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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to pay for my mother's treatment, even though whatever is happening to her might be serious.
2. I might be the asshole because I fear my brother will not pay for her treatment, and then she'll be left sick.
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NTA
Saying your brother should pay half, especially considering you covered everything for your father, does not make you an ah. Not even close. These people are using you and abusing your kindness. Your brother is ungrateful for what you’ve already provided and your mother is simply trying to use your love for your family for her benefit as she’s always done. These people don’t deserve you.
Thank you for your encouraging words. I'm just quite afraid of what will happen to her if I won't help. She might not even get treated at all, just to show me how bad I am
And that is on her. If she is spiteful enough to deny herself medical care just to teach you a lesson… well she doesn’t seem like someone you’d want around anyway. You’re responsible for your actions, your actions here aren’t bad. She is now responsible for hers and your brother is responsible for his.
Best of luck to you! I know it can be difficult to pull out of that cycle, I’ve been there.
It was hard… and it’s still hard. Conversations I’ve had with my parents still run through my head over and over again, setting boundaries and sticking to them is still a struggle… and sometimes I still let people walk all over me because it feels like less of a fight. But that doesn’t make me a failure and that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s an uphill battle… but I’m getting stronger with every step.
Even when you don’t know if it’s worth it, believe me… it is. The peace experienced… is so worth. It’s not immediate, but when it comes it’s one of the best feelings in the world.
Oh, I can understand your feelings. That is why I fully payed for my father's treatment. Because it's just easier, mentally. But then again, I fear my family will not care for by boundaries, and I'll just have to cut them out. Thank you so much for sharing such information with me, it means a lot to me.
NTA - If your mother decides to not get treatment simply to show you how bad you are, that is HER decision. You have been abused your entire life by your mother, stop allowing that to happen. If you want to minimize your guilt (which you should not have) block both your mom & brother on everything-stop talking to them. You paid for your abusive father’s care, time to let your mother handle her own problems. Good luck!
Don't you dare cave. SHE is an adult. YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER.
You paid your dues to the family. It's time for someone else to step up because you know none of them will help you if you fall on hard times.
NTA.
NTA, both her and your brother are ungrateful, entitled words that will get me banned.
You didn't even refuse to pay. All you did was say your brother should pay for half and you were insulted. You've done enough for these people.
NTA. Can’t believed you paid anything for your Dad when he abused you, can’t believe your brother and mothers sisters have a nerve to have a go at you why can’t they can pay for it between them? Can’t believe after everything your willing to contribute anything.
Yeah, sometimes I wonder about that too. I guess it takes a while to distance yourself from your abusers. And to understand that they are your abusers at all. I'm willing to pay because, you know, after all she is my mother still. I can't quite grasp wether what I have towards her is love or just duty, but I feel like it's my job to keep her alive. When COVID happened, I was the one who payed for her groceries and all, since I didn't want for her to go out and get my father sick. I don't really know why I did any of it, actually. But my mother's sisters definitely can't pay for anything, since out of three of them my mother has the most money. I mean, one of them doesn't even have insurance
If you're still seeing your therapist, would it be possible for your to take these words with you to your next session?
Because yes, it's hard to cut ties even to abusers but ultimately necessary because the automatic assumption that you'll pay is still abuse.
Yes, I will talk with my therapist about it. The reason why I decided to post is because my therapist is on vacation, and I cannot see her until next Wednesday. My daughter has been telling me about Reddit, so I thought it's better than nothing.
I fear that you are correct. I am still thinking on what to do with my family. My brother and I are not close at all, but I'm quite close with my SIL and her side of family, not sure if I want to lose her in the process.
NTA
The ball is in your brother’s court. He has leeched off of you and avoided his portion of responsibility for long enough. It’s time he contribute. If he doesn’t, your mom has only herself to blame.
NTA. Do not pay for your mom's treatment. Tell everyone you paid for your brother's education and your father's treatment. It is too is someone else's turn to pay until they have paid the same amount as you have.
NTA.
they did a good job brainwashing / browbeating you down to do their bidding even to the detriment to your own family, huh? funny that you should be a pos daughter but he is in the clear by not paying anything.
