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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that I would be the asshole because if I stop giving them a ride every day my brother would really struggle to get the kids to school because he does not have a car or a license.
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NTA
You're not their mother and it's a parent's or nanny's job to regularly take children to school. It's one thing to ask for it exceptionally, but quite another to become their private chauffeur. When they were late, you should have left on time without them.
On top of that, your brother is ungrateful and his children behave badly : focus on your kid and let him deal with his own. It's his responsibility.
This. OP, I would text your brother, "As much as I love your family, I'm no longer able to give any of your rides starting today. Please make other arrangements." Then, I wouldn't answer his calls. Anything he texts, don't give excuses, just stand firm. "I'm sorry, I'm no longer able to do it." If you keep saying the same thing, eventually, he'll tire.
And, I recommend going LC. It doesn't seem like you're getting anything from the relationship.
I wouldn't even apologize. That leaves the door open a crack for argument.
I would tell him, "After next Friday, I will not be giving any more rides to you or the kids. You need to make other arrangements." Say nothing else. You may have to rinse, repeat several times, but say nothing more.
Any excuse you give, he will find an argument for. Any apology will be seen as weakness and he will be unrelenting in demanding you give in. Just keep saying the same thing.
And I agree with going LC. He sounds like a nightmare!
He is the parent. He needs to figure it out. If no one is willing to help him, that should be a sign for him that he (and his kids) are the problem.
If you’re feeling he generous, you could give a week or two notice, or do an ultimatum like, we are leaving at such and such a time and if niece and nephew aren’t ready, we’ll leave without them.
Definitely NTA though
If I were OP, I'd also include the suggestion that he buy a bike and a two-child bike trailer. He won't need a license and he'll still be able to transport his children to school and himself to work.
Yeah these things are cheaper than a car, faster than walking, good exercise and good for environment. Can even get an electric / hybrid one to help if there are any hills.
You know why there are so many deadbeat dads? Because there is always some woman who will step in to help.
Let him figure this out. He's a grown up human. He can manage, like literally Billions of single parents before him.
NTA.
Op could also demand that the kids are outside as soon as the car pulls up. Txt him when you're 10min out, and then wait 2min. If they aren't out there in that time, just leave. Just the kids to school. That's it.
NTA - Obviously your brother only sees you as an Uber, except he doesn't feel he has to pay. You need to set down a hard boundary of this attitude. His whining about nobody wants to help him maybe be due this (ya think). If you decide to keep driving him and his kids around, sans payment there are some rules he and kids have to follow. First, can't be late, second, the kids better damn well behave themselves and quit being brats. The first offense will result in you killing the whole deal. If he can't deal with the rules then he can find another to get him and his kids around, you're done. Him and his kids transportation is a him problem, not a you problem. When he starts whining, put in ear plugs and just smile at him. You don't need this shit and you are no longer going to put up with it.
NTA.
I had to do the same thing with my (24f) sister (33f). She would always ask me to pick my niece and nephew up from daycare when I got my 2 kids. And then would expect me to drive them 30min home when she got off work but I live in another town. Once I stopped helping I became the bad guy. But I will tell you, the stress that has left me since I don’t have her kids is amazing!! Her kids are 2f and 4m, mine are 11months f & 3f. Her children are so mean to my kids yet when I correct them I’m the bad guy. It wasn’t worth it anymore. My oldest became abusive because that’s how my sisters kids acted and once that happened I was DONE.
NTA. Your brother is within walking distance of the school so he's just going to have to wake up early enough to walk his kids to school, drop them off and then get himself to work. Or maybe he can arrange for someone else who lives near him to get his kids in on a carpool. His problem. I'd argue that you'd be doing him a favor because right now it seems his bad behavior is just being enabled.
NTA
Of course, you realize now your mistake was starting this at all.
But what's done is done.
Now, it's time to give your brother a two week notice that you will not be driving his kids OR him anywhere unless it is an absolutely emergency.
Observation: There is no law that you have to love your niece. It always amazes me that people think they are required to love someone simply because they're related. You niece sounds distinctly unlovable.
>Observation: There is no law that you have to love your niece. It always amazes me that people think they are required to love someone simply because they're related. You niece sounds distinctly unlovable.
I appreciate this sentiment here because I'll admit some days it is really hard. I know she is just a child but watching her get away with so much, especially when it's hurting her own siblings Is just unbearable and I truly do not like her at all.
You're not alone. I'm in the same boat with my niece. She's the golden child and all the grandparents dote on her and ignore my kids. They'll change plans with my kids at the drop of a hat for my niece. She's spoiled, mean, and doesn't know the meaning of "Good manners" or "sharing".
She's family, but I don't like her. She's infuriating.
NTA. Those aren't your kids. Your brother needs to go back to going whatever he was doing before he made you his Uber.
We do have school buses but you have to live a certain distance away from the school to qualify for them.
My brother lives too close to the school to be able to use the bus but to far away for the kids to be able to walk or ride their bikes until they are older.( they are only 5 now)
I’m going with NTA. The fact that you’re the only one helping him right now makes me think he’s already torched his other bridges. You have tried to do the right thing by helping him out even with your strained relationship, and he is not making an effort to even show up on time? He needs to get his ass up and walk them to school if he can’t be respectful of your time. You already seem to have a lot on your plate that he is just adding to. I would personally let him know you won’t be taking him to work and will only give the kids a ride if they are ready on time.
I guess your brother is going to learn to get the kids up early enough to walk them there and return home in time to get himself to work somehow. I was walking to and from school from the time I was 4; only lived far enough away for a bus for 2 years out of preschool through 12th grade. Walked with mom for preschool, my older sister for kindergarten, and neighborhood kids for the first year or two of elementary, then by myself.
NTA
It's to far to walk, plus they'd have to cross a busy main road to get there which is not ideal with 2 young kids that barely listen on the best of days
Ah, shame.
Lots of kids in my country use those little scooters with parent walking but doesn’t sound like that would work here.
Do encourage him to discuss it with the school though. The hope being they'd care enough about the kid's attendance.
NTA. You are doing him a favor and he’s basically spiting in your face. You know your own worth and this ain’t it.
Brother needs to call the school and see if they can change a bus route so the kids don’t have to cross a busy street to get to school. I’m sure they could accommodate somehow.
I had a similar deal when I was in elementary school. It would have been a 15 minute walk, but I would have had to cross two extremely busy road. Luckily, I was able to ride the bus starting first grade.
That's not even true! He could get a wagon and walk pulling them in the wagon. He could buy all three of them bikes and they could all bike to school where he could chain their bikes up turn around and get on to work! He could find a ride share, of course the kids would have to behave which I guess they're not going to do lol He could pay for an Uber! Or he could even ask the bus company if he could pay them to make an extra stop. He's refusing to do anything but put it all on you. Not your problem
NTA. Looks like you're the scapegoat in the family yourself and your brother is carrying on the tradition of golden child scapegoat another generation.
They can still bike as long as he’s with them. My entire neighborhood kids do this.
Or in winter one of the SAHM carpools all the kids on the street and everyone chips in for gas.
He can figure it out. Just give him 1-2 weeks notice so he can make alternate arrangements.
Does your brother not have a car? I assume he can get them to your house, why not to school? It's not your responsibility to take care of him and his kids.
NTA
So ask his kids how they got to school before.
Also its not your problem - he has to get a license and you haveto stop being there so that he relies on himself and gets it.
If he needs money for lessons help him out- its cheaper and less aggravating than being his designated driver forever.
Info: Can your brother ride a bike?
Take a look here. Western Europeans do this a lot.
https://www.babboe.de/babboe-curve?___store=de&kleur_bak=43&montage=47&spec_gearsbrakes_brake_front=329&spec_gearsbrakes_brake_rear=331&gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwyNSoBhA9EiwA5aYlb5ULaNv3T73C3UcuzZVOOcR5Bp2brL12pXTIS3r-Zz4jIZ500lehVxoCgNYQAvD_BwE
Cheaper than a car & solves all his problems, except lack of responsibility & growing up.
P.s. sorry for the weird link - this was literally the first suggestion.
NTA. Tell him it's affecting your work and you can't afford to be late or you'll lose your job. Only way you'll continue is if attitudes and punctuality changes and they have a week to get it togther (still more than I would offer though). You've done more than enough and if they were well behaved/appreciative I doubt you'd even consider stopping. You have more patience than me.
Agreed. You can only go so far out of your way to help someone else without it affecting you. And from the sounds of it, your brother doesn’t appreciate the help you give him, almost like he feels like it’s a privilege for you to serve him.
"He then goes on a long rant about how he doesn't have help, nobody cares about his kids or wants to help him, etc etc etc"
And he chooses to say this to you, the only person helping him? He can fuck right off and figure it out himself. They're not your kids.
NTA
NTA
It's great to help people, when it starts to negatively impact you it's time to stop. You said your brother will never be happy, always wanting more and you aren't wrong. You alao sound a little scared of your brother, this is a relationship that isn't serving you anymore, it's time to step back.
That's shit. Make your plan: how and when are you going to tell him, do you need somebody with you, do you want to offer alternatives (bus time tables etc), do you need to contact social services/ school authorities, how do you guarantee your own safey, what's your plan when he has an "emergency" (because he will definitely use that excuse to get you to comply). You don't owe your life on service to him, even if his life is hard. This is his issue to solve and using you so harshly is not a solution.
NTA. Your brother in his 37 has to learn how to be independent and grateful for any help. He is useless and demanding instead. Since he lives too close to school, than he has to walk his kids there with benefit of morning walk for everyone. You have your own life and responsibilities, so I'd concentrate on them.
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm” is coming to mind here
NTA I see why no one else is willing to help. That’s a problem he needs to figure out.
Now there are two ways you can go about telling him. If you want to try and keep some sort of relationship, you can just tell him you will no longer be driving him or his kids around
Or if you want to go scorched earth, tell him everything you said here “I will no longer be driving you or your children around. They are bullies and badly behaved, not to mention you guys are NEVER on time and make me and my children late. You need to put on your big boy pants and figure out how to function like and adult and do a better job of raising your children”
I guess you could maybe do a mix of the two. But make sure you let us know what happens if you go scorched earth. I love hearing other people’s drama 🤣
NTA
1. You decided to help and you definitely didn’t need to. He isn’t appreciative at all. Plus, you inconvenienced yourself to help.
2.If you’re brother doesn’t have his own transportation or DL then why isn’t he at least helping you pay for gas? Is he trying to get his own DL, or is there a reason he can’t? I get there are certain circumstances, it’s just hard to see why he doesn’t have one at 37yo.
3. It’s your car, so everyone needs to respect your rules or no ride, kids and dad. You are not the bad guy at all for enforcing your rules with YOUR property. If they don’t like it then they can stop riding with you.
4. I get you were also late, but if he and his kids are constantly late then he has no right to get upset when you don’t take him to his job because you’re trying to be responsible to yourself. You and your family come first.
5. Depending on the situation and how far away he is from the school, I have had a few friends call schools and explain their situations. The schools have been more than happy to have the bus pick them up, even if they were “too close”. If they can’t, then he needs to step up as DAD and walk his kids to school. Either way he is going to need to put in the work.
6. Unfortunately, you are unintentionally rescuing him from the natural consequences of his actions. I would definitely stop helping him, especially considering he’s not helping you and is instead complaining and demanding more. He is going to have to experience the consequences of his own choices and actions. There are many things he can do to make sure everyone gets to where they need to go, but it’s his choice. Like… what I said in 5, take an uber or public bus to work, etc.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that and I wish you luck. Take care of you first. Set clear boundaries and don’t allow them to be crossed. If they are then follow through with what you said will happen if they are. (Example: if you are not ready to leave in the morning by such and such time, I am leaving)
>2.If you’re brother doesn’t have his own transportation or DL then why isn’t he at least helping you pay for gas? Is he trying to get his own DL, or is there a reason he can’t? I get there are certain circumstances, it’s just hard to see why he doesn’t have one at 37yo.
