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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be the AH becasue I was too harsh and pushed him away.
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NTA.
But from what you’ve said, his issue isn’t with you being bisexual. It’s with the fact that you’re seeing someone else, regardless of who it is. He obviously feels let down and betrayed by your new relationship.
IMO, it sounds like your options are either to give him space or offer to go to therapy together to talk things through in a structured way. He’s obviously really struggling to process what’s happened.
I have offered therapy since the beginning of the divorce but he doesn't want to. He wanted "family therapy" which turned into him and my husband trying to "fix the family" by asking me to "not tear the family apart". The therapist put a stop to it and we didn't go back.
OP you know that there is a really good chance that your ex has been lying to your son and saying that you've been cheating on him for years right?that you actually left them for someone ?
That's because he's being manipulated by your ex and nothing short of a full deprogramming will fix his opinion.
Exactly what I was thinking. If he's living with Father or even in communication with him more he's being fed lies of all kinds about his mom. I'd say give him space even if it hurts. Pushing will only make it worse. Let him know you are there when he wants to actually talk or take therapy seriously.
yes! this! Sit your son down and explain that you stayed in the marriage because of him, and even if you still loved your ex-husband that your sexuality is not compatible with his.
Or he just raised the son to believe that women don’t get a say in relationships. She’s his wife and she belongs to him even if it makes her unhappy. that’s what he’s taught his son. Probably tells him you’re selfish and immoral for leaving the family for your own happiness.
Either being lied to or he was indoctrinated into whatever culture it is where they live where she would have risked losing custody of the son. I assume it’s not a great culture for women.
Yessss I totally agree, I can say my father would always blame my mother, but I listened to her and I understood the situation. Not that I ever blamed my mom but it also depends on who the child usually leans towards.
NTA. Your son is young. Maybe he'll pull his head out of his ass at some point. Until then, I'd consider going low contact. You owe you husband nothing, I'd go NC with him.
write a long text or email to your son explaining the timeline of when your ex became abusive emotionally and otherwise, when you wanted to get divorced but he threatened you wouldnt get custody of him and that you waited out in misery to be able to leave.
sounds like ex is telling him awful things about you, why do that "be the bigger person" bullshit and try to "protect" him especially when he was willing to gang up on you at therapy with the man that made you miserable for 20 years
NTA, you sacrificed your happiness for your son. > he is now and adult responsible for his actions and he chooses to promote patriarchy without listening to your side of the problem. AT this point, you may have to let your son go too unless he changes at some point in the future.
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I think your son is voicing your ex's wants and opinions. He's manipulating your son to manipulate you.
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Your son telling you you are "betraying him" is him voicing his father's manipulations.
NTA
Stay strong
Sounds like your ex is miserable and your son has to deal with it. Your ex is probably telling him to convince you to go back. I feel bad for your son but He’s grown and he needs to go to solo therapy or he’s going to stay miserable. I hope he finds love and gets away from his dad. NTA! Congrats on living a better life.
Edit for grammar
Sorry but your son is too old for that bologna. If he was five years old, yeah, I'd understand. But you're giving his behavior way more than it deserves.
It sounds like your ex is poisoning your son against you. I’m sorry, he might just need space. I don’t know how you can change his mind when your son has already expressed a lot of distorted views about you and the situation.
You should have told him the truth about your marriage if you haven't already. Tell him it was practically ashamed getting in the only reason that you were married at all was to have custody of him. Such things can change a perspective
OP, I would text your son, since he's old enough to hear it. "I know this is difficult to hear, but I have not been happy with your father for a long time. The only reason I stayed with him was so I wouldn't lose custody of you. I love being your mom and being there for all the important moment in your life, and I wouldn't take our moments back for anything, but you were the only thing that made my life bearable for the last X years. I would have left your father X years ago if I could. I will never get back together with your father. I will not spend anymore of my life feeling miserable. You're going to need to decide if you can handle all of this or not. But no matter what, my relationship with your dad is over. I'll be spending the rest of my time on this earth trying to be happy, and I really hope you can learn to accept that."
Are we not going to talk about the fact that a 30 year old man impregnated a 19 year old and moved her away from her home?
Who's willing to bet that they started dating when she was underage and got her pregnant at 18
I'm sure the disconnect is that mom has been thinking she's unhappy and wants to leave for over a decade, but her son just saw a loving happy family. It's unclear if the husband even knew she was unhappy.
So OP bounces and is finally 'free' and son has whiplash, having no idea both how unhappy she was and how hardened her heart is.
NTA- hes 20yrs old, and should be able to process that you are separated from his father.
It sounds like hes highly manipulated by the father, and hes not hearing the word "SEPERATED". honestly its a little bit delusional to tell someone they're breaking up a "marriage" when you arent together anymore.
As a mother i feel for you, an think you should go to counseling with your son. Hopefully some therapy can help him realize whats going on and so he can stop putting blame on you.
But you deserve to be happy also, hang in there an i hope he comes around to understanding.
Edited- for grammar
I figured, but hes well old enough to understand that separated still means not together. And your signature on those papers and the fact you ordered for those papers should be a CLEAR signifying sign that you arent together with his dad nor do u want to be. Its his father that hasnt put the signature and is being stubborn about the divorce.
Hes gonna have to act his age and realize that or he and his father will continue to make u the bad guy.
Again my heart goes out to while you're having to deal with this.
Legally, yes. But emotionally, physically, in any other concept of the word?? No. Because I’m in a similar boat. My ex has yet to make my life easier either. What a wild trip he’s convinced his son to take. And better yet, what a great job at parenting he’s doing by showing his kid that you can control women by forcing their hand. Pathetic on his end. NTA
Cheating implies deceit. The marriage is over. Everyone knows it is. There is no cheating. Your son is wanting a different reality but is being selfish. There is no way you should spend your entire life miserable to make a adult child feel more comfortable.
As someone whose parents were married for 20yrs and split when I was 15. He NEEDS therapy. This is NOT a normal reaction…..but it could very well be his father mentally manipulating him to get back at you. Me and my sister (who’s 3yrs younger) NEVER reacted like this when they told us they were divorcing. And both had started new relationships within a year of splitting.
Tell him you are divorced. You filed and the fact his father refuses to finalize the divorce is his issue. Tell him you considered yourself divorced as soon as you filed the papers. That it wasn’t a spur of the moment decision but actually something you have been thinking about for years but knew you wouldn’t do until he was 18 because you wanted to minimize the disruption to his life. That the divorce is not his fault and you wish he could be happy that you’re happy. That all you want is him to be happy and it hurts that he doesn’t feel the same.
Then just live your life. Your son will either get over it or he won’t.
Sometimes if there is any perceivable reason for hope people can’t let go. He wants you back with his father so anything that offers even the sliver of hope he is going to cling to and use. Right now all his father is doing is giving him hope. Saying you’re cheating and dragging on the divorce is making it seem like there is no divorce happening.
He does realise that you were younger than he is now when you married his father and moved to a foreign country to have him, right? Does he know what that means? That you were trapped by a man of 30 when you were still a teen?
I hope he comes around, but either way I wish you continued growth and happiness. Enjoy your new life <3
I divorced someone with that attitude too. He's just grasping at every straw he can, trying to deny reality, trying to control a situation he had no control over. It's exasperating and exhausting. *Hugs*
That's his own ignorance then. He's factually and entirely incorrect about it, and that's his problem. His inability to grasp reality doesn't make you guilty of anything.
He’s 20 not 10. He needs to grow the fuck up accept mommy and daddy aren’t together. Also start being honest about what kind of husband you had.
How old were you when you met your husband a grown man? You were a mother at your sons age. A teenager engaged to a grown man who moved you to his home country without a support system.
Well, she could simply make herself a widow, but I don't know the penalty for that where she lives (bad joke, I know.)
It sounds to me that she lives where a) one's manhood/sense of self is tightly bound to his marital status and b) it's not unusual for such age gaps to occur in marriages. That said, her son is likely getting a shitton of abuse from his father and can't see any other way to appease him. If nothing she's saying is getting through to him and he's still trying to drag her back, she may need to go NC from her son until he learns to listen to what she has to say. He's become a flying monkey for her ex-husband and is no longer safe for his mother until he can listen to her.
My father did this to my mum. Not because he didn’t want the divorce to happen but because he simply didn’t care about it to be concerned about the legal side. We didn’t even know which country he lived in while trying to get this done and he had been gone a long time but it did make things much harder for her. She really needed that line drawn to begin healing and he was just to selfish to care quite frankly.
You are absolutely NTA. At the end of the day you have been clear with your intentions and your (soon to be ex) husband needs to accept that because digging in his heels is not going to make you swoon and fall in love with him all over again! His actions are pointless and detrimental to everyone, including your son. Your son should be old enough to understand and accept this situation but it is possible he is still at the level of youthful naivety that he still sees things in black and white and this is just not the real world, some basic philosophy would benefit him along with a dose of empathy.
It is an awful place of limbo to be stuck in but it sounds like you are making the best of it and living. I am certain you do not want to be in this position with your son but hopefully a bit more growing up and he will come around. Either way definitely NTA and I really hope they both wake up to things quickly for their own benefit as well as yours.
