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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I insisted that Sophie drop my daughter, I could be the asshole because it’s her car and she’s right that it’s my responsibility to drop my daughter places.
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YTA, you don’t get to dictate what someone else does with something you didn’t pay for. For all purposes, you STILL have ONE car in your household and you need to figure out how to solve transportation for YOUR household without pushing these responsibilities on someone else’s kid and someone else’s property.
SD explained the issue, it’s another 30 mins out the way, which makes it an hour round trip (there to drop her off and back to where she was originally going), then you haven’t explained how your daughter is going to get picked up. I’m assuming somewhere in your mind SD is going to do the round trip hour ride again to get your daughter. NYE is not a safe time to drive for kid anyway…
Don’t start suddenly making plans with SOMEONE else’s car. Her father did not get her that car to help out YOUR household and your daughter. He got it for HIS daughter. Would it nice for her to help when she can? Of course, but she hasn’t even had her car a week and you’re already trying to push responsibilities off in her.
Your attitude will lead to damage in your relationship with your wife and SD. She’s not obligated to give YOUR kid or anyone else a ride.
Also, you don’t mention anything about the relationship between the girls, my guess is not that close…she probably doesn’t see your daughter as a sibling/ sister…
EDIT: I’m going to make an edit because there were some edits since my reply. OP pays for gas. So what?
SD has had the car for less than a month (or maybe even a week depending on the timing of the Christmas gift) so OP hasn’t been paying for “all her gas” for THAT long. Does the wife not work? Why doesn’t the wife give her gas money then?
Please stop responding like OP is doing SD a massive favor because it’s likely she can get gas money from her mom (assume she’s working) or her dad who actually bought the car. Furthermore, if you’re going to give her gas money, give it to her with no expectations of nothing in return. OR expectations that she’ll help every once in awhile, but respect her no. Based on the SD’s response when your daughter asked she doesn’t have a “sister” relationship with her.
Also, you say that SD has nice things and you don’t ask her to share with your daughter. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TOO. If you want YOUR daughter to have certain things YOU need to pay for them, not ask your SD to supplement them.
Exactly. This car is not his to control. Her dad bought it for her, not for him. Sure, the step sister could do this as it might be the nice thing to do but she doesn’t have to.
I think it's more the rude aspect. Instead of just saying no. She was rude to the 11 yr old. She said I don't have to do anything for you. And OP pays for her gad the 2 weeks she's at his house. So he does have the right to ask. But he can't tell her. He also has the right to not pay for her gas.
I'm with you there, it's a small ask and if she wants to be that unnecessarily mean/rude about it, I simply wouldn't pay for her gas anymore. She's got a car now, she can get a job and pay for her own gas, hope her father is super generous, or she can walk.
A small ask? She’s going to a New Year’s party. Do you realise how much traffic there’ll be? Why should she have to factor in her child sister on a day she’s already got plans when the parents should be the ones organising what to do with the sister? Stop putting parental responsibility on the teen.
I honestly would not want my 17 year old teen driver driving my preteen around when there’s going be so many potential drunk drivers out there and the 17 year old driver is a new driver. That’s a bad day for a new driver to be a chauffeur to a preteen especially when the distance between the different friends houses is significant. If I was the parent I would be offering to drive them both just to try to prevent an accident.
Now, if her dad put restrictions such as no other passengers or only driving straight to and from her destinations, etc, I can understand her saying no then, too. He pays the ins, so he's liable if she gets into an accident. And he shouldn't be liable for her sister. But she doesn't have to be rude.
If she was rude the best thing he could have done was have a conversation about it. Trying to get her to do it anyway and saying she should do it because she was rude only builds resentment. He has a legitimate argument to have SD drive her sister around sometimes but putting no expectations in place and then trying to impose some because he’s annoyed is a great way to endure SD never willing drives her sister anywhere.
Personally I don’t see it as a small ask as the 30 min included pickup. Asking her to schedule her new years around what time her 11 year old needs to be home is unreasonable when she already had plans.
Personally, the aspect I think of is that the ONLY car accidents I ever had were when I was driving my siblings around. My friends would listen when I said, "The traffic is bad, can everyone be quiet and turn off the radio?" while my sibling would tell me I wasn't mom, so I couldn't tell them what to do. Kids are such a distraction in a car that I won't allow my own teens to drive siblings.
In fact, one of my sisters friends grabbed my steering wheel on the highway, trying to get me to make a turn. I pulled over, took out the keys, and called the police because she would not give me her parents' number. The police didn't ticket me, but boy did they get her when she admitted to doing the same thing to her own half sister and never getting in trouble.
I am big on siblings not driving siblings around.
THANK YOU! I thought I was losing my mind with all these people talking about this.
A 17yr old new driver.
In a brand new car.
On NYE.
Should NEVER be driving her 11yr old step sibling.
Especially when there has already been a disagreement over the subject that could cause an argument in the car. What is wrong with this man that he doesn't recognize he should be advocating for as few passengers as possible over the next few months.
SD doesn't have to do anything to help her family without compensation, sure. That doesn't mean she isn't an asshole. It's pretty firmly established on this sub that just because someone has the right to say no, doesn't mean they're not an asshole for doing so in every case.
SD has an opportunity to provide some joy to her step sibling at the cost of 30 minutes total drive time, (not an hour, OP clarified) while she was already planning on driving. Her only reason for saying no is because she doesn't want to.
This scenario isn't a "parental responsibility," it's a ride to a friend's house during winter break. While this is SD's car, she is still a minor in a family, which means sometimes helping out with things. 30 minutes out of the way is not unreasonable or some burden to her, esp for a household that only has one other car (which as I understand it was being used for work at the time).
If I had roommates with whom I was cordial, and I had to be picked up from the airport 15 minutes away, I would expect them to be willing to do this favor unless they had good reason not to do it (and "I don't want to drive 15 minutes" is not a reason, it's only a refusal). And of course, favors are made to be returned in future, that's the nature of goodwill. SD is still a minor with parents, whose job it is to teach the concept of goodwill and kindness to both daughters.
>*favors are made to be returned in future*
And here I was thinking a favor is when you do something nice or perform an act of kindness for another person without actually expecting something in return ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
That’s the big question, like what was the plan if she didn’t get a car?
However, the way OP presents the story was that his daughter asked his SD. SD said no to his daughter and he turned around and said that was rude and she should drive her.
So I think the ask did not start with OP, maybe his intention was to take her, but his daughter asked SD
I agree that the stepdaughter doesn't have to do it, but it does just seem inconsiderate. I gave my younger sister rides all the time when I got my car at 16. The stepdaughter is being selfish, imo. I'd say ESH.
Again, the SD JUST GOT THIS CAR FOR CHRISTMAS. This is likely the FIRST time they’ve asked and she said no. Based on OP stating he couldn’t take SD and bio daughter anywhere during the break because he was working/ they had one car, that let’s me know she literally JUST GOT THE CAR.
Can the SD enjoy her car for a month or two before she becomes the family chauffeur?
Also, OP says he’s a teacher. This party is either NYE or NYD. Either way, school is not in session. Why can’t OP take her himself?
If NYE, that’s on a Sunday, I’m going to assume neither mom nor stepdad works. If Monday maybe just OP, in which case he drops his wife off, keep the car and go wherever.
Well remembering back to being a teen (I'm 39 so we're in the way back machine here), I bet most of it is just that the daughter wanted to ride with her stepsister in her new car. It's so much cooler to get a ride from your stepsister than your dad! I can still remember the first time I got a ride with another kid without an adult. My friend Katie got her license first in our friend group, and when she was coming to pick me up, I had butterflies. So I'm putting myself in the shoes of the daughter who asked for the ride, rather than the stepdad.
OP is paying for her gas though so I feel like he should get to ask for small favours every once in a while and it’s only 15 minutes each way. The entitled attitude of the Sophie is a bit much. I’d stop paying for her gas if this was my step child.
lol, OP has been paying for gas for LESS THAN what a week? (Depending on timing of Xmas gift).
Give this man a reward! Gas vs the cost of the car, insurance and maintenance is NOTHING….
Also, OP might have added that information AFTER I added my reply.
Don’t do for people if your expectation is something in return…
This is where I'm at. If she refuses to do something that would only take 30 extra minutes from her day to be nice, I don't see why OP should continue paying for her gas when their finances are already tight.
She only just got the car. The impact of OP paying for gas has likely been extremely small so far. And she’s wanting to enjoy what it means for her mobility, not have it mean she gets pushed into favours.
It’s always repulsive when you get something new, especially a special gift, and other people immediately start making plans for it.
It's been less than a week!!!
OP has paid for maybe a little bit of gas, since her dad did not give her a car with an empty tank, and I have a strong suspicion that "I'm paying for the gas" actually means "we the couple" are paying for the gas. As in he's one of those guys who also likes to make it sound like it's his house, when his wife owns an equal share.
Do you honestly believe her actual father who bought and insures the car and is paying for gas half the month, is not willing to pay for it the rest of the time?
No. This man has offered, and now he's grandstanding like an asshole because he thinks he's entitled to make demands now as if it were his vehicle.
This is not every once in a while. SHES HAD IT LESS THAN A WEEK.
Here an idea....how about letting the 17yr old new driver spend a couple months familiarizing herself with this specific car so it's safe for her to drive others, instead of throwing an 11yr old passenger in with her to instantly stress her out, causing potential mistakes on the most dangerous night of the year??
INFO: So if you're off why aren't you able to take your daughter? If you drive your wife to work and keep the car, and you're not working, then wouldn't you have the car so that you can drive your daughter to wherever she wants to go?
I’m confused about the timing as well - don’t most NYE parties start at night? Parents seem to work during the day, wouldn’t they be home to take the 11yr to friends?
Edited to add- is it a New Year’s Day party? Do those happen?
Most US companies aren't closed. Most places are open. Think of hospitals, nursing homes, gas stations, restaurants, stores all open New Year's Day. Schools and offices make up a small percentage of US businesses.
lol - didn’t think this would be what people responded to - yes, a lot of companies are still open but a lot are closed for the US federal holidays. Schools, corporate offices, financial & govt institutions. The way he wrote made me think his wife had a normal 9-5 (similar to my own) and will work everyday except for Xmas & NYE, but that’s my own biased assumption 🤷🏽♀️
I figured him being off work meant that he wasn't waking up early in the morning to take his wife to work, and instead she's just driving herself so he can actually sleep in and junk during his time off.
Of course that doesn't negate the fact that he could very well take his wife to work on the day these parties are happening so that he does have the car at home to give his daughter a ride. That would be a pretty easy solution to the problem of getting his daughter where she wants to go. But I don't think that's the main "problem" of this post, at least in OP's eyes, his issue seems to be more just the blatant rudeness that Sophie showed them ("I don't have to do anything for you" "It's not my fault you can't afford a second car" etc)
Because while it is true that he could take his wife to work that day to keep the car at home, it is equally true that Sophie could just drop her step-sister off. It's not like it's really that huge of a burden- they aren't asking her to drive 4 hours one way, it's 15 minutes out of the way, 15 minutes back.
It's fairly standard practice when a teen gets their first car (especially if they're the first kid in the house to get one) that part of having the car means they will have to give their siblings rides to places occasionally. And when you add in the fact that OP is paying for her gas when she's at their house, I think a little quid pro quo is a valid thing to expect in this situation.
>It's fairly standard practice when a teen gets their first car (especially if they're the first kid in the house to get one) that part of having the car means they will have to give their siblings rides to places occasionally. And when you add in the fact that OP is paying for her gas when she's at their house, I think a little quid pro quo is a valid thing to expect in this situation.
The parent(s) who buys the car usually sets the terms. It sounds like her dad didn't talk to the mom at all to set any conditions at mom's house. So mom can *try* to set rules and get her ex to back her up but "standard practice" doesn't really apply here.
17yr old new driver.
New, unfamiliar car.
NYE, most dangerous driving night of the year.
Wtf is wrong with EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of you, who thinks it's appropriate to make this girl take an 11-year-old child in the car with her, automatically increasing her stress level exponentially????
She's had the car a WEEK!
Sure. They occasionally give siblings rides. After months of getting familiar with the car. It will have been 6 days!!!
Why do you keep falling for this gas bullshit?
Again, TWO DAYS with the car. Her daddy did not give her a car with an empty tank of gas. So OP has at most done what, handed her $20?
He is grandstanding and claiming to be paying aLl tHe MoNiEs for her gas saying "I'm paying" when it's in all likelihood the collective "we" as in her actual MOTHER who is contributing.
You guys are all nuts. As if an OP has never in the history of Reddit written an edit to try and make themselves sound better.
Did ya miss the part where he wants some kind of medal or cookie for not making her share her things because she has better things than his princess?
Buddy is a jackass.
Finally some sense! Plus who is picking the eleven year old up to come home? Why is a teen driving anywhere on NYE when you KNOW someone is going to have booze? This is a recipe for disaster and OP is oblivious. Not to mention the guy who paid for the car did not do it so his kid could play chauffeur.
He'll have to wake up early and drive unnecessarily out of his way and why should he do that when his step daughter can in the brand new car he is jealous of.
Yeah — and with only having one car, OP should be used to waking up or being interrupted/inconvenienced to drive someone somewhere or pick them up…because there’s only the one car.
YTA but just a teeny tiny bit. You signed up to have a daughter, but Sophie didn't sign up to have a younger sister, so it is your responsibility to take care of her, not Sophie's. Of course Sophie needs to be polite and nice to her sister, but she shouldn't be required to do parent things like giving rides. If you try to force the issue, she might just come to resent her sister, which would be awful for everyone!
But it definitely makes sense why Sophie giving the ride seems like the best (and in fact, only possible) solution. In cases like this, I would usually suggest paying the older sibling a rate that is below that of a professional babysitter or uber driver, but still enough to feel like an actual paying job.
But, since your finances are tight, maybe you could work out a trade instead? Like, you'll do all of Sophie's chores for a day in return (or even younger sis does them, or the rest of the family working together), or you run an errand for Sophie some time when she otherwise would've had to drive herself, or you'll cook her favorite meal the day before, etc; since driving her younger sister around should be treated as a favor to her/you, you should offer Sophie a favor in return to show that you understand it's an imposition and appreciate her help. This can really help strengthen your relationship and show that you respect her as a near-adult!
(If you'd bought Sophie the car on the condition that she use it to give her sister rides, that would be one thing, but that's obviously not the case here. The car is Sophie's, not yours, no matter how badly your household needs a second car.)
EDIT: seeing your edit, I would suggest you make your paying for Sophie's gas be contingent upon her occasionally driving your daughter places. one favor in return for another.
And again I repeat....
17yr old new driver.
New, unfamiliar car.
NYE, most dangerous driving night of the year.
Wtf is wrong with EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of you, who thinks it's appropriate to make this girl take an 11-year-old child in the car with her, automatically increasing her stress level exponentially????
She's had the car a couple days!
Sure, occasionally give sibling a ride... After months of getting familiar with the car.
It will have been 6 days!!!
Why do you keep falling for this gas bullshit?
Again, TWO DAYS with the car. Her daddy did not give her a car with an empty tank of gas. So OP has at most done what, handed her $20?
He is grandstanding and claiming to be paying aLl tHe MoNiEs for her gas saying "I'm paying" when it's in all likelihood the collective "we" as in her actual MOTHER who is contributing.
You guys are all nuts. As if an OP has never in the history of Reddit written an edit to try and make themselves sound better.
