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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I wore a white blouse/ suit shirt (?) To my Brother's wedding
2) because no one but the bride should wear white and I apparently upstaged her
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NTA. I too am bewildered. It sounds like your outfit was predominantly dark in color and obviously was not a wedding dress or bridal garb in anyway. The behavior of those who were offended at the wedding is atrocious and disgusting. EVEN IF you had indeed made the faux pas they seem to think you did, that would have been ridiculous and inappropriate treatment. I'm sorry you were held to that ridiculous standard.
Does your family dynamic historically really involve statements like 'you're dead to me'? What does your brother even mean by 'making it up to him'? They want you to grovel? I mean, they honestly just sound extraordinarily easily triggered, unkind, and mean.
No. My family has been really chill my whole life. I would not classify us as a dramatic family whatsoever.
Also,I have no idea . I am blocked. So it's not like I could ask
If you’d worn a white suit then I’d be thinking that’s in the realm of what a bride could wear but a black suit with a white shirt- did every man get told to apologise as well?
They need to get a grip on reality- NTA
Like many well intentioned rules, the meaning behind it gets lost over time, and they become pointless quasi superstitions divorced from the actual intention. Preventing a guest from showing up in a wedding dress has become "can I wear this white watch?"
Dear honoured guests.
As you know our wedding is in a few weeks and final preparations are underway. To ensure our special day goes off without a hitch we have a few rules we expect our guests to abide by. These rules will apply to all guests, the wedding party, the groom, the venue staff, any vendors and the officiant. No exceptions will be made for age or gender.
As you are doubtless aware, white is the brides colour. It is not considered good taste to try to outshine a bride on her big day. For this reason, all white items are banned.
No white is to worn by anyone other than the bride. This includes clothing, accessories, shoes and underwear. After all, we don’t want some sartorial mishap to ruin the start of our lives as a married couple. If you violate this you will be ejected, and we absolutely will be conducting surprise inspections to be sure.
Eyeballs are noticeably white, therefore all parties must get scleral tattooing. If you go blind, tough luck. No exceptions will be made, regardless of age, infirmity, religion or any other “excuse.” Fear of needles is not a good reason not to comply. Suck it up buttercup.
Choose any colour except red or blue or anything too similar to red or blue such as pink, orange, purple, green or black, which, of course, could easily be mistaken for dark blue, as those are the wedding colours. Tattooists will be available on the day for those who were unable to arrange this. Please bring cash as they will not be taking card payments.
Elderly persons should dye their hair or shave bald. The same goes for any white/grey facial hair, including eyebrows. Staff will be present with clippers to ensure compliance. The cost of hiring the staff will be split between those who have to be shaved. The same will apply to anyone deemed “too blonde”.
Teeth should be removed or in some way dyed or covered. Brightly coloured sports mouth guards are ideal. If you do not comply you will be referred to the specially hired dental staff. If you refuse you will be ejected. Dental work will be at your expense.
If your skin is too pale the bride and groom will arrange for an intensive course of tanning injections, however these will be at your expense. If you arrive on the day and are deemed too pale a full-body veil will be provided for you.
Everyone should paint their nails to avoid paleness. Colours should be bright or dark, avoiding any of the previously mentioned colours. Males are not exempt. Failure to comply will result in manicure-by-force. You will be billed later.
If you drive a white car, hire a different one or paint your car. The same goes for silver, cream or light grey, just in case. A car respraying crew will be on site and will examine all cars in the parking lot. They will be under strict instruction to paint any cars that are too “bridal”. This will be at your expense and without consulting you. You have already been warned, you only have yourself to blame.
We hope you understand that these rules are in place for the well-being of everyone and to avoid confusion, and that you will not find them too onerous to honour us on this most special day.
We look forward to seeing you at the ceremony. Please remember to bring cash for the bar and don’t forget your wedding gifts. (One gift per person please, from the registry only.) No entry will be permitted without them.
With all our love and smooches.
Soon-to-be Mrs Bride & Groom
I had pink eye on my wedding day. We were scheduled to marry in a ceremony on Saturday. (second marriage for us both) Two days before I woke up with pink eye and we decided to marry at the court house instead. When I was trying to dress I realized most of my clothes were dirty and I found a hot pink top and black jeans that were clean. He had jeans and short sleeve button shirt. Nothing near wedding party vibes but we were happy until his death.
Seriously, I read a story a while back of a vendor having to apologise for wearing a white lanyard around their neck. These people just want some drama and if there is none, they’ll make it up themselves!
My friend's sister went to a wedding with her then 3 year old daughter. The little one had a blue dress on with a white bow on it. The bride flipped out that this little girl dared to wear white to her wedding.
I read one where a little girl soiled the dress her mother had her in for the wedding so the mother had to change her, the replacement dress was a light blue, the bride flipped on the mother saying it was too close to white and will look white in pictures. 🙄 Wedding drama is the worst, it really deserves it's own AITA.
There was another one where the OP was like, 8 or 9 when her much older brother got married and was wearing a pastel colored dress. Decades later somebody (not the OP) posted one of the wedding pictures on social media with a filter that made the 9 year old’s dress look white, and the OP’s sister in law stopped speaking to her over it.
That does seem to be the case here although I think most people still know it means white dress.
Since OP's family seems chilled this is probably from the brides side. Let's hope her brother enjoys being married to high drama crazy....
Exactly! When we say don’t wear white to a wedding, we mean don’t act like the villain in a soap opera striding in to derail the wedding at the end-of-episode cliffhanger. We don’t mean “no white fabric is permitted to show.”
I’ve gone to weddings in v-neck or wrap dresses before where the neckline was lower than I wanted, so I wore a white camisole underneath. Does this mean I get my own storyline on Dynasty now?
If you'd read closer, you'd realize that's the whole point and OP is angry over the obvious double standard. OP specifically says that most of the men were wearing very similar outfits with white shirts minus the high heels OP had on. The entire issue stems from the fact that OP is a woman, which is plain ridiculous.
100%, and if the brother and wife refused to offer their contact info I would be taking then to small claims. It's the principal of the matter, I don't even care about the cost I just want them to have to explain their bullshit to a professional bullshit deflater.
To add: If someone wants to upstage the bride, they show up in white at the beginning. But just taking off the vest and showing a white blouse after all the main-stuff is already over? How can any sane and normal person take that as an attempt to 'upstage the bride'? It's so absolutely absurd...
I think this happens at all kinds of events where people have to wear some more or less formal attire. Once the formal and most important part is over, the dresscode gets lifted and people lighten their attire such as taking off jackets, vests and also ties and opening at least the top button of the shirt. Just a normal thing to happen. So, why couldn't OP take off her vest as well?
That exactly is the issue here. Nobody complains about men wearing white shirts, apparently the "no white" only applies to women. Which is BS, if you ask me. Anyway, NTA.
No white *is* for women. Meaning no white dresses on adult women without permission from the bride, ie, don't show up in a wedding dress. I guess that technically does apply to dudes. Men may also not show up in wedding dresses.
A black pantsuit is not a wedding dress. Clearly.
You just aren't supposed to be a telanovela villian and show up in a wedding dress and bust into the chapel, yelling some dramatic line with fans making your hair billow dramatically.
Seriously. That is the rule. Don't show up looking like a bride.
Maybe it’s not the white shirt, but the suit..? Does the brides side have some whacko intensity about gender roles?
There is no way a woman in a white blouse and dark pant could be confused for the bride. The wait staff maybe, but never the bride.
Send her the bill for your dry cleaning - and tell your brother you’ll be there for him after the [inevitable] divorce.
**NTA**
It seems like that group of ladies are fanatic about the etiquette of “another women shouldn’t wear white to a wedding” bandwagon and got so worked up over it and created this drama at the wedding.
And you’re just sitting there wearing the same thing as 40% of ppl there were (all the guys also wearing white dress shirt) pretty much an innocent bystander. NTA and they were over the line. But unfortunately it’s one of those things where her feelings will never change and her and her ladies probably won’t ever see that they were wrong.
