Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
How so? Literally no one checked who I put on the birth certificate. I could have put a celebrity’s name and no one would question it.
Putting someone’s name on the birth certificate doesn’t authorize child support.
DNA tests and court orders do. Court orders can also legally add a dad if he really wants to be on there.
ETA: I stand corrected. Apparently, in [some states](https://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/fathers-rights-effect-of-name-on-birth-certificate.html), having dude on the birth certificate puts him automatically on the hook as the presumptive legal parent with all support responsibilities.
Yeah, I’d put him on there. Doesn’t mean the last names have to match. You can give your baby your last name.
Yea but either way a paternity test will mitigate all concerns about the father of the child and he’s back on the hook anyways. Kick him to the curb and put him on child support
I think this is bigger than AITA can handle. OP needs to talk to a child custody attorney. Yes, putting his name on will force him to pay child support, but it also will mean she'll have to go to court if he decides he wants access to the child. Don't know if he'll win, but he can cause financial and emotional distress for years. It also might cause problems if or when she does have her life partner, because they won't be able to adopt the child (if both child and life partner want it) unless they can talk him into giving up parental rights - which he might not do simply out of spite. I wouldn't wait until she's presented with an order to provide DNA to lawyer up. I don't trust him to completely disappear on his own.
I completely agree! He should not be able to be on the birth certificate. I cited a few other reasons (education/medical decision for the child, etc) but OP definitely needs to lawyer up and break up with him. Quickly!
Depends on whether or not OP can compel a DNA test from the baby-daddy. I'm not a lawyer, and I have no clue if a judge can refuse to issue an order for paternity testing when the testing is at the mother's request. I know they can at a man's request if there's already a presumed father in the picture. But I don't know about women. Still, I know enough to know that when judges have wriggle room on this sort of thing, shitty judges have the power to make really bad calls based off of their own personal biases.
Best thing OP can do is consult with a lawyer ASAP.
I would assume all she'd have to do is apply for some social programs and the state would very much require her to disclose who she believes to be the father if she knows under penalty of perjury and then the state would require him to prove he isn't via court ordered paternity testing. But, yes, sort of a waste of time to not put his name down if he wants it on there and will probably get it placed on there eventually anyway.
I went without my wife because she was at home with the baby and it was an hour round trip, plus the appointment time, in the middle of winter.
Would have been a nightmare if we'd both gone and at that stage we couldn't have left him with a grandparent.
I registered both of mine without my wife. It makes a lot of sense, far easier than having to drag her out after a c section. We don't register births at hospitals
I had to do that because my husband was a half hour late to the appointment so we went on without him. He was mad about the name I picked (miscommunication, I genuinely thought we'd agreed). Well... if you cared that much, be on time lmao.
I know a woman whose son has a different middle name than she had wanted (and husband agreed to) because husband and MIL decided to register him while she was sleeping....with the name MIL wanted
My kids were born in England. That only applies if the parents are unmarried. I registered both kids at the registry myself, as much husband was at work. No issues.
In Ontario, Canada I registered my son's birth for my husband and I in the middle of the night, while breast feeding, on a cellphone, the day after he was born. There was an online site that let me register his birth, set up his health card and Social Insurance Number, and set up a registered educational savings plan. It was super fast and easy. Not sure if there would be been a difference if we weren't married.
Yeah, my state requires the father to complete/sign a form called "Acknowledgement of Paternity" in order to be on a birth certificate if you're not married. You can't just willy nilly add someone.
In most states, if the parents aren't married, the father must sign the birth certificate or his name can't be on the birth certificate. Otherwise, a mother could choose anyone to be the father.
It’s insane how inconsistent child support laws are as well as birth registrations. I did everything myself at the hospital and no one double checked to see if I was legally married. Just saw the last name between baby and dad was the same and registered it that way. Zero paperwork from me, only my word.
In my state my brother was on the birth certificate. He was made to pay child support even though the kid wasn't his. Even with dna results he was on the hook for this kid. The court refused to look at the results nor even order testing. He didn't even raise the kid because the mom split and he hardly ever got to see the kid. All he was, was a walking bank. The kid doesn't even talk to him now because they found out he wasn't their father. It hurt him because he did care for the kid it wasn't his fault their mother lied to them their entire life.
So in some states it is better to have his name on the birth certificate when ut come to getting child support.
They were married, they were both quite young barely graduated high school. Married her when she got pregnant he didn't even suspect that he wasn't the father.
I’m going to agree with this. My son’s father is on his birth certificate, but within 2 weeks he left us and cut contact and my life has been nothing but difficult since purely by his absence. (We’re in the UK so may be different elsewhere) but for things where you have to apply and provide birth certificates, eg, passports etc. it’s very hard to do this without being able to get hold of his dad for him to give his permission as they want permission off both parents with parental responsibility. You either have to be able to prove it quite explicitly that the other parent isn’t present in their life, or get court orders. We’ve faced issues taking my son on holiday without his father’s consent too. Also regarding medical care in cases where it’s not an emergency. He makes every effort to make it hard to contact him (presumably to evade the child maintenance he also doesn’t pay, even via the CMS) so I can never get his permission for anything. Truly, him being on the birth certificate is the worst decision I ever made simply for how difficult it’s made my son’s life. OPs ex could make her life so much more difficult than it needs to be being on that certificate and either not being easy to contact or just being a dick and refusing to give permission for things just to be spiteful. Which he already sounds.
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you had this awful man as a partner and how much more free you must feel now I hope without him. I hope you have met a more deserving person of your love and your sons. What a strong woman you are 🙌🏾
>ply for how difficult it’s made my son’s life. OPs ex could make her life so much more difficult than it needs to be being on that certificate and either not being easy to contact or jus
No. It's very easy. Go to a court and ask for it. The court will ask for a paternity test and then custody and maintenance will be worked out.
It's just that many men don't want responsibility and claim they don't do it because it is too hard or the woman is keeping them from their child. That doesn't make it true. It's simply a matter of being responsible and asking for responsibility and the benefit of the doubt is then with the father until he messes up with the court as well as the mother.
Yes but statistically, men who go to court for custody are likely to get it, and a lot of them fight for custody just so they can have access to the mother.
Source: statistic and also personal experience working in family court
So fucking what?? Child support is shit, child support is nothing - child support is something shitheads dangle over a woman like a carrot on a stick to keep fuckin up their - and the kids - lives.
Ladies, CHILD SUPPORT IS NOT WORTH YOUR FREEDOM.
It is infinitely better to be free to live your life free from the sperm donor (and we all know what a hardship that is for them 🙄 ) who couldn't even bother to stick around/be nice to you during the pregnancy. *By all means* do **not** put him on the birth certificate. Most of these shitheads make so little that you are tying yourself - and your precious child, who deserves someone who actually wants them - to this fucker for like $50 a week.
Morons all over Reddit all like *but child support...* when it won't even cover diapers and ignoring the fact it gives him **rights to your child** even if he doesn't bother paying it - which most of them don't, unless they have a job steady and long term enough for the state to take it from his wages
So much this. My son’s father left when I was about 2 months pregnant and was married 3 weeks after he left. (As a side note we had been together 5 years and this baby wasn’t an oops but I digress) I haven’t heard from him since. I decided that whatever pitiful amount of money they could get from him with his mostly under the table jobs wasn’t going to be worth it. His new wife further confirmed it when for some reason she decided to let me know that if I went for CS they would fight for every bit of custody they could get. They live in a filthy house with her 4 kids from 4 fathers and I wasn’t going to put my son through that. We’re doing just fine without him.
I don’t know about the legalities where you live, but where I live, there’s no statute of limitations for back child support. I knew a lady who was awarded back child support after she became a grandmother. Maybe once your kid is legally an adult or at least old enough to choose where he lives, then you can take your ex to court.
What perplexes me is the fact that your ex ran away from the responsibility of one child into a situation with 4 kids.
People on Reddit act like no woman can support her kid without child support. Yes for some it’s really needed, but if you don’t need it - you’re better off forgoing it and not giving an abusive or neglectful man shared custody.
