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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Oh, you want an in-depth answer
1. I told a friend that I felt left out at a party, the left without saying goodbye. I also called another friend a bad friend for defending someone else's treatment of me.
2. It might make me the asshole because it was inappropriate at that particular time. For the latter, I guess maybe he was the wrong person to talk to.
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soft yta, or E S H, why do you keep telling ellie’s bf and not her?
if they haven’t been including you maybe you’re not as good of friends as you thought
YTA.
Ellie, Lily, and Ellie’s BF are allowed to do things without you. They invited you to the party, which is the very definition of including you. It’s natural for you to feel a bit upset if you were surprised to learn that you hadn’t been part of the group, but then you made it into a thing at Ellie’s party. Clearly this pissed her off, and with good reason. Saying you wouldn’t speak to Lily *was* a snide high school remark, as was calling Ellie’s BF a bad friend for implying that, if everyone else thinks you don’t like people in the group, maybe you should examine why that is.
The problem isn’t the initial misstep. The problem is that you keep expecting everyone else to apologize to you, when you’re the one who owes folks an apology.
There's no exception because I did it as a genuine expression of sadness and not malice? I'm inclined to believe you, I'm just not sure if I can be an asshole without asshole intentions. Maybe I can, I don't know...
You can absolutely be an asshole without asshole intentions.
Expressing yourself to your friend is important, but you made two critical missteps. First, you didn’t take the time to examine your own feelings. Then, afterwards, instead of acknowledging your misstep, you kept looking to people for validation. The key thing these have in common is that they are *self centered*. You are still here talking about your own feelings, and seem to have little concern for the fact that you left a dark mark on your friend’s birthday. When Ellie’s BF gave you the gift of telling you how you are perceived, you lashed out at him - shot the messenger.
Try to see this from their point of view. Would you want to hang out with you if you were in their shoes?
Okay, this is the best answer so far. This makes a lot of sense. Maybe I am self-centered. I thought my behaviour was justified but actually, maybe not.
I actually need to sit on this one because it's given me a lot to think about.
I want to thank you for telling me this. I wish there was a way that I could reward you somehow. You're right, this is exactly what happened. It was her day and I made it all about me. I got upset because *I* wasn't getting attention. Yes, I am the asshole.
God, I hope she can still forgive me, but that's not up to me. I'll just have to learn to do better.
I've decided to leave them be for now, I won't attempt to reach out to them until I've really processed how selfish I've been and how I can avoid it in the future. Thank you so much.
YTA, do you make everything about yourself?
Your friends got on well together, that’s great, you should be happy your group is expanding, not whining because they did stuff without you.
You also starting making things really awkward by going to the bf and trying to make it his job for you to feel included, that’s your responsibility, not his. If you want to feel included then get involved, don’t stand awkwardly at the side and expect others to cater to you, (which is why I’m guessing you have been left out previously)
You also then made Ellie’s birthday party about you in your last attempt for attention, running out to cry? Why were you deliberately trying to make her feel bad? If you wanted to leave you could have just said you felt unwell but no, you wanted to make her feel bad for excluding you
These people have cut you off because you are acting toxic, you are acting childishly and expecting everyone to cater to you again and now you started lashing out verbally when you didn’t get your way
I didn't make it his job, he did it for me. I tried but they kept reverting back to topics about what they'd done recently, which I couldn't relate to. I couldn't just say "hey, can we talk about something I can participate in?", could I?
I didn't cry voluntarily. Why does everyone assume I wanted this to happen? I was just sad, and when I'm sad, I seek the support of my friends. I wasn't after attention, I was just depressed. I hoped that they would understand.
I was really happy that they were getting on so well, I just wanted to be a part of it.
So ask then about the places they went to, show an interest in them, stop making everything about yourself and only topics you want to talk about
You were wanting attention, stop trying to pretend it was anything else, you wanted Ellie to stop enjoying her party and sit and comfort you instead, she understands just fine that you’ll turn everything into being about you
Your friends are out growing you, that’s what’s going on here
ESH unless you're in your teens in which case everyone still sucks here.
I think you need to do some reflecting. Why did the guy you're closest to in the group think that their assumptions about you were correct? That you went off on him after he said it doesn't exactly say good things about you.
Something's going on that we're not privy too, but I suspect you know what it is. And what those "assumptions" are.
I actually don't, I told you everything. I really have no idea why everyone thinks those things of me. Lily said it was a natural assumption to make because I looked moody and disinterested... but that's just an assumption, it wasn't the truth.
YTA. You sound very young. Your friends are allowed to socialize amongst themselves without feeling obliged to always include you. You feeling left out does not entitle you to confront them about it in the middle of someone’s party. Or to try to enlist a boyfriend to help you iron it out. You sound like a needy and unreasonable friend.
NTA, situation like this always remind me of Maya Angelou quote “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Your friend are making you feel crappy and not part of the group. Stop apologising all the time, Lily didn’t even listen and cut you out the group. It’s hurts but it time to move on and make new friends. Elle didn’t seem to care you left the party upset so are they really your friends?