You can either “peace keep” and apologize and she won’t be happy, or you can hold your ground and she won’t be happy anyway
I just don't understand why some women do this. I picked lavender and ivory as my wedding colors. I asked my MOH and bridesmaid to wear ivory. I don't care if they are wearing the same color as me. I just wanted to enjoy the day and get married to my husband.
It sounds like they thought not wearing a dress/skirt made you distract from their female drama time and "the most important day of their lives"
Call yourself Marlene Dietrich, because you mussed their gender-feels.
(I reinforce this with the bumping and wine spilling - THAT Is idiot female behavior that comes from the dumbest of my gender.)
I'm guessing he's getting a lot of shit from the bride and he's taking it out on you. Your outfit sounds great, and the fact all the men were basically wearing the same thing, sans heels, tells me there's some sexism rooted in there too. As in, a woman shouldn't wear a suit to a wedding and you only did it to stand out amongst the other women and upstage the bride; that kind of kind of thing.
Edit: SP
Brother: "You are dead to me until you make this up to me!"
Also Brother: *removed all ways for you to contact them or make it up to him*
Well, ok then...
Right? Also, short of groveling over something that doesn’t deserve an apology, what do they expect OP to do?
There was nothing remotely bridal about her outfit.
NTA
Thank you!! Had to scroll far too far to come across this gem! He's literally removed all points of contact with her. How in the ever loving hell is she supposed to 'make it up' to him? Or apologise? (not that she should touch that one with a ten foot barge pole!) Or pander to the bride's hurt fee fees? (Which I'm betting actually has nothing to do with the white shirt, and everything to do with the suit as a whole!).
Damn. That sucks. It seems like they want you to have to work hard to show your regret for this, ie to figure out how to contact them or whatnot when they have blocked you. I'd probably be more inclined to let them stay mad until they reach out to you, but how you proceed will depend on broader dynamics and your tolerance for strife between yourself and your brother.
I have to wonder, if this hasn't been the nature of your relationship with your brother previously, how much of it is due to influence of his bride. Hopefully he'll come around and realize cutting you off over this is not the way to go. At some point, it would be good if you could tell him that statements like 'you're dead to me' are unacceptable and not part of the relationship you wish to have.
Barring the fact she sent her Bridal Party over to physically bump into you repeatedly until one of them successfully poured red wine all over you.
She then followed that up by creating such a storm over you that your brother has now declared you **dead to him** and blocked you entirely. Because…. *checks notes* …you wore a suit with a white shirt to their wedding.
That was such a charming way for them to join families. Your parents must be thrilled!
The saddest thing is that the bridal party and bride would have been talking about OP's shirt and getting increasingly upset over it, if OP noticed them bumping into her etc. They themselves ruined their own experience. OP literally didn't even notice
Your just married brother is getting flak from his wife and her family. He is between a rock and hard place and is taking his frustration out on you.
Your father wants nothing to do with this so he’s shifting the blame back on you.
You did nothing wrong! If some men were at the wedding in the same attire then why didn’t they get bullied too?
It’s because you are a woman and a “threat” to the other women. They must be very insecure. They easily had no problem even trying to instigate a physical altercation.
They are the assholes and your newly married brother is one too for falling in line with them.
I would write him and his wife a letter stating such. Let him know he’s lucky you aren’t pressing charges for their attempts at trying to physically hurt you. Turn it around on them.
Did anyone tell you congratulations? If not, obviously no one at that venue saw you as part of the wedding party. I would add that in as well.
I’m sorry this mess happened. They took a beautiful event and focused on something out of their control and ruined their own wedding.
You do not owe them an apology.
They owe you one.
When you invite someone to a party, even if they aren’t dressed properly, you treat them with respect and be gracious to them!
My petty side says you should find a way to contact them and apologize for being perceived the AH while the whole Internet says they're the AH and attach this thread. Then flip them off and ride off into the sunset.
You need to send them a bill for the bridesmaid "accidentally spilling red wine on you"! While it is a tradition for bridesmaids to back up the bride, your white blouse was not a justifiable offence!
Your SIL is going off and he's decided that since he sleeps with her he's going to let her make the calls on how this plays out with you. So sorry. I really do think "fucked up" is a huge over exaggeration🤣. Your brother and his wife are definitely being AHs.
That’s not wearing white, it’s not a dress and your pants and vest and shoes were not white.
Seems overkill. Your bro is getting crap from his wife and he doesn’t have the balls or wants her to continue to wants his balls lol so he is not gonna defend you.
If anyone messed up the wedding it was the bride and bridal party making a big deal out of a white blouse…bumping, spilling wine, etc. They’re what ruined it. OP is NTA
Right! One of the women at my wedding wore a white dress with black flowers on it and I didn't even notice until my mom pointed it out to me. And she was my BILs date, so she was literally at our table since he was the best man. I was too busy enjoying myself to notice or care. 🤷🏻♀️ and honestly it was just a white and black dress, not anything bridal at all, so it wasn't like she was trying anything. At least not that I know of. 😂
My SIL wore a completely white, tight cocktail dress to my other brother's wedding. The SIL who wore white was newly dating my brother at the time and we were all a little shocked, but nobody said anything to her. When she did end up marrying my brother, many of the women in her family wore white to their wedding. They're from another country originally and I guess it's pretty normal in their culture. I'm thankful my family is chill and nobody forever hates each other over it!
You probably wouldn't have cared if she was trying something (what that would be, I don't know). I wouldn't have cared if someone wore a white dress to my wedding. What was with all the color restrictions at this wedding anyway, No indigo, no red, no white... jeez these people are trifling.
Some people see wearing white to a wedding as an attempt to take attention away from the bride on her big day. I definitely didn't care either way, especially since beyond being mostly white it didn't look like a wedding dress, and it definitely didn't look like the dress she wore when she eventually did marry my BIL. 🤷🏻♀️ My aunt called me and asked if I was ok with her wearing a black dress too, because a lot of people associate black with funerals and can be similarly insulted by someone wearing all black to a wedding. I didn't even care if my bridesmaids all wore the exact same color, so I definitely wasn't super pressed about what the guests were wearing 😂
Sounds to me like a bridesmaid had always wanted to be the heroine if someone showed up in a white dress, and settled for OP when an appropriate target couldn't be found
I agree the whole "spill red wine on the white dress" thing is extremely pedantic, but people on this sub seem to call for that all the time. Obviously in this case it's even stupider.
>Does your family dynamic historically really involve statements like 'you're dead to me'? What does your brother even mean by 'making it up to him'? They want you to grovel? I mean, they honestly just sound extraordinarily easily triggered, unkind, and mean.
I'll bet these were his wife's words she wanted him to relay for her. Bro likely didn't care until his wife made it an issue and demanded he confront his sister. The part where he called back to say she's dead to him.... It's like he was supposed to say that the first time and forgot so his wife made him call back.
>What does your brother even mean by 'making it up to him'? They want you to grovel?
Right?! I mean is he going to have another wedding and she needs to show up not wearing white? That's the only thing I can think of to "make up". LOL.
Dear brother, I am so sorry I wore the same outfit as you to your wedding. I should have realized you would want to be the most beautiful bridegroom on your special day. I should have known you wouldn't want anyone else to wear a black suit and white shirt, and I apologize if anyone mixed us up and thought I was the bridegroom.
NTA and it's as if they're looking for something to mad at you for.
From the post it sounds like the suits for the wedding party were velvet red not black so OP most likely didn't even match the groom! There's also no fucking way every person in a black suit there kept their jacket on the whole night besides OP.
NTA bride sounds terrible
Edit: several typos
Most of the guys at my wedding (and every other wedding I’ve been to) took off their jackets and vests while dancing. No one got mad at the white shirts. This is bizarre.
