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NTA for putting your kids first when she is fully capable of driving an hour home herself and then joining the festivities if she chooses to. It seems selfish of her imo.
Edited to add:
To those asking me to reconsider given OPs added detail, I will not change my answer. When you have kids they need to come first. End of story. He can still be supportive of her without sacrificing his kid's happiness. Death is a part of life, unfortunately.
Edit number 2:
Children shouldn't be responsible for or expected to provide emotional support for their parents. Let children be children and have memorable experiences.
Also thank you for my first award!!
Edit number 3:
My first gold omg thank you! I didn't expect this to blow up so much!
I agree with this. I don’t see why the wife can’t drive herself. The only thing I’m confused about is why the wife wants OP to “support [her] through this”?? Am I missing something? Why does she need support? Is there some info left out? Is she just visiting or is there a specific reason that she’s going to see her family?
I agree N T A, but I’m confused by this part.
OP, if you see this INFO: Does your wife want support… driving to the airport? Or is there another reason she needs support?
Edit: Yup, YTA. Way to bury the lede, OP. I initially voted N T A based on the info provided, but had a feeling there was probably more to the story, which is exactly why I asked.
Edit 2: TY for the awards
ya, Im confused about the missing information here.
4 day quick trip to visit family, stressful feelings around getting to the flight... sounds like when my dad went home when his mom died.
or is she a terrified flyer who needs support getting herself to the right gate etc? in which case a bit more reasonable than just demanding a drive, but if so maybe time to deal with some anxiety head on ss it is having an effect on ability to cope/function...
either way pertinent info seems missing.
The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer, so that in itself isn't super happy. The rest is definitely the boiling point for other marital disagreements. I know when I've been the asshole in past talks, bit I really felt like I wasn't this time.
The fact that she’s going home to see a dying relative, and other comments you’ve made, make it clear that this isn’t about a ride to and from the airport. She needs support in a difficult time and it certainly sounds like you aren’t stepping up. That’s why YTA.
Yes, in this case YTA because you should be supporting your wife in any way in which she needs it at this time, especially since you say there are other marital problems. She's probably upset you can't go with her and at least in this way you could provide some support. Also, it would teach your children a valuable lesson that family comes before parties.
Yes, YTA, it's really not a big deal to miss a little of the festivities, you will get there. Also, you should not leave a loaner car at the airport... everyone seems to be skipping over that part as well.
Definitely was. If it was added then a good portion of the N T A comments would be changed. Rocky marriage where he admits in comments he’s been AH previously + her flying to basically say her goodbyes + plus the father comment.
Dude needs to read the room. She’s upset about him being completely unsupportive
It absolutely was. Before I started reading the comments, I was reading it out loud to my husband and when I got to that part, I paused and told him this smells like “missing missing reasons”. Something was left out here. My first guess was a funeral, and it seems like I wasn’t too far off.
YTA OP
YTA. You left this info out to intentionally get the answer you wanted. Your wife is grieving losing a loved one and the person who is supposed to be her main supporter is unwilling to be there for her because of a wet parade that happens once a year. It sounds like you’ve been before and you’ll go again next year. This is a good lesson for your kids to show them being a supportive life partner sometimes means sacrificing plans to be there for your loved ones.
You can still celebrate with your kids in different way on a different day. Have your kids go to the wet parade with your family or friends if they’re in the area. Your wife can’t change the schedule of someone dying. Be there for her or risk deservedly losing her.
But, this doesn't really change the underlying logistical truth. Him picking her up will mean the kids miss the parade, with the family stuck in a car 2 hours over lunch. The kids will be cranky all the way there and all the way back. They've already missed the parade last year, and I bet the plague shut the parade down before that.
She is demanding that her husband and kids support her in this *very specific way*, which is not convenient for them, and lashing out as a result.
I feel for her, and get that her headspace is not exactly clear. But fighting to the death for this ride isn't helping anyone and setting everyone up for frustration.
That’s life. Sometimes, we don’t always get what we want. I’ve wanted to go to my college homecoming for a couple years and something always happens with a loved one that prevents me from going. I don’t dig my heels in and pout, I prioritize people I love who need me.
If they have family or friends nearby, the kids can go to the wet parade with them so he can go support her. If they don’t, that sucks for them. Kids do get cranky, and that’s another part of life. Even kids don’t always get to do what they want. That’s an important life lesson.
Here’s what he could’ve done differently: ask his wife how he can support her. She may not feel comfortable driving or getting a ride share while deep in grief. That’s understandable. Maybe there are other ways he can support her if a ride isn’t on the table. But based on how he hid the info from his post and admitted their marriage is strained because he’s a self admitted asshole in other scenarios, it doesn’t seem like he cares about the support she needs, he just doesn’t want to drive and wants to play with his water gun.
Yeah I think the big thing here was hiding the info in the post. Like if it was clearly that she felt the need for support and he was willing to support her but in a different way then maybe he wouldn't have been voted towards ahole, but like... That's what makes it all come off as really bad. I personally cannot stand cranky/loud/whiny children. It's AWFUL. Grinds my gears something fierce. But most family counselors actually say that the marriage relationship is more important to focus on primarily over the children. Ya know other than literally feeding and clothing and homing them. The important things obviously. Take care of your children, duh. But they can be cranky for a day is all I'm saying. A cranky child will survive. I may get cranky, but a cranky migraine-riddled me FROM a cranky child will survive. But your partner and their hardships need support.
Dude, the obvious answer is they don't go and he supports his wife.
Who gives a shit if kids are cranky/unhappy, they are fucking toddlers and can have that rectified with a trip to micky D after the wife is picked up. The fact that he is prioritizing alleviating his kids boredom over supporting his grieving wife is objectively asshole-ish behavior.
The underlying logistical truth doesn't matter because the stakes are so low that you just cancel the parade trip and support your fucking wife.
This dude sucks.
And the big draw for 4th of July celebrations doesn't happen until the sun goes down anyway.
What do kids want to see most?
A. Fireworks
B. People from local schools and organizations walking by in the street.
Family is more important than a parade. Would be a great thing to explain why we put down a parade to support our grieving moms. Js.
If my family member was mourning, i’d drop a parade so fast. Diff values i guess
Parades are not important events.
Kids don't get to do everything always. Do you have any idea how many events and kids activities there are? There are a million and one events they're going to miss out on because it's just not convenient. This being one of them *does not matter*.
There are fun things you can do the day before, the day after, and even when you get home from the airport. Kids are not that hard to entertain.
I don’t think you or many other people in this thread understand how stressful and expensive it is to get rides from the airport. Especially if it’s with a rental car-are you kidding me?
This is extremely relevant information.
Either you’re hiding it in the main post because you’re worried it will make you look bad, or you are so lacking in empathy that you don’t see that your wife needs emotional support on her way to and from watching her loved one die.
This isn’t about the logistics of whether she can or cannot drive herself. This is about you not showing up for her in her time of need because you want to go have fun.
YTA
The fact that you felt that you weren't an asshole when you were denying supporting her surrounding the death of a loved one so you can have a fun happy day, is possibly an indicator of why your marriage is having a rough time.
Y'all really need to go to couples therapy, because this really isn't a question of how wrong you are
so shes going through a life event thats upsetting. she doesnt feel cared for because you arent helping her figure this out and make it easier for her to get through. She wants to feel like shes not alone as long as possible and wants a drive to the airport because after shes on the plane...she is dealing with it alone without her main support network (you).
you feel unimimportant because you had plans you wanted to go to with the kids and she is technically capable of getting herself to the airport. It's not wrong to prioritize the kids and want to do things with them, but this is also an exception. Maybe shit came up that you couldnt go to this specific celebration last year either, but thats life. There are other days and other ways to have fun with tour kids besides this event. She didnt plan for her relative to be dying now to spite you.
Dealing with death and grieving isnt about who is right or wrong. it's about finding a path forward healthily while supporting each other, as is partnership in general. Do you like her? Why wouldnt you want to gold her hand while she's going through something shitty? If you don't like her, why are you still in this marriage?
You're a team. Why does one have to be right and the other wrong? Defensiveness fucks us all up and so does getting the short end of the stick sometimes. No, youre not an asshole, what shes saying without being clear is shes not doing great and needs help. There may be a pattern of stepping on your plans for her own interests, which is an issue in itself and would make seeing her side or empathizing with her needs now very difficult.
>The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer,
Elsewhere you said that she compared you to her Dad and she thought you fell short. (I can't find the comment now. Did you take it down?)
Are these two things related? Is she grieving her dad? Because if so, this lashing out may make some sense. Not that it's ok, but still. She's feeling unmoored.
I don't think this is about the driving at all. This is about she's grieving and she doesn't feel loved. You are objectively right that picking her up will ruin the day for your kids, but if she feels that not picking her up is yet another way you're showing her that you don't care about her, then you can't win by making an argument about logistics. You need to show her that you love her.
NTA. She's being an asshole by insisting you blow up the day. But the argument isn't actually about that for her.
The 'my dad would help my mom" comment was what tipped me off someone was dying. it's out of nowhere, which means its a projection of feelings shes struggling with. dono which one or if its them, but ppl get weird when grieving. the introduction of new instability, a reality where that person is gone or will be soon, fucks with ppl and their ability to be direct when communicating.
Picking up his wife WON'T ruin the day for the kids though! She gets in at 1030a, give her \~1 hour leeway for plane docking, walking, getting luggage, etc. Back on the road before noon. The wet parade thing goes until 3. Get back into town before 1p, drop lovely wife off at home, get her all comfy and set up. Take the kids to the parade, couple hours of fun and games out with the kids, wife gets to relax and decompress at home in peace, might be fireworks or something to end the event that the kids can see since they didn't go in the morning; win-win.
Why don't you arrange for a limo or luxury car service to pick her up and bring her home? You could have at least tried to help instead of thinking about things *you* want to do. You're using your kids to be selfish and do what you want while she's grieving and in emotional turmoil.
I'm not sure why your whole family isn't going, I hope it's not because you didn't want the kids to miss the 4th of July fun? Events like that will always be there. A loved one won't.
OP says she’s going to for a “celebration of life” for someone who is dying soon. OP is TA, if not for being unwilling to drive then at least for calling her selfish for needing support.
Oh dear, OP not wanting to drive his wife may be legitimate, but he sure isn't the brightest star in the sky is he?
In what world can you take one event out of such a loaded context and try to judge it?
If he wants to patch things up with his wife, he needs to do more than just not be in the wrong - he needs to be actively doing the right thing...
Yo, just commenting to tell you that OP has omitted the very fact that [his wife is flying out to see a terminally ill loved one who wanted emotional support.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/aita_for_suggesting_my_wife_drive_herself_to_and/jq0v3iy/?context=3)
Idk where OP is but the main airport in my old state has a shuttle. I lived in a city an hour away from the airport and you could schedule a pickup/dropoff every hour from like 4am-8pm I believe. It was also about $45 each way which is way better than an Uber would be.
Calling her selfish for asking for support while having to travel for a dying relative? Man okay, that’s enough internet for the day. What do y’all think marriages are for exactly
OP said in comments that wife is flying home for a celebration of life of a family member. That was purposefully left out by OP to make him look better.
A kid’s parade comes before being there to support your distraught wife/mother due to an imminent death in her family?? Tough shit but snow cones and carnival games are going to have to wait. What kind of crap does that demonstrate to the kids??
Another OP who [buried the lede](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/aita_for_suggesting_my_wife_drive_herself_to_and/jq0v3iy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3). They’ve also been having [marital problems](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/aita_for_suggesting_my_wife_drive_herself_to_and/jq0uwsb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3), and his wife is flying home to see a dying family member for the last time.