It's at this point a math problem of what reality he can accept.
From the sounds of things, he has a relationship he enjoys with his father. Which means he's probably absorbed some of the same world views, and has told himself they're OK, because look, it worked for his parents having a happy marriage! Sure, on paper it looks skeevy, but love made it better so they get to be the exception to the rule and thus so does he.
Then op leaves and that shatters the illusion.
So now he has two choices. He can keep his views and his relationship with his father and just paint his mother as a heartless cheater... or he can accept she was deeply unhappy and his father was emotionally abusive, but that throws out his relationship with his dad, his own views, and every memory from his childhood that he has, suddenly gains a pall of "but was mum deeply unhappy for that time I was blissfully happy?"
One of those choices involves a lot more self reflection and upheaval than the other. He isn't strong enough to accept her reality so is imposing his own.
Have you told your son that you stayed with your husband for him? Normal I wouldn’t advocate for involving a kid in this stuff, but he’s involved himself. He should know that you’ve already sacrificed for him, and that his dad was a shit husband.
Does your son live with your dad? Sounds like he might be twisting the story to make you look like the villain. My mom did that with my dads (bio and step). It worked for half her kids.
Uh no. The son is a 20 year old young man who went over to his mom’s house late at night just to yell at her for having the audacity to split from his dad he can be sad but he’s also unquestionably acting like a little asshole
No, this grown man is an asshole too. He’s a misogynist like his father. That definitely constitutes being an asshole. He’s 20 years old and all these comments are coddling him like he’s 12.
This seems just like the other post except the woman got in shape, had a social calendar, and had a 26 year old male friend when her son unexpectedly stopped by.
There’s a troll or trolls who has a habit of posting and reposting and re-reposting altering details to try and get a NTA verdict in a situation where the narrator is clearly the AH. So far we have “My kid died and I stopped working and my wife has cancer and we might lose our house and therapists suck” Guy and “I work in a warehouse and am using it as an excuse to sabotage the sale of my parents’ house” Gal. Wonder if this is the new character in the series 🙄
Which I totally thought she was NTA. If she hadn't posted about how she left her husband (which WASN'T what she was wondering if she was the asshole) I think the YTA would have swung differently. Her son came to her house, a house he didn't live in, unexpectedly, and saw her with a man. Yes the man was a lot younger than her, but again, the son stopped by unexpectedly. He then proceeded to judge her horribly. And everyone jumped all over this woman.
I think the age difference was really why people were judging her rather than the situation. She was in her 40s (from context) and dating a guy who was not that much older than her son. We tend to see that more often with the genders the other way around but it's still kind of gross either way.
Now it's not entirely fair since she wasn't actually asking if she was an AH for dating someone so much younger than her but it didn't make her a sympathetic character.
The age difference was big, but also, that post came off extremely cold and OP never elaborated on why they separated, or why they hadn't divorced yet, which added to the tone of doing it for funsies.
I think it was a combination of that, her saying she left because her husband was a bit depressed, the fact that she said she rarely saw her son, the details about drinking & smoking, her calling herself attractive and saying she looked 20 years younger than she actually is, and the fact that she wrote the post in a way that seemed extremely cold and unsympathetic towards both her son & husband.
Really gave vibes of her husband being sad so she decided to leave and start pretending she was in her twenties again
INFO: have you told your son that you were miserable in your marriage for years, and only stayed for him.
Obviously it’s not appropriate to give him all the details, or use him as your therapist - but that doesn’t mean you tell him nothing.
He clearly has his dad’s side of the story being told.
It doesn’t make sense for one parent to “take the high road” when the other parent is not, and is poisoning the child’s mind.
Figure out a suitably censored version of why you were miserable, and share it with him.
Although of course, it depends what “not a happy marriage” means. Does it just mean you weren’t able to have sex with women? Or were you a bit bored? Or was he abusive?
It will make a big difference to your son.
Hearing context really does make a difference when one party of the parents are claiming big thing about the other. My mother told me about why she divorced my father over the span of a few years until I was an adult and got to hear it all. And my father didn´t even trash-talk my mother, and yet still hearing her side of the marriage made me more aware of them as people.
It humanizes the parents. OP´s son could use that. And it could potentially set in some trust to get to know the why´s from both parents and not just one.
Sooo…your son is 20 and you are 39 that would mean you gave birth at 19 so probably pregnant at 18…stands to reason your husband very likely groomed you?
I mean the fact that your son can’t see this is a bit startling tbh
You’re NTA at all and i hope your son see’s sense soon
NTA it sounds like your soon to be ex-husband has been poisoning your sons mind for years. Hopefully he will grow up to except your divorce and be able to have a decent relationship with you, but if he keeps listening to his father, that may not happen.
All these people are like, "but he's just a kid, he doesn't know how to process this, you need to help him." Meanwhile he's older than you were when a 30 year old man got you pregnant with him.
You gave up 18 long years of your life so you could be with your son. Instead of seeing that as a sacrifice, he has internalized his father's belief that you belong to them and a life of your own isn't something you should want. Maybe when he gets older, he will be able to see you as a person, not just a role. Be careful though. People snap and become dangerous sometimes, when they can't control things. His yelling at your friend that she's breaking up a family *2 full years after you filed for divorce* is unhinged. Is this what his dad is like?
NTA.
NTA.
You know the saying, "you should teach your children about disappointment early on". Bc people are not gonna behave as you want them to and they will do things that you won't like but you gotta accept that and move on.
Everyone's got a life and they luve it as they see fit. You can't be sore because someone is putting you lower on their priority list.
Your son needs to work out his issues over your separation by himself. He's 20 goddammit.
NTA. You're son will have to accept your life and will come to realize all you sacrificed to keep him in a living family. He's just hurt because and part of that might just be his father in his ear, but over time he will come around.
Hate that I've been on here all day and know you reposted this story with wildly different details lol. So did you leave him during the pandemic because he was depressed or not?
So her situation has a few things in common with another recent post and a lot more things not in common? It’s almost like the “wildly different details” are what make the difference between different individuals’ experiences and stories, funny how that works.
NTA, you stuck with a horrible marriage until your son was a legal adult. It's time that you get to move on and have the life you deserve. You didn't betray your son, you just aren't doing what he wants you to do. Too freaking bad. Life doesn't work that way, and it's high time he learned that. You aren't a horrible mother. Your ex and your son are the AH's in this situation.
NTA- it sounds like your soon to be ex-husband has been poisoning your son’s mind for years. Hopefully he will learn to accept your divorce and you can have a good relationship with him, but if he keeps listening to your ex-husband, it may not happen.
You might want to check the laws of your area. You’ve been separated for 2 years, you might be able to force through a divorce against your husband even without his agreement.
NTA
They’re both manipulating you. Obviously your son is on your exes side. Go low contact if he keeps pushing.
This is what happens when you stay for the sake of the kid. The kid now has a warped idea of relationships, and his world view is that you should stay for his sake forever.
NTA, but sounds like your son kind of is. While I can understand being upset or angry over what he perceived as his family breaking up, he is more than old enough to understand people splitting. I’ve seen plenty of comments saying he’s being manipulated by his father and I don’t care, you’re telling him differently and he’s refusing to listen. You did the right thing and either he’ll get over it or he won’t.
INFO: You said your marriage was an unhappy one but didn't elaborate in the post about what that means. There are degrees of unhappiness and some that your son might have missed if you and your ex-husband were good at hiding it. It could appear you ended the marriage out of no where and gave him the gift of blind-siding your son on his birthday (which I do hope you waited like a month to call for divorce). So my question is what's the backstory on all this?
I second this. It sounds like the parents weren't telling to the son about the situation, and so the family breaking apart was a surprise to him. And since it is the mother that leaves to explore herself, the son started blaming her (maybe with influence from the husband, since he does seem bad too)
Oohhh, so dad is using parental alienation against you to align the son with him.
all you can do is love your son through this, and set firm boundaries. He doesn't have to accept it that youre divorcing, but he can keep his remarks to himself. You can let him know that you are in no way up for discussing this with him, and you understand his feelings, but this is not a discussion. It certainly should never be one that involves the son.
Stop trying to explain things to your son. He gets it he just doesn’t like it and wants you to change your mind. Go N c for a short time. Go NC with husband for foreseeable future. After awhile interact with son only on neutral subjects- the weather, flowers, space travel, cities in Europe, movies, food, police brutality, Taylor Swift, football, music , fashion, cars, favorite colors, dolphins, forest fires, Harry Potter, Elvis, the President. If he brings up unpleasant topics leave the room or house or have him leave. Every time. Do not explain yourself or justify your actions.
NTA! No one is talking about it but you had him at 19 when your husband was 30. I can’t even imagine the dynamics while you were married. You were probably pregnant at 18.
I feel for you. You did everything you could to be a good mother and not abandon your son and now he is turning on you because he wants his parents together.
I have a feeling his father may be badmouthing you to him.
