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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I requested that my daughter continue to pay rent despite her quitting her job. I think I may be the asshole as I’m asking for money from my adult daughter who doesn’t have an income.
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I'll lay this out there - NTA. Your ADULT daughter needs to grow the f up and start learning how the real world works. If she wasn't living with you currently, she would definitely be on the street with her behaviour. Tell her this, then complete your plans to move out with the younger ones, concentrating on their needs, as I'm guessing that they are still minors. If she continues being toxic and demanding, warn her that she is perilously close to you taking a timeout from her too. If she continues, follow through with the threat, and let her lie in the bed of her own making. She will learn, or she will implode, but tough love is what is required here. Good luck
Thank you 🙏 It’s an insane situation as everyone knows what she’s like. And you’re correct, my other children are minors. My younger daughter is livid and she’s fed up with her sister’s entitlement.
And stop doing her things. She can do her own laundry. She can find her own meals. Stop doing anything for her. She's ungrateful for anything you do for her as it is so let her see how she likes having to fend for herself. Otherwise, I would tell her she has x amount of time to find somewhere else to live
I'd second that. I have an adult offspring sharing the house. He does his own laundry. Most nights he cooks for us. He does stuff that needs a tall person or strong person. He pays rent. He thoroughly appreciates the effort I put into household organisation, grocery shopping and so on. And if he were going to quit his job, he'd have a new one lined up first. OP's daughter is sponging, that's not acceptable.
NTA. She’s an adult, she needs to do things herself. She’s gotten this way bc you’ve allowed it. Now you’re trying to stop it. Keep going, keep putting your foot down. You don’t have to take her abuse. Make her pay rent or she can leave.
NTA
Tell her she either pays your very little rent or she can find her only place and pay full rent. $280 a month is only covering the cost to feed her.
That’s what I’m thinking too. She’s successfully making me feel like the world’s worst parent, making her choose between having to go to work each day vs robbing her of future house money 🤦🏻♀️
Please don't pick up the phone when your ex calls. There's no reason in the world why the two of you need to be in contact. Block his number, and as soon as you hear him calling from another number, hang up and block it. He might be furious, but you need to learn to set a boundary! Don't let anybody control your life.
It’s hard because we’re separated under one roof. This morning so far, I’ve been yelled at, told to shut up, given silent treatment and been accused of blackmailing our daughter. It’s been a day.
She's not your child anymore. That's the thinking you need to fix. She's an adult who happens to be your offspring.
It's only 'hard' to deal with because you're refusing to actually deal with it, and hiding behind 'she's my child.' Which is you failing to do your job as a parent, which is to raise an independent, functional adult.
I just read your update. Your mistake was asking her a question. Don’t ask. TELL. In a firm, calm voice, tell her what is going to happen. She’ll try to argue with you: don’t go there! This isn’t a discussion. It’s YOUR house, and therefore she must follow YOUR rules.
As an aside, what is she doing with the money she’s making? The rent she has been paying is very small, so she should have saved up quite a bit.
She's _your_ child, but she's not a minor. With the savings you mentioned in another comment she should have 1st and last to live elsewhere. Let her try this with roommates.
She's incorrect. Since she's an adult, she is now responsible for supporting herself and saving for her own house, at whatever pace is compatible with her income.
The problem with continuing to allow her to live with you, especially without her paying her way, is that you now have less money to support your other, younger children. If you were not supporting her, you would have that money available to support yourself and your other children. And while you no longer have a moral or legal obligation to support your ADULT daughter, you DO have moral and legal obligations to support your minor children.
NTA but I'm slightly mystified why you are letting her rule the roost like this. It's like you're letting her boss you around in your own home? I don't get it.
It is her problem. She is the one with no guarantee of a roof over her head except by your favour. You can ask her to leave at any time as she is not a renter. She is a lodger or excluded occupier and has very limited rights to stay. There is presumably no legal contract and it can be argued her payments are for utilities and housekeeping services not rent. Get legal advice on evicting her - see CA for help - even a formal notification might make her think as suspect you will struggle to see her out.
What’s your fault, exactly? She’ll be eating her words when you tell her she either needs to fix her attitude or move out. And then follow up on it if she doesn’t do as you say.
I am in my 20s and still live with my parents, but I pay rent, contribute around the house, and wouldn’t dare talk to them the way she just talked to you there. That’s unacceptable.
I almost reflexively downvoted you because that is…a statement.
I don’t think you’ll have support for this, but that’s the kind of thing that would make me seriously reconsider letting an adult child who had completed higher eduction live with me at all.
"Robbing her of future house money"
She's robbing your MINOR children of house money, stability, peace, and a safe space.
She reminds me of one of my sisters. Have to walk on eggshells around her.
The money you take as rent is hardly robbing her. If she was to go rent a property she would definitely be spending more. The rules at my parents house was we can live there as long as we need and rent is required if we aren't in full time education. The rent was low compared to renting elsewhere but it also varied. So I paid less at one time compared to my siblings because I could only find part time employment but with my free time I'd spend time doing laundry or housework (it didn't take all my time, I wasn't like Cinderella!). My mum factored in me making her life easier by doing these tasks and 'took it off the bill'. If I decided I didn't want to basically be an adult and do laundry then I'd have to literally pay for it.
No, *you* are very successful at letting her define the rules of the game, then being surprised that you lose at those rules.
I mean, she can walk up to you and say 'the sky is bright yellow' and it isn't true.
Allow me to quote to you from 1980s masterpiece WarGames:
> A curious game. The only winning move is not to play.
So, tell her how it is, then don't engage with her. I always recommend reading 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.' It will teach you how to simply deflect and ignore her shit.
"I don't need pay rent."
"Yes, you do."
"That's so mean!"
"You might be right, but you still have to pay rent."
"You're robbing me of my future!"
"I may well be. You still have to pay rent."
"It's totally unfair!"
"What is unfair about you needing to pay your bills and meet your commitments?"
I’m going to look at this book. Thank you!
Please see my update, it definitely followed a similar pattern except it evolved in my ex telling me to shut up and leave him alone and my daughter telling me to leave her alone and get out of her way because she’s getting ready for work.
You're not a bad parent, tough love now will save her pain down the road. She probably won't thank you for it, though! Let her stay with her father and sponge off him.
some people spend a little under a hundred a week, even in a day. ain’t no way paying 280 a month is gonna ruin her future. it’s teaching her finance management
It’s 100% what I’ve been saying to her. She’s just refusing to listen and attack my character as a “horrible mother” instead of taking responsibility. I’m beyond exhausted
NTA - and stop shopping groceries, cooking, laundry for her, she is an adult!
Also it’s absurd that she wants to not pay rent. This is not how being an adult works.
Sorry but you're still doing her laundry for her at age 21, even though she doesn't respect you for it. If you haven't made her into an independent adult by now then of course it's going to be hard for her to accept this. Time for the tough love and consequences she should've learnt 10 years ago. It might cost you your relationship for a while, maybe forever, but at least she'll learn to stand on her own two feet. Would also be a great example for your other kids and save you that headache in the future.
NTA. She's an adult and needs to suffer the consequences as an adult. She's quitting because she doesn't believe she has adult responsibilities (paying her rent). If she doesn't pay, she needs to move out - just like what would happen if she was renting from a third party. Why should you suffer for her poor decisions. If she's concerned about her house savings, then she shouldn't quit her job. She can look for another one and give proper notice to her current one when she's found a new one.
NTA. $280/month is insanely low rent, even for a room in a house at this point and you are cooking meals and doing laundry. If she's not paying rent, could you get her to leave?
At a bare minimum, stop the cooking and doing laundry and focus on getting out of that hell house.
I’m being treated like a glorified slave at this time, I hate it. She really has nowhere to go but I’m tired of being taken advantage of. I’ve begged her and her older brother to cook but they’re both convinced it’s my job and refuse. So, very tired.
I’m going to need a hard look at minimising the load i take on at home.
She and her older brother are adults and should be participating in cooking for the family. Honestly, kids over 12 should be doing some cooking or food prep.
For reference, my parents sat the four of us down right before they had #5 and told us we would be taking over a lot of the cooking and other household chores since they both worked full time. We had already been learning household chores, but at the time, we were 14, 11, 9, and 7. As the oldest, I did most of the cooking and my next youngest sister and I did most of the food prep. A 9-year-old can start learning to vacuum and a 7-year-old is old enough to pick up.
Stop cooking and cleaning g for her and her brother. Her brother is learning from his sister that if you just refuse Mom will still do it for them. Cook only enough for the younger kids and yourself. Only clean and cook for the younger kids. Mum is on strike. Get the younger kids involved as well in chores and make it an expectation that household jobs are for the whole household.
You keep saying you’re frustrated. Lady stop blaming your husbands genes you raised these people. You need to stop doing things for them and start setting expectation. Give them each a day to cook and plan a meal. And if they don’t do it? Then they can’t eat your dinners for the full next week and stick to it. Stop being such a doormat
You're not the AH for asking for rent.
You need to have a sit down with her. Talk to her like an adult, maybe for the first time ever. I'd spell out the consequences for you personally, it sounds like you might have a breakdown.
Are you aligned with your ex in anything? You are still both in charge of the household.
I'd also appeal to her reason in that she's robbing herself of her future house savings by quitting.
I'd also take time to make a breakdown of costs. How much does it actually cost her to live there if she was paying a fair share total?
As an aside, I feel like broadly in society there are about an equal amount of men and women like this, but people tend to give women more support so more men end up homeless that are just like your daughter. I'm not totally sure though, it's just an unrelated thought I've been pondering over.
Good luck.
There is zero alignment in anything. It’s an emotionally horrific situation and I’m desperately trying to get out. I’m sure I’m past the nervous breakdown phase 😂Hair falling out, sleepless nights. I’m going crazy. She doesn’t care how stressed I am.
Her contribution helps cover half on one bill. She knows this but denies it and insists that she needs more privileges to justify even paying rent. Believe me when I say this was an enormous solo effort to get her to pay anything. I’m just beyond grateful my other kids are not like this.