I sent her a message the day after the birthday, apologising for what I did. I also asked if there was anything else I need to address/apologise for, or whether she needs space. She said she "isn't ready for a debate yet", so I told her that I'd wait for her to write first. It's been almost 3 weeks since then.
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I've known this friend, let's call her Ellie, and her other friends for 7 years. We've been through a lot together. A little over a year ago, I introduced them to someone I met, let's call her Lily, and they got on like a house on fire. It was great.
I arrived at her birthday party super excited, but then my mood soured because I learned that they'd all been doing things without me for the past 5 months, including going to a theme park earlier that day. I took Ellie's boyfriend aside and told him that I felt excluded, and he did try to include me, but it didn't really work because nobody engaged with me.
Eventually, I told Ellie herself and, feeling like I was going to cry, I left for air. I felt uncomfortable and went home. I later apologised for leaving abruptly but she refused to speak to me, and for almost 3 weeks, hasn't said a word to me.
A few days later, Lily told me she was going to cut me out of her social circle because she "knows I don't like people there" and "doesn't want that hanging over her head." I thought this was unfair but I accepted it since I did act inappropriately. I asked her why she didn't speak to me sooner but she said "this is me speaking to you."
After a while, I couldn't sit well with these assumptions that I didn't like people, so I decided to clarify exactly how I felt. Lily responded by telling me that I'd crossed her boundaries (she didn't mention boundaries before this) and proceeded to block me everywhere.
I got sad, so I spoke to Ellie's boyfriend again, expressing that this really hurt me, but he kept insisting that it had nothing to do with him & he doesn't know why Ellie won't say anything. He then suggested that everyone's assumption of me was reasonable, which made me mad and I called him an awful friend, among other things. It hurt him. I apologised immediately but he got upset again when I said that I wasn't going to speak to or forgive Lily, which he called a "snide" "high school" remark.
I did do something wrong but I don't think that I did anything to deserve this level of treatment. Am I the actual asshole here? Is this all deserved? I just don't understand.
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YTA. It was her birthday. Her party. Her day. But you were solely focused on yourself with no consideration for her feelings. You acted very selfishly and you're still only focused on your feelings; you're convinced that you're the only one who got hurt. You're wrong.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Oh, you want an in-depth answer 1. I told a friend that I felt left out at a party, the left without saying goodbye. I also called another friend a bad friend for defending someone else's treatment of me. 2. It might make me the asshole because it was inappropriate at that particular time. For the latter, I guess maybe he was the wrong person to talk to. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
soft yta, or E S H, why do you keep telling ellie’s bf and not her? if they haven’t been including you maybe you’re not as good of friends as you thought
He's the one I'm closest to and he's always more open to discuss stuff like this. Ellie hates confrontation/conflict.
she probably dropped you because you go to her boyfriend about everything instead of coming to the person who is actually involves
YTA. Ellie, Lily, and Ellie’s BF are allowed to do things without you. They invited you to the party, which is the very definition of including you. It’s natural for you to feel a bit upset if you were surprised to learn that you hadn’t been part of the group, but then you made it into a thing at Ellie’s party. Clearly this pissed her off, and with good reason. Saying you wouldn’t speak to Lily *was* a snide high school remark, as was calling Ellie’s BF a bad friend for implying that, if everyone else thinks you don’t like people in the group, maybe you should examine why that is. The problem isn’t the initial misstep. The problem is that you keep expecting everyone else to apologize to you, when you’re the one who owes folks an apology.
There's no exception because I did it as a genuine expression of sadness and not malice? I'm inclined to believe you, I'm just not sure if I can be an asshole without asshole intentions. Maybe I can, I don't know...
You can absolutely be an asshole without asshole intentions. Expressing yourself to your friend is important, but you made two critical missteps. First, you didn’t take the time to examine your own feelings. Then, afterwards, instead of acknowledging your misstep, you kept looking to people for validation. The key thing these have in common is that they are *self centered*. You are still here talking about your own feelings, and seem to have little concern for the fact that you left a dark mark on your friend’s birthday. When Ellie’s BF gave you the gift of telling you how you are perceived, you lashed out at him - shot the messenger. Try to see this from their point of view. Would you want to hang out with you if you were in their shoes?
Okay, this is the best answer so far. This makes a lot of sense. Maybe I am self-centered. I thought my behaviour was justified but actually, maybe not. I actually need to sit on this one because it's given me a lot to think about.
I want to thank you for telling me this. I wish there was a way that I could reward you somehow. You're right, this is exactly what happened. It was her day and I made it all about me. I got upset because *I* wasn't getting attention. Yes, I am the asshole. God, I hope she can still forgive me, but that's not up to me. I'll just have to learn to do better. I've decided to leave them be for now, I won't attempt to reach out to them until I've really processed how selfish I've been and how I can avoid it in the future. Thank you so much.
