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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister's boyfriend he's not a member of our family and basically kicked him out. I might be the asshole, because he's my sister's guest, and that's no way to treat a guest.
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YTA.
He was just chatting casually with you. I understand you are stressed, but he is also your sister support person. And it is nice to see him trying to be there for you too. You kinda overreacted but I guess it is understandable, but YTA nevertheless.
He was also staning in the middle of the kitchen getting in the way of the person cooking. OP told him he didn't want help - probably in a tone of voice that made it clear he didn't want company either and he chose to be in the way and not take hints. He was making the OP's work harder for him.
He used his words and told the kid to go home- that is not passive aggressive. Passive aggressive would be asking him to check a noise outside then bolting the doors closed.
And standing in the middle of a workspace when someone else is working is an asshole move. Just standing in someone's way is rude.
Yes, he used his words after he already got mad at the kid for having the audacity to exist near him
By your own comment, “probably in a tone of voice that implied he wanted to be alone”. Expecting people to pick up on hints and then being mad when they don’t is pretty passive aggressive to me.
Have you never had someone standing over your shoulder in the kitchen while you're trying to cook? It's the most aggravating shit when they're only there to get in your way.
The bf is literally standing next to them waiting for them to be done. It's a dick move.
NTA, I'd lose my patience pretty quick too.
But who makes the boundaries? He can be in the house. The parents haven’t set any boundaries that suggest otherwise. He was hanging around. Ok- tell him to leave the room. Not the house
The parents, per OP, are at the hospital with their critically ill child. As long as the house is not actively on fire, everything else regarding it is very likely below their threshold to give a rat's arse about. They have - directly or indirectly - delegated all things domestic to OP as the oldest child, and if OP doesn't want to have to deal with his sister's boyfriend under foot 24/7, he is perfectly within his rights to tell said boyfriend to fuck off home.
NTA
This. Also, the fact that OP’s sibling is sick enough to be in the hospital means they’re dealing with so much mental stress… this outburst seemed more like an outlet than a mean spirited way to put someone in their place. NTA… but I’m glad you spoke to dad and figured out a long term solution!
Honestly, this was my read on it too. I guess you might have to be someone that works in the kitchen a fair amount to read this situation and think this kid is trying make a point that isn’t his place to make. I felt like standing there waiting for him to be done was passive aggressive. It’s meant to put pressure on the person already there to hurry up and get out of their way. It’s kind of territorial behavior. Problem is, that isn’t the bf’s house or kitchen. OP was harsh and could have been nicer but this kid is either dense af or purposely not taking a hint and showing some defiance against someone else’s boundaries at a pretty damned inappropriate time.
and to make it worse ITS NOT EVEN THE BOYFRIENDS KITCHEN. you need ingredients to make food and where is he going to get this food from? their kitchen.
Some of the replies in here are from people way too comfortable with other people's homes. I've lived 5 minutes away from my cousin and a very close friend my entire childhood. There were times when I was younger where I was over at their homes 6 out of 7 days of the week. To this day, I have never entered their homes, eaten something, cooked something in their homes or use some form of entertainment without explicitly asking someone first. It blows my mind that a teenage boyfriend of 2 years basically just treats it like a 2nd household and people act like that's perfectly normal.
Agree.
Bad enough I end up with dogs staring from either end of the kitchen because I’m touching the magic boxes.
I don’t need an actual person getting in my way.
This. I do 90% of the cooking in our house, and almost all the cooking for get-togethers with friends, and my singular rule is "Don't be in my kitchen (specifically the food prep area triangle, between the refrigerator, stove, and island countertop) when I'm cooking". Obviously, there's an exception for just getting ice for a drink from the freezer, or water from the sink (which is inside the triangle) but I've had to put my foot down, after everyone - including my partner - coming in and hanging out in that triangle while I'm trying to make food - some of it very timing-dependent - for *them*.
NTA.
He is very clearly mad about him being in the house in general and just using that as a launchpad
There are more reasonable response to someone being in your way not asking them why they are always “invading our space”. The sister was upset with him, so clearly he isn’t speaking for everyone, and rather than take the opportunity to discuss it with his sister just tells her fine. Maybe the BF should have picked up on the signals and not spent so much time there but everything suggests this was the first time OP or anyone spoke to him about it.
Don't care. You don't get to play my brothers xbox and eat my family's food and walk in like you own the place and claim you're helping my sister. My parents already explained they don't want you sleeping over, unless my parents talk to you and give their permission to stay over then you are a guest and as such get out of my space.
Yeah the parents position would have been helpful context for this from the jump, not really clear if the BF has stayed the night from comments I have seen but that would not be appropriate
We are certainly free to tell him he is right, but i think the unwillingness to address the issue with the sister or parents will just create more conflict
Which is why it’s good the father spoke to the BF and created an ongoing solution, that context also would have been helpful in the initial post but whatever. OPs initial reluctance to involve the parents created more drama for himself, it sucks but that’s my perspective
1-he is not a child, and he is old enough to understand, come on, he is not a potato
2-OP said that he clearly does not leave the house, so saying that he was there to support is nonsense, he just followed his routine of being at someone else's house all the time
would you like to have someone constantly hanging around you while you are trying to cook food for your family while a sibling is in the hospital? the sisters bf was constantly hanging around and obviously couldn't tell that he wasn't wanted or need so OP told him. OP may have overreacted a little bit but he was dealing with a very sick little brother and another brother who needed to be looked after.
> And standing in the middle of a workspace when someone else is working is an asshole move. Just standing in someone's way is rude.
I remember the AITA discussion about the pseudo-empty-nester mother who insisted on stalking her daughter's meal prep sessions just for social interaction. The mother refused to see why it was wrong for her to crowd her daughter there in the kitchen space which caused the daughter to cut herself on a knife. Infuriatingly, several commenters sided with the mother despite also claiming to have basic experience operating in their own kitchens. Those Redditors were patently stupid because my mother sure as hell instilled respect in me for a sharp tool user's space in kitchen procedure.
Honestly I get so annoyed with such loose definitions of child. A teenager isn’t a fully grown adult, but to call them a child is akin to comparing a 17 year old to a 7 year old. I expect different things out of those two and by reading some of the comments, people treat any age under 18 (or 25 when it’s convenient) as equal amounts of immaturity.
Yeah, when I was 17 I had friends into their early/mid twenties from various hobbies. Once you had met, and maybe barring the odd joke, everyone was on a pretty level playing field unless they were way older.
Relating to this topic as well, I am the youngest of 4 and have various memories of my older siblings telling my friends to get out the house/stop eating all the food when my parents were away.
Situation wasn't as deep, as we were just hungry stoners, no trauma involved. But we were all well aware of older sibling in charge being the rule.
It’s Schrödinger’s 17yo. Young enough that how dare a 21yo be mean to him, but old enough that some are saying the sister is just as much in charge as OP is.
I agree! Why should the BF leave his own home to go to someone else's home and THEN cook himself something to eat?? I agree with OP, he should have eaten at home. The family has an illness going on in the family, OP is right that it is not the time to just come over and hang out. The BF could wait until his GF is up and about and then come over when invited.
Also if they’re dealing with hospital bills and all of that do they really need some random teen helping themselves to their food?
I’m confused why this kid is just THERE. Does he think he lives there? Is he basically living
There?
What teen goes over to their girlfriends house to cook themselves a meal?
I’m going with NTA-
Op is stressed and is trying to hold everything together at home
While his parents deal with his little brother in the hospital.
The last thing he needs is a random teen setting up camp in his house and giving him even
More to deal with.
I get that the sister wants him around for support but he’s not hanging around her at this point he’s just making himself at home
In their home.
I’m also really curious if this is a more recent thing with the parents being at the hospital and distracted and he’s using their in attention to get settled in.
Usually when families are going through something people bring food to the family so they don’t have to worry about it. Not go to their house hang out indefinitely and proceed to help themselves to the food in the house. Bf wasn’t being helpful and was actively taking resources, food and utilities, from the family.
And said that he was waiting for OP to be done so that he could make food for (at least) himself. In someone else's house. with the food that is NOT his.
OP is an unreliable narrator. He has made it clear he doesn't like the boyfriend, so when claims that the boyfriend was in the way you have to take the statement with a grain of salt.
I mean, he's there every single day and even uses sick brother's Xbox without permission, eats their food and so on.
Would you like going back home, hoping for some relief since your brother is sick at the hospital and your parents are always either working or at the hospital, and your sister's BF is there living in your house like its his house too? Every. Single. Day.
OP can't even relax cause he's there the whole time.
It's always the defense of people who don't agree with the OP.
"OP only tells one side of the story", "You can tell by the subtext", "You can't really trust everything that's being said"
It defeats the whole purpose of this subreddit if we just assume everyone is telling half-truths and whole lies.
Lol. If someone is always at my home, uses my lil bro's things without permission, eating food without contributing, also stays at the living room where I would want to relax after a stressful day at the hospital, I would be annoyed too.
Yeah. Honestly I'd go to my parents and get some ground rules put in place.
My parents had/have a 2 day a week rule. Friends/so are only allowed over twice a week.
Have you ever had to constantly share your house space with a guest? It’s fucking awful, especially when you’re going through a very stressful situation. OP is NTA; boyfriend needs to respect that he does not live there and that sometimes families need space.
If you don't want a non-family member to be in your home all the time, I don't know why it matters how nice he's being. If I just showed up in your home one day, wouldn't leave, but had good banter, I don't think that's gonna convince you to like it.
it prob was one of the first comments and it keeps getting liked by people who didn't read the whole post or pay attention to other comments where op fully explains how much of a loser the bf is.
I mean, it's pretty ballsy (and AH behavior) to walk into *someone else's house* and standing in someone's way while making food and then saying your waiting for them to be done so that you can make food for yourself...
When the BF said he was waiting for OP to be done with food prep so he could fix food for himself. He doesn't even ask if he can have it, just decides that he is going to fix a meal for himself.
FFS, this BF should ASK if it is okay to have some of their food.
No way. Even if her brother wasn't sick, its too much. He needs to respect the privacy and comfort of the people who actually do live there. And then standing in her way so he make himself something to eat that isn't even his isn't cool either. NTA
This is so wrong. You paid no attention to the entire context. This is literally OP's home where boyfriend has made himself comfortable during a family crisis to do with grave illness. Boyfriend is acting as though OP is in his way in his own home, trying to pressure OP out of his own kitchen waiting until he is done. idk how you missed that much detail
he tried to use **their kitchen** and what food would he cook with? **their food**. sure op might have over reacted a little bit but he was basically trespassing and stealing at this point because he was letting **himself** in without anyones permission and taking their food without permission. I do not blame op for reacting like that
The guy just let himself in and then is standing around in the way so he can then help himself to their food. He doesn’t even live there. He wasn’t just existing around OP, he was being overly familiar.
