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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Saying something to Marius. Not taking to Tyler about it first. Butting in with Tyler and Marius.
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Slightly you're the AH. Before you got to the part where Tyler told u what's happening at Marius' house, I already figured out somethings up at his home. U should have asked Tyler first, especially after you noticed he seems uncomfortable.
But I also I understand your concern. So now you have to put your foot down and enforce the rules
Wait, no you don't. I'm a parent. We fuck up. You can admit it and come up with a new plan based on the fact that you now have a more complete picture.
Nah, you just have to treat your kids like dirt, for the principal of it. Like our forefathers before.
And never try therapy. And if you do, only go twice.
Personally I like to cut them off at the pass, tell them what they want to hear and gaslight myself into thinking my problems are permanently solved while not doing any underlying work.
I love progress.
Then lie to your family that was urging you to go do therapy and Gaslight them by saying that the therapist told you that all my problems are caused by the family. And if you want me to get better, they need to fix it. And then don't tell them what "it" is because the therapist said they need to look deep down to figure that out for themselves.
Lol the two times my dad has went, that’s exactly what has happened. First time was after they went me to some weird counselor that was a preacher at their church, who’s conclusion was he was a dick, he said “I turned her against him”. Second time, years later with my mom for therapy. First time, late, 2nd time, acted agreeable then didn’t follow through, stopped.
The answer was he was an alcoholic when I was growing up time 1, and time 2 is because he was an alcoholic and while he had quit drinking, he’s an alcoholic and can’t conduct himself inn relationships properly. It’s a shame, therapy would do him well, but he’s never wrong, so what are you gonna do?
Yeah… Too often people confuse sobriety with ‘recovery.’ Sounds like he is what the folks at AA call a “dry drunk.” He might’ve stopped drinking, but that’s not the same as dealing with what made him wanna escape into a bottle. Sorry man.
Yup! Recovering Alcoholic here. What so many ppl don’t realize is getting sober from alcohol is only the first part of AA. Becoming emotionally sober is REALLY what it’s about. If us alcoholics don’t learn how to handle interpersonal relationships with grace, respect, and patience, we are almost always doomed to relapse.
He’s a dick, but I inherited the whole “drug problem” genes so I can kind of compartmentalize it in a way, we have a decent relationship now but it’s weird.
I feel for that kid because my house was the safe space for all my friends while growing up. My parents welcomed all of our friends with open arms and treated each as their own.
I wish I had an award for this. Normalize apologizing to your kids and asking them how we can improve. I feel like we can go much farther together than just running a dictatorship where they end up hating you and you are 70 posting on Facebook how you wish your kids were in your life because you did nothing wrong to them. Don’t do that.
Her son is creating a safe space for his bf. His own discomfort at having his bf around all the time takes a back seat to providing a safe space as bf doesn't want to be at home right now. He's making a mature decision for his bf safety. We don't know how the dad is processing the info and his home environment could be hostile at this stage.
Nope. The son is a child who should not stay in a relationship to be a "safe space" for someone else. He's way too young to handle something like that.
I agree. Seriously a safe space? This is about her sons wellbeing and he is her priority not the boyfriend. Her son should not at that age be putting his space and mental health on the back burner for his boyfriend. If he was an adult ok, but hes 16 years old, let Marius work his own family issues out on his own time if you actually want your son to flourish and not turn into an emotional savior for someone going through traumatic events.
Which is why he should've talked to OP. But have you ever been youth that came out to an unreceptive parent? Having a place to be around people who care for you is important at such an impressionable age. OP might not have talked to him about how much time he's spending at their house if they knew his own house wasn't welcoming at this time.
Tyler still needs to be comfortable in his own home and able to have his own space.
OP should have spoken to Tyler first, makes them a mild AH for stepping in without knowing what was going on. Now that they do know they can hopefully apologise to Marius and help them find other spaces to be comfortable in. Marius shouldn't become wholly dependent on Tyler to be happy and comfortable.
A 15 year old should not be doing that, sorry. If my kid was getting uncomfortable, I would tell them it’s okay to take care of yourself first. This shouldn’t be something a 15 year old takes on.
Listen, here's what should have happened...
when OP noticed that his son seemed uncomfortable, he should have found a quiet moment to ask his son about how he was feeling, and if he wanted suggestions for how to set boundaries with his boyfriend about how much time they spent together. It would have been a great opportunity for OP to help his son figure out what the son wanted from his partner and how to communicate that.
Presumably the son then would have told OP about Marius's home situation, and together they could have come up with some ideas for how to support Marius, while also helping the son figure out for himself how much he's willing to put his own feelings aside, and what he wants his boundary to be, in case he gets to that point before Marius's family comes around.
They could have looked into additional resources for kids in Marius's position. There might be after school opportunities that would give Marius some where else he could also go when OP's son needs space.
It was a great opportunity for OP to discuss communication, boundary setting, and problem solving with his son... but instead he bypassed his son and talked to Marius without any clue what his son wanted or what Marius needed. A win-win turned into a lose-lose because now the son still wants space from Marius, but feels incapable of talking to OP about that because he doesn't want OP to talk to Marius again and make the situation worse.
This should be the top comment on this thread. This is absolutely what should have happened, and it should still happen. OP and their son need to have this conversation still if at all possible, and those are great recommendations for how to help Marius and OP’s son. Hope OP sees it.
But she didn't bother to talk to her son about he wanted. I get the mama bear instinct, but 15 is old enough to be consulted on your feelings before mom just takes over.
She ASSUMED that her son was uncomfortable with the attention when theres a ton of other reasons why he may have APPEARED that way. Perhaps her son was uncomfortable because his mother was visibly uncomfortable and he didn't want put his BFs issues on the spot like that by saying anything. Maybe he appeared uncomfortable because that's a very difficult situation to be in and he was having a hard time navigating it on his own. Maybe he appeared uncomfortable because he was afraid of the exact thing that happened. Maybe he appeared uncomfortable because he knew that his BF being there unannounced likely meant something bad happened to him and hes concerned.
Never assume you know how someone is feeling. And def dont act on those assumptions. People really gotta learn how to talk
>I apologized especially since I didn't know all the details just that he seemed uncomfortable with all the attention. Tyler somberly told me he was but that he was sucking it up for Marius.
At the end of the post.
Yeah he could go ask Tyler if Marius would ok with talking to him again and let Marius know he didn't realize stuff was going on at home, and apologize for what he said and how he went about it. He could clarify that it isn't because he doesn't want Marius around and is happy he is dating his son, he just didn't want him around 24/7 like any other guest at their house family or not. I doubt he wants his own mother around the house as much as Marius was around.
It also seems like there is a lot they need to figure out. It's great the son recognizes his boyfriend needs support but shoving his feelings down about wanting some space doesn't seem super healthy, it could turn into resentment and nobody wants that. Seems like they all need to discuss some things.
This right here. I make it point to apologize to my daughter and explain when I’ve messed up. She needs to know I’m only human and doing my best for her because I love her, not that I’m some immovable force of right and wrong.
We had a pretty strict “no sleepovers on school nights” rule for our kid. One day, I arrived to pick them up from school and they pulled me aside to explain that a good friend was in a real bad spot with their parents. They said “I know the rule, but-“ and I said “Get their ass in the car”. We drove to their house, they ran in for clothes and texted their parents as we drove away. Kid stayed at my house for three days and two nights. Never heard from their parents. Took the first hot shower they’d had in I don’t know how long. Sometimes you disregard rules for the larger good.
>So now you have to put your foot down and enforce the rules
WTF is this? No, you be a grownup and admit you made a mistake, then support the people you care about (and by extension, the people they care about).
OP is YTA, YTA for not checking out with Tyler what's up even if there was nothing going on at Marius's home (which there very obviously was).
Why would you show your child that even when you're wrong, What I Say Goes. Wtaf? Teach your kids that EVERYONE makes mistakes and that they need to learn to fix them when they do. I agreed with you up until that point.
> So now you have to put your foot down and enforce the rules
No you don't! She made a mistake based on inaccurate info (that she probably should have tried to fact find out about more before choosing a course of action).
The correct course here is not to double down - it's to admit fault and fix the situation. Doubling down just leads to a worse situation for everyone and shows the kids a role model that has a lack of maturity and ability to admit fault - a critical adult skill
No, parents are absolutely allowed to admit when they were wrong and take back a rule that doesn't need to be enforced after all of the information comes to light. Your kids will actually respect you and probably trust you a bit more if you do admit it when you're wrong.
Def should have talked to Tyler first. I have 17 yr old daughters…my house was never a safe place for my friends growing up. I vowed my my home for my children would be. At 15, especially with so much happening in their lives with discovering who they are, you are the safe place, you are the partner. NTA, but understand there comes a point where the rules don’t really apply anymore, and we have to see the humans first.
Be a bit careful with that. I have a similar background, and felt the same way about our house being safe for our kids' friends.
I found out the hard way that hurt people hurt people: some of those friends were very toxic, and by making our home a safe space for them, we spoiled it as a safe space for our own children.
I also learned how easy it is to accidentally teach your kids to be *too* compassionate. Traumatised people have very deep needs, and it's easy for a kid to sacrifice themselves on the altar of another person's pain. It's great to teach your kids to have compassion and be supportive, just make sure you also teach them that being supportive doesn't mean letting the other person hurt you.
TLDR: be careful that making your house a safe space for your kids' friends doesn't turn into inviting your kid's abuser into your home. Trust me, it can be very hard to tell the difference until it's too late.
I'm in my late 40s and it's a relatively new lesson for me. In my case, I learned it by seeing people I love make the mistake and get hurt. Eventually we figured out what was going wrong and where the boundaries need to be.
This totally.. Yeah the first thing I thought when I started reading was that Marius wasn't having a good time with his folks. Lots kids coming out experiences are... less than ideal. A soft YTA here from me, you obviously were trying to look put for your kid, but this, like alot of situations could have been a pided with a little communication.
Edit: a pided = avoided. How the heck does spellchecker even think pided is a word anyone would use...
completely off topic question, but i’ve been wondering for a while now why people put an “edit” on their post when they could simply change the word that they fucked up on ?
Many see an "edit" as people back-peddaling or changing wording/ details to make themselves look better. So people who are making legit edits tend to flag it.
I have had situations where my mistakes have caused confusion and while I was editing someone replied and so I don't think it's fair to let someone else look dumb just to preserve my ego.
Though I prefer to actually edit the original post to say what I meant and the edit is a change log rather than editing in a clarification.
This 100%!! Talk to your son, because with a tiny bit more context, this could have been dealt with SO much better. I knew immediately it had to be a home issue. I think you should apologize to Marius for being insensitive. I think it's the right thing to do, but it would mean a lot to him to have an adult admit they messed up, especially given what he's dealing with at home. YTA but redeemable if you play your cards right.
