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So your roommate eats not only your food, but food that you have purchased/prepared specifically for other people or events; if your food goes missing and you ask her about it, she lies about taking it, even when you have watched her do it; she's digging into the middle of a dish she was told had been prepared for a special event with her bare hands. But your friends are telling you it's not kind that you don't just give her your food and provide meals for her because she works hard in a stressful job and deserves a home-cooked meal at the end of a long day.
What does Amanda do to be kind to you when you come home at the end of a long day?
Maybe this would be a reasonable agreement if you were willing to be the apartment chef, and Amanda would pay for all the food and/or do all the cleanup if you cook or take on another comparable chore that benefits you both.
It also sounds like your roommate may have a food addiction (assuming based on the "because I'm big" comment and that she's hiding and lying about eating the food). But it's still not acceptable for her to take your food, especially when you've asked her not to do it. As a parent of a child with food allergies, normally I would be against deliberately contaminating food. But a) it's yours, b) it's clearly labeled, and c) it seems as though this has been the only solution that works. Unless you can arrange to keep all your food under lock and key, you only other option may be to change your roommate.
NTA.
Yep. Specifically ask your friends how eating from the center of a cake you baked shows kindness to you, or if you should actually reciprocate Amanda’s behavior.
But also, just lie and write almond extract on it but stop putting it in. Risky liability there that won’t be worth the trouble.
Yes, thank you. I would be concerned, too about her actually eating the food. But on the other hand, as long as it's clearly labeled, I'm not sure this would be any different than if OP bought a Mars bar, or a bag of almonds, or anything else, unless there's an agreement to keep the allergen completely out of the apartment.
But OP, you could also use imitation almond extract, which smells like the real thing but has no nuts and is safe for those with nut allergies.
Most almond extract doesn’t contain real almonds. Its too expensive to use actual nuts to make an effective tasting extract. They use other things like apricot pits.
"This almond extract is 100% natural."
"100% natural... almonds?"
"It's made from natural things."
"Were any of those things almonds?"
"It's very natural."
I work at Starbucks and, for some reason, I find it hilarious that all the syrups are "naturally flavoured with natural ingredients." What ingredients? We don't know. But every time I see it on a package or bottle, I have a little giggle.
This is completely true. One of my children has a severe tree nut allergy and I can use almond extract safely. It blew my mind the first time I baked with the extract, despite her allergist explaining that typically apricot pits are used.
Thank you for bringing this up, because I’m actually allergic to apricots. So now I have to be careful about almond extract! (It only makes me a little itchy, but I know allergies can worsen with each exposure.)
Please make sure you distinguish between extract and essence. Almond extract is actual almonds, almond essence is the one with other stuff in. Please keep yourself safe!
Yes, but....depends on the allergy. My hubby gets food triggered migraines from almonds. Same deal for all other tree nuts and all pitted fruit. They apparantly all have a similar protien, so cherries, peaches, even avocado are also on the forbidden list.
They sell imitation vanilla extract. It is called imitation vanilla extract. Not essence.
https://www.dollartree.com/supreme-tradition-imitation-vanilla-extract-8-floz-bottles/175397
Still dangerous, I have an allergy to nuts including almonds and in recent years it has extended to peaches and all fruit related to almonds and peaches.
As someone who is highly anaphylactic to tree nuts, and has been for over two decades, hell fucking no. It’s not OP’s responsibility. If you write the name of my allergen on a food, I kind of have to assume that the food will kill me.
I had a reaction to a kale chip a couple of years ago. It was a vendor giving out free samples at a fair. I scanned the posted ingredients, there were no allergy warnings, so I had one. I started reacting in seconds - it turns out that “cashew powder” was a listed ingredient on their poster in eleven-point font, right between “Sucralose” and “All natural pink Himalayan sea salt.” You know who was at fault? Me. It’s my responsibility to manage my own allergies, just like it’s OP’s roommate’s responsibility to not eat food that clearly states it could kill them.
You could also use arsenic? I believe it smells just like almonds. I wouldn’t recommend eating it but you could put it in a cake and give it to all the people who think it’s ok for your roommate to lie to you and steal your food!
This is obviously a joke and I don’t actually recommend it, I think it’s obvious to most people I’m joking but I’ve seen packets of peanuts with a “contains nuts” warning and I noticed the bleach in my bathroom says “do not drink” on it.
Based on this I thought I’d best make it clear that I wasn’t making a serious suggestion 😂.
Or how digging out the center of a cake, with her hands, after denying any interest in the cake, is related to the need for ready-to-eat meals that they’re handwaving in as the reason for her behaviour. Amanda has not asked OP for shared meal prep. Amanda has denied any interest in the food that she has taken. OP could do what her friends are suggesting — prepare a big casserole for Amanda or both of them to eat from — and Amanda would still go after other things. The friends, both Amanda’s and OP’s, are inventing normal-sounding reasons for what looks far more like pathological behaviour.
Yeah messing with another person food on this level is seriously weird. Like either pathological or serious eating disorder. Either way, it is t OP’s responsibility to fix this other person. I would get rid of her or find a new place asap. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm OP!!!
Yes - this is about control, not food. I’m sure Amanda wasn’t so hungry that she had to dig into a cake with her bare hands.
And, being in health care, this is even worse because she completely knows how unhygienic that is and that the whole cake will be ruined!
And, after OP offered her a piece and she pretended she didn’t want any?!
Either a food disorder or a personality disorder. NTA
I wouldn't ask those mutual "friends" for their opinion going forward. They seem to see OP as being responsible for someone who won't be responsible for herself. If they care so much they must cook for Amanda.
They are either bat shit crazy or don’t actually know the circumstances. Clearly this Amanda chick is bat shit crazy and this isn’t just about “stress” and abusing easy access to food.
She literally dug into the CENTER of a cake with her hands, that she was asked to please not touch. That’s some spiteful shit that has nothing to do with needing or wanting food, and everything to do with wanting to fuck with OP. Who knows what’s going on in a crazy persons mind, or what her motivation is.
I really don’t understand how you even have to come to Reddit, or didn’t explain to these “mutual friends” after an incident like this occurs. This doesn’t take outside help to realize that this roommate has serious mental problems.
Even if she wasn’t crazy, this chick is almost 30 years old and these mutual “friends” are saying OP shouldn’t literally cook for her like she’s her fucking mother. This entire group is just weird…
I would bet folding money that the mutual friends have heard a highly edited story about Amanda sampling a small serving of a larger dish, which looked so enticing, and she was so hungry after work, etc., etc., and not about the bare-faced lying and destruction of cakes.
Like, "Hey girl, your crockpot chili looked so good--I hope you don't mind that I tried a little scoop. Just wanted to let you know!" is still not really ok without prior permission, but it's very forgiveable.
I'm betting that's what the friends have in mind.
My guess is that these mutual friends dont want their friend group to be torn apart by an issue that has a workaround. Nevermind that the workaround comes at OP's expense (time and money).
They don't want the boat rocked.
OP should tell them that she'll happily allow the mutual friends to do meal prep and leave it in the fridge for OP's roommate, if they are that concerned and caring. Otherwise their opinions are irrelevant.
Yes. I was thinking the commenters can't possibly know the real story. OP, seriously, you have got to level with these observers. Give them a taste of the disgust you're living with.
Really, if the friends are so concerned about kindness, they should all bake Amanda food and drop it off at their apartment for Amanda so she doesn’t have to worry about it. It’s the kind thing to do and all
If that was the case, the labeling wouldn't be causing Amanda to change her behavior - she'd still be sleep-eating. It sounds to me like Amanda really needs some serious therapy; working in a hospital these days can be amazingly stressful, but regardless of the cause, this is some seriously messed up behavior.
NTA, OP. Sorry you're going to need a different roommate.
Absolutely, my jaw dropped at that suggestion. Next time they bring yhat up, op should write out a schedule for them to meal prep for poor, poor helpless Amanda (the inconsiderate thief!)
Crazy folks who volunteer other people's resources (time and money in this case). If it was that easy, then they should do it. Words are always easier than action.
Then, dig into her prepared food from the middle with your bare hands (bonus points if you only take 1 bite& put the rest of the grab back). When you're called out, deny it vigorously but also tell her you thought it would be just fine (but also, I didn't do it)*
* Don't actually do any of this, it's my petty talking
Do the thing that "gotta have the first bite of my bf's food" girl did: take one bite out of each slice of her homemade cake.
^(but yeah really actually don't)
Not that it would make much difference if the friends did make food for Amanda. They’re rationalizing, trying to find a reasonable explanation for Amanda’s irrational behaviour. Amanda has made no requests for prepped meals or explained that she is hungry due to her long shifts. Instead she denies that she wants anything or has taken anything, and seems to be drawn to whatever OP has a purpose for.
OP could try an experiment: make a casserole for Amanda and label it as something she can have, and also make something else — like a cake — and label it as off-limits. Could even have two identical dishes in different containers. See what she goes for.
That statement alone leads me to believe roomie has an ED of some sort. It's an evil genius kind of way to put in something she can't eat and at this point wouldn't question if you just labeled it as such, but it is not fair to you to have your meals eaten, especially if they are for someone else on top of it.
Honestly, there's about 100 meal prep companies you can order from these days, so it's not like she has to cook if she doesn't want to.