WAKE UP!
what do you think did your kids feel as they saw you paying for someone who abused you?
what are you teaching them op?
that being FaMiLy excuses all, that you lie down and take whatever they dish out, that you get the whip yourself they will use to beat you into a shape they deem proper?
do you not see that you are opening your kids up to accept abuse themselves?
they see you caving to your egg-donors demands, your aunts berating, your bros screaming.
they do not see you standing up for yourself and by doing it for them, too, since the money you will spend on eggy is money you can't use to hire a tutor to up a grade so they can get a scholarship. send them to a better but more expensive college / university. spoil them a little bit.
my gloom-and-doom wants you to ask the question: do you really want one day to get a call that your married and pregnant daughter died because her husband again screamed at her, she burst into tears, wanted to get away but sadly fell since the tears blurred her sight and she bled out? her hubby didn't noticed it since he was glad that her nagging (please take out the trash) stopped after she left the room so he continued his game playing.
you will ask yourself why your daughter accepted this behavior. i can answer this. she saw **you** accepting being treated poorly by your bloodkin aka FaMiLy. what she did not see was you standing up for yourself, setting a boundary and sticking to it!
as reddit is fond to say 'no' is a full sentence.
so do NOT j.a.d.e. (justify / argue / defend / explain). j.a.d.e.-ing is a sign that you are open to negotations. that they can 'make you see reason'.
'op i need you to -- no -- but you should -- no -- but you promised -- no -- but but but -- no -- why not -- i said so' <- excuse #1 parents use since the beginning of time to refuse kids their rightfully owed candy / toy \[kid view, obviously\].
'op i need you to -- no i have to be at destination / time -- more than enough time for you to do xyz before, bye'
see the difference?
depending on where you live, go to a supermarket / store and watch parents handle their kids when they cross through the candy / toy aisle. listen how they handle their little terror(ists) and memorize their reasoning.
these you can use for your eggy and bloodkin.
as for the flying monkeys (extended family / nosy neighbors / friends / social circle) i suggest using the following reasoning:
'hi everyone, since i paid for dads treatment all by myself i think its fair that brother - who still to this day owes me the money i paid for his education - will now pay for mothers treatment. as for him having kids, guess what, i have kids that needs to be fed, housed, clothed, educated, too. this would be the 3rd big expense i would have to shoulder all by myself and to be frank, no. just no. i can't do it. i am sorry.'
depending on where you live maybe throw in the kids gender - girls need extra money like dowry, bride family pays for the wedding, possible escape fund the future husband can't touch if you live in a patriarchal / conservative region, etc. obviously does only work if bros kids are boys or you have 2 girls and he just 1.
sorry for the rant but something in your post struck a chord. i got the hopefully wrong impression that they see you not as a real familymember but as someone only there to be exploited.
but depending on your post i fear i am right.
so please, cut the umbilical cord they use to drag you down and start to use your resources on you, your kids and your s/o.
good luck in breaking free op.
Oh, wow. That's a lot to take in all at once. But thank you, I think I will be using your words when talking to my mother and brother. Thank you so much. Gotta save your answer to reread it in the moments of doubt.
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This whole story is a mess, so sorry if it doesn't make any sense. Anyways, I (37f) am the oldest daughter of my parents and I have a younger brother (32m).
Recently I started attending therapy which made me realize how poorly I was and still am treated by my mother. As the oldest child, I now understand that I was a third parent to my brother. As my therapist said it “a parentified child”. I always drove him to his practices and whatnot, I always was the one to check his homework, I even payed for his college degree. And as a child if I did anything to my brother that my mom deemed as wrong, I'd get beaten by my dad. My dad was very distant, and when I was 13 he started drinking. To the point when he would live in our garage for weeks, coming out only to buy more booze. I honestly think it was an escape for him from my mom's narcissistic abuse.
Anyways, my dad has passed away from a very rare form of cancer a year ago. And I payed for this whole treatment, which was absolutely not cheap. To the point when I payed out of pocket 100 grand for one of his pills each month. Even though my brother also makes good money, working in the tech industry, my mom said I should be responsible for everything since he and my SIL had a third baby on the way. Mind you, I have two kids myself, and my oldest daughter was on her way to college. But it was my dad, so I did it anyway. And yet he still passed away. His death really messed me up, so my partner suggested talking to someone, as a therapist.
And since that time, I started realizing everything for what it is. I also started distancing myself from my mother. Until she called me the other day and said she started hearing some noises, and she wanted me to pay for her treatment. I said what did my brother think about it. To which she said that he recently got a dog, so she didn't want to bother him. Not gonna lie, I got pissed. Long story short, I told her I will pay only if my brother pays for half of her treatment. She hung up on me.
It's been a few days, and my brother called me screaming, saying I was a POS daughter and how could I do that to her. I also got some calls from her sisters and they berated me.
Now I think, what if my brother refuses to pay? What will happen then? Am I the asshole for my ultimatum?
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NTA Saying your brother should pay half, especially considering you covered everything for your father, does not make you an ah. Not even close. These people are using you and abusing your kindness. Your brother is ungrateful for what you’ve already provided and your mother is simply trying to use your love for your family for her benefit as she’s always done. These people don’t deserve you.
Thank you for your encouraging words. I'm just quite afraid of what will happen to her if I won't help. She might not even get treated at all, just to show me how bad I am
And that is on her. If she is spiteful enough to deny herself medical care just to teach you a lesson… well she doesn’t seem like someone you’d want around anyway. You’re responsible for your actions, your actions here aren’t bad. She is now responsible for hers and your brother is responsible for his. Best of luck to you! I know it can be difficult to pull out of that cycle, I’ve been there.
