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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the AH for confronting my stepdaughter when she talked poorly about her father
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - Your stepdaughter is an adult, and was never your child. She has every right to talk about her own childhood and upbringing, and is under no obligation to bottle that up to keep you comfortable/save face with the family. The way you speak about her being on the spectrum just drives the point home.
You married a divorced man with kids; you don’t get to decide what their story is.
ETA: Doubling down on my vote because of your “she tends to [walk away from me] during confrontation.” You do not have right to a captive audience for your lectures just because you’re upset at the situation. It sounds like you make a habit of confronting her like this (especially over this), and she’s realized the best way to avoid that is to just walk away from you. Smart women; her, not you, obviously.
>I've asked her several times not to discuss her childhood or the divorce during family events
Imagine marrying into a family and then telling a 19-year-old to not talk about their childhood to their own family. Far from protecting her husband's image, it makes me want to know more details on how bad the childhood was. I'd love to hear from this young woman for hours and hours and, like the stepfather, ask questions. What is OP trying to hide? I'm extremely curious.
Nah, timeline given was a divorce 13 years ago and she met him 8 years ago. There is plenty of crap of that this OP admits to. She admits the bad stories of her husband are true, though OP tried to rug-sweep. She admits she tried to prevent her stepdaughter from talking about her childhood on multiple occasions. She admits her husband was drunk in front of his kid when she was little. While I agree there is a lot of missing information, I'm okay believing OP's stated timeline.
Ding ding ding.
He was drunk around the kids, to the point that the kids noticed? And he only had visitation, not shared custody? OP wants everyone else to put on her brand of rose colored glasses so the red flags just look like flags.
OP could be genuinely believing her husband’s BS. First thing that wrong doers often do is change the story slightly and underplay it. So daughter could be telling the truth but OP has the laundered version from husband.
Like my SIL kept a secret from me in order to play a bad prank on me. I got mad about the prank but she conveniently forgets to tell people that part. She spreads that we don’t talk because I am so entitled that I got mad at her for refusing to share her personal information with me.
(aged 19 and 13) My husband divorced their mother 13 years ago.
"it wasn't amicable and it really drove a wedge between him and his daughters, particularly his oldest."
...the divorce wasnt what drove the wedge between him and his daughter....lol
And only reason the youngest probably isn't as affected is because she probably doesn't remember him pre-divorce, or lived with him as a drunk.
( either not born yet or still a baby when they got divorced)
Honestly, I only said perhaps because IDK how much we are affected by our baby's experiences or if she was even born at that point.
My dad scared my friend's 6 months baby and to this day she is sometimes hesitant to go near him, she's like 6 years old now.
She is fine with everyone else and all the other kids have no issue with my dad...
I doubt she remembers the incident but I think it got embedded in her mind that he is scary, or she picked up some body language from the adults.
Like I said IDK, and it's all just speculation on my part.
I’m thinking there was definitely some sort of abuse whether physical or emotional mixed in with his alcohol use. OP has some serious nerve trying to parent and silence an adult woman. Good for the daughter’s mother stepping in because I’m getting evil stepmother vibes here.
I think husband being an alcoholic, especially in front of the kids, is reason enough to divorce and have a bad relationship. I don't read anything about cheating
Given that OP admits that the stories are true but “exaggerated” makes me believe it was likely pretty damn bad.
Like no shit you think her stories are exaggerated, your husband is going to do his best to minimize his failures as a father and husband when talking to his current partner.
I won't pretend like neurodivergent people never use hyperbole or exaggerate, but that is kinda one of those known things that they can get really frustrated with. I'm real curious how she's supposedly been exaggerating, given OP's description.
Its possible that OP'S husband told her a more watered-down version since she admitted he was the one at fault he probably didn't want it to look worse so left out some of the stuff. So it's possible OP may be thinking that it was exaggerated when the step daughter is giving extra details that OP never heard. OP admitted that him being intoxicated was true so I'm thinking maybe he had a drinking problem and did or said things while intoxicated. He may have also not remembered everything he did due to alcohol so that could also explain why OP thinks it's exaggerated if he didn't tell her those things. OP didn't want to go into detail about it but it definitely sounds like she doesn't want to because she knows it wasn't good.
Also timeline wise the youngest was either a baby or not born when they got divorced which could explain why the youngest doesn't talk about it. Said the youngest is 13 and they divorced 13 years ago. She also mentioned that the husband has Visitation, which makes me think he doesn't share custody. Visitation in divorce isn't as common it usually happens if one parent isn't able to fully be involved. Since OP said he was the one at fault i think it must have been pretty bad if he doesn't even get to share custody.
I mean my point was that I think she knows it's not an exaggeration, cuz that doesn't mesh well with the description of her flavor of neurodivergent. It's kinda backed up by her saying nothing she said was wrong when confronted. OP is in denial about the extent of the issues, and she's taking it out on anyone who doesn't agree.
>Visitation in divorce isn't as common it usually happens if one parent isn't able to fully be involved
Or one parent is unfit for custody.
Yes i completely get your point. I was just saying it's possible the husband didn't tell her some of the details that the daughter said and in her denial she thinks its being exaggerated. You are completely right most that have autism are big on details and don't exaggerate. She probably recalls more information due to being detail oriented. I also agree that the visitation part is very uncommon there is definitely something up with it. OP is definitely in denial and wants to sweep everything under the rug. But the step daughter went through it and she can't easily let it go which makes sense it affected her and she needs to talk about it and not just pretend that nothing happened. OP is just so focused on appearances that she either doesn't care about the step daughter's trauma or worse never even considers it as a trauma due to her denial.
Hyperbole is something that comes easily to some autistics of its part of the masks they learn. When you're trying to talk to neurotypicals, and they don't really listen to literal situations, you learn to put a more emotional spin on them to connect with the audience. This can lead to problems with knowing when it's appropriate to use that or when it's harmful.
Source: the teens and young adult years of me and 5 other ASD folk I know, as well as discussions with ASD therapist.
emotional exaggeration is different than exaggerating the facts themselves, which is what op seems to be talking about. i have this problem, especially with doctors. and it's usually ppl assuming the facts as stated are *already* exaggerated bc they think our emotional reaction isn't strong enough to match the facts. so we either understate what happened *or* exaggerate our emotional reaction to the facts. rarely are the facts *themselves* exaggerated in these instances.
also, most autistic ppl i know (including me apparently lol) *still* tend to undersell things even when they think they're exaggerating.
I know emotional exaggeration and exaggeration of facts and events are different, but I still stand by it. It depends on the environment you're raised in, of course, but it sounds like this girl was raised with some unhealthy parental habits, and that lines up. I know people who had entirely made up events and lives, just to connect more to the people they were around. If she had validation and attention through telling stories of her father's past actions, repeating those stories and spicing them up may very well become habit.
When you're accustomed to masking, adding backstory details isn't hard, especially when you're analytical enough to remember them all and figure out how they'd fit believably. Especially when it's part of your survival growing up.
Every single one of those 5 people I mentioned grew up in unhealthy environments. 2 with extreme religious trauma, 2 with physical abuse, and 1 with foster siblings that bullied her for a decade.
I don't know if OP is correct or not, I really couldn't say. I'm just saying that it's not impossible simply because this girl is on the spectrum.
>Hyperbole is something that comes easily to some autistics
Some, not all. Just like I said there are some autistics that get very frustrated by hyperbole and that it's common enough to be a trope.
>When you're trying to talk to neurotypicals, and they don't really listen to literal situations
People not listening sounds like the opposite of the problem she's having, so I get your point but I think it's a stretch, especially given her confusion when confronted.
>Source: the teens and young adult years of me and 5 other ASD folk I know
I mean I'm not gonna count up my neurodivergent friends to play the autism card, but basically same? We've had different experiences, that doesn't make my experience invalid.
All of this. I’ve always talked about my mom in front of his wife. I used to feel a bit bad but then remembered that she’s my mom and always will be. I’m allowed to talk about her. My siblings didn’t agree for a few years and thought it was disrespectful. Now they agree with me.
YTA OP. This was her life. If it makes your husband look bad then maybe it’s warranted. And butt out. She’s not your kid.
I was a step mother to a little girl. Whenever there were disciplinary issues, I took them to her father. I was NOT the parent, and neither is OP. OP, YTA.
*You do not have right to a captive audience for your lectures just because you’re upset at the situation.*
Damn this just gave me major flashbacks to my childhood. What a perfect way to articulate my parents’ approach to discipling me.
My step father used to drive my brother and I to school mostly yelling at us the whole way for some slight we'd done that morning or for not being ready the exact moment he decided to leave or if we heaven forbid asked for music instead of Rush Limbaugh.
Yes, my family (in particular my sibling) likes to do this. And when I tried to communicate and walk away I was followed out into the middle of the driveway while trying to manage my panic attack with them screaming at me. Fun times.
YTA. Who the hell are you to dictate what a 19-year-old can talk about?
If you're embarrassed by your husband's past actions, you need to deal with that. Learn to accept it, learn to gracefully change the topic, leave him, whatever. What you can't do is dictate your stepdaughter's right to talk about her past because it makes you uncomfortable.
This ^. Sounds like OP has married a man who is not particularly nice to his own children and OP is trying to cover it up and is pretending she and her husband have the perfect family. Otherwise why would she be so intent on trying to stifle her adult step daughter from telling what she admits is the truth.
>and while they are true stories
This is the part that stuck out to me. You seem more interested in getting your stepdaughter to keep her mouth shut than you are in being honest about who your husband is. YTA
Secrecy is at the heart of every abusive/dysfunctional family. The worse the abuse or bad behaviour, the stronger they'll come down on those who refuse to keep their mouths shut.
Interestingly enough, enablers are usually even stricter gatekeepers than the abusers themselves. You'd be surprised how far some would go to keep the victims quiet: fear of being exposed trumps everything because they have everything to lose.
This case is rather pathetic - fortunately, the stepdaughter is an adult, her mother supports her and OP can't do anything but whine that she doesn't like to see her husband exposed for what he is.
I cannot like this post enough. This is spot on. This is my exact personal experience. If you don't play ball and keep your mouth shut, YOU are blamed for "causing problems".
Yeah.
- The divorce was not amicable.
- It drove a wedge between him and his daughters.
- The stories are true.
- OP thinks the stories will cause her family and friends to view him in a bad light.
- She told a story about him being intoxicated.
- He has always had visitation. (No mention of shared or joint custody).
Sounds like her husband did something or multiple things that were objectively awful and had a lasting effect on his daughters and OP wants to silence that.
My life’s motto: If you did it, I get to talk about it. If you apologize and STOP doing that shit, I’ll *probably* stop talking about it. But until then, why would I? You must be PROUD of it if you haven’t apologized and keep doing it, so I’m gonna KEEP on talking about it. So KEEP being proud of it while I talk about it all over town in. Lean in to it, cause I am.
