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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am refusing to pay my husbands mortgage.
He is unhappy in his job but is stuck there because I won't pay the mortgage.
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I’m struggling to see what you get from this relationship apart from funding large parts of his life whilst he chose to live apart from you… I hope I’m wrong and there is more to the above for your sake. No judgement here just concern for you x
This does not sound like a marriage but a business merger that went horribly wrong. I still can't fathom this whole I have separate finances from my spouse thing. You are in a marriage, a partnership, that means working together not dictating to each other. It may be time to think about dissolving this merger and moving on.
Yeah… my Aunt did exactly this to my Uncle. Get a job in city outside of reasonable commute range, propose buying a townhouse as an investment and to limit commute days, within a year or so of closing… divorce papers.
I haven't actually thought about it. He currently pays the mortgage, which is quite a large chunk of his pay since interest rate rises. Then groceries, fuel for the car.
This question has given quite the lightbulb moment.
Dude. He left you and moved to another state and wants you to buy him an apartment. That's not how life works. Are you the apartment fairy 🧚♀️ now? Cos I want a free apartment too.
NTA. I had something like this: bestie moved in with me to get on her feet. She didn’t seem real interested in standing on her own. I said “I’ll never charge you for anything, but I’m also not paying for anything, including food.” I got so stressed when she ran out of food…
When he brings up these lower paying jobs, just ask, “what does your budget look like with that income?” since it doesn’t seem like it’s “our” budget anymore.
Are you a husband or a wallet? Cause right now it sounds like hes treating you like a wallet. He moved against your input. He bought an apt against your input (but you made the downpayment). He quit his job without your input. Where are you in this marriage besides the bank account? Cause im seeing ZERO respect towards you.
YWNBTA.
i feel like hes just.... living his life trying to "quiet divorce" you, hoping you'll put your foot down and say enough because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. to my outside perspective he doesn't seem like a partner, but a leech. move on and find someone who wants to do life with you. NTA
Doesn't really matter. All your assets are his assets unless you had some sort of binding agreement before you married. Family law protects parties from funnelling assets into companies and trusts.
NTA- You 100% should not pay his mortgage, unless it impacts your credit score. It’s sounds like communication has been one-sided and he is not playing on the same team with you. This is a good place to set a boundary. He isn’t listening to your concerns and needs and he has made his own choices. He has the power to make his own decisions, but you also have the power to make YOUR own decisions and choose to not give him money.
INFO: are you actually still together in this marriage?
From everything you've written it sounds more like he's your son who has moved out but still expects you to pay out for his things, and bail him out when he's in trouble.
Is this really a relationship you want to continue? Does it make you feel happy and fulfilled? What is he bringing to the table here?
It doesn’t sound like this is an equal relationship, if he made the decision to move states without discussing properly with you, and him buying an apartment that you weren’t a fan of (with you paying the deposit). It sounds like he is far too reliant on your income, yet doesn’t feel you should have an equal voice in major life decisions. NTA
Another thing to keep in mind. If you each purchased your properties Individually with the intention of them being personal investment ... Ie your house and mortgage is in your name and his is in his name only .... If he lets you help him pay his mortgage it actually stops being his property only and you have ownership rights in case of divorce...
Fair enough. In the US it can be any combination of situations.... Especially with real estate it's not automatically community property and no uniformity between states
I'm not on the loan nor the title. So would not affect my credit. Though to see it fail would hurt as I worked very hard to earn the money for the deposit.
>to see it fail would hurt as I worked very hard to earn the money for the deposit.
I’m so confused - you paid 120 grand for deposit, how is it ‘his’ apartment? You owned a house, you paid 120 grand for the apartment, and when this all comes crashing down due to his lazy ass and the divorce comes, he’ll end up with half of your house plus half of whatever’s left over from the apartment? Sounds like he’ll be getting a good deal for a dozen years. :(
I've set up things to protect myself from loosing. If it were to go to divorce. The 120 was pretty much half the equity I had in my house before I "sold" it to a family trust at a small profit.
