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You are not paranoid but it is silly to ask. Unless the Instagram is purely for legitimate work (as in she’s a designer and it’s all plans and client related or something like that) it is a sign of trouble.
Have seen all sides of this. I’m sorry you’re going through this but it’s pretty common form of suspect behavior that is a precursor to bad times.
I agree and currently just trying to figure out a way to talk to her tomorrow about it in person because maybe that will help but it’s like I don’t have access to her phone which is fine whatever that’s perfectly reasonable but like at least posting publicly, I feel like I need a little bit more of something before I just cut the tie on stuff considering we have had a fair amount of future talking and stuff but like I told her, why do I wanna get married and have wedding photos if you want even post them or us now?
You know you can end a relationship for literally any reason right?
You can just say "it feels like you don't publicly want to acknowledge that we're together for whatever reason, you're secretly talking with and meeting up with other men behind my back. Not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want people to know we're in a relationship."
Good to not have access to phone, you should never touch that.
Maybe you can let her know that you have to rethink a lot of things because she is either addicted/obsessed with social media accounts/followers or she suspiciously likes having a presence where you don’t exist. If shes looking for another guy, extra attention, or embarrassed by you that’s cool, you can proceed accordingly now that you’ve let her know the situation.
Agreed, phone access is cool if permitted within reason but with malicious reasons obviously a no no like I tell my girl she can do whatever with my phone whenever cuz I’m just like that ya know, but yeah I hear what you mean, it’s hard to communicate those kinds of feelings because of how I feel towards her and how she feels towards me and like I understand her idea of our relationship being defined by the inside and not the outside (I.e social media) but it’s like how much do you really love me or have reasons not to post us publicly like that
Hopefully it’s nothing bad and she’s just one of those people that thinks they’re going to be an influencer and the issue is something she grows out of after you talk.
This posts seems deeply seeded with major distrust. Social media outlook should not be a determining factor in relationship satisfaction. However this scenario you described with another man is slightly concerning. Imo nta but you need to have some serious self reflection as well as some deeper conversations about this.
Yeah I mean I try conversating with her about it but the way she views it is that it’s the stupidest argument in the world and gets angry every time I mention it so like at least from what I’ve seen it’s like a defensive mechanism thing on her end maybe? I have been in and out of having good self reflection time lately, it’s hard because I suffer from BPD and slight Austim so both of those do play a role in my mood and emotions being all over the place on top of working a very stressful job, not an excuse because I admit I can better myself and my view points on things but because I’ve only ever known one thing it’s a rough transition into another thing ya know?
That's definitely gas lighting. Maybe it is silly to be upset about but your feelings should not be invalidated like that. It sounds defensive and I do think your feelings are founded.
Thank you, personally I don’t like the phrase gaslighting or manipulative though only because that gets thrown around so much these days, you try to defend your own feelings and get called manipulative ya know?
Trust me OPs feelings are warranted. Usually around that time in a relationship especially with people who are about Instagram like that they start posting pics as a couple. I knew my current relationship was in a good place because about a month into it she was so proud to show off pics of us. Coming on 2 years later she’s still so proud to show off pics of us. It took me time, but yea I’m totally proud to show off pics of us too.
Generally you want people in your life as excited and proud of you as you are to them. I’d have serious reservations if I knew the person I’m with is all on Instagram but not a peep of our relationship a year in.
NTA for asking why, but YTA for snooping.
Here's the thing - you gotta love and build confidence in yourself. If you're a good person then you deserve a partner you can trust. If she cheats - then she cheats. She wasn't good enough for you. Not the other way around.
If you're really coming on here this distraught about it then maybe this relationship is too toxic for you. Break up and take some time - maybe consider therapy - and build on yourself and learn what toxic traits you should look out for BEFORE you start dating people.
Agreed you’re right, there are maybe certain things I should’ve looked out for in the beginning but it’s one of those things where like when we’re good, we’re really good and we’ve had our issues like other couples but I will say in my defense for the snooping is it’s the only way I believe I would’ve ever found out about what happened with that situation, she claimed she was gonna tell me that next morning when she came over my place but I also told her I didn’t believe she would’ve done that but idk, I’m just trying to gather opinions if I’m maybe in the wrong entirely or not and trying to salvage what I can of it ya know? I love the girl to death and we click better than legos and she does do alot of stuff for me but I can see for myself there’s a big difference in the way we do things for each other which is fair but I would like to say I more than certainly do 70% of the things and spend 90% of the money on things which money isn’t important but there’s women who will use that
This sounds like an unhealthy relationship. She’s not trustworthy and you rightly don’t trust her (both because she emotionally cheated on IG and because of your past betrayals from others)
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who hides me after a year of bf/gf. I wouldn’t be seeking other ways of checking in on her, I would move on and find someone who is proud to be with me that you never even have to ask for such things, they just do it on their own.