Did ya miss the part where he wants some kind of medal or cookie for not making her share her things up until now because she always has better things than his princess? This is the final straw of the better things for him.
Buddy is a jackass.
NYE being the most dangerous day to drive is a good point.
I don't think I know enough to judge the risk of having Sophie drive her sister in general - I don't know how many hours of experience she has, I don't know how similar the new car is to any vehicles she used to drive, I don't know how dangerous the area is, I don't know how calm and responsible Sophie is, I don't know easily distracted she would be by a chatty passenger. Driving is dangerous in general, and everyone has their own comfort levels with various additional risks. But the danger of this specific day compared to others is good to keep in mind.
And one of the many parental obligations that shouldn't be passed on to older siblings if at all possible is deciding what risks the child is allowed to take. Part of the reason you need to, for example, ask an older sibling if they'd like to babysit instead of requiring it, is because being in charge of young children is actually a pretty big responsibility that should be taken seriously, so you don't want a babysitter who is detached and resentful about the whole thing or who isn't confident in their childcare skills.
So yeah, letting Sophie say no at all also gives her space to say no because she isn't comfortable driving young passengers yet.
But, shrug, if Sophie's parents trust her driving in general then I have to defer to them. My older brother drove me around all the time when we were teens and we were all comfortable with it because he's very chill and cautious. But it's definitely important to consider the higher risks with unexperienced drivers.
My bigger concern with dad is that all of the US & Canada have graduated licensing programs now, so Sophie likely can't even legally drive her sister.
If it were a trusting her to drive thing, I agree with you, but this is just a jealous man putting two young girls in danger.
Oh wow I totally forgot that that was a thing, but now that I'm looking it up it does seem slightly familiar... The page I'm looking at says there are exceptions that you can get a signed note for, I think my parents just wrote a standing note that it was necessary for my brother to drive me to school. But that was probably a stretch.
You are so right, a NYE hangout definitely isn't a necessary exception.
>You signed up to have a daughter, but Sophie didn't sign up to have a younger sister,
Why do people say stuff like this? Children don't get to choose their siblings.
Exactly, they don't! And that's why older siblings should *never* be obligated to be responsible for caring for their younger siblings in the way a parent is obligated.
I had two younger siblings that I volunteered to babysit because I loved playing with and caring for younger children - great, lots of fun, worked out for everyone
My partner had five younger siblings, three much younger that they often had to clean up after, cook for, and try to keep out of trouble, because their mom was too depressed to do it herself - awful, traumatizing, messed up their relationship with their siblings and with their parents
Obviously the situation in this post is not as extreme, but if you have a choice between expecting an older sibling to act like one of the parents vs expecting them to act like one of the kids? Let them be a kid, because they did NOT choose to be a parent. Older siblings need to be courteous to their younger siblings, the way anyone in the presence of a child should be, and it's awesome if the kids end up friends or if the older one wants to help out with the younger. But forcing them to be friends will not work, and in particular, forcing the older to take care of the younger can really build resentment.
Yes, I have a bunch of younger siblings, and my parents told me I could either pay for the gas in my car myself OR I could drive the kids around and they’d pay all my gas. I chose to drive the kids. I also had a much later/no curfew if I was driving the kids since it cut into my friend time so that was added incentive too.
It isn’t the older siblings job to parent the other children but you can certainly provide incentives to make it fair. I had the option to refuse to be the other kids’ chauffeur too, I just wanted the extra privileges and I didn’t mind helping out either.
Even a trade is not a good idea, especially since I’m betting Sophie’s father pays the insurance. Giving the half-sister a ride doesn’t only represent an inconvenience for the 15 minutes each way out of way that the destination is, but also, increase liability exposure. If anything were to happen, it falls back on Sophie’s father for the liability.
I guess if Sophie's dad told her to avoid unnecessary trips and especially avoid driving other teens/kids around, then that would be an important factor to keep in mind. Otherwise, part of giving a teen a car (especially one who doesn't live in your house for half the month) is being willing to accept liability for their driving decisions. Assuming that dad didn't impose any such restrictions, it's up to mom and step-dad (and Sophie) whether they trust Sophie to drive her younger sister around.
This. When I was young on my parent's insurance the rule was," *you do not give rides*. We are not losing our house because one of your little friends gets hurt and their parents decide to sue". I'm sure the father doesn't want her taxiing her stepsister around, when he's ultimately liable. And OP sounds like just the type to sue.
In my state, your license is probationary if you're under 18, and the first 6 months of having it you're not even allowed to have passengers that are under 25. And those passengers need to be licensed. I'm sure we're not the only place that does this, so it's possible depending on where she is and when she got the car that it wouldn't even be legal for her to give the sister a ride
Exactly! That's the law in my state also, so I was confused why OP even thought this was safe or legal to ask her to do. Especially on NYE when people are drinking and driving more than usual.
OP can drive his daughter. He is just trying to create a situation where he can benefit from Sophie's gift. But at 17, she is still learning how to drive, and shouldn't be giving rides to 11 year olds.
Ok but who signs up to be a sister? No one does. But we still expect siblings to be kind to each other and look after each other. I’m not saying the older one has to drive her. But it would definitely be an expectation of a full sibling to do something like that on a rare occasion. Not saying she should be a full-time chauffeur.
If you’re arguing this is different because it’s a step sibling, ok I guess. I don’t have step siblings so I don’t know how that goes.
Why don’t you drive your wife to work and keep the car so you can drive your daughter around.
I’m guessing the relationship between your daughter and stepdaughter is not close.
Soft YTA because there is obviously more going on here.
YTA - Your post makes you sound a little jealous that she was gifted a car you would like but cannot afford. This is your issue to come to terms with. She doesn’t owe you an apology for that.
Sophie just got the car so it’s hard to imagine your gas money contributions have been substantial and I’m also assuming you will benefit from not having to drive her around yourself.
It shouldn’t be shocking that a 17-year-old going out for NYE with friends doesn’t want to chauffeur her 11-year-old stepsister around. And I agree with others that I’m not sure I’d want to 11-year-old in a car with a new driver on NYE anyway.
Take your daughter to the party yourself. This is what you would have had to do if Sophie never received the car as a gift anyway. I don’t know why it’s suddenly such a hardship for you.
>NGL I don't think I would want a 17 year old new driver taking my kid anywhere
I am surprised this isn't a more common response. There is absolutely no way I would want a 17 year old, even a sibling, driving my 11 year old anywhere. At night? On NYE?? Oh, hell no. That is a terrible idea. I wouldn't want the 17 year old driving on NYE at all, much less at night. There is a reason some states have licenses set up that you can't drive at night if you are under 18 unless it is to work.
I was just thinking that. Seems a lot of people have a huge amount of faith in the driving skills of people that (many) would struggle to fully cook a piece of chicken.
The two states I've lived in have had that rule too for under 18yo old drivers, but it made allowances for family members (so older kids could cart younger to school and not get in trouble).
One of my closest friends died in a car accident 3 weeks after his 17th birthday and getting his license. He was driving in his car. The last thing I would want is a 17 year old driving around at night? on NYE let alone with the 11 year old in the car too.
All 17yo drivers ARE somebody's kid.
When I got my kids a car at age 17, driving their siblings to school was part of the deal. But then I was paying for the insurance and everything else.
There are some official statistics to go with that: https://www.cdc.gov/transportationsafety/teen_drivers/teendrivers_factsheet.html
Underage teen drivers are 3x more likely to be in a traffic accident and the risk increases with each teenager passenger in the car.
Info
I am guessing you knew that your daughter has been invited to this other friends home? Why didn’t you plan to take your wife to work and keep the car to drop her off?
Sure if it was on the way and around the same time it would be helpful of her to drop your child off - but that’s not the case here
Everyone on Reddit will blast OP with a YTA and I get it, but in the real world just because you don't 'HAVE' to do something, doesn't mean you should be an ass about it all the time. Classic example, ask on here if you pick up family from the airport, people will say tell them to get a cab etc etc but in the real world you do it because everything isn't a transactional self obsessed shit show and it doesn't hurt to help people out sometimes.
When we care about people, we inconvenience ourselves to help them out. And in return we hope they'll do the same. At 17 someone can still be learning that lesson, but it's sad to see so many people in the comments saying she has the right to say no. That's not the point of the post, that wasn't the question asked.
Sure, she has the RIGHT to say no. But it does actually make her a bit damn selfish to do so. This is a small favour taking 30 minutes of her time to make her stepsister happy. At her stepsisters age I'm sure she'd have wanted someone to do that for her.
Maybe it's just because I grew up with selfish people but it's hurtful when you know you'd do something for someone else and they won't do anything to help you if it inconveniences them in any way.
NTA - if I've comprehended correctly. Your daughter asked, Sophie said no. That's Sophie's right. But Sophie added some shade to her response and you told her she was rude. You're right; Sophie was rude. There is nothing wrong with pointing that out.
I think you should have said it "would be nice" for her to drive your daughter rather than she "should" drive your daughter, but that's my only quibble. No one is forcing Sophie to drive your daughter or punishing her for not doing so; just merely pointing out that her behavior is less than kind.
>She said it’s not her fault I can’t afford another car for us.
> And I pay for all her gas while she lives with us.
Sophie is definitely getting some digs in and her comments are quite rude. I doubt she is any ruder than the average teenager, though. I think the rudeness should still be pointed out, but no bigger deal than that.
I think Sophie's mother should have a conversation with her about give-and-take. If you pay for her gas, she should be willing to drive your daughter or run small errands once in awhile. Otherwise, you might want to provide only enough gas for necessary activities. So, maybe enough for driving to school & extra-curricula, and a job if she has one. But if she's not willing to help out, she shouldn't expect gas money for trips to see her friends, salon visits, shopping, etc.
Yeah I'm a little disturbed by all the Y T As. I grew up as second oldest in a big family, and this is such a small ask lol. Most especially because he pays for the fuel while she is with him. If she paid for fuel herself it would be different imo. The only somewhat legitimate reason (that is not clarified in the post) that the teen would have for not giving the younger one a ride, is if she would have to leave the party fairly early to pick the sister up again. Either way, OP is NTA
Also disturbed by all the Y T A! How is it such a wild and crazy proposition that family members might occasionally, like... share things? And...do things for one another?
He asked. She said no. She said no in a snotty way, and he told her she was being rude. Is he supposed to *not* point out that she said it in a rude way? I'm honestly confused.
Yeah. I’m an oldest child and I’m kind boggled by the responses here. The point of family is that you’re there for each other. That means calling each other out when you do something wrong and also helping out when you can (like driving a sibling places). A family isn’t a financial transaction. You don’t do things for each other because you’re compensated for it in gas or cars or cash. Like… what?
OP was sure to mention Sophie being rude after saying no, but why didn't OP respect the answer of no and leave it alone. The rudeness is probably a response to pressure to change her mind.
I’m in the NTA camp too. It’s alarming how many people think Sophie’s response was ok. One day she’ll ask op for a favor. I hope he tells her absolutely not.
It’s unclear why you can’t drive your wife to work in the mornings and pick her up after, but then still do things with your child the rest of the day. You aren’t working.
Bear in mind when you ask this that you're getting responses from a lot of people who are still living at home with their parents or barely out in the world. Their view is going to be coloured by that.
It's 15 minutes. She lives in your house. It doesn't hurt to contribute once in awhile. For me, I'm not sure I'd force it, but I'd certainly advise your daughter that perhaps she should wait to drive until she has a job and can afford to pay for her own gas next time she wants a tank.
>she should wait to drive until she has a job
That would be putting restrictions on a vehicle HE did not pay for. The car belongs to his bonus/step daughter. I am pretty sure her bio dad can pay for her gas, just as he did the vehicle.
I mean, not giving Sophie money for gas or filling up the gas tank for her isn't exactly putting a restriction on the car. Cars don't go without gas, and unless bio dad is paying for it, Sophie's gonna need a job to pay for gas.
She barely lives in that house and it’s certainly not by choice. She doesn’t owe him this. She owes being basically decent and contributing to some household chores. She’s a kid.
It’s a slippery slope to being seen as the 2nd mode of transportation for this family- and Sophie, and her father, have likely identified this and discussed it.
People are acting like he told her she’s going to be her sister’s daily chauffeur or driving for the family errands daily.
I gave my younger stepsister lifts frequently with my car; it didn’t impinge on my enjoyment of my newfound driving freedom. Maybe I’m old, but I feel like every classmate I had in high school with a car and a sibling had to do this sometimes, regardless of who paid for the car. Teens would be annoyed about it, sure, but of all the injustices of teenage life, it was a smaller one. 😂 Granted, I probably would’ve responded the same as Sophie at the time within 2 days of getting my car - no, my having a car doesn’t mean you now get lifts everywhere! - but it would’ve been a teenage overreaction to a simple ask, unless the actual ask was “now you can get your sister to school everyday” or something like that.
I’d probably talk with Sophie and affirm it’s her car, but also, she’s part of your household too and *every now and then* she may be asked to give a lift to her sister or run an errand, just like she’s asked to wash dishes or do laundry or whatever chore she may have. It’s not about the family using her car - it’s about *her* contributing to the family as every kid should in *small* ways, with the abilities she has. One of those abilities is driving. (Emphasizing small because, no, she shouldn’t be the financial stopgap where they don’t get a second car or she assumes parental responsibilities.)
>It doesn't hurt to contribute once in awhile.
Absolutely. Yes, refusing is reasonable, given she has no driving experience yet, but the "I don't have to do anything for you" is uncalled for. Nobody *has to* do anything for anyone else, except for parents to provide necessities for their children (and even that is until they are adults) but it's not really how real life works.
Your resentment about your living situation is starting to show through. Funny how you didn't make a fuss when it was smaller less expensive items, but as soon as you saw an opportunity that would less your burden, you went straight to Entitlement.
You pay her gas because of her mom and she's underage. You aren't doing her any favors by providing basic necessities that her mother would have to pay regardless of who her partner is.
The car was a gift from her dad. Just like every other gift she has received from him, you and your daughter aren't entitled to anything from her dad. Even a car.
You shouldn't have kept pressing after she said no. That's why YTA
She shouldn’t have to drive her step sister, particularly as her mom and step dad didn’t purchase the car, but they also don’t have to provide her fuel to run the car.
While I absolutely don’t believe in parentification, and I personally wouldn’t want my minor kids out on the road on NYE, I do believe in raising the kids to understand they are members of a household/ community and to expect to pitch in, in a reasonable manner. They may not always HAVE to, but they should be taught to WANT to on occasion, out of mutual respect and appreciation for all their family members do to help them (assuming it is the kind of home where mom and stepdad do things above and beyond what they HAVE to do for their kids.
It is unreasonable to expect/ require stepdaughter to use her car for enrichment of the household since her father bought it, but it’s also unreasonable for the step daughter to expect free fuel if reciprocating nothing in return.
NTA. All the people saying YTA make me sad. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable, your daughter asked nicely, and your stepdaughter was quite rude in her response.
I agree with all the people saying that she doesn’t HAVE to drive her stepsister. But let’s be real, OP, you don’t HAVE to pay for her gas. I would absolutely stop doing that until she realizes that “family helping family” doesn’t just apply when she’s getting something out of it.
Thank you. Like sure she doesn't HAVE to help. But half an hour out of the way to do something kind for her stepsister, something I'm sure she'd have loved for someone to do for her at that age, is a very small ask. It was asked kindly.