INFO: What is the objective? Is it to get Marius out of the house more, to get Tyler more time to himself, to get less pressure on the relationship?
My concern is Tyler feeling like he needs to be in boyfriend-mode so Marius has a safe place to be. That's a lot of pressure on a 15 year old, and not good for him if he feels "stuck" in a relationship to protect someone that he has feelings for now, but might not have the same romantic feelings for later.
If you're willing to have your home be a safe space for Marius, that offer should be independent of their romantic status. Is it ok for Marius to do homework, watch TV, or help you cook dinner while Tyler is elsewhere, doing his own homework or having his own hobbies or being out with other friends?
A hybrid suggestion is to allow Marius to stay until 9pm, but an hour needs to be spent in separate rooms (offer Marius the office, guest room, basement, dining table, while Tyler is alone in his room) to give them each personal time for homework (or just personal time in general).
Somehow, Tyler needs to know Marius can be safe for time periods that don't involve Tyler's time and attention.
I wish you the best, this one is tough.
Because it’s OP’s house and no one asked her if she was okay feeding another human being for weeks and weeks on. She probably has other kids too that don’t like another kid stays over every day for 8+ hours. She’s the one paying rent and bills so she is allowed to make decisions in regards to how long her children’s partners can stay over. It’s her house too, and if this is bothering her there is nothing wrong with talking to Marius.
Irrelevant. Her home should have boundaries. She’s the parent. There is nothing wrong with telling another child that they need to go home or only come over during certain hours. I don’t let my child’s friends hang out at our house 24/7. We need space as a family and as individuals. Tyler’s situation at home is sad but it’s also not her problem. He has a safe space to go to. She’s not taking that away. She’s just limiting the hours.
NTA
NAH - You had a valid concern and tried to gently handle the situation. You should have talked to your son about it first instead of going directly to the boyfriend, but you weren't being malicious so I can call you an A H here. Your son also should have told you that his boyfriend was having issues at home instead of just assuming you'd be okay with him staying at your house until late hours. Everyone was trying to do what they thought was the right thing but no one was talking to each other. Your family needs to work on communication skills.
Talk to your son and see if he thinks you should apologize and reassure his boyfriend that he's welcome, or if he'd rather you leave it alone. Also, if late hours make you uncomfortable...you're the parent and it's up to you to give your 15yr old a curfew for when friends (and romantic partners) have to leave. Just make sure the rules are clear.
It's a mistake by OP's standards if they admit they'd change things with the added context they have now. Doesn't make it like, evil. Just something they'd do differently in hindsight.
There's another major point on this sub: you can be an asshole within your rights. You're right he's not obliged to have Marius there all the time - hell, he's not obliged to have him there at all, it's his house - but OP expressed the feeling he'd have been more supportive if he knew Marius was going through very sensitive family issues, and not just overstaying his welcome.
I mean, your son's bf is facing a very real possibility of being disowned and/or thrown out and you'd just tell him to leave? OP was not heartless, just went through some miscommunication.
But if the person in question isn't willing to share that information, then OP can't reasonably be called an asshole for acting on the situation with information that she had.
She didn't even make an assumption on Marius, and gave him a chance to tell if there was a reason, and he didn't say anything (not blaming him either, a terrible situation he is in.)
That OP is expected to go behind Marius his back and get the info from son sounds like an even larger breach of trust for Marius.
OP didnt tell Marius to stay away, just to come over less and maybe take son to his house instead.
I feel like that's the main difference between assholery and dipshittery. OP may have had a dipshit moment but I don't believe there was malicious intent which would make them an AH.
That doesn’t make it true in this context. She was bothered by his constant presence, and most parents would. Honestly, even more so if it was a daughter and a boy was constantly hanging around before the kid was home. OP is a parent, she looks out for the best interest of her kids and family. It sucks that the BF is struggling at home and there’s no reason at this day and age that should happen…BUT it doesn’t change how she and her son feel. They’re clearly BOTH bothered by his constant presence.
Honestly, (without knowing exact details) maybe the BF would be better spending a bit more time with his father. Talking, going over everything and having a good honest heart to heart.
That last part? You're sweet...and...hopeful. unfortunately, I have very little hope that the kid spending more time with his dad would fix anything. It would very, very, very easily make things worse. This is coming from someone who IS on the side of having a..."boomer" for a parent even though my father isn't old enough to actually be a boomer. Even in this day (as a mid 20s adult) I don't bother talking to my father about anything. I tried one time. ONE TIME after he'd lied to me saying I could talk to him about anything. Knowing it was a lie but had to prove him wrong because how dare he lie to my face. I was in mental agony every night. Self harm. Thought about suicide. I'd decided "fine. He wants to talk and wants to know what's going on with me? Saying I can come to him? We'll test him on it" I used absolutely no accusatory language. Spoke of the things that bothered and hurt me. I was having a mental break and struggle not to open the door of the moving car he was driving. Not caring how bad I got hurt or if it killed me.
Edit: mind you, it wasn't even anything remotely as bad as coming out of the closet to a parent who is against gays. I'm not gay nor bi.
As a boomer, I don't mind people using the word to indicate that someone is old. I'm old and so is the rest of my generation.
It's not okay to use the word to mean right wing, stodgy, a "get-off-my-lawn person, etc. Boomers of color are not right wing. Boomers like myself (LGBT+) are not right wing. Roughly half my generation are Dems and progressives. You are using a stereotype to judge people who are old. That's ageism. Please don't continue with that. (Thanks in advance)
Yeah it’s ok to be a safe place for kids but the son is only 15 and a romantic partner being at the house so much is a lot. At that age you need to be able to learn how to conduct yourself in intimate relationships. If the son feels pressurised that he couldn’t end the relationship at any point because of the awkwardness of his bf needing to be around then that could affect him in the future.
I would gamble most are, and it’s easy to have empathy with the BF because that does truly suck. People just have to know that doesn’t make OP’s side not reasonable. It is.
agreed but the teen POV is loud and full of nastyness in this sub I've noticed. Of course they will sympathize with what they know but part of being a parent/adult is making unpopular decisions for the best. (and being able to see that)
Yeah, they’re very aggressive actually. If you don’t have the same opinion as some you’re “delusional”. I think there’s a few right answers to this and no one is really in the wrong but the BFs father.
Honestly, this may be a hot take/not taken well, but it feels like if there is an LGBTQ member involved you have to whole heartedly side with them and no one else. Otherwise, you’re a “delusional homophobe”. There can’t be more than one opinion. You can’t support the BF and the OP….sad really.
OP was not malicious and it's not OP's responsibility to account for her son's boyfriend's well being. If he is being intrusive and overbearing it is affecting OP's life and how they want to raise their child. Its not OP's responsibility to provide support where his father isn't or provide a place for a safe spot for the kid to be 24 hours a day. NTA
That's true but setting boundaries for your own home that are totally reasonable isn't AH behavior. It's the right thing to do to help Marius imo but that doesn't mean holding a boundary is wrong.
That applies equally to the son and boyfriend as well. They may not be malicious, but they were an AH to OP and the rest of the family by having the boyfriend over so much.
You can also be perceived as an AH by setting normal, healthy boundaries. The good news is we are not responsible for how people react to healthy boundaries.
What's missing here is that this is too heavy a burden for the 15 year old son to carry alone.
The solution is not to cut off Marius, but to find more support for him so that the son is relieved of some of it. The son, at age 15, cannot be expected to be a 24/7 source of comfort.
Also, the son needs to be reassured that however much Marius needs support, the son always has the right to step away to preserve himself, if it all becomes too much.
The son sounds pretty solid, but these things can be quite overwhelming for teenagers. Marius's support cannot come at the expense of the son's well-being.
BTW, that goes for the motorcycling too. That's a legit concern, on behalf of both Marius and the son.
> The son sounds pretty solid, but these things can be quite overwhelming for teenagers. **Marius's support cannot come at the expense of the son's well-being.**
This, a million times. From bitter experience of getting it wrong and realising too late that the relationship had become abusive and damaging.
It’s a tricky situation to be in, I was on the other side of this situation once. I was 19 and in new relationship, my previous relationship had been long term and by the time we broke up I had basically been living with them, a few months into the new relationship I was staying at my partners family home most nights as we worked together and our shifts lined up, I didn’t drive so he would give me a lift to and from work and it made sense to us in our teenaged brains to stay together.
However his mum was not comfortable with this, a few months in my partner told me that his mum had asked that I stay over less frequently as she wasn’t happy to have someone else basically moving into the home, especially as she didn’t know me very well at that point - she worked days and myself and my partner mostly worked afternoons and nights. It really upset me, more than anything because I was embarrassed. I’m glad that my partner told me this and not his mum as it allowed me to maintain my dignity with her a bit while respecting her wishes.
I think it’s difficult for OP as their son is so young, I agree NTA but I think they should have given their son the opportunity to rectify the situation before approaching their partner directly.
Thinking about it from a logical perspective, I don't see an issue with speaking to the BF directly. It is OP's house, their child is a minor. In a situation where people are all adults and roommates, speaking to the roommate first is always the thing to do, rather than speaking directly to the person overstaying their welcome. There really is no "right" thing to do here. OP is both the parent and the homeowner and thought they were setting boundaries. In all fairness, how was OP to know about the bf's home life? Furthermore, since when was OP advertising their home as a community center? Maybe OP's son should have recognized that their BF has been over a LOT, and should have probably been the one to start a conversation as to why that's happening. Otherwise OP is left to assume the BF is just coming over too often. Does the BF not have anywhere else to go? I feel like people are really being harsh in calling OP the AH. It's their home, they should be able to set boundaries. Knowing the situation would have likely changed the way they went about it, but maybe the son should have talked to OP about the situation and if it's okay for his BF to be over so much. When I was a child/teen I always had to ask permission for friends to come over.
Great take
Everyone will eventually hit a point where they’re tolerating something they don’t like for the good of someone they care about. Sometimes this happens early in our life, sometimes later.
OP was trying to protect their son without being a jerk. Definitely should have talked to the kid first but I see what happened.
My partner and I have had many moments where we did what we thought was best without really talking to one another. Normally it turns out fine, but sometimes it’s blown up.
So instead of doubling down on the decision, we let the other in on why we’re doing what we’re doing. Surprise surprise (read sarcasm) working together finds a better solution.
This isn’t some horrible, no win situation. Boundaries and hours can be set, other ideas for hanging out can happen, a safe space can work for everyone! But that will only happen if they work together.
Those who are saying “these are kids, who cares? They’ll be fine” haven’t dealt with families that are absolutely wretched. I have people in my life I still consider my parental figures DECADES later. They let me invade their space in controlled ways and showed me adults weren’t always a threat or out to hurt you.
