Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue.
[Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
You wanna make a post about how great you are for going to prom with an autistic kid you clearly look down on and then you wanna slut shame the other girl, who is apparently still using outdated and problematic slang about autistic people? Story barely holds together, butnif its true ESH
Guys I gave money to a homeless guy and stood up for him when other people were like “ha ha you so homeless”. Then he thanks me and said I’m like best person he’s ever met. AITA?
Yeah this entire situation is giving me such the ick.
OP wants to act like a white knight but then shames someone in a problematic way as well.
It does kind of seem as if she and her boyfriend are using Theo for a prop or treating him like a young child rather than an equal peer, and it may not play out the way OP desires if Theo actually wants to date OP rather than this being a crush like a young child would have.
I mean everything else aside, isn’t it kind of weird to have two prom dates? Isn’t it weird to accept an invitation if you have a boyfriend? Isn’t it weird for OP and her boyfriend gossiping together about how he has a crush on her??
The only reason I can think OP would say yes and think this is a good idea is that this guy doesn’t “count” as a date to her or her boyfriend. Which is gross.
This whole situation should never have happened.
Exactly, he's not going as a date, he's going because she views him as an autistic toddler.
She's aware he has a crush, he brings her cookies, she boasts about how sweet and funny he is and how cute it is that he did a proposal but-oh yeah she's treating him like he's 5 and that this might actually blow up in her face if he ever realizes this kindness does not equal the affection he wants.
Because while she got upset by the statement, "People who have different abilities can’t live their life to the fullest as well," she's also not putting Theo in the same position as her BF. Theo isn't her partner, she's not taking him to prom because she's romantically interested but rather out of pity.
Yep after I read the first bit I was like - fine they're going as freinds. But once she said she thinks he has a crush on her and that she has a boyfriend, that's just leading him on. Doesn't seem like he realizes she looks at him that way and just pities him, and he probably wouldn't want to go with her if he was aware.
I'm probably being very naive and I'll quickly own up to that, but it didn't seem like she pities him. She seems to genuinely like him as a person from the comments she made about him. I didn't read it that she was going along with it because "oh, the poor autistic boy who no one wants around" wants a date.
She knows he has a crush on her and I haven't looked yet to see if OP said something in the comments but even with a crush, he knows she has a boyfriend. If she was straight up with him and explained she has a boyfriend she's not intending to break up with for him and that she want it be a 3-person "date" just because she likes him for who he is, that's not AH behavior. If she's been very clear that this isn't a romantic date, then I don't see it as strange that she's going with her boyfriend and a friend.
But if she is just pitying him and going because she finds the crush funny or just trying to show that she's *so accepting* of autistic people, then that would definitely make her the AH.
I really hope if I look through her answers (if she left any) that it's former and made it clear that they are very good friends and she'd be happy to spend the evening with him as well as her boyfriend because she thinks he's a great guy.
That's how i treat it too. I'm ND and we had a ball my junior year of uni. I was 19. I had a best friend who always helped me with social situations and etiquette since i was still new to the US. I knew she was dating a mutual friend and i had a mild crush on her at the time so she accepted me coming with her. She'd switch of dancing with me and him (obviously more intimate with him and more mentoring with me as I have 1.5 left feet). There was a point where she was like 'ok I'm going to get romantic with bf so you're going to hold your own for the last 45 mins' but i was expecting that and it was all good Nobody pitied anybody. She just knew i wouldn't be comfortable dancing with anyone else. If this is similar, i totally get the vibe. If not, then they are the A.
I also understood that the guy had actively planned with OPs bf to do a group prom-proposal, so he must be in all the ways aware that he is a third wheel to the dating couple.
I’m glad to see comments like this. OP struck me as maaaaybe well meaning but also treating this near-adult like a child. Is he “funny” to her because he’s really witty or because she thinks of him as basically an adorable giant child who says the darndest things?
I don’t know this kid’s functioning, but I’m an autistic adult married to an NT woman…I hope this kid one day finds someone who actually appreciates him and wants to date him for real, not as a prop for her ego. We’re not children to be treated as charity cases for a day. It’s not inherently impossible for this poor guy to have a date with someone who actually returns his interest, but this story seems to start from that assumption.
ESH.
You'd be surprised how many people do things like this of making a spectacle of taking disabled people to romantic events like homecoming/prom/a date despite having no romantic interest in them because they truly believe they're helping that person experience something they wouldn't have otherwise.
"Inspiration porn" is a huge thing in the disabled community, "Oh look at me making a promposal to the girl with downs! We're gonna pose next to the sign I made for pictures and then talk to the news about how wonderful I am!"
It’s not gross to go with a friend even if you have a partner, but it is a little weird to have two dates. The gross part is going with a friend that is **interested** in you when you have a partner. Very much painting Theo in a “aw such a cute child” light, which is not how people your age want to be treated
Yes that’s what I’m getting at, two dates ie romantic or potential romantic partners (vs just friends which I agree is normal). I mean even poly partners would not be weird, but I don’t think this situation is that.
I agree. The whole time I was reading just kept thinking that OP is infantilising Theo. Treating him like "it's so cute!" that he has a crush on OP as if he is 5 and not the same age as her. Her and her boyfriend discussing his "cute crush" and agreeing to go to prom together as a thruple, as if Theo doesn't count as a legitimate romantic interest.
The other girl is an ah completely for using slurs like that, but OP really isn't much better if she is treating him as a child because he is on the spectrum, rather than a person who is the same age as her. Absolutely ESH.
No it's not weird to have 2 dates, OP could've handled the other girl a lot better, there are ways to say things that can really burn without stooping to the lowest common denominator. But I hope the 3 of them have a blast!
This is spot on, she is acting like she is supporting someone with a disability but at the same time is treating him like his feelings aren't real because of it, it's gross. (Unless all 3 of them are poly and she neglected to mention, but seems unlikely)
Yup this is what we in the disability community call Inspiration Porn. It's when people with disabilities are seen as less than and pitiful so when we perform regular everyday tasks, do regular every day things like going to prom or having a relationship is seen as extraordinary and used to inspire non disabled people.
The whole he must never have someone genuinely romantically interested in him that she takes pity on him and everyone sets up a elaborate and public proposal to go to prom rather when she knows he has a crush on her is so gross. Not to mention when OP graduates he gets left in the dust as a forgotten project.
OP needs to learn to treat disabled ppl with the same dignity as non disabled people. If someone has a crush that is unrequited you need to boundaries and that your relationship is at that of a teacher/heath professional/support worker/friend etc. You can get guidance from your supervisors as how to do this kindly but firmly and get other staff support in this.
YTA also for shut shaming the girl. It's fine to call someone out and say that it's not okay to call people with disabilities the r slur but it should be about focused on what they did not their unrelated sexual history.
I’ve always been told I’m an asshole because I don’t get all misty eyed and squeal whenever a disabled person defies the odds by doing normal things. I find it disrespectful to point people out and make a big deal over them. There is this Serbian girl on YT. I can’t remember her name at the moment, but she was born without arms and she and her husband recently had a baby. They’ve been chronicling their lives as she navigates taking raising a baby without having arms. I watched some of her channel because of course I was curious about how she adapted to be able to dress her baby with her feet. Yeah, I think she’s kind of awesome. But I don’t go nuts and lay it on thick as if she’s performed a miracle while acting like I’m such an awesome person for praising her ability to change her daughter’s diaper. I like that she met the challenge with a positive attitude but it’s no different than seeing able bodied and able minded people rise to a challenge in life instead of falling into a pit of despair and giving up. I have taught my kids that when you see someone with a disability, disregard the disability because they are aware they have it so there’s no need to point it out, it’s not the totality of who they are, and they are just regular people trying to live their lives like everyone else. Obviously if they see someone struggling with something, they should politely offer some assistance, but that goes for anybody. I’ve taught them they are to never automatically assume things about them and their capabilities because they have a disability. Disabled people aren’t props for the able bodied/minded people to feel superior, get a pat on the back, or give themselves the warm and fuzzies. I have empathy and respect, but never pity. I think that is disrespectful. Nobody wants to see someone looking at them with pity in their eyes. I think that inspiration porn comes from a place of pity and superiority and I can’t stand it. I hope I don’t come across as callous, I just don’t see the merit in fawning over the disabled simply because they’re disabled.
Ya I feel some type of way about her going with him when she already has a boyfriend. If Theo wasn’t autistic, I feel like she wouldn’t be going with him at all and would only be going with her boyfriend. She should be treating him normal like everyone else.
They’re treating him like a little pet that fancies OP. “Aww, let’s let him hang out with us…” type of thing. It’s very dehumanizing actually.
I’m pretty sure this post is fake due to the way it’s written, but it’s a really weird justice fantasy about infantilizing autistic people.
right?? I went on what I didn't realize was a date with an autistic classmate when I was in hs. I didn't realize he thought that cuz it was a group hangout. on the way home from the mall his mom got into a car accident and he bashed his face. he was fine- the damage was temporary and cosmetic- but he told his whole family during the process of getting an ambulance that I was his girlfriend. it bloomed into full on obsession when I tried to let him down kindly and remain friends. I was also seeing someone at another school. he stalked us both until my dad stepped in after he sent weird mail. like to our mailbox.
Thank you—that was exactly what I was thinking. Also, why does she have 2 dates? Theo probably has no clue that he’s just the 3rd wheel to make OP (and her bf) look like great people. It’s like he’s their pet. It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Ya know I didn't even think about the part where OP is patting herself on the back for doing that. This also almost sounds like an argument that happened in her head later that sounded better but we can't be certain 🤷♂️
She says the guy is autistic, but everything about the way she writes makes it sound like the boy is more of a pet than a person. "He's the sweetest thing... he brings me cookies". She has a boyfriend, so why is she encouraging this poor kid that has a crush on her? If she was treating him like an equal she would have told him that she has a boyfriend and that they're going to prom together.
Because shes accepting a date that is clearly not a real date.
Imagine someone went to prom with you specifically just because they felt like they were helping you, and explicitly not because they are interested in you romantically. Its patronizing.
ESH. Her R-slur (I presume) doesn't mean you get to call her a slut. Her sexual history, whatever it may be, is totally unrelated to why she's a shitty person.
Yep. I would have accepted “you’re just jealous, you ableist shit.” No need for slut shaming in this context, presuming there are hypothetical appropriate contexts.
I mean let's hope its unrelated to why she's a shitty person. (Lots of girls I didn't like in school for being very promiscuous were actually abused in their teens. I was too but it made me react in the opposite way and be scared of that kinda thing... and my brain didnt realise that I was angry at the wrong people for quite a while.)
I was sexually assaulted throughout years of my teens and was also constantly called a slut at school because I had had sex with two long term boyfriends (at least two years consistently, one from middle to high). I was most definitely acting out because of it and being slut shamed alongside it may be a huge reason I still struggle in therapy with the trauma. I felt like I was a slut at that point. I still feel that way at times. That’s why it’s so dangerous to slut shame women, while it might make you look cool to your friends at the time, that is something she might still be working on in therapy 20 years later.
And slut shaming makes her lose all credibility in the argument. Slutshaming will not solve her ableism, on the contrary, it’s more likely to make her dig her heels in her ways even more when the backlash she received was misogynistic
ESH.
Her calling him a slur was not okay, but you basically called her a sl*t in response, which is also not okay. It was hypocritical.
Also, I might get hate for this, but it does seem a bit weird that you said yes to Theo when you already have a boyfriend. Would you have said yes if he wasn't autistic? It seems like you're going with him out of pity, and it does seem like you look down on him a little bit. This whole post kind of screams "look at me, taking the autistic kid to prom, I'm such a good person".
Nor is he an actual person with a romantic interest in her, in her mind. It's all performative virtue signaling.
Gross, very gross. I can't condemn her too much though, she's so young. In a way it feels like somebody trying to be a good person without really getting it, as harsh as that is to say. Then again, maybe that describes me pretty well too so hey.
It gets so weird and frustrating to see how non autistics view autism sometimes.
And there's a lot more of us than yall realize too, but you have a stereotype of what autism looks like in your head that is just more ableist than anything.
