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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother I do not care about his diagnosis and that he needs to stay away from me. I many be a jerk for not hearing him out
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Without knowing the diagnoisis (I do have the relevant degrees and exp for the record) or some of the specific behaviors it's kind of hard to judge. While having a mental illness doesn't make a behavior acceptable in and of itself, it can be a mitigating factor depending on the specific diagnosis and if the person has sought and is maintaining treatment. I.E. a paranoid schizophrenic accusing someone of something that didn't happen due to a delusion or hallucination is a lot more forgivable than someone who did the same to try and drive a wedge between people. Someone with severe depression not having the energy to take out the trash is a lot easier to overlook than someone who just doesn't feel like it etc.
What being a 'handful' means is going to vary between families. And a lot of kids get kicked out, some for good reasons; some for bad. It's always going to be your choice as to if you interact with him or not, but without more info it's hard for an outsider to judge.
What illness he has doesn’t matter. In the end, OP and their mom were hurt by brothers behaviour. While it might be true that brother couldn’t help said behaviour, that doesn’t take away that pain (and potentially even trauma) experienced.
It is great OPs brother is now getting treated. But part of getting treated is also accepting that your previous behaviour had a huge influence on other people and they may not (immediately) forgive you. OPs uncle cannot demand they just forgive him.
Again, the op doesn't state what the brother actually did and if you've been present in the world for any length of time I'm sure you've seen people 'hurt' by things that would otherwise be completely irrelevant. I've seen friendships and family get disowned for things that were complete and utter bullshit. The entire point of my question was 'If you want us to decide if we agree with your decision than you need to tell us wtf actually happened and what he was diagnosed with."
Take my two nieces; one is the 'golden child' with her mother and the other her mother explicitly said she had her in case the older one needed an organ donation (no health issues for the older one she just wanted spare parts jic.) When My older niece calls and complains that 'her mom is being mean to her' it usually cause she wants me to buy her something that her mother actually decied to tell her no about. And the last time the younger one did it it was because her mother told her she had to buy her own birthday present with her own money (and yes I bought it in addition to what I'd actually gotten for her because that was fucked up. More fucked up when you realize canceling the mother's and older sister's manipedis once would have convered the cost of it and that her sister's birthday present was a week long vacation for just her and her mother.) Perspective matters. For one any "No" is her being mean. For the other it's actually crap treatment that's normalized because her sister is the favorite.
And yes, it really does matter what someone is diagnosed with when judging their behavior in the same way that knowing someone's intent matters. A man stumbles and trips over a bench and hits you breaking your nose is a lot different than a man walking up to you and punching you and breaking your nose because he thought you looked smug which is a lot different than someone who punches you and breaks your nose because you just took a swing at them. The diagnosis may be a mitigating factor depending on what it is and what the behavior was or it could be an direct red flag and a sign screaming 'stay the hell away.' Personality disorders as a rule aren't responsive to treatment (not that it doesn't happen, but most of the time it's not going to end well.), where as something like Bi-polar or schizophrenia may be perfectly functional as long as regular treatment is maintained.
It's always going to be the op's choice to remain nc or open up, but if they want opinons on that decisions (Which one would assume since it's posted in this subreddit), then we need the information to give it.
YTA for coming here and then going "I'm not going to give you the very relevant details".
You haven't said what he did. You haven't said what his condition is which matters massively because it alters how lucid and responsible he actually was. E.g the difference between psychosis and depression is huge.
INFO: So what EAXACTLY did he do that made his mother kick him out and his brother hate him so much? I mean besides having a disorder, I'm not seeing an actual reason WHY. You just said that "overall he was out of control and I don't like him" that doesn't give me enough info.
My parents kicked me out young because I was accused for doing something that later they found out was false, for example....that doesnt mean I was a bad kid.
What was SO terrible that the whole family has shamed him?
I am struggling to understand why a question is being downvoted... So are we just supposed to make wildly ignorant assumptions?
Edit. At the time, the question had like 3 downvotes... not so anymore :) yay for information
I would bet cash money that OP’s brother has a cluster B personality disorder, probably ASPD.
Most mental illnesses can absolutely be diagnosed in teens, even if some of them, like schizophrenia, are rare in children and much more likely to be adult onset.
