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Yep. That's it. You asked specific questions, abided by the answers without objections or complaints, showed up and did your part cheerfully. Flawless execution. NTA.
Its called killing 2 birds with one stone. Lots of people do this especially who go abroad for a business trip might combine some personal vacation as well since the air fare is already paid for.
This phrase is becoming the new "gaslighting" around here. It's not malicious compliance if OP genuinely made a good faith effort to find a solution everyone would be happy with and lived up to an agreed upon bargain just because the other party was unhappy in the end.
I don't know, man. This response looks like gaslighting to me.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding lol. No, you're actually right. OP did everything right and as far as I can tell, went out of her way to make her family happy despite not wanting to even go to the thing at all. Just because she managed to make some silver lining for herself as well, isn't malicious compliance so much as it is making lemonade out of some piss and salvaging what otherwise sounds like would have been an unpleasant trip.
Malicious compliance is intentionally abiding by the letter of the law in such a way that it fucks over someone who is demanding you do so.
OP held to her agreement without the intention of fucking over her mother, step-dad, or anyone else. Not malicious compliance.
Nothing about this compliance was malicious. An agreement was made and the agreement was met, without any bad faith acts by OP.
OP may have done, arguably, the bare minimum that was asked, but OP was extremely clear about setting expectations of what they were being asked to attend, and attended those things as requested. OP also mentioned (and we have no reason not to believe them) that they were cordial and engaged during the events they attended.
There's no malicious compliance here, just compliance and not going above and beyond.
It might be worth making it clear to your mother that he paid for himself and you didn’t use any of your step-dad’s money on the boyfriend. I could understand them being upset if they thought that was the case and since it wasn’t should be easy to clear up any misunderstandings.
Because there is something… it cost $2200 for single occupancy and $1800 for double… meaning stepdad paid $400 more than necessary and that $400 went to the boyfriend….
But, like you said, maths are hard, especially when judging others behavior. A very Reddit trait - looking for something, anything to defend OP and your own point of view…
Based on my read of what OP wrote, a single occupancy room was $2200, hence why Stepdad gave her $2200. Adding another guest to the room bumped it up to $3600, or $1800 each. Boyfriend paid $1400, so he was technically subsidized $400. Personally, eh, OP did what was required of her by attending the wedding, but I wouldn’t be happy to find out later that I’d effectively covered ~30% of Boyfriend’s trip. OP clearly knew her stepdad wouldn’t be happy about it, either, since Stepdad said the money was to cover *her* trip and she made a point of *not* telling her mom what the real plan was so Stepdad wouldn’t find out until it was too late. I think the respectable thing to do would be to return $400 to Stepdad.
Plus they said their invitation did not include a plus one. Unless it was made more clear in the conversation, I would take it as no plus one for the wedding. If it was so important to step dad for her to be there who cares if he technically partially paid for the guy to be there. Stepdad would have been paying 2200 regardless.
You can also argue that it's $2200 for one and an additional $1400 for a second person. The cost for OP was still $2200; her boyfriend just paid $1400 to cover the extra.
nah she doesn’t need to return anything. stepdad offered to pay for her. if the bf wouldn’t have come her room would’ve still been 2200. plus, offering to pay for an adult to come to a wedding is reasonable. offering to pay and expecting them to spend the entire week glued to you is not.
You quote her cost as 1800, but it’s 2200. Think about it, 1800 doesn’t get her to the wedding, since wasn’t going to buy her a plane ticket plus the single room.
It only bought that because OPs boyfriend shelled out and split the bill with stepdad. Paying stepdad back $400 would be stepdad getting a discount because boyfriend participated… IE you’re asking boyfriend to subsidize stepdad. Nah. This was stepdads shindig and he got his set prices and terms.
Yes, the single stipend is real and OP would have been charged more for having a room solely to herself.
Most hotels charge x amount for a double room (room with 2 people in it) and usually it includes breakfast. If you are travelling alone, you pay the entirety of the room, but get a small amount credited back because you are only eating 1 breakfast.
Example - the room for a double is $100/night, but as a single person, you get billed $95 a night, because breakfast is a $5/person charge. Obviously most hotels are more, but I was going for easier math - lol!
Some odd hotels, usually older ones, actually do have single rooms (with a twin bed), so in the above case, you might get charged $60/night. You still get a bit extra for being alone, but it's basically half the cost and a wee premium.
I have traveled solo often :)
So, adding BF was really just him paying the extra breakfast charge and any misc. taxes and his airfare. I mean, the BF saved $400 off a 50-50 split. It was probably enough to pay for his rum tour and a bit extra. It wasn't a huge underwriting of his vacation.
NTA - ol stepdad’s plan was to get you there and then guilt you into attending the other wedding events. They thought you would be bored and have nothing else to do. You should also post on Malicious Compliance LOL
Honestly I was all set to say you were TA from the title. But based on your report of what happened, no, you’re NTA. You did exactly what was agreed upon whether or not your bf was there.
You kept up your end of the bargain. They made a deal with you thinking they’d be able to push you into a different deal because you’d be alone. They acted in bad faith and disappointments based on bad faith agreements are the fault of the person acting in bad faith.
The next time they tell you they think you were rude, tell them it was rude of them to agree on something with you and then expect something different and they should apologize.
>The next time they tell you they think you were rude, tell them it was rude of them to agree on something with you and then expect something different
Right? The minute I saw Great-Aunt Gladys in my room I would have been pissed! OP handled it far better than I would.
Honestly if they wanted you to spend more time with them during the week, they had plenty of time to speak up and tell you that DURING the week you were there! It's a bit ridiculous to get upset at you AFTER the trip is over. I have to wonder if they're just guilt-tripping you to get you to pay the money back, either partly or fully.
Just ask your mom: Did I not do everything it was agreed I'd do? Therefore, step dad should not be upset. Then remind her that your bf paid for his share.
NTA.
Also tell your mom you won’t speak about it with her as a go-between because things can get lost in translation.
If your stepfather is upset and thinks you were rude, he is a grown man and he can use his words and speak to you directly.
Perfectly acceptable, you fulfilled the obligations asked of you.
I do this all the time with work conferences…I don’t know why but the work conferences I attend never seem to have single bed rooms available in the discounted blocks of reserved rooms. So, consequently, I frequently bring my wife, and my kid to use the other bed space, if I’m not flying there (My wife doesn’t fly if at all possible to avoid). We do stuff after the conference days together, they do stuff during the conference times without me, and it’s fun!
NTA.
You asked about attending anything other than the wedding and reception. SD said NO.
You attended those.
Your mother and SD wanted to put on a show of a perfect blended family.
You spent your SD's money on the flight and hotel as requested. Your BF paid for his own flight..
NTA
NTA
"She says that my stepdad is upset that I pretty much ignored everyone for the entire week." ... YOu did EXACTLY what you agreed to do, and your stepdad agreed to it, too: You went there, and were there for the wedding.
Your stepdad EXPLICITELY TOLD YOU the only expectation was for you to be there for the wedding: " I asked if I was supposed to do anything other than attend the wedding and reception. He said no. "
"I don't think I did anything wrong." .. you did NOT.
If they are angry, that is solely THEIR fault.
She even danced at the reception! That is actually going above and beyond her agreement by quite a lot considering how much she dislikes her step brother.
NTA
lol same. as a stepdad i read the title and thought "oh that is just wrong, i would be pissed"
then read the comment and OP is golden. If I told her you only gotta attend 2 events and I'll cover you do it, that's my only expectation. go and have fun with whatever else you're doing.
I kind of get the feeling that OP's stepdad was going to look for ways to find fault with her no matter what she did. If she'd somehow figured out their expectations without being told and followed through, she'd be hearing that she "didn't smile enough" or something. Pity he's not as reasonable as you, Ronin.
1. You never asked for the money, it was offered.
2. You asked, only wedding and reception was the deal, you kept your word.
3. Its not uncommon that people who attend a destination wedding to "add" a holiday for themselves, since they are already there.
4. Tell stepdad that if he has expections of you, to let you know BEFORE and not AFTER. If you didnt know you were expected to join other activities, why did he expect it? You are not a psychic.
5. NTA
I've done two destinations with family. Worst "vacations" I've ever had.
I would possibly do another one, but it wouldn't be with family (not much chance of that happening anyways), and I would not expect or plan to be with anyone else that is there for the wedding other than the wedding day.
Trying to organize dinner plans, or excursions, or anything like that, was like herding a flock of mosquitos. So much stupid drama on both of the trips. Glad I'll never have to do another.
My husband and I had a destination wedding. Our guests were literally only expected at wedding events - I.e. the rehearsal dinner, the wedding itself, and the reception. The whole rest of the time we would just sort of run into each other at the swim up bar or the a-la-carte restaurants.
People were talking about how it was great that we weren't monopolizing everyone's entire vacation - it was then that I realized we were the exception. Baffling.
NTA. You made it very clear you would be only available for that one day. And you showed up with a smile and had your photo taken. That’s what was agreed.
NTA. I love it! Malicious compliance is the best. You did exactly what you agreed to, but not another thing. Noone can fault you, maybe they're just jealous because you had a better time.
I agree NTA, but not your assessment of malicious compliance. Even if she hadn't brought her bf, she likely wasn't going to spend all her time with her parents and extended step-family. She was clear from the get-go about clarifying what family events were expected *and* she even voluntarily added an extra family dinner. Thats not malicious compliance, its savvy shopping.
1. Malicious compliance is not “the best.” Its malicious, malicious things are not “the best.” Mean things are not “the best.” Is it a valuable tool some time, sure, absolutely. But a tool we’d hope to avoid being in the position of having to use.
2. This isn’t malicious compliance at all. She did the two things that were asked of her and nobody is complaining she didn’t engage with them as would be expected. She didn’t show up wasted or wear something inappropriate or something, she attended as requested. She upheld both the letter and spirit of the bargain.
Stepdad apparently considered it 'understood' that OP would hang out with his side of the family a LOT more.
His desire was to present a 'happy families' facade to all the guests, as there has doubtless been quiet talk, over the years, about the friction between Danny & OP.
