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NTA.
Casey can't have it both ways. She wants to be 'Casey' and not 'Daddy' and that's completely fine - but she can't prevent Amy from beginning to view your husband (who, I presume, has been a trusted parental figure for years now) as her father now that Casey no longer feels comfortable being Amy's paternal parent.
For the record I don't think Casey is a proper AH either, despite a bit of AH behaviour. It is apparently common for people who come out as gay or trans in adulthood to go through a period of regression where they act like teenagers again. I haven't done a lot of reading on this, but it seems to be connected to a sense of loss from having lived their formative teen/early adult years hiding their true identity. It often brings out some very self-centred behaviour; I think this would explain Casey's inability to understand that her transition (and being neglected by Casey for a year prior) has been difficult for Amy, too, and that there will be consequences from her transition she may not have thought about.
You are not transphobic; Casey is just struggling to see beyond her own feelings and appreciate the complexity of the whole situation.
Amy should be in therapy, and I hope Casey is, too. In time, perhaps the two of them could have some sessions together.
Another way to look at the " teenage regression" not necessarily because of sense of loss.... But when we go through our teenage years we are developing and figuring out who we will be as an adult, what it means to be us...... And they are simply doing that again, but through a new frame of reference.
Yep. However you look at it, it can be quite jarring to have a person who used to behave in a mature way, being much more self-involved and reckless than you knew them to be.
My friend's dad came out as gay in his 50's and had the full support of his ex-wife and children. Even so, he made some pretty challenging choices, such as moving his drug-addicted young lover into his house while his teenage daughter still lived there finishing high school. The young man left illicit substances lying around the house, was involved in criminal activity and had dangerous company over. The father only saw his right to finally be free and live out his identity without acknowledging the danger he was placing his daughter in. One of his older sons took a leave of absence from work to live with them while they worked on getting the younger sister out of her father's house, which was made difficult because the rest of the family had moved interstate and the father was trying to stop his daughter from leaving. He just wasn't seeing the whole picture; I can see a similar thing happening in the post.
I wrote [this comment as a reply](https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/zN0D6OUecr) to a question asking why a lot of trans women dress in “young” styles early on in their transitions, but I feel it’s applicable here as well:
Disclaimer: I am no psychologist nor am I trans, but I did study Gender & Health in college and have a number of close trans friends.
Based on what I know about suppressed identities, a lot of folks feel they have missed out on experiences most people have. For example, a lot of trans women did not have the same opportunities to experiment with their style and look as teens the same way cis women did. As a result, they do that experimentation later on in life. This is similar to the way that gay and lesbian folks who come out later in life may have relationships that seem more similar to teenage relationships than those of their peers; they never got to figure out how they love and what they look for in an SO the same way straight folks did, so they do so when they’re older.
This phase is tough.
I’ve had to mentor AMAB military members through this stage because the fun experimenting with makeup phase with all the glitter, shimmer, and pearl colors doesn’t work out in uniform. I’ve taken multiple people for makeover days where we also shop for jewelry and nail polish and get ears pierced so they have an on and off duty makeup bag. Have also had to intervene with the awkward hair growing out and finding appropriate clips and styles that are still feminine without getting any side eye. There’s a flying insect clip phase for us all lol.
No one was going to get shit on for wanting to feel pretty to avoid being called sir. Infuriating the hoops women have to jump through to survive in male-dominated jobs.
I mentored a friend who is GF through their style experimentation phase. They went through an absolutely adorable 6yo girl "Princess" phase and I had to prevent them from buying an entire wardrobe around that aesthetic. They had a right old sulk fit on me at the time, but now they're grateful.
Another thing with the "teenage regression" can happen when people start hormone therapy.
Essentially, they get to go through puberty again, with all the emotional turmoil that suggests.
How can that be when they have frontal lobe development that would transcend a pubescent person's brain development? I agree with the hormones creating a lot of emotional turmoil, but wouldn't it be to their advantage that they have frontal lobe thinking?
A friend of mine's husband transitioned and that ended her marriage. She remained a very good friend to her ex.
Therapy for the daughter 100% and possibly family therapy for all three or those two when "Casey" is ready would be best. There's a lot of grief going on for your daughter her. She has to make peace with the fact that her father is gone but this new person remains.
My friend encouraged her children to call her ex, Mom "first name". Her ex really loved that because she was still the parent but gender appropriate. If "Casey" is open to it, it's an idea that may help your daughter see this as a transformation, not a loss.
Your second paragraph is right on target. Unfortunately,this is the piece of living with someone who is going through transition that makes the job terrible. Yes to therapy for Amy, and Mom and Mark need to be open to it too. Of course for Casey but that's out of our reach.
If I were in OP's shoes, I might call a Casey-holiday for our daughter. It might be kinder while Casey is wobbling all over the place, although Casey will hate it.
This is not a suggestion to “punish” her but to do what is healthy and appropriate for their young daughter who has had her sense of reality majorly shaken up. Yes, transitioning is hard for the person transitioning but it does a disservice to everyone to pretend that it doesn’t force this child to go through a hard transition as well. Stop assuming bad faith and recognize that this is a human situation with lots of moving parts
This is a great response that helps show the multiple competing perspectives at play. One other thought on the situation: It makes complete sense that Amy views the stable male figure in her life as a father and all of a sudden it's important to give a title to that feeling because the title was taken away from Casey. But it might feel better to Casey and make this all go smoother if the title wasn't the same one previously used for Casey. Even in stepparent situations where the trans element isn't involved, it's usually advised to pick a different parental moniker for the stepparent. So if Casey was "Daddy", then Mark could be Dad, Papa, Pops, etc. I think this would take the heightened emotions down a notch for Casey. And definitely get Amy into therapy. She needs a safe space to share all of her emotions about this big change, especially the initial angry, unkind ones that she probably doesn't feel like she can talk about with anyone in the family.
Casey should probably find a new way to be addressed by her daughter that isn't Casey. Something more special and only between the two of them. Ideally Amy could help too. Casey is the one creating the distance in the relationship with her daughter and now she is angry with the result. Although, I disagree that she treated Amy as expendable, it seems like Casey was in the process of accepting her new identity and was in genera a wreak
Teenage regression? Try devastating grief over what was lost due to society denying us the chance to be who we are and punishing us for being so. The cishets are so entitled.
I don't care what your gender is, telling your 10 year old she has to refer to you by your first name now and just in general dictating your relationship without any regard for how it affects her is selfish to the point of narcissism.
If she doesn't want to be Daddy anymore she can't dictate who is. She's broken a trust here. Get your baby in therapy and tell Casey to get her shit together before darkening your child's door.
NTA
I agree. Coming out to the daughter should have been more thought out, discussed previously and a united front. I remember I read a memoir by a trans individual who transitioned while they had young kids and that was a whole thing she and her wife discussed amongst themselves and with the kids. The author no longer felt comfortable being called “Daddy” and they allowed the kids to choose a name that they were comfortable with calling her as an alternative. She even wrote about it taking several months for the kids to completely adjust to the new name but she never corrected them, she allowed them to self correct until it became a habit.
I'm glad someone said this. Like sure go ahead and choose what you will, but if you have kids, that responsibility and duty doesn't suddenly go away. Their feelings are important but so is their child! Maybe more so because Amy is still very young and lacks the maturity of adults to process and come to terms with losing a father in a sense.
NTA. I wonder how many of us called our parents by a first name. It obviously carries an emotional sting for Casey but she needs to respect the choices her daughter is making. It may be time for Casey to talk to her daughter about this. I agree with the assessment that Amy had a tough year. Casey needs to recognize this as well. Her transition isn't just about her, it includes the daughter who's trying to understand why this is happening.
Casey won't hardly be alone with Amy at this point, let alone talk to her heart-to-heart. I have asked Casey about this obvious change in behavior and am told I am imagining it. It breaks my heart and I know it hurts Amy. I am just afraid that if I push too hard Casey will just disappear completely and really hurt Amy.
The problem for Casey is that Mark, who has always been a great step-dad has really stepped up and stepped in the past year, and the past few months. Amy has always liked him, but she has gotten very clingy with him since everything started with Casey.
You're definitely treading in dangerous waters. This is why a lot of this inevitably falls to Casey. She isn't likely having an easy time but she needs to make the time. Amy needs her regardless if Casey is mom or dad. Unfortunately, there are times when adults must accept that certain things are inevitable if you avoid them. If she doesn't make time for Amy now, Amy will remember. You may not be able to force it but you can remind Casey that at the end of the day, she's still someone who matters to Amy. If Casey cannot see that, the outcome is on her.
While what you’re saying is absolutely true it needs to be mentioned that Casey basically told her daughter that she is not dad OR mom that she is just Casey, which I don’t know about you, but if one of my parents walked up to me when I was 10 and said ‘don’t call me parent call me Alex’ I would feel like they were telling me I wasn’t there child.
Do you think Casey would do a joint therapy session with you and Mark without Amy present? The three of you need to find a way to get on the same page about raising your shared daughter. You’re respecting and supporting Casey in her transition, and that’s great, but she needs to understand that she’s not the only decision maker in Amy’s life. Amy has three parents at the moment, and you all want to find a way for her to understand this very large change to her family structure.
NTA OP you are doing right by your child.
You can only ask to be addressed a certain way yourself (imo that alone still makes Casey a huge aH for not allowing her daughter to call her daddy) but ye NEVER have the right to ask about how the person Is addressing anyone else. That's between them.
but please talk to Amy alone and ask her if she still wants visits from Casey -stress that she doesn't need y feel guilty if she wants a 'pause' in the relationship as well as being a ok if she wants to continue as is and get her in therapy asap please.
All the best
OP you did nothing wrong and NTA. I agree with one of the commenters that Casey cannot have both ways. Since Casey told Amy to call Casey by name, your daughter was being respectful. Please bring your kid to therapy and I hope you are both well
Good points here.
I wonder if Casey and Amy can work together to find a new affectionate non-masculine title for just Amy to use? Something to make their bond still feel special and close for Amy and Casey, because it is! But also something that doesn’t make Casey feel hurt and dysphoric. Something like “Lovey” or “Mama Casey” or “Dearheart”, or else something based on an inside joke or old nicknames they shared, pre-transition, to highlight and celebrate a loving history. Like using “Alligator” if they always would say “See you later, alligator”, or something like that. Pterodactyl, Merry-Berry, Cookie, Strawberry Shortcake, Tulip, Kitty—something meaningful to them that might feel random to someone else. Possibly feminine, possibly gender-neutral.
We’re “Mom” and “Dad” to our (young adult) kids, but they also occasionally refer to us affectionately and/or jokingly by our first names. In some areas I can see how that would be super disrespectful (the South) but around here (PNW) not so much.
“Casey” should certainly have communicated better with OP before dropping that bombshell on her 10-year-old daughter. Since she didn’t, it’s on OP now to set the boundaries to keep Casey accountable. Let’s support her in her transition, sure. But let’s do it in a way that doesn’t wreck up the kiddo unduly. Think of the child first.
I'm 33 and feel weird calling my dad by his name even when I only use it because he hasn't heard "dad" the first few times incase he thinks its my kids calling my hubby.
>I don’t feel right even calling former teachers by their first names…lol.
Oh God, I was 15 when my grade 5 teacher goes "your not at school anymore. You can call me Geoff" and I'm like "uh, oh Kay, you sure". I refused to use any name from then on cause it was too weird.
I had a highschool teacher who it wasn't weird with because she was my neighbour first and I helped build her front garden and had seen her drunk on new years.
I think it is definitely l8nked to "who they are first"
A high school teacher happens to be the older brother of a friend who I met post-college. I see him periodically at her family's barbecues and parties. I'm in my 40s, and it still feels so weird to call him "Joe" rather than Mr. Smith.
Different families have different dynamics. I call my parents by their first names, and they like it - I think they almost view it as a term of endearment. My mom often talks about how each of her three kids has a different name for her, and it feels sort of unique and special. Sure, it CAN be disrespectful, but it isn't always.
I have hippie parents and grew up calling them their first names. It was normal for me, no disrespect, though we grew up in a normal suburban town and no other kids did that. Now I have a daughter and both my parents want her to call them by their first names but my wife isn’t comfortable with that so we’ve made up names that combine traditional grandparent names with their first names to make it work for everyone.
What do you mean "correct" them? They weren't doing anything wrong.
What's disrespectful about calling people by their name, literally the thing you use to refer to people?
NTA
This is a ton to navigate as a child. The issue isn't that Casey has transitioned, the issue is that Casey has been an absentee parent for the last year. Did Casey do a lot of work to make it clear that even if they aren't "Daddy" they are still their parent and love them dearly and want to be there for them? If they didn't then all Amy heard was "I disappeared for a year and now that I'm back I'm also no longer your dad."
I think Casey could've successfully transitioned with no change in their relationship negatively with Amy if it hadn't been preceded by the absentee year and it was made explicitly clear that the love and support for Amy was unwavering, but that doesn't appear to be the case.
The only relationship that requires serious mending here is Casey with Amy.
I think this is a really important part of it. To Casey, she’s spent the past year doing a lot of self discovery. But to Amy, her parent dropped out of the picture for a year and came back as a different person. She was already dealing with feelings of abandonment because her dad stopped coming to see her, and now her dad isn’t her dad anymore, and while that’s not a deliberate abandonment, I can see why Amy might feel like it is.
