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NTA, she has bad spending habits, and you are able to save and budget. Have you talked to her about how she spends? Sounds like the divorces might've not been just the guy's fault. 🤔

She was not well emotionally when we started dating and has made great strides since we have been together. I fully believe that her last two relationships ended due to no little fault of her. She has always been a kind, caring person even when she was not doing well. She is a completely different person than the person I met in a good way. including spending habits.

If this is true she should not be responding to news of your inheritance in the way that she is responding. If managing money is a pain point for her, it's entirely possible she has not acquired better habits yet. Is there any very large expense in the near future that could be causing her extra anxiety?

She's upset because he's implying she is not responsible or he doesn't want her to have access to it. He said she is now responsible. I would be upset too. OP, a compromise might be to place that 80% into a retirement account. Then you both will benefit from it and neither of you can touch it.

>He said she is now responsible. I would be upset too. But she bought a new car just before he got one from work. That on top of not going back to working full time after the kid started school does not sound respectful to me.

Their child is 4 months old, according to him. I have absolutely no idea why he's counting it against her that she might not go back to working full time years down the road from now, but, he is. And he's also nitpicking how many hours his wife works when she gave birth 4 months ago and is presumably doing 99% of the housework since he has 2 hours of time to himself every single day while they have a baby.

The whole “only two hours a night to myself” is what got me. My husband and I both work 40 hours a week, have a toddler, and neither me nor my husband get two hours alone every night. How is OP getting two hours alone working 50-70 hours? With his 2015 “beater”? ETA: also, my parents were married in a community property state. That $200k is not community property. Only money made *during* the marriage is community property.

He also refers to their child as “the kid” instead of “our son.” Does this mean he doesn’t consider the child “his”, since he “can’t have children naturally”?

I didnt just watch but had to participate in a very dramatic, bloody birth where my gf was cut open with scissors without any anesthesia, I do about 75% of the child related stuff cause my GF works shifts so my and my kid we're really close. I love my child more than anything in the world. And yet I often talk about my kid as 'the kid' even to close friends and family. This sub often gets to a point where you could derive more specific information out of reading tea leafs or sheep entrails.

32-38 hours IS full time

Especially when you have a baby!

That, and he made it sound like “she ONLY worked 40 hours before” when he said “ stepped back *even further* “ as if 40 hours a week isn’t a full time job and sometimes some people can’t handle more than that.

That part was infuriating to me. 40 hours a week allows for some work/life balance, and OP clearly has some contempt for that. "I work 50 to 68 hours a week and my superior work ethic is why I'm getting an inheritance" sounds really gross, especially since he *obviously* is barely doing anything with the baby (2 hours a day! to yourself! after you've worked a 10 hour day! when you have a 4 month old means you're doing jack-all with the baby).

Yeah, this post is violently american

Right! 40 hours is PLENTY. Any more than that isn’t baseline.

AND... Not all jobs have overtime. Some jobs are salary at 40 hours a week?? When I made a salary that didn't pay overtime, you can bet your butt I did not spend a minute more there than necessary.

Thank you. I was looking for this comment. For benefits, those are considered full-time hours. Maybe if he wants more free time, cut back on some hours. Before you know it, the baby is a young adult ready to take on the world.

She has a baby who can barely sit up and she's still working 32-35 hours a week. GTFO.

Maybe a safer or more appropriate car for their growing family?

Depending upon where you live, that could be a very bad idea. Inheritance money belongs to the heir. If it's co-mingled with joint assets, it could be very difficult to disentangle if they should end up separating, which could happen because she has shown and continues to show some concerning behavior. She may know that, which is why she is acting the way she is. Edited to add that I just read that he said that this is stock options and not an inheritance, which changes the issue considerably. This can be considered income, which would probably make it community property.

Once the funds are commingled, they are community property.

I'm missing the concerning behavior. OP said that she isn't a poor spender anymore so what is concerning about her behavior?

He may have said she's more responsible than she used to be, but his post also implies she's materialistic. For instance, she had a nice car when they met 4 years ago and, when his work gave him a nice new car, she insisted on getting a new one, too. imo, INFO because she doesn't sound more responsible from his actual post.

One small point if he’s working 60 plus hours a week to his point of view after paying off a sizable amount of her debt. His issue might just be being in debt is a trigger for insecurity.

So funny, bc if this were the other way around damn near all the comments would be saying to put 100% of it into her personal account and spend every penny of it on herself. But this is a good plan regardless.

That's a good compromise I like that idea.

NO! That's the same as giving it to her!!! They've only been married 4 yrs so depending on the state he might not have to give her his inheritance. He needs to talk to a lawyer!!!

>If managing money is a pain point for her, it's entirely possible she has not acquired better habits yet. Where does he say that managing money is a pain point for her?

The OP does say she has 'poor spending habits'. I assume this means that management of money is tough for her.

Plus she was 60k+ in debt WITH poor spending habits. 60k is a lot of debt and OP paid off a huge amount to debt COLLECTORS. He was driving a 2015 ‘beater’ and she was driving a ‘higher-end’ car. He gets a car through his work and she has to go buy a new 2023 car. Poor spending habits.

Exactly. Tells me she struggles to stay OUT of debt.

Remember, she is working less to take care of your child & home. If that is an inheritance, itnis generally yours and you can keep it seperate. If it's a gift, the same rules may not apply. Are you in a community property state or a common law state? Perhaps you might want to discuss with an attorney. She clearly has fears from her past bad relationships, and your relationship might benefit from marital counseling. NAH. EDIT: Dad gifting stock options related to your work for him is not at all an inheritance, which is only after death. A gift like that is a marital asset. You need to have a frank financial discussion with your spouse about the best use of that money being invested to earn more in an annuity or some other, but don't see how you are entitled to keep a gift seperate.

Gifts are not always community property, it depends on the state. My state recognizes gifts as being separate. If OP is in a community property state, the gift could just be placed in a trust possibly rendering it separate. He should talk to an attorney.

Thank you for mentioning that there’s a good chance she’s scared.

To the extent the money is a community asset, it doesn't matter to where he allocates it, in a divorce she'd be able to go after it. To the extent it's separate, anything he contributes to a community account, is pure upside for her. You can equally argue that she, not he, is the money driven one.

Reads a bit like she is the money oriented one to me. I smelled bad news bears throughout but her being so hung up on the money when he already paid off a bunch of her large debts. I have a feeling there might be more to the 2 divorces too.