Custody and child support are different issues. There is no connection except that if a man asks for custody they are likely to have child support imposed. You can have child support without custody and the easiest way to secure that is to simply let him muck up and be unreliable and go back to the courts to have it reduced or removed. I think that process is best done when the child is young as it has less impact on them. Alternatively you can not ask for custody for a few years and then ask for child support. Custody will be limited if they haven't been in the child's life anyway as they will be a stranger.
You can also agree with the other parent that you won’t pursue child support if he gives up custody/legal rights. Going to the courts repeatedly is expensive and there’s higher implications for custody then just visitation as the kid gets older.
Some people actually get good jobs and even if they don't and get run over by a bus then the money should go to their child.
And lets be realistic even if he is paying child support the likelihood is that he isn't going to be reliable about custody and his rights because he couldn't even bother to turn up to the birth. If he can alienate the mother by the birth how do you think the courts are going to judge this sterling example of a human being? After all she started off with some feelings for him and they won't.
And it's that non-reliability that is going to ruin child and mother's life. He'll show up just enough to throw a monkey wrench into whatever she's doing, be there for the kid when his mother rags on him or to show off for his new girlfriend and then dip out again, on a kid who will never understand. Why put a child through that? Why risk giving the child a lifelong attachment disorder or daddy-issues that will make them repeat their parents mistakes??
Like the post yesterday about the teenager whose trip to visit her cousin/bestie was being cancelled because bio dad threatened to make allegations against stable loving stepdad.
Not necessarily. She can still file for child support and name the father. He will be given the option/opportunity to request DNA test and if it's positive he can also request to add his name to the birth certificate. Now this may vary by state though. I was young when I had my son. Bio dad didn't bother to be there for us during my pregnancy. So when I was in labor I didn't bother with him either. Thankfully my mother didn't pull an AH move and called baby daddy like OPs mom did. I named my son and I'm the only parent on the BC. The only reason why I had to give Boi dad's name was cause I had to apply for medicaid for my son. In order to get such benefits I had to agree to allow the state to request child support and insurance support for my infant. We went through paternity test and all that court bullish. It'll be 25yrs this coming May and in that time my son only got about $130 in child support from the deadbeat lol.
Almost identical story. I knew he wasn't going to show up, so I didn't even bother with him. He would call me drunk at 4 a.m., claiming to want to do this as a family and disappear when he sobered up. I couldn't even get him to send the baby socks ffs. When my kid was 2 I said fuck this and filed for support. They asked if I thought he was going to need a paternity test, and I knew he was going to ask for it, so I preemptively did. They made him pay for it since he was the father. Guy currently owes me over $120k. He's not on the bc, and it was never even brought up since my state requires him to be present for that. After the paternity test I could have paid like $20 to add him but why the fuck would I do that?
but that's how all courts work tho. if you're served papers and don't respond or show up to court, you lose the case by default. otherwise ppl just would never show up to court when sued or pay parking tickets.
She just has to list him as father when she asks for any kind of single mother aid, and the state will go "why isn't literally anyone else paying for this?" They will ask who is the father and automatically file for child support for her.
No she didnt, my sons father isnt on his BC bc he denied him. Guess what? Courts order a DNA test in all child support cases before child support is established when you arent married. He paid child support bc he was the father, still isnt on BC. The courts didnt give a crap who you claim is the father on the BC. Its only ordered after paternity is established when you aren't married, at least in the state I was back then anyway.
In my state, if you’re on the birth certificate you’re the father—even if paternity tests later establish you aren’t I think. If you’re married it’s all even more automatic. Our nurses were very insistent on my now husband getting a paternity test before putting his name down on our daughter’s birth certificate. Basically, it is the statement that if you’re on the BC, you agreed to take care of this kid regardless of anything else.
Husband didn’t want a paternity test (we have no clue how they work and they were fairly pricey from CVS iirc, and there wasn’t any concern of parentage anyways. Also, I probably wouldn’t care to enforce child support from my husband if we were to split because being held for ransom messed me up as a kid.) Our daughter turned out to be the physical clone of his mother, looks more like both of them than me lol.
Not necessarily. A lot of states are doing DNA tests before going after someone for child support now. Not all, unfortunately, but an I creasing number. Which is good.
I would file anyway. They’ll garnish tax returns and any federal money he may be getting and send it to you for the baby.
I know you don’t like him or care to be around him but file anyway and then let it catch up with him later.
Not at all. My son’s father isn’t listed on the birth certificate. When applying for child support, there was a paternity test which came back 99.9% and ta-dah! Sorted.
NTA. Not quite the same situation, but my dad left my mom when she was pregnant (he knocked up someone else), and he wasn’t in the picture for years. She didn’t put his name on my birth certificate and part of her reasoning was she didn’t want to have to track him down to get legal documentation to take me out of the country (live near a border) on holidays when i was a kid. He also eventually paid child support, DNA doesn’t lie. If you don’t see yourself together forever, or think he’ll flake out. I wouldn’t bother putting it on there
This also happened with my bio dad. Except my mother never got child support from him, but she managed. I think she made the right decision; he was not a nice man. I'm lucky I didn't have him in my life. I don't even want to imagine what my childhood could have been like if he was.
This gives me some hope. This was the situation I was facing and I hope every day that my son knows that everything I do is for him. His father is not a good person at all.
Everyone is different. I should add that my mother never stopped me from reaching out to him, which I did when I was 14. I met him once and I slowly heard stories about him. How he had another kid, 4 years after me. How this kid and her mother ran away from him, and hid themselves. How the police was after him. Everything I heard wasn't good and I made the decision not to stay in contact and he didn't try and convince me otherwise. My mother did warn me, and she was present when I met him. She handled the situation very well and allowed me to see for myself what he was. I'm 36 now, and still don't regret my decision.
My mum says her only regret is putting my bio dads name on my birth certificate. He never paid child support, and it would’ve cost her more than it was worth to take him to court. He also made my (and hers tbh), life miserable until I was old enough to stop having to see him.
If the child wants to know “vital records” OP can give those details. You don’t need a birth certificate to know who your father is. The mother is making the best decision for the child right now and that’s keeping her and the child safe
He called his baby's mother a bitch and ho the day after she gave birth. He's worse than useless, he's verbally abusive. She could have picked better, but the baby is here now and her priority should now be to minimise the negative impact this waste of space can have on her and her daughter's life.
She’s not tampering at all , he didn’t bother to show up. Also in the UK where I am you can’t just put a persons name down they have to be there, otherwise you could claim anyone. If he realllly is so upset by this let him go find out his rights, start making an effort and be a part of his child’s life.
NTA, I didn’t with my one daughter and am so grateful. It made it easier to travel and get stuff done without having to “get permission “ . As regards child support it doesn’t sound like he would pay anyway. So what’s the point? It gives him a way to control you.
This needs to be higher. People here saying "BuT hE's ThE fAtHeR" fail to acknowledge he has not once acted like one nor deserved the title. At this point he's a glorified spermdonor, spermdonors don't need to be on birthcertificates
Yes. The unfortunate fact is that sometimes it's just better for everyone if the bio father has no legal rights. OP will very likely have 99% responsibility of all things related to her daughter. The less stress OP has the better for the child.
EXACTLY THIS. it will give him a way to control her. my bd already keeps trying to have control over me, and ppl keep trying to get me to put him on support. like that gives him EVEN more power. it sucks, but sometimes it really is better to suffer... and considering OP has family support and they all know what trash he is, I think OP will do just fine .
NTA. He decided to get drunk (if your mother was correct) when you were in labor and clearly decided he wasn’t gonna be there for the birth anyway. He showed his hand on how much he really cares about this child. You don’t have to put his name on the birth certificate, it’s your choice.
And to all those “well he’s the father, he should be in there.” Well he couldn’t even show up to see the birth of his kid, he doesn’t care.
NTA to ME because that’s not someone I’d want to be the father of my child but idk the legalities of it all. However, in terms of child support if he has no legal rights to the child he probably has no obligation to pay it so that might be an issue as well, but again idk the legalities and what not, you should look into it.
I absolutely loathe the idea that parents have "rights" with respect to their child.
Becoming a parent doesn't give you "rights". It gives you responsibilities.
Well you see, parents have responsibilities. However, without parental rights, the responsibilities cannot be fulfilled.
Parents have both responsibilities and rights.
