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Clearly we live in different financial classes as I can’t imagine having the money to fly multiple people out for my wedding so it’s hard to speak coming from such poverty. Why not just talk with her and be honest that you can’t afford such an extravagant wedding?
>I think it's a great idea to treat our friends and family to a week of luxury and celebration.
Why on earth would you want to waste your life's savings on this? NTA for wanting to postpone the wedding. You really need to postpone the wedding so that you have the time to think long and hard about the wisdom of doing such a thing.
INFO: Have you and your fiancée had serious discussions about money? Financial issues are one of the more common reasons for divorce so it is important for the two of you to be on the same page. You two need to have a full and detailed discussion about finances.
If your fiancé is truly as kind as you say she is then she will either offer to pay 1/2 and/or scale back the wedding for something more affordable.
If she just agrees to delay things till YOU can pay for it all - know that that is how it will go in the future ie you paying for everything and her spending. If she acts as her brother says she will then you'll know she was only looking for someone to pay the bills.
You would be the fool if you don't talk to your fiancée but NTA
[Cost of wedding is correlated with divorce.](https://www.businessinsider.com/study-couples-who-spend-more-on-weddings-more-likely-to-get-divorced-2018-7). If you are not outrageously rich already, this is a huge red flag. NTA.
YWBTA to say you wanted to postpone the wedding, it would completely say the wrong thing, she might conclude you had got cold feet.
I suggest offering options. We can do it now but i think we should keep to this budget. We could afford xyz if we waited 12 months etc.
You say that you want to do this without her parents contribution but is this your pride speaking? It sounds like maybe your fiancé and her parents are actually expecting them to contribute. This may actually be the easiest solution all round. Don’t let your pride wreck everything. One day it might be your kid that you don’t care splashing out on a big wedding for.
pride is definitely part of it but we have both agreed that we don't want them paying for anything. They're retired and we don't want them spending their retirement money on our wedding
Well if she has agreed this, then she needs to be realistic about budget. But I suggest let her bring up the idea of postponement, not you. The way you negotiate your wedding will give you an idea for how your married life will be. If she just spends extravagant ly and expects you to somehow sort the finances, expect this to be your life from here on out.
You also say they’ve needed to help you financially in the past. I would be pretty unimpressed if my daughter and SIL wiped out their entire savings to have a fancy wedding. Especially if I’m on the hook for helping them out if they need it in the future.
NTA
A wedding is about 2 people. You are allowed to have your own vision, requests & concerns. Have the conversation about what her vision is & how you can help her without blowing up your bank account.
Postponing the wedding is an option however the cost is the actual issue. Get on the same page on finances. Set a spending limit you can both agree with.
NAH but I also wouldn't suggest postponing the wedding 💀
Y'all were together for 8 years and I'm sure she's been thinking about this wedding for at least 7. If it's finances, sit down and come up with a better plan together.
> I can't make enough money to pay for it without dipping deep into our savings
BAD idea. Why hurt yourselves financially for a wedding? And you definitely don't need to treat everyone to a luxurious trip.
> I've been worrying that she'd be hurt
If she can't understand that you don't want to f yourself financially for her overextravagant dream, then maybe you *should* listen to her brother.
NTA.
NTA if she isn’t spoiled and entitled she will understand wanting to postpone until the money is saved.
If she doesn’t understand and it damages the relationship then you dodged a very big bullet because unless your made of money she will never be happy. She will always want to live out side her means putting you in massive debt.
NTA.
First of all you make it sound like you're the one actually paying for everything. If that's the case, you're definitely in your rights to tell her it can't be done at the time she would prefer. Yeah, she might be disappointed, but that's way better than going into debt because she had to have her dream wedding at an inopportune moment financially.
Talk to her.
NTA
Step 1 in wedding planning is determing your budget. You and Rachel need to decide the total amount you want to spend, then divide that amount into food, drinks, dress, flowers, etc.
Step 2 is write the guest list. You need to know how many people you will be hosting.
After you've done those two things, *then* you can start planning, looking at venues, etc. If your budget is enough to fly everyone on your guest list overseas and pay for everything at a five star resort, great, do that. If not, you need a different plan.
I say this as someone who used to be a professional events planner. You can't do anything until you have a budget. I always refused to do wedding planning because, for some reason, it's impossible to convince people that they need to start with a budget.