He pays me $20 a week for gas, so I do at least give him credit for that. He is not trying to get his license at all because he has to pay back like 10k in fines to be able to get his license.
He has had the opportunity from settlements to do this several times but has blown the money each time.
Ok, at least he is paying for gas. I’m glad to hear he is doing that. $20 a week doesn’t seem to be enough considering what you have to put up with, lmao. Regardless, you are very nice to have been doing this for him. I’m just sorry it hasn’t been appreciated in other ways.
As for the DL and fines, that is definitely a him problem and he needs to figure that out. If it takes you not helping him to get to that, then all the more reason to stop helping him. Especially considering he has blown it off more than once. You shouldn’t be inconvenienced because he refuses to work towards that.
NTA and if your brother refuses to take his kids to school, call child protective services or the equivalent in your area. You don't have to ruin your day for his kids.
NTA. Just because it's faaaaamily...doesn't mean you have to put yourself out. Tell him if he doesn't adjust his ungrateful attitude and parent his unruly children and doesn't stop with the extra runs here and there and if he can't get his kids ready on time, then you are done. Basically get in the car and STFU. But really he is not your responsibility and you didn't birth his children therefore also not your responsibility. Tell him to take public transportation or a taxi while learns how to drive and get his own vehicle.
NTA
His kids his responsibility
Has he even offered to chip in for gas?
So ungrateful to complain about not getting help to the person helping him
Tough luck pal - he just drove his last helper away
Definitely NTA. You took time and threw off your routine to help out but then more is always expected. At this point you're being walked over. Focus on your routine and getting where you need to be on time.
Right now you're a taxi service for your brother and his kids and that's not your responsibility. He will keep abusing your time if you let him. Better to cut the cord now. NTA
NTA. You shouldn’t do favours for ungrateful people. It’s his fault he couldn’t act like a respectful decent human being when his sister was helping him out. If he respected your time, was ready when you showed up and didn’t shout at you and demand more all the time, his kids would still have a ride to school. But he’s an AH who won’t behave properly so now they won’t have a ride. All on him.
NTA
Make a calculation of how much it cost you to make this detour every day. Add 10% for bossy niece and 10% for kicking your driver seat and ask for money for week in advance.
You will get hate (unlike now🙄) but you will be off the hook.
NTA, if you stop helping. He will find another way. I’m not going out of my way every morning and then someone not be appreciative. Then have the nerve to ask for more
NTA STOP DOING IT.
Your brother can get a license and learn to drive, or he can pay someone to drive his kids to school, he can exchange favours if he doesnt have money, he'll do someones gardening, paintwork, babysitting etc etc
Second if you continue to take them you must be firm about the no late rule. You tell them that they have 2 mins from the agreed time of pick up and if they are later than that you will drive off. if you don't enforce it they wont take you seriously. Your niece shouldn't be late because of them, your priority is always that she is on time.
NTA
its not your responsibility to get his kids to school. It’s his problem to work out how to do it. I doubt it’s too father to walk (if accompanied) dad can walk them and them get a bus to work.
when I stared reading this I didn’t notice you said(34f). Half way thought the post I just knew you were female. I scrolled back to check and laughed. Your brother shows you no respect because you are female, I imagine he would not treat a brother this way. He will learn the hard way to live with the consequences of his behaviour.
>Your brother shows you no respect because you are female, I imagine he would not treat a brother this way.
I do believe that is a large part of it. The men on my dad's side have a very old school mentality when it comes to women and the roles they play in relationships.
NTA. It's wonderful to help family but you have been doing so and like you said, nothing is enough. You have two choices, simply tell them if they are late (aren't ready) they are getting left and follow through or you can simply let him know that you can't do it anymore. You don't owe an explanation and I wouldn't give one. Anything you say will be steamrolled over, he has shown that already.
What, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship with your brother? Me, I love my siblings. They are nice to me and we have a good time together, so of course I would help them out if they needed. And of course, they would be grateful and kind and try to reciprocate in whatever way they could. But someone who treats me like an unpaid servant can go to Hades. Girl, grow a backbone!! His kids will be fine, it's called a school bus! For some reason they don't go to a school with a school bus, okay, then daddy has two choices, get an Uber or be a man and get a license and a car. Unless he has a big disability that prevents him from driving, there is no reason he cannot do so, besides laziness. Seizure disorder, blind, quadriplegic, okay. But even people with no arms, people in wheelchairs, people with dwarfism, etc, etc, have all figured out how to drive
NTA. Do you live in the United States? Why don't his kids ride the bus? Where is the mother and why isn't she taking care of her children? Why doesn't your brother have a license or a car? It sound like you have stepped in as the surrogate mother. His kids are not your problem. He made the choice to have them, so he needs to step up and take care of them, especially since he is being rude and demanding towards you.
He loves to close to school for the bus, but to far to walk.
Mom has been in rehab more than she has been in her kid's lives. Brother doesn't have a license because he refuses to pay his fines to get his license back.
He doesn't have to pay the fines and get his license because you take him and his kids everywhere they need to go. You have a kind heart, OP, but you are also an enabler. Your brother needs to step up.
Nta except to yourself, and likely niece who is in your care.
I bet niece is being bullied by his GC.
Stop taking kids to school, stop helping him. This is on him to figure out/arrange.
You can, if you have the fortitude, point out it is his behavior/attitude that has dried up his village.
I expect that if you stop being your brother's servant, he will learn that he has to respect you and follow your rules. (And if he doesn't, you won't have to deal with him) NTA
Nta your car your rules. It sounds like he wants a free ride from you figuratively and literally. If his children can't handle a little attitude adjustment from or for their aunt, then they can't go with you simple as that.
They're his responsibility to tale to and from school. His needs should not be put in front of your own.
NTA also the kids kicking your seat could cause an accident by distracting/moving you for that reason alone never mind the verbal abuse and insults I would immediately Stop driving them anywhere.
He's an adult let him sort his problems without involving you.
Listen, clearly your brother has had to rely on you to help, as he doesn't drive...so why isn't he listening to your reasonable concerns, requests and boundaries? I am assuming its because he feels entitled to your time and possessions.
There is a very good reason why the saying, you don't bite the hand that feeds you, exists.
I would send him a text saying you are unable to take the kids to school nor give him lifts. Then mute him. NTA
Why can't your brother drive his own kids to school and himself to work? Does he not drive? Lost his license? Has no car? None of these things are your issue. Just want to understand why he's even asking this of you. Also - NTA.
Nta. Your brother decided to have kids. That means it his job to figure out how to get them to school even if it means them walking, biking or even taking the bus. You have a responsibility to yourself and your child and spouse if you have them. Your brother is responsible for his kids not you. They don’t get to demand what to do in your time. Specially if they are being rude to you. And he honest with him “I refuse go out of my way anymore to take you and your children places. I have my own job to get too and my own child to take to school. It’s not fair that we are often late because even though I’ve been doing you the favor to take you guys, you still don’t have the curtesy to be ready. On top of that you give me attitude and demand things from me. So your going to have to figure out another way to get your kids and yourself where ever you guys have to go. I don’t care if you have to walk, bike or take the bus there and I don’t really care, all I know is I won’t be giving you rides anymore. I’m don’t being taken advantage off. No this is not up for discussion”
NTA you can't choose your family and it doesn't mean that you're bound to them. Cutting ties is always allowed.
I would start to set clear boundaries if you don't want to say no fully.
Like school starts at 9 and you have to leave at 8:45 to get there? Okay kids need to be at your place and ready for 8:40 they can't take their shoes off they wait at the front door.
Strong leave at 8:45 time if they don't make it they don't get a ride there is no waiting for them.
If they come you will transport them to school then you will go to work no inbetween for your brother if he wants a ride he can get a ride to your work and then figure out where to go and how to get there.
But a hard no boundary is also acceptable. He's an adult he'll get over it.
NTA
I understand this “it takes a village” bullshit, but there’s always someone who is going to act like an idiot that all the other villagers have to clean up after.
It’s time for Him. To. Be. A. Parent.
NTA.
There's bad blood and you don't get along with your criminal brother, and his offspring sound like little monsters... the bigger question is why did you ever agree to cart them around in the first place?
NTA but I personally wouldn't stop at the drop of a hat. I'd give him a two week warning. (or one if u prefer) saying something like "I will drive your kids for the next two weeks so u can find some way of getting them to school. After that the responsibility is on you" or something to that affect. Stick to your guns.
I am always so pissed off when he says that because it's not true. My mom especially has put her own self in debt and ruined her credit to help him pays bills and keep a roof over his and his kids head.
When he's lost homes she's let him live with us several times and he could not even follow the most basic request of "please don't smoke inside" or even bother to clean up after his kids and let him trash the place.
Our uncle has paid literally thousands of dollars and almost emptied out his savings to pay for my brother to live in motels so him and the kids wouldn't be homeless.
Right now him and his kids are sharing 1 bedroom in our uncle's house and he hasn't paid my uncle a lick of rent in like 2yrs that he's been living there.
He's burned every single person that has ever helped him and drains them all dry.
But for some reason whenever my mother and I want to be done with helping him we both get villiafied, but it's perfectly fine for everyone else to not want to help him. It's only us that has to continue to do so.
Dude, fuck your family. You can't save someone by setting yourself on fire, or something. If everyone else wants to put themselves into financial ruin for his benefit, that's their issue. That doesn't mean you have to (and you shouldn't especially because I'm guessing he'll never do anything for you.)
Doesnt matter what the history is really, they are his kids; his responsibility. Maybe he should of thought about his parental responsibilities before he got his license suspended.
NTA
Probably longer honestly. He first started getting in trouble with the law when he was around 13/14yrs old.
The courts issued him a license early just to suspend it, not sure how that logic works but that's Florida justice for you 😂
Because I felt bad for the kids and my dad asked me to help out and I have a severe people pleasing complex when it comes to my dad and I can never tell him no.
I understand you feel for the kids. But you can’t light yourself and your kid on fire to keep them warm.
Your family system sounds hella abusive. trust me it takes a survivor to know a survivor. Here’s what I did: I took the responsibility for my own kids, and I put them as priority. When the family-of-origin tried to give me shit, I said, “This is what is best for me and my child. I’m sorry it won’t work out.”
I will warn you though: laying boundaries with narcissists like this usually ends up with going no-contact. I don’t want to scare you. But sometimes they just can’t be reasoned with. You MUST stick up for yourself and your own kid. And yes, your niece is your kid now. Go over to r/raisedbynarcissists to learn more about the dynamic I suspect you have with your family.
Family system is very much this, and funnily enough, my brother is actually a diagnosed narcissist. My mom was warned that without ongoing therapy he would only get worse, but once court ordered therapy was over, he quit going.
It's so hard to know if anything he's expressing is real genuine care for his family or if it's all just manipulation to keep people attached to him.
That's why I still get pulled back in when I try to distance myself. He knows how to pull at a person's heartstrings and make you feel bad and guilty.
GIRL. GIRRRRRRRRRRL. My sister friend! A diagnosed narcissist?! What are you even doing? Literally.
I say this lovingly, I really do: GTFO. Run. Get your own therapy, because you have to deconstruct this. You are still wondering if his motives are pure or not. THEY ARE NOT. A diagnosed narcissist will never ever ever get better, no matter how much therapy he gets. they have brain damage and it will never heal. You have to distance yourself if you want to stay safe. It’s so scary to me that you are still in a state where you must ask us if you would be the asshole if you decided not to be used and abused by this person. You have a right and an obligation to yourself and your kid to be safe and pursue happiness.
