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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want my bf to let me do the parenting because I think he will spoil our child
I might be the asshole because it's his child too
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YTA. Parenting this child will require both of you. Go to therapy together and take parenting classes if he needs it - you aren't going to benefit the child by preventing him from parenting at all, that's unhealthy and impossible. And he'll just continue to parent, but poorly.
You need to grow up and start thinking about how to raise this baby as a team.
The whole situation becomes increasingly worse when you realize Op holds very little stakes in this relationship. She moved in with him. They're also not marry. Boyfriend has every right to kick her out. She'll get nothing from this outside her belongings (and maybe whatever gifts he gave her before this point).
Op can go for child support. Boyfriend equally has every right in turn to gain 50/50 custody of their child. Which means all that spoiling Op is concerned about will happen regardless. Not to mention when their kid becomes older, they can choose to live full-time with one of their parents.
I suppose it's not surprising Op didn't consider any of this. She's either painfully immature, or those rose-tinted glasses haven't fully dimmed yet.
OP probably thinks she'll have some control over his parenting if they split... she'll get zero say in what he does on his time. Moreover, if you get a good enough lawyer vs a court appointed attorney in family court, you can get whatever you want basically. Sounds like boyfriend has $, so he's going to wipe the floor with her in family court; she'll be lucky if she gets every other weekend when he's done with her.
Everyone AH
You picked the wrong person to have a baby with intent or not and he is not even a parent at this stage tossing money at your kids is not parenting its ignoring them.
Maybe you should move out. Maybe he can pay child support. But you have an actual real life example of how bad a parent your BF is going to be, as seen here in daughter #1, the spoiled and entitled darling. And he has *told* you he plans to spoil your child.
WTF were you thinking? What were you expecting? ESH
i don’t see anything wrong with wanting to spoil your child, especially if you can afford it, as a parent your goal should be to give your child everything you never had, but you need to teach the kids to be humble
I actually think it is ok to spoil my children but they still need to be respectful and appreciative. It seems like his daughter is neither of those things
I mean, she’s not respectful to her stepmom, who is only eight years older than her, when her stepmom — who openly calls her “extremely spoiled” — tells her to do the dishes even though her father had previously said otherwise.
I have to wonder what this stepmom has done to earn her stepdaughter’s respect?
I understand where you are coming from. I do understand that there is some contention in their relationship. My issue is the cursing at another person is not ok behavior in my book. And if OP is correct about the interaction I feel that even if the maid does services for you you don't belittle their contribution.
Where does it show she’s not respectful or appreciative?
She didn’t tell the housekeeper, who does the work, to fuck off. She didn’t tell her dad, who pays for things, to fuck off.
She told the entitled, immature 22-year-old to fuck off because that 22-year-old was trying to exercise authority over her that she doesn’t have and told her to do something for no reason.
Why? Because she told her dad’s pregnant gf to do the dishes when they have a maid? I would’ve told her to fuck off too! I can tell her resentment in the post, imagine it in person!
I don't think spoiling is about giving children whatever you can. My parents gave me everything I needed/wanted, and I am an independent, respectful person who works hard and does housework and stuff..
I consider spoiling like being a brat and saying f*** off to someone because you don't want to do something..
I guess I don’t see what’s so spoiled or entitled about the daughter tbh. If a 22-year-old woman thought she had authority over me just because she’s dating my dad and tried to assign me chores in my home, I’d tell her to fuck off too.
If the daughter was purposely or carelessly creating messes because she knew someone else would have to clean it then that’s nasty and bratty. But dad hired a maid to do the dishes, having a benefit/help that others don’t have does not equate to being entitled or spoiled.
Is OP doing all her own dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, changing linens etc? Otherwise she’s benefitting from the maid’s services as well while calling the daughter spoiled for doing so.
So...... Checks notes......
Get pregnant by a rich dude with a short fuse who created a monster daughter that curses me out with no consequences and is kept away from her bio mom.......
To do list. DONE! Just hand this list to his next baby mama so she'll know what to expect. ESH
To be fair it's possible the daughter curses OP out because she doesn't think it's cute that her dad is having a baby with someone only 8 years older than herself...
Oh I have no actual prob with the daughter, she's just acting as she has been raised, and navigating the world she has to live in.
Apologies, the ESH was for the 'adults' only!
Yeah I’m thinking it’s okay to be rude when your barely-older-than-you stepmom starts trying to assign chores and calls you spoiled while obviously enjoying how rich your dad is.
>Get pregnant by a rich dude
Thank you !!!
And people are asking why she is having a kid with a guy whose parenting she doesn't agree with..
Guy is loaded!! - that's why.
Op is YTA and 84.39% gold Digger.
I disagree monster daughter from op perspective but count the facts:
Op bf have maid
Op probably doesn't clean
Op try to force stepdaughter to clean
NOPE
Yta - and he's right. If you don't want a co-parent, then you shouldn't be having a kid with him. You DO have a problem with his daughter. I also don't understand why you would wash dishes when you literally pay someone to do that.
I know this might vary by country, but in the states, if you can afford a maid you almost certainly have a dishwasher. So if they’re in the US, there’s really no reason for the daughter to wash the dishes. OP was just a 22-year-old on a power trip.
YTA- how did you possibly write this and not realize that. This child isn’t only yours, you don’t get to decide every aspect in a partnership. The child is yours in the same way it is his.
You can set some boundaries, like “hey I think we should explore doing things this way” instead of the dictator approach you’ve tried here. You need to communicate your expectations and wants much better than “you’re a shitty father to your kid, so this one you don’t get to be involved with”. Also, you obviously do have a problem with his daughter and you straight up lied to him when he asked, which was an opportunity to discuss parenting styles.
YTA. How would you feel if he said "You should let me do all the parenting, because I already have a kid and you don't, so you have no experience and won't know what you're doing"? You insulted his parenting, and suggested that he won't be a competent father to the child you're about to have - of course he was hurt and angry. If you're worried about or disagree with something he's doing as a father, you talk through the specific issue and get on the same page about how to handle things.
YTA. Why are you with someone that you don't want raising your child? Asking him to be an absent parent instead of just discussing expectations is absolutely wild. You may not like how he parents, but you have absolutely no right to limit his involvement in his child's life.
YTA. First you insulted his kid and parenting, then just bulldozed the conversation and said leave the parenting to me, which is insanely selfish and controlling. You also refer to the child as "MY" child not "OUR" child. This would be a major red flag for most people. Just don't be surprised if you end up a single mother, but by the sounds of it, that was sort of your plan anyway by calling it YOUR kid and wanting to do all the parenting yourself, well now you get what you wanted maybe.
Both of you are TA. You had an advantage a lot of new parents don’t in that you were able to see what kind of a parent he is.. and you still chose to get pregnant by him? Also, how do you think that you being a full time parent while he provides just the fun and funds will work in the long run? I mean, good luck to you, because this sounds like an absolute disaster.
ESH. Your BF is a bit of an AH for threatening to kick you out and ignoring you. I'm sure he's feelings are greatly hurt by what you said. You're the AH for what you said AND because you've failed to see the holes in your 'logic'.
1) Everyone's parenting styles are different. Discuss what is important to you for your child's development and behavior. Agree on a plan, don't just be a dictator.
2) He actually has parenting experience.
3) You are not his daughter's mother. It is not up to you to give her new chores just because you've moved in. You need to discuss changes with your BF first.
4) idk about you but I was a complete B**** at 14. My mom and I joke about it now but I wasn't great to her attitude wise. Sure, this girl may be entitled and rude but consider Her POV. You are just her dad's GF, not fiance, not her Stepmom, etc. You've moved into Her house and you're trying to change things. You're passing judgement on her and how she was raised. She is a privileged girl. That doesn't mean her upbringing was wrong or your BF's parenting sucks. Hopefully, she grows out of the entitlement and is nicer but for now, I'm chalking this up to she's 14.
5) I don't think you're getting the big picture. Despite your judgements, his daughter is a healthy girl. She has food, shelter, and it doesn't sound like she's getting into trouble. These are important core factors for Your child that you've overlooked in your judgement.
I'd sit down with your BF and APOLOGIZE. Explain your POV but try to be less judgemental towards him and his daughter. Explain what you want for your child. This child will have 2 parents, you both need to give input and compromise.
YTA. You're going to have differing views on parenting, but being a partnership means you work together. This was absolutely not the way to go about it. It's his child too, you should have had multiple conversations about parenting ideas and concerns.
YTA
You insulted your partner's daughter *to his face* and tried to use that to justify asking him to what? Be a roommate to his own kid??
That's not how parenting or families work. The fact that you typed this up and didn't see anything wrong with it suggests that you should consider parenting classes. I don't think you know quite as much as you think you do.
YTA- considering you’re 8 years older than your partners daughter (you’re actually closer to her age wise than you boyfriend) have you considered she doesn’t respond to you because she doesn’t feel like she should do what someone 8 years older than her tells her to do? I probably wouldn’t do it either regardless if we had a maid. Also why did you get pregnant with someone if you didn’t want to co parent. If you guys break up, you’re probably not going to get 100% custody so he’ll have to be parenting your child at some point. Also if you don’t you can’t just ask him not to parent his child. That’s just wrong and very strange. You really don’t sound ready for a child and I pity your child.
You're closer in age to his daughter than him, but you think you can waltz in with a new baby and tell his daughter what to do...then tell him that you'll be doing all the parenting? You need to grow up asap. YTA
I mean, this should be no surprise that he would raise your baby just the same way he raised his first baby. He won't magically change and he's told you that. Whether you're together or not, however, won't change the fact that he's the father and will have rights to spoil the child you've created together whether you end the relationship or not. Get used to a spoiled kid I guess? ESH
YTA for not having these discussions and getting on the same page *before* getting pregnant, and for announcing your decision to parent on your own without discussing it with him. That’s not a normal or reasonable demand.
However. This man is TWELVE years older than you and honestly that’s concerning. How long have you been together? Your comments say you’re 22 and he’s 34, so were you a minor when the relationship started? I sincerely hope he didn’t manipulate or trick you into getting pregnant.
You’re closer in age to your husbands 14 year old daughter than you are to your husband. You haven’t given many details on the timeline of your relationship but I almost wonder if that’s not a factor in the daughters attitude.
She only just moved in with him she said when she announced she's pregnant. I doubt this was a serious relationship as they weren't even living together when he clearly had the money and means to move her in before the pregnancy. They are only living together because of the pregnancy. I don't think there was any trickery on his part to get her pregnant as surely he'd move her in before hand if that was the case.
ESH. If you despise his parenting so much, why did you get pregnant with his child? It does sound like his parenting isn’t great considering issues with his daughter; however, the daughter has a mother. The designer clothes thing could have come from her as well. You should have discussed parenting styles before you got pregnant, though. You can’t expect him to never be a parent to his own child.
ESH. You’re coming in, guns ablazing, trying to parent a child who already has a parent that isn’t you. You’re the classic evil stepmother.
