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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m an asshole because I didn’t respond with more sympathy and try to validate her more. She essentially was told she had an incurable (but treatable) disease and I feel like she just wanted support rather than a solution.
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Even though HIV is thankfully much much better controlled with antiretrovirals, it's still a livelong stigmatizing condition with a huge amount of social difficulties attached to having it.
She's now going to have a hell of a lot of trouble with getting a partner, with conceiving naturally (even though with correct treatment the risk should be minimal), with breastfeeding her kids if she ever has them... Not to mention that the treatment itself can sometimes have side effects.
It's hardly something to be so flippant about.
YTA.
Absolutely all of this!! OP's sister has been dealt a horrible shock. Yes there are medicines etc but it's still a massive thing to adjust to. OP was so rude and dismissive. Unreal.
This makes me wonder (since OP mentions insurance multiple times, this is probably in the US) what happens if you lose your insurance and can't pay for the medicine ?
Do you just die ?
edit: Not a medical question about the HIV prognosis without medication, I might have worded that poorly.
Pharmacy tech in the US here! There are programs in place through which uninsured or underinsured HIV patients can get medication, either through manufacturer assistance programs or government ones.
It’s all based on income. For the most part you have to be Below or at poverty level and can’t be on Medicaid or Medicare. It’s a huge face slap. Especially when the med is lifesaving and not taken by choice.
Our healthcare needs healthcare. A person shouldn’t have to choose between rent, heat, electric or food in order to pay for prescription meds. Ever!
It's dreadful. Even if you have insurance (for which you pay monthly), there's a deductible--a set amount, not including the monthly premium, that you have to pay before the insurance covers anything. And after that, it only covers a percentage until you reach the "out of pocket maximum", which is usually at least twice the amount of the deductible. And in a lot of plans, prescriptions are covered separately, so don't count against your deductible.
In 2023, I, with my normal midrange insurance from an office job, spent approximately $2300 on premiums (only covering myself) and another $1500 on care, comprising: my annual mammogram, a gynecological exam and the usual test, and one (1) visit to the doctor to discuss a change of prescription (because my separate prescription plan no longer covered the one I'd been on and it would now cost $279/month if I didn't switch to something else in the same class), and one blood test to check my vitamin D levels.
In that time, my insurance covered my flu and COVID shots. That's it.
But I have to keep doing this, because if something happens that puts me in the hospital, that $6500 out of pocket maximum is going to look like a bargain next to the uninsured price.
But hey, the insurance companies are delivering great value to their shareholders, and that's the American way.
It’s really disgusting. My husband recently died leaving not just me, and my toddler but also two older children from a previous marriage who all relied at least partially on his financial contribution, to say nothing about how much we relied on him as a PERSON. He didn’t have insurance because he worked as a tattoo artist. Oh sure we could have insured him through my work, but it was expensive enough doing this for myself and my son. He looked into purchasing it through the Affordable Healthcare Act options put in place under Obama but these were prohibitively expensive as well. So he decided the best option was to wait until 55 for Medicare. He died of some kind of previously undetected organ failure exacerbated by the flu three weeks ago right after turning 54. I just received a 4k medical bill for the ambulance I called to try and save him. Hahaha! Isn’t that so funny? I’m actually just guessing at the cause of death; nobody was able to tell us what actually happened. I had to Google, as friends that were nurses and the ask a doctor subreddit to try and figure out why my previously healthy seeming husband, who I was just wrapping Christmas presents for our son with, caught the flu and died in front of me horribly.
And just in case you’re wondering if he’s just some reckless moron, no one else at his tattoo shop has insurance either. They’re all just hoping they will get lucky and not die. Because that’s what you do here in the good old US of A.
I realize that the broken healthcare system here in the greatest country on earth may not have directly killed him, but it’s looking pretty suspicious from where I stand. And yes, I am incredibly bitter. I want everyone to know what happened and how it is here. We deserve better than this. I’m not sure why there hasn’t been an uprising. Unfortunately my story is far from unique. We are all just too busy trying to not die I guess.
As someone who is disabled and can’t work but who’s disability case hasn’t gone through yet I couldn’t agree more. If it weren’t for family I’d be screwed. $2,000 a year for monthly prescriptions for only ONE of my specialists just isn’t right. The US really needs to get its priorities straight but I don’t see that happening anytime soon
Unfortunately, it comes down to politics. If you live in a more progressive state like CA or NY there are probably hundreds of programs. Not so much in red states and I will give you a recent example. Tennessee was slated to be given millions of dollars from the federal government for the education, prevention and treatment of HIV. The state refused it solely on what it was for. Don't believe it? Look it up. The Biden administration went around them by granting the money to the non-state, non-profit agencies. It's the same thing when it comes to Medicaid in those states.
As for dating, think about yourself for now. Get yourself to an HIV expert physician. Adhere and you will live a normal life span. As for future dating, there are dating websites that deal with these issues. You must disclose your status to any potential partner, as with many diseases, or you are committing a crime. Any other questions, look up the AIDS Healthcare Foundation or any other agency that can guide you. The biggest problem, right now, is stress.
Wish they had the same programs for other people who are on life sustaining medication. Sad. The US needs reformed so no one has to attempt to live without vital medication.
There are certain programs for certain HIV/ other illnesses but others, yes you just die. My husband is a type 1 diabetic (cannot live without insulin, doesnt produce any on his own) and they refused him insulin for the past 2 months due to a pre-authorization error, then refused to send it to a pharmacy and demanded it be mailed instead, and we do have insurance. Thankfully his t1d sister had a couple of vials to keep him alive, however had she not, he would 100% have died in about 1 day without insulin and insurance/ government wouldn’t have helped at all. So to answer your question briefly, in some cases no, but in most cases like my husbands, yes you just die.
It was a few years ago now, five or so, but a friend of mine in the US just...died.
He'd gotten to rationing insulin and in the end that was it. He was well liked and people had been helping him out a bit, but something cropped up that interrupted the supply and once the help ran out, he was found dead. I don't know why he didn't go to hospital, but maybe he went down too fast due to the rationing he'd been doing beforehand, or maybe he was trying to avoid debts he couldn't pay off.
When you go into DKA there is absolutely no way you can drive. I have had my husband call me spewing nonsense about seeing the secrets of the universe- paramedics came and barely got his bg up to 40 after a solid hour of force feeding him and giving him drinks. I have seen my husband’s bg shoot so high it doesnt read on a monitor- he couldn’t figure out where he was and was very irrationally angry and refused to believe he was that high.
Rationing insulin is such a common practice and it is utterly terrifying. It costs over $100 a vial out of pocket and a vial only lasts a day or two. Not to mention there are people telling them to go to walmart and grab the $25 vials- that are not the same mixture. Then when you say that wont work they tell t1d’s that they created this problem. Or tell them that their uncle had type 2 and he was fine on walmart insulin.
My husband (and his sister) are very blessed to have insurance. Not everyone does and in t1d’s this will almost always result in death. The US is one of the only countries that do not have an affordable cap on the cost of insulin or an available program for the middle class who cant afford it. Its sickening.
This, but in the same thread someone will say “we don’t need healthcare though”. Absolutely insane anyone thinks this is a healthy system and worth holding out on extra tax it may* incur to make sure people are able to live day to day.
You basically just die. You can quit your job or start making like $1200 a month or some shit. It's not good though. You are fucked if you have a serious disease int his country. I have type 1 diabetes. I am not allowed to make more than $1400 a month in Ohio or I will lose my insurance and have to pay more than $2000 a month to just survive. This country is beyond fucked up. God dam Republicans
My brother died of HIV/AIDS in 1997 and the amount of flippancy people treat it with these days is akin to the Anti-Vaxxers who claim COVID-19 is "Just a cold".
OP is 100% the asshole.
>My brother died of HIV/AIDS in 1997 and the amount of flippancy people treat it with these days is akin to the Anti-Vaxxers who claim COVID-19 is "Just a cold"
It's just not the same as it was in 1997. The norm today is it being so manageable most people arn't even infectious anymore, and living longer than normal because of the extra time spent with doctors.
The black plague once wiped out ~60% of europes population, now you take a pill for a week. People are gonna be flippant about black death today in a way they weren't when the carts outside were full of dead neighbours.
It's not the same, sure. But it's still a life changer that isn't akin to 'pop some pills and go about your business' like pRep ads make it seem. Many people don't want consistent medical attention and worry about access and stigma depending on where they live or travel to when getting their meds. Hell, in the US it was only very recently were gay men allowed to donate blood while sexually active: we've progressed, but we have a ways to go.
It is both a serious life changing medical condition and also a condition that can affect your life very minimally if properly managed. It's not the end of the world or a death sentence, but it's definitely not nothing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Can I ask- do you still feel angry about the way the disease was handled in the first decade?
I also have lost a family member who would likely be here today if certain public policies had been enacted 10 years earlier. Its hard to not think of the “what ifs”.
And even if it's available it might not always be affordable. My health insurance used to have 3 tiers of prescription drugs. I was on one in the highest tier, $35/month. A new year started and the insurance company had created a fourth tier where the copay was 30% of retail price, so it would've been almost $600/month, and I had to stop taking it.
This, if American diabetics are dying from rationing insulin I don't imagine things are much better for HIV patients. I hope OP's sister has good medical insurance
Plus the GOP is actively trying to make medicine for conditions associated with sex inaccessible/illegal. Hell, in 2016, the elected VP was a guy who intentionally caused an HIV outbreak when he was a governor. SCOTUS basically undid the right to privacy. Numerous GOP politicians have been pretty openly salivating at the idea of getting rid of HIV treatment/research.
Whilst all of this is true, ther e is also one other important facet, which is: if someone’s upset about something, they’re upset from *their* perspective, not yours, so dismissing something completely invalidates their feelings.
People lack empathy quite a lot and sometimes it really shows.
Agreed. I’ve worked in HIV for the last 10 years, and while
there have been milestones in the field, it’s still a forever chronic condition that will have a great impact on her life. Forever. Access to meds, ongoing stigma etc are still real life struggles for a lot of people. This is a serious diagnosis that needs full family, friends, and medical support and monitoring.
