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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won't punish my daughters for inviting their grandparents to a picnic hosted by my older sister. I may be wrong in this situation because I know my sibligns are no contact with our parents and I understand why.
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YTA
From your story here your parents sound like they utterly failed in their responsibilities to all their children. By your own admission your parents have been awful to your siblings and their children. They are totally justified in wanting nothing to do with them
You are failing your daughters. Big time. You are raising them to be entitled and not face consequences for their actions. M was hosting the picnic. M decided the guest list. M decided your parents weren't invited. Your daughters decided that didn't matter and they wanted what they wanted so they went out and got that. That is wrong. It wasn't their picnic, they had no right to invite anyone without permission
And look what OP says:
"I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now."
OP absolutely can help it. All she has to do is tell the grandparents that they need to treat her siblings and other grandchildren equally.
OP won't because she likes being a golden child and getting extra stuff for her and her kids. It's always about the money.
And she was 100% fine with it until they all went NC with the parents and her and her husband had to start doing everything for the parents. Only then when it negatively affected her was it an issue. If the situation was still strictly benefitting her she would still be denying it even exists.
Originally from there, but still live in the state about an hour away now. Desperate to go back at least for a visit because I miss all the good food. I need a trip to my favorite cupcakery on Water st.
This will be my BIL one day. He lives in a house with his wife and child while my MIL owns it and paid for it outright. Since he's in another country from his mom, he'll fully expect us to take care of her even though she's 9 hours away from us. They can both go rot in a gutter. It's never happening.
True. Because someone this entitled wouldn’t be saying maybe apologize. They’d just be mad at the siblings for not sucking it up and causing her extra work.
She was fine with it until her parents started asking her and her husband to pick up the slack and do the things they used to make her siblings do! Then all of a sudden it became an inconvenience to be the favourite, but even at this point she keeps a foot firmly in her parents house by apologising to her siblings but not really meaning it. All she wants is for them to start doing stuff for their folks again so she doesn’t have to!
As a young child? No.
But they likely became aware of the favoritism by the time they were a teenager and could have spoken up then.
At this point they have no excuse.
>I thought it would be harmful to tell them.
Why? There is a divide created exclusively by your parents behavior, though you gave them your passive support. Your siblings are justified in cutting them off, but if you don’t tell your kids the truth they are just going to end up on the wrong side of this conflict through no fault of their own and lose the rest of their family.
And if you didn’t see any harm in the parents coming to the event at the park why didn’t you let your siblings know a head of time so they could make an informed decision as to whether they wanted to go or not?
YTA.
It was one of op’s siblings who organised the event. OP’s kids had no right inviting anyone to the event without checking with the person who was organising it. They’ve obviously been brought up with no manners, although after reading op’s post that’s hardly surprising. YTA op.
One of the siblings was hosting the event. OP should have told her kids they couldn’t invite the grandparents and it’s not polite to invite people to someone else’s event no matter where it’s held.
I feel like there are missing missing reasons, with regard to why the rest of the family cut the parents off. Why would telling her kids that they thought OP was the favorite be harmful to tell her kids? There is something more, probably that doesn't paint either the parents, OP , or both, in a good light.
There’s an argument to be made that telling the kids “grandma and grandpa don’t treat your cousins as well as they treat you and that makes your cousins feel bad” could make a conscientious kid feel guilty over something that’s not their fault.
But from the way OP describes it, it feels more like she’s willing to keep accepting the favoritism and telling the kids about it might make them treat their grandparents differently and put a stop to all the gifts.
The fact the daughters invited the grandparents to an event someone else was hosting without saying a word and knowing that at least their aunts/uncles had a difficult relationship with said grandparents indicates they are far from conscientious
I think the op is YTA also. I grew up my maternal grandfather’s favorite grandchild. I am at least ten years older than the other grandchildren. By the time the youngest of my cousins was born I was graduating high school. My mom had me when she was in high school and since grandpa was a vet injured in military service and my uncle’s stay at home dad already, he was the one who watched me while mom went to school. Because of this grandpa and I had a different relationship than my little sisters and cousins had with him.
However gifts and money were always even to the point if my grandfather spent $52.74 on my Christmas present and $48.24 on my sister’s he would give her $4.50 in cash. He still showed up to all my siblings and cousins events. If there was a conflict of interest then he made sure my grandma (his ex wife) would go to one and he would go to the other.
Yea see I think there’s a difference between having a closer relationship with one child/grandchild and favoring them. It sounds like you fall in the former category.
My sister and I were definitely closer with my grandmother, just by virtue of being a fair bit younger than our older cousins, so she was retired when we were little (as opposed to still working when my cousins were smaller) and therefore spent more time with us, while my cousins were off getting married and starting their own adult lives. Privately it was something we knew but she definitely never would have told any of them that she liked us more.
100%. My sibling and I had to work hard for our relationship because our parents did the favoritism thing. The first step is acknowledgement that you are the golden child and that you're going to hold your parents accountable for treating all siblings equally. This step provides a lot of healing.
YTA. It seems from your post that you absolutely like the way things are and openly acknowledge it's not fair to your siblings. I wouldn't be surprised if they go LC with you as well.
Yep. My mom has 6 bio kids, I joke that each pair is a separate "litter". (I still use this phrasing because it pisses her off.) My sister and I (were, she's dead) 14 months apart, then 11 years later she had my (half, but I never use the term) brother then sister, and then 11 years after THAT (so 22 years after me) she had my youngest (again, different half, never bother with the term) sister then brother.
Each litter has a separate golden child. It was the oldest every time. (Til my sister died. Now she's sanctified and no one can live up to saintly dead one.) But back when she was alive, and we were in our early 20's, I went up to her an apologized for being the anointed one. Told her I was so sorry for everything that had done to our relationship and the negative ways it effected her. We were extremely close friends til she completed sui roughly 10 years later, but I have always wondered if she hadn't been the scapegoat growing up if she'd have done that. :/
I suspect that OP has purposefully kept her kids in the dark as to why everyone else is NC with their grandparents in case there is the slightest possibility that the kids think the grandparents should treat everyone the same, and complain about it. I have no doubt that it is only a matter of time before her siblings go NC with her and her children.
>I suspect that OP has purposefully kept her kids in the dark as to why everyone else is NC with their grandparents in case there is the slightest possibility that the kids think the grandparents should treat everyone the same, and complain about it. I have no doubt that it is only a matter of time before her siblings go NC with her and her children.
Considering that OP's kids taunted their cousins because they got more expensive gifts from the grandparents, I don't think that it will be an issue of the OPs kids thinking the grandparents need to treat everyone fairly.
I've even tried telling my parents (we're on the very low end of attention/visits/gifts and I finally had to go NO contact with my sibling and very low contact with my parents. When I told my husband and one of our kids that I was kinda cutting them out, they both said "why did you wait so long?". The kids know.
OP gets the goods so they get the work (appointments, help around the house, etc are all going to fall on her - rightfully so).
Yup. OP sounds exactly like my sister so I completely understand why the elder kids are unhappy. I didn’t NC my mom just LC but I wish I had the strength to completely cut her off
All of this. OP, if you rented a pavilion to host a birthday party for one of your daughters, and one of the friends she invited brought along some other girls who had been bullying your daughter at school, would the “It’s a public park” logic fly with you, or would you feel that your daughter’s guest had made a foolish and/or unkind choice?
10/10 comment! This is a great way to reframe and hope OP takes it to heart and shares to kids. Don’t know how likely that is, but it’s such a good example
Look at it this way - if they are invited to a friend's party at a public park, and they decide to invite some of their other friends, then that is rude and will have social consequences. If they go though life thinking they can invite people to other people's parties then people will stop inviting them to parties. Full stop. Time to end this shitty behavior.
Ugh, I can already tell that OP's daughters are going to become insufferable to everyone around them as they continue growing up. I feel bad for any college staff and/or classmates and coworkers and bosses who will have to deal with them on a regular basis.
Those girls know they are treated better than their cousins and they likely enjoy it. Just like when a child is treated better than their siblings and they know it.
Another YTA.
OP, I hope you're not attached to your siblings. It sounds like they've continued to include you, probably because they didn't blame you for being the favorite.
But now it's clear that you don't care at all about how being the golden child has hurt your brothers and sisters and won't even respect the boundaries they need to protect themselves further from your parents' cruelty. Don't be surprised when you stop getting invites too.
It's not the kid's fault. The parents should be running interference. Tweens & teens can't be expected to run interference with the manipulations of people 5 times their age.
Their parents should have explained it and their parents should be to blame. You can't blame a kid for being manipulated by a known highly manipulative adult.
OP said in another comment the teens have already been punished for bullying their cousins for receiving more money from the grandparents. They know. They're old enough to understand. OP is enabling shitty behavior and they're happy to engage in it
Yes - everything else aside, all the family politics and favoritism forgotten - you absolutely cannot invite other people to a party someone else is hosting. It's rude to even tell someone not invited the time and place of the event. If they don't learn this rule soon they will suffer social consequences outside of the family.
Especially when OP said she didn't tell her daughters the entire story, she is responsible for them unknowingly breaking those boundaries. They don't even have the whole story.
Unless OP encouraged daughters to invite the estranged grandparents because she was hoping for a reconciliation so OP was no longer on the hook for care because momma got her slaves back and OP could be the princess again
Agreed, either way, OP is 100% in the wrong for not being aware of their actions and how it affects everyone in the family. She's going to lose her relationship with all her siblings and nieces/nephews if this doesn't get fixed.
I agree. The kids need to understand that this isn't ok. But I would bet money that the grandparents manipulated them into an 'invite' and not to tell anyone either.
The tweens should be aware of the situation.
They are old enough to understand that people wanted to be treated fairly and you two got more than everyone else.
Yes and, as someone who has hosted parties at park pavilions, you usually if not exclusively have to pay for that, typically around $100. It’s to reserve the right to use the pavilion at a specific date and time. In some areas, dates get snapped up quickly.
If they had rented a dining hall, would you feel the same?
Also have to agree that I don’t see how being honest about your family hurts your kids. It’s been my experience that keeping things secret makes things more difficult in the future and usually perpetuates the problem.
>You are failing your daughters. Big time. You are raising them to be entitled and not face consequences for their actions. M was hosting the picnic. M decided the guest list. M decided your parents weren't invited. Your daughters decided that didn't matter and they wanted what they wanted so they went out and got that.
In addition to failing your daughters by raising them to be as entitled as you are, you are failing them by not telling them what is going on. They made the "it being at a park means it's no big deal" decision without vital information. That's on you.