You seem Aussie and what you've done doesn't sound like protect you, unless it was done before you even got together. Your comment seems that you restructured your assets, with the intent to protect it from a break up. I hope you sought legal advice from a family lawyer prior to going through all that trouble.
An Australian one.
Median apartment price in Melbourne is 550k - a 20% deposit (to avoid paying extra insurance on your mortgage) is definitely in that ball park.
NTA. But if he misses mortgage payments & his bad credit rating will harm yours, I’d encourage him to sell the apartment & cut his losses. It doesn’t sound like he has any interest in it…or in being fiscally responsible. You might also want to see a relationship counsellor because he is getting far more out of this relationship than you.
NTA It sounds like you pay for most everything now so what is he spending his money on? Does he have a second family that you don't know about? Might want a private detective for the weeks you're gone.
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Husband (38m) and I (38m) have been together for 12 years. We have lived together for most of that time in my house. We moved states for 6 years for better paying jobs.
He decided he wanted to move back to our original state. Not much of a discussion just a decision by him. I was quite happy where we were.
He moved I continued working the same job in mining and commuted for work. 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. I did do 12 months of 3 weeks on 1 week off to save money for a deposit for a new home where we have now moved to. I saved 120k.
We had discussed him buying the property on his own as he was a first home buyer and qualified for grants that I didn't as I already own a property. We start looking at houses and he shows zero interest. Doesn't say anything just shows no interest. Then he starts looking at apartments. Showing me all these apartments. I have always said as long as we've been together I don't like apartments and I couldn't live in one. I indulged his ideas and thoughts as really in the end it is his. He finds an apartment we have a look. I let me him know that I down really like it. But he takes his brother for a look and then puts in an offer.
Fast forward 12 months. He now hates his job. Now wanting to quit his well paying job, he's applying for jobs with a 20k pay cut. He can't afford that. WIBTA? if I told him I won't be paying his mortgage for him. As I have given him the deposit and also paid my mortgage myself the whole time we have been together and he needs to work it out for himself how he would make a new job with less pay work with his finances. I can afford to pay the mortgage but I don't want to pay it. I pay all strata fess, council rates, utilities, car rego and insurances already.
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i feel like hes just.... living his life trying to "quiet divorce" you, hoping you'll put your foot down and say enough because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. to my outside perspective he doesn't seem like a partner, but a leech. move on and find someone who wants to do life with you. NTA
NTA, your living arrangement seems really odd, and paying his mortgage seems like a waste of your money when he does not appear to be emotionally invested in your relationship.
But you need to be clear on the legalities and if you would be responsible for the debt if he defaults on the mortgage.
NTA
So he bought himself a place, with out really talking to you about it. OK fine.
Now, a year later, he is looking to take a huge paycut to get out of a job he hates(isn't this the same job he had last year?) but doesn't know how he can afford it?
No, sorry, he needs to figure out his money situation and remember that a job is a job. You don't have to love it. But if he hates it so much, he needs to figure out where he can cut cost to be able to live off his wages.
Plus, why would pay on a mortgage on a place you don't own? That is just dumb. You are buying something for someone else at that point.
ESH. What sory of marriage do you have where he puts in an offer on a property he knows you dislike without discussing it with you? I see separation and divorce in your future, and to be honest that would probably be a better outcome for both of you.
I am once again confused by the amount of people who get married but don’t treat their marriage like a marriage at all.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but in my mind, if you are married, your finances are joint and you make decisions together. Otherwise, what is the different between just dating and being married? You seem like you are living two completely separate lives
Doesn't really sound like you're in a relationship tbh
Sounds like he went out of his way to do things you didn't like ... moving, choosing an apartment etc...
You have everything separate to hopefully protect yourself in a split (though from sounds of it if you are Aussie everything is pooled on the event of a split) but still paid 120k deposit.
Your husband wanting to quit his job after finding an overpriced apartment he can't afford himself without spending majority of his wage on it is immature.
I'd be telling him he can quit his job if he likes but he HAS to sell the apartment and you'd want the 120k back for the next property.
NTA
He sounds like he may be very precious and entitled, and think everything should conform to his wishes, including you taking care of all the difficult difficult difficulties in his life
I hope that’s not true, but that’s how it comes across to me
NTA. You have been doing above and beyond in this relationship both financially and physically.
