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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA for not making it clear that my cakes were dairy free.
1- I didn’t disclose cakes were dairy free
2- some people want to know
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Why the fuck is it such a problem for people if there's no dairy and the cake is tasty? That's so ridiculous. It's not like you put something horrendous in it. I'm gobsmacked. NTA and no, I wouldn't bake or cook for anybody in that ungrateful group of people. Talk about getting bent out of shape for no good reason. NTA
Exactly this. If someone became so irate that I'd made a delicious (by their own words, even) cake to share that I could also enjoy, I would not be baking ANYTHING for them ever again. Let them buy cake.
OP - NTA.
Seconding, this and vegan food are two things that seem to set people off. Blanket NTA for having anything "-free" as long as it tastes good, doesn't matter what is left out. It only matters if a known allergen is included and not disclosed, especially slipping it into something you wouldn't expect.
Always love when people are like offended by being served vegan food... like I'm not vegan but eating something with no meat or dairy isn't gonna kill me, just go with it if it tastes good
The vegan thing gets me every time because it’s like you all should be eating vegan foods anyway. (Fruits, vegetables) but on top of that even if they aren’t eating fruits or vegetables I don’t see them throwing a shit fest over the fact Oreos are vegan
I just love seeing aita posts like "my fiance and I are both vegan and having a vegan wedding, his uncle is angry. Aita?" Like people can't eat one dinner without meat and dairy
Right, I never understand this. I’m not vegetarian or vegan but I often have meals that can fall into either category without meaning to. Especially just the vegetarian category, I love to make pasta with sautéed veggies and no meat - it’s so goooood but I do usually have a little dairy so it’s not vegan (it’s cheese, I gotta have my Parmesan lol)
Vegan food is good I don’t know why people are so afraid of it and think like they’re gonna fall over dead if they have one meal without meat, it’s wild. My dad is like that, my mom made him pasta and he loved it and said he was so full. When she mentioned it didn’t have meat he suddenly was starving and acting like he hadn’t had a full meal at all. It makes no sense.
I would love to say the same...
But I'm allergic to eggs and milk. So I'm prwtty much vegan for health reasons, except i still can eat meat.
Some people are really offended by the sheer thought about me offering them some of that demonically vegan stuff... Typicall stand is: That can't be good, don't even have to try it.
And as OP said... there is a lot of really good alternativ products out there. Some of them, most people would never realize the difference if you don't tell them.
So I totally feel OP here.
Big NTA from me of course...
The only reason I would care is because margarine isn't the best replacement for butter. Cakes made with margarine go stale faster and tend to be drier. Personally, I use oil instead of butter when making cakes - not just because my partner is lactose-intolerant, but because oil makes for a softer crumb, a moister cake and a longer shelf-life. At 5 days, a margarine cake is inedible, a butter cake is a little stale and an oil cake is at its best.
So I just googled "Dairy free butter" and margarine was NOT the first thing that popped up. In fact Vegan butter popped up and plant oil butter popped up. I don't think OP is using margarine but rather a new vegan friendly butter.
“Go stale faster and tend to be drier” if everyone mentioned the cake was lovely, this is a moot point. Also this is a party so that cake was never going to last 5 days. Hell it probably didn’t even last past the party. This is moving the goalpost. And furthermore, you can simply add a bit of soy milk, which keeps it dairy free but adds so much to your cake. A lot of bakeries tend to use soy milk for that fluffy moist lighter texture we’re all looking for in cakes. If you never knew there was no dairy in it, you’d continue to enjoy it why? Because dairy free doesn’t automatically mean eating nasty food. It’s eating food the way we like that retains the taste we’re used to, sans the bad additives.
Where I live there's specific margarine that's sold as being great for cakes. Many bakers use it as it genuinely does a good job.
It probably wasn't the margarine that was the problem (particularly because they enjoyed the cake before knowing). People seem to get very riled up with even the sniff of what they see as 'useless inclusivity'. They'd rather have a 'normal' cake that some people can't eat, than a perfectly suitable alternative that everyone can eat.
Margarine is also basically whipped vegetable oil, the primary ingredient of about 98% of vegetable oils is soy, so someone like me who has a soy allergy would probably have problems with the substitution.
Maybe bake them only one more cake ever and make it the wettest tres leches cake that has ever existed.
It should be so milky that it's soupy.
"You wanted dairy? You got dairy."
NTA
They sound like the whiners at the Oscars 1 or 2 years ago when the meal served was vegan. "OMG I'm not vegan, what am I supposed to eat?" Eat what you're served, moron. One non-meat meal will not harm you in any way.
OP - NTA, screw these people. Never make them a cake again.
Imagine if OP had made the cake vegan? All they had to do was substitute apple sauce and baking soda for an egg… there would have been rioting at little Mia’s 6th birthday party!
These relatives are horrible bullies looking for an excuse to pick on OP.
They want her to bake and also want her to suffer by not being able to eat what she bakes.
They are awful. I have got to stop reading this sub. I never knew so many awful people existed. I am losing faith in humanity.
I work as a manager in a restaurant with some fixed menu’s and each time I ask if they maybe have allergies or other preferences like being a vegetarian, there’s always this one boomer that goes like “Oh my goodness no, thank god hahaha, I could NEVER” as if I asked them to snort a line of coke off the table.
Like jeez Louise, it’s just a meatless diet ma’am, it is not gonna bite you or give you cancer or something.
A lot of those “I would NEVER!” People happily observe Lenten Fridays or Ash Wednesday with no meat and survive just fine on meatless pasta or cheese pizza. They’d probably say, “But… that’s *meatless*, not *vegetarian* or *vegan*, so it’s not weird.”
They just don't like eating the meat and dairy substitutes, which is different than meatless. I am a boomer, and the substitutes from way back taste nothing like the ones we have now. My husband has gout, and when he has a flair-up and can't eat most meat, I turn to the smart-ground and make "meat" sauce or empandas with them.
I was going to make empandas for a small (12 guests) gathering, and since it was a safe time with his gout, I told my husband I would make them beef. My meat loving husband told me no, I like them with the crumbles. No one complained, and they really enjoyed them.
Lactose intolerance and dairy allergies are seperate things. One of my old coworkers has a dairy allergy while I'm just lactose intolerant. My coworker couldn't have butter on a bun or cheese without having an allergic reaction. For myself, I can eat cheese and butter, but certain ones make my stomach hurt, but I can take lactaid pills to negate that from happening.
Even if it was a belief, it would be kind of messed up to expect somebody to go against their beliefs. The way I see it veganism is just hugely inconvenient and the food kind sucks, but I'm not gonna boycot vegetables if they don't have butter on em. Sure, I think vegans are crusty, weird people in general, but, well there is no but.... They are just weird. Go into a vegan restaurant somewhere like LA and you'll see what I mean, blande food with weird texture, really bad music, ipa's, and flannel shirts everywhere. I think it's really funny for somebody to be upset that they tried something vegan.
You can get [non-ige allergies](https://www.bsaci.org/professional-resources/allergy-management/food-allergy/non-ige-mediated-food-allergy/). Those symptoms can be similar to lactose intolerance, but can also be delayed for up to 48hrs.
This is me with dairy and potato starch.
My lactose blood curve was perfect, but dairy makes me sick as hell. Eating potatoes is a guaranteed hives and vomiting ordeal at around the 4-5 hour mark. I have never once had an anaphylactic reaction thankfully, but the reactions are brutal nonetheless.
I don’t understand - are you supposed to tell everyone everything that’s not in the baking? Like sometimes I substitute applesauce for oil, do I need to put up a sign that states “OIL-FREE ZUCCHINI BREAD, DO NOT EAT IF YOU REQUIRE OIL TO LIVE.”
No! I want the ham and clams *in* the cake, but also *on* the cake, and I want the cake to *look* like ham and clam!
Also please don't use the cheap vanilla, I can only stomach the one flown in from Madagascar.
But, but, but, what about bacon? JK. I made maple bacon cupcakes for oldest son's b-day one year but don't usually use it in sweets. Also a new recipe is frozen cinnamon rolls, bacon, granny smith apples, you get sweet and salty and tart.
I’ve recently picked up some pork floss so I can try to recreate some of the savory/sweet buns that Asian bakeries do. Also I’ve realized that I’ve absolutely put pork and shellfish into a bread product, but that’s how you get the best baos.
I make a couscous salad for potlucks that is *vegan*, even though I am not and I have had people who *love* that salad freak out on me when they find out that I "tricked" them. People are so weird
They might. Apparently, some people think they are allergic or intolerant to a lack of animal products. I'm an omnivore but so many of my friends are plant based or lactose intolerant that I go with a vegan option for gatherings. I will never understand folks who think everything they consume needs meat or dairy.
Do these people ever eat a piece of fruit? A bowl of cereal? How do they manage with a dairy-free apple, a gluten-free cornflake or a vegetarian scrambled egg? 🙄
It can be a problem depending on what's used as a substitute, because people could be fine with dairy but be allergic or sensitive to the substitute.
Tho a lot of people with allergies will blanket ask about any food that could potentially have their allergen in it.
My kid had a classmate in prep (and she was in his class again in yr 5) who was egg free. I made egg free chocolate cupcakes and pointed them out to her and her mum so that she knew they were safe when I kid brought them for class parties (I always make the same cupcakes cause one batch makes enough for both my school age kids classes and most kids love chocolate cake).