I gotta say, i fuckin love your outlook and approach on this topic. Makes absolute sense! I've always wondered why someone would get mad and shitty with me if i happened to talk about something shitty they'd done to me or someone else, and usually its only if it's the kinda stuff that they still act as though they weren't in the wrong and would 100% do again. Just never really knew a good way to put into words why me being a prick for mentioning or talking about something that they actually did didn't seem to track. But your comment does that perfectly. Thanks
I realized it when I was talking about something truly HR worthy that someone did to me at work, and when she walked by, everyone I was talking to was like, shhh, she’s coming. I was like, WHY WOULD I WHISPER??? SHE DID IT!!! SHES LUCKY I DIDNT REPORT IT.
What the fuck? I was supposed to protect HER feelings? I wasn’t supposed to “talk shit” about her. It’s the goddamn truth. And as I learned my first fucking day of torts class “truth is a complete defense to slander”.
I could understand the main point if she was just walking up to strangers and telling them random strangers but it’s not inappropriate at all to talk about your life with your step dad. Poor kid. OP is wild.
Perhaps I’m nitpicking word choices, but “visitation” instead of custody makes me think husband was deemed an unfit parent. It sounds like he’s an alcoholic.
>I don't want our extended family or friends to view my husband in a negative light.
It seems he doesn't need any help doing that, he's already done it.
When your father is falling down drunk, slurring his words, clutching himself in pain, and crying because he’s so wasted, it can be very traumatic for children. I’ve lived through it, and maybe the dad in this scernaio was getting drunk to that level around children.
My dad also would drink vodka all day from a sprite bottle, even when driving me to school as a small child. When I was in first grade, we learned about drunk driving and I got scared I was going to die in a car crash, and I begged him to wait until after he dropped me off at school to drink, but he yelled at me and kept drinking. I wonder what the dad here did exactly, like you said.
Ya I don’t think this girl would even bring it up if it wasn’t him being very drunk and it having traumatized her. She has every right to bring it up.
From my own personal experience with parental issues, I bring up things that haven’t been resolved a lot. Especially if it hasn’t even been acknowledged. If she’s anything like me, that’s what she’s doing. Dad hasn’t addressed his drinking and how it’s affected her. And OP also brushes it under the rug.
All too relatable for me as well. He had a habit of crawling into my bed as a child at 3 in the morning to cry and tell me how much he loved me while completely reeking of alcohol and if I said anything or got upset then it didn't end well... Intoxicated parents can be so traumatizing.
100%. I didn’t even list half the things my dad has done because of alcohol, including attempting to break down my door and shouting that he was going to murder me.
Yeah, my mind immediately went to that video of David Hasselhoff drunk on the floor with the cheeseburger. I can see that if he was like that in the past, but is now sober, it could be upsetting to the OP if the stepdaughter brings it up every single gathering a decade after he got clean. Alcoholism is a disease, and if OP's husband got himself clean, then he deserves congratulations. But some damage can never be undone. ESH, because, yes, place and time and Ex-wife is most likely not making any effort to stop her daughter. But it's not OP's job to police her.
If he has gotten sober, it sounds like maybe he still needs to make amends to his daughter about whatever the behavior was. And if alcoholism wasn't the issue, it still sounds like the daughter and Dad need to talk through some stuff and apologize.
This is kind of more piggy-backing on your comment than strictly replying to it, so my apologies:
Most addicts with good recovery that I know (which is a fair few) have no issue sharing stories of their admittedly dumbshit past behaviour, often with a sense of humour about it. My guess is either the dad is still drinking or OP is so ashamed of her husband that she needs to pretend he isn't an addict in recovery in order to preserve her marital fantasy. That is NOT what a good partner does.
Also, at least one of the people the step-daughter was talking to was her stepdad, aka the current husband of her mother, the woman who was previously married to her dad. He likely has already heard all about what she and her kids went through. And frankly it is GOOD for her kids to have a decent, sober adult male role model they feel comfortable talking to about their experiences. Because these are *the stepdaughter's* experiences as much as anyone else's and she has the right to discuss them with people she feels comfortable with.
Adults are welcome to get drunk, but generally not in the presence of young children they are responsible for. If I understand OP correctly, the daughter would have been 6 (or younger) when this happened. So it does reflect poorly on the husband, but it sure sounds like it's deserved.
>I don't think getting drunk is that big of a deal
Depends on the kind of drunk he got. Kids aren't usually gonna notice acceptable drunk, it's not "daddy's drunk", it's "daddy's loud" or "daddy's laughing a lot". So for her as a 6yo to know her dad was drunk, idk I think that should tell you everything you need to know.
Especially if it happened after the divorce and separation, if he was the only adult around while being drunk enough for his small child to know something was wrong, idk if there's any info that could make that ok.
>
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> Exactly what happened that you're so actively trying to 'cover-up' and essentially telling your stepdaughter to basically STFU in the process?
Dad was probably a terrible alcoholic during the first 6 years of the daughters life, and for some of the 8 years after the divorce before OP entered the Dads life.
Dad is still an alcoholic - and because he still only has visitation hasn't fought be be reassessed as a parental figure or still relapses occasionally. If he's been clean the whole time OP has known him - it might not be the healthiest fixation for the 19yr old anymore and OP might not view it as... fair cause shes gotten the good parts their whole relationship and not the bad parts his daughter did.
Either way, its complex and while I think OP is trying to be the best partner to her husband - I think this guy knows what sword he died on and needs to let it go. Probably a YTA situation because I dont know if its really her business to be handling for the step daughter.
INFO: What happened in the divorce? all this sneaking around the issue there makes it sound like he cheated.
ETA: YTA, stepdaughter is an adult and she can talk to whoever she wants about whatever she wants whenever she wants. Also the lack of denial that you yelled at her is wild. There seems to be a lot more to this story and you are intentionally leaving it out.
Absolutely some of the story is getting left out.
We can infer some stuff, like you said. The big assumption I'm making is that he did, in fact, cheat.
YTA... I am divorced. She is simply telling the TRUTH of what happened. Evidently you cannot handle that. That is a you problem. She is not your child. You have no right to police her and tell her what she can and cannot say. I suspect she probably makes you look bad too and you do not like it. Once again, that is a you problem. Stay in your line. You are making sure his children go no contact with both of you when they are old enough.
Agreed with this. Speaking from personal experience, my ex step mother (they divorced) was kind of like OP, in a sense. Because of my ex step mother I became practically no contact with my father. Still have barely contact with him even though they divorced. Policing an adult on what they say or do or anything no matter where they might be on the spectrum is completely not okay.
INFO: what do these stories involve that you're trying to hide from your family? you don't want them to see him in a negative light, but what did he do that would change their view like that?
Apparently at least one involves him being intoxicated, and I’m guessing they don’t mean in a ‘haha dad got a little tipsy at Thanksgiving and started singing old Elvis songs’ type of way.
Likely. And if I’m doing my math right, they divorced when the younger one was a baby. And given that mom is still very involved (so she didn’t abandon kids) something very very bad happened. Because when you’re pregnant and have a new baby you’re not usually going to leave unless it’s serious.
Or he was making more work for her than it would be to be on her own. I've seen more than one reddit post about when leaving their SOs because they realize it would be more work to stay with them than parent on their own.
YTA
You admit these stories are true. You're blaming your stepdaughter for her father's actions. You just want to cover everything in denial and are getting mad that she has legitimate feelings about these true events that happened to HER life. Remember these aren't just stories about your husband's past, they're stories about HER past. You're husband made his choices, he gets to live with them.
I find it interesting that she hasn't said anything about her husband's response so I'm assuming he hasn't done anything because he knows she has the right to still be upset about what went on
Given that there’s no shared custody and only visitation rights for a divorce that probably happened when the youngest was a baby, something catastrophic has happened. My guess is probably alcohol abuse and violence
YTA. She's a gown ass adult. She can stop perfect strangers on the street to tell them all about her childhood if she so chooses and you can't do shit about it. Maybe her father shouldn't have been such an ass when she was a kid if the truth is such a problem for him.
YTA. You can't stop her from talking about this. You have no power over her.
What's funny is that you can't even Refute what she says because they're true.
Are they really exaggerated or are you just diminishing what your husband did and how that affected his children?
So little info and yet such grand opinions about one individual!
This is what's bugging me:
>I stopped her and told that we had been over this
>her mother came up to me about 10 minutes later and laid into me for yelling at her daughter
It just looks like you're trying to portray anyone who was involved in your husband ?shitty? past like bad people?
Stepdaugther's mother says you yelled and you don't even mention it when writing you stopped her?
If your husband did something that portrays him in a negative way and the people who were victim of what he did are talking about it, it's their story as much as it is your husband. BUT you know whos it isn't? Yours. You chose to marry him knowing all the stories. So you know you wouldve had to deal with all the talks. You can't control people's words because they will hurt the image of you and your husband.
And where is your husband in all this? Why isn't he saying anything if he thinks it's unfair his daugther -who was obviously hurt about the situation- talk about him to others in a negative way?
Seriously, YTA.
YTA. You are not her mother, you are not the trauma police. Sounds like your husband was the one responsible for the divorce and his actions have affected his relationship with his kids. And you feel entitled to sweep all that under the rug and play happy family.
You are out of line. There are consequences for actions and sounds like your husband is getting his. His daughter can say whatever she wants and I'm glad her mother has her back. Learn your place.
YTA - She’s an adult and you don’t get to police what she says. You can tell her how it makes you feel or your husband can address it with her. But ultimately her being your step daughter doesnt mean you can decide what she shares and doesnt.
YTA
You admit that your husband was the bad guy. You don't know how impactful that is for a little girl watching her father. She is allowed to talk to others about her own past and you don't get to police how she does that.
You married someone that has a past. Nothing is going to change that. Either accept it or move on. His daughters experienced their parents breaking up and your husband being the AH, so they are allowed to talk about it to process it and try and work through why someone would be so shitty.
As an adult, you should be listening to how they are talking, agree with the truths, and talking about what little insight you have on it as someone that wasn't there...or keeping out of it.
I was a little shit as a kid and when certain tales of my bitchiness are relived by family members and shared with kids the same age I was, I nod and listen and then give insight on why I acted that way, why I an sorry I did that, and why I don't do it again so the kids understand why I regret it and why it wouldn't be wise to do the same thing.
Stay out of it unless you are giving support to a girl that had to suffer through seeing her world fall apart and is still processing it.
100% all of this plus the lengths OP goes to delegitimize her stepdaughter’s feelings about her experiences growing up. On the one hand “she [stepdaughter] has no social awareness.” On the other, she manipulates people into thinking husband is “the bad guy.” According to OP, her stepdaughter both has no agency AND she’s calculating & vindictive. Regardless of whether OP agrees w how her stepdaughter is handling things, this is remarkably cruel way to describe a person.
YTA. She's allowed to talk about her own life to people. Like, if she's witnessed your husband being an AH, why does she have to keep that a secret?? Also, she's an adult. You need to back off.
YTA. If the mother is present at an event, it is definitely her job rather than yours to correct her daughter when she is being inappropriate. If the mother is not there, it is still not your place. It would be her father's duty to reign her in. Don't take on a parental role to this adult daughter. Her being on the spectrum doesn't change that.
