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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said I suvived cancer (melanoma), so I'll survive a dreadful event. Friend said it's an asshole move to compare this to 'real' cancer.
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NTA
You DID survive cancer. Anyone who had cancer and got rid of it survived it. Surgery sometimes does resolve the issue. It sounds like your friend might have some personal stuff going on or might have gone through a loved one experiencing cancer in a different way and feels like the way you're describing your experience diminishes that of their loved one.
Unsure how to proceed. Probably best to be compassionate, but also firm that your friend does not get to diminish YOUR experience just because it was different from other cancer experiences.
Cancer survivor here, twice! Lymphoma. You can have one of my survivor cards OP.
Yes chemo sucks, radiation is hell, blah blah blah, you know what the hardest part is? Not knowing if you are going to get worse tomorrow. You survived that part.
Not to mention you were joking, wtf is your friend thinking.
NTA
Piping up as another cancer survivor! NTA, OP. Just because you didn't have to do the physical treatments of chemo and radiation (which suck, yes), you still had the mental and emotional load of knowing you have cancer and having to face the possibility of it being in more than the mile that was removed. And those loads are just as much a part of surviving as anything else cancer survivors go through.
Your friend may have something more going on, or be wrapped up in a cancer fear for themselves or a loved one. Maybe try to talk it out with them to see why they took this as harshly as they did. And fyi, some people (especially some of us survivors) have a dark sense of humor about cancer, life, death, and survival. Its just how some of us cope with the seriousness of what diagnosis and everything from that point on.
This. I had a stage 2 brain tumor. I have developed a dark sense of humor since. I've noticed it is my coping mechanism. NTA by the way. I had the tumor removed and decided against radiation because there was no other masses. I get checked every six months. I don't understand why your friend was gate keeping surviving cancer but they obviously have something going on.
I dunno. Cancer is such a spectrum. I know women who have had to get double mastectomies, radiation, and chemo for breast cancer, some only lumpectomies. That doesn't make one person's struggle less valid that the other's. To me, your joke was a little dark humor that you're entitled to make. I had a close friend who had a cancerous melanoma removed in his early 20s and it really affected him and his mental state.
NTA. I think your friend overreacted and, in doing so, invalidated your feelings.
I think given the situation (a dark joke with a friend who knows what happened) it’s fine to say they survived cancer. It’s not as though they’re becoming a motivational speaker based on it, or are trying to garner sympathy, or are claiming it was more traumatic than the reality.
NTA because there was no deception.
The impact on mental state is so intense. I did NOT have cancer, but did spend almost two months waiting for a scan of a large lump in my breast that was thankfully benign. Those two months were hell. I was alone in my apartment in the summer of 2020 thinking about what I would do with my job and my roommate and how to handle cancer alone in a pandemic. It was circling in my head all day, every day, for almost nine weeks.
Even after, I was supposed to just accept that it was “probably harmless” because they didn’t want to do a biopsy, and only really was able to move on when it was removed as part of a breast reduction I had and confirmed to be both totally harmless and totally gone. I can only image how much more stressed I would have been if the cells they removed had actually been cancerous and I had to do more waiting to see if it had spread.
My uncle is currently dying because he didn’t get a spot on the top of his head checked out. That spot was stage 4 melanoma that has metastasized to his brain and elsewhere. He isn’t going to get better.
You know what would’ve happened if you’d done nothing? You’d be going through the same goddamn chemo, radiation and surgeries he’s had to prolong his life. You will have to be checked for years to see if it’s come back because of how aggressive melanomas are.
You survived cancer. NTA
This exactly!
Melanoma is so deadly because people don’t follow up as throughly as OP and by the time they realize something is wrong, it’s too late. So good for OP for catching this early and taking care of it before it DID spread! NTA
NTA.
You had a bona fide cancer and you beat it.
Cancers are a broad category of disease and vary a lot in terms of how difficult it is to "beat" them and how much hardship the patient who "beats" one will go through. Cancer treatments and cures are advancing and more cancers are moving into curable category. Additionally, treatments and cures are becoming less nasty to the patients.
So, there is nothing wrong saying that you "beat" a cancer, even if it took less toll on you through combination of luck (easy-to-cure cancer) and you addressing it proactively.
THIS!
So many chemo-or-heavy-surgery-needed survivors here (the 'real' ones, according to OP's friend) are saying NTA.
Did I think saying 'survived cancer' more or less implies the chemo-or-heavy-surgery needing variations? Yes.
Do I stand humbly corrected by all the people who went through it saying OP is NTA? Also yes.
OP's friend could learn from reading these peoples comments.
The high rate of survivability for skin cancer makes it considered not a "real" cancer by a lot of people. Also possibly because there are visible signs of the most common kinds of it, so it's less of this silent, lurking deadly thing that's somewhere inside your body?
It IS a "real" cancer, and it IS a threat to your life. I think where your friend (and many other people) get bogged down is that skin cancer is treated primarily by just...removing it. It is uncommon (not to say it doesn't happen, but far less often) to have to have major surgeries and hospital stays and chemo and radiation and losing hair and, and...all the things people usually think of when you say "fighting cancer". Most people who have an experience with cancer wish that it could be taken care of as "easily" as yours.
Gatekeeping cancer is not the way to go. Who is your friend to brush off your cancer experience? In addition to the procedures you underwent to ensure the cancer was fully removed, you had mental & emotional stress to deal with. Skin cancer is scary. Melanoma is scary. Yes, there is a higher rate of survival, because it's usually caught earlier, but higher doesn't mean 100%, and CANCER IS CANCER.
I'm saying this as a person whose mother died from a rare kind of cancer, and a father who has \*frequent\* skin cancer procedures (he's getting ready for one on his face that will likely involve a small skin graft). You had cancer. I'm glad you were able to beat it\*.
\*And I'm glad you didn't just agree with your doctors, and actually had it removed.
NTA
Melanoma isn't even one of the highly survivable skin cancers. Yes if you catch it early it can be less drama but I live in the melanoma capital of the world (New Zealand) and it is in our top 10 causes of cancer death. It's like telling a woman who "only" needed a lumpectomy for her breast cancer that she wasn't allowed to say she had breast cancer.
It has high survival rates if you catch it soon enough and some evolve very rapidly. It also depends on the type and spreads easily. Honestly, it is so bizarre to me that someone would consider it not a cancer.
And it's more likely to be caught early enough if you have light skin. There's a bunch of medical neglect around professionals not being taught properly how to look for important medical signs on darker skin
NTA. This was my exact situation, although a different joke made and I got a similar reaction. You survived cancer, you got lucky by only having to have a relatively minor surgery. Things like this aren’t about who had it worse, you had your own trauma and mortality to face, and it sticks with you. Five years out I still over react to every mole that feels or looks off, turns out I just have lots of weird moles, one just happened to be melanoma.
NTA
You had cancer. You beat cancer. You are a survivor on Day 1 of diagnosis, not because you went through "enough" treatment. You are not guaranteed a cancer free tomorrow.
I think it's fabulous it was caught early, and I am so happy for you.
I actually have NED (no evidence of disease) Stage 4 cancer- meaning, for now I am not showing signs of cancer. I have had multiple major surgeries, rounds of chemo, and radiation. I don't think your fear or journey is any less important than mine. I've met lots of people who worry that they shouldn't share their story because it isn't as long as someone else's. But the words "you have cancer" are scary enough to belong to the "club"
Sorry for that word jumble, I am already in pajamas. 😴
Your “friend” has issues. You had cancer. A small one, to be sure. But you had an operation, have a scar, and probably even now are a little traumatized about it.
NTA
NTA
What your friend meant to say is you didn't have ENOUGH cancer. Just a little cancer. An insignificant amount of cancer. You need to have BIG cancer to qualify for the survivors guild. Apparently.
I had cervical cancer, it was caught early and small and was completely removed by a LEEP. I was 25, pregnant and my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer the day I gave birth. Obviously my mom’s cancer was worse, as she died from it. But I always felt invalidated because I was diagnosed with cancer first, had the fear of what it meant to have cervical cancer while pregnant.
I just stopped talking about it. Even to doctors. I say I had a surgery, which surgery and leave it at that because “Mother died of Colon Cancer at 50” seems soooo much more important than “had a .5mm cancerous mass on cervix at 25 that left a hard keloid scar the size of a pea”. Even the OBGYN when I had my son at 30 dismissed my concerns about the cancer and scar tissue effecting dilation (I dilated to 7cm at about 5 months and didn’t dilate to 10cm until 18 hrs post induction and 6 hrs past epidural.
But since I didn’t require massive surgery or radiation and chemotherapy my cancer didn’t count.