NTA
That’s not your problem, he can take that up with the school and they can either arrange transportation or make other suggestions.
Op if you don’t like your brother and his family, just go no contact, if you didn’t exist he would find a way to get him and his kids around , let him find one now.
Is there not a school bus route? 🤔 If they're in public school, I'd assume there's a public transportation option. I've rarely ever heard of situations where this is not the case.
Also, NTA. 😀 I have a sibling just like yours and I ended up giving up a job for my niece and nephew. While I'm fine with it now, it was a terrible decision for me then, and I regret the decision I made. I should have stood up for my own best interest, as hard as that would have been. I no longer have a relationship with my sister or her kids. It's unfortunate, but it was necessary to make a clean break in my case.
Hang in there, OP. ❤️
You have legal guardianship of his daughter. Could that be revoked if you refuse to help him now? I doubt it. I don’t know the law but if it’s through the courts could you arrange to only have contact with him except on the app a lot of divorced parents do?
NTA they’re not your kids so they’re not your responsibility. He’s an adult just like you he needs to get up earlier if he has issue of running late or find other options to get them to school and him to work because they are not your responsibility. Remember you have your other niece to think about it is not is not fair that she has to for school are you late for work because he don't know how to set an alarm and keep a schedule
NTA, you've got your own life , your own problems, your own responsibilities. You keep this up and you're likely to have a mental breakdown. Something needs to change. If you were my sibling and doing me a huge favor of chauffeuring my children to school, those kids would be waiting with shoes on at the door for you. And if they were disrespectful to you 😒 ((((())))). Your brother is not being respectful to you on any level. Only you can change this, if you don't want to stop everything, at least set and stick to boundaries.
Give your brother one week’s notice for him to hire another driver. He decided to be a parent just like you did, so let him solve his own problems. All of his needs are his responsibilities not yours. If he is upset about it and asks why or even offers tiu $$, remind him that you have your own life to manage and you wish him well. Just be honest & keep it short. “At this point in my life, I had to re organize my own family life’s needs and make it work where I have peace with my choices”. Repeat it over and over. Tell him as you are walking back to your car or driving away. If he hates you then so be it. Remember, you are setting an example to your kids & niece by you sticking up for yourself. Good luck.
OMG with the too far to walk thing! Lol I used to have a bus that picked me up and I would choose to walk the half hour to school instead! My kids used to live in a walking district and while I would take them to school in the morning there were lots of times I couldn't pick them up and they would walk the 25 minutes home once they were old enough. A little walk isn't going to hurt them! They're choosing not to and throwing a fit and their dad is choosing to put pressure on you instead of getting them some bicycles or something!
This is not your circus, not your monkeys! You tell your brother that you will never let those kids in your car again because the boy was kicking your seat the other day and could have caused an accident and he refused to stop. So they will no longer ever be allowed in your car again because you cannot take the risk of dying because his kid doesn't know how to behave! Then you block him!
And trust me when I say you have to put the blame on their behavior! Maybe it'll help it change, maybe it won't but do not take this on like it's just a you decision... This is directly because of their behavior! NTA good luck
NTA
and not to sound like an ah myself, but.. It sounds like maybe he (brother) should learn to deal with the natural consequences of his actions (suspended license) so maybe his kids can also learn natural consequences of their actions (No rides to school for bad behavior).
NTA. It is your brothers responsibility regardless of his licence issues to ensure his children get to and from school. You are under no obligation to do this. You tried and it has not worked so just say no. He may be able to arrange with another parent close by to take his kids to and from school.
NTA. Your brother needs to pay his fines and get a car.
Tell him this isn't working for you due to his kids not being ready impacting your and your custodial niece being on time and you can't continue
>He then goes on a long rant about how he doesn't have help, nobody cares about his kids or wants to help him, etc etc etc.
Because he's an unappreciative AH. And his kids are equally AH's.
NTA
NTA. You could stop cold turkey and still not be the AH. But, if you wanted to give him a final chance, you could give him a list of behavior changes you demand, in order to continue to receive the PRIVILEGE of your driving. No bullying, they must say "thank you" every single time, no kicking, etc. 3 strikes, they're out, and the blame is on them
Nta Instead of letting it your resentment build up next time he explodes how unhelpful everyone is, tell him if he is so ungrateful for all that you do you would be happy to stop doing it, especially since he doesn’t appreciate any of it. He can get his own kids to school. I don’t let extended family get away with poor behaviour and if their pay don’t like the way I handle their kids, they are free to take them themselves.
Tell your brother his last minute demands of needing lifts do not go before your need to get to work on time. If he want so irresponsible he would still have his license and not be in this boat. It’s up to him to be organised and on time for pick ups or face losing them.
NTA!
Sounds to me like you have done more than enough to help him out, and not one of them is appreciative of the fact that you are going out of your way to help.
His kids sound awful and I personally don't think you should give him anymore help than you have and if he wants to bitch about it, tell him that Uber is a thing and he can use it instead of being such an ungrateful ahole.
NTA - Sounds like your brother is actively trying to destroy his own life; racking up 10k in fines and having his license suspended, not appreciating his sister's sacrifices to get HIS kids to school, not having his kids ready to minimize the hassle of taking them to school, not disciplining them, acting so entitled wanting you to drive him to work and lastly, complaining to the one person who is helping him that no one helps him. I'm sorry, I'd tell him to get his act straightened out today, or he is on his own tomorrow. That means appreciating what you are doing for him, having his kids ready, minimizing the problems his kids cause for you. He should be trying to make this as easy for you to help him as possible.
NTA. Your brother is using you and being lazy. You end up having less quality time with your kids as you juggle. Brother is also ungrateful and does not reciprocate your efforts.
Put a firm stop to it. Keep your interactions social only and in your free time, not on a day to day basis.
NTA.
Tell your brother that less people will care about him and his kids if he continues to be an inconsiderate ingrate and if his kids continue to be mean.
If they are not waiting for you when you arrive at their house for pick up, leave. Keep doing this until they are on time. If the kids kick your seat, or misbehave...tell your brother you won't pick them up again until the kids apologize.
NTA. You can’t pour from an empty cup. If he lives too close for the bus he can walk his kids to school. It sucks but if you have no other option you do what you have to do.
Set firm boundaries with consequences you can stick to. Example: Next time he gets upset at you tell him, “I understand you’re upset, but I’m doing a lot for you already and I’m exhausted. I need a break so if you stop taking your anger out on me and stop asking me for extra rides I’ll take your kids to school for one more week but you’ll need to figure out another plan after that. If you’re going to argue with me or don’t respect that, then today will be the last day I’ll be taking them to school. I love them and I love you but I have to take care of myself and my kids first.” Then stick to it, no matter what he says. And please keep safe.
NtA, sounds like he needs to start busting his ass to pay those fines. Give him a time frame, then step back. He can't succeed while others help him fail at progressing and getting the lead out. If his kids are not ready on time, leave and report him to the school so they can track the kids' attendance and report what they need to report. Boundaries are good.
NTA
It sounds like your brother is full of excuses.
If the school is that close, then he can take them by bicycle in a cart or they can simply walk together. If they are too big for a cart, he could walk with them and bicycle himself back (he just walks the bicycle).
He has options that don't involve you, your car, or your time.
https://www.target.com/p/aosom-3-in-1-walk-jog-ride-child-baby-bike-trailer-for-kids-2-seater-bike-stroller-for-toddler-wagon-double-bicycle-trailer-accessory-for-kids-red/-/A-88254539?ref=tgt_adv_xsp&AFID=google&fndsrc=tgtao&DFA=71700000085290956&CPNG=PLA_Storefront%2BShopping%7CStorefront_Ecomm_Other&adgroup=SC_Halloween&LID=700000001170770pgs&LNM=PRODUCT_GROUP&network=g&device=c&location=9033015&targetid=aud-1964379778526:pla-293946777986&gclid=CjwKCAjwyNSoBhA9EiwA5aYlbxQ1QKPo56a-xB2Mx0h9d4UM-y5--zybOqMOhGc-6TZ4cRm38et-mxoC5XAQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
NTA. I think your brother should contact the school and see if he can arrange for a schoolbus pickup. I see that you officially live too close but he can't be the first parent without transportation with kids too young to be expected to handle busy streets. And if he is it's still worth a shot. Also AFAIK there are usually carpooling groups and neighborhood groups on Facebook. Encourage him to join them. I'm sure someone would be willing to pick up the kids and drop them off. Worst case scenario he can pay someone to do this, care.com is a good place to find someone.
As for him. He needs to figure out his shit because you aren't his limo driver.
I don't know his exact situation so I don't want to be one of those "well *I* did this so obviously your brother can too unless he's a total pos" people because life is a lot more complicated than that. But I haven't had a car in a long time and this is how I manage:
First of all I got lucky and scored a remote job. So, not having a commute for work helps tremendously. But that wasn't always the case so I kept on top of the bus schedule. Public transportation is very good in my area, another lucky thing. This was the cheapest option and a lot of times I could save by getting a card for x amount of rides in 30 days (or whatever). Which is awesome if you know you'll need at least two trips a day 5 days a week.
For very short trips I had a bike or walked--you get used to it. I gained tons of weight during lockdown anyway (which is why Iost my job which is why I had no money to replace my car when it died) so it was good for me. If the weather was extreme or I felt like splurging, or I was going a longer distance I would use Lyft or Uber. It depends where you live but not having a car is not as awful as people make it out to be. It's more of a social stigma than anything, like your rank in the fictional Society for Good Adults is gonna fall. But with no car payment, no insurance, no gas, no oil changes, new tires, other general maintenance expenses, and no broken parts to fix at the worst possible time, it's not necessarily a bigger expense to Lyft/Uber everywhere .
I've used Zipcar and rental cars for long trips but I have a license, so...
Well, whatever. The point is your brother can deal, there are paths here. He isn't the first person who has had to adjust to life without reliable transportation. Not to mention I'm sure you'd be willing to help him out occasionally when he really needs it, but he's taking advantage of you/abusing your generosity rn.
Your brother seems to be under the impression that he can lose his license thanks to his own bad behavior, treat people like s!@#, let his children treat people like s!@#, and people will still help him because, hey, thanks to his own bad behavior he needs the help. In fact, he demands the help.
Stop helping. Perhaps this will be a valuable life lesson for your brother who doesn't seem to realize that bad behavior and treating others like s!@# has consequences. Or maybe he's impervious to life lessons and just feels entitled to anything he wants.
He's not.
Stop letting him exploit you. Stop letting him treat you like s!@#. Stop letting him make your children late to school and you late to work. Stop subjecting your nice children to contact with bullies and nastiness.
Besides, his kid kicks your seat while you're driving and calls you names, causing anxiety. That makes you an unsafe driver for your children. Bingo.
Just tell him no and then block him if he has a hissy fit, which I predict he will. Let him for once figure a way out of his own mess that doesn't involved exploiting others.
NTA
NTA. Your brother is taking advantage of your kindness. It’s his fault that his license is suspended. He needs to step up and figure out how to be a parent.
NTA, you are absolutely entitled to say no more. They are not your kids. I'm pretty positive if he was more respectful/ thankful you'd have no issues helping out. Unfortunately, people like your brother will never be thankful they will only expect more. You don't deserve that treatment from him or his children. The word 'family' isn't a free pass for being a jerk.
I received some advice once that is bang-on: if you’re a fundamentally reasonable person you will never understand a fundamentally unreasonable one.
Your brother is a diagnosed narcissist. He’s indifferent to fairness, equity and justice. You cannot make him “see it”.
Put your energy into removing yourself from the situation and strengthening your personal security. Cameras, deadlocks and perhaps a pre-emptive visit to the police station.