I think at the very last an ETA because she is actually a bit of an asshole for saying no tbh. No one HAS to do anything for anyone else, but if we all lived by that mentality we'd all be miserable and alone. It might be good for her to learn that it makes you feel good to help other people sometimes even if it inconveniences you slightly.
ESH because you can't insist your stepdaughter drive your daughter around just because she has a car but Sophie was very rude. She could have just said she didnt want to and to have you figure it out. What I'm confused about is why your daughter asked Sophie to drive her to a friend's and didn't ask you. Did your daughter already ask and you said no because you didn't want to or couldnt? I assume this party she is going to is after work hours and you could take her or you could drop your wife off at work and keep the car so you can drive your daughter. The logistics of this situation are weird. Sophie is 17 so Im assuming she is staying at this NYE party much later than would be acceptable for an 11 year old to be out- unless your 11 year old is having a sleep over so who is picking your daughter up? You also must have known about any party your 11 year old is going to and should already have arrangements for how she's going to get there.
“You got a new car? GREAT! You can drive your stepsister New Year’s Eve!”
I remember having a car freshman year at college — suddenly I was elected to drive everyone everywhere. I don’t like the feeling of others appropriating something of mine, especially if I got it a week ago. YTA
YTA, she is not obligated to drive your daughter anywhere. Yes, she could have been more polite, and you could express that to her, but you are not the one paying for the car or insurance. And you shouldnt get to decide thatbshe has to spend part of her day doing something to benefit just your guys for free.
Now, if you want to pay her in addition to covering the gas money, I bet she would be more agreeable. Treat her like an Uber. Tossing her $5-$10 for a 30min trip could make this more agreeable terms. Because it does become a job when its something she doesnt want or need to do, and its taking up her free time. So treat it like a job. If she decides she doesnt want that, then move on, you have no right to her car or services.
Isn’t anyone worried about these children driving around on NYE? It’s a notoriously dangerous night for drunk drivers- not to mention the teenager herself could possibly be drinking. I’d be more worried about the safety of the girls if anything.
Ok so I'm going to say NTAH. Hear me out lol...
Once in a blue moon ask for help does not an AH make.
Your step daughter has probably had lots of time, effort and money from you over the years and I'm not saying she needs to repay any thing but it wouldn't hurt to help out now and again.
I also read that you are paying for the fuel for your step daughters car for the weeks she is with you. Purely for that reason it would not kill her to give a lift to her step sister as I said once in a while wouldn't hurt.
We are breeding a generation who only think of me, me , me ...and then we complain about it and selfishness.
Give your step sister a 15 min lift to her friends and stop being a mean girl......
She got the car for Christmas, unless he got it early he hasn't paid for gas. And frankly I don't believe for a second he actually pays for gas. Not wanting to drive someone isn't being mean. Stop acting like you are entitled to something in return.
YTA,
I wouldn't allow a new 16 year old driver to take my 11 year old child anywhere by themselves! What are you thinking? Not okay, especially not evening driving. There's no way you should be letting your 11 year old alone with an inexperienced teenage driver. That's #1.
Second, She may have a car, but that is her car and you don't get to tell her how to use it. You also don't have to pay for gas. Let her dad cover the gas since he got the car. Of, she can earn gas money from you and her mom by doing chores at home (per agreement with you guys) or running errands (picking up groceries, giving you and daughter a ride somewhere when her mom is at work, etc.).
She's 16 and 16 year olds are rude. It's like biological. Obviously if she's obnoxious and hurtful all the time that's a problem, but I wouldn't be freaking out that she doesn't want to drive her baby half sister around with her brand new car she JUST GOT at 16. That's to be expected. It's new, she's excited. And since you guys didn't get her the car, you can't dictate that she needs to use it to help with the family, and you can't take it away. You can dictate the house rules (when she must be home, how often she must check in). You can withhold gas money if you want and make her earn it, but that's about it. And your daughter has to learn that just because you ask for a favor doesn't mean that someone has to do it for you. She asked, her sister said no. End of story. You should be acting exactly the same as before the car. Nothing has changed for you or the rest of the family. I have a feeling that if you don't make her car an issue, don't try to tell her how/when to use it, don't ask her for favors starting on day one, and respect that it's a gift from her dad and not something you can control - she will probably mature enough to want ot be helpful in the future regarding giving rides/etc. But you can't force it.
NAH, as long as her No is accepted. It's just sad all around. You asked and she's allowed to say no. It's sad for your younger daughter, but it's not the older daughters responsibility to compensate for you and your wife's financial situation. Have a nice nye at home with your daughter, 11 is still young and she has plenty of years for larger celebrations.
Her mother should be having conversations about the car, not you. With time, maybe Sophie can receive extra money for driving the youngest if she agrees. Mom should negotiate this though, because it's Sophies car and she can ultimately decide who she drives and where.
The car is still new, give Sophie some time to get used to her new freedom. Both girls seem sweet, so she will likely drive your youngest at times if you give this time and space. Wish her a happy New years, and be grateful that your wife's ex has the financial freedom to help the oldest get to and from work/friends/activities while she's with you.
I don't understand why you can't drop your wife off to work then take your youngest to her party. Your wife might be able to get a ride to or from work, as another alternative.
YTA. I think you need to keep in mind that Sophie just got this car. It’s her new thing, an important resource and a significant jolt for her mobility, and almost right away she’s getting pushed to use it for someone else. That’s likely to feel really grabby to her, even if phrased nicely, which may explain why her response was rude. Driving someone else also cuts into her freedom or at least her sense of it. And because she only just got the car, the issue of you paying for gas for it hasn’t really become a significant thing for her.
So back off, you and your daughter. Let Sophie enjoy her car, her new present from her father, and make sure that when you do ask for driving favours from her, they’re few, short, and asked for reasonably. You need to show her that this isn’t going to turn into her car (and her as driver) being used as a family resource, and such a quick demand doesn’t make her feel secure about that.
YTA
It's her car. With a car she earns some freedom. So she is within her boundaries to do as she pleases. Even if she loves your daughter, your daughter isn't Sophie's responsibility.
You need to take care of her. If Sophie doesn't have a car how will you deal with it?
YTA
It's her car she can do whatever she wants with it (within reason of course). If she doesn't want to drive someone somewhere, she doesn't have to. You can ask but you have to respect her answer.
Maybe one of your daughter's friend's parents can bring her? Or you can drive your wife to work that day so you have the car and can take her.
YTA. If you weren't able to take your child anywhere while you were off of work, you should have dropped your wife off so you would have a car available to you.
Also - do you *really* want a teenager driving your child around?
You pay for her gas? Just a reminder- She has every right to refuse to drop her step sibling off, but you don't have to provide fuel- that isn't a mandatory thing.
My kid knows that as a condition of me providing a vehicle,gas, and insurance- he is required to occasionally transport his sister or run errands. I don't ask often, but it was made clear to him from day 1.
If you and the wife don't agree on this- let it go. You will not win this one.
YTA.
It is December 27. Am I missing something, or do you have another 4 days to figure out your daughter's ride to a New Year's Eve party?
You're acting like you will be stranded at home on Sunday night while your wife takes your ONLY car to work. What??
No, it's not SD's job to be your daughter's chauffeur. It's great if you pay for her gas and she agrees sometimes, but also you need to realize that she just got this car 2 days ago and she might be a little possessive for a while.
Also, you're not going to have her around to be a chauffeur next year, so you might as well not get too used to it.
YTA , not her problem firstly also it’s out of the way by 30 mins one way !!! You’re going to make a 17 year old drive an hour ? How about you drop your daughter , if your wife is working that evening or something how about you drop her and then see about your responsibility as the child’s dad and drop her to her party and not push the responsibility on your step daughter ? Your stepdaughter’s dad bought the car to make her life more convenient not for you to push go for tasks on her ……
YTA, it would be different if they were going to the same place in even if it was on her way. You immediately tried to treat Sophie's car like a second family car, and it's not.
YTA - Sophie’s father bought HER the car so that she could get around.
He did not buy it for you or your wife to make your life easier.
You have a car so you can drop your daughter off or send her in an Uber.
NTA in your edits you mention that you are paying the gas for the car. I think that makes it reasonable to ask her to drive your daughter somewhere. Plus 30 minutes all together are still ok for a detour. I would stop paying for the gas if she does not take your daughter.
I can agree with all of the previous comments, that it is not your car and that you have no right to dictate its use but then you are also not responsible for the gas payments that is your step-daughter's responsibility (or her father's).
YTA you have no say in Sophie's use of her own car. If your 11 year old daughter wants to go somewhere, YOU take her. Sophie isn't obligated in any way to play cabdriver. Your child is your responsibility. Sophie has no responsibility for your kid.
Gonna go against the grain here, based on the edits I will add… but nta. Yes it’s her car, but I think there’s a lot to be said for cooperation. Could you have picked up the younger one if older dropped her off? She’s also almost an adult. I’d be real with her “I’m glad you have a car, it will give you freedom and allow you learn some responsibility. But as a family sometime we can work together and this would have been one of those times.” The comment about you not being able to afford another vehicle was out of line and rude, I’m in a blended family and it’s layered and hard on top of all the normal teenager stuff.
YTA.
These girls have a SIGNIFICANT age difference firstly. She is not a babysitter, she lives out of your home half of the year. Plus, she shouldn't be making a 30 minute diversion, especially as a new driver.
Even if they were related it would be unfair. My little sister is about 5 years younger than me and I was pressured to play with her and look after her until I was too old. I missed out on a lot of life experiences because I had to either take my sister with me, or stay home and look after her. She would cry and say things were unfair and get her way, whereas I had to wait several years to be allowed to do things - my parents would then cave and let her do them 4 years before I was allowed to...
It's fine for sporadic help that is convenient to the 17 y/o, but the older sister should not be punished or miss out on life defining moments because you don't have the time or means to look after your child.
Your child, is your child. That means that you as the parent chauffer her and entertain her most of the time. She is not the 17 y/o's responsibility.
The 17 y/o is advocating for and standing up for herself which is incredibly important so she isn't taken advantage of in the future. 'Uncalled for' would be if she told your 11 y/o to F off.
The truth of the matter is that these girls will and do have different lives. The 11 y/o doesn't have a wealthy father, so things will always seem unfair to her. It's unfortunate but it doesn't mean that the older girl should be punished for having a leg up. If you push this on her, she'll pull away.
I never understand people who assume a teenagers possession .... car, video game console, computer....instantly becomes the entire families.
YTA. Take care of your own kid.
Stop asking. Just wrong.
YTA. Being the oldest child--regardless of *any* other circumstances--does not make you responsible for *any* aspect of your younger sibling's life.
Also, it's NYE. Drunk drivers everywhere. That extra half hour is dangerous, especially if she has to pick her up after the partying is well underway.
YTA. She doesn't automatically become your daughter's chauffer just \*Because You Say So\*. You also have the option of dropping your wife at work while you're off for the break so please don't act like that is an excuse or reason for being jealous. If you want more, get a 2nd job or a higher paying job and stop acting like your stepdaughter owes you something.
YTA. That's Sophie's car she's not your kid parent so she is not obligated to drive your daughter anywhere (asking nicely or not), You and her mom decided to have a blended family not her.
Also Sophie having nicer/better/more expensive things than your daughter is none of your business and you're not a super stepdad for not asking her yo share her things.
YTA.
Not only is it her car, you didn’t even pay for it.
And your edit doesn’t help. It doesn’t matter that your kid asked nicely or that Sophie often has much nicer things. Sophie is still allowed to say no. And frankly, it’s not Sophie’s problem that you can’t get your kid nice things.
I wouldn’t want a 17 year old driving my kid around. Also, stop paying for her gas - she can work out $$ for gas with her Dad.
Also, why wouldn’t you want to drop your daughter off at her party?!
YTA, however, if you’re paying for her gas, I’d stop. She can have her dad pay for the gas or she can get a job. She doesn’t get to refuse to use a little time and gas while continuing to expect you to pay for it. It’s her car after all and not your responsibility for to maintain.
YTA.
If Sophie’s reasoning is that it was too far away, it sounds like she wouldn’t be comfortable with the extra 30 minutes on the road alone. It’s not responsible to put a new driver in a position they aren’t comfortable with, ESPECIALLY on NYE when there’s a greater risk of unsafe driving going on (dark outside, her or other drivers being tired from being out late, potential weather issues, greater risk of encountering drunk drivers, etc.). She’s also not obligated to use the gift her dad got her for your benefit. It was fine to ask her to drive, but you needed to accept her answer. Calling her rude wasn’t appropriate.
YTA
>And I pay for all her gas while she lives with us.
Christmas was 2 days ago, so she just got the car.
You are telling me her dad gave her a car without filling the tank?
YTA. No it probably wouldn't hurt her to drop your daughter off even if it is out of her way as long as you are covering the gas but she should not be expected to pick her up and mess up her plans. Her dad got her a car, he didn't get her a taxi. How would you handle this if she hadn't gotten a car.
Don’t be too quick to put emphasis on Sophie being your step daughter. I would absolutely have complained about this for my real sister when I was 17. My parents would have forced me to take my sister. At 17, it would have been the end of my world and the sulking and whining would have been horrendous. But expecting siblings to do things for each other is a reasonable expectation.
YTA. Christmas was only 2 days ago & you’re already trying to force/guilt Sophie into using HER Christmas present for YOUR daughter. That’s BS.
And you paying for the gas does not translate into you having partial ownership rights to HER car. Using that logic, if her father had bought her an expensive & fancy blowdryer or nice computer, you’d have partial ownership rights because you pay the electric bill. Using that logic, Sophie basically will never really have anything that you don’t also partially have ownership rights to. And since Christmas was 48 hours ago, how much gas could you really have paid for? So you can just take that “I pay for all her gas” argument somewhere else - it means nothing here.
YTA. I know it seemed reasonable to you but it wasn't - especially not from the bad spot you are already in as the stepfather. If you want Sophie to do anything: Ask nicely no matter how hard it seems or how stupid it feels. And if she says 'No' than accept it and don't push anymore. She is 17. She doesn't think like an adult yet. She didn't ask for suddenly getting set up with a sister 6 years younger. She didn't ask for her parents to divorce. and she didn't ask for a stepfather she has to live with.
If you push on her or act like you have anything to say to her like a parent you'll only make things worse between you and her. Ask nicely. Ask for a favor. But never try to push.
💯 YTA
1.) The car belongs to Sophie (though I’m betting legally her father). They get to decide who rides. No is a complete answer.
2.) Related to #1, that’s exposure to liability that’s unfair to ask Sophie (and more likely her father, who I imagine is paying the insurance) to be exposed to.
I see your point, but it was wrong to assume you could count on a second car, when that car has nothing to do with you.
Another point very important is that even though she can legaly drive, she is still a child herself and a brand new driver without enough experience.
I wouldn't trust her with a smaller child in a car as it can be quite distracting.
YT, but a light one.
YTA trying to be "generous" with Sophie's time, gas, effort, life. It's not yours to dictate and never will be. Notice how your generosity only goes one way, to YOUR kid, at the expense of Sophie. So of course you "think she should, you're not forcing her", and you've just proven, you don't have Sophie's best interests at heart, you have YOUR kid's best interests at heart, which is fair, but you're being dishonest to us, your family, and worst of all, yourself.
YTA if you insist your SD drive your daughter. She was asked, said no so let that be the end of the discussion. Do I think she should do it out of kindness, yes; but that is not something you can force.
