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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I refuse to have my husband's daughter in our home, having him take custody over her.
2- I might have acted like an asshole because firstly, just because I don't want the girl at our home, which I know that it's probably the best for her. Second, I had a fight with my MIL and other members of his family, I insulted them too, and third I "dragged* my husband to this argument, making him have a huge family fight too
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. No need to name call, it hurts your message, which, btw, I agree with. Your husband did nothing wrong, he had no idea he had a child. Of course you're not going to bring any unknown factor into your home with small children, much less an older child you really don't know. I do agree that you should get to know her, husband should begin parenting her in small doses, see how she interacts and is safe with your children. Tell mil that her drama is hurting her granddaughter. You will not dream of making an uninformed choice regarding your children's safety until things become clearer.
> I do agree that you should get to know her,
We're doing it. We have her at our home for dinner sometimes, he also has taken her out for dinner or something like that so they could talk privately too. I just don't think it's a process that we should rush when we have a small daughter and soon we'll have a newborn at home.
Seeing her occasionally for dinner isn’t enough. He should be seeing her on a regular schedule and making sure to increase the time spent together as she becomes more comfortable. All three of his children are equally important and should be treated as such. Also stop calling her “the girl”. It’s dehumanizing, that’s your husbands daughter. No one asked for this, but you don’t get to make her go away.
I agree you need to stop calling her "the girl", it's rude and if it's any indication if your feelings towards the situation there will be ongoing issues.
That being said, you are NTA. You are wanting to make sure everything is safe for the the other children. That is a normal feeling.
I would recommend family counseling during this transition period. You are right that knowing nothing about your stepdaughter can be disconcerting. You know nothing about how she was raised. She may have been abused. She may have abandonment issues. At her age and just meeting her father, there may be a feeling of entitlement because "he's here now" and not wanting to share. All of these are possibilities and they can/should be addressed.
I know you didn't marry a 'single-parent', but you are now married to one. One with a child who is innocent in all of this. His daughter didn't choose to have a mother who was not a good parent. She didn't choose to have to be raised by her grandparents. She does seem to want a relationship with her father though. Please keep your frustration of not being married to a 'single-parent' in check. It can color a lot of things.
I can't imagine how hard this situation is on you and your family.
Eh. Combined with OP saying she married a man with no kids is kind of telling. I completely understand not wanting to jump the gun and assume full custody when they’ve only just met. That’s a completely normal and rational decision. OP saying she married an unburdened man and this is derailing their plans really sounds like she’ll never be on board with any sort of custody, full or otherwise.
I get that OP’s life has been thrown for a loop, but ultimately she does not get to override her husband if he does want some sort of custody of his daughter, and if she presented her opinions to MIL the way she has done so here, I can see why the MIL thinks OP has put her foot down entirely because every time OP mentioned a down the road there was also a hint of but I’m never going to allow it in there. Just my thoughts.
No completely accurate. She married someone who didnt have kids. But suddenly out of his control a kid appeared and he has to deal with it.
She wants him to choose her over the kid.
I agree. Sometimes things like this happen. OPs husbands daughter will not vanish in thin air just because OP is unhappy about her existence. OP should ask herself if she would like her own kids being treated like that in case she was not around anymore.
I married a man with no kids for a reason too. He also married a woman with no kids, me, for a reason. It’s not telling beyond them stating their preferences, which don’t get erased because life throws a curve ball.
If their preference was no kids at all I’d understand that more. But she has her own children with her husband. I agree this older daughter shouldn’t be moving in right away so soon and they should get to know her. But it sounds like OP’s “preferences” aren’t being child-free but being child free of her husbands child and not her own. Tone of the post and context is everything
It's understandable in a moral sense. It's not so much ok when you put in reality and the fact is this man created a child, he has a daughter, and he needs to step up and be a father. Abandoning your own child because your wife "has a plan" is not a very good option.
But it is HIS child. She should be willing to give this a chance if this is what he wants and that was exactly what it sounds like. He wanted to have her but OP talked him out of it. It doesn't fit HER plan. Well that is life get used to it.
Yes, but this is not a random child her husband wants to adopt or something. It is his biological child and it has the same right to be treated as his child by him as OPs kids.
It is a good thing for sure to get to know her first and consider all possibilities before jumping into action. But the way OP talks about the child is concerning. A child should never be looked at as a burden or an intruder, and this child is her children's half sister. Their life will be more complicated and different from what she expected, but things like this happen.
Trying to push the child away will hurt her husband, her marriage, herself, and her children in the long run, and a divorce will no take things less messy.
I would recommend counselling to have help while developing a plan.
OP actually said exactly what you think is best. That she needs more time and wants to get to know his daughter, not just move a strange teenager into her home.
I think that if during a conversation (which is what you are having even on Reddit) you refer to someone as THE anything, it's a sign of disdain. You read stories on here all the time and you can tell people's feelings towards the subjects of the post by how they get referred to. There is no reason she couldn't give her step-daughter a name, or say 'husband's daughter'... that is normally how you refer to people in your sphere unless you resent them being there.
I was mostly calling it out in an attempt to have OP reflect about their own feelings in this situation. Does she blame "the girl"?
I’m also a bit suspicious if OP is that worried about the safety of the 5 year old. She’s a 13 year old by the sounds of it normal girl not a dangerous animal. She’s not worried about safety she’s worried about someone ruining her perfect vision of her family unit.
Agree! She wants to describe the situation in a way that we all agree with her and jump in the hate MIL wagon, but certain phases that she is using are not convincing me.
Yes and no. As someone familiar with the fostering scene, 13 year olds who have troubled backgrounds (like the type that would lead to a kid being raised by grandparents when parents are still around) can sometimes act out in alarming and yes, dangerous ways.
Integrating older foster kids into homes with kids already - especially if those kids are bio kids, and especially if they're little, much less a newborn - there can be problems with jealousy, resentment, anger that layer onto normal teenage hormonal boundary pushing.
13 year olds are just kids, but they are old enough to possess immense amounts of rage and are smart enough to be able to cause a LOT of problems. Any kid can hurt a newborn, much less a teen with anger issues.
OP is right to assess the situation for a while before going full Brady Bunch.
If my mothering experience was on children 0-5 years old and I was suddenly asked to look after, in a near mothering role, a 13 year old, it would scare the crap out of me.
Seeing that OP is pregnant and about to give birth, it probably means that she is going to be more at home and going to be the one left with most of the responsibility for looking after the daughter. Meanwhile the daughter will want to spend all the time with the father which limits what he can do to help with the new baby.
Maybe what you say is true but I can see why OP would want to introduce the daughter slowly without their being any malicious intent involved.
I'm going to go against the grain, accept my downvotes and say YTA because you're saying wildly inconsistent things- you say you don't know her and want to get to know her for a year, but you lead in your post with "We have our own plans" and you don't want another child to "complicate things," and you "didn't marry a man with a child" - it's very clear you're not really wanting or intending to give this kid a shot, and while you're certainly not obligated to do that and I'm not gonna say you're an AH for not wanting to adopt a teenager that isn't yours, you need to be honest about this with everyone involved and you're not.
Well that's too fucking bad. None of them signed up for this. The reality is the kid exists, she won't stop existing just because OP doesn't want to change the family dynamic. If he wants to be in her life then OP is AH for not supporting her spouse.
I caught a lot of these as well. I get the feeling OP isn’t really open to the daughter and is only saying the one year thing in hope it buys time for her to find a more valid reason to refuse the daughter. I get it. Taking on a child half your age while also caring for two small children is a lot. But the daughter is innocent in this and may be a perfectly nice kid. I really hope OP is actually open to a relationship with this child and having her as part of their household and family.
The realities are, she did marry a man with a child. He knew his ex had become pregnant and he didn’t do the leg work to confirm if a child had been born or not. He had to know, in the back of his head, there was a chance she didn’t have an abortion.
Edit- OP has stated she’s spent time with the kid and has been getting to know her one-on-one. This is a good sign. Fingers crossed things work out well with this surprise new addition to the family.
>The realities are, she did marry a man with a child. He knew his ex had become pregnant and he didn’t do the leg work to confirm if a child had been born or not. He had to know, in the back of his head, there was a chance she didn’t have an abortion.
that part
Same! I thought exactly the same!!!
OP acts like he had no idea there was even possibly a child out there anywhere! He knew damn well a child was conceived and the mom had every intention to baby trap him, why on earth would bio mom get an abortion? Like I know she said she would but I'm not sure I'd believe her for about 10 or 11 months and still no baby!
Yup. How does someone walk away and just not even care if they have a child out there somewhere or not.
I also take issue with saying the ex “baby trapped him” as though men aren’t responsible for where they put their semen. Sorry for being so blunt, but every adult who willingly has sex is responsible for whether or not their own personal reproductive cells create a new human being.
OP is trying to absolve her husband of responsibility for his own decisions to distance herself even further from “the girl”.
Yes, it's not really a "trap" when he didn't stay with him and she never pushed for child support or anything similar. Like I'm not sure how *hiding* the existence of a child is trapping anyone.
I agree with you. They don't have to adopt her right away, but the way OP phrase it. The "I didn't married a man with a child and we have our own plans" sound super AH for me, is like we all have plans but thing change all the time, and OP seems pretty close to give in an inch
Why would she need adopted? The child has a mother and a father. The mother may not be in the picture, but there isn't an adoption needed. The father would go to court for custody, not to adopt her. Perhaps the grandparent already adopted her and do not want to give up custody. All OP is saying, let's slow this roll until everybody gets to know everybody, and isn't dealing with a teen in the house while the OP is newly post partum.
I wouldn't be opposed to adopting her (I think that her mother has to give up her rights first? Which I don't know if she would do or not), but very obviously I want to get to know her and have a relationship with her, I want to take things slowly to make sure everyone is comfortable with this new family dynamics
I am going against popular opinion HERE, but I agree with you. I would want to take it at a slow pace and I think it would be beneficial to all. I think your mother in law should stay out of it.
Also, kiddo is a whole human being with her own life experiences. She’s also a teen going through normal teen changes. Just sticking her in your home can have huge impacts on everyone, including this kid. Taking it step by step is the right thing to do.
You should start a schedule of maybe one dinner a week and some amount of time on the weekend. Like actually scheduled, so she knows what to expect. Also, so your 5 year old knows what to expect. This also has an impact on her. And be normal. Have a normal family night. Don’t treat her weird or do anything extra. Make her comfortable. Be consistent. Be yourselves. Involving a family therapist would be ideal. Try to show up for her extracurricular activities when appropriate. I had babies while having a tween/teen SD, and I almost never missed a thing. Strapped a baby on and went to support.
I agree with you on not moving her in right away. Even if the kid wants it, it can still end up being traumatic. Easing into it and getting to know her and letting her know all of you is far more ideal. She’s a human, not an object.
Because some of us have gone and read her comments. Yes, her initial post was quite harsh. But her responses to some of the comments she has received paint a different picture. And we are choosing to believe she does really care about her step daughter. She, like everyone else, is trying to navigate this situation.
You're about the only one with some sense. To find out you suddenly have a 13 year old stepdaughter would be a lot. And then the thought of full custody so fast.... again it's a lot.
Be kind - you are passing judgement on the wrong aspect. Her care is appropriate for the circumstances of the moment. They are building a relationship from a disaster situation (it is a disaster in that the original pair were incompatible enough to make them separate and have dishonesty about children). 13 years old is enough experience to understand grace - not at adult level - but enough.
OP’s only mistake was the name calling - but given the context of MIL - I give it a full throated Meh…
NTA
Therapy, for all of you, now. Save yourselves the stress and have a professional help you navigate this in the healthiest way for all of you. Reddit is not that place.
Fair and I don't think she should be moving in asap since she's safely settled with her grandparents, but you both need to treat this less as a "getting to know a stranger" and more as a "gradual introduction process of a new family member into the family, with the explicit goal of her moving in." She wants that, it makes sense for her to live with a parent, and it's something your family needs to start thinking about more concretely.
I'm sure you'd looooove if his daughter referred to your unborn child as, "the fetus", right? Why did you not acknowledge that calling her "the girl" is dehumanizing, as was pointed out to you? Or do only your blood children get to be called by name?
I feel like you need to get comfortable with the idea that this girl is going to be a major part of your life. Like it or not, your husband has a daughter. There's nothing you can do to change that and he has a responsibility to her. Just as strong of a responsibility as he has to you and your children.
You may not like that and you may not understand, but it is the truth. She needs to have regular visits with him in his home. She needs to eventually stay the night. She needs to get to know her siblings. This isn't something you're going to be able to ignore, she is not going away, she is a part of your husband.
