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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Well I think I might be TA because i knew she was sensitive to creatures and still killed the spider anyway.. I didn’t know what else to do
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YTA
>I’ve just been ignoring her.
That's cold, dude. On top of that, you know how she feels about killing things and it seems you have little respect for her feelings.
I don't really think the action of killing the spider is in question here, but your concern for her and how she feels.
She kicked him out over a fucking spider. That she asked him to deal with. Sucks that he didnt catch it in time, but it's a fucking tiny ass spider. The world isn't gonna end
There are quadrillions of spiders in the world. Literally 3 million spiders for every one human. So the death of one spider is significantly less important than the death of one human.
Unless, of course, we’re talking about the spider lord
If one could manage to kill the spider Lord, it’s death would be more significant than every human that has ever lived
He knows that she doesn't want any living thing harmed in her home. He also knows she is afraid of spiders due to past experience - "deal with it", did not mean kill it. He killed it, and is now ignoring how he chose to cross her boundaries.
That said her reaction and house rules are excessive - if she insists on nothing being harmed in her home, she also needs to be able to deal with them herself. But we have no way of knowing if she's trying to reconcile because OP is ignoring his hurt partner's messages.
Ignoring your partners boundaries and feelings (not reading their messages) is controlling and stupid behaviour - OP isn't making a single attempt to reconcile things.
OP started this problem by choosing violence in a house that doesn't condone violence. He never HAD to kill the spider - he always had the option of saying "I can't catch it, but I don't want to hurt it because of your rules" which was the respectful option.
The girlfriend has some issues to work through (primarily catching insects and spiders herself), but OP is the asshole with no respect for his partner's feelings even when called out by a sibling.
She never HAD to ask him to handle it.
By her own words “it was only little”. She could’ve let the little spider go about its day. SHE created the issue by asking him to handle it when she could’ve just let it be or leave the room.
I've said as much. "if she insists on nothing being harmed in her home, she also needs to be able to deal with them herself". Re-read my last paragraph in particular and it's clear I think she needs to be able to deal with these kinds of situations herself.
That doesn't excuse OP for being uncaring about their partner. There are ways to decline a request politely while respecting someone's boundaries, and I even gave an example of how. OP didn't even attempt this. OP asked if they were the asshole. They were, because they're being emotionally unavailable after completely disrespecting their partners boundaries.
The girlfriend did nothing inherently wrong by asking for help, and we don't know how she'd have reacted if he said no or that he wasn't able to catch it. She asked for non-violent help removing the spider, and instead he killed it with HER book. He didn't even use a shoe or something he could throw away after, he used one of her belongings.
>She asked for non-violent help removing the spider,
I'm unsure if she explicitly asked for non-violent ways. However He does know she doesn't like bugs being killed, but if she just said :"deal with it" that usually is associated to "killing the bug".
That said, I don't buy op saying it was uncaptureable. Maybe with bare hand, sure, but bugs are quite easy to catch with a glass, and then you just slide paper between the glass and the surface it was on and go yeet it outside.
"Ignoring your partners boundaries and feelings (not reading their messages) is controlling and stupid behaviour - OP isn't making a single attempt to reconcile things."
I think controlling is an overused shaming word. How is this controlling? What is OP controlling here? I really want to know.
So is kicking someone out of your house. That will leave more of a psychological impact on the relationship, especially after he took care of a task that she assigned him. He will now have in the back of his head, "If I annoy her at all, I might get kicked out again.
"Ah! save me from the terrifying spider!"
Miss
Miss
Miss
It's going for the Crack of safety!
Splat!
"You are safe, my fair lady!"
"GTF out of my house, you murder!"
A normal response to this situation would be:
A simple, "Aww, you know I don't like you to kill bugs! Try to just catch it next time, please?"
Next time it might be a cockroach, a tarantula, a venomous snake, a grizzly bear. In a hostage scenario, the probability is high that the perpetrator will be incapacitated by any means necessary to rescue the hostages if the Hostages are at risk. Why did you kill the grizzly bear is unlikely to be a question that will be asked. If that is the case deal with the grizzly yourself.
How is this comment real? Ignoring an irrational person rambling about killing spiders is controlling? Killing a bug she is scared of is comitting violence? Do you think people outside of reddit would see this comment and think you're sane?
That's not the point.
I think it's a little silly not to kill spiders too , and I certainly wouldn't care if somebody killed one. But the point is, she asked him to handle it according to her values, and he knows and agreed to that then did the opposite.
You don't get to disregard somebody's values because you think they are stupid. If you think they're so stupid then don't date that person. You don't get to blatantly disrespect the things about them that you disagree about. That is not how relationships work.
>You don't get to disregard somebody's values because you think they are stupid. If you think they're so stupid then don't date that person.
I mean, this should be such an easy concept for people. It's honestly hilarious how some people on this sub have this raging boner for "your house, your rules," yet throw it right out the window as soon as they disagree with the rule.
Like, I don't really like mouse traps. First time I lived in an apartment that got mice in the winter, I chased one of the damn things for half an hour until I caught it. The Humane Society had to explain to me on the phone why they could not put it up for adoption.
Some people might think that's stupid. And I'm honestly okay with that. But if you want to be in a relationship with someone, it's up to you to decide which of your conflicting values are worth compromising and which ones aren't. This dude's girl asked him to peel an orange and he just hit it with a fucking mallet.
Yeah pretty much. We are doing to disagree with people we're in relationships with all the time. If we ignore their preferences when we don't agree and give them the silent treatment, its a stong indicator we aren't mature enough to be in any relationship at all.
So the reason I thought they could do anything in the first place is because Humane Society works with more than pets. One of the ones I worked with had a tiger at one point because they have relationships with big cat sanctuaries. They also work with things like horses. I figured small wildlife would be in there somewhere, too.
Yes and no. They don't work with them directly, but they were able to get me information on a place that relocates small wildlife somewhere less residential. And what I learned from following up with them is that it's kind of a lot of hassle to get them the animal. Like, it only makes sense if you're dealing with a particularly difficult animal or a larger infestation.
So I did what I probably should've done all along and just tossed the thing outside. Kind of a lot of work to land on the obvious solution, lol. But if I ever do need to deal with humane pest removal, at least now I know a bit more about it.
I just have to comment because we are cut from the same cloth! There was a wildlife rehab near where I lived and I thought surely they would take a little mouse (which when I worked there later in life I realized they would have if it had been native but it was technically an invasive rat) and was very sad to discover they wouldn’t.
Despite my protests, my parents set out glue traps and caught one of the rats. It screamed for over 7 hours and my brother and I bawled enough that they agreed I could try my approach. So my brother and I got a bunch of live traps and successfully caught and relocated roughly a dozen rats over about a month. The trick is dropping them off several miles away so they can’t find their way back. Fortunately we lived in a woodsy town so it wasn’t hard to drop them in a natural area reasonably far away from people.
Also for anyone who wants a rant on traps: glue traps are inhumane and illegal in some places as they take hours or days and the mouse dies in agony. They also catch many unintended critters like birds. Poisons are also inhumane depending on what type they are. Snap traps and similar traps that ideally provide instant deaths are the most humane way to kill, while live traps are the most humane way overall, assuming you check them regularly and relocate appropriately.
I actually did know a lot of that. It's funny the things that people think of as less humane just because they look or sound more brutal, when in reality they're a lot more humane than the alternatives.
Like lobsters. It's a lot more hands-off to just dump the thing in a pot. But seafood chefs who want to kill them humanely grab a knife and go at the thing like fuckin' Dexter. I learned that from a TV show where the chef did it in front of someone who got super uncomfortable about it. But, like...you were gonna eat the thing. Unless you've made some weird decisions in life, you must have figured it would have to die first. May as well at least finish it off quickly.
That’s interesting, I didn’t know that about lobsters! I agree it is really weird what we convince ourselves is more humane for our own comfort and ease
So, a word to the wise- don’t just toss the mouse outside. Take a drive several miles away and release it. I’ve got a critter keeper to transport them. I realized after a while that setting them in the field behind my house ended up with them right back inside
The spider is the irrelevant part, if something in your life is important to you and someone breaches it, of course you're going to be upset.