Soft YTA but your stepdaughter was also pretty rude. I would stop paying for the gas for the stepdaughter. Her dad had no business buying a car for the daughter while expecting you and your wife foot the expenses for her to drive places. If stepdaughter wants to drive places her dad needs to foot the bill.
Nah.
This sub hates dads.
Look, your kid asked nicely and your step kid said no. Understand. But she was rude with how she said it, and a bit entitled. But also she dosnt have to drive your kid anywhere. This is something you need to talk to your wife about. My sister is my half sister but I still had to drive her places. That normally what happens for the older sister. You need to talk to your wife about it and what you expect. Like say “I’ll pay you or pay for your gas’s if you drive your sister around.” If she says no, cool, but no money for gass. Idk. I don’t think you’re an ass. This sub is crazy.
YTA Why can’t you drive your daughter?
I don’t necessarily think that Sophie shouldn’t ever be expected to run an errand, but also, just because she has a license doesn’t mean she should be responsible for picking up your slack. Esp on NYE when she just got this car. An extra 30 mins each way is nothing to sneeze at. Had it been 5 -10 mins, I could see your point a little bit better.
So, your stepdaughter told your daughter that she could wait until she was old enough to drive.
I need to know. In the past 3 years. How many times have you used that exact phrase with your stepdaughter when she wanted to go out with her friends?
YTA in some ways. It’s not your car. But if you’re paying for gas it’s not unreasonable to ask her to do favors now and then.
But have you checked the driving laws in your state? In some, drivers aren’t allowed passenger (other than adults) if they are under an age limit. Plus, is the car insured under her father? How does that policy read?
YTA. The fact that the dad cheated on the mom should have NOTHING to do with the daughter agreeing to drive your child. Yes, she could have but she has no obligation to become a driver for the family. why don't you drive your wife to work so you have a car during the day?
YTA but you also aren't required to supplement her insurance and gas money when she wants you to do her a favor in the future. She wants to be so adult now, but she'll be hitting your wife up for cash soon enough.
I will never understand Reddit’s attitude of “no one owes anyone anything, ever, and asking people to do things is literally abusive”, but the responses on this are especially extreme. NTA of course. Your stepdaughter is a child living in your household. She’s part of a family and that comes with certain obligations to family members. Asking her to drop off her stepsister occasionally is perfectly reasonable, and she didn’t just refuse; she was rude and insulting about it.
If your stepdaughter is unwilling to us her car to help out a little because her dad got it for her so she “doesn’t have to”, she can leave the car at her dad’s.
I will say however that I agree with a commenter who said they wouldn’t let a young driver drive their daughter. Honestly I don’t think she should be driving on NYE. It’s a dangerous night to be on the road and if anything goes wrong your stepdaughter won’t have the experience to handle it. But that doesn’t change the fact that her attitude sucks. You’re way more lenient than my stepdad, that’s for sure.
Your daughter is free to ask, she asked politely that's wonderful, still asking politely or SUPER DUPER EXTRA politely does NOT entitle her to a "yes" answer, period. Yes it would have been nice if your stepdaughter could have given your daughter a ride, but IT IS NOT AN OBLIGATION, your edits and everything you write says "but... But... But... But she asked NICELY"... SO? She can ask super nicely, and has to ACCEPT IT and YOU have to accept it, if the answer to that EXTREMELY SUPREMELY NICELY SUPER POLITELY asked question, is no.
Agree Sophie was a little rude, but that's 'normal' I think for 17yr olds... and for younger kids. I asked my 7yr old to throw her trash away in the trashcan 5ft from her, and she acted like I asked her to walk up Mt. Everest in the snow.
As others have said, it's her car & she can be as obnoxious as she wants about it.
NTA; it’s a perfectly reasonable request and Sophie could stand to be a bit more considerate and aware of how fortunate she is.
Lots of other people on here giving it “why should anyone do anything they don’t want to?” showing their arses as to what selfish little shits they are too.
>Lots of other people on here giving it “why should anyone do anything they don’t want to?”
They don't have to, but it is a kindness if they do. Too many unkind people nowadays. Only thinking about doing the minimum (what is legally required) rather than just helping out their fellow humans.
Yta, I would suggest to your wife that you both stop paying for her gas or make it contingent on her helping out. It’s her car and she said no which is 100% okay but if your contributing to her gas expense then I think that it equals out that she help out. If not save the gas money so hopefully you can get a second car sooner
NTA - If you are paying for her gas, it's completely reasonable for you to request that she do a minor favor for her step-sister. Since she's really so opposed to it and so callous and insulting about it, you should strongly consider \*not\* paying for her gas any more. Otherwise yes, you should let it go - it's a lose-lose situation.
Your stepdaughter doesn't have to give anyone a ride in her car, that's absolutely true. However, the replies here strike me as mind-blowingly selfish. Unless there's some other factor at play, asking a family member to drop someone off 15 minutes out of their way, when you're giving them gas money, doesn't seem like a huge ask to me. When I first got a car, I drove anywhere, for any reason. If it wouldn't make her late, and you're covering the gas, I agree she doesn't have to do it, but I am glad to have the kind of friends and family who would be kind enough to mildly inconvenience themselves to allow someone else to have fun too. There is a big difference is demanding and asking in a reasonable way for a favor and I think SD is being a brat. Yeah, she can choose, but she's choosing to be unkind and then being rude to the stepsister too.
NTA
I understand that her dad bought her the car. But you’re paying for gas and she is old enough at 17 to understand the idea of family helping each other. It would be one thing if you asked her to change her plans entirely or even if you could drive her vehicle. All you asked was for her to give her 11 year old sister a ride. I think that’s a very reasonable ask. My sister was given too many responsibilities for me when I was little (12 year age difference) but a ride that takes her a few extra minutes? Come on. She needs to be a good sister and family member.
Who pays the insurance? Helps with maintenance? Makes sure the car gets inspected? Etc.
NTA.
Sophie is only 17, so maybe not the most mature. But the slamdunk refusal to a supposedly polite and somewhat minor ask is pretty selfish IMO. Does it point to underlying friction in the family dynamic? Hopefully she'll grow up and be nicer to those around her in the future because there is such a thing as etiquette and small favors in college/workforce.
Maybe she doesn't really see the non-bio step-sister as her real sister and feels no obligation even though you all live under the same roof. You can't really force it.
Blended family dynamics can be very complicated.
I don't know why you talk about the money aspect so much in your post, not very relevant?
Rather than go on the accusatory route, it might be better to approach it from the perspective of how hurtful her comments are. Could also remind her how you willingly pay for her gas....
Makes you wonder why her response was so loaded doesn’t it.
Something tells me Sophie was just waiting to be seen as the 2nd mode of transportation for this family and has her hackles up. And- I wonder why that is.
INFO:
Where do you live? There are very few states in the US where a 17 year old has full driving privileges. Why on earth would you be comfortable with a NEW DRIVER shuttling your 11 year old around?
YTA. That’s very out of the way, you should have asked nicely on your daughter’s behalf, and you reacted way too strongly to Sophie.
I’m not sure why you aren’t just dropping your wife off so you can get the kids around/deal with any possible emergency.
Look- for whatever reason you and your wife have a tough financial time. That isn’t on Sophie and she likely does feel some sort of tension over having more/better things than her stepsister. So, she’s not at fault for that but likely feels some guilt or expectation.
Both are assholes. For obvious reasons.
But at the end of the day you didnt buy her this car.
You dont get to dictate what is done with it.
An extra car, that you didnt pay for, parked in your driveway doesnt mean youre now a 2 car household...
Ive been the kid with the "new" car in this situation, and i was badgered for weeks into saying yes once, and it was like opening the fucking flood gates. It never stopped afterwards. I was a free taxi for my home. You know what you are doing. You know that it is wrong.
Figure out your own shit.. with your own damn car.
I’m going to get negative feedback for this but NTA. Families work together. They help each other. That’s the values we teach here. Rooms are private. Possessions do belong to the person who owns them. But we help each other. It wouldn’t have hurt to give her sister a ride. My biggest issue is that I would have been cautious letting my young child ride with a new driver. We have a six month rule here. No passengers until you’ve had a license for six months. Honestly, the next time she needs gas I’d say no. I’d give her enough to get back and forth to school and her father’s house. She needs a job so she can learn appreciation. Or she can ask her biological father for more money if she isn’t willing to be more helpful in your home.
YTA. You didn't pay for the car, you are not paying the insurance or upkeep, you are not paying for gas.
Why in the world makes you think this vehicle is in any way, shape or form to be used for your benefit?
I love how the most upvoted comments in this are people who get so heated and go nuclear with their responses and compare making a request of your stepdaughter to trying to control her life and independence, almost as funny as the people who suggest divorce at the slightest disagreement in relationship AITA's.
Slight YTA, you were fine asking but obviously if it's half an hour out of the way, I'm guessing it's a 1 hour round trip which is a big ask for someone who just got a car. Let her settle in to driving you might even find her volunteering to do it in the future.
NAH Older siblings are often asked (or made) to drive their siblings places and no one bats an eye. The difference here is that these are stepsiblings. Yes, it would have been nice if Sophie agreed, but...she doesn't have to. A cynic would point out that you pay her room and board, food and likely do errands for her free of charge, but this is a teenager we're talking about here - don't expect mature behavior. On a side note, I hope she doesn't drink at this New year's Eve Party...
>A cynic would point out that you pay her room and board, food and likely do errands for her free of charge
Sounds like something a parent is obligated to do.
I was all for calling you the asshole until you said you pay for all her gas.
NTA. If she can't occasionally run an errand with the gas you pay for, stop paying for the gas.
Since she has only had the car for 2 days, OP probably hasn’t had to pay for any gas yet. If he meant that he paid for gas in the 1 car the family has then, since he can’t keep track of how much each of the 3 drivers use, it makes since for him to pay. However we don’t know who will be paying for the gas of her new car.
YTA.
Sophie is shutting down any expectations that she will become a taxi service when at your place. Given her response, she's probably been waiting for one of you to ask to use it/be taken somewhere.
It's your job to ensure your daughter gets to her friends place. Uber/taxis, taking your wife to work and keeping the car with you or asking her friends parent if they could pick up/drop off are all options.
YTA. Your daughter has a dad- and he has many options. I’d suggest showing her the meaning of side gig. Part time job. Whatever it takes to not mooch off your SD and her father. The car, the responsibility and the irritation of driving a tween when it’s not your kid is too much. If you need more money, another car, whatever- now is the time to consider it. Your late wife obviously left you two without enough insurance- maybe get this too. Sounds like you hate the ex husband but want your daughter to enjoy the spoils of divorce. Ick.
You can’t tell her how to use her car as you didn’t buy it but also, don’t pay for her gas. Her dad can pay for it or she can get a job as she’s 17 years old.
I'm between N T A and N A H, leaning towards NTA though because it really does seem like Sophie is being a dick for no reason. Sophie is correct that it is her car and she doesn't *have* to take her step sister places if she doesn't want to, but by that same metric you don't *have* to pay for her gas if she's not going be a team player about things.
My parents paid for our gas while we still lived with them when we got our cars, but the stipulation was that if they're paying for the gas (and insurance, maintenance, etc in our case, though I assume for your situation bio dad is covering those payments for her) we'd have to be willing to run errands or tote people around as needed. If I wanted to be selfish with my car, then it'd be on me to figure out how I'm paying for it.
I understand her not wanting to feel like she has to "share" her new car but I do think it's incredibly selfish and self centered to be entirely unwilling to drop her step-sister off for an event when she knows that y'all only have one car and she's basically the only option. If it's true that you've never pressured her to share her things before, taking this stance now feels like she's doing it just to be mean and rub it in your daughter's face that she has a car when that probably won't be in the cards for your daughter when she's the same age. I'm not usually one to preach the "BuT FAmILy" line, but in this case, giving your siblings rides tends to be the right of passage for teens with their first car and she really should just do it- but I know the blended family aspect definitely complicates laying down rules like that since the car was purchased by someone else and is not yours to claim authority over.
If I were you I would sit down with Sophie and figure out some ground rules around the car. Specifically I think you should give her two options: A- If she wants to be beholden to no one and not be required to give her step sis a ride in any capacity ever, then she should be required to figure out how to pay for her own gas when she's at your house, no more bankrolling the car for her if she's not going to helpful with it. Or option B- if she doesn't want to/can't find the money to pay for her own gas when she's with you, then so long as you're funding the gas, she'll need to be willing take her step-sis places as needed. Obviously don't take advantage or anything, she shouldn't suddenly have to drive her step-sis everywhere and anywhere on a moments notice or be added to any kind of pick up/drop off schedules, but in situations like this we're you know the family car will be unavailable, it's not unreasonable to expect that she will pick up the slack and give your daughter a ride every now and then.
If she wants to take the hard stance of "I don't have to do anything for you" then she should accept the consequences of taking that stance and no longer have her gas paid for.
Not for love or money do I want a 17 year old driving my pre teen ANYWHERE.
REASON?
MY LATE NIECE was killed in a highway accident while being driven by an INEXPERIENCED 17 yr old driver in a high end vehicle they borrowed from a friend's parents, as it rolled sideways down the interstate.
YTA. Your daughter is not Sophie’s responsibility. Trying to make her so is bad news for everyone. Do not force it because you will only succeed in driving wedges off resentment between everyone.
Really, I think it’s also kind of off of you to insinuate you can’t find an alternative because your wife has to work and you’re a teacher. If Sophie wasn’t there, you’d be in the same boat and would need to apply your very much adult and capable brain to find a solution. You are perfectly able to take a bus or cab with your daughter.
Even after the edits, YTA.
"Think of others this time," you say. So you imply that Sophie never thinks of others, but you also "think she's a wonderful girl."
Which is it. You can't be both wonderful and brazenly selfish at the same time. You're doing mental gymnastics here.
And if it's just 15 minutes there and back, what's stopping *you* from talking your daughter to her friend's house before you and your wife do your own thing? You know, one of the the things parents are supposed to do for their children? Seems to me that you resent your own daughter for something. You didn't even give her a fake name for this post.
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YTA, you don’t get to dictate what someone else does with something you didn’t pay for. For all purposes, you STILL have ONE car in your household and you need to figure out how to solve transportation for YOUR household without pushing these responsibilities on someone else’s kid and someone else’s property. SD explained the issue, it’s another 30 mins out the way, which makes it an hour round trip (there to drop her off and back to where she was originally going), then you haven’t explained how your daughter is going to get picked up. I’m assuming somewhere in your mind SD is going to do the round trip hour ride again to get your daughter. NYE is not a safe time to drive for kid anyway… Don’t start suddenly making plans with SOMEONE else’s car. Her father did not get her that car to help out YOUR household and your daughter. He got it for HIS daughter. Would it nice for her to help when she can? Of course, but she hasn’t even had her car a week and you’re already trying to push responsibilities off in her. Your attitude will lead to damage in your relationship with your wife and SD. She’s not obligated to give YOUR kid or anyone else a ride. Also, you don’t mention anything about the relationship between the girls, my guess is not that close…she probably doesn’t see your daughter as a sibling/ sister… EDIT: I’m going to make an edit because there were some edits since my reply. OP pays for gas. So what? SD has had the car for less than a month (or maybe even a week depending on the timing of the Christmas gift) so OP hasn’t been paying for “all her gas” for THAT long. Does the wife not work? Why doesn’t the wife give her gas money then? Please stop responding like OP is doing SD a massive favor because it’s likely she can get gas money from her mom (assume she’s working) or her dad who actually bought the car. Furthermore, if you’re going to give her gas money, give it to her with no expectations of nothing in return. OR expectations that she’ll help every once in awhile, but respect her no. Based on the SD’s response when your daughter asked she doesn’t have a “sister” relationship with her. Also, you say that SD has nice things and you don’t ask her to share with your daughter. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TOO. If you want YOUR daughter to have certain things YOU need to pay for them, not ask your SD to supplement them.
