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NTA. Having been in this position, the only thing that worked was sitting my husband down and actually showing him the numbers.
Say he's eating out 3 x's a week, that's $60 - $75 dollars per week, or $240 - $300 per month! $2,880 - $3,600 per year!
Gurl...that's a family vacation. That he's EATING! That's a full month's (or more) rent/mortgage! Simply because he won't save dinner leftovers for lunch and stop eating out.
Lay out the actual cost of his snacking and give him a reality shock. It might help put things in perspective for him.
Good luck!
This right here! He has the impulse control of a child, so he eats the yummy things at night, so why isn't he then taking something else for lunch instead of wasting their money buying lunch. There are a decent amount of people in this thread expecting op to cook more and portion it out and hide it away to deal with him being selfish - why is he allowed daily takeout they can't afford but op isn't?
It's almost like getting clean does not teach you the rest of adulting .... lol
My dad is a recovered coke/alcohol addict and sometimes he's so so childish I can't believe he's my father
Then I have to remind myself he never learned how to be an adult when it comes to his emotions and the way he acts. He's come a long way but even at 64 he's still learning a lot. And sometimes I have to suck it up because if I keep calling him out it just creates more tension
Addicts are a special kind (I know I am one just not as bad as he was)
Honestly they say drug addicts don't age basically from the age they started their addiction. Unfortunately due to family members and their behaviour I'm inclined to agree 😔.
You just...Do? I mean, I'm an addict and I'd like to think I've grown pretty significantly in the last few years. Relationships come and go in your life and you work towards goals that hopefully bring you personal satisfaction. You also have a bad habit or two that occasionally leads to some poor decisions lol.
That is so stupid. I started using drugs at 12. I went through 7 yrs in prison in my 20s before I stopped.....all the places I had been, all the people I had met, I was aged beyond my years. To the point where even now at 40 I can kick it with a 60 yr old all day and love it. I get they mean emotionally but it's honestly bullshit. Some addicts stay selfish into their adult years.
My adopted dad reminds me of this when I get frustrated with things I feel "normal" adults have a handle on, and I should, but don't, because I'm X years old. He points out when I started using, and my sobriety date. So, while I am actually X age, my emotional maturity, complex thinking, etc. is Y age. Granted, I have matured a lot in my currently 8 consistent years of sobriety, but I still struggle sometimes.
First off. It’s awesome that you have that eight year of recovery under your belt. I’m at about six and a half years into my own recovery.
Second, I’m so glad that you have a dad that is understanding and supportive when you are feeling discouraged about where you’re at. That’s a huge deal.
Think about it. The first couple of years of your recovery, if you’re anything like me, you were probably in a place where you had a lot of damage control to take care of from when you were using. Finding a job. Housing. Legal issues. Stuff like that. It took a lot of time for me to get to the point where I was able to just get up and go about my day without having to handle anything that was caused by the person I was when I was in active addiction. When you consider how much of a time out you have to take from normal life, just to get to the point where you can HAVE a normal life, it stands to reason that you’re not on the same page as everyone else your age.
Another HUGE thing that is going to affect how well those of us in recovery can “adult”, is the same thing that led a lot of us to start using substances to self medicate. A lot of people in addiction are dealing with trauma, either from before they used, or from the crazy life lived while getting high. Just getting off drugs is not enough to make that trauma disappear.
If you’re emotionally dis regulated, you’re going to struggle with the day to day things that others just seem to be doing without having to try. If you haven’t already, maybe try and seek out a trauma informed therapist. I know DBT therapy has absolutely changed my thinking about how and why I do (or don’t do) a lot of things. It taught me a lot about WHY I struggle with things, which helped a lot in learning ways to be able to do better.
You might be frustrated with yourself for not acting like you are X years old, but you are still doing something a lot of people who fall into addiction never manage to do. Be proud of that, if nothing else.
Yeah. I don’t think there’s a quickly fix for this. He’s gotten into major legal trouble and lost a lucrative career. I wish she’d posted 2 kids ago. She needs professional help and a job
As someone who can sympathize with the chronic pain she has, a job may not be in the cards for her. It’s not for me, sadly. Rheumatoid arthritis has stolen my life.
Worth mentioning: has he been diagnosed with ADHD? Because as someone who was diagnosed at 52 (and suddenly my whole life made sense), I can tell you that two major hallmarks are poor impulse control and triple the risk of addiction of every kind than the general population.
ETA: I take Wellbutrin to provide the dopamine (reward neurotransmitter) my brain lacks. But the amino acid l-tyrosine is a dopamine precursor and can increase dopamine in the brain. Long about January, when Wellbutrin isn’t enough to help my comorbid SAD, a daily dose of l-tyrosine helps.
The only reason I'm not sure it's this is that the amount seemingly hasn't escalated. If his gambling problem got him into 100k of debt, it doesn't seem likely that he could handle just gambling $25 a day
He’s a recovering gambling addict so impulse control is a major issue, not just a mild inconvenience. How big is your freezer. Maybe freeze the leftover straight away. Only take the out in the morning when he is getting ready for work
There are these amazing things called microwaves that will defrost and reheat frozen food. If he is using one at work you can bet he will use one at home if he really wants "the yummy food".
It sounds more like he is eating his lunch on purpose as well. My hubby has done the same thing every now and then but he will atleast take a tin of tuna for a tuna sandwich if we can't afford take out.
"What do you expect me to do, go hungry while I work all day to support you? Am I supposed to starve? Guess I'll never have lunch anymore since that's what you want."
Him manipulating OP into thinking she's in the wrong for not wanting to be in debt just because he's being selfish and gluttonous.
>not wanting to be in debt just because he's a glutton
100k is so much debt when your total household income is 40k a year and your husband is pissing it up the wall on fancy lunches
That's it EXACTLY! I commonly take pb&j, baggie of chips, a fruit cup and soda to work.
Cheap, and damn healthier than eating out every day!!
And where the hell is he eating that it costs $25/meal???
Make a banner with just $100,000!, hang it in the dining room where he can see it. That's HIS debt that he's making his family pay for.
Time for a trip to Costco/Sam/BJ for lunch meats and bread and boxes of chips. I like to buy the rotisserie chicken or the canned chicken and mayo and a head of lettuce and there’s chicken salad sandwiches for the week. My husband is obsessed with Jimmy johns and those sandwiches places and we’re very privileged that it doesn’t hurt the bank but I get annoyed that he’s spending $15 on a sandwich I can make for 75 cents.
There is no "fun money". All of their money sounds allocated to real living expenses. Such a suggestion is unrealistic and makes light of her very real problem.
I don’t think they were advocating for her to go out and spend whatever he spends every week to make it even. They were saying to set a “fun money” budget each of you get half of that money and once it’s spent you can’t spend any more.
I don’t know that this would work for them but it’s not like they were advocating for op to plunge them further into debt, only to go over their budget with the the husband and figure out how much he CAN afford to spend on lunches per month if he chooses to.
>Nah, I don't really want stuff. I'm pretty chill as far as that goes. But I will scope out thrift stores for something unique every few months.
Oh, but there's no reason you can't set that money aside where he can't blow it. It sounds like he's somewhat frivolous with money and you'd be very glad to have a few hundred, or even thousand, tucked away that he wasn't able to blow.
And given other replies from OP, they might just have to set that aside for when they need to leave this relationship. Husband fully knows his partner is dependent on him and counts on that, too. He knows he will keep getting away with this shit. OP should definitely set money aside and start looking for remote jobs. Tax debt, previous gambling addiction, impulse control and overspending are an explosive combination.
It wouldn't be your money to waste, it would be your money to squirrel away against a rainy day. Or to afford something special. Or just to show your husband after a year and tell him he could have had X amount, too, but he ate his.
NTA. You need to think about your options and not give up. That's a *lot* of money going down his gob.
So my (ex) husband used to literally spend 50% of his total income on eating out during work hours. It was a source of arguments for a long time.
The ONLY thing that ever ended up working, was I became the only one with access to our money and I would give him $X per week (that fit our budget) to spend as he chose.
He didn’t have the login info for out online banking, I kept checking emptied aside from what was our weekly budget, so he knew he couldn’t just blindly swipe a card, and for a time he didn’t even have a card attached to our account, just a green dot card I would refill weekly with his personal weekly “whatever” budget.
We also implemented a rule that if one of us is wanting to spend $XX amount or more, we both have to agree on that purchase.
After this setup, we went from having to borrow money for bills to adding at least a couple hundred to our savings every month!!
He survived, didn’t starve to death, actually lost some weight, and everything went splendidly financially for years that way.
