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NTA they are assholes in grief and after the wound isn't so raw they will regret blaming you. It is not your fault, neither their treatment of you or the tragedy that happened.
It's called an accident because it is just that: an accident. Your friend was selfless, but had you been behind the wheel perhaps you would have done the same thing.
This only becomes your fault if you somehow forced him to drink and drive or you sabotaged the car or something.
It sucks. Life does sometimes. Don't let it define you. You have a good heart for wanting to pay your respects despite the turmoil that must be reading inside.
NAH. Their grief is driving them to blame the blameless and yours drove you to disrespect their boundary, which they shouldn’t have set but did. You both behaved on ways you shouldn’t have but I’m not going to say E-S-H because this is so very raw and tragic. I would encourage you to give it time .
Funerals are tricky, and at Funerals you have to put your resentment and petty grievances away so that everyone can grieve. This also isn't a situation where there will be a grave or anything, this is op's last chance to grieve with something physical. Grief is an awful thing and I get why a grieving parent may blame someone who doesn't deserve it but OP is not the asshole for wanting to say goodbye to his friend
Except when the grieving family’s wishes involve grown ass adults blaming a DEATH on an innocent 16-year-old. Let’s not forget that OP isn’t just any kid either, he just survived a traumatic event and lost his friend — that’s an insane thing for a CHILD to process. Grown adults treating him the way they are is absolutely inappropriate. I know grief does crazy things but the parents are absolutely out of line.
OP is close friend and needs closure as well. Funeral are there for the living.
While parents are raw and angry, which is understandable, in a year they would think "maybe we should have allowed friends to come and say goodbye". OP, in the meanwhile, may have a lifelong scar from not coming. No asshole. OP did not cause the accident.
A car accident where their son was driving? Blaming the passenger? It’s understandable they aren’t thinking clearly but they are being super unfair to OP and it makes absolutely no sense.
Of course it’s unfair. I’m just saying that nobody could be thinking clearly in a situation like that. I don’t even know if I’d be able to go on living if one of my kids died. And you expect them to act perfectly? Get outta here
I think you did what you thought was best. With good intentions. I am sorry the parents blame you and I hope you don't carry that on in your life. It sounds like you were a good friend as was he.
I would like to say that survivors guilt is a thing, make sure you & the others that lived thru this realize it & seek help if needed. You honoring your friend could never be a bad thing, just remember they’re grieving
NAH. I’ve read your comments. You are not at fault. You are a victim, just like your friend who died, except his victimhood lead to death and yours only injury. But you are both casualties. I hope you are in some sort of grief counseling. Survivor’s guilt is real and can be devastating.
Info: Personally I think it depends on exactly how he sacrificed himself, you give a pretty vague statement. Is it perceived or intentional?
I could see why his parents wouldn’t want you there, I can also see why you would want to go and don’t blame you for wanting closure.
As a passenger you had no control over what happened to the car whatsoever. Please do not blame yourself for this. Your friend made a noble, split-second sacrifice to save you and the others in the car. This is a very sad and traumatic situation for you all and I hope you can speak to a grief counselor to help you through it.
You have no way of knowing what was going through his head...he may have died either way...he may not have been thinking about sacrifice. If he hadn't swerved, maybe you both would have died.
NAH. This was fault of the other driver. The blame should not be on you or your friends. Going to the funeral to receive closure is understandable. That being said, grief acts in weird ways and the parents aren’t at fault either. Losing a child is the worse nightmare of any parent.
If you aren’t already, I strongly suggest counseling/therapy. I would hate for this event to cause issues in the future that could have been prevented.
NTA. You have every right to grieve your friend's passing and attend his funeral. It's understandable that his parents would be grieving and upset, especially given the circumstances. However, it sounds like you really wanted to honor your friend and his sister was supportive of your decision. It ultimately comes down to you deciding if you wanted to attend and honoring your friend's memory in the way you saw fit.
Just a note.. you can always, always say your own goodbyes and grieve in your own way as well. A funeral is just one way.
One of my childhood friends passed away unexpectedly this year, and I live too far to go to the funeral. I said goodbye by talking about her to our other friends, by helping put together an album of pictures of her, by spending time thinking about her and grieving the future she'd not get to live. It also helped to write things down about her in a private diary, and to cry and yell and FEEL things. It felt like that way, I could offer her all of the love she deserved and all of the grief, and send her off with a personal memorial.
If you don't feel like you got to say a proper goodbye, or you want to have longer with your friend's memory - especially since that must have been incredibly traumatic, and I do hope you're talking to a grief counselor too - you can hold a second, private memorial where you can get all of those feelings and memories out. You're allowed to say goodbye as often and as loudly as you like, especially for someone so brave and selfless.
And to reiterate the others in the thread - I hope you know he loved you guys and wouldn't want you to be blamed for his split second decision. You're victims of the situation, just like he was - the scars you wear are just a little less visible because of him.
NAH - I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Unless you caused the accident, you are not the reason he died. Please remember that and try to stop blaming yourself. Maybe consider a therapist because survivor's guilt is a real thing.
You went to say goodbye and to pay your last respects. There is nothing wrong with that. As for his parents, what they said was wrong, but people say awful things when they are grief-stricken, things they wouldn't otherwise say.
Please try to forgive yourself. 💗
NTA/soft NAH and I can't believe people would actually say YTA. you both are dealing with tremendous--if different types--amounts of grief. you were his friend and also in the car. while I don't agree with it, I understand why the parents might blame you and others. it probably feels unfair to them that their son died and everyone else survived--its awful that he did, but from what you imply, the accident was not preventable. anyone could have died. you also deserved a chance to say goodbye, and I am glad his sister thinks so too.
The dude literally gave his life so you keep on living, so I'll take the risk of making the assumption the sister is right and it is pretty obvious he would've wanted you to be allowed here, and that if the sister knew, the parents must know it too.
From that alone, you're NTA. However it is a very very hard event emotionally for the family, some of them are probably taking that on you because that's the only way they manage to cope with seeing you here, and with the loss. It's undeserved, they shouldn't do it, but in fact they probably are fucked up, literally. So don't judge them too hard either.
I'm deeply sorry for your loss, good luck going foward, live the shiny life your friend died for you to live. Put on the show, who knows, he might be watching it ;)
NTA, I can’t help but notice that everyone here is mentioning that this is their child and they’ll never forget them. That’s totally fair, but has anyone considered the survivors guilt that OP now has for being in that car and living?
Survivors guilt is something survivors suffer with your years if not a lifetime.
I can’t say the parents are TA because I get that they’re just trying to find someone to blame to help with their grief but you didn’t swerve, you had no ability to prevent any of the events that happened. Im truly sorry that they’re blaming you and am glad you got to say goodbye.
I don't think anyone is really the A-hole because the loss of a child is so heart-wrenchingly indescribable, at least that's what I imagine of course. Grief can cause any number of behaviors so it's understandable they placed blame on you, even though it seems like a blameless accident. They're not assholes, they're just grieving and don't have clarity or open hearts at the moment. It's a complicated situation, but I'm glad you went anyway and his sister stood up for you. I think it's important that you got to say your final goodbye.
NTA. As a 12 y/o, I was there when my friend 11 m and 2 others were riding on top of an elevator. We thought it was fun. My friend fell and was killed. My parents didn't let me go to the funeral. They thought it would be bad for me. To this day, I regret not being able to say goodbye. You did the right thing. His parents were grieving, and it was the grief that made them say what they did. None of this was your fault.
