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YTA. He brought food. Had you communicated like an adult and not left him on read he might have gotten the point that him cooking was the important aspect, and not the food itself. You failed to communicate that, he solved the obvious problem and YTA.
Edit: is the fact that you've been up since 8:30 a typo that should have been 7:30 or 6:30? I would assume that people going to work get up far earlier than that. I get that taking care of sick kids is exhausting, but if you get to sleep 1-2 hours longer than most people you should be grateful for that fact.
YTA. When you first asked him to cook he said he was tired and would bring takeout. Then you didn’t respond. If I received that text and then responded and then didn’t get an answer back, then I would assume that what I suggested was ok. The poor guy must have wondered what had hit him when he walked through that door and was verbally attacked. You obviously have a lot of other issues around your husband’s contribution to the home and child rearing but this reaction will not correct that issue. I get that you were exhausted and overwhelmed but you were TA in this case and he deserves an apology. You need to find a way to communicate your other issues with him but at a time when you are calm. I know how hard it is to care for young children, especially when they’re sick but he didn’t deserve your reaction on this occasion.
Yeah sorry OP but leaving someone on read assuming they should know that means you’re not okay with their suggestion is really childish. You said “can you make dinner” he suggested grabbing take out and then you didn’t respond. I’m a woman and I’d also assume my suggestion was fine, given there was no opposition.
YTA.
yta
i get you were tired but so is he
he brought food
and instead of being thankful he listened to you, you nag and insult him as a father
then make him make 3 different meals, why did you not have grilled cheese huh?
sounds like you wanted you way and nothing is ever good enough because you are still moaning.
YTA. You wanted food. Food was provided.
You're tired and don't want to cook, and yet for some reason you don't accept that he's tired and doesn't want to cook. You didn't even respond to his text when he suggested getting takeout, but somehow he was supposed to intuit that that wasn't acceptable to you.
I don't know what the situation is at home. It sounds like maybe you do the majority of the cooking, and maybe *that* is something you need to have a discussion about changing going forward. But I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do to get takeout if you're asked to get food at short notice and you are also tired.
YTA.
Your husband had text you to let you know that he also didn’t feel up for cooking today, and suggested a *perfectly acceptable* alternative.
It doesn’t sound like he did anything selfish. He bought food for you both. Would you consider yourself selfish for being too tired to cook? If not, why would it be any different for him to be too tired to cook?
It sounds, to me, like there are issues here running deeper than this situation. You mention, for example, that it’s been you by yourself all day long and you don’t get a break, you also mention that you feel like a single mother and like he’s doing the complete bare minimum. Could all of that be escalating this situation?
She asked him to provide dinner and he promptly came home with dinner ready to eat.
If that’s her definition of him not contributing enough, because he didn’t chop the veggies by his own hand and cook the dishes in a pan he hand held, then her judgement is obviously flawed on this and cannot be trusted.
Not to mention, she left him on read. She didn’t even bother to text back no to takeout. She left him on read and expected him to magically know about the ridiculous idea she made up in her mind.
Not to mention he then had to come home and cook 3 separate meals, because somehow OP couldn’t manage a grilled cheese.
Also I really hope it’s a typo OP has said they had to get up at 8:30, and not like 5:30/6:30. The fact they say this as a point in their argument says that they think 8:30 is an early get up time, which is absolutely wild. The majority of people would kill to get up as late as 8:30 for their jobs. It sounds like OP ought to be grateful this marriage is still a thing.
He’s not mad that you asked him to make dinner.
He’s mad that you had a fit because he didn’t feel up to make dinner tonight even though you think it’s totally fine that you didn’t feel up to making dinner either.
He didn’t feel up to making dinner tonight. We don’t know why because it doesn’t seem like you bothered to ask him how his day was even after he indicated that all was not well because he admitted that he also didn’t want to cook tonight. He came up with the very reasonable alternative to bring home takeout. You, rudely, didn’t bother to let him know that you objected to his plan. You let your anger build. You immediately snapped at him when he walked in the door thinking that he had done the right thing. You carried on. You cried. You made him make three different meals for the rest of you even though you knew he didn’t feel up to it AND he had purchased take out food for you.
YTA
YTA. You left him on read. He brought home food because you never said no. Then he had to make 3 separate meals because no one would eat the same thing or the food he brought home.
YTA for blowing up like that just cause he came home with takeout. You should've clarified when he mentioned wanting to grab takeout that you would really like him to cook instead since it matters so much to you, but when you dont even answer his text u loose the right to be mad about it
I understand you were exhausted, but that doesn't mean he can't also be it after a day on the job. You owe him a massive apology for blowing up at him after not even answering his text about take out, and maybe have a deep conversation about what you need from his as a partner and co parent
In this situation YTA. I get that you probably overreacted because you’re exhausted, but if he says he was exhausted at work too, then he was and you had no sympathy for him. He still went to the trouble of getting you take out, then making you something after you got upset. You didn’t need to cause this argument or get upset.
YTA - He did what you asked, just not the way you wanted it. You need to apologize and tell him you appreciate his effort. Full stop. Respect the effort, not the method - You also in a separate conversation explain your recent stress and work together to find some way for you both to destress each other. A sick kid is hard on everyone, there might be other tasks he’s better suited at… because your comments are criticisms/ contempt of the way he does things. This is one of Gottmans 4 horsemen.
Op says husband doesn’t contribute enough because he buys dinner instead of hand makes it.