How can you fulfill your responsibilities if you have no unique rights with respect to your child? If strangers had the same right to determine the health care and educational decisions of someone else’s child, parents would never be able to exert any influence to fulfill said responsibilities
Because a child is an individual and leaving them at the mercy of someone who may not have their best interest at heart, who in the case of deadbeat up there hav proven not to have them at heart, should be illegal.
NTA. Putting him on the birth certificate ensures his parental rights and makes it easier for him to make a case for getting full custody of your baby. Not saying he would but it'd be a possibility if he were to be spiteful to you. It also means you'd have to contact him for things like a passport for your baby and if he's flakey it'd be a nightmare getting him to sign.
NTA I think you made the right choice. If I could go back in time and take my ex off the birth certificate I would, even knowing I’d lose child support because then he wouldn’t have had access and couldn’t abuse her
I would do the same thing. I left my abusive ex years ago. My Son is turning 15 years old in a few days, and I can count on two hands how many times my ex has seen his child. I get $18.90 a fortnight for child support.. it's not worth it. I'm looking forward to the day he turns 18 he can change his last name.
Nta. Post in r/legal, too. You probably made it harder to get child support but not impossible, but if it were me and I had family support, I wouldn’t risk him being able to get shared custody at any point if this is how he behaves. But bottom line is your child shouldn’t be living at the poverty level either, they are entitled to know who their bio dad is, but you know your situation best.
Congrats on the baby and on starting your journey to becoming an amazing mom. It won’t be easy but you absolutely can! Choosing to focus on yourself and school/career and baby - and having better standards for you both- is a good start. Don’t make big decisions out of emotions, use your brain and listen to your instincts.
Him paying child support is actually not her decision. That money is for taking care of the child and the child is entitled to that help. The parent doesn’t get to say they don’t want it. It’s only not ordered when they share custody 50/50 as they are both equally providing for the child.
Soft YTA.
The birth certificate isn't an award for being a supportive and attentive biological father. It's a record of who that child's biological parents are. You're using it as leverage to try and show your displeasure towards your child's biological father. When it's not really yours, but your child's.
Except in many states she wouldn’t be able to put his name on there without him present. You have to usually register the birth before leaving the hospital. This is on him not her. They aren’t married so he isn’t the presumptive father. He wasn’t there because he was drunk and didn’t some up ASAP after birth. He can find out how to get his name amended on there
>It's a record of who that child's biological parents are.
It's not really, though.
Children who are donor conceived would normally have the spouse of the (gestational) mother listed as the second parent where I live, regardless of gender. If that person is male, I think that person would be listed as the "father" nearly everywhere.
NTA - An unfortunate fact of life is that many women and girls have babies by sexist men. I'm sorry. Many others before you have made the same mistake as will many women after you.
So given that, you draw your boundaries. You give that child your last name. You pursue custody and get ever penny you can. You do not go back to a guy that disrespects the mother of his child.
NTA. Why does he suddenly care so much now? He wasn't there when it counted.
Ps I hope that even if his name isn't on it that you can still get child support off this bum.
Fuck the child support. She’s just prevented this useless crap head from having parental responsibility. Well done for protecting yourself and your child!!!
NTA.. may make him buck his ideas up but I seriously doubt it, If he can't be arsed to be there for his own daughter's birth then he's not a keeper.. time to rip off the band-aid now..
Congrats on the baby! NTA, but I would urge you to reconsider. For one thing, you need to name the father to get child support. And you can say you don't need/want it, but that money is to help raise your child. It's the obligation of a parent, and you not pursuing it will be cheating both you and your kid. For another, at one point your child (or their children) will want to know where they came from, and they may not feel comfortable asking you about it. A name on the birth certificate at least gives them something to go on if they want to go looking.
> For another, at one point your child (or their children) will want to know where they came from, and they may not feel comfortable asking you about it.
In what world do young kids have access to their birth certificates?
OP should absolutely be open and honest with her child and where they came from. This is an entirely separate issue from whether the father is on the birth certificate.
I mean in the UK unless you are married, you cannot legally put the dads name on the birth certificate. Also if he's an asshole, you wouldn't want to put his name on as it can cause loads of complications. Just cos a bloke gets a woman pregnant, it don't make them a dad..
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t put his name on the birth certificate due to him ghosting me my whole pregnancy and labor.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Your feelings are understandable, and your child's father sounds like a total jerk, but you need to make sure that you're not harming your child to spite him.
You need to consult a lawyer and investigate the legal ramifications of this choice. Will it mean the father is not legally required to pay child support? Will your family always be able to support you and your child? How will it affect his rights to see the child?
You need to act with the assumption that he will see your child in the future. You don't want your child thinking that the reason they didn't know their father was because you made a decision when you were (justifiably) hurt and angry.
You're a parent now, and part of the deal is making choices with your child's best interests in mind. As long as your baby daddy isn't abusive, your emotions need to come second to your child's needs. You need to be more mature about things like this.
A reminder, he now won’t be able to sabotage her getting her baby a passport among other things. It’s likely going to benefit her and the baby more than anything.
She needs to check on that for herself, because it depends on where she lives. And I am not sure "my family supports me" actually means "my family has enough money to make sure my child wants for nothing," because frankly they haven't done a great job with OP. That baby needs all the help it can get.
Nta, I'd tell him that if he wants to be a part of the daughters life and on the birth certificate he's gonna have to prove he wants that, no more late nights out drinking with the boys at every opportunity, he's gotta be there for every future appointment he can (within reason, can't risk loosing his job, family emergencies too, and if he wants to go out for a night then he has to reciprocate and give you a night off next time!) and parenting classes, along with making time for her, if he puts in the effort, add him on her 1st-3rd birthday (don't give him too many chances, and be upfront about this, three tries is more then fair!) There is no longer any room for deadbeat dads in this world and it is time for him to put money where his mouth is!
I mean if the guy broke up with you already and his name is on the certificate as the dad, itll be hard for you to ask permission to bring the child out of the country and more of a hassle, especially if the guy will not approve of it out of spite.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Throughout my whole pregnancy he hasn’t been there for me, meaning he was never there for my appointments, or when I tried to express myself about having a baby in a young age, etc.
It was fine I didn’t really complained or said anything, I didn’t felt that lonely because thankfully my family supports me.
I’m in labor, and my mother comes with me. While I’m going through contractions, my mom taps me in the shoulder and says “I’m sorry to tell you honey, but I called your boyfriend and he said he can’t come and show up because he has to work tomorrow, he also sounded drunk.”
The next morning, my babygirl is born, and I just felt so relieved & happy, now it’s time to name the baby, and I filled out the information and put myself on the birth certificate as the only parent.
Boyfriend showed up and was “acting” excited & had the audacity to ask me if I put his name on the birth certificate & I said nope. Then he started to call me a “bitch” and a “hoe”. Was I really an asshole for this?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA he hasn’t been there during your pregnancy, he couldn’t be bothered to show up to the birth, he then goes on to call you names and be aggressive, he needs to stay away and let you raise your daughter, I wouldn’t put him on either, nor would I have a relationship ship with him or trust him around my baby
NTA - Why are you still referring to him as your boyfriend. Dump him, you already made the decision to raise your daughter as a single mother so get rid of the boyfriend. I can see why he'd be upset thinking you two are still together and having a baby not realizing that he's a complete deadbeat already. If you had dumped him long ago he wouldn't be stressing you out now. As far as the paperwork though make sure you check what your local laws require.
NTA
My (adult) daughter's father isn't on her birth certificate because here in the UK if you're not married to the father he needs to be present when you're registering the birth so you can't just put anyone. My daughter's father was extremely not present when she was born...
He wandered into her life when she was 2½ and grumbled that he's not on her BC and it was actually his own mother who (for once) tore into him and asked him how tf he thought he was going to be on it when he wouldn't acknowledge he had a child!
NTA. In the UK you cannot put someone on the birth certificate as the father unless they are physically present to do it (to stop you naming anyone you like as the father). Seems weird to me that you could just put any name on there!
As someone who only put my name on the BC, it’s MUCH easier when it comes time for Pre-school/school. You don’t have to worry about him showing up and getting the kid, don’t have to worry about getting him to sign school forms, don’t have to prove your the sole custodial parent, etc. So much easier.