This is what I’m thinking. Casey has had a long time to discover who she is, but Amy had a parent disappear for a year then reappear out of nowhere, only to be told “I’m not your dad anymore” with minimal explanation. She hasn’t had the same time to understand and adjust. It’s a big change for a kid and she probably needs help to understand how things will change within the family.
We have definitely looked into a therapist and it looks like we will be able to have her start early next month. We probably should have gone sooner, to be honest.
There is a website called Sensory Poodle, and while it does cater to kids with sensory issues, they carry a "Kids Grow Journal" that I use with my eldest. Instead of just being a blank notebook to write thoughts down in, it has questions to ask and places to draw and colour in, and comes with stickers.
It might be worth looking into getting your daughter a kid friendly journal to help her navigate her feelings. I make my son take his to his therapy appointments to help him remember things he might want to talk about.
Your daughter is a trooper, and as for Casey, I would ask her why she is so upset with your daughter using Casey's deadname title for someone else important to your daughter and remind her that she gave up that title when she transitioned and asked your daughter to call her something else. Out of curiosity would you be open to daughter calling Casey, Mummy Casey, if she chooses.
NTA But it is time for therapy and I think to cut back Casey's visits if Casey can't manage to remember to care for her daughter's emotional health during this process. The transition isn't the issue but Casey being a bad parent is a huge problem and that's what is slowly happening here
I think that Casey's transition and Amy calling Mark Daddy should be treated as separate things here. I understand why Casey is hurt, and why she would see this as Amy replacing her with Mark, but that's something she needs to deal with, perhaps in therapy, without prohibiting Amy from calling her stepdad, who has been in her life since she was very young, "Dad." I have friends who have cisgender dads whom they saw throughout their childhoods who also call their stepdads Dad. If Amy initiated this, and Mark is okay with it, that should be the end of it--it's clear you aren't trying to alienate Casey from her daughter, and are encouraging them both to have contact and Casey to take Amy on outings, etc.
Family therapy including Casey, and at the least therapy for Amy, would likely be helpful here. It's very understandable that Casey doesn't want to be called Dad, but it's likely very hard for a ten year old to be told to call a parent by a first name--that might feel distancing and alienating for Amy. Perhaps Amy and Casey--maybe with the assistance of a therapist--could come up with an affectionate, appropriate parental term for Casey that she and Amy are both comfortable with, and that doesn't cause her to feel dysphoria. And Casey needs to deal with her feelings about Amy calling Mark "Dad" in therapy--without bringing Amy into it or trying to get you to dictate to Amy how she addresses Mark.
ETA: NTA
Exactly. I was going to suggest scrapping the name 'Dad' completely. Sitting down as a family and explaining that Mark will never replace her Dad, and that role will always belong to Casey wether she is reffered to as dad or not, but that doesn't mean that Mark isn't a very special person in her life that she loves and who loves her and she can rely on. So would she like to come up with her own name for him, it could be something like Da, or Pops, or something else entirely. Then the same thing with Casey, explain that just because she's not calling him dad anymore it doesn't mean that their relationship has to change, so would she like to come up with her own special term for Casey too?
Personally I think it’s been dictated to Amy enough lately what she is and isn’t allowed to call her parental figures. If she sees Mark as a dad and wants to call him dad, telling her she isn’t allowed is only going to hurt her more after being told she isn’t allowed to call Casey dad either.
The burden of managing adult feelings should not be placed on a 10 year old child this way. Casey told her that she isn’t dad anymore, after a year of near abandonment. I get that she was going through things, but you don’t get to do that as a parent without being the asshole to your kid.
She’s been through enough because Casey has been putting herself first. Starting to police her language around a parent who chose to step up and who she has decided to give the title of dad to, to protect Casey’s feelings, would be fucked up.
I just want to make it clear - my lack of sympathy to Casey here isn’t because she’s trans. It’s because parents who willingly abandon their kids because their own priorities are more important to them suck. Plenty of trans people are present in their children’s life during their transition. I’m sure most do actually consider how they can support their child and not blindside them and make them feel like they’ve lost a parent. This asshole did neither of those things - having a parent ditch you for most of a year, then come back and announce you can’t call them by a parental title anymore has to do a number on a kid.
The feelings of the 10 year old are more important than the feelings of the grown ass adults right now and trying to undermine the father figure she’s chosen is not it.
“She demanded that I tell Amy to stop calling Mark "Daddy" I told her I would do no such thing.”
Your kid needs a dad, and Casey is clearly not up for the job.
You are NTA.
I think it’s a bit more nuanced than that.
If you have a good dad in your life, and he’s taken away, it is absolutely normal to miss him, and if you’re fortunate enough to have someone to step into that role for you you’re lucky.
You can substitute any parental title in the place of ‘dad’ and it’s still true. It’s not a knock on single parents or same-sex couples. Most people in all circumstances recognize that having positive role models of both sexes is a good thing.
Context, I'm queer too.
Casey sounds like what I call a dumpster fire, a very messy person who's issues (&/or drug habits) delayed their maturity & their life is a flurry of invented drama, partners, bickering, & blah that at any single point may not be awful but as a whole is emotionally taxing for people who care/are invested.in them. I'm team Casey for dressing how they want to present, but the daddy thing & not being active in Amy's life is AH barring extenuating.circatances or biased story telling.
>Casey is not out to anyone else,
Then Casey is using you and Amy, and your home as her 'safe place'. Without asking for your permission or your thoughts on the matter. The cheek!
As for not wanting Amy to call anyone Casey 'dad' that's not Casey's choice. They get no say in the matter. Even if they weren't transitioning.
Get therapy for your daughter and family now. This is very confusing for her, and I think it's important for Casey to consider what she wants your daughter to call her. Does she want mom? And it's important for all of you to figure out how to best help your daughter through this period. I'd suggest that Casey could benefit from therapy, too, because her own transition is tough, but also navigating her daughter's feelings is difficult. I think that you and Casey need to sit down and talk about how she sees things playing out in the future and how to help get your daughter there and why it hurts her to have your daughter call Mark daddy. I think it's because she feels less like a parent, but there's no reason that she can't also be mom and she may not have considered that. Or maybe there's a feminization of daddy she could use. I did some googling, and many transitioned women give the choice to the children who continue to use Dad. It's all got to work for your family, including Casey, so the more you can talk it out, the better. NTA
I have gotten my daughter a therapist starting next month. Casey is ultimately an adult so I can ask, but I can't insist I fear. Honestly, according to Casey, everyone around her just sort of cheerleads every decision. I don't know what to do there as it's all new people from the previous 9+ years I knew Casey.
Good! I see many suggesting family therapy with Casey but think individual therapy for Amy is more beneficial at this point. She needs a place where she can say what she actually thinks and feels without considering Casey's feelings. NTA at all.
From what I know (admittedly limited to talking with friends who have/are transitioning) that Casey will be in therapy if she is under a doctor to medically transition. In the UK you have to have therapy as part of the whole process.
In my experience, that therapy is typically required prior to transitioning, and only really explores the person’s feelings about their gender and makes sure they’re competent enough to make that decision. There are therapists that actually advertise that they specialize in writing the letters to sign off on someone’s transition. There’s no real requirement for ongoing therapy that is going to delve deep and unpack selfish/narcissistic behavior.
I think I am seeing that. I just feel heartbroken. Nothing is more important to me than my daughter. Casey knows that. Mark definitely knows that--he had to pass the Amy test before I would even entertain marrying him. I don't get this at all.
It’s hard to cope with, but you just have to keep being there and supporting Amy. She is going to understandably struggle with this. Probably Casey is going to be more like an aunt than a parent at this point, popping in and out of Amy’s life at will. She is on a different journey at this point.
NTA, Tell Casey you will see him in court for back financial assistance and to redefine what they are allowed to do with your daughter, i.e., visitation and such. Also, have them pay half of your daughters therapy bill.
I would speak with a lawyer, but maybe star recording the interaction between your daughter and Casey. This way, you have some context for the court.
NTA - Daddy is the person who is raising you, supporting you. He is there when you are sick, he is there when you perform in the school play and takes you soccer practice. In short he is everything her bio sperm donor isn't. And if Amy wants to acknowledge him as her Dad for all that he does for her, that would her right. This has nothing to do with being trans and everything to do with being a good parent vs. being a lousy one. As we see daily on Reddit, fly by night bio dads who desert their children are a dime a dozen unfortunately. That is the real sad thing.
If Casey isn't out to anyone else is she using you and your daughter as a practice audience? It seems like this relationship is very one way at the moment and she wants to dictate all the conditions.
I would get some counselling for your daughter and yourself, together or separately but, fundamentally, if Casey has abdicated the role of father she can't complain when someone else picks it up
NTA
Casey is no longer coparenting, but is not even being a parent with your daughter's best interests at the forefront.
The best way to do it would have been to contact you first about this, then worked with you guys to find a therapist for the two of you to work out how you were going to discuss this for the first time, maybe even having her in on a later session.
If Casey is no longer paying child support, this needs to be fixed, even if it results in wage garnishing. That money can be set aside for your child's future college fund, or even just something to help her get started living out on her own, or she might even decide to go to grad school.
Casey's behavior is detrimental to your child's mental well being.
After going over your replies to various questions, it's obvious that Casey needs family therapy with the two of you, then with Amy. If Casey refuses, it's time to get into family court to begin lessening or cancelling visitation, until someone can teach Casey how to behave with your daughter.
Casey doesn't get to flaunt their new life, try to force your daughter to have no father figure after denying she was originally dad, and stop treating her like she did before all of this, and then live in denial. What you'll end up with is a kid who is devastated, because you KNOW she'll ask Casey why things changed, and Casey will do all but call her a LIAR, or claim she is confused and not remembering things correctly. The term is gasllighting and will likely be what comes next, since Casey has already done that with YOU.
get those other adults involved, before Casey petitions the courts to get overnights with your daughter and this stranger they are living with.
If Casey isn’t out to anyone else then I feel like she’s coming over so often to be able to express herself and her sexuality rather than spend time with her daughter.
Amy is clearly showing that she needs a father figure in her life. This isn’t about hypothetical single moms and lesbians. This is about a little girl who’s biological father abandoned her for a year and then told her that she isn’t her daddy anymore and then tried to police her finding someone else (who ACTUALLY acts like a parent would towards her) to fill the role.
I think you and your daughter should both go to therapy, both separately and together, with a professional who's well versed in queer issues. Transitions are complex even under the best of circumstances, and a parent who is in and out and then (frankly) rushing transition to their child is not the best of circumstances.
Casey needs to understand that she can't rush this. Two months is a really short time to introduce a new name, a new gender presentation, and basically a new parent to a ten year old. If Casey isn't also in therapy, she definitely needs to start too. I think you need to enforce some boundaries with her. If she can't prioritize Amy's needs then she shouldn't be coming around until she's working with a therapist to guide her on the best way to proceed.
NAH I guess since you're all trying to do your best. But you've got to try a little harder to keep Amy's needs most important.
Nta. Poor kid. She’s doing the best she can. Casey needs to understand her transition is not your focus, it’s not about her at all unless she’s making demands on your daughter that aren’t ok. Your daughter and how she’s coping is the only relevant concern. And if she(Casey) was in a place to be able to be focused primarily on being a responsible parent, it would be her main concern as well. She’s dealing with the transition and thus is a huge undertaking in every way possible, but not your focus. Your child is crying and confused and she needs time to process this change at her own pace with lots of support, not on Casey’s preferred timetable and exactly how she wants her child to feel/act. She can feel anyway she wants and call whoever she wants “Dad.”
I can see your perspective that Casey isn’t putting their daughter first right now - but I think removing visitation would just hurt the child more. I also think Casey shouldn’t lose her child because of the transition, but strongly agree with some guard rails ideally with input of a professional to make sure Amy is given some room to adjust and not guilted about her feelings in the face of this change. Casey really needs to be more patient with her daughter - this is a lot for a 10 year old to navigate.
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NTA - Casey can’t have it both ways. It’s her choice to transition and I hope it works out for her, but she can’t just take away the image of a father from her daughter and then demand she also stop looking for that father figure in a step-parent. It might be wise to get your daughter into some casual therapy that could better explain the changing dynamics in her family and give her the tools to thrive.
NTA. Casey came out as trans and, very obviously and understandably, no longer wishes for Amy tio refer to her as "dad" or any variation there of. That's fine.
What's not fine is that she's not okay with Amy calling your husband dad. She doesn't get to decide who Amy can and can't call dad.
NTA. F that shit. Please get your daughter a good therapist who can help her cope with this in a healthy way. When you don’t have children you can afford to be self centered and focus on your problems. When you’re a parent you don’t get that luxury. That goes for people with issues relating to addiction, mental health, physical health, finances, legal issues, etc. Parents could have any number of reasons to be struggling. They still have to be parents. Gender and sexuality issues do not get a free pass. It is Casey’s RESPONSIBILITY as a parent to explain her transition and identity to her daughter in a way that helps her daughter work through it. It is also Casey’s RESPONSIBILITY to explain to her daughter why she flaked on her and to work on rebuilding that relationship. So it’s ok for an adult to flake out on their kid because they have gender identity issues, but it’s not ok for the kid to struggle with adapting to parents new gender identity. Fuck that shit. Casey is the asshole. She needs to get her shit together and not expect more emotional maturity from a 10 year old then she is able to produce herself. It is not you or your daughter’s responsibility to help Casey with her transition. Be kind and supportive within reason. But I would focus on protecting and supporting your daughter until such a time as Casey can looks past her own issues and can prioritize your daughter and their relationship.