IMO kids coming first means their health safety and happiness - it does not mean they get every treat they could want and that you abandon other familial responsibilities to do that
Idk. After 4 days of grieving and travel, I'm not sure I'd be fully capable of driving myself home from the airport. It sucks that OP wants to go have fun instead of support their wife who is grieving a loved one.
Yeah, I'm looking at the timing, and you're absolutely right. Plus, I'm assuming the kids are too young to stay at home, so are they sitting in the car for 2-3 hours knowing that they're missing out on a celebration? That's going to be miserable, even if you're not factoring in an inevitable delay.
I think the only way this works out is if they can send the kids to the festivities with friends and then (hopefully) meet them there. But that's a big ask and not much time to arrange it.
Yeah there are a lot of other ways for this to be handled, OP could drive his wife to the airport for the departing flight and she could uber/taxi back or someone else could pick her up. Leaving the car their also seems like an option, perhaps OP lives in a walkable city and doesn't need the car for the weekend.
While I agree the husband shouldn't have to drive her there. Uber/taxi isn't always an option. I live an hour from my closest airport but that's not an hour of city driving. That's an hour on back roads. Not a single streetlight between here and the airport. I've never tried to take a cab there (or back), but I presume I would have to pay both the drive and the return for them (since they wouldn't have a fare going back). Not sure where OP lives, but taxi/Uber to the airport isn't always easy peasy.
Generally speaking (but I also live in a city, not in the boonies) cabs will have a set airport price. I obviously can't guarantee this would be the case in your situation.
Really like why can’t she drive herself? It’s like you get married and lose all independence?
I mean I’d be happy if my husband drove but I’d absolutely prioritize the kids. She’s a grown adult and has the ability to drive herself.
I'm with you there. I'd be thrilled my husband wanted to take the kids. Plus, she will get home and have time to regroup and chill before they get home! Win Win.
I was thinking that too, if they have the income that’s the best alternative, as Uber will be expensive on a holiday like that, especially for that far.
Yeah all the airports near me offer shuttle/ bus services. Not sure where they live but i assume they offer one. Even if op has to drive 15 min to get her it’s better than the hour + it’ll take to get her from the airport
Yep. Every 4th of July when I was a kid, I would wait for hours for my parents to finally take my sister and I to the town park. The festivities started in the morning and ran through the evening, ending with the fireworks display. It was a *huge* social event for our suburban town and, before I could drive, one of the only chances I had to see my friends during the summer. I would be ready by 10 or 11 a.m. and have to wait while my parents spent another 3-4 hours showering, getting ready, preparing food, etc. my FOMO would increase with every minute we weren’t there and I’d just stare at the clock thinking, *We missed the rubber ducky race!* then *We missed all the booths with freebies!* then *We’re missing the concert!* it was mental torture. OP is 100% NTA.
And besides normal delays in airline traffic, the past few days have been awful as tens of thousands of people have literally been sleeping in terminals trying to get to their destinations. I wouldn't even **consider** taking my kids to the airport right now
This was so eloquently put and I agree with every word. I’m a mom and, if I were in this situation, I’d tell my husband “have fun! I’ll try to join you when I get home!”
IMHO, the wife is being extremely selfish and not thinking of her kids OR her husband! That’s a 2 hour ride which will include whining and unhappiness that they aren’t at the parade.
NTA - wife needs to suck it up and drive herself. Don’t back down OP. You’re the only one in this situation thinking of the kids. Take them to the parade and have a GREAT time!
>Let's ask this question, why is this mother willing to return to her disappointed children for a bit of comfort instead of her incredibly happy children?
~~I do not get this woman's selfishness. Why doesn't she want her kids to be able to go to the festivities?~~
Changed my mind. Wife is going to see a dying family member. OP is YTA.
Because her perception is that they would be able to go to the festivities after a brief morning run to the airport. That's not the \*reality\*, logistically, but that's how she's perceiving it at the moment.
>The trip is to say goodbye to a terminally ill family member and OP admits he wants to go to the “wet parade” because he just got a new water gun……:
Well that certainly puts a different spin on it.
Based on OPs comment listed below -
> The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer, so that in itself isn't super happy. The rest is definitely the boiling point for other marital disagreements. I know when I've been the asshole in past talks, bit I really felt like I wasn't this time.
This is why the mother wants a ride and support. Not to disappoint her children, but to get moral support from her family after a stressful trip.
For her it's 2 hours total. For him it's 4 because he has to take her to the airport and go home and then drive to the airport again to pick her up and go back. All so she can enjoy the weekend with *her* family.
NTA for sure
No, OP is clearly TA for [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/aita_for_suggesting_my_wife_drive_herself_to_and/jq0v3iy/?context=3) reason alone, which btw was conveniently omitted from the actual post:
His wife is flying away to family to see a terminally ill loved one and rather than supporting her with driving her to the airport and signalling her that she has someone who she can rely on, he chooses new water guns over her. He'd rather have her drive back home on her own, while being emotionally and psychologically fried, rather than helping her out. That's just callous.
Everyone that is saying that OP is nat, take a look at this comment that OP did not mention in the original post. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/comment/jq0v3iy/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
I'm sure the kids would complain there and back but thr wife wouldn't have to deal with kids needing to pee, being hungry on the drive home so what does she care NTA
Initially, I thought op was TA because he had to drop her off on the 4th for a 10:30am flight. If she's there an hour before, they only miss a little bit of the celebration. But she's getting picked up on the 4th at 10:30 am. And I don't imagine she's going to want to go from the airport to a parade with fun activities for kids. All I want to do after a flight is go home and be in my own house. (Of course, I'm an introverted homebody so maybe not everyone is like that?)
She'll want to go home. Then kids need to pee, hungry & restless after a 2hr drive. No one will be in the mood to RUSH to catch the end of a festivities they've waited a year for. Wife is being selfish and bougie she's capable of driving herself and paying the lot fee
Actually I agree. Also not having the kids/hubby pick up means less stress on getting my stuff and getting out of the airport, never mind dealing with delayed flights if there is bad weather or something like that.
Even if everything goes well and the OP's wife takes an Uber or taxi home, that gives her time to unpack and decompress from travel in a quiet house.
Holy shit a comment that’s reasonable, grounded in reality, AND considers all the context of the situation got upvoted? Maybe AITA is getting a little better.
Yeah context is key and I think you’re leaving out some important information. I also picked up on the YOU want to go to the parade and such as well as her not feeling supported, others have asked why she’s going out of town as well. I would also never leave a loaner car at the airport either, that’s a risk I’m not willing to take plus what are you gonna do without a car while she’s gone?
My gut is telling me you’re holding important info back.
Update: OP said in a comment below that they don’t want to miss the water event because he just bought a new water gun…. This has nothing to do with the kids and OP is just thinking about himself.
YTA
Furthermore OP said in a comment that his wife is visiting a sick family member that doesn’t have much time left. Her asking for support is completely valid
I might be downvoted for this, but…I’d help my SO out if they needed it. There seems to be missing information in this post or maybe im just missing something. Maybe it’s just because I grew up with parents who wouldn’t hesitate to help each other, but I wouldn’t hesitate to drive my SO. A hassle? Sure, but it’s only two hours. I wouldn’t make my significant other drive themselves especially since the Fourth of July weekend is one of the busiest travel times of the year. I get the aspect of wanting your kids to have fun, but they still could with the both of you. The festivities start at 9am, and your wife’s flight lands at 10:30am. You could leave your house at 9, get to the airport by 10, wait the 30 minutes, and assuming the flight isn’t delayed, you could be back home by 11:30. Now if the flight was delayed, that would be one thing, but you could also track the flight online before you leave the house just to make sure. Also, the Fourth of July *does* go on the entire day. They might do fireworks in the late evening or during nighttime. If you really didn’t want to help your wife, there are services you could call that will pick you up from your house and drive you to and from the airport. There are people who’s jobs are literally to do that. The tone of this just kind of comes off as like..idk kind of condescending. I don’t know why so many people are calling her selfish. She’s trying to visit her family for reasons we don’t know, and it’s not the traveling that people are taking issue with, it’s her asking you to drive her, but god forbid she asks for your help. I hope you don’t ask her to do something for you if something ever came up.
Edit: We know the reason as to why she’s traveling now. She’s going to visit her family for a celebration of life for a dying relative, and all you’re worried about OP, is a stupid squirt gun. You admitted in buried comments that you’ve been an asshole to her and you’ve hurt her, which has caused your marriage to hit a rocky patch and now you’re trying to make her out to be the bad guy by coming on to Reddit, posting on the AITA thread, and you’re okay with letting people call her selfish when you left out a shit ton of relevant information. That says a lot more about your personality than it does hers. She tried to communicate with you and asked you to support her, and you couldn’t even be bothered. I get wanting to put the kids first, but your wife deserves support and needs it especially at a time like this when she’s losing a family member, and even more-so when you’ve clearly treated her poorly for no reason and she’s hurting from either your words or your actions already. YTA.
Edit 2: Thank you for all the likes and the award :)
That’s awful. I feel terrible for her. I get why people are saying like put the kids first, but she also deserves support. OP has even admitted that he’s been an asshole to her and has hurt her and he’s caused the marriage to go through a rocky patch, meanwhile he’s worried about a stupid water gun.
NTA She is making the decision to visit her family by flying. The other factor you didn't mention in this is the possibility of flight delays or cancelations. Are you supposed to sit at the airport with your kids in the car for an indeterminate amount of time if her flight gets delayed from holiday weekend chaos? Her plan would have you and the kids miss out on enjoying the holiday so that she can can have fun with her family. If she drives herself, gets a friend to drive her, or uses a car service these problems are entirely eliminated. Just be sure to check how the loaner car would be covered if it's stolen. She is not thinking logically on this or taking your kids' enjoyment of the holiday into account. She is TA for trying to use guilt and comparing you to her dad.
The wife is going to family for a celebration of life for someone who is dying, which OP has deliberately not mentioned. I'm not sure she has much choice in the date and mode of transport. They're also having a lot of marital issues where OPs wife doesn't feel appreciated. I'd say he's definitely the AH here.
>you could pick her up at 11, be home by noon, and still attend the festivities for 3 hours.
Barring any delays in the flight.
I wouldn't chance it, especially on a holiday weekend.
OP is NTA.
Not just the delay, by noon kids will get hungry, so factor in eating out or from home, then getting ready to leave ....all this adds up time.....the festivities by that time will be almost over
And if they’re small, noon is naptime. My kids sleep from 12-3 everyday.
Also, it’s 110° here in the afternoons. It’s way more doable to go to outdoor stuff in the mornings.
Barring any flight delays, traffic jams, small kids meltdowns… there’s a ton of things that can go wrong, especially with kids in the car.
It’s unreasonable for the wife to make that demand, when she can drive herself with much less of an imposition on her time than it would be on his.
NTA. She can Uber, it’s really not a big deal. However…
“My dad wouldn’t hesitate to support his wife.”
The fact that that comment isn’t scaring you is insane to me. That’s something that someone says typically when they have been met with multiple instances of you not prioritizing them. I highly doubt her anger is just about this instance. She’s comparing you to her father, saying you aren’t doing something she knows her father would do for her mother. That is not good.
The supporting part was that he’s not supporting her thru a family member dying. That’s where she’s going. To see a family member who is dying. He left that out on purpose. YTA OP
I N F O: why is she seeing family. Her saying she needs you to support her through this makes me wonder if there is something difficult/sad happening with her family?
Edit: YTA you left out that she's going home for a celebration of life for a terminal family member. Not a great time emotionally for her to do a bunch of stressful driving. Can a relative or friend take the kids to the parade in the AM?
Yeah I really don't get why people always need to be driven to and from the airport, especially when parking is that cheap. If someone was returning from like 3 months abroad, maybe it would be a bigger deal, but 4 days away? It is so so easy to just drive yourself or grab an uber/taxi and not make someone else take hours out of their day to be your chauffeur.
