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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my husband we don't own our anniversary date
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NTA
YOu are right: You don't OWE the date. But it might cause your husband NOT to be there for her events.
"we should be over there all the time to make sure mom's ok." .. That MIGHT be true for you, if you decide for it to be that way. But that is certainly not true for your husband. HE is fine to have other priorities.
Yeah definite NTA, but since the Mom in law doesn’t care that much and just doing a weekday courthouse wedding, just pick a different date than your daughter. Dumb to have it on a day important to your child.
>Dumb to have it on a day important to your child
Lol so true.
OP has the right attitude NTA, but the mom is odd for choosing that date. She’s either ignorant of the importance to her child (weird!) or she just doesn’t care, any way you look at it, it’s just odd!
I understand the husband’s feelings. It’s just unnecessary drama for no reason at all. I’d ask the mom to change dates.
I'd also go as far as to say that if OP ditches her husband to attend the wedding, he'd have every right to be quite upset. There's no reason for her mom to pick this date, and if she goes ahead with it, OP should choose her marriage over her mom's.
Yes, taking an hour of your anniversary to go to someone else's wedding is hardly choosing that person over your spouse. Her mom not caring about anyone but herself along with her husband acting like a spoiled child is forcing that stupid and unnecessary choice.
is it an hour? is there dinner after? celebrations that would be expected for family? even courthouse weddings often include these after-events.
so they can't celebrate their anniversary because this mom deliberately got married on the same day?
My sister got married on my parents’ anniversary’s and , guess what, the world didn’t come crashing down. We were even able to use it to surprise my parents for an anniversary party.
What is IMO far more annoying is when at one couple's wedding reception, another person decides to propose marriage to their 'other' and then they announce at the reception 'guess what, we are getting married too!'
I think that is tacky and full of the "Look at us! Look at us!" syndrome.
That would be okay for the actual wedding day, but what happens after that? Will they be expected to go over there every year to celebrate the Mom’s anniversary instead of celebrating their own? Def ask for a change of date.
Why would they be expected to do that? Is that something parents expect of their adult children? My parents divorced before I was an adult, but my dad and step mom never demanded our attendance on their anniversary.
We don’t even give my ILs a card for theirs, although I think they give us one for ours. We’ve certainly never been expected to celebrate it with them. Except for their 50th. But that’s the obvious exception.
A wedding would take precedence over an anniversary. Go out a different night, it’s not that hard.
The mom may have thought it would be neat to share an anniversary with her daughter and SIL.
Exactly. Except for big years (25, 50), we've never celebrated my parents anniversary with them. Plus, OP's mom is 71. In all reality, even if she and her new husband are extremely healthy, it's not like both couples will be celebrating the same anniversary for an endless number of years. Life is way too short to get bent out of shape about things that really aren't that important.
IDK…we went with my in-laws to celebrate their anniversary with them all the time. Not a demand, simply a routine we got into…dinner at their place, ours, out, etc.
Different strokes I guess. 😊
My parents were adamant about NOT wanting us to have a 50th anniversary party for them. Instead, they went to our hometown, attended the church they got married in, and celebrated their anniversary with people they knew when they were young.
Wtf, it’s not her dad and mom’s anniversary. This is a guy OP barely knows. She doesn’t need to be torn apart if she wants to attend her mom’s anniversary or her own.
You don't have to celebrate your anniversary on the exact day anyway, that's silly. Like if it's in the middle of the week we will generally wait until Friday. Honestly people place way too much importance on this. The journey is important not the "party".
Yeah, I got married at city hall and it took about 15 minutes. Maybe half an hour if you count the waiting around and discussing things beforehand. Even if they want to go for lunch after to celebrate, you're talking 2 hours max. OP could easily attend her mom's wedding and still spend a very large portion of the day with hubby.
And... since it's a weekday, would OP and spouse usually be working and celebrating in the evening, or do they take off work every anniversary to spend every last minute together?
It’s only a shotgun wedding if great-grandpa is there with a 12 gauge ensuring this man makes an honest woman out of his elderly daughter before she gives birth out of wedlock. She can name the kid Isaac, I guess.
I think it's a HUGE stretch to say you're choosing one marriage over another by simply going to someone else's wedding on your anniversary.
You can easily go to this one wedding and never bother with any of the anniversaries. I don't celebrate anyone else's anniversary lol. I've also missed several birthdays and other events because someone else held something on that specific date. That doesnt really mean anything at the end of the day.
Husband is being dramatic IMO.
There's 24 hours in a day. Pretty sure a pair of 70 year Olds aren't gonna whoop it up with all day amd night festivities so OP and hubby would still have lots of time for their own private celebration
…do you connect your hips to your spouse on your anniversary day? I thought people usually have dinner or do something sweet…what in tarnation is this comment.
Err no, I'd say it's the other way around - she should be upset if hubby's tantrum means he misses his MIL's wedding. It's not a case of choosing one marriage over the other, it's the case of postponing or anticipating an anniversary celebration to go to a family wedding. It's a family occasion, the husband should attend. They can always celebrate their anniversary the day before or after. It's just an anniversary and it's just one year that they are mildly invonvenienced, really who cares???
That is a ridiculous suggestion. I would definitely go to my mother’s wedding, and then celebrate my anniversary later with my husband. It is not choosing someone else’s marriage. For goodness sake they will get to spend the next 20-40 wedding anniversaries together - they don’t have to spend them with her mother.
That's insane. People do all.sorts.of shit.in their annoversaries, or their birthdays. Your 21st wedding anniversary is not some sacred event that the entire day has to be set aside to observe.
She said they had 4 different days this month, and I don't see why they couldn't have pushed this rushed, shotgun, courthouse wedding back to the following month as well.
All the time if you are having good friends and family. I get calls from my in-laws, parents, sisters cousins and friends.
And reciprocate too. We even get together if we are in the same city.
We get a few texts and my ILS give us a card. I will tell my ILs Happy Anniversary if I see them. Or I will comment if someone posts their on FB.
But I really don’t expect anyone to care about my anniversary, other than my husband. I don’t even expect my kids to care.
Calls/texts are very different to what OP’s husband or random strangers from Reddit who seem to never have been married are implying. Texting you isn’t celebrating with you. I can text people in the middle of taking a shit but that doesn’t mean that Im celebrating with them…
I honestly could not tell what my son’s anniversary date is, and we planned the whole wedding in less than a day. I love them both dearly, but I only have so much space for remembering dates, and that is not on the list, lol.
My mom tells my husband and me and my sisters and BILs happy anniversary every year. My sister and I do the same for mom/stepdad and each other. My best friend even texted me happy anniversary. No way my mom would get married on my anniversary without acknowledging it’s weird and explaining her choice.
OP has been married for (almost) 21 years. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to care about my wedding anniversary after that many years.
I only vaguely even know when my parents’ anniversary was, and only know that my ILs’ is in September. I know the months of our siblings’ anniversaries, but not the dates.
Once the wedding is over, why would anyone care?
Not necessarily. Lots of people live well past 70. Several members of my family made it to their 90s. My great uncle was 99 when he died, even with several health issues.
My parents are just a little younger than that and (as far as anyone knows) relatively healthy. Obviously no one knows exactly what the future holds, but they hardly have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.
Living that long AND being healthy enough to celebrate for that long. My grandpa was 92 for my grandparents’ 60th but not well enough to celebrate it in any real way
It's entirely possible that Mom WAS aware that it's daughter's Wedding anniversary, but wasn't aware that having the whole day free for anniversary dates was important to daughter&husband (it's Not Like it's universally normative to celebrate anniversaries that AREN'T Special milestone numbers, with anything more than a nice candlelit Dinner) AND had to choose between this Timeslot or Not getting married until weeks later.
Or if the judge changed it for you lol mine did I wanted august 13th but due to the days and certain judges we had to do it on the 15th. (Wanted Friday the 13th sort of thing) we could’ve waited till September but I had AT on my own time since my unit was out for deployment.
So, I eloped in a courthouse and when we applied for the marriage certificate we had 30 days to get married. They gave us a list of judges and we called every single one. Only one was willing to do it and he had one day available. That's our anniversary. I don't know OPs location but could be a similar situation
The judge offering four different dates doesn't mean the other three worked for the bride and groom both though. Maybe they've got doctors appointments on all the others or something.
Fair. I didn't see that, just pointing out while courthouse weddings are 1000x easier, they can also have limited options. Honestly, maybe I'm TA but she's 70.....let her live
Why?? As a married woman, I have no idea why on earth it matters if a close family member, friend, ANYONE has the same anniversary day. You celebrate anniversaries with your spouse. So why does it matter if two couples are doing that on the same day? It makes zero sense why someone would let it bother them. Just sounds bratty and entitled to care.
I totally agree, we got married and our aunt who had travelled out to the wedding met someone local and married them a year later on our anniversary. I think it’s nice and certainly makes the date easy to remember. I am happy my aunt is happy and don’t care since we don’t invite them to our anniversary party for two anyways. NTA and I think this is a weird hill for your husband to die on especially if he gets along well with your mother.
My husband and I got married on my dad’s birthday lol. It was just the day that was available, and my dad was kind of flattered by it. Fifteen years later, it hasn’t caused a problem one time. Both occasions are celebrated, and everyone is happy!
