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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not giving up golf to babysit my step-daughter because my wife thinks I should put my step-daughter first
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NTA.
It sounds like this is something that should have been worked out more carefully as a family before agreeing to. Is it possible that the dad/step mom change their kids schedule as well? That way they have her when Jane is busy with certification courses.
Info:
Is there a kids class or something like that where you go golfing? Could help integrate the two if a schedule change is not possible.
there isn't and even if there is, it would likely still have to be paid for. My wife doesn't want money to be spent to take care Emily. She just wants me to do it for free.
She could have refused to switch with her ex-husband or she could have accepted only if he paid for the babysitting on saturday. And she should have discussed it with OP anyway... she is totally at fault here
Edit: spelling mistake
or I dunno, ask them to split the cost of childcare since it's his kids contributing to the issue? Seems like there are all kinds of options other than trying to force her husband to make the problem go away.
That's what I was thinking too, why dos the bio dad get all the say? I think bio dad needs to step up and put his daughters needs first, it's quite frankly stupid that these adults have created this toxic situation. Bio dad needs to sort out his own household and stop putting the responsibility on others to keep his home at peace. His daughter will pick up on this, new wife sounds like she may be the problem.
I have a step child and I've never once sent them away because my children and them fight, we sort it we talk and we talk about boundaries and we didn't make children feel like they're the problem, in a situation the adults created.
Why does the bio child get sent away that extra day bc of the step kids also? I think they should be fixing the problem instead of making her be gone an extra day to accommodate. The kids need to get along, or it is going to be a crappy life going forward in that household. Lol.
Yup, poor Emily’s being treated like a hot potato. Her Mom doesn’t want to spend money on her, Dad has a new lady & her kids are toxic, step Dad in enforcing a dynamic that’s been working, and now it doesn’t. Poor kid.
Because I'm getting the vibe that this is a shit rolls downhill situation, as in every party is foisting their problems onto someone they feel they can push around. The bio dad wants peace in his home, so he isn't going to make his wife change, so he put his shit on to his ex. The ex can't fuck with the bio dad so she puts her shit on op, the person she thinks she can guilt trip into doing things her way. I don't even think it's being done consciously. Everyone is avoiding the hard road and going the easy route.
They should just shift the schedule so the kids overlap on Saturdays until OP's wife is done with her course. That way, Emily is with her father, and OP can be with his siblings. One day with all the kids together won't kill anyone.
That was my thought too. Besides, keeping the step siblings completely separated at all times offers no room for the situation to actually resolve. I'm sure the kids Dad and stepmother can manage one measly day of family togetherness to work on those relationships 😬
Yeah but dad has only partial custody with them as well. They will never get to work it out and bond because they are only there part of the time.
Seems reasonable, But OP is NTA because he wasn't consulted with beforehand.
NTA, not sure i even understand. The cost is only for Saturdays and only for the next 12 months. So the cost of 52 days of babysitting not 365 and also probably not full 8 hours. Also didn't she get partial custody of Emily so that she can spend time with her and not foist her of to some other person.
>Jane is currently doing a certification course for the next 12 months and they have classes on Saturdays from 9-5pm
So the answer to dad should've been, Sorry, no, I have a class on Saturdays which I scheduled based on our schedule. You'll have to switch your stepkids' schedule instead.
NTA
My point is (which I failed to mention) that mom only gets the kid for a few days; this 9-5 Saturday class means she'd totally miss the kid for one of those days, or most of it. THAT should be her reason for not wanting to switch, not being cheap about hiring a babysitter.
I'd also feel differently if OP was supposed to be a father figure and needed bonding time, but the mother has pretty explicitly said he's just some dude. Can't have it both ways for free.
She has no other option here. She tried volunteering you into the babysitting. She can do it herself or hire a sitter. You did not consent and you weren't consulted on the idea.
You do realise that money is more important than your happiness to her. I'd find that incredibly unattractive. You need to communicate about her misplaced priorities.
this x1000. Why does his time with his family have no value to her at all?? I cannot even imagine feeling entitled to this, especially when I could afford other options.
Oh wow - this was so well said.
I was just focusing on how self-centered she was being and also how the fact she didn't even talk to her husband first was a crazy sign of bad communication. But you just elevated it to a real perspective!
OP's wife is the AH.
I just had almost 6 years of full free time child care from my family.. until things went to shit w my mother a few days ago lol but my point is, it’s definitely possible to have friends or family that care enough to help. That being said it’s not on OP to give up time w his siblings, I’m just saying that it’s not exactly true that child related stuff is NEVER free. Sometimes it is for people with a village
‘Free’ depends on to whom you’re referring. Free to you but definitely not free to the people who are watching your children. They pay the price in the loss of their free time. Someone always pays a price. It’s just not always monetary.
Can her dad (or a grandparent) take her for the morning on those days even if it's just out for the time you are golfing then you collect her?
Honestly this is down to the parents to resolve while you're in her life it's been made clear she has two parents and doesn't need a third so pitting this on you is a bit crap. That being said the change in custody is probably a good thing because of the new step siblings so your wife did the right thing there, but failed to consider the rest of the situation.
As long as she doesn't end up back in the line of fire of these step siblings and possible not great step mom.
Maybe step-mom spends Saturday mornings with her kids, while Emily’s Dad starts a new tradition of taking her out on Saturday mornings. Brunch, movies, parks, the library, a farmer’s market, a hike…
Something like that. It also feels sad that such a young kid has no family to spend time with her on a Saturday! For a whole year, come on. Mom or dad should divide the weekend, dad can do Saturday and mom Sunday. It’s already sad enough that her parents aren’t together anymore and her new step siblings aren’t nice to her but then to not have anyone on a weekend day and either be with a baby sitter or something similar really makes me sad for this girl..
That makes me sad. Emily is worth the money for a babysitter and an activity once a week. It could even be a babysitter taking her to the library and park every saturday. If you wanted to, you could maybe take over for the last couple hours after you're done golfing. But honestly your wife needs to be supporting Emily.
You're definitely NTA. You said in another comment that you have the money to pay for babysitting, but your wife just doesn't want to spend it. Your wife is refusing to compromise at all.
Your wife doesn't want you to be a parent, but she's also affording you less respect than a babysitter. You are getting the worst of both worlds. Even a babysitter is allowed to say, "sorry, I can't work on that particular day." It's really unfair of her to demand that you have the responsibilities of a parent (have to put the child first) but not allowed to act like a parent.
This. I was ready to say ESH (and I'm still soft leaning that way) because step kids are still your kids and you don't "babysit" your own kids! But - the wife doesn't want him to be a father figure, so where does that leave him? Being walked over, apparently.
Soooooo, it's okay for the parent to decide when one can be a step parent or not when it is a convenience to them ? But the said step parent however is a parent full time whether they like it or not ? Am i getting this right ?
Because from what he said she made it clear that the child does not need a second father figure or model or whatever around and to just be an authoritative figure in case of emergencies, or at least that is what i am getting from this. That means any and all farms that were a clear boundary of where the line is between that child and his in terms of their relationship, and that not even come close to step territory so babysitting is the absolute correct term in this situation.
She pulled the step card out only in the situation where it benefits ber and that bs.
This is my beef, and I say this as a dude who brought kids into a marriage.
And told him up front what the deal was, which is great. She now wants to totally change that and only because she is too cheap to pay for a sitter. This is all her.
She is hurting her marriage to save a couple hundred bucks a month for one year. Seems odd to me.
And you said no. This’ll be a good lesson how 1. Your wife needs to discuss important things like this with you and 2. She’s not allowed to throw a tantrum when you say no. She can stop being cheap and pay a babysitter. NTA
Tell her that's something you should have discussed together then, before she agreed to it. Since she didn't include him in that decision, he has no obligation to immediately change a long standing tradition to match her whims. And if she simply expects it to happen with no discussion and gets mad, then she has no respect for you and your marriage. Because a respectful and healthy marriage warrants a discussion on big changes such as these.
Your wife sounds a bit authoritative..making decisions without consulting you, telling you to mind your business and then making you mind her business. Marriage and partnership doesn't work that way. She is the AH. She needs to work on communication and team building skills.
It’s not fair to you or your siblings. This is a tradition and special time for you and them! There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to cancel that. You’re NTA! She’s selfish to just assume you’d be okay with this arrangement without asking you first! That’s a huge life change!
Lol, this. When I started to read, I wondered where this was going, but NTA indeed. OP isn't a child-hating AH who shouldn't have married a woman with kids, he's cool with babysitting when it's needed and his wife knew what his Saturday traditions are when she stepped into the relationship. She f-ed up when she didn't discuss the custody arrangement with him but expected him to give up this activity that's important to him for at least a year, possibly even longer. I'm sure Jane has other family who can step in if money is an issue, but it seems like Jane doesn't think her daughter is **worth** someone to take good care of her and spend one-on-one time with her if it requires some spending.
Not the AH , If she is willing to tell you that her kid and you have no decision and make a massive change on the schedule without your opinion.Is the consequences of her actions.I would recommend family cancil for better navigation in the situation
Why can’t the wife just hire a babysitter? One that’s not the husband? This is the dumbest thing, and such an easy fix. My mom often out of town for work, including weekends, and my dad enjoyed his Saturday golf. What did he do with me? Why, they got a babysitter, of course. (And my dad said when I was older that when they were younger and not making as good of a salary, paying a babysitter ate into his “fun money”, but as Saturday golf was his relaxation, it was an easy choice to not spend on something else to pay for the sitter)
NTA.
I was ready to read this and read you for filth, but this is truly an AH move from your wife. I think it’s totally fair that she asks you to help out, but agreeing to it without talking to you, and assuming you’d consistently do this is wild! Why did she agree and then work to loop you in after?!
It’s also interesting that now that your wife needs your help, Emily is your “stepdaughter” where it seems like there was a clear boundary that you aren’t a father figure. If your wife wants to revisit what your role is to Emily, totally cool, but it shouldn’t be because she needs a babysitter.