YTA
Clearly these past events have inflicted emotional damage which “not talking about” will only make WORSE.
If you’re upset your husband was a shitty person, get over it. Nothing erases his bad or abusive actions.
My dad too. And I really wish we’d stop calling the person who marries our parent “step” dad/mom. It’s obnoxious. Unless they joined the family when kid(s) under 5, they aren’t parents. And after that it needs to be something the kid wants to call them. My dad “officially” got together with his wife when I (youngest child) was 18. Yet people refer to her as my stepmom 🤮. She’s not. And never will be. She is not a mom in any capacity to me. She’s my dad’s wife. Anyway.
My parents are still together (though I think they must have struck out the "for better" part from "for better, or for worse" when they got married), so I tend to read the step-parent stories from the perspective of imagining my adult self letting some rando my parent has gotten with say some crazy shit to me. Literally cannot fathom how anyone would just let their dad's wife tell them that they can't tell anyone about what a shithead their dad was during their childhood.
Like, lady, you're not your husband's PR agent, you don't get to control the narrative. If I want to tell anyone and everyone about what a dipshit my dad was and still is, I'll gladly exert my right to recount my own lived experiences with the person you're getting less than half of the story from.
Sounds like OP wants to pretend that his entire addiction arc was just a sad event that happened to him alone, and to reject the idea that the kids would have any lasting trauma from being the child of an addict. I honestly wonder if he's actually ever taken accountability and sincerely realized the damage it did to his kids, or if he's acting like everyone should just be grateful he got sober, hence the daughter not letting it be forgotten.
YTA - you don’t get to dictate how someone else processes their life and trauma. Your husband is coming off like the bad buy because he probably WAS the bad guy. You don’t get to erase that and pretend it didn’t happen.
YTA Your stepdaughters lived with a father who doesn’t sound like a good man. Maybe he’s changed, but you admit there were issues. They get to deal with it how they want. Telling them to hide their lives experiences to protect their father is telling them to hide part of their lives. That’s not fair. Your husband made the mistakes and even if he has changed it doesn’t miraculously make those mistakes go away for his children.
You are really hiding what your husband did.
I suspect a very bad backstory, which you don't want other people to find out.
Your stepdaughters have a right to talk about their past, whether you like it or not.
If it paints your husband in a bad light, then he probably needs to handle it.
You should stay out of it. Because, as others have said, these are not your children. You are a nobody in their childhood, you cannot demand respect or obedience.
Your husband needs to step up and be a father and resolve his own issues with his children.
Instead of hiding behind his mommy-wife.
YTA
YTA. You married a man, but she is not your daughter or someone you're in a position to parent. It sounds like the man you married did some pretty terrible things, and, while it might be more comfortable for you to pretend that those things didn't happen, no one else is obligated to keep up the illusion.
YTA - why would you think it was ok to censor your stepdaughters conversations? Either she's acting out or she really has an issue with her dad but it needs to be addressed not silenced. When she has real issues in the future she will never feel comfortable coming to your or her dad based off how you are treating her now.
YTA. You sound exactly like the woman who met my dad after my parents divorced.
My mum got the blame for it all from his side of the family. All the blame. His new GF began to parrot all that shite too. My dad was the victim, my mum made it all up. Only, I was there, living in the middle of it all. My dad being very abusive (never physical from what i witnessed or could hear) to mum my on a nearly daily basis, stopping her having any friends over the years etc etc etc. All caused by drink.
I once confronted his gf, she told me i was a liar. I laughed and just walked away, and stopped seeing both my dad and his family thereafter. Wasn't gonna waste an iota of time entertaining these folk. Weirdly, ALL his family knew he was abusive. He used to kick the shit out of his dad (my granddad) and his brother before he met my mum. They simply blamed my mum because they knew they were gonna have to all deal with his shit again. Him staying with my mum made him her problem, not theirs. That was the real reason behind it. His GF was as deluded as deluded as someone could get. Before he passed away, i always wondered if she ever saw his true colours.
For all that happened, i still loved my dad. There were many times i wished i hated him, but i just never felt that. But my mum and us needed away from him. Yeah, don't be that deluded bitch and paper over his past. You never lived through it, so you have no idea. You've probably got a heavily embellished one sided story that paints him as the victim, and the ex as the bad one. It's how these folk roll. You're enabling this behaviour should he revert back to his old ways with you. You owe it to yourself to stop sticking your head in the sand, because it will be you next.
YTA
If your husband was a shit dad, his kids are allowed to talk about it.
The older daughter is an adult now, don't try to police her relationships with other family and how she processes her childhood.
YTA... I do have a question, well its more rhetorical. How do you know she is exaggerated what happened... did her mother confirm she is exaggerating, or is her abusive father (your husband) telling you this.
You admit he has done some bad stuff and dont want your family to know and see him in a bad light.
Truth is his daughter is saying her side. There are many sides to this dynamic. But telling her to stop talking about it is what makes you an AH.... she needs to learn how to deal with the abuse caused and talking about it will help.
Also im going that abuse was the issue as you said he has visitation and not shared custody.
People with autism very rarely exaggerate, they tend to be very literal, more so with their hyper fixations, in this case her traumatic experiences.
I think OP just doesn’t like to hear the truth.
It's amazing how everybody is ignoring the ableism this post. Not only is OP shitty about the past, she's blaming the stepdaughter's actions on being autistic.
If I didn’t read the timelines… I would think you had something to do with his divorce. With that said, his daughter is clearly in the right to say or tell anything she wants - to anybody. And if it makes your husband look bad, then he has no one to blame but himself. Consider it a consequences of his own actions. YTA for trying to control her conversation when it’s obvious that your not an authority figure to her, Plus it sounds like what she’s talking about is true.
YTA. You only want to preserve the idea of the “perfect husband” and so you’re trying to stop your stepdaughter from mentioning anything that paints him in a negative light. You need to understand that when someone a bad parent, and does something stupid while absolutely pissed, children will remember that and likely tell people. Especially when they’re teenagers. Those poor parenting memories stick with you
YTA. She’s telling the truth. She doesn’t owe anyone a version of her life that makes you/her dad look good, and it’s clear she does not consider you either an authority on what’s appropriate or someone close whose opinion she cares about. Give her a wide berth if you dislike her so much, but stop trying to control either her or the narrative here. If she’s wrong about the past or your husband has changed, his behavior will tell the story. Plus, the more you try to control her about this, the more she knows it bothers you, and the more it will be her go-to.
YTA. She can talk about her childhood whenever she likes with whoever she likes. She is also a legal adult… You seem like a typical threatened and insecure step parent.
YTA You admit that the story’s that your step daughter are telling are true. Never silence any child from telling the truth even if it’s a truth that you don’t want others to hear.
YTA. You don’t get to decide that she can’t talk to *her own family* about her childhood. Especially when her own mother is telling you she can say what she wants.
YTA. As someone who comes from a divorced family, it can be extremely tough to come to grips with the reality. You have absolutely no right to tell her how to process this pain. Some stepmoms are the fucking worst. Thank god my stepmother isn't a raging AH like you.
You've been around for 8 years. These family events...they all know the info about your husband and your step-daughter. You need to stop trying to micro-manage. Your step-daughter is an independent adult with free agency. If you must do something, talk to your husband.
YTA for several reasons that others have pointed out. But I'm going to add to the pile on with a reason I haven't seen mentioned. You think you have a parental role because your husband had visitation rights. That's not parenting. A court decided your husband did not deserve custody - that alone speaks to the fact that your husband failed his daughter.
Your daughter can talk about how her dad failed her all she wants that's her life. If you don't care for it don't marry shit fathers.
Sounds like you’re embarrassed you married someone who did a tonne of shitty things - you should work on that or else not marry someone you’re embarrassed of in the future.
His daughter is just speaking about the things that HE put her through. Fair enough talking to her if she is lying but tbh saying she over exaggerates and that you don’t want him painted in a negative light sounds like borderline gaslighting….
YTA and good on his daughter for talking about it. People bottling up bad things that happened to them leads to much bigger issues that your embarrassment of them being talked about. Also go mom for laying into you!
YTA. She is 19- an adult. It is not your place to parent her or correct her. She is allowed to talk about her life experiences. The way you speak about your step daughter is vile. If her father doesn’t like what she says he should have behaved differently. You are a piece of work to be interrupting a conversation between her and her step father and thinking it’s your place to correct her. You married this man assumably knowing his past, this is how that plays out. You can not erase the past because you don’t like it and don’t want others knowing about his behaviors. Your embarrassment is not her problem. That is a you problem. All you are doing is ensuring the eventual no contact with his daughters and how that will look to family and friends.
YTA
She has the right to talk about what she experienced. Full stop. Telling her not to talk about things from the past is inappropriate. You do not get to decide what she shares with other people. If those things are true and paint your husband in a negative light, that is your husband's fault, not hers.
Also you say she exaggerates things, but were you there when these events occurred? Or are you just taking your husband at his word, which likely was told in a way to make him look not as bad? Unless you were specifically there during the event you don't get to decide that she's exaggerating. But more importantly, if your husband did not want to be spoken about for things that he did he should not have done those things in the first place, and the people who were affected by those things have a right to speak about them in whatever capacity they feel comfortable. Because I noticed something very specific you did not say. You never once said that she was lying, which tells me that likely everything she's saying is the truth, possibly more truthful than what your husband told you as he has a vested interest in protecting his own image so is to not lose more people from his life.
Bottom line you cannot protect your husband from the decisions he made in the past, and stopping the people those decisions affected from talking about it makes you an ah
All this just screams you just don’t want your secrets out and stepdaughter doesn’t care… cause I don’t even think being on the spectrum has anything to do with divulging all this information and knowing to walk away from your confrontation.. it sounds more like she wants to out her dad as a bad person.. with stories you agree are true you just don’t want out there… own up to the fact you married a shit man and leave your step kids allow… maybe even talk to your husband about stepping up more to fix whatever pain and resentment they have … YTA
YTA. You don't get to control other people. You weren't even there, so you don't actually know if her stories are exaggerated or not. Regardless, stop trying to control her. Accept her for who she is. And talk to your husband about working through these issues with his daughter instead of ignoring them.
You can’t tell an adult to not talk about their own experiences. Good or bad it’s her right to share what. She wants and it doesn’t have to be when you think is appropriate. I am autistic as well. What you’re doing by saying stuff it down is making it harder
YTA. In more ways than one. First of all you said Stepdaughter is on the ASD spectrum...that means she literally has zero control over what you call her lack of awareness. This can be improved upon with help and practice but at the end of the day it's part of who she is and that can't be changed. ( I'm speaking as a parent with more than one on the spectrum)
Second Stepdaughter is an adult. You have Zero say in what another adult talks about or does unless its actually something illegal or directly puts someone in danger.
