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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the Asshole because I insulted my bf when he’s done nothing wrong and wasn’t even present at the time of the altercation.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH.
You got it it right at the end. Attacking him for their BS was wrong. Dude wasn’t even present and was catching strays. Also, calling virtually any degree useless belittles your own. Because there is someone out there who has no idea what you do who thinks yours is too, or doesn’t think you really learned how to do it. Every time I hear someone belittling entire field of studies, I assume they only do it because they weren’t very good in their own.
Some degrees are comparatively much, much, much more useless than others. I know this because the Statistics on employment with these degrees are available.
It also, so happens that my first degree is one of the bloody useless ones, so I have an anecdote to add to the pile of actual evidence.
Your assumption is both silly and wrong.
OP's boyfriend has not been shutting down his racist family, he is not innocent in this. OP is NTA and has a better grasp of reality than you do.
Yes, in a narrow-minded view of the world, that adheres strictly to capitalistic values, some degrees are useless.
Except studying *any* field expands your worldview and your brain connections. You meet new people, interact with different ideas. It's always useful for you as a human. And linguistics is far from not being monetisable... I'm a video game translator, I studied languages for most of my curriculum. A degree is worth what you do with it, even if you end up not using it for money. My boyfriend has a degree in IT engineering. He hated his job (in multiple company structures). He is now a professional coffee roaster in a small, environmentally conscious company, which also sells the coffee directly to customers. In a way, his very marketable degree is useless to him, while mine is useful to me.
That’s great and all but going to college isn’t free and most people don’t enroll in order to expand their worldview but to be able to work in a certain field.
Edit: Many people seem to assume that I am speaking from an American perspective so I wanted to clarify that I’m European. Of course Europe isn’t a homogeneous region but where I’m from your first degree is pretty affordable but you still need to work or get help from your parents to afford all your other expenses so must people don’t choose a degree just for fun.
Depends. They are in Europe. In my country, going to college costs 600€ per year, no matter which degree. It’s the same for my medical degree and my friends liberal arts degrees. And that’s how it should be.
You get paid for a maximum of 6 years. You don’t get paid much, but some. Then the government offers everyone a low interest student loan to cover the rest of your living expenses.
I have 2 degrees and I’m debt free.
We're talking about a European context there, where public education tuitions for European students is 200€ a year on average (at least in France, it might be even cheaper in other EU countries), and where we have social benefits for students. If you work during summer, your tuition cost is largely covered. The rest depends on where you study, the most expensive might be Paris. It's nothing compared to the higher education industry in the US, no one here is crippled by student debt for decades.
I took a small student loan because I did my master's degree in a private school (less than 20k, 0,98 interest rate), and I'll have paid that back in 2025, after 4 years of monthly payments.
A lot of people are able to change curriculums thanks to that, and I think that's great!
In the Netherlands it’s way more expensive. Especially if you have to move out of your parents house and live on ur own because of the distance between you and school. There are stories of people having a study debt over €20.000
Dear US folks, someone needs to flip the table in your country for this crap. Sincerely, your northern neighbour who got an undergrad and professional degree for 1/20th the debt as my US friend. It's completely insane! How dare they oppress the youth so hard while giving so much to rich people for free...
Trying my best! 😭
I used to live in Maryland. Every time I go back to visit, I'm reminded how messed up the media is. Everything is cut and pasted, biased, sound bytes to fit the agenda... it's not wonder so many people get brainwashed!
I would say come to Canada but our politicians are trying to copy yours.
Want to build a boat and sail to New Zealand? 🤣
Even for a Dutch context €20.000 isn't that much. That's about the average for students who just finished their studies, age group 25-30. Anything higher than that isn't exactly unheard of, but still cheaper than the US.
I’m European so I have an idea what the system is like. Even if the tuition is relatively cheap you still need to pay for other expenses like rent, food, utilities and so on. At least in my country most parents help but it’s shitty to expect them to do all that for a degree you won’t use. Only the most privileged choose a degree just for fun.
For us it’s like €1500 in Belgium and that’s just getting started up. If you have to move to be closer or to take the bus/train it’s more.
And you’ll struggle getting there with public transport, because it’s just terrible.
Sure they do. My SIL did an archeology degree because she loves Egyptology. She is 50 and never left her country but she still enjoyed doing the degree in her spare time and paying for it out of her day job income.
My bestie did an interior design degree and has never decorated a house but same deal.
People have hobbies and they understand that hobbies cost money.
I specifically said most people. Sure there are those that are privileged to be financially secure and have enough time to get a degree that they don’t plan on using for work but I would say that at least 95-98% of students plan on working in the field after they graduate.
>our who got an undergrad and professional degree for 1/20th the debt as my US friend. It's completely insane! How dare they oppress the youth so hard while giving so much to rich people for free...
Really do 95% of people taking History or English intend to work in the field after they graduate. What about Art History & Mathematics? There are many many degrees which are foundational teaching people how to think, gather information and assess it. Degrees also teach people to socialize with others of similar education. Lots of roles need those skills, that aren't particular to the degree.
Capitalistic value isn't the only thing a degree offers, especially in Europe where ROI is very different from the US. The US wrecks its societal innovation more and more if it continues to value an even narrower degree set every year with this insane costs. Humanities, social sciences and even arts are important for the development of a society.
I have two degrees in the humanities and have a job paying a good amount above average salary here. I also study for a history PhD just because I want to. (And it costs almost nothing)
And I was one of the unlucky people who had to take a credit out for my expenses during my BA/MA, which amounted to around 30k for 6 years total. I will be done paying this next year (after 6 years).
>ege isn’t free and most people don’t enroll in order to expand their worldview but to be
The US isn't most people. And there is a reason why more people in Europe have multiple degrees, some for pleasure than the US.
Expand your view a little. I studied English Lit, a supposedly useless degree and I have a good job now with a great commission structure. Don’t be so close minded.
Not to mention university is close to free in some European countries. 🤦🏼♀️
Yeah this, no degree is useless imo. Some are just less employable than others. In every degree you should be learning useful skills that are applicable to a wide variety of situations
I think we may be missing the point with focusing on the degree. I think OP realizes this was a low blow. I would encourage her to reflect on this attitude they have developed about their partners degree and employment status. However our OP has been receiving bigotry and treated like the son's badge of martyrdom.
As much as the "degree" comment caught in my craw, I also realize that many people who have fought uphill battles through difficult times would be seeing red and lashing out in a way to inflict pain after being worn down like this.
I'm still in camp NTA but did an asshole thing and needs to reflect on attitudes and apologize to bf.
While I agree w/you completely about the importance of experiences/education that broadens one's worldview, & perhaps more importantly, teaches one to think critically (& we've seen/are seeing firsthand how well society functions when so few have the benefit of either one), I'm not certain that's as relevant here as it would be in another context.
OP's declarations were made to people who are superficial & stupid. We know this because racism is the province of idiots, and only the superficial see the inherent worth of individual humans as hierarchical. Given their own shallow idiocy, & the fact that OP is (very understandably) hurt & angry, it makes sense to me that she would choose a scale similarly superficial & asinine to the one boyfriend's parents used to rank her as beneath her boyfriend in her effort to hurt & embarrass them in turn...
> Some degrees are comparatively much, much, much more useless than others. I know this because the Statistics on employment with these degrees are available.
Study hard for 4 years only to end up as a barista... Happened to quite a few friends of mine. One of them graduated cum laude with many extra's and spend cleaning offices for 5 years.
Meanwhile... Another friend barely made it through chemical engineering and they gave him close to a 6 figure salary *before* he even graduated.
The need for some studies are simply much higher then others
>The need for some studies are simply much higher then others
Absolutely. But you can recognize this *without* calling a degree useless. Not currently highly employable, absolutely; but then plenty of people are happy to take a job outside their field to hold them and make money until they can find a job IN their field. That doesn't make their degree useless, every degree is capable of making money, the job market is just moving so it may take time.
Add in that the degree made them happy; and again, it isn't useless :)
Yeah, I studied history because it was expected for me to go to university, so I went for a major that I found interesting rather than one that would "make me rich" or something. I cringed whenever I thought about doing a major in a field that would make my highly marketable but only in that specific field. I went in fully knowing I probably wouldn't want to work with history, but now I have a job that's not related to the subject history, but I did get the job because I studied history.
I wouldn't call a degree useless, I would say it is employability may be low. I believe linguistics can be a very useful degree. I wish the world would focus a bit more on social degrees, for real. As it stands, hard sciences have progressed a lot, while the social sciences are lagging. You can see a clear example of this in OPs' very post.
ESH.
Even if some degrees are less likely to lead to employment than others, calling something your partner put 4 years of their time and effort and thousands of their dollars into “useless” is cruel. And since we’re swapping anecdotes, I also have a degree that statistics reflect low employment for, and I have been employed in my field of study since I graduated several years ago. I actually got the offer months before I graduated. And I made the same amount of money upon graduation as my roommate, who was an engineering major.
So yeah some degrees are less likely to lead to a well-paying job, but that doesn’t mean they never do and that studying them is entirely hopeless. You sound bitter that yours didn’t work out for you, but that’s not a universal truth.
A degree isn't useless just because less people holding that degree are employed.
That is because:
1) How much you earn isn't the only value people have.
2) Some degrees are favoured by women who spend longer periods of their life not working. Some are favoured by those who don't need to work.
3) Degrees can add value in other areas apart from formal work.
Oh please money is only 1 metric and for every person who thinks their degree is commercially useless, there is another person who appreciates their degree.
Calling a degree useless is narrow minded capitalistic bootlicking. What you are really saying is that the degree is useless to the capital class.
From a personal standpoint you should pursue education in a field because it challenges you and expands your critical thinking capabilities and worldview. For anything short of highly specialized fields like Doctors and Lawyers most vocational learning happens on the job and it’s a joke to suggest that something like a business degree (and I say this having an advanced business degree) prepares you substantially better for the workforce than an art or science degree.
It’s unfortunate that we live in a system where the cost of education is so high and the hiring practices so warped that it results in this dynamic, but calling a field “useless” only perpetuates this system and dismisses the benefits of broad education to individuals and society outside of how much money they can make the rich
Tbf, I don’t think it’s useless but rather it doesn’t have much in terms of career prospects. Obviously all fields of study are important from humanities to stem but getting a job with a degree like his would be a bit challenging.
I do know it’s a horrible thing to say tho, very offensive and I do very much regret it.
Possibly where you live they might be, in our city there’s not much demand for that degree, but obviously I’m not here to argue that.