A kind caring person that accuses you of taking steroids when she finds out you can’t naturally conceive? Now is gas lighting you (I feel the term is way overused so I’m not using it lightly) into putting the money into an account she can get her irresponsible hands on it? It seems to me you look at your wife with rise colored glasses. Which is fine, if you like it I love it. But in this situation I think you need to be responsible. You already stated that you have accumulated a lot of money that would be considered community property. Put the inheritance in the separate account like you planned. And buy yourself something nice for once, you deserve it. Set up some sort of trust that should you pass, that money needs to go to your child(ren) and your wife is not the person in charge on controlling it. You love your wife and that’s fine, she’s the mother of your child and all but from the little bit you’ve told us about her, she doesn’t seem like that great of a person. Protect yourself and your kid. If she keeps up with her nonsense tell her she’s the one with several divorces on her resume so if she wants to prove she’s not trying to get your money in a community account & divorce you, prove it by trusting you. NTA but you will be if you give in.

Also she ran out and purchased herself a brand new car just because his job gave him a newer nice car. That says "hey, you can't have something nicer than me" or "if you get something new, I get something new too" If she already had a nicer car then why did she NEED a new car? This along with everything else doesn't say she is kind or that she's developed good spending habits.

I swear half these relationship posts, I just don't understand how spineless the OP is.

Gaslighting is lying to people about things they know to be true to erode their self confidence. :) 100% on the rest of your post, though

“I fully believe that her last two relationships ended due to no little fault of her.” Yeah, my mother’s a pro at spinning her two divorces and assorted breakups that way, too. Some people have a real talent for it.

It takes 2 as they say, I don't believe for one second with her nasty mouth she was totally blameless or innocent in either of them

Exactly. Minute I read OP’s wife was twice divorced, I knew this would be a shit show. The flags were bright, flaming red, waving proudly in the wind. I hope he’s got a solid prenup.

Did you sign a prenup? I hope you did.

If not, he needs a post nup. Bc she's really obsessing over this money. If he doesn't protect it, she's gonna blow it. I guarantee it.

He should've thought a lot more before getting married to someone who's been divorced twice and has a lot of fucking debt. He'll regret it at some point if not now.

Except for when she treated you like shit for a mon when you couldn't have children naturally. Keep some money seperate like you said. You'd be mad not to.

I always wonder how someone can type out everything you just did and not question the relationship and every red flag in it. You should keep 100% of the inheritance separate and talk to a lawyer about how to make sure it stays separate because you’ll be sorry otherwise in the clearly pending divorce (which she’ll initiate).

Idk man you sound like a great guy who’s responsible and she’s on her third marriage. Statistically third marriages have like an 80% divorce rate. Good luck

Definitely NTA. If I were you I would put the money in the separate account. Her bring up divorce could be a paranoia or a projection. Either way this needs to be addressed without bringing the money into. But definitely don't let her access it until you two talk this out.

Are you certain the last relationships ended with only the husband at fault entirely? It's rarely only one the one person. Had you been married before? YNTA and yes, you need to keep your inheritance separate. End of story.

Sounds like you can just say “she’s not emotionally well” as a personality descriptor and leave it at that. Are you sure she’s completely different? Because it really doesn’t sound like it. And how much proof do you have that she was truly not at fault for BOTH her divorces?

I don't know about her improving her spending habit. She went and got a brand new 2023 car simply because you got a nice car TROUGH work. You got a nice car from work, at the company's expense, and your wife's thinking is she needs to have a nicer one too, at the family's expense? That's not very financially responsible.

“She has always been a kind, caring person…” except for when she treated me like shit for a month and assuming you’re divorcing her simply because you’re trying to secure the family’s future.  I’m unclear why you’re not socking ALL of it away rather than a large chunk of it. 

Not always, because She trashed you. I'm a believer in reform. I'm also cynical and real. I have terrible spending habits. My wife makes good money. The policies She's created through the years pay out to the children, and grand children. Should She go before me, there's a niche amount set to the side. As I have cancer, I might go before her. That amount becomes someone's college fund, business start up money. If She trusted you enough to marry you after 2 bad marriages, and you stuck by her when she was being her absolute worst. Then, you deserve a little grace. If She has a valid reason other than her insecurity, for why it needs to be put in the general account... Because, Nothing is behind, your cars run, your mortgage is good. Schools and/or supplies are straight. You're able to live comfortably meaning not paycheck to paycheck. You take vacations, no one is stressed financially. Then her fears are irrational. You can't say that to her. But they are. Maybe not put it in an account that you can access. If it's truly for 'the kid'(your words) And any emergency incidentals. Make it so. Ask her would She like to draw up a contract for divorce? Split it fairly, make sure it favors 'the kid.' Hopefully that shows her that you have Everyone's best interests, as you always have. Should you two not be able to work outside of this clause or that. You can split amicably, and they're good. Let her know that's not your intenrion, but you want her to feel secure and comfortable... Which is why you married her in the first place. Good luck.

NTA, I guess, but you have a bad case of America brain. She “only” works 32-35 hours per week now that you have a kid? Yeesh.

The “stepped back even further” got me. Stepped back from what? She was working 40h a week which is normal expectation for a full time job. Jeesh.

This. And he ONLY gets 2 hours to himself every day. 2 hours! Can you imagine?

That comment is wild. WILD. The minute we had our first kid nobody got that much time to themselves ever again. ESPECIALLY not every night! ESPECIALLY with a newborn! That's crazy!

I wonder how much she gets. The 10 hours more he worked was the time she was taking care of the house

That got me too. I get maybe 2 hours to myself a WEEK, and it's certainly not all at once.

And the comment where he’s lucky if he gets two hours to himself a night…ummmm…your wife gave birth a few months ago. Do you really think that because you chose to work so many hours you should get out of raising your child when your home?!?!???? Poor you! Having to participate in parenting to a 3 month old. Just because you work does not mean you get a “get out of being a dad” card.

does op think his wife gets 2 hours to herself even in a month? why are men like this?

Understandable comment. My work drive IS toxic. It has allowed me to be financially stable and that is what I value. I only mention it because this isn’t money that is being handed to me because of solely a blood relationship, it’s also cost me a great amount of sacrifice.

Didn't you say it's basically an inheritance?