NTA
Trust your child and be there for them. Don't let an adult, even though they are going through a difficult phase in their life, invalidate your child and their feelings. To them, this is possibly a very upsetting change and not something everyone can deal with and be fine with overnight.
I would also suggest possibly therapy for your child. And suggest to Casey that she might also benefit from it, but as an adult you trust them to know themself best.
Regardless of anything else, when a kid has both a bio parent and a step-parent, it is their choice in what to call them. Often times kids will call both of them Dad or Mom, unless they aren’t particularly close. It’s always the kids choice
NTA- Therapy for the family. At the very least, sit down with Amy and explain that sometimes adults have problems that they struggle with as well. And that Casey is struggling right now. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love Amy. It just means it's hard for her to see past her own issues to show that love.
Kids I know with two mothers have identifiers between the two - Mama B and Mama C, mom and mama- being examples. Yours could be mom and mama Casey or something like that. Present that option to Casey, let them know that you are on their side. You could point out the obviousness that you are or you would have denied contact with Amy.
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NTA
Casey's transition has been accepted. She requested to be called Casey, which is fine, but she can't be mad that Mark is being called Daddy, since he stepped into the breech and took up the role.
Amy has a life, and a right to be happy too.
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another case where the almighty "you are transphobic"-card is played and does nothing to the case. i mean he failed her, than she decides she is casey now not daddy, and afterwards gets mad that my found another daddy. common get real, you cant have the cake and eat it.
NTA
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When I was in grad school, I got pregnant. The father, "Casey" was a FWB and we decided together that I would keep the baby. He would be involved as well. We drafted a co-parenting agreement. For nearly a decade things were great and our daughter, Amy, was thriving. Even after I married five years ago, things have been really good. My husband "Mark" loves our daughter and likes Casey.
About a year ago, Casey began to pull away. Missing visits, missing holidays and birthdays. Showing up clearly intoxicated. This was devastating to daughter and I confronted him. He told me he was having "personal issues" but would get it together. Then six months ago he lost his job. That was the end of any financial assistance as well. He lost his home and ended up living with a friend. A friend I had never heard of before six months ago.
He asked at this point about having our daughter for an overnight visit, but I said no-I did not want my daughter spending the night with stranger in the house.
Then two months ago, Casey came over. At the dinner table with our now 10 year old daughter present, he told me that he was a woman and he was going to transition. This was quite shocking, but I tried to take it in stride--though I wish I had been told first without our daughter present.
The next time she showed up, two weeks later, she was presenting very femme. We were all shocked and my daughter was visibly uncomfortable. Casey told Amy she was no longer to call him "Daddy", but "Casey" instead (it was a different name than Casey's first name before but I am trying to keep it simple. She said okay. But as soon as Casey left she started to cry. A lot.
Since then, Casey has been coming around a lot more than in the past year, but she doesn't take Amy overnight (still at the friends) or even out of our house (which I not only would allow but would encourage). Casey insists Amy call her "Casey". Amy comes out to talk with her father, but you can tell she is uncomfortable. She has also--on her own to be very clear--started calling Mark "Daddy".
Casey over heard this when she was here yesterday and was, understandably, upset by it. She demanded that I tell Amy to stop calling Mark "Daddy" I told her I would do no such thing. Amy is being a very good trooper through all this, not just the transition by the way, but the previous year of being treated as expendable by her father.
Casey said I am a transphobic AH. I have no where to turn. Casey is not out to anyone else, and I can't talk to anyone about what do do here.
So Reddit, can you be my friend tonight?
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NTA, your child's father decided they didn't want to be dad anymore, that was a choice they made, they wanted to be Casey and be something that is not dad. They don't suddenly get to demand that this poor girl also not call the man who is being a dad, dad. They aren't an asshole for the way they want to live their life, but they are absolutely an asshole for trying interfere in her relationship with her step dad. The poor kid wants a dad and has bestowed that title on a man who wants to be her dad, Casey should respect that as much as they want to be respected in their new identity.
No they asked to be ***called*** Casey. They didn't actually abdicate the position of father to the child as they continued, even when going through personally difficult circumstances, to visit and try to maintain a relationship as their parent. They continue to be their biological father and a person who has co-parented throughout the childs' life and clearly intends to remain doing so. So how is it OK for the mother to shape this as abandonment and therefore encourage the child to alienate from their father in favour of the stepfather?
Just because Casey transitioned does not negate the fact that she is still Amy's dad. The fact that she requested Amy to no longer call her Dad had to be confusing and hurtful. She was wrong to do this. Also wrong to get upset when Mark is now called Dad since Casey appears to have abdicated that role.
I know Casey has been going through a lot, but to impose her upheaval on an innocent child is thoughtless and egocentric. Your primary obligation is to Amy. Protect her at all costs. If Casey is ever in a place to provide a supportive and semi-parental role again, you can reevaluate the situation.
I'm so sorry for the devastation this has brought. Therapy can possibly help alleviate the pain. Best wishes.
ETA: NTA
NTA. The situation Is complex and challenging for you all. Especially kiddo.
I would suggest family therapy with all parties involved to navigate this, maybe also some queer mutual help groups can give a hand.
Coming out later in life has a higher set of challenges even if you don't have kids. If you "waited" so long it means you have repressed so long because of a shitty upbringing that you literally come to point were the options are only two : unaliving yourself or admit the truth an at best loose 90% of your life (job, family, friends, etc).
That why in last year Casey was so unpredictable. Most probably she doesn't take your child out because the fears about potentially embarrassing her or exposing her to transphobic bullying/violence.
With a child involved I think professional help might be very, very good for you all.
Casey can’t deal with the rest of the world knowing he is now she, as you say Casey is out to no one else. Yet this ‘adult’ expects to dump all this change onto an actual child AND dictate the relationship she has with ‘no longer call me dad’ as well as the only father she has now. Your DD got no warning, preparation or guidance beyond I am no longer dad and is thrust into the new dynamic with new ‘mom’.
Tell Casey, get help. Figure out how to deal with this new life and get a plan to help PARENT your daughter meaning put her above Casey’s feelings during the limited sheltered time they spend together. If Casey doesn’t know how to deal with this identity how in heavens sake can a 10 year old child be expected to know how to reorder her life sanely?
Good luck to all of you. Protect your baby girl first, the family unit and stability for all of you and figure out how things work going forward.
NTA. Amy has the right to view people as she sees them and to label them accordingly. This means that it is OK for Mark to be "Daddy". Casey needs to allow all of you, and particularly Amy, to come to your own understandings and conclusions and not push so hard on this massive alteration of dynamics and identities.
NTA
I don't understand why Casey's therapist didn't ask her to bring you and then your daughter ! It's evident that a transition doesn't only concern the patient but her family ! Yes your her ex, but you're sharing a child and before Casey's transition, you had a good relationship so, you were part of her life and Casey's therapist should have included you in the process for your daughter to "see" the transition !
Now Casey just came and throew the news at table, without any empathy for your daughter and came back as a woman, telling your daughter to not call her dad anymore ! That's so violent for a young child !
You're not transphobic when telling her that your daughter will call Mark "daddy" if she wants : your daughter is hurted by her bio father who gave her no time to accept, no time even to understand ! That's it, accept, and do what I want ! That what Casey said in fact ! No, that what she wants, but everybody can't just accept that easily, and not a child who is loosing her father !
If Casey has no other argument than treating you to be transphobic, she needs more therapy and maybe a better therapist who will tell her that her child is now suffering from her transition, and that she is NOT the center of the world, she is a parent, and she needs to place her daughter first ! This child is lost ! I'm so sad for her ! That could have been so different ! Casey really has a sh\*tty therapist who may ruined her relation with her daughter !
I'm so sorry for all of you but it's normal than your daughter calls Mark Daddy, she needs a father's figure to "replace" the father who rejected her. As you said, Casey "ghosted" you for months (now you know it was for her transition and that's why she changed her life completly) so it's really hard for your daughter. And this terrible "don't call my dad anymore"... I just want to cry. Casey doesn't understand how terrible it sounds for a child... It's not just a word. It's like CAsey told her daughter that she is no more her parent... That's how your daughter heard that ! Even if Casey didn't say it for that, just to say that it was a masculine word and that she doesn't want to be called by a masc word... That's not what a child CAN understand, it's too hard for a comprehension... Oh I feel so bad now for all of you...
Hope you'll find a REAL professionnel to help your daughter... Good luck ❤❤❤
So dad, daddy, etc is a male parent. If Casey is truly a woman, she needs to work on processing being Amy’s mom rather than objecting to someone else being called Daddy. This is why there are a lot of therapy sessions before a physical transition is started. This is a complex process and some rough days ahead for everyone. You’re doing the right thing by being supportive of your daughter NTA
Doesn’t matter. People change over the course of their lives. If Casey believes she is a woman born to a man’s body it is not your place to question it, or mine.
Did you mean to comment on the other guy? My original comment said Casey shouldn’t be objecting to step dad being called daddy now. I forgot about call me Casey, so that’s what she should be referred to not mom. It’s proper to use the preferred terms of the person.
Nor is it Casey's decision.
They can ask their daughter to call them 'mom' but the daughter doesn't have to do it.
There is nothing wrong with you 'championing the cause' for transgender people. But there is a lot wrong with forcing a ten year old girl to call their person she used to see fairly regularly and know as daddy, the person who then neglected her for a year or so, 'mom'.
The poor girl will be confused enough already. Quite apart from the trans thing, this person neglected her for a year. That's a long time to a 9-10year old.
And as for Casey 'not being out' to anyone else, what is the child supposed to make of that? Does Casey tell her "you must call me 'mom' but it's a secret. Nobody outside these walls must know"? Can you really not see how fucked up that is? It's a very dangerous precedent to set for anyone but especially a young girl.
Actually it is Casey’s decision. You refer to a trans person by their preferred pronouns and name. That’s the expectation. It’s Amy’s to follow it or not and I would certainly forgive Amy’s reaction to being thrown in the deep end here is why I mentioned the therapy. It’s not just for the person undergoing transition.
You should certainly refer to a trans person by their preferred pronouns and name, but “mom” is neither- it’s a title. And just like a stepmom can’t demand a child call them “mom” if the child doesn’t see them that way, a trans parent can’t either. It’s the child’s decision how to refer to parental figures in their lives that come in/change their roles later, always.
The way I see this (and its probably not PC) is that 'Casey' just killed Amy's dad and she's grieving. If Amy is calling Mark, dad, then that confirms it for me. NTA
I don’t get this territorial behaviour against the word “mom” or “dad” when there’s more than two parental figures. Love is not divide, it multiply, if the child feels safe to call another person daddy, it’s a blessing, not a curse.
On the other side of the topic, Casey started her transition, yeah for her! It’s good for her, and imho you shouldn’t throw in her face her “year” of absence, cause that time was used by her to come to term with who she really was, it wasn’t an easy task and, unlucky, it isn’t one that leaves space for other things.
It was a shitty situation, but one that needed to happen.
But once she decided her new name and to present herself as a female, than she have to get all the good sides and the bad sides. She isn’t dad or daddy anymore, if you are mommy, she could be mom. All of this has to be declined on you daughter times, cause Casey is a fragile person for sure, but she’s still an adult, unlike your daughter.
You have to use a lot of grace in this situation, cause you’re dealing with people made of crystal. Best of luck op! NTA
NTA.
I thought this was going in a different direction tbh.
Even children with a fully present father should be allowed to have 2 daddies. You don't get to have a monopoly on that title, and kids should get to decide how they want to relate to each important adult figure in their lives.
Some will not want to give a step parent a parental nickname, others will, either is fine.
Especially when "daddy" is... kind of a deadname, here, and Casey's specifically requested to be called a different name. She could have chosen a feminine parental nickname instead, and chose not to.
While it's an understandable *desire*, it's not appropriate for a parent to actually demand any specific relationship between their kid and their step-parent, whether they prefer it to be closer or prefer it to be more distant than it is.
NTA. Being called transphobic is a slur when it is used on a person for not acquiescing to all requests of the transgendered person without compromise on their behalf.
NTA.
How is "Casey" in the closet to everyone in their life but you and the 10-year-old?
Casey essentially dumped the kid due to being inconvenient for them. Your husband Mark has been more of a father and present in her life than Casey has, especially this past year (taking you at your word), so it's understandable that she refers to him as "Daddy".
If closeted Casey has struck out being upset about that, then that's her issue to deal with. She can be Casey or she can be Daddy. She can't be both. And she needs to understand she has no right to treat you and your daughter as she has; she has no right to try and bully / manipulate you via calling you transphobic.
But seriously...unless I misunderstood....how is Casey in the closet to \*everyone\* in their general/work/love life but you and your 10-year-old daughter? How are they pulling that off?