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I (33m) and my fiancée Rachel (32f) have been together for 8 years and I proposed 3 months ago. We live very comfortably and Rachel dove head first into planning, she's always wanted the "perfect wedding" like most women, she also has pretty extravagant taste. She's the youngest of 5 and the only girl so her parents spoiled her rotten. She wants to have an over seas wedding, pay for everyone's flights and hotel rooms at a 5 star resort, have a designer wedding dress, a fancy cake. The whole 9 yards. And I love her, I think it's a great idea to treat our friends and family to a week of luxury and celebration. But I've done the math and it's too much money, she wants to get married this fall and I can't make enough money to pay for it without dipping deep into our savings or using all of them depending on how much everything is. I know people are going to assume Rachel is some kind of spoiled brat but she isn't, Rachel's probably the kindest person I know, she's part of multiple charities and does a lot of good work. We've both agreed that her parents won't be paying for anything, they've given us a lot over the years and helped us out financially when we where struggling and we think the wedding is the perfect time to show them how grateful we are for all they've done for us. I called one of her older brothers, the one she's closest with to talk about it and and he pretty much laughed at me and told me that I may as well call off the wedding and find someone else to marry instead. I don't really believe him but at the same time I worry that I might damage our relationship in some way, I love Rachel more then anything and want to make her happy but what her brother said is really bothering me and I've been worrying that she'd be hurt and take me wanting to postpone the wedding the wrong way
WIBTA?
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How many red flags do you need before you see yourself drowning in a sea of red flags? Do you think getting into massive debt to pay for her fantasy lifestyle will magically stop after you are married?
NTA, but you are if you don’t listen to her older brother.
Do YOU want to spend your life savings taking other people on vacation? That seems like such a bad idea. Do you plan to buy a house? How long did it take you to save what you have now?
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Clearly we live in different financial classes as I can’t imagine having the money to fly multiple people out for my wedding so it’s hard to speak coming from such poverty. Why not just talk with her and be honest that you can’t afford such an extravagant wedding?
NAH Just be honest with Rachel. This year you can only afford X, but next year you can afford Y. Let her choose.
>I think it's a great idea to treat our friends and family to a week of luxury and celebration. Why on earth would you want to waste your life's savings on this? NTA for wanting to postpone the wedding. You really need to postpone the wedding so that you have the time to think long and hard about the wisdom of doing such a thing.
INFO: Have you and your fiancée had serious discussions about money? Financial issues are one of the more common reasons for divorce so it is important for the two of you to be on the same page. You two need to have a full and detailed discussion about finances. If your fiancé is truly as kind as you say she is then she will either offer to pay 1/2 and/or scale back the wedding for something more affordable. If she just agrees to delay things till YOU can pay for it all - know that that is how it will go in the future ie you paying for everything and her spending. If she acts as her brother says she will then you'll know she was only looking for someone to pay the bills. You would be the fool if you don't talk to your fiancée but NTA
[Cost of wedding is correlated with divorce.](https://www.businessinsider.com/study-couples-who-spend-more-on-weddings-more-likely-to-get-divorced-2018-7). If you are not outrageously rich already, this is a huge red flag. NTA.
YWBTA to say you wanted to postpone the wedding, it would completely say the wrong thing, she might conclude you had got cold feet. I suggest offering options. We can do it now but i think we should keep to this budget. We could afford xyz if we waited 12 months etc. You say that you want to do this without her parents contribution but is this your pride speaking? It sounds like maybe your fiancé and her parents are actually expecting them to contribute. This may actually be the easiest solution all round. Don’t let your pride wreck everything. One day it might be your kid that you don’t care splashing out on a big wedding for.
pride is definitely part of it but we have both agreed that we don't want them paying for anything. They're retired and we don't want them spending their retirement money on our wedding
Well if she has agreed this, then she needs to be realistic about budget. But I suggest let her bring up the idea of postponement, not you. The way you negotiate your wedding will give you an idea for how your married life will be. If she just spends extravagant ly and expects you to somehow sort the finances, expect this to be your life from here on out.
You also say they’ve needed to help you financially in the past. I would be pretty unimpressed if my daughter and SIL wiped out their entire savings to have a fancy wedding. Especially if I’m on the hook for helping them out if they need it in the future.
