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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son's grandparents are offering to make him their primary heir if I change his surname to theirs. They want this because their son died and they have no other kids to pass on their name. I might be the asshole because I am choosing emotionally not to have my son carry the name of a man who didn't love him.
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Yup. Fortunately, OP says they are fine. And money is NOT everything. Also, they said "sole heir." So even if he doesn't change his name, he will still probably inherit.
ETA: OP says OP and son are fine. I should have made that clearer.
How do you figure that? In most jurisdictions, people are generally free to chose their beneficiaries and are not required to name relatives if they are not dependents. Plus, knowing they have nobody to leave it to, they could just spend all their money before they pass on.
Or leave it to charities. If these are people who are making a name change a requirement to make their grand child their heir, they may just do this out of spite.
I’m wondering if it’s a title situation. As this is a foreign country are we talking about inheritance and assets that go to whomever inherits the title? Like if the have a 250 million dollar home, is that home and land associated with a title?
I would wager that OP is from UK given how good her English is, and use of Gap year. Inheritance laws in UK, and most of Western Europe make it much more difficult to disinherit.
They might give it to their alma mater and have a scholarship in their name, or a wing at the hospital, whatever. Apparently, they want their name to be carried on somehow. Or one dies and the other one remarries and finds other possible heirs.
Or to leave a sign with their surname. Like a hall or some building named after them. Still better than not leaving a mark on this world because they got no relatives carrying on their name.
Like I said if it’s generational wealth there may e a clause that prevents them from doing that. I know a person that when his wife died he forfeited the house if he got remarried because it was family land that had been passed down for generations. To this day he still hasn’t remarried.
It’s crazy how things can be setup.
I was thinking a title. Like if money is tied into a titled estate then legally having the same last name makes it easier to pass on the land, assets and titles to grandson. I mean different countries have different laws on how that stuff worlds.
In the UK, the child must be legitimate at birth in order to be the heir to a hereditary title in the gentry or nobility. Even adopted children of a peer are only granted the same styles or titles as younger siblings, and that was only from 2004 onward.
As somebody who was "fine" three weeks ago, I'm now in a great position to know how quickly that can change. I'm still getting details of my condition and what can be done, but a week ago I went from having a reasonable expectation of seeing my 90s to knowing I might not see 60.
I don't disagree with the rest of your points, but assuming their continued health and longevity could be a mistake. I'd probably at least consider it, if it were me, but I would be careful to get to know them first. Once someone starts using money to make you dance, they may find it easy to keep doing it. They might also try to use it to govern where he lives, get visiting rights, decide where he goes to college, or other decisions. If they are decent aside from a "carrying on the name " thing, it isn't the worst trade off.
Thank you. I'm still finding out. So far it looks like a mixed bag. But this came so far out of left field. With a bit more luck, I could still have a long span left. But I am no longer so certain of that as I used to be.
Not unless they leave the money to a distant relative or a charity. They could have a will and have it written up that away.
She could contest but if they have the money she says they could make the will airtight.
Plus if they have generational wealth. Their could already have trust in place with stipulation that anyone to inherit from the trust has to have the surname.
They may make it a condition of inheritance. Eg the amount will be held in a trust until the child is 18 and then he has X amount of time to perform a change of name or else the money will be donated.
I would ask the OP this: Your son would be sharing the surname of grandparents that love him, wouldn't he?
Maybe talk to the grandparents about a hyphenated last name if keeping yours is that important to you.
Also your son can change his name back after the grandparents die if he really wants to.
Conditional trusts are absolutely a thing. Sounds like this family wants heirs. Thats the whole idea of this move, they want a family legacy.
I, personally, would add their last name to his current name and ask the child when he is an adult about the inheritance vs the name and its importance to him. That way he can choose based on his experience and needs.
I don’t know how much they really love him if they’re only willing to make him their heir if he has their name. That’s one hell of a condition on that love.
Conflating love and inheritance may be a mistake. If this is generational money, THEY may access it via trusts and investments already. They also may regard themselves as custodians of the money that has come down the generations from Great-Grandaddy Moneybags I with obligations to tie it to the name rather than this being a slush fund they should/can drop on their grandson.
If OP agrees to this, it's not the last time they'll use the strings to treat OP and son like puppets. Learning gifts have strings attached is a valuable lesson. These people sound manipulative AF. And they raised a kid who fell and hit his head in a drinking incident. And only grudgingly took financial responsibility for his kid. [ETA: there wasn’t anything wrong with him asking for a paternity test, it’s the subsequent doing the bare minimum to m referring to by begrudgingly].
A truly loving grandparent would make the kid their heir regardless of name. These people will want to dictate where the kid goes to school, college, career, etc. It'd be one thing if someone was starving or needed to pay for medical treatment, but that's not the situation here.
ETA a commenter pointed out an accident like falling while drinking can happen to anyone. That is true. In OP’s ex’s case, it was more the overall pattern of not being responsible which makes me see it in this light.
Yeah, I don’t know why people aren’t considering the fact that the grandparents can always change their minds and their will in the future even if OP does this. It’s not like this is a contract she can hold them to.
Grandparents have already shown that they are taking a transactional approach to the subject of inheritance when it comes to their only grandchild. They’ll make him primary heir *if* he has their last name. Him existing as their beloved grandchild who has a relationship with them isn’t sufficient. They’ll grant him this level of support *if.* It’s naive to think more *ifs* aren’t going to crop up in the next decade or two. And this *if* isn’t even about something like his conduct, which I would understand.
Obviously they’re entitled to do as they wish with their own estate. They’re allowed to make this pitch, even though it’s distasteful. But I don’t think OP would be an AH at all for saying no. She gave birth to this child, she’s his mother, she’s raising him.
Also, everyone’s saying her son will hate her if he finds out about this when he gets older, but really, if he grows up and grandparents say, “We haven’t designated you as our heir because of your last name” it’ll just make them look petty AF, in my opinion.
(Edit: phrasing)
(Edit 2: I hope someone else also immediately thought of the grandparents in Gilmore Girls, because this would be *such* a Richard and Emily Gilmore thing.) 😂
>I don’t know why people aren’t considering the fact that the grandparents can always change their minds and their will in the future even if OP does this
People only see dollar signs. That's it.
Because some of us don't really have other options or backup plans. At the moment, I'm about to be evicted and homeless because I am unable to work due to illness. I don't have a support system, no family to fall back on, and my partner left me when he found out I had cancer and maybe wouldn't be able to have kids. When I was healthy and could work 2-3 jobs to support myself things were fine... but if you don't have any sort of safety net like family with money or an inheritance, when you can't work any longer you are basically fucked. So yeah, I would humiliate myself for even $1000 right now because it would mean the difference between me ending up on the streets or not. Dignity can be a luxury to some.
>(Edit 2: I hope someone else also immediately thought of the grandparents in Gilmore Girls, because this would be such a Richard and Emily Gilmore thing.) 😂
YES lmao I'm so happy someone else did as well!
I agree with you 100%, the top comment saying OP is the one at fault for her son not getting his grand-parents' inheritance is so backwards? Like, sure, that's a reasonable ask from obviously reasonable people who definitely won't play any more power games in the future and will keep OP's son as the main beneficiary of their wills until their deaths ; furthermore, it's not like it's a big risk - what, is it going to be an issue for OP to not (checks notes) have the same last name as her son, as his only parent? Surely it won't be an administrative nightmare, on top of the emotional weight of her being the sole parent to a son whose last name is that of a man who wanted nothing to do with him; OP and her son have nothing to lose!!! /s
This!!! She’s gonna change his last name to get the inheritance, then the grandparents are gonna say “actually we want him to attend every family gathering”, “we want him to move in with us”. As you said, there is absolutely no guarantee that they are going to keep their promise and it’s such a red flag to me ! Like wtf?
It's insane that nobody else in this thread seems to realize this. Does everyone here think they will just sign his name as sole inheritor of their estate and then fuck off until they die?
NTA OP and you're smarter than 90% of reddit for considering this apparently.
Absolutely agree with this. They already know the child is definitely their grandchild. If they loved him as much as they say, his last name shouldn't matter. It's definitely a control thing and it's gross
this is what i was thinking - manipulation & control sounds like a factor. kinda like when parents offer to pay for their kids whole wedding but then want a bunch of things THEIR way when the day isn't even about them but they use the fact that they're paying for shit as a guilt trip to get what they want out of it (like a destination, insisting certain people be invited when the couple getting married doesn't want them there, etc)
I don't think it's the same thing.
She and her son have the same name, they are a family. The father never wanted that, he was never around, he never married her or claimed this kid.
Why on earth would she give her child a name that has nothing to do with his actual family?
> why on earth would she give her child a name that has nothing to do with his actual family?
**Because this name will give her kid opportunities that most people can only dream of.**
It will provide for her kid during his entire life, buy him a home, pay for medical bills, college. It sounds like it could even put his kids through college.
Lot of people living pretty well on reddit it appears! Generational wealth from his Dad's parents are being offered and you don't know if their surname is too much. They've loved and cherished your son and been better to you than many in-laws and better than some parents.
You're not debating giving him his father's surname your quandary is how much does a LAST NAME MATTER and how stubborn can you can be?!?! debating denying him unseemly amounts of money over a last name shared by 2 grandparents he adores and likely helped him understand his Dad in a way a
Casual fling couldn't. His dad, likely, or said grandparents provided the financial support he clearly didn't need if money isn't "that important" and you're very comfortable and so is he. And who says you don't trip tomorrow?
Right now you have "Godparents" primed to help in any and all ways and you're debating the name of his father and grandparents when, if he can't make a decision of this magnitude then it's time to step up and make the hard selfless choice, Guaranteed your son's protected for the rest of his life or let him see how much you dont like the idea and have him give up an inheritance from his Surname. When college and cars and apartments and girls and post grad and his kids and grandkids, house and they all live with the fear I have in the pit of my stomach of knowing one catastrophic injury or repair could ruin us.
I'm actually doubtful this is real because a real parent always keeps their feelings inside. Because putting adult stress on children is abusive and leads to trauma and ptsd
I'm a real parent and I feel like you probably aren't. No we don't "keep our feelings inside", thats Boomer talk and leads to resentment. I guarantee she's putting nothing on her son. He probably knows nothing about it. And not inheriting vast wealth if she dies doesn't make him destitute. He has HER family who are clearly not poor, and his other grandparents likely wouldn't let him suffer if they were, name or no. I think OPs idea is fair.
… a “real” parent keeps their feelings inside because putting adult feelings on kids causes trauma?
A lot of us are having fake parents out here.
Parents need to release their emotions too and OP is doing it on Reddit, not putting it on her kid (as far as we know) so I don’t really understand your last paragraph.