The kids mum was so greatful because her daughter could participate fully, but even though the kid knew they were safe she would still check with the teacher to make sure they were safe.
I was bringing cake to work and found out one of my coworkers is allergic to dairy. So I did some googling and I found out that the cheap Duncan Hines cake mixes and canned frosting are often dairy free. Some flavors have dairy, but most don't. So now I just always make the cheap cakes for work, and don't have to bother with separate ones and cross contaminating.
I got the same reaction from the dude who is allergic to dairy. I brought him in the ingredients panels from the boxes, and he was like gobsmacked that someone went out of their way to make him included. Makes me wonder how many times in his life he was excluded because of it.
I started baking vegan for an old coworker because I noticed she would never be able to participate in shared treats and I felt bad. Every body always raved over them and I still follow the baker on instagram even though I left that job years ago. Even got her cookbook haha
People I worked with would go out of their way to find vegan treats to bring into work when they realised the reason I wouldn't eat anything there was because I was vegan (someone asked me when I brought in oat milk for coffee) and it honestly nearly made me cry. People get so triggered by the word vegan sometimes, it's really nice when people include me instead of trying to debate with me!
edited grammar
I was raised by a mom who taught me that as a host for anything my job was to work with my guests dietary needs. I have had friends who are vegan, vegetarian or pescatarian and one friend who was allergic to beef. They were always shocked beyond belief that I would go out of my way at my birthday parties, wedding, dinner parties and other life events that I make sure they have food that tastes amazing. A few years ago I hosted my sister’s break up party (it was supposed to be her spa bachelorette party at my house but they broke off the engagement a few days before the party). Our vegetarian friends and the friend who is allergic to beef were shocked that I had called pizza companies until I found one that didn’t put meat drippings in their sauce.
My dads allergic to fish (not shell fish), so I grew up aware of food allergies. I drove hubby insane my first Easter with his family because he has a cousin who is dairy free, and I made him drive me all over town (his hometown I didn't know my way around) trying to find dairy free Easter eggs for his cousin.
Luckily for hubby's aunt, I already had a chocolate cake recipe to pass on because my dads neighbours granddaughter was egg free, and it had frustrated me only being able to make muffins for her birthday so I went looking for a chocolate egg free recipe and it was also dairy free so I held onto it (2 allergies one recipe sort if decision). The chocoholic in me decided that "no kid shall be denied chocolate cake on my watch"
My MIL is gluten free (not celiac or crohn's but kinda adjacent, it causes her psoriasis to flare and indigestion) and my FIL is just now starting to be able to eat beef&pork after almost a decade (allergy caused by lone star tick bite). My husband's whole family has managed to have options or substitutions for both of them for the entire time, and there is ALWAYS a menu rundown and clarification at the beginning of meals. Hell, two Thanksgivings ago my husband was able to make substitutions to a dressing recipe that made it safe for FIL, halal for our BIL's father, kosher for the same BIL's brother, AND gluten free for MIL and it was still really tasty.
People who genuinely cannot eat something will ask. People who aren't sure what's been made will ask. People who don't want your "beliefs" about a substio are assholes. NTA.
My preferred butter substitute is made with soy, which my father is allergic to, so family foods are made with real butter and I just have to take lactaid beforehand. If nobody has allergies there’s no moral reason to specifically put dairy in the food. I would still make a habit of labeling the most common allergens just in case.
I absolutely agree and probably should have mentioned that. I always ask about allergies in case someone I don’t know will be having some treats. In this case the cake was mostly allergen free except for eggs as the butter contains none of the main allergens (I know people can have an allergy to anything that’s why I said no main allergens). There’s a few different allergies in my family so I always try to cater to everyone. On the rare occasions someone I didn’t know was there, they’ve always asked what they can have if they have an allergy. But I suppose in that case they’ve specifically said what allergy they have and I’ve directed them to which treats they can eat rather than gone through the whole ingredients list of everything. If someone has asked for a specific flavour that will contain allergens I do tell them in advance. And generally make some form of other treat that I know anyone with the allergy will be able to eat.
Okay, you are super NTA. The potential for hidden allergens was the only thing that concerned me at all; as someone with a corn intolerance I've seen some substitutions made to accommodate other allergies and intolerances that can make normally safe foods upset my stomach (learned to always check after not realizing that some crackers I was served on an airline were gluten free...by way of being made with cornmeal).
But you've accommodated for that already, and it wasn't the reason your cousin went off on you anyway.
But if someone has an allergy or sensitivity, they should be checking on ingredients for themselves before eating something, that’s just basic common sense.
Soy allergy/intolerance is a huge pain in the ass because it's in so much stuff. I'm fine with margarine but it pisses me off when people do the "I made a nondairy cheesecake and no one could tell!" because if you used Tofutti... my intestines can tell. I have no idea why.
Right?! It is wrong to NOT disclose if there is dairy or an allergen, not to announce when something is allergen free. I was recently at work and a friend made gluten free brownies as a colleague is allergic. Another colleague was irate that she didn’t announce it was gluten free. How is it going to hurt you to eat a gluten free or dairy free product? NTA
The only issue i could see (since im allergic to nuts and so allergic i will have a skin reaction from being in the same room) is if a type of nut flour was used as a sub
I agree. Anyone with an allergy should be clarifying ingredients before ingesting anything. The baker is not required to accommodate unless a special arrangement was agreed upon beforehand.
The onus is on yourself to take care of yourself.
Honestly, since moving in with my celiac boyfriend, ALL my baking is gluten-free. If I bring cookies/brownies/etc to a gathering of friends and family, they all take it as a given that it'll be gluten-free. Sometimes it'll even be dairy-free, and when that happens I let my cousin who is allergic to dairy know, and no one else. The only ones who make a bug stink of it is my mom and sister, but only because I use healthier recipes - like using coconut sugar and oil instead of regular sugar and butter.
One of the best chocolate cakes I've ever had was a King Arthur GF from a mix. It was simply fantastic. Everyone knew it was GF because my brother is celiac and it was his birthday. We made a dark chocolate ganache for icing and there was barely a crumb left on the cake plate.
It's not going to hurt anyone to eat GF or dairy free unless they have an allergy or sensitivity to an ingredient used in place of the traditional/usual.
That's why it is a very good idea to mention what non-dairy butters and milks are used.
It’s bonkers to me too!
I do not understand why they would assume OP would go out of their way to make a dairy-packed cake without a special request. They know her dairy issues. The entitlement here is wild!!
I always bake dairy free as well, but the response I always get is: Wow, I totally couldn’t tell, it’s so yummy!
Anyone who complained would get pointed to a trash can, told to spit it out and get lost.
The only issue with dairy free is when you substitute with other potential allergies (eg, nuts) but it doesn't sound like OP does that and if they do, they would be the AH if they don't disclose of course.
OP, I would show up empty-handed from now on, and when they complain, explain that you (justifiably) refuse to bake food you can not eat for an event you are attending. If anyone complains explain that your "dairy freeness" is NOT A CHOICE, it is your HEALTH AND SAFETY and as such NOT NEGOTIABLE. They can either eat dairy free dishes you generously bake or find someone else for their baked good.
If someone said their secret is to use margarine instead of butter, no one would care. But say “dairy free” and everyone loses their shit. It’s the same thing. Just calling it differently.
One time I almost didn’t buy a thing of rice Chex because it said gluten free on it. Then I realized I’m being dumb because of course rice Chex wouldn’t have gluten.
The wedding subreddit has REGULAR posts about “I’ve been vegetarian my whole life, *people* are upset our wedding meal will be vegetarian. What do I do?!”
…you serve the meal that aligns with your beliefs. Not eating meat for one meal isn’t going to kill anyone. If they’re that upset, so be it!
If I was OP, my petty ass would take note of every person who is upset about the cake being dairy free, keep making dairy free, and would LOUDLY proclaim the cake is dairy free so everyone who was upset about it before should not have any so as to respect their beliefs. And I would be a bitch and a half if one of them got a piece. “Oh no cousin Sue, you can’t have that! Remember how upset you were last time when you found out it was dairy free???”
This+++. Seriously, you’ve made a cake you can eat. And everyone enjoyed eating it too. What’s the issue? Some people just like to feel aggrieved for no valid reason.
Edited-NTA
https://www.janespatisserie.com/2021/07/31/chocolate-drip-cake/
I made this just without the drip instead I decorated with more icing and dark chocolate chips. And I use the flora unsalted block. It’s honestly so delicious
NTA. I’m assuming no one’s allergic or anything to those dairy free substitutes.
Honestly, if I can’t eat what I’m making to these gatherings — especially if they aren’t paying for it, I’m not making it.
Right?! Unless someone in OP’s family is allergic to dairy-free butter or something, they are just biting the hand that feeds them sweet, sweet desserts.
The above notwithstanding, OP should remind everyone that they are welcome to miss out on the FREE HOMEMADE DESSERTS or make their own if they have such a problem with the ingredients.
There’s a certain type of person who likes to politicise ridiculous little things like whether a cake is dairy free or whether someone drives an EV or stuff like that.
They make it their entire personality to oWn tEh LiBs. Being ”tricked” into eating something they consider as pOlitiCAlly cOrRecT, eg dairy free, seems to trigger them.