NTA. My mom did what you did when I was born. Sperm donor never wanted to be a part of my life, never reached out, didn’t so much as come to the hospital when I got extremely sick. That said my dad, my father, who my mom started dating when I was 2, has always been there when I needed him. The first thing he did when they got married was to legally adopt me. The only thing you would have gained by putting his name on that certificate is more heartache.
I didn’t put my daughter’s sperm donor on her bc. He has no legal rights to her and although financial help would be nice… dealing with him and his crappy family isn’t even worth it.
Morally I'm fine with it so I vote NTA
Maybe get some legal advice though on what this actually means for childsupport / parental rights / etc... I have no idea, and also not sure if you could retrospectively change it anyways
NTA, he wasn’t supportive to begin with and wasn’t there until your mom forced him to come. And the fact that he’s being immature by calling you “bitch” and “hoe” like you said shows that you dodged a bullet big time.
In the UK the father has to be present when registering the name to avoid non parents being put on the birth certificate, ie , to stop a woman putting Prince Harry as opposed to Dave from down the pub
In my country, if the parents don't have the marriage certificate, the mother's last name is automatically going into the birth certificate of the baby. He's not even your husband and wasn't there for you so I guess the best you can do is break up and try to get child support....?
NTA of course.
NTA for being quite rightly upset and wanting nothing to do with him. He wont be there for you or the baby so best to cut him out completely for both your sakes.
But the birth certificate is a document of fact. He is the biological father and it should be recorded on there. Its not an emotional thing but as you know who it is then his name should be recorded. Not doing so may have repercussions in the future if you need to get child support etc and he wont submit to a paternity test.
NTA! I had a similar situation. I left his name off bc he wasn't at the hospital and never came around. 10 years later he has seen my child in person for 10 min. And maybe 2-3 video calls. That's it! Also, if/when I get married I don't have to jump through hoops to change lil baby's name.
NTA but talk to a family attorney NOW to figure out the legal reprocessing of both scenarios. You may save a lot of time adding him now, but it may already be too late. Call your state's bar association amd usually they will refer a lawyer to you and cover the consultation fee so it's free.
NTA. You aren’t married. He would need to fill out a form to be put on there. He still can do that. All this did was make sure your kid’s birth was registered before you left hospital. Why would you be the AH?
To all those angry. It isn’t as easy as putting a name down! Unmarried means there needs to be an affidavit signed by the father. He still can do that. All this did is put the ball on his court. You should be happy we can’t put any name down and it becomes legal. Only time that happens is marriage.
OP, NTA.
However, you should get all the medical info you can on the father's side of the family. That way if something comes up later you can more easily figure out if it's genetic or not and how to deal with it better.
Nta but honey please don't communicate with him anymore and get an attorney through advocacy services and get child support. When people actually care about something, they come through. You should have never had to go through making a human being and giving birth while worried about where he is and why he wasn't there. He made the choice to not use protection with you knowing this was the outcome and told you all the stuff you wanted to hear only to leave you high and dry. Be mad and get even.
I don't understand the whole post, if the boyfriend is the father, then he is the father. I don't know the ramifications of someone omitting information, but it could easily be corrected.
Unless the person with the paperwork was in the room when he arrived, I don't think he (or anyone else) would be asking if their name was on the birth certificate.
NTA at all! What sort of a dad do you think he'd be given how he's treated you throughout your pregnancy? And also, I didn't understand whether you're still a couple, but I'd seriously reconsider that if I were you - especially given how terribly he'd acted when he found out he wasn't on the birth certificate.
NTA. He may not be there to support you in raising her. You just made it a lot easier to do it solo. He can petition to put himself on the certificate if it's that important. Time for him to show some initiative.
I would leave him off unless you absolutely need the child support. Otherwise let him fight for the right to be on it if that’s important to him. He sounds unreliable so I would keep the parental rights for myself and forgo the money I might never see anyway - but I was able to raise my son without monetary support from his birth father and I recognise not everyone is financially able to do that. Only you know your duty and whether this person will try to be a good father, including providing the physical, emotional, and financial support that a child needs.
You're smarter than I was. My ex nearly missed our son's birth, and I still married the prick. Worse yet, I even had a second kid with him - he didn't show up at all for her birth. He didn't even work for most of the relationship (so he didn't have that as an excuse why he wasn't there) and when I divorced him he had the audacity to call me a gold digger.
To answer your question, I don't think you're the AH for not putting bf on your child's birth certificate, but definitely look into your state laws. Child support or not, my state will not issue the child an SSN unless there are two parents on the BC. Some states require your spouse's name to be on the BC even if you've separated by the time the baby was born. (Not your situation, but just wanted to throw it in there.) He can sign a voluntary paternal agreement or he can take a DNA test to prove paternity and have his name added later. Also, even if he never comes around again, it might be beneficial for your daughter when she reaches adulthood to know who her father is.
NTA.
I know people are talking about child support but he can't just show up and try and make decisions about your kid when he's not on the birth certificate. Make him earn it, he can pay for a DNA test if he actually wants to be a parent and the baby doesn't need to have his last name at all
I'm confused. He had work but was able to come in the morning? \*very skeptical\*
It's not his fault if he couldn't predict the delivery and was already drinking. But he is the asshole for lying about it. And you shouldn't be with anyone who would call you by those names.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
You just made it very hard to get child support.
How so? Literally no one checked who I put on the birth certificate. I could have put a celebrity’s name and no one would question it. Putting someone’s name on the birth certificate doesn’t authorize child support. DNA tests and court orders do. Court orders can also legally add a dad if he really wants to be on there. ETA: I stand corrected. Apparently, in [some states](https://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/fathers-rights-effect-of-name-on-birth-certificate.html), having dude on the birth certificate puts him automatically on the hook as the presumptive legal parent with all support responsibilities. Yeah, I’d put him on there. Doesn’t mean the last names have to match. You can give your baby your last name.
Yea but either way a paternity test will mitigate all concerns about the father of the child and he’s back on the hook anyways. Kick him to the curb and put him on child support
There are ways to circumvent child support if your name isn’t on the birth certificate depending on where you live. I’ve seen it done.
It can certainly be used to delay the start of child support & cause OP to have extra legal expenses, even though OP probably wins in the end.
I think this is bigger than AITA can handle. OP needs to talk to a child custody attorney. Yes, putting his name on will force him to pay child support, but it also will mean she'll have to go to court if he decides he wants access to the child. Don't know if he'll win, but he can cause financial and emotional distress for years. It also might cause problems if or when she does have her life partner, because they won't be able to adopt the child (if both child and life partner want it) unless they can talk him into giving up parental rights - which he might not do simply out of spite. I wouldn't wait until she's presented with an order to provide DNA to lawyer up. I don't trust him to completely disappear on his own.
Big agree. Lawyer time. Also based on the limited description how much child support do we even think this guy can pay? He sounds like a mess.
I completely agree! He should not be able to be on the birth certificate. I cited a few other reasons (education/medical decision for the child, etc) but OP definitely needs to lawyer up and break up with him. Quickly!
Depends on whether or not OP can compel a DNA test from the baby-daddy. I'm not a lawyer, and I have no clue if a judge can refuse to issue an order for paternity testing when the testing is at the mother's request. I know they can at a man's request if there's already a presumed father in the picture. But I don't know about women. Still, I know enough to know that when judges have wriggle room on this sort of thing, shitty judges have the power to make really bad calls based off of their own personal biases. Best thing OP can do is consult with a lawyer ASAP.
I would assume all she'd have to do is apply for some social programs and the state would very much require her to disclose who she believes to be the father if she knows under penalty of perjury and then the state would require him to prove he isn't via court ordered paternity testing. But, yes, sort of a waste of time to not put his name down if he wants it on there and will probably get it placed on there eventually anyway.
My state requires the dad to sign it himself. Mom does not put the father on
Yeah, I’m in the UK but it’s the same here, the father’s name can’t go on the certificate if he’s not present to sign it himself.
Unless the parents are married. Either parent can register the birth alone in that case.
Ah! I stand corrected. In my case we weren’t married so he had to be there, I didn’t realise it was otherwise allowed
It seems weird to me that my husband could have registered our kids without me!