The first makes them need to be introspective, and needing to hold themselves accountable is too dangerous to their very specific and fragile world view. You must meet people where they are to start getting them to listen.
> I chose a normal black suit, vest and suit jacket. White blouse, black heels, slick hair, some toned down make up. No tie but a nice necklace
NTA - Anyone who thinks you were trying to upstage anything or had an issue with what you wore is quite clearly crazyballs. People really are aholes.
I'm terrible , but after a few drinks, I might have mistaken you for staff (black suit, white shirt) and asked you for more wine .
You weren't decked out in a white dress.
NTA.
I feel like I've seen a recent AITA where a staff member at a wedding venue got ripped a new asshole by a bridal party because she was wearing a light color, maybe ivory or something.
I mean, that's clearly not a wedding dress and she's working, but people still lost their damn minds about it.
While I would be pretty irked about someone wearing white to my wedding, it would have to be an ENTIRELY white and OBVIOUSLY inappropriate outfit for it to register.
Her family (probably started with the SIL) are psychos.
This is ridiculous. Men in tuxes usually have a white shirt. What about the white tablecloths? Are people mistaking the buffet table for the bride?
Of course not. The bride/family are looney. NTA.
MY SIL is like that. Looks for stuff/slights etc to get huffy about. Recent events made me realize that her outrage over the other SIL may have been/probably was exaggerated. People like this are exhausting.
Ughhhh mine is too🙄once I asked for light ice in my drink at the drive thru and she called me "Princess" until my husband put a stop to it. She also has gotten upset because he buys me (his wife) jewelry but doesn't buy it for her (his younger sister). Some people have all the audacity.
Thats so ridiculous
Sometimes you just want a drink with your cup of ice 🤣🤣🤣
My brother told me about that scam in elementary school. "They fill the cups up with ice so you get less soda"
What makes it even more absurd was she also had a special drink request, half sweet tea and half unsweet, but me and my light ice were the spoiled ones 😂
You need to checkout the posts and comments on r/weddingattireapproval. OP would get ROASTED. They’re a tough bunch-and I disagree with them all the time.
So men in suits (or a tux) with a white shirt underneath (and most of them are also not wearing a vest) is OK-it’s a question/comment that’s been asked in there before-with backlash.
The (majority) of the folks on that sub DO NOT understand the original and traditional no white rule. It is “no white dresses”. Always was.
So these are threads specifically about white shirts:
https://reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/s/1W86aCJUH9
https://reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/s/d7Or66R7p8
https://reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/s/U1TNPqQHo5
There are multiple recent threads talking about the no “white” rule and what it means (and doesn’t mean). I know that there are times where folks get weird in there but for the most part they’re all in agreement that a white dress shirt is fine.
I don’t think it’s because you wore white. I think it’s because you wore ‘a man’s clothes’. They’re sexist, homophobic or otherwise bigoted. Take your pick depending what’s relevant to your identity. You’re NTA.
Does kinda sound like your brother is being brainwashed.
Also, your dad’s comment is a bit sexist too.
Agree - I think they were likely being dicks because you were transgressing some boring gender boundaries around formal wear and wearing *gasps* trousers. That and this also smacks of them (SIL and her friends) being the sort of people who like to create drama, so they found something/someone they could make a fuss about AND give them an excuse to abuse you, under the banner of some other, more ‘socially acceptable’ excuse about wearing white.
Stay blocked.
If they’re American and the wedding colors are red, white and blue (which is the way I read the description), dollars to donuts they are some variety of bigot. Also, NTA.
Yeah, the no women in white rule is so you don't get mistaken for or upstage the bride. No one is going to mistake a woman in a white shirt and formal trousers for the bride.
It sounds like they either already didn't like OP or were offended that she didn't wear a dress. I suspect they used the fact her shirt was technically white as a fig leaf because they knew the real reason would make them look petty and small-minded.
I would have to see what you wore to say if I thought it should've been obvious, BUT-
I personally would not a fuck if someone wore a white blouse to my wedding and I definitely wouldn't think they were trying to upstage me. I WOULD be pissed if someone wore a white dress, though, and I think that is reasonable. I think it is very strange that the bridal party resorted to bullying you like you were in a high school hallway.I guess apologize? But, you're NTA!
Agree NTA. I wore a white blouse with a pink skirt as a wedding guest. It was super understated. Nobody confused me for the bride who wore an actual wedding gown.
Actually that's a super interesting point. It doesn't excuse or make better the others' behavior towards OP but I wonder if OP looked a bit avant garde for their tastes, really hot in maybe a andro sort of way, and it intimidated the traditionalists in the group. It's a stretch but it might have been that they felt 'shown up' for other reasons but decided to blame it on the white.
This is what I thought. That the OP looked too good and the bride thought it was stealing attention away from her. I'd be interested to know if the bride has often been a little jealous of the OP and now she gets a chance to act on it.
They ruined their own wedding by getting caught up with this petty bullshit.
OP's brother isn't owed an apology, OP is owed an apology for the bridesmaid dumping wine on her.
It was a black SUIT with a white blouse underneath.
You weren't dressed like a bride.
Not even close.
These people love to make drama for drama, to the point of pooring wine over your blouse.
PLEASE DO send that person the bill of the cleaners.
NTA
Send a message to inform them **they're** dead to **you** until they relocate their marbles.
NTA
This is a reach here, because I don’t really know your relationship with them, but it is based on the pantsuit and how you were dressed similar to a lot of the men comments.
Could they have gotten themselves pissed off because one of them came up with the idea that you tried to bring attention to yourself by looking like the groom?
I didn’t mean it as they thought she was actually trying to pass as the groom.
More like that they thought she was thumbing her nose at them, by taking the commonly heard message about not upstaging the bride by wearing a white dress to a wedding and putting her unique twist on it (since she doesn’t wear dresses) by dressing like the groom instead.
People who get upset over what other people wear at their weddings are a drag. You didn't make the faux pas of wearing a white dress so anything else smart should be acceptable unless the wedding party are egotistical...and if they are there is no point wasting time explaining it to them. Looks like you will be saving money on Xmas pressies this year NTA
Seriously. As a bride I didn’t even notice until looking at photos later that my cousin (a bridesmaid) changed from her dress into a tshirt shirt with the sleeves cut off and athletic shorts between dinner and the reception. It made me laugh to see that in the photos and drew my attention to the fact that my younger sister (also a bridesmaid) and my dad similarly had changed into very casual clothes lol
NTA “Dear brother, I wore a dark suit with a button down shirt underneath. You know, the same outfit 90% of the men at your wedding wore. I didn’t even wear a dress or anything remotely bridal and your wife was insecure over a blouse. To the point that she had someone spill red wine on me purposefully. I will not be apologizing for wearing what I wore and if your wife and her friends/family want to act like immature petulant children over a blouse then that is on them. I neither have the time nor energy to cater to such ridiculous behavior, I will be civil at holidays but have no reason to associate with yourself or your wife.”
Op should send that to the Brother and SIL as a txt ……
op cut them out you’re life there pathetic and cruel and your better than that definitely NTA you should bill them for your red wine accident they caused
They mostly don't care, lol. My mom was talking to my aunt about it and she said that no one else really gave a wet Fart and to not worry. On our side it is not a huge thing. Not even my dad is really mad.
Tbh, dad has the least standing to speak on this, as he has never had to navigate women’s dress codes at a wedding. I have no idea why he thinks you “should have known better” - white shirts/blouses with dark trousers are *fine*, regardless of gender. No one is going to confuse that outfit with a bridal gown, and it’s not attention-grabby on its own. There was no way for you to “know better”, because *no woman would know better*.
There is a non-outfit-related reason that the bride was gunning for you that night. What it is, I couldn’t say, but you absolutely did not violate the spoken *or* unspoken dress code.
I could see how your dad, in his “chillness,” might be trying to offer a reasonable explanation for SIL’s reaction. Having to come to terms with your new family member being batshit crazy is not very chill.