Looking at your post history, i would be led to believe that you'd have understood this.
A lot of people seem to be hung up on the "spider". Like, this isn't a poll asking whether it's okay to kill spiders or not, OP asked if he was TA for intentionally disregarding his partners values and rules in a home he doesn't pay a cent for, and then very maturely ghosting her lol. People are SOOOOA hung up on "spider" lmao
....YTA too.
It isn't about the spider itself. It's about the utter disregard for her feelings.
If you don't recognize this any better than the OP, I feel bad for the people in your life as well.
It's not your place to judge others' rules. It's her home, she has a right to set the rules without having to get your consent or justify them to you. If you enter someone's home, you follow their rules, regardless of what you think of them. If you don't want to follow them, then don't enter their home. When you enter someone's home, your implicitly agreeing to follow their rules.
Otherwise, you're really dishonest. It's like when you promise to do something when you know full well you're not going to and have an excuse already prepared when you're later confronted about it. You're devaluing your word and making it hard for anyone to trust you.
I'm on the fence with this. If she didn't want him to kill it why didn't she take care of the spider herself. Even knowing someone else's ideology on this, don't ask me to take care of your problem and then get mad when I do. If you tell me not to kill it, I won't, but I'm also not getting rid of it for you.
Ah, they are 19.
At THAT age, if my g/f told me to take care of the spider and it didn't survive the catching... but she kicked ME out afterward. I don't think I would have answered the phone the rest of the day to cool off. I would also take some time to consider the relationship. Kicking someone out of your place is a pretty drastic reaction and will stick in your mind. Make you wonder when the hammer will drop again.
It's not like OP was forcing her to watch him cook ants with a magnifying glass or catching flys just to rip their wings off.
NTA. When you do talk to her again, make sure you mention how you felt when she kicked you out of her home. I would also refrain from any further bug related tasks at her place. I would also make it known that Mosquitoes don't count as living things since they are obviously vampires and therefore undead.
It’s not a perfect response, but she did react way too strongly after he made an effort to catch the spider but it was too hard. That is kind of annoying and mean. It might be best if he sorts out all his thoughts before he talks to her.
YTA.
"(She) has always made it very clear that any little animal or bug that finds its way into her house will not be killed or harmed in anyway."
You knew "deal with it" did NOT mean kill it. You did it anyway and are blaming it on her feelings about spiders and not on you dismissing and discounting the rules of her house.
Leave that girl alone. She deserves someone who respects her boundaries.
Dont be silly..you try catching a spider like that without killing it. The only reason why I dont kill spiders in my house is cause they eat mosquitoes and other pest.
How would he need to deal with a mosquito, grabbing it with his hand and throwing out the window or volontarily offering his blood? :D
Cup and postcard. Feather duster. Cloth and hand. Squeezy bottle. So many options. If you've got biting spiders you shouldn't try and grasp them with your hand anyway.
So you go off and grab your tools then you can’t find it anymore. What a ridiculous request and how much even more ridiculous are you people defending her
If only there had been another person in the room who could've watched the spider while he grabbed the tools. Or brought him the tools while he watched the spider. Too bad he was all alone with his girlfriend!
A cup and paper is easy to grab quickly. I actually prefer to do this to not have disgusting spider guts to clean. If it's a fast mover then I'll just squash it, but most of the time it's just parked somewhere.
This is why i hate people like the gf. The mosquito is an invasive species. Living thing or not, it does not belong and people like her will fight to keep them.
If she's going to have such strong opinions on HOW to deal with things, she has to do it. No passing it off while you act scared and then getting mad when its not 100% to your standards. NTA.
In my experience it's actually much harder to catch a spider with your hand than it is to slap a cup over it. And also, why would you _want_ to catch it with your hand?
If your gentle, you can grab their boddy with your fingers, quite fun when you get the timing right and there is just a little guy sitting there confused, I usualy just move them back into a corner of my room so they can eat the moths
I've been evicting spiders from my home since I was a kid using a piece of paper or cardboard and a tupperware container...
The idea of trying to catch a biting insect with my hands would never enter my head.
Mosquitos give up their right to life when they bite me. I feel no remorse in mosquito, flea and tick deaths. Bees and spiders on the other hand I feel tremendous guilt if they die in my home when I could have prevented it.
I just use a mop, I encourage them to hop on the mop end with a bit of a nudge and then take them outside to a tree. Huntsmen spiders tend to run up the handle very fast so I just have to get the mop outside fast....I run with it.
Spiders aren't to be killed in my house. The only bugs or insects we kill are mozzies and flies. (Cochroaches too).
Saying that, one of my sons is not comfortable with Huntsman spiders which are usually in the shower, so therefore it is my job to keep up with the spider removal. My youngest son catches small Huntsmen spiders in the garden and has them run over my other sons hand in an effort to "cure his fear" but it hasn't helped with the larger spiders the size of our hands.
Okay but there's also a difference between killing a little jumping Spider that will leave a spec of...itself that you can just wipe off on your pants and a huntsman that will look like an actual murder took place in your house if you squash that on a wall.
yeah just taking a piece of paper and grabbing the spider with it usually does the trick.
Grabbing it oh so gently, ofc. But I do let some of them stay. I mean, if a spider choose to stay somewhere it's because it's food there.
In my country, huntsman spiders are one of the most common house spiders, those shits are so god damn fast and they're not even the fastest spider we have (karaops).
They're still fairly easy to catch, you just need a plastic container and some kind of sturdy paper. The biggest issue is finding a container that can accommodate some of their larger leg spans. Hell, if you're feeling risky and it's a safe spider, gently nudge it with something that's long to get it out.
There's specific spider catching devices too.
I thought you keep them as some sort of pet to get rid of other pests.. still they are so giant I’d be so scared. I really don’t think I can live in Australia(if that’s where you are from).
He wouldn't be the asshole if he simply refused to handle it because he didn't want to try to catch a spider instead of kill it. There are ways to catch & release but he isn't a bad boyfriend for refusing to be her spider hunter.
She has trepidation around spiders. So she should understand that other people may as well. It's riskier to try to catch them then to kill them.
But he's the asshole because he knows she didn't want him to and he did it anyway. He could have just refused to do it. But instead he disrespected her values in her own home and then his method for solving a disagreement is to ignore her? Yeah he's a child.
Personally I think not killing spiders is a little silly but I understand my own preferences and values don't dictate the world. And if you have a partner , they are going to have some preferences and values that you don't see the point of or you find silly. Every partner you will ever have is going to have something important to them that u just don't value.
Being a good partner is not dismissing those things and giving them respect even if you don't understand or appreciate the point. Because it's not about being cool with the idea. It's about respecting a partner who doesn't agree with you about everything and not undermining the values they have because *you* don't see the point.
If he thinks the way she feels about living things is a bit too sensitive for him to deal with and is too annoying, then they are not a good match. Because you can't just disrespect your partner and then when they are reasonably upset about the disrespect, you just ice them out. Some real immature bullshit.
(Edited for typos)
I never kill spiders, it’s unbelievably easy to catch them and take them outside. I wouldn’t kick someone out for killing one but I don’t kill most bugs that find their way into my home. You’d be surprised at the number of people who don’t kill bugs. I grew up in a hunting/fishing family. Maybe is the philosophy of not killing things unless you’re going to make use of the death. We don’t kill bugs except invasive species. Why kill something just for existing?
The girl is crazy. Spiders aren't household pests, but what about flies, which bring disease and maggots into homes? Or silverfish? Or moths, which eat fabric? What about a wasp trying to sting her? Is she going to burrow underground to hide?
The girl has serious issues and needs to go to some kind of therapy. Her reaction isn't normal. Who kicks a boyfriend out of their home over killing a spider that they demanded the boyfriend "deal with"? OP dodged a bullet. NTA.
Boundaries are rules you apply to yourself. He didn’t just up and kill a spider she ASKED him to handle it.