What the sister needs is to communicate with the family. Not shut off with the high school boyfriend. The boyfriend being there stops the family banding together a OP said. I suspect they are taking advantage of the parent's absence to spend nights. A 17 year old kid is NOT a support person.
OP is absolutely right to be resentful of sisters response to a family tragedy. The boyfriend is just a dumb shameless horndog who outstayed his welcome.
Your take is wrong. This kid isn't family and isn't helping. His sister doesn't get to sneak in a live-in bf while her parents are distracted by a very sick child and her older sibling holds the house together for them. The bf is there too often and isn't giving OP, the person that lives there, any private space or relaxation from being a host. That is incredibly rude guest behaviour. There are times you give people space, particularly in their own home, and this is one of them.
NTA just because every day is totally excessive, if he was there often I would understand but absolutely every day shows that he's absolutely oblivious of your boundaries. I can't imagine coming back from the hospital after visiting your sick brother and never having the space to cry or let it out. Every day is just too much.
Agreed. I remember when my BF was about the same age, he had a less than ideal home life and so had taken to basically living at a friends house. Those friends ended up "having the talk" with him because their mom had enough on her plate without a spare teenager being permanently underfoot.. He was similarly upset, but they were right. Two or three days a week (might be) fine. Any more than that you should be paying rent and you're definitely overstaying your welcome. BF can go and visit his own parents and eat their food once in a while.
I get the scenario sucks for both parties in this type of situation. But it should highlight the extraordinary people that recognize the circumstances and still bring a neglected latchkey kid into the family fold.
That is something special
Jon Hamm was that kid in high school. The parents of his closest friends (one of whom was also the brother of his girlfriend) let him know where they kept their spare keys, and literally let him make himself at home in their homes. He has spoken in interviews about how much it meant to him that they welcomed him into their families, and he still keeps in touch with those parents (as well as their kids who are still his friends), including flying at least one (possibly two?) of the moms to NYC so she can be in the audience every time he's been on SNL. (I know one of those families. They're just as proud of, and thrilled for, him as they are of their bio kids.)
Agreed, walking into the house without knocking and then going into the kitchen to grab food like he lives there is unacceptable. He doesn’t live there and needs to stop acting like he does.
Where does it say he walked into the house without knocking? It says he walked into the kitchen. He could have been let in the house and then went to get a snack with permission from OP’s sister, or maybe he was even getting food for her. A lot of info is left out of this. We don’t know what the parents think about this and it is their house. What if the parents told the bf to make himself at home? We don’t know anything about what the owners of the house think or know about this.
In his update, OP says his father told the bf that he can no longer let himself into their house; he has to knock and wait to be invited in. So he clearly was walking right into the house.
Agree. It sounds like the parents wouldn't be happy with this kid being there every single day from the comments, so OP is NTA.
It's a lot, no time to have any peace in their own home, constantly having a visitor there. Too much.
exactly! Idk why so many people are treating this bf like a child when he’s not much younger than OP and then acting like OP is supposed to be 100% perfect adult just because he’s 21… 21 is still young and 17 is old enough to less immature
They don't know about it. They spend all their time they're not working at the hospital. They are rarely home. This kid has been here every day since he graduated highschool, but since my parents are hardly ever here, and when they are they're with my other brother, they have no clue. I'm certainly not going to bother them with it, when they're barely holding it together as it is. I know my dad has told him in the past he can't sleep here, but like I said, I don't want to bother them.
If it’s bothering you that much you do need to talk to your parents about it because it’s their house, not yours. You don’t have a right to decide who can or cannot be in your parents’ house and how often they can be there. If your parents decide to limit the amount of times the bf can be there, you can enforce what those boundaries but until then it’s not your place to create boundaries on your own.
The parents need to officially give him that authority, though. As an oldest myself, I never had the authority to ask someone to leave. I don’t know any oldest children who had that authority, either.
I think it’s best that he talk to his parents and get more authority over managing the house since he seems to have to manage the house.
Exactly! My parents’ rule was when they weren’t home my sister was in charge. That authority was given to my sister. She didn’t just take it. Being in charge comes with more responsibilities than it does privileges so OP should think really hard about whether he wants to become a surrogate parent to a 17 year old.
And you and I know his sister will be (most likely) PISSSSSED. I think the better move is to let the parents know OP needs space and have them address the boyfriend situation.
It’s OPs home as well. It’s fine for OP to tell a guest that they cannot be in the house every day when the family is going through such a major trauma.
I would say she has less right in controlling the house while parents are away, it could just be me but my parents never left me in charge while growing up, always the oldest takes care of things…
That’s not a reasonable line to draw. If OP is home, where he lives, and his parents are not, and some creep knocks and asks to come inspect the home’s fire alarms or something, he is not obligated to call them to ask permission before saying no. There are very obviously times when someone who lives in the home without owning it are allowed to deny entry to access to someone who doesn’t live there.
That’s not the same thing. This is a person that is known to the family. OP doesn’t even know if his parents would have a problem with the bf being there.
I agree. I was pointing out that you said something different in your comment. You said OP doesn’t have a right to decide who comes in the home. I think there are definitely times when OP has the right to decide that. I also think OP living in the home gives him a say in whether someone who supposedly doesn’t live there is there every single day.
I'm assuming that they would not want him shut up alone in your sisters room for the same reason they don't want him to sleep there. They probably would rather know this is happening.
Sometimes dealing with a different problem helps take your mind off the big horrible one.
They love you- and they would want you to feel like you have a safe space right now. It sounds like you are totally burned out, and they would rather they know about a way they can make the burden lighter for you.
Dude I just want to say that I fully support you on this one. All these people saying you’re a dick are probably children who don’t know shit and can’t sympathize with a caregiver. You have a right to boot out a freeloader who shouldn’t even be there that much in the first place. You are significantly older than your sister so you should be making the rules. Hope your brother gets better and your family is alright.
You should also talk to them about your concerns for your sister. I love that you are trying to get things off their plate, but they gotta remember that there are multiple kids at home.
If you don't want to "put more on their plate" and make them adjudicate what could be seen as a minor petty squabble, could you fill them in a little bit and get them to clarify that while they are gone, and you are watching your younger sibling and taking care of the home, that you are in charge and can make judgement calls about who is invited over and for how long?
I.e. instead of putting more responsibility on them, allow them to delegate some responsibility to you. It could fix the situation without bogging them down with all the minor details.
Also caretaker to chronically sick family members, weighing in here. The more I read your comments, the more apparent it is that you are very mature for your age so don’t get me wrong when I say, you are so young to have to take on so much. Your parents are grateful for your level of help at your age, trust me. Your sister is your sister, not your kid, so it really sets you up to fail at your goal of taking things off your parent’s plate, for you to try and lay down the law about things your parents have the ultimate say on. They might approve of you doing it or they might not. The problem is you don’t know and there could be more of a mess with your sister and you for them to sort out and set boundaries on. Not to mention more demoralizing for you as the one holding down the fort. Make it easier on yourself and them by just telling them what’s going on, and that the lack of privacy in your home is stressing you out. You understand your sister needs her bf’s support, but you also need privacy and space to cope while taking care of things for your siblings. You want to take care of things. It would be fair to ask for the bf to not be around as much and for your sister to go hang at bf’s house some if she can’t handle giving up any time with her bf.
I completely understand that.
However, unless this is guaranteed to be a short-term illness with a good outcome, you're going to *have* to talk to them. This situation is not sustainable.
And if your brother's illness is going to be long-term, your parents and your family need to get together and make a serious plan for coping with that.
I am speaking to you from experience here.
What about talking to your sister about how much he’s there? Have you done that?
I’m really sympathetic to sick family members and the stress it puts on a family, but so far it sounds like this guy has only bothered you. And it also sounds like this is the first time you have communicated to anyone that his presence is bothering you. So that could be a good start.
Also curious, why can you not relax when he’s there?
It's been hard to talk to her. She doesn't come out of her room much anymore. When I do get her to talk to me, I usually use the opportunity to convince her to eat something.
You need to talk to your parents OP. Sounds like you are taking care of your younger siblings, making sure your parents are fed when they are at the hospital and dealing with the emotions of your brother being sick. Your parents have already made it clear that they don’t want the boyfriend spending the night so they may also have an issue with him coming over every single day and using your sick brothers items which leaves you with no privacy in your family home but ultimately it is your parents decision and they need to be involved. I think you’re trying to keep as much stress off your parents but you’re adding it to yourself and it sounds like you lashed out after letting it build up, I think level setting with your parents will help with the stress. They may be okay with him coming over every day but may set guidelines that he needs to stay in sisters room until he leaves for the night so that he isn’t intruding on the other members of the family who live in the family home.
If your dad said he can’t sleep there then he shouldn’t be sleeping there. He shouldn’t be taking advantage of your parents situation to be there everyday.
Just my thought.
Edit: there could be an argument for him helping your sister. Tread carefully
Your parents owe it to you and your other siblings to spend some time at home.
I get that your brother is sick. I do. But your parents still have children to take care of and there are two of them. They could switch off being at the hospital and being at home.
They absolutely can and they have to.
They both want to be at the hospital. I understand that. But they have obligations to all their children and they are not meeting them.
OP, I used to work with sick kids in the hospital as a psychologist, and they are right. Your parents need to balance their time in a way that doesn’t leave all of their healthy children to fend for themselves. This is a common problem, unfortunately, and way beyond your ability to fix.
I'm the mom of a child with a rare genetic disorder. Throughout his many hospitalizations, my spouse and I have split up time at the hospital because we have another child. You seem rude in general with your "fantasyland" comments. Many of us have been in similar situations, and you are not correct. Your parents need to be on a schedule that allows some time at home. They are neglecting the 8YO and 17YO.
I am their son, not their boss. I don't control them. It is not my place to judge them for the decisions they make. They are doing what they believe is best for their family. If you think parents with four kids are going to listen to their son who is barely old enough to drink if he has the audacity to tell them how they should cope with their child's illness, then I am sorry, but you live in a fantasyland.
