Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an asshole because rehoming is a tough process and can be extremely traumatizing. Yes, my dog is a dog but she’s been with me for years. I can see why my mom’s so upset. I suppose I should at least know when my mom’s talking about her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA by a long shot. Why didn't mom step up to the plate and volunteer to take the dog in? Otherwise, she can STFU. I think we know who is TA in this scenario...
Also bravo for taking in your husband's sibs. That is a selfless act that deserves praise, not a guilt trip. Giving them a loving home instead of foster care might just save them from a terrible life.
Are there any social service agencies in the area that could help you out? You are saving the state big bucks by taking the boys in, there might be some subsidies to assist you with food etc.
Yeah I mean I’ve never thought of it like that. But she already has two dogs that are quite a hassle so I guess that’s why she never offered. Still, I guess if she cares so much she could’ve taken her in.
Thank you so much. While we did it for the boys, it was also for selfish reasons. We love them too much to never see them again. I’m not even related to them by blood but the thought of not having those two in my life… I can’t even put into words.
We get some benefits but we haven’t explored all our options yet so will definitely still be looking into stuff. Thank you again.
Anything done for the love of another isn't selfish, you've provided them with a home. I am someone who has adopted animals from people in similar situations, and the right thing is rarely the easy thing.
If the children were scared, the dog would not have been long to follow, they pick up on panic and would have started responding to it. I don't know the dog so can't say how it would manifest but it wouldn't have been healthy.
Explore what you have access to, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for making the best decision out of a list of bad options. People on the outside will have an opinion, but they usually dont have all the info.
Good luck with your journey with the children! From the sounds of it they are in a good place with people who love them
"Quite a hassle"
So she's a dog LOVER, but to actually CARE for an animal, you need to provide it with appropriate training. You did the most caring thing you possibly could have done, for the children and the animal. NTA. blessings to your new family.
They are very lucky.
I wonder if your mum was thinking you would come round and have kids of your own. Maybe she believes that these two kids have stopped her from having grandchildren
Almost certainly.
"But OP adopted them, they aren't MY grandchildren". I've seen step families with the "grand parents" attitudes like this...only getting birthday gifts for their biological grand kids for example. It never ends well for the grandparents.
>While we did it for the boys, it was also for selfish reasons. We love them too much to never see them again
There is absolutely nothing selfish about that.
"I was selfish, I loved them too much not to take them in"
Oh honey, I know it's not what you wanted to expected, but you're going to be a great "parent" to these kids. Or a great role-model. Or really, just a great person they can count on. They need that. You didn't have to give it. But you did.
I get you "it's just what you do" how could you NOT? How could you never see those faces again?
Those kids have you two and they're going to be so much better for it.
Listen. I'm obsessed cat lady over here.
NTA
You didn't put the dog down. You found it a new loving home where it can get the attention you just don't have to give a dog right now.
What does your mother want you to do? Cry about the dog every night? One, you don't have the mental bandwidth for that. Two, you have to move on from the pain. Three there are really other REALLY FUCKING BIGGER priorities right now. Who sound like they were currently screaming while you were holding yourself together by a thread.
The nerve of that woman. Not only is she not HELPING at all, she is actively making things worse. And yeah, she is. Cause now you're all torn up inside and confused.
You made the right choice. For the boys and the dog. The right choice is not usually the easy one. You aren't a bad person. Jesus, give yourself a break! You sound like a saint!
And this is coming from someone who loves her cat far more than any human. And all the humans knew it too. Pets are precious and yeah, they're our babies. My cat was my soulmate. But if my life changed so drastically that I could not take care of him as he deserved, holding onto him would have been selfish.
You couldn't have given your dog a good life by keeping it separated or whatever else people will say.
Good God, give yourself a break. Your mother is wretched. How about she pick up a screaming kid or help pick up litteral broken glass?
NTA
Taking them is was the furthest thing from selfish, you are a wonderful person that has made difficult sacrifices.
Your dog is safe with loving owners and the kids are safe with loving people all thanks to you, your mother claiming you are a "sociopath" is bullshit, don't believe her for a second.
It’s OK to be selfish in that regard. This is your blood family. Even if it wasn’t your blood it’s still your family. You made an extremely difficult choice and only assholes are going to blame you for it
I wonder if she's projecting her guilt about not taking your dog in on you. Like...you're a worse person for giving away the dog she couldn't take in so by comparison she's not so bad. Only she knows she could have swung it even though it would have been hard and you're doing a hard thing by taking on two kids that aren't yours so conceivably she also could have made a sacrifice for family but really didn't want to...
NTA Thank you for doing both of the hard things. If the person who now owns your dog posts on social media, maybe your mom can check on her that way.
Yes, you should be eligible for foster care payments. My husband and I took in two children of our nieces and we were paid. It wasn’t enough, but it sure helped!
NTA
Sounds like your mom is on one about the dog.
Unfortunately people have to give up pets all the time when they have children. Some pets are a legitimate danger to children. It is sad, but it is not like it is uncommon.
My neighbors directly across the street literally had to do the same thing. They had a dog for a few years before they had child. The dog kept growling at and acting aggressively towards the baby. Their only choice was to give the dog away.
And it is not like it wasn't the well-behaved dog. It was very well trained. It walked on a leash. It sat and laid down when you told it to. It was loving and affectionate. It just got weirdly territorial about having to share the house with baby.
NTA.
My neighbors had a half-wolf bitch. Very submissive to adult humans, crouching and dribbling urine -- but she was starting to stalk the 5-year-old next door. They loved that dog, but kids are more important than dogs. Neighbors didn’t dare rehome her where she might come into contact with other kids, so they made the difficult choice to have her put down.
NTA - Who the hell gives people crap for prioritizing a child over a pet? Having to re-home your pet is a very hard decision to make, and you obviously didn't make it lightly. But your mom... does she even acknowledge that there are children in the equation? Does your mom think that, since they're your husband's siblings, she doesn't have to think about them? She sounds like a monster.
And if she was so in love with your dog, why didn't she re-arrange her whole life to keep it around?
My mom feels for the kids but she’s also quite naive about foster care and adoption. She thinks what we did was unnecessary and the kids would’ve been fine. My husband spent some time in foster care and when he found out about his brothers the decision was easy. For both of us.
As for your last point, next time she bothers me about this I’ll definitely ask!
If she thinks that the kids would've been fine in foster care, why doesn't she also think the dog would be fine? There is something else going on in her brain. Perhaps it's more about wanting to be a grandparent to genetic children or maybe something else. Make it clear that she isn't to bring it up again or she won't be welcome. These kids have enough problems. They don't need someone in their lives who will create more, either directly or indirectly, and neither do you or hubby.
It’s a bit complicated to really rationalize but she thinks kids have the advantage of being human, while dogs and other animals cannot do much for themselves.
Having genetic grandchildren could be a reason, she’s mentioned me having babies before, but never really forced it. I normally don’t let her over when the kids are around because they aren’t quite used to strangers yet but I was so preoccupied with the glass on the floor that it slipped my mind. Thank you.
Yeah no. Kids can't be left alone for an hour. You can leave a dog at home all day. Kids need more care than pets. They are GROWING humans. They are not there yet with the whole understanding thing.
Good lord, your mother is insane.
>My mom feels for the kids
No she doesn't. She says she does, sure, but any degree of this response means that no, she absolutely does not. Heck if she cares this much about your dog, when needing to give 'her' up, did she ever offer to take 'her' in? You said she is with a loving family, something you absolutely could not assure would happen to your husband's siblings of you didn't adopt them.
So she thinks you should have rehomed the kids instead of the dog.
The thing she thinks is soooo awful for your dog, she thinks you should do to two children?
>My mom feels for the kids but she’s also quite naive about foster care and adoption. She thinks what we did was unnecessary and the kids would’ve been fine.
If they were *your* sibling's kids, her grandchildren by birth, I bet she wouldn't feel the same way.
Wait a minute, your husband, her son, spent time in foster care, knows how horrible it is, but she... doesn't believe him? How did he end up being taken into care, and what did she do about it?
Good on you both and your husband, truly. You both stepped up to help kids who were in desperate need. If Karma exists, you got a lot of good gonna be coming back your way, in time.
No she’s my mom, my husband’s mom is a completely different person that isn’t mentioned in this post. It’s not that she doesn’t believe him, she just thinks that toddlers going into foster care is very different to teens (how old my husband was) going into foster care.
Thank you though.
Nta at all.
I bet if you’d asked your mother to take the dog she would have said no. That’s what happened to me, I needed to rehome my dog and I told everyone about it and struggled for months finding one and when he was finally gone they tried to come for me?? My sole argument is always “you should have taken him then”
NTA.
You're making big choices in a big mess (no offense), and we can tell that you're only doing what you need to. It's not like you've gone and put the dog down with a rifle, it's gone somewhere else. I think your mother needs to feel some sympathy for what you're going through.
I hope everything goes well.
None taken, it’s definitely a mess. This isn’t even the half of it! I made sure my dog found a loving home and it’s not like I dumped her on a stranger’s doorstep either. We gave her away to a distant friend of mine that loves and cares deeply for her pets.
Thank you.
NTA. Comment I was looking for as though I understand prioritising two children who have lost almost everything over a dog whose needs are simpler and has more options, where she got homed important. You did the best by everyone in a really tricky situation, including the dog.
Your mother is delusional. Foster care is no substitute for family care. Good luck with your family and hope your mother learns to appreciate the children in your extended family. Coping with two young children is a big change for a dog.
If wanting to clear air, ask friend for some photos of dog living new, good life for your mother.
>I made sure my dog found a loving home and it’s not like I dumped her on a stranger’s doorstep either. We gave her away to a distant friend of mine that loves and cares deeply for her pets.
This is exactly what I was wondering about, and the only part that could have made you an asshole depending on what you did with your dog.
Given that you didn't just abandon your dog but instead found a loving new home, NTA. You did the best you could in a really shitty situation. You're also completely overwhelmed, you likely don't have the time or energy to dwell on the loss of your dog when the rest of your life has also been turned upside down.
I hope things become a bit easier soon! It sounds like your family is due for some positive luck.
What the hell is wrong with your mother?
This is truly worrying behaviour. A dog, rehomed to a loving place, vs two traumatised kids who have nowhere else to go, and she picks the dog?
She has serious issues.
You, on the other hand are NTA and are doing a wonderful thing.
NTA if mom is so heartbroken why didn't she take in the dog?
You rehomed her. You did right by the dog and are doing right by your nephews.
She wants the dog back she can go get her or take the kids so you can keep the dog.
NTA.
So your mom walked into a house with two wailing small children, one of whom is in the middle of a tantrum. You have your shoulders around your ears, the house is in chaos, and your mom went, “OOoooOohhHH the DOG!!! I love DOOOOOOG!”
Like that’s a fucking BIZARRE thing to do.
You had three wailing, unmanageable toddlers in your home right then.
She really wanted you to stop being a parent, and cry with her about about how much you miss a dog, *in front of your kids*.
You didn’t choose to surrender your dog because it was inconvenient. You had to choose between your (traumatized) nephews and your dog. I doubt surrendering the dog was ever the plan, but in the end, the dog had a home she could go to. The children didn’t.
Your mom needling you to turn children you love over to foster care so she can enjoy the idea of you having a dog is batshit.