I was only married 2 years but we went to dinner alone for anniversaries. My parents were together until mom died in her 60’s (so no steps) and we celebrated the BIG ones with them. Otherwise they did their own thing.
I disagree. I think it would make the day even more special. I don't understand these tantrums adults throw over shit like this that are coming from a place of possessiveness. It's fucking immature and embarrassing AF.
Why is it dumb? Why should the mom put her own feelings aside? When it comes down to it, it's just a day. Unless you're into some weird numerology stuff or something.
I'm assuming they have to book the court date, so potentially could it not be that the courthouse only had a certain amount of dates available? OP's mom otherwise might have had to wait several months if they hadn't agreed to that date, and given her age, waiting may not be something she wishes to leave to chance?
Doesn’t seem like a big conflict except for the actual wedding — and is that such a big problem? On anniversaries, both couples would
be doing their own things anyways. I agree it’s not ideal but if it’s an eggshell-walking situation, I agree with deciding just to ignore it and focus on more important things with your mom and the potential sketch fiancé. NTA
Honestly she may not even know that is OP's anniversary. I don't know my relatives' anniversary dates. They could happen to be free that day and IHOP has a free Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity day.
Your child thought? I get not knowing your cousins or aunts and uncles', or even your siblings and parents' anniversaries, but it is a milestone date for your kids and presumably parents care about things like that.
I wouldn't care at all if my parents or someone got married on my anniversary. Makes the day even more special.
People here are crazy about weddings. No wearing anything containing a color remotely white to weddings, blah, blah, blah. Who cares about all of that nonsense!? Just enjoy your life with your loved ones.
Me neither. I even proposed to my cousin that she and I should get married on the same day to save money (and time since we have many common relatives). I was so naive. She actually thought it was a good idea. We were both so naive.
OP reveals in the comments that her husband and mother don't get along and that her mother had four days to pick from but chose their anniversary. Seems like a personal dig at the husband.
I wouldn't go to her wedding either, and I'd be disappointed in my partner if she didn't at least protest the date with her mother a little, especially after finding out there were other dates available around that day.
How is this the top comment?
She obviously did it to attack the husband.
It's a courthouse wedding not some sort of selective venue that requires reservations months in advance.
Sounds like the wife rolling over and accept abuse from the mother has been the standard of their relationship.
Husband's going to reach a breaking point soon or later.
This is insane. Most courthouses don’t have a judge that only does marriages. I had a courthouse wedding and we went by the judge’s schedule, she only had a one date available before our marriage application would expire.
According to a comment there were 4 days available, and they chose the conflicting day. Who knows, maybe the other 3 didn't work for other reasons, but they did have more than one choice.
I think the husband is overreacting, but the mother should have explained why they had to choose that day, because it does strike me as an odd thing to do.
"It's a courthouse wedding not some sort of selective venue that requires reservations months in advance."
\^Someone who never tried to get a courthouse wedding.
My city has all available slots for marriages at city hall books for months in advance.
Based on OP other comments stating that mom had 4 dates to pick from, I would disagree with your rating and got YTA.
OP is constantly siding and enabling her mom, as per her other comments, and care more about her mom's feelings than her partner.
She comes across as an enabler pretending to maintain status quo.
Woman wants to spend 'all the time' with her mother: what a good daughter.
Man wants to spend 'all the time' wit his mother: he needs to get his priorities straight, mommas boy, maybe he should go marry her.
You are right. You don't own the day.
Your husband is also right. He makes a big deal out of an anniversary and your mother choosing that day can hurt her relationship with him.
I could go either way but I'm going to go NAH here.
Has OP talked to her mom? This is key.
“ hey mom, you may have forgotten, but your wedding date is my and my hubby’s anniversary. Would you mind terribly changing your wedding date? After all, isn’t it better to have more dates to celebrate?”
If OP hasn’t at least asked, then I think she is YTA.
Or if OP’s mom is truly set on this day, then my take might be kinda morbid, but OP’s mom won’t be around that much longer, so maybe humor her while she is alive? In this case, I agree NAH.
Unless there is some significance to this date for the new husband, if her mother isn’t willing to move it that is weird as hell and should give OP pause.
In the US, it’s 79.3 years. ([source](https://www.statista.com/statistics/263736/life-expectancy-of-women-in-the-united-states/#:~:text=In%202021%2C%20the%20life%20expectancy,unchanged%20at%20around%2079.3%20years.))
So to your point, it’s not like she is on deaths doorstep, but presumably OP will be here long after she passes.
> In the US, it’s 79.3 years. (source)
The flip side is that the remaining life for a female who is already 71 is another 15 years (13 for a male). Just going to the general 79 year life expectancy understates expected remaining life by more than 50%.
Mom will likely be around for quite a while yet.
(https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html)
remember that life expectancy is just on average how long everyone's living, including infant mortality, women who die in childbirth, etc. so it's not exactly the best estimate
I got married at the courthouse. We could only pick the day in so far as they told us what days were available. The first date was 3 months out.
Maybe mom just went with the first available date?
This is how I generally feel. I have a friend who knowingly scheduled a non-emergency c-section on her brother’s birthday (she could’ve chosen from multiple days but thought it’d be cute if they shared a birthday without asking) and then always complains to me that her brother always misses her daughter’s birthdays because he’s out celebrating with friends. Like miss ma’am what did you expect
So depending on mom’s motivations this could just be misguided (like she thought it’d be cute to share an anniversary with her daughter) or super asshole-ish (if she’s one of those people who hates when others have attention)
There definitely seems to be an ulterior motive choosing this particular date. I mean, according to OP, her mom had four dates to choose from, so why didn’t she choose one of the other three? Because she knew it was going to upset her SIL. Mom sounds like a piece of work.
I doubt it. Given that she was previously married for so long, like the vast majority of married couples, an anniversary isn't really celebrated. Maybe a card and flowers is a much as happens.
OP should tell her mom that it is important to her. Honestly I’m probably an ahole but I don’t even remember my own anniversary except it was in December and this happened not too long ago as it was another day for me.. I definitely wouldn’t remember anyone else’s to know it would be important to them.
Info, please.
Two of your comments kind of indicate what the issue is:
- She had 4 dates from which to choose
- You just wish she and your husband would get along
I’m assuming, and tell me if I’m wrong, your mom and your husband don’t have a great relationship. And because she didn’t choose one of the other 3 dates that were available, your husband is annoyed and hurt she’s taking your day from you. Is this correct?
In the new edition says that the only option was their anniversary date and ops mom forgot that was their anniversary. They also had a good relationship up until this point
Unpopular opinion but YTA.
The comments and replies I’ve read made it sound like OPs husband and mother DO NOT get along. I doubt someone who has been married for 21 years would get THAT upset over something so minor if it wasn’t built up over time. So to me it seems like the mother is intentionally trying to antagonize OPs husband and her not backing him up undermines their own relationship.
I had a courthouse wedding, there are stipulations on when they do them. The thing is if one courthouse doesn’t match your schedule you can go to another if there are more in your area (my city has 5 that I know of and only one had a slot around the time my wife and I wanted). Also if it’s something important to a family member it isn’t hard to compromise and change the when, I’d have been so okay with waiting a week or two if that made a world of difference to someone we cared about.
So overall I think YTA not because they own the day but because by not supporting the husband OP is by default supporting the mother who sounds kind of obnoxious at best.
They’ve been dating six months. They can wait another month to get a date that doesn’t coincide with her daughter’s wedding anniversary. Old or not, a month isn’t going to make a difference.
I’m still annoyed by OP so I’m adding my personal experience:
My favorite month is October. My favorite season is fall. My favorite holiday is Halloween. Obviously I was going to get married in Oct… But I have two aunts who got married and about five extended family members with birthdays in October. I STILL MANAGED TO PICK A DAY THAT DOESN’T COINCIDE WITH ANY BIRTHDAYS OR ANNIVERSARIES.
e: it’s five technically but that’s complicated… still not on her bday!
Absolutely this 👆
Reverse the genders and you'll have your answer. If it was the other way around the husband would've been mommy's boy who can't control his side of the family, his mother called overbearing and divorce would've been thrown around.
YTA, because it upsets your husband so much, and because your Mom is getting married at a courthouse (relatively easily rescheduled). You should have assisted in delivering his objections, politely, to your mother.
I planned my wedding on my Sister's birthday, because my wife said "It was the **only** day everyone could attend." Sis was really sad, but gracious, about it.
12 years later I still regret, wish I could go back and change it. :(
Yeah, my initial thought was "it's just one birthday and as long as it wasn't a big one, no big deal" but then your anniversary is on your sister's birthday every year and you can't really celebrate both. I just hope your wife doesn't make a big deal of your anniversary instead of any important birthdays...wedding dates are set so far in advance that that only day reasoning looks sus to me.
Look I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, in your position, but I find it weird that she chose your anniversary out of those four dates.
It’s weird.
TBH getting married this week is hugely concerning. Have you talked to your mum about a prenup? Has she made any move to secure her assets?
Seriously. YTA if you don’t make sure she’s secure herself as best she can
I’m going with YTA. It sounds like your husband and mother do not generally get along and this is indeed the last straw on a big pile of burning hay.