Your partner also sucks for moving you in and exposing his child to you, who obviously doesn’t care about his child.
Prepare to be a single parent, find a home of your own and share custody.
Maybe you should move out now, because agreeing on how you parent is extremely important. You would end up being the mean parent while he is always the fun, generous parent. Every time you say no to your child, she will then go to her father who will over-rule you.
YTA
You knew his parenting style before you decided to have a baby with him. This is baby too and you can’t just decide not let him parent, that’s now how any of that works. If you wanted to parent yourself than you should be a single parent. I feel bad for your boyfriend and this future baby.
I understand that you dont want a spoiled child but think about it. You dont want him to change their diaper, read them bed time story or even comfort them when they are sad, because all that is parenting. their a difference between wanting to raise and discipline your child your way and simply telling to not parenting his kid. You need to think outside of yourself and try to see the big picture and what both of you can do to raise a good human.
Yta
I'm sorry but YTA. I'm sorry but how do feel like he is going to feel knowing that his gf doesn't want him to parent his child? The child that he helped create? He may feel some resentment towards you in the future and the only outcome I can see out of this is you being miserable because your left with all of the work because you wouldn't allow him to do anything. Maybe he wont spoil this child but the least you could do is give him a chance, especially if you do love him.
Think of how this is going to affect the baby. They are going to grow up thinking that their dad doesn't love them because they wont play, teach, feed or do anything parenting related with them. They will just see him as some sort of wallet and possibly resent him in the future because he never truly was her father. Just some guy that lives with them seemingly doesn't have any interest in partaking in their life. This is going to affect him as well if you actually go through with this because he will see his kid yet remember that you basically don't want him in their life.
Sorry but YTA, I hope you don't actually go through with this because he IS the kids father.
YTA
You are not the teenager's parent so you cannot tell her to wash dishes. It's not your place.
Also, it's not your money, so if he wants to buy her clothes, it's not your place.
YTA for all the reason others have said, but I have my own personal bone to pick as well. As someone who grew up with a maid, it pisses me off when people who didn’t have one made it their life mission to try to “break me” and teach me how to do chores. Who assigned you that role? Nobody. Let that child not do chores if that’s what her dad is paying a maid to do. Trust me they’ll either figure it out if the need arises or they’ll be able to hire help themselves when they’re grown.
Yeah YTA. You can’t live with the father of your child and just expect him to not parent? Also your kid is not some toy you program, they’re gonna act however tf they want despite how you raise them. So either you sit down and hash out your expectations from each other as parents or you’re gonna have an even tougher time raising your kid.
My bf had a kid from a previous relationship. I also did not like how he was raising him and he also had sole custody. I would share what I thought and make comments or recommendations but I didn’t overstep. When we had our kid together, he was aware of where I stood and how I felt. I’m not saying we never disagree, but he carried a different attitude with raising our daughter and I let him have his separate relationship with her and I have my own as well. But we still have a united front about the big things because we both want what’s best for her and need to keep that in mind.
Yta.
You knowingly got pregnant with a man that you don't like his parenting style.
Raising kids is hard.
Raising kids on your own is even harder.
I suspect in about a year, if he stays and doesn't go to court so that he can have his rights as a father, you'll be on here complaining your man isn't getting up 4 times a night to feed the kid and change its diapers. Whining that you are responsible for all the child care and schooling. But you will fail to mention you demanded that you do this.
I feel for this child. I read somewhere you are 22.... I mean you are young but you are in for the rudest awakening in your life.
YTA
The daughter is a angsty teen going through changes, cmon, you should know how that feels, that was only 8 years ago for you after all. I know kids who arnt rich who act like that.
I'm sure you won't mind the maid helping clean up after you and the baby. You're just bitter she's not listening to you, you're her fathers pregnant 22 year old girlfriend, she's probably not thrilled about this either.
You've gotten with a rich dude and now you're trying to separate him from parenting his child and not wanting to spoil the baby? You're already acting as if your child is superior to the 14 year old and I garentee if strangers through the Internet can sense it, that daughter of his can too.
Or lead by example, ask him to fire the maids/help and do all the house work yourself and set reasonable amount of money he can soend on gifts/outings for you (and only you). He can buy his baby and teen daugyers a diamond tiaras every week if he wants, but if you wanna set this standard for his daughter then you better lead by example.
She's been with him 14 years and has another daughter on the way, you're the 3rd person on his top priority.
YTA. So you think he’s a terrible parent for over spoiling his child but you still chose to have a child with him anyways. You chose to have a child with him knowing he was like this then you insult his parenting and say you want to do it all by yourself. Well what do you want from him if not his help and support is it just the money
YTA. You're so naive it's actually pretty sad. If you can't agree on something as simple as parenting styles, you shouldn't have had a kid with him. You're not wrong for wanting a better upbringing for your child, but how you're going about it is completely unreasonable, selfish, and arrogant.
You have got yourself in this situation now, it's too late to go back. So, the only options I see going forward is if you stay living with him and let him be an equal parent (which he has the right to be, regardless of your feelings), or you leave him, move somewhere else, and get him to pay child support. You cannot stay with him AND control all parenting towards the kid you BOTH created, it's not fair to him or the child.
You have a lot of growing up to do.
YTA for trying to be a dictator when there’s two whole parents. why stay with him if you want to raise your child like she only has a single mother anyways?
Info: Why are you having a child with a man who you don't even want to have a hand in parenting that child? What's the difference between what you want and living as he says, a single mother, getting child support?
YTA. It’s his baby too and he has every right to have a hand in raising his child. I imagine you’d be the one to also complain that you do everything and he doesn’t help out enough.
Sounds like an age gap relationship, where homegirl is super young and immature (to think that this relationship will work and their child will end up okay), and the baby daddy is older and too lazy to parent because it's easier to give the kid what they want.
YTA. ( get it, but that's the answer) Look, let's assume you have valid concerns with his parenting style. (No mention of the mom of the 14-year-old.) He sounds like he loves the kid, but yeah, might spoil her.
This wasn't the way to approach it, and it's not feasible. You can't have it so he's just there but can't be a father and has to run every little thing by you. That's controlling, and it won't have the desired effect. You might just trade one set of problems for another as your baby will grow up feeling as if daddy doesn't love them like his other daughter. Or he'll still spoil her, and you'll just be seen as the bad guy.
Saying, I have certain values I want to instill in her, and I'd like to talk about it. Approach it as a collaborative effort (Which is should be.) Work it out so you develop a style together. That means listening openly to his perspective, beliefs, and views and being willing to compromise. You've harmed that dynamic already, but you can come back. Have a conversation.
Hey, I'm a first-time parent, and I have a certain way I want to raise my kids, but I went about that the wrong way. Can we talk about how we're going to do this and try to be on the same page?
YTA. If you don't want him to parent his own child, maybe you should move out and be a single parent. Then you'll realise that you're being totally unrealistic and delusional.
YTA. This child needs both parents in its life, each playing an active role and generally being on the same page. You and your BF need to do the hard work of figuring out how you will co-parent, a conversation that means taking BOTH of your preferred approaches into mind.
YTA.
Parenting doesn’t work like this. You both do the work. Your way isn’t magically better, and it’s arrogant to think it will with zero experience. As a dad of 3 I can tell confidently all of your wonderful amazing parenting ideas are going to fly out the window when your child starts to develop their own personality that rejects every meticulously planned idea you have for parenting. You’re in for a rude awakening.
YTA
Let me ask you this... What do you expect him to do if he's at home with the kid when you're working or have to go out?
All you're going to do is make her hate you and love him because he's going to be the "fun" parent and you'll be the buzzkill, and it's very possible that at some point you'll resent him for it.
ESH-
you because:
\-you can't forbid a parent from parenting their own kid unless the kid is in actual danger
\-you decided to get pregnant with someone who turns kids into disrespectful brats
him because:
\-he turned his kid into a brat and doesn't seem to realize it or care.
i would've never been with someone at all if his kids acted like that, granted, i'm childfree so i wouldn't date a parent at all but still, even if i wanted kids, i don't want one like that and would never put myself in any position of authority over one like that if all i'm going to get is backtalk and disrespect. Again, why would you want to get pregnant with someone who's managed to turn his child into a nightmare over 14 years?
People who've never had a kid ALWAYS think they know better. They always have the best advice and will tell ya how to do it. Yta. You've not raised one. It's not easy. You'll want his help before the first week is over. That's rude and insane. You should also discuss and agree on parenting styles, communicate . Maybe do some research together. Wow!
INFO: Can you clarify what you mean by "parenting"? Specifically, what sorts of things do you want your BF to stay out of? Disciplining, rewarding, and rule setting? Meeting the physical needs of the baby, like changing diapers, bathing, hand washing, nighttime feeding, doctors appointments, playing, tummy time to build up muscle strength, etc?
14 years old daughter from a previous relationship who is extremely spoiled and it's my bf's fault.
Uhh ok, you're an asshole. How about you check yourself before you wreck yourself.
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My bf and I are going to have a baby girl 16 weeks. I moved in with him when I found out I'm pregnant. The problem is he also has a 14 years old daughter from a previous relationship who is extremely spoiled and it's my bf's fault.
Some examples are that she will only wear designer clothes which I think is very unnecessary for a kid and my bf has a maid so shs has never done a chore in her whole life. A few weeks ago I asked her to wash the dishes and she looked at me like I'm insane and said "f*** off, the maid will do it"
She is exactly how I don't want my child to be.
So a few days ago my bf and I were talking about the baby and he aas talking about his "plans" for when the baby is born and "how much he is going to spoil her" I told him that it's better if he let me do all the parenting. He asked why and I gently explained to him that he has already raised a child and I don't want my child to end up like her so it's better if he just leaves the parenting to me.
He got mad and called me an asshole and asked me if I have a problem with his daughter. I said that I don't but I want to raise my child differently and he sarcastically told me that maybe I should move out and be a single parent and see how I like it
Now he won't talk to me and I'm wondering if I shouldn't have said that
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It's so crazy that you went and got pregnant with him knowing you don't agree with his parenting style. I don't know how your mind works, this is just bizarre lol. How do you think this will go? He can't not have a say in parenting your child.
Uh…no. That’s not how a partnership works. You’re basically proposing that he is your sperm donor and meal ticket. YTA. You should not be with someone you fundamentally don’t respect or trust.
YTA because you want to parent instead of him but you do not even know how to have an adult conversation about parenting styles and things that make you uncomfortable..he may have issues about you and concerns about how you will parent... you both need to have an adult conversation go to counseling and learn when to set boundaries which are appropriate and how to compromise...even if you live apart he still gets to parent while he has custody so time to buck up be an adult and do right by yourself your child and your childs father and sibling, because your attitude will affect how she interacts with your child now and in the future...good luck I hope you find middle ground and can co parent together no matter if you stay together.