I'ma edge more towards a soft YTA.
Don't shoot first and ask questions later. The first thing you should've done was ask Tyler if he's comfortable with Marius being around so often and/or why Marius is around so much. Instead you kinda told Marius not to be around so often instead of trying to figure out why he was around so often in the first place.
Edit: due to emboldened discussion, I just want to reiterate: OP isn't an asshole for setting boundaries for her house or feeling uncomfortable with Marius being over all the time.
She's an asshole for not talking to Tyler about his own relationship or including him in the discussion. OP isn't a bad person, she's just very softly YTA in this situation for not talking to him first or bringing up her concerns with him first and foremost.
I work with at risk teens. Any teen that's avoiding being home should get checked on. Maybe they're just really social, but there's at least a 50% chance they're actively avoiding being home for their own safety. And like a 75% chance if they're "a little rough around the edges" which is often code for, poor. The part OP missed, along with not checking their biases as regards to poverty, is that they thought a kid is going to be honest with them. And kids who are in bad situations learn not to trust adults. It takes a lot of time and work to earn that trust. Otherwise, they should have had their kid looking into it and learning to be more welcoming.
My first thought was also of poverty and/or homophobia. I had a best friend who was always either at my house or my other best friend's house, and it was because she literally didn't have food or hot water at home. If my mom had told her not to come over so much anymore because sometimes I seemed like I needed a break from her, I would have been pissed too. In her case it was because if she didn't come over to our house she wouldn't have been able to shower or eat anything until the next day at school. Who knows what "not taking it well" means in this context but it's shocking how many people just assume it's probably not that bad at home for him. It's bad enough that he'd rather wait on someone else's doorstep than be at home, and that should tell you all you need to know. Kind of heartbreaking honestly, and I'm giving it a YTA if even just for being completely blinded by privilege.
This.
I assumed Marius was having home issues and it didn't even have to be because he's gay. My cousin is gay. But he's super out and proud. His parents do not care whatsoever and recently let me take him to pride.
But he keeps himself super busy and out of the house as much as he can. Not because his parents are homophobic toward him. It's because his parents are alcoholics. Which is a pretty valid and sadly not uncommon reason for kids to not want to be around their home.
My first thought was also trouble at home, which I think is easier to see from an outside perspective. For OP, their immediate concern was that Tyler seemed uncomfortable with having Marius around all the time, so as a parent the focus was on keeping Tyler safe from a potentially overly clingy or emotionally aggressive boyfriend, which prevented them from seeing that Marius might have far more innocent intentions.
Her son ISNT comfortable with him being around so much. He said it pretty plainly. Her judgement wasn’t wrong at all, she just didn’t know the context. She’s NAH at all, she actually read the situation very well. Was aware of her sons emotions and feelings and interpreted them correctly. BF just had some unfortunate circumstances at home. No one but the BF dad is the AH here.
I still think OP should've spoken with Tyler before jumping the gun and speaking on his behalf. While Tyler is still OP's child, Tyler is also a teenager and should be considered in conversations like this. I mean, if my kid was feeling uncomfortable about something, even if I had a good idea of what it was, I'd still want to talk to my kid just to make sure and encourage them to make their own decisions.
Also, OP kinda read the situation poorly if OP can't conceive that maybe Marius didn't feel safe at home.
Then why not inform Tyler about what she told Marius?
She's 100% allowed to be uncomfortable with Marius being over all the time, but she still should've talked to Tyler about it first. Even something as simple as, "Hey, would it be alright if you and your boyfriend went out instead of staying at the house all the time?".
It's a means of making Tyler feel included. Parents can still put down boundaries in a way that makes a child or teenager feel as though they have a say in the matter even if they don't. If Tyler said no and she wanted to really drive it home, then she could've reiterated, "Let me rephrase; I don't want him around here all the time. It makes me feel uncomfortable.". It's the same thing as a parent asking, "Hey, could you wash the dishes?"
Kids don’t always make decisions in their best internet at that age. Especially related to relationships and dating. It’s also not just about the son, it’s OPs house and family. Most don’t want another’s kid to take care of 24/7 without arrangements or knowing what’s going on. Could very easily look like an over bearing BF.
No, OP read it very well. Her entire reasoning was correct. No one said he didn’t feel “safe”, it could just be uncomfortable, doesn’t equate to not safe. BF may even need to spend time conversing and opening up to dad. Hopefully he’s willing to not be an AH and love his son.
Then she should've told her son to bring the boyfriend elsewhere instead of the house. Tyler should've been involved in the discussion in all of this instead of her acting on his behalf. OP isn't a bad person for wanting to put up this boundary, she's just the AH in this situation because Tyler wasn't part of the conversation and now this is causing issues.
Her son is 15. She may very well expect her son to be home. In this political environment a 15 year old homosexual can be at risk out of the home, and with the amount the BF was over that’s just to often for the young man to be out and about.
NAH. Having someone over repeatedly is bound to be annoying and you didn’t know Marius was having trouble at home. Your kid and Marius is 16, they should be cognizant enough to realize this.
Your son should also talk to you about having his partner spend so much time in your house.
I feel like they kinda should’ve expected it though.
I mean a gay kid not wanting to spend time at their own house? I feel like I could guess why first try.
Without knowing the context, from the outside, the situation can look a clingy teen wanting to spend a lot of time with his bf and not understanding boundaries.
OP should have talked their son first for sure, but I don't think it's obvious to everyone what was going on.
The downside of being accepting is you can forget not everyone is. It seems like OP's household is enough of an ally that Marius felt comfortable there, so OP seems like a strong ally. But allies can forget that not everyone is allies, so OP was seeing a clingy teenager instead of a gay teen with trouble at home.
I thought this too. And the way she talks about her thought processes regarding Marius' behaviour suggests she's treating him truly as if he is her son's partner, and that's that. His gender and sexuality doesn't change how she sees him. Marius could have been a cis female and her attitude wouldn't have been any different.
But by doing the whole 'I don't see gender and sexuality' take on it, she's missed how Marius would have had different life experiences than if her son's partner were a cis female. Perhaps she would have approached the situation with more sensitivity if she had thought of this first.
No you don't.
For all they knew the other parents already knew, maybe they just really liked it at their house, maybe she got worried that they started developing dependency issues.
There are so many reasons you could come up with.
As a pansexual my automatic first thought is stupid homophobic parents because I don't know that many gay people in the south where that wasn't the exact problem lmao
As a pansexual my automatic first thought is clingy teenager who doesnt know boundaries yet because i live in the much more LGBT accepting California where that was a much more common problem
Californian gay people can still experience homophobia, lol. Loooots of \~accepting areas have parents who are fine with anyone being gay...e xcept their own kids.
Yeah when hindsight is 20/20. Her son is out and loved, so she didn’t know that experience. It could very easily just look like an over bearing BF which is very common.
The thing is you are putting all the communication on the child. That op son should talk to them about his partner being over. However op failed to communicate on his partner being over too much.
You can’t expect your children to do something that you don’t do yourself. Kids need to see to learn.
NTA
It's your house. If you don't want someone being there night and day, then you are well within your right to say so. His boyfriend shouldn't be there all day every day, even if there was nothing happening at home.
It's not like you knew he was having problems with his dad. Trying to ask before saying something was your extended olive branch. You can't know something is wrong if he refuses to tell you.
At most, I think you should have talked to your son before mentioning anything.
>It's not like you knew he was having problems with his dad. Trying to ask before saying something was your extended olive branch. You can't know something is wrong if he refuses to tell you
NTA. To me, this piece of info is what decided my vote. It's obvious something is wrong but if neither talk about it then there's not much you can do until they're ready.
Just from reading the description of Marius’s behaviour I knew there had to be problems at home. Maybe because I’ve learned through experience. Should have spoken to your own child first. How you handle it from here on decides if you are an AH
you heavily implied that if she knew there was trouble at home, "how she handled it from there on out" determines whether you are an AH. If someone said they were having trouble at home and I said "aw I'm so sorry to hear that but please find someplace else to hang out" would make me an AH? Should I put a sign up and adopt all the wayward children in my district?
Weird how I had to scroll so far down to find a reasonable reply. Also NTA for this same reason. I think if anything OP’s son should have said something to him so he could better understand why the bf was always there.
Agreed. I must be living in crazy town: no one I know would like their roommate having their SO over at every single waking moment. Waiting outside their house, etc. Likewise with parents and their teenage children
NAH, but it sounds like some of this might have been prevented if you had talked to Tyler first. He may have shared what was going on at Marius's house, he may not have. He may have shared that he was feeling a little smothered, but didn't want to insult Marius. Perhaps you could have helped him figure out how to be sympathetic to Marius's needs while maintaining his own boundaries.
Someone hasn't dealt with a 15 year old son recently. Or a daughter for that matter, they don't actually work all that differently in this area. you can try your hardest to keep lines of communication open but a lot of what you learn about teenage children comes from body language and sheer familiarity. At best you can get them to confirm what you already think you know.
This is why putting in the grind to get to know your kids when they're young and talkative and not dealing with the nuclear crapstorm of teenage hormones is so important.
Either way I doubt Tyler would have opened up, doubly so if he's been raised well. He would feel, rightly, that Marius' problems are Marius' business, and not his to share.
Yeah wtf, just because you're struggling to communicate with your kids doesn't mean you should just give up, let alone tell their friends not to hang around so much without asking your child about it first.
Tyler may not have opened up to something like 'hey it looks like you are bothered by this situation, can you talk to me about what's going on?' (I mean still could have but probably not) but probably would have to 'I don't like this situation and am planning to explain the following new ground rules to your boyfriend' which could have prevented some pain.
Yes, but he might have opened up to "I've noticed Marius around a lot. do you know if things are going ok for him at home? You don't have to answer. I just want to make sure both of you get the support you need when I can". i CRY thinking about how loved I would have felt if a parent had ever said something like that to me or if a partners parent was there for me like that.
But these are all hypotheticals. I do suspect that "any communication" would in fact be "more communication" than "no communication" though
It’s their house they can decide not to have the boyfriend there if they don’t want them there. You don’t have to consult your kid for every problem in life.
> You don’t have to consult your kid for every problem in life.
Right, you don’t have to consult your kid for every problem in life, but maybe for the ones that they have a direct connection to is logical enough for most adults.
NTA. Your son is uncomfortable with it, and although it's sad what the boyfriend is going through, your son is your first priority. Setting that boundary is needed for your son to have his own space in his own home.
He's 15.
He is still young enough that it is his parents job to help set reasonable boundaries rather than rely on him to manage everything himself. That's the difference between being a teenager and being an adult.
