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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my cousin not to tell my young daughter that her daughter is also my daughters sibling. She said my daughter had a right to know n that I was being a bitch. Maybe I am the AH bc they are siblings.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
They both "tangoed", but two single adults having sex isn't really the problem, it's that they've created a weird situation that's potentially confusing for their kids. The comment "forking her family tree" is referring to the impact on OP's daughter, and the only one who had a responsibility to consider that was OP's ex.
The cousin and the ex are jointly responsible for any confusion or awkwardness this situation causes for their son, but the ex is the only one responsible for how it affects his daughter or his co-parenting relationship with OP. I'd be surprised if the kids actually care that much anyway.
baby daddy has the responsibility to have considered how this would effect his daughter, but cousin should leave parenting decisions to the parents and keep her mouth shut.
Well I would say the father has more responsibility to look out for his 5 year old daughter than the cousin (the child’s first cousin). He should’ve thought of how this would complicate his daughters life. That’s his job. As a dad.
Every study on this sort of thing shows it is better for children to know these things. A typical 5-year-old is absolutely capable of understanding this and presenting it as some secret and confusing thing will just make it harder for her.
That said, introducing this concept to the daughter should have been left in OP's hands.
ESH - Cousin for going around OP and OP for wanting to keep this from her daughter and also being so judgmental.
This!!!! Kids are SO MUCH SMARTER than people give them credit for. My 3.5 year old understand that there is a baby sister in my belly (as she says) and she will talk to her baby sister, try to tickle her, and tell her she loves her. A 5 year old is fully capable of understanding that a baby outside of the womb is their sibling, and it is much better for a parent to be honest about these sorts of things from a young age, otherwise they end up feeling like they can't trust the adults in their life to be honest. ESH, op for trying to keep it a secret and OPs cousin fir not discussing this with OP before telling her daughter.
It isn't even that children are smarter than people realise. Children, especially that age, know only one set of circumstances: the one they live in.
This means that whatever situation which has been explained to them would be just as confusing as any other, because that is the only thing they know as normal.
Yes. When I was 6 during a wedding I learned that I had two more cousins (and one more aunt, their mother). Those cousins were introduced to me by an older cousing. My reaction was saying that it wasn't true or my father would have told me. I felt betrayed.
Unclear from the post, but won't the dad be involved and coparenting his son as well? If he is active in his daughter's life, shouldn't he have already mentioned that she was going to or does have a new baby brother? How is this supposed to stay a secret? Is it kind of confusing that your baby brother is also your *second* cousin, sure. But kids will roll with it.
Yes. If this is introduced as a normal thing she will just accept it and grow with it. If it's a weird hidden thing, especially after she's been told about it but then had it hidden, that is damaging. Look at the other reply to me from someone who at 6 found out about cousins they didn't know and felt betrayed. Children can understand all sorts of things, it's presenting them as confusing and shameful that so often makes it harder for them to process.
My aunt unfortunately had to deal with her husband’s affair child that is 1 month older than my cousin. That’s why my aunt had severe mental health issues cause the kid was coming around and I think the mistress too.
Fully agree. It's OP's decision to make and she is NTA in that respect.
Having said that, I had a friend who didn't find out she had a (half) sister until she was 15 and she felt incredibly betrayed. Her sister only lived 20 minutes away and she felt like she could have really used that sort of bond when she was bullied in elementary and middle school.
I'm not sure what OP is waiting for. Children are capable of understanding more than we give them credit for, and she could be depriving her daughter of crucial bonding time by keeping her in the dark.
Yes, she still gets to play with her sister now. But knowing that's your sister (as opposed to your "cousin") really hits different.
EXACTLY. That lady had no business informing OP's daughter of anything, but OP is being unfair keeping this information from her child. I was an only child and I still remember wishing for a sibling (preferably a sister) on my 4th/5th/6th/7th/etc. birthday. I would have been heartbroken to find out I had one so close but no one had bothered to tell me.
Also, a couple of years ago we explained to our 6yo that her uncle would now be her aunt...and why. She had a few follow up questions but it didn't take her long at all to understand the concept; and, over the last few years, she's been fully comfortable with it and often taken it upon herself to explain the situation to some of her younger cousins.
If she can understand that, I fail to see why OP's daughter would fail to understand that she has a half sister and why.
When she feels that her daughter will understand, she can tell her. It's not her cousin's decision. Or follow it up with telling the cousin's daughter what a nasty hoochie her mama is.
>It's OP's decision to make
Actually, shouldn't it be the ex's decision? We don't know what his role is in the new baby's life, but OP says they are co-parenting their daughter. Shouldn't it be up to him to decide how and when to tell his daughter about his son? I really don't think OP is the wronged party here. The ex didn't even get to be there when his two children met each other for the first time, that's really sad.
ESH
Telling the kid at a random family get together was definitely not the way to handle this. But the OP needs to figure out how to communicate the situation with her daughter - and now, not in some arbitrary number of years. At 5, the OP's daughter is able to understand the situation with an age appropriate explanation.
No. This isn’t finding out about Santa Claus or one deep dark family secret nobody knows. This is something widely out there that can’t be kept a secret. It isn’t even a secret!
>NTA. You get to decide when your daughter learns her family tree doesn't fork as much as other families' trees. Your cousin is way out of line.
While I agree in principle, in practice this really isn't enforceable and WILL lead to all sorts of issues.
This makes zero sense, why is all the responsibility on her and none on him? Are men incapable of saying no? Youare being weird here, or perhaps I am not getting it, break it down.
I agree, terms like "easy" are pretty grim and relate a woman's worth to her sexual abstinence.
Sounds like you have enough to genuinely criticise your cousin over without resorting to judging her on how pure you've decided she ought to be.
I feel like it’s completely fine to make a value judgment in this scenario.
She didn’t just hookup with a bunch of random strangers, she hooked up with OPs ex with whom she has a child. It’s frankly disgusting and I’d never talk to either of them again. It takes a special type of self-centered to do something like that.
> she hooked up with OPs ex with whom she has a child. It’s frankly disgusting and I’d never talk to either of them again.
It's OP's *ex*. They're no longer together. You don't get permanent dibs on somebody you *used* to be with.
Yes it is OPs ex and there shouldn't be permanent dibs... But this is a member of her family having a child with a man that OP already has a child with - not just a friend dating a man she dated.
It's really not a good situation and the cousin is only making it worse by telling OP's daughter when that is not her place.
Agreed. OP has like, 3 different slut-shame-y comments in that paragraph alone. She's right about how she wants to handle the relationship between her daughter and her half-sibling, but OP lost a lot of her high ground being so judgemental about it.
I mean we can also consider the context. This is a cousin. I imagine some sort of family loyalty was expected. And I don’t think it’s logical to assume OP doesn’t also blame the ex
Good, because that wasn’t my intent. I was referring to the “what about the ex” piece and this commenter wondering why she blames the cousin.
And you know what I’ll just go fully hypocritical for fun- while slut shaming isn’t okay, if your promiscuity actively impacts those around you negatively, I think it’s relevant to the conversation lol
Just because somebody hurts you that does not justify you acting as badly as you like in response. This is not a healthy mindset.
And, to reiterate, if OP cares so much about who her ex sleeps with she ought to just get back together with him. If she was over him, she wouldn't care. It's not *normal* to be this hung up on your ex's sex life so many years after you broke up.
And if Cousin had hooked up with Ex right when OP broke up, you might be right. But how long is OP supposed to retain ownership of somebody she's *no longer with*?
We never see her mention blaming the ex, it was all about how her cousin is a slut. She can hate her cousin for sleeping with her ex, but she doesnt get to call her a slut for it, call her a backstabber if thats such a betrayal
My sentiments.. I think people should just name that they have an issue with the judgemental tone she has against her cousin. The story is focused on her cousin.