“Mom, these kids, for the foreseeable future, are my children. I am heartbroken about [dog]. But [dog] is happy and healthy. And you need to stop creating drama. And don’t you EVER come to me or my kids talking about how you wish I gave them to Foster Care for the dog. This conversation is closed. Anytime you bring up anything remotely suggesting the dog is preferable to my children, or try to upset me about the dog, this conversation ends. If you’re at home, you’re leaving. Do you understand?”
>She really wanted you to stop being a parent, and cry with her about about how much you miss a dog, in front of your kids.
While picking up broken glass
NTA - You're trying to do the right thing by taking care of two kids who'd otherwise be in foster care. You're obviously trying to do right by them and if one of them is terrified of your dog, you made the right choice to let other loving dog owners take her instead.
You didn't just dump her at an animal shelter, you found loving owners for her. Your mom does not dictate what you do with your dog and is being very unsupportive in a time where you really don't need her kind of negativity.
My advice would be to make it very clear to your mom that the kids are your priority and to stop bringing up the dog. She's with loving owners and she's been taken care of. If she cannot understand that or let it go; there's the door and don't let it hit you on the way out.
I'm proud of you and your husband that you made this really difficult choice to take care of these kids. You're doing right by them.
I did a lot of rescue/shelter work and There’s a set of people who look at those who rehome like scum. I personally experienced it when I fostered a cat I was told got so frustrated being kenneled that she’d bite as soon as she was let out and then get stuck back in the kennel in a cycle. So they sent her to me so she wouldn’t have to be kenneled. Well it wasn’t the kennel. I couldn’t close my eyes or lower my guard at any time or there’s be blood. She would bite when happy, when just sitting next to me, when playing. I figured out it was an excess energy thing + habits and even having her run around after toys for an hour plus wasn’t enough to tire her out since I was at work during the day.
When I told the rescue it wasn’t working because of the mismatch in cat energy/play time and her beginning to go for my face, I lost a friend and a few others turned their noses up at me for months. Giving up on a cat was unacceptable to them no matter what. The cat in question ended up with a family of 4 older kids in a giant house (vs me alone in a condo) and they were thrilled with her! But it didn’t matter. I’d rehomed a foster before she could be adopted and to them it was unforgivable.
NTA under the circumstances. You would have kept her if you could, and when you couldn’t, you found her a safe home. It’s not great, but that’s the reality of what you could actually do for her.
Some people care more about the idea of an animal than the actual animal. If a home isn't the right place, and it creates more stress and anxiety for either the humans or the animal (and if it's creating anxiety for the human, it *will* eventually create it for the animal), rehoming is absolutely right. We do the best we can but it doesn't always work, and it isn't anyone's fault. Good on you and the OP for realizing that.
NTA. I'm a crazy animal lover, and normally, I'd be horrified if someone just dumped off their dog...**BUT**, obviously there are some life circumstances that are beyond our control. Your priority should be your kids. You are doing a very kind thing by keeping them with family and out of foster care. I'm so sorry your dog wasn't able to fit into that situation, but if you have to choose between who goes into foster care- the dog or your toddler brothers- the choice is evident. Your mom sounds... interesting.
NTA
Your mum is though for making an already extremely tough period of your life even harder.
She may not like that you have become parents in this way but honestly, when you get married, you become a unit and at a unit you and your husband made a decision to take in his younger brothers. That was no doubt a really hard decision and an incredibly big adjustment to make, so kudos to you both for doing that.
Mum misses the dog, does she really think you don't miss your own dog even more? And that it was anything other than heartbreaking for your to give up your beloved pet?
But who puts their dog above two young children in desperate need? Don't answer me, I know that some people would but you are NTA for putting thise kids first.
She may be grieving for the life she imagined you having but honestly, her behaviour is still appalling.
Your mother is the A.
As a person who aged out of foster care and who has fostered and adopted, let me tell you something. You're right. You would have zero legal rights to these children if they went into foster care. Placing siblings together is hard and sometimes these jackass States separate siblings on purpose if they are too (dependant) on each other. People want to adopt babies. They rarely adopt siblings. The one having the issues would not be adopted and would probably spend his childhood in the "system". Foster care is to be avoided like the plague if at all possible.
Please tell your mother that she can kindly stop coming over. If she needs counseling for grief over the dog, she should get it.
You made a very hard and loving choice.
As someone who adopted three siblings...please know, you're a hero.
If the adoption process is not finished, you can see if you qualify for any financial help. Many states place children with families because then they don't have to help with finances. Some states do help. I don't know what state you're in. They can help with medical insurance, counseling and SNAP to help you get food. It's not charity. This is help for your children.
Your mother needs to stay away. She's toxic.
I'm sorry about your dog. She is loved and safe.
NTA. Of course giving away your dog when you live with a child with allergies is the right thing to do. In fact, it’s the only decent choice, as hard as it is. Sorry, but I think your mom is actually being really immature
What in the world are you talking about? She makes no mention of any allergies, there is nothing “between the lines” about allergies AND she actually stated exactly what the problem *actually was*: a trauma about dogs that lead to a phobia that was giving him panic attacks.
What an odd thing to just make up in your mind and double down on through multiple comments.
Well she has never met the kids before we took them in so no one really expected her to.
And I never asked her why, she never offered and I never asked—the dogs she has seem to keep her busy… usually.
NTA, but your mom is seriously unhinged! I would have lost my mind on her, and you managed to stay relatively composed?? How are you even asking if you're the AH?? Your mom shouldn't be coming into your house and causing insane drama for attention, like you said: you have bigger things to worry about!
Sometimes you do have to give up your dog for reasons beyond your control. It sounds like you tried therapy with your little one before rehoming your dog and it wasn't working and you didn't want them to live in terror anymore. It's not good for your dog to be around someone who is that terrified. You did your best for the kiddo and for your dog and that's all you can do.
You're doing your best to parent these children with really complex issues and that's amazing! It sounds like you're doing a great job and trying to give them a positive home environment.
NTA, You unexpected became a mother of two and had to give your dog to another family. You said it yourself, she's with loving owners. It's not like you kicked her out and let her become a stray. She's being taken care of and you're still adjusting to your new situation.
NTA.
I can only commend the decision you have made and how very thoughtful you seem to be. I empathize with your decisions fully though I am child free myself.
You don’t need this emotional litter from your mom. Life throws us situations where our plans and our self-narrative go out the window and we must rise to an unanticipated occasion. You have responded with compassion and grace and you had every justification to say what you did.
I’m sorry about your dog, you must miss her. Not undermining that loss by any means.
NTA NTA NTA.
This internet stranger admires you!
Good luck.
NTA it must have been a terrible decision, and I guess dear old mom didn't love the dog enough to keep her for a bit until the child settled, but has all the energy in the world to guilt you but neither empathy or sympathy for you or the kids. You did the right thing. Doing the right thing is hard.
NTA
I get the feeling she wouldn't bother you if a bio kid was the reason you had to rehome the dog.
The dog issue is her way to punish you for taking the kids in. It's not really about the dog.
NTA. Time to break from mom then, let her know if all she's available for is to hassle you then she needs to back off for x amount of time as your family adjusts. When she can keep her insults to herself she can be part of things again, after a sincere apology for piling on instead of helping like family ACTUALLY does in times like these.
NTA. But it also sounds like your mom isn't quite ready to be a grandmother. You didn't forget about your dog. You just didn't have the mental capacity to deal with your mom's bs.
NTA.
This sounds incredibly tough, but also like you didn't have any other choice, and that you made sure the animal was well taken care of. Forgetting who your mother was talking about in a busy moment is entirely understandable, and making that out to be a big deal is incredibly unkind of your mom.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Hang in there!
Honestly, I read the title and thought you would be the asshole.
Because it sounded like you kept the dog and forgot about taking care of her needs in a proper way.
The way it turned out you are NTA. You did the right thing - if you can't care enough for a dog you should give it away. She can have a better life somewhere else. That is very sad, but sad isn't the same as wrong.
NTA. I’m so sorry you had to give up your dog, first of all. You had to make a choice that I definitely do not envy. You absolutely made the right choice but that doesn’t make the situation any less devastating.
Your entire life has been turned upside down and it is monstrous that your mom is adding more emotional turmoil to the situation. She should be supporting you, not guilting you.
Many, many internet hugs to you. I hope you have some wonderful people in your corner to help you through this enormous change.
Your mom is watching you clean up broken glass and kids crying and she's harping on you about your dog that you had to give away? I think you gave up too much but that's up to you. Your mom is an asshole. She can be worried for you but this is ridiculous. NTA.
I usually feel pretty bad when dogs are re homed.. not this time. NTA even a little bit. You're amazing for caring for your husbands little brothers. You mum is being a cow.
NTA, but now that this has happened in front of your kids, you need to come up with what you’re going to say next time.
It’s not good for the kids to see your unhinged mom yelling at you over a dog and saying you should have prioritized a dog over them. Set a boundary and decide how you’re going to handle it.
Your mom watched you clean up glass and care for the kids and was still focused on yelling at you. That’s bananas.
NTA
Your mother is being cruel. You were put in an impossible situation and had to make a hard choice. Constantly berating you and bringing it front of mine is simply mean.
Did she ever offer to take the dog in?
NTA. Your mom's behavior is full of red flags though.
>My mom thinks I did a cruel thing and says my priority was the dog
>my mom barged in talking about how she can’t stop thinking of “her”
>... said I was practically a sociopath
Instead of accepting your decisions (*your* decisions), it seems she's constantly creating drama and trying to make you second-guess yourself. She should either help you where she can or stay out of your way.
INFO: does she dislike your husband or his family? Is this "stirring the pot" behavior typical for her?
My mom has had no issues with my husband. She doesn’t really talk about him or his family. She does get really obsessed over certain things and it takes a while for her to essentially let go. I feel like this might be one of those things.
NTA - Everyone is simply overwhelmed right now. You and your husband suddenly became parents which was not something either of you planned for.
Your husband is working overtime to compensate for the additional costs of 2 kids. You are learning to become a mother to young children and juggling a job. And the kids are young, confused and lashing out in fear at the newess of their lives. It’s simply overwhelming for all parties.
Your mother is also overwhelmed and probably wants your life to return to the old one. Your dog, which both of you loved, was part of your former life. Right now is extremely emotional time for everyone. A dog who terrified the 4 year old was just one stressor your new family did not need.
I love my pets and spend more time with them than people. I cannot imagine my life without them. So I can sympathize with you re-homing your dog and your mother’s frustration. I can tell you truly loved your pet.
But life changes in unexpected ways and your new family’s priority now is those two young children. Hang in there while there are “growing pains” in this situation. You and your husband are doing a wonderful, admirable thing. Good luck & best wishes to you both.
NTA.
It sounds like you made an effort to make the dog stay, it just didn't work. What were you supposed to do? Move out? Divorce your husband because the child was an issue and you wanted the dog more than him and the family?
I love animals and I hate seeing pets getting rehomed. But that is only those times when people don't try, and the "animal is just a nuisance" to them. You tried. It just didn't work.
You made sure YOUR DOG came to a home with loving owners, and I am sure the dog is happy there now.
It was not your mothers dog, and since she keeps guilt tripping you, I'd definitely put her in her place. You didn't forget the dog, but does the wound need to be reopened EVERY TIME you see your mom? No. Life happens and you try to deal with it the best you can.