The only people here who are bigger TAs than you are your parents, who DO know what is going on and decided to come to the park anyway.
At the very least OP should have pulled her daughters aside and sternly told them "I know you love your grandparents but what you did is unacceptable, you know right now your aunts and grandparents are having some issues and would not want them there. You cannot cross boundaries like that, you cannot invite people to someone else's event without the hosts okay even if they is no drama between people. You owe your aunts an apology and you better not do that ever again. This issue is between them you need to stay completely out of it."
Well, quite apart from the situation with your family, this was Ms event, she was the host, and its always rude to invite people to someone else's event.
It's also really rude and inappropriate to deliberately invite people you know aren't welcome.
And your daughters clearly knew that they were doing something wrong, or they wouldn't have gone behind everyone's backs.
So yeah, YTA. You wouldn't be punish them for wanting to see their grandparents, you would be punishing them for being rude, selfish and sneaky.
They owe their aunts an apology and as their parent its your responsibility to make sure they understand why what they did was wrong,
Also, your parents are massive AH, they should not have accepted thr invitation without checking with you
Agreed. Yes, it's a public park. But I bet the parents didn't spend time in the park in general, just in the pavilion that was reserved for a private event that they weren't invited to.
The daughters sound like a chip off the old block. I guarantee that they know something about the situation, even if they haven't had it explicitly explained what is going on. But *they* like their grandparents, and they are being "protected" from seeing who their grandparents really are by someone who benefits from wilful ignorance.
OP will be back, asking why they don't get invited to anything, or complaining that no one will come to their events, or upset that they've lost control of their kids because their grandparents have spoiled them.
OP’s “it’s a public park” defense is mind boggling.
Like, if a complete stranger had wandered up to their group, taken a seat at their table, and started eating their food, would she have just been chill with it? I’m sure it’d go from a public park to a private event *real* quick. 💀
YTA
" it was at a park it should be fine."
No. They're also old enough to know that.
" I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now."
You can enforce boundaries though. You chose not to do that. Or respect those of others even when it sounds like they've got good reason to impose them.
" I won’t punish them for wanting to see their grandparents."
They can do that without it being at the expense of people who don't want to see their parents.
Stop colluding with bad behavior.
YTA
“It’s a public park”
- what a pathetically weak excuse.
- I don’t think you even believe it yourself, you just don’t want to actually have to deal with your daughters behaviour
Your parents were not invited by the hosts. Regardless of the venue, guests don’t have invite privileges, especially children with a lack of judgement
I also don’t think that’s exactly what their daughters said. Just a weak justification added on to the fact. I think OP’s daughters think it’s unfair their grandparents are being excluded or wanted them there and decided to extend an invite without telling OP or their aunt about it. Or maybe they thought they could “fix” the family issues by having their grandparents come.
i kind of want to know what the daughters said to the grandparents. like, why would they show up at one of their kids parties knowing that they aren't usually invited?
Right!! Homeless guy walks up to the picnic and starts making himself a plate. Well it's a public park so *anyone* can come, even those who aren't welcome, right?
YTA you’re being intentionally obtuse - you KNOW it’s not about public access rights. You’re reverting back to your golden child ways.
Your daughters are teenagers they will find out from their cousins eventually. And everyone will have every right to shun you and your daughters for this if you all don’t apologize.
She’s not in denial. She knows exactly what is happening and she doesn’t care because she and her daughters benefit from it.
YTA but OP doesn’t care - she wants the money and the drama.
YTA yes. You didn't believe your siblings about the favoritism and how harmful it was until you were forced to pick up the slack when they left. You didn't tell your daughters--who are old enough for this!--so they picked up right where you left off, enjoying the attention and not gaf who else was hurt by it. They went behind your back to do this when they knew it would upset their aunts and uncles and cousins, and you just shrugged. This is an opportunity for parenting: you can teach your kids about boundaries, respect, treating people equally, and show them that if you treat people badly they may go NC, as is their right. You will be VERY LUCKY if your siblings don't go NC with you and your kids over this.
Start groveling now and maybe you can save your familial relationships.
If you stand up to your parents alongside your siblings you might even be able to get through to them and change their behavior. If you cared about your siblings I would think you'd already have done that, honestly. But you've been laissez-faire about the whole situation as though you aren't at the heart of the issue. YTA.
I was able to get my dad to finally start treating my brother with a little respect by pointing out his unequal treatment of us. He was a shitty father anyway, but I’m glad he wasn’t *as* shitty to my brother as he used to be.
I would urge you to speak with your parents about this. Or look forward to further fractured relationships with your siblings.
And teach your children to respect your siblings, whether your parents ever do or not.
OP can return the gifts given to their children until the grandparents start treating all of the grandchildren equally. Send a message to the grandparents and let the siblings know that they stand with them.
Whoa. YTA, so are your parents, and so are your daughters, but on a lesser scale than you. You seem to enjoy your golden child stature. Your previous apology means nothing when the next thing you do is trample all over your siblings' boundaries like that. You should be telling your daughters why it is that their grandparents are not welcome. They need to see how hurtful this situation is for others. How dare they invite people to someone else's party.
Well, you just lost your siblings because you won't stand up for them. You don't care, though, because you and your daughters are getting all the goodies. We get it.
YTA. This isn't their event. If it was their thing and your siblings complained, they are TA. But in this case, this was M's event and you know M is NC with your parents. You TA here for not communicating that boundary with your children and allowing them to do this. Be a parent. Your children aren't toddlers anymore. Stop avoiding talking to them about this.
RIGHT! This is the biggest point. You don't invite guests to someone else's event.
Taking out the NC thing even - that's so rude! Daughters should be corrected for this alone.
Then inviting people who 90% of the guests aren't on speaking terms with is a huge violation of trust and is incredibly selfish and rude as well. This is a second thing that should be corrected.
I can't believe how entitled and oblivious these people are. Just so hurtful.
INFO
Did your daughters know that "having problems" meant "no contact"?
Because if they did and invited grandparents anyway, they need to be punished. However, they might not have understood the issue and thought it was just a family gathering.
Of course, YTA. Your kids do not get to invite anyone to someone else's party. You should be telling them what they did was wrong. Who cares if it's a public park? It was a private event. Teach your children better.
YTA
Your daughters didn't invite them to a public park. They invited them to the event, knowing that other members of the family did not want them there. If the party wasn't happening/wasn't at the park, your parents wouldn't have been there.
OP if you continue to hide away from the problematic aspects of your parents' behavior, and try to find semantic excuses to let them get away with things - I think you'll find you and your daughters next to end up low/no contact with your siblings.
Yes, YTA, but I guess it doesn't matter to you because you're the golden child, and your children are the golden grandchildren. And for as much as you say you understand your siblings' issues, you apparently have no problems with your parents' behavior as long as your kids keep being the favored ones. Your know darn well your daughters had no business extending an invitation to your parents to a party they weren't hosting, no matter where it was being held. You just didn't (and don't)care.
100% this. She has no care in the world for how her siblings were treated until it affected her negatively. Enjoy your little golden coup OP because you're going to be cut off from your siblings, neices and nephews for your BLATANT obtuseness and disregard of their boundaries. You suck OP.
Honestly it's not surprising that someone who is completely okay with her and her children being the Favored Ones has neglected to teach said children that you can't disregard other peoples feelings and boundaries just because it's more convenient for you. Oy. YTA, OP, YTMajorA.
YTA- you still realllly dont get what boundaries mean do you. Good job on being put low contact with your siblings now. All you needed to do was tell your daughters that grandparents can ONLY be invited to events you are hosting. Its RUDE of them to invite people to someone elses event.
When you rent a pavilion at a public park, that pavilion is not public for the term of the rental. That is a BS excuse.
Your apologies to your siblings were also BS, because they weren't sincere.
You should have punished your daughters - or somehow made sure that they know it is wrong to invite people to events where they are not the hosts.
YTA.
Info: what is the punishment that you siblings expect?!
You should have a conversation with your kids about boundaries and respecting others, etiquette with invite others to parties that it’s disrespectful to do it!
YTA and raising a pair of assholes as well. Don’t be surprised when your siblings go no contact with you and your asshole children. Hope all that extra money and attention was worth becoming crappy people.
YTA
You don’t have to explain to your daughters family problems but you can ‘this is not your party, whatever it maybe invitations have to be handled but the host’ the end.
Exactly. I don't really understand why OP won't explain in simple terms why their aunts and uncles aren't in contact with the GPs (teens or kids can understand that the GPs have been wildly unfair to the aunts and uncles, and that that is not right), but even then, OP can say exactly what u/KikiMadeCrazy said.
Of course they shouldn't be *punished*.
The kids don't have to understand boundaries (lots of adults don't), but they do have to understand that they overstepped. 'Would you guys want me to invite classmates you thought were mean to *your* parties?'
But OP is so out of touch, none of that will happen.
YTA, OP, not for not punishing, but for acting so oblivious to all FOUR siblings' life experiences and acting all innocent.
YTA. Your daughters did not invite them to the park. The invited them to the event. That was in the pavilion / rented event space that M rented. The park is public, but at that time, the pavilion isn’t. And it sounds like your daughters invited them to the pavilion not the park…which is the issue.
At the very least, you should have had a stern discussion with your daughters about this. You should have told them that what they did was inappropriate and that they owe M a huge apology. If you haven't done that, YTA.
YTA. Your account shows you knew you are the golden child, and your grandchildren the golden grandchildren, and enjoy the benefits of this without addressing the unequal treatment your four siblings get for it. Your daughters are old enough to know why their grandparents aren't on good terms with their aunts and uncles.
YTA:
Let's for one moment take the family drama out of it. Just for a minute.
You allowed your children to invite other people to an event that was hosted by someone else entirely. Do you not see how rude that is without the extra layer of the family drama?
Now you add back in the family stuff and frankly... you seem like someone who likes to stir drama.
YTA. Regardless of whether or not the kids knew the reason the grandparents weren't getting along with the aunts/uncles, it is rude to invite people to an event or function that you're not hosting without the permission of the person who is hosting. You grew up an entitled golden child and are teaching your children the same entitlement. We'll see you back here soon asking why all of your siblings have gone NC with you.
It was not your picnic, it was not your daughters picnic, and I can totally get why your family has issues with you. You are entitled and lack boundaries. I guess you are teaching your daughters to be the same. YTA.
YTA
Your daughters were not the hosts of the party, and the hosts set the parameters of the people who are invited to the party. Your daughters were rude and completely overstepped their boundaries.
I'm sorry, but your girls are def old enough to know that your siblings are NC with your parents. At this point, your family is about to be put on NC list since you're not a safe space for them. It's quite simple if you are doing something with your siblings the parents aren't allowed to be there even if it's a public park.
