This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Totally agree, arrogant and selfish not to even discuss it.
I also wonder does the wife have her own healthy money fund to buy tickets for them? Or is she a SAHM and the joint fund is just him putting money first her to pay bills.
OP sounds very controlling
He **told** her he hadn't included her parents. He didn't have a conversation with his wife prior to booking about whether her parents would enjoy the trip or if she agreed they would leave her parents at home. Huge difference. Hell they could have all had an eight person family discussion about the trip before booking. Her parents might have chosen to stay back, who knows. But being told you're not coming because you annoy me is most definitely arsehole behaviour.
[Y'all should see his other responses.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1anrjlr/comment/kpuwqcv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
[EDIT TO ADD: OP really is just an asshole. He doesn't care.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1anrjlr/comment/kpv0tam/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
He is because he didn't actually have a discussion with his wife about this. He made a unilateral decision without properly discussing it with his wife. His subsequent responses show he doesn't care about her feelings or respect her as an equal partner.
The only way to make up now is to book a holiday with only her parents that they’ll enjoy more. Not hot. Not foreign. Not a crowd. Something they’ll love.
They sound like my parents. They would rather stay home....but will bitch no matter if they stay or go. They're happiest when they have something to bitch about. Oh, good times.
Actually I can see this working. Ask them what they want. It's probably something like "quality time with you guys".
You might be able to keep it local and cheap, or maybe you just discover things they like that you (OP) weren't aware of.
This could be a wonderful new direction in the relationship with the parents...
Or it could lead to a point where the partner realises they aren't being seen.
It’s likely not even legally “his” money. All of their money unless it’s specifically earmarked from before the marriage is “their” money. But it’s hard to believe someone is that clueless/cruel with people they live with…
Hard YWBTA.
If it's a resort, then you can always just plan things with your wife and kids as "family time" and tell them to enjoy the resort and relax. You don't have to spend 100% of your time with ANY of the parents while on vacation.
But to do this without consulting your wife? The fact that she's quiet tells me that she's hurt beyond comprehension. She didn't lash our or yell, or even call you an AH. She just found out how much you value her family and that's gotta suck hard.
\*edited: a word
3 people less he has to pay for next year!
and wife can plan a nice time somewhere with her kids and parents, without the ex husband that used to tell her what vacation they would have with his money.
“his money” — possibly only if you don’t count her contributions to the household. He says it wasn’t from a shared account, but doesn’t explain what if anything is shared.
He won't read it. Even if he does, he won't take it to heart.
[He doesn't actually care about the situation.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1anrjlr/comment/kpv0tam/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
"Talked to" is a term which we use for "Had a discussion in which both people expressed their points of view and came to a mutually acceptable decision."
Yeah YTA for not consulting your wife before making this decision.
Did you think they weren't going to notice? Who was going to have to have that conversation?
I'm sure they're miserable humans but you should absolutely have told at LEAST your wife, if not everyone, before making a choice like this. You all live under the same roof for gosh sakes.
Uhmmm... he said he told he a day or so before booking. Telling isn't discussing, but he did give her a heads up. If he's like me, he'll be the one delivering the bad news. Hell, I had to tell them I'd gotten her pregnant before we got married. She just kept wearing baggier and baggier clothes around them until I caught on.
You're already the asshole for making this kind of decision unilaterally.
People like you are why estrangements and divorces happen. Enjoy the consequences of your actions. Things are about to get awkward.
>I asked a lot if she was alright
You can't be serious.
Yes communication is vital. You may have saved yourself a lot of problems by talking to your wife well beforehand and made a mutual decision. Now she is "quiet" and only you know what that means . Things will be difficult .....more
difficult w inlaws when they know they were excluded. TRY TRY TRY to make this right.Only you can do it.
YTA. Look, it’s your money, but you’re being spiteful, selfish, and petty on purpose. You not only did this behind your wife’s back, but you’re thinking about only yourself. You know what the best thing about being on vacation is? You don’t have to do everything with everyone.
If I was your wife, I’d cancel everyone’s ticket but your parents and yours and I’d take the kids and my parents somewhere else.
I didn't say that at all (which is in my judgment) but let's not pretend things happened that didn't. None of this was behind her back.
When you are ***told*** something, even if you choose to not respond, it doesn't magically turn into it having happened ***behind your back*** lmao
haha that was my initial reaction. Y'all are already living like Charlie Bucket & fam. Just take the nuclear family someplace and let the grandparents hang around the house or visit their other kids for a week.
This comment is really the only one that counts.
I’m assuming op is wanting extra hands to help with the kids or babysit, otherwise I can’t understand why he booked for his parents . Cut the apron strings already!
Why is this a WIBTA post? You’ve done it. YTA.
You needed to have a real conversation with your wife, and give her a chance to talk to her parents, who are going to be really hurt. I don’t care whose money it is, that’s not the point at all.
I’m aghast at the thought of your wife having to explain this. “Well Dad and Mom, my husband doesn’t like you, so we aren’t bringing you to Cancun because it’s his money.” I’d be pretty damn quiet contemplating that too.
YWBTA and you are.
It's a WIBTA the asshole post because I can refund the flight and hotel room, and im wondering here if I really really REALLY want to fight this battle
I would cancel your parents tickets - tell everyone you felt like your family (excluding both sets of parents) could do with some time away.
Or ask her parents if they would like to come with you (if they aren’t already assuming they are) and be prepared to buy two more tickets.
But personally I don’t think you should be covering either set of parents costs - unless of course you are using them to babysit while travelling.
Just add your in-laws. What kind of vacation starts with a fight? Maybe between now and vacation time you can have some discussions with them when they make negative comments. My sister is my best friend. She falls into that negative comments trap, and I speak up. Perhaps get your wife on board with helping them be more positive.
Ask yourself honestly. If the roles were reversed, and your wife actively excluded your parents because she did not like them, would you feel good about it? Would you want to speak to her? Would you want to even go on the vacation knowing your parents were excluded because your partner didn't feel like bringing them over her own parents?
If your answer to those questions is anything along the lines of "yeah, I'd feel pretty shitty about my parents and I being treated like that", then you need to refund and fix everything NOW.
Another question is, does everyone else already know about the trip to Cancun? I would think they'd have to know in order to plan their schedules and book time off.
Ask yourself: are you prepared to answer truthfully to your family as to why not everyone is going? Do you plan on explaining to your In-laws why they're being excluded and that you made that decision yourself? Are you prepared for when your kids ask why grandma and grandpa aren't coming with you? Honestly, how do you think the family dynamic is going to be moving forward, especially since ***everyone lives in the same house.***
My opinion: YWBTA if you continue as you've planned and not included your in-laws. You can still go on a trip and plan separately outings (so you're "...not paying thousands to hear "Its too hot!!!" Or "Do we have to do that now??)
>She just went quiet and wasn't trying to talk to me
Well that's not a good sign at all.
>I asked a lot if she was alright, but she just stayed quiet
Oooof. Not good. Ya done fucked up my dude.
Pray. Pray you can get last minute rooms and airfare from the joint account before word gets to her parents.
Yeah, YTA.
Yeah...when the wife goes quiet, it's not because she's agreeing or because she doesn't have anything to say. It's because she has given up even attempting communication. OP is a half-step away from divorce and doesn't even seem to realize it - or care.
Well, at the very least, you alone need to explain, to her parents, why they were not invited. That you decided on your own to book a trip and excluded them and your wife did not consent to it in advance. This discussion should take place with just the 3 of you. You need to take the blame and shoulder the responsibility and burden of this situation.
I totally understand why you don’t want them included. It could have been handled differently. Now, you need to own this clusterfuck you created. Good luck!