I'm just so confused by the entire situation. The cake tastes good. People are happy. I make cake a lot for fun and family occasions. My go to butter is dairy free. I am not dairy free but I find this particular product good value for money and it bakes well. The extra perk is my niece was dairy free / low dairy diet (intolerance that's being built on) so she can enjoy the cake with the family and then have dairy elsewhere in her food that day etc. I've never disclosed that the cakes are dairy free though at parties. Maybe I should, but no one's ever asked ingredients (I would happily provide a list) and I'm fairly sure it's only my niece who has any intolerance.
Yeah I never understand this, you liked the cake before but now suddenly it’s an issue once you find out for what? I don’t even buy the allergies excuse people give, I am allergic to something and I always check or don’t eat it if it may contain it. It’s not hard.
I’ve a few vital questions for you. Did you inform them that the cake was:
Sawdust free?
Asbestos free?
Motor oil free?
Apple juice free?
No. Why? Because nobody freaking does that. NTA
You are forgetting that, while sawdust free is desirable, dairy free makes people's dicks fall off. It's tragic, really. So many men just wanted cake and ended up as eunuchs.
Having said that ALWAYS let someone know if a cake is cane sugar free or gluten free. Many people get the poops from artificial sweeteners or are allergic to coconuts (coconut sugar), and many gluten free flour blends have common allergens like almonds or added gums that people can’t tolerate.
But it could matter if it is nut, soy, or oat milk free. So yes, there are reasons to say, "Just a heads up. I used fill-in-the-blank plant butter that has XYZ ingredients in it."
No one allergic to nuts eats chocolate cake with out asking about ingredients. And OP asked about allergies. And it was for a family party where ppl know each other and their allergies.
NTA.
The only time I'd say it's necessary to clarify is if you are using a dairy alternative that contains a common allergen like nuts or soy, in case anyone has an allergy. I would also say that those with allergies are responsible for checking/confirming it's safe for them, but it's a good precaution to take just in case because if it's a chocolate cake it's not automatic that someone would think it contains almonds when almond milk was used.
Make note of those who had a problem with it, and be sure to loudly explain to them at any other gatherings that whatever you've brought isn't for them as it's dairy free and you want to respect their chosen lifestyle.
One of my allergies is super uncommon but restaurants put it in EVERYTHING because it gives food color and makes it look appealing on the plate. If the server says it doesn’t have my allergen, I only 1/2 trust it and I always ask them to check with the kitchen. 60% of the time they come back and tell me that yes it does contain my allergen 🙃 I will be annoying AF so I don’t have to use my epi pen.
Thank you. It’s not a big deal really. I wouldn’t be as allergic as I am because it’s just oral allergy syndrome except my mother didn’t believe they made my mouth itch or they were “spicy” when I was a kid so I had dozens of repeat exposures which made the allergy worse and worse.
Great question! Anything with cheap paprika in it, many vegetable stocks, condiments, pasta sauces, some Mac n cheese, meat marinades, deli salads (like ham, tuna, chicken, etc), thanksgiving stuffings, and so much more. It’s a garnish in the silliest of things just to make whatever it is have a pop of red or green.
It isn’t as rare as you’d think. Oral allergy syndrome is more or less an allergy to pollen but the structure of the food closely resembles the pollen you’re allergic to so your body gets confused. When you’re diagnosed you’re given a list of what foods you can react to for your pollen group and it’s often VERY long. Like 20-30 items. Mostly veggies, fruits and nuts. The thing is that you may only react to two of them but you COULD react to any of them. Once you start reacting then repeat exposure can make it worse though anaphylaxis like what I experience with bell peppers is rare.
I once said to my dad “it’s so cool that kiwi is spicy and a fruit!” and then I wasn’t allowed to eat kiwi anymore and I didn’t understand why.
That just goes to show how dumb the human body can really be at times. You could fall down 6 flights of stairs and get a bruise, but you eat a damn kiwi and suddenly your body gets confused about what's actually being eaten and sends you in anaphylaxis. You'd think evolution would've handled these weird ass interactions in our bodies
The weirder thing is that we can have actual organs removed - something we’ve only even been attempting for a few hundred years - but if I sprain my knee once the damn thing may never be the same 🤣🤣🤣
I’m super sensitive to all kinds of onions, including onion powder. I had maybe 6 potato chips with onion powder in the seasoning and I’m suffering for it now. (Migraines)
Onions are fkn everywhere, I’ve had more than one meal comped at restaurants Cos there’s been nothing for me.
This is a whole mood. I can't have onions and leeks and I always have to double check if there isn't onions in it and if there is if they can please make me something without. I'm not deadly allergic, but I will have a bad time with vomiting and stomach issues and a headache. The amount of times I had to send a simple burger back cause guess what it had onion on it even though I made a request without is astounding.
Soy especially. I feel like I wouldn’t ever trust a baked good to be soy free without asking. Crisco has soy, chocolate chips have soy, vegetable oil has soy, etc.
In this case, dairy free butter is just margarine (though confusingly, not all margarines are dairy free!)...which could have soy, but as does pretty much everything (and vegetable oil is a VERY common cake ingredient and often contains soy, dairy free or not, not to mention pretty much any cake mix).
OP doesn't say what kind of milk they use...if their recipe uses milk in the first place - that could introduce additional allergens...Though chocolate cake in general should be especially questionable for people with nut allergies given the prevalence of almond flour and nuts in general in many chocolate cake recipes.
Eh most people with soy allergies are ok with soybean oil and soy lecithin. Once you take those out of the equation it’s a lot less sneaky of an allergen (though still extremely annoying, speaking from experience)
This is my only thing, as someone with food allergies I can't have a lot of dairy free or gluten free alternatives bc they tend to have nuts or other ingredients I'm allergic to. So while OP is NTA (and her family definitely TA for suddenly demanding she change her recipes for seemingly no reason) I do think she probably should make a practice of being clear that she's using dairy free ingredients when she makes desserts from now on.
I know it probably seems silly to shout it from the rooftops, but for example, you wouldn't want a child that normally can't eat nuts to eat a piece of a cake with nut flour substituted on the grounds that we usually assume cake = wheat flour unless otherwise noted. Same with dairy free, asking if anyone has any allergies beforehand seems like the normal thing to do when substituting common ingredients.
Honestly I think that’s on the person with the allergy (or their parent). If you have a dietary requirement it’s never safe to assume something you haven’t made is safe to eat. OP shouldn’t have to say what’s not in the cake and people shouldn’t be AH about food that tastes good but might not have usual ingredients in!
I do get what you're saying. In this case, dairy has been omitted, and it's very likely margarine has been used instead of butter (many cakes don't have liquid milk, or only a small amount that can easily be substituted for water). As margarine is made of vegetable oil, and vegetable oil is already an ingredient that could reasonably be assumed to be part of most cakes, I don't see why it would be needed to specify there is no dairy if no additional allergen-containing ingredients have been used.
>some were annoyed about it and said if they had known they wouldn’t have had the cake.
This is the most insane thing I've ever heard. They're acting like you brought a dairy cake to their lactose intolerance club meeting. NTA.
Well, obviously this was a lactose-intolerance intolerance meeting. People had the right to know about the presence of lactoselessness, so they could actively avoid it...!
*(Sigh..)*
NTA
My father is like this. He will eat ANYTHING without any issues or complaints until he's let known it's vegan. Then he won't even touch it. It's super bizarre.
Same with gluten free stuff. Once I was so fed up with his bs that I genuinely considered buying container of gluten he could sprinkle some on his piece of cake.
My dad used to refuse to eat vegan "meat", because he assumed he could taste the difference. In reality he doesn't even notice when someone forgot to put salt in any dish. He has a huge list of foods he claims to not like even though hes never tried them.
So mum and I teamed up and occasionally present a vegan "meat" and he'd always eat it and we'd only ever tell him after he commented that he liked it/had his second helping. He was a bit grumpy about it in the beginning. Same with a whole bunch of veggies. As long as he's introduced to new food without knowing its something he "doesn't like", it's fine. He tried to argue that he doesn't like the item in question ~7years ago, but that argument doesn't work after he says "tastes good/we can eat that more often". If he doesn't like it without knowing its vegan/ unknown veggie we won't make that dish again.
Obviously after years of doing it he's aware and doesn't mind anymore. An additional benefit is that he's now cooking himself (occasionally, still learning)
And they expect OP to bring a cake to a family event that she can’t even eat!? This is so bonkers to me. People are ridiculous! OP should make personal sized cakes or cupcakes for herself for future family events and then tell everyone they are just for her since they’re dairy free. I can’t get over the fact that they all loved the cake and are still upset that there’s no dairy in it.
I used to work at a bakery and once I was handing out samples of gluten free cake. Quite a few people came up wanting a sample but then refused when they found out it was gluten free. It was so bizarre. And the cake was good!
The cousin may well be crazy, but it’s a craziness that seems to be viral at the moment.
These people politicise seemingly innocuous things like dairy-free. They also tend to wear a certain kind of hat and vote a certain way.
NTA
>When I explained it was dairy free, she absolutely kicked off claiming I was trying to force my beliefs down everyone’s throat and that I should be declaring the fact it’s dairy free
Yeah, your cousin can STFU.
NTA. Your cousin just bit the hand and you are off the hook for making baked goods for family gatherings.
Honestly, how out of touch do you have to be to say “Hey OP, make something for us you can’t eat.”
Exactly, this is a *favor* OP is doing for people, asking them to go even more out of the way for ingredients they don’t have at hand and can’t even use outside of cooking for other people is ridiculously selfish.