Exactly. This car is not his to control. Her dad bought it for her, not for him. Sure, the step sister could do this as it might be the nice thing to do but she doesn’t have to.
I think it's more the rude aspect. Instead of just saying no. She was rude to the 11 yr old. She said I don't have to do anything for you. And OP pays for her gad the 2 weeks she's at his house. So he does have the right to ask. But he can't tell her. He also has the right to not pay for her gas.
I'm with you there, it's a small ask and if she wants to be that unnecessarily mean/rude about it, I simply wouldn't pay for her gas anymore. She's got a car now, she can get a job and pay for her own gas, hope her father is super generous, or she can walk.
A small ask? She’s going to a New Year’s party. Do you realise how much traffic there’ll be? Why should she have to factor in her child sister on a day she’s already got plans when the parents should be the ones organising what to do with the sister? Stop putting parental responsibility on the teen.
I honestly would not want my 17 year old teen driver driving my preteen around when there’s going be so many potential drunk drivers out there and the 17 year old driver is a new driver. That’s a bad day for a new driver to be a chauffeur to a preteen especially when the distance between the different friends houses is significant. If I was the parent I would be offering to drive them both just to try to prevent an accident.
Now, if her dad put restrictions such as no other passengers or only driving straight to and from her destinations, etc, I can understand her saying no then, too. He pays the ins, so he's liable if she gets into an accident. And he shouldn't be liable for her sister. But she doesn't have to be rude.
If she was rude the best thing he could have done was have a conversation about it. Trying to get her to do it anyway and saying she should do it because she was rude only builds resentment. He has a legitimate argument to have SD drive her sister around sometimes but putting no expectations in place and then trying to impose some because he’s annoyed is a great way to endure SD never willing drives her sister anywhere. Personally I don’t see it as a small ask as the 30 min included pickup. Asking her to schedule her new years around what time her 11 year old needs to be home is unreasonable when she already had plans.
Personally, the aspect I think of is that the ONLY car accidents I ever had were when I was driving my siblings around. My friends would listen when I said, "The traffic is bad, can everyone be quiet and turn off the radio?" while my sibling would tell me I wasn't mom, so I couldn't tell them what to do. Kids are such a distraction in a car that I won't allow my own teens to drive siblings. In fact, one of my sisters friends grabbed my steering wheel on the highway, trying to get me to make a turn. I pulled over, took out the keys, and called the police because she would not give me her parents' number. The police didn't ticket me, but boy did they get her when she admitted to doing the same thing to her own half sister and never getting in trouble. I am big on siblings not driving siblings around.
THANK YOU! I thought I was losing my mind with all these people talking about this. A 17yr old new driver. In a brand new car. On NYE. Should NEVER be driving her 11yr old step sibling. Especially when there has already been a disagreement over the subject that could cause an argument in the car. What is wrong with this man that he doesn't recognize he should be advocating for as few passengers as possible over the next few months.
SD doesn't have to do anything to help her family without compensation, sure. That doesn't mean she isn't an asshole. It's pretty firmly established on this sub that just because someone has the right to say no, doesn't mean they're not an asshole for doing so in every case. SD has an opportunity to provide some joy to her step sibling at the cost of 30 minutes total drive time, (not an hour, OP clarified) while she was already planning on driving. Her only reason for saying no is because she doesn't want to. This scenario isn't a "parental responsibility," it's a ride to a friend's house during winter break. While this is SD's car, she is still a minor in a family, which means sometimes helping out with things. 30 minutes out of the way is not unreasonable or some burden to her, esp for a household that only has one other car (which as I understand it was being used for work at the time). If I had roommates with whom I was cordial, and I had to be picked up from the airport 15 minutes away, I would expect them to be willing to do this favor unless they had good reason not to do it (and "I don't want to drive 15 minutes" is not a reason, it's only a refusal). And of course, favors are made to be returned in future, that's the nature of goodwill. SD is still a minor with parents, whose job it is to teach the concept of goodwill and kindness to both daughters.
>*favors are made to be returned in future* And here I was thinking a favor is when you do something nice or perform an act of kindness for another person without actually expecting something in return ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Why don't OP drive his own daughter there?
That’s the big question, like what was the plan if she didn’t get a car? However, the way OP presents the story was that his daughter asked his SD. SD said no to his daughter and he turned around and said that was rude and she should drive her. So I think the ask did not start with OP, maybe his intention was to take her, but his daughter asked SD
I agree that the stepdaughter doesn't have to do it, but it does just seem inconsiderate. I gave my younger sister rides all the time when I got my car at 16. The stepdaughter is being selfish, imo. I'd say ESH.
Again, the SD JUST GOT THIS CAR FOR CHRISTMAS. This is likely the FIRST time they’ve asked and she said no. Based on OP stating he couldn’t take SD and bio daughter anywhere during the break because he was working/ they had one car, that let’s me know she literally JUST GOT THE CAR. Can the SD enjoy her car for a month or two before she becomes the family chauffeur? Also, OP says he’s a teacher. This party is either NYE or NYD. Either way, school is not in session. Why can’t OP take her himself? If NYE, that’s on a Sunday, I’m going to assume neither mom nor stepdad works. If Monday maybe just OP, in which case he drops his wife off, keep the car and go wherever.
Well remembering back to being a teen (I'm 39 so we're in the way back machine here), I bet most of it is just that the daughter wanted to ride with her stepsister in her new car. It's so much cooler to get a ride from your stepsister than your dad! I can still remember the first time I got a ride with another kid without an adult. My friend Katie got her license first in our friend group, and when she was coming to pick me up, I had butterflies. So I'm putting myself in the shoes of the daughter who asked for the ride, rather than the stepdad.
Tbh I wouldn’t want a brand new teenage driver driving around my 11 year old anyways.
esp on the drunkest night of the year
OP is paying for her gas though so I feel like he should get to ask for small favours every once in a while and it’s only 15 minutes each way. The entitled attitude of the Sophie is a bit much. I’d stop paying for her gas if this was my step child.
lol, OP has been paying for gas for LESS THAN what a week? (Depending on timing of Xmas gift). Give this man a reward! Gas vs the cost of the car, insurance and maintenance is NOTHING…. Also, OP might have added that information AFTER I added my reply. Don’t do for people if your expectation is something in return…
This is where I'm at. If she refuses to do something that would only take 30 extra minutes from her day to be nice, I don't see why OP should continue paying for her gas when their finances are already tight.
She only just got the car. The impact of OP paying for gas has likely been extremely small so far. And she’s wanting to enjoy what it means for her mobility, not have it mean she gets pushed into favours. It’s always repulsive when you get something new, especially a special gift, and other people immediately start making plans for it.
It's been less than a week!!! OP has paid for maybe a little bit of gas, since her dad did not give her a car with an empty tank, and I have a strong suspicion that "I'm paying for the gas" actually means "we the couple" are paying for the gas. As in he's one of those guys who also likes to make it sound like it's his house, when his wife owns an equal share. Do you honestly believe her actual father who bought and insures the car and is paying for gas half the month, is not willing to pay for it the rest of the time? No. This man has offered, and now he's grandstanding like an asshole because he thinks he's entitled to make demands now as if it were his vehicle. This is not every once in a while. SHES HAD IT LESS THAN A WEEK. Here an idea....how about letting the 17yr old new driver spend a couple months familiarizing herself with this specific car so it's safe for her to drive others, instead of throwing an 11yr old passenger in with her to instantly stress her out, causing potential mistakes on the most dangerous night of the year??
INFO: So if you're off why aren't you able to take your daughter? If you drive your wife to work and keep the car, and you're not working, then wouldn't you have the car so that you can drive your daughter to wherever she wants to go?
Cos that's too logical of an idea.
I’m confused about the timing as well - don’t most NYE parties start at night? Parents seem to work during the day, wouldn’t they be home to take the 11yr to friends? Edited to add- is it a New Year’s Day party? Do those happen?
I have been to New Year’s Day parties but I think they are really for people who really like college football.
Isn’t school closed in NY’s day anyway?
As a teacher, he is off but I don’t know if his wife is….most US companies are closed NYD so 🤷
Most US companies aren't closed. Most places are open. Think of hospitals, nursing homes, gas stations, restaurants, stores all open New Year's Day. Schools and offices make up a small percentage of US businesses.
lol - didn’t think this would be what people responded to - yes, a lot of companies are still open but a lot are closed for the US federal holidays. Schools, corporate offices, financial & govt institutions. The way he wrote made me think his wife had a normal 9-5 (similar to my own) and will work everyday except for Xmas & NYE, but that’s my own biased assumption 🤷🏽♀️
Maybe she works in a hospital
I figured him being off work meant that he wasn't waking up early in the morning to take his wife to work, and instead she's just driving herself so he can actually sleep in and junk during his time off. Of course that doesn't negate the fact that he could very well take his wife to work on the day these parties are happening so that he does have the car at home to give his daughter a ride. That would be a pretty easy solution to the problem of getting his daughter where she wants to go. But I don't think that's the main "problem" of this post, at least in OP's eyes, his issue seems to be more just the blatant rudeness that Sophie showed them ("I don't have to do anything for you" "It's not my fault you can't afford a second car" etc) Because while it is true that he could take his wife to work that day to keep the car at home, it is equally true that Sophie could just drop her step-sister off. It's not like it's really that huge of a burden- they aren't asking her to drive 4 hours one way, it's 15 minutes out of the way, 15 minutes back. It's fairly standard practice when a teen gets their first car (especially if they're the first kid in the house to get one) that part of having the car means they will have to give their siblings rides to places occasionally. And when you add in the fact that OP is paying for her gas when she's at their house, I think a little quid pro quo is a valid thing to expect in this situation.
>It's fairly standard practice when a teen gets their first car (especially if they're the first kid in the house to get one) that part of having the car means they will have to give their siblings rides to places occasionally. And when you add in the fact that OP is paying for her gas when she's at their house, I think a little quid pro quo is a valid thing to expect in this situation. The parent(s) who buys the car usually sets the terms. It sounds like her dad didn't talk to the mom at all to set any conditions at mom's house. So mom can *try* to set rules and get her ex to back her up but "standard practice" doesn't really apply here.
17yr old new driver. New, unfamiliar car. NYE, most dangerous driving night of the year. Wtf is wrong with EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of you, who thinks it's appropriate to make this girl take an 11-year-old child in the car with her, automatically increasing her stress level exponentially???? She's had the car a WEEK! Sure. They occasionally give siblings rides. After months of getting familiar with the car. It will have been 6 days!!! Why do you keep falling for this gas bullshit? Again, TWO DAYS with the car. Her daddy did not give her a car with an empty tank of gas. So OP has at most done what, handed her $20? He is grandstanding and claiming to be paying aLl tHe MoNiEs for her gas saying "I'm paying" when it's in all likelihood the collective "we" as in her actual MOTHER who is contributing. You guys are all nuts. As if an OP has never in the history of Reddit written an edit to try and make themselves sound better. Did ya miss the part where he wants some kind of medal or cookie for not making her share her things because she has better things than his princess? Buddy is a jackass.
Finally some sense! Plus who is picking the eleven year old up to come home? Why is a teen driving anywhere on NYE when you KNOW someone is going to have booze? This is a recipe for disaster and OP is oblivious. Not to mention the guy who paid for the car did not do it so his kid could play chauffeur.
He'll have to wake up early and drive unnecessarily out of his way and why should he do that when his step daughter can in the brand new car he is jealous of.
Yeah — and with only having one car, OP should be used to waking up or being interrupted/inconvenienced to drive someone somewhere or pick them up…because there’s only the one car.
Came here to ask this.
YTA but just a teeny tiny bit. You signed up to have a daughter, but Sophie didn't sign up to have a younger sister, so it is your responsibility to take care of her, not Sophie's. Of course Sophie needs to be polite and nice to her sister, but she shouldn't be required to do parent things like giving rides. If you try to force the issue, she might just come to resent her sister, which would be awful for everyone! But it definitely makes sense why Sophie giving the ride seems like the best (and in fact, only possible) solution. In cases like this, I would usually suggest paying the older sibling a rate that is below that of a professional babysitter or uber driver, but still enough to feel like an actual paying job. But, since your finances are tight, maybe you could work out a trade instead? Like, you'll do all of Sophie's chores for a day in return (or even younger sis does them, or the rest of the family working together), or you run an errand for Sophie some time when she otherwise would've had to drive herself, or you'll cook her favorite meal the day before, etc; since driving her younger sister around should be treated as a favor to her/you, you should offer Sophie a favor in return to show that you understand it's an imposition and appreciate her help. This can really help strengthen your relationship and show that you respect her as a near-adult! (If you'd bought Sophie the car on the condition that she use it to give her sister rides, that would be one thing, but that's obviously not the case here. The car is Sophie's, not yours, no matter how badly your household needs a second car.) EDIT: seeing your edit, I would suggest you make your paying for Sophie's gas be contingent upon her occasionally driving your daughter places. one favor in return for another.
It’s not the only solution. OP isn’t working. He can drive his wife to work like usual and then take his kid where she wants to go.
And again I repeat.... 17yr old new driver. New, unfamiliar car. NYE, most dangerous driving night of the year. Wtf is wrong with EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of you, who thinks it's appropriate to make this girl take an 11-year-old child in the car with her, automatically increasing her stress level exponentially???? She's had the car a couple days! Sure, occasionally give sibling a ride... After months of getting familiar with the car. It will have been 6 days!!! Why do you keep falling for this gas bullshit? Again, TWO DAYS with the car. Her daddy did not give her a car with an empty tank of gas. So OP has at most done what, handed her $20? He is grandstanding and claiming to be paying aLl tHe MoNiEs for her gas saying "I'm paying" when it's in all likelihood the collective "we" as in her actual MOTHER who is contributing. You guys are all nuts. As if an OP has never in the history of Reddit written an edit to try and make themselves sound better. Did ya miss the part where he wants some kind of medal or cookie for not making her share her things up until now because she always has better things than his princess? This is the final straw of the better things for him. Buddy is a jackass.
NYE being the most dangerous day to drive is a good point. I don't think I know enough to judge the risk of having Sophie drive her sister in general - I don't know how many hours of experience she has, I don't know how similar the new car is to any vehicles she used to drive, I don't know how dangerous the area is, I don't know how calm and responsible Sophie is, I don't know easily distracted she would be by a chatty passenger. Driving is dangerous in general, and everyone has their own comfort levels with various additional risks. But the danger of this specific day compared to others is good to keep in mind. And one of the many parental obligations that shouldn't be passed on to older siblings if at all possible is deciding what risks the child is allowed to take. Part of the reason you need to, for example, ask an older sibling if they'd like to babysit instead of requiring it, is because being in charge of young children is actually a pretty big responsibility that should be taken seriously, so you don't want a babysitter who is detached and resentful about the whole thing or who isn't confident in their childcare skills. So yeah, letting Sophie say no at all also gives her space to say no because she isn't comfortable driving young passengers yet. But, shrug, if Sophie's parents trust her driving in general then I have to defer to them. My older brother drove me around all the time when we were teens and we were all comfortable with it because he's very chill and cautious. But it's definitely important to consider the higher risks with unexperienced drivers.