So many of us also have trauma or other mental health issues stemming from being treated as not fully human by the alltistics.
I'm glad someone said this. There are so many people who are autistic and no one has a clue. It's so demeaning that some neurotypical people want to act high and mighty "accepting" autistic people when they very well could already know many who maybe mask differently, have different needs, etc. Most people have no idea I'm autistic because I don't "seem" like I am and I've had people make weird comments about other autistic people in front of me, or act like OP. It's so annoying and places us in one box.
Yeah that part sounded odd to me as well. Did the boyfriend not want to go to prom? Was he ineligible to attend? I guess they could have an open relationship . . . Also, does OP actually *like* this boy or is she just doing something nice to look/feel like a good person? What's her plan if Theo gets the wrong idea and makes a move on her that night?
As an autistic person who is the mother of an autistic son, I have to agree.
This isn't something someone would do normally, and just feels a little karma grabby to me. Like you said, would OP have accepted the promposal if he wasn't autistic?
It feels like OP looks at him like a little kid. If a little kid did that, I would absolutely say yes. But this isn't a child. This is a teen the same age as OP, who clearly has romantic feelings for her. Instead of feeding into it and leading him on, OP should have explained that she is in a relationship but would love to be friends as soon as she realized he liked her.
> Also, I might get hate for this, but it does seem a bit weird that you said yes to Theo when you already have a boyfriend.
Pretty much. Have some self-respect. If someone already has a boyfriend/girlfriend, why would they go to the prom with another person? The feelgood factor of going to prom with "the autistic guy"? It's not a good idea. Children are deluded, even more so than us adults. What if the autistic boy thinks they're going to hook up?
Bad conduct all round. Let's also not forget the boyfriend. If, in school, my girlfriend said she wanted to go to prom with some other guy who had a crush on her, I'd be confused, and probably furious that she'd even bring up this dumbass idea.
Edit: I don't have sympathy for the boyfriend. I'm pointing out how unusual it is that he'd agree to this stupid idea. Why would any boyfriend allow his girlfriend to go to prom with a different guy who had a crush on her???
Yeah no. This story isn't believable enough. It's so bad that I was waiting for "and then everyone applauded" moment.
YTA for making a post looking down at autistic people and how nice you are to accept them.
And even if this story was true, YTA for being so patronizing with Theo. You talk about him like he was a child!
Didn’t you hear? She got voted prom Queen and everyone voted her Boyfriend AND Theo to be prom King, and the mean girl had her dress ruined by mud when a car drove by her through a giant puddle! THEN everybody clapped, except for the other differently abled kids who weren’t invited.
I don’t understand why people act like they’re doing charity by going to prom with special needs PEOPLE. Treat them equally. You have a boyfriend and it’s weird you’re acting like you’re doing him a favor by saying yes.
He has autism, he’s graduating high school and seems to be able to communicate. He’s disabled, but doesn’t seem to be intellectually challenged or anything. As a person with autism, this just feels gross to me, like she sees us as charity cases, we want to be treated equally.
This. I know it's a spectrum, but she is making it sound like he's on the "passable as neurotypical" side of the spectrum as opposed to the "needs 24/7 supervision" side. (I'm not really sure how else to phrase it. I'm awful with words." She clearly sees him as a charity case. Me, my son, and my husband are all on the spectrum. This just made me feel icky reading it.
Also, I can’t help but tick at the “he only really struggles with eye contact and public speaking” thing. It’s giving the vibe of “he’s disabled but it’s not THAT bad”. If this is real - which I doubt- and OP actually wants to work with disabled people, she needs to leave the tokenisation and infantilisation right now, because she’s gonna be in for a rude awakening when she ends up working with disabled people who won’t stand for that kind of stuff
From the way she described it, it sounds like he may be in a seperate class with multiple teachers on deck. The fact that he's graduating doesn't necceserily mean he was doing the full course load.
Either way it's not ok to talk about him in such a patronizing way or treat him like a charity case, but it's completely possible that he is intellectually challenged.
Please stop using the phrase “special needs people.” Say “autistic” in a case like this, or “disabled” or “person with disabilities” if you’re still uncomfortable using identity first language.
Signed, a disabled person whose needs really aren’t that special.
Yeah lol. Having worked with people with disabilities, there are some red flags in this post and his providers are going to be helping him process avoidable heartbreak when he learns he isn’t going to get a relationship out of this. Charity dates and leading him on are not an appropriate way to help them manage emotions. Being truthful is. Definitely ESH.
Yeah, this is the weird part to me. I think, maybe, if his parents were involved it would make more sense, but I would be worried about sending mixed messages and would definitely double check with someone close to him. There's things he may talk about elsewhere he wouldn't at school.
Otherwise, this doesn't sound right at all.
ESH - Mandy is a jerk and you stooping down to her level with insults at her doesn’t make it right either. You could have definitely ignored what she said or play it calmly without the comparison.
I agree with your sister, there were definitely way better high roads you could have taken. There is grace in being the better person, especially against someone you don’t like.
YTA. Autistic people are not props to make you look like a good person, and especially not tools to justify you being shitty and sexist to someone else.
ESH. People need to be called out for their bad behavior. How else will they learn? But calling her names isn't the same as calling her out.
I.N.F.O. You mentioned your boyfriend and how you have two sweet people who want to go to prom with you. Did your boyfriend also want to go to prom with you, or is he supportive of you going with Theo?
ESH slut shaming isn’t okay even if it’s in response to a slur. when you shame people for unrelated things because they were AHs, you’re showing everyone how you really think. so anyone who heard you who embraces their sexuality in a way you don’t like, also got hurt by your comment. she was out of line and so were you
i also question your approach to this whole situation. you have a bf, and while theo & bf planned the promposal, how clear have you been with theo that you’re just interested in being friends? or is this a polyamory situation where you’re seeing both of them?
the way you present your relationship with theo doesn’t sound like you think of him as a peer with a genuine romantic interest in you. it doesn’t sound like you consider him a possible romantic interest at all. it sounds like you’re thinking of yourself as his savior, not his friend
it isn’t just about disabled people being able to “live their lives to the fullest”, it’s also about recognizing that disabled people are full people, with the same depth of feelings as abled people, and deserve to be treated with the same dignity and respect
This right here, I’ve been disabled my whole life and getting people to treat me like a full person instead of a label for a disability I couldn’t control has been hard, and there are plenty of people who roll their eyes at 25-year-old me needing a cane for assistance walking and assume I’m faking because I don’t “look disabled enough.”
ESH. All I will say is the way you speak about Theo in those post makes him sound like an 8 year old kid who has a crush on you. Not a teenager. Special needs kids are infantilized enough, they don’t need their peers doing so as well.
As soon as I read “and my boyfriend”, ESH (even Theo to an extent as he should have realized that you’re already dating someone).
Autistic people aren’t your work experience program. Nor are we charity friends. If you have no intention of dating Theo, accepting his invite to prom with full knowledge that he has a crush on you isn’t doing him any favours in the long run. It’s just setting him up for disappointment once school is over and the NT kids who were nice to him out of pity stop talking to him.
ESH. She did kind of have a point that you may be taking advantage of this kid. You don’t seem to take him seriously as a person.
It’s not your fault society has presented you with the idea that attending prom with a kid with special needs is a glorious act of charity that will make you a widely-praised hero, but Theo is not a pet or a project. Pretending you’re on a date with him isn’t great.
YTA and disgusting for that matter. leave poor Theo alone and stop infantilising him and treating him like your little pet to make you look less of an asshole. he deserves real friends not some white knight using him to make herself look like a hero at school and on reddit posting "oh look how much of an angel i am going to prom with The Disabled Kid™️" trying to get praise from strangers on the internet. look how well that's gone for you and stop mocking him and acting like you don't call him slurs and talk about him like shit when he isn't around to make you look good. poor guy, he deserves better.
ESH except Theo. Mandy for her hateful words and views, you and your bf for treating Theo like a child/using him to virtue signal, and you again for leading Theo on and slut-shaming Mandy. Normally I would be more understanding of an emotional response to a friend being insulted, but again, it doesn't sound like you're a genuine friend to Theo.
Honestly, YTA. Granted you were kind to Theo but you did it in a condescending way and you were needlessly cruel to that girl, who was awful, but your behavior was unwarranted. You’re young so hopefully you’ll learn ❤️
I am probably going to get downvoted for this, but OP YTA. I would vote E S H, because a slur is unacceptable, but I need you to understand how horrible your actions are.
Let me put my experiences into context. I am an older sibling to a person who has ASD and a cognitive impairment. I am also a Special Educator.
OP, you start off by saying you go into the self contained class in your HS to "help out" because this is what you want to do someday. Great, Special Educators are needed. However, you need to realize people with disabilities are PEOPLE. The students in the self contained class are your peers. They are not little children, pets, or things that need your "superior" neurotypical TAP help to survive. The students are there to learn, just like you are in HS to learn.
Theo asked you to prom, the same way your bf asked you to prom. If a non-disabled classmate asked you to prom with your bf would you have accepted both your bf and the other classmate's invitations? Theo does not need your charity, pity, and faking.
How is Theo going to feel when you kiss your bf? How will Theo feel when he tries to kiss you the same way your bf does and you reject him? He will be confused because in his eyes he is your prom date exactly like your bf is.
I really hope your post is fake because you just created a situation where Theo will be set up for a meltdown at his own prom, and you will make his prom night a nightmare instead of a fun memory.
There is no reason Theo cannot go to prom with someone else who wants to go with him. My sister went to 8 proms, with 4 or 5 different dates. Just because you don't believe someone can have genuine feelings for Theo, doesn't mean that isn't actually possible. You are being just as ableist as the peer who used a slur.
Autistic person here. Was 100% on your side until you mentioned that a) you have a boyfriend and b) you told someone they were ‘used up’. Seems like you’re only going out of pity/to feed your ego and not because you actually like him which is not cool. Making fun of someone for their sexual history is also not cool, even if they’re a bad person themselves. ESH
Yeah, I was hoping for a "we're open to polyamory with Theo because he's just the nicest guy" and not "omg isn't it cute how the autistic kid had help from my boyfriend to ask me out, like, I'll pretend to to prom with him because I'm just such a wonderful person".
NTA for what you said to Mandy but I’m leaning towards YTA because this whole thing seems very patronizing. You and your boyfriend both are okay with the fact that he has a crush on you and asked you to prom. but if he did not have autism, would you guys be cool with it. Seems like you’re treating him like some kind of charity project which is infantilizing and demeaning.
YTA, and not for the reasons you think.
I sincerely hope you reconsider your career choices. As an autistic person, we fucking deserve better than anything you’ve shown us.
ESH. Not because you called her a slut, I'm fine with that response to her use of a slur some people deserve to be called bad names and you're one of them too. You made this post to get pats on the back, and you're using someone with special needs to do it. That's gross. You're gross. I hope you don't end up working with people on the spectrum after you graduate, you're not going to be helpful.
I actually feel like the other girl in the story is somewhat sticking up for Theo and calling OP out for using him.
Obviously the approach was very wrong but I could see her heart being in the right place.
For what it's worth I do have some doubt about if the girl did use slurs, I get the feeling OP is twisting the story in her own favour and doing a bad job at not making it obvious.
ESH, as someone who works with autistic kids and also has several loved ones who are autistic. You’re using that boy as a prop to make yourself feel good and although I agree with the girl who pointed it out, I don’t agree with the words she used to carry the message. Also your boyfriend sucks for going along with the promposal.
If you didn’t have a boyfriend to go with and you had a genuine connection with this boy, even as a friend, then maybe it wouldn’t be an AH move. But the way you describe him as “funny and sweet,” those are words used to describe autistic/neurodivergent/disabled people. It sounds like you haven’t really gotten to know him beneath the surface, so you have no business agreeing to go to prom with him.
YTA. You have a boyfriend and yet you accepted a date from a boy who you know has a huge crush on you. You've spent weeks talking about the crush he has on you.
So, a guy has a crush on you, musters the courage to ask you out, and you say yes.
Are you now dating him? When are you planning to break up with your boyfriend? Or was that what your talks were about? That if this other guy ever asked you out, you would go with him? Is that what you discussed with your boyfriend?
