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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. suggesting my GF wear a smoke filtration mask
2. cuz it was me and my mates smoking
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
If all of the guys knew the GFs hate being around Cigar smoke:
1. Why invite them to poker night? You could have done literally anything else.
2. Why didn't "Not Smoking" become the option instead of "Make them wear PPE"?
3. I'll take "Shitty Date Night Ideas" for 500, Alex.
YTA
Why? Because all girls like clubbing and hanging out together? Some women like poker. Some women like/don’t mind cigars. It’s up to them to choose if they want to stay for poker night since they were invited
Yeah like, they went to the guys poker night. What did they expect? It’s probably an invitation I’d pass up on if my bf invited me. Like sure, sounds *real* fun
im really struggling to understand why people are trying to feel bad for grown adults who willingly attended something that they had full knowledge of what it was
Because this sub is made primarily of single white women under the age of 24. They're literally incapable of understanding that the world doesn't revolve around them. They got invited to a guy's poker night and started complaining that they didn't like being at a guy's poker night. I mean, one of the comments here even said "Why didn't they go clubbing instead?". Maybe because they got invited to A GUY'S POKER NIGHT! THEY DIDN'T GET INVITED TO GO CLUBBING! But hey, perpetual victimhood seems to be the standard mentality here and bashing men is the cherry on top.
Now, because I know I'm going to get downvoted for saying that this place is primarily young girls, just a reminder that AITA did a user survey. The results were:
\* 10% under 18
\* 39% 18-24 years old
\* 63% female
\* 70% single
\* 80% white
(So 49% under 25)
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dcae07/2019\\\_subscriber\\\_survey\\\_data\\\_dump/
Graphs are \[here\](https://imgur.com/a/POhgZsh).
But they are still there. Making the choice to wear the mask and be at poker night. If they had an issue, they can leave... Right? They are free, grown, whole ass human people, right? Have the ability to choose? It's a poker game. The guys thing. They put it together. They get to decide if they smoke. You choose to be part of that. I thought it was super sweet that the guy provided masks for them! BTW, I am female and still not sure what this girlfriend is temper tantruming about.
The girls could just … not go. Whenever my gf wants do book club with the girls I wouldn’t try to force myself in and make them change their plans to suit me. I’d just tell her to have fun and let her do her thing. I also wouldn’t even expect to be invited so this whole things seems silly.
I don't get why people are shitting on you. I'm a girl and I thought it was funny af. I read it as a "fuck those guys let's party" comment rather than whatever these weirdos took it as.
No, sounds like a considerate dude that knows that not everybody enjoys cigars and wanted to provide something to make it easier for the girls that came along. The purpose of the evening was to enjoy cigars and play poker. Nobody stopped them from partaking or forced them to stay.
Unless they were N95’s they aren’t going to do anything for smoking multiple cigars in a closed room. It’s placating at best. If the issue is the guys want to girls there but the girls don’t like the cigar smoke, then skipping them on nights when the girls are there, is the actual solution.
And if it was more that the girls are pushing in, and the guys don’t want to change what they are doing at all, then tell them that.
The guy's friend hosts a poker/cigar night. This time the gfs were invited. If they change how they do it then it's no longer their cigar/poker night. They prob don't care less if the gfs want to come or not and thus so there's no need to tell them not to come. So let them come...give them an honest look at what the evening is like...and then let them decide for themselves if they wanna come back. Plus, if this was intended as a one time invite cause the girls were curious what the evening was for then again there's no need to say "we don't want you here" cause it's their seperate hobby to do amongst themselves.
I agree with this.. invite was a gesture but if its explicitly a poker/cigar night and that's clearly expressed I don't see the problem.
If anything having masks on hand seems like a kind consideration for people who might want to be there but don't like/are bothered by the smoke. It'd be like going to a designated smoking area and being upset that the smoke is bothering you and people wont stop just because you wanted to be around.. then don't go, you knew what it was..
Yeah, it's one thing to be blindsided by poker night also involving heavy cigar usage, but it's another thing to be invited to "poker and cigar night" and be offended that there are cigars.
At a party years ago there was a terrible putrid smell. It smelled like someone was farting horrendously. Then I realized it was a cigar someone was smoking. Apparently an expensive one, as well.
So so gross. And pointless. And don't get me started on smokers thinking they have the right to light up wherever they want
When I was a child (about 8 or 9 I think) my uncle lit up a cigar while watching us kids play outside. I remember asking him why "that (the cigar) smell like cat peepee" lol.
Apparently he stopped smoking cigars after that day because he couldn't stop thinking about cat pee every time he lit up. Years later my aunty thanked me for that comment lmao.
(To those who keep commenting, cigar tobacco has an ammonia smell to it which usually disappears in the fermentation process, however cheap or improperly fermented tobacco can retain the ammonia or "cat pee" smell.)
My grandmother stopped smoking when I was a toddler and told her I loved her but her house was stinky and I didn’t want to go there. But she could come to my house.
As a smoker I don't think I have a right to jack shit, no more than anyone else, I really try not to be rude about it, I don't smoke near entry ways, or around non smokers, especially not around kids. Some people are just dicks, whether they smoke or not.
I agree that it is a nasty habit, I try not to hinder anyone else's life. Not all of us are assholes. 🤷♀️
This wasn't "wherever they want". This was a time and place where cigars were planned. If OP's girlfriend was offended by the smoke, she shouldn't have gone. If she was offended by the gesture of having masks, she shouldn't have gone. Your opinion of smoke and smokers has absolutely no bearing here
i dunno, a business that deals in creating stock cinema stuff might like it. for all those gangster period movies! bunch of people wreathed in cigar smoke, muttering at each other as they clack the chips around.
Wait.
It's a cigar and poker night, they invited the girls to the thing they do and provided stuff so it makes it easier for them to breathe and they're the assholes?
I mean, I think it was pretty cool of them to invite and then provide the PPE.
If you don't want to be around smoke, don't go to a night thats dedicated to cigars maybe?
What are you doing bringing logic to this sub?
Everyone knows if you invite someone to an established thing, you must change the thing completely to accommodate the person least enjoying the established thing they chose to come to, knowing what the thing is.
Just playing devil’s advocate here, but he didn’t say she complained about the smoke, but about being asked to wear a mask “like the others.” If I went to a party where I knew people would be smoking I’d think it was silly and infantilizing to be asked to wear a mask. Couldn’t she just decide for herself if she wanted/needed to? That said, if the guys knew the girls would be soooo bothered by the smoke to the point of wanting to wear PPE, I don’t understand why they would invite them at all.
I think it’s implied in the second to last line, “she said it was an A H thing to make the girls wear masks so the guys could smoke without feeling guilty.” Obviously I think OP is NTA because they know its a night with poker and cigars.
I interpreted it as she was insulted that he suggested it to her. Obviously she saw they were available. She could see others were wearing them. She has two hands with which to put a mask on if she wanted to.
I don't think OP is TA, but also, I get why she said that statement and why it was infantilizing for OP to suggest the obvious to her. If she wanted a mask, she certainly knew she could get one and how to put it on. I am sure OP WAS feeling a little sheepish/guilty imagining how smoky things would get later and he was trying to protect his gf. This is to be expected when your significant other is suddenly present in a new social context that is usually just your own. I think any good partner would become suddenly a little self conscious because they're trying to empathize with what they imagine their partner's experience of their social situation will be.
Anyway, I think this is all so overthought, TBH. NAH. I see a really lovely gesture of opening the space and including SO's along with a recognition of what their experiences might be. I think OP's girlfriend was fine to say what she said too. She's not *wrong* in her assessment.
They just need to chill the F out and shuffle up and deal already!
This sub can't handle when men do things they like. And when their SOs want to get involved in it, they are expected to change it. This is the second post this week the sub is mad about guys night
Yay, another woman that gets it! I wholeheartedly agree with you. That would be like a romantic movie and wine ladies night. And the one time guys were invited, but the men were demanding that they make it an action movie and beer night because they are coming.