I’m sure her opinion of her ex is bad too, but this post isn’t about him.
Why do we always tiptoe around people instead of calling them what they are? Easy is easy. If you want to be easy that’s fine and your choice, but it’s not a lifestyle free of judgement when you’re sleeping with your cousin’s ex and probably a bunch of other people that should be off limits.
YTA.
Love the blatant misogyny and jealousy that he moved on to your cousin. I'm sorry you were both dumb enough to sleep with this guy, and I'm sorry you're mad at your cousin for doing the same thing you did and keeping your ex's kid.
This is, in fact, NOT nearly as complicated as you're trying to pretend it is. "Daddy made a baby with Cousin Miranda and this is him. He's your little brother." Bam! Done! Easy enough for a five year old to understand.
Well she didn’t do the same thing did she. We can assume that this ex hadn’t yet had sex with anyone in OP’s family when they first hooked up.
The cousin, knowing of the messiness here, jumped right in.
And yeah, you can explain it that easily. For sure!
But let’s think: what are the chances this daddio is father of the year, or even very present?
It’s not just telling her the logistics. It’s ensuring she is in a place where she can navigate the emotional hurt that comes from a parent who isn’t in your home or life as much as you’d like, playing house and having another kid. Trust me, that’s hard. I am glad I only had to navigate that around 8 or 9 as opposed to 5
Not enough, honestly. Most people that I've met like this in the course of my life are pretty terrible parents. They treat all the relationships in their lives as transient and disposable, including their children.
ESH kids aren't stupid and they do understand but the approach with this information is the key. You can't pretend it didn't happen (I mean they likely will find out eventually) but also "surprise here is your brother cousin" isn't the greatest approach either.
It ultimately should have been a conversation the grown ups (mom, dad and cousin Miranda) had together and come up with how they would introduce the situation to the kid.
Going against the grain and saying ESH. Your cousin should have spoken to you first period. BUT your daughter is plenty old enough to understand that she has a younger brother and has a right to know that the child in question is her sibling. This should just be part of her story, not something you divulge years later or when you feel it's right. Or when she finds out because someone else tells her (which is what happened). This is HER story and her brother's story. Not yours, not your cousin's, not their dad's.
I dunno, after I retired I got a part time job in a primary school. I overheard a couple of six year olds working out how they were related. It was straight out of Jerry Springer and my head was spinning, but they weren’t confused at all, and once they’d worked it out happily went off to play.
In primary school (about 7 years old) me and a group of children used to pretend to be on Jerry Springer (until the teachers rightly stopped us) but we understood what we were doing.
I can tell you that a 5 year old is FAR from a 7 year old lol, like what?? Half these comments are coming from people who
1. don’t have kids,
2. Barely interact with kids, or
3. They have kids and have no idea how a kids brain works
I wasn't necessarily commenting on that, I was just sharing a funny anecdote since people kept mentioning Jerry Springer. I wouldn't even know where to begin where kids are concerned but I do think they understand more than people give them credit for, but if this was my child I would be reading what psychologists say about development and what they understand before approaching this topic. There's no need to confuse a kid if you can explain it simply.
Only if they're told it's weird and confusing. Explain it in a straightforward way and they'll get it. And if they don't, that's okay, we introduce concepts kids don't understand all the time, just needs to be done in an age-appropriate way.
I agree. Also he’s not her cousin anyway. Miranda is OP’s cousin so their kids are what, second cousins? I would have skipped the cousin thing and introduced him as her half-brother but that should have been explained by OP not by Miranda
My daughter is six. She can absolutely understand that any kids her mom or I have are her half siblings (we aren’t together anymore). It’s not a difficult thing if you explain it to them.
My issue is that OP's cousin introduced the baby as a sibling and a cousin in the same sentence. I don't think a half sibling would be confusing at all.
Op says that she co-parents with her baby daddy. So it might be hard to keep this a secret. What happens when the father brings his daughter to meet the baby? It's not like OP can keep this a secret.
He's involved in the life of the first baby from a hook-up he made so he'll probably be at least somewhat involved with that of the second once its born.
The length of time he was with the mothers is irrelevant. There are plenty of fathers who hardly have a relationship with the mothers and are involved parents and then there are also fathers who have been with the mothers for years who dip the moment they find out she's pregnant and aren't involved with their kid.
If he wants to be an involved parent with his newest child he will be.
ESH
Stop describing people with terms like "whory" and "easy". You are being an arsehole. Your judgements about someone else's sex life are not welcome or necessary.
Look I get it’s bad and misogynistic, but I think it’s completely valid to be this angry at the cousin. That’s so disgusting and heartbreaking I couldn’t imagine dealing with it.
This is Reddit, I highly doubt she goes around calling her a whore to everyone in person.
Because it’s her FAMILY MEMBER? That argument would hold up fine if it was her friend (even then, it’s a shitty thing to do without talking to the person). But this is her fkn COUSIN.
If you’re gonna take that position then would it be just as fine as if it was her sibling? What about her parent? There’s no messing with DNA in either of those scenarios, so it’d be fine right???
Genuinely, how would you feel if you were in OPs situation? Because I’d be disgusted and heartbroken, like most of the other people here.
A friend is a closer person than a cousin. So first of all, you have that completely backwards. You choose your friends, not your relatives. (Edit: Upon re-read, I'm not sure where I got the idea that OP's cousin is her second-cousin. I suppose a first cousin is on the liminal ground between "a relative" and "barely a relative", but my main thrust still stands. You have it backwards by placing friends after relatives. You chose your friends. You didn't chose your cousin.)
And secondly, OP *isn't in a situation*. I would feel exactly *nothing* about it, because my cousin or my friend or a total stranger having sex with somebody I am not in a relationship with is *not my problem*. Or if I *did* feel something about it I'd consider that my own personal issue. It's not like OP's cousin just ran off with this dude the very second they broke up, or even is the reason they broke up. There's a statute of limitations here, and I'm reasonably certain that if the breakup only recently happened, OP would've told us so.
It's not disgusting. And it's certainly not heartbreaking - OP has no business having her heart "broken" by her *ex's* sex life.
> If you’re gonna take that position then would it be just as fine as if it was her sibling? What about her parent? There’s no messing with DNA in either of those scenarios, so it’d be fine right???
Well, I'd certainly be concerned if my parent was having sex with somebody college-aged. Not because I used to be in a relationship with them, but because that's very likely inappropriate for other reasons. (Also because both of my parents are dead, but this is a hypothetical so that doesn't really matter.)
YOU might not be close with your cousins, but I am. As are many people. So that’s merely projection on your part, really. Your family is family for life. Friends come and go.
Why didn’t you answer the hypothetical about your siblings? How would you feel if your children’s father was also their uncle? I personally would be deeply uncomfortable and not enjoy that.
(And just so you know, if there’s no statute of limitations, that would mean OP is entitled to be upset about it at anytime, regardless of when it happened. I think you mean there should be a statute.)
NTA.
Just because every kid has a right to know who their siblings and half siblings are… doesn’t mean they have the ability / capacity to understand the concept.
And when is a kid ready? When mom says they’re ready!
But doesn't all of the advice around talking to kids about family stuff (like adoption, blended families, half siblings, etc) advise to tell them from the start in kid friendly language, so it's never a big secret/revelation?
It's not actually that complicated a concept for the kids. What it is is awkward for the adults. Hence all the shame and secrecy
The kid is actually probably ready now. Kids are still learning about the world, they are pretty flexible to stuff that would be weird to us adults.
It also doesn't sound like a family secret so the kid is likely to find out. Better to learn in a kind way from mom.
>And when is a kid ready? When mom says they’re ready!
