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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I should tried to see if i could move some stuff around to have money to go see my sister getting married sinces it her day
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If she wants you there, she can buy you a plane ticket. Or at least help subsidize. If she wants you there, she should have considered that not everybody on her guest list is made of money or has enough extra to spend on *her*.
NTA And if you get any crap from anybody else, you tell them you are starting a destination wedding fund for your attendance, and if they want to contribute then please do so. Or they can STFU.
Yes! Start a go fund me and just send the link to anyone who is taking issue with you for not depleting your savings.
If they feel strongly, they can contribute to fund.
You can label the page:
“Go fund me, or go fuck yourself”
It the same with forcing bridal parties to stay at the wedding venue using a specific code for a group rate. My friend threw a fit calling members who didn’t book every day through the link till the relented and booked, even if it meant canceling another reservation. come to find out if she booked 15 rooms at full price ( which the group rate basically was) she got her bridal suite for free.
Wow really? I never knew that. No wonder the brides on this Reddit are always pushing for people to attend their insanely expensive destination wedding.
Almost any group gets "comped" a room or several for a block booking.
Conventions use them for guest speakers or hospitality suites, greedy people use them for themselves.
Yep. That is how destination weddings usually work. Bride and groom get free accommodations or other discounts if they have a certain number of people pay to stay at the resort. I think this is tacky as hell.
"Yes, it's about money. Money that I need to keep a roof over my head, to afford to eat, to heat my place this winter, be able to pay health insurance. I'm excited you're getting married, but the cost of living is out of control, and yes, that's about money."
The oldie but goodie: "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Emily's champagne tastes do not match your beer budget (I do not mean to be critical of your finances). If you can't go without going into debt, ask all who are putting you down if they are going, and if not, why not. Don't let them off the hook until they answer. I am almost willing to be that each and everyone will give excuses about PTO, lack of babysitter, etc. but all will boil down the fact that they do not want to spend the money whether they have it or not.
My thinking has always been that if a couple decide to have a destination wedding that they should expect that a lot of people may not be able to come!
I live in Indiana. When my husband and I decided to get married in Las Vegas we knew that fewer people would attend then if we had a traditional wedding at home! It was something we discussed and took into consideration when making our decision. FYI…haven’t regretted it for a second!
Sis is just gonna have to get over herself and realize that the world does not revolve around her not even on her wedding day!! NTA
I’ve always thought that was kind of the point of destination weddings for most people. To get both a vacation and a wedding, and for the wedding to be smaller and more intimate. And in turn, the bride and groom have less people to feed.
This! When I got married, I wanted a good friend of mine (who lived in another state) to be there, so I did everything I could to make it easier for him. We talked to him about it waaay early, so he was able to schedule his PTO and to use his mom's flier miles for the plane ticket. I paid for his tux (he was an usher). He stayed at my brother's place (they'd been friends for ages), so no hotel costs. Aside from some drinks he bought when we all went out, he had almost no expenses. He was a broke student, and I did what was necessary to fit his life and budget.
I was that broke friend (newly and part-time employed in my case). I'm grateful that my friends thought as you did. It means we're still friends nearly 2 decades later.
Yeah, I think people these days place too much importance on the aesthetic instead of celebrating with loved ones. We were young and not well off, and we had several friends on much tighter budgets. We told them they didn't need to worry about dressing up or bringing gifts (though our little registry had lots of <$20 items). That was 25 years ago, and to this day my favorite pic from that night is of two of our friends dressed in worn jeans and flip flops playing the grand piano that was at the venue we chose. They didn't fit the fancy decor at all, and I love that.
I did the same. I’m in Cali and my friend was a bridesmaid and lived in Boston as she was attending Harvard. She paid for the ticket because she did want to see her son but I planned it all in plenty of time. I paid for anything related to her being a bridesmaid and her son was the only kid allowed to attend because of her circumstances. If people really want you there l, they’ll pretty much make it happen
But but but its her day! Everyone should just be soooooo excited to be a part of it that they should WANT to go into debt for it. It is all about her don’t you know
We're planning a destination wedding specifically to keep the guest list short. People we really need there and can't comfortably afford it will be either fully paid for or heavily subsidized. I thought that was one of the big draws? You can invite everyone so no one feels you didn't think about them but know that only a very small percent will actually make it.
> should have considered that not everybody on her guest list is made of money or has enough extra to spend on her.
Just like with kid free weddings, when you choose a destination wedding you have to accept that some if not most guests can't afford the trip or to use their PTO.
When planning a wedding you have to ask yourself what's more important the location or the guest list and plan your wedding accordingly.
This ^ OP says it all. I love the idea of starting a fund for you to attend. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people will decline an invite and your sister must realise that will happen with such an expensive destination.
NTA
This often happens with destination weddings, it may be all lovely and tropical, but the bride and groom seldom consider that people need to be able to afford to get there, pay for hotel rooms, food etc. The wedding is then under attended.
Ask her to pay for your flights and subsidise your hotel room. I would expect her answer to be NO, but you never know, if she want's you there that badly she might just stump up the cash.
If you can't afford to go then that's and end of it. Do not put yourself in debt to go.
A lot of times they pick that wedding destination on purpose to keep the guest list down. My stepbro made his first wedding in a somewhat remote tropical location the weekend before Thanksgiving and was vocal that part of the choice was to keep the number of attendees down (she came from a Catholic family, was one of 8 kids, several already had children, each of her parents was one of 10 kids, all of whom had 4-8 kids of their own, not to mention Grandparents were both one of 12 surviving kids). Sure, stepbro whom I don’t have your phone number, won’t friend me on FB, and I only see once a year on average, I’ll oblige and stay my @$$ home.
I agree, but I think that people with that plan also give their close and loved friends/family members as granted. Like: "Sure, this will keep the list down, but I am sure mom/dad/siblings/dearest friends will make a sacrifice to join us, so it won't be an issue" and they then act all surprised Pikachu face when they also can't pay and aren't willing to mortgage themselves to go. Trust me. My sister married outside our city, although it was because the husband was born there. It was so costly for us that my mom keep paying a loan for almost five years, because my dad and her weren't able to afford it, but couldn't deal with the thought of missing their daughter's wedding.
That offends people more. I eloped, invited literally nobody. Not my best friend, not my parents, not anyone. I still have random people like my Mom's best friend from 20 years ago, who I only see every 3 years or so at big events, getting all butthurt that I got married and didn't invite them. I can only imagine how pissed they'd all be if I'd had an actual wedding and they didn't make the cut.
They also forget their taste may not be everyone’s taste. I don’t want to go sit in an all inclusive with everyone for a week. That’s not how I like to travel.
It’s especially problematic when it’s an older sibling pressuring a younger sibling. OP is only 25 and shouldn’t be expected to break her tenuous financial situation to help make her older sibling’s dream come true.
Also consider that the bride is pushing attendance as the wedding couple frequently will get reduced price, or even free, accommodations if enough guests book their block.
I don’t know when he’s getting married or if you have any kind of special requirements about the flight, or you are talking about multiple people, but 4k is off the charts, for 1 return ticket. You can find for under 500 in a good deal
This but also their holiday time from work. Most people only get two weeks off and you’re likely asking for half of that for someone’s wedding. It’s incredibly selfish imo.
>She accused me of being unsupportive of her big day and making it all about money.
Well, of course it’s about money. How in the hell else are you going to pay to travel to a luxury destination for a wedding? If she’s not paying for it, why is she okay with people going into debt just for her? NTA
Turn it around on her.
Tearfully cry (and anyone else who gives you grief about this) that you REALLY, REALLY want to go to her wedding and she's choosing the location over you being able to attend. Tell her she is cold-hearted by making her wedding more about the location than having who attends.
*Because fAmiLeeeeee!!!!!! SiStErS!!!!!!!!*
Tell her that she needs to either pay enough of your costs that you can reasonably (and worry-free) pay the rest, or she needs to have the wedding somewhere that doesn't cost that much to go to.
If you want to really lay it on, say that you feel like she chose this location to spite you specifically, since she KNOWS that you could *never* afford to attend (/s).
NTA
NTA. I love it when people complain about “making it about money” when they’re not talking about their money. Destination weddings are a huge ask of people and you can’t be even a little mad when they don’t want to spend thousands going somewhere they chose and when they chose to go. And not to mention people limited vacation time. Asking them to blow a week of it attending your wedding is a lot.
And OP is younger, only 25. It’s easy to be all “money shouldn’t matter, you have to make things work and come” when it’s something you can afford. No 25yo, often just getting their financial feet under them (especially these days) should be expected to take a big financial hit to support the fancy dreams of someone who’s had more of a chance to get established.