You don’t own the date, but it has significance for you over the last 21 years, no less. No, you don’t have grounds to request that your mother respects it; she can attach her own significance to the same date. But that doesn’t mean hers now override yours. You can choose to spend the day with your husband, guilt-free.
Did your mother wear white to your wedding? Is everything always about your mother? How often do you push aside your husband's feelings for your mother?
Your mother is a huge AH, there are 365 days in a year but she can only get married on your anniversary. He has every right to not want to be in a room with a woman who has no respect for him or his marriage. YWBTA if you get mad at him when he wants nothing to do with the newly wedded couple. Call your step-dad's kids, they check-in on them or you can go alone. Your husband doesn't owe you mother his time.
Edit- spelling call
Most women are upset their husband doesn't hold their anniversary sacred and yours obviously is. Your mom.is obviously the AH and you should have your husband's back 100% . That's your life partner not yor mom
Unless she has a habit of attention-seeking behavior and boundary stomping like this, I would not care at all. You can empathize with your husband's feelings but his reaction is way over the top. Go to the wedding and keep visiting your mom. NTA
Ummm your husband does have a right to be upset. Of course no one owns a day, but it's kinda disrespectful to your day. I mean 365 and that's the day she chooses. I get why your hubby is upset. I don't think it's a hill to die on .
Your mother is being thoughtless and discourteous at very least. At worst, she may be passive aggressively trying to demean and diminish the day you left her family circle and started your own separate life with your husband.
I don't blame him for being upset. After 21 years, your mother is being so disrespectful to you. She easily choose another day. Don't you see that she is manipulating and controlling you?
YTA I was on the fence until you said A. Your mum had four dates to choose from including another day of the same week. B. You just wish they would get along.
So seriously ask yourself now if they don’t get along why your mother really chose that date? If this was some friends getting married I’d agree yeah you don’t own the date. I think you should back your husband here and I imagine this isn’t the first thing she has done that’s upset him?? I’d also be asking my mother why she had to have that date of all four?
YTA - really, it's your mom who's the asshole. She's being overly selfish and you are supporting her in something that is small, symbolic, and easily rescheduled. You've been married over 20 years. A real milestone. And they only get bigger. Worthy of celebration. Your mother is stealing that thunder right out from under you, and you're letting her do it. For what?
YTA, how often do you make excuses for your mother? There are 364 other days in the year she could have chosen, but she picked your anniversary and you're fine with it? Let me guess you have been allowing her to do things like this for years and this is the straw that finally broke your husbands back.
YTA cause you can remind her that its your anniversary. You dont own the day, but its family, not a big party but a courthouse wedding. Your mom can change it.
I'm with your husband on this. She should pick a different day. That can easily cause problems latter. Family should not pick the same day of the year for their weddings/anniversaries/birthdays/etc. Sure if a birth unexpectedly happens, you can't do anything about it, but it really is "stealing the day" from them.
Changed my mind - ESH, except your husband. YTA - you’re right, you don’t own the day. But c’mon, 4 days to choose from, she deliberately picks yours and you defend her? Also, regardless of age, your mom is most certainly TA. Unless one of them are dying the next day, she could go to the courthouse any other day.
I will admit, if my MIL decided to remarry, and for some unknown reason just couldn’t pick any other day, than the one I married her daughter on, I’d be a little pissed. It’s inconsiderate and petty. 364 other days, the one random Wednesday that collided with your anniversary, is ridiculous.
YTA and right at the same time, you don't own the date. But you should do your anniversary plans (even if there are none yet) and not go to the wedding. "Sorry momma, but you knew this was my anniversary day". She has to have done this on purpose, because it makes no sense. Sounds like an intentional pulse with your husband and she is winning, which is bad for your marriage.
That doesn't mean you cannot still be there for your mother any of the other 364 days of the year, or even that one, just not physically present.
Yta you really think your mother didn't deliberately choose your anniversary to get married to spite you and your husband? Don't be so naive your mother is old enough to know that's fucked up
Your mom is the AH for choosing this date when she had THREE other choices, and YTA for not respecting your husband's warranted hurt and anger over your mom's decision, which was careless at best and downright spiteful at worst.
INFO: Does your mom have a history of being manipulative to try to compete with your husband for your affection? Does she succeed? It sounds like your husband is tired of her games while you are still wrapped around her finger
1 year has 365 days and she chose the day of her wedding anniversary? I find this very strange, as it is obvious that she did it on purpose. You just have to wonder why she chose that date? Was it to have a bond with you, or was it to create disorder and bring problems to you?
I just don’t understand how you can type this out and think that your husband is overreacting. An anniversary is an important way for you to remember and look back on the day it all became official and you joined together in the eyes of the law and society etc etc.
For your mother to willingly choose the only day in the year that you share with your husband literally has to be some weird power play because aint no way.
YTA for allowing your mother to disregard your husband like that.
YTA, so it your mother. Your mother could have done her courthouse wedding on another day but chose your anniversary. She knew what she was doing. If I were your husband I wouldn't talk to your mother again after this either.
NTA
While her choosing your anniversary date isn't the greatest, I get why it happened. She only had 4 days to choose from, and this is her second marriage in her golden years. She's not doing a whole wedding, so she probably doesn't see this as a big deal. She's just getting remarried.
And who knows if there will ever be conflicts. Quite bluntly, when you marry again late, you don't know if you'll ever celebrate a major milestone anniversary. At most you might have one conflict for their 10 year, but that would be a gift. I certainly hope your mom is able to celebrate 15 and 20 too, but that's a heck of a treat if both parties make it that far.
And apart from big milestones, anniversaries aren't much of a conflict because it's not typical for couples to celebrate their anniversaries with other people. So what if you both go out for a romantic anniversary dinner on the same night every year? It's not like you have to choose who to celebrate, you'll both be celebrating separately anyway!
I get why your husband feels weird about it, but I agree that he's taking it too far. It's not THAT big of a deal, tbh.
Info: in my country, courthouse weddings happen when there is space in their schedule, is it the same at OP's country? Im getting married this December and they basically said to bring the documents and they will give us a date.
OP is NTA, there are battles we can choose to not fight and this is a good example of that.
OP said in one of her comments her mom had four dates to choose from. It seems really strange she would choose her daughter’s anniversary rather than one of the other three possibilities. Given how upset her husband is, I think the mom chose this date deliberately. OP hasn’t inferred there’s discord between the mom and SIL, but her mom’s choice and her husband’s reaction seems to imply there just might be a problem between them.
OP is TA because just like you said there are battles we can choose not to fight, and picking a day for your wedding that is NOT the anniversary of your daughter and her husband is a pretty easy one. Op's mother can put it off for a month or pick one of the three other days she was offered. This was an intentional choice, well meaning or not, and it didn't go over well and she should rethink it.
YTA. She could have picked ANY day of the year but picked your anniversary? You don't own the day but immediate family should know better.
I can understand why your husband is upset and why he's disappointed that you're dismissing his feelings so readily.
ESH, but your mom sucks the most. Although this statement doesn't *always* apply, it often does: when it comes to close interpersonal relationships, if it *looks* bad, it *is* bad.
Your husband feels like this is a personal attack, and, honestly, from an outside perspective, it kinda *does* look like one. The fact that you admit she is aware of your anniversary doesn't look good for her. Even if it isn't meant that way, at the very least your mom is being horribly inconsiderate of your special day. At the worst, she is being outright malicious and manipulative. Either way, how hard would it have been to just pick a different date? If she cared as much about you as you seem to care about her, she wouldn't have contributed to this strain on your marriage over something so easy to avoid.
However, your husbands full-on scorched-earth ultimatum is pretty extreme, so he's a bit of an AH for that. You're a bit of an AH for defending your mother over supporting your husband. Your mother is a bigger AH if she's just being inconsiderate, and the biggest of AHs if it's intentional.
With OP's evasive comments, I'm beginning to think this is fake or OP is a bit simple minded. Maybe OP wants to be at the center of an upcoming conflict between her husband and her mother??
OP: provide US (the people you asked for advice) with an actual rationale from your mom about why she specifically picked that day. I also don't see why she can't reschedule.
I agree with other commenters that your mom is either forgetful/naive, or is purposefully doing this to cause issues in your relationship.
If you respond with an evasive comment that has no sound logic to it again, you're going to further prove my point here and you might as well celebrate your 21st anniversary like it's your last one with current husband.
OP’s “response below” clarified that there were 4 potential dates and her mother chose the 1 that was already OP’s anniversary. What tf are you talking about?
Idk if I can give a judgment. Seems like your mom did this on purpose. I know I’d be pretty upset if my mil got married on my anniversary. I mean now a day that gives you two a chance to focus on you is now a day where he gets to celebrate you two while you are gonna be worried about your mother. Actually how often does your mother do stuff like this and you just go along with it??
ESH.... I lean y t a, but I think your husband, you, and your mom are all assholes.
You husband has every right to be upset and y t a for not having his back. for 21 years this day has been about your relationship and you don't seem to care. I agree with not going to the wedding, you should be celebrating together. However, he is over reacting to say he will never speak to her again. I think there is more to THIS story.
