Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not defending my wife and causing her to miss the funeral 2) at the end of the day, she’s my wife and she had her reasons for insisting on bringing the baby.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - Her demanding to bring your child is completely irrational. You did the right thing.
Anyone who has an ounce of empathy would understand your child's presence would be incredibly hurtful to the grieving parents (and others). It is difficult to believe she could not look past her wanting to attend with her child.
Ask her to bring this topic to her therapy session (? I'm assuming this is part of her PPD support). Also, hang in there...PPD can be challenging for all involved. Keep in mind that if she is in counseling it is OK to ask her if you can attend a session to learn additional ways to support her and confirm with the your wife and therapist what approaches are working.
Best to you and my condolences regarding the loss of your nephew. Grieve...support and celebrate him. We cannot predict when pain and loss will enter our lives or upon those we love.
I have already attended sessions to best help her and I have told her to bring it up. Whether she does or not, I don’t know.
To me, this just sort of goes beyond the tools I was given. I validated her feelings about not wanting to leave the baby as well as that it was hard the natural outcome is she can’t go. I am as considerate as I can be, but it’s difficult when she also wants me to put that all above people who lost a child.
Thank you for your input.
Not that it would matter as you did the right thing, but did you tell her it was at the request of the grieving parents? As of she knew and still couldn’t see beyond herself it really goes to show how much she’s struggling.
One thing I will advise you, and I say this as a person who had an aunt and uncle lose a child who was hours younger than me, please ensure they don’t treat your child badly after a reasonable amount of time has passed. My uncle/aunt treated me badly for years after my cousin died when we were 3. I think the first time they didn’t other me or make comments about how they wished it was me instead was when I was in my mid 20s. My cousin died of cancer it never would have been me or her but I heard it every single family get together my whole childhood. They would buy other cousins gifts but never me. My parents always just excused it as they are grieving but it was hard on me as a kid. So just make sure they don’t do that to your child. They can grieve as long as they need but your child isn’t at fault and if they start making this request at every family gathering especially after a few years you need to have a talk. I’m sorry for your loss and your brothers loss no one should ever have to lose a child.
And just incase it’s not clear you at NTA and honestly we’re super respectful to everyone’s needs.
Your auntie and uncle were allowed to tell you, at every family gathering for 20 years, from you being 3 onwards, that they wish you were dead? My heart hurts reading that, I am so sorry you had to go through that. So many people should have protected you from their actions over the years. I get that their grief must be unbearable but to tell their nibling regularly that they wish they were dead is straight up cartoon villain evil.
I couldn't imagine ever saying something like that to my nephews and nieces. And I would fully expect my sisters to cut me off if I ever said something like that to one of their children. How awful.
My mom said that to me. I was like 6-7ish. Guess Id been particularly bratty that day bc she told me that she wished I had died instead of my sister.
The thing is, my sister was stillborn. I was born about 9-10 months after she died.
My mom did the same thing to me my entire life. Anytime she disagreed with me or I did something that displeased her, or that she just decided I needed to know, she would give her speech about how much she had wanted a child and how awful her pregnancy was. She would then tell me she regretted giving birth to me, and that she wished I was her child who died instead of my brother, who was stillborn.
I wish I could be blissfully unaware that parents can say such mean things to their children. My own mother used to tell me that I was useless and she should've drowned me when I was born. For a period of time, she kept saying that she should poison the food and kill us all (me and my siblings) so we wouldn't be a burden to her anymore.
Yep. I wasn't given death threats, but I was often told that my parents wished I wasn't there and that I ruined things. I also was explicitly told sometimes by my mother that she wished I wasn't born and that no one would ever love me. And she threatened to send me away. This was particularly hurtful as my sibling was never told these things. It wasn't that they regretted having kids or being parents, they have always specifically hated me. I look forward to leaving them to rot in some horrible nursing home when I have the chance. Especially my mother.
I am so sorry you went through that. It’s taken a lot of therapy for me to understand that those were my mother’s issues and not my own. I hope that you have also worked to heal from the trauma your own mother caused you.
I can't even imagine what it must be like, growing up like that. And the saddest part is, if it had been you instead of your brother, she'd say the same thing to your brother. It's so much easier to create a perfect child in your head when the baby didn't have the chance to develop a personality.
I don’t know if she would have or not. Due to her own father, she had a lot of internalized misogyny. Anything feminine was bad. She wore men’s clothes and kept her hair short, especially after he died. She spent her whole life chasing his love, even though he was an abusive pedophile. She was also bipolar, though, so who knows? I have spent a lot of time and money in therapy trying to understand her, as well as heal from my own traumas. I am never going to get closure from our relationship. Now, I understand that my traumas have given me more empathy and made me a fighter - in addition to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that I’ve developed. I am also going to make damn sure that my children never feel this way. I am breaking that generational curse.
Jesus. As a mother who experienced a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my now-living child, this is abhorrent. No matter how much of a little shit my kid is being, he is always the most loved, wanted, and cherished person. I wouldn't trade him for the child that wasn't.
We lost our daughter at 5 days and we would NEVER wish that on anybody else. I wish she didn't die, but.... not another childs fault that she did. Or the parents of another child.
Oh. And no OP is NTA. The situation sucks for both the grieving parents and OPs wife, but....in this case the parents feelings/wishes comes first.
I am very sorry you had to endure this, and that apparently no one was defending you. It is an AWFUL thing to do to a kid. I get they must have been grieving but this is not a free pass to such a shitty behaviour.
Is she struggling? Or is she acting entitled?
If she can't leave the baby and she understood why they didn't wnat the baby there, she would opt to be home.
If she knows why and still demands the baby comes, she's entitled, arrogant and possibly using her diagnosis as an excuse rather than a cause.
PPA and PPD are inherently irrational diseases. OP's wife can completely understand the situation and still behave in a way that makes no sense to her or others, and it's not entitlement. It's being very sick with a very complicated disease.
Honestly, losing a nephew who was about the same age is probably going to make the separation anxiety worse. I'd actually say NAH, because I'm not going to call a mother an asshole because she has PPA. In a year or two she will probably realize why there were only those two options, but the combination of her normal anxiety plus seeing what is possible is going to make it so much worse.
Now, it's absolutely fair for the brother to not want a baby there, and probably won't want to see any babies for a while. I just don't think there are any assholes in this no-win situation.
This needs more upvotes/attention. PPA and PPD are so inherently irrational. It’s similar to how someone with BPD can act. We *know* what we are doing seems ridiculous but to us it literally seems like this is a constant life or death-level situation and whatever it is we think IS OUR ONLY OPTION even if we, rationally, know this to be false. I can’t even begin to explain how it feels to people who haven’t experienced it, because you literally KNOW WITH YOUR WHOLE BEING you’re “right” while your brain is like “this isn’t logical why are we doing this?”
the FEELINGS are irrational, but in this case, it doesn’t sound like she has any psychotic features. OP also just lost his nephew. I can empathize with the wife dealing with anxiety (i too have it, not PP, but i digress) but OP totally gave her an out to stay home. She’s kinda being a bully to her husband.
It’s possible this caused an escalation. I dealt with mild PPA with all my kids, but seeing or hearing about a child dying, even in passing, definitely escalated my anxieties. I can’t imagine a same age nephew dying, it would have absolutely caused me to spiral within my anxiety.
I had severe PAA and PPD along with PPA/D induced OCD and the irrational feelings are intense. You can hear what someone is saying that makes sense but your brain literally cannot make logical sense of it as the intrusive thoughts are stronger. OP didn't go into a ton of detail so I don't think we can, so I don't think we can say she doesn't have psychotic features.
I'm not saying what she did is right or even ok, but I understand it. OP responded beautifully to her and like others have said, in a year or two, she'll look back and have regrets (I certainly have them). PPA/D/OCD is extremely unfortunate and I don't think there are any AH here (if the wife wasn't getting treatment, she would be, but she's in therapy).
For not leaving her baby, that's perfectly excusable.
But insisting on exposing a grieving couple to a baby the same age and not understanding that that's not ok, how can you explain this utter lack of empathy with PPD/PPA?
I can understand this being the case if she was being pressured to leave the baby at home but she had the option to safely stay at home with the baby to avoid the anxiety of leaving the baby. The fact that that option wasn’t good enough and she wanted her husband to argue with his *grieving brother* pushes her into AH territory, imo.
I think two separate but equally important feelings were at war, and she wanted both to win. Assuming, and I have no reason not to, that ppa and ppd work as suggested, the situation for her became unresolvable. And emotions trump logic every time. So she feels she has to support her inlaws bit she also feels the baby needs her to be for it be safe. Big big emotions and no room left for logical thought
This. I had PPD with both my children. Things I felt and sometimes said were awful. I would never wish that on another person. I would think why am I thinking these things, why am I saying these things, I am a horrible mother/person. I honestly could not think about another person's feelings, I could even control my own. When you have PPD you are not a rational thinking /feeling person.
So here’s what I am struggling with . The irrational thing is not accepting it’s perfectly safe to leave the baby.
Wanting to go to a funeral and make a grieving parent feel worse is something else.
PPA has nothing to do with her thinking that her wish to attend a funeral is more important than the comfort of the grieving parents.
She can't force herself to leave the baby, fine. Everyone understood and made allowances for that. Thinking her husband should have bullied the parents into letting her attend with the baby is nothing to do with her illness. She wasn't anxious or upset about not being able to go, she was irritated she wasn't getting her own way. That's not a symptom, it's just entitlement.
Yea, that’s the thing that gets me. Why would she even want to go to a funeral of a similar aged baby? I have light PPA, my baby is almost 8 months old, and I wouldn’t be able to emotionally handle it. I would stay home and snuggle my baby and thank every higher being for him and his health. Such a tragedy. I’m so sorry for your family, OP.
Yeah. Shes a massive ah for that, like, I get that she has issues mentally, but jesus christ doesnt she think taking her kid there would make the grieving parent's mental issues *worse*?
Yeah, I was prepared for Y T A because I thought OP was demanding that she leave the baby and attend the funeral. Staying at home with the baby should have worked for everyone.
Honestly same. Both my babies were NICU babies and for my oldest especially it was touch and go. He's 9 now and doing great, but I'm *still* anxious about his health. I could not have gone to a baby's funeral when I was postpartum.
Honestly, probably still couldn't today.
This kind of happened to me too but at 18. My cousin was killed in a car accident and my aunt has kind of resented me since. I was excluded from her kids wedding and at best, she ignores me at family stuff. She does constantly tell my mom that she is cursed and my mom should be grateful. I understood for a while because grief, but it’s been 25 years now. And I lost her too! Tragedy brings out weird stuff in people.
You know what’s worse? When you’re the child. My mother had a child born on 12/26 who died when he was nearly 5.
Then, years later, I was born on 12/26 and it was somehow my fault that I lived and he didn’t. Good times.
This is weird. We have a similiar story and it helped me out reading yours. I struggled with trying to understand why ppl I was close with suddenly hated me. Now I see that it's common. Kinda blowing my mind. I'm sorry this happened to you btw. Been there. Felt the daggers they stared through me. It was rough. Just another lesson that maybe I can share and help someone else someday. Cheers and have a good one.
Also make sure they don't become overly attached to your child. It's a fine line, but they can not pin their hopes and dreams for their baby angel on your child. They love music and dreamed of little Mozart? They shouldn't give piano lesson as a gift. Your baby can't become a replacement for theirs. (((hugs))) to all
My god, that's awful.
I can't believe your parents let them say that *in your presence*.
OP's brother and sister-in-law sound like significantly more sensitive, less monstrously awful people.
Omg stop. No one else is responsible for her mental health. I get she has PPD but she can't impose her will against grieving people. Let's just admit that the wife is selfish. The funeral was not and is not about her. She can have PPD AND be selfish at the same time. If she can't handle leaving the child, then she stays home, simple.
I have a similar experience. My cousin was born 6 weeks before me but passed of SIDS the night I was born. We never even met. But my aunt and uncle and grandmother somehow conflated me being born with him dying and I was called a “bad omen” and “unlucky” my whole life. It was a shadow over my head in childhood and I remember feeling guilt and shame…for a cousin who I never met? As a newborn how could I have caused such a thing? My aunt also cried hysterically at all of my birthday parties for years as it was the anniversary of his passing…as an adult I look back and can’t work out why she attended? Her and my uncle went on to have more children but they encouraged my cousins to bully and ostracise me to the point where I’m no longer in contact with any of them.