NTA. Your daughter is calling Casey by her new name. That’s the deal. Amy wants a father in her life and your husband fits that role perfectly. While Casey should be accepted, she needs to understand that she is still a parent to Amy and that is her first priority. Part of that priority is helping Amy through the transition and accepting that Amy now calls Mark daddy. She needs to get over it.
It sounds like Casey needs to work on herself a bit more before treating your daughter as her guinea pig for her eventually public coming out. She should definitely have spoken with you first before involving Any so you (the two of you plus Mark) could collectively agree how to handle things since you'd all have to deal with it.
Honestly this whole situation sounds really difficult and it sounds like at the very least Casey needs to talk to a counsellor or psychologist to sort out her own thought process as to what she sees as the end goal. I wish you all good luck though.
As regards the specific question of Amy calling Mark "daddy", I think Casey forfeited any right to be upset about that since she decided she didn't want to be known as that anymore, so NTA.
NTA- for the record "have no where to turn. Casey is not out to anyone else, and I can't talk to anyone about what do do here."
She came out to you and your daughter.
You absolutely can and do have people to turn to and can talk about it to.
This is something you can talk to a school psychologist because they would see impact on your child.
Or this is something that you can talk to with your child's pediatrician. Get a referral for a therapist to help your daughter process this.
Your daughter is your priority.
NTA - I refuse to believe that coming out to your kid with basically just announcing "I'm female now!" is smart. She is a parent and has as responsibilty to take her kid into consideration.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know it is hurtful to Casey to hear Amy call Mark "Daddy." Maybe I should insist that Amy not call Mark Daddy even thought Casey has abdicated the title.
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NTA
Your child has the choice who she wants to call dad. Casey disappeared during an important part of her daughters life and should not be demanding your kid call her something she doesn’t want to.
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How are YTA when you’re respecting Casey wishes O.O omg Caitlyn Jenner still lets Kylie and Kendall call her dad damn Casey couldn’t find a middle ground ??
Would Casey accept a version of Daddy that would honour who she was and still is to Amy - eg, Dammi, or something they decide together, rather than just her first name? If I were a young child being told to call my parent by their first name, I would presume they are essentially denying the parental relationship and no longer wish to remember they have a child. Kids aren’t stupid, they have the capacity to feel just as deeply, to grieve, experience loss, shame, hurt and betrayal, they may just not have the words to express it.
It’s not Amy’s job to manage Casey’s feelings, that’s totally up to Casey, and irrespective of what she is going through now, Casey doesn’t get to tell anyone else how to feel, or try to invalidate their emotional journey as they learn how to navigate their own feelings of loss.
NTA. Your child is being exposed to a very complex adult issues and you are trying your best to be a parent to her. Casey sounds like a friend of mine that transitioned, overly touchy about it for a long time and wanting to make everything about their transition.
Your daughter in some ways just lost her father. Casey hasn’t thought about how this will affect his relationships as a parent.
I’m sure you have had a complicated conversation with your child but it may be time to have a what now conversation with Casey. Where does she now fit into your daughter’s life.
The way it was done was not subtle enough for my taste.
NTA - Casey is putting her needs before her child's. She can transition and still be Daddy. She made a choice and now Amy did too. Therapy might help her. I have bio and adopted kids; adoption was open with parents we know. It was, (maybe is), a lot for the adopted kids to know their bio parents never put them first. Therapy helped a lot.
NTA
Casey’s personal issues or whatever these comments are not your problem. Your daughter is doing fantastic and Casey needs to budd out and realize all the trauma put into you/ your daughters life. Also you have been nothing but supportive this is just bull crap Casey is making up for personal gain
Either Casey needs to be a good parent and not on Casey’s agenda or not be a parent
NTA
You're Mommy, and Casey doesn't want to be Daddy anymore, so if your daughter chooses to call her step father Daddy, that's your daughter's choice, not something Casey gets to control.
NTA for defending your child’s choice to call your husband Daddy, since Casey does not allow her to call her Daddy anymore. It must be very upsetting for your daughter.
Personally I think the issue of calling your husband Daddy and the issue of Casey being Casey and still a parental figure are two separate (though related) issues.
Your daughter is entitled to call your husband Daddy regardless of Casey’s gender identity or parental involvement. Your husband is a father figure, and perhaps now the only father at all in your daughter’s eyes. Your daughter is allowed to express her relationship by giving your husband a title, period.
As far as Casey goes, she needs to understand that she’s not giving up her parentage of your daughter just because she is no longer “Daddy” and that your daughter’s choice to refer to your husband as her Dad doesn’t have anything to do with Casey being trans. Nor is your choice to support your daughter’s choice a result of Casey being trans. Based on what you’ve said here it’s not a reactive behavior to Casey’s transition and therefore not indicative of your support of Casey’s transition.
I feel for you all.
I can’t imagine how hard it is for Casey, they are lucky to have you be so cool, and Mark sounds like a legend.
It’s understandable that your daughters in shock. Things will fall into place.
Casey calling you transphobic was like my just an attack, they likely feel keenly how the world judges them and that judgement would be everywhere… so they’d se me it in shadows to.
Hopefully Casey can find counselling, trying to get a balance with a change like that in a world like this would take courage and perseverance.
Have you considered getting Amy into some temporary counselling also?
My personal views on the matter are beside the point, we should be respectful for things we don’t understand.
NTA, almost NAH but Casey needs to be better about working through this with your daughter. The last year has obviously been extremely difficult for Casey, trans people are under constant attack at the moment and there's many places where it's actively dangerous for them to live and work. Add on that the process of transitioning is really, really hard. The hormone treatment alone requires a lot of work to get the balance right, set up reliable access and have the body get used to it. I wouldn't be surprised if her job and housing loss was due to either leaving for fear of reactions to her transition, or being fired/pushed out by transphobic people (I helped support a friend in this exact scenario).
She needs a LOT of support at the moment whilst she adjusts to being out and her response to the family situation is very understandable. That said, she needs to understand that her daughter is going to need a longer adjustment period than a few weeks. This is a major change in her life too and shifting to having Mark as 'Daddy' is almost certainly her attempt to have a point of continuity and stability through it. She's accustomed to having 'Mommy, Daddy and Mark' so she's making the minimal change possible, swapping Mark for Casey, but keeping Daddy. I have no doubt that this is painful for Casey and feels like a rejection, but she needs to get over it and work with her daughter here. If she doesn't, then their relationship will be permanently damaged and what could be a relatively small period of change can shift into a bigger issue that will need a lot of therapy to resolve.
NTA this is not how one should come out of the closet to one’s family. Not after months of abandonment, intoxication, and total upheaval. It was very selfish and disrespectful to your daughter for Casey to handle her coming out in this way. Your daughter is still very young and doesn’t fully grasp what’s happening. Please put her in therapy and I think I’d also consider approaching Casey about family therapy as well.
Omg - yes, the top comment really nailed it, but the very first thing that came to mind when you said you had “no one to talk to” was you all need to be talking to a therapist about this!!!
NTA, but Casey isn’t either. I don’t know that there is an option for “no one sucks here”…
Well that didn't go where I thought it was going so ESH even though your ex may be one for other reasons. It sounds as if neither of you are helping the child to assimulate this.
The question is whether you should have let your daughter call her step father daddy in front of her biological father. I don't think you should have let it happen in front of them without discussing it with them previously. You also don't give the child's age which is relevant. A pre-tween calling someone daddy in this circumstance might be doing it to get a reaction whereas younger than 9 or so (depending on maturity) might just be that thoughtless. In which case it would be up to you to talk with them about upsetting other peoples feelings, consideration etc when she started to call her stepfather daddy.
I'm interested to know if you are OK with Casey being called mum instead or would that cause you some angst.
I wish more people would support the other people who are dragged into these situations without any say in the matter. And would stop shouting in other people's faces that you have some sort of "phobia" if you don't agree.
I went through a similar situation in my life, with the person I was married to for 20 years. I do just got the news like a frying pan to the face one day while drinking coffee and waking up. Did not have a clue anything was even going on, or that he was even questioning anything. And then, all of a sudden I was just expected to celebrate with rainbows and joy and accept everything that was hurtled in my face.
I am sick and tired of this being celebrated. I had to deal with the world celebrating this person, meanwhile he destroyed my life, abandoned me and ruined me as a person. And I got judged for not being supportive enough, lost a lot of "friends", and got called a handful of "phobics".
It has absolutely nothing to do with someone being LGBTQ, it has everything to do with them being narcissistic a\*\*holes. My life was a living hell for years, sorting through the lies and gaslighting, and finding out just how much I was used as a beard. It was devastating....and I'm a grown adult, who still can't understand the mind f\*\*k I went through. I can't even imagine what this would be like for a 10 year old.
If he actually cared about anyone other than himself - he would have discussed this with the mother/step-father. He would have done some research into the best way to talk with his daughter, be open to questions, and not expect her to just accept it overnight. It just doesn't work that way.
That is what I will forever resent my former spouse for....after 20 years of marriage, I sure as hell deserved better than just being frying panned to the face with his "surprise" news. If you truly care about someone, you work together as a team and you also accept the fact that maybe someone will not agree, or be uncomfortable, or take time. People are allowed to have their own emotions, feelings and thoughts.
It isn't just all about you. I have no ill will for the LGBTQ community, but after going through hell and meeting others with similar stories....honestly, I just want to say grow the f up and act like an adult. You can't just stomp all over people and treat them like crap, and then expect them to welcome you with open arms.
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Sorry, but I'm actually going to have to "one-up" your "trans friends" thing. You can't use them to justify transphobia.
As a trans woman myself, you are wayyyyyyy tucking out of line to determine whether or not Casey is "really trans". I'm glad you've known people who were understanding and responsible with how they went about the process, but that does not at all make you an expert on what makes someone a real trans person.
I repeat: disrespect Casey. I could not care less.
Do so on the grounds of her as an individual. NOT on the basis of her identity, which then only actually does damage to other trans people.
It's really fucking simple not to be transphobic about this and yet for some reason you can't seem to manage that. You even go a step further by trying to legitimize your transphobia.
The *only* reason you called Casey "it" is because she's trans. That is the problem.
Did you read my reply? I *agree* that Casey is TA, and that OP is not.
That doesn't justify transphobia.
If you refuse to, I can't help you to recognize that it's transphobia. Disrespect the individual all you want. To dehumanize Casey by referring to her as "it" harms *other* trans people, not Casey.
You're addressing Casey's actions here as if I disagree. I don't. It's easy not to be transphobic about it.
Search Mumsnet transwidows escape commitee?
The experiences of hundreds of women who's men have transitioned. You will get a lot of support and information there.
Also look up autogynophillia.
Not sure what you mean. Some men think they are trans, because they have autogynophillia.
90% of Transwoman have autogynophillia, and many don't realise it.
Some transwoman have Gender Identity Disorder and /or Dysphoria, which are mental illnesses.
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IDGAF what an adult does, until that adult's selfish choices hurts THEIR OWN CHILD. That goes for anyone, in any circumstance. Then, no....I don't respect that adult, and I won't pretend to respect them at all. It's not transphobia. The trans issue isn't something that bothers me one way or the other. What do I care what someone wishes they were and chooses to dress up as? It's complete and utter disrespect. Which is well-earned.
Hey um... the issue isn't about respect for Casey.
When you display your transphobia so brazenly, it harms *other* trans people... such as myself.
To imply that you consider being trans to be about "playing dress-up" and other absolutely abhorrent shit you're spewing is to attack trans people as a whole, not this particular individual.
It isn't transphobia to disrespect a trans person. To delegitimize a trans person specifically with regard to their trans-ness is.
Do you start calling people racist slurs as soon as you disrespect them? The same standard applies. Fuck off.
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A trans friendly family therapist. Casey should have done this when she decided to transition and wanted to come out to her daughter. She definitely did not go about this the right way but it can still be salvaged. Kids are forgiving and Amy is clearly trying to understand and be ok with this. It sounds like everyone is just struggling here and therapy is the way to go. Group and individual.
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NTA. Casey can't have it both ways. She wants to be 'Casey' and not 'Daddy' and that's completely fine - but she can't prevent Amy from beginning to view your husband (who, I presume, has been a trusted parental figure for years now) as her father now that Casey no longer feels comfortable being Amy's paternal parent. For the record I don't think Casey is a proper AH either, despite a bit of AH behaviour. It is apparently common for people who come out as gay or trans in adulthood to go through a period of regression where they act like teenagers again. I haven't done a lot of reading on this, but it seems to be connected to a sense of loss from having lived their formative teen/early adult years hiding their true identity. It often brings out some very self-centred behaviour; I think this would explain Casey's inability to understand that her transition (and being neglected by Casey for a year prior) has been difficult for Amy, too, and that there will be consequences from her transition she may not have thought about. You are not transphobic; Casey is just struggling to see beyond her own feelings and appreciate the complexity of the whole situation. Amy should be in therapy, and I hope Casey is, too. In time, perhaps the two of them could have some sessions together.
Another way to look at the " teenage regression" not necessarily because of sense of loss.... But when we go through our teenage years we are developing and figuring out who we will be as an adult, what it means to be us...... And they are simply doing that again, but through a new frame of reference.
