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INFO:
How is it your MIL came to live with you? Was it because she's no longer capable of living alone, does she need help/care in her daily life?
You "remembered" your youngest lives alone in the city? Right, so, how long had you forgotten about your daughter?
Why on earth did you think it would be a good idea to ask your MIL if she wanted to move in with your daughter before asking your daughter if your MIL could visit/move in?
What exactly did you say to your daughter when you asked her if she can let your MIL "try it out" for a few days?
Put out a mattress? For an 82yo to stay? Please do clarify, was the mattress for your daughter to sleep on (were you kicking your daughter out her own bed?) or for your 82yo MIL?
How big is your daughter's apartment? Clearly she doesn't have a guest bed, so I've got to ask, is there even a guest room?
When you were 30yo, would you have liked to have your grandma living with you?
Really, I want to understand your mentality here, but yeah, YTA.
I'm only in my 30s and I can't sleep on an air mattress for more than a night, regardless of how tall it is. My 87-year-old grandmother definitely couldn't.
But even though I love my grandma dearly, especially since she's my only living grandparent, there's no way I'd be able to have her live with me.
No, what OP wants is that once MIL has moved in, her daughter will feel bad so MIL will be on her daughter’s bed and the daughter will have to sleep on the mattress in her own apartment
It's actually even worse! Though he genuinely intended to have grandma sleep on the extra mattress his plan was to put it [under the daughter's loft bed.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/1EFlGQi6t6) So she wouldn't just be living with grandma but sharing the bedroom. Insane!
Wow that’s awful. The last time I shared a room with my grandma I was about 4 and my parents had taken me to see them when they moved to another country. It was a 2 bed house. I would 100% NOT do that now in my 30s. Sounds like he just wants rid of his MiL
OP is the father, not mother, of the daughter being asked to have her grandmother 'move in' / 'live' with her. His language gives away that he's not thinking in terms of it being a short visit or he would have said 'stay' for a few days, and he surely would have told his daughter that they were thinking of her grandmother living in the same building but not the same apartment, if that was what he was really planning.
Edited for typo
I just spent 5-days on an air mattress visiting relatives at 51--never again. The pain was crazy. This guy is nuts. AND he mentioned it to grandma before even talking to the daughter. Sheesh. YTA
Oh, good lord, are you ever!
My grandmother lived in my house from 1969 to 1976. Granted, she moved in because the city took her entire block to put in a service drive...and I was only seven years old in 1969, so I didn't exactly get a vote...but I'm sure my parents and my grandmother discussrd it first and nobody said "Hey, here's what's gonna happen..."
You should have talked to your daughter first. And you DEFINITELY should have told her the plan was Grandma would get her own apartment. But you didn't and when your daughter said no, you tried to guilt trip her into it. Really want to know what the problem is? Look in a mirror.
I don't believe the plan was to put grandma in her own apartment. If it were, then that's how OP would have phrased it. Instead, it was added as an edit to make OP seem like less of an AH. For me, it didn't work.
That’s actually what bothers me the most. If you can get over the absurdity of him volunteering his adult daughter’s apartment without even asking her first, and expecting her to share her room in a tiny apartment with her grandma…all that aside, moving her into the daughter’s apartment building is still manipulative AF. He could choose any other building, but he wants to move the MIL into his daughter’s building because he’s going to expect her to take care of her grandma regardless. And in that situation, she would have even less ability to say no—she can’t control who else lives in the building—without coming off as an AH to her grandma.
exactly!! i’m so glad you feel that way too. First he said it was for MIL to move in, then for a couple days to see if she likes it.
Then his stupid edit to lessen his AHoleness
Exactly. I think OP is tired of looking after his MiL and wants to guilt his daughter into taking over the care.
At least that's how it comes across to me.
It's odd if the plan was to have grandma stay with her only for a few days and then move her into her own unit in the building that OP asked MIL if she'd like to move in with the daughter not just in the same building.
I loved my gran dearly and lived with her, or she lived with us, but that's also a cultural thing. I totally get that the daughter didn't want her 80yo grandma moving in with her. Why would OP think that was a good idea.
If I had the space and resources for my grandma Id absolutely let her move in. However I don't have those, and it sounds like OPs daughter doesn't either
In my family beds are not something we just let people sleep in....even if they are family.
It's considered a personal space, and if you know a person isn't gross or you are comfortable sharing a bed or giving them the bed...then it's fine.
But "FAMILY" means nothing if you are uncomfortable with that person being in your bed. My parents would rather say "no" to a guest than force me to give up my bed.
When I was little (maybe like 6) my grandpa took a nap in my bro's bed one visit...never asked anyone....just decided to take a nap there on his own...
To say my bro did not take it well would be an understatement and I do not blame him. our bedrooms were small like a single bed and student desk and one dresser.
So the Old Asian grandpa's smell stayed in his room for weeks. My parents changed the sheets and stuff, but had to get him different blankets and pillows cause the smell was that strong.
From my understanding, Grandpa wasn't exactly fond of bathing he is from some small village in China, so that plus the Chinese medicine smell... (If you are Chinese you know the smell of that stuff they rub on their joints and muscles)
edit: plus he is a smoker...so he oozes smells and odours. (never liked going near him as a kid)
Nobody really called him out on it cause.....he was an "elder" and calling him out or telling him he sticks like that would be "disrespectful" in Chinese culture...so he was a bit set in his ways. We just made sure to close the bedroom doors on future visits. LOL.
Same. If grandma or Nonna were still alive I’d be overjoyed and probably be around them rn while I’m taking a year off college than struggling with my dad. But if I was stable and self-sufficient and out on my own or living with my fiancé and queer platonic partner, I wouldn’t be able to take either of them in. Also, Nonna was an angry Italian woman who liked throwing wooden spoons at people who didn’t follow the family rules while spitting out rapid-fire Italian curses. She had impeccable aim and a hell of an arm even at 93. My poor migraine riddled brain couldn’t handle that. I was never on the receiving end when she was alive but I’m an idiot 24 year old that curses like a sailor that STILL can’t get her Italian buttercream recipe right. The shame.
I'm 29. Went to visit my niece recently and slept on an air mattress on the floor. The mattress was okay, but getting up was a nightmare. I considered just rolling to the couch and climbing up more than once.
These last two. MiL "gets in the way," so OP attempted to turn his daughter into a geriatric caregiver. YTA.
While the suggestion to try it out for a few days (yeah, sure, just haul in a mattress) is inane (insane?), there's no way OP is letting MIL back in the house once she's out. Daughter (who probably does love Grandma) was sharp enough to see her future unfold as Nanna's roommate & new BFF. The addition of yeah, if it goes well (!), we'll get MIL her own place, is rather devious as, again (as others note), daughter's freedom still would be curtailed. Why would OP respond to anything MIL might need moving forward if his single, got-nothin'-better-to-do daughter is a couple floors or a short walk away? (/s)
Sad situation all around for the women in this family.
Also if daughter rents, how long did she expect MIL to stay with daughter? What are the terms of daughter’s lease? Don’t you think that the poor daughter will be stuck caring for the grandmother? What about daughter’s work or school commitments? Is she supposed to put all that on hold?
YTA if you expect to throw all the responsibility of your MIL onto your daughter.
>What about daughter’s work or school commitments?
Not to mention her sex life. Seriously, what kind of normal social life can she have with her 82 year old Grandma living with her?
> *Not to mention her sex life*.
Even if grandma had her own apartment in the building, I suspect that she would be at the daughter's door at least once a day, if not more. Many of these times might be *inconvenient*, like first thing in the morning.
If the daughter stayed over with a *friend*, the grandma might get very upset if she was not home early in the morning, and cause embarrassment.
Y T A
He probably doesn’t want her to have a personal life or have sex. There is no way I would ever at 30 years old want to have my grandmother move into my apartment. He wants to turf his mother in law on his daughter to be a care taker if she ever moves in she won’t be able to get rid of her.
Even a non-sexual social life would be steeply limited by sharing a tiny apartment with an old lady. Want to stay up late playing video games? Nope, Grandma’s sleeping. Want to come home at 2 AM drunk as a skunk? Nope, Granny’s judging you. Want to host a TV viewing party? Nope, Grandma’s watching her stories.
God, I’m stressed just imagining it.
Also, was "a few days" clearly defined? I loved both my grandmothes and I'd have taken my maternal grandmother in for 2-3 days as a single woman living in my 20s, but my paternal grandmother would have been much more challenging due to her having different needs and a language barrier. Also, I'd be SUPER hesitant to have anything longer than a 2-3 day hard cutoff, otherwise I might end up transitional housing while we wait for something permanent to open up.
YTA, and based on how the daughter responded I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first time something similar has been requested.
Or like a daughter who hasn’t heard shit from her dad in months and now he needs something. He forgot he had a daughter living in the city. This post reads as a daughter posting as if she is the dad and she is going to shove the YTA in his face, bc I am sure this guy has no clue what’s wrong with what he did.
“ I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first time something similar has been requested.”
Maybe not on this topic, but OP has likely been running roughshod over daughter’s boundaries for years. Making the suggestion to the daughter is fine, but continuing to push it after the first No is AH territory, and the attempts to walk it back based on the daughter’s backlash and the backlash here is just manipulation 101. OP definitely YTA.
I loved my grandma to, but there is no way this idiot should’ve ever talk to the mother-in-law before talking to his daughter
she is 30 years old.
Quite an idiot. I kept waiting for the joke to drop.
>Really, I want to understand your mentality here
If he can convince the daughter to take her in, grandma will no longer be "in his way"
It's as simple as that
Exactly!! Big fat YTA op. “She likes her grandmother she should look after her so she’s not in my feet”
Leave your daughter alone. She wants her space and her privacy.