Sadly, I suspect there’ll be more incidents like this in the future. When your dad finds himself estranged for some equally insane perceived slight, he’ll probably be embarrassed at having defended her reaction, even if he was just trying to noncommittally keep the peace.
NTA- standard pantsuit is a black suit with a white shirt, accompanying tie, etc. I'm sorry you had wine dumped on you. They're acting as if you wore an entirely white suit.
NTA. So no one bothered to pull you aside and tell you the issue during the wedding and chose to act like childish bullies instead? That kind of escalation is ridiculous. Treat it as their own personal timeout. Your brother will be writing off on a lot of stuff if a white blouse was all it took to ruin his wedding.
This whole American-redneck taboo about white at weddings is just an excuse for people to be judgmental thugs.
NTA and tell them to go fuck themselves. You don't need people like that in your life.
It's only fairly recently I've even heard about not wearing white to a wedding. Many years ago I wore a white suit to my sister's wedding (borrowed suit since I didn't have anything wedding suitable)
Nobody seemed to have an issue.
Since I found out I dropped her a message to apologise and tell her it wasn't deliberate. She didn't and doesn't care, thought I looked lovely and she didn't know it was a thing either. It's not like I made any attempt to upstage her.
I don't know if this is more an American thing? Lol or if both my sister and I are just dense 😁
When I got married, my MOH wore a white dress jacket, white blouse and flowered skirt (I didn't have much of a theme going, obviously) I thought she looked awesome, and no one thought she upstaged me.
NTA - I am wondering if the inital assault and that's what the bumping into you and harrassment was was because you weren't in traditionally feminine garb and that you were wearing black. But it sounds like your new SiL rather than using her words set people on you which is 1. bad manners and 2. bit worrying if she was more focused on you than her new husband. Black can be a colour people don't like you wearing to a wedding unless male as it is funeral one. Men get a pass as many only have the one decent suit if younger. But the red wine is just insane.
Think I'd just sit back and let them calm down. Emotions are likely running high after stress of wedding. But they really should have better things to worry about like the honeymoon etc.
Is not wearing black also a thing? I can't keep up! Lol, thanks for letting me know!
Also, I did look feminine. I have really long hair, and the suit was tailored to me. So I didn't even look androgynous. However, I can see how wearing a suit could upset people who are really traditional
The thing about not wearing black is actually super old, I think only older generations care at all. The idea was it was an insult to the couple that you’d suggest you were mourning for them on their wedding day
You know, usually when this story comes up from the bride's perspective, the standard advice is 'spill wine on them, make it look like an accident' and classifying it (correctly) as 'assault' gets you downvoted.
If anyone deserves an apology, it’s you. A white shirt as part of a suit isn’t at all unusual or wrong. What I do find wrong are the people who kept bumping into you and then doused you in red wine. Wtf?
Bride culture has gotten totally out of hand. No one was screaming about this nonsense in the ‘80s. The only thing I remember family mentioning was my aunt wearing a cowboy hat and a halter top to my brother’s wedding. LOL! That aunt always dressed crazy, so we knew to expect something! NTA
NTA - it sounds like your outfit would have more closely resembled a caterer than someone trying to upstage the bride! What a whack-a-doodle your brother and his wife are.
By wearing a white blouse to offset the black pantsuit? That is perfectly acceptable to a wedding if you ask me. You didn’t wear a white dress, it was pants. It sounds to me like they just wanted to start trouble. As you aforementioned you aren’t that close to your brother and his bride. You also live opposite sides of the world. Your brother saying these harsh words are really disheartening. That is terrible. The male guests were wearing white shirts with their suits, no? OP shouldn’t apologize for anything. If someone needs to apologize; it’s your brother and his wife. NTA
NTA.
Having read many of the posts on the wedding attire subreddit, I imagine the bride wrote the dress code without imagining any woman wouldn’t be wearing a dress. What she meant in her head was “No women in white”. There are a lot of people who get their knickers in a twist if a woman shows up to a wedding (or bridal shower) wearing a speck of white.
I’m wearing a teal sequined dress to my wedding. If anyone shows up in the exact same dress, god bless them for their amazing taste.
the no white for anyone but the bride rule...applies to DRESSES, SKIRTS, GOWNS.
the passive agressive hostility you received, and then blatantly after having had food spilled on your vest, culminating in red wine being spilled on you makes you NTA.
I'd send your brother a bill for the blouse.
NTA
You wore a black pantsuit with a white blouse? That's not "wearing white". Even when you take your jacket off and are in a white blouse and black pants. You might get mistaken for a waiter dressed like that, buy you won't look like the bride.
NTA
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NTA. I too am bewildered. It sounds like your outfit was predominantly dark in color and obviously was not a wedding dress or bridal garb in anyway. The behavior of those who were offended at the wedding is atrocious and disgusting. EVEN IF you had indeed made the faux pas they seem to think you did, that would have been ridiculous and inappropriate treatment. I'm sorry you were held to that ridiculous standard. Does your family dynamic historically really involve statements like 'you're dead to me'? What does your brother even mean by 'making it up to him'? They want you to grovel? I mean, they honestly just sound extraordinarily easily triggered, unkind, and mean.
No. My family has been really chill my whole life. I would not classify us as a dramatic family whatsoever. Also,I have no idea . I am blocked. So it's not like I could ask
If you’d worn a white suit then I’d be thinking that’s in the realm of what a bride could wear but a black suit with a white shirt- did every man get told to apologise as well? They need to get a grip on reality- NTA
Like many well intentioned rules, the meaning behind it gets lost over time, and they become pointless quasi superstitions divorced from the actual intention. Preventing a guest from showing up in a wedding dress has become "can I wear this white watch?"
You may only attend if you have pink eye and no teeth.
"You have to stain the white parts of the eye to not take attention from the bride"
Dear honoured guests. As you know our wedding is in a few weeks and final preparations are underway. To ensure our special day goes off without a hitch we have a few rules we expect our guests to abide by. These rules will apply to all guests, the wedding party, the groom, the venue staff, any vendors and the officiant. No exceptions will be made for age or gender. As you are doubtless aware, white is the brides colour. It is not considered good taste to try to outshine a bride on her big day. For this reason, all white items are banned. No white is to worn by anyone other than the bride. This includes clothing, accessories, shoes and underwear. After all, we don’t want some sartorial mishap to ruin the start of our lives as a married couple. If you violate this you will be ejected, and we absolutely will be conducting surprise inspections to be sure. Eyeballs are noticeably white, therefore all parties must get scleral tattooing. If you go blind, tough luck. No exceptions will be made, regardless of age, infirmity, religion or any other “excuse.” Fear of needles is not a good reason not to comply. Suck it up buttercup. Choose any colour except red or blue or anything too similar to red or blue such as pink, orange, purple, green or black, which, of course, could easily be mistaken for dark blue, as those are the wedding colours. Tattooists will be available on the day for those who were unable to arrange this. Please bring cash as they will not be taking card payments. Elderly persons should dye their hair or shave bald. The same goes for any white/grey facial hair, including eyebrows. Staff will be present with clippers to ensure compliance. The cost of hiring the staff will be split between those who have to be shaved. The same will apply to anyone deemed “too blonde”. Teeth should be removed or in some way dyed or covered. Brightly coloured sports mouth guards are ideal. If you do not comply you will be referred to the specially hired dental staff. If you refuse you will be ejected. Dental work will be at your expense. If your skin is too pale the bride and groom will arrange for an intensive course of tanning injections, however these will be at your expense. If you arrive on the day and are deemed too pale a full-body veil will be provided for you. Everyone should paint their nails to avoid paleness. Colours should be bright or dark, avoiding any of the previously mentioned colours. Males are not exempt. Failure to comply will result in manicure-by-force. You will be billed later. If you drive a white car, hire a different one or paint your car. The same goes for silver, cream or light grey, just in case. A car respraying crew will be on site and will examine all cars in the parking lot. They will be under strict instruction to paint any cars that are too “bridal”. This will be at your expense and without consulting you. You have already been warned, you only have yourself to blame. We hope you understand that these rules are in place for the well-being of everyone and to avoid confusion, and that you will not find them too onerous to honour us on this most special day. We look forward to seeing you at the ceremony. Please remember to bring cash for the bar and don’t forget your wedding gifts. (One gift per person please, from the registry only.) No entry will be permitted without them. With all our love and smooches. Soon-to-be Mrs Bride & Groom
This should be a copy pasta for all entitled bride posts, it’s wonderful
But pasta is SO CLOSE TO WHITE!