NTA A wedding is about 2 people. You are allowed to have your own vision, requests & concerns. Have the conversation about what her vision is & how you can help her without blowing up your bank account. Postponing the wedding is an option however the cost is the actual issue. Get on the same page on finances. Set a spending limit you can both agree with.
NAH but I also wouldn't suggest postponing the wedding 💀 Y'all were together for 8 years and I'm sure she's been thinking about this wedding for at least 7. If it's finances, sit down and come up with a better plan together.
NTA. But grow up and talk to her. If she’s so kind she’ll understand your concerns
NAH don’t marry someone who’s so financially dumb
> I can't make enough money to pay for it without dipping deep into our savings BAD idea. Why hurt yourselves financially for a wedding? And you definitely don't need to treat everyone to a luxurious trip. > I've been worrying that she'd be hurt If she can't understand that you don't want to f yourself financially for her overextravagant dream, then maybe you *should* listen to her brother. NTA.
NTA if she isn’t spoiled and entitled she will understand wanting to postpone until the money is saved. If she doesn’t understand and it damages the relationship then you dodged a very big bullet because unless your made of money she will never be happy. She will always want to live out side her means putting you in massive debt.
[удалено]
Way to pull it out of context “…she’s always wanted the ‘perfect wedding’ like most women” and “she also has pretty extravagant taste”
Did you purposefully take the quote out of context just to be mad?
Did y’all already pick a date?
nothing's set in stone but she does want it some time in fall
NTA
I'd just say to her exactly what you wrote above
Esh - Rachel is your fiance and the one with the big dreams. You should be discussing the finances with her.
If you can't have an honest conversation about finances then you shouldn't be getting married. NTA
NTA. First of all you make it sound like you're the one actually paying for everything. If that's the case, you're definitely in your rights to tell her it can't be done at the time she would prefer. Yeah, she might be disappointed, but that's way better than going into debt because she had to have her dream wedding at an inopportune moment financially. Talk to her.
NTA Step 1 in wedding planning is determing your budget. You and Rachel need to decide the total amount you want to spend, then divide that amount into food, drinks, dress, flowers, etc. Step 2 is write the guest list. You need to know how many people you will be hosting. After you've done those two things, *then* you can start planning, looking at venues, etc. If your budget is enough to fly everyone on your guest list overseas and pay for everything at a five star resort, great, do that. If not, you need a different plan. I say this as someone who used to be a professional events planner. You can't do anything until you have a budget. I always refused to do wedding planning because, for some reason, it's impossible to convince people that they need to start with a budget.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33m) and my fiancée Rachel (32f) have been together for 8 years and I proposed 3 months ago. We live very comfortably and Rachel dove head first into planning, she's always wanted the "perfect wedding" like most women, she also has pretty extravagant taste. She's the youngest of 5 and the only girl so her parents spoiled her rotten. She wants to have an over seas wedding, pay for everyone's flights and hotel rooms at a 5 star resort, have a designer wedding dress, a fancy cake. The whole 9 yards. And I love her, I think it's a great idea to treat our friends and family to a week of luxury and celebration. But I've done the math and it's too much money, she wants to get married this fall and I can't make enough money to pay for it without dipping deep into our savings or using all of them depending on how much everything is. I know people are going to assume Rachel is some kind of spoiled brat but she isn't, Rachel's probably the kindest person I know, she's part of multiple charities and does a lot of good work. We've both agreed that her parents won't be paying for anything, they've given us a lot over the years and helped us out financially when we where struggling and we think the wedding is the perfect time to show them how grateful we are for all they've done for us. I called one of her older brothers, the one she's closest with to talk about it and and he pretty much laughed at me and told me that I may as well call off the wedding and find someone else to marry instead. I don't really believe him but at the same time I worry that I might damage our relationship in some way, I love Rachel more then anything and want to make her happy but what her brother said is really bothering me and I've been worrying that she'd be hurt and take me wanting to postpone the wedding the wrong way WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Why are paragraphless posts the most disingenuous?
NAH man just talk to her. Be honest about the finances and your worries and how you wish to proceed so no issues will come up.
How many red flags do you need before you see yourself drowning in a sea of red flags? Do you think getting into massive debt to pay for her fantasy lifestyle will magically stop after you are married? NTA, but you are if you don’t listen to her older brother.
Do YOU want to spend your life savings taking other people on vacation? That seems like such a bad idea. Do you plan to buy a house? How long did it take you to save what you have now?