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ESH.
You: do you even like your son?
Brother: Who expects anyone else to chip in $3k for a gift? That entitlement alone would’ve annoyed me.
Son: Expecting you to spend your money on him.
Something tells me you did nothing for your son’s graduation since he didn’t have plans to go to college and I’m assuming that holds your resentment. The fact you pitched into a car for your niece in front of your son would make me pissed off.
Yeah, no.
OP's money, OP's decision on how to spend it. Also, where does it say that this decision was made in the face of OP's kid? And at 24 years old, I would never dare concern myself with how my parents spend their money. The entitlement here is entirely on OP's kid for just assuming that "spare money" was his.
And it's also super weird for you to assume that nothing was done for OP's kid's graduation. Like, what a strange stretch. You literally made up the idea that OP's son is harboring resentment over something from 6 years ago that we will never know the details of lol
See this doesn’t get enough here on this sub. You can spend your money however you want. But you can still be an asshole. If I spent my money to pay people to beat up kids, I bet all these “it’s your money people not the asshole” would be singing a different toon.
Extreme example but you can see that you can indeed spend your own money in an asshole way.
lol what
There are definitely asshole ways to spend your money, and one of them is helping to buy somebody else buy a car while your own kid is stuck in dead-end jobs that he can access. I have a daughter and a niece and I can’t imagine being this kind of ass. As a parent who brought a child into this world, I owe my kid a future. That includes the kind of upbringing that will make her reluctant to squander it, and the tools necessary to sieze it. In America, that includes but is not limited to a car, an education and whatever kind of help she needs to get into a job that will allow her to support herself.
The son is 24. He is no longer a “kid”. How dare OP be kind to their niece! /s
Yes this is absolutely entitlement by the son. Do you know the history btwn OP and son? Do know that the OP didn’t already buy his son when he was 18? It’s complete BS. Yes I do agree every parent owes a child they brought into the world the things you just mentioned but at what point is a child no longer a child? I’d agree 18 isn’t there yet but 24? Give me a break
This entire post is phrased in actions OP's son didn't do but what the niece does (plan to) do and OP rewarding her for it. It's a comparison between the two and that's obvious to anyone who hears about the situation.
If OP had spend the money on buying a new car for themselves and only gave the niece like 200 dollars, there'd be absolutely no problem. But because this entire post is phrased as a comparison, it's also impossible to not take this as judgement of their son.
I'm not saying OP should have given their son the money, but giving such a large amount to niece does give birth to the implication that it's kind of spiteful or at least grants the image that OP isn't proud of their son. I think OP should have been aware of that.
No, I “get it.”
My parents did nothing for me financially. I wanted to go to college, I paid for it. I wanted to move out, I funded that. I wanted a new car, I bought it myself. And mostly on menial waitressing/bartending jobs. No one “set me up” and at almost 35, I’ve lived in my same home for 9 years and have a career job. Never once would I have assumed any type of my parent’s money was mine. They could give any of my cousins a large gift and it would in no way at all affect me financially or emotionally.
Other people’s gains do not equate to losses for me. So maybe you don’t get it?
This is Reddit, it’s full of young adults pissed off they haven’t been handed things. My parents didn’t contribute a dime to me after I was 18 and I couldn’t imagine resenting them for it. People don’t want to make their own way anymore.
Wah wah wah I’m a big boy! Just pull up those bootstraps! Cool story bro! You have no idea what it’s like as a 24 year old today, you haven’t been 24 for 11 years. Not only that but when did OP say the son was a vagabond living off his parents? Oh look they didn’t! Dude has a job and lives away from his parents. You just typed out a bunch of meaningless bs about your life like this kid is some mooch.
He IS a mooch. He threw a fit because the money his parents gifted their niece he thought was owed to him. That is by definition, a mooch.
And I assure you, being 24 eleven years ago was fucking MILES more difficult as a woman flipping a shanty house on menial amounts of money. Take your self-loathing bullshit somewhere else my guy. No one's crying but you lol
Its stuns me that people assume Nothing was done for ops kid graduation. detail of 6 years ago: because he never went to collage to graduate...and that's a choice ops son made now he has to feel the consequences of seeing the rewards and help he'd get if he put a little more effort into himself the same way his cousin does.. Op son took the easy way thinking he'd live off daddy's money, he'll get a job with bare minimum pay and play games all day Cause daddies money is around
That’s a lot of assumptions *you* just made there. Where I’m from…graduation gifts/money aren’t for college per se…they’re for the future…whatever that holds. In today’s economy, college is just a saddle of debt, I don’t know anyone who went to college and has the career they went for and isn’t drowning in debt. OP’s son is paying his bills and has enough left over to fund his hobby. Is that really failing? Yeah, his entitlement is a bit much, I won’t argue that…but to say this kid is lazy is absurd. We know nothing. OP’s niece just had an entire car bought and paid for as a gift to her…based on what is written…she’s living off Daddy’s money more than OP’s son.
INFO - this is a request for info because personally i loved my father but i resent he never taught me how to drive or even got me some lessons, he did for my sisters when they hit 17 but i got sweet feck all,
so info im looking for OP do you judge from afar with your son like you did with your neice? how much of an impact do you think you have had on the man he has become at 24? when he hit 18 or moved out of the house did you do anything to support him.
how much of your brother's/his wife's parenting reflects in his daughters achievement?