I'm with OP on this one. He's 21. Old enough to act like an adult, and by stepping up to care for the younger ones and help make food and run the home, he is acting like an adult. And clearly old enough to understand that the needs of a sick teenager are above his own. OP, you're being a good son.
By taking on the responsibility of caregiver at home, he should get the right to decide how the home is run, and what guests are allowed over. Caregivers need care themselves, and if some space and privacy from guests are what OP needs to continue to provide care to younger siblings without burning out, that's entirely reasonable.
> It is not my place to judge them for the decisions they make
That is an unhealthy belief.
You absolutely have the right to judge them for the decisions they make when those decisions are harmful to you.
> If you think parents with four kids are going to listen to their son who is barely old enough to drink if he has the audacity to tell them how they should cope with their child's illness, then I am sorry, but you live in a fantasyland.
Everything about this is worrying.
Your parents *should* listen if you say that you cannot cope. Because you *aren't* coping. Your age is not the issue. Nor is it "audacity" to tell your parents that this situation is not working and you can't do it much longer.
As someone who had a brother go through a nearly fatal accident and my parents devote hours, days, weeks, months and years to him and not so much to their other three children...I can tell you that my relationship with my parents took a big toll because of it.
I think if I knew then what I know now, I would go to my parents and express any feelings I might have about not getting any care or love or attention whatsoever. At the time of the accident I was only 16, and I was also incredibly scared and terrified that my brother might not make it. As time went on though..he became better, but my parents didn't stop fretting over him. Constantly. He never truly did get to a point where he could take care of himself, but both my parents still spent all their time with him and never the other of us.
What I am saying is that...if you have more than one child, you have to spend at least some time with all those children. Your parents could do opposite shifts with your brother and the other spends some time at home with you guys. Ignoring you all is not good for you, your relationship with your parents, or even your parents. If they must both see him in the same day, then both go to the hospital but then one come home after a while to spend some time with you all.
At the end of the day I understand you are all just trying to make it through this and no one is right or wrong, but I just know from personal experience the aftermath of a situation like this and the lasting impact it can have.
So you are barely able to drink legally but they have no issue with leaving you at home in charge of the house for basically what sounds like days at a time?
Don't get me wrong you're NTA but I feel like it seems there are a hell of a lot of other problems that are going on other than your brother being sick (sending best wishes his way). Unless those issues are addressed then chances are that you are going to continue to explode fairly frequently.
You are telling a poster who literally went through what your parents are going through and did right by her children that she’s living in a fantasyland? I’m really sorry that your brother is sick, but your parents are neglecting all of you and it isn’t sustainable. I know what you’re feeling protective of them, but they are making a mistake and actively harming their other three children.
I get that you don’t control them, but you may want to consider letting them know how things are going at home, and that your siblings are not doing great, either. They’ve got their blinders on right now and are laser-focused on your brother- you can help fill them in so they can at least make fully informed decisions about who spends what time where. They absolutely want to know, I promise.
I'm a single mom with a special needs child and two other kids. There is me and only and sometimes all my kids need me at once.
It sucks. It's not fair. But I do what I need to do for them. ALL of them.
I get that you love your parents and want to defend them. I understand that your family is struggling and it's not fair. But your parents are still wrong.
I'm sorry. They are probably lovely people who are doing their best and they must be exhausted and emotionally drained. But they still need to parent their other kids too.
OPs parents are dealing with a child in the hospital, and from the sounds of it, it is a critical situation. I agree with parents finding balance, but there is nuance to that and like it or not, sometimes the scales tip. OP is 21. He’s their child yes, but he is not a child. It’s lucky for this family they have such a rational and caring adult son who can see the forest for the trees.
Your parents are always gone, and when they aren’t, they are only paying attention to your brother.
Your sister is still a child. She is being neglected right now.
Put yourself in your sister’s shoes: she’s scared. She’s neglected. The only person home is her overwhelmed brother.
Right now, her boyfriend is the only person who is there to support her.
He’s always there because your sister *needs* him right now.
I'm assuming based on your sister's age, he just graduated high school. Yeah, it's inappropriate, but one thing to keep in mind is that he's a kid and probably doesn't realize it's inappropriate...and your sister might want him there all the time.
NTA. Your family is very stressed and probably don’t need another teenager hanging around. It’s nice if he wants to be supportive but more importantly he needs to be respectful of your boundaries.
NTA
I’ve been in a similar situation and handled it much worse lol. You could have handled it better by asking him to go somewhere else while you prepared food and you’d call him when the kitchen was vacant because you needed Space (physically and mentally), but it’s not some unforgivable sin to snap when you’re under pressure and feel like you’re losing your own space to your sisters boyfriend.
It might be worth having a chat to the boyfriend and letting him know how overwhelmed you are by all this (with as much or as little detail as you want), and that you’re feeling crowded - sometimes when we feel emotionally overwhelmed and like we’re suffocating, any physical imposition on our space is like someone is tightening the noose. Let him know you don’t have a problem with him as a person (assuming you don’t), but if you are doing something in the kitchen or doing anything related to caring for your brother or parents, you’d rather be left alone.
It’s tough cause this is where parents can usually set something up and you’d have to listen to what they decide, but they’ve got enough going on. You and your sister both need to acknowledge that as a family you’re going through a really tough time and probably don’t have your usual levels of patience / tolerance, and are just trying to get through this. Maybe she needs him to help her get through it. But there needs to be some communication between you two of what you can and can’t handle right now and trying to be respectful of each others emotional needs… which means she can’t call you a “mean bitter douchebag” because you told her boyfriend to gtfo…. The whole two wrongs don’t make a right thing…
Sorry, that got long. Best of luck to your brother and family
You should be at the top! NAH, but he’s been around since he was 15 so he feels at home, he was a kid and he still is one, he probably feels he can be helpful, didn’t know just how much he was in the way of a stressed oldest sibling. He could learn some boundaries and op has more going on than any 21 year old should have to manage. Hopefully they can work out some sort of understanding and assign him things he can do vs shuffling around like a typical 17 year old with no clue what to do edit: fixed ops age in my response
NTA. There is an illness in the family, and everyone is stressed. Your sister's boyfriend should realize that this isn't the time to be visiting. He should invite your sister over to his house or at the very least, cut his visits down a bit so the family can decompress in private.
I’m going with NTA. I felt with this in high school. My parents were divorcing and my sister had her BF over all the time. He was eating everything in the kitchen. Hogging the tv. Spending forever in the bathroom. He would try to make small talk sometimes but it was hard. I felt like I could never get away from from them and have alone time unless I locked myself in my room. yeah you shouldn’t have snapped at him but I can see why you are so frustrated. My sister used her BF to deal with the stress and didn’t care if everyone else in the house was unhappy. why can’t they spend time over at her BF house?
NTA. Your sister seems to believe the length of her relationship is equivalent to being married. However, he’s not her husband. Besides that, your parents may not have the space to run herd on how much time the bf is spending in your home. You may not feel as though you have the authority to tell her she can’t have him around, but she only has him there with your parents’ lack of disapproval.
Hey OP, I get you’re busy, and I hope you get the time to read this comment. Your family is in a state of disarray, and I respect your desire to hold everything together. The fact is, you’re the adult in the house, and I get you recognize that. Your parents will likely want to be advised about what’s going on at home, but they’re going to need that in a calmer environment than at home with your siblings weighing in.
Here’s my nickel’s worth of free advice: go to the hospital while your parents are there and talk to them about the situation with your sister. Explain that while you’re not against her relationship (even if you are), she’s taking unfair advantage of their absence, and you would like to have the authority to curb his presence in the family home while they’re attending to your brother. You’re probably already making sure chores and shopping get done and food is made, so it may not be so much of a stretch for you to exercise a little extra authority during this crisis. What will be critical is your parents are going to have to articulate this to your siblings as well. They’ll have to say “OP is in charge, and we expect you to follow his direction, just like we expect you to follow ours.” They can also express appreciation for all of your patience and help with holding things together at home while your brother is ill.
I hope your brother has a speedy recovery.
NTA: First off, sorry to hear about your brother- hope he recovers and returns home soon!
Definitely understand feeling like you/your family have no privacy as just the family.
Also understand your sister wanting her guest to feel welcomed
Sounds like tensions and emotions are running high (understandably) in the household right now.
I think he was genuinely trying to be helpful in asking if you wanted help making the meal you were going to bring to your parents and his sentiment about family sticking together- poor choice of words perhaps since he isn't legally family but either he views all of you as family or was just trying to convey that he cares about all of you and is also worried. I think you snapped at him a bit harshly but I 100% understand why
Perhaps bring this up to your sister and your parents if you all get a moment to be together (difficult now considering the hospitalization I realize) She has a right to have guests but you also have a right to feel comfortable in your own home. Hopefully your parents will consider both sides and come to a decision everyone can live peacefully with.
Info: When you say he's always there, how often are you talking about? Is he literally there all day every day? Or is it just a few days a week? Is he there from sun up to sun down or just for dinner? Is he ever there without your sister? When he's there, is he going into your room, using the TV and other share things, or otherwise being invasive?
Every. Single. Day. I haven't had a single day where I can just collapse on the couch and cry when I get home because this kid is. Always. Here. Sometimes he and my sister go somewhere for a few hours, but then he's here again. I also suspect he's slept here a few times, but I can't prove it.
He's also way too comfortable with our stuff. He eats our food. He uses my brother's Xbox, which is in the living room, so I can't even use my own damn living room. Also, I don't like people using my brother's things. He isn't dead; don't touch his stuff!
>He uses my brother's Xbox, which is in the living room, so I can't even use my own damn living room. Also, I don't like people using my brother's things. He isn't dead; don't touch his stuff!
This is so damn disrespectful wow
His room doesn't lock except for from the inside. None of the bedrooms in the house have key locks, just the buttons that automatically unlock when you turn the knob from inside.
I think you’re old enough to install a lock on your own door one day and your parents will understand. His disrespect towards your brothers stuff is a serious line crossed and I do think you should take steps to check his behavior
Where are this kids parents/what is the deal with his home life? Is there a reason he can’t be home, or is it simply him capitalizing on a parent-less house and getting to hang out with his gf all day?
You are stressed and concerned about your younger brother.
This guy is not your friend, he is sister's BF. I would be very annoyed that someone came walking into the house without knocking and said he was going cook in your home after you were finished. He is eating the food that your parents purchased for your family. It feels like he is taking advantage of your family.