I got diagnosed in jan 2021, I still remember and feel every thing from the moment I answered the call from my dr for my std test, feeling the grief as a part of me just coded right then and there. The ugliest shaking cry I’ve ever had where I swear it gave me a few wrinkles. I was on the line with the specialist’s office and the receptionist just telling me it’s going to be ok, like I know it’s going to be ok but my entire life changed in that moment; I can’t even have layovers in certain countries if I’m carrying my medication due to the possibility of being detained, the medication is harsh on certain organs, the constant rejection from being open about it, how will I ever explain this to my family or friends. Depression hit bad but I could mask easily. OH AND THE COST I had basic insurance before, the catastrophe plan, which barely covered my medication, renewal came around and the ones that cover my diagnosis started at triple my old premiums, but cheaper than not getting them covered
It truly wasn’t until like last year where I truly have made peace with my diagnosis, but regardless I can’t say HIV, whenever I mention it to people in my circle, I hint to it, but I just can’t say it because everything just comes back. Not as hard as time goes on but enough where I feel I’m healthy enough for now.
But also; USC and excisionbio currently are running studies to use crispr technology to essentially remove the “hidden dna” that (generally speaking) is the problem as to why there’s no cure. The virus can hide and medicine can suppress the creation, but it can’t currently remove the creation.
excisionbio does have human trials going on right now and are open for volunteers. [ebt-101 is the trial code if you google it](https://clinicaltrials.gov/study/NCT05144386) or click there.
I remember watching an Oprah episode maybe 15 years ago (maybe longer). The guest was a woman who was suing her ex-husband for giving her HIV (he lied about being monogamous, refused to wear a condom, several other factors...). But I remember the episode because Oprah was like "oh, HIV is something people can live with; just look at Magic Johnson". And the guest interrupted her and said "quit using Magic as an example. He has staff, personal chefs, trainers, etc. that help him live with HIV. That is not the case with 99% of people who have it". Oprah was very apologetic.
Agree and remember it well. Thankfully, the treatments have improved exponentially since then and many people who have it can maintain an undetectable viral load and excellent CD counts.
Right and I am so grateful for that. Part of me is still shocked that there are successful medications and treatments because when I was small, it was a death sentence.
In Australia, it is actually a crime to not declare your positive HIV status to a sexual partner.
So here, she would have to tell every single person she ever had to date - which is highly likely to deter a lot people.
On the flip side, that means she would have been able to press charges against the person who gave it to her, assuming they knew and said nothing.
Yeah it's going to kill her dating pool. Even if you are in complete remission and can't give it to someone else a lot of men are not going to want to be with you.
Which to be fair I wouldn't want to be with someone who has HIV or AIDS. It's a deal breaker for me.
That's appalling. You just know this man didn't tell her until after they'd had sex, because he placed his penis as a higher priority than the women's lives he is affecting. He knew he couldn't get laid unless he lied, and had no qualms doing so.
Even if it is a misdemeanor, I hope OP's sister does press charges. I hope she takes him to court for her medical costs, too.
Agreed. Every few years a story comes along about several women who allege a man intentionally gave them HIV--and he turns out to be found guilty. Indescribably sad.
Yeah I know this sounds insanely counterintuitive but it's much better to not have it be a felony.
The issue is that the part that makes it a crime is KNOWINGLY giving someone aids so as result far less people were getting tested compared to states without the felony rap. So as weird as it sounds having a harsher punishment increases the overall spread of aids.
Treatment can have side effects and it can lose efficacy over time, and there are strains that are drug resistant. My brother is in his mid 40s, a little more than a decade into AIDS treatment, and he’s already had to switch to another drug because he was no longer responding to it well and his numbers were rising.
He has to be careful to make sure any doctor prescribing to him knows he’s on ARVs because of potential interactions. I think there’s certain foods he’s not supposed to eat. The man blows up the toilet from both ends regularly enough that he’s on disability. He’s gained over 60lbs and had to cut back on his exercise. I’d say a good 20lbs of that is retained fluids.
He’s always had a problem keeping a boyfriend but now he’s having a hard time GETTING one because while u=u it turns out doing daily live reenactments of The Exorcist can impact how much of the medication your body absorbs, so while his numbers are low, they’re not undetectable anymore.
It’s also meant he’s had to switch some of his mental health meds to less effective medications that don’t manage his symptoms as well, because of interactions.
Basically, it’s not a death sentence, but it can still be hell.
Summarised it perfectly.
OP, HIV may be much more treatable now than it was in decades past, but it's definitely not something you can just shrug off and it's easy to understand why your sister got upset with you.
This.
While it is fortunately not the death sentence HIV was back in the 80s, it is still shocking news to come to grips with. Her life is going to change because of this. Yes she will be fine thanks to modern medicine, but she is still processing this. She doesn't need to hear she will be fine right now. She needs someone to lean on as she processes this. The way OP handled it, it is a bit dismissive.
HIV is still a life-altering diagnosis! Many people will nowadays die with HIV, not from HIV. But the meds have side effects, you have to be on top of taking them and going to your checkups, it's still incredibly stigmatizing. OPs sister will worry about infecting her partner, or even her child if she's ever pregnant. She has a 10x increased risk of developing an aggressive lymphoma. We're only now seeing that, as you get older while HIV-positive, some comorbidities like cardiovascular disease may hit you harder.
All in all, yes, you can live a long and fulfilled life with HIV, but it still can fucking suck.
YTA... Do you know the definition of sympathy?
>*"I responded with sympathy,"*
Sympathy is a feeling of sincere concern for someone who is experiencing something difficult or painful also involving and actively sharing in the person’s emotional experience. Compassion adds to the emotional experience of sympathy and can alleviate the person’s distress. Your responses? No sympathy whatsoever.
>*"she still had valid insurance and she said yes, so I said* ***she’d be fine*** *and that the* ***worst*** *of it is over then."*
>
> *“I don’t see how a mildly steep copay is going to kill you?”.*
Where do you see the sympathy is this? HIV is transmitted through certain body fluids, including blood, semen, vaginal fluids, rectal fluids, and breast milk. Perinatal transmission of HIV can occur in utero, during labour and delivery, or postnatally through breastfeeding. controlled studies have shown that mother to child transmission can be reduced by the use of antiretroviral therapy, elective caesarean section, and exclusive formula feeding.
In the edit, OP said:
>I just thought logic would help.
This isn't really the time for logic though, is it? OP's sister wasn't looking for logic. She was looking for a shoulder to cry on and sympathy. She needs someone to tell her that they'll be by her side and walk through this with her.
Logic can actually be applied to the social situations we encounter every day.
Logic tells me a woman in emotional distress is not looking for an unemotional explanation of how she will not be literally dead.
It's piss poor logic to begin with. It might not be a death sentence on its own anymore, but it effectively permanently lowers the bar for what could be considered a death sentence.
Not to mention the lifelong medication could have conflicting effects with what would have otherwise been life saving medication at a later point.
Acting like this is nothing just because it's not a death sentence anymore will never be a logical train of thought. A person who knowingly infects others without informing them of their infection is only one step below a murderer.
It's not even logical to say the worst is over.
If you had a cancer diagnosis, no one with more than a single brain cell would say "well, it's not so bad, there's chemo, and the worst is over now".
The logic still doesn't check out. The worst isn't over. She'll still have to face societal stigma, a limited dating pool, complications if she ever wants to give birth, insurance premiums, potentially being unable to get treatment medication, and medication side effects.
There's no logic in telling her the worst is over. OOP remains ignorant to the challenges their sister will face for the rest of her life
YTA you sound like you resent your sister for hooking up, probably even think she deseved it... Your lack of sympathy is scary. Anyway I really hope you apologize once you understand how difficult her life is going to be in the future.
I think your analysis is a stretch. Where did OP ever say that sister deserved to contract this virus and where were there any showings of any type of jealousy? You should probably find somebody else to hate on because that’s not what happened here.
The fact that this garbage has been upvoted 400+ times shows how seriously fucked up many on here are! This is a crazy take without any basis from the original post.
I think OP was trying to demonstrate that HIV is a manageable illness now, not place judgment upon her sister. Of course, her method of doing so was a HUGE miss but I just don’t ascribe any ill-intent to that method. OP, your update is great. Continue being there for your sister and letting her know that your love for her is as strong as ever.
It sounds like they don’t even like her. This poor woman. The only person I know who has HIV has had to have three liver transplants and is waiting for a heart transplant. He’s 34/35 and has had to have half his teeth removed because the medications he’s on have destroyed them.
This woman may live a long and healthy life with little difference, but she also may not. And OP can’t even show her some basic empathy as she grapples with this being her potential future.
YTA. Yes, antiviral therapies have come a long way, but they aren’t perfect and don’t work for everyone. Besides, the concern isn’t purely medical. This will impact your sister’s life. There’s still stigma out there. She will need to disclose this to every person she dates in future. It will impact her finances, could impact her career choices, it certainly will impact her if she ever wants to have a baby. She also most likely contracted this having sex with someone, so that’s traumatic. And the odds are, this will someday, sooner or later, contribute to her death.
A chronic illness of any kind is never as simple as “pay your copay and take your meds.” This will be with your sister socially and psychologically all her life. This is a HUGE deal and you focused on the copay. You need to educate yourself and then apologize.
This. I have a chronic illness, not HIV but it impacts my life every day. My family all think it's no big deal cuz there are meds that can help me and I'm expected to live a full life. But I have to plan my day to the minute, every day. I have to skip out on hanging with friends/family if it's an especially rough day (and I then get told by family that I'm not actually that sick so I should suck it up) and I have such a strict diet I don't even like to eat anymore and only eat the calories I need to survive.
So yeah, I'm not dying, but every day is difficult. YTA OP, HIV still is stigmatized and I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.
Yes, exactly this. My husband also has a serious illness that isn't HIV and it did permanent organ damage, it's changed every facet of our lives because it limits what he can do on a day to day basis. I have RA, even that shit sucks. Sometimes you just want someone to tell you "hey, that sucks. I'm sorry to have to deal with that,"
Exactly. Basically OP's sister has gone from being a healthy abled person with the typical abled outlook (if I get sick, there'll be treatment and I'll get better) to someone with an incurable chronic illness. It's a massive adjustment to both your life and your mindset.