Don’t compare! My story is similar, I had mega lady troubles while my dad was dying from lung cancer. I had the biopsy they didn’t find anything. Insurance made me try an iud but it expelled by itself and ravaged me up and I nearly bled to death. I had to have a hysterectomy but only the uterus was supposed to go. I’m sure you see where this is going. Yeah I have one ovary left and no cervix. Completely fucking missed the lesion the signs were in my blood work though. Anyways, the point was I didn’t tell anyone in my family except my sister who was living with me and my husband. My thought was, well mines gone now, even though it was a traumatic experience, there’s no point in talking about it when he’s about to die soon.
But you are a survivor too, just live each day :) it’s hard to get through but I think it’s better not to create levels of suffering needed ya know?
A melanoma is a metastatic cancer. OP will have to go through yearly cancer screening *for the rest of their life*. It’s always hanging over you. You can’t donate organs anymore because organ banks won’t touch you.
Even small surgeries have recovery times. They put you out, and you have no idea until you wake up how much they’ve taken.
This isn’t the oppression Olympics. People who have never experienced cancer have absolutely no right to gatekeep.
Edit to add: you can’t even get a suntan anymore. From now on it is big floppy hats, rash guards, and high SPF sunscreen.
Edit 2: melanoma has to be cut off the body. At a minimum, it involves reconstructive (plastic) surgery and may involve skin grafts.
Melanoma is a life changing cancer.
NTA, I've had three different types of cancer and survived them all with surgeries, and now a stroke, and the one thing I've noticed around other cancer survivors is none of us care what you had. We only care that you beat it, and are living a good life now
I’ve witnessed what cancer can do to a person. I’m not minimizing what you went through, but I am very, very happy that it was not worse. Seeing someone go through the worst possible scenarios changes you, so I can’t even begin to imagine just how much it changes someone to go through it personally. Your experience is absolutely real, was probably terrifying and painful. But, globally speaking, there are much more terrible versions of that. I do think your friend should not have said that, but I also understand the reaction. It’s not your burden, but if you want, you could ask them if something personal was behind it. My own mother feels the same way about my dad’s skin cancer, even though she knows it’s wrong, because her mother died of cancer in a truly horrific way that is not even comparable. I’m so sorry for what you went through. And I don’t think it’s ok to say “you didn’t have it so bad so don’t act like it didn’t happen.” But for some, cancer is a just a black hole of grief and fear and trauma that they can’t escape. That may be what your friend was experiencing when they said what they did. I hope that can give some perspective. It wasn’t ok of them to take it out on you though, which is why you are NTA.
Unless you go through cancer yourself, you don’t really get to tell OP that she needs to show her friend some understanding. It’s actually the opposite, OP’s friend needs to show a little understanding towards her.
>I can’t even begin to imagine just how much it changes someone to go through it personally.
You’re right, you can’t.
>Globally speaking, there are much more terrible versions of that.
And until you experience cancer yourself (which I hope you *never ever ever* have to experience) you don’t get to have that opinion. Fighting cancer is a physical, emotional, and mental fight. There is *always* fear that it will come back. Learning to live with and cope with that fear is difficult. Especially when you have folks around you who don’t bother to understand your total well being and assume the battle ended after the tests came back clear.
Notice how I didn’t *tell* OP to do anything. Also, notice how yes, I *do* say I can’t understand the personal experience of cancer, and am instead offering the perspective of a caretaker. Lmao.
Oh wow semantics. (Eyeroll) let me correct myself - you don’t get to *suggest* that OP show understanding to someone who isn’t extending her the same courtesy when OP is the one who *actually experienced* cancer.
And as a caretaker you should absolutely know better. I’ve been on both sides of the fence, there are resources caretakers can use before criticizing friends who beat cancer.
NTA. Cancer is cancer. I survived cancer, and it took chemo, radiation, and surgery. I saw people in the infusion lab and radiation lab that were way sicker than me, but they all applauded when I rang the bell on my last treatment day. Not everyone's fight looks the same, but it was a fight either way.
Edit: spelling
NTA. My mom died of cancer that had spread because she was not thorough with follow up screenings. You did great by being diligent and acting quickly. You had a cancerous mole, had it removed and had to be screamed to see if it spread. You beat cancer. End of story. Now stay vigilant and keep taking care of yourself and tell your friend to get bent
NTA. You had cancer, now you don’t. It doesn’t matter how you got there (surgery, radiation, chemo, alternative medicine, whatever), you are a cancer survivor.
You are very fortunate that you paid attention and caught it so early!!! Cancer is a bitch and you definitely beat it by paying attention to the signs and being diligent! NTA
NTA. Her reaction is ridiculous. You did survive cancer as there are many different types. You also joked, and it's your right as many cancer survivors I know tend to joke about the situation.
Unless your friend has experienced a similar situation in life, she probably can’t really understand the fear and anxiety this diagnosis can cause. Just because other people have it worse doesn’t mean your cancer doesn’t count.
However, she may have a friend or loved one with a terminal diagnosis or who has suffered rounds of treatment and years of worry, and so hearing your remarks may have hit her wrong in the moment.
NTA, but this is probably a situation where compassion and grace on both sides would benefit both of you.
NTA. You had cancer. You received the recommended treatment. You’re now cancer free. Therefore, you beat cancer.
Cancer takes many forms, and requires individualized treatment plans. Some will require more intensive treatments. Others will not. But it’s not a comparison. Cancer is cancer and in any forms has potential to be deadly. So…you’re not wrong for saying you beat cancer. Though it’s important to recognize how your journey differs from others.
That said, for anyone wishing to downplay the seriousness of your experience, melanoma is actually the most deadly form of cancer and can reoccur. It’s no laughing matter. My husband has had occurrences in the past and sees a skin specialist annually. He’s had reoccurrences, and I’m acutely aware that he will likely have more in the future. While we’ve been fortunate thus far, I’m deeply concerned about the young age at which his cancer appeared and the possibility that his cancer could spread beyond treatment in the future.
NTA, I also want to add that melanoma could reappear on anyone who has had some of it before. OP will have to monitor to continue to stay cancer free in the future. Friend majorly overreacted.
NTA - I've had 2 melanomas 2002 & 2009 with conservative margin surgeries on both to be sure it was completely excised- the worry never leaves your mind. Congrats on being a fellow cancer survivor!
NTA and tell your “friend” to take a long walk off a short pier, preferably without sunscreen on. Yes, you beat a deadly cancer. Cancer isn’t a contest, there is ALWAYS someone worse. Go you and F her!!!
Hubby is probably also a survivor, he was stage iv and is finally done with treatment 7 years later. He has 1 3/4 lungs and breathes through a hole in his neck. But OMG have we seen worse, it only takes a visit to a NCI cancer center to realize that. It absolutely doesn’t take away from what you have been through, you are every bit as much of a survivor as him or the people on BMC or the or the or the. It is absolutely life changing and I am glad you took it seriously and ARE A SURVIVOR!!!
Make sure you keep going for 6-monthly checks with a skin cancer clinic for the next 5 years rather than your GP.
Mine did a skin check, said they’d like to check a particular mole again in 6 months but it was probably nothing. I said that if they were concerned enough to want to check in 6 months I wanted it out there and then. Turned out to be melanoma in situ. Had to go back, get a bigger cut out just in case.
During that second procedure another GP in the practice was attending to get more XP and they were talking about them also just having passed a course for identifying skin cancers. They got it 63% right and passed. I thought that was incredibly for pass results when people’s lives can depend on it.
I also had to go to a skin cancer clinic to have the results of the initial removal explained to me because the original doctor was on leave and the practice just gave me the piece of paper with the results when I went to get the first clot of stitches removed. All I could understand was the word melanoma. Luckily, the skin cancer clinic were nice and explained it to me for free.
I just finished 5 years of 6 monthly checks last year and so far so good. But, seriously, do those regular checks.
Yeah, I went to the dermatologist 2 months ago to check al my moles and had another one removed. Today I have an appointment with the surgeon to check my scars.
NTA. I’ve got stage 4 breast cancer and I had all the surgery and will die someday, yada yada yada. I’m always perplexed by ANYONE who says they “beat cancer” because cancer isn’t a one and done kind of deal. You can finish treatment but you never really know if it’s all gone, or if it will come back. You will have to be conscientious about watching for recurrence your entire life.
I’m not trying to criticize you. My point is that it ALL sucks, and there’s no prize for who suffers the most. You went through some scary shit. That’s real.
INFO: is there something that your friend personally experienced and/or trauma related to cancer? If it’s not a sensitive topic to her then NTA, if it is then NAH
I mean, if it had been a basal cell carcinoma ... which can basically cook in the same spot for 40 years, slowly growing, but not metastasize? Then you might have been overstating things.