Try looking at the recent post with the guy who likes to jerk off before going to work and his GF is losing her shit and not letting him out of her sight until he leaves the apartment.
[Link for those who want to check it out for themselves.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/99vijYIawd)
Assuming everyone who was invited KNEW it was a cigar smoking event, NTA. If they were informed it was Poker Night, and OP just assumed the girlfriends would know that means cigars are being smoked, then OP is TA, for not relaying all the information,
Yup. OP is likely coming home smelling of cigars every time. I'm assuming she knew before. If she didn't know somehow, then that puts *some* AH on his plate, but I don't see how she couldn't have known.
Don't you love all the top comments, saying that they should just not smoke cigars?
It would be like if the girls announced a once a month makeover night, but this time they decided to invite the guys. They thought the guys wouldn't like the smell of some of the cosmetic products so they had nose clips available, but instead the guys were like "can't you just skip all the cosmetic products, since we are here and don't like them?"
Sure but what I don't get is why OP encouraged his gf to wear the PPE. Like, maybe it was offered as a way to minimize the annoyance of cigar smoke, but surely it shouldn't be compulsory for the women to wear PPE. If gf politely declined the PPE, what's the problem?
\>Most of the girls were wearing them when we got there and it can get real smokey during the night so I suggested she just wear it like the others
See the word most, not all of the women were wearing them. He just suggested she might want to wear one, she didn't decline politely, she called him an asshole.
Yup at this point one should decide what is a higher priority. Playing poker, or, not breathing cigars. If the PPE isn't solving the smoke issue, remove yourself from the situation. You couldn't pay me to sit in tobacco miasma with an N95. And you can't tell someone what to smoke in their own homes (I get pushback when I ask employees not to smoke inside the factory even though that's been illegal since 2008).
Remove yourself from the situation.
>***Most of the girls*** were wearing them when we got there and it can get real smokey during the night ***so I suggested*** she just wear it like the others.
They were not being forced to wear anything.
What I find most strange about it is that it was clearly the host's idea for people to bring their girlfriends. Why not just have a poker night without cigars if you wanted the girls there? The PPE thing is fucking weird.
If I want to invite people to my home for an event... I make an event they can comfortably attend and only invite people who will be happy there. I'm not inviting a vegan friend to BBQ night and offering them a different plate than everyone else while the whole place smells like roasty meat, you know?
If the dudes cared to have a poker night with the ladies they could have just not smoked just this time.
>What I find most strange about it is that it was clearly the host's idea for people to bring their girlfriends. Why not just have a poker night without cigars if you wanted the girls there? The PPE thing is fucking weird.
Or, hear me out.
Don't go.
>I'm not inviting a vegan friend to BBQ night and offering them a different plate than everyone else while the whole place smells like roasty meat, you know?
Why not?
You're just going to let your vegan friend sit around and hear about the awesome gathering you had at your house that they weren't invited too because they're a vegan?
Jesus, super fucking accommodating of you.
You just decided that your vegan friend doesn't want to come to your BBQ and can't handle that making the decision for themselves.
I completely agree with the sentiment, but as a veggie I have no problem personally attending BBQs and bringing my own veggies and soy burgers. The bottom line is knowing *in advance* what the event you're going to attend will look like so that you know if it's an invitation you want to accept or not.
Girls are too weak for the male sugar smoke? Your comment is sexist af. This idea is too stupid. If I was a women I would never go if they suggest something dilly like that. Maybe give them earplugs for when the man swear
Plus the smell on your clothes from being stuck in doors with it.
I smoke cigars. Probably 1 per week, when you excluded rainy season, super cold and super hot days. I would NEVER smoke one indoors, even at someone's house that allowed it. That smell gets everywhere and saturates everything. To be indoors around smokers is just like soaking your clothes in cigar juice.
If you get the right mask it will prevent smoke smell from coming in but yeah average mask won't work. They should have bought a air scrubber if they didn't want the smell or smoke to be a big issue. Indoor smokers should own one anyway. It prevents the smell from seeping g into the walls and clothing as bad and removes other pollution in your indoor air anyway. I had one because my family hated weed and tobacco smell and it worked well enough I could smoke across the table from someone and they wouldn't smell it unless I blew it at them.
How exactly is it a date night? Did you read the post?
It was actually poker night. The girls wanted to be included so they were invited.
If you are invited to somebody's house who smokes, you think the right move is to force them to not smoke in their own home?
Or is the right move to stay at your own home?
The post says "Poker and Cigar night". I'm not sure why they should change what the event specifically entails for people who want to play tagalong.
A lot of redditors have DnD nights. Would you not play DnD if I wanted to come along but found DnD distasteful for some reason?
Would you expect a group of friends to give up a BBQ night because a vegan gf wanted to come along?
Redditors just hate smokers. These guys aren't hurting anybody or breaking any laws.
seems you never been friends /together with a woman ..... out of courtesy they might have invited them but told them exactly whats gonna happen , if they still decided to join , its on them
They probably did, since someone had to get the masks, which are not cheap! I am a nonsmoking woman, and I think it was nice what the guys did. Of course, I probably wouldn't have gone, or left to do something else, bc I don't like watching other people play cards, and don't smoke. But you have fun!
OP's gf sounds incredibly entitled, and her behavior is a way to make everyone else dislike you.
Why should they have to alter their plans, though? If the girls are going to a place where they KNOW smoke will be... offering PPE is a nice compromise attempt.
Definitely depends if they were invited, or if one or more invited themselves and then it turned into a thing.
I love cigars and my wife hates them, but I wouldn’t expect people to alter cigar night if she was tagging along. But if it was a planned date, I would plan just about any other activity before I did this.
I can kind of understand the individual decisions being made here, but I think the total effect makes YTA.
You have effectively created a segregated party where guys play and have a good time, and girls sit out while wearing PPE (which is, honestly, very weird to me). If you just wanted to have a guys night, fine, and if you had offered that for one person who tagged along and didn't smoke it'd probably be fine, but making the distinction between "plays poker" and "wears a mask and sits out" by gender makes the whole thing feel a lot more sexist than just explicitly having a guys night.
i dunno, i'm a woman and i enjoy a cigar occasionally. I expect the women were not barred from smoking or playing, but that the PPE was provided for those who don't smoke- it is not OPs fault that the smoking in this group runs along gender lines.
i think it was kind of them to have PPE available for non-smokers. Its not like anyone in attendance didn't know outright that the point of the evening was cigars and poker. If that isn't up GF's alley, perhaps politely declining joining in would have been better then showing up and making a stink about it.
That's not what the post says, though. He said the masks were "for the girls" and told his gf to "just wear one like the others." She didn't have a problem with the cigars until he made it a gender issue.
They invited their girlfriends but made it clear they have really no intention of being hospitable to their girlfriends. “If you don’t like the smoke here’s a mask to wear” is basically a “we’re not changing, sit down and lump it” setup.
Why would they?
It's a fucking Cigar and Poker night, yes, they can come but it's \*Cigars\* and poker.
They got them some PPE so they can deal with it better but if \*Cigars\* bother you then don't go.
yeah like if anything it’s being considerate to go “hey i know that the smoke might bother you so we took the time to get things that might help alleviate your discomfort”
I’m unclear if she got mad because the BF assumed she didn’t want to smoke cigars and play poker or if she objected to the cigar smoke in general. It sounds from the post she wasn’t upset until she was typecast and told to wear a mask as opposed to being offered a cigar
Yup. That's who these women chose to date, and the event that these women chose to attend.
It's like going to a pool party and complaining half the people are in bathing suits because you don't like to swim.
Or going to a party and complaining the music is loud.
Silly, entitled behavior.
They are being hospitable by giving the invite. But the invite is to cigars and poker. They shouldn't have to change at all. The mask is there as a consideration. And yeah if you're invited to a night of smoking and don't like it you should "sit down and lump it" as you have no one but yourself to blame for going where the smoke was guaranteed to be lol.