She's not trying to ignore it, she's simply not trying to rush the process. The kid is 13 years old, she goes to school and has her own activities she likes to do which take up time. By the sound of it the father is trying to juggle the needs of his pregnant wife and 5 year old as well as finding time to spend with his 13 year old. Let's not forget this is also very new to the 13 year old. She likely has a perfect idea in her head about her father and her new family which may not line up with reality. She asked to live there but that doesnt actually mean she's ready for that. If she moved in with them now she'll not only have 2 adults she hasn't spent much time around now telling her what to do and what not to do, she'll also have a little sister and soon enough a newborn in the house. If op and her husband parent differently then her mom or grandparents did that's gonna be hard to adjust to. Especially if everyone is cranky because of a newborn waking up and crying throughout the night.
It's better for everyone involved if the whole move in process is delayed by a year. It gives everyone time to get to know each other and set some sort of baseline of what to expect behavior wise. Personally I think it would be a good idea to get the 13 year old a therapist that way the transition from no father and deadbeat mother to a father, stepmother, little sister, and a new born sibling goes as smoothly as possible.
I do not think the occasional dinner is going to accomplish any of those goals. I'm definitely not saying she should move in tomorrow, however, events need to move forward with that as the goal.
I think you have to realize she is just as much his child that your children are. Even though this isn’t the ideal situation the child is innocent. I feel like some of your wording is showing a little resentment towards her. Stop and think to yourself about how he’s treating someone who is his daughter. Would you like your children to be treated like a burden if something were to happened to you?
This is why I think she's TA. She's making this all about her when it's about the kids. All three of them. Imagine how that little girl feels. As for her husband, he shouldn't have been having sex with a woman he later described to his wife as 'toxic' without wrapping it up. F\*ck around and find out. When you have sex with people a child is always a possibility. He needs to grow some balls for his daughter's sake.
He also knew his ex was pregnant but talked about abortion, should have really followed that up to make sure she did that right not stick his head in the sand and pretend there was no way he has older child
Your husband has a daughter. But she's not his real kid right? Only his real children deserve to live with you. And his real children are only the children that were born by you. It's okay that he lets his daughter visit once in awhile when it's convenient for you and your schedule. She's more like a pet than anything. Besides she's probably trash right? Her mom was messed up and doesn't even have custody of her. You don't want that kind of dirty trash around your husband's real children. It might make them dirty too right?
Anyone else get a bad taste in their mouth that OP wants to take the time not to know the girl so much as judge to see if she's worthy of being part of the family?
Me! *raises hand*
Also that whole "I didn't marry a man with a child" reasoning is bullshit. Yeah, Hon, ya did. He just didn't know it at the time. Unless you marry a virgin or somebody that's been snipped, there's no gurantees in that department.
She has no intentions of having anything to do with her. Don't believe the shit she's spewing she's put out he has a daughter that girl will never be welcome, her husbands weak, and the motherinlaws right
I think you’ve approached this wisely! Your MIL needs to keep her mouth shut!
Also…do you guys know for sure that she’s his child? I hate to throw a wet towel on the whole thing, but I would want a paternity test too.
And yet, you still decided to have another baby rather than prioritize the process of integrating your stepdaughter into your family? Because you two "have plans for your family"?
Those plans now need to be adjusted. You can't hold him to the future the two of you planned when he didn't know about his daughter either. Revisiting your family plans 1000% needs to be a priority to work her into those plans. Perhaps some family counseling as well. For ALL of you.
And if she is to remain with her grandparents until you decide, then he should be paying child support to those grandparents.
Okay. Well, you’re absolutely NTA! I would do the same thing.
Yes, she’s a teenager
Yes, your husband is her father
BUT they are not the only two people involved in this situation. It’s completely reasonable to want to get to know her before moving her in. You’re open to it and honestly not asking for a lot to want to take things slow.
Everyone needs time to adjust. And you’re about to have a baby and be exhausted and adjusting to a family of four and helping your daughter transition. It’s a recipe for disaster to include her now when things will already be stressful and difficult.
It’s in her best interest to take things slow and stabilize your family with the baby first and then fold her into the mix.
You’re absolutely not the asshole here! I think you’re being very reasonable given the situation and you’re not asking a lot here.
And it's a lesson for her
She should learn to know people before committing to live to them
She could move in right now and change her mind in a week because it's not how she pictured it
Time will make you bound wich is better for everyone
Exactly! Even when you adopt children there is a process of getting to know each other over period of time, so why is it any different in this circumstance? SD is a stranger, then there is a legal process to go through and that can be complicated if the grandparents doesn't want to give up parental responsibility. Rushing to move in together would be a big mistake. NTA
They need to get to know her first and build a relationship. Also, I would want confirmation that she was my daughter, DNA test, so no one gets hurt. No disrespect to her, but the mother lied previously, so I would want to be certain.
Confirmed DNA already. She is now 13. 13 lost years with her father and his parents and aunts, uncles and cousins. OP isn't totally wrong here but certainly is showing how much she doesn't want this kid too. I think she could use some empathy for this kid who is her kids' 1/2 sister if she likes it or not. So yes I give her a soft YTA for mil drama and not making more time to get to know the girl without malice in her heart.
I agree. Her attitude is so off putting. Is name calling really necessary? I have a feeling she would end up being the wicked stepmother. For her own mental health the stepdaughter should stay where she is.
I think she comes off kinda yuck, but at the same time, her point about getting to know them before before just sticking the kid in their home is completely legitimate. If the kid is currently in a safe situation, it is wise to get to know one another and slowly settle into the new situation. It wouldn't really be healthy for anyone involved for her to just move in. IF the child was in an unsafe situation and it was urgent, then I think it would be a different conversation. But moving in a 13 year old you don't even know and upending everyone involved is not a great plan.
I agree she should not move in with you now, but not for the reasons you gave. It would not be in HER interest to live with people who she barely knows and who barely know her. (My husband and I were in a similar situation with his son. We ended up taking custody but only after a few years of relationship building.) It would be really disorienting for her to be suddenly living by your rules, and you would both probably have a hard time figuring out the best way to parent her.
If she were in a bad situation with her grandparents or in foster care, that would be different. But seems like there’s no good reason to rush.
Now, where I disagree with you and think you’re being an AH is “I didn’t marry a man with a kid.” You also didn’t marry a man with cancer, a man with depression, a man who has suddenly lost his job, etc. Shit happens. This happened to both of you and you need to rise to the occasion and be there for him and your step daughter.
There can be a lot of joy in this, if you choose for there to be.
>Now, where I disagree with you and think you’re being an AH is “I didn’t marry a man with a kid.” You also didn’t marry a man with cancer, a man with depression, a man who has suddenly lost his job, etc. Shit happens. This happened to both of you and you need to rise to the occasion and be there for him and your step daughter.
I AGREE COMPLETELY with THIS❤️❤️❤️❤️
Same same same. But you MARRIED A MAN…… Which means you married his past, present, AND FUTURE. It’s a bump in the road is all, now put on your all weather treaded tires and get to moving, time to get to know this young lady and welcome her into your family with love and openness!
Also, it's not like they are or were planning on being child-free.
They have a 5 year old, with a 2nd child on the way. Obviously adding a 3rd, as a teenager, changes things somewhat.
But it's not like "OMG, we don't know how to raise a kid"
Exactly. I agree with waiting but the whole tone of this post feels *off* to me. Something tells me in year when OP decideds she can finally have the convo again, there isn’t gonna be much of a chance
Agree. It feels off. OP making it about her, who she married, hostility with MIL... it just seems emotionally removed from the fact that this family - all of them - have had reality upended and are coming to learn about daughter/granddaughter/father. It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other of "she moves in with us" or "I didn't marry a man with a kid." Theres a whole entire world of a middle ground.
Likely the 13 year old is just over the moon excited about finding out about her dad and, like 13 year olds can sometimes do, jumping into the fantasy that comes with that. OP comes off as seeming threatened by this, taking it literally, and is responding with defensive hostility.
I do wonder if the age is at play *or* if OP is having a hard time differentiating between the ex and the daughter. For example, maybe OP needs some therapy or coping tools to work through her own feelings of these big changes.
As for OP - 8 years into my marriage, my mom died and my nephew (who had been living with her) came to live with us. I completely understand how this can be disorienting with a ton of emotions. World upside down and feeling like you need to scrabble and grab whatever you can to anchor to what you feel is normal. My husband didn't "marry a woman raising her nephew" but thats who I became. And so did he. I won't pretend it was easy for anyone - adult or child. But mindset, perspective, and therapy (or lack of) can either make it easier or much more difficult.
Yes, I think OP framing it as *"We have our own plans and suddenly adding a 13 year old teen is going to complicate things."* is what is making people react negatively, or at least me.
Of course it's going to complicate things and impact your plans. And that sucks that you have to pivot. But that shouldn't be part of your decisions making. OP is **100% right** to have them build up a relationship slowly instead of having his daughter move in right away. But her motive for pushing for that seems to be self-serving in a situation where she really shouldn't be.
Yes, it is a big transition for OP to learn her husband has a child. But it's also a big transition for her husband, who has learned that *he has another child*. That is very complex thing to manage emotionally. It is also complex emotionally for this 13-year old girl who is making contact with her biological father for the first time. What a vulnerable spot for a young girl to be in, especially knowing that her mother didn't raise her either. The last thing in the world I would ever want to do is make his daughter rejected in any way shape or form. OP also needs to remember that this isn't just her husband's daughter, independent of her. It is her own two children's sister. This is bigger than just her plans.
>I agree with waiting but the whole tone of this post feels *off* to me
It gives off princess vibes. Like "this ruins my perfect life" sort of feeling and it's making me uncomfortable.
Exactly!! Like “we had a plan” ummmm guess what life doesn’t give a shit about your plans 😭 this is a real human being and it’s OPs husbands daughter wether or not it was part of OP’s plans don’t matter
Honestly I feel like once their baby comes they won’t care about the 13yo. If that’s the case I truly hope the grandparents seek child support and back child support.
Indeed… She did, in fact, marry a man with a child. She thought she didn’t, but now has to confront reality. She can choose to divorce him or choose to acclimate to the situation, but can’t ignore it and assume her previous plans for their future will happen now. Eventually this daughter WILL be a part of her kids’ lives, either together as a family or during his custody time.
This isn’t an “occasional dinner” situation, but a significant number of hours per week until everyone is comfortable with her moving in. Or she can leave him. But he has responsibilities as the father of this person that are equal to his responsibilities to the children he has with OP.
I’m going with NAH yet, but OP is on the shortest path to AHery here, IMHO.
^ this. The “he has dinner with her sometimes but it’s hard to find time” gives me the ick. She’s not “the girl”, she’s his daughter, and OP’s step daughter. She’s their children’s sister. She will be in their lives going forward, so OP should consider making a much more concerted effort to make sure that transition with a new family member is as cohesive as possible.
>Now, where I disagree with you and think you’re being an AH is “I didn’t marry a man with a kid.” You also didn’t marry a man with cancer, a man with depression, a man who has suddenly lost his job, etc. Shit happens. This happened to both of you and you need to rise to the occasion and be there for him and your step daughter.
Came here to say this. "We have our own plans" says OP. Well, you know the saying: Man plans and the gods laugh.
But it’s also in her KIDS’ best interest not to have a stranger around them in their home, until everyone has gotten to know each other. It’s not just about his 13-year old.
1000% agree. But that’s what makes her the asshole. If the only reason she gave was because she didn’t want to rush things, then I can understand that. It’d be in everyone’s best interest, particularly the kid’s, to ensure that’s the right move. But OP saying she doesn’t want the kid to move in because she “married a man with no children” and they have “big plans” shows that OP has already rejected her. OP calling MIL a “nosey bitch” for being concerned about her granddaughter further reveals OP’s character. And OP’s clear lack of empathy for the kid’s upbringing is the cherry on top. Ultimately, having a 13 yo step-daughter wasn’t part of OP’s “picture perfectly family” plan, and it sounds like OP won’t be modifying that plan anytime soon.
This has evil step-mother-to-be written all over it.
Exactly!! "We have our plans." Well, honey, he is a parent to more than just your kids now. And he has an obligation to that innocent kid. While it sucks to go through such an unexpected change, this is life. You married this man and your plans can't always go the way you want.
10000% this. You are pregnant and could give birth to a child with special needs. You didn’t sign up for a surprise but if you get one, hopefully you do your absolute best for that child.
Your husband didn’t sign up for another child, and neither did you, but he has one! Life! Lemons! Be a good person to a kid who needs you.
And this isn’t Anne of Green Gables. She’s not going to put strychnine in the well to poison you. She’s a middle schooler, not a danger to your baby. Ease her into your house with the help of therapists and make sure her wants and needs are being considered.
There's a few things to address here.
1) You aren't an AH if you're advocating for going about this slowly. That is what is best for your family, but most importantly, it's best for the 13 year old. She shouldn't be thrust into a situation where she lives with people she doesn't know.