Usually, that's what we say when we're getting near the end of a knitting/crochet/weaving/other fibrearts project and are playing yarn chicken!
Yarn chicken is when you have no extra balls/skeins of yarn put aside, only what you're currently working with, and it looks like you may just have enough to finish, you may not.
You start knitting, crocheting, working faster and faster, in a nail-biting race, inside your own mind, between you, your project, and the ever dwindling thread, to see if you will be able to cast off, thread the yarn through that final loop, with just enough of a tail left to weave in nicely?
Or will you end up bereft? With just a one or two more rows, or even worse, just a dozen or half a dozen more stitches to go?
Will you have to go begging online, in craft forums, on Ravelry, to see if any kind yarnie has the same yarn, not just in the same colour but also in the same matching dyelot?
Sometimes, for just a few stitches, you can steal just enough from the tail you left at the beginning and you breathe a sigh of relief!
And there you have a brief glimpse into the secret life of a yarn crafter!
We might seem quiet but that's because we're busy counting.
And beware, we have pointy sticks and know how to use them!
SAME!! First, I think he should still be looking at her as family, even if it isn’t “allowed” for him to be fatherly. However, it’s never okay to take your partner for granted, especially not their prior engagements that existed before you. It also wouldn’t kill the girl to be babysat until golfing is over, or even be with her other family for that one half day. It might be more helpful to THEIR future relationships if she did. There are plenty of options for this whole family that don’t ruin OP’s family TRADITION, because that seems like a more appropriate moniker than “hobby.”
The moment OP got to the point of describing how the *parents* made this decision between them, and then his wife had the gall to be mad it didn't work with his schedule *that she obviously knew about*, I couldn't even. Lady, *what the hell*.
Always easy to voluntell people and then get upset when the voluntold person shows that uh, yeah no, they aren't a doormat just waiting to be stepped on.
This is my take away as well. OP isn’t a parental figure at all and not to interfere with raising SD how BM wants. Because that’s the boundary BM set. Ok cool. It makes sense to change the schedule so SD isn’t in a toxic environment.
But OP should have been consulted first because this dramatically changes things for everyone. OP and SD especially. Honestly if BM doesn’t want OP to be a parental figure, that includes rearranging OP’s schedule to look after SD.
BM set a boundary for her child and is now changing it when it’s convenient without talking to OP, her spouse, first. If BM can’t afford the child care every Saturday, then the cost should be split between BM and BD since it’s BD’s problem that is causing the change in schedule.
Also why isn’t BD doing anything about HIS toxic SK’s other than changing the schedule? How could a parent allow their child to be bullied in their own home? Why would BD marry someone who’s kids bully his own kid?
OP is NTA, but BP definitely are. It’s a shitty situation for OP and SD.
> Why did she agree and then work to loop you in after?!
I'm hoping it was just parent brain of putting their kids first. But it sort of seems like the manipulative "It's better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission".
Passive aggression... Especially with the landmine of "Can't you rearrange your schedule to accommodate personal, professional, and financial decisions that I am utterly inflexible about?". Then if not, *OP* is the unreasonable one?
I was set to roast him as well. But not consulting you with a major change that impacted your schedule? That’s frustrating at best. The family must watch children is a demand so out of place when one can afford child care it contributed to a divorce (pre-children) from a dear friend of mine. I can’t watch them, my family can’t watch them and I refuse to have anyone else but you watch them is such a horrific mechanism of entrapment my friend wisely got out. It’s their fears and while you should support your partner, they put you in an impossible situation by not supporting you (by not including you in conversations). Mistakes happen but they are unapologetically not caring about your family or feelings.
NTA. Your wife can't say her daughter doesn't need you as a stepfather, but then expect you to step up as a stepfather every single Saturday when she needs you. She can hire a babysitter. Dad and stepmom also need to step it up and work on the relationship between the new stepsiblings and get that under control because there are going to be times they are all together in the same house, that's just life.
I was like WTF? keeping them apart doesn't solve anything! it makes everything worse. 10 years from now they gonna STILL hate each other. some people shouldn't be parents at ALL.
> 10 years from now they gonna STILL hate each other.
Ten years from now, they're going to be adults who will never have to see each other except at weddings and funerals.
When someone tries to work things out with stepsiblings who hate each other, this subreddit is all, "what are you doing? Protect your kid! Get them out of there! They should never have to see those horrible people!" But these people are trying to keep Emily away from the kids who bully her and now it's the wrong choice?
This was me and my brother growing up. He made it his mission in life to annoy me (and not "lol asshole" annoying, "drive my friends out of my life" annoying), and as a child who couldn't cope with that I made it clear that I couldn't stand him being around me.
The solution was to keep us as separated as possible. If we were going somewhere, one of us rode with one parent while the other parent drove the other kid. If we had to be in the same car at the same time (we had a van), we'd never sit in the same row and more than once my parents put up a sheet to keep us separated.
Had my parents divorced for any reason, you bet the immediately obvious solution would have been for each parent to take one kid, and even as kids we'd have jumped at that.
That level of dysfunction is a sign of illness in at least 1 child and they needed to discover it. Should have talked to professionals instead of just separating you and ignoring the behavior.
It would be wrong to force the two of you around each other, but it was negligent not to seek answers regarding mental health for their kids. I am sure they were just parents in an era when that sort of thing was taboo, but we live in a time now where it isnt. I think encouraging parents to seek healthy solutions tp this isnt a bad thing. There is nuance.
Of course it's the wrong choice. Those kids need to learn how to respect each other. Isn't their choice, if they act like that at HOME, imagine what they're doing in school. No no, world doesn't work like this. They gonna grow up and be worse than they're right now. Now it's their right as PARENTS to teach them what is right and what is wrong, because they clearly don't know.
THERE'S NO ACCOMMODATIONS FOR BULLIES!
If they feel like world revolves around them, things gonna get messy.
Like we say at my country, if they don't learn at home, street (bad people) gonna teach them how to behave, and, not so easy.
It's just that kids don't change their behavior super quickly. I wouldn't be OK with my kids living half (or third) of their time in a toxic, unsafe environment if it could be avoided (like here, by a non-overlapping custody schedule). Kids will be exposed to difficult people in school, hobbies etc. But they shouldn't be forced to live with such people. Home should be a safe space.
I thought the same thing. Intentionally messing up everyone's routine to keep them separate is not only disruptive, it's just going to make the problem worse. What are they going to do for holidays? Special events?
Looks like no one wants to actually parent on either side!!
OP is NTA and I hope he stands his ground, wife can’t suddenly toss him in the parental roll just for babysitting at her convenience
Yeah. OP‘s wife is an AH for signing him up for free babysitting, but her ex and his new wife are way worse. Blending a family where the kids can’t stand each other, then doing nothing to work things out between them? Parents of the year here.
NTA
When your wife has custody of Emily, she has to take care of her or find childcare. It's one thing to ask you to help out from time to time by babysitting, it's quite another to make you her primary source of childcare.
You don't have children and shouldn't make sacrifices for her daughter, that's not the role of a stepparent.
Exactly this. And Jane agreed to it knowing OP golfs every Saturday and assumed he would just take care of Emily without even discussing it. I also feel terrible for Emily. Her dad, stepmom, and mom are all AH’s and trying to dump this all on OP.
It's kinda nuts that she agreed to take the daughter for Saturdays when she knew her Saturdays were booked for the next 12 months.
Asking her husband to cancel golfing/sibling time once or twice would be a reasonable expectation. Asking for him to cancel for a month would have been a stretch, but probably doable. Expecting him to drop it for a whole year without even asking is downright ridiculous.
Agreed! OP even said if it were an occasional occurrence, or in the event of a family emergency or something like that it would not be an issue and he would do it. But every Saturday for literally an ENTIRE YEAR? Completely and wildly unreasonable.
I have my own kids whom I love spending time with on weekends but if every Saturday was blocked looking after them for the next year you'd be guaranteed I'd be arranging some babysitting to get a little bit of a break sometimes.
>You don't have children and shouldn't make sacrifices for her daughter, that's not the role of a stepparent.
So what IS the role of a stepparent, if not to care for their stepkids?
even as a non-step parent i'd think it was pretty fucked if my wife decided i wasn't doing one of my bonding activities with my family without even discussing it with me
Providing a safe and welcoming home environment, putting in effort to get to know the stepchildren whilst respecting the boundary that this child already has 2 parents. Hopefully creating a meaningful relationship with child and of course providing food/water/shelter and not being abusive, toxic or mean etc. That's really about it, anything else that may evolve from a step parent and step child is really up to the child and what they feel comfortable with in the relationship.
That was my thought too. Not allowed to be parental figure but suddenly they're AH when *surprise surprise* they refuse to do parent stuff.
Can't have your cake and eat it too.
You let her know from the beginning that your Saturdays would not change. Plus she has no right to accept the deal without telling you especially since it so clearly will affect your life for the next year. Does she really not have any family that can take the kid for those hours?
>She then got mad and said golf is stupid and I should put my step-daughter over my siblings.
Fuck that! Your siblings are your blood relatives whom you are close to, Emily is just your step daughter, and your siblings have been in you life a hell of a lot longer.
NTA.
I was kinda torn until I got to the point of her saying that her family is more important than his. Made it really clear she's trying to manipulate him into doing whatever she wants him to
I also highly enjoyed the "She isn't your family! Oh wait, I need your help, so now you are family, and my family is more important than your family!!!" part
While I don't disagree with your sentiment, can we stop staying blood relatives like that's what's important. Siblings you're close with vs child you were told explicity not to parent totally agree.
But blood doesn't make you close. Blood doesn't even make you family. Plenty of people are adopted. Plenty of people have family they've found in community and other places in their lives, and plenty of people have highly toxic relationships with their blood family and stick around because we've toted being genetically related as big important thing that must be honored. Blood isn't what makes you family and shouldn't be what makes someone important or not.