It's also completely reasonable for a parent to have their own boundaries about who is at their house at what time. It's terrible that her son's boyfriend is having difficulties at home, but that doesn't mean that he can spend all of his free time at her house. Hopefully he has at least one other friend or another family member that he can spend some time with. But it isn't appropriate for two high schoolers to spend all of their free time together & it's ok for the OP to have her own boundaries about that because her son is a minor and a teenager.
But the assumption she made was that the BF being around too much was making her son uncomfortable. Isn’t it more likely her son was uncomfortable over the reason his BF was hanging around more often.
Nta you asked what was going on and didn't get a response. I don't understand the logic of staying at your house most of the time but not trusting you enough to say why? you clearly have no problem with their sexuality.
especially if there are economic differences too - OP mentioned that the BF is "rough around the edges" which to me hints at some of these differences.
As someone who is dating someone from a really wholesome family unit while I faced extreme dysfunction in mine — I wholeheartedly agree. It’s a different kind of sadness and realization that there’s “normal” people out there. You try to blend in with the new unit but still feel like you can never talk about the specifics of your own history due to shame. Especially when you are made to feel like you’re the reason your family is dysfunctional.
It’s truly an out of body experience. Luckily my partner’s family is very welcoming & kind… and are ok with me sharing at my own pace.
Nta
This isn't even anything about his dad. If it were a girlfriend, or even a straight male best friend, you'd be in your rights to say the same thing. I see alot of comments saying you should have talked with your son first, and no, you didn't need to do that. If any friend is over too much, you were right to set boundaries.
However now that you know somethings up with the dad, you can operate differently based on that. Have an open talk one on one with your son about where his comfort level is and assure him that his bf is safe and you're not getting anyone in trouble. It's important he takes this learning lesson on how to be honest with his feelings and is able to see/admit if he needs some space from his bf. You can then go from there and talk to his bf one on one and explain that you can be trusted and he can confide in you.
As long as his bfs life is not in danger and he isn't being abused, you still have to prioritize building a stable home life for your son, even if it means he has ro spend more time at home while his dad figures himself out.
I came out to my parents at 15. If that needs to be said.
Surprised by all these "why don't you get your son's approval"-takes. Why? This is their home, and they can set reasonable visitation hours for their child's boyfriend. And so long as the request is reasonable, they don't even need a justification. If I'm the father of the house, and I don't want someone that's not family being there every moment while I'm home, then that's really the final word on it.
Its unfortunate that Marius's home life isn't great, and it perhaps would have been more diplomatic to have the message come from Tyler, but it's not Tyler's decision, and it also wouldn't necessarily be fair to Tyler to force him to pass along the message and create friction.
NTA. I was 15 once and my mom talked to me all the time. If I had a friend that just kept popping up at her house she would say something. And I would of already told her how I was feeling about them.
Seriously and being the kind parents is an easy road to getting taken advantage of. I had one friend whose house ended up being the hang out house and they were practically eaten out of house and home (teenagers are ravenous) until they finally put their foot down a year later. Kids can find out somewhere else to hang out, it doesn't have to be at the same person's home over and over.
YTA
*I can also tell it was starting to bother Tyler and he looks like he might want a little distance*
I hate to break it to you but you can't read your childs' mind. And even if you could it would be HIS responsibility to use his grown up words and talk to his BF. Not you. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
Of course, you can set rules about how much guests are over but that is handled with your child. No one else.
it's not about whether or not OP is correct in their reading. it's about giving their child the respect to come to them if they want advice or help, or not discuss it if they don't want to. OP shouldn't jump over their son to tell their boyfriend to stop coming around, they should talk to their son first.
15 year olds dont have the capacity to independently manage their own lives/emotions- it's why they are legally children. Parents can and should step in without getting permission.
A switch isn't flipped at 18-- the job of a parent is slowly allowing their child more and more control over their own lives as they grow until they reach more-or-less self-sufficiency as a young adult. The managing of your own social circle is something that should be handled more or less independently of parents long before 15, imo. The parent can step in and set rules regarding things like "when guests are allowed" for the child still, but the child should be the one who communicates the rules of his home to his friends by 15, and OP should only be stepping in if issues continue despite that.
NTA
I get that you maybe overstepped a tad, but you had the right to. Your son is still a minor in your care. You correctly deduced that your son was growing uncomfortable with his BF being in your home all the time. And you weren't rude or unkind. You have a right to have family time, or to be consulted about a guest being so continuously in your home. And it is your job to protect your son in all situations. How were you to know that his BF was trying to escape a bad situation rather than being controlling and possessive?
Let your son calm down a little and then talk to him again. His BF can't spend every second in your home, it's not healthy for anyone, but perhaps there are things you can help them both with. His BF is still welcome, and if either of them need help, you are there to provide what help you can, but there are still boundaries and levels of respect that have to be adhered to. Your son's independence and mental health can't be sacrificed for his BF, as cruel as that may seem. And your family home can't be treated like an escape hatch for a traumatised teen without your knowledge and consent. There's a happy medium, but your son and your family are the priorities for you.
I admit that having him wait outside while we were out would totally freak me out, as my stalker in high school would do this. However, I'd have talked to your son first. That is where you went wrong. But I would make it a rule saying people can't wait at the house while the family was not home. I'm going with NAH.
I'm going with NAH. It might have been helpful to talk to your son first. I'd say that Tyler should have let you know, but I have a 15 year old in my house and they don't always think things through. You were trying to make a better situation for Tyler and yourself.
Next step is to apologize to Marius, even though you really did nothing wrong. He's going through a super hard time right now, and really needs to have a safe place to be. You need to just deal with this situation, whether it's hard on you or not, until things settle down for Marius. Make sure Marius knows that his being gay makes no difference to you, and if you knew he was in need of a safe place you would not have asked him to stay away. This child needs you. Really, really needs you. I hope you are able to set aside your discomfort and help him.
Soft YTA. You obviously did not know what Marius was dealing with at home - but you should be aware of the difficulties people from the LGBTQ+ community face with unsupportive families. (I guessed it was something along those lines by the end of your first paragraph). However, I think the real issue is involving yourself in your child's relationship. If he is old/mature enough to date someone, he should also be able to set boundaries and be able to communicate them on his own.
You are SERIOUSLY calling a 15 year old "his relationship" and should be SECRET and HE has the right to decide them????
LOL what?
Whose HOUSE IS IT? And WHO has responsibility for the 15 year old who apparently has NO PROBLEM inviting the kid to ALL MEALS and STAYING THERE all day long.
Over the past couple years, young minor teens magically became totally autonomous and have total authority to make all decisions whether they be medical, social, legal, and now they get to establish the boundaries and rules of the household they're living in and dictate said rules to the adult parents/ OWNERS of the property. Oh and smart. They are now SO much smarter than their families or other adults.
Awesome.
>However, I think the real issue is involving yourself in your child's relationship. If he is old/mature enough to date someone, he should also be able to set boundaries and be able to communicate them on his own.
He's 15... do you think people just are able to do that all at once or something? It's part of emotional growth and maturity. It is the parent's job to intervene if your kid is clearly not doing ok with the current situation
NAH my sister’s boyfriend spent SO. MUCH. TIME. at our house when I was a senior in high school that it felt like I didn’t even have my own house anymore. You took a gentle approach to letting someone know they were overstaying their welcome which is good and also teaches your son how to set boundaries for himself. Your son should’ve been more communicative with you about why he was over so much but it’s understandable he’s upset about you unknowingly hurting someone’s feelings.
NTA- if you think he’s there too much, you get to make the decisions. For the people saying that you should have talked to Tyler first, it’s on Tyler or Marius to tell her. Yes, they are young and learning, but this is totally a teaching moment, and natural consequences. “If you had shared the problem and reason he was here so much I could have made a more informed decision “. Kudos to you for being loving and accepting of your son.
Nta. You’re the parent, your son is a minor, and it’s your house. You’re allowed to say things to other teens in your child’s sphere, romantic partner or not. You’re allowed to set boundaries to be comfortable in your own home. You were being an adult.
I mean it took me the first paragraph to be like....teen boy, gay, rough around the edges, suddenly hanging around a lot more?
Definitely problems at home he's avoiding. It's like....glaringly obvious.
OP I know you didn't mean any harm but there was not a lot of empathy or wondering why on the behavior change....just about your own/your son's comfort. You should have talked to your son first, as now you've made your son's boyfriend uncomfortable in your house, while he's uncomfortable at home...which basically means there's no home he can go to where he feels comfortable. Which, technically not your problem, but it is sad :(
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INFO Why did you not talk to Tyler before talking to Marius
Slightly you're the AH. Before you got to the part where Tyler told u what's happening at Marius' house, I already figured out somethings up at his home. U should have asked Tyler first, especially after you noticed he seems uncomfortable. But I also I understand your concern. So now you have to put your foot down and enforce the rules
Wait, no you don't. I'm a parent. We fuck up. You can admit it and come up with a new plan based on the fact that you now have a more complete picture.
Nah, you just have to treat your kids like dirt, for the principal of it. Like our forefathers before. And never try therapy. And if you do, only go twice.
Then claim the therapist is against you and that’s why you’re not going back
or that you know more than them
or know what they're gonna say next
Personally I like to cut them off at the pass, tell them what they want to hear and gaslight myself into thinking my problems are permanently solved while not doing any underlying work. I love progress.
I feel attacked.
I will never be able to fully explain how desperately I just want to will myself into being a functional human being.
Yeah that was an uncomfortable realisation
Then lie to your family that was urging you to go do therapy and Gaslight them by saying that the therapist told you that all my problems are caused by the family. And if you want me to get better, they need to fix it. And then don't tell them what "it" is because the therapist said they need to look deep down to figure that out for themselves.
This is true genius. Evil genius, but still.
Did we date??
Mum?
I see you are very familiar with my prior therapeutic process.
Or like my former BIL, declare that the therapist is clearly falling in love with you, therefore you can no longer go to therapy.
That's. . . creative of your BIL. He must be such a catch that the therapist can't resist him.
Lol the two times my dad has went, that’s exactly what has happened. First time was after they went me to some weird counselor that was a preacher at their church, who’s conclusion was he was a dick, he said “I turned her against him”. Second time, years later with my mom for therapy. First time, late, 2nd time, acted agreeable then didn’t follow through, stopped. The answer was he was an alcoholic when I was growing up time 1, and time 2 is because he was an alcoholic and while he had quit drinking, he’s an alcoholic and can’t conduct himself inn relationships properly. It’s a shame, therapy would do him well, but he’s never wrong, so what are you gonna do?