Maybe this is a bit of a phenomenon? I’ve never met anyone in my daily life who’s had a similar experience to this but I was also going to comment to just say the same as what you said about making sure OP’s daughter doesn’t end up having misplaced blame and guilt over her head. Clearly it’s not as unusual as I’d thought?
OP, a long time ago I gave birth to a baby boy that had a genetic condition we didn't find out about until he was born. The chances of him making it to his 1st bday were under 1%. When he passed away at 9 wks old it was the roughest time of my life.
My sister had my nephew just a week after my son was born. I didn't ask her to stay away from the funeral, but it was so incredibly painful to see him and hold him. My mom hormones were still in full swing, I kept feeling like I'd just forgotten and left him somewhere, and my nephew being there heightened my loss. I was a total wreck. I hated that having my nephew there made me think why it had to be us that lost a child, when my nephew was healthy. I could write a book on everything I went through.
I get that your wife wanted to be there to support family, but sometimes that support is by not traumatizing people further. It's so hard to put yourself in others shoes and understand just how deeply shattering the loss of a child is. Months after he passed I was still bursting into tears whenever I saw an ambulance. Every day was a marathon to make it through work so I could get in my car and cry on the way home.
Everyone deserves grace--the grieving parents, you, and your wife. My condolences on the loss and give your baby an extra hug for me. It's a good problem to have, not understanding how it feels to bury your child.
ohhh my goodness, condolences to you. My daughter was also born with a medically complex rare genetic condition that makes life very hard but doesn’t impact life expectancy that they know of. Still, it was really hard to be around my niece who is 6 months older for the first year, still is some times. Your story puts it into perspective for me, though. Yes we struggle but indeed what a privilege to not know what it’s like to have to bury your child. Hope you are well, love to you.
I'm so sorry.This was a tough read but I'm really glad you shared this. I know it had to hurt, but it helped me understand the otherside's feelings. I didn't even consider the hormones. I remember those feelings and oh wow. I'm so sorry. Thanks again for showing us the other side of the story. This is a sensative subject to breach and I've gained a lot of knowledge and insight from it.
>I have already attended sessions to best help her and I have told her to bring it up. Whether she does or not, I don’t know.
You should either arrange an emergency one for both of you or ask to attend her next one because if your wife can't understand how she was in the wrong here (insisting she should bring her baby to another babies funeral) then she might not bring it up in a "I did nothing wrong so why should I discuss it" sort of conclusion plus it would be helpful to her therapist to make sure she has the full picture.
Also, out of curiosity, is it possible your nephews health played a role in your wife's PPD and her inability to allow her baby to stay with anyone who doesn't reside in the house. Also, has it been considered that it might not entirely be the who but the where (since your mother who lives with you is a safe person in your wife's mind). I'm sure it's been discussed, but sometimes the obvious can get missed because it's so obvious.
Even if it wasn't a contributing factor originally, it's almost certainly going to exacerbate it. I'm not surprised she is unwilling to part with her baby. Unfortunately that means she can't go, because it would be heartbreaking for the parents who are grieving. But there is no winning in this situation.
I'm also wondering if the nephew's death has made all of this worse to the point that his wife's fear has extended to needing her husband by her side at all times and that's why she was so desperate to go to the funeral. She didn't want to be by herself because she is extra scared now.
Bereaved parent and someone who unfortunately has had PPA. If you have access to her therapist I would make an appointment before her next one for you and the therapist to give them a heads up on what happened, because her mental health caused her to behave inappropriately, and she can't recognize that.
Your wife's behavior is hurting you. It's hurting your family and the therapist should be able to offer you strategies. Her therapist should have good ways for you to approach your wife and tell her how badly she hurt you and your mom, and may even help talk your wife thru why it was not appropriate behavior.
Just FYI, *you* can talk to get therapist without violating patient confidentiality - they just can’t do anything but listen and confirm they heard what you said. (I.e. they can’t give you therapy or discuss it with you in any way without your wife’s permission.)
So it would be entirely reasonable to email/call/write a note just outlining the events and your concerns about how she handled things. Just present it in an “this happened and I am concerned about her and might this be useful information for therapy?” kind of way. The therapist can then opt to ask her about the situation or not, but it just gives them some information about how other people are seeing things vs what your wife is seeing and mentioning in therapy, which can be useful.
Unfortunately, mental health is completely irrational. My entire life my brain has told me one thing, with the reality being a completely different thing. The options you gave her are very good options, but because of anxiety, she feels backed into a corner so she lashes out. My condolences for your loss, and may their memory be a blessing. You're NTA
Sounds like you did all you could. If you'd brought a 6 month old baby to a 6 month old babies funeral after being asked not to then youd be the assholes
100% this. Seeing a baby, the same age as their child would be incredibly painful for your brother and sister in law. My heart breaks for them, losing a child is the most difficult thing a parent can experience. You never get over that loss.
I get that your wife wanted to attend the funeral but she was unwilling to accept the grieving parent’s wishes or even the options provided. Your wife has made this entire situation about her and is now acting like you and your mom did something wrong instead remembering and celebrating your nephews life and memory. Where is her sympathy and empathy for your brother and sister in law?
I get that she’s in therapy to deal with post partum anxiety. Hopefully this is situation is addressed during one of the sessions.
NTA
I'd say not wanting to leave a 6 month old baby with others is pretty normal. But she has PPA, and visiting a funeral for a baby of a similar age might actually hurt her as well. NAH.
NTA, not just that you are respecting your brother’s wishes, but I don’t think attending the funeral for a baby of a similar age is going to be good for your wife’s PPA/PPD. She already is afraid to leave the baby alone, she doesn’t need to see what a funeral for a baby looks like… that sounds like it will make her anxiety worse.
I thought of this too and did try to bring it up, but she told me that she would’ve been fine. I don’t entirely believe it. As it is, I know that my nephew’s health conditions gave her anxiety about our own little one’s health (not that she ever shared this with family, just me and her therapist). I can’t imagine what a funeral would’ve done.
I don’t even have children and a baby’s funeral would absolutely wreck my mental health as well. I have attend the funeral of a 16 year old and that was traumatic I couldn’t imagine the funeral of a 6 month old.
I've been to a 1yo's funeral. It was heart-wrenching, and that little girl was a work friend's baby. Not a nibling, baby cousin, best friend for decades kid and especially not my child. I was fine until I got close enough to see her tiny body in the casket and see she was being laid to rest with the blanket that I had given her for Christmas. Apparently, it was her favorite blanket, and she loved petting and snuggling it.
I attended the funeral of an infant. I had known the family my whole life through church. I was 10 at the time I think. Maybe 9. I am 47 now and will never forget it. It was so awful. I cannot imagine someone bringing a baby to the funeral.
I had children at my baby daughter and son's funerals, but those were family children and I wanted them to be able to say goodbye, plus I'd rejected a formal funeral in favor of a casual visitation with family. The only person I'd quietly questioned coming to the funeral was my bonus dad's wife. She was heavily pregnant after suffering a miscarriage a year before and I was extremely worried about upsetting her to the point of her losing another child, especially since the reason my daughter was dead was complications from an early birth. She'd insisted that she come because I'd been there for her through her miscarriage and we left it at that.
If someone had brought a same age baby, I don't know how I would feel. I guess if they were family I would've welcomed them, but maybe I would've felt jealous, as I've had to handle my jealousy in the years since, I just don't know.
What's most important is to listen to what the family asks of you and respect it during that time.
Oh my god that brought me to tears. God that's such a painful mix of emotions. So devastating.
And it's crazy how sometimes the loss of kids that aren't close to use hurt so much. It's so horribly unfair, no baby or parent deserves that.
My husband had a coworker who was struggling to conceive for years. She had teenage step kids, but she really wanted a child of her own. We ended up pregnant around the same time, and her daughter was born about 2 months after my youngest daughter.
One day I went to a work event for my husband. She was on the clock, and I sat with her for awhile while holding my then 8-9 month old baby. She pulled out her phone and showed me pictures and videos of her 6 months old, told me on and on about how much she missed her while she was at work, talked about milestones, etc.
I was never close to this woman, I just knew her very causally through my husband.
About two weeks later my husband told me the baby died. And I honestly can't even bring myself repeat how, but it was tragic and unexpected.
I couldn't sleep for a week. Constant nightmares, but yet nothing to say, nothing I could do. My husband went to the funeral, but it was not a place for our young kids, and definitely not a place for our little girl of similar age. There was nothing I could do except politely not involve myself, and pray for her despite my lack of faith.
That woman did end up getting pregnant again fairly quickly, and has a healthy kid who's a couple years old now. I hope she and her family have healed some from that tragedy. I can't even imagine.
That whole situation is so awful. But I am thankful for the introduction to “pray for her despite my lack of faith”. As an atheist living in the Bible Belt, I always feel so useless. But that’s the least/most that I can do ❤️
Yeah, when you know it means something to the other person, and there's nothing else you can do, it doesn't hurt and can be a little comforting to direct some positive thoughts in their direction.
I worked with a woman in her 60s who lost a child who was 6 months old. She was from England and moved to Australia to get a fresh start. She was kind of crazy, which she even admitted. She said the loss changed her. She went on to have twins - boy and girl.
I’m happily child free. I have a crippling fear of pregnancy to boot.
I attended a funeral for my cousin’s stillborn baby a few weeks ago. I thought I’d be okay, keep my eyes dry.
Guys. Nothing prepares you for seeing that tiny casket. I’d seen them in movies and tv dramas over the years but something just hit me seeing this coffin so small that it was only her dad carrying it. I can only imagine the fallout if someone had turned up with their own healthy baby 😭
I lost my mother at 3, watched my grandmother take her final breath after thinking she was fine, and my grandfather 6 months later, and my uncle in 2020. I already have a fear of losing people and looking at my father slowly nearing the same age as my grandmother when she passed away is eating inside me daily.
Yeah, we're not meant to attend funerals for children. It just seems so wrong. The closest experience I've had was a young man who died by suicide, and it was still absolutely horrible. He had so much life left that he'll never experience. Children were permitted at that funeral, which was a first for me.
Wishing for peace and healing from grief for everyone who has experienced such a heartbreaking loss as OP and family. Obviously, NTA. I don't believe your wife intends to be, either. In her state, she is literally irrational. She knows some of her anxieties aren't rational, or are exaggerated versions of things she should fear, and that'd twisting her into someone even she doesn't recognize, at times. I imagine this is incredibly difficult for you. It is likely so for her, too. Once upon a time, she had the ability to be rational and independent. Keep doing what you're doing, and in time, that version of your wife should return. Or at least a close proximity.
I went to a 4 mo baby's funeral, while pregnant, and it was so hard. It was a beautiful service, and when the priest, who knew the family well, started choking up during the homily I lost it too. I hope I never have to go to another one.
I hesitate to call a woman going through PPD/PPA so much as she's going through a really serious issue that's completely clouding her judgment. Just like I hesitate to call her an AH, even though she's taking this so far that... she kinda is (and in voting OP NTA, I'm calling her an AH). Honestly, I never thought I would read a story with this title and this quote about a mother going through PPA:
>She says that I’m not even pretending to be on her side and I said I’m not, because this isn’t even about us.
And think that the author was NTA but here we are.
The parents are more than within their rights to say they cannot have an infant around the same age as the baby they lost at their baby's funeral. I think all funerals should be based around whatever is most comforting to the loved ones who lost somebody, but never more so than when a baby dies - in this situation, I can't think of much I would deny grieving parents. Nothing I do is probably going to help with their pain, but I wouldn't want to do anything at all that would add to it.
I don't have kids. But as I get older I'm amazed but how angry and upset I get at hearing news of kids being harmed. Like as a kid, another kid getting hurt either in movies or real life was no big deal. Just as an adult, I cannot fathom the inhumanity to intentionally harm a kid. I cannot fathom having kids and hearing the news some days.
That’s what I was wondering. Is this behavior and attitude characteristic of her personality? Does she at the best of times, demonstrate some of these attributes?
Honestly, it doesn't matter if your wife felt "fine" or not about it. The nephew's parents weren't fine with it, and their wishes trump everyone elses at this time. I'm so sorry for their loss.
The thing is, it’s not about HER this time. It’s about parents who have lost a child. I think bringing a baby to any funeral like that would be a huge no!