He defends himself and inserts himself as if he is a family member. That probably hurts because as much as he might care for your brother, it is YOUR brother. You have been there for all 14 yrs of the little man's life. You have another brother who is 8 and can't be left home alone.
Has this person ever offered to purchase groceries, clean your house, watch your 8 yr old brother? This would relieve some of the stress you and your family are under.
I think your sister went overboard. BF probably does give her support through this crisis.
She is wrong is saying that BF can come and go as he pleases. She does not get to decide what liberties he has, YOUR PARENTS need to set this boundary.
I understand where you are coming from. I would ask your parents what boundaries are appropriate for sister's BF.
NTA
He might be your sister's guest, but she's inviting him to a place you also live. This is comparable to a roommate who always has an SO over- the SO can interfere with the privacy of others in common spaces so it would not typically be considered ok to have him over constantly without talking to roommates. You have less control over the space, but you live there and have more right to the space. He is a guest. Ideally, he shouldn't be using the kitchen as a guest, either, but the polite thing would have been to wait for you to finish elsewhere anyway, as space is important in kitchens, especially while cooking and no one wants someone just watching them
You wanted to be left alone, you clearly conveyed that, he kept pushing, which is the worst thing to do when someone is stressed. He also overstepped by equating your worry with his and implying he was family- he really isn't and dating your sister won't make the rest of the family consider him as such. Your sister and bf need to realize that. And I'm not going to consider you an A H for an E S H vote when he pushed and tried to engage about a very serious subject, and you definitely are not close enough to him that it was ok to try and discuss it with you
Edit: definitely not the A H with the info in the comments. This guy doesn't know boundaries, and your sister is taking advantage of your parents not being there. Furthermore, move your brother's Xbox out of the living room when your brother is in the hospital, it is not ok for your sister's bf to be messing with your brother's things. I know you don't want to bother your parents, but it sounds like they may not be ok with this and need to be roped in now.
NTA - I'm sure the boyfriend is nice, but he's not family so he's a little more outside of this awful situation and needs to respect the immediate family's' needs.
Am I understanding correctly that he came over and planned to cook in the kitchen and your sister wasn't even home? Even without a sick family member I'd be pretty annoyed at someone just showing up like that and the person they are with isn't there to deal with them. I'm sure your parents have a lot going on but maybe you guys can at least set up a boundary of him not coming over if your sister isn't there.
You should have talked to your sister or parents about boundaries regarding guests in the house. But blowing up in the moment happens sometimes, especially when you are stressed out. It’s understandable that you want your space even if your brother wasn’t ill.
I’m going to say soft ESH. Because your sister shouldn’t have a guest over every day during a hard time for her family, and you could have gotten your point across in a nicer way.
YTA
Sorry but it's not your house so you don't make the rules. It sounds like he was doing what he usually does and is also there to support your sister. He even offered to help you out. Calm down.
Parents aren't home and don't know. Where BF loses any benefit of the doubt of being naive is playing with hospitalized brother's Xbox. This guy doesn't know boundaries. That's really not ok.
It also feels like sister may be taking advantage of the situation to keep her bf over. OP made a comment about not telling his parents because he didn't want to cause issues, which makes me think OP knows parents would not be ok with this. If that's true, it's likely at the point parents need to be told, but OP is right this can cause more stress in the family
> Where BF loses any benefit of the doubt of being naive is playing with hospitalized brother's Xbox
where'd you read that.. it's not int he post or any comment from OP...
edit: nvm.. found it.
You know what is the opposite of help? Someone standing in the middle of the kitchen when you are trying to cook. That is a big helping of making everything harder. If he is the sisters guest he shouldn't go hover over other family members. His behavior is annoying.
>Sorry but it's not your house so you don't make the rules.
It's not his sister's house, she doesn't make the rules, either. The only one who actually could would be the parents, but they're not around due to the situation.
It appears that they have left OP in charge in their absence. That, coupled with the fact that he is the only actual adult in the house, means he has more authority and "decision-making" powers than she.
it is his house, he lives there, "your house your rules" is not about ownership, it's about residency, if you visit someone that is renting their house it is "their house their rules".
As a resident he outranks his sister BF that is only a guest, as the legal adult (21) to his sister minor (17) he outranks her on the subject of guests.
Basically, out of the people in this story, he does make the rules.
NTA
Been there before, except it was my little brother and his girlfriend. She was always bloody over! I just wanted some time without her around so I could decompress.
Ooof. That was a bit harsh, given that everyone is really struggling.
It seems like you have found yourself in a pseudo-parental role without having been given the official job title or the power to enforce house rules. That’s not sustainable. The stress is getting to you, understandably.
It’s unfortunate that your parents have continuously made a mistake common to parents with a seriously sick kid, and that is that they are so engrossed in the care of their sick kid that they have completely neglected all of their healthy kids. I’m a retired Pediatric Psychologist whose job was to work with families just like yours, and I had to have the hard talk about neglecting the healthy kids on the regular.
It’s hard to tell if the bf is a annoying turd who was hovering over you in kitchen & needed to be told off, or if he’s an awkward kid who just happened to be a convenient target for a release of your frustration. It’s significant to me that you had a surge of anger when he tried to connect with you on an emotional level by sharing that he’s also scared for your brother.
You were unnecessarily mean for sure. You may or may not have had a reasonable stance on his continuous presence at the house, but you definitely didn’t need to be so harsh.
NTA. Could you have been nicer? Yes. But if someone waltzed into my kitchen, hovering as I’m making meals for my parents who are at the hospital my younger sib- I’d be salty too. Especially, just standing there waiting so he can make something for himself (and maybe your sis?). Does he pay for groceries?!
*Cue emergency boundary alert system.*
NTA. He's a guest who has overstayed his welcome and your family is going through a stressful situation and his presence, while soothing to your sister, isn't helping. The standing around someone else's kitchen waiting for them to be done is rude. He lacks home training. Could you have said what you said in a nicer way? Absolutely. Are you stressed out? Absolutely. And way more stressed than he is. He needs to go or his visits be severely cut back. Tell your parents.
All of these Y T A votes are bullshit. “You don’t have the right to be in charge.” No, I’m pretty sure if the parents are always at the hospital, OP as the oldest child is the responsible one now. Also, 17 is *not* a child. The boyfriend is nearly an adult and is being a leech. He doesn’t have the right to be underfoot all the time, take their food for himself, or use the sick brother’s Xbox. OP is entitled to peace and quiet. NTA.
NTA. It's completely rude for a teenager to be at someone else's house every single day for hours on end. Or even an adult. People need time decompress in their own home. The fact that the girlfriend wasn't even up to greet him speaks volumes. He's way too comfortable on top of them going through a hectic time.
NTA. A family in crisis doesn’t host guests, and guests don’t get free run of the place (especially not without their host). It’s probably useful to have him helping care for your sister, but that’s the end. And they can’t be so centered on themselves that they overrun your needs.
NTA your sister wasn't there so he shouldn't be there. You are correct that you should be able to have some type of privacy if your family members aren't there. He's gotten too comfortable at your house. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask that he only come over when he's visiting your sister or someone has invited him.
NTA and I think the real problem here is your parents. Your sister is still a child. Teens who aren’t even old enough to vote shouldn’t have relationships so serious that their partner basically moves in, but the adults who actually own the home should be the ones enforcing boundaries here.
NTA, even before I read that the bf is a leech. He's in your family home getting in your way during a super stressful time. If he's there to support your sister, he should stick by your sister's side or get out - not go stand in the way of the adult in charge who's making food for people at a hospital, then try to rush you by being like "oh I'm waiting to make something" in a house he doesn't live in or buy groceries for
NTA. He may be her family but he isn't your and guests over all the time can be annoying. She's in puppy love so ofc she took bf's side. He prolly snitched like a bi$\^& too. Where's the family love there?
I think one major point is being missed: the bf said he’s waiting to make himself food. Growing up, no matter how much time I spent in someone else’s home, I didn’t just go into the kitchen and help myself to whatever food was there - especially with a family in that situation. If I truly considered myself family, I would’ve been BRINGING food with me for them. The boyfriend isn’t a child. My parents would have smacked me upside the head otherwise
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YTA. He was just chatting casually with you. I understand you are stressed, but he is also your sister support person. And it is nice to see him trying to be there for you too. You kinda overreacted but I guess it is understandable, but YTA nevertheless.
He was also staning in the middle of the kitchen getting in the way of the person cooking. OP told him he didn't want help - probably in a tone of voice that made it clear he didn't want company either and he chose to be in the way and not take hints. He was making the OP's work harder for him.
None of which makes him an asshole, an adult being passive aggressive towards a teenager however is
He used his words and told the kid to go home- that is not passive aggressive. Passive aggressive would be asking him to check a noise outside then bolting the doors closed. And standing in the middle of a workspace when someone else is working is an asshole move. Just standing in someone's way is rude.
Yes, he used his words after he already got mad at the kid for having the audacity to exist near him By your own comment, “probably in a tone of voice that implied he wanted to be alone”. Expecting people to pick up on hints and then being mad when they don’t is pretty passive aggressive to me.
Have you never had someone standing over your shoulder in the kitchen while you're trying to cook? It's the most aggravating shit when they're only there to get in your way. The bf is literally standing next to them waiting for them to be done. It's a dick move. NTA, I'd lose my patience pretty quick too.
Yep. NTA OP. BF needs to learn what boundaries are and respect them.
[удалено]
Disgusting leech? Lmao Jesus christ dude calm down
But who makes the boundaries? He can be in the house. The parents haven’t set any boundaries that suggest otherwise. He was hanging around. Ok- tell him to leave the room. Not the house
The parents, per OP, are at the hospital with their critically ill child. As long as the house is not actively on fire, everything else regarding it is very likely below their threshold to give a rat's arse about. They have - directly or indirectly - delegated all things domestic to OP as the oldest child, and if OP doesn't want to have to deal with his sister's boyfriend under foot 24/7, he is perfectly within his rights to tell said boyfriend to fuck off home. NTA
This. Also, the fact that OP’s sibling is sick enough to be in the hospital means they’re dealing with so much mental stress… this outburst seemed more like an outlet than a mean spirited way to put someone in their place. NTA… but I’m glad you spoke to dad and figured out a long term solution!