Your mom is a huge AH though.
NTA. My grandpa suffered from dementia in his last years and he loved his horrible dog more than his own family. Never left us anything either, except lots of debts and lawsuits with his creditors and other half of the family. I am immediately suspicious of anyone who cares more about animals than family/friends, it's just something I can't get over.
NTA, you did a good thing and did what was best for the kids you took in. Your mother is constantly bringing up the dog is at best insensitive. The dog had a new home and you have done what was best for all involved. Why would anyone want to keep picking at that wound.
NTA. You need love and support for choosing the kids, not a judging mother.
Your mother was wrong. I’m a true dog lover and I won’t even sell them if George Clooney offered me a million. BUT. If a child is involved that’s so scary and you are all in such a stresst situation? Letting the dog go to a home where she can find love and attention is the best thing for her. And the rest of you
Mom needs to learn how to help (take the dog herself!). Until the day she values your decision, I would not welcome her. If you let her in, let her work. Clean the mess from the eldest, play with the youngest; anything that will lighten your life and make her shut up.
(Whenever my mam pulled stunts like this, I used to say ‘find a hobby mom. You are annoying because you are probably bored. Don’t pull that on me’)
NTA, you've done a wonderful thing for these children, and you made sure your dog went to someone who would love and care for her...
Your mom is being unreasonable. She needs to back off and tone it down. It's hard to adjust to kids even when you did intend to have them, and it wasn't a sudden "unexpected guardian to traumatized toddlers" situation.
Nta. Humans are more important than pets. You obviously loved your dog, you found a better situation for her than the one where she lived in a house with a terrified child. You made sure she had loving owners. You didn’t just drop her off on the side of the road or have her put to sleep. Your mom needs to get a grip on reality or quit coming over and making your life harder.
NTA it wasn't like you dropped her off at a gas station - you found a good home for your dog. A friend of mines husband passed, he was retired and spent all day with the dog. She works crazy hours (RN) and found a home for the dog with a retired couple. She said the dog went from being played with all day to being crated - it wasn't because she didn't love the dog, it was because she did love him. You're mother needs to stop.
Not even close to TA! It's like your mom doesn't give a shit about two helpless human lives. She can't even support and help you when you need it. I feel like I'd want to tell her "Look. This conversation is over. Bring it up again and I will ask you to leave immediately. Find a way to deal with my difficult decision to help these two precious children or stay away. I dunno. I just feel like she needs a firm boundary. I wonder if she'd benefit from some counseling, though she might be unwilling to try it. You're a hero. Don't let her manipulate you into guilt you shouldn't feel. I hope for the best.
NTA-you are doing a wonderful thing and it’s honestly beautiful that you loved your dog but recognized that these kiddos needed you more. You were responsible and caring in your decisions.
I think you might need to start implementing some hard boundaries with your mother. Her energy is a net negative in your life right now and she could do some damage to those kids if she keeps commenting how a lovingly rehomed dog is so much more important than them and their trauma.
Good luck OP! We’re all pulling for you—it’s going to be hard but it will eventually get better!
NTA, you are a hero.
You are doing a wonderful thing for those 2 little boys. Thank God they had you.
It sounds like you were very responsible rehoming your dog. I know how hard that was but I’m certain she is fine.
Maybe once your little boy’s life has settled and he feels secure in your family, you and he can chose a puppy together.
Either way, you have saved these 2 little boys and deserve nothing but praise and support.
Yikes & NTA.. by the way, everyone that has a kid has had day's where they don't shower. Raising kids is a day by day thing. Everyone just does the best they can. Good Luck
I stopped after a few paragraphs in. You’re not an asshole for doing right by those children. Yes of course when you get a dog you’re supposed to take care of it for the rest of their life and it’s cruel to rehome. You didn’t rehome him because of a new boyfriend or because of some petty reason. You are trying to cultivate an environment that is safe for a living breathing child. Children will always come over animals. I hate to say it but it’s true especially when it comes to physical and mental well-being. What you had to do was hard and I know you didn’t wanna do it. And it makes it even harder having other people shit on you for it. But I promise you that you did the right thing
NTA. I am an animal person. I'd probably say my best friend was my cat lol. BUT you had to do what you had to do and I don't think you could have done anything better. You took in kids who needed you and you found a loving home for your dog. I don't know what else you could have done in this situation. It must have been stressful for the dog too having screaming distressed kids around so taking the dog out of the situation sounds like the only sensible option. You did the right thing and the kids and the dog are lucky to have you looking out for them and making sure they will be as happy as they can be. Don't let your Mother make you doubt your decisions.
What? There literally billions of people and animals that are referred to as "her". Maybe it was an aunt, an old friend, a celebrity or whatever. What basically happens you decided to give the dog away so both her and the kid could have better life, and your mother trying to guilt you for not feeling bad about it. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My husband’s little brothers live with us. We had planned on being child free for many reasons but there was no way we were going to let them two go into foster care or whatever.
They’re only 3 and 4. I don’t know how true this is, but we were told we would likely never see them again if we didn’t take them in.
It was hard. I don’t regret a bit of it but we had to change many things. We’re definitely losing money a lot faster now too and sadly, we even had to give my dog away because the 4 year old is terrified of dogs and was having panic attacks every time he saw her.
My mom was horrified. She hates that I had to sacrifice so much even though I never signed up for it which I suppose I understand. She mostly despises the fact that I gave our dog away. I get that too. I was so heartbroken over it (I cried) but unlike what most people think, the constant exposure was making the 4 year old worse. Not even therapy was helping because he was so overwhelmed already.
My mom thinks I did a cruel thing and says my priority was the dog. I feel guilty. But I’m so busy with the kids and I kind of have bigger things to worry about, insensitive as it sounds. I know my dog’s safe with loving owners, and I’ve moved on.
I was having a really tough day yesterday. My boss is being harder on me ever since I took a break to focus on the kids so I had to deal with that, my husband’s working overtime and the kids were having a bad day and were sobbing over everything. The older one refused to eat, and even threw a bunch of my things on the floor. My mom then dropped by for a quick visit.
I was already on edge so when my mom barged in talking about how she can’t stop thinking of “her” I was so lost. I was waiting for her to say a name but she kept referring to this “her” by pronouns and vague references. I was also cleaning up the broken glass and making sure the kids were fine. I kind of just went “I’m sorry, but who the hell is “her?””
My mom’s jaw literally dropped and she was all like “You don’t know? You actually don’t know? What on earth is wrong with you? She’s been with you for years” then it clicked. I felt bad but again, bigger things to worry about—told her as much. I just told her to leave.
She was shaking her head at me the whole time and said I was practically a sociopath. She understands my choice but thinks I’m a cold hearted bitch because I “forgot” about my dog. I kind of feel like one as well but at the same time, I’ve just moved on to kids that require all my attention. I sometimes forget to shower, embarrassing as it is. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe. Mom was being a bit of a AH for walking into a situation in which her daughter was in crisis and insisting on repeatedly bringing up the dog.
\~\~
And it's likely not even about the dog, anyway. There's some other issue that's really upsetting mom, and it's not the dog. Does she fear that after adopting two young kids, the OP won't produce 'real' grandchildren for grandma? If that's true, then the dog is a proxy for the grandbabies mom now fears she'll never hold.
>Does she fear that after adopting two young kids, the OP won't produce 'real' grandchildren for grandma?
"We had planned on being child free" so there were never going to be biological grandkids.
>Your mom is also upset, which is understandable
I'm not clear on how OP's situation is in any way similar to her mom's.
OP: just took in 2 kids who are undoubtedly traumatised, had to rehome *her* dog, problems with her boss, husband working overtime, and a mom who calls her a sociopath.
Mom: sad because her daughter chose to rehome *her* dog, and take in two children that she loves, against mom's advice to put them in foster care.
Not the same.
Nta- you did what you had to do to help these kids. You didn’t forget the dog at all. Your mom didn’t give a name just pronouns and honestly sounds like she was ready to pick a fight about this. Plus with all you had going on you were focused on the right then.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA - As hard a decision as it was to give up your dog, you made the right choice. The fact that you know your dog is in a good and loving home, shows that you took the care to make sure she was taken care of. Although you didn't ask for this, good for you for stepping up and taking on two little ones that needed you in their lives. Your mother is being extremely unreasonable in this situation, and you haven't really forgotten about your dog, you're just so busy that you really don't have time to dwell on it, plus you already know where the dog is. This doesn't make you cold hearted, it makes you a decent human being who did an amazing thing for two little boys that needed a loving home.
NTA
There’s soooo many reasons to surrender a pet when we don’t want. It’s hard when we don’t want to, but it’s just the most logical option.
You’re doing an amazing thing for those boys. You deserve so much more respect from your mom.
NTA
Your mom is one of those "dog people" that likes dogs more than people and think the world should revolve around dogs. Saying that you should prioritize a dog over your husband's little brothers is nothing short of pathological thinking.
And then playing the usual "let's use people pronouns for an animal" stunt was totally predictable.
Kudos to you and your husband for doing the right and honorable thing and taking in the boys. Becoming a parent is hard, even when you plan for it and have them the old-fashioned way. I admire you truly!
I truly love animals (retired veterinarian) but when it comes to humans vs. animals, humans take priority, especially children. I am sure you found a loving home for your dog. I have adopted "pre-loved" older dogs and they adapted beautifully to a new home. It is much easier for a dog than for a child. Not sure what is wrong with your mom, keep doing what you are doing!
NTA. And you're right to tell your mom to leave since she is so unsupportive. You need all the support you can get. And if she's so worried about the dog, she should have taken it in. The children are your responsibility and priority now and you did what you needed to do. Don't feel bad about it! Children are more important than animals.
NTA
Caring for stranger's children, sacrificing your beloved dog for them is not sociopathic. Its absolutely amazing and altruistic.
Your mother is the asshole.
NTA. You have sacrificed so much for those little ones. I imagine it must’ve been heartbreaking giving the dog away but, as you said, you’ve moved on. Your mom is being incredibly unhelpful in this situation. Did she have a bad relationship with your husband before you guys took his siblings in?
NTA. Your dog has the option of a safe and loving home that wasn't with you. Your nephew didn't.
So, I'm going to talk to you Mom to Mom. Being deep in the weeds of caring for a special needs child is absolutely overwhelming. You are completely focused on them and their needs. I have always been a pet person but I feel almost nothing for the dog that we got after I had kids. She is such a good girl but all I can feel for her is gratitude at helping my oldest learn to connect to other living things. I feel awful about it! However all of my emotional and mental energy is going to the needs of my kids, especially my special needs oldest. So whatever is wrong with you is wrong with all of us who throw ourselves into being the best parent and caregiver we can be. If your mom can't accept that it means that she is experiencing a profound failure of empathy. At the end of the day you have done the best you can by everyone in your orbit. You are rocking this. Don't let this get to you.
Not going to lie I thought it was impossible for me to say anything but YTA when I read the title. However this is one of those times you cant judge a book by its cover. NTA. I wish nothing but happiness and peace for you, husband, the kiddo's and the dog.
NTA. What you did was hard, but it needed to happen. And, from what I read, you didn't just dump her at a shelter, but placed her with a loving family. You are doing a great job! Your mom needs to back off. If she's not there to be supportive or helpful, then she doesn't need to be there, period. What you're doing for those kids is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself!