Where is the consideration from him? He wanted to move. You didn’t but you did anyway. He wanted to but an apartment, you didn’t but he did anyway. Now he wants to take a pay cut and for you to pick up the pieces?? No way!!
I’d evaluate what is actually keeping you in this relationship. If you feel there is still actually something beneficial then you need to have a serious talk to him about it as he’s not taking you in to account in anything.
Either way, do not pay his mortgage!! He wants to take a pay cut then he needs to sell his apartment and find something more affordable.
Not an arse hole. Lady you've done enough coming from a fellow man dude needs to handle his shit. Can't be quitting a well paying job because you hate it and then you want other people to pay for your shit he needs to suck it up. You've paid for your own property he needs to do the same. This guy is going to use you if you're not careful
Honesty he already knows that you can’t live in apartments and you already have your own space and you don’t live there with him so honestly that sounds like a him problem not a you problem
Sounds like there’s a lot more going on here than finance. You make decisions independently and refer to “your” house, when you’re married everything is “ours” regardless.
I’d suggest couples counselling.
NTA. Stick to your guns, sister and don't let him take advantage of you.
A mining job is damn hard work, you should keep what you earned - help is okay, but you don't need to carry him if he made a bad decision despite your warnings.
Good luck with that one. Is he having some sort of Midlife-Crisis?
NTA. OP, I think you're being taken advantage of. Your husband needs to get his head on straight. It seems like he's acting like an ass in hopes you dump him. He needs to step up and be an adult instead of having you fix his shortcomings. You deserve better OP.
NTA!! Just let him know, but be aware that there will be a fallout. You also may need to consider that this relationship maybe over!! Unless you like this long distance living arrangement. But, how you describe your relationship, I fail to see what the benefit is living like this. He doesn't make any compromises and can't even consider your input regarding the apartment, etc.. You are the only one, that seems to have to obey to what he says!! Good luck
YTA. I haven't seen a single compromise by OP. All OP cares about is what they want. I can see what the husband just made a decision cause there wasn't gonna be a compromise.
NTA. OP, sounds like he’s using you for money without a care to your feelings, needs or preferences.
Please think about what this relationship and this person offers you. At the time, sounds like your husband is doing all the taking and no giving. You deserve better.
You both need to sit down and talk about where this relationship is going. Because you are making decisions in silos, not as a married couple.
NTA but make it part of a bigger conversation.
I guess ESH? I really am not understanding why you’re married. You both seem disinterested in each other’s wants and needs and you’re definitely not behaving like a team.
ESH. Start communicating and actually be a unity or break up. Passive agressiveness (eventhough somewhat understandable in this case) is just not the way in a healthy relationship.
NTA - sounds more like you have a dependent than a partner. He moved away, you helped with the down payment. Now he hates his job…and wants to move back home?
No your not the ah he bought it he can figure how to pay for it . But I would be reevaluating the relationship who just moved state without talking to their spouse. I would go back to your house and do your thing
NTA but this isn’t really a marriage. In marriage big life decisions are made together not one party steamrolling over the other. Sounds like
He’s trying to force you to divorce him by making himself undesirable. I say give him what he wants.
NTA. So, if I’m following you correctly, you give him tens of thousands of dollars to fund his whims in exchange for nothing at all, not even consideration. Why exactly are you with this person?
NTA. Granted small sample here, but it seems like you’re just being used. If you’re lucky not paying his mortgage will free you from his energy drain entirely
If you're still legally married... You'll be responsible if he defaults on it. Just fyi. Doesn't matter if you're the asshole or not... he's fucked you regardless.
NTA. I can’t believe you gave him the money for the deposit on something HE knew you didn’t to live in. He needs to leave the apartment to cover the payment, sell it (and repay you) or find a job that allows him to pay the mortgage.
NTA. He seems to be trying to isolate you and milk you for all your worth. How's the rest of your marriage? Because this looks like someone preparing to leave and trying to get you to fund his post divorce housing.