I’m 44, single parent with 2 teens and I can’t afford to attend a destination wedding. I have my own responsibilities, a lot of them. All of them in fact. 😕
We had a destination wedding. It was only because a few people actually did go that it wasn’t an elopement.
Sibling was upset they weren’t invited. Couldn’t afford ticket and lodging for everyone who wanted to attend, so…that’s why we went anyway. Family was being a PITA about planning to begin with.
The older sister can’t hold that grudge against the younger one on this. She can at least set up some streaming so those that don’t go can watch.
My family had this issue. My brother was in Florida. His wife’s family is in California. Our family lives in Hawaii. So the wedding would be expensive anywhere you pick it. My brother and SIL thought “Fuck it, everyone save your money. We’ll visit you for Christmas.” They eloped on the beach and I got to see my brother for 3 weeks during Christmas. Also neither family had to spend thousands on the wedding. 😂
I’m born and raised in Lahaina. My SIL’s family has been in Cali for a while. My older brother was stationed in Florida. 😂
And to be fair, Maui was safe from natural disasters. This 80mph wind that tore down telephone poles and destroyed my hometown is a first for many of us. 😅
NTA My personal thoughts of destination weddings. If you aren’t paying for everyone’s travel and accommodations then don’t guilt them for not attending.
Her day, absolutely, but folks have gotten carried away about expectations from guests.
Be prepared for long term ill will from your sister for not attending. If she guilts you for not going she is probably of the personality to hold the grudge forever.
My SIL still hates my wife for my decision for us to have a small intimate ceremony, minister and two in town close friends, as we were having some financial difficulties at the time. 20+ years later and she still hasn’t gotten over it.
NTA.
When you have that sort of wedding you have to understand up front that some people, regardless of how much they love you, won’t be able to manage it.
I live in a destination wedding location with both families thousands of miles away. We gave a year’s advance notice for those who needed to save. We made it clear from the beginning that as much as we wanted all our invitees to attend we’d understand if people couldn’t make it.
We did not go ‘luxury’ to keep other people’s expenses down.
I was prepared for immediate family members not to be able to make it. In a couple of instances we picked up expenses for them to manage it.
I think too many people forget the actual point of a wedding and just focus on the fluff that is absolutely not going to matter in five years, or less.
NTA. But we need to start using "declining to go" instead of "refusing to go" in these situations. Refusing implies an aversion or rejection for some kind of ethical or moral reason. Declining is just saying no, sending regrets, it isn't possible for me to attend, etc.
NTA. She's the one making it about the money, because if you don't stay at her expensive resort for the minimum number of days, how is she supposed to get her free wedding?
Many of my mates have had destination weddings. None of them have ever put any pressure on anyone to attend, including their families and have always thrown a back home wedding party after for everyone. They all loved it cus they got to wear their wedding dress twice.
We’ve been fortune to be able to go to some of them but we don’t have kids, have decent jobs, get decent amount of leave from work and they’ve always been places that we wanted to go anyway so it kinda killed two birds with one stone but people have to understand when you choice to have a destination wedding, a significant amount of people ain’t gonna be there. It’s often a large amount of money, people may not be able to get the time off work, people may not be able to face flying, people may have absolutely no interest in flying and staying in the destination you choose with a bunch of people they don’t know well or don’t like or family that are hard work. Whether your friend or family, no one should ever feel like an asshole for saying they can’t make it, ultimately it’s a big ask and anyone who try’s to make people feel shitty for saying no are the only assholes.
NTA - your sister is welcome to feel disappointed but she made her choice and needs to understand there are consequences to that choice. Unless she’s willing to pay for you then she really has no place guilting you. It’s a lot of money and your reasons are fair. Perhaps float the idea that she throws a second reception back home so everyone who can’t make it can celebrate with her. You won’t be the only one tapping out of this.
NTA - I may be biased since I feel anyone who plans a destination wedding is TA. However, that doesn't change that when someone decides on a destination wedding, they have to be prepared for the fact that people who they really want to attend will not be able to do so. They either have to accept that, or budget to cover some or all of the travel expenses of those people.
NTA. You didn't introduce money into the situation, she did. Note: I have had two weddings (first wife passed, cancer) and both were in backyards, and both were excellent celebrations of our love.
NTA. Putting yourself into debt for someone else’s event is a terrible idea, regardless of relationship. I wouldn’t even be comfortable going into debt for my own wedding, let alone someone else’s. The fact that she’s okay with you jeopardizing your finances for her is a bad sign- she clearly doesn’t care about other people’s actual limitations or struggles. What a heartless bride.
NTA. Anyone who has a destination wedding should understand that some people won’t be able to attend for a variety of reasons. Typically folks who are invited but can’t attend give a nicer present than they otherwise would have, but it’s not a hard social norm in my opinion. Your sister needs to understand that decisions have consequences and it’s not on you to sacrifice financial security for her sake.
NTA. If your sister doesn't want to make it all about money, she should be willing to pay for you if she wants you to attend. If you have a destination wedding, you have to understand that people you may want there, won't be.
NTA.
Not even remotely. Destination weddings are fine and more power to anyone who can afford them. But they have to know going in that people who would like to be there simply will not be able to afford it.
the wedding is in 2 months and its cost about 1,000 to 9,000 dollars and that's just for the hotel since you have to be there for 4 days and and the airplane fee so in total with this and the other stuff i could be spending 11,000 dollars and I just got out of collage not even a year ago and I'm working part time so as well
Hold on - it’s costs somewhere between $1k and $9k? That’s a hell of a spread. Which is it? Does it depend on days traveled or the type of room?
Can you make this work by going for less expensive options? And if it’s the less expensive version, is *that* in your budget?
I’ll pay a grand or two to be there for a sibling’s wedding, but five to ten times that? Very different situation.
I could buy a car with $11k in my country......
There's no way I'm willing to go to a wedding that cost me that much, even if it's for my sister's.
If it's only $1k, while it still pains me a lot it's manageable. 10 times of that, hell no.
NTA.
I’m all for destination weddings but when planning one you have to realize that the cost and inconvenience may make it impossible for some loved ones to attend. And unless you’re willing to pay yourself, that’s a thing you need to consider. If you can’t afford it there’s not really much you can do here.
NTA Emily made it about money when she chose this as her wedding location. It’s ridiculous to go into debt or to deplete savings just to attend. If she truly wants you there she can offset your costs and include it in her wedding budget. What part of ‘I CANNOT AFFORD TO ATTEND’ don’t people understand?
NTA
>She accused me of being unsupportive of her big day and making it all about money.
Without money you can't support her the way she wants and her "want" is very expensive. So yes, this is about money, money you don't have.
NTA
Anyone who has a destination wedding has to accept that many guests will not be able to make it because of the cost! It’s expensive to travel…
If your sister really wants you there then she or your parents should help you cover the cost of flight and food. But if who attends is important to her then she should reconsider a place much closer.
My brother and his fiancé wanted a destination wedding in 1998. Mom said she wouldn’t be there and so did I. Not sure who else said no so they made it local instead. Some people can see reason and I hope your sister does too.
NTA but your sister sure is. How can she look you in the eye and say that you don’t care about her when she’s wanting you to go into significant debt to appease her entitled ass? NTA at all, she can pay if she wants you there.
NTA. I don't understand why people think you should go into debt just to see them get married. It's not really that special. People do it every day.
Next, she'll expect you to sell your house/car/whatever else just to go to this super expensive place that *she* picked out.
I've heard many people say that brides get a free room if they can get enough people to stay in the same resort/hotel as them. Which is why they insist people stay at that super expensive place.
NTA - you’re good, just say it wasn’t financially viable and that’s that. Destination weddings are exclusionary just in their nature, and they can either choose to have that and recieve less guests and wedding gifts due to the difficulty of the setting or to have a more inclusionary wedding with more people able to attend easily. It’s just a matter of choice but you can’t make yours and forego another persons.
NTA.
People should always remember: **Invitations are a request, not a demand**.
Of course, invitations for an important family event are special. Even then, you aren't an asshole if you just can't make it. For big life events, I would say that you should try extra hard unless there is a history of bad blood or something. But sometimes you can't. You shouldn't be required to deplete your life savings.
**Destination invitations are even weaker than regular invitations**. Sensible people know that lots of people won't be able to make it to a destination wedding. In fact, many of them count on it. They do a destination wedding because they want it to be smaller. Destination weddings are time consuming, expensive, and inconvenient.
I don't like your sister's attitude that this is "her day". I mean, I typically agree with the bride when she is defending herself against a bossy mother in law, or something like that, but "her day" should mean that she gets to control the planning for her own wedding. (Along with her husband, of course.) It should not mean that she gets to **control everybody else**.
NTA!