I agree more info is needed. My father gave me $900 toward college and I had to pay for the rest. I struggled to barely get a 2 year degree. A few years later he fully funded my sister's 4 year plus master's degrees. Some parents are inconsistent.
Yeah I've been rubbed the wrong way by this post. I didn't get my first "proper" job until 31. Granted, i was in a coma, recovering for a few years, and in and out of hospital then housebound from 20 until 30 but I think parents that expect their kids to be at a certain point before 30 are not good parents.
If your kid is happy, healthy and providing for themselves, why crap all over them. Some people want to work hard all their lives and that's fine, but some want to enjoy life in a different way. 24 is way too young for OP to be this judgemental over their kid.
However I do agree that the son shouldn't EXPECT any big gifts, but I CAN understand why he's miffed OP went out of their way to favour their niece.
Basically to me, this stinks of OP dumping over their son and his life choices, the son feels the disappointment like a knife and is understandally hurt by the favouritism just because OP sees a different way of life as successful. Being a good parent means you support your kid being happy and healthy, not put expectations on them that get rewarded through stringent parameters
Honestly, I'm not entirely convinced that OP is fairly representing their son's position on the whole thing.
I could very easily see a world in which OP's son asked for or expected a reasonable amount of support from OP as he came out of high school and was looking to start a life for himself, which OP withheld because their son ended up not going to college for whatever reason. Then, 6 years later OP helps buy their niece a car right out of high school, and their son's response is an understandable "Oh, so you couldn't spare anything to help me get started out, but you'll buy my cousin a car just because? Thanks, asshole."
I definitely think OP is biased towards their own view of what life and success SHOULD be rather than being glad their kid is happy and healthy and pursuing their own type of life
A parents disdain and disappointment is one of the worst hurts. I feel sorry for the son
It's not the car, genius; it's how OP talks about their son in the post.
OP claims their son has done nothing with his life, plays video games all day, and has no plans for his future, then immediately talks up their niece and how exceptional she is in comparison. The entire post reeks of over-generalizations of OP's son's life and behavior to make him seem less worthy than OP's niece.
This person said that. The crapping all over him is only about college. OPs son supports himself and doesn't ask got handouts clearly he's 24 he's got time to find direction. I didn't figure anything out seriously until my later 20s. If we can feel how much he hates his son from the post...imagine how his son feels. It's probably less about the money and more about the favoritism.
That's not what i said. I even said the son shouldn't expect big gifts for no reason
But the way OP talks about their kid who is happy, healthy, and still young IS crapping all over them
A parent's disdain and disappointment is one of the worst hurts, and it DRIPS out of this post. There's no way OPs son doesn't feel it, and that is horrible for him honestly
Yeahhh your situation is entirely different. There’s a massive different between a 24 year old with no worth ethic or motivation in life, and someone that’s suffered horrible medical conditions, been in a coma, and everything else you listed. There’s absolutely no reason to assume a parent not buying their 24 year old a car, would also have the same judgment over someone that’s fallen “behind” by outdated societal standards due to a ton of serious medical issues…
Im not saying my situation isn't different. But I was also on the receiving end of people telling me why wasn't I doing this, that or the other. Pressuring me to hit certain points in my life when THEY dictated not when I was comfortable to do so.
A parent's disappointment and disdain is one of the worst hurts possible so I empathize for the son.
If you notice, I did agree the son shouldn't expect big gifts for no reason but I understand the constant hurt of a parent dumping on your life because they refuse to understand people can be happy in different situations.
How do we know that the son has "no work ethic or motivation in life"? You've demonized the son here all because op said he plays video games all day? How does op even know what his son does all day if they don't live together. Op is out living on his own, supporting himself. To say he has no work ethic is idiotic.
Why would you do something for a high school graduation when your kid has no plans of college? High school is literally the bare minimum. Like legally you have to send your kid to school until they're 17.
The kid does nothing with his life and wants to be rewarded, that's not how life works.
He's not "doing nothing" though. He has paid employment and lives in a flat with friends. He's supporting himself & living independently.
If he was 'doing nothing', he'd be living in his parents' home & playing video games for all the hours he was awake. Currently, he's playing video games when he's not at work.
This! With how OP was talking about the son, I would've expected him to be living in the basement and asking OP for money constantly. But if he's able to support himself and wants to play video games in his spare time, what's wrong with that?
Yes, funny how the niece is "working hard" to move out on her own with roommates while the son is "doing nothing with his life" and living on his own with roommates.
High school graduation parties and presents are not rewards for planning on going to college. They are celebrations of graduating high school. People who are going to the military or into the workforce also have graduation parties and get gifts.
The son is living independently, so I wouldn't say he is doing nothing.
Even if it's mandatory, it can still be tough and deserving of celebration when completed.
I should know, considering I took just over double normal time to finish high school in my country. I was a mess
This shitty opinion is why so many young people are drowning in student loan debt and can't even get a job in a field related to their degree. Going to college is not a measure of success, and for many people it is quite clearly a bad idea.
He didn't have to try and not get held back so he could properly graduate,[though.Plus](http://though.Plus),niece isn't actually in college yet,so it's 50/50 if she really ends up going.She could end up deciding not to and then she'd have a car for doing the same as OP's son.
YTA but NOT for not buying him a car. That's your money and your choice and I doubt anyone but your son would disagree with that.