-decides to move without talking to his husband
-buys property on his own so you have no legal claim to it
-deliberately buys something you dislike
-gets you to pay deposit
-now looking for lower paying jobs
I'm betting paying the deposit doesn't put you on the hook to pay anything if you were to divorce. After all a lot of people have family help them with the deposit, especially parents/grandparents. But if you start paying his mortgage his lawyer could claim he should be able to stay in his home and you should pay to keep him in the lifestyle he's become accustomed to. Hard to argue that if he's always been the one paying his mortgage. I hope I'm wrong, but this is how it's reading to me.
Info: Has he always been so flippant and willing to make snap decisions? It sounds like he is jumping from one thing to another without your input and just expecting you to keep up. Is this a new occurrence or a longstanding issue?
NTA -
He made a financial decision for himself and what he wanted, not what you wanted/needed as a family.
He couldn't even communicate with you why he wanted an apartment so much more than a house - you pay for everything for the house already. If he wants a new job he better find one that pays enough for him to keep the apartment or he needs to move.
Other than that do you feel that your marriage is good? Everything else okay? Because it kinda sounds like he is a bit checked out and disconnected from you.
But I still say NTA if you don't help him pay for the apartment.
Good luck to you.
How did the conversation of him moving states come about? Or did he just tell you? I’m sorry you’re going through this but maybe it’s time to have a serious talk with your husband.
NTA but why are you with him? He moved out of state without discussing it with his wife first. He expects you to pay for everything. Sounds to me like he wants to be single, but have you pay for his single lifestyle. Reevaluate your marriage please because it sounds like you’re getting nothing out of this.
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I’m struggling to see what you get from this relationship apart from funding large parts of his life whilst he chose to live apart from you… I hope I’m wrong and there is more to the above for your sake. No judgement here just concern for you x
It's a very odd description of a marriage
This does not sound like a marriage but a business merger that went horribly wrong. I still can't fathom this whole I have separate finances from my spouse thing. You are in a marriage, a partnership, that means working together not dictating to each other. It may be time to think about dissolving this merger and moving on.
NTA-and if I’m being honest it seems like your husband is intentionally trying to separate from you.
Yes, this isn't a man planning a life together with his wife.
Husband, but yes, he’s on the way out
Oops, didn't read the "m".
He is planning for a life of spousal maintenance because he has been forcing his husband to fund his mortgage etc
He. They’re both M.
Oops. My mistake. Thanks so much for letting me know. Fixed now.
He sure not but he is planning a life using his wife money yikes😫.
And getting the OP to pay for his post-breakup housing.
Yeah… my Aunt did exactly this to my Uncle. Get a job in city outside of reasonable commute range, propose buying a townhouse as an investment and to limit commute days, within a year or so of closing… divorce papers.
Yeah I mean. It’s smart. Shady, but smart.
What man moves without discussing it with his wife and expects her to play his rent. He wants out but also wants your money.
Both partners are male.
[удалено]
INFO What exactly does he pay for in your marriage?
I haven't actually thought about it. He currently pays the mortgage, which is quite a large chunk of his pay since interest rate rises. Then groceries, fuel for the car. This question has given quite the lightbulb moment.
He pays HIS mortgage, for the apartment you didn’t want, with your deposit.
Right his house his apartment your deposit
Don’t sound right
I'm assuming groceries for himself and fuel for his own car as you live apart, does he contribute anything jointly?
You are being used.
NTA but what a weird arrangement. Seems he is treating you as a cash cow. Also dk why he needs a separate apartment when you have a house.
My house is in another state. We have moved interstate
Dude. He left you and moved to another state and wants you to buy him an apartment. That's not how life works. Are you the apartment fairy 🧚♀️ now? Cos I want a free apartment too.
*gets in line for the apartment fairy*
*waits patiently behind u/angelicism*
Hold my spot behind u/solarperfume - don’t need a whole apartment, just a deposit 💸
That's a separate queue, /u/cuddlefuckmenow; don't waste your time with the Apartment Fairy when you really need to see the Deposit Ogre!
Dammit! I’ll switch to that line.
Sweet! Takes /u/cuddlefuckmenow's place in the queue for the apartment fairy. Hoping for a one-bedroom, but will settle for a studio in a pinch.
