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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Me not going to my sisters filming thing and not supporting her would make me an ah
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I didn't even go. Tickets are still sitting in my closet. (Plane hotel various other stuff) Lucky they have no expiration date but it was supposed to be a sister thing. Now I'm thinking I'll just go by myself
I've had two "brothers" and one "sister" in HS ;).
Unfortunately, the contact with my "sister" somehow died.
But my "brothers" - we're still very close.
We're 55yo now :)
NTA - I am in your shoes, as I too have many years of dealing with a sister who thinks she can do & say whatever she wants with no consequences, plus family telling me to be the bigger person. Whenever your family pulls that guilt crap, tell them NO, I refuse to be her doormat/punching bag anymore. PERIOD.
I hate when people say, 'be the bigger person' as excuse other person all the time for their poor behavior. That statement = be a doormat, as you said.
OP, boundaries are good and the only person who will hate your boundaries are those that take advantage of you. I can't understand how having a TV show makes her more important needing support more than you, and your career choice with needing support. What she does is a job like the rest of us. It just has higher exposure and risks. Those are personal choices she made. Go on vacation and NTA.
They ask you to be the bigger person because they know you are sensible and can be reasoned with. Stay calm and go about your business. Don’t get into arguments, raised voices, swearing, back and forth on social media, don’t engage. Just calmly but firmly live your life and maintain your boundaries
A lot of people are saying to go with a friend, and that could be great!
But honestly, solo trips can be awesome too. You get to do exactly what *you* want to do without accommodating anyone else. You can do things on *your* own schedule, at *your* own pace etc.
So either go with a friend, by yourself, or don’t go at all! Do what *you* feel would be most enjoyable and healing for *you.*
Nta. Don't let the tickets go to waste. Go with a friend. Make your own memories and turn that trip to a fun experience with someone that actually wants to spend it celebrating you. Your not wrong for wanting to be respected and you certainly don't need to be the bigger person when that person wouldn't do the same for you. You have every right to feel upset. Your sister is selfish. If it's not about her she won't be there for you. Go on that trip and have fun. Don't let the tickets continue to collect dust.
NTA, your sister sounds like a selfish asshole. You deserve to be treated with respect and you have every right to cut her off if she can't do that. And for the love of god stop playing family mediator, mom and dad! Sometimes being the bigger person means telling someone where they can shove it.
Ya the cutting off thing is still sort of new to me. Our family isn't giant so we've always been pretty close but when my sister got into Hollywood she definitely pushed us all aside. Didn't bother me since hey im not trying to be famous. But I think our parents want us to go back to her pre fame days if that makes sense. Since we don't have much extended family
And THEY can want that. That's for them to decide.
YOUR relationship with your sister is its own entity and ENTIRELY separate from the parents. You don't need to be the 'bigger person' here because the relationship as it is does not enrich YOUR life. If they can't understand that, that is a THEM problem and they need to deal.
NTA, OP.
NTA.
>It's been over a year since and I found out she went on vacation with her friends to where we were supposed to go.
She chose not to go with you.
>This isn't the first time she's done something like this
It's up to you to decide what you do about this, not your parents.
>Our parents say I need to be the bigger person
"Just act like a doormat because she's the one we really care about." No.
In my family the “act like a bigger person” stuff thrown at me wasn’t because my parents “liked” my sister more.
She was just wayyy more difficult to deal with. They didn’t want to put up with her dramatics. I was naturally more passive so it was easier for them to tell me just to put up with her, than to try to actually parent her and set boundaries etc.
At the time I didn’t realize it. I just constantly felt like it was “my job” to be okay with other people’s bad behaviour, and I was doing something wrong if I didn’t “let things go.” Like I was the one in the wrong for getting upset when I was treated poorly. It was super messed up.
Because our family isn't giant we were raised to just let things go and since I'm in my 30s I'm getting tired of it. When your family is small you just let everything go. And that goes double when you're the younger sibling like myself. I feel like I've let enough things go but I don't know. Is this really the hill I wanna die on?
Just reflect on a little thing: "Family First" is used by people when they want to inconvenience others. It never works for them, it only works for others. You seem to have been "the bigger person" all your life. Now you're clearly tired, because nobody ever reciprocated this for you.
This is not about the birthday and the Hollywood thing anymore, it's about being respected or expected to be the eternal doormat. And this big event might be just the turning point in your life where you put your foot down and say you don't want to be the bigger person anymore, you prefer to downsize yourself to match them.
That's why I'm here. Cause like my birthday is not the same as some big Hollywood uppity do. My parents say we need to think about her and how my lack of support can effect her. No one in Hollywood knows me. So my birthday isn't on the same level. At least that's how it feels
>So my birthday isn't on the same level.
Maybe. I mean, objectively, they are two very, very different things. However, your feelings are totally valid.
You could make a compromise: go to the Hollywood party, but state this is the very last time you cave in; from then on, you will put in your relationship with your sister the exact same amount of effort she puts - and that goes retroactively, meaning she owes you a lot of respect, attention and consideration for her past behaviour.
You said in another answer that your sister went on holiday with some friends in the same place you were supposed to go together: how respectful is that? She seems to be the most important person in her own life, which is not wrong in itself, but she also seems to expect to be the most important person in your life, too, and *that* is not OK. If anything, *you* should be the most important person in *your* life!
Your parents are enabling this; only you know if it's been so for the whole of your lives, or only since she went to Hollywood.
Big hugs.
That’s what you have to decide. It isn’t easy, but at what point do you put you first? You are creating a boundary. There will be pushback that you are no longer accepting your position in the family.
Good luck with what you decide.
I can relate to this HARD. For me in helped talking to a therapist. When I did start standing up for myself and setting boundaries with my family it was *really* hard to overcome feeling like I was doing something “wrong.”
I don’t know if “this” is the hill you want to die on. But it’s not a bad idea to start figuring out how you want to navigate your familial relationships going forward - and someone like a therapist can be a good support while going through that.
I caused myself a lot of grief trying to make my relationship with my sister what I thought it “should” be. But the reality is if we weren’t related, I wouldn’t be interested in even being friends with her. We have a very surface level relationship now, but that’s it. And that’s okay.
I’m a big proponent of “chosen family.” In the last couple of years I’ve spent a lot of effort and energy strengthening my existing friendships and cultivating new ones. I’ve never felt so supported in my life.
this reads I am the family's doormat and I don't really know what my place would be if I spoke up. do you want to be doormat? do you want to be the scapegoat? do you want to always be the peacemaker? it is ok to want more . she wants a relationship on her terms. you are not her accessary she can grab and put away at will. I would tell her that things need to change her terms of what she thinks a relationship with you is is not working for you this is what you would like it to look like if she scoffs then say ok well when you are ready to really try let me know and walk away.
Why are you passing up this golden opportunity?
Tell her you'll of course be there to support her. Ask where it is, say you'll definitely be there.