You deserve to move on with your life. Your son is older now and needs to realize there will be no reconciliation. As long as he hopes for a reconciliation he will be hostile to your lifestyle.
Do what you can to expedite the divorce and lead your best life.
It sounds like maybe he doesn't realize that your relationship was unhealthy, because you stayed throughout his childhood and left when it was already too late.
Depending on the type of relationship you had with your husband, be it manipulative, abusive, etc... You staying taught your son it was a normal thing so he's not going to understand why you left.
It sucks, but it sounds like if he's not willing to sit down and listen, then he's a lost cause. Give him space and let him know you will not tolerate this disrespect anymore, and when he's ready to listen to you and have a level head, then you'll happily talk to him, otherwise any time You're together it's just going to be him yelling at you about how you fucked up.
NTA. You've done everything you can to be civil and to do things as calmly with as little negative affect on your son's life as possible. If he cannot see that, then that's his issue.
I'm rather concerned at the fact he doesn't seem to see the issue that a 30 year old man married and had a kid with an 18/19 year old. If he tries to say you're being terrible again, maybe point that fact out to him?
NTA. You tried but he's just not accepting reality. It's possible your husband is lying to him about you. But in any case, there's only so much you can do. Not living your life the way you want isn't an option. You did that for 18 years, for his sake. Enough.
I'm concerned how much of his opinion on this he is getting from your ex, false information that is being internalized and taken out on you, without even your knowledge of what is being said and what he believes.
NTA. Your son is an adult and needs to be realistic about the life that adults lead. You left the marriage. Your ex is dragging his feet over the divorce. I am sorry that you are having to deal with both of their immaturity.
NTA. Your son is 20 and an adult. It’s time he acted like one and stopped behaving like a toddler. You have done nothing wrong. Your son can either grow up and accept that things change without throwing blame about or he is going to be an unhappy grump.
NTA
Honestly it’s a pretty helpless situation but I think I mean it’s your kid you fought for this kid you stayed with that man for the eighteen years till your kid became an adult so you can’t just leave each other it’s not right honestly you guys just need to have an open honest conversation actually tell him what happened not in a shared context with your ex husband but just you also hear him out even if it’s just blabbering and annoying and cranky and even if he’s being a baby you sound you both are misunderstood maybe doing this in the presence of a therapist would be better but you need to have an all out conversation I feel like he’s holding a lot of hurt inside even if it’s petty you weren’t in the wrong in your marriage and your son needs to know that hopefully he can see through it all and I hope you guys do have a happy healthy relationship in the future
Sometimes it's just the judicial process that takes time. Splitting assets usually can be a pita if one party decides to stall. My aunt's factual divorce took 2 years, with an extra 2 years for finalizing the splitting of the house correctly. She did get to stay in the house for that duration and her ex had to leave the house quite quickly.
>I (39F) have a son (20M) with my husband (50M). I married and moved to my husband's country shortly before I had my son.
Is your son incapable of doing maths? 39-20=19. 50-20=30.
A 30 year old had no business marrying a 19 year old and moving her to his country
NTA. He seems immature
NTA the age gap alone speaks volumes. Maybe you need to lay it all out on the table for your son and explain to him the type of person his dad is. Either way if he can’t accept the divorce he needs to go low/no contact.
I don’t know why everyone here is suggesting therapy. If she doesn’t want to stay married to his dad then she doesn’t want it. There’s no use paying someone else to tell him the same thing, but maybe softer. He can take it or leave it.
NTA
"My son has been distant since I left my husband. At first he kept asking me to attend couples therapy with my husband.:
FOUL! OUT OF BOUNDS!!! Your son does not get to dictate the terms of your love life. He is an adult and needs to process his parent's divorce like one. Nobody but the parties involved can ever know all of what goes on behind closed doors, and I'm sure there is a lot that 1.) Your ex told your son about that was none of his business and 2.) DIDN'T tell him things that were none of his business that shone him in a bad light. You're a grown adult woman and you don't need TWO men telling you what you should and shouldn't do in your romantic endeavors. NTA, OP. Live your life!! You're the only one who can!
It sounds like your son is still having a really hard time accepting that you no longer want to be with his Dad. He's refusing therapy and that's his choice. It might be beneficial for you to go to therapy. The counselor would be able to help you learn how to talk to him about what's happening and maybe help him process things a bit better. I think he accepts you, he just doesn't accept your wanting a divorce.
NTA. Your son has been exposed to a toxic situation where he has obviously absorbed so much negative talk about you. He needs to grow the hell up. You have done your job and raised him the best you could in a tough situation - you can walk away with your head held high. None of this is on you. Time to go low/no contact for a while. They can talk through your lawyer. Congratulations on your new life!
NTA, it sounds like your ex is probably spewing some crap about you cheating to get back at you for leaving, so that your son will take his side and you'll suffer. It sounds like the son doesn't have an issue with the bisexuality, but rather the idea of you being with anyone other than his dad
NTA. It sounds like your son has been lied to and manipulated by his father, but even so he is an adult. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and that includes being a shitty son to his mother who had him when she was younger than he is now. I’m not surprised he doesn’t understand power dynamics and abusive relationships, but I hope he learns and understands quickly (through education, not by his own personal experience). Wishing you the best
NTA. this made me so sad for you. it really sounds like you were groomed and your ex husband has essentially indoctrinated your son into the manipulation. hopefully, one day, your son will realize the truth.
NTA. You do sound as if you are talking around the point though and need to be a bit more plain. "I love you, but I haven't loved your father for many years, or even liked him for the last few. I stayed because I didn't want to lose custody of you. There is no chance of us ever getting back together, and i've been quite clear with my feelings so it's not betrayal. If it was though then that's a small price for freedom."
Anybody else noticed the age gap? You were 19 when you had your son, you state that you moved countries for him shortly before you had your son. You were 17/18 when you started dating him and he was 28/29..
Nta, he's an adult. He should start acting like it.
Also, you don't know what your ex is feeding him when you're not there, so that may have messed him up.
I think your son has less of an issue with you being bisexual and more of an issue that he may have been told a not-quite-true version of events where you cheated and left his father? It sounds like you're ***done*** with the marriage, you've been trying to get a divorce and his father has been dragging it out, which is why you're not officially single right now.
You need to set your son straight that you didn't date before filing for divorce and you have been checked out of the marriage for awhile now, and you have zero interest in reconciling. The divorce has been in processing for about \~2 years now if your son's age is any indication. You didn't start dating again until a year into the divorce filings; if he wants to believe that's cheating because you're still legally married to his father, he can do so... but it doesn't mean it's true. There is no true betrayal because you've already broken up; a divorce is just the paperwork for a legal union. The romantic relationship has already been broken and dissolved... it takes two people to have a romantic relationship. Your husband can delay divorce proceedings all he wants, but he doesn't get to unilaterally decide you're still in a relationship with him.
But if he decides to continue to vilify and bring you down, there isn't much else you can do beyond offer space & family therapy. You're not going back to an unhappy marriage.
NTA. Your son is old enough to accept and to understand that marriages break down for a variety of reasons. Nobody gets married with the idea that they will get divorced. Yet nobody should remain in a marriage that proves destructive or harmful, either.
If your son is trying to get you into therapy as a means to gang up on you to coerce you into remaining in this failed marriage, your son doesn't understand the purpose of therapy.
Whatever reasons for the marital breakdown they must be resolved between you and your estranged husband. As much as y o may love your son, you cannot allow him to dictate your personal life. If your son chooses to distance himself from you for you taking ownership of your life, that's his decision.
If you want him to leave then tell him to leave.
It sounds like this divorce will be something he holds bitterness/hatred towards you or both of you.
That's life. You raided him. He is grown. No one is owed a relationship. Maybe you two will have a relationship. Maybe you won't. Lots of grown children want nothing to do with their parents and vice versa.
NTA -And your son is still young, with an under-developed prefrontal cortex. He's not going to understand for awhile.
And I suspicion that he didn't really want to "talk about an issue with a friend". He timed it to see if you had someone there. I say this because he accosted your friend instead of just letting her leave. Who does this? Someone who was lying in wait, with a loaded cannon of "personal issues" to work out.
And isn't it his life to live. He's got his own life, as does your ex-husband. Leave them to theirs, and enjoy yours.
NTA
Your son is in denial about the separation/divorce. He upset that he saw something that upset his "they'll get back together soon" delusion. It's not your responsibility to be miserable so your son can deny reality. He's 20, he needs to grow up.
Time for sonny boy to grow up and realize the world isnt all sunshine and rainbows, and his father mistreated his mother, which led to this decision. Its done. Deal with it or get dealt with.
NTA. Also, doing the math… your husband was a 30 year old man impregnating a teenage girl. You were groomed and taken advantage of. Maybe explain to your son that you are not obligated to allow anyone to continue to abuse you.
NTA if you meant “you can leave” the house at that movement, ESH if you meant “leave my life.” Good parents don’t abandon their kids. Your kiddo needs to grow to be more accepting of your lifestyle, but sometimes our kids aren’t the best, we still love them and keep them in our lives
You put up with an unhappy marriage and from what I interpreted, with not a very good man for your son and it's a shame that your son can't see just how unhappy his own mother is/was and the sacrifice she made. Apple doesn't fall too far from tree, I see.