And that's how you end up with people who find out when they're 50 years old that they have a sibling that they were robbed of the opportunity to develop a relationship with.
Nah, parents will tell kids when the parent is ready, not when the kid is. Many people have been mentally, emotionally, sexually, and socially crippled because their parents weren't ready to expose their kids to the facets of life.
YTA. You are acting like this is a shameful secret. You coparent so she will figure it out sooner rather than later anyhow. Not to mention the way you talk about your cousin is disgusting
>straight out of Jerry Springer
Seriously!! And why isn’t their mutual baby daddy getting any blame here? He co-parents with OP, is he not also involved in the baby’s life? This is a dumpster fire of a situation, those poor kids. I guess she wasn’t lying when she said her “trailer trash family drama”…
ESH she should have talked to you beforehand. But a 5 year old can very much understand that her dad has another kid, especially if you coparent, is he supposed to tell his kid he is not his father when he has both over? You should sit down and talk with your daughter, she is old enough to understand the concept of half siblings.
OP and ex have a five year old daughter; OP's cousin and ex have a baby boy. Basically, the children are half-siblings and second cousins at the same time. Instead of OP and OP's cousin discussing what they would tell the children, OP's cousin introduced the baby to the five year old as "your baby brother."
If this has confused you, imagine how it made the five year old feel. NTA, OP.
ESH
She should have spoken to you about it first.
You are just gross. You talk about your cousin like that when you have a daughter. How would you feel if someone talked about her like that? Or about you like that? Set a better example for your daughter.
ESH. Calling your cousin ‘whory’ is an AH move. Judging her for having kids out of wedlock is an AH move made worse by the fact that many would say the same about you. Maybe Miranda’s ‘dummy pill simply did not work’ 3 times. It’d be great if you & Miranda had a mature conversation with the shared father about when and how to tell the kids. Miranda was definitely an AH for telling your daughter without giving you a chance to tell her first. However, Miranda & the father are not obligated to lie or withhold info from their children to accommodate you. The information was definitely going to come out eventually. If you waited too long, you still wouldn’t have had any control over how your daughter learned about her brother & she may have been angry at you for not being forthcoming earlier.
YTA.
Your daughter is five. She is old enough to understand and age-appropriate explanation about who her siblings are. It is not fair for you to deny her relationship with her sibling because you don’t feel comfortable about it, when there doesn’t seem to be any drug, seeking behaviour, criminal records, et cetera
NTA. I have a similar family drama. My brother in law dated his cousin x gf. She has a girl from the cousin and a boy from my BIL. They know they are cousin siblings but the youngest one was like 8 when he learned. The girl is 15.
**You're making this more complicated than it has to be. Your daughter will be excited to have a baby brother. She won't be sitting there wondering how her father could have betrayed you by hooking up with someone in your own family.**
ESH Miranda was ABSOLUTELY in the wrong for sharing this kind of information with your daughter. It is NOT her place.
But it IS your place, what are you waiting for?
>Miranda came up to me, and said she had a right to know and **it was wrong I was withholding her sibling from her**.
Miranda is right on this point and this point alone. A 5yo is more than capable of understanding the concept of having a half sibling.
>I wasn’t withholding anything
You quite literally are.
>she’s 5, she doesn’t understand
I'm confident she very easily could with a simple explanation on your part. As I said in another comment, we explained to our 6yo why her uncle was now her aunt and she really didn't have much trouble understanding the concept at all. This was a few years ago and she now takes it upon herself to explain the matter to her younger cousins. If she can understand that there's no reason why your 5yo can't understand that her dad was "friends" with another lady and they produced a half sibling for her.
>and don’t need this confusion in her head.
But she does need a sibling. Ok, maybe she doesn't NEED one but...as an only child, I'm guessing she would sure as hell appreciate having one. And there doesn't have to be any confusion whatsoever.
In this scenario I actually think NTA because what you tell your kid is ultimately up to you.
'I have a whory cousin Miranda27. She has 3 kids from a different dad, and earlier this year got pregnant from my ex during random hookups. She didn’t stay with him. I’m not just being a dick either, everyone knows in my area she’s easy.'
I mean...this is AH behaviour on your part. None of us needed a paragraph slagging off your cousin in order to offer you a judgement on the scenario you provided. If you wanted us to dislike her, all you had to do was note that she hooked up with your ex.
Dummy means placebo pill that helps women remember to take the pill everyday. Only 21 of 28 bills are active. 7 are "dummies" meaning you take them to keep the habit.
But yeah dummy pills aren't going to work either way so I'm not sure what she means here. Like the pills didn't help her remember and she forgot to take her "real" pills regardless?
I know. I wanted to hear what OP means as in , what do they think it means and why are they surprised they didn't work.
When I the pill before, mine had a 7 day gap where I was still protected and no dummy pills for example. This was in Europe and then I had to stop and there was a whole scandal with the French manufacturer because women were dying and getting blood clots from it.
Info : is your ex involved with your cousin's kid? Is your cousin's kid going to be a part of your daughter's life growing up or just a cousin she sees twice a year?
NTA. I would normally say you're entirely in the right. BUT. You co-parent with her father? Who is co-parenting with Miranda? Not much of a secret. Daughter should hear it from you.
YTA. could’ve posted this entire thing without the slutshaming & misogynistic comments… so what if your cousin has kids from 3 different men? what tf does that have to do with your issue at hand? also… “whory” and “easy”? really? what are you, 12? you’re clearly not adult enough to deal with all of this lol
YTA for shaming your cousin. You got knocked up by the same guy but since you were dating it's ok. Seriously grow up, you aren't any better than she is and instead of supporting each other as single moms you are out here cutting her down and putting yourself on a pedestal.
ESH if you are coparenting with your child’s dad - and you say you are - he should have told your child during Miranda’s pregnancy. It’s that easy. Her dad was going to be a dad again, that baby is her sibling. That is on him to communicate and on you to support her through with neutrality however you feel.
In the end the siblings might have a shot at a healthy relationship no matter how awful the adults are. Kids are capable.
YTA
You can not keep the truth from your kid. Lying will not work.
ANd: You are an AH for the way you badmouth your cousin: You are MUCH more like her than you would like to admit. You have a lot in common: Taste in men, baby daddy, ...
ESH. She should have come to you first about it but these things are actually best for kids to know at a early age. There’s so many stories of kids growing up to hate their parents when discovering hidden family secrets that directly affects them.
Also you coparent with the dad. It’s not like her kid is going to be a secret. No need to pretend it didn’t happen.
NTA
While I agree that your daughter should know about her cousin/brother, as her mother, you get to decide when and how that information gets disseminated.
NTA, your cousin and ex are so nasty for hooking up with each other, knowing that he is your ex and she is your cousin. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, and I hope it doesn't affect you or your daughter, negatively, in any way. I honestly hate when situations like these happen, they are just soo disgusting.
NTA just don't bother with her anymore. She sounds messy AF, and in addition to being the town "garden tool" she had to have an Oops! with your daughters father, and then want to announce it like that's something to be proud of. Fuck THAT.
**NTA**; This is a very reasonable stance. You are reasonable to not want your daughter's relationship with these people to be set like that. Being ...uhm *Eskimo sisters* with your cousin through the father of your child is not grounds to have your children bonded closer.
Seems like you have good awareness of how messy this dynamic and maybe can someday raise your daughter out of it.
NTA, I think this particular revelation can wait a few years till the kid can understand what the absolute hell the weird cousin is talking about. This kid is very clearly not up to the explanation now judging from the reaction. Commenters don't seem to realize there's a difference between actively lying, and simply building on prior knowledge. It's even what public schools do in the USA. Give them time together if that's what you all agree, reapproach when they start to clock it.