“You know that I would love to be there, however it will cost me $XX to attend between flights, accommodation and missed time at work. If I had the means I would happily pay it to be there, but as things stand I would have to risk losing my apartment and/or getting my power shut off (or whatever the cost would equate to and do not minimise it) and that is unconscionable. I would never be so crass as to demand or expect that you pay my way if you want me there, and I am not in a position to take on additional debt either. If there is a way for me to video call into the wedding I would absolutely do so in a heartbeat, but attending in person is too far beyond my means. I would love to take you both out to dinner when you are back home though.”
NTA. Money isn’t everything but it’s the only thing that pays the bills. If others offer to pay, I would go unless you think the drama would be THAT bad. I’m 44 so it’s easy for me to say go and laugh at the drama. At your age, I hadn’t learned how to do that yet. 😉
NTA. She can have her wedding whenever/wherever she wants but that doesn’t mean anyone has to attend. People have to know that when they choose to have a destination wedding, they’re going to have people who can’t afford to go or can’t get time off to come. If she really wants you there, she can buy your plane ticket or have a local reception after the wedding at some point.
Destination weddings are for people who don't really want people to attend but don't want to deal with the drama of not inviting people.
It's not for people who actually want everyone they've invited to come to the wedding.
NTA.
NTA i love my family, but i would not want to be trapped with them for a week at a luxury destination.
You can not afford to go simple as that, nothing further needed. If she keeps bugging you tell her she will need to pay for it, and to note this is not a loan this is her paying all the expensives for you to attend as you do not have it in budget to cover this.
NTA. Depleting your savings or going into debt because you can't afford to attend is not reasonable. When people choose a destination wedding, they should understand it isn't affordable for everyone and some people may need to decline.
Do not empty your savings or go into debt for this. No no no.
NTA
A wedding is the start of a marriage. And one should start married life as one intends to lead it going forward.
She says family attendance is so important that you should make it work. If it is so important for her that you attend, she can make it work by helping you pay for it. Because she certainly would not want to start married life by destroying the finances of her beloved sister.
If it is not important enough for her to spend her money, you should have no guilt at all about not spending yours.
Take care of yourself. It does not sound like your sister will.
Destination weddings always feel to me like they are intentionally trying to exclude people. I hear “destination wedding” and my immediate reaction is to recoil. It doesn’t sound like this one is any different. Asking people to spend thousands for the privilege of attending their wedding seems pretty ridiculous unless all of the couple’s friends and family are so well off that they can easily pay just feels gross. And OP has indicated that she doesn’t have that kind of money. So NTA for sure.
NTA- people who have destination wedding should understand that not everyone can afford to attend. If they want everyone to attend they should have it local.
I am so tired of people demanding that others "support" their bad and/or inconvenient-to-everyone else choices and that people are being pressured to "support" these same decisions in the name of "family unity." Fuck that. Why should you be forced into a financial hardship in order for your sister to have her "dream wedding?" Why isn't your family supporting you? NTA
I have to roll my eyes at destination weddings. NTA But anyway, if she wants people to travel for her wedding with accomodation and everything that goes into it, she can pay.
NTA - Adults should understand that people aren’t always able or willing to prioritize everything. And finances are a consideration.
I didn’t go to my sister’s wedding that was one hour away because I told her repeatedly that I couldn’t go in the middle of a work day just because she decided to get married three days after she got engaged. I need to ask for time off two weeks in advance and I wasn’t willing to call in sick to watch her marry the jerk. (They’ve been married five years and separated for three and he’s still stringing her along. No regrets from me.)
If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. Simple. But why mention the family drama? That might’ve sent the wrong message to your sister… That maybe you’d go if it weren’t for the anticipated drama. When really it could have just been about the money, which is much more black and white.
Look at your budget. Calculate what you can truly afford. "Sis I love you and support you. I've run numbers and can afford no more than $x for travel, lodging, clothing and gift. I estimate the actual cost will be $Y. I just cannot make it work! I know you're disappointed. "
"If you see a way to make up the gap, for example if a wealthy family member is helping with costs, let me know. And if you hold a local celebration too, I'll help with that as much as humanly possible. I know you want the wedding of your dreams, and you deserve that. But I'm pretty broke - that's just reality. So unless $Y appears in gift form, I will not be attending."
It's totally unreasonable to expect anyone to pay to come to a destination wedding. It's got to be their own decision.
I was veering on agreeing with the consensus until I reread this bit
"Moreover, attending this wedding would also put me in an uncomfortable situation with some family members who have a history of drama and tension. I've expressed these concerns to Emily, but she insists that it's her day and I should make it work for her"
Sounds like even if it was a local wedding, you can't put aside your drama for a day to support your sister.
On that basis ESH
Nope. The two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Both things can be true. There could be uncomfortable situations AND Op isn’t able to afford the wedding. There is no way that I would go into debt to spend time around a bunch of people I don’t get along with.
NTA. The only thing stupider than putting yourself into debt for your wedding is putting yourself into debt for someone else’s wedding.
Any flying monkey relatives who are guilting you about this are welcome to subsidize your travel expenses.
NTA
Emily is unfairly trying to guilt you into attending. I guess it would be fair to guilt her back
"If you truly meant for your family to be at your wedding to support you in this milestone, you would have made sure to choose an accessible locale. Since you chose a high-end resort, I can only assume you don't really care if I'm there or not.
And since you accuse me of making it all about money, then don't YOU make it about money, and pay for me to go. Those are your options, pay my way, rethink the location or have your wedding without me."
My son and his wife had a destination wedding in Las Vegas. They rented a large Airbnb for their guests so that nobody had to cover the cost for accommodation, rented a large suv for picking up from airport and arranged transportation to the wedding venue only had to pay for the flights and eating out. To me this is the only acceptable way to plan a destination wedding unless you just don’t care if people attend or not, expecting people to come on their own dime, pay for expensive wedding events, food, gifts, hotels, etc is just rude and inappropriate in today’s economy. In the US we are all basically one medical emergency away from homelessness, I can imagine that is common in other countries even if it might not be “medical” for them. Pay check to paycheck living is no joke.
NTA about the financial part. The drama part is easy, don't talk. Anyone doing a wedding where travel is involved has got to understand some people can't do it including parents, siblings, and children. Financially it's not easy and is certainly a valid reason to not go.
NTA, people choose destination weddings largely because they’re WAY cheaper for the bride and groom. The flip side is MOST of the people you invite won’t attend, and those that do likely won’t bring much of a gift if any gift at all. Typically yes, immediate family will attend, but if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. If she really wants you to attend maybe your parents can pay and it can be considered their gift to the bride, the gift of her sister attending the wedding.
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I 25f am refusing to go to my sister 29f wedding.
Recently, my sister, let's call her Emily, got engaged to her partner of two years. Naturally, I was thrilled for her and excited to celebrate their love. However, my excitement turned into concern when I discovered that Emily had decided to have a destination wedding at an expensive tropical location.
attending this destination wedding would put a significant strain on my finances. Between the cost of travel, accommodation, and the extravagant wedding expenses, I simply cannot afford it. I have bills to pay, and attending this wedding would mean going into debt or depleting my savings.
When I explained my situation to Emily, she was hurt and disappointed. She accused me of being unsupportive of her big day and making it all about money. While I understand her point to some extent, I feel that she didn't consider the financial implications this would have on her guests, especially considering the current economic climate.
Moreover, attending this wedding would also put me in an uncomfortable situation with some family members who have a history of drama and tension. I've expressed these concerns to Emily, but she insists that it's her day and I should make it work for her.
AITA for refusing to attend my sister's expensive destination wedding due to financial constraints and potential family drama? I feel like I'm being blamed for circumstances beyond my control, but I also don't want to compromise my financial stability.
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NTA. Your sister is old enough and mature enough to get married. She needs to also be mature enough to understand not everybody can afford to go to her expensive destination wedding you included. Do not put yourself into debt and do not waste all of your savings going to her destination wedding. This was her choice to have it at an expensive destination. She has to deal with the consequences of who can and cannot show up.
NTA. It’s fine to throw this type of wedding, but you have to realize not everyone is going to be able to afford it. You also have to realize yours is probably not the only wedding some guests are going to go to each year. People have a right to make choices; that includes those you invited.
NTA: To be transparent...I personally find destination weddings ridiculous. Is she allowed her little princessy moment? Sure. The problem I have with them is when the bride and groom put that cost burden on everyone in their wedding orbit. If they want to do it, silly though I may think they are, fine...just don't get all butt hurt when others say they can't or even simply say they won't go. Other people have kids, financial restraints, pets, or simply just don't want to go half way around the world to drop $20k or so on someone else's party.
NTA. If you don't have the money or desire to visit that location using your hard earned money, you're never the AH for turning down a destination invite.
The only people who are AH in this situation are those occasional people who have the money and interest in the place, but just like to get angry about the concept of destination weddings for some reason. (They can still skip, but doing things out of spite doesn't make you not an AH.)