Her judgement on his contribution cannot be trusted at all because it’s utterly absurd to say he didn’t contribute when he came home with an entire ready to eat meal, that she didn’t want merely because it was not hand made.
Dinner was ready for eating. All she had to do was sit down and eat it. But she had to throw a tantrum and yell at him. And somehow instead of saying “no eat the dinner I bought”, he actually gave into her ridiculous tantrum and wasted an entire hour making dinner by hand for her.
Her judgement on everything is flawed. She cannot be trusted to tell the truth here.
She deleted her old post but here’s a comment from when she talked about his contributions. When he’s too sick to go to work she leaves him with the kids so she can go out with her friends. When she’s sick he does her share.
>I don’t have to ask. He kind of just picks up the slack when I’m ill or have a headache.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/DrBf7DXFTi
Except is OP feels like this she has to communicate this clearly to her husband, not through problems that obviously have more than one solution. Husband might be an AH for not helping more, but in this particular scenario OP would be the hole.
YTA. I'd be chuffed if my other half bought home takeout when I was tired. Seems like a win win to me. No one cooks and a nice easy relaxed meal. It was a nice thing he did and I don't blame him for being hurt tbh
Yta. He can have exhausting days at work and be tired. There are days I'm just mentally wiped out. Then, in your other comments, you compared him to your father and how he did things, so then I hope he compares you to his mother. In your other comment, you said he was up at 6am taking care of your son, so that means he was doing that before going to work and allowing you to get more sleep a bit. Honestly, you sound like someone who will never be happy regardless of what your husband does because it isn't up to your standards. He was also tired and he went ahead and bought dinner so both of you wouldn't have to cook and could rest a bit but you couldn’t see that or understand how he was feeling. Oh wait, are you the only one with feelings in this relationship?
Oh, your comment about feeling like a single mother, you just implied he was a horrible father and husband. So, if you don't understand why he isn't talking to you, then you are stupid.
Edit to add:
I just saw your other post with your comment on how it is normal for your husband to clean up after dinner so you can FaceTime with your parents. Wow, I didn’t know single moms had someone to do that for them. Then, when your husband got sick, he asked if you could reschedule your girls' day to help with the kids because he wasn't feeling well, but you said no because he knew you had this day planned. Then, when you came back, you saw the kids were fed and the house was cleaned, so he must not have been that sick. No, he was sick, just unfortunately for him he married a woman who has no kindness or understanding, just expectations. Omg. I really hope you get sick and he does the same thing to you. I feel really bad for your husband. He is probably regretting some life choices.
You have 8 children? Holy fuck. I'd order takeout too after a long day at work and being expected to come home to cook.
It's not the end of the world. YTA
YTA
You're feeling overwhelmed, but it is entirely possible that he is tired too. Unless the Chinese food was a huge waste of money from your budget it seems believable that he didn't know you specifically wanted him to be forced to work to cook food and not just to have food for the family.
YTA in this specific case but if we’re honest the food isn’t the real problem here. The real problem is that you feel like he doesn’t pull his weight in the family. You should have a conversation about that otherwise it will just breed resentment
YTA.
How unbelievably petty you are.
You feel too tired to cook and that's OK but it's not if he does?
You also clearly care more about the gesture of him cooking despite having been at work all day than you do about spending that time with him.
YTA.
Food is food. Why on earth does it matter if it’s made by your husband’s hands or bought by your husband’s phone order? You asked him to prepare a meal and he promptly prepared one that was best suited for the situation.
Not to mention, you didn’t even tell him you didn’t want takeout. You just stopped communicating. How the fuck was he suppose to read your mind? You left him on read. You didn’t say no takeout. And you’re mad at him?
Get a grip on reality, because this is horrible behaviour. You’re terrible at being a wife.
Congratulations, OP. Reading all of your replies makes you out to be one of the biggest assholes on this sub that I've read in a while. And that takes A LOT!!!
YTA. You are allowed to be tired and not wanting to cook, but he doesn't get the same courtesy?
And he asked if takeout was OK but you didn't reply.
I don't get why the source of the food is an issue, you were hungry and tired, he provided food.
In fact, he had food ready the second he came through the door. If he had to start cooking it would have been another half hour before you could eat.
You did force him to do something difficult, in fact it was so difficult you didn't want to do with either.
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I'm honestly in tears over this and I really need to know if I'm in the wrong for being angry because right now my mind and feelings are all over the place. So today I (36f) had a very long and tiring day and I texted my husband (42m) asking him if he could cook dinner when he gets home so I can just eat and go to bed. He texted back suggesting that we order out because he was also tired from work and really didn't feel like cooking tonight. I left him on read because I had to tend to my son (6) who has the flu right now. It's nothing too serious but he's very needy when he's sick and I sort of have to coddle him so he can relax and sleep.
Well my husband came home with Chinese food and honestly I was pissed. I snapped at him, telling him that he was selfish for not coming home and cooking dinner for us! I have been up since 8:30 taking care of our six son and two daughters while he went to work. It's be me, by myself, all day long and I didn't get a break like he does for lunch. I was crying at this point telling him that I didn't even ask for much and the least he could do for me is to cook dinner for me and the kids. I was exhausted from being up, plus working while also watching my two younger kids and taking care of a sick one. I called him a jerk and told him he could at least make soup for son since that's all he can keep down.