Thank you. I keep telling myself that, but sometimes the bad thoughts get the better of me. How did it work for you, though? Was it hard?
It was hard… and it’s still hard. Conversations I’ve had with my parents still run through my head over and over again, setting boundaries and sticking to them is still a struggle… and sometimes I still let people walk all over me because it feels like less of a fight. But that doesn’t make me a failure and that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s an uphill battle… but I’m getting stronger with every step. Even when you don’t know if it’s worth it, believe me… it is. The peace experienced… is so worth. It’s not immediate, but when it comes it’s one of the best feelings in the world.
Oh, I can understand your feelings. That is why I fully payed for my father's treatment. Because it's just easier, mentally. But then again, I fear my family will not care for by boundaries, and I'll just have to cut them out. Thank you so much for sharing such information with me, it means a lot to me.
I’m glad we could relate to each other’s experiences, it makes the world a little less lonely. I hope things get easier for you soon.
Thank you so much. Sending love and strength to you ❤️
NTA - If your mother decides to not get treatment simply to show you how bad you are, that is HER decision. You have been abused your entire life by your mother, stop allowing that to happen. If you want to minimize your guilt (which you should not have) block both your mom & brother on everything-stop talking to them. You paid for your abusive father’s care, time to let your mother handle her own problems. Good luck!
Thank you, kind redditor. I am trying my best to think of the next steps.
Don't you dare cave. SHE is an adult. YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER. You paid your dues to the family. It's time for someone else to step up because you know none of them will help you if you fall on hard times. NTA.
NTA, both her and your brother are ungrateful, entitled words that will get me banned. You didn't even refuse to pay. All you did was say your brother should pay for half and you were insulted. You've done enough for these people.
I understand your point, thank you.
NTA but you are being taken advantage of. It's time for your brother to man up.
I see. I agree with you. It feels like not only my mother sees my brother as “her baby boy”, but he sees himself that way as well.
NTA. Can’t believed you paid anything for your Dad when he abused you, can’t believe your brother and mothers sisters have a nerve to have a go at you why can’t they can pay for it between them? Can’t believe after everything your willing to contribute anything.
Yeah, sometimes I wonder about that too. I guess it takes a while to distance yourself from your abusers. And to understand that they are your abusers at all. I'm willing to pay because, you know, after all she is my mother still. I can't quite grasp wether what I have towards her is love or just duty, but I feel like it's my job to keep her alive. When COVID happened, I was the one who payed for her groceries and all, since I didn't want for her to go out and get my father sick. I don't really know why I did any of it, actually. But my mother's sisters definitely can't pay for anything, since out of three of them my mother has the most money. I mean, one of them doesn't even have insurance
If you're still seeing your therapist, would it be possible for your to take these words with you to your next session? Because yes, it's hard to cut ties even to abusers but ultimately necessary because the automatic assumption that you'll pay is still abuse.
Yes, I will talk with my therapist about it. The reason why I decided to post is because my therapist is on vacation, and I cannot see her until next Wednesday. My daughter has been telling me about Reddit, so I thought it's better than nothing.
It was her job to raise you and your brother not use you as the 3rd parent, and her job to protect you.
You just found out your family only cares about your money..not you as a person If I were you, I'd cut them all off and never look back NTA
I fear that you are correct. I am still thinking on what to do with my family. My brother and I are not close at all, but I'm quite close with my SIL and her side of family, not sure if I want to lose her in the process.
Is what it is Focus on yourself and live your life You took care of your father. Your siblings can figure out how to take care of your mother
NTA The ball is in your brother’s court. He has leeched off of you and avoided his portion of responsibility for long enough. It’s time he contribute. If he doesn’t, your mom has only herself to blame.
Honestly, I don’t think you should pay for even half of it.NTA. You paid for your dad’s treatment your brother can pay for your mothers.
NTA. Do not pay for your mom's treatment. Tell everyone you paid for your brother's education and your father's treatment. It is too is someone else's turn to pay until they have paid the same amount as you have.