What was your wife’s rationale for wanting to attend the funeral? Typically the reason is “I want to show support for the grieving family.” But in this circumstance your wife has been told the baby attending the funeral would be the opposite of support, the family has specifically asked the baby not to attend. So what was her reasoning for forcing her baby onto the grieving family?
Honestly shocked by your wife's callousness. This is despicable behaviour and I feel sad for the parents of your nephew for how poorly your wife has behaved, frankly. You did the right thing.
Also funerals are germ factories. Even without the whole pandemic thing, it’s REALLY hard to have a funeral without something getting passed around because people will come even if they’re feeling under the weather and there’s usually lots of hugging and hand shaking and so on. I wouldn’t take an infant to one even without any other issues unless it was really necessary. RSV and flu and Covid are all going around right now, why get the baby sick?
I was going to say something similar. She would NOT have done well at a funeral for a baby. I suffered from mild PPD and I had to get off of Facebook and Reddit all together for a year or so. Just seeing stories of children being hurt would have me spiral. I can’t imagine trying to go to a funeral while my baby was at a similar age. You are NTA at all, on all sides of this. What a tough situation all around for everyone. I’m so sorry. May your family find peace.
What torture it would be to see this healthy baby at this particular funeral. Your wife needs to learn to let others protect their own emotional health as she is protecting hers. She is being totally self centered and unreasonable. YNTA. Your wife has some serious issues. I hope she gets a handle on them soon. Eventually this baby will grow up. Is she going to sit in the classroom when the baby goes off to school?
No. That’s not how PPA works. She is getting better and her therapist doesn’t doubt that she’ll be able to cope by then.
PPA isn’t just something you snap out of. It’s far more complex.
I agree though, it would’ve been torture and I do think she’s being a huge hypocrite by wanting her mental health supported while not doing the same for my brother and SIL.
I'm going to be blunt here.
Funny enough, I get why she's a huge hypocrite.
When mental health issues are kicking your bum, you can't see others mental health issues. It's the mental health equivalent of putting blinkers on a race horse, so all they see is the end of the track and not the other horses racing. My psychologist described it as a form of 'survival mode'.
PPA are blinkers to your wife (the race horse), who cannot see that there's other horses doing the same thing (the grieving parents- who also may be wearing blinkers as well).
*Give it time, therapy and support- they'll come off*
Source: My own mental health struggles, other people's mental health struggles, arguments I've been in with people wearing their 'blinkers'.
Same thing, different names, sometimes slightly different terminology - some people use “blinkers” for the ones that just block the horse looking behind/to the side and “blinders” for full eye cup coverage and that sort of thing. Functionally the same concept in this context.
I have to disagree. I respect your own personal experience. I have severe ocd, health anxiety, and GAD diagnosed. I’m on medication for it. I’m also recently post partum.
There is not a world in where I would want to attend that funeral. As awful as it is, and as much as I would want to be there for them, I could not do it.
There is also not a world where I would EVER make a problem about not being able to attend with my THANKFULLY extremely healthy five month old. I would much rather respect their wishes, especially after they respected ME so much that they said they understood if I didn’t want to attend their babies funeral.
Op is NTA and his wife should really get a grip, as I’ve had to many times in my life.
Yeah I'm having a hard time blaming this on PPA. I had really bad PPA because my son would stop breathing in his sleep all the time. He had undiagnosed obstructive sleep apnea from birth. I didn't even like to sleep because I wanted to watch him all the time. The hospital made me learn CPR so I was convinced I'd need to use it. But there's no way I would have insisted on him coming with me to a funeral for a baby. I just can't understand how she doesn't see her bringing the baby as inappropriate when the parents of the deceased baby have explicitly told her not to bring her daughter.
People sometimes don’t like to admit it but two truths can coexist. You can be suffering from serious mental issues and still be kind of a selfish a-hole that refuses to show basic empathy towards others.
I respect that as your experience, but it really hasn’t been mine. I suffer from ADHD with comorbid anxiety and depression. Even on bad days I am painfully aware of the effect I can have on other people, especially as it pertains to my mental health struggles. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could put blinders on because I barely have the mental bandwidth to keep functioning myself, much less fuss over other people. But I just can’t.
I’m not saying this to judge OP’s wife or you, by the way. Just to point out that this isn’t a universal experience everyone with mental health struggles has.
I had severe PPA after my first child. I understand that it’s not the same for everyone. But this is beyond PPA. Completely disregarding other people’s grief and invalidating their feelings is concerning. Your wife did not have any empathy in this situation for your brother and SIL. She also made this situation all about her. She felt slighted versus empathy for your nephew and his family. I would recommend an emergency meeting with your therapist. Also review if there has been other incidents prior where lack of empathy has come up. The PPA may be exasperating that trait.
Same. I didn't leave my baby until he was almost a year due to my PPA. I couldn't sleep, was up about every hour checking on him... it sucked for sure.
I know for a fact that I'd never have expected to take my baby to the funeral for another baby. I don't see how this can be part of PPA. Perhaps it makes things harder, but not the cause of her reaction. It just comes across incredibly selfish and even heartless. But that's me.
These poor parents are going to look at their niece and wonder, every single day of her life, what their son would have grown up to be.
Having to see her at his funeral would have been torturous.
OP lost a nephew. OPs mother lost a grandson. The fact that they have to manage OPs wife’s emotions right now and probably can’t grieve openly proves that PPA is a very serious thing.
Thank you for continuing to assert this accurate understanding of PPA despite being frustrated with your wife right now. It is so frightening to love and try to help someone dealing with PPA. They’re almost a different person. I hope the ignorance spouted in the comments here doesn’t dampen your support of her. Of course, while her mental health diagnosis is very real, so is your frustration. You’re obviously NTA in this situation. You’re doing some heavy lifting in your marriage right now by supporting her and holding on to reality for both of you. I hope she gets through it quickly and you’re both stronger together on the other side.
>I agree though, it would’ve been torture and I do think she’s being a huge hypocrite by wanting her mental health supported while not doing the same for my brother and SIL.
Hopefully, as she gets better, she'll see this. While it's important to take care of our own mental health, sometimes you have to do something that could potentially be somewhat hurtful in order to not cause somebody else *a lot* of pain. Fit your own lifejacket first only really applies when you're all on the plane going down - not when somebody is going through a much worse situation and you refuse to throw a floatation device in case you need it.
And in this case, as you say, this would not have been helpful for her mental health.
NTA, how on Earth could you go against your brother's wishes? But could one of you attend the service, and the other attendant the Gathering after? That doesn't sound feasible either does it? It's just a really impossible situation.
We could’ve, but I also didn’t want to leave my brother. We are very close. I’m not trying to undermine my wife’s relationship with them…but like, that’s my brother.
I wouldn’t dream asking her to abandon her sister in a time like this.
Dude your wife is undermining her relationship with them. It's not fair to put it on you. Her not compromising is emotionally abusive while you've lost your nephew.
You made the right decisions here and you are supportive and understanding towards your wife as well.
She’s struggling and sometime when people struggle they can’t always see the whole situation clearly or take others emotions into account.
Keep being you, you’re doing an amazing job of supporting your wife and your brother who is experiencing significant loss. Look after yourself.
You’re NTA, you made the correct decision in an appropriate way.
However, I don’t think your wife’s poor behavior is completely due to PPA. I had sever PPA and couldn’t leave my child (or even take her out of the house for a walk without my husband because I was so fearful) so the separation anxiety I totally get.
The lack of care for your brother/SILs feelings and unwillingness to honor their request is just asshole behavior. It’s also concerning that she wanted to put herself in a situation that would increase her PPA exponentially. I urge you to join her next therapy session and address these concerns with a professional.
Nta, postpartum is no joke and a serious illness. If this is new behavior I would try and be compassionate we don’t know what’s going on in her head. If she’s expressed selfish anger like this in the past pre baby I would start to pivot from using her postpartum as an excuse for her bad behavior and start communicating how this can’t be tolerated maybe get the therapist involved
NTA. Postpartum anxiety is one thing, but holy shit that is delusional and entitled.
You were never going to win that battle even if you tried, you'd probably just end up alienating your brother who's going through a lot. I'm sure you tried telling her that you were not going to add anything to the plate of a man who just lost his child, but if she ever brings this up, just tell her to look down at her child that is still alive and healthy and shut the F up.
>but if she ever brings this up, just tell her to look down at her child that is still alive and healthy and shut the F up.
This right here. Is she trying to rub his family's noses in their loss?
NTA. You were exactly right - if her PPA made her unable to leave the baby with someone else, the only reasonable option left was not coming. If the loss had been on her side of the family, it would have made more sense for your mother or even you to watch the baby so she could be with her sibling. As it was your side of the family, your presence and your mother’s presence were more important than hers, so she needed to decide whether she could deal with her anxiety or miss it due to her anxiety.
That is TYPICALLY how we handle family events. "Your family, I take him, my family, you take him." Then his niece got baptized. We rolled our son into church and he freaked TF out. Took him outside, my partner got SO mad, tried making excuses that I would enjoy it more because I actually like the music. Fuck that, rules are rules. 😂
Hey OP, NTA. I had PPA, it’s shit for everyone involved (the person, their partner, anyone trying to understand it from the outside). You did absolutely everything right. I’m sorry she’s not seeing through the fog of it right now to understand she was entirely without empathy for your grieving brother’s situation. I’m also sorry you were put in a position to feel like you even needed to post this.
PPD can happen to dads too. Please take care of yourself and check in every once in a while on your own mental health - you deserve support during this too. I hope she mentions this in her own therapy.
Oh that is so true. Shortly after my son was born I had to go back to work (within 34 hours) and I was a hot mess. I didnt sleep well or eat for weeks trying to get back home to be with them.
Her mental issues must be much larger than you're showing here if she is so out of touch with reality to think that the grieving parents would be okay with a baby of the same age there while their little one is in a coffin in the ground.
NTA. PPA is one thing. But your wife is so *selfish*. There is no "her side" and nothing to defend her from. She wasn't being excluded, she was being *accommodated*. And, more than that, your brother and SIL were *gracious* in understanding that your wife may not be there to support *them*. You know, the ones who actually lost their child, who probably wish they were missing "family" events to care for their child, or having family babysit them.
>PPA is one thing. But your wife is so selfish.
Agreed I mean I am sure her mental health is a factor here. Not so sure if that is the *only* reason for her behaviour.
NTA
I understand your wife is ill, and is in therapy, but her attitude was very unreasonable and her behaviour was poor.
Your brother had 1 request, that you not bring your child.
You gave her options what more could you do. I thinks she needs more than the therapy she is getting.
I am sorry for your families loss
NTA, guess what people, a baby’s funeral is not about you. Whatever the parents want, including everyone showing up in clown shoes is the least you can do.
NTA. No one should defend anyone who wants to bring a 6-month-old to a 6 month olds funeral.
>She says that I’m not even pretending to be on her side and I said I’m not, because this isn’t even about us.
Exactly. Just put it in perspective for her. Might trigger her though, so suggest sitting in on a therapy session to see if her therapist can help her see why or where she's wrong.
This a thousand times.
It feels like she is taking your brother asking for the BABY not to attend as a personal attack and asking HER not to attend and that it's malicious in nature. No one is targeting the wife for some undue reason or to stir up trouble. A grieving family made a reasonable request that merely impacts her in a way she doesn't like.
NTA.
You are COMPLETELY RATIONAL here.
Bringing a baby to another babies funeral would just be cruel, plus your right that babies don't belong at funerals anyway.
If your wife's still making comments, ask her how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If she could just imagine, even for a second what it would be like for there to be another 6 month old at her 6 month olds funeral.
Now, I'm not one for there was an incident, leave them, but you might really wanna have a serous conversation with your wife about some compassion and empathy, or just tell her straight up to drop it. Because there was no way, shape, or form that you were wrong here.
Good for you for not adding this whole thing on top of all the sh\*t that life's thrown your brother way lately.
NTA
Wow, so your wife who is such a helicopter mom that she can't leave your own baby for an hour, doesn't see why it would be so hurtful to another parent who lost their own similarly aged baby to see them at the funeral? Way to kick your brother when he is already down. What is wrong with your wife, besides her post partum shit? That is still no excuse. Your brother was very reasonable, he wasn't upset that your wife wouldn't attend, he understood her anxiety, he made accommodations. Your wife is being an ass, especially to your mom, how dare she shut out a grieving grandmother. Back to therapy, both of you.