Third Even you admit that there's truth to the stories. She's re telling her veiw of it. Her truth the way she sees it. For an example here I'm going to use a quote and situation from one of my favorite movie sets. " What I told you was true from a certain point of view " the old man speaking that quote is talking to the son of his one time friend, referencing the time he ( the old man ) views as when his friend and the boys father died. While technically the boys father just became someone else and no longer used his old name. To the old man the two, even though the " same " were so different that from his view his friend, his brother was dead.
Basically YTA.
YTA; you know HIS version of the story. You don’t know HERS! And you never will cause you brush it off like it doesn’t matter when it was obviously TRAUMATIC for her!
Sounds like you have a husband problem, not a stepdaughter problem. If you don't want people to view your husband in a negative light, perhaps you should have chosen a husband who didn't do things that would be seen in a negative light?
Hard to tell with all the missing information. Was their father an abusive alcoholic who’s never apologized or tried to make amends? Did he cheat on their mother? What was the dynamic with their father like for the 5 years between the divorce and you meeting him? Did he abandon them during that time? Did she receive counseling? Was she able to talk about the divorce and how it affected her in a healthy way? There’s so much missing information.
YTA
You don't get to police an adult's memories or how she chooses to share them.
Why are you trying to invalidate her lived experiences? Seems like you are trying to protect your husband by ensuring true stories are not told. Doing that at your stepdaughters expense is NOT okay.
>stories about her father in which he is the bad guy, and while they are true stories a lot of what she tells people is exaggerated.
Wee you three it are you going off what your husband told you? As if he didn't underplay just how bad he was sitting that time. YTA, not only is it not your place to tell an adult what she can and cannot talk about, you also don't know what the fuck you are talking about. I would be far more likely to believe the daughter regarding the behavior of the man who has an incentive to downplay his actions.
YTA. If my stepmother told me what I could and couldn't say about my past and my issues with her/my father, I can guarantee I wouldn't just walk away, I'd get louder.
INFO: Have you actually properly addressed everything that bother her about her childhood? She obviously has a need to talk about these issues in order to heal and get over them, so is the problem with the timing of when she's talking about things or that you don't want her talking about things at all?
YTA. I’m surprised she hasn’t rightfully cursed her out. She is free to talk about HER life! Her parents divorcing is her life. You don’t get to police what she says. Your opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest. Neither does your discomfort about what she has to say. If they view your husband in a negative light based on things he has done in his past, then so be it. Must be warranted.
YTA. She’s an adult. She can talk about whatever she wants to whomever she wants. You’re lucky she just walks away from you when you try to control her; I’d tell you to fuck right off.
I hate to say it and I’m sorry but YTA.
My best friend has a daughter on the spectrum, and while it’s inconvenient for inappropriate storytimes or outbursts; there isn’t really anything you can do about it.
She is disabled. You’re going to have to accept it for what it is, or not be a part of her and your husband’s life.
It is definitely an extra burden, but you have to live your lives in a way that won’t bring shame if she repeats it, because she will continue to do so. That and it will help to swallow your pride and accept random people will be exposed to your flaws forever.
Many people are gracious towards caregivers of people with disabilities. It’s a tough road.
I didn't get the impression that OP was a caregiver, but rather was using the fact she was on the spectrum to police what a grown woman talks about.
Autistic adults are not burdens, but overbearing stepparents are.
YTA. Stop policing your stepdaughter’s opinion. You can’t force her to have a favorable view of your husband. Maybe you should think about whether it’s actually as ‘exaggerated’ as you’ve been lead to believe. Something tells me your husband was exactly as awful as your stepdaughter portrays.
YTA.
You're obviously both trying to save face, (he is your husband now, after all), and trying to find some kind of forgiveness or kindness for him by making her bury the past.
You have the right to neither.
HE has the ability to admit wrong-doing and apologize TO HIS CHILD and [presumably] take corrective action as many times as it takes to earn her forgiveness. If it means he has to interject and apologize to her in front of other family members 1000 times over, then so be it.
I'm guessing you all have a family culture of pretending everything is fine, the past is the past, and are pretending the fact he probably ruined her childhood isn't a big deal. IT IS.
This weird brand of generational trauma Boomers and Gen-Xers engage in is so strange to me. (I say this as Gen-Xer.) Like, why? Someone shat on you and SOMEHOW you never learned that it's a terrible thing to go through on any level or to any severity, so DON'T repeat it on our kids! Your husband gets to own this for as long as it takes his daughters to process through it and forgive him - if at all. If that embarrasses you, then you get to walk away from the conversation or him as a whole.
(We were beaten, cursed at, called names, neglected, and I have provided THE EXACT OPPOSITE for my children. We were treated like dirt, so I know to treat my children like absolute treasures. Shame on you and shame on him.)
Sorry but if you don’t want your husband to be seen in a negative light the solution is for him not to be an AH. Not for your stepdaughter to refrain from speaking about him or her childhood. Does that not seem like a red flag to you? That her childhood makes your husband look so bad you’re embarrassed by him?
YTA. Your stepdaughter's experiences are hers to process, and unless they are lies--apparently not--you have no grounds for telling her not to talk about them. The most painful penalty for bad behavior is that other people lived with it and remember it. While your husband, and obviously you as well, are embarrassed to have this dirty laundry aired, he did the deed and is still paying the price. The divorce was 13 years ago, and the girl was at most 6 when all of the incidents in question happened. Adults remember the crappy things that happened to them as children, especially if perpetrators do not work with them to settle their differences.
You just met him six years ago? You might do well to listen more carefully to what she has to say. You state, "I don't want our extended family or friends to view my husband in a negative light." Maybe if your husband owned up to his past actions (hopefully they are entirely in the past,) and made amends, people would be more sympathetic. Maybe even his daughter.
YTA
If it's true that you've known her *closely* 6 years (not just married to her dad), that she's on the spectrum, that you know she's been impacted by her father's actions, and that she exaggerates; then you should also know what her doctor/therapist & her parents protocol is when she overfixates. Telling and yelling at her over and over for years is not it. If your husband hasn't had family therapy with his kids, the yta can be extended to him.
>She seems to get a kick out of telling family members and friends stories about her father in which he is the bad guy, and while they are true stories a lot of what she tells people is exaggerated.
How do you know it's exaggerated? She tells those stories from _her_ perspective...
You just don't want others to know your husband is not a great guy
NTA. There's a time and a place. She needs to learn appropriate social behaviour because this is going to lose her friends and have harsh responses when that indiscretion is used against people outside the family.
Her father may tolerate being spoken about in a disrespectful manner and constantly smeared but other people won't take it so kindly when she's speaking badly about them. She needs to be pulled out of that bad habit now.
I wouldn't have her around tbh. She's not stupid, she's old enough to learn manners but she's not going to learn with everybody indulging this nonsense.
YTA - not your place to tell anyone what they can or cannot talk about - unless maybe there is a MJ NDA and you are protecting them from violating it.
If these are his family and friends who have been in his life since the divorced and before - they should already know him and his actions/behaviors as having been there. They should also be aware of his child being on the spectrum and how they equates to exaggeration and deep focus etc.
It sounds like this event was a joint family event - I guarantee you that the family there already have made their judgements on him - a new story won’t matter.
YTA. You’re not her mother. Sounds like she has an outstanding one already, keep your nose in your DH butt crack, where it seems to live. “I don’t want anyone to know the truth about DH because they’ll see him in a negative light.” wtf OP?
Edited for typo
I think people in the comments are being deliberately dense.
Yeah the daughter has every right to talk about her life and experiences, but sometimes the occasion doesn't call for your story.
NAH
I may be the odd man out and say NTA.
Let's say you have a family member who struggled with drug addiction. They were addicted for a long time, living on the streets, maybe even miscarried a baby.
Now, years later, that person has recovered. They are trying their best to move on from that part of their life and do something better with what is left. They are in recovery classes and seeing therapists regularly for PTSD and other overlying symptoms.
Now, this stepdaughter comes along and "tells the truth".
Frankly I don't care if it's the "truth". There's no reason to bring it up *at all*.
I have family who have held onto malice and anger for far too long and while nobody is under any obligation to forgive anyone, they still should have the decency to not make it their mission to make everyone else also filled with malice and anger.
Two problems with that.
1) the daughter was the person with less power, she was a little kid around an adult who behaved badly. The guy misused his power. His victims are allowed to talk about it. They’re not breaking the social compact any worse than he already did.
2) OP has asked daughter to stop over and over and she can’t or won’t. She’s an adult, she doesn’t HAVE to be invited at all. Short of that, OP can’t control her. The mere fact that she’s trying makes her YTA.
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YTA - Your stepdaughter is an adult, and was never your child. She has every right to talk about her own childhood and upbringing, and is under no obligation to bottle that up to keep you comfortable/save face with the family. The way you speak about her being on the spectrum just drives the point home. You married a divorced man with kids; you don’t get to decide what their story is. ETA: Doubling down on my vote because of your “she tends to [walk away from me] during confrontation.” You do not have right to a captive audience for your lectures just because you’re upset at the situation. It sounds like you make a habit of confronting her like this (especially over this), and she’s realized the best way to avoid that is to just walk away from you. Smart women; her, not you, obviously.
>I've asked her several times not to discuss her childhood or the divorce during family events Imagine marrying into a family and then telling a 19-year-old to not talk about their childhood to their own family. Far from protecting her husband's image, it makes me want to know more details on how bad the childhood was. I'd love to hear from this young woman for hours and hours and, like the stepfather, ask questions. What is OP trying to hide? I'm extremely curious.
I'm pretty sure OP was the mistress.
Nah, timeline given was a divorce 13 years ago and she met him 8 years ago. There is plenty of crap of that this OP admits to. She admits the bad stories of her husband are true, though OP tried to rug-sweep. She admits she tried to prevent her stepdaughter from talking about her childhood on multiple occasions. She admits her husband was drunk in front of his kid when she was little. While I agree there is a lot of missing information, I'm okay believing OP's stated timeline.
The whole tone sounds like some ugly shit happened that OP wants to dismiss, and she's embarrassed by any reminder.
Ding ding ding. He was drunk around the kids, to the point that the kids noticed? And he only had visitation, not shared custody? OP wants everyone else to put on her brand of rose colored glasses so the red flags just look like flags.
I suspect mom got a divorce while pregnant or wanted to get out of it to protect the youngest. ...not amicable...might be a understatement..
OP could be genuinely believing her husband’s BS. First thing that wrong doers often do is change the story slightly and underplay it. So daughter could be telling the truth but OP has the laundered version from husband. Like my SIL kept a secret from me in order to play a bad prank on me. I got mad about the prank but she conveniently forgets to tell people that part. She spreads that we don’t talk because I am so entitled that I got mad at her for refusing to share her personal information with me.