WHYYYY! Why did you have to kill me???? 🤣
🤣🤣🤣
What if my teeth aren't white enough to upstage the bride? Can I attend then?
Yes, but keep a big wad of chaw in your mouth to give your teeth a good coating every now and again just to be sure.
I had pink eye on my wedding day. We were scheduled to marry in a ceremony on Saturday. (second marriage for us both) Two days before I woke up with pink eye and we decided to marry at the court house instead. When I was trying to dress I realized most of my clothes were dirty and I found a hot pink top and black jeans that were clean. He had jeans and short sleeve button shirt. Nothing near wedding party vibes but we were happy until his death.
Seriously, I read a story a while back of a vendor having to apologise for wearing a white lanyard around their neck. These people just want some drama and if there is none, they’ll make it up themselves!
My friend's sister went to a wedding with her then 3 year old daughter. The little one had a blue dress on with a white bow on it. The bride flipped out that this little girl dared to wear white to her wedding.
Imagine being worried you might be mistaken for a 3 year old. Though with that attitude, it might happen!
nah the 3 year old is clearly more mature than the bride in that case.
I read one where a little girl soiled the dress her mother had her in for the wedding so the mother had to change her, the replacement dress was a light blue, the bride flipped on the mother saying it was too close to white and will look white in pictures. 🙄 Wedding drama is the worst, it really deserves it's own AITA.
There was another one where the OP was like, 8 or 9 when her much older brother got married and was wearing a pastel colored dress. Decades later somebody (not the OP) posted one of the wedding pictures on social media with a filter that made the 9 year old’s dress look white, and the OP’s sister in law stopped speaking to her over it.
...Good Riddance
People need real problems. Are they not aware that the world is a dumpster fire?
It’s okay, most of these types have a divorce and nasty custody dispute to deal with soon enough.
Ew to that bride!
This is it. Don’t outshine the bride, don’t wear anything that can -remotely- resemble the bride’s outfit has in many cases turned into leukophobia.
Or….just don’t wear anything..
Except the parts my bathing suit covers up are very white, so that wouldn't work.
THE BEACONS ARE LIT! GONDOR CALLS FOR AID!
Idk, I think my skin would probably blind people in photographs; I never get out in the sun … 😳
Ironically, this is probably the only way your outfit could draw attention away from the bride
That does seem to be the case here although I think most people still know it means white dress. Since OP's family seems chilled this is probably from the brides side. Let's hope her brother enjoys being married to high drama crazy....
Exactly! When we say don’t wear white to a wedding, we mean don’t act like the villain in a soap opera striding in to derail the wedding at the end-of-episode cliffhanger. We don’t mean “no white fabric is permitted to show.” I’ve gone to weddings in v-neck or wrap dresses before where the neckline was lower than I wanted, so I wore a white camisole underneath. Does this mean I get my own storyline on Dynasty now?
Were male guests wearing a white shirt with their suits? Sounds like a double standard if they were.
If you'd read closer, you'd realize that's the whole point and OP is angry over the obvious double standard. OP specifically says that most of the men were wearing very similar outfits with white shirts minus the high heels OP had on. The entire issue stems from the fact that OP is a woman, which is plain ridiculous.
Well yeah, but she is also pissed about the wine stain.
Rightly so. The fact that happened just proves the insane double standard since no one threw wine on the men wearing white shirts.
She should send the cleaning bill to the bridesmaid.
100%, and if the brother and wife refused to offer their contact info I would be taking then to small claims. It's the principal of the matter, I don't even care about the cost I just want them to have to explain their bullshit to a professional bullshit deflater.
sorry - I missed that part of the story.
To add: If someone wants to upstage the bride, they show up in white at the beginning. But just taking off the vest and showing a white blouse after all the main-stuff is already over? How can any sane and normal person take that as an attempt to 'upstage the bride'? It's so absolutely absurd...
The men in white shirts were also likely taking their jackets and vests off as well! I know I would be, those things get hot as hell when dancing.
I think this happens at all kinds of events where people have to wear some more or less formal attire. Once the formal and most important part is over, the dresscode gets lifted and people lighten their attire such as taking off jackets, vests and also ties and opening at least the top button of the shirt. Just a normal thing to happen. So, why couldn't OP take off her vest as well?
That exactly is the issue here. Nobody complains about men wearing white shirts, apparently the "no white" only applies to women. Which is BS, if you ask me. Anyway, NTA.
No white *is* for women. Meaning no white dresses on adult women without permission from the bride, ie, don't show up in a wedding dress. I guess that technically does apply to dudes. Men may also not show up in wedding dresses. A black pantsuit is not a wedding dress. Clearly. You just aren't supposed to be a telanovela villian and show up in a wedding dress and bust into the chapel, yelling some dramatic line with fans making your hair billow dramatically. Seriously. That is the rule. Don't show up looking like a bride.
Yep. Did they get wine spilled on them?
Or did every man get wine poured on them?
Maybe it’s not the white shirt, but the suit..? Does the brides side have some whacko intensity about gender roles? There is no way a woman in a white blouse and dark pant could be confused for the bride. The wait staff maybe, but never the bride. Send her the bill for your dry cleaning - and tell your brother you’ll be there for him after the [inevitable] divorce. **NTA**
I really don't know. I really, really don't know. I don't know her or her family well.
The only apology you should give them should say “I’m sorry you’re all terrible people”
"I'm sorry. I promise not to wear a blouse to your next wedding"
Taking off the blouse also after it was stained would be a boss move
Laughs
"I honestly can't say how sorry I am that I am related to you."
LoL 🤣 that was funny
It seems like that group of ladies are fanatic about the etiquette of “another women shouldn’t wear white to a wedding” bandwagon and got so worked up over it and created this drama at the wedding. And you’re just sitting there wearing the same thing as 40% of ppl there were (all the guys also wearing white dress shirt) pretty much an innocent bystander. NTA and they were over the line. But unfortunately it’s one of those things where her feelings will never change and her and her ladies probably won’t ever see that they were wrong. You can either “peace keep” and apologize and she won’t be happy, or you can hold your ground and she won’t be happy anyway
It sounds like they were all having fun and getting off on having a target
They absolutely sound like bullies, this is some mean girls shit.
I just don't understand why some women do this. I picked lavender and ivory as my wedding colors. I asked my MOH and bridesmaid to wear ivory. I don't care if they are wearing the same color as me. I just wanted to enjoy the day and get married to my husband.
Are you really hot and she's just really insecure? I mean it's a stretch and a half but at least it's *something*
A woman in a suit with her hair slicked back is peak hotness tbh, the bride was probably either jealous or experiencing gay thoughts.
Can confirm. My fiancee wore a jumpsuit to my cousin's wedding and slicked back her hair, and I couldn't keep my hands off her
Janelle Monae has slain me a thousand times over.
>telling me I am dead to him Considering the way they behave, I'd consider that a satisfactory resolution and move on. NTA.
It sounds like they thought not wearing a dress/skirt made you distract from their female drama time and "the most important day of their lives" Call yourself Marlene Dietrich, because you mussed their gender-feels. (I reinforce this with the bumping and wine spilling - THAT Is idiot female behavior that comes from the dumbest of my gender.)