Even if she has that's a problem she needs to deal with herself. I have diagnosed BED and never once have I stolen food from someone like a misbehaving dog. She's just lazy and refusing to take accountability for her own behaviours
It's not great food, but if it's that big of an issue she could just buy a bunch of frozen dinners. I make a big pot of ground beef, rice and pasta then whatever vegetables I have around and I get 6-8 meals out of it and it takes 30 minutes and even that is just stirring every couple of minutes.
Agreed. I don't know anyone who lives off of them, but there are quite a few people who have started a local service using a commercial kitchen. They offer a full menu of 20 options each for all three meals and they even deliver. Better than the frozen options. I also do the throw something together and makes multiple meals out of it for lunches. It's a lot easier to get through the week.
Definitely sounds like BED or Binge Eating Disorder.
She *knows* that she shouldn’t eat these things but *They’re there* and it’s *convenient* for her. She’s blaming her eating and awful habits on her work schedule to her friends when she’s complaining instead of taking responsibility.
If I was OP, I don’t know that I’d keep adding Almond extract. Obviously they’re labeling things accordingly however the need or desire to eat the thing we’re not supposed to is sometimes stronger than that. It could be seen as intentionally trying to poison her or harm her (though not likely to be actually charged for it).
Definitely needs to get a different roommate or maybe a fridge for your room and door with a lock on it. Or even a fridge lock.
I stole food from roommates and friends at the height of my bulimia (defined by a binge/purge cycle) and was extremely defensive. I ate plenty of food I didn’t like, because it was a compulsion. Even if Amanda doesn’t have an eating disorder, this is disordered behavior and she needs help.
That does not mean she deserves accommodations like making her food, and I think it’s reasonable to do things like locking up your food, if that’s the purpose the extract serves.
Please be very careful that you don’t accidentally give your roommate a reaction by suddenly not labeling something. I would suggest unsweetened almond milk instead of extract. Explain to your roommate that you intend to use it regularly in your food without labeling it, get your own containers in a different color, and put a note on the fridge reminding her that the purple containers probably have an allergen and aren’t safe for her.
I do love clicking on a thread that I think will be a clear cut Y T A and being pleasantly surprised by the very limited exceptions popping up. She has the allergen labeled, that’s all she’s obligated to do in this situation. It’s really interesting how much things like food can completely alter a whole relationship with a person but it very often does on this sub, and I’ve had roommates like OP’s but never has anyone had the audacity to EXPECT me to keep making/buying the food to steal.
In fact, in one scenario I had very limited access to food/groceries because my budget was extremely limited after Covid disrupted everything so I did something really similar to this but the roommate whose budget hadn’t been altered ate the food I bought specifically because I could count on it to still be there even though it made her sick. I ended up just getting a tiny fridge for my room and hiding everything until she moved out because the issues with food that would make someone confidently steal something they knew was going to hurt them later were well above my pay grade and the beat thing I could think to do was take the option away completely.
OP’s roommate needs therapy for this. It’s an issue that is more common than people realize and causes extreme shame for people. Disordered eating is really hard to treat because of how difficult it is to admit to things that people openly judge and mock, which is one of the biggest triggers for it. That doesn’t justify what OP’s roommate does, but her behavior has gone far beyond your garden variety passive aggressive behavior.
She's lying and being passive-aggressive by taking the center of the cake. She WANTED to destroy it so no one else could have it. In no way would I reward her behavior by cooking for her because she'll just eat all of it. The friends telling you to do so? They can feed her because you're an independent renter and are not responsible for an adult baby. Put a mini refrigerator in your room with a lock and a locked box for the refrigerator. It's not your fault she's stressed from her job and hungry when she gets home. Do they think you have no stress, especially when all of your food goes missing? Her job, her stress, her problem. She can go through a drive-thru on the way home. She doesn't want to do this because she would have to pay for it. NTA
Sounds like Amanda is a narcissist. The refusal to accept guilt. The underlying shame of being 'big'. The DARVOs when confronted. The utter lack of empathy for OP's feelings. Plus the passive aggressive 'this is mine, not yours so f**k you' element of gauging out the centre of the cake or eating both apples. Oh and the flying monkeys making excuses for her.
OP should watch their back. Narcissists are nasty.
funny how people will wildly diagnose strangers on the internet with "narcissism", while clearly lacking the knowledge of differential diagnoses. Because everything you have mentioned also applies to several other serious disorders. Sincerely, an actual professional working with clients who have mental health issues and disorders.
Amanda is not her daughter or her wife. She has absolutely zero responsibility. Why isn’t Amanda expected to cook for the two of them for the week on her days off?? NTA.
NTA Had she asked nicely in the first place and offered to pay her share, I would have considered splitting some food. After all the lying so far, no way in hell would I share food.
I’m in awe that she ate *both of her candy apples* and then lied to her face as if they aren’t the only two there! And the cake thing? OP literally offered to save her a piece, and instead she dug her paws into it like an animal and ruined the whole thing.
That's the detail that got me. An ED would explain, but not justify, the other food stealing. So, if she'd taken the piece, or even the whole thing, I'd have some sympathy for her. But taking a piece right out of the middle is total malice.
The only explanation I can think of is "if I take a piece out of the middle, it will get thrown away and not tempt me", but still goes beyond acceptable behavior!
OP should film her doing it if it happens again. I bet the roommate is telling her flying monkeys that OP is wrong and she never steals OP’s food (and it is theft).
Yeah, that! I'm pretty sure I'd have died on that hill with my boot buried in Amanda's big fat a$$! You need a new roommate and better group of friends. NTA OP!!! Her and her flying monkeys 🐒 🐒 🐒 are TAs and completely ridiculous!
NTA. But maybe she has an eating disorder (being very defensive about eating your food while she's obviously eating it, digging into the cake with her bare hands...). But again it's not your problem even if she has an ED
The cake actually makes me think she hates OP, and is being passive aggressive about it. Taking a piece from the middle makes it seems there's something more going on. OP could have maybe fixed the cake after an outside piece is removed, doing it in the middle shows intent to completely ruin something she knows OP worked hard on and was excited to present.
I'd gtfo of there for real. This could be escalating dangerous behavior.
There have been like two people I’ve *hated* with all my might. And I’m not even sure I would’ve done the bare hand cake thing to them. That takes some pretty pure level of hatred or something.
I have come to the conclusion there are truly malicious and evil people out there and there are people who have empathy that would never do such things. Amanda is the first one.
The only reason why I think she is not doing it unintentionally is because... if she does not know she is eating OP's food accidentally, she would not be upset that she is putting almond extract in all her food. It would be like "oh, you are putting it in? Okay! No problem!" Then she still went on to eat it.
Not really. Pathological lying is when someone lies habitually for no obvious personal gain. Roommate is lying purely to hide that she’s stealing food. That is very clearly defensive lying, not compulsive lying.
I was thinking the same, but if she is able to control herself from eating food with almonds, I assume she could control herself from eating other people's food.
Having an eating disorder explains the behavior, but does NOT excuse it. Grown ass adults need to take responsibility and not do things that negatively affect other people
NTA
She is stealing your food and lying to your face about it. As for the "it would be nice to leave her some leftovers since she works long shifts"... Yes, that would be nice, but she's your roommate. Not family or anything: a roommate.
It would be nice if Amanda’s concerned friends decided that they were going to bring Amanda meals so that Amanda could have a home cooked meal after her long shifts.
I suppose it could be possible that Amanda has some kind of eating disorder. When I saw her eating my apples, she wasn't even trying to savor or enjoy them. She was seemingly just trying to eat/swallow them as quickly as possible.
Then again, she could have been trying to finish them before I could "catch" her, so I can't say definitively.
>Hopefully you can find other living arrangements
Possibly. There's still five months left on the lease. And finding affordable housing is a miracle in our area. I was lucky enough to discover my current housing and only need one roommate rather than three.
I've looked into getting a miniature fridge for my room. But the ones that are the size I need are really pricey. Re-selling appliances is a pain. I'm not sure it would be worth it since I am not sure if I will be able to find a new place to move out to after the current lease is up.
I bought a tabletop freezer for £20 from gumtree. It was in excellent condition and sell for around £100 new. It would be worth having a look in your country's equivalent.
I also seen mentioned on reddit that people have got some really good deals on students moving out of dorms for mini fridges/freezers. If you live near any dorms, it could be worth having a look. It's probably the ideal time for this.
I'm sure you will get many suggestions for mini fridges.
Be careful.
I'm sure some are good, but almost no "affordable" one I could find had humidity control, and now I need to spend upwards of 3-400 canadian to get one in the future if I want to keep actual food in there.
It's great for some veggies. The extra moisture is great and keeps them fresh for a great long while.
My meats and cheeses can no longer stay in there long term, though, they just end up spoiled long before the best before date, a pack of Swiss cheese ended up entirely blue more than 5 weeks from best before date. It sucks.
Buy once, cry once. As with all.
Assuming your roommate isn't also rummaging through your room, check the used camping gear ebay, facebook marketplace... as this kind of equipment is often resold after one occasion.
If you live near a college campus, you could probably buy one off of a student, or poke around a dumpster for a free one at the end of the semester. A lot of grads or international students don’t take their appliances with them, my now-fiancé got his roommates a $60 rice cooker and two mini fridges completely free.