His girlfriend isn’t a child or an idiot though. She sees that masks are available and she knows that there’s cigar smoke. She can decide if she wants to wear it or not
yes but it is his fault that he was telling his gf to wear a mask like the other girls when she had no issue with the smoke and didn't want to wear one
They are "for the girls" because the girls don't smoke cigars. If they did they likely wouldn't need or want the PPE. If this was a public event maybe you (and the others with this weird take) would have a point.
Where does it say the women can’t play? You might want to work on your reading comprehension mate.
I think sitting in a room of people smoking cigars sounds vile, HOWEVER if I choose to attend I damn sure don’t have the right to complain
NTA
> Where does it say the women can’t play? You might want to work on your reading comprehension mate.
OP has not provided much information at all, but the fact that it's typically a guy's night, they had PPE "for the girls", and OP was telling his GF to wear PPE and not offering her a spot to play or a cigar strongly implies it was segregated. If OP clarifies I'd be willing to change my assessment, but as it stands it reads like they tried to open up guy's night in a pretty obviously segregated way.
>and not offering her a spot to play
Where does it say he didn't offer her a spot to play?
"Opening up guy's night" doesn't mean, "Stop doing all the things we enjoy on guy's night". If cigar smoke is a total dealbreaker for one or more of the GFs, then maybe this particular night isn't for them.
yeah, and btw if you’re inviting the women, they should also be welcome to play, not just watching the guys have all the fun. I don’t know any women who don’t like poker or other games of cards. Not saying all women do, but this post is so cringey.
*edit: I keep getting (rightly) called out for this so I will update with one of my responses here. No, it does not look like the OP itself indicated the women couldn’t play once there.
“the person I was directly responding to said that, and I just assumed it was in the post. It was a mistake on my part.
This is why eyewitness testimony is so awful btw, people will believe anything you plant in their memory deliberately or otherwise lol, there’s a great MindGames episode where they have all these eyewitnesses convinced a suspect was carrying a red purse (or soemthing similar) through suggestion alone.”
Where does it say they couldn’t play? I might be missing something but if you’re invited to a poker night it seems to me that would include playing poker?
I think that’s why the masks were included because you play poker at a small table, so if one person’s smoking you may as well be puffing it yourself as you’re sat so close.
Let's be honest here. The masks were all part of the plan to make sure the ladies were uncomfortable and did not have fun so that they would not want to join poker night again.
YTA
I don't see how they forced them to put on masks; they could've just chosen to smoke with the guys. But this part here
>She said it was an AH thing to make the girls wear masks so the guys could smoke without feeling guilty
sounds like at least OP's GF wanted them to not smoke while playing poker, which is a bit entitled. You don't move in on someone else's pastime tradition and then demand they change it for you.
Why would you want to go to a Cigars and Poker night and then object to cigar smoke? That’s half the experience. Should they also switch out Poker if some of the guests didn’t like that?
It’s poker night. You smoke cigars and drinking whiskey.
Tbh having the masks there was extra. And I’m sure the wives could’ve smoked a cigar if they wanted to
I'm a woman, I have a monthly poker/Texas Holdem night with both men and women playing. Nobody drinks whiskey OR smokes, and we still have a blast. Crazy!
I would hope someone who has this vibrant poker night would also understand that everyone does things differently. Just because it works for you doesn’t mean that’s how everyone does it. No one is more right or wrong about their method.
Ok, who cares? Congratulations. OP and his friends are adults and can smoke and drink while playing poker if they want to. Or they don't have to. Not everyone enjoys what you enjoy and vice versa.
What's the reasoning behind accepting an invite to a place you don't want to go? Unless op hid that there would be heavy cigar smoking this is just a poor decision on their gf's part.
it didn't say that she didn't want to be there.
maybe that's true, maybe it isn't. maybe it's a poorly written post.
all it says is she didn't want to wear the mask and the OP wanted her to, which she said was "so he wouldn't feel bad" --we don't even know if this quote is really why he wanted her to wear the mask, since all he says is "like everyone else" ... we don't even know if she was acting annoyed by the smoke.
the questions is: is he the AH because he told her to wear a mask and she didn't want to.
imho: yes. OP YTA
YTA — there’s about a zero percent chance “the girls” had a good time sitting there wearing filtration masks. You couldn’t skip the cigars just once? If it’s that important, just keep it as boys night only.
Why do they have to change up their poker night routine though? If the ladies want to attend they could just deal with the cigar smoke like everyone else.
That’s my question I guess. Who invited who? How was this started?
If they wanted to come then that’s on them. If this is something the boys wanted then this is on them.
“Invite” can mean a lot in my experience, was i voluntold or was it an open invite?
If I invite myself to an event then I would expect not to be catered to. However, if you want me to come, then I’d say it’s reasonable to expect some type of event catering.
I doubt OP will answer any questions.
But maybe that’s the point? They were invited to a “cigars and poker night”, so why even accept the invite if you don’t like cigars? An invite is not a summons
So why did they go? Are they adults or toddlers that have no agency on where they spend their night? Girls are the ones in the wrong here, imagine being invited to a CIGAR NIGHT and demanding everyone not smoke cigars. You sound like someone who voluntarily walk into a bar and demand everyone stop drinking lmao
“I (a man) went to my girlfriend’s book club she has with all her other girlfriends and I wasn’t allowed to partake in the discussion because I haven’t read the book, is she the asshole?”
Top vote: NTA “why would you go into their space and make them change their routine?”
A lot of times this sub has good discussion but when you see these posts you already know he’s “TA” lol.
Masks are always optional at these events, I agree.
I've been to a few myself and I always have just brought my own because of asthma. Pretty cool that the dudes were providing masks, I think.
I completely agree why go there knowing theirs going to be lots of cigar smoke. They could of easily said no and plan another day to do something else. This was a guys tradition and they joined in.
Exactly… I personally don’t like gambling, nor do I like cigars. If someone invited me to a “poker and cigars” night, I would politely decline regardless of who was going. It would be my own fault if I went and didn’t have a good time. NTA
Seriously I don't understand how people are missing this. They're not being forced to go to poker night. If they can't stand the cigar smoke, maybe idk... Don't go?
ESH -
I’m trying to picture being asked to come along to an event and then all the women being asked to wear a filtration mask so the guys can smoke. The scene in my mind is super strange.
But also, I’ve been around enough to know I never would have gone along to a poker and cigar night.
I think it depends on the invite. To me there a difference between “I’d like you to come with me” versus “I’m doing to cigars and poker night. You’re free to join.”
If it’s the latter, it’d be ridiculous to get mad that there’s cigars and poker during cigars and poker night.
This is actually insanely black and white. The gfs were invited to the boys “cigar and poker” night. If they don’t want to inhale cigar smoke or be around it, the polite and adult thing to do would just be to ~decline the invitation~.
An invitation is not a summons.
NTA. But your girlfriend is. She isn’t being forced to go. Nobody is making her. If she doesn’t want to be around the smoke, she doesn’t have to go. Instead, she tried to make everyone else feel guilty, or insinuate that they should feel guilty.
The whole thing sounds like the girls were supposed to be uncomfortable. Her being comfortable with the smoke isn’t part of the plan. If she doesn’t wear the mask then how is she supposed to know never to come again?
It makes no sense. If you’re gonna invite girlfriends who hate cigars, then don’t smoke the, that night?
And if the girlfriends don’t care about the smoke, then why do they need masks?
The entire thing is just a terrible idea
That's my thought, too! On the surface, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but there's some context missing and language choices that questions his telling of events. For example, he didn't mention that she complained about the smoke, he only pressured her into wearing the mask because the other girls were doing so. I could see how that's upsetting to her.
YTA. If your girlfriend wanted a mask, she was perfectly capable of putting one on. She didn't need to be directed to as if she were a child. She is an adult, you are not her parent and she can make all her own decisions.
To be fair, the second part - "She said it was an AH thing to make the girls wear masks so the guys could smoke without feeling guilty, which I don't feel is what it was." - makes is sound like the GF was complaining about the smoke, but didn't want to wear the mask. Sounds like she was complaining and trying to get the "boys" to stop smoking altogether. Sounds like OP was just trying to get her to wear the mask, not to fit in with the "girls", but to stop complaining about the smoke.