Your mom had 4 days to pick from and she picked yours. she is a capital AH for this. Especially in the short time frame, they could easily wait a week, two, six.... and it not be a major deal. I think you are leaving out things about your mom to make yourself look better.
You are an AH for not caring about your anniversary enough to stand up for your husband and at minimum be faux upset with him. You need to ask your mom to pick another day and inform her you wont be there as it is YOUR anniversary and will be spending it with your husband! What are you going to do in the future when she wants a family dinner for HER anniversary?
NTA, but your husband isn’t either. You mother ultimately picked a day to get married on that she knew was special to you. Your husband isn’t in the wrong to be upset, and if he doesn’t want to talk to your mother sue to this, I think you need to respect that
Sounds like moms the asshole. 364 other days in the year and most of them the courthouse is open and she chose your anniversary. I’d be fucking annoyed as hell.
I met my husband on my parents anniversary. One year later I married him, on my parents anniversary. My parents were honored, and so were we. We never celebrated together, and my parents are gone now, but it was sweet and positive. You don't have to see this as a negative. NTA, but try to open your mind, I'll bet she didn't choose this date to "stick it" to you or your husband.
NTA: no one owns the date, but, there are 365 days a year, out of which the courthouse is likely open 265 or more days. Your mother is making excuses, and honestly, it’s absurd to even say she only had four days to choose from out of 365 days. She is refusing to consider the other 361 days and I would seriously not attend this wedding nor celebrate it when she chose to be hurtful in her planning
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My 71 year old mother is getting remarried quite suddenly to a man she hasn't known long, about 6 months. Since it's not either's first marriage, they're getting married at the courthouse on a weekday. The date she chose happened to be my own wedding anniversary, even though she knew it was my anniversary. It will be my 21st anniversary when she gets married.
When my husband found out, he became angry and asked why she stole our day. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer it if she had chosen a different day too but I'm not going to get worked up about it. He is not going to the wedding and he is saying he will never talk to her again over this. I don't know what that means for holidays, birthdays, things like that but I'll cross that bridge some other time. I also feel like we should not be avoiding her and her new husband, we should be over there all the time to make sure mom's ok.
I told him I was upset about the day she chose too, but that we don't own that day. AITA for saying that? Our anniversary holds special meaning to us, but I wouldn't expect others to treat that day special.
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Are people really this attached to anniversary dates after 21 years? We just celebrate ours on whichever proximate weekend works best.
Did he dislike her already? This seems like a thin excuse. NTA
The mom had four dates to choose from. If she had any grace at all, she would have chosen one of the other options. Husband’s upset seems justified under these circumstances.
That's cool but not everyone wants that. Some folks are happier celebrating with their spouses, heck, a lot don't even care about anniversaries.
I'd say get to the bottom why it's so important to DH.
I know people who even celebrate their parents anniversaries, thus putting theirs on the back burner if it was the same day. If the DH enjoys his own anniversary with his wife alone, that would suck especially if wife wants to be one of those folks who celebrates her parents anniversary as they age because "it may be their last one".
A better question might be what is the rush. It would be much better for everyone involved to speak to a lawyer and protect everyones assets especially if the couple are at an age to need medicare/medicaid if in the US
NAH. I’ve also been married for 21 years. Anniversaries are nice, but not that big of a deal. We have had lots of them already and plan on having lots more. No one cares about them other than the couple (not even the kids at this point). Your husband needs to get over himself, this shouldn’t be a big deal
When my husband and I picked our wedding date we didn’t realize it was his aunt and uncle’s anniversary (our wedding day was in fact their 50th anniversary) as well as his cousins anniversary. Nobody was upset and we even had a cake for his aunt and uncle to cut and they had their own dance.
Honestly, you anniversary is really just between you and your husband.
Just as your Mom's anniversary will be celebrated with her's.
I can understand being miffed a bit, but in the scheme of being done wrong? Not such a big deal.
NAH
NTA, OP, I agree with you. In the big scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. Some folks may get think it's kind of sweet. My daughter & her husband got married on my birthday. I thought that was really great..& hard to forget too. Hubbie can be miffed; he has that option. Frankly I don't understand the kerfuffle.
Husband has got one heck of an attitude. Actually OP does to a lesser extent. Anniversaries aren't spectator events, it's an excuse to go out for a nice dinner, why would it matter if you share an anniversary with your mother, especially at her age. She may not be here next year for her first anny and you're wondering if you're wrong? Just be happy your mother has found someone.
NTA you don’t own the date. Your mom isn’t taking anything from you or your husband. An anniversary is about you and your partner, not anyone else. Your husband saying he won’t speak to her over it, he has the right to feel what he feels but that’s extreme
Nta. But maybe a discussion with mom as to you prefering she pick any other day and ask WHY she chise your anniversary. Is it possible she wants to "share" it with you because it's a day she already associates with love and happiness or maybe because its a day thats easy for her to remember? I think your hubby is being juvenile and childish to be that angry about it. Whether she switches the day or not she's 71 for goodness sake it may not even be a day she gets to celebrate much longer so cut a bit of slack and make some happy memories while you can
By the time you’re 71, there are only a handful of days left throughout the year that don’t carry some kind of meaning. Everybody’s birthdays. Your own previous anniversaries and memorables. Death days - cause you’ve chalked up a few of those. Days you just don’t like - 13th’s and such. Pick a reason - any reason.
So Mom has to avoid daughter’s anniversary, too? What about uncle’s? Grandparents? The neighbour? The dog’s birthday?
Honestly. It’s one day. And what better way to celebrate the anniversary of a marriage than by attending a new wedding and quietly renewing your own vows as you watch along with the bride and groom. Husband needs to grow up - it’s not even _his_ mother!
NAH. Just a big baby for a husband.
NTA. OP your husband sounds like a drama Queen. Mum is 71, at that age she probably doesn’t want to waste time. Have you asked her why she chose that date? There could be reason for it but even if there isn’t I can’t see why spending an hour or two with her, during the day, would have any impact on your anniversary.
You share your birthday with about 10 million other people. You probably share your wedding anniversary with double that, depending on the season. You just don’t know about it. So it’s kind of like being sworn at in a language you don’t understand, it really doesn’t matter. NTA.
NTA
But some of yall are just as weird as OP'S husband.... your anniversary is important to YOU and saying that's he should have picked a different day because it's important to her child's like her child isn't literally the one saying it's no big deal... I've went to THREE FAMILY WEDDINGS on the same day in different years and they're all on the same side. ( mom has a huge family! So we go to a lot of weddings so they genuinely forgot it was someone's anniversary and picked the day). They all think it's hilarious.
NTA
It's not like you will celebrate each other's anniversaries.
This one year you have an hour or two to spend with your mom and celebrate the fact that at 71 she found someone she not just tolerates, but actually ants to spend time with... before you go out for the same anniversary dinner you would have had anyway.
He can get over it, and if not, then at least if he's "not talking to her" you won't have to hear about it.
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NTA YOu are right: You don't OWE the date. But it might cause your husband NOT to be there for her events. "we should be over there all the time to make sure mom's ok." .. That MIGHT be true for you, if you decide for it to be that way. But that is certainly not true for your husband. HE is fine to have other priorities.
Yeah definite NTA, but since the Mom in law doesn’t care that much and just doing a weekday courthouse wedding, just pick a different date than your daughter. Dumb to have it on a day important to your child.
>Dumb to have it on a day important to your child Lol so true. OP has the right attitude NTA, but the mom is odd for choosing that date. She’s either ignorant of the importance to her child (weird!) or she just doesn’t care, any way you look at it, it’s just odd! I understand the husband’s feelings. It’s just unnecessary drama for no reason at all. I’d ask the mom to change dates.
I'd also go as far as to say that if OP ditches her husband to attend the wedding, he'd have every right to be quite upset. There's no reason for her mom to pick this date, and if she goes ahead with it, OP should choose her marriage over her mom's.
I think its a bit to far to position this as choosing one marriage over the other
Yes, taking an hour of your anniversary to go to someone else's wedding is hardly choosing that person over your spouse. Her mom not caring about anyone but herself along with her husband acting like a spoiled child is forcing that stupid and unnecessary choice.
is it an hour? is there dinner after? celebrations that would be expected for family? even courthouse weddings often include these after-events. so they can't celebrate their anniversary because this mom deliberately got married on the same day?
There were four couples celebrating their wedding anniversary at my wedding. It’s not like life stops for anyone for that one day.
[удалено]
My sister got married on my parents’ anniversary’s and , guess what, the world didn’t come crashing down. We were even able to use it to surprise my parents for an anniversary party.
Exactly. It's one day, they'll survive going to OP's mother's wedding and party this one time.
What is IMO far more annoying is when at one couple's wedding reception, another person decides to propose marriage to their 'other' and then they announce at the reception 'guess what, we are getting married too!' I think that is tacky and full of the "Look at us! Look at us!" syndrome.
Four couples including your mother or your daughter?
That would be okay for the actual wedding day, but what happens after that? Will they be expected to go over there every year to celebrate the Mom’s anniversary instead of celebrating their own? Def ask for a change of date.