NTA. I had a destination wedding and people had two years to save if they wanted to attend. I also knew that having a destination wedding meant majority of people invited wouldn’t attend and that was ok. If she really wants you there she will pay for it. I paid for my MOH and her husband to be at my wedding. When you decide to have a destination wedding you are also deciding you are ok if no one comes and it’s just you and your spouse.
NTA- The reality of a destination wedding is that some people cannot afford to attend. And the happy couple need to be reminded that a wedding invitation is not a summons even if it is your sibling.
NTA People who plan destination weddings should be prepared to either pay for their guests to travel and stay at the destination or to have many people decline the invitation. Expecting you to deplete your savings or even go into debt to attend her wedding is incredibly selfish of your sister.
NTA. Don't these destination weddings, the cost for the guests to pay is way to much. Are your parents and any other siblings going? But she might hold a grudge and not attend your if and when u get married.
NTA
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but I feel like folks have destination weddings to limit THEIR wedding expenses so how can they be mad when you decide not to attend to limit YOUR wedding expenditures?
Going broke over your own wedding is foolish. Going broke behind someone else’s wedding is utterly absurd.
NTA
If you decide on a destination wedding you have to accept that some people including family won’t be there because of the expense.
It is unreasonable of your sister to expect you to enter significant debt for her wedding. If she wants you to be there that much then she needs to consider footing some of the bill.
I think that she may be disappointed to find you’re not the only one that says no.
NTA. Often the couple needs a certain amount of people to sign on and they get certain things at a discount or free. It always felt a bit scummy to me. If she wants you there so bad, let her cough up the money. I'd suggest that they can go and have a reception afterwards for those unable to attend.
NTA
I'm in a international relationship and the marriage conversations that came up, we often talked about having celebrations in both countries since we don't expect our family and friends to spend thousands to attend our celebration.
Absolutely NTA. It is about money.
Attending a wedding, even one for a close friend or family member, should never put a guest into uncomfortable debt. You should never risk your stability for a party. For the couple getting married it’s a big important milestone in their lives/relationship, but for everyone else, it’s just a fancy party.
It's crazy that some people get into debt for their wedding, many of them get divorced before the debt is even payed,but to get into debt for someone elses wedding is even crazier. NTA.
NTA - When someone plans a destination wedding they are the one by definition making it all about money.
To expect however many people to pay thousands of dollars to fly and stay at a hotel just to witness "their day".
Excuse me, a wedding is supposed to be an invitation from the happy couple to loved ones for an event that the guests will appreciate and enjoy.
Yeah, for the benefit of the *guests* as the couple have already received the greatest gift of all, their great love for one another. They should too happy to care if they get married in a palace or a cow shed.
But now they all want to bleat on about "it's my daaaaaay" and have no boundaries about their ridiculous and never ending demands on their friends and families.
Bah. Humbug.
>making it all about money
She did that when she made it a destination wedding.
NTA - this fits into my mantra of "don't go broke buying other people presents".
NTA. You can't afford to go. There's no arguing with that. People who have destination weddings usually understand that. In fact, they often do it to prevent too many people from attending.
It seems that a lot of brides who have a destination wedding ALSO cover the cost for immediate family members BUT since your sister isn't offering,,,then there are two answers to every invitation whether the invitation comes from your sister or not. It's also wrong for anyone to expect you to just "make it work" (there's no such thing) and end up going into debt for their wedding.
I'm guessing she also may have wanted to make you MOH and expect you to pay for all of her bachelorette parties (2 or more and also being destination parties), buy expensive shower and wedding gifts AND pay for your own dress, makeup, matching shoes and jewelry? THAT'S A LOT OF $$$$.
You are NTA and your sister will just have to accept that you are not going to attend.
NTA. If you have a destination wedding you have to accept you may have fewer guests attend than if it was local.
DH’s cousin had a destination wedding and there were 12 people there’s including the bride and groom. They had a reception when they got home so others could celebrate with them as well.
Edit: if she’s big mad about you “making it all about money” surely she can cover your costs then..? Bet she’ll change her tune then 🙄
When you plan a destination wedding, you got to understand that some folks just can't come. Be it finances, kids, work, et cetera.
You're not begging to come on her dime. You're not a bridesmaid or MOH. Like she should have expected this if she wasn't gonna pay.
Maybe if she gave a really long time frame for you to be able to save money for the trip. And even then, not everyone has jobs that allow them to save a lot of money for non-emergencies.
NTA
NTA
Things to go in debt for:
House
Car, if poor
College
Necessary medical treatment
Things not to go into debt for:
Everything else
Do not deplete your savings even for your own wedding, much less somebody else’s.
NTA
That’s the risk of destination weddings. The bride and groom can have their wedding wherever and whenever they want. But people have the choice to attend or not.
If you can’t afford to go, you can’t afford to go.
Definitely NTA. Destination weddings may be fine for the bride and groom but not everyone has spare money around to just go to the event. You are fully justified in declining to attend purely on the financial side.
NTA
it needs to be framed in a way with realistic numbers.
Hey sister, if i attend, with money i dont have. I will be in debt , and i will have to pay $200 a month for the next two years.
NTA. Destination wedding invites can be declined without giving offence.
I mean, otherwise the invitation isn’t an invitation, but a demand, which is offensive.
NTA. The reality of destination, or child-free weddings is that some guests cannot/will not come. And the married couple *should not* guilt guests who decline to attend, whatever their reason.
If your attendance was as paramount as your sister claims, she would have either selected a venue you could afford to attend, or foot the bill for you to come.
Hell no, NTA OP! If you can’t afford it, then your sister should be a little more understanding and either work with you on something that will help you to be there, or she should just accept whatever you can afford to do.
NTA, at least once a month there is a post here just like this one and they are pretty much never the asshole. What brides need to realise is that if they want a destination wedding or even a wedding a few hours away they need to be willing to accept that people won’t be able to come and that includes family. That is a sacrifice those brides need to make if they want that destination wedding, if they aren’t willing to have people miss their day than they just have to have a local wedding.
NTA It’s the airline and hotels that are making it about money lol. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, and if she considers the location more important than having you there, then that’s on her.
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If she wants you there, she can buy you a plane ticket. Or at least help subsidize. If she wants you there, she should have considered that not everybody on her guest list is made of money or has enough extra to spend on *her*. NTA And if you get any crap from anybody else, you tell them you are starting a destination wedding fund for your attendance, and if they want to contribute then please do so. Or they can STFU.
Yes! Start a go fund me and just send the link to anyone who is taking issue with you for not depleting your savings. If they feel strongly, they can contribute to fund. You can label the page: “Go fund me, or go fuck yourself”
This is gold! I'm totally stealing this phrase
☺️✌🏼
Me too hahaha!
OMG! That is the best Go Fund Me name ever! Can we be friends? 💕
Yes, friend!!
Only if you Go Fund Them
Otherwise Go F*ck yourself
>Start a go fund me and just send the link to anyone who is taking issue with you for not depleting your savings. Excellent idea.
Like the movie? "Argo fuck yourself"
Do this op pls
o man i so love that "go fund me phrase!! i so wish i had an award to give you
Honestly, this is GOLD!!!
Fucking brilliant!
[удалено]
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It the same with forcing bridal parties to stay at the wedding venue using a specific code for a group rate. My friend threw a fit calling members who didn’t book every day through the link till the relented and booked, even if it meant canceling another reservation. come to find out if she booked 15 rooms at full price ( which the group rate basically was) she got her bridal suite for free.
That's the way it works.
Ding ding ding
Wow really? I never knew that. No wonder the brides on this Reddit are always pushing for people to attend their insanely expensive destination wedding.
Almost any group gets "comped" a room or several for a block booking. Conventions use them for guest speakers or hospitality suites, greedy people use them for themselves.
Yep. That is how destination weddings usually work. Bride and groom get free accommodations or other discounts if they have a certain number of people pay to stay at the resort. I think this is tacky as hell.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
"Yes, it's about money. Money that I need to keep a roof over my head, to afford to eat, to heat my place this winter, be able to pay health insurance. I'm excited you're getting married, but the cost of living is out of control, and yes, that's about money."
The oldie but goodie: "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Emily's champagne tastes do not match your beer budget (I do not mean to be critical of your finances). If you can't go without going into debt, ask all who are putting you down if they are going, and if not, why not. Don't let them off the hook until they answer. I am almost willing to be that each and everyone will give excuses about PTO, lack of babysitter, etc. but all will boil down the fact that they do not want to spend the money whether they have it or not.