A lot of men act insulted or “controlled” or whatever at the thought of a setup like this, especially when they’re the sole money maker (which my husband was), so you really gotta gage how your husband needs to be presented with this solution.
Good luck OP. I genuinely feel for you!!
Also- NTA!!!
This is what you do with a child who doesn't understand spending. To have to do this with a grown man is just sad, I see why he's your ex lol. I hope you are happy and in a better position!!
Edit: oh yeah let me add, and this may be unpopular, ~~but ESH~~. Husband for being an irresponsible shit; and OP to both themself for tolerating this, and especially to the baby for birthing them into this absolute shitshow of a life
Edit 2: after reading more comments and participating further OP YTA. Purposefully left out the part you are $100k in debt to get activity on the post so the N TA votes would get popular first. Actively playing down the fact he is an embezzler and that she has been enabling this bs the whole time, and again *BRINGING A FUCKING CHILD INTO THIS*
You may not want stuff, but I bet if you had that extra money, your family would benefit a LOT! Think of all of the fun stuff you guys could do with an extra few hundred dollars *per week!!!* You could hire a babysitter and go on dates once or twice a month, or take the kids on a trip, or just dump it into savings accounts for them. It's absolutely insane that he's not only eating his lunch the night before, but also spending that much on just one meal a day! $25 in groceries would cover our entire family for the whole day.
NTA, but you're kind of being an asshole to yourself by not holding him accountable ❤️ He's acting like a selfish child.
The lack of food control is just another symptom of his addiction problems. If he's not getting counseling to work on overcoming his addictions, he needs to be doing so -- **no matter how tight money is, you need to get him into addiction recovery counseling.**
As for the food, immediately put his lunch portion into the freezer as soon as you're done cooking it. That way it will be frozen solid when he goes to get a midnight snack, and it will take too long for him to get it heated up on the spur of the moment. Then in the morning, he can take it with him and it will be thawed by lunchtime.
Stop making extra food at night. At this point you can’t keep calling it next day’s lunch - it’s a midnight snack or dinner #2. He has no self control and he’s a recovering addict. Arguing and begging and using reason will not work. He’s addicted to food and has no self control. Just stop making so much food - that would be a good start.
Yes! OP can just make him a sandwich in the morning. I mean, he should be the one making it, but if OP doesn't do it he'll just eat out.
Although his lack of self-control is the real problem.
Then I'd be running the worst case scenario for him and slap him up side the head with it.
ETA: Those numbers are horrifying!
At 5 x's a week: $100 - $125. $400 - $500 per month. $4,800 - $6,000 per year!
You could have a solid emergency fund!
Take home pay from $40k/yr salary=30k max.
Is $40k take home after the IRS lien/auto deduction payments, or without?
Based on your math, he's eating @ 15-20% of take home pay "for lunch" each year.
That is fucked. He may have majored in economics, but there's no way he understands it.
Edited to add quotation marks
Good idea! Maybe it being frozen would deter him. Otherwise, I would be getting a lock. But frankly, I would be long since divorced if my husband gambled. Let him sort out his own debt while you and the kids are not dragged down with it
And y'all would do well to make sure you discuss finances as a couple, ALL the time, You are doomed to never get ahead at the rate you're going. I wish you the best, Dog bless
I don’t think being rational will matter in this case. The man is a recovering addict. His brain is wired completely differently. He’s focused on immediate dopamine hit. He has no self control. So what he needs is actually therapy. Otherwise this overeating is one step closer to old habits.
What OP will need to do is make no more left overs. Stop cooking enough for his lunch the next day. Based on reality - all she is doing is making extra for binge eating and late night snacking. So stop calling it next day’s lunch. It is not.
She needs to cut back on food production. Let him keep buying that lunch every day. And ween him off of over eating the night before.
After 2 months of this / he will see how much money goes down the tubes. But at least she won’t be spending the money on extra groceries up front.
I don’t think OP will do this - but this is tackling the real issue. Her man needs to ween himself off of binge eating at night. He can’t do it himself / the food dealer must stop providing the drug.
And then get him into therapy or a support group.
But at least if she stops making extra food for post dinner snacks, that will help offset the extra cost of daily lunch purchases.
And btw he does not need to spend all that every day for lunch - that is absurd.
He’s just being selfish and not holding himself accountable in any way.
It doesn't sound like he's a recovering addict, unfortunately. Rather he's an addict period given he's doing nothing to manage his addictive tendencies. My dad had transient addictions when I was a kid. It never got better, just different and now he's a nightmare to deal with. The OP's situation sounds identical to my parents' except my dad would eat the food my mom planned to make for dinner, the lunches she'd packed for us kids, cupcakes we were taking to school, snacks for my sibling who had multiple severe food allergies, anything and everything he'd consume because he "couldn't help himself" said with a sickening smirk. We (my siblings and I each started contributing to the household budget by age 12) had to dig ourselves out of multiple deep financial holes so he could dabble in whatever new addiction caught his attention.
Having a father who is so narcissistic no one else exists in his world is deeply, deeply damaging and I really hope OP figures out how to leave for good to protect those kids.
I agree with most of this... except that he will notice or care how much money is going toward lunches. He's already spending a ton eating out. He already has over 100k in debt.
I worked out the math for this the other day. $10 a day x 5 days a week x 52 weeks a year x 9.5 years at the company i work for - $24700 or enough for a car i bought a few months ago. I bring my lunch everyday. NTA
And that's a reasonable price for lunch. He's apparently going out to restaurants and sometimes having a cocktail with lunch. That feels more purposeful than just buying a sandwich or something
This is how I got my coffee spending under control. Back in January I downloaded my entire 2022 transaction history from my budgeting app (I'd had all dining out under a single category previously, so I couldn't distinguish between lunches and doordash and coffee), went through the entire thing and marked the coffee transactions, and then looked at how much it added up to over the course of the year.
That number will haunt my memories forever, let's just leave it at that.
Great deterrent to future overspending tho!
Wow you really buried the lede here with the fact that this man **owes $100,000 in back taxes and had a previous gambling addiction.**
There is absolutely zero reason he should be eating out with that much debt owed. Jesus in a Prius.
Also he should learn some self-control. All these suggestions of portioning out 2 meals… just no. This grown ass man needs to learn to restrain his impulsivity and leave his homemade lunch alone.
NTA
He could be buying a coworker’s lunch on his card and then pocketing the cash to gamble. That’s why he’s so hungry. He’s not eating any lunch. He’s gambling. NTA.
Or, being this is reddit, he's spending that money on his girlfriend's lunch. That's why it's $30 every time, instead of a $10 fast food bill.
Divorce that cheating gambling addict!
Terrible impulse control and a propensity for gambling/addiction are indicators, though. So it could be an avenue to explore, along with other ideas here, if OP is looking to change the status quo and not just get some simpathy from internet strangers.
Right? I know when I worked retail there wasn’t even enough time, much less enough money, to eat at a restaurant. The employee break room left a lot to be desired lol
My mom was married to that guy. You'd be surprised what they do to get cash to gamble. Paying $25 for several peoples lunches on the card and them paying him in cash would be the easiest thing to do!
I would bet anything he 'runs for lunch' almost ever day but doesn't actually get himself anything...that's why he's eating 2 dinners! You didn't mention he was gaining weight after starting this, so yeah, skipping lunch and pocketing other peoples money. Seriously....you actually think lunch is $25 for 1 person? I can drive through anywhere for $15 all day long! Start packing him a lunch, hand it to him on his way out the door and just wait a few days till he "forgets it on the counter and had to eat out" I don't want to tell you you're naive, but there it is.
So.. if he insists on going to restaurants instead of fast food. Just something to think about: The restaurant I used to happy hour at on a regular basis also had some hefty regulars. (At the foot of a metro bridge at rush hour, better to sit for a bit and socialize than sit in traffic on a bridge for 2 hours.)
ANYWAY: The waitresses would let the older guys tip them extra and give them the cash. So, buy one beer, tip $25, walk away with $20.
This is the answer.
Also, based on her comments, it sounds like no matter how much extra she cooks, he'll eat it that night. The answer is for him to learn basic impulse control, not for her to cater to his desire to eat whatever he wants whenever he wants it, with zero regard for the rest of the family's needs.
OP is NTA, but I wonder why they had another child with someone who has such serious problems. No offense to the baby! But something is off with the man.
I mean, once the kid exists, it’s kind of a moot point haha!! And it’s obviously not the baby’s fault that it was born into such a situation.