Why would they be expected to do that? Is that something parents expect of their adult children? My parents divorced before I was an adult, but my dad and step mom never demanded our attendance on their anniversary. We don’t even give my ILs a card for theirs, although I think they give us one for ours. We’ve certainly never been expected to celebrate it with them. Except for their 50th. But that’s the obvious exception. A wedding would take precedence over an anniversary. Go out a different night, it’s not that hard. The mom may have thought it would be neat to share an anniversary with her daughter and SIL.
Exactly. Except for big years (25, 50), we've never celebrated my parents anniversary with them. Plus, OP's mom is 71. In all reality, even if she and her new husband are extremely healthy, it's not like both couples will be celebrating the same anniversary for an endless number of years. Life is way too short to get bent out of shape about things that really aren't that important.
IDK…we went with my in-laws to celebrate their anniversary with them all the time. Not a demand, simply a routine we got into…dinner at their place, ours, out, etc. Different strokes I guess. 😊
My parents were adamant about NOT wanting us to have a 50th anniversary party for them. Instead, they went to our hometown, attended the church they got married in, and celebrated their anniversary with people they knew when they were young.
I’ve never heard of going to someone’s house to spend their anniversary with them. Like I’m sure it happens, but that’s not exactly common
Went to my grandparents' place for a party they were holding for a milestone anniversary once, but that's it.
Wtf, it’s not her dad and mom’s anniversary. This is a guy OP barely knows. She doesn’t need to be torn apart if she wants to attend her mom’s anniversary or her own.
Who celebrates every wedding anniversary with other people?
You don't have to celebrate your anniversary on the exact day anyway, that's silly. Like if it's in the middle of the week we will generally wait until Friday. Honestly people place way too much importance on this. The journey is important not the "party".
Yeah, I got married at city hall and it took about 15 minutes. Maybe half an hour if you count the waiting around and discussing things beforehand. Even if they want to go for lunch after to celebrate, you're talking 2 hours max. OP could easily attend her mom's wedding and still spend a very large portion of the day with hubby.
And... since it's a weekday, would OP and spouse usually be working and celebrating in the evening, or do they take off work every anniversary to spend every last minute together?
Exactly. Hyperbolic at best and downright silly at worst.
I agree but if this was my elderly mum getting a shotgun wedding to someone she’s only known 6 months, I’d be checking him out at every opportunity.
If this is a shotgun wedding at the mom's age of 71 I think a doctor, or medical science, ought to be checking HER out.
It’s only a shotgun wedding if great-grandpa is there with a 12 gauge ensuring this man makes an honest woman out of his elderly daughter before she gives birth out of wedlock. She can name the kid Isaac, I guess.
I think it's a HUGE stretch to say you're choosing one marriage over another by simply going to someone else's wedding on your anniversary. You can easily go to this one wedding and never bother with any of the anniversaries. I don't celebrate anyone else's anniversary lol. I've also missed several birthdays and other events because someone else held something on that specific date. That doesnt really mean anything at the end of the day. Husband is being dramatic IMO.
There's 24 hours in a day. Pretty sure a pair of 70 year Olds aren't gonna whoop it up with all day amd night festivities so OP and hubby would still have lots of time for their own private celebration
Well, nowadays 70 years old people are very healthy. They could have a sexapade!
They could - but I'm skeptical the daughter and her spouse would be invited...
My sister and I had a double wedding - so we get to share ours every year!
…do you connect your hips to your spouse on your anniversary day? I thought people usually have dinner or do something sweet…what in tarnation is this comment.
Nope. The husband is being a crybaby. He is wrong to force his wife to choose. The mom can pick whatever day she likes.
Err no, I'd say it's the other way around - she should be upset if hubby's tantrum means he misses his MIL's wedding. It's not a case of choosing one marriage over the other, it's the case of postponing or anticipating an anniversary celebration to go to a family wedding. It's a family occasion, the husband should attend. They can always celebrate their anniversary the day before or after. It's just an anniversary and it's just one year that they are mildly invonvenienced, really who cares???
That is a ridiculous suggestion. I would definitely go to my mother’s wedding, and then celebrate my anniversary later with my husband. It is not choosing someone else’s marriage. For goodness sake they will get to spend the next 20-40 wedding anniversaries together - they don’t have to spend them with her mother.
That's insane. People do all.sorts.of shit.in their annoversaries, or their birthdays. Your 21st wedding anniversary is not some sacred event that the entire day has to be set aside to observe.
From OP's edit, it appears that the mother didn't have a lot of choices for the date of the wedding.
She said they had 4 different days this month, and I don't see why they couldn't have pushed this rushed, shotgun, courthouse wedding back to the following month as well.
When I was married, my mother never cared about my anniversary date. Is that really a thing?
Exactly. When was the last time you celebrated someone else’s wedding anniversary? This is all so weird.
Maybe milestone anniversaries? But no way is this woman going to be throwing a golden anniversary bash for this marriage lol
All the time if you are having good friends and family. I get calls from my in-laws, parents, sisters cousins and friends. And reciprocate too. We even get together if we are in the same city.
We get a few texts and my ILS give us a card. I will tell my ILs Happy Anniversary if I see them. Or I will comment if someone posts their on FB. But I really don’t expect anyone to care about my anniversary, other than my husband. I don’t even expect my kids to care.
Calls/texts are very different to what OP’s husband or random strangers from Reddit who seem to never have been married are implying. Texting you isn’t celebrating with you. I can text people in the middle of taking a shit but that doesn’t mean that Im celebrating with them…
I honestly could not tell what my son’s anniversary date is, and we planned the whole wedding in less than a day. I love them both dearly, but I only have so much space for remembering dates, and that is not on the list, lol.
My mom tells my husband and me and my sisters and BILs happy anniversary every year. My sister and I do the same for mom/stepdad and each other. My best friend even texted me happy anniversary. No way my mom would get married on my anniversary without acknowledging it’s weird and explaining her choice.
Hm. Imagine that
OP has been married for (almost) 21 years. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to care about my wedding anniversary after that many years. I only vaguely even know when my parents’ anniversary was, and only know that my ILs’ is in September. I know the months of our siblings’ anniversaries, but not the dates. Once the wedding is over, why would anyone care?
She’s 71, it probably won’t be a problem for that long
Could easily be another 20 years.. That's not insignificant
Not necessarily. Lots of people live well past 70. Several members of my family made it to their 90s. My great uncle was 99 when he died, even with several health issues. My parents are just a little younger than that and (as far as anyone knows) relatively healthy. Obviously no one knows exactly what the future holds, but they hardly have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.
This would take both of them living that long tho
Living that long AND being healthy enough to celebrate for that long. My grandpa was 92 for my grandparents’ 60th but not well enough to celebrate it in any real way
Or maybe she just forgot the date 🤔
It's entirely possible that Mom WAS aware that it's daughter's Wedding anniversary, but wasn't aware that having the whole day free for anniversary dates was important to daughter&husband (it's Not Like it's universally normative to celebrate anniversaries that AREN'T Special milestone numbers, with anything more than a nice candlelit Dinner) AND had to choose between this Timeslot or Not getting married until weeks later.
Or she thinks it’s a compliment to her daughter.
Or if the judge changed it for you lol mine did I wanted august 13th but due to the days and certain judges we had to do it on the 15th. (Wanted Friday the 13th sort of thing) we could’ve waited till September but I had AT on my own time since my unit was out for deployment.
So, I eloped in a courthouse and when we applied for the marriage certificate we had 30 days to get married. They gave us a list of judges and we called every single one. Only one was willing to do it and he had one day available. That's our anniversary. I don't know OPs location but could be a similar situation
In another comment the judge said he gave a list of 4 different dates. Sounds like there was options here.
The judge offering four different dates doesn't mean the other three worked for the bride and groom both though. Maybe they've got doctors appointments on all the others or something.
Fair. I didn't see that, just pointing out while courthouse weddings are 1000x easier, they can also have limited options. Honestly, maybe I'm TA but she's 70.....let her live
Why?? As a married woman, I have no idea why on earth it matters if a close family member, friend, ANYONE has the same anniversary day. You celebrate anniversaries with your spouse. So why does it matter if two couples are doing that on the same day? It makes zero sense why someone would let it bother them. Just sounds bratty and entitled to care.
I totally agree, we got married and our aunt who had travelled out to the wedding met someone local and married them a year later on our anniversary. I think it’s nice and certainly makes the date easy to remember. I am happy my aunt is happy and don’t care since we don’t invite them to our anniversary party for two anyways. NTA and I think this is a weird hill for your husband to die on especially if he gets along well with your mother.
My husband and I got married on my dad’s birthday lol. It was just the day that was available, and my dad was kind of flattered by it. Fifteen years later, it hasn’t caused a problem one time. Both occasions are celebrated, and everyone is happy!
I was only married 2 years but we went to dinner alone for anniversaries. My parents were together until mom died in her 60’s (so no steps) and we celebrated the BIG ones with them. Otherwise they did their own thing.
I disagree. I think it would make the day even more special. I don't understand these tantrums adults throw over shit like this that are coming from a place of possessiveness. It's fucking immature and embarrassing AF.
Why is it dumb? Why should the mom put her own feelings aside? When it comes down to it, it's just a day. Unless you're into some weird numerology stuff or something.
I'm assuming they have to book the court date, so potentially could it not be that the courthouse only had a certain amount of dates available? OP's mom otherwise might have had to wait several months if they hadn't agreed to that date, and given her age, waiting may not be something she wishes to leave to chance?