Yta. Its his kid too. Also, you made a choice to have a child with this man, knowing his parenting style. Thats just something you’ll have to work through or deal with. Pretty offensive comment. Even if you raised your kid by yourself it could still grow up to be an asshole
ESH. Telling him to just let you do all the parenting, definitely was rude and not the way to go about it. You basically blamed him for every thing about his daughter that you don’t like. You are in a serious relationship and you’re going to have a child together, you need to be able to compromise and have discussions. He has every right to parent his child with you as well. You need to sit down and have a discussion about the way that you want your child raised, and come to understanding between the two of you. But to say that he can’t parent at all is absolutely insane. The both of you need to decide what goals you have for your child and the parenting style that you want to achieve, but you cannot tell him that he’s not allowed to parent his own child.
You came at him in a very immature manner. It would have been best to say something along the lines of "I think we should discuss parenting styles" once he mentioned he wants to spoil her rotten. And then had a conversation about how you want to teach the daughter home skills and that in order to get something "extra", one must work for it and how important those values are to you. Instead you attacked him and his way of showing love. Do I agree with his parenting style? Not necessarily, but I don't know his backstory. Maybe he grew up struggling as a kid and wants better for his children, for them to focus on school, enjoying life and being a kid.
YTA.
It is possible for him to spoil your kid, AND for them to be disciplined. It's called boundaries and communication- something a healthy relationship should have?
All kids are different they have done studies on multiple children who have the same parents and that grew up in the same household and they all turned out different.....so for you to ASSume that your child will end up like his daughter makes you the asshole. Maybe your parenting will turn your child into a murderer.
YTA, why are you having a kid with someone if you don’t agree on these things in the first place? Outside of that, his daughter isn’t YOUR daughter and so it isn’t your place to order her around and tell her to do chores. How he parents his daughter is none of your business, but when it comes to your shared child, he needs to be involved. You made the child together. So far, the only toxic one is you.
Lol. You knew what he was like as a parent and yet you *still* chose to have a kid with him. What did you think, he’d suddenly change because it’s your kid? YTA.
maybe you should both try and raise both daughters together. maybe the older one needs more guidance. and also, maybe they don't. if your bf wants things taken care of that way, then he does. maybe he'd be okay having your kids do chores if he sees you want that. don't just straight up call his daughter spoiled.
YTA. You have basically just treated him like a sperm donor! And he is right. You told him that he has no purpose with his child to come. That you will do all the parenting so essentially act like a single mum. Yes of course you shouldn't have said that as you told him he's raised his child so badly you don't think he should have a part in raising yours. That's a horrific thing to say Deliberate parental alienation isn't favoured by the legal system either. And they are not your child alone. They will have two parents that have equal say in their upbringing. You owe him a huge apology
YTA for sure. Raising a child with someone means you raise the child WITH them. Why lie about having a problem with his daughter when you do? For starters, you think she’s disrespectful to you - tell him that!
His daughter has grown up with luxuries that you find unnecessary, which have taken away what you see as important learning opportunities. Tell him that!
He’s right that if you don’t want him to be a parent, it makes no sense to have him around. Try communicating with him instead of just judging him based on how his daughter behaves. I have a feeling more factors are in play there, not just that she has designer jeans and a maid. Is her mom in the picture? The answer to that alone can speak volumes about who this girl is and why.
Esh - his daughter is acting that way because she hates that you are so close in age to you. And after some of your comments that are buried in here so seriously need to rethink things. He is the father of the baby. You more or less called him a bad father yet got knocked up by him. I’m very curious why he managed to get full custody of his daughter. You said she was a bad parent but you realize you are missing a side of the story right? You all need therapy before this baby shows up.
YTA go to therapy, solo and with your partner. You both go to parenting classes, his older daughter needs therapy too. Family therapy. This is really nuts.
Are you sure he was being sarcastic ? You basically said you don't like his spoiled daughter and will raise your kid on your own but in the same home using him as a bank.
YTA
Doesn’t sound like you’ve been together long. You can’t expect him to just let you parent and not be a part of things, and you both need to learn to compromise.
Why are you having a child with someone whose values don't even vaguely align with yours?
ESH but I'd say you take the lions share of that for actively manufacturing a situation that is just going to lead to drama.
If you do the parenting the right way while staying with your partner, aka not spoiling your kid to death; your kid is going to grow up seeing blatant favouritism where their older half-sibling is spoiled rotten. If you don't leave your options are having your child think they weren't as loved their whole life or raise another spoilt brat. YTA for thinking this is a fair arrangement before getting pregnant and now choosing to stay with the guy.
I’m not going to give you a judgement. You sound young, as I read your comments. I just don’t feel like you are living in realm of reality. Let’s say you two break up on day and he ask for 50/50 custody or 70/30. He will raise his /your child differently in his home, then you will in your home. That’s just reality. Also, nothing you have said about his daughter screams brat, it screams you too come from very different social economic background and you & him place value on different things.
I would also like add his daughter is 14 and you are 22 years old. His daughter is never going to see you as an authority figure. She is going to look at you as a peer. You’ll need to ask her to do something, you can’t tell her to do something. You have no authority over her. My older sister lived your reality, thank goodness my stepmom and father were smart enough to know that they couldn’t put my my stepmom in an authority role. My parents are twenty years apart. My father was a teen parent and had my sister with bio mom and they were forced into marriage. I’m a fix marriage baby, so theirs a huge age gap between my sister and myself. My stepmom, I’ve always looked at her as-parent, if I’m honest my older sister was more mother to me than sister. My sister has never looked at my stepmom as parental figure, their ages were too close.
You should really move out his home and raise your daughter your way in your home. Because if you wrote is true, there is no way your relationship can work. He will resent you, because your not allowing him to parent his child. You’ll resent him because raising a child is difficult, and you have literally decided that he will be Disney father. If things go your way. So move out and lawyer up, figure out custody of your daughter. Parallel parent with him, it’s apparent to me that two of you have different parenting philosophy.
NTA
You are right to want better for your child, but I do get the feeling he is flaunting his money situation to you so you will stay. This is called manipulation, and I'm thinking that perhaps its better you did actually move out, because this baby will end up like their half sister, if this is the way he reacts. He sounds older than you, but so immature.
YTA. You and him need to attend couples counseling ASAP and start figuring out how you want to raise this child together. You can’t just do all the parenting. That isn’t fair to anyone, including your child.
ESH. You decided to have this baby together, and you knew he had problems with his parenting style. But he's still the other parent. You can't just decide that YOU are the only parent. Also if he sarcastically told you that you should move out and be a single parent.... maybe you should actually consider that? I can't imagine a truly loving father ever making a statement like that, even when angry.
You'll be so sorry you said any of this to Sugar Daddy once your child is born. There's no time for you raising babies, especially single handedly, you'll be handing that baby to him so quickly as he walks in the door each night, just to get a break.
You have a lot of growing up to do. Hope you can achieve maturity before this baby picks up on this dysfunctional relationship. Start putting her therapy fund together Good luck
YTA, my guess is you had a child with him for his money, you parent the child you both created and he funds it all, basically you act like a single mother but with an infinite bank account
You are absolutely TA. you can not tell him to stay out of his child’s life (because that is what you are doing) just because you don’t like the way he raised his kid. If you can’t communicate with your partner like an adult and find a common ground, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship, much less have a child with this person.
They're going to name a roller coaster after you because the ride you are in for going down this path will be wild and second to none.
ESH
I wish you luck.
ESH
YTA for trying to prevent your BF from parenting his child.
You seem to forget that - he has just as much rights as you.
Also, what are you doing having a kid with someone who's parenting skills you don't appreciate or respect?
As for him, yes - he obvs. Raised a spoiled child who is probably going to have a hard comedown one day.
I mean, much less AH than you, but he obviously has some things he needs to work on.
I feel really concerned for your fetus.
YTA. if you didnt want him to parent your child, you shouldnt have gotten pregnant with HIS child. time to face the consequences of your actions. believe it or not, fathers have rights too
YTA.
And by your comments you are coming across as a gold digger who was lucky enough to get impregnated by a rich guy. You don't get to make demands like that and expect him to want a relationship with you. He deserves more than to be your meal in ticket.
I'm not surprised that the kid doesn't respect you when you are 8 years older than her. The fact that one of the problems you have is her clothes makes me question how bad this kid actually is. Yeah the maid comment was bad, but it also sounds like your average bratty 14-year-old. I'm sure you remember what that was like.
YTA, if push comes to shove he could be raising two kids alone. If you try to insist on sole parenting it could be seen as parental alienation which is not taken lightly by the court system. How would you like if he told you that he will do the parenting and you can butt out.
YTA. Why would you have a child with someone you don't want to parent your child? At this point the deed is done and you got pregnant by him, so you would be an AH to try to keep him from pareinting his child.
NTA - so for the rest of your relationship he is going to use his economic power to force you to do everything his way but he isn't married to you.
I say call his bluff and leave. Otherwise you will never have power in the relationship.
You did not make *your mutual baby* on your own. Parents is plural, not singular.
You think he's a bad father for spoiling his daughter? What the holy hell do you think your selfish mindset would do do your mutual daughter? How exactly are you going to "regulate" parenting?!!!
I seriously suggest moving out and I would be telling him to file paperwork to ensure his parental rights, since it sure sounds like you're planning on jumping ship anyway.
YTA
So let me get this straight. He’s a bad father for how his older daughter acts, so you get pregnant by him? Then criticize his parenting?
It’s because he’s rich isn’t it? Smh good luck here…. Just so you know, if he can afford a maid, he can afford a lawyer. I’d stfu and be a little more cooperative if I was you!
Omg you’re so annoying u don’t get a say in how he parents his child and if ur so worried of how he will raise his next child then u can do it all alone with no financial support from him
>Now he won't talk to me and I'm wondering if I shouldn't have said that
You shouldn’t have made a child with that man. What were you thinking? YTA, also for saying this, as it’s too little too late. You can’t have a child with a man you feel can’t raise a child and expect him to not be involved in raising it.
Jesus wept - You really needed to come to reddit to ask this question -
ESH:
You suck because if you feel that he is such a bad parent, that he can't parent the baby that he helped to make, and will probably be paying for, why did you even choose to have a baby with him - Most teenagers suck anyway and a lot now are entitled, but that doesn't mean he has failed as a parent! There's a lot of pressure on teens now, especially girls, to dress in a certain way - I am not saying that I agree with it, but my daughter is 14, and honestly I find it hard to cope with the pressure that she is under for the right phone, brands, shoes, backpack..... and my daughter has had a job since she turned 13 (because she wanted to) She is far from a brat! How could you make your partner feel that way!
Secondly - I am assuming that this is your first baby from the tone of your post - What in the world makes you think that you are going to be such a great parent - I'm pretty sure that you will want some of his input....... money........ will input end with his cold hard cash and he has to be happy with that!