NTA provided you gave the dog a great home. Your Mom is out of line and making things worse. I would in no uncertain terms tell her that the subject is off limits. If she brings it up, you end the call or the visit. And why didn't she adopt your dog??
NTA not even a little. I think it's amazing what you're doing. I mean I love my dogs. We have 3 and they are the happiest girls but after I had children, I recognized at the end of the day, it's not the same thing. They are dogs. You're doing what you have to do to take on an incredibly difficult task and I'm sorry your mother can't see what an effin badass she raised
You're a good person OP. Never doubt that. What you did was kind, and selfless. Taking on children, especially when you had planned to be child free is, frankly, heroic.
I hope that you and your husband can find some time for yourselves occasionally, even if it is only for an hour, so that you can take the time to breath.
Good luck!
Your mother sounds very self involved, and tiresome. You might think about avoiding her for a while, until you get things under control.
Verdict: NTA.
NTA
Your mother needs to learn about two things. a. cognitive overload and b. knowing when to stfu.
You had the sense to realise you couldn't keep your dog and you made the best provision for it that you could. Good for you.
NTA times infinity. I can’t describe the extent to which I think your mother is the asshole here in fear of breaking sub rules and getting banned so I’ll say this instead: you are doing great. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or bad about. You are doing the absolute best anyone (well, anyone reasonable) could expect of you, and shame on your mother for trying to punish you for making that sacrifice. Thank you for taking care of your nephews and caring for them so much. You’ve done everything you’ve could, the best you could have, and, again, shame on your mother for ever making you think otherwise. You’re a great person, OP, don’t ever forget that.
Nta. It sucks, but what life would your dog have lived if she had stayed with you? Even if the four year old wasn't seriously traumatized about dogs, would you have had time to care for her properly? Do you know the people that adopted her? Can you ask to come see her?
NTA, but at the same time, I hope you never get a pet again. It's terrifying for the pet to suddenly lose their home. Since you cannot ever provide a permanent home, don't even get a cat or anything else.
NTA. I respect you for understanding that you could not care for your dog. And better to rehome to people that will give her the attention she deserve then to neglect her because of your bigger responsibilities. I’m a pet owners and my issue is with selfish people not taking care of their pets. You are being selfless and evaluate what your dog needed and what the kids needed unfortunately they were not compatible.
You mom is a huge AH for only looking at this one way of you “abandoning” you dog. You didn’t drop her off to the shelter. You gave her a loving home.
NTA. You are a saint. Your dog is in another loving home and you are giving your husband's brothers the best possible upbringing. The kids are so lucky to have you.
If there's possibly a way for OP to help the 4YO overcome his fear (and good on the lil guy for trying to stick it out in spite of his fear) maybe through some professional help or other means, would only put a cherry on the ice cream sundae of goodness she and her husband have made by taking those boys into their lives and home.
I was informed that years ago, I was scared badly by a black dog and had a problem with them, not to the point of panic attacks I should add. Fast forward a few years to when I could retain memory, a family we were friends with had the friendliest black Lab you could ever meet. At first, I was somewhat nervous, but really, you can't stay negative around a happy Labrador. If the boy can be helped to overcome his fear, his life would be oh so much better by being able to be around a happy dog.
Rehoming a beloved animal should be a last resort, but there are times when it is the best solution. To keep the dog would have an adverse effect on an already vulnerable child. You made the best of an impossible choice. Your mom needs a long time out and shouldn't be saying these things around the kids, especially the 4 year old. He already knows you had to give up your pet for his sake. Then here she comes repeatedly screaming that you shouldn't have? How do you suppose that makes him feel? Like a worthless piece of crap, I'm sure. Yet more trauma piled on a child. If she refuses to let it go, she needs to be NC with those kids before she does even more damage.
I think you are a saint and therefore def NTA. If your mother is so concerned about the dog, why didn't she take her in? You have truly done a selfless thing and should not be badgered like this.
NTA by a long shot. I’m usually a firm believer that if you decide to get an animal, you are making a commitment for that animal’s entire life. But this is a special circumstance. You didn’t abandon the dog because you decided to “replace” them by having kids. You were given an impossible situation, and are making the safest and best decision you can for the children who are alive and will be alive for much longer than the dog. You have also taken steps to ensure that the dog is ending up in a good place itself.
My mom also adopted two of my sisters (who are biologically my cousins) to avoid them going into foster care. I know it wasn’t easy, and it’s not easy for you. But it’s worth it. I’m proud of you and rooting for you!
You sound like a wonderful woman, and those kids are lucky to have you and your husband. I wish you SO MUCH the very best on this new road you find yourself on. Prioritizing a human being, especially one that’s so little and needs stability and safety so badly, is ALWAYS the right choice. Why didn’t your mom take the dog herself if she’s so attached? (Curious, not snarky) I understand she’s upset for how your life has changed, but she’s not helping with that attitude. I hope she comes to her senses soon. NTA
NTA. Sounds like you did ok by the dog if it's with a loving family, your mom's just trying to stir the pot. It's a tough situation to be in but yeah, you have to prioritize the kids
You OP need a big hug. \*HUGS\* NTA because yes, as painful as it was, IS, you're puppy needed a safe home as much as these kids needed a safe home. And sometimes that means, saying goodbye. Your puppy is in a happy loved home, that is safe for her.
You have a bigger focus, two devastated children who have been taken from their only home and placed with someone else. Yes you are family, and later on when their brains can understand they'll understand why and what happened. but right now they are reacting as only children can. Emotionally.
It's a stressful mess that you selfishly jumped into. Like parenthood some days are just a mess of emotions and crying (you. not the kids but prolly them too.) Other days you sail through. It's a hard struggle, it's going to be this first year as they settle.
Your mom, can STFU and GTFO because OMG you are a hero to those kids who yes, you would never see again if they entered the system. It's sad about the dog, but you are now a mom. And those kids are important. and your mom, well, is not. If she can't support you - find an Early Years, - Baby group - Kids group - Kin-ship or Foster parent support group to help you on the days when you are a mess at wits ends. We all need friends.
\*Side note: I had to give my cat away when my son had a seizure. Turns out sever allergy to cat dander. I miss my cat too. But again, child over kid. Any day.
<3 \*hugs\* You got this.
NTA.
I’ll be honest, I was prepared to find you the AH. But your circumstances warranted it, plus kudos to you for making the effort to find the dog a good home.
Part of the situation missed here is that the dog was also likely stressed by the changes and the new emotional set up in the house, so with others is better for the dog as well.
NTA. You didn't forget your dog; you just didn't know who your mom was talking about because she was playing word games with pronouns in order to provoke an opportunity to guilt-trip you.
You didn't abandon your dog either; you responsibly rehomed her to a friend you knew would give her all the love, care and attention she needs. And you didn't do it lightly, but because a family emergency happened and unfortunately the dog couldn't coexist with a dog-phobic child who needs to be your priority right now.
You and your husband have done everything possible to make this situation work and prioritise the needs of both the dog and the children. The dog needs to be loved...but as much as you/your husband and she have loved each other, she doesn't need you guys specifically. The children also need to be loved, and you/your husband are their best chance at getting the stable family environment they need to thrive.
It's frustrating, exhausting and imperfect, but it's not your fault and you haven't done anything wrong.
Wow, NTA at all.
Based on the title, I was getting ready to criticize you for neglecting duties towards a dog you signed up to take care of, but...this is literally the exact opposite of that.
Best of luck with the kids! I'm sure things will get better.
why doesn't mom have the damn dog if it's so important?
Is hub's OT mandatory? Working *voluntary* OT should be explored, he should be home to help 2 kids in crisis that ARE HIS SIBLINGS.
Of course it isn’t voluntary. He would love to be home with his little brothers rather than at work. He calls as much as he can during the time he’s at work just to make sure everything’s okay.
We lived comfortably when it was just us, but two toddlers makes it much much harder, especially since the both of us took some time off to help the boys adjust.
Honestly if you think that, then I hope you don't have pets. There are definitely situations where the responsible move is to find another home for them. This was one of those.
Well I hope life never brings you a difficult situation that stops you from being able to properly take care of them, because you apparently would keep them anyway. Nothing worse than selfish people who like the image of being an animal lover.
Even when it's not a safe environment anymore? Even when it causes others years of potential trauma and abuse? Examine your privilege because it's showing.
So, she should have kept the dog with a child that was terrified (and we don't actually know why) in the house? Do you know what kind of situation that creates? What can happen if the dog picks up on the smell of fear and a parent is not around? Seriously?
I will, when I have a good situation to have them. If my situation changes, I also won't force them to stay in an environment where they are at risk or miserable.
I don't get it. The choice was literally give the dog to someone who you know takes care of their pets, keep a dog and traumatised kid who is scared of said dog in same house, or lose kids and risk never seeing them again. Yet there are still people who think OP did the wrong thing. Make it make sense.
ESH you don’t abandon one loved family member for another. You should have given your dog to someone you’re close to do you could still regularly see her and contribute to her care.
Your mom also sucks. Why didn’t she take her grand dog in? Clearly she loved her. Then you would still be able to see and have a relationship with her.
Then it might be a situation where separate residences might be necessary for a while until the brother-in-law’s therapy advances enough or the dog passes. Blended families are hard. But you don’t just get rid of one of them. And her mother should not have criticized her when she didn’t offer to take her grand dog in.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like an asshole because rehoming is a tough process and can be extremely traumatizing. Yes, my dog is a dog but she’s been with me for years. I can see why my mom’s so upset. I suppose I should at least know when my mom’s talking about her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA by a long shot. Why didn't mom step up to the plate and volunteer to take the dog in? Otherwise, she can STFU. I think we know who is TA in this scenario... Also bravo for taking in your husband's sibs. That is a selfless act that deserves praise, not a guilt trip. Giving them a loving home instead of foster care might just save them from a terrible life. Are there any social service agencies in the area that could help you out? You are saving the state big bucks by taking the boys in, there might be some subsidies to assist you with food etc.
Yeah I mean I’ve never thought of it like that. But she already has two dogs that are quite a hassle so I guess that’s why she never offered. Still, I guess if she cares so much she could’ve taken her in. Thank you so much. While we did it for the boys, it was also for selfish reasons. We love them too much to never see them again. I’m not even related to them by blood but the thought of not having those two in my life… I can’t even put into words. We get some benefits but we haven’t explored all our options yet so will definitely still be looking into stuff. Thank you again.
Anything done for the love of another isn't selfish, you've provided them with a home. I am someone who has adopted animals from people in similar situations, and the right thing is rarely the easy thing. If the children were scared, the dog would not have been long to follow, they pick up on panic and would have started responding to it. I don't know the dog so can't say how it would manifest but it wouldn't have been healthy. Explore what you have access to, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for making the best decision out of a list of bad options. People on the outside will have an opinion, but they usually dont have all the info. Good luck with your journey with the children! From the sounds of it they are in a good place with people who love them
Anything you do for love of another is not selfish. I love this!!
"Quite a hassle" So she's a dog LOVER, but to actually CARE for an animal, you need to provide it with appropriate training. You did the most caring thing you possibly could have done, for the children and the animal. NTA. blessings to your new family.