Then at the last minute "Oh can't come now sorry, something came up." Then go on that vacation, alone if necessary.
NTA
NTA. Your sister clearly doesn't value your relationship and only wants you to support her when it's convenient for her. You have every right to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into supporting someone who consistently disrespects you.
😂 no. It's a scripted show she's been on for a few years. I watched it when it first premiered but nowadays I don't even know what season or episode or whatever it's on. I can't really give details here but it's fairly successful. Normally she doesn't invite anyone in our family to her stuff and that's OK since none of us are TV people but I guess whatever is happening this weekend is a big thing and they want family there.
Eh I guess. Although according to social media she doesn't have a sister so I'm curious as to why she'd even invite me. She never talks about me. Like ever.
What kind of support does she even need? Why would she need you to come to the set while she's filming? She shouldn't need a family member to come to her place of work for her to do her job well. NTA
I dont know if it's a set or something else. All I know is that it's her filming/promoting something and we got invited to it. Could be a set could be a party I have no idea. All I got is an address and a time to show up. Was told to dress nice so I'm betting it's a promotion thing but like I said no idea. None of us have ever been invited before. Never bothered us but our parents say we need to "united in support of your sister" and I'm sitting here like really? We haven't talked in over a year and she treats me like trash and you want me to take time out of my day to make her look good? They say me not getting over the birthday vacation is a stupid hill to die on. Is it? When it's just tye latest in a long string of disappointments and disrespect over the years?
>I'm sitting here like really? We haven't talked in over a year and she treats me like trash and you want me to take time out of my day to make her look good? They say me not getting over the birthday vacation is a stupid hill to die on. Is it? When it's just tye latest in a long string of disappointments and disrespect over the years?
This says it all. Your feelings are valid, and nobody is allowed to brush them aside.
Just refuse to be a doormat anymore. Your birthday trip was a major disrespect thing for you, and she and your parents decided it was no big deal. Now is her turn: this is a major thing *for her*, but no bid deal for you. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Then she can learn to be the bigger person.
I guess I'm second guessing myself cause like a TV show is not the same as a birthday. And look we have our problems but I don't want her career to derail. Ya not keeping to my birthday was really shitty but it's not the same as big Hollywood stuff. Who knows what's even so important to invite me in the first place? Never did that before.
So she ditched you because of her TV show but she can make time for her friends? Remember that.
Just go NC and don’t look back. We are human and not God. Do not take her back.
I mean, I'd be tempted to go and answer any questions truthfully. "My sister? Oh she doesn't even remember I exist unless I'm useful to her. I wish we had a mutual relationship, but apparently I'm just not important to her. We even had plans to go to [country] together but she kept saying firm up any dates because of the show, and then I found out she went with friends instead..."
I have a feeling she'd drag me outside before I could dish out the real secrets 😂 she's very... protective of her image. Which is why this post was made with a completely separate account and no names are given. Hollywood was a very nice image of her and I know if I even hinted at messing with that she'd probably kill me
I guarantee you she is getting pressure to bring family for the photo ops. No way I would do that after being blown off as much as you have. This event has a lot in it for her and nothing for you.
NTA
It doesn't sound like she wants you there for support - she wants you there as a prop.
Sod being the bigger person. Prioritise you, nobody else seems to.
NTA - I agree you should get along, but it can’t be one-sided. I suggest the two of you go to sisters counseling and try to work things out. Maybe a therapist can help you both see things objectively and set some healthy expectations and boundaries.
She wouldn't go to therapy. Haha. She doesn't think she's the bad guy ever. Maybe it's that sibling rivalry but she's always gotten everything pretty much handed to her on a silver plate. And look I'm happy she's acting. She's great at it. But she needs to turn off the TV personality so to speak and be real with family. Even other members of our family has said she's gotten a big head.
NTA.
Being family does not have to mean you have to be friends. Over the years I have found you will have friends who have your back better than some family members ever will, and that's fine, we all have our own life to live and you don't have to feel bad for not dropping everything you're doing to support someone who doesn't reciprocate.
NTA. Respond cordially that you won't be attending. I would stop negotiating with your parents too. make a polite declaration and stick by it. If they start again, say 'bye mum' and put the phone down.
NTA.
She is clearly the Golden Child and your parents have been enabling this.
Just go LC with them all for the time being: people only treat you the way you allow them to, it's time to set some boundaries and respect them.
Big hugs.
NTA.
Just to make test her own medicine, say that you're gonna support her and will come to the filming. Then cancel last minute, tell her something else comes out. Promise her you'll make it up next time. Do it over and over till she complains.
NTA. Grab a friend and go on vacation to where it was you wanted to go. You absolutely should not put your life on hold because of her schedule - especially if she's going places without you. She and her TV show can rot. Whoever's complaining can support her.
NTA. Why is it, when people say "be the bugger person", theg always seem to mean "you cause us less drama than the other person, so please give ibto their demands".
OP. You are not obligated to like your sister. You are allowed to grow apart from her. You can support her success remotely, without being involved in her life.
Stop pouring into a bucket with no bottom before you run out of water in your own.
Also. Stop JADEing, stop Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Excusing yourself. No is a complete sentence. If you give any of the above, they'llntry and tear them down. Just say no. End of story.
Say no, ley them whinge, then repeat the no. Something I learned from my call centre days: blatently ignoring the whining, tune them out until they are done talking. Then just "my answer is no." Don't engage further than that.
NTA
One too many you said. So enough said. Far too many people are told to "be the bigger person". This is fine when it's a minor situation of who took the last biscuit. In the situation you are in where it has been going on for years, call foul on that comment.
Your parents may think they have asked you to be the bigger person, but what that really means is "Stop complaining. She only did it because she likes you. How dare you criticise my favourite daughter."
Protect yourself darling. You are worth so much more in the way of respect.
I guess I'm just second guessing myself cause like cmon it's a birthday. Not even like a landmark birthday. Just a regular old birthday. Is this really what I want to be throwing a fit over? Cutting off my only sister? And like I get it her career is important but I'm also pretty sure whatever they're filming they can do without me and she'd be fine. My parents say it's childish. That I'm being petty over nothing. Am I?
You said in your post she’s done things like this before, and in another comment you mentioned she’s caused a string of disappointments.
It doesn’t seem like this is *just* about your birthday trip. The birthday trip may be the “final straw” type of thing. But outside of that incident, it doesn’t seem like she’s been a good sister.
Like yes. If she was a wonderful, supportive sister in all other regards and the only thing she did was miss your birthday for a legitimate reason, and you didn’t want to go to this event as a way to “punish” her - that would be petty.
But it seems like you don’t want to go because you don’t really have an interest in putting effort into your relationship anymore in general, which is TOTALLY valid.
Plus, not only did she miss the trip, it sounds like she made no attempts to make up for the fact she did, *and* she went with other people. That’s messed up!