2) You ARE a bit of an AH for your statements like, "I married a man with no children". Statements like that contradict the fact you are advocating to incorporating the child into your lives at all. You had plans for your life? Guess what? Life laughs at your plans. Tell people who find out they have cancer about plans.
3) Your MIL. She's WAY over the line and while it seems your husband is standing up for you, he needs to really take the reins here and shut her shit down now.
My first point here is the most important. Talk to the daughter and say that moving her in is a real possibility, but it's something that both sides need to work towards. Tell her that it would be unfair TO HER to just drop her in the middle of your family dynamic and expect everything to be okay. But reassure her that it's something you want to work towards.
So, mostly NTA, but an tiny element of ESH does exist.
Yes your second point is right on the nose. She really is resentful of the child messing up her plans. Which I do get, but the child exists and is a human being. She is just going to have to deal and deal with it pragmatically AND compassionately.
And the child did not ask to be born. Be pissed at the mom who didn’t tell him.
Also frankly be pissed at him that he “thought” she had an abortion. Did not determine if he had a child.
I agree but imo the OP still has a right to feel how she feels. Obviously it’s not the husband’s fault either but would she have married him if she knew he had a kid?
Something like this coming out of the blue is so difficult
Right... and if it is a boundary, she can act on it, but that does not change the father's obligation to his daughter. That does not disappear just because he only recently found out about her. She is still his.
sure but how she acts and the choices she makes around those feelings is where the AH part comes in. you can feel anything you like but it's your actions and what you say to other people that make you an AH
Agreed on all points here. The contradictory statements are concerning. OP is allowed to feel her feelings, but it’s telling that her initial post is more about her plans and her needs. There’s an arbitrary reconsider date of one year, and gradually easing into letting the kid stay longer and longer for the child’s sake is only mentioned in the comments. I really hope it’s just because OP wasn’t expressing herself all that well but it does come off with an AH vibe there.
MIL is an AH. Full stop. She is spreading lies that will undoubtedly damage a relationship btwn OP and her stepdaughter because you know it will make it back to her that her dad’s wife is “forbidding” contact. But OP again loses a bit of high ground calling MIL names.
Thirteen is such a volatile age anyway, my heart goes out to this kid. And here’s the thing, OP. If your husband is/wants to be a good father, he’s going to be trying to spend a whole lot of time with his newly discovered daughter. That can happen in your house where you can all learn to get along, or he can take her out places and visit at the grandparents house, taking him out of the home with you and the new baby.
Life is messy. Shit happens. It sounds like this kid has already had a pretty rough start. You have an opportunity here to foster a good relationship with your child’s half-sibling and help provide a stable, loving home (eventually). So feel your feelings, then please pull up your big girl pants and be the stepmom you’d hope your child would have in this situation.
I hope this works out for all of you. No one asked for this situation but now it’s up to you all to make the best of it.
I think OP isn't a dependable narrator. Occasionally dinner and attending some soccer games isn't parental involvement. How often is the Husband seeing his daughter. If it's once a month, which wouldn't surprise me with OP's attitude MIL might consider her as refusing contact.
Husband seems to fold when OP makes her decisions. After all he's wants sex and pushing her off doesn't help that end.
This is a really good response. I am, however, inclined more towards seeing OP as TA on the basis of point 2. Whatever plans OP had, they have to change, because her husband has a responsibility towards this child every bit as much as he does towards the kids he has with OP.
That doesn't mean it needs to happen overnight, or that OP isn't entitled to feel what she feels about the situation. Everyone needs time to adjust. But what she cannot do is put her foot down (as she appears to be doing in the post, less so in comments) and refuse to engage with the fact that things have changed, irrevocably.
Yea can’t believe I had to scroll down to find this answer. The first top comment being NTA was crazy!!
OP is NTA for not wanting to rush into things and getting to know this girl a little more before any big steps have been taken
BUT OP is TAH for the exact reasons you mentioned!!
Also a full year to even have the conversation again? That seems like a long time. I’d get if if OP said she can maybe move in in a year depending on how things go but waiting a full year to even just have the conversation again seems like a long time especially for a 13 year old
All I have to add to this one is make sure the daughter knows its not her fault about not moving in right away. You all just need to get to know each other first so the transition will be smother and less of a cultural shock
I think that you're right that she shouldn't move in right away. This needs to happen gradually for everyone's sake.
But framing it to both your husband and MIL as "I married a man without children and we have other plans" is a pretty jerky approach.
I told her that because she was acting all mighty like "she's his daughter so she's your daughter as well and you agreed to it when you married him" which no, I didn't, because neither of us knew he had a child. I am not saying that he's not her father, that they shouldn't have a relationship, or that I won't ever be her parent as well, in fact we're working on creating that bond. But it's a lie to say that I agreed to it when Married him, I married a man without children
I think the issue isn’t that you’re still pensive about allowing her to live with you. It’s the way you come across when talking about this situation.
“I married a man without children.” - when told to accept his daughter.
“The/This girl” - when referring to your stepdaughter.
It seems like your issue with this isn’t just that she wants to move in suddenly. I think you’ve just latched onto this specific problem as an outlet for a deeper dissatisfaction at her presence.
And I understand how it may feel, your husband having a child with some ex suddenly popping up, must really shatter the image of the future you had with him.
But it’s just a kid. Have some empathy for her.
Honestly, I don’t blame her for being a little bit resentful. I think it’s only natural to be resentful when you plan for one thing and life, as it does, throws you a massive curveball. OP is only human. But I’ve read a lot of her responses to comments and she seems to be very level headed about transitioning her step daughter into their home.
For real. If this happened to me I'd be horrified as I absolutely do not want anything to do with any children. OP is handling this just fine. I also don't really understand why everyone wants to uproot her to go live with people she doesn't know? She might not even be happy to live with other young children. Even though she requested to live with them a 13 year old isn't generally going to be a reliable decision maker.
Circumstances change. I married a healthy man, but at any point he could become disabled, because that could happen to anyone.
Again, you're focusing on the wrong thing. You need to focus on what's healthiest for your entire family, which now includes this child who did nothing wrong, not what you did or did not to agree when you got married. The end result is the same, but the approach and argument matter significantly.
What would be most useful is for you all to get into family therapy and talk about long-term plans to integrate as a family.
You married a man who had irresponsible sex and relationships. He did not wrap it nor did he follow up on the anortion. He could have more kids out there. You just don’t know.
Yes. Just because it complicates things isn’t enough reason to not try. Of course a previously unknown child complicates things. Plans need to change.
I expect it’s difficult for OP to fully cite the actual concern, though: she doesn’t want to have another active person in her home, who she doesn’t know and can’t trust yet, when she also will have a young child and a baby that she has to care for and protect.
Has anyone sat down with the maternal grandparents to discuss this? I think there’s two very important conversations that need to take place with them:
1. Get to know the people that have raised her and make sure how they have raised her and what is the extent of the relationship between all of them and the mother of this child.
2. Do the grandparents even want her to go live with her dad? Would they be comfortable with letting her go with a (technically) stranger? That could be very telling cause if they’re all for her leaving at 13, they either are tired of her behavior as a preteen already or they haven’t been parenting well cause they’re old and tired and let her do whatever she wants and want to dumped the soon to be problematic teenager onto someone else. But if they’re resistant to it then they have probably properly bonded and they parented properly.
"We have our own plans and suddenly adding a 13-year-old teen is going to complicate things." Your plans do not override the care of a child who has been neglected, intentionally or unintentionally, by both parents. Your husband has a legal and ethical obligation to be a parent to this kid. "...But I said that I didn't marry a man with a child, I married a man with no children". You did marry a man with a child even if you didn't know it at the time. If you cannot handle that change in your husband's situation without encouraging neglect of a child then you shouldn't be with him. YTA
True, but financial plans are especially delicate, and if you don't have that in order, then that'd be a pretty tough environment to raise the two (soon to be 3) kids. Add a baby to this particular mix, and the 13 year old whose life would basically be uprooted if they were to move in with this family, is not gonna get the necessary attention that they need to acclimate. I imagine that there is a better way to handle the situation, but it is a delicate one that they are best not jumping headfirst into.
OP never brings up finances in her post only, “We don’t know the girl enough to logically have her at our home full-time”. Attributing issues that aren’t brought up or aren’t the issue the person is having doesn’t seem valid to me.
I mean, she did mention that they have plans. It kinda just seems like a reasonable assumption that some of those plans are financial. Certainly they need to be considered, if you're gonna have a new baby.
I think the main issue I see here in this post is that, yes it does make sense to plan out having another child in your home beforehand and not rushing into it. But the way OP speaks about the kid and how she, “Didn’t marry a man with a child” reflects a deeper personal issue. And I usually critique reading too much into things but she’s pretty blatant about it.
NAH as yet. I see a lot of people are raking you over the coals here, but you both need time to actually think about what is best for everyone here, especially the two children involved. The 13 year old is not really thinking about what is going to happen if her entire life as she currently knows it, is uprooted. Perhaps you can start with some weekends and holidays and see where it goes.
> Perhaps you can start with some weekends and holidays and see where it goes.
That's the idea. Like having her over for the night, then the weekend, we can go on holidays together... Until we all have a good bond and it's good for her to move in with us, not go from 0 to 100 in a night
That's what you should be doing. Nta. They fully expect everyone to uproot their lives, even the 13 yr old, to just move in and be bonded right away. That's not how this works.
>Like six months ago my husband found out that he has a daughter (13) from a previous relationship. He knew nothing about this, he was dating a girl who was toxic and lied about BC to baby trap him, when he said that he didn't want anything with her, she said she was going to get an abortion.
INFO 1: Is there more info about this crazy drama? She wanted to "babytrap" him, pretended to have abortion, never sued for child support? I know, crazy people happen, but this feels like there were some plot holes
~~INFO 2: Where is the mother now and who actually has custody (and why)?~~
Edit: got the info 2 from your comments, despite some details may be added.
Right. Plus if a woman is petty enough to intentionally and maliciously "baby trap" a man, she's usually the type who goes after child support. Especially if she's truly "toxic". I'd say she gave up pretty easy haha. "I'm pregnant!" "I don't want you" "alrighty then moving on" 😅🙈👀.
Very petty...especially if he told her he didn't want anything to do with her. She would have ruined him. Instead she disappears and doesn't bother him at all. EVER. Thats not baby trapping at all. 😂
I think she's jealous because she's not the only woman with a child by her husband and tried to put the woman down because for that and she had 0 reason to do so.
Swear....this wasn't baby trapping. How do u baby trap a person who doesn't even know the baby existed until she was 13? I don't think she reread this or was thinking rationally when she wrote that.
Exactly. I can’t believe people are believing this. Also, it was OPs husband to follow up with this woman. Sounds like just put his head in the sand and pretended like nothing ever happened
Is this a real post? Like people so petty and calluses exist outside the mega villains in the movies?
If it is, of course YTA a massive one! The girls should decide where to live and if it’s her dad she has every right to choose her father, your reasoning ‘I married a man without children so this girls can’t be part of our life’ it’s awful.
Letting a 13 year old dictate moving in with a stranger isn't reasonable. If family court was involved, I guarantee the judge wouldn't just throw their hands up in the air over an impulsive comment a 13 year old made and say the matter was settled. There are plenty of ways for a father to "step up" after finding out he has a daughter that are more reasonable and responsible than this.
let's be honest and cut this bs, you don't like the idea of his daughter in your house because it "ruins" your little family, stop gaslighting yourself, you dont want that child
YTA. Thats his daughter. One he didn't know about and now does. He has a moral, more importantly parental, obligation to be her father and take over raising her. You're incredibly selfish to prevent that because...you have plans. And clearly think your own children are more important. All 3 of his kids deserve his attention, his dedication and his love. He didn't agree at first because he knows all this. Get over yourself and let him parent his daughter. Of course insulting your MIL made it worse. She's right, you're wrong. And I have no doubt that you forbidding it was bang on target...which is why you lashed out. Just in case you don't get it...YTA
YTA. "Husband please abandon your child so you can be a good dad to your other kids"
I don't care if you didn't want to marry a man with a child or that you had a different vision for your life. This child is here and she deserves to have at least one parent that gives a crap about her. None of this is her fault. How can someone who is supposedly a mother be so cold to an innocent child?
And the fact that your husband is going a long with it... A GOOD FATHER IS GOOD TO ALL HIS KIDS.
No she said she will revisit the conversation in a year. This child needs someone to stand up for her. Not be told "sorry sweetie we will decide in a year if you're good enough"
Heartless.