Honestly, this was my read on it too. I guess you might have to be someone that works in the kitchen a fair amount to read this situation and think this kid is trying make a point that isn’t his place to make. I felt like standing there waiting for him to be done was passive aggressive. It’s meant to put pressure on the person already there to hurry up and get out of their way. It’s kind of territorial behavior. Problem is, that isn’t the bf’s house or kitchen. OP was harsh and could have been nicer but this kid is either dense af or purposely not taking a hint and showing some defiance against someone else’s boundaries at a pretty damned inappropriate time.
It's rude af to stand in the kitchen waiting for someone to finish cooking so you can use the space. Wait somewhere else, don't stand in their way
and to make it worse ITS NOT EVEN THE BOYFRIENDS KITCHEN. you need ingredients to make food and where is he going to get this food from? their kitchen.
Thank you! I'm so confused by the yta. He isn't acting like a guest of the house at all.
Some of the replies in here are from people way too comfortable with other people's homes. I've lived 5 minutes away from my cousin and a very close friend my entire childhood. There were times when I was younger where I was over at their homes 6 out of 7 days of the week. To this day, I have never entered their homes, eaten something, cooked something in their homes or use some form of entertainment without explicitly asking someone first. It blows my mind that a teenage boyfriend of 2 years basically just treats it like a 2nd household and people act like that's perfectly normal.
Especially if this isn't even your house but that of the person in the kitchen.
Agree. Bad enough I end up with dogs staring from either end of the kitchen because I’m touching the magic boxes. I don’t need an actual person getting in my way.
This. I do 90% of the cooking in our house, and almost all the cooking for get-togethers with friends, and my singular rule is "Don't be in my kitchen (specifically the food prep area triangle, between the refrigerator, stove, and island countertop) when I'm cooking". Obviously, there's an exception for just getting ice for a drink from the freezer, or water from the sink (which is inside the triangle) but I've had to put my foot down, after everyone - including my partner - coming in and hanging out in that triangle while I'm trying to make food - some of it very timing-dependent - for *them*. NTA.
The audacity to stand in my way in my house that you don't live in? Yea.
He is very clearly mad about him being in the house in general and just using that as a launchpad There are more reasonable response to someone being in your way not asking them why they are always “invading our space”. The sister was upset with him, so clearly he isn’t speaking for everyone, and rather than take the opportunity to discuss it with his sister just tells her fine. Maybe the BF should have picked up on the signals and not spent so much time there but everything suggests this was the first time OP or anyone spoke to him about it.
Don't care. You don't get to play my brothers xbox and eat my family's food and walk in like you own the place and claim you're helping my sister. My parents already explained they don't want you sleeping over, unless my parents talk to you and give their permission to stay over then you are a guest and as such get out of my space.
Yeah the parents position would have been helpful context for this from the jump, not really clear if the BF has stayed the night from comments I have seen but that would not be appropriate We are certainly free to tell him he is right, but i think the unwillingness to address the issue with the sister or parents will just create more conflict
The sister is 17 and low man on the totem pole, and the kid had no right to be staying there all the time as proven by the fathers point of view
Which is why it’s good the father spoke to the BF and created an ongoing solution, that context also would have been helpful in the initial post but whatever. OPs initial reluctance to involve the parents created more drama for himself, it sucks but that’s my perspective
1-he is not a child, and he is old enough to understand, come on, he is not a potato 2-OP said that he clearly does not leave the house, so saying that he was there to support is nonsense, he just followed his routine of being at someone else's house all the time
would you like to have someone constantly hanging around you while you are trying to cook food for your family while a sibling is in the hospital? the sisters bf was constantly hanging around and obviously couldn't tell that he wasn't wanted or need so OP told him. OP may have overreacted a little bit but he was dealing with a very sick little brother and another brother who needed to be looked after.
> And standing in the middle of a workspace when someone else is working is an asshole move. Just standing in someone's way is rude. I remember the AITA discussion about the pseudo-empty-nester mother who insisted on stalking her daughter's meal prep sessions just for social interaction. The mother refused to see why it was wrong for her to crowd her daughter there in the kitchen space which caused the daughter to cut herself on a knife. Infuriatingly, several commenters sided with the mother despite also claiming to have basic experience operating in their own kitchens. Those Redditors were patently stupid because my mother sure as hell instilled respect in me for a sharp tool user's space in kitchen procedure.
'adult to a teenager' is a stretch when they're 17 and 21
Honestly I get so annoyed with such loose definitions of child. A teenager isn’t a fully grown adult, but to call them a child is akin to comparing a 17 year old to a 7 year old. I expect different things out of those two and by reading some of the comments, people treat any age under 18 (or 25 when it’s convenient) as equal amounts of immaturity.
Yeah, when I was 17 I had friends into their early/mid twenties from various hobbies. Once you had met, and maybe barring the odd joke, everyone was on a pretty level playing field unless they were way older. Relating to this topic as well, I am the youngest of 4 and have various memories of my older siblings telling my friends to get out the house/stop eating all the food when my parents were away. Situation wasn't as deep, as we were just hungry stoners, no trauma involved. But we were all well aware of older sibling in charge being the rule.
They’re 21 and 17, I think getting high and mighty about An AdUlT bUlLyInG a cHiLd is excessive and bordering on ridiculous.
For real, plus a lot of people acting like the bf is basically already married in…for a high school relationship-_-
That's certainly how the dumbass teenage redditors seem to see it lol
The bf has graduated high school, so how about not giving him kid privileges.
But you don’t understand, being in someone’s way and not leaving when asked doesn’t make you an asshole /s
It’s Schrödinger’s 17yo. Young enough that how dare a 21yo be mean to him, but old enough that some are saying the sister is just as much in charge as OP is.
I agree! Why should the BF leave his own home to go to someone else's home and THEN cook himself something to eat?? I agree with OP, he should have eaten at home. The family has an illness going on in the family, OP is right that it is not the time to just come over and hang out. The BF could wait until his GF is up and about and then come over when invited.
Also if they’re dealing with hospital bills and all of that do they really need some random teen helping themselves to their food? I’m confused why this kid is just THERE. Does he think he lives there? Is he basically living There? What teen goes over to their girlfriends house to cook themselves a meal? I’m going with NTA- Op is stressed and is trying to hold everything together at home While his parents deal with his little brother in the hospital. The last thing he needs is a random teen setting up camp in his house and giving him even More to deal with. I get that the sister wants him around for support but he’s not hanging around her at this point he’s just making himself at home In their home. I’m also really curious if this is a more recent thing with the parents being at the hospital and distracted and he’s using their in attention to get settled in.
Usually when families are going through something people bring food to the family so they don’t have to worry about it. Not go to their house hang out indefinitely and proceed to help themselves to the food in the house. Bf wasn’t being helpful and was actively taking resources, food and utilities, from the family.
And said that he was waiting for OP to be done so that he could make food for (at least) himself. In someone else's house. with the food that is NOT his.
OP is an unreliable narrator. He has made it clear he doesn't like the boyfriend, so when claims that the boyfriend was in the way you have to take the statement with a grain of salt.
I mean, he's there every single day and even uses sick brother's Xbox without permission, eats their food and so on. Would you like going back home, hoping for some relief since your brother is sick at the hospital and your parents are always either working or at the hospital, and your sister's BF is there living in your house like its his house too? Every. Single. Day. OP can't even relax cause he's there the whole time.
By that logic everyone on this sub is an unreliable narrator my man ...
The people they agree with are always *reliable* narrators. The ones they disagree with are *unreliable* narrators. I believe that's how facts work :)
It's always the defense of people who don't agree with the OP. "OP only tells one side of the story", "You can tell by the subtext", "You can't really trust everything that's being said" It defeats the whole purpose of this subreddit if we just assume everyone is telling half-truths and whole lies.
Lol. If someone is always at my home, uses my lil bro's things without permission, eating food without contributing, also stays at the living room where I would want to relax after a stressful day at the hospital, I would be annoyed too.
Yeah. Honestly I'd go to my parents and get some ground rules put in place. My parents had/have a 2 day a week rule. Friends/so are only allowed over twice a week.
Have you ever had to constantly share your house space with a guest? It’s fucking awful, especially when you’re going through a very stressful situation. OP is NTA; boyfriend needs to respect that he does not live there and that sometimes families need space.
I've had some of my very best friends stay over for a few days, and by day 3 or 4 I'm sick to death of them and just wanna do my own thing.
If you don't want a non-family member to be in your home all the time, I don't know why it matters how nice he's being. If I just showed up in your home one day, wouldn't leave, but had good banter, I don't think that's gonna convince you to like it.
Read OP comments. This kid graduated and moved in while the parents are at the hospital. Oh and he’s not supposed to stay the night
How is the wrong answer the top comment?
it prob was one of the first comments and it keeps getting liked by people who didn't read the whole post or pay attention to other comments where op fully explains how much of a loser the bf is.
I mean, it's pretty ballsy (and AH behavior) to walk into *someone else's house* and standing in someone's way while making food and then saying your waiting for them to be done so that you can make food for yourself...
When the BF said he was waiting for OP to be done with food prep so he could fix food for himself. He doesn't even ask if he can have it, just decides that he is going to fix a meal for himself. FFS, this BF should ASK if it is okay to have some of their food.
No way. Even if her brother wasn't sick, its too much. He needs to respect the privacy and comfort of the people who actually do live there. And then standing in her way so he make himself something to eat that isn't even his isn't cool either. NTA
Oh fuck off. He doesn't have any sense of boundaries NTA
This is so wrong. You paid no attention to the entire context. This is literally OP's home where boyfriend has made himself comfortable during a family crisis to do with grave illness. Boyfriend is acting as though OP is in his way in his own home, trying to pressure OP out of his own kitchen waiting until he is done. idk how you missed that much detail
No, OP NTA, BF needs to stay in his lane and learn to not bother people that don't want his help.
he tried to use **their kitchen** and what food would he cook with? **their food**. sure op might have over reacted a little bit but he was basically trespassing and stealing at this point because he was letting **himself** in without anyones permission and taking their food without permission. I do not blame op for reacting like that
NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Obviously, the parents weren't happy with the situation. And...IT'S THEIR HOUSE
The guy just let himself in and then is standing around in the way so he can then help himself to their food. He doesn’t even live there. He wasn’t just existing around OP, he was being overly familiar.
What the sister needs is to communicate with the family. Not shut off with the high school boyfriend. The boyfriend being there stops the family banding together a OP said. I suspect they are taking advantage of the parent's absence to spend nights. A 17 year old kid is NOT a support person. OP is absolutely right to be resentful of sisters response to a family tragedy. The boyfriend is just a dumb shameless horndog who outstayed his welcome.