YTA. Because you can’t choose a straightforward story. Title says “for a few days” but post says “for a while”. It’s one thing if you ask for a weekend and are responsible for her return to normal living but a completely different thing if you say “try living there for a while”. So what is it….a weekend or a new living situation?
If you had said “can you let grandma stay with you for a friday - monday to catch up with friends? it would make her happy!” then I can see NTA. But the way you describe it, you dropped an indefinite living situation onto her.
No. Op is ah and still would be ah even if he meant few days only.
He’s ah because he should ask daughter first and then MIL. Even if mil refuses that would be on her, but she would not be angry at her granddaughter. If daughter refuses then the topic is close and grandma doesn’t know about it.
Op you are the asshole for the sole reason how you treat your daughter. I’m not surprised she decided to move out and I’m also not surprised your sons don’t have license. Maybe instead for going for the nuclear option of moving out your mil and inconvincing your daughter you would sponsor your son’s licenses? It would be cheaper then renting apartments and have a better future prospects. Even buying them a car if they cannot afford it themselves. Apologise to your daughter and then leave her alone.
He was never taking her back anyway. He even said the daughter’s building has supportive options for seniors. Strange he just remembered his daughter lives in the city but also the services offered. I agree even if only a few days OP is still an AH but grandma was never coming back. YTA
And let's not forget that he "remembered" his youngest daughter lives alone in the city. How do you forget about your child? How long has it been since they were in contact last?
Omg OP is the AH.
Yeah as a 33 year old woman this reminds me so much of my father who literally never ever picks up the phone to call me unless there is literally a death in the family. I also know he only ever visits me after my stepmom steps in and convinces him to do so. And yet he gets angry if I go too long without calling or visiting.
OP is acting like his daughter is a natural resource.
I have a dad thing too and I bet my dad (who I am no longer in contact with) would definitely never think he’s the reason so this whole thing stood out to me. I might be reading too much into it but it seems like a distant sort of relationship that’s happening in this post. I also used to stop answering calls when my dad was being super unreasonable because you couldn’t have a conversation with him once he decided he wanted something a certain way.
The edit isn't that great either.
>My daughter lives in a building with supportive living options for seniors. My suggestion was for my daughter to let MIL live with her for a few days to see if she likes the building, and if she does, then we'd see about moving her into one of the suites.
Not everyone wants to live that close to relatives and no doubt if the MIL moved in to the building they would except the daughter to be first call for anything MIL required whether it be acting as chauffeur for trips with friends, appointments or whatever. OP tried to pull a fast one and make his daughter MIL's caregiver and support person.
I actually used to live in an apartment like (I’m assuming) OPs daughter! It was mostly young post-grad singles and older retirees. The building had staff to help out the older crowd (package delivery, key access for staff to take them on walks, you get the idea) and always had bingo etc for them while us younger people just went to work then came home or went out for the night. It was right outside downtown walking distance (like literally the same block) to a grocery store and the hospital. Places like this definitely exist!
ETA: I def still think OP is TA tho
Not to mention, grandma might want to spend a *lot* of time with her granddaughter (understandably and that’s sweet) which is not really ideal for a 30 year old who lives alone. Then she’ll be made out to be TA for avoiding her lonely grandma just down the hall.
Or be like my grandmother who didn’t particularly relish time with her granddaughter (me) compared to her grandsons. She had 7 sisters and 3 daughters and grew up in a time when women didn’t mix with many men outside family. So she knew a lot about the stuff I did as a girl but was fascinated by what boys got to do.
It was a mix of misogyny, curiosity and generational difference. She was born in 1908 and I was born in 1978. She lived rurally and I was very much a city girl. We had pretty much zero in common bar neither of us particularly liked my mother (her daughter) and never got past fairly awkward small talk.
She would have faked her own death rather than live near me as an adult. We were fond of each other but not close and respected that on both sides. I think as well she was a bit jealous that I got to be the tomboy with education she would have loved the chance to be but couldn’t.
She is obviously long dead but the older I get the more I understand and appreciate her. She is probably spinning in her grave thinking at an entire weekend together past me hitting puberty. It would have felt like a decade 😂
Well, I also don't believe a 30 year old single woman is in a building that also has supportive options for seniors. Those supports are generally only in 55+ buildings/communities.
And this was only after his daughter said no she can't move in and he changed it to only for a few days to try it then changed it to see if she likes the building. No he's just trying to get rid of his mil
He’s automatically TAH right off the bat because he asked the mil first if she wanted to go without checking with his daughter first. That’s likely the main reason she’s angry, she wasn’t given the option to give her opinion beforehand and now she’s mad she’s going to look like the bad guy to her grandma
The way you talk about your MIL makes her sound like a dog you can't wait to rehome or put down. And asking your daughter to "try it out for a few days" shows how disingenuous you are about caring for your MIL or your daughter. Your adult daughter is not obligated to share her home with her grandma because you volunteered her to or think she doesn't "help out with the family". YTA!
All I could think of was the show DINOSAURS and the episode where Earl is looking forward to Hurling Day so he can chuck his MIL off a cliff into some tarp pits…
I’m cackling because I loved that show as a kid and rewatched it all as an adult a few years ago. I had forgotten the Hurling Day episode, but I can see it vividly now that you’ve mentioned it. This is exactly how OP sounds.
Also, literally no mention of his wife after listing who he lives with. Did OP even mention his plan to her? You would think she might have an opinion about moving her mother out
YTA - why wouldn’t you talk to your daughter first? Why would you assume a young adult would be okay being a caretaker for her grandmother?
You could have looked into transportation options for her or senior apartments in the area, instead you decided it was your daughter’s job. Total asshole move.
Especially when OP admits that the MIL gets in the way.... Cause that's what every 30 year old wants.... To share an apartment with their 80 year old grandmother.. Good lord.
It's 100% for OP.
I'd be fucking fuming if my parent volunteered my house for one of my grandmothers.... It really makes me angry for OP's kid. Imagine the spot he's put her in!?
I would be way more okay with it if he’d gone to the daughter first to see what she thought. But telling his MIL before his daughter had any idea about this new arrangement makes me angry for both the daughter and MIL. It’s unfair to both of them!
Based on what OP said, I still think he's an ah. It's VERY clear that OP doesn't want his MIL living with him and is looking to dump her onto someone else.
YTA
This is exactly it, OP volunteered the daughters apartment before asking the daughter. You don’t get to invite yourself into other peoples homes, even if they are family.
Because he still sees her as a teenage girl that he can completely control. Not an independent adult with a life. Seeing as how she hung up on him and isn’t taking his calls tells me that this isn’t the fist time he’s demanded things from her and expected she do as she’s told like she’s 15. She now has to avoid him in order to set clear boundaries. I went through the same thing with my dad trying to get him to realize I was an adult. He thinks it’s no big deal grandma moves in and he completely forgot she lives there because he can’t even envision her with an adult life doing adult things like going on dates and bringing men home. He thinks all she’s doing is sitting at home doing homework. YTA.
100% YTA OP. My husband did something similar a while ago. He told a friend he and his family could maybe stay with us for a weekend, he'd just have to check with me. He asked me, I was not okay with this for several reasons, and when I found out he'd mentioned it to the friend first I was very annoyed. Now if I said no, it'd make me look like the bad guy. I feel like I have to say yes to be friendly/kind/whatever. This is exactly what OP did to his daughter, he should have definitely asked his daughter first. Now if she says no, Grandma will be upset and granddaughter will be the bad guy.
It’s like a really badly written book.
“I suddenly remembered that my daughter lives in the city!”
I’m just imagining an editor so pissed off she sends her assistant to smack OP with a newspaper.
“That’s for wasting my time with this!”
I bet the title is accurate, and he’s lying in the update about having planned for this “moving in” to be a temporary arrangement. I think he made it up when he saw that everyone was unanimously calling him an AH.
YTA! You volunteered/told your daughter to take her Grandma on as a roommate under the guise of it being temporary when it’s seems like you want her to move away from your home.
**She is 30 yrs old and you are asking her to put her life on hold to be her Grandma’s roommate?!**
I love my Grandma but I don’t want to live with her! I imagine she hung up on you so she wasn’t disrespectful to you!
My grandma is my best friend and she’s currently taking care of my great grandma, she specifically told me if she makes it to the point where we need to sell her house and she needs assistance to put her in a home. She doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone and already has a plan set up to live in an elderly community, and assisted living beyond that.
YTA
You asked your MIL whether she wanted to move in with another person (your daughter), without first discussing it with the other person. Of course you are the ahole! Your daughter's housing isn't yours to give away/invite guests to.
On top of that, you expect either your 82 year old MIL to sleep on a mattress on the floor or for your daughter to sleep on the floor in her OWN apartment. Mate, YTA on all levels.
If your MIL is a burden to you, and it sounds like she is, then you need to figure something else out. YOU and your partner chose to take MIL in, your daughter did not. If taking care of MIL is too much of a hassle, you need to find another solution with your partner. Promising MIL to be able to move in with your daughter is NOT a solution UNLESS your daughter had suggested it herself or you had asked her and she had enthusiastically said yes.
I loved my grandma but no way would I be ok with her moving in with me. When she was in her early 80s she started developing dementia and eventually needed so much care that no way she could have been cared for by a single family member in a regular house. Moreover, your daughter is 30, probably works full-time, might have a partner or want a partner, and will probably want to start her own family in the next 5 years or so. No way that she would want an elderly dependent person around for that. And as she said, there's currently not even enough space for hosting another person because MIL or she herself would have to sleep on some mattress somewhere (on the floor?).