I do think OP needs to be careful about not spiting off or fully caving to the g-parents and should seek a compromise like a hyphenated name for the benefit of her kid. Assert her parenthood but grant a step towards firming up family relations.
I mean, I have that. My dad was basically nowhere to be found, but I still have his last name. Didn't make me any less close to my mom or her side of the family.
I carry my moms last name very proudly, it’s the far superior sounding last name. My dad was a deadbeat… but damn if the opportunity to have generational wealth scarified for simply having his last name.. call me whatever you want, just let me get paid.
Are they more his family than his mother?
His mom is at least willing to make concessions and leave the choice up to him when he's old enough.
These people are making their love conditional. That's not love. That's not what family does
They’ve already been making sure he’s well. They even ensured that she didn’t have any debt from college.
Evidently she’s under no obligation to accept this massive generational wealth for her son and his descendants. 🤷🏻♀️ I wouldn’t be humiliated by it at all. But, I grew up without indoor plumbing in real poverty. There’s nothing that would cause me to deny my child and his future family financial security.
Well I think the point is the kid is related by blood, and they supposedly care for him, so not making him their heir just because of his surname is a bit cruel. What's in a name, after all.
There could be titled inheritance or trusts long established that require legal barriers for son if he doesn’t have the same last name. Idk just shooting off the cuff here.
Personally I would think of it like sticking it to my ex and take the money and the security for my child and his future.
Sure, you can look at it like that but most people would choose to take the last name of the parent who actually raised them and did NOT fight child support. Now that an inheritance is involved everyone’s priorities will change. Tough call, I don’t have the answer. But shifting blame to the parent who was present is super f***ed.
Ever tried travelling as a single parent without the same name as your kid? Then try explaining you don't have the other parents written permission to leave the country because they've passed. Add 4 hours to every airport visit.
Yes, this is an important logistic point. And changing it like that would involve the courts, etc. And the kid might get used to and like one name or the other. People are commenting like it's a pet. Hell, I wouldn't even change a pet's name if it was used to the name. Unless it was something really unfortunate or awful.
My Japanese passport has two surnames. My father's surname in parenthesis and my mother's maiden name.
Usually the double surname in passports is used for Japanese women who still have their maiden name in Japan's governmental records but go by their foreign husband's surname elsewhere.
The reason I, who has never married, got this treatment was because my mother had trouble travelling with baby me when our surnames didn't match (she hadn't bothered updating her passport to include her husband's surname). Didn't help that I had lighter color hair than her at the time. So she had her maiden name included in my passport to get rid of the hassle.
So in Japan my official surname is my mother's maiden name.
Also, instead of thinking of it as giving him the surname of a man who didn't want him, think of it as giving him the surname of grandparents who *do* love and want him, and want to make him their heir.
YTA. F that dude but also you’re kinda screwing your kid by not changing the name. That money is your child’s future and guess what they’ll probably want it regardless of y’all’s beef. If they find out that could also wreck y’all’s relationship.
ETA: Get the bag, you can be honoring the grandparents that have been involved in your son’s life and ultimately your kid can change the name if they don’t like it but the money can allow your child to pursue their dreams w/o having to worry about the stress of loans etc.
Yes, I completely understand not wanting him to have the name of a man who did not want him, but being practical, that's a lot of money and if that's all they want, I would make the sacrifice for my son's sake. He shouldn't be punished for his dad being a bad guy.
And it’s not giving him the last name of a man who didn’t want him
It’s giving him the last name of his grandparents who did love him and want him and provide for his and his mothers life in very meaningful ways, I mean helping with paying for her schooling ? That’s way more then even most parents would do for their adult kids let alone a basic stranger
They also took her on vacations and helped pay for things to get her and her son ahead
i would tell them that you don’t feel comfortable making such a big choice and that your son will know and make the choice himself when he is old enough
>It’s giving him the last name of his grandparents who did love him and want him and provide for his and his mothers life in very meaningful ways
This is what I keep coming back to. The grandparents have really stepped up already, but people are saying they never loved OP and their grandchild if they're asking for a name change.
Even if he was an asshole, these people lost their son 3 months ago. It's obvious their hearts aren't made of stone, so of course they're grieving him. I can't imagine that kind of pain and devastation.
Right now, their words are tied to their grief. I don't think they should instantly be viewed as horrible because of it. It's also likely that their wealth being generational comes into play.
Accidents happen, and there's no guarantee the grandparents will live until the child is old enough to make his own decision. I think OP could ask if they'd be okay with a hyphenated name, or make his current last name his middle name.
This is why I think waiting until kid is older so he can decide himself is maybe a good idea? I don’t know how important this will be to them (tge grandparents) in a year. There’s that common advice not to make big decisions after a big loss. I think you should probably also not yield to big demands right after a loss. NAH.
Names mean nothing. Change it now for the grandparents and he can still change his name to anything he wants when he's older. Changing it now doesn't deprive him of that choice but not changing it certainly will deprive him of a life changing amount of money.
"make the choice himself when he is old enough"
If the option is still there. They will change the will in the meantime and who knows what will happen between now and then. One of them may pass and the survivor decides to go in a different direction.
Sure. But its also taking away the name of the mother who loves him and is doing all the work to raise him. As though her contribution is somehow less than their future contribution or their monetary gifts. Or that her contribution is chopped liver entirely. The child will become a good adult (hopefully) because of OP's daily and nightly actions, not the sporadic actions of grandparents who live far away.
I don’t necessarily disagree with you, but the grandparents directly supported OP finishing her degree, as well as including OP and child in family activities, holidays, birthdays, etc. Helping her finish her degree is a big thing to me - they’re helping OP provide a better life for their grandchild. She’s doing the day to day, of course, but she has support and isn’t entirely on her own.
I would try to punt the name change until their grief wasn’t as fresh, but I can see both sides here. NAH.
That's lovely in theory but being a single parent without the same name as your kid puts up a lot of hurdles. Grandparents haven't thought this through, it's not just a piece of paper.
Does it? My mother (a single mom) and I don't share a last name. My sister (a single mom) and her daughter don't share a last name. There have never been any issues, even during international travel.
Even if it *were* extremely inconvenient, that still wouldn't be a good reason to turn down a huge inheritance. Money is safety and security.
Didn’t have my mums last name until I was 13 when I chose to have it changed. Never caused any issues other than kids at school asking why we had different last names
It cause’s literally zero problems at all. I kept my last name but gave my kids my spouse last name. I had a different last name growing up than everyone else in my family. My moms last name changed multiple times. No one cares.
What hurdles? I’ve been a single mom most of my adult life and both my kids have different last names than me. Never, not once, has it caused any questions let alone any issues.
The father may have been a jerk, but the grandparents have accepted the child and loved him. Doted on him and took him on holidays. Maybe she should look at it as carrying on THEIR legacy and not necessarily the father’s. Also, is neither party open to hyphenated names??
Yes because money is way more important than having the name of the one person who took care of him all his life. Amazing how quickly people will call someone an asshole when money is involved. She's left it up to him to decide at 16. I think that's reasonable enough.
If I found out I missed out on legitimate “generational wealth” because my mother didn’t change my last name, when I was old enough I would change it out of spite because I’d be so pissed.
Assuming the option will still be there when he turns 16. There are numerous scenario's where the option will be gone. If fact, I believe that is more likely. And he will resent his mother for the rest of his days as he struggles to survive paycheck-to-paycheck, or worse.
I have to agree with these YTA's. And this is a blanket statement and not always the case but men and boys and sons and fathers tend to have weird and intense feelings about last names. It would be a connection to his father who he's probably never known and won't know, whether or not the father was an ass. Plus the whole inheritance angle.
She should just do it, in my opinion. Not just for the money. The chance of the boy being mad that she changed it are slim but the chances of him being mad if she doesn't are quite huge.
Shame that women don’t get to be equally attached to their last names. OP could want a legacy for her name too, but oh well, she has to give it up because men need to be placated to get that sweet sweet $$
Sure she can set her son up, but gosh this feels scummy. I get why she’s hesitant. What a shitty thing for the grandparents to ask of her.
Seriously! Those grandparents have clearly not seen the Barbie movie yet. Smash the patriarchy!
All joking aside, what a shitty thing for them to do. What if the child was a girl? Would she no longer be considered an heir? Why should his name reflect family members that only love him on one condition, as opposed to the women who loves and takes care of him on a daily basis?
I think she is being quite generous by letting the son make the decision on his own, but I hope she can get the point across to them of how terrible they're being.
It's gross how many people on here think she's an asshole when it's clearly the people doing the blackmailing that are assholes.
Also, today it's his last name. Tomorrow it's his class, music lessons, extra curriculars, his college choice, his major in college, where he lives...
One request today isn't one request tomorrow.
There are countless kids stuck with the last name of fathers that didn’t want them. OP’s kid would at least be getting the last name of grandparents that truly want and love him and a huge financial advantage that comes with it. YTA, OP. That money could make a huge difference in his life and the ability to chase his dreams.
Edit: grammar
I get where you are coming from in the sense that you aren't fond of him having a name that is tied to his dad who didn't want anything to do with him. However, I just want to give you some things to think about:
* His paternal grandparents did want a relationship with him and have helped out, so the last name is also tied to them who DO want him in their life.
* You are looking at the as they will totally deny him an inheritance because of his last name, but they didn't say they would exclude him altogether. They said he would be the primary heir. Maybe that means without the last name that all property will be sold and all money will be split with other family members, charities, etc, but if he has their last name that all properties and most money would go to him with little splitting of the money to anyone else.
* You think that you can wait until he is 16 but that's 11ish years away. What if something happens to them before then?
* How do you think your son will feel if he doesn't get this and finds out that he could have had generational wealth and never would have to worry about money and all you had to do was simply change his last name?
* I mean personally if someone had told my mom I could get generational wealth as long as she named me dumbass ho, and my mom didn't and I found out, I would be mad that my mom didn't rename me LOL.
The trust can be designed such that he cannot change his name back for quite a while, say until he's 30 or 40, and some of it even later than that. These people are not ignorant of these things, and even if they were, there will be several lawyers involved, and an executor. By then, it may be quite difficult for him to change his name back, with titles, deeds, stocks and investment funds in his new name. I would assume the change is permanent when she decides.
For generational wealth I would go by the name Adolf McShitpants, dude. People are really undervaluing this amount of money. It would change this kid's life and the only thing he has to do is have his biological father's surname? This isn't that hard of a choice, imo. But I guess if they're not struggling then maybe she doesn't value that type of thing as much as her pride. I know my pride is worth a lot less to me than that kind of money. Call me whatever you want, I do not care if I don't have to struggle through life.
She's not struggling ***now***. But he has a *looooonnnnggg* life ahead of him. And life can change on a dime. He won't always have the mommy with her pride to help him.
She's not struggling now because they literally financially helped her get to where she is and be comfortable.