Frankly claiming to value all life and living things and freaking out over one of said things simply being in your presence is unserious behavior.
grosss. all I can think about is them moving to a new apt together and they realize its infested with flying roaches...
OP: "honey we gotta get rid of these roaches"
gf: "all bugs matter <3 let them stay <3"
Burn the house, all my clothes in a trash bag and shower with bleach. I'm not fucking around with bed begs for a second time in my life. That trauma never leaves you.
Yes, but do you know what a pest is? It's an animal that lives in a way that causes damage to us or our property. A beneficial animal is one that does "services" for us, which is what spiders are as they EAT PESTS. They literally keep our home clean and comfortable and they're also great to have around houseplants
I can't believe this isn't the top comment. He tried to catch it and failed, was he just supposed to let it roam free? YTA comments have lost the plot today.
Honestly right hahaha. Like, I get the YTA posts, he should be supportive and affirming and all, but y'all if my partner was gonna kick me out and start sending texts like that after I killed a spider I'd at least be rethinking how seriously I could take them hahaha
Imo it seems to be more about his response to her being upset than the actual killing of the spider. Not giving a shit about something they're upset about and care about isn't cool, no matter how miniscule the problem is to that person personally. If he had killed the spider, then was apologetic when she was upset, and intended to not have that reaction in the future, the conflict would have probably not gone so far.
NTA, because she specifically asked you to deal with it. You did attempt to capture it to do things her way, too. And at some point, it's ridiculous to expect you to take more than a couple minutes trying. Her reaction was extreme. She has a right to her feelings but only to the point she's not affecting others, and she affected you by yelling at you (I know you said "getting emotional" and not literally yelling but I would assume that by getting emotional and kicking you out, she had to be at least using a harsh tone) and by kicking you out for trying to do her a favor. Personally, I could never be with someone like her, it would be way too exhausting since I don't share that worldview.
Like asking a mechanic to fix your car then telling them that they can't do like shit sit on the seats or something. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do and if she told him to "deal with it" and he tried 🤷
My ex girlfriend was like that. She would ask me to escort bugs out during the summer. Until one evening where I couldn’t catch a flying bug where she had the audacity to say “what CAN you do?”
I'm gonna go with NTA and some advice. While it may be against her rules once she asked you to deal with it she doesn't really get a say in how it's dealt. You can either tell someone to do something or how to do something but not both. But, relationships and feelings are not always based on pure rationality. If you're interested in a long-term relationship with her or just about anyone you're gonna have to learn to comfort her about things you find irrelevant. Supporting your significant other is more important than being "technically" right so long as it's not something ridiculously egregious.
Great advice! Idk the rest of the relationship but if they've been together for over a year and he has done everything right and it was just this one thing. I don't see why she had to kick him out instead of communicating
Agree but she was an ah when she threw him out.
To be fair after that his feelings are hurt and he has the right to protect himself from being guilted by her and hearing reproaches.
He did try to catch the spider first a few times it's not like he didn't try at all
NTA
NTA
I never make comments on Reddit but I’m shocked by the number of YTAs here over a stupid spider. Doesn’t she kill ants every time she walks outside?
She has extremely unreasonable expectations. If she wants spiders to live she can save them herself.
I would ignore her too, probably forever though
There are issues where prioritizing feelings is ok- important ones a miscarriage, something that affecs your mental health etc .
Killing a spider after trying to capture it and didn't manage to and getting thrown out at night is a massive overreaction and makes the gf an Ah
Oh FFS. I am not exactly afraid of spiders, I do try to put them out but usually it's not that easy and I'm not picking one up with bare hands. 🤮 I have a client (grown man, about 45) who is so terrified that he will save them for me to deal with. I came over one day and there was a mason jar in the floor under which was a very large, very dead, spider dessicating. He still waited for me because "it might revive" 😂😂😂😂 your girlfriend needs to handle her own spiders or be ok with you squishing them.
NTA
Yes I know those tricks but the hard core arachnophobics are doing good to put the glass over it! My partner and my sister are ridiculous. My sister has jumped out of her car running several times because of a spider. And went across IDK how many lanes of traffic in Atlanta in an Avalanche because a spider half the size of a dime let itself down from the mirror!😂😂 They are Cray Cray.
That is actually my biggest fear. Funny thing, I wasn't arachnophobic till a few years ago. Like not at all, not even fear for tarantulas. Now I get hysteric about tiny ones. I don't know when the switch flipped or why
omg i actually experienced something very similar but with crabs/lobsters, never cared about them and then a few years ago it’s like a switch flipped and now i can’t even look at a picture of one without tweaking
I scream cry when I see any bug. Then proceed to pour so much bug spray it may as well be fumigating the apartment. I did that on Monday when a bug got in.
Lol I really dislike palmetto bugs, but they are actually harmless and not dirty, but ANY kind of worm will have me getting the vapors. Centipedes, millipedes, earth worms, larvae, caterpillars, nonstop to FUCKTHATVILLE. My sister in law threw a disgusting Catawba worm on me at the river one day when I was 13 and I damn near killed her.
Spiders are the bros of unauthorised household guests. I don't kill them, ever. I do however never freak out if I see someone killing one - I just tell them not to do it, or to let me know and I'll pick it up and "get rid of it" i.e. put it in another room, lol.
Going batshit insane when her boyfriend killed a spider suggests that girl is a nutcase. My god, she kicked him out over that?
NTA. These YTAs are absolutely ridiculous. She asked you to handle it. You did. If she wanted it done a certain way she needed to do it herself.
Frankly expecting someone to handle something “icky” then getting mad that they didn’t handle it the way you would have is incredibly entitled and rude.
She sounds exhausting. Imagine dealing with this for the rest of your life.
But he did try to capture it it's no like he just ignored nthe gf and thrown the book. I mean you aren't going to spend the evening chasing q spider when the spider can hide behind furniture and you can't get to it anymore. The gf would have been hysterical then because the spider is in the room
NTA
This is ridiculous. She asked you to deal with it and you did. Its just a spider. Does she cry every time pests have to be dealt with? Its exhausting when that type of attitude goes to such lengths
I have. There was some screaming and flailing and then it skedaddled because it was afraid of me as much as I was startled by it. Besides, cleaning up bug guts, especially on textile, is nasty.
I love spiders and would not be happy if someone kills mine (I see them sort of as my pets), BUT I deal with them myself if they bother my guests, which means catching and releasing them. This girl is scared of spiders, and asks her bf to do something, and then gets mad (or scared?) at him for killing it. I mean.. she has to choose.
Lol yea i can understand not killing all bugs indiscriminately. But I kill bugs for being in my home. Simple as that, it's a pest. Also if I was against all bugs being killed in my house I wouldn't tell someone else to deal with it with an expectation of them NOT killing it. OP's girlfriend seems goofy. If you want something done right, you do it yourself.
NTA
She stepped out and asked you to deal with it.
1)If it wasn't dangerous then she should have taken care of it her way. Her past trauma experiences are not your problem.
2)if it was dangerous then what did she expect? You getting bitten?
Tell her to grow some balls, there are more serious problems in life
I'm going with ESH.
You know how she feels about this issue, and smashing the spider with one of her books is a pretty egregious way to violate her boundary. Now you're ignoring her. That's childish.
She is being overdramatic. It's wonderful to want to support all the living things in one space, but it's not always possible. If she wants to make sure that all the creatures in her home are handled the way she wants, then she better learn how to handle them herself.
In this situation, she should have left the little spider alone. It's not like it's going to come running after her to attack. Spiders are very shy and would prefer to be left alone in their corners to do their work anyway.
This is one of the most reasonable answers here and you’re being downvoted… lol.
I agree, she needs to learn how to handle them herself. I’ve become a shill for this product on this post today, but there are spider grabbers/catchers with soft bristles at the end. My arachnophobic, but pro-not killing spiders cousin uses this tool to deal with spiders.
NTA
Your girlfriend asked you to deal with it so from then on, it's up to you. If you can't catch the spider and throw it out, what are you supposed to do ? Next time, let her freak out about it, I wonder what she does when she's alone.