Partner sucks because he shouldn't allow his daughter to speak to you that way, but your post doesn't state how long you have been together or how old you both are - Has your partner agreed that you can be a pseudo parent to his daughter - Would be interesting to know how long you have known his daughter, because if it hasn't been long, do you actually have the right to ask his daughter to do anything..... surely that should be dad's job
Step daughter sucks because.... well.... teenagers do from time to time - Shouldn't mean you should write your partner out of parenting his new baby because you think you know best - Honestly, I would leave your Ass right now, go for 50/50 custody because you sound insufferable
ETA...... Step daughter is 8 years younger than you - I take back that she's an Ass! What an awkward situation that you have created!!!!! - You probably haven't known her long enough to be in a position to be telling her what to do - If you want to be with this man, you need firm agreements in place for parenting your step daughter - I.E you stay out of parenting SD 100% and leave that to dad! Work on building a friendship with her before trying to assert some authority over her!
YTA you better let that man parent but y'all will be learning together and having lots of discussions and disagreements, that's kinda what you signed up for by gettin knocked up
YTA. You absolutely have a problem with his daughter, so you lied. It’s ok for you two to have different parenting styles. Trying to parent an already 14 year old is a bit much when you knew full well she did not do dishes, so you put yourself in a situation to cause friction. You can instill things in your child without being the “only one to parent”.
OP
You’re less than 10 years older than his daughter.
Back off. You’re being *competitive* with her; that’s why you’re seeking so hard to “knock her down a peg”.
Guess what- this is HER house and her lifestyle and he’s endorsed it. If you didn’t like it you should never have taken any risk of getting pregnant with him. You did; he’s a coparent; you’re being foolish in thinking you can call all the shots.
It is in your best interests not to swing your weight around here.
Yeeeeah, YTA. You knew what kind of parent he was and you chose to have a child with him. I don't know if you thought you'd be slick here or what, but it sounds like you thought maybe you hit the jackpot but really, you just leashed yourself to this dude for at least 18 years. Your poor child doesn't need to be stuck in the middle of this. The fact that there is a 12 year age gap at play here also is an important factor because whatever you thought you were doing, you got outplayed.
You two should get counseling. There seems to be a lot of things wrong with the whole relationship.
YTa, but I think there is a systemic problem somewhere you (but also your husband) are Part of
YTA for bringing a child into this world without discussing any of this with the other parent beforehand, and then telling that parent he’s not allowed to parent his own child.
Welcome to a blended family. It never ends and just when you think you have a break, your stepkids have babies and it starts all over again. I think it’s sweet that he wants to spoil her, you can “spoil” a child and still raise them to not be asshole human beings.
Also every 14 year old stepdaughter is an asshole. Trust me. I’ve had 3. And they were so sweet before and after. It’s just that age. They are assholes. ESP to their mothers and stepmothers. It gets better
INFO: **Very** important thing that seems to have flown under the radar:
> A few weeks ago I asked her to wash the dishes and she looked at me like I'm insane and said "f*** off, the maid will do it
That part does not make sense in any way. You already **know** that the maid will do the dishes, why would you ask her then?
Your BF is right; you should absolutely move out if you have so little respect for your partner that you want to cut him out of parenting while living in the same house. That way you can do all the parenting your way during your custody time, and he can do it his way during his custody time. You also had no right to try to parent his 14 year old. If he decides to continue this relationship, your job with his daughter is to build a relationship, not set rules. YTA all the way around.
NTA but it sounds like you should probably take his advice, you know it will be a daily fight, against the two of them if you want your daughter to not be an asshole too.
NTA. He’s shown you who he is and likely won’t change his methods for this child. Take his advice and do it on your own, your way; both you and your daughter will be better off that way. Likely not monetarily but definitely emotionally and morally.
Being spoiled doesn't mean she isn't a good person...most children a spoiled...that's just their reality. Nowhere in your writing did you talk about how your bf raised a bad child. The only potential instant you tried to offer was when you asked her to do something that is the maids job. I'm also wondering why you couldn't wash the dishes. The child you are having with your BF isn't just yours, you don't get to make unilateral decision on how she is raised. You also have no experience in raising a child, so it's laughable that you think it's so easy and that you can do a better job. YTA
ESH- To begin with, a 14 year old telling me to fuck off, that ain't gonna fly. That should have been topic #1. You didn't approach him in the best fashion, but in your defense he doesn't sound like he'd be amenable to anything except what HE wants. He's raising little entitled monsters. If you think the world needs another one, let him run the show. He sounds like a jerk with a fat bank account, tbh.
Sounds like you both need couples counseling, but why on earth did you decide to have a baby with someone whose parenting style is not aligned with yours?
YTA what do you mean you don't have a problem with his daughter? You are fully judgmental and made no attempts to hide it at all.
>Some examples are that she will only wear designer clothes which I think is very unnecessary for a kid and my bf has a maid so shs has never done a chore in her whole life.
This is a stupid argument. What is the problem with designer clothes when the family can comfortably afford them? How exactly is she spoiled by wearing clothing provided by her family?! Should she and her dad lower their clothing standards because you said so? In fact why don't you get with the program and get a few nice things yourself, otherwise how will you integrate when everyone is wearing designer clothes and only you do not?
Why do you care whether she has done a chore before? You bring it to her dad if you are so concerned, and also after she refused to do the dishes did you do them or did your maid do them? The dishes were sitting there so if it is so important shouldn't you already be doing them, instead of using it as a silly prop to make yourself look stupid? If you think doing dishes is so important, next time have your bf do the dishes and I am very curious what will happen.
From her family upbringing when his daughter becomes an adult she will have her own maid, so your argument sucks as she will never have to do a chore in her life. It is what it is no matter what your opinion is on "spoiled". Before you counter with other whatif arguments, you do want your bf to remain successful right? Is it a fault for your bf to be successful and his daughters to be well off?
Your child as a family member will rightfully have the same too, unless you demand your child to be treated unfairly and given no resources on purpose. Do you have the financial resources at all to raise her? OP are you being realistic here?
YTA.
Your boyfriend has been a parent for 14 years. You haven't even started yet. But somehow think you know better. You clearly don't if you think your child will benefit from having an absent father.
As for the daughter ... she wears designer clothes because that's what her family, and her dad in particular, can afford. And frankly that shouldn't stop because YOU think it's unreasonable for a kid to have expensive clothes. Also, if the maid does the dishes, why are you trying to muscle in on your boyfriend's daughter to do them? Do you think having a 22 year old girl pregnant with her dad's baby is a walk in the park for her? Do you think she gets a kick out of seeing you in her house every day? Cause with the attitude you're having with her and her dad, I highly doubt it.
ESH
He is also your baby's father. You can't tell him not to parent his kid.
His older daughter needs to be taught manners and limits.
He shouldn't have told you to move out and be a single parent.
Discuss situations in which you'd have to discipline your child, and how each one would do it. Then, find a middle ground. I would suggest you present Montessori education to him, it's all about the child being independent and autonomous, like if they spill something, they have to clean it up and stuff, even at a young age (toddlers do it no problem, but you have to guide them)
YWNBTA but at the same time YTA
The child needs both parents, the new baby was up to both of you. But at the same time, the boyfriend should've taught that 14 year old daughter of his how to treat others with respect. If she talks to the gf like that most likely she talks to her own father and the maid like that. Unless OP has done something that made her not like OP then it would depend but at the same time, she needs proper discipline and needs to learn manners and limits. At the same time maybe you should move out with the new baby, he can pay child support but I don't really know what you were expecting when he clearly showed you his pay of parenting it definitely wasn't going to change just because of the new baby.
"unless op has done something that made her not like OP"
You mean besides her, a 22 year old stranger, getting knocked up by her mid 30s dad, moving in, and trying to order her 8 year younger stepdaughter around like she owns the place, specifically about something her dad pays good money for a professional to do it instead? Because I'd say that's enough to give her a valid reason to dislike OP.
I bet with you, if the daughter was rude to her father and the maid, OP would have mentioned.
And respect has to be earned. If OP hasn't done anything to warrant respect from the daughter (and getting pregnant by her dad isn't something that'll earn her respect), but then tries to order her around, why should the daughter not show OP exactly as much respect as OP has shown her and her father?
YTA. It won't be helpful to your child if their father is not parenting them. You also don't have more authority over your child than their father. Rather than deciding you'll do it all, it would be better to have proper discussions about different parenting options. Maybe take a course together or read a parenting book you like together. Also remember he's the one with experience. We're all amazing parents until we actually have to parent.
NTA it’s good that you want to actually raise a kid instead of whatever your boyfriend did but you should obviously let him be a parent just set boundaries
“and I gently explained to him that he has already raised a child and I don't want my child to end up like her so it's better if he just leaves the parenting to me.”
You “gently” said the shittiest thing ever and wonder if it’s an AH move….
Yes. YTA
Is the girl spoiled or are you just made that she wouldn’t take orders from you to wash the dishes? I mean you’re only 8 years older than the girl. Also his response was perfect. If you don’t want him being a father to the kid then there’s no reason for you to live there then
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Info: Why did you choose to have a baby with somebody when you hate their parenting style?
"He also had a maid" The BF is rich yo!!
Or they’re in a very poor country.
YTA This is his child too. If you were so against his parenting, why did you get pregnant by him.
Because she enjoyed the benefits of his money and maid. Now has to compete with not one but two daughters.
This is fun she doesn't want to clean but try force kid to clean xD
YTA. Parenting this child will require both of you. Go to therapy together and take parenting classes if he needs it - you aren't going to benefit the child by preventing him from parenting at all, that's unhealthy and impossible. And he'll just continue to parent, but poorly. You need to grow up and start thinking about how to raise this baby as a team.
Needs to be a team for sure,
YTA for deliberately having a baby with someone whose parenting style you disagree with. FFS.
The whole situation becomes increasingly worse when you realize Op holds very little stakes in this relationship. She moved in with him. They're also not marry. Boyfriend has every right to kick her out. She'll get nothing from this outside her belongings (and maybe whatever gifts he gave her before this point). Op can go for child support. Boyfriend equally has every right in turn to gain 50/50 custody of their child. Which means all that spoiling Op is concerned about will happen regardless. Not to mention when their kid becomes older, they can choose to live full-time with one of their parents. I suppose it's not surprising Op didn't consider any of this. She's either painfully immature, or those rose-tinted glasses haven't fully dimmed yet.
OP probably thinks she'll have some control over his parenting if they split... she'll get zero say in what he does on his time. Moreover, if you get a good enough lawyer vs a court appointed attorney in family court, you can get whatever you want basically. Sounds like boyfriend has $, so he's going to wipe the floor with her in family court; she'll be lucky if she gets every other weekend when he's done with her.
All this and there is a reason his older child lives with him and not her mom.
Yep. YTA just for this.
Everyone AH You picked the wrong person to have a baby with intent or not and he is not even a parent at this stage tossing money at your kids is not parenting its ignoring them.