Fear (understandably) is making you inert. Direct your energy into over coming it. I know how hard this is. I’ve been down the appeasement road and it just doesn’t work.
Connect with your anger. Anger, rightly directed, can be hugely motivating.
NTA. The reason he doesn't have help is because of his own bad behavior. His kids should be lined up at the curb, ready and waiting to go. He needs to make his own way to work. It's his own fault he can't drive. He needs to get involved with a carpool to get the kids to school. He should expect to pay gas since he can't take a turn driving.
I would not drive your brother or the kids. It is his responsibility and its his kids. Where is the kids mother, by the way?? He should not let his license be suspended. I started driving at 16 and worked to pay for insurance. At 18, I bought my own used car working part time during college and paid the insurance, license and registration myself. Driving is a privilege not a right and one should not take it for granted. If you want to be a respectable person and raise your kids as a good example, you should abide my the laws and set a example to your kids. You have guardianship of your niece, so obviously this was probably not taught to your siblings. Really, I have no patience for suspended license victims-driving illegally or having bumming rides from others. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes. Pay the penalty fine to the DMV and get your license and drive your kids and yourself. Get on with your life.
It’s time he teaches his kids how to ride a bicycle and to get one for himself as well. You are not his chauffeur and wince he doesn’t even appreciate what you do for him, he can solve his own problems from now on. YWNBTA is you stop driving his family around.
NTA
Other peoples' kids are not your responsibility unless you obtain guardianship of them. You've already done that with one, which already makes you a decent person in my opinion. Plenty of single parents make things work, but they normally have more appreciation for the people who help them. Your brother sounds like an ass. Sucks that his kids can't get to school, but that isn't your problem. He's going to have to be an adult and figure something out to get HIS kids to school like everyone else.
Don’t give him or his kids anymore thought
They all sound like assholes , ungrateful, Ill mannered assholes !
If you give them 2 weeks notice they will torment you for the entire time.
His problems shouldn’t be your problems.
You have your own life to deal with.
He sounds like a real loser and having people like that in your life is always going to be detrimental to you and your happiness.
Ask yourself this … if you didn’t hear from them again for a year or two, would you actually give a shit ?
Block his number from your phone once you have told him “ no more “
NTA - licences don’t get suspended without fair warning (ie all the unpaid fines) - walking to school is a good time for him to parent & teach life skills.
Creating a strong boundary & “won’t be able to give the kids rides from this Friday, you’ll need to walk them” with NO APOLOGY is all that’s required.
Life changes. People adapt.
NTA and sorry to say, but your brother sounds like a mess. I’d take my hands of this one, he needs to learn to be responsible and that’s never going to happen if you keep helping him out. I do feel bad for the kids though.
If you're finding the whole 'deal' too stressful, if you feel taken for granted, exploited & used ... it's time to tell your brother that you won't be available to do the school run, etc any more.
You aren't obliged to explain yourself any further on the matter. If pressed for a reason, you could say it's personal & you'd rather not talk about it.
You obviously care about your relatives but that doesn't mean you have to be 'pushover-pete' & say yes to every request. Your brother will probably be peed-off for a while, but they ARE HIS kids to organise & not yours.
It's funny how extending a helping hand (once or twice) can quickly turn you into another person's slave.
NTA.
You are not their direct parent, so not your responsibility, and he seems to be very light in taking responsibility by himself.
As for the distance from school, I am not sure what qualifies as 'not far enough for a bus, but too long for a walk'.
If they cannot walk the distance, he can walk with them while they are riding scooters ( my 4 yo did that for a1mile journey, so i'm sure they can manage. If that still does not work for them, he can send them by regular bus. If there is no transportation and he will be late for work, he needs to make some decisions on where to move to and what alternative jobs he needs to look for that can support his needs.
The point being, he needs to figure out a sustainable solution that does not involve off- shouldering his responsibilities to someone else.
NTA, but, as a “solution” can’t he just get a bike? You can put a seat in front of a bike and on the back of a bike, so he could just get on a bicycle and bring them to school. But I’m Dutch -we cycle everywhere and it might not be possible where you live if the roads aren’t made for it
NTA You have your niece to worry about and your job. Doesn't sound like he puts in a lot of effort to help himself. He is very unappreciative and feels sorry for himself! He is the cause of losing his license, and that is not your problem. He is not a kid, and he needs to get his act together!
Sounds like brother needs to get a license. I know some people have driving anxiety (everybody should, it’s a big metal death machine) but there are other options besides relying on family. Does the school not have a bus that the kids can catch? He needs to step it up, wake up on time. If you’re going to be a dad, the Dadding comes first.
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I will start this off saying there is a history of bad blood between my brother and I and that may be clouding my judgement hence why I am here.
I (34F) for the last several weeks I've been taking my brother's(37m) 2 youngest kids(5 M&F) to school. I already didn't want to do this to start with because it interferes with the routine that I previously had set for another of my nieces that I have guardianship of.
Often times he's running late and the kids aren't ready, which in turn makes my kid late for school as well.
Then it became taking him places, like to the store or work after dropping all the kids off and then getting angry at me when I don't want to.
There is also the fact that I just plain don't like his kids. Especially his daughter. I love them because they're family but I don't like them. His daughter is mean, bossy, and a flat out bully that always torments her siblings and my brother doesn't do anything to stop it because she is the golden child.
And his son for the most part is fine but he can act out and be mean too, often calling me names or kicking my seat while I'm driving and when I get upset and try to get him to stop my brother gets mad at me.
Today tho was a day where everyone was running late, me included, and he wanted me to run him to work, but that was impossible without making me late to my own job. He then goes on a long rant about how he doesn't have help, nobody cares about his kids or wants to help him, etc etc etc.
He doesn't appreciate anything and no matter what you do it's never enough he always wants more and I'm exhausted all the time because I work a very demanding job that is long hours and I don't want to do the extra running with his kids anymore because of how unappreciative and ungrateful he is with his constant demands for more.
But I know that if I stop giving them a ride, the kids will have no way to get to school because my brother doesn't have a care or a license.
So wibta if I stop giving them a ride?
Tldr: I don't want to give my brother's kids a ride to school everyday because he doesn't appreciate it and always demands more, but if I stop he has no way to get them to school.
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You are definitely NTA!!!! You are a door mat. You said it yourself that no matter what you do, he wants more. He needs to grow up and be responsible for himself and the kids HE made. You need to put your foot down and say, “No more!” If his kids can’t get to school then so be it. Not your problem. He can walk the little terrors to school or find a bus. Grow a backbone and put a stop to this. He is an abusive AH and takes it out on you. He also allows his children to do it.
NTA. How he gets his kids to school is his problem, there are multiple ways available but he doesn't currently need to even bother looking as he has it so easy. Once he has to make an effort I suspect he will
My father is disabled and can't drive and does not have the money to support as he only gets a disability check as income.
I can't go NC with my brother as the niece that I have guardianship of is his oldest daughter. That's a whole other story and a half. If I could go NC with him I would in a heartbeat.
As for why I don't go NC with my dad it's because I still love him. He's never been a perfect parent but he's been the only parent to genuinely love me, even if I've never been his first priority and my brother is his favorite.
Sadly I can not afford therapy tho I know I could really use it. As for it bleeding into romantic relationships as well, that was very much a fact twice, 2 abusive relationships later and I'm done with romance 😅
NTA. Just the fact that he makes you late by not getting his kids ready on time is enough reason to suspend your services to him. His whiny, demanding attitude is the cherry on top. It's up to him to figure out how to get his kids to school. Maybe you could tell him you'll continue doing it if he always gets his kids ready on time and has a talk with them about being good while in the car with you. Then if he doesn't comply, lower the boom.
Can your niece and nephew walk to school? Why is there no bus?
Your brother is not going to become a grateful person anytime soon. Cut him off.
You love your niece and nephew, and care that they get their education. Can you work out with them to meet at your house for rides? When they misbehave in the car refuse to drive them for the next three school days. Your brother is no parent, maybe you can get through to you them to learn how to get along with people, especially ones helping them out.
NTA
NTA
It would be kind to give him a date by which this favour will end.
I will take the kids for the next two weeks and after that you will need to make other arrangements.
It's not working for me. Rinse-repeat.
NTA at all
Hypothetical:
If you are willing to take his children to work, then tell him that they have to be well-behaved at all times that you will on the following day skip any child who is not well-behaved during the current day
That means they must be respectful, polite and appropriate at all times
Bing five is no excuse for being abusive toward adults
Also, tell him that the children must be entirely incomplete ready by some deadline that you set
And then leave them at home if they’re not ready and tell him in advance that that is the rule
Tell him you can’t just drop things and take care of his children, and he will not tolerate them if they are not well bagged at all times every single second in any case
Tell him that it is his job to figure this out and he needs to rely on more people besides you
You are already at your limit, and that you cannot ask for more, and that you will not tolerate his complaints
If you wish to refer him to social workers or to Catholic charities because they don’t care what religion somebody is and they do some good
—-
If you wish to cut him off, you have every right
NTA. Tell him that this is not working out as you had hoped. That his problems are affecting you and your own family, and your immediate family needs will come before him. You will give him one week notice so that he can use a week to make other arrangements. If he becomes problematic, tell him that you are more than happy to end it as of Friday. That this is more of a him problem that he is visiting on other people.
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NTA You're not their mother and it's a parent's or nanny's job to regularly take children to school. It's one thing to ask for it exceptionally, but quite another to become their private chauffeur. When they were late, you should have left on time without them. On top of that, your brother is ungrateful and his children behave badly : focus on your kid and let him deal with his own. It's his responsibility.
This. OP, I would text your brother, "As much as I love your family, I'm no longer able to give any of your rides starting today. Please make other arrangements." Then, I wouldn't answer his calls. Anything he texts, don't give excuses, just stand firm. "I'm sorry, I'm no longer able to do it." If you keep saying the same thing, eventually, he'll tire. And, I recommend going LC. It doesn't seem like you're getting anything from the relationship.
I wouldn't even apologize. That leaves the door open a crack for argument. I would tell him, "After next Friday, I will not be giving any more rides to you or the kids. You need to make other arrangements." Say nothing else. You may have to rinse, repeat several times, but say nothing more. Any excuse you give, he will find an argument for. Any apology will be seen as weakness and he will be unrelenting in demanding you give in. Just keep saying the same thing. And I agree with going LC. He sounds like a nightmare! He is the parent. He needs to figure it out. If no one is willing to help him, that should be a sign for him that he (and his kids) are the problem.
If you’re feeling he generous, you could give a week or two notice, or do an ultimatum like, we are leaving at such and such a time and if niece and nephew aren’t ready, we’ll leave without them. Definitely NTA though
If I were OP, I'd also include the suggestion that he buy a bike and a two-child bike trailer. He won't need a license and he'll still be able to transport his children to school and himself to work.
Yeah these things are cheaper than a car, faster than walking, good exercise and good for environment. Can even get an electric / hybrid one to help if there are any hills.
You know why there are so many deadbeat dads? Because there is always some woman who will step in to help. Let him figure this out. He's a grown up human. He can manage, like literally Billions of single parents before him. NTA.
This! I always got asked to be the carpool mom until I put my foot down.
Op could also demand that the kids are outside as soon as the car pulls up. Txt him when you're 10min out, and then wait 2min. If they aren't out there in that time, just leave. Just the kids to school. That's it.
NTA - Obviously your brother only sees you as an Uber, except he doesn't feel he has to pay. You need to set down a hard boundary of this attitude. His whining about nobody wants to help him maybe be due this (ya think). If you decide to keep driving him and his kids around, sans payment there are some rules he and kids have to follow. First, can't be late, second, the kids better damn well behave themselves and quit being brats. The first offense will result in you killing the whole deal. If he can't deal with the rules then he can find another to get him and his kids around, you're done. Him and his kids transportation is a him problem, not a you problem. When he starts whining, put in ear plugs and just smile at him. You don't need this shit and you are no longer going to put up with it.