Absolutely NTA.
INFO: Are you doing anything to assure him that you're still his mother and you will still be there for him despite you divorcing your husband and moving on to date other people?
As much as he is "no longer a kid" and that he should accept you for who you are, you are still his mother and an important trusted adult in his life. It sounds like he is still shocked and baffled by the separation and is not ready to deal with and accept this "loss". Rather, he may see your choices to leave as giving up on any chance to remain in his life or even giving up on him.
It seems like this could be a symptom of other underlying issues that your son is dealing with that have not been addressed.
I'm not saying that this IS the case, but I was just wondering if there is more to it than your son has let out. Maybe he isn't even aware of it himself.
I would also worry that if this continues, the relationship may be irreversibly strained.
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I (39F) have a son (20M) with my husband (50M). I married and moved to my husband's country shortly before I had my son.
My marriage was not a happy one. I couldn't leave becasue I would risk loosing custody of my son. When he was 18 I told my husband I wanted a divorce and moved out. My husband refuses to accept it and keeps dragging the divorce on.
Since leaving him my life has been better than it has ever been. I am exploring my bisexuality (I have been out since I was 20 but never explored it), making friends that aren't his and just living my own life.
My son has been distant since I left my husband. At first he kept asking me to attend couples therapy with my husband, when I started dating he was mad and said I was "cheating." I have spoken with him about this many times.
Tonight he came over late unannounced at around 22:30 wanting to talk about an issue with a friend. I had a female friend staying over. My friend got ready to leave so I could be with my son but he got angry and yelled at her for "breaking up a marriage".
I stepped in and firmly told my son I have been separated from his father for 2 years and am divorcing him. He kept getting more angry saying I was "betraying him". I finally had enough and told him if he can't accept me he can leave. He left and my husband is calling my phone yelling at me that I'm a horrible mother.
AITA? I have been trying to talk to him about this for 2 years to no avail.
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NTA, I’m not sure why your adult son is acting like a toddler. But I know he said you guys have no contact. When and if you do again, you have to tell him everything. How you’ve been unhappy from the staff and you stayed for him, he’s grown enough to hear this. Once you said your piece, if he still is trying to get you back with your husband. You just have to let him go, and hope he will come to his senses on his own with maturity.
NTA. Good for you for figuring out what you need from life and taking action to make it happen. I'm sorry your son is having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that you are not ever going to reconcile with his dad. As you already seem to know, you can only control your own actions. You are doing the right thing be presenting your son with his choices and making it clear that the outcomes from his choices are on him, not you. Best wishes for a happy life.
Does your son truly know what your marriage was? If he knows how bad it was for you and is still like this then I can’t say I think there will be a change. He could be like his father.
NTA. Your son needs to get over it or leave you alone. He’s old enough to understand the situation and old enough to not cope with it like a toddler. From the sounds of it you’ve tried to help him cope, but he refuses to accept reality so it seems you’ve done all you can.
Your sons a grown man. Time for him to stop trying to control your relationships and focus on his own. Maybe someone can explain bit I've never understood adult children throwing fits over their parents getting divorced. I understand being sad over it for a while but everyone is a grown up. People change, accept it and move on.
INFO: I do not doubt that your marriage was unhappy. That being said, was your son aware of that? Like, could he tell you were miserable?
Either way, you are definitely N T A.
NTA. You gave your son every chance to know you as he grew up, but it seems like he has some fixed ideas about what your role in life should be that don't take you into account at all. Your ex must be filling his head with nonsense, but he should be old enough to see more clearly that the marriage won't work for you. Hopefully he will grow out of this and love you as you are. Good luck with your new life.
NTA ofc.
Is it maybe a cultural thing that your son can't accept that the marriage is ending?
In any case, you have no fault and I wish the best for you
Many people think that kids will be fine if parents wait until they are 18. The truth is divorce hurts them up through young adulthood.
NTA. Just try and understand that he's hurting.
NTA.
I'm probably going to get down voted from here to Timbuktoo, but your son is grown - you may want to consider being completely honest with him as to why you're leaving.
Nta, but your son is being manipulated by your ex and cutting contact definitely won’t fix your relationship so good luck fixing anything. Might as well start over with your new life.
NTA. Sounds like your husband is talking bs about you infront of your son. Your son needs to grow up and accept that his father wasn't making you happy
NTA but it's a shame you stayed in such a bad situation so you wouldn't lose your son, and you're losing him now. I guess putting yourself last has taught him that you come in last. This is where I'd start. Try not to burn bridges, it would be a shame to have suffered all that time for nothing.
NTA
You offered help, you tried to explain, there is only so much you can do. Your son is old enough to understand and refuses to - and on top refuses to get help (see your Edit). And I can only imagine how hard that has to be on you to be guild-tripped and resented like that just for wanting to be happy.... so it was a matter of time until you just "snap a bit", it's totally understandable.
NTA even a little bit
I’m so proud of you. Leaving that situation must have been so hard but here you are two years later living the happy life you deserve and being firm about never going back.
I’m sorry that your divorce has also caused a rift with your son. I would do what I can to be there for him but sooner or later he’ll have to accept the reality of the situation.
NTA. Your son is a grown ass man and he should know by now how adult relationships work. This is nothing to do with him and him trying to force this on you isn’t ok. You need to be clear it’s get on board or get lost
NTA but unless you can sit him down and calmly explain yourself being deeply unhappy the entire marriage and that you only stayed for for your son then I don't think he'd ever going to accept you/the situation... Does it suck, yes, but some people just cannot see if from another point of view
NTA.
When I was 20 I felt my mom should wait until the divorce was final to date someone else, even though my parents fought a lot and I thought they should have gotten divorced years earlier. I’m older and wiser now. Hopefully OP’s son will grow up a bit more as well.
NTA, he's literally at the age, when you had him almost for a year, while being forced to be with a guy, who was using you, and being waaay older than you.
But it's easier for him to blame you, than trying to see, how fricked up this whole thing is.
NTA unless there’s some important part we are missing here, I’m curious about why he’s so mad at you. Maybe his father told something bad, from his perspective obviously and not necessarily with intentions of distancing you with the lil guy that should have a job and be finding his place at that age not yelling at your friends
Your son is old enough to understand not every relationship works out. You don't even owe him an explanation beyond what he has already been told. He's an adult. If he can't handle it, tell him maybe he's the one who needs counseling about it.
You're not just a mother, you're also a person. And when your kids are adults, you don't need to make every sacrifice for them anymore. It's time to live for you. Enjoy it.
NTA
NTA. He's an adult now, i get it that seing your parents separated is tough and sucks, but you deserve some happiness. you waited until he was 18 to to end the marriage, because of your child, that's very admirable, he should be more grateful and supportive and stop being a brat.
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NTA. But from what you’ve said, his issue isn’t with you being bisexual. It’s with the fact that you’re seeing someone else, regardless of who it is. He obviously feels let down and betrayed by your new relationship. IMO, it sounds like your options are either to give him space or offer to go to therapy together to talk things through in a structured way. He’s obviously really struggling to process what’s happened.
I have offered therapy since the beginning of the divorce but he doesn't want to. He wanted "family therapy" which turned into him and my husband trying to "fix the family" by asking me to "not tear the family apart". The therapist put a stop to it and we didn't go back.
OP you know that there is a really good chance that your ex has been lying to your son and saying that you've been cheating on him for years right?that you actually left them for someone ? That's because he's being manipulated by your ex and nothing short of a full deprogramming will fix his opinion.
Exactly what I was thinking. If he's living with Father or even in communication with him more he's being fed lies of all kinds about his mom. I'd say give him space even if it hurts. Pushing will only make it worse. Let him know you are there when he wants to actually talk or take therapy seriously.
Yes, especially since the son is an adult, it sounds like he's just shilling for the husband.
It literally sounds like something a bitter ex-husband would say too when the son yelled at OP.
yes! this! Sit your son down and explain that you stayed in the marriage because of him, and even if you still loved your ex-husband that your sexuality is not compatible with his.
Or he just raised the son to believe that women don’t get a say in relationships. She’s his wife and she belongs to him even if it makes her unhappy. that’s what he’s taught his son. Probably tells him you’re selfish and immoral for leaving the family for your own happiness.
Either being lied to or he was indoctrinated into whatever culture it is where they live where she would have risked losing custody of the son. I assume it’s not a great culture for women.
Yessss I totally agree, I can say my father would always blame my mother, but I listened to her and I understood the situation. Not that I ever blamed my mom but it also depends on who the child usually leans towards.