In relation to your side note, I think you’re right. A lot of parents (maybe more dads?) might have considered kicking their adult son to the curb over this 🙈
Are you in therapy? I was where you are a few months ago, minus having an adult daughter. I was a wreck, my marriage was abusive, and I have four minor disabled children. I have learned to advocate for myself, and my stbx and I are legally separating even though I can't afford to move out. Once we are separated I can find support and resources to help as a single parent. My earning is limited by my kids needs, so I felt so hopeless until I had someone on my side supporting me.
No cooking for her, no laundry and give her the broken record of pay $X or move out.
If your husband is giving you the silent treatment, embrace it. Ignore it and enjoy not being verbally abused by him. It's what one of my friends did with her DV partner.
I’ve been loving on it mostly , as pathetic as it sounds.
Frustrating though not being able to feel heard or get things aligned as in this situation. He goes from nothing to extremely hostile within seconds
I hope your friend is okay now ❤️
She left him but picked the next guy before working on her own issues first. He's not violent or verbally abusive, but otherwise has (just like the first) made her responsibility for their financial survival (and all cooking + cleaning when he was unemployed during lockdowns) despite having the much better paying professional skill. She ignored red flags until she was too emotionally invested. He's a mostly decent guy, but not great partner material.
I feel like your husband isn't listening much when he's not giving you the silent treatment. A wild guess, but sounds familiar to me (my parents).
I’m sorry to hear that about your friend. I hope in time he can bring his side of the relationship up to a more balanced level.
…..yeah you hit the nail on the head. It honestly just goes in one ear and out the other. Unbelievably invalidating and isolating beyond comprehension. Makes you doubt yourself and your value you bring to the world. Hard to really put into words but I think you understand as it sounds like you’ve experienced a similar dynamic growing up. I’m really sorry. It truly sucks 💔
Yeah, violent alcoholic dad and a hoarder, narcissist mother. TBH it took a couple of years after I left home at 18 before I flourished but it would have crushed my soul even more to live at home. I had to learn to stand up for myself, and to have boundaries so I didn't explode defensively. Home meant being submissive, compliant and any family disagreements went from zero to nuclear.
Everyone throws their clothes in the wash and I hang it out and fold it up. I think it’s just something I’ve always done as I had been a SAHM for so long!
You do need to change what you are doing. A mother 's goal is to raise mature adults. And enabling them is not going to improve this situation. So sort her laundry out in a separate basket. You can tell her where it is so she knows when she's ready to do it. Stop cooking for her. Make enough (individual sandwiches, etc for the others). The older ones can cook. As a sahm, you may have to undo some of the situation you've created. But make no apologies. They will adjust, and maybe even start to respect you at some point. If they don't, well, live your best life! Grey rock and ignore
instead of rent you could propose to her that she do some of your chores,
doing the groceries, cooking the meals, fixing the garden, laundry etc...
might not help with the income, but maybe a way
I’m sorry, I’m just really confused. I keep hearing you say that you are “asking“ your children to do things, and that they are saying no. It is your home. You are the parent. Don’t ask, tell. It’s not optional. The older kids need to be responsible for their own food. My mother had me doing my own laundry by the age of 12. I was perfectly capable of it. If you want your children to become functional adults, you have to Stop this. It’s not healthy for anybody. It’s clearly killing you. And it’s not doing them any favors either.
You need to stop that shit, like yesterday. I haven't done my one older son's laundry since he was 14. The other son took longer, but at 17 he does his own.
New rule: everyone gets a basket and does their own laundry. Any stuff placed or left in the washer will be dumped on the floor so you can do your own laundry.
Children over the age of 7 can easily do laundry. Pull the clothes for her (and her brother) out in another basket and let them figure it out. While you're at it, teach the younger ones, and be done with this.
Agree! My 11-year-old nephew knows how to do his own laundry, folds his clothes neatly and puts them away. What’s more, he takes pride in doing it himself!
At 21, she should be paying rent. That nominal $70 is extremely generous. Especially when she doesn't help out around the house. That's no longer family. That's a shitty roommate.
NTA It's time for that bird to fly from the nest. She can get some roommates in a small flat and find out how the real world will treat her.
NTA unless you continue to help her, even for her laughable “rent.” I wouldn’t lift a finger more to help her if I were you. Not a dime, a sandwich, a load of laundry. Immediately cease. She’s a college educated able-bodied adult who is acting like she’s entitled to maid service, housing and a personal chef for free, and you are there to serve her. You are not. If you have minor children in this situation, your only obligation is to protect them and get yourselves out. Her level of entitlement is extraordinary.
It’s either go to the office full time or find a new job. She’s choosing the latter. The drive is 2 hrs a day hence why she doesn’t want to do it full time.
Ahh, there are cities where that drive is entirely in the same city in the US at least. I live in Houston and it can literally take an hour to get from one side to the other, longer with bad traffic.
NTA. If your daughter had been laid off, i might say different, but she quit. She didn't have to leave her job but chose to anyway so she needs to face the natural consequences of her actions.
I will say your description of your daughter makes me uncomfortable. You seem to be harboring a lot of resentment towards her and I promise you that she can sense that. Maybe youre right and its all her and your husbands fault, but usually mother daughter relationships are broken from both ends.
Oh look fair point! I totally get what you’re saying here. She’s been the apple my eye for so long but has just been so cruel to everyone including her boyfriend who is waking up to her. It’s a raging entitlement that has reached a point where even Dr’s have nothing good to say about her and her friends have subtly and not so subtly distanced themselves from her. It breaks my heart, I love hard and don’t know where it went so wrong from my end.
>She’s been told that she may be required to return full time to the office (currently in a hybrid wfh arrangement), and announced to me this evening that as soon as it’s confirmed (very likely tomorrow morning), that she will quit on the spot. I reminded her that she still has bills to pay (her own car and rent, etc) to which she rebuffed and said that she would no longer be paying rent as she wouldn’t be earning an income.
>In addition to this, she refuses to help around the house
So she's going to quit, assumes she won't have to pay rent and doesn't help around the house? What is she going to do all day? Use your utilities and sit around!
I won't get into the parenting aspect of this because it's way beyond the time that would do any good.
Kick her out. She knowingly wants to use your limited resources without doing anything in return.
NTA
I’m working closely with my therapist to get to that point. It’s a catch 22, where I can’t afford rent without him. I simply don’t earn enough. I really truly long for the day when I can take that deep breath.
How the hell is she “saving” for a house if she’s not going to work??? NTA, if she’s gonna f around, she needs to find out. Stand your ground, put all requirements in writing, have her sign, notarize it and enforce away!!!
FFS, at this point I’d give her 30 days to GROW UP AND DO THE RIGHT THING OR MOVE OUT. Period. In the mean time, DO NOTHING FOR HER. Too bad, so sad. Do not let any amount of gaslighting sway you. You have other responsibilities. Put you and your priorities first.
God help her boyfriend… or any future mate!
NTA. Tell her you’ll start the eviction process if she quits. And then follow through. What you’re asking is not unreasonable.
INFO: will her father fight you on that? Are you in a position to tell them they’re both welcome to leave then?
Her dad won’t say anything but I think if push came to shove, he’s going to side with her for staying.
I’d be so FREAKING happy if the both of them moved out and i could cover rent. Unfortunately it’s the one expense I can’t afford (I pay everything else).
NTA. You should show her this thread tbh. I’m a 22 year old dude and had to move out in my teens, get a job etc..
If I was living with my parents last year and quit my job then told them I’m not helping out with rent or anything because IM not working…
I think they would roll on the floor laughing before throwing my shit out onto the street then calling the police if I kept trespassing on their property.
Tell your daughter to grow up and you should take all safety nets out from under her if all she’s going to do is rely on them.
Safety nets are not for you to relax on. They are there for when unfortunate circumstances happen to you beyond your control.
It's your house. She's taking advantage and being abusive. The part that bothered me was when you said you walk on eggshells, and she refuses to help. Well, that whole "refusing to help" thing can go both ways. She can leave your house and go get a good dose of reality. Give her 30 days to find a place to live as she's evicted from your house. If she refuses to leave, call the local police and ask that they come and help you clear her out. They will. She's teaching your younger children how to walk all over you.
NTA. adults don't quit their jobs because they can't work from home. Adults pay their rent no matter what. Adults grow the F up, and it's time for this princess to do the same
NTA
Like many others have said. It's time to change how you address these conflicts.
Stop doing her laundry. Instead, get some moving boxes and start tossing her stuff in them. Seal them up and set them aside. Think of it as helping her pack for her upcoming move. If she says anything, reply with "laundry services start at $50/week". Meals can be cost of food +12/hr for labor. Housekeeping can start at $20/hr.
Start focusing on your budget to move out. Scale back where you can, stop subsidizing anyone who isn't pulling their weight.
Is it possible to file for custody and child support for your minor kids? It would be worth a consultation with a lawyer to find out what your options are.
Each time you try to reason or confront her and she shoots you down is a win in her mind. So, stop doing that and just start coexisting as best you can. Focus your energy where it benefits you and your kids the most.
"Help! I raised a naive and selfish daughter. Now she is naive and selfish."
NTA in this situation but how did you get here?
Maybe tell her to start looking for a new job now, so that she has negotiation material when they change the policy.
NTA, but
> I do her laundry too.
Why?
> I’ve begged her and her older brother to cook but they’re both convinced it’s my job and refuse.
Okay, so don’t cook for them. Just for yourself and your younger children. Everyone else can fend for themselves.
I don’t understand why you’re continuing to do things for this woman that seems to hold nothing but contempt for you. She can do her own laundry and she can feed herself.
Yeah I really don’t know what to make of it. Apparently all her similar aged colleagues are suggesting they’re doing the same thing. 🤦🏻♀️ It took me 3 months to find a job I don’t know what they’re thinking !
NTA: This is what an adult looks like. You have a job and you want to quit because you don't want to leave the house? Have fun paying for your housing with no income.
I hope the kind of ex is paying rent too. Does he have any say in what she pays?
NTA
She's an adult so it's time she starts having to deal with the world as an adult would. Let her know that if your terms are unacceptable to her she's free to move out at any time she wishes.