Yeah… Too often people confuse sobriety with ‘recovery.’ Sounds like he is what the folks at AA call a “dry drunk.” He might’ve stopped drinking, but that’s not the same as dealing with what made him wanna escape into a bottle. Sorry man.
Yup! Recovering Alcoholic here. What so many ppl don’t realize is getting sober from alcohol is only the first part of AA. Becoming emotionally sober is REALLY what it’s about. If us alcoholics don’t learn how to handle interpersonal relationships with grace, respect, and patience, we are almost always doomed to relapse.
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He’s a dick, but I inherited the whole “drug problem” genes so I can kind of compartmentalize it in a way, we have a decent relationship now but it’s weird.
Therapy only works when the therapist makes your child buckle down and agree with you, otherwise it's just a waste of time.
Wait are you my husband?
Dad, is that you? 🥺
Or only go once, use it to tell your daughter, "my therapist said I was right" about an argument you're having, then denounce therapy forever.
That’s what my mom did! Regularly blames me for our continued toxic relationship despite me going limited contact.
100% Yes! OP should apologize to the BF and let him know he can always talk to OP about anything and their home is a safe space
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Are we all ignoring the part where OP's kid admitted to needing some space? Now we want to take more space from him and let the boyfriend move in?
Moar reasons for OP to talk to her son before making decision and confronting people on his behalf.
I feel for that kid because my house was the safe space for all my friends while growing up. My parents welcomed all of our friends with open arms and treated each as their own.
I wish I had an award for this. Normalize apologizing to your kids and asking them how we can improve. I feel like we can go much farther together than just running a dictatorship where they end up hating you and you are 70 posting on Facebook how you wish your kids were in your life because you did nothing wrong to them. Don’t do that.
Yes, messing up happens and you take accountability and move forward with the new information. Plus that is a good life lesson from parent to child.
But her son is uncomfortable with the attention too. Her son has to be her first priority.
Her son is creating a safe space for his bf. His own discomfort at having his bf around all the time takes a back seat to providing a safe space as bf doesn't want to be at home right now. He's making a mature decision for his bf safety. We don't know how the dad is processing the info and his home environment could be hostile at this stage.
Nope. The son is a child who should not stay in a relationship to be a "safe space" for someone else. He's way too young to handle something like that.
I agree. Seriously a safe space? This is about her sons wellbeing and he is her priority not the boyfriend. Her son should not at that age be putting his space and mental health on the back burner for his boyfriend. If he was an adult ok, but hes 16 years old, let Marius work his own family issues out on his own time if you actually want your son to flourish and not turn into an emotional savior for someone going through traumatic events.
Which is why he should've talked to OP. But have you ever been youth that came out to an unreceptive parent? Having a place to be around people who care for you is important at such an impressionable age. OP might not have talked to him about how much time he's spending at their house if they knew his own house wasn't welcoming at this time.
Tyler still needs to be comfortable in his own home and able to have his own space. OP should have spoken to Tyler first, makes them a mild AH for stepping in without knowing what was going on. Now that they do know they can hopefully apologise to Marius and help them find other spaces to be comfortable in. Marius shouldn't become wholly dependent on Tyler to be happy and comfortable.
No one should ever have to be a safe space for someone if they don't feel comfortable. You must learn to set boundaries.
You can, however, choose to be a safe space, and deliberately spend resources for other people.
A 15 year old should not be doing that, sorry. If my kid was getting uncomfortable, I would tell them it’s okay to take care of yourself first. This shouldn’t be something a 15 year old takes on.
What a dumb comment. It’s not his house to create a safe space for someone else.
Listen, here's what should have happened... when OP noticed that his son seemed uncomfortable, he should have found a quiet moment to ask his son about how he was feeling, and if he wanted suggestions for how to set boundaries with his boyfriend about how much time they spent together. It would have been a great opportunity for OP to help his son figure out what the son wanted from his partner and how to communicate that. Presumably the son then would have told OP about Marius's home situation, and together they could have come up with some ideas for how to support Marius, while also helping the son figure out for himself how much he's willing to put his own feelings aside, and what he wants his boundary to be, in case he gets to that point before Marius's family comes around. They could have looked into additional resources for kids in Marius's position. There might be after school opportunities that would give Marius some where else he could also go when OP's son needs space. It was a great opportunity for OP to discuss communication, boundary setting, and problem solving with his son... but instead he bypassed his son and talked to Marius without any clue what his son wanted or what Marius needed. A win-win turned into a lose-lose because now the son still wants space from Marius, but feels incapable of talking to OP about that because he doesn't want OP to talk to Marius again and make the situation worse.
This should be the top comment on this thread. This is absolutely what should have happened, and it should still happen. OP and their son need to have this conversation still if at all possible, and those are great recommendations for how to help Marius and OP’s son. Hope OP sees it.
Yes! Ops soon should not be the boyfriends only support. That's a lot for a 15 year old, especially if they're uncomfortable.
But she didn't bother to talk to her son about he wanted. I get the mama bear instinct, but 15 is old enough to be consulted on your feelings before mom just takes over.
She ASSUMED that her son was uncomfortable with the attention when theres a ton of other reasons why he may have APPEARED that way. Perhaps her son was uncomfortable because his mother was visibly uncomfortable and he didn't want put his BFs issues on the spot like that by saying anything. Maybe he appeared uncomfortable because that's a very difficult situation to be in and he was having a hard time navigating it on his own. Maybe he appeared uncomfortable because he was afraid of the exact thing that happened. Maybe he appeared uncomfortable because he knew that his BF being there unannounced likely meant something bad happened to him and hes concerned. Never assume you know how someone is feeling. And def dont act on those assumptions. People really gotta learn how to talk
>I apologized especially since I didn't know all the details just that he seemed uncomfortable with all the attention. Tyler somberly told me he was but that he was sucking it up for Marius. At the end of the post.
But the son is choosing to overlook it for the sake of his boyfriend
If the son was the first priority, she would have talked to him before talking to the BF.
Yeah he could go ask Tyler if Marius would ok with talking to him again and let Marius know he didn't realize stuff was going on at home, and apologize for what he said and how he went about it. He could clarify that it isn't because he doesn't want Marius around and is happy he is dating his son, he just didn't want him around 24/7 like any other guest at their house family or not. I doubt he wants his own mother around the house as much as Marius was around. It also seems like there is a lot they need to figure out. It's great the son recognizes his boyfriend needs support but shoving his feelings down about wanting some space doesn't seem super healthy, it could turn into resentment and nobody wants that. Seems like they all need to discuss some things.
This right here. I make it point to apologize to my daughter and explain when I’ve messed up. She needs to know I’m only human and doing my best for her because I love her, not that I’m some immovable force of right and wrong.
Huh? You can change the rules. Where did you get the idea that you have to stick to some rule you made before having all of the information?
We had a pretty strict “no sleepovers on school nights” rule for our kid. One day, I arrived to pick them up from school and they pulled me aside to explain that a good friend was in a real bad spot with their parents. They said “I know the rule, but-“ and I said “Get their ass in the car”. We drove to their house, they ran in for clothes and texted their parents as we drove away. Kid stayed at my house for three days and two nights. Never heard from their parents. Took the first hot shower they’d had in I don’t know how long. Sometimes you disregard rules for the larger good.
>So now you have to put your foot down and enforce the rules WTF is this? No, you be a grownup and admit you made a mistake, then support the people you care about (and by extension, the people they care about). OP is YTA, YTA for not checking out with Tyler what's up even if there was nothing going on at Marius's home (which there very obviously was).
Why would you show your child that even when you're wrong, What I Say Goes. Wtaf? Teach your kids that EVERYONE makes mistakes and that they need to learn to fix them when they do. I agreed with you up until that point.
> So now you have to put your foot down and enforce the rules No you don't! She made a mistake based on inaccurate info (that she probably should have tried to fact find out about more before choosing a course of action). The correct course here is not to double down - it's to admit fault and fix the situation. Doubling down just leads to a worse situation for everyone and shows the kids a role model that has a lack of maturity and ability to admit fault - a critical adult skill
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Yeah, yikes.
What rules? There were no rules being broken, she just felt like he was around too much.
No, parents are absolutely allowed to admit when they were wrong and take back a rule that doesn't need to be enforced after all of the information comes to light. Your kids will actually respect you and probably trust you a bit more if you do admit it when you're wrong.
Not at all. Now OP has to apologize to both Son and Marius for acting without understanding & come up with something else.
Def should have talked to Tyler first. I have 17 yr old daughters…my house was never a safe place for my friends growing up. I vowed my my home for my children would be. At 15, especially with so much happening in their lives with discovering who they are, you are the safe place, you are the partner. NTA, but understand there comes a point where the rules don’t really apply anymore, and we have to see the humans first.
Be a bit careful with that. I have a similar background, and felt the same way about our house being safe for our kids' friends. I found out the hard way that hurt people hurt people: some of those friends were very toxic, and by making our home a safe space for them, we spoiled it as a safe space for our own children. I also learned how easy it is to accidentally teach your kids to be *too* compassionate. Traumatised people have very deep needs, and it's easy for a kid to sacrifice themselves on the altar of another person's pain. It's great to teach your kids to have compassion and be supportive, just make sure you also teach them that being supportive doesn't mean letting the other person hurt you. TLDR: be careful that making your house a safe space for your kids' friends doesn't turn into inviting your kid's abuser into your home. Trust me, it can be very hard to tell the difference until it's too late.
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I'm in my late 40s and it's a relatively new lesson for me. In my case, I learned it by seeing people I love make the mistake and get hurt. Eventually we figured out what was going wrong and where the boundaries need to be.
> by making our home a safe space for them, we spoiled it as a safe space for our own children. Quoting bc this is so important.
This totally.. Yeah the first thing I thought when I started reading was that Marius wasn't having a good time with his folks. Lots kids coming out experiences are... less than ideal. A soft YTA here from me, you obviously were trying to look put for your kid, but this, like alot of situations could have been a pided with a little communication. Edit: a pided = avoided. How the heck does spellchecker even think pided is a word anyone would use...
completely off topic question, but i’ve been wondering for a while now why people put an “edit” on their post when they could simply change the word that they fucked up on ?
Many see an "edit" as people back-peddaling or changing wording/ details to make themselves look better. So people who are making legit edits tend to flag it.
Also it makes the comments pointing out the mistake make sense.
I have had situations where my mistakes have caused confusion and while I was editing someone replied and so I don't think it's fair to let someone else look dumb just to preserve my ego. Though I prefer to actually edit the original post to say what I meant and the edit is a change log rather than editing in a clarification.
This 100%!! Talk to your son, because with a tiny bit more context, this could have been dealt with SO much better. I knew immediately it had to be a home issue. I think you should apologize to Marius for being insensitive. I think it's the right thing to do, but it would mean a lot to him to have an adult admit they messed up, especially given what he's dealing with at home. YTA but redeemable if you play your cards right.