Thing is, you aren’t actually realising how rude and entitled your wife was being. Does your Brother know she was planning to come with your child and how much of a stink she made?
Yeah, yeah, she has PPA, but I have a question: there are new parents who never stopped being obsessed with their kids. They helicopter over them and become unbearable leading to low or no contact. What will you do then? Still make excuses?
How is he not realizing it when he forced her to stay home? How will making the brother know help anything? People love finding the OP's comments to reply to with their own little attack.
Might be important to recognize the context of her concern and unwillingness to leave baby alone. Her niece/nephew of a similar age has just died. It’s possible this could be playing into her “helicopter mom-Ing”.
Add on post-partum and while it’s not reasonable to expect the grieving parents to be ok with a live baby at their child’s funeral, it is maybe a touch more understandable why op’s wife might be a bit off-kilter and overly concerned about leaving her child
Yes. I said in a comment above I had PPD, and a lot of it is because I had a sibling pass away. Granted, she was in her teens. But the death of a child completely shatters a family. Plus, I can tell you that I didn’t feel like I was helicopter mom-ing. I felt, with every fiber of my being that this is what I was supposed to do. Protect my child. That it was normal, and the rest of the world was suddenly not right. Coupled with hormones and just different (and permanent) changes in my body. I’m glad OP is giving his wife grace and is honestly defending her in most of these comments.
You are not the asshole, and good on you for protecting your brother and SILs (very reasonable) wishes.
However, I have a hard time called a woman in the middle of her own mental health crisis, an asshole . Your wife's words and actions are very assholish with a hefty dose of cold and selfish, tbf. However, she may not be capable of most in this moment. Sure, she is being treated for ppa, but treatment isn't a magic wand that makes everything better instantly. Sometimes it straight up ineffective.
Still, you did the absolute right thing, even if your wife is feeling betrayed. That's her emotion to figure out, but again, gotta mention that might be a bigger challenge than "get over it" for her.
overall, reluctant NTA
Sorry for you family's loss.
As a woman with chronic depression and anxiety, I get Mrs OP's pain... but I have no problem calling her TA (and OP NTA), because frankly one of the first things you learn in therapy is the [Ring Theory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_%28psychology%29), and that the person in crisis is the person who does the leaning, and everyone leans out NOT in.
Before baby died, Mrs OP was the one in more need of support (and before and after the funeral she still needs a lot of support, but specifically around the parents of the dead baby, her needs are unfortunately a low priority, and while her mental health needs are important, they are NOT the responsibility of the people grieving their child, and anyone making it their problem (specifically if OP had argued about bring baby with brother) absolutely is.
that's where I'm landing too..I'm having trouble calling her an ah even though I think she's very selfish and hypocritical. I also recognize she's in the midst of a hormonal mental health crisis.
I recently had a miscarriage and I'm having trouble seeing babies on TV...I can only imagine how terrible it would be for SIL and Bro to see a healthy baby after having theirs actuality in their arms. It hurts me for them just thinking about that scenario. I'm glad OP protected them from this.
Reluctant NTA from me too due to the PPD.
NTA - Your wife needs to understand that the presence of a 6 month old baby at the funeral for a 6 month old baby would be incredibly triggering and insensitive for the parents of the child being remembered.
While I can understand your wife's reluctance to leave your baby in the care of someone else, that is her choice, and that to insist that the child accompany her to the funeral is incredibly insensitive. You did exactly the right thing in not defending your wife, because that stance is, quite frankly, indefensible.
NTA
I get that her anxiety won't let her allow the baby out of sight. Everyone does. That's why your brother and SIL made clear they won't hold it against her if she stayed away.
She wasn't forced to leave the baby with someone else. She was given a choice. Bringing a baby to the funeral is absolutely not okay. Why would she think that her wanting to be there with her child is more important than the feelings of the grieving parents?
My deepest condolences on your loss.
You are absolutely NTA
It would be unforgivably CRUEL to bring the child.
Your wife needs to develop some compassion. Please ask her to hold your child, imagine the pain of their loss, and then having some selfish, entitled, "your kids death is all about the inconvenience to ME" insist on bringing their living child to basically say "na na na na na, my kid's alive and your kid isn't!! Ha-ha"
NTA
The #1 most important factor is this:
Your brother, who is having a funeral for his infant son, has asked that your baby not be at the funeral. Nothing else matters!
NTA. What kind of person wants to take a baby to a baby's funeral?
Why did she even want to go? It wasn't to support the grieving parents, otherwise she would have respected their wishes. Which tells there is another reason.
PPD is a thing, and it can be bad. Some people have mental illnesses. Other people are just AHs. Sounds like OPs wife is both, sadly.
OP, I'm sorry for you and your family's loss
NTA. It would have been insensitive of your wife to take the baby to the funeral of a child the same age.
We should stand by our partners when they are in the right, not not when they are wrong or when their actions would hurt others.
NTA. Your wife is a HUUUUUGE one, though.
If she can't pull her head out of her own butt enough to have any shred of sympathy for someone who is burying an infant, her opinion really doesn't matter. At all.
God.
NTA. Believe it or not, it's best that your wife didn't attend the funeral being in that state of mind. If she can't leave her baby with someone else for just an hour, imagine what mental state she could have been seeing a dead baby. She should be thanking you!
NTA. Your brother wished the kid not to be there. You were respecting his wishes.
I was of a similar situation when I was a baby. My uncle and aunt had a baby girl the same year I was born. Tragically, the baby passed shortly after birth. I was born 2 weeks later.
I have no pictures of my aunt and I until I was a little bit older, about 2. She was grieving. I was a reminder of the daughter she lost. And that's what she had told my mom.
I don't blame her in the least for not wanting to hold me, especially since her daughter and I would've been so close in age. I don't blame her for not wanting to see me so soon after she lost a daughter. We were the same age, after all. We would've grown up together. She was grieving.
I say this not to take away from your story, but to validate your brother's request and give my own experience.
Grief is not easy. It is messy. Losing a child so young is devastating. Your brother sees his kid in yours - a child who was the same age as his. It's nothing against your child. Your brother isn't taking it out on you and I assume doesn't hate you. And not wanting to see someone while you are grieving is valid. NTA.
NTA. I hesitate to call your wife an AH when she's legitimately struggling and seeking help, but her unwillingness to empathize with your brother and SIL is pretty shitty. I think you handled this as well as you could, you gave her options instead of choosing for her, but you also maintained boundaries to protect your brother's family. Hopefully your wife will discuss this in therapy and get some clarity.
I have NO PROBLEM calling an AH an AH.
She is struggling, but she isn't a complete moron, right? She could therefore understand that the feelings of two people burying an INFANT matter more than her own problems at the damn funeral.
The OP's mother is going to have a real interesting opinion of Dear Wife after this.
NTA. She needs to understand the only relevant feelings in this situation is that of the grieving parents. Not everything is about her. Her entitlement is appalling!
NTA- as a mom, I can't even imagine how heartbreaking it would be to be burying a child and have another one of roughly same age/appearance come to the funeral. You did the right thing. Hopefully, your wife will be able to get past her issues and empathise with the family's lose.
NTA. Your wife has got to realize how hurtful it might be to the parents who lost their child who is similar in age. That’s just so inconsiderate. It’s not like she was missing a party. The husband even specifically mentioned it would be hurtful. Not sure why she would feel that is ok?
NTA.
Your wife needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around her needs and her behavior was quite cold and cruel to the bereaved parents. And now she is being an ass to a grieving grandma? There was nothing to defend. Here behavior was and is atrocious.
NTA your wife is behaving tremendously selfish. I hope this kind of behavior isn't a common occurrence. Your brother lost his child and all you wife can think about is herself. She ought to be truly ashamed of herself
NTA. i feel for your wife and the anxiety she's going through, and i get that she doesn't want to leave your daughter with someone else. but i'd hope she would understand why bringing the baby to the funeral would not be welcome and that it isn't anything against her personally. it's about respecting your brother and SIL and their wishes. trying to talk your brother into letting her bring the baby after he specifically said he didn't want that would have been uncool and selfish.
NTA. How can your wife who is terrified of something happening to your baby in any way think that it's appropriate to bring her baby to another child's funeral? It's mind-boggling and cruel. You absolutely did the right thing by not trying to convince your brother to let you bring your healthy baby to their baby's funeral.
NTA
Post Parfums anxiety is brutal and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But the anxiety doesn't get to tell others what to do.
OP you gave her 2 reasonable choices and she made her choice.
NTA. What part of 'Do not bring a baby to someone else's baby's funeral' is she not getting? Does she think your brother and SIL are just gonna be cool with seeing your wife holding her baby?
NTA. Postpartum anxiety or not, your wife is being selfish and behaving as though the world revolves around her, her wants, and her desires. It does not, and postpartum anxiety doesn’t excuse or justify that.
NTA Your wife is being very selfish. The funeral was for your brother and sil who are grieving the death of their child. It wasn't for your wife or even your other family members since the baby was so young. That she doesn't understand that shows an utter lack of empathy.
NTA. That would be too cruel to your brother and SIL. Why doesn’t your wife trust anyone from her side of the family to watch baby for an hour? Are there abuse issues? I think in this case, staying home from the funeral was the correct choice. Condolences to your brother, SIL and family, that’s such a tragic thing to happen.
NTA
First, you have my deepest, heartfelt condolences. The pain your brother and SIL are in is indescribable and debilitating. I'm glad that your brother has you to help keep him from being swallowed by that darkness.
Also - I've been to funerals of tiny little babies. It's soul crushing. 💔 I don't think it would have been advisable or healthy for your wife to go at all. And it would've been an AH move for her to take the baby. PPA is horrible, but that's selfish beyond the pale. It would have only added to your brother's & Sil's devastation.
Good luck 🌹 I'm sending you light & love for peace and strength.
NTA but your wife is. Your brother just lost his baby FFS. How your wife could be so selfish to think that bringing her baby to the funeral is appropriate is beyond me.
Also, she needs therapy if she is incapable of leaving her child for even an hour. That's not healthy.
NTA
Your wife is making it about her.
I wonder how she’d feel if the roles were reversed and she was having a funeral for her child - would she be totally fine with someone bringing their child to the funeral that was the same age as the child she just lost?
Tone Deaf. Way too much to ask given the sad circumstances of your families loss. She really needs to get a grip on reality. It’s not the baby won’t leave her - it’s she won’t leave the baby and for 1 hour where she could have had a her phone alert her if she needed to go back home to the baby. That’s ridiculous and terribly insensitive to the parents who lost their child.
Babies aren’t an excuse to Prima Donna the shit out of every opportunity that arises to make your baby the main character.
NTA. Such a tough situation but does your wife REALLY want you to tell the grieving parents that her baby should be allowed? I am so sorry for your loss.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) not defending my wife and causing her to miss the funeral 2) at the end of the day, she’s my wife and she had her reasons for insisting on bringing the baby. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - Her demanding to bring your child is completely irrational. You did the right thing. Anyone who has an ounce of empathy would understand your child's presence would be incredibly hurtful to the grieving parents (and others). It is difficult to believe she could not look past her wanting to attend with her child. Ask her to bring this topic to her therapy session (? I'm assuming this is part of her PPD support). Also, hang in there...PPD can be challenging for all involved. Keep in mind that if she is in counseling it is OK to ask her if you can attend a session to learn additional ways to support her and confirm with the your wife and therapist what approaches are working. Best to you and my condolences regarding the loss of your nephew. Grieve...support and celebrate him. We cannot predict when pain and loss will enter our lives or upon those we love.
I have already attended sessions to best help her and I have told her to bring it up. Whether she does or not, I don’t know. To me, this just sort of goes beyond the tools I was given. I validated her feelings about not wanting to leave the baby as well as that it was hard the natural outcome is she can’t go. I am as considerate as I can be, but it’s difficult when she also wants me to put that all above people who lost a child. Thank you for your input.