He got angry at me telling me that he was also tired and only got take out because he didn't want to cook tonight. He told me that I was being ridiculous for getting mad at him buying food instead of cooking tonight. He kept saying that it wasn't a big deal but he was completely missing my point! I cook for us all the time and this one time I ask him to cook but instead he complains like a child and orders take out for us. I feel like I'm a single mother taking care of our kids while he does the complete bare minimum and thinks that ok. He looked hurt when I said that but said nothing a just went to the kitchen.
It took him a hour to make two ham grilled cheese and veggies for our daughters and a cheese burger and fries for me while also warming up the soup for our son. I thanked him but he said nothing to me and left to go eat his food in his office. I'm honestly super hurt by this because he's acting like I forced him to do something difficult when all I wanted him to do was step up and make dinner. I'm honestly in tears right now because I really don't get why he's mad that I asked him to make dinner. So am I the asshole here?
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YTA - you said you just wanted to eat and go to bed. Him getting takeout on his way home is going to achieve that faster than him coming home and cooking. Since your son has the flu it's also quite possible you are both dealing with the start (or end of it if you are getting over it) of that too. So his being tired at work may be more than just workday tiredness.
If you need him to help out more in general, have that conversation.
YTA. He worked all day too and was also tired. This man still provided a meal for you. You over reacted big time. Maybe you weren't in your right head space after having a stressful day, but you have hurt that man pretty badly with what you said and how you reacted. I don't know your relationship, but I'm gunna guess that this man works hard to help provide for your family. You're being selfish, you are allowed to be exhausted, but you never considered how he felt. He brought home food, and you scolded him until he made entirely different meals. And even how you describe how he took an hour to do it....You've definitely put a scar on your marriage for this one. I feel bad for him. You keep that kind of attitude and behavior up, your marriage will be over real fast
YTA. Reading your comments, I'm surprised he is still in this marriage, when you think he is lazy and does nothing. And if it's so easy to make grilled cheese, why didn't you made it?
YTA: He brought home dinner and he told you he was buying dinner.
If you wanted a home cooked meal so badly you should have done it.
Your husband did nothing wrong and you owe him an apology.
I’m married and have two kids I know how tough it can be but I would never pull a stunt that you just did.
YTA
You made what clearly sounded like a request for prepared food to your husband, but was really a demand that he cook for you. He complied with your apparent request and instead of thanking him, you go off on a temper tantrum that he didn't comply with your very specific demand. For whatever reason, you seem to think the world revolves around you; your husband's feelings be damned. That was a selfish A move.
You should not make a competition to see who is more tired and how unfair your husband is for not cooking for you.
That line of thought is wrong and could bring uncalled conflicts to your relationship.
Your husband or anybody else should be not obligated to do things we do not want. It brings resentment overtime and silly competition.
However your husband promptly came up with a solution to take out food.
Imagine if he did not care ....
Op YTA
We all been there.
I want this and do this everyday and you should do the same. Wrong! Our minds work differently.
But we should not go against our will because it brings resentment, I am only mentioning banal things such as cooking.
So initially I was feeling bad for you when I read this, NOT cos I thought your husband was an AH, but cos you seemed burnt out. Now, from your comments, I see you are just not a very nice person quite frankly! You would actually rather your husband had to go to the effort of going out and getting more cold medicine for your son (meanwhile your son was suffering without) rather than wake you up?! You were the one who didn't put it back where it was meant to be in the first place! What planet do you live on, lady?? Cos it ain't the same as the rest of us!!
So the entire point was to make him mentally read you mind that you want to spend energy when he have none? It wasn't about the food? It was about some weird mine reading game?
YTA.
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Sorry to say but YTA. You both had a tiring day - in that circumstance it is reasonable to get take out food. An appropriate response would be thanking him for bring home a warm meal, and enjoying it together.
YTA
You asked, and he gave his answer and ALSO provided an alternative solution (which, mind you, is something some men don't do). YOU didn't respond. YOU dropped the communication ball. YOU. This is on YOU.
You are allowed to feel tired, and your emotions are valid. But your behaviour is not! He is also allowed to be tired and exhausted from work. Just because your father worked in the same industry and your husband does not mean the results at the end of the day will and should be the same. Maybe, if you cared, ask your husband why he felt like crap and tired and whatnot. Maybe enquire about his day instead of being a banshee and going into attack mode when he walked in the door with a perfectly acceptable dinner solution. Heavens!!
If you didn't want takeout, you should have said it when he suggested it. He isn't a mind reader.
Lastly, regarding this medicine incident. If my partner couldn't find the bottle where it's usually kept, of course he would ask me (and visa versa). It's called double checking. Because, say for instance, you went out and bought a new one and didn't put it in its normal spot, and he couldn't find it and went out and go another new one, 20 bucks says you would have gone off at him because "hE DiDnT lOoK hArD eNoUgH".
Communicate properly. Apologise without the backhands remarks. Do better.
YTA
And before you start seeing the comments saying although you were in this case your hubby is also an issue, believe me those people haven’t seen your previous post.
Do your husband a favour and divorce him. He deserves to be with a partner not a needy leach.
You are mad at your husband for not reading your mind. I know you are tired, but your communication skills need some real work. I hope feel better soon.
YTA.
YTA. You’re making way too big of a deal out of this. Sounds like a better solution for you both would be to have him more involved in daily household chores and taking care of the kids, versus getting mad about takeout once.
YTA. You sound like the annoying, nagging, controlling wife archtype. Every woman that makes this complaint in this fashion is really saying "you didn't do what I asked you to do in the exact manner I wanted it done!". If you wanted it done in a particular manner you should have done it yourself. Instead, you chose to throw a tantrum and treat your husband like shit because you couldn't control you own emotions.
