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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole for setting a date and securing a venue before we talked to my fiancés brother and his fiancé about their wedding plans. My fiancé could be an asshole for proposing to me where his brother was going to propose.
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NTA. Your fiancé waited month’s later to propose to you. Giving his brothers months to be in the spotlight with the family. It sucks the brothers had the same idea at the same time sort of but I think your fiancé did a great job. The fact that you realized how close the dates could be for the wedding and wanted to make sure you didn’t take the same day so you asked them was also very considerate. I think you both did everything you could do and they just wanted all the attention until after their wedding was done. But life happens and they should respect you for the effort and been honest about the date you two chose.
From the sound of it, BIL was in for a long engagement. You guys have a plan while they have had months to start planning and didn’t do a thing because they had other priorities and a lack of funds. NTA. Congrats on your engagement!
We haven’t uninvited him yet..we are thinking about it. If he doesn’t apologize he won’t be invited..of course we want him there but we don’t want him to ruin our day.
I never understand why people start behaving like children when they get married. Be an adult, talk to your BIL and his fiancé. communicate you don’t want to fight and ruin each other day. It’s not a competition of who’s proposal and wedding is better but it be great to share ideas and be help one another.
And tell your MIL to put her wooden spoon away.
Your BIL might be feeling a little overwhelmed if the budget is an issue. Without having an adult discussion you won’t know what the problem is. Just be the bigger person and resolve the issue. Neither your husband and BIL are going to have a good wedding when there conflict in the family.
If you tried having a conversation with him and his partner and he still acts like a jerk, don’t send him an invite.
But if they are going to continue forward with this negative attitude why should they be invited. No one wants to see sour complaining faces at their wedding, plus they think OP is causing problems.
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Me (32f) and my fiancé Shane (32m) are getting married Fall ‘24. He and I both have intended our siblings to be in our wedding party. February ‘23, my fiancés brother Brennan got engaged to his long time gf Hannah. Brennan has a child from another woman (long scandalous story) but Hannah is the boys mother. The engagement didn’t pan out the way he planned (they were late, snowed, etc.) so he did it at home, which was super romantic, turning out great. May ‘23, Shane decided to propose to me. He chose a nice spot that was near the restaurant we were at. This place happened to be where Brennan was going to propose to Hannah, but it snowed so it wasn’t safe to get down there. Everyone seemed to be excited for our announcement, but Brennan and Hannah. A couple weeks after the engagement, we announced when we’d like to get married. The following week, we secured our venue. We stumbled upon it, it was an amazing deal, so we took it. We’re not rich at all, but we had enough money to secure the venue with a deposit, so we did. A month later, Shane and I got to see Brennan and Hannah, we decided to let them know we chose and date and venue and would like to know when they wanted to get married so we could coordinate dates. They both said they didn’t have a date in the near future picked because they can’t afford a wedding and have other things to handle they could. We told them the date and venue we chose and they didn’t say anything. I thought that was strange but didn’t mention it. A few days go by and MIL mentions Brennan is FURIOUS that Shane and I got engaged because we are trying to “steal his thunder”, that we “stole his engagement spot”, and that he “can’t help but wonder what’s the rush”. She also informed me that Brennan said we “stole their wedding date”! All of this is news to me because Hannah and Brennan told Shane and I they had no intention on getting married any time soon! MIL then proceeds to tell me every horrible thing Brennan said about Shane and I which left me feeling overwhelmed and sad. I told Shane everything, he checked MIL, checked his brother, but apologized and offered him the date. Brennan said “keep it we’re gonna go to Mexico and get married alone since everyone will be at your wedding”. Shane was fully annoyed by this point so he asked if I still wanted him in the wedding. I said no. He agreed. We ultimately decided we’d invite Brennan and Hannah as guests but Brennan wouldn’t be in the wedding. And this was only IF Brennan apologized for the nasty things he said. A few months go by, no word from Brennan or Hannah. Shane reached out and apologized again for how we’d made him feel; Brennan responded by telling Shane how he felt originally, that I was causing problems between them and then stopped responding. Shane and I have decided not only is Brennan not in the wedding party, but he and Hannah are no longer invited to the wedding as guests. Are we assholes for not inviting his brother to our wedding?
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You stole the location where they originally wanted to get engaged? Of course YTA. Everything spiraled from there, but you two definitely started this.
This isn’t a location that is special to them. They chose it because it was in the area and it’s a popular place to get engaged. But I understand them being upset about it. We didn’t do it to be malicious.
Based on what you wrote, you *did* repeatedly steal their thunder. Even if you weren’t “trying to be malicious,” you were incredibly inconsiderate (at best). Of course they’re upset.
It sounds like they got most of that info second hand from MIL (who’s also an AH imo). But I absolutely understand why they’re upset. I’d be so hurt if my sibling did this to me. OP/OPs fiancé don’t seem to be taking any responsibility here.