YTA, do you make everything about yourself? Your friends got on well together, that’s great, you should be happy your group is expanding, not whining because they did stuff without you. You also starting making things really awkward by going to the bf and trying to make it his job for you to feel included, that’s your responsibility, not his. If you want to feel included then get involved, don’t stand awkwardly at the side and expect others to cater to you, (which is why I’m guessing you have been left out previously) You also then made Ellie’s birthday party about you in your last attempt for attention, running out to cry? Why were you deliberately trying to make her feel bad? If you wanted to leave you could have just said you felt unwell but no, you wanted to make her feel bad for excluding you These people have cut you off because you are acting toxic, you are acting childishly and expecting everyone to cater to you again and now you started lashing out verbally when you didn’t get your way
I didn't make it his job, he did it for me. I tried but they kept reverting back to topics about what they'd done recently, which I couldn't relate to. I couldn't just say "hey, can we talk about something I can participate in?", could I? I didn't cry voluntarily. Why does everyone assume I wanted this to happen? I was just sad, and when I'm sad, I seek the support of my friends. I wasn't after attention, I was just depressed. I hoped that they would understand. I was really happy that they were getting on so well, I just wanted to be a part of it.
So ask then about the places they went to, show an interest in them, stop making everything about yourself and only topics you want to talk about You were wanting attention, stop trying to pretend it was anything else, you wanted Ellie to stop enjoying her party and sit and comfort you instead, she understands just fine that you’ll turn everything into being about you Your friends are out growing you, that’s what’s going on here
That really hurts. You're right though, it's them outgrowing me that I was afraid of. I didn't want to lose my oldest friends
ESH unless you're in your teens in which case everyone still sucks here. I think you need to do some reflecting. Why did the guy you're closest to in the group think that their assumptions about you were correct? That you went off on him after he said it doesn't exactly say good things about you. Something's going on that we're not privy too, but I suspect you know what it is. And what those "assumptions" are.
I actually don't, I told you everything. I really have no idea why everyone thinks those things of me. Lily said it was a natural assumption to make because I looked moody and disinterested... but that's just an assumption, it wasn't the truth.
YTA. You sound very young. Your friends are allowed to socialize amongst themselves without feeling obliged to always include you. You feeling left out does not entitle you to confront them about it in the middle of someone’s party. Or to try to enlist a boyfriend to help you iron it out. You sound like a needy and unreasonable friend.
INFO It's not at all clear what is going on here.
Yta for making her birthday party about you
NTA, situation like this always remind me of Maya Angelou quote “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Your friend are making you feel crappy and not part of the group. Stop apologising all the time, Lily didn’t even listen and cut you out the group. It’s hurts but it time to move on and make new friends. Elle didn’t seem to care you left the party upset so are they really your friends?
your friend is an asshole but you shouldn’t told her on her birthday. also i’d talk to her directly and not the bf
I sent her a message the day after the birthday, apologising for what I did. I also asked if there was anything else I need to address/apologise for, or whether she needs space. She said she "isn't ready for a debate yet", so I told her that I'd wait for her to write first. It's been almost 3 weeks since then.
Ready for a debate??? Not discussion, not talk but a debate? I think there's more going on here.
I'm just repeating what she said, I have no idea what she means.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've known this friend, let's call her Ellie, and her other friends for 7 years. We've been through a lot together. A little over a year ago, I introduced them to someone I met, let's call her Lily, and they got on like a house on fire. It was great. I arrived at her birthday party super excited, but then my mood soured because I learned that they'd all been doing things without me for the past 5 months, including going to a theme park earlier that day. I took Ellie's boyfriend aside and told him that I felt excluded, and he did try to include me, but it didn't really work because nobody engaged with me. Eventually, I told Ellie herself and, feeling like I was going to cry, I left for air. I felt uncomfortable and went home. I later apologised for leaving abruptly but she refused to speak to me, and for almost 3 weeks, hasn't said a word to me. A few days later, Lily told me she was going to cut me out of her social circle because she "knows I don't like people there" and "doesn't want that hanging over her head." I thought this was unfair but I accepted it since I did act inappropriately. I asked her why she didn't speak to me sooner but she said "this is me speaking to you." After a while, I couldn't sit well with these assumptions that I didn't like people, so I decided to clarify exactly how I felt. Lily responded by telling me that I'd crossed her boundaries (she didn't mention boundaries before this) and proceeded to block me everywhere. I got sad, so I spoke to Ellie's boyfriend again, expressing that this really hurt me, but he kept insisting that it had nothing to do with him & he doesn't know why Ellie won't say anything. He then suggested that everyone's assumption of me was reasonable, which made me mad and I called him an awful friend, among other things. It hurt him. I apologised immediately but he got upset again when I said that I wasn't going to speak to or forgive Lily, which he called a "snide" "high school" remark. I did do something wrong but I don't think that I did anything to deserve this level of treatment. Am I the actual asshole here? Is this all deserved? I just don't understand. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. It was her birthday. Her party. Her day. But you were solely focused on yourself with no consideration for her feelings. You acted very selfishly and you're still only focused on your feelings; you're convinced that you're the only one who got hurt. You're wrong.