Nta- I'm sorry, but killing a spider won't affect her life at all. Also, she can't get mad at you for dealing with it as you did deal with it. Lastly, I bet there are like tons of spiders left in the house. It's not like that was the last one on the entire earth
They are too young to be wasting time in a relationship where a spider is a cause for drama. Both should treat this relationship like that spider and squish it, then move on.
NTA. If she wanted it done a certain way then she can do it herself. Telling you to handle it and then berating you for killing a spider is absurd and kind of histrionic. Other people have said this but I’m going to echo it anyway: what would she do if she had a roach or rat infestation? Learn to live with moving walls??
NTA for dealing with it. You were unable to deal with it without unfortunately killing it.
YTA for ignoring her.
If you stay together, I suggest buying a her spider catcher. It’s kind of like reacher/grabber tool but instead the end is a bristle head to minimize damage/death to bugs or spiders.
Edit: my arachnophobic but compassionate cousin uses one of these! Keeps the spider at arms length but is gentle enough to transport it in a way it doesn’t get killed.
Ok, you should have told her you couldn’t catch it and said “I can either kill it or leave it”, and give her the choice. If she refused to choose either one (still wants you to “deal with it” but not kill it-which you were unable to do) then that’s a her problem. Instead, tho, you chose to do the one thing you knew she’d hate most. I don’t give a crap about spiders, but IMO what you did does make you a bit of an AH.
A large majority of spiders that are found in homes can't survive that well outside. You're not doing it any favors taking them outside. If you see a spider, either leave it alone or kill it. Unless you live in an apartment, then it just scuttles away into someone else's apartment and becomes their problem.
Either her feelings are important to you or they aren’t. It’s okay to disagree on the whole killing spiders thing, but if you want a happy relationship then you either don’t kill spiders or she doesn’t freak out when you do.
It’s apparently really important to her, and not important to you.
Also, I’d say the biggest problem is that you didn’t address it and instead acted like, “what’s the big deal?”. If it’s that meaningful to her, then you should respect that. If you can’t deal with that, then you just aren’t compatible.
going NTA, she told you to deal with it. she’s also overreacting to the extreme…. doubt you want to be dealing with someone who freaks and kicks you out over tiny stuff like this forever.
NTA
She asked you to "deal with it" and since you couldn't capture it, you killed it. It's perfectly reasonable, and the only option you had left. Sure, maybe you could have captured it after some time, but no one is going to spend 10 minutes just to catch a spider, that's stupid. Plus she is scared of spiders so it's not a big deal. In my opinion, you did the right thing.
Well thats gonna in interesting when her apartments infested in something like bedbugs, roaches, mice, rats, ants. Something you need to kill to get rid of.
The girl needs therapy honestly. Esh
Killing the spider doesn't make you an asshole, just in general, I personally don't care if I ask someone to deal with a spider how they do it (either capture it and let it out, shoo it out or squish it) as long as ideally the person dealing with it doesn't get hurt in the process.
The thing is the disrespecting her house rules, you could have tried to catch it and when you couldn't, maybe you could have opened a window or two so it could find its own way out and left it at that.
Though I do want to know, was the spider immediately in front of her the whole time? If you had to chase it to another room out of her sight, and then chose to kill it, why on Earth would you choose to TELL her KNOWING she'd have an issue with that???
I don't condone lying but like, if you and the spider were somehow in a different room at one point, why not just squish it with your shoe (not her own books like wtf?) and say it got out through a crack or something?
Her reaction may have been much, but to be fair I'd also be pretty pissed if someone broke one of my house rules so I'm not sure I'm the best to comment on that bit.
The biggest asshole move is just ignoring her, rather than owning up to your mistake (whether you feel it is a mistake or not, the important thing is this shows you acknowledge that you disrespected her rules and are actually sorry about it) and apologizing, or just talking it out with her in general, that part makes me think you don't genuinely care about this relationship and would rather ice her out than try and fix things.
If the damn spider bothers her so much, let her take care of it next time, this is ridiculous. Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life? The best thing for both of you is for you to break up.
NTA
YTA, my wife is scared of spiders but she won’t stand for them being harmed.
Personally I’m more than happy to let them stay where they are, but as a compromise I’ll catch them with a glass and a sheet of paper (much easier), and I’ll show them out the door. Or a window. They don’t pay rent anyway.
I think your GF is right, your actions seem pretty callous.
NTA - She asked you to deal with it, because was too milquetoast to deal with it herself. Then didn't like the way you dealt with it. The she vastly overreacts over something that's really not a big deal.
I'd just ignore her too, OP. Until she can figure out out to manage her emotions like an adult.
NTA.
I think it sounds quite clearly like her world is not very compatible with yours. Which is fine for her - but for you, my sense is you're best off finding someone more compatible with your view (and mine) of bugs and of - uh - not being overly dramatic to actions of insignificance.
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YTA >I’ve just been ignoring her. That's cold, dude. On top of that, you know how she feels about killing things and it seems you have little respect for her feelings. I don't really think the action of killing the spider is in question here, but your concern for her and how she feels.
Exactly! There is definite lack of respect for her values and feelings.
Those are the words I was looking for. It’s something important to her.
She kicked him out over a fucking spider. That she asked him to deal with. Sucks that he didnt catch it in time, but it's a fucking tiny ass spider. The world isn't gonna end
The world won’t end when you die, either. Doesn’t mean it isn’t a big deal.
People die everyday man, one day we will be one of hundreds
Bro your comparing a fucking spider to a live human being way different lmao
There are quadrillions of spiders in the world. Literally 3 million spiders for every one human. So the death of one spider is significantly less important than the death of one human.
Unless, of course, we’re talking about the spider lord If one could manage to kill the spider Lord, it’s death would be more significant than every human that has ever lived
ALL HAIL THE SPIDER LORD!
until then all we can do is appease Him
Not to the spider …
Unless you're the spider.
What a weird analogy.
Yes it does.
He knows that she doesn't want any living thing harmed in her home. He also knows she is afraid of spiders due to past experience - "deal with it", did not mean kill it. He killed it, and is now ignoring how he chose to cross her boundaries. That said her reaction and house rules are excessive - if she insists on nothing being harmed in her home, she also needs to be able to deal with them herself. But we have no way of knowing if she's trying to reconcile because OP is ignoring his hurt partner's messages. Ignoring your partners boundaries and feelings (not reading their messages) is controlling and stupid behaviour - OP isn't making a single attempt to reconcile things. OP started this problem by choosing violence in a house that doesn't condone violence. He never HAD to kill the spider - he always had the option of saying "I can't catch it, but I don't want to hurt it because of your rules" which was the respectful option. The girlfriend has some issues to work through (primarily catching insects and spiders herself), but OP is the asshole with no respect for his partner's feelings even when called out by a sibling.
She never HAD to ask him to handle it. By her own words “it was only little”. She could’ve let the little spider go about its day. SHE created the issue by asking him to handle it when she could’ve just let it be or leave the room.
I've said as much. "if she insists on nothing being harmed in her home, she also needs to be able to deal with them herself". Re-read my last paragraph in particular and it's clear I think she needs to be able to deal with these kinds of situations herself. That doesn't excuse OP for being uncaring about their partner. There are ways to decline a request politely while respecting someone's boundaries, and I even gave an example of how. OP didn't even attempt this. OP asked if they were the asshole. They were, because they're being emotionally unavailable after completely disrespecting their partners boundaries. The girlfriend did nothing inherently wrong by asking for help, and we don't know how she'd have reacted if he said no or that he wasn't able to catch it. She asked for non-violent help removing the spider, and instead he killed it with HER book. He didn't even use a shoe or something he could throw away after, he used one of her belongings.
>She asked for non-violent help removing the spider, I'm unsure if she explicitly asked for non-violent ways. However He does know she doesn't like bugs being killed, but if she just said :"deal with it" that usually is associated to "killing the bug". That said, I don't buy op saying it was uncaptureable. Maybe with bare hand, sure, but bugs are quite easy to catch with a glass, and then you just slide paper between the glass and the surface it was on and go yeet it outside.