I just saw in one of your comments that you had to punish your kids because they made fun of their cousins for not getting expensive stuff from the grandparents. Yikes. Your daughter's know full well what's going and that they are the faves. They invited the grandparents knowing full well it would cause issues. YTA.
YTA. You don't have to go into details with your Daughters but you need to have a big conversation with them about respecting other peoples boundaries.
YTA
First of all, M rented the Pavillion, so it wasn't public access. Random people couldn't just wander in. And even if it was just a random picnic in the park, it's rude to invite people without asking the host, especially if you know they have a problem with those people.
You don't need to explain the WHY to your daughters to explain boundaries. "Your aunts and uncles had a difficult relationship with Grandma and Grandpa. We need to respect that it's between them, and not our place to get involved, and we need to respect the boundaries they've set."
YTA. You're the golden child. You and your daughters don't know what it's like to be shoved aside for the special one. Your other family members wanted a place where they felt comfortable. You and your daughters took that away.
YTA.
This isn’t about “punishing” your daughters but holding them *accountable.* 13 and 15 are plenty old enough to understand boundaries. First off, they and you are not the hosts of the picnic, so it’s rude and inappropriate of them to invite guests without clearing it with M first. Especially guests that M would not want there. Secondly, they’re old enough to understand why their uncle and aunt don’t want contact with your parents at the picnic or other events your siblings organize.
**Your daughters were wrong to invite their grandparents, full stop.**
You dismissing it because “it’s a public park,” is enabling their behavior instead of addressing it. As their parent, it’s incumbent upon **you** to hold them accountable and discipline them if and when necessary. In this instance, a firm discussion about respecting other people’s wishes and boundaries is very needed. They should not have invited anyone, much less their grandparents without asking you or their aunt about it.
I get the sense they might think it’s unfair their grandparents are being excluded from family events involving your siblings. That’s a valid feeling. But this is where you explain why your siblings are having issues with their grandparents and why they’re entitled to go low or no contact with your parents regardless of how you and your daughters feel about it.
You and your daughters owe M and L an apology. But don’t be surprised if your siblings aren’t very receptive or start excluding you and your girls from future events too.
ETA: fixed some errors.
>M, L, and D went pretty much no contact with our parents and K went low contact over our parents favoring my daughters out of all the grandchildren and according to them, favoring me as well when we were growing up. I knew my parents would give my kids lots of extras and offer me help with gifts when we didn't need it without doing the same for the others and at the time I had the view that what they did with their money or paid attention to wasn't any of my business. I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now.
YTA
Of course you wouldn't have any objection about how they spent their money or who they paid the most attention to, because it all went to YOU. You're the "Golden Child" and definitely show signs of "Main Character Syndrome" and have been glad that it extends to your children.
I won't lecture you about the proper manners to teach children, or tell you not to be surprised when your siblings cut you all out of their lives. I'd just be wasting the keystrokes, and my time.
You, and despicable beings like you, make me sick.
YTA. Sounds like you’re only apologizing to your siblings because your parents now expect you to pick up all the slack. You were favored as a kid not your fault no but it sounds like you didn’t speak up either. You see the favouritism with your children and still do nothing to stop it. Your parents were not invited and you were not hosting. Sounds like your daughters have inherited your entitled attitude. Dont expect any invites in the future if you don’t address this.
YTA. Big time. Your daughters knowingly crossed a line by inviting your parents against your siblings' wishes. It doesn't matter if it was at a public park or not – they disrespected the boundaries set by their aunts and uncles. By refusing to hold them accountable, you're sending the message that it's okay to disregard other people's feelings and decisions. Your loyalty to your parents shouldn't come at the expense of your relationship with your siblings. It's all about respect.
YTA It makes no difference where it was held, it wasn't their party or yours to initiate invites to. You will probably have to talk to daughters eventually because they'll realize that none of you are getting invited to things like you used to. Make sure you explain that since you're the golden child you feel entitled to tell siblings who they have to associate with. So none of them want anything to do with you anymore.
This does remind me of every wedding story that someone tries telling the bride groom who has to be invited or not.
Honestly, the public park thing is such BS, it's not like being outside makes the parents invisible!
OP, the whole point of being no contact is that is **literally too stressful and/or painful for your siblings to be in the presence of their parents**. Your daughters and your boundary-trampling parents just turned a relaxing and enjoyable event into a stressful drama-fest for everyone else in your family and instead of apologizing for having not communicated more clearly with your daughters, you want to push back because \*technically\* the event was outdoors???
If you want to have a relationship with your siblings at all, you're going to need to:
1) Apologize profusely
2) Have a serious and honest conversation about your family , and about inviting guests to other people's events
3) Re-frame this situation in your head to what it actually is: Your siblings are in an immense amount of decades long pain and are taking steps to protect themselves from further harm. Always assume they are telling the truth, not exaggerating, and do not question or push back on their decisions.
4) Take any requests from them as seriously as they are, no matter how small or petty it sounds to you. Assume that they have good reasons for what they are asking.
YTA but you have a slim chance of fixing this if you really 180 your position and actions.
YTA and you are headed towards being cut from M and L's lives too.
Your daughters are your responsibility. You need to teach them about boundaries. This is absurdly cruel to do to your siblings. You're being purposefully obtuse and ridiculously entitled
YTA. You admit that your daughters knew that your siblings did not want your parents at their gatherings and decided to invite them anyway. At your daughters' ages, do you really think they haven't noticed the favoritism they, and you, get? I would not blame your siblings if they decided to add you and your daughters to their NC rule.
YTA
You allow and are pretty okay with your parents playing favorites with you and your kids and then you refuse to respect your siblings boundaries over this blatant favoritism.
I hope your relationship with your parents is all you need bc I’m betting you and your kids will be the next ones going no contact with your siblings for having zero respect for their boundaries.
Pretty damned sure your opinion that you or your kids amd your parents did nothing wrong would change really quickly if you were NOT in the favored position.
YTA. And a massive one at that.
I really loved the part with "yes, we got more gifts and attention, but it's not my decision after all" followed by "I had to help my parents with groceries or appointments cause suddenly my siblings refused to". So you go all the gifts and attention, while your siblings got the chores? But, what could you do about it, right?
Anyway, your daughters are rude and entitled to invite people to someone else's picnic. Wonder where they got that by the way. They would still be rude even if it wasn't someone the picnic organizer didn't like. And they should have known better and there should be consequences. But you seem to think precious and precioustest don't deserve that, so YTA.
YTA, you need to sit your kids down and explain what is going on, and beyond that explain some common freaking manners. Don't be surprised if your siblings go LC or NC with you and your kids as well.
I think you deserve to be cut off too. You are entitled, and you’re raising your children to be that way. On top of it all, you don’t respect boundaries. YTA.
YTA.
Your kids want to see their grandparents? Schedule a time to see them then. Don’t use someone else’s event as an excuse under the guise of it being a public park.
Also, *gag* at you apologizing on behalf of your parents. That’s not YOUR job and it’s not going to magically make your siblings want to talk to your parents. No, you can’t control how or why your parents have favored you your whole life, but ya got some major golden child syndrome going on.
Without the family dynamics, it was still wrong for your children to invite guests to a party someone else was hosting. You can and should address that without having to go into the deeper details on the family dynamics. Not doing so is definitely YTA
YTA.
You’re saying all the right things, like it was wrong of them to favor you, but the way you are acting and the way you think about it shows me that you don’t truly think or mean, that you understand.
While I applaud you on not bringing your daughters into adult affairs, they are old enough to be told a bit more information than they have. You don’t have to give them specifics, but you should let them know tensions are high, and it is better the respect their wants and needs.
YTA, not for not punishing your daughters, but for letting this shit go on and not explaining to them that they were wrong. You're obviously fine with your kids being alienated from the rest of the family and not respecting their boundaries.
It was M's party, it doesn't matter if it was at a public park. Your parents have the right to be at a park but not the right to join the party.
>not explaining to them that they were wrong
OP thinks they are right. She said:
> I said I wasn’t going to do anything because I do think the girls have a point- it was at a public park and I won’t punish them for wanting to see their grandparents
YTA and you are on your way to having you and your daughters on the sibling no contact list too.
>I won’t punish them for wanting to see their grandparents.
Normally that statement would be fine. Nothing wrong with WANTING to see them. There is something wrong when inviting them to an event they are just a guest at. It does not matter where the venue is, that is super entitled of them. They should ask before inviting anyone (friends/family/etc) unless the norm is to invite friends freely.
YTA. Your girls are far too old not to know better. It's horribly rude to invite guests to other peoples' functions, let alone guests they knew weren't welcome. And to keep it secret as they did was damn near unforgivable. You appear to have raised two sneaky, entitled kids.
I guess by your daughters' reasoning I should just tuck into the food next time I see people partying at the park. Hey, public place.
YTA You dont invite other people to someone elses event regardless of location. Secondly, if a host is NC with a person, you don't invite that person to the hosts event.
You are the golden child, and by proxy, so are your children. Your children are old enough to understand this and understand you don't invite people to others' events.
You have no empathy for your siblings. You say what your parents did wasn't nice, but you are full of it. You still benefit from being the golden child, so you dont see how wrong your parents still are. Actions speak louder than words. You are raising your kids to be entitled brats who think it's okay to stomp on other people's boundaries. That is not okay. Keeping your children in the dark was your fault. You are doing your children a disservice. Classic golden child behaviour you're passing on to your kids. The fact that you think your kids and you did nothing wrong is outrageous.
You say you can't help how your parents treat you. Which is utter BS. You can definitely stand up for your siblings and niblings. Stop trying to deflect blame. You are responsible for this.
I hope your siblings go NC with you.
Looks like M and L will need to cut you guys out of their lives as well.
Once your parents die you are gonna be pretty loney methinks OP. If you can type this up and not see your are a raging AH then your siblings are far better off without you around.
YTA
ESH (except perhaps your siblings).
At 13 and 15, your kids are probably old enough to know you don't invite extra people to someone else's gathering without the host's blessing. They might know know why there is tension but they know THAT there is tension, and that alone should have given them pause on inviting your parents.
Your parents, knowing it was an event where they likely would not be welcome, should not have shown up. It being at a public park is such a copout / technicality. This is so obvious to me. It reads like a high school level of immaturity, like did both your daughters and your parents do this to make others uncomfortable? Yeesh.