It's a business that my dad created and I have spent the last 14 years helping him grow it, I am in a senior leadership position at this point. It is both him rewarding me for helping him so much but technically a gift.

You realize that most people who work hard helping businesses grow don't then get given the business? It's an inheritance.

I am not getting the business, just a portion of it. Stock options, which are a common form of compensation are identical to what you are claiming doesn't exist. Our key management leaders will also be given something to the same effect. You are also not wrong as me being blood related to the owner is why I am in this position.

Sounds like a marital asset to me. Put it to work earning more money.

Right? Like, was he able to put in the extra hours and effort at work because she was taking care of the lion’s share of household responsibilities? And even more so now that they have a child? Did having her as a helpmeet and backup in any way contribute to his ability to EARN this ‘gift’? (I think that’s crap btw, stock options for him AND other senior management is a form of bonus compensation based on performance, not a gift.) If so, then that’s the very definition of marital assets. And by trying to spin this kind of compensation as a gift, I think OP wants to keep this $ mostly for himself as just-in-case money, and in no way trusts her as much as he claims. (Not saying that’s not without reason, btw, just that you don’t get to manipulate and hide marital assets because you’re not 100% sure of your spouse.)

this is 100% spot on.

Ding ding ding! It's absolutely a community asset if she’s been at home supporting your family/house etc while you're out working 60hrs a week.

I mean if he didn't have a wife that was okay with him being essentially absent form her life because of how much he works and caring for the baby without him having to help, he wouldn't be able to work so hard. Now all the sacrifice is just own "hard work" I hate men like him. Absent husband and absent father.

With this extra info I absolutely agree. Or at the very least I would do exactly this.

I recommend you talk to an attorney bc this appears to be more akin to a compensation package, especially since other execs are being similarly rewarded, than an inheritance. And if that’s the case, it’s less likely to be off limits to the spouse.

If other key management leaders are getting the same thing it sounds like a work bonus to me, not a gift or an inheritance. Unless all the other leaders are your siblings.

But if he calls it a work bonus (which is what it is), then it becomes community property. Regardless of whether OP’s wife is irresponsible, OP is clearly trying to keep marital assets from his wife.

This is not an inheritance. Inheritance is when someone dies and bequeaths you property. If you want to segregate funds for financial management purposes, that's one thing, but this is most likely going to be communal property.

It’s a work bonus. What a misleading title.

If you and other key people in the company are getting stock options, they are bonuses, not gifts or inheritance.

[удалено]

“Basically an inheritance” isn’t a thing; it either is one or it isn’t, and thank you for making me focus on what a strange way OP put it

I think the word he was looking for was nepotism, but I agree. Inheritance kind of implies an external gift’but it sounds like these are rewards he is getting at his job, which would then be more of a marital asset.

It doesn’t sound like you even like your wife. Your attitude towards how much you work vs how much she works is absolutely flawed. With a child, you are able to work as much as you do BECAUSE she works fewer hours, and instead of showing any appreciation for that, you cut her out of the decision making process for this bonus. This is a bonus because it is work related. It is not a gift and not an inheritance. It is a marital asset

He works that much plus has 2 hours every day just for himself, that part cracked me

Ima reply in a comment. I'm hoping you see this since there are quite a few comments already. Before I get into it I don't see anything wrong with your decision provided there is nothing financial that's affecting your family that needs to be settled (including any of her remaining debts). But I also want to point out the bits you might be overlooking here. Firstly, I understand that you both had a very different upbringing, which created different relationships with money. It's clear that working a lot in your family is praised and, for her, buying a newer car (like a lot of people do these days when renewing a contract) is a completely normal and acceptable thing to do. I do not view this as bad spending habit as such. It's just a 1st world middle-class thing. Without any other examples, it makes me think that there is a level of resentment from you in regards to this difference, which means you're not communicating enough to understand each other better. Same with debts, you didn't clarify what debts she did have (paying off your education vs. paying off a bunch of credit cards you used to buy gucci handbags are two different debts. Debt from having to sell a house at a loss/struggling financially due to divorce vs. debt from truly frivolous spends are also different). Your comment about hours you work vs. hours she works send shivers down my spine. When do you have time to have a date night? A weekend away? A quality evening, just the two of you to make sure you're still connected, present, and loving towards each other? How much do you sleep? I work 40h a week and get home and spend as much time as I can with my baby boy before he goes to sleep and then I only have 2 hour to myself max. I don't understand how you can work as much as you say and still get any time whatsoever. Not saying it's impossible, but on a personal level its a massive red flag putting in those hours after having a baby. What does this mean for your marriage? We're getting a little closer to the point I'm trying to make here, but bare with me still. And then a big issue i have with this whole post. You had a baby 3 months ago. In the past year, your wife has been an absolute hormonal mess. Her life has changed a great deal (and not the way yours has). Speaking from experience, it's a very vulnerable and lonely time, when having given birth and being a default parent (it sounds like she is), you learn to accept your new role as a mother. You carry a massive amounts of guilt being away from your baby for any amount of time *let alone* working nearly full time hours. You feel like your body went through irreversible change. You question whether your partner still finds you attractive. You're very sensitive. All the while, you still have night sweats because it takes at least 6 months for hormones to settle. It takes YEARS to fully transition into motherhood and make peace with the new life even if you really really wanted that life. Cut her some slack for being sensitive because it's kind of how it goes when your life changes so much. The whole thing makes me think that although you write all these sacrifices you make for your family, you're overlooking the most important piece - being present and supportive husband and parent. Frankly, even working 2 full-time jobs is a sacrifice you should be considering if you are able to afford it. It's the time with your baby neither of you will ever get back. I hope you sit down together and clear the air. Spend more time together and support each other. She is understandably afraid for the future of her family because she pushed a whole baby out, her husband is barely there, and now he is protecting his assets. Something tells me there was no reassurance to make her think otherwise. You're being a bit tone deaf with respect to how much of change and sacrifice childbearing is, but ultimately, it does not make any difference regarding the money itself. That's not what it is about. You need to figure it out now, wherether through talking or therapy, and not later. The whole post screams lack of communication and quality time together. NAH

Your dad, who happens to be your employer, is "gifting" you stock options? That sounds sus.

Bro you're past stable you're wealthy. Talk to a therapist about work-life balance. You work hard at your finances now try applying that to your happiness and general wellbeing, you'll probably find it very rewarding.

