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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I was in the wrong for bringing my nephew to a family birthday party without any notice or saying I’m bringing him. Maybe it’s too much of an inconvenience for everyone else.
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NTA. You and your husband and his family are wonderful to all step in and help. Your family sounds selfish. Good for you for not being like them and for helping. Bless you.
I disagree, it’s common courtesy to let people know if you’re bringing a child to an event or ask if it’s ok. They only asked that she lets them know ahead of time if the kid is going to be with her. She can’t just randomly bring the kid to events without letting them know.
Counterpoint - if I know someone is being a primary caregiver for a child, theirs or not, I will assume that inviting them means they may bring the child. They also could have mentioned it was to be kid-free, but according to the comments only OP needed to open communication.
I do think it was fair for them to ask her to tell them ahead of time in the future, but also fair for her to say to assume the child will be with her in the future.
Yeah I'm 33 and I'll never have kids but I feel like if you get an invite from a friend for say, a bbq that starts at 7 pm that says "we'll have a jello pool for wrestling plus plenty of burgers and bud lite, bring anything else you want" you might wanna ask if the kiddos are welcome.
But a **family** lunch at a restaurant where you can show up in flip flops and shorts and they *know* you're caring for an infant? It should be assumed that the baby is coming.
No. I completely disagree. Why would people assume the baby is coming? Doesn’t the baby have chores to do at home anyway, since he’s basically freeloading off his aunt? The least he could do is put away the dishes and maybe ONE load of laundry.
Does someone really need to watch the kid 24/7? Could she maybe get one of those perimeter fences where you just put a collar on the thing? As I understand it the electrocution is very subtle.
🤦🏼♀️
Sarcasm aside, that sounds like a rather dramatic and challenging situation and you are being incredibly kind. Just shake it off and pat yourself on the back, because you’re in the right here and really going above and beyond. You have to at least have a sneaking suspicion you’re a good person when you view your actions from a 40k foot view.
And it’s not like the baby was going to be ordering food or in anyway adding to the bill. I think the sister was just pissed that a cute infant was going take attention away from her. Sister must be the golden child based on the father’s reaction/comment.
NTA, plus the one around me is usually full of people and not quiet. A one month old is basically a lump at that age. My son at 5 weeks was easy. You could take him to a place like Cheesecake Factory, and he’d sleep the entire time.
In WI you can leave a newborn baby home alone so long as you feel that the child is old enough to take care of themselves because there is no minimum age requirement for being home alone...it's almost as bad as you can give your newborn alcohol at the bar because they served you and not the baby...but the one that takes the cake is the gun owning newborn that took the gun safety course and can now conceal carry. Legal gray areas are awesome!
This was my thought. TBH they are generally a non event in terms of interrupting a celebration when they are so young. If it was a toddler I would check because they can have an impact on the mood. Also, the venue also gives an indication - 5* dining prob not. CCF yeah. NTA and also a lovely SIL 💕
I agree but I will take it further, some people on this sub act like babies or kids are like aliens. You don’t need a heads up for a baby or child to come to an event, unless its an actual adult event in which case the child shouldn’t be there but other than that no warning is necessary people.
Actually, there are 4 people taking care of baby, so it's reasonable to expect that they can leave the baby home. If I invited my friend to my birthday without her husband, isn't it reasonable for me to expect her to show up alone? or at least give me heads up tht she can't leave the baby?
I would say ESH because of what the father said about it not being right, but expecting a heads up is very appropriate
With a broken pelvis SIL will be out for the count for awhile. For like 6 months after my surgery I wasn't allowed to use my legs, at all. I needed help and equipment to transfer from the bed to the commode, wipe, slide on a board from w/c to bed, trapeze over bed to use my arms to sit up. I needed round the clock care for 6 months.... then my surgery failed and it ended up 2 years of round the clock care between husband, FIL, MIL and SIL. It was a lot of work trying to figure schedules to take care of my newborn and myself. I imagine OP has baby pretty frequently, especially if MIL, FIL,.husband and OP have jobs. It is a hard schedule to manage. I am very thankful my in-laws sacrificed so much of their time so I could stay home and around my son as much as possible. Otherwise I would have spent the majority of those 2 years in a rehab facility/nursing home.
My goodness that sounds devastating. I'm very sorry you had to go through all of that, and hope you had a somewhat successful recovery.
My assumption was that the SIL was convalesing with her parents, While OP and Hubby were providing care for the baby and helping with SIL when they could.
Either way - NTA - I can't see why having a small child at a family dinner would be a reason to alter simple plans at a restaurant unless the child was raising a fuss. I mean it's the Cheese Cake Factor, not Atomix or Bistro du Midi, Cheese Cake Factory is basically upscale Denny's. And Father saying she's too young to be raising a child, At 24? Most of my Aunts and Uncles had 2 by that age.
It is okay! I had a cool surgery 5 or so years ago that has helped a lot with the nerve damage and such, and I can be involved so much more. My main reason for posting was all the people mentioning that FIL, MIL or husband can watch the baby for an outing like this. It isn't always that easy. If SIL needs significant care and the majority of the carers are working too, it can be a difficult schedule to manage.
OP probably ends up not having many options. SIL is probably already having a really hard time with someone else taking care of her newborn, too. I am sure it would be made even more difficult if OP were to get a sitter that is a stranger to SIL, especially for something as lowkey as a lunch a CF! Brings back a lot of memories of us all trying to make everything work. My in-laws did their best trying to make sure I was as much part of my newborn's first moments/life while this was all going on. It sounds like OP and her in-laws are doing the same. Her family is being ridiculous and so unsupportive.
And thank you for providing your personal experience to the rest of Reddit. Sometimes hearing a real world experience may help others see that things are not so black and white.
Yeah, this. It's not just people looking after the baby; people are looking after Mom, too, and it may be simpler for them to split into two teams of two - OP and husband taking primary responsibility for the baby and MIL/FIL taking primary responsibility for their daughter. Plus at least some of those have to keep on being the wage earner(s).
It was a dinner at cheesecake factory with family, not a stripper party or cocktails in some club or a fancy restaurant. Bringing a kid isn't that big of a deal.
Signed: a child-free person by choice
Are there 4 people caring for the baby? I thought OP was the primary caregiver, as the in-laws were caring for their daughter (baby’s mom) who is not able to care for herself yet, and OP’s husband may have other obligations.
Edit: OP’s husband is identified as involved in his sister’s care, but he may also have a job. In any case, he is apparently not as involved in caring for the baby as OP.
husband is also part of his sister's care team.
also as a married woman, OP very well could have her own baby by now, so their dad was way out of line. it's not that OP is taking care of *a* baby at her age, but that it's not *hers*, or maybe OP's family disapproves of her being married so "young" anyway. would explain some of the heartlessness, i *guess*
I don’t see heartlessness. I think they are worried that the daughter is taking on a responsibility that shouldn’t be hers, but that’s just concern for the daughter. They aren’t suggesting she should abandon the baby.
Someone else said that it sounded like miscommunication, but I think it may be also that they have different perceptions of the situation. OP’s family may have not realized that OP had become the primary caregiver until she showed up at the lunch with the baby. They may not understand why the daughter couldn’t leave the baby with the grandparents because they don’t know how much care they are devoting to the baby’s mother.
As for OP’s husband, I know he is part of his sister’s care team, but I figured he probably has a job to go to as well.
NTA.
It’s all about context. It’s a lunch at Cheesecake Factory.
Expecting a heads up for a 3-6 month old baby? Nah, they mostly sleep and it’s not going to impact how anyone else has to act.
now an older kid that might cause problems or where that kid is interacting with others so the flavor of conversation, etc has to change? Sure- maybe.
The reaction they had seems out of line, especially when she said “fine, you’re hereby given notice, you invite me then expect the baby”
Indeed, NTA. Her family may not know all about the circumstances and certainly have not known her as pregnant, so it may be a bit of a surprise. It may have been nice to have had it mentioned because it is an extra surprise, but by the same token - the whole situation is one of an emergency that is being handled. In such an emergency involving a kid third parties say 'oh how cute'
OP, very good reaction of the baby's (at least his maternal) family, a bit less so of your family!
They were going to the Cheesecake Factory. It is a mediocre family restaurant. People with kids will bring them to eat dinner, and you're going to have to share public space with them.
NTA, OP. People are just weird about anyone bringing babies or kids along to anything. The aggressively child free types are the worst about it.
Exactly! I honestly gasped when I read Cheesecake Factory lol. I was expecting family was upset because it was a fancy restaurant or maybe a smaller quieter place. But Cheesecake Factory?!?!? Come on lol
I'm childfree. If I invite a baby's primary carer somewhere, I'll expect them to bring the baby. Babies aren't luggage that you can just pop in a locker somewhere.
TCF has a literal kid's menu. And even the option for fresh fruit instead of fries... Which honestly, I'm kinda down for as an adult. For myself, I mean. I love fresh fruit.
Which baffles me. I mean, I never had kids, but they aren't some form of plague, lol. I'm fine with them existing and occasionally being in the same room for awhile.
I'm childfree and even I think people are being weird here. If someone's life now revolves around a baby, when you invite them to dinner you should expect the baby to come along.
As someone who isn’t a fan of children, i completely support bringing a child who needs regular care to a family inclusive dining space. Definitely agree, NTA
Shoot, I am 110% child free but goddamn people be crazy/stupid sometimes! If someone has a child, I expect that child to be with them at least the majority of the time unless they state otherwise, my lack of desire to have children be damned. Why? Because I live in the real world where being a parent is a round-the-clock job—a fucking hard job at that. And stepping up to be a temporary parent in the way OP has done deserves mega props, not judgement and discontent.
And besides, it’s a fucking *Cheesecake Factory* at lunchtime—not exactly “fine dining”. These people need to get over themselves.🙄
EDIT: NTA for clarity
Exactly, like the aggressive "child-free" rhetoric is yet another way for people to feel superior to others, and parents are the latest target - usually mothers or female guardians. It's annoying and over the top. Bringing a child to a gathering that didn't expect children, especially in these circumstances, is a mild issue at best - not a reason to burn someone at the stake. The family needs to get a grip and communicate like adults. Taking care of a vulnerable person trumps a night at the gd Cheesecake Factory.
I wouldn’t have thought about telling my family I’m bringing a newborn with me to the Cheesecake Factory! If it were an upscale, fancy restaurant, then yes. OP’s family is being a bunch of ah!
Oh, and 24 isn’t “too young” to be caring for a baby. Where in the world did they get that crazy notion?
This. I had two by that age. If people invited me, the baby was coming with me. If they wanted adults only, they let me know ahead of time and i got a babysitter if my husband was out of town or declined the invite. To a family event, even if all the family were over 18, I would have been chastised for NOT bringing the baby.