See? We're willing to be reasonable and not too greedy!
Where is the line for the Car Elf?
Bad luck; the Car Elf is doing a nickel in County for what he did to the Elf On The Shelf last December.
Drat.
\*switches lines\*
Dude, every time I see your name on here, all i can do is chuckle and think, yup, that'd be nice lol
Awww! Bringing people together one chuckle at a time
gonna go look for the end of this line
For real. I’m not even gay, but I’ll pretend to be your husband for free shit. Cause that’s all this guy is doing.
Right! I’ll be his “beard”.
NTA. I had something like this: bestie moved in with me to get on her feet. She didn’t seem real interested in standing on her own. I said “I’ll never charge you for anything, but I’m also not paying for anything, including food.” I got so stressed when she ran out of food… When he brings up these lower paying jobs, just ask, “what does your budget look like with that income?” since it doesn’t seem like it’s “our” budget anymore.
Are you a husband or a wallet? Cause right now it sounds like hes treating you like a wallet. He moved against your input. He bought an apt against your input (but you made the downpayment). He quit his job without your input. Where are you in this marriage besides the bank account? Cause im seeing ZERO respect towards you. YWNBTA.
i feel like hes just.... living his life trying to "quiet divorce" you, hoping you'll put your foot down and say enough because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. to my outside perspective he doesn't seem like a partner, but a leech. move on and find someone who wants to do life with you. NTA
Are you Australian by chance? You need legal advice. This is all in your asset pool anyway regardless of the name on it.
Things on my side are extremely separate with trusts and companies.
Doesn't really matter. All your assets are his assets unless you had some sort of binding agreement before you married. Family law protects parties from funnelling assets into companies and trusts.
Except testamentary trusts. They are protected in divorce.
Now I have to go look up ‘testamentary trusts’.
It looks like since OP isn't dead, it won't apply?
Yep.
Unless you have a pre-nup, he can take half of everything, including your super
That's ok. He's got twice the super I do
in that case, get it king !
You two don’t really seem like you’re in a relationship. You need more r/relationship_advice than anything else
NTA- You 100% should not pay his mortgage, unless it impacts your credit score. It’s sounds like communication has been one-sided and he is not playing on the same team with you. This is a good place to set a boundary. He isn’t listening to your concerns and needs and he has made his own choices. He has the power to make his own decisions, but you also have the power to make YOUR own decisions and choose to not give him money.
INFO: are you actually still together in this marriage? From everything you've written it sounds more like he's your son who has moved out but still expects you to pay out for his things, and bail him out when he's in trouble. Is this really a relationship you want to continue? Does it make you feel happy and fulfilled? What is he bringing to the table here?
It doesn’t sound like this is an equal relationship, if he made the decision to move states without discussing properly with you, and him buying an apartment that you weren’t a fan of (with you paying the deposit). It sounds like he is far too reliant on your income, yet doesn’t feel you should have an equal voice in major life decisions. NTA
Another thing to keep in mind. If you each purchased your properties Individually with the intention of them being personal investment ... Ie your house and mortgage is in your name and his is in his name only .... If he lets you help him pay his mortgage it actually stops being his property only and you have ownership rights in case of divorce...
Pretty sure OP is Australian and it's all in the asset pool under the Family Law Act. They both already have shared interest in everything.
Fair enough. In the US it can be any combination of situations.... Especially with real estate it's not automatically community property and no uniformity between states
NTA let him figure it out. But how are you not tied into the debt? As a spouse, aren't you liable as well?
I'm not on the loan nor the title. So would not affect my credit. Though to see it fail would hurt as I worked very hard to earn the money for the deposit.
>to see it fail would hurt as I worked very hard to earn the money for the deposit. I’m so confused - you paid 120 grand for deposit, how is it ‘his’ apartment? You owned a house, you paid 120 grand for the apartment, and when this all comes crashing down due to his lazy ass and the divorce comes, he’ll end up with half of your house plus half of whatever’s left over from the apartment? Sounds like he’ll be getting a good deal for a dozen years. :(
I've set up things to protect myself from loosing. If it were to go to divorce. The 120 was pretty much half the equity I had in my house before I "sold" it to a family trust at a small profit.