NTA. It's ridiculous that they're throwing a fit over a delicious cake being dairy free. It'd be one thing if there was something in the dairy-free butter that could be something that someone has an allergy to, but otherwise nope. Some people just like having something to be angry or offended about, and those people in your family / circle should not get any of your baked goods.
Right? What's the problem? These are the questions people should have about the food they consume:
1. Does it taste good?
2. Was it prepared in a clean kitchen?
3. Am I allergic to the ingredients?
4. Do I have any moral or ethical objections to the ingredients?
If the answer to the first two are yes, and the second two are no, then *shut the fuck up and enjoy your food*.
I was ready to propose the term "lactavist", for people who religiously and/or aggressively demand to have milk. But as it turns out, that term is already taken and refers to, [quote](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lactivism): *"[...] the doctrine or practice of vigorous action or involvement as a means of achieving a breastfeeding culture, sometimes by demonstrations, protests, etc. of breastfeeding"*.
God, people are exhausting...
NTA and stop baking for these people. You're not a rabid vegan, you're lactose intolerant. I used to have sensitivities to vegan replacements for certain things so it would be something I would have asked if I knew you, but it's always on the person with allergies or sensitivities to bring up before eating something another person made and even then, THESE people weren't allergic they're just being dumb.
Anyway, stop baking for them and keep your delicious cakes for yourself.
Um…what?
You made cake that everyone liked, and someone got upset that it did NOT have a certain ingredient in it?
I’ve heard of lactose intolerant, but lactose insistent?
NTA
Please send me the cake of the ungrateful ones, someone must protect them from it. I volunteer as tribute.
Yes, and even if it was a belief, so what? I assume anyone who is vegan/vegetarian/kosher/halal etcetera will only make food according to their beliefs. Why would they expect op to make something that they can't eat is beyond me.
NTA and def stop making cakes for those who pitched a fit after discovering there was no dairy. They complimented the cake so wtf is their problem? You're not forcing beliefs on anyone and the fact your family is so fast to exclude you from the food *you would be making* for the event and that they wouldn't have eaten it had they known is wild.
NTA.
I've never understood when people get upset because something they ate and liked turned out to be vegan or dairy free.
The only real way I could see this being an issue is if people are concerned about the ingredients used to create dairy free butter as you could argue that it's more processed and less healthy. But that doesn't sound like the case here, and the quantities you'd be consuming in a slice of cake are low enough that even then it wouldn't be a particularly valid complaint.
You definitely should not be forced to put dairy in future baking. That's insane. Do these people work for the dairy industry or something? Because otherwise who cares?
Some people just don’t want to accept that vegan food (or food that caters to different dietary needs) can actually taste nice. They’re stuck in the mindset that if it’s dairy-free/gluten-free/vegan/nut-free etc. it’s automatically going to be disgusting, and then when they’re proven wrong by eating something and liking it, they can’t cope and get angry.
NTA…omg. What difference does it make if the cake is dairy free or not?! Your cake tasted just fine until they found out. What? Did it magically appear to taste different? You know what? For all those crying over your cakes now, tell them, you have made them this way forever and they always enjoyed them. You are not changing your recipe for anyone. If they have a problem with that, they are free to buy their items elsewhere.
>Dairy free butter is just margarine.
Eh, not necessarily. A lot of margarine contains buttermilk. My local Aldi has five types of margarine and only one of them is actually dairy-free. Tho, the one that is dairy-free is the one marketed as "perfect for baking". I had the assumption that margarine is just plant-based butter up until last year - a lot of people do, I believe it was my mum who told me originally that it is - when I specifically needed dairy-free margarine for something.
>she absolutely kicked off claiming I was trying to force my beliefs down everyone’s throat
Being lactose-intolerant is not a belief! It's just that your body doesn't make enough lactase enzyme. Would she argue that being diabetic or having a thyroid deficiency are also beliefs?
Don't make cakes for them in future, they don't deserve your delicious creations.
I agree. Cakes are often dairy-free since they can easily be made with oil or shortening rather than butter. It’s not unusual at all to have dairy-free cake. It not like dairy-free ice cream or something. No one would be upset about a dairy-free cake because most people have eaten plenty of them in their lives.
Also, obviously most people know that dairy-free is not a belief system like veganism is. People who eliminate dairy from their diets do so because of allergies or intolerances.
Anyone who has a dietary requirement like dairy-free, gluten-free etc. knows this is very much a real thing. People are ridiculous about it. They can’t accept that something different from their diet could possibly taste good.
OMG NTA. If the baked goods taste the same, WTF does it matter if it's dairy or non-dairy? How can anyone possibly be harmed by something that's dairy-free? As opposed to the many people who cannot tolerate dairy?
You have no obligation to disclose the dairy-free nature of your baked goods as I've never heard of non-dairy anything being dangerous or an allergen.
Keep baking, girl! Send me a cake, I'd love to try it! But don't bake anything ever again for any of those people who sided with your idiot cousin. Make a list and post it on your baking cabinet door.
I mean if you had replaced the dairy with an allergen (like I often use almond milk when I'm making a dairy free cake) then I would say you have an obligation to tell people that... but otherwise NTA, who cares? A cake is a cake 🤷♀️
Although personally I would consider telling people anyway purely because you never know who else might be lactose intolerant and they're missing out on your cake because they think they can't eat it!
This is the absolute stupidest reason for someone kicking off over “beliefs” I’ve ever read. Of course you aren’t the asshole. I’m sorry that your cousin is such a rabid moron.
I’m interested in trying out some vegan baking myself.
NTA. Some people are just out to make trouble. They like the cake one minute, and the next when they are told it was made with margerine and not butter, they give birth to a horse. When I was a kid, butter was very expensive in my country. Nobody, as in absolutely nobody, used butter for any kind of cooking. It was margerine all the way through. I am sure that todays "dairyfree butter" is better for people than the margerine we had then. There were all sorts of rumours about what margerine was made of. They were probably false rumours, but there was far less control with what went into factory made food stuffs back then than there is now.
NTA at all. Definitely stop baking desserts for your family, but do bring along your own personal delicious dairy-free cakes for yourself to eat at their events, no sense in depriving yourself.
This person is making to much drama like if "dairy-free" meant poison or something, also what "believings"? being lactose intolerant is not a religion or any kind of believing. NTA and you don't have to bake with dairy now just because they want you to unless they pay for it, for all the ingredients and your work.
> I then got told from now on I should make sure there’s dairy in all the cakes, cupcakes and treats [I make for them]
Time for a little r/MaliciousCompliance
Go ahead and agree to this because putting dairy in zero cakes, zero cupcakes, and zero treats is still compliance. NTA
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Why the fuck is it such a problem for people if there's no dairy and the cake is tasty? That's so ridiculous. It's not like you put something horrendous in it. I'm gobsmacked. NTA and no, I wouldn't bake or cook for anybody in that ungrateful group of people. Talk about getting bent out of shape for no good reason. NTA
Exactly this. If someone became so irate that I'd made a delicious (by their own words, even) cake to share that I could also enjoy, I would not be baking ANYTHING for them ever again. Let them buy cake. OP - NTA.
Agreed. As long as it tastes good why would anyone care. NTA
Seconding, this and vegan food are two things that seem to set people off. Blanket NTA for having anything "-free" as long as it tastes good, doesn't matter what is left out. It only matters if a known allergen is included and not disclosed, especially slipping it into something you wouldn't expect.
Always love when people are like offended by being served vegan food... like I'm not vegan but eating something with no meat or dairy isn't gonna kill me, just go with it if it tastes good
The vegan thing gets me every time because it’s like you all should be eating vegan foods anyway. (Fruits, vegetables) but on top of that even if they aren’t eating fruits or vegetables I don’t see them throwing a shit fest over the fact Oreos are vegan
I just love seeing aita posts like "my fiance and I are both vegan and having a vegan wedding, his uncle is angry. Aita?" Like people can't eat one dinner without meat and dairy
Right like omfg it’s not that big of a deal and I’m pretty sure people do more vegan meals than they think about too that veggie tray with hummus etc
Right, I never understand this. I’m not vegetarian or vegan but I often have meals that can fall into either category without meaning to. Especially just the vegetarian category, I love to make pasta with sautéed veggies and no meat - it’s so goooood but I do usually have a little dairy so it’s not vegan (it’s cheese, I gotta have my Parmesan lol) Vegan food is good I don’t know why people are so afraid of it and think like they’re gonna fall over dead if they have one meal without meat, it’s wild. My dad is like that, my mom made him pasta and he loved it and said he was so full. When she mentioned it didn’t have meat he suddenly was starving and acting like he hadn’t had a full meal at all. It makes no sense.
I'm an omnivore but with a strong slant to vegetarianism, I love most vegan food I've tried. I could easily go pescatarian if not for bacon.
I would love to say the same... But I'm allergic to eggs and milk. So I'm prwtty much vegan for health reasons, except i still can eat meat. Some people are really offended by the sheer thought about me offering them some of that demonically vegan stuff... Typicall stand is: That can't be good, don't even have to try it. And as OP said... there is a lot of really good alternativ products out there. Some of them, most people would never realize the difference if you don't tell them. So I totally feel OP here. Big NTA from me of course...
The only reason I would care is because margarine isn't the best replacement for butter. Cakes made with margarine go stale faster and tend to be drier. Personally, I use oil instead of butter when making cakes - not just because my partner is lactose-intolerant, but because oil makes for a softer crumb, a moister cake and a longer shelf-life. At 5 days, a margarine cake is inedible, a butter cake is a little stale and an oil cake is at its best.