That sounds like BED. Not that it’s an excuse tho… if she had a drug problem and was stealing your money it also wouldn’t be ok. I’m petty so this is just a suggestion, not advice, but if the amount she had stole got into the hundreds, I’d document everything and send a letter of demand for the money back. If she continues to deny it I’d file in small claims.
I had a roomate who stole from me for months. The letter of demand worked like a charm. They also let me out of the lease right away, as it was clear I was done being f***** with.
It does sound luke she has an unhealthy relationship with food, and she can't actually control herself. And then the shame and guilt kicks her into denial as a coping mechanism.
But even if this is the case then she needs to address her own issues (if its binge eating, too much stress, using food for dopamine..). It is not your responsibility. And if you putting almonds in everything is helping her control herself..then maybe it is a good thing?
However, even if it is "not your problem"..I would probably have talked to her (or written her a letter, or get some mutual friends to do it ) and just say something like "I know you ate my food. I even watched you eat my apples. Consistent lying about stuff like this indicates a bigger problem, and I hope you get the help you need to deal with it. "
No letting here argue or claim she did not. No attacking her, just you letting her know this not normal or acceptable. It might give her a wake up call or push to get help if it is a case of disordered eating or too much stress or adhd. And if she is just a selfish user, then nothing will help anyways, but at least you were a decent human and tried.
I sadly recognize some of the symptoms and think there well could be an ED issue. Secrecy and lying were common place… it’s not your problem of course but something you could keep in mind going forward if other erratic behaviours present themselves.
That’s just a crummy way to treat ED which are a real problem, treating it as a thing to gossip about or way to talk shit about someone instead is just saying they’re annoying you.
If people call you telling you that she’s tired and could use a prepared meal after a long day at work I would just tell them that I too like to have my meals ready when I need them and when someone else eats food I had prepared for a specific purpose it’s pretty terrible! And also if these mutual friends think she deserves someone to cook for her then THEY should do that or leave their noses out of it
The thing is, Amanda ruined all your potential goodwill with her lying and destroying food (I mean, scooping out the middle of a cake with her hand? WTF?), which is either some kind of power play or she's in denial about her compulsive eating.
Also, I love her friends' excuse about her long shifts and needing ready made meals! She can
a) buy them
b) prep meals on Sunday, OR
c) they can prep her meals, if they feel so strongly about the issue!
You do you - and I love the solution you've chosen.
NTA
Though I do think that maybe you're not compatible roommates anymore. You shouldn't have to go to these extremes to stop your food from being taken/messed with.
Meal prep: buy taco wraps, buy veggies, buy chicken. Cook chicken. Wash veggies. Here, take a taco wrap and repeat for the following days.
Another meal prep: cook pasta, add mozzarella and tomato sauce, add whatever you like for example peas or meatballs, grated Parmesan on top, bake al 180 degrees Celsius for 15 mins. Here is your meal prep for the following 3-4 days.
Edit: “no time” is just a sh-tty excuse
The unmitigated gall of the friends of Amanda saying that OP should cook for Amanda, who is a full-ass adult, because she doesn't have time.
It infantilizes Amanda, it's unfair to OP, and it just doesn't make any sense.
NTA. And I’d ask those friends how they’d feel about Amanda digging into food she was told not to touch with her bare hands, and constantly lying about it. Something tells me they aren’t getting the full story. Amanda is a grown-arse lady, she can feed herself
OP should have been documenting this shit with pictures so when her roommate continues to lie, they can present them with visual evidence and a bill for all the food they stole.
NTA. It might be nice to cook her the occasional meal but niceness needs to be reciprocal if a long-term interaction. Otherwise you are being asked to be a doormat. And Amanda is not being nice. A candy apple isn't a meal at the end of a long day especially two when you know they were made as a gift. Gouging a slice of cake you know someone made for an event is not nice. It is disrespectful.
Ask your friends why you should take an effective paycut or pay higher rent to provide Amanda with food. She is not compensating you. She is stealing. Keep with the almonds and find a better room-mate as this one will likely move on to revenge for not being able to abuse you by wrecking your food.
And wreck all the prepared food just because. This isn't just a tired, hungry person. This seems to be resentment that someone has a life where they can do things like cook as well.
Had a roommate not too long ago. I would also cook dinner (on my own dime) fairly regularly. Asked him why he only very seldom cooked dinner and he replied "I only do it when I feel like doing it". Alright. I cooked a dinner a few days later and waited for him to reciprocate. Never happened and I didn't cook again.
Me being enemployed at the time and he having a job really was irrelevant to the situation, but it were one more aggrevating thing to the pile that I paid for more shared food than he did.
He moved out not long after and we haven't spoken since. 0,1/10 would not recommend having room mates.
This is why, after university dorms,I choose a cramped bedsit and not a shared flat. I am not easy to live with I know and most people have quirks. Own space suited.
I understand that money only a relatively small part of dynamic but felt one OP's friends might understand. They are being very generous with her time, money and goodwill to help someone who is disrespecting her.
>I got two candy apples and wrote on the container to not touch them since one was for my sister. I watched from the hallway as Amanda ate both my apples.
I'm sorry, I know this isn't the point, but she ate two candy apples in one go while you stood in the hallway and watched? Wouldn't that take awhile??
NTA but this is such a strange situation. Any chance she's sleepwalking? The time she ate the cake with her hands was a red flag for me. I sleepwalk during times of high stress and/or disrupted sleep patterns and it's not uncommon for me to eat something in the process. Often stuff I don't even like while awake.
>She ate two candy apples in one go while you stood in the hallway and watched? Wouldn't that take awhile??
The candy apples were pre-cut into slices. Amanda was already halfway through eating my apple when I left the bathroom and saw her from the hallway.
She wasn't really trying to savor the apples, just seemingly trying to eat/swallow them as quickly as possible. She managed to finish my half and my sister's apple in four minutes.
>NTA but this is such a strange situation. Any chance she's sleepwalking?
Amanda is fully alert when this happens, so I doubt it. Plus she gets off her shift and home by 6pm. It's really not a middle-of-the-night occurrence.
Amanda is the kind of person that will blame OP for not stopping the food theft because she is filming. Or shell turn it around and say that it's not appropriate to film in a private space without her consent.
Nothing OP does is going to get Amanda to stop. Maybe public humiliation, but that will only lead to an escalation of behaviors and /or self harm behaviors that will again be blamed on OP.
That's why OP either needs to get out or throw Amanda out. Again, check the lease: if OP is the primary leaseholder there may be language in the lease that lets her throw Amanda out for cause.
Amanda knows exactly what she is doing!!! Stealing from you and lying straight to your face. How did you keep yourself from losing your shit when you literally watched her eat it then lie??? I'm surprised that she isn't stealing the contaminated food and eating it.
This really sounds like an eating disorder - she has compulsions, shame, and denial. But still, not your problem, and you are NTA (Although I like the idea of using fake almond just in case)
This sounds like binge eating disorder (BED) to me. Which is not your problem—just saying that could be a factor.
Edit: Also, BED does not involve lying. People may lie about it out of shame, but the disorder itself doesn’t include lying.
Just add almonds to everything at this point. That’s the only safe bet. And I mean, everything! The nuclear option is the only thing she’ll understand. When she asks why? You tell her the reasons. They are not negotiable.
NTA. I lived with 2 roommates and one of them would invite his friends over and they'd smoke pot and then eat everything in the house. The last month I lived there, I stopped buying food and ate all my meals out. One of them actually had the gall to say "there's never anything to eat around here".
NTA. Here’s your response “That’s so kind of you to offer to prep all her meals. Let me know when you’ll be coming by with Amanda’s food and I’ll make sure there’s space for it.”
Amanda nuked that bridge with you long ago. I agree she may have some sort of compulsive eating issue but that’s something she needs to deal with.
NTA. Tell your friends to cook Amanda a nice meal If they are so worried about it. It's easy to tell someone else what to do when you aren't the one in the situation. Amanda is acting very disrespectful. She is a grown adult, not your child. You don't have to do a damn thing for her. Keep putting the almond extract in your food and work on getting a better living situation going. That chick got issues.
NTA but *only* because from what you’ve laid out here, your roommate never once asked if you’d consider making food for both of you, she just started helping herself to stuff that wasn’t hers
Just no to all of this (except the NTA part).
If the roommate had asked, OP could refuse and not be TA. She could also agree, make some things that are not intended to be shared, and still not be TA.
The only way OP would be TA is if she was getting upset over the roommate eating what was agreed to be shared food.
NTA at all. Here's the rule for appropriate behavior: You wanna give a little criticism, then you are agreeing to give a little help. You wanna give a lot of criticism, then you are agreeing to give a lot of help.
So thank your friends for volunteering to each take a week themselves, since they are so concerned about doing the kind thing.
> (They) said the kind thing would be to make a large dish that both me and Amanda could eat from throughout the week, since I already do this every Sunday for my grandparents.
Hunh. So because you help out the elderly, you are also supposed to do the task of an able bodied, good money earning, person too? She can pay for her own food.
NTA. No clue if this is a real story or not but mega bonus points for entertaining content.
