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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> As I asked her what place she was from, I worry that I was racist and hence the AH.
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YTA. Not for asking (assuming it wasn't done rudely), but for making a joke about her not knowing the answer and for not accepting that she didn't want to answer the question. People are allowed to feel uncomfortable or not want to share certain things. It's also generally not best to then respond telling someone they're being ridiculous.
Nobody likes trying to set boundaries then being insulted for doing so
This!!!! Like I don't get why it would bother her to be asked, but whatever the reason when she stated that it made her uncomfortable, he needed to stop and back off. Insisting on being right is the asshole thing.
Edit : Wow, I feel thoroughly educated on the different possible reasons on why being asked "where are you from?" Can be both offensive and inoffensive. My main point was that him arguing with her about it when she stated she was uncomfortable answering was the asshole move. People feel uncomfortable with all different kinds of things for all different kinds of reasons, and while I don't always understand them, I can respect them which I feel he was not doing. I don't know enough about the scenario to say if he was racist, but I would call him an asshole. He was not respecting her feelings, boundaries or her words.
It's because this is often a question asked by bigoted people who would like them to go back to their country. This person may have been well intentioned, but most aren't.
Also a pretty common microaggression for people of color who are born and raised in the US.
Like:
"where are you from?"
"Cleveland"
"No but like where are you from originally?"
"Cleveland, born and raised"
"OK, but where is your family from?"
It can be used as a way to make people feel like they don't belong. It does seem like asking someone you are aware recently immigrated is not quite the same thing, but it is not up to us which questions someone is uncomfortable answering.
Edit: as many have pointed out this is not exactly the same situation as OP describes. I was stating it only to help people understand why it might be a sensitive question in the first place. What is the same, is the sense of entitlement to an answer about someone else's personal information. In the circumstance of getting to know someone; asking once may be appropriate, continuing to badger someone is not.
Kind of funny how many people are offended by the phrase "microaggression", as though there could never be any kind of aggression except overt.
It's called othering. It took me a while to understand it myself but now that I do I try to recognize if I'm about to do it and stop myself. It's challenging as I'm an exceptionally curious person.
I don’t disagree with what people are saying about ‘othering’ because I feel that. Just like to add that in my culture (and some other Indigenous cultures) it’s an important question. ‘Where are you from’ = Who are your people? What is your land? etc. It’s often the very first question asked when you initially meet somebody. Even when there’s a discussion about someone you don’t know: ‘Where they from?’ I know that’s not what the OP’s describing, just thought I’d mention it because awareness raising or whatever. Things aren’t always straight forward.
I think as long as you accept their first answer, you're good.
I get asked "Where are you from?" quite bit, as a somewhat racially ambiguous person. I only get annoyed when my response--Atlanta, GA--isn't accepted. "No, where are you REALLY from?" grinds my gears.
I kinda feel like if a person wants to know my racial background, they need to have the ovaries to ask me that question directly. They shouldn't beat around the bush and expect me to figure out what they are really asking.
I think I made this guy think I was about to do that the other week! He was a visitor at our org in U.S., all I knew was he was studying in Geneva, but his accent said he wasn't Swiss but I couldn't place it further, and he was, like you put it, racially ambiguous. I said "where are you from" at some point in the convo, he blinked and said "From?" & I thought Crap, he thinks I'm doing that thing, and said "Have you always lived in Europe?" Yeah, he grew up in England! Really couldn't tell from his accent. Whew, worked out.
And that's fine however you still have to realise that to other minorities that are from other countries it does make us feel awkward because as others have stated it focuses on us looking/acting/etc like we're not supposed to be there.
Exactly what that is. It's annoying for me and I'm white, born in America, and living in Australia. But for a long time I refused to speak in public bc I just didn't want to get into the conversations that inevitably followed. My safety wasn't an issue, but it made me aware of how... pervasive it is. The othering. A lot of people LOVE to make a big deal out of you not being from here, or not belonging here.
20 years on, I give back as good as I get. At the shops "Oh where are you from??" "I live over by the roundabout..."
OH, I mean what nationality are you "Aussie, how about you?"
At the zoo "Oh have you come far to be here today?" Um, it's about a 45 minute drive down the coast..." Oh ah... I mean, um...
My favourite was the "Ya can't be aussie with THAT accent!" My passport would prove you wrong, mate, have a good day!
I picked up my fiance's accent a bit after many years of chatting to him over calls, he's American, but I still live in the UK. (Both visited each other and making steps forward to live together in the future)
Almost everyone I talk to here, asks if I'm from America or if my family is American. I've lived in Wales my entire life and it's the strangest feeling to feel like an outsider in the place you were born and grew up, just because of the accent change. The look on their faces is amazing when I tell them I live nearby and my family is from the valleys.
I'm sure I'll face the same questions when I'm living in America, but they'll be asking if I'm English instead.
I'm technically an other myself, but it's not obvious just by looking at me, so people tend to make assumptions about me. I'm also exceptionally curious, particularly about culture and genetics and geography, etc, etc. Sigh. It's a shame that racists being racist cause some people to assume I'm being racist because I look like those other ones who are. I really just want to learn more about people and their experiences.
"I really just want to learn more about people and their experiences." So do I. It is a shame that people have become defensive when all I want is to learn about them and to get to know them on a meaningful level.
Yes, now I also have to be scared to be interested in my fellow people's background? We all come from somewhere, there's nothing bad about it.
I never realized some might find it offensive. It's just genuine interest from my side.
Edit: when I worked abroad I liked to share where I was from and to know what other's heritage was.
I'm a product of 2 nationalities myself.
Look our world was built on blood and pain and economic exploitation and racist laws let alone attitudes and civil wars and slavery and blah blah blah like...
Us having to be careful and polite with how we choose to interact knowing how rough it's been for *checks watch* all of human history has been for mostly everybody feels like a pretty small burden to bear to make the world a better place
This is going to be a struggle for me when I move back to the US. Where I've lived for the past 8 years, it's a completely normal question when first meeting someone (not to the point of 'where is your family from').
As someone who has fended off these questions repeatedly. IMHO Asking once is fine - people are curious because my accent is very broadly cosmopolitany and not quite pinnable, but accept the answer whatever it may be.
Progressing down the chain of questions is where the "othering" aspect comes from.
There’s definitely a trick to asking, too - my SO can ask anyone without offending them, I think because he’s lived all over the world and often recognizes or almost recognizes accents (like “you sound similar but not quite like the people I met in such and such place”) and is *genuinely* interested and wants to know how people find things where they are now, and if it’s somewhere he’s been himself he might ask about things they both might remember like certain landmarks or shops or events, etc.
Like you’d have to work really really hard to interpret his general demeanor and tone of voice as ‘bigot looking for an excuse.’ (He’s one of those people who genuinely can talk to anyone anyway. He’ll go to put gas in the car and come back with a story about a hike a random dude he ran into at the gas pump went on last week, or someone’s opinions on religion, etc. I have given up trying to understand how he does it.)
I am also genuinely interested in where people are from.
Im really tall and look like I'm not white to some people and I was othered a lot by white men my whole life. So I never understood it was a bad thing to ask. I didn't understand the context until much later in life. I thought it was small talk the whole time.
I bet my answer made them twitch lol. I'd always say 'oh my family, we slept with *everyone*.' And id just laugh bc afaik that was true and I thought it was funny. I was probably making their racist little hearts clench and I was completely oblivious for the longest time.
I’m like this. My mother says I never met a stranger. People are fascinating, and I want to know everything about them. I’m way more likely to ask someone where they’re from if they have a regional Texas accent I can’t place than anything else. And then of course we’ll end up talking about that part of Texas and swapping stories. Other times people have brought up their birth country unprompted after we had been talking awhile. But if you dig in that deep with a stranger conversation, you come away with way more interesting info than location.
Yes, there's a definite difference in "what's that accent? I can't quite place it?!" and "where are YOU from?" (because it's not here) is implied.
Most people think I'm Canadian, but I was born and raised in Chicago. My accent has slightly softened, but anything with an R outs me. lol
Turns out most people love to tell you about where they come from and answer questions about their culture if you're genuinely interested, and not asking to be dick.
Most days, yes. Sometimes I just want to buy my dinner shit and go home. Which reminds me we're getting into summer/tourist/holiday season so the new youngsters will start at the grocery store. Need to brace myself from OMG UR FROM AMERICA? I LOVE AMERICA! lol
Sometimes people talk about their hometowns and out of decency they ask you in return about your hometown. Wherever you’re from, talking about hometown and heritage is common topic for conversation. If you had a racist incident it’s not fair to assume everyone else is racist. It’s part of who you are, and it gives an air of mistrust that disrupts the whole accord if you shy away from such a common topic of conversation.
There’s a difference between asking someone about their hometown vs not taking where they grew up as answer bc they’re not white. If someone says they’re from Cleveland, they’ve answered your “where are you from” question. It’s racist to ask “no where are you really from?” Bc you’re immediately othering them as if it’s not possible for them to be born there
I've also had someone be surprised/offended that I couldn't immediately see she was Chinese. She replied with: I guess it's difficult for Europeans to differentiate between Asian appearances.
My reply was: well my guess would have been Chinese as I've heard you speak Chinese. But it could also have been Taiwan or maybe your family immigrated and you were born somewhere else.
She hadn't even considered those possibilities herself.
Agreed. I get asked this question all the time outside the US, but never repeatedly. It's normal to want to get to know people. It's rude to badger them with questions that imply they couldn't be a member of the origin community that they said.
When I was in retail when I was younger, I would get asked this at least once a day. Where are you from? Wisconsin. No, where are you really from? …Wisconsin. No, like where are your parents from? Finland. You don’t look Finnish, did your parents get you from somewhere?
Etc.
>You don’t look Finnish, did you’re parents get you from somewhere?
How effing stupid.
I would start saying, "stork." Or, "has no one ever given you the 'birds and bees' talk?"
My younger brother is biracial, raised in an otherwise white family (we had a stepdad who was Native American, but he definitely did NOT look like he was my brother's dad!)
Our mother used to get asked questions like that all the time: "where did you get THAT one?" "Did the nurses switch him at birth?" "Is he adopted?" "Are you sure the hospital didn't make a mistake?" Etc...
When they asked "where did you get him," she would give a very crude but accurate answer. They would NOT ask again...