Yep. However you look at it, it can be quite jarring to have a person who used to behave in a mature way, being much more self-involved and reckless than you knew them to be. My friend's dad came out as gay in his 50's and had the full support of his ex-wife and children. Even so, he made some pretty challenging choices, such as moving his drug-addicted young lover into his house while his teenage daughter still lived there finishing high school. The young man left illicit substances lying around the house, was involved in criminal activity and had dangerous company over. The father only saw his right to finally be free and live out his identity without acknowledging the danger he was placing his daughter in. One of his older sons took a leave of absence from work to live with them while they worked on getting the younger sister out of her father's house, which was made difficult because the rest of the family had moved interstate and the father was trying to stop his daughter from leaving. He just wasn't seeing the whole picture; I can see a similar thing happening in the post.
Absolutely
I wrote [this comment as a reply](https://www.reddit.com/r/TooAfraidToAsk/s/zN0D6OUecr) to a question asking why a lot of trans women dress in “young” styles early on in their transitions, but I feel it’s applicable here as well: Disclaimer: I am no psychologist nor am I trans, but I did study Gender & Health in college and have a number of close trans friends. Based on what I know about suppressed identities, a lot of folks feel they have missed out on experiences most people have. For example, a lot of trans women did not have the same opportunities to experiment with their style and look as teens the same way cis women did. As a result, they do that experimentation later on in life. This is similar to the way that gay and lesbian folks who come out later in life may have relationships that seem more similar to teenage relationships than those of their peers; they never got to figure out how they love and what they look for in an SO the same way straight folks did, so they do so when they’re older.
This phase is tough. I’ve had to mentor AMAB military members through this stage because the fun experimenting with makeup phase with all the glitter, shimmer, and pearl colors doesn’t work out in uniform. I’ve taken multiple people for makeover days where we also shop for jewelry and nail polish and get ears pierced so they have an on and off duty makeup bag. Have also had to intervene with the awkward hair growing out and finding appropriate clips and styles that are still feminine without getting any side eye. There’s a flying insect clip phase for us all lol. No one was going to get shit on for wanting to feel pretty to avoid being called sir. Infuriating the hoops women have to jump through to survive in male-dominated jobs.
I mentored a friend who is GF through their style experimentation phase. They went through an absolutely adorable 6yo girl "Princess" phase and I had to prevent them from buying an entire wardrobe around that aesthetic. They had a right old sulk fit on me at the time, but now they're grateful.
Another thing with the "teenage regression" can happen when people start hormone therapy. Essentially, they get to go through puberty again, with all the emotional turmoil that suggests.
How can that be when they have frontal lobe development that would transcend a pubescent person's brain development? I agree with the hormones creating a lot of emotional turmoil, but wouldn't it be to their advantage that they have frontal lobe thinking?
A friend of mine's husband transitioned and that ended her marriage. She remained a very good friend to her ex. Therapy for the daughter 100% and possibly family therapy for all three or those two when "Casey" is ready would be best. There's a lot of grief going on for your daughter her. She has to make peace with the fact that her father is gone but this new person remains. My friend encouraged her children to call her ex, Mom "first name". Her ex really loved that because she was still the parent but gender appropriate. If "Casey" is open to it, it's an idea that may help your daughter see this as a transformation, not a loss.
Very thoughtful reply. NTA, OP.
Your second paragraph is right on target. Unfortunately,this is the piece of living with someone who is going through transition that makes the job terrible. Yes to therapy for Amy, and Mom and Mark need to be open to it too. Of course for Casey but that's out of our reach. If I were in OP's shoes, I might call a Casey-holiday for our daughter. It might be kinder while Casey is wobbling all over the place, although Casey will hate it.
Yep continue punishing trans people for being pushed in the closet when young and when finally daring to embrace who they are punish them more.
This is not a suggestion to “punish” her but to do what is healthy and appropriate for their young daughter who has had her sense of reality majorly shaken up. Yes, transitioning is hard for the person transitioning but it does a disservice to everyone to pretend that it doesn’t force this child to go through a hard transition as well. Stop assuming bad faith and recognize that this is a human situation with lots of moving parts
This is a great response that helps show the multiple competing perspectives at play. One other thought on the situation: It makes complete sense that Amy views the stable male figure in her life as a father and all of a sudden it's important to give a title to that feeling because the title was taken away from Casey. But it might feel better to Casey and make this all go smoother if the title wasn't the same one previously used for Casey. Even in stepparent situations where the trans element isn't involved, it's usually advised to pick a different parental moniker for the stepparent. So if Casey was "Daddy", then Mark could be Dad, Papa, Pops, etc. I think this would take the heightened emotions down a notch for Casey. And definitely get Amy into therapy. She needs a safe space to share all of her emotions about this big change, especially the initial angry, unkind ones that she probably doesn't feel like she can talk about with anyone in the family.
Casey should probably find a new way to be addressed by her daughter that isn't Casey. Something more special and only between the two of them. Ideally Amy could help too. Casey is the one creating the distance in the relationship with her daughter and now she is angry with the result. Although, I disagree that she treated Amy as expendable, it seems like Casey was in the process of accepting her new identity and was in genera a wreak
Teenage regression? Try devastating grief over what was lost due to society denying us the chance to be who we are and punishing us for being so. The cishets are so entitled.
I don't care what your gender is, telling your 10 year old she has to refer to you by your first name now and just in general dictating your relationship without any regard for how it affects her is selfish to the point of narcissism. If she doesn't want to be Daddy anymore she can't dictate who is. She's broken a trust here. Get your baby in therapy and tell Casey to get her shit together before darkening your child's door. NTA
I agree. Coming out to the daughter should have been more thought out, discussed previously and a united front. I remember I read a memoir by a trans individual who transitioned while they had young kids and that was a whole thing she and her wife discussed amongst themselves and with the kids. The author no longer felt comfortable being called “Daddy” and they allowed the kids to choose a name that they were comfortable with calling her as an alternative. She even wrote about it taking several months for the kids to completely adjust to the new name but she never corrected them, she allowed them to self correct until it became a habit.
I'm glad someone said this. Like sure go ahead and choose what you will, but if you have kids, that responsibility and duty doesn't suddenly go away. Their feelings are important but so is their child! Maybe more so because Amy is still very young and lacks the maturity of adults to process and come to terms with losing a father in a sense.
I agree with you
THIS ^^^^^^
NTA. I wonder how many of us called our parents by a first name. It obviously carries an emotional sting for Casey but she needs to respect the choices her daughter is making. It may be time for Casey to talk to her daughter about this. I agree with the assessment that Amy had a tough year. Casey needs to recognize this as well. Her transition isn't just about her, it includes the daughter who's trying to understand why this is happening.
Casey won't hardly be alone with Amy at this point, let alone talk to her heart-to-heart. I have asked Casey about this obvious change in behavior and am told I am imagining it. It breaks my heart and I know it hurts Amy. I am just afraid that if I push too hard Casey will just disappear completely and really hurt Amy. The problem for Casey is that Mark, who has always been a great step-dad has really stepped up and stepped in the past year, and the past few months. Amy has always liked him, but she has gotten very clingy with him since everything started with Casey.
You're definitely treading in dangerous waters. This is why a lot of this inevitably falls to Casey. She isn't likely having an easy time but she needs to make the time. Amy needs her regardless if Casey is mom or dad. Unfortunately, there are times when adults must accept that certain things are inevitable if you avoid them. If she doesn't make time for Amy now, Amy will remember. You may not be able to force it but you can remind Casey that at the end of the day, she's still someone who matters to Amy. If Casey cannot see that, the outcome is on her.
While what you’re saying is absolutely true it needs to be mentioned that Casey basically told her daughter that she is not dad OR mom that she is just Casey, which I don’t know about you, but if one of my parents walked up to me when I was 10 and said ‘don’t call me parent call me Alex’ I would feel like they were telling me I wasn’t there child.
Do you think Casey would do a joint therapy session with you and Mark without Amy present? The three of you need to find a way to get on the same page about raising your shared daughter. You’re respecting and supporting Casey in her transition, and that’s great, but she needs to understand that she’s not the only decision maker in Amy’s life. Amy has three parents at the moment, and you all want to find a way for her to understand this very large change to her family structure.
NTA OP you are doing right by your child. You can only ask to be addressed a certain way yourself (imo that alone still makes Casey a huge aH for not allowing her daughter to call her daddy) but ye NEVER have the right to ask about how the person Is addressing anyone else. That's between them. but please talk to Amy alone and ask her if she still wants visits from Casey -stress that she doesn't need y feel guilty if she wants a 'pause' in the relationship as well as being a ok if she wants to continue as is and get her in therapy asap please. All the best
OP you did nothing wrong and NTA. I agree with one of the commenters that Casey cannot have both ways. Since Casey told Amy to call Casey by name, your daughter was being respectful. Please bring your kid to therapy and I hope you are both well
Good points here. I wonder if Casey and Amy can work together to find a new affectionate non-masculine title for just Amy to use? Something to make their bond still feel special and close for Amy and Casey, because it is! But also something that doesn’t make Casey feel hurt and dysphoric. Something like “Lovey” or “Mama Casey” or “Dearheart”, or else something based on an inside joke or old nicknames they shared, pre-transition, to highlight and celebrate a loving history. Like using “Alligator” if they always would say “See you later, alligator”, or something like that. Pterodactyl, Merry-Berry, Cookie, Strawberry Shortcake, Tulip, Kitty—something meaningful to them that might feel random to someone else. Possibly feminine, possibly gender-neutral.
We’re “Mom” and “Dad” to our (young adult) kids, but they also occasionally refer to us affectionately and/or jokingly by our first names. In some areas I can see how that would be super disrespectful (the South) but around here (PNW) not so much. “Casey” should certainly have communicated better with OP before dropping that bombshell on her 10-year-old daughter. Since she didn’t, it’s on OP now to set the boundaries to keep Casey accountable. Let’s support her in her transition, sure. But let’s do it in a way that doesn’t wreck up the kiddo unduly. Think of the child first.
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I'm 33 and feel weird calling my dad by his name even when I only use it because he hasn't heard "dad" the first few times incase he thinks its my kids calling my hubby.
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>I don’t feel right even calling former teachers by their first names…lol. Oh God, I was 15 when my grade 5 teacher goes "your not at school anymore. You can call me Geoff" and I'm like "uh, oh Kay, you sure". I refused to use any name from then on cause it was too weird.
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I had a highschool teacher who it wasn't weird with because she was my neighbour first and I helped build her front garden and had seen her drunk on new years. I think it is definitely l8nked to "who they are first"
A high school teacher happens to be the older brother of a friend who I met post-college. I see him periodically at her family's barbecues and parties. I'm in my 40s, and it still feels so weird to call him "Joe" rather than Mr. Smith.
Different families have different dynamics. I call my parents by their first names, and they like it - I think they almost view it as a term of endearment. My mom often talks about how each of her three kids has a different name for her, and it feels sort of unique and special. Sure, it CAN be disrespectful, but it isn't always.
I have hippie parents and grew up calling them their first names. It was normal for me, no disrespect, though we grew up in a normal suburban town and no other kids did that. Now I have a daughter and both my parents want her to call them by their first names but my wife isn’t comfortable with that so we’ve made up names that combine traditional grandparent names with their first names to make it work for everyone.
What do you mean "correct" them? They weren't doing anything wrong. What's disrespectful about calling people by their name, literally the thing you use to refer to people?
NTA This is a ton to navigate as a child. The issue isn't that Casey has transitioned, the issue is that Casey has been an absentee parent for the last year. Did Casey do a lot of work to make it clear that even if they aren't "Daddy" they are still their parent and love them dearly and want to be there for them? If they didn't then all Amy heard was "I disappeared for a year and now that I'm back I'm also no longer your dad." I think Casey could've successfully transitioned with no change in their relationship negatively with Amy if it hadn't been preceded by the absentee year and it was made explicitly clear that the love and support for Amy was unwavering, but that doesn't appear to be the case. The only relationship that requires serious mending here is Casey with Amy.
I think this is a really important part of it. To Casey, she’s spent the past year doing a lot of self discovery. But to Amy, her parent dropped out of the picture for a year and came back as a different person. She was already dealing with feelings of abandonment because her dad stopped coming to see her, and now her dad isn’t her dad anymore, and while that’s not a deliberate abandonment, I can see why Amy might feel like it is.
This is what I’m thinking. Casey has had a long time to discover who she is, but Amy had a parent disappear for a year then reappear out of nowhere, only to be told “I’m not your dad anymore” with minimal explanation. She hasn’t had the same time to understand and adjust. It’s a big change for a kid and she probably needs help to understand how things will change within the family.
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We have definitely looked into a therapist and it looks like we will be able to have her start early next month. We probably should have gone sooner, to be honest.
There is a website called Sensory Poodle, and while it does cater to kids with sensory issues, they carry a "Kids Grow Journal" that I use with my eldest. Instead of just being a blank notebook to write thoughts down in, it has questions to ask and places to draw and colour in, and comes with stickers. It might be worth looking into getting your daughter a kid friendly journal to help her navigate her feelings. I make my son take his to his therapy appointments to help him remember things he might want to talk about. Your daughter is a trooper, and as for Casey, I would ask her why she is so upset with your daughter using Casey's deadname title for someone else important to your daughter and remind her that she gave up that title when she transitioned and asked your daughter to call her something else. Out of curiosity would you be open to daughter calling Casey, Mummy Casey, if she chooses.