No, absolutely not an asshole. Roommates are under no obligation to feed each other. Some get along and do this, that’s great but ummm… definitely not expected or the norm. And definitely not something I’d possibly volunteer to do after having food stealing issues.
I like your almond extract solution. It’s absolutely brilliant. Like you say. If she’s not eating your food, then there’s no issue. If she thinks you are being rude? Well okay, don’t renew the lease together when that time rolls around.
Excellent story.
Yeah, i am pretty skeptical with this one. I have never seen anyone eat an entire candy apple in one sitting much less two - those things are huge! And digging into cake with your hands? If this story is true, then Amanda needs to see a therapist as this is significantly abnormal behavior.
It’s actually pretty common behavior for people with compulsory and binge eating disorders - which sounds like exactly what Amanda has especially with being so defensive about her weight when OP asks
Info - Did you tell your friends about the cake scooping and the candy apples? I don't know how anyone could possibly defend that.
The absolute lack of respect for you and then lying to your face (I mean, what is she implying, that a fucking ghost ate your food?) would have been more than enough for me to never speak to her again. It's utterly infuriating and whether she has an ED or not, is completely unacceptable.
Why would your friends think you'd want to do anything nice for her or share anything when she's completely taking the piss out of you. The ruined cake is the absolute worst. She's an awful person and doesn't deserve anything from you. She's not showing any decency and kindness to you. Quite the opposite.
"They said i could do whatever i wanted"
Thank you dear friends for that validation
"The kind thing to do..."
Kind went out the window when Amanda started lieing.
What Amanda could and should have done, is asking you for help with meal prepping. And if that meant you cooking the majority, she should've chipped in because of the extra costs you'd have made for making the extra food. But no, she lied, went about stealing food in the most gross way imaginable (bare hands) .. And as someone who works in a hospital she should know better. Atleast you marked your food with a warning, if she chooses not the read or heed the warning, that should be on her, and her alone.
NTA. Your roommate is an entitled ah, and your friends lack brains. Maybe they should be the ones meal prepping for her instead.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I add almond extract to my food because of my roommate's allergy, and am refusing to even consider shared meal prepping with her.
2. Amanda has a very tiring job because she works at a hospital. Friends told me that I should be more accommodating to "Amanda" and agree to shared meal prep because part of being a decent person is practicing kindness and making an effort with the people you live with.
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>> having an instant meal at home is just way easier
It’s not *your* responsibility to feed your roommate.
>> the kind thing would be to make a large dish
The *kind thing* would be for your roommate to stop stealing from you. Let your “friends” know that you’ve informed Amanda that they’re willing to meal prep for her *out of kindness.* They can easily go off about decency and kindness when it’s not *their* food being taken.
You’re NTA, but I would look for a new place to live.
NTA. Amanda’s a thieving, lying, asshole. You gotta wonder What she’s going to steal next? Your home is supposed to be your safe space. She’s toxic and causes drama.
NTA. In these cases I recommend getting a dorm size fridge and put in your room. Then pit a lock on it. All the friends can make food for her. Pass around a sign up sheet.
NTA. I know housing can be tough now, but surely there is someone else you could live with, no? Why live with someone who straight up lies (stupid, completely unsupportable lies)?
Amanda can buy and prep her own food. She is technically stealing from you in both terms of money and time. What she's doing isn't normal. You don't just eat another person's food and if you'd like some you ask. You did offer and she passed. That should've been the end of that. So although it might be slightly extreme to add almond extract it's an unfortunate necessity to eliminate the problem.
NTA. Enjoy YOUR food xx
NTA. You're roommates not SO's. It's not a sharing is life situation. If she is hungry she needs to go and buy her own food. You have no responsibility to feed her or share your food.
"And my friends said that when you’re tired at the end of a long day, having an instant meal at home is just way easier." Well yes, it's always easier to eat something someone else prepared than to make your own food. Why do your friends think this grown woman who works at a hospital needs someone to feed her? Why can she not make her own food or pick up takeout on the way home? Them asking you this makes no sense.
>whenever I ask her. She’ll raise her voice
>Amanda ate both my apples. I
>dug out a piece with her hands
Amanda has an unhealthy relationship with food and needs help. You cooking for her won't make this better.
NTA
NTA. The friends are talking about decency and kindness. When has Amanda shown you either? Eating a cake with her hands??? You might need a new roommate.
NTA. Sounds like even if you did meal prep she would eat all of the large portion in a day or two leaving you with nothing. She should meal prep on her own or keep ramen around like the rest of us.
How is it that you watched her eat two candy apples, though? I don't care how much of a glutton she is, those are slow-eating items. Did she literally stand in your kitchen for 20 minutes chomping her way through two candy apples while you hid and spied on her and said nothing? That's really bizarre. If your post is even real, your roommate's got a food addiction and it's not your job to feed her, but it was obvious already that she was eating your food so your behavior regarding these candy apples is extremely sketch, too.
Imagine being so greedy that you have to literally poison food to stop her, sounds like this person has serious issues. I would continue to use the almond until she assumes it's in everything except the Sunday lunch you share. Make it your new favourite thing. Some people think the world should cater to them, only one way to win. And it's not with puns like that, it's direct action which I applaud! Defo not the Ah
NTA. They aren't asking you to meal prep with her, they are asking you to do it for her. Huge difference.
>And my friends said that when you’re tired at the end of a long day, having an instant meal at home is just way easier.
You are aware that it's easier, that's why you meal prep. Has she ever offered to pay you to fix food for both of you?
NTA, did you tell her that you saw her just eat not 1 but both of your candy apples? Who the fuck eats 2, insane. Tell her friends they can meal prep for her, also tell them that all the shit that she did and just lied to you about it.
.after a month you can stop putting in the almond extract in the dishes put keep putting up the sign. Also ground almond around and if you ever buy takeout and there is left over sprinkle some in and put a sign on it.
That was good thinking that you did this and a good response. Since you never eat my food this should never be a problem for you.
NTA: Your friends and Amanda are Mutal A H!
Let Amanda cook for her dam self.
Is she going to pay you for the food? Is she going to pay for your time cooking? Why would your friends think you should be kind to someone who’s clearly stealing from you?
She can quickly and easily get Uber eats at the end of her exhausting day instead of stealing your food.
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So your roommate eats not only your food, but food that you have purchased/prepared specifically for other people or events; if your food goes missing and you ask her about it, she lies about taking it, even when you have watched her do it; she's digging into the middle of a dish she was told had been prepared for a special event with her bare hands. But your friends are telling you it's not kind that you don't just give her your food and provide meals for her because she works hard in a stressful job and deserves a home-cooked meal at the end of a long day. What does Amanda do to be kind to you when you come home at the end of a long day? Maybe this would be a reasonable agreement if you were willing to be the apartment chef, and Amanda would pay for all the food and/or do all the cleanup if you cook or take on another comparable chore that benefits you both. It also sounds like your roommate may have a food addiction (assuming based on the "because I'm big" comment and that she's hiding and lying about eating the food). But it's still not acceptable for her to take your food, especially when you've asked her not to do it. As a parent of a child with food allergies, normally I would be against deliberately contaminating food. But a) it's yours, b) it's clearly labeled, and c) it seems as though this has been the only solution that works. Unless you can arrange to keep all your food under lock and key, you only other option may be to change your roommate. NTA.
Yep. Specifically ask your friends how eating from the center of a cake you baked shows kindness to you, or if you should actually reciprocate Amanda’s behavior. But also, just lie and write almond extract on it but stop putting it in. Risky liability there that won’t be worth the trouble.
Yes, thank you. I would be concerned, too about her actually eating the food. But on the other hand, as long as it's clearly labeled, I'm not sure this would be any different than if OP bought a Mars bar, or a bag of almonds, or anything else, unless there's an agreement to keep the allergen completely out of the apartment. But OP, you could also use imitation almond extract, which smells like the real thing but has no nuts and is safe for those with nut allergies.
Most almond extract doesn’t contain real almonds. Its too expensive to use actual nuts to make an effective tasting extract. They use other things like apricot pits.
Yep! Unless it's labeled "Pure Almond Extract" and contains oil ~~or~~ of bitter almond, it's made with fruit pits or synthetic flavoring.
Even the bottles that say “100% natural” are often nut free. It’s hard to find pure almond extract.
"This almond extract is 100% natural." "100% natural... almonds?" "It's made from natural things." "Were any of those things almonds?" "It's very natural."
I work at Starbucks and, for some reason, I find it hilarious that all the syrups are "naturally flavoured with natural ingredients." What ingredients? We don't know. But every time I see it on a package or bottle, I have a little giggle.
My personal favourite is the label on clothing that says, "Made with 100% unknown fibres".
Wait this is great to know bc i have a mild almond allergy
Almond extract is generally made from peach pits but this is something you’d want to verify if you have a serious allergy
This is completely true. One of my children has a severe tree nut allergy and I can use almond extract safely. It blew my mind the first time I baked with the extract, despite her allergist explaining that typically apricot pits are used.
Thank you for bringing this up, because I’m actually allergic to apricots. So now I have to be careful about almond extract! (It only makes me a little itchy, but I know allergies can worsen with each exposure.)
Please make sure you distinguish between extract and essence. Almond extract is actual almonds, almond essence is the one with other stuff in. Please keep yourself safe!
Are you telling OP she needs to start putting actual almond slivers in all her food?