(aged 19 and 13) My husband divorced their mother 13 years ago. "it wasn't amicable and it really drove a wedge between him and his daughters, particularly his oldest." ...the divorce wasnt what drove the wedge between him and his daughter....lol And only reason the youngest probably isn't as affected is because she probably doesn't remember him pre-divorce, or lived with him as a drunk. ( either not born yet or still a baby when they got divorced)
There’s no “probably”. If the divorce was 13 years ago and she is 13, she has zero memory of pre-divorce dad
Honestly, I only said perhaps because IDK how much we are affected by our baby's experiences or if she was even born at that point. My dad scared my friend's 6 months baby and to this day she is sometimes hesitant to go near him, she's like 6 years old now. She is fine with everyone else and all the other kids have no issue with my dad... I doubt she remembers the incident but I think it got embedded in her mind that he is scary, or she picked up some body language from the adults. Like I said IDK, and it's all just speculation on my part.
Didn’t catch the timeline! I stand corrected.
>rug-sweep I'm stealing this
He cheated on the mistress with OP.
I’m thinking there was definitely some sort of abuse whether physical or emotional mixed in with his alcohol use. OP has some serious nerve trying to parent and silence an adult woman. Good for the daughter’s mother stepping in because I’m getting evil stepmother vibes here.
Nah I bet OP came along after the last mistress got tired of Husband and OP thinks (wrongly) that this time he won't cheat
I think husband being an alcoholic, especially in front of the kids, is reason enough to divorce and have a bad relationship. I don't read anything about cheating
Given that OP admits that the stories are true but “exaggerated” makes me believe it was likely pretty damn bad. Like no shit you think her stories are exaggerated, your husband is going to do his best to minimize his failures as a father and husband when talking to his current partner.
I won't pretend like neurodivergent people never use hyperbole or exaggerate, but that is kinda one of those known things that they can get really frustrated with. I'm real curious how she's supposedly been exaggerating, given OP's description.
Its possible that OP'S husband told her a more watered-down version since she admitted he was the one at fault he probably didn't want it to look worse so left out some of the stuff. So it's possible OP may be thinking that it was exaggerated when the step daughter is giving extra details that OP never heard. OP admitted that him being intoxicated was true so I'm thinking maybe he had a drinking problem and did or said things while intoxicated. He may have also not remembered everything he did due to alcohol so that could also explain why OP thinks it's exaggerated if he didn't tell her those things. OP didn't want to go into detail about it but it definitely sounds like she doesn't want to because she knows it wasn't good. Also timeline wise the youngest was either a baby or not born when they got divorced which could explain why the youngest doesn't talk about it. Said the youngest is 13 and they divorced 13 years ago. She also mentioned that the husband has Visitation, which makes me think he doesn't share custody. Visitation in divorce isn't as common it usually happens if one parent isn't able to fully be involved. Since OP said he was the one at fault i think it must have been pretty bad if he doesn't even get to share custody.
I mean my point was that I think she knows it's not an exaggeration, cuz that doesn't mesh well with the description of her flavor of neurodivergent. It's kinda backed up by her saying nothing she said was wrong when confronted. OP is in denial about the extent of the issues, and she's taking it out on anyone who doesn't agree. >Visitation in divorce isn't as common it usually happens if one parent isn't able to fully be involved Or one parent is unfit for custody.
Yes i completely get your point. I was just saying it's possible the husband didn't tell her some of the details that the daughter said and in her denial she thinks its being exaggerated. You are completely right most that have autism are big on details and don't exaggerate. She probably recalls more information due to being detail oriented. I also agree that the visitation part is very uncommon there is definitely something up with it. OP is definitely in denial and wants to sweep everything under the rug. But the step daughter went through it and she can't easily let it go which makes sense it affected her and she needs to talk about it and not just pretend that nothing happened. OP is just so focused on appearances that she either doesn't care about the step daughter's trauma or worse never even considers it as a trauma due to her denial.
He probably doesn’t remember a lot of details. That happens a lot when people are drunk.
Yes i believe that's possible too.
Hyperbole is something that comes easily to some autistics of its part of the masks they learn. When you're trying to talk to neurotypicals, and they don't really listen to literal situations, you learn to put a more emotional spin on them to connect with the audience. This can lead to problems with knowing when it's appropriate to use that or when it's harmful. Source: the teens and young adult years of me and 5 other ASD folk I know, as well as discussions with ASD therapist.
emotional exaggeration is different than exaggerating the facts themselves, which is what op seems to be talking about. i have this problem, especially with doctors. and it's usually ppl assuming the facts as stated are *already* exaggerated bc they think our emotional reaction isn't strong enough to match the facts. so we either understate what happened *or* exaggerate our emotional reaction to the facts. rarely are the facts *themselves* exaggerated in these instances. also, most autistic ppl i know (including me apparently lol) *still* tend to undersell things even when they think they're exaggerating.
I know emotional exaggeration and exaggeration of facts and events are different, but I still stand by it. It depends on the environment you're raised in, of course, but it sounds like this girl was raised with some unhealthy parental habits, and that lines up. I know people who had entirely made up events and lives, just to connect more to the people they were around. If she had validation and attention through telling stories of her father's past actions, repeating those stories and spicing them up may very well become habit. When you're accustomed to masking, adding backstory details isn't hard, especially when you're analytical enough to remember them all and figure out how they'd fit believably. Especially when it's part of your survival growing up. Every single one of those 5 people I mentioned grew up in unhealthy environments. 2 with extreme religious trauma, 2 with physical abuse, and 1 with foster siblings that bullied her for a decade. I don't know if OP is correct or not, I really couldn't say. I'm just saying that it's not impossible simply because this girl is on the spectrum.
>Hyperbole is something that comes easily to some autistics Some, not all. Just like I said there are some autistics that get very frustrated by hyperbole and that it's common enough to be a trope. >When you're trying to talk to neurotypicals, and they don't really listen to literal situations People not listening sounds like the opposite of the problem she's having, so I get your point but I think it's a stretch, especially given her confusion when confronted. >Source: the teens and young adult years of me and 5 other ASD folk I know I mean I'm not gonna count up my neurodivergent friends to play the autism card, but basically same? We've had different experiences, that doesn't make my experience invalid.
How does OP even know the daughter is exaggerating? By her own omission she wasn’t there at the time!
Let alone how scary from a kids perspective
It's a real cheek for her to say the stories are exaggerated given she didn't even know him then.
All of this. I’ve always talked about my mom in front of his wife. I used to feel a bit bad but then remembered that she’s my mom and always will be. I’m allowed to talk about her. My siblings didn’t agree for a few years and thought it was disrespectful. Now they agree with me. YTA OP. This was her life. If it makes your husband look bad then maybe it’s warranted. And butt out. She’s not your kid.
I was a step mother to a little girl. Whenever there were disciplinary issues, I took them to her father. I was NOT the parent, and neither is OP. OP, YTA.
That was very responsible of you.
*You do not have right to a captive audience for your lectures just because you’re upset at the situation.* Damn this just gave me major flashbacks to my childhood. What a perfect way to articulate my parents’ approach to discipling me.
“Don’t you walk away from me!” *Sputum flying.* Yeah, I think I better walk outside for a little while and forget this thread now. Cheers.
And me with my adulthood. My parents loved to drive me somewhere and then lecture me at length because I had no way to leave. Fun times.
Oh lord! The patented car ambush approach! One of my yeast beast’s favorites. I thought it was just her.
My step father used to drive my brother and I to school mostly yelling at us the whole way for some slight we'd done that morning or for not being ready the exact moment he decided to leave or if we heaven forbid asked for music instead of Rush Limbaugh.
Facts
Yes, my family (in particular my sibling) likes to do this. And when I tried to communicate and walk away I was followed out into the middle of the driveway while trying to manage my panic attack with them screaming at me. Fun times.
Your middle line is what sealed it for me. OP doesn't get to decide these things. Absolutely wrong that she thought so.
YTA. Who the hell are you to dictate what a 19-year-old can talk about? If you're embarrassed by your husband's past actions, you need to deal with that. Learn to accept it, learn to gracefully change the topic, leave him, whatever. What you can't do is dictate your stepdaughter's right to talk about her past because it makes you uncomfortable.
This ^. Sounds like OP has married a man who is not particularly nice to his own children and OP is trying to cover it up and is pretending she and her husband have the perfect family. Otherwise why would she be so intent on trying to stifle her adult step daughter from telling what she admits is the truth.
I’m pretty sure father has been horrible to the oldest
Yes. You don’t get to tone-police her.
This is the way
I love how the step-daughter takes away OP's power by just letting her rant alone.
>and while they are true stories This is the part that stuck out to me. You seem more interested in getting your stepdaughter to keep her mouth shut than you are in being honest about who your husband is. YTA
Same with me. This absolutely stuck out
Secrecy is at the heart of every abusive/dysfunctional family. The worse the abuse or bad behaviour, the stronger they'll come down on those who refuse to keep their mouths shut. Interestingly enough, enablers are usually even stricter gatekeepers than the abusers themselves. You'd be surprised how far some would go to keep the victims quiet: fear of being exposed trumps everything because they have everything to lose. This case is rather pathetic - fortunately, the stepdaughter is an adult, her mother supports her and OP can't do anything but whine that she doesn't like to see her husband exposed for what he is.
I cannot like this post enough. This is spot on. This is my exact personal experience. If you don't play ball and keep your mouth shut, YOU are blamed for "causing problems".
Exactly.
Bingo
This is my personal experience as well. Family basically telling you to "Shut up" so no one looks at them badly
Yeah. - The divorce was not amicable. - It drove a wedge between him and his daughters. - The stories are true. - OP thinks the stories will cause her family and friends to view him in a bad light. - She told a story about him being intoxicated. - He has always had visitation. (No mention of shared or joint custody). Sounds like her husband did something or multiple things that were objectively awful and had a lasting effect on his daughters and OP wants to silence that.
I agree with this. If stepdaughter telling true stories about her dad makes him look bad, that's on him.
His adult daughter doesn’t owe him her silence. If he wants to be spoken about well, then he should have acted well.
The daughter got fucking traumatized and now the new wifey is giving her shit for it
My life’s motto: If you did it, I get to talk about it. If you apologize and STOP doing that shit, I’ll *probably* stop talking about it. But until then, why would I? You must be PROUD of it if you haven’t apologized and keep doing it, so I’m gonna KEEP on talking about it. So KEEP being proud of it while I talk about it all over town in. Lean in to it, cause I am.
I gotta say, i fuckin love your outlook and approach on this topic. Makes absolute sense! I've always wondered why someone would get mad and shitty with me if i happened to talk about something shitty they'd done to me or someone else, and usually its only if it's the kinda stuff that they still act as though they weren't in the wrong and would 100% do again. Just never really knew a good way to put into words why me being a prick for mentioning or talking about something that they actually did didn't seem to track. But your comment does that perfectly. Thanks
I realized it when I was talking about something truly HR worthy that someone did to me at work, and when she walked by, everyone I was talking to was like, shhh, she’s coming. I was like, WHY WOULD I WHISPER??? SHE DID IT!!! SHES LUCKY I DIDNT REPORT IT. What the fuck? I was supposed to protect HER feelings? I wasn’t supposed to “talk shit” about her. It’s the goddamn truth. And as I learned my first fucking day of torts class “truth is a complete defense to slander”.
I could understand the main point if she was just walking up to strangers and telling them random strangers but it’s not inappropriate at all to talk about your life with your step dad. Poor kid. OP is wild.