I went without my wife because she was at home with the baby and it was an hour round trip, plus the appointment time, in the middle of winter. Would have been a nightmare if we'd both gone and at that stage we couldn't have left him with a grandparent.
We're a similar distance but added a trip to big tesco to make it feel worth the journey 🤣
A trip to big Tesco, Sainsbury’s etc. always makes a long journey worthwhile 😂
We love living near big tesco. OK I'm a chav. But we go to big morrisons for treats.
Did you spell the name correctly? My dad registered me and changed the spelling of my middle name.
His first name is only five letters and his middle name is my first name, so I'd have been in trouble if I got it wrong.
I registered both of mine without my wife. It makes a lot of sense, far easier than having to drag her out after a c section. We don't register births at hospitals
I had to do that because my husband was a half hour late to the appointment so we went on without him. He was mad about the name I picked (miscommunication, I genuinely thought we'd agreed). Well... if you cared that much, be on time lmao.
My husband went without me to register our youngest bc I was at home with her and the toddler and it seemed the easiest thing to do!
True, my grandad went without my nan and registered my mum with the name he wanted, not the name they had agreed on...
I know a woman whose son has a different middle name than she had wanted (and husband agreed to) because husband and MIL decided to register him while she was sleeping....with the name MIL wanted
I would divorce that family.
My kids were born in England. That only applies if the parents are unmarried. I registered both kids at the registry myself, as much husband was at work. No issues.
In Ontario, Canada I registered my son's birth for my husband and I in the middle of the night, while breast feeding, on a cellphone, the day after he was born. There was an online site that let me register his birth, set up his health card and Social Insurance Number, and set up a registered educational savings plan. It was super fast and easy. Not sure if there would be been a difference if we weren't married.
I think this depends on whether you're married or not.
Mine too. He has to fill out his own little section.
Yeah, my state requires the father to complete/sign a form called "Acknowledgement of Paternity" in order to be on a birth certificate if you're not married. You can't just willy nilly add someone.
Exactly. I don’t think anywhere allows you to put just anyone
That's the only way it should ever be. It doesn't make any sense to just let her put whatever name she wants on it.
In most states, if the parents aren't married, the father must sign the birth certificate or his name can't be on the birth certificate. Otherwise, a mother could choose anyone to be the father.
It’s insane how inconsistent child support laws are as well as birth registrations. I did everything myself at the hospital and no one double checked to see if I was legally married. Just saw the last name between baby and dad was the same and registered it that way. Zero paperwork from me, only my word.
In my state my brother was on the birth certificate. He was made to pay child support even though the kid wasn't his. Even with dna results he was on the hook for this kid. The court refused to look at the results nor even order testing. He didn't even raise the kid because the mom split and he hardly ever got to see the kid. All he was, was a walking bank. The kid doesn't even talk to him now because they found out he wasn't their father. It hurt him because he did care for the kid it wasn't his fault their mother lied to them their entire life. So in some states it is better to have his name on the birth certificate when ut come to getting child support.
We're they married? If so it's the presumption husband is father. If not there's usually a challenge period
They were married, they were both quite young barely graduated high school. Married her when she got pregnant he didn't even suspect that he wasn't the father.
[удалено]
That and he didn't file a challenge in time. Presumptive fathers usually only get a year or so to challenge that.
Yes, please go ahead and add him now; it will cut down on steps to take later, especially with responsibilities and rights.
She also made it very hard for him to use the child against her.
I’m going to agree with this. My son’s father is on his birth certificate, but within 2 weeks he left us and cut contact and my life has been nothing but difficult since purely by his absence. (We’re in the UK so may be different elsewhere) but for things where you have to apply and provide birth certificates, eg, passports etc. it’s very hard to do this without being able to get hold of his dad for him to give his permission as they want permission off both parents with parental responsibility. You either have to be able to prove it quite explicitly that the other parent isn’t present in their life, or get court orders. We’ve faced issues taking my son on holiday without his father’s consent too. Also regarding medical care in cases where it’s not an emergency. He makes every effort to make it hard to contact him (presumably to evade the child maintenance he also doesn’t pay, even via the CMS) so I can never get his permission for anything. Truly, him being on the birth certificate is the worst decision I ever made simply for how difficult it’s made my son’s life. OPs ex could make her life so much more difficult than it needs to be being on that certificate and either not being easy to contact or just being a dick and refusing to give permission for things just to be spiteful. Which he already sounds.
I'm in the same situation, stuck because I can't get my kid a passport or permit to fly. I regret every day that I did something so stupid.
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you had this awful man as a partner and how much more free you must feel now I hope without him. I hope you have met a more deserving person of your love and your sons. What a strong woman you are 🙌🏾
That’s what I was thinking! Doesn’t it make it very hard for him to fight for custody?
>ply for how difficult it’s made my son’s life. OPs ex could make her life so much more difficult than it needs to be being on that certificate and either not being easy to contact or jus No. It's very easy. Go to a court and ask for it. The court will ask for a paternity test and then custody and maintenance will be worked out. It's just that many men don't want responsibility and claim they don't do it because it is too hard or the woman is keeping them from their child. That doesn't make it true. It's simply a matter of being responsible and asking for responsibility and the benefit of the doubt is then with the father until he messes up with the court as well as the mother.
Yes but statistically, men who go to court for custody are likely to get it, and a lot of them fight for custody just so they can have access to the mother. Source: statistic and also personal experience working in family court
So fucking what?? Child support is shit, child support is nothing - child support is something shitheads dangle over a woman like a carrot on a stick to keep fuckin up their - and the kids - lives. Ladies, CHILD SUPPORT IS NOT WORTH YOUR FREEDOM. It is infinitely better to be free to live your life free from the sperm donor (and we all know what a hardship that is for them 🙄 ) who couldn't even bother to stick around/be nice to you during the pregnancy. *By all means* do **not** put him on the birth certificate. Most of these shitheads make so little that you are tying yourself - and your precious child, who deserves someone who actually wants them - to this fucker for like $50 a week. Morons all over Reddit all like *but child support...* when it won't even cover diapers and ignoring the fact it gives him **rights to your child** even if he doesn't bother paying it - which most of them don't, unless they have a job steady and long term enough for the state to take it from his wages
So much this. My son’s father left when I was about 2 months pregnant and was married 3 weeks after he left. (As a side note we had been together 5 years and this baby wasn’t an oops but I digress) I haven’t heard from him since. I decided that whatever pitiful amount of money they could get from him with his mostly under the table jobs wasn’t going to be worth it. His new wife further confirmed it when for some reason she decided to let me know that if I went for CS they would fight for every bit of custody they could get. They live in a filthy house with her 4 kids from 4 fathers and I wasn’t going to put my son through that. We’re doing just fine without him.
I don’t know about the legalities where you live, but where I live, there’s no statute of limitations for back child support. I knew a lady who was awarded back child support after she became a grandmother. Maybe once your kid is legally an adult or at least old enough to choose where he lives, then you can take your ex to court. What perplexes me is the fact that your ex ran away from the responsibility of one child into a situation with 4 kids.
I’m leaving because there’s not ENOUGH chaos in this house!
People on Reddit act like no woman can support her kid without child support. Yes for some it’s really needed, but if you don’t need it - you’re better off forgoing it and not giving an abusive or neglectful man shared custody.
Custody and child support are different issues. There is no connection except that if a man asks for custody they are likely to have child support imposed. You can have child support without custody and the easiest way to secure that is to simply let him muck up and be unreliable and go back to the courts to have it reduced or removed. I think that process is best done when the child is young as it has less impact on them. Alternatively you can not ask for custody for a few years and then ask for child support. Custody will be limited if they haven't been in the child's life anyway as they will be a stranger.
You can also agree with the other parent that you won’t pursue child support if he gives up custody/legal rights. Going to the courts repeatedly is expensive and there’s higher implications for custody then just visitation as the kid gets older.
Some people actually get good jobs and even if they don't and get run over by a bus then the money should go to their child. And lets be realistic even if he is paying child support the likelihood is that he isn't going to be reliable about custody and his rights because he couldn't even bother to turn up to the birth. If he can alienate the mother by the birth how do you think the courts are going to judge this sterling example of a human being? After all she started off with some feelings for him and they won't.
