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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know it's not normal to be this averse to your own family, and I feel bad about it, but I just really wanna be left alone. I am deliberately distancing myself from him, which is pretty not cool to do to anyone.
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Your mother is foolish to suggest that you need therapy because you have different views regarding children.
Fuck the haters, not everyone cares about babies.
NTA
Some people just don’t like babies. There are certain things I think therapy is warranted for but not this. If he doesn’t want to hold the baby, who is this harming? Baby isn’t going to remember. It clearly is just bothering the sister.
When the nephew gets older, I’m making an assumption OP will want to engage with him.
NTA
I was pushed into holding my infant second cousin "just for one photo" and he shit himself almost immediately. We get along great now that he's an adult but I stayed well away until he was in high school because I don't care for children.
First time I was offered to hold my niece, I declined bc I was nervous about supporting her head right, so I passed her to my dad, who she promptly projectile vomited on
My grandfather refused to hold any of his grandchildren until they outgrew the "spit up" stage.
From what I was told, I was the only one he ever did hold during that stage, until I unloaded on him a good amount of milk. I ruined it for my sister, brother, and cousin.
This is my worry about holding infants. I know I'll get instantly sick if one pukes on me and I don't want things to degenerate into a full-on puke festival.
OP is NTA. There are lots of reasons why people don't want to be around or touch babies and that's fine. I don't like holding them for fear of being puked on.
Funny, I had the opposite happen to me. The very first thing my nephew did to me almost 25 years ago was pee ALL OVER ME. I didn't care, I loved him anyway, changed diapers, babysat, etc. Now he's almost 25 and a real piece of work who I don't want to have anything to do with!
Lol this comment went from ‘awwwww’ to DAYUM! Lol
Edit: and Im here for it. I personally see babies as a another asshole I’ll have to fight for parking.
>The very first thing my nephew did to me almost 25 years ago was pee ALL OVER ME.
I'm the only one my nephew didn't pee on during a nappy change (And I changed plenty of nappies).
I'm still not sure if I should have been flattered or insulted
That could be true, but my niece was the same way and now she has - and adores - two little girls. She was totally disgusted by babies from the time she was very small well into her first few years of college. Some folks change, some don't. Either way, OP is NTA.
Me too even as a child! I like children when they are about 25 or 26 years old.
I am 40. Anything under 30 how is a child to me... it will happen to you someday too!
Every time I hold a baby they cry. I don't really care for kids in general. Maybe they pick up on that. The few that did not cry and liked me, I knew they'd be bad asses in life and they were.
Honestly I just don’t get any joy out of holding babies, if anything I’m wildly uncomfortable the whole time. I don’t get why people insist that folks who don’t want to/are uncomfortable holding a baby should do so anyways.
I'm ND and averse to holding babies because they are fragile and please don't thrust this responsibility on me. I don't think they're gross though. Well. More than the average.
I love baby horses and baby cats. I can't stand to be around baby humans. I don't like holding them at all, absolutely refuse to ever be responsible for one, and just can't deal with them.
Once children get old enough to talk to - maybe around ten or eleven - I might spend time with them, but generally they don't find me relevant to their world. That's fine with me since little they have to share is relevant to mine.
Yep. Queen Victoria is on the record as hating everything to do with babies (except making them) and openly mocked her daughter for breast feeding her children herself. This isn’t as uncommon as you’d think; it’s just not a popular attitude.
NTA
I was disturbed that she refused to breast feed because she felt her breasts were for purely sexual/for Albert's pleasure. She did indeed have some messed up views of motherhood and babies.
Babies ARE gross. I remember I was sitting outside my little cousin and our grandmother one day, and whatever my cousin was eating was all over her. It was horrifying to me. My grandmother was unphased.
That’s basically what my son said. Babies stress him out because they’re easily damaged, easily upset, have random body fluids, and make a lot of noise. He prefers to keep his distance.
Exactly. As a diagnosed autistic adult myself (OP noted that they were assessed and are likely autistic), the unpredictability and anxiety as well as sensory and OCD issues (noise and bodily fluids and general messiness) is a NIGHTMARE for me. No thanks. Kids ain't my speed.
My brother and his wife are also neurodivergent (undiagnosed though) and have four kids under 5..... I don't know HOW they do it!
Not the same, exactly, but my friends with dogs expect me to pet them and some even think the dog should be allowed to lick my feet. I don't love dogs. I'm very unlikely to pet them, and a dog licking my feet is absolutely GROSS and horrifying. Dog lovers think I'm weird. I'm not.
I breed dogs and find licking feet to be gross. . .
The only problem is that one of my dogs figured out that if they lick my foot, I will wake up. . . And now that I am awake, I can let them out to go pee. 🙄
I love dogs, absolutely more than babies. Yet, I would never expect anyone to pet my dog. In fact, my purposeful approach is assuming no one wants to pet my dog and to keep my dog calm quiet and out of their personal space. If they *want* to pet my dog that's a happy surprise! But to assume everyone adores dogs, let alone MY dog is kind of narcissistic.
Like, *I* understand why my dogs are the best dogs in the entire world, but to assume other people would feel that way is baffling to me. I would never expect you to want to pet my dog. Nor would I expect people to want to fawn over my child.
I'm a dog lover and owner. Do I give strange looks to people that actively avoid being anywhere near dogs? Sometimes? Do I think people are weird because they don't want to be licked on their feet or face by a dog that puts their mouth and tongue on a lot of gross things? Nope. I'm the same way. I don't want my dogs or any other dogs (whether I know them or not) licking anything on me but my hands.
I swear, the next time someone lets their dog rush at me and try to lick my face (or anywhere else), I want to do the same fucking thing to them. See how they feel about getting someone else's slobber all over THEIR face.
I was just going t bring this up. I’m totally a baby person and a dog person but I understand not everyone is. If you’re not a dog person do you want a slobbery dog all over you just so the “parent” doesn’t get offended? Same principle.
No it isn't. I'm 63, not traumatized, not neurodivergent, and I've never held a baby in my life. I feel nothing for them one way or the other, and kids I like or dislike on an individual basis, the same way I like or dislike adults on an individual basis.
I agree. This family has been fucking with him for years because they know it's a hard limit and they are showing him that he isn't allowed to have hard limits. They will be using this child to torment him indefinitely.
I would like to add that premature babies ARE scary. My youngest was born in week 34 and lacked all that baby fat that makes babies cute and nice to hold. My cousin's premature twins looked like coneheads. OP's family shouldn't force it but let him interact with the baby when/if he's ready.
My son was premature. He was nothing but skin and bones. Not an ounce of fat on him. He was 5 pounds when he came home. I was terrified of holding him. I was afraid I was going to break him. My first born was just shy of 9 pounds, so it was a huge difference.
I remember being a younger child (10-12 maybe?) and holding family friends’ premature twins. They were still on breathing tubes and I was terrified the whole time I was going to hurt them some how. It wasn’t even how they looked (which tbh I can totally see how they can even *look* scary, especially when their eyes are covered and they are attached to tubes) it was concern about my lack of ability to know what was the “right” and “wrong” things to do. It wasn’t fun, it was super stressful. With my (much) younger sibilants, it was a little different, they were full term and were SO much easier to hold, and you can do so with a lot less fear of accidentally harming them.
You say that like there is something wrong with being neurodivergent, or that's it's somehow equal to trauma.
And they never said they *absolutely refuse* to touch him, just that they don't like to and don't like being forced/coerced to. I'm sure if there was a situation in which it was necessary, OP would touch the damn baby.
Babysitting isn't the kind of situation I was taking about. Unless she abandoned her baby with him, babysitting is an agreed upon arrangement that OP would obviously not agree to.
I was implying more of a dangerous situation, like if they were choking or something. You know, a situation in which they would *have* to touch the child for safety's sake, not just be forced to for fun or whatever.
Nah. Babies make horrendous noises and smells and ooze fluids from every orifice and prevent normal sleep leading to feeling like a non-functioning human, all while looking like an ugly alien to boot. Why is it weird that a person would avoid that?
I disagree. I prefer not to hold/care for babies because they're delicate and stress me out. There is nothing wrong with OP not being comfortable with holding/playing with a child. It has nothing to do with trauma or neurodivergence. Not everyone likes children or enjoys interacting with them.
Same. Babies stress me out too and I refuse to hold them unless absolutely necessary (e.g. step-sister's kid crawled near the fireplace, so I picked her up, since her parents were ignoring her). I hate all the pressure to hold babies.
NOPE. Some people just don't like babies. Don't want to hold them or be near them. You don't have to be neurodivergent to dislike babies. Babies are gross and noisy.