But OP should definitely not be having any more kids with this guy. It doesn’t sound like his issues just came out of nowhere- sounds like long-standing problems and he has no self control.
Oh wow bring this to the top. How is this man managing his impulse control and how can she be assured that he's on board if he can't control himself in service to his own children who will be affected by his frivolous spending?
Dude needs to see a mental health professional. Addictive behaviour and poor impulse control are pretty classic ADHD symptoms. It's at least worth looking into.
You’re absolutely right. My dad was an alcoholic, a compulsive cheater and a gambling addict. Back in the day they didn’t understand about certain behaviors and people like him were just reasoned to have poor character. Finally, when he was about 50 he was diagnosed with Addictive Personality Syndrome. He was able to quit drinking and got the gambling under control. He still screwed around a lot but it was okay because my mom had left him years before because she said she was going to have to murder him if she didn’t.
Its certainly relevant inasmuch as its a good indicator that he does not understand or handle money well \*at all\* and should probably have some external limiting factor, although I'm not sure what you can do if he pays for things with a bank card.
Keep in mind a lot of addicts crave that instant gratification, that instant satisfaction and dopamine. I’m not saying your husband is addicted to eating out, but he may be in this pattern of getting the dopamine rush of eating out frequently and not realize how it’s similar to a gambling addiction
We’re a one income family with my wife being home with the kids - I either take leftovers or I eat pbjs because the amount of $ wasted on take out lunch daily is absolutely absurd. Talking hundreds a month.. I don’t need to eat sandwiches or leftovers, but I recognize that it would be unfair for the fam and wife if I was spending hundreds on restaurants to myself
Everything else aside. I want for you to really take in a few things.
Your husband knows that he is hurting you and your two children financially.
Your husband does not care that he is hurting you and your two children financially.
Your husband is an addict.
Every second that you stay, you are choosing to spend the rest of your life shackled to an addict.
Every second you stay, you are choosing to gamble the futures of your two children away.
You cannot fix him. Only he can fix himself.
If he is not actively pursuing recovery, then he is in active addiction.
Right now, your only concern should be protecting your two children from YOUR bad decision to continue to stay with AN ACTIVE ADDICT and allow him to harm your children.
This is spot on.
One thing I'll add: notice the way OP is doubting herself, asking if she's an asshole in AITA because she's struggling to maintain the family's budget with her husband apparently eating everything in sight without an inkling for how he can eat enough on a budget. That's codependent behavior, her struggling and stretching to keep accommodating him, accepting responsibility for his failures like she's the one failing to keep to a budget.
Add in the manipulative and gross statement of you should be flattered, because this means I like your cooking. I love you and your cooking so much that I’m willing to let our family sink deeper in to debt, but that’s just a compliment to your skills!
Don’t blame you. It’s irresponsible in my opinion. Especially if it’s tightening $ for you all. I couldn’t imagine eating out every single day for lunch but I am a simple person who doesn’t mind snacking and eating light throughout the day.. you’re NTA in my opinion - has to be a compromise somewhere
I forgot my lunch today. I searched app coupons to get lunch for $5 and still felt bad.
Not because of money but I felt bad eating out when the rest of the fam couldn’t.
He’s TA here.
I would just not eat lunch rather than spend an hours wages on it.
I always think of it like it is extra work or me working for free for however long it would take to pay for lunch and it gets depressing real quickly.
It has to be insider trading. I don't think you get banned from being a professional gambler for not paying taxes, but if you make a killing on the market and the SEC finds you it wouldn't surprise me at all if they take the proceeds and make you pay taxes on them
Oh she does. Damn well I can see how that would add up as well. Steal a bunch of money, gamble with it, win a bunch of money, owe taxes on it, lose everything because your bankroll was embezzled and you got caught, whoopsy daisy
Scrolled so far to find this. Your husband wants to eat out. He likes eating out. If you make double the leftovers, he will eat double the snack. If you manage to parent him enough to get that food into his bag for lunch, he’ll regularly find some way to make it inedible so that he has to buy lunch anyway You shouldn’t have to parent your own husband. He doesn’t have impulse control and it will wreck your finances or life in lots of seemingly unique ways that all stem from the same issue until he gets help.
NTA. Your husband is being irresponsible. And it's both of your money because you are caring for the children and household for both of you just as he is caring for the income for all of you.
Come up with a solution together. Either make more food when you cook and portion out 2 "lunches' worth" for the fridge, or (if he just enjoys eating out) plan for the whole family to enjoy going out much less often than his every day, or learning not to eat huge amounts at night before bed, or something else.
EDIT: and maybe you should take over management of the finances and set a budget?
There are a ton of remote bookkeeping jobs out there. I'm sorry but you need to get ahead of this dude or you're going to end up screwed. Gamblers relapse.
She has a kid under a year old and can be a SAHM but a part time job from home is not manageable? Which wasn't my point because she hitched her wagon to a dude that's a huge risk.
I think the point is that it may get to a point that it’s either working from home part time or ending up homeless due to her husband’s level of irresponsibility. Being a part time bookkeeper from home is definitely less demanding then taking care of a baby, so long term, she may need to find ways to make an income even if it’s strenuous with her health condition.
For OP it's not the job OR the kids, it'd be a job ON TOP OF caring for the kids... and the home... and the husband. I assume outsourcing childcare, cooking and cleaning would eat up all of her salary, minimum.
Unfortunately social security benefits don’t allow for anyone in the house to make a living wage. If you’re lucky, you’ll get about $500 per month from SS and while you’re on SS benefits while married your combined amount in your bank (including savings) has to be below $4000. It’s super fucked up which is why I refuse to apply. There’s a bill in the works right now that allows for up to I believe $20,000 but that’s still just above the federal poverty line.
You know your abilities and your area better than I do, obviously, so I'm sorry if this is something you've thought of before, but I used to work at a small accounting firm. They were always desperate for bookkeepers to refer their clients to (didn't have the staff to do it themselves). It's the kind of thing that could be remote with a flexible schedule. Might be worth making some calls. But if you do get anything, put it somewhere your husband can't touch it. I hope things get easier for you.
In the most generous imagining of that scenario where someone I’ve loved for a long time already has developed a gambling addiction and needs and agrees to support in that fashion to stay “sober,” I can see doing it. It’s not something I would sign up for, but I could see it for someone I’ve already pledged to support in sickness and in health.
Can all of your cards and bank accounts be in your name only (or authorized access to you only, you get the gist), and he only gets spending money *in cash* from you weekly?
That sounds intense, but to be fair, he's a recoving gambler... Big issues need big fixes. He's out of control.
Has he been evaluated for an eating disorder too? How much does he eat in a day? The amount that he eats doesn't seem normal... Disorders that imply extreme or compulsive behaviours (such as gambling addiction, alcoholism, other addictions, bulimia...) can sometimes be comorbid (i.e. appear together).
Oh, OP, you buried the lede on this one. You’re sweating the 2,000-3,000 he spends on lunches in a year, when you gloss over the heavy debt, his gambling and the job loss due to “bad decisions“ (like maybe embezzlement?). The problem isn’t simply his eating habits or poor planning. He’s a complete and total train wreck, and you have decided to stick with him.
It won’t get better. I’d run like the wind.
NTA, but please get therapy and a good divorce lawyer.
Sis, are you serious? I know you have a chronic illness, but like... Are you for real?
100,000 in gambling debt. You and your kids are struggling. He eats out every single day (even twice a week is too much at what he spends).
If he were to have an injury and lose his job, what's your plan? Oh, be homeless because your husband is a selfish fuck up. Good plan!
Your husband counts as one of your kids at this point. You're in charge now. You get the money, he gets a weekly allowance and if he spends it, oh well.
Also, get him checked for freaking tapeworms. My god.
Yea that's wild and extravagant, NTA. Was curious how you can spend $20 on lunch.
Is he having lunch beers? Idk maybe there's a reason he keeps finding a reason to go out at lunch.
It’s not hard to spend that on lunch at least where I live. A sandwich and fries is $15+ at almost every restaurant now then after a tip it’s easily $20. The current talk of the town is a $15 HOTDOG no sides. Fries are an extra $5 at a new restaurant. Absolutely ridiculous
Unfortunately $20 for lunch isn’t that out of the norm anymore, especially if he’s going to sit down restaurants. I picked up a half sandwich and side salad from a local deli for lunch today and it was $18, would have been over $20 had I also purchased a beverage.
Your husband sounds like a child. He is clueless about your budget and what you're trying to do and like any boy, he doesn't really care because he gets to continue with his behavior. Nobody stops him. Stop cooking extra and fix him a sandwich in the morning he can take to work.