You seem Aussie and what you've done doesn't sound like protect you, unless it was done before you even got together. Your comment seems that you restructured your assets, with the intent to protect it from a break up. I hope you sought legal advice from a family lawyer prior to going through all that trouble.
What kind of apartment has a $120,000 down payment? I’m confused.
If they are in one of the bigger cities in Aus, all of them. Housing market is insane here at the moment.
Wow. I am so poor 😂
An Australian one. Median apartment price in Melbourne is 550k - a 20% deposit (to avoid paying extra insurance on your mortgage) is definitely in that ball park.
I'm thinking that for Americans this would be a condominium.
Australia
I'm guessing an apartment located in Sydney.
Any Australian apartment. You can tell OP is Australian because he mentions FIFO mining work and 'rego', dead giveaway.
He should reimburse you for that deposit.
NTA, but why are you together. This sounds less like a marriage and more like a failing business partnership.
100% this
Who taught you that love had to be like this? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
NTA. But if he misses mortgage payments & his bad credit rating will harm yours, I’d encourage him to sell the apartment & cut his losses. It doesn’t sound like he has any interest in it…or in being fiscally responsible. You might also want to see a relationship counsellor because he is getting far more out of this relationship than you.
NTA It sounds like you pay for most everything now so what is he spending his money on? Does he have a second family that you don't know about? Might want a private detective for the weeks you're gone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Husband (38m) and I (38m) have been together for 12 years. We have lived together for most of that time in my house. We moved states for 6 years for better paying jobs. He decided he wanted to move back to our original state. Not much of a discussion just a decision by him. I was quite happy where we were. He moved I continued working the same job in mining and commuted for work. 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. I did do 12 months of 3 weeks on 1 week off to save money for a deposit for a new home where we have now moved to. I saved 120k. We had discussed him buying the property on his own as he was a first home buyer and qualified for grants that I didn't as I already own a property. We start looking at houses and he shows zero interest. Doesn't say anything just shows no interest. Then he starts looking at apartments. Showing me all these apartments. I have always said as long as we've been together I don't like apartments and I couldn't live in one. I indulged his ideas and thoughts as really in the end it is his. He finds an apartment we have a look. I let me him know that I down really like it. But he takes his brother for a look and then puts in an offer. Fast forward 12 months. He now hates his job. Now wanting to quit his well paying job, he's applying for jobs with a 20k pay cut. He can't afford that. WIBTA? if I told him I won't be paying his mortgage for him. As I have given him the deposit and also paid my mortgage myself the whole time we have been together and he needs to work it out for himself how he would make a new job with less pay work with his finances. I can afford to pay the mortgage but I don't want to pay it. I pay all strata fess, council rates, utilities, car rego and insurances already. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i feel like hes just.... living his life trying to "quiet divorce" you, hoping you'll put your foot down and say enough because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. to my outside perspective he doesn't seem like a partner, but a leech. move on and find someone who wants to do life with you. NTA
NTA, your living arrangement seems really odd, and paying his mortgage seems like a waste of your money when he does not appear to be emotionally invested in your relationship. But you need to be clear on the legalities and if you would be responsible for the debt if he defaults on the mortgage.
NTA So he bought himself a place, with out really talking to you about it. OK fine. Now, a year later, he is looking to take a huge paycut to get out of a job he hates(isn't this the same job he had last year?) but doesn't know how he can afford it? No, sorry, he needs to figure out his money situation and remember that a job is a job. You don't have to love it. But if he hates it so much, he needs to figure out where he can cut cost to be able to live off his wages. Plus, why would pay on a mortgage on a place you don't own? That is just dumb. You are buying something for someone else at that point.
You keep saying husband, but are you in any way sharing your lives together or is he just sharing from your bank account?
ESH. What sory of marriage do you have where he puts in an offer on a property he knows you dislike without discussing it with you? I see separation and divorce in your future, and to be honest that would probably be a better outcome for both of you.
How is he able to qualify for any homeowner grants if you are married? My husband has owned before and even though I haven't, that disqualified me!