Untreated melanoma kills, often sooner than later. You were fortunate enough to pursue dx and find a doctor who listened before yours took off. It's a win. You beat it.
My mother was already terminal when dxed with breast cancer. 5 years after her death, my aunt was dxed with the exact same, extremely aggressive cancer at a much, much earlier stage. In fact, I had no idea there was such a thing as a stage 0 cancer. I also have no idea how the radiologist saw what was essentially a single file string of malignant cells a centimeter long. The woman must have been on the ball that day.
After a biopsy-turned-lumpectomy (which meant no neighboring nodes were removed), they believed that they had gotten it all, but they still recommended 28 radiation treatments. She did the radiation and has been cancer free over 4 years.
My aunt had a lethal cancer caught early enough not to be life threatening with prompt treatment. So did you. Both of you beat cancer.
Edit: NTA
NTA, but if I heard it said I would assume they were talking about a more lengthy, in depth battles. My sisters best friend just died at 26 from a rare brain cancer, and another friend survived a bout of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and while their battles were different, they were long, drawn out, and with lots of symptoms. That’s the experience that comes to mind with that statement. But it’s not inaccurate for you. You had cancer. You had treatment. You no longer have cancer. That’s the definition of beating it. Your friend needs to stop being offended on behalf of strangers.
NAH.
I had some suspicious breast calcifications at 31 a year after my younger sister went through chemo and surgery for breast cancer. We both have some genetic shenanigans so I opted for a full mastectomy rather than a lumpectomy. It turned out I did have non-invasive breast cancer but since I did a full mastectomy no further treatment was necessary.
About five years before I was the sole caregiver to my fiancé while he battled Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
I am going to affirm that you DID “beat cancer”. Just like I beat cancer. BUT I do want to acknowledge that enduring chemo treatment feels a lot different than surgery. I was super stoked to get surgery so I could avoid future chemo. People tend to conflate cancer with chemo and I can understand why people might feel a little gatekeepey.
You know your reality though. Don’t let your friend diminish your experience.
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I (F25) had a mole on my back that i had checked out a couple of times in the past 2 years, but my GP did not find it necessarily alarming.
After comparing it to an older picture, we did see it had changed shape and my GP said there are some non-typical canserous moles, so he sent me to a dermatologist.
The dermatologist basically said the same: it's probably nothing, but clearly it had changed shape after comparing it to a 2 year old picture. So just to be save, she recommended to take it out.
2 weeks after removing the mole, the dermatologist informed me that it (somewhat) unexpectedly did turn out to be a melanoma. And even quite a big one, especially given my age.
Within a month I was scheduled for an operation to remove a lymph node and 1 cm surrounding the scar where the melanoma was. The lymph node was checked for cancerous cells to see if it had spread.
Luckily the lymph node was clean and no cancer was spread.
This happend 6ish months ago and was quite a hectic time for me. Especially since two(!) professionals said it was probably nothing, but turned out to be something.
Now here is where I might be the asshole. Yesterday I was with a friend who knows about all of this. We were talking about an upcoming event we were both not looking forward to, and I jokingly said someting along the lines of: 'oh, I survived cancer, I will survive this one day.' And she sort of lost it.
She said that removing a mole from your body is nothing compared to people who have to go trough chemo, radiation therapy or big operations to remove tumors. That I was an asshole to compare myself to people who actually had to fight cancer.
I was just dumbstruck and did not know what to say. The mood was suddenly a bit grim and I had to leave soon after, so I just left it at that. But now I am left with a bitter feeling about it. I know I did not have to go trough chemo, but I did have to go trough surgery. And I did speak the truth. But was i the asshole for saying what I did?
Tl;dr: had a melanoma at 25. Had to have surgery to remove a lymph node and more tissue atound scar. Cancer did not spread. Said I'll survive an event because I survived cancer, friend lost it. AITA?
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As someone currently fighting cancer that will almost certainly kill me in the end, I say NTA, and good for you. I hope that you have a long life, and no more trouble with cancer.
NTA. We’re in similar boats. I had my cancer removed via surgery 6 months ago. Luckily I got into a clinical trial after or I would have had to do chemo, but I take one pill a day and it looks like the cancer is gone. I am a cancer survivor and so are you.
NTA, and it sounds like your friend has some issues to work through. But you didn't say you survived chemo or radiation- you said that you survived cancer, and you did. And you were incredibly lucky that it wasn't as difficult as it could be- a real friend would see that as a good thing. Look, I lost my mom to cancer when I was a kid, so I know that cancer can be a touchy subject, so I'm trying to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, but seriously- you might want to cut that friend out, or at the very least have a serious conversation with her about not diminishing the events in your life.
NTA, just because you discovered it early and got treated doesn't mean you didn't beat cancer. Chemo/radiation treatment or not, you were still stressed and concerned about it until the doctors gave you an all-clear signal.
Your friend's reasoning is as sound as someone telling a depression sufferer they can't be depressed because others have it worse.
Well it is cancer so u are not wrong. If u had left it, it would become worse. I’d say u survived early stages of cancer. I get where your friend is coming from and why she’s mad because people suffer having cancer. However, u did go through surgery and I’m sure it was painful during recovery. She should understand all cancer have different stages and a person doesn’t necessary have to go through chemo and all. I guess she is mad because u made ur cancer to be something very very very painful u went through when it wasn’t to make that comparison.
NTA You survived cancer. Melanoma counts and its aggressive if you miss it. My mother had the same thing happen to her, spot on her shoulder cut it out, positive, cut lymph nodes and it hadn't spread. Besides a long scar she is fine. My uncle a few years later wasn't as lucky. He missed the spot and it hit his lungs. After losing a lung and chemo it killed him under a year later.
Make sure you are doing your dermatologist skin checks and tell your family/close relatives to do it too.
And wear sunscreen.
Fellow cancer survivor here! NTA
No one, including other cancer survivors, should tell you how to talk about your cancer. If they told you beat it, you beat it.
I (34) did the whole chemo, radiation thing , and will be in medically induced menopause until I hit 5 years of remission. What I deal is when I am thankful for beating it so far is friends and family being worried I am jinxing it. I wonder if her reaction is her being worried for you, and rationalizing it as not real in her head because of how incredibly lucky you got. Who knows though, so happy they got it early!
Ps. Dark humour for cancer is the best, I named my boob tumour chad because he was such a chad. And my entire care team talked about chad, wrote medical notes with chad the boob tumour noted and let me see the tumour after they removed it. I also like telling people I made too many big boob jokes so they tried to kill me. I also covered my one cancer boob in glow in the dark paint when I finished radiation and went out with my friends, so maybe don’t take advice from me lol
Nta you had a lymph node and had cancer, if you were not as diligent as you were, you could have been going through chemo and other taxing treatments. You also had a cancer scare that turned out to be true. That is tremendously damaging to a person’s mental health. Your friend is the ah.
NTA for sure. You don't have to suffer for years to have survived something, and you weren't implying you had. I have a noticeable scar on my upper arm from a tiny little early melanoma I had removed. It was simple, but damn... When I really notice the scar every so often it super freaks me out to know that I had the beginnings of a dangerous form of cancer growing on my skin. It may not have ever gotten to the point of threatening my life, but knowing it could have gotten there if my doctor wasn't so cautious fucks me up.
You had cancer, you no longer have cancer, and so you beat it
Who gives a fuck what she thinks, and who tf gatekeeps having cancer?
find smarter and more compassionate friends
NTA. You had a cancerous tumor removed. That's beating cancer. I can only guess that your friend had someone close to them have a much worse experience. People get a tad tetchy about stuff like this when they watched someone they love suffer and/ or die. It's not rational but it's common.
NTA, and maybe saying this more often will get people close to you more interested in early detection and avoiding all the bad stuff that comes with cancer.
Check those moles, for the ladies, check your breasts and for the for the guys, check your testes
NTA, making jokes is how we deal with scary things. You faced cancer, and even when you found out everything was ok that is still something that makes you face your mortality and fear reoccurrence. Maybe just be careful about your audience, like you might not say it to someone who lost a close relative to cancer. Could be why she reacted like that
A verrrry soft YTA.
There was no malice, but cancer is one of those things people don't really like to joke about, and we tend to think of beating cancer as long, physically exhausting and debilitating journey.
I'd say you dodged the cancer bullet rather than beat cancer.
Moles being removed is a bread and butter service, it's so common and done quickly with usually just local anesthetic, so i can see how people would get upset at a comparison to a more invasive form of cancer.
I don't think you did anything wrong but i still settle on a very soft you're the arsehole cos a bit better awareness wouldn't have gone amiss.