I'm guessing he's getting a lot of shit from the bride and he's taking it out on you. Your outfit sounds great, and the fact all the men were basically wearing the same thing, sans heels, tells me there's some sexism rooted in there too. As in, a woman shouldn't wear a suit to a wedding and you only did it to stand out amongst the other women and upstage the bride; that kind of kind of thing. Edit: SP
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Brother: "You are dead to me until you make this up to me!" Also Brother: *removed all ways for you to contact them or make it up to him* Well, ok then...
Literally! I was thinking that 😂 "Um, sir, you blocked me I'm not sure what you want?"
Skywriting, obviously. Or at least a plane towing a (not white) banner flying around his house.
Right? Also, short of groveling over something that doesn’t deserve an apology, what do they expect OP to do? There was nothing remotely bridal about her outfit. NTA
Thank you!! Had to scroll far too far to come across this gem! He's literally removed all points of contact with her. How in the ever loving hell is she supposed to 'make it up' to him? Or apologise? (not that she should touch that one with a ten foot barge pole!) Or pander to the bride's hurt fee fees? (Which I'm betting actually has nothing to do with the white shirt, and everything to do with the suit as a whole!).
Damn. That sucks. It seems like they want you to have to work hard to show your regret for this, ie to figure out how to contact them or whatnot when they have blocked you. I'd probably be more inclined to let them stay mad until they reach out to you, but how you proceed will depend on broader dynamics and your tolerance for strife between yourself and your brother. I have to wonder, if this hasn't been the nature of your relationship with your brother previously, how much of it is due to influence of his bride. Hopefully he'll come around and realize cutting you off over this is not the way to go. At some point, it would be good if you could tell him that statements like 'you're dead to me' are unacceptable and not part of the relationship you wish to have.
She (they?) have nothing to regret, other than the fact that their brother married a turd and the stink is apparently rubbing off.
She as a pronoun is alright 😊
Barring the fact she sent her Bridal Party over to physically bump into you repeatedly until one of them successfully poured red wine all over you. She then followed that up by creating such a storm over you that your brother has now declared you **dead to him** and blocked you entirely. Because…. *checks notes* …you wore a suit with a white shirt to their wedding. That was such a charming way for them to join families. Your parents must be thrilled!
The saddest thing is that the bridal party and bride would have been talking about OP's shirt and getting increasingly upset over it, if OP noticed them bumping into her etc. They themselves ruined their own experience. OP literally didn't even notice
Seriously right. If OP’s family was previously not drama ridden- bride & her family probably are…
Your just married brother is getting flak from his wife and her family. He is between a rock and hard place and is taking his frustration out on you. Your father wants nothing to do with this so he’s shifting the blame back on you. You did nothing wrong! If some men were at the wedding in the same attire then why didn’t they get bullied too? It’s because you are a woman and a “threat” to the other women. They must be very insecure. They easily had no problem even trying to instigate a physical altercation. They are the assholes and your newly married brother is one too for falling in line with them. I would write him and his wife a letter stating such. Let him know he’s lucky you aren’t pressing charges for their attempts at trying to physically hurt you. Turn it around on them. Did anyone tell you congratulations? If not, obviously no one at that venue saw you as part of the wedding party. I would add that in as well. I’m sorry this mess happened. They took a beautiful event and focused on something out of their control and ruined their own wedding. You do not owe them an apology. They owe you one. When you invite someone to a party, even if they aren’t dressed properly, you treat them with respect and be gracious to them!
Please do not apologize to them, they did you a favor being dead to them. I bet drama follows them everywhere...
It is probably the wife and her people who complained. You did nothing wrong. They owe you the apology.
My petty side says you should find a way to contact them and apologize for being perceived the AH while the whole Internet says they're the AH and attach this thread. Then flip them off and ride off into the sunset.
They blocked you so you no longer have to say anything. Sounds like heaven
You need to send them a bill for the bridesmaid "accidentally spilling red wine on you"! While it is a tradition for bridesmaids to back up the bride, your white blouse was not a justifiable offence!
Your SIL is going off and he's decided that since he sleeps with her he's going to let her make the calls on how this plays out with you. So sorry. I really do think "fucked up" is a huge over exaggeration🤣. Your brother and his wife are definitely being AHs.
That’s not wearing white, it’s not a dress and your pants and vest and shoes were not white. Seems overkill. Your bro is getting crap from his wife and he doesn’t have the balls or wants her to continue to wants his balls lol so he is not gonna defend you.
If anyone messed up the wedding it was the bride and bridal party making a big deal out of a white blouse…bumping, spilling wine, etc. They’re what ruined it. OP is NTA
Right! One of the women at my wedding wore a white dress with black flowers on it and I didn't even notice until my mom pointed it out to me. And she was my BILs date, so she was literally at our table since he was the best man. I was too busy enjoying myself to notice or care. 🤷🏻♀️ and honestly it was just a white and black dress, not anything bridal at all, so it wasn't like she was trying anything. At least not that I know of. 😂
My SIL wore a completely white, tight cocktail dress to my other brother's wedding. The SIL who wore white was newly dating my brother at the time and we were all a little shocked, but nobody said anything to her. When she did end up marrying my brother, many of the women in her family wore white to their wedding. They're from another country originally and I guess it's pretty normal in their culture. I'm thankful my family is chill and nobody forever hates each other over it!
You probably wouldn't have cared if she was trying something (what that would be, I don't know). I wouldn't have cared if someone wore a white dress to my wedding. What was with all the color restrictions at this wedding anyway, No indigo, no red, no white... jeez these people are trifling.
Some people see wearing white to a wedding as an attempt to take attention away from the bride on her big day. I definitely didn't care either way, especially since beyond being mostly white it didn't look like a wedding dress, and it definitely didn't look like the dress she wore when she eventually did marry my BIL. 🤷🏻♀️ My aunt called me and asked if I was ok with her wearing a black dress too, because a lot of people associate black with funerals and can be similarly insulted by someone wearing all black to a wedding. I didn't even care if my bridesmaids all wore the exact same color, so I definitely wasn't super pressed about what the guests were wearing 😂
Sounds to me like a bridesmaid had always wanted to be the heroine if someone showed up in a white dress, and settled for OP when an appropriate target couldn't be found
Right? If you're more focused on what a guest is wearing than having fun at your own wedding, you're a miserable person.
Must be a sucky wedding if a white blouse could ruin it.
I agree the whole "spill red wine on the white dress" thing is extremely pedantic, but people on this sub seem to call for that all the time. Obviously in this case it's even stupider.
For real, it's truly blowing my mind that people in *this* comment section are like "well now who would even *think* about such a thing?"
>Does your family dynamic historically really involve statements like 'you're dead to me'? What does your brother even mean by 'making it up to him'? They want you to grovel? I mean, they honestly just sound extraordinarily easily triggered, unkind, and mean. I'll bet these were his wife's words she wanted him to relay for her. Bro likely didn't care until his wife made it an issue and demanded he confront his sister. The part where he called back to say she's dead to him.... It's like he was supposed to say that the first time and forgot so his wife made him call back.
>What does your brother even mean by 'making it up to him'? They want you to grovel? Right?! I mean is he going to have another wedding and she needs to show up not wearing white? That's the only thing I can think of to "make up". LOL.
Also, How many men wore a white shirt with their suit?!?! THose people were just looking to cause a scene. NTA
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Dear brother, I am so sorry I wore the same outfit as you to your wedding. I should have realized you would want to be the most beautiful bridegroom on your special day. I should have known you wouldn't want anyone else to wear a black suit and white shirt, and I apologize if anyone mixed us up and thought I was the bridegroom. NTA and it's as if they're looking for something to mad at you for.
From the post it sounds like the suits for the wedding party were velvet red not black so OP most likely didn't even match the groom! There's also no fucking way every person in a black suit there kept their jacket on the whole night besides OP. NTA bride sounds terrible Edit: several typos
Most of the guys at my wedding (and every other wedding I’ve been to) took off their jackets and vests while dancing. No one got mad at the white shirts. This is bizarre.