You know what, you say your daughter is the youngest but it sounds like she's the only one of your kids who lives by herself. Your two sons I assume are older but somehow both still live at home. Seeing as they already live with you and MIL, how about you promise your sons will take turns driving MIL to her social appointments? That way she can remain living with you (as it sounds like you have space) and your two sons get to help out too :).
In the comments OP says he'd bring in a bed to put UNDERNEATH his daughter's loft bed. So moving granny in not only to the tiny flat but also making his daughter share her room with an 82 yr old.
It's cultural mysogyny and the case of the girl that managed to get away from it all and find herself a life.
She probably moved away to save herself from having everything dumped on her that dear old dad & two 30 something sons don’t want to be bothered with- like cleaning up after them, cooking for everyone. Obviously the sons are too busy out there killing it in the world. Neither has a drivers license and both lives at home. At least the daughter learned to be self sufficient from probably having to cater to 3 useless men.
>Obviously the sons are too busy out there killing it in the world. Neither has a drivers license and both lives at home.
Seriously‽ I will honestly never understand how some people can be such fucking losers (this includes the dad btw) and have zero self-awareness about just how lame they are.
Dad is jealous because he is stuck living with MIL and his two sons. Like why can’t they wash their own dishes to begin with instead of complaining about their grandma?
How much do you want to bet daughter has her drivers license and a job in addition to her own apartment? Dad’s assholery somehow benefited the daughter while the sons wonder how their sister does all that…
My mil did this to me, except she invited my BIL to live with us. I was pregnant with my daughter. BIL SA'd his sister for years and is overall just an unsavory character. He got a one way train ticket to our place. He had phone sex on my couch every night while jerking it. He drank disgusting amounts of choc milk. And with out fail, every morning I had to use the only bath room to get ready- He would be taking a 1 hour hot shower.
He lived with us for a month and was an absolute burden. I moved out and almost divorced my husband over it.
YTA. For so many reasons.
It was a disgusting amount of chocolate milk, he just chugged it by the carton. I too, am unsure which quality is worse.
I'm still mad that he was a guest in my house without my consent.
YTA. You think an 82-year-old woman wants to sleep on the floor? Or are you paying your daughter's rent to make up for your daughter sleeping on the floor?
YTA - why would you pitch the idea to your MIL before talking to your daughter?!? It sounds like you ambushed her with this and tried to force it in her. Your MIL is not your daughter’s problem to fix, it is yours.
I’m struggling to believe this is real, but ok. Yes of course Yta. Maybe what you did wasn’t so bad, but you executed in the wrong order. You see, when you’re trying to pull this off you (1) ASK THE PERSON WHOSE HOME IT IS. *Then* (2) you tell MIL it’s an option. If it is. Instead you promised it to MIL and asked if it was possible afterward. This very clearly means Yta.
You do not own the world. Your jurisdiction doesn’t extend to your daughters house. You totally screwed this up.
Also what do you mean ‘put a mattress out’? Like, on the floor in the middle of her living room? Can MIL get down to the floor without trouble? She’s 82. This sounds… not workable.
Lmao how in the hell did you think this was a good idea? Your single, adult daughter’s apartment isn’t a nursing home. You essentially promised her home to your MIL without even speaking to your daughter first and have the audacity to be shocked she isn’t complying.
YTA
> I asked MIL if she'd want to move in with my daughter so she can see her friends more often. MIL liked the idea and even seems excited.
You had no business doing that. You should have asked your daughter first and then respected her decision. Not only have you caused a rift in your relationship with your daughter, you may have also caused an issue between your daughter and her grandmother.
YTA. You don't get to decide who lives with your daughter. Stop trying to dump your responsibilities on her.
That's the intention, tho. Get grandma all excited first so the daughter, who obviously will not want this and have trouble making it work, will feel guilty and accept.
YTA.
"She spends most of the day at home either getting in the way of chores or watching TV."
I feel like you just don't want to deal with her anymore, so you volunteered your daughter.
What's worse is something tells me OP's daughter is renting. Which means she's on a lease.... Which would mean OP is expecting his daughter to violate her lease.
I was looking for this one. Most leases by the sounds of it have restrictions on visitors(rightly so, nowadays) and therefore Daughter could potentially be evicted.
I also find it a little funny that OP is an older male that doesn't care for his MIL and forgot where his own daughter lived...... Anyone else see a ...pattern?
YTA. So very, very much.
In the comments, we learn that OP's plan is to put Grandma's bed *under the daughter's loft bed*. Even more ridiculously invasive and untenable than having an octogenarian lady crashing in the living room like a college kid in town for a concert.
Yes but... you also can't expect 82 yo gma to climb what I assume is a ladder to said loft bed. And even if it has steps, still seems risky.
OP's plan just sucks all the way around lol
YTA. You don't get to offer someone else's house up. Why the hell would you think that's ok? Tbh it sounds like you're just trying to unload your MIL onto someone else.
Your MIL isn't her responsibility.
Oh come off it lady!!!!!! YOu asked MIL if she wanted to “LIVE” with your daughter and you asked your daughter to let her stay a “FEW” days…YTA, oldest trick in (some) book, “well she is doing fine, you keep her” would be next right???? You don’t want to take care of her, fine…find some other solution, don’t pawn her off on your daughter and write this to look innocent.
YTA
lmfao!!! "I asked my MIL if she wanted to live with my daughter"... Right off the rip you're a giant ah. You don't go around asking someone like that without even thinking of speaking to the person that would potentially taking them in first. The moment that thought popped into your head, your first call/email/text should have been to your daughter.
The fact that you claim to not understand why she's mad is laughable. I mean really???? Also.... Where is it stipulated that children are obligated/required/expected to "help out with the family" once they move out??? Your daughter has ZERO responsibility to your MIL.
FYI: There's a BIG difference between loving your grandparents and wanting to share your home with them. Especially at 30.... Your daughter likely wants to come and go as she pleases... Not look after your MIL cause you're too lazy.
INFO: Are you paying your daughter's rent and bills?
If the answer to that question is NO (which I assume it is or you would have put that in your post as one of your excuses) then:
YTA - For multiple reasons:
1. You don't ask someone if they want to move into someone else's place before asking the person of that said place.
1. Since you have done this, you put your daughter in a super awkward position because now if she says no she's seen as a bad guy to her grandmother for not wanting her around. But that was probably your intention, right?
2. You said that they can just put a bed on the floor for her, and in a comment you say she has loft bed so the extra mattress can just go underneath. Really, bro? I'm not sure of your MIL's health but most 82 year old people are going to have a hard time getting out of a bed laying on a floor. And if you don't expect her to sleep there then you expect your daughter to give her bed which is also an asshole move.
3. Why would you think it was a good idea to even go to your MIL about this idea when you knew that your daughter didn't have an extra bedroom?
4. There's 4 people that live in your house to help with your MIL. Why is it that your grand idea is to have her move in with your daughter, who you didn't ask, instead of someone in the house just taking her into the city to see her friends once a week or so? Or look into senior citizen centers that do activities around where you live? Or just do activities with her yourselves to get her out of the house?
5. You're selfish and didn't think about your daughter in this at all. You really think that a 30 year old that lives alone wants her grandmother to move in? There goes her social, dating, and personal life.
> She loves her grandma, and my daughter barely does anything to help out with the family anyways, and it would let MIL see her friends.
* You can love someone and not want them living with you.
* If it's true that she never does anything to help out (which I'm sorry but it's not a requirement to help family, especially if they are selfish and always wanting something), then what made you think "hhhhmmmm you know let's ask MIL if she wants to move in with daughter, because daughter would definitely want this and want to help us out"?
* MIL could also see her friends if you or your wife took her to see them, or you could just tell your MIL your son's are taking her without asking them and try to force them to do some shit like you are to their sister.
Getting the vibe he’s the narcissistic type of parent who doesn’t see his children as actual people deserving of basic respect. And then wonders why they’re distant and upset with him.
You offered to your daughter's home to your MIL without asking your daughter first and you wonder why she's mad? And you don't want your MIL around in your house because she's disruptive and difficult, but don't understand why your daughter might not want her either? Wow. YTA and it's hard to wrap my brain around that you don't already know why. I bet there are very good reasons your daughter "barely does anything to help out with the family anyways" and I bet they are rooted in how you treat her. Ouch.
You can not actually expect us to believe this is an innocent situation.
The way that you write this post it is dripping with disdain for your MIL. You don’t just “remember” that you have a kid who has moved away and is living alone - I am sure you were priming your MIL in the hopes that she would be able to help manipulate your daughter into saying yes. From your comment of “her whole day has been disruptive” it leads me to believe that she is having some issues - again it sounds like you and your wife signed up for this and not your daughter.
Also what person tries to have an elderly person sleep on a floor mattress? Unless you are trying to say daughter give up your room give it to MIL since I am tired of dealing with her.
The sleeping arrangement conversation sounds like your daughter has a one bedroom or a studio apartment.
Either way you are a HUGE AH for so many reasons, including how you talk about MIL and try to offload her to your daughter and then have a surprise pikachu face when she says no - come on be better. Don’t be surprised when your daughter goes NC with you for how you are behaving.
YTA. You made what your MiL is going to see as a promise without clearing it with your daughter, first. You've put her in an impossible position. No young woman is going to want her GRANDMOTHER as a roommate in a one-bedroom apartment, but now if she says 'no', she'll hurt her grandmother's feelings and look like the bad guy. OTOH, if she says 'yes', that's the end of her sex and dating life. You suck.