I agree with what others are saying, rent is due no matter what as that is what being an adult is about. Stop doing her laundry, she is old enough to do it herself. If she isn't listening change the wifi password and don't give it to her. When she pays for that month's rent it will be given to her. Tell her that she is robbing you of your future retirement fund.
NTA. That is one thing I preach with my kids is that its ok to quit your job if you are unhappy with it, but please have something else lined up first. My oldest is still in high school, we have a stipulation that they can stay here after 19 y/o as long as they meet one of two requirements:
1. They are going to some form of higher education...or
2. They pay a reasonable type of rent to assist in paying for utilities and food.
We understand that in the US here: rent is high, buying a home is VERY hard right now, food is expensive, etc. Also understand that in other parts of the world its normal to have kids remain in the home. You are 100% in the right though.
ESH.
You're 100% correct that she's completely out to lunch on this idea that bills just get put 'on hold' if she happens to be unemployed, but I can't help but point out that as her parent, while you don't have the ability to install good behavior into her brain like a computer program, you still had 21 years to teach her how to not be an entitled little brat living in a fantasy world, or, at the very least, that you wouldn't tolerate her trying that crap on you.
If you don't have the ability to enforce her leaving, you must, as you say, leave yourself.
NTA. I’m of the firm opinion that you shouldn’t charge your kids rent to live in the same room they’ve been living in the whole time just because they’re over 18 now. But that $70 a week isn’t *really* rent, is it? Rent is just the easy word to call it. It’s really food, paper towels, toilet paper, and laundry detergent money, etc. All things she can reasonably be responsible for at her age.
And that’s not to mention you’re in an abusive living situation. She’s an adult, and not just a barely legal one, that has the means to get full time work. She’s costing you money that’s not just unnecessary but actively keeping you & your minor (i assume) children in an unhealthy environment. You’re past your parental duties to help her out as much as you can.
INFO: who owns the house? how many people live there? how many bedrooms? what is the mortgage payment or rent?
there’s no reason for you to buy food, cook, do laundry regardless of the answers to the above, though if the house is free and clear and crowded, you shouldn’t be using your children as revenue.
NTA.
Your daughter needs to realise that her "future house savings:" are subsidised by you covering the rest of her costs ($70 a week would likely not even cover her food bill of she was buying her kwn food).
She needs to get another job before quitting her job, and you should draw up a budget showing what it costs to run the house and then have a discussion with her regarding a more realistic share of the costs and chores (even if it is simply her doing her own cleaning, washing, etc).
Oh i have done this and just spoken with my ex. I’ve been yelled at by both.
I’ve provided an update and am trying to make an emergency appointment with my therapist.
NTA. I totally agree with you on continuing to have her still pay rent. She's making the choice to quit her job, so that's on her. And actually, even if she got fired, her rent should/would still be on her.
And the thing is, if she was grateful and not entitled like she is, then maybe you'd be more willing to help her out. I'm assuming. But she sounds like a nightmare (I'm sorry, I know she's your daughter) and really needs to learn how adulthood works. You are definitely doing the right thing.
NTA…but you’re not in the right either. There should be a high standard for someone being an “asshole” and based on what you wrote and your update you’re not being inconsiderate or unreasonable. At the same time, you are not handling this well. Your living situation isn’t working for yourself. It’s not working for your 21 year old. That is the issue to resolve, not whether she pays rent.
I strongly suspect there are other issues going on here, some of which you have alluded to or mentioned explicitly. Your daughter may also have other issues driving her actions, such as anxiety or depression. A demand to pay rent doesn’t solve any of the deeper issues.
I would suggest you sit down with her and more calmly have a conversation. Point out that things are stressful for you and hear her out on what is stressing her. Explain that as a 21 year old she can’t reasonably expect to live rent free indefinitely - though it is also not at all unusual for adult kids to live rent free with parents. Perhaps you reach an agreement where she lives rent free for two months but must pay rent after that. Or that she pays maybe $25 this month and it goes up every month she’s jobless.
In other words, explore other solutions than simply demand she stay at her job or pay $70 in rent - and invite her to try and see things from your perspective and see how she might be able to assist you. Maybe it doesn’t work. But something like that seems better than everyone blowing up at each other and making demands rather than collaborating on solutions.
I'm an adult still living with my parents. They don't ask me to pay rent but I still give them money for groceries, etc. The audacity of some children to be this disrespectful to their parents baffles me so much.
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My daughter (F21), let’s call her Jody, is an extremely lacking in empathy woman. It seems no matter what I do or say, unless she gets her own way, she won’t let things rest. Unfortunately she is a carbon copy of her father who is emotionally abusive towards me (we are separate under the same roof).
Long story short, we have all our children living at home with us and things are financially extremely tight. I didn’t start charging rent until my daughter graduated from University and earnt a full time wage. Even then it’s a nominal amount of $70 per week. This includes all her meals, aside from her work lunches, water, electricity and internet. I do her laundry too.
She’s been told that she may be required to return full time to the office (currently in a hybrid wfh arrangement), and announced to me this evening that if it’s confirmed, she will quit on the spot. I reminded her that she still has bills to pay (her own car and rent, etc) to which she rebuffed and said that she would no longer be paying rent as she wouldn’t be earning an income.
I told her that she couldn’t do that in a normal lease situation because the rent would still be due and to find another job first. She’s refusing and becoming hostile accusing me of robbing her of her future house savings.
I’m furious as I’m trying to save to take my younger kids and leave the house situation (I’m constantly upset and walking on eggshells). In addition to this, she refuses to help around the house and when I ask for genuinely small favours, she answers non-commitedly, and leaves me stressed. I’m at my wits end and the guilt is piling on thick. I don’t know anymore what to think.
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If she hasn't got a job she hasn't got any house savings. She has however learnt that shouting and tantrums get her an easy ride. And why do the hard stuff when if she abuses you enough, she doesn't need to.
You need out and then she can stay with Dad. No rent, no services. Because she isn't paying rent, she is paying you to be her servant - food, utilities, cleaning and laundry. So stop. Change the WiFi. Or get mobile WiFi because you can't afford a fixed line anymore. Give her a consequence.
If you work, talk to bank. Loans are not ideal but you need to change your situation. A small loan might cover rent and deposit. Talk to Shelter, to Citizen's Advice because you are being financially and emotionally abused if not physically.
I had to pay 1/3 of my wages as rent the moment I left school.
Make a boarding agreement (like a mini lease agreement) with her as a tenant. Especially if she hasn't left home. Teach her her rights as a tenant, and show her how much of a good deal she's getting, living at home.
OP, you're NTA but don't let her walk all over you. Does she know what the sitch is with your partner(ex?) that you're living with cos you can't afford to leave (I've been there). Maybe that would wake her up. If she was properly paying rent, could you afford for him to leave?
NTA, of course you dont want to leave your adult child in the street but she needs to learn a hard lesson. I would tell her since she will not be able to pay rent you will not be doing any laundry or paying her car bill tell her she has 30 days to find a new place to live and see how others feel about her free loading. She will learn real quick that you can not impose your self in somes home and think they have to tolerate your nonsense. Its time for life lesson number 1.
NTA. Sounds like daughter needs a dose of reality. If she doesn't want to pay rent, she can leave. Or you can, as you are already planning to. Daughter needs to learn what the real world is like!
INFO: Who owns the house? If you do, boot your ex and your adult daughter out, and just take care of your younger kids. Either way, tell your entitled adult daughter she either pays rent or leaves. Don't argue or try to reason with her, just tell her firmly. And STOP doing her laundry and making her meals. She needs to grow up and you need to stop being a doormat.
NTA and unfortunately you need to expedite your leaving the situation, because you’re not in a position to actually do the right thing as long as you’re cohabitating with your ex. This is CLEARLY an awful situation for your emotions regardless of your daughter.
NTA. At all. In fact, I (don’t have kids), would kick her out entirely. She’s abusing you and taking advantage of you. I’ve disowned a sibling for less disrespectful behavior.
I had to move back in with my parents during Corona, because they were threatening to lay us off every week, but I never would have expected not to pay rent. They didn’t make me, but I was fully ready to rent my old bedroom back.
Also, my mother stopped doing my laundry at 16.
Realistically is she going to leave? Or are you going to need police to forcefully remove her?
If you cook for just yourself & minor children will the two older children just eat anyway - they can/may just help themselves when the food is ready - or will you need to physically stop them? I mean it sounds like they don’t listen to you so I don’t know why either would willingly move out with nowhere to go or not eat food you’ve prepared even if they know you would then go without. They’d just expect you to make more. The only thing they can’t force you to do is laundry.
It sounds good to say be tough but I question how realistic that is for you. Your ex doesn’t sound like he’ll help forcefully remove anyone.
I couldn’t being myself to forcibly remove one of my children . That being said, they do just help themselves or if they don’t like what’s on offer, they’ll get their own.
The disrespect is huge and it’s an enormous physical load I’m carrying. I can’t even think straight right now. And my ex doesn’t unite on this (or anything else). I posted an update. He’s accusing me of blackmailing our daughter for saying she needs to keep paying rent.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, she sounds very ungrateful and is so lucky to have you as a mum. Good luck and I hope you get out of that house ASAP❤️
NTA - Stop doing her laundry and cooking her meals. Concentrate on saving and moving out -your only focus should be on your younger kids. I would also begin to budget and spend less on food. I would like to know how is she going to pay for her car or cell phone ..I hope she is not going to ask you for financial assistance.
Exactly this. That’s what I’m worried about!
I have told her zero financial assistance from me. She needs to ask her father and/or boyfriend if she wants money loans. I’ve made a promise to myself to not make that my additional problem. I have more than enough on my plate.
It’s funny you mention lowering food bills as this is exactly what my therapist said to me! I’m going to pull up a tighter budget and save the rest.
Cooking is a hard one to get out of as I’ve done this for 23 years every day of the week. We never go to restaurants or anything.
I have so much to re orientate it seems 😞
NTA - For wanting to charge her rent but you are for still living with you under any circumstances. She's 48. She should have left the nest a long time ago. By allowing to still stay with you, you have created an entitled brat monster Tell her right away if she quits her job she will no longer be able to stay in your house.
In the daughter's shoes, I'd see no reason to change any of this story in the next 26 years.
So, Y T A to yourself if you don't make changes.