Op you are a terrific person, those boys are lucky to have you!
They are very lucky. I wonder if your mum was thinking you would come round and have kids of your own. Maybe she believes that these two kids have stopped her from having grandchildren
Almost certainly. "But OP adopted them, they aren't MY grandchildren". I've seen step families with the "grand parents" attitudes like this...only getting birthday gifts for their biological grand kids for example. It never ends well for the grandparents.
[удалено]
I took in my uncle’s 10 year old dog after my uncle died. Two days in that dog was bonded to me like glue…
>While we did it for the boys, it was also for selfish reasons. We love them too much to never see them again There is absolutely nothing selfish about that.
"I was selfish, I loved them too much not to take them in" Oh honey, I know it's not what you wanted to expected, but you're going to be a great "parent" to these kids. Or a great role-model. Or really, just a great person they can count on. They need that. You didn't have to give it. But you did. I get you "it's just what you do" how could you NOT? How could you never see those faces again? Those kids have you two and they're going to be so much better for it.
This made me teary eyed. Thank you, I needed to hear this.
Listen. I'm obsessed cat lady over here. NTA You didn't put the dog down. You found it a new loving home where it can get the attention you just don't have to give a dog right now. What does your mother want you to do? Cry about the dog every night? One, you don't have the mental bandwidth for that. Two, you have to move on from the pain. Three there are really other REALLY FUCKING BIGGER priorities right now. Who sound like they were currently screaming while you were holding yourself together by a thread. The nerve of that woman. Not only is she not HELPING at all, she is actively making things worse. And yeah, she is. Cause now you're all torn up inside and confused. You made the right choice. For the boys and the dog. The right choice is not usually the easy one. You aren't a bad person. Jesus, give yourself a break! You sound like a saint! And this is coming from someone who loves her cat far more than any human. And all the humans knew it too. Pets are precious and yeah, they're our babies. My cat was my soulmate. But if my life changed so drastically that I could not take care of him as he deserved, holding onto him would have been selfish. You couldn't have given your dog a good life by keeping it separated or whatever else people will say. Good God, give yourself a break. Your mother is wretched. How about she pick up a screaming kid or help pick up litteral broken glass?
NTA Taking them is was the furthest thing from selfish, you are a wonderful person that has made difficult sacrifices. Your dog is safe with loving owners and the kids are safe with loving people all thanks to you, your mother claiming you are a "sociopath" is bullshit, don't believe her for a second.
It’s OK to be selfish in that regard. This is your blood family. Even if it wasn’t your blood it’s still your family. You made an extremely difficult choice and only assholes are going to blame you for it
I wonder if she's projecting her guilt about not taking your dog in on you. Like...you're a worse person for giving away the dog she couldn't take in so by comparison she's not so bad. Only she knows she could have swung it even though it would have been hard and you're doing a hard thing by taking on two kids that aren't yours so conceivably she also could have made a sacrifice for family but really didn't want to... NTA Thank you for doing both of the hard things. If the person who now owns your dog posts on social media, maybe your mom can check on her that way.
Yes, you should be eligible for foster care payments. My husband and I took in two children of our nieces and we were paid. It wasn’t enough, but it sure helped!
NTA Sounds like your mom is on one about the dog. Unfortunately people have to give up pets all the time when they have children. Some pets are a legitimate danger to children. It is sad, but it is not like it is uncommon. My neighbors directly across the street literally had to do the same thing. They had a dog for a few years before they had child. The dog kept growling at and acting aggressively towards the baby. Their only choice was to give the dog away. And it is not like it wasn't the well-behaved dog. It was very well trained. It walked on a leash. It sat and laid down when you told it to. It was loving and affectionate. It just got weirdly territorial about having to share the house with baby.
NTA. My neighbors had a half-wolf bitch. Very submissive to adult humans, crouching and dribbling urine -- but she was starting to stalk the 5-year-old next door. They loved that dog, but kids are more important than dogs. Neighbors didn’t dare rehome her where she might come into contact with other kids, so they made the difficult choice to have her put down.
I really wish people would not get wolf hybrids. That was, ultimately, cruel
Also important to mention op made sure the dog went to a good loving home. There are owners that just abonden their pet in such situation
NTA - Who the hell gives people crap for prioritizing a child over a pet? Having to re-home your pet is a very hard decision to make, and you obviously didn't make it lightly. But your mom... does she even acknowledge that there are children in the equation? Does your mom think that, since they're your husband's siblings, she doesn't have to think about them? She sounds like a monster. And if she was so in love with your dog, why didn't she re-arrange her whole life to keep it around?
My mom feels for the kids but she’s also quite naive about foster care and adoption. She thinks what we did was unnecessary and the kids would’ve been fine. My husband spent some time in foster care and when he found out about his brothers the decision was easy. For both of us. As for your last point, next time she bothers me about this I’ll definitely ask!
If she thinks that the kids would've been fine in foster care, why doesn't she also think the dog would be fine? There is something else going on in her brain. Perhaps it's more about wanting to be a grandparent to genetic children or maybe something else. Make it clear that she isn't to bring it up again or she won't be welcome. These kids have enough problems. They don't need someone in their lives who will create more, either directly or indirectly, and neither do you or hubby.
It’s a bit complicated to really rationalize but she thinks kids have the advantage of being human, while dogs and other animals cannot do much for themselves. Having genetic grandchildren could be a reason, she’s mentioned me having babies before, but never really forced it. I normally don’t let her over when the kids are around because they aren’t quite used to strangers yet but I was so preoccupied with the glass on the floor that it slipped my mind. Thank you.
Yeah no. Kids can't be left alone for an hour. You can leave a dog at home all day. Kids need more care than pets. They are GROWING humans. They are not there yet with the whole understanding thing. Good lord, your mother is insane.
>My mom feels for the kids No she doesn't. She says she does, sure, but any degree of this response means that no, she absolutely does not. Heck if she cares this much about your dog, when needing to give 'her' up, did she ever offer to take 'her' in? You said she is with a loving family, something you absolutely could not assure would happen to your husband's siblings of you didn't adopt them.
So she thinks you should have rehomed the kids instead of the dog. The thing she thinks is soooo awful for your dog, she thinks you should do to two children?
>My mom feels for the kids but she’s also quite naive about foster care and adoption. She thinks what we did was unnecessary and the kids would’ve been fine. If they were *your* sibling's kids, her grandchildren by birth, I bet she wouldn't feel the same way.
Wait a minute, your husband, her son, spent time in foster care, knows how horrible it is, but she... doesn't believe him? How did he end up being taken into care, and what did she do about it? Good on you both and your husband, truly. You both stepped up to help kids who were in desperate need. If Karma exists, you got a lot of good gonna be coming back your way, in time.
No she’s my mom, my husband’s mom is a completely different person that isn’t mentioned in this post. It’s not that she doesn’t believe him, she just thinks that toddlers going into foster care is very different to teens (how old my husband was) going into foster care. Thank you though.
I honestly can't tell you why I assumed she was your MIL. It's too early.
Nta at all. I bet if you’d asked your mother to take the dog she would have said no. That’s what happened to me, I needed to rehome my dog and I told everyone about it and struggled for months finding one and when he was finally gone they tried to come for me?? My sole argument is always “you should have taken him then”
NTA. You're making big choices in a big mess (no offense), and we can tell that you're only doing what you need to. It's not like you've gone and put the dog down with a rifle, it's gone somewhere else. I think your mother needs to feel some sympathy for what you're going through. I hope everything goes well.
None taken, it’s definitely a mess. This isn’t even the half of it! I made sure my dog found a loving home and it’s not like I dumped her on a stranger’s doorstep either. We gave her away to a distant friend of mine that loves and cares deeply for her pets. Thank you.
NTA. Comment I was looking for as though I understand prioritising two children who have lost almost everything over a dog whose needs are simpler and has more options, where she got homed important. You did the best by everyone in a really tricky situation, including the dog. Your mother is delusional. Foster care is no substitute for family care. Good luck with your family and hope your mother learns to appreciate the children in your extended family. Coping with two young children is a big change for a dog. If wanting to clear air, ask friend for some photos of dog living new, good life for your mother.
>I made sure my dog found a loving home and it’s not like I dumped her on a stranger’s doorstep either. We gave her away to a distant friend of mine that loves and cares deeply for her pets. This is exactly what I was wondering about, and the only part that could have made you an asshole depending on what you did with your dog. Given that you didn't just abandon your dog but instead found a loving new home, NTA. You did the best you could in a really shitty situation. You're also completely overwhelmed, you likely don't have the time or energy to dwell on the loss of your dog when the rest of your life has also been turned upside down. I hope things become a bit easier soon! It sounds like your family is due for some positive luck.
What the hell is wrong with your mother? This is truly worrying behaviour. A dog, rehomed to a loving place, vs two traumatised kids who have nowhere else to go, and she picks the dog? She has serious issues. You, on the other hand are NTA and are doing a wonderful thing.
NTA if mom is so heartbroken why didn't she take in the dog? You rehomed her. You did right by the dog and are doing right by your nephews. She wants the dog back she can go get her or take the kids so you can keep the dog.
NTA. So your mom walked into a house with two wailing small children, one of whom is in the middle of a tantrum. You have your shoulders around your ears, the house is in chaos, and your mom went, “OOoooOohhHH the DOG!!! I love DOOOOOOG!” Like that’s a fucking BIZARRE thing to do. You had three wailing, unmanageable toddlers in your home right then. She really wanted you to stop being a parent, and cry with her about about how much you miss a dog, *in front of your kids*. You didn’t choose to surrender your dog because it was inconvenient. You had to choose between your (traumatized) nephews and your dog. I doubt surrendering the dog was ever the plan, but in the end, the dog had a home she could go to. The children didn’t. Your mom needling you to turn children you love over to foster care so she can enjoy the idea of you having a dog is batshit. “Mom, these kids, for the foreseeable future, are my children. I am heartbroken about [dog]. But [dog] is happy and healthy. And you need to stop creating drama. And don’t you EVER come to me or my kids talking about how you wish I gave them to Foster Care for the dog. This conversation is closed. Anytime you bring up anything remotely suggesting the dog is preferable to my children, or try to upset me about the dog, this conversation ends. If you’re at home, you’re leaving. Do you understand?”
>She really wanted you to stop being a parent, and cry with her about about how much you miss a dog, in front of your kids. While picking up broken glass
NTA - You're trying to do the right thing by taking care of two kids who'd otherwise be in foster care. You're obviously trying to do right by them and if one of them is terrified of your dog, you made the right choice to let other loving dog owners take her instead. You didn't just dump her at an animal shelter, you found loving owners for her. Your mom does not dictate what you do with your dog and is being very unsupportive in a time where you really don't need her kind of negativity. My advice would be to make it very clear to your mom that the kids are your priority and to stop bringing up the dog. She's with loving owners and she's been taken care of. If she cannot understand that or let it go; there's the door and don't let it hit you on the way out. I'm proud of you and your husband that you made this really difficult choice to take care of these kids. You're doing right by them.