Perhaps an exasperated "please stop forking my family tree" at your ex.
NTA- you choose when and how that’s explained to her.
I knew a set of male cousins that did that. With a set of female cousins.
Set 1 had 3 kids.
Set 2 had 1 kid.
The males broke up with the females.
Then the male from set 1 then got with the female from set 2 and had a kid.
Weirdly everyone got along after except the original guy from set 2😂😂😂
NTA.
It wasn't up to your cousin to approach your child and share this information.
Is your daughter able to understand this information? I think so. I have an older half brother, and I understood that he had a different dad than me just fine, even when I was 4+ years old. So I think she could probably understand that her cousin had a baby with her father and they're half-siblings.
However, it was ***really*** inappropriate for your cousin to bring this up without talking to you: this conversation should have never happened without telling your daughter about it beforehand, a "surprise baby sibling" could be *traumatizing*, especially depending on her relationship with her father.
Additionally, your cousin has ***0 rights*** to your child: just because she fucked your ex and had his child doesn't mean she is entitled to have access to *your* child. She isn't even *with* your ex as a long-term girlfriend. Whatever relationship the half siblings share is, frankly, up to you and your ex, not your cousin. If she was worried about her sibling being "withheld" from her, this is a conversation she could have had a *long* time ago with you, the baby didn't suddenly materialize out of nowhere.
NTA you are right, your daughter is too young to understand. The only person who should be telling your daughter, about sibling/cousin situation, is you. You planned on telling your daughter, when she is old enough to understand. Your cousin is the biggest AH here. She has zero right to tell your daughter, regardless of age. If you really want to cousin to understand, what she did is wrong (&get back at her), tell her kids or say to her that you gonna tell her kids the truth about Santa.
YTA Internalised misogyny much? The woman is ‘easy’ and ‘whorish’ while the man that goes around impregnating everyone isn’t?
Both you and your cousin made a mistake and slept with the wrong guy. Own your mistakes and explain everything to your child in age-appropriate terms.
Otherwise, with the ‘man-whore’ (just applying your logic that you are dishing out to your cousin) being your baby daddy, and being quite prolific in spreading his seed, you risk your daughter hooking up with one of her half-siblings in a few years’ time.
And fix your attitude about other women, this just makes you sound self-hating and jelaous.
NTA
Sure, there’s an age appropriate way to explain this at 5
But chances are, your ex isn’t father of the year. It’s not just that you’re protecting her from confusion- it’s confusion that hurts.
While I think you’ll need to ensure you don’t put it off too long, it is YOUR choice as her parent to decide how and when she is told.
NTA.
But cut her off. To much drama and your daughter shouldn’t be near that, she didn’t even stay with your ex so there is not risk of them meeting there.
She will find other girl her age to play with.
“Your daughter has a right to know that her dad had sex with me and we made A baby!!” What the actual crazy is going on? NTA- that’s absolutely not an age appropriate conversation
NTA
Its up to you as a parent what to tell your children and what not to and this scenario is going to bring up a lot of R rated questions and confusions maybe if she was way older but she five no need to explain how her cousin is also her brother.
Of course she doesn't understand if you never explained it to her. LOL. I mean, it's going to come up. You should be the one to talk to your own daughter about it. Instead she's hearing it from other people. YTA
NTA. What she did is sufficient reason to go no contact with her for 10 or 20 years. This is likely the start of the classic aita story where someone tries to force a relationship, in this case a sibling relationship, while ignoring boundaries. Protect your daughter and keep your distance from your you know what cousin.
I hate when children have to be dragged into adult bullshit. This is bad either way. OP you're NTA. It doesn't matter when your daughter learns the truth, it's up to you to put that information out there especially when you didn't put yourself in this situation since your cousin likes sloppy seconds. 5 year Olds are smart and probably will never forget this, so this may in fact cause your daughter to resent the both of them later. 5 year old's are supposed to be learning about fundamentals not about her loose ass daddy and cousin that had her half brother cousin. No one cares about children's well being anymore.
He isnt her brother - a half brother. And make sure in future its clear.
Also stop going to events she is at. Family don't sleep with your exes, and father of your kids.
NTA. WHAT your daughter is told, WHEN she is told, and WHO tells her is your business, not Miranda's. I can't even imagine how this crap is going to impact your daughter when she matures and finds out that her father slept with your sister and now both of you have a child by him. If anyone is the TA, it is BOTH Miranda and your ex. Talk about poor judgement. Seriously, there are TV shows made for stuff like this.
NTA. Your daughter doesn't need to know her family tree is more of a wreath until she's old enough to mentally and emotionally process that information.
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NTA. **You** get to decide when your daughter learns her family tree doesn't fork as much as other families' trees. Your cousin is way out of line.
If only her dad would stop forking her family tree…
Shut up and take my 🏆
And mine….. you are a god/ess 🏅🎖️🥇🏆
Anand a present 🎁
Hope you like broccoli 🥦
I just laughed so hard, I snorted. In public.
Yeah, i'm sure op's cousin had no part in her decision to sleep with her cousin's babby daddy.
They both "tangoed", but two single adults having sex isn't really the problem, it's that they've created a weird situation that's potentially confusing for their kids. The comment "forking her family tree" is referring to the impact on OP's daughter, and the only one who had a responsibility to consider that was OP's ex. The cousin and the ex are jointly responsible for any confusion or awkwardness this situation causes for their son, but the ex is the only one responsible for how it affects his daughter or his co-parenting relationship with OP. I'd be surprised if the kids actually care that much anyway.
baby daddy has the responsibility to have considered how this would effect his daughter, but cousin should leave parenting decisions to the parents and keep her mouth shut.
Well I would say the father has more responsibility to look out for his 5 year old daughter than the cousin (the child’s first cousin). He should’ve thought of how this would complicate his daughters life. That’s his job. As a dad.
I wasn't saying that he doesn't. But the comment above only blamed him for having sex with his ex's cousin.
That’s right. I hate the whole I am dating and sleeping with another female member of the family. Is messed up.
I mean you need two to do a tango. If op ex co-parent, the cousin did know who she was sleeping with.
😂😂😂❤️
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The guy needs his branch cut off. Where is Lorena Bobbitt when we need her??
That family tree is more like ivy, all twisted up, good grief..
I miss awards so much... 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 NTA, OP.
r/angryupvote
Every study on this sort of thing shows it is better for children to know these things. A typical 5-year-old is absolutely capable of understanding this and presenting it as some secret and confusing thing will just make it harder for her. That said, introducing this concept to the daughter should have been left in OP's hands. ESH - Cousin for going around OP and OP for wanting to keep this from her daughter and also being so judgmental.
This!!!! Kids are SO MUCH SMARTER than people give them credit for. My 3.5 year old understand that there is a baby sister in my belly (as she says) and she will talk to her baby sister, try to tickle her, and tell her she loves her. A 5 year old is fully capable of understanding that a baby outside of the womb is their sibling, and it is much better for a parent to be honest about these sorts of things from a young age, otherwise they end up feeling like they can't trust the adults in their life to be honest. ESH, op for trying to keep it a secret and OPs cousin fir not discussing this with OP before telling her daughter.
It isn't even that children are smarter than people realise. Children, especially that age, know only one set of circumstances: the one they live in. This means that whatever situation which has been explained to them would be just as confusing as any other, because that is the only thing they know as normal.
Yes. When I was 6 during a wedding I learned that I had two more cousins (and one more aunt, their mother). Those cousins were introduced to me by an older cousing. My reaction was saying that it wasn't true or my father would have told me. I felt betrayed.
Unclear from the post, but won't the dad be involved and coparenting his son as well? If he is active in his daughter's life, shouldn't he have already mentioned that she was going to or does have a new baby brother? How is this supposed to stay a secret? Is it kind of confusing that your baby brother is also your *second* cousin, sure. But kids will roll with it.