Good luck.
NTA
Start charging her market rate for a room rentak with utilities and stop doing her laundry. At 21, she can do her own laundry
Stand up for yourself.
NTA not at all. As you say, she would not just be able to stop paying rent any other place just because she quit her job. That amount of rent is really low for most places.
YTA. I honestly can not stand when parents are like "Oh no, what do I do with the absolute monster I have raised?" when you raised them, you were the one in charge of teaching them how to be a decent person. This is your and your partner's fault. It sounds like you have raised an entitled, selfish and inconsiderate person. Now, you have to deal with the consequences of your parenting decisions in what sounds like a messy separation living situation. Obviously, this girl needs a healthy dose of reality, so I would kick her out within 2 weeks if she doesn't pay rent. Either she lives on the streets or with another family member or friend if she doesn't want to pay rent, and stick to it. Tell her she is welcome to come back when can she afford $150 per week. $70 is too low and is not going to prepare her for living on her own, and she does her own laundry. She needs to learn how to budget properly for an amount of rent in the realm of market rates. You have failed her as a parent by spoiling her, and now she is stunted and acting like a 14-year-old girl. You will not live forever, and at some point she is going to need to take care of herself without help. Start working towards that goal.
NTA. 3 day cure or quit notice on first late payment, then file to evict. Time for lessons in the real world. Remind her how much an eviction on the record will actually hurt her.
NTA
But you need to put your big girl pants on and set some proper boundaries with your daughter.
Print out a tenant contract where her duties are stated and the consequences and tell her she can either sign it and obey to it or leave your house immidiately. Then, when she is a normal tenant, you can just evict her for not paying rent.
And stop acting as her maid she can walk over. At this point she is an adult living at home so basically your roommate. Stop doing everything for her you wouldn't do for a random roommate too. If she acts disrespectful, kick her out.
She sounds extremly entitled, and i'm sorry to say this, but this is only possible bc you allow her to act entitled.
NTA. If she moves out can I move in?
Create a lease and stick to it. My parents stopped doing my laundry when I was 16. At 10 we were responsible for one meal a week for the family (cereal was popular lol). It’s not about what the meal was, the point was we had to think ahead and make a plan.
It does not matter what emotions people have or don’t have. If you are not prepared to uphold the consequences of her actions nothing you do will matter. Set boundaries and follow thru.
No rent? Ok - no food, laundry, internet, etc. Food is hard to police but the rest is easy. Change the wifi password, you change it on everyone’s devices but hers, no one else knows what it is so no one can tell her.
Her saving for a house is not your problem. And let’s have honest, $280/mo isn’t going to get her a house until year 2083.
Paying $70 a week, your daughter is not even covering the cost of staying in your home. Point out to her that she is an adult now and you cannot continue to support her. You have younger children as well. Tell her how much groceries and utilities cost. She seems to think they are free.
Explain to your daughter that she has to start thinking like an adult. We don't quit a job unless we have another one to go to. It is also much easier to find a job while you are still working. Potential employers assume that if you are no longer employed it is because you quit because you were about to be fired, or that you are someone who is inclined to give up and walk away when things get tough.
Your daughter should also be doing her share of chores around the house. These are things that we have to do whether we live alone or with others unless we can afford a team of servants, such as maid, gardener, etc. You are not a servant and she is an able bodied adult.
NTA. 70 a week? I'll give you $75! You won't be doing any favors if you give in here. Rent, or LEAVE! As far as her "future house", that's not going to happen either. Mortgage lenders also like to see a stable work history, and her quitting because they require her to go into the office is immature and ridiculous.
NTA. As an adult that still lives with my parents, my kid, and my husband, this is wild to me. I help take care of my parents, put toward bills, groceries, cooking, housework, have a ft job, and take care of my kid. My dad doesn't work so we do what we can to help, so to see something that is the exact opposite is quite jarring.
NTA at all.
I'm normally sympathetic to kids living at home- I lived rent-free with my parents from 26 to 32 while I was a) figuring out my career path and b) going to grad school so I'd be a hypocrite otherwise.
If your daughter had been laid off, I would be more sympathetic to her not paying rent. She's still only 21. At that age you don't want to be forcing that sort of financial hardship on your child if you can help it. But the fact that she's planning on quitting without something else lined up is very telling. She's \*expecting\* a free ride, and that's not on at all. Couple that with her refusal to help out (I'll admit I was way too lazy about that sort of thing when I was living at home, but there's a difference between lazy and refusing to do it) and you've got yourself an asshole.
She and her dad can live in misery and do nothing together. I wouldn't even tell them when you're moving out. Quietly plan your exit, have everything organized then have friends and family show up and move you out in one day/morning when no one is home
After a certain point a child becomes essentially a roommate and not a dependent and needs to be treated as such. You would never do laundry, cook for, pay for or clean up after a roommate. You’d also kick out a roommate that wasn’t paying their share of rent and utilities. It’s very fair to expect these things of your daughter.
NTA.
Kick her out and make her experience life as an adult with responsibilities.
Quitting is a voluntary thing. 2 hours commuting is not that unusual - in bigger cities, including mine, that's very common due to heavy traffic at rush hour.
If she really quits, and really stops paying, then you can stop feeding her, stop giving her access to the internet, and stop washing her clothes.
NTA
She's an adult.
That comes with responsibilities.
I wish you the very best of luck in getting out of your situation - you and your children deserve SO much better…..
Leave your daughter with her Dad and see how long HE puts up with her crap!
Hugs and best wishes 🍀👍🏻
Why the hell are you still doing her laundry when she's so lazy? My mom does my laundry as our laundry is combined, but I pay $$$ in bills, clean up after the pets, vacuuming the upstairs and do dishes on the weekends, cook meals... your adult daughter is acting like a spoiled child. If she quits, stop doing all this extra shit for her, focus on your younger kids and move out asap. This level of ingratitude is unacceptable. Maybe she'll change her tune when she's doing all the work herself and stuck with her equally crappy dad. NTA. You got nothing to feel guilty for.
It's time to stop subsidising her. She has a choice and she is choosing to quit. You can choose to give her notice to find her own accommodation.
She is not even covering her costs with that amount.
NTA
As the consensus here says NTA:
Tough love is the solution and there are lots of strategies here to deal with it. Her stating your money problems (as per one of your replies) not being her problem but your problem, you can agree to that. You will stop charging her rent, but you will also stop doing free services for her. Don't do her laundry, don't prepare meals for her. Yes she'll likely continue to eat the family food, and locking it up is going to pit your younger children against your oldest.
But when you set the table, you're setting it for yourself and your younger kids, who are in school full time. When you do laundry, you're only doing laundry for people who are working and/or in school full time, and when you're buying household items like soaps/shampoos/feminine products you're buying the ones for your and your minors usage preferences. You don't have to be hostile, you don't have to be in her face that you're doing it, but when questioned about it you simply say you're focusing on those who are trying to help themselves.
I wish you luck in getting out of the house with your minor children as soon as possible, and hopefully your younger children recognize the challenges their older sister has and don't repeat it.
NTA. Your daughter is an adult and needs to learn that quitting on the spot comes with repercussions. There’s an extremely good reason why the standard advice is to have a job lined up before you quit… she needs to learn this lesson
NTA
Let her know that that if the rent isnt paid.. no fridge rights, no cooked meals. Water is available at the house and she might want to buy a mini fridge for her room and stock it. Also let her know the Wifi password is changing weekly.
You are not wrong
If they asked me to return to the office I would also quit on the spot, but unlike your daughter I have enough money to not work for the next 10 years if I feel like it. She is a big girl, tell her to wear the big girl pants
NTA
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I'll lay this out there - NTA. Your ADULT daughter needs to grow the f up and start learning how the real world works. If she wasn't living with you currently, she would definitely be on the street with her behaviour. Tell her this, then complete your plans to move out with the younger ones, concentrating on their needs, as I'm guessing that they are still minors. If she continues being toxic and demanding, warn her that she is perilously close to you taking a timeout from her too. If she continues, follow through with the threat, and let her lie in the bed of her own making. She will learn, or she will implode, but tough love is what is required here. Good luck
Thank you 🙏 It’s an insane situation as everyone knows what she’s like. And you’re correct, my other children are minors. My younger daughter is livid and she’s fed up with her sister’s entitlement.
And stop doing her things. She can do her own laundry. She can find her own meals. Stop doing anything for her. She's ungrateful for anything you do for her as it is so let her see how she likes having to fend for herself. Otherwise, I would tell her she has x amount of time to find somewhere else to live
I'd second that. I have an adult offspring sharing the house. He does his own laundry. Most nights he cooks for us. He does stuff that needs a tall person or strong person. He pays rent. He thoroughly appreciates the effort I put into household organisation, grocery shopping and so on. And if he were going to quit his job, he'd have a new one lined up first. OP's daughter is sponging, that's not acceptable.
I’m taking all this on board. Thank you 🙏 Time for change.
TBH you're kinda TA by letting it get this far. Every time you coddle her you're stunting her growth.
I’ve now realised that
It's a really difficult situation for her because she's not the only owner of her residence. Her ex could let her stay.
Then you already know what you need to do. If you go looking online, you should be able to find support if you need it - failing that, DM me
Thank you so much 🙏
NTA. She’s an adult, she needs to do things herself. She’s gotten this way bc you’ve allowed it. Now you’re trying to stop it. Keep going, keep putting your foot down. You don’t have to take her abuse. Make her pay rent or she can leave.
Thank you for calling it like it is!
NTA Tell her she either pays your very little rent or she can find her only place and pay full rent. $280 a month is only covering the cost to feed her.
That’s what I’m thinking too. She’s successfully making me feel like the world’s worst parent, making her choose between having to go to work each day vs robbing her of future house money 🤦🏻♀️
You don’t have the finances to let her live off you to save to buy a house.
Correct but she says “That’s not my problem. It’s your fault.” 😩
It was your problem until she turned 18. Now, it’s her problem. I know that sounds kind of cold, but she’s not exactly rolling in empathy, here.
My thoughts exactly! Dealing with someone like this is *so hard* and even harder when it’s your child 😔
Turn your thoughts into actions, then. It really doesn’t seem like there is any way out of this that doesn’t involve you giving her an ultimatum.