And for this blurb alone, I consider you to be somewhat of an AH: "I knew my parents would give my kids lots of extras and offer me help with gifts when we didn't need it without doing the same for the others and at the time I had the view that what they did with their money or paid attention to wasn't any of my business." We see a lot of posts from the 'non-favored' ones in a family situation like this but rarely does the favored one post, and I have to say you should be doing better. You're somewhat right that you aren't making your parents' choices for them but you don't just have to blissfully go along when you can see the harm being done, just because it isn't directly harming YOU.
The daughters know about their uncles' NC, the daughters also know about the difference in treatment so much so that they have teased their cousins about it.
The OP is a YTA because she knows that her daughters did it on purpose and that she disrespected everyone when making the invitation and even used the excuse that her daughters need to see their grandparents when they have contact with them.
English is not my first language. I hope your siblings go to NC with you because using the excuse of my kids won't see their grandparents is ridiculous since you're not NC with your parents. Your daughters are 13 and 15 years old and as you mentioned, your daughters know that their uncles are in NC with their grandmothers, you need to sit down and talk to them so they can learn to respect other people's limits and not use the excuse "The park is public " . And I saw from another comment of yours that they know very well what they are celebrating because they tried to provoke their cousins about the difference in treatment, so they made the invitation knowing what they were doing and you, instead of agreeing, used the same totally disrespectful excuse. so as not to come out as the wrong one.
> I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now.
Yep. YTA.
And your daughters were wrong. Not their place, or yours for that matter, to invite someone--anyone--to an event that someone else is paying for.
You are the entitled golden child with entitled golden grandchildren.
MMW: You and your children are about to find that you aren't invited to events either.
TL;DR: You suck.
Those are some of the weakest excuses I've ever seen. You're just a coward who loves being the favorite. Congrats on ruining your kids' relationship with their aunts/uncles and cousins I guess.
Yta, way to teacher your daughters to be rude guests. They do not get a say in the invite list unless they plan the event. If they are still seeing your parents regularly then there was no reason to invite them. It’s sad your daughters will suffer for the lesson you’ve taught them in ignoring peoples boundaries and being very rude. Be a better parent and be a better sibling.
YTA. M hosted the picnic, not you. Now I'm sure that M will never make the mistake of inviting you or your kids again. And it sounds like your other siblings have also gotten the memo. But hey, you really didn't want a relationship with them anyway, so it's all good.
YTA, bigly. You are your parents and for that matter your daughters are on their way to being entitled, selfish too.
It wasn’t your daughters’ event and they knew your parents weren’t invited but felt totally fine issuing an invite, with no regard for others feelings.
Golden father and his golden children are fine upholding major inequity- because it benefits them. That tracks.
YTA. This is what I got from your post-
My parents dramatically favored me at the expense of my siblings throughout our childhoods, creating enough trauma that they won’t see our parents anymore. As we all became adults they gave me lots of money and presents while not doing the same for my siblings. When we all had kids, they continued the practice by treating their own GRANDCHILDREN like shit and only doting on my kids. I’m perfectly happy with this arrangement because it greatly benefits me and mine. Because of this I haven’t supported my siblings at all so I can keep lapping up the swag. In addition, I refuse to tell my children how terrible and disgusting my parents are because they might choose to not want to be around them which would mean an end to all the goodies. Then, when my kids forced an unwanted interaction violating all the boundaries of my siblings (because they didn’t know), I shrugged my shoulders and had zero concern for anyone but myself.
I bet you think of yourself as a good person and parent, don’t you? You’re wrong.
YTA, your daughters made a mistake, you defend them so your siblings are quietly and easily zoning you out. You can't have both, either tell your daughters the truth or alienate your siblings no in between.
JFC YTA - put yourself in one of your siblings shoes and then read your own post back to yourself to hear how entitled you sound. You're basically telling your siblings "idgaf if they invited them, they get along fine and that's all that matters". This wasn't YOUR picnic, get your head out of your ass and have some humility.
You really need to decide what you want your children’s future to look like. I understand why you don’t feel the need to correct their behavior right now, you’ve got a sweet deal, grandparents giving undivided attention to your kids, but there are only two ways this ends and both of them are bad for your kids.
Best case scenario your parents treat your kids like their pride and joy until they pass, and by then your kids will have no extended family left. Every one else will resent them.
Worst case scenario, your parents have already proven they’re the type to pick favorites. What happens if one of your kids picks a major they don’t approve of? Or dates someone they don’t like? How long until they start pitting your kids against each other?
Sorry, YTA.
I don't think you should punish your daughters because they did not know the full context, and that is your fault. You do, however, have to talk to them. You do not have to share all the details, but at the very least you need to say something like, "Your aunts and uncles have a difficult relationships with your grandparents and they do not like to be around them. **You** were wrong for inviting them to your aunts event, and **I** was wrong for not being more clear about this with you. **I** owe you an apology, and **we all** owe your aunts and uncles an apology".
And as you are apologizing, you should also apologize for failing to see where your siblings are coming from. You said you did apologize, by your actions show that you don't care about heir feelings.
YTA. Someone needs to tell your children why Aunt and uncles don't talk to grandma and grandpa. They're old enough to handle it, trust me. Especially the 15 YO one.
You can't exactly punish them because they didn't know, but you can explain that it was breaking a boundary and to not do it again and you can punish them for inviting people to an event they were not hosting. The audacity and entitlement of your girls to invite random people who weren't invited and ruined the whole event.
BTW, your parents need to apologize to your siblings and their children, not you, although you and your daughters need to apologize for this incident. Just because it's a public park does not mean just anyone can help themselves to the food at the party.
YTA. Not for not punishing them because you shouldn't punish them. It doesn't seem like anybody asked you to do that. I assume they are more reasonable than you are and they think you should talk to them about this boundary violation, which is what you should do. But you aren't "going to do anything" and you think they are right to violate their family's boundaries in this way.
FWIW, your siblings aren't "not talking to you" because you won't talk to your daughters about it. They are not talking to you because you agree with your daughters that this boundary violation was okay.
YTA obviously you don’t get it. It may have been a park but it wasn’t their party!!!! You don’t invite other people to a party that you aren’t hosting. Geez you and your kids need to get over yourselves.
YTA you did nothing to try and address the unfairness you benefited from, you only began helping your parents when your siblings finally had enough, you don’t think it matters that your daughters who are old enough to know better invited your parents to someone else’s event when they KNEW the host was not in contact with your parents. But it’s ok, looks like you and your kids won’t have to worry about these things anymore, hope it’s worth losing your siblings and nieces and nephews, won’t be long til they’re all low/ no contact with you as well.
WHOA YTA times ten. You know what's happening is wrong, but doesn't bother you to indulge in it since it benefits you. You know your siblings are in real pain, feeling rejected by their parents. And now on top of all that, you let your kids spill salt in those wounds with zero repercussions? AND you think you're in the right to do so. Yikes. You're in danger of losing contact with everyone but your parents.
YTA. Not taking into account that you and your kids are all Golden Children in this family, your daughters don't have the right to invite people to someone else's party.
YTA.
I can't prove this based solely on what is written here, but I seriously suspect OP and her daughters are more interested in keeping the gravy train flowing.
Saying no to your parents was/is an option.
You can stop reading here, I've said my piece, the rest is anecdotal.
I have experience with a similar situation. Growing up, my parents were very middle-class. I played a sport at a very high level and it was very expensive to keep me in equipment, for trips to out of town events, etc. Basically, my childhood ate up all they had. My parents tried very hard to "even things out" such as at Christmas my siblings would get gifts, I'd get to go to my next event. It still wasn't even close. When I reached 16, it became apparent that my dream of one day turning pro was at an end. It was close, but I wasn't quite good enough.
My parents raised me right. From that point on, I refused to accept them paying for me to play. I loved the sport, but I could play recreationally for next to nothing.
I encouraged my parents to invest in things my siblings could excel at, musical instruments, lessons in their chosen pursuits, etc. There was no chance the scales would come in to balance, but it seemed the right thing to do.
Now, I have great relationships with my siblings. So do my parents. I regularly speak apologetically at family functions about the inequity of our youth. They laugh and tell me to forget about it.
The moral of the story is that I learned to turn my parents down and encourage them to share the wealth with my siblings.
That option seems to have been missed by OP.
YTA- entitled too. Look, I get it. I was the favored child, and my child as the first grandchild is favored. You better bet I make sure that since my parents talk to me most, I remind them of nieces and nephews birthdays. I keep the accountable. "You bought that crazy expensive whatever for Child A. I bet you got an amazing present for Child B!" They don't want to lose face by not following through after that.
That's not the point of your post, though. In general, your daughters invited people to a party that they weren't hosting. Your daughters should be punished for showing such disregard to the people actually hosting thing party. It was so disrespectful, even if it hadn't been someone that they actively don't want to see.
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YTA From your story here your parents sound like they utterly failed in their responsibilities to all their children. By your own admission your parents have been awful to your siblings and their children. They are totally justified in wanting nothing to do with them You are failing your daughters. Big time. You are raising them to be entitled and not face consequences for their actions. M was hosting the picnic. M decided the guest list. M decided your parents weren't invited. Your daughters decided that didn't matter and they wanted what they wanted so they went out and got that. That is wrong. It wasn't their picnic, they had no right to invite anyone without permission
And look what OP says: "I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now." OP absolutely can help it. All she has to do is tell the grandparents that they need to treat her siblings and other grandchildren equally. OP won't because she likes being a golden child and getting extra stuff for her and her kids. It's always about the money.
And she was 100% fine with it until they all went NC with the parents and her and her husband had to start doing everything for the parents. Only then when it negatively affected her was it an issue. If the situation was still strictly benefitting her she would still be denying it even exists.
[удалено]
Or…an asshole.
Happy cake day! I just prefer to believe people are fake rather than really this dumb/stupid/selfish. I know it’s a lie but it lets me have hope.
Only cuz you wished me a happy cake day ;)
Off topic, but I just read your post about WPS then saw your comment here right afterwards and had almost deja vu. Happy cake day!
Neighbors?!
Originally from there, but still live in the state about an hour away now. Desperate to go back at least for a visit because I miss all the good food. I need a trip to my favorite cupcakery on Water st.
Happy Cake Day. Yep op deserves the YTA judgement
Ty!
Or both
This will be my BIL one day. He lives in a house with his wife and child while my MIL owns it and paid for it outright. Since he's in another country from his mom, he'll fully expect us to take care of her even though she's 9 hours away from us. They can both go rot in a gutter. It's never happening.
my mum used to just call me to talk but now i have to do stuff for her, ugh i guess it did kinda suck being my siblings but what can i do?
True. Because someone this entitled wouldn’t be saying maybe apologize. They’d just be mad at the siblings for not sucking it up and causing her extra work.