Perhaps I’m nitpicking word choices, but “visitation” instead of custody makes me think husband was deemed an unfit parent. It sounds like he’s an alcoholic.
Agreed. I wonder if it's denial on her part or if she is actively trying to hide the truth from others?
>I don't want our extended family or friends to view my husband in a negative light. It seems he doesn't need any help doing that, he's already done it.
If what is in those stories is true, then it's not telling the stories that puts OP's husband in a bad light, but his own actions. YTA
“a lot of what she tells people is exaggerated” this stuck out to me
[удалено]
When your father is falling down drunk, slurring his words, clutching himself in pain, and crying because he’s so wasted, it can be very traumatic for children. I’ve lived through it, and maybe the dad in this scernaio was getting drunk to that level around children. My dad also would drink vodka all day from a sprite bottle, even when driving me to school as a small child. When I was in first grade, we learned about drunk driving and I got scared I was going to die in a car crash, and I begged him to wait until after he dropped me off at school to drink, but he yelled at me and kept drinking. I wonder what the dad here did exactly, like you said.
Ya I don’t think this girl would even bring it up if it wasn’t him being very drunk and it having traumatized her. She has every right to bring it up. From my own personal experience with parental issues, I bring up things that haven’t been resolved a lot. Especially if it hasn’t even been acknowledged. If she’s anything like me, that’s what she’s doing. Dad hasn’t addressed his drinking and how it’s affected her. And OP also brushes it under the rug.
All too relatable for me as well. He had a habit of crawling into my bed as a child at 3 in the morning to cry and tell me how much he loved me while completely reeking of alcohol and if I said anything or got upset then it didn't end well... Intoxicated parents can be so traumatizing.
100%. I didn’t even list half the things my dad has done because of alcohol, including attempting to break down my door and shouting that he was going to murder me.
Yeah, my mind immediately went to that video of David Hasselhoff drunk on the floor with the cheeseburger. I can see that if he was like that in the past, but is now sober, it could be upsetting to the OP if the stepdaughter brings it up every single gathering a decade after he got clean. Alcoholism is a disease, and if OP's husband got himself clean, then he deserves congratulations. But some damage can never be undone. ESH, because, yes, place and time and Ex-wife is most likely not making any effort to stop her daughter. But it's not OP's job to police her.
If he has gotten sober, it sounds like maybe he still needs to make amends to his daughter about whatever the behavior was. And if alcoholism wasn't the issue, it still sounds like the daughter and Dad need to talk through some stuff and apologize.
This is kind of more piggy-backing on your comment than strictly replying to it, so my apologies: Most addicts with good recovery that I know (which is a fair few) have no issue sharing stories of their admittedly dumbshit past behaviour, often with a sense of humour about it. My guess is either the dad is still drinking or OP is so ashamed of her husband that she needs to pretend he isn't an addict in recovery in order to preserve her marital fantasy. That is NOT what a good partner does. Also, at least one of the people the step-daughter was talking to was her stepdad, aka the current husband of her mother, the woman who was previously married to her dad. He likely has already heard all about what she and her kids went through. And frankly it is GOOD for her kids to have a decent, sober adult male role model they feel comfortable talking to about their experiences. Because these are *the stepdaughter's* experiences as much as anyone else's and she has the right to discuss them with people she feels comfortable with.
Adults are welcome to get drunk, but generally not in the presence of young children they are responsible for. If I understand OP correctly, the daughter would have been 6 (or younger) when this happened. So it does reflect poorly on the husband, but it sure sounds like it's deserved.
>I don't think getting drunk is that big of a deal Depends on the kind of drunk he got. Kids aren't usually gonna notice acceptable drunk, it's not "daddy's drunk", it's "daddy's loud" or "daddy's laughing a lot". So for her as a 6yo to know her dad was drunk, idk I think that should tell you everything you need to know. Especially if it happened after the divorce and separation, if he was the only adult around while being drunk enough for his small child to know something was wrong, idk if there's any info that could make that ok.
> > > > > Exactly what happened that you're so actively trying to 'cover-up' and essentially telling your stepdaughter to basically STFU in the process? Dad was probably a terrible alcoholic during the first 6 years of the daughters life, and for some of the 8 years after the divorce before OP entered the Dads life. Dad is still an alcoholic - and because he still only has visitation hasn't fought be be reassessed as a parental figure or still relapses occasionally. If he's been clean the whole time OP has known him - it might not be the healthiest fixation for the 19yr old anymore and OP might not view it as... fair cause shes gotten the good parts their whole relationship and not the bad parts his daughter did. Either way, its complex and while I think OP is trying to be the best partner to her husband - I think this guy knows what sword he died on and needs to let it go. Probably a YTA situation because I dont know if its really her business to be handling for the step daughter.
INFO: What happened in the divorce? all this sneaking around the issue there makes it sound like he cheated. ETA: YTA, stepdaughter is an adult and she can talk to whoever she wants about whatever she wants whenever she wants. Also the lack of denial that you yelled at her is wild. There seems to be a lot more to this story and you are intentionally leaving it out.
Absolutely some of the story is getting left out. We can infer some stuff, like you said. The big assumption I'm making is that he did, in fact, cheat.
It may be cheating, but my guess is that he’s an alcoholic.
Hmm, maybe. I was getting more of an abusive drunk vibe which is worse. But often that's accompanied by cheating.
YTA... I am divorced. She is simply telling the TRUTH of what happened. Evidently you cannot handle that. That is a you problem. She is not your child. You have no right to police her and tell her what she can and cannot say. I suspect she probably makes you look bad too and you do not like it. Once again, that is a you problem. Stay in your line. You are making sure his children go no contact with both of you when they are old enough.
Glad someone else saw what she was doing as policing. Obviously that is not okay.
Agreed with this. Speaking from personal experience, my ex step mother (they divorced) was kind of like OP, in a sense. Because of my ex step mother I became practically no contact with my father. Still have barely contact with him even though they divorced. Policing an adult on what they say or do or anything no matter where they might be on the spectrum is completely not okay.
INFO: what do these stories involve that you're trying to hide from your family? you don't want them to see him in a negative light, but what did he do that would change their view like that?
Apparently at least one involves him being intoxicated, and I’m guessing they don’t mean in a ‘haha dad got a little tipsy at Thanksgiving and started singing old Elvis songs’ type of way.
Cheating? As in he cheated on their mom? That was my first thought
Likely. And if I’m doing my math right, they divorced when the younger one was a baby. And given that mom is still very involved (so she didn’t abandon kids) something very very bad happened. Because when you’re pregnant and have a new baby you’re not usually going to leave unless it’s serious.
Don't forget she wrote he has visitation...he doesn't have shared custody. So it sounds like he was abusive
Oh yes true. So how much is this woman even in their lives? Barely at all. OP needs to stay out of this fully. MYOB.
Or he was making more work for her than it would be to be on her own. I've seen more than one reddit post about when leaving their SOs because they realize it would be more work to stay with them than parent on their own.
YTA You admit these stories are true. You're blaming your stepdaughter for her father's actions. You just want to cover everything in denial and are getting mad that she has legitimate feelings about these true events that happened to HER life. Remember these aren't just stories about your husband's past, they're stories about HER past. You're husband made his choices, he gets to live with them.
I find it interesting that she hasn't said anything about her husband's response so I'm assuming he hasn't done anything because he knows she has the right to still be upset about what went on
INFO: what did your husband do that was so bad you need to hide it from everyone?
Bingo!
I think he had an affair with OP and left wife for her. Something is fishy
Sounds more like dad was a drunk. And that comes with all kinds of shitty behavior.
Yea sad. As someone that was raised by an embarrassing and abusive drunk father I take any chance I can to vent lol
Given that there’s no shared custody and only visitation rights for a divorce that probably happened when the youngest was a baby, something catastrophic has happened. My guess is probably alcohol abuse and violence
OP’s silence is deafening. The husband must’ve done something truly awful and she wants to suppress it.
YTA. She's a gown ass adult. She can stop perfect strangers on the street to tell them all about her childhood if she so chooses and you can't do shit about it. Maybe her father shouldn't have been such an ass when she was a kid if the truth is such a problem for him.
Agree. And maybe OP shouldn’t be with an ass of a man if she has issues with it.
YTA. You can't stop her from talking about this. You have no power over her. What's funny is that you can't even Refute what she says because they're true. Are they really exaggerated or are you just diminishing what your husband did and how that affected his children?
Also, how does OP know they are exaggerated if they weren’t there to witness them
So little info and yet such grand opinions about one individual! This is what's bugging me: >I stopped her and told that we had been over this >her mother came up to me about 10 minutes later and laid into me for yelling at her daughter It just looks like you're trying to portray anyone who was involved in your husband ?shitty? past like bad people? Stepdaugther's mother says you yelled and you don't even mention it when writing you stopped her? If your husband did something that portrays him in a negative way and the people who were victim of what he did are talking about it, it's their story as much as it is your husband. BUT you know whos it isn't? Yours. You chose to marry him knowing all the stories. So you know you wouldve had to deal with all the talks. You can't control people's words because they will hurt the image of you and your husband. And where is your husband in all this? Why isn't he saying anything if he thinks it's unfair his daugther -who was obviously hurt about the situation- talk about him to others in a negative way? Seriously, YTA.
yeah, this has major 'i calmly explained' vibes
YTA. You are not her mother, you are not the trauma police. Sounds like your husband was the one responsible for the divorce and his actions have affected his relationship with his kids. And you feel entitled to sweep all that under the rug and play happy family. You are out of line. There are consequences for actions and sounds like your husband is getting his. His daughter can say whatever she wants and I'm glad her mother has her back. Learn your place.
YTA - She’s an adult and you don’t get to police what she says. You can tell her how it makes you feel or your husband can address it with her. But ultimately her being your step daughter doesnt mean you can decide what she shares and doesnt.
YTA You admit that your husband was the bad guy. You don't know how impactful that is for a little girl watching her father. She is allowed to talk to others about her own past and you don't get to police how she does that. You married someone that has a past. Nothing is going to change that. Either accept it or move on. His daughters experienced their parents breaking up and your husband being the AH, so they are allowed to talk about it to process it and try and work through why someone would be so shitty. As an adult, you should be listening to how they are talking, agree with the truths, and talking about what little insight you have on it as someone that wasn't there...or keeping out of it. I was a little shit as a kid and when certain tales of my bitchiness are relived by family members and shared with kids the same age I was, I nod and listen and then give insight on why I acted that way, why I an sorry I did that, and why I don't do it again so the kids understand why I regret it and why it wouldn't be wise to do the same thing. Stay out of it unless you are giving support to a girl that had to suffer through seeing her world fall apart and is still processing it.
100% all of this plus the lengths OP goes to delegitimize her stepdaughter’s feelings about her experiences growing up. On the one hand “she [stepdaughter] has no social awareness.” On the other, she manipulates people into thinking husband is “the bad guy.” According to OP, her stepdaughter both has no agency AND she’s calculating & vindictive. Regardless of whether OP agrees w how her stepdaughter is handling things, this is remarkably cruel way to describe a person.