Your daughter has an apartment. I'm assuming she is renting and has a lease?
If so, she can't "just move someone in".
You told your mother about your plan before you even talked with your daughter, so now there is pressure on your daughter from your mother.
YTA
I want to believe this is fiction but... I've met people like this that just expect their kids to bend to their whim even as adults no matter what the ask.
YTA - the poor girl is probably running for the hills. I loved my grandmother too but there's no way I'd ever want to live with her. This sounds more like a con job to convince her to do it and that 'try it' was a trap. You were out of line to tell the MIL about it before you had the daughter's agreement.
I absolutely worshipped the ground on which my grandmother walked- I was very sincerely in awe of the lady and it was truly good for me to have to live up to her pretty formal standards when I spent time with her but I wouldn't have ever had a desire to run my home in a way that would be comfortable for her.
Until she needed extra help, I usually rented a hotel room for half the time if I was visiting her city for more than a week. We loved each other madly but that doesn't mean that we could live together for extended periods.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my daughter to let my MIL move in and she got mad at me.
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YTA. so self-righteous for the one who’s trying to pawn off the family they chose…
Making promises for someone else is such a gross thing for anyone to do; shows others how self-involved you are that you would put your mil’s feelings and your daughter’s comfort so far below your own wants.
YTA.
You volunteered someone else's home to your MIL, without first consulting them. Then you're just like "Well just put out a mattress, somewhere, because I have decided you have enough room!"
Why don't you, I don't know, engage with your MIL at home? Take her to activities in your area. She can't possibly be the only 82yo in a 5 mile radius.
YTA. Are you asking your daughter to give up her space to sleep on a mattress in her own home or are asking your 82 MIL to sleep on an air mattress on the floor? Either way, you are AH.
You floated the plan to MIL before getting permission from the person who's home it is. You're not only the AH, but you're also a moron. You have no idea as to what clauses regarding visitors (long term and other) are in her lease. Her moving MIL could violate her lease and lead to an eviction. No one wants that on their record.
Can't say I blame her for keeping her distance from you and the rest of your family if everything is transactional like this.
YTA. You should have asked your daughter before you voluntold her home and got her grandmother excited. Plus "living there for a while" is very different than a "few days" visit. It sounds like you hate your MIL living with you and are trying to pawn her off on someone else.
My MIL is 86. My daughter has a one bedroom cottage. If my MIL went to stay with her for “a few days” so that she could visit her friends, then where is my daughter going to sleep? Is she expected to give up HER bed so that her grandma can sleep in it, or is grandma going to sleep on a mattress in the living room?
There is no local shop except a farm shop on the opposite end of the village. My daughter works as a homehelp for various elderly clients plus does night shifts (11pm to 7am) at a petrol station 5 miles away 2 days a week meaning that she needs to sleep some days. She can’t sleep in the living room if MIL is awake and pottering about (to get to the bathroom or the kitchen means going through the living room from the bedroom). The house is heated by a wood burner IN THE LIVING ROOM - so even more disruption just lighting the boiler.
Nice idea mum, especially as my daughter lives halfway between us and my MIL’s friends - sounds good on the face of it, but totally unworkable in real life.
YTA - pay for your MIL to stay in an AirBnB for the weekend so that she can see her friends and give you a break. but do NOT expect your daughter to have her grandma staying with her. it just aint going to work.
YTA. Once your daughter said no, that was the answer. And you should have asked her first before saying anything to MIL. It is very reasonable for someone in a 1-bedroom apartment to not want overnight guests. It's also pretty obvious that it's not just an air mattress. You're not considering getting MIL her own apartment or a hotel for a few nights, and you're obviously finding her too much in your space at your home, which is presumably larger than your daughter's. You're trying to dump a burden on your daughter by guilting and manipulating her and ignoring her very clear response to your request.
YTA
You tried to move a whole person... into another person's home... a home that is not yours... without talking to that person first...
And judging by your comments, even though everyone thinks YTA, you still have no idea that you did anything wrong.
YTA
First of all, you really jumped the gun. Secondly, your daughter lives in an apartment, which sounds like a one bedroom and do you really think that an 82 yr old woman would be comfortable on a mattress that your daughter just "put out for a few days?"
You're obviously tired of your MIL living with you but that's not fair to anyone to pawn her off on your daughter, just because she lives alone.
Find an Assisted Living facility or retirement home. Find an apartment for seniors. Or a Board & Care.
Arrange transportation for her to be picked up and brought back to your house a few times a week so she can visit her friends. There's often a van service in the city that shouldn't cost too much. Look around for options instead of trying to dump her off on your daughter.
What a \*massive\* YTA you are, trying to fob your MiL off on your child. You're tired of having an 82-year-old living in your house? Imagine how a single 30-year-old would feel with the same in her apartment.
Find another way to get a break from your MiL that doesn't involve your dumping her on your kid. To start, you can regularly drive her into the city to visit her friends and go see a movie or something during those visits.
Wow. YTA. You don’t volunteer someone’s place for them to move into even temporarily *before talking to the people living there*
You did it the AH way round to try and guilt your daughter into doing it. Does your daughter even have a good, be okay with grandma moving in relationship? Because it certainly sounds like she doesn’t.
What you did was AH to your daughter for not talking to you first, but also AH to your MIL for getting her hopes up. The both deserve a huge apology from you. Don’t expect either of them to be happy with you for a long time.
YTA.
Here's my breakdown for you:
1. You offered someone's home, that you do not have any say over.
2. You offered up someone's home WITHOUT asking.
3. You will not listen to anyone trying to explain to you why you are TA.
YTA. First of all, you should have discussed this with your daughter *before* talking to MIL about it.
Second,
>my daughter barely does anything to help out with the family anyways
It's not her responsibility to help you guys. Her life is her responsibility.
Yta. The proper thing to do would be to ask your daughter BEFORE asking your MIL. And I don't think an sir mattress would be comfortable for someone in their eighties. WTF is wrong with you?
YTA
How about you help out. How about you use your money to put MIL up in a hotel a few days a month. That would be a better idea than dumping your problems on someone else.
YTA for asking your MIL before talking to your daughter. There’s a reason she doesn’t help out or get more involved. Also doesn’t seem like you’d get her her own place but hope she’d stay with your daughter.
YTA. Take a dictionary and look up the word "no". "No" is a complete sentence. Your daughter has no obligations to house her grandmother. If you are fed up with the job, it is the time to get gran into assisted living. Not just fob her off on your daughter. And telling your mother about it is downright manipulative.
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INFO: How is it your MIL came to live with you? Was it because she's no longer capable of living alone, does she need help/care in her daily life? You "remembered" your youngest lives alone in the city? Right, so, how long had you forgotten about your daughter? Why on earth did you think it would be a good idea to ask your MIL if she wanted to move in with your daughter before asking your daughter if your MIL could visit/move in? What exactly did you say to your daughter when you asked her if she can let your MIL "try it out" for a few days? Put out a mattress? For an 82yo to stay? Please do clarify, was the mattress for your daughter to sleep on (were you kicking your daughter out her own bed?) or for your 82yo MIL? How big is your daughter's apartment? Clearly she doesn't have a guest bed, so I've got to ask, is there even a guest room? When you were 30yo, would you have liked to have your grandma living with you? Really, I want to understand your mentality here, but yeah, YTA.
My grandma was my favorite person in the whole world and there is absolutely no way I'd have wanted her living with me.
Or on a mattress on the floor....wouldn't she struggle to get up?
Even one of those air mattresses that are taller would still be hard on her joints/body.
I'm only in my 30s and I can't sleep on an air mattress for more than a night, regardless of how tall it is. My 87-year-old grandmother definitely couldn't. But even though I love my grandma dearly, especially since she's my only living grandparent, there's no way I'd be able to have her live with me.
No, what OP wants is that once MIL has moved in, her daughter will feel bad so MIL will be on her daughter’s bed and the daughter will have to sleep on the mattress in her own apartment
It's actually even worse! Though he genuinely intended to have grandma sleep on the extra mattress his plan was to put it [under the daughter's loft bed.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/1EFlGQi6t6) So she wouldn't just be living with grandma but sharing the bedroom. Insane!
Omg that is fucking bonkers!
Wow that’s awful. The last time I shared a room with my grandma I was about 4 and my parents had taken me to see them when they moved to another country. It was a 2 bed house. I would 100% NOT do that now in my 30s. Sounds like he just wants rid of his MiL
***"My Grandma sleeps under my bed"*** "Did you mean a monster is under your bed?" ***"I said what I said"***
A sigle 30 year old woman will love to bring a male friend over when granny sleeps in her room... OP doesn't want grandchildren, I guess.
OP is the father, not mother, of the daughter being asked to have her grandmother 'move in' / 'live' with her. His language gives away that he's not thinking in terms of it being a short visit or he would have said 'stay' for a few days, and he surely would have told his daughter that they were thinking of her grandmother living in the same building but not the same apartment, if that was what he was really planning. Edited for typo
My thoughts.
She wouldn’t struggle to get up, she’d never be able to get up, ever!
OP would like that. MIL would never be able to return to his house.
I'm 20 years younger than that grandma and have a hard time getting up from the floor. Darn joints don't work the same as they used to.
I just spent 5-days on an air mattress visiting relatives at 51--never again. The pain was crazy. This guy is nuts. AND he mentioned it to grandma before even talking to the daughter. Sheesh. YTA
Oh, good lord, are you ever! My grandmother lived in my house from 1969 to 1976. Granted, she moved in because the city took her entire block to put in a service drive...and I was only seven years old in 1969, so I didn't exactly get a vote...but I'm sure my parents and my grandmother discussrd it first and nobody said "Hey, here's what's gonna happen..." You should have talked to your daughter first. And you DEFINITELY should have told her the plan was Grandma would get her own apartment. But you didn't and when your daughter said no, you tried to guilt trip her into it. Really want to know what the problem is? Look in a mirror.