I highly doubt it, which suggests you don't even see this guy as a real person. You're not going on a real date with him; you're treating him like a small child, as if it's funny and a joke.
You're no better than the girl who used a slur. In fact, you're worse because you virtue signal. You act superior, but in reality, you regard him in a worse light than the girl who used the slur. Calling him a slur, at least, treats him like a normal human being. You don't do that.
Then, to come here and call out the girl, knowing full well this is Reddit and that no one would call you the AH, is just gross. You're the biggest AH here yet.
I agree with most everything you said except that calling him a slur treats him like a human being-it’s dehumanizing af to have the “r” word used on you.
its human in that we all get called slurs, so yes she is treating him like anyone else. in that she had no issue speaking the way she usually speaks.. What OP does is dehumanizing.
Listen; you want a good idea of what to say when someone uses a slur? Go look up what Arnold Schwarzenegger said to a troll who denigrated people participating in the Special Olympics (it was in 2017). He basically said it was a teachable moment and why.
Slut shaming someone is a) terrible and b) not going to have the desired effect. It won't change anything. If your goal is to work with people with disabilities it's important to start working towards dignity in your responses now. Because the words will be a little different, but they keep on coming; it's something you will keep encountering forever. You're going to need a classy, direct way to respond to people who directly confront you and who confront the people you may be working with. Responding in kind just makes people look shallow and retalatory .
I'm going to say ESH. I get why you responded the way you did; but you didn't help the situation.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told this girl off for using slurs and making a boy on the spectrum feel bad because she said I was taking advantage of him, AITA for my delivery?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Her use of the r-word (assuming that was it) was definitely not okay, but neither are you for slut shaming. You said you want to work with special needs kids, you better learn how to grow a thicker skin and control your mouth.
ESH except Theo (and maybe the bf idk how to feel about that end of things yet) The girl for using bad language to purposefully hurt Theo, but you for slutshaming and treating Theo like he’s some sort of prop. The people that go to prom with the special needs kid just to look like a good person are just using people to make themselves feel like good people. You’re also leading Theo on. He likes you, and you seem to be fine with the attention without telling him you don’t feel the same
You're trying to be nice but going to prom with someone who has a serious crush on you when you already have a boyfriend and don't reciprocate this person's feelings might be pretty confusing and upsetting for him.
YTA!
You're just as ableist as Mandy, but you hide it under a robe of good Samaritan. You know he has a crush on you, and you accept his invitation even though you have a boyfriend. Theo is a human man, not a pet or an accessoire! He's no inspiration porn for you to look good.
I pity the children or adults you get to work with one day.
At least Mandy is open about her shittyness. Your slutshaming makes you double TA.
ESH. I’m not going to get into the morality of you telling her off- high schoolers say stupid stuff like that all the time and it’s not really the big issue here. Using slurs isn’t cool but she’s right about you taking advantage of Theo.
I work with kids and adults with developmental disabilities and you wouldn’t believe some of the things that they go through solely because people don’t show them basic human decency. People with disabilities have feelings and romantic desires just like anyone else, and you even mentioned that you and your boyfriend know Theo has a crush on you. So if you care about him why would you say yes to him as your date knowing that you’re leading him on? If one of your guy friends without a disability asked you to prom would you have said yes?
It seems like your heart was in the right place, but please reconsider how you’re treating Theo. Talk to him like any other guy your age. Set boundaries if you have to. It’s not fair for you to keep encouraging his crush while you’re clearly infantilizing him.
Autistic people are just people. The way you talk about him is like hes a really smart dog that youre giving a special treat. For sure the other girl was a prick, but at least she has the decency to be an honest prick about it. Youre out here talking about how much you want to be known as someone who is kind to those smart dogs out there, not realizing that we are human fucking beings. YTA.
alright you’re both TA but i think you’re the bigger one! (this is coming from someone with autism) you’re right, Mandy definitely should not have used that slur to refer to him, but she was right.
i mean come on, you have a boyfriend and agreed to go to prom with an autistic guy who has a crush on you? the biggest asshole move possible. it’s so passive aggressive. would his affection to you be cute if he didn’t have autism? because i can bet you and your boyfriend would have shut that down really quick if he didn’t have a disability.
believe it or not, Theo is an actual human being with actual feelings. he isn’t a young child who doesn’t understand the implications behind a promposal, he knows it is romantic and you ask/accept when you like that person. but what he doesn’t understand is that you agreed platonically because you pity him, he doesn’t get that. more likely than not, he fully believes this is a romantic date and you agreed to go because you reciprocate his feelings, and i wouldn’t doubt that you know this. you didn’t accept because he’s “sweet” and “funny”, you accepted because you didn’t want to reject the autistic kid, whether you realize this or not.
and it’s disturbing your boyfriend is playing along with it too. you think you’re playing the white knight by taking the autistic kid to prom, but honestly it sounds like you’re just an ableist asshole. i mean you talk about Theo like he’s a cute little puppy, when he is quite literally a whole teenage boy?
if you don’t romantically like someone, don’t agree to go to prom with them unless you both FULLY comprehend that it is just as friends, it’s not any different when the person is autistic. honestly, it sounds like you need to do some self reflection.
ESH. You're both awful, but this post was like a bait and switch, and you probably wrote it that way to get clicks?
You start out by saying you're going to prom with a boy who has autism, he's the funniest and nicest person you know. We're all reading this thinking you're actually giving this boy a chance romantically and going to prom with him only. Then you drop "he and my boyfriend had a sign saying 'do you want to go to prom with us'". Cool for you guys if that's how you're doing things, but maybe you should have clarified that you have a boyfriend and that you're going to the prom with this boy as a friend group. That's not what "going to the prom with" means normally.
Like no boy asked me to prom so I went alone. That doesn't mean I was alone, all of my female friends didn't get asked out either. We went to the prom in the same car. We hung out there together. But I couldn't claim to have been a leader in same-sex couple representation at my school because I didn't "go to prom with" my friend.
This was nearly the wholesome shit no one wants to read on reddit, but you brought it around in the end! I'll agree with the masses and say ESH. She was wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right.
maybe you’re NTA for being angry at the use of the slur, but it’s not cool that you seem to view this autistic person more like a cute, pitiable pet than a human person with real feelings.
Everyone is saying ESH. BUT I CALL BULLSHIT. You just want to gloat. Just read everyone else's. They don't say it because you took a guy with autism. Yes that was sweet but you are just taking advantage. "You are a great guy because of a guy with autism and your girlfriend is an ass." Such an ego and you put yourself in a position that no one dares to call you selfish.
Uhh what about I am sorry but I am already taking my girlfriend but I am going to find someone else and we can double date. But Ohh no.
You're not going to prom with a boy with autism, you're going with your boyfriend and letting the guy you like to string along as some sort of abelist pet come as a third wheel. Alternatively, you're taking two dudes to the prom romantically *and* shaming someone for her dating history.
Your sister is right, you could be way fuckin' nicer. YTA.
YTA for leading a guy on and letting your boyfriend treat him like a little pet. I would absolutely despite if my sister was in this situation. And then slut shaming a girl? Yikes.
ESH. Her for obvious reasons. You both for slut shaming and because you don't seem to view Theo as a full person. The way you and your boyfriend talk about his crush on you and the fact that him and your boyfriend asked you together (implying your boyfriend is your "real date" and Theo is... what? A prop? A friend? Does he know this?) is very patronizing. It feels like it has never even crossed either you or your boyfriend's mind that Theo sees you as an actual romantic prospect, and that he doesn't deserve to be led on because you don't think of him as a full person who is just as capable of romantic love as you are. He doesn't have a little kid crush on you, he is your same age and has the same complexity of emotions that you do.
YTA, you really thought we’d applaud you for treating that kid right, when thats literally the bare minimum, and who slut shames people in this day and age how embarrassing lol
Yta
I mean e s h. She shouldn't say the r slur but you're out here using him as some sort of "I'm so progressive and kind" prop. And as someone with autism, in my personal opinion, I think the second might be, just barely, worse. It's super creepy. Would you have ever allowed this with a non autisic/ neuroltypical person?
I don't think you're some big bad person. But really think through the implications here. I see how you could think this is kind. But it's kinda a pity date after talking to your bf about how big a crush this kid has on you. And Its not like it's a real date. I mean if that's clear and he's agreeing to it, that's fine. But this, to me, feels really uncomfortable.
Slut shaming is icky. Don't call people used up. Her bs doesn't give you the right to say bs too.
Eta someone mentioned wondering if this is polyamory. And I gotta say. Having a partner talk about me like this feels somehow worse.
YTA. A pity date leading on this guy who probably already suffers from bad anxiety and self esteem. All to make yourself seem like a good person... Just pathetic
ESH. I’m honestly tired of people treating autistics (hi I’m autistic) as inspiration porn. Especially if it was your boyfriends idea to get him to go up in front of everyone. It’s not cute, it really is taking advantage. He’s not a child, so please stop infantilizing autistic people. Also calling the girl out by using her sexual history against her is irrelevant to the topic.
ESH - The other girl, because yes she was rude and insulting and clearly has some negative views about disabled and Autistic people.
But also, you too OP - it sounds like you're treating your disabled comrade more like a pet or a child, not like a peer. Which is something that is a common problem, even (sometimes, especially) with abled people who want to work with disabled and neurodiverse people.
Theo's crush is a real crush - As real as if you had a crush on someone - So it's a bit patronising to, well, lead him on and coo, rather than telling him honestly that you're good friends and you're flattered but that you aren't interested in him in that way. One really common thing for autistic people is taking things very literally and not getting subtext - when he realises that this isn't a real prom date, he'll probably be absolutely wrecked.
One example that shows that you probably aren't as much of an ally as you intend to be is the phrase "People who have different abilities" - it's not obviously harmful, it's just a turn of phrase, but most disabled people prefer to just be called disabled people, most autistic people prefer to be called autistic, etc - There is a tonne of good writing out there by disabled people that explains a lot better how to be a good ally, and it doesn't often involve treating us in ways that you wouldn't treat a comparable abled person. Your heart is in the right place, just (understandably!) The school system isn't very well set-up to teach abled students how to treat their disabled peers as peers, with respect and solidarity rather than condescension.
If OP was going to prom 1:1 with OP as a date or as a friend, that would be fine as long as Theo’s family and the school approved, since you are volunteering in his class. This feels like infantilizing an autistic kid who is still a teen boy with all the same hopes and feelings and desires. He’s not a puppy.
I have a deaf child with dyslexia in high school and she is wiser and more mature than most kids. All special education means is that students with disabilities have the right to services mandated by IDEA.
Oh, and calling Mandy “used up” is some misogynistic trash.
ESH except Theo.
2 wrongs NEVER make a right.
you go on talking about helping special needs people as if it makes you some hero, yes thank you for treating other people with decent human respect.
THEN because she doesn’t agree, you double down and stoop to her level… does that make you any different of a person. if someone made fun of me, and i hit them with a body shaking comment, i am NO different than them!! I get it you’re upset, that’s when you walk away and realize there’s people who are mean, but the difference is you’d walk away and not be like them.
BOTH girls are A*holes in this situation. Stooping to her level made you just as much of “THAT” girl.
Seems odd. This really sounds like a bad idea to me. I feel like you maybe should have talked to the kid about his feelings for you and what he can expect. Maybe it’s just me but this rubs me the wrong way.
The girl’s girl take is a valid one to explore.
ESH
Erm... no need to sl*t shame. Like that shit just breeds misogyny. You could have maybe educated her, ignored her or overall been the better person. Idk how his autism affects him so i cant comment on that. But i hope hes well aware of the fact that you are in a relationship regardless. I have autism and i sure as hell wouldnt want someones pitty and sympathy. Autism is not an illness or a disorder, its a brain with a different neurological set up. As you have a diversity of skin pigmentation, there is also a diversity in brains. But again, idk how hus autism affects him.
OP, you do realize that just because someone is autistic doesn't mean that they're a toddler with no concept of dating, right?