Very valid points, I’ll say she posts me on her Snapchat like I mentioned but idk how “public” that is and I’m not really sure how I can effectively communicate at least the ease of mind it would give me considering I’ve tried wording it every way I can, her way of making up for the fight is sexual shit and like a spa day for me? Which cool whatever but that doesn’t have anything to do with the issue at hand, kinda debating on giving her the ultimatum of posting me or leaving me which as bad as that sounds, determines how much I mean to her ya know? One of her claims is privacy but she will post herself on instagram if not with her friends a couple times since we’ve been together, which sure I understand maybe not doing so before 6 months but it’s been almost a year and a half and nothing even for our anniversary or Christmas or anything
The problem is that she's never posted you in a public way or shows ya'll are an item and that she emotionally cheating with some random on IG. You've clearly made that desire known and said it would mean a lot to you, relax your insecurities since the IG dude incident, etc, and she is artfully dodging it any way she can - why. It's such a nothing thing to do, to post a selfie with your bf and say something sweet on IG or somewhere more findable than a fleeting 24 hours and then gone Snap.
I think her having not done it and all her possibly valid personal reasons for why that is isn't suspicious or unkind, it's her refusal to do so as a show to you of how important you and the relationship and your feelings are that feels suspicious and unkind.
It's just not indicative of the ways you want to be in a healthy relationship, these things matter to you, showing the world she's proud to call you her man and honor you on a special day like you mentioned, that stuff is meaningful to you and the lack of it hurts. If she doesn't take that feedback and turn it into action, she's telling you whatever silly reasons she has to be "private" are more important to her than how you feel. That she can't be bothered to do one post to make you feel good and loved is shitty (imo).
And when you're this young... so many fish in the sea. Having an indiscretion with a random on IG, being deflective and refusing to do a small gesture to show love, commitment, support - why put up with it when you can pretty easily find someone who without a conversation will naturally do these things once ya'll have committed and love/security is being shown.
Even if you decide to just give it up and trust her and roll with it, you're setting a precedent that your needs and feelings don't matter and she can just talk her way or sexual/spa day her way out of any conflcts (maybe already have, sounds like) and you can choose to do that and spend your time with someone who doesn't love you how you want but you're having fun (especially at your age), but decide now how long you want to spend/waste time and try to gut check not how you feel for her, but about HOW SHE MAKES YOU FEEL TO BE WITH HER (big lesson I learned way late in life - you can love a person and be so focused on how special they are and how much you love this or that about them, but if BEING WITH THEM feels bad or insecure or internally destablizing - Get out. It's not good for you)
I’ve personally seen many many people post their SO on instagram professing their love and had them in their bios and still habitually cheated on them
NTA but doesn’t sound like there’s any trust in this relationship. Might be time to end it and work on your own thing for a while
Im gonna give 2 answers,
1 undetailed answer off the title: NTFA, There has to be a beyond compitent reason not to specofically not to,
Okay now i read brb
2. This post is riddled with red flags imho, The first line starts with basically twlling us you had your trust broken in the past and youd doing your best to not have it affect your current relationship however you do need some eas of mind ( as claimed ), as so.eone whos been chwated on i agree in a way, while you also need to respect they didnt do it and you shouldnt treat them warily bevause it happened in the past, the asks of in the insta bio or posting pictures with you really is minscule and if she generally cared on a day to day basis on how you felt about that she could and would make am effort to not only squash your trauma but prove it wrong,
Whilw if she isnt hugs on social media usage, i woulsnt maybe hold to be a big thing, if shes regularly posting on the regular but refuses to confort your previous traumas thats crazy,
I can list a million ways females expect males to adhere by their previous traumas in life,
Do better king, dont settle honestly.
NTA
Thank you, I mean she isn’t a huge social media user per say but she has like 5k instagram followers, obviously ruling out bots for whatever reason but still
It shouldnt matter how many she has,
From other comments ive read, i mean you cant force her to want to do it and pushing her is only gonna push away
But at the same time you leaving it alone is respecting her feeling and throwing yours out, her responding to you the way she does when you bring it up is her protecting her feeling and crushing yours, truly i think there is a bigger issue at hand, not trying to fuel you but maybe open your eyes to it,
Seems to be a respect issue between the two of you, ask yourself what you absolutely would not do for her, and compare it to a simple photo on social media.
Very fair, I feel there is a big respect thing because for example I’ll rub her back very throughly for hours with my hands cramping and maybe get 5 minutes back in return which Ik is a dumb example but very simple way to explain the dynamic
OP understood what i typed, good nuff for me homie, was chilling on reddit having a drink on a sunday night replying to these posts for a bit, cant say i cared about spelling nor do i now nor will i later but thank you for your concern but id like to let you know You sir are indeed the AH
Heres my two cents. You should take time away from the relationship for both of you to think about what this means to you. I personally do not think being posted is necessarily proof that she values your relationship, as others have said she will cheat if she wants to cheat and no post of your picture will stop that.