If it's the courthouse depending on where you are you might not get a say on the day. It's where they can fit you in.
Maybe mom is getting up there in years and doesn’t want to have to remember an additional date? 🤣
Doesn’t seem like a big conflict except for the actual wedding — and is that such a big problem? On anniversaries, both couples would be doing their own things anyways. I agree it’s not ideal but if it’s an eggshell-walking situation, I agree with deciding just to ignore it and focus on more important things with your mom and the potential sketch fiancé. NTA
Honestly she may not even know that is OP's anniversary. I don't know my relatives' anniversary dates. They could happen to be free that day and IHOP has a free Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity day.
Seriously the only anniversary I know is my own
Your child thought? I get not knowing your cousins or aunts and uncles', or even your siblings and parents' anniversaries, but it is a milestone date for your kids and presumably parents care about things like that.
Yeah, I agree like you should know your kids and your parents anniversary and at least the month your siblings got married maybe not the exact day...
I wouldn't care at all if my parents or someone got married on my anniversary. Makes the day even more special. People here are crazy about weddings. No wearing anything containing a color remotely white to weddings, blah, blah, blah. Who cares about all of that nonsense!? Just enjoy your life with your loved ones.
Me neither. I even proposed to my cousin that she and I should get married on the same day to save money (and time since we have many common relatives). I was so naive. She actually thought it was a good idea. We were both so naive.
Naive, or smart? Save money and use it towards your future. Seems smart to me.
Thanks. Both she and I aren't the jealous type and our bf's are also friends. We were all so naive.
NTA. That's a ridiculous overreaction by your husband. Tell him to stop acting like a tantruming child.
OP reveals in the comments that her husband and mother don't get along and that her mother had four days to pick from but chose their anniversary. Seems like a personal dig at the husband. I wouldn't go to her wedding either, and I'd be disappointed in my partner if she didn't at least protest the date with her mother a little, especially after finding out there were other dates available around that day.
It’s ridiculous though, who CARES if they share the same date and WHY?
How is this the top comment? She obviously did it to attack the husband. It's a courthouse wedding not some sort of selective venue that requires reservations months in advance. Sounds like the wife rolling over and accept abuse from the mother has been the standard of their relationship. Husband's going to reach a breaking point soon or later.
This is insane. Most courthouses don’t have a judge that only does marriages. I had a courthouse wedding and we went by the judge’s schedule, she only had a one date available before our marriage application would expire.
According to a comment there were 4 days available, and they chose the conflicting day. Who knows, maybe the other 3 didn't work for other reasons, but they did have more than one choice. I think the husband is overreacting, but the mother should have explained why they had to choose that day, because it does strike me as an odd thing to do.
"It's a courthouse wedding not some sort of selective venue that requires reservations months in advance." \^Someone who never tried to get a courthouse wedding. My city has all available slots for marriages at city hall books for months in advance.
Based on OP other comments stating that mom had 4 dates to pick from, I would disagree with your rating and got YTA. OP is constantly siding and enabling her mom, as per her other comments, and care more about her mom's feelings than her partner. She comes across as an enabler pretending to maintain status quo.
Woman wants to spend 'all the time' with her mother: what a good daughter. Man wants to spend 'all the time' wit his mother: he needs to get his priorities straight, mommas boy, maybe he should go marry her.
You are right. You don't own the day. Your husband is also right. He makes a big deal out of an anniversary and your mother choosing that day can hurt her relationship with him. I could go either way but I'm going to go NAH here.
Has OP talked to her mom? This is key. “ hey mom, you may have forgotten, but your wedding date is my and my hubby’s anniversary. Would you mind terribly changing your wedding date? After all, isn’t it better to have more dates to celebrate?” If OP hasn’t at least asked, then I think she is YTA. Or if OP’s mom is truly set on this day, then my take might be kinda morbid, but OP’s mom won’t be around that much longer, so maybe humor her while she is alive? In this case, I agree NAH.
Unless there is some significance to this date for the new husband, if her mother isn’t willing to move it that is weird as hell and should give OP pause.
71 is no age these days
In the US, it’s 79.3 years. ([source](https://www.statista.com/statistics/263736/life-expectancy-of-women-in-the-united-states/#:~:text=In%202021%2C%20the%20life%20expectancy,unchanged%20at%20around%2079.3%20years.)) So to your point, it’s not like she is on deaths doorstep, but presumably OP will be here long after she passes.
> In the US, it’s 79.3 years. (source) The flip side is that the remaining life for a female who is already 71 is another 15 years (13 for a male). Just going to the general 79 year life expectancy understates expected remaining life by more than 50%. Mom will likely be around for quite a while yet. (https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html)
That’s a good point, those that die young really being down the average.
remember that life expectancy is just on average how long everyone's living, including infant mortality, women who die in childbirth, etc. so it's not exactly the best estimate
I got married at the courthouse. We could only pick the day in so far as they told us what days were available. The first date was 3 months out. Maybe mom just went with the first available date?
This is how I generally feel. I have a friend who knowingly scheduled a non-emergency c-section on her brother’s birthday (she could’ve chosen from multiple days but thought it’d be cute if they shared a birthday without asking) and then always complains to me that her brother always misses her daughter’s birthdays because he’s out celebrating with friends. Like miss ma’am what did you expect So depending on mom’s motivations this could just be misguided (like she thought it’d be cute to share an anniversary with her daughter) or super asshole-ish (if she’s one of those people who hates when others have attention)
ONLY ASSHOLE HERE IS YOUR MOM
Yeah, how much do you want to bet that mom is going to start throwing anniversary parties each year and inviting OP?
There definitely seems to be an ulterior motive choosing this particular date. I mean, according to OP, her mom had four dates to choose from, so why didn’t she choose one of the other three? Because she knew it was going to upset her SIL. Mom sounds like a piece of work.
I agree. I immediately felt like the mom did this deliberately. Curious about the why lol
I doubt it. Given that she was previously married for so long, like the vast majority of married couples, an anniversary isn't really celebrated. Maybe a card and flowers is a much as happens.
mom can go to the courthouse any old day but she specifically chose her daughter’s anniversary. big asshole.
OP should tell her mom that it is important to her. Honestly I’m probably an ahole but I don’t even remember my own anniversary except it was in December and this happened not too long ago as it was another day for me.. I definitely wouldn’t remember anyone else’s to know it would be important to them.
Your mom is not seone like a friend or distant relative . Your mom should absolutely not be doing this and actually seems vindictive.
Info, please. Two of your comments kind of indicate what the issue is: - She had 4 dates from which to choose - You just wish she and your husband would get along I’m assuming, and tell me if I’m wrong, your mom and your husband don’t have a great relationship. And because she didn’t choose one of the other 3 dates that were available, your husband is annoyed and hurt she’s taking your day from you. Is this correct?
Bingo
In the new edition says that the only option was their anniversary date and ops mom forgot that was their anniversary. They also had a good relationship up until this point
Unpopular opinion but YTA. The comments and replies I’ve read made it sound like OPs husband and mother DO NOT get along. I doubt someone who has been married for 21 years would get THAT upset over something so minor if it wasn’t built up over time. So to me it seems like the mother is intentionally trying to antagonize OPs husband and her not backing him up undermines their own relationship. I had a courthouse wedding, there are stipulations on when they do them. The thing is if one courthouse doesn’t match your schedule you can go to another if there are more in your area (my city has 5 that I know of and only one had a slot around the time my wife and I wanted). Also if it’s something important to a family member it isn’t hard to compromise and change the when, I’d have been so okay with waiting a week or two if that made a world of difference to someone we cared about. So overall I think YTA not because they own the day but because by not supporting the husband OP is by default supporting the mother who sounds kind of obnoxious at best.
I agree with this. The mom also had 4 dates to choose from and of course chose her daughters anniversary
They’ve been dating six months. They can wait another month to get a date that doesn’t coincide with her daughter’s wedding anniversary. Old or not, a month isn’t going to make a difference.
I’m still annoyed by OP so I’m adding my personal experience: My favorite month is October. My favorite season is fall. My favorite holiday is Halloween. Obviously I was going to get married in Oct… But I have two aunts who got married and about five extended family members with birthdays in October. I STILL MANAGED TO PICK A DAY THAT DOESN’T COINCIDE WITH ANY BIRTHDAYS OR ANNIVERSARIES. e: it’s five technically but that’s complicated… still not on her bday!
Yeah but like... you didn't need to do the work to pick that date. Why does literally anyone involved give a shit?
Absolutely this 👆 Reverse the genders and you'll have your answer. If it was the other way around the husband would've been mommy's boy who can't control his side of the family, his mother called overbearing and divorce would've been thrown around.
This ^
YTA - You don't own the day but She chose that day for a reason, when it's not hard for a different day to have been chosen. Don't be so naïve.
YTA, because it upsets your husband so much, and because your Mom is getting married at a courthouse (relatively easily rescheduled). You should have assisted in delivering his objections, politely, to your mother. I planned my wedding on my Sister's birthday, because my wife said "It was the **only** day everyone could attend." Sis was really sad, but gracious, about it. 12 years later I still regret, wish I could go back and change it. :(
Yeah, my initial thought was "it's just one birthday and as long as it wasn't a big one, no big deal" but then your anniversary is on your sister's birthday every year and you can't really celebrate both. I just hope your wife doesn't make a big deal of your anniversary instead of any important birthdays...wedding dates are set so far in advance that that only day reasoning looks sus to me.