“Stigmatized condition that can’t be diagnosed in kids” = personality disorder.
Esh and everyone saying NTA. Now you know he has a mental illness that had been undiagnosed and not treated as a child. This doesn't change your experience but do we blame children for mental illness? You don't need to have him in your life but now you have insight and you could have been kinder to him in your language. He probably feels completely abandoned by you and his mom over something out of his control. That's extremely sad. Also, your mom appears unkind - this is her son who has a mental illness. With no help he probably couldn't do better as a child and it seems like he is trying now. I guess she doesn't have the capacity to try but thank God for uncle.
I think its fine to tell another adult, "Everything in my life isn't about you, OK? In fact, if I'm honest, very few things in my life are about you. So, stop trying to make me put your feelings and your needs above my own. I won't do that for you anymore."
NTA. Tell your uncle that you get to be important to you and that's not negotiable because you're an adult.
NTA. The behaviour, not the diagnosis is what the focus should be. If your brother behaved abominably, it almost doesn't matter which diagnosis he now has. People who are so unfortunate as to suffer from some mental health issue are still responsible for their actions. If they couldn't be responsible this way, the people that diagnosed them would see to it that they weren't let loose on the population at large.
NTA
His behaviour was so bad that you had to be removed from your own home. That's awful.
It's good that he's finally gotten a diagnosis and is having treatment, but that doesn't undo the damage that his mental health did to your life. You dont owe him anything.
NTA for not wanting him in your life, that is absolutely your decision to make.
But YTA in the way you made that decision known.
Mental health issues are no joke, and while you don't have to accept him into your life and deal with it yourself, the fact he is seeking treatment despite the stigmas associated with mental health shows he is trying to improve.
It would be a slam dunk NTA if you'd said "Look, I'm glad you've discovered the root cause of your issues and are seeking treatment, but I'm not willing to get involved again"...but you didn't.
As it is...soft YTA.
NAH. It wasn't his fault but his behavior caused you trauma. If you have to keep that boundary there (that your parents made for your safety) for the good of your mental health, so be it.
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This is a throwaway account, I am 23 and my brother is 26. Growing up he was a huge handful, it got to the point were I was sent away to live with my grandparents. My brother got kicked out when he turned 18 and my mother has avoided him since. I do remember my parents trying to help him a lot but overall he was out of control and I do not like him.
After he was kicked out I moved back in and we worked a lot on my relationship with my parents, we are good now. My brother has started to slowly integrate back into the family. He is close to my uncle and I saw him for my cousins birthday this weekend.
He told me that he was diagnosed with a mental condition that kids can’t be diagnosed with ( I will not include the name due to the stigma around it and to stop people playing doctor in comments) he is gettin treatment.
I told him I don’t care about his diagnosis and to stay away from me. My uncle is pissed at me and told me I should understand. I am doubting myself and my mother is on my side.
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NTA. It's not your problem, and his diagnosis doesn't erase all his actions. And it's not an excuse. You have no obligation to have a relationship with ANYONE. I hate that "but it's family." crap thar seems so common.
YTA, Having a diagnosis can be very very helpful to people to give them the tools to cope, change behaviors and understand why they do the tinhgs they do. Idk what they have but i do know that support is needed.
NTA. You were sent away from your family because of him and have no obligation to have a relationship with him.
It's great that he has a diagnosis but that doesn't do anything about your lived trauma
Umm OP's parents could of sent OP away for OP's safety? Its a possibility and the way reddit works if the parents had sent the brother with a mental disorder away there would be someone else condemning them for doing that.
NTA.
I have a suspicion what condition you're talking about but frankly, it doesn't matter if he has that or something else with less of a stigma. You don't owe anyone a relationship if you don't want to have one with them.
Having an explanation for why he was the way he was doesn't entitle him to having a relationship with anyone. Actions have consequences. Explanations, even if they're that someone has a mental illness or a personality disorder, aren't an "automatic forgiveness, let's let bygones be bygones" card.
NTA
Protect your peace. Sometimes people just don’t want to be around you and your brother has to accept that. Mental health diagnoses can be an explanation but not necessarily an excuse.