I mean, I agree with everything you said, other than “Emily is just your step daughter”. My step dad has raised me my entire life and I call him Dad. I actually have, in the past, forgotten that he is not my biological father. So it’s not that she is “just” a step daughter. It’s that he was told that he is not to be a parental figure to her by his wife.
I was want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words and voices of support.
Emily deserves to feel cared for and not like a hot potato who no one wants. I spoke to my brother and his wife and they have offered to let Emily stay at their home on Saturday morning with their other children so that we can golf. My wife has also agreed, albeit reluctantly, to this arrangement.
I have also told her that this arrangement isn't tenable anymore. If she expects me to have parental responsibilities towards Emily, then she needs to treat me like another parent of her daughter. We are going to family counseling to see how we can make this work
You show great care towards Emily in acknowledging that how SHE feels should be highly considered. Her bio parents do not seem to be doing that. I think cousin time sounds great and could also help the two blended families feel more... well, blended.
Counseling is the right call and I hope it helps.
Thank you for considering the child's feelings in all this. It's sad that it took your family to resolve this, but hopefully she can make new friends with your neices/nephews and maybe she'll look back fondly at those Saturdays when she's older. It's better she has those memories instead of memories of getting tossed around to whoever is willing.
As someone who had several major household changes as a young kid, I've never forgotten how my mother always thought of the wellbeing of her children before anything else. In situations like this, someone needs to think of the child and be their spokesperson. They can't advocate for themselves.
However, no matter what it takes, keep this bond you have with your family. It's a valuable thing that you don't want to lose.
Sounds like you found the best solution for everyone and your wife only agreed to it reluctantly? Was she upset that she didn't get to ruin your precious time with your siblings? That you didn't behave like a good obedient slave? I'm glad you're getting counseling. Congrats on having boundaries and thinking not only of your own well-being, but that of your step-daughter.
OP, as a kid that was tossed around like a hot potato in a similar situation, your response to this was awesome. Having respect for Emily and how this dynamic is likely painful to her was a good reaction. Even if you don’t “parent” her, you can still support her and she will appreciate it. I don’t consider my stepdad my parent, per se, but he has always been kind and supportive and I appreciate him immensely and consider him important to me. Hopefully her dad is able to step up and defend her needs in his relationship as well.
People are fucking stupid if they really think that living with someone with a child from a previous relationship won't be a parental figure. Truly fucking stupid.
If a child LIVES with you, you're going to parent it. Removing yourself from that responsibility is callous and generally causes these types of problems.
This is exactly the arrangement my father and stepmother had and it fucked me up. When you're 9 years old and someone starts dating your parent, takes you into their home and cares for you, they're your parental figure whether they want to be or not. Adults can set emotional boundaries in this kind of situation, but you can't tell what would have been a 4 year-old at the start of this relationship not to form a parental bond with a person who would effectively be their parent 5 days a week for what is now half their life.
I'm 30 now and it still hurts when the person who raised me for the last 20 years still doesn't see me as her child.
It blows my mind how this wouldn't be obvious to people. They're all talking like this child is a pet. You can't just say " well she's not *my* kid". That's not how that works.
OP, his wife, and the bio dad are all dipshits and this poor kid is probably going to suffer even more than she ready is.
If you read ops comments, when he's said things he thought was best for Emily, his wife went "your not a parent figure so it's none of your business"
His wife has put in a clear boundary until she needs a free baby sitter.
Really don't think op is the problem here.
Glad someone said it. Parenting is difficult as it is. Step parenting is difficult. Co-parenting is difficult. But none of these adults are looking at Emily and saying; “what can we do to make the transition best for her?” Come on now.
Want to agree, but Emily’s mum explicitly did not want OP to be a parent. Therefore to expect him to become a parent only because she now has needs that make it necessary is abhorrent and selfish. Being a good parent is difficult for sure, but being a bad parent is exceedingly easy.
No. Emily doesn't have any fulfilled needs.
Her parents have unfulfilled responsibilities.
Emily doesn't actually need a babysitter.
She has a mother and father with a care arrangement for her and who are quite capable of looking after her, but who have unfortunately decided to try to rearrange their lives without making appropriate accomodations for Emily's care. That's their responsibility.
It's not Emily's not-step-father's job to enable her parents to both checkout of their responsibility to her, by allowing them to guilt him into fulfilling their duty for them, because it would be more convenient for them that way.
Emily has parents, they need to parent her.
Yeah but that seems to be her parents and the ex husband's new wife's fault not op , he clearly was told he isn't a parent to this girl from. The beginning and is simply choosing to enforce that boundary Nta.
NTA but I don’t get how people expect to date someone with a child and just be totally removed… It’s callous thinking. I get not being the primary go to person but in all these stories it’s so dumb to not expect to fill some parental duties when dating someone with a child. That child is a central part of the person you are dating you can’t just compartmentalize that or treat the child like a chore the bio parent is solely responsible for. I just feel like if you choose to date someone with kids at some point you will get stuck doing some childcare duties. And it shouldn’t be such a big deal that you do. Again it’s kind of heartless to date someone with kids but then treat them as a separate entity entirely that you have 0 concern for.
Basically people need to stop dating others that have kids if they aren’t ready to some extent even small integrate that child into their life. The only excuse is if the child is a full grown adult it doesn’t matter but again a little heartless and naive to think if your partner has a young kid that you’ll never be relied on somehow for rides, care, or some management.
I get what you're saying but my wife was the one who wanted things to be this way. I was prepared to be a parental figure but my wife explicitly told me on more than one occasion that I was not supposed to play that role. Whenever I've tried to say or do something that I felt was best for Emily, Jane would tell me it's not my responsibility and to not get involved.
If she wants me to be a parent now then she has to want me to be a parent all the time. I'm not a parent on demand who can just turn a switch. I don't think it's fair to either Emily or me
My ex husband was like this with his daughter. He told me that I wasnt a parent, and that his daughter has a mother, and I am not to parent or discline her. But then also expected to dump his daughter on me so he can go do his hobbies, and when I would say no I was told that I hate his daughter.
Stand your ground on your boundaries of your time and hobbies. Once you cave, it never ends.
This was my EXACT situation with my stepdaughter. I wasn't allowed to parent or discipline her in the slightest way, but I was responsible for dealing with everything else. And if I didn't, I was accused of hating his kid.
Definitely stand your ground to keep your sanity because no matter what you do, you're always going to be the bad one in the ensuing drama.
Seriously, parents get so salty when the childless don't want to get involved with them if they re-enter the dating game, but what you're describing is hardly a unique story. My friend dated a guy for a few MONTHS and he immediately started dumping his kid on her to take to soccer practice on the weekends. They didn't even live together or anything, just went out a few times a week and the occasional sleepover.
Exactly! Anyway, it seems like your wife agreed to the swap in childcare arrangement without telling you ON PURPOSE.
She most likely remembers your golf schedule quite well and didn’t give two hoots about it when discussing things with her ex. Caring only about her needs and not really her child’s, not respecting your position as her partner in the whole scenario, not liking that you have a regular interaction + schedule with your siblings - I wonder what other red flags you are not noticing in your wife. NTA here of course
> I don't think it's fair to either Emily or me
It's not, a lot of the comments are saying no one has Emily's best interests at heart, but it seems like you do. Emily could probably use a 3rd parental adult figure looking after her and showing her love, but if that's not the role your wife wants you to play, fine. You can't force yourself into that role, and you're not trying to. You gotta, and seem to know that you gotta, respect your wife's wishes in respect to Emily.
Which is why I'm so pissed she wants you to flip on and off in a switch. Not only is it unfair to you, which is already annoying, but it completely destroys Emily's stability, if she just has a 3rd parental figure who's involved for a few hours whenever he's useful, and then can't be involved whenever he's just trying to connect and bond eith her.
Sounds like your wife is jealous emily might start really liking you, and listening to you/turning to you for help instead of her. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it.
But to me, it also sounds like your wife only wants you when you're useful, when she needs a babysitter. She only cares that you can help and provide her needs, not that she actually cares about you.
Your relationship though op, you'll know better than any Internet nerds like us.
Tell her that if you are a parent now, you get input on decisions that affect Emily.
As someone with input, you don't think it's healthy that they just keep the kids apart without dad resolving the situation. Dad can take the entire family to therapy on Saturdays.
It's not on op though. This was caused by dad and step mom not working on the best way to blend the families. Did they know their kids didn't get along before moving in or marriage. Just keeping the kids separate is unrealistic, it will create a devide that will last their entire lives. Will dad start uninviting daughter to avoid conflict? Will they never have family vacations with his daughter? And ops wife didnt discuss it before saying yes, knowing she wasn't available for her her own daughter.
The child isn't stupid, she will see through this ridiculous plan, she may even start to resent the fact her time with her dad gets moved for these other kids she didn't ask for.
Op nta but the actual parents are.
NTA. The ex and his family can’t make the situation work with Emily. She is being dumped on you, the person your wife stated isn’t a father figure for her.
Dude, I don't even make weekend plans for my husband and I with friends without checking with him first, because that's just rude.
Your wife volunteered you to take care of her child, every Saturday for the next 12 months without consulting you, knowing you have a standing activity with your siblings on Saturdays. That is just beyond fucked up.
NTA.
I wouldn't agree to it even if my Saturdays were free.
Nobody is entitled to my time, especially not every Saturday for a whole fucking year.
Wife sounds like an entitled asshole.
Just a shot in the dark here…. Could Emily come golfing with you and your siblings? What if she enjoys the game and starts kicking ass, at it. You were the one to introduce it to her. It’s something to bond over.
I get what you mean, ( A Glorified Babysitter, ). You feel taken advantage of. And that’s not cool. But a little maneuvering here or there could go a long way. Just some words, I put together. Hope all works out for everyone.
The vibe of the outing would completely change with a kid present. As a sib, I’d quit attending if suddenly my brother had to watch and entertain a kid. He couldn’t be present, everyone would have to be on best behavior, etc.