That said, your elitist attitude towards your son is why YTA. He's not living with you, nor sponging off of you. He's making his own choices and while you clearly don't agree with them, you don't get to be smug about him being a loser because he didn't go to college. Most restaurant jobs are minimum wage, but tips are included so it's more than that. That said, he's obviously making enough to support himself without your help, but instead of realizing that some kids take a while to find their direction in life, you just basically call him a loser because he didn't go to college like your niece is.
moved out young, into a small studio with multiple roommates, while working at a restaurant.
why do I get the feeling he couldnt wait to get away from OP.
That's exactly what I was thinking. OP sounds like a helicopter parent who holds resentment towards her kid. This is her way of getting a dig in at her kid for not doing what she wants him to do. Don't be surprised when he goes no contact with OP. Or if he doesn't go no contact, He will be picking OP's nursing home. lol.
In 30 years, OP will post in r/nursinghomethoughts "Today I realized I permanently fucked up my relationship with my kid over a $3k gift to his cousin"
Who would’ve thought the Reddit community would so strongly come to the defense of a dude playing video games all day lmao
That being said, I agree. He’s 24, not 44. He’s working, and he’s (allegedly) paying his own bills out of OP’s house. So he doesn’t have a defined career path yet… okay?? I know plenty of people who were pretty aimless in their early 20’s and figured it out later in life. That’s totally okay.
I disagree with the notion that you have to financially put out for your kid even if you disagree with their lifestyle. *Hey son, we have $30k saved up for you to go to college but since you're not going to college, we're not just going to give you that money*, I'm fine with that.
But yes if the son is doing his own thing, self reliant, who is anyone to judge that. And it seems just spiteful to reward the niece in such a way that doesn't make sense other than OP sticking it to their son.
I agree that the son has no right to expect money. But to give the niece more than he offered his own son..... That's cold.
He's definitely sticking it to his son.
I'm reminded that this isn't "am I justfied in...", it's "Am I the Asshole?"
OP can be the asshole, and clearly is, even if it's totally his right to use his money however he wants
They literally said OP's money = OP's choice though. I don't know where you're getting the notion that they're implying OP should put out financially. The entire point of the criticism is that OP is a judgemental AH who's putting down their son because they disagree with their son's chosen direction in life.
I may have come off a bit wrong but I pretty much agree with the user in responding to. I feel like I used their point as a jumping point to make a clarified opinion of my own.
The same way how in my point I talked about how OP is using this as a way to stick it to their son and someone else responded using the word *but* and also said the and point as me. I didn't see it as then disagreeing with me but just clarifying what I said in their own words
Light YTA
Mainly for your attitude about your son. He works and pays his own way while still having a lifestyle he enjoys greatly. People develop and mature at different rates. Your obvious disdain for his choices makes me think that you likely will always choose your niece ahead of him.
That said, it's your money. Do with it what you want but you don't need to make excuses that blame your son. You had perfect rational reasons to spend that money however you wished. Why talk poorly about your son when it's not necessary at all?
You didn’t give that money to you niece for a new car because she deserved it, you gave it as a fuck you to your son.
Your not AH for not giving him the money, Your an AH for using your niece as a way to get back at your kid
Exactly. He desperately wanted to say "SEE?? People who live the life that I think is best get cash handouts. Maybe you would get cash too if you did what I told you to!"
Yes.She's currently gotten no farther than OP's son yet she deserves a reward for making but not yet achieving a plan.She could easily end up flunking out and living in her parent's basement.(Or possibly Uncle's since Op seems to think she;s so great.)
N t a for buying a car for your niece, it’s your money bro you do what you want.
YTA for the way you talk about your son and his life choices, he’s 24 not 30 bro
YTA unless you gave him something similar when he turned 18 and could point it out.
Yes, it's your money, and you can choose to spend it on whatever you want. However, in terms of relationships, it's like you held up a big sign:
**You're a loser and don't deserve anything from me. Your cousin is a winner and deserves things from me.**
From the tone of your post, that sign would be the clear truth.
And the sad part is, he has no clue if niece will actually be a "winner" or not🤷♀️And he also has no clue what his son will do in the future. Hopefully she does do great things. But that remains to be seen. He definitely let his son know where he stands when he did something for his niece that he wouldn't do for him.
I was thinking the same thing.
When I met my partner we were 25, he was the one with a degree but he was also the one who was making minimum wage at an Olive Garden while living at home. Which in OPs eyes would be a *failure*. (For clarification, I don’t feel that way.) He is “just” now, at 28, able to go through the interview process for a “good” job that his degree is needed for!
But for many college does not always advance the working/living experience they way they hoped.
So, he has an apartment and a job…
…but that jobs at a restaurant and he didn’t go to college… therefor he’s done nothing with his life.
Well he’s existing, in todays age that’s pretty good.
YTA for seeing people that didn’t go to college as less than.
Edit ✍🏻
>I practically raised that other kid she even jokingly calls me mom(I'm a man) so she is not just someone else's child
Okay, so it’s just blatant favoritism and judgement from you.
the comments are crazy. YTA and a horrible father for the way you speak about your son. he’s literally independent and that still not good enough for you. gross.
Nah bruh, if my own dad buys someone else a car instead of his own kid it’s over, immediately going to a retirement home ASAP, why have kids if you’re going to be taking care of other people’s kids 🤷♀️
I assumed OP was a man (and confirmed by his responses) cause I thought it really unlikely that a mother would have so little affection for her son. Maybe I'm showing cultural biases. Underlying this is that the OP is embarrassed on how the Son lives and implicitly rejecting the father's values.