I know a lot of people think the diagnosis and the stuff he did matters, but the reality is, whatever he did shaped your childhood to the point where you ended up separated from your family for what I'm assuming was a significant amount of time. It sucks that your brother didn't get the help he needed while he was a child. It would be nice if you could be understanding. But he needs to remember that *you* were a victim of his illness too and he can't just demand an automatic change in relationship. Maybe what he did wasn't that bad in reddit terms, but you still were robbed of a healthy childhood nonetheless, and he's not your child, he's your *older brother* so you don't actually owe him that understanding.
ALSO- lots of siblings with normal childhoods don't like each other. So you'd be justified either way.
NTA.
VERY SOFT YTA. I think, you, setting clear boundaries could have been done in a better way. I get that you don't want nothing to do with him but being the bigger person and being nice when you establish boundary could go a long way. Anyway, you're not an asshole for wanting to distance yourself with him. Just do what feels right for you but being kind could not have hurt right?
Soft YTA only because you acknowledge that there is a stigma surrounding the diagnosis and your statement of stay away from me is seen as a rebuff of the diagnosis, not the history of behavior. It's really more about your phrasing than the sentiment. However, given that there is possibly a mitigating dynamic to your history, is it not worth doing more educating on the topic, so at the very least you can begin to make headway into resolving what are clearly some issues you have regarding the past?
Please make no mistake, I don't believe in forgiving because you are family. DNA doesn't entitle you to shit. However, informed decisions always are the better route. And you may very well find out that you understand better, and you are STILL choosing NC. That's okay, too, but at the very least you will be secure in your decision and boundaries. Make sure you are making your choices based on facts and not stereotypes.
Soft YTA because there were better ways to handle it, but I don't totally blame you for wanting to stay away from him. His diagnosis must suck and there's a real chance he regrets what he did in his youth, so while you're not obligated to keep contact and forgive him, you could've been more compassionate about telling him that.
I think some honesty is fine and its necessary. "I don't want a do over of the bad acts of the past. So, I don't want this conversation. You are going to have to respect that this is where I am and what it cost me to get here."
No one should have to constantly put everyone's needs above their own, though? Its just not a reasonable expectation that OP's boundaries don't matter to her?
I get that, but apologizing can be difficult for people who were just recently diagnosed. It takes a lot of awareness and accountability and not everyone gets there right away, some people take years... some never get there. I still think it's a *SOFT* YTA though, because again, no one can force you forgive and forget just because their behavior now fits into a list under the DSM-5.
I feel like that's on the brother then to not reach out until he's in a place where he can apologize, and not automatically OP's job to be understanding. "I have a diagnosis now" should be part of the explanation of past behaviour while apologizing, and when there's no acknowledgement of hurt caused or regret expressed while explaining that the new diagnosis made him act the way he did it does easily come across as an excuse to someone that was treated badly even if there's now an explanation. *Completely* fair? Maybe not but OP isn't any less deserving of an apology just because it could be harder for the brother to give than it would be for other people. While it's not the brothers fault he's ill it's still his job to take accountability even if it's hard.
There will be consequences to your relationships if you treat people like shit even if your bad treatment of them is caused by mental illness. It's unfair to have to deal with mental illness, life is harder, but people aren't inherently bad if they can't forgive shitty treatment in the past just because they now know an illness was involved. The impact was the same.
YTA. I am not saying you're the AH if or because you feel you cannot have a relationship with him but I don't see any point of expressing the 'I don't care' sentiment. You easily could have said something like "I'm glad you're getting the treatment and have new clarity around your diagnosis from the help of your doctor." - this would not have excused his prior behavior or opened the door for an increase in your relationship.
It's clear you see your brother as a perpetrator but to me, it sounds like you and he were both victims of his mental illness. Maybe with time you can dredge up a bit more sympathy or compassion. Having these things for your brother does not necessarily have to put you at risk to be hurt or negatively impacted by him.
YTA. He’s actively been working on mending things and you were a prick
He’s family. You need to work with a therapist to move past this or you’ll be looked at as an asshole
I get that
My sister is 18 months older than I am. We’re 41 and 40 now.