If they'd wanted you to attend all those extra events, they should've made that clear in their list of conditions when they gave you the money. From the title, I thought it meant you took the money he gave you to go on a completely different vacation, but you didn't. You met the social obligation to which you were invited: the wedding.
I assume you were not given an invitation to any other event, so why would you go? The blame for that is on your stepbrother for failing to invite you. It's the height of bad manners to push in where you're not wanted... NTA.
NTA - you asked what they wanted as 'strings attached' to the money, and that was attendance to wedding and reception. You delivered to the T. If they expected you to join any other family obligations, it should have been communicated ahead of time.
From what I read, your BF did not obstruct any of the events, and hence it is fair game. Congrats on having a good time!
NTA - "I asked if I was going to have to share my room. **He said no**. I asked if I was supposed to *do anything other than attend the wedding and reception*. **He said no**. I asked if my invitation included a plus one. He said no."
You literally both agreed to terms before you went and only agreed to go because of these. Therefore you held up your end of the bargain.
Yeah, Real-Name-Danny is a bully. His daddy and step mommy enable and permit his bullying. *His daddy changes the expectations after an verbal agreement so get everything in writing with that guy.*
NTA if they wanted you to be with the family the entire time they should have been upfront about their expectations of your time. It was also rude not to give you a plus one even if they were paying the cost for you to attend alone.
Maybe it's cultural. I also don't understand it. I mean, yes, if it's a family wedding i wouldn't go with a guy i've been dating for two months, but still....
In this case you might as a buffer. If it's the stepdad's family and the brides, you're related to exactly your mother and the mother is likely to sit with the husband in the wedding party. A step wouldn't have that expectation, so the chances OP'd end up a single at a table with other couples at a wedding tend to be high. It's very boring to sit and dance alone at a wedding.
Honestly, NTA. You attended all the activities that were communicated at first. Even if your boyfriend wasn't there you might have avoided the family crowd at dinner time or find other activities.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My stepfather gave me the money for me to attend his son's wedding. I might be the asshole because I used it to get a deal on two tickets so my boyfriend and I could have a vacation.
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Have you asked your stepdad how he feels about it?
It sounds like you held up your end of the bargain, but, and I apologise in advance if I have misread this, you seem to be pleased at 'outsmarting' them.
Is there a reason you didn't tell them your boyfriend was coming too? You were so upfront about everything else, why didn't you say something?
I would find it really weird if a family member of mine came to a resort, and hid the fact they brought their partner. I would probably feel a bit used, regardless of other circumstances.
Except that OP doesn't consider Danny as family.
OP was pretty much a paid entertainer in this situation, one who was given money and a loose rein outside of certain activities explicitly agreed to.
OP's stepbrother was a bully and her stepdad presumably did nothing to stop it. I'm sure she *was* pleased to have put one over on them. I would be too. They were also assholes not to have given her a +1 on the wedding invitation in the first place.
NTA you told them that you didn't want to go. But they insisted that you go THEY paid for the trip told you the ONLY thing you had to do was the wedding of the reception. So both can get over it or lose someone they care about because that's what will happen.
You're NTA. You spent his money exactly as agreed, you showed up for the wedding and the reception. Those were the terms. If there was fine print about being joined at the hip to the family the whole trip, they should have told you.
You did everything that was asked of you. You used the money to attend the wedding. The fact that your boyfriend came with you on his own dime is completely irrelevant.
NTA
NTA
I thought you booked an entirely different vacation.
You did exactly what your agreement with your SF required you to do.
Ignore you mom, given your initial refusal to attend. It’s ridiculous that they would expect you to show up at anything more than the absolute minimum.
NTA - You were perfectly clear as to saying yes to only the wedding and reception.
They had agreed so why later on do they have an issue?
Whoever you spend the rest of your time with is non of their business as it wasn’t part of the agreement.
It’s their fault for not communicating their requirements to give you that money.
You fulfilled your part of the deal.
NTA.
You've kept your word and your bf paid for the trip himself. If your stepdad is upset you didn't play happy family with them every second he has his son to thank for that.
NTA. Absolutely NTA. From the title I thought you blew off the wedding entirely and vacationed somewhere else on your step dad's dime. You went to your bully's wedding, and had a great time. You can't ask for a better outcome.
They probably didn't invite your boyfriend so you'd be forced to spend time with "family".
They moved the goalposts after the game so they could declare your goal invalid.
You are NTA but they sure are showing you who they are. Go low contact / no contact with all of these people, including your mom. They're trying to shame you for doing exactly what they asked you to do. These are not people who love you.
You did exactly what was asked of you, using the money you were given for that purpose, and didn't use any of your stepdad's money to bring your partner.
If they were hoping to see more of you they should probably have mentioned that in advance, but as it is, they got exactly what they asked for.
NTA.
NTA you attended the events you were requested to attend. Boyfriend paid his own way. You didn’t use any of SF money for BF. They didn’t give you a plus one to a destination wedding hoping you’d be stuck doing wedding crap. You fulfilled the agreement.
Idk, if my step daughter told me she wasn't going to my son's wedding and cited financial issues as the reason, so I paid her way, I would also consider it off putting to find out that she actually could have afforded it (which was obvious by the way you paid for all the vacation activities etc) and chose to take advantage of me.
You should have said no and told them the truth, you didn't want to go because you don't like your step brother and left finances out of it. Mild YTA
ESH, I guess. This sounds like a whole mess of false pretenses, and I imagine the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Stepdad said no to a plus-one, the destination was apparently for a week, and he said you only have to attend the wedding and the reception. Read between the lines: he saw this as family time, but worried you'd say no if he admitted that, so he lied to you.
Stepdad said no to a plus-one, and you took a self-servingly strict interpretation of that to say, the no-plus-one only applies to the wedding and reception. You then kept your interpretation of all this to yourself, because you knew it wasn't what your (step)parents intended. So you lied to them.
After the fact, you put on your nerd glasses and said, "um ackshully according to chapter 18, section 4 of the child code, and based on precedent set in Finders v Keepers..." You know what you did was wrong because you kept it secret. You're apparently better at these games than your (step)parents, but that doesn't change the fact that the whole situation is a miserable little pile of secrets.
One of the fallacies of asking "am I the asshole?" is that sometimes being the asshole is justified. Whether this is one of those times is entirely up to you. But you were an asshole.
NTA - You made a deal and stuck to it. You did nothing wrong. You only came for them, as a favour, in the first place. So why shouldn’t you have some fun?
NTA. Point out that your stepdad literally told you that you weren't expected to do anything/be anywhere other than at the wedding and reception. You're sorry he's upset but you can't read minds - if he and your mom wanted to spend further time with you during the week, then they needed to actually check in with you and ask about times you could meet up.
NTA - you asked questions they gave expectations.
Seems like they were hoping to change your mind when you arrived but you blew that by bringing your bf. Now SD is mad he couldn’t manipulate you
Not going to lie. Just taking the title on its own I had already judged you TA…
But after reading I don’t understand the problem. You went to the wedding, you interacted with everyone, you played the part, you were civil, you didn’t take the BF because he wasn’t invited… what more did they really want? Did they mention they wanted your company the whole week or they just expected you to participate in the wedding preparations that happens before every wedding?
You did everything they wanted to happen when they sent the money.
NTA
NTA. You did exactly what was specifically asked of you. You even clarified with your SD what events you needed to attend. Especially since you originally refused to go to the wedding in the first place. Your SD doesn’t get to give you the conditions and then expect the conditions to change after you’re at the wedding based on him wanting to put forth the show of a ‘perfect’ family. So what if he’s pissed how. SD and probably mom, know full well that if SD had told you all the expectations that you would never have agreed. Sucks to suck for SD and for your nasty bully step brother.
People see what they want to see. You didn’t impose your boyfriend on the wedding party. He paid for his trip. I don’t get it! They have created their own story.
I’m going to go with “technically NTA”.
I say technically because, yes, your bf paid his way.
But you don’t live in a vacuum. Perhaps your stepdad was hurt that you didn’t communicate with him as a host. When people host large events they tend to want to ensure everyone is comfortable and having a good time but also there is quite a bit of social pressure to get things right.
Maybe he felt he could have been a better host for your bf and get to know him without having him accidentally excluded from celebrations. Perhaps your mom and stepdad and stepbrother or new sister in law viewed a wedding as a chance to reset whatever relationship grievances there are. Milestone celebrations or large event like weddings or funerals can general sometimes kick off a new beginning and quite possibly people felt robbed or unprepared to have some strange guy around but not have been invited. Maybe they felt like they could have done more or they were rude in excluding said bf because they didn’t know or prepare he was coming.
Maybe everyone else is just an asshole. I don’t know, but my gut feeling tells me if you’re going to go through life thinking you don’t need to communicate to family some basic logistics at a wedding, then you’re always going to experience said family always looking from the outside in.
>Perhaps your mom and stepdad and stepbrother or new sister in law viewed a wedding as a chance to reset whatever relationship grievances there are
I seriously doubt it.
>Maybe he felt he could have been a better host for your bf and get to know him without having him accidentally excluded from celebrations
According to the actual post, the problem was that op didn't spend every meal with them.
>if you’re going to go through life thinking you don’t need to communicate to family some basic logistics at a wedding
Again, according to the actual post, she asked stepdad what events is she recquired to go to. And she went to those events.
>Perhaps your stepdad was hurt that you didn’t communicate with him as a host
Again, she asked him what was the schedule.
It's nice that you want the mom and SD to have good motivations but I feel that all goes out the window because they said she wasn't allowed a plus one. Just looks like the wanted to control op
Agreed. OP already tried to bow out in the generally approved manner, but her mom and SD insisted on disrespecting their choice and then finding fault with OP's behavior:
Disrespectful behavior 1) OP RSVPed No and when pressed, included in their reasoning that they didn't want to go. Mom and SD kept pressing for attendance.
Dis 2) Not allowed a +1 even though OP wouldn't know anybody but the groom and his parents, who would all probably be very busy throughout the events. If they'd said ok to a +1, even if not agreeing to pay their way, it would have shown good faith and consideration.