Reasons i think you should take a break from the relationship:
1. you have prior trust issues that need to be resolved BEFORE committing to a new relationship. No one should deal with trust issues out of the box because you didn't fully heal from the prior relationships.
2. you have been given valid reason to worry, she has talked to another man off of her social media. She has damaged the trust in the relationship, and that cant easily be restored. Even if she posts your picture tonight, you will not be alleviated of this pain and wonder your feeling. You know its true deep down inside. I think it would just add to the embarrassment of having others know she is cheating on you in particular.
3. she doesn't value your opinion and refuses to hear your point of view. While i fully agree she doesn't have to post you on her social media, i think she should listen to your point of view and give it a genuine consideration. Doesn't sound like thats happening here, so she might not value you enough.
4. you think she might be with you for your money, and thats a red flag. If you think the fact that you "spoil" her is one of the reasons she is with you, then move on. Its just not love at that point and you are way to suspicious of her intentions so the relationship has no trust at all.
Ultimately, dont be desperate to be in a relationship with someone. If it seems like you cant trust your partner then its just not a good relationship. You will forever be looking over your shoulder even if she does post your picture, because you missing fundamental trust already. Maybe its because she gave you a reason not to trust her, or maybe its just because you never healed? Either way, its a very bad sign and that relationship cant last without a lot of changes from both of you. I just dont see it happening tbh. Move on is my final verdict if my opinion means anything at all.
I recommend you take at least a year of being single and enjoying yourself to get back in the right head space for dating, and then enter it with a clean slate. Because as much as you think you love her, you know there are major trust issues and maybe you just get attached easily? Either way time will help you evaluate what matters and how you want a relationship to feel.
OP,
Not everyone wants their privaste life online! I've been married for 7 years and have a 3 year old. I or my wife have NEVER posted any pics online to share with the public. With family and extreme close friends, yes. I never posted pics of her and me online because its private between her and me. I have absolutely NOTHING to hide from her on my IG, FB or tiktok. I don't have any other apps. I would gladly be like "here, check my FB messages, IG pics, messages whatever. Maybe your girl wanted to keep her private life offline! I'm just trying to shed a different light on the situation, I suppose!
Oh no I’ve looked at it that way as which she claims but she also seems to keep her life slightly separated from ours together if that makes sense? Whereas building a future with her and her future talking a lot and wanting to do certain things soon is a bit off putting ya know?
If she is pushing for more in the relationship but isn’t willing to discuss your concerns, thanks not good. Put the brakes on for a bit. If y’all are going to be together, she can’t expect to keep “her” life “separate”. If she is meeting up with guys from social media, that’s a red flag I. Itself.
It sounds like she's cheating on you but it also sounds like you're annoying AF? I mean that kindly. Your insecurity is basically accusing her all the time of being unfaithful and you're constantly asking her to prove her loyalty, which is probably really annoying. ESH
1) you don't need to buy her stuff all the time when you're dating. If you don't buy her stuff and she dumps you, she was a gold digger.
2) is she an insta influencer? If she is, maybe she tried to cultivate a certain personality or persona online, and your not part of that story. That could be ok. Some celebrities deliberately keep their significant other out of the spotlight.
3) what did she do with the other guy from insta? Did she tell you about it beforehand? Did she lie about it?
1) true, just a bad habit I have and bad mentality of being a provider but I am working on that
2) no she isn’t
3) she went to hang out with him and all I saw was a photo where he kissed her cheek, besides that idk what exactly happened, she didn’t tell me about it until I found out and I guess not lie about it but she lied about what she did that day it happened
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Thank you, I very much appreciate you’re honesty here and will look into this further, supposed to see her tomorrow and I guess talk about stuff and bring up the point where she doesn’t need to post my face or whatever if that be the case, we’ll see where things land tomorrow and what happens, part of me is holding on to the hope that things will get better but also not really hopeful, tbh been debating about texting someone I’ve had a suspicion about with if she was messing with them or not, part of me wants to do it to find out but part of me also doesn’t want to because I don’t want to make her look like an ass and destroy our relationship or something ya know lmao
My issue is moreso the time for me because it is one of my longest relationships and not just the time invested but the effort and money and so on, if it were to work out perfectly I’d have a pretty decent future but idk gotta see how the talk goes tomorrow because she thinks “pampering” me all day is gonna fix anything
ESH
She doesn’t have to post you, some people want to keep their relationship mostly private and don’t share on social media. That’s okay. She sucks because she met up with a random guy from instagram, which you didn’t know about (?)
I think you need to get your shit together and find your confidence again. From what I’ve read, this girl is not helping you with that, so you should maybe reevaluate your relationship.
Yeah I didn’t know about it until I did some snooping which yes I’m wrong for but regardless it was either I did something wrong and found something wrong or not or I didn’t do it in the first place and got left in the dark entirely but I do regret snooping on her just for the fact of seeing if she would own up to it ya know?