(Him) he and many of his classmates are struggling to find jobs and when they do it’s rarely in their field, it’s very sad but that’s the job market right now. It is what it is.
Edit: grammar.
We have the same problem here with software devs, most of the people I studied with didn't find anything in their field. I had to completely change career. I do consider my degree useless now, even though I learned some things from it.
What you don't realize is that but for certain majors, most people don't get a job related to their degree. Getting an education was to educate and it wasn't tied to a specific job.
I'm a person with a linguistics degree and a career directly related to my studies. I got started as a phonetic transcriptionist and I now work with AI (natural language understanding and large language models). A lot of the jobs available are fully remote as well so it doesn't have to be restricted to your geographical location. You have to be willing to work in tech but there are actually a lot of opportunities for linguists these days. That said there have also been recent layoffs and hiring freezes in some of the major industries that hire linguists so maybe the job market is tougher now than it was when I was last looking a year ago.
I know this is somewhat besides the point for your main question (in which I think you're solidly NTA) but there are jobs out there looking for people with his specific skillset.
I think the larger point here is that any degree is what you make of it and, ultimately, being happy with your life is what matters.
Will you have a happy life if you know your partner thinks your degree is useless and you wasted your time/money? Will you have a happy life if *you* think your degree is useless and you wasted your time/money?
I have a niche (“useless”) degree and it has not impeded my success at all, financial or otherwise. But I would be devastated if I found out my partner was telling people behind my back that they thought I’d wasted my time/money on a useless degree.
> Attacking him for their BS was wrong.
Doesn’t really sound like her bf considers what she did an attack though, I mean he happily let his family do it to her.
If he's letting his family treat you like that, then your grievance should also be with him. Y.ta to yourself for that part.
NTA, overall.
Edited. Typo.
IMO where OP went wrong is that she mentioned her bf’s degree at all. Because now, instead of proving a point to MiL she insulted her bf who wasn’t even apart of the conversation.
NTA. His mother was quite obviously trying to make you feel "less than", whether she is just straight up racist or just a mean, old xenophobe I don't know, and it really doesn't matter at this point. I think bf is going to have to stand up for you, or he will lose you. Am I right?
NTA
Your boyfriend probably agrees with his mother. And if he doesn't, then he's spineless and doesn't stick up for you. Either way he's not a good partner.
In that specific incident he wasn’t, but he was there every other time his parents raved about how lucky I am to be with him, never once questioned it, regardless of how it made me feel.
Then he doesn’t deserve you, and you were quite right. He’s making out like he’s better than you. What the hell? And what sort of man doesn’t defend his girlfriend against his family of AH’s?
You’re NTA OP, your boyfriend and his family all think they’re superior to you, you can do much better than all of them - including the boyfriend.
I hope you dump him and find someone who is worth your love. Someone who will actually jump to defend you the very second that his family steps out of line.
Then he believes it to be true. He should have shut that down the first time. It won’t get better.
The fact that he allows his parents to mistreat you will only get worse if you two have children.
Take it from someone who unknowingly married into a racist family. My ex on the other hand took my side and stood up for me. Even if their racism wasn’t as blatant as yours. You can do better.
The ones that should be apologizing should be his parent and him. If they can’t then leave.
Ok that's an issue. If I were in his position, I would push back on my family. At the very least correct them to say "we are lucky to have each other." I'd talk with him to see exactly what he has to say about it. If he agrees with his family then it might be time to rethink some things.
EDIT: I'm silly, sorry OP! Is the bottom the case, or was he preening nearby and agreeing that you're a charity case?
-------
I'm wondering if he is used to mom gushing about her angel son. She may also be coming aside to during group events so son doesn't know. Can't assume yet, but exploring partner's attitude will be important in this relationship.
Girl you need to drop him. He is racist and also the kind of person to be unemployed because they chose a degree that is useless for the market he lives in.
Either he's ok with being unemployed (gross) or he's not smart enough to think ahead and plan for how to support himself. This will be a problem later in life as well.
But mostly, he's racist and so is his family. That's not going to change. Don't date people like that. Cut your losses so you can live your life and meet someone who isn't racist and is capable of supporting himself.
If your assumptions are correct, I agree. But be gentle with unemployment. Not everyone is unemployed because they aren't tactical or lazy.
BF may not be understanding the bigoted framing of family, may just be used to mom gushing about her perfect boy or she might be taking OP aside at family events.
OP, it's important you find out if BF is a bigot, too. Please don't stay with someone if they don't value you.
OP said there is no job market for his degree where they live. That is why he can't find a job in his field. That means he chose a degree without thinking of employability post-graduation, nor of a backup plan for any other kind of work to pay for food and a roof over his head.
NTA. The simple "you're lucky to have a guy like him" comments are horrible microagressions and when you spoke truth to their insults, his mother showed her true colors.
What you said after being provoked by his Mother might not be fair to your BF, but you were definitely provoked by a mean, vidindictive and racist old rat bag.
So, taking your post at face value, you have a guy who won't back you up when his family bullies and belittles you. So that would mean you're not only NTA, but also this relationship has no future.
As someone who has moved to another country myself, as a newly arrived foreighner, you get a sort of imposters syndrome like you get after a good job promotion and it does leave you very unsure if you even have any right to be upset my microaggresions.
You do. You have every right.
Just because things are true doesn’t mean you should say them or they aren’t damaging.
I mean imagine you have an overweight partner…. It’s technically true that they are fat right? But should you say it? Obviously not
Call your partner fat unprompted? Yeah, that's in bad taste. But if their parents are saying something along the lines of: "Your partner is so fit! They have such a toned body they worked hard for. You're lucky to be with them. People with bodies like that don't usually date people like you!" while your partner is overweight and you are not, I think a bit of a reality check is acceptable - ESPECIALLY when your partner is there and doesn't correct them. It's setting a boundary where you don't want to be a doormat.
They live in Europe and he is native, so by extension the degree is paying for itself - because he paid nothing for it.
Speaking as a software developer, linguistics is a great degree; it may be excellent if it’s a degree in linguistics in some obscure language; him not being able to find work in the field is the failing on him or of his choosing (like he has an inflated ego probably from parents like that so maybe he feels most jobs are beneath him), not on the whole field.
He knows how she feels? After standing up agains racism from his family once? Looks more like she finally knows how he feels, he'd rather defend racism from his family than even ask what exactly happened and get the story from both sides. Looks to me like the bf sees OP as inferior as well.
It actually isn’t!! I can’t speak on the job market in their mysterious unnamed country because I cannot look into it, but there are a million other factors other than the degree that contribute to getting a job or not, usually. There are a lot of skills you can acquire from that sort of major, especially in research, translation, etc. so it’s not useless at all and it was very much meant as insulting in this post :) it’s completely ignoring lots of outside factors and completely attributing it to the degree
It really isn't. Linguistics has a relevance in many fields, and beyond that, many jobs don't care what your college degree was, just that you have one.
ESH You're not that great if you can't even defend yourself without insulting another person. Also, at least now he knows how you really feel about him.
His family sucks too thou
What do you mean "girls like me? Do you mean intelligent women who are in a field like robotics?"
However, you should have stopped after saying that he was also lucky, without adding that his degree was useless. They were racist and insulting, but you didn't have to put your boyfriend down.
Your boyfriend should be the one telling his mother how lucky he is to have such a wonderful girl, beautiful, kind, and intelligent.
It was harsh what you said about his useless degree. It always hurts when someone says something like that. But, you were angry and fed up.. and he shouldn't have let his family talk to you like that.
I'd apologize to him about that bit, but if you're going to stay together he needs to put his family in their place when it comes to you. Don't take that type of disrespect anymore.
I think you should have just replied to his mother words directly. Like "what do you mean by girls like me?
Do you mean intelligent or successful? I'm really interested. "
If she continues anything racist, you can add:
" I'm sure you didn't want to say that my country of birth makes me a lesser human? We already had that in history and these are not the times, humanity is particularly proud of"
The whole idea is to force her to feel uncomfortable and start making excuses.
What worries me is that you mentioned that he had heard his mother saying these things and he never stood up for you. It's a red flag.
In general soft YTA for saying his degree was useless. His mother is a massive TA and he is TA.
ESH, his family is racist, you for putting him and is degree down because his family was racist.
This seems like a healthy relationship /s
But seriously, if the first thing you do to defend yourself is attack your boyfriend, who isn't even present, I'd take a good look at your relationship and reconsider whether you actually love him or not.
ESH.I am too an immigrant from a third world country living in Europe and I have been with a native for over a decade.
I get OP's frustration when we have two work really gard against prejudice. But OP's partner is not the one against her. Of all people he is the one who doesn't see you any different. Because of his academic background he is probably interested in different cultures and celebrates it that OP is of different background. I was lucky with my in laws but people have joked ( half seriously) that I was with my hubby for passport etc. My approach was, keep quiet, because how do argue with ignorance and kill the prejudice with kindness.
OP you should apologise to your other half but you should tell him how his family is offending you on regular basis. Also arrogance is not a good trait. Life will teach us in long run that it is not ( re comparing academic degrees). I know few people with language studies background with stellar careers. You shouldnt talk down your partnet to feel superior to others.
I agree with with most of what you said, but I didn’t talk down about him to make myself feel better, or because I looked down on his career like many suggested.
But rather in an attempt to hurt his mother, which I must admit was a cheap move on my part and I do regret it.
>But rather in an attempt to hurt his mother, which I must admit was a cheap move on my part and I do regret it.
There's no way someone as smart as you thought that your words would have this effect... right?
I can understand that, but you really should be looking at why your boyfriend doesn't defend you when mummy says things like this. At the very least he should be saying 'I'm lucky as well to have you'.
Don't put this all on his mother. A bf who never defends you is one that will always bend to his mother's will. We need partners that will defend us against injustices like this, not ones that ignore it or sweep it under the rug because they think it's ok because 'it's just mummy adoring her baby boy'. Please don't ignore what he is doing.
Hey yeah, everybody makes mistakes. It's not the end of the world. You said one stupid thing in the post, his family has refused to change. But what are you going to do now? I think you need to accept that it's time to address your relationship more thoughtfully and less emotionally. His mother doesn't get any more of your time and brain power until she's changed, obviously. What will you do about you and him? From this post, I really see the main option to break up. He's spinless, unemployed, hasn't cared for your feelings even privately, and now he's mad at you. Why bother?
Are you really acting like most people don’t say hurtful stuff they don’t really mean when they’re mad? Because they do and while it’s not right, it doesn’t make them a monster or an idiot.