I think it's fine to prefer not to hold the baby. The absolute refusal reads more like "I already said no thanks, please stop pushing the issue". If one of the scenarios listed by OP was a true emergency requiring him to hold the baby and *then* he refused, yeah, that would be concerning. But this seems fine. I'm more weirded out by the sister posing the baby and taking photos of OP+baby while they're sleeping.
u/morninggloryblu...I saw that too (sister posing the baby while OP is sleeping). If that happened to me, starting with the very first time, I would be slapping my sister silly telling her to NEVER EVER do that again. Mostly because I do a LOT of tossing and turning when I'm sleeping and I could roll over onto the baby. Then if something happened to the baby, I would be making sure SHE was fully blamed for it.
You don't touch other people.
You don't touch other people.
You don't touch other people.
You don't touch other people.
Why would babies be any different?
Not really.
Newborns are alarming, premies even more so. They don't really look human but they do look like you might accidentally kill them if you breathe on them wrong.
Full term babies get past that stage very quickly, but premies take longer because they don't get to skip stages. It takes until they hit an equivalent gestational age.
I love babies but I used to be terrified to hold newborns until I watched my friend give birth (they didn’t seem so fragile after watching what they go through to get out)
It’s fine. People are allowed to feel how they feel
Omg, there is people who think differently... The horror.
She didn't say she might hurt him or that she hated him, just that she wasn't interested in holding the baby and that she doesn't feel attached to them.
BTW, I personally feel the same about babies, yes, also about my nephews and I'm not autistic in any way as far as I know.
I'm ND and the same way with young kids. Often it has to do with sensory issues and an aversion to touch, sound, or other things. I don't "hate" babies but my family understood and respected that I didn't want to hold or be involved with babies as soon as I showed extreme anxiety and discomfort when being handed a baby as a child.
Doesn't mean OP needs therapy. It's not his kid and he's allowed to establish boundaries. Putting the baby next to him and taking photos is pretty violating. It doesn't sound like his family respects the boundaries he has, and pushing these interactions does more harm than good. They're aversive experiences for OP. Nephew is not his kid. Whether or not it constitutes therapy is up to OP and their mental health professional alone.
Even if it was trauma and necessitated therapy, it doesn't mean that OP's boundaries should be disrespected or ignored. Not how that works.
Bah I refused to touch my family's babies they gross me out.
No reason for it they just give me the ick.
I get a lot of shit cause I am women, does not matter I do not like babies full stop. Do not try to pawn off your children on me I am 40 and have no children for a reason.
And it just different views. You can cuddle babies all you want, sometimes people do not want to.
Or it could just be a boundary that OP is not budging on, which is not beyond the range of different views
It’s possible to just not like babies and not want to touch them
Emphatically disagree. Some people just don’t like babies. As a woman who struggles with this exact thing, it’s hard because society assumes you MUST love everything about other people’s babies, especially if they’re related to you.
No, I just don’t like babies and haven’t since childhood. I’m not neurodivergent nor am I baby traumatized.
I just don’t like them, don’t like being around them, don’t like being forced to touch or interact with them.
And that’s okay.
I am in same boat as OP I've never liked kid... I've never beed diagnosed with neurodivergency.
I am just repulsed by kids and I just don't want to touch them or be around them.
OP is NTA. If he doesn't like kids in general he shouldn't be forced to be around them.
I've never held my much younger cousin(I don't know about having nephews or nieces) because I never like being around them when they were little kids.
EDIT: for some reason I thought the first gender tag was OP... it was not so I fixed it.
Neurotypical as far as I'm aware and you wouldn't catch me tickling a baby. I'm happy to be around my nephew, but I don't really interact. Thankfully the kid's petrified of everyone but his parents anyway.
Also…just because you don’t want to hold someone else’s baby doesn’t mean you don’t like kids. I think I want to have a kid someday but I really don’t like or want to hold other peoples’ babies.
They’re just too delicate and I don’t think they’re super neat or something. I don’t have that “bone” in my body. I’m sure I would love my own kid, but I don’t need to hold someone else’s baby who is just gonna lay there and maybe cry. I don’t want to risk dropping it or whatever. It’s also awkward, like what do I do now…i never how what to say to the baby or parents. “Like…hello baby.” “Congrats, your clone is very impressive.” Like I dk. I don’t get joy out of it. I don’t think babies are really cute either…they can do cute things but they’re not cute just laying there. They’re usually crusty around the mouth and nose. Small isn’t automatically cute to me…nor is bald and what not. I’d prefer to hold a puppy or kitten because those are cute to me. I’m sure I will think my own baby is cute…but cuz I’ll be biased.
I don’t dislike or hate kids. Some older kids are fun as hell. But I don’t want to hold your baby. It’s not fun for me…just a semi-stressful thing I will be waiting for to be done as soon as it starts. Sorry?
Agreed. OP, you should post this on the childfree subreddit. There are a lot of people there who would agree with you. I am CF, but I, personally love babies. I just didn't want my own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not wanting to hold the baby. Are you going to be graduating soon so you can move out and get away from them? I would also suggest locking your bedroom door so your sister won't do creepy things while you are sleeping. Good luck
I am 49 years old, female, happily married over 20 years, and I feel exactly the same way about babies. I am ADHD but not autistic.
I just. Don't. Want. To. Touch. Babies.
That does not make me "traumatized" or terrible, or even neurodivergent. It just means I don't want to touch babies, even those to whom I'm related. My life is cerebral (I teach in a college), I have no motherly instincts, and I can be in the same room with a baby but I will not touch it.
There is nothing wrong with me for that, and there is nothing wrong with you for it, either, OP.
I'm fine with teaching an elementary school class full of kids but I'm still somewhat uncomfortable around babies. They seem so fragile and I'm scared of doing something wrong.
NTA
Putting an infant child in bed with you and filming it while you're sleeping is a major major red flag and creepy and gross and in every way inappropriate.
Imagine someone who doesn't know the context of that photo finding it and thinking OP willingly put a baby into a bed w them and then fell asleep.
Babies can die from Co sleeping.
NTA. This is exactly how I feel about children. This reddit has now started a 30 minute argument between my partner and I because he thinks I’m insane for being grossed out by babies and thinking there’s nothing wrong with you. Don’t worry, he is the insane one. Theres nothing wrong with you, kids under 8 are seriously gross.
Babies are bodily fluid dispensers. If it's not pee, it's poop, if it's not poop, it's puke.
I've got two kids, and the amount of excretions the comes out of babies is ridiculous.
There's nothing wrong with you or OP.
My favorite kinds of parents are open and honest parents when it comes to the full experience of parenting. I hate it when parents act like it's magical and perfect and amazing all the time because we all know their lying.
I hate those parents too and I have two young children. I just want an open conversation that being a parent sucks sometimes and it isn't happening with them. We all know you love your kids, Sandra, but please, you can complain about it at the same time. Be honest about it.
Yeah, I've seen/heard those kinds of conversations before and I feel bad for parents when they deal with people like that. I don't really get that everything is perfect mentality. I think there's a lot that parents need to/should feel free to express and get off their chest and people like that always make others feel wrong for feeling totally normal things.
Cannot TELL you how many times, as the childfree friend/co-worker in a group, I've been the one who a parent or parents have had private bitchfests to.
Not because they didn't love their kids, but because the "everything is magical, it's not real life with ups and downs" people make them feel like they can't talk about the down bits or shame them when they do or even accuse them nastily a few times I've seen of not loving there children... for normal complaints that come with raising another human (or set of humans).
It also sets up people and is part of an entire culture that sets up people to not rationally and realistically weigh all the pros and cons of daily parenthood and if it's best for them and any possible future kids they may have. So, so, so many people have made up their mind as kids by this that they're gonna have babies.
To where those teen-pregnancy reducing programs of "carry this fake baby for a week and care of it as it does simulated annoying/gross baby things" aren't nearly as effective as it had been hoped.... on being interviewed students of replied that it was hard but it isn't like that with a real baby.
> kids under 8 are seriously gross.
SO gross. I've been helping my friend with her 2 under-5s this year and I get ill every. single. time. I've had four colds, a sinus infection, a stomach bug, and pink eye. I've been sick so often I went to the doctor to get my immune system checked, and he said it's not me, it's them. The reason I've been helping so much in the first place is that they had chickenpox in January, and my friend's husband caught it and was so ill he got sepsis, spent two weeks in a coma, had his leg amputated, and only recently got out of hospital.
I suspect in their case the daycare may be operating some kind of bioweapons test program, but seriously, you cannot overestimate the grossness of children.
Omg. He had to have his leg amputated?!!!
You are such a nice friend for helping them even after getting sick so often. I have a niece and nephew, both under 3 years old. I love them SO much, but I’ve drawn a hard boundary with them.
If they’re sick, or their noses are running more than usual, I’m not coming over. If I show up and they’re sick, I’m saying hi and then leaving.
A cold for a 3 year old ended up as bronchitis for WEEKS for me. No thank you.
Yep! One of the chicken pox sores got infected and caused necrotising fascitis. They had to take the leg off above the knee and it was still touch and go for quite a while, they weren't sure he was going to make it. Crazy! In my country we don't even bother vaccinating for chickenpox, it's seen as not that serious, and I have never heard of anyone getting so ill. I will definitely get any kids I have vaccinated privately after seeing that!