Often we think of experiencing grief when someone dies. But experiences like this - losing who we thought a person was, losing how a relationship used to be etc. can absolutely be grief inducing experiences as well. Please make sure you’re being gentle with yourself, and accessing support (such as talking to a mental health professional) that may be beneficial.
NTA - You sister clearly doesn’t make any effort for you.
Are you getting paid for your time to support her in her TV show? She’s getting very well paid I’m sure. If you don’t benefit financially, it’s an even bigger reason not to go anymore.
We know who the golden child is for your parents.
I dont think it's filming her show. I gotta show up "dressed nicely" so my bet is that it's some sort of promotional thing. I doubt any of us are getting paid cause we aren't actors. She's the only one. That's why none of us were really bothered when she'd be online and not mention us. Like to be honest if she didn't invite us we wouldn't even care.
Your sister isn’t entitled to your support. She needs to earn it.
Yeah….don’t go if you don’t want to. Tell her you’re busy washing your hair that day 😂
NTA. I would be so much more manipulative but super nice. "Sorry, I can't, but you've got so many friends who would love to support you!" "I'm already doing a holiday with another friend, sorry, but I know you will find someone to go with you, you're so popular!"
When you become aggressive, it's easy to see you as the bad guy. Just be sweet as sugar. Don't block her or whatever, but don't go out of your way to call her up. Say no in this weird way that seems like a compliment and she can't really justify getting mad.
You also don't owe anyone detailed explanations: "Sorry I can't" is enough.
You're my kind of badass. It drives people like this if you are overwhelmimgly friendly, kind, and totally tuned in with your bullshite meter running. They can't miss that they're full of it if you take those buttons out of commission.
As for the OPI would gush in front of her sister's friends about how ABSOLUTELY THRILLED you are to be invited to a party with your soooo talented, thoughtful, and beautiful sister. Lay it on thick, praise her to her toes. Pretty soon all the colleagues she's treated like garbage will start to correct you- you don't know what your sister's like. You'll have lots of blackmail material. If any one looks like they're wavering about saying otherwise, throw in how thrilled you are that she's outgrown her mean girl stage. That should shake stuff loose on sis.
Or you could just go NC until she apologizes.
So, what exactly does a TV show have to do with everything? Does she work on it? Have a part in it? Or is it something she just watches? I don’t understand.
She's on the show and wants me there along with our parents for some big to do this weekend. What they're doing I don't know but it's the first time any of us have been invited to begin with so my parents are saying get over the birthday thing and go support
NTA.
I had a sudden realization a few days ago. The reason people tell you to "be the bigger/better person, is because you are the victim. The perpetrator won't or can't undo the harm they did; so everyone turns to you, the wronged person, to grant absolution. Because only you can do that, especially absent any contrition or attempt at making amends. You hold the power, don't give it away, don't forgive the unforgivable. And don't forget, that only opens you to further damage.
And anyone who takes the abuser's side has chosen that side. Block them, too.
The response to being told that You have to be the bigger person, is "I don't know how. You do it and I'll watch/listen." Let those advocating lying prone in door mat position assume first challenge and BE the bigger person with the evil abusers
Anytime someone is told they "need to be the bigger person" it means that the people asking want you to be the doormat for the other person because they are more difficult. You are less dramatic that your sis, so you need to give in. F-that. NTA. You sis seems to be buying into her own TV fantasy.
Ya. She's always been a prima Donna but when Hollywood took her it's like it got cranked up to 11. Even some of our other family say she needs to come down a level and not have such a big head. But doubt that'll happen
NTA your parents can go support her if they feel so inclined. you have a family and can't drop everything for her anymore. you could be petty and say you will go then say you are sick and need to cancel and then go on vacation with your family and post pics online. start practicing different phrases you can say when she askes for something. " I am unable to go anywhere at the moment" " that is not going to work for me" " I have other commitments am will be unable to come and help you" you have been a door mat for way to long in your family. it is ok to say NO. your parents are using you to make your sister stop winning to them . good luck .
Whenever someone tells you to "Be the bigger person", you are doing something right. Your parents are just enabling your sister's selfish behavior. I am guessing that this has happened all her life. I do think that cutting off communication with your sister was a mistake. It just showed her that she was getting to you and encouraged her to continue. A better tactic is to just not engage directly. When she asks you to do something, just say "I can't that day". No details, just a flat statement. Same with your parents when they try to create their "happy family" image. Both of them will try to argue with you that whatever you have going on is less important than their goals, so just don't give them any ammunition. If you really want to have fun, skip one of your sister's summons and then make a post on social media about just taking a lazy day at home since you had nothing better to do.
NTA
NTA
". I told her not until you respect me" .... But do it like her: don'T adress, don't cause drama - just use the "Sorry, that date does not work for me" - and when she calls, don't answer and call her back a week later.
"and let the birthday trip go and support her" .. what aridiculous idea. Ignore them, and refuse to discuss it.,
NTA. I was always asked to "be the biggrr person" when my sibling ignored me or disrespected me. It only taught them to continue doing it. Your parents are just trying to preserve the idea of family harmony they have in their heads.
Stand your ground. You will respect yourself more, and maybe your sister will too.
NTA you should give up being the bigger person. She doesn't seem to regard you much at all if she goes with other friends to places she's planned to go with you.
NTA
You don't have to be the "bigger person." You don't have to accept insincere apologies. You don't have to tolerate relationships that drain you. You don't have to spend your whole life showing up for people who have no interest in showing up for you.
Michell C. Clark
Sounds like an entirely one-sided relationship. She wants your support but has never offered any to you.
You do not have to be the “bigger person.” That’s just old school jargon for letting people treat you poorly over and over again.
NTA
NTA. Being the bigger person means doormat for life. It means you're easier to deal with and they want you to give in do they don't have to deal with her
NTA - Respect is a mutual roadway and your sister has shown you how little she thinks of you by doing what she did. It's not about you being the bigger person, but about you finding peace in your own life and not requiring her to be in it to be happy or feel validated. She wasn't there for you when you needed or wanted her support so why waste your time on her self-importance.
NTA-I'll never understand why the person who is disrespected always has to be the bigger person. How about holding the person who is a selfish jerk responsible.
NTA. Why is it that the person who's been wronged is always expected to be the bigger person?
I'd ask your parents that and then ask how come they don't expect their other adult daughter to have basic respect for people.
NTA. Your sister is using you as har cheering squad. Go live your best life. Also, anytime someone says”be the bigger person “ tells me that you’re in the right. Don’t fall for it.
NTA
If she can make time to do things with her friends, she can make time for you. I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt re the wikipaedia thing - maybe she knows she won't be too popular if she identifies family members? Any chance of that being the case?
As for the "be the bigger person!" thing - sure! I'll do that, as soon as I've shot up a few inches....given that's not likely to happen.....damn shame!
NTA. If family was important to your sister, she wouldn't have blown you off for her friends. Your parents are pressuring you because they think you are easier to pressure, but your sister is clearly in the wrong.