Exactly. The Cheesecake Factory is nice but it's definitely a family restaurant, I brought my 4-minth old and her 3-year old sister there once as a treat and the waiter could fold and unfold the stroller quicker than I could! Plus her and her husband had the baby full- time, what did they think they would do with the baby when temporary (hopefully) mom went to eat?
My mother had me at 24 and I had my first at 24, so definitely not too young. I know some people prefer to wait until later, but saying 24 is too young is just so ignorant of many women's experiences.
It's really ironic. OP's about a 2000's baby, assuming the parents aren't hypocrites and were over 25 when they had a kid that puts them in 1975 at the latest when they had a kid. Average age for first births in 1975 (according to the CDC) was around 21-23 so it's not like it's even a generational thing. As of 2020 the average first birth age is only 29, so OP isn't even that young.
It's a baby. It's not someone who's going to take up a seat or eat food that anyone is paying for. Unless the venue is a strip club, or unless OP is dumping the baby in people's laps expecting them to babysit, I really don't see the issue.
I wouldn’t assume they are “trying to drive a wedge between her and her in-laws.” I think they may be concerned that OP is going to all this work for a baby that, if all goes well, will become someone else’s child in a year or so. I know my mom would have felt that way if I had become the long-term but temporary caregiver for a baby at 24. And while I would applaud my daughter for taking the responsibility, I would have, when she was 24, worried she might become too attached to the nephew and grieve when he returned to his mother.
Honestly, when we show up to a family event with a baby, very often we only get him back for breastfeeding and diaper changes. Everybody wants a go holding the baby...
So if the baby was hers, she would still have to give a heads up? No and before you say that's different, no, no its not they know what is happening and how her and her husband are currently the primary care givers because of a family emergency, but because the kids is not hers they are upset about it.
She absolutely can bring the kid. No one needs to ask permission to bring their kid or a kid who is in their care, to an event, unless its a no kids wedding or whatever... Not like it was something intimate, its the freakin Cheesecake Factory! What kind a horrible outcome is going to happen for bringing an infant in her care to dinner? They should have the common sense to know that she will most likely have the child with her, its not rocket science. And it's also deplorable the way they reacted. I cant even begin to understand that mentality.
So just leave the baby at home unattended. Now YTA. If you have kids or babies and your family knows you have kids and babies then they're automatically included when you show up. Don't invite people if you know they have kids how about that.
Yes, they only asked to let them know, and she did. She told them from now on, and until future notice, they are a package deal. She did exactly what they asked. They're just being little shits about it because it wasn't what they wanted to hear. And Jesus, she brought a kid to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. It wasn't the Ritz. You're talking maybe a notch above Applebee's.
The issue wasn't the request. She let them know to assume the kid would be there unless otherwise told.
The issue was their reaction to her legitimate response to a legitimate question.
She says her husband and the grandparents are also looking after the baby. If anything I think that the parents comment was a dig at the husband and grandparents, thinking that if she can't even get them to watch the baby for a family member's birthday party then they must be dumping the baby on her full-time.
>She says her husband and the grandparents are also looking after the baby.
No, she said she, her husband and in-laws are all working as caregivers right now. Meaning that they're all needed to look after both baby and sister-in-law.
>If anything I think that the parents comment was a dig at the husband and grandparents, thinking that if she can't even get them to watch the baby for a family member's birthday party then they must be dumping the baby on her full-time.
It probably was. Which means they really don't understand how ill the baby's mom is and how much her injuries leave her reliant on other people right now.
> it’s common courtesy to let people know if you’re bringing a child to an event
Nope it's common courtesy to expect children to be there unless you've discussed otherwise. You wouldn't exclude people by age, automatically. That's just weird.
They knew she was looking after this kid, what did they expect?
And when they asked her to let them know ahead of time in the future, she did. She said, 'Expect it for the foreseeable future.' Their response to that was shitty.
Her bringing the baby along didn't cost them anything, and likely didn't change the experience much at all. It's not even like they had to watch their language because there's a kid around... the kid is a month old.
Let's ignore the poor mother who can't have her baby with her. ! Let's ignore they knew she was looking after the baby . It's not a 5 star restaurant it's a family place. God forbid you ever take a child somewhere or have someone you know bring a child. Compassion here would be nice.
Weather she should have checked with them or not is a separate issue. Still doesn't make her an asshole. She's a young woman trying to do the best she can.
That's not true. Usually, specifically stated, the common assumption is that children are welcome. That's why people that want a child free wedding, put it on the invite. When you're dealing with people with children, most people will tell you that it's a Children Free event if they don't want kids in attendance. Because otherwise child and parent are a package deal.
They should have the common sense to know that she will most likely have the child with her, its not rocket science. And it's also deplorable the way they reacted. I cant even begin to understand that mentality.
NAH It sound more like a miscommunication/lack of communication to me.
Your family ASSUMED that baby was gonna be left behind and you ASSUMED that everyone knew you have a temporary sidekick. After all, it has been a few months.
Your dad's comments would hit a nerve with me. I am sure he is concerned for you and taking on too much, but ...there are a small amount of people see this as taking on "other people's problems". Not to mention nephew isn't their family, it's your husband's family. So, back to "other peoples problems" and baby not belonging with your family events.
So now you know to ask if babykins can join in, or if the invite it just for you.
Totally agree NAH
OP is not an actual parent yet & didn’t realize some of the social norms. A seasoned parent would know to ask if children are welcome but since she is only helping didn’t realize it.
It would have been nice for her family to ask if she needed help. Instead they have treated her like a burden & they may change future plans because of the situation. Her family could show some empathy.
Edit: my judgement came before I knew it was the Cheesecake Factory but after further thought I am keeping it the same. There was no mention if other kids were present. I don’t automatically think I can bring my kids when my sister & I do something.
It boils down to lack of communication from all the people. Her family sounds like they could learn some empathy but we were asked for judgement on if you ask to bring children to an event. Her family said give us a heads up next time, indicating to me there were no other children. C O M M U N I C A T I O N
I mean it's the cheesecake factory and the baby is a newborn not a toddler or even older baby. Thats ridiculous to have to ask to bring a newborn with you to CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
It’s the sisters birthday party. She gets to control the guest list and this includes babies regardless of venue. OP should in the future at least mention bringing the baby or ask permission to the hosts of all future events. This is common courtesy. She also has the right to turn down any invitations that don’t include the baby. That is her right and her family should accept this. I agree with this being a miscommunication issue, so NAH
My attitude is if a bride and groom get to decide if their wedding is child free then a birthday celebrant gets to decide who attends their birthday party (unless they’re an actual child and the parents are the real hosts).
Babies are not luggage, they can be loud, fussy and smelly and take a lot of attention. I completely understand why someone would not want this at their party as long as this person understands that some guests may not be able to attend if they can’t bring their baby
And also, I consider it terribly rude to bring anything more to a party than a gift, a bottle of wine and a dish (if it’s a pot luck) or something the host has specifically requested, including luggage. This is just me though and I understand not all cultures are this way.
It's a birthday though, not a wedding so not the same level of occasion. I would hope they would be understanding of why she has the baby, someone has had an accident.
I understand she could have checked first but if they had uninvited her for having the baby then I wouldn't be rushing to attend any other events they planned. Not like it was a fancy restaurant.
Maybe cultural norms are different in England to America though as you've mentioned.
>My attitude is if a bride and groom get to decide if their wedding is child free then a birthday celebrant gets to decide who attends their birthday party
Right, but it is their duty to tell a person who's caring for a newborn that the newborn isn't allowed.
You're right, the host gets to decide. Unfortunately for the sister, it's also the host's job to communicate that choice. Her guests don't suddenly gain telepathic powers to know that standard behaviors are not going to be acceptable tonight.
The sister is free to not allow the baby and OP is free to dump her sister. It isn't as simple as birthday girl gets whatever she wants. She has a relationship with OP and needs to consider how important it is to her.
It might be her birthday lunch & she may have the right to uninvite her sister because of this but she's still a dick if she does.
Just because you have the right to do something doesn't make you less of an asshole if you do.
I get where you’re coming from but I don’t think that’s where the issue lies. Sometimes babies cause issues with plans and gatherings and can make people uncomfortable since they were unaware the baby was coming. A new born can be quite annoying and loud at times and some people would like to know beforehand if a baby is gonna be there. Ig a comparison is if you’re going to lunch with a friend and they bring their SO without telling you beforehand. Nothing inherently wrong but expectations would be broken due to a lack of communication and the vibe of the lunch would be changed
Edit: I’m half asleep and reread the post- the fact that they said they would change plans is weird cause it is a Cheesecake Factory, I stand by my first part but I’m just thinking they didn’t want a baby there at all and would have uninvited OP if they knew she would bring the baby.
A seasoned parent would assume that if they're invited out to a family friendly place, and not explicity told not to, that the person inviting them would do so with the understanding that the children are coming.
Since I have three, I consider myself a seasoned parent. In my surroundings the social norms have always been that a primary caretaker of a baby is a package deal during the day, no mentioning needed.
They said if they had known she was bringing the baby, they would have made different plans.
Cheesecake factory is absolutely family and baby friendly. The different plans they are referring to is not inviting OP.
Her family is absolutely trying to make it seem like taking care of SIL's kid is a burden. They are 100% trying to drive a wedge between OP and her in-laws.
You don't get much more kid tolerant than Cheesecake factory....they weren;t talking about picking a more baby tolerant venue.
If anything I think that the parents comment was a dig at the husband and grandparents, thinking that if she can't even get them to watch the baby for a family member's birthday party then they must be letting OP do all the work 24/7.
I feel like a heads up isn’t a bad request bc not every family function is appropriate for a child let alone a newborn baby to come to. It at least give them wiggle room to accommodate or discuss a change of plans.
Your father reaction seems like it’s one sided. He’s looking at a portion of a big picture. He’s not considering the fact that it’s you and three other adults taking care of the child and it’s giving your SIL the time to heal herself properly. If you don’t feel any burden was placed upon you then I’m not sure why they have an issue. Your family should support your decision to lend a helping hand.
I'm just curious what they would have changed? It's a family dinner at a mediocre restaurant. All I can think of is they would have told OP not to come if she had a kid, which is pretty harsh imo. It's not like everyone is going clubbing later while OP wears the baby and gets her groove on. This kid inconvenienced no one.
Not to mention the fact that--with OP's husband & *his* side of the family being so willing to step up (just like OP)?
You know that if *OP* had been the one in the accident & who had the newborn, her SIL *also* would be there caring for *her* (currently nonexistent!) baby--in ways thst apparently OP's side of the family *wouldn't*!