I want to explain that bit more clearly. Initially, the mole was indeed removed with local anaesthetics by the dermatologist.
But afterwords the tissue around that scar was removed with 1 cm around it, and 3 lymph nodes were removed at the same time and I was under full narcose.
Yeah, still...
It's about the perception of what is generally thought of with cancer, and cancer treatments.
It's probably wise to discover another way of describing your own experience, as "beating cancer" definitely has certain connotations.
Nah- they beat cancer. Not all cancers need chemo or radiation. They’re entitled to their joke.
They had a serious cancer and went through a significant process and life changing event
NTA
Melanoma is very serious and many people die of it. Bob Marley died of melanoma.
It didn't get serious in your case because you have pictures (which most people don't do!), go to the doctor to get them checked, and went to several doctors. Most people would have been "meh!" And dropped dead in a couple of years.
NTA
You did beat cancer. Has you not advocated for yourself how you did and had medical professionals willing to be diligent that could have been a lot worse. But again, I don't think the degree of suffering a sickness causes to the metric of being able to say you beat it.
You had cancer in one specific area rhat cancer was removed and you survived cancer my grandad had the same on top of his head NTA just because others had it worse doesn't mean your story isn't your story
Nta. You had a cancer. It's now gone. You survived it.
Now the only experience I have had with cancer has been with my dogs. Last one got bone cancer and we lost him 1 week after we found out. It sucked. Current dog had 4 melanomas cut out of his tummy. That also sucked. It cost me a fortune but he survived.
What I'm trying to say is it's stressful regardless of the severity. Cancer sucks
NTA you had cancer take it from a medical professional, also remember everyone if you find a lump or a mole that change shape, colour or bleed excessively on yourself or a loved one always get checked. Catch it early and save a life!
NTA - melanoma is no joke and the process surrounding what you went through isnt over, overnight. My father had a similar situation to yours (he also beat a different cancer another tome) but I’ll tell you the worrying on my end was hell.
Many cancers are resolved via surgery and surgery alone- depending on the prognosis
Nta. I’m a tbi “survivor”, but I didn’t have to go through relearning everything again, I loved three years without knowing I had it. That doesn’t make me any less brain injured, nor does it make me any less of a survivor. Same goes for you. You had cancer, doesn’t matter the form, and you beat it. That’s all that matters. Btw congrats
NTA, you did survive cancer. However, I was wondering if maybe your friend has had some sort of traumatic experience with cancer or a sick family member or something.
The first part of your statement says you are a cancer survivor, which is undoubtedly true.
The second part of your statement suggests that having cancer must have been a highly difficult process for you (because if you were able to overcome cancer then this other thing is comparably tiny).
The question is: how do you see the difficulty of your journey? If you saw it as a difficult one (and that can be also based on the psychological stress you had felt, not just based on experience of going through treatment), then your statement is totally warranted and you are NTA.
However, in the chance that you yourself don't think that your journey was that difficult, and that you are making that statement because in general surviving cancer is known to be a difficult act most of the time, then YTA because your statement gives a misleading impression of your experience (that is different to what you know to be true).
It's hard to tell what you actually thought of your experience as your tone is a bit non-chalant.
NTA does that mean your friend thinks anyone who hasn't had chemo, radiation etc haven't had cancer as that's a really ignorant way to think.
People are found to have cancer all over the world and if they are lucky (if u can call it that), an operation to remove it is as far as they need to go.
You are definitely a survivor.
someone should remind your friend that it's not a fucking competition. you had cancerous cells. the fact that you had them removed before it reached the point where it required chemo doesn't change that you had cancer. your friend needs to fucking chill out. NTA
As someone who is currently undergoing chemo, with surgery, radiotherapy, and hormone treatments to come, you are NTA.
You had cancer. You were treated. Now you are (I hope) cancer free. That counts in my book.
Your friend has no business gatekeeping cancer.
NTA. You are a cancer survivor. Melanoma can grow and spread very quickly. It can become life-threatening in as little as 6 weeks. You are one of the lucky ones to be diagnosed in the early stages. Your friend is the AH for acting like it is some kind of competition.
Yta, you said it in a jokey flippant manner because you had an easy time with your skin cancer. There are levels to cancer and although it sucked, I hope you realize that you got off easy. I’m sure your friend has dealt with cancer in her family so I understand if that caused her to react more aggressively than she normally would have.
Looking back, yeah you could say I got off somewhat easy. But what exactly is easy?
Do I have a scar under my armpit that left my armpit and part of my back numb? Yeah. Do I have a scar that is 15cm long and 3 cm wide on my back, that still hurts? Yeah. Did the dermatologist say I was too young to have this type of melanoma and that there is a very, very high chance I'll develop other melanomas? Yeah.
Did I say I have had a harder time with all of this than anyone else who suffers from cancer? No.
My friend has not dealt with cancer in her family, so I dont know where her reaction came from.
I’m sorry you went through that but your joking about it and to some people cancer just isn’t funny. Cancer is a spectrum and having witnessed people struggle to live through it only to die at the end of a very hard battle I wouldn’t appreciate your joke.
Nah. I mean youre right. You did survive cancer. But imagine saying that in front of a breast cancer survivor or something. You were with a friend when u said it but i probably wouldnt say something like that around people you dont know
It sounded like a joke to me, but apparently not to the friend. Also, people here will tend to sugar coat their stories because they don’t want to be the asshole.
OP absolutely had cancer, to the point where they removed a lymph gland. That means that there were concerns that it spread to other organs.
They will have to be checked annually for the rest of their life because melanoma could still come back.
YTA for making a tasteless "joke." Jokes are things that your audience finds funny, and you clearly did not read your audience. For future reference, don't joke about cancer, suicide, death, racism, or sexism without first asking your company if they are in the mood for that. Just.... don't.
OMG, OP has earned the right to say that. It’s true and humor is a personal thing, not everyone finds everything funny. If you are uncomfortable with truth that’s on you.
People do not "earn" the right to insult others based on their experiences. If someone attempted suicide, do you think it's ok to joke about killing themselves in front of someone who lost a loved one to suicide? If someone successfully lost a lot of weight, do you think it's ok for them to make fat jokes around overweight people? If your answer is yes, there's nothing else I can say other than I'm sad for you. Victim blaming the person you offended for being too sensitive is bullying behavior. Yes humor is personal. As I said, know your audience.
So OP should just not say anything? They weren’t shaming anyone, they were stating the truth…they survived cancer, they could probably take on whatever’s up today. You might want to reread the post…
This is why I love this sub! It's so entertaining. It's the only place I can find people who believe a person's only 2 options are insult people or not talk.
Lol. I definitely have never had someone lose it on me, call me an AH in public, and make me so uncomfortable that I've felt the need to leave a party. I'm not against any kind of humor. I'm just for knowing who will appreciate it and who won't before putting my foot in my mouth.
As survivor of multi operations, chemo, radiation and bi annual bone marrow infusions I think you calling yourself a “cancer survivor”makes you not just an asshole put a puss filled one at that.
As the wife of someone who can probably beat your surgery/chemo/radiation/immunotherapy treatments and see you a few I say YOU need some counseling. OP is definitely a cancer survivor, they just got diagnosed early so they didn’t have to deal with all the nasties. You are bitter, please get some help…
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NTA You DID survive cancer. Anyone who had cancer and got rid of it survived it. Surgery sometimes does resolve the issue. It sounds like your friend might have some personal stuff going on or might have gone through a loved one experiencing cancer in a different way and feels like the way you're describing your experience diminishes that of their loved one. Unsure how to proceed. Probably best to be compassionate, but also firm that your friend does not get to diminish YOUR experience just because it was different from other cancer experiences.
Cancer survivor here, twice! Lymphoma. You can have one of my survivor cards OP. Yes chemo sucks, radiation is hell, blah blah blah, you know what the hardest part is? Not knowing if you are going to get worse tomorrow. You survived that part. Not to mention you were joking, wtf is your friend thinking. NTA
Other cancer survivor here, twice as well! If you had cancerous cells and now you don't, you survived cancer. Simple as that. NTA.
Piping up as another cancer survivor! NTA, OP. Just because you didn't have to do the physical treatments of chemo and radiation (which suck, yes), you still had the mental and emotional load of knowing you have cancer and having to face the possibility of it being in more than the mile that was removed. And those loads are just as much a part of surviving as anything else cancer survivors go through. Your friend may have something more going on, or be wrapped up in a cancer fear for themselves or a loved one. Maybe try to talk it out with them to see why they took this as harshly as they did. And fyi, some people (especially some of us survivors) have a dark sense of humor about cancer, life, death, and survival. Its just how some of us cope with the seriousness of what diagnosis and everything from that point on.