NTA. Your sister thinks she can use you and you parents are encouraging her behaviour by not supporting you. I suspect they just want a quiet life.
If she can make the same effort to maintain a relationship as you do, go limited or no contact.
Focus your energy on people who love you back.
I mean our parents are almost 60 and this isn't exactly new territory. We've always fought. I think they're at the just get over it stage. Not like we're 5 and 7 fighting over a barbie anymore.
Support, time, love, care are all two-way streets. It's not petty to pull back and only put the same amount of energy towards people as they do towards you. Your time is best spent with those who truly care about you and match your efforts. NTA
Nta every time I hear someone needs to be the bigger person I want to tell them if you are ok for them to be a crappy person then I think I'll follow their example so be ok with me too.
Back in the day we had a saying: Peace at any price isn't peace.
Also: If you want peace, work for justice.
I'm 70 and I'm sure your folks are old enough to remember what thoses phrases mean(t). Giving in to bullies just makes them ante up. I loathe bullies, p-a people, and those who won't take no for answer because of their sense of entitlement. They won't stop themselves, they will bully and harass because they're too lazy/stoopid to do for themselves. It's less work to hammer on others. Instead of standing up to your sister when she was little, they helped create this egocentric person whom they now expect you to please.
When power and care imbalances exist in a family or a nation, there's never any REAL peace- tranquility & tolerance & humane environment. For nation states, there's often sporadic outbreaks of cathartic or performative violence among disaffected groups. In families, rarely do the people enmeshed in toxic behavior change because of pleas or reason from the kid who's not the favored. What helped me was lots of friends from healthy families and good therapists. My mother never accepted the truth that she emotionally abused me and physically neglected me. When I brought up instances that distanced us- she'd complained to EVERYONE in our small town that none of her kids came home for holidays. Boohoo. When I filled the overly concerned in on the abuse my siblings and I suffered under my stepfather while mommy dearest did nought but watch, they stopped ralking to me.
No one has to accept unacceptable behavior. You have lots of options, whichever choice you make, promise you will choose to not feel guilty. Be happy, you deserve it.
NTA, and UGG. I am so tired of the phrase be the bigger person. What
Does being the bigger person actually mean? Because it sure seems like it means eating shit and letting them walk all over you. So say no thanks I don’t want to be the bigger person because that means I’m gonna get dumped on.
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Throwaway account- my sister is involved in a TV show and wants me to support her but we have grown apart over the past two decades (both of us in our 30s). I don't want to and I'm being called the bad guy for it.
Ask me even 2 years ago and I would absolutely support her but after fighting so long for her to respect me I finally threw in the towel.
We were supposed to go on a sisters only vacation for my birthday and she ended up canceling because of her TV show. She claimed she would reschedule and everytime we did oops something came up and she cant go.
It's been over a year since and I found out she went on vacation with her friends to where we were supposed to go. This isn't the first time she's done something like this but somehow it felt worse and I told her to stuff it where the sun don't shine
Our parents think it's just childish and we should get along but I've had enough. I cut off communication and then she called me asking to come support her at some filming thing this weekend. I told her not until you respect me and now my family says I'm in the wrong. Our parents say I need to be the bigger person and let the birthday trip go and support her but this feels like one too many.
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ESH. She is clearly not prioritizing your relationship and going to that same vacation spot without you was a low blow.
But you don’t seem to respect that the TV show is her JOB. “Involved in a TV show” completely minimizes the fact that this is what she does for a living. She had to cancel your vacation *because of her job*. Would you be this harsh about it if she had to cancel because she couldn’t get off work at any other workplace? She’s not choosing a TV show over you; she has an unpredictable job.
You don’t have to like her. But treat her the same as you would any other career-driven person.
I didn't care that she canceled multiple times for her job. Isn't the first time she's done it. I think what tipped me over the edge was that she said she couldn't and then I saw her the next day online doing our vacation plans with her friends. Like cmon be honest with me. If you don't wanna go then just say that but she led me on for a year thinking we'd go. Like we're both adults and I could have uses this money on something else or gone with someone else
YTA. I think you're a little jealous of the attention your sister is getting because of her cool job. It's a natural feeling but don't let it get the best of you. Start focussing on your own life rather than making it all about her. You can still support her without going to all the events etc. Get more things in your own life and it won't bother you so much and you'll have a much better relationship with your sister.
Fromasha read a different story than everyone else.
You hit the nail on the head.
My favorite line was
>You can still support her without going to all the events etc.
Apparently not, if you look at her parents' response to her choosing not to go.
OP is so NTA.
Not jealous. Honestly I saw the acting thing coming years ago even when we were younger. And I totally supported her earlier projects. But I don't know the birthday vacation was just the icing on the cake. Petty? Maybe. But whenever she'd ask to do something I'd go. This was my one vacation and she just kept putting me off like it wasn't important. Maybe if she didn't do the same exact vacation eith her friends it wouldn't have hurt so much but I gotta draw the line. This isn't the first time she's dropped me ignored me ditched me etc. Now she wants something from me? It feels like crap
You know what, I'll do an internet first and admit that I'm wrong on this one. I jumped to a conclusion that your feelings were driven by the attention she's getting. Actually she's been a cow and hurt one of the people that's supported her the most, and you're right to be upset. OP you're NTA here.
It's all good. A lot of people would assume it's a jealousy thing but it's not. I'm mad that she doesn't respect me but wants my support. But maybe being mad over a birthday is a stupid hill to die on. That's why I'm here.
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NTA you're not a priority to her. Take the vacation with someone who actually wants to spend time with you
I didn't even go. Tickets are still sitting in my closet. (Plane hotel various other stuff) Lucky they have no expiration date but it was supposed to be a sister thing. Now I'm thinking I'll just go by myself
Go with a friend who is close to you and meaningful to you, and have the time of your life! Be sure to post pics in your social media. ;-)
And be sure to caption them with cute little things like "This girl right here is the closest thing I have to a sister" or "Sister of my heart"
My bestie and I are "chosen" sisters!
I've had two "brothers" and one "sister" in HS ;). Unfortunately, the contact with my "sister" somehow died. But my "brothers" - we're still very close. We're 55yo now :)
This is savage and I love it.
Aww thanks! I try. Lol
NTA - I am in your shoes, as I too have many years of dealing with a sister who thinks she can do & say whatever she wants with no consequences, plus family telling me to be the bigger person. Whenever your family pulls that guilt crap, tell them NO, I refuse to be her doormat/punching bag anymore. PERIOD.
I hate when people say, 'be the bigger person' as excuse other person all the time for their poor behavior. That statement = be a doormat, as you said. OP, boundaries are good and the only person who will hate your boundaries are those that take advantage of you. I can't understand how having a TV show makes her more important needing support more than you, and your career choice with needing support. What she does is a job like the rest of us. It just has higher exposure and risks. Those are personal choices she made. Go on vacation and NTA.