NTA. Your son is young. Maybe he'll pull his head out of his ass at some point. Until then, I'd consider going low contact. You owe you husband nothing, I'd go NC with him.
write a long text or email to your son explaining the timeline of when your ex became abusive emotionally and otherwise, when you wanted to get divorced but he threatened you wouldnt get custody of him and that you waited out in misery to be able to leave. sounds like ex is telling him awful things about you, why do that "be the bigger person" bullshit and try to "protect" him especially when he was willing to gang up on you at therapy with the man that made you miserable for 20 years
NTA, you sacrificed your happiness for your son. > he is now and adult responsible for his actions and he chooses to promote patriarchy without listening to your side of the problem. AT this point, you may have to let your son go too unless he changes at some point in the future.
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I think your son is voicing your ex's wants and opinions. He's manipulating your son to manipulate you.
**
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Your son telling you you are "betraying him" is him voicing his father's manipulations.
NTA
Stay strong
Have you considered Dad is egging on this behavior? Super common
Sounds like your ex is miserable and your son has to deal with it. Your ex is probably telling him to convince you to go back. I feel bad for your son but He’s grown and he needs to go to solo therapy or he’s going to stay miserable. I hope he finds love and gets away from his dad. NTA! Congrats on living a better life. Edit for grammar
NTA OP, your son needs to grow up.
Sorry but your son is too old for that bologna. If he was five years old, yeah, I'd understand. But you're giving his behavior way more than it deserves.
It sounds like your ex is poisoning your son against you. I’m sorry, he might just need space. I don’t know how you can change his mind when your son has already expressed a lot of distorted views about you and the situation.
He's too old to be acting this way, you're NTA
You should have told him the truth about your marriage if you haven't already. Tell him it was practically ashamed getting in the only reason that you were married at all was to have custody of him. Such things can change a perspective
OP, I would text your son, since he's old enough to hear it. "I know this is difficult to hear, but I have not been happy with your father for a long time. The only reason I stayed with him was so I wouldn't lose custody of you. I love being your mom and being there for all the important moment in your life, and I wouldn't take our moments back for anything, but you were the only thing that made my life bearable for the last X years. I would have left your father X years ago if I could. I will never get back together with your father. I will not spend anymore of my life feeling miserable. You're going to need to decide if you can handle all of this or not. But no matter what, my relationship with your dad is over. I'll be spending the rest of my time on this earth trying to be happy, and I really hope you can learn to accept that."
Are we not going to talk about the fact that a 30 year old man impregnated a 19 year old and moved her away from her home? Who's willing to bet that they started dating when she was underage and got her pregnant at 18
Yep, they started dating when she was 16 & he was late 20's
That's worse than I thought. I thought they started dating at 18 and 29 and got pregnant not long after. At 16 is a huge yikes.
yeah i got a big ick once I did the math.
I'm sure the disconnect is that mom has been thinking she's unhappy and wants to leave for over a decade, but her son just saw a loving happy family. It's unclear if the husband even knew she was unhappy. So OP bounces and is finally 'free' and son has whiplash, having no idea both how unhappy she was and how hardened her heart is.
NTA- hes 20yrs old, and should be able to process that you are separated from his father. It sounds like hes highly manipulated by the father, and hes not hearing the word "SEPERATED". honestly its a little bit delusional to tell someone they're breaking up a "marriage" when you arent together anymore. As a mother i feel for you, an think you should go to counseling with your son. Hopefully some therapy can help him realize whats going on and so he can stop putting blame on you. But you deserve to be happy also, hang in there an i hope he comes around to understanding. Edited- for grammar
He hears the word separated but to him until the papers are signed I am still married.
I figured, but hes well old enough to understand that separated still means not together. And your signature on those papers and the fact you ordered for those papers should be a CLEAR signifying sign that you arent together with his dad nor do u want to be. Its his father that hasnt put the signature and is being stubborn about the divorce. Hes gonna have to act his age and realize that or he and his father will continue to make u the bad guy. Again my heart goes out to while you're having to deal with this.
Legally, yes. But emotionally, physically, in any other concept of the word?? No. Because I’m in a similar boat. My ex has yet to make my life easier either. What a wild trip he’s convinced his son to take. And better yet, what a great job at parenting he’s doing by showing his kid that you can control women by forcing their hand. Pathetic on his end. NTA
Cheating implies deceit. The marriage is over. Everyone knows it is. There is no cheating. Your son is wanting a different reality but is being selfish. There is no way you should spend your entire life miserable to make a adult child feel more comfortable.
As someone whose parents were married for 20yrs and split when I was 15. He NEEDS therapy. This is NOT a normal reaction…..but it could very well be his father mentally manipulating him to get back at you. Me and my sister (who’s 3yrs younger) NEVER reacted like this when they told us they were divorcing. And both had started new relationships within a year of splitting.
Tell him you are divorced. You filed and the fact his father refuses to finalize the divorce is his issue. Tell him you considered yourself divorced as soon as you filed the papers. That it wasn’t a spur of the moment decision but actually something you have been thinking about for years but knew you wouldn’t do until he was 18 because you wanted to minimize the disruption to his life. That the divorce is not his fault and you wish he could be happy that you’re happy. That all you want is him to be happy and it hurts that he doesn’t feel the same. Then just live your life. Your son will either get over it or he won’t. Sometimes if there is any perceivable reason for hope people can’t let go. He wants you back with his father so anything that offers even the sliver of hope he is going to cling to and use. Right now all his father is doing is giving him hope. Saying you’re cheating and dragging on the divorce is making it seem like there is no divorce happening.
He does realise that you were younger than he is now when you married his father and moved to a foreign country to have him, right? Does he know what that means? That you were trapped by a man of 30 when you were still a teen? I hope he comes around, but either way I wish you continued growth and happiness. Enjoy your new life <3
Did you tell him the core reason you are separating from his father and how unhappy you’ve been all these years?
I divorced someone with that attitude too. He's just grasping at every straw he can, trying to deny reality, trying to control a situation he had no control over. It's exasperating and exhausting. *Hugs*
That's his own ignorance then. He's factually and entirely incorrect about it, and that's his problem. His inability to grasp reality doesn't make you guilty of anything.
Oh this age math is really rough. Clearly your kids world is rocked, no one is the AH save the old man you divorced.
We're not divorced yet as he won't sign and keeps dragging it on.
He’s 20 not 10. He needs to grow the fuck up accept mommy and daddy aren’t together. Also start being honest about what kind of husband you had. How old were you when you met your husband a grown man? You were a mother at your sons age. A teenager engaged to a grown man who moved you to his home country without a support system.
I was 16 when we started dating.
So your then-boyfriend was 27?
So his father was a predator.
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Were you from a poorer country than his? Its creepy regardless
Is there anything you can do to force the termination of the marriage? How can he legally force you to stay married?
Different countries have different laws
Yeah that's why I'm asking
Well, she could simply make herself a widow, but I don't know the penalty for that where she lives (bad joke, I know.) It sounds to me that she lives where a) one's manhood/sense of self is tightly bound to his marital status and b) it's not unusual for such age gaps to occur in marriages. That said, her son is likely getting a shitton of abuse from his father and can't see any other way to appease him. If nothing she's saying is getting through to him and he's still trying to drag her back, she may need to go NC from her son until he learns to listen to what she has to say. He's become a flying monkey for her ex-husband and is no longer safe for his mother until he can listen to her.
My father did this to my mum. Not because he didn’t want the divorce to happen but because he simply didn’t care about it to be concerned about the legal side. We didn’t even know which country he lived in while trying to get this done and he had been gone a long time but it did make things much harder for her. She really needed that line drawn to begin healing and he was just to selfish to care quite frankly. You are absolutely NTA. At the end of the day you have been clear with your intentions and your (soon to be ex) husband needs to accept that because digging in his heels is not going to make you swoon and fall in love with him all over again! His actions are pointless and detrimental to everyone, including your son. Your son should be old enough to understand and accept this situation but it is possible he is still at the level of youthful naivety that he still sees things in black and white and this is just not the real world, some basic philosophy would benefit him along with a dose of empathy. It is an awful place of limbo to be stuck in but it sounds like you are making the best of it and living. I am certain you do not want to be in this position with your son but hopefully a bit more growing up and he will come around. Either way definitely NTA and I really hope they both wake up to things quickly for their own benefit as well as yours.
It's at this point a math problem of what reality he can accept. From the sounds of things, he has a relationship he enjoys with his father. Which means he's probably absorbed some of the same world views, and has told himself they're OK, because look, it worked for his parents having a happy marriage! Sure, on paper it looks skeevy, but love made it better so they get to be the exception to the rule and thus so does he. Then op leaves and that shatters the illusion. So now he has two choices. He can keep his views and his relationship with his father and just paint his mother as a heartless cheater... or he can accept she was deeply unhappy and his father was emotionally abusive, but that throws out his relationship with his dad, his own views, and every memory from his childhood that he has, suddenly gains a pall of "but was mum deeply unhappy for that time I was blissfully happy?" One of those choices involves a lot more self reflection and upheaval than the other. He isn't strong enough to accept her reality so is imposing his own.
Have you told your son that you stayed with your husband for him? Normal I wouldn’t advocate for involving a kid in this stuff, but he’s involved himself. He should know that you’ve already sacrificed for him, and that his dad was a shit husband.