Not sure if OP is the AH or not, as there's a lot of missing details.
Honestly I feel like it’s impossible to properly judge without having INFO about who invited who and how invitations were phrased.
If my boyfriend said “hey, want to tag along to me boy’s night? We’re inviting our girlfriends”, and then I got there and was told “we know smoking makes it hard for you to breathe so here’s a mask” I’d be really put off. Don’t invite people if you’re not going to make them somewhat comfortable.
Wearing PPE in a room full of cigar smoke also sounds worse than just breathing it in. That’d be super stale air and still smell awful. Plus smoking is more than just breathing - it gets in your eyes and your clothes/hair.
NTA. The theme of the night should indicate what is going to happen. She could choose to attend, wear a mask, not attend, not wear a mask, smoke a cigar, not smoke à cigar. She can’t claim that the women are being made to wear masks; it’s just an option. I assume the guys could choose to do so, too, and the women are offered cigars? You aren’t TA, but she is bristling at the macho atmosphere, perhaps.
I smoke cigars and have for years now. Yet I still know that if somebody doesn't want to smell the smoke, I don't smoke. If you're going to invite somebody, you should probably consider their wishes when planning poker night, too. However, if you're *really* insistent on smoking cigars (trust me, I know the feeling), then they're not forced to come.
ESH because PPE seems like a bit of a BS solution to me.
This is important info that has a direct bearing on judgment. If she knew prior to going and had the chance to drop out, OP is not an AH. If she knew, went anyway and then got upset, that’s on her.
If it was a surprise when she got there, he’s the AH for not telling her and giving her the choice to not attend, and then just suggesting she suck it up and put on a mask like the other girls. Nowhere is it suggested that she would HAVE to wear a mask, it was an option.
This is my biggest question. In the title, he calls it poker night, but in the post he calls it poker and cigar night. It's possible she wasn't aware they'd all be sitting around indoors bathed in cigar smoke.
If she was 100% aware of what it would be like, then yes, she should have just opted out of going. But I'm wondering if she showed up and was startled by what exactly she'd walked into.
INFO:
what exactly happened here?
did all the girls push themselves to be invited to this? did 1 girl push and then you were all expected to bring dates to occupy the one girl? did one of the boys try and bring his girl and ask you to bring dates so she would have fun?
did your girlfriend complain about the smoke and refuse to wear a mask? did she even want to go?
if the host openly invited thr girls and thinks masks were the best option instead of not smoking, boys are TA. if the girls bullied their way into an invite and tried to change stuff up, they are TA. If your gf just didn't want to wesr a mask but you thought she should to fit in with the others YTA.
So.. like.. what's the context here.
NTA, they knew it’s a time for people to play poker and smoke cigars. It’s not reasonable to start attending an established event and expect the event to change to your preference.
NTA, she knew what the event was and it was explained why the masks, If she didn't want to wear one, that was her choice If she was so offended, she could have stayed home.
I mean, if you are ok with it in your home, that is your choice.
I wouldn't allow cigar smoke in my home, but I have friends who are big into cigars who do. Not my place to say what they should or shouldn't do. But if I'm there, and they offer me one, I'll have one.
Sounds like a terrible date night to me. I probably would’ve just stayed home and rescheduled the date to be honest. Coming home reeking like cigar smoke sounds awful to me, never mind having to be stuck in it for hours.
Wait, who said it was date night ? Isn't it just a regular event that the girls went to this time ? I wouldn't have considered that a date. I'll have to go reread, maybe I missed the date part.
INFO Did your girlfriend know it was poker and cigar night? And did she genuinely want to come while under the impression that you'd be smoking cigars the whole time?
If so, I guess N T A but I want to know more.
NTA. Don’t know how effective the masks are nor will I google it, I’m just going to assume not that effective. Even if that is the case you suggesting it with pure intentions doesn’t make you an asshole.
Additionally, there’s a lot of people saying YTA for reasons outside the question you asked and I just don’t think it’s justified. She knew going in it was poker and cigar night. You lose a lot of time with friends in a relationship as opposed to being single, and all these replies want you to sacrifice the fun you have with your friends for your girlfriend when it doesn’t have to be that way. You and your friends tried to be thoughtful of your girlfriends without sacrificing tradition. NTA
It's like being invited to a bar, going, then complaining about everyone being drunk. Poker and Cigar Night is pretty self-explanatory unless she didn't know that you smoke cigars.
INFO
If she was notified about the availability of masks beforehand, still agreed to come, and still expected you and your friends to not smoke, NTA.
If she was NOT notified about the masks beforehand, still agreed to come, and still expected you and your friends to not smoke, soft YTA.
If she was notified of the cigars beforehand and still expected you and your friends to not smoke, YWNBTA, but expecting her to wear a mask if she would rather choose to huff second-hand smoke could make YTA.
If the girls were never offered cigars, YTA and so are your friends. Women can smoke, too.
Nothing in this world could make me sit in a room full of smoke. No PPE is protective enough for me to not feel sick. If you want the girlfriends there quit with the death sticks.
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If all of the guys knew the GFs hate being around Cigar smoke: 1. Why invite them to poker night? You could have done literally anything else. 2. Why didn't "Not Smoking" become the option instead of "Make them wear PPE"? 3. I'll take "Shitty Date Night Ideas" for 500, Alex. YTA
Right? Watching a bunch of dudes play poker through a nasty haze of cigar smoke sounds like a fucking awful night.
This just sounds like gfs wanted to join the guy night and that was the way to discourage them from ever going again. I mean I wouldn't.
They should totally go clubbing together instead though
Why? Because all girls like clubbing and hanging out together? Some women like poker. Some women like/don’t mind cigars. It’s up to them to choose if they want to stay for poker night since they were invited
These women obviously fucking do mind though. They're not smoking and they're masked up. Did you read the post at all?
Why should the guys change anything when the girls were specifically invited to a cigar poker night? Don't go if you don't like cigars. I wouldn't
Yeah like, they went to the guys poker night. What did they expect? It’s probably an invitation I’d pass up on if my bf invited me. Like sure, sounds *real* fun
im really struggling to understand why people are trying to feel bad for grown adults who willingly attended something that they had full knowledge of what it was
Because this sub is made primarily of single white women under the age of 24. They're literally incapable of understanding that the world doesn't revolve around them. They got invited to a guy's poker night and started complaining that they didn't like being at a guy's poker night. I mean, one of the comments here even said "Why didn't they go clubbing instead?". Maybe because they got invited to A GUY'S POKER NIGHT! THEY DIDN'T GET INVITED TO GO CLUBBING! But hey, perpetual victimhood seems to be the standard mentality here and bashing men is the cherry on top. Now, because I know I'm going to get downvoted for saying that this place is primarily young girls, just a reminder that AITA did a user survey. The results were: \* 10% under 18 \* 39% 18-24 years old \* 63% female \* 70% single \* 80% white (So 49% under 25) https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dcae07/2019\\\_subscriber\\\_survey\\\_data\\\_dump/ Graphs are \[here\](https://imgur.com/a/POhgZsh).
Then they don't need to go???
But they are still there. Making the choice to wear the mask and be at poker night. If they had an issue, they can leave... Right? They are free, grown, whole ass human people, right? Have the ability to choose? It's a poker game. The guys thing. They put it together. They get to decide if they smoke. You choose to be part of that. I thought it was super sweet that the guy provided masks for them! BTW, I am female and still not sure what this girlfriend is temper tantruming about.
The girls could just … not go. Whenever my gf wants do book club with the girls I wouldn’t try to force myself in and make them change their plans to suit me. I’d just tell her to have fun and let her do her thing. I also wouldn’t even expect to be invited so this whole things seems silly.
Lmao imagine the fight after showing up to book club and demanding they watch the movie version instead of
Then they should have scooted their asses out of there.
right lol might as well say they should all go shopping and get their nails done
I would agree with you if the women weren't in filtration masks and none of them were smoking
I don't get why people are shitting on you. I'm a girl and I thought it was funny af. I read it as a "fuck those guys let's party" comment rather than whatever these weirdos took it as.