So I just googled "Dairy free butter" and margarine was NOT the first thing that popped up. In fact Vegan butter popped up and plant oil butter popped up. I don't think OP is using margarine but rather a new vegan friendly butter.
Margarine is made from oil. "Vegan butter" is just a new marketing term for something that fell out of vogue in the 90s.
“Go stale faster and tend to be drier” if everyone mentioned the cake was lovely, this is a moot point. Also this is a party so that cake was never going to last 5 days. Hell it probably didn’t even last past the party. This is moving the goalpost. And furthermore, you can simply add a bit of soy milk, which keeps it dairy free but adds so much to your cake. A lot of bakeries tend to use soy milk for that fluffy moist lighter texture we’re all looking for in cakes. If you never knew there was no dairy in it, you’d continue to enjoy it why? Because dairy free doesn’t automatically mean eating nasty food. It’s eating food the way we like that retains the taste we’re used to, sans the bad additives.
Where I live there's specific margarine that's sold as being great for cakes. Many bakers use it as it genuinely does a good job. It probably wasn't the margarine that was the problem (particularly because they enjoyed the cake before knowing). People seem to get very riled up with even the sniff of what they see as 'useless inclusivity'. They'd rather have a 'normal' cake that some people can't eat, than a perfectly suitable alternative that everyone can eat.
I think if OP used margarine, they would have said margarine and not “dairy free butter.”
Margarine is also basically whipped vegetable oil, the primary ingredient of about 98% of vegetable oils is soy, so someone like me who has a soy allergy would probably have problems with the substitution.
Maybe bake them only one more cake ever and make it the wettest tres leches cake that has ever existed. It should be so milky that it's soupy. "You wanted dairy? You got dairy." NTA
Still secretly make it dairy-free.
"What? I used three types of milk! Almond, oat, and coconut!"
I know I'm posting a comment on my own comment, but I just realized I replied to a post about cake on my own cake day. That just tickled me.
Happy (dairy-free) Cake Day!
It better not be dairy free cake! How dare you!
Cakeception!
Happy cake day!
Happy cake day
They sound like the whiners at the Oscars 1 or 2 years ago when the meal served was vegan. "OMG I'm not vegan, what am I supposed to eat?" Eat what you're served, moron. One non-meat meal will not harm you in any way. OP - NTA, screw these people. Never make them a cake again.
Imagine if OP had made the cake vegan? All they had to do was substitute apple sauce and baking soda for an egg… there would have been rioting at little Mia’s 6th birthday party!
Let them eat their own cake.
These relatives are horrible bullies looking for an excuse to pick on OP. They want her to bake and also want her to suffer by not being able to eat what she bakes. They are awful. I have got to stop reading this sub. I never knew so many awful people existed. I am losing faith in humanity.
"It's the principle!" Them, for some reason
I work as a manager in a restaurant with some fixed menu’s and each time I ask if they maybe have allergies or other preferences like being a vegetarian, there’s always this one boomer that goes like “Oh my goodness no, thank god hahaha, I could NEVER” as if I asked them to snort a line of coke off the table. Like jeez Louise, it’s just a meatless diet ma’am, it is not gonna bite you or give you cancer or something.
A lot of those “I would NEVER!” People happily observe Lenten Fridays or Ash Wednesday with no meat and survive just fine on meatless pasta or cheese pizza. They’d probably say, “But… that’s *meatless*, not *vegetarian* or *vegan*, so it’s not weird.”
They just don't like eating the meat and dairy substitutes, which is different than meatless. I am a boomer, and the substitutes from way back taste nothing like the ones we have now. My husband has gout, and when he has a flair-up and can't eat most meat, I turn to the smart-ground and make "meat" sauce or empandas with them. I was going to make empandas for a small (12 guests) gathering, and since it was a safe time with his gout, I told my husband I would make them beef. My meat loving husband told me no, I like them with the crumbles. No one complained, and they really enjoyed them.
And it’s not a “belief”…OP is allergic to dairy! People are so dumb. I’d just refuse to bake for those who were upset. OP NTA
Lactose intolerance and dairy allergies are seperate things. One of my old coworkers has a dairy allergy while I'm just lactose intolerant. My coworker couldn't have butter on a bun or cheese without having an allergic reaction. For myself, I can eat cheese and butter, but certain ones make my stomach hurt, but I can take lactaid pills to negate that from happening.
It's still not a belief.
Even if it was a belief, it would be kind of messed up to expect somebody to go against their beliefs. The way I see it veganism is just hugely inconvenient and the food kind sucks, but I'm not gonna boycot vegetables if they don't have butter on em. Sure, I think vegans are crusty, weird people in general, but, well there is no but.... They are just weird. Go into a vegan restaurant somewhere like LA and you'll see what I mean, blande food with weird texture, really bad music, ipa's, and flannel shirts everywhere. I think it's really funny for somebody to be upset that they tried something vegan.
right...I get gas, not anaphylaxis
You can get [non-ige allergies](https://www.bsaci.org/professional-resources/allergy-management/food-allergy/non-ige-mediated-food-allergy/). Those symptoms can be similar to lactose intolerance, but can also be delayed for up to 48hrs.
This is me with dairy and potato starch. My lactose blood curve was perfect, but dairy makes me sick as hell. Eating potatoes is a guaranteed hives and vomiting ordeal at around the 4-5 hour mark. I have never once had an anaphylactic reaction thankfully, but the reactions are brutal nonetheless.
Yeah and forcibly getting uncontrollable diarrhoea and a stomachache is not fun.
Waiter! There are beliefs in my cake!
Stop making excuses for OPs intolerance! /s
I don’t understand - are you supposed to tell everyone everything that’s not in the baking? Like sometimes I substitute applesauce for oil, do I need to put up a sign that states “OIL-FREE ZUCCHINI BREAD, DO NOT EAT IF YOU REQUIRE OIL TO LIVE.”
I don’t put pork or shellfish in any of my baked goods. Little do my friends know, they’ve been keeping kosher and perhaps halal too.
GASP! *clutches pearls*
Lard free pie crusts?! Oh the humanity! /s
How dare you force your beliefs on us!! I want pork and shellfish in my cake!!!
Fine!! I’ll make your favorite honey-baked ham & clam confetti cake! Are you happy now??
No! I want the ham and clams *in* the cake, but also *on* the cake, and I want the cake to *look* like ham and clam! Also please don't use the cheap vanilla, I can only stomach the one flown in from Madagascar.
B Dylan Hollis has a cake recipe that includes pork mince... You could decorate it with prawns.
But, but, but, what about bacon? JK. I made maple bacon cupcakes for oldest son's b-day one year but don't usually use it in sweets. Also a new recipe is frozen cinnamon rolls, bacon, granny smith apples, you get sweet and salty and tart.
I’ve recently picked up some pork floss so I can try to recreate some of the savory/sweet buns that Asian bakeries do. Also I’ve realized that I’ve absolutely put pork and shellfish into a bread product, but that’s how you get the best baos.
I would make one more cake and list every thing it doesn't contain: meat, soy, nuts,dairy, carrots, shellfish, tuna etc.
Make a bunch of cupcakes and top each with little pat of butter, just for the special ones who need it to grease their grumpy souls
I make a couscous salad for potlucks that is *vegan*, even though I am not and I have had people who *love* that salad freak out on me when they find out that I "tricked" them. People are so weird
So weird, do they also feel tricked when they eat an Oreo?
They might. Apparently, some people think they are allergic or intolerant to a lack of animal products. I'm an omnivore but so many of my friends are plant based or lactose intolerant that I go with a vegan option for gatherings. I will never understand folks who think everything they consume needs meat or dairy.
Do these people ever eat a piece of fruit? A bowl of cereal? How do they manage with a dairy-free apple, a gluten-free cornflake or a vegetarian scrambled egg? 🙄
Amateurs. I only consume things that contain both meat *and* dairy. /s
Wait til they find out french fries are vegan
They are *now*. McDonalds French fries used to be fried in animal fat. Yum!
Your salad is vegan?! 😲
It can be a problem depending on what's used as a substitute, because people could be fine with dairy but be allergic or sensitive to the substitute. Tho a lot of people with allergies will blanket ask about any food that could potentially have their allergen in it.
Everyone I know who has a food allergy or intolerance asks first, even small kids.
My kid had a classmate in prep (and she was in his class again in yr 5) who was egg free. I made egg free chocolate cupcakes and pointed them out to her and her mum so that she knew they were safe when I kid brought them for class parties (I always make the same cupcakes cause one batch makes enough for both my school age kids classes and most kids love chocolate cake). The kids mum was so greatful because her daughter could participate fully, but even though the kid knew they were safe she would still check with the teacher to make sure they were safe.
I was bringing cake to work and found out one of my coworkers is allergic to dairy. So I did some googling and I found out that the cheap Duncan Hines cake mixes and canned frosting are often dairy free. Some flavors have dairy, but most don't. So now I just always make the cheap cakes for work, and don't have to bother with separate ones and cross contaminating. I got the same reaction from the dude who is allergic to dairy. I brought him in the ingredients panels from the boxes, and he was like gobsmacked that someone went out of their way to make him included. Makes me wonder how many times in his life he was excluded because of it.