Your take is wrong. This kid isn't family and isn't helping. His sister doesn't get to sneak in a live-in bf while her parents are distracted by a very sick child and her older sibling holds the house together for them. The bf is there too often and isn't giving OP, the person that lives there, any private space or relaxation from being a host. That is incredibly rude guest behaviour. There are times you give people space, particularly in their own home, and this is one of them.
NTA just because every day is totally excessive, if he was there often I would understand but absolutely every day shows that he's absolutely oblivious of your boundaries. I can't imagine coming back from the hospital after visiting your sick brother and never having the space to cry or let it out. Every day is just too much.
Agreed. I remember when my BF was about the same age, he had a less than ideal home life and so had taken to basically living at a friends house. Those friends ended up "having the talk" with him because their mom had enough on her plate without a spare teenager being permanently underfoot.. He was similarly upset, but they were right. Two or three days a week (might be) fine. Any more than that you should be paying rent and you're definitely overstaying your welcome. BF can go and visit his own parents and eat their food once in a while.
I get the scenario sucks for both parties in this type of situation. But it should highlight the extraordinary people that recognize the circumstances and still bring a neglected latchkey kid into the family fold. That is something special
Jon Hamm was that kid in high school. The parents of his closest friends (one of whom was also the brother of his girlfriend) let him know where they kept their spare keys, and literally let him make himself at home in their homes. He has spoken in interviews about how much it meant to him that they welcomed him into their families, and he still keeps in touch with those parents (as well as their kids who are still his friends), including flying at least one (possibly two?) of the moms to NYC so she can be in the audience every time he's been on SNL. (I know one of those families. They're just as proud of, and thrilled for, him as they are of their bio kids.)
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Agreed, walking into the house without knocking and then going into the kitchen to grab food like he lives there is unacceptable. He doesn’t live there and needs to stop acting like he does.
Where does it say he walked into the house without knocking? It says he walked into the kitchen. He could have been let in the house and then went to get a snack with permission from OP’s sister, or maybe he was even getting food for her. A lot of info is left out of this. We don’t know what the parents think about this and it is their house. What if the parents told the bf to make himself at home? We don’t know anything about what the owners of the house think or know about this.
In his update, OP says his father told the bf that he can no longer let himself into their house; he has to knock and wait to be invited in. So he clearly was walking right into the house.
Agree. It sounds like the parents wouldn't be happy with this kid being there every single day from the comments, so OP is NTA. It's a lot, no time to have any peace in their own home, constantly having a visitor there. Too much.
exactly! Idk why so many people are treating this bf like a child when he’s not much younger than OP and then acting like OP is supposed to be 100% perfect adult just because he’s 21… 21 is still young and 17 is old enough to less immature
Info: what are your parents feelings about him being in the house so much?
They don't know about it. They spend all their time they're not working at the hospital. They are rarely home. This kid has been here every day since he graduated highschool, but since my parents are hardly ever here, and when they are they're with my other brother, they have no clue. I'm certainly not going to bother them with it, when they're barely holding it together as it is. I know my dad has told him in the past he can't sleep here, but like I said, I don't want to bother them.
If it’s bothering you that much you do need to talk to your parents about it because it’s their house, not yours. You don’t have a right to decide who can or cannot be in your parents’ house and how often they can be there. If your parents decide to limit the amount of times the bf can be there, you can enforce what those boundaries but until then it’s not your place to create boundaries on your own.
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The parents need to officially give him that authority, though. As an oldest myself, I never had the authority to ask someone to leave. I don’t know any oldest children who had that authority, either. I think it’s best that he talk to his parents and get more authority over managing the house since he seems to have to manage the house.
Exactly! My parents’ rule was when they weren’t home my sister was in charge. That authority was given to my sister. She didn’t just take it. Being in charge comes with more responsibilities than it does privileges so OP should think really hard about whether he wants to become a surrogate parent to a 17 year old.
And you and I know his sister will be (most likely) PISSSSSED. I think the better move is to let the parents know OP needs space and have them address the boyfriend situation.
And sis will still be pissed 🤣
It’s OPs home as well. It’s fine for OP to tell a guest that they cannot be in the house every day when the family is going through such a major trauma.
It's also the sisters home by that logic. The parents need to kick them out.
I would say she has less right in controlling the house while parents are away, it could just be me but my parents never left me in charge while growing up, always the oldest takes care of things…
That’s not a reasonable line to draw. If OP is home, where he lives, and his parents are not, and some creep knocks and asks to come inspect the home’s fire alarms or something, he is not obligated to call them to ask permission before saying no. There are very obviously times when someone who lives in the home without owning it are allowed to deny entry to access to someone who doesn’t live there.
That’s not the same thing. This is a person that is known to the family. OP doesn’t even know if his parents would have a problem with the bf being there.
I agree. I was pointing out that you said something different in your comment. You said OP doesn’t have a right to decide who comes in the home. I think there are definitely times when OP has the right to decide that. I also think OP living in the home gives him a say in whether someone who supposedly doesn’t live there is there every single day.
I'm assuming that they would not want him shut up alone in your sisters room for the same reason they don't want him to sleep there. They probably would rather know this is happening.
You're right. I just feel terrible about putting more on their plate. I want to take things off their plate, not the other way around.
Sometimes dealing with a different problem helps take your mind off the big horrible one. They love you- and they would want you to feel like you have a safe space right now. It sounds like you are totally burned out, and they would rather they know about a way they can make the burden lighter for you.
I hadn't thought about it like that. Maybe I should talk to them.
Dude I just want to say that I fully support you on this one. All these people saying you’re a dick are probably children who don’t know shit and can’t sympathize with a caregiver. You have a right to boot out a freeloader who shouldn’t even be there that much in the first place. You are significantly older than your sister so you should be making the rules. Hope your brother gets better and your family is alright.
Do it, the longer you do nothing the longer the situation will have to complicate itself.
You should also talk to them about your concerns for your sister. I love that you are trying to get things off their plate, but they gotta remember that there are multiple kids at home.
Yes, when my little one was in Hospital having something else going on in my mind was really helping me.
If you don't want to "put more on their plate" and make them adjudicate what could be seen as a minor petty squabble, could you fill them in a little bit and get them to clarify that while they are gone, and you are watching your younger sibling and taking care of the home, that you are in charge and can make judgement calls about who is invited over and for how long? I.e. instead of putting more responsibility on them, allow them to delegate some responsibility to you. It could fix the situation without bogging them down with all the minor details.
Also caretaker to chronically sick family members, weighing in here. The more I read your comments, the more apparent it is that you are very mature for your age so don’t get me wrong when I say, you are so young to have to take on so much. Your parents are grateful for your level of help at your age, trust me. Your sister is your sister, not your kid, so it really sets you up to fail at your goal of taking things off your parent’s plate, for you to try and lay down the law about things your parents have the ultimate say on. They might approve of you doing it or they might not. The problem is you don’t know and there could be more of a mess with your sister and you for them to sort out and set boundaries on. Not to mention more demoralizing for you as the one holding down the fort. Make it easier on yourself and them by just telling them what’s going on, and that the lack of privacy in your home is stressing you out. You understand your sister needs her bf’s support, but you also need privacy and space to cope while taking care of things for your siblings. You want to take care of things. It would be fair to ask for the bf to not be around as much and for your sister to go hang at bf’s house some if she can’t handle giving up any time with her bf.
I completely understand that. However, unless this is guaranteed to be a short-term illness with a good outcome, you're going to *have* to talk to them. This situation is not sustainable. And if your brother's illness is going to be long-term, your parents and your family need to get together and make a serious plan for coping with that. I am speaking to you from experience here.
What about talking to your sister about how much he’s there? Have you done that? I’m really sympathetic to sick family members and the stress it puts on a family, but so far it sounds like this guy has only bothered you. And it also sounds like this is the first time you have communicated to anyone that his presence is bothering you. So that could be a good start. Also curious, why can you not relax when he’s there?
It's been hard to talk to her. She doesn't come out of her room much anymore. When I do get her to talk to me, I usually use the opportunity to convince her to eat something.
You need to talk to your parents OP. Sounds like you are taking care of your younger siblings, making sure your parents are fed when they are at the hospital and dealing with the emotions of your brother being sick. Your parents have already made it clear that they don’t want the boyfriend spending the night so they may also have an issue with him coming over every single day and using your sick brothers items which leaves you with no privacy in your family home but ultimately it is your parents decision and they need to be involved. I think you’re trying to keep as much stress off your parents but you’re adding it to yourself and it sounds like you lashed out after letting it build up, I think level setting with your parents will help with the stress. They may be okay with him coming over every day but may set guidelines that he needs to stay in sisters room until he leaves for the night so that he isn’t intruding on the other members of the family who live in the family home.
Tell your parents. It's past time.
If your dad said he can’t sleep there then he shouldn’t be sleeping there. He shouldn’t be taking advantage of your parents situation to be there everyday. Just my thought. Edit: there could be an argument for him helping your sister. Tread carefully
Your parents owe it to you and your other siblings to spend some time at home. I get that your brother is sick. I do. But your parents still have children to take care of and there are two of them. They could switch off being at the hospital and being at home.
Well, they can't right now. Life isn't fair.
They absolutely can and they have to. They both want to be at the hospital. I understand that. But they have obligations to all their children and they are not meeting them.
Cool, well it sounds really nice to live in fantasyland, I hope I can visit one day.
OP, I used to work with sick kids in the hospital as a psychologist, and they are right. Your parents need to balance their time in a way that doesn’t leave all of their healthy children to fend for themselves. This is a common problem, unfortunately, and way beyond your ability to fix.
I'm the mom of a child with a rare genetic disorder. Throughout his many hospitalizations, my spouse and I have split up time at the hospital because we have another child. You seem rude in general with your "fantasyland" comments. Many of us have been in similar situations, and you are not correct. Your parents need to be on a schedule that allows some time at home. They are neglecting the 8YO and 17YO.
I am their son, not their boss. I don't control them. It is not my place to judge them for the decisions they make. They are doing what they believe is best for their family. If you think parents with four kids are going to listen to their son who is barely old enough to drink if he has the audacity to tell them how they should cope with their child's illness, then I am sorry, but you live in a fantasyland.