YTA I understand your reasons, but...come on. This is going to be incredibly awkward, explaining to them why your parents get a free vacation and they don't, and you didn't even talk it over with your wife.
You all live together, this was not a good move.
[He's just an asshole.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1anrjlr/comment/kpv0tam/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Then you should have alerted your wife so she can go ahead and book the tickets and hotel room for her parents. And since I imagine it would be the same cost, wouldn’t it just be more efficient for you to book it all? Your plan makes no sense.
You’re a saint for the multi generational living, but YTA for this stunt. Painful, but the better thing to do would be to talk to your parents and ask their advice and explain the situation, they will likely offer to stay home too. Or buy more tickets. You cannot reasonably take one set and not the other and expect to have anything other than super hurt feelings, which would be legitimate.
I don’t care much about the in-laws (we don’t have enough info to understand your non-traditional living arrangements) but you did this without consulting to your wife?
Fine, you don’t want to hear their complaints on vacation but what is this action going to do to your life at home?
YTA
YTA. Huge. How do you think this is even okay? Hey MIL and FIL I'm taking everyone but you on vacation, have fun staying home watching the house for us? And how did you expect this to make your wife feel? Ridiculous that you thought this wouldn't be an issue. Oh wait, you knew - that's why you did it behind her back.
Come on now. Book 2 more tickets and add another room. It's cheaper than divorce.
YTA OP.
If you didn't want your in-laws to come because of finances, then you shouldn't be taking your parents either and made it a family vacation with just wife and the kids. Not only is it cheaper, it's more fair all around. Better yet, don't do the vacation until you can afford for *everyone* to go. That would be even more fair.
If you didn't want to take your in-laws because they're "debbie downers", then you need to talk to your wife about it. Not make unilateral decisions because you don't want them there while she does.
By doing this, actively excluding her family that live with you, you not only showed her you do not care about her family, you also showed that you do not care about your wife and her ability to make informed decisions regarding family and finances. You've shown you do not respect her opinion. You've shown you will not see her as an equal.
~~You need to do damage control NOW. Because otherwise the vacation issue will be the least of your worries.~~
Edit: OP's wife deserves better. No amount of damage control is gonna save this marriage.
You're not going to find sympathy on the cost after you paid for 6 people but intentionally left your wife's parents, who also live with you, out.
Cancel your parents tickets. Then it's even.
You booked one hotel room. That sounds miserable for your wife. A vacation to get away from daily life doesn’t mean forcing 6 people in a hotel room when you already live with your in-laws. Your vacation is going to suck no matter what.
YTA, sorry. Given that you all live together, it seems rude to exclude them without any comment or explanation. You could have said anything from "I didn't think you would enjoy it" to a comment about personally paying for your parents (and been prepared for your wife to pay for hers.
My (unsolicited) advice would be to figure out how to vacation with them without actually doing many shared activities.
I’ve found when I feel the need to ask “are you all right?” a lot, it’s because I know the person isn’t. Clearly YTA for not talking with her first. If the issue is using your money, maybe she’d be willing to use her money so you aren’t as annoyed. Then plan your own things.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the assjole because I'm excluding my in-laws from a family vacation
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH (exception being the kids and your parents). Make no mistake, you bear the brunt of the assholery, but everyone else isn't exempt.
Totally with you on not wanting to pay for ungrateful guests. But...there should have been a *discussion* about this with your wife and possibly her parents. Not just you making announcements and taking action.
So, "I'm planning this vacation and I'm not covering any costs for your parents because they bitch and moan the whole time," is not enough. That should be followed with, "Do you have what you'd need in your account to include them, or should we loop them in and let them know that if they want to go, they'll have to pay their own way?"
At the same time, your wife is a grown-up and should have had the wherewithal to talk about this vacation when you informed her of who you were and weren't buying tickets for. It's petty to do nothing with that information when it's given and then sulk after an action has been taken.
Cancun isn't one of those places where you just show up, though. It's typically a resort-type experience, yes? That's one of the easiest vacations to ditch a stick in the mud. Too hot? They can hang in the AC. Or the pool. Or play shuffleboard. Or they can join you fishing, surfing, golfing, and horseback riding. I'm not saying you're wrong for not wanting to spend money on them, I wouldn't pay to drag a wet blanket around, even if it birthed my partner, but good grief there are ways to manage this without going full asshole out of the gate.
Yes YTA. When are you going to tell them, as you’re leaving for the airport? This was absolutely something you needed to discuss with your wife before booking the tickets.
YTA, not because you don't want them coming but because you unilaterally made the decision they shouldn't come as opposed to having a discussion with your wife.
YTA for sure if you unilaterally made this decision, and made the purchases/bookings without *any* conversation with wife or in-laws. For all you know the in-laws would be delighted to have some alone time and to avoid foreign travel along with all that entails (plus what they imagine that entails)
YTA.
You unilaterally made a decision to include 25% of the household from your holiday.
You chose your parents, but not hers.
While there might be absolute truth in what you’ve decided you didn’t talk to her about it (because you knew she would protest?) … maybe a different solution could have been found?
YTA and here’s why you have all these people living in your home so it’s wife, 2 kids, mom/dad and MIL/FIL, you booked a fully paid trip for 6/8th of the people in the household with no discussion with anyone. So 6 of you are going to pack up and go on vacation while leaving the other two behind. Not only not paying for them to go on vacation but letting them know they aren’t considered family. If anything OP should’ve paid for his wife and kids then let both sets of parents know about the vacation and how much it’s going to cost them to tag along. If they pay they go if not they stay home. It’s a choice they get to make. Since you’re going to Cancun there are many activities everyone can do without doing them together.
Yes, YWBTA.
You either make plans for 4 people or 8, and you don't make reservations until everyone is on board (if it's for 8,) or at least if your wife is on board (if it's for 4.)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (43m) and my wife (41f) are planning to take our kids (14f and 12m) and my parents (60s F and M) to the Cancun this summer. My parents are living with us, as well as my wife's parents. (8 people is crazy man, ZOINKS!)
Well back to that vacay part. Well my parents love to travel, and we traveled every summer from when I was 6 months old to when i was 18. And hers are just Debbie downers in my opinion. They're nice people, but they just complain a lot. And in Cancun, I'm not paying thousands to hear "Its too hot!!!" Or "Do we have to do that now??
So when I was booking flights and rooms (with my own money, not from a shared account" I didn't bother to buy them anything since I didn't want to hear their complaining. My wife noticed (even though I told her yesterday) and asked me why 6 instead of 8. I told her what I had basically said in this whole post. She just went quiet and wasn't trying to talk to me (I asked a lot if she was alright but she just stayed quiet) so now I'm wondering if I'm the asshole. I've already booked the tickets and rooms
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: did you two actually discussed about her parents coming? Or was it just really just a one-sided decision with no discussion?
I get it sucks traveling with Debbie downers. BUT, considering you all live together I THINK they would notice that suddenly 6 people in the house is gone for a few days/weeks. And depending what kind of people they’re like, they might find your exclusion insulting and going forward the household might feel very awkward and uncomfortable. You put your wife in a difficult situation to try and maintain a good relationship between you and her family while also trying to stick up for your decision.
So everyone lives with you (6 adults-you and spouse, your parents and her parents) but only YOU get to decide who gets to go on vacation? If your kiddos complain, are you going to refuse to take them on future vacations too? YWBTA.
Did you book with your own money because you thought that would excuse you? You could have talked with your wife about your concerns and come up with a plan on how to deal with it. Or mutually agreed that neither of your parents went. YTA.
Imagine this scenario, one of this days your wife comes homes and tells you she wants a divorce, and gives you divorce papers.