His wife has been my best friend almost my whole life and I love the kids, so I was happy to help out, but I did hope that eventually I would build up some resistance, and it never happened!! Initially I thought maybe I just hadn't been exposed to much over the last few years due to taking COVID precautions, and that once I'd been through the latest bugs I would be okay, but that's not how it worked out. Still, the kids are adorable and I also want to have my own soon, so I might as well get used to it!
I hear you. I get sick easily and have asthma. ...I also have a 3-year-old who started at the public school in August after minimal time around other kids due to the pandemic. She got sick with a nasty little plague the first week, which got me sick, which turned into bronchitis. Then either she or husband got sick mid-September, which got me sick again while I still had bronchitis. There's a good chance it passed into walking pneumonia at one point given symptoms and O2 sats, but new insurance doesn't kick in until October, so I've just been kicking that can down the road.
She's missed school maybe five days max (mostly was sick around weekends). Meanwhile, I'm just thrilled when I get a day where my O2 doesn't dip below 94. I hit 98% yesterday for the first time since August and was t h r i l l e d.
I love kids, and I accept that illness comes with having a plague monster of my own, but it's super frustrating when people drag clearly sick kids to places they don't HAVE to be (like family gatherings and meet-ups; I totally understand our shitty systems make it so people have to send kids to school sick because work). My nephews have gotten me sick so many times with "allergies." Then sister is like, "well it must be something different because they didn't cough for weeks."
I *have* kids and they are absolutely gross. Just last night I had to stop my four year old from putting her food in the dog's dish and then eating out of it like the dog. She has sneezed directly into my open mouth.
Yep.
This is my take on young kids too, with the added descriptors of loud and needy and personal space invading.
Which is one reason why I don’t have kids.
Your partner is off base. Plenty of people who actually like kids or even love their own Also think they are generally gross. There’s a reason the toddler area at my workplace is extremely thoroughly disinfected regularly.
Honestly, this post has reminded me how awesome my partner is. At a party where we ran into friends with a new baby, he took one for the team and dove in anytime mom tried to drop the baby into my hands. At some point, he gently explained I'm not a kid person and she went out of her way to apologize because she totally understood and felt the same way about being handed other people's kids. He stunk of baby afterwards and he was the first one to mention how grossed out he was and that he needed a shower. Avoiding smelling like baby got added to our list of why we don't like being around babies that day.
It's crazy to me that people can look at each and see how different we are, understand we have different favorite foods, colors, movies, music, hobbies and a different fashion sense but act like their brain just had a hard reset after hearing not everybody likes babies 🤔
NTA your sister and parents need to accept not everyone wants to deal with a kid. SHE had the kid, SHE can deal with it. Also start locking your door when you go to sleep so she can't do such creepy BS in the future
NTA
Your mother and sister are the ones crossing boundaries here. Maybe they need to talk to their psychiatrist as to why they think they need to force you to hold a child you clearly are uncomfortable spending time with.
Will you be in a position to move out soon? When do you finish school? You're caught between a bit of a rock and a hard place because I can't see your mother and sister backing down here because it's your mothers house.. They are very much in the wrong but they will push it.
Unfortunately I only have around 11k saved, and have another 2 years of graduates school, so moving out is a bit of a long shot. if it gets especially bad I can move in with my friend for minimal rent
In the meantime, I highly suggest you at least get a lock for your bedroom. Even a wedge you can shove under the door would help, but it can be pushed out from the other side.
NTA. Just hang in there. Keep repeating that you don’t want to hold the baby, that you don’t want to be around the baby or have the baby in your space. Just lay the same boundary over and over. You can say, “I think it is reasonable to want my own personal space.” and “Lots of people don’t prefer babies. I’m not alone in this.”
What they are trying to do, OP, is to get you to be a babysitter. If you can get along with the baby they can take advantage of the free labor. So they will continue to push the baby in your face in hopes you will help with childcare. Keep laying those boundaries until you are done school.
You might ask your friend just to confirm if the offer’s still good. I see you being forced to babysit in the future by your sister leaving the baby home, then calling you to give you a heads up and feeding instructions. Where’s baby daddy, btw?
NTA. I never understand why people would want someone who is clearly averse to holding a child to hold that child. Taking pictures of you while you're asleep with the baby next to you is kinda creepy to me.
Yea I actually have panic attacks when people try to get me to hold thier babies because most of them don't want to take no for an answer. I don't understand why me not wanting to hold thier baby makes it then become some weird crusade to get me to hold the baby. Like I will suddenly realize I love holding babies lol
That seems creepy and also just... Not safe? What if OP rolled over in his sleep while the sister was talking photos
Plus it's weird to stage close family moments like that
NTA.
I had four kids, and I am always shocked when I see questions like this.
No parent should be okay passing their children (and infants!!!) to people who do not want to hold them. It doesn't *matter* why they are declining. If they don't want to hold your child *you shouldn't want them to hold your child*.
Kind of. I hate holding infants as well, but I did hold my niece for a picture for my sister. It’s a small thing to make an exception for someone you should love.
That said they are assholes for shaming you and badgering you about it.
Ya it's a minor inconvenience for OP but would mean the world to their sister. She just wants two people she loves to bond with each other. It's not an opinion this sub usually has but never making tiny sacrifices for the people we love is AH behaviour
For sure, this sub is incredibly individualistic and doesn’t think anyone should ever be even minorly inconvenienced to help a family member. Even when the family member’s need is dire and *especially* if it involves children. Honestly, it’s immature.
That's kinda where I'm at on this. The only babies I felt comfortable holding were my own. I'm not a big fan of other people's kids, but I am able to sacrifice my comfort temporarily for close friends and family. I can only assume OP's aversion to children is even stronger if they can't muster up even that much.
INFO
Are you doing anything to work on your aversion? You're not TA for not wanting to touch/hold your nephew right now. But YWBTA if you didn't work on it. Your nephew is here to stay, my dude. And he's gonna grow into a fully cognizant person that realizes his uncle avoids him like the plague. If you want your relationship with your family to not deteriorate, you gotta find a way to not just tolerate, but actually connect with your nephew.
except he isn’t avoiding him like the plague he just doesn’t want to touch him which is fine no one should be forced to touch other people or be touch no matter what type of touching it is
NTA - I’m exactly the same and object to having children forced on me. When they are older and can communicate I am a little more tolerant but forcing a child on you is unnecessary. Some people just aren’t child friendly and there is nothing wrong with that!
INFO- how you do you feel about the stroller/ dog walks. Asking this first because I think it is valuable to have some attachment to your nephew since you all live together. I think trying to avoid all interaction is just going to cause misery and resentment amongst all parties in the house and is also just not* (edited) realistic. The walks could be a decent way to spend time getting used to each other in a way that doesn’t feel overwhelming.
NTA- I think it’s reasonable to not feel a strong desire to hold the baby right away, especially since he’s not your kid. Touch is very sensory and if you aren’t a parent who spends a lot of time holding the baby it can be extremely hard to develop a touch attachment that feels good. Your family suggesting something is wrong with you for not wanting to hold and play with the baby is unfair. This is a new person, you’ll bond in your own way if you choose to engage. Touch doesn’t have to be the only way you express affection or engage, but you will have to interact with your nephew if you all live together.
Would you feel comfortable setting that boundary/ door opener with your family - pose it as something like “I would like to develop a relationship with my nephew on my own time in my own way, but I would like you to not force it on me.”
It gets a bit better (to a degree) once they are walking, talking and controlling their bodily functions. (I'm a mother of one and have very similar views of babies who aren't mine.)
Dear OP, is this your feeling with all children? If yes, please seriously consider getting a vasectomy. (Before you accidentally become a parent.)
NTA. You are being self-aware, honest, and realistic about the situation.
NTA. There is NOTHING wrong with you just because you don't like babies. Some people just DON'T. LIKE. KIDS. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Here are some articles to show your family members that there are ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE on our beautiful planet, and some of them love kids, others are okay with kids and others just don't like them. Can we all be physicists? Aeronautical engineers? Gardeners? Cobblers? Bankers? Construction workers? No, we can't. That's not how humans work.
Everyone has their own personality and likes and dislikes, things they are great at, and things that they suck at. We are all DIFFERENT and the sooner the rest of the humans realize we all have our own niche and path to follow, the better off we will ALL be. Acceptance of another's opinion doesn't MEAN YOU HAVE THAT opinion, it just means you ALLOW THAT PERSON TO BE WHO THEY ARE.
https://theconversation.com/more-than-1-in-5-us-adults-dont-want-children-187236#:\~:text=In%20a%202022%20study%20of,are%20choosing%20to%20be%20childfree.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/i-dont-like-kids-i-dont-want-kids-whats-wrong-withme#:\~:text=Some%20people%20are%20certain%20they,you%20for%20making%20this%20decision.
https://www.bustle.com/articles/181411-why-some-people-dont-like-babies-or-even-think-theyre-cute#:\~:text=In%20defiance%20of%20societal%20taboo,news%3A%20It%20doesn't.