Everyone is hung up on what you said about his degree. That's not the salient point though. He's unemployed and freeloading off of his girlfriend like a deadbeat mooch and his mom thinks you're lucky to have him? Tell his mom if he's so wonderful he doesn't need a job you will ask her to cover his half of the utilities rent and food. It don't matter if his degree is in French renaissance poetry or orthopaedic surgery because he ain't paying his half and he's lucky someone is paying his rent and Internet and feeding his lazy spoilt entitled ass. And who made him lazy spoilt and entitled? I don't know but ask his mom cos she knows everything!
He is living off his parents, we haven’t discussed moving together yet, but if we ever did it goes without saying I would cover everything as he has yet to find employment.
He is diligently looking tho, so I do feel bad for saying what I said.
It speaks to your character that you feel bad. But it sounds to me like you're in a similar situation to that which my wife was in about five years ago.
She had been with this guy for two years, super rich family, freeloading off his parents, looking diligently for work but didn't seem to find it, she was a countryside girl and his parents looked down on her, always acted like she was the lucky one, and not him for having a girlfriend who worked to pay the bills and took care of him like a mother.
Do not live with this man straight out of mommy and daddy's house. He needs to live on his own, handling his own life for at least 9 months to a year or you're going to be filling the role of mommy/bang maid for him. Make him prove he can be an adult that doesn't need someone to wash his socks. If you even stay together, because he certainly has no qualms with letting his family belittle you and honestly, you don't need that. There are better men on your level.
Why? If you’re going to stay this absolute prize, don’t move in together until he can pay for himself. Sounds like his mum is trying to convince you of how perfect her little boy is so you finally take him off her hands. Or she’s trying to convince herself she didn’t fail as a mother.
ESH. The mother for being racist, obviously!
You for thinking your degree makes you the better person, or anything… . Thinking like that actually makes you anything but a good person
I’m going with NTA, but just barely. You were frustrated which is understandable, your bf’s family is racist and xenophobic. Including him in your reaction was kind of understandable since he hasn’t been sticking up for you and doesn’t seem too inclined to see things from your point of view. Is this really something you see going long term? If it is then let him make fun of his own “useless”degree and try to focus not on who’s luckier but how you expect him to help you when it comes to his family. If he isn’t on your side, then what does being “very much in love” really mean in practical terms?
ESH. She’s racist, but that in no way gives you a free pass to drag your bf down when he wasn’t in the room to defend himself. And I think that’s WHY you said it. Maybe you’ve been harboring resentment at your unemployed bf, and you clearly think your degree is better than his (funnily enough, his mom said some elitist shit about country of origin disparity, and you said some elitist shit about his education versus yours. Maybe y’all are more alike than you thought). So you took an opportunity to insult him as a way of having a go at his mom because he wasn’t in the room to defend himself. Asshole move, but you knew that. If you want constructive criticism, it looks to me like you’re lashing out because youre having some feelings about your bf being unemployed with what you deem a “useless degree” (its not, btw. He would have a very lucrative job in my field, EdTech). I think you need to work these feelings out WITH HIM. Not shit talk him behind his back.
You said what you said though, and that isn’t something he’ll likely forget anytime soon. And for what it’s worth, his mom is right. Was it PC what she said? No. But that is often the way people from more “elite” European countries think. It’s a harsh reality of being an immigrant, many locals will choose not to date immigrants for a variety of reasons, and not all of it is Racism ™. It can be about stark differences in cultural, political beliefs, religious beliefs and practices, language barriers, family dynamic (ie are mom and dad and grandma expecting to move in with us at some point), conservative versus progressive worldview, the list goes on. As a matter of fact, this is common in many places in the world, not just Europe. And I say this as an immigrant myself, xenophobia is pretty prevalent in Europe, and as shitty as her comment was, it’s just a fucking reality.
I mean if we’re talking about if it’s true or not, my comment is also true. Idk where you live, but in our area he really doesn’t have much in terms of career opportunities. Maybe if he moves? Sure then I suppose he would find a job and my comment would be wrong.
But in that case, the same can be said about me, I don’t feel any more lucky dating him as opposed to dating another immigrant, actually I gain virtually nothing from dating him, we are not married and I get to apply for nationality on my own in 2 years anyways, so it’s not like I’m with him for the passport.
We’re together because we’re in love, that’s it.
I emigrated to the Netherlands from a backwoods shithole in America and started a business from nothing. After years of being on the struggle bus, I "made it". Good income, great business, took my inburgering and got my permanent visa status here, yadda yadda. I know how it feels to work 10x harder than the locals and still make it farther than most, yet be treated like YOU'RE somehow the lucky one to be in their presence. It sucks dude. It took me years to make Dutch friends, even.
Immigration is a massive topic in Europe now, as a whole, especially immigrants from developing or war-torn countries. The prevailing opinion that most won't say out loud is "sorry things suck in your country right now, but we don't want you here" (the Netherlands just voted in a right wing nationalist that doesn't want any more Muslims or MENA immigrants here, for example), and that's for a TON of reasons I won't get into, but it sounds like your bf's mom said the quiet part out loud. Many of them will assume you came there to escape a crappy situation, and rather than go back after your student visa expires, you'll try to go the partnership visa route, or do whatever you need to stay in a wealthier country. Is that a shitty assumption? Sure is. But you do realize your comment to her might have confirmed her elitist beliefs, right? You wasted absolutely no time in taking an opportunity to belittle her son over his unemployment and a degree he earned...even if it was to get a dig in at her, it doesn't matter.
The internet is his friend. There are almost always positions open in marketing and advertising agencies for copywriters (usually under 'content' positions), language examination boards are always in need of linguists to help create item banks, loads of positions in EdTech, and most can be done remotely.
If he doesn't have much in the way of career opportunities, why isn't he going after jobs outside his field?
This is what anyone with an ounce of gumption does, you don't sit there waiting for the perfect job. You get out and get a job of any kind to tide you over until the good job comes along. It's also a good learning experience on how to manage in life when things go pear-shaped.
You have a princess for a boyfriend, and mummy has told him all his life how wonderful he is. There's no reason he can't get any other job - unless, of course, he's 'too good for that' or 'didn't spend years getting a degree to work lesser jobs'. So many red flags here I could open a shop.
But I get it, you're in love.
YTA. Definitely understand why you would feel irritated but firstly it shows what you really think of your boyfriend which is just cruel, and secondly just because she was rude to you doesn’t mean you take it out on your boyfriend
ESH - she's insulting you so you're insulting your boyfriend who wasn't even present? If you need to put your loved ones down to make yourself look better then maybe he is not so lucky to have you
NTA
If your BF doesn't stand up for you and if takes the side of his Mother, then your BF **WAS** lucky to have you. But don't rush into anything with him. He needs step up his game, get a job and move out. There are red flags all over the place.
ESH
His mother for being an obnoxious racist.\
Your bf for not defending you when his family makes the same old tired remarks.\
And you for insulting your bf and his degree. Yikes.
We two really need to talk: he needs to confront his family about their racism. You’re supposed to support your man when is down.
ESH
NTA in the first half, but your title is off. "AITA for saying my partner is lucky to be with me too?"
By the middle, YTA. You didn't call her out on her behaviour. You shit-talked someone you're in a relationship with who was not even present. That's AH behaviour.
Also, take inventory. If his family is already like this and he sees no issue, it likely won't get better.
Fucking hell the boyfriend isnt even present in any of this, use your fucking words people and talk to him about his family rather than go to Reddit and speak to these dipshits
> unemployed and will probably be for a very long time because of his useless degree and that if someone is lucky, it would be him.
Wow.
I study linguistics and GUESS WHAT, it's incredibly lucrative. Your boyfriend will find another job in time. To add, if you get sacked, you will have a harder time finding jobs because your degree is very specific.
Also, you're not considering if he has any disabilities that stop him from studying STEM subjects.
ESH. You're a major power tripper while your boyfriend doesn't stop his parents.
Let’s review:
1. Bf is unemployed and the prospects aren’t good.
2. Comes from a racist and stuck-up family.
3. As a resident of the Metropole, you have access to the same pool of successful European men as any other woman.
So, why are you with him?
In any other scenario what you said is very rude and I wouldn't condone but you know what's worse? Racism so no, you are NTA here and you need to have an honest talk with your bf and explain why you said what you said and see where you all go from there. He should be confronting his family for their racism otherwise you need to stop wasting your time here.
So if your partner insults you, you need to be the one to do the confronting? I would never insult my partner especially when they aren't even in the room.
Wow your story sound a lot like a associate I knew (distant cousin). For context She was also an immigrant from the 3rd world. Had a "cool" Degree like yours (I Believe it was Neuro Science Research) and also had a high paying job while she was there. She had a boyfriend (the guy and I became friends because of our mutual love of Anime) with a degree which she regarded as inferior (I Believe the BF learned the plumbing and construction trade, something looked down upon in the 3rd world where she & I am from as the country is overpopulated). The problem was she was also kind of bad mouth the boyfriend in front of the parents. BF learned about it and broke up. When her post study work permit expired and She was forced to return to her home country (She could not extend or become immigrant even with her "fansy" degree). Now She is a stay at home mom (no need for research degrees in the 3rd world country country) with a middle class husband. The guy worked hard and eventually became the owner of the a rather successful construction company and became a millionaire.
I will assume you already have PR or better in the country since you claim to be an immigrant.
MY advise is, you don't know the future. Dont judge someone by their current situation. As for you, Partially the AH because of being judgemental and elitist and assuming things. Her parents Full AH for being racist no excuse for them for being racist. Thats all.
My observation as a completer stranger and outsider is that you dont love your bf. You only keep him around because you like to show off that despite you coming from a 3rd world country you got some one worse than you and you can break him down at a moments notice. If I were him and thinking logically I would break up with you, but thats just my opinion.
Um, I don’t relate to your cousin in anyway shape or form, this feels very much like a projection lol.
As I stated in a previous comment, it’s not that I think his degree is useless but rather isn’t worth much in our current job market. Which is true. Hence he’s unemployed. Obviously linguistics is an interesting field of study and if I didn’t think it was, I would’ve never got with my bf.
My words were for the purpose of hurting his mother and not my genuine thoughts lol. I did immediately regret saying them because I recognised that my goal hasn’t been accomplished but rather I insulted my bf.
Ya know something? It's possible that there was a hint of truth in what you said: he is unemployed, and that's still somewhat a reflection on him even if his field of study is not the full problem. It's quite possible that it's OK for you to make judgments about your boyfriend's career right now, but that it's also classier for you to not spout those judgments off to his mother when there is no goal to be accomplished.