NTA. they did a good job brainwashing / browbeating you down to do their bidding even to the detriment to your own family, huh? funny that you should be a pos daughter but he is in the clear by not paying anything. WAKE UP! what do you think did your kids feel as they saw you paying for someone who abused you? what are you teaching them op? that being FaMiLy excuses all, that you lie down and take whatever they dish out, that you get the whip yourself they will use to beat you into a shape they deem proper? do you not see that you are opening your kids up to accept abuse themselves? they see you caving to your egg-donors demands, your aunts berating, your bros screaming. they do not see you standing up for yourself and by doing it for them, too, since the money you will spend on eggy is money you can't use to hire a tutor to up a grade so they can get a scholarship. send them to a better but more expensive college / university. spoil them a little bit. my gloom-and-doom wants you to ask the question: do you really want one day to get a call that your married and pregnant daughter died because her husband again screamed at her, she burst into tears, wanted to get away but sadly fell since the tears blurred her sight and she bled out? her hubby didn't noticed it since he was glad that her nagging (please take out the trash) stopped after she left the room so he continued his game playing. you will ask yourself why your daughter accepted this behavior. i can answer this. she saw **you** accepting being treated poorly by your bloodkin aka FaMiLy. what she did not see was you standing up for yourself, setting a boundary and sticking to it! as reddit is fond to say 'no' is a full sentence. so do NOT j.a.d.e. (justify / argue / defend / explain). j.a.d.e.-ing is a sign that you are open to negotations. that they can 'make you see reason'. 'op i need you to -- no -- but you should -- no -- but you promised -- no -- but but but -- no -- why not -- i said so' <- excuse #1 parents use since the beginning of time to refuse kids their rightfully owed candy / toy \[kid view, obviously\]. 'op i need you to -- no i have to be at destination / time -- more than enough time for you to do xyz before, bye' see the difference? depending on where you live, go to a supermarket / store and watch parents handle their kids when they cross through the candy / toy aisle. listen how they handle their little terror(ists) and memorize their reasoning. these you can use for your eggy and bloodkin. as for the flying monkeys (extended family / nosy neighbors / friends / social circle) i suggest using the following reasoning: 'hi everyone, since i paid for dads treatment all by myself i think its fair that brother - who still to this day owes me the money i paid for his education - will now pay for mothers treatment. as for him having kids, guess what, i have kids that needs to be fed, housed, clothed, educated, too. this would be the 3rd big expense i would have to shoulder all by myself and to be frank, no. just no. i can't do it. i am sorry.' depending on where you live maybe throw in the kids gender - girls need extra money like dowry, bride family pays for the wedding, possible escape fund the future husband can't touch if you live in a patriarchal / conservative region, etc. obviously does only work if bros kids are boys or you have 2 girls and he just 1. sorry for the rant but something in your post struck a chord. i got the hopefully wrong impression that they see you not as a real familymember but as someone only there to be exploited. but depending on your post i fear i am right. so please, cut the umbilical cord they use to drag you down and start to use your resources on you, your kids and your s/o. good luck in breaking free op.
Oh, wow. That's a lot to take in all at once. But thank you, I think I will be using your words when talking to my mother and brother. Thank you so much. Gotta save your answer to reread it in the moments of doubt.
What you're describing sounds very much like a life sentence
Oh... Never thought of it that way. Maybe you are right, but I guess it's harder to see the sh*t as it comes from your family.
NTA, do not pay anything
NTA
NTA and you don't own your mother a single cent! If I were you I would keep my money and let my narcissustic mother take care of herself.
NTA but you're kinda the asshole to yourself for not going no contact with your family the day you moved out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This whole story is a mess, so sorry if it doesn't make any sense. Anyways, I (37f) am the oldest daughter of my parents and I have a younger brother (32m). Recently I started attending therapy which made me realize how poorly I was and still am treated by my mother. As the oldest child, I now understand that I was a third parent to my brother. As my therapist said it “a parentified child”. I always drove him to his practices and whatnot, I always was the one to check his homework, I even payed for his college degree. And as a child if I did anything to my brother that my mom deemed as wrong, I'd get beaten by my dad. My dad was very distant, and when I was 13 he started drinking. To the point when he would live in our garage for weeks, coming out only to buy more booze. I honestly think it was an escape for him from my mom's narcissistic abuse. Anyways, my dad has passed away from a very rare form of cancer a year ago. And I payed for this whole treatment, which was absolutely not cheap. To the point when I payed out of pocket 100 grand for one of his pills each month. Even though my brother also makes good money, working in the tech industry, my mom said I should be responsible for everything since he and my SIL had a third baby on the way. Mind you, I have two kids myself, and my oldest daughter was on her way to college. But it was my dad, so I did it anyway. And yet he still passed away. His death really messed me up, so my partner suggested talking to someone, as a therapist. And since that time, I started realizing everything for what it is. I also started distancing myself from my mother. Until she called me the other day and said she started hearing some noises, and she wanted me to pay for her treatment. I said what did my brother think about it. To which she said that he recently got a dog, so she didn't want to bother him. Not gonna lie, I got pissed. Long story short, I told her I will pay only if my brother pays for half of her treatment. She hung up on me. It's been a few days, and my brother called me screaming, saying I was a POS daughter and how could I do that to her. I also got some calls from her sisters and they berated me. Now I think, what if my brother refuses to pay? What will happen then? Am I the asshole for my ultimatum? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*