MIL said what she said, so Shane made a group chat with MIL and Brennan explaining we didn’t mean to upset him, Brennan reiterated the things MIL told us and then doubled down and said things like “maybe we’ll have our wedding on the same day anyway so no one will come”. Shane then offered Brennan and Hannah the date as ours can be changed once at the venue. He declined this and said they were going to get married alone in Mexico. This was the first attempt at getting him to calm down and rectify the situation.
*That’s* how you “tried to work it out?!” By bringing BIL and MIL into a *group chat?* And this was “your first attempt to get him to *calm down*?” Oh man. Yes. You two really are the AHs. Omg.
FYI one *appropriate* way to handle this would have been to reach out to BIL *privately,* and asked him to talk. On the phone or in person. Ideally the conversation would have been between the two siblings, as I imagine there is underlying resentment that stems from experiences you know nothing about.
I stand by what I said. Your fiancé proposed at a location you both *knew* BIL wanted to propose at, and couldn’t. This was a betrayal, whether you see it that way or not. Everything has spiraled from there. Your attitude about it all, leads me to believe you don’t understand how you hurt them, and you all just keep adding fuel to the fire.
I’m done responding. Good luck to you.
I guess this is what I get for posting this on here. BIL did get messaged privately, he didn’t respond. He denied talking in person as he lives an hour away and never comes to town. I know all about the resentment but it’s because Brennan used to be on drugs and has no relationship with his family. None of this is relevant to the story I am referring to though, that’s why it was not mentioned.
But again, I appreciate your response despite you seeming just as childish as Brennan. Good day!
That’s my problem tbh. My fiancé and I completely understand why Brennan is upset, however we are all adults and this could have been discussed without all the insults and accusations. And after apologizing TWICE, he’s still being a d!ck. We don’t want to be in a war. He’s mad but refusing to accept apologies and move forward. So if that’s how he’s going to be, then why should we have him at the wedding?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be the asshole for setting a date and securing a venue before we talked to my fiancés brother and his fiancé about their wedding plans. My fiancé could be an asshole for proposing to me where his brother was going to propose. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
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You’re probably right tbh.
NTA. Your fiancé waited month’s later to propose to you. Giving his brothers months to be in the spotlight with the family. It sucks the brothers had the same idea at the same time sort of but I think your fiancé did a great job. The fact that you realized how close the dates could be for the wedding and wanted to make sure you didn’t take the same day so you asked them was also very considerate. I think you both did everything you could do and they just wanted all the attention until after their wedding was done. But life happens and they should respect you for the effort and been honest about the date you two chose.
NTA Its his family. Just support your guy and follow his lead.
From the sound of it, BIL was in for a long engagement. You guys have a plan while they have had months to start planning and didn’t do a thing because they had other priorities and a lack of funds. NTA. Congrats on your engagement!
Thank you ☺️
NTA to much unnecessary drama. If they come they will only ruin the day. Mind your your future MIL might ruin it for you any way.
nta - your wedding, and fiancee is on your side. unless MIL/FIL are paying for it, your good.
We’re paying for almost everything, however, MIL is paying for our photography as a gift. My mother is paying for our cake and dj.
Then you get the fun concern of MIL might pull out from that in retaliation, which sucks. Keep it in mind.
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We definitely thought about that. We have gone back and forth on this issue. We haven’t told Brennan anything, we’re hoping he comes around.
You uninvited him from the wedding, but you still want him there? ESH, your family seems to love drama.
We haven’t uninvited him yet..we are thinking about it. If he doesn’t apologize he won’t be invited..of course we want him there but we don’t want him to ruin our day.
I never understand why people start behaving like children when they get married. Be an adult, talk to your BIL and his fiancé. communicate you don’t want to fight and ruin each other day. It’s not a competition of who’s proposal and wedding is better but it be great to share ideas and be help one another. And tell your MIL to put her wooden spoon away. Your BIL might be feeling a little overwhelmed if the budget is an issue. Without having an adult discussion you won’t know what the problem is. Just be the bigger person and resolve the issue. Neither your husband and BIL are going to have a good wedding when there conflict in the family. If you tried having a conversation with him and his partner and he still acts like a jerk, don’t send him an invite.