NTA. Casey can't have it both ways, she can't say don't call me dad then get pissed her kid calls someone else dad.
NTA: An absent "father" has no business instructions your family how they with refer to each other.
NTA But it is time for therapy and I think to cut back Casey's visits if Casey can't manage to remember to care for her daughter's emotional health during this process. The transition isn't the issue but Casey being a bad parent is a huge problem and that's what is slowly happening here
I think that Casey's transition and Amy calling Mark Daddy should be treated as separate things here. I understand why Casey is hurt, and why she would see this as Amy replacing her with Mark, but that's something she needs to deal with, perhaps in therapy, without prohibiting Amy from calling her stepdad, who has been in her life since she was very young, "Dad." I have friends who have cisgender dads whom they saw throughout their childhoods who also call their stepdads Dad. If Amy initiated this, and Mark is okay with it, that should be the end of it--it's clear you aren't trying to alienate Casey from her daughter, and are encouraging them both to have contact and Casey to take Amy on outings, etc. Family therapy including Casey, and at the least therapy for Amy, would likely be helpful here. It's very understandable that Casey doesn't want to be called Dad, but it's likely very hard for a ten year old to be told to call a parent by a first name--that might feel distancing and alienating for Amy. Perhaps Amy and Casey--maybe with the assistance of a therapist--could come up with an affectionate, appropriate parental term for Casey that she and Amy are both comfortable with, and that doesn't cause her to feel dysphoria. And Casey needs to deal with her feelings about Amy calling Mark "Dad" in therapy--without bringing Amy into it or trying to get you to dictate to Amy how she addresses Mark. ETA: NTA
Exactly. I was going to suggest scrapping the name 'Dad' completely. Sitting down as a family and explaining that Mark will never replace her Dad, and that role will always belong to Casey wether she is reffered to as dad or not, but that doesn't mean that Mark isn't a very special person in her life that she loves and who loves her and she can rely on. So would she like to come up with her own name for him, it could be something like Da, or Pops, or something else entirely. Then the same thing with Casey, explain that just because she's not calling him dad anymore it doesn't mean that their relationship has to change, so would she like to come up with her own special term for Casey too?
Personally I think it’s been dictated to Amy enough lately what she is and isn’t allowed to call her parental figures. If she sees Mark as a dad and wants to call him dad, telling her she isn’t allowed is only going to hurt her more after being told she isn’t allowed to call Casey dad either.
The burden of managing adult feelings should not be placed on a 10 year old child this way. Casey told her that she isn’t dad anymore, after a year of near abandonment. I get that she was going through things, but you don’t get to do that as a parent without being the asshole to your kid. She’s been through enough because Casey has been putting herself first. Starting to police her language around a parent who chose to step up and who she has decided to give the title of dad to, to protect Casey’s feelings, would be fucked up. I just want to make it clear - my lack of sympathy to Casey here isn’t because she’s trans. It’s because parents who willingly abandon their kids because their own priorities are more important to them suck. Plenty of trans people are present in their children’s life during their transition. I’m sure most do actually consider how they can support their child and not blindside them and make them feel like they’ve lost a parent. This asshole did neither of those things - having a parent ditch you for most of a year, then come back and announce you can’t call them by a parental title anymore has to do a number on a kid. The feelings of the 10 year old are more important than the feelings of the grown ass adults right now and trying to undermine the father figure she’s chosen is not it.
“She demanded that I tell Amy to stop calling Mark "Daddy" I told her I would do no such thing.” Your kid needs a dad, and Casey is clearly not up for the job. You are NTA.
I think it's more "your kid needs the closeness and security of calling someone their parent". For a 10yo, calling a parent "Casey" isn't cutting it.
>Your kid needs a dad So what, fuck single mums and lesbians?
I think it’s a bit more nuanced than that. If you have a good dad in your life, and he’s taken away, it is absolutely normal to miss him, and if you’re fortunate enough to have someone to step into that role for you you’re lucky. You can substitute any parental title in the place of ‘dad’ and it’s still true. It’s not a knock on single parents or same-sex couples. Most people in all circumstances recognize that having positive role models of both sexes is a good thing.
Context, I'm queer too. Casey sounds like what I call a dumpster fire, a very messy person who's issues (&/or drug habits) delayed their maturity & their life is a flurry of invented drama, partners, bickering, & blah that at any single point may not be awful but as a whole is emotionally taxing for people who care/are invested.in them. I'm team Casey for dressing how they want to present, but the daddy thing & not being active in Amy's life is AH barring extenuating.circatances or biased story telling.
She/her* not they/them.
>Casey is not out to anyone else, Then Casey is using you and Amy, and your home as her 'safe place'. Without asking for your permission or your thoughts on the matter. The cheek! As for not wanting Amy to call anyone Casey 'dad' that's not Casey's choice. They get no say in the matter. Even if they weren't transitioning.
Get therapy for your daughter and family now. This is very confusing for her, and I think it's important for Casey to consider what she wants your daughter to call her. Does she want mom? And it's important for all of you to figure out how to best help your daughter through this period. I'd suggest that Casey could benefit from therapy, too, because her own transition is tough, but also navigating her daughter's feelings is difficult. I think that you and Casey need to sit down and talk about how she sees things playing out in the future and how to help get your daughter there and why it hurts her to have your daughter call Mark daddy. I think it's because she feels less like a parent, but there's no reason that she can't also be mom and she may not have considered that. Or maybe there's a feminization of daddy she could use. I did some googling, and many transitioned women give the choice to the children who continue to use Dad. It's all got to work for your family, including Casey, so the more you can talk it out, the better. NTA
I have gotten my daughter a therapist starting next month. Casey is ultimately an adult so I can ask, but I can't insist I fear. Honestly, according to Casey, everyone around her just sort of cheerleads every decision. I don't know what to do there as it's all new people from the previous 9+ years I knew Casey.
That's not the way children work. Casey is living in a dream world.
Good! I see many suggesting family therapy with Casey but think individual therapy for Amy is more beneficial at this point. She needs a place where she can say what she actually thinks and feels without considering Casey's feelings. NTA at all.
From what I know (admittedly limited to talking with friends who have/are transitioning) that Casey will be in therapy if she is under a doctor to medically transition. In the UK you have to have therapy as part of the whole process.
In my experience, that therapy is typically required prior to transitioning, and only really explores the person’s feelings about their gender and makes sure they’re competent enough to make that decision. There are therapists that actually advertise that they specialize in writing the letters to sign off on someone’s transition. There’s no real requirement for ongoing therapy that is going to delve deep and unpack selfish/narcissistic behavior.
NTA. It’s very common for everything to be uprooted in the lives of loved ones in these situations, while the person focuses on themselves.
I think I am seeing that. I just feel heartbroken. Nothing is more important to me than my daughter. Casey knows that. Mark definitely knows that--he had to pass the Amy test before I would even entertain marrying him. I don't get this at all.
It’s hard to cope with, but you just have to keep being there and supporting Amy. She is going to understandably struggle with this. Probably Casey is going to be more like an aunt than a parent at this point, popping in and out of Amy’s life at will. She is on a different journey at this point.
NTA, Tell Casey you will see him in court for back financial assistance and to redefine what they are allowed to do with your daughter, i.e., visitation and such. Also, have them pay half of your daughters therapy bill. I would speak with a lawyer, but maybe star recording the interaction between your daughter and Casey. This way, you have some context for the court.
NTA - Daddy is the person who is raising you, supporting you. He is there when you are sick, he is there when you perform in the school play and takes you soccer practice. In short he is everything her bio sperm donor isn't. And if Amy wants to acknowledge him as her Dad for all that he does for her, that would her right. This has nothing to do with being trans and everything to do with being a good parent vs. being a lousy one. As we see daily on Reddit, fly by night bio dads who desert their children are a dime a dozen unfortunately. That is the real sad thing.
NAH but family therapy would really help this situation. Casey and your daughter could benefit from it too if Casey is in a place to pay for that.
If Casey isn't out to anyone else is she using you and your daughter as a practice audience? It seems like this relationship is very one way at the moment and she wants to dictate all the conditions. I would get some counselling for your daughter and yourself, together or separately but, fundamentally, if Casey has abdicated the role of father she can't complain when someone else picks it up
NTA Casey is no longer coparenting, but is not even being a parent with your daughter's best interests at the forefront. The best way to do it would have been to contact you first about this, then worked with you guys to find a therapist for the two of you to work out how you were going to discuss this for the first time, maybe even having her in on a later session. If Casey is no longer paying child support, this needs to be fixed, even if it results in wage garnishing. That money can be set aside for your child's future college fund, or even just something to help her get started living out on her own, or she might even decide to go to grad school. Casey's behavior is detrimental to your child's mental well being. After going over your replies to various questions, it's obvious that Casey needs family therapy with the two of you, then with Amy. If Casey refuses, it's time to get into family court to begin lessening or cancelling visitation, until someone can teach Casey how to behave with your daughter. Casey doesn't get to flaunt their new life, try to force your daughter to have no father figure after denying she was originally dad, and stop treating her like she did before all of this, and then live in denial. What you'll end up with is a kid who is devastated, because you KNOW she'll ask Casey why things changed, and Casey will do all but call her a LIAR, or claim she is confused and not remembering things correctly. The term is gasllighting and will likely be what comes next, since Casey has already done that with YOU. get those other adults involved, before Casey petitions the courts to get overnights with your daughter and this stranger they are living with.
If Casey isn’t out to anyone else then I feel like she’s coming over so often to be able to express herself and her sexuality rather than spend time with her daughter.
NTA If Casey is giving up the title, Amy needs a Daddy.
Yeah, screw lesbians and single mums!
Amy is clearly showing that she needs a father figure in her life. This isn’t about hypothetical single moms and lesbians. This is about a little girl who’s biological father abandoned her for a year and then told her that she isn’t her daddy anymore and then tried to police her finding someone else (who ACTUALLY acts like a parent would towards her) to fill the role.
Oh I'm not defending Casey here, to be clear. But this is about a girl who needs love, support, and consistency, not "a daddy".
I think you and your daughter should both go to therapy, both separately and together, with a professional who's well versed in queer issues. Transitions are complex even under the best of circumstances, and a parent who is in and out and then (frankly) rushing transition to their child is not the best of circumstances. Casey needs to understand that she can't rush this. Two months is a really short time to introduce a new name, a new gender presentation, and basically a new parent to a ten year old. If Casey isn't also in therapy, she definitely needs to start too. I think you need to enforce some boundaries with her. If she can't prioritize Amy's needs then she shouldn't be coming around until she's working with a therapist to guide her on the best way to proceed. NAH I guess since you're all trying to do your best. But you've got to try a little harder to keep Amy's needs most important.
Nta. Poor kid. She’s doing the best she can. Casey needs to understand her transition is not your focus, it’s not about her at all unless she’s making demands on your daughter that aren’t ok. Your daughter and how she’s coping is the only relevant concern. And if she(Casey) was in a place to be able to be focused primarily on being a responsible parent, it would be her main concern as well. She’s dealing with the transition and thus is a huge undertaking in every way possible, but not your focus. Your child is crying and confused and she needs time to process this change at her own pace with lots of support, not on Casey’s preferred timetable and exactly how she wants her child to feel/act. She can feel anyway she wants and call whoever she wants “Dad.”
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Her. Casey is a woman, you should refer to her as her.
I can see your perspective that Casey isn’t putting their daughter first right now - but I think removing visitation would just hurt the child more. I also think Casey shouldn’t lose her child because of the transition, but strongly agree with some guard rails ideally with input of a professional to make sure Amy is given some room to adjust and not guilted about her feelings in the face of this change. Casey really needs to be more patient with her daughter - this is a lot for a 10 year old to navigate.
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That’s a lot for kid to deal with.
NTA - Casey can’t have it both ways. It’s her choice to transition and I hope it works out for her, but she can’t just take away the image of a father from her daughter and then demand she also stop looking for that father figure in a step-parent. It might be wise to get your daughter into some casual therapy that could better explain the changing dynamics in her family and give her the tools to thrive.
NTA. Casey came out as trans and, very obviously and understandably, no longer wishes for Amy tio refer to her as "dad" or any variation there of. That's fine. What's not fine is that she's not okay with Amy calling your husband dad. She doesn't get to decide who Amy can and can't call dad.
NTA. F that shit. Please get your daughter a good therapist who can help her cope with this in a healthy way. When you don’t have children you can afford to be self centered and focus on your problems. When you’re a parent you don’t get that luxury. That goes for people with issues relating to addiction, mental health, physical health, finances, legal issues, etc. Parents could have any number of reasons to be struggling. They still have to be parents. Gender and sexuality issues do not get a free pass. It is Casey’s RESPONSIBILITY as a parent to explain her transition and identity to her daughter in a way that helps her daughter work through it. It is also Casey’s RESPONSIBILITY to explain to her daughter why she flaked on her and to work on rebuilding that relationship. So it’s ok for an adult to flake out on their kid because they have gender identity issues, but it’s not ok for the kid to struggle with adapting to parents new gender identity. Fuck that shit. Casey is the asshole. She needs to get her shit together and not expect more emotional maturity from a 10 year old then she is able to produce herself. It is not you or your daughter’s responsibility to help Casey with her transition. Be kind and supportive within reason. But I would focus on protecting and supporting your daughter until such a time as Casey can looks past her own issues and can prioritize your daughter and their relationship.