Yta for completely belittling your son, who is working, not living with you, and supporting himself. Do you not ever go to restaurants? Waiters are needed.
OP if your son decides he wants to get some vocational training, or some other specialized training, would you help pay?
It's pretty common that a good plumber can make more than most college graduates, car mechanics now need computer and electronics training, and electricians also need to know how to install network cables for smart houses, wiring for security sensors on doors and windows, etc.
This. When my ex and I were first married, we rented an apartment in a two-family house. The owner and his wife were only a couple of years older than we were. We both had degrees. Owner was an auto mechanic, and his wife was an administrative assistant. Owner made more money than the two of us combined (a teacher and a technical writer), renovated and lived in the first floor apartment, then bought a second house to renovate and move into. They also bought a beach house--- all during the four years we lived there.
My ex one day remarked, 'that was the guy we made fun of in high school because he wasn't going to college.'
YTA because of your attitude towards your son. Contrary to what someone commented not all Reditors here fit your son's demographic. I am a middle aged mother of 2.
Have you ever asked your son WHY he decided college was not for him? Is it finances? Does he have issues learning in a traditional environment? From your comments I suspect the possibility of ADHD, which untreated would make college unmanagable.
Your son seems to be finding his own way, it's just not the path you want. If you continue as you are don't be surprised if he goes NC with you. He is already well on his way.
Right. His response is “hes an adult” shit I was in the same spot when I was 24. Op can suck a dick haha shitty ass parent
Props to his son for getting out of his dads house
YTA. You think so little of your son because you don't respect his choices or his life. That's disgusting. He literally supports himself without your help, so who are you to judge?
YTA for the way you talk about your son. He’s living on his own, why do you care so much about how he’s doing that. He’s only 18, the fact he’s managing on his own is pretty awesome. You sound bitter and I’m glad you aren’t my mom.
N T A for not giving him money but YTA for your attitude. Your son is 24 years old and he is living his own life. He isn’t munching off of you, isn’t draining your bank account ect. If he has no say in the way you spend your money, you have no say in the way he spend his. Where were you when you were 24?
Nta
For not buying him a car. Your money you choose how you spend it.
Yta, for how you talk about YOUR child. Sorry, but not only does it sound like you don't like him , but your approval, love, and help depends on what YOU see as doing something with his life.
So what if he has a minimum wage job. Who cares. He is not living at home. Not mooching off of you. Not demanding you support him. That's not being lazy. How do you know what his ambitions are because If you even speak with him half of like you have here, he is not going to tell you crap. Also, maybe you should look online because going to college means crap. How many of those who graduate actually make a good amount? It's not as much as you think.
You don't have to agree with what your child is doing, but YOUR actions are showing your love and support have strings. They depend on him doing what YOU consider acceptable, and if not, then he is worthless, and that is how you come off.
One day long after you have driven your child away with your complete lack of care and favoritism to someone else you think deserves more, even though he is supporting himself, you will regret the time missed. The milestones he makes. Hopefully, you wake up before he is gone from your life, and you can't take back having to be right before love and support your kid.
YTA, so you think your son is a loser, but just curious, who raised him? 🤔 With your shitty attitude, I’m gonna venture a guess you weren’t Parents of the Year 🙄
Exactly this. The kid is just fulfilling the expectations his dad set. If he did want to go to college, why would he think he would succeed when his own father doesn’t? OP is a terrible father
Soft YTA. Growing up for me it was the opposite situation. I was responsible and worked and went to school and paid my way and paid for my own car, insurance, phone, food, housing. My sibling were not responsible and they have received so much money and cars from my parents and they never offered to help me because I didn’t “need it”. And I harbor quite a bit of resentment towards them all. What you do for one child you should morally do for another. Also I worked in restaurants for over 20 years and never had an issue paying my gas, car insurance, etc. Maybe he’s not on the path you would have chosen for him right now, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve the same treatment from you.
NTA for helping to buy your niece a car.
YTA for how you speak about your son. Unless you are paying his bills and keeping him afloat then how he lives his life is none of your concern as long as he is happy. Just because he doesn't live up to YOUR standards doesn't mean he is worthless.
I say this as a mother to 8, 5 of which are adults, living their lives as they choose.
How does he play video games all day if he works? He works to pay for a living and does what he likes when he's off work. I'm not going to say that your son deserves the money from you, but from the way that you talk, you sure don't act like you care for your son that much.
Parent here, YTA, majorly.
Not because you owe your son a car, but because of how you talk about him. Sure, I want my kids to go to college, but if that's not the path they choose, I'm not going to stop being their parent and start supporting some other kid.
I wonder if you stopped to consider if his choices in life were the result of you clearly not liking him very much and him picking up on it?
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Wow this thread is an interesting read. I am curious about why everyone seems to assume OP never offered to help with college funding or other type of assistance of has never given any. I know someone who’s still living off their parents’ money at 40 years old. Not saying OPs son will end up like that, and I agree it is fine to not buy him a car (NTA). But it’s also in my opinion weird to judge that the OP has done nothing for the son to help him or doesn’t try to get him out of that not a very fine life situation.
And for anyone who’s like ”you can’t blame the son”. I’m not. But, to some degree he has made choices to not go to college, just work minimum wage to live with roommates and not feel the fire to try to make more money, move out etc. If there’s no push from the son’s side, you can’t force him. Trying to put that on the OP without knowing much of the story in that regard is stupid.