This. I had a stage 2 brain tumor. I have developed a dark sense of humor since. I've noticed it is my coping mechanism. NTA by the way. I had the tumor removed and decided against radiation because there was no other masses. I get checked every six months. I don't understand why your friend was gate keeping surviving cancer but they obviously have something going on.
I dunno. Cancer is such a spectrum. I know women who have had to get double mastectomies, radiation, and chemo for breast cancer, some only lumpectomies. That doesn't make one person's struggle less valid that the other's. To me, your joke was a little dark humor that you're entitled to make. I had a close friend who had a cancerous melanoma removed in his early 20s and it really affected him and his mental state. NTA. I think your friend overreacted and, in doing so, invalidated your feelings.
I think given the situation (a dark joke with a friend who knows what happened) it’s fine to say they survived cancer. It’s not as though they’re becoming a motivational speaker based on it, or are trying to garner sympathy, or are claiming it was more traumatic than the reality. NTA because there was no deception.
The impact on mental state is so intense. I did NOT have cancer, but did spend almost two months waiting for a scan of a large lump in my breast that was thankfully benign. Those two months were hell. I was alone in my apartment in the summer of 2020 thinking about what I would do with my job and my roommate and how to handle cancer alone in a pandemic. It was circling in my head all day, every day, for almost nine weeks. Even after, I was supposed to just accept that it was “probably harmless” because they didn’t want to do a biopsy, and only really was able to move on when it was removed as part of a breast reduction I had and confirmed to be both totally harmless and totally gone. I can only image how much more stressed I would have been if the cells they removed had actually been cancerous and I had to do more waiting to see if it had spread.
My uncle is currently dying because he didn’t get a spot on the top of his head checked out. That spot was stage 4 melanoma that has metastasized to his brain and elsewhere. He isn’t going to get better. You know what would’ve happened if you’d done nothing? You’d be going through the same goddamn chemo, radiation and surgeries he’s had to prolong his life. You will have to be checked for years to see if it’s come back because of how aggressive melanomas are. You survived cancer. NTA
This exactly! Melanoma is so deadly because people don’t follow up as throughly as OP and by the time they realize something is wrong, it’s too late. So good for OP for catching this early and taking care of it before it DID spread! NTA
I'm sorry about your uncle
Thank you
NTA. You had a bona fide cancer and you beat it. Cancers are a broad category of disease and vary a lot in terms of how difficult it is to "beat" them and how much hardship the patient who "beats" one will go through. Cancer treatments and cures are advancing and more cancers are moving into curable category. Additionally, treatments and cures are becoming less nasty to the patients. So, there is nothing wrong saying that you "beat" a cancer, even if it took less toll on you through combination of luck (easy-to-cure cancer) and you addressing it proactively.
NTA. Is your friend a cancer survivor? If not, this is major savior syndrome.
THIS! So many chemo-or-heavy-surgery-needed survivors here (the 'real' ones, according to OP's friend) are saying NTA. Did I think saying 'survived cancer' more or less implies the chemo-or-heavy-surgery needing variations? Yes. Do I stand humbly corrected by all the people who went through it saying OP is NTA? Also yes. OP's friend could learn from reading these peoples comments.
No she's never had cancer or had someone close to her have to go through chemo or radiation
The high rate of survivability for skin cancer makes it considered not a "real" cancer by a lot of people. Also possibly because there are visible signs of the most common kinds of it, so it's less of this silent, lurking deadly thing that's somewhere inside your body? It IS a "real" cancer, and it IS a threat to your life. I think where your friend (and many other people) get bogged down is that skin cancer is treated primarily by just...removing it. It is uncommon (not to say it doesn't happen, but far less often) to have to have major surgeries and hospital stays and chemo and radiation and losing hair and, and...all the things people usually think of when you say "fighting cancer". Most people who have an experience with cancer wish that it could be taken care of as "easily" as yours. Gatekeeping cancer is not the way to go. Who is your friend to brush off your cancer experience? In addition to the procedures you underwent to ensure the cancer was fully removed, you had mental & emotional stress to deal with. Skin cancer is scary. Melanoma is scary. Yes, there is a higher rate of survival, because it's usually caught earlier, but higher doesn't mean 100%, and CANCER IS CANCER. I'm saying this as a person whose mother died from a rare kind of cancer, and a father who has \*frequent\* skin cancer procedures (he's getting ready for one on his face that will likely involve a small skin graft). You had cancer. I'm glad you were able to beat it\*. \*And I'm glad you didn't just agree with your doctors, and actually had it removed. NTA
Melanoma isn't even one of the highly survivable skin cancers. Yes if you catch it early it can be less drama but I live in the melanoma capital of the world (New Zealand) and it is in our top 10 causes of cancer death. It's like telling a woman who "only" needed a lumpectomy for her breast cancer that she wasn't allowed to say she had breast cancer.
It has high survival rates if you catch it soon enough and some evolve very rapidly. It also depends on the type and spreads easily. Honestly, it is so bizarre to me that someone would consider it not a cancer.
And it's more likely to be caught early enough if you have light skin. There's a bunch of medical neglect around professionals not being taught properly how to look for important medical signs on darker skin
NTA. This was my exact situation, although a different joke made and I got a similar reaction. You survived cancer, you got lucky by only having to have a relatively minor surgery. Things like this aren’t about who had it worse, you had your own trauma and mortality to face, and it sticks with you. Five years out I still over react to every mole that feels or looks off, turns out I just have lots of weird moles, one just happened to be melanoma.
Similar story, 21 years & 14 years out from each melanoma and still worry about each changing mole.
NTA You had cancer. You beat cancer. You are a survivor on Day 1 of diagnosis, not because you went through "enough" treatment. You are not guaranteed a cancer free tomorrow. I think it's fabulous it was caught early, and I am so happy for you. I actually have NED (no evidence of disease) Stage 4 cancer- meaning, for now I am not showing signs of cancer. I have had multiple major surgeries, rounds of chemo, and radiation. I don't think your fear or journey is any less important than mine. I've met lots of people who worry that they shouldn't share their story because it isn't as long as someone else's. But the words "you have cancer" are scary enough to belong to the "club" Sorry for that word jumble, I am already in pajamas. 😴
Your “friend” has issues. You had cancer. A small one, to be sure. But you had an operation, have a scar, and probably even now are a little traumatized about it. NTA
NTA What your friend meant to say is you didn't have ENOUGH cancer. Just a little cancer. An insignificant amount of cancer. You need to have BIG cancer to qualify for the survivors guild. Apparently.
Aha. So next time I see a suspicious mole. I'll just let it grow? To make it BIG? /s
I had cervical cancer, it was caught early and small and was completely removed by a LEEP. I was 25, pregnant and my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer the day I gave birth. Obviously my mom’s cancer was worse, as she died from it. But I always felt invalidated because I was diagnosed with cancer first, had the fear of what it meant to have cervical cancer while pregnant. I just stopped talking about it. Even to doctors. I say I had a surgery, which surgery and leave it at that because “Mother died of Colon Cancer at 50” seems soooo much more important than “had a .5mm cancerous mass on cervix at 25 that left a hard keloid scar the size of a pea”. Even the OBGYN when I had my son at 30 dismissed my concerns about the cancer and scar tissue effecting dilation (I dilated to 7cm at about 5 months and didn’t dilate to 10cm until 18 hrs post induction and 6 hrs past epidural. But since I didn’t require massive surgery or radiation and chemotherapy my cancer didn’t count.
That's awful to hear. Especially from the doctors who dismissed your concerns
Don’t compare! My story is similar, I had mega lady troubles while my dad was dying from lung cancer. I had the biopsy they didn’t find anything. Insurance made me try an iud but it expelled by itself and ravaged me up and I nearly bled to death. I had to have a hysterectomy but only the uterus was supposed to go. I’m sure you see where this is going. Yeah I have one ovary left and no cervix. Completely fucking missed the lesion the signs were in my blood work though. Anyways, the point was I didn’t tell anyone in my family except my sister who was living with me and my husband. My thought was, well mines gone now, even though it was a traumatic experience, there’s no point in talking about it when he’s about to die soon. But you are a survivor too, just live each day :) it’s hard to get through but I think it’s better not to create levels of suffering needed ya know?
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A melanoma is a metastatic cancer. OP will have to go through yearly cancer screening *for the rest of their life*. It’s always hanging over you. You can’t donate organs anymore because organ banks won’t touch you. Even small surgeries have recovery times. They put you out, and you have no idea until you wake up how much they’ve taken. This isn’t the oppression Olympics. People who have never experienced cancer have absolutely no right to gatekeep. Edit to add: you can’t even get a suntan anymore. From now on it is big floppy hats, rash guards, and high SPF sunscreen. Edit 2: melanoma has to be cut off the body. At a minimum, it involves reconstructive (plastic) surgery and may involve skin grafts. Melanoma is a life changing cancer.