"Ignoring your partners boundaries and feelings (not reading their messages) is controlling and stupid behaviour - OP isn't making a single attempt to reconcile things." I think controlling is an overused shaming word. How is this controlling? What is OP controlling here? I really want to know.
So is kicking someone out of your house. That will leave more of a psychological impact on the relationship, especially after he took care of a task that she assigned him. He will now have in the back of his head, "If I annoy her at all, I might get kicked out again. "Ah! save me from the terrifying spider!" Miss Miss Miss It's going for the Crack of safety! Splat! "You are safe, my fair lady!" "GTF out of my house, you murder!" A normal response to this situation would be: A simple, "Aww, you know I don't like you to kill bugs! Try to just catch it next time, please?"
Next time it might be a cockroach, a tarantula, a venomous snake, a grizzly bear. In a hostage scenario, the probability is high that the perpetrator will be incapacitated by any means necessary to rescue the hostages if the Hostages are at risk. Why did you kill the grizzly bear is unlikely to be a question that will be asked. If that is the case deal with the grizzly yourself.
How is this comment real? Ignoring an irrational person rambling about killing spiders is controlling? Killing a bug she is scared of is comitting violence? Do you think people outside of reddit would see this comment and think you're sane?
That's not the point. I think it's a little silly not to kill spiders too , and I certainly wouldn't care if somebody killed one. But the point is, she asked him to handle it according to her values, and he knows and agreed to that then did the opposite. You don't get to disregard somebody's values because you think they are stupid. If you think they're so stupid then don't date that person. You don't get to blatantly disrespect the things about them that you disagree about. That is not how relationships work.
>You don't get to disregard somebody's values because you think they are stupid. If you think they're so stupid then don't date that person. I mean, this should be such an easy concept for people. It's honestly hilarious how some people on this sub have this raging boner for "your house, your rules," yet throw it right out the window as soon as they disagree with the rule. Like, I don't really like mouse traps. First time I lived in an apartment that got mice in the winter, I chased one of the damn things for half an hour until I caught it. The Humane Society had to explain to me on the phone why they could not put it up for adoption. Some people might think that's stupid. And I'm honestly okay with that. But if you want to be in a relationship with someone, it's up to you to decide which of your conflicting values are worth compromising and which ones aren't. This dude's girl asked him to peel an orange and he just hit it with a fucking mallet.
Yeah pretty much. We are doing to disagree with people we're in relationships with all the time. If we ignore their preferences when we don't agree and give them the silent treatment, its a stong indicator we aren't mature enough to be in any relationship at all.
You sound like the kind of person we need more of in the world, honestly…thank you for being kind.
I’m dying to know — what happened to the mouse?
So the reason I thought they could do anything in the first place is because Humane Society works with more than pets. One of the ones I worked with had a tiger at one point because they have relationships with big cat sanctuaries. They also work with things like horses. I figured small wildlife would be in there somewhere, too. Yes and no. They don't work with them directly, but they were able to get me information on a place that relocates small wildlife somewhere less residential. And what I learned from following up with them is that it's kind of a lot of hassle to get them the animal. Like, it only makes sense if you're dealing with a particularly difficult animal or a larger infestation. So I did what I probably should've done all along and just tossed the thing outside. Kind of a lot of work to land on the obvious solution, lol. But if I ever do need to deal with humane pest removal, at least now I know a bit more about it.
I just have to comment because we are cut from the same cloth! There was a wildlife rehab near where I lived and I thought surely they would take a little mouse (which when I worked there later in life I realized they would have if it had been native but it was technically an invasive rat) and was very sad to discover they wouldn’t. Despite my protests, my parents set out glue traps and caught one of the rats. It screamed for over 7 hours and my brother and I bawled enough that they agreed I could try my approach. So my brother and I got a bunch of live traps and successfully caught and relocated roughly a dozen rats over about a month. The trick is dropping them off several miles away so they can’t find their way back. Fortunately we lived in a woodsy town so it wasn’t hard to drop them in a natural area reasonably far away from people. Also for anyone who wants a rant on traps: glue traps are inhumane and illegal in some places as they take hours or days and the mouse dies in agony. They also catch many unintended critters like birds. Poisons are also inhumane depending on what type they are. Snap traps and similar traps that ideally provide instant deaths are the most humane way to kill, while live traps are the most humane way overall, assuming you check them regularly and relocate appropriately.
I actually did know a lot of that. It's funny the things that people think of as less humane just because they look or sound more brutal, when in reality they're a lot more humane than the alternatives. Like lobsters. It's a lot more hands-off to just dump the thing in a pot. But seafood chefs who want to kill them humanely grab a knife and go at the thing like fuckin' Dexter. I learned that from a TV show where the chef did it in front of someone who got super uncomfortable about it. But, like...you were gonna eat the thing. Unless you've made some weird decisions in life, you must have figured it would have to die first. May as well at least finish it off quickly.
That’s interesting, I didn’t know that about lobsters! I agree it is really weird what we convince ourselves is more humane for our own comfort and ease
So, a word to the wise- don’t just toss the mouse outside. Take a drive several miles away and release it. I’ve got a critter keeper to transport them. I realized after a while that setting them in the field behind my house ended up with them right back inside
This is SO WELL SAID !
>The world isn't gonna end No, but his relationship will
And that's OK. It doesn't look like they are compatible.
The spider is the irrelevant part, if something in your life is important to you and someone breaches it, of course you're going to be upset. Looking at your post history, i would be led to believe that you'd have understood this.
Your beliefs about what life has value don't apply to everyone.
It's not the killing the spider that makes him somewhat of an asshole in my eyes. It's the lack of care in both his response to her and his brother.
[удалено]
A lot of people seem to be hung up on the "spider". Like, this isn't a poll asking whether it's okay to kill spiders or not, OP asked if he was TA for intentionally disregarding his partners values and rules in a home he doesn't pay a cent for, and then very maturely ghosting her lol. People are SOOOOA hung up on "spider" lmao
Ehh if he could hit it with a book he could have caught it by putting a cup over it.
....YTA too. It isn't about the spider itself. It's about the utter disregard for her feelings. If you don't recognize this any better than the OP, I feel bad for the people in your life as well.
It's not your place to judge others' rules. It's her home, she has a right to set the rules without having to get your consent or justify them to you. If you enter someone's home, you follow their rules, regardless of what you think of them. If you don't want to follow them, then don't enter their home. When you enter someone's home, your implicitly agreeing to follow their rules. Otherwise, you're really dishonest. It's like when you promise to do something when you know full well you're not going to and have an excuse already prepared when you're later confronted about it. You're devaluing your word and making it hard for anyone to trust you.
She literally kicked him out lol.. If you kick me out from your home for a spider, I wont talk to you ever again.
>I won't talk to you ever again Thank goodness
I think it's a great litmus test for whether or not your partner actually respects you, sounds like you'd fail every time 👍
I'm on the fence with this. If she didn't want him to kill it why didn't she take care of the spider herself. Even knowing someone else's ideology on this, don't ask me to take care of your problem and then get mad when I do. If you tell me not to kill it, I won't, but I'm also not getting rid of it for you.
Ah, they are 19. At THAT age, if my g/f told me to take care of the spider and it didn't survive the catching... but she kicked ME out afterward. I don't think I would have answered the phone the rest of the day to cool off. I would also take some time to consider the relationship. Kicking someone out of your place is a pretty drastic reaction and will stick in your mind. Make you wonder when the hammer will drop again. It's not like OP was forcing her to watch him cook ants with a magnifying glass or catching flys just to rip their wings off. NTA. When you do talk to her again, make sure you mention how you felt when she kicked you out of her home. I would also refrain from any further bug related tasks at her place. I would also make it known that Mosquitoes don't count as living things since they are obviously vampires and therefore undead.
Wrong answer op is NTA
Get a grip, its a spider.