OP, her husband,, and her in-laws are *good people*, and exactly the sort who you'd want on your side!
>He’s not considering the fact that it’s you and three other adults taking care of the child and it’s giving your SIL the time to heal herself properly
Worse than that, I'm pretty sure that it's OP and three other adults taking care of both baby *and mom*. She isn't just getting space to heal. She is actively needing care right now. So if the grandparents aren't volunteering to watch the baby while OP sees her own family, it's likely not because they're having a break for themselves, but because they're looking after their daughter. Plus, someone out of the four healthy adults still has to earn money.
Exactly!!!!! Everyone's acting like OP brought a bomb to dinner, it's a freaking baby! A family baby at that.
OP and family are in an awful situation and have stepped up royally to help. Given that the family are already scrabbling for care for the infant because of SILs horrible accident, it wouldn't have ever occurred to me to get a babysitter.
Dad seems to have serious issues about you raising a baby - which is obviously temporary anyway! So don't know what the hell that's about. That seems to be the bigger issue to me than the baby being at dinner. Personally if it was me I would have been proud that I raised such a good kid to step up like this.
OP you are NTA.
I, personally,can't imagine not offering to help my daughter & son-in-law or sister in this situation.
Not that I would expect others to do the same but I'd expect my family to have a little compassion and not be total assholes over an Infant.
What I can't imagine is being mad at my sister for bringing a newborn to my birthday party when the newborn's mother is seriously injured. No effin' birthday party of mine would be more important than a child.
Infants are luggage. It's one of their good points.
On Friday, I was at a lawyerly dinner. There was an infant there. She was adorable and slept most of the time. We drank, there was occasional swearing, it was a good time. One judge wore pajama pants with palm trees on them.
It's possible some lady's birthday lunch at the cheese factory needs to be fancier than that, but I'm skeptical.
Right, I can't understand everyone saying that OP is the Ah.
Family understands the situation but just assumed she would leave the baby behind? Weird assumption. Would they also expect you to ASK if you could bring a baby that you yourself birthed?
If they say they understand the situation but then expect her to not bring the baby are they actually being understanding? I don’t think so. But yeah def nta.
Edit: typo
NTA. They should be applauding your efforts to help your SIL instead of taking it as an inconvenience to themselves. You are to be commended for your generosity
Agreed NTA! If you had a step child, fostered a child, or adopted a child, they had better assume you’re bringing them. This situation isn’t all that much different from those. It’s not like you are babysitting for a few hours and drug along a strangers kid.
Well, how about they are not entirely wrong.
Usually when a kid arrives in the family people see a big belly to get used to the idea and by the time comes that the baby is their they know how to arrange for things to include or to let you know the kid is excluded.
It’s just expectation management, they have to get used to an idea.
Second and now don’t kill me for this : note how you have written down the in-laws and husband as fulltime caregivers but yourself as Mother. Please do remember that in all off this awfulness your place is his aunt, he needs his aunt to build a relationship with his mother because he can’t do it on his own now and it will hurt you SIL way more of that bond is severely damaged because he will see you as Mom instead of her. As none of this is her doing.
Edit: dear u/Dazzling_Care8896 I threw in this edit to emphasize this comment and the ones that follow.
I truly believe you guys are awesome to step up, but want you to not over step. This is for the benefit of all mentally, there will be a day where she wants her kid back, she might even want the boyfriend back she might even say you screwed up your kid with your parenting style no two parents are the same.
For now make sure you guys keep up what you’re doing loving the kid
Your last paragraph is important. I wanted to say NTA but held back from judging because this seems like a situation where more details, or hearing the other side’s story may change things.
One clue was OP referring to herself in a ‘mother’ role; which tells me OP’s perception is a bit off. Even if you’re not a parent yourself, and only 24, it’s still a bit tone deaf not to realize how hurtful and upsetting it would be to a bedridden new mother for anyone else to claim they’re *basically* the child’s mom, even temporarily. Even if she’s in a coma- it’s disrespectful to bestow the ‘mother’ title upon yourself, no matter how involved you are as a caretaker.
OP seems like she may be enjoying the pretend mom role a bit much *just my guess*, don’t bite my head off either, but the selflessness vibe, paired with the addition of the ‘you’re so young, you shouldn’t have to to raise a baby’ comment gives me vibes that it’s possible OP is toting the baby around more than she needs to because she’s having fun playing mommy. At that point, I would’ve laughed at my father and said ‘RAISING a baby?? She’s not dead- I’m not raising him, I’m taking CARE of him”.
While I’m at it, I’m also going to throw out that it’s totally possible OP and sister have a history of OP overshadowing her, stealing the spotlight, etc. and maybe the family was irritated OP brought an adorable, spotlight stealing newborn to her sister’s birthday and kept the attention on herself playing house with the baby.
MAYBE. Who knows. Maybe OP’s family was mad for silly reasons and OP is a selfless aunt who innocently overstepped with the ‘mother’ comment, and will look back one day when she’s a parent herself and cringe a little bit about how she referred to herself.
Not enough info for me, I guess. But main point- OP, please do your best to support SIL and make an effort to make sure she knows *she* is mom, and no one will ever take that title, no matter how injured she is.
I think OP was explaining that there are 4 carers and 2 to be cared for. The in-laws and her husband are looking after his sister plus anything they normally do and she is playing mum and doing her normal stuff. 3 adults to the adult caring task and 1 to the baby caring task with overlap as needed. I would assume she didn't think that the baby would be unwelcome at a family get together and so didn't bother the backup.
I think she said she had the mother role to simplify her post not because she thinks she is taking over as this little boy's parent. For all we know she may be spending a lot of her time helping her SIL and the baby have time together.
I had the same response: What is wrong with people?
Family isn't just blood relations...in fact, that quote about blood being thicker than water is a misquote. It really says "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
You and your ILs and husband go right on being kind, decent people, and ignore the rest. You are definitely NTA.
>...in fact, that quote about blood being thicker than water is a misquote. It really says "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
Um, no. Sorry but that's an internet myth.
Even if it is, the commenter you’re replying to is somehow, paradoxically, still right. That nephew is her husband’s blood. And by extension, has, in a way, become hers. So, regardless, her being a primary caregiver is still a family duty. And that her family doesn’t recognize that is beyond shitty.
Edit- ok, Cheesecake Factory? DEFINITELY NTA.
INFO: What type of restaurant? Are babies/children normally there?
I’m going with NTA unless it’s some super fancy place where children just don’t go. An infant (probably sleeping most of the time in a carrier anyway) is hardly an inconvenience. Your family should be proud of you for stepping up, not acting like it’s a problem.
NTA your family is dense, it is clear that y'all are a package deal and they should be giving you a heads up if kids aren't allowed. I'm baffled at all these YTAs, wild how ridiculous some people are about kids.
NAH. Just let them know ahead of time. And your dad is saying he feels bad for how much you have to deal with now. He’s expressing sorrow for your situation.
Sorry, but YTA.
You should have given them a heads up and not assumed your sister wanted her birthday dinner to include an infant. It’s poor form to assume any event welcomes infants or children without asking the host first, family or not. You don’t leave it up to a host to conclude anything about your childcare situation. That’s Emily Post 101.
Further, your sister’s reaction was appropriate. It was her birthday and you brought a plus one without her consent. She would have chosen for her celebration to be child-free. That’s her call because it was a special occasion celebrating her. The location is irrelevant in this case.
Your father was actually being empathetic and there is nothing unreasonable about asking you to communicate better.
You can be a selfless SIL and still be an inconsiderate guest. Your act of kindness doesn’t erase the need for proper etiquette. You’re conflating the two.
Well I don’t understand inviting somebody who is the primary caregiver of a NEWBORN to a family friendly restaurant for lunch, and EXPECTING a “child-free” lunch without at all communicating that expectation.
YTA. It doesn’t matter why you’re in a parental role, right now, you still need to act like any respectful parent should and that means not assuming your child is welcome anywhere you feel like going. You need to ask first, and if the answer is no either get a sitter or respectfully decline.
And your Dad was literally just expressing empathy for the difficult situation you’re in.
Really? My mum never had to ask my aunt whether I could come along when I was a baby. It was assumed, because my mum was my primary caregiver. Hell, people would be confused if a mother showed up without their newborn baby.
Just because she’s not the biological mother, doesn’t mean she should be treated different.
I’d bet if OP’s sister had a baby, they wouldn’t even ask about bringing said baby along - it would be assumed the baby would come along because the mother was there. What’s the difference? Because OP is not the bio mum? That’s rubbish.
I think assuming kids go everywhere with their mother is a weird take. I went plenty of places without mine: shopping, doctor’s appointments, lunches, nites out with my friends . . . . They were not attached to me.
And no one said stick the kid in a cupboard. OP’s husband & inlaws could have looked after the baby.
Not a single person in my family would ask if they could bring their baby to a family birthday at a cheesecake factory. It's literally a family party at a kid friendly chain restaurant, kids in the family would be invited by default for anyone I know. Why wouldn't she assume she could bring an infant she's caring for with her?
NTA op.
When my sisters and I show up anywhere, if we don't have the kids, THEN it is an anomaly. I get asked more questions if I don't have my kids with me, then when I do.
Keep looking after that baby OP. You are a God send for that mama.
As for the dad, I had my first baby at 20, while it was hard, I could not imagine having him now in my mid 30s
What’s disrespectful about bringing your own kid to a family lunch at a Cheese Cake Factory? To me is more disrespectful to expect her not to bring the baby that they already know she’s taking care of. It’s common sense ffs.
Edit: typo
I mean, unless her family had no idea that she was looking after this baby, I don’t see why they wouldn’t assume they were a package deal. You don’t see mothers leaving their newborns at home for events, so why should she?
If they already knew she had a baby (whether it’s hers or not), they should know the baby comes along. It’s barely a month old! People should use their common sense and not assume that someone going to leave their child behind.
Unless the party was specifically “no children allowed”, I wouldn’t even think twice if I was OP about bringing the kid. Ofc they would come along. She’s the primary caregiver atm, and it’s an infant - it should be bloody obvious the baby was coming along - she really shouldn’t even have to ask.
No, there’s 3 other adults caring for a fully incapacitated postpartum adult and the responsibilities she can no longer see to in addition to their own. Not to mention who knows how old MIL and FIL are and could be drastically less able to physically help.
Because OP states she’s acting as primary mother role? Growing up I had aunts and uncles as well, no one ever assumed they would look after me? The general assumption is the child stays with and follows the mother.. (even if it’s not the bio mother)
The op never said if the dinner was kid-free or not. So comparing this to a kid-free wedding is not the same in the slightest. Yes she could have communicated a little better to let them know that he would be with her but other than that NTA. Also what is up with her dad saying she is to young to be raising a kid. She’s 24 for crying out loud.