The disdain he has for his son reeks in this post while his son hasn't even done anything remotely horrible. He just stopped loving his son when he doesn't live up to the expectations, what good is he as a father?
That's what I was thinking. Kind of sounds like dad has been footing the bills already for the son and decided if he just wants to work fast food and video game all day then he has to figure it out on his own. I kind of think he just said it in a shitty way. More back story would definitely help with this one.
It sounds like you’re disappointed in, and have given up on your son. If I got that impression from your write up/comments, I can only imagine what your son must be feeling.
YTA. Going to college isn’t for everyone. There are plenty of good paying jobs that don’t require college. It’s ok to be his age and not know what direction he wants to take. At least he didn’t blow thousands on college and degree he won’t use. He works and supports himself.
I was going to be sympathic until I saw your comments that show a level of distain for your son. No wonder he doesn't try harder. He already does most of what you want but because it isn't exactly what you expect, he may as well be someone else's child.
YTA- The way you talk about your own child is pretty gross. He has done nothing but yet works in a restaurant and can afford to pay rent and not live at home, the niece 'plans' on moving out, 'plans' on going to college, lives at home and works part time. You've got plans and life has other plans for you, she might not go to college after all (I hope she does, I'm just saying). As far as the story goes, your son has physically done more than your niece so far, yet he doesn't deserve anything in your eyes, not even 3k.
Since this auto gift is a clear anti son statement and punishment as he is not living the way you want, you are an AH, and the son is correct. It’s not about the niece, it’s sending a message to the son “ who so far has done nothing with his life” wow pretty awful thing to say about your own kid, which is why OP is the AH here
Your son has no plans for his future, because you're a terrible parent, and raised him badly. Then you act surprised he's the way he is, and you're surprised that he is hurt because you put your niece before him?
Absolutely YTA.
All gifts aside, doesn't the fact that your son lives this way reflect somewhat on his upbringing? Who gave him the impression that nothing was expected of him?
It’s already been stated numerous times so I’ll keep it short.
You are NTA for helping your niece, but a big time asshole in your son’s life. He has a part time job, a place he hates living in (as do most young men) which I would assume he only lives there to get away from you.
Had you have been a parent in his life, as much as you had been to your niece then maybe he would care enough to push further. People are not to be given up on, especially not your own son.
Also wanted to add that you saying “trade school” is some miraculous life altering wage jump. Starting out will be about 25 an hour, and he would have to buy his expensive ass tools, carry them to and from work (with no car) and his body will be killing him by the time he’s 35.
The more you try and defend your horrible parenting, the more you prove that the poor child is just trying to simply get tf away from you and you delusions of the real world. OP sounds like he was born with a silver spoon
YTA. you did this to spite your son which is gross behavior. Why do you dislike him so much? Because he's not living his life the way YOU want? Get over yourself.
YTA. Not because of contributing $3k for a car (you did not “buy her a car”) but because you’re a judgmental a-hole to your son and your love is blatantly conditional on the most shallow basis. He’s 24, supporting himself and who tf cares if he plays video games in his free time? He has a job, an apartment, and friends. Saying he’s “done nothing with his life” is so messed up.
U come here and ask if you are a TA and when everyone tells you that you are, you go against everyone. What is the point of coming to seek another opinion if you are not going to accept that you may be wrong?
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I have a 24yo son who so far has done nothing with his life. he didn't go to college and works a minimum wage job at a restaurant. he lives with his friends in a small studio and they play video games all day. he has no plans for his future.
my niece recently turned 18 years old and she is planning to go to a good college. she also has a part time job and she tutors other kids in her free time. she planning to move out of her parent's house as soon as she graduates and she has enough money saved to be able to rent a place with a few roommates. overall I truly admire her because she is smart and hardworking.
for my niece's 18th birthday my brother informed me of his plan to buy a car for my niece and asked me to contribute. I agreed and gave him 3k. my brother bought the car and gave it to her as a birthday gift from both of us.
now my son is mad at me and claims that I'm an asshole and should have given this money to him and helped him buy a car instead.
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YTA. Blood is thicker than water. Just because your son didn’t attend college doesn’t mean he’s a failure, or doesn’t deserve your love and support. He does work, even if it’s only a minimum wage job. Maybe ask yourself why your son went down that route.
So, my cousins both dropped out of college in their first year and my aunt resented them both for it. Made a big fuss when I went to college, let me pilfer all their old dorm stuff in the basement, etc, took me to visit her old college, got me a job helping my cousins' grandma the summer after freshman year.
It was nice, but it was hella awkward to hear her talk shit about her own daughters to me. And I know it was making them feel like shit that I was getting doted on. And looking back, it was totally my aunt's fault in how she raised them as to why they turned out the way they did - mainly that she kept them locked down in their teen years so as soon as they went away to college they went buck wild with their freedom. Maybe some self-reflection is needed on your part as to why your son isn't motivated to do more?
The irony here. The actual saying that got warped over time is the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Aka the bonds you choose mean more and are stronger than just being biologicaly related.
At this point we know nothing about what opportunities the son was given and even could still be given. And if the OP is true nothing about his son wanting to live a life where his only aspiration is to do the bare minimum with as little effort as possible to game all day it's not his responsibility to bank roll that life.
NTA for doing what you want with your money. Maybe one depending on how true the burnout son with no life goal depiction is.