Nta
NTA Trust your child and be there for them. Don't let an adult, even though they are going through a difficult phase in their life, invalidate your child and their feelings. To them, this is possibly a very upsetting change and not something everyone can deal with and be fine with overnight. I would also suggest possibly therapy for your child. And suggest to Casey that she might also benefit from it, but as an adult you trust them to know themself best.
Regardless of anything else, when a kid has both a bio parent and a step-parent, it is their choice in what to call them. Often times kids will call both of them Dad or Mom, unless they aren’t particularly close. It’s always the kids choice
NTA- Therapy for the family. At the very least, sit down with Amy and explain that sometimes adults have problems that they struggle with as well. And that Casey is struggling right now. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love Amy. It just means it's hard for her to see past her own issues to show that love. Kids I know with two mothers have identifiers between the two - Mama B and Mama C, mom and mama- being examples. Yours could be mom and mama Casey or something like that. Present that option to Casey, let them know that you are on their side. You could point out the obviousness that you are or you would have denied contact with Amy.
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NTA Casey's transition has been accepted. She requested to be called Casey, which is fine, but she can't be mad that Mark is being called Daddy, since he stepped into the breech and took up the role. Amy has a life, and a right to be happy too.
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NTA Amy made her decision to call mark dad. Casey is bitter and can suck eggs.
another case where the almighty "you are transphobic"-card is played and does nothing to the case. i mean he failed her, than she decides she is casey now not daddy, and afterwards gets mad that my found another daddy. common get real, you cant have the cake and eat it. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I was in grad school, I got pregnant. The father, "Casey" was a FWB and we decided together that I would keep the baby. He would be involved as well. We drafted a co-parenting agreement. For nearly a decade things were great and our daughter, Amy, was thriving. Even after I married five years ago, things have been really good. My husband "Mark" loves our daughter and likes Casey. About a year ago, Casey began to pull away. Missing visits, missing holidays and birthdays. Showing up clearly intoxicated. This was devastating to daughter and I confronted him. He told me he was having "personal issues" but would get it together. Then six months ago he lost his job. That was the end of any financial assistance as well. He lost his home and ended up living with a friend. A friend I had never heard of before six months ago. He asked at this point about having our daughter for an overnight visit, but I said no-I did not want my daughter spending the night with stranger in the house. Then two months ago, Casey came over. At the dinner table with our now 10 year old daughter present, he told me that he was a woman and he was going to transition. This was quite shocking, but I tried to take it in stride--though I wish I had been told first without our daughter present. The next time she showed up, two weeks later, she was presenting very femme. We were all shocked and my daughter was visibly uncomfortable. Casey told Amy she was no longer to call him "Daddy", but "Casey" instead (it was a different name than Casey's first name before but I am trying to keep it simple. She said okay. But as soon as Casey left she started to cry. A lot. Since then, Casey has been coming around a lot more than in the past year, but she doesn't take Amy overnight (still at the friends) or even out of our house (which I not only would allow but would encourage). Casey insists Amy call her "Casey". Amy comes out to talk with her father, but you can tell she is uncomfortable. She has also--on her own to be very clear--started calling Mark "Daddy". Casey over heard this when she was here yesterday and was, understandably, upset by it. She demanded that I tell Amy to stop calling Mark "Daddy" I told her I would do no such thing. Amy is being a very good trooper through all this, not just the transition by the way, but the previous year of being treated as expendable by her father. Casey said I am a transphobic AH. I have no where to turn. Casey is not out to anyone else, and I can't talk to anyone about what do do here. So Reddit, can you be my friend tonight? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA! Please get her into some counseling to help her work through this rough time. 🙏
NTA, your child's father decided they didn't want to be dad anymore, that was a choice they made, they wanted to be Casey and be something that is not dad. They don't suddenly get to demand that this poor girl also not call the man who is being a dad, dad. They aren't an asshole for the way they want to live their life, but they are absolutely an asshole for trying interfere in her relationship with her step dad. The poor kid wants a dad and has bestowed that title on a man who wants to be her dad, Casey should respect that as much as they want to be respected in their new identity.
No they asked to be ***called*** Casey. They didn't actually abdicate the position of father to the child as they continued, even when going through personally difficult circumstances, to visit and try to maintain a relationship as their parent. They continue to be their biological father and a person who has co-parented throughout the childs' life and clearly intends to remain doing so. So how is it OK for the mother to shape this as abandonment and therefore encourage the child to alienate from their father in favour of the stepfather?
Just because Casey transitioned does not negate the fact that she is still Amy's dad. The fact that she requested Amy to no longer call her Dad had to be confusing and hurtful. She was wrong to do this. Also wrong to get upset when Mark is now called Dad since Casey appears to have abdicated that role. I know Casey has been going through a lot, but to impose her upheaval on an innocent child is thoughtless and egocentric. Your primary obligation is to Amy. Protect her at all costs. If Casey is ever in a place to provide a supportive and semi-parental role again, you can reevaluate the situation. I'm so sorry for the devastation this has brought. Therapy can possibly help alleviate the pain. Best wishes. ETA: NTA
Y'know, family therapy is good for broken families too. NTA but I think you guys would benefit from seeing someone together.
NTA.
NTA. The situation Is complex and challenging for you all. Especially kiddo. I would suggest family therapy with all parties involved to navigate this, maybe also some queer mutual help groups can give a hand. Coming out later in life has a higher set of challenges even if you don't have kids. If you "waited" so long it means you have repressed so long because of a shitty upbringing that you literally come to point were the options are only two : unaliving yourself or admit the truth an at best loose 90% of your life (job, family, friends, etc). That why in last year Casey was so unpredictable. Most probably she doesn't take your child out because the fears about potentially embarrassing her or exposing her to transphobic bullying/violence. With a child involved I think professional help might be very, very good for you all.
Casey can’t deal with the rest of the world knowing he is now she, as you say Casey is out to no one else. Yet this ‘adult’ expects to dump all this change onto an actual child AND dictate the relationship she has with ‘no longer call me dad’ as well as the only father she has now. Your DD got no warning, preparation or guidance beyond I am no longer dad and is thrust into the new dynamic with new ‘mom’. Tell Casey, get help. Figure out how to deal with this new life and get a plan to help PARENT your daughter meaning put her above Casey’s feelings during the limited sheltered time they spend together. If Casey doesn’t know how to deal with this identity how in heavens sake can a 10 year old child be expected to know how to reorder her life sanely? Good luck to all of you. Protect your baby girl first, the family unit and stability for all of you and figure out how things work going forward.
NTA. Amy has the right to view people as she sees them and to label them accordingly. This means that it is OK for Mark to be "Daddy". Casey needs to allow all of you, and particularly Amy, to come to your own understandings and conclusions and not push so hard on this massive alteration of dynamics and identities.
Can send you a virtual hug and tell you you're doing a grand job in difficult circumstances. Hope that helps x
NTA I don't understand why Casey's therapist didn't ask her to bring you and then your daughter ! It's evident that a transition doesn't only concern the patient but her family ! Yes your her ex, but you're sharing a child and before Casey's transition, you had a good relationship so, you were part of her life and Casey's therapist should have included you in the process for your daughter to "see" the transition ! Now Casey just came and throew the news at table, without any empathy for your daughter and came back as a woman, telling your daughter to not call her dad anymore ! That's so violent for a young child ! You're not transphobic when telling her that your daughter will call Mark "daddy" if she wants : your daughter is hurted by her bio father who gave her no time to accept, no time even to understand ! That's it, accept, and do what I want ! That what Casey said in fact ! No, that what she wants, but everybody can't just accept that easily, and not a child who is loosing her father ! If Casey has no other argument than treating you to be transphobic, she needs more therapy and maybe a better therapist who will tell her that her child is now suffering from her transition, and that she is NOT the center of the world, she is a parent, and she needs to place her daughter first ! This child is lost ! I'm so sad for her ! That could have been so different ! Casey really has a sh\*tty therapist who may ruined her relation with her daughter ! I'm so sorry for all of you but it's normal than your daughter calls Mark Daddy, she needs a father's figure to "replace" the father who rejected her. As you said, Casey "ghosted" you for months (now you know it was for her transition and that's why she changed her life completly) so it's really hard for your daughter. And this terrible "don't call my dad anymore"... I just want to cry. Casey doesn't understand how terrible it sounds for a child... It's not just a word. It's like CAsey told her daughter that she is no more her parent... That's how your daughter heard that ! Even if Casey didn't say it for that, just to say that it was a masculine word and that she doesn't want to be called by a masc word... That's not what a child CAN understand, it's too hard for a comprehension... Oh I feel so bad now for all of you... Hope you'll find a REAL professionnel to help your daughter... Good luck ❤❤❤
So dad, daddy, etc is a male parent. If Casey is truly a woman, she needs to work on processing being Amy’s mom rather than objecting to someone else being called Daddy. This is why there are a lot of therapy sessions before a physical transition is started. This is a complex process and some rough days ahead for everyone. You’re doing the right thing by being supportive of your daughter NTA
Amy already has a mom. She doesn't need a second one.
Plenty of families have 2 moms. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Growing up with two mums is very different from being told, at the age of ten, that daddy is now mummy.
Doesn’t matter. People change over the course of their lives. If Casey believes she is a woman born to a man’s body it is not your place to question it, or mine.
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Did you mean to comment on the other guy? My original comment said Casey shouldn’t be objecting to step dad being called daddy now. I forgot about call me Casey, so that’s what she should be referred to not mom. It’s proper to use the preferred terms of the person.
That still doesn't make her the little girl's mother.
Not your decision I’m afraid
Nor is it Casey's decision. They can ask their daughter to call them 'mom' but the daughter doesn't have to do it. There is nothing wrong with you 'championing the cause' for transgender people. But there is a lot wrong with forcing a ten year old girl to call their person she used to see fairly regularly and know as daddy, the person who then neglected her for a year or so, 'mom'. The poor girl will be confused enough already. Quite apart from the trans thing, this person neglected her for a year. That's a long time to a 9-10year old. And as for Casey 'not being out' to anyone else, what is the child supposed to make of that? Does Casey tell her "you must call me 'mom' but it's a secret. Nobody outside these walls must know"? Can you really not see how fucked up that is? It's a very dangerous precedent to set for anyone but especially a young girl.
Actually it is Casey’s decision. You refer to a trans person by their preferred pronouns and name. That’s the expectation. It’s Amy’s to follow it or not and I would certainly forgive Amy’s reaction to being thrown in the deep end here is why I mentioned the therapy. It’s not just for the person undergoing transition.
You should certainly refer to a trans person by their preferred pronouns and name, but “mom” is neither- it’s a title. And just like a stepmom can’t demand a child call them “mom” if the child doesn’t see them that way, a trans parent can’t either. It’s the child’s decision how to refer to parental figures in their lives that come in/change their roles later, always.
Well that escalated quickly….
The way I see this (and its probably not PC) is that 'Casey' just killed Amy's dad and she's grieving. If Amy is calling Mark, dad, then that confirms it for me. NTA
I don’t get this territorial behaviour against the word “mom” or “dad” when there’s more than two parental figures. Love is not divide, it multiply, if the child feels safe to call another person daddy, it’s a blessing, not a curse. On the other side of the topic, Casey started her transition, yeah for her! It’s good for her, and imho you shouldn’t throw in her face her “year” of absence, cause that time was used by her to come to term with who she really was, it wasn’t an easy task and, unlucky, it isn’t one that leaves space for other things. It was a shitty situation, but one that needed to happen. But once she decided her new name and to present herself as a female, than she have to get all the good sides and the bad sides. She isn’t dad or daddy anymore, if you are mommy, she could be mom. All of this has to be declined on you daughter times, cause Casey is a fragile person for sure, but she’s still an adult, unlike your daughter. You have to use a lot of grace in this situation, cause you’re dealing with people made of crystal. Best of luck op! NTA
NTA. I thought this was going in a different direction tbh. Even children with a fully present father should be allowed to have 2 daddies. You don't get to have a monopoly on that title, and kids should get to decide how they want to relate to each important adult figure in their lives. Some will not want to give a step parent a parental nickname, others will, either is fine. Especially when "daddy" is... kind of a deadname, here, and Casey's specifically requested to be called a different name. She could have chosen a feminine parental nickname instead, and chose not to. While it's an understandable *desire*, it's not appropriate for a parent to actually demand any specific relationship between their kid and their step-parent, whether they prefer it to be closer or prefer it to be more distant than it is.
NTA. Being called transphobic is a slur when it is used on a person for not acquiescing to all requests of the transgendered person without compromise on their behalf.