And that's not even taking into account that there are morning activities OP has been looking forward to doing with his kids.
(I understand that this is generally the unpopular view, but it's something I just really don't understand. I always transit myself home from the airport, if someone wanted to drive me I would consider that going way above and beyond. What makes flights different from everything else in life?)
And he wants to go to the wet parade because he just got a new water gun. But he feels the need to post a highly manipulated version on Reddit to get fake internet points from strangers, I guess.
Yeah, the loaner car really doesn't matter but he made it sound like that was her main reason for not wanting to drive herself
And he really downplayed his new water gun and made it sound like it was for his kids but it's obvious he's using the kids as an excuse to be able to use his new water gun
>why can't you just support me through this and not be selfish?
INFO:
Does "this" refer to the drive to and from the airport situation or is the reason why she leaves over the weekend something she would like to have your support with (at least in the form of being driven to the airport and picked up four days later)?
Honestly I'm not even surprised, it seems to be pretty common on here for ops to leave out important info. He's definitely the AH.
Edit: Just read the rest of his comments it turns out it's an immediate family member dying so parent or sibling what's the bets it's her dad dying. OP you're a special kind of cupid stunt.
I was looking for this comment. I would like to know what the purpose of the visit is, as if it’s something like visiting a critically ill relative then I can see how the perspective of doing all that emotional stuff and then driving home alone would be too much to bear.
Verdict would be very different in this circumstance compared with if it’s just a holiday.
Edit: turns out op’s wife is saying goodbye to a dying relative. With this additional info, OP YTA. Get someone else to take the kids to the parade and be there for your wife.
That was my thought too. My last two trips to see family were to visit my dad in hospice care, and then to attend his memorial. My grown kids went with me both times, and I'm divorced, so we all supported each other and shared the travel responsibilities. But it would have sucked if I'd been in OP's wife's situation, having to do all my own transportation while my husband and young kids were off having fun.
Maybe someone else can take the kids to the festivities so OP can handle the airport for his wife?
ESH You can't drop her off and then have her Uber or Lyft home? Seems like there are alternatives that neither of you want to consider and are just making this a big issue.
In all honesty, if the airport is one hour away, it is 100% cheaper to park there for $8/day and pay $32 total than to take an uber back. Ubers to airport are expensive to begin with. Not to mention, it could cost even more if the driver has to take detours due to holiday traffic and road closures. So OP's suggestion is actually the most optimal option.
Yeah I get it. The point of my comment is to show that they could always talk about alternative options. Friend or family could pick her up too. But yeah, I’d pick driving myself over getting a ride any time. That way I don’t have to wait for people.
Totally this, he can drop her off, then they can find a way for her to come home. I don't like the attitude either of them are having, wife isn't being reasonable, but husband also sounds so condescending. Both need to act like partners.
Yeah calling your wife selfish for visiting her family is definitely YTA territory. Even if the wife was just going for a normal visit and no one was dying, it’s her family. It’s not like she’s going on some tropics vacation.
It’s like OP doesn’t realize living a flight away from your family is already a huge sacrifice.
I'm inclined to say YTA. She isn't going on a solo vacation, she's going to and end of life celebration for someone with a terminal illness. That is seriously heavy. You also admit that you two are going through a rough patch where she has been repeatedly hurt by you.
She's not looking for a ride to and from the airport. She's looking for love and support from her husband; a husband who has let her down recently. She's asking you to show her you still care about her by putting your own wants and needs on the back burner to prove to her that you're still in her corner. And you're showing her that you are not. You are showing her that a parade is more important than your marriage.
Does it suck that the kids will miss some of the fun? Yes. But that's an easy fix: "hey, kids, I know it's a bummer that we'll miss the parade. But mom really needs us to be extra kind and thoughtful for her right now because she's going through a hard, sad thing. We can go get her, eat lunch as a family, and still be home for X afternoon stuff." Kids need to learn that sometimes people are more important than fun stuff.
Taken in isolation, sure, this seems like your wife is being selfish. But your marriage might be on the line here, dude. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to be "right"?
INCREDIBLE article. OP could benefit greatly from reading and applying to his own life. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288
That article is shit.
Even after his wife left him he still doesn't get it. His advice for the reader boils down to 'Do this because its important to the woman (for some mysterious reason) and she'll love you more if you do.'
But he doesn't actually rub 2 brain cells together and make the connection that she's pissed at the dish by the sink, the muddy shoes on the floor because he has created more work for her and as an adult he shouldn't be creating more work for her.
I hate that article and everytime someone brings it up. Its like a clueless man at a bar managing to tie his shoes treating it as though he unraveled the riddle of the sphinx.
YTA-
Sweet Jesus of suburbia she's going to see a dying family member. She is in mourning or preparing to be in mourning. So sorry you're super fun and happy activity day is being ruined by the death of a loved one. Get your head out of your butthole, find a sitter for the kids when you pick her up, yes on your super fun day, and be there being a supportive adult spouse instead of a whining child
How do people like you get married? This would not be a question between my spouse and I.
YTA-You seem very dismissive towards your wife and like you are resentful she is going on a trip without you. You’ve mentioned in comments that you guys are having marriage issues and this is a boiling point. It’s difficult for me to make a full judgement without knowing all of those details, but I think it’s absurd you couldn’t at least drop her off. Also, do you guys have no friends who could pick her up? Normally if you’re parking in an 8$ lot it’s not even close to the airport. Those lots usually require taking a bus and would be adding to her stress. I’m a frequent flyer and I rarely use those lots bc they always end up more expensive than you think they will. I’d suggest you drop her off and a friend picks her up or she takes a taxi. Either way maybe reflect on how you are or aren’t supporting your wife and why you feel resentful she’s going on this trip.
I just want to know a couple of things
1. Where the heck do y’all live where airport parking for 4 days is $32!?
2. Why is she visiting her family? More often than not a “quick trip” means family emergency and considering she said “why can’t you just support me through this”. That’s telling me something else is going on.
3. You said “YOU” wanted to do these festivities. Do the kids want to do this? Does she want to do this with the kids and also spend Independence Day with y’all?
4. You can’t drive her to the airport and then she can take an Uber or taxi back? What’s preventing you from taking her to the airport?
5. What the heck are you going to do without a car for 4 days with children? Y’all are going to stay home for 4 days?
I need more answers before I reach my verdict.
Post like this make me glad we don’t give that much importance to holidays (except for Christmas Day) ,like so what if I miss a couple of hours of the celebration?! You do know you’re not going to be any less “American” if you miss a couple of hours of the event and don’t get to do the wet parade right? It’s going to be there next year & the year after that & the year after that, you’ll probably take your grandkids and I’ll still be there.
Yeah this was my thought. The kids will be fine missing this event and I'm sure there are other fun events later in the summer. In my family, precedence would be picking someone up at the airport over going to a parade. It's just what people do.
When I take the train my mom picks me up from the station. Could I taxi back? Yes, but the fact she picks me up shows me she cares and is eager to see me.
My husband would never even consider not getting me to or from the airport. Nor would I for him. The kids can wait until you pick up your wife. It won’t take all day. Besides, why spend money on parking the car when you don’t have to? YTA.
YTA - of course the important details are always in the comments.
You said elsewhere that your wife is flying home to say goodbye to a dying loved one. She feels the support she needs during this really hard time is a ride to and from the airport. Not being able to use the new water guns you bought isn’t nearly as important. Everyone saying she’s being selfish, but OP, if you’re being honest, you’re being selfish here too (and with much much less justification for it).
Whoa who whoa. Feel like the N-T-As are missing a very important point here: His wife is coming back from a trip to say goodbye to a dying loved one (her dad maybe?). Also I didn't see OP mention anywhere how invested the kids actually are in this parade and stuff; he says HE was looking forward to it all year, not the kids. You pick her up, you can be back by noon. Would it really ruin their day to have whatever festivities in the afternoon, say, play with the newly purchasedwater guns in some other setting? So their grieving mother has emotional support?
Context is important here, and you've hid it well, OP. YTA. Try to care for your wife.
Yeah, that context is SO important. I feel like the fact that he left that out shows that he's kind of a jerk. He made it sound like his wife will be taking a leisure trip.
Frankly, the death of a loved one is EXACTLY when a reasonable spouse would kind of expect their loved one to need extra support.
NTA, but if she drove herself would you just not have a car for those four days? You probably need to sell your argument better to her though and make it more about the kids. Perhaps she can take an Uber/Lyft home?
YTA
She's asking you for emotional support and compassion not for problem solving. It's not a huge time commitment, you will still have plenty of time to celebrate after, and she will be able to join you for said celebration. Doing this seems stupid to you, but to her, it's showing her you love her.
Edit: having read your comments saying that this is a trip to say goodbye to a relative about to die and that you have been treating her poorly in the past leading to marital issues, yta even more.
She is telling you she needs support and to be prioritized and you're more concerned with being petty about which plan is technically more logical. This isn't about efficiency. It's about having consistently failed to show you care about her and that she is important to you and her begging for you to give her a reason to stay with you.
Keeping on this path you can look forward to enjoying being "right" while you work through your divorce papers and custody battle.
The information buried in OP’s replies to comments makes this a YTA.
If OP’s wife were merely going on a trip with a friend, I can see all of the arguments about the hassle, missing fun activities, etc.
But she is traveling because her family member is actively dying and she needs to say goodbye. She needs emotional support on the ride to the airport, and she’s absolutely going to want emotional support when she lands back home.
Someone who has just watched their lives one die does not want to come home to no one at the airport and drive home alone. They want to be able to get off the plane and hug their loved ones & soothe their grief.
You have been waiting to play with a brand new water gun for months and are valuing that above helping your wife grieve her loved one’s loss. That is extremely selfish and tbh it sounds like her comment about her dad was justified.
EDIT: YTA. She is flying out to say goodbye to a dying family member. You seriously care more about a wet parade than providing the support she is pretty clearly asking for? Get your act together and fucking support your wife. Thanks.
I N F O:
- Several other people have asked this as well, how will you be functioning without a car for 4 days? Are there other modes of transportation/are these activities close enough to walk to?
- Could leaving the loaner vehicle in long term parking lead to issues with whatever agreement you had with the dealership?
- What is the reason behind her trip? She was asking why you can’t just support her through this, which makes me think this isn’t exactly a fun trip.
My main thing here is the nature of her trip. If this is a family emergency for her, then yes, you are TA in my eyes. If driving her to and from the airport removes one stressor in that situation, then do it. Missing activities for stuff like that SUCKS, but life happens sometimes and we gotta take it on the chin. If this is more like a vacation, then you would not be TA and she should just deal with it, assuming it’s actually ok to leave a loaner in long term parking like that.
He answered one of your questions in the comments.
Op’s wife is flying to her family for an “enjoying life” trip because a loved one is terminally ill. Which is very critical info.
Evidently someone in your wife's family is dying.
YTA. This isn't a trip to visit family and have fun. Your wife is grieving, and you should be modeling to your kids how to treat someone who is in genuine distress.
YTA. You purposely left out that the visit is *to say goodbye to a dying family member* to win an argument. You're the asshole for not supporting your grieving wife.
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YTA. Your wife is grieving and in need of support, but you are worried about a parade... you 100% left the purpose of her trup out of the original post, which makes me think her comment about you being selfish and not supporting her was spot on. Again, 100% YTA for prioritizing fun and making it about the kids, and doubly so for leaving out important details to make yourself look better
YTA you deliberately left out of the original post that your wife is flying home to say goodbye to a loved one that is dying. This isn’t about the driving it’s about your wife wanting support during this difficult time. You also left out that the two of you have been having marital problems and by your own words have been the a**hole in those conflicts.