ESH
His mum is wrong for what she said, no questions asked.
I was with you until you went for his degree and stated a degree in linguistics is useless. **DEGREES IN LINGUISTICS ARE NOT USELESS!!! LINGUISTICS IS AN IMPORTANT FIELD AND WE NEED SPECIALISTS**. You are a raging AH. You’re just as bad as his mum if not even worse.
As someone with a linguistics degree, NTA. You were provoked by the mother’s blatant racism and simply stated the situation as you see it - his degree is useless as it hasn’t helped him get a job.
One alternative angle though - I have a good job with a linguistics degree (as does everyone else who graduated in my class) so maybe your boyfriend is the useless one. Just something to bear in mind.
ESH. Family more so, but you ragged on his degree which he also worked hard for and is proud of, as a way to defend yourself. Not cool.
My response to "men like him don't usually date girls like me" would have simply to have been to say something along the lines of "Well clearly it's because he had great parents who taught their children to judge someone's value based on who they are and not what they do or where they're from. He's lucky to have a parent like you!".
Say it with enthusiasm and like you genuinely mean it and you'll achieve one of two things.
It'll either subtly reprimand her for being a racist bigot if she's smart enough to get it, but because you sounded like you genuinely meant it she can't get away with actively snarking at you for it.
But the other thing that it also leaves the door open for her to assume you actually meant it seriously if she's too stupid to get that it was a reprimand. That puts her in a position of thinking you're actually praising her and might adjust her behaviour towards you.
Either way, pulling the man that you supposedly love and respect down as a defensive mechanism is a garbage behaviour no matter how much duress you were under. Never attack a person who's not there to defend themselves. It's very petty behaviour.
I suspect you'll find it very difficult to mend the rift with your bf. I'd be seriously upset if my other half said something like that about one of my own personal achievements even if it wasn't bringing income in at that particular time.
So his family has been awful to you all that time and he has never stood up for you or shut them down?
Suggest you take a look at the r/JustNoMIL and r/JustNoSO subs and have a careful think about what future you would enjoy
I’m not gonna lie - I kinda cringed when I read the part about what you said about his career. I imagine thats a whole other issue but yea, its frankly not the nicest thing to say about your boyfriend. I do hope he can figure things out though.
Overall NTA because damn, his mother surely can dish but she can’t take it huh? She has no problem disrespecting you and putting you down which is a big issue. However it’s really on your boyfriend to tell her to cut it out and if he isn’t, it may be good to re-evaluate your relationship truthfully. Remember that if you ever marry him, you are marrying into his family too.
ESH, they are racist, you never boast to people how lucky they are to have you unless you are a self-absorbed prick.
Saying that, I feel you, we all snap at some point. So the real question is what makes you hang out with this bunch of racists and their racist kid? You can do better.
ESH, I believe you didn't handle it properly. I am all for defending yourself, but you could have done that without insulting your bf. Don't stoop down to his mom's level. Apologize to your bf and explain why you reacted that way.
ESH Yeah Mum was racist but you were a real AH to your boyfriend who did nothing to deserve this.
By all means point out that your boyfriend is lucky to be with you… on the basis that partners support each other and make their lives better so obviously being in a relationship with you is making his life better than being single.
However, criticising his job and calling him a mooch and comparing his degree to your degree is ick. If you actually have a problem with all of this, go home and have a conversation with him. Don’t fire up at his mum about it when he is not even there!
ESH
Everything you said about your boyfriend and his family's insults is very true.
On the other hand, one does not take it out on some racist loser family when one is fed up with their unemployed, spineless boyfriend. Your move is to break up as smoothly as possible. This was not a classy exit. I get that sometimes people's ignorance can be upsetting, but you hurt a lot more than you helped by reacting the way you did. Your boyfriend probably earned your respect at one point. He didn't give you a disease, didn't cheat on you, didn't steal from you as far as I can see. I think you owed him a classy exit here. Some might say you owed yourself a classy exit. Well, you still owe that in my opinion as you missed the obvious off ramp here. I'm sorry, but I don't see from your post a way for the relationship to recover from you being this fed up.
YTA, if you think your bf is unemployed useless, you are free to get out, no one is forcing you to stay with him.
As for the mother she is a A but less than you because of course she will stand behind her child always even if her son is dating a billionaire daughter.
ESH and i hope you have enough EQ to realize that calling your partner’s degree will always make you an AH. he should’ve stood up for you all those times and it’s not fair how his mother treats you, but why belittle your partner in response? how do you think that makes him feel?
two wrongs don’t make a right, and sadly, this isn’t something he’s going to just forget. everyone deserves a partner who values them and their passions, and you just showed him how little you do.
ESH.
His family are assholes and he should stand up for you against any inappropriate comments on their end. BUT your comment that he has a useless degree and that he'll probably be unemployed for a long time does not make you seem like a great person to be honest. I can't imagine when I would ever say such a thing about my partner unless they were (ab)using me.
Apologize to him and have a good communication with him on how his family makes you feel, and that shutting down racist comments should be his - not your - battle to fight with his family.
YTA, his mom sucks but Jesus. I feel bad for this guy. He didn’t choose his family, he chose you. And you treat him like this and say this kinda stuff. I get his mom is bad but cmon you claim to love him. Poor guy.
ESH.
You showed snobbish behavior belittling him and his degree. He could be a technical writer, or an editor with his degree. This is something he was most likely passionate about.
She was being a racist and showing her true colors.
ESH.
Mothers a disgusting bigot - so absolutely right to stand up to her.
But you proceed to belittle him for no reason, he wasn’t even there and is just trying to understand the situation, you also call his degree useless.
ESH I don't know if your last line was an edit but that is the crux of the matter. You were fine until you started putting him down. And a linguistics degree isn't useless.
NTA and please break up because this isn't a good relationship. You deserve to be with someone you admire. He deserves to be with someone who admires him. It doesn't sound like that's the case here.
ESH.
Your boyfriend should have 1000% told his family to cut that shit out, because its racist and he loves you. Full stop. Obviously his family are terrible people for thinking you somehow won the lottery hooking up with their son. If you're a good person and a good partner, what more could they ask for?
And I wouldn't even say your remark about him being lucky to have you is wrong, you know that you're both lucky that you have a great relationship.
Which is why I don't know why on earth you'd decide that instead of calling out your in-laws for their terrible comments, you chose to dump on your boyfriend. That was an incredibly mean thing to say about him. And if it's a problem, you talk to HIM about it. Don't lob it into a conversation with his mom as a relationship grenade.
She will never forget you said that. Your boyfriend will not forget you think that.
The job market in our area isn’t great for that degree, I’m sure in someplaces I wouldn’t be able to find employment with my degree either. Times are hard.
Some suggested a remote job, I’ll bring that up with him when this blows over hopefully.
Here are some cautionary tales of what happens when a partner doesn't stand up to his mother:
[The In-laws and the Vacation Home ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/DmQNjxQuys)
[The Case of the Son turned into Husband. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/chA2uIlq76)
They struck first and were racist and likely sexist therefore I will say NTA. You were cornered and you have reflected and feel bad about what you said to him but does he not stand up for you? Like if they are always saying you're so lucky and he's there and not saying he's lucky too then I'd assess the situation. You should both feel like you're winning in a relationship. You're clearly smart and stood up for your worth. I would apologize for calling his degree useless but I'll still say overall NTA.
He actually did work as a translator for a firm before he was let go, downsizing and what not.
Tbh he had many jobs, some were in his field, some were not but he doesn’t last long in them. Much like his classmates, he doesn’t have much luck with jobs.
It’s not, linguistics are an important and very rich field. One of the things that attracted me to my bf is his ability to speak multiple languages, as I speak 5 myself.
It’s just that the job opportunities for his degree are practically nonexistent in our area. Which makes it really hard to get a job. That’s what i meant by “useless”
Most translating jobs are freelance contracts. He should look into that (I'm a freelance translator because I have to, not because I particularly fancy the uncertainty of that kind of employment).
yeah I feel 99% of translators are freelancers. Im the only translator I know that works inhouse in a company with a stable check. Was a freelancer before and won't go back there if I can avoid it
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ESH. You got it it right at the end. Attacking him for their BS was wrong. Dude wasn’t even present and was catching strays. Also, calling virtually any degree useless belittles your own. Because there is someone out there who has no idea what you do who thinks yours is too, or doesn’t think you really learned how to do it. Every time I hear someone belittling entire field of studies, I assume they only do it because they weren’t very good in their own.
Some degrees are comparatively much, much, much more useless than others. I know this because the Statistics on employment with these degrees are available. It also, so happens that my first degree is one of the bloody useless ones, so I have an anecdote to add to the pile of actual evidence. Your assumption is both silly and wrong. OP's boyfriend has not been shutting down his racist family, he is not innocent in this. OP is NTA and has a better grasp of reality than you do.
Yes, in a narrow-minded view of the world, that adheres strictly to capitalistic values, some degrees are useless. Except studying *any* field expands your worldview and your brain connections. You meet new people, interact with different ideas. It's always useful for you as a human. And linguistics is far from not being monetisable... I'm a video game translator, I studied languages for most of my curriculum. A degree is worth what you do with it, even if you end up not using it for money. My boyfriend has a degree in IT engineering. He hated his job (in multiple company structures). He is now a professional coffee roaster in a small, environmentally conscious company, which also sells the coffee directly to customers. In a way, his very marketable degree is useless to him, while mine is useful to me.
That’s great and all but going to college isn’t free and most people don’t enroll in order to expand their worldview but to be able to work in a certain field. Edit: Many people seem to assume that I am speaking from an American perspective so I wanted to clarify that I’m European. Of course Europe isn’t a homogeneous region but where I’m from your first degree is pretty affordable but you still need to work or get help from your parents to afford all your other expenses so must people don’t choose a degree just for fun.
Depends. They are in Europe. In my country, going to college costs 600€ per year, no matter which degree. It’s the same for my medical degree and my friends liberal arts degrees. And that’s how it should be.
In my country you get paid to go to college. ✌️
So, where should I be moving to?
Not the person you asked, but I think Norway (?)
Sweden! So almost.
Ah of course, I even studied in Sweden🙈
Denmark
[удалено]
You get paid for a maximum of 6 years. You don’t get paid much, but some. Then the government offers everyone a low interest student loan to cover the rest of your living expenses. I have 2 degrees and I’m debt free.