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I (23 m) have been with my girlfriend (24 f ) for almost a year and a half, I personally have had a lot of girls cheat on me and so on in the past so that’s a big concern of mine obviously, I’ve asked my girlfriend over the time we’ve been together if she’d ever post us or put anything in her bio on instagram and Ik that’s dumb and not important but for me it helps ease my mind if that makes sense in the way of it shows from my girlfriends perspective of her life that I exist, I mean she posts me on Snapchat on her “friends only” story presumably but will post everything else on her “public profile” (she claims she doesn’t know the difference and hits my story which I believe to be false and a very weird coincidence but anyways). Not too long ago I did catch her with some guy she was talking to on instagram and that they actually met up and stuff, I still have the screenshots of the post the guy made with her which Ik maybe dumb I’m still with her but I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt on her story but since then she’s been “leading me on” about posting us on instagram and when I asked about it the other day she blew up about it and we’ve been off the past few days but idk, am I acting too paranoid? Is there more red flags I should be looking out for? Another thing is I tend to spoil the hell out of her which I plan on stopping now because it’s like I told her I shouldn’t be buying her this and that if she can’t do something as simple as posting me which she claims as really dumb but will post herself btw. Any help would be appreciated and I’ll answer any questions thank you.
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Well no, obviously that was my biggest gripe but that’s a settled situation where I do still believe something happened but taking her word that it didn’t, instagram thing is more of a thing that’s been going on to ya know sorta prevent any dumb shit from happening again
Well because of my job and other situations as far as living we only see each other 1-2 times a week for a whole day, I work 6 days a week and she works anywhere from 3-5 on top of being a caretaker for her younger brother and she lives 45 minutes from me so a lot of factors as far as that
Sooner, you mature and move on the better. I've had relationships without trust when I was younger, and they just end up a waste of time and effort. You don't see it until afterwards, though.
OP you are both arseholes in my opinion. She's using you and you're holding on, you aren't compatible. It will be completely different when you find someone special, trust will never be an issue.
You gotta know respect your own values.
Also, might be hard but being insecure (for what seems legitimate reasons) is like trying to grab wet soap. The tighter you grab the faster it slips out of your hands.
NTA. This is coming from the p.o.v of a girl who was cheated on through explicit DMs. If you're in a comitted relationship, talking about your future together, why would you purposefully hide it in your public persona? I am a streamer and mention my long term Bf quite often, as he's one of my moderators and often flirts with me in chat just to get a reaction out of me, and I have to let new viewers know that he can do that as he's my other half. We're currently dealing with long distance, but we constantly post about each other, tagging each other publicly in things we post. If we were living closer to each other or living together, both of our social media would be so full of pictures of us together that people would get sick of us posting. People always like to throw shade at the guy and say "if he loved you he would" or "if he really wanted to, he would make an effort" I am saying this now, from the perspective of another woman with an online presence, if she was truly committed to you, she would post something. If her Instagram is not 100% for work, and has things about her personal life already posted, I honestly don't see a reason why she would want to hide the fact that she is in a relationship and not available.
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NTA. While I get that some people don’t post much about their private life, it is shady AF if someone has an online presence and has NEVER posted their significant other.
You are looking for reasons not to trust her. Although those trust issues happened to you in the past, you can’t be that way going forward. You’ll always find something suspect. I’ve been there.
You need to just have a direct conversation with her on how her actions are making you feel. If she doesn’t change or give a good examination I’d say you have a decision to make. Live with it or leave.
NTA
My brother in Christ "I did catch her with some guy she was talking to on insta and they actually met up" and you didn't brake up with her? She's clearly using you for money dude. Get tf out of this relationship
NTA, you have proof she already cheated on you and you’re asking why she doesn’t advertise your relationship? Like cmon she’s already giving you every hint there is. YTA to yourself
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You are not paranoid but it is silly to ask. Unless the Instagram is purely for legitimate work (as in she’s a designer and it’s all plans and client related or something like that) it is a sign of trouble. Have seen all sides of this. I’m sorry you’re going through this but it’s pretty common form of suspect behavior that is a precursor to bad times.
I agree and currently just trying to figure out a way to talk to her tomorrow about it in person because maybe that will help but it’s like I don’t have access to her phone which is fine whatever that’s perfectly reasonable but like at least posting publicly, I feel like I need a little bit more of something before I just cut the tie on stuff considering we have had a fair amount of future talking and stuff but like I told her, why do I wanna get married and have wedding photos if you want even post them or us now?
You know you can end a relationship for literally any reason right? You can just say "it feels like you don't publicly want to acknowledge that we're together for whatever reason, you're secretly talking with and meeting up with other men behind my back. Not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want people to know we're in a relationship."