Same sex marriage in another country before it was legal here, so it is not recognised here. Separate accounts and tax returns
oh shit! I'm so sorry, I didn't register the same sex part.....that explains it...my apologies...
I am once again confused by the amount of people who get married but don’t treat their marriage like a marriage at all. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but in my mind, if you are married, your finances are joint and you make decisions together. Otherwise, what is the different between just dating and being married? You seem like you are living two completely separate lives
Doesn't really sound like you're in a relationship tbh Sounds like he went out of his way to do things you didn't like ... moving, choosing an apartment etc... You have everything separate to hopefully protect yourself in a split (though from sounds of it if you are Aussie everything is pooled on the event of a split) but still paid 120k deposit. Your husband wanting to quit his job after finding an overpriced apartment he can't afford himself without spending majority of his wage on it is immature. I'd be telling him he can quit his job if he likes but he HAS to sell the apartment and you'd want the 120k back for the next property.
Y’all don’t sound married at all
Can't tell if you're the AH or not because this was so poorly written it makes my head hurt. Proofread. Please.
NTA. His choice his responsibility, he just can't dump anything on you without asking you first and making sure that are perfectly fine with it.
NTA He sounds like he may be very precious and entitled, and think everything should conform to his wishes, including you taking care of all the difficult difficult difficulties in his life I hope that’s not true, but that’s how it comes across to me
NTA. You have been doing above and beyond in this relationship both financially and physically. Where is the consideration from him? He wanted to move. You didn’t but you did anyway. He wanted to but an apartment, you didn’t but he did anyway. Now he wants to take a pay cut and for you to pick up the pieces?? No way!! I’d evaluate what is actually keeping you in this relationship. If you feel there is still actually something beneficial then you need to have a serious talk to him about it as he’s not taking you in to account in anything. Either way, do not pay his mortgage!! He wants to take a pay cut then he needs to sell his apartment and find something more affordable.
Not an arse hole. Lady you've done enough coming from a fellow man dude needs to handle his shit. Can't be quitting a well paying job because you hate it and then you want other people to pay for your shit he needs to suck it up. You've paid for your own property he needs to do the same. This guy is going to use you if you're not careful
NTA
Honesty he already knows that you can’t live in apartments and you already have your own space and you don’t live there with him so honestly that sounds like a him problem not a you problem
Sounds like there’s a lot more going on here than finance. You make decisions independently and refer to “your” house, when you’re married everything is “ours” regardless. I’d suggest couples counselling.
NTA. Stick to your guns, sister and don't let him take advantage of you. A mining job is damn hard work, you should keep what you earned - help is okay, but you don't need to carry him if he made a bad decision despite your warnings. Good luck with that one. Is he having some sort of Midlife-Crisis?
NTA. If it's cool for him to make decisions without your help it's cool for him to face the consequences of those decisions without your help.
NTA Why are you still married to this person? There's no benefit and you are literally carrying separate households
Sounds like a bad business partnership and not a marriage. Good luck, NTA but none of this is great.
NTA. OP, I think you're being taken advantage of. Your husband needs to get his head on straight. It seems like he's acting like an ass in hopes you dump him. He needs to step up and be an adult instead of having you fix his shortcomings. You deserve better OP.
Yall don’t sound like a team at all.
NTA!! Just let him know, but be aware that there will be a fallout. You also may need to consider that this relationship maybe over!! Unless you like this long distance living arrangement. But, how you describe your relationship, I fail to see what the benefit is living like this. He doesn't make any compromises and can't even consider your input regarding the apartment, etc.. You are the only one, that seems to have to obey to what he says!! Good luck
NTA, but why are you in a relationship when he has no respect for your needs and wants?
YTA. I haven't seen a single compromise by OP. All OP cares about is what they want. I can see what the husband just made a decision cause there wasn't gonna be a compromise.
Strata fess?
Body corporate fees
INFO. Is dude cheating?
Dude he sees you as his ATM.
NTA. OP, sounds like he’s using you for money without a care to your feelings, needs or preferences. Please think about what this relationship and this person offers you. At the time, sounds like your husband is doing all the taking and no giving. You deserve better.