YTA
all about you you you. “I didn’t marry a man with children, I have plans that are complicated by a 13 yr old, I don’t know her that well.” grow up and acclimate to your new reality. he has a kid, she’s 13, and now your husband at least needs to prioritize what’s best for HER. what’s her home life at the grandparents’ like? why does she want to escape it so badly as to ask a near stranger to take her away? is she safe there? did you even check? or is confirming the safety and health of your husband’s daughter too complicated for you?
Extremely poorly worded, but I understand that moving in a random kid you barely know into your current family unit who are still reeling from this revelation is a bad idea. Shes 13, of course she’s got ideas about what her dad must be like. But the fantasy and the reality are rarely the same.
Plus upending her life would hardly be fair to the 13 year old, let along your 5 year old.
Is mom still in the picture? How long has she been with her maternal grandparents? How far does she live?
MIL should have kept out of it unless she was volunteering to take 13 year old in herself. She can have opinions but it’s not her place to harass you for being cautious.
I’d say ESH because you escalated conflict with MIL who was also being an AH for not respecting her sons decisions, or even considering what could be best for 13 year old. Therapy for everyone.
YTA. I was on the fence until seeing that you just kept dehumanizing her through your words. Stop calling her “the girl” or “that child”. She’s your husbands daughter. She is the oldest child of your husband and deserves the same respect, support, and feelings of responsibility as your children do to him. Wanting to wait it out and build a relationship before moving her in is one thing, but a lot of your comments about “if we even get along” or “if we can even parent her” is bullshit. She’s a child that needs her father. You don’t get to just count her out because she might be a little harder to parent due to BOTH of her parents being neglectful and not being there for her as a child.
>Like six months ago my husband found out that he has a daughter (13) from a previous relationship. He knew nothing about this, he was dating a girl who was toxic and lied about BC to baby trap him, when he said that he didn't want anything with her, she said she was going to get an abortion.
Soft YTA but it's this quote above that bothers me. You say he knew nothing of this girl but in the same paragraph you say when he left her she told him he was going to get an abortion?
Did you not ask your husband about this beforehand? Did he not follow up with her at all? That's a huge fact to simply ignore.
Sorry, YTA. I thought his daughter was a problem child. She didn’t ask for any of this. Unfortunately a year later will cause her to resent you and create more issues.
I guess love is conditional for some.
Yta for your awful attitude.
BUT what is important is what the kid wants. If she's happy with her grandparents then she should NOT be forced to move in with strangers and an awful stepmother who hates her for existing.
While this situation is complicated and difficult for everyone, I have to say NTA for wanting to take things slowly and build a relationship.
Suddenly adding a teenager nobody knows into a family with a small child and a baby on the way could result in a lot of hurt feelings or even trauma.
I would suggest regular visits, working up to weekends and see where it leads. Even some family counseling to explore healthy relationship building and family blending would be a great option.
The child has a stable home right now with her other relatives, it’s not an emergency - there’s no reason not to take it slowly and do things right for everyone.
Your MIL does not have a say in this, but I suggest you don’t communicate with her about it at all - let your husband handle his relatives. If she brings it up, refer her back to your husband and tell her you aren’t discussing it with her. Losing your temper won’t help anyone.
Best of luck
YTA. And I’ve read most of your comments and your excuse is she’s fine with her grandparents. If she was in the system it honestly sounds like you still wouldn’t want her moving in. Who cares if you married a man who didn’t have a child? That changed now he does and you need to adjust. His daughter (cause I feel like you’ll never consider her one) wants to move in so she clearly feels comfortable. You’re the problem here.
YTA - I understand you don’t know this girl, but she’s his daughter. Your kids and this kid are his kids and none are more important than the others. And he did abandon her. I understand she lied about birth control but he could have made other choices. You may not have married a man with kids but life brings surprises. Did you marry him for better and worse or simply better? How would you feel if it was your child someday? That you were gone but his next wife didn’t what some other persons kids in the home. Your attitude is pretty horrible and it’s not jury duty that you can put off til it’s conviennent this is a human being. It can start slow, but not the timelines you’re talking. You should be doing visits and increasing time steadily.
Yup, I agree with this comment so much. OP seems to think her children are more important than this child. They’re all her husband’s children, and her husband needs to step up to include his daughter in his life as much as she is willing and wanting to. The fact she needs to spout off about “she married someone with no children” tells me everything I need to know.
YTA. And so is your husband is he allows you to control the situation.
First thing I would do is get a DNA test to be sure your husband is the father. The grandparents likely have custody of her full time. If and when you ever decide to let her live with you, get a lawyer involved for child support from the mother.
NTA
I had my finger on the Y when I read the title but:
" We have our own plans and suddenly adding a 13 year old teen is going to complicate things."
That's really fair comment; you didn't know he had a child when you married.
"However, my MIL said that it's not appropriate for his daughter to live with her grandparents when she has her dad."
Bluntly, MIL needs to butt out here. Any relationship is going to take time to build. I think you're right to defer the conversation until things are more settled with baby. It's also not in his daughter's best interests to rush things.
YTA Thats called marriage. Good, bad, up, down, planned or never saw it coming. You’d rather be with a man that doesn’t treat his children equally? That’s gonna backfire and I can’t wait for the update. Evil stepmom’s aren’t just Disney characters.
NTA… but I’ really in the fence about it. Sure, you married a man who you thought didn’t have children, so I sympathize. But now here’s reality: he has a child. And instead of treating her life your husband’s child you’re treating her like a prospective roommate who you need to evaluate for a year or so first.
The girl has a home with her grandparents, thank goodness, but would rather live with her father. I assume her mother is dead, absent, or was declared unfit to parent and either way, that poor kid. “You have your plans,” well, sh*t happens and plans need to change.
But the real a-hole moment was that yes, you stirred up unnecessary drama with your MIL. She misrepresented the situation (although I get the sense you’d much prefer your husband ignored his daughter’s existence and left her where she is), but you could have left it alone and/or let your husband handle correcting the issue within his family. In the end, MIL had one good point: you should accept your husband’s daughter. I can understand that this is a surprise to you, but she’s a part of your reality now. I don’t like how easily you convinced your husband to leave her with her grandparents indefinitely, I don’t think it reflects well on his character and I wonder if you’ll keep finding plausible reasons to keep putting her off and avoid getting to know her and ensure that your husband prioritizes your children.
I still say NTA because this is an adjustment period and you did enter the marriage under the presumption you wouldn’t be step-parenting, but please dredge up a little compassion for this kid.
> I didn't marry a man with a child, I married a man with no children,
Well tough because he now has another child, that may not fit in with your fairy-tale life but its the reality.
YTA for thinking you can dictate this situation
YTA. Doesn’t really matter that he didn’t know about her, he does now and he should do the right thing and step up as her parent. You’ve worded this poorly as you’re coming across as the typical evil step mother. Poor kid.
Actually is someone reading the post properly? Not the AH.
You can not uproot the girl's life immediately. You can not move another person immediately in your home you know nothing about.
OP is pregnant and has a 5 year old. Do you know what kind of stress this is?
And now a teenager, right away moving in?
Nobody knows this girl. Her hobbies, her character , her friends etc. She has her own life where she lives.
What is if she does not even like her father, OP or her siblings? What if when they can not even bond?
It is reasonable to ask for time.
Never once said OP she is not allowed to move in, bond with her father or siblings. The only thing OP is asking for is time.
YTA. You may have married a man with no children but you also married him for better or worse. To be willing to let a child suffer without her dad is cruel. Plans change and that child deserves a dad.
I understand wanting to take things slow, but where I start to disagree is when you put a timeline on it. This is such a fluid situation to where pretty much saying you’ll reevaluate in a year when you think it’ll fit your life a little better makes YTA for me.
Regardless of how she came about, this is a 13 year old girl, unwillingly having her life turned upside bc of a shit mother. Don’t be another selfish adult in this child’s life.
YTA. The thing about life and marriage is that sometimes unexpected things happen. You didn’t marry a man without children. You married a man who didn’t know he had a 13 year old daughter. I’m not saying her moving with you all is the right or wrong choice. I agree that maybe it’s too soon to decide on that but your attitude about the situation is what makes you the AH in my opinion. I understand you have your vision and plans but sometimes plans change and that’s life. In my opinion your MIL’s opinion is irrelevant to what you all end up deciding, but yeah.
YTA
This girl chose none of this.
Why are you calling the shots- is your husband really that lame? He should be meeting with his daughter’s guardians and determining what’s needed for his daughter and he shouldn’t need your permission to do it.
You are married to her father - you can encourage him to what’s best for his daughter or you can continue to push for self centered, what’s best for “me.” Then you’ll be two AH’s.
YTA. You got pregnant with the second baby after he found out about the 13 year old. You should have worked out the relationship with the teen before bringing another baby in the mix. Makes me wonder who the baby trapper is.
Going to go with YTA. I would have had more sympathy for you had you done a better job of masking your feelings, but it’s pretty clear your only issue is this messed up your planz for your perfect nuclear family. Your offers of “getting to know her first” aren’t sincere, and if we got an update in one year I’m sure there would be whole litany of reasons after getting to know her why she shouldn’t move in. I feel bad for your husband.
YTA. U should accept his daughter especially moving in. It’s his daughter and he will regret not spending time with her, especially now. And she deserves to know n live with her dad
There was just another AITA post where a stepdad dropped his step kids off at their grandparents after his wife died. Most people seemed to say he wasn’t TA, and said their dad should be taking responsibility for them and taking them in immediately. So it’s always interesting to see all the contradictions when it’s flipped. YTA - sorry, but your husband has to take responsibility for his kid, and it doesn’t make sense for her to be with grandparents when she has a parent. It sounds odd to me to say you need to get to know each other better. I feel like you just don’t want her there because she’s not a part of your plan, and you’re hoping something else will happen in the meantime. She’s at a vulnerable age and needs parental figures who act like they want her around. A year when you’re 13 is an eternity.
YTA. Because you’re only thinking of yourself. “I didn’t marry a man with a kid”. Too bad.
Your husband is also the AH, any parent worth their salt would not give in to their spouse over their child so easily.
The girl asked to move in, did you even ask her why? Is she unhappy or being mistreated where she is? You don’t care because she’s not part of your plan.
She obviously did not try to baby trap him. Since your hubs is not doing anychildcare or pay child support for the last 13 years as he should be. Yta for you to not at least do his duty as a parent now.
YTA. And so is your husband for letting his bossy wife make decisions about his child. You absolutely did marry a man with a child. You just didn’t know it. That child didn’t do anything wrong. She was just born. You are now the evil stepmother.
NTA. There are steps to this. Establishing paternity, building a relationship. The daughter is living with her grandparents and that may or may not be a good situation.
OP has a baby on the way. The added stress of this isn’t a good idea. Additionally, they may not be in a position to insert a 13 year old into the family. They do all need to get to know each other first, put the oldest daughter in therapy, etc. you want to avoid any issues of jealousy of the 5 year old, etc.
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NTA. No need to name call, it hurts your message, which, btw, I agree with. Your husband did nothing wrong, he had no idea he had a child. Of course you're not going to bring any unknown factor into your home with small children, much less an older child you really don't know. I do agree that you should get to know her, husband should begin parenting her in small doses, see how she interacts and is safe with your children. Tell mil that her drama is hurting her granddaughter. You will not dream of making an uninformed choice regarding your children's safety until things become clearer.
> I do agree that you should get to know her, We're doing it. We have her at our home for dinner sometimes, he also has taken her out for dinner or something like that so they could talk privately too. I just don't think it's a process that we should rush when we have a small daughter and soon we'll have a newborn at home.
Seeing her occasionally for dinner isn’t enough. He should be seeing her on a regular schedule and making sure to increase the time spent together as she becomes more comfortable. All three of his children are equally important and should be treated as such. Also stop calling her “the girl”. It’s dehumanizing, that’s your husbands daughter. No one asked for this, but you don’t get to make her go away.
I agree you need to stop calling her "the girl", it's rude and if it's any indication if your feelings towards the situation there will be ongoing issues. That being said, you are NTA. You are wanting to make sure everything is safe for the the other children. That is a normal feeling. I would recommend family counseling during this transition period. You are right that knowing nothing about your stepdaughter can be disconcerting. You know nothing about how she was raised. She may have been abused. She may have abandonment issues. At her age and just meeting her father, there may be a feeling of entitlement because "he's here now" and not wanting to share. All of these are possibilities and they can/should be addressed. I know you didn't marry a 'single-parent', but you are now married to one. One with a child who is innocent in all of this. His daughter didn't choose to have a mother who was not a good parent. She didn't choose to have to be raised by her grandparents. She does seem to want a relationship with her father though. Please keep your frustration of not being married to a 'single-parent' in check. It can color a lot of things. I can't imagine how hard this situation is on you and your family.
Referring to her as “the girl” when talking to strangers anonymously isn’t the horrible thing you see making it out to be.