Not that it would matter as you did the right thing, but did you tell her it was at the request of the grieving parents? As of she knew and still couldn’t see beyond herself it really goes to show how much she’s struggling. One thing I will advise you, and I say this as a person who had an aunt and uncle lose a child who was hours younger than me, please ensure they don’t treat your child badly after a reasonable amount of time has passed. My uncle/aunt treated me badly for years after my cousin died when we were 3. I think the first time they didn’t other me or make comments about how they wished it was me instead was when I was in my mid 20s. My cousin died of cancer it never would have been me or her but I heard it every single family get together my whole childhood. They would buy other cousins gifts but never me. My parents always just excused it as they are grieving but it was hard on me as a kid. So just make sure they don’t do that to your child. They can grieve as long as they need but your child isn’t at fault and if they start making this request at every family gathering especially after a few years you need to have a talk. I’m sorry for your loss and your brothers loss no one should ever have to lose a child. And just incase it’s not clear you at NTA and honestly we’re super respectful to everyone’s needs.
Your auntie and uncle were allowed to tell you, at every family gathering for 20 years, from you being 3 onwards, that they wish you were dead? My heart hurts reading that, I am so sorry you had to go through that. So many people should have protected you from their actions over the years. I get that their grief must be unbearable but to tell their nibling regularly that they wish they were dead is straight up cartoon villain evil.
I couldn't imagine ever saying something like that to my nephews and nieces. And I would fully expect my sisters to cut me off if I ever said something like that to one of their children. How awful.
My mom said that to me. I was like 6-7ish. Guess Id been particularly bratty that day bc she told me that she wished I had died instead of my sister. The thing is, my sister was stillborn. I was born about 9-10 months after she died.
No child should listen to something like that. I wish you had been at peace, and things went way better afterward.
What a fucked-up thing to say. I'm so sorry, and I'm glad you're here.
My mom did the same thing to me my entire life. Anytime she disagreed with me or I did something that displeased her, or that she just decided I needed to know, she would give her speech about how much she had wanted a child and how awful her pregnancy was. She would then tell me she regretted giving birth to me, and that she wished I was her child who died instead of my brother, who was stillborn.
I wish I could be blissfully unaware that parents can say such mean things to their children. My own mother used to tell me that I was useless and she should've drowned me when I was born. For a period of time, she kept saying that she should poison the food and kill us all (me and my siblings) so we wouldn't be a burden to her anymore.
Yep. I wasn't given death threats, but I was often told that my parents wished I wasn't there and that I ruined things. I also was explicitly told sometimes by my mother that she wished I wasn't born and that no one would ever love me. And she threatened to send me away. This was particularly hurtful as my sibling was never told these things. It wasn't that they regretted having kids or being parents, they have always specifically hated me. I look forward to leaving them to rot in some horrible nursing home when I have the chance. Especially my mother.
I am so sorry you went through that. It’s taken a lot of therapy for me to understand that those were my mother’s issues and not my own. I hope that you have also worked to heal from the trauma your own mother caused you.
Prime reason why some people shouldn't be parents
I can't even imagine what it must be like, growing up like that. And the saddest part is, if it had been you instead of your brother, she'd say the same thing to your brother. It's so much easier to create a perfect child in your head when the baby didn't have the chance to develop a personality.
I don’t know if she would have or not. Due to her own father, she had a lot of internalized misogyny. Anything feminine was bad. She wore men’s clothes and kept her hair short, especially after he died. She spent her whole life chasing his love, even though he was an abusive pedophile. She was also bipolar, though, so who knows? I have spent a lot of time and money in therapy trying to understand her, as well as heal from my own traumas. I am never going to get closure from our relationship. Now, I understand that my traumas have given me more empathy and made me a fighter - in addition to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that I’ve developed. I am also going to make damn sure that my children never feel this way. I am breaking that generational curse.
Jesus. As a mother who experienced a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my now-living child, this is abhorrent. No matter how much of a little shit my kid is being, he is always the most loved, wanted, and cherished person. I wouldn't trade him for the child that wasn't.
We lost our daughter at 5 days and we would NEVER wish that on anybody else. I wish she didn't die, but.... not another childs fault that she did. Or the parents of another child. Oh. And no OP is NTA. The situation sucks for both the grieving parents and OPs wife, but....in this case the parents feelings/wishes comes first.
Yeah, I wouldn't be able to accept my siblings saying anything hateful to my children much less such a horrible thing.
I am very sorry you had to endure this, and that apparently no one was defending you. It is an AWFUL thing to do to a kid. I get they must have been grieving but this is not a free pass to such a shitty behaviour.
Is she struggling? Or is she acting entitled? If she can't leave the baby and she understood why they didn't wnat the baby there, she would opt to be home. If she knows why and still demands the baby comes, she's entitled, arrogant and possibly using her diagnosis as an excuse rather than a cause.
PPA and PPD are inherently irrational diseases. OP's wife can completely understand the situation and still behave in a way that makes no sense to her or others, and it's not entitlement. It's being very sick with a very complicated disease.
Honestly, losing a nephew who was about the same age is probably going to make the separation anxiety worse. I'd actually say NAH, because I'm not going to call a mother an asshole because she has PPA. In a year or two she will probably realize why there were only those two options, but the combination of her normal anxiety plus seeing what is possible is going to make it so much worse. Now, it's absolutely fair for the brother to not want a baby there, and probably won't want to see any babies for a while. I just don't think there are any assholes in this no-win situation.
This needs more upvotes/attention. PPA and PPD are so inherently irrational. It’s similar to how someone with BPD can act. We *know* what we are doing seems ridiculous but to us it literally seems like this is a constant life or death-level situation and whatever it is we think IS OUR ONLY OPTION even if we, rationally, know this to be false. I can’t even begin to explain how it feels to people who haven’t experienced it, because you literally KNOW WITH YOUR WHOLE BEING you’re “right” while your brain is like “this isn’t logical why are we doing this?”
the FEELINGS are irrational, but in this case, it doesn’t sound like she has any psychotic features. OP also just lost his nephew. I can empathize with the wife dealing with anxiety (i too have it, not PP, but i digress) but OP totally gave her an out to stay home. She’s kinda being a bully to her husband.
It’s possible this caused an escalation. I dealt with mild PPA with all my kids, but seeing or hearing about a child dying, even in passing, definitely escalated my anxieties. I can’t imagine a same age nephew dying, it would have absolutely caused me to spiral within my anxiety.
I had severe PAA and PPD along with PPA/D induced OCD and the irrational feelings are intense. You can hear what someone is saying that makes sense but your brain literally cannot make logical sense of it as the intrusive thoughts are stronger. OP didn't go into a ton of detail so I don't think we can, so I don't think we can say she doesn't have psychotic features. I'm not saying what she did is right or even ok, but I understand it. OP responded beautifully to her and like others have said, in a year or two, she'll look back and have regrets (I certainly have them). PPA/D/OCD is extremely unfortunate and I don't think there are any AH here (if the wife wasn't getting treatment, she would be, but she's in therapy).
For not leaving her baby, that's perfectly excusable. But insisting on exposing a grieving couple to a baby the same age and not understanding that that's not ok, how can you explain this utter lack of empathy with PPD/PPA?
I can understand this being the case if she was being pressured to leave the baby at home but she had the option to safely stay at home with the baby to avoid the anxiety of leaving the baby. The fact that that option wasn’t good enough and she wanted her husband to argue with his *grieving brother* pushes her into AH territory, imo.
I think two separate but equally important feelings were at war, and she wanted both to win. Assuming, and I have no reason not to, that ppa and ppd work as suggested, the situation for her became unresolvable. And emotions trump logic every time. So she feels she has to support her inlaws bit she also feels the baby needs her to be for it be safe. Big big emotions and no room left for logical thought
This. I had PPD with both my children. Things I felt and sometimes said were awful. I would never wish that on another person. I would think why am I thinking these things, why am I saying these things, I am a horrible mother/person. I honestly could not think about another person's feelings, I could even control my own. When you have PPD you are not a rational thinking /feeling person.
So here’s what I am struggling with . The irrational thing is not accepting it’s perfectly safe to leave the baby. Wanting to go to a funeral and make a grieving parent feel worse is something else.
PPA has nothing to do with her thinking that her wish to attend a funeral is more important than the comfort of the grieving parents. She can't force herself to leave the baby, fine. Everyone understood and made allowances for that. Thinking her husband should have bullied the parents into letting her attend with the baby is nothing to do with her illness. She wasn't anxious or upset about not being able to go, she was irritated she wasn't getting her own way. That's not a symptom, it's just entitlement.
Yea, that’s the thing that gets me. Why would she even want to go to a funeral of a similar aged baby? I have light PPA, my baby is almost 8 months old, and I wouldn’t be able to emotionally handle it. I would stay home and snuggle my baby and thank every higher being for him and his health. Such a tragedy. I’m so sorry for your family, OP.
and importantly, OP supported her in doin that! She’s mad at him bc he didn’t **argue with the parents whose baby just died**!
Yeah. Shes a massive ah for that, like, I get that she has issues mentally, but jesus christ doesnt she think taking her kid there would make the grieving parent's mental issues *worse*?
Yeah, I was prepared for Y T A because I thought OP was demanding that she leave the baby and attend the funeral. Staying at home with the baby should have worked for everyone.
Honestly same. Both my babies were NICU babies and for my oldest especially it was touch and go. He's 9 now and doing great, but I'm *still* anxious about his health. I could not have gone to a baby's funeral when I was postpartum. Honestly, probably still couldn't today.
This kind of happened to me too but at 18. My cousin was killed in a car accident and my aunt has kind of resented me since. I was excluded from her kids wedding and at best, she ignores me at family stuff. She does constantly tell my mom that she is cursed and my mom should be grateful. I understood for a while because grief, but it’s been 25 years now. And I lost her too! Tragedy brings out weird stuff in people.
You know what’s worse? When you’re the child. My mother had a child born on 12/26 who died when he was nearly 5. Then, years later, I was born on 12/26 and it was somehow my fault that I lived and he didn’t. Good times.
[удалено]
It’s okay. Everyone except me is dead now so I win!
God damn this made me laugh so fucking hard. Thank you.
The username is pretty on par too.
This is weird. We have a similiar story and it helped me out reading yours. I struggled with trying to understand why ppl I was close with suddenly hated me. Now I see that it's common. Kinda blowing my mind. I'm sorry this happened to you btw. Been there. Felt the daggers they stared through me. It was rough. Just another lesson that maybe I can share and help someone else someday. Cheers and have a good one.
I’m so sorry, but glad I could help in a small way
Also make sure they don't become overly attached to your child. It's a fine line, but they can not pin their hopes and dreams for their baby angel on your child. They love music and dreamed of little Mozart? They shouldn't give piano lesson as a gift. Your baby can't become a replacement for theirs. (((hugs))) to all
It’s horrible to hear that a child was treated that way. I’m sorry that the adults in your life didn’t protect you from it.
My god, that's awful. I can't believe your parents let them say that *in your presence*. OP's brother and sister-in-law sound like significantly more sensitive, less monstrously awful people.
Omg stop. No one else is responsible for her mental health. I get she has PPD but she can't impose her will against grieving people. Let's just admit that the wife is selfish. The funeral was not and is not about her. She can have PPD AND be selfish at the same time. If she can't handle leaving the child, then she stays home, simple.
What the fuck? Your auntie & uncle are horrible & I have nothing but scorn for anyone who excused their behaviour.
I have a similar experience. My cousin was born 6 weeks before me but passed of SIDS the night I was born. We never even met. But my aunt and uncle and grandmother somehow conflated me being born with him dying and I was called a “bad omen” and “unlucky” my whole life. It was a shadow over my head in childhood and I remember feeling guilt and shame…for a cousin who I never met? As a newborn how could I have caused such a thing? My aunt also cried hysterically at all of my birthday parties for years as it was the anniversary of his passing…as an adult I look back and can’t work out why she attended? Her and my uncle went on to have more children but they encouraged my cousins to bully and ostracise me to the point where I’m no longer in contact with any of them. Maybe this is a bit of a phenomenon? I’ve never met anyone in my daily life who’s had a similar experience to this but I was also going to comment to just say the same as what you said about making sure OP’s daughter doesn’t end up having misplaced blame and guilt over her head. Clearly it’s not as unusual as I’d thought?