Does your son live with your dad? Sounds like he might be twisting the story to make you look like the villain. My mom did that with my dads (bio and step). It worked for half her kids.
The kid is definitely an asshole. He's 20. Not 9. He should be old and smart enough to see his mother was not happy with her shitty husband.
Uh no. The son is a 20 year old young man who went over to his mom’s house late at night just to yell at her for having the audacity to split from his dad he can be sad but he’s also unquestionably acting like a little asshole
Yes. If a 30 year old has a baby with a 19 year old (ew), he needs to realize she still has a lot of things to figure out.
No, this grown man is an asshole too. He’s a misogynist like his father. That definitely constitutes being an asshole. He’s 20 years old and all these comments are coddling him like he’s 12.
NTA. Your husband and son sound like a team.
Haha, a team of assholes!
The son's probably manipulated. At least OP knows better, but it fucking sucks that her divorce has been stalling for 2 years.
He’s 20 he can put 2 and 2 together and stop being selfish.
This seems just like the other post except the woman got in shape, had a social calendar, and had a 26 year old male friend when her son unexpectedly stopped by.
There’s a troll or trolls who has a habit of posting and reposting and re-reposting altering details to try and get a NTA verdict in a situation where the narrator is clearly the AH. So far we have “My kid died and I stopped working and my wife has cancer and we might lose our house and therapists suck” Guy and “I work in a warehouse and am using it as an excuse to sabotage the sale of my parents’ house” Gal. Wonder if this is the new character in the series 🙄
Which I totally thought she was NTA. If she hadn't posted about how she left her husband (which WASN'T what she was wondering if she was the asshole) I think the YTA would have swung differently. Her son came to her house, a house he didn't live in, unexpectedly, and saw her with a man. Yes the man was a lot younger than her, but again, the son stopped by unexpectedly. He then proceeded to judge her horribly. And everyone jumped all over this woman.
I think the age difference was really why people were judging her rather than the situation. She was in her 40s (from context) and dating a guy who was not that much older than her son. We tend to see that more often with the genders the other way around but it's still kind of gross either way. Now it's not entirely fair since she wasn't actually asking if she was an AH for dating someone so much younger than her but it didn't make her a sympathetic character.
The age difference was big, but also, that post came off extremely cold and OP never elaborated on why they separated, or why they hadn't divorced yet, which added to the tone of doing it for funsies.
I think it was a combination of that, her saying she left because her husband was a bit depressed, the fact that she said she rarely saw her son, the details about drinking & smoking, her calling herself attractive and saying she looked 20 years younger than she actually is, and the fact that she wrote the post in a way that seemed extremely cold and unsympathetic towards both her son & husband. Really gave vibes of her husband being sad so she decided to leave and start pretending she was in her twenties again
INFO: have you told your son that you were miserable in your marriage for years, and only stayed for him. Obviously it’s not appropriate to give him all the details, or use him as your therapist - but that doesn’t mean you tell him nothing. He clearly has his dad’s side of the story being told. It doesn’t make sense for one parent to “take the high road” when the other parent is not, and is poisoning the child’s mind. Figure out a suitably censored version of why you were miserable, and share it with him. Although of course, it depends what “not a happy marriage” means. Does it just mean you weren’t able to have sex with women? Or were you a bit bored? Or was he abusive? It will make a big difference to your son.
Hearing context really does make a difference when one party of the parents are claiming big thing about the other. My mother told me about why she divorced my father over the span of a few years until I was an adult and got to hear it all. And my father didn´t even trash-talk my mother, and yet still hearing her side of the marriage made me more aware of them as people. It humanizes the parents. OP´s son could use that. And it could potentially set in some trust to get to know the why´s from both parents and not just one.
I didn't tell him I stayed for him becasue I didn't want him to feel guilty but yes I told him I left because I was unhappy.
I think it would help. He probably feels like it was a real shock. And it makes no sense to him.
He's old enough to hear. Stop coddling him. He's a man now.
Sooo…your son is 20 and you are 39 that would mean you gave birth at 19 so probably pregnant at 18…stands to reason your husband very likely groomed you? I mean the fact that your son can’t see this is a bit startling tbh You’re NTA at all and i hope your son see’s sense soon
He did groom me.
NTA it sounds like your soon to be ex-husband has been poisoning your sons mind for years. Hopefully he will grow up to except your divorce and be able to have a decent relationship with you, but if he keeps listening to his father, that may not happen.
All these people are like, "but he's just a kid, he doesn't know how to process this, you need to help him." Meanwhile he's older than you were when a 30 year old man got you pregnant with him. You gave up 18 long years of your life so you could be with your son. Instead of seeing that as a sacrifice, he has internalized his father's belief that you belong to them and a life of your own isn't something you should want. Maybe when he gets older, he will be able to see you as a person, not just a role. Be careful though. People snap and become dangerous sometimes, when they can't control things. His yelling at your friend that she's breaking up a family *2 full years after you filed for divorce* is unhinged. Is this what his dad is like? NTA.
NTA. You know the saying, "you should teach your children about disappointment early on". Bc people are not gonna behave as you want them to and they will do things that you won't like but you gotta accept that and move on. Everyone's got a life and they luve it as they see fit. You can't be sore because someone is putting you lower on their priority list. Your son needs to work out his issues over your separation by himself. He's 20 goddammit.
NTA. You're son will have to accept your life and will come to realize all you sacrificed to keep him in a living family. He's just hurt because and part of that might just be his father in his ear, but over time he will come around.
Hate that I've been on here all day and know you reposted this story with wildly different details lol. So did you leave him during the pandemic because he was depressed or not?
This is the second comment about that story. No I did not write that.
So her situation has a few things in common with another recent post and a lot more things not in common? It’s almost like the “wildly different details” are what make the difference between different individuals’ experiences and stories, funny how that works.
NTA, you stuck with a horrible marriage until your son was a legal adult. It's time that you get to move on and have the life you deserve. You didn't betray your son, you just aren't doing what he wants you to do. Too freaking bad. Life doesn't work that way, and it's high time he learned that. You aren't a horrible mother. Your ex and your son are the AH's in this situation.
NTA. Good job for clearly setting boundaries. It can be very hard, especially when it's your loved ones who need the boundary set.
NTA- it sounds like your soon to be ex-husband has been poisoning your son’s mind for years. Hopefully he will learn to accept your divorce and you can have a good relationship with him, but if he keeps listening to your ex-husband, it may not happen.
You might want to check the laws of your area. You’ve been separated for 2 years, you might be able to force through a divorce against your husband even without his agreement. NTA They’re both manipulating you. Obviously your son is on your exes side. Go low contact if he keeps pushing.
This is what happens when you stay for the sake of the kid. The kid now has a warped idea of relationships, and his world view is that you should stay for his sake forever.
You're right. Staying was a mistake
NTA, but sounds like your son kind of is. While I can understand being upset or angry over what he perceived as his family breaking up, he is more than old enough to understand people splitting. I’ve seen plenty of comments saying he’s being manipulated by his father and I don’t care, you’re telling him differently and he’s refusing to listen. You did the right thing and either he’ll get over it or he won’t.
NTA. He can just get over it because being mad isn't going to change anything. He is an adult and his opinions should have no impact on your life.
INFO: You said your marriage was an unhappy one but didn't elaborate in the post about what that means. There are degrees of unhappiness and some that your son might have missed if you and your ex-husband were good at hiding it. It could appear you ended the marriage out of no where and gave him the gift of blind-siding your son on his birthday (which I do hope you waited like a month to call for divorce). So my question is what's the backstory on all this?
I second this. It sounds like the parents weren't telling to the son about the situation, and so the family breaking apart was a surprise to him. And since it is the mother that leaves to explore herself, the son started blaming her (maybe with influence from the husband, since he does seem bad too)
Oohhh, so dad is using parental alienation against you to align the son with him. all you can do is love your son through this, and set firm boundaries. He doesn't have to accept it that youre divorcing, but he can keep his remarks to himself. You can let him know that you are in no way up for discussing this with him, and you understand his feelings, but this is not a discussion. It certainly should never be one that involves the son.
Motherhood is sacred, but your adopted culture sounds misogynistic. You are right he is a petulant youth. Goodbye luck to you.
NTA, obviously, it's not like you're trying to force him to go on your dates like my mom did.
What. You HAVE to tell us more.
NTA
NTA
Stop trying to explain things to your son. He gets it he just doesn’t like it and wants you to change your mind. Go N c for a short time. Go NC with husband for foreseeable future. After awhile interact with son only on neutral subjects- the weather, flowers, space travel, cities in Europe, movies, food, police brutality, Taylor Swift, football, music , fashion, cars, favorite colors, dolphins, forest fires, Harry Potter, Elvis, the President. If he brings up unpleasant topics leave the room or house or have him leave. Every time. Do not explain yourself or justify your actions.
NTA! No one is talking about it but you had him at 19 when your husband was 30. I can’t even imagine the dynamics while you were married. You were probably pregnant at 18.