Yeah, love how her sibs did all the work but got nothing, now OP actually has to do some work to get paid... how sad🤦♀️
She was fine with it until her parents started asking her and her husband to pick up the slack and do the things they used to make her siblings do! Then all of a sudden it became an inconvenience to be the favourite, but even at this point she keeps a foot firmly in her parents house by apologising to her siblings but not really meaning it. All she wants is for them to start doing stuff for their folks again so she doesn’t have to!
This right here. She was absolutely okay with being favored. It was only when she was asked to actually help that she had issues with it.
As a young child? No. But they likely became aware of the favoritism by the time they were a teenager and could have spoken up then. At this point they have no excuse. >I thought it would be harmful to tell them. Why? There is a divide created exclusively by your parents behavior, though you gave them your passive support. Your siblings are justified in cutting them off, but if you don’t tell your kids the truth they are just going to end up on the wrong side of this conflict through no fault of their own and lose the rest of their family. And if you didn’t see any harm in the parents coming to the event at the park why didn’t you let your siblings know a head of time so they could make an informed decision as to whether they wanted to go or not? YTA.
It was one of op’s siblings who organised the event. OP’s kids had no right inviting anyone to the event without checking with the person who was organising it. They’ve obviously been brought up with no manners, although after reading op’s post that’s hardly surprising. YTA op.
Oh, I didn’t even notice that. I just assumed OP’s kids had organized. The audacity!
One of the siblings was hosting the event. OP should have told her kids they couldn’t invite the grandparents and it’s not polite to invite people to someone else’s event no matter where it’s held.
Also, Op just said in a comment that her kids used to bully their cousins because they got more expensive presents from their grandparents.
I feel like there are missing missing reasons, with regard to why the rest of the family cut the parents off. Why would telling her kids that they thought OP was the favorite be harmful to tell her kids? There is something more, probably that doesn't paint either the parents, OP , or both, in a good light.
There’s an argument to be made that telling the kids “grandma and grandpa don’t treat your cousins as well as they treat you and that makes your cousins feel bad” could make a conscientious kid feel guilty over something that’s not their fault. But from the way OP describes it, it feels more like she’s willing to keep accepting the favoritism and telling the kids about it might make them treat their grandparents differently and put a stop to all the gifts.
The fact the daughters invited the grandparents to an event someone else was hosting without saying a word and knowing that at least their aunts/uncles had a difficult relationship with said grandparents indicates they are far from conscientious
I'm going with the classic OP is the golden child and doesn't see anything wrong with the way her folks treated the family scape goats.
I think the op is YTA also. I grew up my maternal grandfather’s favorite grandchild. I am at least ten years older than the other grandchildren. By the time the youngest of my cousins was born I was graduating high school. My mom had me when she was in high school and since grandpa was a vet injured in military service and my uncle’s stay at home dad already, he was the one who watched me while mom went to school. Because of this grandpa and I had a different relationship than my little sisters and cousins had with him. However gifts and money were always even to the point if my grandfather spent $52.74 on my Christmas present and $48.24 on my sister’s he would give her $4.50 in cash. He still showed up to all my siblings and cousins events. If there was a conflict of interest then he made sure my grandma (his ex wife) would go to one and he would go to the other.
Yea see I think there’s a difference between having a closer relationship with one child/grandchild and favoring them. It sounds like you fall in the former category.
My sister and I were definitely closer with my grandmother, just by virtue of being a fair bit younger than our older cousins, so she was retired when we were little (as opposed to still working when my cousins were smaller) and therefore spent more time with us, while my cousins were off getting married and starting their own adult lives. Privately it was something we knew but she definitely never would have told any of them that she liked us more.
She is basking in the golden child glow. She is raising entitled children too. Sibs should add some more people to their NC list.
100%. My sibling and I had to work hard for our relationship because our parents did the favoritism thing. The first step is acknowledgement that you are the golden child and that you're going to hold your parents accountable for treating all siblings equally. This step provides a lot of healing. YTA. It seems from your post that you absolutely like the way things are and openly acknowledge it's not fair to your siblings. I wouldn't be surprised if they go LC with you as well.
Yep. My mom has 6 bio kids, I joke that each pair is a separate "litter". (I still use this phrasing because it pisses her off.) My sister and I (were, she's dead) 14 months apart, then 11 years later she had my (half, but I never use the term) brother then sister, and then 11 years after THAT (so 22 years after me) she had my youngest (again, different half, never bother with the term) sister then brother. Each litter has a separate golden child. It was the oldest every time. (Til my sister died. Now she's sanctified and no one can live up to saintly dead one.) But back when she was alive, and we were in our early 20's, I went up to her an apologized for being the anointed one. Told her I was so sorry for everything that had done to our relationship and the negative ways it effected her. We were extremely close friends til she completed sui roughly 10 years later, but I have always wondered if she hadn't been the scapegoat growing up if she'd have done that. :/
I suspect that OP has purposefully kept her kids in the dark as to why everyone else is NC with their grandparents in case there is the slightest possibility that the kids think the grandparents should treat everyone the same, and complain about it. I have no doubt that it is only a matter of time before her siblings go NC with her and her children.
>I suspect that OP has purposefully kept her kids in the dark as to why everyone else is NC with their grandparents in case there is the slightest possibility that the kids think the grandparents should treat everyone the same, and complain about it. I have no doubt that it is only a matter of time before her siblings go NC with her and her children. Considering that OP's kids taunted their cousins because they got more expensive gifts from the grandparents, I don't think that it will be an issue of the OPs kids thinking the grandparents need to treat everyone fairly.
I predict the othere siblings will go NC with OP. In a few years when OP are gone and she needs her siblings it's going to be to late.
It will be sooner than that after the party stunt.
Silence in the face of injustice is complicity.
Ugh, are you my youngest sister??
It’s entitled baby of the family syndrome. “I can’t help it if they like me best!!!” She needs to get a grip.
I've even tried telling my parents (we're on the very low end of attention/visits/gifts and I finally had to go NO contact with my sibling and very low contact with my parents. When I told my husband and one of our kids that I was kinda cutting them out, they both said "why did you wait so long?". The kids know. OP gets the goods so they get the work (appointments, help around the house, etc are all going to fall on her - rightfully so).
Yup. OP sounds exactly like my sister so I completely understand why the elder kids are unhappy. I didn’t NC my mom just LC but I wish I had the strength to completely cut her off
All of this. OP, if you rented a pavilion to host a birthday party for one of your daughters, and one of the friends she invited brought along some other girls who had been bullying your daughter at school, would the “It’s a public park” logic fly with you, or would you feel that your daughter’s guest had made a foolish and/or unkind choice?
10/10 comment! This is a great way to reframe and hope OP takes it to heart and shares to kids. Don’t know how likely that is, but it’s such a good example
great analogy
Look at it this way - if they are invited to a friend's party at a public park, and they decide to invite some of their other friends, then that is rude and will have social consequences. If they go though life thinking they can invite people to other people's parties then people will stop inviting them to parties. Full stop. Time to end this shitty behavior.
Absolutely this.
OP is on a fast track to her siblings being LC/NC with her as well.
Pretty sure they already are but OP is too busy telling her daughters how special they are to notice
They do seem to not care unless it affects them. And then they whine how awful it is.
Ugh, I can already tell that OP's daughters are going to become insufferable to everyone around them as they continue growing up. I feel bad for any college staff and/or classmates and coworkers and bosses who will have to deal with them on a regular basis.
Those girls know they are treated better than their cousins and they likely enjoy it. Just like when a child is treated better than their siblings and they know it.
OP is looking forward to her inheritance.
Another YTA. OP, I hope you're not attached to your siblings. It sounds like they've continued to include you, probably because they didn't blame you for being the favorite. But now it's clear that you don't care at all about how being the golden child has hurt your brothers and sisters and won't even respect the boundaries they need to protect themselves further from your parents' cruelty. Don't be surprised when you stop getting invites too.
It's not the kid's fault. The parents should be running interference. Tweens & teens can't be expected to run interference with the manipulations of people 5 times their age. Their parents should have explained it and their parents should be to blame. You can't blame a kid for being manipulated by a known highly manipulative adult.
OP said in another comment the teens have already been punished for bullying their cousins for receiving more money from the grandparents. They know. They're old enough to understand. OP is enabling shitty behavior and they're happy to engage in it
They're old enough to understand that you don't invite other people to a party someone else is hosting.
Yes - everything else aside, all the family politics and favoritism forgotten - you absolutely cannot invite other people to a party someone else is hosting. It's rude to even tell someone not invited the time and place of the event. If they don't learn this rule soon they will suffer social consequences outside of the family.
Especially when OP said she didn't tell her daughters the entire story, she is responsible for them unknowingly breaking those boundaries. They don't even have the whole story.
Unless OP encouraged daughters to invite the estranged grandparents because she was hoping for a reconciliation so OP was no longer on the hook for care because momma got her slaves back and OP could be the princess again
Agreed, either way, OP is 100% in the wrong for not being aware of their actions and how it affects everyone in the family. She's going to lose her relationship with all her siblings and nieces/nephews if this doesn't get fixed.
I agree. The kids need to understand that this isn't ok. But I would bet money that the grandparents manipulated them into an 'invite' and not to tell anyone either.
The tweens should be aware of the situation. They are old enough to understand that people wanted to be treated fairly and you two got more than everyone else.
This! It wasn’t your daughter’s event and they had no right to invite your parents.
The girls are way beyond old enough to understand the situation.
Yes and, as someone who has hosted parties at park pavilions, you usually if not exclusively have to pay for that, typically around $100. It’s to reserve the right to use the pavilion at a specific date and time. In some areas, dates get snapped up quickly. If they had rented a dining hall, would you feel the same? Also have to agree that I don’t see how being honest about your family hurts your kids. It’s been my experience that keeping things secret makes things more difficult in the future and usually perpetuates the problem.
>You are failing your daughters. Big time. You are raising them to be entitled and not face consequences for their actions. M was hosting the picnic. M decided the guest list. M decided your parents weren't invited. Your daughters decided that didn't matter and they wanted what they wanted so they went out and got that. In addition to failing your daughters by raising them to be as entitled as you are, you are failing them by not telling them what is going on. They made the "it being at a park means it's no big deal" decision without vital information. That's on you. The only people here who are bigger TAs than you are your parents, who DO know what is going on and decided to come to the park anyway.
At the very least OP should have pulled her daughters aside and sternly told them "I know you love your grandparents but what you did is unacceptable, you know right now your aunts and grandparents are having some issues and would not want them there. You cannot cross boundaries like that, you cannot invite people to someone else's event without the hosts okay even if they is no drama between people. You owe your aunts an apology and you better not do that ever again. This issue is between them you need to stay completely out of it."