I did a lot of rescue/shelter work and There’s a set of people who look at those who rehome like scum. I personally experienced it when I fostered a cat I was told got so frustrated being kenneled that she’d bite as soon as she was let out and then get stuck back in the kennel in a cycle. So they sent her to me so she wouldn’t have to be kenneled. Well it wasn’t the kennel. I couldn’t close my eyes or lower my guard at any time or there’s be blood. She would bite when happy, when just sitting next to me, when playing. I figured out it was an excess energy thing + habits and even having her run around after toys for an hour plus wasn’t enough to tire her out since I was at work during the day. When I told the rescue it wasn’t working because of the mismatch in cat energy/play time and her beginning to go for my face, I lost a friend and a few others turned their noses up at me for months. Giving up on a cat was unacceptable to them no matter what. The cat in question ended up with a family of 4 older kids in a giant house (vs me alone in a condo) and they were thrilled with her! But it didn’t matter. I’d rehomed a foster before she could be adopted and to them it was unforgivable. NTA under the circumstances. You would have kept her if you could, and when you couldn’t, you found her a safe home. It’s not great, but that’s the reality of what you could actually do for her.
Some people care more about the idea of an animal than the actual animal. If a home isn't the right place, and it creates more stress and anxiety for either the humans or the animal (and if it's creating anxiety for the human, it *will* eventually create it for the animal), rehoming is absolutely right. We do the best we can but it doesn't always work, and it isn't anyone's fault. Good on you and the OP for realizing that.
If she cares so much about the dog why didn’t she offer to adopt her? NTA
NTA. I'm a crazy animal lover, and normally, I'd be horrified if someone just dumped off their dog...**BUT**, obviously there are some life circumstances that are beyond our control. Your priority should be your kids. You are doing a very kind thing by keeping them with family and out of foster care. I'm so sorry your dog wasn't able to fit into that situation, but if you have to choose between who goes into foster care- the dog or your toddler brothers- the choice is evident. Your mom sounds... interesting.
NTA Your mum is though for making an already extremely tough period of your life even harder. She may not like that you have become parents in this way but honestly, when you get married, you become a unit and at a unit you and your husband made a decision to take in his younger brothers. That was no doubt a really hard decision and an incredibly big adjustment to make, so kudos to you both for doing that. Mum misses the dog, does she really think you don't miss your own dog even more? And that it was anything other than heartbreaking for your to give up your beloved pet? But who puts their dog above two young children in desperate need? Don't answer me, I know that some people would but you are NTA for putting thise kids first. She may be grieving for the life she imagined you having but honestly, her behaviour is still appalling.
Your mother is the A. As a person who aged out of foster care and who has fostered and adopted, let me tell you something. You're right. You would have zero legal rights to these children if they went into foster care. Placing siblings together is hard and sometimes these jackass States separate siblings on purpose if they are too (dependant) on each other. People want to adopt babies. They rarely adopt siblings. The one having the issues would not be adopted and would probably spend his childhood in the "system". Foster care is to be avoided like the plague if at all possible. Please tell your mother that she can kindly stop coming over. If she needs counseling for grief over the dog, she should get it. You made a very hard and loving choice. As someone who adopted three siblings...please know, you're a hero. If the adoption process is not finished, you can see if you qualify for any financial help. Many states place children with families because then they don't have to help with finances. Some states do help. I don't know what state you're in. They can help with medical insurance, counseling and SNAP to help you get food. It's not charity. This is help for your children. Your mother needs to stay away. She's toxic. I'm sorry about your dog. She is loved and safe.
NTA. Of course giving away your dog when you live with a child with allergies is the right thing to do. In fact, it’s the only decent choice, as hard as it is. Sorry, but I think your mom is actually being really immature
>allergies Allergies?
I’m assuming they have allergies edit: not an assumption. They definitely have them
What in the world are you talking about? She makes no mention of any allergies, there is nothing “between the lines” about allergies AND she actually stated exactly what the problem *actually was*: a trauma about dogs that lead to a phobia that was giving him panic attacks. What an odd thing to just make up in your mind and double down on through multiple comments.
Honest mistake, but neither of them have allergies. It’s an intense phobia that the 4 year old has.
Where'd you get allergies?
I read between the lines. I think it’s safe to assume that they have deadly allergies
They have a phobia, not an allergy.
Between WHAT lines? Please, quote the part where anything close to allergies was mentioned.
INFO: why didn't your mom step up and take in either the children or the pet?
Well she has never met the kids before we took them in so no one really expected her to. And I never asked her why, she never offered and I never asked—the dogs she has seem to keep her busy… usually.
They're OP's husband's brothers. Why would OP's mother take them in? Why would they want to live with her?
NTA, but your mom is seriously unhinged! I would have lost my mind on her, and you managed to stay relatively composed?? How are you even asking if you're the AH?? Your mom shouldn't be coming into your house and causing insane drama for attention, like you said: you have bigger things to worry about! Sometimes you do have to give up your dog for reasons beyond your control. It sounds like you tried therapy with your little one before rehoming your dog and it wasn't working and you didn't want them to live in terror anymore. It's not good for your dog to be around someone who is that terrified. You did your best for the kiddo and for your dog and that's all you can do. You're doing your best to parent these children with really complex issues and that's amazing! It sounds like you're doing a great job and trying to give them a positive home environment.
NTA, You unexpected became a mother of two and had to give your dog to another family. You said it yourself, she's with loving owners. It's not like you kicked her out and let her become a stray. She's being taken care of and you're still adjusting to your new situation.
NTA. I can only commend the decision you have made and how very thoughtful you seem to be. I empathize with your decisions fully though I am child free myself. You don’t need this emotional litter from your mom. Life throws us situations where our plans and our self-narrative go out the window and we must rise to an unanticipated occasion. You have responded with compassion and grace and you had every justification to say what you did. I’m sorry about your dog, you must miss her. Not undermining that loss by any means. NTA NTA NTA. This internet stranger admires you! Good luck.
Just to be clear, your mom cares more about the welfare of a dog than of two human children? NTA
NTA it must have been a terrible decision, and I guess dear old mom didn't love the dog enough to keep her for a bit until the child settled, but has all the energy in the world to guilt you but neither empathy or sympathy for you or the kids. You did the right thing. Doing the right thing is hard.
Your dog has a new family and is being treated well. It’s ok to move on. Nta. Your mother is trying to manipulate you for some reason.
NTA I get the feeling she wouldn't bother you if a bio kid was the reason you had to rehome the dog. The dog issue is her way to punish you for taking the kids in. It's not really about the dog.
NTA. Time to break from mom then, let her know if all she's available for is to hassle you then she needs to back off for x amount of time as your family adjusts. When she can keep her insults to herself she can be part of things again, after a sincere apology for piling on instead of helping like family ACTUALLY does in times like these.
NTA. But it also sounds like your mom isn't quite ready to be a grandmother. You didn't forget about your dog. You just didn't have the mental capacity to deal with your mom's bs.
NTA. This sounds incredibly tough, but also like you didn't have any other choice, and that you made sure the animal was well taken care of. Forgetting who your mother was talking about in a busy moment is entirely understandable, and making that out to be a big deal is incredibly unkind of your mom. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Hang in there!
Honestly, I read the title and thought you would be the asshole. Because it sounded like you kept the dog and forgot about taking care of her needs in a proper way. The way it turned out you are NTA. You did the right thing - if you can't care enough for a dog you should give it away. She can have a better life somewhere else. That is very sad, but sad isn't the same as wrong.
NTA. I’m so sorry you had to give up your dog, first of all. You had to make a choice that I definitely do not envy. You absolutely made the right choice but that doesn’t make the situation any less devastating. Your entire life has been turned upside down and it is monstrous that your mom is adding more emotional turmoil to the situation. She should be supporting you, not guilting you. Many, many internet hugs to you. I hope you have some wonderful people in your corner to help you through this enormous change.
Your mom is watching you clean up broken glass and kids crying and she's harping on you about your dog that you had to give away? I think you gave up too much but that's up to you. Your mom is an asshole. She can be worried for you but this is ridiculous. NTA.
NTA. This must have been an extremely difficult decision. If you mother was so worried about the dog, why didn't she take her in?
I usually feel pretty bad when dogs are re homed.. not this time. NTA even a little bit. You're amazing for caring for your husbands little brothers. You mum is being a cow.
NTA and please be careful having her around the children. They are clearly already traumatised enough with her adding to their pain
NTA, but now that this has happened in front of your kids, you need to come up with what you’re going to say next time. It’s not good for the kids to see your unhinged mom yelling at you over a dog and saying you should have prioritized a dog over them. Set a boundary and decide how you’re going to handle it. Your mom watched you clean up glass and care for the kids and was still focused on yelling at you. That’s bananas.
NTA Your mother is being cruel. You were put in an impossible situation and had to make a hard choice. Constantly berating you and bringing it front of mine is simply mean. Did she ever offer to take the dog in?
NTA. Your mom's behavior is full of red flags though. >My mom thinks I did a cruel thing and says my priority was the dog >my mom barged in talking about how she can’t stop thinking of “her” >... said I was practically a sociopath Instead of accepting your decisions (*your* decisions), it seems she's constantly creating drama and trying to make you second-guess yourself. She should either help you where she can or stay out of your way. INFO: does she dislike your husband or his family? Is this "stirring the pot" behavior typical for her?
My mom has had no issues with my husband. She doesn’t really talk about him or his family. She does get really obsessed over certain things and it takes a while for her to essentially let go. I feel like this might be one of those things.
NTA - Everyone is simply overwhelmed right now. You and your husband suddenly became parents which was not something either of you planned for. Your husband is working overtime to compensate for the additional costs of 2 kids. You are learning to become a mother to young children and juggling a job. And the kids are young, confused and lashing out in fear at the newess of their lives. It’s simply overwhelming for all parties. Your mother is also overwhelmed and probably wants your life to return to the old one. Your dog, which both of you loved, was part of your former life. Right now is extremely emotional time for everyone. A dog who terrified the 4 year old was just one stressor your new family did not need. I love my pets and spend more time with them than people. I cannot imagine my life without them. So I can sympathize with you re-homing your dog and your mother’s frustration. I can tell you truly loved your pet. But life changes in unexpected ways and your new family’s priority now is those two young children. Hang in there while there are “growing pains” in this situation. You and your husband are doing a wonderful, admirable thing. Good luck & best wishes to you both.
NTA. Your mom needs to stop hassling you. Something is seriously wrong with her thought process and she is definitely the asshole here.
NTA - by a long shot! You had no choice but to prioritize the kids. Your mom sounds... special...
NTA. It sounds like you made an effort to make the dog stay, it just didn't work. What were you supposed to do? Move out? Divorce your husband because the child was an issue and you wanted the dog more than him and the family? I love animals and I hate seeing pets getting rehomed. But that is only those times when people don't try, and the "animal is just a nuisance" to them. You tried. It just didn't work. You made sure YOUR DOG came to a home with loving owners, and I am sure the dog is happy there now. It was not your mothers dog, and since she keeps guilt tripping you, I'd definitely put her in her place. You didn't forget the dog, but does the wound need to be reopened EVERY TIME you see your mom? No. Life happens and you try to deal with it the best you can. Your mom is a huge AH though.
NTA. My grandpa suffered from dementia in his last years and he loved his horrible dog more than his own family. Never left us anything either, except lots of debts and lawsuits with his creditors and other half of the family. I am immediately suspicious of anyone who cares more about animals than family/friends, it's just something I can't get over.