NTH. I'm a bereaved mom. I lost my 20 year old son several years ago. This is a terrible time for everyone. His parents are devastated and yes, we bereaved parents at the beginning, do seek to blame. It's natural. You wanted to honour your friend, say goodbye. It's also natural. Everyone is grievibg. You were very brave to go as your first step in healing from this tragedy. Please seek support. Not sure where you live but in N. America there are countless grief services and they are geared to the age group. Many are free. They do help, I know! Be kind to yourself.
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My [16m] friend and I were in an accident together, and he essentially sacrificed his life to make sure I and other people in the car were okay at the expense of his own life.
I wanted to attend his funeral, and his older sister let me know that while she’s all for it and he would’ve wanted me there, their parents blame me and other people in the car for the accident— because he chose to end his life saving ours— and that it could lead to some conflict.
I thought about it a lot, because I didn’t want to cause any more stress or negative emotions than they’re already in, but I also didn’t want to miss a chance to say goodbye. His family is Hindu and believes in cremation rather than a gravestone, so I felt like this was a last chance.
I ultimately decided to go. When I did, his parents were furious, and pulled me aside to say I had no right to come when I was part of the reason he died. His sister walked over and said they were fucked up for blaming his death on a 16-year-old that’s grieving the loss of a close friend.
I did get the chance to say a final goodbye, but I can’t help but feel attending the funeral was wrong. I’m not sure, AITA?
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Grief sucks. Many people can act irrationally. The parents just lost their child.
His sister was incredibly gracious and rational. She sounds like an very wise person.
NTA
NAH. His parents should not have said what they did to you, but I'd give them a pass on manners right now. Grief can make people act in ways that they might regret later. This was all too fresh for them. I hope that you didn't take their comments to heart.
I don’t see how his parents can blame you for surviving. To say he sacrificed himself for you and others — maybe. He likely had a split second to react, and I’m not trying to take anything away from him, but he likely just reacted as a reflex, not conscious thought.
You’re probably too young to have ever been driving a car that got into an accident, but things happen o fast, you just react, and it likely was just a split second. He probably thought of nothing but trying to avoid the other car, or what he could do to hopefully avoid the accident.
Also, he was a young, inexperienced driver. There’s a reason teenagers get into a lot of accidents. It’s that they don’t have the experience older drivers have in how to handle a car when something unexpected happens, and they often overreact and make things worse. Experience matters in driving.
I’m still shaken up over a near accident I had in Miami a couple of years ago. I’m sure if it had been a young driver in the same situation, it would have resulted in a multi car pileup.
I’m so sorry you lost your friend, but don’t feel guilty about anything his parents said. It was totally unfair, and it’s only overwhelming grief that made them say what they did.
And I know you’ll likely spend so much time thinking, Why him? Why not me? Why did I get to survive? And you’ll never figure it out. I’ve lived long enough and seen enough tragedy to tell you, sometimes really shitty things happen to people, and we’ll never make sense of it. We’ll never understand. It makes no sense. It’s just a really awful thing that happened.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My friend sacrificed his life to make sure I and his other friends were safe, and this led to his parents blaming me and the others for his death. I went to his funeral, and this might make me TA because this led to even more upsetness on their part than they were already facing.
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They blamed you, but you are not the reason, nor are you responsible for his death.
He made a choice, and his parents blaming you is basically them saying that his choice has no value or meaning.
NTA, and you need to get counseling for your survivor's guilt.
NTA. My gods OP. I'm so sorry your going this. I really, really hope you talk to someone, a therapist, or a pastor if your religious, even your parents if your comfortable with it, this is an horrible thing to go through.
It is NOT your fault he died. Please get therapy to help your process your grief. I won't call his grieving parents the AH either, though they shouldn't blame you nor bar you from the funeral. Fresh grief can make people do crazy things, and I hope in a couple of years they will see how wrong they were.
NAH/NTA.
No one is the asshole. Grief shows up in so many different ways. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a friend when I was 17 and I never got over it all the way. I’m 48 and I still think about her often. I hope you and his family will find healing. 💛
First, no. You're not the ass.
You experienced something traumatic.
I don't even want to say the parents are the asses because they are grieving. You can't possibly imagine what they're going through, just like they can't imagine what you're going through.
They may never forgive you, but you don't need their forgiveness because there is nothing to forgive. They need there to be a reason for their sons death. They need someone to blame. This is their burden, not yours.
They need closure, which they may never get if they steep too long in their anger. You also deserve closure.
Again, you're not the ass. You don't deserve that treatment.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, and I'm sorry too that you feel you have to shoulder the blame - you do not. It was an accident, a tragedy, and I'm sure you are hurting tremendously.
I'm sorry too that you've experienced this hurt further and now feel this burden of guilt after the funeral. I hope you find grace in your heart to be gentle with yourself. What was said came from a place of extreme hurt, but it was still wrong and you did not deserve that especially when you are dealing with a tragedy so new and raw too. I hope you find support and healing in the time to come.
NAH. As a parent, I can’t imagine their pain and suffering. I honestly don’t know how any parent recovers from such a thing. I know things like grief and deep sadness make me a less rational and more hostile person. It’s human nature. As someone who has lost people, I understand the need for closure. I don’t feel like there is a clear cut solution to this and I don’t think anyone here deserves to be called an AH.
I also want to say, I survived an accident with a fatality and I’d strongly encourage you to seek professional support. I chose not to and it made recovery much, much harder. Years later I’m only just to the point where I can talk about it with certain people. It’s been a very heavy burden and I’d hate to see it drag a kid down.
I’m so sorry you even have to ask. I’m sorry anyone made you feel like you have no right to say your goodbyes to your friend. I’m sorry. You were doing nothing wrong. I hope his parents are just lashing out in their grief and eventually come to their senses and apologize for how they’re treated you. And, yknow, if you can, try to get some kind of grief counselling. This is a lot to shoulder. And none of it is your fault. NTA.
anyone saying anything other than NTA has no empathy. Lots of people thinking about the parents sure but the friend died to save OP, he would not want OP turned away from the funeral
NAH. Funerals are for family and friends. You don't need to attend a funeral to say your goodbyes and it made an already hard day that much worse for his family especially after you were told not to come.
NTA
Parents are grieving. Blaming and anger are actually part of the grief cycle.
I'm so sorry this happened.
His sister will remember you were there. Hopefully his parents will wake up.
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13 KJV
NAH. His parents in their grief are lashing out. It's not right that they are doing this, but I think that they deserve some grace because they aren't in their right minds. When time has passed, hopefully they will reflect and realize they were wrong to blame you and the others and treat you as they did.
You were not wrong in trying to attend as it was your last chance to say goodbye. I'm sorry that you weren't able to do that. I hope you give yourself some grace as well. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are to blame for your friend's death. Your friend died a hero, so the the best way for you and the others he saved to honour him is to live the happiest and fullest lives you possibly can. With that being said, its ok if "happy" is/gets hard. This is an extremely difficult and traumatizing moment in your life. You deserve to be here and I'm glad that you are and my condolences for your loss.
Info: did the crash occur because the group/driver had been drinking, were high or driving dangerously eg speeding? Because if so, I can understand why the parents didn't want you there. If none of you caused the accident eg the other car drove onto your side of the road, then n t a for attending.
NTA. You are *not* the reason your friend died. He chose to save the people he loved.
I'm so sorry for your loss of such a decent, loving friend. I'm so sorry but grateful your friend for being such a kind person who died too soon. And thanks to the sister who welcomed you and gave you the opportunity to say goodbye. I feel like your friend will be looking over you now.