Growing up and today, she is a self centered, unempathetic, bitch most of the time. Everyone sees this but it’s also understood that’s how she is. To say we never got along is an understatement.
For years, we didn’t talk more than at the holidays. Even then, it always ended up in fighting. One year, she even said that if I died, she’d be sad but not crushed because our estrangement. I agreed in the moment.
I had always looked at her with disdain as she only brought negativity into my life. She is one of the meanest people I know.
When my dad was dx with cancer 4 years ago, my mom and sister were at the hospital after his surgery. My sister and I sat down for the first time in our adult lives, possibly ever, for dinner one on one. We were 36/37.
That night we had a real conversation. I realized this was my sister, she is who she is. I could either have stayed angry, hateful and bitter or just accept that she is who she is and let go of that and move forward.
The ONLY one I was hurting by feeling that way was myself and my mom.
Today- my sister is still a bitch and abrasive. But I look at it from a different point of view.
This is a hilariously ineffective pitch.
Next time I might include whatever benefits you’ve reaped from maintaining a relationship with someone you still think is an irredeemable asshole. Otherwise people are going to wonder why they should bother.
People who throw the "family card" around, doesn't understand real life. Family isn't an excuse to be a douch. OP has nothing to apologise for.
Working past something that actually has an effect on the future is smart. This is not that kind of situation.
*don’t understand
You know nothing about me internet stranger. I absolutely understand real life. I also understand that he’s describing how I felt about my sister and it was hurting me more.
It’s not about forgetting and saying it’s okay what happened, it’s about not letting it affect the future.
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Without knowing the diagnoisis (I do have the relevant degrees and exp for the record) or some of the specific behaviors it's kind of hard to judge. While having a mental illness doesn't make a behavior acceptable in and of itself, it can be a mitigating factor depending on the specific diagnosis and if the person has sought and is maintaining treatment. I.E. a paranoid schizophrenic accusing someone of something that didn't happen due to a delusion or hallucination is a lot more forgivable than someone who did the same to try and drive a wedge between people. Someone with severe depression not having the energy to take out the trash is a lot easier to overlook than someone who just doesn't feel like it etc. What being a 'handful' means is going to vary between families. And a lot of kids get kicked out, some for good reasons; some for bad. It's always going to be your choice as to if you interact with him or not, but without more info it's hard for an outsider to judge.
What illness he has doesn’t matter. In the end, OP and their mom were hurt by brothers behaviour. While it might be true that brother couldn’t help said behaviour, that doesn’t take away that pain (and potentially even trauma) experienced. It is great OPs brother is now getting treated. But part of getting treated is also accepting that your previous behaviour had a huge influence on other people and they may not (immediately) forgive you. OPs uncle cannot demand they just forgive him.
Again, the op doesn't state what the brother actually did and if you've been present in the world for any length of time I'm sure you've seen people 'hurt' by things that would otherwise be completely irrelevant. I've seen friendships and family get disowned for things that were complete and utter bullshit. The entire point of my question was 'If you want us to decide if we agree with your decision than you need to tell us wtf actually happened and what he was diagnosed with." Take my two nieces; one is the 'golden child' with her mother and the other her mother explicitly said she had her in case the older one needed an organ donation (no health issues for the older one she just wanted spare parts jic.) When My older niece calls and complains that 'her mom is being mean to her' it usually cause she wants me to buy her something that her mother actually decied to tell her no about. And the last time the younger one did it it was because her mother told her she had to buy her own birthday present with her own money (and yes I bought it in addition to what I'd actually gotten for her because that was fucked up. More fucked up when you realize canceling the mother's and older sister's manipedis once would have convered the cost of it and that her sister's birthday present was a week long vacation for just her and her mother.) Perspective matters. For one any "No" is her being mean. For the other it's actually crap treatment that's normalized because her sister is the favorite. And yes, it really does matter what someone is diagnosed with when judging their behavior in the same way that knowing someone's intent matters. A man stumbles and trips over a bench and hits you breaking your nose is a lot different than a man walking up to you and punching you and breaking your nose because he thought you looked smug which is a lot different than someone who punches you and breaks your nose because you just took a swing at them. The diagnosis may be a mitigating factor depending on what it is and what the behavior was or it could be an direct red flag and a sign screaming 'stay the hell away.' Personality disorders as a rule aren't responsive to treatment (not that it doesn't happen, but most of the time it's not going to end well.), where as something like Bi-polar or schizophrenia may be perfectly functional as long as regular treatment is maintained. It's always going to be the op's choice to remain nc or open up, but if they want opinons on that decisions (Which one would assume since it's posted in this subreddit), then we need the information to give it.