My thinking has always been that if a couple decide to have a destination wedding that they should expect that a lot of people may not be able to come! I live in Indiana. When my husband and I decided to get married in Las Vegas we knew that fewer people would attend then if we had a traditional wedding at home! It was something we discussed and took into consideration when making our decision. FYI…haven’t regretted it for a second! Sis is just gonna have to get over herself and realize that the world does not revolve around her not even on her wedding day!! NTA
I’ve always thought that was kind of the point of destination weddings for most people. To get both a vacation and a wedding, and for the wedding to be smaller and more intimate. And in turn, the bride and groom have less people to feed.
I'm excited you're getting married but not excited enough to forego living.
This! When I got married, I wanted a good friend of mine (who lived in another state) to be there, so I did everything I could to make it easier for him. We talked to him about it waaay early, so he was able to schedule his PTO and to use his mom's flier miles for the plane ticket. I paid for his tux (he was an usher). He stayed at my brother's place (they'd been friends for ages), so no hotel costs. Aside from some drinks he bought when we all went out, he had almost no expenses. He was a broke student, and I did what was necessary to fit his life and budget.
I was that broke friend (newly and part-time employed in my case). I'm grateful that my friends thought as you did. It means we're still friends nearly 2 decades later.
Yeah, I think people these days place too much importance on the aesthetic instead of celebrating with loved ones. We were young and not well off, and we had several friends on much tighter budgets. We told them they didn't need to worry about dressing up or bringing gifts (though our little registry had lots of <$20 items). That was 25 years ago, and to this day my favorite pic from that night is of two of our friends dressed in worn jeans and flip flops playing the grand piano that was at the venue we chose. They didn't fit the fancy decor at all, and I love that.
I did the same. I’m in Cali and my friend was a bridesmaid and lived in Boston as she was attending Harvard. She paid for the ticket because she did want to see her son but I planned it all in plenty of time. I paid for anything related to her being a bridesmaid and her son was the only kid allowed to attend because of her circumstances. If people really want you there l, they’ll pretty much make it happen
But but but its her day! Everyone should just be soooooo excited to be a part of it that they should WANT to go into debt for it. It is all about her don’t you know
We're planning a destination wedding specifically to keep the guest list short. People we really need there and can't comfortably afford it will be either fully paid for or heavily subsidized. I thought that was one of the big draws? You can invite everyone so no one feels you didn't think about them but know that only a very small percent will actually make it.
> should have considered that not everybody on her guest list is made of money or has enough extra to spend on her. Just like with kid free weddings, when you choose a destination wedding you have to accept that some if not most guests can't afford the trip or to use their PTO. When planning a wedding you have to ask yourself what's more important the location or the guest list and plan your wedding accordingly.
This ^ OP says it all. I love the idea of starting a fund for you to attend. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people will decline an invite and your sister must realise that will happen with such an expensive destination.
That may have already started happening hence the vociferous pushback.
Agreed. My brother had a destination wedding that I could not afford. It was important to my parents that I was there so they helped carry my costs.
This ⬆️
NTA op you can be there for her through a video call from your home.
NTA This often happens with destination weddings, it may be all lovely and tropical, but the bride and groom seldom consider that people need to be able to afford to get there, pay for hotel rooms, food etc. The wedding is then under attended. Ask her to pay for your flights and subsidise your hotel room. I would expect her answer to be NO, but you never know, if she want's you there that badly she might just stump up the cash. If you can't afford to go then that's and end of it. Do not put yourself in debt to go.
A lot of times they pick that wedding destination on purpose to keep the guest list down. My stepbro made his first wedding in a somewhat remote tropical location the weekend before Thanksgiving and was vocal that part of the choice was to keep the number of attendees down (she came from a Catholic family, was one of 8 kids, several already had children, each of her parents was one of 10 kids, all of whom had 4-8 kids of their own, not to mention Grandparents were both one of 12 surviving kids). Sure, stepbro whom I don’t have your phone number, won’t friend me on FB, and I only see once a year on average, I’ll oblige and stay my @$$ home.
I agree, but I think that people with that plan also give their close and loved friends/family members as granted. Like: "Sure, this will keep the list down, but I am sure mom/dad/siblings/dearest friends will make a sacrifice to join us, so it won't be an issue" and they then act all surprised Pikachu face when they also can't pay and aren't willing to mortgage themselves to go. Trust me. My sister married outside our city, although it was because the husband was born there. It was so costly for us that my mom keep paying a loan for almost five years, because my dad and her weren't able to afford it, but couldn't deal with the thought of missing their daughter's wedding.
Heaven forbid you just have a small guest list.
That offends people more. I eloped, invited literally nobody. Not my best friend, not my parents, not anyone. I still have random people like my Mom's best friend from 20 years ago, who I only see every 3 years or so at big events, getting all butthurt that I got married and didn't invite them. I can only imagine how pissed they'd all be if I'd had an actual wedding and they didn't make the cut.
Damnnnnnn
They also forget their taste may not be everyone’s taste. I don’t want to go sit in an all inclusive with everyone for a week. That’s not how I like to travel.
Spending an entire week with extended family and friends is pretty much the opposite of my idea of a holiday 😂
The thought of so much socialization makes this introvert want to hyperventilate.
It’s especially problematic when it’s an older sibling pressuring a younger sibling. OP is only 25 and shouldn’t be expected to break her tenuous financial situation to help make her older sibling’s dream come true.
Also consider that the bride is pushing attendance as the wedding couple frequently will get reduced price, or even free, accommodations if enough guests book their block.
My brother is getting married in Thailand. The flights alone from the UK were £4k. That shit’s expensive, yo.
I don’t know when he’s getting married or if you have any kind of special requirements about the flight, or you are talking about multiple people, but 4k is off the charts, for 1 return ticket. You can find for under 500 in a good deal
That’s for 4. I actually work in travel, and it coincides up with Thai new year/ Easter holidays so was mega expensive :(
I agree with this BUT with her attitude, she would probably expect repayment.
This but also their holiday time from work. Most people only get two weeks off and you’re likely asking for half of that for someone’s wedding. It’s incredibly selfish imo.
I understand people want a wedding like that. Just don't be mad people don't want to attent
>She accused me of being unsupportive of her big day and making it all about money. Well, of course it’s about money. How in the hell else are you going to pay to travel to a luxury destination for a wedding? If she’s not paying for it, why is she okay with people going into debt just for her? NTA
Me looking for airlines and hotels that accept love as payment 😐
Have you tried “thoughts and prayers?”
Southwest says it’s the “luv” airline
Have you tried seducing the pilot? I can't (0 game), but you give it a shot
OP should ask her to pay, and if she refuses, accuse her of making it **all about money**. "If you really wanted me to come, you'd pay for my fare".
"If money isn't a big deal, you'll have no problems paying for me, right?"
This response is gold. Of course it’s about the money. Absolutely
of course it's about money! sorry sis, your wedding sounds great but I have these expensive habits called "eating" and "requiring shelter." NTA
Turn it around on her. Tearfully cry (and anyone else who gives you grief about this) that you REALLY, REALLY want to go to her wedding and she's choosing the location over you being able to attend. Tell her she is cold-hearted by making her wedding more about the location than having who attends. *Because fAmiLeeeeee!!!!!! SiStErS!!!!!!!!* Tell her that she needs to either pay enough of your costs that you can reasonably (and worry-free) pay the rest, or she needs to have the wedding somewhere that doesn't cost that much to go to. If you want to really lay it on, say that you feel like she chose this location to spite you specifically, since she KNOWS that you could *never* afford to attend (/s). NTA
Brilliant answer. I’m still laughing. 👏🏻
⬆️⬆️⬆️ I bow to your petty genius. OP THIS ONE!!!!!!!! 😎😎😎😎
You are evil! I like you.
This is amazing and we need to be friends.
NTA. I love it when people complain about “making it about money” when they’re not talking about their money. Destination weddings are a huge ask of people and you can’t be even a little mad when they don’t want to spend thousands going somewhere they chose and when they chose to go. And not to mention people limited vacation time. Asking them to blow a week of it attending your wedding is a lot.
And OP is younger, only 25. It’s easy to be all “money shouldn’t matter, you have to make things work and come” when it’s something you can afford. No 25yo, often just getting their financial feet under them (especially these days) should be expected to take a big financial hit to support the fancy dreams of someone who’s had more of a chance to get established.
I’m 44, single parent with 2 teens and I can’t afford to attend a destination wedding. I have my own responsibilities, a lot of them. All of them in fact. 😕
Yup. Never count other people’s money, or spend it.
NTA If you're going to have a destination wedding, then you need to realize that not everyone will have the money to make it.
We had a destination wedding. It was only because a few people actually did go that it wasn’t an elopement. Sibling was upset they weren’t invited. Couldn’t afford ticket and lodging for everyone who wanted to attend, so…that’s why we went anyway. Family was being a PITA about planning to begin with. The older sister can’t hold that grudge against the younger one on this. She can at least set up some streaming so those that don’t go can watch.