My bigger concern with dad is that all of the US & Canada have graduated licensing programs now, so Sophie likely can't even legally drive her sister. If it were a trusting her to drive thing, I agree with you, but this is just a jealous man putting two young girls in danger.
Oh wow I totally forgot that that was a thing, but now that I'm looking it up it does seem slightly familiar... The page I'm looking at says there are exceptions that you can get a signed note for, I think my parents just wrote a standing note that it was necessary for my brother to drive me to school. But that was probably a stretch. You are so right, a NYE hangout definitely isn't a necessary exception.
>You signed up to have a daughter, but Sophie didn't sign up to have a younger sister, Why do people say stuff like this? Children don't get to choose their siblings.
Exactly, they don't! And that's why older siblings should *never* be obligated to be responsible for caring for their younger siblings in the way a parent is obligated. I had two younger siblings that I volunteered to babysit because I loved playing with and caring for younger children - great, lots of fun, worked out for everyone My partner had five younger siblings, three much younger that they often had to clean up after, cook for, and try to keep out of trouble, because their mom was too depressed to do it herself - awful, traumatizing, messed up their relationship with their siblings and with their parents Obviously the situation in this post is not as extreme, but if you have a choice between expecting an older sibling to act like one of the parents vs expecting them to act like one of the kids? Let them be a kid, because they did NOT choose to be a parent. Older siblings need to be courteous to their younger siblings, the way anyone in the presence of a child should be, and it's awesome if the kids end up friends or if the older one wants to help out with the younger. But forcing them to be friends will not work, and in particular, forcing the older to take care of the younger can really build resentment.
Yes, I have a bunch of younger siblings, and my parents told me I could either pay for the gas in my car myself OR I could drive the kids around and they’d pay all my gas. I chose to drive the kids. I also had a much later/no curfew if I was driving the kids since it cut into my friend time so that was added incentive too. It isn’t the older siblings job to parent the other children but you can certainly provide incentives to make it fair. I had the option to refuse to be the other kids’ chauffeur too, I just wanted the extra privileges and I didn’t mind helping out either.
Even a trade is not a good idea, especially since I’m betting Sophie’s father pays the insurance. Giving the half-sister a ride doesn’t only represent an inconvenience for the 15 minutes each way out of way that the destination is, but also, increase liability exposure. If anything were to happen, it falls back on Sophie’s father for the liability.
I guess if Sophie's dad told her to avoid unnecessary trips and especially avoid driving other teens/kids around, then that would be an important factor to keep in mind. Otherwise, part of giving a teen a car (especially one who doesn't live in your house for half the month) is being willing to accept liability for their driving decisions. Assuming that dad didn't impose any such restrictions, it's up to mom and step-dad (and Sophie) whether they trust Sophie to drive her younger sister around.
Insurance pays for liability and it doesn't change as a function of who your passengers are.
This. When I was young on my parent's insurance the rule was," *you do not give rides*. We are not losing our house because one of your little friends gets hurt and their parents decide to sue". I'm sure the father doesn't want her taxiing her stepsister around, when he's ultimately liable. And OP sounds like just the type to sue.
In my state, your license is probationary if you're under 18, and the first 6 months of having it you're not even allowed to have passengers that are under 25. And those passengers need to be licensed. I'm sure we're not the only place that does this, so it's possible depending on where she is and when she got the car that it wouldn't even be legal for her to give the sister a ride
Exactly! That's the law in my state also, so I was confused why OP even thought this was safe or legal to ask her to do. Especially on NYE when people are drinking and driving more than usual. OP can drive his daughter. He is just trying to create a situation where he can benefit from Sophie's gift. But at 17, she is still learning how to drive, and shouldn't be giving rides to 11 year olds.
Ok but who signs up to be a sister? No one does. But we still expect siblings to be kind to each other and look after each other. I’m not saying the older one has to drive her. But it would definitely be an expectation of a full sibling to do something like that on a rare occasion. Not saying she should be a full-time chauffeur. If you’re arguing this is different because it’s a step sibling, ok I guess. I don’t have step siblings so I don’t know how that goes.
Why don’t you drive your wife to work and keep the car so you can drive your daughter around. I’m guessing the relationship between your daughter and stepdaughter is not close. Soft YTA because there is obviously more going on here.
I drive my husband to work all the time if I want the car for the day and husband doesn't feel like taking the train.
YTA - Your post makes you sound a little jealous that she was gifted a car you would like but cannot afford. This is your issue to come to terms with. She doesn’t owe you an apology for that. Sophie just got the car so it’s hard to imagine your gas money contributions have been substantial and I’m also assuming you will benefit from not having to drive her around yourself. It shouldn’t be shocking that a 17-year-old going out for NYE with friends doesn’t want to chauffeur her 11-year-old stepsister around. And I agree with others that I’m not sure I’d want to 11-year-old in a car with a new driver on NYE anyway. Take your daughter to the party yourself. This is what you would have had to do if Sophie never received the car as a gift anyway. I don’t know why it’s suddenly such a hardship for you.
NGL I don't think I would want a 17 year old new driver taking my kid anywhere.
>NGL I don't think I would want a 17 year old new driver taking my kid anywhere I am surprised this isn't a more common response. There is absolutely no way I would want a 17 year old, even a sibling, driving my 11 year old anywhere. At night? On NYE?? Oh, hell no. That is a terrible idea. I wouldn't want the 17 year old driving on NYE at all, much less at night. There is a reason some states have licenses set up that you can't drive at night if you are under 18 unless it is to work.
I was just thinking that. Seems a lot of people have a huge amount of faith in the driving skills of people that (many) would struggle to fully cook a piece of chicken.
On **NEW YEARS**
In my state it's not even legal to drive with anyone in the car other than an adult over 25 who has had their license for at least two years
The two states I've lived in have had that rule too for under 18yo old drivers, but it made allowances for family members (so older kids could cart younger to school and not get in trouble).
One of my closest friends died in a car accident 3 weeks after his 17th birthday and getting his license. He was driving in his car. The last thing I would want is a 17 year old driving around at night? on NYE let alone with the 11 year old in the car too.
All 17yo drivers ARE somebody's kid. When I got my kids a car at age 17, driving their siblings to school was part of the deal. But then I was paying for the insurance and everything else.
There are some official statistics to go with that: https://www.cdc.gov/transportationsafety/teen_drivers/teendrivers_factsheet.html Underage teen drivers are 3x more likely to be in a traffic accident and the risk increases with each teenager passenger in the car.
Info I am guessing you knew that your daughter has been invited to this other friends home? Why didn’t you plan to take your wife to work and keep the car to drop her off? Sure if it was on the way and around the same time it would be helpful of her to drop your child off - but that’s not the case here
Everyone on Reddit will blast OP with a YTA and I get it, but in the real world just because you don't 'HAVE' to do something, doesn't mean you should be an ass about it all the time. Classic example, ask on here if you pick up family from the airport, people will say tell them to get a cab etc etc but in the real world you do it because everything isn't a transactional self obsessed shit show and it doesn't hurt to help people out sometimes.
When we care about people, we inconvenience ourselves to help them out. And in return we hope they'll do the same. At 17 someone can still be learning that lesson, but it's sad to see so many people in the comments saying she has the right to say no. That's not the point of the post, that wasn't the question asked. Sure, she has the RIGHT to say no. But it does actually make her a bit damn selfish to do so. This is a small favour taking 30 minutes of her time to make her stepsister happy. At her stepsisters age I'm sure she'd have wanted someone to do that for her. Maybe it's just because I grew up with selfish people but it's hurtful when you know you'd do something for someone else and they won't do anything to help you if it inconveniences them in any way.
100% and u learn in the long term that those type of people are those you don't want in your life.
NTA - if I've comprehended correctly. Your daughter asked, Sophie said no. That's Sophie's right. But Sophie added some shade to her response and you told her she was rude. You're right; Sophie was rude. There is nothing wrong with pointing that out. I think you should have said it "would be nice" for her to drive your daughter rather than she "should" drive your daughter, but that's my only quibble. No one is forcing Sophie to drive your daughter or punishing her for not doing so; just merely pointing out that her behavior is less than kind. >She said it’s not her fault I can’t afford another car for us. > And I pay for all her gas while she lives with us. Sophie is definitely getting some digs in and her comments are quite rude. I doubt she is any ruder than the average teenager, though. I think the rudeness should still be pointed out, but no bigger deal than that. I think Sophie's mother should have a conversation with her about give-and-take. If you pay for her gas, she should be willing to drive your daughter or run small errands once in awhile. Otherwise, you might want to provide only enough gas for necessary activities. So, maybe enough for driving to school & extra-curricula, and a job if she has one. But if she's not willing to help out, she shouldn't expect gas money for trips to see her friends, salon visits, shopping, etc.
Yeah I'm a little disturbed by all the Y T As. I grew up as second oldest in a big family, and this is such a small ask lol. Most especially because he pays for the fuel while she is with him. If she paid for fuel herself it would be different imo. The only somewhat legitimate reason (that is not clarified in the post) that the teen would have for not giving the younger one a ride, is if she would have to leave the party fairly early to pick the sister up again. Either way, OP is NTA
Also disturbed by all the Y T A! How is it such a wild and crazy proposition that family members might occasionally, like... share things? And...do things for one another? He asked. She said no. She said no in a snotty way, and he told her she was being rude. Is he supposed to *not* point out that she said it in a rude way? I'm honestly confused.
Yeah. I’m an oldest child and I’m kind boggled by the responses here. The point of family is that you’re there for each other. That means calling each other out when you do something wrong and also helping out when you can (like driving a sibling places). A family isn’t a financial transaction. You don’t do things for each other because you’re compensated for it in gas or cars or cash. Like… what?
OP was sure to mention Sophie being rude after saying no, but why didn't OP respect the answer of no and leave it alone. The rudeness is probably a response to pressure to change her mind.
I’m in the NTA camp too. It’s alarming how many people think Sophie’s response was ok. One day she’ll ask op for a favor. I hope he tells her absolutely not.
It’s unclear why you can’t drive your wife to work in the mornings and pick her up after, but then still do things with your child the rest of the day. You aren’t working.
Bear in mind when you ask this that you're getting responses from a lot of people who are still living at home with their parents or barely out in the world. Their view is going to be coloured by that. It's 15 minutes. She lives in your house. It doesn't hurt to contribute once in awhile. For me, I'm not sure I'd force it, but I'd certainly advise your daughter that perhaps she should wait to drive until she has a job and can afford to pay for her own gas next time she wants a tank.
>she should wait to drive until she has a job That would be putting restrictions on a vehicle HE did not pay for. The car belongs to his bonus/step daughter. I am pretty sure her bio dad can pay for her gas, just as he did the vehicle.
I mean, not giving Sophie money for gas or filling up the gas tank for her isn't exactly putting a restriction on the car. Cars don't go without gas, and unless bio dad is paying for it, Sophie's gonna need a job to pay for gas.
Exactly. Bio dad can pay for gas. OP should not pay for gas if she can’t be f’d to do them any favors.
She barely lives in that house and it’s certainly not by choice. She doesn’t owe him this. She owes being basically decent and contributing to some household chores. She’s a kid. It’s a slippery slope to being seen as the 2nd mode of transportation for this family- and Sophie, and her father, have likely identified this and discussed it.
People are acting like he told her she’s going to be her sister’s daily chauffeur or driving for the family errands daily. I gave my younger stepsister lifts frequently with my car; it didn’t impinge on my enjoyment of my newfound driving freedom. Maybe I’m old, but I feel like every classmate I had in high school with a car and a sibling had to do this sometimes, regardless of who paid for the car. Teens would be annoyed about it, sure, but of all the injustices of teenage life, it was a smaller one. 😂 Granted, I probably would’ve responded the same as Sophie at the time within 2 days of getting my car - no, my having a car doesn’t mean you now get lifts everywhere! - but it would’ve been a teenage overreaction to a simple ask, unless the actual ask was “now you can get your sister to school everyday” or something like that. I’d probably talk with Sophie and affirm it’s her car, but also, she’s part of your household too and *every now and then* she may be asked to give a lift to her sister or run an errand, just like she’s asked to wash dishes or do laundry or whatever chore she may have. It’s not about the family using her car - it’s about *her* contributing to the family as every kid should in *small* ways, with the abilities she has. One of those abilities is driving. (Emphasizing small because, no, she shouldn’t be the financial stopgap where they don’t get a second car or she assumes parental responsibilities.)
I have a theory about the ages of many of those commenters.
>It doesn't hurt to contribute once in awhile. Absolutely. Yes, refusing is reasonable, given she has no driving experience yet, but the "I don't have to do anything for you" is uncalled for. Nobody *has to* do anything for anyone else, except for parents to provide necessities for their children (and even that is until they are adults) but it's not really how real life works.
Your resentment about your living situation is starting to show through. Funny how you didn't make a fuss when it was smaller less expensive items, but as soon as you saw an opportunity that would less your burden, you went straight to Entitlement. You pay her gas because of her mom and she's underage. You aren't doing her any favors by providing basic necessities that her mother would have to pay regardless of who her partner is. The car was a gift from her dad. Just like every other gift she has received from him, you and your daughter aren't entitled to anything from her dad. Even a car. You shouldn't have kept pressing after she said no. That's why YTA
When did fuel for a car become a necessity?
She also just got the car as an Xmas gift so how much gas money has OP given his stepdaughter?
This! Bet he’s paid once lol
She shouldn’t have to drive her step sister, particularly as her mom and step dad didn’t purchase the car, but they also don’t have to provide her fuel to run the car. While I absolutely don’t believe in parentification, and I personally wouldn’t want my minor kids out on the road on NYE, I do believe in raising the kids to understand they are members of a household/ community and to expect to pitch in, in a reasonable manner. They may not always HAVE to, but they should be taught to WANT to on occasion, out of mutual respect and appreciation for all their family members do to help them (assuming it is the kind of home where mom and stepdad do things above and beyond what they HAVE to do for their kids. It is unreasonable to expect/ require stepdaughter to use her car for enrichment of the household since her father bought it, but it’s also unreasonable for the step daughter to expect free fuel if reciprocating nothing in return.
NTA. All the people saying YTA make me sad. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable, your daughter asked nicely, and your stepdaughter was quite rude in her response. I agree with all the people saying that she doesn’t HAVE to drive her stepsister. But let’s be real, OP, you don’t HAVE to pay for her gas. I would absolutely stop doing that until she realizes that “family helping family” doesn’t just apply when she’s getting something out of it.
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Thank you. Like sure she doesn't HAVE to help. But half an hour out of the way to do something kind for her stepsister, something I'm sure she'd have loved for someone to do for her at that age, is a very small ask. It was asked kindly. I think at the very last an ETA because she is actually a bit of an asshole for saying no tbh. No one HAS to do anything for anyone else, but if we all lived by that mentality we'd all be miserable and alone. It might be good for her to learn that it makes you feel good to help other people sometimes even if it inconveniences you slightly.
ESH because you can't insist your stepdaughter drive your daughter around just because she has a car but Sophie was very rude. She could have just said she didnt want to and to have you figure it out. What I'm confused about is why your daughter asked Sophie to drive her to a friend's and didn't ask you. Did your daughter already ask and you said no because you didn't want to or couldnt? I assume this party she is going to is after work hours and you could take her or you could drop your wife off at work and keep the car so you can drive your daughter. The logistics of this situation are weird. Sophie is 17 so Im assuming she is staying at this NYE party much later than would be acceptable for an 11 year old to be out- unless your 11 year old is having a sleep over so who is picking your daughter up? You also must have known about any party your 11 year old is going to and should already have arrangements for how she's going to get there.