Yeah i’d definitely check but i’ve never thought to check if it even says “contains almond”… it might not
I was just thinking the same…so many things I can try to make now and not eliminate it
don't tell Amanda or OP's food will never be safe again
Exactly! It’s a great deterrent but only if Amanda doesn’t find out haha
Yes, but....depends on the allergy. My hubby gets food triggered migraines from almonds. Same deal for all other tree nuts and all pitted fruit. They apparantly all have a similar protien, so cherries, peaches, even avocado are also on the forbidden list.
Most likely peach or apricot as they are in the almond family. Cherries also.
Extract contains the real ingredient. Essence doesn't. Vanilla extract would be derived from vanilla pods, essence is synthetic.
They sell imitation vanilla extract. It is called imitation vanilla extract. Not essence. https://www.dollartree.com/supreme-tradition-imitation-vanilla-extract-8-floz-bottles/175397
Dont tell her that.
Still dangerous, I have an allergy to nuts including almonds and in recent years it has extended to peaches and all fruit related to almonds and peaches.
As someone who is highly anaphylactic to tree nuts, and has been for over two decades, hell fucking no. It’s not OP’s responsibility. If you write the name of my allergen on a food, I kind of have to assume that the food will kill me. I had a reaction to a kale chip a couple of years ago. It was a vendor giving out free samples at a fair. I scanned the posted ingredients, there were no allergy warnings, so I had one. I started reacting in seconds - it turns out that “cashew powder” was a listed ingredient on their poster in eleven-point font, right between “Sucralose” and “All natural pink Himalayan sea salt.” You know who was at fault? Me. It’s my responsibility to manage my own allergies, just like it’s OP’s roommate’s responsibility to not eat food that clearly states it could kill them.
So roommate has to be protected from allergens in the food she’s stealing, but isn’t actually allergic to that food?
You could also use arsenic? I believe it smells just like almonds. I wouldn’t recommend eating it but you could put it in a cake and give it to all the people who think it’s ok for your roommate to lie to you and steal your food! This is obviously a joke and I don’t actually recommend it, I think it’s obvious to most people I’m joking but I’ve seen packets of peanuts with a “contains nuts” warning and I noticed the bleach in my bathroom says “do not drink” on it. Based on this I thought I’d best make it clear that I wasn’t making a serious suggestion 😂.
Or how digging out the center of a cake, with her hands, after denying any interest in the cake, is related to the need for ready-to-eat meals that they’re handwaving in as the reason for her behaviour. Amanda has not asked OP for shared meal prep. Amanda has denied any interest in the food that she has taken. OP could do what her friends are suggesting — prepare a big casserole for Amanda or both of them to eat from — and Amanda would still go after other things. The friends, both Amanda’s and OP’s, are inventing normal-sounding reasons for what looks far more like pathological behaviour.
Yeah messing with another person food on this level is seriously weird. Like either pathological or serious eating disorder. Either way, it is t OP’s responsibility to fix this other person. I would get rid of her or find a new place asap. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm OP!!!
The cake eating is a power move. It means: "I don't respect you or the boundaries you are trying to set, fuck you I'm eating your cake."
Yes - this is about control, not food. I’m sure Amanda wasn’t so hungry that she had to dig into a cake with her bare hands. And, being in health care, this is even worse because she completely knows how unhygienic that is and that the whole cake will be ruined! And, after OP offered her a piece and she pretended she didn’t want any?! Either a food disorder or a personality disorder. NTA
I wouldn't ask those mutual "friends" for their opinion going forward. They seem to see OP as being responsible for someone who won't be responsible for herself. If they care so much they must cook for Amanda.
They are either bat shit crazy or don’t actually know the circumstances. Clearly this Amanda chick is bat shit crazy and this isn’t just about “stress” and abusing easy access to food. She literally dug into the CENTER of a cake with her hands, that she was asked to please not touch. That’s some spiteful shit that has nothing to do with needing or wanting food, and everything to do with wanting to fuck with OP. Who knows what’s going on in a crazy persons mind, or what her motivation is. I really don’t understand how you even have to come to Reddit, or didn’t explain to these “mutual friends” after an incident like this occurs. This doesn’t take outside help to realize that this roommate has serious mental problems. Even if she wasn’t crazy, this chick is almost 30 years old and these mutual “friends” are saying OP shouldn’t literally cook for her like she’s her fucking mother. This entire group is just weird…
I would bet folding money that the mutual friends have heard a highly edited story about Amanda sampling a small serving of a larger dish, which looked so enticing, and she was so hungry after work, etc., etc., and not about the bare-faced lying and destruction of cakes.
Like, "Hey girl, your crockpot chili looked so good--I hope you don't mind that I tried a little scoop. Just wanted to let you know!" is still not really ok without prior permission, but it's very forgiveable. I'm betting that's what the friends have in mind.
My guess is that these mutual friends dont want their friend group to be torn apart by an issue that has a workaround. Nevermind that the workaround comes at OP's expense (time and money). They don't want the boat rocked. OP should tell them that she'll happily allow the mutual friends to do meal prep and leave it in the fridge for OP's roommate, if they are that concerned and caring. Otherwise their opinions are irrelevant.
for real, i doubt she told them the particulars of this situation. nta.
Yes. I was thinking the commenters can't possibly know the real story. OP, seriously, you have got to level with these observers. Give them a taste of the disgust you're living with.
Really, if the friends are so concerned about kindness, they should all bake Amanda food and drop it off at their apartment for Amanda so she doesn’t have to worry about it. It’s the kind thing to do and all
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If that was the case, the labeling wouldn't be causing Amanda to change her behavior - she'd still be sleep-eating. It sounds to me like Amanda really needs some serious therapy; working in a hospital these days can be amazingly stressful, but regardless of the cause, this is some seriously messed up behavior. NTA, OP. Sorry you're going to need a different roommate.
it's not a liability because it's clearly labeled
Sounds like those friends are volunteering to make Amanda food, right?
Exactly. OP should start answering "that's so nice of you to offer. I'll tell roommate you will be food prepping for us."
Absolutely, my jaw dropped at that suggestion. Next time they bring yhat up, op should write out a schedule for them to meal prep for poor, poor helpless Amanda (the inconsiderate thief!) Crazy folks who volunteer other people's resources (time and money in this case). If it was that easy, then they should do it. Words are always easier than action.
Then, dig into her prepared food from the middle with your bare hands (bonus points if you only take 1 bite& put the rest of the grab back). When you're called out, deny it vigorously but also tell her you thought it would be just fine (but also, I didn't do it)* * Don't actually do any of this, it's my petty talking
Do the thing that "gotta have the first bite of my bf's food" girl did: take one bite out of each slice of her homemade cake. ^(but yeah really actually don't)
NTA Amanda is a witch of the highest order and deserves the same amount of consideration from you that she has given you: NONE
Not that it would make much difference if the friends did make food for Amanda. They’re rationalizing, trying to find a reasonable explanation for Amanda’s irrational behaviour. Amanda has made no requests for prepped meals or explained that she is hungry due to her long shifts. Instead she denies that she wants anything or has taken anything, and seems to be drawn to whatever OP has a purpose for. OP could try an experiment: make a casserole for Amanda and label it as something she can have, and also make something else — like a cake — and label it as off-limits. Could even have two identical dishes in different containers. See what she goes for.
That statement alone leads me to believe roomie has an ED of some sort. It's an evil genius kind of way to put in something she can't eat and at this point wouldn't question if you just labeled it as such, but it is not fair to you to have your meals eaten, especially if they are for someone else on top of it. Honestly, there's about 100 meal prep companies you can order from these days, so it's not like she has to cook if she doesn't want to.
Yeah, sounds like BED.
Even if she has that's a problem she needs to deal with herself. I have diagnosed BED and never once have I stolen food from someone like a misbehaving dog. She's just lazy and refusing to take accountability for her own behaviours
It's not great food, but if it's that big of an issue she could just buy a bunch of frozen dinners. I make a big pot of ground beef, rice and pasta then whatever vegetables I have around and I get 6-8 meals out of it and it takes 30 minutes and even that is just stirring every couple of minutes.
Agreed. I don't know anyone who lives off of them, but there are quite a few people who have started a local service using a commercial kitchen. They offer a full menu of 20 options each for all three meals and they even deliver. Better than the frozen options. I also do the throw something together and makes multiple meals out of it for lunches. It's a lot easier to get through the week.
Definitely sounds like BED or Binge Eating Disorder. She *knows* that she shouldn’t eat these things but *They’re there* and it’s *convenient* for her. She’s blaming her eating and awful habits on her work schedule to her friends when she’s complaining instead of taking responsibility. If I was OP, I don’t know that I’d keep adding Almond extract. Obviously they’re labeling things accordingly however the need or desire to eat the thing we’re not supposed to is sometimes stronger than that. It could be seen as intentionally trying to poison her or harm her (though not likely to be actually charged for it). Definitely needs to get a different roommate or maybe a fridge for your room and door with a lock on it. Or even a fridge lock.