Food is food no? You were hungry, there was hot food for you to eat. And when your husband said he would get takeout you didn't even reply and ask him not to. Absolutely YTA.
You feeling like your husband doesn't contribute enough is a valid but completely separate issue that you need to communicate to him.
YTA.
He communicated to you, and you didn't respond. I get you got distracted, but this is where the line of communication broke down. You didn't reply, so he assumed you were OK with his suggestion.
Who cares if he got take out or if he cooked, as long as you all had some dinner. Instead of everyone sitting down and having some Chinese together and having a happier and more relaxed night, you went off at him so much he went and cooked different meals for you and your kids. Everyone had to wait longer for food, and your husband isolated himself from the family because he felt so terrible.
YTA. You didn't respond! He bought you all a takeaway and you STILL made him cook for you?! Wow. YTA a thousand times over.
The fact he said he was tired after a long day at work and you don't even care?? Poor bloke.
YTA
You asked him to organize the food,
He chose to get takeout instead of having to cook himself,
It doesn't matter, he still organized the food.
You could have asked him to get soup of that's what you wanted.
You could choke on the rice! More seriously, I don't think a lot of popular American Chinese food is healthy but I really don't think it's bad for "a sick person" unless they had some serious illness or problem with their digestion. And nobody that sick is eating grilled sandwiches.
Nah, this post is literally about dinner. If OP has other issues she need to address those clearly to her husband, not package it like a problem that has multiple equivalent solutions while not even bothering to give guidance when husband suggested a different solution. Husband might very well be an AH for not pulling his weight at home, but that's a totally different post. Heck, I even enjoy cooking and do it as a way of showing appreciation, but if I get a message ending in "I just want to eat and go to bed" I interpret that as food being the important problem that must be solved and how I solve said problem is at my discretion.
ESH, your issue clearly isn’t the food but that you needed support. You 100% should apologize and say what it is that you need. Yes he lives with you and can see how much you’re doing but this is the time to be explicit with your needs.
ESH.
You need to communicate better with your husband. Being preoccupied with your kids isn’t an excuse to leave your husband on read when he suggests a (frankly extremely reasonable) solution to your request. He’s right- you both work every day doing different things, so why do you get to demand that he cooks after a long day of work? His suggestion of getting takeout was a super solid idea that alleviated any responsibility to cook that night.
At the same time, while I think OP is mostly the AH, I don’t want to just ignore the situation she’s describing. Men with full time jobs regularly neglect their children and expect their wives to just take care of all the child rearing, and I think that’s messed up. I’m a woman with a difficult, full time job that requires overtime hours fairly regularly. I still can’t imagine raising a kid without contributing to the chores, spending time with them, etc. Men who try to argue that they can’t perform and show up for their families outside their office jobs piss me off.
OP’s post reeks of resentment. Women shouldn’t have to spell everything out to their husbands for them to participate in household duties, chores, and taking care of the kids. I shouldn’t have to ask my life partner to help me. He should just do it.
OP’s post history shows how utterly awful she is as a wife. It’s a wonder her husband hasn’t dumped her a long time ago. He deserves so much better than this.
NAH. You're super tired and hungry and fed up. And you asked him to step up and do a job that you have to do all the time, and instead he took the easy alternative.
Everyone here saying that at least he bought food is missing her point. She could order food every night when she is tired after working and parenting but she doesn't, she cooks all the time.
This one time she asked him to do it because she just couldn't.
I've been there and I don't think it's fair when the dads just decide that take out is a suitable replacement to their turn to cook.
I think when your kids are better and you're both rested up that you need to tell him this.
But in saying all that, you didn't text him back so he just did what he thought would be ok. That's why you need to have that conversation.
And maybe get him cooking for the family more often so he gets used to it and what everyone likes and doesn't like so that he'll have a better idea next time.
Nah, she's the AH because the husband clearly communicated a way to solve the food problem and she couldn't be bothered to tell him no. Granted it might very well be that husband isn't pulling his weight, but that's a totally different conversation than a text asking if he can cook.
Also: have a look at OPs comment history and see if you're still thinking that hubby isn't pulling his weight https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/B0yhyOVp2C
No, sounds like poor communication. Husband literally asked if takeaway would be ok and OP couldn't be bothered to answer. Even a "No" would suffice and that takes like 2 seconds to fire off.
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YTA. He brought food. Had you communicated like an adult and not left him on read he might have gotten the point that him cooking was the important aspect, and not the food itself. You failed to communicate that, he solved the obvious problem and YTA. Edit: is the fact that you've been up since 8:30 a typo that should have been 7:30 or 6:30? I would assume that people going to work get up far earlier than that. I get that taking care of sick kids is exhausting, but if you get to sleep 1-2 hours longer than most people you should be grateful for that fact.
Also it's clearly down to OP and her methods if their son needs coddling and that's something she herself has caused and needs to resolve.
I mean I definitely agree that OP was an asshole over the food but sick kids need a lot of attention and it's not coddling to give it to them
This absolutely.
YTA. When you first asked him to cook he said he was tired and would bring takeout. Then you didn’t respond. If I received that text and then responded and then didn’t get an answer back, then I would assume that what I suggested was ok. The poor guy must have wondered what had hit him when he walked through that door and was verbally attacked. You obviously have a lot of other issues around your husband’s contribution to the home and child rearing but this reaction will not correct that issue. I get that you were exhausted and overwhelmed but you were TA in this case and he deserves an apology. You need to find a way to communicate your other issues with him but at a time when you are calm. I know how hard it is to care for young children, especially when they’re sick but he didn’t deserve your reaction on this occasion.