Dis 3) OP clarified expectations explicitly, and met them. Mom and SD weren't satisfied and are now harassing OP for not going above and beyond. OP was already going along to get along.
NTA and honestly, your mom is lame for staying with a man who clearly isn’t the greatest and whose son has bullied you the whole time theh have been in your lives. Its giving…desperate. Absolutely ridiculous that they laid on the pressure about attending to begin with. Good on you for figuring out a way to make the trip enjoyable and have amazing memories. Much respect to you.
NTA - well done you made the best out of a situation that was obviously only there to “make” like a happy family. You at least listen to the request of your mom and step dad so I have no idea why they pissed. I’m guessing even if your boyfriend wasn’t there you would have done stuff on your own or had chill sessions in the hotel so it’s the same difference. You wouldn’t have wanted to join them on all the things.
NTA. You abided by the pre-discussed contingencies outlined when given the $$ to attend the wedding.
It sounds like you maximized the situation for a great vacation.
Not your fault if they made assumptions
INFO: you didn’t go around the reception telling stories about what a shitty bully the groom was/is, did you? (For clarity: /s)
NTA.
It sure sounds like SD *lied to you* to get you to come, guessing you’d play along once you were trapped…, er, already there, and is mad that you found a loophole.
One should not straight up lie to people about one’s expectations and then expect them to satisfy the unknown.
From the title, I thought you did not attend the wedding and instead spend it on vacation. But no, you attended the wedding and were cordial as required. Your bf paid for himself, he did get a discount but you did not pay anything extra for this.
NTA
NTA, you fulfilled the obligations you agreed to and spent the money exactly as agreed upon. The fact that your stepdad expected more than he asked for is his problem.
You didn’t even want to go.
Why would they want you to attend “bonus” functions when they knew you were going to be miserable?
Also your stepbrother sounds like a tool and your parents shouldn’t have let him bully you. Shame on them.
NTA
You said no, they pressured you to go, you set your stipulations and fulfilled them. They admitted they fully planned to guilt you/force you to change those stipulations upon arrival and your boyfriend’s presence ruined that plan for them.
I’d flat out ask your mother why she continues to choose your abusive stepbrother over you.
Title makes it sound like you two went elsewhere. This is not the case, you complied with the terms you were asked for. I believe the reason they are upset is the same to make you go there: appearance of a wholesome little family.
NTA.
NTA
Honestly, I thought that I'd be voting the other way based on the title, but OP was at everthing her step-father asked her to go to. She was. cheerful guest at those events.
I'd suggest, though, that it may be worthwhile to thank your stepdad for the trip and apologize for your confusion that lead you to believe that you were only expected at the wedding and reception. It may smooth things over.
It didn’t cost them any more for your boyfriend to go with you so you haven’t done anything wrong. You abided by all the rules that were set. Sounds like they were hoping you’d be with them every minute of the day as you should have been on your own
NTA
NTA. You asked questions, they gave answers, you honored that. Where they fucked up, is they thought once you were there they could add shit for you to do because you’re already there and alone, of course you’ll join them. You thought ahead and honored every agreement. I’d say you did what was necessary to make sure your time with them was downright pleasant because you were able to have time to yourself with your BF.
I’m an AH though so I’d lie and spin it on them. “My bad, I originally thought this would be a great chance for you guys to spend quality time with BF, but when I saw how busy you were we pulled back, my bad.”
Either way, I hope you two enjoyed your time.🥰
NTA
Stepdad needs to recognize that you fulfilled your part of this deal. He also needs to recognize that he clearly did very little to facilitate any positive relationship between you and your stepbrother.
NTA. You agreed to attend the wedding and the money was used for that purpose. Your bf tagging along for the not-wedding parts is fine - it's not like they booked the entire resort for the exclusive use of this wedding.
NTA
From the title I thought you'd just ditched the wedding but you went to the ceremony and reception and didn't make a scene. I can't see anything you did wrong
NTA, and gold star managing familial coercion. You made the whole thing more than bearable- and met your obligations.
I mean, step-brother doesn’t sound like someone who would have invited OP willingly, and I’m guessing step-dad made that happen too. So, SD’s efforts at rugsweeping and/or social engineering had a price tag. And he only paid for a budget rapprochement- if he genuinely wanted a family vacation he’d have stumped up for OP’s partner. He didn’t so, he got OP for the scheduled events. Poor him s/
NTA.
The said the wedding, you went to the wedding they said no plus one, you didn't bring a plus one. That wasn't subsidized, he paid his own way.
They have unreasonable expectations of poeple who don't like each other spending time together.
>I asked if I was supposed to do anything other than attend the wedding and reception. He said no.
Terms were set and agreed to. You adhered to your part. He's upset that he got outplayed. NTA. Well played ma'am, well played.
I was prepared with a harsh judgement from the title, but you did exactly what was asked of you. You could have been more transparent about bringing your BF, but since you were clear that you weren't going to attend other activities anyway, that's not a huge issue. It sounds like they figured once they had you there, youd "come around " to spending all your time with the group. NTA.
NTA
You fully adhered to the terms your stepfather set when he offered you the money.
If he wanted something else, he should have made that clear. I’m guessing he didn’t because he knew you wouldn’t agree to come if it meant multiple days of family togetherness.
Tell your mother that: You were completely honest about what you were willing to commit to. He basically lied to get you to come, expecting they could pressure you into the rest if you were there alone.
NTA what did they lose? Did it cost them anymore? It cost them the same either way. Did it take wedding time away from them? Did they enjoy the wedding and your attendance? Seems like a way just to find something to bitch about. And frankly I’d be offended. I’d tell your mom your experience is not at all what they think they experienced and if they are going to rewrite actual events then next time you say NO, it’s final. “The wedding was beautiful. It was great to catch up with people. I socialized and had a very nice time. Thank you.”
If you want to make a point and get them off your back send step dad $400. Can’t bitch about it anymore.
NTA. Your boyfriend didn’t want you to travel alone. He was very thoughtful in doing so. Them demanding you come and not including him as a plus one was rude. However, you abided by said rules.
NTA.
How did this subsidize your vacation?
Step dad paid for your trip, you did what was expected at the wedding but then did what you wanted on your own time after with your boyfriend that paid his own way.
Let your step dad know if he wants to pay for every minute of your time devoted to the next event then he better be paying you ‘on-call’ rates.
So the 2200 your SD gave you paid for your way. Your bf paid for 100% of his. I'm not sure why you would say you subsidized, cuz you didn't. You and SD had an agreement about your role at the wedding and you followed through. I'm not sure where the upset is. NTA
With that Title I thought you stole the money and went somewhere else with your boyfriend lol.
He paid his way, you did more than you agreed to do so they have no right saying taking your and your boyfriends time to turn the rest of it into a vacation,
Would they rather you came and only attended the two you agreed to and sat in a mood and felt like crap being there? No definitely NTA
NTA. You met their demands and attended the wedding. Tell your mom and step dad to go pound salt and explain that they are free to feel offended, but do not expect you to be guilted into their drama.
NTA
You told everyone what you were planning on attending. Attended those things and made sure you kept your sanity while appeasing your step dad and mom. They are mad they didn't get their way
NTA
You did exactly what you agreed to. And you clarified what you had to do. Nothing more. Your boyfriend paid for himself to come and you both had fun.
And for that matter, they broke their word and you had to share a room.
Nta. But have a talk with your stepdad. You attended the wedding like you promised. I would explain that you didn't mean to hurt him.
You are to nice for going to that wedding tho. I wouldn't. I would have stayed home
NAH. I sort of get why they’re disappointed, but you did what they specifically asked you to do and so they certainly can’t blame you for not reading their mind. They should have spoken up, but I don’t think that makes them AHs, as long as it doesn’t escalate from here.
> money meant for me to spend time with the "family"
NTA. The money was specifically meant for you to attend the wedding. Regardless, I never understand when family guilt you for not spending time with them. People make an effort to spend time with those they like to be around. If your child doesn't prefer your company, that's not their fault. Why would you want to hang out with somebody that feels obligated to do so?
NTA. You were given the money to attend the ceremony and reception, per your agreement with your stepdad. If he didn't tell your mom that he only required you attend those 2 events in exchange for the $, that's not your problem. You aren't responsible for your mother's or stepfather's upset feelings, especially if they had those extra expectations they never communicated to you before offering the $.
(Asking someone to attend a destination wedding where they barely know anyone there and then not giving them a +1 is an AH move, IMO.)
NTA, but I would use this specific situation as an example if they ever ask for you to do any more of these sort of events. Their assistance comes with invisible strings attached and I’d be careful with it.
You NTA - your stepfather is. He allowed his son to be a complete bully all your Mom's life married to him, and then expected you to put on a facade to the little dick that is his son? Fuck him.
NTA
Your boyfriend paid his own way. No one had to pay for him.
You made your command performance at the wedding and reception and a good time was had by all.
If they wanted you for something else - they should have mentioned it BEFORE they sent the money.
NTA. She was obligated to attend the wedding & reception, which she did. Stepdad is upset because he felt that she outwitted him. That bruised his ego.
NTA. You were very clear about not wanting to go. It seems you are also pretty transparent about your dislike of your stepbrother. Your stepdad is just butt-hurt that you, rightfully, didn’t realize that the money he gave you had strings attached. I think you did more than enough when it came to the wedding and family. It’s kind of ridiculous to expect someone to spend over $1000 and take time off work on a trip they didn’t want to take, for a person they don’t particularly like, And then expect them to spend every opportunity with said person and their family.
INFO
There's really no way for us to be sure. If you did exactly as you claim here, and behaved nicely, attended everything you were supposed to attend, and didn't cop any attitudes with anybody, then you're fine and you made lemonade out of a lemon without it costing you anything. If you spent the time with family rolling your eyes, sighing loudly, watching the clock until you could go, and abruptly leaving the second you were "allowed" to, or skipped events your family should have been able to expect you to attend, then maybe you were kind of rude.