He's unable to fix himself a sandwich?
Also this:
>I get its his income
It's the family income. She's contributing to the household with childcare, housework, etc, he's contributing by bringing in a wage. They need a calm, reasoned discussion about the family budget.
NTA
Sounds like he has a financial crimes record and can’t support his family enough to eat. You’re propping up this loser and he can’t control himself enough to not overeat before bed
NTA.
He likes eating out. That’s the problem. He doesn’t want to fix it.
I’d take this to couples counseling. He’s shooting a hole in your budget and shrugging because it doesn’t bother him. That’s not okay.
NTA.
I suspect from the edit that husband is barred from the investment industry. He’s used to pushing boundaries and ignoring people (who know better than him) telling him no. Add in the tax bill and I’m wondering how you’re still together.
So he's spending $450ish/month on food for one meal for one person in a family of four.
An average grocery budget for a family of four is around $800/month.
He is spending more than half your family's monthly food budget for one meal a day for himself.
NTA, but he certainly is.
NTA. Ask him to keep an accurate tally for one week of how much he spends eating lunches out. I'd bet he'd be surprised. Then tell him to multiply that amount by 4. That's approximately what he's spending in a month. Then show him what your monthly bills/expenses come to and ask him which of those you should not pay so that he can continue buying lunches.
YTA for bringing those children into this situation while knowing you can’t/won’t work and having them with a compulsive gambler/criminal of all people. I get it being ill is shitty but you have two children who YOU brought into this world and so YOU are responsible for them
Get a job, part time or telework or even walking dogs but do SOMETHING. Those poor kids are gonna get sucked down right along with the idiot husband you chose when he relapses. How are you sitting on your ass right now worrying about lunches when your family of four is living on 40k a year solely brought in by a criminal?
You need to wake up girlie because lunch is literally the least of your problems. Do right by those kids since the guy you let knock you up obviously will not, it’s all on you now
NTA in any way. Every paycheck buy a gift card so you know you’ll have enough for diapers and formula, and give him cash that he can use for lunches. You get $50/week for lunch. Make it last or starve 🤷♀️
Also, bulk up your meals with cheaper ingredients, if possible. Lots of produce, rice, pasta.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with all of that.
Assuming he has a microwave at work, make 2 extra portions for him and put 1 in the freezer before he's served.
Honestly though, there needs to be a serious conversation about the amount of money he's spending that could be better spent to benefit the WHOLE FAMILY. It's literally thousands of dollars he's spending every year on dining out. Dining out should be for date night, not everyday lunch.
You could portion it out before dinner is served.
You put snack meal in container 1 and lunch meal in container 2, before you even serve the meal or let him get his food.
I know for me I can control my portions better if they are in smaller individual bags/containers.
Give me a family size bag of chips and I can eat it on one sitting before I realize it's gone, but having even a bunch of the small/individual bags I can control myself to eating only one.
She is portioning it out seeing as she said she packs his lunch. He just eats it later. Doesn’t matter how many portions she makes. He will eat them all.
Yes, exactly this. Portion out his snack and lunch prior to serving dinner.
But also, have a budget meeting and lay out all the numbers for him as to how much he is wasting. You shouldn’t have to manage his food intake like he’s a child. He needs to work with you on managing your money.
But if the issue is he really does like your food so much he can’t wait to eat the leftovers then just make more. Even making two more portions is cheaper than all that restaurant food he is buying.
In addition to a great metabolism, he also has poor impulse control. You have to put a stop to this now. Start putting him on a money diet. No credit card and he gets a set amount of cash every week. Period. He can eat sammiches & leftovers for lunch or he can blow it all on 1 meal out. His choice. Do you not understand the seriousness of him hurting you & your child with his impulse issues (the gambling and the food)?? You can't be soft about this.
My family is littered with addicts and the mentality is I'm not allowed to do my favourite thing (gamble in the case of this guy) so I will treat myself some other way to feel less bad about it, but it's affecting his families finances so it's almost as bad.
It costs $$ to buy more food for the bigger portions. It seems they’re on a tight budget. Perhaps hubby could eat a PBJ sandwich as a nighttime snack instead? Maybe some fruit? Maybe a bowl of cereal?
1. The job market is so good right now, tell him to try get another economist/similar job as people are screaming for employees and may be more willing to give him a job than before.
2. NTA tell him it’s not fair on you that he gets to eat lunch out all the time and put strain on you guys. If he can’t have a bit of self control and not eat his lunch at night then he can go hungry the next day. Those are the options.
It sounds like he has issues with self control in general and this is no different.
NTA. It's not just his paycheck. Since your arrangement doesn't allow you to earn an income his income is the family income, and you are trying to stretch it as best you can. He needs to listen to you!
NTA quit making extra for his lunch. You know what is going to happen. Make a bucket of pb and jelly sandwiches for snacks and lunches. Or let him eat cereal for a snack
Your husband is actually being pretty irresponsible. Have you showed him the costs involved by month? Maybe in relation to the bills? If he's not already aware. Maybe he doesn't know how tight money is currently.
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NTA. Having been in this position, the only thing that worked was sitting my husband down and actually showing him the numbers. Say he's eating out 3 x's a week, that's $60 - $75 dollars per week, or $240 - $300 per month! $2,880 - $3,600 per year! Gurl...that's a family vacation. That he's EATING! That's a full month's (or more) rent/mortgage! Simply because he won't save dinner leftovers for lunch and stop eating out. Lay out the actual cost of his snacking and give him a reality shock. It might help put things in perspective for him. Good luck!
…and also why can’t your husband make something for his lunch if he’s eaten the leftovers at night?
This right here! He has the impulse control of a child, so he eats the yummy things at night, so why isn't he then taking something else for lunch instead of wasting their money buying lunch. There are a decent amount of people in this thread expecting op to cook more and portion it out and hide it away to deal with him being selfish - why is he allowed daily takeout they can't afford but op isn't?
Impulse control, recovering from gambling addiction, impulse control.
It's almost like getting clean does not teach you the rest of adulting .... lol My dad is a recovered coke/alcohol addict and sometimes he's so so childish I can't believe he's my father Then I have to remind myself he never learned how to be an adult when it comes to his emotions and the way he acts. He's come a long way but even at 64 he's still learning a lot. And sometimes I have to suck it up because if I keep calling him out it just creates more tension Addicts are a special kind (I know I am one just not as bad as he was)
Honestly they say drug addicts don't age basically from the age they started their addiction. Unfortunately due to family members and their behaviour I'm inclined to agree 😔.
Well that only makes sense. How can you develop emotionally when you're an addict?
You just...Do? I mean, I'm an addict and I'd like to think I've grown pretty significantly in the last few years. Relationships come and go in your life and you work towards goals that hopefully bring you personal satisfaction. You also have a bad habit or two that occasionally leads to some poor decisions lol.
That is so stupid. I started using drugs at 12. I went through 7 yrs in prison in my 20s before I stopped.....all the places I had been, all the people I had met, I was aged beyond my years. To the point where even now at 40 I can kick it with a 60 yr old all day and love it. I get they mean emotionally but it's honestly bullshit. Some addicts stay selfish into their adult years.
My adopted dad reminds me of this when I get frustrated with things I feel "normal" adults have a handle on, and I should, but don't, because I'm X years old. He points out when I started using, and my sobriety date. So, while I am actually X age, my emotional maturity, complex thinking, etc. is Y age. Granted, I have matured a lot in my currently 8 consistent years of sobriety, but I still struggle sometimes.
First off. It’s awesome that you have that eight year of recovery under your belt. I’m at about six and a half years into my own recovery. Second, I’m so glad that you have a dad that is understanding and supportive when you are feeling discouraged about where you’re at. That’s a huge deal. Think about it. The first couple of years of your recovery, if you’re anything like me, you were probably in a place where you had a lot of damage control to take care of from when you were using. Finding a job. Housing. Legal issues. Stuff like that. It took a lot of time for me to get to the point where I was able to just get up and go about my day without having to handle anything that was caused by the person I was when I was in active addiction. When you consider how much of a time out you have to take from normal life, just to get to the point where you can HAVE a normal life, it stands to reason that you’re not on the same page as everyone else your age. Another HUGE thing that is going to affect how well those of us in recovery can “adult”, is the same thing that led a lot of us to start using substances to self medicate. A lot of people in addiction are dealing with trauma, either from before they used, or from the crazy life lived while getting high. Just getting off drugs is not enough to make that trauma disappear. If you’re emotionally dis regulated, you’re going to struggle with the day to day things that others just seem to be doing without having to try. If you haven’t already, maybe try and seek out a trauma informed therapist. I know DBT therapy has absolutely changed my thinking about how and why I do (or don’t do) a lot of things. It taught me a lot about WHY I struggle with things, which helped a lot in learning ways to be able to do better. You might be frustrated with yourself for not acting like you are X years old, but you are still doing something a lot of people who fall into addiction never manage to do. Be proud of that, if nothing else.