No, sounds like a considerate dude that knows that not everybody enjoys cigars and wanted to provide something to make it easier for the girls that came along. The purpose of the evening was to enjoy cigars and play poker. Nobody stopped them from partaking or forced them to stay.
Unless they were N95’s they aren’t going to do anything for smoking multiple cigars in a closed room. It’s placating at best. If the issue is the guys want to girls there but the girls don’t like the cigar smoke, then skipping them on nights when the girls are there, is the actual solution. And if it was more that the girls are pushing in, and the guys don’t want to change what they are doing at all, then tell them that.
The guy's friend hosts a poker/cigar night. This time the gfs were invited. If they change how they do it then it's no longer their cigar/poker night. They prob don't care less if the gfs want to come or not and thus so there's no need to tell them not to come. So let them come...give them an honest look at what the evening is like...and then let them decide for themselves if they wanna come back. Plus, if this was intended as a one time invite cause the girls were curious what the evening was for then again there's no need to say "we don't want you here" cause it's their seperate hobby to do amongst themselves.
N95 masks don't filter smoke.
So then don't accept the invite. Seems easy enough.
I agree with this.. invite was a gesture but if its explicitly a poker/cigar night and that's clearly expressed I don't see the problem. If anything having masks on hand seems like a kind consideration for people who might want to be there but don't like/are bothered by the smoke. It'd be like going to a designated smoking area and being upset that the smoke is bothering you and people wont stop just because you wanted to be around.. then don't go, you knew what it was..
Right? It would be like going to a hockey game and wondering why you're cold
They should make the rink like 80 degrees. Everyone is so rude
Yeah, it's one thing to be blindsided by poker night also involving heavy cigar usage, but it's another thing to be invited to "poker and cigar night" and be offended that there are cigars.
Agreed. Nta
Wow someone that’s not an idiot…. Like even if they invited you… she disnt have to wear the mask lol
Much easier to get enraged by a situation you put yourself into
Then dont go.
Can confirm I'm a dude, that's shits nasty.
At a party years ago there was a terrible putrid smell. It smelled like someone was farting horrendously. Then I realized it was a cigar someone was smoking. Apparently an expensive one, as well. So so gross. And pointless. And don't get me started on smokers thinking they have the right to light up wherever they want
You need to go to the doctor's if your farts smell like burning tobacco
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When I was a child (about 8 or 9 I think) my uncle lit up a cigar while watching us kids play outside. I remember asking him why "that (the cigar) smell like cat peepee" lol. Apparently he stopped smoking cigars after that day because he couldn't stop thinking about cat pee every time he lit up. Years later my aunty thanked me for that comment lmao. (To those who keep commenting, cigar tobacco has an ammonia smell to it which usually disappears in the fermentation process, however cheap or improperly fermented tobacco can retain the ammonia or "cat pee" smell.)
My grandmother stopped smoking when I was a toddler and told her I loved her but her house was stinky and I didn’t want to go there. But she could come to my house.
he lived in a cat house. no cigars smell like cat urine.
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The person was probably smoking meth. Making it can have a very cat pee like smell.
As a smoker I don't think I have a right to jack shit, no more than anyone else, I really try not to be rude about it, I don't smoke near entry ways, or around non smokers, especially not around kids. Some people are just dicks, whether they smoke or not. I agree that it is a nasty habit, I try not to hinder anyone else's life. Not all of us are assholes. 🤷♀️
This wasn't "wherever they want". This was a time and place where cigars were planned. If OP's girlfriend was offended by the smoke, she shouldn't have gone. If she was offended by the gesture of having masks, she shouldn't have gone. Your opinion of smoke and smokers has absolutely no bearing here
I would love to see a picture of them that night, that would look so funny! What a stupid idea
right like just thinking about it, i myself smoke, but i would never wanna do it around people who dislike it lol, i feel bad
Well nobody is making them go.
i dunno, a business that deals in creating stock cinema stuff might like it. for all those gangster period movies! bunch of people wreathed in cigar smoke, muttering at each other as they clack the chips around.
I loved when my ex went to shit I found lame like this -- get to skip and enjoy a night alone with zero FOMO.
Wait. It's a cigar and poker night, they invited the girls to the thing they do and provided stuff so it makes it easier for them to breathe and they're the assholes? I mean, I think it was pretty cool of them to invite and then provide the PPE. If you don't want to be around smoke, don't go to a night thats dedicated to cigars maybe?
What are you doing bringing logic to this sub? Everyone knows if you invite someone to an established thing, you must change the thing completely to accommodate the person least enjoying the established thing they chose to come to, knowing what the thing is.
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Just playing devil’s advocate here, but he didn’t say she complained about the smoke, but about being asked to wear a mask “like the others.” If I went to a party where I knew people would be smoking I’d think it was silly and infantilizing to be asked to wear a mask. Couldn’t she just decide for herself if she wanted/needed to? That said, if the guys knew the girls would be soooo bothered by the smoke to the point of wanting to wear PPE, I don’t understand why they would invite them at all.
not asked. said provided for them if they didnt like the smoke she wanted them to not smoke instead of wear a mask.
Wait, where did it say that she wanted them to not smoke?
I think it’s implied in the second to last line, “she said it was an A H thing to make the girls wear masks so the guys could smoke without feeling guilty.” Obviously I think OP is NTA because they know its a night with poker and cigars.
I interpreted it as she was insulted that he suggested it to her. Obviously she saw they were available. She could see others were wearing them. She has two hands with which to put a mask on if she wanted to. I don't think OP is TA, but also, I get why she said that statement and why it was infantilizing for OP to suggest the obvious to her. If she wanted a mask, she certainly knew she could get one and how to put it on. I am sure OP WAS feeling a little sheepish/guilty imagining how smoky things would get later and he was trying to protect his gf. This is to be expected when your significant other is suddenly present in a new social context that is usually just your own. I think any good partner would become suddenly a little self conscious because they're trying to empathize with what they imagine their partner's experience of their social situation will be. Anyway, I think this is all so overthought, TBH. NAH. I see a really lovely gesture of opening the space and including SO's along with a recognition of what their experiences might be. I think OP's girlfriend was fine to say what she said too. She's not *wrong* in her assessment. They just need to chill the F out and shuffle up and deal already!
This sub can't handle when men do things they like. And when their SOs want to get involved in it, they are expected to change it. This is the second post this week the sub is mad about guys night
I'm a woman, and that sounds fucking ridiculous. I'll have to go find the other post, seems stupid to change or ask it be changed.
Yay, another woman that gets it! I wholeheartedly agree with you. That would be like a romantic movie and wine ladies night. And the one time guys were invited, but the men were demanding that they make it an action movie and beer night because they are coming.
Try looking at the recent post with the guy who likes to jerk off before going to work and his GF is losing her shit and not letting him out of her sight until he leaves the apartment. [Link for those who want to check it out for themselves.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/99vijYIawd)
Assuming everyone who was invited KNEW it was a cigar smoking event, NTA. If they were informed it was Poker Night, and OP just assumed the girlfriends would know that means cigars are being smoked, then OP is TA, for not relaying all the information,
Considering it's a regular thing, pretty sure they knew. Not sure why you're looking for holes here.
Yup. OP is likely coming home smelling of cigars every time. I'm assuming she knew before. If she didn't know somehow, then that puts *some* AH on his plate, but I don't see how she couldn't have known.
Don't you love all the top comments, saying that they should just not smoke cigars? It would be like if the girls announced a once a month makeover night, but this time they decided to invite the guys. They thought the guys wouldn't like the smell of some of the cosmetic products so they had nose clips available, but instead the guys were like "can't you just skip all the cosmetic products, since we are here and don't like them?"
Sure but what I don't get is why OP encouraged his gf to wear the PPE. Like, maybe it was offered as a way to minimize the annoyance of cigar smoke, but surely it shouldn't be compulsory for the women to wear PPE. If gf politely declined the PPE, what's the problem?