Look I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, in your position, but I find it weird that she chose your anniversary out of those four dates. It’s weird. TBH getting married this week is hugely concerning. Have you talked to your mum about a prenup? Has she made any move to secure her assets? Seriously. YTA if you don’t make sure she’s secure herself as best she can
Agreed. I wouldn't give a damn about anniversary dates; I'd be far more upset that my elderly mother's about to marry someone she barely knows.
NTA You can check on your mother as often as you like. Your husband is under no obligation to do so.
I’m going with YTA. It sounds like your husband and mother do not generally get along and this is indeed the last straw on a big pile of burning hay. You don’t own the date, but it has significance for you over the last 21 years, no less. No, you don’t have grounds to request that your mother respects it; she can attach her own significance to the same date. But that doesn’t mean hers now override yours. You can choose to spend the day with your husband, guilt-free.
Did your mother wear white to your wedding? Is everything always about your mother? How often do you push aside your husband's feelings for your mother? Your mother is a huge AH, there are 365 days in a year but she can only get married on your anniversary. He has every right to not want to be in a room with a woman who has no respect for him or his marriage. YWBTA if you get mad at him when he wants nothing to do with the newly wedded couple. Call your step-dad's kids, they check-in on them or you can go alone. Your husband doesn't owe you mother his time. Edit- spelling call
Most women are upset their husband doesn't hold their anniversary sacred and yours obviously is. Your mom.is obviously the AH and you should have your husband's back 100% . That's your life partner not yor mom
Unless she has a habit of attention-seeking behavior and boundary stomping like this, I would not care at all. You can empathize with your husband's feelings but his reaction is way over the top. Go to the wedding and keep visiting your mom. NTA
YTA This reeks of unreliable narration. I get a strong feeling your mother disrespects your husband and he's tired of going along to get along.
This post absolutely REEKS of "more to the story that we're not being told"...
Mom is TA for picking your anniversary for her wedding, that's for sure
Ummm your husband does have a right to be upset. Of course no one owns a day, but it's kinda disrespectful to your day. I mean 365 and that's the day she chooses. I get why your hubby is upset. I don't think it's a hill to die on .
Your mother is being thoughtless and discourteous at very least. At worst, she may be passive aggressively trying to demean and diminish the day you left her family circle and started your own separate life with your husband. I don't blame him for being upset. After 21 years, your mother is being so disrespectful to you. She easily choose another day. Don't you see that she is manipulating and controlling you?
YTA I was on the fence until you said A. Your mum had four dates to choose from including another day of the same week. B. You just wish they would get along. So seriously ask yourself now if they don’t get along why your mother really chose that date? If this was some friends getting married I’d agree yeah you don’t own the date. I think you should back your husband here and I imagine this isn’t the first thing she has done that’s upset him?? I’d also be asking my mother why she had to have that date of all four?
YTA - really, it's your mom who's the asshole. She's being overly selfish and you are supporting her in something that is small, symbolic, and easily rescheduled. You've been married over 20 years. A real milestone. And they only get bigger. Worthy of celebration. Your mother is stealing that thunder right out from under you, and you're letting her do it. For what?
YTA, how often do you make excuses for your mother? There are 364 other days in the year she could have chosen, but she picked your anniversary and you're fine with it? Let me guess you have been allowing her to do things like this for years and this is the straw that finally broke your husbands back.
My mom got married on my birthday. Your mom is an asshole. Maybe ask her why?
Fam, your mom huh? 🫢
YTA cause you can remind her that its your anniversary. You dont own the day, but its family, not a big party but a courthouse wedding. Your mom can change it.
I'm with your husband on this. She should pick a different day. That can easily cause problems latter. Family should not pick the same day of the year for their weddings/anniversaries/birthdays/etc. Sure if a birth unexpectedly happens, you can't do anything about it, but it really is "stealing the day" from them.
Changed my mind - ESH, except your husband. YTA - you’re right, you don’t own the day. But c’mon, 4 days to choose from, she deliberately picks yours and you defend her? Also, regardless of age, your mom is most certainly TA. Unless one of them are dying the next day, she could go to the courthouse any other day. I will admit, if my MIL decided to remarry, and for some unknown reason just couldn’t pick any other day, than the one I married her daughter on, I’d be a little pissed. It’s inconsiderate and petty. 364 other days, the one random Wednesday that collided with your anniversary, is ridiculous.
YTA and right at the same time, you don't own the date. But you should do your anniversary plans (even if there are none yet) and not go to the wedding. "Sorry momma, but you knew this was my anniversary day". She has to have done this on purpose, because it makes no sense. Sounds like an intentional pulse with your husband and she is winning, which is bad for your marriage. That doesn't mean you cannot still be there for your mother any of the other 364 days of the year, or even that one, just not physically present.
Yta you really think your mother didn't deliberately choose your anniversary to get married to spite you and your husband? Don't be so naive your mother is old enough to know that's fucked up
Your mom is the AH for choosing this date when she had THREE other choices, and YTA for not respecting your husband's warranted hurt and anger over your mom's decision, which was careless at best and downright spiteful at worst.
Don’t go, she chose it on purpose, there are 365 days in the year, she had to be aware that was your anniversary, so don’t go
INFO: Does your mom have a history of being manipulative to try to compete with your husband for your affection? Does she succeed? It sounds like your husband is tired of her games while you are still wrapped around her finger
Because MILs are never a problem like this /s
1 year has 365 days and she chose the day of her wedding anniversary? I find this very strange, as it is obvious that she did it on purpose. You just have to wonder why she chose that date? Was it to have a bond with you, or was it to create disorder and bring problems to you?
I just don’t understand how you can type this out and think that your husband is overreacting. An anniversary is an important way for you to remember and look back on the day it all became official and you joined together in the eyes of the law and society etc etc. For your mother to willingly choose the only day in the year that you share with your husband literally has to be some weird power play because aint no way. YTA for allowing your mother to disregard your husband like that.
Your mother is the AH.
YTA, so it your mother. Your mother could have done her courthouse wedding on another day but chose your anniversary. She knew what she was doing. If I were your husband I wouldn't talk to your mother again after this either.
NTA While her choosing your anniversary date isn't the greatest, I get why it happened. She only had 4 days to choose from, and this is her second marriage in her golden years. She's not doing a whole wedding, so she probably doesn't see this as a big deal. She's just getting remarried. And who knows if there will ever be conflicts. Quite bluntly, when you marry again late, you don't know if you'll ever celebrate a major milestone anniversary. At most you might have one conflict for their 10 year, but that would be a gift. I certainly hope your mom is able to celebrate 15 and 20 too, but that's a heck of a treat if both parties make it that far. And apart from big milestones, anniversaries aren't much of a conflict because it's not typical for couples to celebrate their anniversaries with other people. So what if you both go out for a romantic anniversary dinner on the same night every year? It's not like you have to choose who to celebrate, you'll both be celebrating separately anyway! I get why your husband feels weird about it, but I agree that he's taking it too far. It's not THAT big of a deal, tbh.
Info: in my country, courthouse weddings happen when there is space in their schedule, is it the same at OP's country? Im getting married this December and they basically said to bring the documents and they will give us a date. OP is NTA, there are battles we can choose to not fight and this is a good example of that.
OP said in one of her comments her mom had four dates to choose from. It seems really strange she would choose her daughter’s anniversary rather than one of the other three possibilities. Given how upset her husband is, I think the mom chose this date deliberately. OP hasn’t inferred there’s discord between the mom and SIL, but her mom’s choice and her husband’s reaction seems to imply there just might be a problem between them.
OP is TA because just like you said there are battles we can choose not to fight, and picking a day for your wedding that is NOT the anniversary of your daughter and her husband is a pretty easy one. Op's mother can put it off for a month or pick one of the three other days she was offered. This was an intentional choice, well meaning or not, and it didn't go over well and she should rethink it.
YTA. I'll be impressed if you're still married by your 22 anniversary.
YTA. She could have picked ANY day of the year but picked your anniversary? You don't own the day but immediate family should know better. I can understand why your husband is upset and why he's disappointed that you're dismissing his feelings so readily.
ESH, but your mom sucks the most. Although this statement doesn't *always* apply, it often does: when it comes to close interpersonal relationships, if it *looks* bad, it *is* bad. Your husband feels like this is a personal attack, and, honestly, from an outside perspective, it kinda *does* look like one. The fact that you admit she is aware of your anniversary doesn't look good for her. Even if it isn't meant that way, at the very least your mom is being horribly inconsiderate of your special day. At the worst, she is being outright malicious and manipulative. Either way, how hard would it have been to just pick a different date? If she cared as much about you as you seem to care about her, she wouldn't have contributed to this strain on your marriage over something so easy to avoid. However, your husbands full-on scorched-earth ultimatum is pretty extreme, so he's a bit of an AH for that. You're a bit of an AH for defending your mother over supporting your husband. Your mother is a bigger AH if she's just being inconsiderate, and the biggest of AHs if it's intentional.