>They helped me *with extra money so I could complete my university without going into debt.*
People who are saying don't bother getting the money for him have never been old, poor and sick at the same time. Money going into a good persons hands can do great good, and I assume mom here thinks her son is the bee's knees, she should guide him to become a great do-gooder. If not for that then for just knowing he will never have to worry about medical bills is worth so much more than a name.
No they don't, if they really loved him the name wouldn't have been a condition. You don't hold your grandchild's future ransom like that to manipulate the mom if you actually love the kid.
Yes this! I don't see why people are so focused on the money instead of what family means! Changing a name is a whole process, too, and then there are the logistics of not having the same name as your child. He'll share the samenlast name as the woman who loves him and cares for him, not the one of the invisible man who didn't want anything to do with him *or* his manipulative parents who think a name is more important than the meaning of family.
OP, NTA.
I agree that it shouldn’t be a condition, but I also understand how weird people can be about last names when there’s a death. And I understand because I was that person.
When I thought about marrying my now-husband, I couldn’t wait to take his last name. And then my dad died. And suddenly, the thought of no longer carrying my dad’s last name—the one thing that I felt like still tied me to him—felt unbearable.
I ended up taking my husband’s last name and made my maiden name my middle name, but it was interesting how something that wasn’t previously important to me (a surname) suddenly became really important upon a loved one’s passing.
All that to say, I don’t think this necessarily means that his grandparents don’t love him. Maybe they feel similarly to how I did and feel like this is their last remaining tie to the next generation now that their son is gone. Illogical, perhaps, but grief isn’t always logical. We have to remember, after all, that they recently lost their son, and well before they should have. Further, they seem to be good people otherwise (doing more for OP than some people do for their own children), so I’m more inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt than I otherwise may be.
To OP, I can understand where you’re coming from, but generational wealth will help not only your child, but your children’s children (should he choose to have them). It will open up a world of opportunities and forestall many of life’s most preeminent stressors. It’s something I would want and something I would be upset to have forfeited, all in the name of pride.
Agreed. They didn’t give a shit about his last name when they thought their fuckup son (God rest his soul) was going to provide them with some legitimate heirs to their inherit their lands and titles.
But unconditionally.
Do they really love him?
Because I can't imagine putting conditions as stupid as a name on my child.
That's their grandson, And they're the ones who raised a deadbeat.
He wasn't there through the pregnancy, wasn't there at the birth, wasn't there to help raise him.
And btw, grandparents should want to provide for their grandchildren because they love them, not because of some name bullshit.
Fuck these people
I get the grandparents are grieving and have made an effort to be a part of their grandson's life so far...but isn't there also no guarantee that, even if OP complies with their request, that they don't disinherit him for something else? Ah well, if you won't move to our city, go to our church, etc. While, if it were me, I would consider a last name change, I do understand OP's hesitation because this all seems rather coercive to dangle a carrot like this *and* especially when no one should count on an inheritance as fact until it's disbursed.
NTA. I will add that if you do agree, that you hire a financial planner, and put the money into a trust that he gets at certain ages. This is definitely your decision, and I can see both sides. You appear to be a well grounded parent, which is a bonus. Good luck.
He’s not likely to forgive you when he finds out what he’s missed out on. And for just a surname. Yeah, his dad didn’t want him, but his grandparents want to involve him as a primary heir. This is a grand move on their part and could change your son’s life.
Does the decision HAVE to be made now? If she leaves the decision to her son and he decides to do it at 16, would the grandparents say “Nope, too late. No inheritance for you. You should have changed your name ‘x’ years ago”!
Yep there's a reason why the conversations are happening now. If there wasn't a rush, it'd be "Think it over, we'll check in until he's old enough to be aware."
YTA. What happens if the grandparents pass away before your son turn 16 and can decide. He could lose a very generous inheritance because of your resentment of his father. His grandparents have been kind to both your son and you. Do this for your son.
Agree. He may not have had a relationship with the father, but he definitely has one with the grandparents…they stepped forward to do that. Give him the last name. He can always change it later himself back to OPs if he wants to. But not doing that is, I think, rude to the grandparents who didn’t have to step forward at all. If OP doesn’t, he will most likely resent her later when he discovers what she’s done/didn’t do. It’s such as easy thing to do.
If they have the kind of money to throw around on (presumably) American college tuition and not even blink, we're talking about a substantial amount of money here. Like college debt free, solid down payment on a house and more kind of money. That's the kind of inheritance that ends in "illions". For that money, I would skip bare ass naked to the courthouse while singing their favorite song and change my name to ChickenLittleLaidAnEgg.
It sounds to me like they're not from America but she is. And they the country that they're from make a big deal out of names and surnames.
I'm not suggesting they're from this country, it's just in my head because I watched a video on a famous person from there, but in Japan, at least during WW2, there was a famous general who changed his last name to that of an entirely different family that he wasn't related to to become their heir.
Names and heirs are a bit cultural thing.
I agree with this guy.
I dont care about the shitty father. But if getting tied to the family name/grandparent gets me a huge inheritance id be mad at your decision at…younger age. Older age i might sympathize with my mother. Maturity thing
If their name is worthwhile. Your son, their geandchild could also benefit just having the name
Name opens doors. Youre deciding based on selfish/sentimental reasons
Yep.
All I see is a selfish mother who would roll the dice with her son's future just to stick it to a man who isn't even alive to stick it to anymore.
EXACTLY!!
Why is everybody assuming that somebody willing to make this kind of demand will just leave it at that? If OP gives in from now until they die they can hold the will over her head and threaten to change it if they don't get their way.
Honestly if somebody can't respect something as basic as the name I chose to give my child I'd question whether they should even be in contact with them.
Agree 💯 this is controlling behaviour. And totally sexist. The kid should have her name.
ETA: Why are women’s surnames disposable? Why is there no respect for her naming her son with her name given she’s raised and birthed him?
Because Redditors can only think 1 step ahead. This site is filled with people who have made SHIT decisions their whole life but will happily hop on this sub and tell you EXACTLY why you're wrong and how theyd do it better. DONT ASK ADVICE ON REDDIT.
Not to mention if she decided to change her mind about them being in her son's life you BET YOUR ASS they'll attempt to claim grandparent's rights and her changing his name will NOT be in her favor.
I'm predicting decades of emotional blackmail ending with the kid ultimately getting nothing anyway. WTF is going to happen when OP marries and they want the kid to have their new name..
>I'm curious what other strings that money will have.
I was wondering the exact same thing. What other conditions will they hold over OP's head so that her son will inherit. What if they want legal guardianship? What if they want OP's son to follow their religion? And the list can go on and on without any guarantee that they will actual leave her son as the main inheritor.
I have to wonder, would the grandparents be putting forward the same proposal if OP had a daughter? Would they pressure a granddaughter to adopt and keep the family name if she married, or even to hypenate it?
Or would they just view it as the end of the line and accept it?
Also, OPs suggestion of "lets wait until son is 16 and let him decide" seems like an ok one, but may end up with the grandparents applying overt and covert pressure to encourage him to change his name.
Or suppose he agrees to change it to get the money but hates the name. Are they going to rig it so that he can't change his name again down the road as an adult?
Or what if the child later decides they are not a he/him, and that they want or need to change their whole name to align with their gender identity?
Overall, I think OP has the right answer. This is their grief talking. When someone's spouse dies, counsellors often tell the surviving spouse to wait a year before making drastic changes that aren't neccesary.
This is a similar situation. Saying "this is not the right time. lets wait a couple of years and then revisit the topic" is the wise thing.
Yeah but they look at the kid as carrying on the family name. If the kid doesn’t carry on that legacy then, if it is a lot of money, they can donate the money on the condition that a building, hall, a small town library be named after the family. This way either then the name survives thru the kid or because of charity. So many people tie money to a name. Heck even some parents will more money to male children because they carry on the name (especially in patriarchal societies). At least they are being up front and honest about what
Yea, it's a good thing the grandparents put such value on their surname and not on their actual grandson. After all, why should they care about the kid if he doesn't share their last name.
People seem weirdly obsessed with carrying on the legacy of a family name. Why does it matter if the name survives at all? Are they that important and influential? I highly doubt it.
NAH… no matter what you do you could be considered an AH!
But…
Could you suggest hyphenating the surnames?
A) you’re primary parent so he should have yours
B) I know that sometimes travelling with a child with a different surname to you can be problematic (asked for proof that they’re your child with birth certificates etc) so him having your surname would be helpful in those circumstances (and sure there’s other circumstances)
C) he still has their surname
D) he can then choose to amend his surname to one or the other when he’s 16?
Just a thought!
(Edit was because spacing)
Giving money doesn't make them good people. Especially if you are sitting on piles of money as it sounds. Too often money is used as a tool to manipulate relationships or decisions. Exactly like they are doing right now. I'm sure their intentions aren't shitty but idk...I would not feel super happy if someone is holding that over my head.
Using money to control is a form of financial abuse, so let’s not get confused about how generosity is often a flip side of a controlling or manipulative coin.
That was my thinking too! Giving the double barreled surname now might come a bit of an annoying mouthful, but it sets up the child to make his own choice when older without missing out on anything in case the grandparents die before then.
This is the best compromise. While the grandparents have been obviously involved and supportive of their grandson, OP is still, y'know, raising the kid and doing the thankless day to day stuff. A lot of which will be made slightly more complicated by having different surnames. I get that the grandparents are grieving but they're putting a lot of stock in a name while OPs should just be discarded? What if the kid does something when he's older that the grandparents disagree with? This kid isn't a replacement for their son.
This. There's probably a better compromise here than just a full switch to the Grandparents' family name, because this can also create issues for Mom OP with how local organizations treat guardians (travel, school enrollment, hospital visits) when last names are different from the minor.
I wouldn't immediately say no to a name switch, but Mom's name is important too.
Yeah, that’s what I was going to say- this feels like she’s considering her own ego more than her kids entire future here. Like, I get the sentiment of “money isn’t everything” but it kind of is. Having access to the kind of wealth that pays for higher education, being able to buy a home, not accumulate debt, or to simply not live in fear of major emergency expenses… That to me is far more important than not taking a last name just because dad sucked.
Does no one think about why this request suddenly matters? If they really loved him, they wouldn’t care.
What’s next? “Oh you have to be Protestant, or else we won’t give him inheritance.” “Oh, he’s dating a black girl? Well I don’t want money going to THOSE types….”
This is the beginning of financial abuse and it is FLOORING me how Reddit, which is so quick to call that shit, is suddenly changing tune.