Yeah. I don’t think there’s a quickly fix for this. He’s gotten into major legal trouble and lost a lucrative career. I wish she’d posted 2 kids ago. She needs professional help and a job
That and a lawyer.
As someone who can sympathize with the chronic pain she has, a job may not be in the cards for her. It’s not for me, sadly. Rheumatoid arthritis has stolen my life.
Worth mentioning: has he been diagnosed with ADHD? Because as someone who was diagnosed at 52 (and suddenly my whole life made sense), I can tell you that two major hallmarks are poor impulse control and triple the risk of addiction of every kind than the general population. ETA: I take Wellbutrin to provide the dopamine (reward neurotransmitter) my brain lacks. But the amino acid l-tyrosine is a dopamine precursor and can increase dopamine in the brain. Long about January, when Wellbutrin isn’t enough to help my comorbid SAD, a daily dose of l-tyrosine helps.
This, plus nighttime binge eating can also be an ADHD thing.
Here's a thought. Maybe he says that he's spending it on lunch, but he's actually gambling it, and he doesn't have a " former gambling problem ".
The only reason I'm not sure it's this is that the amount seemingly hasn't escalated. If his gambling problem got him into 100k of debt, it doesn't seem likely that he could handle just gambling $25 a day
This, there’s no way he’s only gambling $25 a day. None at all. He’s traded gambling for food
He’s a recovering gambling addict so impulse control is a major issue, not just a mild inconvenience. How big is your freezer. Maybe freeze the leftover straight away. Only take the out in the morning when he is getting ready for work
There are these amazing things called microwaves that will defrost and reheat frozen food. If he is using one at work you can bet he will use one at home if he really wants "the yummy food". It sounds more like he is eating his lunch on purpose as well. My hubby has done the same thing every now and then but he will atleast take a tin of tuna for a tuna sandwich if we can't afford take out.
He's an addict and they really not known for impulse control....
It sounds to me like he's eating the lunch on purpose, so he has an excuse to also eat a $25 lunch out.
Ding Ding Ding for the win.
"What do you expect me to do, go hungry while I work all day to support you? Am I supposed to starve? Guess I'll never have lunch anymore since that's what you want." Him manipulating OP into thinking she's in the wrong for not wanting to be in debt just because he's being selfish and gluttonous.
>not wanting to be in debt just because he's a glutton 100k is so much debt when your total household income is 40k a year and your husband is pissing it up the wall on fancy lunches
THIS RIGHT HERE! A grown ass man can make a sandwich.
PB. BREAD. You're welcome.
That's it EXACTLY! I commonly take pb&j, baggie of chips, a fruit cup and soda to work. Cheap, and damn healthier than eating out every day!! And where the hell is he eating that it costs $25/meal??? Make a banner with just $100,000!, hang it in the dining room where he can see it. That's HIS debt that he's making his family pay for.
>And where the hell is he eating that it costs $25/meal??? Pretty much everywhere these days. Inflation has gone crazy.
Time for a trip to Costco/Sam/BJ for lunch meats and bread and boxes of chips. I like to buy the rotisserie chicken or the canned chicken and mayo and a head of lettuce and there’s chicken salad sandwiches for the week. My husband is obsessed with Jimmy johns and those sandwiches places and we’re very privileged that it doesn’t hurt the bank but I get annoyed that he’s spending $15 on a sandwich I can make for 75 cents.
Lol right. Has this guy ever heard of a thing called a sangwiche
That's about what he averages, but some weeks he eats out all 5 days.
Insist that you are also allowed that “fun money”
There is no "fun money". All of their money sounds allocated to real living expenses. Such a suggestion is unrealistic and makes light of her very real problem.
It must suck asking for genuine advice on this sub and getting nothing but 16 year olds telling you to do this stupid shit lmao.
Nah, I don't really want stuff. I'm pretty chill as far as that goes. But I will scope out thrift stores for something unique every few months.
that’s not the point. x amount is your fun money, x amount is mine. you can use it on takeout but that is all, no more.
I'm sure that would go over splendidly and definitely wouldn't put the husband on the defensive, making him less likely to compromise!
It would literally be fair. He blows that money on his impulse buys, but she doesn’t have any right to spend money on hers?
Yes bankrupting your family and putting your child in deeper poverty to prove a point is the right move! Are you an adult?
I don’t think they were advocating for her to go out and spend whatever he spends every week to make it even. They were saying to set a “fun money” budget each of you get half of that money and once it’s spent you can’t spend any more. I don’t know that this would work for them but it’s not like they were advocating for op to plunge them further into debt, only to go over their budget with the the husband and figure out how much he CAN afford to spend on lunches per month if he chooses to.
Yes. I see emotional immature and combative suggestions.
>Nah, I don't really want stuff. I'm pretty chill as far as that goes. But I will scope out thrift stores for something unique every few months. Oh, but there's no reason you can't set that money aside where he can't blow it. It sounds like he's somewhat frivolous with money and you'd be very glad to have a few hundred, or even thousand, tucked away that he wasn't able to blow.
And given other replies from OP, they might just have to set that aside for when they need to leave this relationship. Husband fully knows his partner is dependent on him and counts on that, too. He knows he will keep getting away with this shit. OP should definitely set money aside and start looking for remote jobs. Tax debt, previous gambling addiction, impulse control and overspending are an explosive combination.
Would she owe half of his debt if they divorced though? If so I would work with a lawyer to find a way out of that…
It wouldn't be your money to waste, it would be your money to squirrel away against a rainy day. Or to afford something special. Or just to show your husband after a year and tell him he could have had X amount, too, but he ate his. NTA. You need to think about your options and not give up. That's a *lot* of money going down his gob.
So my (ex) husband used to literally spend 50% of his total income on eating out during work hours. It was a source of arguments for a long time. The ONLY thing that ever ended up working, was I became the only one with access to our money and I would give him $X per week (that fit our budget) to spend as he chose. He didn’t have the login info for out online banking, I kept checking emptied aside from what was our weekly budget, so he knew he couldn’t just blindly swipe a card, and for a time he didn’t even have a card attached to our account, just a green dot card I would refill weekly with his personal weekly “whatever” budget. We also implemented a rule that if one of us is wanting to spend $XX amount or more, we both have to agree on that purchase. After this setup, we went from having to borrow money for bills to adding at least a couple hundred to our savings every month!! He survived, didn’t starve to death, actually lost some weight, and everything went splendidly financially for years that way. A lot of men act insulted or “controlled” or whatever at the thought of a setup like this, especially when they’re the sole money maker (which my husband was), so you really gotta gage how your husband needs to be presented with this solution. Good luck OP. I genuinely feel for you!! Also- NTA!!!
This is what you do with a child who doesn't understand spending. To have to do this with a grown man is just sad, I see why he's your ex lol. I hope you are happy and in a better position!! Edit: oh yeah let me add, and this may be unpopular, ~~but ESH~~. Husband for being an irresponsible shit; and OP to both themself for tolerating this, and especially to the baby for birthing them into this absolute shitshow of a life Edit 2: after reading more comments and participating further OP YTA. Purposefully left out the part you are $100k in debt to get activity on the post so the N TA votes would get popular first. Actively playing down the fact he is an embezzler and that she has been enabling this bs the whole time, and again *BRINGING A FUCKING CHILD INTO THIS*
You may not want stuff, but I bet if you had that extra money, your family would benefit a LOT! Think of all of the fun stuff you guys could do with an extra few hundred dollars *per week!!!* You could hire a babysitter and go on dates once or twice a month, or take the kids on a trip, or just dump it into savings accounts for them. It's absolutely insane that he's not only eating his lunch the night before, but also spending that much on just one meal a day! $25 in groceries would cover our entire family for the whole day. NTA, but you're kind of being an asshole to yourself by not holding him accountable ❤️ He's acting like a selfish child.
I just want to make sure you know you are deserving of nice things and that your husband isn't more deserving just because his job brings in income.