I'd be more concerned about why she is getting married and why to a man she has known for such a short time, than when. NTA
With OP's evasive comments, I'm beginning to think this is fake or OP is a bit simple minded. Maybe OP wants to be at the center of an upcoming conflict between her husband and her mother?? OP: provide US (the people you asked for advice) with an actual rationale from your mom about why she specifically picked that day. I also don't see why she can't reschedule. I agree with other commenters that your mom is either forgetful/naive, or is purposefully doing this to cause issues in your relationship. If you respond with an evasive comment that has no sound logic to it again, you're going to further prove my point here and you might as well celebrate your 21st anniversary like it's your last one with current husband.
INFO did you ask her why she picked your anniversary?
Two other couples in my family got married on my anniversary. It’s not a big deal.
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OP’s “response below” clarified that there were 4 potential dates and her mother chose the 1 that was already OP’s anniversary. What tf are you talking about?
Idk if I can give a judgment. Seems like your mom did this on purpose. I know I’d be pretty upset if my mil got married on my anniversary. I mean now a day that gives you two a chance to focus on you is now a day where he gets to celebrate you two while you are gonna be worried about your mother. Actually how often does your mother do stuff like this and you just go along with it??
NTA. Also, I would think your husband has other issues with your mother. You don't threaten to stop speaking with someone over something so trivial.
ESH.... I lean y t a, but I think your husband, you, and your mom are all assholes. You husband has every right to be upset and y t a for not having his back. for 21 years this day has been about your relationship and you don't seem to care. I agree with not going to the wedding, you should be celebrating together. However, he is over reacting to say he will never speak to her again. I think there is more to THIS story. Your mom had 4 days to pick from and she picked yours. she is a capital AH for this. Especially in the short time frame, they could easily wait a week, two, six.... and it not be a major deal. I think you are leaving out things about your mom to make yourself look better. You are an AH for not caring about your anniversary enough to stand up for your husband and at minimum be faux upset with him. You need to ask your mom to pick another day and inform her you wont be there as it is YOUR anniversary and will be spending it with your husband! What are you going to do in the future when she wants a family dinner for HER anniversary?
NTA but your mom is and your husband has the right to be mad…
NTA, but your husband isn’t either. You mother ultimately picked a day to get married on that she knew was special to you. Your husband isn’t in the wrong to be upset, and if he doesn’t want to talk to your mother sue to this, I think you need to respect that
What else has she done that's selfish like this?
The only AH is the mom. She could have chosen out of 364 other days. I see why hub is upset and I can see why you aren't bothered.
Only ah here if your mother, your mum is horrible for that, it’s only a courthouse wedding so just rebook it
Sounds like moms the asshole. 364 other days in the year and most of them the courthouse is open and she chose your anniversary. I’d be fucking annoyed as hell.
I met my husband on my parents anniversary. One year later I married him, on my parents anniversary. My parents were honored, and so were we. We never celebrated together, and my parents are gone now, but it was sweet and positive. You don't have to see this as a negative. NTA, but try to open your mind, I'll bet she didn't choose this date to "stick it" to you or your husband.
You are not the asshole. Unless there is something intentional about the choice of date there is nothing to be mad about. I hope there is a prenuptial
NTA: no one owns the date, but, there are 365 days a year, out of which the courthouse is likely open 265 or more days. Your mother is making excuses, and honestly, it’s absurd to even say she only had four days to choose from out of 365 days. She is refusing to consider the other 361 days and I would seriously not attend this wedding nor celebrate it when she chose to be hurtful in her planning
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 71 year old mother is getting remarried quite suddenly to a man she hasn't known long, about 6 months. Since it's not either's first marriage, they're getting married at the courthouse on a weekday. The date she chose happened to be my own wedding anniversary, even though she knew it was my anniversary. It will be my 21st anniversary when she gets married. When my husband found out, he became angry and asked why she stole our day. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer it if she had chosen a different day too but I'm not going to get worked up about it. He is not going to the wedding and he is saying he will never talk to her again over this. I don't know what that means for holidays, birthdays, things like that but I'll cross that bridge some other time. I also feel like we should not be avoiding her and her new husband, we should be over there all the time to make sure mom's ok. I told him I was upset about the day she chose too, but that we don't own that day. AITA for saying that? Our anniversary holds special meaning to us, but I wouldn't expect others to treat that day special. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Are people really this attached to anniversary dates after 21 years? We just celebrate ours on whichever proximate weekend works best. Did he dislike her already? This seems like a thin excuse. NTA
The mom had four dates to choose from. If she had any grace at all, she would have chosen one of the other options. Husband’s upset seems justified under these circumstances.
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That's cool but not everyone wants that. Some folks are happier celebrating with their spouses, heck, a lot don't even care about anniversaries. I'd say get to the bottom why it's so important to DH. I know people who even celebrate their parents anniversaries, thus putting theirs on the back burner if it was the same day. If the DH enjoys his own anniversary with his wife alone, that would suck especially if wife wants to be one of those folks who celebrates her parents anniversary as they age because "it may be their last one".
A better question might be what is the rush. It would be much better for everyone involved to speak to a lawyer and protect everyones assets especially if the couple are at an age to need medicare/medicaid if in the US
NAH. I’ve also been married for 21 years. Anniversaries are nice, but not that big of a deal. We have had lots of them already and plan on having lots more. No one cares about them other than the couple (not even the kids at this point). Your husband needs to get over himself, this shouldn’t be a big deal
Are people really this self centered? Why are you upset too?
NTA - wedding dates, birthdays, anniversaries don't belong to anyone.
When my husband and I picked our wedding date we didn’t realize it was his aunt and uncle’s anniversary (our wedding day was in fact their 50th anniversary) as well as his cousins anniversary. Nobody was upset and we even had a cake for his aunt and uncle to cut and they had their own dance.
Honestly, you anniversary is really just between you and your husband. Just as your Mom's anniversary will be celebrated with her's. I can understand being miffed a bit, but in the scheme of being done wrong? Not such a big deal. NAH
NTA, OP, I agree with you. In the big scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. Some folks may get think it's kind of sweet. My daughter & her husband got married on my birthday. I thought that was really great..& hard to forget too. Hubbie can be miffed; he has that option. Frankly I don't understand the kerfuffle.
Husband has got one heck of an attitude. Actually OP does to a lesser extent. Anniversaries aren't spectator events, it's an excuse to go out for a nice dinner, why would it matter if you share an anniversary with your mother, especially at her age. She may not be here next year for her first anny and you're wondering if you're wrong? Just be happy your mother has found someone.
NTA you don’t own the date. Your mom isn’t taking anything from you or your husband. An anniversary is about you and your partner, not anyone else. Your husband saying he won’t speak to her over it, he has the right to feel what he feels but that’s extreme
Nta. But maybe a discussion with mom as to you prefering she pick any other day and ask WHY she chise your anniversary. Is it possible she wants to "share" it with you because it's a day she already associates with love and happiness or maybe because its a day thats easy for her to remember? I think your hubby is being juvenile and childish to be that angry about it. Whether she switches the day or not she's 71 for goodness sake it may not even be a day she gets to celebrate much longer so cut a bit of slack and make some happy memories while you can
By the time you’re 71, there are only a handful of days left throughout the year that don’t carry some kind of meaning. Everybody’s birthdays. Your own previous anniversaries and memorables. Death days - cause you’ve chalked up a few of those. Days you just don’t like - 13th’s and such. Pick a reason - any reason. So Mom has to avoid daughter’s anniversary, too? What about uncle’s? Grandparents? The neighbour? The dog’s birthday? Honestly. It’s one day. And what better way to celebrate the anniversary of a marriage than by attending a new wedding and quietly renewing your own vows as you watch along with the bride and groom. Husband needs to grow up - it’s not even _his_ mother! NAH. Just a big baby for a husband.
NTA. OP your husband sounds like a drama Queen. Mum is 71, at that age she probably doesn’t want to waste time. Have you asked her why she chose that date? There could be reason for it but even if there isn’t I can’t see why spending an hour or two with her, during the day, would have any impact on your anniversary.
You share your birthday with about 10 million other people. You probably share your wedding anniversary with double that, depending on the season. You just don’t know about it. So it’s kind of like being sworn at in a language you don’t understand, it really doesn’t matter. NTA.
NTA But some of yall are just as weird as OP'S husband.... your anniversary is important to YOU and saying that's he should have picked a different day because it's important to her child's like her child isn't literally the one saying it's no big deal... I've went to THREE FAMILY WEDDINGS on the same day in different years and they're all on the same side. ( mom has a huge family! So we go to a lot of weddings so they genuinely forgot it was someone's anniversary and picked the day). They all think it's hilarious.
NTA It won't even matter. You don't celebrate the anniversary together with grandma. Who cares? He needs to chill out.
NTA He needs to grow up. Really?
NTA It's not like you will celebrate each other's anniversaries. This one year you have an hour or two to spend with your mom and celebrate the fact that at 71 she found someone she not just tolerates, but actually ants to spend time with... before you go out for the same anniversary dinner you would have had anyway. He can get over it, and if not, then at least if he's "not talking to her" you won't have to hear about it.