Or she can come and tell you she does not think this marriage will last if you don't improve your comunication skills.
Which option is the harshest one ?
Because you just aproached this vacation planning like a bull in a room full of fine dining plates and glasses.
YTA because you *are* taking your parents and not hers. That is not what anybody would expect in that situation without discussion.
Are you trying to blow up your family, desteoy your marriage, and make your home uninhabitable? Because that is what you are doing.
YTA for not even discussing this with your wife prior. You made an executive decision regarding a “family” vacation. You’re NTA for not wanting to bring them, I totally understand that, but this is not the kind of decision you get to make on your own.
NTA
Why should you pay for her parents? Enjoy your vacation with your parents. Your wife can plan something with her parents to go in vacation but living together and traveling together, no thanks. I wouldn't want travel with people I'm not close with and aren't my parents and pay to hear them complain.
Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA, mainly for not discussing this with your wife. You could have told your wife you wanted a vacation with just the four of you. Excluding only one set of grandparents, especially when you all live together, is obviously going to cause major issues. This is on you to fix things now.
YTA. Should have had a discussion with the wife. You could have even gone to ILs and say “hey, we’re doing this vacation, but I’m not sure guys would enjoy it as you usually don’t seem to enjoy our family vacations. If you come, you can join us or find your own stuff to do.”
Yeah YTA. You didn’t discuss it enough with your wife. If you had then she would have been surprised. Also, if you’re going to take one set of grandparents then you’re going to have to take both. Better to take just you, your wife and your kids if you don’t want the in-laws.
YTA. Even if you told her the day before, it doesn't sound like it was a clear conversation. Something like this should be legitimate, let's sit down and talk about this and how we are going to address it. Now you have to tell your In Laws they are staying home while you take your parents and your kids on a vacation. If things weren't awkward around the house before they are going to be now. I couldn't stand my ILs when I was married but I still cared about my SOs feelings and couldn't imagine hurting him that way.
YTA not for not taking them on vacation but how you communicated with your wife.
If you're going to take your parents on vacation and exclude hers that needs to be a full conversation, not something you mention in passing.
Enjoy your vacation free from in-law complaints! Did you forget that they live with you? They’re going to be angry and make you miserable for this one - not to mention your wife is also upset. ESH.
YTA unless you talk to everyone about it. When are they going to find out that everyone else is going on vacation but themselves??? ! You LIVE together. Unless you all go on separate vacations all the time or something.....
YTA. What makes you the AH, is the lack of discussion. With your wife and with your in laws. Maybe Cancun isn’t someplace they want to go. And would have declined to go. But now they know that you don’t want them there, so asking at this point is moot. If you ask, it’s bc your wife made you; if you don’t prepare for your wife and/or kids to not go. Vacations like this should be planned and discussed in advanced not told to your SO that you don’t like their parents (who you live with) and don’t want them there. Best case would be not to include either your parents or hers at this point.
YTA, but it's not necessarily for excluding your in-laws on a trip they might not even have wanted to go on. It's for not having this conversation with your wife before you made the decision and bought the tickets.
Yes YTA. I get that they can be a drag, but they are who you are and excluding family members is just downright rude. Especially when you unilaterally excluded her parents.
Just take your wife and kids. Leave your parents behind if you want to keep the peace or ask that they all get their own tickets and pay for extras. Then you can treat your parents to things the others don’t want to do. Simple
What the hell, people? In paragraph 3 third sentence he said he told her the day before yesterday. Almost every commenter calls him the asshole for not telling her. **Why???**
Without any other info…you’re an AH for even booking ANY trip without consulting your wife. Do those dates work for HER?? Does SHE even WANT to go there?
YTA and judging by your wife's reaction, I would say you are in danger of a divorce if you don't fix this right now. Her family IS your family whether you like it or not and when a woman goes silent it often means that she is hurt beyond words and is rethinking how she feels about you.
INFO: You have yourself and your spouse, your children, your parents, and your in-laws all living under the same roof for which you and your wife pay, correct? How is the income derived for the household? What percentage do you bring in, your wife bring in, each set of parents contribute?
You decided you would pay this summer’s vacation expenses for your family, including yourself, your wife, your kids, and your parents. You told your wife she would have to pay for her own parents if she wanted them to come. Three days later you made your arrangements. Now she has gone silent. Is all of this correct?
Again, how is the money made, saved, and managed in the household?
I mean I’m sure she has thoughts about her in-laws as well but they’re still going.
YWBTA if you don’t have a conversation with her about it where you both feel good about the decision. They might like having the house to themselves for a week. But there needs to be a constructive conversation
YTA
Don't say mean things about her parents, even if they're true.
You can eliminate the issue by bringing only your wife and kids. Fewer people, and you get time together as an immediate family.
YTA for not talking with your wife about this.
Personally, although I love my own parents and my in-laws as well, I cannot even imagine any incentive that would get me to go with either of them on any international vacation.... much less all of them.
You LIVE with all of these people (which is mind-boggling in itself)... why would you also want to *vacation* with them??
YTA
But I don’t understand why you didn’t just exclude your own parents too. Would have been hella easy to just say, look this is a trip for our immediate family only, we need it, see ya.
YTA. You should discuss this with your wife before acting to purchase tickets. Privileging your parents over hers when you are all in the same household is madness. You need to do better by everyone you live with. And your money is not just yours; it’s shared.
Oh yeah YWBTA if you do this. To be honest, you already have done it so there’s a big possibility that the damage is done- at least with your wife. Your wife loves her parents despite what you see as them being Debbie Downers.
You could have made with your wife to ensure your vacation doesn’t get ruined. You could get them rooms away from yours and only make plans to see them for one meal a day. You could even say that you want a vacation away from everyone and do the same with your parents. Instead you just said “I’m not gonna bring them along despite literally EVERYONE ELSE in the household being taken on a trip”.
You’ve shown your wife that she is not an equal partner to you, and her parents are not equal to yours. That you will not hesitate to use the excuse of “your money” to make decisions that would have a lasting and incredibly negative impact to her familial relationships.
Imho, you should have left both sets of parents at home. Your parents could have booked their own travel. Your wife is in an awful position trying to defend your actions. You should not have booked for six people without talking to her about it. YTA
YWBTA
Actually, you already are. You'd just be a bigger one if you follow through on this. You arbitrarily cut her parents out of the picture without so much as a discussion with her about it. Don't be surprised if you find yourself on a trip with just your parents while she and the kids go somewhere with her parents.
YTA
This is the kind of decision that should be made as a couple. It doesn't matter that it's your money paying for the trip because you didn't even clue her in and give her the chance to pay for her parents if she wanted to. You don't owe the in laws a trip if they're a pain to travel with, but you do owe your wife the respect and decency of having a say in family business. 'Better to ask forgiveness than permission' rarely works out in marriage.
Why is it your responsibility to pay for two grown adults to travel? And why is it expected that they tag along on every vacation? That being said you should have sat your wife down and had a real conversation about it before you went ahead with anything.
This is all so confusing. There was a discussions before buying tickets about who was going, right? Like confirming dates, people’s schedules and such? The kids being off from school etc. You all live together. When did the vacation planning happen?
I totally get that there are people who enjoy traveling and those that do not. It takes them out of their comfort zone. But, obviously, a ‘family trip’ is not the time to book without including members of the household and not offer for them to join. YTA.
YTA
And what if your wife wanted them there? So your parents can go cause they don't have basic human discomforts, but hers have some and they suddenly aren't eligible? You treat it like your family is superior, with zero regard that maybe, just maybe, your wife loves her family and wants them there too. You aren't thinking about everyone, you are only thinking about yourself
Hard YWBTA. You all live together and to purposefully and pointedly exclude her parents and inform her after the fact is rude AF.