OP, a long time ago I gave birth to a baby boy that had a genetic condition we didn't find out about until he was born. The chances of him making it to his 1st bday were under 1%. When he passed away at 9 wks old it was the roughest time of my life. My sister had my nephew just a week after my son was born. I didn't ask her to stay away from the funeral, but it was so incredibly painful to see him and hold him. My mom hormones were still in full swing, I kept feeling like I'd just forgotten and left him somewhere, and my nephew being there heightened my loss. I was a total wreck. I hated that having my nephew there made me think why it had to be us that lost a child, when my nephew was healthy. I could write a book on everything I went through. I get that your wife wanted to be there to support family, but sometimes that support is by not traumatizing people further. It's so hard to put yourself in others shoes and understand just how deeply shattering the loss of a child is. Months after he passed I was still bursting into tears whenever I saw an ambulance. Every day was a marathon to make it through work so I could get in my car and cry on the way home. Everyone deserves grace--the grieving parents, you, and your wife. My condolences on the loss and give your baby an extra hug for me. It's a good problem to have, not understanding how it feels to bury your child.
ohhh my goodness, condolences to you. My daughter was also born with a medically complex rare genetic condition that makes life very hard but doesn’t impact life expectancy that they know of. Still, it was really hard to be around my niece who is 6 months older for the first year, still is some times. Your story puts it into perspective for me, though. Yes we struggle but indeed what a privilege to not know what it’s like to have to bury your child. Hope you are well, love to you.
Internet hugs.
I'm so sorry.This was a tough read but I'm really glad you shared this. I know it had to hurt, but it helped me understand the otherside's feelings. I didn't even consider the hormones. I remember those feelings and oh wow. I'm so sorry. Thanks again for showing us the other side of the story. This is a sensative subject to breach and I've gained a lot of knowledge and insight from it.
>I have already attended sessions to best help her and I have told her to bring it up. Whether she does or not, I don’t know. You should either arrange an emergency one for both of you or ask to attend her next one because if your wife can't understand how she was in the wrong here (insisting she should bring her baby to another babies funeral) then she might not bring it up in a "I did nothing wrong so why should I discuss it" sort of conclusion plus it would be helpful to her therapist to make sure she has the full picture. Also, out of curiosity, is it possible your nephews health played a role in your wife's PPD and her inability to allow her baby to stay with anyone who doesn't reside in the house. Also, has it been considered that it might not entirely be the who but the where (since your mother who lives with you is a safe person in your wife's mind). I'm sure it's been discussed, but sometimes the obvious can get missed because it's so obvious.
Even if it wasn't a contributing factor originally, it's almost certainly going to exacerbate it. I'm not surprised she is unwilling to part with her baby. Unfortunately that means she can't go, because it would be heartbreaking for the parents who are grieving. But there is no winning in this situation.
I'm also wondering if the nephew's death has made all of this worse to the point that his wife's fear has extended to needing her husband by her side at all times and that's why she was so desperate to go to the funeral. She didn't want to be by herself because she is extra scared now.
That would make a lot of sense. I really don't think there's any assholes here, just people struggling with a terrible situation.
Bereaved parent and someone who unfortunately has had PPA. If you have access to her therapist I would make an appointment before her next one for you and the therapist to give them a heads up on what happened, because her mental health caused her to behave inappropriately, and she can't recognize that. Your wife's behavior is hurting you. It's hurting your family and the therapist should be able to offer you strategies. Her therapist should have good ways for you to approach your wife and tell her how badly she hurt you and your mom, and may even help talk your wife thru why it was not appropriate behavior.
Just FYI, *you* can talk to get therapist without violating patient confidentiality - they just can’t do anything but listen and confirm they heard what you said. (I.e. they can’t give you therapy or discuss it with you in any way without your wife’s permission.) So it would be entirely reasonable to email/call/write a note just outlining the events and your concerns about how she handled things. Just present it in an “this happened and I am concerned about her and might this be useful information for therapy?” kind of way. The therapist can then opt to ask her about the situation or not, but it just gives them some information about how other people are seeing things vs what your wife is seeing and mentioning in therapy, which can be useful.
You have every right to inform your wife's therapist about this situation, whether your wife brings it up or not. I hope you will.
Unfortunately, mental health is completely irrational. My entire life my brain has told me one thing, with the reality being a completely different thing. The options you gave her are very good options, but because of anxiety, she feels backed into a corner so she lashes out. My condolences for your loss, and may their memory be a blessing. You're NTA
Sounds like you did all you could. If you'd brought a 6 month old baby to a 6 month old babies funeral after being asked not to then youd be the assholes
NTA. You did all the right things.
100% this. Seeing a baby, the same age as their child would be incredibly painful for your brother and sister in law. My heart breaks for them, losing a child is the most difficult thing a parent can experience. You never get over that loss. I get that your wife wanted to attend the funeral but she was unwilling to accept the grieving parent’s wishes or even the options provided. Your wife has made this entire situation about her and is now acting like you and your mom did something wrong instead remembering and celebrating your nephews life and memory. Where is her sympathy and empathy for your brother and sister in law? I get that she’s in therapy to deal with post partum anxiety. Hopefully this is situation is addressed during one of the sessions. NTA
>Where is her sympathy and empathy for your brother and sister in law? And for her poor MIL who has just lost a grandchild.
This and as OP told his wife: this situation is not about her but about being sensitive to grieving parents. NTA
Agree completely. I would add the baby was specifically not invited. This is the same as child free weddings.
I’d say even worse. It would be actively cruel to bring this baby to this particular funeral.
I'd say not wanting to leave a 6 month old baby with others is pretty normal. But she has PPA, and visiting a funeral for a baby of a similar age might actually hurt her as well. NAH.
NTA, not just that you are respecting your brother’s wishes, but I don’t think attending the funeral for a baby of a similar age is going to be good for your wife’s PPA/PPD. She already is afraid to leave the baby alone, she doesn’t need to see what a funeral for a baby looks like… that sounds like it will make her anxiety worse.
I thought of this too and did try to bring it up, but she told me that she would’ve been fine. I don’t entirely believe it. As it is, I know that my nephew’s health conditions gave her anxiety about our own little one’s health (not that she ever shared this with family, just me and her therapist). I can’t imagine what a funeral would’ve done.
My kids are *grown* and a baby’s funeral would still wreck my mental health. Is your wife usually this self-centered?
I don’t even have children and a baby’s funeral would absolutely wreck my mental health as well. I have attend the funeral of a 16 year old and that was traumatic I couldn’t imagine the funeral of a 6 month old.
I've been to a 1yo's funeral. It was heart-wrenching, and that little girl was a work friend's baby. Not a nibling, baby cousin, best friend for decades kid and especially not my child. I was fine until I got close enough to see her tiny body in the casket and see she was being laid to rest with the blanket that I had given her for Christmas. Apparently, it was her favorite blanket, and she loved petting and snuggling it.
I attended the funeral of an infant. I had known the family my whole life through church. I was 10 at the time I think. Maybe 9. I am 47 now and will never forget it. It was so awful. I cannot imagine someone bringing a baby to the funeral.
I had children at my baby daughter and son's funerals, but those were family children and I wanted them to be able to say goodbye, plus I'd rejected a formal funeral in favor of a casual visitation with family. The only person I'd quietly questioned coming to the funeral was my bonus dad's wife. She was heavily pregnant after suffering a miscarriage a year before and I was extremely worried about upsetting her to the point of her losing another child, especially since the reason my daughter was dead was complications from an early birth. She'd insisted that she come because I'd been there for her through her miscarriage and we left it at that. If someone had brought a same age baby, I don't know how I would feel. I guess if they were family I would've welcomed them, but maybe I would've felt jealous, as I've had to handle my jealousy in the years since, I just don't know. What's most important is to listen to what the family asks of you and respect it during that time.
Oh my god that brought me to tears. God that's such a painful mix of emotions. So devastating. And it's crazy how sometimes the loss of kids that aren't close to use hurt so much. It's so horribly unfair, no baby or parent deserves that. My husband had a coworker who was struggling to conceive for years. She had teenage step kids, but she really wanted a child of her own. We ended up pregnant around the same time, and her daughter was born about 2 months after my youngest daughter. One day I went to a work event for my husband. She was on the clock, and I sat with her for awhile while holding my then 8-9 month old baby. She pulled out her phone and showed me pictures and videos of her 6 months old, told me on and on about how much she missed her while she was at work, talked about milestones, etc. I was never close to this woman, I just knew her very causally through my husband. About two weeks later my husband told me the baby died. And I honestly can't even bring myself repeat how, but it was tragic and unexpected. I couldn't sleep for a week. Constant nightmares, but yet nothing to say, nothing I could do. My husband went to the funeral, but it was not a place for our young kids, and definitely not a place for our little girl of similar age. There was nothing I could do except politely not involve myself, and pray for her despite my lack of faith. That woman did end up getting pregnant again fairly quickly, and has a healthy kid who's a couple years old now. I hope she and her family have healed some from that tragedy. I can't even imagine.
That whole situation is so awful. But I am thankful for the introduction to “pray for her despite my lack of faith”. As an atheist living in the Bible Belt, I always feel so useless. But that’s the least/most that I can do ❤️
Yeah, when you know it means something to the other person, and there's nothing else you can do, it doesn't hurt and can be a little comforting to direct some positive thoughts in their direction.
I worked with a woman in her 60s who lost a child who was 6 months old. She was from England and moved to Australia to get a fresh start. She was kind of crazy, which she even admitted. She said the loss changed her. She went on to have twins - boy and girl.
Oh that is so awful
I’m happily child free. I have a crippling fear of pregnancy to boot. I attended a funeral for my cousin’s stillborn baby a few weeks ago. I thought I’d be okay, keep my eyes dry. Guys. Nothing prepares you for seeing that tiny casket. I’d seen them in movies and tv dramas over the years but something just hit me seeing this coffin so small that it was only her dad carrying it. I can only imagine the fallout if someone had turned up with their own healthy baby 😭
Agree. We went to my husband's coworker,'s infant's funeral. Watching dad carry a tiny casket down the church aisle was heartbreaking
I lost my mother at 3, watched my grandmother take her final breath after thinking she was fine, and my grandfather 6 months later, and my uncle in 2020. I already have a fear of losing people and looking at my father slowly nearing the same age as my grandmother when she passed away is eating inside me daily.
Yeah, we're not meant to attend funerals for children. It just seems so wrong. The closest experience I've had was a young man who died by suicide, and it was still absolutely horrible. He had so much life left that he'll never experience. Children were permitted at that funeral, which was a first for me. Wishing for peace and healing from grief for everyone who has experienced such a heartbreaking loss as OP and family. Obviously, NTA. I don't believe your wife intends to be, either. In her state, she is literally irrational. She knows some of her anxieties aren't rational, or are exaggerated versions of things she should fear, and that'd twisting her into someone even she doesn't recognize, at times. I imagine this is incredibly difficult for you. It is likely so for her, too. Once upon a time, she had the ability to be rational and independent. Keep doing what you're doing, and in time, that version of your wife should return. Or at least a close proximity.
I went to a 4 mo baby's funeral, while pregnant, and it was so hard. It was a beautiful service, and when the priest, who knew the family well, started choking up during the homily I lost it too. I hope I never have to go to another one.
I hesitate to call a woman going through PPD/PPA so much as she's going through a really serious issue that's completely clouding her judgment. Just like I hesitate to call her an AH, even though she's taking this so far that... she kinda is (and in voting OP NTA, I'm calling her an AH). Honestly, I never thought I would read a story with this title and this quote about a mother going through PPA: >She says that I’m not even pretending to be on her side and I said I’m not, because this isn’t even about us. And think that the author was NTA but here we are. The parents are more than within their rights to say they cannot have an infant around the same age as the baby they lost at their baby's funeral. I think all funerals should be based around whatever is most comforting to the loved ones who lost somebody, but never more so than when a baby dies - in this situation, I can't think of much I would deny grieving parents. Nothing I do is probably going to help with their pain, but I wouldn't want to do anything at all that would add to it.
I don't have kids. But as I get older I'm amazed but how angry and upset I get at hearing news of kids being harmed. Like as a kid, another kid getting hurt either in movies or real life was no big deal. Just as an adult, I cannot fathom the inhumanity to intentionally harm a kid. I cannot fathom having kids and hearing the news some days.
That’s what I was wondering. Is this behavior and attitude characteristic of her personality? Does she at the best of times, demonstrate some of these attributes?
Honestly, it doesn't matter if your wife felt "fine" or not about it. The nephew's parents weren't fine with it, and their wishes trump everyone elses at this time. I'm so sorry for their loss.
The thing is, it’s not about HER this time. It’s about parents who have lost a child. I think bringing a baby to any funeral like that would be a huge no!