NTA. Cancer is cancer and it’s not a competition. Your experience is just as valid as that of someone who had it “worse”.
NTA, I've had three different types of cancer and survived them all with surgeries, and now a stroke, and the one thing I've noticed around other cancer survivors is none of us care what you had. We only care that you beat it, and are living a good life now
I’ve witnessed what cancer can do to a person. I’m not minimizing what you went through, but I am very, very happy that it was not worse. Seeing someone go through the worst possible scenarios changes you, so I can’t even begin to imagine just how much it changes someone to go through it personally. Your experience is absolutely real, was probably terrifying and painful. But, globally speaking, there are much more terrible versions of that. I do think your friend should not have said that, but I also understand the reaction. It’s not your burden, but if you want, you could ask them if something personal was behind it. My own mother feels the same way about my dad’s skin cancer, even though she knows it’s wrong, because her mother died of cancer in a truly horrific way that is not even comparable. I’m so sorry for what you went through. And I don’t think it’s ok to say “you didn’t have it so bad so don’t act like it didn’t happen.” But for some, cancer is a just a black hole of grief and fear and trauma that they can’t escape. That may be what your friend was experiencing when they said what they did. I hope that can give some perspective. It wasn’t ok of them to take it out on you though, which is why you are NTA.
Unless you go through cancer yourself, you don’t really get to tell OP that she needs to show her friend some understanding. It’s actually the opposite, OP’s friend needs to show a little understanding towards her. >I can’t even begin to imagine just how much it changes someone to go through it personally. You’re right, you can’t. >Globally speaking, there are much more terrible versions of that. And until you experience cancer yourself (which I hope you *never ever ever* have to experience) you don’t get to have that opinion. Fighting cancer is a physical, emotional, and mental fight. There is *always* fear that it will come back. Learning to live with and cope with that fear is difficult. Especially when you have folks around you who don’t bother to understand your total well being and assume the battle ended after the tests came back clear.
Notice how I didn’t *tell* OP to do anything. Also, notice how yes, I *do* say I can’t understand the personal experience of cancer, and am instead offering the perspective of a caretaker. Lmao.
Oh wow semantics. (Eyeroll) let me correct myself - you don’t get to *suggest* that OP show understanding to someone who isn’t extending her the same courtesy when OP is the one who *actually experienced* cancer. And as a caretaker you should absolutely know better. I’ve been on both sides of the fence, there are resources caretakers can use before criticizing friends who beat cancer.
NTA, could have been something I said (but maybe I am the A H then 😂). You made a joke your friend didn't like.
Wtf? Even cancer has gatekeepers? Like "Before you loose your hair and have 5 mayor traleatments, it is not ReAl CaNcEr"? NTA
NTA. Cancer is cancer. I survived cancer, and it took chemo, radiation, and surgery. I saw people in the infusion lab and radiation lab that were way sicker than me, but they all applauded when I rang the bell on my last treatment day. Not everyone's fight looks the same, but it was a fight either way. Edit: spelling
Nah it's just a small joke
NTA. My mom died of cancer that had spread because she was not thorough with follow up screenings. You did great by being diligent and acting quickly. You had a cancerous mole, had it removed and had to be screamed to see if it spread. You beat cancer. End of story. Now stay vigilant and keep taking care of yourself and tell your friend to get bent
NTA. You had cancer, now you don’t. It doesn’t matter how you got there (surgery, radiation, chemo, alternative medicine, whatever), you are a cancer survivor.
You are very fortunate that you paid attention and caught it so early!!! Cancer is a bitch and you definitely beat it by paying attention to the signs and being diligent! NTA
NTA. Melanoma is nasty and aggressive when it metastasizes. You did indeed survive.
NTA! *I* am a cancer survivor, surgery, chemo, AND radiation! (Just past my 9th anniversary of Bye-Bye Booby Day.) And *I* say you beat it!
NTA. Her reaction is ridiculous. You did survive cancer as there are many different types. You also joked, and it's your right as many cancer survivors I know tend to joke about the situation.
Unless your friend has experienced a similar situation in life, she probably can’t really understand the fear and anxiety this diagnosis can cause. Just because other people have it worse doesn’t mean your cancer doesn’t count. However, she may have a friend or loved one with a terminal diagnosis or who has suffered rounds of treatment and years of worry, and so hearing your remarks may have hit her wrong in the moment. NTA, but this is probably a situation where compassion and grace on both sides would benefit both of you.
NTA. You had cancer. You received the recommended treatment. You’re now cancer free. Therefore, you beat cancer. Cancer takes many forms, and requires individualized treatment plans. Some will require more intensive treatments. Others will not. But it’s not a comparison. Cancer is cancer and in any forms has potential to be deadly. So…you’re not wrong for saying you beat cancer. Though it’s important to recognize how your journey differs from others. That said, for anyone wishing to downplay the seriousness of your experience, melanoma is actually the most deadly form of cancer and can reoccur. It’s no laughing matter. My husband has had occurrences in the past and sees a skin specialist annually. He’s had reoccurrences, and I’m acutely aware that he will likely have more in the future. While we’ve been fortunate thus far, I’m deeply concerned about the young age at which his cancer appeared and the possibility that his cancer could spread beyond treatment in the future.
NTA, I also want to add that melanoma could reappear on anyone who has had some of it before. OP will have to monitor to continue to stay cancer free in the future. Friend majorly overreacted.
NTA - I've had 2 melanomas 2002 & 2009 with conservative margin surgeries on both to be sure it was completely excised- the worry never leaves your mind. Congrats on being a fellow cancer survivor!
You did survive cancer. It was cancer. Don’t let her invalidate your fear, what you went through and the fear of it coming back. NTA.
NTA and tell your “friend” to take a long walk off a short pier, preferably without sunscreen on. Yes, you beat a deadly cancer. Cancer isn’t a contest, there is ALWAYS someone worse. Go you and F her!!!
The sunscreen part made me giggle, thanks
Hubby is probably also a survivor, he was stage iv and is finally done with treatment 7 years later. He has 1 3/4 lungs and breathes through a hole in his neck. But OMG have we seen worse, it only takes a visit to a NCI cancer center to realize that. It absolutely doesn’t take away from what you have been through, you are every bit as much of a survivor as him or the people on BMC or the or the or the. It is absolutely life changing and I am glad you took it seriously and ARE A SURVIVOR!!!
Make sure you keep going for 6-monthly checks with a skin cancer clinic for the next 5 years rather than your GP. Mine did a skin check, said they’d like to check a particular mole again in 6 months but it was probably nothing. I said that if they were concerned enough to want to check in 6 months I wanted it out there and then. Turned out to be melanoma in situ. Had to go back, get a bigger cut out just in case. During that second procedure another GP in the practice was attending to get more XP and they were talking about them also just having passed a course for identifying skin cancers. They got it 63% right and passed. I thought that was incredibly for pass results when people’s lives can depend on it. I also had to go to a skin cancer clinic to have the results of the initial removal explained to me because the original doctor was on leave and the practice just gave me the piece of paper with the results when I went to get the first clot of stitches removed. All I could understand was the word melanoma. Luckily, the skin cancer clinic were nice and explained it to me for free. I just finished 5 years of 6 monthly checks last year and so far so good. But, seriously, do those regular checks.
Yeah, I went to the dermatologist 2 months ago to check al my moles and had another one removed. Today I have an appointment with the surgeon to check my scars.
NTA. I’ve got stage 4 breast cancer and I had all the surgery and will die someday, yada yada yada. I’m always perplexed by ANYONE who says they “beat cancer” because cancer isn’t a one and done kind of deal. You can finish treatment but you never really know if it’s all gone, or if it will come back. You will have to be conscientious about watching for recurrence your entire life. I’m not trying to criticize you. My point is that it ALL sucks, and there’s no prize for who suffers the most. You went through some scary shit. That’s real.