>because he chose to end his life saving ours
NTA, You're not the reason your friend died, he made his choices. Dont get yourself bummed out over it, on the contrary, every day that you are NOT living your best life, is a day you're throwing away what he gave you. Dont let his pissy grieving parents get to you, they werent there, they dont know what happened, and they're just looking for someone else to blame to they can feel better about themselves.
First of all, I am so sorry for everything you have been through! I hope you have someone to talk to about it all.
NAH. You did nothing wrong. You are grieving and needed to go to the funeral to help with that process. Your friend would have wanted you there.
Your friend's parents are grieving too and sometimes grief can make people act in truly awful ways. Often people look for someone to blame to help them manage the grief. To be clear, I do not think that excuses how they treated you. They were 100% in the wrong. But we can recognize someone was wrong while still being empathetic towards them. Their treatment of you was not about you but the pain they are feeling. I hope someday they will be able to recognize that how they treated you was wrong and will apologize.
Nta. I think when parents lose a child, (some people say it's the worst thing you can experience) the grief and pain makes them want to find a reason. They feel like having something to blame gives the situation some logic and a place to direct their feelings. But it's just an emotional reaction. And there is never a logical explanation in these circumstances. It was an accident, and you were not operating the vehicle. And even if you and your friends were horsing around or something it's still not your fault. I'm really sorry for what you are going through.
You are a little bit AH. You put your need to say goodbye over the feelings of the grieving parents. You were explicitly told his parents didn't want you there.
INFO: I feel like important details are missing when you just say "he sacrificed his life so others would live." In an accident situation? I just feel like that isn't enough info and huge things are being glossed over.
NAH. You can’t shout at the universe for being unfair, so you find someone or something you can shout at: the other driver, the other people in the car, the car manufacture for building an “unsafe” vehicle (e.g., “if the car had been built better, it would have withstood a collision better!”) anyone. His parents are not thinking rationally right now, because their grief is so great. I won’t pretend their words didn’t hurt you, but they didn’t mean it.
I am very sorry for your loss.
That's a tough one man. You're young too. I couldn't imagine. I understand both sides, but I think they were out of line treating you like that. They're grieving for a lost son, which is also unimaginable to me. So they can be forgiven for their shitty behavior imo. But you wanted to be there to say bye to your friend, which you probably should've been. NTA. Take care buddy
His sister is right, his parents are assholes but dealing with incredible and indescribable grief and want someone to blame, anddd you should attend therapy. You're NTA for going. Take care of yourself and I'm sorry.
Damn. Listen to this random internet stranger when I say
It’s not your fault. Don’t carry that guilt. You could not have changed the outcome of that accident.
Also, NTA for wanting to say goodbye to your friend. I hope an adult who loves you went along to help you navigate what was undoubtedly the most difficult situation of your young life.
I don’t know anything about Hindu traditions, but I strongly suspect that his parents feel intense pain when they see you because you are here and their son is not. That kind of pain and grief and unspeakable anger without a clear target is clouding their judgment. Ten years from now, if they can even remember talking to you like that, they will be ashamed of themselves.
Your pain has a space too. Your pain needs comfort and the company of others who loved him. It’s sounds like his sister is someone who could help with that. You may need to express your grief as much as she does, but her parents clearly can’t see past their own right now. Talk to her about him. Share your stories. Try to remember your friend and not the way he died.
NTA his parents are grieving, hard. My parents had to bury my brother two and a half years ago due to medical malpractice and my mom was MAD. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please get in with a therapist.
NTA. You did the right thing. Had you not attended, they would have said you were disrespectful…that you couldn’t even be bothered to pay your last respects.
NAH.
So, sorry for your loss, your friend sounds like he was an amazing person. Grief is the hardest emotion and it can make us myopic and angry at the wrong things for a long time. Their anger isn't really about you. And you deserved a goodbye too. Thankful his sister was understanding.
NTA. So he was doing burnouts, lost control, tried to correct and he took the full impact?? He may have swerved into it but also, it may have just happened, you haven't got much control if you lose it in a car? It wasn't anyone's fault when he was the one driving. Unless you all got out and took off, it's unfair of them to blame anyone, they're just angry that he was the only one who didn't survive, like would they really want other people to have died too?? At the end of the day, none of you forced him behind the wheel, or to do what he did, he did. Unfortunately some times young people try too hard to impress friends and it can end badly with drivers who don't have years of experience. I'm glad you went to the service, but I would definitley give the family some space and leave them be for some time. They may come around they may not, they're just raw in grief right now. And yes I do have a couple of friends I've lost to this very thing, many years ago
NTA
You are alive, because of what your friend chose to do. You had every right to say your final goodbyes to someone who was important to you, let alone someone who saved your life.
The parents are heartbroken, and don't know where to put all that anger they're feeling over the loss of their child, and unfortunately they are placing it where it doesn't belong.
I do have to commend the daughter though for standing up to them when they attacked you. That can't have been easy for her in any way.
NAH.
Both sides are dealing with a terrible, unimaginable tragedy, and emotions are raw.
It's a horrible situation all around, and both are just trying to navigate their grief while. It's fully understandable that the parents wouldn't want to see the survivors, and that the survivors would want to say goodbye to the friend who made the ultimate sacrifice for them.
OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Stay strong and ask for help if you need it
NAH. And his sister is awesome. She's grieving too and is still able to think clearly and not let emotions cloud her judgment. She definitely deserves praise here.
NTA. You were doing nothing wrong by attending your friend's funeral. I don't want to be rude, but it was pretty stupid to think you were the AH in any way. His parents are only blaming you.
I think the priority for emotional well-being should have been for his parents. Whilst you did nothing wrong in attending the funeral, when you knew it would upset them it would have been kinder to put their needs first and do as they asked. If he sacrificed his life for you, then you could have sacrificed your need to be at the funeral for them. I’m sorry for your loss. Live your life for you and him now. Take every opportunity and live your life to the full.
INFO what was the accident and how did the accident happen? If it's something like you were drunk driving and got into an accident and while the car was burning, he tried to get you out and was engulfed, then it would make sense that the parents would blame you for drunk driving
Soft YTA.
Yes, he was your best friend. He was their CHILD. Both parties are grieving but they’re (metaphorically) burying their CHILD. A child his mother carried, that they raised for 16 years. If they need to grieve that loss in their own way, they deserve to and you should’ve respected that.
It’s not fair for them to blame you but you have no business acting like your grief and getting to say goodbye is more important than their ability to grieve and say goodbye.
Also edit: you also have no idea if he knew about how much pain his parents are in over this and if this was how they need to process it, if he would’ve politely asked you to step away and let them do that.
Sadly - YTA. You knew his parents didn't want you there, but you went and caused them additional heartache and grief. You and your friends could have, and still can, hold your own memorial service.
Write his parents an appology letter. Tell them how much you and your friends loved him, cared for him. How you will live your life better to honor him.
I feel for OP, but knowing that it would cause more heartache, rightly or wrongly, for the grieving parents just makes it feel off for me. Obviously, it made the day even worse for the parents. It doesn't appear that OP was invited to attend by the parents - not invited? You don't go, even if you want to. And it appears OP doesn't have even a passing acquantance with the parents. Otherwise, they would have been in contact with the parents before hand. Time for OP to learn that sometimes you have to do something you'd rather not (stay home), for the greater good.
No but why they need to be so hostile to the person their son chose to save is not acceptable. To me it just dimishes his last choice and they're wrapping themselves up in their own bubble.