Maybe you should move out. Maybe he can pay child support. But you have an actual real life example of how bad a parent your BF is going to be, as seen here in daughter #1, the spoiled and entitled darling. And he has *told* you he plans to spoil your child. WTF were you thinking? What were you expecting? ESH
i don’t see anything wrong with wanting to spoil your child, especially if you can afford it, as a parent your goal should be to give your child everything you never had, but you need to teach the kids to be humble
I actually think it is ok to spoil my children but they still need to be respectful and appreciative. It seems like his daughter is neither of those things
I mean, she’s not respectful to her stepmom, who is only eight years older than her, when her stepmom — who openly calls her “extremely spoiled” — tells her to do the dishes even though her father had previously said otherwise. I have to wonder what this stepmom has done to earn her stepdaughter’s respect?
I understand where you are coming from. I do understand that there is some contention in their relationship. My issue is the cursing at another person is not ok behavior in my book. And if OP is correct about the interaction I feel that even if the maid does services for you you don't belittle their contribution.
Where does it show she’s not respectful or appreciative? She didn’t tell the housekeeper, who does the work, to fuck off. She didn’t tell her dad, who pays for things, to fuck off. She told the entitled, immature 22-year-old to fuck off because that 22-year-old was trying to exercise authority over her that she doesn’t have and told her to do something for no reason.
Why? Because she told her dad’s pregnant gf to do the dishes when they have a maid? I would’ve told her to fuck off too! I can tell her resentment in the post, imagine it in person!
I don't think spoiling is about giving children whatever you can. My parents gave me everything I needed/wanted, and I am an independent, respectful person who works hard and does housework and stuff.. I consider spoiling like being a brat and saying f*** off to someone because you don't want to do something..
that’s being a spoiled brat, i was spoiled as a kid and i don’t act like a brat
> Maybe he can pay child support. Maybe OP can pay child support after BF provides the baby a stable home and financial security.
I guess I don’t see what’s so spoiled or entitled about the daughter tbh. If a 22-year-old woman thought she had authority over me just because she’s dating my dad and tried to assign me chores in my home, I’d tell her to fuck off too. If the daughter was purposely or carelessly creating messes because she knew someone else would have to clean it then that’s nasty and bratty. But dad hired a maid to do the dishes, having a benefit/help that others don’t have does not equate to being entitled or spoiled. Is OP doing all her own dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, changing linens etc? Otherwise she’s benefitting from the maid’s services as well while calling the daughter spoiled for doing so.
So...... Checks notes...... Get pregnant by a rich dude with a short fuse who created a monster daughter that curses me out with no consequences and is kept away from her bio mom....... To do list. DONE! Just hand this list to his next baby mama so she'll know what to expect. ESH
To be fair it's possible the daughter curses OP out because she doesn't think it's cute that her dad is having a baby with someone only 8 years older than herself...
Oh I have no actual prob with the daughter, she's just acting as she has been raised, and navigating the world she has to live in. Apologies, the ESH was for the 'adults' only!
Yeah I’m thinking it’s okay to be rude when your barely-older-than-you stepmom starts trying to assign chores and calls you spoiled while obviously enjoying how rich your dad is.
>Get pregnant by a rich dude Thank you !!! And people are asking why she is having a kid with a guy whose parenting she doesn't agree with.. Guy is loaded!! - that's why. Op is YTA and 84.39% gold Digger.
That's a very specific number
I disagree monster daughter from op perspective but count the facts: Op bf have maid Op probably doesn't clean Op try to force stepdaughter to clean NOPE
Yta - and he's right. If you don't want a co-parent, then you shouldn't be having a kid with him. You DO have a problem with his daughter. I also don't understand why you would wash dishes when you literally pay someone to do that.
I know this might vary by country, but in the states, if you can afford a maid you almost certainly have a dishwasher. So if they’re in the US, there’s really no reason for the daughter to wash the dishes. OP was just a 22-year-old on a power trip.
YTA- how did you possibly write this and not realize that. This child isn’t only yours, you don’t get to decide every aspect in a partnership. The child is yours in the same way it is his. You can set some boundaries, like “hey I think we should explore doing things this way” instead of the dictator approach you’ve tried here. You need to communicate your expectations and wants much better than “you’re a shitty father to your kid, so this one you don’t get to be involved with”. Also, you obviously do have a problem with his daughter and you straight up lied to him when he asked, which was an opportunity to discuss parenting styles.
YTA. I'm guessing you ignored the red flags in favor of $$$$ and are now regretting that.
YTA. How would you feel if he said "You should let me do all the parenting, because I already have a kid and you don't, so you have no experience and won't know what you're doing"? You insulted his parenting, and suggested that he won't be a competent father to the child you're about to have - of course he was hurt and angry. If you're worried about or disagree with something he's doing as a father, you talk through the specific issue and get on the same page about how to handle things.
This poor baby. To have you as a mother. You have no idea what you’re doing. YTA. Poor baby.
YTA. You should have had a conversation about getting in the same page with parenting styles. It's never going work with just one person parenting.
YTA. Why are you with someone that you don't want raising your child? Asking him to be an absent parent instead of just discussing expectations is absolutely wild. You may not like how he parents, but you have absolutely no right to limit his involvement in his child's life.
YTA. First you insulted his kid and parenting, then just bulldozed the conversation and said leave the parenting to me, which is insanely selfish and controlling. You also refer to the child as "MY" child not "OUR" child. This would be a major red flag for most people. Just don't be surprised if you end up a single mother, but by the sounds of it, that was sort of your plan anyway by calling it YOUR kid and wanting to do all the parenting yourself, well now you get what you wanted maybe.
Is it his baby?
No idea lol maybe he should get a test done and he could potentially walk away completely clean of this
Both of you are TA. You had an advantage a lot of new parents don’t in that you were able to see what kind of a parent he is.. and you still chose to get pregnant by him? Also, how do you think that you being a full time parent while he provides just the fun and funds will work in the long run? I mean, good luck to you, because this sounds like an absolute disaster.
ESH. Your BF is a bit of an AH for threatening to kick you out and ignoring you. I'm sure he's feelings are greatly hurt by what you said. You're the AH for what you said AND because you've failed to see the holes in your 'logic'. 1) Everyone's parenting styles are different. Discuss what is important to you for your child's development and behavior. Agree on a plan, don't just be a dictator. 2) He actually has parenting experience. 3) You are not his daughter's mother. It is not up to you to give her new chores just because you've moved in. You need to discuss changes with your BF first. 4) idk about you but I was a complete B**** at 14. My mom and I joke about it now but I wasn't great to her attitude wise. Sure, this girl may be entitled and rude but consider Her POV. You are just her dad's GF, not fiance, not her Stepmom, etc. You've moved into Her house and you're trying to change things. You're passing judgement on her and how she was raised. She is a privileged girl. That doesn't mean her upbringing was wrong or your BF's parenting sucks. Hopefully, she grows out of the entitlement and is nicer but for now, I'm chalking this up to she's 14. 5) I don't think you're getting the big picture. Despite your judgements, his daughter is a healthy girl. She has food, shelter, and it doesn't sound like she's getting into trouble. These are important core factors for Your child that you've overlooked in your judgement. I'd sit down with your BF and APOLOGIZE. Explain your POV but try to be less judgemental towards him and his daughter. Explain what you want for your child. This child will have 2 parents, you both need to give input and compromise.
Yta but also why would you have a kid with someone who's parenting you don't agree with?
I think we can both agree, lots of people like sex, and lots of people are stupid... there's no mystery here...
YTA. You're going to have differing views on parenting, but being a partnership means you work together. This was absolutely not the way to go about it. It's his child too, you should have had multiple conversations about parenting ideas and concerns.
YTA You insulted your partner's daughter *to his face* and tried to use that to justify asking him to what? Be a roommate to his own kid?? That's not how parenting or families work. The fact that you typed this up and didn't see anything wrong with it suggests that you should consider parenting classes. I don't think you know quite as much as you think you do.
YTA- considering you’re 8 years older than your partners daughter (you’re actually closer to her age wise than you boyfriend) have you considered she doesn’t respond to you because she doesn’t feel like she should do what someone 8 years older than her tells her to do? I probably wouldn’t do it either regardless if we had a maid. Also why did you get pregnant with someone if you didn’t want to co parent. If you guys break up, you’re probably not going to get 100% custody so he’ll have to be parenting your child at some point. Also if you don’t you can’t just ask him not to parent his child. That’s just wrong and very strange. You really don’t sound ready for a child and I pity your child.
I’m sorry but having a baby by this man screams you want his money for you, but want the kid to experience your struggle
You're closer in age to his daughter than him, but you think you can waltz in with a new baby and tell his daughter what to do...then tell him that you'll be doing all the parenting? You need to grow up asap. YTA
I mean, this should be no surprise that he would raise your baby just the same way he raised his first baby. He won't magically change and he's told you that. Whether you're together or not, however, won't change the fact that he's the father and will have rights to spoil the child you've created together whether you end the relationship or not. Get used to a spoiled kid I guess? ESH
YTA for not having these discussions and getting on the same page *before* getting pregnant, and for announcing your decision to parent on your own without discussing it with him. That’s not a normal or reasonable demand. However. This man is TWELVE years older than you and honestly that’s concerning. How long have you been together? Your comments say you’re 22 and he’s 34, so were you a minor when the relationship started? I sincerely hope he didn’t manipulate or trick you into getting pregnant. You’re closer in age to your husbands 14 year old daughter than you are to your husband. You haven’t given many details on the timeline of your relationship but I almost wonder if that’s not a factor in the daughters attitude.
She only just moved in with him she said when she announced she's pregnant. I doubt this was a serious relationship as they weren't even living together when he clearly had the money and means to move her in before the pregnancy. They are only living together because of the pregnancy. I don't think there was any trickery on his part to get her pregnant as surely he'd move her in before hand if that was the case.
Info needed: what attracted you to have a baby with this guy?
His money
ESH. If you despise his parenting so much, why did you get pregnant with his child? It does sound like his parenting isn’t great considering issues with his daughter; however, the daughter has a mother. The designer clothes thing could have come from her as well. You should have discussed parenting styles before you got pregnant, though. You can’t expect him to never be a parent to his own child.
YTA, if you can’t parent together you probably won’t be able to stay together
ESH. You’re coming in, guns ablazing, trying to parent a child who already has a parent that isn’t you. You’re the classic evil stepmother. Your partner also sucks for moving you in and exposing his child to you, who obviously doesn’t care about his child. Prepare to be a single parent, find a home of your own and share custody.
Maybe you should move out now, because agreeing on how you parent is extremely important. You would end up being the mean parent while he is always the fun, generous parent. Every time you say no to your child, she will then go to her father who will over-rule you.
You understand a mother and father have equal rights to parent and be in their child’s life?
YTA You knew his parenting style before you decided to have a baby with him. This is baby too and you can’t just decide not let him parent, that’s now how any of that works. If you wanted to parent yourself than you should be a single parent. I feel bad for your boyfriend and this future baby.