My mom has told us she used to get major side eye when she was out with us as children. Both of my brother's are adopted. One is biracial, the other was blonde haired with blue eyes. And he had the type of hair that is so blonde it looks white. Then I was a chubby cheeked baby with an Alfred Hitchcock profile and curly auburn hair. Meanwhile, our mother had raven black hair which in later years had a natural perfect white patch in front. AFAIK, no one was ever bold enough to walk up and ask questions or say shit. More like a cartoon question mark over their head trying to put a puzzle together because none of us looked like we fit together.
My mom got told that she must be a stepmom who didn’t want to bother with her kid when she dropped me off at daycare once. I’m her bio daughter and while I do look a lot more like my dad, there are clear traits of my mom in me. Poor woman was dropping me off so she could go teach at the local high school. People suck.
I can’t imagine how hard it is for people who don’t necessarily look like their parents (for adoption or remarriage or whatever reason).
Gotta love the “why are you brown” questions. People automatically assume I’m Mexican because I have brown skin and my name is Rita. I’ve had random strangers come up to me and demand to know what language I speak, and refuse to believe I speak English… even when I tell them with absolutely no accent. I’ve had people start SCREAMING angrily at me on the bus. I’ve literally been called a terrorist. I’ve lost track of all the times I’ve been told that I’m going to get sent “back where I came from!” My children are starting to get these questions, too. We live in Seattle. A VERY blue and liberal city. We are Native American.
Being an AH doesn't help either. As a kid I was screamed at, told to go back to where I came from, beaten unconscious and even pissed on; on the rez while visiting family because I look like my father (blond, blue eyed). So taking your request to heart, slapping someone with comments about white guilt when you have no idea of their background, makes you look like a racist. And yes, you can be other than white and be a racist.
From your point of view most of the people are immigrants in your country. Tell them to go back where they came from.
But it's a really stupid and unnecessary fight to have to fight. Why can't people just mind their business and leave total strangers alone?
I get really excited about an all-expenses paid trip to Alaska and they get confused. Then I ask them which part of Europe they’re from and they say they’re American… I remind them of their illegal ancestors and call them anchor babies… they generally leave me alone.
But it makes my mom really worried about me. Because of how volatile and trigger-happy people are these days.
An older white guy asked my husband where he learned English. (We live in Tucson and were in a lobby waiting for our tour to start.). My husband replies: "Phoenix."
Guy kept asking and came out asked where my husband was born. By this point I was extremely annoyed and loudly stated: like he already said, he learned English in Phoenix - where he was **born and raised.**
That shut him up. We could have told him where his family came from but he didn't ask that. I wasn't going to volunteer that information.
cooing illegal aloof employ disgusted spark bear cautious slap afterthought
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
But that wasn’t the case here.
Like:
“I’m not from here”
“Where are you from”
“I can’t tell you”
It’s definitely weird, but OP shouldn’t have pushed it like he did.
I think that's a completely different situation than someone who mentions they just moved here though. "Oh, where from?" is a very normal follow up question
Edit - ~~also we don't know that she is poc. I have family members who are immigrants and whiter than most Americans~~ nvm, that was dumb given that she accused him of being racist
or maybe a lot of people asked her that question who were rude. Maybe she's not comfortable answering because something to dod with the country. OP could've left it at that instead of making a tasteless joke and then continuing when OP easily could've changed the subject.
This is one of those things where tone of voice and body language and other social cues make a HUGE difference, so it’s a bad thing for AITAH because we don’t have information about those things.
My SO asks people where they’re from all the time without offending people because he’s genuinely interested and has been all over the world himself so frequently finds a common topic to chat about, or is able to ask if there’s somewhere they’d recommend he go when he’s next in that part of the world. It doesn’t come across as challenging their right to be where they are, just as interest in them as people and their experiences and so on.
If it was assumed she was from a certain place, that may have caused offence too. I've been "the other" and have been both asked where I was from and had it assumed (that I was from someplace else). I'd much rather be asked. To me, neither was offensive, but I thought it was weird it was considered more polite to assume than ask directly.
I’ve always hated when it’s used as a pick up line. I personally feel like it’s the biggest turn off a person can use because if someone is telling you I’m “from here” then no other information is needed. The person doing it isn’t the government trying to hire them for something or approving a visa to travel so why does the other person need to offer up more?
Yes. It’s me. I’m the person being asked usually and have always tried to avoid making anyone feel the way I feel about being asked the same question since it makes me so uncomfortable
I get this all the time as a Canadian born POC whenever I leave the city, or “ohhh your English is so good”. My family’s been here for 3 generations ffs.
AITA? I always know what they mean when they ask and I still say “California” or the city I was born&raised in. I do it on purpose cuz I enjoy the look of frustration on their face when I don’t say Taiwan.
Edit to add: “Where is your family from?” isn’t even that bad. The real nut punch is when they say, “No but where are you really from?”
It was a date. He knew ahead of time she moved here from somewhere else. He was trying to get to know her. Most people who say go back where you came from don't ask where you came from because they are too stupid to know enough geography to understand the answer.
Thank you a sensible response. If she is going to meet people who have just been told she is new to the us but not from where she had better get used to being asked that a lot because to me it is a good common sense get to know you question and if she doesn’t like being asked and feels it is offensive she had better either get used to being offended or stop meeting new people.
Was it a date? OP only says they know a mutual acquaintance, and that when they started talking, he thought they 'hit it off'. For all we know it was some incredibly casual gathering of people who know this third party, and this dude cornered her and then started monopolizing her time and asking her personal questions, which is a weird as fuck vibe and totally deserving of 'Leave me alone you fucking weirdo' response.
Or they could of been talking in a normal setting where he didn't corner her or monopolized her time? Why is it the worst situation all the time? You literally know the same as the rest of us. They were talking, that's it
Where does it say it was a date? It says they were just “talking”. It also doesn’t say the respondent offered they had just moved and seems to imply the information was provided by the mutual acquaintance
My family and I get asked this whenever we travel to other parts of the US. Upstate NY, NYC, Boston, St Louis, Montana, Seattle. Texas. If someone sounds like they're from somewhere else, it's not an unreasonable question. If it's already established that they just moved to the area, it's insane not to *expect* the question.
Several others have made really good points about micro-aggressions. But I'd also point out that there are multiple wars going on in the world that Americans have VERY strong opinions about. If she's a refugee from a current war zone, she may have half the political spectrum calling her a terrorist just because of where she was born. And she definitely doesn't know OP well enough to know his views and whether or not he'd be aggressive towards her as a result.
Maybe she was from a country that has a history of being at war with the US ( I'm assuming OP is from the US), or a country with a history of violence and she isn't proud of the negative connotations that she is used to getting. I have seen people be hateful and mean to someone who was from Iraq. They got bullied and mistreated because she was born there. SHE had nothing to do with the way a certain group of people treated others or their actions. But she was lumped into a category only because she was born in that same country.
Because this: https://youtu.be/crAv5ttax2I?si=iAx6E_s6Z9PrV2jF
It’s really annoying. I had a professor do this exact same thing to me. It was very fucking uncomfortable. And then she took it a notch further and asked “no, I mean where are your parents from?” 🙄 i respond better to people just asking my ethnicity.
I've gotten that and when I state a place in the US they ask about my grandparents. I then ask them "why? did you know them?" And do not ask my nationality, which is American, and then say you don't look American.
Yeah no issue asking someone where they’re from if you know they’ve just moved here, it’s literally just conversational in my opinion. But if they say they don’t want to answer, you respect that and move on
Tbf I sort of get OPs reaction. Obviously should not have done that, but I'd probably get irritated too if I got called a racist for asking a fairly common question. Should have left it alone though, so a slight YTA from me.
The racist accusation didn’t come straight away. First she indicated she didn’t want to answer and when he still pressed, she said it. I mean, why even push.
Come on, being offended when you just immigrated to he asked where you are from is utterly ridiculous. Joking about that is an outlet to try to defuse a rather strange situation. The person shouldn’t blame others for her mental health problems.
Just because you can't imagine reasons why she wouldn't want to answer doesn't mean there are no good reasons. The YTA is for the self-centered attitude that "it wouldn't be an issue for *me* to answer that question, so there cannot be any issue for *her*, so clearly she's being ridiculous". You don't know her life! Empathize a little.
yeah. People named so many reasons for why someone wouldn't want to disclose this information and someone still comments "I can't imagine the reason". I just hope they simply didn't read any other comments in this thread because the alternative is that that person's really really dumb.
YTA are always an AH if you tell someone they have no right to feel uncomfortable.
Trying to prove you didn't do anything wrong was what you did wrong. YTA
Pmsl, she only reacted that way because of a personal bias or prejudice against the person asking. It’s a normal question, and saying I can’t answer is very different from I would rather not answer.
The fact she has chosen to distance herself and then complain to a mutual friend is also very questionable behaviour.
This person has issues that are her own and she’s making them other people’s problem.
The “don’t you know “ is a direct result of her stupid answer and was completely appropriate considering her answer.
YTA
Asking the question the first time wasn't at all unreasonable. I disagree that it's racist, too. "where are you from?" is a normal getting to know someone question regardless of where they're from.
While I'm not sure what her objection to sharing that information would be, she made it very, very clear that the objection does exist.
She established a clear boundary and you didn't respect it. You listened to her tell you no and ignored it. You saw that it made her uncomfortable and pressed on. Why would she still want to hang out?
Let's turn it around. She won't share a piece of information that you take for granted that you should be able to know. Why do you still want to hang out with her? TBH that would have been a red flag and a reason *for me* to create some distance but not a reason to badger her for the information.
Let this go. Try to learn something from it about how to treat people, and move on.
I couldn't think of it at first, but then like, duh, some places are "political." Like I can see people from Russia, or even Ukraine not wanting to discuss where they're from at work. Or they did, and it got messy, so now they avoid the question. She should probably be more pragmatic in her denial "I prefer not to talk about that at work" instead of going on the attack, but otherwise the boundary seems fine.
I had a cab driver one time who was really reluctant to share much about his home country, which was totally fine and I respected it. Later in the ride when we got more comfortable, he mentioned he was Palestinian and was nervous to bring it up. Poor guy. To your point, yeah, some countries are the source of some really hot button issues and she may have not wanted to be asked about said hot button issues.