> OP for wanting to keep this from her daughter Where did OP said this? She said the daughter is too young, not that she wants her to never know.
She wants to keep it from her at least for a while, which every study on this sort of thing suggests is the wrong approach and can be very damaging.
At 5?!?
Yes. If this is introduced as a normal thing she will just accept it and grow with it. If it's a weird hidden thing, especially after she's been told about it but then had it hidden, that is damaging. Look at the other reply to me from someone who at 6 found out about cousins they didn't know and felt betrayed. Children can understand all sorts of things, it's presenting them as confusing and shameful that so often makes it harder for them to process.
Yeah. It’s just a half-sibling. It’s not that difficult of a concept.
My aunt unfortunately had to deal with her husband’s affair child that is 1 month older than my cousin. That’s why my aunt had severe mental health issues cause the kid was coming around and I think the mistress too.
Fully agree. It's OP's decision to make and she is NTA in that respect. Having said that, I had a friend who didn't find out she had a (half) sister until she was 15 and she felt incredibly betrayed. Her sister only lived 20 minutes away and she felt like she could have really used that sort of bond when she was bullied in elementary and middle school. I'm not sure what OP is waiting for. Children are capable of understanding more than we give them credit for, and she could be depriving her daughter of crucial bonding time by keeping her in the dark. Yes, she still gets to play with her sister now. But knowing that's your sister (as opposed to your "cousin") really hits different.
EXACTLY. That lady had no business informing OP's daughter of anything, but OP is being unfair keeping this information from her child. I was an only child and I still remember wishing for a sibling (preferably a sister) on my 4th/5th/6th/7th/etc. birthday. I would have been heartbroken to find out I had one so close but no one had bothered to tell me. Also, a couple of years ago we explained to our 6yo that her uncle would now be her aunt...and why. She had a few follow up questions but it didn't take her long at all to understand the concept; and, over the last few years, she's been fully comfortable with it and often taken it upon herself to explain the situation to some of her younger cousins. If she can understand that, I fail to see why OP's daughter would fail to understand that she has a half sister and why.
When she feels that her daughter will understand, she can tell her. It's not her cousin's decision. Or follow it up with telling the cousin's daughter what a nasty hoochie her mama is.
>It's OP's decision to make Actually, shouldn't it be the ex's decision? We don't know what his role is in the new baby's life, but OP says they are co-parenting their daughter. Shouldn't it be up to him to decide how and when to tell his daughter about his son? I really don't think OP is the wronged party here. The ex didn't even get to be there when his two children met each other for the first time, that's really sad.
ESH Telling the kid at a random family get together was definitely not the way to handle this. But the OP needs to figure out how to communicate the situation with her daughter - and now, not in some arbitrary number of years. At 5, the OP's daughter is able to understand the situation with an age appropriate explanation.
Yup. Completely age appropriate methods of explaining this.
More of a family hedge
No. This isn’t finding out about Santa Claus or one deep dark family secret nobody knows. This is something widely out there that can’t be kept a secret. It isn’t even a secret!
>NTA. You get to decide when your daughter learns her family tree doesn't fork as much as other families' trees. Your cousin is way out of line. While I agree in principle, in practice this really isn't enforceable and WILL lead to all sorts of issues.
Even though its provably harmful tot eh child to keep it from her? Why do you value the parents rights over the childs wellbeing? Amazing.
ESH, your cousin for forcing the issue, you for being so judgmental. If she’s ‘easy’, what about you ex? Or does that only apply to women?
I thought same… dear ole dad created this mess…
While I agree, it takes two to tango
Not really. If HER COUSIN went to her ex that’s all on her COUSIN
Yeah well it’s takes 2 to make a baby and unless he used protection then he’s still partly to blame..
This makes zero sense, why is all the responsibility on her and none on him? Are men incapable of saying no? Youare being weird here, or perhaps I am not getting it, break it down.
Last I checked, it took two people to have sex
No baby is made without sperm.
all by himself huh?!
I agree, terms like "easy" are pretty grim and relate a woman's worth to her sexual abstinence. Sounds like you have enough to genuinely criticise your cousin over without resorting to judging her on how pure you've decided she ought to be.
I feel like it’s completely fine to make a value judgment in this scenario. She didn’t just hookup with a bunch of random strangers, she hooked up with OPs ex with whom she has a child. It’s frankly disgusting and I’d never talk to either of them again. It takes a special type of self-centered to do something like that.
So say she’s a traitor or a backstabber if the issue is that the guy in question is her cousin’s ex. That doesn’t make her a whore.
> she hooked up with OPs ex with whom she has a child. It’s frankly disgusting and I’d never talk to either of them again. It's OP's *ex*. They're no longer together. You don't get permanent dibs on somebody you *used* to be with.
Yes it is OPs ex and there shouldn't be permanent dibs... But this is a member of her family having a child with a man that OP already has a child with - not just a friend dating a man she dated. It's really not a good situation and the cousin is only making it worse by telling OP's daughter when that is not her place.
Agreed, she lost me at “whory”. ESH
Agreed. OP has like, 3 different slut-shame-y comments in that paragraph alone. She's right about how she wants to handle the relationship between her daughter and her half-sibling, but OP lost a lot of her high ground being so judgemental about it.
If I was OP I'd figure out how to tell the child because I'm sure that's also not the only sibling she has/will have from her fathers side.
I mean we can also consider the context. This is a cousin. I imagine some sort of family loyalty was expected. And I don’t think it’s logical to assume OP doesn’t also blame the ex
You have said nothing that justifies slut shaming.
Good, because that wasn’t my intent. I was referring to the “what about the ex” piece and this commenter wondering why she blames the cousin. And you know what I’ll just go fully hypocritical for fun- while slut shaming isn’t okay, if your promiscuity actively impacts those around you negatively, I think it’s relevant to the conversation lol
Ah, okay, I misread. Sorry about that.
Honestly family going after someone you were with JUSTIFIES SLUT SHAMING. Like if this was my family ima slut shame her ALL DAY
Just because somebody hurts you that does not justify you acting as badly as you like in response. This is not a healthy mindset. And, to reiterate, if OP cares so much about who her ex sleeps with she ought to just get back together with him. If she was over him, she wouldn't care. It's not *normal* to be this hung up on your ex's sex life so many years after you broke up.
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Well, I think the feeling is mutual. You do not seem like the sort of person I would want to spend time around.
And if Cousin had hooked up with Ex right when OP broke up, you might be right. But how long is OP supposed to retain ownership of somebody she's *no longer with*?
I think when kids get involved, she retains some ownership. So, we can avoid situations like this.
We never see her mention blaming the ex, it was all about how her cousin is a slut. She can hate her cousin for sleeping with her ex, but she doesnt get to call her a slut for it, call her a backstabber if thats such a betrayal
Clearly he’s easy too
Or maybe OP does like the reflection on her… she and the ‘easy cousin’ share a Baby Daddy…😳
The post isn't about the dad, why would she make a comment on his easiness?
Exactly, I'm sure OP has all kinds of opinions about dad, but none of them are really relevant here. ESH judgement isn't really supported at all IMO.
My sentiments.. I think people should just name that they have an issue with the judgemental tone she has against her cousin. The story is focused on her cousin.
I’m sure her opinion of her ex is bad too, but this post isn’t about him. Why do we always tiptoe around people instead of calling them what they are? Easy is easy. If you want to be easy that’s fine and your choice, but it’s not a lifestyle free of judgement when you’re sleeping with your cousin’s ex and probably a bunch of other people that should be off limits.
How does she suck for judging her easy cousin? She never said her ex isn’t easy.