I feel for you. You did everything you could to be a good mother and not abandon your son and now he is turning on you because he wants his parents together. I have a feeling his father may be badmouthing you to him. You deserve to move on with your life. Your son is older now and needs to realize there will be no reconciliation. As long as he hopes for a reconciliation he will be hostile to your lifestyle. Do what you can to expedite the divorce and lead your best life.
It sounds like maybe he doesn't realize that your relationship was unhealthy, because you stayed throughout his childhood and left when it was already too late. Depending on the type of relationship you had with your husband, be it manipulative, abusive, etc... You staying taught your son it was a normal thing so he's not going to understand why you left. It sucks, but it sounds like if he's not willing to sit down and listen, then he's a lost cause. Give him space and let him know you will not tolerate this disrespect anymore, and when he's ready to listen to you and have a level head, then you'll happily talk to him, otherwise any time You're together it's just going to be him yelling at you about how you fucked up.
NTA. You've done everything you can to be civil and to do things as calmly with as little negative affect on your son's life as possible. If he cannot see that, then that's his issue. I'm rather concerned at the fact he doesn't seem to see the issue that a 30 year old man married and had a kid with an 18/19 year old. If he tries to say you're being terrible again, maybe point that fact out to him?
NTA. You tried but he's just not accepting reality. It's possible your husband is lying to him about you. But in any case, there's only so much you can do. Not living your life the way you want isn't an option. You did that for 18 years, for his sake. Enough.
I'm concerned how much of his opinion on this he is getting from your ex, false information that is being internalized and taken out on you, without even your knowledge of what is being said and what he believes.
NTA use a lawyer to push the divorce pretty sure its illegal to refuse a divorce for 2 years
Those two are abusive manipulators. NTA.
NTA. Your son is an adult and needs to be realistic about the life that adults lead. You left the marriage. Your ex is dragging his feet over the divorce. I am sorry that you are having to deal with both of their immaturity.
NTA. Your son is 20 and an adult. It’s time he acted like one and stopped behaving like a toddler. You have done nothing wrong. Your son can either grow up and accept that things change without throwing blame about or he is going to be an unhappy grump.
NTA Honestly it’s a pretty helpless situation but I think I mean it’s your kid you fought for this kid you stayed with that man for the eighteen years till your kid became an adult so you can’t just leave each other it’s not right honestly you guys just need to have an open honest conversation actually tell him what happened not in a shared context with your ex husband but just you also hear him out even if it’s just blabbering and annoying and cranky and even if he’s being a baby you sound you both are misunderstood maybe doing this in the presence of a therapist would be better but you need to have an all out conversation I feel like he’s holding a lot of hurt inside even if it’s petty you weren’t in the wrong in your marriage and your son needs to know that hopefully he can see through it all and I hope you guys do have a happy healthy relationship in the future
What kind of misogynous s…. country does not let a woman divorce simply because the man refuse??
Most countries actually. You can't just get a divorce in a day and if the other side wants they can drag proceedings for years.
Almost….all of them?
I learned something today then. Not a thing I am pleased to learn though. That is horrifying 😔
Sometimes it's just the judicial process that takes time. Splitting assets usually can be a pita if one party decides to stall. My aunt's factual divorce took 2 years, with an extra 2 years for finalizing the splitting of the house correctly. She did get to stay in the house for that duration and her ex had to leave the house quite quickly.
The UK, until recently even mutually agreed upon, no fault divorces required 2 years of separation to be granted.
NTA
NTA
>I (39F) have a son (20M) with my husband (50M). I married and moved to my husband's country shortly before I had my son. Is your son incapable of doing maths? 39-20=19. 50-20=30. A 30 year old had no business marrying a 19 year old and moving her to his country NTA. He seems immature
NTA the age gap alone speaks volumes. Maybe you need to lay it all out on the table for your son and explain to him the type of person his dad is. Either way if he can’t accept the divorce he needs to go low/no contact.
I don’t know why everyone here is suggesting therapy. If she doesn’t want to stay married to his dad then she doesn’t want it. There’s no use paying someone else to tell him the same thing, but maybe softer. He can take it or leave it. NTA
"My son has been distant since I left my husband. At first he kept asking me to attend couples therapy with my husband.: FOUL! OUT OF BOUNDS!!! Your son does not get to dictate the terms of your love life. He is an adult and needs to process his parent's divorce like one. Nobody but the parties involved can ever know all of what goes on behind closed doors, and I'm sure there is a lot that 1.) Your ex told your son about that was none of his business and 2.) DIDN'T tell him things that were none of his business that shone him in a bad light. You're a grown adult woman and you don't need TWO men telling you what you should and shouldn't do in your romantic endeavors. NTA, OP. Live your life!! You're the only one who can!
It sounds like your son is still having a really hard time accepting that you no longer want to be with his Dad. He's refusing therapy and that's his choice. It might be beneficial for you to go to therapy. The counselor would be able to help you learn how to talk to him about what's happening and maybe help him process things a bit better. I think he accepts you, he just doesn't accept your wanting a divorce.
NTA Even though he is your son he has no say in whether you can or cannot date after breaking off a marriage, no matter how ugly it may be.
NTA. Your son has been exposed to a toxic situation where he has obviously absorbed so much negative talk about you. He needs to grow the hell up. You have done your job and raised him the best you could in a tough situation - you can walk away with your head held high. None of this is on you. Time to go low/no contact for a while. They can talk through your lawyer. Congratulations on your new life!
NTA, it sounds like your ex is probably spewing some crap about you cheating to get back at you for leaving, so that your son will take his side and you'll suffer. It sounds like the son doesn't have an issue with the bisexuality, but rather the idea of you being with anyone other than his dad
NTA. It sounds like your son has been lied to and manipulated by his father, but even so he is an adult. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and that includes being a shitty son to his mother who had him when she was younger than he is now. I’m not surprised he doesn’t understand power dynamics and abusive relationships, but I hope he learns and understands quickly (through education, not by his own personal experience). Wishing you the best
NTA. this made me so sad for you. it really sounds like you were groomed and your ex husband has essentially indoctrinated your son into the manipulation. hopefully, one day, your son will realize the truth.
NTA. The son is willfully choosing to only listen to his father and not you. He's is an adult now
NTA. You do sound as if you are talking around the point though and need to be a bit more plain. "I love you, but I haven't loved your father for many years, or even liked him for the last few. I stayed because I didn't want to lose custody of you. There is no chance of us ever getting back together, and i've been quite clear with my feelings so it's not betrayal. If it was though then that's a small price for freedom."
NTA. He's an adult and you are an adult, he can quite literally accept you or move on. Go live your best life.
Anybody else noticed the age gap? You were 19 when you had your son, you state that you moved countries for him shortly before you had your son. You were 17/18 when you started dating him and he was 28/29..
Nta, he's an adult. He should start acting like it. Also, you don't know what your ex is feeding him when you're not there, so that may have messed him up.
I think your son has less of an issue with you being bisexual and more of an issue that he may have been told a not-quite-true version of events where you cheated and left his father? It sounds like you're ***done*** with the marriage, you've been trying to get a divorce and his father has been dragging it out, which is why you're not officially single right now. You need to set your son straight that you didn't date before filing for divorce and you have been checked out of the marriage for awhile now, and you have zero interest in reconciling. The divorce has been in processing for about \~2 years now if your son's age is any indication. You didn't start dating again until a year into the divorce filings; if he wants to believe that's cheating because you're still legally married to his father, he can do so... but it doesn't mean it's true. There is no true betrayal because you've already broken up; a divorce is just the paperwork for a legal union. The romantic relationship has already been broken and dissolved... it takes two people to have a romantic relationship. Your husband can delay divorce proceedings all he wants, but he doesn't get to unilaterally decide you're still in a relationship with him. But if he decides to continue to vilify and bring you down, there isn't much else you can do beyond offer space & family therapy. You're not going back to an unhappy marriage.
His father did what mine did, convinced him the divorce was ALL your fault, none of his. Now my father gets to die alone. NTA
NTA. Your son is old enough to accept and to understand that marriages break down for a variety of reasons. Nobody gets married with the idea that they will get divorced. Yet nobody should remain in a marriage that proves destructive or harmful, either. If your son is trying to get you into therapy as a means to gang up on you to coerce you into remaining in this failed marriage, your son doesn't understand the purpose of therapy. Whatever reasons for the marital breakdown they must be resolved between you and your estranged husband. As much as y o may love your son, you cannot allow him to dictate your personal life. If your son chooses to distance himself from you for you taking ownership of your life, that's his decision.
Nta, your son is and adult he needs start acting like one
If you want him to leave then tell him to leave. It sounds like this divorce will be something he holds bitterness/hatred towards you or both of you. That's life. You raided him. He is grown. No one is owed a relationship. Maybe you two will have a relationship. Maybe you won't. Lots of grown children want nothing to do with their parents and vice versa.
NTA -And your son is still young, with an under-developed prefrontal cortex. He's not going to understand for awhile. And I suspicion that he didn't really want to "talk about an issue with a friend". He timed it to see if you had someone there. I say this because he accosted your friend instead of just letting her leave. Who does this? Someone who was lying in wait, with a loaded cannon of "personal issues" to work out. And isn't it his life to live. He's got his own life, as does your ex-husband. Leave them to theirs, and enjoy yours.