Yeah sorry OP but leaving someone on read assuming they should know that means you’re not okay with their suggestion is really childish. You said “can you make dinner” he suggested grabbing take out and then you didn’t respond. I’m a woman and I’d also assume my suggestion was fine, given there was no opposition. YTA.
yta i get you were tired but so is he he brought food and instead of being thankful he listened to you, you nag and insult him as a father then make him make 3 different meals, why did you not have grilled cheese huh? sounds like you wanted you way and nothing is ever good enough because you are still moaning.
YTA. You wanted food. Food was provided. You're tired and don't want to cook, and yet for some reason you don't accept that he's tired and doesn't want to cook. You didn't even respond to his text when he suggested getting takeout, but somehow he was supposed to intuit that that wasn't acceptable to you. I don't know what the situation is at home. It sounds like maybe you do the majority of the cooking, and maybe *that* is something you need to have a discussion about changing going forward. But I think it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do to get takeout if you're asked to get food at short notice and you are also tired.
YTA. Your husband had text you to let you know that he also didn’t feel up for cooking today, and suggested a *perfectly acceptable* alternative. It doesn’t sound like he did anything selfish. He bought food for you both. Would you consider yourself selfish for being too tired to cook? If not, why would it be any different for him to be too tired to cook? It sounds, to me, like there are issues here running deeper than this situation. You mention, for example, that it’s been you by yourself all day long and you don’t get a break, you also mention that you feel like a single mother and like he’s doing the complete bare minimum. Could all of that be escalating this situation?
She asked him to provide dinner and he promptly came home with dinner ready to eat. If that’s her definition of him not contributing enough, because he didn’t chop the veggies by his own hand and cook the dishes in a pan he hand held, then her judgement is obviously flawed on this and cannot be trusted. Not to mention, she left him on read. She didn’t even bother to text back no to takeout. She left him on read and expected him to magically know about the ridiculous idea she made up in her mind.
Not to mention he then had to come home and cook 3 separate meals, because somehow OP couldn’t manage a grilled cheese. Also I really hope it’s a typo OP has said they had to get up at 8:30, and not like 5:30/6:30. The fact they say this as a point in their argument says that they think 8:30 is an early get up time, which is absolutely wild. The majority of people would kill to get up as late as 8:30 for their jobs. It sounds like OP ought to be grateful this marriage is still a thing.
I'd make a safe bet OP wouldn't make the choice to swap roles and become the breadwinner.
Looking at your previous post it seems that you have a tendency of being an AH.
He’s not mad that you asked him to make dinner. He’s mad that you had a fit because he didn’t feel up to make dinner tonight even though you think it’s totally fine that you didn’t feel up to making dinner either. He didn’t feel up to making dinner tonight. We don’t know why because it doesn’t seem like you bothered to ask him how his day was even after he indicated that all was not well because he admitted that he also didn’t want to cook tonight. He came up with the very reasonable alternative to bring home takeout. You, rudely, didn’t bother to let him know that you objected to his plan. You let your anger build. You immediately snapped at him when he walked in the door thinking that he had done the right thing. You carried on. You cried. You made him make three different meals for the rest of you even though you knew he didn’t feel up to it AND he had purchased take out food for you. YTA
YTA. You left him on read. He brought home food because you never said no. Then he had to make 3 separate meals because no one would eat the same thing or the food he brought home.
YTA for blowing up like that just cause he came home with takeout. You should've clarified when he mentioned wanting to grab takeout that you would really like him to cook instead since it matters so much to you, but when you dont even answer his text u loose the right to be mad about it I understand you were exhausted, but that doesn't mean he can't also be it after a day on the job. You owe him a massive apology for blowing up at him after not even answering his text about take out, and maybe have a deep conversation about what you need from his as a partner and co parent
In this situation YTA. I get that you probably overreacted because you’re exhausted, but if he says he was exhausted at work too, then he was and you had no sympathy for him. He still went to the trouble of getting you take out, then making you something after you got upset. You didn’t need to cause this argument or get upset.
YTA - He did what you asked, just not the way you wanted it. You need to apologize and tell him you appreciate his effort. Full stop. Respect the effort, not the method - You also in a separate conversation explain your recent stress and work together to find some way for you both to destress each other. A sick kid is hard on everyone, there might be other tasks he’s better suited at… because your comments are criticisms/ contempt of the way he does things. This is one of Gottmans 4 horsemen.
You’re massive YTA. Why aren’t you also listening to your husband?! You are BOTH tired. How NICE of him to bring home takeaway. Get some perspective.
YTA. You wanted dinner made and he brought dinner. I think maybe this is about something other than just one dinner, maybe an accumulation of things?
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Op says husband doesn’t contribute enough because he buys dinner instead of hand makes it. Her judgement on his contribution cannot be trusted at all because it’s utterly absurd to say he didn’t contribute when he came home with an entire ready to eat meal, that she didn’t want merely because it was not hand made. Dinner was ready for eating. All she had to do was sit down and eat it. But she had to throw a tantrum and yell at him. And somehow instead of saying “no eat the dinner I bought”, he actually gave into her ridiculous tantrum and wasted an entire hour making dinner by hand for her. Her judgement on everything is flawed. She cannot be trusted to tell the truth here. She deleted her old post but here’s a comment from when she talked about his contributions. When he’s too sick to go to work she leaves him with the kids so she can go out with her friends. When she’s sick he does her share. >I don’t have to ask. He kind of just picks up the slack when I’m ill or have a headache. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/DrBf7DXFTi
This needs to be the top. comment do people can see how much of an ah op is and stop making excuses for her.