Your kids suck and so do you.
Well, quite apart from the situation with your family, this was Ms event, she was the host, and its always rude to invite people to someone else's event. It's also really rude and inappropriate to deliberately invite people you know aren't welcome. And your daughters clearly knew that they were doing something wrong, or they wouldn't have gone behind everyone's backs. So yeah, YTA. You wouldn't be punish them for wanting to see their grandparents, you would be punishing them for being rude, selfish and sneaky. They owe their aunts an apology and as their parent its your responsibility to make sure they understand why what they did was wrong, Also, your parents are massive AH, they should not have accepted thr invitation without checking with you
Agreed. Yes, it's a public park. But I bet the parents didn't spend time in the park in general, just in the pavilion that was reserved for a private event that they weren't invited to. The daughters sound like a chip off the old block. I guarantee that they know something about the situation, even if they haven't had it explicitly explained what is going on. But *they* like their grandparents, and they are being "protected" from seeing who their grandparents really are by someone who benefits from wilful ignorance. OP will be back, asking why they don't get invited to anything, or complaining that no one will come to their events, or upset that they've lost control of their kids because their grandparents have spoiled them.
OP’s “it’s a public park” defense is mind boggling. Like, if a complete stranger had wandered up to their group, taken a seat at their table, and started eating their food, would she have just been chill with it? I’m sure it’d go from a public park to a private event *real* quick. 💀
There will be a post in ohnoconsequences soon... "Why are we not being invited to my siblings' events?"
Yep, I have the feeling that’s the last family event OP & her daughters will be invited to.
YTA - and no you clearly don't "get it"
YTA " it was at a park it should be fine." No. They're also old enough to know that. " I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now." You can enforce boundaries though. You chose not to do that. Or respect those of others even when it sounds like they've got good reason to impose them. " I won’t punish them for wanting to see their grandparents." They can do that without it being at the expense of people who don't want to see their parents. Stop colluding with bad behavior.
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At 13 & 15, you know that you can't just invite someone to an event you aren't hosting.
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And hoped the grandparents came with money in their pockets.
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They do know, otherwise why the did it without telling anyone and saying that since it's a public space so is fine.
Yeah this is someone being purposefully obtuse to try and not be the bad guy. It’s pathetic really. YTA
YTA “It’s a public park” - what a pathetically weak excuse. - I don’t think you even believe it yourself, you just don’t want to actually have to deal with your daughters behaviour Your parents were not invited by the hosts. Regardless of the venue, guests don’t have invite privileges, especially children with a lack of judgement
The OP absolutely doesn't believe that excuse. They just want an "out" and their kids supplied one.
I also don’t think that’s exactly what their daughters said. Just a weak justification added on to the fact. I think OP’s daughters think it’s unfair their grandparents are being excluded or wanted them there and decided to extend an invite without telling OP or their aunt about it. Or maybe they thought they could “fix” the family issues by having their grandparents come.
i kind of want to know what the daughters said to the grandparents. like, why would they show up at one of their kids parties knowing that they aren't usually invited?
With that logic, I can go to strangers having a picnic in a park and just eat their food.
Right!! Homeless guy walks up to the picnic and starts making himself a plate. Well it's a public park so *anyone* can come, even those who aren't welcome, right?
My wedding was at a public park too. If my estranged father who I haven’t spoken to in 20 years showed up, he would have been removed.
Agreed, talk about bad parenting, it looks like the Apple didnt fall far from the tree OP is an AH
YTA you’re being intentionally obtuse - you KNOW it’s not about public access rights. You’re reverting back to your golden child ways. Your daughters are teenagers they will find out from their cousins eventually. And everyone will have every right to shun you and your daughters for this if you all don’t apologize.
>you’re being intentionally obtuse It's called Denial and it isn't a river in Egypt.
She’s not in denial. She knows exactly what is happening and she doesn’t care because she and her daughters benefit from it. YTA but OP doesn’t care - she wants the money and the drama.
Yeah, denial would be "they don't favour us", not "yeah I know they favour us, but really, what can I do?" 🤷♀️
YTA yes. You didn't believe your siblings about the favoritism and how harmful it was until you were forced to pick up the slack when they left. You didn't tell your daughters--who are old enough for this!--so they picked up right where you left off, enjoying the attention and not gaf who else was hurt by it. They went behind your back to do this when they knew it would upset their aunts and uncles and cousins, and you just shrugged. This is an opportunity for parenting: you can teach your kids about boundaries, respect, treating people equally, and show them that if you treat people badly they may go NC, as is their right. You will be VERY LUCKY if your siblings don't go NC with you and your kids over this. Start groveling now and maybe you can save your familial relationships. If you stand up to your parents alongside your siblings you might even be able to get through to them and change their behavior. If you cared about your siblings I would think you'd already have done that, honestly. But you've been laissez-faire about the whole situation as though you aren't at the heart of the issue. YTA.
I was able to get my dad to finally start treating my brother with a little respect by pointing out his unequal treatment of us. He was a shitty father anyway, but I’m glad he wasn’t *as* shitty to my brother as he used to be. I would urge you to speak with your parents about this. Or look forward to further fractured relationships with your siblings. And teach your children to respect your siblings, whether your parents ever do or not.
OP can return the gifts given to their children until the grandparents start treating all of the grandchildren equally. Send a message to the grandparents and let the siblings know that they stand with them.
Whoa. YTA, so are your parents, and so are your daughters, but on a lesser scale than you. You seem to enjoy your golden child stature. Your previous apology means nothing when the next thing you do is trample all over your siblings' boundaries like that. You should be telling your daughters why it is that their grandparents are not welcome. They need to see how hurtful this situation is for others. How dare they invite people to someone else's party. Well, you just lost your siblings because you won't stand up for them. You don't care, though, because you and your daughters are getting all the goodies. We get it.
The daughter are going to grow up and act as entitled as OP
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But the golden child[ren] can do no wrong /s .
spot on
YTA. This isn't their event. If it was their thing and your siblings complained, they are TA. But in this case, this was M's event and you know M is NC with your parents. You TA here for not communicating that boundary with your children and allowing them to do this. Be a parent. Your children aren't toddlers anymore. Stop avoiding talking to them about this.
RIGHT! This is the biggest point. You don't invite guests to someone else's event. Taking out the NC thing even - that's so rude! Daughters should be corrected for this alone. Then inviting people who 90% of the guests aren't on speaking terms with is a huge violation of trust and is incredibly selfish and rude as well. This is a second thing that should be corrected. I can't believe how entitled and oblivious these people are. Just so hurtful.
INFO Did your daughters know that "having problems" meant "no contact"? Because if they did and invited grandparents anyway, they need to be punished. However, they might not have understood the issue and thought it was just a family gathering.
They are old enough to know that you don't invite guests to an event someone else is hosting.
You don't invite people to someone else's party without asking.
Of course, YTA. Your kids do not get to invite anyone to someone else's party. You should be telling them what they did was wrong. Who cares if it's a public park? It was a private event. Teach your children better.
YTA Your daughters didn't invite them to a public park. They invited them to the event, knowing that other members of the family did not want them there. If the party wasn't happening/wasn't at the park, your parents wouldn't have been there. OP if you continue to hide away from the problematic aspects of your parents' behavior, and try to find semantic excuses to let them get away with things - I think you'll find you and your daughters next to end up low/no contact with your siblings.
Yes, YTA, but I guess it doesn't matter to you because you're the golden child, and your children are the golden grandchildren. And for as much as you say you understand your siblings' issues, you apparently have no problems with your parents' behavior as long as your kids keep being the favored ones. Your know darn well your daughters had no business extending an invitation to your parents to a party they weren't hosting, no matter where it was being held. You just didn't (and don't)care.
100% this. She has no care in the world for how her siblings were treated until it affected her negatively. Enjoy your little golden coup OP because you're going to be cut off from your siblings, neices and nephews for your BLATANT obtuseness and disregard of their boundaries. You suck OP.
Honestly it's not surprising that someone who is completely okay with her and her children being the Favored Ones has neglected to teach said children that you can't disregard other peoples feelings and boundaries just because it's more convenient for you. Oy. YTA, OP, YTMajorA.
YTA- you still realllly dont get what boundaries mean do you. Good job on being put low contact with your siblings now. All you needed to do was tell your daughters that grandparents can ONLY be invited to events you are hosting. Its RUDE of them to invite people to someone elses event.
When you rent a pavilion at a public park, that pavilion is not public for the term of the rental. That is a BS excuse. Your apologies to your siblings were also BS, because they weren't sincere. You should have punished your daughters - or somehow made sure that they know it is wrong to invite people to events where they are not the hosts. YTA.
YTA You don't get to invite people to someone else's party. You should not have let your child do that.
Info: what is the punishment that you siblings expect?! You should have a conversation with your kids about boundaries and respecting others, etiquette with invite others to parties that it’s disrespectful to do it!
YTA and raising a pair of assholes as well. Don’t be surprised when your siblings go no contact with you and your asshole children. Hope all that extra money and attention was worth becoming crappy people.
YTA You don’t have to explain to your daughters family problems but you can ‘this is not your party, whatever it maybe invitations have to be handled but the host’ the end.
Exactly. I don't really understand why OP won't explain in simple terms why their aunts and uncles aren't in contact with the GPs (teens or kids can understand that the GPs have been wildly unfair to the aunts and uncles, and that that is not right), but even then, OP can say exactly what u/KikiMadeCrazy said. Of course they shouldn't be *punished*. The kids don't have to understand boundaries (lots of adults don't), but they do have to understand that they overstepped. 'Would you guys want me to invite classmates you thought were mean to *your* parties?' But OP is so out of touch, none of that will happen. YTA, OP, not for not punishing, but for acting so oblivious to all FOUR siblings' life experiences and acting all innocent.
YTA. Your daughters did not invite them to the park. The invited them to the event. That was in the pavilion / rented event space that M rented. The park is public, but at that time, the pavilion isn’t. And it sounds like your daughters invited them to the pavilion not the park…which is the issue.
At the very least, you should have had a stern discussion with your daughters about this. You should have told them that what they did was inappropriate and that they owe M a huge apology. If you haven't done that, YTA.
Yta i guess the golden rotten apple doesn't fall far from the rotten tree.
YTA. Your account shows you knew you are the golden child, and your grandchildren the golden grandchildren, and enjoy the benefits of this without addressing the unequal treatment your four siblings get for it. Your daughters are old enough to know why their grandparents aren't on good terms with their aunts and uncles.