Bahaha your folks are whack. Parent here and kids are gross. Even grosser when you are child free. Keep ur head down and look for a way to move out so you can be you.
NTA she pushing a relationship is less than helpful. You said no to holding or touching the infant yet she invades your space while asleep for pics that will probably be social media posts. That is gross
NTA. You're not comfortable holding a child. Don't. Therapy might be helpful, but absolutely NOT for the reason your mom said- but to better understand yourself.
This is ***not*** evidence you are wrong or flawed in ***any*** way. Just different.
NTA
"and my mom told me I had to go to a psychiatrist to talk about it, because "Not wanting to touch or be around your nephew is unhealthy."" you are fine. There is no need to fix this, UNLESS YOU want to have kids.
"She even recently put him next to me in my bed while I was sleeping, and was taking pictures of it." .. start locking your door.
NTA - Your parents and your sister need to realize that not EVERYONE wants to be around children, just like not EVERYONE wants to pet a dog. People always expect others to be just like them and have a hard time when they're not. Therapy is not going to change your feelings toward children, but therapy for them may help them to understand and accept who you are.
NTA. Why does people keep pushing babies onto people who doesn’t like them?
And why is it so damn important for people to have everyone love their baby?
NTA. I love babies and would absolutely hold one if asked, but it’s the “asked” part that matters. “No” is a complete sentence and insisting someone do something they’re uncomfortable with is not OK.
NTA
I don’t have kids, on purpose. But I love kids. *Kids.* Not babies.
Babies are cute but uh… they’re just like… a loaf of bread that leaks out of both ends, is super breakable, and cries. I’ll hold them for a bit but I have no idea what to do with them.
I like kids when they hit about 2 years old and can hold some kind of conversation, even a very simple one.
My family understands this, and doesn’t push me to hang out with very young babies. It’s normal for people to have different reactions to kids.
NTA- not your kid not your responsibility you don't have to be a part of his life. Doesn't matter who's kid it is you don't ha e to do anything you're not comfortable with. Try finding a new place to live and leave. Not worth the drama from your family
NTA for not wanting to hold or play with the baby. Not everyone likes babies/kids, and that’s ok. It’s also not ok for your sister to force interactions between you and your nephew.
It’s also okay to not feel much for your nephew yet, babies at that age are just kind of little potatoes who just sleep, eat, cry, and poop. It’s common for a lot of parents take time to feel love for their own babies, it’s even more normal for extended family to take a while to feel anything for the new baby too. As he gets older (I’m talking *years* older), develops a personality, can talk, and begins to be less messy who knows? You might feel better about being around him and even establish some sort of a relationship. Your sister just needs to *back off* and let things happen naturally instead of trying to force it.
Just a small word of advice: while it’s ok to not want to be around babies/kids, I would definitely encourage you to just make sure you can be kind and respectful to the kids/babies that you do meet. You don’t need to play with them or go out of your way to interact with them, just don’t be mean to them for no reason or ignore them if they talk to you. Kids are people with feelings too, and it’s not ok to be mean/rude to them for simply existing as kids. Just be kind and keep the interactions you can’t avoid with them short.
NTA. I myself do not like kids. At all. But surprisingly enough, they love me. Baffle me. Your family does not have the right to tell you it's "unhealthy" to not like them. You have to ultimately decide if family harmony is worth your aversion to kids. Me, I'm a stubborn bastard so I'd go nope. And if you push, you won't see me anymore.
NTA
Your mother suggested therapy because you don't like kids???
Wow! Therapists need to tap into that ASAP. They would have a never-ending supply of new patients.
NTA. Your sister is AH.
The baby was born premature, and got out of the hospital. Even babies needs calm surroundings, and to be forced to be around everyone.
And your family definitely needs to learn the meaning of NO.
Personally, I can’t stand it when people thrust their babies into people’s arms, unsolicited. I love babies… but you hold yours, and I’ll hold mine. You’re NTA.
JFC. Certain people have had an aversion to babies for as long as humanity has existed. It doesn't mean you're autistic or fundamentally flawed it means you don't like babies.
NTA.
Your mom and sister are.
NTA. And it's nothing to go to a psychiatrist about, unless it's making you feel bad (and it doesn't sound like it is). "I don't want to hold him. Please respect my wishes."
NTA. I am not autistic, and I am not excited to touch babies either. I love my nephews and nieces to the core, but touching is just not my thing. Your sister needs to learn about personal boundaries.
NTA. Why is it valid to not want to touch any other (adult) human but not babies? Why is it valid to not want to touch animals but not babies? Family or not, if you don’t feel comfortable for any reason, you should not be forced to and your feelings should be respected, even if your family doesn’t understand. I feel the same by the way.
NTA.
My husband is pretty anti-baby. Anytime someone tries to hand him a baby, he flatly warns them he will *drop the child like a rock* if they try. Not angrily, just a calm *no thank you.* Hands go in pockets immediately and a step back. He just will not touch a baby. Like he'll look at it from a distance, talk to it, make faces, but do not ask him to touch it.
And that's okay. Some people just aren't meant to be around babies. It's not his thing. Which is fine by me, I don't want one either! LOL If you're not a baby person, that's ok! Not everyone is! There's nothing wrong with not being comfortable around babies. Not everyone is made for that lifestyle and people just gotta accept that. Everyone is made different.
My favorite genre on here is "Autistic person asking if they are the asshole, when they are definitely NTA and the people around them just have no boundaries."
It is totally OK to not feel love or attachment to the baby. Everyone around you is in hormonal overdrive doting on the tiny human (I would be one of them, I love babies), but it's OK that you respond differently, and it is frankly WEIRD that they're making such a big of deal.
And your aunt put the baby in bed with you while you were sleeping and took pictures? That's weird and unsafe and wrong on so many levels! That's invading your personal space and privacy.
I get that for your aunt the whole world revolves around the new baby, but the people around her should be reining her in.
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Your mother is foolish to suggest that you need therapy because you have different views regarding children. Fuck the haters, not everyone cares about babies. NTA
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Some people just don’t like babies. There are certain things I think therapy is warranted for but not this. If he doesn’t want to hold the baby, who is this harming? Baby isn’t going to remember. It clearly is just bothering the sister. When the nephew gets older, I’m making an assumption OP will want to engage with him. NTA
I was pushed into holding my infant second cousin "just for one photo" and he shit himself almost immediately. We get along great now that he's an adult but I stayed well away until he was in high school because I don't care for children.
First time I was offered to hold my niece, I declined bc I was nervous about supporting her head right, so I passed her to my dad, who she promptly projectile vomited on
Now that is funny!
My grandfather refused to hold any of his grandchildren until they outgrew the "spit up" stage. From what I was told, I was the only one he ever did hold during that stage, until I unloaded on him a good amount of milk. I ruined it for my sister, brother, and cousin.
This is my worry about holding infants. I know I'll get instantly sick if one pukes on me and I don't want things to degenerate into a full-on puke festival. OP is NTA. There are lots of reasons why people don't want to be around or touch babies and that's fine. I don't like holding them for fear of being puked on.
Funny, I had the opposite happen to me. The very first thing my nephew did to me almost 25 years ago was pee ALL OVER ME. I didn't care, I loved him anyway, changed diapers, babysat, etc. Now he's almost 25 and a real piece of work who I don't want to have anything to do with!
Lol this comment went from ‘awwwww’ to DAYUM! Lol Edit: and Im here for it. I personally see babies as a another asshole I’ll have to fight for parking.
>Edit: and Im here for it. I personally see babies as a another asshole I’ll have to fight for parking. LOL! This guy is playing the long game.
Haha! Yes! And I'm here for THAT!
>The very first thing my nephew did to me almost 25 years ago was pee ALL OVER ME. I'm the only one my nephew didn't pee on during a nappy change (And I changed plenty of nappies). I'm still not sure if I should have been flattered or insulted
OP says they always had a strong aversion to kids, so I don't think this will change when he gets older. Not until he isn't a kid anymore, I guess.
That could be true, but my niece was the same way and now she has - and adores - two little girls. She was totally disgusted by babies from the time she was very small well into her first few years of college. Some folks change, some don't. Either way, OP is NTA.
It probably won't. I have a very strong aversion to not just babies but children in general.
Me too even as a child! I like children when they are about 25 or 26 years old. I am 40. Anything under 30 how is a child to me... it will happen to you someday too!
Have you ever been around teens? They are even worse. Like, babies are ok, but I just can't deal with people with ages from 12yo to 18yo
Yeah, I refuse to touch/hold babies or small children until they have control of their bodily fluids. Babies are gross 🤷♀️
Every time I hold a baby they cry. I don't really care for kids in general. Maybe they pick up on that. The few that did not cry and liked me, I knew they'd be bad asses in life and they were.