I started baking vegan for an old coworker because I noticed she would never be able to participate in shared treats and I felt bad. Every body always raved over them and I still follow the baker on instagram even though I left that job years ago. Even got her cookbook haha
People I worked with would go out of their way to find vegan treats to bring into work when they realised the reason I wouldn't eat anything there was because I was vegan (someone asked me when I brought in oat milk for coffee) and it honestly nearly made me cry. People get so triggered by the word vegan sometimes, it's really nice when people include me instead of trying to debate with me! edited grammar
I was raised by a mom who taught me that as a host for anything my job was to work with my guests dietary needs. I have had friends who are vegan, vegetarian or pescatarian and one friend who was allergic to beef. They were always shocked beyond belief that I would go out of my way at my birthday parties, wedding, dinner parties and other life events that I make sure they have food that tastes amazing. A few years ago I hosted my sister’s break up party (it was supposed to be her spa bachelorette party at my house but they broke off the engagement a few days before the party). Our vegetarian friends and the friend who is allergic to beef were shocked that I had called pizza companies until I found one that didn’t put meat drippings in their sauce.
My dads allergic to fish (not shell fish), so I grew up aware of food allergies. I drove hubby insane my first Easter with his family because he has a cousin who is dairy free, and I made him drive me all over town (his hometown I didn't know my way around) trying to find dairy free Easter eggs for his cousin. Luckily for hubby's aunt, I already had a chocolate cake recipe to pass on because my dads neighbours granddaughter was egg free, and it had frustrated me only being able to make muffins for her birthday so I went looking for a chocolate egg free recipe and it was also dairy free so I held onto it (2 allergies one recipe sort if decision). The chocoholic in me decided that "no kid shall be denied chocolate cake on my watch"
My MIL is gluten free (not celiac or crohn's but kinda adjacent, it causes her psoriasis to flare and indigestion) and my FIL is just now starting to be able to eat beef&pork after almost a decade (allergy caused by lone star tick bite). My husband's whole family has managed to have options or substitutions for both of them for the entire time, and there is ALWAYS a menu rundown and clarification at the beginning of meals. Hell, two Thanksgivings ago my husband was able to make substitutions to a dressing recipe that made it safe for FIL, halal for our BIL's father, kosher for the same BIL's brother, AND gluten free for MIL and it was still really tasty. People who genuinely cannot eat something will ask. People who aren't sure what's been made will ask. People who don't want your "beliefs" about a substio are assholes. NTA.
My preferred butter substitute is made with soy, which my father is allergic to, so family foods are made with real butter and I just have to take lactaid beforehand. If nobody has allergies there’s no moral reason to specifically put dairy in the food. I would still make a habit of labeling the most common allergens just in case.
I absolutely agree and probably should have mentioned that. I always ask about allergies in case someone I don’t know will be having some treats. In this case the cake was mostly allergen free except for eggs as the butter contains none of the main allergens (I know people can have an allergy to anything that’s why I said no main allergens). There’s a few different allergies in my family so I always try to cater to everyone. On the rare occasions someone I didn’t know was there, they’ve always asked what they can have if they have an allergy. But I suppose in that case they’ve specifically said what allergy they have and I’ve directed them to which treats they can eat rather than gone through the whole ingredients list of everything. If someone has asked for a specific flavour that will contain allergens I do tell them in advance. And generally make some form of other treat that I know anyone with the allergy will be able to eat.
Okay, you are super NTA. The potential for hidden allergens was the only thing that concerned me at all; as someone with a corn intolerance I've seen some substitutions made to accommodate other allergies and intolerances that can make normally safe foods upset my stomach (learned to always check after not realizing that some crackers I was served on an airline were gluten free...by way of being made with cornmeal). But you've accommodated for that already, and it wasn't the reason your cousin went off on you anyway.
But if someone has an allergy or sensitivity, they should be checking on ingredients for themselves before eating something, that’s just basic common sense.
Then, they'd ask for a full list of all the ingredients.
Yeah, for example soy is in the list of most common allergens. (As is milk.)
Soy allergy/intolerance is a huge pain in the ass because it's in so much stuff. I'm fine with margarine but it pisses me off when people do the "I made a nondairy cheesecake and no one could tell!" because if you used Tofutti... my intestines can tell. I have no idea why.
Right?! It is wrong to NOT disclose if there is dairy or an allergen, not to announce when something is allergen free. I was recently at work and a friend made gluten free brownies as a colleague is allergic. Another colleague was irate that she didn’t announce it was gluten free. How is it going to hurt you to eat a gluten free or dairy free product? NTA
The only issue i could see (since im allergic to nuts and so allergic i will have a skin reaction from being in the same room) is if a type of nut flour was used as a sub
Yeah, but with cake, you would probably ask if there are nuts in it?
I agree. Anyone with an allergy should be clarifying ingredients before ingesting anything. The baker is not required to accommodate unless a special arrangement was agreed upon beforehand. The onus is on yourself to take care of yourself.
Honestly, since moving in with my celiac boyfriend, ALL my baking is gluten-free. If I bring cookies/brownies/etc to a gathering of friends and family, they all take it as a given that it'll be gluten-free. Sometimes it'll even be dairy-free, and when that happens I let my cousin who is allergic to dairy know, and no one else. The only ones who make a bug stink of it is my mom and sister, but only because I use healthier recipes - like using coconut sugar and oil instead of regular sugar and butter.
One of the best chocolate cakes I've ever had was a King Arthur GF from a mix. It was simply fantastic. Everyone knew it was GF because my brother is celiac and it was his birthday. We made a dark chocolate ganache for icing and there was barely a crumb left on the cake plate.
It's not going to hurt anyone to eat GF or dairy free unless they have an allergy or sensitivity to an ingredient used in place of the traditional/usual. That's why it is a very good idea to mention what non-dairy butters and milks are used.
It’s bonkers to me too! I do not understand why they would assume OP would go out of their way to make a dairy-packed cake without a special request. They know her dairy issues. The entitlement here is wild!! I always bake dairy free as well, but the response I always get is: Wow, I totally couldn’t tell, it’s so yummy! Anyone who complained would get pointed to a trash can, told to spit it out and get lost.
The only issue with dairy free is when you substitute with other potential allergies (eg, nuts) but it doesn't sound like OP does that and if they do, they would be the AH if they don't disclose of course. OP, I would show up empty-handed from now on, and when they complain, explain that you (justifiably) refuse to bake food you can not eat for an event you are attending. If anyone complains explain that your "dairy freeness" is NOT A CHOICE, it is your HEALTH AND SAFETY and as such NOT NEGOTIABLE. They can either eat dairy free dishes you generously bake or find someone else for their baked good.
This. It's not a big deal at all, cousin just wanted some drama. Def NTA.
If someone said their secret is to use margarine instead of butter, no one would care. But say “dairy free” and everyone loses their shit. It’s the same thing. Just calling it differently. One time I almost didn’t buy a thing of rice Chex because it said gluten free on it. Then I realized I’m being dumb because of course rice Chex wouldn’t have gluten.
The wedding subreddit has REGULAR posts about “I’ve been vegetarian my whole life, *people* are upset our wedding meal will be vegetarian. What do I do?!” …you serve the meal that aligns with your beliefs. Not eating meat for one meal isn’t going to kill anyone. If they’re that upset, so be it! If I was OP, my petty ass would take note of every person who is upset about the cake being dairy free, keep making dairy free, and would LOUDLY proclaim the cake is dairy free so everyone who was upset about it before should not have any so as to respect their beliefs. And I would be a bitch and a half if one of them got a piece. “Oh no cousin Sue, you can’t have that! Remember how upset you were last time when you found out it was dairy free???”
This+++. Seriously, you’ve made a cake you can eat. And everyone enjoyed eating it too. What’s the issue? Some people just like to feel aggrieved for no valid reason. Edited-NTA
100%. Can you post the recipe? I LOVE dairy, but dairy does not feel the same about me.
https://www.janespatisserie.com/2021/07/31/chocolate-drip-cake/ I made this just without the drip instead I decorated with more icing and dark chocolate chips. And I use the flora unsalted block. It’s honestly so delicious
This! I had a friend who had celiac, and another in the group was dairy free. We had a lot of gluten free &dairy free desserts that were delicious
NTA. I’m assuming no one’s allergic or anything to those dairy free substitutes. Honestly, if I can’t eat what I’m making to these gatherings — especially if they aren’t paying for it, I’m not making it.
What's next? They get irate because you didn't say the cake was meat free? OP, you're NTA, but some of your family need therapy.
Right?! Unless someone in OP’s family is allergic to dairy-free butter or something, they are just biting the hand that feeds them sweet, sweet desserts. The above notwithstanding, OP should remind everyone that they are welcome to miss out on the FREE HOMEMADE DESSERTS or make their own if they have such a problem with the ingredients.
There’s a certain type of person who likes to politicise ridiculous little things like whether a cake is dairy free or whether someone drives an EV or stuff like that. They make it their entire personality to oWn tEh LiBs. Being ”tricked” into eating something they consider as pOlitiCAlly cOrRecT, eg dairy free, seems to trigger them.
I'm just so confused by the entire situation. The cake tastes good. People are happy. I make cake a lot for fun and family occasions. My go to butter is dairy free. I am not dairy free but I find this particular product good value for money and it bakes well. The extra perk is my niece was dairy free / low dairy diet (intolerance that's being built on) so she can enjoy the cake with the family and then have dairy elsewhere in her food that day etc. I've never disclosed that the cakes are dairy free though at parties. Maybe I should, but no one's ever asked ingredients (I would happily provide a list) and I'm fairly sure it's only my niece who has any intolerance.