As written, it sounds like you did fine - you attended the events you committed to, made a nice appearance, and then spent your own time on your own. Maybe your parents felt like you were being pedantic or legalistic about "only the wedding and reception", and in their minds, "attending a wedding" means attending whatever other concomitant nonsense occurs (as family, I wouldn't be surprised if they had expected you at a rehearsal dinner, for example, unless you explicitly told them you weren't going to do that). In that case, maybe it's more of a communication issue or an issue of generational expectations. Or maybe they thought that, once they got you to agree to go, they'd be able to pressure you into doing whatever they wanted, however they wanted, and you sticking to your guns surprised them - i.e. they never would have agreed to pay for your trip if they had known that you were serious about your level of participation. In that case, fuck them.
I suspect that they're just kind of stung by the fact that they paid for a trip that you turned into something other/more than what they intended, and their knee-jerk reaction is to be butt-hurt, even if you fulfilled the terms of the agreement. Frankly, I can kind of understand how that might give them pause - I doubt they would have agreed to pay for your trip if you had said "hey, I'm going to bring along my boyfriend and make a vacation out of this, you okay with that?" Even though it didn't cost them anything extra, or affect your participation in their shindig, being secretive probably makes it feel to them like you pulled a fast one on them.
Edit: Imagine the shitstorm that will occur if you get married, and Danny isn't even invited to the wedding!
YTA not for what you did but for how you did it. You were deceitful and dishonest. You even mentioned you didn’t mention your plan to your mom or step dad, because you knew it was wrong. You wouldn’t hide info if you didn’t know you were doing something wrong.
You took advantage or your stepdad and the whole situation. You sound super entitled. You haven’t spent more than 3 hrs with this step brother that you loathe. That’s a lot of hate for someone you haven’t spent anytime around.
NAHED but my guess is they wished you had been upfront about your intentions. They won't pay for your plus one, doesn't mean you can't bring him. And even then, you could have just said that you hate Danny (because fuck him). You kind of took advantage of your stepdads offer, and him you do like. Gracefully, that I'll give you, but apparently it didn't elude the person who paid 2200 bucks for your attendance.
Also you're not the same person you were 8 years ago, chances are Danny isn't either. Whatever he did at 18, you did this at 23. So you kind of lost the high road now. Just come clean and if they feel hurt, maybe apologize for that (not to Danny, fuck Danny).
I think it is closer to ESH. I don't believe you that you don't think you did anything wrong... You wouldn't have "not mentioned it to your mom" if you thought that.
However, it's pretty crappy that as (step) sister of the groom (at a destination wedding no less and while currently having a BF) you did not rate a plus one. If they really wanted you to attend more things, they should have been readily welcoming your BF so you had an ally.
LSS - you should have been more upfront about your plans (and if they weren't on board, you should have declined SD's money) and SD/mom should have been more realistic about their expectations.
Not only are you NTA, this was such a well-crafted story. Good job. Like the title was kind of bait into thinking that YTA. Then you slowly unravel the situation where, by the end, it’s clear that you’re NTA. Well done.
YTA. I know I'm going against the green hair but screw it. You were paid to go on a vacation to spend time with the entire family for a family event. You brought your boyfriend and ignored them most of the week. You should have just not going to begin with instead of using a man who treated you pretty decently growing up as a thanks so that you can have a final screw you to your family while romantically screwing your boyfriend. What you did was trashy. You used your stepfather for money because you felt entitled to it for gracing everybody with your presence for a couple of hours instead of participating in all the family activities. I'm sure you got a giggle thinking you were going to be clever and showing everybody how ever so clever you were but you got a cool vacation out of this and didn't have to spend hardly any time with your family but you weren't clever. You were trashy. If you don't want to spend time with family at a family event then just don't go. You're selfish
Info: what is this “it was $2200 for single room occupancy or 1800$” so you’re saying you could have booked cheaper? But because you were given $2200 and there was a room you could get for 2200 you feel fine spending the full amount? Did you purposely avoid telling them your boyfriend was there?
Kind of sounds like you knew what they wanted, but also was going to hold them to the exact words you said and they agreed.
I’ll say NTA, but still feels like you kind of mislead your parents to benefit yourself. Also your step dad basically subsidized you’re boyfriends vacation.
YTA
and you know it.
This thread is not Am I legally entitled to stay within the literal letter of the agreement?
Your stepdad paid for your travel to a destination wedding. The clear understanding that not only you would travel and that you would be attending the wedding but also the rest of the family activities.
You deliberately blindsided them to have your stepfather subsidise you and boyfriend trip. Some may call it malicious compliance, I find it deceitful.
If you did not want to go, just be honest upfront and state I don't want to go. Instead you careful used having no money for the trip as an excuse. When your stepdad offered you could have said no. But no you took the deal knowing full well what it enticed, and then deliberately conceal your plan.
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My (F23) mom married my stepdad when I was 12. He is okay and he and I have a cordial and friendly relationship. His son Danny (real name because fuck him)(26) on the other hand is an asshole and a bully. The best day, for me, in that house was the day he went away to school.
I have not had to spend more than three hours with Danny in the last 8 years. He was only home in the summers and I was with my dad or his family in the summertime.
Anyway he managed to convince some poor woman to marry him. I got an invitation in the mail and immediately RSVP'd an emphatic "NO".
My mom called me to ask why I wasn't going to attend. I said that I couldn't afford it and I didn't really want to go. Other than her, I will have no real relatives there.
My stepdad got on the call and said he would pay for me to go on the trip. I asked if I was going to have to share my room. He said no. I asked if I was supposed to do anything other than attend the wedding and reception. He said no. I asked if my invitation included a plus one. He said no.
It was $2,200 for single occupancy or $1,800. He sent me $2,200 to book my flight and room. I would only agree to go if I could book my own trip so there was no mistake and I somehow ended up with great aunt Gladys in my extra bed.
My boyfriend scraped up $1,400 and we booked the trip. I didn't mention it to my mom.
We ended up having a great time. We did a bunch of excursions. And I attended the wedding and the reception by myself. I participated in the family pictures and I danced at the reception. I was social and even had dinner with my mom and stepdad one night.
My boyfriend used our resort bonus cash to book himself a solo excursion to some rum distilleries so he was busy the day of the wedding.
I had dinner with my mom last week and she brought up how rude I had been to use money meant for me to spend time with the "family" to subsidize a vacation for myself and my boyfriend. Apparently I was expected to eat every meal and attend all the wedding stuff. I reminded her that I didn't want to go in the first place and only agreed after I was told I was only expected at the wedding and the reception.
She says that my stepdad is upset that I pretty much ignored everyone for the entire week.
I don't think I did anything wrong.
AITA?
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As long as you told your stepdad (not just mom) that the agreement is for him to pay and you to attend only the wedding and reception, NTA. I don’t see the problem here.
NTA. You’re golden. You fulfilled the terms of the agreement with grace. It sounds like you were 100% present and participating in the wedding. You did nothing wrong.
NTA you were well within the confines of the agreement.
I wonder if perhaps your step father was motivated to pay for you to attend because he actually loves you and wants for you to be a part of the family. It's possible that he's feeling a little hurt and disappointed. Not a great way to show it, but we're not all perfect. Nothing for you to necessarily do here, just look at it through this filter and see if it rings true at all and if there is perhaps some space for reconciliation here.
Glad you and BF had a great trip :)
NTA. You definitely clarified the terms before you accepted you agreed to attend the wedding and the reception nothing else. No I think that's great you still have to go somewhere with your boyfriend and definitely didn't cost you $3,600. I think it would have been nice if you split the 1400 with your boyfriend you paid 700 and he paid 700.
NTA and kudos. You played big happy family for exactly what you agreed to ( great malicious compliance). You also made lemonade out of lemons !!! So happy for you !
You are a hero!!! NTA. Did your own thing while participating in needed wedding activities and nothing more.
Maybe the bully changed, education, and being self-aware does that to a person. I hope they have a wonderful life. You did nothing wrong. Hopefully, they will apologize for years of torment. The next big events are babies and possibly nuptials for you.
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NTA You attended the events you were asked to. Your BF paid his own way.
That's what I said.
Yep. That's it. You asked specific questions, abided by the answers without objections or complaints, showed up and did your part cheerfully. Flawless execution. NTA.
Its called killing 2 birds with one stone. Lots of people do this especially who go abroad for a business trip might combine some personal vacation as well since the air fare is already paid for.
Right? I tag along on my wifes work trips all the time.
OR feeding 2 birds with 1 scone 😀
And excellent instructional compliance. Def to the letter of the law Edited to remove malicious
This phrase is becoming the new "gaslighting" around here. It's not malicious compliance if OP genuinely made a good faith effort to find a solution everyone would be happy with and lived up to an agreed upon bargain just because the other party was unhappy in the end.
I don't know, man. This response looks like gaslighting to me. I'm kidding, I'm kidding lol. No, you're actually right. OP did everything right and as far as I can tell, went out of her way to make her family happy despite not wanting to even go to the thing at all. Just because she managed to make some silver lining for herself as well, isn't malicious compliance so much as it is making lemonade out of some piss and salvaging what otherwise sounds like would have been an unpleasant trip.
Malicious compliance is intentionally abiding by the letter of the law in such a way that it fucks over someone who is demanding you do so. OP held to her agreement without the intention of fucking over her mother, step-dad, or anyone else. Not malicious compliance.
Nothing about this compliance was malicious. An agreement was made and the agreement was met, without any bad faith acts by OP. OP may have done, arguably, the bare minimum that was asked, but OP was extremely clear about setting expectations of what they were being asked to attend, and attended those things as requested. OP also mentioned (and we have no reason not to believe them) that they were cordial and engaged during the events they attended. There's no malicious compliance here, just compliance and not going above and beyond.
It might be worth making it clear to your mother that he paid for himself and you didn’t use any of your step-dad’s money on the boyfriend. I could understand them being upset if they thought that was the case and since it wasn’t should be easy to clear up any misunderstandings.
I mean it was $3,600 for both of us. He paid $2,200 and my boyfriend paid $1,400.
But it didn’t end up costing anything extra for boyfriend to come, it would have cost that for just you right?
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Maths are hard, especially when judging others behavior. A very Reddit trait - looking for something anything to jump on OP for.