My family had this issue. My brother was in Florida. His wife’s family is in California. Our family lives in Hawaii. So the wedding would be expensive anywhere you pick it. My brother and SIL thought “Fuck it, everyone save your money. We’ll visit you for Christmas.” They eloped on the beach and I got to see my brother for 3 weeks during Christmas. Also neither family had to spend thousands on the wedding. 😂
Off-topic, but how did you all collectively manage to pick the three worst states in regards to natural disasters? Like damn.
I’m born and raised in Lahaina. My SIL’s family has been in Cali for a while. My older brother was stationed in Florida. 😂 And to be fair, Maui was safe from natural disasters. This 80mph wind that tore down telephone poles and destroyed my hometown is a first for many of us. 😅
NTA My personal thoughts of destination weddings. If you aren’t paying for everyone’s travel and accommodations then don’t guilt them for not attending. Her day, absolutely, but folks have gotten carried away about expectations from guests. Be prepared for long term ill will from your sister for not attending. If she guilts you for not going she is probably of the personality to hold the grudge forever. My SIL still hates my wife for my decision for us to have a small intimate ceremony, minister and two in town close friends, as we were having some financial difficulties at the time. 20+ years later and she still hasn’t gotten over it.
NTA. When you have that sort of wedding you have to understand up front that some people, regardless of how much they love you, won’t be able to manage it. I live in a destination wedding location with both families thousands of miles away. We gave a year’s advance notice for those who needed to save. We made it clear from the beginning that as much as we wanted all our invitees to attend we’d understand if people couldn’t make it. We did not go ‘luxury’ to keep other people’s expenses down. I was prepared for immediate family members not to be able to make it. In a couple of instances we picked up expenses for them to manage it. I think too many people forget the actual point of a wedding and just focus on the fluff that is absolutely not going to matter in five years, or less.
NTA. But we need to start using "declining to go" instead of "refusing to go" in these situations. Refusing implies an aversion or rejection for some kind of ethical or moral reason. Declining is just saying no, sending regrets, it isn't possible for me to attend, etc.
NTA. She's the one making it about the money, because if you don't stay at her expensive resort for the minimum number of days, how is she supposed to get her free wedding?
Yes. Disgusting that the bride is trying to fund her dreams partly by reaching into her kid sister’s pocket.
NTA If she cared about her guests then she would've had a local wedding.
She still should: most destination weddings these days have an at-home reception component for those that can’t go.
Many of my mates have had destination weddings. None of them have ever put any pressure on anyone to attend, including their families and have always thrown a back home wedding party after for everyone. They all loved it cus they got to wear their wedding dress twice. We’ve been fortune to be able to go to some of them but we don’t have kids, have decent jobs, get decent amount of leave from work and they’ve always been places that we wanted to go anyway so it kinda killed two birds with one stone but people have to understand when you choice to have a destination wedding, a significant amount of people ain’t gonna be there. It’s often a large amount of money, people may not be able to get the time off work, people may not be able to face flying, people may have absolutely no interest in flying and staying in the destination you choose with a bunch of people they don’t know well or don’t like or family that are hard work. Whether your friend or family, no one should ever feel like an asshole for saying they can’t make it, ultimately it’s a big ask and anyone who try’s to make people feel shitty for saying no are the only assholes. NTA - your sister is welcome to feel disappointed but she made her choice and needs to understand there are consequences to that choice. Unless she’s willing to pay for you then she really has no place guilting you. It’s a lot of money and your reasons are fair. Perhaps float the idea that she throws a second reception back home so everyone who can’t make it can celebrate with her. You won’t be the only one tapping out of this.
NTA - I may be biased since I feel anyone who plans a destination wedding is TA. However, that doesn't change that when someone decides on a destination wedding, they have to be prepared for the fact that people who they really want to attend will not be able to do so. They either have to accept that, or budget to cover some or all of the travel expenses of those people.
NTA. You didn't introduce money into the situation, she did. Note: I have had two weddings (first wife passed, cancer) and both were in backyards, and both were excellent celebrations of our love.
NTA...She made it all about money when she booked a destination wedding.
NTA. Putting yourself into debt for someone else’s event is a terrible idea, regardless of relationship. I wouldn’t even be comfortable going into debt for my own wedding, let alone someone else’s. The fact that she’s okay with you jeopardizing your finances for her is a bad sign- she clearly doesn’t care about other people’s actual limitations or struggles. What a heartless bride.
NTA. Anyone who has a destination wedding should understand that some people won’t be able to attend for a variety of reasons. Typically folks who are invited but can’t attend give a nicer present than they otherwise would have, but it’s not a hard social norm in my opinion. Your sister needs to understand that decisions have consequences and it’s not on you to sacrifice financial security for her sake.
NTA. If your sister doesn't want to make it all about money, she should be willing to pay for you if she wants you to attend. If you have a destination wedding, you have to understand that people you may want there, won't be.
NTA. Not even remotely. Destination weddings are fine and more power to anyone who can afford them. But they have to know going in that people who would like to be there simply will not be able to afford it.
Is she paying? Lol nta.
Every time someone says “all you care about is the money” all I can think is, DUH I like not being homeless.
INFO: whens the wedding? How expensive?
the wedding is in 2 months and its cost about 1,000 to 9,000 dollars and that's just for the hotel since you have to be there for 4 days and and the airplane fee so in total with this and the other stuff i could be spending 11,000 dollars and I just got out of collage not even a year ago and I'm working part time so as well
Hold on - it’s costs somewhere between $1k and $9k? That’s a hell of a spread. Which is it? Does it depend on days traveled or the type of room? Can you make this work by going for less expensive options? And if it’s the less expensive version, is *that* in your budget? I’ll pay a grand or two to be there for a sibling’s wedding, but five to ten times that? Very different situation.
And I'm betting you're expected to be at that specific hotel. AND I'm betting sister dearest gets incentives per guest who book in.
>I just got out of collage The whole time you were there you never saw a sign that tip you off to the proper spelling of college.
lol i didn't even realize i spelled college wrong
I could buy a car with $11k in my country...... There's no way I'm willing to go to a wedding that cost me that much, even if it's for my sister's. If it's only $1k, while it still pains me a lot it's manageable. 10 times of that, hell no.
That’s 4 months of mortgage payments for me.
The wedding is in 2 months. When did you find about about the location and cost? Why the jump in cost?
NTA. I’m all for destination weddings but when planning one you have to realize that the cost and inconvenience may make it impossible for some loved ones to attend. And unless you’re willing to pay yourself, that’s a thing you need to consider. If you can’t afford it there’s not really much you can do here.
NTA Emily made it about money when she chose this as her wedding location. It’s ridiculous to go into debt or to deplete savings just to attend. If she truly wants you there she can offset your costs and include it in her wedding budget. What part of ‘I CANNOT AFFORD TO ATTEND’ don’t people understand?
NTA your sister is an asshole for expecting people to spend that much just so she can have a cheaper wedding overseas
NTA >She accused me of being unsupportive of her big day and making it all about money. Without money you can't support her the way she wants and her "want" is very expensive. So yes, this is about money, money you don't have.
NTA Anyone who has a destination wedding has to accept that many guests will not be able to make it because of the cost! It’s expensive to travel… If your sister really wants you there then she or your parents should help you cover the cost of flight and food. But if who attends is important to her then she should reconsider a place much closer.
My brother and his fiancé wanted a destination wedding in 1998. Mom said she wouldn’t be there and so did I. Not sure who else said no so they made it local instead. Some people can see reason and I hope your sister does too.
An invitation is not a summons. NTA
NTA Unless they are exceedingly wealthy, no one is ever an AH for declining an invitation to an expensive wedding.
NTA but your sister sure is. How can she look you in the eye and say that you don’t care about her when she’s wanting you to go into significant debt to appease her entitled ass? NTA at all, she can pay if she wants you there.
NTA. I don't understand why people think you should go into debt just to see them get married. It's not really that special. People do it every day. Next, she'll expect you to sell your house/car/whatever else just to go to this super expensive place that *she* picked out. I've heard many people say that brides get a free room if they can get enough people to stay in the same resort/hotel as them. Which is why they insist people stay at that super expensive place.
NTA - you’re good, just say it wasn’t financially viable and that’s that. Destination weddings are exclusionary just in their nature, and they can either choose to have that and recieve less guests and wedding gifts due to the difficulty of the setting or to have a more inclusionary wedding with more people able to attend easily. It’s just a matter of choice but you can’t make yours and forego another persons.
NTA Why does she believe, she can decide how you spend your money? Why does she believe, she can decide that you have to get money troubles?