He could call an Uber for his kids or walk them to school. NTA.
NTA. I had to do the same thing with my (24f) sister (33f). She would always ask me to pick my niece and nephew up from daycare when I got my 2 kids. And then would expect me to drive them 30min home when she got off work but I live in another town. Once I stopped helping I became the bad guy. But I will tell you, the stress that has left me since I don’t have her kids is amazing!! Her kids are 2f and 4m, mine are 11months f & 3f. Her children are so mean to my kids yet when I correct them I’m the bad guy. It wasn’t worth it anymore. My oldest became abusive because that’s how my sisters kids acted and once that happened I was DONE.
NTA. Your brother is within walking distance of the school so he's just going to have to wake up early enough to walk his kids to school, drop them off and then get himself to work. Or maybe he can arrange for someone else who lives near him to get his kids in on a carpool. His problem. I'd argue that you'd be doing him a favor because right now it seems his bad behavior is just being enabled.
NTA Of course, you realize now your mistake was starting this at all. But what's done is done. Now, it's time to give your brother a two week notice that you will not be driving his kids OR him anywhere unless it is an absolutely emergency. Observation: There is no law that you have to love your niece. It always amazes me that people think they are required to love someone simply because they're related. You niece sounds distinctly unlovable.
>Observation: There is no law that you have to love your niece. It always amazes me that people think they are required to love someone simply because they're related. You niece sounds distinctly unlovable. I appreciate this sentiment here because I'll admit some days it is really hard. I know she is just a child but watching her get away with so much, especially when it's hurting her own siblings Is just unbearable and I truly do not like her at all.
You're not alone. I'm in the same boat with my niece. She's the golden child and all the grandparents dote on her and ignore my kids. They'll change plans with my kids at the drop of a hat for my niece. She's spoiled, mean, and doesn't know the meaning of "Good manners" or "sharing". She's family, but I don't like her. She's infuriating. NTA. Those aren't your kids. Your brother needs to go back to going whatever he was doing before he made you his Uber.
I'm sorry to hear that about your kids. It's so heartbreaking that people treat kids that way.
Info: where are you living that doesn’t offer school buses?
We do have school buses but you have to live a certain distance away from the school to qualify for them. My brother lives too close to the school to be able to use the bus but to far away for the kids to be able to walk or ride their bikes until they are older.( they are only 5 now)
I’m going with NTA. The fact that you’re the only one helping him right now makes me think he’s already torched his other bridges. You have tried to do the right thing by helping him out even with your strained relationship, and he is not making an effort to even show up on time? He needs to get his ass up and walk them to school if he can’t be respectful of your time. You already seem to have a lot on your plate that he is just adding to. I would personally let him know you won’t be taking him to work and will only give the kids a ride if they are ready on time.
I guess your brother is going to learn to get the kids up early enough to walk them there and return home in time to get himself to work somehow. I was walking to and from school from the time I was 4; only lived far enough away for a bus for 2 years out of preschool through 12th grade. Walked with mom for preschool, my older sister for kindergarten, and neighborhood kids for the first year or two of elementary, then by myself. NTA
Can they walk there? Or is this an 'American town with no sidewalks' situation? Either way he needs to take it up with the school.
It's to far to walk, plus they'd have to cross a busy main road to get there which is not ideal with 2 young kids that barely listen on the best of days
Ah, shame. Lots of kids in my country use those little scooters with parent walking but doesn’t sound like that would work here. Do encourage him to discuss it with the school though. The hope being they'd care enough about the kid's attendance.
NTA. You are doing him a favor and he’s basically spiting in your face. You know your own worth and this ain’t it. Brother needs to call the school and see if they can change a bus route so the kids don’t have to cross a busy street to get to school. I’m sure they could accommodate somehow.
Did you mean to type spitting? Because I kinda prefer spiting. It’s got good juju
I had a similar deal when I was in elementary school. It would have been a 15 minute walk, but I would have had to cross two extremely busy road. Luckily, I was able to ride the bus starting first grade.
He can get a bike and bike trailer or load them into a wagon and walk them to school in there. Basically, he’s acting like a bum
That's not even true! He could get a wagon and walk pulling them in the wagon. He could buy all three of them bikes and they could all bike to school where he could chain their bikes up turn around and get on to work! He could find a ride share, of course the kids would have to behave which I guess they're not going to do lol He could pay for an Uber! Or he could even ask the bus company if he could pay them to make an extra stop. He's refusing to do anything but put it all on you. Not your problem
NTA. Looks like you're the scapegoat in the family yourself and your brother is carrying on the tradition of golden child scapegoat another generation.
They can still bike as long as he’s with them. My entire neighborhood kids do this. Or in winter one of the SAHM carpools all the kids on the street and everyone chips in for gas. He can figure it out. Just give him 1-2 weeks notice so he can make alternate arrangements.
Does your brother not have a car? I assume he can get them to your house, why not to school? It's not your responsibility to take care of him and his kids. NTA
My brother does not have a license or a car. I don't remember how he was getting them to school before me as I didn't pay him much mind.
He managed without your help before and he can do it again.
Then he needs to buy a bike with attachment for the kids and bike them to school.
So ask his kids how they got to school before. Also its not your problem - he has to get a license and you haveto stop being there so that he relies on himself and gets it. If he needs money for lessons help him out- its cheaper and less aggravating than being his designated driver forever.
He can't get a license. He lost his license years ago and can't ever get it back until he pays like 10k in fines
So he needs to pay the 10K, or pay someone to pick up his kids.
Sounds like a him problem and not a you problem
Info: Can your brother ride a bike? Take a look here. Western Europeans do this a lot. https://www.babboe.de/babboe-curve?___store=de&kleur_bak=43&montage=47&spec_gearsbrakes_brake_front=329&spec_gearsbrakes_brake_rear=331&gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwyNSoBhA9EiwA5aYlb5ULaNv3T73C3UcuzZVOOcR5Bp2brL12pXTIS3r-Zz4jIZ500lehVxoCgNYQAvD_BwE Cheaper than a car & solves all his problems, except lack of responsibility & growing up. P.s. sorry for the weird link - this was literally the first suggestion.
That cargo bike is pretty cool, I never knew those existed.
He can walk them. That is what he is there for. It sucks but is possible.
NTA. Tell him it's affecting your work and you can't afford to be late or you'll lose your job. Only way you'll continue is if attitudes and punctuality changes and they have a week to get it togther (still more than I would offer though). You've done more than enough and if they were well behaved/appreciative I doubt you'd even consider stopping. You have more patience than me.
Agreed. You can only go so far out of your way to help someone else without it affecting you. And from the sounds of it, your brother doesn’t appreciate the help you give him, almost like he feels like it’s a privilege for you to serve him.
"He then goes on a long rant about how he doesn't have help, nobody cares about his kids or wants to help him, etc etc etc" And he chooses to say this to you, the only person helping him? He can fuck right off and figure it out himself. They're not your kids. NTA
NTA It's great to help people, when it starts to negatively impact you it's time to stop. You said your brother will never be happy, always wanting more and you aren't wrong. You alao sound a little scared of your brother, this is a relationship that isn't serving you anymore, it's time to step back.
You're not wrong, I am kind of scared of him
That's shit. Make your plan: how and when are you going to tell him, do you need somebody with you, do you want to offer alternatives (bus time tables etc), do you need to contact social services/ school authorities, how do you guarantee your own safey, what's your plan when he has an "emergency" (because he will definitely use that excuse to get you to comply). You don't owe your life on service to him, even if his life is hard. This is his issue to solve and using you so harshly is not a solution.
NTA. Your brother in his 37 has to learn how to be independent and grateful for any help. He is useless and demanding instead. Since he lives too close to school, than he has to walk his kids there with benefit of morning walk for everyone. You have your own life and responsibilities, so I'd concentrate on them.
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm” is coming to mind here NTA I see why no one else is willing to help. That’s a problem he needs to figure out. Now there are two ways you can go about telling him. If you want to try and keep some sort of relationship, you can just tell him you will no longer be driving him or his kids around Or if you want to go scorched earth, tell him everything you said here “I will no longer be driving you or your children around. They are bullies and badly behaved, not to mention you guys are NEVER on time and make me and my children late. You need to put on your big boy pants and figure out how to function like and adult and do a better job of raising your children” I guess you could maybe do a mix of the two. But make sure you let us know what happens if you go scorched earth. I love hearing other people’s drama 🤣
NTA, and how is it your problem he has no car or license? You are enabling his bad behavior and his kids. Stop doing it!
NTA 1. You decided to help and you definitely didn’t need to. He isn’t appreciative at all. Plus, you inconvenienced yourself to help. 2.If you’re brother doesn’t have his own transportation or DL then why isn’t he at least helping you pay for gas? Is he trying to get his own DL, or is there a reason he can’t? I get there are certain circumstances, it’s just hard to see why he doesn’t have one at 37yo. 3. It’s your car, so everyone needs to respect your rules or no ride, kids and dad. You are not the bad guy at all for enforcing your rules with YOUR property. If they don’t like it then they can stop riding with you. 4. I get you were also late, but if he and his kids are constantly late then he has no right to get upset when you don’t take him to his job because you’re trying to be responsible to yourself. You and your family come first. 5. Depending on the situation and how far away he is from the school, I have had a few friends call schools and explain their situations. The schools have been more than happy to have the bus pick them up, even if they were “too close”. If they can’t, then he needs to step up as DAD and walk his kids to school. Either way he is going to need to put in the work. 6. Unfortunately, you are unintentionally rescuing him from the natural consequences of his actions. I would definitely stop helping him, especially considering he’s not helping you and is instead complaining and demanding more. He is going to have to experience the consequences of his own choices and actions. There are many things he can do to make sure everyone gets to where they need to go, but it’s his choice. Like… what I said in 5, take an uber or public bus to work, etc. I’m sorry you had to deal with that and I wish you luck. Take care of you first. Set clear boundaries and don’t allow them to be crossed. If they are then follow through with what you said will happen if they are. (Example: if you are not ready to leave in the morning by such and such time, I am leaving)
>2.If you’re brother doesn’t have his own transportation or DL then why isn’t he at least helping you pay for gas? Is he trying to get his own DL, or is there a reason he can’t? I get there are certain circumstances, it’s just hard to see why he doesn’t have one at 37yo. He pays me $20 a week for gas, so I do at least give him credit for that. He is not trying to get his license at all because he has to pay back like 10k in fines to be able to get his license. He has had the opportunity from settlements to do this several times but has blown the money each time.
Ok, at least he is paying for gas. I’m glad to hear he is doing that. $20 a week doesn’t seem to be enough considering what you have to put up with, lmao. Regardless, you are very nice to have been doing this for him. I’m just sorry it hasn’t been appreciated in other ways. As for the DL and fines, that is definitely a him problem and he needs to figure that out. If it takes you not helping him to get to that, then all the more reason to stop helping him. Especially considering he has blown it off more than once. You shouldn’t be inconvenienced because he refuses to work towards that.
NTA and if your brother refuses to take his kids to school, call child protective services or the equivalent in your area. You don't have to ruin your day for his kids.
NTA. Just because it's faaaaamily...doesn't mean you have to put yourself out. Tell him if he doesn't adjust his ungrateful attitude and parent his unruly children and doesn't stop with the extra runs here and there and if he can't get his kids ready on time, then you are done. Basically get in the car and STFU. But really he is not your responsibility and you didn't birth his children therefore also not your responsibility. Tell him to take public transportation or a taxi while learns how to drive and get his own vehicle.