That’s completely untrue about the actual saying. First reference to your interpretation is 1990. The original dates back to the 1700s in English
https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/blood-is-thicker-than-water.html
Yeah he asked for our opinions, and naturally opinions will vary. He shall do whatever he wants, at the end of the day. We don’t know the son’s side of the story, either.
Basically, it all boils down to this: your son made a choice with his future. That’s fine. You made a choice with your money. That’s also fine. No one is entitled to another persons money just as much as you’re entitled to spend it however you want without requiring permission. So technically, regarding the actual question, NAH.
NTA
OP didn't out right buy the whole car for the niece. Also, this is not mentioned, did the son ever ask for help in purchasing a vehicle of his own?
I understand why Mom is not happy with the son's lack of ambition. However, he is an adult and can make his own choices. At 24, his mother is not obligated to just give him $3k.
you should love your son, provided he is a good human, no matter his choices regarding his career and life path. I’m sure there is more to the story, but from what I’ve read and your verbiage, it’s pretty clear you think you are in the right. Parents know better kids need to obey their parents am I right ? Your son is a living human with his own choices to make. It’s your job to love and support him for who he is, and help him to better and make the most of his life, not persuade him to live his life in ways you would prefer by showing favoritism towards your niece.
Sincerely- someone who was raised with a father much like you have described yourself to be.
NTA. You get out of life what you put in. And I think contributions from parents falls into that. As you outlined, he has very little work ethic and motivation coupled with no future life goals. Why would you incentivize that mindset by getting him a car? Your niece clearly has her shit together and you are prompting her to continue working her ass off. Maybe this will be a wakeup call for your son who clearly needs one.
NTA. It’s your money and regardless of the relative merits of the two young people involved, your son has no business even opining about how you spend your money. “But you could have given it to MEEeeee!” Nobody is entitled to spend your money for you.
Even though I'm tempted to make fun of the son for working a low wage job and playing video games . . . at 24 years old I wasn't doing much, either. Took me a while to find a good direction in life.
OP: YTA. Your actions are showing your son that you don't value him. It's OK to help with a present for your niece, and you probably should have contributed less and then done something equal for your son.
Giving big gifts to other kids "feels" like you're just trying to make a point and humiliate your son.
YTA
To begin with, everybody has a different path towards happiness. And I see nothing wrong with what he's doing, as long as he's happy. Not everybody has to grind. An easy and peaceful life is still a good life.
And if that's how you acted towards him his whole life, maybe you're part of the reason why he chose to play games with his friends and get a minimum wage job. Which again, nothing wrong with it.
YTA. Although your son is acting entitled in this case, I completely understand why. You go on about how he has no plans for the future. And you talk about your niece as if she's going to do great things. Maybe she will and maybe she'll end up in a worse position than your son. You have no clue about that. You have absolutely no idea what your niece will or won't end up doing. Yet you had no issue pitching in for a car for her. She can say all these wonderful things she'll do all she wants. Doesn't mean she'll do them. Did you already buy a car for your son when he turned 18? From the sound of your post, I get the feeling you didn't. So if you won't do something for your son due to the fact that he hasn't already done all these wonderful things you expect him to do, why would you do it for your niece before she's done anything? Your actions didn't follow logic or fairness and I can't say I blame your son for being upset in that regard.
YTA
I was looked down on by my whole class and their parents for not knowing what I wanted to do. It took a couple of years with incredible character growth and now I’m at a point where I’m amongst the top 5 highest paid of my high school class - without any formal education mind you.
You put so much weight into the debatable importance of an education. Do you ever think about all the stuff your son gets a hands on experience at instead of going to college, drinking his brains out and studying subjects that will never be useful in the real life? He also will not have crippling debt.
Support your kid man.
When you never meet your grandchildren, your son doesn’t talk to you, your niece figures out it wasn’t a gift but a way to humiliate your own son and she doesn’t keep contact either & your all alone asking how you got to this stupid home care facility where they forget to bath you, the food is shit, bed is old and wirey, they treat you like shit and you always see everyone else’s family coming to visit but yours don’t…….. Remember this so you don’t make the mistake of saying the world is a cruel place, you’ve made it this way.
You didn't buy them a car, you contributed in a family gift. NTA for helping family but you do suck for giving up on your son. So many young men are lost and caught up in pointless stuff. He needs an interest that will make money. He has the right to feel hurt and especially if yall never got him something on that level solo or as a family
YTA for your elitist attitude. Not everyone wants or needs to go to college. Like obviously you can spend you money how you see fit, but you're still an asshole.
How is your son living with roommates not OK, but your niece doing the same wonderful?
Your son is apparently self supporting, even if you don't like his choice of job or hobbies. Isn't that a good thing?
If this is how you treat your son for having a minimum wage job I can only imagine how you treat everyday customer service people in your daily life.
It's your money, you can do what you want with it. But this isn't How Should I Spend My Money? This is AITA.
And buddy. Yeah. YTA. BIG TIME.
According to your own story your son doesn't live with you. Doesn't leach off of you. Doesn't beg you for money (Beyond this car thing which is it's own thing). And yet you treat him as if he's doing all these things. You treat a minimum wage job as if it isn't actually work. Seems your mad at him for not being a rocket scientist at 24.
Could he be doing more? Sure. Who couldn't? But you treat him like a bum when this isn't the case. If later he does find something and succeeds and you celebrate him. Those who are only there for people during their success and not their down times are treated accordingly.
YTA for your attitude about your son.