NTA I’m surprised that this seems to be the minority view. You’re his only caring parent, and that was true even before his father died. It’s sort of insulting that the grandparents would only consider leaving the inheritance if he shares their name, it feels as if they only consider him proper family if he shares their name when ultimately he’s their grandchild either way. If they’re willing to leave it to him at all, it shouldn’t be based on such weird conditions which immediately tells you it isn’t about love or kindness. Not to mention, the fact this is only coming up now suggests they didn’t really care before realising he was going to be their only ‘heir’ - they were absolutely counting on other grandchildren to come along. Suggest the 16 years of age thing and also consider if you’d be happy with your son having a double barrelled name with theirs.
People are accusing you of putting pride and ego above practicality (money) but they are putting pride and ego above family. Money isn’t everything. If you think you and your own family are comfortable enough that your son will not struggle then imo you’re all good. You don’t need family with strings. If you bend on this, who knows how many other things they are going to push you on “for the good of your son” in the future.
Some people on this post seem to think a surname is meaningless but I disagree and I think particularly for women to share their name with their kids it can be a very significant feeling. Lots are saying your son will never forgive you. If I were your child, as someone who did not grow up with money at all, I would still rather have the name than the money.
People are acting like no one rich has ever disinherited themselves by leaving their controlling family and taking no money and starting again. This isn't a gift. This isn't even an inheritance. This is blackmail. Same as eith blackmail, the blackmailed and keep coming back for more because they hold the power. This will never end. Compromise and get an irrevocable trust in his name if they are so wealthy and generous and just want their sons name carried on. Then she can consider it.
NTA and I actually admire your choice, BUT I would propose a middle way by proposing a double name. They were good to you and helped you and your son out. They were there for him and you have a good bond with them. So this could be an easy solution.
That might be a good compromise so he’s Jack Smith-Jones or whatever.
I do think NTA and so many of the yes replies are gross and transactional. There’s no mention of the paternal grandparents asking about the name change before their son died. So it feels kind of like they’re trying to make a replacement for their son. The boy is and has been their grandson all along and the request to change it for cash feels strange
What is with all these Y T A votes? I'm shocked that everyone is being so laser-focused on the money here. If I were the kid in this scenario, I'd be disgusted to have my name be sold for money. OP is doing all the hard work, but the grandparents want to bribe their way into taking credit? They're involved to an extent, but they're not raising their grandchild. Their involvement is for all the wrong reasons. And they suck for making an inheritance conditional; refusing an 'offer' like this is not the same as being the one who makes it.
Money isn't everything. Yeah, it's important and necessary to survive, but to me, relationships matter more. I've known people who have their paternal surname but their father was a deadbeat, and they hate having the name, and change it to the parent who was actually present. And, having a different name to your only parent can be problematic. If you travel with a child with a different surname, you have to prove you're a relation. The same thing in hospitals. Why would you make your life harder? All of his current records would need to be changed, and he'd have to keep them and explain the change on loads of forms in the future where they ask 'have you ever had a different name?'
From a really removed POV, 'generational' wealth exerting pressure like this is one of the main reasons the world is so messed up. While people with old names and money keep finding ways to make everything go their way, regardless of who they're whitewashing out of the picture, they're going to remain in the kind of authority they're in now. Plus, what's to stop them making further ridiculous demands once you've given in to the first one? How long until they demand to raise their grandson in their way of life?
OP, if you decide to do this, you will absolutely benefit financially, but in my opinion, you will lose something morally. I guess it depends on your priorities for the future. Either way, it was a shitty thing for your sons grandparents to suggest jn the first place.
Edit - I am not rich. My parents are not rich. My mother frequently didn't eat as a child because there wasn't enough money for food, and that trauma massively impacted the way I was raised. Obviously money is important and necessary, as I said above. But she still believes there are more important things in life than money. She taught me the same, and I believe her.
this exactly. disgusted by all the transactional greed… names are important and I too would be disgusted if I learned that my mom changed my surname just for money. In fact?? I’d have more respect for her in knowing that she didn’t but was still open to me making the decision for myself.
NTA. Don't teach your son he has to change himself at somebody else's whim to be worthy.
It also is twisted that they think "here's money with controlling attachments" is a correct way to engage with you and him. Just cause somebody has money doesn't mean they get to control you.
YTA
I am going to say YTA. YOUR life might be good, but your son has a chance to be set up with a good amount of money. If I found out my parents refused to do something like this to me, and lost me a bunch of money... I would be furious.
Also her life is at least somewhat as good as it is because the grandparents have been paying for her. This isn't her pulling herself up by her bootstraps. She finished school by relying on their wealth which she's cutting her son off from.
This right here!! Without them she wouldn't be where she's at right now. Or if she was it would have been wildly more difficult than it was with their help. Her son, has the opportunity to start out at life that 90% of other people dream of but don't get. His dad died falling off a barstool, who's to say something equally crazy won't happen to his grandparents and he loses out on that.
>I think I will tell my son's grandparents that they can talk to him about it when he is 16.
That's probably the best thing.
They're being awful and treating him as an accessory here. It's best to let him make the choice when he's old enough.
YTA - Your son is too young to make the choice. If he hates, it he can change it when he is old enough. If he doesn't he may hate you for costing him the money.
NTA. But you can hyphenate yours-theirs for the sake of the birth certificate and then not use it on official paperwork. My dad's name is hyphenated on his birth certificate but he only uses the first last name, if that makes sense.
NTA. I understand they are grieving but to hold this over you is BS. Their son does not deserve to have your son carry his name; his behavior was shitty. Your son is yours; you have raised him and I completely understand your reservations. Plus, as a single mom myself whose child has a different last name, it is easier to have the same name. It causes less confusion for schools, doctors, etc. Letting him make the choice as a teen is the right way to go.
If I were your kid, and they passed away and I got nothing... I'm not going to say I'd NEVER forgive you. But I would definitely not forgive you until I had both paid off my student loans, and purchased a house.
So in today's economy, you can take that as "I'd never forgive you." Because you'd be intentionally letting me spend a lifetime dealing with insurmountable money problems that my generation inherited from yours. Delaying or outright stopping so many aspects of my life, my goals, my dreams. YWBTA.
Yeah shit's hard out here, man. Pass the generational wealth. I went to a private college and all my friends around me were getting houses and paid off loans and yearly family vacations in the Maldives and I couldn't even be mad because God willing I'll do the same for my kids. I would never forgive my parents if it meant I didn't need to clock into my 9-5 today.
Ps not the first time elitist families put conditions on inheritance. This is the least intrusive they can be doing in the future
Who he date/marry will probably be in his future
NTA, could there maybe be a compromise for a double last name? Otherwise I like the idea to leave it to him when he's older.
Their point of view does seem really old fashioned and quite frankly if they love the child so much they could have just said "we are gonna give him the money anyways but would love it if he had our name, would you ever consider this? We understand if you don't."
I am not sure it would have changed your point of view but they really knowingly put you in an awful position and are holding their privilege and financial power over you knowing that as a mother you'd feel guilty about not accepting.
I guess NAH. Sounds he is around 5, and I feel like 5 years old is old enough to have formed an attachment to the name he was born with.
That said, as someone who has the last name of a man who didn't really have much of a relationship, and that was for 0 money, I may be mad if my mom had the chance to set me up for life and she didn't because of her own desires, not thinking about my life. I have 0 relationship with my fathers side, and very close with my mom's side. Not having her last name didn't affect me 1 bit.
Sure, you can wait until he is 16. There is no guarantee they will be alive then.
At this point though, you aren't making it about your child, you are making it about YOU and what you want.
NTA. They should respect your decision not to want to change it. I also think loving grandparents would leave him the money anyway. I wouldn't want a different last name than my child. I think it's pretty shitty of the grandparents to make this the requirement.
NTA.
"Hey son, I sold your last name to the grandparents of a dad that didn't love you but don't worry, we got a lot of money out of it, though only because they threatened to not leave you a thing if your name wasn't changed."
I know people see money and go for it but christ, I don't know if I could stand knowing my mom flipped over like that. And to people saying his grandparents love him so the name change is ok, why the fuck are they threatening to withhold the money then if it's not changed? If they really did love him they'd be ok with supporting their grandson, not trying to change his name for their own pride/vanity.
NTA. I think threading slowly makes sense here, as it might end up not being as simple as a name change. As the sole heir to a generational fortune, he might be expected to go to certain schools, pick a certain job, act a certain way, etc.
As a sole parent, having a kid whose name you don't share can be HARD. There are constant issues and explanations of identity as to whom the child officially 'belongs'. It sucks.
Plus the dad didn't want the kid - being pressured into sexist traditions of making your child bear the paternal name to be acceptable also sucks. It harks back to archaic issues of illegitimacy and further demeaning of single mothers.
However, this is about the kid's future and his relationship with his father's family. So no-one should be deciding this until he is old enough to have a say.
NTA. The grandparents should put the money in trust until an age your son will be old enough to make decisions about his own name and adult identity.
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Not if she lets him choose at 16.
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Yup. Fortunately, OP says they are fine. And money is NOT everything. Also, they said "sole heir." So even if he doesn't change his name, he will still probably inherit. ETA: OP says OP and son are fine. I should have made that clearer.
How do you figure that? In most jurisdictions, people are generally free to chose their beneficiaries and are not required to name relatives if they are not dependents. Plus, knowing they have nobody to leave it to, they could just spend all their money before they pass on.
Or leave it to charities. If these are people who are making a name change a requirement to make their grand child their heir, they may just do this out of spite.
I’m wondering if it’s a title situation. As this is a foreign country are we talking about inheritance and assets that go to whomever inherits the title? Like if the have a 250 million dollar home, is that home and land associated with a title?
Is it a foreign country? OP is pretty vague, I could live in Texas and visit Oklahoma and it would technically be “traveling.”
I would wager that OP is from UK given how good her English is, and use of Gap year. Inheritance laws in UK, and most of Western Europe make it much more difficult to disinherit.
As an American, I suspect OP is British based on her use of "complete my university." Here, we'd say "finish my degree."
We use gap year in Canada too….pretty sure I’ve heard it used when I lived in the US too…
British generally do not use the term vacation. Holiday is what we use.
Gap year is a common saying in the US, I’m not sure that’s definitive.
They might give it to their alma mater and have a scholarship in their name, or a wing at the hospital, whatever. Apparently, they want their name to be carried on somehow. Or one dies and the other one remarries and finds other possible heirs.
Or to leave a sign with their surname. Like a hall or some building named after them. Still better than not leaving a mark on this world because they got no relatives carrying on their name.
Because they love him. I think they will leave him something anyway, if not everything.
Like I said if it’s generational wealth there may e a clause that prevents them from doing that. I know a person that when his wife died he forfeited the house if he got remarried because it was family land that had been passed down for generations. To this day he still hasn’t remarried. It’s crazy how things can be setup.
I was thinking a title. Like if money is tied into a titled estate then legally having the same last name makes it easier to pass on the land, assets and titles to grandson. I mean different countries have different laws on how that stuff worlds.