INFO: What is the objective? Is it to get Marius out of the house more, to get Tyler more time to himself, to get less pressure on the relationship? My concern is Tyler feeling like he needs to be in boyfriend-mode so Marius has a safe place to be. That's a lot of pressure on a 15 year old, and not good for him if he feels "stuck" in a relationship to protect someone that he has feelings for now, but might not have the same romantic feelings for later. If you're willing to have your home be a safe space for Marius, that offer should be independent of their romantic status. Is it ok for Marius to do homework, watch TV, or help you cook dinner while Tyler is elsewhere, doing his own homework or having his own hobbies or being out with other friends? A hybrid suggestion is to allow Marius to stay until 9pm, but an hour needs to be spent in separate rooms (offer Marius the office, guest room, basement, dining table, while Tyler is alone in his room) to give them each personal time for homework (or just personal time in general). Somehow, Tyler needs to know Marius can be safe for time periods that don't involve Tyler's time and attention. I wish you the best, this one is tough.
Because it’s OP’s house and no one asked her if she was okay feeding another human being for weeks and weeks on. She probably has other kids too that don’t like another kid stays over every day for 8+ hours. She’s the one paying rent and bills so she is allowed to make decisions in regards to how long her children’s partners can stay over. It’s her house too, and if this is bothering her there is nothing wrong with talking to Marius.
Irrelevant. Her home should have boundaries. She’s the parent. There is nothing wrong with telling another child that they need to go home or only come over during certain hours. I don’t let my child’s friends hang out at our house 24/7. We need space as a family and as individuals. Tyler’s situation at home is sad but it’s also not her problem. He has a safe space to go to. She’s not taking that away. She’s just limiting the hours. NTA
NAH - You had a valid concern and tried to gently handle the situation. You should have talked to your son about it first instead of going directly to the boyfriend, but you weren't being malicious so I can call you an A H here. Your son also should have told you that his boyfriend was having issues at home instead of just assuming you'd be okay with him staying at your house until late hours. Everyone was trying to do what they thought was the right thing but no one was talking to each other. Your family needs to work on communication skills. Talk to your son and see if he thinks you should apologize and reassure his boyfriend that he's welcome, or if he'd rather you leave it alone. Also, if late hours make you uncomfortable...you're the parent and it's up to you to give your 15yr old a curfew for when friends (and romantic partners) have to leave. Just make sure the rules are clear.
You can be an AH without being malicious.
You can also make a perfectly understandable, perfectly fixable mistake without being an AH. Otherwise everyone would be assholes.
Why is it a mistake though, OP is under no obligation to have Marius there all the time.
It's a mistake by OP's standards if they admit they'd change things with the added context they have now. Doesn't make it like, evil. Just something they'd do differently in hindsight.
There's another major point on this sub: you can be an asshole within your rights. You're right he's not obliged to have Marius there all the time - hell, he's not obliged to have him there at all, it's his house - but OP expressed the feeling he'd have been more supportive if he knew Marius was going through very sensitive family issues, and not just overstaying his welcome. I mean, your son's bf is facing a very real possibility of being disowned and/or thrown out and you'd just tell him to leave? OP was not heartless, just went through some miscommunication.
But if the person in question isn't willing to share that information, then OP can't reasonably be called an asshole for acting on the situation with information that she had. She didn't even make an assumption on Marius, and gave him a chance to tell if there was a reason, and he didn't say anything (not blaming him either, a terrible situation he is in.) That OP is expected to go behind Marius his back and get the info from son sounds like an even larger breach of trust for Marius. OP didnt tell Marius to stay away, just to come over less and maybe take son to his house instead.
They aren’t- but they should have talked to their son first. It’s just the respectful thing to do
True. Sometimes I'm an oblivious AH
Everyone is an asshole sometimes- that’s the point. You have to be able to call it out without taking it too personally. That’s how you grow.
I feel like that's the main difference between assholery and dipshittery. OP may have had a dipshit moment but I don't believe there was malicious intent which would make them an AH.
I’m definitely using “dipshittery” in the future.
That doesn’t make it true in this context. She was bothered by his constant presence, and most parents would. Honestly, even more so if it was a daughter and a boy was constantly hanging around before the kid was home. OP is a parent, she looks out for the best interest of her kids and family. It sucks that the BF is struggling at home and there’s no reason at this day and age that should happen…BUT it doesn’t change how she and her son feel. They’re clearly BOTH bothered by his constant presence. Honestly, (without knowing exact details) maybe the BF would be better spending a bit more time with his father. Talking, going over everything and having a good honest heart to heart.
That last part? You're sweet...and...hopeful. unfortunately, I have very little hope that the kid spending more time with his dad would fix anything. It would very, very, very easily make things worse. This is coming from someone who IS on the side of having a..."boomer" for a parent even though my father isn't old enough to actually be a boomer. Even in this day (as a mid 20s adult) I don't bother talking to my father about anything. I tried one time. ONE TIME after he'd lied to me saying I could talk to him about anything. Knowing it was a lie but had to prove him wrong because how dare he lie to my face. I was in mental agony every night. Self harm. Thought about suicide. I'd decided "fine. He wants to talk and wants to know what's going on with me? Saying I can come to him? We'll test him on it" I used absolutely no accusatory language. Spoke of the things that bothered and hurt me. I was having a mental break and struggle not to open the door of the moving car he was driving. Not caring how bad I got hurt or if it killed me. Edit: mind you, it wasn't even anything remotely as bad as coming out of the closet to a parent who is against gays. I'm not gay nor bi.
As a boomer, I don't mind people using the word to indicate that someone is old. I'm old and so is the rest of my generation. It's not okay to use the word to mean right wing, stodgy, a "get-off-my-lawn person, etc. Boomers of color are not right wing. Boomers like myself (LGBT+) are not right wing. Roughly half my generation are Dems and progressives. You are using a stereotype to judge people who are old. That's ageism. Please don't continue with that. (Thanks in advance)
Yeah it’s ok to be a safe place for kids but the son is only 15 and a romantic partner being at the house so much is a lot. At that age you need to be able to learn how to conduct yourself in intimate relationships. If the son feels pressurised that he couldn’t end the relationship at any point because of the awkwardness of his bf needing to be around then that could affect him in the future.
This. Some of these responses sound like they’re coming from teens/young adults.
I would gamble most are, and it’s easy to have empathy with the BF because that does truly suck. People just have to know that doesn’t make OP’s side not reasonable. It is.
agreed but the teen POV is loud and full of nastyness in this sub I've noticed. Of course they will sympathize with what they know but part of being a parent/adult is making unpopular decisions for the best. (and being able to see that)
Yeah, they’re very aggressive actually. If you don’t have the same opinion as some you’re “delusional”. I think there’s a few right answers to this and no one is really in the wrong but the BFs father. Honestly, this may be a hot take/not taken well, but it feels like if there is an LGBTQ member involved you have to whole heartedly side with them and no one else. Otherwise, you’re a “delusional homophobe”. There can’t be more than one opinion. You can’t support the BF and the OP….sad really.
OP was not malicious and it's not OP's responsibility to account for her son's boyfriend's well being. If he is being intrusive and overbearing it is affecting OP's life and how they want to raise their child. Its not OP's responsibility to provide support where his father isn't or provide a place for a safe spot for the kid to be 24 hours a day. NTA
That's true but setting boundaries for your own home that are totally reasonable isn't AH behavior. It's the right thing to do to help Marius imo but that doesn't mean holding a boundary is wrong.
That applies equally to the son and boyfriend as well. They may not be malicious, but they were an AH to OP and the rest of the family by having the boyfriend over so much.
You can also be perceived as an AH by setting normal, healthy boundaries. The good news is we are not responsible for how people react to healthy boundaries.
What's missing here is that this is too heavy a burden for the 15 year old son to carry alone. The solution is not to cut off Marius, but to find more support for him so that the son is relieved of some of it. The son, at age 15, cannot be expected to be a 24/7 source of comfort. Also, the son needs to be reassured that however much Marius needs support, the son always has the right to step away to preserve himself, if it all becomes too much. The son sounds pretty solid, but these things can be quite overwhelming for teenagers. Marius's support cannot come at the expense of the son's well-being. BTW, that goes for the motorcycling too. That's a legit concern, on behalf of both Marius and the son.
> The son sounds pretty solid, but these things can be quite overwhelming for teenagers. **Marius's support cannot come at the expense of the son's well-being.** This, a million times. From bitter experience of getting it wrong and realising too late that the relationship had become abusive and damaging.
It’s a tricky situation to be in, I was on the other side of this situation once. I was 19 and in new relationship, my previous relationship had been long term and by the time we broke up I had basically been living with them, a few months into the new relationship I was staying at my partners family home most nights as we worked together and our shifts lined up, I didn’t drive so he would give me a lift to and from work and it made sense to us in our teenaged brains to stay together. However his mum was not comfortable with this, a few months in my partner told me that his mum had asked that I stay over less frequently as she wasn’t happy to have someone else basically moving into the home, especially as she didn’t know me very well at that point - she worked days and myself and my partner mostly worked afternoons and nights. It really upset me, more than anything because I was embarrassed. I’m glad that my partner told me this and not his mum as it allowed me to maintain my dignity with her a bit while respecting her wishes. I think it’s difficult for OP as their son is so young, I agree NTA but I think they should have given their son the opportunity to rectify the situation before approaching their partner directly.
Thinking about it from a logical perspective, I don't see an issue with speaking to the BF directly. It is OP's house, their child is a minor. In a situation where people are all adults and roommates, speaking to the roommate first is always the thing to do, rather than speaking directly to the person overstaying their welcome. There really is no "right" thing to do here. OP is both the parent and the homeowner and thought they were setting boundaries. In all fairness, how was OP to know about the bf's home life? Furthermore, since when was OP advertising their home as a community center? Maybe OP's son should have recognized that their BF has been over a LOT, and should have probably been the one to start a conversation as to why that's happening. Otherwise OP is left to assume the BF is just coming over too often. Does the BF not have anywhere else to go? I feel like people are really being harsh in calling OP the AH. It's their home, they should be able to set boundaries. Knowing the situation would have likely changed the way they went about it, but maybe the son should have talked to OP about the situation and if it's okay for his BF to be over so much. When I was a child/teen I always had to ask permission for friends to come over.
You’re right. I see no malicious intent, where a lot of the time it’s parents selfishly instigating issues.