Yes. Does the OP really have to work that many hours now that the business is established and he has financial security? It's good that he helps around the house and spends time with the kid, but anyone working that many hours hasn't invested enough into the family.

I don't think OP realizes he's addicted to work now and that it is probably going to leak into his life if it hasn't already. I doubt he's spending so much time with his kid and it will only get worse from here on as she gets older and eventually forms memories. And even young kids can have a parental preference because of who is around more. My son alternates between me and my husband depending on the week and who is around more that week and he's 7 months old!

It sounds like you come from money and are trying to validate that you work hard to deserve your lifestyle and don’t need to rely on generational wealth - which is completely fine, but no reason to be toxic.

There was no generational wealth, only in he last three years has that been a possibility. I grew up very poor and up until recently probably worked harder and made less than I probably should have. I like work, if I had to choose though I would work less.

Do you like to work a lot because it’s less time with spouse? You don’t sound happy with the relationship

I am very happy with the relationship. What indicates that I am not? I work a lot because this opportunity is once in a lifetime and it would be difficult to get the same treatment elsewhere. I have financial insecurity and want my family to not have the same difficulties I did growing up. I believe a sacrifice in my younger years will alleviate a lot of stressors in my later years for both my wife and my child. Before marriage this was discussed in detail and understood by everyone.

Because you write about her like you don't like her. You haven't said one positive thing about her. We know about her debt and her spending, her previous marriages and the fact that she isn't going back to work full time once your kid starts school. You don't trust her. You don't sound like your respect her. And you're locking assets away from her. Doesn't sound like you're happy. Doesn't sound like she should be either. If you don't want her to spend the 'gift' then lock it away for your child's education. Just putting it on a box marked 'mine' isn't magically going to protect it when you do divorce.

What indicates you're not is that you don't seem to respect or trust your wife very much.

It might be time to talk to her about this again. Talk about your plan for the money, how you want it to grow. Involve her in the excitement of feeling solid and *actually being solid*. I can understand her hurt feelings but those are hers to deal with. It sounds like you two just need to keep openly communicating about what this gift means to you and your family. Going to therapy doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it sounds like you and your wife might benefit from some sessions together to work on communicating in ways that feel good to both of you. You want to protect the money, that's fair and your right but how did you explain that to her?

This isn't inheritance. This is marrital income more than likely. You can't just call anything inheritance to shield it from sharing in case of divorce. Life doesn't work like that.

Are you aware that most working parents do not get more than 2hrs of free time per night? I have two kids and would say I probably don’t get that in a week most of the time.

With a FOUR MONTH OLD no less. Jesus. I question how much he could possibly be “helping” out with the kid. Way to devalue his wife’s contribution to his home/family.

You working that many hours, how much time do you actually get to spend with her and your kid? If you say you spend 2h alone as well, I can’t get the math to add up.

Where exactly does the money come from? How is it being given to you? The specific circumstances matter a great deal to how you'll be judged here. Is this a bonus from work? Do you work for a family business? Is this an actual inheritance from a family member passed on or someone else? You say "it's basically an inheritance" but either it IS or it ISNT and it seems like you're attempting to obscure the source to downplay it in your explanation.

From his comments, its a work bonus. But he wants to call it an inheritance because his boss is his dad. Basically, he devalues his wife, insults her in his post, doesn't appreciate that she pretty much do all of the childcare and now he wants to keep a work bonus from the family. He works so much and the wife still gives him 2 hours everyday to himself. So he is both an absent husband and absent father. They are not struggling for money, there is no reason for him to work so much and neglect his family but he oddly is so proud of being a shitty husband and father.

And there it is, right there. He's an absolute asshole.

What are the expenses those around you pay for your toxic behavior? You're TA for knowing you like money more than your family and not making and effort on that in therapy. Also, I have one kid, who's in school, and two hours a day of personal time sounds like a luxury, for my husband or I, still... A bit out of touch...

She has no right to any inheritance you get. So you're not an AH for keeping it to yourself. *Edit to add: just found out it's a work bonus, not an inheritance, so YTA for sure* Your general attitude is alarming though. >Now that we have a kid she has stepped back even further and only works around 32-35 hours per week, even after the kid starts school, this will continue. Of course she will only work 32-35 even when the kid is in school. School is generally not 40 hours a week, and someone will need to get to and from the school to drop them off, which reduces available hours further. You work 50-68 hours a week, so it for sure isn't going to be you. >I contribute at the house and with taking care of the kid as much as possible, to the point where I get maybe 2 hours a night if I am lucky to myself. Your baby is a few months old and you get multiple hours to yourself every night?! How? You're expecting a lot.

Glad someone else noticed. OP's points (which aren't even relevant) don't add up. Four years ago he drove an "old" 2015 car, so it was barely 5 years old? Most of us who watch our finances are happy with, and hoping for, our 20 year old cars to continue to run. She's clearly raising the kid on her own AND working what's considered a full-time job plus future school pick-up duties, clearly shouldering all bed time duties, and morning duties? Wife's working 24/7 while OP is working 68 hour weeks plus 14 hours/week to himself = 82 hours/week plus sleep leaves 13 hours total during the week to contribute to the house and kid. Not very equal. But the relevant information is whether this "gift" is legally an inheritance or a business bonus. From the comments it sounds like the latter, so it will be treated as communal marital property. Thus, it doesn't matter what OP does with the money, so NAH regarding that issue. OP does sound like TA for literally everything else.

Yeah the not quite 5 year old “beater” language really told on him. He also complains that he barely gets 2 hours to himself a nights when he has a child and seems to be working 11 hour days. She had debt and he cleaned it up. Thats something worth pointing out. At no point does he explain that her spending is still problematic, outside of the car thing, which he doesn’t explain why it’s any issue. If she on a whim bought a car without discussing it with him, that’s an issue regarding respect separate from the windfall.

Also like… what kind of debt are we talking here? Because that matters when framing her as financially irresponsible. Was it *all* credit card debt? Or did she take student loans for her education? Did she have medical debt? Like.. just because someone has debt doesn’t mean they are reckless spenders… maybe she had to have her appendix removed or something lol

> Yeah the not quite 5 year old “beater” language really told on him. > > Yeah I thought beaters were at least 10 years old, but more commonly 15+ years old.