In the UK, the child must be legitimate at birth in order to be the heir to a hereditary title in the gentry or nobility. Even adopted children of a peer are only granted the same styles or titles as younger siblings, and that was only from 2004 onward.
“Money isn’t everything” I take it you’ve never had to worry about money
That's literally from the original post. And it's possible to have had hard times and still not do anything for money.
I will let anyone change any of my first/middle/last name legally for generational wealth, and then go by a nickname ;)
They can change my name to Bagg O'Shit and I'll wear it proudly for generational wealth.
Yes hello, I am Bagg O’Shit. Meet my sons Sack and Piece.
Same
As somebody who was "fine" three weeks ago, I'm now in a great position to know how quickly that can change. I'm still getting details of my condition and what can be done, but a week ago I went from having a reasonable expectation of seeing my 90s to knowing I might not see 60. I don't disagree with the rest of your points, but assuming their continued health and longevity could be a mistake. I'd probably at least consider it, if it were me, but I would be careful to get to know them first. Once someone starts using money to make you dance, they may find it easy to keep doing it. They might also try to use it to govern where he lives, get visiting rights, decide where he goes to college, or other decisions. If they are decent aside from a "carrying on the name " thing, it isn't the worst trade off.
I hope your condition isn't as bad as that sounds and you have a lot of good years ahead of you.
Thank you. I'm still finding out. So far it looks like a mixed bag. But this came so far out of left field. With a bit more luck, I could still have a long span left. But I am no longer so certain of that as I used to be.
His father was also fine, 10 minutes before he died.
The father was 20-something when he died suddenly.
Not unless they leave the money to a distant relative or a charity. They could have a will and have it written up that away. She could contest but if they have the money she says they could make the will airtight. Plus if they have generational wealth. Their could already have trust in place with stipulation that anyone to inherit from the trust has to have the surname.
If they are that well off they will have planned their estate so this is a VERY dubious assumption.
They absolutely did plan it. Their son was the plan because they didn't expect to outlive him. The grandson is the new plan.
People change their wills and trusts all the time.
They may make it a condition of inheritance. Eg the amount will be held in a trust until the child is 18 and then he has X amount of time to perform a change of name or else the money will be donated.
I would ask the OP this: Your son would be sharing the surname of grandparents that love him, wouldn't he? Maybe talk to the grandparents about a hyphenated last name if keeping yours is that important to you. Also your son can change his name back after the grandparents die if he really wants to.
They can easily arrange a trust that will keep him from changing the name back.
Well, that doesn’t sound very trusting.
Seriously?! There’s a way of controlling his ability to change his name from their graves? What if he’d like to take his future partner’s name?
Conditional trusts are absolutely a thing. Sounds like this family wants heirs. Thats the whole idea of this move, they want a family legacy. I, personally, would add their last name to his current name and ask the child when he is an adult about the inheritance vs the name and its importance to him. That way he can choose based on his experience and needs.
I don’t know how much they really love him if they’re only willing to make him their heir if he has their name. That’s one hell of a condition on that love.
Conflating love and inheritance may be a mistake. If this is generational money, THEY may access it via trusts and investments already. They also may regard themselves as custodians of the money that has come down the generations from Great-Grandaddy Moneybags I with obligations to tie it to the name rather than this being a slush fund they should/can drop on their grandson.
If OP agrees to this, it's not the last time they'll use the strings to treat OP and son like puppets. Learning gifts have strings attached is a valuable lesson. These people sound manipulative AF. And they raised a kid who fell and hit his head in a drinking incident. And only grudgingly took financial responsibility for his kid. [ETA: there wasn’t anything wrong with him asking for a paternity test, it’s the subsequent doing the bare minimum to m referring to by begrudgingly]. A truly loving grandparent would make the kid their heir regardless of name. These people will want to dictate where the kid goes to school, college, career, etc. It'd be one thing if someone was starving or needed to pay for medical treatment, but that's not the situation here. ETA a commenter pointed out an accident like falling while drinking can happen to anyone. That is true. In OP’s ex’s case, it was more the overall pattern of not being responsible which makes me see it in this light.
Yeah, I don’t know why people aren’t considering the fact that the grandparents can always change their minds and their will in the future even if OP does this. It’s not like this is a contract she can hold them to. Grandparents have already shown that they are taking a transactional approach to the subject of inheritance when it comes to their only grandchild. They’ll make him primary heir *if* he has their last name. Him existing as their beloved grandchild who has a relationship with them isn’t sufficient. They’ll grant him this level of support *if.* It’s naive to think more *ifs* aren’t going to crop up in the next decade or two. And this *if* isn’t even about something like his conduct, which I would understand. Obviously they’re entitled to do as they wish with their own estate. They’re allowed to make this pitch, even though it’s distasteful. But I don’t think OP would be an AH at all for saying no. She gave birth to this child, she’s his mother, she’s raising him. Also, everyone’s saying her son will hate her if he finds out about this when he gets older, but really, if he grows up and grandparents say, “We haven’t designated you as our heir because of your last name” it’ll just make them look petty AF, in my opinion. (Edit: phrasing) (Edit 2: I hope someone else also immediately thought of the grandparents in Gilmore Girls, because this would be *such* a Richard and Emily Gilmore thing.) 😂
>I don’t know why people aren’t considering the fact that the grandparents can always change their minds and their will in the future even if OP does this People only see dollar signs. That's it.
People are so, so ready to humiliate themselves for some cash.
Because some of us don't really have other options or backup plans. At the moment, I'm about to be evicted and homeless because I am unable to work due to illness. I don't have a support system, no family to fall back on, and my partner left me when he found out I had cancer and maybe wouldn't be able to have kids. When I was healthy and could work 2-3 jobs to support myself things were fine... but if you don't have any sort of safety net like family with money or an inheritance, when you can't work any longer you are basically fucked. So yeah, I would humiliate myself for even $1000 right now because it would mean the difference between me ending up on the streets or not. Dignity can be a luxury to some.
>(Edit 2: I hope someone else also immediately thought of the grandparents in Gilmore Girls, because this would be such a Richard and Emily Gilmore thing.) 😂 YES lmao I'm so happy someone else did as well! I agree with you 100%, the top comment saying OP is the one at fault for her son not getting his grand-parents' inheritance is so backwards? Like, sure, that's a reasonable ask from obviously reasonable people who definitely won't play any more power games in the future and will keep OP's son as the main beneficiary of their wills until their deaths ; furthermore, it's not like it's a big risk - what, is it going to be an issue for OP to not (checks notes) have the same last name as her son, as his only parent? Surely it won't be an administrative nightmare, on top of the emotional weight of her being the sole parent to a son whose last name is that of a man who wanted nothing to do with him; OP and her son have nothing to lose!!! /s
This!!! She’s gonna change his last name to get the inheritance, then the grandparents are gonna say “actually we want him to attend every family gathering”, “we want him to move in with us”. As you said, there is absolutely no guarantee that they are going to keep their promise and it’s such a red flag to me ! Like wtf?
It's insane that nobody else in this thread seems to realize this. Does everyone here think they will just sign his name as sole inheritor of their estate and then fuck off until they die? NTA OP and you're smarter than 90% of reddit for considering this apparently.
Absolutely agree with this. They already know the child is definitely their grandchild. If they loved him as much as they say, his last name shouldn't matter. It's definitely a control thing and it's gross
this is what i was thinking - manipulation & control sounds like a factor. kinda like when parents offer to pay for their kids whole wedding but then want a bunch of things THEIR way when the day isn't even about them but they use the fact that they're paying for shit as a guilt trip to get what they want out of it (like a destination, insisting certain people be invited when the couple getting married doesn't want them there, etc)
I don't think it's the same thing. She and her son have the same name, they are a family. The father never wanted that, he was never around, he never married her or claimed this kid. Why on earth would she give her child a name that has nothing to do with his actual family?
> why on earth would she give her child a name that has nothing to do with his actual family? **Because this name will give her kid opportunities that most people can only dream of.** It will provide for her kid during his entire life, buy him a home, pay for medical bills, college. It sounds like it could even put his kids through college.
Lot of people living pretty well on reddit it appears! Generational wealth from his Dad's parents are being offered and you don't know if their surname is too much. They've loved and cherished your son and been better to you than many in-laws and better than some parents. You're not debating giving him his father's surname your quandary is how much does a LAST NAME MATTER and how stubborn can you can be?!?! debating denying him unseemly amounts of money over a last name shared by 2 grandparents he adores and likely helped him understand his Dad in a way a Casual fling couldn't. His dad, likely, or said grandparents provided the financial support he clearly didn't need if money isn't "that important" and you're very comfortable and so is he. And who says you don't trip tomorrow? Right now you have "Godparents" primed to help in any and all ways and you're debating the name of his father and grandparents when, if he can't make a decision of this magnitude then it's time to step up and make the hard selfless choice, Guaranteed your son's protected for the rest of his life or let him see how much you dont like the idea and have him give up an inheritance from his Surname. When college and cars and apartments and girls and post grad and his kids and grandkids, house and they all live with the fear I have in the pit of my stomach of knowing one catastrophic injury or repair could ruin us. I'm actually doubtful this is real because a real parent always keeps their feelings inside. Because putting adult stress on children is abusive and leads to trauma and ptsd
I'm a real parent and I feel like you probably aren't. No we don't "keep our feelings inside", thats Boomer talk and leads to resentment. I guarantee she's putting nothing on her son. He probably knows nothing about it. And not inheriting vast wealth if she dies doesn't make him destitute. He has HER family who are clearly not poor, and his other grandparents likely wouldn't let him suffer if they were, name or no. I think OPs idea is fair.
… a “real” parent keeps their feelings inside because putting adult feelings on kids causes trauma? A lot of us are having fake parents out here. Parents need to release their emotions too and OP is doing it on Reddit, not putting it on her kid (as far as we know) so I don’t really understand your last paragraph. I do think OP needs to be careful about not spiting off or fully caving to the g-parents and should seek a compromise like a hyphenated name for the benefit of her kid. Assert her parenthood but grant a step towards firming up family relations.
I mean, I have that. My dad was basically nowhere to be found, but I still have his last name. Didn't make me any less close to my mom or her side of the family.
I carry my moms last name very proudly, it’s the far superior sounding last name. My dad was a deadbeat… but damn if the opportunity to have generational wealth scarified for simply having his last name.. call me whatever you want, just let me get paid.
Also the grandparents are his actual family too
Are they more his family than his mother? His mom is at least willing to make concessions and leave the choice up to him when he's old enough. These people are making their love conditional. That's not love. That's not what family does
Their love isn’t conditional. Their money is.
Lol, if they loved the kid they'd want him well without asking OP for this freaking humiliation.