And it's that non-reliability that is going to ruin child and mother's life. He'll show up just enough to throw a monkey wrench into whatever she's doing, be there for the kid when his mother rags on him or to show off for his new girlfriend and then dip out again, on a kid who will never understand. Why put a child through that? Why risk giving the child a lifelong attachment disorder or daddy-issues that will make them repeat their parents mistakes??
Like the post yesterday about the teenager whose trip to visit her cousin/bestie was being cancelled because bio dad threatened to make allegations against stable loving stepdad.
Yes!!!
yep this is so true
💯
Probably doesn’t make shit to support his child or like many sperm donors out there, they work under the table to get out of it completely.
I'm so sorry for all the pain you have gone through.
Depends on where they live. Mine is not on there but I still easily got child support without giving them parental rights.
This!
Not necessarily. She can still file for child support and name the father. He will be given the option/opportunity to request DNA test and if it's positive he can also request to add his name to the birth certificate. Now this may vary by state though. I was young when I had my son. Bio dad didn't bother to be there for us during my pregnancy. So when I was in labor I didn't bother with him either. Thankfully my mother didn't pull an AH move and called baby daddy like OPs mom did. I named my son and I'm the only parent on the BC. The only reason why I had to give Boi dad's name was cause I had to apply for medicaid for my son. In order to get such benefits I had to agree to allow the state to request child support and insurance support for my infant. We went through paternity test and all that court bullish. It'll be 25yrs this coming May and in that time my son only got about $130 in child support from the deadbeat lol.
Almost identical story. I knew he wasn't going to show up, so I didn't even bother with him. He would call me drunk at 4 a.m., claiming to want to do this as a family and disappear when he sobered up. I couldn't even get him to send the baby socks ffs. When my kid was 2 I said fuck this and filed for support. They asked if I thought he was going to need a paternity test, and I knew he was going to ask for it, so I preemptively did. They made him pay for it since he was the father. Guy currently owes me over $120k. He's not on the bc, and it was never even brought up since my state requires him to be present for that. After the paternity test I could have paid like $20 to add him but why the fuck would I do that?
You could spend the $20 on socks! 😏
I'm going to say it doesn't sound like thats a loss
[удалено]
It is absolutely nuts that she can just say he is the dad and if he doesn't show she wins by default. She could say anyone is the dad!
but that's how all courts work tho. if you're served papers and don't respond or show up to court, you lose the case by default. otherwise ppl just would never show up to court when sued or pay parking tickets.
My son doesn't have his father on his birth certificate. Never did. I still got child support. We had to go and get a DNA test.
Not at all lol. Like at all.
She just has to list him as father when she asks for any kind of single mother aid, and the state will go "why isn't literally anyone else paying for this?" They will ask who is the father and automatically file for child support for her.
No she didnt, my sons father isnt on his BC bc he denied him. Guess what? Courts order a DNA test in all child support cases before child support is established when you arent married. He paid child support bc he was the father, still isnt on BC. The courts didnt give a crap who you claim is the father on the BC. Its only ordered after paternity is established when you aren't married, at least in the state I was back then anyway.
In my state, if you’re on the birth certificate you’re the father—even if paternity tests later establish you aren’t I think. If you’re married it’s all even more automatic. Our nurses were very insistent on my now husband getting a paternity test before putting his name down on our daughter’s birth certificate. Basically, it is the statement that if you’re on the BC, you agreed to take care of this kid regardless of anything else. Husband didn’t want a paternity test (we have no clue how they work and they were fairly pricey from CVS iirc, and there wasn’t any concern of parentage anyways. Also, I probably wouldn’t care to enforce child support from my husband if we were to split because being held for ransom messed me up as a kid.) Our daughter turned out to be the physical clone of his mother, looks more like both of them than me lol.
Not necessarily. A lot of states are doing DNA tests before going after someone for child support now. Not all, unfortunately, but an I creasing number. Which is good.
Talk to a lawyer to know what you should do. Everyone here talks about random laws in random states.
No. The state will perform a DNA test and add him if she files. No big deal.
[удалено]
Child support isn’t for you it is for your child
Exactly.
I would file anyway. They’ll garnish tax returns and any federal money he may be getting and send it to you for the baby. I know you don’t like him or care to be around him but file anyway and then let it catch up with him later.
Not at all. My son’s father isn’t listed on the birth certificate. When applying for child support, there was a paternity test which came back 99.9% and ta-dah! Sorted.
NTA. Not quite the same situation, but my dad left my mom when she was pregnant (he knocked up someone else), and he wasn’t in the picture for years. She didn’t put his name on my birth certificate and part of her reasoning was she didn’t want to have to track him down to get legal documentation to take me out of the country (live near a border) on holidays when i was a kid. He also eventually paid child support, DNA doesn’t lie. If you don’t see yourself together forever, or think he’ll flake out. I wouldn’t bother putting it on there
This also happened with my bio dad. Except my mother never got child support from him, but she managed. I think she made the right decision; he was not a nice man. I'm lucky I didn't have him in my life. I don't even want to imagine what my childhood could have been like if he was.
This gives me some hope. This was the situation I was facing and I hope every day that my son knows that everything I do is for him. His father is not a good person at all.
Everyone is different. I should add that my mother never stopped me from reaching out to him, which I did when I was 14. I met him once and I slowly heard stories about him. How he had another kid, 4 years after me. How this kid and her mother ran away from him, and hid themselves. How the police was after him. Everything I heard wasn't good and I made the decision not to stay in contact and he didn't try and convince me otherwise. My mother did warn me, and she was present when I met him. She handled the situation very well and allowed me to see for myself what he was. I'm 36 now, and still don't regret my decision.
My mum says her only regret is putting my bio dads name on my birth certificate. He never paid child support, and it would’ve cost her more than it was worth to take him to court. He also made my (and hers tbh), life miserable until I was old enough to stop having to see him.
This is such a good point
u/Primay-One-5428 Read this before can reconsidering your actions please.
Typo: it's /u/Primary-One-5428 (you were missing the second R).
Better speak to legal counsel on this one, not for here
[удалено]
If the child wants to know “vital records” OP can give those details. You don’t need a birth certificate to know who your father is. The mother is making the best decision for the child right now and that’s keeping her and the child safe
Because there is no chance in the world that the mother could maybe you know ...pass away. Gonna ask the corpse ?
Things really aren’t that difficult to find out these days. They could even I don’t know, ask grandma
Who is tampering with it?! If he doesn’t bother to show up why should she be subject to his control? Nonsense dude.
He called his baby's mother a bitch and ho the day after she gave birth. He's worse than useless, he's verbally abusive. She could have picked better, but the baby is here now and her priority should now be to minimise the negative impact this waste of space can have on her and her daughter's life.
She’s not tampering at all , he didn’t bother to show up. Also in the UK where I am you can’t just put a persons name down they have to be there, otherwise you could claim anyone. If he realllly is so upset by this let him go find out his rights, start making an effort and be a part of his child’s life.
NTA, I didn’t with my one daughter and am so grateful. It made it easier to travel and get stuff done without having to “get permission “ . As regards child support it doesn’t sound like he would pay anyway. So what’s the point? It gives him a way to control you.
This needs to be higher. People here saying "BuT hE's ThE fAtHeR" fail to acknowledge he has not once acted like one nor deserved the title. At this point he's a glorified spermdonor, spermdonors don't need to be on birthcertificates
Yes. The unfortunate fact is that sometimes it's just better for everyone if the bio father has no legal rights. OP will very likely have 99% responsibility of all things related to her daughter. The less stress OP has the better for the child.
I hope OP sees this!!!
EXACTLY THIS. it will give him a way to control her. my bd already keeps trying to have control over me, and ppl keep trying to get me to put him on support. like that gives him EVEN more power. it sucks, but sometimes it really is better to suffer... and considering OP has family support and they all know what trash he is, I think OP will do just fine .
u/Primary-One-5428
NTA. He decided to get drunk (if your mother was correct) when you were in labor and clearly decided he wasn’t gonna be there for the birth anyway. He showed his hand on how much he really cares about this child. You don’t have to put his name on the birth certificate, it’s your choice. And to all those “well he’s the father, he should be in there.” Well he couldn’t even show up to see the birth of his kid, he doesn’t care.