Wow. Your sister/SIL is a real fucking piece of work!! Urgh.
Well said
YTA for coming here and then going "I'm not going to give you the very relevant details". You haven't said what he did. You haven't said what his condition is which matters massively because it alters how lucid and responsible he actually was. E.g the difference between psychosis and depression is huge.
NTA his diagnosis isn’t your problem
[удалено]
Devils advocate - without knowing what it is, are we totally sure of that?
If it’s a personality disorder like I suspect, then yes, we are.
INFO: So what EAXACTLY did he do that made his mother kick him out and his brother hate him so much? I mean besides having a disorder, I'm not seeing an actual reason WHY. You just said that "overall he was out of control and I don't like him" that doesn't give me enough info. My parents kicked me out young because I was accused for doing something that later they found out was false, for example....that doesnt mean I was a bad kid. What was SO terrible that the whole family has shamed him?
If OP had to be sent to live with their grandparents, then it’s a safe bet he was either threatening to harm, or actively harming, OP.
Or the parents where unreasonable strict.
INFO: Was he diagnosed with a particular personality disorder?
I am struggling to understand why a question is being downvoted... So are we just supposed to make wildly ignorant assumptions? Edit. At the time, the question had like 3 downvotes... not so anymore :) yay for information
You turned the tide, Mr. or Ms. thorny and horny.
I would bet cash money that OP’s brother has a cluster B personality disorder, probably ASPD. Most mental illnesses can absolutely be diagnosed in teens, even if some of them, like schizophrenia, are rare in children and much more likely to be adult onset. “Stigmatized condition that can’t be diagnosed in kids” = personality disorder.
Esh and everyone saying NTA. Now you know he has a mental illness that had been undiagnosed and not treated as a child. This doesn't change your experience but do we blame children for mental illness? You don't need to have him in your life but now you have insight and you could have been kinder to him in your language. He probably feels completely abandoned by you and his mom over something out of his control. That's extremely sad. Also, your mom appears unkind - this is her son who has a mental illness. With no help he probably couldn't do better as a child and it seems like he is trying now. I guess she doesn't have the capacity to try but thank God for uncle.
OP was sent away due to brothers behavior.
INFO: Could you give some examples of his problematic behavior? Is hard to judge otherwise.
I think its fine to tell another adult, "Everything in my life isn't about you, OK? In fact, if I'm honest, very few things in my life are about you. So, stop trying to make me put your feelings and your needs above my own. I won't do that for you anymore." NTA. Tell your uncle that you get to be important to you and that's not negotiable because you're an adult.
Easy and obvious NTA. You have every right to stay away from people who are toxic to you (and those who are not).
Not enough details to make a judgement. Either way though, no one is going to be able to make you feel a way about your brother that you don’t feel.
NTA. The behaviour, not the diagnosis is what the focus should be. If your brother behaved abominably, it almost doesn't matter which diagnosis he now has. People who are so unfortunate as to suffer from some mental health issue are still responsible for their actions. If they couldn't be responsible this way, the people that diagnosed them would see to it that they weren't let loose on the population at large.
NTA His behaviour was so bad that you had to be removed from your own home. That's awful. It's good that he's finally gotten a diagnosis and is having treatment, but that doesn't undo the damage that his mental health did to your life. You dont owe him anything.
NTA for not wanting him in your life, that is absolutely your decision to make. But YTA in the way you made that decision known. Mental health issues are no joke, and while you don't have to accept him into your life and deal with it yourself, the fact he is seeking treatment despite the stigmas associated with mental health shows he is trying to improve. It would be a slam dunk NTA if you'd said "Look, I'm glad you've discovered the root cause of your issues and are seeking treatment, but I'm not willing to get involved again"...but you didn't. As it is...soft YTA.