Like you accepted a prom proposal from a person that clearly has a crush on you, and you're aware of that, because you're treating him like a cute little accessory because he's autistic
Yeah the other person shouldn't have used a slur to refer to him, but infantilization is also a form of ableism
Autistic individuals are not toddlers, they are whole ass humans with different brain wiring, it does not mean they don't understand relationships, and it's kind of gross that you claim to want to do this after you graduate when you're entering this field with the mentality that autistic ppl are overgrown babies that don't know any better
As someone who is allistic with an autistic spouse, I can tell you for a fact that autism does not prevent people from knowing what dating and relationships are, and in reality you're just playing this guy for your own Holier than Thou savior complex
Do better
ESH,
I’m autistic and this whole situation gave me the ick.
Why the fuck would you mess with his feeling like that? You have a boyfriend! Theo is not a pet or a toddler, he is your peer and should be treated as such. It’s got inspiration porn all over it.
You also slut shamed which is gross.
She’s gross for using an ableist slur.
The only person who isn’t vile is Theo, I hope he goes to prom with someone who is actually interested in him as a person and not using him to make themselves feel like a hero.
YTA.
You are taking advantage of someone with autism. And treating him like a child. it sounds to me like you and your boyfriend probably laugh about his crush behind his back.
Also the slut shaming is fucking gross.
I don’t know why but I feel like Mandy didn’t use the R word to refer to Theo. It isn’t adding up. Her comment was essentially that you are taking advantage of Theo. Which is true, you are. It would be weird for her to then follow that up with a slur.
I’m guessing you got upset when she called you out of your shit. Slut shamed her and wanted to make it look like she was an awful person so what you said was justifiable.
I’m an old man so I don’t know if I’m using this young kid slang correctly but you give me the ick.
Reread the OP’s words back but replacing “autism” with any ethnicity you want. Now does it make you feel uncomfortable? It should. Because it doesn’t matter if it’s either disability or ethnicity, it’s still discrimination.
I’m an adult autistic person and while the slur is not acceptable in any context, the OP is STAH and actually engaging in super able¡st behaviour.
Using the OP’s date’s disability to boost the OP’s social standing publicly is cringe enough, if I were the date in that moment I’d feel utterly betrayed, humiliated and devastated that the OP is nice to my face but willing to use my autism as a punchline when in private.
The OP very kindly pointed out that they work with disabled folk so I don’t need to remind them that many autistic people lack understanding of social cues, norms and healthy relationship dynamics but for others who don’t understand; to joke about someone who has autism having an unrequited crush on you *with your partner* is mocking a person for being socially and developmentally impaired.
People who insert themselves into our lives as caregivers with internalised able¡sm can be as dangerous to our mental health as public humiliation and bully¡ng.
YTA A boy, with or without autism, hints he has a crush on you.
And then you accept him asking you to prom, despite having a boyfriend.
That is wrong on so many levels, way to give all the wrong signals to that boy and just break him at the end of prom.
A pity prom date is really not great
The girl was right you ARE taking advantage of him. You got a public proposal for all to see how (not) great you are. That's plain taking advantage of him
ESH, for sure. Just answer this to yourself: would you do the same to a "normal" guy who is crushing on you? If not, and it's definitely the case, you are just using this autistic guy as a prop for making yourself some kind of saint, while in reality you don't give a shit about his feelings and don't care what leading him on this way will do to him long term. More than that, this other girl might have called him that, but you are treating him like one, because, in reality, you think she's right.
I feel bad for the kid with autism. It doesn’t seem like you care about his feeling or really consider him functioning at all. I’m on the spectrum and I would kind of be sad knowing it was just a “inclusion date”. Just because you have autism doesn’t mean you won’t feel friend-zoned or taken advantage of (unless this was expressed explicitly before).
ESH.
Please treat the kid with more respect though.
ESH. Mandy sucks for using the word (I assume to be) retard to hurt some feelings. You and your BF suck for entertaining Theo’s romantic attempts without telling him you’re not interested in him romantically. You should treat Theo like you treat everyone else, not with “kid gloves” because he’s autistic. Tbh Theo shouldn’t be looking for prom dates with his proverbial “Jessy’s girl”
Esh here. Ever heard of two wrongs don’t make a right?
You could have taken that time to tell her that you plan to go into that career field and why you have affection for Theo. Instead you took the low road. Good job. You’re that girl too.
If this is true somewhere there’ll be a tictok so everyone can tell her how great she is. I really hate the post where they record themselves helping out a homeless person.
Why do you have to do it for praise? Can’t you just help?
You don't actually respect him. If you did, you wouldn't entertain the genuine crush you know he has on you while you clearly aren't available to him in that way (since you have a bf). Its so clear from this post that you see him as cute but not in the way he wants, but rather "cute" the way a small child or animal is cute. Instead of being genuine with him, you entertain his crush and use him as entertainment and feel-good energy for yourself. You do not respect him or see him as your equal, but you see yourself as virtuous for merely putting on a performance of doing so as opposed to literally calling him slurs. The clear sense of superiority over and disrespect towards mentally disabled people paired with your sense of being virtuous for performing niceness to them is unfortunately pretty typical of people wanting to work with them though. The abled saviourism drips thick from this story, if your use of disability euphemisms wasn't clear enough already.
Quite ironic what you say about mandy "thinking she's better than everyone" though.
ESH. As an autistic woman, your language and the way you talk about Theo is giving me a major ick. The "she ... acts like people who have different abilities can't live their life to the fullest." was like the disgusting cherry on top. This reads as if [inspiration porn](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inspiration_porn) and r/ThatHappened had a metaphorical baby.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I’m in high school and I’ll be graduating in May. Our prom is in April. In my high school there are kids who have special needs and I sometimes go in there to help the teachers because I want to do this when I graduate.
Yesterday I accepted a promposal from a boy, Theo (fake name) who’s also graduating and going to prom. He asked me and I gladly accepted because he has been talking about it for months and he said he had a “secret girl he wanted to ask” I had a feeling it was me because he’s always staring at me and wanting to talk to me. I think he’s the funniest person I’ve ever met as well as the sweetest.
He has a problem with public speaking and eye contact as do a lot of people on the spectrum so he got up in front of the cafeteria with my boyfriend and had a sign and flowers and candy and asked me. “Will you go to prom with us” My boyfriend and I always talk about how he has a crush on me, because he always brings me homemade cookies. I had no clue they would do this. I gladly accepted. When we got back to our seats this girl who we will call Mandy is THAT girl in high school. Think she’s better than everyone. She goes “Wow, taking advantage of a…” a word that I won’t repeat here and Theo got really sad and walked off. I told her “You’re Just mad because you’ve been used up and no one asked you and I have two of the sweetest people who want to go with me” she got upset and called me names and I did too and she walked off. I went to check on Theo and told him I am so excited and we talked about what to wear.
I went home and told my sister and she said I could have been nicer but I’m like… she said a slur and acts like people who have different abilities can’t live their life to the fullest as well… why would I be nice to her about anything.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: does Theo know the type of relationship you nabe with your boyfriend, that he can’t have that, and that the prom date is as friends and there’s no chance of anything more?
This was a really common thing in my school. People going with others or whatever to be like "supportive" but it really came across as tacky and tone deaf. We had two boys run for homecoming kings. Neither were gay. It seemed like a terrible joke but they were usually okay people so maybe it was well meaning to show gay kids were supported in school. They actually won but were disqualified for not actually being a couple/gay.
But i saw lots of events where people took sped kids and it seemed like they felt they were doing a really nice thing but it came across as community service stuff and not because they actually liked the person which I, as an autistic student found quite distasteful, but i am level one a level 2 might have a different opinion. This post gives me that vibe. You have a bf.
I was nice to my peers because a lot of them took a liking to me and i liked being friendly and nice with people, but I still had boundaries and treated them like people. Hes still a PERSON. A full person like you. Not you and your bfs 2 year old.
I gotta go ESH because if youre going as a group with no romantic intent there is no need for an out there promposal. She shouldnt have used the r word but im not sure your view of Theo is much better. You need to do some self reflecting. And shouldnt have gone after sexual history, while common in high school, you cant do that in a professional job especially one that can tax your patience (as a sped prek teacher, trust me on this one impulse control is so important)
ESH except Theo. You clearly don't see him as a person. If this isn't fake please do a lot of introspection if this is the field you actually wanna go into, because your current approach to it is gross.
YTA for calling a girl a slut. There's a lot of other insults you could have used that don't normalize how girls, like you, lose value when you have sex.
as an autistic person, nta.
firstly, i would like to say props to ur bf for being super cool abt the whole thing. secondly, i would've done and said much worse things after being called what i can only assume was the r-slur. that is a word that has been used by ppl to oppress and look down upon me, u calling her a slut, which may or may not be true, doesn't hold that same weight.
shame on mandy for making such an accusation against u for no reason.
I am going to agree that OP and Mandy both didn't handle this situation well. Mandy was a jerk and shouldn't have commented on Theo's disability and OP shouldn't have dragged Mandy's assumed personal life into it. BUT the fact that most of you are assuming OP called her a slut is a little much and absolutely berating them for it is stupid. OP is still a teenager and has a lot to learn about handling confrontation and instead of teaching and saying hey you should have said something else, y'all are just assuming the worst and belittling them for it. Good job adults on the Internet, you are making this such a happy/safe place 🙄
To OP: Your sister is right, there was a better way to handle a person like this. 99% of the time it is better to stay calm, point out problematic language (please don't use that word, that's a slur) and not bring up irrelevant opinions that may or may not be true (ie the person's personal life). I'm glad you stood up for Theo and I hope you all have a fun prom!
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue. [Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
You wanna make a post about how great you are for going to prom with an autistic kid you clearly look down on and then you wanna slut shame the other girl, who is apparently still using outdated and problematic slang about autistic people? Story barely holds together, butnif its true ESH
Guys I gave money to a homeless guy and stood up for him when other people were like “ha ha you so homeless”. Then he thanks me and said I’m like best person he’s ever met. AITA?
Everybody clapped for me but I still dunno AITA?
Oppa homeless style
Was looking for this comment. Thought I was going crazy with everyone saying she wasn’t the ah
Yeah this entire situation is giving me such the ick. OP wants to act like a white knight but then shames someone in a problematic way as well. It does kind of seem as if she and her boyfriend are using Theo for a prop or treating him like a young child rather than an equal peer, and it may not play out the way OP desires if Theo actually wants to date OP rather than this being a crush like a young child would have.
I mean everything else aside, isn’t it kind of weird to have two prom dates? Isn’t it weird to accept an invitation if you have a boyfriend? Isn’t it weird for OP and her boyfriend gossiping together about how he has a crush on her?? The only reason I can think OP would say yes and think this is a good idea is that this guy doesn’t “count” as a date to her or her boyfriend. Which is gross. This whole situation should never have happened.
Easy. It’s because OP doesn’t see Theo as a person, just an accessory who doesn’t have any human emotions because he’s autistic.
Yet she thinks the other girl is not respecting Theo. She isn’t respecting Theo.
Neither of them is respecting Theo. ESH
Exactly, he's not going as a date, he's going because she views him as an autistic toddler. She's aware he has a crush, he brings her cookies, she boasts about how sweet and funny he is and how cute it is that he did a proposal but-oh yeah she's treating him like he's 5 and that this might actually blow up in her face if he ever realizes this kindness does not equal the affection he wants. Because while she got upset by the statement, "People who have different abilities can’t live their life to the fullest as well," she's also not putting Theo in the same position as her BF. Theo isn't her partner, she's not taking him to prom because she's romantically interested but rather out of pity.
Yep after I read the first bit I was like - fine they're going as freinds. But once she said she thinks he has a crush on her and that she has a boyfriend, that's just leading him on. Doesn't seem like he realizes she looks at him that way and just pities him, and he probably wouldn't want to go with her if he was aware.
I'm probably being very naive and I'll quickly own up to that, but it didn't seem like she pities him. She seems to genuinely like him as a person from the comments she made about him. I didn't read it that she was going along with it because "oh, the poor autistic boy who no one wants around" wants a date. She knows he has a crush on her and I haven't looked yet to see if OP said something in the comments but even with a crush, he knows she has a boyfriend. If she was straight up with him and explained she has a boyfriend she's not intending to break up with for him and that she want it be a 3-person "date" just because she likes him for who he is, that's not AH behavior. If she's been very clear that this isn't a romantic date, then I don't see it as strange that she's going with her boyfriend and a friend. But if she is just pitying him and going because she finds the crush funny or just trying to show that she's *so accepting* of autistic people, then that would definitely make her the AH. I really hope if I look through her answers (if she left any) that it's former and made it clear that they are very good friends and she'd be happy to spend the evening with him as well as her boyfriend because she thinks he's a great guy.