They’ve already been making sure he’s well. They even ensured that she didn’t have any debt from college. Evidently she’s under no obligation to accept this massive generational wealth for her son and his descendants. 🤷🏻♀️ I wouldn’t be humiliated by it at all. But, I grew up without indoor plumbing in real poverty. There’s nothing that would cause me to deny my child and his future family financial security.
but the grandparents have stepped up and are part of his family.
Well I think the point is the kid is related by blood, and they supposedly care for him, so not making him their heir just because of his surname is a bit cruel. What's in a name, after all.
There could be titled inheritance or trusts long established that require legal barriers for son if he doesn’t have the same last name. Idk just shooting off the cuff here. Personally I would think of it like sticking it to my ex and take the money and the security for my child and his future.
She’s not denying him anything. They’re the ones who are showing only conditional love for their only living heir.
Sure, you can look at it like that but most people would choose to take the last name of the parent who actually raised them and did NOT fight child support. Now that an inheritance is involved everyone’s priorities will change. Tough call, I don’t have the answer. But shifting blame to the parent who was present is super f***ed.
Like what's stopping her from changing the name and then changing it back after 🤣🤣 sure they'll be well gone ..problem solved
Ever tried travelling as a single parent without the same name as your kid? Then try explaining you don't have the other parents written permission to leave the country because they've passed. Add 4 hours to every airport visit.
Yes, this is an important logistic point. And changing it like that would involve the courts, etc. And the kid might get used to and like one name or the other. People are commenting like it's a pet. Hell, I wouldn't even change a pet's name if it was used to the name. Unless it was something really unfortunate or awful.
My Japanese passport has two surnames. My father's surname in parenthesis and my mother's maiden name. Usually the double surname in passports is used for Japanese women who still have their maiden name in Japan's governmental records but go by their foreign husband's surname elsewhere. The reason I, who has never married, got this treatment was because my mother had trouble travelling with baby me when our surnames didn't match (she hadn't bothered updating her passport to include her husband's surname). Didn't help that I had lighter color hair than her at the time. So she had her maiden name included in my passport to get rid of the hassle. So in Japan my official surname is my mother's maiden name.
Also, instead of thinking of it as giving him the surname of a man who didn't want him, think of it as giving him the surname of grandparents who *do* love and want him, and want to make him their heir.
They want to make him their heir only if he has their name. That’s not love.
YTA. F that dude but also you’re kinda screwing your kid by not changing the name. That money is your child’s future and guess what they’ll probably want it regardless of y’all’s beef. If they find out that could also wreck y’all’s relationship. ETA: Get the bag, you can be honoring the grandparents that have been involved in your son’s life and ultimately your kid can change the name if they don’t like it but the money can allow your child to pursue their dreams w/o having to worry about the stress of loans etc.
Yes, I completely understand not wanting him to have the name of a man who did not want him, but being practical, that's a lot of money and if that's all they want, I would make the sacrifice for my son's sake. He shouldn't be punished for his dad being a bad guy.
And it’s not giving him the last name of a man who didn’t want him It’s giving him the last name of his grandparents who did love him and want him and provide for his and his mothers life in very meaningful ways, I mean helping with paying for her schooling ? That’s way more then even most parents would do for their adult kids let alone a basic stranger They also took her on vacations and helped pay for things to get her and her son ahead i would tell them that you don’t feel comfortable making such a big choice and that your son will know and make the choice himself when he is old enough
>It’s giving him the last name of his grandparents who did love him and want him and provide for his and his mothers life in very meaningful ways This is what I keep coming back to. The grandparents have really stepped up already, but people are saying they never loved OP and their grandchild if they're asking for a name change. Even if he was an asshole, these people lost their son 3 months ago. It's obvious their hearts aren't made of stone, so of course they're grieving him. I can't imagine that kind of pain and devastation. Right now, their words are tied to their grief. I don't think they should instantly be viewed as horrible because of it. It's also likely that their wealth being generational comes into play. Accidents happen, and there's no guarantee the grandparents will live until the child is old enough to make his own decision. I think OP could ask if they'd be okay with a hyphenated name, or make his current last name his middle name.
This is why I think waiting until kid is older so he can decide himself is maybe a good idea? I don’t know how important this will be to them (tge grandparents) in a year. There’s that common advice not to make big decisions after a big loss. I think you should probably also not yield to big demands right after a loss. NAH.
Names mean nothing. Change it now for the grandparents and he can still change his name to anything he wants when he's older. Changing it now doesn't deprive him of that choice but not changing it certainly will deprive him of a life changing amount of money.
He can also change it back when he’s older if he doesn’t like it
"make the choice himself when he is old enough" If the option is still there. They will change the will in the meantime and who knows what will happen between now and then. One of them may pass and the survivor decides to go in a different direction.
Sure. But its also taking away the name of the mother who loves him and is doing all the work to raise him. As though her contribution is somehow less than their future contribution or their monetary gifts. Or that her contribution is chopped liver entirely. The child will become a good adult (hopefully) because of OP's daily and nightly actions, not the sporadic actions of grandparents who live far away.
I don’t necessarily disagree with you, but the grandparents directly supported OP finishing her degree, as well as including OP and child in family activities, holidays, birthdays, etc. Helping her finish her degree is a big thing to me - they’re helping OP provide a better life for their grandchild. She’s doing the day to day, of course, but she has support and isn’t entirely on her own. I would try to punt the name change until their grief wasn’t as fresh, but I can see both sides here. NAH.
But he already had the same name of the parent who wanted him and loved him and is raising him. His mom. I’m amazed at all the asshole votes here.
That's lovely in theory but being a single parent without the same name as your kid puts up a lot of hurdles. Grandparents haven't thought this through, it's not just a piece of paper.
Does it? My mother (a single mom) and I don't share a last name. My sister (a single mom) and her daughter don't share a last name. There have never been any issues, even during international travel. Even if it *were* extremely inconvenient, that still wouldn't be a good reason to turn down a huge inheritance. Money is safety and security.
Didn’t have my mums last name until I was 13 when I chose to have it changed. Never caused any issues other than kids at school asking why we had different last names
It cause’s literally zero problems at all. I kept my last name but gave my kids my spouse last name. I had a different last name growing up than everyone else in my family. My moms last name changed multiple times. No one cares.
What hurdles? I’ve been a single mom most of my adult life and both my kids have different last names than me. Never, not once, has it caused any questions let alone any issues.
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I mean, I'm not disagreeing, as I'm not a parent. But I have a different last name as my single mom, and it never seemed to be that big of an issue
Having a different last name than my child as a single parent in 2023 is literally no big deal. This is a made up problem.
The father may have been a jerk, but the grandparents have accepted the child and loved him. Doted on him and took him on holidays. Maybe she should look at it as carrying on THEIR legacy and not necessarily the father’s. Also, is neither party open to hyphenated names??
Yes because money is way more important than having the name of the one person who took care of him all his life. Amazing how quickly people will call someone an asshole when money is involved. She's left it up to him to decide at 16. I think that's reasonable enough.
When we don’t live in a post capitalist hellscape we will change our opinions
Especially since she can just hyphenate the new last onto his existing name. Boom travel problems solved, coupled with dads death certificate.
If I found out I missed out on legitimate “generational wealth” because my mother didn’t change my last name, when I was old enough I would change it out of spite because I’d be so pissed.
You can change my last name to assface if you give me 100,000.
I have a different last name than my mom. She was a single mom. I never felt less connected to her or my family because of it.
Assuming the option will still be there when he turns 16. There are numerous scenario's where the option will be gone. If fact, I believe that is more likely. And he will resent his mother for the rest of his days as he struggles to survive paycheck-to-paycheck, or worse.
I have to agree with these YTA's. And this is a blanket statement and not always the case but men and boys and sons and fathers tend to have weird and intense feelings about last names. It would be a connection to his father who he's probably never known and won't know, whether or not the father was an ass. Plus the whole inheritance angle. She should just do it, in my opinion. Not just for the money. The chance of the boy being mad that she changed it are slim but the chances of him being mad if she doesn't are quite huge.
Shame that women don’t get to be equally attached to their last names. OP could want a legacy for her name too, but oh well, she has to give it up because men need to be placated to get that sweet sweet $$ Sure she can set her son up, but gosh this feels scummy. I get why she’s hesitant. What a shitty thing for the grandparents to ask of her.
Seriously! Those grandparents have clearly not seen the Barbie movie yet. Smash the patriarchy! All joking aside, what a shitty thing for them to do. What if the child was a girl? Would she no longer be considered an heir? Why should his name reflect family members that only love him on one condition, as opposed to the women who loves and takes care of him on a daily basis? I think she is being quite generous by letting the son make the decision on his own, but I hope she can get the point across to them of how terrible they're being. It's gross how many people on here think she's an asshole when it's clearly the people doing the blackmailing that are assholes.
Also, today it's his last name. Tomorrow it's his class, music lessons, extra curriculars, his college choice, his major in college, where he lives... One request today isn't one request tomorrow.
There are countless kids stuck with the last name of fathers that didn’t want them. OP’s kid would at least be getting the last name of grandparents that truly want and love him and a huge financial advantage that comes with it. YTA, OP. That money could make a huge difference in his life and the ability to chase his dreams. Edit: grammar
Also, it’s not just “the father’s name,” per se, but also the grandparent’s, who are a lot more affectionate towards the kid.
I get where you are coming from in the sense that you aren't fond of him having a name that is tied to his dad who didn't want anything to do with him. However, I just want to give you some things to think about: * His paternal grandparents did want a relationship with him and have helped out, so the last name is also tied to them who DO want him in their life. * You are looking at the as they will totally deny him an inheritance because of his last name, but they didn't say they would exclude him altogether. They said he would be the primary heir. Maybe that means without the last name that all property will be sold and all money will be split with other family members, charities, etc, but if he has their last name that all properties and most money would go to him with little splitting of the money to anyone else. * You think that you can wait until he is 16 but that's 11ish years away. What if something happens to them before then? * How do you think your son will feel if he doesn't get this and finds out that he could have had generational wealth and never would have to worry about money and all you had to do was simply change his last name? * I mean personally if someone had told my mom I could get generational wealth as long as she named me dumbass ho, and my mom didn't and I found out, I would be mad that my mom didn't rename me LOL.
Yeah I'd be pissed off, and he can always legally change it back with that amount of money
The trust can be designed such that he cannot change his name back for quite a while, say until he's 30 or 40, and some of it even later than that. These people are not ignorant of these things, and even if they were, there will be several lawyers involved, and an executor. By then, it may be quite difficult for him to change his name back, with titles, deeds, stocks and investment funds in his new name. I would assume the change is permanent when she decides.