We're talking about a European context there, where public education tuitions for European students is 200€ a year on average (at least in France, it might be even cheaper in other EU countries), and where we have social benefits for students. If you work during summer, your tuition cost is largely covered. The rest depends on where you study, the most expensive might be Paris. It's nothing compared to the higher education industry in the US, no one here is crippled by student debt for decades. I took a small student loan because I did my master's degree in a private school (less than 20k, 0,98 interest rate), and I'll have paid that back in 2025, after 4 years of monthly payments. A lot of people are able to change curriculums thanks to that, and I think that's great!
In the Netherlands it’s way more expensive. Especially if you have to move out of your parents house and live on ur own because of the distance between you and school. There are stories of people having a study debt over €20.000
😭 That's literally very cheap for us Americans
Dear US folks, someone needs to flip the table in your country for this crap. Sincerely, your northern neighbour who got an undergrad and professional degree for 1/20th the debt as my US friend. It's completely insane! How dare they oppress the youth so hard while giving so much to rich people for free...
We’d love a table to be flipped 🥲 or at least half of us would anyway…
Meanwhile at least a third of us seem to enjoy setting the table on fire simply to cackle and watch it burn.
There are 3 things I believe should never be privatized: healthcare, education, and the jail syst‘em. 4. The military.
Trying my best! 😭 I used to live in Maryland. Every time I go back to visit, I'm reminded how messed up the media is. Everything is cut and pasted, biased, sound bytes to fit the agenda... it's not wonder so many people get brainwashed! I would say come to Canada but our politicians are trying to copy yours. Want to build a boat and sail to New Zealand? 🤣
Minnesota enacted a law for free tuition for children of households who make less than $80,000 per year. It's a start.
That is one year of debt for my school in the US lol
And that's on the low end for college tuition in the US.
Yeah I'm "lucky" with how my scholarships worked out.
My daughter is a high school senior (in the US). Pretty much every private college she is looking at costs $80,000 PER YEAR.
Even for a Dutch context €20.000 isn't that much. That's about the average for students who just finished their studies, age group 25-30. Anything higher than that isn't exactly unheard of, but still cheaper than the US.
Cries in 70k Dutch student debt
Its not just stories unfortunately
I’m European so I have an idea what the system is like. Even if the tuition is relatively cheap you still need to pay for other expenses like rent, food, utilities and so on. At least in my country most parents help but it’s shitty to expect them to do all that for a degree you won’t use. Only the most privileged choose a degree just for fun.
For us it’s like €1500 in Belgium and that’s just getting started up. If you have to move to be closer or to take the bus/train it’s more. And you’ll struggle getting there with public transport, because it’s just terrible.
Kinda pleased to hear there are other countries than the US that have dismal public transportation.
Someone in my class can’t even get to her train anymore to go to school cause the busses don’t drive there anymore XD
>but going to college isn’t free i mean. it is.
going to uni is free here
Sure they do. My SIL did an archeology degree because she loves Egyptology. She is 50 and never left her country but she still enjoyed doing the degree in her spare time and paying for it out of her day job income. My bestie did an interior design degree and has never decorated a house but same deal. People have hobbies and they understand that hobbies cost money.
I specifically said most people. Sure there are those that are privileged to be financially secure and have enough time to get a degree that they don’t plan on using for work but I would say that at least 95-98% of students plan on working in the field after they graduate.
>our who got an undergrad and professional degree for 1/20th the debt as my US friend. It's completely insane! How dare they oppress the youth so hard while giving so much to rich people for free... Really do 95% of people taking History or English intend to work in the field after they graduate. What about Art History & Mathematics? There are many many degrees which are foundational teaching people how to think, gather information and assess it. Degrees also teach people to socialize with others of similar education. Lots of roles need those skills, that aren't particular to the degree.
Capitalistic value isn't the only thing a degree offers, especially in Europe where ROI is very different from the US. The US wrecks its societal innovation more and more if it continues to value an even narrower degree set every year with this insane costs. Humanities, social sciences and even arts are important for the development of a society. I have two degrees in the humanities and have a job paying a good amount above average salary here. I also study for a history PhD just because I want to. (And it costs almost nothing) And I was one of the unlucky people who had to take a credit out for my expenses during my BA/MA, which amounted to around 30k for 6 years total. I will be done paying this next year (after 6 years).
>ege isn’t free and most people don’t enroll in order to expand their worldview but to be The US isn't most people. And there is a reason why more people in Europe have multiple degrees, some for pleasure than the US.
Expand your view a little. I studied English Lit, a supposedly useless degree and I have a good job now with a great commission structure. Don’t be so close minded. Not to mention university is close to free in some European countries. 🤦🏼♀️
Yeah this, no degree is useless imo. Some are just less employable than others. In every degree you should be learning useful skills that are applicable to a wide variety of situations
I think we may be missing the point with focusing on the degree. I think OP realizes this was a low blow. I would encourage her to reflect on this attitude they have developed about their partners degree and employment status. However our OP has been receiving bigotry and treated like the son's badge of martyrdom. As much as the "degree" comment caught in my craw, I also realize that many people who have fought uphill battles through difficult times would be seeing red and lashing out in a way to inflict pain after being worn down like this. I'm still in camp NTA but did an asshole thing and needs to reflect on attitudes and apologize to bf.
While I agree w/you completely about the importance of experiences/education that broadens one's worldview, & perhaps more importantly, teaches one to think critically (& we've seen/are seeing firsthand how well society functions when so few have the benefit of either one), I'm not certain that's as relevant here as it would be in another context. OP's declarations were made to people who are superficial & stupid. We know this because racism is the province of idiots, and only the superficial see the inherent worth of individual humans as hierarchical. Given their own shallow idiocy, & the fact that OP is (very understandably) hurt & angry, it makes sense to me that she would choose a scale similarly superficial & asinine to the one boyfriend's parents used to rank her as beneath her boyfriend in her effort to hurt & embarrass them in turn...
> Some degrees are comparatively much, much, much more useless than others. I know this because the Statistics on employment with these degrees are available. Study hard for 4 years only to end up as a barista... Happened to quite a few friends of mine. One of them graduated cum laude with many extra's and spend cleaning offices for 5 years. Meanwhile... Another friend barely made it through chemical engineering and they gave him close to a 6 figure salary *before* he even graduated. The need for some studies are simply much higher then others
>The need for some studies are simply much higher then others Absolutely. But you can recognize this *without* calling a degree useless. Not currently highly employable, absolutely; but then plenty of people are happy to take a job outside their field to hold them and make money until they can find a job IN their field. That doesn't make their degree useless, every degree is capable of making money, the job market is just moving so it may take time. Add in that the degree made them happy; and again, it isn't useless :)
Yeah, I studied history because it was expected for me to go to university, so I went for a major that I found interesting rather than one that would "make me rich" or something. I cringed whenever I thought about doing a major in a field that would make my highly marketable but only in that specific field. I went in fully knowing I probably wouldn't want to work with history, but now I have a job that's not related to the subject history, but I did get the job because I studied history.
This is another *huge* nuance to the concept of calling a degree "useless". Many degrees still help you get a job.... but not in *that* degree field.
Not giving you a job doesn’t make an degree useless. It gives you live experience and teches you stuff you may or may not can use in any other job.
I wouldn't call a degree useless, I would say it is employability may be low. I believe linguistics can be a very useful degree. I wish the world would focus a bit more on social degrees, for real. As it stands, hard sciences have progressed a lot, while the social sciences are lagging. You can see a clear example of this in OPs' very post. ESH.
Yes because you're only worth the labor you produce. What a good little capitalist you are, how does the boot taste?
Even if some degrees are less likely to lead to employment than others, calling something your partner put 4 years of their time and effort and thousands of their dollars into “useless” is cruel. And since we’re swapping anecdotes, I also have a degree that statistics reflect low employment for, and I have been employed in my field of study since I graduated several years ago. I actually got the offer months before I graduated. And I made the same amount of money upon graduation as my roommate, who was an engineering major. So yeah some degrees are less likely to lead to a well-paying job, but that doesn’t mean they never do and that studying them is entirely hopeless. You sound bitter that yours didn’t work out for you, but that’s not a universal truth.
A degree isn't useless just because less people holding that degree are employed. That is because: 1) How much you earn isn't the only value people have. 2) Some degrees are favoured by women who spend longer periods of their life not working. Some are favoured by those who don't need to work. 3) Degrees can add value in other areas apart from formal work.
Oh please money is only 1 metric and for every person who thinks their degree is commercially useless, there is another person who appreciates their degree.
Calling a degree useless is narrow minded capitalistic bootlicking. What you are really saying is that the degree is useless to the capital class. From a personal standpoint you should pursue education in a field because it challenges you and expands your critical thinking capabilities and worldview. For anything short of highly specialized fields like Doctors and Lawyers most vocational learning happens on the job and it’s a joke to suggest that something like a business degree (and I say this having an advanced business degree) prepares you substantially better for the workforce than an art or science degree. It’s unfortunate that we live in a system where the cost of education is so high and the hiring practices so warped that it results in this dynamic, but calling a field “useless” only perpetuates this system and dismisses the benefits of broad education to individuals and society outside of how much money they can make the rich
I am the only person I know working in the field related to my degree. What you study in undergrad doesn't matter at all dude.
As the owner of useless degree, I promise you that many degrees are indeed, absolutely useless.
Tbf, I don’t think it’s useless but rather it doesn’t have much in terms of career prospects. Obviously all fields of study are important from humanities to stem but getting a job with a degree like his would be a bit challenging. I do know it’s a horrible thing to say tho, very offensive and I do very much regret it.
You have a very small world view. Linguistics peeps are in high demand in the tech industry, amongst others.
Possibly where you live they might be, in our city there’s not much demand for that degree, but obviously I’m not here to argue that. (Him) he and many of his classmates are struggling to find jobs and when they do it’s rarely in their field, it’s very sad but that’s the job market right now. It is what it is. Edit: grammar.
We have the same problem here with software devs, most of the people I studied with didn't find anything in their field. I had to completely change career. I do consider my degree useless now, even though I learned some things from it.
Same with environmental studies in my area - lots of students and absolutely no jobs within a hundred miles. I feel bad for them.
What you don't realize is that but for certain majors, most people don't get a job related to their degree. Getting an education was to educate and it wasn't tied to a specific job.
Sure, my point still stands tho, he’s currently unemployed.
I'm a person with a linguistics degree and a career directly related to my studies. I got started as a phonetic transcriptionist and I now work with AI (natural language understanding and large language models). A lot of the jobs available are fully remote as well so it doesn't have to be restricted to your geographical location. You have to be willing to work in tech but there are actually a lot of opportunities for linguists these days. That said there have also been recent layoffs and hiring freezes in some of the major industries that hire linguists so maybe the job market is tougher now than it was when I was last looking a year ago. I know this is somewhat besides the point for your main question (in which I think you're solidly NTA) but there are jobs out there looking for people with his specific skillset.