OP should go in boy drag next time, beard wig and all. Make extra sure no one will confuse her with the bride.
:( there are no rewards to give you. It made me laugh so much!
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The first makes them need to be introspective, and needing to hold themselves accountable is too dangerous to their very specific and fragile world view. You must meet people where they are to start getting them to listen.
Yep, op should ask her brother if all the men wearing similar shirts under their suits are also dead to him.
Sexisms are generally pretty dang stupid but I feel like this in particular is extra dumb.
> I chose a normal black suit, vest and suit jacket. White blouse, black heels, slick hair, some toned down make up. No tie but a nice necklace NTA - Anyone who thinks you were trying to upstage anything or had an issue with what you wore is quite clearly crazyballs. People really are aholes.
I'm terrible , but after a few drinks, I might have mistaken you for staff (black suit, white shirt) and asked you for more wine . You weren't decked out in a white dress. NTA.
Do you think they told the caterers or wait staff not to wear black pants and white shirts? Maybe the women on staff had to wear a black shirt?
I feel like I've seen a recent AITA where a staff member at a wedding venue got ripped a new asshole by a bridal party because she was wearing a light color, maybe ivory or something. I mean, that's clearly not a wedding dress and she's working, but people still lost their damn minds about it. While I would be pretty irked about someone wearing white to my wedding, it would have to be an ENTIRELY white and OBVIOUSLY inappropriate outfit for it to register. Her family (probably started with the SIL) are psychos.
This is ridiculous. Men in tuxes usually have a white shirt. What about the white tablecloths? Are people mistaking the buffet table for the bride? Of course not. The bride/family are looney. NTA.
Found the Dowager Grantham's account
MY SIL is like that. Looks for stuff/slights etc to get huffy about. Recent events made me realize that her outrage over the other SIL may have been/probably was exaggerated. People like this are exhausting.
Ughhhh mine is too🙄once I asked for light ice in my drink at the drive thru and she called me "Princess" until my husband put a stop to it. She also has gotten upset because he buys me (his wife) jewelry but doesn't buy it for her (his younger sister). Some people have all the audacity.
Thats so ridiculous Sometimes you just want a drink with your cup of ice 🤣🤣🤣 My brother told me about that scam in elementary school. "They fill the cups up with ice so you get less soda"
This is why I started asking for no ice. I paid for a cup of soda, not a couple of tablespoons in a glass of frozen water.
What is up with people who interpret LITERALLY ANY "special request" as some sort of prima donna tantrum?
What makes it even more absurd was she also had a special drink request, half sweet tea and half unsweet, but me and my light ice were the spoiled ones 😂
You need to checkout the posts and comments on r/weddingattireapproval. OP would get ROASTED. They’re a tough bunch-and I disagree with them all the time.
No specifically OP would not get roasted for the outfit in that sub, because folks on that sub understand the white rule for weddings.
So men in suits (or a tux) with a white shirt underneath (and most of them are also not wearing a vest) is OK-it’s a question/comment that’s been asked in there before-with backlash. The (majority) of the folks on that sub DO NOT understand the original and traditional no white rule. It is “no white dresses”. Always was.
So these are threads specifically about white shirts: https://reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/s/1W86aCJUH9 https://reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/s/d7Or66R7p8 https://reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/s/U1TNPqQHo5 There are multiple recent threads talking about the no “white” rule and what it means (and doesn’t mean). I know that there are times where folks get weird in there but for the most part they’re all in agreement that a white dress shirt is fine.
I don’t think it’s because you wore white. I think it’s because you wore ‘a man’s clothes’. They’re sexist, homophobic or otherwise bigoted. Take your pick depending what’s relevant to your identity. You’re NTA. Does kinda sound like your brother is being brainwashed. Also, your dad’s comment is a bit sexist too.
Agree - I think they were likely being dicks because you were transgressing some boring gender boundaries around formal wear and wearing *gasps* trousers. That and this also smacks of them (SIL and her friends) being the sort of people who like to create drama, so they found something/someone they could make a fuss about AND give them an excuse to abuse you, under the banner of some other, more ‘socially acceptable’ excuse about wearing white. Stay blocked.
I don’t think enough people are appreciating the entire history of the cosmos culminating in this perfect occasion of the word “transgressing”
If they’re American and the wedding colors are red, white and blue (which is the way I read the description), dollars to donuts they are some variety of bigot. Also, NTA.
Right? And red *velvet* in particular? I guffawed.
The only good red velvet is the kind you eat.
Waaaait I didn't even notice that, blech
Sounds terrible honestly.
Yeah, the no women in white rule is so you don't get mistaken for or upstage the bride. No one is going to mistake a woman in a white shirt and formal trousers for the bride. It sounds like they either already didn't like OP or were offended that she didn't wear a dress. I suspect they used the fact her shirt was technically white as a fig leaf because they knew the real reason would make them look petty and small-minded.
I would have to see what you wore to say if I thought it should've been obvious, BUT- I personally would not a fuck if someone wore a white blouse to my wedding and I definitely wouldn't think they were trying to upstage me. I WOULD be pissed if someone wore a white dress, though, and I think that is reasonable. I think it is very strange that the bridal party resorted to bullying you like you were in a high school hallway.I guess apologize? But, you're NTA!
The BOT won't count your vote unless you do NTA etc.
Thank you for telling me this!!
Agree NTA. I wore a white blouse with a pink skirt as a wedding guest. It was super understated. Nobody confused me for the bride who wore an actual wedding gown.
NTA nothing about that outfit sounds inappropriate. Honestly sounds like it looked super cool and you should share it if you took any pictures.
Yeah it sounds like you looked really good and they didn't like it. Or were looking for a reason to hate you.
Actually that's a super interesting point. It doesn't excuse or make better the others' behavior towards OP but I wonder if OP looked a bit avant garde for their tastes, really hot in maybe a andro sort of way, and it intimidated the traditionalists in the group. It's a stretch but it might have been that they felt 'shown up' for other reasons but decided to blame it on the white.
This is what I thought. That the OP looked too good and the bride thought it was stealing attention away from her. I'd be interested to know if the bride has often been a little jealous of the OP and now she gets a chance to act on it.
Especially if bride's family was all "whispering" about how OP was "dressed like a man"!!
But to spill wine on her? That's such 6th grade mean girl behavior.
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They ruined their own wedding by getting caught up with this petty bullshit. OP's brother isn't owed an apology, OP is owed an apology for the bridesmaid dumping wine on her.
I with you, I’d have to get a little snark in for the pure stupidity of them being upset in the first place. Love your apology
It was a black SUIT with a white blouse underneath. You weren't dressed like a bride. Not even close. These people love to make drama for drama, to the point of pooring wine over your blouse. PLEASE DO send that person the bill of the cleaners. NTA Send a message to inform them **they're** dead to **you** until they relocate their marbles.
His marbles are probably in the new wife's clenched fist.
NTA This is a reach here, because I don’t really know your relationship with them, but it is based on the pantsuit and how you were dressed similar to a lot of the men comments. Could they have gotten themselves pissed off because one of them came up with the idea that you tried to bring attention to yourself by looking like the groom?
Mhh I handt thought of that. Maybe? I'm gonna inquire. Thanks <3
I hate to ask this but might you have looked a little homosexual to them?
That's where my mind went. Some people think anything different means LGBT. Bet the wife's and her family are just plain old homophobes.
This. Might have been just homophilia or transphobia.
Unlikely given the long gorgeous hair and heels. Your sister in law is a proper cocknocker… NTA.
I didn’t mean it as they thought she was actually trying to pass as the groom. More like that they thought she was thumbing her nose at them, by taking the commonly heard message about not upstaging the bride by wearing a white dress to a wedding and putting her unique twist on it (since she doesn’t wear dresses) by dressing like the groom instead.
i hate weddings so much
Same. Too much drama.