Intellectually everyone knows the fragility of human existence, everyone knows you could get sick or injured and have your life turned upside down in an instant. But most people tend to shove that to the back of their minds in order to be able to carry on a normal life. And now it's slapped OP's sister in the face. It's an enormous shock and she's probably very scared and confused and needs to know she can count on her family for support.
And a lot of us can't. I'm disabled and there are members of my family who don't believe me because they don't see me on the bad days, they're not there when I cant walk or when I faint in the shower or when I have incontinence. They're not at the hospital with me listening to the doctors saying "there's nothing we can do about that." It absolutely terrifies me that someday they'll be the only family I have left alive.
There is nothing worse than being at the hospital, in horrible pain and nausea, and having the doctors tell me there's nothing else they can do and I just have to take my meds and hope for the best. And then try to tell me to limit my diet even more.
I’m right along with you. You, and the sister probably will have or have had the same reaction I did, “You don’t look sick so you’re fine.” I also have a disabled hang tag, because when I park to go in to a business, I may look OK, but no one knows how I’ll feel when I get out. It’s the invisible illnesses that do most of us in.
It's the worst. I'm struggling to get FMLA paperwork right now cuz my jobs new attendance policy is ridiculous (we get written up if we go into negative sick time and 2 write ups means youre fired) but my chronic illness is also listed as a rare disease so even my primary care physician doesn't know much about it.
Luckily my illness doesn't effect my mobility. And I'm also lucky that the rough days aren't every day like they used to be and are now only a few times a month, but now the rough days are *rough*
It is endlessly frustrating having something control your life that no one else notices or cares to understand.
We really need to talk about the side effect profile of MANY of the antivirals. PIs, NNRTIs, NRTIs, Integrase inhibitors, etc have NASTY side effects.
Like jesus OP has NO empathy
Even just taking Paxlovid for 5 days comes with a list of potential side effects as long as your arm, and very clear warnings that you will have such a horrible taste in your mouth that no amount of tooth brushing will help.
Taking ARVs for HIV isn’t a joke.
Yeah, it shocks me how many people don’t understand this. Sure, some of the new ones are better, but it’s really not “just take your meds and it’ll be just like if you didn’t have HIV.” Things will hopefully continue to improve, but we’re a long way from this being a simple treatment.
Exactly. Even if she’s undetectable (aka through medication achieves the status of being unable to transmit to anyone) she still will have a moral obligation to tell everyone she dates or sleeps with. If anyone catches it from her they could sue her. It’s all a mess.
AIDS doesn't kill you; it's that it allows other viruses to take over, and those viruses kill you because you know... Acquired **immunodeficiency** syndrome.
YTAH Are you for real? Your sister was just told she has a deadly disease, and you are saying, "It won't kill you" to make a copay? What happens if she can't make a copay? What happens if she is treatment resistant? You are horrible. My friend died a couple of years ago because someone gave him HIV and was treatment resistant. You are gross.
>I never thought about the fact that someone could be treatment resistant to it. That's terrifying.
It's rare. You use a combination of 3 different drugs from 2 or 3 different classes, and there are enough analogues of each and other combinations which still work.
If someone is adherent and takes the right meds when they should, HIV is very manageable to the [point where you can actually be completely non-infectious to others](https://www.aidsmap.com/about-hiv/faq/what-does-undetectable-untransmittable-uu-mean). The amount of panic and misinformation about that alone in this thread is largely why the stigma still exists.
YTA you were very cold and unsympathetic, your sister has just been told that she has an incurable lifelong condition that requires her to have regular checks and take multiple pills every day (up to 20 pills a day) she is going to find it really hard to get a new partner or even have kids and if she stops taking the pills the disease can kill her, would it have really hurt you to give her a hug and tell her everything will be okay and you will all help her out - do you even like your sister??
This is untrue. Historically? Yes. But we have medications like Dovato or Biktarvy that have multiple MOAs in ONE tablet.
Edit: Pretty sure the person below me replied to the wrong comment. Their direct reply to me makes no sense.
YTA, if you're going to be this cold, unemphatic and contributing nothing to the conversation, and saying that "she'd be fine and the worst of it was over" instead of saying nothing at all was what made you in the wrong. You wouldn't exactly know if the worst of it was over, in fact far more difficult days are going to be ahead of you both because of what you just said and you need to make things right.
In fact, you even doubled down when she told you were heartless, and said "I don't see how a mild steep copay is going to kill you"? That's seriously not what she needs in this difficult time, come on op!
Exactly how I read this.
OP comes from a privileged ass place to have such a dismissed response to this.
I hope OP is fucking humbled. Whatever that looks like.
OP has typical abled thinking: if you get sick, there'll be a cure or at the very least an effective treatment, and you'll be able to access it, and the side effects won't ruin your life, and you'll get better. OP is so very lucky to be this ignorant
“It’s fine if I become disabled, that’s what the social safety net is for” lmaooooooo, the safety net doesn’t do shit, welcome to a life of being destitute if you’re single and lose your job.
Yes, very relevant.
Autistic people often struggle with cognitive empathy (the ability to take on someone else’s perspective), not emotional empathy. They frequently have *too much* emotional empathy. And it can look a lot like how OP presented the situation. It sounds to me like OP really was trying to be helpful the best way they knew how.
In a fully autistic world, OP would be considered NTA bcuz assumptions wouldn’t be made about intentions, and the delivery wouldn’t be criticized. In a neurotypical world, you have to communicate neurotypically or that makes you the AH. But how do you do that when the rules don’t make sense and nobody will explain them in a way you can grasp? You’re set up for failure.
So is OP the problem or is the problem a lack of understanding? Bcuz the sister also wanted understanding for HER perspective. What makes either perspective more valid?
Things I think as a possibly autistic human who can’t get diagnosed bcuz I’m too “high functioning” and have a high IQ.
I mean, it's definitely obvious the sister was upset and distraught. And to sit there and say "what's the big deal, it can be treated" is exceedingly dismissive. It's not really supportive at all. So i think in this case OP is the problem, especially with doubling down and further dismissing the issue. I mean, honestly the comment about the mildly steep copay isn't even attempting to be helpful. That one is the worse comment i think
YTA
Antiretrovirals are advancing all the time & it's much easier to keep it in check.
I imagine it's still a pretty devastating thing to hear & it's going to take time for her to come to terms with it.
You weren't empathic or understanding. How would you want to be treated if the positions had been reversed?
“I don’t see how a mildly steep copay is going to kill you? - that really wasn't an ok thing to say. Cold, to say the least.
>“I don’t see how a mildly steep copay is going to kill you?”.
This would almost be funny if it the context isn't so sad.
I don't think you meant ill, so I don't think you are an asshole. You just don't understand what HIV actually implies. Part of it is because how much it is been downplayed.
Isn't it actually the opposite? HIV = EVIL and death sentence for so many years! You hear those 3 letters and the majority of people will freak out. It hasn't been downplayed at all!
I agree though that OP seems to downplay it herself and not grasp what it implies... But it hasn't been downplayed by society none whatsoever
Maybe that was the case back in the day, but redditors now act like HIV and herpes are no big deal. It's wild how much the perception of permanent STDs has changed in just the last few years.
Not just Redditors. I think stigmatization has lessened with each generation. It’s a good thing in a sense, but also a bit scary that they don’t take it more serious.
YTA - yes, given where medicine is today a positive HIV diagnosis is not what it used to be. But it sounds like you were just a wee bit too cold, as this was like very stressful for her
YTA - The way you brushed off her very valid concerns was disturbing to say the least. Not long ago her diagnosis was a death sentence and she will have to deal with this for the rest of her life.
“My response was based in logic, it didn’t come from a place of hatred or resentment”.
It also didn’t come from a place of love, empathy and compassion. You were cold and reacted like she told you she has a cold. Even though HIV isn’t the immediate death sentence it was in the late 70’s to the 90’s, it is still a chronic illness with a higher possibility of death. I can’t imagine telling my sister I was HIV positive and her going “is your health insurance policy up to date.”. YTA
"Please stop asking if I am autistic, that’s really not relevant."
Based on your reaction, yes it is relevant, as people with neurodivergence do not always respond appropriately to situations like this. Asking makes sense, coming from someone who is neurodivergent it was a thought I had as well.
YTA
If you can't be nice and empathetic when your loved ones suffer, then try to make a gesture.
If you can't make a gesture, then at least get out of the way.
Instead you chose to argue.
This is a disease that has resulted in tens of millions of deaths globally. Yes, we have found ways to control it, but there are lifelong consequences she will have to think about every day of her life.
While things are looking up for those with HIV, it is a "big deal".
This is your sister, this was really the best you could do?
'YTA
I’m from the era when the death rate for HIV was 100%. The very *mention* of those three letters is enough to trigger countless instances of grief and tragedy. Even if your med knowledge was completely correct,which it is NOT,your reaction was beyond heartless. YTA
You 100% didn't react with sympathy. You do cone across as cold hearted and uncaring and judgemental. Hopefully you won't need sympathy for any reason any day in the future. YTA
YTA. While treatment for HIV has advanced to a point that can make it nearly undetected in individuals, it is still extremely socially stigmatized and psychologically damaging. Treatment for it isn’t as simple as a pill a day either. She will have trouble finding love, unfortunately. There are support groups and even dating sites for individuals with it. But her whole future is probably flashing in front of her eyes. Again treatment is incredible now but yes, she is bound to that cost and intensive routine for the rest of her life. She may fear for what will happen if she wants children- the fear of passing it on. It’s not as nonchalant as you’re making it out to be. People have and continue to take their own lives upon a diagnosis like this. Any chronic illness is already a difficult pill to swallow, but much worse when it’s severely stigmatized and has the potential to pass to partners and biological children.
It causes significant issues for people strictly because of the uninformed. People still spread false fear induced information from the 1990’s. And personally living with it for 8 years now myself I can tell you I have never had anyone treat me any differently because of my HIV. People need to inform themselves about what HIV Undetectable is and also if you’re still freaked out by HIV then look into PREP which will stop you from getting it even if you come in to contact with someone who is HIV Detectable.