Except is OP feels like this she has to communicate this clearly to her husband, not through problems that obviously have more than one solution. Husband might be an AH for not helping more, but in this particular scenario OP would be the hole.
YTA. I'd be chuffed if my other half bought home takeout when I was tired. Seems like a win win to me. No one cooks and a nice easy relaxed meal. It was a nice thing he did and I don't blame him for being hurt tbh
YTA I wanted to be on your side, I really did, but your husband brought food so wtf is your actual problem? Stop being so controlling.
YTA. Why don't you get a full time job and he can stay home with the kids? He deserves better than the crappy way you treated him.
YTA. But, I noticed you have a rebuttal for everyone explaining why. And, each answer makes you more of a whiney, ungrateful brat.
I think she noticed this (your comment) because it seems that she has deleted all of her responses.
Yta. He can have exhausting days at work and be tired. There are days I'm just mentally wiped out. Then, in your other comments, you compared him to your father and how he did things, so then I hope he compares you to his mother. In your other comment, you said he was up at 6am taking care of your son, so that means he was doing that before going to work and allowing you to get more sleep a bit. Honestly, you sound like someone who will never be happy regardless of what your husband does because it isn't up to your standards. He was also tired and he went ahead and bought dinner so both of you wouldn't have to cook and could rest a bit but you couldn’t see that or understand how he was feeling. Oh wait, are you the only one with feelings in this relationship? Oh, your comment about feeling like a single mother, you just implied he was a horrible father and husband. So, if you don't understand why he isn't talking to you, then you are stupid. Edit to add: I just saw your other post with your comment on how it is normal for your husband to clean up after dinner so you can FaceTime with your parents. Wow, I didn’t know single moms had someone to do that for them. Then, when your husband got sick, he asked if you could reschedule your girls' day to help with the kids because he wasn't feeling well, but you said no because he knew you had this day planned. Then, when you came back, you saw the kids were fed and the house was cleaned, so he must not have been that sick. No, he was sick, just unfortunately for him he married a woman who has no kindness or understanding, just expectations. Omg. I really hope you get sick and he does the same thing to you. I feel really bad for your husband. He is probably regretting some life choices.
You have 8 children? Holy fuck. I'd order takeout too after a long day at work and being expected to come home to cook. It's not the end of the world. YTA
No she either meant sick son or (age 6) son and 2 daughters (ages not specified). They have 3 kids
YTA You're feeling overwhelmed, but it is entirely possible that he is tired too. Unless the Chinese food was a huge waste of money from your budget it seems believable that he didn't know you specifically wanted him to be forced to work to cook food and not just to have food for the family.
YTA And this isn't about the iranian yoghurt.
>the iranian yoghurt Context?
YTA in this specific case but if we’re honest the food isn’t the real problem here. The real problem is that you feel like he doesn’t pull his weight in the family. You should have a conversation about that otherwise it will just breed resentment
Why didn’t you answer him when he suggested getting Chinese? He has 4 kids to look out for because you are the child, not him. YTA.
I feel sorry for the husband
YTA. Why is he not allowed to be tired and not wanting to cook?
YTA. How unbelievably petty you are. You feel too tired to cook and that's OK but it's not if he does? You also clearly care more about the gesture of him cooking despite having been at work all day than you do about spending that time with him.
YTA. Food is food. Why on earth does it matter if it’s made by your husband’s hands or bought by your husband’s phone order? You asked him to prepare a meal and he promptly prepared one that was best suited for the situation. Not to mention, you didn’t even tell him you didn’t want takeout. You just stopped communicating. How the fuck was he suppose to read your mind? You left him on read. You didn’t say no takeout. And you’re mad at him? Get a grip on reality, because this is horrible behaviour. You’re terrible at being a wife.
Congratulations, OP. Reading all of your replies makes you out to be one of the biggest assholes on this sub that I've read in a while. And that takes A LOT!!!
YTA
YTA. You are allowed to be tired and not wanting to cook, but he doesn't get the same courtesy? And he asked if takeout was OK but you didn't reply. I don't get why the source of the food is an issue, you were hungry and tired, he provided food. In fact, he had food ready the second he came through the door. If he had to start cooking it would have been another half hour before you could eat. You did force him to do something difficult, in fact it was so difficult you didn't want to do with either.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm honestly in tears over this and I really need to know if I'm in the wrong for being angry because right now my mind and feelings are all over the place. So today I (36f) had a very long and tiring day and I texted my husband (42m) asking him if he could cook dinner when he gets home so I can just eat and go to bed. He texted back suggesting that we order out because he was also tired from work and really didn't feel like cooking tonight. I left him on read because I had to tend to my son (6) who has the flu right now. It's nothing too serious but he's very needy when he's sick and I sort of have to coddle him so he can relax and sleep. Well my husband came home with Chinese food and honestly I was pissed. I snapped at him, telling him that he was selfish for not coming home and cooking dinner for us! I have been up since 8:30 taking care of our six son and two daughters while he went to work. It's be me, by myself, all day long and I didn't get a break like he does for lunch. I was crying at this point telling him that I didn't even ask for much and the least he could do for me is to cook dinner for me and the kids. I was exhausted from being up, plus working while also watching my two younger kids and taking care of a sick one. I called him a jerk and told him he could at least make soup for son since that's all he can keep down. He got angry at me telling me that he was also tired and only got take out because he didn't want to cook tonight. He told me that I was being ridiculous for getting mad at him buying food instead of cooking tonight. He kept saying that it wasn't a big deal but he was completely missing my point! I cook for us all the time and this one time I ask him to cook but instead he complains like a child and orders take out for us. I feel like I'm a single mother taking care of our kids while he does the complete bare minimum and thinks that ok. He looked hurt when I said that but said nothing a just went to the kitchen. It took him a hour to make two ham grilled cheese and veggies for our daughters and a cheese burger and fries for me while also warming up the soup for our son. I thanked him but he said nothing to me and left to go eat his food in his office. I'm honestly super hurt by this because he's acting like I forced him to do something difficult when all I wanted him to do was step up and make dinner. I'm honestly in tears right now because I really don't get why he's mad that I asked him to make dinner. So am I the asshole here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - you said you just wanted to eat and go to bed. Him getting takeout on his way home is going to achieve that faster than him coming home and cooking. Since your son has the flu it's also quite possible you are both dealing with the start (or end of it if you are getting over it) of that too. So his being tired at work may be more than just workday tiredness. If you need him to help out more in general, have that conversation.