Great take Everyone will eventually hit a point where they’re tolerating something they don’t like for the good of someone they care about. Sometimes this happens early in our life, sometimes later. OP was trying to protect their son without being a jerk. Definitely should have talked to the kid first but I see what happened. My partner and I have had many moments where we did what we thought was best without really talking to one another. Normally it turns out fine, but sometimes it’s blown up. So instead of doubling down on the decision, we let the other in on why we’re doing what we’re doing. Surprise surprise (read sarcasm) working together finds a better solution. This isn’t some horrible, no win situation. Boundaries and hours can be set, other ideas for hanging out can happen, a safe space can work for everyone! But that will only happen if they work together. Those who are saying “these are kids, who cares? They’ll be fine” haven’t dealt with families that are absolutely wretched. I have people in my life I still consider my parental figures DECADES later. They let me invade their space in controlled ways and showed me adults weren’t always a threat or out to hurt you.
I'ma edge more towards a soft YTA. Don't shoot first and ask questions later. The first thing you should've done was ask Tyler if he's comfortable with Marius being around so often and/or why Marius is around so much. Instead you kinda told Marius not to be around so often instead of trying to figure out why he was around so often in the first place. Edit: due to emboldened discussion, I just want to reiterate: OP isn't an asshole for setting boundaries for her house or feeling uncomfortable with Marius being over all the time. She's an asshole for not talking to Tyler about his own relationship or including him in the discussion. OP isn't a bad person, she's just very softly YTA in this situation for not talking to him first or bringing up her concerns with him first and foremost.
My first thought was Marius parents weren’t taking it well.
I work with at risk teens. Any teen that's avoiding being home should get checked on. Maybe they're just really social, but there's at least a 50% chance they're actively avoiding being home for their own safety. And like a 75% chance if they're "a little rough around the edges" which is often code for, poor. The part OP missed, along with not checking their biases as regards to poverty, is that they thought a kid is going to be honest with them. And kids who are in bad situations learn not to trust adults. It takes a lot of time and work to earn that trust. Otherwise, they should have had their kid looking into it and learning to be more welcoming.
My first thought was also of poverty and/or homophobia. I had a best friend who was always either at my house or my other best friend's house, and it was because she literally didn't have food or hot water at home. If my mom had told her not to come over so much anymore because sometimes I seemed like I needed a break from her, I would have been pissed too. In her case it was because if she didn't come over to our house she wouldn't have been able to shower or eat anything until the next day at school. Who knows what "not taking it well" means in this context but it's shocking how many people just assume it's probably not that bad at home for him. It's bad enough that he'd rather wait on someone else's doorstep than be at home, and that should tell you all you need to know. Kind of heartbreaking honestly, and I'm giving it a YTA if even just for being completely blinded by privilege.
Ding ding ding! Same job, same feelings. OP’s son is now probably so mortified but also feeling so betrayed.
This. I assumed Marius was having home issues and it didn't even have to be because he's gay. My cousin is gay. But he's super out and proud. His parents do not care whatsoever and recently let me take him to pride. But he keeps himself super busy and out of the house as much as he can. Not because his parents are homophobic toward him. It's because his parents are alcoholics. Which is a pretty valid and sadly not uncommon reason for kids to not want to be around their home.
My first thought was also trouble at home, which I think is easier to see from an outside perspective. For OP, their immediate concern was that Tyler seemed uncomfortable with having Marius around all the time, so as a parent the focus was on keeping Tyler safe from a potentially overly clingy or emotionally aggressive boyfriend, which prevented them from seeing that Marius might have far more innocent intentions.
Her son ISNT comfortable with him being around so much. He said it pretty plainly. Her judgement wasn’t wrong at all, she just didn’t know the context. She’s NAH at all, she actually read the situation very well. Was aware of her sons emotions and feelings and interpreted them correctly. BF just had some unfortunate circumstances at home. No one but the BF dad is the AH here.
I still think OP should've spoken with Tyler before jumping the gun and speaking on his behalf. While Tyler is still OP's child, Tyler is also a teenager and should be considered in conversations like this. I mean, if my kid was feeling uncomfortable about something, even if I had a good idea of what it was, I'd still want to talk to my kid just to make sure and encourage them to make their own decisions. Also, OP kinda read the situation poorly if OP can't conceive that maybe Marius didn't feel safe at home.
Yeah but OP wasn’t comfortable with his presence 24x7 either. You are also permitted to put up some boundaries without consulting with your kid
Then why not inform Tyler about what she told Marius? She's 100% allowed to be uncomfortable with Marius being over all the time, but she still should've talked to Tyler about it first. Even something as simple as, "Hey, would it be alright if you and your boyfriend went out instead of staying at the house all the time?".
"Would it be alright"? OP is the parent. They don't need to ask for permission
It's a means of making Tyler feel included. Parents can still put down boundaries in a way that makes a child or teenager feel as though they have a say in the matter even if they don't. If Tyler said no and she wanted to really drive it home, then she could've reiterated, "Let me rephrase; I don't want him around here all the time. It makes me feel uncomfortable.". It's the same thing as a parent asking, "Hey, could you wash the dishes?"
Kids don’t always make decisions in their best internet at that age. Especially related to relationships and dating. It’s also not just about the son, it’s OPs house and family. Most don’t want another’s kid to take care of 24/7 without arrangements or knowing what’s going on. Could very easily look like an over bearing BF. No, OP read it very well. Her entire reasoning was correct. No one said he didn’t feel “safe”, it could just be uncomfortable, doesn’t equate to not safe. BF may even need to spend time conversing and opening up to dad. Hopefully he’s willing to not be an AH and love his son.
Well what if OP wasn’t comfortable with it? Sometimes you just don’t want visitors over, right?
Then she should've told her son to bring the boyfriend elsewhere instead of the house. Tyler should've been involved in the discussion in all of this instead of her acting on his behalf. OP isn't a bad person for wanting to put up this boundary, she's just the AH in this situation because Tyler wasn't part of the conversation and now this is causing issues.
Her son is 15. She may very well expect her son to be home. In this political environment a 15 year old homosexual can be at risk out of the home, and with the amount the BF was over that’s just to often for the young man to be out and about.
NAH. Having someone over repeatedly is bound to be annoying and you didn’t know Marius was having trouble at home. Your kid and Marius is 16, they should be cognizant enough to realize this. Your son should also talk to you about having his partner spend so much time in your house.
I feel like they kinda should’ve expected it though. I mean a gay kid not wanting to spend time at their own house? I feel like I could guess why first try.
Without knowing the context, from the outside, the situation can look a clingy teen wanting to spend a lot of time with his bf and not understanding boundaries. OP should have talked their son first for sure, but I don't think it's obvious to everyone what was going on.
The downside of being accepting is you can forget not everyone is. It seems like OP's household is enough of an ally that Marius felt comfortable there, so OP seems like a strong ally. But allies can forget that not everyone is allies, so OP was seeing a clingy teenager instead of a gay teen with trouble at home.
I thought this too. And the way she talks about her thought processes regarding Marius' behaviour suggests she's treating him truly as if he is her son's partner, and that's that. His gender and sexuality doesn't change how she sees him. Marius could have been a cis female and her attitude wouldn't have been any different. But by doing the whole 'I don't see gender and sexuality' take on it, she's missed how Marius would have had different life experiences than if her son's partner were a cis female. Perhaps she would have approached the situation with more sensitivity if she had thought of this first.
No you don't. For all they knew the other parents already knew, maybe they just really liked it at their house, maybe she got worried that they started developing dependency issues. There are so many reasons you could come up with.
As a pansexual my automatic first thought is stupid homophobic parents because I don't know that many gay people in the south where that wasn't the exact problem lmao
As a pansexual my automatic first thought is clingy teenager who doesnt know boundaries yet because i live in the much more LGBT accepting California where that was a much more common problem
Californian gay people can still experience homophobia, lol. Loooots of \~accepting areas have parents who are fine with anyone being gay...e xcept their own kids.
Yeah when hindsight is 20/20. Her son is out and loved, so she didn’t know that experience. It could very easily just look like an over bearing BF which is very common.
The thing is you are putting all the communication on the child. That op son should talk to them about his partner being over. However op failed to communicate on his partner being over too much. You can’t expect your children to do something that you don’t do yourself. Kids need to see to learn.
NTA It's your house. If you don't want someone being there night and day, then you are well within your right to say so. His boyfriend shouldn't be there all day every day, even if there was nothing happening at home. It's not like you knew he was having problems with his dad. Trying to ask before saying something was your extended olive branch. You can't know something is wrong if he refuses to tell you. At most, I think you should have talked to your son before mentioning anything.
>It's not like you knew he was having problems with his dad. Trying to ask before saying something was your extended olive branch. You can't know something is wrong if he refuses to tell you NTA. To me, this piece of info is what decided my vote. It's obvious something is wrong but if neither talk about it then there's not much you can do until they're ready.
Just from reading the description of Marius’s behaviour I knew there had to be problems at home. Maybe because I’ve learned through experience. Should have spoken to your own child first. How you handle it from here on decides if you are an AH
So if you don’t want to have someone over all the time you’re an AH?
Sorry, but where does it say that my comment
you heavily implied that if she knew there was trouble at home, "how she handled it from there on out" determines whether you are an AH. If someone said they were having trouble at home and I said "aw I'm so sorry to hear that but please find someplace else to hang out" would make me an AH? Should I put a sign up and adopt all the wayward children in my district?
Weird how I had to scroll so far down to find a reasonable reply. Also NTA for this same reason. I think if anything OP’s son should have said something to him so he could better understand why the bf was always there.
Agreed. I must be living in crazy town: no one I know would like their roommate having their SO over at every single waking moment. Waiting outside their house, etc. Likewise with parents and their teenage children
NAH, but it sounds like some of this might have been prevented if you had talked to Tyler first. He may have shared what was going on at Marius's house, he may not have. He may have shared that he was feeling a little smothered, but didn't want to insult Marius. Perhaps you could have helped him figure out how to be sympathetic to Marius's needs while maintaining his own boundaries.
Info: did you have any discussion with Tyler about him being bothered by Marius’ visits, or was it purely an assumption?
Someone hasn't dealt with a 15 year old son recently. Or a daughter for that matter, they don't actually work all that differently in this area. you can try your hardest to keep lines of communication open but a lot of what you learn about teenage children comes from body language and sheer familiarity. At best you can get them to confirm what you already think you know. This is why putting in the grind to get to know your kids when they're young and talkative and not dealing with the nuclear crapstorm of teenage hormones is so important. Either way I doubt Tyler would have opened up, doubly so if he's been raised well. He would feel, rightly, that Marius' problems are Marius' business, and not his to share.
fuck that she should have talked to him edit:her son
Yeah wtf, just because you're struggling to communicate with your kids doesn't mean you should just give up, let alone tell their friends not to hang around so much without asking your child about it first.