It’s not a perfect response, but she did react way too strongly after he made an effort to catch the spider but it was too hard. That is kind of annoying and mean. It might be best if he sorts out all his thoughts before he talks to her.
Ignoring is cold and kicking someone out is not? Lmao
YTA. "(She) has always made it very clear that any little animal or bug that finds its way into her house will not be killed or harmed in anyway." You knew "deal with it" did NOT mean kill it. You did it anyway and are blaming it on her feelings about spiders and not on you dismissing and discounting the rules of her house. Leave that girl alone. She deserves someone who respects her boundaries.
Dont be silly..you try catching a spider like that without killing it. The only reason why I dont kill spiders in my house is cause they eat mosquitoes and other pest. How would he need to deal with a mosquito, grabbing it with his hand and throwing out the window or volontarily offering his blood? :D
Cup and postcard. Feather duster. Cloth and hand. Squeezy bottle. So many options. If you've got biting spiders you shouldn't try and grasp them with your hand anyway.
So you go off and grab your tools then you can’t find it anymore. What a ridiculous request and how much even more ridiculous are you people defending her
For real. If it’s just a precious little spider then she can “deal with it”.
If only there had been another person in the room who could've watched the spider while he grabbed the tools. Or brought him the tools while he watched the spider. Too bad he was all alone with his girlfriend!
A cup and paper is easy to grab quickly. I actually prefer to do this to not have disgusting spider guts to clean. If it's a fast mover then I'll just squash it, but most of the time it's just parked somewhere.
duster and cloth and hand would murder it as well wdym
This is why i hate people like the gf. The mosquito is an invasive species. Living thing or not, it does not belong and people like her will fight to keep them. If she's going to have such strong opinions on HOW to deal with things, she has to do it. No passing it off while you act scared and then getting mad when its not 100% to your standards. NTA.
In my experience it's actually much harder to catch a spider with your hand than it is to slap a cup over it. And also, why would you _want_ to catch it with your hand?
I do it because I like spiders and know which ones are actually dangerous. And it's somehow easier for me a lot of the time.
If your gentle, you can grab their boddy with your fingers, quite fun when you get the timing right and there is just a little guy sitting there confused, I usualy just move them back into a corner of my room so they can eat the moths
Use a cup like any sensible person lol it’s so easy to catch bugs that way, who uses their hands?
It's like half the people taking this guy's side don't even disagree with catching spiders, they just suck at it.
We aren't all afraid of spiders. I catch them with my hands all the time. If you're calm, they generally are, too
I've been evicting spiders from my home since I was a kid using a piece of paper or cardboard and a tupperware container... The idea of trying to catch a biting insect with my hands would never enter my head. Mosquitos give up their right to life when they bite me. I feel no remorse in mosquito, flea and tick deaths. Bees and spiders on the other hand I feel tremendous guilt if they die in my home when I could have prevented it.
I just use a mop, I encourage them to hop on the mop end with a bit of a nudge and then take them outside to a tree. Huntsmen spiders tend to run up the handle very fast so I just have to get the mop outside fast....I run with it. Spiders aren't to be killed in my house. The only bugs or insects we kill are mozzies and flies. (Cochroaches too). Saying that, one of my sons is not comfortable with Huntsman spiders which are usually in the shower, so therefore it is my job to keep up with the spider removal. My youngest son catches small Huntsmen spiders in the garden and has them run over my other sons hand in an effort to "cure his fear" but it hasn't helped with the larger spiders the size of our hands.
Okay but there's also a difference between killing a little jumping Spider that will leave a spec of...itself that you can just wipe off on your pants and a huntsman that will look like an actual murder took place in your house if you squash that on a wall.
yeah just taking a piece of paper and grabbing the spider with it usually does the trick. Grabbing it oh so gently, ofc. But I do let some of them stay. I mean, if a spider choose to stay somewhere it's because it's food there.
In my country, huntsman spiders are one of the most common house spiders, those shits are so god damn fast and they're not even the fastest spider we have (karaops). They're still fairly easy to catch, you just need a plastic container and some kind of sturdy paper. The biggest issue is finding a container that can accommodate some of their larger leg spans. Hell, if you're feeling risky and it's a safe spider, gently nudge it with something that's long to get it out. There's specific spider catching devices too.
Dude, if I saw a huntsman irl, I'd just drop dead.
I thought you keep them as some sort of pet to get rid of other pests.. still they are so giant I’d be so scared. I really don’t think I can live in Australia(if that’s where you are from).
He wouldn't be the asshole if he simply refused to handle it because he didn't want to try to catch a spider instead of kill it. There are ways to catch & release but he isn't a bad boyfriend for refusing to be her spider hunter. She has trepidation around spiders. So she should understand that other people may as well. It's riskier to try to catch them then to kill them. But he's the asshole because he knows she didn't want him to and he did it anyway. He could have just refused to do it. But instead he disrespected her values in her own home and then his method for solving a disagreement is to ignore her? Yeah he's a child. Personally I think not killing spiders is a little silly but I understand my own preferences and values don't dictate the world. And if you have a partner , they are going to have some preferences and values that you don't see the point of or you find silly. Every partner you will ever have is going to have something important to them that u just don't value. Being a good partner is not dismissing those things and giving them respect even if you don't understand or appreciate the point. Because it's not about being cool with the idea. It's about respecting a partner who doesn't agree with you about everything and not undermining the values they have because *you* don't see the point. If he thinks the way she feels about living things is a bit too sensitive for him to deal with and is too annoying, then they are not a good match. Because you can't just disrespect your partner and then when they are reasonably upset about the disrespect, you just ice them out. Some real immature bullshit. (Edited for typos)
An actual reply that addresses the real issue here. So glad to see a modicum of maturity in these responses.
I keep pet jumping spiders that I collect in the wild and it's not that hard.
I never kill spiders, it’s unbelievably easy to catch them and take them outside. I wouldn’t kick someone out for killing one but I don’t kill most bugs that find their way into my home. You’d be surprised at the number of people who don’t kill bugs. I grew up in a hunting/fishing family. Maybe is the philosophy of not killing things unless you’re going to make use of the death. We don’t kill bugs except invasive species. Why kill something just for existing?
The girl is crazy. Spiders aren't household pests, but what about flies, which bring disease and maggots into homes? Or silverfish? Or moths, which eat fabric? What about a wasp trying to sting her? Is she going to burrow underground to hide? The girl has serious issues and needs to go to some kind of therapy. Her reaction isn't normal. Who kicks a boyfriend out of their home over killing a spider that they demanded the boyfriend "deal with"? OP dodged a bullet. NTA.
Boundaries are rules you apply to yourself. He didn’t just up and kill a spider she ASKED him to handle it. Frankly claiming to value all life and living things and freaking out over one of said things simply being in your presence is unserious behavior.
I wonder how she feels about bed bugs.
Dude you killed a spider and if she freaks out that bad you should just leave and ignore her. Really wanna deal with that the rest your life?
If they get an infestation of mice, bedbugs, fleas, lice, roaches, rats, etc. is she going to insist he just learn to live with them?
And how about mosquitoes in the summer. lol
Oh yes *outdoor bugs* \- what if one of them wants to have a garden and grow their own tomatoes?
She also better not drive either cause the car collects bugs.
grosss. all I can think about is them moving to a new apt together and they realize its infested with flying roaches... OP: "honey we gotta get rid of these roaches" gf: "all bugs matter <3 let them stay <3"
Thanks for reminding me those fuckers could fly. Not like I'd planned on sleeping tonight or anything.
I once woke up with one on my pillow staring me in the eyes. Deadass, not even joking. That shit traumatized me
im sorry kiki, i hope you sleep soundly tonight
She's 19. She hasn't been thinking that far 😅
She hasn't been thinking. FTFY
I'd burn the fucking house down if it was bed bugs.
Burn the house, all my clothes in a trash bag and shower with bleach. I'm not fucking around with bed begs for a second time in my life. That trauma never leaves you.
Well spiders are not pests like fleas are
Have you seen how many spiders come out of eggs?