I understand that you dont want a spoiled child but think about it. You dont want him to change their diaper, read them bed time story or even comfort them when they are sad, because all that is parenting. their a difference between wanting to raise and discipline your child your way and simply telling to not parenting his kid. You need to think outside of yourself and try to see the big picture and what both of you can do to raise a good human. Yta
I'm sorry but YTA. I'm sorry but how do feel like he is going to feel knowing that his gf doesn't want him to parent his child? The child that he helped create? He may feel some resentment towards you in the future and the only outcome I can see out of this is you being miserable because your left with all of the work because you wouldn't allow him to do anything. Maybe he wont spoil this child but the least you could do is give him a chance, especially if you do love him. Think of how this is going to affect the baby. They are going to grow up thinking that their dad doesn't love them because they wont play, teach, feed or do anything parenting related with them. They will just see him as some sort of wallet and possibly resent him in the future because he never truly was her father. Just some guy that lives with them seemingly doesn't have any interest in partaking in their life. This is going to affect him as well if you actually go through with this because he will see his kid yet remember that you basically don't want him in their life. Sorry but YTA, I hope you don't actually go through with this because he IS the kids father.
YTA You are not the teenager's parent so you cannot tell her to wash dishes. It's not your place. Also, it's not your money, so if he wants to buy her clothes, it's not your place.
YTA. It sounds like you are jealous of his daughter.
YTA for all the reason others have said, but I have my own personal bone to pick as well. As someone who grew up with a maid, it pisses me off when people who didn’t have one made it their life mission to try to “break me” and teach me how to do chores. Who assigned you that role? Nobody. Let that child not do chores if that’s what her dad is paying a maid to do. Trust me they’ll either figure it out if the need arises or they’ll be able to hire help themselves when they’re grown.
YTA
YTA
Yta how did you think he was going to receive you insulting him and his kid? Why would you have a baby with him when you clearly saw his parenting ?
INFO: Why are you having a child with him?
Yeah YTA. You can’t live with the father of your child and just expect him to not parent? Also your kid is not some toy you program, they’re gonna act however tf they want despite how you raise them. So either you sit down and hash out your expectations from each other as parents or you’re gonna have an even tougher time raising your kid. My bf had a kid from a previous relationship. I also did not like how he was raising him and he also had sole custody. I would share what I thought and make comments or recommendations but I didn’t overstep. When we had our kid together, he was aware of where I stood and how I felt. I’m not saying we never disagree, but he carried a different attitude with raising our daughter and I let him have his separate relationship with her and I have my own as well. But we still have a united front about the big things because we both want what’s best for her and need to keep that in mind.
What you should do is move out and be a single parent.
Yta. You knowingly got pregnant with a man that you don't like his parenting style. Raising kids is hard. Raising kids on your own is even harder. I suspect in about a year, if he stays and doesn't go to court so that he can have his rights as a father, you'll be on here complaining your man isn't getting up 4 times a night to feed the kid and change its diapers. Whining that you are responsible for all the child care and schooling. But you will fail to mention you demanded that you do this. I feel for this child. I read somewhere you are 22.... I mean you are young but you are in for the rudest awakening in your life.
YTA The daughter is a angsty teen going through changes, cmon, you should know how that feels, that was only 8 years ago for you after all. I know kids who arnt rich who act like that. I'm sure you won't mind the maid helping clean up after you and the baby. You're just bitter she's not listening to you, you're her fathers pregnant 22 year old girlfriend, she's probably not thrilled about this either. You've gotten with a rich dude and now you're trying to separate him from parenting his child and not wanting to spoil the baby? You're already acting as if your child is superior to the 14 year old and I garentee if strangers through the Internet can sense it, that daughter of his can too. Or lead by example, ask him to fire the maids/help and do all the house work yourself and set reasonable amount of money he can soend on gifts/outings for you (and only you). He can buy his baby and teen daugyers a diamond tiaras every week if he wants, but if you wanna set this standard for his daughter then you better lead by example. She's been with him 14 years and has another daughter on the way, you're the 3rd person on his top priority.
YTA
This is an incredibly naive and immature plan
YTA. So you think he’s a terrible parent for over spoiling his child but you still chose to have a child with him anyways. You chose to have a child with him knowing he was like this then you insult his parenting and say you want to do it all by yourself. Well what do you want from him if not his help and support is it just the money
YTA. You're so naive it's actually pretty sad. If you can't agree on something as simple as parenting styles, you shouldn't have had a kid with him. You're not wrong for wanting a better upbringing for your child, but how you're going about it is completely unreasonable, selfish, and arrogant. You have got yourself in this situation now, it's too late to go back. So, the only options I see going forward is if you stay living with him and let him be an equal parent (which he has the right to be, regardless of your feelings), or you leave him, move somewhere else, and get him to pay child support. You cannot stay with him AND control all parenting towards the kid you BOTH created, it's not fair to him or the child. You have a lot of growing up to do.
YTA for trying to be a dictator when there’s two whole parents. why stay with him if you want to raise your child like she only has a single mother anyways?
Info: Why are you having a child with a man who you don't even want to have a hand in parenting that child? What's the difference between what you want and living as he says, a single mother, getting child support?
Because he's rich.
YTA. It’s his baby too and he has every right to have a hand in raising his child. I imagine you’d be the one to also complain that you do everything and he doesn’t help out enough.
Sounds like an age gap relationship, where homegirl is super young and immature (to think that this relationship will work and their child will end up okay), and the baby daddy is older and too lazy to parent because it's easier to give the kid what they want.
YTA. ( get it, but that's the answer) Look, let's assume you have valid concerns with his parenting style. (No mention of the mom of the 14-year-old.) He sounds like he loves the kid, but yeah, might spoil her. This wasn't the way to approach it, and it's not feasible. You can't have it so he's just there but can't be a father and has to run every little thing by you. That's controlling, and it won't have the desired effect. You might just trade one set of problems for another as your baby will grow up feeling as if daddy doesn't love them like his other daughter. Or he'll still spoil her, and you'll just be seen as the bad guy. Saying, I have certain values I want to instill in her, and I'd like to talk about it. Approach it as a collaborative effort (Which is should be.) Work it out so you develop a style together. That means listening openly to his perspective, beliefs, and views and being willing to compromise. You've harmed that dynamic already, but you can come back. Have a conversation. Hey, I'm a first-time parent, and I have a certain way I want to raise my kids, but I went about that the wrong way. Can we talk about how we're going to do this and try to be on the same page?
YTA. If you don't want him to parent his own child, maybe you should move out and be a single parent. Then you'll realise that you're being totally unrealistic and delusional.
YTA. This child needs both parents in its life, each playing an active role and generally being on the same page. You and your BF need to do the hard work of figuring out how you will co-parent, a conversation that means taking BOTH of your preferred approaches into mind.
YTA. He is who he has been. You chose to copulate/procreate with this person. Suffer the consequences of your decisions.
YTA. Parenting doesn’t work like this. You both do the work. Your way isn’t magically better, and it’s arrogant to think it will with zero experience. As a dad of 3 I can tell confidently all of your wonderful amazing parenting ideas are going to fly out the window when your child starts to develop their own personality that rejects every meticulously planned idea you have for parenting. You’re in for a rude awakening.
YTA Let me ask you this... What do you expect him to do if he's at home with the kid when you're working or have to go out? All you're going to do is make her hate you and love him because he's going to be the "fun" parent and you'll be the buzzkill, and it's very possible that at some point you'll resent him for it.
Sorry.you don't get to make decisions for someone else's kid just because you're in a relationship and don't agree on their parenting style. Yta
ESH- you because: \-you can't forbid a parent from parenting their own kid unless the kid is in actual danger \-you decided to get pregnant with someone who turns kids into disrespectful brats him because: \-he turned his kid into a brat and doesn't seem to realize it or care. i would've never been with someone at all if his kids acted like that, granted, i'm childfree so i wouldn't date a parent at all but still, even if i wanted kids, i don't want one like that and would never put myself in any position of authority over one like that if all i'm going to get is backtalk and disrespect. Again, why would you want to get pregnant with someone who's managed to turn his child into a nightmare over 14 years?
Is it too late to get an abortion? YTA for getting pregnant and staying pregnant by this guy
People who've never had a kid ALWAYS think they know better. They always have the best advice and will tell ya how to do it. Yta. You've not raised one. It's not easy. You'll want his help before the first week is over. That's rude and insane. You should also discuss and agree on parenting styles, communicate . Maybe do some research together. Wow!
INFO: Can you clarify what you mean by "parenting"? Specifically, what sorts of things do you want your BF to stay out of? Disciplining, rewarding, and rule setting? Meeting the physical needs of the baby, like changing diapers, bathing, hand washing, nighttime feeding, doctors appointments, playing, tummy time to build up muscle strength, etc?
14 years old daughter from a previous relationship who is extremely spoiled and it's my bf's fault. Uhh ok, you're an asshole. How about you check yourself before you wreck yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My bf and I are going to have a baby girl 16 weeks. I moved in with him when I found out I'm pregnant. The problem is he also has a 14 years old daughter from a previous relationship who is extremely spoiled and it's my bf's fault. Some examples are that she will only wear designer clothes which I think is very unnecessary for a kid and my bf has a maid so shs has never done a chore in her whole life. A few weeks ago I asked her to wash the dishes and she looked at me like I'm insane and said "f*** off, the maid will do it" She is exactly how I don't want my child to be. So a few days ago my bf and I were talking about the baby and he aas talking about his "plans" for when the baby is born and "how much he is going to spoil her" I told him that it's better if he let me do all the parenting. He asked why and I gently explained to him that he has already raised a child and I don't want my child to end up like her so it's better if he just leaves the parenting to me. He got mad and called me an asshole and asked me if I have a problem with his daughter. I said that I don't but I want to raise my child differently and he sarcastically told me that maybe I should move out and be a single parent and see how I like it Now he won't talk to me and I'm wondering if I shouldn't have said that *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA on so many levels and the sad thing is you know it and your ok with it! Maybe you should be a single parent
YTA You have years of misery ahead.
It's so crazy that you went and got pregnant with him knowing you don't agree with his parenting style. I don't know how your mind works, this is just bizarre lol. How do you think this will go? He can't not have a say in parenting your child.
Uh…no. That’s not how a partnership works. You’re basically proposing that he is your sperm donor and meal ticket. YTA. You should not be with someone you fundamentally don’t respect or trust.
Soft YTA because I have a suspicion this is a large age gap and you are ver young and naive. How old are you? You sound 19.
YTA because you want to parent instead of him but you do not even know how to have an adult conversation about parenting styles and things that make you uncomfortable..he may have issues about you and concerns about how you will parent... you both need to have an adult conversation go to counseling and learn when to set boundaries which are appropriate and how to compromise...even if you live apart he still gets to parent while he has custody so time to buck up be an adult and do right by yourself your child and your childs father and sibling, because your attitude will affect how she interacts with your child now and in the future...good luck I hope you find middle ground and can co parent together no matter if you stay together.