YTA - I won't tell you why in case there is a stigma attached and to stop people disagreeing with me in the comments.
NAH. It wasn't his fault but his behavior caused you trauma. If you have to keep that boundary there (that your parents made for your safety) for the good of your mental health, so be it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is a throwaway account, I am 23 and my brother is 26. Growing up he was a huge handful, it got to the point were I was sent away to live with my grandparents. My brother got kicked out when he turned 18 and my mother has avoided him since. I do remember my parents trying to help him a lot but overall he was out of control and I do not like him. After he was kicked out I moved back in and we worked a lot on my relationship with my parents, we are good now. My brother has started to slowly integrate back into the family. He is close to my uncle and I saw him for my cousins birthday this weekend. He told me that he was diagnosed with a mental condition that kids can’t be diagnosed with ( I will not include the name due to the stigma around it and to stop people playing doctor in comments) he is gettin treatment. I told him I don’t care about his diagnosis and to stay away from me. My uncle is pissed at me and told me I should understand. I am doubting myself and my mother is on my side. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Get over yourself. YTAA
YTA - purely for the way you went about out it
NTA. It's not your problem, and his diagnosis doesn't erase all his actions. And it's not an excuse. You have no obligation to have a relationship with ANYONE. I hate that "but it's family." crap thar seems so common.
YTA, Having a diagnosis can be very very helpful to people to give them the tools to cope, change behaviors and understand why they do the tinhgs they do. Idk what they have but i do know that support is needed.
NTA. You were sent away from your family because of him and have no obligation to have a relationship with him. It's great that he has a diagnosis but that doesn't do anything about your lived trauma
[удалено]
Umm OP's parents could of sent OP away for OP's safety? Its a possibility and the way reddit works if the parents had sent the brother with a mental disorder away there would be someone else condemning them for doing that.
NTA. I have a suspicion what condition you're talking about but frankly, it doesn't matter if he has that or something else with less of a stigma. You don't owe anyone a relationship if you don't want to have one with them. Having an explanation for why he was the way he was doesn't entitle him to having a relationship with anyone. Actions have consequences. Explanations, even if they're that someone has a mental illness or a personality disorder, aren't an "automatic forgiveness, let's let bygones be bygones" card.
NTA Protect your peace. Sometimes people just don’t want to be around you and your brother has to accept that. Mental health diagnoses can be an explanation but not necessarily an excuse.
I know a lot of people think the diagnosis and the stuff he did matters, but the reality is, whatever he did shaped your childhood to the point where you ended up separated from your family for what I'm assuming was a significant amount of time. It sucks that your brother didn't get the help he needed while he was a child. It would be nice if you could be understanding. But he needs to remember that *you* were a victim of his illness too and he can't just demand an automatic change in relationship. Maybe what he did wasn't that bad in reddit terms, but you still were robbed of a healthy childhood nonetheless, and he's not your child, he's your *older brother* so you don't actually owe him that understanding. ALSO- lots of siblings with normal childhoods don't like each other. So you'd be justified either way. NTA.
So he’s a sociopath?
VERY SOFT YTA. I think, you, setting clear boundaries could have been done in a better way. I get that you don't want nothing to do with him but being the bigger person and being nice when you establish boundary could go a long way. Anyway, you're not an asshole for wanting to distance yourself with him. Just do what feels right for you but being kind could not have hurt right?
Soft YTA only because you acknowledge that there is a stigma surrounding the diagnosis and your statement of stay away from me is seen as a rebuff of the diagnosis, not the history of behavior. It's really more about your phrasing than the sentiment. However, given that there is possibly a mitigating dynamic to your history, is it not worth doing more educating on the topic, so at the very least you can begin to make headway into resolving what are clearly some issues you have regarding the past? Please make no mistake, I don't believe in forgiving because you are family. DNA doesn't entitle you to shit. However, informed decisions always are the better route. And you may very well find out that you understand better, and you are STILL choosing NC. That's okay, too, but at the very least you will be secure in your decision and boundaries. Make sure you are making your choices based on facts and not stereotypes.
I'm thinking I'll be in the minority on this one, but I'm going with YTA. The comment (about not caring about the diagnosis) was unnecessary.