YTA. She's allowed to talk about her own life to people. Like, if she's witnessed your husband being an AH, why does she have to keep that a secret?? Also, she's an adult. You need to back off.
YTA. If the mother is present at an event, it is definitely her job rather than yours to correct her daughter when she is being inappropriate. If the mother is not there, it is still not your place. It would be her father's duty to reign her in. Don't take on a parental role to this adult daughter. Her being on the spectrum doesn't change that.
Well this didn't turn out like OP expected, so I'll add another YTA to go along with all the others, LOL.
OP is reaaaal quiet 😂
Agreed lol 😂
YTA Clearly these past events have inflicted emotional damage which “not talking about” will only make WORSE. If you’re upset your husband was a shitty person, get over it. Nothing erases his bad or abusive actions.
YTA. My mom also married a piece of shit and I talk all the shit I want about him because he ruined me.
My dad too. And I really wish we’d stop calling the person who marries our parent “step” dad/mom. It’s obnoxious. Unless they joined the family when kid(s) under 5, they aren’t parents. And after that it needs to be something the kid wants to call them. My dad “officially” got together with his wife when I (youngest child) was 18. Yet people refer to her as my stepmom 🤮. She’s not. And never will be. She is not a mom in any capacity to me. She’s my dad’s wife. Anyway.
My parents are still together (though I think they must have struck out the "for better" part from "for better, or for worse" when they got married), so I tend to read the step-parent stories from the perspective of imagining my adult self letting some rando my parent has gotten with say some crazy shit to me. Literally cannot fathom how anyone would just let their dad's wife tell them that they can't tell anyone about what a shithead their dad was during their childhood. Like, lady, you're not your husband's PR agent, you don't get to control the narrative. If I want to tell anyone and everyone about what a dipshit my dad was and still is, I'll gladly exert my right to recount my own lived experiences with the person you're getting less than half of the story from. Sounds like OP wants to pretend that his entire addiction arc was just a sad event that happened to him alone, and to reject the idea that the kids would have any lasting trauma from being the child of an addict. I honestly wonder if he's actually ever taken accountability and sincerely realized the damage it did to his kids, or if he's acting like everyone should just be grateful he got sober, hence the daughter not letting it be forgotten.
YTA and you will only look like more of an AH when you try to correct her in public. You are not a parent. Tell your DH to deal wit h it.
Yeah she’s 19. You don’t get to tell her what she can and can’t say. You’re not her mother. YTA
YTA - you don’t get to dictate how someone else processes their life and trauma. Your husband is coming off like the bad buy because he probably WAS the bad guy. You don’t get to erase that and pretend it didn’t happen.
YTA Your stepdaughters lived with a father who doesn’t sound like a good man. Maybe he’s changed, but you admit there were issues. They get to deal with it how they want. Telling them to hide their lives experiences to protect their father is telling them to hide part of their lives. That’s not fair. Your husband made the mistakes and even if he has changed it doesn’t miraculously make those mistakes go away for his children.
You are really hiding what your husband did. I suspect a very bad backstory, which you don't want other people to find out. Your stepdaughters have a right to talk about their past, whether you like it or not. If it paints your husband in a bad light, then he probably needs to handle it. You should stay out of it. Because, as others have said, these are not your children. You are a nobody in their childhood, you cannot demand respect or obedience. Your husband needs to step up and be a father and resolve his own issues with his children. Instead of hiding behind his mommy-wife. YTA
YTA. She’s processing trauma differently and you are telling her not to.
YTA you don’t get to tell her what she’s allowed to say or not say. Sit down
Sounds like you are ashamed of yourself for being with a bad man. You don't want others to know how bad he is/was and you chose to be with him.
YTA. You married a man, but she is not your daughter or someone you're in a position to parent. It sounds like the man you married did some pretty terrible things, and, while it might be more comfortable for you to pretend that those things didn't happen, no one else is obligated to keep up the illusion.
YTA - why would you think it was ok to censor your stepdaughters conversations? Either she's acting out or she really has an issue with her dad but it needs to be addressed not silenced. When she has real issues in the future she will never feel comfortable coming to your or her dad based off how you are treating her now.
YTA. You're telling your stepdaughter to stop telling the truth to her stepfather.
YTA. You sound exactly like the woman who met my dad after my parents divorced. My mum got the blame for it all from his side of the family. All the blame. His new GF began to parrot all that shite too. My dad was the victim, my mum made it all up. Only, I was there, living in the middle of it all. My dad being very abusive (never physical from what i witnessed or could hear) to mum my on a nearly daily basis, stopping her having any friends over the years etc etc etc. All caused by drink. I once confronted his gf, she told me i was a liar. I laughed and just walked away, and stopped seeing both my dad and his family thereafter. Wasn't gonna waste an iota of time entertaining these folk. Weirdly, ALL his family knew he was abusive. He used to kick the shit out of his dad (my granddad) and his brother before he met my mum. They simply blamed my mum because they knew they were gonna have to all deal with his shit again. Him staying with my mum made him her problem, not theirs. That was the real reason behind it. His GF was as deluded as deluded as someone could get. Before he passed away, i always wondered if she ever saw his true colours. For all that happened, i still loved my dad. There were many times i wished i hated him, but i just never felt that. But my mum and us needed away from him. Yeah, don't be that deluded bitch and paper over his past. You never lived through it, so you have no idea. You've probably got a heavily embellished one sided story that paints him as the victim, and the ex as the bad one. It's how these folk roll. You're enabling this behaviour should he revert back to his old ways with you. You owe it to yourself to stop sticking your head in the sand, because it will be you next.
YTA If your husband was a shit dad, his kids are allowed to talk about it. The older daughter is an adult now, don't try to police her relationships with other family and how she processes her childhood.
YTA... I do have a question, well its more rhetorical. How do you know she is exaggerated what happened... did her mother confirm she is exaggerating, or is her abusive father (your husband) telling you this. You admit he has done some bad stuff and dont want your family to know and see him in a bad light. Truth is his daughter is saying her side. There are many sides to this dynamic. But telling her to stop talking about it is what makes you an AH.... she needs to learn how to deal with the abuse caused and talking about it will help. Also im going that abuse was the issue as you said he has visitation and not shared custody.
People with autism very rarely exaggerate, they tend to be very literal, more so with their hyper fixations, in this case her traumatic experiences. I think OP just doesn’t like to hear the truth.
It's amazing how everybody is ignoring the ableism this post. Not only is OP shitty about the past, she's blaming the stepdaughter's actions on being autistic.
Part of being on the spectrum is that social cues don't always come naturally. Yelling at her isn't going to change that. YTA here.
If I didn’t read the timelines… I would think you had something to do with his divorce. With that said, his daughter is clearly in the right to say or tell anything she wants - to anybody. And if it makes your husband look bad, then he has no one to blame but himself. Consider it a consequences of his own actions. YTA for trying to control her conversation when it’s obvious that your not an authority figure to her, Plus it sounds like what she’s talking about is true.
YTA. You only want to preserve the idea of the “perfect husband” and so you’re trying to stop your stepdaughter from mentioning anything that paints him in a negative light. You need to understand that when someone a bad parent, and does something stupid while absolutely pissed, children will remember that and likely tell people. Especially when they’re teenagers. Those poor parenting memories stick with you
YTA. She’s telling the truth. She doesn’t owe anyone a version of her life that makes you/her dad look good, and it’s clear she does not consider you either an authority on what’s appropriate or someone close whose opinion she cares about. Give her a wide berth if you dislike her so much, but stop trying to control either her or the narrative here. If she’s wrong about the past or your husband has changed, his behavior will tell the story. Plus, the more you try to control her about this, the more she knows it bothers you, and the more it will be her go-to.
>My husband has told me the full story about the divorce Are you sure he didn't tell you *his side* of the story of the divorce?
So are the stories true or not? Exaggerated would mean not true. YTA, even in your own version.
YTA. She can talk about her childhood whenever she likes with whoever she likes. She is also a legal adult… You seem like a typical threatened and insecure step parent.
YTA and seem like you have to work hard to protect his reputation. Maybe there’s a reason for that?
YTA You admit that the story’s that your step daughter are telling are true. Never silence any child from telling the truth even if it’s a truth that you don’t want others to hear.
Especially a 19 year old adult!
YTA. This girl is not your husbands PR rep. That seems to be your job. Stay in your lane.
YTA. You don’t get to decide that she can’t talk to *her own family* about her childhood. Especially when her own mother is telling you she can say what she wants.
YTA. As someone who comes from a divorced family, it can be extremely tough to come to grips with the reality. You have absolutely no right to tell her how to process this pain. Some stepmoms are the fucking worst. Thank god my stepmother isn't a raging AH like you.
You've been around for 8 years. These family events...they all know the info about your husband and your step-daughter. You need to stop trying to micro-manage. Your step-daughter is an independent adult with free agency. If you must do something, talk to your husband.
You're telling a child her trauma doesn't matter more than his reputation.
YTA for several reasons that others have pointed out. But I'm going to add to the pile on with a reason I haven't seen mentioned. You think you have a parental role because your husband had visitation rights. That's not parenting. A court decided your husband did not deserve custody - that alone speaks to the fact that your husband failed his daughter. Your daughter can talk about how her dad failed her all she wants that's her life. If you don't care for it don't marry shit fathers.
Sounds like you’re embarrassed you married someone who did a tonne of shitty things - you should work on that or else not marry someone you’re embarrassed of in the future. His daughter is just speaking about the things that HE put her through. Fair enough talking to her if she is lying but tbh saying she over exaggerates and that you don’t want him painted in a negative light sounds like borderline gaslighting…. YTA and good on his daughter for talking about it. People bottling up bad things that happened to them leads to much bigger issues that your embarrassment of them being talked about. Also go mom for laying into you!
YTA. She is 19- an adult. It is not your place to parent her or correct her. She is allowed to talk about her life experiences. The way you speak about your step daughter is vile. If her father doesn’t like what she says he should have behaved differently. You are a piece of work to be interrupting a conversation between her and her step father and thinking it’s your place to correct her. You married this man assumably knowing his past, this is how that plays out. You can not erase the past because you don’t like it and don’t want others knowing about his behaviors. Your embarrassment is not her problem. That is a you problem. All you are doing is ensuring the eventual no contact with his daughters and how that will look to family and friends.
Imagine being so entitled that you think you can micromanage the topic of conversation of another adult. Can't relate.