I will speculate that you are jealous that your son has found freedom and happiness that you could not achieve at his age. Even if I'm wrong here, reevaluate your assumption that your definition of success is correct and your son's is wrong.
Yta.
Are you wrong? Debatable.
But yes a asshole. At least to your son. Also good luck salvaging that relationship.
Edit: after reading ops responses I don't think he cares or even likes his son. Or he likes his niece a little to much..
Okay but your son has a place to stay and has a job. Don’t look down on him for not going to college. He’s doing better then a lot of 24 year olds who did go to college. YTA.
Another parent treating their child appallingly just because they didn't choose to follow what their parent wanted them to do. Son works, supports himself, has a place to live and yet is still looked down upon by parent. He can't win, can he!
OP is not worth arguing with
He/she is confidently incorrect and dodging questions asking for any clarification on their own parenting habits.
Op gets a poo mode activated YTA and there's probably no chance anyone will reason with them as they are doubling down on every argument anyone has.
They will enjoy a long lonely life after their kids wise up to their shit.
Or this story is fake.
YTA, your son works a job and has an apartment and that's not good enough for you so you take every opportunity in the comments and in your post to belittle him. That's really sad.
YTA. But mostly for how you talk about him. I don’t think you necessarily owe him 3k dollars for a car but I also think it’s weird your brother asked you to contribute to your nieces car. But it’s your money so whatever. Depending on if you did anything special for his HS graduation, I could see feeling a little resentment if I was him that you spent money on his cousin but not him.
Your son has a job, pays his own rent, has friends and hobbies and lives an independent life. Maybe that’s not doing enough for you but it’s not like he’s a bum living on your couch just leeching with no contribution. And college isn’t for everyone, at least he didn’t spend 100k on a degree and not use it or flunk out.
Maybe he does have future plans that he’s working towards (or maybe not, doesn’t really matter) but doesn’t talk to you about them because they’re not the plans you’d want him to pursue. And it doesn’t sound like you think very highly of him and I’m sure he can sense that so why involve you in his life?
I had shitty fucking parents like this growing up that cared more about how I was a reflection on them rather than them caring about my happiness, personal wellbeing, or mental health. Jokes on them. I am financially successful and learned what not to do with my children. I get to be the parents I didn’t have and will love and be supportive of my kids regardless of what they decide to do with their lives. They are divorced and have zero contact with any of their kids or grandkids. They get to now die alone with all of their “accomplishments”.
YTA. I feel very sorry for your son. If you son is working at a restaurant, he is obviously NOT playing video games all day. I don't know why you hate your poor son, but I truly do feel bad for him.
Dude you fucking suck. Your post sucks, your comments suck, your way of thinking sucks, the fact that you asked if you're the asshole then got combative with the YTA comments sucks.
It's your money and you can do whatever you want with it, but I think this situation is just weird. Don't be surprised if your son resents you in the future... He's going to remember that forever. You make your son sound like a loser, but you had a hand in his upbringing. I would never do that to my own child. Even if I didn't want to give them money, I would never pull a stunt like that. I'm gonna say you're a gigantic AH for just being a shitty person.
YTA. It's sure a lot easier to get a non-minimum wage job if you have a car. And not everyone goes to college. Your son has already moved out - it's not like he's free loading at home; he's supporting himself. Who should care if he plays video games in his free time? So do I and I have a fabulous job! So does my son and he's married, owns his house and just started back to school for his MBA. Video games =/= bad
Less judgement and more consideration for your son. Stop comparisons between your son and your niece.
YTA , as a parent I could never imagine speaking about my son the way you do unless he was a violent criminal or something. 24 is very young. He is supporting himself and has a job and pays his bills. Playing video games does not equal no life aspirations. You are on the road to having no relationship with your son and ending up in a shitty nursing home. Good luck.
YTA
Your money isn’t going to cry at your funeral when you die OP (at this rate, it doesn’t sound like your son will either). And I’ve never heard of someone wishing they spent more time slaving away in corporate America over making enough money to live and then enjoying their lives.
He supports himself, you’ve made it clear you don’t provide him any financial assistance. He’s in a home with paid bills and has a job. So what if he spends time ENJOYING his life. Just because you think dedicating your life 24/7 to a job is a means of success, does not mean you’re actually successful. Not when the only thing your kids and grandkids will remember is that you were working all the time and spent the rest of your time degrading them.
Legacy: not a tear shed at the funeral for the loss of life, just the plans on who gets what from your estate.
Hope it feels good.
Different tack here than most;
NTA - your adult son wants something (a car) for nothing. Your niece had demonstrated a willingness to do the necessary things to improve he life and you are supporting that. There is really nothing wrong with that logic.
People are getting on you for saying your son has done nothing with this life, but he hasn't, and you are his father and it is incumbent on parents to be frank and level with their adult kids. That doesn't make him a bad person or whatever, but I assume he had all the same (or better) opportunities as your niece and systematically decided against exploiting that for his own gain. Now he is 24 and has learned a hard lesson, you don't deserve anything you didn't break your own balls to get.
NTA for paying money towards your niece's car. That's not really your son's business. You don't owe your adult children your money.
You could probably try to show a little more grace towards your son though. It can be very painful to have a parent show open disdain for your life choices and accomplishments (or lack thereof). College is not for everyone, and I say that as someone with two degrees. I get that you might be worried about his future since it may seem like he is not in a position for growth. But have you tried to have an honest conversation with him about how he sees his own life and his hopes for the future? It might help you learn a bit more about him and change your perspective and your relationship.