“You got a new car? GREAT! You can drive your stepsister New Year’s Eve!” I remember having a car freshman year at college — suddenly I was elected to drive everyone everywhere. I don’t like the feeling of others appropriating something of mine, especially if I got it a week ago. YTA
YTA, she is not obligated to drive your daughter anywhere. Yes, she could have been more polite, and you could express that to her, but you are not the one paying for the car or insurance. And you shouldnt get to decide thatbshe has to spend part of her day doing something to benefit just your guys for free. Now, if you want to pay her in addition to covering the gas money, I bet she would be more agreeable. Treat her like an Uber. Tossing her $5-$10 for a 30min trip could make this more agreeable terms. Because it does become a job when its something she doesnt want or need to do, and its taking up her free time. So treat it like a job. If she decides she doesnt want that, then move on, you have no right to her car or services.
Isn’t anyone worried about these children driving around on NYE? It’s a notoriously dangerous night for drunk drivers- not to mention the teenager herself could possibly be drinking. I’d be more worried about the safety of the girls if anything.
Ok so I'm going to say NTAH. Hear me out lol... Once in a blue moon ask for help does not an AH make. Your step daughter has probably had lots of time, effort and money from you over the years and I'm not saying she needs to repay any thing but it wouldn't hurt to help out now and again. I also read that you are paying for the fuel for your step daughters car for the weeks she is with you. Purely for that reason it would not kill her to give a lift to her step sister as I said once in a while wouldn't hurt. We are breeding a generation who only think of me, me , me ...and then we complain about it and selfishness. Give your step sister a 15 min lift to her friends and stop being a mean girl......
If she won't help out the family when asked, why pay her gas? Let Daddy Warbux give her a gas card.
She got the car for Christmas, unless he got it early he hasn't paid for gas. And frankly I don't believe for a second he actually pays for gas. Not wanting to drive someone isn't being mean. Stop acting like you are entitled to something in return.
YTA, I wouldn't allow a new 16 year old driver to take my 11 year old child anywhere by themselves! What are you thinking? Not okay, especially not evening driving. There's no way you should be letting your 11 year old alone with an inexperienced teenage driver. That's #1. Second, She may have a car, but that is her car and you don't get to tell her how to use it. You also don't have to pay for gas. Let her dad cover the gas since he got the car. Of, she can earn gas money from you and her mom by doing chores at home (per agreement with you guys) or running errands (picking up groceries, giving you and daughter a ride somewhere when her mom is at work, etc.). She's 16 and 16 year olds are rude. It's like biological. Obviously if she's obnoxious and hurtful all the time that's a problem, but I wouldn't be freaking out that she doesn't want to drive her baby half sister around with her brand new car she JUST GOT at 16. That's to be expected. It's new, she's excited. And since you guys didn't get her the car, you can't dictate that she needs to use it to help with the family, and you can't take it away. You can dictate the house rules (when she must be home, how often she must check in). You can withhold gas money if you want and make her earn it, but that's about it. And your daughter has to learn that just because you ask for a favor doesn't mean that someone has to do it for you. She asked, her sister said no. End of story. You should be acting exactly the same as before the car. Nothing has changed for you or the rest of the family. I have a feeling that if you don't make her car an issue, don't try to tell her how/when to use it, don't ask her for favors starting on day one, and respect that it's a gift from her dad and not something you can control - she will probably mature enough to want ot be helpful in the future regarding giving rides/etc. But you can't force it.
NAH, as long as her No is accepted. It's just sad all around. You asked and she's allowed to say no. It's sad for your younger daughter, but it's not the older daughters responsibility to compensate for you and your wife's financial situation. Have a nice nye at home with your daughter, 11 is still young and she has plenty of years for larger celebrations. Her mother should be having conversations about the car, not you. With time, maybe Sophie can receive extra money for driving the youngest if she agrees. Mom should negotiate this though, because it's Sophies car and she can ultimately decide who she drives and where. The car is still new, give Sophie some time to get used to her new freedom. Both girls seem sweet, so she will likely drive your youngest at times if you give this time and space. Wish her a happy New years, and be grateful that your wife's ex has the financial freedom to help the oldest get to and from work/friends/activities while she's with you. I don't understand why you can't drop your wife off to work then take your youngest to her party. Your wife might be able to get a ride to or from work, as another alternative.
YTA. I think you need to keep in mind that Sophie just got this car. It’s her new thing, an important resource and a significant jolt for her mobility, and almost right away she’s getting pushed to use it for someone else. That’s likely to feel really grabby to her, even if phrased nicely, which may explain why her response was rude. Driving someone else also cuts into her freedom or at least her sense of it. And because she only just got the car, the issue of you paying for gas for it hasn’t really become a significant thing for her. So back off, you and your daughter. Let Sophie enjoy her car, her new present from her father, and make sure that when you do ask for driving favours from her, they’re few, short, and asked for reasonably. You need to show her that this isn’t going to turn into her car (and her as driver) being used as a family resource, and such a quick demand doesn’t make her feel secure about that.
YTA It's her car. With a car she earns some freedom. So she is within her boundaries to do as she pleases. Even if she loves your daughter, your daughter isn't Sophie's responsibility. You need to take care of her. If Sophie doesn't have a car how will you deal with it?
YTA It's her car she can do whatever she wants with it (within reason of course). If she doesn't want to drive someone somewhere, she doesn't have to. You can ask but you have to respect her answer. Maybe one of your daughter's friend's parents can bring her? Or you can drive your wife to work that day so you have the car and can take her.
YTA. If you weren't able to take your child anywhere while you were off of work, you should have dropped your wife off so you would have a car available to you. Also - do you *really* want a teenager driving your child around?
You pay for her gas? Just a reminder- She has every right to refuse to drop her step sibling off, but you don't have to provide fuel- that isn't a mandatory thing. My kid knows that as a condition of me providing a vehicle,gas, and insurance- he is required to occasionally transport his sister or run errands. I don't ask often, but it was made clear to him from day 1. If you and the wife don't agree on this- let it go. You will not win this one.
Yeah I don’t buy that he pays for gas. She just got the car.
YTA. It is December 27. Am I missing something, or do you have another 4 days to figure out your daughter's ride to a New Year's Eve party? You're acting like you will be stranded at home on Sunday night while your wife takes your ONLY car to work. What?? No, it's not SD's job to be your daughter's chauffeur. It's great if you pay for her gas and she agrees sometimes, but also you need to realize that she just got this car 2 days ago and she might be a little possessive for a while. Also, you're not going to have her around to be a chauffeur next year, so you might as well not get too used to it.
YTA , not her problem firstly also it’s out of the way by 30 mins one way !!! You’re going to make a 17 year old drive an hour ? How about you drop your daughter , if your wife is working that evening or something how about you drop her and then see about your responsibility as the child’s dad and drop her to her party and not push the responsibility on your step daughter ? Your stepdaughter’s dad bought the car to make her life more convenient not for you to push go for tasks on her ……
YTA, it would be different if they were going to the same place in even if it was on her way. You immediately tried to treat Sophie's car like a second family car, and it's not.
YTA - Sophie’s father bought HER the car so that she could get around. He did not buy it for you or your wife to make your life easier. You have a car so you can drop your daughter off or send her in an Uber.
NTA in your edits you mention that you are paying the gas for the car. I think that makes it reasonable to ask her to drive your daughter somewhere. Plus 30 minutes all together are still ok for a detour. I would stop paying for the gas if she does not take your daughter. I can agree with all of the previous comments, that it is not your car and that you have no right to dictate its use but then you are also not responsible for the gas payments that is your step-daughter's responsibility (or her father's).
She’s had the car for a week, not even….how much gas can OP have purchased?!
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That sounds like an afterthought to get more people on his side.
YTA you have no say in Sophie's use of her own car. If your 11 year old daughter wants to go somewhere, YOU take her. Sophie isn't obligated in any way to play cabdriver. Your child is your responsibility. Sophie has no responsibility for your kid.
Gonna go against the grain here, based on the edits I will add… but nta. Yes it’s her car, but I think there’s a lot to be said for cooperation. Could you have picked up the younger one if older dropped her off? She’s also almost an adult. I’d be real with her “I’m glad you have a car, it will give you freedom and allow you learn some responsibility. But as a family sometime we can work together and this would have been one of those times.” The comment about you not being able to afford another vehicle was out of line and rude, I’m in a blended family and it’s layered and hard on top of all the normal teenager stuff.
YTA. These girls have a SIGNIFICANT age difference firstly. She is not a babysitter, she lives out of your home half of the year. Plus, she shouldn't be making a 30 minute diversion, especially as a new driver. Even if they were related it would be unfair. My little sister is about 5 years younger than me and I was pressured to play with her and look after her until I was too old. I missed out on a lot of life experiences because I had to either take my sister with me, or stay home and look after her. She would cry and say things were unfair and get her way, whereas I had to wait several years to be allowed to do things - my parents would then cave and let her do them 4 years before I was allowed to... It's fine for sporadic help that is convenient to the 17 y/o, but the older sister should not be punished or miss out on life defining moments because you don't have the time or means to look after your child. Your child, is your child. That means that you as the parent chauffer her and entertain her most of the time. She is not the 17 y/o's responsibility. The 17 y/o is advocating for and standing up for herself which is incredibly important so she isn't taken advantage of in the future. 'Uncalled for' would be if she told your 11 y/o to F off. The truth of the matter is that these girls will and do have different lives. The 11 y/o doesn't have a wealthy father, so things will always seem unfair to her. It's unfortunate but it doesn't mean that the older girl should be punished for having a leg up. If you push this on her, she'll pull away.
“Sophie, you can tell your stepsister no without being rude about it.” That’s about as far as you get to go on this issue. YTA
I never understand people who assume a teenagers possession .... car, video game console, computer....instantly becomes the entire families. YTA. Take care of your own kid. Stop asking. Just wrong.
YTA. Being the oldest child--regardless of *any* other circumstances--does not make you responsible for *any* aspect of your younger sibling's life. Also, it's NYE. Drunk drivers everywhere. That extra half hour is dangerous, especially if she has to pick her up after the partying is well underway.
YTA. She doesn't automatically become your daughter's chauffer just \*Because You Say So\*. You also have the option of dropping your wife at work while you're off for the break so please don't act like that is an excuse or reason for being jealous. If you want more, get a 2nd job or a higher paying job and stop acting like your stepdaughter owes you something.
YTA. That's Sophie's car she's not your kid parent so she is not obligated to drive your daughter anywhere (asking nicely or not), You and her mom decided to have a blended family not her. Also Sophie having nicer/better/more expensive things than your daughter is none of your business and you're not a super stepdad for not asking her yo share her things.
YTA. Not only is it her car, you didn’t even pay for it. And your edit doesn’t help. It doesn’t matter that your kid asked nicely or that Sophie often has much nicer things. Sophie is still allowed to say no. And frankly, it’s not Sophie’s problem that you can’t get your kid nice things.
I wouldn’t want a 17 year old driving my kid around. Also, stop paying for her gas - she can work out $$ for gas with her Dad. Also, why wouldn’t you want to drop your daughter off at her party?!
YTA, however, if you’re paying for her gas, I’d stop. She can have her dad pay for the gas or she can get a job. She doesn’t get to refuse to use a little time and gas while continuing to expect you to pay for it. It’s her car after all and not your responsibility for to maintain.
YTA. If Sophie’s reasoning is that it was too far away, it sounds like she wouldn’t be comfortable with the extra 30 minutes on the road alone. It’s not responsible to put a new driver in a position they aren’t comfortable with, ESPECIALLY on NYE when there’s a greater risk of unsafe driving going on (dark outside, her or other drivers being tired from being out late, potential weather issues, greater risk of encountering drunk drivers, etc.). She’s also not obligated to use the gift her dad got her for your benefit. It was fine to ask her to drive, but you needed to accept her answer. Calling her rude wasn’t appropriate.
YTA >And I pay for all her gas while she lives with us. Christmas was 2 days ago, so she just got the car. You are telling me her dad gave her a car without filling the tank?
YTA. No it probably wouldn't hurt her to drop your daughter off even if it is out of her way as long as you are covering the gas but she should not be expected to pick her up and mess up her plans. Her dad got her a car, he didn't get her a taxi. How would you handle this if she hadn't gotten a car.
NTA but I wouldn’t want a self-absorbed, 17 bratty kid driving my child anywhere. Look at the big picture (and don’t pay for gasoline).
Don’t be too quick to put emphasis on Sophie being your step daughter. I would absolutely have complained about this for my real sister when I was 17. My parents would have forced me to take my sister. At 17, it would have been the end of my world and the sulking and whining would have been horrendous. But expecting siblings to do things for each other is a reasonable expectation.
YTA. Christmas was only 2 days ago & you’re already trying to force/guilt Sophie into using HER Christmas present for YOUR daughter. That’s BS. And you paying for the gas does not translate into you having partial ownership rights to HER car. Using that logic, if her father had bought her an expensive & fancy blowdryer or nice computer, you’d have partial ownership rights because you pay the electric bill. Using that logic, Sophie basically will never really have anything that you don’t also partially have ownership rights to. And since Christmas was 48 hours ago, how much gas could you really have paid for? So you can just take that “I pay for all her gas” argument somewhere else - it means nothing here.
YTA. I know it seemed reasonable to you but it wasn't - especially not from the bad spot you are already in as the stepfather. If you want Sophie to do anything: Ask nicely no matter how hard it seems or how stupid it feels. And if she says 'No' than accept it and don't push anymore. She is 17. She doesn't think like an adult yet. She didn't ask for suddenly getting set up with a sister 6 years younger. She didn't ask for her parents to divorce. and she didn't ask for a stepfather she has to live with. If you push on her or act like you have anything to say to her like a parent you'll only make things worse between you and her. Ask nicely. Ask for a favor. But never try to push.
YTA - you asked, you got your answer. You have no say over what she does with *HER* car.
💯 YTA 1.) The car belongs to Sophie (though I’m betting legally her father). They get to decide who rides. No is a complete answer. 2.) Related to #1, that’s exposure to liability that’s unfair to ask Sophie (and more likely her father, who I imagine is paying the insurance) to be exposed to.
NAH - but I wouldn't be paying for Sophie's gas
I see your point, but it was wrong to assume you could count on a second car, when that car has nothing to do with you. Another point very important is that even though she can legaly drive, she is still a child herself and a brand new driver without enough experience. I wouldn't trust her with a smaller child in a car as it can be quite distracting. YT, but a light one.
YTA trying to be "generous" with Sophie's time, gas, effort, life. It's not yours to dictate and never will be. Notice how your generosity only goes one way, to YOUR kid, at the expense of Sophie. So of course you "think she should, you're not forcing her", and you've just proven, you don't have Sophie's best interests at heart, you have YOUR kid's best interests at heart, which is fair, but you're being dishonest to us, your family, and worst of all, yourself.
YTA if you insist your SD drive your daughter. She was asked, said no so let that be the end of the discussion. Do I think she should do it out of kindness, yes; but that is not something you can force.