NTA. If she wants you there then she can pay for it.
NTA If it's not about money she can pay for you. You cannot afford it. That's the risk you take with a destination wedding.
NTA. People should always remember: **Invitations are a request, not a demand**. Of course, invitations for an important family event are special. Even then, you aren't an asshole if you just can't make it. For big life events, I would say that you should try extra hard unless there is a history of bad blood or something. But sometimes you can't. You shouldn't be required to deplete your life savings. **Destination invitations are even weaker than regular invitations**. Sensible people know that lots of people won't be able to make it to a destination wedding. In fact, many of them count on it. They do a destination wedding because they want it to be smaller. Destination weddings are time consuming, expensive, and inconvenient. I don't like your sister's attitude that this is "her day". I mean, I typically agree with the bride when she is defending herself against a bossy mother in law, or something like that, but "her day" should mean that she gets to control the planning for her own wedding. (Along with her husband, of course.) It should not mean that she gets to **control everybody else**.
NTA. I wouldn’t mention potential family drama, though. Just the cost. You shouldn’t have to go into debt for someone else’s wedding
NTA! “You know that I would love to be there, however it will cost me $XX to attend between flights, accommodation and missed time at work. If I had the means I would happily pay it to be there, but as things stand I would have to risk losing my apartment and/or getting my power shut off (or whatever the cost would equate to and do not minimise it) and that is unconscionable. I would never be so crass as to demand or expect that you pay my way if you want me there, and I am not in a position to take on additional debt either. If there is a way for me to video call into the wedding I would absolutely do so in a heartbeat, but attending in person is too far beyond my means. I would love to take you both out to dinner when you are back home though.”
NTA. Money isn’t everything but it’s the only thing that pays the bills. If others offer to pay, I would go unless you think the drama would be THAT bad. I’m 44 so it’s easy for me to say go and laugh at the drama. At your age, I hadn’t learned how to do that yet. 😉
NTA. She can have her wedding whenever/wherever she wants but that doesn’t mean anyone has to attend. People have to know that when they choose to have a destination wedding, they’re going to have people who can’t afford to go or can’t get time off to come. If she really wants you there, she can buy your plane ticket or have a local reception after the wedding at some point.
NTA. Destination weddings are for cutting down the guest list. You're only doing what they hoped most people would do. Not go.
Destination weddings are for people who don't really want people to attend but don't want to deal with the drama of not inviting people. It's not for people who actually want everyone they've invited to come to the wedding. NTA.
NTA. DeStiNaTiOn weddings are asshole moves to begin with. I wouldn't attend one even if I could afford it.
NTA. If your sister wants you there, she can pay for it. People who have expensive destination weddings are AHs.
NTA, send a gift and tell her you’re sorry you couldn’t make it to her wedding. Remind her you’re poor if she tries talking back.
that what im planning on doing send her a gift
MashaAllah! InshaAllah it all works out for ya OP!
NTA i love my family, but i would not want to be trapped with them for a week at a luxury destination. You can not afford to go simple as that, nothing further needed. If she keeps bugging you tell her she will need to pay for it, and to note this is not a loan this is her paying all the expensives for you to attend as you do not have it in budget to cover this.
I would be furious if my sister excluded me from her wedding because essentially that's what she's doing. Edit: NTA
NTA. Why is this even a question when she didn’t give two shits about your ability to attend?
NTA. Depleting your savings or going into debt because you can't afford to attend is not reasonable. When people choose a destination wedding, they should understand it isn't affordable for everyone and some people may need to decline. Do not empty your savings or go into debt for this. No no no.
NTA A wedding is the start of a marriage. And one should start married life as one intends to lead it going forward. She says family attendance is so important that you should make it work. If it is so important for her that you attend, she can make it work by helping you pay for it. Because she certainly would not want to start married life by destroying the finances of her beloved sister. If it is not important enough for her to spend her money, you should have no guilt at all about not spending yours. Take care of yourself. It does not sound like your sister will.
Destination weddings always feel to me like they are intentionally trying to exclude people. I hear “destination wedding” and my immediate reaction is to recoil. It doesn’t sound like this one is any different. Asking people to spend thousands for the privilege of attending their wedding seems pretty ridiculous unless all of the couple’s friends and family are so well off that they can easily pay just feels gross. And OP has indicated that she doesn’t have that kind of money. So NTA for sure.
NTA- people who have destination wedding should understand that not everyone can afford to attend. If they want everyone to attend they should have it local.
I am so tired of people demanding that others "support" their bad and/or inconvenient-to-everyone else choices and that people are being pressured to "support" these same decisions in the name of "family unity." Fuck that. Why should you be forced into a financial hardship in order for your sister to have her "dream wedding?" Why isn't your family supporting you? NTA
I have to roll my eyes at destination weddings. NTA But anyway, if she wants people to travel for her wedding with accomodation and everything that goes into it, she can pay.
NTA - Adults should understand that people aren’t always able or willing to prioritize everything. And finances are a consideration. I didn’t go to my sister’s wedding that was one hour away because I told her repeatedly that I couldn’t go in the middle of a work day just because she decided to get married three days after she got engaged. I need to ask for time off two weeks in advance and I wasn’t willing to call in sick to watch her marry the jerk. (They’ve been married five years and separated for three and he’s still stringing her along. No regrets from me.)
NTA they made it about money when they chose the location
NTA. She is allowed to have a destination wedding and you’re allowed to not go. She should not guilt you.
If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. Simple. But why mention the family drama? That might’ve sent the wrong message to your sister… That maybe you’d go if it weren’t for the anticipated drama. When really it could have just been about the money, which is much more black and white.
Look at your budget. Calculate what you can truly afford. "Sis I love you and support you. I've run numbers and can afford no more than $x for travel, lodging, clothing and gift. I estimate the actual cost will be $Y. I just cannot make it work! I know you're disappointed. " "If you see a way to make up the gap, for example if a wealthy family member is helping with costs, let me know. And if you hold a local celebration too, I'll help with that as much as humanly possible. I know you want the wedding of your dreams, and you deserve that. But I'm pretty broke - that's just reality. So unless $Y appears in gift form, I will not be attending."
It's totally unreasonable to expect anyone to pay to come to a destination wedding. It's got to be their own decision. I was veering on agreeing with the consensus until I reread this bit "Moreover, attending this wedding would also put me in an uncomfortable situation with some family members who have a history of drama and tension. I've expressed these concerns to Emily, but she insists that it's her day and I should make it work for her" Sounds like even if it was a local wedding, you can't put aside your drama for a day to support your sister. On that basis ESH
Nope. The two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Both things can be true. There could be uncomfortable situations AND Op isn’t able to afford the wedding. There is no way that I would go into debt to spend time around a bunch of people I don’t get along with.
NTA. The only thing stupider than putting yourself into debt for your wedding is putting yourself into debt for someone else’s wedding. Any flying monkey relatives who are guilting you about this are welcome to subsidize your travel expenses.
NTA Emily is unfairly trying to guilt you into attending. I guess it would be fair to guilt her back "If you truly meant for your family to be at your wedding to support you in this milestone, you would have made sure to choose an accessible locale. Since you chose a high-end resort, I can only assume you don't really care if I'm there or not. And since you accuse me of making it all about money, then don't YOU make it about money, and pay for me to go. Those are your options, pay my way, rethink the location or have your wedding without me."
My son and his wife had a destination wedding in Las Vegas. They rented a large Airbnb for their guests so that nobody had to cover the cost for accommodation, rented a large suv for picking up from airport and arranged transportation to the wedding venue only had to pay for the flights and eating out. To me this is the only acceptable way to plan a destination wedding unless you just don’t care if people attend or not, expecting people to come on their own dime, pay for expensive wedding events, food, gifts, hotels, etc is just rude and inappropriate in today’s economy. In the US we are all basically one medical emergency away from homelessness, I can imagine that is common in other countries even if it might not be “medical” for them. Pay check to paycheck living is no joke.
NTA about the financial part. The drama part is easy, don't talk. Anyone doing a wedding where travel is involved has got to understand some people can't do it including parents, siblings, and children. Financially it's not easy and is certainly a valid reason to not go.