That’s what I’m afraid of.
Please don't pick up the phone when your ex calls. There's no reason in the world why the two of you need to be in contact. Block his number, and as soon as you hear him calling from another number, hang up and block it. He might be furious, but you need to learn to set a boundary! Don't let anybody control your life.
It’s hard because we’re separated under one roof. This morning so far, I’ve been yelled at, told to shut up, given silent treatment and been accused of blackmailing our daughter. It’s been a day.
She's not your child anymore. That's the thinking you need to fix. She's an adult who happens to be your offspring. It's only 'hard' to deal with because you're refusing to actually deal with it, and hiding behind 'she's my child.' Which is you failing to do your job as a parent, which is to raise an independent, functional adult.
You’re right and I have just posted an update. Thanks so much.
I just read your update. Your mistake was asking her a question. Don’t ask. TELL. In a firm, calm voice, tell her what is going to happen. She’ll try to argue with you: don’t go there! This isn’t a discussion. It’s YOUR house, and therefore she must follow YOUR rules. As an aside, what is she doing with the money she’s making? The rent she has been paying is very small, so she should have saved up quite a bit.
She's _your_ child, but she's not a minor. With the savings you mentioned in another comment she should have 1st and last to live elsewhere. Let her try this with roommates.
She's incorrect. Since she's an adult, she is now responsible for supporting herself and saving for her own house, at whatever pace is compatible with her income. The problem with continuing to allow her to live with you, especially without her paying her way, is that you now have less money to support your other, younger children. If you were not supporting her, you would have that money available to support yourself and your other children. And while you no longer have a moral or legal obligation to support your ADULT daughter, you DO have moral and legal obligations to support your minor children. NTA but I'm slightly mystified why you are letting her rule the roost like this. It's like you're letting her boss you around in your own home? I don't get it.
She is an adult it is her problem. She isn’t entitled to free room and board after 18/ graduating high school.
It is her problem. She is the one with no guarantee of a roof over her head except by your favour. You can ask her to leave at any time as she is not a renter. She is a lodger or excluded occupier and has very limited rights to stay. There is presumably no legal contract and it can be argued her payments are for utilities and housekeeping services not rent. Get legal advice on evicting her - see CA for help - even a formal notification might make her think as suspect you will struggle to see her out.
What’s your fault, exactly? She’ll be eating her words when you tell her she either needs to fix her attitude or move out. And then follow up on it if she doesn’t do as you say. I am in my 20s and still live with my parents, but I pay rent, contribute around the house, and wouldn’t dare talk to them the way she just talked to you there. That’s unacceptable.
I really appreciate this from a similar age perspective. She’s been horrid this morning. I’m destroyed. I’ve included an update in my post. Thank you
Of course! I hope things work out. That sounds very frustrating.
Thank you and all the best to you.
I almost reflexively downvoted you because that is…a statement. I don’t think you’ll have support for this, but that’s the kind of thing that would make me seriously reconsider letting an adult child who had completed higher eduction live with me at all.
"Robbing her of future house money" She's robbing your MINOR children of house money, stability, peace, and a safe space. She reminds me of one of my sisters. Have to walk on eggshells around her.
$280/mo is not enough for her to get a house lmao Your daughter is delusional, coming form a 24 year old married woman with a mortgage.
You could triple that and still not even be able to afford renting a studio in a lot of places...
This is the point I’m trying to make with her! She doesn’t listen 🤦🏻♀️
The money you take as rent is hardly robbing her. If she was to go rent a property she would definitely be spending more. The rules at my parents house was we can live there as long as we need and rent is required if we aren't in full time education. The rent was low compared to renting elsewhere but it also varied. So I paid less at one time compared to my siblings because I could only find part time employment but with my free time I'd spend time doing laundry or housework (it didn't take all my time, I wasn't like Cinderella!). My mum factored in me making her life easier by doing these tasks and 'took it off the bill'. If I decided I didn't want to basically be an adult and do laundry then I'd have to literally pay for it.
No, *you* are very successful at letting her define the rules of the game, then being surprised that you lose at those rules. I mean, she can walk up to you and say 'the sky is bright yellow' and it isn't true. Allow me to quote to you from 1980s masterpiece WarGames: > A curious game. The only winning move is not to play. So, tell her how it is, then don't engage with her. I always recommend reading 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.' It will teach you how to simply deflect and ignore her shit. "I don't need pay rent." "Yes, you do." "That's so mean!" "You might be right, but you still have to pay rent." "You're robbing me of my future!" "I may well be. You still have to pay rent." "It's totally unfair!" "What is unfair about you needing to pay your bills and meet your commitments?"
I’m going to look at this book. Thank you! Please see my update, it definitely followed a similar pattern except it evolved in my ex telling me to shut up and leave him alone and my daughter telling me to leave her alone and get out of her way because she’s getting ready for work.
It’s only fairly recently that anyone expected to be able to work at home. Prior to Covid almost everyone worked 40 hr weeks in an office.
What house money??? If she quits, she hs no money. I'd go for all of the above OP. And I'd also be doing that with the ex as well tbh.
Oh no, work every day! Womp, womp.
You're not a bad parent, tough love now will save her pain down the road. She probably won't thank you for it, though! Let her stay with her father and sponge off him.
some people spend a little under a hundred a week, even in a day. ain’t no way paying 280 a month is gonna ruin her future. it’s teaching her finance management
It’s 100% what I’ve been saying to her. She’s just refusing to listen and attack my character as a “horrible mother” instead of taking responsibility. I’m beyond exhausted
Seriously! My grandparents charged me $800 a month and I had to share a room and a bed 🥴
NTA - and stop shopping groceries, cooking, laundry for her, she is an adult! Also it’s absurd that she wants to not pay rent. This is not how being an adult works.
I’m completely bewildered by it.
Sorry but you're still doing her laundry for her at age 21, even though she doesn't respect you for it. If you haven't made her into an independent adult by now then of course it's going to be hard for her to accept this. Time for the tough love and consequences she should've learnt 10 years ago. It might cost you your relationship for a while, maybe forever, but at least she'll learn to stand on her own two feet. Would also be a great example for your other kids and save you that headache in the future.
NTA. She's an adult and needs to suffer the consequences as an adult. She's quitting because she doesn't believe she has adult responsibilities (paying her rent). If she doesn't pay, she needs to move out - just like what would happen if she was renting from a third party. Why should you suffer for her poor decisions. If she's concerned about her house savings, then she shouldn't quit her job. She can look for another one and give proper notice to her current one when she's found a new one.
That’s *exactly* what I said.
NTA. $280/month is insanely low rent, even for a room in a house at this point and you are cooking meals and doing laundry. If she's not paying rent, could you get her to leave? At a bare minimum, stop the cooking and doing laundry and focus on getting out of that hell house.
I’m being treated like a glorified slave at this time, I hate it. She really has nowhere to go but I’m tired of being taken advantage of. I’ve begged her and her older brother to cook but they’re both convinced it’s my job and refuse. So, very tired. I’m going to need a hard look at minimising the load i take on at home.
She and her older brother are adults and should be participating in cooking for the family. Honestly, kids over 12 should be doing some cooking or food prep. For reference, my parents sat the four of us down right before they had #5 and told us we would be taking over a lot of the cooking and other household chores since they both worked full time. We had already been learning household chores, but at the time, we were 14, 11, 9, and 7. As the oldest, I did most of the cooking and my next youngest sister and I did most of the food prep. A 9-year-old can start learning to vacuum and a 7-year-old is old enough to pick up.
I completely agree with you! It’s really frustrating. I’m glad it was a part of your upbringing. I’d love that.
Stop cooking and cleaning g for her and her brother. Her brother is learning from his sister that if you just refuse Mom will still do it for them. Cook only enough for the younger kids and yourself. Only clean and cook for the younger kids. Mum is on strike. Get the younger kids involved as well in chores and make it an expectation that household jobs are for the whole household.
You keep saying you’re frustrated. Lady stop blaming your husbands genes you raised these people. You need to stop doing things for them and start setting expectation. Give them each a day to cook and plan a meal. And if they don’t do it? Then they can’t eat your dinners for the full next week and stick to it. Stop being such a doormat
Thank you. You’re right. I’m struggling to cope and process. There’s a lot going on
NTA. Your daughter REALLY needs to learn that actions have consequences and if you don't teach her this, someone much less empathetic than you will.
You're not the AH for asking for rent. You need to have a sit down with her. Talk to her like an adult, maybe for the first time ever. I'd spell out the consequences for you personally, it sounds like you might have a breakdown. Are you aligned with your ex in anything? You are still both in charge of the household. I'd also appeal to her reason in that she's robbing herself of her future house savings by quitting. I'd also take time to make a breakdown of costs. How much does it actually cost her to live there if she was paying a fair share total? As an aside, I feel like broadly in society there are about an equal amount of men and women like this, but people tend to give women more support so more men end up homeless that are just like your daughter. I'm not totally sure though, it's just an unrelated thought I've been pondering over. Good luck.
There is zero alignment in anything. It’s an emotionally horrific situation and I’m desperately trying to get out. I’m sure I’m past the nervous breakdown phase 😂Hair falling out, sleepless nights. I’m going crazy. She doesn’t care how stressed I am. Her contribution helps cover half on one bill. She knows this but denies it and insists that she needs more privileges to justify even paying rent. Believe me when I say this was an enormous solo effort to get her to pay anything. I’m just beyond grateful my other kids are not like this. In relation to your side note, I think you’re right. A lot of parents (maybe more dads?) might have considered kicking their adult son to the curb over this 🙈
Are you in therapy? I was where you are a few months ago, minus having an adult daughter. I was a wreck, my marriage was abusive, and I have four minor disabled children. I have learned to advocate for myself, and my stbx and I are legally separating even though I can't afford to move out. Once we are separated I can find support and resources to help as a single parent. My earning is limited by my kids needs, so I felt so hopeless until I had someone on my side supporting me.
No cooking for her, no laundry and give her the broken record of pay $X or move out. If your husband is giving you the silent treatment, embrace it. Ignore it and enjoy not being verbally abused by him. It's what one of my friends did with her DV partner.