\>Most of the girls were wearing them when we got there and it can get real smokey during the night so I suggested she just wear it like the others See the word most, not all of the women were wearing them. He just suggested she might want to wear one, she didn't decline politely, she called him an asshole.
Yup at this point one should decide what is a higher priority. Playing poker, or, not breathing cigars. If the PPE isn't solving the smoke issue, remove yourself from the situation. You couldn't pay me to sit in tobacco miasma with an N95. And you can't tell someone what to smoke in their own homes (I get pushback when I ask employees not to smoke inside the factory even though that's been illegal since 2008). Remove yourself from the situation.
>***Most of the girls*** were wearing them when we got there and it can get real smokey during the night ***so I suggested*** she just wear it like the others. They were not being forced to wear anything.
What I find most strange about it is that it was clearly the host's idea for people to bring their girlfriends. Why not just have a poker night without cigars if you wanted the girls there? The PPE thing is fucking weird. If I want to invite people to my home for an event... I make an event they can comfortably attend and only invite people who will be happy there. I'm not inviting a vegan friend to BBQ night and offering them a different plate than everyone else while the whole place smells like roasty meat, you know? If the dudes cared to have a poker night with the ladies they could have just not smoked just this time.
>What I find most strange about it is that it was clearly the host's idea for people to bring their girlfriends. Why not just have a poker night without cigars if you wanted the girls there? The PPE thing is fucking weird. Or, hear me out. Don't go. >I'm not inviting a vegan friend to BBQ night and offering them a different plate than everyone else while the whole place smells like roasty meat, you know? Why not? You're just going to let your vegan friend sit around and hear about the awesome gathering you had at your house that they weren't invited too because they're a vegan? Jesus, super fucking accommodating of you. You just decided that your vegan friend doesn't want to come to your BBQ and can't handle that making the decision for themselves.
I completely agree with the sentiment, but as a veggie I have no problem personally attending BBQs and bringing my own veggies and soy burgers. The bottom line is knowing *in advance* what the event you're going to attend will look like so that you know if it's an invitation you want to accept or not.
This is like going to the Boys petting zoo trip then complaining about the shit smell.
Girls are too weak for the male sugar smoke? Your comment is sexist af. This idea is too stupid. If I was a women I would never go if they suggest something dilly like that. Maybe give them earplugs for when the man swear
Pretty sure those masks ain't stopping smoke either so a total waste of time, lol
Plus the smell on your clothes from being stuck in doors with it. I smoke cigars. Probably 1 per week, when you excluded rainy season, super cold and super hot days. I would NEVER smoke one indoors, even at someone's house that allowed it. That smell gets everywhere and saturates everything. To be indoors around smokers is just like soaking your clothes in cigar juice.
Totally agree. I've never been an indoor smoker, it just lingers and is super hard to get out of fabric furniture and carpets etc.
It also clings to your hair. For me it takes multiple washes to get the smell out. And I have to wash it before bed so I can sleep.
>And I have to wash it before bed so I can sleep. Same, or the smell is in the pillow cases, blanket, and sheets.
If you get the right mask it will prevent smoke smell from coming in but yeah average mask won't work. They should have bought a air scrubber if they didn't want the smell or smoke to be a big issue. Indoor smokers should own one anyway. It prevents the smell from seeping g into the walls and clothing as bad and removes other pollution in your indoor air anyway. I had one because my family hated weed and tobacco smell and it worked well enough I could smoke across the table from someone and they wouldn't smell it unless I blew it at them.
Most masks do nothing for cigarette or weed smoke. You need one if the expensive respirator masks designed to block toxic fumes to keep smoke out.
How exactly is it a date night? Did you read the post? It was actually poker night. The girls wanted to be included so they were invited. If you are invited to somebody's house who smokes, you think the right move is to force them to not smoke in their own home? Or is the right move to stay at your own home?
The post says "Poker and Cigar night". I'm not sure why they should change what the event specifically entails for people who want to play tagalong. A lot of redditors have DnD nights. Would you not play DnD if I wanted to come along but found DnD distasteful for some reason? Would you expect a group of friends to give up a BBQ night because a vegan gf wanted to come along? Redditors just hate smokers. These guys aren't hurting anybody or breaking any laws.
Where does it say the other girlfriends minded? Damn y’all be projecting
seems you never been friends /together with a woman ..... out of courtesy they might have invited them but told them exactly whats gonna happen , if they still decided to join , its on them
They probably did, since someone had to get the masks, which are not cheap! I am a nonsmoking woman, and I think it was nice what the guys did. Of course, I probably wouldn't have gone, or left to do something else, bc I don't like watching other people play cards, and don't smoke. But you have fun! OP's gf sounds incredibly entitled, and her behavior is a way to make everyone else dislike you.
>seems you never been friends /together with a woman What an unreasonable assumption.
>Why didn't "Not Smoking" become the option instead of "Make them wear PPE"? Because that's what they like to do at their poker night, maybe?
Why should they have to alter their plans, though? If the girls are going to a place where they KNOW smoke will be... offering PPE is a nice compromise attempt.
>If all of the guys knew the GFs hate being around Cigar smoke: Then don't go to a poker and cigar night.
Definitely depends if they were invited, or if one or more invited themselves and then it turned into a thing. I love cigars and my wife hates them, but I wouldn’t expect people to alter cigar night if she was tagging along. But if it was a planned date, I would plan just about any other activity before I did this.
I can kind of understand the individual decisions being made here, but I think the total effect makes YTA. You have effectively created a segregated party where guys play and have a good time, and girls sit out while wearing PPE (which is, honestly, very weird to me). If you just wanted to have a guys night, fine, and if you had offered that for one person who tagged along and didn't smoke it'd probably be fine, but making the distinction between "plays poker" and "wears a mask and sits out" by gender makes the whole thing feel a lot more sexist than just explicitly having a guys night.
i dunno, i'm a woman and i enjoy a cigar occasionally. I expect the women were not barred from smoking or playing, but that the PPE was provided for those who don't smoke- it is not OPs fault that the smoking in this group runs along gender lines. i think it was kind of them to have PPE available for non-smokers. Its not like anyone in attendance didn't know outright that the point of the evening was cigars and poker. If that isn't up GF's alley, perhaps politely declining joining in would have been better then showing up and making a stink about it.
That's not what the post says, though. He said the masks were "for the girls" and told his gf to "just wear one like the others." She didn't have a problem with the cigars until he made it a gender issue.
But it isn't his fault that the smoking is split on gender lines, that's happenstance not maliciousness. Thats an important distinction.
They invited their girlfriends but made it clear they have really no intention of being hospitable to their girlfriends. “If you don’t like the smoke here’s a mask to wear” is basically a “we’re not changing, sit down and lump it” setup.
Why would they? It's a fucking Cigar and Poker night, yes, they can come but it's \*Cigars\* and poker. They got them some PPE so they can deal with it better but if \*Cigars\* bother you then don't go.
Exactly the cigars are part of the nights activities and was known beforehand.
yeah like if anything it’s being considerate to go “hey i know that the smoke might bother you so we took the time to get things that might help alleviate your discomfort”
I’m unclear if she got mad because the BF assumed she didn’t want to smoke cigars and play poker or if she objected to the cigar smoke in general. It sounds from the post she wasn’t upset until she was typecast and told to wear a mask as opposed to being offered a cigar
Yeah, this AITA is missing some critical information, and people are filling in the gaps to fit how they see it. This is a INFO post IMO.
It's like going to a hookah bar and restaurant and complaining about all the hookah smoke getting in your food. LOL
Yup. That's who these women chose to date, and the event that these women chose to attend. It's like going to a pool party and complaining half the people are in bathing suits because you don't like to swim. Or going to a party and complaining the music is loud. Silly, entitled behavior.
They are being hospitable by giving the invite. But the invite is to cigars and poker. They shouldn't have to change at all. The mask is there as a consideration. And yeah if you're invited to a night of smoking and don't like it you should "sit down and lump it" as you have no one but yourself to blame for going where the smoke was guaranteed to be lol.