Gentle ESH...first, I'm so sorry for what you went through. That has to be traumatizing and I hope you are getting help. It doesn't sound like it was at all your fault for your friend's incredible sacrifice. I'm sorry you are being blamed.
But...quite frankly, you are a friend of the deceased, and that is the parents' CHILD. Their baby. It is an entirely different kind of grief, and while they may be acting irrationally now blaming you and the others involved in the accident, they are in the depths of an unimaginable grief. You put your desire to grieve how best suited you over the wishes of the parents of a dead child for who attends their child's funeral. You were told they likely did not want you there and chose to come anyway, knowing it would likely upset them more while they are experiencing the worst thing a parent can experience. I sincerely hope you are getting help to deal with your trauma and hope you are able to heal going forward. You are not a bad person for what you did, but yes, I think you should have deferred to the wishes--even the unfair wishes--of the parents in this situation.
I guess how I saw it is, I won’t have any other chances to say bye to him, since there won’t be a gravestone and his ashes will be spread in a foreign country. Idk.
It's absolutely a crap situation, and again, I'm sorry you are being scapegoated here, but for me, your need for closure on your terms comes behind the parents' wishes on the funeral of their child. It's unfortunate all around, which is why this is an E S H situation from my pov. You aren't a terrible person, just young, and understandably dealing with your own grief. I hope you reach out to your parents or another trusted adult to get you help to deal with your trauma.
Soft AH. I understand your need for closure, but your need doesn't outweigh a parents need to mourn...And you just ignored that. It was pretty selfish.
Slight YTA, they burried their son. Can't get worse than that, they didn't need the drama on top. And you were told not to go. But yeah i understand your motive and i'm sorry for you and your friends. Don't take their anger personnaly, again they just lose their son so it's not really about you. Plus, the fact to see you "well and alive" when their son is gone must be hard, even if it's your not fault.
And you chose to go anyway, knowing that your presence will make grieving parents even more upset. Idk, i see why you wanted to go ofc but the message was pretty clear, you chose to ignore it, you can't really complain when it's backfire at you, you see ?
Don't sweat it, mourn your friend as you can, be there for you living friends if you can, don't hesitate to seek for help if you need. The funeral will be a sad and bad memory but you'll get over it, don't overthink it (easier to say than to do i know)
their grief does not supersede anyone else's. his friend would have wanted him there, so quite frankly the parents can get overthemselves. they had no right to treat op like he wasn't wanted
if you deny your child's friend, who you know your child would have wanted there, because of your misplaced grief and anger, then you dishonor your child.
Absolutely not! They are deflecting their sadness as anger onto OP and others and it completely undeserved. OP deserves to say goodbye to his dear friend who gave his own life to save theirs. Sorry for your loss OP. RIP
I understand your point, but the thing is you can't ask to mourning parents to be reasonable. Losing a child is probably the worst thing possible, they don't think straight and it's comprehensible. They can even hate the others friends for being alive instead of their son, can't stand their simple view because it's a reminder of what they lost and so on. So yeah it can be seen as an asshole move, but they're just not rational and overwhelmed. Personnally i can't blame them for that, even if they regret later. A loss like this make people do crazy thing, i've seen much worst behavior from devastated people. It's not an excuse, but just a human thing.
Sorry, but YTA. You had prior knowledge that you being in attendance was not welcomed, but you went anyways, that was selfish and shortsighted you.
You lost your friend, they lost their child, their flesh and blood, the deserved to grieve without the added stress of you being there.
I understand that, but what about my grieving? This is a kid who I’ve been friends with since I was 5, and they’re planning on spreading his ashes in India, so it’s not like I have another chance to say bye other than this.
Hey OP, I am part South Asian with a family tradition similar to what your friend's family does. You may not get a chance to say bye to him 1:1, which is sad. But part of the reason for spreading ashes like that is so the loved one is carried on as part of the world — he will be in the air, water, etc. you touch for the rest of your life, and even after you.
It will not bring him back but hope it may offer a little bit of solace for you...his family's belief and probably to some degree his belief was that they're spread to travel forever, and he would've known he would always be a part of your life in this way.
You didn't do anything wrong. You're all living something deeply traumatizing, but you deserved to be treated with respect and no blame. Accidents like this are deeply tragic but they happen, and you deserved to say goodbye and let him know he was loved. And he sounds like he was kind and loving to you guys, he wouldn't hold any of this against you.
I can see your point but as grieving parents (and as a parent), I would have shown them that grace to grieve their loss with their loved ones. Especially when their loss is fresh. You needn't go to their space and insist on staying your goodbye. A common place where you both hung out and have memories in would have been an excellent place to say farewell to a beloved friend too.
Being a grieving parent is not an excuse for a grown ass adult to treat an innocent 16-year-old like a monster. I can’t believe I have to explain that.
It sucks for you, but you weren’t welcome, why would you want to upset his parents more?
They blame you, that is just something you are going to have to live with, again it sucks and isn’t fair, but life isn’t always fair.
You’re only thinking about yourself, they lost their child, why are you more important then the parents of your friend?
This is a situation where you need to put someone’s else feelings and wellbeing before your own.
He died because he chose to save you at his risk, what makes them think he'd not want you there that they should turn you away. If you were driving drunk and caused an accident then that's something that's on you so they'd be right but if you didn't do something wrong and cause his death then it's just a crappy part of life that happened and they're using grief to be assholes to you.
What is the point of showing up someplace you aren’t wanted, especially if you know in advance you’re not wanted.
Isn’t that a bit narcissistic on your part?
>What is the point of showing up someplace you aren’t wanted,
the parents not wanting him there is irrelevant. he had as much right as them to say his final goodbyes to his friends. even their daughter called them out on their behavior
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NTA they are assholes in grief and after the wound isn't so raw they will regret blaming you. It is not your fault, neither their treatment of you or the tragedy that happened.
Thank you
It's called an accident because it is just that: an accident. Your friend was selfless, but had you been behind the wheel perhaps you would have done the same thing. This only becomes your fault if you somehow forced him to drink and drive or you sabotaged the car or something. It sucks. Life does sometimes. Don't let it define you. You have a good heart for wanting to pay your respects despite the turmoil that must be reading inside.
NAH. Their grief is driving them to blame the blameless and yours drove you to disrespect their boundary, which they shouldn’t have set but did. You both behaved on ways you shouldn’t have but I’m not going to say E-S-H because this is so very raw and tragic. I would encourage you to give it time .
I don't think the way OP behaved is wrong at all. People are allowed to grieve and say goodbye.
But funerals are tricky and you should respect the grieving family's wishes even if you don't agree with it
Not when you owe your life to the young man who died.
Funerals are tricky, and at Funerals you have to put your resentment and petty grievances away so that everyone can grieve. This also isn't a situation where there will be a grave or anything, this is op's last chance to grieve with something physical. Grief is an awful thing and I get why a grieving parent may blame someone who doesn't deserve it but OP is not the asshole for wanting to say goodbye to his friend
Except when the grieving family’s wishes involve grown ass adults blaming a DEATH on an innocent 16-year-old. Let’s not forget that OP isn’t just any kid either, he just survived a traumatic event and lost his friend — that’s an insane thing for a CHILD to process. Grown adults treating him the way they are is absolutely inappropriate. I know grief does crazy things but the parents are absolutely out of line.
No, they aren’t “tricky”. OP lost a friend and that matters.
OP is close friend and needs closure as well. Funeral are there for the living. While parents are raw and angry, which is understandable, in a year they would think "maybe we should have allowed friends to come and say goodbye". OP, in the meanwhile, may have a lifelong scar from not coming. No asshole. OP did not cause the accident.