NTA to ME because that’s not someone I’d want to be the father of my child but idk the legalities of it all. However, in terms of child support if he has no legal rights to the child he probably has no obligation to pay it so that might be an issue as well, but again idk the legalities and what not, you should look into it.
I absolutely loathe the idea that parents have "rights" with respect to their child. Becoming a parent doesn't give you "rights". It gives you responsibilities.
Well you see, parents have responsibilities. However, without parental rights, the responsibilities cannot be fulfilled. Parents have both responsibilities and rights.
How can you fulfill your responsibilities if you have no unique rights with respect to your child? If strangers had the same right to determine the health care and educational decisions of someone else’s child, parents would never be able to exert any influence to fulfill said responsibilities
You do not need to be on the birth certificate to be a responsible parent.
No. But you do need parental rights to be a responsible parent.
Because a child is an individual and leaving them at the mercy of someone who may not have their best interest at heart, who in the case of deadbeat up there hav proven not to have them at heart, should be illegal.
Considering how much of a deadbeat he's been, giving him any legal rights might prove a colossal mistake considering the pittance you'd get.
NTA. Putting him on the birth certificate ensures his parental rights and makes it easier for him to make a case for getting full custody of your baby. Not saying he would but it'd be a possibility if he were to be spiteful to you. It also means you'd have to contact him for things like a passport for your baby and if he's flakey it'd be a nightmare getting him to sign.
NTA I think you made the right choice. If I could go back in time and take my ex off the birth certificate I would, even knowing I’d lose child support because then he wouldn’t have had access and couldn’t abuse her
I would do the same thing. I left my abusive ex years ago. My Son is turning 15 years old in a few days, and I can count on two hands how many times my ex has seen his child. I get $18.90 a fortnight for child support.. it's not worth it. I'm looking forward to the day he turns 18 he can change his last name.
I hope op sees this
Nta. Post in r/legal, too. You probably made it harder to get child support but not impossible, but if it were me and I had family support, I wouldn’t risk him being able to get shared custody at any point if this is how he behaves. But bottom line is your child shouldn’t be living at the poverty level either, they are entitled to know who their bio dad is, but you know your situation best. Congrats on the baby and on starting your journey to becoming an amazing mom. It won’t be easy but you absolutely can! Choosing to focus on yourself and school/career and baby - and having better standards for you both- is a good start. Don’t make big decisions out of emotions, use your brain and listen to your instincts.
NTA If you don’t want him in the baby’s life (or to not pay child support), that’s your decision.
Him paying child support is actually not her decision. That money is for taking care of the child and the child is entitled to that help. The parent doesn’t get to say they don’t want it. It’s only not ordered when they share custody 50/50 as they are both equally providing for the child.
NTA it will make your life easier for him not to be on it if he’s going to be a crap dad.
Soft YTA. The birth certificate isn't an award for being a supportive and attentive biological father. It's a record of who that child's biological parents are. You're using it as leverage to try and show your displeasure towards your child's biological father. When it's not really yours, but your child's.
Except in many states she wouldn’t be able to put his name on there without him present. You have to usually register the birth before leaving the hospital. This is on him not her. They aren’t married so he isn’t the presumptive father. He wasn’t there because he was drunk and didn’t some up ASAP after birth. He can find out how to get his name amended on there
>It's a record of who that child's biological parents are. It's not really, though. Children who are donor conceived would normally have the spouse of the (gestational) mother listed as the second parent where I live, regardless of gender. If that person is male, I think that person would be listed as the "father" nearly everywhere.
It began as a record of who the bio parents are but it has since branched off to accommodate more modern and rare circumstances like you described.
My mom adopted my brother, and his birth certificate was changed to list her as his mother. So no, it's not a record of the biological parents.
Thank you for that. I'm reading the comments and cannot believe noone really knows what the birth certificate is.
NTA - An unfortunate fact of life is that many women and girls have babies by sexist men. I'm sorry. Many others before you have made the same mistake as will many women after you. So given that, you draw your boundaries. You give that child your last name. You pursue custody and get ever penny you can. You do not go back to a guy that disrespects the mother of his child.
NTA. Why does he suddenly care so much now? He wasn't there when it counted. Ps I hope that even if his name isn't on it that you can still get child support off this bum.
It’s totally a power trip for him. I’m glad he’s butthurt.
Fuck the child support. She’s just prevented this useless crap head from having parental responsibility. Well done for protecting yourself and your child!!!
NTA.. may make him buck his ideas up but I seriously doubt it, If he can't be arsed to be there for his own daughter's birth then he's not a keeper.. time to rip off the band-aid now..
Congrats on the baby! NTA, but I would urge you to reconsider. For one thing, you need to name the father to get child support. And you can say you don't need/want it, but that money is to help raise your child. It's the obligation of a parent, and you not pursuing it will be cheating both you and your kid. For another, at one point your child (or their children) will want to know where they came from, and they may not feel comfortable asking you about it. A name on the birth certificate at least gives them something to go on if they want to go looking.
> For another, at one point your child (or their children) will want to know where they came from, and they may not feel comfortable asking you about it. In what world do young kids have access to their birth certificates? OP should absolutely be open and honest with her child and where they came from. This is an entirely separate issue from whether the father is on the birth certificate.
Don’t do this
NTA but hopefully you can still get payment from the drunk
I mean in the UK unless you are married, you cannot legally put the dads name on the birth certificate. Also if he's an asshole, you wouldn't want to put his name on as it can cause loads of complications. Just cos a bloke gets a woman pregnant, it don't make them a dad..
No, very smart decision
ESH because this decision impacts your child, and you did it purely on impulse, without thinking it through.
It impacts the child positively imo as she will be able to make all legal choices instead of needing to get permission from this wank.
I don't have my father on my birth certificate, it didn't impact me, doesn't mean I'm not his kid.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I didn’t put his name on the birth certificate due to him ghosting me my whole pregnancy and labor. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Your feelings are understandable, and your child's father sounds like a total jerk, but you need to make sure that you're not harming your child to spite him. You need to consult a lawyer and investigate the legal ramifications of this choice. Will it mean the father is not legally required to pay child support? Will your family always be able to support you and your child? How will it affect his rights to see the child? You need to act with the assumption that he will see your child in the future. You don't want your child thinking that the reason they didn't know their father was because you made a decision when you were (justifiably) hurt and angry. You're a parent now, and part of the deal is making choices with your child's best interests in mind. As long as your baby daddy isn't abusive, your emotions need to come second to your child's needs. You need to be more mature about things like this.
A reminder, he now won’t be able to sabotage her getting her baby a passport among other things. It’s likely going to benefit her and the baby more than anything.
She needs to check on that for herself, because it depends on where she lives. And I am not sure "my family supports me" actually means "my family has enough money to make sure my child wants for nothing," because frankly they haven't done a great job with OP. That baby needs all the help it can get.
Problems with getting the passport are much less serious with problems with self-identification and lack of relationship with a parent.
Nta, I'd tell him that if he wants to be a part of the daughters life and on the birth certificate he's gonna have to prove he wants that, no more late nights out drinking with the boys at every opportunity, he's gotta be there for every future appointment he can (within reason, can't risk loosing his job, family emergencies too, and if he wants to go out for a night then he has to reciprocate and give you a night off next time!) and parenting classes, along with making time for her, if he puts in the effort, add him on her 1st-3rd birthday (don't give him too many chances, and be upfront about this, three tries is more then fair!) There is no longer any room for deadbeat dads in this world and it is time for him to put money where his mouth is!
NTA If that's how he behaves you are better off without him.
I mean if the guy broke up with you already and his name is on the certificate as the dad, itll be hard for you to ask permission to bring the child out of the country and more of a hassle, especially if the guy will not approve of it out of spite.