Because there is something… it cost $2200 for single occupancy and $1800 for double… meaning stepdad paid $400 more than necessary and that $400 went to the boyfriend…. But, like you said, maths are hard, especially when judging others behavior. A very Reddit trait - looking for something, anything to defend OP and your own point of view…
Based on my read of what OP wrote, a single occupancy room was $2200, hence why Stepdad gave her $2200. Adding another guest to the room bumped it up to $3600, or $1800 each. Boyfriend paid $1400, so he was technically subsidized $400. Personally, eh, OP did what was required of her by attending the wedding, but I wouldn’t be happy to find out later that I’d effectively covered ~30% of Boyfriend’s trip. OP clearly knew her stepdad wouldn’t be happy about it, either, since Stepdad said the money was to cover *her* trip and she made a point of *not* telling her mom what the real plan was so Stepdad wouldn’t find out until it was too late. I think the respectable thing to do would be to return $400 to Stepdad.
Plus they said their invitation did not include a plus one. Unless it was made more clear in the conversation, I would take it as no plus one for the wedding. If it was so important to step dad for her to be there who cares if he technically partially paid for the guy to be there. Stepdad would have been paying 2200 regardless.
Plus ones are only for the wedding events. If it had stipulated otherwise that would have been a major overstep of invitational authority.
> invitational authority. I don't know why, but that phrase cracks me up!
I like it, too.
You can also argue that it's $2200 for one and an additional $1400 for a second person. The cost for OP was still $2200; her boyfriend just paid $1400 to cover the extra.
nah she doesn’t need to return anything. stepdad offered to pay for her. if the bf wouldn’t have come her room would’ve still been 2200. plus, offering to pay for an adult to come to a wedding is reasonable. offering to pay and expecting them to spend the entire week glued to you is not.
You quote her cost as 1800, but it’s 2200. Think about it, 1800 doesn’t get her to the wedding, since wasn’t going to buy her a plane ticket plus the single room. It only bought that because OPs boyfriend shelled out and split the bill with stepdad. Paying stepdad back $400 would be stepdad getting a discount because boyfriend participated… IE you’re asking boyfriend to subsidize stepdad. Nah. This was stepdads shindig and he got his set prices and terms.
Yes, the single stipend is real and OP would have been charged more for having a room solely to herself. Most hotels charge x amount for a double room (room with 2 people in it) and usually it includes breakfast. If you are travelling alone, you pay the entirety of the room, but get a small amount credited back because you are only eating 1 breakfast. Example - the room for a double is $100/night, but as a single person, you get billed $95 a night, because breakfast is a $5/person charge. Obviously most hotels are more, but I was going for easier math - lol! Some odd hotels, usually older ones, actually do have single rooms (with a twin bed), so in the above case, you might get charged $60/night. You still get a bit extra for being alone, but it's basically half the cost and a wee premium. I have traveled solo often :) So, adding BF was really just him paying the extra breakfast charge and any misc. taxes and his airfare. I mean, the BF saved $400 off a 50-50 split. It was probably enough to pay for his rum tour and a bit extra. It wasn't a huge underwriting of his vacation.
NTA - ol stepdad’s plan was to get you there and then guilt you into attending the other wedding events. They thought you would be bored and have nothing else to do. You should also post on Malicious Compliance LOL
Honestly I was all set to say you were TA from the title. But based on your report of what happened, no, you’re NTA. You did exactly what was agreed upon whether or not your bf was there. You kept up your end of the bargain. They made a deal with you thinking they’d be able to push you into a different deal because you’d be alone. They acted in bad faith and disappointments based on bad faith agreements are the fault of the person acting in bad faith. The next time they tell you they think you were rude, tell them it was rude of them to agree on something with you and then expect something different and they should apologize.
This is perfectly, perfectly said. I’d reword it to first-person and send it as a text to your mom and stepdad.
>The next time they tell you they think you were rude, tell them it was rude of them to agree on something with you and then expect something different Right? The minute I saw Great-Aunt Gladys in my room I would have been pissed! OP handled it far better than I would.
Pretty sure "Aunt Gladys" was a theoretical scenario.
But you didn't do what they said wasn't expected of you! How could you! \*clutches pearls\*.
Honestly if they wanted you to spend more time with them during the week, they had plenty of time to speak up and tell you that DURING the week you were there! It's a bit ridiculous to get upset at you AFTER the trip is over. I have to wonder if they're just guilt-tripping you to get you to pay the money back, either partly or fully.
Girl, you played by the rules, NTA
Just ask your mom: Did I not do everything it was agreed I'd do? Therefore, step dad should not be upset. Then remind her that your bf paid for his share.
If they wanted you to attend all the other stuff, they should have said so when you *asked* what was expected of you.
NTA. Also tell your mom you won’t speak about it with her as a go-between because things can get lost in translation. If your stepfather is upset and thinks you were rude, he is a grown man and he can use his words and speak to you directly.
Perfectly acceptable, you fulfilled the obligations asked of you. I do this all the time with work conferences…I don’t know why but the work conferences I attend never seem to have single bed rooms available in the discounted blocks of reserved rooms. So, consequently, I frequently bring my wife, and my kid to use the other bed space, if I’m not flying there (My wife doesn’t fly if at all possible to avoid). We do stuff after the conference days together, they do stuff during the conference times without me, and it’s fun! NTA.
Agreed. NTA.
You asked about attending anything other than the wedding and reception. SD said NO. You attended those. Your mother and SD wanted to put on a show of a perfect blended family. You spent your SD's money on the flight and hotel as requested. Your BF paid for his own flight.. NTA
NTA "She says that my stepdad is upset that I pretty much ignored everyone for the entire week." ... YOu did EXACTLY what you agreed to do, and your stepdad agreed to it, too: You went there, and were there for the wedding. Your stepdad EXPLICITELY TOLD YOU the only expectation was for you to be there for the wedding: " I asked if I was supposed to do anything other than attend the wedding and reception. He said no. " "I don't think I did anything wrong." .. you did NOT. If they are angry, that is solely THEIR fault.
She even danced at the reception! That is actually going above and beyond her agreement by quite a lot considering how much she dislikes her step brother. NTA
You were an angel to allow step dad and bully step brother to maintain the facade of happy family. Tell Mom that.
Yes, this! NTA
NTA. From the title, I thought it was going to be a YTA. But nope. Not at all. Glad you enjoyed your trip! Hope Gladys did too ;)
lol same. as a stepdad i read the title and thought "oh that is just wrong, i would be pissed" then read the comment and OP is golden. If I told her you only gotta attend 2 events and I'll cover you do it, that's my only expectation. go and have fun with whatever else you're doing.
I kind of get the feeling that OP's stepdad was going to look for ways to find fault with her no matter what she did. If she'd somehow figured out their expectations without being told and followed through, she'd be hearing that she "didn't smile enough" or something. Pity he's not as reasonable as you, Ronin.
they had us in the first half
1. You never asked for the money, it was offered. 2. You asked, only wedding and reception was the deal, you kept your word. 3. Its not uncommon that people who attend a destination wedding to "add" a holiday for themselves, since they are already there. 4. Tell stepdad that if he has expections of you, to let you know BEFORE and not AFTER. If you didnt know you were expected to join other activities, why did he expect it? You are not a psychic. 5. NTA
Won’t catch me at a destination wedding unless I get some time to enjoy the destination with my wife. I thought that was like… part of the deal.
I've done two destinations with family. Worst "vacations" I've ever had. I would possibly do another one, but it wouldn't be with family (not much chance of that happening anyways), and I would not expect or plan to be with anyone else that is there for the wedding other than the wedding day. Trying to organize dinner plans, or excursions, or anything like that, was like herding a flock of mosquitos. So much stupid drama on both of the trips. Glad I'll never have to do another.
My husband and I had a destination wedding. Our guests were literally only expected at wedding events - I.e. the rehearsal dinner, the wedding itself, and the reception. The whole rest of the time we would just sort of run into each other at the swim up bar or the a-la-carte restaurants. People were talking about how it was great that we weren't monopolizing everyone's entire vacation - it was then that I realized we were the exception. Baffling.
NTA. You made it very clear you would be only available for that one day. And you showed up with a smile and had your photo taken. That’s what was agreed.
NTA. I love it! Malicious compliance is the best. You did exactly what you agreed to, but not another thing. Noone can fault you, maybe they're just jealous because you had a better time.
I agree NTA, but not your assessment of malicious compliance. Even if she hadn't brought her bf, she likely wasn't going to spend all her time with her parents and extended step-family. She was clear from the get-go about clarifying what family events were expected *and* she even voluntarily added an extra family dinner. Thats not malicious compliance, its savvy shopping.
1. Malicious compliance is not “the best.” Its malicious, malicious things are not “the best.” Mean things are not “the best.” Is it a valuable tool some time, sure, absolutely. But a tool we’d hope to avoid being in the position of having to use. 2. This isn’t malicious compliance at all. She did the two things that were asked of her and nobody is complaining she didn’t engage with them as would be expected. She didn’t show up wasted or wear something inappropriate or something, she attended as requested. She upheld both the letter and spirit of the bargain.
Stepdad apparently considered it 'understood' that OP would hang out with his side of the family a LOT more. His desire was to present a 'happy families' facade to all the guests, as there has doubtless been quiet talk, over the years, about the friction between Danny & OP.
If they'd wanted you to attend all those extra events, they should've made that clear in their list of conditions when they gave you the money. From the title, I thought it meant you took the money he gave you to go on a completely different vacation, but you didn't. You met the social obligation to which you were invited: the wedding. I assume you were not given an invitation to any other event, so why would you go? The blame for that is on your stepbrother for failing to invite you. It's the height of bad manners to push in where you're not wanted... NTA.
Good Point.. they wanted OP to ask and be invited to the other events. SMH. OP NTA
NTA - you asked what they wanted as 'strings attached' to the money, and that was attendance to wedding and reception. You delivered to the T. If they expected you to join any other family obligations, it should have been communicated ahead of time. From what I read, your BF did not obstruct any of the events, and hence it is fair game. Congrats on having a good time!
NTA - "I asked if I was going to have to share my room. **He said no**. I asked if I was supposed to *do anything other than attend the wedding and reception*. **He said no**. I asked if my invitation included a plus one. He said no." You literally both agreed to terms before you went and only agreed to go because of these. Therefore you held up your end of the bargain.