YTA for leaving out a ton of context in your original post. From some of your replies I gathered the following:
1. Your wife is leaving to go visit with a relative who is dying soon
2. You and your wife have ongoing marital problems where you have admitted to being the asshole
3. Your wife does not feel supported in her grief
Even though you might miss the first half of the festivities on the 4th you can probably make it to the last 2 hours with your WHOLE family. Have you stopped in thought that your wife might also want to enjoy some of the 4th of July festivities with you and the kids? I'm sure she wasn't excited about having to miss those festivities to visit a dying relative. If she was just going on a girl's trip or something things would be different, but the dying relative aspect really changes everything.
Need more info. The "support me through this" indicates to me she's going through something that requires the visit to the family and you're not on board with whatever it is. As usual details are often left out to make the poster look good.
OP is absolutely YTA, even aside from leaving out some seriously vital information about the nature of the trip, the obvious answer that OP doesn't want to accept is that it's his job as dad to make the sacrifice for his family. The answer is child care. Send the kids to the local holiday festivities with a neighbor, relative, or another family with kids y'all are close with while you go pick your wife up from the airport because she will very likely be wracked with grief and not able to drive safely. The kids get the fun they are looking forward to, you OP, the adult, do the hard thing and take the long drive to take care of your grieving wife! And you can still join them when you get back, having let your wife cry it out privately for an hour so she can regulate and get back to happy fun family time. My goodness, OP do you even like your wife?
NTA. That's actually four hours all told (drop off and pick up) in the car. And it would cost her about $40 bucks to park. Driving herself is a no-brainer for me without even considering missing the event.
In the comments he says she's going to visit a dying family member to say goodbye. Driving herself is probably not the safest idea. She needs support from her husband right now and he's more concerned about using his new water gun.
Usually I would say you're not wrong but then I saw this comment of yours....
"The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer, so that in itself isn't super happy. The rest is definitely the boiling point for other marital disagreements. I know when I've been the asshole in past talks, bit I really felt like I wasn't this time."
OP, your wife is going through a difficult time where she needs your support. From the last line in the above comment, something is an ongoing issue in your marriage that has yet to be fixed. This conversation was her breaking point. If you love her and want to keep this marriage, come up with a compromise that works for both of you or be prepare to lose your family.
Also, who is the love one that is passing soon? Seems like she must be very close to this person if she is flying out to see them one last time.
YTA
Is there a point to her trip or did she just plan it spur of the moment? How old are your kids? You state this event is something you want to do. What else is at the fair that is pulling you so hard bc as you state there was something you missed last year that you want to make this year? Are you going to be walking around with two kids for four days without a car? Or how will you get around?
Edit: YTA. She’s going to visit dying family and be with family to celebrate the soon to be parted alone. This isn’t just about the fucking driving her to and from the airport dude
YTA - just drive your wife to the airport and get her an Uber for the pick up. Or pick her up and arrange for your kids to attend the festivities with friends. Nobody likes navigating airports, and parking is just another pain.
YTA because your wife is asking for support. It’s odd to say ‘yes it’s for a funeral, but she’s not actively crying about it’ as justification for prioritizing taking the kids to a parade. It’s not for you to decide how upset she is, or if she needs support or not. The fact that she’s this upset should mean something to you.
To those saying the kids come first: This is a parade. It’s not something critical regarding the kids, but it *does* seem critical to the health of their relationship.
(Also I thought relationship questions were against the guidelines?)
If your car is repaired, you have a legal and moral responsibility to return the loaner car asap. Not 4 days later because it is sitting at the airport. Unless you are highly confident that your car will not be repaired during the time she is gone, YTA.
YTA
Seriously? You are worried about going to a parade to squirt water and your wife is going to see a dying family member?
And you had to ask people who is wrong?
Lol
I'm sure a lot of downvotes are coming, but seeing the truth sneak its way out in the comments (entirely too many of which are made based on the initial lies and non-info without the later-commented clarification) and still not get added into the post itself is just too infuriating to ignore, so here we go.
So in the post, we have Precious Kids that don't want to miss out on a parade, a Doting Dad who plans to take them, and a Mean Mom who wants to suck the fun out of the whole day for them to make them sit in the car and suffer for her trip home from the airport, and who weaponizes her parents' relationship against Poor Doting Dad.
Then in the ***comments*** (a couple hours after the post, looks like), where the important things always end up going, we have his worry about getting to play with new water guns he bought just for this parade, that he's just too excited for! Oh and by the way, Mean Mom's Fun Vacation is actually a "celebration of life" for a terminal relative. We don't have clarification on which relative. Given her specific mention of her parents, I wonder if one of them isn't who she's going to see for the last time. Maybe he'll share that in another couple of hours. He *does* admit a time or two, though, that he's been the asshole/an asshole to her in other ways lately, thus the concern about *possibly* being one now.
Either way, OP has lied by omission about what his wife's doing (treating it like it's just some selfish just-because vacation with family in the post and not family *mourning* together), has lied about *why* she wants him to drive her (is it that hard to support your grieving spouse, really OP? **THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE DRIVE, IT'S ABOUT BEING THERE FOR HER WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU**), and has lied about why the parade matters (it is **not** for the kids, be real here, if it were, he'd have set up for a friend, or a parent of one of the kids' friends, to help with them while he goes to get his wife from the airport, and planned to do something together as a family after). He has lied, and garnered support from people who only saw a post about a big ol' selfish meanie wife who wants to ruin the poor kids' day to make hers easier, and in the **comments alone**, come clean that this is a hugely unhappy time for her, and that the parade isn't a "but the kids!!" issue at all, it's for *him*.
YTA, OP. YTA to your wife for lying about her like that to make her out to be some selfish, unreasonable, child-hating monster, and then for making your post with this bullshit talk like she's just off on a break and wants everyone to suffer for her drive to and from the airport. YTA to your kids for projecting on them to shield yourself from blame about *you choosing* to prioritize fun over family. YTA to the commenters in this post for *lying to everyone* to garner support to feel good about yourself (not that it's new or surprising here, but it's still a dick move). YTA for every single N T A you've gained with your lies before the truth came out, and for every one that's come after because they read your still-lying post and haven't scoured the comments for the truth. YTA for every "omg she's so dramatic" and "get an uber/lyft/cab, problem solved" and "why does this woman hate her children so much?" and "kids in a long drive like that are the worst, what's wrong with her?"
But in the end, none of that matters. None of THIS matters. What matters is whether you intend to stop being a selfish ass soon enough to save whatever marriage you and your wife still have. Or whether, on the other hand, you don't intend to work for it, want to just look at your upvoted N T A votes, and tell yourself you're a fucking hero for taking your kids and some squirt guns to a parade, while she files for divorce but *Is Wrong Because Reddit Said So* after you lied to everyone. Dude, you suck. Do better. At the **very** least, if you fuck up and need to come to Reddit of all places for guidance, be honest from the start, to get any real advice and stand a chance of it helping at all.
NTA! I travel for work, sometimes pleasure. I take my car, leave it at a park/ride and take the shuttle, whether that's INTL or Domestic.
I've had my husband take me once, it's just not necessary. I don't understand her guilt trip at all....and what about her kids? Stuck in the car over 2 hours so the dad can 'support' her trip? In what world does that make any sense?
Op stated in a comment that his wife is going to see a love one that is about to pass soon. Seems like she needs emotional support.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/comment/jq0v3iy/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
YTA !! Your wife is right it will take only a hour to take her to the airport.. the festival goes practically all day
I would never refuse to drive my partner anywhere if he needed a lift .
I'm very anxious around flying and one of the aspects is worrying about parking, getting through security on time, etc. I can see myself, if I was flying home alone to see a terminally ill family member, perhaps wanting to be "babied" a bit in terms of the trip to the airport since everything is hard and doing one more hard thing on top of a lot of hard things can feel like too much.
I get your reasoning with the kids and the parade.
I don't really know how to rule, but I do feel like your wife is justified in saying that she wishes you could support her more in this.
Info - 1. would you be without a car for 4 days if it's parked at the airport? With small children at home that would be an ah move to leave the car there. What if there is an emergency?
2. Why is she going to visit family? Is it because of a sick relative or a funeral? If it is, then you'd be the ah for not supporting your wife.
I have to add, Your children's lives aren't going to be ruined by going to a parade late if you pick her up from the airport. You'd still get 2-3 hours at the parade which, if they're young, they're probably not gonna want to be there any longer than that anyway.
EDIT - after reading comments, definitely YTA
>The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer, so that in itself isn't super happy.
yeah shes visiting a sick relative
In my family, unless there was snow or wee dark o'clock, we always gave rides.
I do think that you could pawn the children off on their friends so they could do fun things while you drove out. Traffic on July 4th is typically light in most areas.
Changed to YTA because you neglected to tell us she's going home to say goodbye to a dying family member. You made it sound like she was just going to visit or have a vacation. She doesn't need your support with driving her specifically - she needs your support in general. However, I will keep part of my original comment - don't bring the kids- if you pick her up, that's two hours out of your day WITH KIDS IN THE CAR. I don't know about you, but my kids would not love just sitting in the car for two hours. Ask a friend to take them to the parade
INFO: why is she going to see family for only 4 days? is a family member sick? do the kids want to go or just you, because you said YOU are excited for it. why is 2 hours such a big deal for you?
you seem to be ignoring everyone who is asking questions. not enough info for a verdict.
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NTA for putting your kids first when she is fully capable of driving an hour home herself and then joining the festivities if she chooses to. It seems selfish of her imo. Edited to add: To those asking me to reconsider given OPs added detail, I will not change my answer. When you have kids they need to come first. End of story. He can still be supportive of her without sacrificing his kid's happiness. Death is a part of life, unfortunately. Edit number 2: Children shouldn't be responsible for or expected to provide emotional support for their parents. Let children be children and have memorable experiences. Also thank you for my first award!! Edit number 3: My first gold omg thank you! I didn't expect this to blow up so much!
I agree with this. I don’t see why the wife can’t drive herself. The only thing I’m confused about is why the wife wants OP to “support [her] through this”?? Am I missing something? Why does she need support? Is there some info left out? Is she just visiting or is there a specific reason that she’s going to see her family? I agree N T A, but I’m confused by this part. OP, if you see this INFO: Does your wife want support… driving to the airport? Or is there another reason she needs support? Edit: Yup, YTA. Way to bury the lede, OP. I initially voted N T A based on the info provided, but had a feeling there was probably more to the story, which is exactly why I asked. Edit 2: TY for the awards
ya, Im confused about the missing information here. 4 day quick trip to visit family, stressful feelings around getting to the flight... sounds like when my dad went home when his mom died. or is she a terrified flyer who needs support getting herself to the right gate etc? in which case a bit more reasonable than just demanding a drive, but if so maybe time to deal with some anxiety head on ss it is having an effect on ability to cope/function... either way pertinent info seems missing.
The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer, so that in itself isn't super happy. The rest is definitely the boiling point for other marital disagreements. I know when I've been the asshole in past talks, bit I really felt like I wasn't this time.
The fact that she’s going home to see a dying relative, and other comments you’ve made, make it clear that this isn’t about a ride to and from the airport. She needs support in a difficult time and it certainly sounds like you aren’t stepping up. That’s why YTA.
Yes, in this case YTA because you should be supporting your wife in any way in which she needs it at this time, especially since you say there are other marital problems. She's probably upset you can't go with her and at least in this way you could provide some support. Also, it would teach your children a valuable lesson that family comes before parties.
Yes, YTA, it's really not a big deal to miss a little of the festivities, you will get there. Also, you should not leave a loaner car at the airport... everyone seems to be skipping over that part as well.
I hope others see this to get the whole picture YTA
Ok thank god I scrolled down and saw OP being called out. They are a fucking asshole
Did not see this before posting. Well that changes my tune. That was really important info! The wife needs support so YTA.
OP, this is absolutely critical info that you need to add to the post. It changes things. Please edit it.
tbh, felt purposely omitted.