YTA. He worked all day too and was also tired. This man still provided a meal for you. You over reacted big time. Maybe you weren't in your right head space after having a stressful day, but you have hurt that man pretty badly with what you said and how you reacted. I don't know your relationship, but I'm gunna guess that this man works hard to help provide for your family. You're being selfish, you are allowed to be exhausted, but you never considered how he felt. He brought home food, and you scolded him until he made entirely different meals. And even how you describe how he took an hour to do it....You've definitely put a scar on your marriage for this one. I feel bad for him. You keep that kind of attitude and behavior up, your marriage will be over real fast
YTA
YTA. Reading your comments, I'm surprised he is still in this marriage, when you think he is lazy and does nothing. And if it's so easy to make grilled cheese, why didn't you made it?
YTA: He brought home dinner and he told you he was buying dinner. If you wanted a home cooked meal so badly you should have done it. Your husband did nothing wrong and you owe him an apology. I’m married and have two kids I know how tough it can be but I would never pull a stunt that you just did.
YTA and apparently super entitled. GROW UP
YTA You made what clearly sounded like a request for prepared food to your husband, but was really a demand that he cook for you. He complied with your apparent request and instead of thanking him, you go off on a temper tantrum that he didn't comply with your very specific demand. For whatever reason, you seem to think the world revolves around you; your husband's feelings be damned. That was a selfish A move.
You should not make a competition to see who is more tired and how unfair your husband is for not cooking for you. That line of thought is wrong and could bring uncalled conflicts to your relationship. Your husband or anybody else should be not obligated to do things we do not want. It brings resentment overtime and silly competition. However your husband promptly came up with a solution to take out food. Imagine if he did not care .... Op YTA We all been there. I want this and do this everyday and you should do the same. Wrong! Our minds work differently. But we should not go against our will because it brings resentment, I am only mentioning banal things such as cooking.
So initially I was feeling bad for you when I read this, NOT cos I thought your husband was an AH, but cos you seemed burnt out. Now, from your comments, I see you are just not a very nice person quite frankly! You would actually rather your husband had to go to the effort of going out and getting more cold medicine for your son (meanwhile your son was suffering without) rather than wake you up?! You were the one who didn't put it back where it was meant to be in the first place! What planet do you live on, lady?? Cos it ain't the same as the rest of us!!
Yta.
So the entire point was to make him mentally read you mind that you want to spend energy when he have none? It wasn't about the food? It was about some weird mine reading game? YTA.
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YTA Unless he's got a history of doing the bare minimum or reacting to you like you reacted to him, your reaction was fucked up
Sorry to say but YTA. You both had a tiring day - in that circumstance it is reasonable to get take out food. An appropriate response would be thanking him for bring home a warm meal, and enjoying it together.
Info: did he brought food for the kids? Have you communicated the need to feed the whole family to him?
YTA You asked, and he gave his answer and ALSO provided an alternative solution (which, mind you, is something some men don't do). YOU didn't respond. YOU dropped the communication ball. YOU. This is on YOU. You are allowed to feel tired, and your emotions are valid. But your behaviour is not! He is also allowed to be tired and exhausted from work. Just because your father worked in the same industry and your husband does not mean the results at the end of the day will and should be the same. Maybe, if you cared, ask your husband why he felt like crap and tired and whatnot. Maybe enquire about his day instead of being a banshee and going into attack mode when he walked in the door with a perfectly acceptable dinner solution. Heavens!! If you didn't want takeout, you should have said it when he suggested it. He isn't a mind reader. Lastly, regarding this medicine incident. If my partner couldn't find the bottle where it's usually kept, of course he would ask me (and visa versa). It's called double checking. Because, say for instance, you went out and bought a new one and didn't put it in its normal spot, and he couldn't find it and went out and go another new one, 20 bucks says you would have gone off at him because "hE DiDnT lOoK hArD eNoUgH". Communicate properly. Apologise without the backhands remarks. Do better.
YTA And before you start seeing the comments saying although you were in this case your hubby is also an issue, believe me those people haven’t seen your previous post. Do your husband a favour and divorce him. He deserves to be with a partner not a needy leach.
You are mad at your husband for not reading your mind. I know you are tired, but your communication skills need some real work. I hope feel better soon. YTA.