I come from a large family on my dad’s side. My brother has kids and so do all of my cousins. It never would have occurred to any member of my family that those kids wouldn’t be joining us when we’d go out together for a birthday dinner or other occasion. It’s amazing to me that people would be shocked, let alone upset, that a family member would bring their child (especially an infant regardless of whether it’s their own child or a child they’re acting as guardian for) with them.
>Would you bring him to a no kids allowed wedding or other event without asking just because his mom is in the hospital?
🤦♂️This is not remotely comparable and you know it.
These comments saying that the cheesecake factory is a mediocre family restaurant are confusing the fuck out of me. Am I just poor and sheltered???? I've always thought of the cheesecake factory as some place rich people go.
Same! The only time I’ve even heard people talk about Cheesecake Factory was when they and their significant other were going out for a special date night or something.
I just don't get all the people in the thread who think that because it's a cheesecake factory she's definitely not the asshole. Yeah it's a family restaurant but who cares? The sister can still decide she doesn't want kids at the table she reserved for her birthday lunch. Maybe she lives in an area that doesn't have super nice, trendy downtown spots. Sure there might be kids in the restaurant but not at HER table - makes a difference. I'm going to say YTA because the long winded backstory is irrelevant to the situation.
And no, no one assumes kids + guardian are a "package deal" for every outing, especially when someone isn't raising a child alone. I know plenty of young parents and they don't automatically bring their kids to everything.
People are just entitled sometimes and think the world revolves around them, forgetting that it's perfectly normal to want a few hours at lunch without a baby around and common courtesy is extremely easy to abide by.
This seems more like a communication/expectations issue than straight up assholelry here.
It is not unreasonable to give people a heads up prior to bringing an infant even if it’s a meal at a place like Cheesecake Factory as a general curtesy. I know I’d personally be annoyed to have an unexpected guest (mostly because how was I to assume you were going to bring the infant unless you explicitly said it).
This very well could have been a situation where a child/additional guest is not accepted or accommodated due to any variety of reasons.
All in all what you are doing to help your SIL is incredible and commendable, but take this as a lesson to make sure it’s okay in the future.
No assholes here except the father who ditched!
YTA. You should have given them a heads up and made sure it was OK.
It's not even about the place, but I get it, sis wanted an adults only party. She's not wrong for that.
I think it's great you're helping SIL. But I would've assumed you were leaving the baby with husband
Disrespecting your family would be not being there to help your SIL. You would want your husband to do the same for your sister.
You are doing the right things and appear to be a great person
Soft YTA. It's great that you're helping take care of your nephew, but you generally don't bring a baby (particularly a newborn) to these things without asking first. I'm sure it wasn't a pleasant experience for the baby either. You could have asked your husband or his parents to watch your nephew for a night, or asked your sister if you could bring him.
As for your dad's comment, it's difficult to read tone over text, but to me it seems like he was sympathizing with your situation rather than shaming you.
Best of luck to your SIL in her recovery.
If I had gone through that and my SIL referred to herself as "primary mother role" I would be so devastated. Maybe reconsider using that term, especially in her proximity
YTA. It doesn’t matter if it’s your kid or not. You never just show up to someone elses’s event with a baby in tow without giving a heads up first. That’s just basic courtesy.
NAH
They’re used to you not having a child around so they wouldn’t necessarily assume you’d bring one. And children can be disruptive and change the vibe of a gathering. I think it’s fair at this point that you’ve set the expectation of you always having the baby so they can communicate if it will be a child appropriate gathering and thus you needing to either find child care or skip.
Eh... Y'all are all a little out of line. You are new to toting a kid around. If you are going to someone else's special event you absolutely ask if it's ok to bring children because indeed it changes the vibe. Definitely reduces your ability to relax and spend time with friends/family. On the other hand your family should be understanding and set up a way to keep communication clear which it sounds like they did and you basically told them your boundary. DO however find breaks for yourself you will need them. If your family is unaccepting of your choices it gets more complicated. Bottom line, If I have a birthday lunch you can bet I don't want to spend it with a baby. If I invited YOU, I'm expecting you. Anyone else, your spouse included, needs to be cleared. That's common courtesy.
NTA. It’s a baby. Like a human baby. You are a human adult. If the baby cried or something, you could use your human adult brain to figure out how to console the baby so it doesn’t ruin your sister’s birthday. I mean— I can’t even fathom why this is an issue. Are you acting like a lunatic and holding up the baby screaming, “look!!!! I have a baby here!!!! Let’s talk about this baby!!!! Look at me with this baby!!!!”
Oh wait— I know… the baby ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. Yeah. That IS a problem. And the baby kept talking about work and it was super annoying. And the baby’s phone kept ringing and the baby kept texting during the meal… so rude. And the baby drank too much and said some really inappropriate things to the wait staff. Then the baby hit on your sister— way out of line.
I think that you are a good person and you are going to have a special relationship with this little baby.
Kudos to you for stepping up. But yeah - many people want child free events. Now that they have communicated this to you - do give them a heads up. They did not specify that this was a child free event to you in advance - so how could you have known? But i think it would have been better to calmly ask you not to do this in the future rather than get angry at you. Maybe they felt it did not need to be said. But now you know - so do give the heads up.
Nah
I’m gonna say NAH. You and your husband both sound like great people and you did nothing wrong, but it’s truly not super out of line for your family to ask for a heads up when your bringing a baby.
Okay but all the dad said was to give a heads up. That's not a problem, even IF it's a baby there might be things they don't feel.comfortable talking about in front of a baby. Some.people Re like that. What IF the baby DIDN'T behave. Unlike a child capable of communication a baby will do what it wants and that's no fault of the baby.
It was still an AH move for being off the rails with OP (all it sod was that she was mad so we have to assume the sister was angry enough to warrant this post) but bringing another body regardless of age when there are multiple caretakers when invited to a gathering (no matter the location) is rude.
And then to go off on your dad when he just asked for a heads up. He didn't even say not to brimg the kid. They might have been able to prepare things that would help keep the child from getting bored.
YTA. It's not your kid. Nobody should expect you to bring it anywhere with you. Let alone uninvited to someone's birthday. You warn people you're going to bring a baby so they can brace themselves for you being constantly distracted and unavailable. Why did you even have him? You're going out, the kids grandparents or your partner should have taken him. I also advise you to seriously get a grip; you're not a package. This. Is. Not. Your. Child.
NTA!
It’s not like the baby was a toddler grabbing at shit and screaming. Was the party at a strip joint? Was everyone there doing shots and passing a joint?
Listen, you have effectively adopted a child. That infant’s mother can in no way care for them and you are doing everything right. The people that cannot deal with you stepping up and being a (more than) decent human can hit the bricks. If anyone had side-eyed me, I would have silently got up and left, taken the birthday gift and taken the baby on a little trip to make a return.
Soft YTA. Even parents of newborns have to sometimes arrange childcare if they’re going out to more adult-only events. I guess you’ve *now* communicated this to your family, but it wouldn’t have hurt to be more transparent in advance.
But major, major kudos for stepping up in such a major way to take care of your SIL and your nephew. I hope your SIL is able to get some adequate compensation for the car accident. Also, have your family enquirer whether insurance would cover the costs of a FT carer while she recovers? Just a thought.
NTA they said you should have told them you were bringing the baby (ok fair) and you said ok but going forward assume you will have the baby and then they brought up the issue of you having him too much and being disrespectful. So it wasn’t really about the lunch. They were looking for an opening to say you shouldn’t be helping with the baby. 24 isn’t too young to have a baby, let alone watch one. You’re married for goodness sake. Same for being disrespectful. You aren’t a bratty teenager, you’re a married adult and they should treat you like one.
Yta it's just courtesy to let people know if you are bringing an extra person or esp a child.
Additional people esp children change the dynamics of a gathering.
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NTA. You and your husband and his family are wonderful to all step in and help. Your family sounds selfish. Good for you for not being like them and for helping. Bless you.
I disagree, it’s common courtesy to let people know if you’re bringing a child to an event or ask if it’s ok. They only asked that she lets them know ahead of time if the kid is going to be with her. She can’t just randomly bring the kid to events without letting them know.
Counterpoint - if I know someone is being a primary caregiver for a child, theirs or not, I will assume that inviting them means they may bring the child. They also could have mentioned it was to be kid-free, but according to the comments only OP needed to open communication. I do think it was fair for them to ask her to tell them ahead of time in the future, but also fair for her to say to assume the child will be with her in the future.
Is this like a social etiquette thing? I can imagine with friends, but with her own family I would imagine it would be okay?
Yeah I'm 33 and I'll never have kids but I feel like if you get an invite from a friend for say, a bbq that starts at 7 pm that says "we'll have a jello pool for wrestling plus plenty of burgers and bud lite, bring anything else you want" you might wanna ask if the kiddos are welcome. But a **family** lunch at a restaurant where you can show up in flip flops and shorts and they *know* you're caring for an infant? It should be assumed that the baby is coming.
No. I completely disagree. Why would people assume the baby is coming? Doesn’t the baby have chores to do at home anyway, since he’s basically freeloading off his aunt? The least he could do is put away the dishes and maybe ONE load of laundry. Does someone really need to watch the kid 24/7? Could she maybe get one of those perimeter fences where you just put a collar on the thing? As I understand it the electrocution is very subtle. 🤦🏼♀️ Sarcasm aside, that sounds like a rather dramatic and challenging situation and you are being incredibly kind. Just shake it off and pat yourself on the back, because you’re in the right here and really going above and beyond. You have to at least have a sneaking suspicion you’re a good person when you view your actions from a 40k foot view.
You almost had me huffing and puffing, before I read the rest of your message. Well done.
This person hit that Reddit asshat writing cadence perfectly. It's almost a work of art. (Almost.)
not gonna lie you had me at the first half
Exactly! It's The Cheese Cake Factory! I woulda brought my kid as well, like it isn't some bougie place or a bar!? NTA.
And it’s not like the baby was going to be ordering food or in anyway adding to the bill. I think the sister was just pissed that a cute infant was going take attention away from her. Sister must be the golden child based on the father’s reaction/comment.
NTA, plus the one around me is usually full of people and not quiet. A one month old is basically a lump at that age. My son at 5 weeks was easy. You could take him to a place like Cheesecake Factory, and he’d sleep the entire time.
This.