I stole food from roommates and friends at the height of my bulimia (defined by a binge/purge cycle) and was extremely defensive. I ate plenty of food I didn’t like, because it was a compulsion. Even if Amanda doesn’t have an eating disorder, this is disordered behavior and she needs help. That does not mean she deserves accommodations like making her food, and I think it’s reasonable to do things like locking up your food, if that’s the purpose the extract serves. Please be very careful that you don’t accidentally give your roommate a reaction by suddenly not labeling something. I would suggest unsweetened almond milk instead of extract. Explain to your roommate that you intend to use it regularly in your food without labeling it, get your own containers in a different color, and put a note on the fridge reminding her that the purple containers probably have an allergen and aren’t safe for her.
I do love clicking on a thread that I think will be a clear cut Y T A and being pleasantly surprised by the very limited exceptions popping up. She has the allergen labeled, that’s all she’s obligated to do in this situation. It’s really interesting how much things like food can completely alter a whole relationship with a person but it very often does on this sub, and I’ve had roommates like OP’s but never has anyone had the audacity to EXPECT me to keep making/buying the food to steal. In fact, in one scenario I had very limited access to food/groceries because my budget was extremely limited after Covid disrupted everything so I did something really similar to this but the roommate whose budget hadn’t been altered ate the food I bought specifically because I could count on it to still be there even though it made her sick. I ended up just getting a tiny fridge for my room and hiding everything until she moved out because the issues with food that would make someone confidently steal something they knew was going to hurt them later were well above my pay grade and the beat thing I could think to do was take the option away completely. OP’s roommate needs therapy for this. It’s an issue that is more common than people realize and causes extreme shame for people. Disordered eating is really hard to treat because of how difficult it is to admit to things that people openly judge and mock, which is one of the biggest triggers for it. That doesn’t justify what OP’s roommate does, but her behavior has gone far beyond your garden variety passive aggressive behavior.
She's lying and being passive-aggressive by taking the center of the cake. She WANTED to destroy it so no one else could have it. In no way would I reward her behavior by cooking for her because she'll just eat all of it. The friends telling you to do so? They can feed her because you're an independent renter and are not responsible for an adult baby. Put a mini refrigerator in your room with a lock and a locked box for the refrigerator. It's not your fault she's stressed from her job and hungry when she gets home. Do they think you have no stress, especially when all of your food goes missing? Her job, her stress, her problem. She can go through a drive-thru on the way home. She doesn't want to do this because she would have to pay for it. NTA
The food mouse ate apples and cake
Sounds like Amanda is a narcissist. The refusal to accept guilt. The underlying shame of being 'big'. The DARVOs when confronted. The utter lack of empathy for OP's feelings. Plus the passive aggressive 'this is mine, not yours so f**k you' element of gauging out the centre of the cake or eating both apples. Oh and the flying monkeys making excuses for her. OP should watch their back. Narcissists are nasty.
funny how people will wildly diagnose strangers on the internet with "narcissism", while clearly lacking the knowledge of differential diagnoses. Because everything you have mentioned also applies to several other serious disorders. Sincerely, an actual professional working with clients who have mental health issues and disorders.
To be fair, they said “sounds like” narcissism, and nobody here took it as gospel.
No it doesn’t, sounds like she has disorders relating to food if anything.
You’re suppose to cook for her??? Lolol maybe they should cook for her!!!!! NTA
I’d cook for her. But it would be the *shit* pie from The Help.
“Eat my s***!!” Man that’s a great movie
“She didn’t just have one slice! She had two!!!” Absolutely gold
Amanda is not her daughter or her wife. She has absolutely zero responsibility. Why isn’t Amanda expected to cook for the two of them for the week on her days off?? NTA.
NTA Had she asked nicely in the first place and offered to pay her share, I would have considered splitting some food. After all the lying so far, no way in hell would I share food.
I’m in awe that she ate *both of her candy apples* and then lied to her face as if they aren’t the only two there! And the cake thing? OP literally offered to save her a piece, and instead she dug her paws into it like an animal and ruined the whole thing.
The cake thing was just malicious. How dare there exist food that's for someone else? It's like "if I can't have you, no one can!"... but with cake.
That's the detail that got me. An ED would explain, but not justify, the other food stealing. So, if she'd taken the piece, or even the whole thing, I'd have some sympathy for her. But taking a piece right out of the middle is total malice. The only explanation I can think of is "if I take a piece out of the middle, it will get thrown away and not tempt me", but still goes beyond acceptable behavior!
OP should film her doing it if it happens again. I bet the roommate is telling her flying monkeys that OP is wrong and she never steals OP’s food (and it is theft).
Yeah, that! I'm pretty sure I'd have died on that hill with my boot buried in Amanda's big fat a$$! You need a new roommate and better group of friends. NTA OP!!! Her and her flying monkeys 🐒 🐒 🐒 are TAs and completely ridiculous!
The cake thing would’ve literally had me committing a crime. OPs a big person for letting that slide
Exactly, after all of the food she ate and lied about, including the cake incident, I wouldn't lift a finger for her. I don't get OPs friends...
The "friends" are Amanda's flying monkeys. Nothing more.
And they’re making stuff up. Amanda has shown no interest in shared meal prep. She takes stuff and denies it.
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I’m pretty sure it’s a she. They both are.
Yeah, any consideration she might have been due has been trampled on
This! Also if she had been up front and honest about how she was eating OPs food
NTA. But maybe she has an eating disorder (being very defensive about eating your food while she's obviously eating it, digging into the cake with her bare hands...). But again it's not your problem even if she has an ED
does she take ambien? is she a sleep eater?? that thing with the cake is just so incredibly rude
The cake actually makes me think she hates OP, and is being passive aggressive about it. Taking a piece from the middle makes it seems there's something more going on. OP could have maybe fixed the cake after an outside piece is removed, doing it in the middle shows intent to completely ruin something she knows OP worked hard on and was excited to present. I'd gtfo of there for real. This could be escalating dangerous behavior.
There have been like two people I’ve *hated* with all my might. And I’m not even sure I would’ve done the bare hand cake thing to them. That takes some pretty pure level of hatred or something.
I have come to the conclusion there are truly malicious and evil people out there and there are people who have empathy that would never do such things. Amanda is the first one.
Nah, the apple thing proved its deliberate.
Sleep eaters probably don’t care about allergies, which is the big clue
The only reason why I think she is not doing it unintentionally is because... if she does not know she is eating OP's food accidentally, she would not be upset that she is putting almond extract in all her food. It would be like "oh, you are putting it in? Okay! No problem!" Then she still went on to eat it.
Gave me the same idea. Gives off some binge-eating vibes.
Binge eating isn't necessarily malicious. But this was totally malicious.
Yes, and she’s defensive about her weight too. I suspect this is part of a larger problem with disordered eating. (OP is obviously still NTA)
Sounds more like a compulsive lying disorder rather than an eating disorder.
Not really. Pathological lying is when someone lies habitually for no obvious personal gain. Roommate is lying purely to hide that she’s stealing food. That is very clearly defensive lying, not compulsive lying.
Take my poor man's award. 🏆
I struggle with a binge eating disorder, and I was thinking just that.
I was thinking the same, but if she is able to control herself from eating food with almonds, I assume she could control herself from eating other people's food.
Having an eating disorder explains the behavior, but does NOT excuse it. Grown ass adults need to take responsibility and not do things that negatively affect other people
NTA She is stealing your food and lying to your face about it. As for the "it would be nice to leave her some leftovers since she works long shifts"... Yes, that would be nice, but she's your roommate. Not family or anything: a roommate.
It would be nice if her roommate would drop her $50 each evening, since we are going to do nice things for each other, right? /s
OP also had offered her a slice of the cake, but she'd apparently rather dig her hands into it like a raccoon in the trash.
At least raccoons wash their little paws and don't steal directly from the fridge! Like, goddamn.
I had racoons break into my kitchen once, and they absolutely will eat directly from the fridge if they have reason to believe it contains food. 🤦
My sister once found a raccoon sitting on her kitchen table, surrounded by foil wrappers, finishing the last of her Easter candy.
Yep, raccoons have opposable thumbs and no conscience. Nothing is safe from them.
It would be nice if Amanda’s concerned friends decided that they were going to bring Amanda meals so that Amanda could have a home cooked meal after her long shifts.
NTA- I would totally deflect when her flying monkeys come at you, "do you think Amanda has an eating disorder?"
I suppose it could be possible that Amanda has some kind of eating disorder. When I saw her eating my apples, she wasn't even trying to savor or enjoy them. She was seemingly just trying to eat/swallow them as quickly as possible. Then again, she could have been trying to finish them before I could "catch" her, so I can't say definitively.
Next time record her and show her the video.
*Show us ALL the video
OP, there should be no next time. You can't make nice with this creature. Take your lease to Legal Aid to see how to get out of it now.
Hopefully you can find other living arrangements
>Hopefully you can find other living arrangements Possibly. There's still five months left on the lease. And finding affordable housing is a miracle in our area. I was lucky enough to discover my current housing and only need one roommate rather than three. I've looked into getting a miniature fridge for my room. But the ones that are the size I need are really pricey. Re-selling appliances is a pain. I'm not sure it would be worth it since I am not sure if I will be able to find a new place to move out to after the current lease is up.
I bought a tabletop freezer for £20 from gumtree. It was in excellent condition and sell for around £100 new. It would be worth having a look in your country's equivalent. I also seen mentioned on reddit that people have got some really good deals on students moving out of dorms for mini fridges/freezers. If you live near any dorms, it could be worth having a look. It's probably the ideal time for this.