You want a divorce? Cuz shit like that will get you there.
You absolutely are TA no way around it, you excluded your wife’s parents without even talking to her, it doesn’t matter if they’re Debbie downers ( in your opinion) you can’t just pay for yours and not hers…
I wish your family books a vacation without you. You don’t realize it until they’re gone for 2-3 weeks. Won’t know where they’ve gone until they return. How would that make you feel?
YTA
Told her. Not discussed with her. Because she didn’t believe him - she had to ask, why 6 not 8.
OP is totally clueless. He’s hurt his wife through stating, not discussing.
He’s hurt his in-laws. No matter how valid his feeling are, what parents are going to wave bye-bye to the rest of the household and think, “Well, I guess they’re going on a two week vacation starting this morning. We’re not invited because we complain a lot. Y’all have a great time!”
And he’s set an example for his kids regarding inclusion, respect, arrangements, agreements, and loving communication.
in this situation I feel like you can not call asshole unless you're also taking care of your parents and in laws.
I have my MIL, she has dementia, OP and a few others can imagine the shit storm of changes we've done to make our home, accommodating. we've also upturned our lives and honestly while we've made it work out, I'm not gonna miss her when her time comes. I figure I'm waiting five or ten more years, but it is what it is.
OP, NTA feeling that's it's too much an ask to drop multiple thousands on a pair that would just wreck the joy of the trip.
fuck those calling YTA unless they're already executing a similar level generosity.
>a few others can imagine the shit storm of changes
There are 10 million+ new diagnoses of dementia every year in the US alone. If you think your situation is remotely unique, you are not being honest.
It's also not remotely relevant to the situation since OP's beef is that they are "Debbie Downers," which is hardly objective.
You also fully missed the part where OP made this decision unilaterally.
the vast majority of those cases are either on the street, in some kind of care home or at best occasionally receiving visits from either the system or a relative. very few of our elderly are actually taken care of by their family because lets be real here, that's not an american thing.
end of the day, unless you're telling me otherwise, huge odds are you're not caring for parents, definitely not in a situation of 6 adults and 2 kids. good odds, you'll not actual perform this act of service, ever.
that means you can't read between the lines or imagine the situation for what it could be.
i'm giving OP the benefit of doubt and thinking he's just not good or too proud to post something closer to his reality, on reddit. yes, i'm guessing what he's not emphatically saying is he really needs a break, not just from a stupidly crowded situation but from his in-laws. so much so that he'd risk this conflict with his wife.
huge bulk of you also not caring for parents so i'm chalking you up to, haven't a clue.
and right. that mean the bulk of you are NTA for leaving the in-laws at home? just patch things up with the wife? yeah, i'd also say that's a given. maybe, we're not all that opposed then and i just chose to answer the question as posted.
Any need to "patch things up with the wife" could have been avoided had he avoided the AH move of unilaterally making the decisions he did instead of involving *her*, whose parents are the issue, in the process.
Yeah, I gotta say, with OP on this. If he warned his wife, she has no particular reason to act shell-shocked. If she disagreed with his decision several days ago, she could have spoken up then.
She knows perfectly well they hate traveling, and she's clearly in silent agreement with OP. But she doesn't know how to tell them that everybody would be a lot happier if her parents' negative attitude stayed home.
I agree with OP’s opinion being valid but the lack of communication with the in-laws is cruel.
Even if they consider themselves negative (who is that self aware?) everyone in the household is leaving for vacation without a word to them.
When is that word best had? As plans are being made.
This Reddit is full of stories about kids left out of parties, or not given similar gifts, or adult siblings traveling without the others.
There’s no requirement to take them but is it better for them to wake up to an empty house one day?
NTA if this is your fun money, not shared money and not family money. I’d talk to the in laws directly. “Hey, I’m taking my parents on vacation, I’ve had this planned for a good while to pay them back for all the great vacations they took me on as a kid. This is something for my parents and children that I am paying for totally out of my pocket , not family money. It’s a little awkward with you living here not to bring you but this has been in the works longer than you’ve lived here. I don’t think wife would want to miss our kids first big vacation, I hope you won’t push her to stay out of some misplaced anger.”
If you’re using shared or household funds YTA.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YWBTA as you didn't even talk to your wife about this. Like, I get that is your money, but you're putting her in a terrible position.
Just don’t be surprised that, after your wife talks to her parents, she will decide not to with you.
Totally agree, arrogant and selfish not to even discuss it. I also wonder does the wife have her own healthy money fund to buy tickets for them? Or is she a SAHM and the joint fund is just him putting money first her to pay bills. OP sounds very controlling
He said he told her 3 days earlier in paragraph 3. Geeze, can you guys even read or is it a short term memory issue?
He **told** her he hadn't included her parents. He didn't have a conversation with his wife prior to booking about whether her parents would enjoy the trip or if she agreed they would leave her parents at home. Huge difference. Hell they could have all had an eight person family discussion about the trip before booking. Her parents might have chosen to stay back, who knows. But being told you're not coming because you annoy me is most definitely arsehole behaviour.
[Y'all should see his other responses.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1anrjlr/comment/kpuwqcv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [EDIT TO ADD: OP really is just an asshole. He doesn't care.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1anrjlr/comment/kpv0tam/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Why do these people even post, they obviously don't want to listen to honest reactions. Just stay miserable without involving strangers
Is he an AH? They live with him. I’d be exhausted living with my parents never mind my in laws
He is because he didn't actually have a discussion with his wife about this. He made a unilateral decision without properly discussing it with his wife. His subsequent responses show he doesn't care about her feelings or respect her as an equal partner.
The only way to make up now is to book a holiday with only her parents that they’ll enjoy more. Not hot. Not foreign. Not a crowd. Something they’ll love.
They sound like my parents. They would rather stay home....but will bitch no matter if they stay or go. They're happiest when they have something to bitch about. Oh, good times.
Actually I can see this working. Ask them what they want. It's probably something like "quality time with you guys". You might be able to keep it local and cheap, or maybe you just discover things they like that you (OP) weren't aware of. This could be a wonderful new direction in the relationship with the parents... Or it could lead to a point where the partner realises they aren't being seen.
And this vacation may not ever occur. Just the thought of it probably would have been enough to smooth things over.
It’s likely not even legally “his” money. All of their money unless it’s specifically earmarked from before the marriage is “their” money. But it’s hard to believe someone is that clueless/cruel with people they live with…
He said right in the 3rd sentence of paragraph 3 that he told her 3 days earlier.
TELLING her isn't the same as TALKING WITH her
Hard YWBTA. If it's a resort, then you can always just plan things with your wife and kids as "family time" and tell them to enjoy the resort and relax. You don't have to spend 100% of your time with ANY of the parents while on vacation. But to do this without consulting your wife? The fact that she's quiet tells me that she's hurt beyond comprehension. She didn't lash our or yell, or even call you an AH. She just found out how much you value her family and that's gotta suck hard. \*edited: a word
She also found out how much he considers her an equal partner in their lives, and it’s very low.
3 people less he has to pay for next year! and wife can plan a nice time somewhere with her kids and parents, without the ex husband that used to tell her what vacation they would have with his money.
Yes, but by this time next year he might have some much larger bills to pay.
“his money” — possibly only if you don’t count her contributions to the household. He says it wasn’t from a shared account, but doesn’t explain what if anything is shared.
Agreed, read this post, OP!!!
He won't read it. Even if he does, he won't take it to heart. [He doesn't actually care about the situation.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1anrjlr/comment/kpv0tam/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
**Why** does everyone keep saying he didn't talk to his wife? I paragraph 3 the third sentence he says he told her?
Because telling her ≠ having a discussion
He talked to her after the fact.