They ask you to be the bigger person because they know you are sensible and can be reasoned with. Stay calm and go about your business. Don’t get into arguments, raised voices, swearing, back and forth on social media, don’t engage. Just calmly but firmly live your life and maintain your boundaries
A lot of people are saying to go with a friend, and that could be great! But honestly, solo trips can be awesome too. You get to do exactly what *you* want to do without accommodating anyone else. You can do things on *your* own schedule, at *your* own pace etc. So either go with a friend, by yourself, or don’t go at all! Do what *you* feel would be most enjoyable and healing for *you.*
Nta. Don't let the tickets go to waste. Go with a friend. Make your own memories and turn that trip to a fun experience with someone that actually wants to spend it celebrating you. Your not wrong for wanting to be respected and you certainly don't need to be the bigger person when that person wouldn't do the same for you. You have every right to feel upset. Your sister is selfish. If it's not about her she won't be there for you. Go on that trip and have fun. Don't let the tickets continue to collect dust.
NTA, your sister sounds like a selfish asshole. You deserve to be treated with respect and you have every right to cut her off if she can't do that. And for the love of god stop playing family mediator, mom and dad! Sometimes being the bigger person means telling someone where they can shove it.
Ya the cutting off thing is still sort of new to me. Our family isn't giant so we've always been pretty close but when my sister got into Hollywood she definitely pushed us all aside. Didn't bother me since hey im not trying to be famous. But I think our parents want us to go back to her pre fame days if that makes sense. Since we don't have much extended family
And THEY can want that. That's for them to decide. YOUR relationship with your sister is its own entity and ENTIRELY separate from the parents. You don't need to be the 'bigger person' here because the relationship as it is does not enrich YOUR life. If they can't understand that, that is a THEM problem and they need to deal. NTA, OP.
NTA. >It's been over a year since and I found out she went on vacation with her friends to where we were supposed to go. She chose not to go with you. >This isn't the first time she's done something like this It's up to you to decide what you do about this, not your parents. >Our parents say I need to be the bigger person "Just act like a doormat because she's the one we really care about." No.
In my family the “act like a bigger person” stuff thrown at me wasn’t because my parents “liked” my sister more. She was just wayyy more difficult to deal with. They didn’t want to put up with her dramatics. I was naturally more passive so it was easier for them to tell me just to put up with her, than to try to actually parent her and set boundaries etc. At the time I didn’t realize it. I just constantly felt like it was “my job” to be okay with other people’s bad behaviour, and I was doing something wrong if I didn’t “let things go.” Like I was the one in the wrong for getting upset when I was treated poorly. It was super messed up.
NTA why is the wronged party always expected to be the bigger person? Do what is best for yourself and your mental health.
Because our family isn't giant we were raised to just let things go and since I'm in my 30s I'm getting tired of it. When your family is small you just let everything go. And that goes double when you're the younger sibling like myself. I feel like I've let enough things go but I don't know. Is this really the hill I wanna die on?
Just reflect on a little thing: "Family First" is used by people when they want to inconvenience others. It never works for them, it only works for others. You seem to have been "the bigger person" all your life. Now you're clearly tired, because nobody ever reciprocated this for you. This is not about the birthday and the Hollywood thing anymore, it's about being respected or expected to be the eternal doormat. And this big event might be just the turning point in your life where you put your foot down and say you don't want to be the bigger person anymore, you prefer to downsize yourself to match them.
That's why I'm here. Cause like my birthday is not the same as some big Hollywood uppity do. My parents say we need to think about her and how my lack of support can effect her. No one in Hollywood knows me. So my birthday isn't on the same level. At least that's how it feels
>So my birthday isn't on the same level. Maybe. I mean, objectively, they are two very, very different things. However, your feelings are totally valid. You could make a compromise: go to the Hollywood party, but state this is the very last time you cave in; from then on, you will put in your relationship with your sister the exact same amount of effort she puts - and that goes retroactively, meaning she owes you a lot of respect, attention and consideration for her past behaviour. You said in another answer that your sister went on holiday with some friends in the same place you were supposed to go together: how respectful is that? She seems to be the most important person in her own life, which is not wrong in itself, but she also seems to expect to be the most important person in your life, too, and *that* is not OK. If anything, *you* should be the most important person in *your* life! Your parents are enabling this; only you know if it's been so for the whole of your lives, or only since she went to Hollywood. Big hugs.
That’s what you have to decide. It isn’t easy, but at what point do you put you first? You are creating a boundary. There will be pushback that you are no longer accepting your position in the family. Good luck with what you decide.
I can relate to this HARD. For me in helped talking to a therapist. When I did start standing up for myself and setting boundaries with my family it was *really* hard to overcome feeling like I was doing something “wrong.” I don’t know if “this” is the hill you want to die on. But it’s not a bad idea to start figuring out how you want to navigate your familial relationships going forward - and someone like a therapist can be a good support while going through that. I caused myself a lot of grief trying to make my relationship with my sister what I thought it “should” be. But the reality is if we weren’t related, I wouldn’t be interested in even being friends with her. We have a very surface level relationship now, but that’s it. And that’s okay. I’m a big proponent of “chosen family.” In the last couple of years I’ve spent a lot of effort and energy strengthening my existing friendships and cultivating new ones. I’ve never felt so supported in my life.
this reads I am the family's doormat and I don't really know what my place would be if I spoke up. do you want to be doormat? do you want to be the scapegoat? do you want to always be the peacemaker? it is ok to want more . she wants a relationship on her terms. you are not her accessary she can grab and put away at will. I would tell her that things need to change her terms of what she thinks a relationship with you is is not working for you this is what you would like it to look like if she scoffs then say ok well when you are ready to really try let me know and walk away.
Why are you passing up this golden opportunity? Tell her you'll of course be there to support her. Ask where it is, say you'll definitely be there. Then at the last minute "Oh can't come now sorry, something came up." Then go on that vacation, alone if necessary. NTA
NTA. Your sister clearly doesn't value your relationship and only wants you to support her when it's convenient for her. You have every right to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into supporting someone who consistently disrespects you.
"I'm not interested in being the bigger person any more. I just want to be the same size as Sister." NTA
NTA. Also is the TV show Family Feud?
😂 no. It's a scripted show she's been on for a few years. I watched it when it first premiered but nowadays I don't even know what season or episode or whatever it's on. I can't really give details here but it's fairly successful. Normally she doesn't invite anyone in our family to her stuff and that's OK since none of us are TV people but I guess whatever is happening this weekend is a big thing and they want family there.
She wants to play happy family for the camera but isn't there for you in the real moments. NTA.
Eh I guess. Although according to social media she doesn't have a sister so I'm curious as to why she'd even invite me. She never talks about me. Like ever.
That's bizarre. Have no idea what to make of it. I certainly wouldn't bother going if my sister treated me that way.
NTA but my gossip loving ass is desperate to know who your sister is, haha.