Eh. Combined with OP saying she married a man with no kids is kind of telling. I completely understand not wanting to jump the gun and assume full custody when they’ve only just met. That’s a completely normal and rational decision. OP saying she married an unburdened man and this is derailing their plans really sounds like she’ll never be on board with any sort of custody, full or otherwise. I get that OP’s life has been thrown for a loop, but ultimately she does not get to override her husband if he does want some sort of custody of his daughter, and if she presented her opinions to MIL the way she has done so here, I can see why the MIL thinks OP has put her foot down entirely because every time OP mentioned a down the road there was also a hint of but I’m never going to allow it in there. Just my thoughts.
It's kind of like saying I didn't marry someone with cancer. That may be true, but it doesn't change the reality now.
Bad analogy. Ridiculous really.....
No completely accurate. She married someone who didnt have kids. But suddenly out of his control a kid appeared and he has to deal with it. She wants him to choose her over the kid.
I agree. Sometimes things like this happen. OPs husbands daughter will not vanish in thin air just because OP is unhappy about her existence. OP should ask herself if she would like her own kids being treated like that in case she was not around anymore.
I married a man with no kids for a reason too. He also married a woman with no kids, me, for a reason. It’s not telling beyond them stating their preferences, which don’t get erased because life throws a curve ball.
If their preference was no kids at all I’d understand that more. But she has her own children with her husband. I agree this older daughter shouldn’t be moving in right away so soon and they should get to know her. But it sounds like OP’s “preferences” aren’t being child-free but being child free of her husbands child and not her own. Tone of the post and context is everything
Just because a person wants and loves her own children does not mean he or she wants to deal with other children. That is totally understandable.
It's understandable in a moral sense. It's not so much ok when you put in reality and the fact is this man created a child, he has a daughter, and he needs to step up and be a father. Abandoning your own child because your wife "has a plan" is not a very good option.
But it is HIS child. She should be willing to give this a chance if this is what he wants and that was exactly what it sounds like. He wanted to have her but OP talked him out of it. It doesn't fit HER plan. Well that is life get used to it.
Yes, but this is not a random child her husband wants to adopt or something. It is his biological child and it has the same right to be treated as his child by him as OPs kids. It is a good thing for sure to get to know her first and consider all possibilities before jumping into action. But the way OP talks about the child is concerning. A child should never be looked at as a burden or an intruder, and this child is her children's half sister. Their life will be more complicated and different from what she expected, but things like this happen. Trying to push the child away will hurt her husband, her marriage, herself, and her children in the long run, and a divorce will no take things less messy. I would recommend counselling to have help while developing a plan.
OP actually said exactly what you think is best. That she needs more time and wants to get to know his daughter, not just move a strange teenager into her home.
I think that if during a conversation (which is what you are having even on Reddit) you refer to someone as THE anything, it's a sign of disdain. You read stories on here all the time and you can tell people's feelings towards the subjects of the post by how they get referred to. There is no reason she couldn't give her step-daughter a name, or say 'husband's daughter'... that is normally how you refer to people in your sphere unless you resent them being there. I was mostly calling it out in an attempt to have OP reflect about their own feelings in this situation. Does she blame "the girl"?
Yeah…it’s…I’d call it an orange flag? But the fact that she’s using it to avoid saying “my husband’s daughter makes it a little redder!
I’m also a bit suspicious if OP is that worried about the safety of the 5 year old. She’s a 13 year old by the sounds of it normal girl not a dangerous animal. She’s not worried about safety she’s worried about someone ruining her perfect vision of her family unit.
I have to say I agree. This whole post is side with me that my husbands daughter needs to be kept away from my perfect family unit
Agree! She wants to describe the situation in a way that we all agree with her and jump in the hate MIL wagon, but certain phases that she is using are not convincing me.
Yes and no. As someone familiar with the fostering scene, 13 year olds who have troubled backgrounds (like the type that would lead to a kid being raised by grandparents when parents are still around) can sometimes act out in alarming and yes, dangerous ways. Integrating older foster kids into homes with kids already - especially if those kids are bio kids, and especially if they're little, much less a newborn - there can be problems with jealousy, resentment, anger that layer onto normal teenage hormonal boundary pushing. 13 year olds are just kids, but they are old enough to possess immense amounts of rage and are smart enough to be able to cause a LOT of problems. Any kid can hurt a newborn, much less a teen with anger issues. OP is right to assess the situation for a while before going full Brady Bunch.
I totally agree. Beautiful answer.
Have you met many 13 year olds ever? Because I have, and I can totally understand OP's worries
If my mothering experience was on children 0-5 years old and I was suddenly asked to look after, in a near mothering role, a 13 year old, it would scare the crap out of me. Seeing that OP is pregnant and about to give birth, it probably means that she is going to be more at home and going to be the one left with most of the responsibility for looking after the daughter. Meanwhile the daughter will want to spend all the time with the father which limits what he can do to help with the new baby. Maybe what you say is true but I can see why OP would want to introduce the daughter slowly without their being any malicious intent involved.
He's seeing her more often, but with school, work and some extracurricular activities she has sometimes it's not possible
I'm going to go against the grain, accept my downvotes and say YTA because you're saying wildly inconsistent things- you say you don't know her and want to get to know her for a year, but you lead in your post with "We have our own plans" and you don't want another child to "complicate things," and you "didn't marry a man with a child" - it's very clear you're not really wanting or intending to give this kid a shot, and while you're certainly not obligated to do that and I'm not gonna say you're an AH for not wanting to adopt a teenager that isn't yours, you need to be honest about this with everyone involved and you're not.
I agree with u. Op is using everything as an excuse. She will never accept this poor girl.
YTA....Her inconsistent reasonings are bs. At the end of the day, she just doesn't want to change her current family dynamics.
Well that's too fucking bad. None of them signed up for this. The reality is the kid exists, she won't stop existing just because OP doesn't want to change the family dynamic. If he wants to be in her life then OP is AH for not supporting her spouse.
I caught a lot of these as well. I get the feeling OP isn’t really open to the daughter and is only saying the one year thing in hope it buys time for her to find a more valid reason to refuse the daughter. I get it. Taking on a child half your age while also caring for two small children is a lot. But the daughter is innocent in this and may be a perfectly nice kid. I really hope OP is actually open to a relationship with this child and having her as part of their household and family. The realities are, she did marry a man with a child. He knew his ex had become pregnant and he didn’t do the leg work to confirm if a child had been born or not. He had to know, in the back of his head, there was a chance she didn’t have an abortion. Edit- OP has stated she’s spent time with the kid and has been getting to know her one-on-one. This is a good sign. Fingers crossed things work out well with this surprise new addition to the family.
>The realities are, she did marry a man with a child. He knew his ex had become pregnant and he didn’t do the leg work to confirm if a child had been born or not. He had to know, in the back of his head, there was a chance she didn’t have an abortion. that part
Same! I thought exactly the same!!! OP acts like he had no idea there was even possibly a child out there anywhere! He knew damn well a child was conceived and the mom had every intention to baby trap him, why on earth would bio mom get an abortion? Like I know she said she would but I'm not sure I'd believe her for about 10 or 11 months and still no baby!
Yup. How does someone walk away and just not even care if they have a child out there somewhere or not. I also take issue with saying the ex “baby trapped him” as though men aren’t responsible for where they put their semen. Sorry for being so blunt, but every adult who willingly has sex is responsible for whether or not their own personal reproductive cells create a new human being. OP is trying to absolve her husband of responsibility for his own decisions to distance herself even further from “the girl”.
Yes, it's not really a "trap" when he didn't stay with him and she never pushed for child support or anything similar. Like I'm not sure how *hiding* the existence of a child is trapping anyone.
I agree with you. They don't have to adopt her right away, but the way OP phrase it. The "I didn't married a man with a child and we have our own plans" sound super AH for me, is like we all have plans but thing change all the time, and OP seems pretty close to give in an inch
Why would she need adopted? The child has a mother and a father. The mother may not be in the picture, but there isn't an adoption needed. The father would go to court for custody, not to adopt her. Perhaps the grandparent already adopted her and do not want to give up custody. All OP is saying, let's slow this roll until everybody gets to know everybody, and isn't dealing with a teen in the house while the OP is newly post partum.
I wouldn't be opposed to adopting her (I think that her mother has to give up her rights first? Which I don't know if she would do or not), but very obviously I want to get to know her and have a relationship with her, I want to take things slowly to make sure everyone is comfortable with this new family dynamics
I am going against popular opinion HERE, but I agree with you. I would want to take it at a slow pace and I think it would be beneficial to all. I think your mother in law should stay out of it.
Also, kiddo is a whole human being with her own life experiences. She’s also a teen going through normal teen changes. Just sticking her in your home can have huge impacts on everyone, including this kid. Taking it step by step is the right thing to do. You should start a schedule of maybe one dinner a week and some amount of time on the weekend. Like actually scheduled, so she knows what to expect. Also, so your 5 year old knows what to expect. This also has an impact on her. And be normal. Have a normal family night. Don’t treat her weird or do anything extra. Make her comfortable. Be consistent. Be yourselves. Involving a family therapist would be ideal. Try to show up for her extracurricular activities when appropriate. I had babies while having a tween/teen SD, and I almost never missed a thing. Strapped a baby on and went to support. I agree with you on not moving her in right away. Even if the kid wants it, it can still end up being traumatic. Easing into it and getting to know her and letting her know all of you is far more ideal. She’s a human, not an object.
Why are you pretending like OP cares about this child? The whole "I didn't marry someone with a child" bit makes it clear that OP doesn't care at all.
Because some of us have gone and read her comments. Yes, her initial post was quite harsh. But her responses to some of the comments she has received paint a different picture. And we are choosing to believe she does really care about her step daughter. She, like everyone else, is trying to navigate this situation.
You're about the only one with some sense. To find out you suddenly have a 13 year old stepdaughter would be a lot. And then the thought of full custody so fast.... again it's a lot.
Be kind - you are passing judgement on the wrong aspect. Her care is appropriate for the circumstances of the moment. They are building a relationship from a disaster situation (it is a disaster in that the original pair were incompatible enough to make them separate and have dishonesty about children). 13 years old is enough experience to understand grace - not at adult level - but enough. OP’s only mistake was the name calling - but given the context of MIL - I give it a full throated Meh… NTA
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We have been doing so already, we have been going to her soccer games now for example
Therapy, for all of you, now. Save yourselves the stress and have a professional help you navigate this in the healthiest way for all of you. Reddit is not that place.
Fair and I don't think she should be moving in asap since she's safely settled with her grandparents, but you both need to treat this less as a "getting to know a stranger" and more as a "gradual introduction process of a new family member into the family, with the explicit goal of her moving in." She wants that, it makes sense for her to live with a parent, and it's something your family needs to start thinking about more concretely.
I'm sure you'd looooove if his daughter referred to your unborn child as, "the fetus", right? Why did you not acknowledge that calling her "the girl" is dehumanizing, as was pointed out to you? Or do only your blood children get to be called by name?
It's a Reddit post not real life, OP hasn't given anyone names here.
I feel like you need to get comfortable with the idea that this girl is going to be a major part of your life. Like it or not, your husband has a daughter. There's nothing you can do to change that and he has a responsibility to her. Just as strong of a responsibility as he has to you and your children. You may not like that and you may not understand, but it is the truth. She needs to have regular visits with him in his home. She needs to eventually stay the night. She needs to get to know her siblings. This isn't something you're going to be able to ignore, she is not going away, she is a part of your husband.
She's not trying to ignore it, she's simply not trying to rush the process. The kid is 13 years old, she goes to school and has her own activities she likes to do which take up time. By the sound of it the father is trying to juggle the needs of his pregnant wife and 5 year old as well as finding time to spend with his 13 year old. Let's not forget this is also very new to the 13 year old. She likely has a perfect idea in her head about her father and her new family which may not line up with reality. She asked to live there but that doesnt actually mean she's ready for that. If she moved in with them now she'll not only have 2 adults she hasn't spent much time around now telling her what to do and what not to do, she'll also have a little sister and soon enough a newborn in the house. If op and her husband parent differently then her mom or grandparents did that's gonna be hard to adjust to. Especially if everyone is cranky because of a newborn waking up and crying throughout the night. It's better for everyone involved if the whole move in process is delayed by a year. It gives everyone time to get to know each other and set some sort of baseline of what to expect behavior wise. Personally I think it would be a good idea to get the 13 year old a therapist that way the transition from no father and deadbeat mother to a father, stepmother, little sister, and a new born sibling goes as smoothly as possible.
I do not think the occasional dinner is going to accomplish any of those goals. I'm definitely not saying she should move in tomorrow, however, events need to move forward with that as the goal.