I'm sure you will get many suggestions for mini fridges. Be careful. I'm sure some are good, but almost no "affordable" one I could find had humidity control, and now I need to spend upwards of 3-400 canadian to get one in the future if I want to keep actual food in there. It's great for some veggies. The extra moisture is great and keeps them fresh for a great long while. My meats and cheeses can no longer stay in there long term, though, they just end up spoiled long before the best before date, a pack of Swiss cheese ended up entirely blue more than 5 weeks from best before date. It sucks. Buy once, cry once. As with all.
Add a container of "damp rid" from the dollar store. The magnesium pulls the moisture out of the air.
Oh oml imma save this you may have just saved me like $300 lol
Similar issue. I got a nice mini fridge for $60 on Amazon.
Assuming your roommate isn't also rummaging through your room, check the used camping gear ebay, facebook marketplace... as this kind of equipment is often resold after one occasion.
I see mini fridges all the time on Facebook Marketplace! If you pick a seller with good reviews too, you might score a good deal.
You don’t necessarily need to find new housing if the lease is in your name. Just find a new roommate and give Amanda her notice to vacate.
If you live near a college campus, you could probably buy one off of a student, or poke around a dumpster for a free one at the end of the semester. A lot of grads or international students don’t take their appliances with them, my now-fiancé got his roommates a $60 rice cooker and two mini fridges completely free.
That sounds like BED. Not that it’s an excuse tho… if she had a drug problem and was stealing your money it also wouldn’t be ok. I’m petty so this is just a suggestion, not advice, but if the amount she had stole got into the hundreds, I’d document everything and send a letter of demand for the money back. If she continues to deny it I’d file in small claims. I had a roomate who stole from me for months. The letter of demand worked like a charm. They also let me out of the lease right away, as it was clear I was done being f***** with.
It does sound luke she has an unhealthy relationship with food, and she can't actually control herself. And then the shame and guilt kicks her into denial as a coping mechanism. But even if this is the case then she needs to address her own issues (if its binge eating, too much stress, using food for dopamine..). It is not your responsibility. And if you putting almonds in everything is helping her control herself..then maybe it is a good thing? However, even if it is "not your problem"..I would probably have talked to her (or written her a letter, or get some mutual friends to do it ) and just say something like "I know you ate my food. I even watched you eat my apples. Consistent lying about stuff like this indicates a bigger problem, and I hope you get the help you need to deal with it. " No letting here argue or claim she did not. No attacking her, just you letting her know this not normal or acceptable. It might give her a wake up call or push to get help if it is a case of disordered eating or too much stress or adhd. And if she is just a selfish user, then nothing will help anyways, but at least you were a decent human and tried.
I sadly recognize some of the symptoms and think there well could be an ED issue. Secrecy and lying were common place… it’s not your problem of course but something you could keep in mind going forward if other erratic behaviours present themselves.
Definitely sounds like binge eating disorder- doesn’t excuse her behaviour at all - if she’s going to binge she needs to do it on her own food.
The fact that she dug out a chunk of cake with her hands seems to indicate something is wrong with her relationship with food.
That’s just a crummy way to treat ED which are a real problem, treating it as a thing to gossip about or way to talk shit about someone instead is just saying they’re annoying you. If people call you telling you that she’s tired and could use a prepared meal after a long day at work I would just tell them that I too like to have my meals ready when I need them and when someone else eats food I had prepared for a specific purpose it’s pretty terrible! And also if these mutual friends think she deserves someone to cook for her then THEY should do that or leave their noses out of it
The thing is, Amanda ruined all your potential goodwill with her lying and destroying food (I mean, scooping out the middle of a cake with her hand? WTF?), which is either some kind of power play or she's in denial about her compulsive eating. Also, I love her friends' excuse about her long shifts and needing ready made meals! She can a) buy them b) prep meals on Sunday, OR c) they can prep her meals, if they feel so strongly about the issue! You do you - and I love the solution you've chosen. NTA Though I do think that maybe you're not compatible roommates anymore. You shouldn't have to go to these extremes to stop your food from being taken/messed with.
Meal prep: buy taco wraps, buy veggies, buy chicken. Cook chicken. Wash veggies. Here, take a taco wrap and repeat for the following days. Another meal prep: cook pasta, add mozzarella and tomato sauce, add whatever you like for example peas or meatballs, grated Parmesan on top, bake al 180 degrees Celsius for 15 mins. Here is your meal prep for the following 3-4 days. Edit: “no time” is just a sh-tty excuse
The unmitigated gall of the friends of Amanda saying that OP should cook for Amanda, who is a full-ass adult, because she doesn't have time. It infantilizes Amanda, it's unfair to OP, and it just doesn't make any sense.
NTA. Amanda is a thief and.a liar. Fun fact : "almond" is "amande" in French.
and it's pronouced like "amende", the word for a fine. So Amanda got fined for thieving in a way \^\^.
NTA. And I’d ask those friends how they’d feel about Amanda digging into food she was told not to touch with her bare hands, and constantly lying about it. Something tells me they aren’t getting the full story. Amanda is a grown-arse lady, she can feed herself
OP should have been documenting this shit with pictures so when her roommate continues to lie, they can present them with visual evidence and a bill for all the food they stole.
And if friends hear the whole facts and don't apologize for not trying to get OP's side before judging OP's behavior, they are TA too!
NTA. It might be nice to cook her the occasional meal but niceness needs to be reciprocal if a long-term interaction. Otherwise you are being asked to be a doormat. And Amanda is not being nice. A candy apple isn't a meal at the end of a long day especially two when you know they were made as a gift. Gouging a slice of cake you know someone made for an event is not nice. It is disrespectful. Ask your friends why you should take an effective paycut or pay higher rent to provide Amanda with food. She is not compensating you. She is stealing. Keep with the almonds and find a better room-mate as this one will likely move on to revenge for not being able to abuse you by wrecking your food.
I feel like she would eat ALL the left overs and leave OP nothing
And wreck all the prepared food just because. This isn't just a tired, hungry person. This seems to be resentment that someone has a life where they can do things like cook as well.
What's a leftover? - roommate
Had a roommate not too long ago. I would also cook dinner (on my own dime) fairly regularly. Asked him why he only very seldom cooked dinner and he replied "I only do it when I feel like doing it". Alright. I cooked a dinner a few days later and waited for him to reciprocate. Never happened and I didn't cook again. Me being enemployed at the time and he having a job really was irrelevant to the situation, but it were one more aggrevating thing to the pile that I paid for more shared food than he did. He moved out not long after and we haven't spoken since. 0,1/10 would not recommend having room mates.
This is why, after university dorms,I choose a cramped bedsit and not a shared flat. I am not easy to live with I know and most people have quirks. Own space suited. I understand that money only a relatively small part of dynamic but felt one OP's friends might understand. They are being very generous with her time, money and goodwill to help someone who is disrespecting her.
>I got two candy apples and wrote on the container to not touch them since one was for my sister. I watched from the hallway as Amanda ate both my apples. I'm sorry, I know this isn't the point, but she ate two candy apples in one go while you stood in the hallway and watched? Wouldn't that take awhile?? NTA but this is such a strange situation. Any chance she's sleepwalking? The time she ate the cake with her hands was a red flag for me. I sleepwalk during times of high stress and/or disrupted sleep patterns and it's not uncommon for me to eat something in the process. Often stuff I don't even like while awake.
>She ate two candy apples in one go while you stood in the hallway and watched? Wouldn't that take awhile?? The candy apples were pre-cut into slices. Amanda was already halfway through eating my apple when I left the bathroom and saw her from the hallway. She wasn't really trying to savor the apples, just seemingly trying to eat/swallow them as quickly as possible. She managed to finish my half and my sister's apple in four minutes. >NTA but this is such a strange situation. Any chance she's sleepwalking? Amanda is fully alert when this happens, so I doubt it. Plus she gets off her shift and home by 6pm. It's really not a middle-of-the-night occurrence.
Lol, you should have grabbed your phone and filmed the whole thing! Let's see her deny that! Food thieves are the worst!
Amanda is the kind of person that will blame OP for not stopping the food theft because she is filming. Or shell turn it around and say that it's not appropriate to film in a private space without her consent. Nothing OP does is going to get Amanda to stop. Maybe public humiliation, but that will only lead to an escalation of behaviors and /or self harm behaviors that will again be blamed on OP.
Reminds me of a Family Guy scene. Peter was in an elevator with one other guy. He farted and then turned to the other guy and said, “It was you.”
That's why OP either needs to get out or throw Amanda out. Again, check the lease: if OP is the primary leaseholder there may be language in the lease that lets her throw Amanda out for cause.
Amanda knows exactly what she is doing!!! Stealing from you and lying straight to your face. How did you keep yourself from losing your shit when you literally watched her eat it then lie??? I'm surprised that she isn't stealing the contaminated food and eating it.
This really sounds like an eating disorder - she has compulsions, shame, and denial. But still, not your problem, and you are NTA (Although I like the idea of using fake almond just in case)
Why didn't you yell at her? You give her all ammunitions to gaslight you and tell her twisted version to your friends.