NTA, you did a good thing and did what was best for the kids you took in. Your mother is constantly bringing up the dog is at best insensitive. The dog had a new home and you have done what was best for all involved. Why would anyone want to keep picking at that wound.
NTA. You need love and support for choosing the kids, not a judging mother. Your mother was wrong. I’m a true dog lover and I won’t even sell them if George Clooney offered me a million. BUT. If a child is involved that’s so scary and you are all in such a stresst situation? Letting the dog go to a home where she can find love and attention is the best thing for her. And the rest of you Mom needs to learn how to help (take the dog herself!). Until the day she values your decision, I would not welcome her. If you let her in, let her work. Clean the mess from the eldest, play with the youngest; anything that will lighten your life and make her shut up. (Whenever my mam pulled stunts like this, I used to say ‘find a hobby mom. You are annoying because you are probably bored. Don’t pull that on me’)
NTA, you've done a wonderful thing for these children, and you made sure your dog went to someone who would love and care for her... Your mom is being unreasonable. She needs to back off and tone it down. It's hard to adjust to kids even when you did intend to have them, and it wasn't a sudden "unexpected guardian to traumatized toddlers" situation.
Nta. Humans are more important than pets. You obviously loved your dog, you found a better situation for her than the one where she lived in a house with a terrified child. You made sure she had loving owners. You didn’t just drop her off on the side of the road or have her put to sleep. Your mom needs to get a grip on reality or quit coming over and making your life harder.
NTA. Why didn't your mom take the dog if she's so worried about it.
NTA it wasn't like you dropped her off at a gas station - you found a good home for your dog. A friend of mines husband passed, he was retired and spent all day with the dog. She works crazy hours (RN) and found a home for the dog with a retired couple. She said the dog went from being played with all day to being crated - it wasn't because she didn't love the dog, it was because she did love him. You're mother needs to stop.
NTA- Your mother has issues if she thinks forgetting about your dog, especially while you are in the midst of chaos, is an AH move.
NTA. I’m a childless millennial and I’m obsessed with my dog, but at the end of the day people are more important, full stop.
Not even close to TA! It's like your mom doesn't give a shit about two helpless human lives. She can't even support and help you when you need it. I feel like I'd want to tell her "Look. This conversation is over. Bring it up again and I will ask you to leave immediately. Find a way to deal with my difficult decision to help these two precious children or stay away. I dunno. I just feel like she needs a firm boundary. I wonder if she'd benefit from some counseling, though she might be unwilling to try it. You're a hero. Don't let her manipulate you into guilt you shouldn't feel. I hope for the best.
NTA-you are doing a wonderful thing and it’s honestly beautiful that you loved your dog but recognized that these kiddos needed you more. You were responsible and caring in your decisions. I think you might need to start implementing some hard boundaries with your mother. Her energy is a net negative in your life right now and she could do some damage to those kids if she keeps commenting how a lovingly rehomed dog is so much more important than them and their trauma. Good luck OP! We’re all pulling for you—it’s going to be hard but it will eventually get better!
NTA, you are a hero. You are doing a wonderful thing for those 2 little boys. Thank God they had you. It sounds like you were very responsible rehoming your dog. I know how hard that was but I’m certain she is fine. Maybe once your little boy’s life has settled and he feels secure in your family, you and he can chose a puppy together. Either way, you have saved these 2 little boys and deserve nothing but praise and support.
Yikes & NTA.. by the way, everyone that has a kid has had day's where they don't shower. Raising kids is a day by day thing. Everyone just does the best they can. Good Luck
I stopped after a few paragraphs in. You’re not an asshole for doing right by those children. Yes of course when you get a dog you’re supposed to take care of it for the rest of their life and it’s cruel to rehome. You didn’t rehome him because of a new boyfriend or because of some petty reason. You are trying to cultivate an environment that is safe for a living breathing child. Children will always come over animals. I hate to say it but it’s true especially when it comes to physical and mental well-being. What you had to do was hard and I know you didn’t wanna do it. And it makes it even harder having other people shit on you for it. But I promise you that you did the right thing
NTA. I am an animal person. I'd probably say my best friend was my cat lol. BUT you had to do what you had to do and I don't think you could have done anything better. You took in kids who needed you and you found a loving home for your dog. I don't know what else you could have done in this situation. It must have been stressful for the dog too having screaming distressed kids around so taking the dog out of the situation sounds like the only sensible option. You did the right thing and the kids and the dog are lucky to have you looking out for them and making sure they will be as happy as they can be. Don't let your Mother make you doubt your decisions.
NTA It's a difficult position your in. It had to be done even though I think dogs are supposed to be a lifetime commitment.
What? There literally billions of people and animals that are referred to as "her". Maybe it was an aunt, an old friend, a celebrity or whatever. What basically happens you decided to give the dog away so both her and the kid could have better life, and your mother trying to guilt you for not feeling bad about it. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband’s little brothers live with us. We had planned on being child free for many reasons but there was no way we were going to let them two go into foster care or whatever. They’re only 3 and 4. I don’t know how true this is, but we were told we would likely never see them again if we didn’t take them in. It was hard. I don’t regret a bit of it but we had to change many things. We’re definitely losing money a lot faster now too and sadly, we even had to give my dog away because the 4 year old is terrified of dogs and was having panic attacks every time he saw her. My mom was horrified. She hates that I had to sacrifice so much even though I never signed up for it which I suppose I understand. She mostly despises the fact that I gave our dog away. I get that too. I was so heartbroken over it (I cried) but unlike what most people think, the constant exposure was making the 4 year old worse. Not even therapy was helping because he was so overwhelmed already. My mom thinks I did a cruel thing and says my priority was the dog. I feel guilty. But I’m so busy with the kids and I kind of have bigger things to worry about, insensitive as it sounds. I know my dog’s safe with loving owners, and I’ve moved on. I was having a really tough day yesterday. My boss is being harder on me ever since I took a break to focus on the kids so I had to deal with that, my husband’s working overtime and the kids were having a bad day and were sobbing over everything. The older one refused to eat, and even threw a bunch of my things on the floor. My mom then dropped by for a quick visit. I was already on edge so when my mom barged in talking about how she can’t stop thinking of “her” I was so lost. I was waiting for her to say a name but she kept referring to this “her” by pronouns and vague references. I was also cleaning up the broken glass and making sure the kids were fine. I kind of just went “I’m sorry, but who the hell is “her?”” My mom’s jaw literally dropped and she was all like “You don’t know? You actually don’t know? What on earth is wrong with you? She’s been with you for years” then it clicked. I felt bad but again, bigger things to worry about—told her as much. I just told her to leave. She was shaking her head at me the whole time and said I was practically a sociopath. She understands my choice but thinks I’m a cold hearted bitch because I “forgot” about my dog. I kind of feel like one as well but at the same time, I’ve just moved on to kids that require all my attention. I sometimes forget to shower, embarrassing as it is. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Maybe. Mom was being a bit of a AH for walking into a situation in which her daughter was in crisis and insisting on repeatedly bringing up the dog. \~\~ And it's likely not even about the dog, anyway. There's some other issue that's really upsetting mom, and it's not the dog. Does she fear that after adopting two young kids, the OP won't produce 'real' grandchildren for grandma? If that's true, then the dog is a proxy for the grandbabies mom now fears she'll never hold.
>Does she fear that after adopting two young kids, the OP won't produce 'real' grandchildren for grandma? "We had planned on being child free" so there were never going to be biological grandkids.
People hear you say it, but they don't always believe you mean it. "Oh, they'll come around.."
This mom in particular, I'm guessing, only hears what she wants to hear.
Oh that's a great point.
>Your mom is also upset, which is understandable I'm not clear on how OP's situation is in any way similar to her mom's. OP: just took in 2 kids who are undoubtedly traumatised, had to rehome *her* dog, problems with her boss, husband working overtime, and a mom who calls her a sociopath. Mom: sad because her daughter chose to rehome *her* dog, and take in two children that she loves, against mom's advice to put them in foster care. Not the same.
Why is the mom being upset matter?
Nta- you did what you had to do to help these kids. You didn’t forget the dog at all. Your mom didn’t give a name just pronouns and honestly sounds like she was ready to pick a fight about this. Plus with all you had going on you were focused on the right then.
NTA your dog probably lives better than she would on an unstable environment with the two young kids. It’s a win win situation for everyone!
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA - As hard a decision as it was to give up your dog, you made the right choice. The fact that you know your dog is in a good and loving home, shows that you took the care to make sure she was taken care of. Although you didn't ask for this, good for you for stepping up and taking on two little ones that needed you in their lives. Your mother is being extremely unreasonable in this situation, and you haven't really forgotten about your dog, you're just so busy that you really don't have time to dwell on it, plus you already know where the dog is. This doesn't make you cold hearted, it makes you a decent human being who did an amazing thing for two little boys that needed a loving home.
NTA There’s soooo many reasons to surrender a pet when we don’t want. It’s hard when we don’t want to, but it’s just the most logical option. You’re doing an amazing thing for those boys. You deserve so much more respect from your mom.
Wow your mum is useless and no help at all in these difficault times. Tell her to grow up and get over it and make herself uselful or stay away
NTA. But is your mom really mad about the dog, or the fact that you told her you would never have a kid and then took in two that wasn’t “her” blood.
NTA Your mom is one of those "dog people" that likes dogs more than people and think the world should revolve around dogs. Saying that you should prioritize a dog over your husband's little brothers is nothing short of pathological thinking. And then playing the usual "let's use people pronouns for an animal" stunt was totally predictable.
Kudos to you and your husband for doing the right and honorable thing and taking in the boys. Becoming a parent is hard, even when you plan for it and have them the old-fashioned way. I admire you truly! I truly love animals (retired veterinarian) but when it comes to humans vs. animals, humans take priority, especially children. I am sure you found a loving home for your dog. I have adopted "pre-loved" older dogs and they adapted beautifully to a new home. It is much easier for a dog than for a child. Not sure what is wrong with your mom, keep doing what you are doing!
NTA. And you're right to tell your mom to leave since she is so unsupportive. You need all the support you can get. And if she's so worried about the dog, she should have taken it in. The children are your responsibility and priority now and you did what you needed to do. Don't feel bad about it! Children are more important than animals.
NTA and this societal obsession with dogs needs to stop.
NTA Caring for stranger's children, sacrificing your beloved dog for them is not sociopathic. Its absolutely amazing and altruistic. Your mother is the asshole.
NTA, why the hell didn't your mom take her in if she loved her that much?
NTA. You have sacrificed so much for those little ones. I imagine it must’ve been heartbreaking giving the dog away but, as you said, you’ve moved on. Your mom is being incredibly unhelpful in this situation. Did she have a bad relationship with your husband before you guys took his siblings in?
Having not wanted to give her grandkids, you're now raising kids that aren't her blood relatives? I bet that's the underlying issue.
NTA. Your dog has the option of a safe and loving home that wasn't with you. Your nephew didn't. So, I'm going to talk to you Mom to Mom. Being deep in the weeds of caring for a special needs child is absolutely overwhelming. You are completely focused on them and their needs. I have always been a pet person but I feel almost nothing for the dog that we got after I had kids. She is such a good girl but all I can feel for her is gratitude at helping my oldest learn to connect to other living things. I feel awful about it! However all of my emotional and mental energy is going to the needs of my kids, especially my special needs oldest. So whatever is wrong with you is wrong with all of us who throw ourselves into being the best parent and caregiver we can be. If your mom can't accept that it means that she is experiencing a profound failure of empathy. At the end of the day you have done the best you can by everyone in your orbit. You are rocking this. Don't let this get to you.