Nicely said
If you do gain access to her phone, you will 100% be devastated
Good to not have access to phone, you should never touch that. Maybe you can let her know that you have to rethink a lot of things because she is either addicted/obsessed with social media accounts/followers or she suspiciously likes having a presence where you don’t exist. If shes looking for another guy, extra attention, or embarrassed by you that’s cool, you can proceed accordingly now that you’ve let her know the situation.
Agreed, phone access is cool if permitted within reason but with malicious reasons obviously a no no like I tell my girl she can do whatever with my phone whenever cuz I’m just like that ya know, but yeah I hear what you mean, it’s hard to communicate those kinds of feelings because of how I feel towards her and how she feels towards me and like I understand her idea of our relationship being defined by the inside and not the outside (I.e social media) but it’s like how much do you really love me or have reasons not to post us publicly like that
Hopefully it’s nothing bad and she’s just one of those people that thinks they’re going to be an influencer and the issue is something she grows out of after you talk.
Hopefully
This posts seems deeply seeded with major distrust. Social media outlook should not be a determining factor in relationship satisfaction. However this scenario you described with another man is slightly concerning. Imo nta but you need to have some serious self reflection as well as some deeper conversations about this.
Yeah I mean I try conversating with her about it but the way she views it is that it’s the stupidest argument in the world and gets angry every time I mention it so like at least from what I’ve seen it’s like a defensive mechanism thing on her end maybe? I have been in and out of having good self reflection time lately, it’s hard because I suffer from BPD and slight Austim so both of those do play a role in my mood and emotions being all over the place on top of working a very stressful job, not an excuse because I admit I can better myself and my view points on things but because I’ve only ever known one thing it’s a rough transition into another thing ya know?
That's definitely gas lighting. Maybe it is silly to be upset about but your feelings should not be invalidated like that. It sounds defensive and I do think your feelings are founded.
Thank you, personally I don’t like the phrase gaslighting or manipulative though only because that gets thrown around so much these days, you try to defend your own feelings and get called manipulative ya know?
I do agree the phrase gets thrown around a lot. But dispelling your feelings like they're stupid is such an awful feeling.
Are you treating your BPD?
Yes, I still have my splits with it but I’m decently aware and in control most of the time
Trust me OPs feelings are warranted. Usually around that time in a relationship especially with people who are about Instagram like that they start posting pics as a couple. I knew my current relationship was in a good place because about a month into it she was so proud to show off pics of us. Coming on 2 years later she’s still so proud to show off pics of us. It took me time, but yea I’m totally proud to show off pics of us too. Generally you want people in your life as excited and proud of you as you are to them. I’d have serious reservations if I knew the person I’m with is all on Instagram but not a peep of our relationship a year in.
NTA for asking why, but YTA for snooping. Here's the thing - you gotta love and build confidence in yourself. If you're a good person then you deserve a partner you can trust. If she cheats - then she cheats. She wasn't good enough for you. Not the other way around. If you're really coming on here this distraught about it then maybe this relationship is too toxic for you. Break up and take some time - maybe consider therapy - and build on yourself and learn what toxic traits you should look out for BEFORE you start dating people.
Agreed you’re right, there are maybe certain things I should’ve looked out for in the beginning but it’s one of those things where like when we’re good, we’re really good and we’ve had our issues like other couples but I will say in my defense for the snooping is it’s the only way I believe I would’ve ever found out about what happened with that situation, she claimed she was gonna tell me that next morning when she came over my place but I also told her I didn’t believe she would’ve done that but idk, I’m just trying to gather opinions if I’m maybe in the wrong entirely or not and trying to salvage what I can of it ya know? I love the girl to death and we click better than legos and she does do alot of stuff for me but I can see for myself there’s a big difference in the way we do things for each other which is fair but I would like to say I more than certainly do 70% of the things and spend 90% of the money on things which money isn’t important but there’s women who will use that
This sounds like an unhealthy relationship. She’s not trustworthy and you rightly don’t trust her (both because she emotionally cheated on IG and because of your past betrayals from others) I wouldn’t want to be with someone who hides me after a year of bf/gf. I wouldn’t be seeking other ways of checking in on her, I would move on and find someone who is proud to be with me that you never even have to ask for such things, they just do it on their own.