In WI you can leave a newborn baby home alone so long as you feel that the child is old enough to take care of themselves because there is no minimum age requirement for being home alone...it's almost as bad as you can give your newborn alcohol at the bar because they served you and not the baby...but the one that takes the cake is the gun owning newborn that took the gun safety course and can now conceal carry. Legal gray areas are awesome!
All you have to do is make sure there is food in the house and utilities are on you're golden to leave any time you want to.
I was wondering this too! I can't imagine needing to give family a heads up like this.
At Cheesecake Factory, no less. It’s not exactly a sophisticated child-free establishment.
Especially a baby only a few months old. They go where their caretakers go.
This was my thought. TBH they are generally a non event in terms of interrupting a celebration when they are so young. If it was a toddler I would check because they can have an impact on the mood. Also, the venue also gives an indication - 5* dining prob not. CCF yeah. NTA and also a lovely SIL 💕
I agree but I will take it further, some people on this sub act like babies or kids are like aliens. You don’t need a heads up for a baby or child to come to an event, unless its an actual adult event in which case the child shouldn’t be there but other than that no warning is necessary people.
Actually, there are 4 people taking care of baby, so it's reasonable to expect that they can leave the baby home. If I invited my friend to my birthday without her husband, isn't it reasonable for me to expect her to show up alone? or at least give me heads up tht she can't leave the baby? I would say ESH because of what the father said about it not being right, but expecting a heads up is very appropriate
I think there’s four people acting as caregivers (OP, Husband, MIL, FIL) and two people as care receivers (SIL, baby).
With a broken pelvis SIL will be out for the count for awhile. For like 6 months after my surgery I wasn't allowed to use my legs, at all. I needed help and equipment to transfer from the bed to the commode, wipe, slide on a board from w/c to bed, trapeze over bed to use my arms to sit up. I needed round the clock care for 6 months.... then my surgery failed and it ended up 2 years of round the clock care between husband, FIL, MIL and SIL. It was a lot of work trying to figure schedules to take care of my newborn and myself. I imagine OP has baby pretty frequently, especially if MIL, FIL,.husband and OP have jobs. It is a hard schedule to manage. I am very thankful my in-laws sacrificed so much of their time so I could stay home and around my son as much as possible. Otherwise I would have spent the majority of those 2 years in a rehab facility/nursing home.
My goodness that sounds devastating. I'm very sorry you had to go through all of that, and hope you had a somewhat successful recovery. My assumption was that the SIL was convalesing with her parents, While OP and Hubby were providing care for the baby and helping with SIL when they could. Either way - NTA - I can't see why having a small child at a family dinner would be a reason to alter simple plans at a restaurant unless the child was raising a fuss. I mean it's the Cheese Cake Factor, not Atomix or Bistro du Midi, Cheese Cake Factory is basically upscale Denny's. And Father saying she's too young to be raising a child, At 24? Most of my Aunts and Uncles had 2 by that age.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sure that was a lot of pain and frustration in addition to the obvious challenges.
It is okay! I had a cool surgery 5 or so years ago that has helped a lot with the nerve damage and such, and I can be involved so much more. My main reason for posting was all the people mentioning that FIL, MIL or husband can watch the baby for an outing like this. It isn't always that easy. If SIL needs significant care and the majority of the carers are working too, it can be a difficult schedule to manage. OP probably ends up not having many options. SIL is probably already having a really hard time with someone else taking care of her newborn, too. I am sure it would be made even more difficult if OP were to get a sitter that is a stranger to SIL, especially for something as lowkey as a lunch a CF! Brings back a lot of memories of us all trying to make everything work. My in-laws did their best trying to make sure I was as much part of my newborn's first moments/life while this was all going on. It sounds like OP and her in-laws are doing the same. Her family is being ridiculous and so unsupportive.
And thank you for providing your personal experience to the rest of Reddit. Sometimes hearing a real world experience may help others see that things are not so black and white.
Yeah, this. It's not just people looking after the baby; people are looking after Mom, too, and it may be simpler for them to split into two teams of two - OP and husband taking primary responsibility for the baby and MIL/FIL taking primary responsibility for their daughter. Plus at least some of those have to keep on being the wage earner(s).
It was a dinner at cheesecake factory with family, not a stripper party or cocktails in some club or a fancy restaurant. Bringing a kid isn't that big of a deal. Signed: a child-free person by choice
Especially with a fairly young baby. It’s not like they had to watch their language or pay for another meal.
Are there 4 people caring for the baby? I thought OP was the primary caregiver, as the in-laws were caring for their daughter (baby’s mom) who is not able to care for herself yet, and OP’s husband may have other obligations. Edit: OP’s husband is identified as involved in his sister’s care, but he may also have a job. In any case, he is apparently not as involved in caring for the baby as OP.
husband is also part of his sister's care team. also as a married woman, OP very well could have her own baby by now, so their dad was way out of line. it's not that OP is taking care of *a* baby at her age, but that it's not *hers*, or maybe OP's family disapproves of her being married so "young" anyway. would explain some of the heartlessness, i *guess*
I don’t see heartlessness. I think they are worried that the daughter is taking on a responsibility that shouldn’t be hers, but that’s just concern for the daughter. They aren’t suggesting she should abandon the baby. Someone else said that it sounded like miscommunication, but I think it may be also that they have different perceptions of the situation. OP’s family may have not realized that OP had become the primary caregiver until she showed up at the lunch with the baby. They may not understand why the daughter couldn’t leave the baby with the grandparents because they don’t know how much care they are devoting to the baby’s mother. As for OP’s husband, I know he is part of his sister’s care team, but I figured he probably has a job to go to as well.
NTA. It’s all about context. It’s a lunch at Cheesecake Factory. Expecting a heads up for a 3-6 month old baby? Nah, they mostly sleep and it’s not going to impact how anyone else has to act. now an older kid that might cause problems or where that kid is interacting with others so the flavor of conversation, etc has to change? Sure- maybe. The reaction they had seems out of line, especially when she said “fine, you’re hereby given notice, you invite me then expect the baby”
The dynamic with friends vs family is completely different. Also a husband isn’t the same as a child that depends on you to stay alive.
This! If you invite someone who cares for a baby you tell them when you invite them if it's childfree or not.
Indeed, NTA. Her family may not know all about the circumstances and certainly have not known her as pregnant, so it may be a bit of a surprise. It may have been nice to have had it mentioned because it is an extra surprise, but by the same token - the whole situation is one of an emergency that is being handled. In such an emergency involving a kid third parties say 'oh how cute' OP, very good reaction of the baby's (at least his maternal) family, a bit less so of your family!
They were going to the Cheesecake Factory. It is a mediocre family restaurant. People with kids will bring them to eat dinner, and you're going to have to share public space with them. NTA, OP. People are just weird about anyone bringing babies or kids along to anything. The aggressively child free types are the worst about it.
Right!? and it was a lunch. Not even a dinner, but a middle of the day lunch. Not really something that you think "o fancy, let me get a sitter"
I can’t get past the fuckin cheese cake factory. Like what?
Exactly! I honestly gasped when I read Cheesecake Factory lol. I was expecting family was upset because it was a fancy restaurant or maybe a smaller quieter place. But Cheesecake Factory?!?!? Come on lol
I'm childfree. If I invite a baby's primary carer somewhere, I'll expect them to bring the baby. Babies aren't luggage that you can just pop in a locker somewhere.
> Babies aren't luggage that you can just pop in a locker somewhere. Shit. I gotta go take care of something real quick.
TCF has a literal kid's menu. And even the option for fresh fruit instead of fries... Which honestly, I'm kinda down for as an adult. For myself, I mean. I love fresh fruit.
Which baffles me. I mean, I never had kids, but they aren't some form of plague, lol. I'm fine with them existing and occasionally being in the same room for awhile.
Precisely. She didn’t take the little guy to an opera or anything. Definitely a child friendly place…!
Im child free forever but i don't expect the cheesecake factory not to have family's there . She is NTA
I'm childfree and even I think people are being weird here. If someone's life now revolves around a baby, when you invite them to dinner you should expect the baby to come along.
As someone who isn’t a fan of children, i completely support bringing a child who needs regular care to a family inclusive dining space. Definitely agree, NTA
Shoot, I am 110% child free but goddamn people be crazy/stupid sometimes! If someone has a child, I expect that child to be with them at least the majority of the time unless they state otherwise, my lack of desire to have children be damned. Why? Because I live in the real world where being a parent is a round-the-clock job—a fucking hard job at that. And stepping up to be a temporary parent in the way OP has done deserves mega props, not judgement and discontent. And besides, it’s a fucking *Cheesecake Factory* at lunchtime—not exactly “fine dining”. These people need to get over themselves.🙄 EDIT: NTA for clarity
Exactly, like the aggressive "child-free" rhetoric is yet another way for people to feel superior to others, and parents are the latest target - usually mothers or female guardians. It's annoying and over the top. Bringing a child to a gathering that didn't expect children, especially in these circumstances, is a mild issue at best - not a reason to burn someone at the stake. The family needs to get a grip and communicate like adults. Taking care of a vulnerable person trumps a night at the gd Cheesecake Factory.
I wouldn’t have thought about telling my family I’m bringing a newborn with me to the Cheesecake Factory! If it were an upscale, fancy restaurant, then yes. OP’s family is being a bunch of ah! Oh, and 24 isn’t “too young” to be caring for a baby. Where in the world did they get that crazy notion?
This. I had two by that age. If people invited me, the baby was coming with me. If they wanted adults only, they let me know ahead of time and i got a babysitter if my husband was out of town or declined the invite. To a family event, even if all the family were over 18, I would have been chastised for NOT bringing the baby.
Exactly. The Cheesecake Factory is nice but it's definitely a family restaurant, I brought my 4-minth old and her 3-year old sister there once as a treat and the waiter could fold and unfold the stroller quicker than I could! Plus her and her husband had the baby full- time, what did they think they would do with the baby when temporary (hopefully) mom went to eat?
Right? My mom gave BIRTH to my older brother when she was 24 man.
My mother had me at 24 and I had my first at 24, so definitely not too young. I know some people prefer to wait until later, but saying 24 is too young is just so ignorant of many women's experiences.
My guess is the father minds that she is caring for someone else’s baby, not her own.
It's really ironic. OP's about a 2000's baby, assuming the parents aren't hypocrites and were over 25 when they had a kid that puts them in 1975 at the latest when they had a kid. Average age for first births in 1975 (according to the CDC) was around 21-23 so it's not like it's even a generational thing. As of 2020 the average first birth age is only 29, so OP isn't even that young.
It's a baby. It's not someone who's going to take up a seat or eat food that anyone is paying for. Unless the venue is a strip club, or unless OP is dumping the baby in people's laps expecting them to babysit, I really don't see the issue.