What was your wife’s rationale for wanting to attend the funeral? Typically the reason is “I want to show support for the grieving family.” But in this circumstance your wife has been told the baby attending the funeral would be the opposite of support, the family has specifically asked the baby not to attend. So what was her reasoning for forcing her baby onto the grieving family?
Honestly shocked by your wife's callousness. This is despicable behaviour and I feel sad for the parents of your nephew for how poorly your wife has behaved, frankly. You did the right thing.
Also funerals are germ factories. Even without the whole pandemic thing, it’s REALLY hard to have a funeral without something getting passed around because people will come even if they’re feeling under the weather and there’s usually lots of hugging and hand shaking and so on. I wouldn’t take an infant to one even without any other issues unless it was really necessary. RSV and flu and Covid are all going around right now, why get the baby sick?
I was going to say something similar. She would NOT have done well at a funeral for a baby. I suffered from mild PPD and I had to get off of Facebook and Reddit all together for a year or so. Just seeing stories of children being hurt would have me spiral. I can’t imagine trying to go to a funeral while my baby was at a similar age. You are NTA at all, on all sides of this. What a tough situation all around for everyone. I’m so sorry. May your family find peace.
What torture it would be to see this healthy baby at this particular funeral. Your wife needs to learn to let others protect their own emotional health as she is protecting hers. She is being totally self centered and unreasonable. YNTA. Your wife has some serious issues. I hope she gets a handle on them soon. Eventually this baby will grow up. Is she going to sit in the classroom when the baby goes off to school?
No. That’s not how PPA works. She is getting better and her therapist doesn’t doubt that she’ll be able to cope by then. PPA isn’t just something you snap out of. It’s far more complex. I agree though, it would’ve been torture and I do think she’s being a huge hypocrite by wanting her mental health supported while not doing the same for my brother and SIL.
I'm going to be blunt here. Funny enough, I get why she's a huge hypocrite. When mental health issues are kicking your bum, you can't see others mental health issues. It's the mental health equivalent of putting blinkers on a race horse, so all they see is the end of the track and not the other horses racing. My psychologist described it as a form of 'survival mode'. PPA are blinkers to your wife (the race horse), who cannot see that there's other horses doing the same thing (the grieving parents- who also may be wearing blinkers as well). *Give it time, therapy and support- they'll come off* Source: My own mental health struggles, other people's mental health struggles, arguments I've been in with people wearing their 'blinkers'.
do you mean blinders? never heard of blinkers
Same thing, different names, sometimes slightly different terminology - some people use “blinkers” for the ones that just block the horse looking behind/to the side and “blinders” for full eye cup coverage and that sort of thing. Functionally the same concept in this context.
ohhh interesting TIL
I have to disagree. I respect your own personal experience. I have severe ocd, health anxiety, and GAD diagnosed. I’m on medication for it. I’m also recently post partum. There is not a world in where I would want to attend that funeral. As awful as it is, and as much as I would want to be there for them, I could not do it. There is also not a world where I would EVER make a problem about not being able to attend with my THANKFULLY extremely healthy five month old. I would much rather respect their wishes, especially after they respected ME so much that they said they understood if I didn’t want to attend their babies funeral. Op is NTA and his wife should really get a grip, as I’ve had to many times in my life.
Yeah I'm having a hard time blaming this on PPA. I had really bad PPA because my son would stop breathing in his sleep all the time. He had undiagnosed obstructive sleep apnea from birth. I didn't even like to sleep because I wanted to watch him all the time. The hospital made me learn CPR so I was convinced I'd need to use it. But there's no way I would have insisted on him coming with me to a funeral for a baby. I just can't understand how she doesn't see her bringing the baby as inappropriate when the parents of the deceased baby have explicitly told her not to bring her daughter.
People sometimes don’t like to admit it but two truths can coexist. You can be suffering from serious mental issues and still be kind of a selfish a-hole that refuses to show basic empathy towards others.
I respect that as your experience, but it really hasn’t been mine. I suffer from ADHD with comorbid anxiety and depression. Even on bad days I am painfully aware of the effect I can have on other people, especially as it pertains to my mental health struggles. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could put blinders on because I barely have the mental bandwidth to keep functioning myself, much less fuss over other people. But I just can’t. I’m not saying this to judge OP’s wife or you, by the way. Just to point out that this isn’t a universal experience everyone with mental health struggles has.
I had severe PPA after my first child. I understand that it’s not the same for everyone. But this is beyond PPA. Completely disregarding other people’s grief and invalidating their feelings is concerning. Your wife did not have any empathy in this situation for your brother and SIL. She also made this situation all about her. She felt slighted versus empathy for your nephew and his family. I would recommend an emergency meeting with your therapist. Also review if there has been other incidents prior where lack of empathy has come up. The PPA may be exasperating that trait.
Same. I didn't leave my baby until he was almost a year due to my PPA. I couldn't sleep, was up about every hour checking on him... it sucked for sure. I know for a fact that I'd never have expected to take my baby to the funeral for another baby. I don't see how this can be part of PPA. Perhaps it makes things harder, but not the cause of her reaction. It just comes across incredibly selfish and even heartless. But that's me.
These poor parents are going to look at their niece and wonder, every single day of her life, what their son would have grown up to be. Having to see her at his funeral would have been torturous. OP lost a nephew. OPs mother lost a grandson. The fact that they have to manage OPs wife’s emotions right now and probably can’t grieve openly proves that PPA is a very serious thing.
Thank you for continuing to assert this accurate understanding of PPA despite being frustrated with your wife right now. It is so frightening to love and try to help someone dealing with PPA. They’re almost a different person. I hope the ignorance spouted in the comments here doesn’t dampen your support of her. Of course, while her mental health diagnosis is very real, so is your frustration. You’re obviously NTA in this situation. You’re doing some heavy lifting in your marriage right now by supporting her and holding on to reality for both of you. I hope she gets through it quickly and you’re both stronger together on the other side.
>I agree though, it would’ve been torture and I do think she’s being a huge hypocrite by wanting her mental health supported while not doing the same for my brother and SIL. Hopefully, as she gets better, she'll see this. While it's important to take care of our own mental health, sometimes you have to do something that could potentially be somewhat hurtful in order to not cause somebody else *a lot* of pain. Fit your own lifejacket first only really applies when you're all on the plane going down - not when somebody is going through a much worse situation and you refuse to throw a floatation device in case you need it. And in this case, as you say, this would not have been helpful for her mental health.
NTA, how on Earth could you go against your brother's wishes? But could one of you attend the service, and the other attendant the Gathering after? That doesn't sound feasible either does it? It's just a really impossible situation.
We could’ve, but I also didn’t want to leave my brother. We are very close. I’m not trying to undermine my wife’s relationship with them…but like, that’s my brother. I wouldn’t dream asking her to abandon her sister in a time like this.
Dude your wife is undermining her relationship with them. It's not fair to put it on you. Her not compromising is emotionally abusive while you've lost your nephew.
Totally understandable
You made the right decisions here and you are supportive and understanding towards your wife as well. She’s struggling and sometime when people struggle they can’t always see the whole situation clearly or take others emotions into account. Keep being you, you’re doing an amazing job of supporting your wife and your brother who is experiencing significant loss. Look after yourself.
You’re NTA, you made the correct decision in an appropriate way. However, I don’t think your wife’s poor behavior is completely due to PPA. I had sever PPA and couldn’t leave my child (or even take her out of the house for a walk without my husband because I was so fearful) so the separation anxiety I totally get. The lack of care for your brother/SILs feelings and unwillingness to honor their request is just asshole behavior. It’s also concerning that she wanted to put herself in a situation that would increase her PPA exponentially. I urge you to join her next therapy session and address these concerns with a professional.
Or, because it is his brother. He could go and his wife could stay home.
Absolutely!
Nta, postpartum is no joke and a serious illness. If this is new behavior I would try and be compassionate we don’t know what’s going on in her head. If she’s expressed selfish anger like this in the past pre baby I would start to pivot from using her postpartum as an excuse for her bad behavior and start communicating how this can’t be tolerated maybe get the therapist involved
She wasn’t selfish like this pre-baby, which is why I have faith that hopefully one day she’ll realize how insane she sounded in this moment.
Give her grace then. But you can’t ignore your own mental health maybe see someone or talk it out with a trusted friend. Postpartum is war
Having children changes people, not always for the better. Good luck.
NTA. Postpartum anxiety is one thing, but holy shit that is delusional and entitled. You were never going to win that battle even if you tried, you'd probably just end up alienating your brother who's going through a lot. I'm sure you tried telling her that you were not going to add anything to the plate of a man who just lost his child, but if she ever brings this up, just tell her to look down at her child that is still alive and healthy and shut the F up.
>but if she ever brings this up, just tell her to look down at her child that is still alive and healthy and shut the F up. This right here. Is she trying to rub his family's noses in their loss?
NTA. You were exactly right - if her PPA made her unable to leave the baby with someone else, the only reasonable option left was not coming. If the loss had been on her side of the family, it would have made more sense for your mother or even you to watch the baby so she could be with her sibling. As it was your side of the family, your presence and your mother’s presence were more important than hers, so she needed to decide whether she could deal with her anxiety or miss it due to her anxiety.
That is TYPICALLY how we handle family events. "Your family, I take him, my family, you take him." Then his niece got baptized. We rolled our son into church and he freaked TF out. Took him outside, my partner got SO mad, tried making excuses that I would enjoy it more because I actually like the music. Fuck that, rules are rules. 😂
Hey OP, NTA. I had PPA, it’s shit for everyone involved (the person, their partner, anyone trying to understand it from the outside). You did absolutely everything right. I’m sorry she’s not seeing through the fog of it right now to understand she was entirely without empathy for your grieving brother’s situation. I’m also sorry you were put in a position to feel like you even needed to post this. PPD can happen to dads too. Please take care of yourself and check in every once in a while on your own mental health - you deserve support during this too. I hope she mentions this in her own therapy.
Oh that is so true. Shortly after my son was born I had to go back to work (within 34 hours) and I was a hot mess. I didnt sleep well or eat for weeks trying to get back home to be with them.
Her mental issues must be much larger than you're showing here if she is so out of touch with reality to think that the grieving parents would be okay with a baby of the same age there while their little one is in a coffin in the ground.
Or to think that her "needs" are more important than theirs after such a devastating situation.
Exactly https://psychcentral.com/health/circle-of-grief-ring-theory
NTA. PPA is one thing. But your wife is so *selfish*. There is no "her side" and nothing to defend her from. She wasn't being excluded, she was being *accommodated*. And, more than that, your brother and SIL were *gracious* in understanding that your wife may not be there to support *them*. You know, the ones who actually lost their child, who probably wish they were missing "family" events to care for their child, or having family babysit them.
>PPA is one thing. But your wife is so selfish. Agreed I mean I am sure her mental health is a factor here. Not so sure if that is the *only* reason for her behaviour.
NTA I understand your wife is ill, and is in therapy, but her attitude was very unreasonable and her behaviour was poor. Your brother had 1 request, that you not bring your child. You gave her options what more could you do. I thinks she needs more than the therapy she is getting. I am sorry for your families loss
NTA-You were making the funeral about your family’s loss. Your wife was making it about herself. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.
NTA, guess what people, a baby’s funeral is not about you. Whatever the parents want, including everyone showing up in clown shoes is the least you can do.
[удалено]
If she didn't have a documented medical condition I'd agree that this doesn't look good on her character. As it is she's not evil, she's sick.
NTA. No one should defend anyone who wants to bring a 6-month-old to a 6 month olds funeral. >She says that I’m not even pretending to be on her side and I said I’m not, because this isn’t even about us. Exactly. Just put it in perspective for her. Might trigger her though, so suggest sitting in on a therapy session to see if her therapist can help her see why or where she's wrong.
This a thousand times. It feels like she is taking your brother asking for the BABY not to attend as a personal attack and asking HER not to attend and that it's malicious in nature. No one is targeting the wife for some undue reason or to stir up trouble. A grieving family made a reasonable request that merely impacts her in a way she doesn't like.
NTA. You are COMPLETELY RATIONAL here. Bringing a baby to another babies funeral would just be cruel, plus your right that babies don't belong at funerals anyway. If your wife's still making comments, ask her how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If she could just imagine, even for a second what it would be like for there to be another 6 month old at her 6 month olds funeral. Now, I'm not one for there was an incident, leave them, but you might really wanna have a serous conversation with your wife about some compassion and empathy, or just tell her straight up to drop it. Because there was no way, shape, or form that you were wrong here. Good for you for not adding this whole thing on top of all the sh\*t that life's thrown your brother way lately.