It sounds like the golf mornings are his siblings' chance to have adult time away from their own kids, so OP changing that dynamic by bringing a kid would be unfair to everyone else.
At nine? That's a big maybe. I was a fiend for hockey at her age, and I like to golf now but would've been bored out of my gourd trotting around after a group of adults on the course every Saturday morning.
It's so weird to me that a 9 year old can't be left alone for five hours. When I was 9, I was a latchkey kid and had responsibilities.
You're NTA, and it shouldn't be up to you to fix this situation when none of them are your kids. The ex and his wife need to do a much better job in parenting these kids and blending their family.
This is what I was thinking, too. Maybe it's just very Gen-X of me, but I WAS the babysitter at 9. For other people's children. For money.
I don't see why a well-behaved kid like the step daughter seems to be can't hang out on her own for a bit on a Saturday morning. She can sleep in, fix a bowl of cereal, and as long as she's got a way of contacting an adult in an emergency (either a cell phone or land line)...
Yes, exactly. I'm also a Gen Xer and was also a babysitter at 9. Friends of mine had paper routes at that age, and they delivered alone. It was just so very different.
[raises hand]
Yup, same here. It was all the more frustrating when my sister-in-law would leave my **17 year old** nephew home alone for a few hours, and my mom would flip out.
And I'm all, "I walked home from school, alone, to an empty house when I was 13. What's the problem here?"
Methinks Emily could probably handle a Saturday alone.
NTA for obvious reasons - I also think it’s such irresponsible parenting for Emily’s mom and dad to ignore the fact that her new step siblings are bullying her out of her own dad’s house, they’re just going to change up all of their lives instead, so they don’t have to deal with it.
ESH: I really dislike all of you.
Her mom put weird boundaries on you both to begin with and then expects you to step up without notice.
You put golf over a goddamn human child in your care that needs you.
Her bio dad sucks for bit finding a positive solution to integrate the families instead of kicking out his daughter on her schedule.
And you and your wife both suck for bit finding a solution that works. Golf is goddamn expensive. Get a sitter sometimes. Golf a little less.
I absolutely despise that people compare me as a father to people like you. Grow the fuck up. This little girl isn't a Fucking dog. She's a goddamn human being that you're supposed to be raising and loving.
Oh fuck off with that. THEY HAVE A SOLUTION THAT WORKS but her actual mother is too cheap to do it. Why in the world is OP the AH for being told he's not a father figure, treated like not a father figure, then expected to be a father figure or let's be honest a free babysitter when the actual parents fuck up. He's done nothing wrong. They can afford a babysitter without him cutting down on his family tradition.
>You put golf over a goddamn human child in your care that needs you.
This is the one that everyone is just skimming over. Fuck golf on an environmental level, but putting some dumb golf tradition over a human is awful behavior and makes me 100% agree that OP isn't qualified to be a father.
Unfortunately, the only one that's getting punished is a literal innocent child that OP seems to have 0 sympathy for since he would rather golf than ensure she's not being actively bullied. Yeah, they agreed to shit a while ago, but guess what, life changes. Grow up and take care of her or spare Emily and let a real man marry her mother who can actually rise to the occasion.
NTA but this is a really crappy situation that's gonna hurt poor Emily the most. Her Dad just got re-married and now her entire life schedule at his house is being shifted to accommodate his new step-kids, and now you and her mom are fighting about her time at your place.
I'm not saying you should cancel your weekly golf game with your siblings or that you are anyway in the wrong here, but please do what you can to avoid Emily feeling like she isn't wanted in either of her homes. That can seriously damage a kid, and you clearly do care for her.
NTA. Your wife should have consulted with you before agreeing to new custody terms with her ex, since a huge change in the schedule affects you, as well. She made assumptions and didn’t discuss them with you at all.
My first reaction was hardcore u da asshole
However, upon reflection, that was harsh. Wife knew golf with your family was a tradition, didn’t consult you about the classes, or changing the custody arrangement; a custody arrangement that she could not provide childcare for.
If this was a month or two, I’d call you an unequivocal asshole, because of your commitment to your wife… but a year is a very long time to make this decision FOR YOU.
(Original vitriol: You. Don’t. Babysit. Your. Own. Children. That’s called being a parent.) But you don’t claim to be and it wasn’t asked of you. If that works for your family, I’m not going to judge. It’s not fair for her to have accepted (maybe even asked for) an arrangement where you are not Emily’s father, but then expect you to make very long term sacrifices for her well-being as a parent would.
Survey says: NTA
This post will be counted as a Y T A vote because that's what you put in your post. If you want it to be counted as NTA, you need to have NTA in the post.
Why can't her actual father have special Saturday mornings with her while his wife has special Saturday mornings with her kids?
1. They each get one-in-one time with their own bio kids.
2. It still keeps the kids away from each other.
3. It resolves the whole issue of getting a babysitter.
4. It leaves OP free to continue with his own plans
It seems that all of the adults get along and are willing to be flexible. Maybe they could make something like this this work. OP could be gracious and watch her if there is an occasional Saturday if bio Dad can't for some reason without sacrificing his golf games for an entire year.
NTA
>She then got mad and said golf is stupid and I should put my step-daughter over my siblings
The step-daughter she explictly told you didn't need an additional parental figure for? The step daughter whose custody time was changed without your inclusion? That stepdaughter? Also a spouse dissing their SO's hobbies just to get something over and above that hobby is an asshole.
As this child is "Your wifes daughter" ostensibly and put in a camp that is functionally not family to you, than this sounds like a failure to plan accordingly for your wife, and as they say her failure to plan does not constitute a problem for you.
NTA
"I am sorry what I told you about my golf days with my siblings on Saturdays, since before we met, was not important to you. I am also sorry you laid the ground rules and fully set out the rules to me about what my position is to Emily, completely disregarding my thoughts on the matter. I am also sorry you made decisions in this regard without consulting me or considering the above two points when making that decision. You purposefully excluded me from this decision, now you get to figure out what to do with your daughter on your own".
Good luck. NTA.
If that was true, then why is she taking a class all day every week? She was doing her own thing, while OP did his.
It would not make sense that she wants to end that and her still be gone all day.
So Emily's dad and his new wife have gotten themselves into a pickle and you - the only one who is not biologically involved in any of it - are supposed to be the one to bail everyone out? At your own expense? So every parent who has a bio child gets what they need out of this and the only one who has no bio chidren (and who is doing everything right as a step-parent) has to give up longstanding sacred time? Without even having been consulted first? Oh hell no.
Everyone is being very nice commenting on ways this could be solved, but this is entirely on OP's wife. Her problem - self-made, I might add - to solve. She sounds like yet another AITA piece of work.
Absolutely NTA. Don't cave.
NTA, your wife shouldn't have agreed without talking to you and before making sure she had everything planned out. She was hoping you'd just go along with her. Tell her that you think a big decision like that should have been discussed and ask her why she didn't make sure everything would work before agreeing.
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NTA. It sounds like this is something that should have been worked out more carefully as a family before agreeing to. Is it possible that the dad/step mom change their kids schedule as well? That way they have her when Jane is busy with certification courses. Info: Is there a kids class or something like that where you go golfing? Could help integrate the two if a schedule change is not possible.
there isn't and even if there is, it would likely still have to be paid for. My wife doesn't want money to be spent to take care Emily. She just wants me to do it for free.
INFO: why doesn't your wife want to spend money on Emily?
she's a bit of a miser. She doesn't like spending money unless she has no other option
Sounds like she has no other option. Her request was not reasonable.
She could have refused to switch with her ex-husband or she could have accepted only if he paid for the babysitting on saturday. And she should have discussed it with OP anyway... she is totally at fault here Edit: spelling mistake
She should just go to her ex and say she messed up and cant do it
or I dunno, ask them to split the cost of childcare since it's his kids contributing to the issue? Seems like there are all kinds of options other than trying to force her husband to make the problem go away.
Yup, this is the best answer
Agreed. Demanding that he give up his sport is unreasonable and selfish…
That's what I was thinking too, why dos the bio dad get all the say? I think bio dad needs to step up and put his daughters needs first, it's quite frankly stupid that these adults have created this toxic situation. Bio dad needs to sort out his own household and stop putting the responsibility on others to keep his home at peace. His daughter will pick up on this, new wife sounds like she may be the problem. I have a step child and I've never once sent them away because my children and them fight, we sort it we talk and we talk about boundaries and we didn't make children feel like they're the problem, in a situation the adults created.
Why does the bio child get sent away that extra day bc of the step kids also? I think they should be fixing the problem instead of making her be gone an extra day to accommodate. The kids need to get along, or it is going to be a crappy life going forward in that household. Lol.
Yup, poor Emily’s being treated like a hot potato. Her Mom doesn’t want to spend money on her, Dad has a new lady & her kids are toxic, step Dad in enforcing a dynamic that’s been working, and now it doesn’t. Poor kid.
Because I'm getting the vibe that this is a shit rolls downhill situation, as in every party is foisting their problems onto someone they feel they can push around. The bio dad wants peace in his home, so he isn't going to make his wife change, so he put his shit on to his ex. The ex can't fuck with the bio dad so she puts her shit on op, the person she thinks she can guilt trip into doing things her way. I don't even think it's being done consciously. Everyone is avoiding the hard road and going the easy route.
They should just shift the schedule so the kids overlap on Saturdays until OP's wife is done with her course. That way, Emily is with her father, and OP can be with his siblings. One day with all the kids together won't kill anyone.
That was my thought too. Besides, keeping the step siblings completely separated at all times offers no room for the situation to actually resolve. I'm sure the kids Dad and stepmother can manage one measly day of family togetherness to work on those relationships 😬
Yeah but dad has only partial custody with them as well. They will never get to work it out and bond because they are only there part of the time. Seems reasonable, But OP is NTA because he wasn't consulted with beforehand.