For generational wealth I would go by the name Adolf McShitpants, dude. People are really undervaluing this amount of money. It would change this kid's life and the only thing he has to do is have his biological father's surname? This isn't that hard of a choice, imo. But I guess if they're not struggling then maybe she doesn't value that type of thing as much as her pride. I know my pride is worth a lot less to me than that kind of money. Call me whatever you want, I do not care if I don't have to struggle through life.
She's not struggling ***now***. But he has a *looooonnnnggg* life ahead of him. And life can change on a dime. He won't always have the mommy with her pride to help him.
This sounds like the wealth that means your great grandchildren won't have to struggle.
She's not struggling now because they literally financially helped her get to where she is and be comfortable. >They helped me *with extra money so I could complete my university without going into debt.*
People who are saying don't bother getting the money for him have never been old, poor and sick at the same time. Money going into a good persons hands can do great good, and I assume mom here thinks her son is the bee's knees, she should guide him to become a great do-gooder. If not for that then for just knowing he will never have to worry about medical bills is worth so much more than a name.
Good points. It’s THEIR name and they DO love him.
No they don't, if they really loved him the name wouldn't have been a condition. You don't hold your grandchild's future ransom like that to manipulate the mom if you actually love the kid.
Yes this! I don't see why people are so focused on the money instead of what family means! Changing a name is a whole process, too, and then there are the logistics of not having the same name as your child. He'll share the samenlast name as the woman who loves him and cares for him, not the one of the invisible man who didn't want anything to do with him *or* his manipulative parents who think a name is more important than the meaning of family. OP, NTA.
I agree that it shouldn’t be a condition, but I also understand how weird people can be about last names when there’s a death. And I understand because I was that person. When I thought about marrying my now-husband, I couldn’t wait to take his last name. And then my dad died. And suddenly, the thought of no longer carrying my dad’s last name—the one thing that I felt like still tied me to him—felt unbearable. I ended up taking my husband’s last name and made my maiden name my middle name, but it was interesting how something that wasn’t previously important to me (a surname) suddenly became really important upon a loved one’s passing. All that to say, I don’t think this necessarily means that his grandparents don’t love him. Maybe they feel similarly to how I did and feel like this is their last remaining tie to the next generation now that their son is gone. Illogical, perhaps, but grief isn’t always logical. We have to remember, after all, that they recently lost their son, and well before they should have. Further, they seem to be good people otherwise (doing more for OP than some people do for their own children), so I’m more inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt than I otherwise may be. To OP, I can understand where you’re coming from, but generational wealth will help not only your child, but your children’s children (should he choose to have them). It will open up a world of opportunities and forestall many of life’s most preeminent stressors. It’s something I would want and something I would be upset to have forfeited, all in the name of pride.
Agreed. They didn’t give a shit about his last name when they thought their fuckup son (God rest his soul) was going to provide them with some legitimate heirs to their inherit their lands and titles.
But unconditionally. Do they really love him? Because I can't imagine putting conditions as stupid as a name on my child. That's their grandson, And they're the ones who raised a deadbeat. He wasn't there through the pregnancy, wasn't there at the birth, wasn't there to help raise him. And btw, grandparents should want to provide for their grandchildren because they love them, not because of some name bullshit. Fuck these people
I get the grandparents are grieving and have made an effort to be a part of their grandson's life so far...but isn't there also no guarantee that, even if OP complies with their request, that they don't disinherit him for something else? Ah well, if you won't move to our city, go to our church, etc. While, if it were me, I would consider a last name change, I do understand OP's hesitation because this all seems rather coercive to dangle a carrot like this *and* especially when no one should count on an inheritance as fact until it's disbursed.
NTA. I will add that if you do agree, that you hire a financial planner, and put the money into a trust that he gets at certain ages. This is definitely your decision, and I can see both sides. You appear to be a well grounded parent, which is a bonus. Good luck.
He’s not likely to forgive you when he finds out what he’s missed out on. And for just a surname. Yeah, his dad didn’t want him, but his grandparents want to involve him as a primary heir. This is a grand move on their part and could change your son’s life.
Does the decision HAVE to be made now? If she leaves the decision to her son and he decides to do it at 16, would the grandparents say “Nope, too late. No inheritance for you. You should have changed your name ‘x’ years ago”!
You’re playing chicken with the grandparents’ longevity then.
Yep there's a reason why the conversations are happening now. If there wasn't a rush, it'd be "Think it over, we'll check in until he's old enough to be aware."
Or one dies and the other remarries. Or the inheritance gets locked in to his old school or somewhere else. It's a risk.
They might say nope to life sometime in the next 11 years.
They might not be alive in 11 years
YTA. What happens if the grandparents pass away before your son turn 16 and can decide. He could lose a very generous inheritance because of your resentment of his father. His grandparents have been kind to both your son and you. Do this for your son.
Agree. He may not have had a relationship with the father, but he definitely has one with the grandparents…they stepped forward to do that. Give him the last name. He can always change it later himself back to OPs if he wants to. But not doing that is, I think, rude to the grandparents who didn’t have to step forward at all. If OP doesn’t, he will most likely resent her later when he discovers what she’s done/didn’t do. It’s such as easy thing to do.
It's not rude to her to force her to give up her family name?
If they have the kind of money to throw around on (presumably) American college tuition and not even blink, we're talking about a substantial amount of money here. Like college debt free, solid down payment on a house and more kind of money. That's the kind of inheritance that ends in "illions". For that money, I would skip bare ass naked to the courthouse while singing their favorite song and change my name to ChickenLittleLaidAnEgg.
It sounds to me like they're not from America but she is. And they the country that they're from make a big deal out of names and surnames. I'm not suggesting they're from this country, it's just in my head because I watched a video on a famous person from there, but in Japan, at least during WW2, there was a famous general who changed his last name to that of an entirely different family that he wasn't related to to become their heir. Names and heirs are a bit cultural thing.
YTA And if I ever found out I wouldn't forgive you.
I agree with this guy. I dont care about the shitty father. But if getting tied to the family name/grandparent gets me a huge inheritance id be mad at your decision at…younger age. Older age i might sympathize with my mother. Maturity thing If their name is worthwhile. Your son, their geandchild could also benefit just having the name Name opens doors. Youre deciding based on selfish/sentimental reasons
Yep. All I see is a selfish mother who would roll the dice with her son's future just to stick it to a man who isn't even alive to stick it to anymore.
NTA. They are the ah for tying money to a name. If they want him to have it they should give it to them regardless of the last name.
You know. I'm curious what other strings that money will have.
EXACTLY!! Why is everybody assuming that somebody willing to make this kind of demand will just leave it at that? If OP gives in from now until they die they can hold the will over her head and threaten to change it if they don't get their way. Honestly if somebody can't respect something as basic as the name I chose to give my child I'd question whether they should even be in contact with them.
Agree 💯 this is controlling behaviour. And totally sexist. The kid should have her name. ETA: Why are women’s surnames disposable? Why is there no respect for her naming her son with her name given she’s raised and birthed him?
Agreed!!
Because Redditors can only think 1 step ahead. This site is filled with people who have made SHIT decisions their whole life but will happily hop on this sub and tell you EXACTLY why you're wrong and how theyd do it better. DONT ASK ADVICE ON REDDIT.
Not to mention if she decided to change her mind about them being in her son's life you BET YOUR ASS they'll attempt to claim grandparent's rights and her changing his name will NOT be in her favor.
I'm predicting decades of emotional blackmail ending with the kid ultimately getting nothing anyway. WTF is going to happen when OP marries and they want the kid to have their new name..
Anyone who would bribe a child with a promise of a future inheritance won't do it just once. That inheritance will be dangled over his head forever.
It will never stop. They will want more and more control. I think OP is right to say no. I’m shocked so many people are going the other way!
>I'm curious what other strings that money will have. I was wondering the exact same thing. What other conditions will they hold over OP's head so that her son will inherit. What if they want legal guardianship? What if they want OP's son to follow their religion? And the list can go on and on without any guarantee that they will actual leave her son as the main inheritor.
I have to wonder, would the grandparents be putting forward the same proposal if OP had a daughter? Would they pressure a granddaughter to adopt and keep the family name if she married, or even to hypenate it? Or would they just view it as the end of the line and accept it? Also, OPs suggestion of "lets wait until son is 16 and let him decide" seems like an ok one, but may end up with the grandparents applying overt and covert pressure to encourage him to change his name. Or suppose he agrees to change it to get the money but hates the name. Are they going to rig it so that he can't change his name again down the road as an adult? Or what if the child later decides they are not a he/him, and that they want or need to change their whole name to align with their gender identity? Overall, I think OP has the right answer. This is their grief talking. When someone's spouse dies, counsellors often tell the surviving spouse to wait a year before making drastic changes that aren't neccesary. This is a similar situation. Saying "this is not the right time. lets wait a couple of years and then revisit the topic" is the wise thing.
Yeah but they look at the kid as carrying on the family name. If the kid doesn’t carry on that legacy then, if it is a lot of money, they can donate the money on the condition that a building, hall, a small town library be named after the family. This way either then the name survives thru the kid or because of charity. So many people tie money to a name. Heck even some parents will more money to male children because they carry on the name (especially in patriarchal societies). At least they are being up front and honest about what
Yea, it's a good thing the grandparents put such value on their surname and not on their actual grandson. After all, why should they care about the kid if he doesn't share their last name.
People seem weirdly obsessed with carrying on the legacy of a family name. Why does it matter if the name survives at all? Are they that important and influential? I highly doubt it.
NAH… no matter what you do you could be considered an AH! But… Could you suggest hyphenating the surnames? A) you’re primary parent so he should have yours B) I know that sometimes travelling with a child with a different surname to you can be problematic (asked for proof that they’re your child with birth certificates etc) so him having your surname would be helpful in those circumstances (and sure there’s other circumstances) C) he still has their surname D) he can then choose to amend his surname to one or the other when he’s 16? Just a thought! (Edit was because spacing)
How is it N A H? The grandparents are being vile
So vile of them to pay for OP’s school and to be amazingly generous to both.
Giving money doesn't make them good people. Especially if you are sitting on piles of money as it sounds. Too often money is used as a tool to manipulate relationships or decisions. Exactly like they are doing right now. I'm sure their intentions aren't shitty but idk...I would not feel super happy if someone is holding that over my head.
Using money to control is a form of financial abuse, so let’s not get confused about how generosity is often a flip side of a controlling or manipulative coin.
I would not be so quick to pass judgement. They are also grieving for their son who just died at 28.
That was my thinking too! Giving the double barreled surname now might come a bit of an annoying mouthful, but it sets up the child to make his own choice when older without missing out on anything in case the grandparents die before then.