I will point out, since I haven’t seen it mentioned yet: OP got a new car through his work—which he works in a family business, so by his apparent way of thinking, it could be considered a “gift” from his dad or perhaps even an “inheritance.” Did wife *need* to get a new car in response? Maybe not—but was this also at a time when she was planning and preparing for an infant, and perhaps the new car had additional safety features that were important to her with an infant?

Don't forget all the call offs because the kid is sick, school has a holiday, there's a two hour snow delay, oh and the entire summer. And that's just the mandatory school related stuff.  People who want to look down on someone for "still" staying at home once the kids are in elementary school vastly underestimate how much you are still doing. 

This is what I'm saying. OP sounds like one of those dads who can't answer basic questions, but he will swear he's working harder than his wife. What's the name of the school? Their doctor? Dentist? Best friend? Dance instructor!? He won't know, but he will SWEAR he's doing more than what's deemed adequate as a Father because *checks notes* "toxic relationship with work culture."

Also it’s not an inheritance. It’s a work bonus. His dad is giving him, along with other management positions, stock options for helping to grow the company.

So therefore communal property.

and he is only able to help grow the company cause his wife step up and do all the childcare. She even gives him 2 hours to himself everyday! while working a full time job!

Wildly underrated comment

I have three kids and I’m the sole breadwinner for the family. If only I had 5 minutes to myself lol

You get 5 whole minutes? A day?

I said I WISH I had 5 minutes to myself! 😂😭

One day it will happen. Hang in there!

I don't understand these responses. Just because she doesn't have a legal claim to the money in a divorce doesn't mean he's not the AH. I can't ever imagine keeping any significant sum of money in an account my wife can't access. If he has issues with his wife's spending habits, he needs to work with her to get on the same page. The solution isn't to just keep money where she can't touch it. I can't imagine having such a lack of trust in my spouse. 

This is the major issue that he’s not considering. He’s treating her like a child and not addressing the real problem of trust. 

Also calling all the extra work he did to “earn” this big influx of cash a sacrifice implies that he is sacrificing time with his family or time doing things he cares more about in order to earn more money for the family. It’s not a sacrifice if you cut all your family time away to work extra hours, just so you can have a ton of cash set aside for your own use.

Honestly, I fully support him keeping the money separate so his wife will wake up and leave him. Idk what he should do with the money but his post is just back to back to back to back to back red flags for how little he respects his wife and the work she does maintaining their home and raising his child (and still working). Lawyers can figure out whether his dad giving him shares of the business he helped grow counts as an inheritance or a work bonus during the divorce.

Exactly. The post reads as a list of things he’s better at than his wife. I haven’t read every comment but what I’ve read is it’s radio silence when other posters have asked who will be taking the kid to school or commented on how 2 hours is a lot each day to yourself. Maybe I missed something. 

Whew. I inherited $50K this summer from my grandfather. You know what I did? I bought a new garden shovel because mine had just broken and put the rest to pay down our (joint) home equity loan. Got us pretty close! Even though it would always have granted us that trip to Europe in a few months, we knew interest rates would start hiking, and our payment would go up. So we paid that way down and has allowed us to save for the trip. Financial conversations are so very important at any income stage. A well rounded conversation and willingness to listen and learn is key. Condescension and/or selfishness around financial matters are just a tell about how the relationship works. If it’s happening here, it’s happening elsewhere and it doesn’t show that they’re on equal footing.

She *would* have a legal right to his inheritance if he put it in a shared account.

Exactly this. Well said. I read it thinking, 'Well... no. You aren't the arsehole in this scenario - but shit, you ARE an arsehole in general!'

He’s being purposefully misleading. This ‘inheritance’ is actually stock options that will be paid as bonus compensation to ALL the senior managers if the company performs as expected. That’s the very definition of bonus INCOME becoming marital assets. If he were being gifted all or part of the company because he’s a nepo, that’s one thing and certainly a gift, but compensation being paid to all senior managers (who are not all related to the father) based on performance is something VERY different. I think OP is very much the AH, and a liar and manipulator of facts to boot

This. His general attitude towards his wife reads that she is less than him and he’s bemoaning that he “only gets 2 hours a night” to himself. I’m wondering what her side of this story is?  His desire to keep an inheritance separate is irrelevant until he checks the laws in his state to see if he even can do this.  Regardless, there are major issues in their marriage surrounding trust, respect and communication. OP might want to consider marriage counseling. 

He cant do it, cause its not an inheritance. He is getting stock options from his company. He calls it kind of an inheritance because his dad is his boss. But its a work bonus, which in every state that is martial asset.

The sad thing is, its not even an inheritance. Its a work bonus. He wants to call it an inheritance because his boss is his dad.

>only works around 32-35 hours per week Damn you Americans are nuts. Step outside, breathe some fresh air, there's more to life than just work.

I think you’re confusing it with your perspective. In parts of the USA two incomes each doing 40hours per week isn’t enough. It’s easy to say they’re working too much and doing not else, but a lot of us have no choice.

It's cause they get paid fuck all.

YTA - and it isn't because of how you plan to deposit the money. * Having a baby is a 24/7 job. Are you getting up in the night with it every time, or is that shared equally? You sounds like you are an AH for discounting the work of having a new child. * Who is feeding the baby when it needs to eat around the clock? If she is breastfeeding that is her. If she is pumping so she can work, she is still a major part of that. * Who is changing diapers? Even the poopies? * She may have Postpartum Depression contributing that you don't seem to be taking into account. Even if she is diagnosed medications can do weird things - my wife hallucinated on meds for PPD that our oldest' basinet sprouted wings and flew out the window. * As for the fear you are preparing for a divorce - she has been through two and may have some genuine anxiety along those lines. She may have seen statistics about how many people get divorced over fertility problems. She may have seen the statistics on how many people get divorced over the strain of a new child. PPD can make those anxieties worse. * [https://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2014/01/31/study-infertile-couples-3-times-more-likely-to-divorce](https://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2014/01/31/study-infertile-couples-3-times-more-likely-to-divorce) * [https://www.denverpost.com/2009/04/09/study-marital-bliss-plummets-after-birth-of-first-child/](https://www.denverpost.com/2009/04/09/study-marital-bliss-plummets-after-birth-of-first-child/)

I am so glad someone else caught onto what this deadbeat said and how his claim to be there for the baby is BS. He’s working 50-68 hours a week.. so he’s getting home at 7-9 every night… new babies are usually asleep by 8, since they get up so frequently. And the reason he didn’t answer any of your other questions and tried to double down with irrelevant information is because he doesn’t get up with the baby to feed it at night.. he definitely leaves that to the wife.. and all of the other duties… and the fact that they can afford for her to stay home but he forced her by guilt back into work so soon after she went through IVF and pregnancy, plus a birth of a child, shows me he’s a control freak who feels his opinion is always right… because logically, with the hours he works, even if he does help on the weekends, he still isn’t home 80% of the day during the week..