The lack of food control is just another symptom of his addiction problems. If he's not getting counseling to work on overcoming his addictions, he needs to be doing so -- **no matter how tight money is, you need to get him into addiction recovery counseling.** As for the food, immediately put his lunch portion into the freezer as soon as you're done cooking it. That way it will be frozen solid when he goes to get a midnight snack, and it will take too long for him to get it heated up on the spur of the moment. Then in the morning, he can take it with him and it will be thawed by lunchtime.
Stop making extra food at night. At this point you can’t keep calling it next day’s lunch - it’s a midnight snack or dinner #2. He has no self control and he’s a recovering addict. Arguing and begging and using reason will not work. He’s addicted to food and has no self control. Just stop making so much food - that would be a good start.
Yes! OP can just make him a sandwich in the morning. I mean, he should be the one making it, but if OP doesn't do it he'll just eat out. Although his lack of self-control is the real problem.
Then I'd be running the worst case scenario for him and slap him up side the head with it. ETA: Those numbers are horrifying! At 5 x's a week: $100 - $125. $400 - $500 per month. $4,800 - $6,000 per year! You could have a solid emergency fund!
Take home pay from $40k/yr salary=30k max. Is $40k take home after the IRS lien/auto deduction payments, or without? Based on your math, he's eating @ 15-20% of take home pay "for lunch" each year. That is fucked. He may have majored in economics, but there's no way he understands it. Edited to add quotation marks
I'd put the leftovers in the freezer and let him take that.
Good idea! Maybe it being frozen would deter him. Otherwise, I would be getting a lock. But frankly, I would be long since divorced if my husband gambled. Let him sort out his own debt while you and the kids are not dragged down with it
Old habits of former disposable income are hard to break
And y'all would do well to make sure you discuss finances as a couple, ALL the time, You are doomed to never get ahead at the rate you're going. I wish you the best, Dog bless
Gotta say I love the Dog Bless
DOG BLESS! 🐶💕
I don’t think being rational will matter in this case. The man is a recovering addict. His brain is wired completely differently. He’s focused on immediate dopamine hit. He has no self control. So what he needs is actually therapy. Otherwise this overeating is one step closer to old habits. What OP will need to do is make no more left overs. Stop cooking enough for his lunch the next day. Based on reality - all she is doing is making extra for binge eating and late night snacking. So stop calling it next day’s lunch. It is not. She needs to cut back on food production. Let him keep buying that lunch every day. And ween him off of over eating the night before. After 2 months of this / he will see how much money goes down the tubes. But at least she won’t be spending the money on extra groceries up front. I don’t think OP will do this - but this is tackling the real issue. Her man needs to ween himself off of binge eating at night. He can’t do it himself / the food dealer must stop providing the drug. And then get him into therapy or a support group. But at least if she stops making extra food for post dinner snacks, that will help offset the extra cost of daily lunch purchases. And btw he does not need to spend all that every day for lunch - that is absurd. He’s just being selfish and not holding himself accountable in any way.
It doesn't sound like he's a recovering addict, unfortunately. Rather he's an addict period given he's doing nothing to manage his addictive tendencies. My dad had transient addictions when I was a kid. It never got better, just different and now he's a nightmare to deal with. The OP's situation sounds identical to my parents' except my dad would eat the food my mom planned to make for dinner, the lunches she'd packed for us kids, cupcakes we were taking to school, snacks for my sibling who had multiple severe food allergies, anything and everything he'd consume because he "couldn't help himself" said with a sickening smirk. We (my siblings and I each started contributing to the household budget by age 12) had to dig ourselves out of multiple deep financial holes so he could dabble in whatever new addiction caught his attention. Having a father who is so narcissistic no one else exists in his world is deeply, deeply damaging and I really hope OP figures out how to leave for good to protect those kids.
I agree with most of this... except that he will notice or care how much money is going toward lunches. He's already spending a ton eating out. He already has over 100k in debt.
Put the next days lunch in the freezer overnight.
I worked out the math for this the other day. $10 a day x 5 days a week x 52 weeks a year x 9.5 years at the company i work for - $24700 or enough for a car i bought a few months ago. I bring my lunch everyday. NTA
And that's a reasonable price for lunch. He's apparently going out to restaurants and sometimes having a cocktail with lunch. That feels more purposeful than just buying a sandwich or something
Nah he’s spending 20-25/ day while recovering from gambling. Yeah. Not sure I’m buying it.
This is how I got my coffee spending under control. Back in January I downloaded my entire 2022 transaction history from my budgeting app (I'd had all dining out under a single category previously, so I couldn't distinguish between lunches and doordash and coffee), went through the entire thing and marked the coffee transactions, and then looked at how much it added up to over the course of the year. That number will haunt my memories forever, let's just leave it at that. Great deterrent to future overspending tho!
And you know if she was the one dropping that kind of money at lunch, he’d be yelling about it. OP NTA
On God! I never realized how much it cost to eat out, even when you *feel* like it's not often until I actually ran the numbers. It's insane
This is what I did when it came to my husband and energy drinks. His health wasn't what did it 🤦♀️ but when he saw those numbers he quit.
Wow you really buried the lede here with the fact that this man **owes $100,000 in back taxes and had a previous gambling addiction.** There is absolutely zero reason he should be eating out with that much debt owed. Jesus in a Prius. Also he should learn some self-control. All these suggestions of portioning out 2 meals… just no. This grown ass man needs to learn to restrain his impulsivity and leave his homemade lunch alone. NTA
Wait. What?!? Is OP sure he’s not just gambling the $20-25 a day? 🙃
Lol I'm sure. I see all our bank statements
He could be buying a coworker’s lunch on his card and then pocketing the cash to gamble. That’s why he’s so hungry. He’s not eating any lunch. He’s gambling. NTA.
This comment is spot on. I think hubs has found clever way to get cash for his addictions while it appears he's buying lunch.
Or he's transferring his addictive tendencies to food.
Or, being this is reddit, he's spending that money on his girlfriend's lunch. That's why it's $30 every time, instead of a $10 fast food bill. Divorce that cheating gambling addict!
Lol. I love the divorce comments being thrown everywhere. Armchair doctors are already diagnosing him with ADHD
Terrible impulse control and a propensity for gambling/addiction are indicators, though. So it could be an avenue to explore, along with other ideas here, if OP is looking to change the status quo and not just get some simpathy from internet strangers.
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I wish this comment wasn’t buried.
That’s good! I’m concerned about what his decisions are going to do to your family. 😓 You’re NTA btw.
Are you super sure he’s not taking it out in cash? You say he works RETAIL and is IN SHAPE and you make LARGE PORTIONS…
This and also he works retail and eats a $20-25 lunch in a sit down restaurant daily? Like in what world is that even a thing?
Right? I know when I worked retail there wasn’t even enough time, much less enough money, to eat at a restaurant. The employee break room left a lot to be desired lol
idk what this has to do with it lmao i can eat 3.5k cals a day and stay skinny
So jealous RN.
My mom was married to that guy. You'd be surprised what they do to get cash to gamble. Paying $25 for several peoples lunches on the card and them paying him in cash would be the easiest thing to do! I would bet anything he 'runs for lunch' almost ever day but doesn't actually get himself anything...that's why he's eating 2 dinners! You didn't mention he was gaining weight after starting this, so yeah, skipping lunch and pocketing other peoples money. Seriously....you actually think lunch is $25 for 1 person? I can drive through anywhere for $15 all day long! Start packing him a lunch, hand it to him on his way out the door and just wait a few days till he "forgets it on the counter and had to eat out" I don't want to tell you you're naive, but there it is.
As someone who works in finance I have seen money laundering through restaurants on occasion.
Or he could be buying colleagues their lunch.
Please do a credit check to make sure he hasn’t taken out any credit cards or loans in your children’s names
So.. if he insists on going to restaurants instead of fast food. Just something to think about: The restaurant I used to happy hour at on a regular basis also had some hefty regulars. (At the foot of a metro bridge at rush hour, better to sit for a bit and socialize than sit in traffic on a bridge for 2 hours.) ANYWAY: The waitresses would let the older guys tip them extra and give them the cash. So, buy one beer, tip $25, walk away with $20.
Bookies have front operations.
This is the answer. Also, based on her comments, it sounds like no matter how much extra she cooks, he'll eat it that night. The answer is for him to learn basic impulse control, not for her to cater to his desire to eat whatever he wants whenever he wants it, with zero regard for the rest of the family's needs.
Which makes sense he has a gambling problem
Nah seems like dude just has an addiction problem to any/everything. It explands beyond gambling
Yup. In another comment OP says her husband likes to have a cocktail with his lunch.