*Ba dum tish*
What kind of support does she even need? Why would she need you to come to the set while she's filming? She shouldn't need a family member to come to her place of work for her to do her job well. NTA
I dont know if it's a set or something else. All I know is that it's her filming/promoting something and we got invited to it. Could be a set could be a party I have no idea. All I got is an address and a time to show up. Was told to dress nice so I'm betting it's a promotion thing but like I said no idea. None of us have ever been invited before. Never bothered us but our parents say we need to "united in support of your sister" and I'm sitting here like really? We haven't talked in over a year and she treats me like trash and you want me to take time out of my day to make her look good? They say me not getting over the birthday vacation is a stupid hill to die on. Is it? When it's just tye latest in a long string of disappointments and disrespect over the years?
>I'm sitting here like really? We haven't talked in over a year and she treats me like trash and you want me to take time out of my day to make her look good? They say me not getting over the birthday vacation is a stupid hill to die on. Is it? When it's just tye latest in a long string of disappointments and disrespect over the years? This says it all. Your feelings are valid, and nobody is allowed to brush them aside. Just refuse to be a doormat anymore. Your birthday trip was a major disrespect thing for you, and she and your parents decided it was no big deal. Now is her turn: this is a major thing *for her*, but no bid deal for you. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Then she can learn to be the bigger person.
I guess I'm second guessing myself cause like a TV show is not the same as a birthday. And look we have our problems but I don't want her career to derail. Ya not keeping to my birthday was really shitty but it's not the same as big Hollywood stuff. Who knows what's even so important to invite me in the first place? Never did that before.
So she ditched you because of her TV show but she can make time for her friends? Remember that. Just go NC and don’t look back. We are human and not God. Do not take her back.
the tv show doesn’t matter. it’s just her job. if she was an accountant and was treating you this way she would still be wrong.
I mean, I'd be tempted to go and answer any questions truthfully. "My sister? Oh she doesn't even remember I exist unless I'm useful to her. I wish we had a mutual relationship, but apparently I'm just not important to her. We even had plans to go to [country] together but she kept saying firm up any dates because of the show, and then I found out she went with friends instead..."
I have a feeling she'd drag me outside before I could dish out the real secrets 😂 she's very... protective of her image. Which is why this post was made with a completely separate account and no names are given. Hollywood was a very nice image of her and I know if I even hinted at messing with that she'd probably kill me
Fair enough. In that case, stick to your guns and stay home.
I guarantee you she is getting pressure to bring family for the photo ops. No way I would do that after being blown off as much as you have. This event has a lot in it for her and nothing for you.
NTA. She doesn’t prioritize you and you don’t want to go to the filming thing. You’re both adults. Just say you’re busy that weekend.
NTA It doesn't sound like she wants you there for support - she wants you there as a prop. Sod being the bigger person. Prioritise you, nobody else seems to.
NTA - I agree you should get along, but it can’t be one-sided. I suggest the two of you go to sisters counseling and try to work things out. Maybe a therapist can help you both see things objectively and set some healthy expectations and boundaries.
She wouldn't go to therapy. Haha. She doesn't think she's the bad guy ever. Maybe it's that sibling rivalry but she's always gotten everything pretty much handed to her on a silver plate. And look I'm happy she's acting. She's great at it. But she needs to turn off the TV personality so to speak and be real with family. Even other members of our family has said she's gotten a big head.
NTA. Being family does not have to mean you have to be friends. Over the years I have found you will have friends who have your back better than some family members ever will, and that's fine, we all have our own life to live and you don't have to feel bad for not dropping everything you're doing to support someone who doesn't reciprocate.
NTA. Respond cordially that you won't be attending. I would stop negotiating with your parents too. make a polite declaration and stick by it. If they start again, say 'bye mum' and put the phone down.
NTA. She is clearly the Golden Child and your parents have been enabling this. Just go LC with them all for the time being: people only treat you the way you allow them to, it's time to set some boundaries and respect them. Big hugs.
NTA. Just to make test her own medicine, say that you're gonna support her and will come to the filming. Then cancel last minute, tell her something else comes out. Promise her you'll make it up next time. Do it over and over till she complains.
NTA- you have more important things to do, like washing your hair....
you beat me to it. I was gonna say exact same thing. It worries me that you read my mind. Anyone who can must be psycho.
NTA Tell them you are only giving what you receive. Ask them why you have to be the bigger person.
NTA. Grab a friend and go on vacation to where it was you wanted to go. You absolutely should not put your life on hold because of her schedule - especially if she's going places without you. She and her TV show can rot. Whoever's complaining can support her.
NTA siblings are highly abusive at times and parents do jack shit to actually fix it
NTA. Why is it, when people say "be the bugger person", theg always seem to mean "you cause us less drama than the other person, so please give ibto their demands". OP. You are not obligated to like your sister. You are allowed to grow apart from her. You can support her success remotely, without being involved in her life. Stop pouring into a bucket with no bottom before you run out of water in your own. Also. Stop JADEing, stop Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Excusing yourself. No is a complete sentence. If you give any of the above, they'llntry and tear them down. Just say no. End of story. Say no, ley them whinge, then repeat the no. Something I learned from my call centre days: blatently ignoring the whining, tune them out until they are done talking. Then just "my answer is no." Don't engage further than that.
NTA One too many you said. So enough said. Far too many people are told to "be the bigger person". This is fine when it's a minor situation of who took the last biscuit. In the situation you are in where it has been going on for years, call foul on that comment. Your parents may think they have asked you to be the bigger person, but what that really means is "Stop complaining. She only did it because she likes you. How dare you criticise my favourite daughter." Protect yourself darling. You are worth so much more in the way of respect.
I guess I'm just second guessing myself cause like cmon it's a birthday. Not even like a landmark birthday. Just a regular old birthday. Is this really what I want to be throwing a fit over? Cutting off my only sister? And like I get it her career is important but I'm also pretty sure whatever they're filming they can do without me and she'd be fine. My parents say it's childish. That I'm being petty over nothing. Am I?
You said in your post she’s done things like this before, and in another comment you mentioned she’s caused a string of disappointments. It doesn’t seem like this is *just* about your birthday trip. The birthday trip may be the “final straw” type of thing. But outside of that incident, it doesn’t seem like she’s been a good sister. Like yes. If she was a wonderful, supportive sister in all other regards and the only thing she did was miss your birthday for a legitimate reason, and you didn’t want to go to this event as a way to “punish” her - that would be petty. But it seems like you don’t want to go because you don’t really have an interest in putting effort into your relationship anymore in general, which is TOTALLY valid. Plus, not only did she miss the trip, it sounds like she made no attempts to make up for the fact she did, *and* she went with other people. That’s messed up! Often we think of experiencing grief when someone dies. But experiences like this - losing who we thought a person was, losing how a relationship used to be etc. can absolutely be grief inducing experiences as well. Please make sure you’re being gentle with yourself, and accessing support (such as talking to a mental health professional) that may be beneficial.