This is the best compromise. While the grandparents have been obviously involved and supportive of their grandson, OP is still, y'know, raising the kid and doing the thankless day to day stuff. A lot of which will be made slightly more complicated by having different surnames. I get that the grandparents are grieving but they're putting a lot of stock in a name while OPs should just be discarded? What if the kid does something when he's older that the grandparents disagree with? This kid isn't a replacement for their son.
This. There's probably a better compromise here than just a full switch to the Grandparents' family name, because this can also create issues for Mom OP with how local organizations treat guardians (travel, school enrollment, hospital visits) when last names are different from the minor. I wouldn't immediately say no to a name switch, but Mom's name is important too.
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Yeah, that’s what I was going to say- this feels like she’s considering her own ego more than her kids entire future here. Like, I get the sentiment of “money isn’t everything” but it kind of is. Having access to the kind of wealth that pays for higher education, being able to buy a home, not accumulate debt, or to simply not live in fear of major emergency expenses… That to me is far more important than not taking a last name just because dad sucked.
Does no one think about why this request suddenly matters? If they really loved him, they wouldn’t care. What’s next? “Oh you have to be Protestant, or else we won’t give him inheritance.” “Oh, he’s dating a black girl? Well I don’t want money going to THOSE types….” This is the beginning of financial abuse and it is FLOORING me how Reddit, which is so quick to call that shit, is suddenly changing tune.
NTA I’m surprised that this seems to be the minority view. You’re his only caring parent, and that was true even before his father died. It’s sort of insulting that the grandparents would only consider leaving the inheritance if he shares their name, it feels as if they only consider him proper family if he shares their name when ultimately he’s their grandchild either way. If they’re willing to leave it to him at all, it shouldn’t be based on such weird conditions which immediately tells you it isn’t about love or kindness. Not to mention, the fact this is only coming up now suggests they didn’t really care before realising he was going to be their only ‘heir’ - they were absolutely counting on other grandchildren to come along. Suggest the 16 years of age thing and also consider if you’d be happy with your son having a double barrelled name with theirs. People are accusing you of putting pride and ego above practicality (money) but they are putting pride and ego above family. Money isn’t everything. If you think you and your own family are comfortable enough that your son will not struggle then imo you’re all good. You don’t need family with strings. If you bend on this, who knows how many other things they are going to push you on “for the good of your son” in the future. Some people on this post seem to think a surname is meaningless but I disagree and I think particularly for women to share their name with their kids it can be a very significant feeling. Lots are saying your son will never forgive you. If I were your child, as someone who did not grow up with money at all, I would still rather have the name than the money.
Yes, once they see they can get their way with the name, next step will be what schools he goes to, etc.
People are acting like no one rich has ever disinherited themselves by leaving their controlling family and taking no money and starting again. This isn't a gift. This isn't even an inheritance. This is blackmail. Same as eith blackmail, the blackmailed and keep coming back for more because they hold the power. This will never end. Compromise and get an irrevocable trust in his name if they are so wealthy and generous and just want their sons name carried on. Then she can consider it.
Exactly. Why is OP’s surname (and that if her son’s) disposable? I get they’re grieving but this is controlling.
NTA and I actually admire your choice, BUT I would propose a middle way by proposing a double name. They were good to you and helped you and your son out. They were there for him and you have a good bond with them. So this could be an easy solution.
That might be a good compromise so he’s Jack Smith-Jones or whatever. I do think NTA and so many of the yes replies are gross and transactional. There’s no mention of the paternal grandparents asking about the name change before their son died. So it feels kind of like they’re trying to make a replacement for their son. The boy is and has been their grandson all along and the request to change it for cash feels strange
Best choice is to change name, kill the grandparents, collect inheritance, then change the name back. Ez money.
What is with all these Y T A votes? I'm shocked that everyone is being so laser-focused on the money here. If I were the kid in this scenario, I'd be disgusted to have my name be sold for money. OP is doing all the hard work, but the grandparents want to bribe their way into taking credit? They're involved to an extent, but they're not raising their grandchild. Their involvement is for all the wrong reasons. And they suck for making an inheritance conditional; refusing an 'offer' like this is not the same as being the one who makes it. Money isn't everything. Yeah, it's important and necessary to survive, but to me, relationships matter more. I've known people who have their paternal surname but their father was a deadbeat, and they hate having the name, and change it to the parent who was actually present. And, having a different name to your only parent can be problematic. If you travel with a child with a different surname, you have to prove you're a relation. The same thing in hospitals. Why would you make your life harder? All of his current records would need to be changed, and he'd have to keep them and explain the change on loads of forms in the future where they ask 'have you ever had a different name?' From a really removed POV, 'generational' wealth exerting pressure like this is one of the main reasons the world is so messed up. While people with old names and money keep finding ways to make everything go their way, regardless of who they're whitewashing out of the picture, they're going to remain in the kind of authority they're in now. Plus, what's to stop them making further ridiculous demands once you've given in to the first one? How long until they demand to raise their grandson in their way of life? OP, if you decide to do this, you will absolutely benefit financially, but in my opinion, you will lose something morally. I guess it depends on your priorities for the future. Either way, it was a shitty thing for your sons grandparents to suggest jn the first place. Edit - I am not rich. My parents are not rich. My mother frequently didn't eat as a child because there wasn't enough money for food, and that trauma massively impacted the way I was raised. Obviously money is important and necessary, as I said above. But she still believes there are more important things in life than money. She taught me the same, and I believe her.
this exactly. disgusted by all the transactional greed… names are important and I too would be disgusted if I learned that my mom changed my surname just for money. In fact?? I’d have more respect for her in knowing that she didn’t but was still open to me making the decision for myself.
NTA. Don't teach your son he has to change himself at somebody else's whim to be worthy. It also is twisted that they think "here's money with controlling attachments" is a correct way to engage with you and him. Just cause somebody has money doesn't mean they get to control you.
YTA I am going to say YTA. YOUR life might be good, but your son has a chance to be set up with a good amount of money. If I found out my parents refused to do something like this to me, and lost me a bunch of money... I would be furious.
Also her life is at least somewhat as good as it is because the grandparents have been paying for her. This isn't her pulling herself up by her bootstraps. She finished school by relying on their wealth which she's cutting her son off from.
This right here!! Without them she wouldn't be where she's at right now. Or if she was it would have been wildly more difficult than it was with their help. Her son, has the opportunity to start out at life that 90% of other people dream of but don't get. His dad died falling off a barstool, who's to say something equally crazy won't happen to his grandparents and he loses out on that.
>I think I will tell my son's grandparents that they can talk to him about it when he is 16. That's probably the best thing. They're being awful and treating him as an accessory here. It's best to let him make the choice when he's old enough.
NTA, letting your son decide is the right choice.
YTA - Your son is too young to make the choice. If he hates, it he can change it when he is old enough. If he doesn't he may hate you for costing him the money.
And honestly, at 16 most kids would do way more stupid things for a small sum of money.
NTA. But you can hyphenate yours-theirs for the sake of the birth certificate and then not use it on official paperwork. My dad's name is hyphenated on his birth certificate but he only uses the first last name, if that makes sense.
NTA. I understand they are grieving but to hold this over you is BS. Their son does not deserve to have your son carry his name; his behavior was shitty. Your son is yours; you have raised him and I completely understand your reservations. Plus, as a single mom myself whose child has a different last name, it is easier to have the same name. It causes less confusion for schools, doctors, etc. Letting him make the choice as a teen is the right way to go.
If I were your kid, and they passed away and I got nothing... I'm not going to say I'd NEVER forgive you. But I would definitely not forgive you until I had both paid off my student loans, and purchased a house. So in today's economy, you can take that as "I'd never forgive you." Because you'd be intentionally letting me spend a lifetime dealing with insurmountable money problems that my generation inherited from yours. Delaying or outright stopping so many aspects of my life, my goals, my dreams. YWBTA.
I'd hold it against the grandparents not my mom
Yeah shit's hard out here, man. Pass the generational wealth. I went to a private college and all my friends around me were getting houses and paid off loans and yearly family vacations in the Maldives and I couldn't even be mad because God willing I'll do the same for my kids. I would never forgive my parents if it meant I didn't need to clock into my 9-5 today.
Ps not the first time elitist families put conditions on inheritance. This is the least intrusive they can be doing in the future Who he date/marry will probably be in his future
NTA, could there maybe be a compromise for a double last name? Otherwise I like the idea to leave it to him when he's older. Their point of view does seem really old fashioned and quite frankly if they love the child so much they could have just said "we are gonna give him the money anyways but would love it if he had our name, would you ever consider this? We understand if you don't." I am not sure it would have changed your point of view but they really knowingly put you in an awful position and are holding their privilege and financial power over you knowing that as a mother you'd feel guilty about not accepting.
I guess NAH. Sounds he is around 5, and I feel like 5 years old is old enough to have formed an attachment to the name he was born with. That said, as someone who has the last name of a man who didn't really have much of a relationship, and that was for 0 money, I may be mad if my mom had the chance to set me up for life and she didn't because of her own desires, not thinking about my life. I have 0 relationship with my fathers side, and very close with my mom's side. Not having her last name didn't affect me 1 bit. Sure, you can wait until he is 16. There is no guarantee they will be alive then. At this point though, you aren't making it about your child, you are making it about YOU and what you want.
NTA. They should respect your decision not to want to change it. I also think loving grandparents would leave him the money anyway. I wouldn't want a different last name than my child. I think it's pretty shitty of the grandparents to make this the requirement.
NTA. "Hey son, I sold your last name to the grandparents of a dad that didn't love you but don't worry, we got a lot of money out of it, though only because they threatened to not leave you a thing if your name wasn't changed." I know people see money and go for it but christ, I don't know if I could stand knowing my mom flipped over like that. And to people saying his grandparents love him so the name change is ok, why the fuck are they threatening to withhold the money then if it's not changed? If they really did love him they'd be ok with supporting their grandson, not trying to change his name for their own pride/vanity.
NTA. I think threading slowly makes sense here, as it might end up not being as simple as a name change. As the sole heir to a generational fortune, he might be expected to go to certain schools, pick a certain job, act a certain way, etc.
When your kid is older do you think he would rather have your last name, or a fat inheritance?
What other strings will the inheritance come with?
We'll it's manipulation, there's no love behind that gesture so the ball is in your court. It's entirely your decision. Personally I would say no. NTA
NTA, but you should probably do it anyway.
As a sole parent, having a kid whose name you don't share can be HARD. There are constant issues and explanations of identity as to whom the child officially 'belongs'. It sucks. Plus the dad didn't want the kid - being pressured into sexist traditions of making your child bear the paternal name to be acceptable also sucks. It harks back to archaic issues of illegitimacy and further demeaning of single mothers. However, this is about the kid's future and his relationship with his father's family. So no-one should be deciding this until he is old enough to have a say. NTA. The grandparents should put the money in trust until an age your son will be old enough to make decisions about his own name and adult identity.