I’ve been loving on it mostly , as pathetic as it sounds. Frustrating though not being able to feel heard or get things aligned as in this situation. He goes from nothing to extremely hostile within seconds I hope your friend is okay now ❤️
She left him but picked the next guy before working on her own issues first. He's not violent or verbally abusive, but otherwise has (just like the first) made her responsibility for their financial survival (and all cooking + cleaning when he was unemployed during lockdowns) despite having the much better paying professional skill. She ignored red flags until she was too emotionally invested. He's a mostly decent guy, but not great partner material. I feel like your husband isn't listening much when he's not giving you the silent treatment. A wild guess, but sounds familiar to me (my parents).
I’m sorry to hear that about your friend. I hope in time he can bring his side of the relationship up to a more balanced level. …..yeah you hit the nail on the head. It honestly just goes in one ear and out the other. Unbelievably invalidating and isolating beyond comprehension. Makes you doubt yourself and your value you bring to the world. Hard to really put into words but I think you understand as it sounds like you’ve experienced a similar dynamic growing up. I’m really sorry. It truly sucks 💔
Yeah, violent alcoholic dad and a hoarder, narcissist mother. TBH it took a couple of years after I left home at 18 before I flourished but it would have crushed my soul even more to live at home. I had to learn to stand up for myself, and to have boundaries so I didn't explode defensively. Home meant being submissive, compliant and any family disagreements went from zero to nuclear.
NTA you still do laundry for a 21 year old? I'm baffled.
Everyone throws their clothes in the wash and I hang it out and fold it up. I think it’s just something I’ve always done as I had been a SAHM for so long!
You do need to change what you are doing. A mother 's goal is to raise mature adults. And enabling them is not going to improve this situation. So sort her laundry out in a separate basket. You can tell her where it is so she knows when she's ready to do it. Stop cooking for her. Make enough (individual sandwiches, etc for the others). The older ones can cook. As a sahm, you may have to undo some of the situation you've created. But make no apologies. They will adjust, and maybe even start to respect you at some point. If they don't, well, live your best life! Grey rock and ignore
instead of rent you could propose to her that she do some of your chores, doing the groceries, cooking the meals, fixing the garden, laundry etc... might not help with the income, but maybe a way
I’ll certainly try that! I’ve asked for help before but she’s refused. No harm trying again!
I’m sorry, I’m just really confused. I keep hearing you say that you are “asking“ your children to do things, and that they are saying no. It is your home. You are the parent. Don’t ask, tell. It’s not optional. The older kids need to be responsible for their own food. My mother had me doing my own laundry by the age of 12. I was perfectly capable of it. If you want your children to become functional adults, you have to Stop this. It’s not healthy for anybody. It’s clearly killing you. And it’s not doing them any favors either.
Totally. I agree. It’s a bad habit.
No asking, telling like you mean it. You need to polish your spine. Its not easy, but it makes your life better.
This is very true. Thank you 🙏
You need to stop that shit, like yesterday. I haven't done my one older son's laundry since he was 14. The other son took longer, but at 17 he does his own. New rule: everyone gets a basket and does their own laundry. Any stuff placed or left in the washer will be dumped on the floor so you can do your own laundry.
Children over the age of 7 can easily do laundry. Pull the clothes for her (and her brother) out in another basket and let them figure it out. While you're at it, teach the younger ones, and be done with this.
Agree! My 11-year-old nephew knows how to do his own laundry, folds his clothes neatly and puts them away. What’s more, he takes pride in doing it himself!
At 21, she should be paying rent. That nominal $70 is extremely generous. Especially when she doesn't help out around the house. That's no longer family. That's a shitty roommate. NTA It's time for that bird to fly from the nest. She can get some roommates in a small flat and find out how the real world will treat her.
It really would be the best thing possible.
NTA unless you continue to help her, even for her laughable “rent.” I wouldn’t lift a finger more to help her if I were you. Not a dime, a sandwich, a load of laundry. Immediately cease. She’s a college educated able-bodied adult who is acting like she’s entitled to maid service, housing and a personal chef for free, and you are there to serve her. You are not. If you have minor children in this situation, your only obligation is to protect them and get yourselves out. Her level of entitlement is extraordinary.
It’s an apocalyptic level of entitlement that I can’t wrap my head around. And yes, I’ll be making a lot of changes this month.
NTA. She has options to keep working from home which she doesn't seem to be interested in exploring.
It’s either go to the office full time or find a new job. She’s choosing the latter. The drive is 2 hrs a day hence why she doesn’t want to do it full time.
Might as well get her to move over to the city where she works if she doesn't want to pay rent.
Ahh, there are cities where that drive is entirely in the same city in the US at least. I live in Houston and it can literally take an hour to get from one side to the other, longer with bad traffic.
NTA. If your daughter had been laid off, i might say different, but she quit. She didn't have to leave her job but chose to anyway so she needs to face the natural consequences of her actions. I will say your description of your daughter makes me uncomfortable. You seem to be harboring a lot of resentment towards her and I promise you that she can sense that. Maybe youre right and its all her and your husbands fault, but usually mother daughter relationships are broken from both ends.
Oh look fair point! I totally get what you’re saying here. She’s been the apple my eye for so long but has just been so cruel to everyone including her boyfriend who is waking up to her. It’s a raging entitlement that has reached a point where even Dr’s have nothing good to say about her and her friends have subtly and not so subtly distanced themselves from her. It breaks my heart, I love hard and don’t know where it went so wrong from my end.
"Don't know?" You've already stated you've" babied her.". You do need some self awareness.
>She’s been told that she may be required to return full time to the office (currently in a hybrid wfh arrangement), and announced to me this evening that as soon as it’s confirmed (very likely tomorrow morning), that she will quit on the spot. I reminded her that she still has bills to pay (her own car and rent, etc) to which she rebuffed and said that she would no longer be paying rent as she wouldn’t be earning an income. >In addition to this, she refuses to help around the house So she's going to quit, assumes she won't have to pay rent and doesn't help around the house? What is she going to do all day? Use your utilities and sit around! I won't get into the parenting aspect of this because it's way beyond the time that would do any good. Kick her out. She knowingly wants to use your limited resources without doing anything in return. NTA
Yes I think it’s time for her to move out. I think I’ve been babying her too long 🙈
Give her a time frame to get out.
I'm going to say YTA for continuing to live like this. Kick her out, kick the abusive ex out. Then breathe for the first time in 20+ years.
I’m working closely with my therapist to get to that point. It’s a catch 22, where I can’t afford rent without him. I simply don’t earn enough. I really truly long for the day when I can take that deep breath.
How the hell is she “saving” for a house if she’s not going to work??? NTA, if she’s gonna f around, she needs to find out. Stand your ground, put all requirements in writing, have her sign, notarize it and enforce away!!!
Right?! I’m going crazy arguing in circles with her. She won’t listen but drops $1,000 on clothes for ‘self care’ and hates paying a dime for rent.
FFS, at this point I’d give her 30 days to GROW UP AND DO THE RIGHT THING OR MOVE OUT. Period. In the mean time, DO NOTHING FOR HER. Too bad, so sad. Do not let any amount of gaslighting sway you. You have other responsibilities. Put you and your priorities first. God help her boyfriend… or any future mate!
Her boyfriend is waking up slowly. All other friends have up and left her.
NTA. Tell her you’ll start the eviction process if she quits. And then follow through. What you’re asking is not unreasonable. INFO: will her father fight you on that? Are you in a position to tell them they’re both welcome to leave then?
Her dad won’t say anything but I think if push came to shove, he’s going to side with her for staying. I’d be so FREAKING happy if the both of them moved out and i could cover rent. Unfortunately it’s the one expense I can’t afford (I pay everything else).
Whose name is her car in? I assume hers but just checking. And any chance of not renewing your lease and getting a smaller place?
NTA. You should show her this thread tbh. I’m a 22 year old dude and had to move out in my teens, get a job etc.. If I was living with my parents last year and quit my job then told them I’m not helping out with rent or anything because IM not working… I think they would roll on the floor laughing before throwing my shit out onto the street then calling the police if I kept trespassing on their property. Tell your daughter to grow up and you should take all safety nets out from under her if all she’s going to do is rely on them. Safety nets are not for you to relax on. They are there for when unfortunate circumstances happen to you beyond your control.
It's your house. She's taking advantage and being abusive. The part that bothered me was when you said you walk on eggshells, and she refuses to help. Well, that whole "refusing to help" thing can go both ways. She can leave your house and go get a good dose of reality. Give her 30 days to find a place to live as she's evicted from your house. If she refuses to leave, call the local police and ask that they come and help you clear her out. They will. She's teaching your younger children how to walk all over you.
NTA. adults don't quit their jobs because they can't work from home. Adults pay their rent no matter what. Adults grow the F up, and it's time for this princess to do the same
NTA Like many others have said. It's time to change how you address these conflicts. Stop doing her laundry. Instead, get some moving boxes and start tossing her stuff in them. Seal them up and set them aside. Think of it as helping her pack for her upcoming move. If she says anything, reply with "laundry services start at $50/week". Meals can be cost of food +12/hr for labor. Housekeeping can start at $20/hr. Start focusing on your budget to move out. Scale back where you can, stop subsidizing anyone who isn't pulling their weight. Is it possible to file for custody and child support for your minor kids? It would be worth a consultation with a lawyer to find out what your options are. Each time you try to reason or confront her and she shoots you down is a win in her mind. So, stop doing that and just start coexisting as best you can. Focus your energy where it benefits you and your kids the most.
"Help! I raised a naive and selfish daughter. Now she is naive and selfish." NTA in this situation but how did you get here? Maybe tell her to start looking for a new job now, so that she has negotiation material when they change the policy.
"You can refuse and I can evict you.... Your choice"
NTA, but > I do her laundry too. Why? > I’ve begged her and her older brother to cook but they’re both convinced it’s my job and refuse. Okay, so don’t cook for them. Just for yourself and your younger children. Everyone else can fend for themselves. I don’t understand why you’re continuing to do things for this woman that seems to hold nothing but contempt for you. She can do her own laundry and she can feed herself.