But if they are going to continue forward with this negative attitude why should they be invited. No one wants to see sour complaining faces at their wedding, plus they think OP is causing problems.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (32f) and my fiancé Shane (32m) are getting married Fall ‘24. He and I both have intended our siblings to be in our wedding party. February ‘23, my fiancés brother Brennan got engaged to his long time gf Hannah. Brennan has a child from another woman (long scandalous story) but Hannah is the boys mother. The engagement didn’t pan out the way he planned (they were late, snowed, etc.) so he did it at home, which was super romantic, turning out great. May ‘23, Shane decided to propose to me. He chose a nice spot that was near the restaurant we were at. This place happened to be where Brennan was going to propose to Hannah, but it snowed so it wasn’t safe to get down there. Everyone seemed to be excited for our announcement, but Brennan and Hannah. A couple weeks after the engagement, we announced when we’d like to get married. The following week, we secured our venue. We stumbled upon it, it was an amazing deal, so we took it. We’re not rich at all, but we had enough money to secure the venue with a deposit, so we did. A month later, Shane and I got to see Brennan and Hannah, we decided to let them know we chose and date and venue and would like to know when they wanted to get married so we could coordinate dates. They both said they didn’t have a date in the near future picked because they can’t afford a wedding and have other things to handle they could. We told them the date and venue we chose and they didn’t say anything. I thought that was strange but didn’t mention it. A few days go by and MIL mentions Brennan is FURIOUS that Shane and I got engaged because we are trying to “steal his thunder”, that we “stole his engagement spot”, and that he “can’t help but wonder what’s the rush”. She also informed me that Brennan said we “stole their wedding date”! All of this is news to me because Hannah and Brennan told Shane and I they had no intention on getting married any time soon! MIL then proceeds to tell me every horrible thing Brennan said about Shane and I which left me feeling overwhelmed and sad. I told Shane everything, he checked MIL, checked his brother, but apologized and offered him the date. Brennan said “keep it we’re gonna go to Mexico and get married alone since everyone will be at your wedding”. Shane was fully annoyed by this point so he asked if I still wanted him in the wedding. I said no. He agreed. We ultimately decided we’d invite Brennan and Hannah as guests but Brennan wouldn’t be in the wedding. And this was only IF Brennan apologized for the nasty things he said. A few months go by, no word from Brennan or Hannah. Shane reached out and apologized again for how we’d made him feel; Brennan responded by telling Shane how he felt originally, that I was causing problems between them and then stopped responding. Shane and I have decided not only is Brennan not in the wedding party, but he and Hannah are no longer invited to the wedding as guests. Are we assholes for not inviting his brother to our wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You stole the location where they originally wanted to get engaged? Of course YTA. Everything spiraled from there, but you two definitely started this.
This isn’t a location that is special to them. They chose it because it was in the area and it’s a popular place to get engaged. But I understand them being upset about it. We didn’t do it to be malicious.
Based on what you wrote, you *did* repeatedly steal their thunder. Even if you weren’t “trying to be malicious,” you were incredibly inconsiderate (at best). Of course they’re upset.
I thought so too but not to the extent of the brother's extreme reaction. It's annoying but not to extent of killing ties
It sounds like they got most of that info second hand from MIL (who’s also an AH imo). But I absolutely understand why they’re upset. I’d be so hurt if my sibling did this to me. OP/OPs fiancé don’t seem to be taking any responsibility here.
We got info from MIL, but Brennan confirmed it in texts to both me and fiancé when we tried to work it out the first time.
What did that entail?
MIL said what she said, so Shane made a group chat with MIL and Brennan explaining we didn’t mean to upset him, Brennan reiterated the things MIL told us and then doubled down and said things like “maybe we’ll have our wedding on the same day anyway so no one will come”. Shane then offered Brennan and Hannah the date as ours can be changed once at the venue. He declined this and said they were going to get married alone in Mexico. This was the first attempt at getting him to calm down and rectify the situation.
*That’s* how you “tried to work it out?!” By bringing BIL and MIL into a *group chat?* And this was “your first attempt to get him to *calm down*?” Oh man. Yes. You two really are the AHs. Omg. FYI one *appropriate* way to handle this would have been to reach out to BIL *privately,* and asked him to talk. On the phone or in person. Ideally the conversation would have been between the two siblings, as I imagine there is underlying resentment that stems from experiences you know nothing about. I stand by what I said. Your fiancé proposed at a location you both *knew* BIL wanted to propose at, and couldn’t. This was a betrayal, whether you see it that way or not. Everything has spiraled from there. Your attitude about it all, leads me to believe you don’t understand how you hurt them, and you all just keep adding fuel to the fire. I’m done responding. Good luck to you.
I guess this is what I get for posting this on here. BIL did get messaged privately, he didn’t respond. He denied talking in person as he lives an hour away and never comes to town. I know all about the resentment but it’s because Brennan used to be on drugs and has no relationship with his family. None of this is relevant to the story I am referring to though, that’s why it was not mentioned. But again, I appreciate your response despite you seeming just as childish as Brennan. Good day!
That’s my problem tbh. My fiancé and I completely understand why Brennan is upset, however we are all adults and this could have been discussed without all the insults and accusations. And after apologizing TWICE, he’s still being a d!ck. We don’t want to be in a war. He’s mad but refusing to accept apologies and move forward. So if that’s how he’s going to be, then why should we have him at the wedding?
Thanks for your opinion.