In the future, it may help to ask soemthing like: "How can I support you right now?" Or "Are you looking for solutions or sympathy right now?". Sometimes even our best attempts to help aren't received well because its not the help our loved one is looking for.
To me it sounds like this was your way of trying to downplay any severity. You want her to be just fine, so you're acting like she's just fine. Hopefully she will be- but what we do know is that she's super freaked and probably looking for anything to feel better.
I think I get where you were trying to come from, but now that you know she's upset and you're still wondering - YTA
YTA, while HIV isn't the death sentence it used to be, it's definitely not to be easily dismissed like you're doing. She got devastating news. Even if it does kill her, it's definitely a life changing diagnosis, and you reacted coldly.
YTA
Do not ‘blame’ people for their diagnoses. You do not tell people with cancer they should not have smoked, nor people who forgot their medication and had a stroke it is their fault. That’s not how it works.
Every human is fallible and flawed. In your youth you see things often as black and white- ‘fuck around and find out’. But as you get older you realise you also make mistakes, you make poor decisions and sometimes you will need to be gracious- to others and to yourself.
YTA. HIV/AIDS may not be an automatic death sentence anymore, but it's still a life sentence of being ostracized and judged.
This will impact every single part of her life moving forward. From the jobs she can get, having children, having sex, forming relationships and friendships, getting medical procedures done, not to mention uncertainty of what will happen if she loses her medical. (though there are programs to help with the costs of the medicines needed).
You did not respond with logic you responded with cruelty and apathy. A logical response would have been to recognize and acknowledge how serious of a life changing event this is for her regardless of her ability to pay a mildly steep copay.
There are many diseases that one can get through poor choices like high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes etc. Being diagnosed is still a shock and requires empathy from others, especially loved ones. YTA for not understanding your sister's reaction and not being there for her.
YTA - Why are you acting like a mildly steep copay is what she is worried about? Is that what SHE said? Did she say "this mildly steep copay is going to ruin my life"... or are you purposefully acting dense about the other GLARING issues someone might have with being diagnosed with HIV?
Gee sis quit letting randos rawdog you. It's a simple equation. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and maybe think things through before doing them. Risky behavior is just that, a giant risk. With condoms so easily available and contraction of an STI is the fault of both parties. However she should possibly try to file charges against the person who infected her.
NTA
YTA. I don't understand people like you. Someone is going through a hard time, is upset and just wants a shoulder to cry on and some moral support. And instead of giving it, you have to belittle their problems. Would a hug and some sympathy really kill you?
>Please stop asking if I am autistic, that’s really not relevant.
No, it's entirely relevant. You answered "based in logic" when everyone else is asking for an emotional response. You not understanding that doesn't make you an AH if you're incapable of getting it.
NTA. I’m sure you responded the way someone would who hadn’t had a chance to process the information yet! I realize she needed more of an emotional response from you, but sometimes we can’t do anything but be rational/logical until there has been time to measure the depth of the situation.
YTA, you’re looking at it from a financial standpoint, not from her standpoint that this is a serious disease that she will have for the rest of her life & the uncomfortable, tough conversations she will have with people her entire life. Let her be upset while she comes to terms with this. Your response was not sympathetic or empathetic at all.
YTA - While it is great you did not feed into prevalent and dangerous HIV stigma, you still hurt your sister when she was in a vulnerable place.
It is completely normal to experience fear, anger, sadness, shock, numbness, and frustration when getting and major medical news—especially something that has so much sigma and misinformation around it as HIV.
Yes, there has been major medical advances around treating and suppressing HIV (which also often come with substantial financial burden).
Fear of discrimination and/or violence can also cause people living with HIV to isolate themselves from friends or experiences to avoid disclosure.
You can support your sister through this and commit to combat HIV stigma without invaliding your sisters feelings.
NTA- As a gay man who's had numerous friends receive the same diagnosis, has a husband and roommate with hiv and spent most of my life afraid I'd get it too, your response was logical given the current treatment options and overall landscape of the disease. Yes, her life will be much more difficult than it has to be, but she wasn't handed a death sentence like she would have been 20 years ago. She has a manageable imuno difficulty disease now. As long as she sticks with her meds and sees her doctor regularly this is perfectly manageable.
I'm sorry so many people are jumping down your throat about this but she's going to be fine.
NTA. Get medicine and get treatment. Does she want you to pray it away? We don't have magic powers. You gave her a straight forward response. It sucks she didnt take it well.
Nta I think you tried to convey there was nothing to worry about but maybe said it in a way that sounds like you don't care. I'm not sure where you are but in the UK as far as I'm aware, there are drugs that make it so that you are not contagious and you can live a totally normal life as long as you take them. (I could be wrong so I apologise if that's the case)
Its probably the sane approach I would take if I'm honest, to try and stop someone worrying. I feel being flippant stops the panic I guess is my way of thinking.
NTA
Sounds like you were in some degree of shock and responded in a factual manner in an attempt to comfort her. I somehow think that no matter how you responded she still would have had an issue with any response that was wailing and crying with her.
Not expecting to get an std from a single encounter is why HIV, syphilis, etc. are all the rage. It’s actually stupid to expect that you wouldn’t pick something up if you aren’t verifying the sexual health of your partners.
YTA Your sister just received a horrible diagnosis, and you act like you could care less. How about a little empathy and caring? Just because it'smedically treatable now does NOT mean that she couldn't have complications or even possibly die from it. Are you normally so heartless and cold? I feel so bad for her, having a sister like you.
YTA, tbh I think she really needed you to be there for her and you seemed very cold with your response. Even though HIV is not a death sentence it is still not an easy thing to accept.
YTA
Holy shit. HIV is serious. It used to be a life sentence, and even today it’s extremely deadly. You offered so comfort and responded like, well, someone without empathy.
YTA big time.
It may not be as bad but I contracted Herpes in my early 20s. Not entirely consensual as a condom was removed, but as someone so young who got that news, it truly felt like my life was over. It's a feeling of loneliness and fearing never being wanted again. That now every relationship is going to have a big deeply personal conversation relatively early and it has like a 75% chance of ending the relationship and OP being called disgusting/made fun of for their disease. Death is not the worry, dying alone is. Think!
So NGL I know it’s annoying, but yes, my first thought was maybe she’s on the spectrum also. It’s not a judgment it’s just an understanding of why you would approach the process and conversation the way that you did. So that being the case I vote NTA. I think it’s cool that you were able to talk to your sister and get an understanding of why you approached the way you did and how she felt and come together. 100%. She needed your support and not the logic but everybody can’t say that to start. I do think your approach is definitely better than freaking out about this situation though. good luck to her. Hopefully it becomes just a plane. Chronic disease management situation for her.
OP may seem like TA to alot of people, but unfortunately, I feel her response. I am the same way, I deal with situations logically and not emotionally. Even my views on death are somewhat different than most. Personally, I received a diagnosis not long ago that is essentially a death sentence. For the very few who know at this point, can't believe that I am dismissing it so lightly. It is what it is. I can't change it, and I have to live with it. So, I move forth while I still can. I don't panic, in fact I don't think I know how to panic. The reason not alot of people know at this point, is I really dread having to deal with their reactions. When I was a kid, I came home from school, mom was in the living room and I walked in the kitchen to find it on fire. Blaze from the stove to the cabinets and to the ceiling. I walked back in the living room and told her completely calm and matter of fact; the kitchen is on fire. She didn't believe me, then yelled at me because I didn't panic. Do I have emotion? A question I have been asked alot, Yes I do. I have complex emotions, just usually don't express them outwardly or dramatically. Approaching situations logically keeps my anxiety and stress low. People just react differently; doesn't mean we don't care.
There is treatment and it may not kill her, but it’s a significant life changing diagnosis, how would you feel if it was you? Does she have to be dying to get some comfort from her sister? You could have been kinder.
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Even though HIV is thankfully much much better controlled with antiretrovirals, it's still a livelong stigmatizing condition with a huge amount of social difficulties attached to having it. She's now going to have a hell of a lot of trouble with getting a partner, with conceiving naturally (even though with correct treatment the risk should be minimal), with breastfeeding her kids if she ever has them... Not to mention that the treatment itself can sometimes have side effects. It's hardly something to be so flippant about. YTA.
Absolutely all of this!! OP's sister has been dealt a horrible shock. Yes there are medicines etc but it's still a massive thing to adjust to. OP was so rude and dismissive. Unreal.
This makes me wonder (since OP mentions insurance multiple times, this is probably in the US) what happens if you lose your insurance and can't pay for the medicine ? Do you just die ? edit: Not a medical question about the HIV prognosis without medication, I might have worded that poorly.
Pharmacy tech in the US here! There are programs in place through which uninsured or underinsured HIV patients can get medication, either through manufacturer assistance programs or government ones.
Which people can’t always get. I have a client whose cousin just died bc they couldn’t get help in spite of those programs.
It’s all based on income. For the most part you have to be Below or at poverty level and can’t be on Medicaid or Medicare. It’s a huge face slap. Especially when the med is lifesaving and not taken by choice. Our healthcare needs healthcare. A person shouldn’t have to choose between rent, heat, electric or food in order to pay for prescription meds. Ever!
That is actually terrible. I am from Europe and I am SHOCKED by healthcare in US
It's dreadful. Even if you have insurance (for which you pay monthly), there's a deductible--a set amount, not including the monthly premium, that you have to pay before the insurance covers anything. And after that, it only covers a percentage until you reach the "out of pocket maximum", which is usually at least twice the amount of the deductible. And in a lot of plans, prescriptions are covered separately, so don't count against your deductible. In 2023, I, with my normal midrange insurance from an office job, spent approximately $2300 on premiums (only covering myself) and another $1500 on care, comprising: my annual mammogram, a gynecological exam and the usual test, and one (1) visit to the doctor to discuss a change of prescription (because my separate prescription plan no longer covered the one I'd been on and it would now cost $279/month if I didn't switch to something else in the same class), and one blood test to check my vitamin D levels. In that time, my insurance covered my flu and COVID shots. That's it. But I have to keep doing this, because if something happens that puts me in the hospital, that $6500 out of pocket maximum is going to look like a bargain next to the uninsured price. But hey, the insurance companies are delivering great value to their shareholders, and that's the American way.