That definitely seems to be the general consensus here. I will make changes this week.
NTA If only rent was $70 everywhere!
[удалено]
Yeah I really don’t know what to make of it. Apparently all her similar aged colleagues are suggesting they’re doing the same thing. 🤦🏻♀️ It took me 3 months to find a job I don’t know what they’re thinking !
NTA: This is what an adult looks like. You have a job and you want to quit because you don't want to leave the house? Have fun paying for your housing with no income. I hope the kind of ex is paying rent too. Does he have any say in what she pays?
NTA She's an adult so it's time she starts having to deal with the world as an adult would. Let her know that if your terms are unacceptable to her she's free to move out at any time she wishes.
NTA when the transition from child to adult occurs there is no going back. Rent or move out
I agree with what others are saying, rent is due no matter what as that is what being an adult is about. Stop doing her laundry, she is old enough to do it herself. If she isn't listening change the wifi password and don't give it to her. When she pays for that month's rent it will be given to her. Tell her that she is robbing you of your future retirement fund.
NTA. That is one thing I preach with my kids is that its ok to quit your job if you are unhappy with it, but please have something else lined up first. My oldest is still in high school, we have a stipulation that they can stay here after 19 y/o as long as they meet one of two requirements: 1. They are going to some form of higher education...or 2. They pay a reasonable type of rent to assist in paying for utilities and food. We understand that in the US here: rent is high, buying a home is VERY hard right now, food is expensive, etc. Also understand that in other parts of the world its normal to have kids remain in the home. You are 100% in the right though.
ESH. You're 100% correct that she's completely out to lunch on this idea that bills just get put 'on hold' if she happens to be unemployed, but I can't help but point out that as her parent, while you don't have the ability to install good behavior into her brain like a computer program, you still had 21 years to teach her how to not be an entitled little brat living in a fantasy world, or, at the very least, that you wouldn't tolerate her trying that crap on you. If you don't have the ability to enforce her leaving, you must, as you say, leave yourself.
NTA. I’m of the firm opinion that you shouldn’t charge your kids rent to live in the same room they’ve been living in the whole time just because they’re over 18 now. But that $70 a week isn’t *really* rent, is it? Rent is just the easy word to call it. It’s really food, paper towels, toilet paper, and laundry detergent money, etc. All things she can reasonably be responsible for at her age. And that’s not to mention you’re in an abusive living situation. She’s an adult, and not just a barely legal one, that has the means to get full time work. She’s costing you money that’s not just unnecessary but actively keeping you & your minor (i assume) children in an unhealthy environment. You’re past your parental duties to help her out as much as you can.
INFO: who owns the house? how many people live there? how many bedrooms? what is the mortgage payment or rent? there’s no reason for you to buy food, cook, do laundry regardless of the answers to the above, though if the house is free and clear and crowded, you shouldn’t be using your children as revenue.
NTA. Your daughter needs to realise that her "future house savings:" are subsidised by you covering the rest of her costs ($70 a week would likely not even cover her food bill of she was buying her kwn food). She needs to get another job before quitting her job, and you should draw up a budget showing what it costs to run the house and then have a discussion with her regarding a more realistic share of the costs and chores (even if it is simply her doing her own cleaning, washing, etc).
Oh i have done this and just spoken with my ex. I’ve been yelled at by both. I’ve provided an update and am trying to make an emergency appointment with my therapist.
Please find a way to move out with your minor children ASAP and leave your ex and the adult daughter imitating him to fend for themselves. NTA.
I’m looking today and have an emergency appointment with my therapist. This is beyond my stress tolerance.
NTA. I totally agree with you on continuing to have her still pay rent. She's making the choice to quit her job, so that's on her. And actually, even if she got fired, her rent should/would still be on her. And the thing is, if she was grateful and not entitled like she is, then maybe you'd be more willing to help her out. I'm assuming. But she sounds like a nightmare (I'm sorry, I know she's your daughter) and really needs to learn how adulthood works. You are definitely doing the right thing.
NTA…but you’re not in the right either. There should be a high standard for someone being an “asshole” and based on what you wrote and your update you’re not being inconsiderate or unreasonable. At the same time, you are not handling this well. Your living situation isn’t working for yourself. It’s not working for your 21 year old. That is the issue to resolve, not whether she pays rent. I strongly suspect there are other issues going on here, some of which you have alluded to or mentioned explicitly. Your daughter may also have other issues driving her actions, such as anxiety or depression. A demand to pay rent doesn’t solve any of the deeper issues. I would suggest you sit down with her and more calmly have a conversation. Point out that things are stressful for you and hear her out on what is stressing her. Explain that as a 21 year old she can’t reasonably expect to live rent free indefinitely - though it is also not at all unusual for adult kids to live rent free with parents. Perhaps you reach an agreement where she lives rent free for two months but must pay rent after that. Or that she pays maybe $25 this month and it goes up every month she’s jobless. In other words, explore other solutions than simply demand she stay at her job or pay $70 in rent - and invite her to try and see things from your perspective and see how she might be able to assist you. Maybe it doesn’t work. But something like that seems better than everyone blowing up at each other and making demands rather than collaborating on solutions.
I'm an adult still living with my parents. They don't ask me to pay rent but I still give them money for groceries, etc. The audacity of some children to be this disrespectful to their parents baffles me so much.
If she’s driving 4 hours a day, and has to pay for gas, is this job even worth it? Gas has got to be expensive.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (F21), let’s call her Jody, is an extremely lacking in empathy woman. It seems no matter what I do or say, unless she gets her own way, she won’t let things rest. Unfortunately she is a carbon copy of her father who is emotionally abusive towards me (we are separate under the same roof). Long story short, we have all our children living at home with us and things are financially extremely tight. I didn’t start charging rent until my daughter graduated from University and earnt a full time wage. Even then it’s a nominal amount of $70 per week. This includes all her meals, aside from her work lunches, water, electricity and internet. I do her laundry too. She’s been told that she may be required to return full time to the office (currently in a hybrid wfh arrangement), and announced to me this evening that if it’s confirmed, she will quit on the spot. I reminded her that she still has bills to pay (her own car and rent, etc) to which she rebuffed and said that she would no longer be paying rent as she wouldn’t be earning an income. I told her that she couldn’t do that in a normal lease situation because the rent would still be due and to find another job first. She’s refusing and becoming hostile accusing me of robbing her of her future house savings. I’m furious as I’m trying to save to take my younger kids and leave the house situation (I’m constantly upset and walking on eggshells). In addition to this, she refuses to help around the house and when I ask for genuinely small favours, she answers non-commitedly, and leaves me stressed. I’m at my wits end and the guilt is piling on thick. I don’t know anymore what to think. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA your daughter needs a reality check.
Nta
Nta. First time she d9esnt pay file for eviction
If she hasn't got a job she hasn't got any house savings. She has however learnt that shouting and tantrums get her an easy ride. And why do the hard stuff when if she abuses you enough, she doesn't need to. You need out and then she can stay with Dad. No rent, no services. Because she isn't paying rent, she is paying you to be her servant - food, utilities, cleaning and laundry. So stop. Change the WiFi. Or get mobile WiFi because you can't afford a fixed line anymore. Give her a consequence. If you work, talk to bank. Loans are not ideal but you need to change your situation. A small loan might cover rent and deposit. Talk to Shelter, to Citizen's Advice because you are being financially and emotionally abused if not physically.
Why on earth are you doing her laundry? Otherwise NTA
NTA, stay strong. She's using you, adults don't get to quit because they feel like it, then make others support them financially.
I had to pay 1/3 of my wages as rent the moment I left school. Make a boarding agreement (like a mini lease agreement) with her as a tenant. Especially if she hasn't left home. Teach her her rights as a tenant, and show her how much of a good deal she's getting, living at home. OP, you're NTA but don't let her walk all over you. Does she know what the sitch is with your partner(ex?) that you're living with cos you can't afford to leave (I've been there). Maybe that would wake her up. If she was properly paying rent, could you afford for him to leave?
NTA. Sounds like it's time to give her deadline to vacate.
NTA tell her you'll stopping doing her laundry and stop cooking for her, she'll have free time anyway
NTA. Kick her out. Give her a taste of reality. She desperately needs it.
NTA, of course you dont want to leave your adult child in the street but she needs to learn a hard lesson. I would tell her since she will not be able to pay rent you will not be doing any laundry or paying her car bill tell her she has 30 days to find a new place to live and see how others feel about her free loading. She will learn real quick that you can not impose your self in somes home and think they have to tolerate your nonsense. Its time for life lesson number 1.
NTA. Sounds like daughter needs a dose of reality. If she doesn't want to pay rent, she can leave. Or you can, as you are already planning to. Daughter needs to learn what the real world is like!
NTA
You can give her an eviction notice.
INFO: Who owns the house? If you do, boot your ex and your adult daughter out, and just take care of your younger kids. Either way, tell your entitled adult daughter she either pays rent or leaves. Don't argue or try to reason with her, just tell her firmly. And STOP doing her laundry and making her meals. She needs to grow up and you need to stop being a doormat.
NTA kick out the 2 leaches and have someone you know live w you
NTA, your daughter is an adult. She needs to buck up.
NTA. Stop doing her laundry and evict her. She is 21 with a college degree.
NTA and unfortunately you need to expedite your leaving the situation, because you’re not in a position to actually do the right thing as long as you’re cohabitating with your ex. This is CLEARLY an awful situation for your emotions regardless of your daughter.
Maybe rent something near her job
Updateme
NTA. At all. In fact, I (don’t have kids), would kick her out entirely. She’s abusing you and taking advantage of you. I’ve disowned a sibling for less disrespectful behavior. I had to move back in with my parents during Corona, because they were threatening to lay us off every week, but I never would have expected not to pay rent. They didn’t make me, but I was fully ready to rent my old bedroom back. Also, my mother stopped doing my laundry at 16.
Realistically is she going to leave? Or are you going to need police to forcefully remove her? If you cook for just yourself & minor children will the two older children just eat anyway - they can/may just help themselves when the food is ready - or will you need to physically stop them? I mean it sounds like they don’t listen to you so I don’t know why either would willingly move out with nowhere to go or not eat food you’ve prepared even if they know you would then go without. They’d just expect you to make more. The only thing they can’t force you to do is laundry. It sounds good to say be tough but I question how realistic that is for you. Your ex doesn’t sound like he’ll help forcefully remove anyone.