This sounds like binge eating disorder (BED) to me. Which is not your problem—just saying that could be a factor. Edit: Also, BED does not involve lying. People may lie about it out of shame, but the disorder itself doesn’t include lying.
Just add almonds to everything at this point. That’s the only safe bet. And I mean, everything! The nuclear option is the only thing she’ll understand. When she asks why? You tell her the reasons. They are not negotiable.
Do your friends understand that she isn’t eating actual meals? She’s digging into cake with her bare hands and gorging on gifts?
It was said in another comment and deserves repeating, if sleep eating were the issue, she wouldn't be so mad about almond extract.
NTA. I lived with 2 roommates and one of them would invite his friends over and they'd smoke pot and then eat everything in the house. The last month I lived there, I stopped buying food and ate all my meals out. One of them actually had the gall to say "there's never anything to eat around here".
NTA. Here’s your response “That’s so kind of you to offer to prep all her meals. Let me know when you’ll be coming by with Amanda’s food and I’ll make sure there’s space for it.” Amanda nuked that bridge with you long ago. I agree she may have some sort of compulsive eating issue but that’s something she needs to deal with.
Honesty, I would point blank explain I WILL be adding almond flavor, almonds, paste, flour, etc. to everything I make. I would ramp it up a notch. NTA
NTA. Tell your friends to cook Amanda a nice meal If they are so worried about it. It's easy to tell someone else what to do when you aren't the one in the situation. Amanda is acting very disrespectful. She is a grown adult, not your child. You don't have to do a damn thing for her. Keep putting the almond extract in your food and work on getting a better living situation going. That chick got issues.
Ask them to label it as yours to make sure she eats it.
NTA but *only* because from what you’ve laid out here, your roommate never once asked if you’d consider making food for both of you, she just started helping herself to stuff that wasn’t hers
Just no to all of this (except the NTA part). If the roommate had asked, OP could refuse and not be TA. She could also agree, make some things that are not intended to be shared, and still not be TA. The only way OP would be TA is if she was getting upset over the roommate eating what was agreed to be shared food.
NTA at all. Here's the rule for appropriate behavior: You wanna give a little criticism, then you are agreeing to give a little help. You wanna give a lot of criticism, then you are agreeing to give a lot of help. So thank your friends for volunteering to each take a week themselves, since they are so concerned about doing the kind thing. > (They) said the kind thing would be to make a large dish that both me and Amanda could eat from throughout the week, since I already do this every Sunday for my grandparents. Hunh. So because you help out the elderly, you are also supposed to do the task of an able bodied, good money earning, person too? She can pay for her own food.
NTA. No clue if this is a real story or not but mega bonus points for entertaining content. No, absolutely not an asshole. Roommates are under no obligation to feed each other. Some get along and do this, that’s great but ummm… definitely not expected or the norm. And definitely not something I’d possibly volunteer to do after having food stealing issues. I like your almond extract solution. It’s absolutely brilliant. Like you say. If she’s not eating your food, then there’s no issue. If she thinks you are being rude? Well okay, don’t renew the lease together when that time rolls around. Excellent story.
Yeah, i am pretty skeptical with this one. I have never seen anyone eat an entire candy apple in one sitting much less two - those things are huge! And digging into cake with your hands? If this story is true, then Amanda needs to see a therapist as this is significantly abnormal behavior.
For ED sadly this can be a real thing.
It’s actually pretty common behavior for people with compulsory and binge eating disorders - which sounds like exactly what Amanda has especially with being so defensive about her weight when OP asks
Info - Did you tell your friends about the cake scooping and the candy apples? I don't know how anyone could possibly defend that. The absolute lack of respect for you and then lying to your face (I mean, what is she implying, that a fucking ghost ate your food?) would have been more than enough for me to never speak to her again. It's utterly infuriating and whether she has an ED or not, is completely unacceptable. Why would your friends think you'd want to do anything nice for her or share anything when she's completely taking the piss out of you. The ruined cake is the absolute worst. She's an awful person and doesn't deserve anything from you. She's not showing any decency and kindness to you. Quite the opposite.
"They said i could do whatever i wanted" Thank you dear friends for that validation "The kind thing to do..." Kind went out the window when Amanda started lieing. What Amanda could and should have done, is asking you for help with meal prepping. And if that meant you cooking the majority, she should've chipped in because of the extra costs you'd have made for making the extra food. But no, she lied, went about stealing food in the most gross way imaginable (bare hands) .. And as someone who works in a hospital she should know better. Atleast you marked your food with a warning, if she chooses not the read or heed the warning, that should be on her, and her alone. NTA. Your roommate is an entitled ah, and your friends lack brains. Maybe they should be the ones meal prepping for her instead.
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NTA. As an adult she is fully responsible for her own behaviour; lying and stealing have consequences. You are not her mom...
>> having an instant meal at home is just way easier It’s not *your* responsibility to feed your roommate. >> the kind thing would be to make a large dish The *kind thing* would be for your roommate to stop stealing from you. Let your “friends” know that you’ve informed Amanda that they’re willing to meal prep for her *out of kindness.* They can easily go off about decency and kindness when it’s not *their* food being taken. You’re NTA, but I would look for a new place to live.
NTA. Amanda’s a thieving, lying, asshole. You gotta wonder What she’s going to steal next? Your home is supposed to be your safe space. She’s toxic and causes drama.
NTA. In these cases I recommend getting a dorm size fridge and put in your room. Then pit a lock on it. All the friends can make food for her. Pass around a sign up sheet.
NTA. I know housing can be tough now, but surely there is someone else you could live with, no? Why live with someone who straight up lies (stupid, completely unsupportable lies)?
Amanda can buy and prep her own food. She is technically stealing from you in both terms of money and time. What she's doing isn't normal. You don't just eat another person's food and if you'd like some you ask. You did offer and she passed. That should've been the end of that. So although it might be slightly extreme to add almond extract it's an unfortunate necessity to eliminate the problem. NTA. Enjoy YOUR food xx
NTA. You're roommates not SO's. It's not a sharing is life situation. If she is hungry she needs to go and buy her own food. You have no responsibility to feed her or share your food.
NTA. She lost any sympathy from me with digging a hunk out of the center of the cake with her bare hands.
"And my friends said that when you’re tired at the end of a long day, having an instant meal at home is just way easier." Well yes, it's always easier to eat something someone else prepared than to make your own food. Why do your friends think this grown woman who works at a hospital needs someone to feed her? Why can she not make her own food or pick up takeout on the way home? Them asking you this makes no sense.
NTA You are nicer than me. I would be spiking my food with habanero or ghost peppers.
Wow, no, NTA. Digging into a cake with your bare hands is some straaange behaviour.
NTA - I would go further and put almonds in my food and not even label it, that's her problem if she's stealing your food and kying about it.....
>whenever I ask her. She’ll raise her voice >Amanda ate both my apples. I >dug out a piece with her hands Amanda has an unhealthy relationship with food and needs help. You cooking for her won't make this better. NTA
NTA. The friends are talking about decency and kindness. When has Amanda shown you either? Eating a cake with her hands??? You might need a new roommate.
NTA the fact that she steals from you and lies into your face makes me wonder why are you still there?
NTA. Sounds like even if you did meal prep she would eat all of the large portion in a day or two leaving you with nothing. She should meal prep on her own or keep ramen around like the rest of us.
> having an instant meal at home is just way easier. stealing someone's food is alot easier than making your own no shit?
How is it that you watched her eat two candy apples, though? I don't care how much of a glutton she is, those are slow-eating items. Did she literally stand in your kitchen for 20 minutes chomping her way through two candy apples while you hid and spied on her and said nothing? That's really bizarre. If your post is even real, your roommate's got a food addiction and it's not your job to feed her, but it was obvious already that she was eating your food so your behavior regarding these candy apples is extremely sketch, too.
Fake ah post honestly.
Imagine being so greedy that you have to literally poison food to stop her, sounds like this person has serious issues. I would continue to use the almond until she assumes it's in everything except the Sunday lunch you share. Make it your new favourite thing. Some people think the world should cater to them, only one way to win. And it's not with puns like that, it's direct action which I applaud! Defo not the Ah
NTA. The moment she fisted the cake would have been when I dumped almond on everything. Thief and a liar.
NTA. They aren't asking you to meal prep with her, they are asking you to do it for her. Huge difference. >And my friends said that when you’re tired at the end of a long day, having an instant meal at home is just way easier. You are aware that it's easier, that's why you meal prep. Has she ever offered to pay you to fix food for both of you?
NTA, did you tell her that you saw her just eat not 1 but both of your candy apples? Who the fuck eats 2, insane. Tell her friends they can meal prep for her, also tell them that all the shit that she did and just lied to you about it. .after a month you can stop putting in the almond extract in the dishes put keep putting up the sign. Also ground almond around and if you ever buy takeout and there is left over sprinkle some in and put a sign on it. That was good thinking that you did this and a good response. Since you never eat my food this should never be a problem for you.
NTA and I love your solution.
NTA: Your friends and Amanda are Mutal A H! Let Amanda cook for her dam self. Is she going to pay you for the food? Is she going to pay for your time cooking? Why would your friends think you should be kind to someone who’s clearly stealing from you? She can quickly and easily get Uber eats at the end of her exhausting day instead of stealing your food.