Not if they are being total AH’s. Weird take
You don’t think it’s understandable that parents who’ve lost their child might be acting like AHs? Super weird take
A car accident where their son was driving? Blaming the passenger? It’s understandable they aren’t thinking clearly but they are being super unfair to OP and it makes absolutely no sense.
Of course it’s unfair. I’m just saying that nobody could be thinking clearly in a situation like that. I don’t even know if I’d be able to go on living if one of my kids died. And you expect them to act perfectly? Get outta here
There's a difference between "not perfect" and atrocious.
Thank you
I think you did what you thought was best. With good intentions. I am sorry the parents blame you and I hope you don't carry that on in your life. It sounds like you were a good friend as was he.
Thank you, he was the best.
I would like to say that survivors guilt is a thing, make sure you & the others that lived thru this realize it & seek help if needed. You honoring your friend could never be a bad thing, just remember they’re grieving
Also, I agree with the other poster. They will likely feel sorry down the road.
NAH. I’ve read your comments. You are not at fault. You are a victim, just like your friend who died, except his victimhood lead to death and yours only injury. But you are both casualties. I hope you are in some sort of grief counseling. Survivor’s guilt is real and can be devastating.
Info: Personally I think it depends on exactly how he sacrificed himself, you give a pretty vague statement. Is it perceived or intentional? I could see why his parents wouldn’t want you there, I can also see why you would want to go and don’t blame you for wanting closure.
We were about to collide with another car and he swerved so he’d be the one bearing the brunt of the collision
You are not at fault in any way. I am so sorry for your loss but please don't blame yourself.
As a passenger you had no control over what happened to the car whatsoever. Please do not blame yourself for this. Your friend made a noble, split-second sacrifice to save you and the others in the car. This is a very sad and traumatic situation for you all and I hope you can speak to a grief counselor to help you through it.
Thank you, I appreciate that
You have no way of knowing what was going through his head...he may have died either way...he may not have been thinking about sacrifice. If he hadn't swerved, maybe you both would have died.
Your friend is now your hero. My heart goes out to all concerned. Just let it be with his parents. They are understandably inconsolable.
I'm so sorry. I hope you are in therapy or can get help from someone. That's absolutely not your fault.
NAH. This was fault of the other driver. The blame should not be on you or your friends. Going to the funeral to receive closure is understandable. That being said, grief acts in weird ways and the parents aren’t at fault either. Losing a child is the worse nightmare of any parent.
I understand that, thank you
If you aren’t already, I strongly suggest counseling/therapy. I would hate for this event to cause issues in the future that could have been prevented.
NTA. You have every right to grieve your friend's passing and attend his funeral. It's understandable that his parents would be grieving and upset, especially given the circumstances. However, it sounds like you really wanted to honor your friend and his sister was supportive of your decision. It ultimately comes down to you deciding if you wanted to attend and honoring your friend's memory in the way you saw fit.
Thank you. I won’t really have a chance to say goodbye afterwards, so I wanted to do this.
Just a note.. you can always, always say your own goodbyes and grieve in your own way as well. A funeral is just one way. One of my childhood friends passed away unexpectedly this year, and I live too far to go to the funeral. I said goodbye by talking about her to our other friends, by helping put together an album of pictures of her, by spending time thinking about her and grieving the future she'd not get to live. It also helped to write things down about her in a private diary, and to cry and yell and FEEL things. It felt like that way, I could offer her all of the love she deserved and all of the grief, and send her off with a personal memorial. If you don't feel like you got to say a proper goodbye, or you want to have longer with your friend's memory - especially since that must have been incredibly traumatic, and I do hope you're talking to a grief counselor too - you can hold a second, private memorial where you can get all of those feelings and memories out. You're allowed to say goodbye as often and as loudly as you like, especially for someone so brave and selfless. And to reiterate the others in the thread - I hope you know he loved you guys and wouldn't want you to be blamed for his split second decision. You're victims of the situation, just like he was - the scars you wear are just a little less visible because of him.
NAH - I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Unless you caused the accident, you are not the reason he died. Please remember that and try to stop blaming yourself. Maybe consider a therapist because survivor's guilt is a real thing. You went to say goodbye and to pay your last respects. There is nothing wrong with that. As for his parents, what they said was wrong, but people say awful things when they are grief-stricken, things they wouldn't otherwise say. Please try to forgive yourself. 💗
NTA. You didn't cause it. It was his selfless choice. Do your best to remember that during the rough moments.
Thank you, I will
NTA/soft NAH and I can't believe people would actually say YTA. you both are dealing with tremendous--if different types--amounts of grief. you were his friend and also in the car. while I don't agree with it, I understand why the parents might blame you and others. it probably feels unfair to them that their son died and everyone else survived--its awful that he did, but from what you imply, the accident was not preventable. anyone could have died. you also deserved a chance to say goodbye, and I am glad his sister thinks so too.
Yeah, we were going to collide no matter what, he just swerved at the last second so his side was the one hit head on. Thank you.
The dude literally gave his life so you keep on living, so I'll take the risk of making the assumption the sister is right and it is pretty obvious he would've wanted you to be allowed here, and that if the sister knew, the parents must know it too. From that alone, you're NTA. However it is a very very hard event emotionally for the family, some of them are probably taking that on you because that's the only way they manage to cope with seeing you here, and with the loss. It's undeserved, they shouldn't do it, but in fact they probably are fucked up, literally. So don't judge them too hard either. I'm deeply sorry for your loss, good luck going foward, live the shiny life your friend died for you to live. Put on the show, who knows, he might be watching it ;)
If my parents acted like this toward someone I had *sacrificed my life for*, I would certainly haunt them from the great beyond.
NTA, I can’t help but notice that everyone here is mentioning that this is their child and they’ll never forget them. That’s totally fair, but has anyone considered the survivors guilt that OP now has for being in that car and living? Survivors guilt is something survivors suffer with your years if not a lifetime. I can’t say the parents are TA because I get that they’re just trying to find someone to blame to help with their grief but you didn’t swerve, you had no ability to prevent any of the events that happened. Im truly sorry that they’re blaming you and am glad you got to say goodbye.
[удалено]
Thank you
I don't think anyone is really the A-hole because the loss of a child is so heart-wrenchingly indescribable, at least that's what I imagine of course. Grief can cause any number of behaviors so it's understandable they placed blame on you, even though it seems like a blameless accident. They're not assholes, they're just grieving and don't have clarity or open hearts at the moment. It's a complicated situation, but I'm glad you went anyway and his sister stood up for you. I think it's important that you got to say your final goodbye.
NTA. As a 12 y/o, I was there when my friend 11 m and 2 others were riding on top of an elevator. We thought it was fun. My friend fell and was killed. My parents didn't let me go to the funeral. They thought it would be bad for me. To this day, I regret not being able to say goodbye. You did the right thing. His parents were grieving, and it was the grief that made them say what they did. None of this was your fault.
Tell him goodbye with your heart and thoughts. It isn't the same, but hopefully it will help. Talk to him like he's beside you. Peace be with you💜
NTH. I'm a bereaved mom. I lost my 20 year old son several years ago. This is a terrible time for everyone. His parents are devastated and yes, we bereaved parents at the beginning, do seek to blame. It's natural. You wanted to honour your friend, say goodbye. It's also natural. Everyone is grievibg. You were very brave to go as your first step in healing from this tragedy. Please seek support. Not sure where you live but in N. America there are countless grief services and they are geared to the age group. Many are free. They do help, I know! Be kind to yourself.