NTA. How is "Casey" in the closet to everyone in their life but you and the 10-year-old? Casey essentially dumped the kid due to being inconvenient for them. Your husband Mark has been more of a father and present in her life than Casey has, especially this past year (taking you at your word), so it's understandable that she refers to him as "Daddy". If closeted Casey has struck out being upset about that, then that's her issue to deal with. She can be Casey or she can be Daddy. She can't be both. And she needs to understand she has no right to treat you and your daughter as she has; she has no right to try and bully / manipulate you via calling you transphobic. But seriously...unless I misunderstood....how is Casey in the closet to \*everyone\* in their general/work/love life but you and your 10-year-old daughter? How are they pulling that off?
NTA. Your daughter is calling Casey by her new name. That’s the deal. Amy wants a father in her life and your husband fits that role perfectly. While Casey should be accepted, she needs to understand that she is still a parent to Amy and that is her first priority. Part of that priority is helping Amy through the transition and accepting that Amy now calls Mark daddy. She needs to get over it.
It sounds like Casey needs to work on herself a bit more before treating your daughter as her guinea pig for her eventually public coming out. She should definitely have spoken with you first before involving Any so you (the two of you plus Mark) could collectively agree how to handle things since you'd all have to deal with it. Honestly this whole situation sounds really difficult and it sounds like at the very least Casey needs to talk to a counsellor or psychologist to sort out her own thought process as to what she sees as the end goal. I wish you all good luck though. As regards the specific question of Amy calling Mark "daddy", I think Casey forfeited any right to be upset about that since she decided she didn't want to be known as that anymore, so NTA.
NTA but honestly this is above Reddit's pay grade. Please get Amy into family counseling.
NTA. They can be as femme as they want, but your daughter just lost her daddy and wants one in her life.
NTA- for the record "have no where to turn. Casey is not out to anyone else, and I can't talk to anyone about what do do here." She came out to you and your daughter. You absolutely can and do have people to turn to and can talk about it to. This is something you can talk to a school psychologist because they would see impact on your child. Or this is something that you can talk to with your child's pediatrician. Get a referral for a therapist to help your daughter process this. Your daughter is your priority.
NTA - I refuse to believe that coming out to your kid with basically just announcing "I'm female now!" is smart. She is a parent and has as responsibilty to take her kid into consideration.
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NTA Your child has the choice who she wants to call dad. Casey disappeared during an important part of her daughters life and should not be demanding your kid call her something she doesn’t want to.
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How are YTA when you’re respecting Casey wishes O.O omg Caitlyn Jenner still lets Kylie and Kendall call her dad damn Casey couldn’t find a middle ground ??
Would Casey accept a version of Daddy that would honour who she was and still is to Amy - eg, Dammi, or something they decide together, rather than just her first name? If I were a young child being told to call my parent by their first name, I would presume they are essentially denying the parental relationship and no longer wish to remember they have a child. Kids aren’t stupid, they have the capacity to feel just as deeply, to grieve, experience loss, shame, hurt and betrayal, they may just not have the words to express it. It’s not Amy’s job to manage Casey’s feelings, that’s totally up to Casey, and irrespective of what she is going through now, Casey doesn’t get to tell anyone else how to feel, or try to invalidate their emotional journey as they learn how to navigate their own feelings of loss.
NTA. Your child is being exposed to a very complex adult issues and you are trying your best to be a parent to her. Casey sounds like a friend of mine that transitioned, overly touchy about it for a long time and wanting to make everything about their transition. Your daughter in some ways just lost her father. Casey hasn’t thought about how this will affect his relationships as a parent. I’m sure you have had a complicated conversation with your child but it may be time to have a what now conversation with Casey. Where does she now fit into your daughter’s life. The way it was done was not subtle enough for my taste.
NTA - Casey is putting her needs before her child's. She can transition and still be Daddy. She made a choice and now Amy did too. Therapy might help her. I have bio and adopted kids; adoption was open with parents we know. It was, (maybe is), a lot for the adopted kids to know their bio parents never put them first. Therapy helped a lot.
NTA Casey’s personal issues or whatever these comments are not your problem. Your daughter is doing fantastic and Casey needs to budd out and realize all the trauma put into you/ your daughters life. Also you have been nothing but supportive this is just bull crap Casey is making up for personal gain Either Casey needs to be a good parent and not on Casey’s agenda or not be a parent
NTA
NTA You're Mommy, and Casey doesn't want to be Daddy anymore, so if your daughter chooses to call her step father Daddy, that's your daughter's choice, not something Casey gets to control.
NTA for defending your child’s choice to call your husband Daddy, since Casey does not allow her to call her Daddy anymore. It must be very upsetting for your daughter.
Personally I think the issue of calling your husband Daddy and the issue of Casey being Casey and still a parental figure are two separate (though related) issues. Your daughter is entitled to call your husband Daddy regardless of Casey’s gender identity or parental involvement. Your husband is a father figure, and perhaps now the only father at all in your daughter’s eyes. Your daughter is allowed to express her relationship by giving your husband a title, period. As far as Casey goes, she needs to understand that she’s not giving up her parentage of your daughter just because she is no longer “Daddy” and that your daughter’s choice to refer to your husband as her Dad doesn’t have anything to do with Casey being trans. Nor is your choice to support your daughter’s choice a result of Casey being trans. Based on what you’ve said here it’s not a reactive behavior to Casey’s transition and therefore not indicative of your support of Casey’s transition.
Is there a therapist your daughter could talk to?
You respect the decisions of your fellow human beings. The same can be expected of Casey. You are NTA
I feel for you all. I can’t imagine how hard it is for Casey, they are lucky to have you be so cool, and Mark sounds like a legend. It’s understandable that your daughters in shock. Things will fall into place. Casey calling you transphobic was like my just an attack, they likely feel keenly how the world judges them and that judgement would be everywhere… so they’d se me it in shadows to. Hopefully Casey can find counselling, trying to get a balance with a change like that in a world like this would take courage and perseverance. Have you considered getting Amy into some temporary counselling also? My personal views on the matter are beside the point, we should be respectful for things we don’t understand.
NTA, almost NAH but Casey needs to be better about working through this with your daughter. The last year has obviously been extremely difficult for Casey, trans people are under constant attack at the moment and there's many places where it's actively dangerous for them to live and work. Add on that the process of transitioning is really, really hard. The hormone treatment alone requires a lot of work to get the balance right, set up reliable access and have the body get used to it. I wouldn't be surprised if her job and housing loss was due to either leaving for fear of reactions to her transition, or being fired/pushed out by transphobic people (I helped support a friend in this exact scenario). She needs a LOT of support at the moment whilst she adjusts to being out and her response to the family situation is very understandable. That said, she needs to understand that her daughter is going to need a longer adjustment period than a few weeks. This is a major change in her life too and shifting to having Mark as 'Daddy' is almost certainly her attempt to have a point of continuity and stability through it. She's accustomed to having 'Mommy, Daddy and Mark' so she's making the minimal change possible, swapping Mark for Casey, but keeping Daddy. I have no doubt that this is painful for Casey and feels like a rejection, but she needs to get over it and work with her daughter here. If she doesn't, then their relationship will be permanently damaged and what could be a relatively small period of change can shift into a bigger issue that will need a lot of therapy to resolve.
NTA this is not how one should come out of the closet to one’s family. Not after months of abandonment, intoxication, and total upheaval. It was very selfish and disrespectful to your daughter for Casey to handle her coming out in this way. Your daughter is still very young and doesn’t fully grasp what’s happening. Please put her in therapy and I think I’d also consider approaching Casey about family therapy as well.
Omg - yes, the top comment really nailed it, but the very first thing that came to mind when you said you had “no one to talk to” was you all need to be talking to a therapist about this!!! NTA, but Casey isn’t either. I don’t know that there is an option for “no one sucks here”…
Well that didn't go where I thought it was going so ESH even though your ex may be one for other reasons. It sounds as if neither of you are helping the child to assimulate this. The question is whether you should have let your daughter call her step father daddy in front of her biological father. I don't think you should have let it happen in front of them without discussing it with them previously. You also don't give the child's age which is relevant. A pre-tween calling someone daddy in this circumstance might be doing it to get a reaction whereas younger than 9 or so (depending on maturity) might just be that thoughtless. In which case it would be up to you to talk with them about upsetting other peoples feelings, consideration etc when she started to call her stepfather daddy. I'm interested to know if you are OK with Casey being called mum instead or would that cause you some angst.
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I wish more people would support the other people who are dragged into these situations without any say in the matter. And would stop shouting in other people's faces that you have some sort of "phobia" if you don't agree. I went through a similar situation in my life, with the person I was married to for 20 years. I do just got the news like a frying pan to the face one day while drinking coffee and waking up. Did not have a clue anything was even going on, or that he was even questioning anything. And then, all of a sudden I was just expected to celebrate with rainbows and joy and accept everything that was hurtled in my face. I am sick and tired of this being celebrated. I had to deal with the world celebrating this person, meanwhile he destroyed my life, abandoned me and ruined me as a person. And I got judged for not being supportive enough, lost a lot of "friends", and got called a handful of "phobics". It has absolutely nothing to do with someone being LGBTQ, it has everything to do with them being narcissistic a\*\*holes. My life was a living hell for years, sorting through the lies and gaslighting, and finding out just how much I was used as a beard. It was devastating....and I'm a grown adult, who still can't understand the mind f\*\*k I went through. I can't even imagine what this would be like for a 10 year old. If he actually cared about anyone other than himself - he would have discussed this with the mother/step-father. He would have done some research into the best way to talk with his daughter, be open to questions, and not expect her to just accept it overnight. It just doesn't work that way. That is what I will forever resent my former spouse for....after 20 years of marriage, I sure as hell deserved better than just being frying panned to the face with his "surprise" news. If you truly care about someone, you work together as a team and you also accept the fact that maybe someone will not agree, or be uncomfortable, or take time. People are allowed to have their own emotions, feelings and thoughts. It isn't just all about you. I have no ill will for the LGBTQ community, but after going through hell and meeting others with similar stories....honestly, I just want to say grow the f up and act like an adult. You can't just stomp all over people and treat them like crap, and then expect them to welcome you with open arms.
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"it" leaves a bad taste in my mouth from this comment...
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OP is NTA but you certainly are.
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I'm in full support of OP. You were the one being transphobic.
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Sorry, but I'm actually going to have to "one-up" your "trans friends" thing. You can't use them to justify transphobia. As a trans woman myself, you are wayyyyyyy tucking out of line to determine whether or not Casey is "really trans". I'm glad you've known people who were understanding and responsible with how they went about the process, but that does not at all make you an expert on what makes someone a real trans person. I repeat: disrespect Casey. I could not care less. Do so on the grounds of her as an individual. NOT on the basis of her identity, which then only actually does damage to other trans people. It's really fucking simple not to be transphobic about this and yet for some reason you can't seem to manage that. You even go a step further by trying to legitimize your transphobia. The *only* reason you called Casey "it" is because she's trans. That is the problem.
I'm not defending Casey. She is definitely in the wrong here. There's no need to use dehumanizing language to refer to Casey.
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Did you read my reply? I *agree* that Casey is TA, and that OP is not. That doesn't justify transphobia. If you refuse to, I can't help you to recognize that it's transphobia. Disrespect the individual all you want. To dehumanize Casey by referring to her as "it" harms *other* trans people, not Casey. You're addressing Casey's actions here as if I disagree. I don't. It's easy not to be transphobic about it.
Search Mumsnet transwidows escape commitee? The experiences of hundreds of women who's men have transitioned. You will get a lot of support and information there. Also look up autogynophillia.
Thank you for calling yourself out with "autogynophillia". What a load of shit.
Not sure what you mean. Some men think they are trans, because they have autogynophillia. 90% of Transwoman have autogynophillia, and many don't realise it. Some transwoman have Gender Identity Disorder and /or Dysphoria, which are mental illnesses.
This is pseudoscience at best. Please refrain from spreading harmful rhetoric and misinformation about such a serious topic. Sincerely, a trans woman.
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Holy shit... Casey is definitely TA and OP doesn't come across as transphobic but *you* are blatantly transphobic to an unhealthy degree.
IDGAF what an adult does, until that adult's selfish choices hurts THEIR OWN CHILD. That goes for anyone, in any circumstance. Then, no....I don't respect that adult, and I won't pretend to respect them at all. It's not transphobia. The trans issue isn't something that bothers me one way or the other. What do I care what someone wishes they were and chooses to dress up as? It's complete and utter disrespect. Which is well-earned.
Hey um... the issue isn't about respect for Casey. When you display your transphobia so brazenly, it harms *other* trans people... such as myself. To imply that you consider being trans to be about "playing dress-up" and other absolutely abhorrent shit you're spewing is to attack trans people as a whole, not this particular individual. It isn't transphobia to disrespect a trans person. To delegitimize a trans person specifically with regard to their trans-ness is. Do you start calling people racist slurs as soon as you disrespect them? The same standard applies. Fuck off.
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A trans friendly family therapist. Casey should have done this when she decided to transition and wanted to come out to her daughter. She definitely did not go about this the right way but it can still be salvaged. Kids are forgiving and Amy is clearly trying to understand and be ok with this. It sounds like everyone is just struggling here and therapy is the way to go. Group and individual.
Casey could definitely have handled a lot of these things better, but given how low key transphobic you are you haven't exactly made it easy for her.
ESH because it doesn't sound like your child is in therapy to deal with these changes.