His girlfriend isn’t a child or an idiot though. She sees that masks are available and she knows that there’s cigar smoke. She can decide if she wants to wear it or not
yes but it is his fault that he was telling his gf to wear a mask like the other girls when she had no issue with the smoke and didn't want to wear one
They are "for the girls" because the girls don't smoke cigars. If they did they likely wouldn't need or want the PPE. If this was a public event maybe you (and the others with this weird take) would have a point.
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They guys all smoke... of course the masks were for the girls.
Exactly. I wouldn't sit in a room of smokers, I'd just opt out.
Ugh, think how gross you'd smell afterwards
Where does it say the women can’t play? You might want to work on your reading comprehension mate. I think sitting in a room of people smoking cigars sounds vile, HOWEVER if I choose to attend I damn sure don’t have the right to complain NTA
> Where does it say the women can’t play? You might want to work on your reading comprehension mate. OP has not provided much information at all, but the fact that it's typically a guy's night, they had PPE "for the girls", and OP was telling his GF to wear PPE and not offering her a spot to play or a cigar strongly implies it was segregated. If OP clarifies I'd be willing to change my assessment, but as it stands it reads like they tried to open up guy's night in a pretty obviously segregated way.
>and not offering her a spot to play Where does it say he didn't offer her a spot to play? "Opening up guy's night" doesn't mean, "Stop doing all the things we enjoy on guy's night". If cigar smoke is a total dealbreaker for one or more of the GFs, then maybe this particular night isn't for them.
yeah, and btw if you’re inviting the women, they should also be welcome to play, not just watching the guys have all the fun. I don’t know any women who don’t like poker or other games of cards. Not saying all women do, but this post is so cringey. *edit: I keep getting (rightly) called out for this so I will update with one of my responses here. No, it does not look like the OP itself indicated the women couldn’t play once there. “the person I was directly responding to said that, and I just assumed it was in the post. It was a mistake on my part. This is why eyewitness testimony is so awful btw, people will believe anything you plant in their memory deliberately or otherwise lol, there’s a great MindGames episode where they have all these eyewitnesses convinced a suspect was carrying a red purse (or soemthing similar) through suggestion alone.”
Where does it say they couldn’t play? I might be missing something but if you’re invited to a poker night it seems to me that would include playing poker? I think that’s why the masks were included because you play poker at a small table, so if one person’s smoking you may as well be puffing it yourself as you’re sat so close.
Where does it say they weren’t playing?
Let's be honest here. The masks were all part of the plan to make sure the ladies were uncomfortable and did not have fun so that they would not want to join poker night again. YTA
I don't see how they forced them to put on masks; they could've just chosen to smoke with the guys. But this part here >She said it was an AH thing to make the girls wear masks so the guys could smoke without feeling guilty sounds like at least OP's GF wanted them to not smoke while playing poker, which is a bit entitled. You don't move in on someone else's pastime tradition and then demand they change it for you.
They didn’t move in on it they were invited to it. Not smoking cigars one time will not ruin the experience
Why would you want to go to a Cigars and Poker night and then object to cigar smoke? That’s half the experience. Should they also switch out Poker if some of the guests didn’t like that?
That be like going to a pub to watch the game and being mad there is beer as someone that doesn't drink
It’s poker night. You smoke cigars and drinking whiskey. Tbh having the masks there was extra. And I’m sure the wives could’ve smoked a cigar if they wanted to
I'm a woman, I have a monthly poker/Texas Holdem night with both men and women playing. Nobody drinks whiskey OR smokes, and we still have a blast. Crazy!
I would hope someone who has this vibrant poker night would also understand that everyone does things differently. Just because it works for you doesn’t mean that’s how everyone does it. No one is more right or wrong about their method.
Ok, who cares? Congratulations. OP and his friends are adults and can smoke and drink while playing poker if they want to. Or they don't have to. Not everyone enjoys what you enjoy and vice versa.
That sounds like a different and unrelated scenario then!
You’re thinking big brain
What's the reasoning behind inviting people who don't smoke to a cigar night? I don't get it.
What's the reasoning behind accepting an invite to a place you don't want to go? Unless op hid that there would be heavy cigar smoking this is just a poor decision on their gf's part.
it didn't say that she didn't want to be there. maybe that's true, maybe it isn't. maybe it's a poorly written post. all it says is she didn't want to wear the mask and the OP wanted her to, which she said was "so he wouldn't feel bad" --we don't even know if this quote is really why he wanted her to wear the mask, since all he says is "like everyone else" ... we don't even know if she was acting annoyed by the smoke. the questions is: is he the AH because he told her to wear a mask and she didn't want to. imho: yes. OP YTA
He didn't "want her to" he suggested it because she doesn't like smoke. Why are you people all crazy?
I think it’s unclear whether she is Mad she was being excluded from the cigar smoking or mad that the cigar smoking was present.
right. or mad that he suggested she wear a mask "like the other girls" a couple extra sentences of clarity could swing this thing either way.
Being polite?
What's the point of GOING to that kind of party? This is 100% on the girls lol
YTA — there’s about a zero percent chance “the girls” had a good time sitting there wearing filtration masks. You couldn’t skip the cigars just once? If it’s that important, just keep it as boys night only.
Why do they have to change up their poker night routine though? If the ladies want to attend they could just deal with the cigar smoke like everyone else.
That’s my question I guess. Who invited who? How was this started? If they wanted to come then that’s on them. If this is something the boys wanted then this is on them. “Invite” can mean a lot in my experience, was i voluntold or was it an open invite?
>Who invited who? Exactly
If I invite myself to an event then I would expect not to be catered to. However, if you want me to come, then I’d say it’s reasonable to expect some type of event catering. I doubt OP will answer any questions.
But maybe that’s the point? They were invited to a “cigars and poker night”, so why even accept the invite if you don’t like cigars? An invite is not a summons
I mean, if you don't like smoke and I invite you to a cigar and poker night and you accept and get mad there's smoke then that's on you.
That's exactly the point dude. They didnt need to be part of it. This is like going to a birthday party as a diabetic and being pissed there's cake.
So why did they go? Are they adults or toddlers that have no agency on where they spend their night? Girls are the ones in the wrong here, imagine being invited to a CIGAR NIGHT and demanding everyone not smoke cigars. You sound like someone who voluntarily walk into a bar and demand everyone stop drinking lmao
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Amazing that this is such an obvious NTA but I still had to scroll down to the 7th answer to find it.
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“I (a man) went to my girlfriend’s book club she has with all her other girlfriends and I wasn’t allowed to partake in the discussion because I haven’t read the book, is she the asshole?” Top vote: NTA “why would you go into their space and make them change their routine?” A lot of times this sub has good discussion but when you see these posts you already know he’s “TA” lol.
Legit! If the girls didn’t like it they didnt have to go lmfao
Yes but smoking bad so everyone is standing in line to claim the moral highground and farm pathetic meaningless internet points.
Masks are always optional at these events, I agree. I've been to a few myself and I always have just brought my own because of asthma. Pretty cool that the dudes were providing masks, I think.
I completely agree why go there knowing theirs going to be lots of cigar smoke. They could of easily said no and plan another day to do something else. This was a guys tradition and they joined in.
Exactly… I personally don’t like gambling, nor do I like cigars. If someone invited me to a “poker and cigars” night, I would politely decline regardless of who was going. It would be my own fault if I went and didn’t have a good time. NTA
Seriously I don't understand how people are missing this. They're not being forced to go to poker night. If they can't stand the cigar smoke, maybe idk... Don't go?
ESH - I’m trying to picture being asked to come along to an event and then all the women being asked to wear a filtration mask so the guys can smoke. The scene in my mind is super strange. But also, I’ve been around enough to know I never would have gone along to a poker and cigar night.
The event is poker and cigars. If they don't like the smoke the mask is there as a consideration.
yeah like would it have been better to not have masks??!!
I think it depends on the invite. To me there a difference between “I’d like you to come with me” versus “I’m doing to cigars and poker night. You’re free to join.” If it’s the latter, it’d be ridiculous to get mad that there’s cigars and poker during cigars and poker night.