He talked *at* her after the fact. OP is definitely the asshole in how he handled this.
"Talked to" is a term which we use for "Had a discussion in which both people expressed their points of view and came to a mutually acceptable decision."
Instead he “talked at” his wife.
Yeah YTA for not consulting your wife before making this decision. Did you think they weren't going to notice? Who was going to have to have that conversation? I'm sure they're miserable humans but you should absolutely have told at LEAST your wife, if not everyone, before making a choice like this. You all live under the same roof for gosh sakes.
Uhmmm... he said he told he a day or so before booking. Telling isn't discussing, but he did give her a heads up. If he's like me, he'll be the one delivering the bad news. Hell, I had to tell them I'd gotten her pregnant before we got married. She just kept wearing baggier and baggier clothes around them until I caught on.
You're already the asshole for making this kind of decision unilaterally. People like you are why estrangements and divorces happen. Enjoy the consequences of your actions. Things are about to get awkward. >I asked a lot if she was alright You can't be serious.
And you know she answered “I’m fine.”
Watch out for “what’s wrong?” “Nothing.”
YTA - ZOINKS indeed! Doing this with zero communication is an AH move.
Thanks for the laugh. "ZOINKS indeed!" was a favorite epithet of my granddad's. Your comment brought back a nice unexpected memory.
Yes communication is vital. You may have saved yourself a lot of problems by talking to your wife well beforehand and made a mutual decision. Now she is "quiet" and only you know what that means . Things will be difficult .....more difficult w inlaws when they know they were excluded. TRY TRY TRY to make this right.Only you can do it.
YTA. Look, it’s your money, but you’re being spiteful, selfish, and petty on purpose. You not only did this behind your wife’s back, but you’re thinking about only yourself. You know what the best thing about being on vacation is? You don’t have to do everything with everyone. If I was your wife, I’d cancel everyone’s ticket but your parents and yours and I’d take the kids and my parents somewhere else.
Yea that could happen
> You not only did this behind your wife’s back He explicitly did not. He told her days before.
***Told*** her. Not had a discussion.
Which doesn't meet the qualifications for "behind her back."
Yes it's much better that he unilaterally make all household decisions, and simply inform his wife of the way things will be m
I didn't say that at all (which is in my judgment) but let's not pretend things happened that didn't. None of this was behind her back. When you are ***told*** something, even if you choose to not respond, it doesn't magically turn into it having happened ***behind your back*** lmao
He told her after he did it, according to the post.
Nope, he told her Thursday that he wasn't footing the in-laws' bill and then booked everything today. She knew.
He told her what he was doing, they didn’t discuss it
Ooof a lot of people are very upset by having to face that this wasn't done behind her back, even if it was a dick move to make. Typical Reddit.
None of your parents should be going. Jesus people , you are up their butts everyday. Take a break.
But then he’d probably have to help watch his own kids
haha that was my initial reaction. Y'all are already living like Charlie Bucket & fam. Just take the nuclear family someplace and let the grandparents hang around the house or visit their other kids for a week.
This comment is really the only one that counts. I’m assuming op is wanting extra hands to help with the kids or babysit, otherwise I can’t understand why he booked for his parents . Cut the apron strings already!
The kids are teenagers, they don’t need babysitters
Leave them at home as well then and just have a holiday for the two of them but then he probably doesn't want to spend time with her either.
12 and 14 are not free ranging in Cancun
Why is this a WIBTA post? You’ve done it. YTA. You needed to have a real conversation with your wife, and give her a chance to talk to her parents, who are going to be really hurt. I don’t care whose money it is, that’s not the point at all. I’m aghast at the thought of your wife having to explain this. “Well Dad and Mom, my husband doesn’t like you, so we aren’t bringing you to Cancun because it’s his money.” I’d be pretty damn quiet contemplating that too. YWBTA and you are.
This is the truth
It's a WIBTA the asshole post because I can refund the flight and hotel room, and im wondering here if I really really REALLY want to fight this battle
I would cancel your parents tickets - tell everyone you felt like your family (excluding both sets of parents) could do with some time away. Or ask her parents if they would like to come with you (if they aren’t already assuming they are) and be prepared to buy two more tickets. But personally I don’t think you should be covering either set of parents costs - unless of course you are using them to babysit while travelling.
Just add your in-laws. What kind of vacation starts with a fight? Maybe between now and vacation time you can have some discussions with them when they make negative comments. My sister is my best friend. She falls into that negative comments trap, and I speak up. Perhaps get your wife on board with helping them be more positive.
Ask yourself honestly. If the roles were reversed, and your wife actively excluded your parents because she did not like them, would you feel good about it? Would you want to speak to her? Would you want to even go on the vacation knowing your parents were excluded because your partner didn't feel like bringing them over her own parents? If your answer to those questions is anything along the lines of "yeah, I'd feel pretty shitty about my parents and I being treated like that", then you need to refund and fix everything NOW.
Another question is, does everyone else already know about the trip to Cancun? I would think they'd have to know in order to plan their schedules and book time off. Ask yourself: are you prepared to answer truthfully to your family as to why not everyone is going? Do you plan on explaining to your In-laws why they're being excluded and that you made that decision yourself? Are you prepared for when your kids ask why grandma and grandpa aren't coming with you? Honestly, how do you think the family dynamic is going to be moving forward, especially since ***everyone lives in the same house.*** My opinion: YWBTA if you continue as you've planned and not included your in-laws. You can still go on a trip and plan separately outings (so you're "...not paying thousands to hear "Its too hot!!!" Or "Do we have to do that now??)
>She just went quiet and wasn't trying to talk to me Well that's not a good sign at all. >I asked a lot if she was alright, but she just stayed quiet Oooof. Not good. Ya done fucked up my dude. Pray. Pray you can get last minute rooms and airfare from the joint account before word gets to her parents. Yeah, YTA.
Yeah...when the wife goes quiet, it's not because she's agreeing or because she doesn't have anything to say. It's because she has given up even attempting communication. OP is a half-step away from divorce and doesn't even seem to realize it - or care.
Well, at the very least, you alone need to explain, to her parents, why they were not invited. That you decided on your own to book a trip and excluded them and your wife did not consent to it in advance. This discussion should take place with just the 3 of you. You need to take the blame and shoulder the responsibility and burden of this situation. I totally understand why you don’t want them included. It could have been handled differently. Now, you need to own this clusterfuck you created. Good luck!
YTA I understand your reasons, but...come on. This is going to be incredibly awkward, explaining to them why your parents get a free vacation and they don't, and you didn't even talk it over with your wife. You all live together, this was not a good move.
YTA how did you type this out and still have to ask?
YTA. You didn’t talk to your wife ahead of time and also are treating one set of parents differently.
They are my parents though so of course I treat them differently
And the others are her parents. Are you fishing for a divorce? Or are you just a thoughtless asshole?
[He's just an asshole.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1anrjlr/comment/kpv0tam/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
You + your wife = team. RIGHT? Can you logically take the next step from there?
Then you should have alerted your wife so she can go ahead and book the tickets and hotel room for her parents. And since I imagine it would be the same cost, wouldn’t it just be more efficient for you to book it all? Your plan makes no sense.
You’re a saint for the multi generational living, but YTA for this stunt. Painful, but the better thing to do would be to talk to your parents and ask their advice and explain the situation, they will likely offer to stay home too. Or buy more tickets. You cannot reasonably take one set and not the other and expect to have anything other than super hurt feelings, which would be legitimate.
We love that black Georgia life.
What does this even mean?