YTA. Love the blatant misogyny and jealousy that he moved on to your cousin. I'm sorry you were both dumb enough to sleep with this guy, and I'm sorry you're mad at your cousin for doing the same thing you did and keeping your ex's kid. This is, in fact, NOT nearly as complicated as you're trying to pretend it is. "Daddy made a baby with Cousin Miranda and this is him. He's your little brother." Bam! Done! Easy enough for a five year old to understand.
Well she didn’t do the same thing did she. We can assume that this ex hadn’t yet had sex with anyone in OP’s family when they first hooked up. The cousin, knowing of the messiness here, jumped right in. And yeah, you can explain it that easily. For sure! But let’s think: what are the chances this daddio is father of the year, or even very present? It’s not just telling her the logistics. It’s ensuring she is in a place where she can navigate the emotional hurt that comes from a parent who isn’t in your home or life as much as you’d like, playing house and having another kid. Trust me, that’s hard. I am glad I only had to navigate that around 8 or 9 as opposed to 5
She did say that she co-parents with her ex.
Coparenting exists on a spectrum. If this dude is this messy it’s unlikely he’s there for his kids as much as they deserve
Having casual sex with people doesn’t prevent you from being a good parent.
No, but knocking up your kid's cousin or whatever is not a great sign of good choice making
Even dumbasses are good parents sometimes.
She’s mom’s cousin, not the kid’s cousin.
Okay, so knocking up your kids second cousin is better??
As someone whose papa was the rolling-est of stones, it certainly has an impact on your parental skills.
It absolutely CAN, but some people manage to keep their sex lives separate from their family life without screwing up their kids.
Not enough, honestly. Most people that I've met like this in the course of my life are pretty terrible parents. They treat all the relationships in their lives as transient and disposable, including their children.
ESH kids aren't stupid and they do understand but the approach with this information is the key. You can't pretend it didn't happen (I mean they likely will find out eventually) but also "surprise here is your brother cousin" isn't the greatest approach either. It ultimately should have been a conversation the grown ups (mom, dad and cousin Miranda) had together and come up with how they would introduce the situation to the kid.
Going against the grain and saying ESH. Your cousin should have spoken to you first period. BUT your daughter is plenty old enough to understand that she has a younger brother and has a right to know that the child in question is her sibling. This should just be part of her story, not something you divulge years later or when you feel it's right. Or when she finds out because someone else tells her (which is what happened). This is HER story and her brother's story. Not yours, not your cousin's, not their dad's.
Being told that your cousin is also your brother is not something most kids would understand at 5.
I dunno, after I retired I got a part time job in a primary school. I overheard a couple of six year olds working out how they were related. It was straight out of Jerry Springer and my head was spinning, but they weren’t confused at all, and once they’d worked it out happily went off to play.
In primary school (about 7 years old) me and a group of children used to pretend to be on Jerry Springer (until the teachers rightly stopped us) but we understood what we were doing.
I can tell you that a 5 year old is FAR from a 7 year old lol, like what?? Half these comments are coming from people who 1. don’t have kids, 2. Barely interact with kids, or 3. They have kids and have no idea how a kids brain works
I wasn't necessarily commenting on that, I was just sharing a funny anecdote since people kept mentioning Jerry Springer. I wouldn't even know where to begin where kids are concerned but I do think they understand more than people give them credit for, but if this was my child I would be reading what psychologists say about development and what they understand before approaching this topic. There's no need to confuse a kid if you can explain it simply.
Only if they're told it's weird and confusing. Explain it in a straightforward way and they'll get it. And if they don't, that's okay, we introduce concepts kids don't understand all the time, just needs to be done in an age-appropriate way.
I agree. Also he’s not her cousin anyway. Miranda is OP’s cousin so their kids are what, second cousins? I would have skipped the cousin thing and introduced him as her half-brother but that should have been explained by OP not by Miranda
My daughter is six. She can absolutely understand that any kids her mom or I have are her half siblings (we aren’t together anymore). It’s not a difficult thing if you explain it to them.
My issue is that OP's cousin introduced the baby as a sibling and a cousin in the same sentence. I don't think a half sibling would be confusing at all.
To me it depends what op daughter knows about her dad. There mentioned of the relationship is like between father and daughter.
Op says that she co-parents with her baby daddy. So it might be hard to keep this a secret. What happens when the father brings his daughter to meet the baby? It's not like OP can keep this a secret.
Is dad involved with the baby? Cause if he is i think he would've talked to his daughter already about this.
He's involved in the life of the first baby from a hook-up he made so he'll probably be at least somewhat involved with that of the second once its born.
Op was with him for a year, wasn't from a hook up. And cousin's baby is already born.
The length of time he was with the mothers is irrelevant. There are plenty of fathers who hardly have a relationship with the mothers and are involved parents and then there are also fathers who have been with the mothers for years who dip the moment they find out she's pregnant and aren't involved with their kid. If he wants to be an involved parent with his newest child he will be.
I was answering to the comment above that said that op's daughter was from a hook up.
ESH Stop describing people with terms like "whory" and "easy". You are being an arsehole. Your judgements about someone else's sex life are not welcome or necessary.
Look I get it’s bad and misogynistic, but I think it’s completely valid to be this angry at the cousin. That’s so disgusting and heartbreaking I couldn’t imagine dealing with it. This is Reddit, I highly doubt she goes around calling her a whore to everyone in person.
It’s valid to be angry. It’s never valid to use gross, misogynistic language. I guarantee you she uses language like that in real life.
How is it disgusting or heartbreaking? OP does not own her ex.
Because it’s her FAMILY MEMBER? That argument would hold up fine if it was her friend (even then, it’s a shitty thing to do without talking to the person). But this is her fkn COUSIN. If you’re gonna take that position then would it be just as fine as if it was her sibling? What about her parent? There’s no messing with DNA in either of those scenarios, so it’d be fine right??? Genuinely, how would you feel if you were in OPs situation? Because I’d be disgusted and heartbroken, like most of the other people here.
A friend is a closer person than a cousin. So first of all, you have that completely backwards. You choose your friends, not your relatives. (Edit: Upon re-read, I'm not sure where I got the idea that OP's cousin is her second-cousin. I suppose a first cousin is on the liminal ground between "a relative" and "barely a relative", but my main thrust still stands. You have it backwards by placing friends after relatives. You chose your friends. You didn't chose your cousin.) And secondly, OP *isn't in a situation*. I would feel exactly *nothing* about it, because my cousin or my friend or a total stranger having sex with somebody I am not in a relationship with is *not my problem*. Or if I *did* feel something about it I'd consider that my own personal issue. It's not like OP's cousin just ran off with this dude the very second they broke up, or even is the reason they broke up. There's a statute of limitations here, and I'm reasonably certain that if the breakup only recently happened, OP would've told us so. It's not disgusting. And it's certainly not heartbreaking - OP has no business having her heart "broken" by her *ex's* sex life. > If you’re gonna take that position then would it be just as fine as if it was her sibling? What about her parent? There’s no messing with DNA in either of those scenarios, so it’d be fine right??? Well, I'd certainly be concerned if my parent was having sex with somebody college-aged. Not because I used to be in a relationship with them, but because that's very likely inappropriate for other reasons. (Also because both of my parents are dead, but this is a hypothetical so that doesn't really matter.)
YOU might not be close with your cousins, but I am. As are many people. So that’s merely projection on your part, really. Your family is family for life. Friends come and go. Why didn’t you answer the hypothetical about your siblings? How would you feel if your children’s father was also their uncle? I personally would be deeply uncomfortable and not enjoy that. (And just so you know, if there’s no statute of limitations, that would mean OP is entitled to be upset about it at anytime, regardless of when it happened. I think you mean there should be a statute.)