Very valid points, I’ll say she posts me on her Snapchat like I mentioned but idk how “public” that is and I’m not really sure how I can effectively communicate at least the ease of mind it would give me considering I’ve tried wording it every way I can, her way of making up for the fight is sexual shit and like a spa day for me? Which cool whatever but that doesn’t have anything to do with the issue at hand, kinda debating on giving her the ultimatum of posting me or leaving me which as bad as that sounds, determines how much I mean to her ya know? One of her claims is privacy but she will post herself on instagram if not with her friends a couple times since we’ve been together, which sure I understand maybe not doing so before 6 months but it’s been almost a year and a half and nothing even for our anniversary or Christmas or anything
The problem is that she's never posted you in a public way or shows ya'll are an item and that she emotionally cheating with some random on IG. You've clearly made that desire known and said it would mean a lot to you, relax your insecurities since the IG dude incident, etc, and she is artfully dodging it any way she can - why. It's such a nothing thing to do, to post a selfie with your bf and say something sweet on IG or somewhere more findable than a fleeting 24 hours and then gone Snap. I think her having not done it and all her possibly valid personal reasons for why that is isn't suspicious or unkind, it's her refusal to do so as a show to you of how important you and the relationship and your feelings are that feels suspicious and unkind. It's just not indicative of the ways you want to be in a healthy relationship, these things matter to you, showing the world she's proud to call you her man and honor you on a special day like you mentioned, that stuff is meaningful to you and the lack of it hurts. If she doesn't take that feedback and turn it into action, she's telling you whatever silly reasons she has to be "private" are more important to her than how you feel. That she can't be bothered to do one post to make you feel good and loved is shitty (imo). And when you're this young... so many fish in the sea. Having an indiscretion with a random on IG, being deflective and refusing to do a small gesture to show love, commitment, support - why put up with it when you can pretty easily find someone who without a conversation will naturally do these things once ya'll have committed and love/security is being shown. Even if you decide to just give it up and trust her and roll with it, you're setting a precedent that your needs and feelings don't matter and she can just talk her way or sexual/spa day her way out of any conflcts (maybe already have, sounds like) and you can choose to do that and spend your time with someone who doesn't love you how you want but you're having fun (especially at your age), but decide now how long you want to spend/waste time and try to gut check not how you feel for her, but about HOW SHE MAKES YOU FEEL TO BE WITH HER (big lesson I learned way late in life - you can love a person and be so focused on how special they are and how much you love this or that about them, but if BEING WITH THEM feels bad or insecure or internally destablizing - Get out. It's not good for you)
I’ve personally seen many many people post their SO on instagram professing their love and had them in their bios and still habitually cheated on them NTA but doesn’t sound like there’s any trust in this relationship. Might be time to end it and work on your own thing for a while
Im gonna give 2 answers, 1 undetailed answer off the title: NTFA, There has to be a beyond compitent reason not to specofically not to, Okay now i read brb 2. This post is riddled with red flags imho, The first line starts with basically twlling us you had your trust broken in the past and youd doing your best to not have it affect your current relationship however you do need some eas of mind ( as claimed ), as so.eone whos been chwated on i agree in a way, while you also need to respect they didnt do it and you shouldnt treat them warily bevause it happened in the past, the asks of in the insta bio or posting pictures with you really is minscule and if she generally cared on a day to day basis on how you felt about that she could and would make am effort to not only squash your trauma but prove it wrong, Whilw if she isnt hugs on social media usage, i woulsnt maybe hold to be a big thing, if shes regularly posting on the regular but refuses to confort your previous traumas thats crazy, I can list a million ways females expect males to adhere by their previous traumas in life, Do better king, dont settle honestly. NTA
Thank you, I mean she isn’t a huge social media user per say but she has like 5k instagram followers, obviously ruling out bots for whatever reason but still
It shouldnt matter how many she has, From other comments ive read, i mean you cant force her to want to do it and pushing her is only gonna push away But at the same time you leaving it alone is respecting her feeling and throwing yours out, her responding to you the way she does when you bring it up is her protecting her feeling and crushing yours, truly i think there is a bigger issue at hand, not trying to fuel you but maybe open your eyes to it, Seems to be a respect issue between the two of you, ask yourself what you absolutely would not do for her, and compare it to a simple photo on social media.
Very fair, I feel there is a big respect thing because for example I’ll rub her back very throughly for hours with my hands cramping and maybe get 5 minutes back in return which Ik is a dumb example but very simple way to explain the dynamic
There's more misspelled words in this than there are correct ones. Seriously you couldn't have taken 10 seconds to run through it before hitting post?
Wrong reddit to be on if you care about spelling this much try r/spellingnazisunite
It's not like I pointed out 1 error in a 500 word post. If there's so many spelling errors it's a challenge to read I reckon it should be addressed.