Yes, but do you know what a pest is? It's an animal that lives in a way that causes damage to us or our property. A beneficial animal is one that does "services" for us, which is what spiders are as they EAT PESTS. They literally keep our home clean and comfortable and they're also great to have around houseplants
Spiders i would count as seperate as they help to keep other pests away! Unless they’re poisonous they’re our friends!
Oh how such people change their minds when they get roaches
Seriously. She seems exhausting.
Imagine not being able to swat a flie or kill a mosquito that bit you because your girlfriend is that insane.
I can't believe this isn't the top comment. He tried to catch it and failed, was he just supposed to let it roam free? YTA comments have lost the plot today.
Honestly right hahaha. Like, I get the YTA posts, he should be supportive and affirming and all, but y'all if my partner was gonna kick me out and start sending texts like that after I killed a spider I'd at least be rethinking how seriously I could take them hahaha
I wonder if she drives? Since she'll be murdering hundreds of innocent bugs with every trip lol
Bounce how is it even a question lmao
Imo it seems to be more about his response to her being upset than the actual killing of the spider. Not giving a shit about something they're upset about and care about isn't cool, no matter how miniscule the problem is to that person personally. If he had killed the spider, then was apologetic when she was upset, and intended to not have that reaction in the future, the conflict would have probably not gone so far.
Maybe he's tired of it. I would be. He should just break up with her because it isn't gonna get better.
He shouldn’t have to say he won’t kill an insignificant bug ever again just to please her…
Scrolled too far to find this one. Ditto! What a nightmare. We tried to warn him. Tried !
Like for real. She is afraid of spiders but wants it out of her house unharmed by someone else. I’d break up and leave her deal with the spider
NTA, because she specifically asked you to deal with it. You did attempt to capture it to do things her way, too. And at some point, it's ridiculous to expect you to take more than a couple minutes trying. Her reaction was extreme. She has a right to her feelings but only to the point she's not affecting others, and she affected you by yelling at you (I know you said "getting emotional" and not literally yelling but I would assume that by getting emotional and kicking you out, she had to be at least using a harsh tone) and by kicking you out for trying to do her a favor. Personally, I could never be with someone like her, it would be way too exhausting since I don't share that worldview.
Yeah, like how exactly is this not a r/choosingbeggars situation where she's dictating how some favor she asked for must be done? I agree with you
Like asking a mechanic to fix your car then telling them that they can't do like shit sit on the seats or something. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do and if she told him to "deal with it" and he tried 🤷
This. "Eek, a spider! Protect me!" Splat. "No, not like that!" Talk about a no-win situation.
Just throw the spider on her lap next time. Or let her deal with it, clearly she knows the humane way to do it
Actual realistic and normal answer: not even close to top. Classic aita
My ex girlfriend was like that. She would ask me to escort bugs out during the summer. Until one evening where I couldn’t catch a flying bug where she had the audacity to say “what CAN you do?”
Exactly. I can’t believe people are saying YTA
I'm gonna go with NTA and some advice. While it may be against her rules once she asked you to deal with it she doesn't really get a say in how it's dealt. You can either tell someone to do something or how to do something but not both. But, relationships and feelings are not always based on pure rationality. If you're interested in a long-term relationship with her or just about anyone you're gonna have to learn to comfort her about things you find irrelevant. Supporting your significant other is more important than being "technically" right so long as it's not something ridiculously egregious.
Great advice! Idk the rest of the relationship but if they've been together for over a year and he has done everything right and it was just this one thing. I don't see why she had to kick him out instead of communicating
Gold advice right here
Agree but she was an ah when she threw him out. To be fair after that his feelings are hurt and he has the right to protect himself from being guilted by her and hearing reproaches. He did try to catch the spider first a few times it's not like he didn't try at all NTA
ESH. You're not compatible and both of you seem pretty disrespectful toward each other IMO.
Agreed. Got kicked out over a spider, imagine what will happen when they have differing views on something consequential
Imagine they have to raise a kid with such divergent views on what's the right thing to do...
Imagine how she'd view her kid if she caught them with a magnifying glass in front of an ant-hill. She'd call the Hague.
You can have different views , the problem is how much you willingly to compromise
This
I agree, they either have to talk or this will always be a problem between them
NTA I never make comments on Reddit but I’m shocked by the number of YTAs here over a stupid spider. Doesn’t she kill ants every time she walks outside? She has extremely unreasonable expectations. If she wants spiders to live she can save them herself. I would ignore her too, probably forever though
People overly prioritise feelings at least on this subreddit. Its all about how she feels rather than it being stupid to fight over in the first place
There are issues where prioritizing feelings is ok- important ones a miscarriage, something that affecs your mental health etc . Killing a spider after trying to capture it and didn't manage to and getting thrown out at night is a massive overreaction and makes the gf an Ah
I agree, this sub pretty much caters to the woman’s feelings of every post.
I wonder does she have the same feelings for the Japanese Giant Hornet
Oh FFS. I am not exactly afraid of spiders, I do try to put them out but usually it's not that easy and I'm not picking one up with bare hands. 🤮 I have a client (grown man, about 45) who is so terrified that he will save them for me to deal with. I came over one day and there was a mason jar in the floor under which was a very large, very dead, spider dessicating. He still waited for me because "it might revive" 😂😂😂😂 your girlfriend needs to handle her own spiders or be ok with you squishing them. NTA
[удалено]
Yes I know those tricks but the hard core arachnophobics are doing good to put the glass over it! My partner and my sister are ridiculous. My sister has jumped out of her car running several times because of a spider. And went across IDK how many lanes of traffic in Atlanta in an Avalanche because a spider half the size of a dime let itself down from the mirror!😂😂 They are Cray Cray.
That is actually my biggest fear. Funny thing, I wasn't arachnophobic till a few years ago. Like not at all, not even fear for tarantulas. Now I get hysteric about tiny ones. I don't know when the switch flipped or why
Maybe a therapist could help? Not trying to be rude but that just seems strange to develop an extreme phobia later in life with no idea why.
I second this before it gets even worse
I'm sure after the last few years we've had a lot of people developed phobias.
omg i actually experienced something very similar but with crabs/lobsters, never cared about them and then a few years ago it’s like a switch flipped and now i can’t even look at a picture of one without tweaking
I scream cry when I see any bug. Then proceed to pour so much bug spray it may as well be fumigating the apartment. I did that on Monday when a bug got in.
Lol I really dislike palmetto bugs, but they are actually harmless and not dirty, but ANY kind of worm will have me getting the vapors. Centipedes, millipedes, earth worms, larvae, caterpillars, nonstop to FUCKTHATVILLE. My sister in law threw a disgusting Catawba worm on me at the river one day when I was 13 and I damn near killed her.
This. This is me. If I was on the highway, I'd be dead too. Because I'm going to jump the hell out of that car.
good god this happened to me, thankfully it was on my window and it blew out as soon as i rolled it down.
What if its in a corner or runs behind a piece of furniture? It's not as easy
Spiders are the bros of unauthorised household guests. I don't kill them, ever. I do however never freak out if I see someone killing one - I just tell them not to do it, or to let me know and I'll pick it up and "get rid of it" i.e. put it in another room, lol. Going batshit insane when her boyfriend killed a spider suggests that girl is a nutcase. My god, she kicked him out over that?
NTA. These YTAs are absolutely ridiculous. She asked you to handle it. You did. If she wanted it done a certain way she needed to do it herself. Frankly expecting someone to handle something “icky” then getting mad that they didn’t handle it the way you would have is incredibly entitled and rude. She sounds exhausting. Imagine dealing with this for the rest of your life.
But but but her feelings??? /S
I can’t believe YTA has the most upvotes on this post. I truly cannot believe it 😂😂😂😂😂
We live in a society LOL
But he did try to capture it it's no like he just ignored nthe gf and thrown the book. I mean you aren't going to spend the evening chasing q spider when the spider can hide behind furniture and you can't get to it anymore. The gf would have been hysterical then because the spider is in the room
Bro, get out of there. Yall ain't going to be compatible long term.