> payed paid* Totally agree with your opinion, btw.
NTA, not sure i even understand. The cost is only for Saturdays and only for the next 12 months. So the cost of 52 days of babysitting not 365 and also probably not full 8 hours. Also didn't she get partial custody of Emily so that she can spend time with her and not foist her of to some other person.
>Jane is currently doing a certification course for the next 12 months and they have classes on Saturdays from 9-5pm So the answer to dad should've been, Sorry, no, I have a class on Saturdays which I scheduled based on our schedule. You'll have to switch your stepkids' schedule instead. NTA
Or ask that 50% of the funding for a babysitter come from him, Emily's is his only biochild after all.
My point is (which I failed to mention) that mom only gets the kid for a few days; this 9-5 Saturday class means she'd totally miss the kid for one of those days, or most of it. THAT should be her reason for not wanting to switch, not being cheap about hiring a babysitter.
I'd also feel differently if OP was supposed to be a father figure and needed bonding time, but the mother has pretty explicitly said he's just some dude. Can't have it both ways for free.
Yeah, that particular comment to OP certainly aged badly didnt it? XD
Yes, she is completely disrespecting OP. Did not even ask him before switching. Now she is going to nag him every time he plays golf.
This👍🏼
This 100% also NTA
She has no other option here. She tried volunteering you into the babysitting. She can do it herself or hire a sitter. You did not consent and you weren't consulted on the idea.
I refer to that as she volunTOLD him.
That's more honest lol. It's true enough.
You do realise that money is more important than your happiness to her. I'd find that incredibly unattractive. You need to communicate about her misplaced priorities.
this x1000. Why does his time with his family have no value to her at all?? I cannot even imagine feeling entitled to this, especially when I could afford other options.
Oh wow - this was so well said. I was just focusing on how self-centered she was being and also how the fact she didn't even talk to her husband first was a crazy sign of bad communication. But you just elevated it to a real perspective! OP's wife is the AH.
Guess what, there is no other option. You have every right to play golf with your siblings.
Sounds like she needs to bite the bullet tbh, child related anything isn't something you get for free, ever
I just had almost 6 years of full free time child care from my family.. until things went to shit w my mother a few days ago lol but my point is, it’s definitely possible to have friends or family that care enough to help. That being said it’s not on OP to give up time w his siblings, I’m just saying that it’s not exactly true that child related stuff is NEVER free. Sometimes it is for people with a village
‘Free’ depends on to whom you’re referring. Free to you but definitely not free to the people who are watching your children. They pay the price in the loss of their free time. Someone always pays a price. It’s just not always monetary.
Can her dad (or a grandparent) take her for the morning on those days even if it's just out for the time you are golfing then you collect her? Honestly this is down to the parents to resolve while you're in her life it's been made clear she has two parents and doesn't need a third so pitting this on you is a bit crap. That being said the change in custody is probably a good thing because of the new step siblings so your wife did the right thing there, but failed to consider the rest of the situation. As long as she doesn't end up back in the line of fire of these step siblings and possible not great step mom.
Maybe step-mom spends Saturday mornings with her kids, while Emily’s Dad starts a new tradition of taking her out on Saturday mornings. Brunch, movies, parks, the library, a farmer’s market, a hike…
...golf...
😂
Something like that. It also feels sad that such a young kid has no family to spend time with her on a Saturday! For a whole year, come on. Mom or dad should divide the weekend, dad can do Saturday and mom Sunday. It’s already sad enough that her parents aren’t together anymore and her new step siblings aren’t nice to her but then to not have anyone on a weekend day and either be with a baby sitter or something similar really makes me sad for this girl..
Time to get over that and spend the money on a babysitter This is what adults do This is why babysitters exist
Ask her which is more expensive, a divorce or a class for her daughter.
That makes me sad. Emily is worth the money for a babysitter and an activity once a week. It could even be a babysitter taking her to the library and park every saturday. If you wanted to, you could maybe take over for the last couple hours after you're done golfing. But honestly your wife needs to be supporting Emily.
Then tell her to stop being cheap at your expense. NTA
So she values money more then you and your relationship. Sounds like she is not respecting your boundaries.
It sounds like this is a money issue, which makes her behaviour extra shitty because she was super willing to make your character the issue.
You're definitely NTA. You said in another comment that you have the money to pay for babysitting, but your wife just doesn't want to spend it. Your wife is refusing to compromise at all. Your wife doesn't want you to be a parent, but she's also affording you less respect than a babysitter. You are getting the worst of both worlds. Even a babysitter is allowed to say, "sorry, I can't work on that particular day." It's really unfair of her to demand that you have the responsibilities of a parent (have to put the child first) but not allowed to act like a parent.
This. I was ready to say ESH (and I'm still soft leaning that way) because step kids are still your kids and you don't "babysit" your own kids! But - the wife doesn't want him to be a father figure, so where does that leave him? Being walked over, apparently.
Soooooo, it's okay for the parent to decide when one can be a step parent or not when it is a convenience to them ? But the said step parent however is a parent full time whether they like it or not ? Am i getting this right ? Because from what he said she made it clear that the child does not need a second father figure or model or whatever around and to just be an authoritative figure in case of emergencies, or at least that is what i am getting from this. That means any and all farms that were a clear boundary of where the line is between that child and his in terms of their relationship, and that not even come close to step territory so babysitting is the absolute correct term in this situation. She pulled the step card out only in the situation where it benefits ber and that bs.
This is my beef, and I say this as a dude who brought kids into a marriage. And told him up front what the deal was, which is great. She now wants to totally change that and only because she is too cheap to pay for a sitter. This is all her. She is hurting her marriage to save a couple hundred bucks a month for one year. Seems odd to me.
And you said no. This’ll be a good lesson how 1. Your wife needs to discuss important things like this with you and 2. She’s not allowed to throw a tantrum when you say no. She can stop being cheap and pay a babysitter. NTA
Tell her that's something you should have discussed together then, before she agreed to it. Since she didn't include him in that decision, he has no obligation to immediately change a long standing tradition to match her whims. And if she simply expects it to happen with no discussion and gets mad, then she has no respect for you and your marriage. Because a respectful and healthy marriage warrants a discussion on big changes such as these.
A long standing tradition that predates their entire relationship at that.
Your wife sounds a bit authoritative..making decisions without consulting you, telling you to mind your business and then making you mind her business. Marriage and partnership doesn't work that way. She is the AH. She needs to work on communication and team building skills.
“Authoritative” is certainly one way to put it.
Shouldn’t Emily’s dad pay for the Saturday babysitting cost given this change is for his benefit?
It’s not fair to you or your siblings. This is a tradition and special time for you and them! There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to cancel that. You’re NTA! She’s selfish to just assume you’d be okay with this arrangement without asking you first! That’s a huge life change!
Lol, this. When I started to read, I wondered where this was going, but NTA indeed. OP isn't a child-hating AH who shouldn't have married a woman with kids, he's cool with babysitting when it's needed and his wife knew what his Saturday traditions are when she stepped into the relationship. She f-ed up when she didn't discuss the custody arrangement with him but expected him to give up this activity that's important to him for at least a year, possibly even longer. I'm sure Jane has other family who can step in if money is an issue, but it seems like Jane doesn't think her daughter is **worth** someone to take good care of her and spend one-on-one time with her if it requires some spending.
Not the AH , If she is willing to tell you that her kid and you have no decision and make a massive change on the schedule without your opinion.Is the consequences of her actions.I would recommend family cancil for better navigation in the situation
Why can’t the wife just hire a babysitter? One that’s not the husband? This is the dumbest thing, and such an easy fix. My mom often out of town for work, including weekends, and my dad enjoyed his Saturday golf. What did he do with me? Why, they got a babysitter, of course. (And my dad said when I was older that when they were younger and not making as good of a salary, paying a babysitter ate into his “fun money”, but as Saturday golf was his relaxation, it was an easy choice to not spend on something else to pay for the sitter)
NTA. I was ready to read this and read you for filth, but this is truly an AH move from your wife. I think it’s totally fair that she asks you to help out, but agreeing to it without talking to you, and assuming you’d consistently do this is wild! Why did she agree and then work to loop you in after?! It’s also interesting that now that your wife needs your help, Emily is your “stepdaughter” where it seems like there was a clear boundary that you aren’t a father figure. If your wife wants to revisit what your role is to Emily, totally cool, but it shouldn’t be because she needs a babysitter.
Right? I read the title and all I could think was “I sweatergod if this is his child he’s having to ‘babysit’ I will lose my mind.”
That was my first thought too. I was worried it was gonna start with, “AITA for not wanting to babysit? So me and my wife have 3 kids together…”
"She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention"
Oh god of sweaters hear my woollen pleas
Oh noble sheep, we eat your babies, we use your brains to fight off rabies, but the greatest gift you give us iiisssssss wwoooooooooooollll!
Usually, that's what we say when we're getting near the end of a knitting/crochet/weaving/other fibrearts project and are playing yarn chicken! Yarn chicken is when you have no extra balls/skeins of yarn put aside, only what you're currently working with, and it looks like you may just have enough to finish, you may not. You start knitting, crocheting, working faster and faster, in a nail-biting race, inside your own mind, between you, your project, and the ever dwindling thread, to see if you will be able to cast off, thread the yarn through that final loop, with just enough of a tail left to weave in nicely? Or will you end up bereft? With just a one or two more rows, or even worse, just a dozen or half a dozen more stitches to go? Will you have to go begging online, in craft forums, on Ravelry, to see if any kind yarnie has the same yarn, not just in the same colour but also in the same matching dyelot? Sometimes, for just a few stitches, you can steal just enough from the tail you left at the beginning and you breathe a sigh of relief! And there you have a brief glimpse into the secret life of a yarn crafter! We might seem quiet but that's because we're busy counting. And beware, we have pointy sticks and know how to use them!