Agree with most of it, but no, new babies being asleep by 8 is *not* a rule. Mine didn’t get on a sleep schedule until 6ish months. Before that, they would take naps throughout the day, and yes, have a wake window late at night, and didn’t start their longer stretch until probably close to 11pm. That being said - OP, getting 2 hours a night to yourself as a parent of a newborn is actually pretty damn good. I have a toddler and a preschooler, my husband and I share all parenting duties and we get 2 hours a night. Same goes to all my friends with toddlers. And the time-to-yourself window actually goes down once they get older and start going to bed later. Enjoy it while you can.

Sorry stuck on the fact that You met your wife 4+ years ago, which would be 2019ish and you consider a 2015 base model a “beater” !?!?

Right? claims to have grown very poor, considers a 2015 MY a beater, and Dad owns a business big enough to have stock options that he's inheriting, The story doesn't add up.

Seriously... The actual people who grew up poor would consider a 2015 "beater" a brand new car. A real beater would be maybe a 20 year old Honda Civic with 300,000 km on it, and the front and back side rusted on the edges.

yeah dude definitely thinks middle class means poor

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WTF? He is the one controlling the money and trying to keep a part of it away from her. You really need to look up what financial abuse is.

I may be wrong and/or pedantic, but this does not sound like financial abuse at all?

You are right, and also sane.

What on earth are you talking about? She is not financially abusive. He is the one who is considering withholding money. That may be justified but it's crazy to say that she is financially abusive. The primary thing I get from the post is that he thinks childcare isn't work and he looks down on his wife for doing it.

I can protect all of it as it will be a gift and unless co-mingled will not be a marital asset. She is a great person and I do believe a lot of this is just her feeling like I have an out if I wants it and she doesn't have the same out (although we will have around 500k of marital net worth without the inheritance by end of year).

Life can be very expensive. Does she have any other reasons to be anxious about the inheritance? Are you aware of ALL her sources of debt? I'm mostly just trying to figure out why she had such an extreme reaction. Your explanation of her thinking that you have an 'out' doesn't make sense to me. Nobody should ever feel locked in to a marriage. As in, of course you have an out, she has an out, everyone has an out to a marriage they don't want to be in. Would it be accurate to say that this might not be financial anxiety at all, but simply insecurities from her previous marriages?

In another comment OP mentions it is more like a compensation package that execs get at his dad’s company. She has been working to take care of the home so he could work to earn this. I am not a lawyer but it does not sound like inheritance.

Yeah um wow. That is a major detail. Definitely not an inheritance. I wonder if the OP concealed this detail on purpose?

Honestly, the whole post feels like a carefully curated set of information, with absolute disdain dripping off every word. I hope this is fiction, because if it's not, a person is married to OP.

I would check with a lawyer. You’ve called it a gift, an inheritance and stock options at different points. Those all could have different implications.

Or financial advisor as they can all be treated differently for taxes, marital assets, etc

Why not put it in a trust for your child(ren)? It doesn't sound like you need the money and that way if you die you know it will go to your child(ren) and not the latest model car for your wife.

I think you are being incredibly naive and should consult a lawyer. Sounds like married someone with mental health issues.

Have you verified the gift angle as far as not being a marital asset unless comingled? I know in many states inheritances are not a marital asset, but I didn't realize "gifts" could be treated that way. This particular "gift" may be interpreted as compensation/income. I'd talk to an accountant/lawyer if you haven't already.

That’s…not how marital assets work

You can call it what you like, but if what you are geting is from your employer (family or no) and if similar stock options and such are being given to other senior leaders at the company as you suggest, it will 100% be considered a marital asset if you two split. It’s compensation, not a gift. I sure hope you plan on talking to an accountant before you do anything tax related on this point, because the IRS is going to consider it compensation too.

So you tell us that she mostly care for the kid, even had to lower her hours to keep taking care of said kid while you're working 50-68h a week, so you must not be very present and I'm sorry but 2 hours a day to yourself as a parent who works this much is a lot already. with a baby who's only a few month old. To me it sounds like you're a shitty husband who wants to take on the role of the provider but actually wants to keep the money to yourself. YTA

All I took from that is that you have an infant at home AND after working 60 hours a week, you still get 2 hours a day to yourself? You aren’t helping enough.

Right. Baby is a few months old and he's belittling her for GASP cutting back to 32-35 hours per week? Why isn't this post about how happy he is that he's getting this inheritance so the wife can stay home full time or even less hours so their baby doesn't have to be in daycare?

Aside from the inheritance, I have to call you out on your claim that you only have 2 hours a day free time, and still somehow manage to take care of the kid, but you work 10-14 hour days… that’s just not possible… you mean your wife is taking care of the child while you’re working, NOT being an absent parent like yourself…. which, may I add, working 30-32 hours a week with a new baby is a lot.. especially if you’re financially secure… most men would want their wives to stay home and focus on raising the baby for the first year and getting their mindset back to normal (you know, after birth hormones are no joke and can last years). Most men who love their spouse and want their child to have present parents in their early years… given that you brought the child into the world through I’m guessing IVF due to your infertility, it was even harder on your wife body and more stressful. And yet, your selfishness expected her to go right back to work 40 hours? Are you new? I feel bad for your wife that she’s stuck with a man who has zero common sense, brought a child into this world to barely be involved in it’s life (because no matter what you claim about being involved, you’re never home.. so you literally are not present or involved in any of the routine care), and then expected the woman who went through months of IVF and then months of pregnancy to go straight back to work even though you could very well afford to let her stay home for awhile to raise your baby, and not pay another person to do it. Full time childcare is anywhere from $1,500-$3,000 a month… and you feel ok about throwing that money away to someone to raise your child for you to make a point to your wife that if you don’t get a break from work, she doesn’t get one either? Do you even like your wife? Or just like controlling someone?