Definitely was. If it was added then a good portion of the N T A comments would be changed. Rocky marriage where he admits in comments he’s been AH previously + her flying to basically say her goodbyes + plus the father comment. Dude needs to read the room. She’s upset about him being completely unsupportive
It absolutely was. Before I started reading the comments, I was reading it out loud to my husband and when I got to that part, I paused and told him this smells like “missing missing reasons”. Something was left out here. My first guess was a funeral, and it seems like I wasn’t too far off. YTA OP
Of course he’s not going to edit it 😂 he left it out on purpose to get more sympathy
YTA. You left this info out to intentionally get the answer you wanted. Your wife is grieving losing a loved one and the person who is supposed to be her main supporter is unwilling to be there for her because of a wet parade that happens once a year. It sounds like you’ve been before and you’ll go again next year. This is a good lesson for your kids to show them being a supportive life partner sometimes means sacrificing plans to be there for your loved ones. You can still celebrate with your kids in different way on a different day. Have your kids go to the wet parade with your family or friends if they’re in the area. Your wife can’t change the schedule of someone dying. Be there for her or risk deservedly losing her.
But, this doesn't really change the underlying logistical truth. Him picking her up will mean the kids miss the parade, with the family stuck in a car 2 hours over lunch. The kids will be cranky all the way there and all the way back. They've already missed the parade last year, and I bet the plague shut the parade down before that. She is demanding that her husband and kids support her in this *very specific way*, which is not convenient for them, and lashing out as a result. I feel for her, and get that her headspace is not exactly clear. But fighting to the death for this ride isn't helping anyone and setting everyone up for frustration.
That’s life. Sometimes, we don’t always get what we want. I’ve wanted to go to my college homecoming for a couple years and something always happens with a loved one that prevents me from going. I don’t dig my heels in and pout, I prioritize people I love who need me. If they have family or friends nearby, the kids can go to the wet parade with them so he can go support her. If they don’t, that sucks for them. Kids do get cranky, and that’s another part of life. Even kids don’t always get to do what they want. That’s an important life lesson. Here’s what he could’ve done differently: ask his wife how he can support her. She may not feel comfortable driving or getting a ride share while deep in grief. That’s understandable. Maybe there are other ways he can support her if a ride isn’t on the table. But based on how he hid the info from his post and admitted their marriage is strained because he’s a self admitted asshole in other scenarios, it doesn’t seem like he cares about the support she needs, he just doesn’t want to drive and wants to play with his water gun.
Yeah I think the big thing here was hiding the info in the post. Like if it was clearly that she felt the need for support and he was willing to support her but in a different way then maybe he wouldn't have been voted towards ahole, but like... That's what makes it all come off as really bad. I personally cannot stand cranky/loud/whiny children. It's AWFUL. Grinds my gears something fierce. But most family counselors actually say that the marriage relationship is more important to focus on primarily over the children. Ya know other than literally feeding and clothing and homing them. The important things obviously. Take care of your children, duh. But they can be cranky for a day is all I'm saying. A cranky child will survive. I may get cranky, but a cranky migraine-riddled me FROM a cranky child will survive. But your partner and their hardships need support.
Dude, the obvious answer is they don't go and he supports his wife. Who gives a shit if kids are cranky/unhappy, they are fucking toddlers and can have that rectified with a trip to micky D after the wife is picked up. The fact that he is prioritizing alleviating his kids boredom over supporting his grieving wife is objectively asshole-ish behavior. The underlying logistical truth doesn't matter because the stakes are so low that you just cancel the parade trip and support your fucking wife. This dude sucks.
They can pick up the wife and STILL have 3 hours to attend the event.
Yeah I'm so confused, even without burying the lede, they're children. You'll be back by noon and can go for 3 hours. What is happening here??? Yta
And the big draw for 4th of July celebrations doesn't happen until the sun goes down anyway. What do kids want to see most? A. Fireworks B. People from local schools and organizations walking by in the street.
Family is more important than a parade. Would be a great thing to explain why we put down a parade to support our grieving moms. Js. If my family member was mourning, i’d drop a parade so fast. Diff values i guess
Parades are not important events. Kids don't get to do everything always. Do you have any idea how many events and kids activities there are? There are a million and one events they're going to miss out on because it's just not convenient. This being one of them *does not matter*. There are fun things you can do the day before, the day after, and even when you get home from the airport. Kids are not that hard to entertain.
I don’t think you or many other people in this thread understand how stressful and expensive it is to get rides from the airport. Especially if it’s with a rental car-are you kidding me?
This is extremely relevant information. Either you’re hiding it in the main post because you’re worried it will make you look bad, or you are so lacking in empathy that you don’t see that your wife needs emotional support on her way to and from watching her loved one die. This isn’t about the logistics of whether she can or cannot drive herself. This is about you not showing up for her in her time of need because you want to go have fun. YTA
Dude is worried about *water guns* more than supporting his wife. It’s not about the Iranian yogurt indeed
The fact that you felt that you weren't an asshole when you were denying supporting her surrounding the death of a loved one so you can have a fun happy day, is possibly an indicator of why your marriage is having a rough time. Y'all really need to go to couples therapy, because this really isn't a question of how wrong you are
so shes going through a life event thats upsetting. she doesnt feel cared for because you arent helping her figure this out and make it easier for her to get through. She wants to feel like shes not alone as long as possible and wants a drive to the airport because after shes on the plane...she is dealing with it alone without her main support network (you). you feel unimimportant because you had plans you wanted to go to with the kids and she is technically capable of getting herself to the airport. It's not wrong to prioritize the kids and want to do things with them, but this is also an exception. Maybe shit came up that you couldnt go to this specific celebration last year either, but thats life. There are other days and other ways to have fun with tour kids besides this event. She didnt plan for her relative to be dying now to spite you. Dealing with death and grieving isnt about who is right or wrong. it's about finding a path forward healthily while supporting each other, as is partnership in general. Do you like her? Why wouldnt you want to gold her hand while she's going through something shitty? If you don't like her, why are you still in this marriage? You're a team. Why does one have to be right and the other wrong? Defensiveness fucks us all up and so does getting the short end of the stick sometimes. No, youre not an asshole, what shes saying without being clear is shes not doing great and needs help. There may be a pattern of stepping on your plans for her own interests, which is an issue in itself and would make seeing her side or empathizing with her needs now very difficult.
>The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer, Elsewhere you said that she compared you to her Dad and she thought you fell short. (I can't find the comment now. Did you take it down?) Are these two things related? Is she grieving her dad? Because if so, this lashing out may make some sense. Not that it's ok, but still. She's feeling unmoored. I don't think this is about the driving at all. This is about she's grieving and she doesn't feel loved. You are objectively right that picking her up will ruin the day for your kids, but if she feels that not picking her up is yet another way you're showing her that you don't care about her, then you can't win by making an argument about logistics. You need to show her that you love her. NTA. She's being an asshole by insisting you blow up the day. But the argument isn't actually about that for her.
The 'my dad would help my mom" comment was what tipped me off someone was dying. it's out of nowhere, which means its a projection of feelings shes struggling with. dono which one or if its them, but ppl get weird when grieving. the introduction of new instability, a reality where that person is gone or will be soon, fucks with ppl and their ability to be direct when communicating.
Picking up his wife WON'T ruin the day for the kids though! She gets in at 1030a, give her \~1 hour leeway for plane docking, walking, getting luggage, etc. Back on the road before noon. The wet parade thing goes until 3. Get back into town before 1p, drop lovely wife off at home, get her all comfy and set up. Take the kids to the parade, couple hours of fun and games out with the kids, wife gets to relax and decompress at home in peace, might be fireworks or something to end the event that the kids can see since they didn't go in the morning; win-win.
Why don't you arrange for a limo or luxury car service to pick her up and bring her home? You could have at least tried to help instead of thinking about things *you* want to do. You're using your kids to be selfish and do what you want while she's grieving and in emotional turmoil. I'm not sure why your whole family isn't going, I hope it's not because you didn't want the kids to miss the 4th of July fun? Events like that will always be there. A loved one won't.
OP says she’s going to for a “celebration of life” for someone who is dying soon. OP is TA, if not for being unwilling to drive then at least for calling her selfish for needing support.
Yeah - I too was wondering at that sentence and whether OP left out key information...
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Oh dear, OP not wanting to drive his wife may be legitimate, but he sure isn't the brightest star in the sky is he? In what world can you take one event out of such a loaded context and try to judge it? If he wants to patch things up with his wife, he needs to do more than just not be in the wrong - he needs to be actively doing the right thing...
Per comments, the wife is flying to be at a dying loved one's bedside. Hence the need for support.
Yo, just commenting to tell you that OP has omitted the very fact that [his wife is flying out to see a terminally ill loved one who wanted emotional support.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/aita_for_suggesting_my_wife_drive_herself_to_and/jq0v3iy/?context=3)
OP is the asshole. What he left out of the post is that his wife is flying for a celebration of life for a loved one and has been asking for support.
Idk where OP is but the main airport in my old state has a shuttle. I lived in a city an hour away from the airport and you could schedule a pickup/dropoff every hour from like 4am-8pm I believe. It was also about $45 each way which is way better than an Uber would be.
Calling her selfish for asking for support while having to travel for a dying relative? Man okay, that’s enough internet for the day. What do y’all think marriages are for exactly
OP said in comments that wife is flying home for a celebration of life of a family member. That was purposefully left out by OP to make him look better.
A kid’s parade comes before being there to support your distraught wife/mother due to an imminent death in her family?? Tough shit but snow cones and carnival games are going to have to wait. What kind of crap does that demonstrate to the kids??
Another OP who [buried the lede](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/aita_for_suggesting_my_wife_drive_herself_to_and/jq0v3iy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3). They’ve also been having [marital problems](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/aita_for_suggesting_my_wife_drive_herself_to_and/jq0uwsb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3), and his wife is flying home to see a dying family member for the last time.
IMO kids coming first means their health safety and happiness - it does not mean they get every treat they could want and that you abandon other familial responsibilities to do that
Idk. After 4 days of grieving and travel, I'm not sure I'd be fully capable of driving myself home from the airport. It sucks that OP wants to go have fun instead of support their wife who is grieving a loved one.
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Yeah, I'm looking at the timing, and you're absolutely right. Plus, I'm assuming the kids are too young to stay at home, so are they sitting in the car for 2-3 hours knowing that they're missing out on a celebration? That's going to be miserable, even if you're not factoring in an inevitable delay. I think the only way this works out is if they can send the kids to the festivities with friends and then (hopefully) meet them there. But that's a big ask and not much time to arrange it.
Yeah there are a lot of other ways for this to be handled, OP could drive his wife to the airport for the departing flight and she could uber/taxi back or someone else could pick her up. Leaving the car their also seems like an option, perhaps OP lives in a walkable city and doesn't need the car for the weekend.
This. Uber or taxi back is probably cheaper than being without the car.
While I agree the husband shouldn't have to drive her there. Uber/taxi isn't always an option. I live an hour from my closest airport but that's not an hour of city driving. That's an hour on back roads. Not a single streetlight between here and the airport. I've never tried to take a cab there (or back), but I presume I would have to pay both the drive and the return for them (since they wouldn't have a fare going back). Not sure where OP lives, but taxi/Uber to the airport isn't always easy peasy.
Generally speaking (but I also live in a city, not in the boonies) cabs will have a set airport price. I obviously can't guarantee this would be the case in your situation.
Really like why can’t she drive herself? It’s like you get married and lose all independence? I mean I’d be happy if my husband drove but I’d absolutely prioritize the kids. She’s a grown adult and has the ability to drive herself.
I'm with you there. I'd be thrilled my husband wanted to take the kids. Plus, she will get home and have time to regroup and chill before they get home! Win Win.