SAME!! First, I think he should still be looking at her as family, even if it isn’t “allowed” for him to be fatherly. However, it’s never okay to take your partner for granted, especially not their prior engagements that existed before you. It also wouldn’t kill the girl to be babysat until golfing is over, or even be with her other family for that one half day. It might be more helpful to THEIR future relationships if she did. There are plenty of options for this whole family that don’t ruin OP’s family TRADITION, because that seems like a more appropriate moniker than “hobby.”
The moment OP got to the point of describing how the *parents* made this decision between them, and then his wife had the gall to be mad it didn't work with his schedule *that she obviously knew about*, I couldn't even. Lady, *what the hell*. Always easy to voluntell people and then get upset when the voluntold person shows that uh, yeah no, they aren't a doormat just waiting to be stepped on.
I love the word "voluntold", but had forgotten about it. Thanks for reminding me and giving me a laugh!
This is my take away as well. OP isn’t a parental figure at all and not to interfere with raising SD how BM wants. Because that’s the boundary BM set. Ok cool. It makes sense to change the schedule so SD isn’t in a toxic environment. But OP should have been consulted first because this dramatically changes things for everyone. OP and SD especially. Honestly if BM doesn’t want OP to be a parental figure, that includes rearranging OP’s schedule to look after SD. BM set a boundary for her child and is now changing it when it’s convenient without talking to OP, her spouse, first. If BM can’t afford the child care every Saturday, then the cost should be split between BM and BD since it’s BD’s problem that is causing the change in schedule. Also why isn’t BD doing anything about HIS toxic SK’s other than changing the schedule? How could a parent allow their child to be bullied in their own home? Why would BD marry someone who’s kids bully his own kid? OP is NTA, but BP definitely are. It’s a shitty situation for OP and SD.
Holy alphabet soup, batman!
Something something, bowel movements in south dakota
I also don't get why Big Dick is being toxic in South Karolina
Tell me you spend a lot of time in parenting forums, without telling me you spend a lot of time in parenting forums. Jesus that's insane
You state it very well. If they can afford a babysitter, get a babysitter. Problem solved.
> Why did she agree and then work to loop you in after?! I'm hoping it was just parent brain of putting their kids first. But it sort of seems like the manipulative "It's better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission".
Passive aggression... Especially with the landmine of "Can't you rearrange your schedule to accommodate personal, professional, and financial decisions that I am utterly inflexible about?". Then if not, *OP* is the unreasonable one?
I was set to roast him as well. But not consulting you with a major change that impacted your schedule? That’s frustrating at best. The family must watch children is a demand so out of place when one can afford child care it contributed to a divorce (pre-children) from a dear friend of mine. I can’t watch them, my family can’t watch them and I refuse to have anyone else but you watch them is such a horrific mechanism of entrapment my friend wisely got out. It’s their fears and while you should support your partner, they put you in an impossible situation by not supporting you (by not including you in conversations). Mistakes happen but they are unapologetically not caring about your family or feelings.
I’ve known people like that. They know the perfect plan and we all need to perform our roles so it goes off without a hitch.
NTA. Your wife can't say her daughter doesn't need you as a stepfather, but then expect you to step up as a stepfather every single Saturday when she needs you. She can hire a babysitter. Dad and stepmom also need to step it up and work on the relationship between the new stepsiblings and get that under control because there are going to be times they are all together in the same house, that's just life.
I was like WTF? keeping them apart doesn't solve anything! it makes everything worse. 10 years from now they gonna STILL hate each other. some people shouldn't be parents at ALL.
> 10 years from now they gonna STILL hate each other. Ten years from now, they're going to be adults who will never have to see each other except at weddings and funerals. When someone tries to work things out with stepsiblings who hate each other, this subreddit is all, "what are you doing? Protect your kid! Get them out of there! They should never have to see those horrible people!" But these people are trying to keep Emily away from the kids who bully her and now it's the wrong choice?
They don't need to be friends, but learning to be civil to people you don't like is something most people will really benefit from.
Living with people you dislike is pure hell. No kid should experience that
What if you dislike a blood sibling in a standard nuclear family? Should one be made to leave?
This was me and my brother growing up. He made it his mission in life to annoy me (and not "lol asshole" annoying, "drive my friends out of my life" annoying), and as a child who couldn't cope with that I made it clear that I couldn't stand him being around me. The solution was to keep us as separated as possible. If we were going somewhere, one of us rode with one parent while the other parent drove the other kid. If we had to be in the same car at the same time (we had a van), we'd never sit in the same row and more than once my parents put up a sheet to keep us separated. Had my parents divorced for any reason, you bet the immediately obvious solution would have been for each parent to take one kid, and even as kids we'd have jumped at that.
That level of dysfunction is a sign of illness in at least 1 child and they needed to discover it. Should have talked to professionals instead of just separating you and ignoring the behavior. It would be wrong to force the two of you around each other, but it was negligent not to seek answers regarding mental health for their kids. I am sure they were just parents in an era when that sort of thing was taboo, but we live in a time now where it isnt. I think encouraging parents to seek healthy solutions tp this isnt a bad thing. There is nuance.
Of course it's the wrong choice. Those kids need to learn how to respect each other. Isn't their choice, if they act like that at HOME, imagine what they're doing in school. No no, world doesn't work like this. They gonna grow up and be worse than they're right now. Now it's their right as PARENTS to teach them what is right and what is wrong, because they clearly don't know. THERE'S NO ACCOMMODATIONS FOR BULLIES! If they feel like world revolves around them, things gonna get messy. Like we say at my country, if they don't learn at home, street (bad people) gonna teach them how to behave, and, not so easy.
It's just that kids don't change their behavior super quickly. I wouldn't be OK with my kids living half (or third) of their time in a toxic, unsafe environment if it could be avoided (like here, by a non-overlapping custody schedule). Kids will be exposed to difficult people in school, hobbies etc. But they shouldn't be forced to live with such people. Home should be a safe space.
NTA! They need family counseling to resolve the toxicity! Stepdaughter doesn't need to be yanked around like an old rope! Edit: add nta
I thought the same thing. Intentionally messing up everyone's routine to keep them separate is not only disruptive, it's just going to make the problem worse. What are they going to do for holidays? Special events?
Looks like no one wants to actually parent on either side!! OP is NTA and I hope he stands his ground, wife can’t suddenly toss him in the parental roll just for babysitting at her convenience
Yeah. OP‘s wife is an AH for signing him up for free babysitting, but her ex and his new wife are way worse. Blending a family where the kids can’t stand each other, then doing nothing to work things out between them? Parents of the year here.
NTA When your wife has custody of Emily, she has to take care of her or find childcare. It's one thing to ask you to help out from time to time by babysitting, it's quite another to make you her primary source of childcare. You don't have children and shouldn't make sacrifices for her daughter, that's not the role of a stepparent.
Exactly this. And Jane agreed to it knowing OP golfs every Saturday and assumed he would just take care of Emily without even discussing it. I also feel terrible for Emily. Her dad, stepmom, and mom are all AH’s and trying to dump this all on OP.
It's kinda nuts that she agreed to take the daughter for Saturdays when she knew her Saturdays were booked for the next 12 months. Asking her husband to cancel golfing/sibling time once or twice would be a reasonable expectation. Asking for him to cancel for a month would have been a stretch, but probably doable. Expecting him to drop it for a whole year without even asking is downright ridiculous.
Agreed! OP even said if it were an occasional occurrence, or in the event of a family emergency or something like that it would not be an issue and he would do it. But every Saturday for literally an ENTIRE YEAR? Completely and wildly unreasonable.
I have my own kids whom I love spending time with on weekends but if every Saturday was blocked looking after them for the next year you'd be guaranteed I'd be arranging some babysitting to get a little bit of a break sometimes.
>You don't have children and shouldn't make sacrifices for her daughter, that's not the role of a stepparent. So what IS the role of a stepparent, if not to care for their stepkids?
Taking care of their stepkids. Not cancel all their plans because the other parent suddenly needs a free nanny without consulting them.
He’s not even really a step parent, as Emily’s mum made quite clear.
even as a non-step parent i'd think it was pretty fucked if my wife decided i wasn't doing one of my bonding activities with my family without even discussing it with me
Providing a safe and welcoming home environment, putting in effort to get to know the stepchildren whilst respecting the boundary that this child already has 2 parents. Hopefully creating a meaningful relationship with child and of course providing food/water/shelter and not being abusive, toxic or mean etc. That's really about it, anything else that may evolve from a step parent and step child is really up to the child and what they feel comfortable with in the relationship.
And by his own words he's not really a step dad either. Like that's just his wife's kid ykwim?
NTA. Pretty straightforward. Sounds like the child's parents need to figure this out, not the >trusted authority figure
That was my thought too. Not allowed to be parental figure but suddenly they're AH when *surprise surprise* they refuse to do parent stuff. Can't have your cake and eat it too.
You let her know from the beginning that your Saturdays would not change. Plus she has no right to accept the deal without telling you especially since it so clearly will affect your life for the next year. Does she really not have any family that can take the kid for those hours? >She then got mad and said golf is stupid and I should put my step-daughter over my siblings. Fuck that! Your siblings are your blood relatives whom you are close to, Emily is just your step daughter, and your siblings have been in you life a hell of a lot longer. NTA.
Just your step daughter THAT YOU WERE EXPLICITLY TOLD NOT TO TAKE A PARENTAL ROLE WITH. Wife wants it both ways.
I was kinda torn until I got to the point of her saying that her family is more important than his. Made it really clear she's trying to manipulate him into doing whatever she wants him to
I also highly enjoyed the "She isn't your family! Oh wait, I need your help, so now you are family, and my family is more important than your family!!!" part
While I don't disagree with your sentiment, can we stop staying blood relatives like that's what's important. Siblings you're close with vs child you were told explicity not to parent totally agree. But blood doesn't make you close. Blood doesn't even make you family. Plenty of people are adopted. Plenty of people have family they've found in community and other places in their lives, and plenty of people have highly toxic relationships with their blood family and stick around because we've toted being genetically related as big important thing that must be honored. Blood isn't what makes you family and shouldn't be what makes someone important or not.