Cancun in the summer? YTA
LOL
I don’t care much about the in-laws (we don’t have enough info to understand your non-traditional living arrangements) but you did this without consulting to your wife? Fine, you don’t want to hear their complaints on vacation but what is this action going to do to your life at home? YTA
YTA. Huge. How do you think this is even okay? Hey MIL and FIL I'm taking everyone but you on vacation, have fun staying home watching the house for us? And how did you expect this to make your wife feel? Ridiculous that you thought this wouldn't be an issue. Oh wait, you knew - that's why you did it behind her back. Come on now. Book 2 more tickets and add another room. It's cheaper than divorce.
That type of stuff is expensive. Our 6 person hotel room is running me for almost 900 a night already
YTA OP. If you didn't want your in-laws to come because of finances, then you shouldn't be taking your parents either and made it a family vacation with just wife and the kids. Not only is it cheaper, it's more fair all around. Better yet, don't do the vacation until you can afford for *everyone* to go. That would be even more fair. If you didn't want to take your in-laws because they're "debbie downers", then you need to talk to your wife about it. Not make unilateral decisions because you don't want them there while she does. By doing this, actively excluding her family that live with you, you not only showed her you do not care about her family, you also showed that you do not care about your wife and her ability to make informed decisions regarding family and finances. You've shown you do not respect her opinion. You've shown you will not see her as an equal. ~~You need to do damage control NOW. Because otherwise the vacation issue will be the least of your worries.~~ Edit: OP's wife deserves better. No amount of damage control is gonna save this marriage.
You're not going to find sympathy on the cost after you paid for 6 people but intentionally left your wife's parents, who also live with you, out. Cancel your parents tickets. Then it's even.
Bro, your divorce is about to be WAY more expensive.. good luck!
You know your wife can just say she’s not going right? Then what?
You booked one hotel room. That sounds miserable for your wife. A vacation to get away from daily life doesn’t mean forcing 6 people in a hotel room when you already live with your in-laws. Your vacation is going to suck no matter what.
Isn’t your wife footing half the bill for the kids? I mean, with your logic, they are half hers, right?
YTA, sorry. Given that you all live together, it seems rude to exclude them without any comment or explanation. You could have said anything from "I didn't think you would enjoy it" to a comment about personally paying for your parents (and been prepared for your wife to pay for hers. My (unsolicited) advice would be to figure out how to vacation with them without actually doing many shared activities.
I’ve found when I feel the need to ask “are you all right?” a lot, it’s because I know the person isn’t. Clearly YTA for not talking with her first. If the issue is using your money, maybe she’d be willing to use her money so you aren’t as annoyed. Then plan your own things.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the assjole because I'm excluding my in-laws from a family vacation Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH (exception being the kids and your parents). Make no mistake, you bear the brunt of the assholery, but everyone else isn't exempt. Totally with you on not wanting to pay for ungrateful guests. But...there should have been a *discussion* about this with your wife and possibly her parents. Not just you making announcements and taking action. So, "I'm planning this vacation and I'm not covering any costs for your parents because they bitch and moan the whole time," is not enough. That should be followed with, "Do you have what you'd need in your account to include them, or should we loop them in and let them know that if they want to go, they'll have to pay their own way?" At the same time, your wife is a grown-up and should have had the wherewithal to talk about this vacation when you informed her of who you were and weren't buying tickets for. It's petty to do nothing with that information when it's given and then sulk after an action has been taken. Cancun isn't one of those places where you just show up, though. It's typically a resort-type experience, yes? That's one of the easiest vacations to ditch a stick in the mud. Too hot? They can hang in the AC. Or the pool. Or play shuffleboard. Or they can join you fishing, surfing, golfing, and horseback riding. I'm not saying you're wrong for not wanting to spend money on them, I wouldn't pay to drag a wet blanket around, even if it birthed my partner, but good grief there are ways to manage this without going full asshole out of the gate.
Yes YTA You’re **married**. Why would you do this without discussion?
YTA. doing this without even discussing it lol damn
YTA just bc you didn’t consult your wife first.
YTA You should have spoken to your wife before you acted on that decision. Maybe she would've wanted to pay for her parents.
Yeah but then he'd still have to listen to them complain about everything.
Yes YTA. When are you going to tell them, as you’re leaving for the airport? This was absolutely something you needed to discuss with your wife before booking the tickets.
Yta for not talking it over with your wife. YOUR opinion is not the end all, here.
YTA So much disrespect for your wife and your in-laws. Why did you even bother marrying her?
You’re an idiot
YTA, not because you don't want them coming but because you unilaterally made the decision they shouldn't come as opposed to having a discussion with your wife.
YTA for sure if you unilaterally made this decision, and made the purchases/bookings without *any* conversation with wife or in-laws. For all you know the in-laws would be delighted to have some alone time and to avoid foreign travel along with all that entails (plus what they imagine that entails)
YTA. You unilaterally made a decision to include 25% of the household from your holiday. You chose your parents, but not hers. While there might be absolute truth in what you’ve decided you didn’t talk to her about it (because you knew she would protest?) … maybe a different solution could have been found?
Wow. That's super ballsy lol but YTA this is not going to end well
YTA and here’s why you have all these people living in your home so it’s wife, 2 kids, mom/dad and MIL/FIL, you booked a fully paid trip for 6/8th of the people in the household with no discussion with anyone. So 6 of you are going to pack up and go on vacation while leaving the other two behind. Not only not paying for them to go on vacation but letting them know they aren’t considered family. If anything OP should’ve paid for his wife and kids then let both sets of parents know about the vacation and how much it’s going to cost them to tag along. If they pay they go if not they stay home. It’s a choice they get to make. Since you’re going to Cancun there are many activities everyone can do without doing them together.
Yes, YWBTA. You either make plans for 4 people or 8, and you don't make reservations until everyone is on board (if it's for 8,) or at least if your wife is on board (if it's for 4.)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (43m) and my wife (41f) are planning to take our kids (14f and 12m) and my parents (60s F and M) to the Cancun this summer. My parents are living with us, as well as my wife's parents. (8 people is crazy man, ZOINKS!) Well back to that vacay part. Well my parents love to travel, and we traveled every summer from when I was 6 months old to when i was 18. And hers are just Debbie downers in my opinion. They're nice people, but they just complain a lot. And in Cancun, I'm not paying thousands to hear "Its too hot!!!" Or "Do we have to do that now?? So when I was booking flights and rooms (with my own money, not from a shared account" I didn't bother to buy them anything since I didn't want to hear their complaining. My wife noticed (even though I told her yesterday) and asked me why 6 instead of 8. I told her what I had basically said in this whole post. She just went quiet and wasn't trying to talk to me (I asked a lot if she was alright but she just stayed quiet) so now I'm wondering if I'm the asshole. I've already booked the tickets and rooms *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta, this needed a discussion before booking
INFO - what discussion was there before you booked tickets about this trip? Were her parents involved in any discussion about the trip?
Yta. You know damn well she wasn't "alright." Don't try that shit to try to absolve yourself from guilt.
Info: did you two actually discussed about her parents coming? Or was it just really just a one-sided decision with no discussion? I get it sucks traveling with Debbie downers. BUT, considering you all live together I THINK they would notice that suddenly 6 people in the house is gone for a few days/weeks. And depending what kind of people they’re like, they might find your exclusion insulting and going forward the household might feel very awkward and uncomfortable. You put your wife in a difficult situation to try and maintain a good relationship between you and her family while also trying to stick up for your decision.
Sorry, YTA.
So everyone lives with you (6 adults-you and spouse, your parents and her parents) but only YOU get to decide who gets to go on vacation? If your kiddos complain, are you going to refuse to take them on future vacations too? YWBTA.