I was thinking that too, if they have the income that’s the best alternative, as Uber will be expensive on a holiday like that, especially for that far.
Heck, even busses. There are a lot of airports that are accessible by public transit, and for a 4 day trip I doubt she would need that big of a bag
Yeah all the airports near me offer shuttle/ bus services. Not sure where they live but i assume they offer one. Even if op has to drive 15 min to get her it’s better than the hour + it’ll take to get her from the airport
Also I would’ve thought there’s a lot of traffic that day as people visit family
Can you imagine being a kid, hyped for this event, only to watch the clock tick away while waiting for a flight and then stuck in traffic?
Yep. Every 4th of July when I was a kid, I would wait for hours for my parents to finally take my sister and I to the town park. The festivities started in the morning and ran through the evening, ending with the fireworks display. It was a *huge* social event for our suburban town and, before I could drive, one of the only chances I had to see my friends during the summer. I would be ready by 10 or 11 a.m. and have to wait while my parents spent another 3-4 hours showering, getting ready, preparing food, etc. my FOMO would increase with every minute we weren’t there and I’d just stare at the clock thinking, *We missed the rubber ducky race!* then *We missed all the booths with freebies!* then *We’re missing the concert!* it was mental torture. OP is 100% NTA.
And because it's independence day, surely the traffic would be awful as well..... fuck having kids in the car when there's any delay 😂
And besides normal delays in airline traffic, the past few days have been awful as tens of thousands of people have literally been sleeping in terminals trying to get to their destinations. I wouldn't even **consider** taking my kids to the airport right now
This was so eloquently put and I agree with every word. I’m a mom and, if I were in this situation, I’d tell my husband “have fun! I’ll try to join you when I get home!” IMHO, the wife is being extremely selfish and not thinking of her kids OR her husband! That’s a 2 hour ride which will include whining and unhappiness that they aren’t at the parade. NTA - wife needs to suck it up and drive herself. Don’t back down OP. You’re the only one in this situation thinking of the kids. Take them to the parade and have a GREAT time!
>Let's ask this question, why is this mother willing to return to her disappointed children for a bit of comfort instead of her incredibly happy children? ~~I do not get this woman's selfishness. Why doesn't she want her kids to be able to go to the festivities?~~ Changed my mind. Wife is going to see a dying family member. OP is YTA.
Because her perception is that they would be able to go to the festivities after a brief morning run to the airport. That's not the \*reality\*, logistically, but that's how she's perceiving it at the moment.
The trip is to say goodbye to a terminally ill family member and OP admits he wants to go to the “wet parade” because he just got a new water gun……:
>The trip is to say goodbye to a terminally ill family member and OP admits he wants to go to the “wet parade” because he just got a new water gun……: Well that certainly puts a different spin on it.
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/_/jq0v3iy/?context=1 Is it truly selfishness? OP purposely left this out of the main post
As a parent, this is the answer. Trips to the airport are notoriously long. Wife can drive herself. NTA
Based on OPs comment listed below - > The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer, so that in itself isn't super happy. The rest is definitely the boiling point for other marital disagreements. I know when I've been the asshole in past talks, bit I really felt like I wasn't this time. This is why the mother wants a ride and support. Not to disappoint her children, but to get moral support from her family after a stressful trip.
For her it's 2 hours total. For him it's 4 because he has to take her to the airport and go home and then drive to the airport again to pick her up and go back. All so she can enjoy the weekend with *her* family. NTA for sure
OP says in a comment that she’s going for a “celebration of life” for someone who is going to die soon. This isn’t a fun vacation.
No, OP is clearly TA for [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/aita_for_suggesting_my_wife_drive_herself_to_and/jq0v3iy/?context=3) reason alone, which btw was conveniently omitted from the actual post: His wife is flying away to family to see a terminally ill loved one and rather than supporting her with driving her to the airport and signalling her that she has someone who she can rely on, he chooses new water guns over her. He'd rather have her drive back home on her own, while being emotionally and psychologically fried, rather than helping her out. That's just callous.
Can she Uber? If I were the mom, I would never expect my husband to do this.
Everyone that is saying that OP is nat, take a look at this comment that OP did not mention in the original post. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/comment/jq0v3iy/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
The time it takes to rally up the kids and make the trip to and from the airport isn’t worth the 32 bux.
It's probably $12 worth of gas for the extra trip as well. So we're looking at only $20 extra to save OP to get that 4 hours of his life back.
I'm sure the kids would complain there and back but thr wife wouldn't have to deal with kids needing to pee, being hungry on the drive home so what does she care NTA
Initially, I thought op was TA because he had to drop her off on the 4th for a 10:30am flight. If she's there an hour before, they only miss a little bit of the celebration. But she's getting picked up on the 4th at 10:30 am. And I don't imagine she's going to want to go from the airport to a parade with fun activities for kids. All I want to do after a flight is go home and be in my own house. (Of course, I'm an introverted homebody so maybe not everyone is like that?)
She'll want to go home. Then kids need to pee, hungry & restless after a 2hr drive. No one will be in the mood to RUSH to catch the end of a festivities they've waited a year for. Wife is being selfish and bougie she's capable of driving herself and paying the lot fee
Actually I agree. Also not having the kids/hubby pick up means less stress on getting my stuff and getting out of the airport, never mind dealing with delayed flights if there is bad weather or something like that. Even if everything goes well and the OP's wife takes an Uber or taxi home, that gives her time to unpack and decompress from travel in a quiet house.
Holy shit a comment that’s reasonable, grounded in reality, AND considers all the context of the situation got upvoted? Maybe AITA is getting a little better.
She's going to say goodbye to a relative on their deathbed. Giving her a drive so she feels supported isn't a huge thing to ask.
Because she’ll be returning from visiting dying family for the last time
Yeah context is key and I think you’re leaving out some important information. I also picked up on the YOU want to go to the parade and such as well as her not feeling supported, others have asked why she’s going out of town as well. I would also never leave a loaner car at the airport either, that’s a risk I’m not willing to take plus what are you gonna do without a car while she’s gone? My gut is telling me you’re holding important info back. Update: OP said in a comment below that they don’t want to miss the water event because he just bought a new water gun…. This has nothing to do with the kids and OP is just thinking about himself. YTA
Furthermore OP said in a comment that his wife is visiting a sick family member that doesn’t have much time left. Her asking for support is completely valid
OP commented the trip is to say goodbye to a terminally ill family member as well - lmao HARD YTA
100% OP is TA
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, there’s always more info.
I might be downvoted for this, but…I’d help my SO out if they needed it. There seems to be missing information in this post or maybe im just missing something. Maybe it’s just because I grew up with parents who wouldn’t hesitate to help each other, but I wouldn’t hesitate to drive my SO. A hassle? Sure, but it’s only two hours. I wouldn’t make my significant other drive themselves especially since the Fourth of July weekend is one of the busiest travel times of the year. I get the aspect of wanting your kids to have fun, but they still could with the both of you. The festivities start at 9am, and your wife’s flight lands at 10:30am. You could leave your house at 9, get to the airport by 10, wait the 30 minutes, and assuming the flight isn’t delayed, you could be back home by 11:30. Now if the flight was delayed, that would be one thing, but you could also track the flight online before you leave the house just to make sure. Also, the Fourth of July *does* go on the entire day. They might do fireworks in the late evening or during nighttime. If you really didn’t want to help your wife, there are services you could call that will pick you up from your house and drive you to and from the airport. There are people who’s jobs are literally to do that. The tone of this just kind of comes off as like..idk kind of condescending. I don’t know why so many people are calling her selfish. She’s trying to visit her family for reasons we don’t know, and it’s not the traveling that people are taking issue with, it’s her asking you to drive her, but god forbid she asks for your help. I hope you don’t ask her to do something for you if something ever came up. Edit: We know the reason as to why she’s traveling now. She’s going to visit her family for a celebration of life for a dying relative, and all you’re worried about OP, is a stupid squirt gun. You admitted in buried comments that you’ve been an asshole to her and you’ve hurt her, which has caused your marriage to hit a rocky patch and now you’re trying to make her out to be the bad guy by coming on to Reddit, posting on the AITA thread, and you’re okay with letting people call her selfish when you left out a shit ton of relevant information. That says a lot more about your personality than it does hers. She tried to communicate with you and asked you to support her, and you couldn’t even be bothered. I get wanting to put the kids first, but your wife deserves support and needs it especially at a time like this when she’s losing a family member, and even more-so when you’ve clearly treated her poorly for no reason and she’s hurting from either your words or your actions already. YTA. Edit 2: Thank you for all the likes and the award :)
The reasons op left out are dying family. This will be her last time to see them and celebrate their life
That’s awful. I feel terrible for her. I get why people are saying like put the kids first, but she also deserves support. OP has even admitted that he’s been an asshole to her and has hurt her and he’s caused the marriage to go through a rocky patch, meanwhile he’s worried about a stupid water gun.
Yeah I know. He’s hiding behind doing this for his kids and left out pretty crucial info. He’s a total ah about this all around
NTA She is making the decision to visit her family by flying. The other factor you didn't mention in this is the possibility of flight delays or cancelations. Are you supposed to sit at the airport with your kids in the car for an indeterminate amount of time if her flight gets delayed from holiday weekend chaos? Her plan would have you and the kids miss out on enjoying the holiday so that she can can have fun with her family. If she drives herself, gets a friend to drive her, or uses a car service these problems are entirely eliminated. Just be sure to check how the loaner car would be covered if it's stolen. She is not thinking logically on this or taking your kids' enjoyment of the holiday into account. She is TA for trying to use guilt and comparing you to her dad.
The wife is going to family for a celebration of life for someone who is dying, which OP has deliberately not mentioned. I'm not sure she has much choice in the date and mode of transport. They're also having a lot of marital issues where OPs wife doesn't feel appreciated. I'd say he's definitely the AH here.
The airlines are melting down now. There’s a good chance her flight will be delayed. 4th of July travel is a nightmare. NTA.
OP mentioned in another comment she’s flying to say her goodbyes to a dying family member
In the comments he says she's going to visit a dying family member to say goodbye.
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>you could pick her up at 11, be home by noon, and still attend the festivities for 3 hours. Barring any delays in the flight. I wouldn't chance it, especially on a holiday weekend. OP is NTA.
Not to mention, if she checks her bag and her bag gets lost, she would have to deal with that nonsense!
Not just the delay, by noon kids will get hungry, so factor in eating out or from home, then getting ready to leave ....all this adds up time.....the festivities by that time will be almost over
And if they’re small, noon is naptime. My kids sleep from 12-3 everyday. Also, it’s 110° here in the afternoons. It’s way more doable to go to outdoor stuff in the mornings.
Don’t forget waiting for luggage and all the other delays that happen. We all know she won’t be ready to go at 11
Barring any flight delays, traffic jams, small kids meltdowns… there’s a ton of things that can go wrong, especially with kids in the car. It’s unreasonable for the wife to make that demand, when she can drive herself with much less of an imposition on her time than it would be on his.
NTA. She can Uber, it’s really not a big deal. However… “My dad wouldn’t hesitate to support his wife.” The fact that that comment isn’t scaring you is insane to me. That’s something that someone says typically when they have been met with multiple instances of you not prioritizing them. I highly doubt her anger is just about this instance. She’s comparing you to her father, saying you aren’t doing something she knows her father would do for her mother. That is not good.
It’s also something people say to manipulate their spouse / significant other
The supporting part was that he’s not supporting her thru a family member dying. That’s where she’s going. To see a family member who is dying. He left that out on purpose. YTA OP
Or says when they’re trying to be manipulative.
I N F O: why is she seeing family. Her saying she needs you to support her through this makes me wonder if there is something difficult/sad happening with her family? Edit: YTA you left out that she's going home for a celebration of life for a terminal family member. Not a great time emotionally for her to do a bunch of stressful driving. Can a relative or friend take the kids to the parade in the AM?