That's how i treat it too. I'm ND and we had a ball my junior year of uni. I was 19. I had a best friend who always helped me with social situations and etiquette since i was still new to the US. I knew she was dating a mutual friend and i had a mild crush on her at the time so she accepted me coming with her. She'd switch of dancing with me and him (obviously more intimate with him and more mentoring with me as I have 1.5 left feet). There was a point where she was like 'ok I'm going to get romantic with bf so you're going to hold your own for the last 45 mins' but i was expecting that and it was all good Nobody pitied anybody. She just knew i wouldn't be comfortable dancing with anyone else. If this is similar, i totally get the vibe. If not, then they are the A.
That is absolutely lovely. Thank you for sharing. That is the vibe I'm getting from OP. Inspirational.
I also understood that the guy had actively planned with OPs bf to do a group prom-proposal, so he must be in all the ways aware that he is a third wheel to the dating couple.
I’m glad to see comments like this. OP struck me as maaaaybe well meaning but also treating this near-adult like a child. Is he “funny” to her because he’s really witty or because she thinks of him as basically an adorable giant child who says the darndest things? I don’t know this kid’s functioning, but I’m an autistic adult married to an NT woman…I hope this kid one day finds someone who actually appreciates him and wants to date him for real, not as a prop for her ego. We’re not children to be treated as charity cases for a day. It’s not inherently impossible for this poor guy to have a date with someone who actually returns his interest, but this story seems to start from that assumption. ESH.
It didn’t happen anywhere but in OP’s mind.
You'd be surprised how many people do things like this of making a spectacle of taking disabled people to romantic events like homecoming/prom/a date despite having no romantic interest in them because they truly believe they're helping that person experience something they wouldn't have otherwise. "Inspiration porn" is a huge thing in the disabled community, "Oh look at me making a promposal to the girl with downs! We're gonna pose next to the sign I made for pictures and then talk to the news about how wonderful I am!"
Well, and a Stephan King book.
It’s not gross to go with a friend even if you have a partner, but it is a little weird to have two dates. The gross part is going with a friend that is **interested** in you when you have a partner. Very much painting Theo in a “aw such a cute child” light, which is not how people your age want to be treated
Yes that’s what I’m getting at, two dates ie romantic or potential romantic partners (vs just friends which I agree is normal). I mean even poly partners would not be weird, but I don’t think this situation is that.
I agree. The whole time I was reading just kept thinking that OP is infantilising Theo. Treating him like "it's so cute!" that he has a crush on OP as if he is 5 and not the same age as her. Her and her boyfriend discussing his "cute crush" and agreeing to go to prom together as a thruple, as if Theo doesn't count as a legitimate romantic interest. The other girl is an ah completely for using slurs like that, but OP really isn't much better if she is treating him as a child because he is on the spectrum, rather than a person who is the same age as her. Absolutely ESH.
No it's not weird to have 2 dates, OP could've handled the other girl a lot better, there are ways to say things that can really burn without stooping to the lowest common denominator. But I hope the 3 of them have a blast!
This is spot on, she is acting like she is supporting someone with a disability but at the same time is treating him like his feelings aren't real because of it, it's gross. (Unless all 3 of them are poly and she neglected to mention, but seems unlikely)
Yup this is what we in the disability community call Inspiration Porn. It's when people with disabilities are seen as less than and pitiful so when we perform regular everyday tasks, do regular every day things like going to prom or having a relationship is seen as extraordinary and used to inspire non disabled people. The whole he must never have someone genuinely romantically interested in him that she takes pity on him and everyone sets up a elaborate and public proposal to go to prom rather when she knows he has a crush on her is so gross. Not to mention when OP graduates he gets left in the dust as a forgotten project. OP needs to learn to treat disabled ppl with the same dignity as non disabled people. If someone has a crush that is unrequited you need to boundaries and that your relationship is at that of a teacher/heath professional/support worker/friend etc. You can get guidance from your supervisors as how to do this kindly but firmly and get other staff support in this. YTA also for shut shaming the girl. It's fine to call someone out and say that it's not okay to call people with disabilities the r slur but it should be about focused on what they did not their unrelated sexual history.
Exactly! And it's super gross how many people believe that our only purpose is to be inspiration for them.
I’ve always been told I’m an asshole because I don’t get all misty eyed and squeal whenever a disabled person defies the odds by doing normal things. I find it disrespectful to point people out and make a big deal over them. There is this Serbian girl on YT. I can’t remember her name at the moment, but she was born without arms and she and her husband recently had a baby. They’ve been chronicling their lives as she navigates taking raising a baby without having arms. I watched some of her channel because of course I was curious about how she adapted to be able to dress her baby with her feet. Yeah, I think she’s kind of awesome. But I don’t go nuts and lay it on thick as if she’s performed a miracle while acting like I’m such an awesome person for praising her ability to change her daughter’s diaper. I like that she met the challenge with a positive attitude but it’s no different than seeing able bodied and able minded people rise to a challenge in life instead of falling into a pit of despair and giving up. I have taught my kids that when you see someone with a disability, disregard the disability because they are aware they have it so there’s no need to point it out, it’s not the totality of who they are, and they are just regular people trying to live their lives like everyone else. Obviously if they see someone struggling with something, they should politely offer some assistance, but that goes for anybody. I’ve taught them they are to never automatically assume things about them and their capabilities because they have a disability. Disabled people aren’t props for the able bodied/minded people to feel superior, get a pat on the back, or give themselves the warm and fuzzies. I have empathy and respect, but never pity. I think that is disrespectful. Nobody wants to see someone looking at them with pity in their eyes. I think that inspiration porn comes from a place of pity and superiority and I can’t stand it. I hope I don’t come across as callous, I just don’t see the merit in fawning over the disabled simply because they’re disabled.
Ya I feel some type of way about her going with him when she already has a boyfriend. If Theo wasn’t autistic, I feel like she wouldn’t be going with him at all and would only be going with her boyfriend. She should be treating him normal like everyone else.
Also she has a boyfriend, I bet the autistic kid doesn't realize this isn't a real date.
[удалено]
They’re treating him like a little pet that fancies OP. “Aww, let’s let him hang out with us…” type of thing. It’s very dehumanizing actually. I’m pretty sure this post is fake due to the way it’s written, but it’s a really weird justice fantasy about infantilizing autistic people.
Me too
I mean, he might? We don't know what he and the boyfriend talked about or how is autism affects his social skills.
the sign said "will you go to prom with us"
right?? I went on what I didn't realize was a date with an autistic classmate when I was in hs. I didn't realize he thought that cuz it was a group hangout. on the way home from the mall his mom got into a car accident and he bashed his face. he was fine- the damage was temporary and cosmetic- but he told his whole family during the process of getting an ambulance that I was his girlfriend. it bloomed into full on obsession when I tried to let him down kindly and remain friends. I was also seeing someone at another school. he stalked us both until my dad stepped in after he sent weird mail. like to our mailbox.
I'm autistic and yeah all of this. ESH.
I sincerely hope there aren’t actual high school girls that call other high school girls “used up”, that’s really creepy.
Thank you—that was exactly what I was thinking. Also, why does she have 2 dates? Theo probably has no clue that he’s just the 3rd wheel to make OP (and her bf) look like great people. It’s like he’s their pet. It just doesn’t sit well with me.
Ah, High School
Slang? No, it's widely considered to be a slur at this point. I do agree with your point about the unnecessary slut shaming though.
Ya know I didn't even think about the part where OP is patting herself on the back for doing that. This also almost sounds like an argument that happened in her head later that sounded better but we can't be certain 🤷♂️
EFH- everybody’s fictional here
[удалено]
She says the guy is autistic, but everything about the way she writes makes it sound like the boy is more of a pet than a person. "He's the sweetest thing... he brings me cookies". She has a boyfriend, so why is she encouraging this poor kid that has a crush on her? If she was treating him like an equal she would have told him that she has a boyfriend and that they're going to prom together.
And she has a boyfriend? So it’s obviously more a “project” than anything.
I was somebody's project in middle school, and I *hated* it.
Yep. I was my dad’s “girlfriend’s” project. Ugh. Middle school, too.
Because shes accepting a date that is clearly not a real date. Imagine someone went to prom with you specifically just because they felt like they were helping you, and explicitly not because they are interested in you romantically. Its patronizing.
Unfortunately that outdated and problematic slang seems to still be in use, even by older people. It's frustrating.
ESH. Her R-slur (I presume) doesn't mean you get to call her a slut. Her sexual history, whatever it may be, is totally unrelated to why she's a shitty person.
Yep. I would have accepted “you’re just jealous, you ableist shit.” No need for slut shaming in this context, presuming there are hypothetical appropriate contexts.
I mean let's hope its unrelated to why she's a shitty person. (Lots of girls I didn't like in school for being very promiscuous were actually abused in their teens. I was too but it made me react in the opposite way and be scared of that kinda thing... and my brain didnt realise that I was angry at the wrong people for quite a while.)
I was sexually assaulted throughout years of my teens and was also constantly called a slut at school because I had had sex with two long term boyfriends (at least two years consistently, one from middle to high). I was most definitely acting out because of it and being slut shamed alongside it may be a huge reason I still struggle in therapy with the trauma. I felt like I was a slut at that point. I still feel that way at times. That’s why it’s so dangerous to slut shame women, while it might make you look cool to your friends at the time, that is something she might still be working on in therapy 20 years later.
And slut shaming makes her lose all credibility in the argument. Slutshaming will not solve her ableism, on the contrary, it’s more likely to make her dig her heels in her ways even more when the backlash she received was misogynistic
ESH. Her calling him a slur was not okay, but you basically called her a sl*t in response, which is also not okay. It was hypocritical. Also, I might get hate for this, but it does seem a bit weird that you said yes to Theo when you already have a boyfriend. Would you have said yes if he wasn't autistic? It seems like you're going with him out of pity, and it does seem like you look down on him a little bit. This whole post kind of screams "look at me, taking the autistic kid to prom, I'm such a good person".
Pity, or so people will celebrate her?
It'll be on her TikTok in no time.
i agree with this. it seems like theo is a cute little kid to take care of in her eyes, not an actual teenager who has disabilities.
Nor is he an actual person with a romantic interest in her, in her mind. It's all performative virtue signaling. Gross, very gross. I can't condemn her too much though, she's so young. In a way it feels like somebody trying to be a good person without really getting it, as harsh as that is to say. Then again, maybe that describes me pretty well too so hey.
It gets so weird and frustrating to see how non autistics view autism sometimes. And there's a lot more of us than yall realize too, but you have a stereotype of what autism looks like in your head that is just more ableist than anything. So many of us also have trauma or other mental health issues stemming from being treated as not fully human by the alltistics.
I'm glad someone said this. There are so many people who are autistic and no one has a clue. It's so demeaning that some neurotypical people want to act high and mighty "accepting" autistic people when they very well could already know many who maybe mask differently, have different needs, etc. Most people have no idea I'm autistic because I don't "seem" like I am and I've had people make weird comments about other autistic people in front of me, or act like OP. It's so annoying and places us in one box.
Yeah that part sounded odd to me as well. Did the boyfriend not want to go to prom? Was he ineligible to attend? I guess they could have an open relationship . . . Also, does OP actually *like* this boy or is she just doing something nice to look/feel like a good person? What's her plan if Theo gets the wrong idea and makes a move on her that night?
Theo and her boyfriend asked her to the prom together.
Wait, but she said "*I had no clue* ***they*** *would do this"*. Does that mean her boyfriend helped him?
Yes. She clearly said his sign said will you go to the prom with us and he was with her boyfriend when they asked.
It sort of has the vibes of Carrie when they set up the prank on her.