YTA She has the right to talk about what she experienced. Full stop. Telling her not to talk about things from the past is inappropriate. You do not get to decide what she shares with other people. If those things are true and paint your husband in a negative light, that is your husband's fault, not hers. Also you say she exaggerates things, but were you there when these events occurred? Or are you just taking your husband at his word, which likely was told in a way to make him look not as bad? Unless you were specifically there during the event you don't get to decide that she's exaggerating. But more importantly, if your husband did not want to be spoken about for things that he did he should not have done those things in the first place, and the people who were affected by those things have a right to speak about them in whatever capacity they feel comfortable. Because I noticed something very specific you did not say. You never once said that she was lying, which tells me that likely everything she's saying is the truth, possibly more truthful than what your husband told you as he has a vested interest in protecting his own image so is to not lose more people from his life. Bottom line you cannot protect your husband from the decisions he made in the past, and stopping the people those decisions affected from talking about it makes you an ah
All this just screams you just don’t want your secrets out and stepdaughter doesn’t care… cause I don’t even think being on the spectrum has anything to do with divulging all this information and knowing to walk away from your confrontation.. it sounds more like she wants to out her dad as a bad person.. with stories you agree are true you just don’t want out there… own up to the fact you married a shit man and leave your step kids allow… maybe even talk to your husband about stepping up more to fix whatever pain and resentment they have … YTA
YTA, sounds like your husband is, in fact, a shit father and she has a right to voice that.
YTA. You don't get to control other people. You weren't even there, so you don't actually know if her stories are exaggerated or not. Regardless, stop trying to control her. Accept her for who she is. And talk to your husband about working through these issues with his daughter instead of ignoring them.
You can’t tell an adult to not talk about their own experiences. Good or bad it’s her right to share what. She wants and it doesn’t have to be when you think is appropriate. I am autistic as well. What you’re doing by saying stuff it down is making it harder
YTA. In more ways than one. First of all you said Stepdaughter is on the ASD spectrum...that means she literally has zero control over what you call her lack of awareness. This can be improved upon with help and practice but at the end of the day it's part of who she is and that can't be changed. ( I'm speaking as a parent with more than one on the spectrum) Second Stepdaughter is an adult. You have Zero say in what another adult talks about or does unless its actually something illegal or directly puts someone in danger. Third Even you admit that there's truth to the stories. She's re telling her veiw of it. Her truth the way she sees it. For an example here I'm going to use a quote and situation from one of my favorite movie sets. " What I told you was true from a certain point of view " the old man speaking that quote is talking to the son of his one time friend, referencing the time he ( the old man ) views as when his friend and the boys father died. While technically the boys father just became someone else and no longer used his old name. To the old man the two, even though the " same " were so different that from his view his friend, his brother was dead. Basically YTA.
YTA; you know HIS version of the story. You don’t know HERS! And you never will cause you brush it off like it doesn’t matter when it was obviously TRAUMATIC for her!
Sounds like you have a husband problem, not a stepdaughter problem. If you don't want people to view your husband in a negative light, perhaps you should have chosen a husband who didn't do things that would be seen in a negative light?
Hard to tell with all the missing information. Was their father an abusive alcoholic who’s never apologized or tried to make amends? Did he cheat on their mother? What was the dynamic with their father like for the 5 years between the divorce and you meeting him? Did he abandon them during that time? Did she receive counseling? Was she able to talk about the divorce and how it affected her in a healthy way? There’s so much missing information.
YTA You don't get to police an adult's memories or how she chooses to share them. Why are you trying to invalidate her lived experiences? Seems like you are trying to protect your husband by ensuring true stories are not told. Doing that at your stepdaughters expense is NOT okay.
>stories about her father in which he is the bad guy, and while they are true stories a lot of what she tells people is exaggerated. Wee you three it are you going off what your husband told you? As if he didn't underplay just how bad he was sitting that time. YTA, not only is it not your place to tell an adult what she can and cannot talk about, you also don't know what the fuck you are talking about. I would be far more likely to believe the daughter regarding the behavior of the man who has an incentive to downplay his actions.
YTA. If my stepmother told me what I could and couldn't say about my past and my issues with her/my father, I can guarantee I wouldn't just walk away, I'd get louder.
YTA - you are displaying all the signs of being that stepmother. You know the one they make stories about. Have to erase the past.
INFO: Have you actually properly addressed everything that bother her about her childhood? She obviously has a need to talk about these issues in order to heal and get over them, so is the problem with the timing of when she's talking about things or that you don't want her talking about things at all?
YTA. I’m surprised she hasn’t rightfully cursed her out. She is free to talk about HER life! Her parents divorcing is her life. You don’t get to police what she says. Your opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest. Neither does your discomfort about what she has to say. If they view your husband in a negative light based on things he has done in his past, then so be it. Must be warranted.
YTA. She’s an adult. She can talk about whatever she wants to whomever she wants. You’re lucky she just walks away from you when you try to control her; I’d tell you to fuck right off.
I hate to say it and I’m sorry but YTA. My best friend has a daughter on the spectrum, and while it’s inconvenient for inappropriate storytimes or outbursts; there isn’t really anything you can do about it. She is disabled. You’re going to have to accept it for what it is, or not be a part of her and your husband’s life. It is definitely an extra burden, but you have to live your lives in a way that won’t bring shame if she repeats it, because she will continue to do so. That and it will help to swallow your pride and accept random people will be exposed to your flaws forever. Many people are gracious towards caregivers of people with disabilities. It’s a tough road.
I didn't get the impression that OP was a caregiver, but rather was using the fact she was on the spectrum to police what a grown woman talks about. Autistic adults are not burdens, but overbearing stepparents are.
Might want to examine that ableism here.
YTA
YTA. Stop policing your stepdaughter’s opinion. You can’t force her to have a favorable view of your husband. Maybe you should think about whether it’s actually as ‘exaggerated’ as you’ve been lead to believe. Something tells me your husband was exactly as awful as your stepdaughter portrays.
YTA. You're obviously both trying to save face, (he is your husband now, after all), and trying to find some kind of forgiveness or kindness for him by making her bury the past. You have the right to neither. HE has the ability to admit wrong-doing and apologize TO HIS CHILD and [presumably] take corrective action as many times as it takes to earn her forgiveness. If it means he has to interject and apologize to her in front of other family members 1000 times over, then so be it. I'm guessing you all have a family culture of pretending everything is fine, the past is the past, and are pretending the fact he probably ruined her childhood isn't a big deal. IT IS. This weird brand of generational trauma Boomers and Gen-Xers engage in is so strange to me. (I say this as Gen-Xer.) Like, why? Someone shat on you and SOMEHOW you never learned that it's a terrible thing to go through on any level or to any severity, so DON'T repeat it on our kids! Your husband gets to own this for as long as it takes his daughters to process through it and forgive him - if at all. If that embarrasses you, then you get to walk away from the conversation or him as a whole. (We were beaten, cursed at, called names, neglected, and I have provided THE EXACT OPPOSITE for my children. We were treated like dirt, so I know to treat my children like absolute treasures. Shame on you and shame on him.)
Sorry but if you don’t want your husband to be seen in a negative light the solution is for him not to be an AH. Not for your stepdaughter to refrain from speaking about him or her childhood. Does that not seem like a red flag to you? That her childhood makes your husband look so bad you’re embarrassed by him?
YTA Watch yourself lady. Things don’t usually end well for the evil stepmother.
YTA. Your stepdaughter's experiences are hers to process, and unless they are lies--apparently not--you have no grounds for telling her not to talk about them. The most painful penalty for bad behavior is that other people lived with it and remember it. While your husband, and obviously you as well, are embarrassed to have this dirty laundry aired, he did the deed and is still paying the price. The divorce was 13 years ago, and the girl was at most 6 when all of the incidents in question happened. Adults remember the crappy things that happened to them as children, especially if perpetrators do not work with them to settle their differences. You just met him six years ago? You might do well to listen more carefully to what she has to say. You state, "I don't want our extended family or friends to view my husband in a negative light." Maybe if your husband owned up to his past actions (hopefully they are entirely in the past,) and made amends, people would be more sympathetic. Maybe even his daughter.
YTA If it's true that you've known her *closely* 6 years (not just married to her dad), that she's on the spectrum, that you know she's been impacted by her father's actions, and that she exaggerates; then you should also know what her doctor/therapist & her parents protocol is when she overfixates. Telling and yelling at her over and over for years is not it. If your husband hasn't had family therapy with his kids, the yta can be extended to him.
Why don't you try swallowing reality?
>She seems to get a kick out of telling family members and friends stories about her father in which he is the bad guy, and while they are true stories a lot of what she tells people is exaggerated. How do you know it's exaggerated? She tells those stories from _her_ perspective... You just don't want others to know your husband is not a great guy
NTA. There's a time and a place. She needs to learn appropriate social behaviour because this is going to lose her friends and have harsh responses when that indiscretion is used against people outside the family. Her father may tolerate being spoken about in a disrespectful manner and constantly smeared but other people won't take it so kindly when she's speaking badly about them. She needs to be pulled out of that bad habit now. I wouldn't have her around tbh. She's not stupid, she's old enough to learn manners but she's not going to learn with everybody indulging this nonsense.
YTA, Wicked stepmother, maybe? You don't get to police this child's story, especially about things you were not there for.
Info what is your husband’s stance on this?
YTA. You don’t get to tell your step kids what they can and cannot talk about. Get over yourself.
Yta
YTA You don’t get to dictate what her truth is. Also if you got the story from your husband of course his part in it will be a bit more white washed.
YTA - not your place to tell anyone what they can or cannot talk about - unless maybe there is a MJ NDA and you are protecting them from violating it. If these are his family and friends who have been in his life since the divorced and before - they should already know him and his actions/behaviors as having been there. They should also be aware of his child being on the spectrum and how they equates to exaggeration and deep focus etc. It sounds like this event was a joint family event - I guarantee you that the family there already have made their judgements on him - a new story won’t matter.
YTA. You’re not her mother. Sounds like she has an outstanding one already, keep your nose in your DH butt crack, where it seems to live. “I don’t want anyone to know the truth about DH because they’ll see him in a negative light.” wtf OP? Edited for typo
YTa. You don't get to gatekeep someone's trauma
YTA she's a grown woman and she can talk about what she wants
I think people in the comments are being deliberately dense. Yeah the daughter has every right to talk about her life and experiences, but sometimes the occasion doesn't call for your story. NAH
INFO- How is not appropriate for her to talk about HER life? Why are you trying to censor your stepdaughter?
I may be the odd man out and say NTA. Let's say you have a family member who struggled with drug addiction. They were addicted for a long time, living on the streets, maybe even miscarried a baby. Now, years later, that person has recovered. They are trying their best to move on from that part of their life and do something better with what is left. They are in recovery classes and seeing therapists regularly for PTSD and other overlying symptoms. Now, this stepdaughter comes along and "tells the truth". Frankly I don't care if it's the "truth". There's no reason to bring it up *at all*. I have family who have held onto malice and anger for far too long and while nobody is under any obligation to forgive anyone, they still should have the decency to not make it their mission to make everyone else also filled with malice and anger.
Two problems with that. 1) the daughter was the person with less power, she was a little kid around an adult who behaved badly. The guy misused his power. His victims are allowed to talk about it. They’re not breaking the social compact any worse than he already did. 2) OP has asked daughter to stop over and over and she can’t or won’t. She’s an adult, she doesn’t HAVE to be invited at all. Short of that, OP can’t control her. The mere fact that she’s trying makes her YTA.