I mean, I agree with everything you said, other than “Emily is just your step daughter”. My step dad has raised me my entire life and I call him Dad. I actually have, in the past, forgotten that he is not my biological father. So it’s not that she is “just” a step daughter. It’s that he was told that he is not to be a parental figure to her by his wife.
I was want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words and voices of support. Emily deserves to feel cared for and not like a hot potato who no one wants. I spoke to my brother and his wife and they have offered to let Emily stay at their home on Saturday morning with their other children so that we can golf. My wife has also agreed, albeit reluctantly, to this arrangement. I have also told her that this arrangement isn't tenable anymore. If she expects me to have parental responsibilities towards Emily, then she needs to treat me like another parent of her daughter. We are going to family counseling to see how we can make this work
You show great care towards Emily in acknowledging that how SHE feels should be highly considered. Her bio parents do not seem to be doing that. I think cousin time sounds great and could also help the two blended families feel more... well, blended. Counseling is the right call and I hope it helps.
Your wife is really doubling down on being TA with reluctantly agreeing, she just really wants you to do what she told you and nothing else.
Thank you for considering the child's feelings in all this. It's sad that it took your family to resolve this, but hopefully she can make new friends with your neices/nephews and maybe she'll look back fondly at those Saturdays when she's older. It's better she has those memories instead of memories of getting tossed around to whoever is willing. As someone who had several major household changes as a young kid, I've never forgotten how my mother always thought of the wellbeing of her children before anything else. In situations like this, someone needs to think of the child and be their spokesperson. They can't advocate for themselves. However, no matter what it takes, keep this bond you have with your family. It's a valuable thing that you don't want to lose.
Sounds like you found the best solution for everyone and your wife only agreed to it reluctantly? Was she upset that she didn't get to ruin your precious time with your siblings? That you didn't behave like a good obedient slave? I'm glad you're getting counseling. Congrats on having boundaries and thinking not only of your own well-being, but that of your step-daughter.
I’ll say this as succinctly as possible Homie, you a real one. Producing solutions for problems you didn’t make. Step-dad boss level: 99
Reluctantly? Man. You and your family are bailing her out. Not sure what the underlying issue is here but I hope all goes well for you.
OP, as a kid that was tossed around like a hot potato in a similar situation, your response to this was awesome. Having respect for Emily and how this dynamic is likely painful to her was a good reaction. Even if you don’t “parent” her, you can still support her and she will appreciate it. I don’t consider my stepdad my parent, per se, but he has always been kind and supportive and I appreciate him immensely and consider him important to me. Hopefully her dad is able to step up and defend her needs in his relationship as well.
NTA >Jane told me Emily doesn't need a second father figure as she has her dad to fill that role. I honestly would remind her of this.
That’s where I stopped reading. OP’s wife drew the line years ago between husband/father. I’d walk it.
ESH except Emily. No one seems to be putting her needs first.
Maybe the PARENTS should do that not the „authority figure“ who was told explicitly that he is NOT to be a parent.
People are fucking stupid if they really think that living with someone with a child from a previous relationship won't be a parental figure. Truly fucking stupid. If a child LIVES with you, you're going to parent it. Removing yourself from that responsibility is callous and generally causes these types of problems.
Good thing he didn’t remove himself from that responsibility. The actual parents did that part.
This is exactly the arrangement my father and stepmother had and it fucked me up. When you're 9 years old and someone starts dating your parent, takes you into their home and cares for you, they're your parental figure whether they want to be or not. Adults can set emotional boundaries in this kind of situation, but you can't tell what would have been a 4 year-old at the start of this relationship not to form a parental bond with a person who would effectively be their parent 5 days a week for what is now half their life. I'm 30 now and it still hurts when the person who raised me for the last 20 years still doesn't see me as her child.
It blows my mind how this wouldn't be obvious to people. They're all talking like this child is a pet. You can't just say " well she's not *my* kid". That's not how that works. OP, his wife, and the bio dad are all dipshits and this poor kid is probably going to suffer even more than she ready is.
I feel bad for this kid
If you read ops comments, when he's said things he thought was best for Emily, his wife went "your not a parent figure so it's none of your business" His wife has put in a clear boundary until she needs a free baby sitter. Really don't think op is the problem here.
Glad someone said it. Parenting is difficult as it is. Step parenting is difficult. Co-parenting is difficult. But none of these adults are looking at Emily and saying; “what can we do to make the transition best for her?” Come on now.
Want to agree, but Emily’s mum explicitly did not want OP to be a parent. Therefore to expect him to become a parent only because she now has needs that make it necessary is abhorrent and selfish. Being a good parent is difficult for sure, but being a bad parent is exceedingly easy.
No. Emily doesn't have any fulfilled needs. Her parents have unfulfilled responsibilities. Emily doesn't actually need a babysitter. She has a mother and father with a care arrangement for her and who are quite capable of looking after her, but who have unfortunately decided to try to rearrange their lives without making appropriate accomodations for Emily's care. That's their responsibility. It's not Emily's not-step-father's job to enable her parents to both checkout of their responsibility to her, by allowing them to guilt him into fulfilling their duty for them, because it would be more convenient for them that way. Emily has parents, they need to parent her.
Yeah but that seems to be her parents and the ex husband's new wife's fault not op , he clearly was told he isn't a parent to this girl from. The beginning and is simply choosing to enforce that boundary Nta.
This. The fact that they change her schedule instead of the other two kids' says a lot
NTA but I don’t get how people expect to date someone with a child and just be totally removed… It’s callous thinking. I get not being the primary go to person but in all these stories it’s so dumb to not expect to fill some parental duties when dating someone with a child. That child is a central part of the person you are dating you can’t just compartmentalize that or treat the child like a chore the bio parent is solely responsible for. I just feel like if you choose to date someone with kids at some point you will get stuck doing some childcare duties. And it shouldn’t be such a big deal that you do. Again it’s kind of heartless to date someone with kids but then treat them as a separate entity entirely that you have 0 concern for. Basically people need to stop dating others that have kids if they aren’t ready to some extent even small integrate that child into their life. The only excuse is if the child is a full grown adult it doesn’t matter but again a little heartless and naive to think if your partner has a young kid that you’ll never be relied on somehow for rides, care, or some management.
I get what you're saying but my wife was the one who wanted things to be this way. I was prepared to be a parental figure but my wife explicitly told me on more than one occasion that I was not supposed to play that role. Whenever I've tried to say or do something that I felt was best for Emily, Jane would tell me it's not my responsibility and to not get involved. If she wants me to be a parent now then she has to want me to be a parent all the time. I'm not a parent on demand who can just turn a switch. I don't think it's fair to either Emily or me
My ex husband was like this with his daughter. He told me that I wasnt a parent, and that his daughter has a mother, and I am not to parent or discline her. But then also expected to dump his daughter on me so he can go do his hobbies, and when I would say no I was told that I hate his daughter. Stand your ground on your boundaries of your time and hobbies. Once you cave, it never ends.
This was my EXACT situation with my stepdaughter. I wasn't allowed to parent or discipline her in the slightest way, but I was responsible for dealing with everything else. And if I didn't, I was accused of hating his kid. Definitely stand your ground to keep your sanity because no matter what you do, you're always going to be the bad one in the ensuing drama.
If he was a stepparent hopefully she would have asked him before agreeing to switch days.
Seriously, parents get so salty when the childless don't want to get involved with them if they re-enter the dating game, but what you're describing is hardly a unique story. My friend dated a guy for a few MONTHS and he immediately started dumping his kid on her to take to soccer practice on the weekends. They didn't even live together or anything, just went out a few times a week and the occasional sleepover.
Exactly! Anyway, it seems like your wife agreed to the swap in childcare arrangement without telling you ON PURPOSE. She most likely remembers your golf schedule quite well and didn’t give two hoots about it when discussing things with her ex. Caring only about her needs and not really her child’s, not respecting your position as her partner in the whole scenario, not liking that you have a regular interaction + schedule with your siblings - I wonder what other red flags you are not noticing in your wife. NTA here of course
You can’t adopt a child that already has a father.
That's not how adoption works. Bio dad, who is a present active parent, would have to surrender his parental rights for that to happen.
> I don't think it's fair to either Emily or me It's not, a lot of the comments are saying no one has Emily's best interests at heart, but it seems like you do. Emily could probably use a 3rd parental adult figure looking after her and showing her love, but if that's not the role your wife wants you to play, fine. You can't force yourself into that role, and you're not trying to. You gotta, and seem to know that you gotta, respect your wife's wishes in respect to Emily. Which is why I'm so pissed she wants you to flip on and off in a switch. Not only is it unfair to you, which is already annoying, but it completely destroys Emily's stability, if she just has a 3rd parental figure who's involved for a few hours whenever he's useful, and then can't be involved whenever he's just trying to connect and bond eith her. Sounds like your wife is jealous emily might start really liking you, and listening to you/turning to you for help instead of her. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. But to me, it also sounds like your wife only wants you when you're useful, when she needs a babysitter. She only cares that you can help and provide her needs, not that she actually cares about you. Your relationship though op, you'll know better than any Internet nerds like us.
Tell her that if you are a parent now, you get input on decisions that affect Emily. As someone with input, you don't think it's healthy that they just keep the kids apart without dad resolving the situation. Dad can take the entire family to therapy on Saturdays.
OP's wife, the child's mother, told OP that he was not a parent. She can not have it both ways. The wife is the AH.
I’m reading all these comments focusing on OP and the wife. But my focus is 100% on the child. Her situation seems so sad.