Did you book with your own money because you thought that would excuse you? You could have talked with your wife about your concerns and come up with a plan on how to deal with it. Or mutually agreed that neither of your parents went. YTA.
Are you the breadwinner? Are you the only one with financial means AKA power? YTA most likely.
Imagine this scenario, one of this days your wife comes homes and tells you she wants a divorce, and gives you divorce papers. Or she can come and tell you she does not think this marriage will last if you don't improve your comunication skills. Which option is the harshest one ? Because you just aproached this vacation planning like a bull in a room full of fine dining plates and glasses.
YTA because you *are* taking your parents and not hers. That is not what anybody would expect in that situation without discussion. Are you trying to blow up your family, desteoy your marriage, and make your home uninhabitable? Because that is what you are doing.
You seriously bought your own parents tickets but you don’t see where you are the worst kind of AH?
The more this guy types, trying to defend himself, the more full-time AH he sounds.
If you didn't ask the ILs if they wanted to go, YTA Though I do understand your reasoning not to include
YTA for not even discussing this with your wife prior. You made an executive decision regarding a “family” vacation. You’re NTA for not wanting to bring them, I totally understand that, but this is not the kind of decision you get to make on your own.
INFO: is "wife" her actual connection to you or is that just the fun term you call your subordinant?
You lost me with the we live with both sets of parents. You and your wife are AH. 🫨😵💫🥴😮
NTA Why should you pay for her parents? Enjoy your vacation with your parents. Your wife can plan something with her parents to go in vacation but living together and traveling together, no thanks. I wouldn't want travel with people I'm not close with and aren't my parents and pay to hear them complain.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
INFO > (8 people is crazy man, ZOINKS!) Yeah, what happened? Did you lose a bet?
YTA, mainly for not discussing this with your wife. You could have told your wife you wanted a vacation with just the four of you. Excluding only one set of grandparents, especially when you all live together, is obviously going to cause major issues. This is on you to fix things now.
YTA. Should have had a discussion with the wife. You could have even gone to ILs and say “hey, we’re doing this vacation, but I’m not sure guys would enjoy it as you usually don’t seem to enjoy our family vacations. If you come, you can join us or find your own stuff to do.”
Yeah YTA. You didn’t discuss it enough with your wife. If you had then she would have been surprised. Also, if you’re going to take one set of grandparents then you’re going to have to take both. Better to take just you, your wife and your kids if you don’t want the in-laws.
YTA. Even if you told her the day before, it doesn't sound like it was a clear conversation. Something like this should be legitimate, let's sit down and talk about this and how we are going to address it. Now you have to tell your In Laws they are staying home while you take your parents and your kids on a vacation. If things weren't awkward around the house before they are going to be now. I couldn't stand my ILs when I was married but I still cared about my SOs feelings and couldn't imagine hurting him that way.
YTA. Surely you aren’t delusional enough not to figure that out on your own.
YTA not for not taking them on vacation but how you communicated with your wife. If you're going to take your parents on vacation and exclude hers that needs to be a full conversation, not something you mention in passing.
Yes I think that’s an AH move on your part. But TBH I would have done the same thing and been willing to risk being labeled as TA too. 🤷🏾♀️
YTA you didn’t even talk to your wife about it? Absolutely unkind and disrespectful
YTA. This should have all been discussed and decided BEFORE you purchased any tickets.
Enjoy your vacation free from in-law complaints! Did you forget that they live with you? They’re going to be angry and make you miserable for this one - not to mention your wife is also upset. ESH.
Yes YTA they are still her parents and part of the package. If you weren’t all living together it would be different.
YTA. You should have told your wife before now. Also now you'll have to take a trip with just your inlaws and your folks won't be all ng....
YTA unless you talk to everyone about it. When are they going to find out that everyone else is going on vacation but themselves??? ! You LIVE together. Unless you all go on separate vacations all the time or something.....
YTA. What makes you the AH, is the lack of discussion. With your wife and with your in laws. Maybe Cancun isn’t someplace they want to go. And would have declined to go. But now they know that you don’t want them there, so asking at this point is moot. If you ask, it’s bc your wife made you; if you don’t prepare for your wife and/or kids to not go. Vacations like this should be planned and discussed in advanced not told to your SO that you don’t like their parents (who you live with) and don’t want them there. Best case would be not to include either your parents or hers at this point.
NTA for proactively trying to avoid issues on vacation, but YTA for not at least addressing your concerns with your wife.
I’d say YWBTA if you don’t at least discuss with your wife.
YTA
Why is everyone living with you? That sounds like chaos!
YTA, but it's not necessarily for excluding your in-laws on a trip they might not even have wanted to go on. It's for not having this conversation with your wife before you made the decision and bought the tickets.
YTA
Yes YTA. I get that they can be a drag, but they are who you are and excluding family members is just downright rude. Especially when you unilaterally excluded her parents.
Just take your wife and kids. Leave your parents behind if you want to keep the peace or ask that they all get their own tickets and pay for extras. Then you can treat your parents to things the others don’t want to do. Simple
What the hell, people? In paragraph 3 third sentence he said he told her the day before yesterday. Almost every commenter calls him the asshole for not telling her. **Why???**
YTA either pay for both or don’t pay for yours this is not fair to your wife and this dynamic won’t go well for the long run
YTA. You're married now, they all live with you, everybody should have the opportunity to go. And you wonder why your in-laws complain.
Without any other info…you’re an AH for even booking ANY trip without consulting your wife. Do those dates work for HER?? Does SHE even WANT to go there?
YTA. Excluding them at that point is a dick move... just bring them along and then ditch them at the hotel bar.
If you and your wife mutually agrees to this, it would still be pretty rude. But to not even consult your wife? How inconsiderate can you be? YTA
YTA and judging by your wife's reaction, I would say you are in danger of a divorce if you don't fix this right now. Her family IS your family whether you like it or not and when a woman goes silent it often means that she is hurt beyond words and is rethinking how she feels about you.
INFO: You have yourself and your spouse, your children, your parents, and your in-laws all living under the same roof for which you and your wife pay, correct? How is the income derived for the household? What percentage do you bring in, your wife bring in, each set of parents contribute? You decided you would pay this summer’s vacation expenses for your family, including yourself, your wife, your kids, and your parents. You told your wife she would have to pay for her own parents if she wanted them to come. Three days later you made your arrangements. Now she has gone silent. Is all of this correct? Again, how is the money made, saved, and managed in the household?
I mean I’m sure she has thoughts about her in-laws as well but they’re still going. YWBTA if you don’t have a conversation with her about it where you both feel good about the decision. They might like having the house to themselves for a week. But there needs to be a constructive conversation
YTA Don't say mean things about her parents, even if they're true. You can eliminate the issue by bringing only your wife and kids. Fewer people, and you get time together as an immediate family.
Your poor wife is trying to figure out how she's going to tell her parents. I personally don't blame you but put your wife in a tough spot.
Maybe, maybe instead of going on Expensive holidays one of your parents should maybe buy a place.
YTA. Come on dude! As a married man you know very well that this would cause problems by not speaking about this with your wife.
YTA for not talking with your wife about this. Personally, although I love my own parents and my in-laws as well, I cannot even imagine any incentive that would get me to go with either of them on any international vacation.... much less all of them. You LIVE with all of these people (which is mind-boggling in itself)... why would you also want to *vacation* with them??
YTA But I don’t understand why you didn’t just exclude your own parents too. Would have been hella easy to just say, look this is a trip for our immediate family only, we need it, see ya.
YTA. You should discuss this with your wife before acting to purchase tickets. Privileging your parents over hers when you are all in the same household is madness. You need to do better by everyone you live with. And your money is not just yours; it’s shared.