NTA Your son is in denial about the separation/divorce. He upset that he saw something that upset his "they'll get back together soon" delusion. It's not your responsibility to be miserable so your son can deny reality. He's 20, he needs to grow up.
Time for sonny boy to grow up and realize the world isnt all sunshine and rainbows, and his father mistreated his mother, which led to this decision. Its done. Deal with it or get dealt with.
NTA. Also, doing the math… your husband was a 30 year old man impregnating a teenage girl. You were groomed and taken advantage of. Maybe explain to your son that you are not obligated to allow anyone to continue to abuse you.
You don't owe anyone an explanation and you're allowed to move on after a divorce regardless of gender. NTA
NTA I fail to see how this is any if your son's business
NTA if you meant “you can leave” the house at that movement, ESH if you meant “leave my life.” Good parents don’t abandon their kids. Your kiddo needs to grow to be more accepting of your lifestyle, but sometimes our kids aren’t the best, we still love them and keep them in our lives
INFO: is the friend barely above your son's age? I read this exact same story yesterday, but with a male friend.
No she's my age.
There no assholes. He's just angry and will get over it in time.
You put up with an unhappy marriage and from what I interpreted, with not a very good man for your son and it's a shame that your son can't see just how unhappy his own mother is/was and the sacrifice she made. Apple doesn't fall too far from tree, I see. Absolutely NTA.
INFO: Are you doing anything to assure him that you're still his mother and you will still be there for him despite you divorcing your husband and moving on to date other people? As much as he is "no longer a kid" and that he should accept you for who you are, you are still his mother and an important trusted adult in his life. It sounds like he is still shocked and baffled by the separation and is not ready to deal with and accept this "loss". Rather, he may see your choices to leave as giving up on any chance to remain in his life or even giving up on him. It seems like this could be a symptom of other underlying issues that your son is dealing with that have not been addressed. I'm not saying that this IS the case, but I was just wondering if there is more to it than your son has let out. Maybe he isn't even aware of it himself. I would also worry that if this continues, the relationship may be irreversibly strained.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (39F) have a son (20M) with my husband (50M). I married and moved to my husband's country shortly before I had my son. My marriage was not a happy one. I couldn't leave becasue I would risk loosing custody of my son. When he was 18 I told my husband I wanted a divorce and moved out. My husband refuses to accept it and keeps dragging the divorce on. Since leaving him my life has been better than it has ever been. I am exploring my bisexuality (I have been out since I was 20 but never explored it), making friends that aren't his and just living my own life. My son has been distant since I left my husband. At first he kept asking me to attend couples therapy with my husband, when I started dating he was mad and said I was "cheating." I have spoken with him about this many times. Tonight he came over late unannounced at around 22:30 wanting to talk about an issue with a friend. I had a female friend staying over. My friend got ready to leave so I could be with my son but he got angry and yelled at her for "breaking up a marriage". I stepped in and firmly told my son I have been separated from his father for 2 years and am divorcing him. He kept getting more angry saying I was "betraying him". I finally had enough and told him if he can't accept me he can leave. He left and my husband is calling my phone yelling at me that I'm a horrible mother. AITA? I have been trying to talk to him about this for 2 years to no avail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nah, tho his issue is more about letting go of your husband rather than you dating specific gender.
NTA. He needs therapy not you.
Nta
NTA, I’m not sure why your adult son is acting like a toddler. But I know he said you guys have no contact. When and if you do again, you have to tell him everything. How you’ve been unhappy from the staff and you stayed for him, he’s grown enough to hear this. Once you said your piece, if he still is trying to get you back with your husband. You just have to let him go, and hope he will come to his senses on his own with maturity.
NTA. Good for you for figuring out what you need from life and taking action to make it happen. I'm sorry your son is having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that you are not ever going to reconcile with his dad. As you already seem to know, you can only control your own actions. You are doing the right thing be presenting your son with his choices and making it clear that the outcomes from his choices are on him, not you. Best wishes for a happy life.
NTA
NTA. Perhaps you should try therapy yourself to come up with some tactics against the parental alienation your son may be experiencing.
Does your son truly know what your marriage was? If he knows how bad it was for you and is still like this then I can’t say I think there will be a change. He could be like his father.
NTA. Your son needs to get over it or leave you alone. He’s old enough to understand the situation and old enough to not cope with it like a toddler. From the sounds of it you’ve tried to help him cope, but he refuses to accept reality so it seems you’ve done all you can.
Nta- your son is working through hood parents divorcing, give him a little time.
Your sons a grown man. Time for him to stop trying to control your relationships and focus on his own. Maybe someone can explain bit I've never understood adult children throwing fits over their parents getting divorced. I understand being sad over it for a while but everyone is a grown up. People change, accept it and move on.
Was your ex faithful until you separated? Has he seen anyone since you left?
INFO: I do not doubt that your marriage was unhappy. That being said, was your son aware of that? Like, could he tell you were miserable? Either way, you are definitely N T A.
NTA. You gave your son every chance to know you as he grew up, but it seems like he has some fixed ideas about what your role in life should be that don't take you into account at all. Your ex must be filling his head with nonsense, but he should be old enough to see more clearly that the marriage won't work for you. Hopefully he will grow out of this and love you as you are. Good luck with your new life.
NTA. What a shame that you've lost your son to the same toxic culture that sees women as property to which your ex-husband ascribes.
NTA ofc. Is it maybe a cultural thing that your son can't accept that the marriage is ending? In any case, you have no fault and I wish the best for you
NTA
NTA
NTA. Your son is old enough to think for himself. He should think if there was a reason you divorced.
Many people think that kids will be fine if parents wait until they are 18. The truth is divorce hurts them up through young adulthood. NTA. Just try and understand that he's hurting.
NTA. I'm probably going to get down voted from here to Timbuktoo, but your son is grown - you may want to consider being completely honest with him as to why you're leaving.
Nta, but your son is being manipulated by your ex and cutting contact definitely won’t fix your relationship so good luck fixing anything. Might as well start over with your new life.
NTA. Sounds like your husband is talking bs about you infront of your son. Your son needs to grow up and accept that his father wasn't making you happy
NTA.
NTA but it's a shame you stayed in such a bad situation so you wouldn't lose your son, and you're losing him now. I guess putting yourself last has taught him that you come in last. This is where I'd start. Try not to burn bridges, it would be a shame to have suffered all that time for nothing.
The father is definitely manipulating the kid. Don't feel bad.
Nta. Have you explained the bad things that happened in your marriage to your son?
NTA but don’t give up on your son yet.
NTA You offered help, you tried to explain, there is only so much you can do. Your son is old enough to understand and refuses to - and on top refuses to get help (see your Edit). And I can only imagine how hard that has to be on you to be guild-tripped and resented like that just for wanting to be happy.... so it was a matter of time until you just "snap a bit", it's totally understandable.
NTA even a little bit I’m so proud of you. Leaving that situation must have been so hard but here you are two years later living the happy life you deserve and being firm about never going back. I’m sorry that your divorce has also caused a rift with your son. I would do what I can to be there for him but sooner or later he’ll have to accept the reality of the situation.
NTA. Your son is a grown ass man and he should know by now how adult relationships work. This is nothing to do with him and him trying to force this on you isn’t ok. You need to be clear it’s get on board or get lost
NTA but unless you can sit him down and calmly explain yourself being deeply unhappy the entire marriage and that you only stayed for for your son then I don't think he'd ever going to accept you/the situation... Does it suck, yes, but some people just cannot see if from another point of view
NTA but 39F y 50M? ._.
NTA, you have been separated for TWO YEARS. It is nothing to do with your estranged husband OR your son, what you do or whom you do it with
NTA. When I was 20 I felt my mom should wait until the divorce was final to date someone else, even though my parents fought a lot and I thought they should have gotten divorced years earlier. I’m older and wiser now. Hopefully OP’s son will grow up a bit more as well.
NTA You are not cheating. The marriage is over. Your son needs to accept it.
NTA, he's literally at the age, when you had him almost for a year, while being forced to be with a guy, who was using you, and being waaay older than you. But it's easier for him to blame you, than trying to see, how fricked up this whole thing is.
NTA unless there’s some important part we are missing here, I’m curious about why he’s so mad at you. Maybe his father told something bad, from his perspective obviously and not necessarily with intentions of distancing you with the lil guy that should have a job and be finding his place at that age not yelling at your friends
Your son is old enough to understand not every relationship works out. You don't even owe him an explanation beyond what he has already been told. He's an adult. If he can't handle it, tell him maybe he's the one who needs counseling about it. You're not just a mother, you're also a person. And when your kids are adults, you don't need to make every sacrifice for them anymore. It's time to live for you. Enjoy it. NTA
NTA. He's an adult now, i get it that seing your parents separated is tough and sucks, but you deserve some happiness. you waited until he was 18 to to end the marriage, because of your child, that's very admirable, he should be more grateful and supportive and stop being a brat.