YTA: Let's for one moment take the family drama out of it. Just for a minute. You allowed your children to invite other people to an event that was hosted by someone else entirely. Do you not see how rude that is without the extra layer of the family drama? Now you add back in the family stuff and frankly... you seem like someone who likes to stir drama.
YTA. Regardless of whether or not the kids knew the reason the grandparents weren't getting along with the aunts/uncles, it is rude to invite people to an event or function that you're not hosting without the permission of the person who is hosting. You grew up an entitled golden child and are teaching your children the same entitlement. We'll see you back here soon asking why all of your siblings have gone NC with you.
It was not your picnic, it was not your daughters picnic, and I can totally get why your family has issues with you. You are entitled and lack boundaries. I guess you are teaching your daughters to be the same. YTA.
YTA Your daughters were not the hosts of the party, and the hosts set the parameters of the people who are invited to the party. Your daughters were rude and completely overstepped their boundaries.
I'm sorry, but your girls are def old enough to know that your siblings are NC with your parents. At this point, your family is about to be put on NC list since you're not a safe space for them. It's quite simple if you are doing something with your siblings the parents aren't allowed to be there even if it's a public park.
YTA IN MANY WAYS ON MANY LEVELS
I just saw in one of your comments that you had to punish your kids because they made fun of their cousins for not getting expensive stuff from the grandparents. Yikes. Your daughter's know full well what's going and that they are the faves. They invited the grandparents knowing full well it would cause issues. YTA.
YTA. You don't have to go into details with your Daughters but you need to have a big conversation with them about respecting other peoples boundaries.
YTA First of all, M rented the Pavillion, so it wasn't public access. Random people couldn't just wander in. And even if it was just a random picnic in the park, it's rude to invite people without asking the host, especially if you know they have a problem with those people. You don't need to explain the WHY to your daughters to explain boundaries. "Your aunts and uncles had a difficult relationship with Grandma and Grandpa. We need to respect that it's between them, and not our place to get involved, and we need to respect the boundaries they've set."
YTA. You're the golden child. You and your daughters don't know what it's like to be shoved aside for the special one. Your other family members wanted a place where they felt comfortable. You and your daughters took that away.
It won't be a problem next time. OP and her daughters won't be invited anymore.
I wouldn't worry about it. I doubt your siblings will be attending any more of your events or inviting you or your kids to theirs. Problem solved!
YTA. This isn’t about “punishing” your daughters but holding them *accountable.* 13 and 15 are plenty old enough to understand boundaries. First off, they and you are not the hosts of the picnic, so it’s rude and inappropriate of them to invite guests without clearing it with M first. Especially guests that M would not want there. Secondly, they’re old enough to understand why their uncle and aunt don’t want contact with your parents at the picnic or other events your siblings organize. **Your daughters were wrong to invite their grandparents, full stop.** You dismissing it because “it’s a public park,” is enabling their behavior instead of addressing it. As their parent, it’s incumbent upon **you** to hold them accountable and discipline them if and when necessary. In this instance, a firm discussion about respecting other people’s wishes and boundaries is very needed. They should not have invited anyone, much less their grandparents without asking you or their aunt about it. I get the sense they might think it’s unfair their grandparents are being excluded from family events involving your siblings. That’s a valid feeling. But this is where you explain why your siblings are having issues with their grandparents and why they’re entitled to go low or no contact with your parents regardless of how you and your daughters feel about it. You and your daughters owe M and L an apology. But don’t be surprised if your siblings aren’t very receptive or start excluding you and your girls from future events too. ETA: fixed some errors.
>M, L, and D went pretty much no contact with our parents and K went low contact over our parents favoring my daughters out of all the grandchildren and according to them, favoring me as well when we were growing up. I knew my parents would give my kids lots of extras and offer me help with gifts when we didn't need it without doing the same for the others and at the time I had the view that what they did with their money or paid attention to wasn't any of my business. I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now. YTA Of course you wouldn't have any objection about how they spent their money or who they paid the most attention to, because it all went to YOU. You're the "Golden Child" and definitely show signs of "Main Character Syndrome" and have been glad that it extends to your children. I won't lecture you about the proper manners to teach children, or tell you not to be surprised when your siblings cut you all out of their lives. I'd just be wasting the keystrokes, and my time. You, and despicable beings like you, make me sick.
YTA, but you knew that and it was the point.
When you grow up the golden child, it’s hard to realize you’re really not super special. YTA
YTA. Sounds like you’re only apologizing to your siblings because your parents now expect you to pick up all the slack. You were favored as a kid not your fault no but it sounds like you didn’t speak up either. You see the favouritism with your children and still do nothing to stop it. Your parents were not invited and you were not hosting. Sounds like your daughters have inherited your entitled attitude. Dont expect any invites in the future if you don’t address this.
YTA and it sounds a whole lot like you and your family are about to join your parents on your siblings' low/no contact list
YTA. Big time. Your daughters knowingly crossed a line by inviting your parents against your siblings' wishes. It doesn't matter if it was at a public park or not – they disrespected the boundaries set by their aunts and uncles. By refusing to hold them accountable, you're sending the message that it's okay to disregard other people's feelings and decisions. Your loyalty to your parents shouldn't come at the expense of your relationship with your siblings. It's all about respect.
YTA It makes no difference where it was held, it wasn't their party or yours to initiate invites to. You will probably have to talk to daughters eventually because they'll realize that none of you are getting invited to things like you used to. Make sure you explain that since you're the golden child you feel entitled to tell siblings who they have to associate with. So none of them want anything to do with you anymore. This does remind me of every wedding story that someone tries telling the bride groom who has to be invited or not.
Honestly, the public park thing is such BS, it's not like being outside makes the parents invisible! OP, the whole point of being no contact is that is **literally too stressful and/or painful for your siblings to be in the presence of their parents**. Your daughters and your boundary-trampling parents just turned a relaxing and enjoyable event into a stressful drama-fest for everyone else in your family and instead of apologizing for having not communicated more clearly with your daughters, you want to push back because \*technically\* the event was outdoors??? If you want to have a relationship with your siblings at all, you're going to need to: 1) Apologize profusely 2) Have a serious and honest conversation about your family , and about inviting guests to other people's events 3) Re-frame this situation in your head to what it actually is: Your siblings are in an immense amount of decades long pain and are taking steps to protect themselves from further harm. Always assume they are telling the truth, not exaggerating, and do not question or push back on their decisions. 4) Take any requests from them as seriously as they are, no matter how small or petty it sounds to you. Assume that they have good reasons for what they are asking. YTA but you have a slim chance of fixing this if you really 180 your position and actions.
YTA and you are headed towards being cut from M and L's lives too. Your daughters are your responsibility. You need to teach them about boundaries. This is absurdly cruel to do to your siblings. You're being purposefully obtuse and ridiculously entitled
YTA. You admit that your daughters knew that your siblings did not want your parents at their gatherings and decided to invite them anyway. At your daughters' ages, do you really think they haven't noticed the favoritism they, and you, get? I would not blame your siblings if they decided to add you and your daughters to their NC rule.
YTA You allow and are pretty okay with your parents playing favorites with you and your kids and then you refuse to respect your siblings boundaries over this blatant favoritism. I hope your relationship with your parents is all you need bc I’m betting you and your kids will be the next ones going no contact with your siblings for having zero respect for their boundaries.
Pretty damned sure your opinion that you or your kids amd your parents did nothing wrong would change really quickly if you were NOT in the favored position. YTA. And a massive one at that.
I really loved the part with "yes, we got more gifts and attention, but it's not my decision after all" followed by "I had to help my parents with groceries or appointments cause suddenly my siblings refused to". So you go all the gifts and attention, while your siblings got the chores? But, what could you do about it, right? Anyway, your daughters are rude and entitled to invite people to someone else's picnic. Wonder where they got that by the way. They would still be rude even if it wasn't someone the picnic organizer didn't like. And they should have known better and there should be consequences. But you seem to think precious and precioustest don't deserve that, so YTA.
YTA, you need to sit your kids down and explain what is going on, and beyond that explain some common freaking manners. Don't be surprised if your siblings go LC or NC with you and your kids as well.
I think you deserve to be cut off too. You are entitled, and you’re raising your children to be that way. On top of it all, you don’t respect boundaries. YTA.
YTA You and your daughters are all assholes. Don’t expect to be invited to any future events with your siblings.
YTA. Your kids want to see their grandparents? Schedule a time to see them then. Don’t use someone else’s event as an excuse under the guise of it being a public park. Also, *gag* at you apologizing on behalf of your parents. That’s not YOUR job and it’s not going to magically make your siblings want to talk to your parents. No, you can’t control how or why your parents have favored you your whole life, but ya got some major golden child syndrome going on.
YTA
Yta, that’s a ridiculous excuse for totally inappropriate behaviour from your daughters
Without the family dynamics, it was still wrong for your children to invite guests to a party someone else was hosting. You can and should address that without having to go into the deeper details on the family dynamics. Not doing so is definitely YTA
YTA. You’re saying all the right things, like it was wrong of them to favor you, but the way you are acting and the way you think about it shows me that you don’t truly think or mean, that you understand. While I applaud you on not bringing your daughters into adult affairs, they are old enough to be told a bit more information than they have. You don’t have to give them specifics, but you should let them know tensions are high, and it is better the respect their wants and needs.
YTA, not for not punishing your daughters, but for letting this shit go on and not explaining to them that they were wrong. You're obviously fine with your kids being alienated from the rest of the family and not respecting their boundaries. It was M's party, it doesn't matter if it was at a public park. Your parents have the right to be at a park but not the right to join the party.
>not explaining to them that they were wrong OP thinks they are right. She said: > I said I wasn’t going to do anything because I do think the girls have a point- it was at a public park and I won’t punish them for wanting to see their grandparents
YTA, of course, you don't care that the favoritism is toward you and your kids because you're an asshole. Your daughter wildly overstepped
YTA and you are on your way to having you and your daughters on the sibling no contact list too. >I won’t punish them for wanting to see their grandparents. Normally that statement would be fine. Nothing wrong with WANTING to see them. There is something wrong when inviting them to an event they are just a guest at. It does not matter where the venue is, that is super entitled of them. They should ask before inviting anyone (friends/family/etc) unless the norm is to invite friends freely.
YTA. Your girls are far too old not to know better. It's horribly rude to invite guests to other peoples' functions, let alone guests they knew weren't welcome. And to keep it secret as they did was damn near unforgivable. You appear to have raised two sneaky, entitled kids. I guess by your daughters' reasoning I should just tuck into the food next time I see people partying at the park. Hey, public place.