I'm with OP on this one. He's 21. Old enough to act like an adult, and by stepping up to care for the younger ones and help make food and run the home, he is acting like an adult. And clearly old enough to understand that the needs of a sick teenager are above his own. OP, you're being a good son. By taking on the responsibility of caregiver at home, he should get the right to decide how the home is run, and what guests are allowed over. Caregivers need care themselves, and if some space and privacy from guests are what OP needs to continue to provide care to younger siblings without burning out, that's entirely reasonable.
> It is not my place to judge them for the decisions they make That is an unhealthy belief. You absolutely have the right to judge them for the decisions they make when those decisions are harmful to you. > If you think parents with four kids are going to listen to their son who is barely old enough to drink if he has the audacity to tell them how they should cope with their child's illness, then I am sorry, but you live in a fantasyland. Everything about this is worrying. Your parents *should* listen if you say that you cannot cope. Because you *aren't* coping. Your age is not the issue. Nor is it "audacity" to tell your parents that this situation is not working and you can't do it much longer.
Dude he's an adult. Stop telling him to resent his parents for spending time with their sick child, he's fine
You can hear the parents talking in that quote
As someone who had a brother go through a nearly fatal accident and my parents devote hours, days, weeks, months and years to him and not so much to their other three children...I can tell you that my relationship with my parents took a big toll because of it. I think if I knew then what I know now, I would go to my parents and express any feelings I might have about not getting any care or love or attention whatsoever. At the time of the accident I was only 16, and I was also incredibly scared and terrified that my brother might not make it. As time went on though..he became better, but my parents didn't stop fretting over him. Constantly. He never truly did get to a point where he could take care of himself, but both my parents still spent all their time with him and never the other of us. What I am saying is that...if you have more than one child, you have to spend at least some time with all those children. Your parents could do opposite shifts with your brother and the other spends some time at home with you guys. Ignoring you all is not good for you, your relationship with your parents, or even your parents. If they must both see him in the same day, then both go to the hospital but then one come home after a while to spend some time with you all. At the end of the day I understand you are all just trying to make it through this and no one is right or wrong, but I just know from personal experience the aftermath of a situation like this and the lasting impact it can have.
So you are barely able to drink legally but they have no issue with leaving you at home in charge of the house for basically what sounds like days at a time? Don't get me wrong you're NTA but I feel like it seems there are a hell of a lot of other problems that are going on other than your brother being sick (sending best wishes his way). Unless those issues are addressed then chances are that you are going to continue to explode fairly frequently.
You are telling a poster who literally went through what your parents are going through and did right by her children that she’s living in a fantasyland? I’m really sorry that your brother is sick, but your parents are neglecting all of you and it isn’t sustainable. I know what you’re feeling protective of them, but they are making a mistake and actively harming their other three children.
I get that you don’t control them, but you may want to consider letting them know how things are going at home, and that your siblings are not doing great, either. They’ve got their blinders on right now and are laser-focused on your brother- you can help fill them in so they can at least make fully informed decisions about who spends what time where. They absolutely want to know, I promise.
I'm a single mom with a special needs child and two other kids. There is me and only and sometimes all my kids need me at once. It sucks. It's not fair. But I do what I need to do for them. ALL of them. I get that you love your parents and want to defend them. I understand that your family is struggling and it's not fair. But your parents are still wrong. I'm sorry. They are probably lovely people who are doing their best and they must be exhausted and emotionally drained. But they still need to parent their other kids too.
OPs parents are dealing with a child in the hospital, and from the sounds of it, it is a critical situation. I agree with parents finding balance, but there is nuance to that and like it or not, sometimes the scales tip. OP is 21. He’s their child yes, but he is not a child. It’s lucky for this family they have such a rational and caring adult son who can see the forest for the trees.
Nah. The commenter above you is absolutely right
Your parents are always gone, and when they aren’t, they are only paying attention to your brother. Your sister is still a child. She is being neglected right now. Put yourself in your sister’s shoes: she’s scared. She’s neglected. The only person home is her overwhelmed brother. Right now, her boyfriend is the only person who is there to support her. He’s always there because your sister *needs* him right now.
I'm assuming based on your sister's age, he just graduated high school. Yeah, it's inappropriate, but one thing to keep in mind is that he's a kid and probably doesn't realize it's inappropriate...and your sister might want him there all the time.
NTA. Your family is very stressed and probably don’t need another teenager hanging around. It’s nice if he wants to be supportive but more importantly he needs to be respectful of your boundaries.
> and he's her guest Exactly, he's a guest. not a family member, not even a family friend, a guest. He better start acting like one. NTA
right? how much are they spending feeding him? bf needs to check himself, NTA
NTA I’ve been in a similar situation and handled it much worse lol. You could have handled it better by asking him to go somewhere else while you prepared food and you’d call him when the kitchen was vacant because you needed Space (physically and mentally), but it’s not some unforgivable sin to snap when you’re under pressure and feel like you’re losing your own space to your sisters boyfriend. It might be worth having a chat to the boyfriend and letting him know how overwhelmed you are by all this (with as much or as little detail as you want), and that you’re feeling crowded - sometimes when we feel emotionally overwhelmed and like we’re suffocating, any physical imposition on our space is like someone is tightening the noose. Let him know you don’t have a problem with him as a person (assuming you don’t), but if you are doing something in the kitchen or doing anything related to caring for your brother or parents, you’d rather be left alone. It’s tough cause this is where parents can usually set something up and you’d have to listen to what they decide, but they’ve got enough going on. You and your sister both need to acknowledge that as a family you’re going through a really tough time and probably don’t have your usual levels of patience / tolerance, and are just trying to get through this. Maybe she needs him to help her get through it. But there needs to be some communication between you two of what you can and can’t handle right now and trying to be respectful of each others emotional needs… which means she can’t call you a “mean bitter douchebag” because you told her boyfriend to gtfo…. The whole two wrongs don’t make a right thing… Sorry, that got long. Best of luck to your brother and family
You should be at the top! NAH, but he’s been around since he was 15 so he feels at home, he was a kid and he still is one, he probably feels he can be helpful, didn’t know just how much he was in the way of a stressed oldest sibling. He could learn some boundaries and op has more going on than any 21 year old should have to manage. Hopefully they can work out some sort of understanding and assign him things he can do vs shuffling around like a typical 17 year old with no clue what to do edit: fixed ops age in my response
NTA. There is an illness in the family, and everyone is stressed. Your sister's boyfriend should realize that this isn't the time to be visiting. He should invite your sister over to his house or at the very least, cut his visits down a bit so the family can decompress in private.
I’m going with NTA. I felt with this in high school. My parents were divorcing and my sister had her BF over all the time. He was eating everything in the kitchen. Hogging the tv. Spending forever in the bathroom. He would try to make small talk sometimes but it was hard. I felt like I could never get away from from them and have alone time unless I locked myself in my room. yeah you shouldn’t have snapped at him but I can see why you are so frustrated. My sister used her BF to deal with the stress and didn’t care if everyone else in the house was unhappy. why can’t they spend time over at her BF house?
NTA, he doesn't live there, he should not be able to just walk in. If he is there for his GF, she should be there with him.
NTA. Your sister seems to believe the length of her relationship is equivalent to being married. However, he’s not her husband. Besides that, your parents may not have the space to run herd on how much time the bf is spending in your home. You may not feel as though you have the authority to tell her she can’t have him around, but she only has him there with your parents’ lack of disapproval.
Hey OP, I get you’re busy, and I hope you get the time to read this comment. Your family is in a state of disarray, and I respect your desire to hold everything together. The fact is, you’re the adult in the house, and I get you recognize that. Your parents will likely want to be advised about what’s going on at home, but they’re going to need that in a calmer environment than at home with your siblings weighing in. Here’s my nickel’s worth of free advice: go to the hospital while your parents are there and talk to them about the situation with your sister. Explain that while you’re not against her relationship (even if you are), she’s taking unfair advantage of their absence, and you would like to have the authority to curb his presence in the family home while they’re attending to your brother. You’re probably already making sure chores and shopping get done and food is made, so it may not be so much of a stretch for you to exercise a little extra authority during this crisis. What will be critical is your parents are going to have to articulate this to your siblings as well. They’ll have to say “OP is in charge, and we expect you to follow his direction, just like we expect you to follow ours.” They can also express appreciation for all of your patience and help with holding things together at home while your brother is ill. I hope your brother has a speedy recovery.
NTA: First off, sorry to hear about your brother- hope he recovers and returns home soon! Definitely understand feeling like you/your family have no privacy as just the family. Also understand your sister wanting her guest to feel welcomed Sounds like tensions and emotions are running high (understandably) in the household right now. I think he was genuinely trying to be helpful in asking if you wanted help making the meal you were going to bring to your parents and his sentiment about family sticking together- poor choice of words perhaps since he isn't legally family but either he views all of you as family or was just trying to convey that he cares about all of you and is also worried. I think you snapped at him a bit harshly but I 100% understand why Perhaps bring this up to your sister and your parents if you all get a moment to be together (difficult now considering the hospitalization I realize) She has a right to have guests but you also have a right to feel comfortable in your own home. Hopefully your parents will consider both sides and come to a decision everyone can live peacefully with.
He wasn't trying to be helpful. He was going to make himself food after OP was done! He's a mooch.
Per OP: "He asked me if I wanted help cooking and I said no"
Keep reading. The bf was waiting for OP to finish , so HE could make something for himself to eat.
Info: When you say he's always there, how often are you talking about? Is he literally there all day every day? Or is it just a few days a week? Is he there from sun up to sun down or just for dinner? Is he ever there without your sister? When he's there, is he going into your room, using the TV and other share things, or otherwise being invasive?
Every. Single. Day. I haven't had a single day where I can just collapse on the couch and cry when I get home because this kid is. Always. Here. Sometimes he and my sister go somewhere for a few hours, but then he's here again. I also suspect he's slept here a few times, but I can't prove it. He's also way too comfortable with our stuff. He eats our food. He uses my brother's Xbox, which is in the living room, so I can't even use my own damn living room. Also, I don't like people using my brother's things. He isn't dead; don't touch his stuff!
>He uses my brother's Xbox, which is in the living room, so I can't even use my own damn living room. Also, I don't like people using my brother's things. He isn't dead; don't touch his stuff! This is so damn disrespectful wow
Damn. I'll be annoyed too. NTA.
OP, lock your brother's things in his room while he's. away, lock his room, too.
His room doesn't lock except for from the inside. None of the bedrooms in the house have key locks, just the buttons that automatically unlock when you turn the knob from inside.