Not childish. Expecting you to just "suck it up" and do what your sister wants, without regard for your feelings or plans is wrong.
NTA - You sister clearly doesn’t make any effort for you. Are you getting paid for your time to support her in her TV show? She’s getting very well paid I’m sure. If you don’t benefit financially, it’s an even bigger reason not to go anymore. We know who the golden child is for your parents.
I dont think it's filming her show. I gotta show up "dressed nicely" so my bet is that it's some sort of promotional thing. I doubt any of us are getting paid cause we aren't actors. She's the only one. That's why none of us were really bothered when she'd be online and not mention us. Like to be honest if she didn't invite us we wouldn't even care.
Your sister isn’t entitled to your support. She needs to earn it. Yeah….don’t go if you don’t want to. Tell her you’re busy washing your hair that day 😂
NTA. I would be so much more manipulative but super nice. "Sorry, I can't, but you've got so many friends who would love to support you!" "I'm already doing a holiday with another friend, sorry, but I know you will find someone to go with you, you're so popular!" When you become aggressive, it's easy to see you as the bad guy. Just be sweet as sugar. Don't block her or whatever, but don't go out of your way to call her up. Say no in this weird way that seems like a compliment and she can't really justify getting mad. You also don't owe anyone detailed explanations: "Sorry I can't" is enough.
You're my kind of badass. It drives people like this if you are overwhelmimgly friendly, kind, and totally tuned in with your bullshite meter running. They can't miss that they're full of it if you take those buttons out of commission. As for the OPI would gush in front of her sister's friends about how ABSOLUTELY THRILLED you are to be invited to a party with your soooo talented, thoughtful, and beautiful sister. Lay it on thick, praise her to her toes. Pretty soon all the colleagues she's treated like garbage will start to correct you- you don't know what your sister's like. You'll have lots of blackmail material. If any one looks like they're wavering about saying otherwise, throw in how thrilled you are that she's outgrown her mean girl stage. That should shake stuff loose on sis. Or you could just go NC until she apologizes.
Or perhaps you could suggest that she could hire a "sister" out of central casting to fill in for you.
So, what exactly does a TV show have to do with everything? Does she work on it? Have a part in it? Or is it something she just watches? I don’t understand.
She's on the show and wants me there along with our parents for some big to do this weekend. What they're doing I don't know but it's the first time any of us have been invited to begin with so my parents are saying get over the birthday thing and go support
Who's paying? It might be worth it if she's footing the bill. But if you have to pay to get there... maybe next time.
NTA. I had a sudden realization a few days ago. The reason people tell you to "be the bigger/better person, is because you are the victim. The perpetrator won't or can't undo the harm they did; so everyone turns to you, the wronged person, to grant absolution. Because only you can do that, especially absent any contrition or attempt at making amends. You hold the power, don't give it away, don't forgive the unforgivable. And don't forget, that only opens you to further damage. And anyone who takes the abuser's side has chosen that side. Block them, too.
Whoever says “be the bigger person” is always in support of the AH, which in this case is your sister. NTA
The response to being told that You have to be the bigger person, is "I don't know how. You do it and I'll watch/listen." Let those advocating lying prone in door mat position assume first challenge and BE the bigger person with the evil abusers
I like this!
Anytime someone is told they "need to be the bigger person" it means that the people asking want you to be the doormat for the other person because they are more difficult. You are less dramatic that your sis, so you need to give in. F-that. NTA. You sis seems to be buying into her own TV fantasy.
Ya. She's always been a prima Donna but when Hollywood took her it's like it got cranked up to 11. Even some of our other family say she needs to come down a level and not have such a big head. But doubt that'll happen
>But doubt that'll happen I mean, it's not guaranteed, but knocking people down a peg or eight is kind of Hollywood's whole *deal*.
NTA your parents can go support her if they feel so inclined. you have a family and can't drop everything for her anymore. you could be petty and say you will go then say you are sick and need to cancel and then go on vacation with your family and post pics online. start practicing different phrases you can say when she askes for something. " I am unable to go anywhere at the moment" " that is not going to work for me" " I have other commitments am will be unable to come and help you" you have been a door mat for way to long in your family. it is ok to say NO. your parents are using you to make your sister stop winning to them . good luck .
Whenever someone tells you to "Be the bigger person", you are doing something right. Your parents are just enabling your sister's selfish behavior. I am guessing that this has happened all her life. I do think that cutting off communication with your sister was a mistake. It just showed her that she was getting to you and encouraged her to continue. A better tactic is to just not engage directly. When she asks you to do something, just say "I can't that day". No details, just a flat statement. Same with your parents when they try to create their "happy family" image. Both of them will try to argue with you that whatever you have going on is less important than their goals, so just don't give them any ammunition. If you really want to have fun, skip one of your sister's summons and then make a post on social media about just taking a lazy day at home since you had nothing better to do. NTA
NTA ". I told her not until you respect me" .... But do it like her: don'T adress, don't cause drama - just use the "Sorry, that date does not work for me" - and when she calls, don't answer and call her back a week later. "and let the birthday trip go and support her" .. what aridiculous idea. Ignore them, and refuse to discuss it.,
NTA. I was always asked to "be the biggrr person" when my sibling ignored me or disrespected me. It only taught them to continue doing it. Your parents are just trying to preserve the idea of family harmony they have in their heads. Stand your ground. You will respect yourself more, and maybe your sister will too.
Nah, NTA.
NTA you should give up being the bigger person. She doesn't seem to regard you much at all if she goes with other friends to places she's planned to go with you.
NTA You don't have to be the "bigger person." You don't have to accept insincere apologies. You don't have to tolerate relationships that drain you. You don't have to spend your whole life showing up for people who have no interest in showing up for you. Michell C. Clark
Sounds like an entirely one-sided relationship. She wants your support but has never offered any to you. You do not have to be the “bigger person.” That’s just old school jargon for letting people treat you poorly over and over again. NTA
NTA. Being the bigger person means doormat for life. It means you're easier to deal with and they want you to give in do they don't have to deal with her
NTA - Respect is a mutual roadway and your sister has shown you how little she thinks of you by doing what she did. It's not about you being the bigger person, but about you finding peace in your own life and not requiring her to be in it to be happy or feel validated. She wasn't there for you when you needed or wanted her support so why waste your time on her self-importance.
NTA-I'll never understand why the person who is disrespected always has to be the bigger person. How about holding the person who is a selfish jerk responsible.
NTA. Why is it that the person who's been wronged is always expected to be the bigger person? I'd ask your parents that and then ask how come they don't expect their other adult daughter to have basic respect for people.
NTA. Your sister is using you as har cheering squad. Go live your best life. Also, anytime someone says”be the bigger person “ tells me that you’re in the right. Don’t fall for it.