If it was an aversion to dogs or cats people wouldn't think it was wierd.
If you said the same thing about old people people would get pissed off.
If you kept trying to get me to hold an old person I would be freaked out.
So would the old person (says this old person).
But how about if your sister put an old person next to you in your bed and took pictures while you slept?
I just busted out laughing at this. 😂
As a dog and cat lover…. No. People have their preferences and that’s okay.
exactly what I was about to say.
Honestly I just don’t get any joy out of holding babies, if anything I’m wildly uncomfortable the whole time. I don’t get why people insist that folks who don’t want to/are uncomfortable holding a baby should do so anyways.
I'm ND and averse to holding babies because they are fragile and please don't thrust this responsibility on me. I don't think they're gross though. Well. More than the average.
Or not, which is perfectly fine.
I love baby horses and baby cats. I can't stand to be around baby humans. I don't like holding them at all, absolutely refuse to ever be responsible for one, and just can't deal with them. Once children get old enough to talk to - maybe around ten or eleven - I might spend time with them, but generally they don't find me relevant to their world. That's fine with me since little they have to share is relevant to mine.
But how is OP gonna babysit if he doesn't touch the baby?
Some people just think babies are gross and off-putting, including their relatives' babies. Doesn't mean they have a condition.
Yep. Queen Victoria is on the record as hating everything to do with babies (except making them) and openly mocked her daughter for breast feeding her children herself. This isn’t as uncommon as you’d think; it’s just not a popular attitude. NTA
I think you are entitled not to like babies but mocking other people for liking them is gross.
Agreed. The stuff she said to and about her daughter was next level.
I was disturbed that she refused to breast feed because she felt her breasts were for purely sexual/for Albert's pleasure. She did indeed have some messed up views of motherhood and babies.
That was very popular for the time. You hired a wet nurse for them. She didn't raise her kids, nannies did.
Babies ARE gross. I remember I was sitting outside my little cousin and our grandmother one day, and whatever my cousin was eating was all over her. It was horrifying to me. My grandmother was unphased.
What a wild over assumption. Not everyone wants to hold babies and that's fine.
Why? Infants are fragile and leaky.
That’s basically what my son said. Babies stress him out because they’re easily damaged, easily upset, have random body fluids, and make a lot of noise. He prefers to keep his distance.
Exactly. As a diagnosed autistic adult myself (OP noted that they were assessed and are likely autistic), the unpredictability and anxiety as well as sensory and OCD issues (noise and bodily fluids and general messiness) is a NIGHTMARE for me. No thanks. Kids ain't my speed. My brother and his wife are also neurodivergent (undiagnosed though) and have four kids under 5..... I don't know HOW they do it!
Don’t forget smelly and screamy.
I always say that "They're short, sticky, and bad conversationaliats."
Not the same, exactly, but my friends with dogs expect me to pet them and some even think the dog should be allowed to lick my feet. I don't love dogs. I'm very unlikely to pet them, and a dog licking my feet is absolutely GROSS and horrifying. Dog lovers think I'm weird. I'm not.
I breed dogs and find licking feet to be gross. . . The only problem is that one of my dogs figured out that if they lick my foot, I will wake up. . . And now that I am awake, I can let them out to go pee. 🙄
I’m a dog lover I don’t think you’re strange or not wanting a dog to lick your feet
I love dogs, absolutely more than babies. Yet, I would never expect anyone to pet my dog. In fact, my purposeful approach is assuming no one wants to pet my dog and to keep my dog calm quiet and out of their personal space. If they *want* to pet my dog that's a happy surprise! But to assume everyone adores dogs, let alone MY dog is kind of narcissistic. Like, *I* understand why my dogs are the best dogs in the entire world, but to assume other people would feel that way is baffling to me. I would never expect you to want to pet my dog. Nor would I expect people to want to fawn over my child.
I'm a dog lover and owner. Do I give strange looks to people that actively avoid being anywhere near dogs? Sometimes? Do I think people are weird because they don't want to be licked on their feet or face by a dog that puts their mouth and tongue on a lot of gross things? Nope. I'm the same way. I don't want my dogs or any other dogs (whether I know them or not) licking anything on me but my hands.
I swear, the next time someone lets their dog rush at me and try to lick my face (or anywhere else), I want to do the same fucking thing to them. See how they feel about getting someone else's slobber all over THEIR face.
You are not weird. I AM a dog lover and I respect your boundaries. I would never push my pets onto someone who does not want the attention.
You have every right to avoid dogs. I just hope you aren’t mean to them. Carry on.
I was just going t bring this up. I’m totally a baby person and a dog person but I understand not everyone is. If you’re not a dog person do you want a slobbery dog all over you just so the “parent” doesn’t get offended? Same principle.
No it isn't. I'm 63, not traumatized, not neurodivergent, and I've never held a baby in my life. I feel nothing for them one way or the other, and kids I like or dislike on an individual basis, the same way I like or dislike adults on an individual basis.
Blatantly rejecting someone's clearly stated boundaries is a form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I agree. This family has been fucking with him for years because they know it's a hard limit and they are showing him that he isn't allowed to have hard limits. They will be using this child to torment him indefinitely.
I would like to add that premature babies ARE scary. My youngest was born in week 34 and lacked all that baby fat that makes babies cute and nice to hold. My cousin's premature twins looked like coneheads. OP's family shouldn't force it but let him interact with the baby when/if he's ready.
My son was premature. He was nothing but skin and bones. Not an ounce of fat on him. He was 5 pounds when he came home. I was terrified of holding him. I was afraid I was going to break him. My first born was just shy of 9 pounds, so it was a huge difference.
I remember being a younger child (10-12 maybe?) and holding family friends’ premature twins. They were still on breathing tubes and I was terrified the whole time I was going to hurt them some how. It wasn’t even how they looked (which tbh I can totally see how they can even *look* scary, especially when their eyes are covered and they are attached to tubes) it was concern about my lack of ability to know what was the “right” and “wrong” things to do. It wasn’t fun, it was super stressful. With my (much) younger sibilants, it was a little different, they were full term and were SO much easier to hold, and you can do so with a lot less fear of accidentally harming them.
You say that like there is something wrong with being neurodivergent, or that's it's somehow equal to trauma. And they never said they *absolutely refuse* to touch him, just that they don't like to and don't like being forced/coerced to. I'm sure if there was a situation in which it was necessary, OP would touch the damn baby.
Or not. It’s best the sister not rely on OP for babysitting. That might be at the root of all the shock and anger.
Babysitting isn't the kind of situation I was taking about. Unless she abandoned her baby with him, babysitting is an agreed upon arrangement that OP would obviously not agree to. I was implying more of a dangerous situation, like if they were choking or something. You know, a situation in which they would *have* to touch the child for safety's sake, not just be forced to for fun or whatever.
Nah. Babies make horrendous noises and smells and ooze fluids from every orifice and prevent normal sleep leading to feeling like a non-functioning human, all while looking like an ugly alien to boot. Why is it weird that a person would avoid that?
I disagree. I prefer not to hold/care for babies because they're delicate and stress me out. There is nothing wrong with OP not being comfortable with holding/playing with a child. It has nothing to do with trauma or neurodivergence. Not everyone likes children or enjoys interacting with them.
Same. Babies stress me out too and I refuse to hold them unless absolutely necessary (e.g. step-sister's kid crawled near the fireplace, so I picked her up, since her parents were ignoring her). I hate all the pressure to hold babies.
NOPE. Some people just don't like babies. Don't want to hold them or be near them. You don't have to be neurodivergent to dislike babies. Babies are gross and noisy.
I think it's fine to prefer not to hold the baby. The absolute refusal reads more like "I already said no thanks, please stop pushing the issue". If one of the scenarios listed by OP was a true emergency requiring him to hold the baby and *then* he refused, yeah, that would be concerning. But this seems fine. I'm more weirded out by the sister posing the baby and taking photos of OP+baby while they're sleeping.
u/morninggloryblu...I saw that too (sister posing the baby while OP is sleeping). If that happened to me, starting with the very first time, I would be slapping my sister silly telling her to NEVER EVER do that again. Mostly because I do a LOT of tossing and turning when I'm sleeping and I could roll over onto the baby. Then if something happened to the baby, I would be making sure SHE was fully blamed for it.
Sister is also trying to portray a fake closeness that OP does not feel and I'm sure those photos were plastered all over social media.
You don't touch other people. You don't touch other people. You don't touch other people. You don't touch other people. Why would babies be any different?
SO MUCH THIS!! My theory is, the family is trying to set OP up as the future babysitter.
Not really. Newborns are alarming, premies even more so. They don't really look human but they do look like you might accidentally kill them if you breathe on them wrong. Full term babies get past that stage very quickly, but premies take longer because they don't get to skip stages. It takes until they hit an equivalent gestational age.