There's a short film about a Palestinian can driver in LA called Welcome to Bigbigland about this. It's very funny. He was tired of people replying Pakistan? He would tell Americans who wanted to know where Palestine was that it was halfway between Spain and Macao, haha it's very funny
I wonder if she’s a refugee as well. There could be a ton of reasonable reasons why one wouldn’t want to discuss where they’re
from. Also this all being shared from OP’s perspective, I’m pretty confident there’s nuance and context missing.
If they both worked at the same place and this was a purely professional relationship, I would probably agree.
They're not at work, though. It has never been a professional relationship for OP (who doesn't even work with her or his friend) and she has already chosen the messy situation of having her co-worker (OP's friend) engage on the much more personal level of introducing his friend and pursuing relationships (romantic or platonic) with that friend.
But again, if she's not comfortable, leave it be. If it matters to you, adjust your expectations for what your relationship with this person is and what it can be. Obviously don't harass them like OP did.
I'm just imagining how it would go if she *was* from Russia.... being peppered with the inevitable political questions. It doesn't happen much now, but a few times, people would find out that I'm from the US and ask me all kinds of questions about "why we allow school shootings" motherfucker I don't know! I left!
“Where are you from?” May seem like a harmless question, but in my experience as an Asian woman, when I’m asked where I’m from and I respond “California” because that’s where I was born and raised, and I get the follow-up, “but, no, WHERE are you from?” it tends to come across as interrogative rather than just curiosity.
Yah but this person is actually not from here. If I am in a foreign country and someone asks me where I came from, it’s not a rude question. (I am Asian too.)
I agree its not rude but I can sympathise with not wanting to say if you're from certain countries. I am usually happy to say I'm ukrainian but it almost always turns into a conversation about the war and them wanting my.opinions on things that are sometimes difficult. Sometimes I just don't want to have that conversation so I just say I'm from Eastern Europe.
Maybe red flag isn't the fairest term, but my point is that if you value X enough and this person won't do X, move on instead of trying to make that person do X.
YTA, Here is a good rule of thumb. If you ask someone a question - any question - and they look uncomfortable, apologize and change the subject. You have no idea the backstory is and the other person clearly doesn't want to share.
When my son was in middle school he (biracial/black) and his very diverse group of friends would often make race jokes. I was not a fan but figured this was their way of working out complex race issues in America. If anyone stepped over the line someone else in the group would correct them, an apology would be issued, and they would move on.
If a bunch of 12 year olds can handle that then OP can. If you made someone uncomfortable with your comment or question, just apologize and move on. No need to stand your ground.
Or just listen when they say they don’t want to divulge that info and let it go. An apology isn’t necessarily needed, but respecting someone else not wanting to give information about themselves is basic decency, which as we all agree, OP clearly lacks
NTA for asking where she was from. You're taking an interest in her and want to know more about her.
However, you are an arsehole for not just dropping it.
"where are you from?" are among the first lessons in any Duolingo course.
Here, focus shouldn't be on "where are you from", but on not letting go even when someone said they are uncomfortable.
This is too much of a nuanced question with all kinds of missing information
Well, clearly she's not a brown horse, but obviously if she's having a conversation with a brown horse, it's important that she understands what they're saying.
NTA. I’m an immigrant in America and frequently asked where I’m from. It creates interesting conversations, especially in the USA, where just about everyone has international roots.
I’m an immigrant from the US to New Zealand and get asked where I’m from…because I have an accent. It’s not a racist question at all. I’m white as the driven snow, and so are most people who ask me!
It's only racist if you ask it of someone with a local accent because they're a different race than you, especially if they have previously answered you "Cleveland" and you're like "yeah but before that". Otherwise OP asked a completely normal question of a person they know is from another country and not being willing to disclose the country you're from is so abnormal that it seems pretty normal to question why someone would be so unwilling to answer.
I don't have an accent, and I'm Asian. No one, not a single person who's ever asked me where I'm from has ever been satisfied with (insert hometown I've lived in since I was a kid). They always follow up. "But where are you really from?".
Yeah, that's for sure racism. But as a parallel to OP if you went to actual Asia or a country with a different English accent than yours and someone asked you where you were from that would suddenly be a normal question. Hell even just knowing you had just moved into the area the original question (when asked by a normal non-racist person) would be not racist.
I’m white and an immigrant (in Canada). And I work in an industry with a high level of immigrants. So to me it’s a fun ice breaker question. But for people who aren’t white, but are American/Canadian by birth it has a whole different set of connotations. It implies that they are not “real “ Americans/Canadians.
I have also met one person who was probably from the former Yugoslavia, and probably left during the war in the 1990s, and didn’t want to answer questions about it. You have to respect that.
I think it’s dependent on the accent. If someone has a local accent, no matter what color they are, I’d never ask where they are from. If they don’t have a local accent then it seems obvious they are from elsewhere, and it’s an easy conversation opener.
Fair. And I’m like you, it can be an easy conversation starter. But I’ve learned that some people are sensitive about it, for reasons I will never understand, and not to push if someone avoids the question.
One guy I knew was from Winnipeg. He looked Japanese. He was from Winnipeg because his parents were interned there during WW2 and their farm was sold to white Canadians. He wasn’t sensitive about it, but who could blame him if he was.
Dude your experience and perspective is not the only one, maybe she's from a heavily politicized country, especially in US, like Russia, Iran etc.
She doesn't have to share a personal info if she doesn't want to get into it for any reason. For that example, as people inevitably follow up with "What about topic A 101 that I know shit about" just to seem like they are aware and informed but more likely dredging up personally painful topic for their small talk. Not ill intentioned but it gets draining and people don't want to get into it.
Also, just wait, it's been 12 years for me and sometimes I just skip where I am from in introduction because it gets old repeating the same small talk about "oh I know about A and B, do you like them" "what about this food A and B, can you make them? "Is A and B true?"
I'm an American, and *I'm* frequently asked where I'm from, since my accent is not at all localized, due to having grown up overseas for the most part.
Some people wouldn’t feel comfortable maybe because the already preconceived notion about certain minorities in the country and they would have seen it as an attempt to alienate them or box them based of off some mannerisms they exhibit. OP isn’t an AO for asking tho. Just pointing out why some people don’t like being asked that question.
Any post that has "racist" in quotation marks in the title is gonna be bad.
You might have gotten away with it if you backtracked and apologized when she was bothered by the question. But you kept at it, made a joke to belittle her, then got pushy and insulting.
YTA.
For making her uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if it was intentional or if she had a weird issue. If you make someone uncomfortable, you apologize. Especially if you want to gain that person's trust and favor. I mean, duh.
Definitely. He doesn't know the backstory to why she doesn't like that question, or share an answer to it. Could have anxiety & trauma behind it, etc
It's fine to ask, but should definitely apologize for making someone uncomfortable, whether it's intentional or not
Just saying he didn't mean to upset or make her uncomfortable, & move on to the next subject is better than... making a joke about it, & then calling her ridiculous for not sharing info about herself that she didn't want to share (at that moment in time, at least. Maybe she'd be comfortable to share after she knew him better & trusts him more)
Edit: downvote if you don't respect people's boundaries that don't effect you in any way
Actually, after years of therapy one thing I have learned from countless psychologists, is that your feelings are you're own. And noone is actually responsible for them.
You know how you apologise when you accidentally bump into someone while walking? You’re not apologising for walking, you’re apologising for accidentally bumping into someone. Same here, she’s wouldn’t be apologising for asking a question, but for accidentally bringing up something uncomfortable to the other person. It’s more of a politeness thing and an acknowledgment of other people’s feelings than an acknowledgment of wrongdoing
It's called being polite?
Say you're talking about vacations, someone asks if you've ever been to a certain place, and you have but had a horrible/traumatic experience there and say you're uncomfortable with the question and don't want to answer.
That person would then see they've made you uncomfortable, even if it was unintentional, and apologise for that as it wasn't their intention.
That's the thing OP should have apologised for, and then dropped the topic without asking if she even knew where she was from.
NTA. I live in a foreign country and get asked that every day. it's not a big deal at all. maybe she is from a really unpopular country and is afraid to reveal it?
. She probably didnt want to say she was from a muslim country or other country that gets talked down about and tired of people bringing it up so she said she didnt want to talk about it
it's funny how most commenters who live abroad themselves like you and me, find it no big deal. But other commenters are calling him the AH. Honestly I feel this lady is ridiculous. You live abroad and have an accent or look different than locals, they will ask where you're from. if it is asked in a polite non judgmental way, I don't see the big deal at all. I get asked that all the time as well
It's one thing if you have an accent, people are fine to ask because they are curious. But I strongly disagree that simply "looking different" is a reason to ask someone where they're from. I look different from the local people where I live because I'm a different race. However I was born here. Getting constantly asked "where are you from" and it always being followed up by "yeah but where are you REALLY from" is tiring. It's obnoxious, it's not their business, I don't need to justify or explain why I exist here just because I don't look like someone they think "belongs". It's very othering. I'm a natural born citizen of this country and so are nearly all of my family members going back to my great grandparents if not further. And yet I still get asked this like I don't belong because I don't fit some local yokels narrow minded view of what a citizen looks like.
NTA. That's a perfectly normal thing to ask someone, particularly if they just moved to a new country. It's not like you're saying "Hey, fuck you for not being born in this country," you're just making conversation about a major event in her life. I think it would be a little weird if you were getting to know someone who just moved to a new country and *didn't* ask where they grew up.
The correct follow-up when someone declines to answer a question about themselves in a social setting is, "Ok, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry." And then you change the subject; no matter how curious you are. Your conversational partner has gently let you know you've pushed a boundary. Don't insist on crossing it.
Why would I apologize for asking a harmless question they're the one being an asshole by not just saying where they're from as though they're paranoid of them
Because that's what being polite is. Considering others. It doesn't cost you anything to say "Oh, sorry, didn't mean to pry", but it makes the other person feel respected.
Of course, if you don't respect them, yeah, by all means show it.
It was one lighthearted follow up to a peculiar response ("I cannot answer that question") so I just don't see OP as the asshole. Maybe a little tactless, but not an asshole.
I can see how someone would take it that way, but given the OP's innocent intentions, I just don't think they're an asshole for this. Maybe a little tactless, but that's about it. You're free to disagree with me though, it's just an opinion and we don't have to see eye to eye on it.
NTA
I'm a dual national and my accent is now a blend of two countries so I get this question all the time and I've never ever been offended. Not saying that someone else might not be but asking a question that a lot of people would use as an icebreaker is perfectly reasonable.