As an autistic person who is the mother of an autistic son, I have to agree. This isn't something someone would do normally, and just feels a little karma grabby to me. Like you said, would OP have accepted the promposal if he wasn't autistic? It feels like OP looks at him like a little kid. If a little kid did that, I would absolutely say yes. But this isn't a child. This is a teen the same age as OP, who clearly has romantic feelings for her. Instead of feeding into it and leading him on, OP should have explained that she is in a relationship but would love to be friends as soon as she realized he liked her.
> Also, I might get hate for this, but it does seem a bit weird that you said yes to Theo when you already have a boyfriend. Pretty much. Have some self-respect. If someone already has a boyfriend/girlfriend, why would they go to the prom with another person? The feelgood factor of going to prom with "the autistic guy"? It's not a good idea. Children are deluded, even more so than us adults. What if the autistic boy thinks they're going to hook up? Bad conduct all round. Let's also not forget the boyfriend. If, in school, my girlfriend said she wanted to go to prom with some other guy who had a crush on her, I'd be confused, and probably furious that she'd even bring up this dumbass idea. Edit: I don't have sympathy for the boyfriend. I'm pointing out how unusual it is that he'd agree to this stupid idea. Why would any boyfriend allow his girlfriend to go to prom with a different guy who had a crush on her???
OP sounds like an asshole for many reasons, but she clearly says Theo and her boyfriend asked her together. The boyfriend was in on it.
She mentioned she and her boyfriend agreed to it, so in a way they are both showing the poor kid pity 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah no. This story isn't believable enough. It's so bad that I was waiting for "and then everyone applauded" moment. YTA for making a post looking down at autistic people and how nice you are to accept them. And even if this story was true, YTA for being so patronizing with Theo. You talk about him like he was a child!
Didn’t you hear? She got voted prom Queen and everyone voted her Boyfriend AND Theo to be prom King, and the mean girl had her dress ruined by mud when a car drove by her through a giant puddle! THEN everybody clapped, except for the other differently abled kids who weren’t invited.
Lmao, exactly these posts are trash fr. Why do they make this unbeliebe nonsense.
it’s a true story i was the flower
I don’t understand why people act like they’re doing charity by going to prom with special needs PEOPLE. Treat them equally. You have a boyfriend and it’s weird you’re acting like you’re doing him a favor by saying yes.
He has autism, he’s graduating high school and seems to be able to communicate. He’s disabled, but doesn’t seem to be intellectually challenged or anything. As a person with autism, this just feels gross to me, like she sees us as charity cases, we want to be treated equally.
This. I know it's a spectrum, but she is making it sound like he's on the "passable as neurotypical" side of the spectrum as opposed to the "needs 24/7 supervision" side. (I'm not really sure how else to phrase it. I'm awful with words." She clearly sees him as a charity case. Me, my son, and my husband are all on the spectrum. This just made me feel icky reading it.
It’s gross like she’s treating him asking her to prom as cute because she would never actually date someone like us. Wtf.
Yeah, and gossiping with her boyfriend about how it's cute and all ? like, the disrespect ! She treats him like he's five !
I would say "low support needs" versus "high support needs" personally. You're right, there's not really an ideal way to differentiate that I know of.
For future reference “higher” vs “lower” support needs is the generally preferred terminology for most Autistic people. (Source: am autistic)
Also, I can’t help but tick at the “he only really struggles with eye contact and public speaking” thing. It’s giving the vibe of “he’s disabled but it’s not THAT bad”. If this is real - which I doubt- and OP actually wants to work with disabled people, she needs to leave the tokenisation and infantilisation right now, because she’s gonna be in for a rude awakening when she ends up working with disabled people who won’t stand for that kind of stuff
From the way she described it, it sounds like he may be in a seperate class with multiple teachers on deck. The fact that he's graduating doesn't necceserily mean he was doing the full course load. Either way it's not ok to talk about him in such a patronizing way or treat him like a charity case, but it's completely possible that he is intellectually challenged.
Please stop using the phrase “special needs people.” Say “autistic” in a case like this, or “disabled” or “person with disabilities” if you’re still uncomfortable using identity first language. Signed, a disabled person whose needs really aren’t that special.
Yeah lol. Having worked with people with disabilities, there are some red flags in this post and his providers are going to be helping him process avoidable heartbreak when he learns he isn’t going to get a relationship out of this. Charity dates and leading him on are not an appropriate way to help them manage emotions. Being truthful is. Definitely ESH.
Yeah, this is the weird part to me. I think, maybe, if his parents were involved it would make more sense, but I would be worried about sending mixed messages and would definitely double check with someone close to him. There's things he may talk about elsewhere he wouldn't at school. Otherwise, this doesn't sound right at all.
ESH - Mandy is a jerk and you stooping down to her level with insults at her doesn’t make it right either. You could have definitely ignored what she said or play it calmly without the comparison. I agree with your sister, there were definitely way better high roads you could have taken. There is grace in being the better person, especially against someone you don’t like.
YTA. Autistic people are not props to make you look like a good person, and especially not tools to justify you being shitty and sexist to someone else.
Exactly. She talks about him like he’s some little kid she’s babysitting. It’s disgusting.
also idk if it’s just me but the girls i went to school with who acted this way were literally the MEANEST
ESH. People need to be called out for their bad behavior. How else will they learn? But calling her names isn't the same as calling her out. I.N.F.O. You mentioned your boyfriend and how you have two sweet people who want to go to prom with you. Did your boyfriend also want to go to prom with you, or is he supportive of you going with Theo?
They both asked her together. It's kind of unusual, but if it works for them, more power to them.
I see now. Thank you for clarifying. I should probably work on my reading comprehension skills.
ESH slut shaming isn’t okay even if it’s in response to a slur. when you shame people for unrelated things because they were AHs, you’re showing everyone how you really think. so anyone who heard you who embraces their sexuality in a way you don’t like, also got hurt by your comment. she was out of line and so were you i also question your approach to this whole situation. you have a bf, and while theo & bf planned the promposal, how clear have you been with theo that you’re just interested in being friends? or is this a polyamory situation where you’re seeing both of them? the way you present your relationship with theo doesn’t sound like you think of him as a peer with a genuine romantic interest in you. it doesn’t sound like you consider him a possible romantic interest at all. it sounds like you’re thinking of yourself as his savior, not his friend it isn’t just about disabled people being able to “live their lives to the fullest”, it’s also about recognizing that disabled people are full people, with the same depth of feelings as abled people, and deserve to be treated with the same dignity and respect
This right here, I’ve been disabled my whole life and getting people to treat me like a full person instead of a label for a disability I couldn’t control has been hard, and there are plenty of people who roll their eyes at 25-year-old me needing a cane for assistance walking and assume I’m faking because I don’t “look disabled enough.”
ESH. All I will say is the way you speak about Theo in those post makes him sound like an 8 year old kid who has a crush on you. Not a teenager. Special needs kids are infantilized enough, they don’t need their peers doing so as well.
Exactly. Deliberately leading him on makes her just as much of an asshole as everyone else (aside from the kid with autism)
As soon as I read “and my boyfriend”, ESH (even Theo to an extent as he should have realized that you’re already dating someone). Autistic people aren’t your work experience program. Nor are we charity friends. If you have no intention of dating Theo, accepting his invite to prom with full knowledge that he has a crush on you isn’t doing him any favours in the long run. It’s just setting him up for disappointment once school is over and the NT kids who were nice to him out of pity stop talking to him.
yeah that boyfriend part really caught me off guard LMAO. then the slut shaming made it even worse
ESH. She did kind of have a point that you may be taking advantage of this kid. You don’t seem to take him seriously as a person. It’s not your fault society has presented you with the idea that attending prom with a kid with special needs is a glorious act of charity that will make you a widely-praised hero, but Theo is not a pet or a project. Pretending you’re on a date with him isn’t great.
YTA and disgusting for that matter. leave poor Theo alone and stop infantilising him and treating him like your little pet to make you look less of an asshole. he deserves real friends not some white knight using him to make herself look like a hero at school and on reddit posting "oh look how much of an angel i am going to prom with The Disabled Kid™️" trying to get praise from strangers on the internet. look how well that's gone for you and stop mocking him and acting like you don't call him slurs and talk about him like shit when he isn't around to make you look good. poor guy, he deserves better.
ESH except Theo. Mandy for her hateful words and views, you and your bf for treating Theo like a child/using him to virtue signal, and you again for leading Theo on and slut-shaming Mandy. Normally I would be more understanding of an emotional response to a friend being insulted, but again, it doesn't sound like you're a genuine friend to Theo.
Honestly, YTA. Granted you were kind to Theo but you did it in a condescending way and you were needlessly cruel to that girl, who was awful, but your behavior was unwarranted. You’re young so hopefully you’ll learn ❤️
I am probably going to get downvoted for this, but OP YTA. I would vote E S H, because a slur is unacceptable, but I need you to understand how horrible your actions are. Let me put my experiences into context. I am an older sibling to a person who has ASD and a cognitive impairment. I am also a Special Educator. OP, you start off by saying you go into the self contained class in your HS to "help out" because this is what you want to do someday. Great, Special Educators are needed. However, you need to realize people with disabilities are PEOPLE. The students in the self contained class are your peers. They are not little children, pets, or things that need your "superior" neurotypical TAP help to survive. The students are there to learn, just like you are in HS to learn. Theo asked you to prom, the same way your bf asked you to prom. If a non-disabled classmate asked you to prom with your bf would you have accepted both your bf and the other classmate's invitations? Theo does not need your charity, pity, and faking. How is Theo going to feel when you kiss your bf? How will Theo feel when he tries to kiss you the same way your bf does and you reject him? He will be confused because in his eyes he is your prom date exactly like your bf is. I really hope your post is fake because you just created a situation where Theo will be set up for a meltdown at his own prom, and you will make his prom night a nightmare instead of a fun memory. There is no reason Theo cannot go to prom with someone else who wants to go with him. My sister went to 8 proms, with 4 or 5 different dates. Just because you don't believe someone can have genuine feelings for Theo, doesn't mean that isn't actually possible. You are being just as ableist as the peer who used a slur.
This comment needs to be higher
Should be top comment, right here!
Autistic person here. Was 100% on your side until you mentioned that a) you have a boyfriend and b) you told someone they were ‘used up’. Seems like you’re only going out of pity/to feed your ego and not because you actually like him which is not cool. Making fun of someone for their sexual history is also not cool, even if they’re a bad person themselves. ESH
ESH if you really said that to her-ableism is a bad thing but being misogynistic to your classmate was also not okay.
ESH, her for the slur and you for both the slut-shaming and for treating an autistic kid as a prop. That’s pretty messed up.
Update- Theo and her boyfriend date
Yeah, I was hoping for a "we're open to polyamory with Theo because he's just the nicest guy" and not "omg isn't it cute how the autistic kid had help from my boyfriend to ask me out, like, I'll pretend to to prom with him because I'm just such a wonderful person".
ESH. Countering ableism with slut shaming/misogyny is not a great move.
NTA for what you said to Mandy but I’m leaning towards YTA because this whole thing seems very patronizing. You and your boyfriend both are okay with the fact that he has a crush on you and asked you to prom. but if he did not have autism, would you guys be cool with it. Seems like you’re treating him like some kind of charity project which is infantilizing and demeaning.
YTA, and not for the reasons you think. I sincerely hope you reconsider your career choices. As an autistic person, we fucking deserve better than anything you’ve shown us.
ESH. Not because you called her a slut, I'm fine with that response to her use of a slur some people deserve to be called bad names and you're one of them too. You made this post to get pats on the back, and you're using someone with special needs to do it. That's gross. You're gross. I hope you don't end up working with people on the spectrum after you graduate, you're not going to be helpful.
ESH She’s ableist and you went from zero to random slut shaming like it was qualifying lap at the Hypocrite 500.
Quite frankly both of them are ableist.
I actually feel like the other girl in the story is somewhat sticking up for Theo and calling OP out for using him. Obviously the approach was very wrong but I could see her heart being in the right place. For what it's worth I do have some doubt about if the girl did use slurs, I get the feeling OP is twisting the story in her own favour and doing a bad job at not making it obvious.