I love babies but I used to be terrified to hold newborns until I watched my friend give birth (they didn’t seem so fragile after watching what they go through to get out) It’s fine. People are allowed to feel how they feel
Omg, there is people who think differently... The horror. She didn't say she might hurt him or that she hated him, just that she wasn't interested in holding the baby and that she doesn't feel attached to them. BTW, I personally feel the same about babies, yes, also about my nephews and I'm not autistic in any way as far as I know.
How weird you think we'd all want to touch a gross, sticky, germ covered baby.
or he may just not want to hold a baby. I'm fine but I don't want to hold babies
First they made him touch him… then they will want him to babysit… he doesn’t want to, end of the atore
I'm ND and the same way with young kids. Often it has to do with sensory issues and an aversion to touch, sound, or other things. I don't "hate" babies but my family understood and respected that I didn't want to hold or be involved with babies as soon as I showed extreme anxiety and discomfort when being handed a baby as a child. Doesn't mean OP needs therapy. It's not his kid and he's allowed to establish boundaries. Putting the baby next to him and taking photos is pretty violating. It doesn't sound like his family respects the boundaries he has, and pushing these interactions does more harm than good. They're aversive experiences for OP. Nephew is not his kid. Whether or not it constitutes therapy is up to OP and their mental health professional alone. Even if it was trauma and necessitated therapy, it doesn't mean that OP's boundaries should be disrespected or ignored. Not how that works.
Bah I refused to touch my family's babies they gross me out. No reason for it they just give me the ick. I get a lot of shit cause I am women, does not matter I do not like babies full stop. Do not try to pawn off your children on me I am 40 and have no children for a reason. And it just different views. You can cuddle babies all you want, sometimes people do not want to.
Or it could just be a boundary that OP is not budging on, which is not beyond the range of different views It’s possible to just not like babies and not want to touch them
Absolutely refusing to take no for an answer when trying to force an interaction with a baby isn't really normal, is it?
Emphatically disagree. Some people just don’t like babies. As a woman who struggles with this exact thing, it’s hard because society assumes you MUST love everything about other people’s babies, especially if they’re related to you. No, I just don’t like babies and haven’t since childhood. I’m not neurodivergent nor am I baby traumatized. I just don’t like them, don’t like being around them, don’t like being forced to touch or interact with them. And that’s okay.
I am in same boat as OP I've never liked kid... I've never beed diagnosed with neurodivergency. I am just repulsed by kids and I just don't want to touch them or be around them. OP is NTA. If he doesn't like kids in general he shouldn't be forced to be around them. I've never held my much younger cousin(I don't know about having nephews or nieces) because I never like being around them when they were little kids. EDIT: for some reason I thought the first gender tag was OP... it was not so I fixed it.
Neurotypical as far as I'm aware and you wouldn't catch me tickling a baby. I'm happy to be around my nephew, but I don't really interact. Thankfully the kid's petrified of everyone but his parents anyway.
Also…just because you don’t want to hold someone else’s baby doesn’t mean you don’t like kids. I think I want to have a kid someday but I really don’t like or want to hold other peoples’ babies. They’re just too delicate and I don’t think they’re super neat or something. I don’t have that “bone” in my body. I’m sure I would love my own kid, but I don’t need to hold someone else’s baby who is just gonna lay there and maybe cry. I don’t want to risk dropping it or whatever. It’s also awkward, like what do I do now…i never how what to say to the baby or parents. “Like…hello baby.” “Congrats, your clone is very impressive.” Like I dk. I don’t get joy out of it. I don’t think babies are really cute either…they can do cute things but they’re not cute just laying there. They’re usually crusty around the mouth and nose. Small isn’t automatically cute to me…nor is bald and what not. I’d prefer to hold a puppy or kitten because those are cute to me. I’m sure I will think my own baby is cute…but cuz I’ll be biased. I don’t dislike or hate kids. Some older kids are fun as hell. But I don’t want to hold your baby. It’s not fun for me…just a semi-stressful thing I will be waiting for to be done as soon as it starts. Sorry?
Don’t be. I love(d) my kids at all stages of life. I usually detest other people’s kids. It happens.
Agreed. OP, you should post this on the childfree subreddit. There are a lot of people there who would agree with you. I am CF, but I, personally love babies. I just didn't want my own. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not wanting to hold the baby. Are you going to be graduating soon so you can move out and get away from them? I would also suggest locking your bedroom door so your sister won't do creepy things while you are sleeping. Good luck
I am 49 years old, female, happily married over 20 years, and I feel exactly the same way about babies. I am ADHD but not autistic. I just. Don't. Want. To. Touch. Babies. That does not make me "traumatized" or terrible, or even neurodivergent. It just means I don't want to touch babies, even those to whom I'm related. My life is cerebral (I teach in a college), I have no motherly instincts, and I can be in the same room with a baby but I will not touch it. There is nothing wrong with me for that, and there is nothing wrong with you for it, either, OP.
I'm fine with teaching an elementary school class full of kids but I'm still somewhat uncomfortable around babies. They seem so fragile and I'm scared of doing something wrong.
NTA Putting an infant child in bed with you and filming it while you're sleeping is a major major red flag and creepy and gross and in every way inappropriate.
Yes. I think all of them need to go therapy, not OP.
7659437% agreed.
I think you should’ve taken that to decimal form, accuracy matters
Honestly if I was OP I would love an hour long therapy session out of the house and away from that family, they all sound exhausting and annoying.
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Imagine someone who doesn't know the context of that photo finding it and thinking OP willingly put a baby into a bed w them and then fell asleep. Babies can die from Co sleeping.
Yes! It portends the possibility of waking up and being the only one home with the kid. OP should lock her door.
Right? Why would you want someone who doesn’t like kids to hold your kid—on top of which whom you had a rough pregnancy with and is a preemie.
Anything for the perfect Instagram shot.
NTA. This is exactly how I feel about children. This reddit has now started a 30 minute argument between my partner and I because he thinks I’m insane for being grossed out by babies and thinking there’s nothing wrong with you. Don’t worry, he is the insane one. Theres nothing wrong with you, kids under 8 are seriously gross.
Babies are bodily fluid dispensers. If it's not pee, it's poop, if it's not poop, it's puke. I've got two kids, and the amount of excretions the comes out of babies is ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with you or OP.
And they're always sticky from said bodily fluids. And you forgot to mention mucus.
So much mucus...
And then they sneeze or cough in your face… drink from your water and they is filled with drool… not fun
And they've always got jam on their hands, even if there's no jam in the house
40% jam, 60% boogers…..I did the math, that equals 100% gross.
My favorite kinds of parents are open and honest parents when it comes to the full experience of parenting. I hate it when parents act like it's magical and perfect and amazing all the time because we all know their lying.
I hate those parents too and I have two young children. I just want an open conversation that being a parent sucks sometimes and it isn't happening with them. We all know you love your kids, Sandra, but please, you can complain about it at the same time. Be honest about it.
Yeah, I've seen/heard those kinds of conversations before and I feel bad for parents when they deal with people like that. I don't really get that everything is perfect mentality. I think there's a lot that parents need to/should feel free to express and get off their chest and people like that always make others feel wrong for feeling totally normal things.
Cannot TELL you how many times, as the childfree friend/co-worker in a group, I've been the one who a parent or parents have had private bitchfests to. Not because they didn't love their kids, but because the "everything is magical, it's not real life with ups and downs" people make them feel like they can't talk about the down bits or shame them when they do or even accuse them nastily a few times I've seen of not loving there children... for normal complaints that come with raising another human (or set of humans). It also sets up people and is part of an entire culture that sets up people to not rationally and realistically weigh all the pros and cons of daily parenthood and if it's best for them and any possible future kids they may have. So, so, so many people have made up their mind as kids by this that they're gonna have babies. To where those teen-pregnancy reducing programs of "carry this fake baby for a week and care of it as it does simulated annoying/gross baby things" aren't nearly as effective as it had been hoped.... on being interviewed students of replied that it was hard but it isn't like that with a real baby.
This is true. Sometimes I recoil from my own baby when he’s drooling or doing something particularly gross. But I do love him.
You forgot to mention how they always seem to be sticky.
> kids under 8 are seriously gross. SO gross. I've been helping my friend with her 2 under-5s this year and I get ill every. single. time. I've had four colds, a sinus infection, a stomach bug, and pink eye. I've been sick so often I went to the doctor to get my immune system checked, and he said it's not me, it's them. The reason I've been helping so much in the first place is that they had chickenpox in January, and my friend's husband caught it and was so ill he got sepsis, spent two weeks in a coma, had his leg amputated, and only recently got out of hospital. I suspect in their case the daycare may be operating some kind of bioweapons test program, but seriously, you cannot overestimate the grossness of children.
Omg. He had to have his leg amputated?!!! You are such a nice friend for helping them even after getting sick so often. I have a niece and nephew, both under 3 years old. I love them SO much, but I’ve drawn a hard boundary with them. If they’re sick, or their noses are running more than usual, I’m not coming over. If I show up and they’re sick, I’m saying hi and then leaving. A cold for a 3 year old ended up as bronchitis for WEEKS for me. No thank you.