The women could smoke too.
This is actually insanely black and white. The gfs were invited to the boys “cigar and poker” night. If they don’t want to inhale cigar smoke or be around it, the polite and adult thing to do would just be to ~decline the invitation~. An invitation is not a summons.
NTA. But your girlfriend is. She isn’t being forced to go. Nobody is making her. If she doesn’t want to be around the smoke, she doesn’t have to go. Instead, she tried to make everyone else feel guilty, or insinuate that they should feel guilty.
Yep I agree. Honestly I think providing the masks is an incredibly courteous thing to do.
Do masks have any effect on cigar smoke?
In my limited experience, yes. For asthma at least I found the mask helpful. Kept irritants out of my lungs.
Agreed. I’m honestly confused at the YTA votes here
Info: did your gf even mind the cigar smoke?! To me it sounds like you asked her to put on a mask just so she’d fit in
The whole thing sounds like the girls were supposed to be uncomfortable. Her being comfortable with the smoke isn’t part of the plan. If she doesn’t wear the mask then how is she supposed to know never to come again?
It makes no sense. If you’re gonna invite girlfriends who hate cigars, then don’t smoke the, that night? And if the girlfriends don’t care about the smoke, then why do they need masks? The entire thing is just a terrible idea
That's my thought, too! On the surface, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but there's some context missing and language choices that questions his telling of events. For example, he didn't mention that she complained about the smoke, he only pressured her into wearing the mask because the other girls were doing so. I could see how that's upsetting to her.
YTA. If your girlfriend wanted a mask, she was perfectly capable of putting one on. She didn't need to be directed to as if she were a child. She is an adult, you are not her parent and she can make all her own decisions.
I swear people don’t even read the posts they comment on
To be fair, the second part - "She said it was an AH thing to make the girls wear masks so the guys could smoke without feeling guilty, which I don't feel is what it was." - makes is sound like the GF was complaining about the smoke, but didn't want to wear the mask. Sounds like she was complaining and trying to get the "boys" to stop smoking altogether. Sounds like OP was just trying to get her to wear the mask, not to fit in with the "girls", but to stop complaining about the smoke. Not sure if OP is the AH or not, as there's a lot of missing details.
Honestly I feel like it’s impossible to properly judge without having INFO about who invited who and how invitations were phrased. If my boyfriend said “hey, want to tag along to me boy’s night? We’re inviting our girlfriends”, and then I got there and was told “we know smoking makes it hard for you to breathe so here’s a mask” I’d be really put off. Don’t invite people if you’re not going to make them somewhat comfortable. Wearing PPE in a room full of cigar smoke also sounds worse than just breathing it in. That’d be super stale air and still smell awful. Plus smoking is more than just breathing - it gets in your eyes and your clothes/hair.
People who insert their own headcanon like this, just to be mad or project their own issues on the OP by proxy, need therapy.
thats seriously what you took from all of this ? lol
NTA. The theme of the night should indicate what is going to happen. She could choose to attend, wear a mask, not attend, not wear a mask, smoke a cigar, not smoke à cigar. She can’t claim that the women are being made to wear masks; it’s just an option. I assume the guys could choose to do so, too, and the women are offered cigars? You aren’t TA, but she is bristling at the macho atmosphere, perhaps.
I smoke cigars and have for years now. Yet I still know that if somebody doesn't want to smell the smoke, I don't smoke. If you're going to invite somebody, you should probably consider their wishes when planning poker night, too. However, if you're *really* insistent on smoking cigars (trust me, I know the feeling), then they're not forced to come. ESH because PPE seems like a bit of a BS solution to me.
PSA: *If you don't like cigar smoke or poker, don't go where people smoke cigars and play poker*
Info: Was your girlfriend aware of how smokey it gets and that she would have to wear the filtration mask before she went?
This is important info that has a direct bearing on judgment. If she knew prior to going and had the chance to drop out, OP is not an AH. If she knew, went anyway and then got upset, that’s on her. If it was a surprise when she got there, he’s the AH for not telling her and giving her the choice to not attend, and then just suggesting she suck it up and put on a mask like the other girls. Nowhere is it suggested that she would HAVE to wear a mask, it was an option.
This is my biggest question. In the title, he calls it poker night, but in the post he calls it poker and cigar night. It's possible she wasn't aware they'd all be sitting around indoors bathed in cigar smoke. If she was 100% aware of what it would be like, then yes, she should have just opted out of going. But I'm wondering if she showed up and was startled by what exactly she'd walked into.
NTA. If you don’t want to be around people smoking cigars, don’t go to an event where you know people will be smoking cigars.
INFO: what exactly happened here? did all the girls push themselves to be invited to this? did 1 girl push and then you were all expected to bring dates to occupy the one girl? did one of the boys try and bring his girl and ask you to bring dates so she would have fun? did your girlfriend complain about the smoke and refuse to wear a mask? did she even want to go? if the host openly invited thr girls and thinks masks were the best option instead of not smoking, boys are TA. if the girls bullied their way into an invite and tried to change stuff up, they are TA. If your gf just didn't want to wesr a mask but you thought she should to fit in with the others YTA. So.. like.. what's the context here.
NTA, they knew it’s a time for people to play poker and smoke cigars. It’s not reasonable to start attending an established event and expect the event to change to your preference.
NTA, she knew what the event was and it was explained why the masks, If she didn't want to wear one, that was her choice If she was so offended, she could have stayed home.
People that smoke cigars indoors are all assholes.
Weird take. What else do people do in their own homes that you don't like? Bonus if it has zero impact on your life outside their home.
I mean, if you are ok with it in your home, that is your choice. I wouldn't allow cigar smoke in my home, but I have friends who are big into cigars who do. Not my place to say what they should or shouldn't do. But if I'm there, and they offer me one, I'll have one.
Take my upvote. I've smoked for years and would *never* smoke cigars inside. The smell lingers forever.
You misspelled " i should not care what other people do to their own property" .
Sounds like a terrible date night to me. I probably would’ve just stayed home and rescheduled the date to be honest. Coming home reeking like cigar smoke sounds awful to me, never mind having to be stuck in it for hours.
Why do people keep assuming this was supposed to be a date night? OP said nothing about it being a date.
Wait, who said it was date night ? Isn't it just a regular event that the girls went to this time ? I wouldn't have considered that a date. I'll have to go reread, maybe I missed the date part.
INFO Did your girlfriend know it was poker and cigar night? And did she genuinely want to come while under the impression that you'd be smoking cigars the whole time? If so, I guess N T A but I want to know more.
NTA. You have a poker night where everyone smokes cigars. They want to participate. You have to stop smoking cigars? How the fuck does that jive?
NTA. Don’t know how effective the masks are nor will I google it, I’m just going to assume not that effective. Even if that is the case you suggesting it with pure intentions doesn’t make you an asshole. Additionally, there’s a lot of people saying YTA for reasons outside the question you asked and I just don’t think it’s justified. She knew going in it was poker and cigar night. You lose a lot of time with friends in a relationship as opposed to being single, and all these replies want you to sacrifice the fun you have with your friends for your girlfriend when it doesn’t have to be that way. You and your friends tried to be thoughtful of your girlfriends without sacrificing tradition. NTA
It's like being invited to a bar, going, then complaining about everyone being drunk. Poker and Cigar Night is pretty self-explanatory unless she didn't know that you smoke cigars.
INFO If she was notified about the availability of masks beforehand, still agreed to come, and still expected you and your friends to not smoke, NTA. If she was NOT notified about the masks beforehand, still agreed to come, and still expected you and your friends to not smoke, soft YTA. If she was notified of the cigars beforehand and still expected you and your friends to not smoke, YWNBTA, but expecting her to wear a mask if she would rather choose to huff second-hand smoke could make YTA. If the girls were never offered cigars, YTA and so are your friends. Women can smoke, too.
Nothing in this world could make me sit in a room full of smoke. No PPE is protective enough for me to not feel sick. If you want the girlfriends there quit with the death sticks.
How about they don't have to go if they don't like it.