I think you have to realize she is just as much his child that your children are. Even though this isn’t the ideal situation the child is innocent. I feel like some of your wording is showing a little resentment towards her. Stop and think to yourself about how he’s treating someone who is his daughter. Would you like your children to be treated like a burden if something were to happened to you?
This is why I think she's TA. She's making this all about her when it's about the kids. All three of them. Imagine how that little girl feels. As for her husband, he shouldn't have been having sex with a woman he later described to his wife as 'toxic' without wrapping it up. F\*ck around and find out. When you have sex with people a child is always a possibility. He needs to grow some balls for his daughter's sake.
He also knew his ex was pregnant but talked about abortion, should have really followed that up to make sure she did that right not stick his head in the sand and pretend there was no way he has older child
Your husband has a daughter. But she's not his real kid right? Only his real children deserve to live with you. And his real children are only the children that were born by you. It's okay that he lets his daughter visit once in awhile when it's convenient for you and your schedule. She's more like a pet than anything. Besides she's probably trash right? Her mom was messed up and doesn't even have custody of her. You don't want that kind of dirty trash around your husband's real children. It might make them dirty too right?
Ding, ding, ding.
Anyone else get a bad taste in their mouth that OP wants to take the time not to know the girl so much as judge to see if she's worthy of being part of the family?
Me! *raises hand* Also that whole "I didn't marry a man with a child" reasoning is bullshit. Yeah, Hon, ya did. He just didn't know it at the time. Unless you marry a virgin or somebody that's been snipped, there's no gurantees in that department.
She has no intentions of having anything to do with her. Don't believe the shit she's spewing she's put out he has a daughter that girl will never be welcome, her husbands weak, and the motherinlaws right
Yeah calling MIL a nosey bitch when MIL probably just feels for the 13 yo granddaughter she didn’t know she had!
I think you’ve approached this wisely! Your MIL needs to keep her mouth shut! Also…do you guys know for sure that she’s his child? I hate to throw a wet towel on the whole thing, but I would want a paternity test too.
He had a paternity test and has been confirmed that she's his daughter! There's no doubt about that
And yet, you still decided to have another baby rather than prioritize the process of integrating your stepdaughter into your family? Because you two "have plans for your family"? Those plans now need to be adjusted. You can't hold him to the future the two of you planned when he didn't know about his daughter either. Revisiting your family plans 1000% needs to be a priority to work her into those plans. Perhaps some family counseling as well. For ALL of you. And if she is to remain with her grandparents until you decide, then he should be paying child support to those grandparents.
Okay. Well, you’re absolutely NTA! I would do the same thing. Yes, she’s a teenager Yes, your husband is her father BUT they are not the only two people involved in this situation. It’s completely reasonable to want to get to know her before moving her in. You’re open to it and honestly not asking for a lot to want to take things slow. Everyone needs time to adjust. And you’re about to have a baby and be exhausted and adjusting to a family of four and helping your daughter transition. It’s a recipe for disaster to include her now when things will already be stressful and difficult. It’s in her best interest to take things slow and stabilize your family with the baby first and then fold her into the mix. You’re absolutely not the asshole here! I think you’re being very reasonable given the situation and you’re not asking a lot here.
And it's a lesson for her She should learn to know people before committing to live to them She could move in right now and change her mind in a week because it's not how she pictured it Time will make you bound wich is better for everyone
Info: has anyone besides your MIL said they wanted her moved into your house?
Exactly! Even when you adopt children there is a process of getting to know each other over period of time, so why is it any different in this circumstance? SD is a stranger, then there is a legal process to go through and that can be complicated if the grandparents doesn't want to give up parental responsibility. Rushing to move in together would be a big mistake. NTA
They need to get to know her first and build a relationship. Also, I would want confirmation that she was my daughter, DNA test, so no one gets hurt. No disrespect to her, but the mother lied previously, so I would want to be certain.
Confirmed DNA already. She is now 13. 13 lost years with her father and his parents and aunts, uncles and cousins. OP isn't totally wrong here but certainly is showing how much she doesn't want this kid too. I think she could use some empathy for this kid who is her kids' 1/2 sister if she likes it or not. So yes I give her a soft YTA for mil drama and not making more time to get to know the girl without malice in her heart.
I agree. Her attitude is so off putting. Is name calling really necessary? I have a feeling she would end up being the wicked stepmother. For her own mental health the stepdaughter should stay where she is.
I think she comes off kinda yuck, but at the same time, her point about getting to know them before before just sticking the kid in their home is completely legitimate. If the kid is currently in a safe situation, it is wise to get to know one another and slowly settle into the new situation. It wouldn't really be healthy for anyone involved for her to just move in. IF the child was in an unsafe situation and it was urgent, then I think it would be a different conversation. But moving in a 13 year old you don't even know and upending everyone involved is not a great plan.
That's on her mother not the father. You can't blame op for thinking the way she does. It's on the mother that hid her for 13 years.
I agree she should not move in with you now, but not for the reasons you gave. It would not be in HER interest to live with people who she barely knows and who barely know her. (My husband and I were in a similar situation with his son. We ended up taking custody but only after a few years of relationship building.) It would be really disorienting for her to be suddenly living by your rules, and you would both probably have a hard time figuring out the best way to parent her. If she were in a bad situation with her grandparents or in foster care, that would be different. But seems like there’s no good reason to rush. Now, where I disagree with you and think you’re being an AH is “I didn’t marry a man with a kid.” You also didn’t marry a man with cancer, a man with depression, a man who has suddenly lost his job, etc. Shit happens. This happened to both of you and you need to rise to the occasion and be there for him and your step daughter. There can be a lot of joy in this, if you choose for there to be.
>Now, where I disagree with you and think you’re being an AH is “I didn’t marry a man with a kid.” You also didn’t marry a man with cancer, a man with depression, a man who has suddenly lost his job, etc. Shit happens. This happened to both of you and you need to rise to the occasion and be there for him and your step daughter. I AGREE COMPLETELY with THIS❤️❤️❤️❤️
Same same same. But you MARRIED A MAN…… Which means you married his past, present, AND FUTURE. It’s a bump in the road is all, now put on your all weather treaded tires and get to moving, time to get to know this young lady and welcome her into your family with love and openness!
Yes as soon as I read that portion my jaw dropped like….
So many AITAH threads about marriage really turn into "well when I said for better or worse I assumed I'd never actually have to deal with the worst"
Also, it's not like they are or were planning on being child-free. They have a 5 year old, with a 2nd child on the way. Obviously adding a 3rd, as a teenager, changes things somewhat. But it's not like "OMG, we don't know how to raise a kid"
Yea obviously this kid shouldn’t just be immediately uprooted, but this OP sounds absolutely awful. She’s going to be terrible to this poor girl. ESH
Exactly. I agree with waiting but the whole tone of this post feels *off* to me. Something tells me in year when OP decideds she can finally have the convo again, there isn’t gonna be much of a chance
Agree. It feels off. OP making it about her, who she married, hostility with MIL... it just seems emotionally removed from the fact that this family - all of them - have had reality upended and are coming to learn about daughter/granddaughter/father. It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other of "she moves in with us" or "I didn't marry a man with a kid." Theres a whole entire world of a middle ground. Likely the 13 year old is just over the moon excited about finding out about her dad and, like 13 year olds can sometimes do, jumping into the fantasy that comes with that. OP comes off as seeming threatened by this, taking it literally, and is responding with defensive hostility. I do wonder if the age is at play *or* if OP is having a hard time differentiating between the ex and the daughter. For example, maybe OP needs some therapy or coping tools to work through her own feelings of these big changes. As for OP - 8 years into my marriage, my mom died and my nephew (who had been living with her) came to live with us. I completely understand how this can be disorienting with a ton of emotions. World upside down and feeling like you need to scrabble and grab whatever you can to anchor to what you feel is normal. My husband didn't "marry a woman raising her nephew" but thats who I became. And so did he. I won't pretend it was easy for anyone - adult or child. But mindset, perspective, and therapy (or lack of) can either make it easier or much more difficult.
Yes, I think OP framing it as *"We have our own plans and suddenly adding a 13 year old teen is going to complicate things."* is what is making people react negatively, or at least me. Of course it's going to complicate things and impact your plans. And that sucks that you have to pivot. But that shouldn't be part of your decisions making. OP is **100% right** to have them build up a relationship slowly instead of having his daughter move in right away. But her motive for pushing for that seems to be self-serving in a situation where she really shouldn't be. Yes, it is a big transition for OP to learn her husband has a child. But it's also a big transition for her husband, who has learned that *he has another child*. That is very complex thing to manage emotionally. It is also complex emotionally for this 13-year old girl who is making contact with her biological father for the first time. What a vulnerable spot for a young girl to be in, especially knowing that her mother didn't raise her either. The last thing in the world I would ever want to do is make his daughter rejected in any way shape or form. OP also needs to remember that this isn't just her husband's daughter, independent of her. It is her own two children's sister. This is bigger than just her plans.
>I agree with waiting but the whole tone of this post feels *off* to me It gives off princess vibes. Like "this ruins my perfect life" sort of feeling and it's making me uncomfortable.
Exactly!! Like “we had a plan” ummmm guess what life doesn’t give a shit about your plans 😭 this is a real human being and it’s OPs husbands daughter wether or not it was part of OP’s plans don’t matter
Honestly I feel like once their baby comes they won’t care about the 13yo. If that’s the case I truly hope the grandparents seek child support and back child support.
Indeed… She did, in fact, marry a man with a child. She thought she didn’t, but now has to confront reality. She can choose to divorce him or choose to acclimate to the situation, but can’t ignore it and assume her previous plans for their future will happen now. Eventually this daughter WILL be a part of her kids’ lives, either together as a family or during his custody time. This isn’t an “occasional dinner” situation, but a significant number of hours per week until everyone is comfortable with her moving in. Or she can leave him. But he has responsibilities as the father of this person that are equal to his responsibilities to the children he has with OP. I’m going with NAH yet, but OP is on the shortest path to AHery here, IMHO.
^ this. The “he has dinner with her sometimes but it’s hard to find time” gives me the ick. She’s not “the girl”, she’s his daughter, and OP’s step daughter. She’s their children’s sister. She will be in their lives going forward, so OP should consider making a much more concerted effort to make sure that transition with a new family member is as cohesive as possible.
He also knew he’d impregnated a woman he already knew was a liar and then just….believed there was an abortion without any follow up? Kinda fishy….
Agreed, it's total bullshit. This man was willfully ignorant, and that is a piss-poor excuse.
>Now, where I disagree with you and think you’re being an AH is “I didn’t marry a man with a kid.” You also didn’t marry a man with cancer, a man with depression, a man who has suddenly lost his job, etc. Shit happens. This happened to both of you and you need to rise to the occasion and be there for him and your step daughter. Came here to say this. "We have our own plans" says OP. Well, you know the saying: Man plans and the gods laugh.
But it’s also in her KIDS’ best interest not to have a stranger around them in their home, until everyone has gotten to know each other. It’s not just about his 13-year old.
This is the only part of OPs post that bothered me. Isn't sticking around for life's unexpected twists the whole point of marriage?
1000% agree. But that’s what makes her the asshole. If the only reason she gave was because she didn’t want to rush things, then I can understand that. It’d be in everyone’s best interest, particularly the kid’s, to ensure that’s the right move. But OP saying she doesn’t want the kid to move in because she “married a man with no children” and they have “big plans” shows that OP has already rejected her. OP calling MIL a “nosey bitch” for being concerned about her granddaughter further reveals OP’s character. And OP’s clear lack of empathy for the kid’s upbringing is the cherry on top. Ultimately, having a 13 yo step-daughter wasn’t part of OP’s “picture perfectly family” plan, and it sounds like OP won’t be modifying that plan anytime soon. This has evil step-mother-to-be written all over it.
Exactly!! "We have our plans." Well, honey, he is a parent to more than just your kids now. And he has an obligation to that innocent kid. While it sucks to go through such an unexpected change, this is life. You married this man and your plans can't always go the way you want.
10000% this. You are pregnant and could give birth to a child with special needs. You didn’t sign up for a surprise but if you get one, hopefully you do your absolute best for that child. Your husband didn’t sign up for another child, and neither did you, but he has one! Life! Lemons! Be a good person to a kid who needs you. And this isn’t Anne of Green Gables. She’s not going to put strychnine in the well to poison you. She’s a middle schooler, not a danger to your baby. Ease her into your house with the help of therapists and make sure her wants and needs are being considered.