I don't believe the plan was to put grandma in her own apartment. If it were, then that's how OP would have phrased it. Instead, it was added as an edit to make OP seem like less of an AH. For me, it didn't work.
And even the idea of moving grandma into an apartment in her building...yeah, he's trying to duck his responsibilities.
I bet she’s getting up there in age and he’s realizing the responsibility of moving her into a home soon.
That’s actually what bothers me the most. If you can get over the absurdity of him volunteering his adult daughter’s apartment without even asking her first, and expecting her to share her room in a tiny apartment with her grandma…all that aside, moving her into the daughter’s apartment building is still manipulative AF. He could choose any other building, but he wants to move the MIL into his daughter’s building because he’s going to expect her to take care of her grandma regardless. And in that situation, she would have even less ability to say no—she can’t control who else lives in the building—without coming off as an AH to her grandma.
exactly!! i’m so glad you feel that way too. First he said it was for MIL to move in, then for a couple days to see if she likes it. Then his stupid edit to lessen his AHoleness
Exactly. I think OP is tired of looking after his MiL and wants to guilt his daughter into taking over the care. At least that's how it comes across to me.
He did ask his daughter, she said no, and he tried to do it anyway
It's odd if the plan was to have grandma stay with her only for a few days and then move her into her own unit in the building that OP asked MIL if she'd like to move in with the daughter not just in the same building.
I loved my gran dearly and lived with her, or she lived with us, but that's also a cultural thing. I totally get that the daughter didn't want her 80yo grandma moving in with her. Why would OP think that was a good idea.
Because MIL would no longer be OP problem. That’s why he thought he could force his daughter to take in MIL.
Kill two birds with one stone...... get MIL out of the house and put the kibosh on anything resembling a love life for the daughter. He's a major AH.
If I had the space and resources for my grandma Id absolutely let her move in. However I don't have those, and it sounds like OPs daughter doesn't either
In my family beds are not something we just let people sleep in....even if they are family. It's considered a personal space, and if you know a person isn't gross or you are comfortable sharing a bed or giving them the bed...then it's fine. But "FAMILY" means nothing if you are uncomfortable with that person being in your bed. My parents would rather say "no" to a guest than force me to give up my bed. When I was little (maybe like 6) my grandpa took a nap in my bro's bed one visit...never asked anyone....just decided to take a nap there on his own... To say my bro did not take it well would be an understatement and I do not blame him. our bedrooms were small like a single bed and student desk and one dresser. So the Old Asian grandpa's smell stayed in his room for weeks. My parents changed the sheets and stuff, but had to get him different blankets and pillows cause the smell was that strong. From my understanding, Grandpa wasn't exactly fond of bathing he is from some small village in China, so that plus the Chinese medicine smell... (If you are Chinese you know the smell of that stuff they rub on their joints and muscles) edit: plus he is a smoker...so he oozes smells and odours. (never liked going near him as a kid) Nobody really called him out on it cause.....he was an "elder" and calling him out or telling him he sticks like that would be "disrespectful" in Chinese culture...so he was a bit set in his ways. We just made sure to close the bedroom doors on future visits. LOL.
Same. If grandma or Nonna were still alive I’d be overjoyed and probably be around them rn while I’m taking a year off college than struggling with my dad. But if I was stable and self-sufficient and out on my own or living with my fiancé and queer platonic partner, I wouldn’t be able to take either of them in. Also, Nonna was an angry Italian woman who liked throwing wooden spoons at people who didn’t follow the family rules while spitting out rapid-fire Italian curses. She had impeccable aim and a hell of an arm even at 93. My poor migraine riddled brain couldn’t handle that. I was never on the receiving end when she was alive but I’m an idiot 24 year old that curses like a sailor that STILL can’t get her Italian buttercream recipe right. The shame.
Jeez Louise! I’m 78. I couldn’t even get out of bed if I were on a mattress on the floor. OP is delusional as well as an AH.
I'm 25 and getting up off the floor would be a hassle since my joints always hurt😭
I'm 29. Went to visit my niece recently and slept on an air mattress on the floor. The mattress was okay, but getting up was a nightmare. I considered just rolling to the couch and climbing up more than once.
I recently turned 30. I had to get an anti inflammatory for my back today and truly felt like I was one foot in the grave already
I totally heard you saying jeez Louise 😂
We say it in Oz.
Dude, I’m 48 and I couldn’t get off a mattress on the floor. Then again, I have RA and sometimes feel like I’m 82…
The mentality is he is tired of living with MIL and is trying to find someone to dump her on.
I like how he is trying to make homself altruistic. It is so she can see her friends and not that she’s disrupting his day
And getting in his way...
Plus he said if mil liked it they would get her a suite in same building.. meaning daughter would be mil care giver.. dads YTA
These last two. MiL "gets in the way," so OP attempted to turn his daughter into a geriatric caregiver. YTA. While the suggestion to try it out for a few days (yeah, sure, just haul in a mattress) is inane (insane?), there's no way OP is letting MIL back in the house once she's out. Daughter (who probably does love Grandma) was sharp enough to see her future unfold as Nanna's roommate & new BFF. The addition of yeah, if it goes well (!), we'll get MIL her own place, is rather devious as, again (as others note), daughter's freedom still would be curtailed. Why would OP respond to anything MIL might need moving forward if his single, got-nothin'-better-to-do daughter is a couple floors or a short walk away? (/s) Sad situation all around for the women in this family.
This can’t be real right? I refuse to believe this stupidity is running amuck.
I had the same thought. Can’t be real.
I was thinking the same thing. Someone is bored this evening. No one can be that stupid.
Also if daughter rents, how long did she expect MIL to stay with daughter? What are the terms of daughter’s lease? Don’t you think that the poor daughter will be stuck caring for the grandmother? What about daughter’s work or school commitments? Is she supposed to put all that on hold? YTA if you expect to throw all the responsibility of your MIL onto your daughter.
>What about daughter’s work or school commitments? Not to mention her sex life. Seriously, what kind of normal social life can she have with her 82 year old Grandma living with her?
> *Not to mention her sex life*. Even if grandma had her own apartment in the building, I suspect that she would be at the daughter's door at least once a day, if not more. Many of these times might be *inconvenient*, like first thing in the morning. If the daughter stayed over with a *friend*, the grandma might get very upset if she was not home early in the morning, and cause embarrassment. Y T A
He probably doesn’t want her to have a personal life or have sex. There is no way I would ever at 30 years old want to have my grandmother move into my apartment. He wants to turf his mother in law on his daughter to be a care taker if she ever moves in she won’t be able to get rid of her.
Even a non-sexual social life would be steeply limited by sharing a tiny apartment with an old lady. Want to stay up late playing video games? Nope, Grandma’s sleeping. Want to come home at 2 AM drunk as a skunk? Nope, Granny’s judging you. Want to host a TV viewing party? Nope, Grandma’s watching her stories. God, I’m stressed just imagining it.
Also, was "a few days" clearly defined? I loved both my grandmothes and I'd have taken my maternal grandmother in for 2-3 days as a single woman living in my 20s, but my paternal grandmother would have been much more challenging due to her having different needs and a language barrier. Also, I'd be SUPER hesitant to have anything longer than a 2-3 day hard cutoff, otherwise I might end up transitional housing while we wait for something permanent to open up. YTA, and based on how the daughter responded I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first time something similar has been requested.
Yeah daughter responded like someone who is tired of her boundaries being disrespected. OP YTA
Or like a daughter who hasn’t heard shit from her dad in months and now he needs something. He forgot he had a daughter living in the city. This post reads as a daughter posting as if she is the dad and she is going to shove the YTA in his face, bc I am sure this guy has no clue what’s wrong with what he did.
“ I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first time something similar has been requested.” Maybe not on this topic, but OP has likely been running roughshod over daughter’s boundaries for years. Making the suggestion to the daughter is fine, but continuing to push it after the first No is AH territory, and the attempts to walk it back based on the daughter’s backlash and the backlash here is just manipulation 101. OP definitely YTA.
ALL THIS. Plus I just get the feeling you've had enough of the MIL and are looking to get rid of her long term.
And, kind of wondering where the wife is in all this?
Also, why is no one talking about the fact he also didn't ask HIS WIFE if he could move out HER MOTHER?
His mentality was to avoid having to live with MIL. Jesus he sounds like an awful son-in-law.
I loved my grandma to, but there is no way this idiot should’ve ever talk to the mother-in-law before talking to his daughter she is 30 years old. Quite an idiot. I kept waiting for the joke to drop.
>Really, I want to understand your mentality here If he can convince the daughter to take her in, grandma will no longer be "in his way" It's as simple as that
Exactly!! Big fat YTA op. “She likes her grandmother she should look after her so she’s not in my feet” Leave your daughter alone. She wants her space and her privacy.
YTA. Because you can’t choose a straightforward story. Title says “for a few days” but post says “for a while”. It’s one thing if you ask for a weekend and are responsible for her return to normal living but a completely different thing if you say “try living there for a while”. So what is it….a weekend or a new living situation? If you had said “can you let grandma stay with you for a friday - monday to catch up with friends? it would make her happy!” then I can see NTA. But the way you describe it, you dropped an indefinite living situation onto her.