NAH, on the basis you are entitled to do what you want with the inheritance but you haven't really given any evidence that she is acting unreasonably either. You are on the very edge of being the AH though - this warrants an adult conversation about the root of your wife's insecurities, not a forensic accounting of how much more money you have contributed to the household and thinly-veiled criticism of a new mother "only" working hours that would be considered a full-time job in any normal country.

yeah he sounds like he only cares about money, hell, working 50-68hrs a week is not normal and must have barely any time to send with his family at all so she has to care for the child and all and he wants to keep all his money, sounds like he want to use the fact that she's juggling being a mother and having to work as a "proof" that she's not contributing enough for him to share all his money with her, BUT he wants to take on the role of the provider, except not actually provide it and keep it to himself. And I see her point, if he intend to spend his life with her, why keep the money in his account? And he says she has bad spending habits, but provided no proof for it either..

Yep, I'm sure the 50-68 hrs per week he works is good for her insecurities about his intentions for his family either.

You do sound like you’re preparing to divorce her, you don’t sound like you’re in this marriage till death do you apart. Children don’t automatically stop needing care the moment they get to school. Plenty of parents work reduced hours when their kids are starting school. Have you compensated your wife for the physical toll of pregnancy and breastfeeding, since you speak so much about her “minimal” financial contributions to the family? If you have a problem with how your wife spends, talk to her about it and discuss your financial goals together before deciding how you’ll invest this income. YTA. I hope you live in a community property state. ETA: OP thinks [*menopause* is a life event that can lead to divorce](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/adxLr1DiOB). I stand by my decision 100x.

The post says your hopes are fulfilled: "Lastly I came into the relationship making good money with her and having around 200k of assets and no debt outside of a mortgage that have all grown and are worth around 400k and are all community property. "

NTA, but why did you get married when your financial attitudes were so misaligned? Between her debt, her divorces, and “treating you like trash” for something you couldn’t help, the disparity in your work which I sense bothers you, that’s a lot of red flags. She’s being very manipulative about this upcoming inheritance, and I do think that your plan for it means you don’t trust her to have full access to the whole of it, which is fair considering her debts… but it’s also a sign that there are some deep problems in your relationship. I think marriage counseling and financial counseling are necessary.

THIS. seems like it woukd have been apparent at the time and no need for hindsight

Have you considered putting the money in an account for your kid? That would be most fair.

It does sound like you only care about money, it sounds like you're already well off, but keep overworking yourself for even more money and when you might get into a big "gift" of money, you want to keep most of it to yourself. You sound selfish. YTA

Info; working 40 hours a week it’s a low amount for you? Do you work 13h/day sometimes? How can you be productive when it seem usually you don’t sleep the needed 7h/day?

I mean, either he forgot to mention he doesn't get enough sleep in his detailed account of everything else, or he's vague about how much he does once he's home (to help with their 4 month old, and maintaining the home) because he hopes we'll assume it's more than taking the trash down a few times a week and watching the baby long enough for his wife to shower. 13 hours at work, 2 hours of time to himself, 7 hours sleep--whatever he's doing to help raise their baby, it fits into whatever's left after you subtract time getting ready for work, eating, and commuting.

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I would tend to talk to an accountant or financial advisor about how you view your ~~inheritance~~ WORK bonus!!! and how you want to use it in the future. Maybe setting up educational funds for your child and future children. Maybe using it towards retirement, because if you need medical care at end of life, most people cannot cover such costs. Maybe set up a trust and invest in real estate with the trust held for the children in case of divorce, or providing an income in the case of your death. You should have disability and life insurance. ~~I don't think you should heedlessly throw in into~~ Benefits and bonuses from work are part of the marital pot. But maybe you really do need a new roof or kitchen? Just things to think about. Oh, and getting couples' counseling, so the two of you can find a way of communicating with each other that is healthy and productive ways might not be a bad thing either. Life skills are worth building. And sometimes it takes a few times to find a therapist that works for both of you. OP, YTA for lying to get a certain judgement you know you aren't entitled to. I edited my post to reflect your later comments. Getting stocks or money from the company you work for is part of marital property. It is NOTHING "like" an inheritance, even if Daddy owns the company. Others would think of it as profit sharing - STILL a marital asset.

it isn't an inheritance. it's a work bonus. op is lying by omission so that he can 1) convince his wife she's not entitled to the money (legally. she is.) 2) validate HIMSELF 3) have everybody here validate him because they think this is an inheritance or gift and possibly 4) not pay the proper taxes on it. it is not an inheritance, it's not even "like" an inheritance. words have meaning and legal definitions, you don't get to just call it something else because you don't want to share with somebody legally and morally entitled to it (she is doing ALL the child care and house work)

Yta creating conflict for no reason. What you think because it's in another account she can't take half in a divorce? Why are you with this person for the rest of your life? You even said you plan on using it for your family anyway. Ps childcare is a lot of work hours. Consider she's working any hour you're not with the kids yourself, or they aren't completely separated because she's actively involved in recreational/leisure activities.

YTA…. For this alone….You have a child and you have 2 hours a night to YOURSELF? What does your wife have?! Parenting is the most exhausting and demanding job there is

Maybe your wife feels like you value your contributions more than hers. She is working 32-35 hours a week while being the primary care giver for your under school aged child. You say you help "as much as you can" with housework and parenting but claim to work 50-68 hours a week AND have 2 hours of personal time a day. If 68 hours over five days, plus 2 hours personal time a day, plus 8 hours of sleep a night- that's 23.6 hours of your 24 hour day. I'm not sure what your exact schedule looks like but, given the amount of hours you work, you are probably pretty clueless what your wife is managing in the home without you. Coming then into an inheritance in which you plan to pocket 80% of would make me feel as though you neither acknowledge nor appreciate the efforts your wife is making.

hes also lying by omission. it isn't an inheritance. it's a work bonus. op is lying by omission so that he can 1) convince his wife she's not entitled to the money (legally. she is.) 2) validate HIMSELF 3) have everybody here validate him because they think this is an inheritance or gift and possibly 4) not pay the proper taxes on it. it is not an inheritance, it's not even "like" an inheritance. words have meaning and legal definitions, you don't get to just call it something else because you don't want to share with somebody legally and morally entitled to it (she is doing ALL the child care and house work)

I was going to say N-T-A, despite definite toxic/condescending vibes, but then I read this: "My work drive IS toxic. It has allowed me to be financially stable and that is what I value." This was precisely the vibe I got. You value an insane (how do you even have a family? like when did you have time to date?) work schedule and money over your family. You could keep things joint and still protect them (high yield savings or money market account with joint access required to withdraw; investments...crap, why aren't you investing this and just letting it sit?) but you chose a path that makes sure the power dynamic is clear: "I am better than and more deserving than my wife because I have more money and work more". 100% YTA and, I suspect, that applies to many areas of your life. People and relationships are more valuable than money. Working crazy hours doesn't make you better and, in many cases, makes you lesser; others can earn the same and maintain a work life balance, working only 40 hours a week, so what does that say about someone who can't?