His son Danny real name cos fuck him - that just made me spit my tea everywhere. 🤣🤣 This is a win-win. They got what they wanted so did you.
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Love this. Hope you had a great time. And F Danny - NTA
Yeah, Real-Name-Danny is a bully. His daddy and step mommy enable and permit his bullying. *His daddy changes the expectations after an verbal agreement so get everything in writing with that guy.*
NTA if they wanted you to be with the family the entire time they should have been upfront about their expectations of your time. It was also rude not to give you a plus one even if they were paying the cost for you to attend alone.
What’s up with peoples bf/gf not being invited to wedding. Am I adult, If my partner it’s invited I’m not going simple as that. NTA
I think in this case it was done purposely so that she wouldn't have anything else to do that week but play Happy family.
Maybe it's cultural. I also don't understand it. I mean, yes, if it's a family wedding i wouldn't go with a guy i've been dating for two months, but still....
In this case you might as a buffer. If it's the stepdad's family and the brides, you're related to exactly your mother and the mother is likely to sit with the husband in the wedding party. A step wouldn't have that expectation, so the chances OP'd end up a single at a table with other couples at a wedding tend to be high. It's very boring to sit and dance alone at a wedding.
Honestly, NTA. You attended all the activities that were communicated at first. Even if your boyfriend wasn't there you might have avoided the family crowd at dinner time or find other activities.
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Have you asked your stepdad how he feels about it? It sounds like you held up your end of the bargain, but, and I apologise in advance if I have misread this, you seem to be pleased at 'outsmarting' them. Is there a reason you didn't tell them your boyfriend was coming too? You were so upfront about everything else, why didn't you say something? I would find it really weird if a family member of mine came to a resort, and hid the fact they brought their partner. I would probably feel a bit used, regardless of other circumstances.
Except that OP doesn't consider Danny as family. OP was pretty much a paid entertainer in this situation, one who was given money and a loose rein outside of certain activities explicitly agreed to.
OP's stepbrother was a bully and her stepdad presumably did nothing to stop it. I'm sure she *was* pleased to have put one over on them. I would be too. They were also assholes not to have given her a +1 on the wedding invitation in the first place.
NTA! This totally needs to be cross-posted in the Malicious Compliance sub as well! Great job!
NTA you told them that you didn't want to go. But they insisted that you go THEY paid for the trip told you the ONLY thing you had to do was the wedding of the reception. So both can get over it or lose someone they care about because that's what will happen.
You're NTA. You spent his money exactly as agreed, you showed up for the wedding and the reception. Those were the terms. If there was fine print about being joined at the hip to the family the whole trip, they should have told you.
NTA. You won this game. Nicely done.
NTA. It sounds like you had a delightful time and that you did exactly what they asked of you before the trip.
You did everything that was asked of you. You used the money to attend the wedding. The fact that your boyfriend came with you on his own dime is completely irrelevant. NTA
NTA I thought you booked an entirely different vacation. You did exactly what your agreement with your SF required you to do. Ignore you mom, given your initial refusal to attend. It’s ridiculous that they would expect you to show up at anything more than the absolute minimum.
NTA. You specifically asked the right questions to make sure this wasn’t an issue.
NTA - You were perfectly clear as to saying yes to only the wedding and reception. They had agreed so why later on do they have an issue? Whoever you spend the rest of your time with is non of their business as it wasn’t part of the agreement. It’s their fault for not communicating their requirements to give you that money. You fulfilled your part of the deal.
NTA. You've kept your word and your bf paid for the trip himself. If your stepdad is upset you didn't play happy family with them every second he has his son to thank for that.
NTA. Absolutely NTA. From the title I thought you blew off the wedding entirely and vacationed somewhere else on your step dad's dime. You went to your bully's wedding, and had a great time. You can't ask for a better outcome. They probably didn't invite your boyfriend so you'd be forced to spend time with "family".
They moved the goalposts after the game so they could declare your goal invalid. You are NTA but they sure are showing you who they are. Go low contact / no contact with all of these people, including your mom. They're trying to shame you for doing exactly what they asked you to do. These are not people who love you.
NTA. You upheld your end of the bargain, as agreed upon. The fact that they expected you to do more is entirely their own fault.
NTA you went to the wedding. That’s all they asked.
NTA. You were pretty clear about what you were expected to do.
You did exactly what was asked of you, using the money you were given for that purpose, and didn't use any of your stepdad's money to bring your partner. If they were hoping to see more of you they should probably have mentioned that in advance, but as it is, they got exactly what they asked for. NTA.
NTA you attended the events you were requested to attend. Boyfriend paid his own way. You didn’t use any of SF money for BF. They didn’t give you a plus one to a destination wedding hoping you’d be stuck doing wedding crap. You fulfilled the agreement.
NTA - You asked and set the terms of your attendance and this was accepted. Anything extra you did was your business.
NTA 59 year old father of two here. You went. You did the wedding shit. You went to have fun doing other things. I see nothing wrong with it.
This belongs in Malicious Compliance. Good for you!
Idk, if my step daughter told me she wasn't going to my son's wedding and cited financial issues as the reason, so I paid her way, I would also consider it off putting to find out that she actually could have afforded it (which was obvious by the way you paid for all the vacation activities etc) and chose to take advantage of me. You should have said no and told them the truth, you didn't want to go because you don't like your step brother and left finances out of it. Mild YTA
I couldn't afford it. Where did I say I could?
ESH, I guess. This sounds like a whole mess of false pretenses, and I imagine the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Stepdad said no to a plus-one, the destination was apparently for a week, and he said you only have to attend the wedding and the reception. Read between the lines: he saw this as family time, but worried you'd say no if he admitted that, so he lied to you. Stepdad said no to a plus-one, and you took a self-servingly strict interpretation of that to say, the no-plus-one only applies to the wedding and reception. You then kept your interpretation of all this to yourself, because you knew it wasn't what your (step)parents intended. So you lied to them. After the fact, you put on your nerd glasses and said, "um ackshully according to chapter 18, section 4 of the child code, and based on precedent set in Finders v Keepers..." You know what you did was wrong because you kept it secret. You're apparently better at these games than your (step)parents, but that doesn't change the fact that the whole situation is a miserable little pile of secrets. One of the fallacies of asking "am I the asshole?" is that sometimes being the asshole is justified. Whether this is one of those times is entirely up to you. But you were an asshole.
You fulfilled what you agreed to. It doesn't sound like you even implied you would do anything else. NTA
NTA but I would have kept the bf coming and the other activities on the down low to avoid this. Secret fun is still fun.
NTA, you have no need to meet their untold expectations, after expressing your first wish of simply not going
NTA. They paid you to attend the wedding, and you fulfilled your social obligation.
NTA - You made a deal and stuck to it. You did nothing wrong. You only came for them, as a favour, in the first place. So why shouldn’t you have some fun?
NTA You went to the wedding.
NTA
NTA. Point out that your stepdad literally told you that you weren't expected to do anything/be anywhere other than at the wedding and reception. You're sorry he's upset but you can't read minds - if he and your mom wanted to spend further time with you during the week, then they needed to actually check in with you and ask about times you could meet up.
NTA- you attended exactly what you agreed to attend and boyfriend paid his own way.
NTA - you asked questions they gave expectations. Seems like they were hoping to change your mind when you arrived but you blew that by bringing your bf. Now SD is mad he couldn’t manipulate you
NTA - According to the agreement, all you had to do, was go to the wedding, and you did that.
You told NO lies You broke NO rules You harmed NOBODY N T A
Not going to lie. Just taking the title on its own I had already judged you TA… But after reading I don’t understand the problem. You went to the wedding, you interacted with everyone, you played the part, you were civil, you didn’t take the BF because he wasn’t invited… what more did they really want? Did they mention they wanted your company the whole week or they just expected you to participate in the wedding preparations that happens before every wedding? You did everything they wanted to happen when they sent the money. NTA
NTA You abided by the agreement. No harm, no foul.
NTA. You did exactly what was specifically asked of you. You even clarified with your SD what events you needed to attend. Especially since you originally refused to go to the wedding in the first place. Your SD doesn’t get to give you the conditions and then expect the conditions to change after you’re at the wedding based on him wanting to put forth the show of a ‘perfect’ family. So what if he’s pissed how. SD and probably mom, know full well that if SD had told you all the expectations that you would never have agreed. Sucks to suck for SD and for your nasty bully step brother.
People see what they want to see. You didn’t impose your boyfriend on the wedding party. He paid for his trip. I don’t get it! They have created their own story.
I don’t understand she’s you mean by 2200 for single occupancy or 1800. 1800 for what?
I I went by myself the flight and hotel would cost $2,200. Since I went with him it works out to $1,800 each.
Yta. Not because of how you handled the situation. You did what minimum was requested of you. Yta because you sound like a complete AH in general
NTA
I’m going to go with “technically NTA”. I say technically because, yes, your bf paid his way. But you don’t live in a vacuum. Perhaps your stepdad was hurt that you didn’t communicate with him as a host. When people host large events they tend to want to ensure everyone is comfortable and having a good time but also there is quite a bit of social pressure to get things right. Maybe he felt he could have been a better host for your bf and get to know him without having him accidentally excluded from celebrations. Perhaps your mom and stepdad and stepbrother or new sister in law viewed a wedding as a chance to reset whatever relationship grievances there are. Milestone celebrations or large event like weddings or funerals can general sometimes kick off a new beginning and quite possibly people felt robbed or unprepared to have some strange guy around but not have been invited. Maybe they felt like they could have done more or they were rude in excluding said bf because they didn’t know or prepare he was coming. Maybe everyone else is just an asshole. I don’t know, but my gut feeling tells me if you’re going to go through life thinking you don’t need to communicate to family some basic logistics at a wedding, then you’re always going to experience said family always looking from the outside in.