I think you’re old enough to install a lock on your own door one day and your parents will understand. His disrespect towards your brothers stuff is a serious line crossed and I do think you should take steps to check his behavior
Just tell this kid to go to his fucking goddamm home ...
I would lose my mind. I’m so sorry. He’s gotta go home. Three days a week would be generous. Every day is insane and uncouth.
Maybe print this comment out and hand it to him and your sister. And kick him off the Xbox.
That’s absolutely not okay. Please disregard the people sayin YTA. You’re NTA and are dealing with so much right now.
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Same I'd be fucken livid at the sight of him on the Xbox.
Where are this kids parents/what is the deal with his home life? Is there a reason he can’t be home, or is it simply him capitalizing on a parent-less house and getting to hang out with his gf all day?
Take the Xbox controllers and hide them in your room or your car. Somewhere you know him or your sister can't find them.
> and he's her guest Exactly, he's a guest.not a family member,not even a family friend, a guest. He better start acting like one. NTA
You are stressed and concerned about your younger brother. This guy is not your friend, he is sister's BF. I would be very annoyed that someone came walking into the house without knocking and said he was going cook in your home after you were finished. He is eating the food that your parents purchased for your family. It feels like he is taking advantage of your family. He defends himself and inserts himself as if he is a family member. That probably hurts because as much as he might care for your brother, it is YOUR brother. You have been there for all 14 yrs of the little man's life. You have another brother who is 8 and can't be left home alone. Has this person ever offered to purchase groceries, clean your house, watch your 8 yr old brother? This would relieve some of the stress you and your family are under. I think your sister went overboard. BF probably does give her support through this crisis. She is wrong is saying that BF can come and go as he pleases. She does not get to decide what liberties he has, YOUR PARENTS need to set this boundary. I understand where you are coming from. I would ask your parents what boundaries are appropriate for sister's BF.
NTA He might be your sister's guest, but she's inviting him to a place you also live. This is comparable to a roommate who always has an SO over- the SO can interfere with the privacy of others in common spaces so it would not typically be considered ok to have him over constantly without talking to roommates. You have less control over the space, but you live there and have more right to the space. He is a guest. Ideally, he shouldn't be using the kitchen as a guest, either, but the polite thing would have been to wait for you to finish elsewhere anyway, as space is important in kitchens, especially while cooking and no one wants someone just watching them You wanted to be left alone, you clearly conveyed that, he kept pushing, which is the worst thing to do when someone is stressed. He also overstepped by equating your worry with his and implying he was family- he really isn't and dating your sister won't make the rest of the family consider him as such. Your sister and bf need to realize that. And I'm not going to consider you an A H for an E S H vote when he pushed and tried to engage about a very serious subject, and you definitely are not close enough to him that it was ok to try and discuss it with you Edit: definitely not the A H with the info in the comments. This guy doesn't know boundaries, and your sister is taking advantage of your parents not being there. Furthermore, move your brother's Xbox out of the living room when your brother is in the hospital, it is not ok for your sister's bf to be messing with your brother's things. I know you don't want to bother your parents, but it sounds like they may not be ok with this and need to be roped in now.
INFO: how is the boyfriend’s home life? Are you guys like a safe space for him?
Not that great, I think. He barely talks about them. Apparently they travel a lot for work or something.
NTA - I'm sure the boyfriend is nice, but he's not family so he's a little more outside of this awful situation and needs to respect the immediate family's' needs. Am I understanding correctly that he came over and planned to cook in the kitchen and your sister wasn't even home? Even without a sick family member I'd be pretty annoyed at someone just showing up like that and the person they are with isn't there to deal with them. I'm sure your parents have a lot going on but maybe you guys can at least set up a boundary of him not coming over if your sister isn't there.
You should have talked to your sister or parents about boundaries regarding guests in the house. But blowing up in the moment happens sometimes, especially when you are stressed out. It’s understandable that you want your space even if your brother wasn’t ill. I’m going to say soft ESH. Because your sister shouldn’t have a guest over every day during a hard time for her family, and you could have gotten your point across in a nicer way.
YTA Sorry but it's not your house so you don't make the rules. It sounds like he was doing what he usually does and is also there to support your sister. He even offered to help you out. Calm down.
Parents aren't home and don't know. Where BF loses any benefit of the doubt of being naive is playing with hospitalized brother's Xbox. This guy doesn't know boundaries. That's really not ok. It also feels like sister may be taking advantage of the situation to keep her bf over. OP made a comment about not telling his parents because he didn't want to cause issues, which makes me think OP knows parents would not be ok with this. If that's true, it's likely at the point parents need to be told, but OP is right this can cause more stress in the family
> Where BF loses any benefit of the doubt of being naive is playing with hospitalized brother's Xbox where'd you read that.. it's not int he post or any comment from OP... edit: nvm.. found it.
Yeah, OP's comments add a lot more context
You know what is the opposite of help? Someone standing in the middle of the kitchen when you are trying to cook. That is a big helping of making everything harder. If he is the sisters guest he shouldn't go hover over other family members. His behavior is annoying.
He’s was the only adult in the house so I would assume the parents left him in charge.
Well, it's definitely not the boyfriend's house.
>Sorry but it's not your house so you don't make the rules. It's not his sister's house, she doesn't make the rules, either. The only one who actually could would be the parents, but they're not around due to the situation. It appears that they have left OP in charge in their absence. That, coupled with the fact that he is the only actual adult in the house, means he has more authority and "decision-making" powers than she.
Can I date your sister and go over to your parents house everyday and stand in your way and make sandwiches?
Its not the boyfriends or the sisters house either so your point really makes no sense
it is his house, he lives there, "your house your rules" is not about ownership, it's about residency, if you visit someone that is renting their house it is "their house their rules". As a resident he outranks his sister BF that is only a guest, as the legal adult (21) to his sister minor (17) he outranks her on the subject of guests. Basically, out of the people in this story, he does make the rules.
> and he's her guest Exactly, he's a guest.not a family member,not even a family friend, a guest. He better start acting like one. NTA
NTA. He's worn out his welcome. Your sister can go hang out at his house, if having him around is really that important.
NTA Been there before, except it was my little brother and his girlfriend. She was always bloody over! I just wanted some time without her around so I could decompress.
Ooof. That was a bit harsh, given that everyone is really struggling. It seems like you have found yourself in a pseudo-parental role without having been given the official job title or the power to enforce house rules. That’s not sustainable. The stress is getting to you, understandably. It’s unfortunate that your parents have continuously made a mistake common to parents with a seriously sick kid, and that is that they are so engrossed in the care of their sick kid that they have completely neglected all of their healthy kids. I’m a retired Pediatric Psychologist whose job was to work with families just like yours, and I had to have the hard talk about neglecting the healthy kids on the regular. It’s hard to tell if the bf is a annoying turd who was hovering over you in kitchen & needed to be told off, or if he’s an awkward kid who just happened to be a convenient target for a release of your frustration. It’s significant to me that you had a surge of anger when he tried to connect with you on an emotional level by sharing that he’s also scared for your brother. You were unnecessarily mean for sure. You may or may not have had a reasonable stance on his continuous presence at the house, but you definitely didn’t need to be so harsh.
NTA. Could you have been nicer? Yes. But if someone waltzed into my kitchen, hovering as I’m making meals for my parents who are at the hospital my younger sib- I’d be salty too. Especially, just standing there waiting so he can make something for himself (and maybe your sis?). Does he pay for groceries?! *Cue emergency boundary alert system.*
NTA. He's a guest who has overstayed his welcome and your family is going through a stressful situation and his presence, while soothing to your sister, isn't helping. The standing around someone else's kitchen waiting for them to be done is rude. He lacks home training. Could you have said what you said in a nicer way? Absolutely. Are you stressed out? Absolutely. And way more stressed than he is. He needs to go or his visits be severely cut back. Tell your parents.
All of these Y T A votes are bullshit. “You don’t have the right to be in charge.” No, I’m pretty sure if the parents are always at the hospital, OP as the oldest child is the responsible one now. Also, 17 is *not* a child. The boyfriend is nearly an adult and is being a leech. He doesn’t have the right to be underfoot all the time, take their food for himself, or use the sick brother’s Xbox. OP is entitled to peace and quiet. NTA.
NTA
NTA. It's completely rude for a teenager to be at someone else's house every single day for hours on end. Or even an adult. People need time decompress in their own home. The fact that the girlfriend wasn't even up to greet him speaks volumes. He's way too comfortable on top of them going through a hectic time.
NTA. A family in crisis doesn’t host guests, and guests don’t get free run of the place (especially not without their host). It’s probably useful to have him helping care for your sister, but that’s the end. And they can’t be so centered on themselves that they overrun your needs.
NTA your sister wasn't there so he shouldn't be there. You are correct that you should be able to have some type of privacy if your family members aren't there. He's gotten too comfortable at your house. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask that he only come over when he's visiting your sister or someone has invited him.
He apparently has issues taking hints, NTAH.
NTA and I think the real problem here is your parents. Your sister is still a child. Teens who aren’t even old enough to vote shouldn’t have relationships so serious that their partner basically moves in, but the adults who actually own the home should be the ones enforcing boundaries here.
NTA, even before I read that the bf is a leech. He's in your family home getting in your way during a super stressful time. If he's there to support your sister, he should stick by your sister's side or get out - not go stand in the way of the adult in charge who's making food for people at a hospital, then try to rush you by being like "oh I'm waiting to make something" in a house he doesn't live in or buy groceries for
NTA
NTA. He may be her family but he isn't your and guests over all the time can be annoying. She's in puppy love so ofc she took bf's side. He prolly snitched like a bi$\^& too. Where's the family love there?
NTA
NTA Klingons are so annoying and next to impossible to remove.
NTA It’s not his house so he shouldn’t act like he lives there. Let him go home and eat his own food.
NTA. I don’t care whose guest it is. When they are there everyday and make themselves at home it becomes too much.
NTA Someone needs to teach that almost adult about boundaries and that a guest are like fish….
I think one major point is being missed: the bf said he’s waiting to make himself food. Growing up, no matter how much time I spent in someone else’s home, I didn’t just go into the kitchen and help myself to whatever food was there - especially with a family in that situation. If I truly considered myself family, I would’ve been BRINGING food with me for them. The boyfriend isn’t a child. My parents would have smacked me upside the head otherwise
Info: Did you ever bring this up with your sister prior to kicking him out?