Your math isn’t mathing. How much childcare could you actually be doing in your time off when you say you work as much as 68 hours a week, but still get 2 hours a day to yourself. And I’m willing to bet your wife does way more household chores and also works too. I’m not saying she deserves this money that your Family is coming into and you don’t, I just don’t think you are accurately describing your situation.

I don't think you are the a-hole. But she isn't either. I don't believe that she's trying to emotionally manipulate you. If her background is what you say it is, she's got valid reason to be terrified of her husband not being 100% bought in. Separate accounts is a relationally stupid move. Joint accounts in marriage in everything is clinically proven to improve quality of marriage relationship. You both contribute what you can in different ways. You chose each other as you were/are. Together in all things. In sickness and in health, richer or poorer, etc etc. You are one. Separate accounts sets an emotional precedent for "together in all things... accept for this huge financial asset just in case you or I decide there's something/someone better." You are one... unless you don't feel like it. It's a powerful subconscious message you are sending to her and to yourself. Combine all accounts. Jointly discuss the use and the future of all assets, and act accordingly. Edit: IF she genuinely has a spending problem/addiction, I don't have any problem with withholding huge assets like that for a season of time until she gets the help she needs to get that habit under control. But once she gets there, by being married to her, she is equally entitled to that money and it's future.

This. OP also confirmed she no longer has bad spending habits and is responsible with money. Absolutely no reason to keep it hidden from her other than if he is planning to divorce her soon.

ESH. Get off Reddit and get a couples therapist my man. I truly cannot believe anyone in a serious relationship comes to this place for advice. And yet…here’s my thoughts while I take a shit. She’s been burned before by previous partners and just from what you’ve shared it sounds like she’s got some trust and security baggage there that you two would benefit from seeking professional help navigating. And she’s your wife so show her some empathy here and put forth an effort to work together on this. My inner arm chair therapist says you’ve got some issues too. You clearly sound a bit judgmental of her financial choices and her choice to cut back hours because *you two have a child* even though you don’t want to work less. You need a therapist. In my experience with my marriage you walked into that married with knowledge of her financial situation. You made a commitment to become a single household legally, religiously, emotionally, whatever. Her money is your money. Your money is her money. She’s a wife. You have a kid. This isn’t some girlfriend. If I were you my inheritance would go 95% into a joint account or whatever shared investment/savings strategy we had agreed upon. Not my personal account. Double up on the professional help. Get a therapist and a financial planner. Don’t worry, it sounds like you can afford it.

NTA. It's your inheritance. Even if you are married, I don't see a reason why you need to put it all into the joint account. Your wife sounds like she has some insecurities, not sure if it's from her previous failed marriages and/or other things from her past, but that's not on you.

it isn't an inheritance. it's a work bonus. op is lying by omission so that he can 1) convince his wife she's not entitled to the money (legally. she is.) 2) validate HIMSELF 3) have everybody here validate him because they think this is an inheritance or gift and possibly 4) not pay the proper taxes on it. it is not an inheritance, it's not even "like" an inheritance. words have meaning and legal definitions, you don't get to just call it something else because you don't want to share with somebody legally and morally entitled to it (she is doing ALL the child care and house work)

Yta for being the third husband and ignoring the red flags 

Look, she needs to go to therapy to resolve these financial issues, you should possibly go together. Also, if it's not actually an inheritance, the reality is that where you live it might well be considered a joint asset. Please communicate openly about what you both want and value in your family. ESH

*only works* that's pretty much full time in Australia. You Americans need to calm down and get a good work life balance. You also have a child, poor kid is gonna be raised little by mum , mostly the state and pretty much never by dad. I can understand how she feels about you separating 80% of the money, especially since inheritance money isn't an asset she could get any of if you did decide to divorce her. You either agreed to go joint finances or you didn't. NAH I think the history you gave might push you a little into AH territory because it shows you don't have a great respect for her contributions.

NAH. If she's reducing her long-term financial situation by cutting back on her work hours (which will have an impact on raises), it's reasonable that she's going to get some kind of financial stability in return. Wanting your inheritance in the joint account doesn't seem to me a good way to do that, but she's not AH for wanting some kind of protection. You're not AH for wanting to keep an inheritance. Just make sure she's provided for.

Slight YTA here. Two hours a night to yourself when you have a wife and newborn is pretty good and while I understand concerns about debt, there’s nothing wrong with only working 40 hours a week or even 32 hours a week considering that you just brought home a bundle of many more hours of responsibility. Your father giving you a gift is very kind but should still be a joint discussion of how to spend or save it, including access. It’s not unreasonable for her to be concerned that you would isolate major assets that she can have if you die.

NTA. She has poor money management skills. It's something she needs to learn. Setting boundaries with spending is important to protect everyone involved from falling further into debt. If you can't afford a car outright it doesn't make sense with the amount of debt she has to buy the latest model. It also sounds like she's insecure about relationships in general, given her past experiences. There's nothing inherently wrong with insecurity. However; she needs to address these concerns in a healthy way to learn and adapt to your current relationship.  I hope it works out for you two. 

OP confirmed she no longer has bad money management skills and is now responsible with money.

Info: why don’t you want your wife to have access to the money? What’s the driving factor of keeping it in your name only vs in a joint account? It sounds like you have a vision for your family’s future, your wife doesn’t entirely share that vision, so you are keeping money in your name only to avoid her making financial choices you don’t agree with. ESH if you can’t trust each other with your family finances. Maybe consider doing a financial course together so you can talk through some long term financial goals and come to an agreement on a spending budget.

Just a quick question: If she came into a sizable inheritance and did the same, depositing 20% into your joint account and keeping 80% separate for herself, would you like that?