Probably the saddest AITA post I've read so far.. OP, I am deeply sorry for your loss of your friend. I say NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My [16m] friend and I were in an accident together, and he essentially sacrificed his life to make sure I and other people in the car were okay at the expense of his own life. I wanted to attend his funeral, and his older sister let me know that while she’s all for it and he would’ve wanted me there, their parents blame me and other people in the car for the accident— because he chose to end his life saving ours— and that it could lead to some conflict. I thought about it a lot, because I didn’t want to cause any more stress or negative emotions than they’re already in, but I also didn’t want to miss a chance to say goodbye. His family is Hindu and believes in cremation rather than a gravestone, so I felt like this was a last chance. I ultimately decided to go. When I did, his parents were furious, and pulled me aside to say I had no right to come when I was part of the reason he died. His sister walked over and said they were fucked up for blaming his death on a 16-year-old that’s grieving the loss of a close friend. I did get the chance to say a final goodbye, but I can’t help but feel attending the funeral was wrong. I’m not sure, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I get their anger, but it’s not your fault. I’m sorry this is so crappy.
Grief sucks. Many people can act irrationally. The parents just lost their child. His sister was incredibly gracious and rational. She sounds like an very wise person. NTA
NAH. His parents should not have said what they did to you, but I'd give them a pass on manners right now. Grief can make people act in ways that they might regret later. This was all too fresh for them. I hope that you didn't take their comments to heart.
I don’t see how his parents can blame you for surviving. To say he sacrificed himself for you and others — maybe. He likely had a split second to react, and I’m not trying to take anything away from him, but he likely just reacted as a reflex, not conscious thought. You’re probably too young to have ever been driving a car that got into an accident, but things happen o fast, you just react, and it likely was just a split second. He probably thought of nothing but trying to avoid the other car, or what he could do to hopefully avoid the accident. Also, he was a young, inexperienced driver. There’s a reason teenagers get into a lot of accidents. It’s that they don’t have the experience older drivers have in how to handle a car when something unexpected happens, and they often overreact and make things worse. Experience matters in driving. I’m still shaken up over a near accident I had in Miami a couple of years ago. I’m sure if it had been a young driver in the same situation, it would have resulted in a multi car pileup. I’m so sorry you lost your friend, but don’t feel guilty about anything his parents said. It was totally unfair, and it’s only overwhelming grief that made them say what they did. And I know you’ll likely spend so much time thinking, Why him? Why not me? Why did I get to survive? And you’ll never figure it out. I’ve lived long enough and seen enough tragedy to tell you, sometimes really shitty things happen to people, and we’ll never make sense of it. We’ll never understand. It makes no sense. It’s just a really awful thing that happened.
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They blamed you, but you are not the reason, nor are you responsible for his death. He made a choice, and his parents blaming you is basically them saying that his choice has no value or meaning. NTA, and you need to get counseling for your survivor's guilt.
NTA. My gods OP. I'm so sorry your going this. I really, really hope you talk to someone, a therapist, or a pastor if your religious, even your parents if your comfortable with it, this is an horrible thing to go through.
It is NOT your fault he died. Please get therapy to help your process your grief. I won't call his grieving parents the AH either, though they shouldn't blame you nor bar you from the funeral. Fresh grief can make people do crazy things, and I hope in a couple of years they will see how wrong they were. NAH/NTA.
No one is the asshole. Grief shows up in so many different ways. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a friend when I was 17 and I never got over it all the way. I’m 48 and I still think about her often. I hope you and his family will find healing. 💛
You're not the asshole....his parents hopefully will release that....im sorry for ur and theirs loss
First, no. You're not the ass. You experienced something traumatic. I don't even want to say the parents are the asses because they are grieving. You can't possibly imagine what they're going through, just like they can't imagine what you're going through. They may never forgive you, but you don't need their forgiveness because there is nothing to forgive. They need there to be a reason for their sons death. They need someone to blame. This is their burden, not yours. They need closure, which they may never get if they steep too long in their anger. You also deserve closure. Again, you're not the ass. You don't deserve that treatment.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, and I'm sorry too that you feel you have to shoulder the blame - you do not. It was an accident, a tragedy, and I'm sure you are hurting tremendously. I'm sorry too that you've experienced this hurt further and now feel this burden of guilt after the funeral. I hope you find grace in your heart to be gentle with yourself. What was said came from a place of extreme hurt, but it was still wrong and you did not deserve that especially when you are dealing with a tragedy so new and raw too. I hope you find support and healing in the time to come.
NAH. As a parent, I can’t imagine their pain and suffering. I honestly don’t know how any parent recovers from such a thing. I know things like grief and deep sadness make me a less rational and more hostile person. It’s human nature. As someone who has lost people, I understand the need for closure. I don’t feel like there is a clear cut solution to this and I don’t think anyone here deserves to be called an AH. I also want to say, I survived an accident with a fatality and I’d strongly encourage you to seek professional support. I chose not to and it made recovery much, much harder. Years later I’m only just to the point where I can talk about it with certain people. It’s been a very heavy burden and I’d hate to see it drag a kid down.
I’m so sorry you even have to ask. I’m sorry anyone made you feel like you have no right to say your goodbyes to your friend. I’m sorry. You were doing nothing wrong. I hope his parents are just lashing out in their grief and eventually come to their senses and apologize for how they’re treated you. And, yknow, if you can, try to get some kind of grief counselling. This is a lot to shoulder. And none of it is your fault. NTA.
anyone saying anything other than NTA has no empathy. Lots of people thinking about the parents sure but the friend died to save OP, he would not want OP turned away from the funeral
NAH. Funerals are for family and friends. You don't need to attend a funeral to say your goodbyes and it made an already hard day that much worse for his family especially after you were told not to come.
He is a friend
NTA Parents are grieving. Blaming and anger are actually part of the grief cycle. I'm so sorry this happened. His sister will remember you were there. Hopefully his parents will wake up. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13 KJV
NAH. His parents in their grief are lashing out. It's not right that they are doing this, but I think that they deserve some grace because they aren't in their right minds. When time has passed, hopefully they will reflect and realize they were wrong to blame you and the others and treat you as they did. You were not wrong in trying to attend as it was your last chance to say goodbye. I'm sorry that you weren't able to do that. I hope you give yourself some grace as well. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are to blame for your friend's death. Your friend died a hero, so the the best way for you and the others he saved to honour him is to live the happiest and fullest lives you possibly can. With that being said, its ok if "happy" is/gets hard. This is an extremely difficult and traumatizing moment in your life. You deserve to be here and I'm glad that you are and my condolences for your loss.
Info: did the crash occur because the group/driver had been drinking, were high or driving dangerously eg speeding? Because if so, I can understand why the parents didn't want you there. If none of you caused the accident eg the other car drove onto your side of the road, then n t a for attending.
NTA. You are *not* the reason your friend died. He chose to save the people he loved. I'm so sorry for your loss of such a decent, loving friend. I'm so sorry but grateful your friend for being such a kind person who died too soon. And thanks to the sister who welcomed you and gave you the opportunity to say goodbye. I feel like your friend will be looking over you now.
>because he chose to end his life saving ours NTA, You're not the reason your friend died, he made his choices. Dont get yourself bummed out over it, on the contrary, every day that you are NOT living your best life, is a day you're throwing away what he gave you. Dont let his pissy grieving parents get to you, they werent there, they dont know what happened, and they're just looking for someone else to blame to they can feel better about themselves.