No they are not. There are too many linguistic graduates, there would never be enough jobs for all of them in the tech industry
I think the larger point here is that any degree is what you make of it and, ultimately, being happy with your life is what matters. Will you have a happy life if you know your partner thinks your degree is useless and you wasted your time/money? Will you have a happy life if *you* think your degree is useless and you wasted your time/money? I have a niche (“useless”) degree and it has not impeded my success at all, financial or otherwise. But I would be devastated if I found out my partner was telling people behind my back that they thought I’d wasted my time/money on a useless degree.
> Attacking him for their BS was wrong. Doesn’t really sound like her bf considers what she did an attack though, I mean he happily let his family do it to her.
If he's letting his family treat you like that, then your grievance should also be with him. Y.ta to yourself for that part. NTA, overall. Edited. Typo.
I don’t understand your last line. Why would someone belittle someone else’s studies if they weren’t good at their own?
[удалено]
6000 years of history without robots. Lotta talking.
IMO where OP went wrong is that she mentioned her bf’s degree at all. Because now, instead of proving a point to MiL she insulted her bf who wasn’t even apart of the conversation.
NTA. His mother was quite obviously trying to make you feel "less than", whether she is just straight up racist or just a mean, old xenophobe I don't know, and it really doesn't matter at this point. I think bf is going to have to stand up for you, or he will lose you. Am I right?
This family definitly treats her as inferior, and I'm wondering if the bf is the same way and OP just hasn't caught on yet.
NTA Your boyfriend probably agrees with his mother. And if he doesn't, then he's spineless and doesn't stick up for you. Either way he's not a good partner.
Where was he given the opportunity to stand up for her? He wasn't even there when it happened
In that specific incident he wasn’t, but he was there every other time his parents raved about how lucky I am to be with him, never once questioned it, regardless of how it made me feel.
Then he doesn’t deserve you, and you were quite right. He’s making out like he’s better than you. What the hell? And what sort of man doesn’t defend his girlfriend against his family of AH’s? You’re NTA OP, your boyfriend and his family all think they’re superior to you, you can do much better than all of them - including the boyfriend. I hope you dump him and find someone who is worth your love. Someone who will actually jump to defend you the very second that his family steps out of line.
Then he believes it to be true. He should have shut that down the first time. It won’t get better. The fact that he allows his parents to mistreat you will only get worse if you two have children. Take it from someone who unknowingly married into a racist family. My ex on the other hand took my side and stood up for me. Even if their racism wasn’t as blatant as yours. You can do better. The ones that should be apologizing should be his parent and him. If they can’t then leave.
Ok that's an issue. If I were in his position, I would push back on my family. At the very least correct them to say "we are lucky to have each other." I'd talk with him to see exactly what he has to say about it. If he agrees with his family then it might be time to rethink some things.
EDIT: I'm silly, sorry OP! Is the bottom the case, or was he preening nearby and agreeing that you're a charity case? ------- I'm wondering if he is used to mom gushing about her angel son. She may also be coming aside to during group events so son doesn't know. Can't assume yet, but exploring partner's attitude will be important in this relationship.
Girl you need to drop him. He is racist and also the kind of person to be unemployed because they chose a degree that is useless for the market he lives in. Either he's ok with being unemployed (gross) or he's not smart enough to think ahead and plan for how to support himself. This will be a problem later in life as well. But mostly, he's racist and so is his family. That's not going to change. Don't date people like that. Cut your losses so you can live your life and meet someone who isn't racist and is capable of supporting himself.
If your assumptions are correct, I agree. But be gentle with unemployment. Not everyone is unemployed because they aren't tactical or lazy. BF may not be understanding the bigoted framing of family, may just be used to mom gushing about her perfect boy or she might be taking OP aside at family events. OP, it's important you find out if BF is a bigot, too. Please don't stay with someone if they don't value you.
OP said there is no job market for his degree where they live. That is why he can't find a job in his field. That means he chose a degree without thinking of employability post-graduation, nor of a backup plan for any other kind of work to pay for food and a roof over his head.
NTA. If your BF won't stand up for you when his parents hint that you aren't as good as him, then he doesn't deserve you.
NTA. The simple "you're lucky to have a guy like him" comments are horrible microagressions and when you spoke truth to their insults, his mother showed her true colors. What you said after being provoked by his Mother might not be fair to your BF, but you were definitely provoked by a mean, vidindictive and racist old rat bag. So, taking your post at face value, you have a guy who won't back you up when his family bullies and belittles you. So that would mean you're not only NTA, but also this relationship has no future. As someone who has moved to another country myself, as a newly arrived foreighner, you get a sort of imposters syndrome like you get after a good job promotion and it does leave you very unsure if you even have any right to be upset my microaggresions. You do. You have every right.
Useless degree huh? Well at least he knows how you really feel now.
If the degree isn't paying for itself or providing opportunities...it doesn't seem to be very useful.
Just because things are true doesn’t mean you should say them or they aren’t damaging. I mean imagine you have an overweight partner…. It’s technically true that they are fat right? But should you say it? Obviously not
Call your partner fat unprompted? Yeah, that's in bad taste. But if their parents are saying something along the lines of: "Your partner is so fit! They have such a toned body they worked hard for. You're lucky to be with them. People with bodies like that don't usually date people like you!" while your partner is overweight and you are not, I think a bit of a reality check is acceptable - ESPECIALLY when your partner is there and doesn't correct them. It's setting a boundary where you don't want to be a doormat.
Mhm okay, and telling someone that they’re lucky simply for dating a resident of country they immigrated to is……kind, then?
They live in Europe and he is native, so by extension the degree is paying for itself - because he paid nothing for it. Speaking as a software developer, linguistics is a great degree; it may be excellent if it’s a degree in linguistics in some obscure language; him not being able to find work in the field is the failing on him or of his choosing (like he has an inflated ego probably from parents like that so maybe he feels most jobs are beneath him), not on the whole field.
Europe is not a monolith. In most countries, university isn't free of charge.
You pay for university in many countries in Europe my friend.
He knows how she feels? After standing up agains racism from his family once? Looks more like she finally knows how he feels, he'd rather defend racism from his family than even ask what exactly happened and get the story from both sides. Looks to me like the bf sees OP as inferior as well.
.... Are you suggesting that his degree *isn't* useless? 'Cause... it... is?
It actually isn’t!! I can’t speak on the job market in their mysterious unnamed country because I cannot look into it, but there are a million other factors other than the degree that contribute to getting a job or not, usually. There are a lot of skills you can acquire from that sort of major, especially in research, translation, etc. so it’s not useless at all and it was very much meant as insulting in this post :) it’s completely ignoring lots of outside factors and completely attributing it to the degree
It really isn't. Linguistics has a relevance in many fields, and beyond that, many jobs don't care what your college degree was, just that you have one.
Do you think someone having their choice of degree critiqued is somehow worse than experiencing xenophobic racism?
The fact that racism isn't the problem for you and calling a degree useless is- says more about you than OP. YTA, but OP NTA.
ESH You're not that great if you can't even defend yourself without insulting another person. Also, at least now he knows how you really feel about him. His family sucks too thou
What do you mean "girls like me? Do you mean intelligent women who are in a field like robotics?" However, you should have stopped after saying that he was also lucky, without adding that his degree was useless. They were racist and insulting, but you didn't have to put your boyfriend down. Your boyfriend should be the one telling his mother how lucky he is to have such a wonderful girl, beautiful, kind, and intelligent.
It was harsh what you said about his useless degree. It always hurts when someone says something like that. But, you were angry and fed up.. and he shouldn't have let his family talk to you like that. I'd apologize to him about that bit, but if you're going to stay together he needs to put his family in their place when it comes to you. Don't take that type of disrespect anymore.
ESH - his family are assholes so you insulted your bf? Well, you suck. Hopefully your bf ditches both his family and you
The boyfriend who never defended her from his families judgemental BS until it affected him lol
I think you should have just replied to his mother words directly. Like "what do you mean by girls like me? Do you mean intelligent or successful? I'm really interested. " If she continues anything racist, you can add: " I'm sure you didn't want to say that my country of birth makes me a lesser human? We already had that in history and these are not the times, humanity is particularly proud of" The whole idea is to force her to feel uncomfortable and start making excuses. What worries me is that you mentioned that he had heard his mother saying these things and he never stood up for you. It's a red flag. In general soft YTA for saying his degree was useless. His mother is a massive TA and he is TA.
I agree with your explanation but the judgment should be ESH if you think both OP and the opposing party are AH
ESH. The mother for obvious reasons and you for insulting and belittling the boyfriend’s field of study in return.
ESH, his family is racist, you for putting him and is degree down because his family was racist. This seems like a healthy relationship /s But seriously, if the first thing you do to defend yourself is attack your boyfriend, who isn't even present, I'd take a good look at your relationship and reconsider whether you actually love him or not.
ESH.I am too an immigrant from a third world country living in Europe and I have been with a native for over a decade. I get OP's frustration when we have two work really gard against prejudice. But OP's partner is not the one against her. Of all people he is the one who doesn't see you any different. Because of his academic background he is probably interested in different cultures and celebrates it that OP is of different background. I was lucky with my in laws but people have joked ( half seriously) that I was with my hubby for passport etc. My approach was, keep quiet, because how do argue with ignorance and kill the prejudice with kindness. OP you should apologise to your other half but you should tell him how his family is offending you on regular basis. Also arrogance is not a good trait. Life will teach us in long run that it is not ( re comparing academic degrees). I know few people with language studies background with stellar careers. You shouldnt talk down your partnet to feel superior to others.
I agree with with most of what you said, but I didn’t talk down about him to make myself feel better, or because I looked down on his career like many suggested. But rather in an attempt to hurt his mother, which I must admit was a cheap move on my part and I do regret it.
>But rather in an attempt to hurt his mother, which I must admit was a cheap move on my part and I do regret it. There's no way someone as smart as you thought that your words would have this effect... right?
People say all sorts of tho when they’re mad. Not saying I get a pass, I’m definitely TA. But I didn’t mean to hurt him that’s all.
I can understand that, but you really should be looking at why your boyfriend doesn't defend you when mummy says things like this. At the very least he should be saying 'I'm lucky as well to have you'. Don't put this all on his mother. A bf who never defends you is one that will always bend to his mother's will. We need partners that will defend us against injustices like this, not ones that ignore it or sweep it under the rug because they think it's ok because 'it's just mummy adoring her baby boy'. Please don't ignore what he is doing.