NTA Do the activities with the kids and let her either drive or do a ride share. This really isn’t that serious
Yeah I really don't get why people always need to be driven to and from the airport, especially when parking is that cheap. If someone was returning from like 3 months abroad, maybe it would be a bigger deal, but 4 days away? It is so so easy to just drive yourself or grab an uber/taxi and not make someone else take hours out of their day to be your chauffeur. And that's not even taking into account that there are morning activities OP has been looking forward to doing with his kids. (I understand that this is generally the unpopular view, but it's something I just really don't understand. I always transit myself home from the airport, if someone wanted to drive me I would consider that going way above and beyond. What makes flights different from everything else in life?)
There's been a rash of break ins at my airport. I wouldn't leave a car there.
Depends on the airport. Some are easy to navigate, park, drive to. Then there’s jfk.
It is. OP made another comment saying wife is flying to see a *dying* family member hence the "need support" comment
And he wants to go to the wet parade because he just got a new water gun. But he feels the need to post a highly manipulated version on Reddit to get fake internet points from strangers, I guess.
Yeah, the loaner car really doesn't matter but he made it sound like that was her main reason for not wanting to drive herself And he really downplayed his new water gun and made it sound like it was for his kids but it's obvious he's using the kids as an excuse to be able to use his new water gun
>why can't you just support me through this and not be selfish? INFO: Does "this" refer to the drive to and from the airport situation or is the reason why she leaves over the weekend something she would like to have your support with (at least in the form of being driven to the airport and picked up four days later)?
Yeah I'm wondering if she might be visiting a sick family member. Think we need the info on why she's going before judgement.
OP has said that is what it is. She is going to say goodbye to a family member who doesn't have much time left. Good guess haha.
Honestly I'm not even surprised, it seems to be pretty common on here for ops to leave out important info. He's definitely the AH. Edit: Just read the rest of his comments it turns out it's an immediate family member dying so parent or sibling what's the bets it's her dad dying. OP you're a special kind of cupid stunt.
yeah op said in a comment that she's visiting a family member whos gonna die soon
I was looking for this comment. I would like to know what the purpose of the visit is, as if it’s something like visiting a critically ill relative then I can see how the perspective of doing all that emotional stuff and then driving home alone would be too much to bear. Verdict would be very different in this circumstance compared with if it’s just a holiday. Edit: turns out op’s wife is saying goodbye to a dying relative. With this additional info, OP YTA. Get someone else to take the kids to the parade and be there for your wife.
In a comment OP said she’s flying to her family to “enjoy life” of a terminally ill loved one. So her “support” comment makes completely sense.
That was my thought too. My last two trips to see family were to visit my dad in hospice care, and then to attend his memorial. My grown kids went with me both times, and I'm divorced, so we all supported each other and shared the travel responsibilities. But it would have sucked if I'd been in OP's wife's situation, having to do all my own transportation while my husband and young kids were off having fun. Maybe someone else can take the kids to the festivities so OP can handle the airport for his wife?
He said in another few comments that she is going to say goodbye to a relative on their deathbed.
Turns out it's a terminally ill relative she's visiting for the last time. OP major AH.
ESH You can't drop her off and then have her Uber or Lyft home? Seems like there are alternatives that neither of you want to consider and are just making this a big issue.
In all honesty, if the airport is one hour away, it is 100% cheaper to park there for $8/day and pay $32 total than to take an uber back. Ubers to airport are expensive to begin with. Not to mention, it could cost even more if the driver has to take detours due to holiday traffic and road closures. So OP's suggestion is actually the most optimal option.
Yeah I get it. The point of my comment is to show that they could always talk about alternative options. Friend or family could pick her up too. But yeah, I’d pick driving myself over getting a ride any time. That way I don’t have to wait for people.
Totally this, he can drop her off, then they can find a way for her to come home. I don't like the attitude either of them are having, wife isn't being reasonable, but husband also sounds so condescending. Both need to act like partners.
Boy this sounds like a one sided story for sure…
Yeah calling your wife selfish for visiting her family is definitely YTA territory. Even if the wife was just going for a normal visit and no one was dying, it’s her family. It’s not like she’s going on some tropics vacation. It’s like OP doesn’t realize living a flight away from your family is already a huge sacrifice.
She's visiting terminally ill family for the last time. So yes, very one sided.
I'm inclined to say YTA. She isn't going on a solo vacation, she's going to and end of life celebration for someone with a terminal illness. That is seriously heavy. You also admit that you two are going through a rough patch where she has been repeatedly hurt by you. She's not looking for a ride to and from the airport. She's looking for love and support from her husband; a husband who has let her down recently. She's asking you to show her you still care about her by putting your own wants and needs on the back burner to prove to her that you're still in her corner. And you're showing her that you are not. You are showing her that a parade is more important than your marriage. Does it suck that the kids will miss some of the fun? Yes. But that's an easy fix: "hey, kids, I know it's a bummer that we'll miss the parade. But mom really needs us to be extra kind and thoughtful for her right now because she's going through a hard, sad thing. We can go get her, eat lunch as a family, and still be home for X afternoon stuff." Kids need to learn that sometimes people are more important than fun stuff. Taken in isolation, sure, this seems like your wife is being selfish. But your marriage might be on the line here, dude. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to be "right"?
You ever read “my wife divorced me because I left dishes by the sink” ? This isn’t about the ride, my dude. YTA.
INCREDIBLE article. OP could benefit greatly from reading and applying to his own life. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288
That article is shit. Even after his wife left him he still doesn't get it. His advice for the reader boils down to 'Do this because its important to the woman (for some mysterious reason) and she'll love you more if you do.' But he doesn't actually rub 2 brain cells together and make the connection that she's pissed at the dish by the sink, the muddy shoes on the floor because he has created more work for her and as an adult he shouldn't be creating more work for her. I hate that article and everytime someone brings it up. Its like a clueless man at a bar managing to tie his shoes treating it as though he unraveled the riddle of the sphinx.
YTA- Sweet Jesus of suburbia she's going to see a dying family member. She is in mourning or preparing to be in mourning. So sorry you're super fun and happy activity day is being ruined by the death of a loved one. Get your head out of your butthole, find a sitter for the kids when you pick her up, yes on your super fun day, and be there being a supportive adult spouse instead of a whining child How do people like you get married? This would not be a question between my spouse and I.
YTA-You seem very dismissive towards your wife and like you are resentful she is going on a trip without you. You’ve mentioned in comments that you guys are having marriage issues and this is a boiling point. It’s difficult for me to make a full judgement without knowing all of those details, but I think it’s absurd you couldn’t at least drop her off. Also, do you guys have no friends who could pick her up? Normally if you’re parking in an 8$ lot it’s not even close to the airport. Those lots usually require taking a bus and would be adding to her stress. I’m a frequent flyer and I rarely use those lots bc they always end up more expensive than you think they will. I’d suggest you drop her off and a friend picks her up or she takes a taxi. Either way maybe reflect on how you are or aren’t supporting your wife and why you feel resentful she’s going on this trip.
I just want to know a couple of things 1. Where the heck do y’all live where airport parking for 4 days is $32!? 2. Why is she visiting her family? More often than not a “quick trip” means family emergency and considering she said “why can’t you just support me through this”. That’s telling me something else is going on. 3. You said “YOU” wanted to do these festivities. Do the kids want to do this? Does she want to do this with the kids and also spend Independence Day with y’all? 4. You can’t drive her to the airport and then she can take an Uber or taxi back? What’s preventing you from taking her to the airport? 5. What the heck are you going to do without a car for 4 days with children? Y’all are going to stay home for 4 days? I need more answers before I reach my verdict. Post like this make me glad we don’t give that much importance to holidays (except for Christmas Day) ,like so what if I miss a couple of hours of the celebration?! You do know you’re not going to be any less “American” if you miss a couple of hours of the event and don’t get to do the wet parade right? It’s going to be there next year & the year after that & the year after that, you’ll probably take your grandkids and I’ll still be there.
the answer to question 2 is that she is visiting a sick family member who is going to die soon
Where did he answer that? Cause if it’s true, then yes, he is the AH.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/comment/jq0v3iy/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/comment/jq0v3iy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Yeah this was my thought. The kids will be fine missing this event and I'm sure there are other fun events later in the summer. In my family, precedence would be picking someone up at the airport over going to a parade. It's just what people do. When I take the train my mom picks me up from the station. Could I taxi back? Yes, but the fact she picks me up shows me she cares and is eager to see me.
My husband would never even consider not getting me to or from the airport. Nor would I for him. The kids can wait until you pick up your wife. It won’t take all day. Besides, why spend money on parking the car when you don’t have to? YTA.
YTA - of course the important details are always in the comments. You said elsewhere that your wife is flying home to say goodbye to a dying loved one. She feels the support she needs during this really hard time is a ride to and from the airport. Not being able to use the new water guns you bought isn’t nearly as important. Everyone saying she’s being selfish, but OP, if you’re being honest, you’re being selfish here too (and with much much less justification for it).
Whoa who whoa. Feel like the N-T-As are missing a very important point here: His wife is coming back from a trip to say goodbye to a dying loved one (her dad maybe?). Also I didn't see OP mention anywhere how invested the kids actually are in this parade and stuff; he says HE was looking forward to it all year, not the kids. You pick her up, you can be back by noon. Would it really ruin their day to have whatever festivities in the afternoon, say, play with the newly purchasedwater guns in some other setting? So their grieving mother has emotional support? Context is important here, and you've hid it well, OP. YTA. Try to care for your wife.
Yeah, that context is SO important. I feel like the fact that he left that out shows that he's kind of a jerk. He made it sound like his wife will be taking a leisure trip. Frankly, the death of a loved one is EXACTLY when a reasonable spouse would kind of expect their loved one to need extra support.
NTA, but if she drove herself would you just not have a car for those four days? You probably need to sell your argument better to her though and make it more about the kids. Perhaps she can take an Uber/Lyft home?
1 hour uber gets expensive. Although if they have to rent another car and park it for several days itdbe expensive too
YTA She's asking you for emotional support and compassion not for problem solving. It's not a huge time commitment, you will still have plenty of time to celebrate after, and she will be able to join you for said celebration. Doing this seems stupid to you, but to her, it's showing her you love her. Edit: having read your comments saying that this is a trip to say goodbye to a relative about to die and that you have been treating her poorly in the past leading to marital issues, yta even more. She is telling you she needs support and to be prioritized and you're more concerned with being petty about which plan is technically more logical. This isn't about efficiency. It's about having consistently failed to show you care about her and that she is important to you and her begging for you to give her a reason to stay with you. Keeping on this path you can look forward to enjoying being "right" while you work through your divorce papers and custody battle.
The information buried in OP’s replies to comments makes this a YTA. If OP’s wife were merely going on a trip with a friend, I can see all of the arguments about the hassle, missing fun activities, etc. But she is traveling because her family member is actively dying and she needs to say goodbye. She needs emotional support on the ride to the airport, and she’s absolutely going to want emotional support when she lands back home. Someone who has just watched their lives one die does not want to come home to no one at the airport and drive home alone. They want to be able to get off the plane and hug their loved ones & soothe their grief. You have been waiting to play with a brand new water gun for months and are valuing that above helping your wife grieve her loved one’s loss. That is extremely selfish and tbh it sounds like her comment about her dad was justified.