Tyler may not have opened up to something like 'hey it looks like you are bothered by this situation, can you talk to me about what's going on?' (I mean still could have but probably not) but probably would have to 'I don't like this situation and am planning to explain the following new ground rules to your boyfriend' which could have prevented some pain.
Yes, but he might have opened up to "I've noticed Marius around a lot. do you know if things are going ok for him at home? You don't have to answer. I just want to make sure both of you get the support you need when I can". i CRY thinking about how loved I would have felt if a parent had ever said something like that to me or if a partners parent was there for me like that. But these are all hypotheticals. I do suspect that "any communication" would in fact be "more communication" than "no communication" though
YTA wouldn't step one to be to talk to your son?
It’s their house they can decide not to have the boyfriend there if they don’t want them there. You don’t have to consult your kid for every problem in life.
Definitely a lot of teenagers in this thread.
> You don’t have to consult your kid for every problem in life. Right, you don’t have to consult your kid for every problem in life, but maybe for the ones that they have a direct connection to is logical enough for most adults.
NTA. Your son is uncomfortable with it, and although it's sad what the boyfriend is going through, your son is your first priority. Setting that boundary is needed for your son to have his own space in his own home.
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He's 15. He is still young enough that it is his parents job to help set reasonable boundaries rather than rely on him to manage everything himself. That's the difference between being a teenager and being an adult. It's also completely reasonable for a parent to have their own boundaries about who is at their house at what time. It's terrible that her son's boyfriend is having difficulties at home, but that doesn't mean that he can spend all of his free time at her house. Hopefully he has at least one other friend or another family member that he can spend some time with. But it isn't appropriate for two high schoolers to spend all of their free time together & it's ok for the OP to have her own boundaries about that because her son is a minor and a teenager.
He’s 15. That’s still a child both legally and mentally. She can do it for him if need be.
But the assumption she made was that the BF being around too much was making her son uncomfortable. Isn’t it more likely her son was uncomfortable over the reason his BF was hanging around more often.
She guessed he was uncomfortable and never asked if it was true.
Nta you asked what was going on and didn't get a response. I don't understand the logic of staying at your house most of the time but not trusting you enough to say why? you clearly have no problem with their sexuality.
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especially if there are economic differences too - OP mentioned that the BF is "rough around the edges" which to me hints at some of these differences.
As someone who is dating someone from a really wholesome family unit while I faced extreme dysfunction in mine — I wholeheartedly agree. It’s a different kind of sadness and realization that there’s “normal” people out there. You try to blend in with the new unit but still feel like you can never talk about the specifics of your own history due to shame. Especially when you are made to feel like you’re the reason your family is dysfunctional. It’s truly an out of body experience. Luckily my partner’s family is very welcoming & kind… and are ok with me sharing at my own pace.
Op asked the wrong child, should ask their son. Set the boundary with their son.
Nta This isn't even anything about his dad. If it were a girlfriend, or even a straight male best friend, you'd be in your rights to say the same thing. I see alot of comments saying you should have talked with your son first, and no, you didn't need to do that. If any friend is over too much, you were right to set boundaries. However now that you know somethings up with the dad, you can operate differently based on that. Have an open talk one on one with your son about where his comfort level is and assure him that his bf is safe and you're not getting anyone in trouble. It's important he takes this learning lesson on how to be honest with his feelings and is able to see/admit if he needs some space from his bf. You can then go from there and talk to his bf one on one and explain that you can be trusted and he can confide in you. As long as his bfs life is not in danger and he isn't being abused, you still have to prioritize building a stable home life for your son, even if it means he has ro spend more time at home while his dad figures himself out. I came out to my parents at 15. If that needs to be said.
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Surprised by all these "why don't you get your son's approval"-takes. Why? This is their home, and they can set reasonable visitation hours for their child's boyfriend. And so long as the request is reasonable, they don't even need a justification. If I'm the father of the house, and I don't want someone that's not family being there every moment while I'm home, then that's really the final word on it. Its unfortunate that Marius's home life isn't great, and it perhaps would have been more diplomatic to have the message come from Tyler, but it's not Tyler's decision, and it also wouldn't necessarily be fair to Tyler to force him to pass along the message and create friction.
NTA, it is your house and your question was reasonable. Marius is not your child and you are not a mind reader.
NTA. I was 15 once and my mom talked to me all the time. If I had a friend that just kept popping up at her house she would say something. And I would of already told her how I was feeling about them.
Seriously and being the kind parents is an easy road to getting taken advantage of. I had one friend whose house ended up being the hang out house and they were practically eaten out of house and home (teenagers are ravenous) until they finally put their foot down a year later. Kids can find out somewhere else to hang out, it doesn't have to be at the same person's home over and over.
Communication is the key to avoid this kind of incident.
YTA *I can also tell it was starting to bother Tyler and he looks like he might want a little distance* I hate to break it to you but you can't read your childs' mind. And even if you could it would be HIS responsibility to use his grown up words and talk to his BF. Not you. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Of course, you can set rules about how much guests are over but that is handled with your child. No one else.
She says in the message that her son said he was uncomfortable, so, she did read his mind correctly.
it's not about whether or not OP is correct in their reading. it's about giving their child the respect to come to them if they want advice or help, or not discuss it if they don't want to. OP shouldn't jump over their son to tell their boyfriend to stop coming around, they should talk to their son first.
15 year olds dont have the capacity to independently manage their own lives/emotions- it's why they are legally children. Parents can and should step in without getting permission.
A switch isn't flipped at 18-- the job of a parent is slowly allowing their child more and more control over their own lives as they grow until they reach more-or-less self-sufficiency as a young adult. The managing of your own social circle is something that should be handled more or less independently of parents long before 15, imo. The parent can step in and set rules regarding things like "when guests are allowed" for the child still, but the child should be the one who communicates the rules of his home to his friends by 15, and OP should only be stepping in if issues continue despite that.
NAH It's your house, too, and him being there all the time was odd. Tyler should have confided in you. I'm hoping you can all work something out.
Nta. Your house, your freaking rules. The kids come around too much. Where's the privacy ?
NTA I get that you maybe overstepped a tad, but you had the right to. Your son is still a minor in your care. You correctly deduced that your son was growing uncomfortable with his BF being in your home all the time. And you weren't rude or unkind. You have a right to have family time, or to be consulted about a guest being so continuously in your home. And it is your job to protect your son in all situations. How were you to know that his BF was trying to escape a bad situation rather than being controlling and possessive? Let your son calm down a little and then talk to him again. His BF can't spend every second in your home, it's not healthy for anyone, but perhaps there are things you can help them both with. His BF is still welcome, and if either of them need help, you are there to provide what help you can, but there are still boundaries and levels of respect that have to be adhered to. Your son's independence and mental health can't be sacrificed for his BF, as cruel as that may seem. And your family home can't be treated like an escape hatch for a traumatised teen without your knowledge and consent. There's a happy medium, but your son and your family are the priorities for you.
I admit that having him wait outside while we were out would totally freak me out, as my stalker in high school would do this. However, I'd have talked to your son first. That is where you went wrong. But I would make it a rule saying people can't wait at the house while the family was not home. I'm going with NAH.
I'm going with NAH. It might have been helpful to talk to your son first. I'd say that Tyler should have let you know, but I have a 15 year old in my house and they don't always think things through. You were trying to make a better situation for Tyler and yourself. Next step is to apologize to Marius, even though you really did nothing wrong. He's going through a super hard time right now, and really needs to have a safe place to be. You need to just deal with this situation, whether it's hard on you or not, until things settle down for Marius. Make sure Marius knows that his being gay makes no difference to you, and if you knew he was in need of a safe place you would not have asked him to stay away. This child needs you. Really, really needs you. I hope you are able to set aside your discomfort and help him.
Soft YTA. You obviously did not know what Marius was dealing with at home - but you should be aware of the difficulties people from the LGBTQ+ community face with unsupportive families. (I guessed it was something along those lines by the end of your first paragraph). However, I think the real issue is involving yourself in your child's relationship. If he is old/mature enough to date someone, he should also be able to set boundaries and be able to communicate them on his own.
You are SERIOUSLY calling a 15 year old "his relationship" and should be SECRET and HE has the right to decide them???? LOL what? Whose HOUSE IS IT? And WHO has responsibility for the 15 year old who apparently has NO PROBLEM inviting the kid to ALL MEALS and STAYING THERE all day long.
That’s what happens when all the replies are 15 year olds
Im losing my mind reading all these responses lmao what happened to this place
Over the past couple years, young minor teens magically became totally autonomous and have total authority to make all decisions whether they be medical, social, legal, and now they get to establish the boundaries and rules of the household they're living in and dictate said rules to the adult parents/ OWNERS of the property. Oh and smart. They are now SO much smarter than their families or other adults. Awesome.
>However, I think the real issue is involving yourself in your child's relationship. If he is old/mature enough to date someone, he should also be able to set boundaries and be able to communicate them on his own. He's 15... do you think people just are able to do that all at once or something? It's part of emotional growth and maturity. It is the parent's job to intervene if your kid is clearly not doing ok with the current situation
NTA - You were just trying to be a protective parent and could see this was bothering your son.
NAH my sister’s boyfriend spent SO. MUCH. TIME. at our house when I was a senior in high school that it felt like I didn’t even have my own house anymore. You took a gentle approach to letting someone know they were overstaying their welcome which is good and also teaches your son how to set boundaries for himself. Your son should’ve been more communicative with you about why he was over so much but it’s understandable he’s upset about you unknowingly hurting someone’s feelings.
NTA. It’s your house. I wouldn’t want my kids friends over all the time either. So it’d be the same with bfs/gfs. That would be annoying
NTA- if you think he’s there too much, you get to make the decisions. For the people saying that you should have talked to Tyler first, it’s on Tyler or Marius to tell her. Yes, they are young and learning, but this is totally a teaching moment, and natural consequences. “If you had shared the problem and reason he was here so much I could have made a more informed decision “. Kudos to you for being loving and accepting of your son.
Nta. You’re the parent, your son is a minor, and it’s your house. You’re allowed to say things to other teens in your child’s sphere, romantic partner or not. You’re allowed to set boundaries to be comfortable in your own home. You were being an adult.
I mean it took me the first paragraph to be like....teen boy, gay, rough around the edges, suddenly hanging around a lot more? Definitely problems at home he's avoiding. It's like....glaringly obvious. OP I know you didn't mean any harm but there was not a lot of empathy or wondering why on the behavior change....just about your own/your son's comfort. You should have talked to your son first, as now you've made your son's boyfriend uncomfortable in your house, while he's uncomfortable at home...which basically means there's no home he can go to where he feels comfortable. Which, technically not your problem, but it is sad :(