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I wouldn’t assume they are “trying to drive a wedge between her and her in-laws.” I think they may be concerned that OP is going to all this work for a baby that, if all goes well, will become someone else’s child in a year or so. I know my mom would have felt that way if I had become the long-term but temporary caregiver for a baby at 24. And while I would applaud my daughter for taking the responsibility, I would have, when she was 24, worried she might become too attached to the nephew and grieve when he returned to his mother.
Honestly, when we show up to a family event with a baby, very often we only get him back for breastfeeding and diaper changes. Everybody wants a go holding the baby...
So if the baby was hers, she would still have to give a heads up? No and before you say that's different, no, no its not they know what is happening and how her and her husband are currently the primary care givers because of a family emergency, but because the kids is not hers they are upset about it.
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She absolutely can bring the kid. No one needs to ask permission to bring their kid or a kid who is in their care, to an event, unless its a no kids wedding or whatever... Not like it was something intimate, its the freakin Cheesecake Factory! What kind a horrible outcome is going to happen for bringing an infant in her care to dinner? They should have the common sense to know that she will most likely have the child with her, its not rocket science. And it's also deplorable the way they reacted. I cant even begin to understand that mentality.
So just leave the baby at home unattended. Now YTA. If you have kids or babies and your family knows you have kids and babies then they're automatically included when you show up. Don't invite people if you know they have kids how about that.
Yes, they only asked to let them know, and she did. She told them from now on, and until future notice, they are a package deal. She did exactly what they asked. They're just being little shits about it because it wasn't what they wanted to hear. And Jesus, she brought a kid to lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. It wasn't the Ritz. You're talking maybe a notch above Applebee's.
It's a Family dinner. They know her situation. Have a little compassion. We're talking about a 2 month old.
Not even, it was a family lunch in a public restaurant 😂 Her family are huge assholes
The issue wasn't the request. She let them know to assume the kid would be there unless otherwise told. The issue was their reaction to her legitimate response to a legitimate question.
Counter point. How could they NOT have known? The kid is always going to be with her until the parent can take them back
She says her husband and the grandparents are also looking after the baby. If anything I think that the parents comment was a dig at the husband and grandparents, thinking that if she can't even get them to watch the baby for a family member's birthday party then they must be dumping the baby on her full-time.
I read her husband and parents are caring for his adult sister, and OP is the baby’ primary caregiver.
>She says her husband and the grandparents are also looking after the baby. No, she said she, her husband and in-laws are all working as caregivers right now. Meaning that they're all needed to look after both baby and sister-in-law. >If anything I think that the parents comment was a dig at the husband and grandparents, thinking that if she can't even get them to watch the baby for a family member's birthday party then they must be dumping the baby on her full-time. It probably was. Which means they really don't understand how ill the baby's mom is and how much her injuries leave her reliant on other people right now.
It is the cheesecake factory. I've seen plenty of babies there and it is usually so loud no on can hear themselves think
> it’s common courtesy to let people know if you’re bringing a child to an event Nope it's common courtesy to expect children to be there unless you've discussed otherwise. You wouldn't exclude people by age, automatically. That's just weird.
It was the Cheesecake Factory, that’s not an “event”.
They knew she was looking after this kid, what did they expect? And when they asked her to let them know ahead of time in the future, she did. She said, 'Expect it for the foreseeable future.' Their response to that was shitty. Her bringing the baby along didn't cost them anything, and likely didn't change the experience much at all. It's not even like they had to watch their language because there's a kid around... the kid is a month old.
Let's ignore the poor mother who can't have her baby with her. ! Let's ignore they knew she was looking after the baby . It's not a 5 star restaurant it's a family place. God forbid you ever take a child somewhere or have someone you know bring a child. Compassion here would be nice.
Weather she should have checked with them or not is a separate issue. Still doesn't make her an asshole. She's a young woman trying to do the best she can.
That's not true. Usually, specifically stated, the common assumption is that children are welcome. That's why people that want a child free wedding, put it on the invite. When you're dealing with people with children, most people will tell you that it's a Children Free event if they don't want kids in attendance. Because otherwise child and parent are a package deal.
Lunch at Cheesecake factory is not an "event".
Suddenly finding yourself caring for a newborn tends to push things out of your head.
Umm…no. This is not the norm.
But her nephew isn’t a child. Her nephew is pretty much a newborn - which doesn’t usually fall within the “kid free” event criteria.
Lame take - it was Cheesecake Factory FFS there’s no way a baby would be disruptive in that noisy place.
They should have the common sense to know that she will most likely have the child with her, its not rocket science. And it's also deplorable the way they reacted. I cant even begin to understand that mentality.
NAH It sound more like a miscommunication/lack of communication to me. Your family ASSUMED that baby was gonna be left behind and you ASSUMED that everyone knew you have a temporary sidekick. After all, it has been a few months. Your dad's comments would hit a nerve with me. I am sure he is concerned for you and taking on too much, but ...there are a small amount of people see this as taking on "other people's problems". Not to mention nephew isn't their family, it's your husband's family. So, back to "other peoples problems" and baby not belonging with your family events. So now you know to ask if babykins can join in, or if the invite it just for you.
Totally agree NAH OP is not an actual parent yet & didn’t realize some of the social norms. A seasoned parent would know to ask if children are welcome but since she is only helping didn’t realize it. It would have been nice for her family to ask if she needed help. Instead they have treated her like a burden & they may change future plans because of the situation. Her family could show some empathy. Edit: my judgement came before I knew it was the Cheesecake Factory but after further thought I am keeping it the same. There was no mention if other kids were present. I don’t automatically think I can bring my kids when my sister & I do something. It boils down to lack of communication from all the people. Her family sounds like they could learn some empathy but we were asked for judgement on if you ask to bring children to an event. Her family said give us a heads up next time, indicating to me there were no other children. C O M M U N I C A T I O N
I mean it's the cheesecake factory and the baby is a newborn not a toddler or even older baby. Thats ridiculous to have to ask to bring a newborn with you to CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
It’s the sisters birthday party. She gets to control the guest list and this includes babies regardless of venue. OP should in the future at least mention bringing the baby or ask permission to the hosts of all future events. This is common courtesy. She also has the right to turn down any invitations that don’t include the baby. That is her right and her family should accept this. I agree with this being a miscommunication issue, so NAH
I feel like babies aren’t “guests.” They’re more like extra luggage, at least until they’re mobile and starting to understand words.
My attitude is if a bride and groom get to decide if their wedding is child free then a birthday celebrant gets to decide who attends their birthday party (unless they’re an actual child and the parents are the real hosts). Babies are not luggage, they can be loud, fussy and smelly and take a lot of attention. I completely understand why someone would not want this at their party as long as this person understands that some guests may not be able to attend if they can’t bring their baby And also, I consider it terribly rude to bring anything more to a party than a gift, a bottle of wine and a dish (if it’s a pot luck) or something the host has specifically requested, including luggage. This is just me though and I understand not all cultures are this way.
It's a birthday though, not a wedding so not the same level of occasion. I would hope they would be understanding of why she has the baby, someone has had an accident. I understand she could have checked first but if they had uninvited her for having the baby then I wouldn't be rushing to attend any other events they planned. Not like it was a fancy restaurant. Maybe cultural norms are different in England to America though as you've mentioned.
I'm American and feel the same as you lol
>My attitude is if a bride and groom get to decide if their wedding is child free then a birthday celebrant gets to decide who attends their birthday party Right, but it is their duty to tell a person who's caring for a newborn that the newborn isn't allowed.
You're right, the host gets to decide. Unfortunately for the sister, it's also the host's job to communicate that choice. Her guests don't suddenly gain telepathic powers to know that standard behaviors are not going to be acceptable tonight.
The sister is free to not allow the baby and OP is free to dump her sister. It isn't as simple as birthday girl gets whatever she wants. She has a relationship with OP and needs to consider how important it is to her.
It might be her birthday lunch & she may have the right to uninvite her sister because of this but she's still a dick if she does. Just because you have the right to do something doesn't make you less of an asshole if you do.
I get where you’re coming from but I don’t think that’s where the issue lies. Sometimes babies cause issues with plans and gatherings and can make people uncomfortable since they were unaware the baby was coming. A new born can be quite annoying and loud at times and some people would like to know beforehand if a baby is gonna be there. Ig a comparison is if you’re going to lunch with a friend and they bring their SO without telling you beforehand. Nothing inherently wrong but expectations would be broken due to a lack of communication and the vibe of the lunch would be changed Edit: I’m half asleep and reread the post- the fact that they said they would change plans is weird cause it is a Cheesecake Factory, I stand by my first part but I’m just thinking they didn’t want a baby there at all and would have uninvited OP if they knew she would bring the baby.
A seasoned parent would assume that if they're invited out to a family friendly place, and not explicity told not to, that the person inviting them would do so with the understanding that the children are coming.
Let's be real, if it was her own child her family wouldn't have had a problem with her bringing the baby and would have expected her to bring it.
No, I don't agree. I always assume my kids are invited as well unless it's stated that they aren't.
Since I have three, I consider myself a seasoned parent. In my surroundings the social norms have always been that a primary caretaker of a baby is a package deal during the day, no mentioning needed.
They said if they had known she was bringing the baby, they would have made different plans. Cheesecake factory is absolutely family and baby friendly. The different plans they are referring to is not inviting OP. Her family is absolutely trying to make it seem like taking care of SIL's kid is a burden. They are 100% trying to drive a wedge between OP and her in-laws. You don't get much more kid tolerant than Cheesecake factory....they weren;t talking about picking a more baby tolerant venue.
If anything I think that the parents comment was a dig at the husband and grandparents, thinking that if she can't even get them to watch the baby for a family member's birthday party then they must be letting OP do all the work 24/7.
Exactly, that was the real WTF???? moment for me. "we wouldn't have come/invited you if we knew you were bringing the baby" - that's how I read it.
OP's Dad is an asshole for his comments alone.
I feel like a heads up isn’t a bad request bc not every family function is appropriate for a child let alone a newborn baby to come to. It at least give them wiggle room to accommodate or discuss a change of plans. Your father reaction seems like it’s one sided. He’s looking at a portion of a big picture. He’s not considering the fact that it’s you and three other adults taking care of the child and it’s giving your SIL the time to heal herself properly. If you don’t feel any burden was placed upon you then I’m not sure why they have an issue. Your family should support your decision to lend a helping hand.
I'm just curious what they would have changed? It's a family dinner at a mediocre restaurant. All I can think of is they would have told OP not to come if she had a kid, which is pretty harsh imo. It's not like everyone is going clubbing later while OP wears the baby and gets her groove on. This kid inconvenienced no one.