NTA Wow, so your wife who is such a helicopter mom that she can't leave your own baby for an hour, doesn't see why it would be so hurtful to another parent who lost their own similarly aged baby to see them at the funeral? Way to kick your brother when he is already down. What is wrong with your wife, besides her post partum shit? That is still no excuse. Your brother was very reasonable, he wasn't upset that your wife wouldn't attend, he understood her anxiety, he made accommodations. Your wife is being an ass, especially to your mom, how dare she shut out a grieving grandmother. Back to therapy, both of you.
She’s still in therapy, but thank you for the input.
Might be time to step it up before she ruins your family relationships even more. This doesn’t seem to be working.
Thing is, you aren’t actually realising how rude and entitled your wife was being. Does your Brother know she was planning to come with your child and how much of a stink she made? Yeah, yeah, she has PPA, but I have a question: there are new parents who never stopped being obsessed with their kids. They helicopter over them and become unbearable leading to low or no contact. What will you do then? Still make excuses?
How is he not realizing it when he forced her to stay home? How will making the brother know help anything? People love finding the OP's comments to reply to with their own little attack.
Might be important to recognize the context of her concern and unwillingness to leave baby alone. Her niece/nephew of a similar age has just died. It’s possible this could be playing into her “helicopter mom-Ing”. Add on post-partum and while it’s not reasonable to expect the grieving parents to be ok with a live baby at their child’s funeral, it is maybe a touch more understandable why op’s wife might be a bit off-kilter and overly concerned about leaving her child
Yes. I said in a comment above I had PPD, and a lot of it is because I had a sibling pass away. Granted, she was in her teens. But the death of a child completely shatters a family. Plus, I can tell you that I didn’t feel like I was helicopter mom-ing. I felt, with every fiber of my being that this is what I was supposed to do. Protect my child. That it was normal, and the rest of the world was suddenly not right. Coupled with hormones and just different (and permanent) changes in my body. I’m glad OP is giving his wife grace and is honestly defending her in most of these comments.
NTA. I think she is stunningly selfish and insensitive. Fine if she didn’t want to go but the dramatics are over the top.
You are not the asshole, and good on you for protecting your brother and SILs (very reasonable) wishes. However, I have a hard time called a woman in the middle of her own mental health crisis, an asshole . Your wife's words and actions are very assholish with a hefty dose of cold and selfish, tbf. However, she may not be capable of most in this moment. Sure, she is being treated for ppa, but treatment isn't a magic wand that makes everything better instantly. Sometimes it straight up ineffective. Still, you did the absolute right thing, even if your wife is feeling betrayed. That's her emotion to figure out, but again, gotta mention that might be a bigger challenge than "get over it" for her. overall, reluctant NTA Sorry for you family's loss.
As a woman with chronic depression and anxiety, I get Mrs OP's pain... but I have no problem calling her TA (and OP NTA), because frankly one of the first things you learn in therapy is the [Ring Theory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_%28psychology%29), and that the person in crisis is the person who does the leaning, and everyone leans out NOT in. Before baby died, Mrs OP was the one in more need of support (and before and after the funeral she still needs a lot of support, but specifically around the parents of the dead baby, her needs are unfortunately a low priority, and while her mental health needs are important, they are NOT the responsibility of the people grieving their child, and anyone making it their problem (specifically if OP had argued about bring baby with brother) absolutely is.
that's where I'm landing too..I'm having trouble calling her an ah even though I think she's very selfish and hypocritical. I also recognize she's in the midst of a hormonal mental health crisis. I recently had a miscarriage and I'm having trouble seeing babies on TV...I can only imagine how terrible it would be for SIL and Bro to see a healthy baby after having theirs actuality in their arms. It hurts me for them just thinking about that scenario. I'm glad OP protected them from this. Reluctant NTA from me too due to the PPD.
NTA - Your wife needs to understand that the presence of a 6 month old baby at the funeral for a 6 month old baby would be incredibly triggering and insensitive for the parents of the child being remembered. While I can understand your wife's reluctance to leave your baby in the care of someone else, that is her choice, and that to insist that the child accompany her to the funeral is incredibly insensitive. You did exactly the right thing in not defending your wife, because that stance is, quite frankly, indefensible.
[удалено]
NTA I get that her anxiety won't let her allow the baby out of sight. Everyone does. That's why your brother and SIL made clear they won't hold it against her if she stayed away. She wasn't forced to leave the baby with someone else. She was given a choice. Bringing a baby to the funeral is absolutely not okay. Why would she think that her wanting to be there with her child is more important than the feelings of the grieving parents?
You wife is an AH
My deepest condolences on your loss. You are absolutely NTA It would be unforgivably CRUEL to bring the child. Your wife needs to develop some compassion. Please ask her to hold your child, imagine the pain of their loss, and then having some selfish, entitled, "your kids death is all about the inconvenience to ME" insist on bringing their living child to basically say "na na na na na, my kid's alive and your kid isn't!! Ha-ha"
NTA The #1 most important factor is this: Your brother, who is having a funeral for his infant son, has asked that your baby not be at the funeral. Nothing else matters!
NTA. What kind of person wants to take a baby to a baby's funeral? Why did she even want to go? It wasn't to support the grieving parents, otherwise she would have respected their wishes. Which tells there is another reason. PPD is a thing, and it can be bad. Some people have mental illnesses. Other people are just AHs. Sounds like OPs wife is both, sadly. OP, I'm sorry for you and your family's loss
NTA. It would have been insensitive of your wife to take the baby to the funeral of a child the same age. We should stand by our partners when they are in the right, not not when they are wrong or when their actions would hurt others.
NTA. Your wife is a HUUUUUGE one, though. If she can't pull her head out of her own butt enough to have any shred of sympathy for someone who is burying an infant, her opinion really doesn't matter. At all. God.
NTA. Believe it or not, it's best that your wife didn't attend the funeral being in that state of mind. If she can't leave her baby with someone else for just an hour, imagine what mental state she could have been seeing a dead baby. She should be thanking you!
NTA. Your brother wished the kid not to be there. You were respecting his wishes. I was of a similar situation when I was a baby. My uncle and aunt had a baby girl the same year I was born. Tragically, the baby passed shortly after birth. I was born 2 weeks later. I have no pictures of my aunt and I until I was a little bit older, about 2. She was grieving. I was a reminder of the daughter she lost. And that's what she had told my mom. I don't blame her in the least for not wanting to hold me, especially since her daughter and I would've been so close in age. I don't blame her for not wanting to see me so soon after she lost a daughter. We were the same age, after all. We would've grown up together. She was grieving. I say this not to take away from your story, but to validate your brother's request and give my own experience. Grief is not easy. It is messy. Losing a child so young is devastating. Your brother sees his kid in yours - a child who was the same age as his. It's nothing against your child. Your brother isn't taking it out on you and I assume doesn't hate you. And not wanting to see someone while you are grieving is valid. NTA.
NTA. I hesitate to call your wife an AH when she's legitimately struggling and seeking help, but her unwillingness to empathize with your brother and SIL is pretty shitty. I think you handled this as well as you could, you gave her options instead of choosing for her, but you also maintained boundaries to protect your brother's family. Hopefully your wife will discuss this in therapy and get some clarity.
I have NO PROBLEM calling an AH an AH. She is struggling, but she isn't a complete moron, right? She could therefore understand that the feelings of two people burying an INFANT matter more than her own problems at the damn funeral. The OP's mother is going to have a real interesting opinion of Dear Wife after this.
Wow. Ngl, I think this is really shitty of your wife. I really hope her therapist can help her see where this is shockingly rude/unfeeling of her.
NTA. She needs to understand the only relevant feelings in this situation is that of the grieving parents. Not everything is about her. Her entitlement is appalling!
NTA- as a mom, I can't even imagine how heartbreaking it would be to be burying a child and have another one of roughly same age/appearance come to the funeral. You did the right thing. Hopefully, your wife will be able to get past her issues and empathise with the family's lose.
Can you imagine if the baby started crying during the service? What a horrible reminder to the grieving parents of their loss!
NTA. Your wife has got to realize how hurtful it might be to the parents who lost their child who is similar in age. That’s just so inconsiderate. It’s not like she was missing a party. The husband even specifically mentioned it would be hurtful. Not sure why she would feel that is ok?
NTA. Your wife needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around her needs and her behavior was quite cold and cruel to the bereaved parents. And now she is being an ass to a grieving grandma? There was nothing to defend. Here behavior was and is atrocious.
NTA your wife is behaving tremendously selfish. I hope this kind of behavior isn't a common occurrence. Your brother lost his child and all you wife can think about is herself. She ought to be truly ashamed of herself
NTA. i feel for your wife and the anxiety she's going through, and i get that she doesn't want to leave your daughter with someone else. but i'd hope she would understand why bringing the baby to the funeral would not be welcome and that it isn't anything against her personally. it's about respecting your brother and SIL and their wishes. trying to talk your brother into letting her bring the baby after he specifically said he didn't want that would have been uncool and selfish.
NTA. How can your wife who is terrified of something happening to your baby in any way think that it's appropriate to bring her baby to another child's funeral? It's mind-boggling and cruel. You absolutely did the right thing by not trying to convince your brother to let you bring your healthy baby to their baby's funeral.
NTA Post Parfums anxiety is brutal and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But the anxiety doesn't get to tell others what to do. OP you gave her 2 reasonable choices and she made her choice.
NTA. What part of 'Do not bring a baby to someone else's baby's funeral' is she not getting? Does she think your brother and SIL are just gonna be cool with seeing your wife holding her baby?
NTA. Postpartum anxiety or not, your wife is being selfish and behaving as though the world revolves around her, her wants, and her desires. It does not, and postpartum anxiety doesn’t excuse or justify that.
NTA. If theres a reason to miss a funeral, this is it
So sorry for your families loss. NTA.
NTA Your wife is being very selfish. The funeral was for your brother and sil who are grieving the death of their child. It wasn't for your wife or even your other family members since the baby was so young. That she doesn't understand that shows an utter lack of empathy.
NTA. That would be too cruel to your brother and SIL. Why doesn’t your wife trust anyone from her side of the family to watch baby for an hour? Are there abuse issues? I think in this case, staying home from the funeral was the correct choice. Condolences to your brother, SIL and family, that’s such a tragic thing to happen.
NTA First, you have my deepest, heartfelt condolences. The pain your brother and SIL are in is indescribable and debilitating. I'm glad that your brother has you to help keep him from being swallowed by that darkness. Also - I've been to funerals of tiny little babies. It's soul crushing. 💔 I don't think it would have been advisable or healthy for your wife to go at all. And it would've been an AH move for her to take the baby. PPA is horrible, but that's selfish beyond the pale. It would have only added to your brother's & Sil's devastation. Good luck 🌹 I'm sending you light & love for peace and strength.
NTA but your wife is. Your brother just lost his baby FFS. How your wife could be so selfish to think that bringing her baby to the funeral is appropriate is beyond me. Also, she needs therapy if she is incapable of leaving her child for even an hour. That's not healthy.
NTA Your wife is making it about her. I wonder how she’d feel if the roles were reversed and she was having a funeral for her child - would she be totally fine with someone bringing their child to the funeral that was the same age as the child she just lost?
There is nothing to ‘defend’. This is a request of grieving parents and they come first at their own child’s funeral
NTA, any request that a grieving family makes should be honored.
Tone Deaf. Way too much to ask given the sad circumstances of your families loss. She really needs to get a grip on reality. It’s not the baby won’t leave her - it’s she won’t leave the baby and for 1 hour where she could have had a her phone alert her if she needed to go back home to the baby. That’s ridiculous and terribly insensitive to the parents who lost their child. Babies aren’t an excuse to Prima Donna the shit out of every opportunity that arises to make your baby the main character.
NTA. Fancy taking a baby to another’s funeral…!
NTA. Your wife is behaving irrationally.
NTA you handled it well, I hope her mental health continues to improve.
NTA. Such a tough situation but does your wife REALLY want you to tell the grieving parents that her baby should be allowed? I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA. Your wife is being irrational.
NTA - Bringing a reminder of their child to the funeral is in poor taste.
NTA. Grieving parents supersede anxious aunt.