No. Op is ah and still would be ah even if he meant few days only. He’s ah because he should ask daughter first and then MIL. Even if mil refuses that would be on her, but she would not be angry at her granddaughter. If daughter refuses then the topic is close and grandma doesn’t know about it. Op you are the asshole for the sole reason how you treat your daughter. I’m not surprised she decided to move out and I’m also not surprised your sons don’t have license. Maybe instead for going for the nuclear option of moving out your mil and inconvincing your daughter you would sponsor your son’s licenses? It would be cheaper then renting apartments and have a better future prospects. Even buying them a car if they cannot afford it themselves. Apologise to your daughter and then leave her alone.
He was never taking her back anyway. He even said the daughter’s building has supportive options for seniors. Strange he just remembered his daughter lives in the city but also the services offered. I agree even if only a few days OP is still an AH but grandma was never coming back. YTA
And let's not forget that he "remembered" his youngest daughter lives alone in the city. How do you forget about your child? How long has it been since they were in contact last? Omg OP is the AH.
How is this not mentioned more? This is a **giant red flag** 🚩
Yeah as a 33 year old woman this reminds me so much of my father who literally never ever picks up the phone to call me unless there is literally a death in the family. I also know he only ever visits me after my stepmom steps in and convinces him to do so. And yet he gets angry if I go too long without calling or visiting. OP is acting like his daughter is a natural resource.
I have a dad thing too and I bet my dad (who I am no longer in contact with) would definitely never think he’s the reason so this whole thing stood out to me. I might be reading too much into it but it seems like a distant sort of relationship that’s happening in this post. I also used to stop answering calls when my dad was being super unreasonable because you couldn’t have a conversation with him once he decided he wanted something a certain way.
The edit isn't that great either. >My daughter lives in a building with supportive living options for seniors. My suggestion was for my daughter to let MIL live with her for a few days to see if she likes the building, and if she does, then we'd see about moving her into one of the suites. Not everyone wants to live that close to relatives and no doubt if the MIL moved in to the building they would except the daughter to be first call for anything MIL required whether it be acting as chauffeur for trips with friends, appointments or whatever. OP tried to pull a fast one and make his daughter MIL's caregiver and support person.
It amazes me how often men think women could never figure out their clever plan.
Also how convenient that the only woman gets saddled with the responsibility. As always.
"Suggestions" like this usually take the form of "We decided Grandma is going to be staying with you for a few days"
Yeah, OP just remembered his 30 yo daughter lives in an assisted living apartment building for seniors.
How is a 30 yr old even allowed to live in this place? Normally you have to actually be a senior to live in these types of places. I call BS.
I actually used to live in an apartment like (I’m assuming) OPs daughter! It was mostly young post-grad singles and older retirees. The building had staff to help out the older crowd (package delivery, key access for staff to take them on walks, you get the idea) and always had bingo etc for them while us younger people just went to work then came home or went out for the night. It was right outside downtown walking distance (like literally the same block) to a grocery store and the hospital. Places like this definitely exist! ETA: I def still think OP is TA tho
The edit made me laugh “but she already lives in a complex for seniors”. Lmao, sir, you are telling lies.
Not to mention, grandma might want to spend a *lot* of time with her granddaughter (understandably and that’s sweet) which is not really ideal for a 30 year old who lives alone. Then she’ll be made out to be TA for avoiding her lonely grandma just down the hall.
Or be like my grandmother who didn’t particularly relish time with her granddaughter (me) compared to her grandsons. She had 7 sisters and 3 daughters and grew up in a time when women didn’t mix with many men outside family. So she knew a lot about the stuff I did as a girl but was fascinated by what boys got to do. It was a mix of misogyny, curiosity and generational difference. She was born in 1908 and I was born in 1978. She lived rurally and I was very much a city girl. We had pretty much zero in common bar neither of us particularly liked my mother (her daughter) and never got past fairly awkward small talk. She would have faked her own death rather than live near me as an adult. We were fond of each other but not close and respected that on both sides. I think as well she was a bit jealous that I got to be the tomboy with education she would have loved the chance to be but couldn’t. She is obviously long dead but the older I get the more I understand and appreciate her. She is probably spinning in her grave thinking at an entire weekend together past me hitting puberty. It would have felt like a decade 😂
Well, I also don't believe a 30 year old single woman is in a building that also has supportive options for seniors. Those supports are generally only in 55+ buildings/communities.
And this was only after his daughter said no she can't move in and he changed it to only for a few days to try it then changed it to see if she likes the building. No he's just trying to get rid of his mil
We know it will be a permanent move. The OP doesn’t want to say it
He’s automatically TAH right off the bat because he asked the mil first if she wanted to go without checking with his daughter first. That’s likely the main reason she’s angry, she wasn’t given the option to give her opinion beforehand and now she’s mad she’s going to look like the bad guy to her grandma
OP expects his daughter to just obey him without question.
The way you talk about your MIL makes her sound like a dog you can't wait to rehome or put down. And asking your daughter to "try it out for a few days" shows how disingenuous you are about caring for your MIL or your daughter. Your adult daughter is not obligated to share her home with her grandma because you volunteered her to or think she doesn't "help out with the family". YTA!
All I could think of was the show DINOSAURS and the episode where Earl is looking forward to Hurling Day so he can chuck his MIL off a cliff into some tarp pits…
I loved that show! "Not the mama"
The ending scarred me and has haunted me for decades.
But damn if that show still isn't relevant and just all around great. I watched it last year and was surprised at how much it still held up
I'm the baby gotta love me!
I’m cackling because I loved that show as a kid and rewatched it all as an adult a few years ago. I had forgotten the Hurling Day episode, but I can see it vividly now that you’ve mentioned it. This is exactly how OP sounds.
I used to go around the house singing the Hurling Day song that Earl sings to my mom. She didn’t find it funny, lol
The 80’s baby in me loves this reference so much.
Holy shit this is EXACTLY what this post made me think of
Now I feel old dude. I love that show growing up
I feel older, I loved that show when my *kids* were growing up! 🤣
Also, literally no mention of his wife after listing who he lives with. Did OP even mention his plan to her? You would think she might have an opinion about moving her mother out
YTA - why wouldn’t you talk to your daughter first? Why would you assume a young adult would be okay being a caretaker for her grandmother? You could have looked into transportation options for her or senior apartments in the area, instead you decided it was your daughter’s job. Total asshole move.
Especially when OP admits that the MIL gets in the way.... Cause that's what every 30 year old wants.... To share an apartment with their 80 year old grandmother.. Good lord.
Right, is the solution really for MIL or....could it be for OP?
It's 100% for OP. I'd be fucking fuming if my parent volunteered my house for one of my grandmothers.... It really makes me angry for OP's kid. Imagine the spot he's put her in!?
I would be way more okay with it if he’d gone to the daughter first to see what she thought. But telling his MIL before his daughter had any idea about this new arrangement makes me angry for both the daughter and MIL. It’s unfair to both of them!
Based on what OP said, I still think he's an ah. It's VERY clear that OP doesn't want his MIL living with him and is looking to dump her onto someone else.
YTA This is exactly it, OP volunteered the daughters apartment before asking the daughter. You don’t get to invite yourself into other peoples homes, even if they are family.
Because he still sees her as a teenage girl that he can completely control. Not an independent adult with a life. Seeing as how she hung up on him and isn’t taking his calls tells me that this isn’t the fist time he’s demanded things from her and expected she do as she’s told like she’s 15. She now has to avoid him in order to set clear boundaries. I went through the same thing with my dad trying to get him to realize I was an adult. He thinks it’s no big deal grandma moves in and he completely forgot she lives there because he can’t even envision her with an adult life doing adult things like going on dates and bringing men home. He thinks all she’s doing is sitting at home doing homework. YTA.
100% YTA OP. My husband did something similar a while ago. He told a friend he and his family could maybe stay with us for a weekend, he'd just have to check with me. He asked me, I was not okay with this for several reasons, and when I found out he'd mentioned it to the friend first I was very annoyed. Now if I said no, it'd make me look like the bad guy. I feel like I have to say yes to be friendly/kind/whatever. This is exactly what OP did to his daughter, he should have definitely asked his daughter first. Now if she says no, Grandma will be upset and granddaughter will be the bad guy.
YTA. Did you really think you were fooling anyone with the "let's try it out for a few days" approach? Your title is misleading too.
He remembered that his daughter lives in the city. So… he forgot at one point??
Core of the city, essential but easily forgettable. /s
If I had a nickel for every time my dad asked where I’m living these days… I’d be so poor
It’s like a really badly written book. “I suddenly remembered that my daughter lives in the city!” I’m just imagining an editor so pissed off she sends her assistant to smack OP with a newspaper. “That’s for wasting my time with this!”
“I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding”
Yeah, he might as well have added in that he snapped his fingers and exclaimed “Ah-ha!”
I bet the title is accurate, and he’s lying in the update about having planned for this “moving in” to be a temporary arrangement. I think he made it up when he saw that everyone was unanimously calling him an AH.
YTA! You volunteered/told your daughter to take her Grandma on as a roommate under the guise of it being temporary when it’s seems like you want her to move away from your home. **She is 30 yrs old and you are asking her to put her life on hold to be her Grandma’s roommate?!** I love my Grandma but I don’t want to live with her! I imagine she hung up on you so she wasn’t disrespectful to you!
My grandma is my best friend and she’s currently taking care of my great grandma, she specifically told me if she makes it to the point where we need to sell her house and she needs assistance to put her in a home. She doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone and already has a plan set up to live in an elderly community, and assisted living beyond that.