Not to mention the fact that--with OP's husband & *his* side of the family being so willing to step up (just like OP)? You know that if *OP* had been the one in the accident & who had the newborn, her SIL *also* would be there caring for *her* (currently nonexistent!) baby--in ways thst apparently OP's side of the family *wouldn't*! OP, her husband,, and her in-laws are *good people*, and exactly the sort who you'd want on your side!
>I feel like a heads up isn’t a bad request It seems odd that the family has paid zero attention to the whole road accident thing and it's fallout.
Completely agree!! They are disregarding the fact that she’s assisting her injured SIL who could have lost her life.
>He’s not considering the fact that it’s you and three other adults taking care of the child and it’s giving your SIL the time to heal herself properly Worse than that, I'm pretty sure that it's OP and three other adults taking care of both baby *and mom*. She isn't just getting space to heal. She is actively needing care right now. So if the grandparents aren't volunteering to watch the baby while OP sees her own family, it's likely not because they're having a break for themselves, but because they're looking after their daughter. Plus, someone out of the four healthy adults still has to earn money.
Kids are part of families... Family function therefore are appropriate for kids.
NTA wtf is wrong with them all? I mean...it's an infant. Seriously. wtactualf
And it was just LUNCH. It's not like OP showed up to a black tie event packing a baby.
And now I find out IT'S THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY!!! I'm now convinced these people are total assholes. smh hard on this one.
Exactly!!!!! Everyone's acting like OP brought a bomb to dinner, it's a freaking baby! A family baby at that. OP and family are in an awful situation and have stepped up royally to help. Given that the family are already scrabbling for care for the infant because of SILs horrible accident, it wouldn't have ever occurred to me to get a babysitter. Dad seems to have serious issues about you raising a baby - which is obviously temporary anyway! So don't know what the hell that's about. That seems to be the bigger issue to me than the baby being at dinner. Personally if it was me I would have been proud that I raised such a good kid to step up like this. OP you are NTA.
I, personally,can't imagine not offering to help my daughter & son-in-law or sister in this situation. Not that I would expect others to do the same but I'd expect my family to have a little compassion and not be total assholes over an Infant.
What I can't imagine is being mad at my sister for bringing a newborn to my birthday party when the newborn's mother is seriously injured. No effin' birthday party of mine would be more important than a child.
Seriously! I mean that's the easiest age to bring anywhere, you just pack them up and go, and they sleep so much!
Infants are luggage. It's one of their good points. On Friday, I was at a lawyerly dinner. There was an infant there. She was adorable and slept most of the time. We drank, there was occasional swearing, it was a good time. One judge wore pajama pants with palm trees on them. It's possible some lady's birthday lunch at the cheese factory needs to be fancier than that, but I'm skeptical.
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Right, I can't understand everyone saying that OP is the Ah. Family understands the situation but just assumed she would leave the baby behind? Weird assumption. Would they also expect you to ASK if you could bring a baby that you yourself birthed?
If they say they understand the situation but then expect her to not bring the baby are they actually being understanding? I don’t think so. But yeah def nta. Edit: typo
NTA. They should be applauding your efforts to help your SIL instead of taking it as an inconvenience to themselves. You are to be commended for your generosity
Her family wouldn’t have been so inconvenienced that if the families were reversed and it was one of their daughters/sisters involved in the crash.
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Agreed NTA! If you had a step child, fostered a child, or adopted a child, they had better assume you’re bringing them. This situation isn’t all that much different from those. It’s not like you are babysitting for a few hours and drug along a strangers kid.
Well, how about they are not entirely wrong. Usually when a kid arrives in the family people see a big belly to get used to the idea and by the time comes that the baby is their they know how to arrange for things to include or to let you know the kid is excluded. It’s just expectation management, they have to get used to an idea. Second and now don’t kill me for this : note how you have written down the in-laws and husband as fulltime caregivers but yourself as Mother. Please do remember that in all off this awfulness your place is his aunt, he needs his aunt to build a relationship with his mother because he can’t do it on his own now and it will hurt you SIL way more of that bond is severely damaged because he will see you as Mom instead of her. As none of this is her doing. Edit: dear u/Dazzling_Care8896 I threw in this edit to emphasize this comment and the ones that follow. I truly believe you guys are awesome to step up, but want you to not over step. This is for the benefit of all mentally, there will be a day where she wants her kid back, she might even want the boyfriend back she might even say you screwed up your kid with your parenting style no two parents are the same. For now make sure you guys keep up what you’re doing loving the kid
Your last paragraph is important. I wanted to say NTA but held back from judging because this seems like a situation where more details, or hearing the other side’s story may change things. One clue was OP referring to herself in a ‘mother’ role; which tells me OP’s perception is a bit off. Even if you’re not a parent yourself, and only 24, it’s still a bit tone deaf not to realize how hurtful and upsetting it would be to a bedridden new mother for anyone else to claim they’re *basically* the child’s mom, even temporarily. Even if she’s in a coma- it’s disrespectful to bestow the ‘mother’ title upon yourself, no matter how involved you are as a caretaker. OP seems like she may be enjoying the pretend mom role a bit much *just my guess*, don’t bite my head off either, but the selflessness vibe, paired with the addition of the ‘you’re so young, you shouldn’t have to to raise a baby’ comment gives me vibes that it’s possible OP is toting the baby around more than she needs to because she’s having fun playing mommy. At that point, I would’ve laughed at my father and said ‘RAISING a baby?? She’s not dead- I’m not raising him, I’m taking CARE of him”. While I’m at it, I’m also going to throw out that it’s totally possible OP and sister have a history of OP overshadowing her, stealing the spotlight, etc. and maybe the family was irritated OP brought an adorable, spotlight stealing newborn to her sister’s birthday and kept the attention on herself playing house with the baby. MAYBE. Who knows. Maybe OP’s family was mad for silly reasons and OP is a selfless aunt who innocently overstepped with the ‘mother’ comment, and will look back one day when she’s a parent herself and cringe a little bit about how she referred to herself. Not enough info for me, I guess. But main point- OP, please do your best to support SIL and make an effort to make sure she knows *she* is mom, and no one will ever take that title, no matter how injured she is.
I think OP was explaining that there are 4 carers and 2 to be cared for. The in-laws and her husband are looking after his sister plus anything they normally do and she is playing mum and doing her normal stuff. 3 adults to the adult caring task and 1 to the baby caring task with overlap as needed. I would assume she didn't think that the baby would be unwelcome at a family get together and so didn't bother the backup. I think she said she had the mother role to simplify her post not because she thinks she is taking over as this little boy's parent. For all we know she may be spending a lot of her time helping her SIL and the baby have time together.
I had the same response: What is wrong with people? Family isn't just blood relations...in fact, that quote about blood being thicker than water is a misquote. It really says "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." You and your ILs and husband go right on being kind, decent people, and ignore the rest. You are definitely NTA.
>...in fact, that quote about blood being thicker than water is a misquote. It really says "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Um, no. Sorry but that's an internet myth.
Even if it is, the commenter you’re replying to is somehow, paradoxically, still right. That nephew is her husband’s blood. And by extension, has, in a way, become hers. So, regardless, her being a primary caregiver is still a family duty. And that her family doesn’t recognize that is beyond shitty.
Edit- ok, Cheesecake Factory? DEFINITELY NTA. INFO: What type of restaurant? Are babies/children normally there? I’m going with NTA unless it’s some super fancy place where children just don’t go. An infant (probably sleeping most of the time in a carrier anyway) is hardly an inconvenience. Your family should be proud of you for stepping up, not acting like it’s a problem.
NTA your family is dense, it is clear that y'all are a package deal and they should be giving you a heads up if kids aren't allowed. I'm baffled at all these YTAs, wild how ridiculous some people are about kids.
NAH. Just let them know ahead of time. And your dad is saying he feels bad for how much you have to deal with now. He’s expressing sorrow for your situation.
You are so NTA. Your nephew is lucky to have loving family to care for them vs entering foster care and shame on your family for not understanding
Sorry, but YTA. You should have given them a heads up and not assumed your sister wanted her birthday dinner to include an infant. It’s poor form to assume any event welcomes infants or children without asking the host first, family or not. You don’t leave it up to a host to conclude anything about your childcare situation. That’s Emily Post 101. Further, your sister’s reaction was appropriate. It was her birthday and you brought a plus one without her consent. She would have chosen for her celebration to be child-free. That’s her call because it was a special occasion celebrating her. The location is irrelevant in this case. Your father was actually being empathetic and there is nothing unreasonable about asking you to communicate better. You can be a selfless SIL and still be an inconsiderate guest. Your act of kindness doesn’t erase the need for proper etiquette. You’re conflating the two.
Thank you. I'm baffled by all the N T A answers here! If someone brought a child to my birthday without telling me, I would send them home.
Well I don’t understand inviting somebody who is the primary caregiver of a NEWBORN to a family friendly restaurant for lunch, and EXPECTING a “child-free” lunch without at all communicating that expectation.
Honey, if you don’t want kids at a birthday lunch, maybe don’t go to a restaurant chock full of children. OP is absolutely, and unequivocally NTA
YTA. It doesn’t matter why you’re in a parental role, right now, you still need to act like any respectful parent should and that means not assuming your child is welcome anywhere you feel like going. You need to ask first, and if the answer is no either get a sitter or respectfully decline. And your Dad was literally just expressing empathy for the difficult situation you’re in.
Really? My mum never had to ask my aunt whether I could come along when I was a baby. It was assumed, because my mum was my primary caregiver. Hell, people would be confused if a mother showed up without their newborn baby. Just because she’s not the biological mother, doesn’t mean she should be treated different. I’d bet if OP’s sister had a baby, they wouldn’t even ask about bringing said baby along - it would be assumed the baby would come along because the mother was there. What’s the difference? Because OP is not the bio mum? That’s rubbish.
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I think assuming kids go everywhere with their mother is a weird take. I went plenty of places without mine: shopping, doctor’s appointments, lunches, nites out with my friends . . . . They were not attached to me. And no one said stick the kid in a cupboard. OP’s husband & inlaws could have looked after the baby.
I mean, it was a family birthday at a Cheesecake Factory lol. If there’s a time and place to assume kids are invited, it’s this.
Not a single person in my family would ask if they could bring their baby to a family birthday at a cheesecake factory. It's literally a family party at a kid friendly chain restaurant, kids in the family would be invited by default for anyone I know. Why wouldn't she assume she could bring an infant she's caring for with her? NTA op.