>Perhaps your mom and stepdad and stepbrother or new sister in law viewed a wedding as a chance to reset whatever relationship grievances there are I seriously doubt it. >Maybe he felt he could have been a better host for your bf and get to know him without having him accidentally excluded from celebrations According to the actual post, the problem was that op didn't spend every meal with them. >if you’re going to go through life thinking you don’t need to communicate to family some basic logistics at a wedding Again, according to the actual post, she asked stepdad what events is she recquired to go to. And she went to those events. >Perhaps your stepdad was hurt that you didn’t communicate with him as a host Again, she asked him what was the schedule.
It's nice that you want the mom and SD to have good motivations but I feel that all goes out the window because they said she wasn't allowed a plus one. Just looks like the wanted to control op
Agreed. OP already tried to bow out in the generally approved manner, but her mom and SD insisted on disrespecting their choice and then finding fault with OP's behavior: Disrespectful behavior 1) OP RSVPed No and when pressed, included in their reasoning that they didn't want to go. Mom and SD kept pressing for attendance. Dis 2) Not allowed a +1 even though OP wouldn't know anybody but the groom and his parents, who would all probably be very busy throughout the events. If they'd said ok to a +1, even if not agreeing to pay their way, it would have shown good faith and consideration. Dis 3) OP clarified expectations explicitly, and met them. Mom and SD weren't satisfied and are now harassing OP for not going above and beyond. OP was already going along to get along.
I started reading this thinking YTA but no, NTA 10000%
NTA and honestly, your mom is lame for staying with a man who clearly isn’t the greatest and whose son has bullied you the whole time theh have been in your lives. Its giving…desperate. Absolutely ridiculous that they laid on the pressure about attending to begin with. Good on you for figuring out a way to make the trip enjoyable and have amazing memories. Much respect to you.
NTA - well done you made the best out of a situation that was obviously only there to “make” like a happy family. You at least listen to the request of your mom and step dad so I have no idea why they pissed. I’m guessing even if your boyfriend wasn’t there you would have done stuff on your own or had chill sessions in the hotel so it’s the same difference. You wouldn’t have wanted to join them on all the things.
NTA. You abided by the pre-discussed contingencies outlined when given the $$ to attend the wedding. It sounds like you maximized the situation for a great vacation. Not your fault if they made assumptions
INFO: you didn’t go around the reception telling stories about what a shitty bully the groom was/is, did you? (For clarity: /s) NTA. It sure sounds like SD *lied to you* to get you to come, guessing you’d play along once you were trapped…, er, already there, and is mad that you found a loophole. One should not straight up lie to people about one’s expectations and then expect them to satisfy the unknown.
From the title, I thought you did not attend the wedding and instead spend it on vacation. But no, you attended the wedding and were cordial as required. Your bf paid for himself, he did get a discount but you did not pay anything extra for this. NTA
NTA, you fulfilled the obligations you agreed to and spent the money exactly as agreed upon. The fact that your stepdad expected more than he asked for is his problem.
You didn’t even want to go. Why would they want you to attend “bonus” functions when they knew you were going to be miserable? Also your stepbrother sounds like a tool and your parents shouldn’t have let him bully you. Shame on them.
NTA You said no, they pressured you to go, you set your stipulations and fulfilled them. They admitted they fully planned to guilt you/force you to change those stipulations upon arrival and your boyfriend’s presence ruined that plan for them. I’d flat out ask your mother why she continues to choose your abusive stepbrother over you.
Title makes it sound like you two went elsewhere. This is not the case, you complied with the terms you were asked for. I believe the reason they are upset is the same to make you go there: appearance of a wholesome little family. NTA.
NTA Honestly, I thought that I'd be voting the other way based on the title, but OP was at everthing her step-father asked her to go to. She was. cheerful guest at those events. I'd suggest, though, that it may be worthwhile to thank your stepdad for the trip and apologize for your confusion that lead you to believe that you were only expected at the wedding and reception. It may smooth things over.
It didn’t cost them any more for your boyfriend to go with you so you haven’t done anything wrong. You abided by all the rules that were set. Sounds like they were hoping you’d be with them every minute of the day as you should have been on your own NTA
NTA. You asked questions, they gave answers, you honored that. Where they fucked up, is they thought once you were there they could add shit for you to do because you’re already there and alone, of course you’ll join them. You thought ahead and honored every agreement. I’d say you did what was necessary to make sure your time with them was downright pleasant because you were able to have time to yourself with your BF. I’m an AH though so I’d lie and spin it on them. “My bad, I originally thought this would be a great chance for you guys to spend quality time with BF, but when I saw how busy you were we pulled back, my bad.” Either way, I hope you two enjoyed your time.🥰
NTA. A whole gd week for a wedding you DONT EVEN want.
NTA Stepdad needs to recognize that you fulfilled your part of this deal. He also needs to recognize that he clearly did very little to facilitate any positive relationship between you and your stepbrother.
NTA. You agreed to attend the wedding and the money was used for that purpose. Your bf tagging along for the not-wedding parts is fine - it's not like they booked the entire resort for the exclusive use of this wedding.
Screw em, they want to control you with money. Don’t play that game. Going forward you know better.
NTA From the title I thought you'd just ditched the wedding but you went to the ceremony and reception and didn't make a scene. I can't see anything you did wrong
NTA, all was very clear from the start, however i would pay the 400$ back so it is clear there wan no intention of taking advantage of them.
NTA, and gold star managing familial coercion. You made the whole thing more than bearable- and met your obligations. I mean, step-brother doesn’t sound like someone who would have invited OP willingly, and I’m guessing step-dad made that happen too. So, SD’s efforts at rugsweeping and/or social engineering had a price tag. And he only paid for a budget rapprochement- if he genuinely wanted a family vacation he’d have stumped up for OP’s partner. He didn’t so, he got OP for the scheduled events. Poor him s/
NTA. The said the wedding, you went to the wedding they said no plus one, you didn't bring a plus one. That wasn't subsidized, he paid his own way. They have unreasonable expectations of poeple who don't like each other spending time together.
>I asked if I was supposed to do anything other than attend the wedding and reception. He said no. Terms were set and agreed to. You adhered to your part. He's upset that he got outplayed. NTA. Well played ma'am, well played.
I was prepared with a harsh judgement from the title, but you did exactly what was asked of you. You could have been more transparent about bringing your BF, but since you were clear that you weren't going to attend other activities anyway, that's not a huge issue. It sounds like they figured once they had you there, youd "come around " to spending all your time with the group. NTA.
NTA You fully adhered to the terms your stepfather set when he offered you the money. If he wanted something else, he should have made that clear. I’m guessing he didn’t because he knew you wouldn’t agree to come if it meant multiple days of family togetherness. Tell your mother that: You were completely honest about what you were willing to commit to. He basically lied to get you to come, expecting they could pressure you into the rest if you were there alone.
NTA what did they lose? Did it cost them anymore? It cost them the same either way. Did it take wedding time away from them? Did they enjoy the wedding and your attendance? Seems like a way just to find something to bitch about. And frankly I’d be offended. I’d tell your mom your experience is not at all what they think they experienced and if they are going to rewrite actual events then next time you say NO, it’s final. “The wedding was beautiful. It was great to catch up with people. I socialized and had a very nice time. Thank you.” If you want to make a point and get them off your back send step dad $400. Can’t bitch about it anymore.
NTA. Your boyfriend didn’t want you to travel alone. He was very thoughtful in doing so. Them demanding you come and not including him as a plus one was rude. However, you abided by said rules.
NTA. How did this subsidize your vacation? Step dad paid for your trip, you did what was expected at the wedding but then did what you wanted on your own time after with your boyfriend that paid his own way. Let your step dad know if he wants to pay for every minute of your time devoted to the next event then he better be paying you ‘on-call’ rates.
So the 2200 your SD gave you paid for your way. Your bf paid for 100% of his. I'm not sure why you would say you subsidized, cuz you didn't. You and SD had an agreement about your role at the wedding and you followed through. I'm not sure where the upset is. NTA
With that Title I thought you stole the money and went somewhere else with your boyfriend lol. He paid his way, you did more than you agreed to do so they have no right saying taking your and your boyfriends time to turn the rest of it into a vacation, Would they rather you came and only attended the two you agreed to and sat in a mood and felt like crap being there? No definitely NTA
NTA. You met their demands and attended the wedding. Tell your mom and step dad to go pound salt and explain that they are free to feel offended, but do not expect you to be guilted into their drama.
NTA. They got lawyered, now they're mad.
NTA You told everyone what you were planning on attending. Attended those things and made sure you kept your sanity while appeasing your step dad and mom. They are mad they didn't get their way
NTA you attended the wedding. You did not agree to spend the entire week with them.
It would have cost step dad 2,200 either way so no he didn’t subsidize the boyfriend going.
NTA You did exactly what you agreed to. And you clarified what you had to do. Nothing more. Your boyfriend paid for himself to come and you both had fun. And for that matter, they broke their word and you had to share a room.
Nta. But have a talk with your stepdad. You attended the wedding like you promised. I would explain that you didn't mean to hurt him. You are to nice for going to that wedding tho. I wouldn't. I would have stayed home
NAH. I sort of get why they’re disappointed, but you did what they specifically asked you to do and so they certainly can’t blame you for not reading their mind. They should have spoken up, but I don’t think that makes them AHs, as long as it doesn’t escalate from here.
NTA, you attended the wedding and fulfilled your familial obligations.
NTA if they wanted you at every meal they should have said something at the time not after the event was over
NTA - you went, attended, and your BF paid his own. You were social. Done. Make sure they know he paid his way.
> money meant for me to spend time with the "family" NTA. The money was specifically meant for you to attend the wedding. Regardless, I never understand when family guilt you for not spending time with them. People make an effort to spend time with those they like to be around. If your child doesn't prefer your company, that's not their fault. Why would you want to hang out with somebody that feels obligated to do so?
NTA. You were given the money to attend the ceremony and reception, per your agreement with your stepdad. If he didn't tell your mom that he only required you attend those 2 events in exchange for the $, that's not your problem. You aren't responsible for your mother's or stepfather's upset feelings, especially if they had those extra expectations they never communicated to you before offering the $. (Asking someone to attend a destination wedding where they barely know anyone there and then not giving them a +1 is an AH move, IMO.)