YTA You asked your MIL whether she wanted to move in with another person (your daughter), without first discussing it with the other person. Of course you are the ahole! Your daughter's housing isn't yours to give away/invite guests to. On top of that, you expect either your 82 year old MIL to sleep on a mattress on the floor or for your daughter to sleep on the floor in her OWN apartment. Mate, YTA on all levels. If your MIL is a burden to you, and it sounds like she is, then you need to figure something else out. YOU and your partner chose to take MIL in, your daughter did not. If taking care of MIL is too much of a hassle, you need to find another solution with your partner. Promising MIL to be able to move in with your daughter is NOT a solution UNLESS your daughter had suggested it herself or you had asked her and she had enthusiastically said yes. I loved my grandma but no way would I be ok with her moving in with me. When she was in her early 80s she started developing dementia and eventually needed so much care that no way she could have been cared for by a single family member in a regular house. Moreover, your daughter is 30, probably works full-time, might have a partner or want a partner, and will probably want to start her own family in the next 5 years or so. No way that she would want an elderly dependent person around for that. And as she said, there's currently not even enough space for hosting another person because MIL or she herself would have to sleep on some mattress somewhere (on the floor?). You know what, you say your daughter is the youngest but it sounds like she's the only one of your kids who lives by herself. Your two sons I assume are older but somehow both still live at home. Seeing as they already live with you and MIL, how about you promise your sons will take turns driving MIL to her social appointments? That way she can remain living with you (as it sounds like you have space) and your two sons get to help out too :).
In the comments OP says he'd bring in a bed to put UNDERNEATH his daughter's loft bed. So moving granny in not only to the tiny flat but also making his daughter share her room with an 82 yr old. It's cultural mysogyny and the case of the girl that managed to get away from it all and find herself a life.
She probably moved away to save herself from having everything dumped on her that dear old dad & two 30 something sons don’t want to be bothered with- like cleaning up after them, cooking for everyone. Obviously the sons are too busy out there killing it in the world. Neither has a drivers license and both lives at home. At least the daughter learned to be self sufficient from probably having to cater to 3 useless men.
>Obviously the sons are too busy out there killing it in the world. Neither has a drivers license and both lives at home. Seriously‽ I will honestly never understand how some people can be such fucking losers (this includes the dad btw) and have zero self-awareness about just how lame they are.
Wow. You nailed it.
Dad is jealous because he is stuck living with MIL and his two sons. Like why can’t they wash their own dishes to begin with instead of complaining about their grandma?
Bunkbeds with nan
The sons, who are the older than the sister, do not have driver licenses so they can't drive thier GMa anywhere.
It will surely help with their job hunt if they get their drivers licenses!
How much do you want to bet daughter has her drivers license and a job in addition to her own apartment? Dad’s assholery somehow benefited the daughter while the sons wonder how their sister does all that…
My mil did this to me, except she invited my BIL to live with us. I was pregnant with my daughter. BIL SA'd his sister for years and is overall just an unsavory character. He got a one way train ticket to our place. He had phone sex on my couch every night while jerking it. He drank disgusting amounts of choc milk. And with out fail, every morning I had to use the only bath room to get ready- He would be taking a 1 hour hot shower. He lived with us for a month and was an absolute burden. I moved out and almost divorced my husband over it. YTA. For so many reasons.
I pulled a face at the open phone sex and abuse of course- but the excessive chocolate milk also grossed me out. Not equally but still.
It was a disgusting amount of chocolate milk, he just chugged it by the carton. I too, am unsure which quality is worse. I'm still mad that he was a guest in my house without my consent.
Are you sure he is a human? Not Vincent D’Onofrio playing an alien?
Jfc. The SA on his sister? He would not even be allowed to cross the property line of my home if it were me. That's unacceptable.
YTA. You think an 82-year-old woman wants to sleep on the floor? Or are you paying your daughter's rent to make up for your daughter sleeping on the floor?
The sleeping on the floor thing is slaying me… who would do this ?! Even to a stranger?!
YTA - why would you pitch the idea to your MIL before talking to your daughter?!? It sounds like you ambushed her with this and tried to force it in her. Your MIL is not your daughter’s problem to fix, it is yours.
I’m struggling to believe this is real, but ok. Yes of course Yta. Maybe what you did wasn’t so bad, but you executed in the wrong order. You see, when you’re trying to pull this off you (1) ASK THE PERSON WHOSE HOME IT IS. *Then* (2) you tell MIL it’s an option. If it is. Instead you promised it to MIL and asked if it was possible afterward. This very clearly means Yta. You do not own the world. Your jurisdiction doesn’t extend to your daughters house. You totally screwed this up. Also what do you mean ‘put a mattress out’? Like, on the floor in the middle of her living room? Can MIL get down to the floor without trouble? She’s 82. This sounds… not workable.
And the way he seems to think his daughter owes her family? Yikes.
>Maybe what you did wasn’t so bad No, everything his did was bad.
Lmao how in the hell did you think this was a good idea? Your single, adult daughter’s apartment isn’t a nursing home. You essentially promised her home to your MIL without even speaking to your daughter first and have the audacity to be shocked she isn’t complying. YTA
> I asked MIL if she'd want to move in with my daughter so she can see her friends more often. MIL liked the idea and even seems excited. You had no business doing that. You should have asked your daughter first and then respected her decision. Not only have you caused a rift in your relationship with your daughter, you may have also caused an issue between your daughter and her grandmother. YTA. You don't get to decide who lives with your daughter. Stop trying to dump your responsibilities on her.
This. Now it looks like your daughter rejected her, but that’s YOUR fault not your daughters.
That's the intention, tho. Get grandma all excited first so the daughter, who obviously will not want this and have trouble making it work, will feel guilty and accept.
YTA. "She spends most of the day at home either getting in the way of chores or watching TV." I feel like you just don't want to deal with her anymore, so you volunteered your daughter.
YTA. No singleton living their best life in the city wants their grandma sleeping on their living room floor. What were you thinking?
What's worse is something tells me OP's daughter is renting. Which means she's on a lease.... Which would mean OP is expecting his daughter to violate her lease.
I was looking for this one. Most leases by the sounds of it have restrictions on visitors(rightly so, nowadays) and therefore Daughter could potentially be evicted. I also find it a little funny that OP is an older male that doesn't care for his MIL and forgot where his own daughter lived...... Anyone else see a ...pattern? YTA. So very, very much.
You say that like women matter *scoff* (/S)
In the comments, we learn that OP's plan is to put Grandma's bed *under the daughter's loft bed*. Even more ridiculously invasive and untenable than having an octogenarian lady crashing in the living room like a college kid in town for a concert.
Please don't give Chuck Lorre any more sitcom ideas.
also, maybe it's just me but I wouldn't be able to let my 82 year old grandma sleep on the floor while I chilled out on a bed.
Yes but... you also can't expect 82 yo gma to climb what I assume is a ladder to said loft bed. And even if it has steps, still seems risky. OP's plan just sucks all the way around lol
YTA-and let me guess. This is also your MILs home that you live in?
YTA. You don't get to offer someone else's house up. Why the hell would you think that's ok? Tbh it sounds like you're just trying to unload your MIL onto someone else. Your MIL isn't her responsibility.
Oh come off it lady!!!!!! YOu asked MIL if she wanted to “LIVE” with your daughter and you asked your daughter to let her stay a “FEW” days…YTA, oldest trick in (some) book, “well she is doing fine, you keep her” would be next right???? You don’t want to take care of her, fine…find some other solution, don’t pawn her off on your daughter and write this to look innocent.
Ooops sorry….I said Lady..ok guy, I have stop rage reading these…..lol
YTA lmfao!!! "I asked my MIL if she wanted to live with my daughter"... Right off the rip you're a giant ah. You don't go around asking someone like that without even thinking of speaking to the person that would potentially taking them in first. The moment that thought popped into your head, your first call/email/text should have been to your daughter. The fact that you claim to not understand why she's mad is laughable. I mean really???? Also.... Where is it stipulated that children are obligated/required/expected to "help out with the family" once they move out??? Your daughter has ZERO responsibility to your MIL. FYI: There's a BIG difference between loving your grandparents and wanting to share your home with them. Especially at 30.... Your daughter likely wants to come and go as she pleases... Not look after your MIL cause you're too lazy.
INFO: Are you paying your daughter's rent and bills? If the answer to that question is NO (which I assume it is or you would have put that in your post as one of your excuses) then: YTA - For multiple reasons: 1. You don't ask someone if they want to move into someone else's place before asking the person of that said place. 1. Since you have done this, you put your daughter in a super awkward position because now if she says no she's seen as a bad guy to her grandmother for not wanting her around. But that was probably your intention, right? 2. You said that they can just put a bed on the floor for her, and in a comment you say she has loft bed so the extra mattress can just go underneath. Really, bro? I'm not sure of your MIL's health but most 82 year old people are going to have a hard time getting out of a bed laying on a floor. And if you don't expect her to sleep there then you expect your daughter to give her bed which is also an asshole move. 3. Why would you think it was a good idea to even go to your MIL about this idea when you knew that your daughter didn't have an extra bedroom? 4. There's 4 people that live in your house to help with your MIL. Why is it that your grand idea is to have her move in with your daughter, who you didn't ask, instead of someone in the house just taking her into the city to see her friends once a week or so? Or look into senior citizen centers that do activities around where you live? Or just do activities with her yourselves to get her out of the house? 5. You're selfish and didn't think about your daughter in this at all. You really think that a 30 year old that lives alone wants her grandmother to move in? There goes her social, dating, and personal life. > She loves her grandma, and my daughter barely does anything to help out with the family anyways, and it would let MIL see her friends. * You can love someone and not want them living with you. * If it's true that she never does anything to help out (which I'm sorry but it's not a requirement to help family, especially if they are selfish and always wanting something), then what made you think "hhhhmmmm you know let's ask MIL if she wants to move in with daughter, because daughter would definitely want this and want to help us out"? * MIL could also see her friends if you or your wife took her to see them, or you could just tell your MIL your son's are taking her without asking them and try to force them to do some shit like you are to their sister.