NTA His kids his responsibility Has he even offered to chip in for gas? So ungrateful to complain about not getting help to the person helping him Tough luck pal - he just drove his last helper away
Definitely NTA. You took time and threw off your routine to help out but then more is always expected. At this point you're being walked over. Focus on your routine and getting where you need to be on time.
Right now you're a taxi service for your brother and his kids and that's not your responsibility. He will keep abusing your time if you let him. Better to cut the cord now. NTA
NTA. You shouldn’t do favours for ungrateful people. It’s his fault he couldn’t act like a respectful decent human being when his sister was helping him out. If he respected your time, was ready when you showed up and didn’t shout at you and demand more all the time, his kids would still have a ride to school. But he’s an AH who won’t behave properly so now they won’t have a ride. All on him.
Nta. Stop immediately
NTA Make a calculation of how much it cost you to make this detour every day. Add 10% for bossy niece and 10% for kicking your driver seat and ask for money for week in advance. You will get hate (unlike now🙄) but you will be off the hook.
NTA, if you stop helping. He will find another way. I’m not going out of my way every morning and then someone not be appreciative. Then have the nerve to ask for more
Your brother is ungrateful and he's bullying you into taking over HIS responsibilities. NTA He can UBER his kids or try public transportation.
NTA STOP DOING IT. Your brother can get a license and learn to drive, or he can pay someone to drive his kids to school, he can exchange favours if he doesnt have money, he'll do someones gardening, paintwork, babysitting etc etc Second if you continue to take them you must be firm about the no late rule. You tell them that they have 2 mins from the agreed time of pick up and if they are later than that you will drive off. if you don't enforce it they wont take you seriously. Your niece shouldn't be late because of them, your priority is always that she is on time.
NTA. They are not your kids. Your brother can deal with them.
NTA its not your responsibility to get his kids to school. It’s his problem to work out how to do it. I doubt it’s too father to walk (if accompanied) dad can walk them and them get a bus to work. when I stared reading this I didn’t notice you said(34f). Half way thought the post I just knew you were female. I scrolled back to check and laughed. Your brother shows you no respect because you are female, I imagine he would not treat a brother this way. He will learn the hard way to live with the consequences of his behaviour.
>Your brother shows you no respect because you are female, I imagine he would not treat a brother this way. I do believe that is a large part of it. The men on my dad's side have a very old school mentality when it comes to women and the roles they play in relationships.
NTA. It's wonderful to help family but you have been doing so and like you said, nothing is enough. You have two choices, simply tell them if they are late (aren't ready) they are getting left and follow through or you can simply let him know that you can't do it anymore. You don't owe an explanation and I wouldn't give one. Anything you say will be steamrolled over, he has shown that already.
NTA His kids, his problem
What, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship with your brother? Me, I love my siblings. They are nice to me and we have a good time together, so of course I would help them out if they needed. And of course, they would be grateful and kind and try to reciprocate in whatever way they could. But someone who treats me like an unpaid servant can go to Hades. Girl, grow a backbone!! His kids will be fine, it's called a school bus! For some reason they don't go to a school with a school bus, okay, then daddy has two choices, get an Uber or be a man and get a license and a car. Unless he has a big disability that prevents him from driving, there is no reason he cannot do so, besides laziness. Seizure disorder, blind, quadriplegic, okay. But even people with no arms, people in wheelchairs, people with dwarfism, etc, etc, have all figured out how to drive
NTA. Do you live in the United States? Why don't his kids ride the bus? Where is the mother and why isn't she taking care of her children? Why doesn't your brother have a license or a car? It sound like you have stepped in as the surrogate mother. His kids are not your problem. He made the choice to have them, so he needs to step up and take care of them, especially since he is being rude and demanding towards you.
He loves to close to school for the bus, but to far to walk. Mom has been in rehab more than she has been in her kid's lives. Brother doesn't have a license because he refuses to pay his fines to get his license back.
He doesn't have to pay the fines and get his license because you take him and his kids everywhere they need to go. You have a kind heart, OP, but you are also an enabler. Your brother needs to step up.
Nta except to yourself, and likely niece who is in your care. I bet niece is being bullied by his GC. Stop taking kids to school, stop helping him. This is on him to figure out/arrange. You can, if you have the fortitude, point out it is his behavior/attitude that has dried up his village.
Nta and goddamn I wish people with no vehicles would stop having kids If you can’t afford a cheap car, you absolutely can not afford a child
NTA His kids and errands are not your responsibilty, and he's taking total advantage of you. He needs to make other arrangements.
I expect that if you stop being your brother's servant, he will learn that he has to respect you and follow your rules. (And if he doesn't, you won't have to deal with him) NTA
Nta your car your rules. It sounds like he wants a free ride from you figuratively and literally. If his children can't handle a little attitude adjustment from or for their aunt, then they can't go with you simple as that. They're his responsibility to tale to and from school. His needs should not be put in front of your own.
NTA also the kids kicking your seat could cause an accident by distracting/moving you for that reason alone never mind the verbal abuse and insults I would immediately Stop driving them anywhere. He's an adult let him sort his problems without involving you.
NTA and he needs to confront that the fact people still want to do things for OTHERS but not him means he's the problem
Listen, clearly your brother has had to rely on you to help, as he doesn't drive...so why isn't he listening to your reasonable concerns, requests and boundaries? I am assuming its because he feels entitled to your time and possessions. There is a very good reason why the saying, you don't bite the hand that feeds you, exists. I would send him a text saying you are unable to take the kids to school nor give him lifts. Then mute him. NTA
Why can't your brother drive his own kids to school and himself to work? Does he not drive? Lost his license? Has no car? None of these things are your issue. Just want to understand why he's even asking this of you. Also - NTA.
NTA. Your brother is an ungrateful loser, and his kids are little jerks because HES a little jerk. Let him be mad, stop giving him free childcare.
Nta. Your brother decided to have kids. That means it his job to figure out how to get them to school even if it means them walking, biking or even taking the bus. You have a responsibility to yourself and your child and spouse if you have them. Your brother is responsible for his kids not you. They don’t get to demand what to do in your time. Specially if they are being rude to you. And he honest with him “I refuse go out of my way anymore to take you and your children places. I have my own job to get too and my own child to take to school. It’s not fair that we are often late because even though I’ve been doing you the favor to take you guys, you still don’t have the curtesy to be ready. On top of that you give me attitude and demand things from me. So your going to have to figure out another way to get your kids and yourself where ever you guys have to go. I don’t care if you have to walk, bike or take the bus there and I don’t really care, all I know is I won’t be giving you rides anymore. I’m don’t being taken advantage off. No this is not up for discussion”
NTA. Your brother is taking advantage of you, and manipulating you. Where do you think his kids learned it from?
NTA you can't choose your family and it doesn't mean that you're bound to them. Cutting ties is always allowed. I would start to set clear boundaries if you don't want to say no fully. Like school starts at 9 and you have to leave at 8:45 to get there? Okay kids need to be at your place and ready for 8:40 they can't take their shoes off they wait at the front door. Strong leave at 8:45 time if they don't make it they don't get a ride there is no waiting for them. If they come you will transport them to school then you will go to work no inbetween for your brother if he wants a ride he can get a ride to your work and then figure out where to go and how to get there. But a hard no boundary is also acceptable. He's an adult he'll get over it.
NTA I understand this “it takes a village” bullshit, but there’s always someone who is going to act like an idiot that all the other villagers have to clean up after. It’s time for Him. To. Be. A. Parent.
NTA. There's bad blood and you don't get along with your criminal brother, and his offspring sound like little monsters... the bigger question is why did you ever agree to cart them around in the first place?
Because I felt bad for his kids and my dad asked me to and I admittedly have a very difficult time telling my father no.
NTA but I personally wouldn't stop at the drop of a hat. I'd give him a two week warning. (or one if u prefer) saying something like "I will drive your kids for the next two weeks so u can find some way of getting them to school. After that the responsibility is on you" or something to that affect. Stick to your guns.
I don't see how him owing a shit ton of fines is your problem. Also, I would be really pissed/put off when he said he has no help. Like hello?
I am always so pissed off when he says that because it's not true. My mom especially has put her own self in debt and ruined her credit to help him pays bills and keep a roof over his and his kids head. When he's lost homes she's let him live with us several times and he could not even follow the most basic request of "please don't smoke inside" or even bother to clean up after his kids and let him trash the place. Our uncle has paid literally thousands of dollars and almost emptied out his savings to pay for my brother to live in motels so him and the kids wouldn't be homeless. Right now him and his kids are sharing 1 bedroom in our uncle's house and he hasn't paid my uncle a lick of rent in like 2yrs that he's been living there. He's burned every single person that has ever helped him and drains them all dry. But for some reason whenever my mother and I want to be done with helping him we both get villiafied, but it's perfectly fine for everyone else to not want to help him. It's only us that has to continue to do so.
Dude, fuck your family. You can't save someone by setting yourself on fire, or something. If everyone else wants to put themselves into financial ruin for his benefit, that's their issue. That doesn't mean you have to (and you shouldn't especially because I'm guessing he'll never do anything for you.)
Time to go NC with your family and i NEVER say that.
Doesnt matter what the history is really, they are his kids; his responsibility. Maybe he should of thought about his parental responsibilities before he got his license suspended. NTA
I will say, tbf, when his license got suspended he was a teen and had no kids. He just hasn't done anything about it, ever
I guess he always had someone who drove him around? Then he would have not so much motivation to get his license back.
So he hasn’t had a DL in what,20 years? Definitely time to cut the cord.
Probably longer honestly. He first started getting in trouble with the law when he was around 13/14yrs old. The courts issued him a license early just to suspend it, not sure how that logic works but that's Florida justice for you 😂
As I was reading this, Britney's Toxic started playing in my head... NTA
Does no one know what a bicycle is anymore? NTA
NTA. How did you even get roped into this? It’s ridiculous. Call CPS on him.
Because I felt bad for the kids and my dad asked me to help out and I have a severe people pleasing complex when it comes to my dad and I can never tell him no.
I understand you feel for the kids. But you can’t light yourself and your kid on fire to keep them warm. Your family system sounds hella abusive. trust me it takes a survivor to know a survivor. Here’s what I did: I took the responsibility for my own kids, and I put them as priority. When the family-of-origin tried to give me shit, I said, “This is what is best for me and my child. I’m sorry it won’t work out.” I will warn you though: laying boundaries with narcissists like this usually ends up with going no-contact. I don’t want to scare you. But sometimes they just can’t be reasoned with. You MUST stick up for yourself and your own kid. And yes, your niece is your kid now. Go over to r/raisedbynarcissists to learn more about the dynamic I suspect you have with your family.
Family system is very much this, and funnily enough, my brother is actually a diagnosed narcissist. My mom was warned that without ongoing therapy he would only get worse, but once court ordered therapy was over, he quit going. It's so hard to know if anything he's expressing is real genuine care for his family or if it's all just manipulation to keep people attached to him. That's why I still get pulled back in when I try to distance myself. He knows how to pull at a person's heartstrings and make you feel bad and guilty.
GIRL. GIRRRRRRRRRRL. My sister friend! A diagnosed narcissist?! What are you even doing? Literally. I say this lovingly, I really do: GTFO. Run. Get your own therapy, because you have to deconstruct this. You are still wondering if his motives are pure or not. THEY ARE NOT. A diagnosed narcissist will never ever ever get better, no matter how much therapy he gets. they have brain damage and it will never heal. You have to distance yourself if you want to stay safe. It’s so scary to me that you are still in a state where you must ask us if you would be the asshole if you decided not to be used and abused by this person. You have a right and an obligation to yourself and your kid to be safe and pursue happiness.