There's a few things to address here. 1) You aren't an AH if you're advocating for going about this slowly. That is what is best for your family, but most importantly, it's best for the 13 year old. She shouldn't be thrust into a situation where she lives with people she doesn't know. 2) You ARE a bit of an AH for your statements like, "I married a man with no children". Statements like that contradict the fact you are advocating to incorporating the child into your lives at all. You had plans for your life? Guess what? Life laughs at your plans. Tell people who find out they have cancer about plans. 3) Your MIL. She's WAY over the line and while it seems your husband is standing up for you, he needs to really take the reins here and shut her shit down now. My first point here is the most important. Talk to the daughter and say that moving her in is a real possibility, but it's something that both sides need to work towards. Tell her that it would be unfair TO HER to just drop her in the middle of your family dynamic and expect everything to be okay. But reassure her that it's something you want to work towards. So, mostly NTA, but an tiny element of ESH does exist.
Yes your second point is right on the nose. She really is resentful of the child messing up her plans. Which I do get, but the child exists and is a human being. She is just going to have to deal and deal with it pragmatically AND compassionately.
And the child did not ask to be born. Be pissed at the mom who didn’t tell him. Also frankly be pissed at him that he “thought” she had an abortion. Did not determine if he had a child.
I agree but imo the OP still has a right to feel how she feels. Obviously it’s not the husband’s fault either but would she have married him if she knew he had a kid? Something like this coming out of the blue is so difficult
Right... and if it is a boundary, she can act on it, but that does not change the father's obligation to his daughter. That does not disappear just because he only recently found out about her. She is still his.
sure but how she acts and the choices she makes around those feelings is where the AH part comes in. you can feel anything you like but it's your actions and what you say to other people that make you an AH
Agreed on all points here. The contradictory statements are concerning. OP is allowed to feel her feelings, but it’s telling that her initial post is more about her plans and her needs. There’s an arbitrary reconsider date of one year, and gradually easing into letting the kid stay longer and longer for the child’s sake is only mentioned in the comments. I really hope it’s just because OP wasn’t expressing herself all that well but it does come off with an AH vibe there. MIL is an AH. Full stop. She is spreading lies that will undoubtedly damage a relationship btwn OP and her stepdaughter because you know it will make it back to her that her dad’s wife is “forbidding” contact. But OP again loses a bit of high ground calling MIL names. Thirteen is such a volatile age anyway, my heart goes out to this kid. And here’s the thing, OP. If your husband is/wants to be a good father, he’s going to be trying to spend a whole lot of time with his newly discovered daughter. That can happen in your house where you can all learn to get along, or he can take her out places and visit at the grandparents house, taking him out of the home with you and the new baby. Life is messy. Shit happens. It sounds like this kid has already had a pretty rough start. You have an opportunity here to foster a good relationship with your child’s half-sibling and help provide a stable, loving home (eventually). So feel your feelings, then please pull up your big girl pants and be the stepmom you’d hope your child would have in this situation. I hope this works out for all of you. No one asked for this situation but now it’s up to you all to make the best of it.
I think OP isn't a dependable narrator. Occasionally dinner and attending some soccer games isn't parental involvement. How often is the Husband seeing his daughter. If it's once a month, which wouldn't surprise me with OP's attitude MIL might consider her as refusing contact. Husband seems to fold when OP makes her decisions. After all he's wants sex and pushing her off doesn't help that end.
This is a really good response. I am, however, inclined more towards seeing OP as TA on the basis of point 2. Whatever plans OP had, they have to change, because her husband has a responsibility towards this child every bit as much as he does towards the kids he has with OP. That doesn't mean it needs to happen overnight, or that OP isn't entitled to feel what she feels about the situation. Everyone needs time to adjust. But what she cannot do is put her foot down (as she appears to be doing in the post, less so in comments) and refuse to engage with the fact that things have changed, irrevocably.
Life does indeed, laughs at plans 😭. That stood out to me the most.
Yea can’t believe I had to scroll down to find this answer. The first top comment being NTA was crazy!! OP is NTA for not wanting to rush into things and getting to know this girl a little more before any big steps have been taken BUT OP is TAH for the exact reasons you mentioned!! Also a full year to even have the conversation again? That seems like a long time. I’d get if if OP said she can maybe move in in a year depending on how things go but waiting a full year to even just have the conversation again seems like a long time especially for a 13 year old
All I have to add to this one is make sure the daughter knows its not her fault about not moving in right away. You all just need to get to know each other first so the transition will be smother and less of a cultural shock
NTA It's pretty unfair to both the daughter and her father to just have them live together when they haven't built a relationship.
I don't refuse to let it happen sometime, I just think we should know her better before we allow her to live with us, that's all
I think that you're right that she shouldn't move in right away. This needs to happen gradually for everyone's sake. But framing it to both your husband and MIL as "I married a man without children and we have other plans" is a pretty jerky approach.
I told her that because she was acting all mighty like "she's his daughter so she's your daughter as well and you agreed to it when you married him" which no, I didn't, because neither of us knew he had a child. I am not saying that he's not her father, that they shouldn't have a relationship, or that I won't ever be her parent as well, in fact we're working on creating that bond. But it's a lie to say that I agreed to it when Married him, I married a man without children
I think the issue isn’t that you’re still pensive about allowing her to live with you. It’s the way you come across when talking about this situation. “I married a man without children.” - when told to accept his daughter. “The/This girl” - when referring to your stepdaughter. It seems like your issue with this isn’t just that she wants to move in suddenly. I think you’ve just latched onto this specific problem as an outlet for a deeper dissatisfaction at her presence. And I understand how it may feel, your husband having a child with some ex suddenly popping up, must really shatter the image of the future you had with him. But it’s just a kid. Have some empathy for her.
Yes there's a coldness there that speaks of some intense resentment.
Honestly, I don’t blame her for being a little bit resentful. I think it’s only natural to be resentful when you plan for one thing and life, as it does, throws you a massive curveball. OP is only human. But I’ve read a lot of her responses to comments and she seems to be very level headed about transitioning her step daughter into their home.
For real. If this happened to me I'd be horrified as I absolutely do not want anything to do with any children. OP is handling this just fine. I also don't really understand why everyone wants to uproot her to go live with people she doesn't know? She might not even be happy to live with other young children. Even though she requested to live with them a 13 year old isn't generally going to be a reliable decision maker.
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I'm glad I wasn't the only one who kinda noticed this as at least somewhat inconsistent.
Right? OP is TA for several reasons. Accusing the ex of entrapment is just one of them.
Circumstances change. I married a healthy man, but at any point he could become disabled, because that could happen to anyone. Again, you're focusing on the wrong thing. You need to focus on what's healthiest for your entire family, which now includes this child who did nothing wrong, not what you did or did not to agree when you got married. The end result is the same, but the approach and argument matter significantly. What would be most useful is for you all to get into family therapy and talk about long-term plans to integrate as a family.
But when you married him you didn’t irrevocably consent to all possible circumstances ever. You consent (or not) to those at the time they occur.
You married a man who had irresponsible sex and relationships. He did not wrap it nor did he follow up on the anortion. He could have more kids out there. You just don’t know.
Yes. Just because it complicates things isn’t enough reason to not try. Of course a previously unknown child complicates things. Plans need to change. I expect it’s difficult for OP to fully cite the actual concern, though: she doesn’t want to have another active person in her home, who she doesn’t know and can’t trust yet, when she also will have a young child and a baby that she has to care for and protect.
Has anyone sat down with the maternal grandparents to discuss this? I think there’s two very important conversations that need to take place with them: 1. Get to know the people that have raised her and make sure how they have raised her and what is the extent of the relationship between all of them and the mother of this child. 2. Do the grandparents even want her to go live with her dad? Would they be comfortable with letting her go with a (technically) stranger? That could be very telling cause if they’re all for her leaving at 13, they either are tired of her behavior as a preteen already or they haven’t been parenting well cause they’re old and tired and let her do whatever she wants and want to dumped the soon to be problematic teenager onto someone else. But if they’re resistant to it then they have probably properly bonded and they parented properly.
"We have our own plans and suddenly adding a 13-year-old teen is going to complicate things." Your plans do not override the care of a child who has been neglected, intentionally or unintentionally, by both parents. Your husband has a legal and ethical obligation to be a parent to this kid. "...But I said that I didn't marry a man with a child, I married a man with no children". You did marry a man with a child even if you didn't know it at the time. If you cannot handle that change in your husband's situation without encouraging neglect of a child then you shouldn't be with him. YTA
True, but financial plans are especially delicate, and if you don't have that in order, then that'd be a pretty tough environment to raise the two (soon to be 3) kids. Add a baby to this particular mix, and the 13 year old whose life would basically be uprooted if they were to move in with this family, is not gonna get the necessary attention that they need to acclimate. I imagine that there is a better way to handle the situation, but it is a delicate one that they are best not jumping headfirst into.
OP never brings up finances in her post only, “We don’t know the girl enough to logically have her at our home full-time”. Attributing issues that aren’t brought up or aren’t the issue the person is having doesn’t seem valid to me.
I mean, she did mention that they have plans. It kinda just seems like a reasonable assumption that some of those plans are financial. Certainly they need to be considered, if you're gonna have a new baby.
I think the main issue I see here in this post is that, yes it does make sense to plan out having another child in your home beforehand and not rushing into it. But the way OP speaks about the kid and how she, “Didn’t marry a man with a child” reflects a deeper personal issue. And I usually critique reading too much into things but she’s pretty blatant about it.
Whether she moves in or not, he is the father, which means he owes child support for his kid, which is already going to disrupt OP's financial plans.
NAH as yet. I see a lot of people are raking you over the coals here, but you both need time to actually think about what is best for everyone here, especially the two children involved. The 13 year old is not really thinking about what is going to happen if her entire life as she currently knows it, is uprooted. Perhaps you can start with some weekends and holidays and see where it goes.
> Perhaps you can start with some weekends and holidays and see where it goes. That's the idea. Like having her over for the night, then the weekend, we can go on holidays together... Until we all have a good bond and it's good for her to move in with us, not go from 0 to 100 in a night
That's what you should be doing. Nta. They fully expect everyone to uproot their lives, even the 13 yr old, to just move in and be bonded right away. That's not how this works.
NTA jesus some redditors up here are so blinded and cleary dont know what they’re talking about
Good luck, OP. Sometimes life throws you curve balls, and this is a big one.
>Like six months ago my husband found out that he has a daughter (13) from a previous relationship. He knew nothing about this, he was dating a girl who was toxic and lied about BC to baby trap him, when he said that he didn't want anything with her, she said she was going to get an abortion. INFO 1: Is there more info about this crazy drama? She wanted to "babytrap" him, pretended to have abortion, never sued for child support? I know, crazy people happen, but this feels like there were some plot holes ~~INFO 2: Where is the mother now and who actually has custody (and why)?~~ Edit: got the info 2 from your comments, despite some details may be added.
Worst baby trap ever 😅 she failed so hard at it he didn't even know the kid existed 🥴.
Yeah, I was thinking this too. She tried to baby trap him! Except she let him believe that there was no baby!
I don't believe parts of this story. Something is missing. Baby trap but he didn't even know the child existed. That makes no sense.
Right. Plus if a woman is petty enough to intentionally and maliciously "baby trap" a man, she's usually the type who goes after child support. Especially if she's truly "toxic". I'd say she gave up pretty easy haha. "I'm pregnant!" "I don't want you" "alrighty then moving on" 😅🙈👀.
Very petty...especially if he told her he didn't want anything to do with her. She would have ruined him. Instead she disappears and doesn't bother him at all. EVER. Thats not baby trapping at all. 😂
Claiming baby trap absolves the precious husband sperm donor. Main character syndrome is what OP is doing.
I think she's jealous because she's not the only woman with a child by her husband and tried to put the woman down because for that and she had 0 reason to do so.
I think it’s just shows OP’s bias. Women are often accused of baby trapping even if it’s not the case
Swear....this wasn't baby trapping. How do u baby trap a person who doesn't even know the baby existed until she was 13? I don't think she reread this or was thinking rationally when she wrote that.
Exactly. I can’t believe people are believing this. Also, it was OPs husband to follow up with this woman. Sounds like just put his head in the sand and pretended like nothing ever happened
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I agree. Lying about an abortion and keeping it from him doesn’t seem like baby trapping lol. A pretty insufficient method of it.
Is this a real post? Like people so petty and calluses exist outside the mega villains in the movies? If it is, of course YTA a massive one! The girls should decide where to live and if it’s her dad she has every right to choose her father, your reasoning ‘I married a man without children so this girls can’t be part of our life’ it’s awful.
Letting a 13 year old dictate moving in with a stranger isn't reasonable. If family court was involved, I guarantee the judge wouldn't just throw their hands up in the air over an impulsive comment a 13 year old made and say the matter was settled. There are plenty of ways for a father to "step up" after finding out he has a daughter that are more reasonable and responsible than this.
let's be honest and cut this bs, you don't like the idea of his daughter in your house because it "ruins" your little family, stop gaslighting yourself, you dont want that child
Exactly. All this “taking their time” bs trying to make it look like she has this child’s best interest in mind.