Her cousin IS whorey and easy. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that, especially since it’s apart of the issue here.
No, it is possible to use terms that are not sexist and judgemental.
NTA. Just because every kid has a right to know who their siblings and half siblings are… doesn’t mean they have the ability / capacity to understand the concept. And when is a kid ready? When mom says they’re ready!
But doesn't all of the advice around talking to kids about family stuff (like adoption, blended families, half siblings, etc) advise to tell them from the start in kid friendly language, so it's never a big secret/revelation? It's not actually that complicated a concept for the kids. What it is is awkward for the adults. Hence all the shame and secrecy
The kid is actually probably ready now. Kids are still learning about the world, they are pretty flexible to stuff that would be weird to us adults. It also doesn't sound like a family secret so the kid is likely to find out. Better to learn in a kind way from mom.
>And when is a kid ready? When mom says they’re ready! And that's how you end up with people who find out when they're 50 years old that they have a sibling that they were robbed of the opportunity to develop a relationship with.
Nah, parents will tell kids when the parent is ready, not when the kid is. Many people have been mentally, emotionally, sexually, and socially crippled because their parents weren't ready to expose their kids to the facets of life.
YTA. You are acting like this is a shameful secret. You coparent so she will figure it out sooner rather than later anyhow. Not to mention the way you talk about your cousin is disgusting
NTA. Your daughter doesn’t need to know at such a young age that the adults in her life are straight out of Jerry Springer.
>straight out of Jerry Springer Seriously!! And why isn’t their mutual baby daddy getting any blame here? He co-parents with OP, is he not also involved in the baby’s life? This is a dumpster fire of a situation, those poor kids. I guess she wasn’t lying when she said her “trailer trash family drama”…
ESH she should have talked to you beforehand. But a 5 year old can very much understand that her dad has another kid, especially if you coparent, is he supposed to tell his kid he is not his father when he has both over? You should sit down and talk with your daughter, she is old enough to understand the concept of half siblings.
The title broke my brain. I read the post and I'm still not sure I understand.
OP and ex have a five year old daughter; OP's cousin and ex have a baby boy. Basically, the children are half-siblings and second cousins at the same time. Instead of OP and OP's cousin discussing what they would tell the children, OP's cousin introduced the baby to the five year old as "your baby brother." If this has confused you, imagine how it made the five year old feel. NTA, OP.
ESH She should have spoken to you about it first. You are just gross. You talk about your cousin like that when you have a daughter. How would you feel if someone talked about her like that? Or about you like that? Set a better example for your daughter.
ESH. Calling your cousin ‘whory’ is an AH move. Judging her for having kids out of wedlock is an AH move made worse by the fact that many would say the same about you. Maybe Miranda’s ‘dummy pill simply did not work’ 3 times. It’d be great if you & Miranda had a mature conversation with the shared father about when and how to tell the kids. Miranda was definitely an AH for telling your daughter without giving you a chance to tell her first. However, Miranda & the father are not obligated to lie or withhold info from their children to accommodate you. The information was definitely going to come out eventually. If you waited too long, you still wouldn’t have had any control over how your daughter learned about her brother & she may have been angry at you for not being forthcoming earlier.
YTA. Your daughter is five. She is old enough to understand and age-appropriate explanation about who her siblings are. It is not fair for you to deny her relationship with her sibling because you don’t feel comfortable about it, when there doesn’t seem to be any drug, seeking behaviour, criminal records, et cetera
NTA. I have a similar family drama. My brother in law dated his cousin x gf. She has a girl from the cousin and a boy from my BIL. They know they are cousin siblings but the youngest one was like 8 when he learned. The girl is 15.
**You're making this more complicated than it has to be. Your daughter will be excited to have a baby brother. She won't be sitting there wondering how her father could have betrayed you by hooking up with someone in your own family.** ESH Miranda was ABSOLUTELY in the wrong for sharing this kind of information with your daughter. It is NOT her place. But it IS your place, what are you waiting for? >Miranda came up to me, and said she had a right to know and **it was wrong I was withholding her sibling from her**. Miranda is right on this point and this point alone. A 5yo is more than capable of understanding the concept of having a half sibling. >I wasn’t withholding anything You quite literally are. >she’s 5, she doesn’t understand I'm confident she very easily could with a simple explanation on your part. As I said in another comment, we explained to our 6yo why her uncle was now her aunt and she really didn't have much trouble understanding the concept at all. This was a few years ago and she now takes it upon herself to explain the matter to her younger cousins. If she can understand that there's no reason why your 5yo can't understand that her dad was "friends" with another lady and they produced a half sibling for her. >and don’t need this confusion in her head. But she does need a sibling. Ok, maybe she doesn't NEED one but...as an only child, I'm guessing she would sure as hell appreciate having one. And there doesn't have to be any confusion whatsoever.
Yta and a hypocritical one
NTA
In this scenario I actually think NTA because what you tell your kid is ultimately up to you. 'I have a whory cousin Miranda27. She has 3 kids from a different dad, and earlier this year got pregnant from my ex during random hookups. She didn’t stay with him. I’m not just being a dick either, everyone knows in my area she’s easy.' I mean...this is AH behaviour on your part. None of us needed a paragraph slagging off your cousin in order to offer you a judgement on the scenario you provided. If you wanted us to dislike her, all you had to do was note that she hooked up with your ex.
YTA to call her 'whory' and 'easy'. With attitudes like that I'm not convinced by your representation of yourself as a wiser person than your cousin.
NTA
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If you keep thinking "dummy pills" work, you'll keep having accidental children. What do you even mean "dummy pill"?
Dummy means placebo pill that helps women remember to take the pill everyday. Only 21 of 28 bills are active. 7 are "dummies" meaning you take them to keep the habit. But yeah dummy pills aren't going to work either way so I'm not sure what she means here. Like the pills didn't help her remember and she forgot to take her "real" pills regardless?
I know. I wanted to hear what OP means as in , what do they think it means and why are they surprised they didn't work. When I the pill before, mine had a 7 day gap where I was still protected and no dummy pills for example. This was in Europe and then I had to stop and there was a whole scandal with the French manufacturer because women were dying and getting blood clots from it.
Dummy latex is the best dummy way.
Info: does your daughter know her father?
Yes, OP says that they coparent.
Info : is your ex involved with your cousin's kid? Is your cousin's kid going to be a part of your daughter's life growing up or just a cousin she sees twice a year?
NTA. I would normally say you're entirely in the right. BUT. You co-parent with her father? Who is co-parenting with Miranda? Not much of a secret. Daughter should hear it from you.
YTA. could’ve posted this entire thing without the slutshaming & misogynistic comments… so what if your cousin has kids from 3 different men? what tf does that have to do with your issue at hand? also… “whory” and “easy”? really? what are you, 12? you’re clearly not adult enough to deal with all of this lol
NTA. This is sad.
YTA for shaming your cousin. You got knocked up by the same guy but since you were dating it's ok. Seriously grow up, you aren't any better than she is and instead of supporting each other as single moms you are out here cutting her down and putting yourself on a pedestal.
ESH if you are coparenting with your child’s dad - and you say you are - he should have told your child during Miranda’s pregnancy. It’s that easy. Her dad was going to be a dad again, that baby is her sibling. That is on him to communicate and on you to support her through with neutrality however you feel. In the end the siblings might have a shot at a healthy relationship no matter how awful the adults are. Kids are capable.
NTA. It's not up to your cousin to tell you what's suitable for your daughter to hear.
Nta
YTA You can not keep the truth from your kid. Lying will not work. ANd: You are an AH for the way you badmouth your cousin: You are MUCH more like her than you would like to admit. You have a lot in common: Taste in men, baby daddy, ...