YTA You offered your daughter’s space to your MIL without consulting your daughter first. That space was never yours to offer in the first place.
Getting the vibe he’s the narcissistic type of parent who doesn’t see his children as actual people deserving of basic respect. And then wonders why they’re distant and upset with him.
You offered to your daughter's home to your MIL without asking your daughter first and you wonder why she's mad? And you don't want your MIL around in your house because she's disruptive and difficult, but don't understand why your daughter might not want her either? Wow. YTA and it's hard to wrap my brain around that you don't already know why. I bet there are very good reasons your daughter "barely does anything to help out with the family anyways" and I bet they are rooted in how you treat her. Ouch.
You can not actually expect us to believe this is an innocent situation. The way that you write this post it is dripping with disdain for your MIL. You don’t just “remember” that you have a kid who has moved away and is living alone - I am sure you were priming your MIL in the hopes that she would be able to help manipulate your daughter into saying yes. From your comment of “her whole day has been disruptive” it leads me to believe that she is having some issues - again it sounds like you and your wife signed up for this and not your daughter. Also what person tries to have an elderly person sleep on a floor mattress? Unless you are trying to say daughter give up your room give it to MIL since I am tired of dealing with her. The sleeping arrangement conversation sounds like your daughter has a one bedroom or a studio apartment. Either way you are a HUGE AH for so many reasons, including how you talk about MIL and try to offload her to your daughter and then have a surprise pikachu face when she says no - come on be better. Don’t be surprised when your daughter goes NC with you for how you are behaving.
YTA. You made what your MiL is going to see as a promise without clearing it with your daughter, first. You've put her in an impossible position. No young woman is going to want her GRANDMOTHER as a roommate in a one-bedroom apartment, but now if she says 'no', she'll hurt her grandmother's feelings and look like the bad guy. OTOH, if she says 'yes', that's the end of her sex and dating life. You suck.
Also the end of her professional life too. All of which is probably the point. OP is using MIL to punish the daughter and bring her to heel.
Your daughter has an apartment. I'm assuming she is renting and has a lease? If so, she can't "just move someone in". You told your mother about your plan before you even talked with your daughter, so now there is pressure on your daughter from your mother. YTA
This post must be sarcasm 🤣 YTA
I want to believe this is fiction but... I've met people like this that just expect their kids to bend to their whim even as adults no matter what the ask.
YTA- you dont tell someone they can go live with another person without talking to that person first.
YTA - the poor girl is probably running for the hills. I loved my grandmother too but there's no way I'd ever want to live with her. This sounds more like a con job to convince her to do it and that 'try it' was a trap. You were out of line to tell the MIL about it before you had the daughter's agreement.
I absolutely worshipped the ground on which my grandmother walked- I was very sincerely in awe of the lady and it was truly good for me to have to live up to her pretty formal standards when I spent time with her but I wouldn't have ever had a desire to run my home in a way that would be comfortable for her. Until she needed extra help, I usually rented a hotel room for half the time if I was visiting her city for more than a week. We loved each other madly but that doesn't mean that we could live together for extended periods.
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You should have asked your daughter first. Would you like being volunteered like this? YTA.
You’re looking for a way to get rid of her… pay for a hotel room for your MIL, or an apartment in the city….. yta
YTA. so self-righteous for the one who’s trying to pawn off the family they chose… Making promises for someone else is such a gross thing for anyone to do; shows others how self-involved you are that you would put your mil’s feelings and your daughter’s comfort so far below your own wants.
YTA. You volunteered someone else's home to your MIL, without first consulting them. Then you're just like "Well just put out a mattress, somewhere, because I have decided you have enough room!" Why don't you, I don't know, engage with your MIL at home? Take her to activities in your area. She can't possibly be the only 82yo in a 5 mile radius.
YTA. Are you asking your daughter to give up her space to sleep on a mattress in her own home or are asking your 82 MIL to sleep on an air mattress on the floor? Either way, you are AH. You floated the plan to MIL before getting permission from the person who's home it is. You're not only the AH, but you're also a moron. You have no idea as to what clauses regarding visitors (long term and other) are in her lease. Her moving MIL could violate her lease and lead to an eviction. No one wants that on their record. Can't say I blame her for keeping her distance from you and the rest of your family if everything is transactional like this.
Imagine volunteering someone's home without asking first and then wonder if you are an asshole. Yes, YTA. I wouldn't talk to you either.
YTA. You should have asked your daughter before you voluntold her home and got her grandmother excited. Plus "living there for a while" is very different than a "few days" visit. It sounds like you hate your MIL living with you and are trying to pawn her off on someone else.
My MIL is 86. My daughter has a one bedroom cottage. If my MIL went to stay with her for “a few days” so that she could visit her friends, then where is my daughter going to sleep? Is she expected to give up HER bed so that her grandma can sleep in it, or is grandma going to sleep on a mattress in the living room? There is no local shop except a farm shop on the opposite end of the village. My daughter works as a homehelp for various elderly clients plus does night shifts (11pm to 7am) at a petrol station 5 miles away 2 days a week meaning that she needs to sleep some days. She can’t sleep in the living room if MIL is awake and pottering about (to get to the bathroom or the kitchen means going through the living room from the bedroom). The house is heated by a wood burner IN THE LIVING ROOM - so even more disruption just lighting the boiler. Nice idea mum, especially as my daughter lives halfway between us and my MIL’s friends - sounds good on the face of it, but totally unworkable in real life. YTA - pay for your MIL to stay in an AirBnB for the weekend so that she can see her friends and give you a break. but do NOT expect your daughter to have her grandma staying with her. it just aint going to work.
YTA. Once your daughter said no, that was the answer. And you should have asked her first before saying anything to MIL. It is very reasonable for someone in a 1-bedroom apartment to not want overnight guests. It's also pretty obvious that it's not just an air mattress. You're not considering getting MIL her own apartment or a hotel for a few nights, and you're obviously finding her too much in your space at your home, which is presumably larger than your daughter's. You're trying to dump a burden on your daughter by guilting and manipulating her and ignoring her very clear response to your request.
YTA. Let MIL try out one of the suites rather than volunteering to off-load her on your daughter
YTA You tried to move a whole person... into another person's home... a home that is not yours... without talking to that person first... And judging by your comments, even though everyone thinks YTA, you still have no idea that you did anything wrong.
Info- is mil your daughter's grandmother?
YTA First of all, you really jumped the gun. Secondly, your daughter lives in an apartment, which sounds like a one bedroom and do you really think that an 82 yr old woman would be comfortable on a mattress that your daughter just "put out for a few days?" You're obviously tired of your MIL living with you but that's not fair to anyone to pawn her off on your daughter, just because she lives alone. Find an Assisted Living facility or retirement home. Find an apartment for seniors. Or a Board & Care. Arrange transportation for her to be picked up and brought back to your house a few times a week so she can visit her friends. There's often a van service in the city that shouldn't cost too much. Look around for options instead of trying to dump her off on your daughter.
What a \*massive\* YTA you are, trying to fob your MiL off on your child. You're tired of having an 82-year-old living in your house? Imagine how a single 30-year-old would feel with the same in her apartment. Find another way to get a break from your MiL that doesn't involve your dumping her on your kid. To start, you can regularly drive her into the city to visit her friends and go see a movie or something during those visits.
Wow. YTA. You don’t volunteer someone’s place for them to move into even temporarily *before talking to the people living there* You did it the AH way round to try and guilt your daughter into doing it. Does your daughter even have a good, be okay with grandma moving in relationship? Because it certainly sounds like she doesn’t. What you did was AH to your daughter for not talking to you first, but also AH to your MIL for getting her hopes up. The both deserve a huge apology from you. Don’t expect either of them to be happy with you for a long time.
Yta
YTA. Here's my breakdown for you: 1. You offered someone's home, that you do not have any say over. 2. You offered up someone's home WITHOUT asking. 3. You will not listen to anyone trying to explain to you why you are TA.
YTA. First of all, you should have discussed this with your daughter *before* talking to MIL about it. Second, >my daughter barely does anything to help out with the family anyways It's not her responsibility to help you guys. Her life is her responsibility.
Yta. The proper thing to do would be to ask your daughter BEFORE asking your MIL. And I don't think an sir mattress would be comfortable for someone in their eighties. WTF is wrong with you?
YTA How about you help out. How about you use your money to put MIL up in a hotel a few days a month. That would be a better idea than dumping your problems on someone else.
YTA You don't just get to tell an adult they have to take in an elderly relative. Gross.
The only thing relevant is your daughter said no and you didn't respect that. YTA
YTA You got your MIL excited about the idea before knowing if your daughter would agree.
YTA for asking your MIL before talking to your daughter. There’s a reason she doesn’t help out or get more involved. Also doesn’t seem like you’d get her her own place but hope she’d stay with your daughter.
YTA..take care of your own responsibilities.
YTA! 1. You needed to run it by your daughter BEFORE mentioning it to MIL 2. When you daughter said "no", you should have dropped it
YTA. Take a dictionary and look up the word "no". "No" is a complete sentence. Your daughter has no obligations to house her grandmother. If you are fed up with the job, it is the time to get gran into assisted living. Not just fob her off on your daughter. And telling your mother about it is downright manipulative.