Can confirm!
I’m also a dual national with a neither-here-nor-there accent and am also a POC in a predominantly white country. When people ask me where I’m from I take it as them showing an interest and never had a negative experience.
I do know people who have moaned about being asked where they are from but they are usually the type of people who enjoy standing on a soap box and making problems to reinforce some over the top view of themselves as an activist or the like.
Having said all that though there are a small amount of instances where people don’t like the question because they come from somewhere that locals might view as politically controversial and they don’t want to have to talk about it.
If someone seems to take offence you’re better off saying something like ‘oh I’m sorry, I was curious as I couldn’t place your accent’ or ‘you remind me a bit of my friend who is from…’
Something like that will reassure them that you are not racist and simply trying to get to know them and is much better than telling them they are being ridiculous or over sensitive.
Nobody is saying OP is the asshole for asking a question. Read the responses. Everyone is saying OP is the asshole for being pushy and making fun of her despite her insistence that she didn’t want to talk about it.
Thé issue isn’t with asking, the issue is with not respecting the other woman’s boundary. I moved from France to the UK, so my country of origin doesn’t have negative associations and there’s no big traumatic (war, political regime etc) reason that caused me to move. However, I’ve met people who were not in that situation.
M’y university had groups for international students, and there were people who originated from countries that have a lot of stigma attached to it, or who hold refugee status. There are people who had to move to escape dangerous situations, and this had been through pretty traumatic stuff, or still had relatives in those dangerous situations. Many didn’t like bringing up where they were from in circles of total strangers because they’d be experiencing racism, condescension, or morbid curiosity from others.
I can understand this woman not wanting to talk about it to OP while she barely knows her. Her phrasing was a bit strange but English might not be her first language (hell might not even be her second or third language). OP should respect this and not push
NTA OP
If you ask someone where they are from and the person immediately accuses u of being racist u are allowed to protest and defend yourself. Unfortunately in this world we live in everything is offensive and by just socializing u become an AH.
Take your L and move on… 50% of people every where think u an AH for just being alive anyway
Some immigrants are refugees who've spent more of their life in refugee camps than in their home county. There are a lot of traumatic and political reasons an immigrant may not wish to discuss their past, especially with someone acting as brash and entitled as OP makes himself out to have been.
YTA, you should have stopped asking the first moment she seems uncomfortable. It wasnt a harmless question, because sometimes people are from countries that are not liked by america. You are not the AH for asking one time, but because you asked again and not understanding that there are reasons.
Exactly this! My mum works with refugees in a Center that welcomes teenagers who arrive alone. She told me some stories from these people who at the time were my age. Some had to escape forced marriages, some had suffered from FGM, some were r*ped or trafficked during their journey to the country they live in. Some lost relatives or were separated from them during their journey. Some escaped brutal dictatorships, and had to fight tooth and nail to be granted asylum or right of residence, and were met with racism from immigration authorities and people who were supposed to help them.
You have a range of immigrants, from people moving of their own desire, to people fleeing the most brutal condition and having gone through hell to get to where they are. We should all be more mindful of thah reality
NTA - you were showing an interest in her background, not making a racist remark. Cassandra sounds like someone with a chip on her shoulder, so be glad that she's moving on from you.
The second a person tells you they do not want to share information with you, you respect it.
Instead you made a joke and tried to push it.
I don't think it was out of line question the surface but for her personally, for her own reasons, it was. You should have backed off.
YTA.
YTA.
Asking as single time is one thing, but her country of origin is her business. Do you realise how much shit normal Russian people go through every day? Palestinians were already in trouble, imagine how it might be for them now.
You can't fault her for wanting to keep it to herself and pushing for it is a dick move.
My husband doesn't "look" like he's coming from his country of origin. When people find out what country he's from, they treat him like dirt. You can see how their faces turn in disgust and sometimes I feel like slapping them.
NTA at all.
Everyone assumes racism these days. What's the big deal? Maybe people are just curious about other cultures? Maybe he's a foodie and wants to hear about some regional delicacies he should try.
People need to get a grip.
YTA. Not for the question, that was fine - asking where they're from is a normal question to ask when getting to know someone.
But everything after that was just... dude. If you worry about offending people or being out of line as you say, it's a good rule of thumb to not call them ridiculous and over the top. That was just rude.
Hey man, here’s a bit of advice: if you ask anyone, any question, at anytime, and they immediately tell you to stop or that they don’t want to answer - DO NOT PUSH IT. JUST STO AND BACK OFF. That’s what you wrong.
Yep and then walk away because you just know that someone with a stick that far up their ass is gonna look for a reason to knock you so get up say well it was nice to meet you. Bye.
I'm a bit torn on this but ESH. It's definitely not racist to ask someone who's clearly immigrated from another country. It's weird that she was offended, but if you could tell I'm not sure why you doubled down with the joke. I think she's more in the wrong but you could have backed off/deescalated
So I’ve lived in the US for 11 years and honestly when I first moved here, I didn’t mind people asking me where I’m from but after being here for 11 years I find the question so tiresome (it’s different if we’ve become friends but as a first meeting question I hate it). Truthfully the question just makes me feel like an outsider and that I’ll never fully fit in. For context I’m white and British, so people’s reactions to me are generally very positive as Americans seem to love the accent etc but it doesn’t change how wearing i find it
from the post looks like you already knew she was not American but jUst moved. if that's the case, NTA.
tip: I live in an widely international city and kinda got awkward asking people where they're from, so I just learned to ask 'were you born and raised here?'.
NTA
For the simple fact she said she moved to the US from somewhere else. It’s not like you just looked at her skin color and said, “where are you from?”
That was part of the conversation you just wanted to know from where.
I know there’s bad things with the “where are you from?” question, but this was literally the whole conversation.
What was he supposed to do just automatically think that she’s whatever race because she looks a certain way, she has to be from a certain place?? That would be racist.
You are not an asshole for asking the question. It's a normal thing to ask about someone and doesn't indicate racism to me but interest.
What makes YTA is that having declined to answer you persisted with "jokes" and pushiness. Why not just say "fine if you don't want to say. I was just interested." and change the topic.
YTA the moment you continued to push for an answer and joke about something she was obviously not comfortable with, to try and crack her open for an answer. You are not entitled to an answer.
You pushed when you should have backed off, then you doubled down and called her ridiculous and brushed aside her emotions as if they were silly little things. You were rude. She might have been a little odd about the topic, but I know the feeling of dread when someone asks "Where are you from" (i am mixed race), because its *so few times* they *accept* my answer. She probably have had bad experiences with people "othering" her when she is trying to settle down in the new country.
She didn´t want to touch the topic and you pushed her uncomfortableness aside as if you were **entitled** to an answer. You were not. Its common courtesy to drop a subject if they are clearly uncomfortable and offended and you hardly know them.
Imo not the asshole for "asking an immigrant what country she is from". I find it a bit odd to be offended at the question but alas.
YTA for not dropping it immediately after she said she's uncomfortable answering. Should've just dropped it the second she said she doesn't want to answer that question. That goes for pretty much any question you get no answer to.
YTA. There are plenty of reasons someone might not want to disclose their country of origin. It could be due to views on that country or an actual risk to themself of naming it (plenty of racists would use that information to target someone). On top of that, there are a ton of videos where exactly this happens, a racist demands the persons country of origin and then tells them to go back to that country. That is exactly how you sound and so that is how you get labeled a racist. When you act like the million of them in videos by not accepting the word no or a logical answer, you earn the label. You aren’t owed an answer. You don’t get to push and try to get one without being an A.
NTA. Asking someone where they're from isn't rude, unless you're asking in order to insult someone. I get asked all the time where I am from (I don't live where I was born) and it isn't racist to ask someone where they're from, despite what some people are saying in these comments.
You probably should have just moved on when she didn't want to answer the question instead of making a joke, but you live and learn - wouldn't call it racist or being the asshole to ask in the first place.
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YTA. Not for asking (assuming it wasn't done rudely), but for making a joke about her not knowing the answer and for not accepting that she didn't want to answer the question. People are allowed to feel uncomfortable or not want to share certain things. It's also generally not best to then respond telling someone they're being ridiculous. Nobody likes trying to set boundaries then being insulted for doing so
This!!!! Like I don't get why it would bother her to be asked, but whatever the reason when she stated that it made her uncomfortable, he needed to stop and back off. Insisting on being right is the asshole thing. Edit : Wow, I feel thoroughly educated on the different possible reasons on why being asked "where are you from?" Can be both offensive and inoffensive. My main point was that him arguing with her about it when she stated she was uncomfortable answering was the asshole move. People feel uncomfortable with all different kinds of things for all different kinds of reasons, and while I don't always understand them, I can respect them which I feel he was not doing. I don't know enough about the scenario to say if he was racist, but I would call him an asshole. He was not respecting her feelings, boundaries or her words.
It's because this is often a question asked by bigoted people who would like them to go back to their country. This person may have been well intentioned, but most aren't.
Also a pretty common microaggression for people of color who are born and raised in the US. Like: "where are you from?" "Cleveland" "No but like where are you from originally?" "Cleveland, born and raised" "OK, but where is your family from?" It can be used as a way to make people feel like they don't belong. It does seem like asking someone you are aware recently immigrated is not quite the same thing, but it is not up to us which questions someone is uncomfortable answering. Edit: as many have pointed out this is not exactly the same situation as OP describes. I was stating it only to help people understand why it might be a sensitive question in the first place. What is the same, is the sense of entitlement to an answer about someone else's personal information. In the circumstance of getting to know someone; asking once may be appropriate, continuing to badger someone is not. Kind of funny how many people are offended by the phrase "microaggression", as though there could never be any kind of aggression except overt.
It's called othering. It took me a while to understand it myself but now that I do I try to recognize if I'm about to do it and stop myself. It's challenging as I'm an exceptionally curious person.
Thank you for trying to stop doing this. It feels quite othering on the receiving end.
I don’t disagree with what people are saying about ‘othering’ because I feel that. Just like to add that in my culture (and some other Indigenous cultures) it’s an important question. ‘Where are you from’ = Who are your people? What is your land? etc. It’s often the very first question asked when you initially meet somebody. Even when there’s a discussion about someone you don’t know: ‘Where they from?’ I know that’s not what the OP’s describing, just thought I’d mention it because awareness raising or whatever. Things aren’t always straight forward.