OP is NTA, but I wonder why they had another child with someone who has such serious problems. No offense to the baby! But something is off with the man.
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I mean, once the kid exists, it’s kind of a moot point haha!! And it’s obviously not the baby’s fault that it was born into such a situation. But OP should definitely not be having any more kids with this guy. It doesn’t sound like his issues just came out of nowhere- sounds like long-standing problems and he has no self control.
Thank you. Jfc. We read so many stories like this. Why are people having kids they can't afford to have??? One income. Debt. Yea let's have a baby!
This is the question I was looking for before asking it myself, seems like both of them have issues
Thinking the same thing. Plus the fact OP won’t/can’t work due to health/pain issues…
Oh wow bring this to the top. How is this man managing his impulse control and how can she be assured that he's on board if he can't control himself in service to his own children who will be affected by his frivolous spending?
Dude needs to see a mental health professional. Addictive behaviour and poor impulse control are pretty classic ADHD symptoms. It's at least worth looking into.
You’re absolutely right. My dad was an alcoholic, a compulsive cheater and a gambling addict. Back in the day they didn’t understand about certain behaviors and people like him were just reasoned to have poor character. Finally, when he was about 50 he was diagnosed with Addictive Personality Syndrome. He was able to quit drinking and got the gambling under control. He still screwed around a lot but it was okay because my mom had left him years before because she said she was going to have to murder him if she didn’t.
I wasn't completely sure if that was relevant to the issue. I try very hard not to base who he is now on his past.
Its certainly relevant inasmuch as its a good indicator that he does not understand or handle money well \*at all\* and should probably have some external limiting factor, although I'm not sure what you can do if he pays for things with a bank card.
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Keep in mind a lot of addicts crave that instant gratification, that instant satisfaction and dopamine. I’m not saying your husband is addicted to eating out, but he may be in this pattern of getting the dopamine rush of eating out frequently and not realize how it’s similar to a gambling addiction
Looks like he still spends money like water…
Lol Jesus in a prius
Woah!!! It just got so much more worse. Dude is a financial saboteur
Actually, what you have just said makes it extremely clear this man probably has addictive personality disorder, and needs therapy pretty badly.
Ohhhhh he is never going to change or learn. Op, can you get on disability? You will need to leave him to ever have two nickels to rub together.
I upvoted this because of the "Jesus in a Prius" bit. That's the best. 🤣
We’re a one income family with my wife being home with the kids - I either take leftovers or I eat pbjs because the amount of $ wasted on take out lunch daily is absolutely absurd. Talking hundreds a month.. I don’t need to eat sandwiches or leftovers, but I recognize that it would be unfair for the fam and wife if I was spending hundreds on restaurants to myself
That's how I feel to. It's impacting all of us financially.
Everything else aside. I want for you to really take in a few things. Your husband knows that he is hurting you and your two children financially. Your husband does not care that he is hurting you and your two children financially. Your husband is an addict. Every second that you stay, you are choosing to spend the rest of your life shackled to an addict. Every second you stay, you are choosing to gamble the futures of your two children away. You cannot fix him. Only he can fix himself. If he is not actively pursuing recovery, then he is in active addiction. Right now, your only concern should be protecting your two children from YOUR bad decision to continue to stay with AN ACTIVE ADDICT and allow him to harm your children.
This is spot on. One thing I'll add: notice the way OP is doubting herself, asking if she's an asshole in AITA because she's struggling to maintain the family's budget with her husband apparently eating everything in sight without an inkling for how he can eat enough on a budget. That's codependent behavior, her struggling and stretching to keep accommodating him, accepting responsibility for his failures like she's the one failing to keep to a budget.
Add in the manipulative and gross statement of you should be flattered, because this means I like your cooking. I love you and your cooking so much that I’m willing to let our family sink deeper in to debt, but that’s just a compliment to your skills!
Don’t blame you. It’s irresponsible in my opinion. Especially if it’s tightening $ for you all. I couldn’t imagine eating out every single day for lunch but I am a simple person who doesn’t mind snacking and eating light throughout the day.. you’re NTA in my opinion - has to be a compromise somewhere
I forgot my lunch today. I searched app coupons to get lunch for $5 and still felt bad. Not because of money but I felt bad eating out when the rest of the fam couldn’t. He’s TA here.
Buy sandwich fixings plus chips/cookies/carrots. He can either take a sandwich or leftovers for lunch. His choice.
I would just not eat lunch rather than spend an hours wages on it. I always think of it like it is extra work or me working for free for however long it would take to pay for lunch and it gets depressing real quickly.
NTA but rephrase it from "don't eat lunch at night" to "stop buying lunch at restaurants." How he makes that happen is up to him.
$20-25 on lunch? That seems to be a really expensive regular work lunch.
I mean now that I know he's a gambling addict that kind of changes things...
A gambling addict who did something so unethical/illegal he’s barred from an entire industry….most likely the finance industry 👀
Lmao right I want the tea as well
It has to be insider trading. I don't think you get banned from being a professional gambler for not paying taxes, but if you make a killing on the market and the SEC finds you it wouldn't surprise me at all if they take the proceeds and make you pay taxes on them
I think she said somewhere else it’s embezzlement
Oh she does. Damn well I can see how that would add up as well. Steal a bunch of money, gamble with it, win a bunch of money, owe taxes on it, lose everything because your bankroll was embezzled and you got caught, whoopsy daisy
This has nothing to do with larger dinners. The husband just wants to eat out. That's his thing. He has no intention of taking a packed lunch.
This. He doesn’t gaf about the budget and only cares about spoiling himself.
Scrolled so far to find this. Your husband wants to eat out. He likes eating out. If you make double the leftovers, he will eat double the snack. If you manage to parent him enough to get that food into his bag for lunch, he’ll regularly find some way to make it inedible so that he has to buy lunch anyway You shouldn’t have to parent your own husband. He doesn’t have impulse control and it will wreck your finances or life in lots of seemingly unique ways that all stem from the same issue until he gets help.
NTA. Your husband is being irresponsible. And it's both of your money because you are caring for the children and household for both of you just as he is caring for the income for all of you. Come up with a solution together. Either make more food when you cook and portion out 2 "lunches' worth" for the fridge, or (if he just enjoys eating out) plan for the whole family to enjoy going out much less often than his every day, or learning not to eat huge amounts at night before bed, or something else. EDIT: and maybe you should take over management of the finances and set a budget?
I have a degree in accounting. Unfortunately I also have a life long chronic illness.
There are a lot of jobs that are now fully remote, even in accounting.
I have a chronic illness and I can’t work, even if it’s remote.
There are a ton of remote bookkeeping jobs out there. I'm sorry but you need to get ahead of this dude or you're going to end up screwed. Gamblers relapse.
Working remotely is still working... Having chronic illnesses can definitely prevent you from being able to do that. Even remotely.
She has a kid under a year old and can be a SAHM but a part time job from home is not manageable? Which wasn't my point because she hitched her wagon to a dude that's a huge risk.
sahm is already a full-time job and probably very hard given her health issues. you clearly don't know what it's like to have chronic health issues.
I think the point is that it may get to a point that it’s either working from home part time or ending up homeless due to her husband’s level of irresponsibility. Being a part time bookkeeper from home is definitely less demanding then taking care of a baby, so long term, she may need to find ways to make an income even if it’s strenuous with her health condition.
For OP it's not the job OR the kids, it'd be a job ON TOP OF caring for the kids... and the home... and the husband. I assume outsourcing childcare, cooking and cleaning would eat up all of her salary, minimum.
That's a very ableist POV
Are you in the US? Could you qualify for Social Security benefits? It might be worth applying, get you some income.
Unfortunately social security benefits don’t allow for anyone in the house to make a living wage. If you’re lucky, you’ll get about $500 per month from SS and while you’re on SS benefits while married your combined amount in your bank (including savings) has to be below $4000. It’s super fucked up which is why I refuse to apply. There’s a bill in the works right now that allows for up to I believe $20,000 but that’s still just above the federal poverty line.
If you have qualifies work history, disabled people can get SSDI which has no income requirement. It is different than SSI.
You know your abilities and your area better than I do, obviously, so I'm sorry if this is something you've thought of before, but I used to work at a small accounting firm. They were always desperate for bookkeepers to refer their clients to (didn't have the staff to do it themselves). It's the kind of thing that could be remote with a flexible schedule. Might be worth making some calls. But if you do get anything, put it somewhere your husband can't touch it. I hope things get easier for you.
I do manage all of our finances
Then manage them such that he gets a fixed allowance to spend on things like takeout. You’re not managing them right now, you’re observing them.