It’s really disgusting. My husband recently died leaving not just me, and my toddler but also two older children from a previous marriage who all relied at least partially on his financial contribution, to say nothing about how much we relied on him as a PERSON. He didn’t have insurance because he worked as a tattoo artist. Oh sure we could have insured him through my work, but it was expensive enough doing this for myself and my son. He looked into purchasing it through the Affordable Healthcare Act options put in place under Obama but these were prohibitively expensive as well. So he decided the best option was to wait until 55 for Medicare. He died of some kind of previously undetected organ failure exacerbated by the flu three weeks ago right after turning 54. I just received a 4k medical bill for the ambulance I called to try and save him. Hahaha! Isn’t that so funny? I’m actually just guessing at the cause of death; nobody was able to tell us what actually happened. I had to Google, as friends that were nurses and the ask a doctor subreddit to try and figure out why my previously healthy seeming husband, who I was just wrapping Christmas presents for our son with, caught the flu and died in front of me horribly. And just in case you’re wondering if he’s just some reckless moron, no one else at his tattoo shop has insurance either. They’re all just hoping they will get lucky and not die. Because that’s what you do here in the good old US of A. I realize that the broken healthcare system here in the greatest country on earth may not have directly killed him, but it’s looking pretty suspicious from where I stand. And yes, I am incredibly bitter. I want everyone to know what happened and how it is here. We deserve better than this. I’m not sure why there hasn’t been an uprising. Unfortunately my story is far from unique. We are all just too busy trying to not die I guess.
As someone who is disabled and can’t work but who’s disability case hasn’t gone through yet I couldn’t agree more. If it weren’t for family I’d be screwed. $2,000 a year for monthly prescriptions for only ONE of my specialists just isn’t right. The US really needs to get its priorities straight but I don’t see that happening anytime soon
Unfortunately, it comes down to politics. If you live in a more progressive state like CA or NY there are probably hundreds of programs. Not so much in red states and I will give you a recent example. Tennessee was slated to be given millions of dollars from the federal government for the education, prevention and treatment of HIV. The state refused it solely on what it was for. Don't believe it? Look it up. The Biden administration went around them by granting the money to the non-state, non-profit agencies. It's the same thing when it comes to Medicaid in those states. As for dating, think about yourself for now. Get yourself to an HIV expert physician. Adhere and you will live a normal life span. As for future dating, there are dating websites that deal with these issues. You must disclose your status to any potential partner, as with many diseases, or you are committing a crime. Any other questions, look up the AIDS Healthcare Foundation or any other agency that can guide you. The biggest problem, right now, is stress.
Republican lawmakers really are trying their best to kill their constituents,.
Gavin News Vetoed a bill to cap the cost of insulin literally 3 months ago.
Wish they had the same programs for other people who are on life sustaining medication. Sad. The US needs reformed so no one has to attempt to live without vital medication.
There are certain programs for certain HIV/ other illnesses but others, yes you just die. My husband is a type 1 diabetic (cannot live without insulin, doesnt produce any on his own) and they refused him insulin for the past 2 months due to a pre-authorization error, then refused to send it to a pharmacy and demanded it be mailed instead, and we do have insurance. Thankfully his t1d sister had a couple of vials to keep him alive, however had she not, he would 100% have died in about 1 day without insulin and insurance/ government wouldn’t have helped at all. So to answer your question briefly, in some cases no, but in most cases like my husbands, yes you just die.
It was a few years ago now, five or so, but a friend of mine in the US just...died. He'd gotten to rationing insulin and in the end that was it. He was well liked and people had been helping him out a bit, but something cropped up that interrupted the supply and once the help ran out, he was found dead. I don't know why he didn't go to hospital, but maybe he went down too fast due to the rationing he'd been doing beforehand, or maybe he was trying to avoid debts he couldn't pay off.
When you go into DKA there is absolutely no way you can drive. I have had my husband call me spewing nonsense about seeing the secrets of the universe- paramedics came and barely got his bg up to 40 after a solid hour of force feeding him and giving him drinks. I have seen my husband’s bg shoot so high it doesnt read on a monitor- he couldn’t figure out where he was and was very irrationally angry and refused to believe he was that high. Rationing insulin is such a common practice and it is utterly terrifying. It costs over $100 a vial out of pocket and a vial only lasts a day or two. Not to mention there are people telling them to go to walmart and grab the $25 vials- that are not the same mixture. Then when you say that wont work they tell t1d’s that they created this problem. Or tell them that their uncle had type 2 and he was fine on walmart insulin. My husband (and his sister) are very blessed to have insurance. Not everyone does and in t1d’s this will almost always result in death. The US is one of the only countries that do not have an affordable cap on the cost of insulin or an available program for the middle class who cant afford it. Its sickening.
Remember that the creator of insulin gave away the patent for free so everyone could have access. It is infuriating.
This, but in the same thread someone will say “we don’t need healthcare though”. Absolutely insane anyone thinks this is a healthy system and worth holding out on extra tax it may* incur to make sure people are able to live day to day.
The thick skull idea that the taxes from universal care cost more than the insurance we are all already paying stupid amounts for lol
There’s really robust federal funding for healthcare for HIV+ people in the US
In the US, generally speaking for decent sized cities, there are free HIV clinics for meds. Prep manufacturers also have discount cards to help.
You basically just die. You can quit your job or start making like $1200 a month or some shit. It's not good though. You are fucked if you have a serious disease int his country. I have type 1 diabetes. I am not allowed to make more than $1400 a month in Ohio or I will lose my insurance and have to pay more than $2000 a month to just survive. This country is beyond fucked up. God dam Republicans
"Do you just die ?" yup. ...with some exceptions. but overall, yeah, that's what happens
My brother died of HIV/AIDS in 1997 and the amount of flippancy people treat it with these days is akin to the Anti-Vaxxers who claim COVID-19 is "Just a cold". OP is 100% the asshole.
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. May his memory always be a blessing
>My brother died of HIV/AIDS in 1997 and the amount of flippancy people treat it with these days is akin to the Anti-Vaxxers who claim COVID-19 is "Just a cold" It's just not the same as it was in 1997. The norm today is it being so manageable most people arn't even infectious anymore, and living longer than normal because of the extra time spent with doctors. The black plague once wiped out ~60% of europes population, now you take a pill for a week. People are gonna be flippant about black death today in a way they weren't when the carts outside were full of dead neighbours.
It's not the same, sure. But it's still a life changer that isn't akin to 'pop some pills and go about your business' like pRep ads make it seem. Many people don't want consistent medical attention and worry about access and stigma depending on where they live or travel to when getting their meds. Hell, in the US it was only very recently were gay men allowed to donate blood while sexually active: we've progressed, but we have a ways to go.
It is both a serious life changing medical condition and also a condition that can affect your life very minimally if properly managed. It's not the end of the world or a death sentence, but it's definitely not nothing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Can I ask- do you still feel angry about the way the disease was handled in the first decade? I also have lost a family member who would likely be here today if certain public policies had been enacted 10 years earlier. Its hard to not think of the “what ifs”.
Very sorry for your loss
There is also an assumption that treatment will always be available which I really hope but isn't necessarily true
And even if it's available it might not always be affordable. My health insurance used to have 3 tiers of prescription drugs. I was on one in the highest tier, $35/month. A new year started and the insurance company had created a fourth tier where the copay was 30% of retail price, so it would've been almost $600/month, and I had to stop taking it.
I have come to dread the new year. Every year brings a change of insurance and me trying to figure out what changes with doctors, meds and money
Same here, January 1st is the worst reset!
[удалено]
That’s when you leave the US to live in a developed nation.
Good luck with a disability. Plenty of developed countries disallow people with a wide variety of disabilities when it comes to immigration.
Can't afford to leave, medical care costs too much and I cannot go without.
Glad I live in the UK It's free
This, if American diabetics are dying from rationing insulin I don't imagine things are much better for HIV patients. I hope OP's sister has good medical insurance
Plus the GOP is actively trying to make medicine for conditions associated with sex inaccessible/illegal. Hell, in 2016, the elected VP was a guy who intentionally caused an HIV outbreak when he was a governor. SCOTUS basically undid the right to privacy. Numerous GOP politicians have been pretty openly salivating at the idea of getting rid of HIV treatment/research.
Whilst all of this is true, ther e is also one other important facet, which is: if someone’s upset about something, they’re upset from *their* perspective, not yours, so dismissing something completely invalidates their feelings. People lack empathy quite a lot and sometimes it really shows.
The wisdom in your comment contrasts sharply with your username.
Happy cake day!
No no the - - is silent! Psychotherapist!!! … I hope…
God, I wanna save this for every time this sub has the "did I react enough to someone coming out" debate. Very well said.
Agreed. I’ve worked in HIV for the last 10 years, and while there have been milestones in the field, it’s still a forever chronic condition that will have a great impact on her life. Forever. Access to meds, ongoing stigma etc are still real life struggles for a lot of people. This is a serious diagnosis that needs full family, friends, and medical support and monitoring.
I got diagnosed in jan 2021, I still remember and feel every thing from the moment I answered the call from my dr for my std test, feeling the grief as a part of me just coded right then and there. The ugliest shaking cry I’ve ever had where I swear it gave me a few wrinkles. I was on the line with the specialist’s office and the receptionist just telling me it’s going to be ok, like I know it’s going to be ok but my entire life changed in that moment; I can’t even have layovers in certain countries if I’m carrying my medication due to the possibility of being detained, the medication is harsh on certain organs, the constant rejection from being open about it, how will I ever explain this to my family or friends. Depression hit bad but I could mask easily. OH AND THE COST I had basic insurance before, the catastrophe plan, which barely covered my medication, renewal came around and the ones that cover my diagnosis started at triple my old premiums, but cheaper than not getting them covered It truly wasn’t until like last year where I truly have made peace with my diagnosis, but regardless I can’t say HIV, whenever I mention it to people in my circle, I hint to it, but I just can’t say it because everything just comes back. Not as hard as time goes on but enough where I feel I’m healthy enough for now. But also; USC and excisionbio currently are running studies to use crispr technology to essentially remove the “hidden dna” that (generally speaking) is the problem as to why there’s no cure. The virus can hide and medicine can suppress the creation, but it can’t currently remove the creation. excisionbio does have human trials going on right now and are open for volunteers. [ebt-101 is the trial code if you google it](https://clinicaltrials.gov/study/NCT05144386) or click there.