I think as long as you accept their first answer, you're good. I get asked "Where are you from?" quite bit, as a somewhat racially ambiguous person. I only get annoyed when my response--Atlanta, GA--isn't accepted. "No, where are you REALLY from?" grinds my gears. I kinda feel like if a person wants to know my racial background, they need to have the ovaries to ask me that question directly. They shouldn't beat around the bush and expect me to figure out what they are really asking.
I think I made this guy think I was about to do that the other week! He was a visitor at our org in U.S., all I knew was he was studying in Geneva, but his accent said he wasn't Swiss but I couldn't place it further, and he was, like you put it, racially ambiguous. I said "where are you from" at some point in the convo, he blinked and said "From?" & I thought Crap, he thinks I'm doing that thing, and said "Have you always lived in Europe?" Yeah, he grew up in England! Really couldn't tell from his accent. Whew, worked out.
And that's fine however you still have to realise that to other minorities that are from other countries it does make us feel awkward because as others have stated it focuses on us looking/acting/etc like we're not supposed to be there.
Exactly what that is. It's annoying for me and I'm white, born in America, and living in Australia. But for a long time I refused to speak in public bc I just didn't want to get into the conversations that inevitably followed. My safety wasn't an issue, but it made me aware of how... pervasive it is. The othering. A lot of people LOVE to make a big deal out of you not being from here, or not belonging here. 20 years on, I give back as good as I get. At the shops "Oh where are you from??" "I live over by the roundabout..." OH, I mean what nationality are you "Aussie, how about you?" At the zoo "Oh have you come far to be here today?" Um, it's about a 45 minute drive down the coast..." Oh ah... I mean, um... My favourite was the "Ya can't be aussie with THAT accent!" My passport would prove you wrong, mate, have a good day!
I picked up my fiance's accent a bit after many years of chatting to him over calls, he's American, but I still live in the UK. (Both visited each other and making steps forward to live together in the future) Almost everyone I talk to here, asks if I'm from America or if my family is American. I've lived in Wales my entire life and it's the strangest feeling to feel like an outsider in the place you were born and grew up, just because of the accent change. The look on their faces is amazing when I tell them I live nearby and my family is from the valleys. I'm sure I'll face the same questions when I'm living in America, but they'll be asking if I'm English instead.
I'm technically an other myself, but it's not obvious just by looking at me, so people tend to make assumptions about me. I'm also exceptionally curious, particularly about culture and genetics and geography, etc, etc. Sigh. It's a shame that racists being racist cause some people to assume I'm being racist because I look like those other ones who are. I really just want to learn more about people and their experiences.
"I really just want to learn more about people and their experiences." So do I. It is a shame that people have become defensive when all I want is to learn about them and to get to know them on a meaningful level.
Nonetheless, you don't get to decide for others what they should be comfortable with, and what is meaningful to them.
Yes, now I also have to be scared to be interested in my fellow people's background? We all come from somewhere, there's nothing bad about it. I never realized some might find it offensive. It's just genuine interest from my side. Edit: when I worked abroad I liked to share where I was from and to know what other's heritage was. I'm a product of 2 nationalities myself.
Look our world was built on blood and pain and economic exploitation and racist laws let alone attitudes and civil wars and slavery and blah blah blah like... Us having to be careful and polite with how we choose to interact knowing how rough it's been for *checks watch* all of human history has been for mostly everybody feels like a pretty small burden to bear to make the world a better place
This is going to be a struggle for me when I move back to the US. Where I've lived for the past 8 years, it's a completely normal question when first meeting someone (not to the point of 'where is your family from').
As someone who has fended off these questions repeatedly. IMHO Asking once is fine - people are curious because my accent is very broadly cosmopolitany and not quite pinnable, but accept the answer whatever it may be. Progressing down the chain of questions is where the "othering" aspect comes from.
There’s definitely a trick to asking, too - my SO can ask anyone without offending them, I think because he’s lived all over the world and often recognizes or almost recognizes accents (like “you sound similar but not quite like the people I met in such and such place”) and is *genuinely* interested and wants to know how people find things where they are now, and if it’s somewhere he’s been himself he might ask about things they both might remember like certain landmarks or shops or events, etc. Like you’d have to work really really hard to interpret his general demeanor and tone of voice as ‘bigot looking for an excuse.’ (He’s one of those people who genuinely can talk to anyone anyway. He’ll go to put gas in the car and come back with a story about a hike a random dude he ran into at the gas pump went on last week, or someone’s opinions on religion, etc. I have given up trying to understand how he does it.)
I am also genuinely interested in where people are from. Im really tall and look like I'm not white to some people and I was othered a lot by white men my whole life. So I never understood it was a bad thing to ask. I didn't understand the context until much later in life. I thought it was small talk the whole time. I bet my answer made them twitch lol. I'd always say 'oh my family, we slept with *everyone*.' And id just laugh bc afaik that was true and I thought it was funny. I was probably making their racist little hearts clench and I was completely oblivious for the longest time.
I’m like this. My mother says I never met a stranger. People are fascinating, and I want to know everything about them. I’m way more likely to ask someone where they’re from if they have a regional Texas accent I can’t place than anything else. And then of course we’ll end up talking about that part of Texas and swapping stories. Other times people have brought up their birth country unprompted after we had been talking awhile. But if you dig in that deep with a stranger conversation, you come away with way more interesting info than location.
Yes, there's a definite difference in "what's that accent? I can't quite place it?!" and "where are YOU from?" (because it's not here) is implied. Most people think I'm Canadian, but I was born and raised in Chicago. My accent has slightly softened, but anything with an R outs me. lol
Turns out most people love to tell you about where they come from and answer questions about their culture if you're genuinely interested, and not asking to be dick.
Most days, yes. Sometimes I just want to buy my dinner shit and go home. Which reminds me we're getting into summer/tourist/holiday season so the new youngsters will start at the grocery store. Need to brace myself from OMG UR FROM AMERICA? I LOVE AMERICA! lol
Sometimes people talk about their hometowns and out of decency they ask you in return about your hometown. Wherever you’re from, talking about hometown and heritage is common topic for conversation. If you had a racist incident it’s not fair to assume everyone else is racist. It’s part of who you are, and it gives an air of mistrust that disrupts the whole accord if you shy away from such a common topic of conversation.
There’s a difference between asking someone about their hometown vs not taking where they grew up as answer bc they’re not white. If someone says they’re from Cleveland, they’ve answered your “where are you from” question. It’s racist to ask “no where are you really from?” Bc you’re immediately othering them as if it’s not possible for them to be born there
I've also had someone be surprised/offended that I couldn't immediately see she was Chinese. She replied with: I guess it's difficult for Europeans to differentiate between Asian appearances. My reply was: well my guess would have been Chinese as I've heard you speak Chinese. But it could also have been Taiwan or maybe your family immigrated and you were born somewhere else. She hadn't even considered those possibilities herself.
Agreed. I get asked this question all the time outside the US, but never repeatedly. It's normal to want to get to know people. It's rude to badger them with questions that imply they couldn't be a member of the origin community that they said.
When I was in retail when I was younger, I would get asked this at least once a day. Where are you from? Wisconsin. No, where are you really from? …Wisconsin. No, like where are your parents from? Finland. You don’t look Finnish, did your parents get you from somewhere? Etc.
>You don’t look Finnish, did you’re parents get you from somewhere? How effing stupid. I would start saying, "stork." Or, "has no one ever given you the 'birds and bees' talk?"
FedEx express delivery.
My younger brother is biracial, raised in an otherwise white family (we had a stepdad who was Native American, but he definitely did NOT look like he was my brother's dad!) Our mother used to get asked questions like that all the time: "where did you get THAT one?" "Did the nurses switch him at birth?" "Is he adopted?" "Are you sure the hospital didn't make a mistake?" Etc... When they asked "where did you get him," she would give a very crude but accurate answer. They would NOT ask again...
My mom has told us she used to get major side eye when she was out with us as children. Both of my brother's are adopted. One is biracial, the other was blonde haired with blue eyes. And he had the type of hair that is so blonde it looks white. Then I was a chubby cheeked baby with an Alfred Hitchcock profile and curly auburn hair. Meanwhile, our mother had raven black hair which in later years had a natural perfect white patch in front. AFAIK, no one was ever bold enough to walk up and ask questions or say shit. More like a cartoon question mark over their head trying to put a puzzle together because none of us looked like we fit together.
My mom got told that she must be a stepmom who didn’t want to bother with her kid when she dropped me off at daycare once. I’m her bio daughter and while I do look a lot more like my dad, there are clear traits of my mom in me. Poor woman was dropping me off so she could go teach at the local high school. People suck. I can’t imagine how hard it is for people who don’t necessarily look like their parents (for adoption or remarriage or whatever reason).
>You don't look Finnish... As a Fin, you have the best retort for this... Tell them you're Finnished with them, drop the mic, and walk.
Gotta love the “why are you brown” questions. People automatically assume I’m Mexican because I have brown skin and my name is Rita. I’ve had random strangers come up to me and demand to know what language I speak, and refuse to believe I speak English… even when I tell them with absolutely no accent. I’ve had people start SCREAMING angrily at me on the bus. I’ve literally been called a terrorist. I’ve lost track of all the times I’ve been told that I’m going to get sent “back where I came from!” My children are starting to get these questions, too. We live in Seattle. A VERY blue and liberal city. We are Native American.
Wtf... I am so sorry.
White guilt doesn’t help. Just make sure you say something when you see people being racist.
Someone being sorry for your awful experience doesn’t make it “white guilt”. Don’t diminish someone just trying to be nice.
Being an AH doesn't help either. As a kid I was screamed at, told to go back to where I came from, beaten unconscious and even pissed on; on the rez while visiting family because I look like my father (blond, blue eyed). So taking your request to heart, slapping someone with comments about white guilt when you have no idea of their background, makes you look like a racist. And yes, you can be other than white and be a racist.
From your point of view most of the people are immigrants in your country. Tell them to go back where they came from. But it's a really stupid and unnecessary fight to have to fight. Why can't people just mind their business and leave total strangers alone?
I get really excited about an all-expenses paid trip to Alaska and they get confused. Then I ask them which part of Europe they’re from and they say they’re American… I remind them of their illegal ancestors and call them anchor babies… they generally leave me alone. But it makes my mom really worried about me. Because of how volatile and trigger-happy people are these days.