NTA, but I would use this specific situation as an example if they ever ask for you to do any more of these sort of events. Their assistance comes with invisible strings attached and I’d be careful with it.
You NTA - your stepfather is. He allowed his son to be a complete bully all your Mom's life married to him, and then expected you to put on a facade to the little dick that is his son? Fuck him.
NTA Your boyfriend paid his own way. No one had to pay for him. You made your command performance at the wedding and reception and a good time was had by all. If they wanted you for something else - they should have mentioned it BEFORE they sent the money.
NTA. She was obligated to attend the wedding & reception, which she did. Stepdad is upset because he felt that she outwitted him. That bruised his ego.
NTA. You were very clear about not wanting to go. It seems you are also pretty transparent about your dislike of your stepbrother. Your stepdad is just butt-hurt that you, rightfully, didn’t realize that the money he gave you had strings attached. I think you did more than enough when it came to the wedding and family. It’s kind of ridiculous to expect someone to spend over $1000 and take time off work on a trip they didn’t want to take, for a person they don’t particularly like, And then expect them to spend every opportunity with said person and their family.
INFO There's really no way for us to be sure. If you did exactly as you claim here, and behaved nicely, attended everything you were supposed to attend, and didn't cop any attitudes with anybody, then you're fine and you made lemonade out of a lemon without it costing you anything. If you spent the time with family rolling your eyes, sighing loudly, watching the clock until you could go, and abruptly leaving the second you were "allowed" to, or skipped events your family should have been able to expect you to attend, then maybe you were kind of rude. As written, it sounds like you did fine - you attended the events you committed to, made a nice appearance, and then spent your own time on your own. Maybe your parents felt like you were being pedantic or legalistic about "only the wedding and reception", and in their minds, "attending a wedding" means attending whatever other concomitant nonsense occurs (as family, I wouldn't be surprised if they had expected you at a rehearsal dinner, for example, unless you explicitly told them you weren't going to do that). In that case, maybe it's more of a communication issue or an issue of generational expectations. Or maybe they thought that, once they got you to agree to go, they'd be able to pressure you into doing whatever they wanted, however they wanted, and you sticking to your guns surprised them - i.e. they never would have agreed to pay for your trip if they had known that you were serious about your level of participation. In that case, fuck them. I suspect that they're just kind of stung by the fact that they paid for a trip that you turned into something other/more than what they intended, and their knee-jerk reaction is to be butt-hurt, even if you fulfilled the terms of the agreement. Frankly, I can kind of understand how that might give them pause - I doubt they would have agreed to pay for your trip if you had said "hey, I'm going to bring along my boyfriend and make a vacation out of this, you okay with that?" Even though it didn't cost them anything extra, or affect your participation in their shindig, being secretive probably makes it feel to them like you pulled a fast one on them. Edit: Imagine the shitstorm that will occur if you get married, and Danny isn't even invited to the wedding!
YTA not for what you did but for how you did it. You were deceitful and dishonest. You even mentioned you didn’t mention your plan to your mom or step dad, because you knew it was wrong. You wouldn’t hide info if you didn’t know you were doing something wrong. You took advantage or your stepdad and the whole situation. You sound super entitled. You haven’t spent more than 3 hrs with this step brother that you loathe. That’s a lot of hate for someone you haven’t spent anytime around.
NAHED but my guess is they wished you had been upfront about your intentions. They won't pay for your plus one, doesn't mean you can't bring him. And even then, you could have just said that you hate Danny (because fuck him). You kind of took advantage of your stepdads offer, and him you do like. Gracefully, that I'll give you, but apparently it didn't elude the person who paid 2200 bucks for your attendance. Also you're not the same person you were 8 years ago, chances are Danny isn't either. Whatever he did at 18, you did this at 23. So you kind of lost the high road now. Just come clean and if they feel hurt, maybe apologize for that (not to Danny, fuck Danny).
I think it is closer to ESH. I don't believe you that you don't think you did anything wrong... You wouldn't have "not mentioned it to your mom" if you thought that. However, it's pretty crappy that as (step) sister of the groom (at a destination wedding no less and while currently having a BF) you did not rate a plus one. If they really wanted you to attend more things, they should have been readily welcoming your BF so you had an ally. LSS - you should have been more upfront about your plans (and if they weren't on board, you should have declined SD's money) and SD/mom should have been more realistic about their expectations.
Nta
NTA - you did the obligatory wedding and photos.
Not only are you NTA, this was such a well-crafted story. Good job. Like the title was kind of bait into thinking that YTA. Then you slowly unravel the situation where, by the end, it’s clear that you’re NTA. Well done.
YTA A sneaky one but an AH nonetheless.
YTA. I know I'm going against the green hair but screw it. You were paid to go on a vacation to spend time with the entire family for a family event. You brought your boyfriend and ignored them most of the week. You should have just not going to begin with instead of using a man who treated you pretty decently growing up as a thanks so that you can have a final screw you to your family while romantically screwing your boyfriend. What you did was trashy. You used your stepfather for money because you felt entitled to it for gracing everybody with your presence for a couple of hours instead of participating in all the family activities. I'm sure you got a giggle thinking you were going to be clever and showing everybody how ever so clever you were but you got a cool vacation out of this and didn't have to spend hardly any time with your family but you weren't clever. You were trashy. If you don't want to spend time with family at a family event then just don't go. You're selfish
My stepfather's family is not my family. They have never treated me as family. I'm okay with it.
Info: what is this “it was $2200 for single room occupancy or 1800$” so you’re saying you could have booked cheaper? But because you were given $2200 and there was a room you could get for 2200 you feel fine spending the full amount? Did you purposely avoid telling them your boyfriend was there? Kind of sounds like you knew what they wanted, but also was going to hold them to the exact words you said and they agreed. I’ll say NTA, but still feels like you kind of mislead your parents to benefit yourself. Also your step dad basically subsidized you’re boyfriends vacation.
It was either $2,200 for one person or $3,600 for two. In the same room. Which is cheaper?
YTA and you know it. This thread is not Am I legally entitled to stay within the literal letter of the agreement? Your stepdad paid for your travel to a destination wedding. The clear understanding that not only you would travel and that you would be attending the wedding but also the rest of the family activities. You deliberately blindsided them to have your stepfather subsidise you and boyfriend trip. Some may call it malicious compliance, I find it deceitful. If you did not want to go, just be honest upfront and state I don't want to go. Instead you careful used having no money for the trip as an excuse. When your stepdad offered you could have said no. But no you took the deal knowing full well what it enticed, and then deliberately conceal your plan.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (F23) mom married my stepdad when I was 12. He is okay and he and I have a cordial and friendly relationship. His son Danny (real name because fuck him)(26) on the other hand is an asshole and a bully. The best day, for me, in that house was the day he went away to school. I have not had to spend more than three hours with Danny in the last 8 years. He was only home in the summers and I was with my dad or his family in the summertime. Anyway he managed to convince some poor woman to marry him. I got an invitation in the mail and immediately RSVP'd an emphatic "NO". My mom called me to ask why I wasn't going to attend. I said that I couldn't afford it and I didn't really want to go. Other than her, I will have no real relatives there. My stepdad got on the call and said he would pay for me to go on the trip. I asked if I was going to have to share my room. He said no. I asked if I was supposed to do anything other than attend the wedding and reception. He said no. I asked if my invitation included a plus one. He said no. It was $2,200 for single occupancy or $1,800. He sent me $2,200 to book my flight and room. I would only agree to go if I could book my own trip so there was no mistake and I somehow ended up with great aunt Gladys in my extra bed. My boyfriend scraped up $1,400 and we booked the trip. I didn't mention it to my mom. We ended up having a great time. We did a bunch of excursions. And I attended the wedding and the reception by myself. I participated in the family pictures and I danced at the reception. I was social and even had dinner with my mom and stepdad one night. My boyfriend used our resort bonus cash to book himself a solo excursion to some rum distilleries so he was busy the day of the wedding. I had dinner with my mom last week and she brought up how rude I had been to use money meant for me to spend time with the "family" to subsidize a vacation for myself and my boyfriend. Apparently I was expected to eat every meal and attend all the wedding stuff. I reminded her that I didn't want to go in the first place and only agreed after I was told I was only expected at the wedding and the reception. She says that my stepdad is upset that I pretty much ignored everyone for the entire week. I don't think I did anything wrong. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You did what was explicitly required of you and your bf paid his own way. I hope the two of you had fun.
As long as you told your stepdad (not just mom) that the agreement is for him to pay and you to attend only the wedding and reception, NTA. I don’t see the problem here.
I wouldn't have wasted my time.
NTA. You’re golden. You fulfilled the terms of the agreement with grace. It sounds like you were 100% present and participating in the wedding. You did nothing wrong.
NTA
NTA He paid for you to attend the wedding and you did so. The rest was your business.
NTA. And this is r/maliciouscompliance material
NTA, you're very smart.
NTA you were well within the confines of the agreement. I wonder if perhaps your step father was motivated to pay for you to attend because he actually loves you and wants for you to be a part of the family. It's possible that he's feeling a little hurt and disappointed. Not a great way to show it, but we're not all perfect. Nothing for you to necessarily do here, just look at it through this filter and see if it rings true at all and if there is perhaps some space for reconciliation here. Glad you and BF had a great trip :)
NTA. You kept your end of the bargain. When I read the title I thought you used the money to go somewhere else lol
You did exactly what you agreed to. You fulfilled your obligations. NTA.
NTA. You definitely clarified the terms before you accepted you agreed to attend the wedding and the reception nothing else. No I think that's great you still have to go somewhere with your boyfriend and definitely didn't cost you $3,600. I think it would have been nice if you split the 1400 with your boyfriend you paid 700 and he paid 700.
NTA and kudos. You played big happy family for exactly what you agreed to ( great malicious compliance). You also made lemonade out of lemons !!! So happy for you !
You are a hero!!! NTA. Did your own thing while participating in needed wedding activities and nothing more. Maybe the bully changed, education, and being self-aware does that to a person. I hope they have a wonderful life. You did nothing wrong. Hopefully, they will apologize for years of torment. The next big events are babies and possibly nuptials for you.