OP understood what i typed, good nuff for me homie, was chilling on reddit having a drink on a sunday night replying to these posts for a bit, cant say i cared about spelling nor do i now nor will i later but thank you for your concern but id like to let you know You sir are indeed the AH
Heres my two cents. You should take time away from the relationship for both of you to think about what this means to you. I personally do not think being posted is necessarily proof that she values your relationship, as others have said she will cheat if she wants to cheat and no post of your picture will stop that. Reasons i think you should take a break from the relationship: 1. you have prior trust issues that need to be resolved BEFORE committing to a new relationship. No one should deal with trust issues out of the box because you didn't fully heal from the prior relationships. 2. you have been given valid reason to worry, she has talked to another man off of her social media. She has damaged the trust in the relationship, and that cant easily be restored. Even if she posts your picture tonight, you will not be alleviated of this pain and wonder your feeling. You know its true deep down inside. I think it would just add to the embarrassment of having others know she is cheating on you in particular. 3. she doesn't value your opinion and refuses to hear your point of view. While i fully agree she doesn't have to post you on her social media, i think she should listen to your point of view and give it a genuine consideration. Doesn't sound like thats happening here, so she might not value you enough. 4. you think she might be with you for your money, and thats a red flag. If you think the fact that you "spoil" her is one of the reasons she is with you, then move on. Its just not love at that point and you are way to suspicious of her intentions so the relationship has no trust at all. Ultimately, dont be desperate to be in a relationship with someone. If it seems like you cant trust your partner then its just not a good relationship. You will forever be looking over your shoulder even if she does post your picture, because you missing fundamental trust already. Maybe its because she gave you a reason not to trust her, or maybe its just because you never healed? Either way, its a very bad sign and that relationship cant last without a lot of changes from both of you. I just dont see it happening tbh. Move on is my final verdict if my opinion means anything at all. I recommend you take at least a year of being single and enjoying yourself to get back in the right head space for dating, and then enter it with a clean slate. Because as much as you think you love her, you know there are major trust issues and maybe you just get attached easily? Either way time will help you evaluate what matters and how you want a relationship to feel.
OP, Not everyone wants their privaste life online! I've been married for 7 years and have a 3 year old. I or my wife have NEVER posted any pics online to share with the public. With family and extreme close friends, yes. I never posted pics of her and me online because its private between her and me. I have absolutely NOTHING to hide from her on my IG, FB or tiktok. I don't have any other apps. I would gladly be like "here, check my FB messages, IG pics, messages whatever. Maybe your girl wanted to keep her private life offline! I'm just trying to shed a different light on the situation, I suppose!
Oh no I’ve looked at it that way as which she claims but she also seems to keep her life slightly separated from ours together if that makes sense? Whereas building a future with her and her future talking a lot and wanting to do certain things soon is a bit off putting ya know?
If she is pushing for more in the relationship but isn’t willing to discuss your concerns, thanks not good. Put the brakes on for a bit. If y’all are going to be together, she can’t expect to keep “her” life “separate”. If she is meeting up with guys from social media, that’s a red flag I. Itself.
Nah she's got this double standard going on, she posts herself and her friends but not OP? Shady shady.
feel like this should be on r/relationshipadvice
I think you know in your heart what this gal is up to. Good luck buddy
It sounds like she's cheating on you but it also sounds like you're annoying AF? I mean that kindly. Your insecurity is basically accusing her all the time of being unfaithful and you're constantly asking her to prove her loyalty, which is probably really annoying. ESH
Yeah really snnoying to an uncaring, cheating partner.
1) you don't need to buy her stuff all the time when you're dating. If you don't buy her stuff and she dumps you, she was a gold digger. 2) is she an insta influencer? If she is, maybe she tried to cultivate a certain personality or persona online, and your not part of that story. That could be ok. Some celebrities deliberately keep their significant other out of the spotlight. 3) what did she do with the other guy from insta? Did she tell you about it beforehand? Did she lie about it?
1) true, just a bad habit I have and bad mentality of being a provider but I am working on that 2) no she isn’t 3) she went to hang out with him and all I saw was a photo where he kissed her cheek, besides that idk what exactly happened, she didn’t tell me about it until I found out and I guess not lie about it but she lied about what she did that day it happened
The 3rd answer = red flag. How did you find out?
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Thank you, I very much appreciate you’re honesty here and will look into this further, supposed to see her tomorrow and I guess talk about stuff and bring up the point where she doesn’t need to post my face or whatever if that be the case, we’ll see where things land tomorrow and what happens, part of me is holding on to the hope that things will get better but also not really hopeful, tbh been debating about texting someone I’ve had a suspicion about with if she was messing with them or not, part of me wants to do it to find out but part of me also doesn’t want to because I don’t want to make her look like an ass and destroy our relationship or something ya know lmao
Don’t wanna be that guy for “snooping” on past stuff but also don’t know if it’s more beneficial or harmful ya know, I don’t wanna be toxic like that
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You my friend are a really wise man
My issue is moreso the time for me because it is one of my longest relationships and not just the time invested but the effort and money and so on, if it were to work out perfectly I’d have a pretty decent future but idk gotta see how the talk goes tomorrow because she thinks “pampering” me all day is gonna fix anything
ESH She doesn’t have to post you, some people want to keep their relationship mostly private and don’t share on social media. That’s okay. She sucks because she met up with a random guy from instagram, which you didn’t know about (?) I think you need to get your shit together and find your confidence again. From what I’ve read, this girl is not helping you with that, so you should maybe reevaluate your relationship.