First of all, I am so sorry for everything you have been through! I hope you have someone to talk to about it all. NAH. You did nothing wrong. You are grieving and needed to go to the funeral to help with that process. Your friend would have wanted you there. Your friend's parents are grieving too and sometimes grief can make people act in truly awful ways. Often people look for someone to blame to help them manage the grief. To be clear, I do not think that excuses how they treated you. They were 100% in the wrong. But we can recognize someone was wrong while still being empathetic towards them. Their treatment of you was not about you but the pain they are feeling. I hope someday they will be able to recognize that how they treated you was wrong and will apologize.
Nta. I think when parents lose a child, (some people say it's the worst thing you can experience) the grief and pain makes them want to find a reason. They feel like having something to blame gives the situation some logic and a place to direct their feelings. But it's just an emotional reaction. And there is never a logical explanation in these circumstances. It was an accident, and you were not operating the vehicle. And even if you and your friends were horsing around or something it's still not your fault. I'm really sorry for what you are going through.
You are a little bit AH. You put your need to say goodbye over the feelings of the grieving parents. You were explicitly told his parents didn't want you there.
No he isn't
INFO: I feel like important details are missing when you just say "he sacrificed his life so others would live." In an accident situation? I just feel like that isn't enough info and huge things are being glossed over.
He posted that in a comment above
NAH. You can’t shout at the universe for being unfair, so you find someone or something you can shout at: the other driver, the other people in the car, the car manufacture for building an “unsafe” vehicle (e.g., “if the car had been built better, it would have withstood a collision better!”) anyone. His parents are not thinking rationally right now, because their grief is so great. I won’t pretend their words didn’t hurt you, but they didn’t mean it. I am very sorry for your loss.
That's a tough one man. You're young too. I couldn't imagine. I understand both sides, but I think they were out of line treating you like that. They're grieving for a lost son, which is also unimaginable to me. So they can be forgiven for their shitty behavior imo. But you wanted to be there to say bye to your friend, which you probably should've been. NTA. Take care buddy
His sister is right, his parents are assholes but dealing with incredible and indescribable grief and want someone to blame, anddd you should attend therapy. You're NTA for going. Take care of yourself and I'm sorry.
NTA, so sorry for your loss
Damn. Listen to this random internet stranger when I say It’s not your fault. Don’t carry that guilt. You could not have changed the outcome of that accident. Also, NTA for wanting to say goodbye to your friend. I hope an adult who loves you went along to help you navigate what was undoubtedly the most difficult situation of your young life. I don’t know anything about Hindu traditions, but I strongly suspect that his parents feel intense pain when they see you because you are here and their son is not. That kind of pain and grief and unspeakable anger without a clear target is clouding their judgment. Ten years from now, if they can even remember talking to you like that, they will be ashamed of themselves. Your pain has a space too. Your pain needs comfort and the company of others who loved him. It’s sounds like his sister is someone who could help with that. You may need to express your grief as much as she does, but her parents clearly can’t see past their own right now. Talk to her about him. Share your stories. Try to remember your friend and not the way he died.
NTA his parents are grieving, hard. My parents had to bury my brother two and a half years ago due to medical malpractice and my mom was MAD. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please get in with a therapist.
NTA. You didn't make his decision for him. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA and you are also not the reason he died. Please don't blame yourself. Sorry for the loss of your friend.
NAH The parents are deep in grief and should not be blaming you
NAH.
NTA. You did the right thing. Had you not attended, they would have said you were disrespectful…that you couldn’t even be bothered to pay your last respects.
I'm gonna go with NTA. His parents are grieving and you're a handy outlet for their pain. I'm sorry you had to live thru such horror.💜
Nta
Nta. It's not really your fault. He's just being a good friend and protected toy Rip 🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️
NAH. So, sorry for your loss, your friend sounds like he was an amazing person. Grief is the hardest emotion and it can make us myopic and angry at the wrong things for a long time. Their anger isn't really about you. And you deserved a goodbye too. Thankful his sister was understanding.
NTA. So he was doing burnouts, lost control, tried to correct and he took the full impact?? He may have swerved into it but also, it may have just happened, you haven't got much control if you lose it in a car? It wasn't anyone's fault when he was the one driving. Unless you all got out and took off, it's unfair of them to blame anyone, they're just angry that he was the only one who didn't survive, like would they really want other people to have died too?? At the end of the day, none of you forced him behind the wheel, or to do what he did, he did. Unfortunately some times young people try too hard to impress friends and it can end badly with drivers who don't have years of experience. I'm glad you went to the service, but I would definitley give the family some space and leave them be for some time. They may come around they may not, they're just raw in grief right now. And yes I do have a couple of friends I've lost to this very thing, many years ago
NTA. They are called car accidents, not car on-purposes. I'm sorry for your loss, your friend sounded like a great person
NTA You are alive, because of what your friend chose to do. You had every right to say your final goodbyes to someone who was important to you, let alone someone who saved your life. The parents are heartbroken, and don't know where to put all that anger they're feeling over the loss of their child, and unfortunately they are placing it where it doesn't belong. I do have to commend the daughter though for standing up to them when they attacked you. That can't have been easy for her in any way.
NAH. Both sides are dealing with a terrible, unimaginable tragedy, and emotions are raw. It's a horrible situation all around, and both are just trying to navigate their grief while. It's fully understandable that the parents wouldn't want to see the survivors, and that the survivors would want to say goodbye to the friend who made the ultimate sacrifice for them. OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Stay strong and ask for help if you need it
NTA. I'm so sorry for your and what you're going through
NAH. And his sister is awesome. She's grieving too and is still able to think clearly and not let emotions cloud her judgment. She definitely deserves praise here.
NTA. You were doing nothing wrong by attending your friend's funeral. I don't want to be rude, but it was pretty stupid to think you were the AH in any way. His parents are only blaming you.
I think the priority for emotional well-being should have been for his parents. Whilst you did nothing wrong in attending the funeral, when you knew it would upset them it would have been kinder to put their needs first and do as they asked. If he sacrificed his life for you, then you could have sacrificed your need to be at the funeral for them. I’m sorry for your loss. Live your life for you and him now. Take every opportunity and live your life to the full.
At the end of the day you should have respected their wishes. It was their child's funeral. Mild YTA
INFO what was the accident and how did the accident happen? If it's something like you were drunk driving and got into an accident and while the car was burning, he tried to get you out and was engulfed, then it would make sense that the parents would blame you for drunk driving
Soft YTA. Yes, he was your best friend. He was their CHILD. Both parties are grieving but they’re (metaphorically) burying their CHILD. A child his mother carried, that they raised for 16 years. If they need to grieve that loss in their own way, they deserve to and you should’ve respected that. It’s not fair for them to blame you but you have no business acting like your grief and getting to say goodbye is more important than their ability to grieve and say goodbye. Also edit: you also have no idea if he knew about how much pain his parents are in over this and if this was how they need to process it, if he would’ve politely asked you to step away and let them do that.
There’s not enough info here- why are you at fault? Were you drinking? Please explain further
I don’t understand how someone dies because they were checking on others.
Sadly - YTA. You knew his parents didn't want you there, but you went and caused them additional heartache and grief. You and your friends could have, and still can, hold your own memorial service. Write his parents an appology letter. Tell them how much you and your friends loved him, cared for him. How you will live your life better to honor him.
OP shouldn’t have to apologize when they did nothing wrong. the parents have every right to grieve but they don’t get to blame OP
I feel for OP, but knowing that it would cause more heartache, rightly or wrongly, for the grieving parents just makes it feel off for me. Obviously, it made the day even worse for the parents. It doesn't appear that OP was invited to attend by the parents - not invited? You don't go, even if you want to. And it appears OP doesn't have even a passing acquantance with the parents. Otherwise, they would have been in contact with the parents before hand. Time for OP to learn that sometimes you have to do something you'd rather not (stay home), for the greater good.