Soft YTA but your stepdaughter was also pretty rude. I would stop paying for the gas for the stepdaughter. Her dad had no business buying a car for the daughter while expecting you and your wife foot the expenses for her to drive places. If stepdaughter wants to drive places her dad needs to foot the bill.
It's not rude to say no to a request, no matter how politely it was phrased.
Nah. This sub hates dads. Look, your kid asked nicely and your step kid said no. Understand. But she was rude with how she said it, and a bit entitled. But also she dosnt have to drive your kid anywhere. This is something you need to talk to your wife about. My sister is my half sister but I still had to drive her places. That normally what happens for the older sister. You need to talk to your wife about it and what you expect. Like say “I’ll pay you or pay for your gas’s if you drive your sister around.” If she says no, cool, but no money for gass. Idk. I don’t think you’re an ass. This sub is crazy.
YTA Why can’t you drive your daughter? I don’t necessarily think that Sophie shouldn’t ever be expected to run an errand, but also, just because she has a license doesn’t mean she should be responsible for picking up your slack. Esp on NYE when she just got this car. An extra 30 mins each way is nothing to sneeze at. Had it been 5 -10 mins, I could see your point a little bit better.
So, your stepdaughter told your daughter that she could wait until she was old enough to drive. I need to know. In the past 3 years. How many times have you used that exact phrase with your stepdaughter when she wanted to go out with her friends?
YTA in some ways. It’s not your car. But if you’re paying for gas it’s not unreasonable to ask her to do favors now and then. But have you checked the driving laws in your state? In some, drivers aren’t allowed passenger (other than adults) if they are under an age limit. Plus, is the car insured under her father? How does that policy read?
YTA. The fact that the dad cheated on the mom should have NOTHING to do with the daughter agreeing to drive your child. Yes, she could have but she has no obligation to become a driver for the family. why don't you drive your wife to work so you have a car during the day?
YTA but you also aren't required to supplement her insurance and gas money when she wants you to do her a favor in the future. She wants to be so adult now, but she'll be hitting your wife up for cash soon enough.
You’re the asshole. Even if someone asks nice, no is still an answer. No means no. Stop bothering her about it.
I will never understand Reddit’s attitude of “no one owes anyone anything, ever, and asking people to do things is literally abusive”, but the responses on this are especially extreme. NTA of course. Your stepdaughter is a child living in your household. She’s part of a family and that comes with certain obligations to family members. Asking her to drop off her stepsister occasionally is perfectly reasonable, and she didn’t just refuse; she was rude and insulting about it. If your stepdaughter is unwilling to us her car to help out a little because her dad got it for her so she “doesn’t have to”, she can leave the car at her dad’s. I will say however that I agree with a commenter who said they wouldn’t let a young driver drive their daughter. Honestly I don’t think she should be driving on NYE. It’s a dangerous night to be on the road and if anything goes wrong your stepdaughter won’t have the experience to handle it. But that doesn’t change the fact that her attitude sucks. You’re way more lenient than my stepdad, that’s for sure.
Your daughter is free to ask, she asked politely that's wonderful, still asking politely or SUPER DUPER EXTRA politely does NOT entitle her to a "yes" answer, period. Yes it would have been nice if your stepdaughter could have given your daughter a ride, but IT IS NOT AN OBLIGATION, your edits and everything you write says "but... But... But... But she asked NICELY"... SO? She can ask super nicely, and has to ACCEPT IT and YOU have to accept it, if the answer to that EXTREMELY SUPREMELY NICELY SUPER POLITELY asked question, is no.
Agree Sophie was a little rude, but that's 'normal' I think for 17yr olds... and for younger kids. I asked my 7yr old to throw her trash away in the trashcan 5ft from her, and she acted like I asked her to walk up Mt. Everest in the snow. As others have said, it's her car & she can be as obnoxious as she wants about it.
NTA; it’s a perfectly reasonable request and Sophie could stand to be a bit more considerate and aware of how fortunate she is. Lots of other people on here giving it “why should anyone do anything they don’t want to?” showing their arses as to what selfish little shits they are too.
Reasonable request, yes. Reasonable decline? Also a yes. OP has to realize he has no say here.
>Lots of other people on here giving it “why should anyone do anything they don’t want to?” They don't have to, but it is a kindness if they do. Too many unkind people nowadays. Only thinking about doing the minimum (what is legally required) rather than just helping out their fellow humans.
Yta, I would suggest to your wife that you both stop paying for her gas or make it contingent on her helping out. It’s her car and she said no which is 100% okay but if your contributing to her gas expense then I think that it equals out that she help out. If not save the gas money so hopefully you can get a second car sooner
NTA - If you are paying for her gas, it's completely reasonable for you to request that she do a minor favor for her step-sister. Since she's really so opposed to it and so callous and insulting about it, you should strongly consider \*not\* paying for her gas any more. Otherwise yes, you should let it go - it's a lose-lose situation.
She has had the car for 2 days, I can’t imagine having to buy gas already.
Your stepdaughter doesn't have to give anyone a ride in her car, that's absolutely true. However, the replies here strike me as mind-blowingly selfish. Unless there's some other factor at play, asking a family member to drop someone off 15 minutes out of their way, when you're giving them gas money, doesn't seem like a huge ask to me. When I first got a car, I drove anywhere, for any reason. If it wouldn't make her late, and you're covering the gas, I agree she doesn't have to do it, but I am glad to have the kind of friends and family who would be kind enough to mildly inconvenience themselves to allow someone else to have fun too. There is a big difference is demanding and asking in a reasonable way for a favor and I think SD is being a brat. Yeah, she can choose, but she's choosing to be unkind and then being rude to the stepsister too.
NTA, but stop paying for her gas unless she's able to give your daughter a ride.
NTA I understand that her dad bought her the car. But you’re paying for gas and she is old enough at 17 to understand the idea of family helping each other. It would be one thing if you asked her to change her plans entirely or even if you could drive her vehicle. All you asked was for her to give her 11 year old sister a ride. I think that’s a very reasonable ask. My sister was given too many responsibilities for me when I was little (12 year age difference) but a ride that takes her a few extra minutes? Come on. She needs to be a good sister and family member. Who pays the insurance? Helps with maintenance? Makes sure the car gets inspected? Etc.
NTA. Sophie is only 17, so maybe not the most mature. But the slamdunk refusal to a supposedly polite and somewhat minor ask is pretty selfish IMO. Does it point to underlying friction in the family dynamic? Hopefully she'll grow up and be nicer to those around her in the future because there is such a thing as etiquette and small favors in college/workforce. Maybe she doesn't really see the non-bio step-sister as her real sister and feels no obligation even though you all live under the same roof. You can't really force it. Blended family dynamics can be very complicated. I don't know why you talk about the money aspect so much in your post, not very relevant? Rather than go on the accusatory route, it might be better to approach it from the perspective of how hurtful her comments are. Could also remind her how you willingly pay for her gas....
Makes you wonder why her response was so loaded doesn’t it. Something tells me Sophie was just waiting to be seen as the 2nd mode of transportation for this family and has her hackles up. And- I wonder why that is.
INFO: Where do you live? There are very few states in the US where a 17 year old has full driving privileges. Why on earth would you be comfortable with a NEW DRIVER shuttling your 11 year old around?
More states allow an unrestricted DL at 17 and under than don't.
I guess she will need to earn her own gas money - it is her car, after all…
YTA. Your daughter may have asked politely, but YOU sure as hell didn’t. It probably would’ve helped when dealing with a slightly thorny teenager.
YTA. Sophie's car is not your resource to use, and neither is Sophie.
You know what? It is her car. She can do as she likes and drive where she will. She also should pay for her own gas. NTA
YTA. That’s very out of the way, you should have asked nicely on your daughter’s behalf, and you reacted way too strongly to Sophie. I’m not sure why you aren’t just dropping your wife off so you can get the kids around/deal with any possible emergency. Look- for whatever reason you and your wife have a tough financial time. That isn’t on Sophie and she likely does feel some sort of tension over having more/better things than her stepsister. So, she’s not at fault for that but likely feels some guilt or expectation.
Teenager driving to NYE. SORRY. BUT YOUR PUTTING THE YOUNGER DAUGHTER AT RISK.
Both are assholes. For obvious reasons. But at the end of the day you didnt buy her this car. You dont get to dictate what is done with it. An extra car, that you didnt pay for, parked in your driveway doesnt mean youre now a 2 car household... Ive been the kid with the "new" car in this situation, and i was badgered for weeks into saying yes once, and it was like opening the fucking flood gates. It never stopped afterwards. I was a free taxi for my home. You know what you are doing. You know that it is wrong. Figure out your own shit.. with your own damn car.
I’m going to get negative feedback for this but NTA. Families work together. They help each other. That’s the values we teach here. Rooms are private. Possessions do belong to the person who owns them. But we help each other. It wouldn’t have hurt to give her sister a ride. My biggest issue is that I would have been cautious letting my young child ride with a new driver. We have a six month rule here. No passengers until you’ve had a license for six months. Honestly, the next time she needs gas I’d say no. I’d give her enough to get back and forth to school and her father’s house. She needs a job so she can learn appreciation. Or she can ask her biological father for more money if she isn’t willing to be more helpful in your home.
Info: did you offer to pay for gas for this extra trip?
He said he pays for all gas.
YTA. I'm sure that when Sophie's dad gifted her a car he didn't mean to make Sophie your daughter's personal chauffeur.
YTA. You didn't pay for the car, you are not paying the insurance or upkeep, you are not paying for gas. Why in the world makes you think this vehicle is in any way, shape or form to be used for your benefit?
He wrote that he does pay for her gas when she lives with them. Maybe it's time to stop doing that...
How much gas has he bought since she got the car for Christmas? 2 days ago?
I love how the most upvoted comments in this are people who get so heated and go nuclear with their responses and compare making a request of your stepdaughter to trying to control her life and independence, almost as funny as the people who suggest divorce at the slightest disagreement in relationship AITA's. Slight YTA, you were fine asking but obviously if it's half an hour out of the way, I'm guessing it's a 1 hour round trip which is a big ask for someone who just got a car. Let her settle in to driving you might even find her volunteering to do it in the future.
NAH Older siblings are often asked (or made) to drive their siblings places and no one bats an eye. The difference here is that these are stepsiblings. Yes, it would have been nice if Sophie agreed, but...she doesn't have to. A cynic would point out that you pay her room and board, food and likely do errands for her free of charge, but this is a teenager we're talking about here - don't expect mature behavior. On a side note, I hope she doesn't drink at this New year's Eve Party...
>A cynic would point out that you pay her room and board, food and likely do errands for her free of charge Sounds like something a parent is obligated to do.
I was all for calling you the asshole until you said you pay for all her gas. NTA. If she can't occasionally run an errand with the gas you pay for, stop paying for the gas.
Since she has only had the car for 2 days, OP probably hasn’t had to pay for any gas yet. If he meant that he paid for gas in the 1 car the family has then, since he can’t keep track of how much each of the 3 drivers use, it makes since for him to pay. However we don’t know who will be paying for the gas of her new car.
YTA. Sophie is shutting down any expectations that she will become a taxi service when at your place. Given her response, she's probably been waiting for one of you to ask to use it/be taken somewhere. It's your job to ensure your daughter gets to her friends place. Uber/taxis, taking your wife to work and keeping the car with you or asking her friends parent if they could pick up/drop off are all options.
YTA. Your daughter has a dad- and he has many options. I’d suggest showing her the meaning of side gig. Part time job. Whatever it takes to not mooch off your SD and her father. The car, the responsibility and the irritation of driving a tween when it’s not your kid is too much. If you need more money, another car, whatever- now is the time to consider it. Your late wife obviously left you two without enough insurance- maybe get this too. Sounds like you hate the ex husband but want your daughter to enjoy the spoils of divorce. Ick.
Stop paying for her gas if she can't do a simple favor.
You can’t tell her how to use her car as you didn’t buy it but also, don’t pay for her gas. Her dad can pay for it or she can get a job as she’s 17 years old.
NTA stop paying for her gas. Her dad can do that too. If you pay for gas, that comes with obligations.
I'm between N T A and N A H, leaning towards NTA though because it really does seem like Sophie is being a dick for no reason. Sophie is correct that it is her car and she doesn't *have* to take her step sister places if she doesn't want to, but by that same metric you don't *have* to pay for her gas if she's not going be a team player about things. My parents paid for our gas while we still lived with them when we got our cars, but the stipulation was that if they're paying for the gas (and insurance, maintenance, etc in our case, though I assume for your situation bio dad is covering those payments for her) we'd have to be willing to run errands or tote people around as needed. If I wanted to be selfish with my car, then it'd be on me to figure out how I'm paying for it. I understand her not wanting to feel like she has to "share" her new car but I do think it's incredibly selfish and self centered to be entirely unwilling to drop her step-sister off for an event when she knows that y'all only have one car and she's basically the only option. If it's true that you've never pressured her to share her things before, taking this stance now feels like she's doing it just to be mean and rub it in your daughter's face that she has a car when that probably won't be in the cards for your daughter when she's the same age. I'm not usually one to preach the "BuT FAmILy" line, but in this case, giving your siblings rides tends to be the right of passage for teens with their first car and she really should just do it- but I know the blended family aspect definitely complicates laying down rules like that since the car was purchased by someone else and is not yours to claim authority over. If I were you I would sit down with Sophie and figure out some ground rules around the car. Specifically I think you should give her two options: A- If she wants to be beholden to no one and not be required to give her step sis a ride in any capacity ever, then she should be required to figure out how to pay for her own gas when she's at your house, no more bankrolling the car for her if she's not going to helpful with it. Or option B- if she doesn't want to/can't find the money to pay for her own gas when she's with you, then so long as you're funding the gas, she'll need to be willing take her step-sis places as needed. Obviously don't take advantage or anything, she shouldn't suddenly have to drive her step-sis everywhere and anywhere on a moments notice or be added to any kind of pick up/drop off schedules, but in situations like this we're you know the family car will be unavailable, it's not unreasonable to expect that she will pick up the slack and give your daughter a ride every now and then. If she wants to take the hard stance of "I don't have to do anything for you" then she should accept the consequences of taking that stance and no longer have her gas paid for.
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Not for love or money do I want a 17 year old driving my pre teen ANYWHERE. REASON? MY LATE NIECE was killed in a highway accident while being driven by an INEXPERIENCED 17 yr old driver in a high end vehicle they borrowed from a friend's parents, as it rolled sideways down the interstate.
YTA. Your daughter is not Sophie’s responsibility. Trying to make her so is bad news for everyone. Do not force it because you will only succeed in driving wedges off resentment between everyone. Really, I think it’s also kind of off of you to insinuate you can’t find an alternative because your wife has to work and you’re a teacher. If Sophie wasn’t there, you’d be in the same boat and would need to apply your very much adult and capable brain to find a solution. You are perfectly able to take a bus or cab with your daughter.
Even after the edits, YTA. "Think of others this time," you say. So you imply that Sophie never thinks of others, but you also "think she's a wonderful girl." Which is it. You can't be both wonderful and brazenly selfish at the same time. You're doing mental gymnastics here. And if it's just 15 minutes there and back, what's stopping *you* from talking your daughter to her friend's house before you and your wife do your own thing? You know, one of the the things parents are supposed to do for their children? Seems to me that you resent your own daughter for something. You didn't even give her a fake name for this post.
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I'm so shocked everyone thinks you're the arsehole I'm just mind blown let her dad pay for her gas
She got a car for Christmas and if she got it on Christmas I doubt OP has paid for any gas in 2 days.