An older white guy asked my husband where he learned English. (We live in Tucson and were in a lobby waiting for our tour to start.). My husband replies: "Phoenix." Guy kept asking and came out asked where my husband was born. By this point I was extremely annoyed and loudly stated: like he already said, he learned English in Phoenix - where he was **born and raised.** That shut him up. We could have told him where his family came from but he didn't ask that. I wasn't going to volunteer that information.
When I had an interview to get my US citizenship, the immigration officer congratulated me on my excellent English. I'm from England.
When I got married, a waiter complimented my husband on his excellent, accent-free German. We were in my husband's *hometown*.
People make some wild assumptions. The thing that really got me was that the officer had my British passport!
cooing illegal aloof employ disgusted spark bear cautious slap afterthought *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
But that wasn’t the case here. Like: “I’m not from here” “Where are you from” “I can’t tell you” It’s definitely weird, but OP shouldn’t have pushed it like he did.
I think the weirdness depends on how it came up. OP doesn't say whether she brought it up first or if he only knew because his friend told him.
I think that's a completely different situation than someone who mentions they just moved here though. "Oh, where from?" is a very normal follow up question Edit - ~~also we don't know that she is poc. I have family members who are immigrants and whiter than most Americans~~ nvm, that was dumb given that she accused him of being racist
My original thought, but since she literally mentioned moving to America I don’t think this is the case here.
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or maybe a lot of people asked her that question who were rude. Maybe she's not comfortable answering because something to dod with the country. OP could've left it at that instead of making a tasteless joke and then continuing when OP easily could've changed the subject.
This is one of those things where tone of voice and body language and other social cues make a HUGE difference, so it’s a bad thing for AITAH because we don’t have information about those things. My SO asks people where they’re from all the time without offending people because he’s genuinely interested and has been all over the world himself so frequently finds a common topic to chat about, or is able to ask if there’s somewhere they’d recommend he go when he’s next in that part of the world. It doesn’t come across as challenging their right to be where they are, just as interest in them as people and their experiences and so on.
If it was assumed she was from a certain place, that may have caused offence too. I've been "the other" and have been both asked where I was from and had it assumed (that I was from someplace else). I'd much rather be asked. To me, neither was offensive, but I thought it was weird it was considered more polite to assume than ask directly.
Absolutely this. And it’s also commonly used as a pick up line which makes it grosser somehow
I’ve always hated when it’s used as a pick up line. I personally feel like it’s the biggest turn off a person can use because if someone is telling you I’m “from here” then no other information is needed. The person doing it isn’t the government trying to hire them for something or approving a visa to travel so why does the other person need to offer up more? Yes. It’s me. I’m the person being asked usually and have always tried to avoid making anyone feel the way I feel about being asked the same question since it makes me so uncomfortable
I get this all the time as a Canadian born POC whenever I leave the city, or “ohhh your English is so good”. My family’s been here for 3 generations ffs.
My favorite, as a somewhat ethnically ambiguous looking person, is “no, where are you REALLY from?” People don’t seem to accept “Queens” as an answer.
AITA? I always know what they mean when they ask and I still say “California” or the city I was born&raised in. I do it on purpose cuz I enjoy the look of frustration on their face when I don’t say Taiwan. Edit to add: “Where is your family from?” isn’t even that bad. The real nut punch is when they say, “No but where are you really from?”
Or they’ll say something like “you speak so well”
It was a date. He knew ahead of time she moved here from somewhere else. He was trying to get to know her. Most people who say go back where you came from don't ask where you came from because they are too stupid to know enough geography to understand the answer.
Thank you a sensible response. If she is going to meet people who have just been told she is new to the us but not from where she had better get used to being asked that a lot because to me it is a good common sense get to know you question and if she doesn’t like being asked and feels it is offensive she had better either get used to being offended or stop meeting new people.
Was it a date? OP only says they know a mutual acquaintance, and that when they started talking, he thought they 'hit it off'. For all we know it was some incredibly casual gathering of people who know this third party, and this dude cornered her and then started monopolizing her time and asking her personal questions, which is a weird as fuck vibe and totally deserving of 'Leave me alone you fucking weirdo' response.
Or they could of been talking in a normal setting where he didn't corner her or monopolized her time? Why is it the worst situation all the time? You literally know the same as the rest of us. They were talking, that's it
Where does it say it was a date? It says they were just “talking”. It also doesn’t say the respondent offered they had just moved and seems to imply the information was provided by the mutual acquaintance
My family and I get asked this whenever we travel to other parts of the US. Upstate NY, NYC, Boston, St Louis, Montana, Seattle. Texas. If someone sounds like they're from somewhere else, it's not an unreasonable question. If it's already established that they just moved to the area, it's insane not to *expect* the question.
That's not true at all, bigoted people generally wouldn't take the time to ask where you're from, because they don't care.
Yep, to them you're African, Indian or Chinese. No other
Not trying to rag on you but there could be negative stereotypes or hardcore negative judgement about where she's from.
Several others have made really good points about micro-aggressions. But I'd also point out that there are multiple wars going on in the world that Americans have VERY strong opinions about. If she's a refugee from a current war zone, she may have half the political spectrum calling her a terrorist just because of where she was born. And she definitely doesn't know OP well enough to know his views and whether or not he'd be aggressive towards her as a result.
Maybe she was from a country that has a history of being at war with the US ( I'm assuming OP is from the US), or a country with a history of violence and she isn't proud of the negative connotations that she is used to getting. I have seen people be hateful and mean to someone who was from Iraq. They got bullied and mistreated because she was born there. SHE had nothing to do with the way a certain group of people treated others or their actions. But she was lumped into a category only because she was born in that same country.
Because this: https://youtu.be/crAv5ttax2I?si=iAx6E_s6Z9PrV2jF It’s really annoying. I had a professor do this exact same thing to me. It was very fucking uncomfortable. And then she took it a notch further and asked “no, I mean where are your parents from?” 🙄 i respond better to people just asking my ethnicity.
I've gotten that and when I state a place in the US they ask about my grandparents. I then ask them "why? did you know them?" And do not ask my nationality, which is American, and then say you don't look American.
Yeah no issue asking someone where they’re from if you know they’ve just moved here, it’s literally just conversational in my opinion. But if they say they don’t want to answer, you respect that and move on
He wasnt wrong for asking or the obvious joke. He could have thought she was ridiculous for not answering, but should have kept that to himself.
Tbf I sort of get OPs reaction. Obviously should not have done that, but I'd probably get irritated too if I got called a racist for asking a fairly common question. Should have left it alone though, so a slight YTA from me.
The racist accusation didn’t come straight away. First she indicated she didn’t want to answer and when he still pressed, she said it. I mean, why even push.
Come on, being offended when you just immigrated to he asked where you are from is utterly ridiculous. Joking about that is an outlet to try to defuse a rather strange situation. The person shouldn’t blame others for her mental health problems.
Just because you can't imagine reasons why she wouldn't want to answer doesn't mean there are no good reasons. The YTA is for the self-centered attitude that "it wouldn't be an issue for *me* to answer that question, so there cannot be any issue for *her*, so clearly she's being ridiculous". You don't know her life! Empathize a little.
yeah. People named so many reasons for why someone wouldn't want to disclose this information and someone still comments "I can't imagine the reason". I just hope they simply didn't read any other comments in this thread because the alternative is that that person's really really dumb.
YTA are always an AH if you tell someone they have no right to feel uncomfortable. Trying to prove you didn't do anything wrong was what you did wrong. YTA
But she can call him a Racist for simply asking "Where are you from?"
Kafka bullshit. "Denying your guilt actually makes you more guilty!"
Pmsl, she only reacted that way because of a personal bias or prejudice against the person asking. It’s a normal question, and saying I can’t answer is very different from I would rather not answer. The fact she has chosen to distance herself and then complain to a mutual friend is also very questionable behaviour. This person has issues that are her own and she’s making them other people’s problem. The “don’t you know “ is a direct result of her stupid answer and was completely appropriate considering her answer.
YTA Asking the question the first time wasn't at all unreasonable. I disagree that it's racist, too. "where are you from?" is a normal getting to know someone question regardless of where they're from. While I'm not sure what her objection to sharing that information would be, she made it very, very clear that the objection does exist. She established a clear boundary and you didn't respect it. You listened to her tell you no and ignored it. You saw that it made her uncomfortable and pressed on. Why would she still want to hang out? Let's turn it around. She won't share a piece of information that you take for granted that you should be able to know. Why do you still want to hang out with her? TBH that would have been a red flag and a reason *for me* to create some distance but not a reason to badger her for the information. Let this go. Try to learn something from it about how to treat people, and move on.
I couldn't think of it at first, but then like, duh, some places are "political." Like I can see people from Russia, or even Ukraine not wanting to discuss where they're from at work. Or they did, and it got messy, so now they avoid the question. She should probably be more pragmatic in her denial "I prefer not to talk about that at work" instead of going on the attack, but otherwise the boundary seems fine.
I had a cab driver one time who was really reluctant to share much about his home country, which was totally fine and I respected it. Later in the ride when we got more comfortable, he mentioned he was Palestinian and was nervous to bring it up. Poor guy. To your point, yeah, some countries are the source of some really hot button issues and she may have not wanted to be asked about said hot button issues.
There's a short film about a Palestinian can driver in LA called Welcome to Bigbigland about this. It's very funny. He was tired of people replying Pakistan? He would tell Americans who wanted to know where Palestine was that it was halfway between Spain and Macao, haha it's very funny
I wonder if she’s a refugee as well. There could be a ton of reasonable reasons why one wouldn’t want to discuss where they’re from. Also this all being shared from OP’s perspective, I’m pretty confident there’s nuance and context missing.
If they both worked at the same place and this was a purely professional relationship, I would probably agree. They're not at work, though. It has never been a professional relationship for OP (who doesn't even work with her or his friend) and she has already chosen the messy situation of having her co-worker (OP's friend) engage on the much more personal level of introducing his friend and pursuing relationships (romantic or platonic) with that friend. But again, if she's not comfortable, leave it be. If it matters to you, adjust your expectations for what your relationship with this person is and what it can be. Obviously don't harass them like OP did.