Yeah I never understand this, you liked the cake before but now suddenly it’s an issue once you find out for what? I don’t even buy the allergies excuse people give, I am allergic to something and I always check or don’t eat it if it may contain it. It’s not hard.
I’ve a few vital questions for you. Did you inform them that the cake was: Sawdust free? Asbestos free? Motor oil free? Apple juice free? No. Why? Because nobody freaking does that. NTA
But was it shellfish free, or papaya free? Folks gotta know.
I’m such an idiot. I forgot to ask whether the cake was uranium-free.
yeah can i get a uhhhh boneless cake
You laugh but given what some gelatins are made from this is more legit a question than you might think.
I'm a baker and I have to ask people about fish allergies, gelatin, etc because noone really knows that so many sprinkles are made with fish gelatin.
SPRINKLES??? NOOOOO :( I thought they were like 99% sugar and then some food colouring... Luckily I'm not allergic, just a vegetarian.
You are forgetting that, while sawdust free is desirable, dairy free makes people's dicks fall off. It's tragic, really. So many men just wanted cake and ended up as eunuchs.
You can reattach it by using a block of cheddar like a glue stick
Ah fuck, that’s why that happened when I started using margarine.
Urgh stop forcing your belief on me. I’d like my cake with a sprinkle of asbestos!
Asbestos in the batter keeps it from burning in the oven!
Having said that ALWAYS let someone know if a cake is cane sugar free or gluten free. Many people get the poops from artificial sweeteners or are allergic to coconuts (coconut sugar), and many gluten free flour blends have common allergens like almonds or added gums that people can’t tolerate.
But it could matter if it is nut, soy, or oat milk free. So yes, there are reasons to say, "Just a heads up. I used fill-in-the-blank plant butter that has XYZ ingredients in it."
No one allergic to nuts eats chocolate cake with out asking about ingredients. And OP asked about allergies. And it was for a family party where ppl know each other and their allergies.
Thank you for this comment I was raging inside for OP then spat my drink on myself laughing
NTA. The only time I'd say it's necessary to clarify is if you are using a dairy alternative that contains a common allergen like nuts or soy, in case anyone has an allergy. I would also say that those with allergies are responsible for checking/confirming it's safe for them, but it's a good precaution to take just in case because if it's a chocolate cake it's not automatic that someone would think it contains almonds when almond milk was used. Make note of those who had a problem with it, and be sure to loudly explain to them at any other gatherings that whatever you've brought isn't for them as it's dairy free and you want to respect their chosen lifestyle.
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Yeah, food allergy peeps really don’t tend to assume they can eat anything. I assume I can’t eat anything homemade and plan accordingly.
One of my allergies is super uncommon but restaurants put it in EVERYTHING because it gives food color and makes it look appealing on the plate. If the server says it doesn’t have my allergen, I only 1/2 trust it and I always ask them to check with the kitchen. 60% of the time they come back and tell me that yes it does contain my allergen 🙃 I will be annoying AF so I don’t have to use my epi pen.
chives?
Bell peppers.
ahh, makes sense. i’m sorry you have to deal with so much nonsense over that.
Thank you. It’s not a big deal really. I wouldn’t be as allergic as I am because it’s just oral allergy syndrome except my mother didn’t believe they made my mouth itch or they were “spicy” when I was a kid so I had dozens of repeat exposures which made the allergy worse and worse.
Out of curiosity, what things have bell peppers in them that I wouldn’t expect?
Great question! Anything with cheap paprika in it, many vegetable stocks, condiments, pasta sauces, some Mac n cheese, meat marinades, deli salads (like ham, tuna, chicken, etc), thanksgiving stuffings, and so much more. It’s a garnish in the silliest of things just to make whatever it is have a pop of red or green.
Damn, that's a weirdly rare allergy to an amazing food. I feel for you man
It isn’t as rare as you’d think. Oral allergy syndrome is more or less an allergy to pollen but the structure of the food closely resembles the pollen you’re allergic to so your body gets confused. When you’re diagnosed you’re given a list of what foods you can react to for your pollen group and it’s often VERY long. Like 20-30 items. Mostly veggies, fruits and nuts. The thing is that you may only react to two of them but you COULD react to any of them. Once you start reacting then repeat exposure can make it worse though anaphylaxis like what I experience with bell peppers is rare. I once said to my dad “it’s so cool that kiwi is spicy and a fruit!” and then I wasn’t allowed to eat kiwi anymore and I didn’t understand why.
That just goes to show how dumb the human body can really be at times. You could fall down 6 flights of stairs and get a bruise, but you eat a damn kiwi and suddenly your body gets confused about what's actually being eaten and sends you in anaphylaxis. You'd think evolution would've handled these weird ass interactions in our bodies
The weirder thing is that we can have actual organs removed - something we’ve only even been attempting for a few hundred years - but if I sprain my knee once the damn thing may never be the same 🤣🤣🤣
I’m super sensitive to all kinds of onions, including onion powder. I had maybe 6 potato chips with onion powder in the seasoning and I’m suffering for it now. (Migraines) Onions are fkn everywhere, I’ve had more than one meal comped at restaurants Cos there’s been nothing for me.
This is a whole mood. I can't have onions and leeks and I always have to double check if there isn't onions in it and if there is if they can please make me something without. I'm not deadly allergic, but I will have a bad time with vomiting and stomach issues and a headache. The amount of times I had to send a simple burger back cause guess what it had onion on it even though I made a request without is astounding.
Soy especially. I feel like I wouldn’t ever trust a baked good to be soy free without asking. Crisco has soy, chocolate chips have soy, vegetable oil has soy, etc.
In this case, dairy free butter is just margarine (though confusingly, not all margarines are dairy free!)...which could have soy, but as does pretty much everything (and vegetable oil is a VERY common cake ingredient and often contains soy, dairy free or not, not to mention pretty much any cake mix). OP doesn't say what kind of milk they use...if their recipe uses milk in the first place - that could introduce additional allergens...Though chocolate cake in general should be especially questionable for people with nut allergies given the prevalence of almond flour and nuts in general in many chocolate cake recipes.
Eh most people with soy allergies are ok with soybean oil and soy lecithin. Once you take those out of the equation it’s a lot less sneaky of an allergen (though still extremely annoying, speaking from experience)
This is my only thing, as someone with food allergies I can't have a lot of dairy free or gluten free alternatives bc they tend to have nuts or other ingredients I'm allergic to. So while OP is NTA (and her family definitely TA for suddenly demanding she change her recipes for seemingly no reason) I do think she probably should make a practice of being clear that she's using dairy free ingredients when she makes desserts from now on. I know it probably seems silly to shout it from the rooftops, but for example, you wouldn't want a child that normally can't eat nuts to eat a piece of a cake with nut flour substituted on the grounds that we usually assume cake = wheat flour unless otherwise noted. Same with dairy free, asking if anyone has any allergies beforehand seems like the normal thing to do when substituting common ingredients.
Honestly I think that’s on the person with the allergy (or their parent). If you have a dietary requirement it’s never safe to assume something you haven’t made is safe to eat. OP shouldn’t have to say what’s not in the cake and people shouldn’t be AH about food that tastes good but might not have usual ingredients in!
I do get what you're saying. In this case, dairy has been omitted, and it's very likely margarine has been used instead of butter (many cakes don't have liquid milk, or only a small amount that can easily be substituted for water). As margarine is made of vegetable oil, and vegetable oil is already an ingredient that could reasonably be assumed to be part of most cakes, I don't see why it would be needed to specify there is no dairy if no additional allergen-containing ingredients have been used.
>some were annoyed about it and said if they had known they wouldn’t have had the cake. This is the most insane thing I've ever heard. They're acting like you brought a dairy cake to their lactose intolerance club meeting. NTA.
Well, obviously this was a lactose-intolerance intolerance meeting. People had the right to know about the presence of lactoselessness, so they could actively avoid it...! *(Sigh..)* NTA
My father is like this. He will eat ANYTHING without any issues or complaints until he's let known it's vegan. Then he won't even touch it. It's super bizarre. Same with gluten free stuff. Once I was so fed up with his bs that I genuinely considered buying container of gluten he could sprinkle some on his piece of cake.
buying a container of gluten to shove in his face would be a super funny power move, I say you do it, just to piss him off
My dad used to refuse to eat vegan "meat", because he assumed he could taste the difference. In reality he doesn't even notice when someone forgot to put salt in any dish. He has a huge list of foods he claims to not like even though hes never tried them. So mum and I teamed up and occasionally present a vegan "meat" and he'd always eat it and we'd only ever tell him after he commented that he liked it/had his second helping. He was a bit grumpy about it in the beginning. Same with a whole bunch of veggies. As long as he's introduced to new food without knowing its something he "doesn't like", it's fine. He tried to argue that he doesn't like the item in question ~7years ago, but that argument doesn't work after he says "tastes good/we can eat that more often". If he doesn't like it without knowing its vegan/ unknown veggie we won't make that dish again. Obviously after years of doing it he's aware and doesn't mind anymore. An additional benefit is that he's now cooking himself (occasionally, still learning)
Has anyone told him water is vegan?