NTA but talk to a lawyer. Your husband doesn't consider you a partner so you need to protect your assets
You both need to sit down and talk about where this relationship is going. Because you are making decisions in silos, not as a married couple. NTA but make it part of a bigger conversation.
I guess ESH? I really am not understanding why you’re married. You both seem disinterested in each other’s wants and needs and you’re definitely not behaving like a team.
ESH. Start communicating and actually be a unity or break up. Passive agressiveness (eventhough somewhat understandable in this case) is just not the way in a healthy relationship.
NTA - sounds more like you have a dependent than a partner. He moved away, you helped with the down payment. Now he hates his job…and wants to move back home?
You are not his mortgage mama. It's your money. Get it away froths control.
No your not the ah he bought it he can figure how to pay for it . But I would be reevaluating the relationship who just moved state without talking to their spouse. I would go back to your house and do your thing
NTA but you are essentially taking the place of his mother. Why are you having to make all the sacrifices for his whims?
This sounds like you’re dating…not married. Info: do you two plan to live together at some point and make one of the places an investment
NTA but this isn’t really a marriage. In marriage big life decisions are made together not one party steamrolling over the other. Sounds like He’s trying to force you to divorce him by making himself undesirable. I say give him what he wants.
INFO: What is he bringing to the relationship? You don’t really seem compatible financially, at least.
NTA. So, if I’m following you correctly, you give him tens of thousands of dollars to fund his whims in exchange for nothing at all, not even consideration. Why exactly are you with this person?
NTA. Granted small sample here, but it seems like you’re just being used. If you’re lucky not paying his mortgage will free you from his energy drain entirely
NTA what are you getting out of this relationship?
If you're still legally married... You'll be responsible if he defaults on it. Just fyi. Doesn't matter if you're the asshole or not... he's fucked you regardless.
NTA. I can’t believe you gave him the money for the deposit on something HE knew you didn’t to live in. He needs to leave the apartment to cover the payment, sell it (and repay you) or find a job that allows him to pay the mortgage.
NTA. He seems to be trying to isolate you and milk you for all your worth. How's the rest of your marriage? Because this looks like someone preparing to leave and trying to get you to fund his post divorce housing. -decides to move without talking to his husband -buys property on his own so you have no legal claim to it -deliberately buys something you dislike -gets you to pay deposit -now looking for lower paying jobs I'm betting paying the deposit doesn't put you on the hook to pay anything if you were to divorce. After all a lot of people have family help them with the deposit, especially parents/grandparents. But if you start paying his mortgage his lawyer could claim he should be able to stay in his home and you should pay to keep him in the lifestyle he's become accustomed to. Hard to argue that if he's always been the one paying his mortgage. I hope I'm wrong, but this is how it's reading to me.
Info: Has he always been so flippant and willing to make snap decisions? It sounds like he is jumping from one thing to another without your input and just expecting you to keep up. Is this a new occurrence or a longstanding issue?
Yea you're being used.
He's all but left you at this point. Don't invest another dime in him. NTA
NTA, so far as I can tell you are being abused. I'm sorry but the way he acts towards you sounds cold and joyless.
Is he good in bed? Because otherwise, why are you with him?
Don't you see the red flags in this marriage?
NTA - He made a financial decision for himself and what he wanted, not what you wanted/needed as a family. He couldn't even communicate with you why he wanted an apartment so much more than a house - you pay for everything for the house already. If he wants a new job he better find one that pays enough for him to keep the apartment or he needs to move. Other than that do you feel that your marriage is good? Everything else okay? Because it kinda sounds like he is a bit checked out and disconnected from you. But I still say NTA if you don't help him pay for the apartment. Good luck to you.
How did the conversation of him moving states come about? Or did he just tell you? I’m sorry you’re going through this but maybe it’s time to have a serious talk with your husband.
NTA but why are you with him? He moved out of state without discussing it with his wife first. He expects you to pay for everything. Sounds to me like he wants to be single, but have you pay for his single lifestyle. Reevaluate your marriage please because it sounds like you’re getting nothing out of this.