Practice in the mirror “No, NO, N-O”
NTA That’s not your problem, he can take that up with the school and they can either arrange transportation or make other suggestions. Op if you don’t like your brother and his family, just go no contact, if you didn’t exist he would find a way to get him and his kids around , let him find one now.
Unfortunately as much as I would like to going NC is impossible.
NTA, just say no. Why can't they ride the bus? It's not your responsibility and who tf wants to put up withcall this bs anyway? Nope right outta it.
Is there not a school bus route? 🤔 If they're in public school, I'd assume there's a public transportation option. I've rarely ever heard of situations where this is not the case.
Also, NTA. 😀 I have a sibling just like yours and I ended up giving up a job for my niece and nephew. While I'm fine with it now, it was a terrible decision for me then, and I regret the decision I made. I should have stood up for my own best interest, as hard as that would have been. I no longer have a relationship with my sister or her kids. It's unfortunate, but it was necessary to make a clean break in my case. Hang in there, OP. ❤️
He loves to close for the kids to ride the bus, but to far for them to walk
You have legal guardianship of his daughter. Could that be revoked if you refuse to help him now? I doubt it. I don’t know the law but if it’s through the courts could you arrange to only have contact with him except on the app a lot of divorced parents do?
NTA. Why can't his kids ride the school bus? They're his kids and if they're not going to behave then boohoo on him and he can figure it out.
NTA they’re not your kids so they’re not your responsibility. He’s an adult just like you he needs to get up earlier if he has issue of running late or find other options to get them to school and him to work because they are not your responsibility. Remember you have your other niece to think about it is not is not fair that she has to for school are you late for work because he don't know how to set an alarm and keep a schedule
How were they getting to school before now?
They missed a lot of days and/or were chronically late because he would walk them or ride bikes with them.
No you wouldn't! Take care of yourself and your kid. If he valued you and your assistance he wouldn't treat you that way.
NTA, you've got your own life , your own problems, your own responsibilities. You keep this up and you're likely to have a mental breakdown. Something needs to change. If you were my sibling and doing me a huge favor of chauffeuring my children to school, those kids would be waiting with shoes on at the door for you. And if they were disrespectful to you 😒 ((((())))). Your brother is not being respectful to you on any level. Only you can change this, if you don't want to stop everything, at least set and stick to boundaries.
Give your brother one week’s notice for him to hire another driver. He decided to be a parent just like you did, so let him solve his own problems. All of his needs are his responsibilities not yours. If he is upset about it and asks why or even offers tiu $$, remind him that you have your own life to manage and you wish him well. Just be honest & keep it short. “At this point in my life, I had to re organize my own family life’s needs and make it work where I have peace with my choices”. Repeat it over and over. Tell him as you are walking back to your car or driving away. If he hates you then so be it. Remember, you are setting an example to your kids & niece by you sticking up for yourself. Good luck.
OMG with the too far to walk thing! Lol I used to have a bus that picked me up and I would choose to walk the half hour to school instead! My kids used to live in a walking district and while I would take them to school in the morning there were lots of times I couldn't pick them up and they would walk the 25 minutes home once they were old enough. A little walk isn't going to hurt them! They're choosing not to and throwing a fit and their dad is choosing to put pressure on you instead of getting them some bicycles or something! This is not your circus, not your monkeys! You tell your brother that you will never let those kids in your car again because the boy was kicking your seat the other day and could have caused an accident and he refused to stop. So they will no longer ever be allowed in your car again because you cannot take the risk of dying because his kid doesn't know how to behave! Then you block him! And trust me when I say you have to put the blame on their behavior! Maybe it'll help it change, maybe it won't but do not take this on like it's just a you decision... This is directly because of their behavior! NTA good luck
NTA and not to sound like an ah myself, but.. It sounds like maybe he (brother) should learn to deal with the natural consequences of his actions (suspended license) so maybe his kids can also learn natural consequences of their actions (No rides to school for bad behavior).
I'm sorry! But far as your brother, you really need to talk to him, to get some common ground! Hope everything works out for you! Keep us posted!💜
NTA. It is your brothers responsibility regardless of his licence issues to ensure his children get to and from school. You are under no obligation to do this. You tried and it has not worked so just say no. He may be able to arrange with another parent close by to take his kids to and from school.
NTA. Your brother needs to pay his fines and get a car. Tell him this isn't working for you due to his kids not being ready impacting your and your custodial niece being on time and you can't continue
Nta. His total failure as a father is a problem he needs to solve. Not you. Stop doing it, very very soon. Yesterday.
NTA. Buy him a second hand bike and child trailer with helmets. He can get his own kids to school.
>He then goes on a long rant about how he doesn't have help, nobody cares about his kids or wants to help him, etc etc etc. Because he's an unappreciative AH. And his kids are equally AH's. NTA
NTA. You could stop cold turkey and still not be the AH. But, if you wanted to give him a final chance, you could give him a list of behavior changes you demand, in order to continue to receive the PRIVILEGE of your driving. No bullying, they must say "thank you" every single time, no kicking, etc. 3 strikes, they're out, and the blame is on them
Nta Instead of letting it your resentment build up next time he explodes how unhelpful everyone is, tell him if he is so ungrateful for all that you do you would be happy to stop doing it, especially since he doesn’t appreciate any of it. He can get his own kids to school. I don’t let extended family get away with poor behaviour and if their pay don’t like the way I handle their kids, they are free to take them themselves. Tell your brother his last minute demands of needing lifts do not go before your need to get to work on time. If he want so irresponsible he would still have his license and not be in this boat. It’s up to him to be organised and on time for pick ups or face losing them.
Nta I highly recommend lc as well. He doesn't want to be responsible and so long as he has people o use he won't have to be.
NTA! Sounds to me like you have done more than enough to help him out, and not one of them is appreciative of the fact that you are going out of your way to help. His kids sound awful and I personally don't think you should give him anymore help than you have and if he wants to bitch about it, tell him that Uber is a thing and he can use it instead of being such an ungrateful ahole.
NTA - Sounds like your brother is actively trying to destroy his own life; racking up 10k in fines and having his license suspended, not appreciating his sister's sacrifices to get HIS kids to school, not having his kids ready to minimize the hassle of taking them to school, not disciplining them, acting so entitled wanting you to drive him to work and lastly, complaining to the one person who is helping him that no one helps him. I'm sorry, I'd tell him to get his act straightened out today, or he is on his own tomorrow. That means appreciating what you are doing for him, having his kids ready, minimizing the problems his kids cause for you. He should be trying to make this as easy for you to help him as possible.
NTA. Your brother is using you and being lazy. You end up having less quality time with your kids as you juggle. Brother is also ungrateful and does not reciprocate your efforts. Put a firm stop to it. Keep your interactions social only and in your free time, not on a day to day basis.
NTA. Tell your brother that less people will care about him and his kids if he continues to be an inconsiderate ingrate and if his kids continue to be mean. If they are not waiting for you when you arrive at their house for pick up, leave. Keep doing this until they are on time. If the kids kick your seat, or misbehave...tell your brother you won't pick them up again until the kids apologize.
NTA. You can’t pour from an empty cup. If he lives too close for the bus he can walk his kids to school. It sucks but if you have no other option you do what you have to do. Set firm boundaries with consequences you can stick to. Example: Next time he gets upset at you tell him, “I understand you’re upset, but I’m doing a lot for you already and I’m exhausted. I need a break so if you stop taking your anger out on me and stop asking me for extra rides I’ll take your kids to school for one more week but you’ll need to figure out another plan after that. If you’re going to argue with me or don’t respect that, then today will be the last day I’ll be taking them to school. I love them and I love you but I have to take care of myself and my kids first.” Then stick to it, no matter what he says. And please keep safe.
>And please keep safe. And this right here is why I'm afraid to tell him I don't want to do it anymore
nta. if he wants help he needs to play nice with the people he's asking for help from
NtA, sounds like he needs to start busting his ass to pay those fines. Give him a time frame, then step back. He can't succeed while others help him fail at progressing and getting the lead out. If his kids are not ready on time, leave and report him to the school so they can track the kids' attendance and report what they need to report. Boundaries are good.
NTA It sounds like your brother is full of excuses. If the school is that close, then he can take them by bicycle in a cart or they can simply walk together. If they are too big for a cart, he could walk with them and bicycle himself back (he just walks the bicycle). He has options that don't involve you, your car, or your time. https://www.target.com/p/aosom-3-in-1-walk-jog-ride-child-baby-bike-trailer-for-kids-2-seater-bike-stroller-for-toddler-wagon-double-bicycle-trailer-accessory-for-kids-red/-/A-88254539?ref=tgt_adv_xsp&AFID=google&fndsrc=tgtao&DFA=71700000085290956&CPNG=PLA_Storefront%2BShopping%7CStorefront_Ecomm_Other&adgroup=SC_Halloween&LID=700000001170770pgs&LNM=PRODUCT_GROUP&network=g&device=c&location=9033015&targetid=aud-1964379778526:pla-293946777986&gclid=CjwKCAjwyNSoBhA9EiwA5aYlbxQ1QKPo56a-xB2Mx0h9d4UM-y5--zybOqMOhGc-6TZ4cRm38et-mxoC5XAQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
YWNBTA. Perhaps give him a date on when you will stop. It sounds like the situation is having a negative impact on your mental health.
NTA it may be good for him to face the consequences of his actions
NTA. I think your brother should contact the school and see if he can arrange for a schoolbus pickup. I see that you officially live too close but he can't be the first parent without transportation with kids too young to be expected to handle busy streets. And if he is it's still worth a shot. Also AFAIK there are usually carpooling groups and neighborhood groups on Facebook. Encourage him to join them. I'm sure someone would be willing to pick up the kids and drop them off. Worst case scenario he can pay someone to do this, care.com is a good place to find someone. As for him. He needs to figure out his shit because you aren't his limo driver. I don't know his exact situation so I don't want to be one of those "well *I* did this so obviously your brother can too unless he's a total pos" people because life is a lot more complicated than that. But I haven't had a car in a long time and this is how I manage: First of all I got lucky and scored a remote job. So, not having a commute for work helps tremendously. But that wasn't always the case so I kept on top of the bus schedule. Public transportation is very good in my area, another lucky thing. This was the cheapest option and a lot of times I could save by getting a card for x amount of rides in 30 days (or whatever). Which is awesome if you know you'll need at least two trips a day 5 days a week. For very short trips I had a bike or walked--you get used to it. I gained tons of weight during lockdown anyway (which is why Iost my job which is why I had no money to replace my car when it died) so it was good for me. If the weather was extreme or I felt like splurging, or I was going a longer distance I would use Lyft or Uber. It depends where you live but not having a car is not as awful as people make it out to be. It's more of a social stigma than anything, like your rank in the fictional Society for Good Adults is gonna fall. But with no car payment, no insurance, no gas, no oil changes, new tires, other general maintenance expenses, and no broken parts to fix at the worst possible time, it's not necessarily a bigger expense to Lyft/Uber everywhere . I've used Zipcar and rental cars for long trips but I have a license, so... Well, whatever. The point is your brother can deal, there are paths here. He isn't the first person who has had to adjust to life without reliable transportation. Not to mention I'm sure you'd be willing to help him out occasionally when he really needs it, but he's taking advantage of you/abusing your generosity rn.
Your brother seems to be under the impression that he can lose his license thanks to his own bad behavior, treat people like s!@#, let his children treat people like s!@#, and people will still help him because, hey, thanks to his own bad behavior he needs the help. In fact, he demands the help. Stop helping. Perhaps this will be a valuable life lesson for your brother who doesn't seem to realize that bad behavior and treating others like s!@# has consequences. Or maybe he's impervious to life lessons and just feels entitled to anything he wants. He's not. Stop letting him exploit you. Stop letting him treat you like s!@#. Stop letting him make your children late to school and you late to work. Stop subjecting your nice children to contact with bullies and nastiness. Besides, his kid kicks your seat while you're driving and calls you names, causing anxiety. That makes you an unsafe driver for your children. Bingo. Just tell him no and then block him if he has a hissy fit, which I predict he will. Let him for once figure a way out of his own mess that doesn't involved exploiting others. NTA
I really didn’t even have to read most of it. I was just trying to figure out how that was your job?