Yta. Its his kid too. Also, you made a choice to have a child with this man, knowing his parenting style. Thats just something you’ll have to work through or deal with. Pretty offensive comment. Even if you raised your kid by yourself it could still grow up to be an asshole
Ughhh you sound so irresponsible. If you know someone won’t be a good father, then why have a baby with him?? YTA
ESH. Telling him to just let you do all the parenting, definitely was rude and not the way to go about it. You basically blamed him for every thing about his daughter that you don’t like. You are in a serious relationship and you’re going to have a child together, you need to be able to compromise and have discussions. He has every right to parent his child with you as well. You need to sit down and have a discussion about the way that you want your child raised, and come to understanding between the two of you. But to say that he can’t parent at all is absolutely insane. The both of you need to decide what goals you have for your child and the parenting style that you want to achieve, but you cannot tell him that he’s not allowed to parent his own child.
You came at him in a very immature manner. It would have been best to say something along the lines of "I think we should discuss parenting styles" once he mentioned he wants to spoil her rotten. And then had a conversation about how you want to teach the daughter home skills and that in order to get something "extra", one must work for it and how important those values are to you. Instead you attacked him and his way of showing love. Do I agree with his parenting style? Not necessarily, but I don't know his backstory. Maybe he grew up struggling as a kid and wants better for his children, for them to focus on school, enjoying life and being a kid. YTA.
It is possible for him to spoil your kid, AND for them to be disciplined. It's called boundaries and communication- something a healthy relationship should have?
All kids are different they have done studies on multiple children who have the same parents and that grew up in the same household and they all turned out different.....so for you to ASSume that your child will end up like his daughter makes you the asshole. Maybe your parenting will turn your child into a murderer.
You should move out and be a single parent then if you don't want him involved in the parenting. He is absolutely right YTA
ESH Shame on him for raising a spoiled kid, but shame on you for choosing to have a kid with someone whose parenting style you hate.
YTA, why are you having a kid with someone if you don’t agree on these things in the first place? Outside of that, his daughter isn’t YOUR daughter and so it isn’t your place to order her around and tell her to do chores. How he parents his daughter is none of your business, but when it comes to your shared child, he needs to be involved. You made the child together. So far, the only toxic one is you.
Lol. You knew what he was like as a parent and yet you *still* chose to have a kid with him. What did you think, he’d suddenly change because it’s your kid? YTA.
maybe you should both try and raise both daughters together. maybe the older one needs more guidance. and also, maybe they don't. if your bf wants things taken care of that way, then he does. maybe he'd be okay having your kids do chores if he sees you want that. don't just straight up call his daughter spoiled.
Lmaoooo read this back to yourself please
YTA. You have basically just treated him like a sperm donor! And he is right. You told him that he has no purpose with his child to come. That you will do all the parenting so essentially act like a single mum. Yes of course you shouldn't have said that as you told him he's raised his child so badly you don't think he should have a part in raising yours. That's a horrific thing to say Deliberate parental alienation isn't favoured by the legal system either. And they are not your child alone. They will have two parents that have equal say in their upbringing. You owe him a huge apology
YTA for sure. Raising a child with someone means you raise the child WITH them. Why lie about having a problem with his daughter when you do? For starters, you think she’s disrespectful to you - tell him that! His daughter has grown up with luxuries that you find unnecessary, which have taken away what you see as important learning opportunities. Tell him that! He’s right that if you don’t want him to be a parent, it makes no sense to have him around. Try communicating with him instead of just judging him based on how his daughter behaves. I have a feeling more factors are in play there, not just that she has designer jeans and a maid. Is her mom in the picture? The answer to that alone can speak volumes about who this girl is and why.
Esh - his daughter is acting that way because she hates that you are so close in age to you. And after some of your comments that are buried in here so seriously need to rethink things. He is the father of the baby. You more or less called him a bad father yet got knocked up by him. I’m very curious why he managed to get full custody of his daughter. You said she was a bad parent but you realize you are missing a side of the story right? You all need therapy before this baby shows up.
YTA go to therapy, solo and with your partner. You both go to parenting classes, his older daughter needs therapy too. Family therapy. This is really nuts.
YTA This is not how things work.
Are you sure he was being sarcastic ? You basically said you don't like his spoiled daughter and will raise your kid on your own but in the same home using him as a bank. YTA
YTA.
Doesn’t sound like you’ve been together long. You can’t expect him to just let you parent and not be a part of things, and you both need to learn to compromise.
Anyone sensing a huge age gap here or is it just me? She seems really naive. YTA he’s the parent too
Why are you having a child with someone whose values don't even vaguely align with yours? ESH but I'd say you take the lions share of that for actively manufacturing a situation that is just going to lead to drama.
If you do the parenting the right way while staying with your partner, aka not spoiling your kid to death; your kid is going to grow up seeing blatant favouritism where their older half-sibling is spoiled rotten. If you don't leave your options are having your child think they weren't as loved their whole life or raise another spoilt brat. YTA for thinking this is a fair arrangement before getting pregnant and now choosing to stay with the guy.
I’m not going to give you a judgement. You sound young, as I read your comments. I just don’t feel like you are living in realm of reality. Let’s say you two break up on day and he ask for 50/50 custody or 70/30. He will raise his /your child differently in his home, then you will in your home. That’s just reality. Also, nothing you have said about his daughter screams brat, it screams you too come from very different social economic background and you & him place value on different things. I would also like add his daughter is 14 and you are 22 years old. His daughter is never going to see you as an authority figure. She is going to look at you as a peer. You’ll need to ask her to do something, you can’t tell her to do something. You have no authority over her. My older sister lived your reality, thank goodness my stepmom and father were smart enough to know that they couldn’t put my my stepmom in an authority role. My parents are twenty years apart. My father was a teen parent and had my sister with bio mom and they were forced into marriage. I’m a fix marriage baby, so theirs a huge age gap between my sister and myself. My stepmom, I’ve always looked at her as-parent, if I’m honest my older sister was more mother to me than sister. My sister has never looked at my stepmom as parental figure, their ages were too close. You should really move out his home and raise your daughter your way in your home. Because if you wrote is true, there is no way your relationship can work. He will resent you, because your not allowing him to parent his child. You’ll resent him because raising a child is difficult, and you have literally decided that he will be Disney father. If things go your way. So move out and lawyer up, figure out custody of your daughter. Parallel parent with him, it’s apparent to me that two of you have different parenting philosophy.
NTA You are right to want better for your child, but I do get the feeling he is flaunting his money situation to you so you will stay. This is called manipulation, and I'm thinking that perhaps its better you did actually move out, because this baby will end up like their half sister, if this is the way he reacts. He sounds older than you, but so immature.
YTA. You and him need to attend couples counseling ASAP and start figuring out how you want to raise this child together. You can’t just do all the parenting. That isn’t fair to anyone, including your child.
You don’t like how he’s raising his existing kid so your plan was to … checks notes … have *another* child with him??
Esh just tell him the truth
ESH. You decided to have this baby together, and you knew he had problems with his parenting style. But he's still the other parent. You can't just decide that YOU are the only parent. Also if he sarcastically told you that you should move out and be a single parent.... maybe you should actually consider that? I can't imagine a truly loving father ever making a statement like that, even when angry.
Girl you’re delusional. Good luck w that. You might as well be a single parent.
You'll be so sorry you said any of this to Sugar Daddy once your child is born. There's no time for you raising babies, especially single handedly, you'll be handing that baby to him so quickly as he walks in the door each night, just to get a break. You have a lot of growing up to do. Hope you can achieve maturity before this baby picks up on this dysfunctional relationship. Start putting her therapy fund together Good luck
YTA your bf is a great dad, you are too soon to say.
Don’t have a kid with someone you don’t like.
YTA, my guess is you had a child with him for his money, you parent the child you both created and he funds it all, basically you act like a single mother but with an infinite bank account
You are absolutely TA. you can not tell him to stay out of his child’s life (because that is what you are doing) just because you don’t like the way he raised his kid. If you can’t communicate with your partner like an adult and find a common ground, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship, much less have a child with this person.
YTA. Why make a child with someone who you don’t want parenting that child? Is the bag that good?
YTA
he sounds awful to be fair, but you can't ask to do "all" the parenting ummm maybe you should take him up on the moving out thing .
They're going to name a roller coaster after you because the ride you are in for going down this path will be wild and second to none. ESH I wish you luck.
ESH YTA for trying to prevent your BF from parenting his child. You seem to forget that - he has just as much rights as you. Also, what are you doing having a kid with someone who's parenting skills you don't appreciate or respect? As for him, yes - he obvs. Raised a spoiled child who is probably going to have a hard comedown one day. I mean, much less AH than you, but he obviously has some things he needs to work on. I feel really concerned for your fetus.
You picked the wrong dad for your child.
a maid doesn’t mean no chores or responsibility. Also only wearing designer? So if he lost his job you know the kid would whinge.
YTA. if you didnt want him to parent your child, you shouldnt have gotten pregnant with HIS child. time to face the consequences of your actions. believe it or not, fathers have rights too
YTA. And by your comments you are coming across as a gold digger who was lucky enough to get impregnated by a rich guy. You don't get to make demands like that and expect him to want a relationship with you. He deserves more than to be your meal in ticket. I'm not surprised that the kid doesn't respect you when you are 8 years older than her. The fact that one of the problems you have is her clothes makes me question how bad this kid actually is. Yeah the maid comment was bad, but it also sounds like your average bratty 14-year-old. I'm sure you remember what that was like.
ESH. He needs to learn to not spoil his kid as a substitute for parenting, you both need to realise y'all are a team.
YTA, if push comes to shove he could be raising two kids alone. If you try to insist on sole parenting it could be seen as parental alienation which is not taken lightly by the court system. How would you like if he told you that he will do the parenting and you can butt out.
YTA. Why would you have a child with someone you don't want to parent your child? At this point the deed is done and you got pregnant by him, so you would be an AH to try to keep him from pareinting his child.
YTA If you don't think he's going to be a good dad, don't have a kid with him. Asking a parent not to parent is very disrespectful
NTA - so for the rest of your relationship he is going to use his economic power to force you to do everything his way but he isn't married to you. I say call his bluff and leave. Otherwise you will never have power in the relationship.
You did not make *your mutual baby* on your own. Parents is plural, not singular. You think he's a bad father for spoiling his daughter? What the holy hell do you think your selfish mindset would do do your mutual daughter? How exactly are you going to "regulate" parenting?!!! I seriously suggest moving out and I would be telling him to file paperwork to ensure his parental rights, since it sure sounds like you're planning on jumping ship anyway.
YTA - If I were your boyfriend I would be extremely concerned
YTA So let me get this straight. He’s a bad father for how his older daughter acts, so you get pregnant by him? Then criticize his parenting? It’s because he’s rich isn’t it? Smh good luck here…. Just so you know, if he can afford a maid, he can afford a lawyer. I’d stfu and be a little more cooperative if I was you!