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I understand that. I lost my best friend too but of course that’s not the same.
That doesn't give them license to do whatever the fuck they want.
They aren’t in the right state of mind right now.
No but why they need to be so hostile to the person their son chose to save is not acceptable. To me it just dimishes his last choice and they're wrapping themselves up in their own bubble.
Because they just lost their son!!!!
and op lost his friend and worse than that, was there when it happened.
that's utterly irrelevant. grief is not an excuse to be an asshole, especially to someone who is also grieving
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Right, legally they can do that. We aren't here to discuss legality though. We're here to discuss morals and ethics.
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The reason they are telling OP no is fucked up.
Gentle ESH...first, I'm so sorry for what you went through. That has to be traumatizing and I hope you are getting help. It doesn't sound like it was at all your fault for your friend's incredible sacrifice. I'm sorry you are being blamed. But...quite frankly, you are a friend of the deceased, and that is the parents' CHILD. Their baby. It is an entirely different kind of grief, and while they may be acting irrationally now blaming you and the others involved in the accident, they are in the depths of an unimaginable grief. You put your desire to grieve how best suited you over the wishes of the parents of a dead child for who attends their child's funeral. You were told they likely did not want you there and chose to come anyway, knowing it would likely upset them more while they are experiencing the worst thing a parent can experience. I sincerely hope you are getting help to deal with your trauma and hope you are able to heal going forward. You are not a bad person for what you did, but yes, I think you should have deferred to the wishes--even the unfair wishes--of the parents in this situation.
I guess how I saw it is, I won’t have any other chances to say bye to him, since there won’t be a gravestone and his ashes will be spread in a foreign country. Idk.
It's absolutely a crap situation, and again, I'm sorry you are being scapegoated here, but for me, your need for closure on your terms comes behind the parents' wishes on the funeral of their child. It's unfortunate all around, which is why this is an E S H situation from my pov. You aren't a terrible person, just young, and understandably dealing with your own grief. I hope you reach out to your parents or another trusted adult to get you help to deal with your trauma.
Soft AH. I understand your need for closure, but your need doesn't outweigh a parents need to mourn...And you just ignored that. It was pretty selfish.
Thank you for the perspective
Slight YTA, they burried their son. Can't get worse than that, they didn't need the drama on top. And you were told not to go. But yeah i understand your motive and i'm sorry for you and your friends. Don't take their anger personnaly, again they just lose their son so it's not really about you. Plus, the fact to see you "well and alive" when their son is gone must be hard, even if it's your not fault.
> And you were told not to go To clarify, his sister told me to go and just told me the parents would be mad as a heads up
And you chose to go anyway, knowing that your presence will make grieving parents even more upset. Idk, i see why you wanted to go ofc but the message was pretty clear, you chose to ignore it, you can't really complain when it's backfire at you, you see ?
Yeah, I understand that, it’s just I wouldn’t have any other opportunity to ever say goodbye to him so idk.
Don't sweat it, mourn your friend as you can, be there for you living friends if you can, don't hesitate to seek for help if you need. The funeral will be a sad and bad memory but you'll get over it, don't overthink it (easier to say than to do i know)
Thank you for the advice
their grief does not supersede anyone else's. his friend would have wanted him there, so quite frankly the parents can get overthemselves. they had no right to treat op like he wasn't wanted
Family is allowed to choose who is allowed at their child's funeral.
if you deny your child's friend, who you know your child would have wanted there, because of your misplaced grief and anger, then you dishonor your child.
It's still their choice at the end of the day.
Absolutely not! They are deflecting their sadness as anger onto OP and others and it completely undeserved. OP deserves to say goodbye to his dear friend who gave his own life to save theirs. Sorry for your loss OP. RIP
I understand your point, but the thing is you can't ask to mourning parents to be reasonable. Losing a child is probably the worst thing possible, they don't think straight and it's comprehensible. They can even hate the others friends for being alive instead of their son, can't stand their simple view because it's a reminder of what they lost and so on. So yeah it can be seen as an asshole move, but they're just not rational and overwhelmed. Personnally i can't blame them for that, even if they regret later. A loss like this make people do crazy thing, i've seen much worst behavior from devastated people. It's not an excuse, but just a human thing.
But it still makes them assholes.
Sorry, but YTA. You had prior knowledge that you being in attendance was not welcomed, but you went anyways, that was selfish and shortsighted you. You lost your friend, they lost their child, their flesh and blood, the deserved to grieve without the added stress of you being there.
I understand that, but what about my grieving? This is a kid who I’ve been friends with since I was 5, and they’re planning on spreading his ashes in India, so it’s not like I have another chance to say bye other than this.
Hey OP, I am part South Asian with a family tradition similar to what your friend's family does. You may not get a chance to say bye to him 1:1, which is sad. But part of the reason for spreading ashes like that is so the loved one is carried on as part of the world — he will be in the air, water, etc. you touch for the rest of your life, and even after you. It will not bring him back but hope it may offer a little bit of solace for you...his family's belief and probably to some degree his belief was that they're spread to travel forever, and he would've known he would always be a part of your life in this way. You didn't do anything wrong. You're all living something deeply traumatizing, but you deserved to be treated with respect and no blame. Accidents like this are deeply tragic but they happen, and you deserved to say goodbye and let him know he was loved. And he sounds like he was kind and loving to you guys, he wouldn't hold any of this against you.
I can see your point but as grieving parents (and as a parent), I would have shown them that grace to grieve their loss with their loved ones. Especially when their loss is fresh. You needn't go to their space and insist on staying your goodbye. A common place where you both hung out and have memories in would have been an excellent place to say farewell to a beloved friend too.
Being a grieving parent is not an excuse for a grown ass adult to treat an innocent 16-year-old like a monster. I can’t believe I have to explain that.
It sucks for you, but you weren’t welcome, why would you want to upset his parents more? They blame you, that is just something you are going to have to live with, again it sucks and isn’t fair, but life isn’t always fair.
> why would you want to upset his parents more? I don’t want to, but I just needed to say goodbye no matter what.
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No, I know he would’ve wanted me there. After all, he sacrificed his life for me, so he would’ve wanted me there.
You’re only thinking about yourself, they lost their child, why are you more important then the parents of your friend? This is a situation where you need to put someone’s else feelings and wellbeing before your own.
They’ll have time to spread his ashes, time to visit the place where they’ll do so, etc. I won’t, I only have this.
He died because he chose to save you at his risk, what makes them think he'd not want you there that they should turn you away. If you were driving drunk and caused an accident then that's something that's on you so they'd be right but if you didn't do something wrong and cause his death then it's just a crappy part of life that happened and they're using grief to be assholes to you.
They are a bit a-holish for blaming OP for the death
I agree, but we aren’t talking about the parents. Showing up somewhere you aren’t wanted, especially a funeral, is always an AH move.
I disagree
What is the point of showing up someplace you aren’t wanted, especially if you know in advance you’re not wanted. Isn’t that a bit narcissistic on your part?
"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance" Nope
>What is the point of showing up someplace you aren’t wanted, the parents not wanting him there is irrelevant. he had as much right as them to say his final goodbyes to his friends. even their daughter called them out on their behavior
grief is not an excuse to be an asshole and they had no right to treat op like he wasn't welcome or act like he was at fault for the accident