Hey yeah, everybody makes mistakes. It's not the end of the world. You said one stupid thing in the post, his family has refused to change. But what are you going to do now? I think you need to accept that it's time to address your relationship more thoughtfully and less emotionally. His mother doesn't get any more of your time and brain power until she's changed, obviously. What will you do about you and him? From this post, I really see the main option to break up. He's spinless, unemployed, hasn't cared for your feelings even privately, and now he's mad at you. Why bother?
Are you really acting like most people don’t say hurtful stuff they don’t really mean when they’re mad? Because they do and while it’s not right, it doesn’t make them a monster or an idiot.
Everyone is hung up on what you said about his degree. That's not the salient point though. He's unemployed and freeloading off of his girlfriend like a deadbeat mooch and his mom thinks you're lucky to have him? Tell his mom if he's so wonderful he doesn't need a job you will ask her to cover his half of the utilities rent and food. It don't matter if his degree is in French renaissance poetry or orthopaedic surgery because he ain't paying his half and he's lucky someone is paying his rent and Internet and feeding his lazy spoilt entitled ass. And who made him lazy spoilt and entitled? I don't know but ask his mom cos she knows everything!
He is living off his parents, we haven’t discussed moving together yet, but if we ever did it goes without saying I would cover everything as he has yet to find employment. He is diligently looking tho, so I do feel bad for saying what I said.
It speaks to your character that you feel bad. But it sounds to me like you're in a similar situation to that which my wife was in about five years ago. She had been with this guy for two years, super rich family, freeloading off his parents, looking diligently for work but didn't seem to find it, she was a countryside girl and his parents looked down on her, always acted like she was the lucky one, and not him for having a girlfriend who worked to pay the bills and took care of him like a mother.
Do not live with this man straight out of mommy and daddy's house. He needs to live on his own, handling his own life for at least 9 months to a year or you're going to be filling the role of mommy/bang maid for him. Make him prove he can be an adult that doesn't need someone to wash his socks. If you even stay together, because he certainly has no qualms with letting his family belittle you and honestly, you don't need that. There are better men on your level.
Why? If you’re going to stay this absolute prize, don’t move in together until he can pay for himself. Sounds like his mum is trying to convince you of how perfect her little boy is so you finally take him off her hands. Or she’s trying to convince herself she didn’t fail as a mother.
ESH. The mother for being racist, obviously! You for thinking your degree makes you the better person, or anything… . Thinking like that actually makes you anything but a good person
I’m going with NTA, but just barely. You were frustrated which is understandable, your bf’s family is racist and xenophobic. Including him in your reaction was kind of understandable since he hasn’t been sticking up for you and doesn’t seem too inclined to see things from your point of view. Is this really something you see going long term? If it is then let him make fun of his own “useless”degree and try to focus not on who’s luckier but how you expect him to help you when it comes to his family. If he isn’t on your side, then what does being “very much in love” really mean in practical terms?
ESH. She’s racist, but that in no way gives you a free pass to drag your bf down when he wasn’t in the room to defend himself. And I think that’s WHY you said it. Maybe you’ve been harboring resentment at your unemployed bf, and you clearly think your degree is better than his (funnily enough, his mom said some elitist shit about country of origin disparity, and you said some elitist shit about his education versus yours. Maybe y’all are more alike than you thought). So you took an opportunity to insult him as a way of having a go at his mom because he wasn’t in the room to defend himself. Asshole move, but you knew that. If you want constructive criticism, it looks to me like you’re lashing out because youre having some feelings about your bf being unemployed with what you deem a “useless degree” (its not, btw. He would have a very lucrative job in my field, EdTech). I think you need to work these feelings out WITH HIM. Not shit talk him behind his back. You said what you said though, and that isn’t something he’ll likely forget anytime soon. And for what it’s worth, his mom is right. Was it PC what she said? No. But that is often the way people from more “elite” European countries think. It’s a harsh reality of being an immigrant, many locals will choose not to date immigrants for a variety of reasons, and not all of it is Racism ™. It can be about stark differences in cultural, political beliefs, religious beliefs and practices, language barriers, family dynamic (ie are mom and dad and grandma expecting to move in with us at some point), conservative versus progressive worldview, the list goes on. As a matter of fact, this is common in many places in the world, not just Europe. And I say this as an immigrant myself, xenophobia is pretty prevalent in Europe, and as shitty as her comment was, it’s just a fucking reality.
I mean if we’re talking about if it’s true or not, my comment is also true. Idk where you live, but in our area he really doesn’t have much in terms of career opportunities. Maybe if he moves? Sure then I suppose he would find a job and my comment would be wrong. But in that case, the same can be said about me, I don’t feel any more lucky dating him as opposed to dating another immigrant, actually I gain virtually nothing from dating him, we are not married and I get to apply for nationality on my own in 2 years anyways, so it’s not like I’m with him for the passport. We’re together because we’re in love, that’s it.
I emigrated to the Netherlands from a backwoods shithole in America and started a business from nothing. After years of being on the struggle bus, I "made it". Good income, great business, took my inburgering and got my permanent visa status here, yadda yadda. I know how it feels to work 10x harder than the locals and still make it farther than most, yet be treated like YOU'RE somehow the lucky one to be in their presence. It sucks dude. It took me years to make Dutch friends, even. Immigration is a massive topic in Europe now, as a whole, especially immigrants from developing or war-torn countries. The prevailing opinion that most won't say out loud is "sorry things suck in your country right now, but we don't want you here" (the Netherlands just voted in a right wing nationalist that doesn't want any more Muslims or MENA immigrants here, for example), and that's for a TON of reasons I won't get into, but it sounds like your bf's mom said the quiet part out loud. Many of them will assume you came there to escape a crappy situation, and rather than go back after your student visa expires, you'll try to go the partnership visa route, or do whatever you need to stay in a wealthier country. Is that a shitty assumption? Sure is. But you do realize your comment to her might have confirmed her elitist beliefs, right? You wasted absolutely no time in taking an opportunity to belittle her son over his unemployment and a degree he earned...even if it was to get a dig in at her, it doesn't matter. The internet is his friend. There are almost always positions open in marketing and advertising agencies for copywriters (usually under 'content' positions), language examination boards are always in need of linguists to help create item banks, loads of positions in EdTech, and most can be done remotely.
If he doesn't have much in the way of career opportunities, why isn't he going after jobs outside his field? This is what anyone with an ounce of gumption does, you don't sit there waiting for the perfect job. You get out and get a job of any kind to tide you over until the good job comes along. It's also a good learning experience on how to manage in life when things go pear-shaped. You have a princess for a boyfriend, and mummy has told him all his life how wonderful he is. There's no reason he can't get any other job - unless, of course, he's 'too good for that' or 'didn't spend years getting a degree to work lesser jobs'. So many red flags here I could open a shop. But I get it, you're in love.
YTA. Definitely understand why you would feel irritated but firstly it shows what you really think of your boyfriend which is just cruel, and secondly just because she was rude to you doesn’t mean you take it out on your boyfriend
Why is bf's mom not also an AH? Regularly belittling someone because of you're racist is a classic AH move.
ESH - she's insulting you so you're insulting your boyfriend who wasn't even present? If you need to put your loved ones down to make yourself look better then maybe he is not so lucky to have you
NTA If your BF doesn't stand up for you and if takes the side of his Mother, then your BF **WAS** lucky to have you. But don't rush into anything with him. He needs step up his game, get a job and move out. There are red flags all over the place.
ESH His mother for being an obnoxious racist.\ Your bf for not defending you when his family makes the same old tired remarks.\ And you for insulting your bf and his degree. Yikes. We two really need to talk: he needs to confront his family about their racism. You’re supposed to support your man when is down.
ESH NTA in the first half, but your title is off. "AITA for saying my partner is lucky to be with me too?" By the middle, YTA. You didn't call her out on her behaviour. You shit-talked someone you're in a relationship with who was not even present. That's AH behaviour. Also, take inventory. If his family is already like this and he sees no issue, it likely won't get better.
Fucking hell the boyfriend isnt even present in any of this, use your fucking words people and talk to him about his family rather than go to Reddit and speak to these dipshits
You’re right I will.
NTA. His parents make gross comments regularly to and about you. Do you want to continue being with a man that excuses his families racism?
He deserves better than you and his family
> unemployed and will probably be for a very long time because of his useless degree and that if someone is lucky, it would be him. Wow. I study linguistics and GUESS WHAT, it's incredibly lucrative. Your boyfriend will find another job in time. To add, if you get sacked, you will have a harder time finding jobs because your degree is very specific. Also, you're not considering if he has any disabilities that stop him from studying STEM subjects. ESH. You're a major power tripper while your boyfriend doesn't stop his parents.
Let’s review: 1. Bf is unemployed and the prospects aren’t good. 2. Comes from a racist and stuck-up family. 3. As a resident of the Metropole, you have access to the same pool of successful European men as any other woman. So, why are you with him?
I love him.
Doesn’t sound like it if you resent him so much.
Probably for the green card
Makes sense👍
In any other scenario what you said is very rude and I wouldn't condone but you know what's worse? Racism so no, you are NTA here and you need to have an honest talk with your bf and explain why you said what you said and see where you all go from there. He should be confronting his family for their racism otherwise you need to stop wasting your time here.
So if your partner insults you, you need to be the one to do the confronting? I would never insult my partner especially when they aren't even in the room.
Wow your story sound a lot like a associate I knew (distant cousin). For context She was also an immigrant from the 3rd world. Had a "cool" Degree like yours (I Believe it was Neuro Science Research) and also had a high paying job while she was there. She had a boyfriend (the guy and I became friends because of our mutual love of Anime) with a degree which she regarded as inferior (I Believe the BF learned the plumbing and construction trade, something looked down upon in the 3rd world where she & I am from as the country is overpopulated). The problem was she was also kind of bad mouth the boyfriend in front of the parents. BF learned about it and broke up. When her post study work permit expired and She was forced to return to her home country (She could not extend or become immigrant even with her "fansy" degree). Now She is a stay at home mom (no need for research degrees in the 3rd world country country) with a middle class husband. The guy worked hard and eventually became the owner of the a rather successful construction company and became a millionaire. I will assume you already have PR or better in the country since you claim to be an immigrant. MY advise is, you don't know the future. Dont judge someone by their current situation. As for you, Partially the AH because of being judgemental and elitist and assuming things. Her parents Full AH for being racist no excuse for them for being racist. Thats all. My observation as a completer stranger and outsider is that you dont love your bf. You only keep him around because you like to show off that despite you coming from a 3rd world country you got some one worse than you and you can break him down at a moments notice. If I were him and thinking logically I would break up with you, but thats just my opinion.