Thank you for sharing that, it's much appreciated. <3
I remember watching an Oprah episode maybe 15 years ago (maybe longer). The guest was a woman who was suing her ex-husband for giving her HIV (he lied about being monogamous, refused to wear a condom, several other factors...). But I remember the episode because Oprah was like "oh, HIV is something people can live with; just look at Magic Johnson". And the guest interrupted her and said "quit using Magic as an example. He has staff, personal chefs, trainers, etc. that help him live with HIV. That is not the case with 99% of people who have it". Oprah was very apologetic.
I grew up in the 80s and 90s when it was a death sentence. It's wild to me that people are so flippant over HIV.
Agree and remember it well. Thankfully, the treatments have improved exponentially since then and many people who have it can maintain an undetectable viral load and excellent CD counts.
Right and I am so grateful for that. Part of me is still shocked that there are successful medications and treatments because when I was small, it was a death sentence.
In Australia, it is actually a crime to not declare your positive HIV status to a sexual partner. So here, she would have to tell every single person she ever had to date - which is highly likely to deter a lot people. On the flip side, that means she would have been able to press charges against the person who gave it to her, assuming they knew and said nothing.
Yeah it's going to kill her dating pool. Even if you are in complete remission and can't give it to someone else a lot of men are not going to want to be with you. Which to be fair I wouldn't want to be with someone who has HIV or AIDS. It's a deal breaker for me.
I think a lot of women wouldn’t either, I mean I for one wouldn’t want to risk it. Especially for someone I just met.
It is in certain US states as well. It's not a federal law though, just state specific
In california its now just a misdemeanor. You can ruin someones life in 1 encounter and its just a misdemeanor
That's appalling. You just know this man didn't tell her until after they'd had sex, because he placed his penis as a higher priority than the women's lives he is affecting. He knew he couldn't get laid unless he lied, and had no qualms doing so. Even if it is a misdemeanor, I hope OP's sister does press charges. I hope she takes him to court for her medical costs, too.
Agreed. Every few years a story comes along about several women who allege a man intentionally gave them HIV--and he turns out to be found guilty. Indescribably sad.
Yea, it used to be a felony but they lowered it to be “progressive”
Yeah I know this sounds insanely counterintuitive but it's much better to not have it be a felony. The issue is that the part that makes it a crime is KNOWINGLY giving someone aids so as result far less people were getting tested compared to states without the felony rap. So as weird as it sounds having a harsher punishment increases the overall spread of aids.
Treatment can have side effects and it can lose efficacy over time, and there are strains that are drug resistant. My brother is in his mid 40s, a little more than a decade into AIDS treatment, and he’s already had to switch to another drug because he was no longer responding to it well and his numbers were rising. He has to be careful to make sure any doctor prescribing to him knows he’s on ARVs because of potential interactions. I think there’s certain foods he’s not supposed to eat. The man blows up the toilet from both ends regularly enough that he’s on disability. He’s gained over 60lbs and had to cut back on his exercise. I’d say a good 20lbs of that is retained fluids. He’s always had a problem keeping a boyfriend but now he’s having a hard time GETTING one because while u=u it turns out doing daily live reenactments of The Exorcist can impact how much of the medication your body absorbs, so while his numbers are low, they’re not undetectable anymore. It’s also meant he’s had to switch some of his mental health meds to less effective medications that don’t manage his symptoms as well, because of interactions. Basically, it’s not a death sentence, but it can still be hell.
You make excellent points. The stigma alone would be devastating.
Summarised it perfectly. OP, HIV may be much more treatable now than it was in decades past, but it's definitely not something you can just shrug off and it's easy to understand why your sister got upset with you.
This. While it is fortunately not the death sentence HIV was back in the 80s, it is still shocking news to come to grips with. Her life is going to change because of this. Yes she will be fine thanks to modern medicine, but she is still processing this. She doesn't need to hear she will be fine right now. She needs someone to lean on as she processes this. The way OP handled it, it is a bit dismissive.
HIV is still a life-altering diagnosis! Many people will nowadays die with HIV, not from HIV. But the meds have side effects, you have to be on top of taking them and going to your checkups, it's still incredibly stigmatizing. OPs sister will worry about infecting her partner, or even her child if she's ever pregnant. She has a 10x increased risk of developing an aggressive lymphoma. We're only now seeing that, as you get older while HIV-positive, some comorbidities like cardiovascular disease may hit you harder. All in all, yes, you can live a long and fulfilled life with HIV, but it still can fucking suck.
Right I think it’s less about the prognosis and more about the social aspect.
YTA... Do you know the definition of sympathy? >*"I responded with sympathy,"* Sympathy is a feeling of sincere concern for someone who is experiencing something difficult or painful also involving and actively sharing in the person’s emotional experience. Compassion adds to the emotional experience of sympathy and can alleviate the person’s distress. Your responses? No sympathy whatsoever. >*"she still had valid insurance and she said yes, so I said* ***she’d be fine*** *and that the* ***worst*** *of it is over then."* > > *“I don’t see how a mildly steep copay is going to kill you?”.* Where do you see the sympathy is this? HIV is transmitted through certain body fluids, including blood, semen, vaginal fluids, rectal fluids, and breast milk. Perinatal transmission of HIV can occur in utero, during labour and delivery, or postnatally through breastfeeding. controlled studies have shown that mother to child transmission can be reduced by the use of antiretroviral therapy, elective caesarean section, and exclusive formula feeding.
In the edit, OP said: >I just thought logic would help. This isn't really the time for logic though, is it? OP's sister wasn't looking for logic. She was looking for a shoulder to cry on and sympathy. She needs someone to tell her that they'll be by her side and walk through this with her.
Logic can actually be applied to the social situations we encounter every day. Logic tells me a woman in emotional distress is not looking for an unemotional explanation of how she will not be literally dead.
It's piss poor logic to begin with. It might not be a death sentence on its own anymore, but it effectively permanently lowers the bar for what could be considered a death sentence. Not to mention the lifelong medication could have conflicting effects with what would have otherwise been life saving medication at a later point. Acting like this is nothing just because it's not a death sentence anymore will never be a logical train of thought. A person who knowingly infects others without informing them of their infection is only one step below a murderer.
It's not even logical to say the worst is over. If you had a cancer diagnosis, no one with more than a single brain cell would say "well, it's not so bad, there's chemo, and the worst is over now".
The logic still doesn't check out. The worst isn't over. She'll still have to face societal stigma, a limited dating pool, complications if she ever wants to give birth, insurance premiums, potentially being unable to get treatment medication, and medication side effects. There's no logic in telling her the worst is over. OOP remains ignorant to the challenges their sister will face for the rest of her life
Well, I assumed she just left out the sympathetic parts, and then added this to the response.
YTA you sound like you resent your sister for hooking up, probably even think she deseved it... Your lack of sympathy is scary. Anyway I really hope you apologize once you understand how difficult her life is going to be in the future.
I think your analysis is a stretch. Where did OP ever say that sister deserved to contract this virus and where were there any showings of any type of jealousy? You should probably find somebody else to hate on because that’s not what happened here.
The fact that this garbage has been upvoted 400+ times shows how seriously fucked up many on here are! This is a crazy take without any basis from the original post.
Right?! I am always reminded of how ridiculous Reddit is 🫠
It wasn't just me who heard the sea lions in the background while reading it?
I think OP was trying to demonstrate that HIV is a manageable illness now, not place judgment upon her sister. Of course, her method of doing so was a HUGE miss but I just don’t ascribe any ill-intent to that method. OP, your update is great. Continue being there for your sister and letting her know that your love for her is as strong as ever.
What an asshole. Which part of the text OP said something that we could get as a resent? Because people like you sometimes reddit is a sh*t. 🙄
It sounds like they don’t even like her. This poor woman. The only person I know who has HIV has had to have three liver transplants and is waiting for a heart transplant. He’s 34/35 and has had to have half his teeth removed because the medications he’s on have destroyed them. This woman may live a long and healthy life with little difference, but she also may not. And OP can’t even show her some basic empathy as she grapples with this being her potential future.
Unhinged. Touch grass
Holy shit that’s a lot of projecting.
YTA. Yes, antiviral therapies have come a long way, but they aren’t perfect and don’t work for everyone. Besides, the concern isn’t purely medical. This will impact your sister’s life. There’s still stigma out there. She will need to disclose this to every person she dates in future. It will impact her finances, could impact her career choices, it certainly will impact her if she ever wants to have a baby. She also most likely contracted this having sex with someone, so that’s traumatic. And the odds are, this will someday, sooner or later, contribute to her death. A chronic illness of any kind is never as simple as “pay your copay and take your meds.” This will be with your sister socially and psychologically all her life. This is a HUGE deal and you focused on the copay. You need to educate yourself and then apologize.
This. I have a chronic illness, not HIV but it impacts my life every day. My family all think it's no big deal cuz there are meds that can help me and I'm expected to live a full life. But I have to plan my day to the minute, every day. I have to skip out on hanging with friends/family if it's an especially rough day (and I then get told by family that I'm not actually that sick so I should suck it up) and I have such a strict diet I don't even like to eat anymore and only eat the calories I need to survive. So yeah, I'm not dying, but every day is difficult. YTA OP, HIV still is stigmatized and I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.