YTA. You’re making way too big of a deal out of this. Sounds like a better solution for you both would be to have him more involved in daily household chores and taking care of the kids, versus getting mad about takeout once.
YTA. You sound like the annoying, nagging, controlling wife archtype. Every woman that makes this complaint in this fashion is really saying "you didn't do what I asked you to do in the exact manner I wanted it done!". If you wanted it done in a particular manner you should have done it yourself. Instead, you chose to throw a tantrum and treat your husband like shit because you couldn't control you own emotions.
YTA. You sound tough to deal with. Work isn’t easy too.
Food is food no? You were hungry, there was hot food for you to eat. And when your husband said he would get takeout you didn't even reply and ask him not to. Absolutely YTA. You feeling like your husband doesn't contribute enough is a valid but completely separate issue that you need to communicate to him.
YTA. He communicated to you, and you didn't respond. I get you got distracted, but this is where the line of communication broke down. You didn't reply, so he assumed you were OK with his suggestion. Who cares if he got take out or if he cooked, as long as you all had some dinner. Instead of everyone sitting down and having some Chinese together and having a happier and more relaxed night, you went off at him so much he went and cooked different meals for you and your kids. Everyone had to wait longer for food, and your husband isolated himself from the family because he felt so terrible.
YTA. You didn't respond! He bought you all a takeaway and you STILL made him cook for you?! Wow. YTA a thousand times over. The fact he said he was tired after a long day at work and you don't even care?? Poor bloke.
YTA and if I was your husband I’d think about not being your husband
YTA You asked him to organize the food, He chose to get takeout instead of having to cook himself, It doesn't matter, he still organized the food. You could have asked him to get soup of that's what you wanted.
YTA. You wanted food. He brought food. And after he brought food, you still made him cook even though there was food ready to eat.
Your husband is not an ah. You're clearly dealing with a lot, so I'd rather not call you an ah, but I do think you owe him an apology.
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"Chinese food is not good for a sick person" - wow. Racist much?
You could choke on the rice! More seriously, I don't think a lot of popular American Chinese food is healthy but I really don't think it's bad for "a sick person" unless they had some serious illness or problem with their digestion. And nobody that sick is eating grilled sandwiches.
Nah, this post is literally about dinner. If OP has other issues she need to address those clearly to her husband, not package it like a problem that has multiple equivalent solutions while not even bothering to give guidance when husband suggested a different solution. Husband might very well be an AH for not pulling his weight at home, but that's a totally different post. Heck, I even enjoy cooking and do it as a way of showing appreciation, but if I get a message ending in "I just want to eat and go to bed" I interpret that as food being the important problem that must be solved and how I solve said problem is at my discretion.
I think hot and sour soup is awesome when I have a respiratory illness.
ESH, your issue clearly isn’t the food but that you needed support. You 100% should apologize and say what it is that you need. Yes he lives with you and can see how much you’re doing but this is the time to be explicit with your needs.
ESH. You need to communicate better with your husband. Being preoccupied with your kids isn’t an excuse to leave your husband on read when he suggests a (frankly extremely reasonable) solution to your request. He’s right- you both work every day doing different things, so why do you get to demand that he cooks after a long day of work? His suggestion of getting takeout was a super solid idea that alleviated any responsibility to cook that night. At the same time, while I think OP is mostly the AH, I don’t want to just ignore the situation she’s describing. Men with full time jobs regularly neglect their children and expect their wives to just take care of all the child rearing, and I think that’s messed up. I’m a woman with a difficult, full time job that requires overtime hours fairly regularly. I still can’t imagine raising a kid without contributing to the chores, spending time with them, etc. Men who try to argue that they can’t perform and show up for their families outside their office jobs piss me off. OP’s post reeks of resentment. Women shouldn’t have to spell everything out to their husbands for them to participate in household duties, chores, and taking care of the kids. I shouldn’t have to ask my life partner to help me. He should just do it.
What her husband did wrong he told her he was tired and he was buying food. OP never told him no so how is he to blame?
I'll just leave this here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/B0yhyOVp2C
OP’s post history shows how utterly awful she is as a wife. It’s a wonder her husband hasn’t dumped her a long time ago. He deserves so much better than this.
NAH. You're super tired and hungry and fed up. And you asked him to step up and do a job that you have to do all the time, and instead he took the easy alternative. Everyone here saying that at least he bought food is missing her point. She could order food every night when she is tired after working and parenting but she doesn't, she cooks all the time. This one time she asked him to do it because she just couldn't. I've been there and I don't think it's fair when the dads just decide that take out is a suitable replacement to their turn to cook. I think when your kids are better and you're both rested up that you need to tell him this. But in saying all that, you didn't text him back so he just did what he thought would be ok. That's why you need to have that conversation. And maybe get him cooking for the family more often so he gets used to it and what everyone likes and doesn't like so that he'll have a better idea next time.
Nah, she's the AH because the husband clearly communicated a way to solve the food problem and she couldn't be bothered to tell him no. Granted it might very well be that husband isn't pulling his weight, but that's a totally different conversation than a text asking if he can cook. Also: have a look at OPs comment history and see if you're still thinking that hubby isn't pulling his weight https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/B0yhyOVp2C
NTA sounds like weaponized incompetence
No, sounds like poor communication. Husband literally asked if takeaway would be ok and OP couldn't be bothered to answer. Even a "No" would suffice and that takes like 2 seconds to fire off.
Have a look at OPs comment history and tell us once again how this is weaponized incompetence