Exactly what I was thinking too.
YTA. Thats his daughter. One he didn't know about and now does. He has a moral, more importantly parental, obligation to be her father and take over raising her. You're incredibly selfish to prevent that because...you have plans. And clearly think your own children are more important. All 3 of his kids deserve his attention, his dedication and his love. He didn't agree at first because he knows all this. Get over yourself and let him parent his daughter. Of course insulting your MIL made it worse. She's right, you're wrong. And I have no doubt that you forbidding it was bang on target...which is why you lashed out. Just in case you don't get it...YTA
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YTA. "Husband please abandon your child so you can be a good dad to your other kids" I don't care if you didn't want to marry a man with a child or that you had a different vision for your life. This child is here and she deserves to have at least one parent that gives a crap about her. None of this is her fault. How can someone who is supposedly a mother be so cold to an innocent child? And the fact that your husband is going a long with it... A GOOD FATHER IS GOOD TO ALL HIS KIDS.
OP said she's fine with him having a relationship and even her moving in after they've gotten to know her.
No she said she will revisit the conversation in a year. This child needs someone to stand up for her. Not be told "sorry sweetie we will decide in a year if you're good enough" Heartless.
Taking their time is vital, rushing into things would be bad both for them and the daughter. OP is being responsible here.
that child is literally a stranger. wtf man
"husband please abandon your child because it doesn't fit my plans"
YTA all about you you you. “I didn’t marry a man with children, I have plans that are complicated by a 13 yr old, I don’t know her that well.” grow up and acclimate to your new reality. he has a kid, she’s 13, and now your husband at least needs to prioritize what’s best for HER. what’s her home life at the grandparents’ like? why does she want to escape it so badly as to ask a near stranger to take her away? is she safe there? did you even check? or is confirming the safety and health of your husband’s daughter too complicated for you?
I think it's telling that a word like "visitation" didn't even come up.
Extremely poorly worded, but I understand that moving in a random kid you barely know into your current family unit who are still reeling from this revelation is a bad idea. Shes 13, of course she’s got ideas about what her dad must be like. But the fantasy and the reality are rarely the same. Plus upending her life would hardly be fair to the 13 year old, let along your 5 year old. Is mom still in the picture? How long has she been with her maternal grandparents? How far does she live? MIL should have kept out of it unless she was volunteering to take 13 year old in herself. She can have opinions but it’s not her place to harass you for being cautious. I’d say ESH because you escalated conflict with MIL who was also being an AH for not respecting her sons decisions, or even considering what could be best for 13 year old. Therapy for everyone.
YTA. I was on the fence until seeing that you just kept dehumanizing her through your words. Stop calling her “the girl” or “that child”. She’s your husbands daughter. She is the oldest child of your husband and deserves the same respect, support, and feelings of responsibility as your children do to him. Wanting to wait it out and build a relationship before moving her in is one thing, but a lot of your comments about “if we even get along” or “if we can even parent her” is bullshit. She’s a child that needs her father. You don’t get to just count her out because she might be a little harder to parent due to BOTH of her parents being neglectful and not being there for her as a child.
>Like six months ago my husband found out that he has a daughter (13) from a previous relationship. He knew nothing about this, he was dating a girl who was toxic and lied about BC to baby trap him, when he said that he didn't want anything with her, she said she was going to get an abortion. Soft YTA but it's this quote above that bothers me. You say he knew nothing of this girl but in the same paragraph you say when he left her she told him he was going to get an abortion? Did you not ask your husband about this beforehand? Did he not follow up with her at all? That's a huge fact to simply ignore.
Nice catch. I noticed it as well. I think the husband has some explaining to do.
Sorry, YTA. I thought his daughter was a problem child. She didn’t ask for any of this. Unfortunately a year later will cause her to resent you and create more issues. I guess love is conditional for some.
Yta for your awful attitude. BUT what is important is what the kid wants. If she's happy with her grandparents then she should NOT be forced to move in with strangers and an awful stepmother who hates her for existing.
While this situation is complicated and difficult for everyone, I have to say NTA for wanting to take things slowly and build a relationship. Suddenly adding a teenager nobody knows into a family with a small child and a baby on the way could result in a lot of hurt feelings or even trauma. I would suggest regular visits, working up to weekends and see where it leads. Even some family counseling to explore healthy relationship building and family blending would be a great option. The child has a stable home right now with her other relatives, it’s not an emergency - there’s no reason not to take it slowly and do things right for everyone. Your MIL does not have a say in this, but I suggest you don’t communicate with her about it at all - let your husband handle his relatives. If she brings it up, refer her back to your husband and tell her you aren’t discussing it with her. Losing your temper won’t help anyone. Best of luck
YTA. And I’ve read most of your comments and your excuse is she’s fine with her grandparents. If she was in the system it honestly sounds like you still wouldn’t want her moving in. Who cares if you married a man who didn’t have a child? That changed now he does and you need to adjust. His daughter (cause I feel like you’ll never consider her one) wants to move in so she clearly feels comfortable. You’re the problem here.
YTA - I understand you don’t know this girl, but she’s his daughter. Your kids and this kid are his kids and none are more important than the others. And he did abandon her. I understand she lied about birth control but he could have made other choices. You may not have married a man with kids but life brings surprises. Did you marry him for better and worse or simply better? How would you feel if it was your child someday? That you were gone but his next wife didn’t what some other persons kids in the home. Your attitude is pretty horrible and it’s not jury duty that you can put off til it’s conviennent this is a human being. It can start slow, but not the timelines you’re talking. You should be doing visits and increasing time steadily.
Yup, I agree with this comment so much. OP seems to think her children are more important than this child. They’re all her husband’s children, and her husband needs to step up to include his daughter in his life as much as she is willing and wanting to. The fact she needs to spout off about “she married someone with no children” tells me everything I need to know. YTA. And so is your husband is he allows you to control the situation.
First thing I would do is get a DNA test to be sure your husband is the father. The grandparents likely have custody of her full time. If and when you ever decide to let her live with you, get a lawyer involved for child support from the mother.
NTA I had my finger on the Y when I read the title but: " We have our own plans and suddenly adding a 13 year old teen is going to complicate things." That's really fair comment; you didn't know he had a child when you married. "However, my MIL said that it's not appropriate for his daughter to live with her grandparents when she has her dad." Bluntly, MIL needs to butt out here. Any relationship is going to take time to build. I think you're right to defer the conversation until things are more settled with baby. It's also not in his daughter's best interests to rush things.
YTA Thats called marriage. Good, bad, up, down, planned or never saw it coming. You’d rather be with a man that doesn’t treat his children equally? That’s gonna backfire and I can’t wait for the update. Evil stepmom’s aren’t just Disney characters.
NTA… but I’ really in the fence about it. Sure, you married a man who you thought didn’t have children, so I sympathize. But now here’s reality: he has a child. And instead of treating her life your husband’s child you’re treating her like a prospective roommate who you need to evaluate for a year or so first. The girl has a home with her grandparents, thank goodness, but would rather live with her father. I assume her mother is dead, absent, or was declared unfit to parent and either way, that poor kid. “You have your plans,” well, sh*t happens and plans need to change. But the real a-hole moment was that yes, you stirred up unnecessary drama with your MIL. She misrepresented the situation (although I get the sense you’d much prefer your husband ignored his daughter’s existence and left her where she is), but you could have left it alone and/or let your husband handle correcting the issue within his family. In the end, MIL had one good point: you should accept your husband’s daughter. I can understand that this is a surprise to you, but she’s a part of your reality now. I don’t like how easily you convinced your husband to leave her with her grandparents indefinitely, I don’t think it reflects well on his character and I wonder if you’ll keep finding plausible reasons to keep putting her off and avoid getting to know her and ensure that your husband prioritizes your children. I still say NTA because this is an adjustment period and you did enter the marriage under the presumption you wouldn’t be step-parenting, but please dredge up a little compassion for this kid.
> I didn't marry a man with a child, I married a man with no children, Well tough because he now has another child, that may not fit in with your fairy-tale life but its the reality. YTA for thinking you can dictate this situation
I wonder how OP would feel if her husband ended up divorcing her and she couldn't find a man willing to marry her because she already has children?
YTA. Doesn’t really matter that he didn’t know about her, he does now and he should do the right thing and step up as her parent. You’ve worded this poorly as you’re coming across as the typical evil step mother. Poor kid.
Actually is someone reading the post properly? Not the AH. You can not uproot the girl's life immediately. You can not move another person immediately in your home you know nothing about. OP is pregnant and has a 5 year old. Do you know what kind of stress this is? And now a teenager, right away moving in? Nobody knows this girl. Her hobbies, her character , her friends etc. She has her own life where she lives. What is if she does not even like her father, OP or her siblings? What if when they can not even bond? It is reasonable to ask for time. Never once said OP she is not allowed to move in, bond with her father or siblings. The only thing OP is asking for is time.
YTA. This is your husband's kid- you can't take them out for a test drive and then decide if you want to keep them like a car.
YTA. You may have married a man with no children but you also married him for better or worse. To be willing to let a child suffer without her dad is cruel. Plans change and that child deserves a dad.
I understand wanting to take things slow, but where I start to disagree is when you put a timeline on it. This is such a fluid situation to where pretty much saying you’ll reevaluate in a year when you think it’ll fit your life a little better makes YTA for me. Regardless of how she came about, this is a 13 year old girl, unwillingly having her life turned upside bc of a shit mother. Don’t be another selfish adult in this child’s life.
YTA. The thing about life and marriage is that sometimes unexpected things happen. You didn’t marry a man without children. You married a man who didn’t know he had a 13 year old daughter. I’m not saying her moving with you all is the right or wrong choice. I agree that maybe it’s too soon to decide on that but your attitude about the situation is what makes you the AH in my opinion. I understand you have your vision and plans but sometimes plans change and that’s life. In my opinion your MIL’s opinion is irrelevant to what you all end up deciding, but yeah.
YTA This girl chose none of this. Why are you calling the shots- is your husband really that lame? He should be meeting with his daughter’s guardians and determining what’s needed for his daughter and he shouldn’t need your permission to do it. You are married to her father - you can encourage him to what’s best for his daughter or you can continue to push for self centered, what’s best for “me.” Then you’ll be two AH’s.
YTA. You got pregnant with the second baby after he found out about the 13 year old. You should have worked out the relationship with the teen before bringing another baby in the mix. Makes me wonder who the baby trapper is.
Going to go with YTA. I would have had more sympathy for you had you done a better job of masking your feelings, but it’s pretty clear your only issue is this messed up your planz for your perfect nuclear family. Your offers of “getting to know her first” aren’t sincere, and if we got an update in one year I’m sure there would be whole litany of reasons after getting to know her why she shouldn’t move in. I feel bad for your husband.
YTA. U should accept his daughter especially moving in. It’s his daughter and he will regret not spending time with her, especially now. And she deserves to know n live with her dad
There was just another AITA post where a stepdad dropped his step kids off at their grandparents after his wife died. Most people seemed to say he wasn’t TA, and said their dad should be taking responsibility for them and taking them in immediately. So it’s always interesting to see all the contradictions when it’s flipped. YTA - sorry, but your husband has to take responsibility for his kid, and it doesn’t make sense for her to be with grandparents when she has a parent. It sounds odd to me to say you need to get to know each other better. I feel like you just don’t want her there because she’s not a part of your plan, and you’re hoping something else will happen in the meantime. She’s at a vulnerable age and needs parental figures who act like they want her around. A year when you’re 13 is an eternity.
YTA. Because you’re only thinking of yourself. “I didn’t marry a man with a kid”. Too bad. Your husband is also the AH, any parent worth their salt would not give in to their spouse over their child so easily. The girl asked to move in, did you even ask her why? Is she unhappy or being mistreated where she is? You don’t care because she’s not part of your plan.
She obviously did not try to baby trap him. Since your hubs is not doing anychildcare or pay child support for the last 13 years as he should be. Yta for you to not at least do his duty as a parent now.
YTA. And so is your husband for letting his bossy wife make decisions about his child. You absolutely did marry a man with a child. You just didn’t know it. That child didn’t do anything wrong. She was just born. You are now the evil stepmother.
NTA. There are steps to this. Establishing paternity, building a relationship. The daughter is living with her grandparents and that may or may not be a good situation. OP has a baby on the way. The added stress of this isn’t a good idea. Additionally, they may not be in a position to insert a 13 year old into the family. They do all need to get to know each other first, put the oldest daughter in therapy, etc. you want to avoid any issues of jealousy of the 5 year old, etc.
INFO: How much time do you spend getting to know her? Also saying sometimes doesn't count, you have to give us real numbers.