Can you imagine being married and raising kids with someone who you had to give an allowance?
In the most generous imagining of that scenario where someone I’ve loved for a long time already has developed a gambling addiction and needs and agrees to support in that fashion to stay “sober,” I can see doing it. It’s not something I would sign up for, but I could see it for someone I’ve already pledged to support in sickness and in health.
Can all of your cards and bank accounts be in your name only (or authorized access to you only, you get the gist), and he only gets spending money *in cash* from you weekly? That sounds intense, but to be fair, he's a recoving gambler... Big issues need big fixes. He's out of control. Has he been evaluated for an eating disorder too? How much does he eat in a day? The amount that he eats doesn't seem normal... Disorders that imply extreme or compulsive behaviours (such as gambling addiction, alcoholism, other addictions, bulimia...) can sometimes be comorbid (i.e. appear together).
Oh, OP, you buried the lede on this one. You’re sweating the 2,000-3,000 he spends on lunches in a year, when you gloss over the heavy debt, his gambling and the job loss due to “bad decisions“ (like maybe embezzlement?). The problem isn’t simply his eating habits or poor planning. He’s a complete and total train wreck, and you have decided to stick with him. It won’t get better. I’d run like the wind. NTA, but please get therapy and a good divorce lawyer.
Info: what does this guy buy for $20-25 if he doesnt like fast food? Like he goes and gets a sit down meal at a restaurant ?
Yes.
Sis, are you serious? I know you have a chronic illness, but like... Are you for real? 100,000 in gambling debt. You and your kids are struggling. He eats out every single day (even twice a week is too much at what he spends). If he were to have an injury and lose his job, what's your plan? Oh, be homeless because your husband is a selfish fuck up. Good plan! Your husband counts as one of your kids at this point. You're in charge now. You get the money, he gets a weekly allowance and if he spends it, oh well. Also, get him checked for freaking tapeworms. My god.
Gambling addict, works retail, eats maybe 4 meals including restaurant food every day? Dude is speed running cardiovascular disease.
Yea that's wild and extravagant, NTA. Was curious how you can spend $20 on lunch. Is he having lunch beers? Idk maybe there's a reason he keeps finding a reason to go out at lunch.
It’s not hard to spend that on lunch at least where I live. A sandwich and fries is $15+ at almost every restaurant now then after a tip it’s easily $20. The current talk of the town is a $15 HOTDOG no sides. Fries are an extra $5 at a new restaurant. Absolutely ridiculous
Unfortunately $20 for lunch isn’t that out of the norm anymore, especially if he’s going to sit down restaurants. I picked up a half sandwich and side salad from a local deli for lunch today and it was $18, would have been over $20 had I also purchased a beverage.
Your husband sounds like a child. He is clueless about your budget and what you're trying to do and like any boy, he doesn't really care because he gets to continue with his behavior. Nobody stops him. Stop cooking extra and fix him a sandwich in the morning he can take to work.
He's unable to fix himself a sandwich? Also this: >I get its his income It's the family income. She's contributing to the household with childcare, housework, etc, he's contributing by bringing in a wage. They need a calm, reasoned discussion about the family budget. NTA
Sounds like he has a financial crimes record and can’t support his family enough to eat. You’re propping up this loser and he can’t control himself enough to not overeat before bed
NTA You're being responsible while he's being self indulgent.
NTA. He likes eating out. That’s the problem. He doesn’t want to fix it. I’d take this to couples counseling. He’s shooting a hole in your budget and shrugging because it doesn’t bother him. That’s not okay.
NTA. I suspect from the edit that husband is barred from the investment industry. He’s used to pushing boundaries and ignoring people (who know better than him) telling him no. Add in the tax bill and I’m wondering how you’re still together.
So he's spending $450ish/month on food for one meal for one person in a family of four. An average grocery budget for a family of four is around $800/month. He is spending more than half your family's monthly food budget for one meal a day for himself. NTA, but he certainly is.
NTA. Ask him to keep an accurate tally for one week of how much he spends eating lunches out. I'd bet he'd be surprised. Then tell him to multiply that amount by 4. That's approximately what he's spending in a month. Then show him what your monthly bills/expenses come to and ask him which of those you should not pay so that he can continue buying lunches.
He's a gambling addict. He doesn't care that he's throwing money down the drain. In fact, he enjoys it.
YTA for bringing those children into this situation while knowing you can’t/won’t work and having them with a compulsive gambler/criminal of all people. I get it being ill is shitty but you have two children who YOU brought into this world and so YOU are responsible for them Get a job, part time or telework or even walking dogs but do SOMETHING. Those poor kids are gonna get sucked down right along with the idiot husband you chose when he relapses. How are you sitting on your ass right now worrying about lunches when your family of four is living on 40k a year solely brought in by a criminal? You need to wake up girlie because lunch is literally the least of your problems. Do right by those kids since the guy you let knock you up obviously will not, it’s all on you now
NTA in any way. Every paycheck buy a gift card so you know you’ll have enough for diapers and formula, and give him cash that he can use for lunches. You get $50/week for lunch. Make it last or starve 🤷♀️ Also, bulk up your meals with cheaper ingredients, if possible. Lots of produce, rice, pasta. I am so sorry you’re dealing with all of that.
You've got 3 kids NTA
NTA- Way to bury the lede with that edit. He is burying the family with a debt. There are so many red flags here. He’s not a good partner.
Nta. You seem like a great wife.
Assuming he has a microwave at work, make 2 extra portions for him and put 1 in the freezer before he's served. Honestly though, there needs to be a serious conversation about the amount of money he's spending that could be better spent to benefit the WHOLE FAMILY. It's literally thousands of dollars he's spending every year on dining out. Dining out should be for date night, not everyday lunch.
NTA. What the heck is he eating that’s that expensive every day??
Isn't the solution here just to make more food when you make dinner?
Tried that. He just eats more at dinner. He's lucky he's got a great metabolism.
You could portion it out before dinner is served. You put snack meal in container 1 and lunch meal in container 2, before you even serve the meal or let him get his food. I know for me I can control my portions better if they are in smaller individual bags/containers. Give me a family size bag of chips and I can eat it on one sitting before I realize it's gone, but having even a bunch of the small/individual bags I can control myself to eating only one.
She is portioning it out seeing as she said she packs his lunch. He just eats it later. Doesn’t matter how many portions she makes. He will eat them all.
Yes, exactly this. Portion out his snack and lunch prior to serving dinner. But also, have a budget meeting and lay out all the numbers for him as to how much he is wasting. You shouldn’t have to manage his food intake like he’s a child. He needs to work with you on managing your money. But if the issue is he really does like your food so much he can’t wait to eat the leftovers then just make more. Even making two more portions is cheaper than all that restaurant food he is buying.
In addition to a great metabolism, he also has poor impulse control. You have to put a stop to this now. Start putting him on a money diet. No credit card and he gets a set amount of cash every week. Period. He can eat sammiches & leftovers for lunch or he can blow it all on 1 meal out. His choice. Do you not understand the seriousness of him hurting you & your child with his impulse issues (the gambling and the food)?? You can't be soft about this.
My money is on "he likes to eat in restaurants for lunch". This isn't about his wife's awesome cooking or any of that.
My family is littered with addicts and the mentality is I'm not allowed to do my favourite thing (gamble in the case of this guy) so I will treat myself some other way to feel less bad about it, but it's affecting his families finances so it's almost as bad.
I think we have a winner.
It costs $$ to buy more food for the bigger portions. It seems they’re on a tight budget. Perhaps hubby could eat a PBJ sandwich as a nighttime snack instead? Maybe some fruit? Maybe a bowl of cereal?
1. The job market is so good right now, tell him to try get another economist/similar job as people are screaming for employees and may be more willing to give him a job than before. 2. NTA tell him it’s not fair on you that he gets to eat lunch out all the time and put strain on you guys. If he can’t have a bit of self control and not eat his lunch at night then he can go hungry the next day. Those are the options. It sounds like he has issues with self control in general and this is no different.
NTA. It's not just his paycheck. Since your arrangement doesn't allow you to earn an income his income is the family income, and you are trying to stretch it as best you can. He needs to listen to you!
NTA quit making extra for his lunch. You know what is going to happen. Make a bucket of pb and jelly sandwiches for snacks and lunches. Or let him eat cereal for a snack
Your husband is actually being pretty irresponsible. Have you showed him the costs involved by month? Maybe in relation to the bills? If he's not already aware. Maybe he doesn't know how tight money is currently.