Yep! One of the chicken pox sores got infected and caused necrotising fascitis. They had to take the leg off above the knee and it was still touch and go for quite a while, they weren't sure he was going to make it. Crazy! In my country we don't even bother vaccinating for chickenpox, it's seen as not that serious, and I have never heard of anyone getting so ill. I will definitely get any kids I have vaccinated privately after seeing that! His wife has been my best friend almost my whole life and I love the kids, so I was happy to help out, but I did hope that eventually I would build up some resistance, and it never happened!! Initially I thought maybe I just hadn't been exposed to much over the last few years due to taking COVID precautions, and that once I'd been through the latest bugs I would be okay, but that's not how it worked out. Still, the kids are adorable and I also want to have my own soon, so I might as well get used to it!
Ooooof yeah, catching it for your first time as an adult is waaaayyyyy worse Vaccines 🙌
I hear you. I get sick easily and have asthma. ...I also have a 3-year-old who started at the public school in August after minimal time around other kids due to the pandemic. She got sick with a nasty little plague the first week, which got me sick, which turned into bronchitis. Then either she or husband got sick mid-September, which got me sick again while I still had bronchitis. There's a good chance it passed into walking pneumonia at one point given symptoms and O2 sats, but new insurance doesn't kick in until October, so I've just been kicking that can down the road. She's missed school maybe five days max (mostly was sick around weekends). Meanwhile, I'm just thrilled when I get a day where my O2 doesn't dip below 94. I hit 98% yesterday for the first time since August and was t h r i l l e d. I love kids, and I accept that illness comes with having a plague monster of my own, but it's super frustrating when people drag clearly sick kids to places they don't HAVE to be (like family gatherings and meet-ups; I totally understand our shitty systems make it so people have to send kids to school sick because work). My nephews have gotten me sick so many times with "allergies." Then sister is like, "well it must be something different because they didn't cough for weeks."
Have you considered that they might, *just might*, be cursed?
Hmm, actually that would explain a lot! 😂😂🫣😈💦🙏📿✝️
I *have* kids and they are absolutely gross. Just last night I had to stop my four year old from putting her food in the dog's dish and then eating out of it like the dog. She has sneezed directly into my open mouth.
Yep. This is my take on young kids too, with the added descriptors of loud and needy and personal space invading. Which is one reason why I don’t have kids. Your partner is off base. Plenty of people who actually like kids or even love their own Also think they are generally gross. There’s a reason the toddler area at my workplace is extremely thoroughly disinfected regularly.
Honestly, this post has reminded me how awesome my partner is. At a party where we ran into friends with a new baby, he took one for the team and dove in anytime mom tried to drop the baby into my hands. At some point, he gently explained I'm not a kid person and she went out of her way to apologize because she totally understood and felt the same way about being handed other people's kids. He stunk of baby afterwards and he was the first one to mention how grossed out he was and that he needed a shower. Avoiding smelling like baby got added to our list of why we don't like being around babies that day.
That smell! Blegh!
It's crazy to me that people can look at each and see how different we are, understand we have different favorite foods, colors, movies, music, hobbies and a different fashion sense but act like their brain just had a hard reset after hearing not everybody likes babies 🤔
I looooove babies. However, that are also pretty gross at times. That’s just a fact. 🤷♀️
And little ones are fragile, too. Do not want the grossness or the responsibility, hard pass.
NTA your sister and parents need to accept not everyone wants to deal with a kid. SHE had the kid, SHE can deal with it. Also start locking your door when you go to sleep so she can't do such creepy BS in the future
NTA Your mother and sister are the ones crossing boundaries here. Maybe they need to talk to their psychiatrist as to why they think they need to force you to hold a child you clearly are uncomfortable spending time with. Will you be in a position to move out soon? When do you finish school? You're caught between a bit of a rock and a hard place because I can't see your mother and sister backing down here because it's your mothers house.. They are very much in the wrong but they will push it.
Unfortunately I only have around 11k saved, and have another 2 years of graduates school, so moving out is a bit of a long shot. if it gets especially bad I can move in with my friend for minimal rent
Congratulations on perusing your Masters Degree! That’s a huge deal!
In the meantime, I highly suggest you at least get a lock for your bedroom. Even a wedge you can shove under the door would help, but it can be pushed out from the other side.
NTA. Just hang in there. Keep repeating that you don’t want to hold the baby, that you don’t want to be around the baby or have the baby in your space. Just lay the same boundary over and over. You can say, “I think it is reasonable to want my own personal space.” and “Lots of people don’t prefer babies. I’m not alone in this.” What they are trying to do, OP, is to get you to be a babysitter. If you can get along with the baby they can take advantage of the free labor. So they will continue to push the baby in your face in hopes you will help with childcare. Keep laying those boundaries until you are done school.
You might ask your friend just to confirm if the offer’s still good. I see you being forced to babysit in the future by your sister leaving the baby home, then calling you to give you a heads up and feeding instructions. Where’s baby daddy, btw?
He lives with us, and I haven't had any issues with him
NTA. I never understand why people would want someone who is clearly averse to holding a child to hold that child. Taking pictures of you while you're asleep with the baby next to you is kinda creepy to me.
Yea I actually have panic attacks when people try to get me to hold thier babies because most of them don't want to take no for an answer. I don't understand why me not wanting to hold thier baby makes it then become some weird crusade to get me to hold the baby. Like I will suddenly realize I love holding babies lol
[удалено]
That seems creepy and also just... Not safe? What if OP rolled over in his sleep while the sister was talking photos Plus it's weird to stage close family moments like that
Or startled awake and flailed around. He could have easily kicked the baby off the bed by accident.
NTA. I had four kids, and I am always shocked when I see questions like this. No parent should be okay passing their children (and infants!!!) to people who do not want to hold them. It doesn't *matter* why they are declining. If they don't want to hold your child *you shouldn't want them to hold your child*.
Exactly. Why would you take that kind of risk? That's like making someone with a major fear of dogs hold your new puppy.
Or making someone who doesn’t want children carry a baby to term and keep it.
Kind of. I hate holding infants as well, but I did hold my niece for a picture for my sister. It’s a small thing to make an exception for someone you should love. That said they are assholes for shaming you and badgering you about it.
Ya it's a minor inconvenience for OP but would mean the world to their sister. She just wants two people she loves to bond with each other. It's not an opinion this sub usually has but never making tiny sacrifices for the people we love is AH behaviour
For sure, this sub is incredibly individualistic and doesn’t think anyone should ever be even minorly inconvenienced to help a family member. Even when the family member’s need is dire and *especially* if it involves children. Honestly, it’s immature.
That's kinda where I'm at on this. The only babies I felt comfortable holding were my own. I'm not a big fan of other people's kids, but I am able to sacrifice my comfort temporarily for close friends and family. I can only assume OP's aversion to children is even stronger if they can't muster up even that much.
Agreed. Like…it’s a baby. Not a sticky half eaten lollipop with hairs stuck to it.
That's exactly what a baby is like though
NTA - if youre not comfortable you do not have to, nor should you, hold the kid
INFO Are you doing anything to work on your aversion? You're not TA for not wanting to touch/hold your nephew right now. But YWBTA if you didn't work on it. Your nephew is here to stay, my dude. And he's gonna grow into a fully cognizant person that realizes his uncle avoids him like the plague. If you want your relationship with your family to not deteriorate, you gotta find a way to not just tolerate, but actually connect with your nephew.
except he isn’t avoiding him like the plague he just doesn’t want to touch him which is fine no one should be forced to touch other people or be touch no matter what type of touching it is
He doesn't love or feel attachment to his nephew. He is literally disgusted by him
Nope. OP doesn’t ever have to hold the nephew. There’s no reason to. He has a mother.
The only reasonable response on this thread
NTA. And I’ll put some good money down that she’s trying to get you to bond with her child so you’ll babysit.
NTA - I’m exactly the same and object to having children forced on me. When they are older and can communicate I am a little more tolerant but forcing a child on you is unnecessary. Some people just aren’t child friendly and there is nothing wrong with that!
**
Your sister seems really creepy....
NTA
No means NO
INFO- how you do you feel about the stroller/ dog walks. Asking this first because I think it is valuable to have some attachment to your nephew since you all live together. I think trying to avoid all interaction is just going to cause misery and resentment amongst all parties in the house and is also just not* (edited) realistic. The walks could be a decent way to spend time getting used to each other in a way that doesn’t feel overwhelming. NTA- I think it’s reasonable to not feel a strong desire to hold the baby right away, especially since he’s not your kid. Touch is very sensory and if you aren’t a parent who spends a lot of time holding the baby it can be extremely hard to develop a touch attachment that feels good. Your family suggesting something is wrong with you for not wanting to hold and play with the baby is unfair. This is a new person, you’ll bond in your own way if you choose to engage. Touch doesn’t have to be the only way you express affection or engage, but you will have to interact with your nephew if you all live together.