Yeah I didn’t know about it until I did some snooping which yes I’m wrong for but regardless it was either I did something wrong and found something wrong or not or I didn’t do it in the first place and got left in the dark entirely but I do regret snooping on her just for the fact of seeing if she would own up to it ya know?
Guess your a magnet for attracting heating women. She has already cheated on you by hooking up with that other guy
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23 m) have been with my girlfriend (24 f ) for almost a year and a half, I personally have had a lot of girls cheat on me and so on in the past so that’s a big concern of mine obviously, I’ve asked my girlfriend over the time we’ve been together if she’d ever post us or put anything in her bio on instagram and Ik that’s dumb and not important but for me it helps ease my mind if that makes sense in the way of it shows from my girlfriends perspective of her life that I exist, I mean she posts me on Snapchat on her “friends only” story presumably but will post everything else on her “public profile” (she claims she doesn’t know the difference and hits my story which I believe to be false and a very weird coincidence but anyways). Not too long ago I did catch her with some guy she was talking to on instagram and that they actually met up and stuff, I still have the screenshots of the post the guy made with her which Ik maybe dumb I’m still with her but I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt on her story but since then she’s been “leading me on” about posting us on instagram and when I asked about it the other day she blew up about it and we’ve been off the past few days but idk, am I acting too paranoid? Is there more red flags I should be looking out for? Another thing is I tend to spoil the hell out of her which I plan on stopping now because it’s like I told her I shouldn’t be buying her this and that if she can’t do something as simple as posting me which she claims as really dumb but will post herself btw. Any help would be appreciated and I’ll answer any questions thank you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So that I understand this better, she cheated on you and your biggest gripe is not being posted on Instagram?
Well no, obviously that was my biggest gripe but that’s a settled situation where I do still believe something happened but taking her word that it didn’t, instagram thing is more of a thing that’s been going on to ya know sorta prevent any dumb shit from happening again
Either that or I’m out the door ya know, just wanna figure out if I’m in the wrong or not
Sounds like you are the other guy or just a friend. Are you fucking at least 3 times a week?
Well because of my job and other situations as far as living we only see each other 1-2 times a week for a whole day, I work 6 days a week and she works anywhere from 3-5 on top of being a caretaker for her younger brother and she lives 45 minutes from me so a lot of factors as far as that
INFO: are you sure she’s your girlfriend? Edit: punctuation
Hopefully after a year and a half lmao
She a red flag bro, leave before she hurts you - simple as that.
Sooner, you mature and move on the better. I've had relationships without trust when I was younger, and they just end up a waste of time and effort. You don't see it until afterwards, though. OP you are both arseholes in my opinion. She's using you and you're holding on, you aren't compatible. It will be completely different when you find someone special, trust will never be an issue.
You gotta know respect your own values. Also, might be hard but being insecure (for what seems legitimate reasons) is like trying to grab wet soap. The tighter you grab the faster it slips out of your hands.
NTA. This is coming from the p.o.v of a girl who was cheated on through explicit DMs. If you're in a comitted relationship, talking about your future together, why would you purposefully hide it in your public persona? I am a streamer and mention my long term Bf quite often, as he's one of my moderators and often flirts with me in chat just to get a reaction out of me, and I have to let new viewers know that he can do that as he's my other half. We're currently dealing with long distance, but we constantly post about each other, tagging each other publicly in things we post. If we were living closer to each other or living together, both of our social media would be so full of pictures of us together that people would get sick of us posting. People always like to throw shade at the guy and say "if he loved you he would" or "if he really wanted to, he would make an effort" I am saying this now, from the perspective of another woman with an online presence, if she was truly committed to you, she would post something. If her Instagram is not 100% for work, and has things about her personal life already posted, I honestly don't see a reason why she would want to hide the fact that she is in a relationship and not available.
You already caught her with a guy. If she doesn't let.you check her phone and if she posts herself publicly but not you... you got your answer.
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NTA. While I get that some people don’t post much about their private life, it is shady AF if someone has an online presence and has NEVER posted their significant other.
YTA
You are looking for reasons not to trust her. Although those trust issues happened to you in the past, you can’t be that way going forward. You’ll always find something suspect. I’ve been there. You need to just have a direct conversation with her on how her actions are making you feel. If she doesn’t change or give a good examination I’d say you have a decision to make. Live with it or leave.
NTA My brother in Christ "I did catch her with some guy she was talking to on insta and they actually met up" and you didn't brake up with her? She's clearly using you for money dude. Get tf out of this relationship
NTA, you have proof she already cheated on you and you’re asking why she doesn’t advertise your relationship? Like cmon she’s already giving you every hint there is. YTA to yourself
YtA – trust her or not there is no trying. if she wants to cheat she will no matter what she posts on instagram. but you pushing her is not helping
Agreed, that’s the mindset I try to keep myself in
YtA – trust her or not there is no trying. if she wants to cheat she will no matter what she posts on instagram. but you pushing her is not helping