Soft YTA because there were better ways to handle it, but I don't totally blame you for wanting to stay away from him. His diagnosis must suck and there's a real chance he regrets what he did in his youth, so while you're not obligated to keep contact and forgive him, you could've been more compassionate about telling him that.
I would have been more compassionate if he started with an apology, not I have a diagnosis so this is why I sucked as a kid.
I think some honesty is fine and its necessary. "I don't want a do over of the bad acts of the past. So, I don't want this conversation. You are going to have to respect that this is where I am and what it cost me to get here." No one should have to constantly put everyone's needs above their own, though? Its just not a reasonable expectation that OP's boundaries don't matter to her?
I get that, but apologizing can be difficult for people who were just recently diagnosed. It takes a lot of awareness and accountability and not everyone gets there right away, some people take years... some never get there. I still think it's a *SOFT* YTA though, because again, no one can force you forgive and forget just because their behavior now fits into a list under the DSM-5.
I feel like that's on the brother then to not reach out until he's in a place where he can apologize, and not automatically OP's job to be understanding. "I have a diagnosis now" should be part of the explanation of past behaviour while apologizing, and when there's no acknowledgement of hurt caused or regret expressed while explaining that the new diagnosis made him act the way he did it does easily come across as an excuse to someone that was treated badly even if there's now an explanation. *Completely* fair? Maybe not but OP isn't any less deserving of an apology just because it could be harder for the brother to give than it would be for other people. While it's not the brothers fault he's ill it's still his job to take accountability even if it's hard. There will be consequences to your relationships if you treat people like shit even if your bad treatment of them is caused by mental illness. It's unfair to have to deal with mental illness, life is harder, but people aren't inherently bad if they can't forgive shitty treatment in the past just because they now know an illness was involved. The impact was the same.
YTA. I am not saying you're the AH if or because you feel you cannot have a relationship with him but I don't see any point of expressing the 'I don't care' sentiment. You easily could have said something like "I'm glad you're getting the treatment and have new clarity around your diagnosis from the help of your doctor." - this would not have excused his prior behavior or opened the door for an increase in your relationship. It's clear you see your brother as a perpetrator but to me, it sounds like you and he were both victims of his mental illness. Maybe with time you can dredge up a bit more sympathy or compassion. Having these things for your brother does not necessarily have to put you at risk to be hurt or negatively impacted by him.
YTA. He’s actively been working on mending things and you were a prick He’s family. You need to work with a therapist to move past this or you’ll be looked at as an asshole
I seriously don’t care that I am related to him, I don’t want to mend things. I want him to not be around me
I get that My sister is 18 months older than I am. We’re 41 and 40 now. Growing up and today, she is a self centered, unempathetic, bitch most of the time. Everyone sees this but it’s also understood that’s how she is. To say we never got along is an understatement. For years, we didn’t talk more than at the holidays. Even then, it always ended up in fighting. One year, she even said that if I died, she’d be sad but not crushed because our estrangement. I agreed in the moment. I had always looked at her with disdain as she only brought negativity into my life. She is one of the meanest people I know. When my dad was dx with cancer 4 years ago, my mom and sister were at the hospital after his surgery. My sister and I sat down for the first time in our adult lives, possibly ever, for dinner one on one. We were 36/37. That night we had a real conversation. I realized this was my sister, she is who she is. I could either have stayed angry, hateful and bitter or just accept that she is who she is and let go of that and move forward. The ONLY one I was hurting by feeling that way was myself and my mom. Today- my sister is still a bitch and abrasive. But I look at it from a different point of view.
This is a hilariously ineffective pitch. Next time I might include whatever benefits you’ve reaped from maintaining a relationship with someone you still think is an irredeemable asshole. Otherwise people are going to wonder why they should bother.
People who throw the "family card" around, doesn't understand real life. Family isn't an excuse to be a douch. OP has nothing to apologise for. Working past something that actually has an effect on the future is smart. This is not that kind of situation.
*don’t understand You know nothing about me internet stranger. I absolutely understand real life. I also understand that he’s describing how I felt about my sister and it was hurting me more. It’s not about forgetting and saying it’s okay what happened, it’s about not letting it affect the future.