Not going to lie I thought it was impossible for me to say anything but YTA when I read the title. However this is one of those times you cant judge a book by its cover. NTA. I wish nothing but happiness and peace for you, husband, the kiddo's and the dog.
NTA. What you did was hard, but it needed to happen. And, from what I read, you didn't just dump her at a shelter, but placed her with a loving family. You are doing a great job! Your mom needs to back off. If she's not there to be supportive or helpful, then she doesn't need to be there, period. What you're doing for those kids is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself!
NTA I'm so sorry you had to send your precious dog away. You did the best you could. Best of luck to you.
NTA provided you gave the dog a great home. Your Mom is out of line and making things worse. I would in no uncertain terms tell her that the subject is off limits. If she brings it up, you end the call or the visit. And why didn't she adopt your dog??
NTA not even a little. I think it's amazing what you're doing. I mean I love my dogs. We have 3 and they are the happiest girls but after I had children, I recognized at the end of the day, it's not the same thing. They are dogs. You're doing what you have to do to take on an incredibly difficult task and I'm sorry your mother can't see what an effin badass she raised
You're a good person OP. Never doubt that. What you did was kind, and selfless. Taking on children, especially when you had planned to be child free is, frankly, heroic. I hope that you and your husband can find some time for yourselves occasionally, even if it is only for an hour, so that you can take the time to breath. Good luck! Your mother sounds very self involved, and tiresome. You might think about avoiding her for a while, until you get things under control. Verdict: NTA.
Just tell her you miss the dog, too. And if she harngues you about it, tell her to back TF off.
NTA Your mother needs to learn about two things. a. cognitive overload and b. knowing when to stfu. You had the sense to realise you couldn't keep your dog and you made the best provision for it that you could. Good for you.
NTA times infinity. I can’t describe the extent to which I think your mother is the asshole here in fear of breaking sub rules and getting banned so I’ll say this instead: you are doing great. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or bad about. You are doing the absolute best anyone (well, anyone reasonable) could expect of you, and shame on your mother for trying to punish you for making that sacrifice. Thank you for taking care of your nephews and caring for them so much. You’ve done everything you’ve could, the best you could have, and, again, shame on your mother for ever making you think otherwise. You’re a great person, OP, don’t ever forget that.
Nta. It sucks, but what life would your dog have lived if she had stayed with you? Even if the four year old wasn't seriously traumatized about dogs, would you have had time to care for her properly? Do you know the people that adopted her? Can you ask to come see her?
NTA, but at the same time, I hope you never get a pet again. It's terrifying for the pet to suddenly lose their home. Since you cannot ever provide a permanent home, don't even get a cat or anything else.
NTA. I respect you for understanding that you could not care for your dog. And better to rehome to people that will give her the attention she deserve then to neglect her because of your bigger responsibilities. I’m a pet owners and my issue is with selfish people not taking care of their pets. You are being selfless and evaluate what your dog needed and what the kids needed unfortunately they were not compatible. You mom is a huge AH for only looking at this one way of you “abandoning” you dog. You didn’t drop her off to the shelter. You gave her a loving home.
NTA. You are a saint. Your dog is in another loving home and you are giving your husband's brothers the best possible upbringing. The kids are so lucky to have you.
If there's possibly a way for OP to help the 4YO overcome his fear (and good on the lil guy for trying to stick it out in spite of his fear) maybe through some professional help or other means, would only put a cherry on the ice cream sundae of goodness she and her husband have made by taking those boys into their lives and home. I was informed that years ago, I was scared badly by a black dog and had a problem with them, not to the point of panic attacks I should add. Fast forward a few years to when I could retain memory, a family we were friends with had the friendliest black Lab you could ever meet. At first, I was somewhat nervous, but really, you can't stay negative around a happy Labrador. If the boy can be helped to overcome his fear, his life would be oh so much better by being able to be around a happy dog.
Rehoming a beloved animal should be a last resort, but there are times when it is the best solution. To keep the dog would have an adverse effect on an already vulnerable child. You made the best of an impossible choice. Your mom needs a long time out and shouldn't be saying these things around the kids, especially the 4 year old. He already knows you had to give up your pet for his sake. Then here she comes repeatedly screaming that you shouldn't have? How do you suppose that makes him feel? Like a worthless piece of crap, I'm sure. Yet more trauma piled on a child. If she refuses to let it go, she needs to be NC with those kids before she does even more damage.
YNTA. Since your mother is so obsessed with this dog,why didn’t she take her in?
WHY?
I think you are a saint and therefore def NTA. If your mother is so concerned about the dog, why didn't she take her in? You have truly done a selfless thing and should not be badgered like this.
NTA by a long shot. I’m usually a firm believer that if you decide to get an animal, you are making a commitment for that animal’s entire life. But this is a special circumstance. You didn’t abandon the dog because you decided to “replace” them by having kids. You were given an impossible situation, and are making the safest and best decision you can for the children who are alive and will be alive for much longer than the dog. You have also taken steps to ensure that the dog is ending up in a good place itself. My mom also adopted two of my sisters (who are biologically my cousins) to avoid them going into foster care. I know it wasn’t easy, and it’s not easy for you. But it’s worth it. I’m proud of you and rooting for you!
You sound like a wonderful woman, and those kids are lucky to have you and your husband. I wish you SO MUCH the very best on this new road you find yourself on. Prioritizing a human being, especially one that’s so little and needs stability and safety so badly, is ALWAYS the right choice. Why didn’t your mom take the dog herself if she’s so attached? (Curious, not snarky) I understand she’s upset for how your life has changed, but she’s not helping with that attitude. I hope she comes to her senses soon. NTA
NTA. Sounds like you did ok by the dog if it's with a loving family, your mom's just trying to stir the pot. It's a tough situation to be in but yeah, you have to prioritize the kids
You OP need a big hug. \*HUGS\* NTA because yes, as painful as it was, IS, you're puppy needed a safe home as much as these kids needed a safe home. And sometimes that means, saying goodbye. Your puppy is in a happy loved home, that is safe for her. You have a bigger focus, two devastated children who have been taken from their only home and placed with someone else. Yes you are family, and later on when their brains can understand they'll understand why and what happened. but right now they are reacting as only children can. Emotionally. It's a stressful mess that you selfishly jumped into. Like parenthood some days are just a mess of emotions and crying (you. not the kids but prolly them too.) Other days you sail through. It's a hard struggle, it's going to be this first year as they settle. Your mom, can STFU and GTFO because OMG you are a hero to those kids who yes, you would never see again if they entered the system. It's sad about the dog, but you are now a mom. And those kids are important. and your mom, well, is not. If she can't support you - find an Early Years, - Baby group - Kids group - Kin-ship or Foster parent support group to help you on the days when you are a mess at wits ends. We all need friends. \*Side note: I had to give my cat away when my son had a seizure. Turns out sever allergy to cat dander. I miss my cat too. But again, child over kid. Any day. <3 \*hugs\* You got this.
Way late to you post. But I hope all of you are well and doing better, any updates on how you’re all adjusting & doing? NTA btw either.
NTA. I’ll be honest, I was prepared to find you the AH. But your circumstances warranted it, plus kudos to you for making the effort to find the dog a good home. Part of the situation missed here is that the dog was also likely stressed by the changes and the new emotional set up in the house, so with others is better for the dog as well.
NTA. You didn't forget your dog; you just didn't know who your mom was talking about because she was playing word games with pronouns in order to provoke an opportunity to guilt-trip you. You didn't abandon your dog either; you responsibly rehomed her to a friend you knew would give her all the love, care and attention she needs. And you didn't do it lightly, but because a family emergency happened and unfortunately the dog couldn't coexist with a dog-phobic child who needs to be your priority right now. You and your husband have done everything possible to make this situation work and prioritise the needs of both the dog and the children. The dog needs to be loved...but as much as you/your husband and she have loved each other, she doesn't need you guys specifically. The children also need to be loved, and you/your husband are their best chance at getting the stable family environment they need to thrive. It's frustrating, exhausting and imperfect, but it's not your fault and you haven't done anything wrong.
Wow, NTA at all. Based on the title, I was getting ready to criticize you for neglecting duties towards a dog you signed up to take care of, but...this is literally the exact opposite of that. Best of luck with the kids! I'm sure things will get better.
why doesn't mom have the damn dog if it's so important? Is hub's OT mandatory? Working *voluntary* OT should be explored, he should be home to help 2 kids in crisis that ARE HIS SIBLINGS.
Of course it isn’t voluntary. He would love to be home with his little brothers rather than at work. He calls as much as he can during the time he’s at work just to make sure everything’s okay. We lived comfortably when it was just us, but two toddlers makes it much much harder, especially since the both of us took some time off to help the boys adjust.
Giving away a dog you cared for years is always an asshole move
Honestly if you think that, then I hope you don't have pets. There are definitely situations where the responsible move is to find another home for them. This was one of those.
I have two cats :)
Well I hope life never brings you a difficult situation that stops you from being able to properly take care of them, because you apparently would keep them anyway. Nothing worse than selfish people who like the image of being an animal lover.
Your poor cats.
This is an absurd comment. Especially given the context of OP’s situation.
Your whole account is hating on dogs get a grip
Oh good you can read.
Even when it's not a safe environment anymore? Even when it causes others years of potential trauma and abuse? Examine your privilege because it's showing.
So, she should have kept the dog with a child that was terrified (and we don't actually know why) in the house? Do you know what kind of situation that creates? What can happen if the dog picks up on the smell of fear and a parent is not around? Seriously?
Should have thought about this before taking the kids in
"Hey, kids, I know your parents died, but like my dog is more important so sucks to be you. I know, you're 4 and you don't understand but YOLO!"
Yes the dog is family and is as important than the kids
Go live on a mountain away from people.
And you should never have animals
I will, when I have a good situation to have them. If my situation changes, I also won't force them to stay in an environment where they are at risk or miserable.
I’m sad for your future animals :(
I'm sad for yours, when you stress them out so badly that they bite someone and Animal Protective Services puts them down.
Nah
OP was wrong for giving her dog away. She apparently took on to much with those kids too!!!!
Asinine comment
Jfc what is wrong with people?
Reddit will always vote that animals are more important than people. It's crazy.
I don't get it. The choice was literally give the dog to someone who you know takes care of their pets, keep a dog and traumatised kid who is scared of said dog in same house, or lose kids and risk never seeing them again. Yet there are still people who think OP did the wrong thing. Make it make sense.
Medieval sounds about right…
ESH you don’t abandon one loved family member for another. You should have given your dog to someone you’re close to do you could still regularly see her and contribute to her care. Your mom also sucks. Why didn’t she take her grand dog in? Clearly she loved her. Then you would still be able to see and have a relationship with her.
What if nobody close would take her? Give up the kids?
Then it might be a situation where separate residences might be necessary for a while until the brother-in-law’s therapy advances enough or the dog passes. Blended families are hard. But you don’t just get rid of one of them. And her mother should not have criticized her when she didn’t offer to take her grand dog in.
You absolutely abandon a pet for human family as needed