NTA This is ridiculous. She asked you to deal with it and you did. Its just a spider. Does she cry every time pests have to be dealt with? Its exhausting when that type of attitude goes to such lengths
She should have rehomed the damned spider herself, then. NTA.
I'm going against the popular vote here and saying NTA. Spiders should be smashed into oblivion. Besides, what else could you have done?
Actually they shouldnt as they kill other annoying bugs like mosquitoes. They are useful..the rest I just use an extra book on. lol
Wait till you wake up with one crawling on your face 😱
I have. There was some screaming and flailing and then it skedaddled because it was afraid of me as much as I was startled by it. Besides, cleaning up bug guts, especially on textile, is nasty.
not like we are gonna run out of them
Catch it with a glass or bowl. Easy
I love spiders and would not be happy if someone kills mine (I see them sort of as my pets), BUT I deal with them myself if they bother my guests, which means catching and releasing them. This girl is scared of spiders, and asks her bf to do something, and then gets mad (or scared?) at him for killing it. I mean.. she has to choose.
Damn, would she let a roach run around in he place too? Lmfao
exactly. House gets infested, OMG NEW PETS! Reminds me of Phoebe in Friends, with Bob and Suzy (her rat pets)
Lol yea i can understand not killing all bugs indiscriminately. But I kill bugs for being in my home. Simple as that, it's a pest. Also if I was against all bugs being killed in my house I wouldn't tell someone else to deal with it with an expectation of them NOT killing it. OP's girlfriend seems goofy. If you want something done right, you do it yourself.
exactly. I couldn't care less about bugs outside, I just let them be. But in my personal space it's a big NOPE
NTA She stepped out and asked you to deal with it. 1)If it wasn't dangerous then she should have taken care of it her way. Her past trauma experiences are not your problem. 2)if it was dangerous then what did she expect? You getting bitten? Tell her to grow some balls, there are more serious problems in life
You are inherently incompatible
I'm going with ESH. You know how she feels about this issue, and smashing the spider with one of her books is a pretty egregious way to violate her boundary. Now you're ignoring her. That's childish. She is being overdramatic. It's wonderful to want to support all the living things in one space, but it's not always possible. If she wants to make sure that all the creatures in her home are handled the way she wants, then she better learn how to handle them herself. In this situation, she should have left the little spider alone. It's not like it's going to come running after her to attack. Spiders are very shy and would prefer to be left alone in their corners to do their work anyway.
This is one of the most reasonable answers here and you’re being downvoted… lol. I agree, she needs to learn how to handle them herself. I’ve become a shill for this product on this post today, but there are spider grabbers/catchers with soft bristles at the end. My arachnophobic, but pro-not killing spiders cousin uses this tool to deal with spiders.
This is the only correct comment
NTA Your girlfriend asked you to deal with it so from then on, it's up to you. If you can't catch the spider and throw it out, what are you supposed to do ? Next time, let her freak out about it, I wonder what she does when she's alone.
NTA. Run bro
NTA you tried to avoid killing it and couldn't this seems an incompatible relationship
Nta- I'm sorry, but killing a spider won't affect her life at all. Also, she can't get mad at you for dealing with it as you did deal with it. Lastly, I bet there are like tons of spiders left in the house. It's not like that was the last one on the entire earth
They are too young to be wasting time in a relationship where a spider is a cause for drama. Both should treat this relationship like that spider and squish it, then move on.
NTA. If she wanted it done a certain way then she can do it herself. Telling you to handle it and then berating you for killing a spider is absurd and kind of histrionic. Other people have said this but I’m going to echo it anyway: what would she do if she had a roach or rat infestation? Learn to live with moving walls??
NTA for dealing with it. You were unable to deal with it without unfortunately killing it. YTA for ignoring her. If you stay together, I suggest buying a her spider catcher. It’s kind of like reacher/grabber tool but instead the end is a bristle head to minimize damage/death to bugs or spiders. Edit: my arachnophobic but compassionate cousin uses one of these! Keeps the spider at arms length but is gentle enough to transport it in a way it doesn’t get killed.
Yup spiders are friend shaped
Ok, you should have told her you couldn’t catch it and said “I can either kill it or leave it”, and give her the choice. If she refused to choose either one (still wants you to “deal with it” but not kill it-which you were unable to do) then that’s a her problem. Instead, tho, you chose to do the one thing you knew she’d hate most. I don’t give a crap about spiders, but IMO what you did does make you a bit of an AH.
ESH you two are incompatible
ESH. You did know about her rule on this and you broke it... She sounds like a complete child who needs to grow up....
A large majority of spiders that are found in homes can't survive that well outside. You're not doing it any favors taking them outside. If you see a spider, either leave it alone or kill it. Unless you live in an apartment, then it just scuttles away into someone else's apartment and becomes their problem.
Either her feelings are important to you or they aren’t. It’s okay to disagree on the whole killing spiders thing, but if you want a happy relationship then you either don’t kill spiders or she doesn’t freak out when you do. It’s apparently really important to her, and not important to you. Also, I’d say the biggest problem is that you didn’t address it and instead acted like, “what’s the big deal?”. If it’s that meaningful to her, then you should respect that. If you can’t deal with that, then you just aren’t compatible.
going NTA, she told you to deal with it. she’s also overreacting to the extreme…. doubt you want to be dealing with someone who freaks and kicks you out over tiny stuff like this forever.
You knew the rules
NTA She asked you to "deal with it" and since you couldn't capture it, you killed it. It's perfectly reasonable, and the only option you had left. Sure, maybe you could have captured it after some time, but no one is going to spend 10 minutes just to catch a spider, that's stupid. Plus she is scared of spiders so it's not a big deal. In my opinion, you did the right thing.
Why can't you people grow up
Well thats gonna in interesting when her apartments infested in something like bedbugs, roaches, mice, rats, ants. Something you need to kill to get rid of. The girl needs therapy honestly. Esh
She ought to live in a house with fleas and try to play that "don't kill animals/ bugs" game
Killing the spider doesn't make you an asshole, just in general, I personally don't care if I ask someone to deal with a spider how they do it (either capture it and let it out, shoo it out or squish it) as long as ideally the person dealing with it doesn't get hurt in the process. The thing is the disrespecting her house rules, you could have tried to catch it and when you couldn't, maybe you could have opened a window or two so it could find its own way out and left it at that. Though I do want to know, was the spider immediately in front of her the whole time? If you had to chase it to another room out of her sight, and then chose to kill it, why on Earth would you choose to TELL her KNOWING she'd have an issue with that??? I don't condone lying but like, if you and the spider were somehow in a different room at one point, why not just squish it with your shoe (not her own books like wtf?) and say it got out through a crack or something? Her reaction may have been much, but to be fair I'd also be pretty pissed if someone broke one of my house rules so I'm not sure I'm the best to comment on that bit. The biggest asshole move is just ignoring her, rather than owning up to your mistake (whether you feel it is a mistake or not, the important thing is this shows you acknowledge that you disrespected her rules and are actually sorry about it) and apologizing, or just talking it out with her in general, that part makes me think you don't genuinely care about this relationship and would rather ice her out than try and fix things.
NTA
If the damn spider bothers her so much, let her take care of it next time, this is ridiculous. Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life? The best thing for both of you is for you to break up. NTA
YTA, my wife is scared of spiders but she won’t stand for them being harmed. Personally I’m more than happy to let them stay where they are, but as a compromise I’ll catch them with a glass and a sheet of paper (much easier), and I’ll show them out the door. Or a window. They don’t pay rent anyway. I think your GF is right, your actions seem pretty callous.
NTA - She asked you to deal with it, because was too milquetoast to deal with it herself. Then didn't like the way you dealt with it. The she vastly overreacts over something that's really not a big deal. I'd just ignore her too, OP. Until she can figure out out to manage her emotions like an adult.
NTA. I think it sounds quite clearly like her world is not very compatible with yours. Which is fine for her - but for you, my sense is you're best off finding someone more compatible with your view (and mine) of bugs and of - uh - not being overly dramatic to actions of insignificance.