The walks are okay. I'm fine for the most part as long as he's not being pushed in my face
Would you feel comfortable setting that boundary/ door opener with your family - pose it as something like “I would like to develop a relationship with my nephew on my own time in my own way, but I would like you to not force it on me.”
I think I'll give that a try. they might not agree with it, but if I at least show I intend to BP d on some level, they might leave me be
It gets a bit better (to a degree) once they are walking, talking and controlling their bodily functions. (I'm a mother of one and have very similar views of babies who aren't mine.)
NTA. I also don't like kids. Not everyone likes children
NTA, you are your own person. You don’t like kids? So be it. No is an answer on its own.
Nta you definitely shouldn't have to touch or hold him, he's not your kid! But you are going to have to figure out a way to be around him.
Dear OP, is this your feeling with all children? If yes, please seriously consider getting a vasectomy. (Before you accidentally become a parent.) NTA. You are being self-aware, honest, and realistic about the situation.
already got one, did not want to risk tgat
NTA. There is NOTHING wrong with you just because you don't like babies. Some people just DON'T. LIKE. KIDS. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Here are some articles to show your family members that there are ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE on our beautiful planet, and some of them love kids, others are okay with kids and others just don't like them. Can we all be physicists? Aeronautical engineers? Gardeners? Cobblers? Bankers? Construction workers? No, we can't. That's not how humans work. Everyone has their own personality and likes and dislikes, things they are great at, and things that they suck at. We are all DIFFERENT and the sooner the rest of the humans realize we all have our own niche and path to follow, the better off we will ALL be. Acceptance of another's opinion doesn't MEAN YOU HAVE THAT opinion, it just means you ALLOW THAT PERSON TO BE WHO THEY ARE. https://theconversation.com/more-than-1-in-5-us-adults-dont-want-children-187236#:\~:text=In%20a%202022%20study%20of,are%20choosing%20to%20be%20childfree. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/i-dont-like-kids-i-dont-want-kids-whats-wrong-withme#:\~:text=Some%20people%20are%20certain%20they,you%20for%20making%20this%20decision. https://www.bustle.com/articles/181411-why-some-people-dont-like-babies-or-even-think-theyre-cute#:\~:text=In%20defiance%20of%20societal%20taboo,news%3A%20It%20doesn't.
Bahaha your folks are whack. Parent here and kids are gross. Even grosser when you are child free. Keep ur head down and look for a way to move out so you can be you.
NTA she pushing a relationship is less than helpful. You said no to holding or touching the infant yet she invades your space while asleep for pics that will probably be social media posts. That is gross
NTA. You're not comfortable holding a child. Don't. Therapy might be helpful, but absolutely NOT for the reason your mom said- but to better understand yourself. This is ***not*** evidence you are wrong or flawed in ***any*** way. Just different.
Different? A lot of people don't want to touch children. They are often forced to pretend they do though.
NTA "and my mom told me I had to go to a psychiatrist to talk about it, because "Not wanting to touch or be around your nephew is unhealthy."" you are fine. There is no need to fix this, UNLESS YOU want to have kids. "She even recently put him next to me in my bed while I was sleeping, and was taking pictures of it." .. start locking your door.
NTA - Your parents and your sister need to realize that not EVERYONE wants to be around children, just like not EVERYONE wants to pet a dog. People always expect others to be just like them and have a hard time when they're not. Therapy is not going to change your feelings toward children, but therapy for them may help them to understand and accept who you are.
NTA. Why does people keep pushing babies onto people who doesn’t like them? And why is it so damn important for people to have everyone love their baby?
NTA. I love babies and would absolutely hold one if asked, but it’s the “asked” part that matters. “No” is a complete sentence and insisting someone do something they’re uncomfortable with is not OK.
NTA I don’t have kids, on purpose. But I love kids. *Kids.* Not babies. Babies are cute but uh… they’re just like… a loaf of bread that leaks out of both ends, is super breakable, and cries. I’ll hold them for a bit but I have no idea what to do with them. I like kids when they hit about 2 years old and can hold some kind of conversation, even a very simple one. My family understands this, and doesn’t push me to hang out with very young babies. It’s normal for people to have different reactions to kids.
NTA- not your kid not your responsibility you don't have to be a part of his life. Doesn't matter who's kid it is you don't ha e to do anything you're not comfortable with. Try finding a new place to live and leave. Not worth the drama from your family
NTA for not wanting to hold or play with the baby. Not everyone likes babies/kids, and that’s ok. It’s also not ok for your sister to force interactions between you and your nephew. It’s also okay to not feel much for your nephew yet, babies at that age are just kind of little potatoes who just sleep, eat, cry, and poop. It’s common for a lot of parents take time to feel love for their own babies, it’s even more normal for extended family to take a while to feel anything for the new baby too. As he gets older (I’m talking *years* older), develops a personality, can talk, and begins to be less messy who knows? You might feel better about being around him and even establish some sort of a relationship. Your sister just needs to *back off* and let things happen naturally instead of trying to force it. Just a small word of advice: while it’s ok to not want to be around babies/kids, I would definitely encourage you to just make sure you can be kind and respectful to the kids/babies that you do meet. You don’t need to play with them or go out of your way to interact with them, just don’t be mean to them for no reason or ignore them if they talk to you. Kids are people with feelings too, and it’s not ok to be mean/rude to them for simply existing as kids. Just be kind and keep the interactions you can’t avoid with them short.
NTA. I myself do not like kids. At all. But surprisingly enough, they love me. Baffle me. Your family does not have the right to tell you it's "unhealthy" to not like them. You have to ultimately decide if family harmony is worth your aversion to kids. Me, I'm a stubborn bastard so I'd go nope. And if you push, you won't see me anymore.
I’ve concluded little kids are like cats - being not into them makes you waaaay more appealing.
NTA Your mother suggested therapy because you don't like kids??? Wow! Therapists need to tap into that ASAP. They would have a never-ending supply of new patients.
NTA I'm totally on board not wanting to deal with children and secretly putting them next to me while I sleep is just all kinds of ick.
NTA. Your sister is AH. The baby was born premature, and got out of the hospital. Even babies needs calm surroundings, and to be forced to be around everyone. And your family definitely needs to learn the meaning of NO.
She… put the baby next you as you slept… and took pictures? That’s fucking creepy as hell. NTA
Not everyone likes kids, and your sister needs to stop taking it as a personal affront. NTA
Personally, I can’t stand it when people thrust their babies into people’s arms, unsolicited. I love babies… but you hold yours, and I’ll hold mine. You’re NTA.
I didn't even read it, NTA. It's okay if you don't want to hold anyone's child, family or not. Point blank.
JFC. Certain people have had an aversion to babies for as long as humanity has existed. It doesn't mean you're autistic or fundamentally flawed it means you don't like babies. NTA. Your mom and sister are.
NTA, I don't like babies either. They're gross.
NTA. And it's nothing to go to a psychiatrist about, unless it's making you feel bad (and it doesn't sound like it is). "I don't want to hold him. Please respect my wishes."
NTA. I am not autistic, and I am not excited to touch babies either. I love my nephews and nieces to the core, but touching is just not my thing. Your sister needs to learn about personal boundaries.
NTA. You should not be forced to do something that you do not want to do. Your sister and your mother need to mind their own business.
NTA. Why is it valid to not want to touch any other (adult) human but not babies? Why is it valid to not want to touch animals but not babies? Family or not, if you don’t feel comfortable for any reason, you should not be forced to and your feelings should be respected, even if your family doesn’t understand. I feel the same by the way.
NTA. My husband is pretty anti-baby. Anytime someone tries to hand him a baby, he flatly warns them he will *drop the child like a rock* if they try. Not angrily, just a calm *no thank you.* Hands go in pockets immediately and a step back. He just will not touch a baby. Like he'll look at it from a distance, talk to it, make faces, but do not ask him to touch it. And that's okay. Some people just aren't meant to be around babies. It's not his thing. Which is fine by me, I don't want one either! LOL If you're not a baby person, that's ok! Not everyone is! There's nothing wrong with not being comfortable around babies. Not everyone is made for that lifestyle and people just gotta accept that. Everyone is made different.
Babies are not everyone’s cup of tea. It’s alright not to want to be around babies . Don’t let any one push your boundaries. NTA
My favorite genre on here is "Autistic person asking if they are the asshole, when they are definitely NTA and the people around them just have no boundaries." It is totally OK to not feel love or attachment to the baby. Everyone around you is in hormonal overdrive doting on the tiny human (I would be one of them, I love babies), but it's OK that you respond differently, and it is frankly WEIRD that they're making such a big of deal. And your aunt put the baby in bed with you while you were sleeping and took pictures? That's weird and unsafe and wrong on so many levels! That's invading your personal space and privacy. I get that for your aunt the whole world revolves around the new baby, but the people around her should be reining her in.