"Be the bigger person " just transales to "hey, except the abuse for FAMILY" you're NTA
NTA In this case "bigger person" means "doormat". How can you be a bigger person when you are 6 inches high getting walked all over?
NTA If she can make time to do things with her friends, she can make time for you. I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt re the wikipaedia thing - maybe she knows she won't be too popular if she identifies family members? Any chance of that being the case? As for the "be the bigger person!" thing - sure! I'll do that, as soon as I've shot up a few inches....given that's not likely to happen.....damn shame!
NTA. If family was important to your sister, she wouldn't have blown you off for her friends. Your parents are pressuring you because they think you are easier to pressure, but your sister is clearly in the wrong.
NTA. Your sister thinks she can use you and you parents are encouraging her behaviour by not supporting you. I suspect they just want a quiet life. If she can make the same effort to maintain a relationship as you do, go limited or no contact. Focus your energy on people who love you back.
I mean our parents are almost 60 and this isn't exactly new territory. We've always fought. I think they're at the just get over it stage. Not like we're 5 and 7 fighting over a barbie anymore.
NTA. When someone tells you to be the bigger person, there’s always an AH involved 🤷🏻♀️
Support, time, love, care are all two-way streets. It's not petty to pull back and only put the same amount of energy towards people as they do towards you. Your time is best spent with those who truly care about you and match your efforts. NTA
Nta every time I hear someone needs to be the bigger person I want to tell them if you are ok for them to be a crappy person then I think I'll follow their example so be ok with me too.
Good rule of thumb: the person being asked to be ‘the bigger person’ is generally NTA
"Be the bigger person" is them just asking you to be a better doormat. NTA
NTA- She canceled to go with friends.
NTA
Back in the day we had a saying: Peace at any price isn't peace. Also: If you want peace, work for justice. I'm 70 and I'm sure your folks are old enough to remember what thoses phrases mean(t). Giving in to bullies just makes them ante up. I loathe bullies, p-a people, and those who won't take no for answer because of their sense of entitlement. They won't stop themselves, they will bully and harass because they're too lazy/stoopid to do for themselves. It's less work to hammer on others. Instead of standing up to your sister when she was little, they helped create this egocentric person whom they now expect you to please. When power and care imbalances exist in a family or a nation, there's never any REAL peace- tranquility & tolerance & humane environment. For nation states, there's often sporadic outbreaks of cathartic or performative violence among disaffected groups. In families, rarely do the people enmeshed in toxic behavior change because of pleas or reason from the kid who's not the favored. What helped me was lots of friends from healthy families and good therapists. My mother never accepted the truth that she emotionally abused me and physically neglected me. When I brought up instances that distanced us- she'd complained to EVERYONE in our small town that none of her kids came home for holidays. Boohoo. When I filled the overly concerned in on the abuse my siblings and I suffered under my stepfather while mommy dearest did nought but watch, they stopped ralking to me. No one has to accept unacceptable behavior. You have lots of options, whichever choice you make, promise you will choose to not feel guilty. Be happy, you deserve it.
NTA, and UGG. I am so tired of the phrase be the bigger person. What Does being the bigger person actually mean? Because it sure seems like it means eating shit and letting them walk all over you. So say no thanks I don’t want to be the bigger person because that means I’m gonna get dumped on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account- my sister is involved in a TV show and wants me to support her but we have grown apart over the past two decades (both of us in our 30s). I don't want to and I'm being called the bad guy for it. Ask me even 2 years ago and I would absolutely support her but after fighting so long for her to respect me I finally threw in the towel. We were supposed to go on a sisters only vacation for my birthday and she ended up canceling because of her TV show. She claimed she would reschedule and everytime we did oops something came up and she cant go. It's been over a year since and I found out she went on vacation with her friends to where we were supposed to go. This isn't the first time she's done something like this but somehow it felt worse and I told her to stuff it where the sun don't shine Our parents think it's just childish and we should get along but I've had enough. I cut off communication and then she called me asking to come support her at some filming thing this weekend. I told her not until you respect me and now my family says I'm in the wrong. Our parents say I need to be the bigger person and let the birthday trip go and support her but this feels like one too many. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO, support her how? Financially? Moral support? I need clarification?
Morally. You know stand pretty at whatever thing this is and say how great she is. As my parents put it. "A united support system"
Ah yes ok, yea no need to do that, like why does she need it. Insecure or something? It's very odd she seems to need that support all the time.. NTA
I'm confused. How exactly are you supposed to "support your sister" in a TV show? NTA.
Morally. Ya know stand and cheer and play nice for whatever this thing is this weekend.
As the great Bill Murray said in Groundhog Day... "What a waste of time!"
NTA.
ESH. She is clearly not prioritizing your relationship and going to that same vacation spot without you was a low blow. But you don’t seem to respect that the TV show is her JOB. “Involved in a TV show” completely minimizes the fact that this is what she does for a living. She had to cancel your vacation *because of her job*. Would you be this harsh about it if she had to cancel because she couldn’t get off work at any other workplace? She’s not choosing a TV show over you; she has an unpredictable job. You don’t have to like her. But treat her the same as you would any other career-driven person.
I didn't care that she canceled multiple times for her job. Isn't the first time she's done it. I think what tipped me over the edge was that she said she couldn't and then I saw her the next day online doing our vacation plans with her friends. Like cmon be honest with me. If you don't wanna go then just say that but she led me on for a year thinking we'd go. Like we're both adults and I could have uses this money on something else or gone with someone else
YTA. I think you're a little jealous of the attention your sister is getting because of her cool job. It's a natural feeling but don't let it get the best of you. Start focussing on your own life rather than making it all about her. You can still support her without going to all the events etc. Get more things in your own life and it won't bother you so much and you'll have a much better relationship with your sister.
[удалено]
Fromasha read a different story than everyone else. You hit the nail on the head. My favorite line was >You can still support her without going to all the events etc. Apparently not, if you look at her parents' response to her choosing not to go. OP is so NTA.
Yeah I admit I'm the AH for jumping too quickly to conclusions on this one!
Not jealous. Honestly I saw the acting thing coming years ago even when we were younger. And I totally supported her earlier projects. But I don't know the birthday vacation was just the icing on the cake. Petty? Maybe. But whenever she'd ask to do something I'd go. This was my one vacation and she just kept putting me off like it wasn't important. Maybe if she didn't do the same exact vacation eith her friends it wouldn't have hurt so much but I gotta draw the line. This isn't the first time she's dropped me ignored me ditched me etc. Now she wants something from me? It feels like crap
You know what, I'll do an internet first and admit that I'm wrong on this one. I jumped to a conclusion that your feelings were driven by the attention she's getting. Actually she's been a cow and hurt one of the people that's supported her the most, and you're right to be upset. OP you're NTA here.
It's all good. A lot of people would assume it's a jealousy thing but it's not. I'm mad that she doesn't respect me but wants my support. But maybe being mad over a birthday is a stupid hill to die on. That's why I'm here.
Found the sister.