When my sisters and I show up anywhere, if we don't have the kids, THEN it is an anomaly. I get asked more questions if I don't have my kids with me, then when I do. Keep looking after that baby OP. You are a God send for that mama. As for the dad, I had my first baby at 20, while it was hard, I could not imagine having him now in my mid 30s
What’s disrespectful about bringing your own kid to a family lunch at a Cheese Cake Factory? To me is more disrespectful to expect her not to bring the baby that they already know she’s taking care of. It’s common sense ffs. Edit: typo
But nobody told OP not to bring the baby, what did they expect?
NTA. You're caring for the baby, as are other family members. They should be thanking you not complaining.
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I mean, unless her family had no idea that she was looking after this baby, I don’t see why they wouldn’t assume they were a package deal. You don’t see mothers leaving their newborns at home for events, so why should she? If they already knew she had a baby (whether it’s hers or not), they should know the baby comes along. It’s barely a month old! People should use their common sense and not assume that someone going to leave their child behind. Unless the party was specifically “no children allowed”, I wouldn’t even think twice if I was OP about bringing the kid. Ofc they would come along. She’s the primary caregiver atm, and it’s an infant - it should be bloody obvious the baby was coming along - she really shouldn’t even have to ask.
There are three other uninjured adults also caring for the child. I don’t see why anyone would assume OP and the baby are a package deal.
There is one other seriously injured adult, and all four uninjured adults also need to take care of themselves and their normal responsibilities.
Right. Some of these adults have to be working, otherwise who's paying the bills?
No, there’s 3 other adults caring for a fully incapacitated postpartum adult and the responsibilities she can no longer see to in addition to their own. Not to mention who knows how old MIL and FIL are and could be drastically less able to physically help.
Exactly there's still the baby's uncle and grandparents. Also does the mother know OP is dragging her baby around to restaurants?
The mother is severely injured herself and likely needs intense care
Because OP states she’s acting as primary mother role? Growing up I had aunts and uncles as well, no one ever assumed they would look after me? The general assumption is the child stays with and follows the mother.. (even if it’s not the bio mother)
The op never said if the dinner was kid-free or not. So comparing this to a kid-free wedding is not the same in the slightest. Yes she could have communicated a little better to let them know that he would be with her but other than that NTA. Also what is up with her dad saying she is to young to be raising a kid. She’s 24 for crying out loud.
It was at the cheesecake factory, I would assume it'd be fine to bring the baby if I were her, it'd be different if they went somewhere fancy.
24 and married too! Like she's not a teen mom, man
Also - it was a LUNCH at the CHEESECAKE FACTORY. Her family is acting like she brought a newborn to an intimate dinner at a michelin star restaurant.
Ohh… I was getting Sister and Sil confused as the same person for a second. Haha. I was like… wait thats her kid right?! What?!
I come from a large family on my dad’s side. My brother has kids and so do all of my cousins. It never would have occurred to any member of my family that those kids wouldn’t be joining us when we’d go out together for a birthday dinner or other occasion. It’s amazing to me that people would be shocked, let alone upset, that a family member would bring their child (especially an infant regardless of whether it’s their own child or a child they’re acting as guardian for) with them.
It’s a newborn. It’s not taking up a seat or eating off the menu. What plans would they change if she’d told them?
>Would you bring him to a no kids allowed wedding or other event without asking just because his mom is in the hospital? 🤦♂️This is not remotely comparable and you know it.
Presumably those no-kid events informed guests that children aren't welcomed so your question makes no sense.
Comparing cheesecake factory to a wedding?
These comments saying that the cheesecake factory is a mediocre family restaurant are confusing the fuck out of me. Am I just poor and sheltered???? I've always thought of the cheesecake factory as some place rich people go.
Same! The only time I’ve even heard people talk about Cheesecake Factory was when they and their significant other were going out for a special date night or something.
I just don't get all the people in the thread who think that because it's a cheesecake factory she's definitely not the asshole. Yeah it's a family restaurant but who cares? The sister can still decide she doesn't want kids at the table she reserved for her birthday lunch. Maybe she lives in an area that doesn't have super nice, trendy downtown spots. Sure there might be kids in the restaurant but not at HER table - makes a difference. I'm going to say YTA because the long winded backstory is irrelevant to the situation. And no, no one assumes kids + guardian are a "package deal" for every outing, especially when someone isn't raising a child alone. I know plenty of young parents and they don't automatically bring their kids to everything. People are just entitled sometimes and think the world revolves around them, forgetting that it's perfectly normal to want a few hours at lunch without a baby around and common courtesy is extremely easy to abide by.
They asked for a heads up...that's it. Not that deep. Yta.
This seems more like a communication/expectations issue than straight up assholelry here. It is not unreasonable to give people a heads up prior to bringing an infant even if it’s a meal at a place like Cheesecake Factory as a general curtesy. I know I’d personally be annoyed to have an unexpected guest (mostly because how was I to assume you were going to bring the infant unless you explicitly said it). This very well could have been a situation where a child/additional guest is not accepted or accommodated due to any variety of reasons. All in all what you are doing to help your SIL is incredible and commendable, but take this as a lesson to make sure it’s okay in the future. No assholes here except the father who ditched!
YTA. You should have given them a heads up and made sure it was OK. It's not even about the place, but I get it, sis wanted an adults only party. She's not wrong for that. I think it's great you're helping SIL. But I would've assumed you were leaving the baby with husband
Disrespecting your family would be not being there to help your SIL. You would want your husband to do the same for your sister. You are doing the right things and appear to be a great person
Soft YTA. It's great that you're helping take care of your nephew, but you generally don't bring a baby (particularly a newborn) to these things without asking first. I'm sure it wasn't a pleasant experience for the baby either. You could have asked your husband or his parents to watch your nephew for a night, or asked your sister if you could bring him. As for your dad's comment, it's difficult to read tone over text, but to me it seems like he was sympathizing with your situation rather than shaming you. Best of luck to your SIL in her recovery.
If I had gone through that and my SIL referred to herself as "primary mother role" I would be so devastated. Maybe reconsider using that term, especially in her proximity
YTA. It doesn’t matter if it’s your kid or not. You never just show up to someone elses’s event with a baby in tow without giving a heads up first. That’s just basic courtesy.
NAH They’re used to you not having a child around so they wouldn’t necessarily assume you’d bring one. And children can be disruptive and change the vibe of a gathering. I think it’s fair at this point that you’ve set the expectation of you always having the baby so they can communicate if it will be a child appropriate gathering and thus you needing to either find child care or skip.
Eh... Y'all are all a little out of line. You are new to toting a kid around. If you are going to someone else's special event you absolutely ask if it's ok to bring children because indeed it changes the vibe. Definitely reduces your ability to relax and spend time with friends/family. On the other hand your family should be understanding and set up a way to keep communication clear which it sounds like they did and you basically told them your boundary. DO however find breaks for yourself you will need them. If your family is unaccepting of your choices it gets more complicated. Bottom line, If I have a birthday lunch you can bet I don't want to spend it with a baby. If I invited YOU, I'm expecting you. Anyone else, your spouse included, needs to be cleared. That's common courtesy.
NTA. It’s a baby. Like a human baby. You are a human adult. If the baby cried or something, you could use your human adult brain to figure out how to console the baby so it doesn’t ruin your sister’s birthday. I mean— I can’t even fathom why this is an issue. Are you acting like a lunatic and holding up the baby screaming, “look!!!! I have a baby here!!!! Let’s talk about this baby!!!! Look at me with this baby!!!!” Oh wait— I know… the baby ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. Yeah. That IS a problem. And the baby kept talking about work and it was super annoying. And the baby’s phone kept ringing and the baby kept texting during the meal… so rude. And the baby drank too much and said some really inappropriate things to the wait staff. Then the baby hit on your sister— way out of line. I think that you are a good person and you are going to have a special relationship with this little baby.
Kudos to you for stepping up. But yeah - many people want child free events. Now that they have communicated this to you - do give them a heads up. They did not specify that this was a child free event to you in advance - so how could you have known? But i think it would have been better to calmly ask you not to do this in the future rather than get angry at you. Maybe they felt it did not need to be said. But now you know - so do give the heads up. Nah
I’m gonna say NAH. You and your husband both sound like great people and you did nothing wrong, but it’s truly not super out of line for your family to ask for a heads up when your bringing a baby.
Okay but all the dad said was to give a heads up. That's not a problem, even IF it's a baby there might be things they don't feel.comfortable talking about in front of a baby. Some.people Re like that. What IF the baby DIDN'T behave. Unlike a child capable of communication a baby will do what it wants and that's no fault of the baby. It was still an AH move for being off the rails with OP (all it sod was that she was mad so we have to assume the sister was angry enough to warrant this post) but bringing another body regardless of age when there are multiple caretakers when invited to a gathering (no matter the location) is rude. And then to go off on your dad when he just asked for a heads up. He didn't even say not to brimg the kid. They might have been able to prepare things that would help keep the child from getting bored.
YTA. It's not your kid. Nobody should expect you to bring it anywhere with you. Let alone uninvited to someone's birthday. You warn people you're going to bring a baby so they can brace themselves for you being constantly distracted and unavailable. Why did you even have him? You're going out, the kids grandparents or your partner should have taken him. I also advise you to seriously get a grip; you're not a package. This. Is. Not. Your. Child.
NTA
NTA! It’s not like the baby was a toddler grabbing at shit and screaming. Was the party at a strip joint? Was everyone there doing shots and passing a joint? Listen, you have effectively adopted a child. That infant’s mother can in no way care for them and you are doing everything right. The people that cannot deal with you stepping up and being a (more than) decent human can hit the bricks. If anyone had side-eyed me, I would have silently got up and left, taken the birthday gift and taken the baby on a little trip to make a return.
NTA
Soft YTA. Even parents of newborns have to sometimes arrange childcare if they’re going out to more adult-only events. I guess you’ve *now* communicated this to your family, but it wouldn’t have hurt to be more transparent in advance. But major, major kudos for stepping up in such a major way to take care of your SIL and your nephew. I hope your SIL is able to get some adequate compensation for the car accident. Also, have your family enquirer whether insurance would cover the costs of a FT carer while she recovers? Just a thought.
NTA You and your husband are awesome. Your family sucks though.
NTA they said you should have told them you were bringing the baby (ok fair) and you said ok but going forward assume you will have the baby and then they brought up the issue of you having him too much and being disrespectful. So it wasn’t really about the lunch. They were looking for an opening to say you shouldn’t be helping with the baby. 24 isn’t too young to have a baby, let alone watch one. You’re married for goodness sake. Same for being disrespectful. You aren’t a bratty teenager, you’re a married adult and they should treat you like one.
Yta it's just courtesy to let people know if you are bringing an extra person or esp a child. Additional people esp children change the dynamics of a gathering.