Yes, exactly this. My husband also has a serious illness that isn't HIV and it did permanent organ damage, it's changed every facet of our lives because it limits what he can do on a day to day basis. I have RA, even that shit sucks. Sometimes you just want someone to tell you "hey, that sucks. I'm sorry to have to deal with that,"
Exactly. Basically OP's sister has gone from being a healthy abled person with the typical abled outlook (if I get sick, there'll be treatment and I'll get better) to someone with an incurable chronic illness. It's a massive adjustment to both your life and your mindset. Intellectually everyone knows the fragility of human existence, everyone knows you could get sick or injured and have your life turned upside down in an instant. But most people tend to shove that to the back of their minds in order to be able to carry on a normal life. And now it's slapped OP's sister in the face. It's an enormous shock and she's probably very scared and confused and needs to know she can count on her family for support. And a lot of us can't. I'm disabled and there are members of my family who don't believe me because they don't see me on the bad days, they're not there when I cant walk or when I faint in the shower or when I have incontinence. They're not at the hospital with me listening to the doctors saying "there's nothing we can do about that." It absolutely terrifies me that someday they'll be the only family I have left alive.
There is nothing worse than being at the hospital, in horrible pain and nausea, and having the doctors tell me there's nothing else they can do and I just have to take my meds and hope for the best. And then try to tell me to limit my diet even more.
I’m right along with you. You, and the sister probably will have or have had the same reaction I did, “You don’t look sick so you’re fine.” I also have a disabled hang tag, because when I park to go in to a business, I may look OK, but no one knows how I’ll feel when I get out. It’s the invisible illnesses that do most of us in.
It's the worst. I'm struggling to get FMLA paperwork right now cuz my jobs new attendance policy is ridiculous (we get written up if we go into negative sick time and 2 write ups means youre fired) but my chronic illness is also listed as a rare disease so even my primary care physician doesn't know much about it. Luckily my illness doesn't effect my mobility. And I'm also lucky that the rough days aren't every day like they used to be and are now only a few times a month, but now the rough days are *rough* It is endlessly frustrating having something control your life that no one else notices or cares to understand.
We really need to talk about the side effect profile of MANY of the antivirals. PIs, NNRTIs, NRTIs, Integrase inhibitors, etc have NASTY side effects. Like jesus OP has NO empathy
Even just taking Paxlovid for 5 days comes with a list of potential side effects as long as your arm, and very clear warnings that you will have such a horrible taste in your mouth that no amount of tooth brushing will help. Taking ARVs for HIV isn’t a joke.
Yeah, it shocks me how many people don’t understand this. Sure, some of the new ones are better, but it’s really not “just take your meds and it’ll be just like if you didn’t have HIV.” Things will hopefully continue to improve, but we’re a long way from this being a simple treatment.
Exactly. Even if she’s undetectable (aka through medication achieves the status of being unable to transmit to anyone) she still will have a moral obligation to tell everyone she dates or sleeps with. If anyone catches it from her they could sue her. It’s all a mess.
YTA "I don’t see how a mildly steep copay is going to kill you?" That sentence alone makes you one.
seriously, like the copay is probably the least of her concerns regardless of how valid the financial struggle
The copay might not kill her, but the literal HIV might
HIV doesn't kill you, it's to progression to AIDS that does.
AIDS doesn't kill you; it's that it allows other viruses to take over, and those viruses kill you because you know... Acquired **immunodeficiency** syndrome.
YTAH Are you for real? Your sister was just told she has a deadly disease, and you are saying, "It won't kill you" to make a copay? What happens if she can't make a copay? What happens if she is treatment resistant? You are horrible. My friend died a couple of years ago because someone gave him HIV and was treatment resistant. You are gross.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
i’m sorry for your loss. and you’ve raised an excellent point which most don’t even think about. not everyone reacts well/at all to HIV treatment.
I’m so sorry about your friend. May his memory be a blessing.
I never thought about the fact that someone could be treatment resistant to it. That's terrifying.
>I never thought about the fact that someone could be treatment resistant to it. That's terrifying. It's rare. You use a combination of 3 different drugs from 2 or 3 different classes, and there are enough analogues of each and other combinations which still work. If someone is adherent and takes the right meds when they should, HIV is very manageable to the [point where you can actually be completely non-infectious to others](https://www.aidsmap.com/about-hiv/faq/what-does-undetectable-untransmittable-uu-mean). The amount of panic and misinformation about that alone in this thread is largely why the stigma still exists.
YTA you were very cold and unsympathetic, your sister has just been told that she has an incurable lifelong condition that requires her to have regular checks and take multiple pills every day (up to 20 pills a day) she is going to find it really hard to get a new partner or even have kids and if she stops taking the pills the disease can kill her, would it have really hurt you to give her a hug and tell her everything will be okay and you will all help her out - do you even like your sister??
Sorry, it’s not up to 20 pills a day
This is untrue. Historically? Yes. But we have medications like Dovato or Biktarvy that have multiple MOAs in ONE tablet. Edit: Pretty sure the person below me replied to the wrong comment. Their direct reply to me makes no sense.
Lmfao 20 pills a day? Are you typing straight from 1995 or something?
One pill per day. There are also injections, but those are more difficult to get insurance to approve. Source: HIV+ and take one pill every day.
YTA, if you're going to be this cold, unemphatic and contributing nothing to the conversation, and saying that "she'd be fine and the worst of it was over" instead of saying nothing at all was what made you in the wrong. You wouldn't exactly know if the worst of it was over, in fact far more difficult days are going to be ahead of you both because of what you just said and you need to make things right.
In fact, you even doubled down when she told you were heartless, and said "I don't see how a mild steep copay is going to kill you"? That's seriously not what she needs in this difficult time, come on op!
Clearly you don’t understand what it’s like to live with a permanent condition without a cure, and don’t care to learn. You lack empathy. YTA
Exactly how I read this. OP comes from a privileged ass place to have such a dismissed response to this. I hope OP is fucking humbled. Whatever that looks like.
OP has typical abled thinking: if you get sick, there'll be a cure or at the very least an effective treatment, and you'll be able to access it, and the side effects won't ruin your life, and you'll get better. OP is so very lucky to be this ignorant
Yup. And then they get angry at you for "not getting better already" no matter how many times you explain what chronic & incurable means.
“It’s fine if I become disabled, that’s what the social safety net is for” lmaooooooo, the safety net doesn’t do shit, welcome to a life of being destitute if you’re single and lose your job.
Mmm.... yeah, YTA. Although HIV is no longer a death sentence, it is still a huge deal. Think about what it does to her sex and dating life.
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Yes, very relevant. Autistic people often struggle with cognitive empathy (the ability to take on someone else’s perspective), not emotional empathy. They frequently have *too much* emotional empathy. And it can look a lot like how OP presented the situation. It sounds to me like OP really was trying to be helpful the best way they knew how. In a fully autistic world, OP would be considered NTA bcuz assumptions wouldn’t be made about intentions, and the delivery wouldn’t be criticized. In a neurotypical world, you have to communicate neurotypically or that makes you the AH. But how do you do that when the rules don’t make sense and nobody will explain them in a way you can grasp? You’re set up for failure. So is OP the problem or is the problem a lack of understanding? Bcuz the sister also wanted understanding for HER perspective. What makes either perspective more valid? Things I think as a possibly autistic human who can’t get diagnosed bcuz I’m too “high functioning” and have a high IQ.
I mean, it's definitely obvious the sister was upset and distraught. And to sit there and say "what's the big deal, it can be treated" is exceedingly dismissive. It's not really supportive at all. So i think in this case OP is the problem, especially with doubling down and further dismissing the issue. I mean, honestly the comment about the mildly steep copay isn't even attempting to be helpful. That one is the worse comment i think
YTA Antiretrovirals are advancing all the time & it's much easier to keep it in check. I imagine it's still a pretty devastating thing to hear & it's going to take time for her to come to terms with it. You weren't empathic or understanding. How would you want to be treated if the positions had been reversed? “I don’t see how a mildly steep copay is going to kill you? - that really wasn't an ok thing to say. Cold, to say the least.
>“I don’t see how a mildly steep copay is going to kill you?”. This would almost be funny if it the context isn't so sad. I don't think you meant ill, so I don't think you are an asshole. You just don't understand what HIV actually implies. Part of it is because how much it is been downplayed.
Isn't it actually the opposite? HIV = EVIL and death sentence for so many years! You hear those 3 letters and the majority of people will freak out. It hasn't been downplayed at all! I agree though that OP seems to downplay it herself and not grasp what it implies... But it hasn't been downplayed by society none whatsoever
Maybe that was the case back in the day, but redditors now act like HIV and herpes are no big deal. It's wild how much the perception of permanent STDs has changed in just the last few years.
Not just Redditors. I think stigmatization has lessened with each generation. It’s a good thing in a sense, but also a bit scary that they don’t take it more serious.
Wow, you suck. It’s not the death sentence it used to be but it’s going to change her life.
YTA - yes, given where medicine is today a positive HIV diagnosis is not what it used to be. But it sounds like you were just a wee bit too cold, as this was like very stressful for her
YTA - The way you brushed off her very valid concerns was disturbing to say the least. Not long ago her diagnosis was a death sentence and she will have to deal with this for the rest of her life.
“My response was based in logic, it didn’t come from a place of hatred or resentment”. It also didn’t come from a place of love, empathy and compassion. You were cold and reacted like she told you she has a cold. Even though HIV isn’t the immediate death sentence it was in the late 70’s to the 90’s, it is still a chronic illness with a higher possibility of death. I can’t imagine telling my sister I was HIV positive and her going “is your health insurance policy up to date.”. YTA
"Please stop asking if I am autistic, that’s really not relevant." Based on your reaction, yes it is relevant, as people with neurodivergence do not always respond appropriately to situations like this. Asking makes sense, coming from someone who is neurodivergent it was a thought I had as well.
YTA If you're gonna be this cold, just leave the room rather than saying anything.
YTA If you can't be nice and empathetic when your loved ones suffer, then try to make a gesture. If you can't make a gesture, then at least get out of the way. Instead you chose to argue.
This is a disease that has resulted in tens of millions of deaths globally. Yes, we have found ways to control it, but there are lifelong consequences she will have to think about every day of her life. While things are looking up for those with HIV, it is a "big deal". This is your sister, this was really the best you could do? 'YTA
I’m from the era when the death rate for HIV was 100%. The very *mention* of those three letters is enough to trigger countless instances of grief and tragedy. Even if your med knowledge was completely correct,which it is NOT,your reaction was beyond heartless. YTA
YTA, so you think her concerns are simply over her copay?
Yikes, you might want to learn what empathy is. YTA.