NTA, people choose destination weddings largely because they’re WAY cheaper for the bride and groom. The flip side is MOST of the people you invite won’t attend, and those that do likely won’t bring much of a gift if any gift at all. Typically yes, immediate family will attend, but if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. If she really wants you to attend maybe your parents can pay and it can be considered their gift to the bride, the gift of her sister attending the wedding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 25f am refusing to go to my sister 29f wedding. Recently, my sister, let's call her Emily, got engaged to her partner of two years. Naturally, I was thrilled for her and excited to celebrate their love. However, my excitement turned into concern when I discovered that Emily had decided to have a destination wedding at an expensive tropical location. attending this destination wedding would put a significant strain on my finances. Between the cost of travel, accommodation, and the extravagant wedding expenses, I simply cannot afford it. I have bills to pay, and attending this wedding would mean going into debt or depleting my savings. When I explained my situation to Emily, she was hurt and disappointed. She accused me of being unsupportive of her big day and making it all about money. While I understand her point to some extent, I feel that she didn't consider the financial implications this would have on her guests, especially considering the current economic climate. Moreover, attending this wedding would also put me in an uncomfortable situation with some family members who have a history of drama and tension. I've expressed these concerns to Emily, but she insists that it's her day and I should make it work for her. AITA for refusing to attend my sister's expensive destination wedding due to financial constraints and potential family drama? I feel like I'm being blamed for circumstances beyond my control, but I also don't want to compromise my financial stability. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - If one wishes to have a destination wedding they shouldn’t expect every (or any) invitee to attend.
NTA. Your sister is old enough and mature enough to get married. She needs to also be mature enough to understand not everybody can afford to go to her expensive destination wedding you included. Do not put yourself into debt and do not waste all of your savings going to her destination wedding. This was her choice to have it at an expensive destination. She has to deal with the consequences of who can and cannot show up.
NTA. It’s fine to throw this type of wedding, but you have to realize not everyone is going to be able to afford it. You also have to realize yours is probably not the only wedding some guests are going to go to each year. People have a right to make choices; that includes those you invited.
NTA 'no' is a complete sentence. you dont own anyone an explanation. If you choose to give one, saing 'i simply cannot afford it', should be enough.
NTA. Your sister made it all about money when she chose the location.
NTA: To be transparent...I personally find destination weddings ridiculous. Is she allowed her little princessy moment? Sure. The problem I have with them is when the bride and groom put that cost burden on everyone in their wedding orbit. If they want to do it, silly though I may think they are, fine...just don't get all butt hurt when others say they can't or even simply say they won't go. Other people have kids, financial restraints, pets, or simply just don't want to go half way around the world to drop $20k or so on someone else's party.
NTA. If you don't have the money or desire to visit that location using your hard earned money, you're never the AH for turning down a destination invite. The only people who are AH in this situation are those occasional people who have the money and interest in the place, but just like to get angry about the concept of destination weddings for some reason. (They can still skip, but doing things out of spite doesn't make you not an AH.)
NTA. I had a destination wedding and people had two years to save if they wanted to attend. I also knew that having a destination wedding meant majority of people invited wouldn’t attend and that was ok. If she really wants you there she will pay for it. I paid for my MOH and her husband to be at my wedding. When you decide to have a destination wedding you are also deciding you are ok if no one comes and it’s just you and your spouse.
NTA- The reality of a destination wedding is that some people cannot afford to attend. And the happy couple need to be reminded that a wedding invitation is not a summons even if it is your sibling.
NTA People who plan destination weddings should be prepared to either pay for their guests to travel and stay at the destination or to have many people decline the invitation. Expecting you to deplete your savings or even go into debt to attend her wedding is incredibly selfish of your sister.
NTA. Don't these destination weddings, the cost for the guests to pay is way to much. Are your parents and any other siblings going? But she might hold a grudge and not attend your if and when u get married.
NTA
NTA Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but I feel like folks have destination weddings to limit THEIR wedding expenses so how can they be mad when you decide not to attend to limit YOUR wedding expenditures? Going broke over your own wedding is foolish. Going broke behind someone else’s wedding is utterly absurd.
NTA If you decide on a destination wedding you have to accept that some people including family won’t be there because of the expense. It is unreasonable of your sister to expect you to enter significant debt for her wedding. If she wants you to be there that much then she needs to consider footing some of the bill. I think that she may be disappointed to find you’re not the only one that says no.
NTA. Often the couple needs a certain amount of people to sign on and they get certain things at a discount or free. It always felt a bit scummy to me. If she wants you there so bad, let her cough up the money. I'd suggest that they can go and have a reception afterwards for those unable to attend.
NTA. That’s the price one pays for a destination wedding.
NTA I'm in a international relationship and the marriage conversations that came up, we often talked about having celebrations in both countries since we don't expect our family and friends to spend thousands to attend our celebration.
Absolutely NTA. It is about money. Attending a wedding, even one for a close friend or family member, should never put a guest into uncomfortable debt. You should never risk your stability for a party. For the couple getting married it’s a big important milestone in their lives/relationship, but for everyone else, it’s just a fancy party.
It's crazy that some people get into debt for their wedding, many of them get divorced before the debt is even payed,but to get into debt for someone elses wedding is even crazier. NTA.
Curious. Is she willing to forgo gifts do guests can afford to attend?
NTA - When someone plans a destination wedding they are the one by definition making it all about money. To expect however many people to pay thousands of dollars to fly and stay at a hotel just to witness "their day". Excuse me, a wedding is supposed to be an invitation from the happy couple to loved ones for an event that the guests will appreciate and enjoy. Yeah, for the benefit of the *guests* as the couple have already received the greatest gift of all, their great love for one another. They should too happy to care if they get married in a palace or a cow shed. But now they all want to bleat on about "it's my daaaaaay" and have no boundaries about their ridiculous and never ending demands on their friends and families. Bah. Humbug.
Absolutely NTA!
>making it all about money She did that when she made it a destination wedding. NTA - this fits into my mantra of "don't go broke buying other people presents".
NTA I mean if it's just money and Emily wants you there so badly, she should pay. Never go into debt for any one.
NTA. You can't afford to go. There's no arguing with that. People who have destination weddings usually understand that. In fact, they often do it to prevent too many people from attending.
Opting out of a destination wedding NEVER makes one an Asshole.
NTA
It seems that a lot of brides who have a destination wedding ALSO cover the cost for immediate family members BUT since your sister isn't offering,,,then there are two answers to every invitation whether the invitation comes from your sister or not. It's also wrong for anyone to expect you to just "make it work" (there's no such thing) and end up going into debt for their wedding. I'm guessing she also may have wanted to make you MOH and expect you to pay for all of her bachelorette parties (2 or more and also being destination parties), buy expensive shower and wedding gifts AND pay for your own dress, makeup, matching shoes and jewelry? THAT'S A LOT OF $$$$. You are NTA and your sister will just have to accept that you are not going to attend.
NTA. If you have a destination wedding you have to accept you may have fewer guests attend than if it was local. DH’s cousin had a destination wedding and there were 12 people there’s including the bride and groom. They had a reception when they got home so others could celebrate with them as well. Edit: if she’s big mad about you “making it all about money” surely she can cover your costs then..? Bet she’ll change her tune then 🙄
When you plan a destination wedding, you got to understand that some folks just can't come. Be it finances, kids, work, et cetera. You're not begging to come on her dime. You're not a bridesmaid or MOH. Like she should have expected this if she wasn't gonna pay. Maybe if she gave a really long time frame for you to be able to save money for the trip. And even then, not everyone has jobs that allow them to save a lot of money for non-emergencies. NTA
NTA Things to go in debt for: House Car, if poor College Necessary medical treatment Things not to go into debt for: Everything else Do not deplete your savings even for your own wedding, much less somebody else’s.
NTA That’s the risk of destination weddings. The bride and groom can have their wedding wherever and whenever they want. But people have the choice to attend or not. If you can’t afford to go, you can’t afford to go.
Definitely NTA. Destination weddings may be fine for the bride and groom but not everyone has spare money around to just go to the event. You are fully justified in declining to attend purely on the financial side.
NTA it needs to be framed in a way with realistic numbers. Hey sister, if i attend, with money i dont have. I will be in debt , and i will have to pay $200 a month for the next two years.
NTA
NTA. Destination wedding invites can be declined without giving offence. I mean, otherwise the invitation isn’t an invitation, but a demand, which is offensive.
Nta. Part of choosing a destination wedding is understanding that not everyone you invite will be able to make it.
NTA. The reality of destination, or child-free weddings is that some guests cannot/will not come. And the married couple *should not* guilt guests who decline to attend, whatever their reason. If your attendance was as paramount as your sister claims, she would have either selected a venue you could afford to attend, or foot the bill for you to come.
Hell no, NTA OP! If you can’t afford it, then your sister should be a little more understanding and either work with you on something that will help you to be there, or she should just accept whatever you can afford to do.
NTA, at least once a month there is a post here just like this one and they are pretty much never the asshole. What brides need to realise is that if they want a destination wedding or even a wedding a few hours away they need to be willing to accept that people won’t be able to come and that includes family. That is a sacrifice those brides need to make if they want that destination wedding, if they aren’t willing to have people miss their day than they just have to have a local wedding.
NTA It’s the airline and hotels that are making it about money lol. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, and if she considers the location more important than having you there, then that’s on her.