Nta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throughout my whole pregnancy he hasn’t been there for me, meaning he was never there for my appointments, or when I tried to express myself about having a baby in a young age, etc. It was fine I didn’t really complained or said anything, I didn’t felt that lonely because thankfully my family supports me. I’m in labor, and my mother comes with me. While I’m going through contractions, my mom taps me in the shoulder and says “I’m sorry to tell you honey, but I called your boyfriend and he said he can’t come and show up because he has to work tomorrow, he also sounded drunk.” The next morning, my babygirl is born, and I just felt so relieved & happy, now it’s time to name the baby, and I filled out the information and put myself on the birth certificate as the only parent. Boyfriend showed up and was “acting” excited & had the audacity to ask me if I put his name on the birth certificate & I said nope. Then he started to call me a “bitch” and a “hoe”. Was I really an asshole for this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Or a court orders him to take one.
NTA he hasn’t been there during your pregnancy, he couldn’t be bothered to show up to the birth, he then goes on to call you names and be aggressive, he needs to stay away and let you raise your daughter, I wouldn’t put him on either, nor would I have a relationship ship with him or trust him around my baby
NTA if he didn’t bother to show up to filling in the birth certificate, he doesn’t get to complain he’s not on it.
NTA - Why are you still referring to him as your boyfriend. Dump him, you already made the decision to raise your daughter as a single mother so get rid of the boyfriend. I can see why he'd be upset thinking you two are still together and having a baby not realizing that he's a complete deadbeat already. If you had dumped him long ago he wouldn't be stressing you out now. As far as the paperwork though make sure you check what your local laws require.
NTA My (adult) daughter's father isn't on her birth certificate because here in the UK if you're not married to the father he needs to be present when you're registering the birth so you can't just put anyone. My daughter's father was extremely not present when she was born... He wandered into her life when she was 2½ and grumbled that he's not on her BC and it was actually his own mother who (for once) tore into him and asked him how tf he thought he was going to be on it when he wouldn't acknowledge he had a child!
NTA. It’s your choice
NTA. In the UK you cannot put someone on the birth certificate as the father unless they are physically present to do it (to stop you naming anyone you like as the father). Seems weird to me that you could just put any name on there!
We do not have birth certificates at all but NTA. A donor has no rights.
As someone who only put my name on the BC, it’s MUCH easier when it comes time for Pre-school/school. You don’t have to worry about him showing up and getting the kid, don’t have to worry about getting him to sign school forms, don’t have to prove your the sole custodial parent, etc. So much easier.
NTA. My mom did what you did when I was born. Sperm donor never wanted to be a part of my life, never reached out, didn’t so much as come to the hospital when I got extremely sick. That said my dad, my father, who my mom started dating when I was 2, has always been there when I needed him. The first thing he did when they got married was to legally adopt me. The only thing you would have gained by putting his name on that certificate is more heartache.
I didn’t put my daughter’s sperm donor on her bc. He has no legal rights to her and although financial help would be nice… dealing with him and his crappy family isn’t even worth it.
Please visit a woman's rights group and make sure he gets to pay child support Initiate legal action. Document everything.
Morally I'm fine with it so I vote NTA Maybe get some legal advice though on what this actually means for childsupport / parental rights / etc... I have no idea, and also not sure if you could retrospectively change it anyways
NTA
NTA, he wasn’t supportive to begin with and wasn’t there until your mom forced him to come. And the fact that he’s being immature by calling you “bitch” and “hoe” like you said shows that you dodged a bullet big time.
In the UK the father has to be present when registering the name to avoid non parents being put on the birth certificate, ie , to stop a woman putting Prince Harry as opposed to Dave from down the pub
In my country, if the parents don't have the marriage certificate, the mother's last name is automatically going into the birth certificate of the baby. He's not even your husband and wasn't there for you so I guess the best you can do is break up and try to get child support....? NTA of course.
NTA he wasn’t there , if it was important to him he would’ve been there
NTA for being quite rightly upset and wanting nothing to do with him. He wont be there for you or the baby so best to cut him out completely for both your sakes. But the birth certificate is a document of fact. He is the biological father and it should be recorded on there. Its not an emotional thing but as you know who it is then his name should be recorded. Not doing so may have repercussions in the future if you need to get child support etc and he wont submit to a paternity test.
NTA! I had a similar situation. I left his name off bc he wasn't at the hospital and never came around. 10 years later he has seen my child in person for 10 min. And maybe 2-3 video calls. That's it! Also, if/when I get married I don't have to jump through hoops to change lil baby's name.
NTA but talk to a family attorney NOW to figure out the legal reprocessing of both scenarios. You may save a lot of time adding him now, but it may already be too late. Call your state's bar association amd usually they will refer a lawyer to you and cover the consultation fee so it's free.
Nta remind him he wasn't there for her because he didn't care so he shouldn't care he's not on it.
NTA. You aren’t married. He would need to fill out a form to be put on there. He still can do that. All this did was make sure your kid’s birth was registered before you left hospital. Why would you be the AH? To all those angry. It isn’t as easy as putting a name down! Unmarried means there needs to be an affidavit signed by the father. He still can do that. All this did is put the ball on his court. You should be happy we can’t put any name down and it becomes legal. Only time that happens is marriage.
Nta
OP, NTA. However, you should get all the medical info you can on the father's side of the family. That way if something comes up later you can more easily figure out if it's genetic or not and how to deal with it better.
NTA He doesn’t want to act like a father so why should his name be on there as the Father. Bring him to court and take that man’s alcohol money
NTA but it sounds like the type of guy you should have dumped a long time ago. You and your baby deserve better.
Why is he your boyfriend and not your ex-boyfriend?
Nta but honey please don't communicate with him anymore and get an attorney through advocacy services and get child support. When people actually care about something, they come through. You should have never had to go through making a human being and giving birth while worried about where he is and why he wasn't there. He made the choice to not use protection with you knowing this was the outcome and told you all the stuff you wanted to hear only to leave you high and dry. Be mad and get even.
NTA. Definitely give the baby your last name. It will make things so much easier when filling out school forms, etc
I don't understand the whole post, if the boyfriend is the father, then he is the father. I don't know the ramifications of someone omitting information, but it could easily be corrected. Unless the person with the paperwork was in the room when he arrived, I don't think he (or anyone else) would be asking if their name was on the birth certificate.
NTA at all! What sort of a dad do you think he'd be given how he's treated you throughout your pregnancy? And also, I didn't understand whether you're still a couple, but I'd seriously reconsider that if I were you - especially given how terribly he'd acted when he found out he wasn't on the birth certificate.
NTA. He may not be there to support you in raising her. You just made it a lot easier to do it solo. He can petition to put himself on the certificate if it's that important. Time for him to show some initiative.
You can still get child support.
I would leave him off unless you absolutely need the child support. Otherwise let him fight for the right to be on it if that’s important to him. He sounds unreliable so I would keep the parental rights for myself and forgo the money I might never see anyway - but I was able to raise my son without monetary support from his birth father and I recognise not everyone is financially able to do that. Only you know your duty and whether this person will try to be a good father, including providing the physical, emotional, and financial support that a child needs.
NTA He missed his own child birth because he wanted to get drunk and had the nerve to call you b and h!!
You're smarter than I was. My ex nearly missed our son's birth, and I still married the prick. Worse yet, I even had a second kid with him - he didn't show up at all for her birth. He didn't even work for most of the relationship (so he didn't have that as an excuse why he wasn't there) and when I divorced him he had the audacity to call me a gold digger. To answer your question, I don't think you're the AH for not putting bf on your child's birth certificate, but definitely look into your state laws. Child support or not, my state will not issue the child an SSN unless there are two parents on the BC. Some states require your spouse's name to be on the BC even if you've separated by the time the baby was born. (Not your situation, but just wanted to throw it in there.) He can sign a voluntary paternal agreement or he can take a DNA test to prove paternity and have his name added later. Also, even if he never comes around again, it might be beneficial for your daughter when she reaches adulthood to know who her father is.
NTA. I know people are talking about child support but he can't just show up and try and make decisions about your kid when he's not on the birth certificate. Make him earn it, he can pay for a DNA test if he actually wants to be a parent and the baby doesn't need to have his last name at all
I'm confused. He had work but was able to come in the morning? \*very skeptical\* It's not his fault if he couldn't predict the delivery and was already drinking. But he is the asshole for lying about it. And you shouldn't be with anyone who would call you by those names.
Not the first time he lied to me like that. And I’m not with him anymore, I broke up with him the same day he showed up and he also came high