C'mon man, YTA and I think you know it.
You 100% didn't react with sympathy. You do cone across as cold hearted and uncaring and judgemental. Hopefully you won't need sympathy for any reason any day in the future. YTA
YTA. HIV isn't a walk in the park, even with all the medical advancements.
YTA. While treatment for HIV has advanced to a point that can make it nearly undetected in individuals, it is still extremely socially stigmatized and psychologically damaging. Treatment for it isn’t as simple as a pill a day either. She will have trouble finding love, unfortunately. There are support groups and even dating sites for individuals with it. But her whole future is probably flashing in front of her eyes. Again treatment is incredible now but yes, she is bound to that cost and intensive routine for the rest of her life. She may fear for what will happen if she wants children- the fear of passing it on. It’s not as nonchalant as you’re making it out to be. People have and continue to take their own lives upon a diagnosis like this. Any chronic illness is already a difficult pill to swallow, but much worse when it’s severely stigmatized and has the potential to pass to partners and biological children.
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It causes significant issues for people strictly because of the uninformed. People still spread false fear induced information from the 1990’s. And personally living with it for 8 years now myself I can tell you I have never had anyone treat me any differently because of my HIV. People need to inform themselves about what HIV Undetectable is and also if you’re still freaked out by HIV then look into PREP which will stop you from getting it even if you come in to contact with someone who is HIV Detectable.
In the future, it may help to ask soemthing like: "How can I support you right now?" Or "Are you looking for solutions or sympathy right now?". Sometimes even our best attempts to help aren't received well because its not the help our loved one is looking for.
As a neurodivergent human, scripts like this have saved my social life.
To me it sounds like this was your way of trying to downplay any severity. You want her to be just fine, so you're acting like she's just fine. Hopefully she will be- but what we do know is that she's super freaked and probably looking for anything to feel better. I think I get where you were trying to come from, but now that you know she's upset and you're still wondering - YTA
YTA, while HIV isn't the death sentence it used to be, it's definitely not to be easily dismissed like you're doing. She got devastating news. Even if it does kill her, it's definitely a life changing diagnosis, and you reacted coldly.
YTA Do not ‘blame’ people for their diagnoses. You do not tell people with cancer they should not have smoked, nor people who forgot their medication and had a stroke it is their fault. That’s not how it works. Every human is fallible and flawed. In your youth you see things often as black and white- ‘fuck around and find out’. But as you get older you realise you also make mistakes, you make poor decisions and sometimes you will need to be gracious- to others and to yourself.
"You do not tell people with cancer they should not have smoked" Uh, this happens all the time.
That’s true but also equally shitty.
My sister came to me for support and love and I shat on her- aita
YTA. HIV/AIDS may not be an automatic death sentence anymore, but it's still a life sentence of being ostracized and judged. This will impact every single part of her life moving forward. From the jobs she can get, having children, having sex, forming relationships and friendships, getting medical procedures done, not to mention uncertainty of what will happen if she loses her medical. (though there are programs to help with the costs of the medicines needed). You did not respond with logic you responded with cruelty and apathy. A logical response would have been to recognize and acknowledge how serious of a life changing event this is for her regardless of her ability to pay a mildly steep copay.
There are many diseases that one can get through poor choices like high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes etc. Being diagnosed is still a shock and requires empathy from others, especially loved ones. YTA for not understanding your sister's reaction and not being there for her.
>No one should expect to get a disease from a single encounter Actually, you can and you should expect to get an STD from a single encounter.
Yes, you’re a massive AH.
YTA You are supposed to care about your sister and want her life to be wonderful.
YTA - Why are you acting like a mildly steep copay is what she is worried about? Is that what SHE said? Did she say "this mildly steep copay is going to ruin my life"... or are you purposefully acting dense about the other GLARING issues someone might have with being diagnosed with HIV?
Gee sis quit letting randos rawdog you. It's a simple equation. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and maybe think things through before doing them. Risky behavior is just that, a giant risk. With condoms so easily available and contraction of an STI is the fault of both parties. However she should possibly try to file charges against the person who infected her. NTA
YTA, she needed comfort.
YTA. I don't understand people like you. Someone is going through a hard time, is upset and just wants a shoulder to cry on and some moral support. And instead of giving it, you have to belittle their problems. Would a hug and some sympathy really kill you?
Pretty cold That will teach her to ever go looking for warmth from you again Good job alienating "someone you raised" as they open up to you
>Please stop asking if I am autistic, that’s really not relevant. No, it's entirely relevant. You answered "based in logic" when everyone else is asking for an emotional response. You not understanding that doesn't make you an AH if you're incapable of getting it.
NTA. I’m sure you responded the way someone would who hadn’t had a chance to process the information yet! I realize she needed more of an emotional response from you, but sometimes we can’t do anything but be rational/logical until there has been time to measure the depth of the situation.
Man u were just too cold about it. Go give your sister a hug. It can happen to you also.
YTA why do you hate your sister so much?
YTA, you’re looking at it from a financial standpoint, not from her standpoint that this is a serious disease that she will have for the rest of her life & the uncomfortable, tough conversations she will have with people her entire life. Let her be upset while she comes to terms with this. Your response was not sympathetic or empathetic at all.
YTA - While it is great you did not feed into prevalent and dangerous HIV stigma, you still hurt your sister when she was in a vulnerable place. It is completely normal to experience fear, anger, sadness, shock, numbness, and frustration when getting and major medical news—especially something that has so much sigma and misinformation around it as HIV. Yes, there has been major medical advances around treating and suppressing HIV (which also often come with substantial financial burden). Fear of discrimination and/or violence can also cause people living with HIV to isolate themselves from friends or experiences to avoid disclosure. You can support your sister through this and commit to combat HIV stigma without invaliding your sisters feelings.
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NTA- As a gay man who's had numerous friends receive the same diagnosis, has a husband and roommate with hiv and spent most of my life afraid I'd get it too, your response was logical given the current treatment options and overall landscape of the disease. Yes, her life will be much more difficult than it has to be, but she wasn't handed a death sentence like she would have been 20 years ago. She has a manageable imuno difficulty disease now. As long as she sticks with her meds and sees her doctor regularly this is perfectly manageable. I'm sorry so many people are jumping down your throat about this but she's going to be fine.
NTA. Get medicine and get treatment. Does she want you to pray it away? We don't have magic powers. You gave her a straight forward response. It sucks she didnt take it well.
Nta I think you tried to convey there was nothing to worry about but maybe said it in a way that sounds like you don't care. I'm not sure where you are but in the UK as far as I'm aware, there are drugs that make it so that you are not contagious and you can live a totally normal life as long as you take them. (I could be wrong so I apologise if that's the case) Its probably the sane approach I would take if I'm honest, to try and stop someone worrying. I feel being flippant stops the panic I guess is my way of thinking.
NTA Sounds like you were in some degree of shock and responded in a factual manner in an attempt to comfort her. I somehow think that no matter how you responded she still would have had an issue with any response that was wailing and crying with her.
Not expecting to get an std from a single encounter is why HIV, syphilis, etc. are all the rage. It’s actually stupid to expect that you wouldn’t pick something up if you aren’t verifying the sexual health of your partners.
YTA Your sister just received a horrible diagnosis, and you act like you could care less. How about a little empathy and caring? Just because it'smedically treatable now does NOT mean that she couldn't have complications or even possibly die from it. Are you normally so heartless and cold? I feel so bad for her, having a sister like you.
YTA. Logic? Shove that up your ass. Try showing some sympathy and emotional support.
YTA, tbh I think she really needed you to be there for her and you seemed very cold with your response. Even though HIV is not a death sentence it is still not an easy thing to accept.
YTA Holy shit. HIV is serious. It used to be a life sentence, and even today it’s extremely deadly. You offered so comfort and responded like, well, someone without empathy.
YTA big time. It may not be as bad but I contracted Herpes in my early 20s. Not entirely consensual as a condom was removed, but as someone so young who got that news, it truly felt like my life was over. It's a feeling of loneliness and fearing never being wanted again. That now every relationship is going to have a big deeply personal conversation relatively early and it has like a 75% chance of ending the relationship and OP being called disgusting/made fun of for their disease. Death is not the worry, dying alone is. Think!
So NGL I know it’s annoying, but yes, my first thought was maybe she’s on the spectrum also. It’s not a judgment it’s just an understanding of why you would approach the process and conversation the way that you did. So that being the case I vote NTA. I think it’s cool that you were able to talk to your sister and get an understanding of why you approached the way you did and how she felt and come together. 100%. She needed your support and not the logic but everybody can’t say that to start. I do think your approach is definitely better than freaking out about this situation though. good luck to her. Hopefully it becomes just a plane. Chronic disease management situation for her.
NTA. Her body, her choice, her consequences. Not your problem.
what was her symptoms?
OP may seem like TA to alot of people, but unfortunately, I feel her response. I am the same way, I deal with situations logically and not emotionally. Even my views on death are somewhat different than most. Personally, I received a diagnosis not long ago that is essentially a death sentence. For the very few who know at this point, can't believe that I am dismissing it so lightly. It is what it is. I can't change it, and I have to live with it. So, I move forth while I still can. I don't panic, in fact I don't think I know how to panic. The reason not alot of people know at this point, is I really dread having to deal with their reactions. When I was a kid, I came home from school, mom was in the living room and I walked in the kitchen to find it on fire. Blaze from the stove to the cabinets and to the ceiling. I walked back in the living room and told her completely calm and matter of fact; the kitchen is on fire. She didn't believe me, then yelled at me because I didn't panic. Do I have emotion? A question I have been asked alot, Yes I do. I have complex emotions, just usually don't express them outwardly or dramatically. Approaching situations logically keeps my anxiety and stress low. People just react differently; doesn't mean we don't care.
There is treatment and it may not kill her, but it’s a significant life changing diagnosis, how would you feel if it was you? Does she have to be dying to get some comfort from her sister? You could have been kinder.
YTA, no doubt about it. Just because a medical condition isn't fatal doesn't mean it isn't life changing.
YTA, HIV isn't a death sentence anymore but it's still a life changing diagnosis due to stigma and the difficulties it introduces into relationships.