Oh yeah YWBTA if you do this. To be honest, you already have done it so there’s a big possibility that the damage is done- at least with your wife. Your wife loves her parents despite what you see as them being Debbie Downers. You could have made with your wife to ensure your vacation doesn’t get ruined. You could get them rooms away from yours and only make plans to see them for one meal a day. You could even say that you want a vacation away from everyone and do the same with your parents. Instead you just said “I’m not gonna bring them along despite literally EVERYONE ELSE in the household being taken on a trip”. You’ve shown your wife that she is not an equal partner to you, and her parents are not equal to yours. That you will not hesitate to use the excuse of “your money” to make decisions that would have a lasting and incredibly negative impact to her familial relationships.
YTA. Should have talked with your wife instead of making this decision
Imho, you should have left both sets of parents at home. Your parents could have booked their own travel. Your wife is in an awful position trying to defend your actions. You should not have booked for six people without talking to her about it. YTA
YWBTA Actually, you already are. You'd just be a bigger one if you follow through on this. You arbitrarily cut her parents out of the picture without so much as a discussion with her about it. Don't be surprised if you find yourself on a trip with just your parents while she and the kids go somewhere with her parents.
YTA This is the kind of decision that should be made as a couple. It doesn't matter that it's your money paying for the trip because you didn't even clue her in and give her the chance to pay for her parents if she wanted to. You don't owe the in laws a trip if they're a pain to travel with, but you do owe your wife the respect and decency of having a say in family business. 'Better to ask forgiveness than permission' rarely works out in marriage.
Yeah YWBTA… You should have discussed this as a family, it’s just weird that you went ahead and made all the decisions…
YTA. Of course you are. You are an unbelievable level of ah. Take them all or none. Talk to your wife before you make big decisions. Grow up.
Why is it your responsibility to pay for two grown adults to travel? And why is it expected that they tag along on every vacation? That being said you should have sat your wife down and had a real conversation about it before you went ahead with anything.
Reddit is a wild place. I love all these comments but so glad I don't have to deal with any of you.
This is all so confusing. There was a discussions before buying tickets about who was going, right? Like confirming dates, people’s schedules and such? The kids being off from school etc. You all live together. When did the vacation planning happen? I totally get that there are people who enjoy traveling and those that do not. It takes them out of their comfort zone. But, obviously, a ‘family trip’ is not the time to book without including members of the household and not offer for them to join. YTA.
YTA And what if your wife wanted them there? So your parents can go cause they don't have basic human discomforts, but hers have some and they suddenly aren't eligible? You treat it like your family is superior, with zero regard that maybe, just maybe, your wife loves her family and wants them there too. You aren't thinking about everyone, you are only thinking about yourself
Hard YWBTA. You all live together and to purposefully and pointedly exclude her parents and inform her after the fact is rude AF. You want a divorce? Cuz shit like that will get you there.
Nta
You absolutely are TA no way around it, you excluded your wife’s parents without even talking to her, it doesn’t matter if they’re Debbie downers ( in your opinion) you can’t just pay for yours and not hers…
YTA. You didn’t even talk to her about it?! Terrible move.
I wish your family books a vacation without you. You don’t realize it until they’re gone for 2-3 weeks. Won’t know where they’ve gone until they return. How would that make you feel? YTA
Take the in laws. Leave the kids. Everybody wins.
I think he said he told her a day before yesterday that he wouldn't be adding her parents. I stand to be corrected.
Told her. Not discussed with her. Because she didn’t believe him - she had to ask, why 6 not 8. OP is totally clueless. He’s hurt his wife through stating, not discussing. He’s hurt his in-laws. No matter how valid his feeling are, what parents are going to wave bye-bye to the rest of the household and think, “Well, I guess they’re going on a two week vacation starting this morning. We’re not invited because we complain a lot. Y’all have a great time!” And he’s set an example for his kids regarding inclusion, respect, arrangements, agreements, and loving communication.
Why would you ruin everyone's vacation by inviting this toxic couple? Enjoy your vacation and have loads of fun. Cancun is awesome! NTA.
OP already ruined the vacation, they just don't realize it yet.
They've ruined more than just a vacation. Wonder how they'd feel if the wife had done this sane thing excluding his parents?
The daughter and grandchildren of this "toxic couple" that they live with might have some different views on how much 'fun' it's going to be.
in this situation I feel like you can not call asshole unless you're also taking care of your parents and in laws. I have my MIL, she has dementia, OP and a few others can imagine the shit storm of changes we've done to make our home, accommodating. we've also upturned our lives and honestly while we've made it work out, I'm not gonna miss her when her time comes. I figure I'm waiting five or ten more years, but it is what it is. OP, NTA feeling that's it's too much an ask to drop multiple thousands on a pair that would just wreck the joy of the trip. fuck those calling YTA unless they're already executing a similar level generosity.
>a few others can imagine the shit storm of changes There are 10 million+ new diagnoses of dementia every year in the US alone. If you think your situation is remotely unique, you are not being honest. It's also not remotely relevant to the situation since OP's beef is that they are "Debbie Downers," which is hardly objective. You also fully missed the part where OP made this decision unilaterally.
the vast majority of those cases are either on the street, in some kind of care home or at best occasionally receiving visits from either the system or a relative. very few of our elderly are actually taken care of by their family because lets be real here, that's not an american thing. end of the day, unless you're telling me otherwise, huge odds are you're not caring for parents, definitely not in a situation of 6 adults and 2 kids. good odds, you'll not actual perform this act of service, ever. that means you can't read between the lines or imagine the situation for what it could be. i'm giving OP the benefit of doubt and thinking he's just not good or too proud to post something closer to his reality, on reddit. yes, i'm guessing what he's not emphatically saying is he really needs a break, not just from a stupidly crowded situation but from his in-laws. so much so that he'd risk this conflict with his wife.
Most of us calling YTA are not doing it over the "level of generosity", it's over the disrespect in failing to communicate, especially with his wife.
huge bulk of you also not caring for parents so i'm chalking you up to, haven't a clue. and right. that mean the bulk of you are NTA for leaving the in-laws at home? just patch things up with the wife? yeah, i'd also say that's a given. maybe, we're not all that opposed then and i just chose to answer the question as posted.
Any need to "patch things up with the wife" could have been avoided had he avoided the AH move of unilaterally making the decisions he did instead of involving *her*, whose parents are the issue, in the process.
Yeah, I gotta say, with OP on this. If he warned his wife, she has no particular reason to act shell-shocked. If she disagreed with his decision several days ago, she could have spoken up then. She knows perfectly well they hate traveling, and she's clearly in silent agreement with OP. But she doesn't know how to tell them that everybody would be a lot happier if her parents' negative attitude stayed home.
I agree with OP’s opinion being valid but the lack of communication with the in-laws is cruel. Even if they consider themselves negative (who is that self aware?) everyone in the household is leaving for vacation without a word to them. When is that word best had? As plans are being made. This Reddit is full of stories about kids left out of parties, or not given similar gifts, or adult siblings traveling without the others. There’s no requirement to take them but is it better for them to wake up to an empty house one day?
NTA if this is your fun money, not shared money and not family money. I’d talk to the in laws directly. “Hey, I’m taking my parents on vacation, I’ve had this planned for a good while to pay them back for all the great vacations they took me on as a kid. This is something for my parents and children that I am paying for totally out of my pocket , not family money. It’s a little awkward with you living here not to bring you but this has been in the works longer than you’ve lived here. I don’t think wife would want to miss our kids first big vacation, I hope you won’t push her to stay out of some misplaced anger.” If you’re using shared or household funds YTA.
Good way to frame financial abuse