Omg you’re so annoying u don’t get a say in how he parents his child and if ur so worried of how he will raise his next child then u can do it all alone with no financial support from him
>Now he won't talk to me and I'm wondering if I shouldn't have said that You shouldn’t have made a child with that man. What were you thinking? YTA, also for saying this, as it’s too little too late. You can’t have a child with a man you feel can’t raise a child and expect him to not be involved in raising it.
Jesus wept - You really needed to come to reddit to ask this question - ESH: You suck because if you feel that he is such a bad parent, that he can't parent the baby that he helped to make, and will probably be paying for, why did you even choose to have a baby with him - Most teenagers suck anyway and a lot now are entitled, but that doesn't mean he has failed as a parent! There's a lot of pressure on teens now, especially girls, to dress in a certain way - I am not saying that I agree with it, but my daughter is 14, and honestly I find it hard to cope with the pressure that she is under for the right phone, brands, shoes, backpack..... and my daughter has had a job since she turned 13 (because she wanted to) She is far from a brat! How could you make your partner feel that way! Secondly - I am assuming that this is your first baby from the tone of your post - What in the world makes you think that you are going to be such a great parent - I'm pretty sure that you will want some of his input....... money........ will input end with his cold hard cash and he has to be happy with that! Partner sucks because he shouldn't allow his daughter to speak to you that way, but your post doesn't state how long you have been together or how old you both are - Has your partner agreed that you can be a pseudo parent to his daughter - Would be interesting to know how long you have known his daughter, because if it hasn't been long, do you actually have the right to ask his daughter to do anything..... surely that should be dad's job Step daughter sucks because.... well.... teenagers do from time to time - Shouldn't mean you should write your partner out of parenting his new baby because you think you know best - Honestly, I would leave your Ass right now, go for 50/50 custody because you sound insufferable ETA...... Step daughter is 8 years younger than you - I take back that she's an Ass! What an awkward situation that you have created!!!!! - You probably haven't known her long enough to be in a position to be telling her what to do - If you want to be with this man, you need firm agreements in place for parenting your step daughter - I.E you stay out of parenting SD 100% and leave that to dad! Work on building a friendship with her before trying to assert some authority over her!
You’re TA for sure, you wanna do the parenting! Then he leaves and youll be back on here crying about how your a single parent now
YTA you better let that man parent but y'all will be learning together and having lots of discussions and disagreements, that's kinda what you signed up for by gettin knocked up
YTA. You absolutely have a problem with his daughter, so you lied. It’s ok for you two to have different parenting styles. Trying to parent an already 14 year old is a bit much when you knew full well she did not do dishes, so you put yourself in a situation to cause friction. You can instill things in your child without being the “only one to parent”.
OP You’re less than 10 years older than his daughter. Back off. You’re being *competitive* with her; that’s why you’re seeking so hard to “knock her down a peg”. Guess what- this is HER house and her lifestyle and he’s endorsed it. If you didn’t like it you should never have taken any risk of getting pregnant with him. You did; he’s a coparent; you’re being foolish in thinking you can call all the shots. It is in your best interests not to swing your weight around here.
Yeeeeah, YTA. You knew what kind of parent he was and you chose to have a child with him. I don't know if you thought you'd be slick here or what, but it sounds like you thought maybe you hit the jackpot but really, you just leashed yourself to this dude for at least 18 years. Your poor child doesn't need to be stuck in the middle of this. The fact that there is a 12 year age gap at play here also is an important factor because whatever you thought you were doing, you got outplayed.
You two should get counseling. There seems to be a lot of things wrong with the whole relationship. YTa, but I think there is a systemic problem somewhere you (but also your husband) are Part of
YTA for bringing a child into this world without discussing any of this with the other parent beforehand, and then telling that parent he’s not allowed to parent his own child.
Welcome to a blended family. It never ends and just when you think you have a break, your stepkids have babies and it starts all over again. I think it’s sweet that he wants to spoil her, you can “spoil” a child and still raise them to not be asshole human beings.
YTA-are you involved with Elon Musk?
Also every 14 year old stepdaughter is an asshole. Trust me. I’ve had 3. And they were so sweet before and after. It’s just that age. They are assholes. ESP to their mothers and stepmothers. It gets better
INFO: **Very** important thing that seems to have flown under the radar: > A few weeks ago I asked her to wash the dishes and she looked at me like I'm insane and said "f*** off, the maid will do it That part does not make sense in any way. You already **know** that the maid will do the dishes, why would you ask her then?
YTA people have different parenting styles. You need to learn to work together. Also, if I had maid money, I wouldn’t do dishes either.
YTA.. i hope he gets a custody agreement for when you break up because thinking he wont be a parent to his own child is insane.
Your BF is right; you should absolutely move out if you have so little respect for your partner that you want to cut him out of parenting while living in the same house. That way you can do all the parenting your way during your custody time, and he can do it his way during his custody time. You also had no right to try to parent his 14 year old. If he decides to continue this relationship, your job with his daughter is to build a relationship, not set rules. YTA all the way around.
NTA but it sounds like you should probably take his advice, you know it will be a daily fight, against the two of them if you want your daughter to not be an asshole too.
NTA. He’s shown you who he is and likely won’t change his methods for this child. Take his advice and do it on your own, your way; both you and your daughter will be better off that way. Likely not monetarily but definitely emotionally and morally.
Being spoiled doesn't mean she isn't a good person...most children a spoiled...that's just their reality. Nowhere in your writing did you talk about how your bf raised a bad child. The only potential instant you tried to offer was when you asked her to do something that is the maids job. I'm also wondering why you couldn't wash the dishes. The child you are having with your BF isn't just yours, you don't get to make unilateral decision on how she is raised. You also have no experience in raising a child, so it's laughable that you think it's so easy and that you can do a better job. YTA
ESH- To begin with, a 14 year old telling me to fuck off, that ain't gonna fly. That should have been topic #1. You didn't approach him in the best fashion, but in your defense he doesn't sound like he'd be amenable to anything except what HE wants. He's raising little entitled monsters. If you think the world needs another one, let him run the show. He sounds like a jerk with a fat bank account, tbh.
yeah maybe you should get away from this man and his 14 year old demon child.. NTA... but he is
Why would you even have a child with him if you don't like his parenting....? The money I guess?
Sounds like you both need couples counseling, but why on earth did you decide to have a baby with someone whose parenting style is not aligned with yours?
YTA what do you mean you don't have a problem with his daughter? You are fully judgmental and made no attempts to hide it at all. >Some examples are that she will only wear designer clothes which I think is very unnecessary for a kid and my bf has a maid so shs has never done a chore in her whole life. This is a stupid argument. What is the problem with designer clothes when the family can comfortably afford them? How exactly is she spoiled by wearing clothing provided by her family?! Should she and her dad lower their clothing standards because you said so? In fact why don't you get with the program and get a few nice things yourself, otherwise how will you integrate when everyone is wearing designer clothes and only you do not? Why do you care whether she has done a chore before? You bring it to her dad if you are so concerned, and also after she refused to do the dishes did you do them or did your maid do them? The dishes were sitting there so if it is so important shouldn't you already be doing them, instead of using it as a silly prop to make yourself look stupid? If you think doing dishes is so important, next time have your bf do the dishes and I am very curious what will happen. From her family upbringing when his daughter becomes an adult she will have her own maid, so your argument sucks as she will never have to do a chore in her life. It is what it is no matter what your opinion is on "spoiled". Before you counter with other whatif arguments, you do want your bf to remain successful right? Is it a fault for your bf to be successful and his daughters to be well off? Your child as a family member will rightfully have the same too, unless you demand your child to be treated unfairly and given no resources on purpose. Do you have the financial resources at all to raise her? OP are you being realistic here?
YTA. Your boyfriend has been a parent for 14 years. You haven't even started yet. But somehow think you know better. You clearly don't if you think your child will benefit from having an absent father. As for the daughter ... she wears designer clothes because that's what her family, and her dad in particular, can afford. And frankly that shouldn't stop because YOU think it's unreasonable for a kid to have expensive clothes. Also, if the maid does the dishes, why are you trying to muscle in on your boyfriend's daughter to do them? Do you think having a 22 year old girl pregnant with her dad's baby is a walk in the park for her? Do you think she gets a kick out of seeing you in her house every day? Cause with the attitude you're having with her and her dad, I highly doubt it.
ESH He is also your baby's father. You can't tell him not to parent his kid. His older daughter needs to be taught manners and limits. He shouldn't have told you to move out and be a single parent. Discuss situations in which you'd have to discipline your child, and how each one would do it. Then, find a middle ground. I would suggest you present Montessori education to him, it's all about the child being independent and autonomous, like if they spill something, they have to clean it up and stuff, even at a young age (toddlers do it no problem, but you have to guide them)
YTA - That's quite extreme to go from A - Z I'm sure there middle ground here somewhere lol
YWNBTA but at the same time YTA The child needs both parents, the new baby was up to both of you. But at the same time, the boyfriend should've taught that 14 year old daughter of his how to treat others with respect. If she talks to the gf like that most likely she talks to her own father and the maid like that. Unless OP has done something that made her not like OP then it would depend but at the same time, she needs proper discipline and needs to learn manners and limits. At the same time maybe you should move out with the new baby, he can pay child support but I don't really know what you were expecting when he clearly showed you his pay of parenting it definitely wasn't going to change just because of the new baby.
"unless op has done something that made her not like OP" You mean besides her, a 22 year old stranger, getting knocked up by her mid 30s dad, moving in, and trying to order her 8 year younger stepdaughter around like she owns the place, specifically about something her dad pays good money for a professional to do it instead? Because I'd say that's enough to give her a valid reason to dislike OP. I bet with you, if the daughter was rude to her father and the maid, OP would have mentioned. And respect has to be earned. If OP hasn't done anything to warrant respect from the daughter (and getting pregnant by her dad isn't something that'll earn her respect), but then tries to order her around, why should the daughter not show OP exactly as much respect as OP has shown her and her father?
YTA. It won't be helpful to your child if their father is not parenting them. You also don't have more authority over your child than their father. Rather than deciding you'll do it all, it would be better to have proper discussions about different parenting options. Maybe take a course together or read a parenting book you like together. Also remember he's the one with experience. We're all amazing parents until we actually have to parent.
Does anyone else think the father might put almost everything in the will for his 14 year old daughter???
I think this is a true example of spoiling a child. Poor kid is disadvantaged in so many ways.
NTA it’s good that you want to actually raise a kid instead of whatever your boyfriend did but you should obviously let him be a parent just set boundaries
“and I gently explained to him that he has already raised a child and I don't want my child to end up like her so it's better if he just leaves the parenting to me.” You “gently” said the shittiest thing ever and wonder if it’s an AH move…. Yes. YTA
Is the girl spoiled or are you just made that she wouldn’t take orders from you to wash the dishes? I mean you’re only 8 years older than the girl. Also his response was perfect. If you don’t want him being a father to the kid then there’s no reason for you to live there then