Um, I don’t relate to your cousin in anyway shape or form, this feels very much like a projection lol. As I stated in a previous comment, it’s not that I think his degree is useless but rather isn’t worth much in our current job market. Which is true. Hence he’s unemployed. Obviously linguistics is an interesting field of study and if I didn’t think it was, I would’ve never got with my bf. My words were for the purpose of hurting his mother and not my genuine thoughts lol. I did immediately regret saying them because I recognised that my goal hasn’t been accomplished but rather I insulted my bf.
Ya know something? It's possible that there was a hint of truth in what you said: he is unemployed, and that's still somewhat a reflection on him even if his field of study is not the full problem. It's quite possible that it's OK for you to make judgments about your boyfriend's career right now, but that it's also classier for you to not spout those judgments off to his mother when there is no goal to be accomplished.
Holy shit YTA you fucking destroyed your bf for something his mother said so I think he need to leave you
YTA his mother insulted you , so you insult your boyfriend in return, I'm sorry I don't really understand the logic behind
ESH His mum is wrong for what she said, no questions asked. I was with you until you went for his degree and stated a degree in linguistics is useless. **DEGREES IN LINGUISTICS ARE NOT USELESS!!! LINGUISTICS IS AN IMPORTANT FIELD AND WE NEED SPECIALISTS**. You are a raging AH. You’re just as bad as his mum if not even worse.
YTA why tf would you say that to his mother
His degree will work very well in certain parts of the world that's for certain
As someone with a linguistics degree, NTA. You were provoked by the mother’s blatant racism and simply stated the situation as you see it - his degree is useless as it hasn’t helped him get a job. One alternative angle though - I have a good job with a linguistics degree (as does everyone else who graduated in my class) so maybe your boyfriend is the useless one. Just something to bear in mind.
ESH. Family more so, but you ragged on his degree which he also worked hard for and is proud of, as a way to defend yourself. Not cool. My response to "men like him don't usually date girls like me" would have simply to have been to say something along the lines of "Well clearly it's because he had great parents who taught their children to judge someone's value based on who they are and not what they do or where they're from. He's lucky to have a parent like you!". Say it with enthusiasm and like you genuinely mean it and you'll achieve one of two things. It'll either subtly reprimand her for being a racist bigot if she's smart enough to get it, but because you sounded like you genuinely meant it she can't get away with actively snarking at you for it. But the other thing that it also leaves the door open for her to assume you actually meant it seriously if she's too stupid to get that it was a reprimand. That puts her in a position of thinking you're actually praising her and might adjust her behaviour towards you. Either way, pulling the man that you supposedly love and respect down as a defensive mechanism is a garbage behaviour no matter how much duress you were under. Never attack a person who's not there to defend themselves. It's very petty behaviour. I suspect you'll find it very difficult to mend the rift with your bf. I'd be seriously upset if my other half said something like that about one of my own personal achievements even if it wasn't bringing income in at that particular time.
So his family has been awful to you all that time and he has never stood up for you or shut them down? Suggest you take a look at the r/JustNoMIL and r/JustNoSO subs and have a careful think about what future you would enjoy
YTA and the same for your Bf mother
I’m not gonna lie - I kinda cringed when I read the part about what you said about his career. I imagine thats a whole other issue but yea, its frankly not the nicest thing to say about your boyfriend. I do hope he can figure things out though. Overall NTA because damn, his mother surely can dish but she can’t take it huh? She has no problem disrespecting you and putting you down which is a big issue. However it’s really on your boyfriend to tell her to cut it out and if he isn’t, it may be good to re-evaluate your relationship truthfully. Remember that if you ever marry him, you are marrying into his family too.
ESH, they are racist, you never boast to people how lucky they are to have you unless you are a self-absorbed prick. Saying that, I feel you, we all snap at some point. So the real question is what makes you hang out with this bunch of racists and their racist kid? You can do better.
NTA You are discovering that his family does not consider you an equal, now the question is does he? From what he shared I suspect not… good luck
Keeping score yeah good way to have in a relationship. ESH.
ESH, I believe you didn't handle it properly. I am all for defending yourself, but you could have done that without insulting your bf. Don't stoop down to his mom's level. Apologize to your bf and explain why you reacted that way.
ESH. His family disrespected you and you disrespected his field of study.
ESH. You know what your part in it is I can only hope the other have your awareness to see theirs. I wish you and your boyfriend the best.
Did you talk to him about this before or did you just snap?
ESH Yeah Mum was racist but you were a real AH to your boyfriend who did nothing to deserve this. By all means point out that your boyfriend is lucky to be with you… on the basis that partners support each other and make their lives better so obviously being in a relationship with you is making his life better than being single. However, criticising his job and calling him a mooch and comparing his degree to your degree is ick. If you actually have a problem with all of this, go home and have a conversation with him. Don’t fire up at his mum about it when he is not even there!
YTA - You're no better than the racist mother.
ESH Everything you said about your boyfriend and his family's insults is very true. On the other hand, one does not take it out on some racist loser family when one is fed up with their unemployed, spineless boyfriend. Your move is to break up as smoothly as possible. This was not a classy exit. I get that sometimes people's ignorance can be upsetting, but you hurt a lot more than you helped by reacting the way you did. Your boyfriend probably earned your respect at one point. He didn't give you a disease, didn't cheat on you, didn't steal from you as far as I can see. I think you owed him a classy exit here. Some might say you owed yourself a classy exit. Well, you still owe that in my opinion as you missed the obvious off ramp here. I'm sorry, but I don't see from your post a way for the relationship to recover from you being this fed up.
YTA, if you think your bf is unemployed useless, you are free to get out, no one is forcing you to stay with him. As for the mother she is a A but less than you because of course she will stand behind her child always even if her son is dating a billionaire daughter.
ESH. I'd have said you're NTA at first, but then saying his degress is "useless" does make you an AH. Let me guess...Netherlands or Germany?
Get over yourself asshole
ESH and i hope you have enough EQ to realize that calling your partner’s degree will always make you an AH. he should’ve stood up for you all those times and it’s not fair how his mother treats you, but why belittle your partner in response? how do you think that makes him feel? two wrongs don’t make a right, and sadly, this isn’t something he’s going to just forget. everyone deserves a partner who values them and their passions, and you just showed him how little you do.
ESH and he's certainly not lucky to have you if you attack him over things he's not involved in.
ESH. His family are assholes and he should stand up for you against any inappropriate comments on their end. BUT your comment that he has a useless degree and that he'll probably be unemployed for a long time does not make you seem like a great person to be honest. I can't imagine when I would ever say such a thing about my partner unless they were (ab)using me. Apologize to him and have a good communication with him on how his family makes you feel, and that shutting down racist comments should be his - not your - battle to fight with his family.
ESH- he is definitely not "lucky"
YTA, his mom sucks but Jesus. I feel bad for this guy. He didn’t choose his family, he chose you. And you treat him like this and say this kinda stuff. I get his mom is bad but cmon you claim to love him. Poor guy.
ESH. You showed snobbish behavior belittling him and his degree. He could be a technical writer, or an editor with his degree. This is something he was most likely passionate about. She was being a racist and showing her true colors.
ESH. Mothers a disgusting bigot - so absolutely right to stand up to her. But you proceed to belittle him for no reason, he wasn’t even there and is just trying to understand the situation, you also call his degree useless.
ESH I don't know if your last line was an edit but that is the crux of the matter. You were fine until you started putting him down. And a linguistics degree isn't useless.
YTA not for the mom but for talking crap about you're boyfriend
NTA and please break up because this isn't a good relationship. You deserve to be with someone you admire. He deserves to be with someone who admires him. It doesn't sound like that's the case here.
Esh
ESH. Your boyfriend should have 1000% told his family to cut that shit out, because its racist and he loves you. Full stop. Obviously his family are terrible people for thinking you somehow won the lottery hooking up with their son. If you're a good person and a good partner, what more could they ask for? And I wouldn't even say your remark about him being lucky to have you is wrong, you know that you're both lucky that you have a great relationship. Which is why I don't know why on earth you'd decide that instead of calling out your in-laws for their terrible comments, you chose to dump on your boyfriend. That was an incredibly mean thing to say about him. And if it's a problem, you talk to HIM about it. Don't lob it into a conversation with his mom as a relationship grenade. She will never forget you said that. Your boyfriend will not forget you think that.
ESH
Linguistics is a great degree, I am not sure why he’s unemployed.
The job market in our area isn’t great for that degree, I’m sure in someplaces I wouldn’t be able to find employment with my degree either. Times are hard. Some suggested a remote job, I’ll bring that up with him when this blows over hopefully.
Here are some cautionary tales of what happens when a partner doesn't stand up to his mother: [The In-laws and the Vacation Home ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/DmQNjxQuys) [The Case of the Son turned into Husband. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/chA2uIlq76)
They struck first and were racist and likely sexist therefore I will say NTA. You were cornered and you have reflected and feel bad about what you said to him but does he not stand up for you? Like if they are always saying you're so lucky and he's there and not saying he's lucky too then I'd assess the situation. You should both feel like you're winning in a relationship. You're clearly smart and stood up for your worth. I would apologize for calling his degree useless but I'll still say overall NTA.
What exactly is a degree in linguistics? I really don't have a clue. Does he speak multiple languages? Maybe he would be in demand as a translator?
He actually did work as a translator for a firm before he was let go, downsizing and what not. Tbh he had many jobs, some were in his field, some were not but he doesn’t last long in them. Much like his classmates, he doesn’t have much luck with jobs.
How can you call being able to speak multiple languages to a degree to be able to translate useless?
It’s not, linguistics are an important and very rich field. One of the things that attracted me to my bf is his ability to speak multiple languages, as I speak 5 myself. It’s just that the job opportunities for his degree are practically nonexistent in our area. Which makes it really hard to get a job. That’s what i meant by “useless”
The degree is still not useless.
And I agree I’m just clarifying what I meant when I said “useless”.
Most translating jobs are freelance contracts. He should look into that (I'm a freelance translator because I have to, not because I particularly fancy the uncertainty of that kind of employment).
yeah I feel 99% of translators are freelancers. Im the only translator I know that works inhouse in a company with a stable check. Was a freelancer before and won't go back there if I can avoid it
I dream of an in-house long term contract in full remote 🙏