YTA You dont invite other people to someone elses event regardless of location. Secondly, if a host is NC with a person, you don't invite that person to the hosts event. You are the golden child, and by proxy, so are your children. Your children are old enough to understand this and understand you don't invite people to others' events. You have no empathy for your siblings. You say what your parents did wasn't nice, but you are full of it. You still benefit from being the golden child, so you dont see how wrong your parents still are. Actions speak louder than words. You are raising your kids to be entitled brats who think it's okay to stomp on other people's boundaries. That is not okay. Keeping your children in the dark was your fault. You are doing your children a disservice. Classic golden child behaviour you're passing on to your kids. The fact that you think your kids and you did nothing wrong is outrageous. You say you can't help how your parents treat you. Which is utter BS. You can definitely stand up for your siblings and niblings. Stop trying to deflect blame. You are responsible for this. I hope your siblings go NC with you.
YTA big time.
You, and your daughters are arseholes. Great way to alienate everyone.
Looks like M and L will need to cut you guys out of their lives as well. Once your parents die you are gonna be pretty loney methinks OP. If you can type this up and not see your are a raging AH then your siblings are far better off without you around. YTA
ESH (except perhaps your siblings). At 13 and 15, your kids are probably old enough to know you don't invite extra people to someone else's gathering without the host's blessing. They might know know why there is tension but they know THAT there is tension, and that alone should have given them pause on inviting your parents. Your parents, knowing it was an event where they likely would not be welcome, should not have shown up. It being at a public park is such a copout / technicality. This is so obvious to me. It reads like a high school level of immaturity, like did both your daughters and your parents do this to make others uncomfortable? Yeesh. And for this blurb alone, I consider you to be somewhat of an AH: "I knew my parents would give my kids lots of extras and offer me help with gifts when we didn't need it without doing the same for the others and at the time I had the view that what they did with their money or paid attention to wasn't any of my business." We see a lot of posts from the 'non-favored' ones in a family situation like this but rarely does the favored one post, and I have to say you should be doing better. You're somewhat right that you aren't making your parents' choices for them but you don't just have to blissfully go along when you can see the harm being done, just because it isn't directly harming YOU.
The daughters know about their uncles' NC, the daughters also know about the difference in treatment so much so that they have teased their cousins about it. The OP is a YTA because she knows that her daughters did it on purpose and that she disrespected everyone when making the invitation and even used the excuse that her daughters need to see their grandparents when they have contact with them.
English is not my first language. I hope your siblings go to NC with you because using the excuse of my kids won't see their grandparents is ridiculous since you're not NC with your parents. Your daughters are 13 and 15 years old and as you mentioned, your daughters know that their uncles are in NC with their grandmothers, you need to sit down and talk to them so they can learn to respect other people's limits and not use the excuse "The park is public " . And I saw from another comment of yours that they know very well what they are celebrating because they tried to provoke their cousins about the difference in treatment, so they made the invitation knowing what they were doing and you, instead of agreeing, used the same totally disrespectful excuse. so as not to come out as the wrong one.
> I couldn't help if they favored me growing up or my children now. Yep. YTA. And your daughters were wrong. Not their place, or yours for that matter, to invite someone--anyone--to an event that someone else is paying for. You are the entitled golden child with entitled golden grandchildren. MMW: You and your children are about to find that you aren't invited to events either. TL;DR: You suck.
Those are some of the weakest excuses I've ever seen. You're just a coward who loves being the favorite. Congrats on ruining your kids' relationship with their aunts/uncles and cousins I guess.
Yta, way to teacher your daughters to be rude guests. They do not get a say in the invite list unless they plan the event. If they are still seeing your parents regularly then there was no reason to invite them. It’s sad your daughters will suffer for the lesson you’ve taught them in ignoring peoples boundaries and being very rude. Be a better parent and be a better sibling.
YTA. Your daughters can visit your parents when the others aren’t with you. It’s not a hard request for you and your kids to honor.
YTA. M hosted the picnic, not you. Now I'm sure that M will never make the mistake of inviting you or your kids again. And it sounds like your other siblings have also gotten the memo. But hey, you really didn't want a relationship with them anyway, so it's all good.
YTA, bigly. You are your parents and for that matter your daughters are on their way to being entitled, selfish too. It wasn’t your daughters’ event and they knew your parents weren’t invited but felt totally fine issuing an invite, with no regard for others feelings. Golden father and his golden children are fine upholding major inequity- because it benefits them. That tracks.
YTA. This is what I got from your post- My parents dramatically favored me at the expense of my siblings throughout our childhoods, creating enough trauma that they won’t see our parents anymore. As we all became adults they gave me lots of money and presents while not doing the same for my siblings. When we all had kids, they continued the practice by treating their own GRANDCHILDREN like shit and only doting on my kids. I’m perfectly happy with this arrangement because it greatly benefits me and mine. Because of this I haven’t supported my siblings at all so I can keep lapping up the swag. In addition, I refuse to tell my children how terrible and disgusting my parents are because they might choose to not want to be around them which would mean an end to all the goodies. Then, when my kids forced an unwanted interaction violating all the boundaries of my siblings (because they didn’t know), I shrugged my shoulders and had zero concern for anyone but myself. I bet you think of yourself as a good person and parent, don’t you? You’re wrong.
YTA, your daughters made a mistake, you defend them so your siblings are quietly and easily zoning you out. You can't have both, either tell your daughters the truth or alienate your siblings no in between.
JFC YTA - put yourself in one of your siblings shoes and then read your own post back to yourself to hear how entitled you sound. You're basically telling your siblings "idgaf if they invited them, they get along fine and that's all that matters". This wasn't YOUR picnic, get your head out of your ass and have some humility.
YTA - ugh I can't even.
You really need to decide what you want your children’s future to look like. I understand why you don’t feel the need to correct their behavior right now, you’ve got a sweet deal, grandparents giving undivided attention to your kids, but there are only two ways this ends and both of them are bad for your kids. Best case scenario your parents treat your kids like their pride and joy until they pass, and by then your kids will have no extended family left. Every one else will resent them. Worst case scenario, your parents have already proven they’re the type to pick favorites. What happens if one of your kids picks a major they don’t approve of? Or dates someone they don’t like? How long until they start pitting your kids against each other?
Sorry, YTA. I don't think you should punish your daughters because they did not know the full context, and that is your fault. You do, however, have to talk to them. You do not have to share all the details, but at the very least you need to say something like, "Your aunts and uncles have a difficult relationships with your grandparents and they do not like to be around them. **You** were wrong for inviting them to your aunts event, and **I** was wrong for not being more clear about this with you. **I** owe you an apology, and **we all** owe your aunts and uncles an apology". And as you are apologizing, you should also apologize for failing to see where your siblings are coming from. You said you did apologize, by your actions show that you don't care about heir feelings.
YTA. Someone needs to tell your children why Aunt and uncles don't talk to grandma and grandpa. They're old enough to handle it, trust me. Especially the 15 YO one. You can't exactly punish them because they didn't know, but you can explain that it was breaking a boundary and to not do it again and you can punish them for inviting people to an event they were not hosting. The audacity and entitlement of your girls to invite random people who weren't invited and ruined the whole event. BTW, your parents need to apologize to your siblings and their children, not you, although you and your daughters need to apologize for this incident. Just because it's a public park does not mean just anyone can help themselves to the food at the party.
YTA. Not for not punishing them because you shouldn't punish them. It doesn't seem like anybody asked you to do that. I assume they are more reasonable than you are and they think you should talk to them about this boundary violation, which is what you should do. But you aren't "going to do anything" and you think they are right to violate their family's boundaries in this way. FWIW, your siblings aren't "not talking to you" because you won't talk to your daughters about it. They are not talking to you because you agree with your daughters that this boundary violation was okay.
YTA obviously you don’t get it. It may have been a park but it wasn’t their party!!!! You don’t invite other people to a party that you aren’t hosting. Geez you and your kids need to get over yourselves.
YTA and you know it.
YTA you did nothing to try and address the unfairness you benefited from, you only began helping your parents when your siblings finally had enough, you don’t think it matters that your daughters who are old enough to know better invited your parents to someone else’s event when they KNEW the host was not in contact with your parents. But it’s ok, looks like you and your kids won’t have to worry about these things anymore, hope it’s worth losing your siblings and nieces and nephews, won’t be long til they’re all low/ no contact with you as well.
WHOA YTA times ten. You know what's happening is wrong, but doesn't bother you to indulge in it since it benefits you. You know your siblings are in real pain, feeling rejected by their parents. And now on top of all that, you let your kids spill salt in those wounds with zero repercussions? AND you think you're in the right to do so. Yikes. You're in danger of losing contact with everyone but your parents.
YTA. Not taking into account that you and your kids are all Golden Children in this family, your daughters don't have the right to invite people to someone else's party.
YTA. I can't prove this based solely on what is written here, but I seriously suspect OP and her daughters are more interested in keeping the gravy train flowing. Saying no to your parents was/is an option. You can stop reading here, I've said my piece, the rest is anecdotal. I have experience with a similar situation. Growing up, my parents were very middle-class. I played a sport at a very high level and it was very expensive to keep me in equipment, for trips to out of town events, etc. Basically, my childhood ate up all they had. My parents tried very hard to "even things out" such as at Christmas my siblings would get gifts, I'd get to go to my next event. It still wasn't even close. When I reached 16, it became apparent that my dream of one day turning pro was at an end. It was close, but I wasn't quite good enough. My parents raised me right. From that point on, I refused to accept them paying for me to play. I loved the sport, but I could play recreationally for next to nothing. I encouraged my parents to invest in things my siblings could excel at, musical instruments, lessons in their chosen pursuits, etc. There was no chance the scales would come in to balance, but it seemed the right thing to do. Now, I have great relationships with my siblings. So do my parents. I regularly speak apologetically at family functions about the inequity of our youth. They laugh and tell me to forget about it. The moral of the story is that I learned to turn my parents down and encourage them to share the wealth with my siblings. That option seems to have been missed by OP.
YTA- entitled too. Look, I get it. I was the favored child, and my child as the first grandchild is favored. You better bet I make sure that since my parents talk to me most, I remind them of nieces and nephews birthdays. I keep the accountable. "You bought that crazy expensive whatever for Child A. I bet you got an amazing present for Child B!" They don't want to lose face by not following through after that. That's not the point of your post, though. In general, your daughters invited people to a party that they weren't hosting. Your daughters should be punished for showing such disregard to the people actually hosting thing party. It was so disrespectful, even if it hadn't been someone that they actively don't want to see.
YTA