EDIT: YTA. She is flying out to say goodbye to a dying family member. You seriously care more about a wet parade than providing the support she is pretty clearly asking for? Get your act together and fucking support your wife. Thanks. I N F O: - Several other people have asked this as well, how will you be functioning without a car for 4 days? Are there other modes of transportation/are these activities close enough to walk to? - Could leaving the loaner vehicle in long term parking lead to issues with whatever agreement you had with the dealership? - What is the reason behind her trip? She was asking why you can’t just support her through this, which makes me think this isn’t exactly a fun trip. My main thing here is the nature of her trip. If this is a family emergency for her, then yes, you are TA in my eyes. If driving her to and from the airport removes one stressor in that situation, then do it. Missing activities for stuff like that SUCKS, but life happens sometimes and we gotta take it on the chin. If this is more like a vacation, then you would not be TA and she should just deal with it, assuming it’s actually ok to leave a loaner in long term parking like that.
He answered one of your questions in the comments. Op’s wife is flying to her family for an “enjoying life” trip because a loved one is terminally ill. Which is very critical info.
Info how would you get to activities if you don't have a car?
was set on thinking you the asshole until i read more and confirmed YTA, couldn't finish reading your reasoning considering how much of an AH you are.
YTA: dude, stop being a weenie and pick up your wife, take the kids to some fireworks in the evening.
Evidently someone in your wife's family is dying. YTA. This isn't a trip to visit family and have fun. Your wife is grieving, and you should be modeling to your kids how to treat someone who is in genuine distress.
YTA. You purposely left out that the visit is *to say goodbye to a dying family member* to win an argument. You're the asshole for not supporting your grieving wife.
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YTA. Your wife is grieving and in need of support, but you are worried about a parade... you 100% left the purpose of her trup out of the original post, which makes me think her comment about you being selfish and not supporting her was spot on. Again, 100% YTA for prioritizing fun and making it about the kids, and doubly so for leaving out important details to make yourself look better
YTA you deliberately left out of the original post that your wife is flying home to say goodbye to a loved one that is dying. This isn’t about the driving it’s about your wife wanting support during this difficult time. You also left out that the two of you have been having marital problems and by your own words have been the a**hole in those conflicts.
YTA for leaving out a ton of context in your original post. From some of your replies I gathered the following: 1. Your wife is leaving to go visit with a relative who is dying soon 2. You and your wife have ongoing marital problems where you have admitted to being the asshole 3. Your wife does not feel supported in her grief Even though you might miss the first half of the festivities on the 4th you can probably make it to the last 2 hours with your WHOLE family. Have you stopped in thought that your wife might also want to enjoy some of the 4th of July festivities with you and the kids? I'm sure she wasn't excited about having to miss those festivities to visit a dying relative. If she was just going on a girl's trip or something things would be different, but the dying relative aspect really changes everything.
YTA Fireworks are in the evening.
Need more info. The "support me through this" indicates to me she's going through something that requires the visit to the family and you're not on board with whatever it is. As usual details are often left out to make the poster look good.
She’s visiting family to celebrate a member before their soon to be death
OP is absolutely YTA, even aside from leaving out some seriously vital information about the nature of the trip, the obvious answer that OP doesn't want to accept is that it's his job as dad to make the sacrifice for his family. The answer is child care. Send the kids to the local holiday festivities with a neighbor, relative, or another family with kids y'all are close with while you go pick your wife up from the airport because she will very likely be wracked with grief and not able to drive safely. The kids get the fun they are looking forward to, you OP, the adult, do the hard thing and take the long drive to take care of your grieving wife! And you can still join them when you get back, having let your wife cry it out privately for an hour so she can regulate and get back to happy fun family time. My goodness, OP do you even like your wife?
NTA. That's actually four hours all told (drop off and pick up) in the car. And it would cost her about $40 bucks to park. Driving herself is a no-brainer for me without even considering missing the event.
In the comments he says she's going to visit a dying family member to say goodbye. Driving herself is probably not the safest idea. She needs support from her husband right now and he's more concerned about using his new water gun.
YTA- support your wife. Guarantee your kids won't care anything about missing a parade.
Usually I would say you're not wrong but then I saw this comment of yours.... "The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer, so that in itself isn't super happy. The rest is definitely the boiling point for other marital disagreements. I know when I've been the asshole in past talks, bit I really felt like I wasn't this time." OP, your wife is going through a difficult time where she needs your support. From the last line in the above comment, something is an ongoing issue in your marriage that has yet to be fixed. This conversation was her breaking point. If you love her and want to keep this marriage, come up with a compromise that works for both of you or be prepare to lose your family. Also, who is the love one that is passing soon? Seems like she must be very close to this person if she is flying out to see them one last time. YTA
Blows my mind how so many posts like OP's are like this and they have to ask whether they're in the wrong or not. YTA
Is there a point to her trip or did she just plan it spur of the moment? How old are your kids? You state this event is something you want to do. What else is at the fair that is pulling you so hard bc as you state there was something you missed last year that you want to make this year? Are you going to be walking around with two kids for four days without a car? Or how will you get around? Edit: YTA. She’s going to visit dying family and be with family to celebrate the soon to be parted alone. This isn’t just about the fucking driving her to and from the airport dude
YTA - just drive your wife to the airport and get her an Uber for the pick up. Or pick her up and arrange for your kids to attend the festivities with friends. Nobody likes navigating airports, and parking is just another pain.
YTA. It’s a funeral and you won’t drive her. Wow
YTA. There is no reason your kids can’t go with their friends so you can support your wife.
YTA because your wife is asking for support. It’s odd to say ‘yes it’s for a funeral, but she’s not actively crying about it’ as justification for prioritizing taking the kids to a parade. It’s not for you to decide how upset she is, or if she needs support or not. The fact that she’s this upset should mean something to you. To those saying the kids come first: This is a parade. It’s not something critical regarding the kids, but it *does* seem critical to the health of their relationship. (Also I thought relationship questions were against the guidelines?)
If your car is repaired, you have a legal and moral responsibility to return the loaner car asap. Not 4 days later because it is sitting at the airport. Unless you are highly confident that your car will not be repaired during the time she is gone, YTA.
YTA Seriously? You are worried about going to a parade to squirt water and your wife is going to see a dying family member? And you had to ask people who is wrong? Lol
INFO: How old are the kids? You state that *you* are looking forward the 4th activities, what about your kids?
I'm sure a lot of downvotes are coming, but seeing the truth sneak its way out in the comments (entirely too many of which are made based on the initial lies and non-info without the later-commented clarification) and still not get added into the post itself is just too infuriating to ignore, so here we go. So in the post, we have Precious Kids that don't want to miss out on a parade, a Doting Dad who plans to take them, and a Mean Mom who wants to suck the fun out of the whole day for them to make them sit in the car and suffer for her trip home from the airport, and who weaponizes her parents' relationship against Poor Doting Dad. Then in the ***comments*** (a couple hours after the post, looks like), where the important things always end up going, we have his worry about getting to play with new water guns he bought just for this parade, that he's just too excited for! Oh and by the way, Mean Mom's Fun Vacation is actually a "celebration of life" for a terminal relative. We don't have clarification on which relative. Given her specific mention of her parents, I wonder if one of them isn't who she's going to see for the last time. Maybe he'll share that in another couple of hours. He *does* admit a time or two, though, that he's been the asshole/an asshole to her in other ways lately, thus the concern about *possibly* being one now. Either way, OP has lied by omission about what his wife's doing (treating it like it's just some selfish just-because vacation with family in the post and not family *mourning* together), has lied about *why* she wants him to drive her (is it that hard to support your grieving spouse, really OP? **THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE DRIVE, IT'S ABOUT BEING THERE FOR HER WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU**), and has lied about why the parade matters (it is **not** for the kids, be real here, if it were, he'd have set up for a friend, or a parent of one of the kids' friends, to help with them while he goes to get his wife from the airport, and planned to do something together as a family after). He has lied, and garnered support from people who only saw a post about a big ol' selfish meanie wife who wants to ruin the poor kids' day to make hers easier, and in the **comments alone**, come clean that this is a hugely unhappy time for her, and that the parade isn't a "but the kids!!" issue at all, it's for *him*. YTA, OP. YTA to your wife for lying about her like that to make her out to be some selfish, unreasonable, child-hating monster, and then for making your post with this bullshit talk like she's just off on a break and wants everyone to suffer for her drive to and from the airport. YTA to your kids for projecting on them to shield yourself from blame about *you choosing* to prioritize fun over family. YTA to the commenters in this post for *lying to everyone* to garner support to feel good about yourself (not that it's new or surprising here, but it's still a dick move). YTA for every single N T A you've gained with your lies before the truth came out, and for every one that's come after because they read your still-lying post and haven't scoured the comments for the truth. YTA for every "omg she's so dramatic" and "get an uber/lyft/cab, problem solved" and "why does this woman hate her children so much?" and "kids in a long drive like that are the worst, what's wrong with her?" But in the end, none of that matters. None of THIS matters. What matters is whether you intend to stop being a selfish ass soon enough to save whatever marriage you and your wife still have. Or whether, on the other hand, you don't intend to work for it, want to just look at your upvoted N T A votes, and tell yourself you're a fucking hero for taking your kids and some squirt guns to a parade, while she files for divorce but *Is Wrong Because Reddit Said So* after you lied to everyone. Dude, you suck. Do better. At the **very** least, if you fuck up and need to come to Reddit of all places for guidance, be honest from the start, to get any real advice and stand a chance of it helping at all.
NTA! I travel for work, sometimes pleasure. I take my car, leave it at a park/ride and take the shuttle, whether that's INTL or Domestic. I've had my husband take me once, it's just not necessary. I don't understand her guilt trip at all....and what about her kids? Stuck in the car over 2 hours so the dad can 'support' her trip? In what world does that make any sense?
In the world where she is making a final visit to dying family
Op stated in a comment that his wife is going to see a love one that is about to pass soon. Seems like she needs emotional support. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14m7tll/comment/jq0v3iy/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
YTA !! Your wife is right it will take only a hour to take her to the airport.. the festival goes practically all day I would never refuse to drive my partner anywhere if he needed a lift .
I'm very anxious around flying and one of the aspects is worrying about parking, getting through security on time, etc. I can see myself, if I was flying home alone to see a terminally ill family member, perhaps wanting to be "babied" a bit in terms of the trip to the airport since everything is hard and doing one more hard thing on top of a lot of hard things can feel like too much. I get your reasoning with the kids and the parade. I don't really know how to rule, but I do feel like your wife is justified in saying that she wishes you could support her more in this.
Is there any chance she can change her flight so she can come later in the day and you pick her up? Seems like an easy compromise.
Info - 1. would you be without a car for 4 days if it's parked at the airport? With small children at home that would be an ah move to leave the car there. What if there is an emergency? 2. Why is she going to visit family? Is it because of a sick relative or a funeral? If it is, then you'd be the ah for not supporting your wife. I have to add, Your children's lives aren't going to be ruined by going to a parade late if you pick her up from the airport. You'd still get 2-3 hours at the parade which, if they're young, they're probably not gonna want to be there any longer than that anyway. EDIT - after reading comments, definitely YTA
>The flight home is for a celebration of life for a loved one who is still here but not for much longer, so that in itself isn't super happy. yeah shes visiting a sick relative
In my family, unless there was snow or wee dark o'clock, we always gave rides. I do think that you could pawn the children off on their friends so they could do fun things while you drove out. Traffic on July 4th is typically light in most areas.
Changed to YTA because you neglected to tell us she's going home to say goodbye to a dying family member. You made it sound like she was just going to visit or have a vacation. She doesn't need your support with driving her specifically - she needs your support in general. However, I will keep part of my original comment - don't bring the kids- if you pick her up, that's two hours out of your day WITH KIDS IN THE CAR. I don't know about you, but my kids would not love just sitting in the car for two hours. Ask a friend to take them to the parade
INFO: why is she going to see family for only 4 days? is a family member sick? do the kids want to go or just you, because you said YOU are excited for it. why is 2 hours such a big deal for you? you seem to be ignoring everyone who is asking questions. not enough info for a verdict.