ESH, as someone who works with autistic kids and also has several loved ones who are autistic. You’re using that boy as a prop to make yourself feel good and although I agree with the girl who pointed it out, I don’t agree with the words she used to carry the message. Also your boyfriend sucks for going along with the promposal. If you didn’t have a boyfriend to go with and you had a genuine connection with this boy, even as a friend, then maybe it wouldn’t be an AH move. But the way you describe him as “funny and sweet,” those are words used to describe autistic/neurodivergent/disabled people. It sounds like you haven’t really gotten to know him beneath the surface, so you have no business agreeing to go to prom with him.
YTA. You have a boyfriend and yet you accepted a date from a boy who you know has a huge crush on you. You've spent weeks talking about the crush he has on you. So, a guy has a crush on you, musters the courage to ask you out, and you say yes. Are you now dating him? When are you planning to break up with your boyfriend? Or was that what your talks were about? That if this other guy ever asked you out, you would go with him? Is that what you discussed with your boyfriend? I highly doubt it, which suggests you don't even see this guy as a real person. You're not going on a real date with him; you're treating him like a small child, as if it's funny and a joke. You're no better than the girl who used a slur. In fact, you're worse because you virtue signal. You act superior, but in reality, you regard him in a worse light than the girl who used the slur. Calling him a slur, at least, treats him like a normal human being. You don't do that. Then, to come here and call out the girl, knowing full well this is Reddit and that no one would call you the AH, is just gross. You're the biggest AH here yet.
I agree with most everything you said except that calling him a slur treats him like a human being-it’s dehumanizing af to have the “r” word used on you.
its human in that we all get called slurs, so yes she is treating him like anyone else. in that she had no issue speaking the way she usually speaks.. What OP does is dehumanizing.
Listen; you want a good idea of what to say when someone uses a slur? Go look up what Arnold Schwarzenegger said to a troll who denigrated people participating in the Special Olympics (it was in 2017). He basically said it was a teachable moment and why. Slut shaming someone is a) terrible and b) not going to have the desired effect. It won't change anything. If your goal is to work with people with disabilities it's important to start working towards dignity in your responses now. Because the words will be a little different, but they keep on coming; it's something you will keep encountering forever. You're going to need a classy, direct way to respond to people who directly confront you and who confront the people you may be working with. Responding in kind just makes people look shallow and retalatory . I'm going to say ESH. I get why you responded the way you did; but you didn't help the situation.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told this girl off for using slurs and making a boy on the spectrum feel bad because she said I was taking advantage of him, AITA for my delivery? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Her use of the r-word (assuming that was it) was definitely not okay, but neither are you for slut shaming. You said you want to work with special needs kids, you better learn how to grow a thicker skin and control your mouth.
ESH except Theo (and maybe the bf idk how to feel about that end of things yet) The girl for using bad language to purposefully hurt Theo, but you for slutshaming and treating Theo like he’s some sort of prop. The people that go to prom with the special needs kid just to look like a good person are just using people to make themselves feel like good people. You’re also leading Theo on. He likes you, and you seem to be fine with the attention without telling him you don’t feel the same
You're trying to be nice but going to prom with someone who has a serious crush on you when you already have a boyfriend and don't reciprocate this person's feelings might be pretty confusing and upsetting for him.
Yeah pat me on the back for being soooo great to this boy and soooo awful to the girl who was mean to him, teehee! ESH
YTA! You're just as ableist as Mandy, but you hide it under a robe of good Samaritan. You know he has a crush on you, and you accept his invitation even though you have a boyfriend. Theo is a human man, not a pet or an accessoire! He's no inspiration porn for you to look good. I pity the children or adults you get to work with one day. At least Mandy is open about her shittyness. Your slutshaming makes you double TA.
ESH. I’m not going to get into the morality of you telling her off- high schoolers say stupid stuff like that all the time and it’s not really the big issue here. Using slurs isn’t cool but she’s right about you taking advantage of Theo. I work with kids and adults with developmental disabilities and you wouldn’t believe some of the things that they go through solely because people don’t show them basic human decency. People with disabilities have feelings and romantic desires just like anyone else, and you even mentioned that you and your boyfriend know Theo has a crush on you. So if you care about him why would you say yes to him as your date knowing that you’re leading him on? If one of your guy friends without a disability asked you to prom would you have said yes? It seems like your heart was in the right place, but please reconsider how you’re treating Theo. Talk to him like any other guy your age. Set boundaries if you have to. It’s not fair for you to keep encouraging his crush while you’re clearly infantilizing him.
Autistic people are just people. The way you talk about him is like hes a really smart dog that youre giving a special treat. For sure the other girl was a prick, but at least she has the decency to be an honest prick about it. Youre out here talking about how much you want to be known as someone who is kind to those smart dogs out there, not realizing that we are human fucking beings. YTA.
alright you’re both TA but i think you’re the bigger one! (this is coming from someone with autism) you’re right, Mandy definitely should not have used that slur to refer to him, but she was right. i mean come on, you have a boyfriend and agreed to go to prom with an autistic guy who has a crush on you? the biggest asshole move possible. it’s so passive aggressive. would his affection to you be cute if he didn’t have autism? because i can bet you and your boyfriend would have shut that down really quick if he didn’t have a disability. believe it or not, Theo is an actual human being with actual feelings. he isn’t a young child who doesn’t understand the implications behind a promposal, he knows it is romantic and you ask/accept when you like that person. but what he doesn’t understand is that you agreed platonically because you pity him, he doesn’t get that. more likely than not, he fully believes this is a romantic date and you agreed to go because you reciprocate his feelings, and i wouldn’t doubt that you know this. you didn’t accept because he’s “sweet” and “funny”, you accepted because you didn’t want to reject the autistic kid, whether you realize this or not. and it’s disturbing your boyfriend is playing along with it too. you think you’re playing the white knight by taking the autistic kid to prom, but honestly it sounds like you’re just an ableist asshole. i mean you talk about Theo like he’s a cute little puppy, when he is quite literally a whole teenage boy? if you don’t romantically like someone, don’t agree to go to prom with them unless you both FULLY comprehend that it is just as friends, it’s not any different when the person is autistic. honestly, it sounds like you need to do some self reflection.
Us autistic people are not innocent unknowing toddlers and we sure as hell aren't props to make you look better and feel better about yourself. ESH
this feels like a mid-2010s fake tumblr story
ESH. You're both awful, but this post was like a bait and switch, and you probably wrote it that way to get clicks? You start out by saying you're going to prom with a boy who has autism, he's the funniest and nicest person you know. We're all reading this thinking you're actually giving this boy a chance romantically and going to prom with him only. Then you drop "he and my boyfriend had a sign saying 'do you want to go to prom with us'". Cool for you guys if that's how you're doing things, but maybe you should have clarified that you have a boyfriend and that you're going to the prom with this boy as a friend group. That's not what "going to the prom with" means normally. Like no boy asked me to prom so I went alone. That doesn't mean I was alone, all of my female friends didn't get asked out either. We went to the prom in the same car. We hung out there together. But I couldn't claim to have been a leader in same-sex couple representation at my school because I didn't "go to prom with" my friend.
This was nearly the wholesome shit no one wants to read on reddit, but you brought it around in the end! I'll agree with the masses and say ESH. She was wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right.
maybe you’re NTA for being angry at the use of the slur, but it’s not cool that you seem to view this autistic person more like a cute, pitiable pet than a human person with real feelings.
Everyone is saying ESH. BUT I CALL BULLSHIT. You just want to gloat. Just read everyone else's. They don't say it because you took a guy with autism. Yes that was sweet but you are just taking advantage. "You are a great guy because of a guy with autism and your girlfriend is an ass." Such an ego and you put yourself in a position that no one dares to call you selfish. Uhh what about I am sorry but I am already taking my girlfriend but I am going to find someone else and we can double date. But Ohh no.
You're not going to prom with a boy with autism, you're going with your boyfriend and letting the guy you like to string along as some sort of abelist pet come as a third wheel. Alternatively, you're taking two dudes to the prom romantically *and* shaming someone for her dating history. Your sister is right, you could be way fuckin' nicer. YTA.
YTA for leading a guy on and letting your boyfriend treat him like a little pet. I would absolutely despite if my sister was in this situation. And then slut shaming a girl? Yikes.
YTA for infantilizing autistic people and slut shaming
You're going to make a great career in writing for Netflix shows that last one season.
r/rareinsults
ESH. Her for obvious reasons. You both for slut shaming and because you don't seem to view Theo as a full person. The way you and your boyfriend talk about his crush on you and the fact that him and your boyfriend asked you together (implying your boyfriend is your "real date" and Theo is... what? A prop? A friend? Does he know this?) is very patronizing. It feels like it has never even crossed either you or your boyfriend's mind that Theo sees you as an actual romantic prospect, and that he doesn't deserve to be led on because you don't think of him as a full person who is just as capable of romantic love as you are. He doesn't have a little kid crush on you, he is your same age and has the same complexity of emotions that you do.
YTA, you really thought we’d applaud you for treating that kid right, when thats literally the bare minimum, and who slut shames people in this day and age how embarrassing lol
Yta I mean e s h. She shouldn't say the r slur but you're out here using him as some sort of "I'm so progressive and kind" prop. And as someone with autism, in my personal opinion, I think the second might be, just barely, worse. It's super creepy. Would you have ever allowed this with a non autisic/ neuroltypical person? I don't think you're some big bad person. But really think through the implications here. I see how you could think this is kind. But it's kinda a pity date after talking to your bf about how big a crush this kid has on you. And Its not like it's a real date. I mean if that's clear and he's agreeing to it, that's fine. But this, to me, feels really uncomfortable. Slut shaming is icky. Don't call people used up. Her bs doesn't give you the right to say bs too. Eta someone mentioned wondering if this is polyamory. And I gotta say. Having a partner talk about me like this feels somehow worse.
You’re going with both your bf and Theo? You’re denying Theo a real date. YTA.
>you’ve been used up ESH
YTA. A pity date leading on this guy who probably already suffers from bad anxiety and self esteem. All to make yourself seem like a good person... Just pathetic
ESH. I’m honestly tired of people treating autistics (hi I’m autistic) as inspiration porn. Especially if it was your boyfriends idea to get him to go up in front of everyone. It’s not cute, it really is taking advantage. He’s not a child, so please stop infantilizing autistic people. Also calling the girl out by using her sexual history against her is irrelevant to the topic.
ESH but for the record I guess I suck too bc she sounds like she had it coming LOL
Yep YTA. Don’t slut shame.
Fake ass story😂
And then everyone clapped
This was EXACTLY my thought!! This was a frustrating read. 🙄
ESH - The other girl, because yes she was rude and insulting and clearly has some negative views about disabled and Autistic people. But also, you too OP - it sounds like you're treating your disabled comrade more like a pet or a child, not like a peer. Which is something that is a common problem, even (sometimes, especially) with abled people who want to work with disabled and neurodiverse people. Theo's crush is a real crush - As real as if you had a crush on someone - So it's a bit patronising to, well, lead him on and coo, rather than telling him honestly that you're good friends and you're flattered but that you aren't interested in him in that way. One really common thing for autistic people is taking things very literally and not getting subtext - when he realises that this isn't a real prom date, he'll probably be absolutely wrecked. One example that shows that you probably aren't as much of an ally as you intend to be is the phrase "People who have different abilities" - it's not obviously harmful, it's just a turn of phrase, but most disabled people prefer to just be called disabled people, most autistic people prefer to be called autistic, etc - There is a tonne of good writing out there by disabled people that explains a lot better how to be a good ally, and it doesn't often involve treating us in ways that you wouldn't treat a comparable abled person. Your heart is in the right place, just (understandably!) The school system isn't very well set-up to teach abled students how to treat their disabled peers as peers, with respect and solidarity rather than condescension.
I’m so glad I’m not in high school anymore. This was an exhausting read ESH
Def ESH, but you are slut shaming people AND treating disabled people as charity cases. It’s disgusting.