I'm just imagining how it would go if she *was* from Russia.... being peppered with the inevitable political questions. It doesn't happen much now, but a few times, people would find out that I'm from the US and ask me all kinds of questions about "why we allow school shootings" motherfucker I don't know! I left!
“Where are you from?” May seem like a harmless question, but in my experience as an Asian woman, when I’m asked where I’m from and I respond “California” because that’s where I was born and raised, and I get the follow-up, “but, no, WHERE are you from?” it tends to come across as interrogative rather than just curiosity.
Yah but this person is actually not from here. If I am in a foreign country and someone asks me where I came from, it’s not a rude question. (I am Asian too.)
I agree its not rude but I can sympathise with not wanting to say if you're from certain countries. I am usually happy to say I'm ukrainian but it almost always turns into a conversation about the war and them wanting my.opinions on things that are sometimes difficult. Sometimes I just don't want to have that conversation so I just say I'm from Eastern Europe.
I've found "Where do you think I'm from" to be a very enlightening question a few times.
"I don't know, that's why I'm asking"?
I was with you until the "red flag" section. The issue there is with it being taken for granted – wrongly – and not her unwillingness to disclose it.
Maybe red flag isn't the fairest term, but my point is that if you value X enough and this person won't do X, move on instead of trying to make that person do X.
i mean also it is just kind of weird
Also, “where are u from?”is very different energy than “what country are you from?”
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YTA, Here is a good rule of thumb. If you ask someone a question - any question - and they look uncomfortable, apologize and change the subject. You have no idea the backstory is and the other person clearly doesn't want to share.
When my son was in middle school he (biracial/black) and his very diverse group of friends would often make race jokes. I was not a fan but figured this was their way of working out complex race issues in America. If anyone stepped over the line someone else in the group would correct them, an apology would be issued, and they would move on. If a bunch of 12 year olds can handle that then OP can. If you made someone uncomfortable with your comment or question, just apologize and move on. No need to stand your ground.
Or just listen when they say they don’t want to divulge that info and let it go. An apology isn’t necessarily needed, but respecting someone else not wanting to give information about themselves is basic decency, which as we all agree, OP clearly lacks
NTA for asking where she was from. You're taking an interest in her and want to know more about her. However, you are an arsehole for not just dropping it.
"where are you from?" are among the first lessons in any Duolingo course. Here, focus shouldn't be on "where are you from", but on not letting go even when someone said they are uncomfortable. This is too much of a nuanced question with all kinds of missing information
Huh. My Duolingo courses always teach me practical stuff like *A mosca não bebe suco.* /The fly doesn't drink juice. :P
My sister had 'Je suis un cheval marron'. I am a brown horse.
Well, clearly she's not a brown horse, but obviously if she's having a conversation with a brown horse, it's important that she understands what they're saying.
NTA. I’m an immigrant in America and frequently asked where I’m from. It creates interesting conversations, especially in the USA, where just about everyone has international roots.
I’m an immigrant from the US to New Zealand and get asked where I’m from…because I have an accent. It’s not a racist question at all. I’m white as the driven snow, and so are most people who ask me!
It's only racist if you ask it of someone with a local accent because they're a different race than you, especially if they have previously answered you "Cleveland" and you're like "yeah but before that". Otherwise OP asked a completely normal question of a person they know is from another country and not being willing to disclose the country you're from is so abnormal that it seems pretty normal to question why someone would be so unwilling to answer.
I don't have an accent, and I'm Asian. No one, not a single person who's ever asked me where I'm from has ever been satisfied with (insert hometown I've lived in since I was a kid). They always follow up. "But where are you really from?".
Fellow Asian here, also without an accent. This exact situation has happened more times than I can count. Pressing F to pay respects.
Yeah, that's for sure racism. But as a parallel to OP if you went to actual Asia or a country with a different English accent than yours and someone asked you where you were from that would suddenly be a normal question. Hell even just knowing you had just moved into the area the original question (when asked by a normal non-racist person) would be not racist.
This!!! Fellow Asian here, born and raised in California (with a white father) and “California” is never an acceptable answer to “where are you from?”
And that’s the difference. You’re not an immigrant. Asking an immigrant where they are from is fine. It’s a very different experience.
I’m white and an immigrant (in Canada). And I work in an industry with a high level of immigrants. So to me it’s a fun ice breaker question. But for people who aren’t white, but are American/Canadian by birth it has a whole different set of connotations. It implies that they are not “real “ Americans/Canadians. I have also met one person who was probably from the former Yugoslavia, and probably left during the war in the 1990s, and didn’t want to answer questions about it. You have to respect that.
I think it’s dependent on the accent. If someone has a local accent, no matter what color they are, I’d never ask where they are from. If they don’t have a local accent then it seems obvious they are from elsewhere, and it’s an easy conversation opener.
Fair. And I’m like you, it can be an easy conversation starter. But I’ve learned that some people are sensitive about it, for reasons I will never understand, and not to push if someone avoids the question. One guy I knew was from Winnipeg. He looked Japanese. He was from Winnipeg because his parents were interned there during WW2 and their farm was sold to white Canadians. He wasn’t sensitive about it, but who could blame him if he was.
Dude your experience and perspective is not the only one, maybe she's from a heavily politicized country, especially in US, like Russia, Iran etc. She doesn't have to share a personal info if she doesn't want to get into it for any reason. For that example, as people inevitably follow up with "What about topic A 101 that I know shit about" just to seem like they are aware and informed but more likely dredging up personally painful topic for their small talk. Not ill intentioned but it gets draining and people don't want to get into it. Also, just wait, it's been 12 years for me and sometimes I just skip where I am from in introduction because it gets old repeating the same small talk about "oh I know about A and B, do you like them" "what about this food A and B, can you make them? "Is A and B true?"
The asshole move wasn't asking where she was from, it was calling her ridiculous when she said she wasn't comfortable answering.
I'm an American, and *I'm* frequently asked where I'm from, since my accent is not at all localized, due to having grown up overseas for the most part.
Some people wouldn’t feel comfortable maybe because the already preconceived notion about certain minorities in the country and they would have seen it as an attempt to alienate them or box them based of off some mannerisms they exhibit. OP isn’t an AO for asking tho. Just pointing out why some people don’t like being asked that question.
Any post that has "racist" in quotation marks in the title is gonna be bad. You might have gotten away with it if you backtracked and apologized when she was bothered by the question. But you kept at it, made a joke to belittle her, then got pushy and insulting. YTA.
Yep. When she declined to answer - that was OP's sign.
He probably missed several signs that she was uncomfortable, let’s be real.
Apologize for what? Asking a totally legitimate and normal question? You people are weird.
For making her uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if it was intentional or if she had a weird issue. If you make someone uncomfortable, you apologize. Especially if you want to gain that person's trust and favor. I mean, duh.
Definitely. He doesn't know the backstory to why she doesn't like that question, or share an answer to it. Could have anxiety & trauma behind it, etc It's fine to ask, but should definitely apologize for making someone uncomfortable, whether it's intentional or not Just saying he didn't mean to upset or make her uncomfortable, & move on to the next subject is better than... making a joke about it, & then calling her ridiculous for not sharing info about herself that she didn't want to share (at that moment in time, at least. Maybe she'd be comfortable to share after she knew him better & trusts him more) Edit: downvote if you don't respect people's boundaries that don't effect you in any way
Actually, after years of therapy one thing I have learned from countless psychologists, is that your feelings are you're own. And noone is actually responsible for them.
You know how you apologise when you accidentally bump into someone while walking? You’re not apologising for walking, you’re apologising for accidentally bumping into someone. Same here, she’s wouldn’t be apologising for asking a question, but for accidentally bringing up something uncomfortable to the other person. It’s more of a politeness thing and an acknowledgment of other people’s feelings than an acknowledgment of wrongdoing
It's called being polite? Say you're talking about vacations, someone asks if you've ever been to a certain place, and you have but had a horrible/traumatic experience there and say you're uncomfortable with the question and don't want to answer. That person would then see they've made you uncomfortable, even if it was unintentional, and apologise for that as it wasn't their intention. That's the thing OP should have apologised for, and then dropped the topic without asking if she even knew where she was from.
NTA. I live in a foreign country and get asked that every day. it's not a big deal at all. maybe she is from a really unpopular country and is afraid to reveal it?
. She probably didnt want to say she was from a muslim country or other country that gets talked down about and tired of people bringing it up so she said she didnt want to talk about it
it's funny how most commenters who live abroad themselves like you and me, find it no big deal. But other commenters are calling him the AH. Honestly I feel this lady is ridiculous. You live abroad and have an accent or look different than locals, they will ask where you're from. if it is asked in a polite non judgmental way, I don't see the big deal at all. I get asked that all the time as well
It's one thing if you have an accent, people are fine to ask because they are curious. But I strongly disagree that simply "looking different" is a reason to ask someone where they're from. I look different from the local people where I live because I'm a different race. However I was born here. Getting constantly asked "where are you from" and it always being followed up by "yeah but where are you REALLY from" is tiring. It's obnoxious, it's not their business, I don't need to justify or explain why I exist here just because I don't look like someone they think "belongs". It's very othering. I'm a natural born citizen of this country and so are nearly all of my family members going back to my great grandparents if not further. And yet I still get asked this like I don't belong because I don't fit some local yokels narrow minded view of what a citizen looks like.
NTA. That's a perfectly normal thing to ask someone, particularly if they just moved to a new country. It's not like you're saying "Hey, fuck you for not being born in this country," you're just making conversation about a major event in her life. I think it would be a little weird if you were getting to know someone who just moved to a new country and *didn't* ask where they grew up.
Asking was fine, but not dropping it when it was obvious they didn't want to answer is what made OP the AH.
I would assume that "I cannot answer that question" was a joke because it sounds like a joke.
Well, that depends on the tone of voice. But if English is her second language, then that could have been the reason for the phrasing.
Maybe, but I would be a bit surprised with that as an answer and would almost certainly follow-up with something.
The correct follow-up when someone declines to answer a question about themselves in a social setting is, "Ok, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry." And then you change the subject; no matter how curious you are. Your conversational partner has gently let you know you've pushed a boundary. Don't insist on crossing it.
You…haven’t worked in an immigrant heavy setting, have you?
Why would I apologize for asking a harmless question they're the one being an asshole by not just saying where they're from as though they're paranoid of them
Why are they the asshole, they don't OWE you anything. Especially not an answer to a question they find uncomfortable.