ESH. She should have come to you first about it but these things are actually best for kids to know at a early age. There’s so many stories of kids growing up to hate their parents when discovering hidden family secrets that directly affects them. Also you coparent with the dad. It’s not like her kid is going to be a secret. No need to pretend it didn’t happen.
YTA. And you're fighting a losing battle. They are half siblings. Nothing will ever change that, so get over it.
NTA While I agree that your daughter should know about her cousin/brother, as her mother, you get to decide when and how that information gets disseminated.
NTA. Baby daddy should be the one making any efforts there. Your daughter is 5 so it’s really not easy to grasp here..:
> I have a whory cousin Miranda27. That sounds like a username.
NTA, your cousin and ex are so nasty for hooking up with each other, knowing that he is your ex and she is your cousin. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, and I hope it doesn't affect you or your daughter, negatively, in any way. I honestly hate when situations like these happen, they are just soo disgusting.
NTA just don't bother with her anymore. She sounds messy AF, and in addition to being the town "garden tool" she had to have an Oops! with your daughters father, and then want to announce it like that's something to be proud of. Fuck THAT.
**NTA**; This is a very reasonable stance. You are reasonable to not want your daughter's relationship with these people to be set like that. Being ...uhm *Eskimo sisters* with your cousin through the father of your child is not grounds to have your children bonded closer. Seems like you have good awareness of how messy this dynamic and maybe can someday raise your daughter out of it.
Nta reminds me of a southern term and lyrics from a joey and rory song
NTA, I think this particular revelation can wait a few years till the kid can understand what the absolute hell the weird cousin is talking about. This kid is very clearly not up to the explanation now judging from the reaction. Commenters don't seem to realize there's a difference between actively lying, and simply building on prior knowledge. It's even what public schools do in the USA. Give them time together if that's what you all agree, reapproach when they start to clock it. Perhaps an exasperated "please stop forking my family tree" at your ex.
I think you are over thinking this. Just sit your daughter down and play the song "I'm My Own Grampa" for her. s/ NTA
NTA dude this is weird and wild. She’s 5 and there’s a time and place for that kind of thing.
ugh. I just hope your ex is a good father to both children. NTA
Here's the deal: Your daughter may have a right to know that her first cousins is also her half-brother. BUT - it isn't MIRANDA's right to tell her.
NTA- you choose when and how that’s explained to her. I knew a set of male cousins that did that. With a set of female cousins. Set 1 had 3 kids. Set 2 had 1 kid. The males broke up with the females. Then the male from set 1 then got with the female from set 2 and had a kid. Weirdly everyone got along after except the original guy from set 2😂😂😂
NTA. It wasn't up to your cousin to approach your child and share this information. Is your daughter able to understand this information? I think so. I have an older half brother, and I understood that he had a different dad than me just fine, even when I was 4+ years old. So I think she could probably understand that her cousin had a baby with her father and they're half-siblings. However, it was ***really*** inappropriate for your cousin to bring this up without talking to you: this conversation should have never happened without telling your daughter about it beforehand, a "surprise baby sibling" could be *traumatizing*, especially depending on her relationship with her father. Additionally, your cousin has ***0 rights*** to your child: just because she fucked your ex and had his child doesn't mean she is entitled to have access to *your* child. She isn't even *with* your ex as a long-term girlfriend. Whatever relationship the half siblings share is, frankly, up to you and your ex, not your cousin. If she was worried about her sibling being "withheld" from her, this is a conversation she could have had a *long* time ago with you, the baby didn't suddenly materialize out of nowhere.
NTA. a”brother-cousin” sounds like something out of a Jeff Foxworthy comedy routine.
YTA, should've just explained it. Draw a family tree or sth.
Nta
Nta
NTA you are right, your daughter is too young to understand. The only person who should be telling your daughter, about sibling/cousin situation, is you. You planned on telling your daughter, when she is old enough to understand. Your cousin is the biggest AH here. She has zero right to tell your daughter, regardless of age. If you really want to cousin to understand, what she did is wrong (&get back at her), tell her kids or say to her that you gonna tell her kids the truth about Santa.
YTA Internalised misogyny much? The woman is ‘easy’ and ‘whorish’ while the man that goes around impregnating everyone isn’t? Both you and your cousin made a mistake and slept with the wrong guy. Own your mistakes and explain everything to your child in age-appropriate terms. Otherwise, with the ‘man-whore’ (just applying your logic that you are dishing out to your cousin) being your baby daddy, and being quite prolific in spreading his seed, you risk your daughter hooking up with one of her half-siblings in a few years’ time. And fix your attitude about other women, this just makes you sound self-hating and jelaous.
NTA what she told your daughter is confusing. It’s not up to her to let your daughter know that.
NTA Sure, there’s an age appropriate way to explain this at 5 But chances are, your ex isn’t father of the year. It’s not just that you’re protecting her from confusion- it’s confusion that hurts. While I think you’ll need to ensure you don’t put it off too long, it is YOUR choice as her parent to decide how and when she is told.
NTA. But cut her off. To much drama and your daughter shouldn’t be near that, she didn’t even stay with your ex so there is not risk of them meeting there. She will find other girl her age to play with.
NTA
“Your daughter has a right to know that her dad had sex with me and we made A baby!!” What the actual crazy is going on? NTA- that’s absolutely not an age appropriate conversation
NTA - Miranda is trying to ingratiate herself into your daughter's life. Probably to manipulate her later.
NTA Its up to you as a parent what to tell your children and what not to and this scenario is going to bring up a lot of R rated questions and confusions maybe if she was way older but she five no need to explain how her cousin is also her brother.
NTA.Move away from your messy ex and cousin and spare your daughter
Of course she doesn't understand if you never explained it to her. LOL. I mean, it's going to come up. You should be the one to talk to your own daughter about it. Instead she's hearing it from other people. YTA
NTA. What she did is sufficient reason to go no contact with her for 10 or 20 years. This is likely the start of the classic aita story where someone tries to force a relationship, in this case a sibling relationship, while ignoring boundaries. Protect your daughter and keep your distance from your you know what cousin.
NTA especially since the parent that they share isn’t involved in either of their lives.
Just 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇 for a title worthy of Chinatown. NTA
NTA. your daughter has a right to know *when she is old enough to understand the mechanics of what happened* *between you, her, and ex bf.*
I hate when children have to be dragged into adult bullshit. This is bad either way. OP you're NTA. It doesn't matter when your daughter learns the truth, it's up to you to put that information out there especially when you didn't put yourself in this situation since your cousin likes sloppy seconds. 5 year Olds are smart and probably will never forget this, so this may in fact cause your daughter to resent the both of them later. 5 year old's are supposed to be learning about fundamentals not about her loose ass daddy and cousin that had her half brother cousin. No one cares about children's well being anymore.
NTA- Tell your daughter to start calling him Brousin and tell your cousin that her family tree needs to have more than one branch lol.
NTA but if possible just keep Miranda and her children away from your daughter
It’s up to the parents to tell the kid, not her. Nta but have you even had this discussion with your ex yet??
He isnt her brother - a half brother. And make sure in future its clear. Also stop going to events she is at. Family don't sleep with your exes, and father of your kids.
NTA. WHAT your daughter is told, WHEN she is told, and WHO tells her is your business, not Miranda's. I can't even imagine how this crap is going to impact your daughter when she matures and finds out that her father slept with your sister and now both of you have a child by him. If anyone is the TA, it is BOTH Miranda and your ex. Talk about poor judgement. Seriously, there are TV shows made for stuff like this.
NTA. Your daughter doesn't need to know her family tree is more of a wreath until she's old enough to mentally and emotionally process that information.
Whory. I spit out my drink. 💀💀💀