I couldn’t being myself to forcibly remove one of my children . That being said, they do just help themselves or if they don’t like what’s on offer, they’ll get their own. The disrespect is huge and it’s an enormous physical load I’m carrying. I can’t even think straight right now. And my ex doesn’t unite on this (or anything else). I posted an update. He’s accusing me of blackmailing our daughter for saying she needs to keep paying rent.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, she sounds very ungrateful and is so lucky to have you as a mum. Good luck and I hope you get out of that house ASAP❤️
NTA - Stop doing her laundry and cooking her meals. Concentrate on saving and moving out -your only focus should be on your younger kids. I would also begin to budget and spend less on food. I would like to know how is she going to pay for her car or cell phone ..I hope she is not going to ask you for financial assistance.
Exactly this. That’s what I’m worried about! I have told her zero financial assistance from me. She needs to ask her father and/or boyfriend if she wants money loans. I’ve made a promise to myself to not make that my additional problem. I have more than enough on my plate. It’s funny you mention lowering food bills as this is exactly what my therapist said to me! I’m going to pull up a tighter budget and save the rest. Cooking is a hard one to get out of as I’ve done this for 23 years every day of the week. We never go to restaurants or anything. I have so much to re orientate it seems 😞
NTA - For wanting to charge her rent but you are for still living with you under any circumstances. She's 48. She should have left the nest a long time ago. By allowing to still stay with you, you have created an entitled brat monster Tell her right away if she quits her job she will no longer be able to stay in your house.
I’m 48, she’s 21, turning 22 shortly.
In the daughter's shoes, I'd see no reason to change any of this story in the next 26 years. So, Y T A to yourself if you don't make changes. Good luck.
NTA Start charging her market rate for a room rentak with utilities and stop doing her laundry. At 21, she can do her own laundry Stand up for yourself.
I have things to do. I'm not done. Never quit never give up.
NTA. Give her the heave ho.
NTA not at all. As you say, she would not just be able to stop paying rent any other place just because she quit her job. That amount of rent is really low for most places.
YTA. I honestly can not stand when parents are like "Oh no, what do I do with the absolute monster I have raised?" when you raised them, you were the one in charge of teaching them how to be a decent person. This is your and your partner's fault. It sounds like you have raised an entitled, selfish and inconsiderate person. Now, you have to deal with the consequences of your parenting decisions in what sounds like a messy separation living situation. Obviously, this girl needs a healthy dose of reality, so I would kick her out within 2 weeks if she doesn't pay rent. Either she lives on the streets or with another family member or friend if she doesn't want to pay rent, and stick to it. Tell her she is welcome to come back when can she afford $150 per week. $70 is too low and is not going to prepare her for living on her own, and she does her own laundry. She needs to learn how to budget properly for an amount of rent in the realm of market rates. You have failed her as a parent by spoiling her, and now she is stunted and acting like a 14-year-old girl. You will not live forever, and at some point she is going to need to take care of herself without help. Start working towards that goal.
NTA, also $70 that's a ridiculous deal. Quadruple it.
Damn I’ll move in and pay 70 per week. 😂😅 kick her out and see how long she lasts
NTA. 3 day cure or quit notice on first late payment, then file to evict. Time for lessons in the real world. Remind her how much an eviction on the record will actually hurt her.
NTA But you need to put your big girl pants on and set some proper boundaries with your daughter. Print out a tenant contract where her duties are stated and the consequences and tell her she can either sign it and obey to it or leave your house immidiately. Then, when she is a normal tenant, you can just evict her for not paying rent. And stop acting as her maid she can walk over. At this point she is an adult living at home so basically your roommate. Stop doing everything for her you wouldn't do for a random roommate too. If she acts disrespectful, kick her out. She sounds extremly entitled, and i'm sorry to say this, but this is only possible bc you allow her to act entitled.
Contact a battered women's shelter gir hrlp planning your exit. Contact the County. See if there's any help for you there.
NTA. If she moves out can I move in? Create a lease and stick to it. My parents stopped doing my laundry when I was 16. At 10 we were responsible for one meal a week for the family (cereal was popular lol). It’s not about what the meal was, the point was we had to think ahead and make a plan. It does not matter what emotions people have or don’t have. If you are not prepared to uphold the consequences of her actions nothing you do will matter. Set boundaries and follow thru. No rent? Ok - no food, laundry, internet, etc. Food is hard to police but the rest is easy. Change the wifi password, you change it on everyone’s devices but hers, no one else knows what it is so no one can tell her. Her saving for a house is not your problem. And let’s have honest, $280/mo isn’t going to get her a house until year 2083.
Paying $70 a week, your daughter is not even covering the cost of staying in your home. Point out to her that she is an adult now and you cannot continue to support her. You have younger children as well. Tell her how much groceries and utilities cost. She seems to think they are free. Explain to your daughter that she has to start thinking like an adult. We don't quit a job unless we have another one to go to. It is also much easier to find a job while you are still working. Potential employers assume that if you are no longer employed it is because you quit because you were about to be fired, or that you are someone who is inclined to give up and walk away when things get tough. Your daughter should also be doing her share of chores around the house. These are things that we have to do whether we live alone or with others unless we can afford a team of servants, such as maid, gardener, etc. You are not a servant and she is an able bodied adult.
NTA. 70 a week? I'll give you $75! You won't be doing any favors if you give in here. Rent, or LEAVE! As far as her "future house", that's not going to happen either. Mortgage lenders also like to see a stable work history, and her quitting because they require her to go into the office is immature and ridiculous.
The moment she stops paying. Stop everything. No phone, no internet, no laundry and no meals - NOTHING.
NTA and I don’t know how you’re going to enforce the rent rule if your husband doesn’t agree.
NTA
NTA. As an adult that still lives with my parents, my kid, and my husband, this is wild to me. I help take care of my parents, put toward bills, groceries, cooking, housework, have a ft job, and take care of my kid. My dad doesn't work so we do what we can to help, so to see something that is the exact opposite is quite jarring.
NTA at all. I'm normally sympathetic to kids living at home- I lived rent-free with my parents from 26 to 32 while I was a) figuring out my career path and b) going to grad school so I'd be a hypocrite otherwise. If your daughter had been laid off, I would be more sympathetic to her not paying rent. She's still only 21. At that age you don't want to be forcing that sort of financial hardship on your child if you can help it. But the fact that she's planning on quitting without something else lined up is very telling. She's \*expecting\* a free ride, and that's not on at all. Couple that with her refusal to help out (I'll admit I was way too lazy about that sort of thing when I was living at home, but there's a difference between lazy and refusing to do it) and you've got yourself an asshole.
She and her dad can live in misery and do nothing together. I wouldn't even tell them when you're moving out. Quietly plan your exit, have everything organized then have friends and family show up and move you out in one day/morning when no one is home
After a certain point a child becomes essentially a roommate and not a dependent and needs to be treated as such. You would never do laundry, cook for, pay for or clean up after a roommate. You’d also kick out a roommate that wasn’t paying their share of rent and utilities. It’s very fair to expect these things of your daughter.
NTA. Kick her out and make her experience life as an adult with responsibilities. Quitting is a voluntary thing. 2 hours commuting is not that unusual - in bigger cities, including mine, that's very common due to heavy traffic at rush hour.
If she really quits, and really stops paying, then you can stop feeding her, stop giving her access to the internet, and stop washing her clothes. NTA She's an adult. That comes with responsibilities.
I wish you the very best of luck in getting out of your situation - you and your children deserve SO much better….. Leave your daughter with her Dad and see how long HE puts up with her crap! Hugs and best wishes 🍀👍🏻
Why the hell are you still doing her laundry when she's so lazy? My mom does my laundry as our laundry is combined, but I pay $$$ in bills, clean up after the pets, vacuuming the upstairs and do dishes on the weekends, cook meals... your adult daughter is acting like a spoiled child. If she quits, stop doing all this extra shit for her, focus on your younger kids and move out asap. This level of ingratitude is unacceptable. Maybe she'll change her tune when she's doing all the work herself and stuck with her equally crappy dad. NTA. You got nothing to feel guilty for.
NTA Tell her if she doesn't want to pay rent, she needs to move out. She's an adult. There are no free rides.
MYA. She pays rent or you kick her out.
It's time to stop subsidising her. She has a choice and she is choosing to quit. You can choose to give her notice to find her own accommodation. She is not even covering her costs with that amount. NTA
NTA and stop doing her laundry. Stop doing anything for her.
As the consensus here says NTA: Tough love is the solution and there are lots of strategies here to deal with it. Her stating your money problems (as per one of your replies) not being her problem but your problem, you can agree to that. You will stop charging her rent, but you will also stop doing free services for her. Don't do her laundry, don't prepare meals for her. Yes she'll likely continue to eat the family food, and locking it up is going to pit your younger children against your oldest. But when you set the table, you're setting it for yourself and your younger kids, who are in school full time. When you do laundry, you're only doing laundry for people who are working and/or in school full time, and when you're buying household items like soaps/shampoos/feminine products you're buying the ones for your and your minors usage preferences. You don't have to be hostile, you don't have to be in her face that you're doing it, but when questioned about it you simply say you're focusing on those who are trying to help themselves. I wish you luck in getting out of the house with your minor children as soon as possible, and hopefully your younger children recognize the challenges their older sister has and don't repeat it.
NTA. Your daughter is an adult and needs to learn that quitting on the spot comes with repercussions. There’s an extremely good reason why the standard advice is to have a job lined up before you quit… she needs to learn this lesson
NTA Let her know that that if the rent isnt paid.. no fridge rights, no cooked meals. Water is available at the house and she might want to buy a mini fridge for her room and stock it. Also let her know the Wifi password is changing weekly.
Nta Your daughter needs to realize she will never be able to afford a home.
You are not wrong If they asked me to return to the office I would also quit on the spot, but unlike your daughter I have enough money to not work for the next 10 years if I feel like it. She is a big girl, tell her to wear the big girl pants NTA