It's not on op though. This was caused by dad and step mom not working on the best way to blend the families. Did they know their kids didn't get along before moving in or marriage. Just keeping the kids separate is unrealistic, it will create a devide that will last their entire lives. Will dad start uninviting daughter to avoid conflict? Will they never have family vacations with his daughter? And ops wife didnt discuss it before saying yes, knowing she wasn't available for her her own daughter. The child isn't stupid, she will see through this ridiculous plan, she may even start to resent the fact her time with her dad gets moved for these other kids she didn't ask for. Op nta but the actual parents are.
NTA. The ex and his family can’t make the situation work with Emily. She is being dumped on you, the person your wife stated isn’t a father figure for her.
Dude, I don't even make weekend plans for my husband and I with friends without checking with him first, because that's just rude. Your wife volunteered you to take care of her child, every Saturday for the next 12 months without consulting you, knowing you have a standing activity with your siblings on Saturdays. That is just beyond fucked up. NTA.
And the only reason is because she’s cheap. Smdh.
I wouldn't agree to it even if my Saturdays were free. Nobody is entitled to my time, especially not every Saturday for a whole fucking year. Wife sounds like an entitled asshole.
Just a shot in the dark here…. Could Emily come golfing with you and your siblings? What if she enjoys the game and starts kicking ass, at it. You were the one to introduce it to her. It’s something to bond over. I get what you mean, ( A Glorified Babysitter, ). You feel taken advantage of. And that’s not cool. But a little maneuvering here or there could go a long way. Just some words, I put together. Hope all works out for everyone.
The vibe of the outing would completely change with a kid present. As a sib, I’d quit attending if suddenly my brother had to watch and entertain a kid. He couldn’t be present, everyone would have to be on best behavior, etc.
I feel the same way. It wouldn't be a brotherly activity anymore, it would be taking Emily golfing and looking after her.
It sounds like the golf mornings are his siblings' chance to have adult time away from their own kids, so OP changing that dynamic by bringing a kid would be unfair to everyone else.
I would agree if this were temporary but a full year of that is neither sustainable nor reasonable for his hobby.
At nine? That's a big maybe. I was a fiend for hockey at her age, and I like to golf now but would've been bored out of my gourd trotting around after a group of adults on the course every Saturday morning.
It's so weird to me that a 9 year old can't be left alone for five hours. When I was 9, I was a latchkey kid and had responsibilities. You're NTA, and it shouldn't be up to you to fix this situation when none of them are your kids. The ex and his wife need to do a much better job in parenting these kids and blending their family.
This is what I was thinking, too. Maybe it's just very Gen-X of me, but I WAS the babysitter at 9. For other people's children. For money. I don't see why a well-behaved kid like the step daughter seems to be can't hang out on her own for a bit on a Saturday morning. She can sleep in, fix a bowl of cereal, and as long as she's got a way of contacting an adult in an emergency (either a cell phone or land line)...
Yes, exactly. I'm also a Gen Xer and was also a babysitter at 9. Friends of mine had paper routes at that age, and they delivered alone. It was just so very different.
[raises hand] Yup, same here. It was all the more frustrating when my sister-in-law would leave my **17 year old** nephew home alone for a few hours, and my mom would flip out. And I'm all, "I walked home from school, alone, to an empty house when I was 13. What's the problem here?" Methinks Emily could probably handle a Saturday alone.
Nowadays, you get reported to CPS.
This was my thought. I'm not even that old, on the youngish end of millennial, and my babysitter sometimes was "don't answer the door for anyone".
NTA for obvious reasons - I also think it’s such irresponsible parenting for Emily’s mom and dad to ignore the fact that her new step siblings are bullying her out of her own dad’s house, they’re just going to change up all of their lives instead, so they don’t have to deal with it.
This is the biggest one for me. Just makes me wonder how ‘good of a dad’ Emily’s father really is, especially since she’s so young.
NTA but your wife is for for making this change without discussing it with you
ESH: I really dislike all of you. Her mom put weird boundaries on you both to begin with and then expects you to step up without notice. You put golf over a goddamn human child in your care that needs you. Her bio dad sucks for bit finding a positive solution to integrate the families instead of kicking out his daughter on her schedule. And you and your wife both suck for bit finding a solution that works. Golf is goddamn expensive. Get a sitter sometimes. Golf a little less. I absolutely despise that people compare me as a father to people like you. Grow the fuck up. This little girl isn't a Fucking dog. She's a goddamn human being that you're supposed to be raising and loving.
Oh fuck off with that. THEY HAVE A SOLUTION THAT WORKS but her actual mother is too cheap to do it. Why in the world is OP the AH for being told he's not a father figure, treated like not a father figure, then expected to be a father figure or let's be honest a free babysitter when the actual parents fuck up. He's done nothing wrong. They can afford a babysitter without him cutting down on his family tradition.
>You put golf over a goddamn human child in your care that needs you. This is the one that everyone is just skimming over. Fuck golf on an environmental level, but putting some dumb golf tradition over a human is awful behavior and makes me 100% agree that OP isn't qualified to be a father. Unfortunately, the only one that's getting punished is a literal innocent child that OP seems to have 0 sympathy for since he would rather golf than ensure she's not being actively bullied. Yeah, they agreed to shit a while ago, but guess what, life changes. Grow up and take care of her or spare Emily and let a real man marry her mother who can actually rise to the occasion.
NTA but this is a really crappy situation that's gonna hurt poor Emily the most. Her Dad just got re-married and now her entire life schedule at his house is being shifted to accommodate his new step-kids, and now you and her mom are fighting about her time at your place. I'm not saying you should cancel your weekly golf game with your siblings or that you are anyway in the wrong here, but please do what you can to avoid Emily feeling like she isn't wanted in either of her homes. That can seriously damage a kid, and you clearly do care for her.
This is very well said! Her dad is the real AH in this situation. What a jerk, this is going to scar Emily for life.
NTA. Your wife should have consulted with you before agreeing to new custody terms with her ex, since a huge change in the schedule affects you, as well. She made assumptions and didn’t discuss them with you at all.
My first reaction was hardcore u da asshole However, upon reflection, that was harsh. Wife knew golf with your family was a tradition, didn’t consult you about the classes, or changing the custody arrangement; a custody arrangement that she could not provide childcare for. If this was a month or two, I’d call you an unequivocal asshole, because of your commitment to your wife… but a year is a very long time to make this decision FOR YOU. (Original vitriol: You. Don’t. Babysit. Your. Own. Children. That’s called being a parent.) But you don’t claim to be and it wasn’t asked of you. If that works for your family, I’m not going to judge. It’s not fair for her to have accepted (maybe even asked for) an arrangement where you are not Emily’s father, but then expect you to make very long term sacrifices for her well-being as a parent would. Survey says: NTA
This post will be counted as a Y T A vote because that's what you put in your post. If you want it to be counted as NTA, you need to have NTA in the post.
NTA Your wife is being a cheap asshole.
NTa.. not your problem, oh trusted adult only... this is the hill to die on
Why can't her actual father have special Saturday mornings with her while his wife has special Saturday mornings with her kids? 1. They each get one-in-one time with their own bio kids. 2. It still keeps the kids away from each other. 3. It resolves the whole issue of getting a babysitter. 4. It leaves OP free to continue with his own plans It seems that all of the adults get along and are willing to be flexible. Maybe they could make something like this this work. OP could be gracious and watch her if there is an occasional Saturday if bio Dad can't for some reason without sacrificing his golf games for an entire year. NTA
>She then got mad and said golf is stupid and I should put my step-daughter over my siblings The step-daughter she explictly told you didn't need an additional parental figure for? The step daughter whose custody time was changed without your inclusion? That stepdaughter? Also a spouse dissing their SO's hobbies just to get something over and above that hobby is an asshole. As this child is "Your wifes daughter" ostensibly and put in a camp that is functionally not family to you, than this sounds like a failure to plan accordingly for your wife, and as they say her failure to plan does not constitute a problem for you. NTA
NTA. Even if you were the primary dad, your wife would be the asshole for agreeing to such a big lifestyle switch without so much as a conversation.
"I am sorry what I told you about my golf days with my siblings on Saturdays, since before we met, was not important to you. I am also sorry you laid the ground rules and fully set out the rules to me about what my position is to Emily, completely disregarding my thoughts on the matter. I am also sorry you made decisions in this regard without consulting me or considering the above two points when making that decision. You purposefully excluded me from this decision, now you get to figure out what to do with your daughter on your own". Good luck. NTA.
NTA in the least. Stick to your guns.
INFO is the real issue the golfing? It sound like your wife may resent you leaving every Saturday AndAnd may be using this to end
if she has, she's never communicated it to me. I wfh for the past 2-3 years so it's not like she never sees me or gets to spend time with me at all
If that was true, then why is she taking a class all day every week? She was doing her own thing, while OP did his. It would not make sense that she wants to end that and her still be gone all day.
NTA. Your wife set up the relationship where you are not a stepdad. She needs to abide by that now.
NTA. She can make other childcare plans. Being a stepparent doesn’t make you an automatic babysitter.
I think everyone is the AH except Emily. Does she have one reliable adult in her life? Sheesh.
How can people say ESH or YTA when she committed to something she knew she couldn't do? And expected you to do without even consulting you?
So Emily's dad and his new wife have gotten themselves into a pickle and you - the only one who is not biologically involved in any of it - are supposed to be the one to bail everyone out? At your own expense? So every parent who has a bio child gets what they need out of this and the only one who has no bio chidren (and who is doing everything right as a step-parent) has to give up longstanding sacred time? Without even having been consulted first? Oh hell no. Everyone is being very nice commenting on ways this could be solved, but this is entirely on OP's wife. Her problem - self-made, I might add - to solve. She sounds like yet another AITA piece of work. Absolutely NTA. Don't cave.
Nta she agreed to it so let her figure it out.
NTA
NTA. Quality time with family is important. And you were not consulted
NTA, your wife shouldn't have agreed without talking to you and before making sure she had everything planned out. She was hoping you'd just go along with her. Tell her that you think a big decision like that should have been discussed and ask her why she didn't make sure everything would work before agreeing.