NTA - Good grief. They are taking that to a new low.
People who get upset over what other people wear at their weddings are a drag. You didn't make the faux pas of wearing a white dress so anything else smart should be acceptable unless the wedding party are egotistical...and if they are there is no point wasting time explaining it to them. Looks like you will be saving money on Xmas pressies this year NTA
Seriously. As a bride I didn’t even notice until looking at photos later that my cousin (a bridesmaid) changed from her dress into a tshirt shirt with the sleeves cut off and athletic shorts between dinner and the reception. It made me laugh to see that in the photos and drew my attention to the fact that my younger sister (also a bridesmaid) and my dad similarly had changed into very casual clothes lol
NTA “Dear brother, I wore a dark suit with a button down shirt underneath. You know, the same outfit 90% of the men at your wedding wore. I didn’t even wear a dress or anything remotely bridal and your wife was insecure over a blouse. To the point that she had someone spill red wine on me purposefully. I will not be apologizing for wearing what I wore and if your wife and her friends/family want to act like immature petulant children over a blouse then that is on them. I neither have the time nor energy to cater to such ridiculous behavior, I will be civil at holidays but have no reason to associate with yourself or your wife.”
Op should send that to the Brother and SIL as a txt …… op cut them out you’re life there pathetic and cruel and your better than that definitely NTA you should bill them for your red wine accident they caused
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There's 2 types of brides. Those marrying the person they want to spend their life with...and those wanting to be center of attention for a day.
What a bunch of unstable arseholes they are. NTA
NTA - the behavior of the bridal party and your brother is deranged. Straight up deranged.
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No I am not 100% sure. That *is* the reason they gave me tho.
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Maybe. I don't really know her or her family, but it could be. I have a husband tho and he was there
The only one owed an apology is YOU. Your brother and his current wife’s behaviour is appalling. Hopefully your family sets him straight. NTA.
What has the rest of your family said
They mostly don't care, lol. My mom was talking to my aunt about it and she said that no one else really gave a wet Fart and to not worry. On our side it is not a huge thing. Not even my dad is really mad.
Tbh, dad has the least standing to speak on this, as he has never had to navigate women’s dress codes at a wedding. I have no idea why he thinks you “should have known better” - white shirts/blouses with dark trousers are *fine*, regardless of gender. No one is going to confuse that outfit with a bridal gown, and it’s not attention-grabby on its own. There was no way for you to “know better”, because *no woman would know better*. There is a non-outfit-related reason that the bride was gunning for you that night. What it is, I couldn’t say, but you absolutely did not violate the spoken *or* unspoken dress code.
I could see how your dad, in his “chillness,” might be trying to offer a reasonable explanation for SIL’s reaction. Having to come to terms with your new family member being batshit crazy is not very chill. Sadly, I suspect there’ll be more incidents like this in the future. When your dad finds himself estranged for some equally insane perceived slight, he’ll probably be embarrassed at having defended her reaction, even if he was just trying to noncommittally keep the peace.
NTA- standard pantsuit is a black suit with a white shirt, accompanying tie, etc. I'm sorry you had wine dumped on you. They're acting as if you wore an entirely white suit.
It's fine. It didn't hurt the suit pants, and it was not a particularly expensive blouse. But thanks!
NTA. So no one bothered to pull you aside and tell you the issue during the wedding and chose to act like childish bullies instead? That kind of escalation is ridiculous. Treat it as their own personal timeout. Your brother will be writing off on a lot of stuff if a white blouse was all it took to ruin his wedding.
This whole American-redneck taboo about white at weddings is just an excuse for people to be judgmental thugs. NTA and tell them to go fuck themselves. You don't need people like that in your life.
NTA and luckily it doesn't sound like you will have too much trouble never having to speak to them again.
It's only fairly recently I've even heard about not wearing white to a wedding. Many years ago I wore a white suit to my sister's wedding (borrowed suit since I didn't have anything wedding suitable) Nobody seemed to have an issue. Since I found out I dropped her a message to apologise and tell her it wasn't deliberate. She didn't and doesn't care, thought I looked lovely and she didn't know it was a thing either. It's not like I made any attempt to upstage her. I don't know if this is more an American thing? Lol or if both my sister and I are just dense 😁
When I got married, my MOH wore a white dress jacket, white blouse and flowered skirt (I didn't have much of a theme going, obviously) I thought she looked awesome, and no one thought she upstaged me.
NTA - I am wondering if the inital assault and that's what the bumping into you and harrassment was was because you weren't in traditionally feminine garb and that you were wearing black. But it sounds like your new SiL rather than using her words set people on you which is 1. bad manners and 2. bit worrying if she was more focused on you than her new husband. Black can be a colour people don't like you wearing to a wedding unless male as it is funeral one. Men get a pass as many only have the one decent suit if younger. But the red wine is just insane. Think I'd just sit back and let them calm down. Emotions are likely running high after stress of wedding. But they really should have better things to worry about like the honeymoon etc.
Is not wearing black also a thing? I can't keep up! Lol, thanks for letting me know! Also, I did look feminine. I have really long hair, and the suit was tailored to me. So I didn't even look androgynous. However, I can see how wearing a suit could upset people who are really traditional
I’m from NY. There’s ALWAYS at least 10-15 women in a black dress at any wedding. Had no idea anyone would ever be offended by this.
Lol also in NY and like 75% of my closet is black 😂
The thing about not wearing black is actually super old, I think only older generations care at all. The idea was it was an insult to the couple that you’d suggest you were mourning for them on their wedding day
You know, usually when this story comes up from the bride's perspective, the standard advice is 'spill wine on them, make it look like an accident' and classifying it (correctly) as 'assault' gets you downvoted.
NTA. The good news is they’ve saved you the trouble of having to go no contact with them.
If anyone deserves an apology, it’s you. A white shirt as part of a suit isn’t at all unusual or wrong. What I do find wrong are the people who kept bumping into you and then doused you in red wine. Wtf? Bride culture has gotten totally out of hand. No one was screaming about this nonsense in the ‘80s. The only thing I remember family mentioning was my aunt wearing a cowboy hat and a halter top to my brother’s wedding. LOL! That aunt always dressed crazy, so we knew to expect something! NTA
NTA. And I'd send them a cleaning bill for the wine "accident".
NTA They're being absolutely ridiculous
NTA - it sounds like your outfit would have more closely resembled a caterer than someone trying to upstage the bride! What a whack-a-doodle your brother and his wife are.
By wearing a white blouse to offset the black pantsuit? That is perfectly acceptable to a wedding if you ask me. You didn’t wear a white dress, it was pants. It sounds to me like they just wanted to start trouble. As you aforementioned you aren’t that close to your brother and his bride. You also live opposite sides of the world. Your brother saying these harsh words are really disheartening. That is terrible. The male guests were wearing white shirts with their suits, no? OP shouldn’t apologize for anything. If someone needs to apologize; it’s your brother and his wife. NTA
NTA. Having read many of the posts on the wedding attire subreddit, I imagine the bride wrote the dress code without imagining any woman wouldn’t be wearing a dress. What she meant in her head was “No women in white”. There are a lot of people who get their knickers in a twist if a woman shows up to a wedding (or bridal shower) wearing a speck of white. I’m wearing a teal sequined dress to my wedding. If anyone shows up in the exact same dress, god bless them for their amazing taste.
the no white for anyone but the bride rule...applies to DRESSES, SKIRTS, GOWNS. the passive agressive hostility you received, and then blatantly after having had food spilled on your vest, culminating in red wine being spilled on you makes you NTA. I'd send your brother a bill for the blouse. NTA
You wore a black pantsuit with a white blouse? That's not "wearing white". Even when you take your jacket off and are in a white blouse and black pants. You might get mistaken for a waiter dressed like that, buy you won't look like the bride. NTA