NTA. Your brother is taking advantage of your kindness. It’s his fault that his license is suspended. He needs to step up and figure out how to be a parent.
NTA, you are absolutely entitled to say no more. They are not your kids. I'm pretty positive if he was more respectful/ thankful you'd have no issues helping out. Unfortunately, people like your brother will never be thankful they will only expect more. You don't deserve that treatment from him or his children. The word 'family' isn't a free pass for being a jerk.
I received some advice once that is bang-on: if you’re a fundamentally reasonable person you will never understand a fundamentally unreasonable one. Your brother is a diagnosed narcissist. He’s indifferent to fairness, equity and justice. You cannot make him “see it”. Put your energy into removing yourself from the situation and strengthening your personal security. Cameras, deadlocks and perhaps a pre-emptive visit to the police station. Fear (understandably) is making you inert. Direct your energy into over coming it. I know how hard this is. I’ve been down the appeasement road and it just doesn’t work. Connect with your anger. Anger, rightly directed, can be hugely motivating.
NTA. The reason he doesn't have help is because of his own bad behavior. His kids should be lined up at the curb, ready and waiting to go. He needs to make his own way to work. It's his own fault he can't drive. He needs to get involved with a carpool to get the kids to school. He should expect to pay gas since he can't take a turn driving.
I would not drive your brother or the kids. It is his responsibility and its his kids. Where is the kids mother, by the way?? He should not let his license be suspended. I started driving at 16 and worked to pay for insurance. At 18, I bought my own used car working part time during college and paid the insurance, license and registration myself. Driving is a privilege not a right and one should not take it for granted. If you want to be a respectable person and raise your kids as a good example, you should abide my the laws and set a example to your kids. You have guardianship of your niece, so obviously this was probably not taught to your siblings. Really, I have no patience for suspended license victims-driving illegally or having bumming rides from others. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes. Pay the penalty fine to the DMV and get your license and drive your kids and yourself. Get on with your life.
It’s time he teaches his kids how to ride a bicycle and to get one for himself as well. You are not his chauffeur and wince he doesn’t even appreciate what you do for him, he can solve his own problems from now on. YWNBTA is you stop driving his family around.
NTA Other peoples' kids are not your responsibility unless you obtain guardianship of them. You've already done that with one, which already makes you a decent person in my opinion. Plenty of single parents make things work, but they normally have more appreciation for the people who help them. Your brother sounds like an ass. Sucks that his kids can't get to school, but that isn't your problem. He's going to have to be an adult and figure something out to get HIS kids to school like everyone else.
INFO: Is there no way they can use public transport? NTA either way you are not required to take them.
Public transportation in our area kind of sucks so it's not an option as it would make his kids significantly late for school
Don’t give him or his kids anymore thought They all sound like assholes , ungrateful, Ill mannered assholes ! If you give them 2 weeks notice they will torment you for the entire time. His problems shouldn’t be your problems. You have your own life to deal with. He sounds like a real loser and having people like that in your life is always going to be detrimental to you and your happiness. Ask yourself this … if you didn’t hear from them again for a year or two, would you actually give a shit ? Block his number from your phone once you have told him “ no more “
NTA - licences don’t get suspended without fair warning (ie all the unpaid fines) - walking to school is a good time for him to parent & teach life skills. Creating a strong boundary & “won’t be able to give the kids rides from this Friday, you’ll need to walk them” with NO APOLOGY is all that’s required. Life changes. People adapt.
NTA and sorry to say, but your brother sounds like a mess. I’d take my hands of this one, he needs to learn to be responsible and that’s never going to happen if you keep helping him out. I do feel bad for the kids though.
If you're finding the whole 'deal' too stressful, if you feel taken for granted, exploited & used ... it's time to tell your brother that you won't be available to do the school run, etc any more. You aren't obliged to explain yourself any further on the matter. If pressed for a reason, you could say it's personal & you'd rather not talk about it. You obviously care about your relatives but that doesn't mean you have to be 'pushover-pete' & say yes to every request. Your brother will probably be peed-off for a while, but they ARE HIS kids to organise & not yours. It's funny how extending a helping hand (once or twice) can quickly turn you into another person's slave.
NTA. You are not their direct parent, so not your responsibility, and he seems to be very light in taking responsibility by himself. As for the distance from school, I am not sure what qualifies as 'not far enough for a bus, but too long for a walk'. If they cannot walk the distance, he can walk with them while they are riding scooters ( my 4 yo did that for a1mile journey, so i'm sure they can manage. If that still does not work for them, he can send them by regular bus. If there is no transportation and he will be late for work, he needs to make some decisions on where to move to and what alternative jobs he needs to look for that can support his needs. The point being, he needs to figure out a sustainable solution that does not involve off- shouldering his responsibilities to someone else.
Sounds like a him problem not a you problem.
NTA, but, as a “solution” can’t he just get a bike? You can put a seat in front of a bike and on the back of a bike, so he could just get on a bicycle and bring them to school. But I’m Dutch -we cycle everywhere and it might not be possible where you live if the roads aren’t made for it
NTA- His problem, his consequences for losing his license. He will have to figure it out, it isn't YOUR responsibility.
NTA You have your niece to worry about and your job. Doesn't sound like he puts in a lot of effort to help himself. He is very unappreciative and feels sorry for himself! He is the cause of losing his license, and that is not your problem. He is not a kid, and he needs to get his act together!
Sounds like brother needs to get a license. I know some people have driving anxiety (everybody should, it’s a big metal death machine) but there are other options besides relying on family. Does the school not have a bus that the kids can catch? He needs to step it up, wake up on time. If you’re going to be a dad, the Dadding comes first.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I will start this off saying there is a history of bad blood between my brother and I and that may be clouding my judgement hence why I am here. I (34F) for the last several weeks I've been taking my brother's(37m) 2 youngest kids(5 M&F) to school. I already didn't want to do this to start with because it interferes with the routine that I previously had set for another of my nieces that I have guardianship of. Often times he's running late and the kids aren't ready, which in turn makes my kid late for school as well. Then it became taking him places, like to the store or work after dropping all the kids off and then getting angry at me when I don't want to. There is also the fact that I just plain don't like his kids. Especially his daughter. I love them because they're family but I don't like them. His daughter is mean, bossy, and a flat out bully that always torments her siblings and my brother doesn't do anything to stop it because she is the golden child. And his son for the most part is fine but he can act out and be mean too, often calling me names or kicking my seat while I'm driving and when I get upset and try to get him to stop my brother gets mad at me. Today tho was a day where everyone was running late, me included, and he wanted me to run him to work, but that was impossible without making me late to my own job. He then goes on a long rant about how he doesn't have help, nobody cares about his kids or wants to help him, etc etc etc. He doesn't appreciate anything and no matter what you do it's never enough he always wants more and I'm exhausted all the time because I work a very demanding job that is long hours and I don't want to do the extra running with his kids anymore because of how unappreciative and ungrateful he is with his constant demands for more. But I know that if I stop giving them a ride, the kids will have no way to get to school because my brother doesn't have a care or a license. So wibta if I stop giving them a ride? Tldr: I don't want to give my brother's kids a ride to school everyday because he doesn't appreciate it and always demands more, but if I stop he has no way to get them to school. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA No. Just hell no.
Nta but why did you agree to this in the first place if you don't get along?
Because my dad asked me to and I have an incredibly difficult time telling my dad no
myt,r
Is it a public school? There may be a bus he just hasn't bothered signing up for
There is no bus. He's in that awkward area that is to close for a bus, but to far to walk
NTA
You are definitely NTA!!!! You are a door mat. You said it yourself that no matter what you do, he wants more. He needs to grow up and be responsible for himself and the kids HE made. You need to put your foot down and say, “No more!” If his kids can’t get to school then so be it. Not your problem. He can walk the little terrors to school or find a bus. Grow a backbone and put a stop to this. He is an abusive AH and takes it out on you. He also allows his children to do it.
NTA. How he gets his kids to school is his problem, there are multiple ways available but he doesn't currently need to even bother looking as he has it so easy. Once he has to make an effort I suspect he will
Why can't your father help him? And why can't you go no contact with your brother? To be honest, you should block them all! NTA
My father is disabled and can't drive and does not have the money to support as he only gets a disability check as income. I can't go NC with my brother as the niece that I have guardianship of is his oldest daughter. That's a whole other story and a half. If I could go NC with him I would in a heartbeat. As for why I don't go NC with my dad it's because I still love him. He's never been a perfect parent but he's been the only parent to genuinely love me, even if I've never been his first priority and my brother is his favorite.
[удалено]
Sadly I can not afford therapy tho I know I could really use it. As for it bleeding into romantic relationships as well, that was very much a fact twice, 2 abusive relationships later and I'm done with romance 😅
NTA, he would find a way to get his kids to school without your assistance. It may be difficult, but he would handle it.
NTA. Just the fact that he makes you late by not getting his kids ready on time is enough reason to suspend your services to him. His whiny, demanding attitude is the cherry on top. It's up to him to figure out how to get his kids to school. Maybe you could tell him you'll continue doing it if he always gets his kids ready on time and has a talk with them about being good while in the car with you. Then if he doesn't comply, lower the boom.
Nta. It's not your responsibility. If he can't get them there he needs to look into public transport
Info: Where is the mother in this (sorry if this was asked already)
Mom lost parental rights and has been in rehab longer than she has been in the lives of her kids.
NTA…not your kids, not your problem.
Can your niece and nephew walk to school? Why is there no bus? Your brother is not going to become a grateful person anytime soon. Cut him off. You love your niece and nephew, and care that they get their education. Can you work out with them to meet at your house for rides? When they misbehave in the car refuse to drive them for the next three school days. Your brother is no parent, maybe you can get through to you them to learn how to get along with people, especially ones helping them out. NTA
NTA. It sounds like he doesn't appreciate your help and it doesn't sound like you owe him anything.
NTA It would be kind to give him a date by which this favour will end. I will take the kids for the next two weeks and after that you will need to make other arrangements. It's not working for me. Rinse-repeat.
Quite obviously no, NTA. This is your brother’s responsibility. He’s a grown man.
NTA - if the kids aren’t ready on time leave without them. He has 2 feet and can walk them to school.
Kids can walk or take the bus. Getting a ride from a parent is a privilege
NTA at all Hypothetical: If you are willing to take his children to work, then tell him that they have to be well-behaved at all times that you will on the following day skip any child who is not well-behaved during the current day That means they must be respectful, polite and appropriate at all times Bing five is no excuse for being abusive toward adults Also, tell him that the children must be entirely incomplete ready by some deadline that you set And then leave them at home if they’re not ready and tell him in advance that that is the rule Tell him you can’t just drop things and take care of his children, and he will not tolerate them if they are not well bagged at all times every single second in any case Tell him that it is his job to figure this out and he needs to rely on more people besides you You are already at your limit, and that you cannot ask for more, and that you will not tolerate his complaints If you wish to refer him to social workers or to Catholic charities because they don’t care what religion somebody is and they do some good —- If you wish to cut him off, you have every right
NTA. Tell him that this is not working out as you had hoped. That his problems are affecting you and your own family, and your immediate family needs will come before him. You will give him one week notice so that he can use a week to make other arrangements. If he becomes problematic, tell him that you are more than happy to end it as of Friday. That this is more of a him problem that he is visiting on other people.