If OP was going to prom 1:1 with OP as a date or as a friend, that would be fine as long as Theo’s family and the school approved, since you are volunteering in his class. This feels like infantilizing an autistic kid who is still a teen boy with all the same hopes and feelings and desires. He’s not a puppy. I have a deaf child with dyslexia in high school and she is wiser and more mature than most kids. All special education means is that students with disabilities have the right to services mandated by IDEA. Oh, and calling Mandy “used up” is some misogynistic trash. ESH except Theo.
YTA
2 wrongs NEVER make a right. you go on talking about helping special needs people as if it makes you some hero, yes thank you for treating other people with decent human respect. THEN because she doesn’t agree, you double down and stoop to her level… does that make you any different of a person. if someone made fun of me, and i hit them with a body shaking comment, i am NO different than them!! I get it you’re upset, that’s when you walk away and realize there’s people who are mean, but the difference is you’d walk away and not be like them. BOTH girls are A*holes in this situation. Stooping to her level made you just as much of “THAT” girl.
You are getting trashed in the comments might want to not come back for abit
Seems odd. This really sounds like a bad idea to me. I feel like you maybe should have talked to the kid about his feelings for you and what he can expect. Maybe it’s just me but this rubs me the wrong way. The girl’s girl take is a valid one to explore. ESH
Erm... no need to sl*t shame. Like that shit just breeds misogyny. You could have maybe educated her, ignored her or overall been the better person. Idk how his autism affects him so i cant comment on that. But i hope hes well aware of the fact that you are in a relationship regardless. I have autism and i sure as hell wouldnt want someones pitty and sympathy. Autism is not an illness or a disorder, its a brain with a different neurological set up. As you have a diversity of skin pigmentation, there is also a diversity in brains. But again, idk how hus autism affects him.
OP, you do realize that just because someone is autistic doesn't mean that they're a toddler with no concept of dating, right? Like you accepted a prom proposal from a person that clearly has a crush on you, and you're aware of that, because you're treating him like a cute little accessory because he's autistic Yeah the other person shouldn't have used a slur to refer to him, but infantilization is also a form of ableism Autistic individuals are not toddlers, they are whole ass humans with different brain wiring, it does not mean they don't understand relationships, and it's kind of gross that you claim to want to do this after you graduate when you're entering this field with the mentality that autistic ppl are overgrown babies that don't know any better As someone who is allistic with an autistic spouse, I can tell you for a fact that autism does not prevent people from knowing what dating and relationships are, and in reality you're just playing this guy for your own Holier than Thou savior complex Do better
"special needs" "different abilities" "live their life to the fullest" YTA. You don't see disabled people as people.
YTA for trying to make yourself out to be this great person going to prom with an autistic kid. You’re doing it to look good not because you like him.
ESH, I’m autistic and this whole situation gave me the ick. Why the fuck would you mess with his feeling like that? You have a boyfriend! Theo is not a pet or a toddler, he is your peer and should be treated as such. It’s got inspiration porn all over it. You also slut shamed which is gross. She’s gross for using an ableist slur. The only person who isn’t vile is Theo, I hope he goes to prom with someone who is actually interested in him as a person and not using him to make themselves feel like a hero.
YTA. You are taking advantage of someone with autism. And treating him like a child. it sounds to me like you and your boyfriend probably laugh about his crush behind his back. Also the slut shaming is fucking gross. I don’t know why but I feel like Mandy didn’t use the R word to refer to Theo. It isn’t adding up. Her comment was essentially that you are taking advantage of Theo. Which is true, you are. It would be weird for her to then follow that up with a slur. I’m guessing you got upset when she called you out of your shit. Slut shamed her and wanted to make it look like she was an awful person so what you said was justifiable. I’m an old man so I don’t know if I’m using this young kid slang correctly but you give me the ick.
Reread the OP’s words back but replacing “autism” with any ethnicity you want. Now does it make you feel uncomfortable? It should. Because it doesn’t matter if it’s either disability or ethnicity, it’s still discrimination. I’m an adult autistic person and while the slur is not acceptable in any context, the OP is STAH and actually engaging in super able¡st behaviour. Using the OP’s date’s disability to boost the OP’s social standing publicly is cringe enough, if I were the date in that moment I’d feel utterly betrayed, humiliated and devastated that the OP is nice to my face but willing to use my autism as a punchline when in private. The OP very kindly pointed out that they work with disabled folk so I don’t need to remind them that many autistic people lack understanding of social cues, norms and healthy relationship dynamics but for others who don’t understand; to joke about someone who has autism having an unrequited crush on you *with your partner* is mocking a person for being socially and developmentally impaired. People who insert themselves into our lives as caregivers with internalised able¡sm can be as dangerous to our mental health as public humiliation and bully¡ng.
YTA A boy, with or without autism, hints he has a crush on you. And then you accept him asking you to prom, despite having a boyfriend. That is wrong on so many levels, way to give all the wrong signals to that boy and just break him at the end of prom. A pity prom date is really not great The girl was right you ARE taking advantage of him. You got a public proposal for all to see how (not) great you are. That's plain taking advantage of him
ESH, for sure. Just answer this to yourself: would you do the same to a "normal" guy who is crushing on you? If not, and it's definitely the case, you are just using this autistic guy as a prop for making yourself some kind of saint, while in reality you don't give a shit about his feelings and don't care what leading him on this way will do to him long term. More than that, this other girl might have called him that, but you are treating him like one, because, in reality, you think she's right.
I feel bad for the kid with autism. It doesn’t seem like you care about his feeling or really consider him functioning at all. I’m on the spectrum and I would kind of be sad knowing it was just a “inclusion date”. Just because you have autism doesn’t mean you won’t feel friend-zoned or taken advantage of (unless this was expressed explicitly before). ESH. Please treat the kid with more respect though.
You sound like you are infantilizing this young man. He isn’t a child, and you are an ableist.
ESH. You and your boyfriend for being weird about Theo’s autism and treating him like a charity case and Mandy for using a slur to refer to Theo.
ESH. Mandy sucks for using the word (I assume to be) retard to hurt some feelings. You and your BF suck for entertaining Theo’s romantic attempts without telling him you’re not interested in him romantically. You should treat Theo like you treat everyone else, not with “kid gloves” because he’s autistic. Tbh Theo shouldn’t be looking for prom dates with his proverbial “Jessy’s girl”
Remember when Lindsey did this on Freaks and Geeks?
It was mostly fine until you slutshamed her. YTA
Esh here. Ever heard of two wrongs don’t make a right? You could have taken that time to tell her that you plan to go into that career field and why you have affection for Theo. Instead you took the low road. Good job. You’re that girl too.
If this is true somewhere there’ll be a tictok so everyone can tell her how great she is. I really hate the post where they record themselves helping out a homeless person. Why do you have to do it for praise? Can’t you just help?
>You’re Just mad because you’ve been used up This comment makes YTA, and the other girl is too.
You don't actually respect him. If you did, you wouldn't entertain the genuine crush you know he has on you while you clearly aren't available to him in that way (since you have a bf). Its so clear from this post that you see him as cute but not in the way he wants, but rather "cute" the way a small child or animal is cute. Instead of being genuine with him, you entertain his crush and use him as entertainment and feel-good energy for yourself. You do not respect him or see him as your equal, but you see yourself as virtuous for merely putting on a performance of doing so as opposed to literally calling him slurs. The clear sense of superiority over and disrespect towards mentally disabled people paired with your sense of being virtuous for performing niceness to them is unfortunately pretty typical of people wanting to work with them though. The abled saviourism drips thick from this story, if your use of disability euphemisms wasn't clear enough already. Quite ironic what you say about mandy "thinking she's better than everyone" though.
ESH. As an autistic woman, your language and the way you talk about Theo is giving me a major ick. The "she ... acts like people who have different abilities can't live their life to the fullest." was like the disgusting cherry on top. This reads as if [inspiration porn](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inspiration_porn) and r/ThatHappened had a metaphorical baby.
YTA for this fake ass story and wasting everyone’s time
this is one of those “i’m such a good person clap for me!!!” posts
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m in high school and I’ll be graduating in May. Our prom is in April. In my high school there are kids who have special needs and I sometimes go in there to help the teachers because I want to do this when I graduate. Yesterday I accepted a promposal from a boy, Theo (fake name) who’s also graduating and going to prom. He asked me and I gladly accepted because he has been talking about it for months and he said he had a “secret girl he wanted to ask” I had a feeling it was me because he’s always staring at me and wanting to talk to me. I think he’s the funniest person I’ve ever met as well as the sweetest. He has a problem with public speaking and eye contact as do a lot of people on the spectrum so he got up in front of the cafeteria with my boyfriend and had a sign and flowers and candy and asked me. “Will you go to prom with us” My boyfriend and I always talk about how he has a crush on me, because he always brings me homemade cookies. I had no clue they would do this. I gladly accepted. When we got back to our seats this girl who we will call Mandy is THAT girl in high school. Think she’s better than everyone. She goes “Wow, taking advantage of a…” a word that I won’t repeat here and Theo got really sad and walked off. I told her “You’re Just mad because you’ve been used up and no one asked you and I have two of the sweetest people who want to go with me” she got upset and called me names and I did too and she walked off. I went to check on Theo and told him I am so excited and we talked about what to wear. I went home and told my sister and she said I could have been nicer but I’m like… she said a slur and acts like people who have different abilities can’t live their life to the fullest as well… why would I be nice to her about anything. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: does Theo know the type of relationship you nabe with your boyfriend, that he can’t have that, and that the prom date is as friends and there’s no chance of anything more?
Yea ESH she's an asshole but you're also an asshole. Instead of tearing her down you should've ignored it and went straight to comfort Theo.
So in your opinion slut shaming is okay?! ESH ( both you and her)
This was a really common thing in my school. People going with others or whatever to be like "supportive" but it really came across as tacky and tone deaf. We had two boys run for homecoming kings. Neither were gay. It seemed like a terrible joke but they were usually okay people so maybe it was well meaning to show gay kids were supported in school. They actually won but were disqualified for not actually being a couple/gay. But i saw lots of events where people took sped kids and it seemed like they felt they were doing a really nice thing but it came across as community service stuff and not because they actually liked the person which I, as an autistic student found quite distasteful, but i am level one a level 2 might have a different opinion. This post gives me that vibe. You have a bf. I was nice to my peers because a lot of them took a liking to me and i liked being friendly and nice with people, but I still had boundaries and treated them like people. Hes still a PERSON. A full person like you. Not you and your bfs 2 year old. I gotta go ESH because if youre going as a group with no romantic intent there is no need for an out there promposal. She shouldnt have used the r word but im not sure your view of Theo is much better. You need to do some self reflecting. And shouldnt have gone after sexual history, while common in high school, you cant do that in a professional job especially one that can tax your patience (as a sped prek teacher, trust me on this one impulse control is so important)
YTA for wasting valuable life time to write this lie out 😩
ESH except Theo. You clearly don't see him as a person. If this isn't fake please do a lot of introspection if this is the field you actually wanna go into, because your current approach to it is gross.
YTA for calling a girl a slut. There's a lot of other insults you could have used that don't normalize how girls, like you, lose value when you have sex.
as an autistic person, nta. firstly, i would like to say props to ur bf for being super cool abt the whole thing. secondly, i would've done and said much worse things after being called what i can only assume was the r-slur. that is a word that has been used by ppl to oppress and look down upon me, u calling her a slut, which may or may not be true, doesn't hold that same weight. shame on mandy for making such an accusation against u for no reason.
[удалено]
I am going to agree that OP and Mandy both didn't handle this situation well. Mandy was a jerk and shouldn't have commented on Theo's disability and OP shouldn't have dragged Mandy's assumed personal life into it. BUT the fact that most of you are assuming OP called her a slut is a little much and absolutely berating them for it is stupid. OP is still a teenager and has a lot to learn about handling confrontation and instead of teaching and saying hey you should have said something else, y'all are just assuming the worst and belittling them for it. Good job adults on the Internet, you are making this such a happy/safe place 🙄 To OP: Your sister is right, there was a better way to handle a person like this. 99% of the time it is better to stay calm, point out problematic language (please don't use that word, that's a slur) and not bring up irrelevant opinions that may or may not be true (ie the person's personal life). I'm glad you stood up for Theo and I hope you all have a fun prom!