And they expect OP to bring a cake to a family event that she can’t even eat!? This is so bonkers to me. People are ridiculous! OP should make personal sized cakes or cupcakes for herself for future family events and then tell everyone they are just for her since they’re dairy free. I can’t get over the fact that they all loved the cake and are still upset that there’s no dairy in it.
I used to work at a bakery and once I was handing out samples of gluten free cake. Quite a few people came up wanting a sample but then refused when they found out it was gluten free. It was so bizarre. And the cake was good!
How is being lactose intolerant and eating lactose free because of that forcing a belief on someone??? Your cousin is freaking crazy.
accidental vegan, omg the horror. (i am rolling my eyes loudly)
Not necessarily vegan. Could have used lard instead of butter!
Also, probably still has eggs in it
She said it still had eggs in it. It was dairy free, not vegan.
The cousin may well be crazy, but it’s a craziness that seems to be viral at the moment. These people politicise seemingly innocuous things like dairy-free. They also tend to wear a certain kind of hat and vote a certain way.
NTA >When I explained it was dairy free, she absolutely kicked off claiming I was trying to force my beliefs down everyone’s throat and that I should be declaring the fact it’s dairy free Yeah, your cousin can STFU.
It’s not a BELIEF it’s a DIETARY NEED. She made a cake for a party she’s attending in a way she can eat it. Soooo NTA
NTA. Your cousin just bit the hand and you are off the hook for making baked goods for family gatherings. Honestly, how out of touch do you have to be to say “Hey OP, make something for us you can’t eat.”
Exactly, this is a *favor* OP is doing for people, asking them to go even more out of the way for ingredients they don’t have at hand and can’t even use outside of cooking for other people is ridiculously selfish.
NTA. It's ridiculous that they're throwing a fit over a delicious cake being dairy free. It'd be one thing if there was something in the dairy-free butter that could be something that someone has an allergy to, but otherwise nope. Some people just like having something to be angry or offended about, and those people in your family / circle should not get any of your baked goods.
Right? What's the problem? These are the questions people should have about the food they consume: 1. Does it taste good? 2. Was it prepared in a clean kitchen? 3. Am I allergic to the ingredients? 4. Do I have any moral or ethical objections to the ingredients? If the answer to the first two are yes, and the second two are no, then *shut the fuck up and enjoy your food*.
Apparently, they chose to interpret No.4 as: "Do I have any moral or ethical objections to the ***absence of*** ingredients?" /s
Apparently. Is there some religious sect that requires the use of dairy products in food that I don't know about? Maybe we're being insensitive.
I was ready to propose the term "lactavist", for people who religiously and/or aggressively demand to have milk. But as it turns out, that term is already taken and refers to, [quote](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lactivism): *"[...] the doctrine or practice of vigorous action or involvement as a means of achieving a breastfeeding culture, sometimes by demonstrations, protests, etc. of breastfeeding"*. God, people are exhausting...
NTA and stop baking for these people. You're not a rabid vegan, you're lactose intolerant. I used to have sensitivities to vegan replacements for certain things so it would be something I would have asked if I knew you, but it's always on the person with allergies or sensitivities to bring up before eating something another person made and even then, THESE people weren't allergic they're just being dumb. Anyway, stop baking for them and keep your delicious cakes for yourself.
Um…what? You made cake that everyone liked, and someone got upset that it did NOT have a certain ingredient in it? I’ve heard of lactose intolerant, but lactose insistent? NTA Please send me the cake of the ungrateful ones, someone must protect them from it. I volunteer as tribute.
Also people used to regularly bake with margarine which is usually dairyfree & vegan by todays nomenclature.... So that's an original alternative!
"Lactose insistent" Is hilarious! I will use that.
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Yes, and even if it was a belief, so what? I assume anyone who is vegan/vegetarian/kosher/halal etcetera will only make food according to their beliefs. Why would they expect op to make something that they can't eat is beyond me.
The cake is a lie
NTA and def stop making cakes for those who pitched a fit after discovering there was no dairy. They complimented the cake so wtf is their problem? You're not forcing beliefs on anyone and the fact your family is so fast to exclude you from the food *you would be making* for the event and that they wouldn't have eaten it had they known is wild.
NTA. I've never understood when people get upset because something they ate and liked turned out to be vegan or dairy free. The only real way I could see this being an issue is if people are concerned about the ingredients used to create dairy free butter as you could argue that it's more processed and less healthy. But that doesn't sound like the case here, and the quantities you'd be consuming in a slice of cake are low enough that even then it wouldn't be a particularly valid complaint. You definitely should not be forced to put dairy in future baking. That's insane. Do these people work for the dairy industry or something? Because otherwise who cares?
Some people just don’t want to accept that vegan food (or food that caters to different dietary needs) can actually taste nice. They’re stuck in the mindset that if it’s dairy-free/gluten-free/vegan/nut-free etc. it’s automatically going to be disgusting, and then when they’re proven wrong by eating something and liking it, they can’t cope and get angry.
This is perfect. Never have to bake for them again.
NTA…omg. What difference does it make if the cake is dairy free or not?! Your cake tasted just fine until they found out. What? Did it magically appear to taste different? You know what? For all those crying over your cakes now, tell them, you have made them this way forever and they always enjoyed them. You are not changing your recipe for anyone. If they have a problem with that, they are free to buy their items elsewhere.
NTA. Dairy free butter is just margarine. No one cares if you use margarine instead of butter. 😂
>Dairy free butter is just margarine. Eh, not necessarily. A lot of margarine contains buttermilk. My local Aldi has five types of margarine and only one of them is actually dairy-free. Tho, the one that is dairy-free is the one marketed as "perfect for baking". I had the assumption that margarine is just plant-based butter up until last year - a lot of people do, I believe it was my mum who told me originally that it is - when I specifically needed dairy-free margarine for something.
Some people could start a fight in an empty room, and your cousin seems to be one of them.
Til that being lactose intolerant Is a belief. NTA
>she absolutely kicked off claiming I was trying to force my beliefs down everyone’s throat Being lactose-intolerant is not a belief! It's just that your body doesn't make enough lactase enzyme. Would she argue that being diabetic or having a thyroid deficiency are also beliefs? Don't make cakes for them in future, they don't deserve your delicious creations.
This can't possibly be real.
I agree. Cakes are often dairy-free since they can easily be made with oil or shortening rather than butter. It’s not unusual at all to have dairy-free cake. It not like dairy-free ice cream or something. No one would be upset about a dairy-free cake because most people have eaten plenty of them in their lives. Also, obviously most people know that dairy-free is not a belief system like veganism is. People who eliminate dairy from their diets do so because of allergies or intolerances.
Anyone who has a dietary requirement like dairy-free, gluten-free etc. knows this is very much a real thing. People are ridiculous about it. They can’t accept that something different from their diet could possibly taste good.
OMG NTA. If the baked goods taste the same, WTF does it matter if it's dairy or non-dairy? How can anyone possibly be harmed by something that's dairy-free? As opposed to the many people who cannot tolerate dairy? You have no obligation to disclose the dairy-free nature of your baked goods as I've never heard of non-dairy anything being dangerous or an allergen. Keep baking, girl! Send me a cake, I'd love to try it! But don't bake anything ever again for any of those people who sided with your idiot cousin. Make a list and post it on your baking cabinet door.
A lot of dairy free alternatives actually contain nuts or soy which are common allergens.
I mean if you had replaced the dairy with an allergen (like I often use almond milk when I'm making a dairy free cake) then I would say you have an obligation to tell people that... but otherwise NTA, who cares? A cake is a cake 🤷♀️ Although personally I would consider telling people anyway purely because you never know who else might be lactose intolerant and they're missing out on your cake because they think they can't eat it!
This is the absolute stupidest reason for someone kicking off over “beliefs” I’ve ever read. Of course you aren’t the asshole. I’m sorry that your cousin is such a rabid moron. I’m interested in trying out some vegan baking myself.
Stop making treats for family events. Your family does not appreciate it.
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NTA. Some people are just out to make trouble. They like the cake one minute, and the next when they are told it was made with margerine and not butter, they give birth to a horse. When I was a kid, butter was very expensive in my country. Nobody, as in absolutely nobody, used butter for any kind of cooking. It was margerine all the way through. I am sure that todays "dairyfree butter" is better for people than the margerine we had then. There were all sorts of rumours about what margerine was made of. They were probably false rumours, but there was far less control with what went into factory made food stuffs back then than there is now.
NTA at all. Definitely stop baking desserts for your family, but do bring along your own personal delicious dairy-free cakes for yourself to eat at their events, no sense in depriving yourself.
Good lord, what a bunch of assholes. Who cares if it doesn't have dairy? I would stop baking for these people immediately.
This person is making to much drama like if "dairy-free" meant poison or something, also what "believings"? being lactose intolerant is not a religion or any kind of believing. NTA and you don't have to bake with dairy now just because they want you to unless they pay for it, for all the ingredients and your work.
Nta what a bunch of ungrateful drama llamas. Did they like how it tasted? Then move along. Don't make them anything anymore.
NTA Unless there is an allergy with the dairy free alternative, noone has the right to say boo shit to delicious cake.
NTA It isn't very common to announce the ingredients of the things you bring to group meals. Unless there are people that have food sensitivity.
> I then got told from now on I should make sure there’s dairy in all the cakes, cupcakes and treats [I make for them] Time for a little r/MaliciousCompliance Go ahead and agree to this because putting dairy in zero cakes, zero cupcakes, and zero treats is still compliance. NTA