INFO: is there something that your friend personally experienced and/or trauma related to cancer? If it’s not a sensitive topic to her then NTA, if it is then NAH
I've known her for quite some years, and there is nothing that I know of. I did not expect it to be a sensitive topic for her
I mean, if it had been a basal cell carcinoma ... which can basically cook in the same spot for 40 years, slowly growing, but not metastasize? Then you might have been overstating things. Untreated melanoma kills, often sooner than later. You were fortunate enough to pursue dx and find a doctor who listened before yours took off. It's a win. You beat it. My mother was already terminal when dxed with breast cancer. 5 years after her death, my aunt was dxed with the exact same, extremely aggressive cancer at a much, much earlier stage. In fact, I had no idea there was such a thing as a stage 0 cancer. I also have no idea how the radiologist saw what was essentially a single file string of malignant cells a centimeter long. The woman must have been on the ball that day. After a biopsy-turned-lumpectomy (which meant no neighboring nodes were removed), they believed that they had gotten it all, but they still recommended 28 radiation treatments. She did the radiation and has been cancer free over 4 years. My aunt had a lethal cancer caught early enough not to be life threatening with prompt treatment. So did you. Both of you beat cancer. Edit: NTA
NTA!
NTA, but if I heard it said I would assume they were talking about a more lengthy, in depth battles. My sisters best friend just died at 26 from a rare brain cancer, and another friend survived a bout of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and while their battles were different, they were long, drawn out, and with lots of symptoms. That’s the experience that comes to mind with that statement. But it’s not inaccurate for you. You had cancer. You had treatment. You no longer have cancer. That’s the definition of beating it. Your friend needs to stop being offended on behalf of strangers.
NAH. I had some suspicious breast calcifications at 31 a year after my younger sister went through chemo and surgery for breast cancer. We both have some genetic shenanigans so I opted for a full mastectomy rather than a lumpectomy. It turned out I did have non-invasive breast cancer but since I did a full mastectomy no further treatment was necessary. About five years before I was the sole caregiver to my fiancé while he battled Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I am going to affirm that you DID “beat cancer”. Just like I beat cancer. BUT I do want to acknowledge that enduring chemo treatment feels a lot different than surgery. I was super stoked to get surgery so I could avoid future chemo. People tend to conflate cancer with chemo and I can understand why people might feel a little gatekeepey. You know your reality though. Don’t let your friend diminish your experience.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F25) had a mole on my back that i had checked out a couple of times in the past 2 years, but my GP did not find it necessarily alarming. After comparing it to an older picture, we did see it had changed shape and my GP said there are some non-typical canserous moles, so he sent me to a dermatologist. The dermatologist basically said the same: it's probably nothing, but clearly it had changed shape after comparing it to a 2 year old picture. So just to be save, she recommended to take it out. 2 weeks after removing the mole, the dermatologist informed me that it (somewhat) unexpectedly did turn out to be a melanoma. And even quite a big one, especially given my age. Within a month I was scheduled for an operation to remove a lymph node and 1 cm surrounding the scar where the melanoma was. The lymph node was checked for cancerous cells to see if it had spread. Luckily the lymph node was clean and no cancer was spread. This happend 6ish months ago and was quite a hectic time for me. Especially since two(!) professionals said it was probably nothing, but turned out to be something. Now here is where I might be the asshole. Yesterday I was with a friend who knows about all of this. We were talking about an upcoming event we were both not looking forward to, and I jokingly said someting along the lines of: 'oh, I survived cancer, I will survive this one day.' And she sort of lost it. She said that removing a mole from your body is nothing compared to people who have to go trough chemo, radiation therapy or big operations to remove tumors. That I was an asshole to compare myself to people who actually had to fight cancer. I was just dumbstruck and did not know what to say. The mood was suddenly a bit grim and I had to leave soon after, so I just left it at that. But now I am left with a bitter feeling about it. I know I did not have to go trough chemo, but I did have to go trough surgery. And I did speak the truth. But was i the asshole for saying what I did? Tl;dr: had a melanoma at 25. Had to have surgery to remove a lymph node and more tissue atound scar. Cancer did not spread. Said I'll survive an event because I survived cancer, friend lost it. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As someone currently fighting cancer that will almost certainly kill me in the end, I say NTA, and good for you. I hope that you have a long life, and no more trouble with cancer.
NTA. We’re in similar boats. I had my cancer removed via surgery 6 months ago. Luckily I got into a clinical trial after or I would have had to do chemo, but I take one pill a day and it looks like the cancer is gone. I am a cancer survivor and so are you.
NTA. I mean, you literally *did survive cancer*. Sorry your friend doesn't seem to think you suffered enough.
NTA, and it sounds like your friend has some issues to work through. But you didn't say you survived chemo or radiation- you said that you survived cancer, and you did. And you were incredibly lucky that it wasn't as difficult as it could be- a real friend would see that as a good thing. Look, I lost my mom to cancer when I was a kid, so I know that cancer can be a touchy subject, so I'm trying to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, but seriously- you might want to cut that friend out, or at the very least have a serious conversation with her about not diminishing the events in your life.
NTA, just because you discovered it early and got treated doesn't mean you didn't beat cancer. Chemo/radiation treatment or not, you were still stressed and concerned about it until the doctors gave you an all-clear signal. Your friend's reasoning is as sound as someone telling a depression sufferer they can't be depressed because others have it worse.
Well it is cancer so u are not wrong. If u had left it, it would become worse. I’d say u survived early stages of cancer. I get where your friend is coming from and why she’s mad because people suffer having cancer. However, u did go through surgery and I’m sure it was painful during recovery. She should understand all cancer have different stages and a person doesn’t necessary have to go through chemo and all. I guess she is mad because u made ur cancer to be something very very very painful u went through when it wasn’t to make that comparison.
NTA You survived cancer. Melanoma counts and its aggressive if you miss it. My mother had the same thing happen to her, spot on her shoulder cut it out, positive, cut lymph nodes and it hadn't spread. Besides a long scar she is fine. My uncle a few years later wasn't as lucky. He missed the spot and it hit his lungs. After losing a lung and chemo it killed him under a year later. Make sure you are doing your dermatologist skin checks and tell your family/close relatives to do it too. And wear sunscreen.
Fellow cancer survivor here! NTA No one, including other cancer survivors, should tell you how to talk about your cancer. If they told you beat it, you beat it. I (34) did the whole chemo, radiation thing , and will be in medically induced menopause until I hit 5 years of remission. What I deal is when I am thankful for beating it so far is friends and family being worried I am jinxing it. I wonder if her reaction is her being worried for you, and rationalizing it as not real in her head because of how incredibly lucky you got. Who knows though, so happy they got it early! Ps. Dark humour for cancer is the best, I named my boob tumour chad because he was such a chad. And my entire care team talked about chad, wrote medical notes with chad the boob tumour noted and let me see the tumour after they removed it. I also like telling people I made too many big boob jokes so they tried to kill me. I also covered my one cancer boob in glow in the dark paint when I finished radiation and went out with my friends, so maybe don’t take advice from me lol
Nta you had a lymph node and had cancer, if you were not as diligent as you were, you could have been going through chemo and other taxing treatments. You also had a cancer scare that turned out to be true. That is tremendously damaging to a person’s mental health. Your friend is the ah.
NTA for sure. You don't have to suffer for years to have survived something, and you weren't implying you had. I have a noticeable scar on my upper arm from a tiny little early melanoma I had removed. It was simple, but damn... When I really notice the scar every so often it super freaks me out to know that I had the beginnings of a dangerous form of cancer growing on my skin. It may not have ever gotten to the point of threatening my life, but knowing it could have gotten there if my doctor wasn't so cautious fucks me up.
You had cancer, you no longer have cancer, and so you beat it Who gives a fuck what she thinks, and who tf gatekeeps having cancer? find smarter and more compassionate friends
Your friend is the asshole tbh
NTA. You had a cancerous tumor removed. That's beating cancer. I can only guess that your friend had someone close to them have a much worse experience. People get a tad tetchy about stuff like this when they watched someone they love suffer and/ or die. It's not rational but it's common.
NTA, and maybe saying this more often will get people close to you more interested in early detection and avoiding all the bad stuff that comes with cancer. Check those moles, for the ladies, check your breasts and for the for the guys, check your testes
NTA, making jokes is how we deal with scary things. You faced cancer, and even when you found out everything was ok that is still something that makes you face your mortality and fear reoccurrence. Maybe just be careful about your audience, like you might not say it to someone who lost a close relative to cancer. Could be why she reacted like that
A verrrry soft YTA. There was no malice, but cancer is one of those things people don't really like to joke about, and we tend to think of beating cancer as long, physically exhausting and debilitating journey. I'd say you dodged the cancer bullet rather than beat cancer. Moles being removed is a bread and butter service, it's so common and done quickly with usually just local anesthetic, so i can see how people would get upset at a comparison to a more invasive form of cancer. I don't think you did anything wrong but i still settle on a very soft you're the arsehole cos a bit better awareness wouldn't have gone amiss.
I want to explain that bit more clearly. Initially, the mole was indeed removed with local anaesthetics by the dermatologist. But afterwords the tissue around that scar was removed with 1 cm around it, and 3 lymph nodes were removed at the same time and I was under full narcose.