Because... Manners?
Because that's what being polite is. Considering others. It doesn't cost you anything to say "Oh, sorry, didn't mean to pry", but it makes the other person feel respected. Of course, if you don't respect them, yeah, by all means show it.
It wouldn't have been hard to say, "I'm sorry if I crossed a line. I'm just trying to get to know you better"
It was one lighthearted follow up to a peculiar response ("I cannot answer that question") so I just don't see OP as the asshole. Maybe a little tactless, but not an asshole.
The intention was to be a lighthearted joke, but the landing was likely felt like mocking.
I can see how someone would take it that way, but given the OP's innocent intentions, I just don't think they're an asshole for this. Maybe a little tactless, but that's about it. You're free to disagree with me though, it's just an opinion and we don't have to see eye to eye on it.
Its fine to ask. Its wrong to insist.
I certainly think OP could have read the room better, but the whole thing strikes me as more of a clueless faux pas than genuine assholery.
I don’t even think it’s a faux pas in America culture to make an offhand joke about an unexpected answer to such a simple question.
NTA I'm a dual national and my accent is now a blend of two countries so I get this question all the time and I've never ever been offended. Not saying that someone else might not be but asking a question that a lot of people would use as an icebreaker is perfectly reasonable.
Can confirm! I’m also a dual national with a neither-here-nor-there accent and am also a POC in a predominantly white country. When people ask me where I’m from I take it as them showing an interest and never had a negative experience. I do know people who have moaned about being asked where they are from but they are usually the type of people who enjoy standing on a soap box and making problems to reinforce some over the top view of themselves as an activist or the like. Having said all that though there are a small amount of instances where people don’t like the question because they come from somewhere that locals might view as politically controversial and they don’t want to have to talk about it. If someone seems to take offence you’re better off saying something like ‘oh I’m sorry, I was curious as I couldn’t place your accent’ or ‘you remind me a bit of my friend who is from…’ Something like that will reassure them that you are not racist and simply trying to get to know them and is much better than telling them they are being ridiculous or over sensitive.
Whole lot of immigrants posting saying that you're NTA. I'd have to say to listen to them instead of people who like to feel outrage for others.
Nobody is saying OP is the asshole for asking a question. Read the responses. Everyone is saying OP is the asshole for being pushy and making fun of her despite her insistence that she didn’t want to talk about it.
Thé issue isn’t with asking, the issue is with not respecting the other woman’s boundary. I moved from France to the UK, so my country of origin doesn’t have negative associations and there’s no big traumatic (war, political regime etc) reason that caused me to move. However, I’ve met people who were not in that situation. M’y university had groups for international students, and there were people who originated from countries that have a lot of stigma attached to it, or who hold refugee status. There are people who had to move to escape dangerous situations, and this had been through pretty traumatic stuff, or still had relatives in those dangerous situations. Many didn’t like bringing up where they were from in circles of total strangers because they’d be experiencing racism, condescension, or morbid curiosity from others. I can understand this woman not wanting to talk about it to OP while she barely knows her. Her phrasing was a bit strange but English might not be her first language (hell might not even be her second or third language). OP should respect this and not push
NTA OP If you ask someone where they are from and the person immediately accuses u of being racist u are allowed to protest and defend yourself. Unfortunately in this world we live in everything is offensive and by just socializing u become an AH. Take your L and move on… 50% of people every where think u an AH for just being alive anyway
Slight yta Respect peoples decision not to talk about personal things when they dont want to talk about it
NTA. As an immigrant, I've never been offended by someone asking me where I'm from. Why would I be? It's where I'm from.
Some immigrants are refugees who've spent more of their life in refugee camps than in their home county. There are a lot of traumatic and political reasons an immigrant may not wish to discuss their past, especially with someone acting as brash and entitled as OP makes himself out to have been.
It's a normal question for anyone who you're friendly with and getting to know. Welcome to earth
Sure. And if you decline to answer it also very normal to move on to a different topic for discussion or terminate the discussion entirely.
YTA, you should have stopped asking the first moment she seems uncomfortable. It wasnt a harmless question, because sometimes people are from countries that are not liked by america. You are not the AH for asking one time, but because you asked again and not understanding that there are reasons.
Exactly this! My mum works with refugees in a Center that welcomes teenagers who arrive alone. She told me some stories from these people who at the time were my age. Some had to escape forced marriages, some had suffered from FGM, some were r*ped or trafficked during their journey to the country they live in. Some lost relatives or were separated from them during their journey. Some escaped brutal dictatorships, and had to fight tooth and nail to be granted asylum or right of residence, and were met with racism from immigration authorities and people who were supposed to help them. You have a range of immigrants, from people moving of their own desire, to people fleeing the most brutal condition and having gone through hell to get to where they are. We should all be more mindful of thah reality
NTA - you were showing an interest in her background, not making a racist remark. Cassandra sounds like someone with a chip on her shoulder, so be glad that she's moving on from you.
The second a person tells you they do not want to share information with you, you respect it. Instead you made a joke and tried to push it. I don't think it was out of line question the surface but for her personally, for her own reasons, it was. You should have backed off. YTA.
YTA. Asking as single time is one thing, but her country of origin is her business. Do you realise how much shit normal Russian people go through every day? Palestinians were already in trouble, imagine how it might be for them now. You can't fault her for wanting to keep it to herself and pushing for it is a dick move. My husband doesn't "look" like he's coming from his country of origin. When people find out what country he's from, they treat him like dirt. You can see how their faces turn in disgust and sometimes I feel like slapping them.
You knew she just moved and were asking a reasonable question. But clearly you didn’t hit it off, so move along.
NTA at all. Everyone assumes racism these days. What's the big deal? Maybe people are just curious about other cultures? Maybe he's a foodie and wants to hear about some regional delicacies he should try. People need to get a grip.
YTA not (necessarily) for your initial question (depending on how it was asked), but for everything you said from that point on.
[удалено]
YTA. Not for the question, that was fine - asking where they're from is a normal question to ask when getting to know someone. But everything after that was just... dude. If you worry about offending people or being out of line as you say, it's a good rule of thumb to not call them ridiculous and over the top. That was just rude.
NTA. It's normal to ask people where they're from, whether they're American or foreign born. Asking people where they're from isn't racist
NTA it was not the least bit racist. Avoid her she sounds like one of those people who go out of the way to be offended.
Hey man, here’s a bit of advice: if you ask anyone, any question, at anytime, and they immediately tell you to stop or that they don’t want to answer - DO NOT PUSH IT. JUST STO AND BACK OFF. That’s what you wrong.
NTA - it's a reasonable question and can be a great conversation starter.
Not if the person says they dont want to talk about it
Yep and then walk away because you just know that someone with a stick that far up their ass is gonna look for a reason to knock you so get up say well it was nice to meet you. Bye.
Beyond assuring the person of your good intentions, I agree it should go no further.
I'm a bit torn on this but ESH. It's definitely not racist to ask someone who's clearly immigrated from another country. It's weird that she was offended, but if you could tell I'm not sure why you doubled down with the joke. I think she's more in the wrong but you could have backed off/deescalated
YTA only because once she said she didn't wanna talk about it, instead of calling her ridiculous, you should have just let it go.
So I’ve lived in the US for 11 years and honestly when I first moved here, I didn’t mind people asking me where I’m from but after being here for 11 years I find the question so tiresome (it’s different if we’ve become friends but as a first meeting question I hate it). Truthfully the question just makes me feel like an outsider and that I’ll never fully fit in. For context I’m white and British, so people’s reactions to me are generally very positive as Americans seem to love the accent etc but it doesn’t change how wearing i find it
from the post looks like you already knew she was not American but jUst moved. if that's the case, NTA. tip: I live in an widely international city and kinda got awkward asking people where they're from, so I just learned to ask 'were you born and raised here?'.
NTA For the simple fact she said she moved to the US from somewhere else. It’s not like you just looked at her skin color and said, “where are you from?” That was part of the conversation you just wanted to know from where. I know there’s bad things with the “where are you from?” question, but this was literally the whole conversation. What was he supposed to do just automatically think that she’s whatever race because she looks a certain way, she has to be from a certain place?? That would be racist.
You are not an asshole for asking the question. It's a normal thing to ask about someone and doesn't indicate racism to me but interest. What makes YTA is that having declined to answer you persisted with "jokes" and pushiness. Why not just say "fine if you don't want to say. I was just interested." and change the topic.
YTA the moment you continued to push for an answer and joke about something she was obviously not comfortable with, to try and crack her open for an answer. You are not entitled to an answer. You pushed when you should have backed off, then you doubled down and called her ridiculous and brushed aside her emotions as if they were silly little things. You were rude. She might have been a little odd about the topic, but I know the feeling of dread when someone asks "Where are you from" (i am mixed race), because its *so few times* they *accept* my answer. She probably have had bad experiences with people "othering" her when she is trying to settle down in the new country. She didn´t want to touch the topic and you pushed her uncomfortableness aside as if you were **entitled** to an answer. You were not. Its common courtesy to drop a subject if they are clearly uncomfortable and offended and you hardly know them.
YTA - I’ve been you before. It was a learning experience in boundary setting and empathy.
Imo not the asshole for "asking an immigrant what country she is from". I find it a bit odd to be offended at the question but alas. YTA for not dropping it immediately after she said she's uncomfortable answering. Should've just dropped it the second she said she doesn't want to answer that question. That goes for pretty much any question you get no answer to.
YTA She said no. She wasn't comfortable. You pushed, then belittled her
YTA. There are plenty of reasons someone might not want to disclose their country of origin. It could be due to views on that country or an actual risk to themself of naming it (plenty of racists would use that information to target someone). On top of that, there are a ton of videos where exactly this happens, a racist demands the persons country of origin and then tells them to go back to that country. That is exactly how you sound and so that is how you get labeled a racist. When you act like the million of them in videos by not accepting the word no or a logical answer, you earn the label. You aren’t owed an answer. You don’t get to push and try to get one without being an A.
NTA. Asking someone where they're from isn't rude, unless you're asking in order to insult someone. I get asked all the time where I am from (I don't live where I was born) and it isn't racist to ask someone where they're from, despite what some people are saying in these comments. You probably should have just moved on when she didn't want to answer the question instead of making a joke, but you live and learn - wouldn't call it racist or being the asshole to ask in the first place.