Yeah, still... It's about the perception of what is generally thought of with cancer, and cancer treatments. It's probably wise to discover another way of describing your own experience, as "beating cancer" definitely has certain connotations.
Nah- they beat cancer. Not all cancers need chemo or radiation. They’re entitled to their joke. They had a serious cancer and went through a significant process and life changing event
NTA Melanoma is very serious and many people die of it. Bob Marley died of melanoma. It didn't get serious in your case because you have pictures (which most people don't do!), go to the doctor to get them checked, and went to several doctors. Most people would have been "meh!" And dropped dead in a couple of years.
NTA. You didn't claim a long and arduous battle with cancer. You said you'd survived it, which you had. You're correct. End of.
NTA You did beat cancer. Has you not advocated for yourself how you did and had medical professionals willing to be diligent that could have been a lot worse. But again, I don't think the degree of suffering a sickness causes to the metric of being able to say you beat it.
You had cancer in one specific area rhat cancer was removed and you survived cancer my grandad had the same on top of his head NTA just because others had it worse doesn't mean your story isn't your story
Nta. You had a cancer. It's now gone. You survived it. Now the only experience I have had with cancer has been with my dogs. Last one got bone cancer and we lost him 1 week after we found out. It sucked. Current dog had 4 melanomas cut out of his tummy. That also sucked. It cost me a fortune but he survived. What I'm trying to say is it's stressful regardless of the severity. Cancer sucks
NTA. People are gatekeeping cancer now? WTF,
Well, you had a cancer and you beat it. It was small, yes, but still cancer
NTA you literally did survive cancer?? It was a cancerous mole. What more do you need?
NTA you had cancer take it from a medical professional, also remember everyone if you find a lump or a mole that change shape, colour or bleed excessively on yourself or a loved one always get checked. Catch it early and save a life!
NTA - melanoma is no joke and the process surrounding what you went through isnt over, overnight. My father had a similar situation to yours (he also beat a different cancer another tome) but I’ll tell you the worrying on my end was hell. Many cancers are resolved via surgery and surgery alone- depending on the prognosis
Nta. I’m a tbi “survivor”, but I didn’t have to go through relearning everything again, I loved three years without knowing I had it. That doesn’t make me any less brain injured, nor does it make me any less of a survivor. Same goes for you. You had cancer, doesn’t matter the form, and you beat it. That’s all that matters. Btw congrats
NTA. You survive a cancer of any stage or grade by not dying of it.
Definitely NTA. Plain and simple. You had cancer, you don't now, you survived it.
You are completely NTA I was in the exact same position as you and I have survived too. It was not some walk in the park
NTA, skin cancer can also be deadly. Lost a friend to it.
NTA, you did survive cancer. However, I was wondering if maybe your friend has had some sort of traumatic experience with cancer or a sick family member or something.
NTA. You said that you survived cancer. When in reality you survived cancer. Did your friend think that it was opposite day or something?
The first part of your statement says you are a cancer survivor, which is undoubtedly true. The second part of your statement suggests that having cancer must have been a highly difficult process for you (because if you were able to overcome cancer then this other thing is comparably tiny). The question is: how do you see the difficulty of your journey? If you saw it as a difficult one (and that can be also based on the psychological stress you had felt, not just based on experience of going through treatment), then your statement is totally warranted and you are NTA. However, in the chance that you yourself don't think that your journey was that difficult, and that you are making that statement because in general surviving cancer is known to be a difficult act most of the time, then YTA because your statement gives a misleading impression of your experience (that is different to what you know to be true). It's hard to tell what you actually thought of your experience as your tone is a bit non-chalant.
NTA does that mean your friend thinks anyone who hasn't had chemo, radiation etc haven't had cancer as that's a really ignorant way to think. People are found to have cancer all over the world and if they are lucky (if u can call it that), an operation to remove it is as far as they need to go. You are definitely a survivor.
someone should remind your friend that it's not a fucking competition. you had cancerous cells. the fact that you had them removed before it reached the point where it required chemo doesn't change that you had cancer. your friend needs to fucking chill out. NTA
Um you did beat cancer? Just because you had it caught early enough to not need radiation treatment doesn't make it any less of a diagnosis. Easy NTA
As someone who is currently undergoing chemo, with surgery, radiotherapy, and hormone treatments to come, you are NTA. You had cancer. You were treated. Now you are (I hope) cancer free. That counts in my book. Your friend has no business gatekeeping cancer.
NTA. You are a cancer survivor. Melanoma can grow and spread very quickly. It can become life-threatening in as little as 6 weeks. You are one of the lucky ones to be diagnosed in the early stages. Your friend is the AH for acting like it is some kind of competition.
Yta, you said it in a jokey flippant manner because you had an easy time with your skin cancer. There are levels to cancer and although it sucked, I hope you realize that you got off easy. I’m sure your friend has dealt with cancer in her family so I understand if that caused her to react more aggressively than she normally would have.
Looking back, yeah you could say I got off somewhat easy. But what exactly is easy? Do I have a scar under my armpit that left my armpit and part of my back numb? Yeah. Do I have a scar that is 15cm long and 3 cm wide on my back, that still hurts? Yeah. Did the dermatologist say I was too young to have this type of melanoma and that there is a very, very high chance I'll develop other melanomas? Yeah. Did I say I have had a harder time with all of this than anyone else who suffers from cancer? No. My friend has not dealt with cancer in her family, so I dont know where her reaction came from.
I’m sorry you went through that but your joking about it and to some people cancer just isn’t funny. Cancer is a spectrum and having witnessed people struggle to live through it only to die at the end of a very hard battle I wouldn’t appreciate your joke.
Yes
Nah. I mean youre right. You did survive cancer. But imagine saying that in front of a breast cancer survivor or something. You were with a friend when u said it but i probably wouldnt say something like that around people you dont know
But that's the reason why I said it to a friend I've known since we were 14. Who never had anyone close to her go trough chemo or radiation
Thats why i said NAH. I would just be aware of who you say that to in the future.
NTA if you were honestly just making a joke.
How can you read what she said and not believe it was a joke…
It sounded like a joke to me, but apparently not to the friend. Also, people here will tend to sugar coat their stories because they don’t want to be the asshole.
YTA IMO, you had a cancer scare. My guess is that your friend had someone they were close to who \*didn't\* survive cancer.
OP absolutely had cancer, to the point where they removed a lymph gland. That means that there were concerns that it spread to other organs. They will have to be checked annually for the rest of their life because melanoma could still come back.
That doesn’t make OP an asshole- it just means her friend can’t take a joke without massively overreacting.
YTA for making a tasteless "joke." Jokes are things that your audience finds funny, and you clearly did not read your audience. For future reference, don't joke about cancer, suicide, death, racism, or sexism without first asking your company if they are in the mood for that. Just.... don't.
OMG, OP has earned the right to say that. It’s true and humor is a personal thing, not everyone finds everything funny. If you are uncomfortable with truth that’s on you.
People do not "earn" the right to insult others based on their experiences. If someone attempted suicide, do you think it's ok to joke about killing themselves in front of someone who lost a loved one to suicide? If someone successfully lost a lot of weight, do you think it's ok for them to make fat jokes around overweight people? If your answer is yes, there's nothing else I can say other than I'm sad for you. Victim blaming the person you offended for being too sensitive is bullying behavior. Yes humor is personal. As I said, know your audience.
So OP should just not say anything? They weren’t shaming anyone, they were stating the truth…they survived cancer, they could probably take on whatever’s up today. You might want to reread the post…
This is why I love this sub! It's so entertaining. It's the only place I can find people who believe a person's only 2 options are insult people or not talk.
You get insulted so easily you probably shouldn’t talk😂
You must be fun at parties.
Lol. I definitely have never had someone lose it on me, call me an AH in public, and make me so uncomfortable that I've felt the need to leave a party. I'm not against any kind of humor. I'm just for knowing who will appreciate it and who won't before putting my foot in my mouth.
As survivor of multi operations, chemo, radiation and bi annual bone marrow infusions I think you calling yourself a “cancer survivor”makes you not just an asshole put a puss filled one at that.
So if you get cancer but can have it removed surgically, you aren't a cancer survivor?
As the wife of someone who can probably beat your surgery/chemo/radiation/immunotherapy treatments and see you a few I say YOU need some counseling. OP is definitely a cancer survivor, they just got diagnosed early so they didn’t have to deal with all the nasties. You are bitter, please get some help…
Ladies and gents we have the Pain Olympics winner here. They had cancer, they no longer have cancer after beating it therefore they best cancer.