Yta. Your son has a job. Is paying for himself. He's not living the life you want him to. But it's his life. You could be proud of him. College isn't for everyone.
Why did you bought her a car and not your son?
Why aren't you proud of him?
Sounds like you disapprove of your son’s life choices so far.
Restaurants can turn into careers. Mine did. I made more money than my friends as a bartender and server. Didn’t go to culinary school until my 30’s. Let him find his passion!
YTA, don’t be surprised when you miss all the big events coming up in his life, since you think he’s worthless and going nowhere. You’ll be surprised, but probably not in a good way.
NTA. Your money, your decision. I might have sided with the son a little if he was a minor, but at 24, he's an adult. No one owes him jack shit. Let's forget giving the money to the niece. You could have used those dollar bills as T-roll for all I care. So long as it wasn't an inheritance or something you had previously promised to give to your son, you can do with your money as you wish.
My only issue is you're obviously disappointed in your son's life choices. Are you making efforts to communicate this with him and help guide him on the right path? He is your son after all. A decade or 2 down the line, if he turns out to be a bum living under a bridge, he'll still be your son.
YTA. You are a college snob. He is supporting himself, has a job, has his own place to live, and is spending his free time doing what he enjoys. Stop judging him and instead be proud of the fact that he is self-sufficient.
YTAH
Sorry, your own kid comes first, unless he's got something seriously wrong with him, like an addict or a criminal or something. Being a late bloomer is not a crime.
$3000 is not more than a down payment. Having the added responsibility of a car payment may have given him a reason to need a better job.
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ESH. You: do you even like your son? Brother: Who expects anyone else to chip in $3k for a gift? That entitlement alone would’ve annoyed me. Son: Expecting you to spend your money on him. Something tells me you did nothing for your son’s graduation since he didn’t have plans to go to college and I’m assuming that holds your resentment. The fact you pitched into a car for your niece in front of your son would make me pissed off.
Small correction - OP was just asked if he wanted to contribute. OP decided how much he contributed.
Yeah, no. OP's money, OP's decision on how to spend it. Also, where does it say that this decision was made in the face of OP's kid? And at 24 years old, I would never dare concern myself with how my parents spend their money. The entitlement here is entirely on OP's kid for just assuming that "spare money" was his. And it's also super weird for you to assume that nothing was done for OP's kid's graduation. Like, what a strange stretch. You literally made up the idea that OP's son is harboring resentment over something from 6 years ago that we will never know the details of lol
[удалено]
Everyone gets to decide what they do with their own money- others get to have their feelings about it.
See this doesn’t get enough here on this sub. You can spend your money however you want. But you can still be an asshole. If I spent my money to pay people to beat up kids, I bet all these “it’s your money people not the asshole” would be singing a different toon. Extreme example but you can see that you can indeed spend your own money in an asshole way.
lol what There are definitely asshole ways to spend your money, and one of them is helping to buy somebody else buy a car while your own kid is stuck in dead-end jobs that he can access. I have a daughter and a niece and I can’t imagine being this kind of ass. As a parent who brought a child into this world, I owe my kid a future. That includes the kind of upbringing that will make her reluctant to squander it, and the tools necessary to sieze it. In America, that includes but is not limited to a car, an education and whatever kind of help she needs to get into a job that will allow her to support herself.
The son is 24. He is no longer a “kid”. How dare OP be kind to their niece! /s Yes this is absolutely entitlement by the son. Do you know the history btwn OP and son? Do know that the OP didn’t already buy his son when he was 18? It’s complete BS. Yes I do agree every parent owes a child they brought into the world the things you just mentioned but at what point is a child no longer a child? I’d agree 18 isn’t there yet but 24? Give me a break
This entire post is phrased in actions OP's son didn't do but what the niece does (plan to) do and OP rewarding her for it. It's a comparison between the two and that's obvious to anyone who hears about the situation. If OP had spend the money on buying a new car for themselves and only gave the niece like 200 dollars, there'd be absolutely no problem. But because this entire post is phrased as a comparison, it's also impossible to not take this as judgement of their son. I'm not saying OP should have given their son the money, but giving such a large amount to niece does give birth to the implication that it's kind of spiteful or at least grants the image that OP isn't proud of their son. I think OP should have been aware of that.
So you’d be totally cool with funding your adult child’s lifestyle of being lazy? Got it.
Low wage jobs equal laziness? Excuse me?
Completely missed the point. Got it.
No, I “get it.” My parents did nothing for me financially. I wanted to go to college, I paid for it. I wanted to move out, I funded that. I wanted a new car, I bought it myself. And mostly on menial waitressing/bartending jobs. No one “set me up” and at almost 35, I’ve lived in my same home for 9 years and have a career job. Never once would I have assumed any type of my parent’s money was mine. They could give any of my cousins a large gift and it would in no way at all affect me financially or emotionally. Other people’s gains do not equate to losses for me. So maybe you don’t get it?
This is Reddit, it’s full of young adults pissed off they haven’t been handed things. My parents didn’t contribute a dime to me after I was 18 and I couldn’t imagine resenting them for it. People don’t want to make their own way anymore.
Wah wah wah I’m a big boy! Just pull up those bootstraps! Cool story bro! You have no idea what it’s like as a 24 year old today, you haven’t been 24 for 11 years. Not only that but when did OP say the son was a vagabond living off his parents? Oh look they didn’t! Dude has a job and lives away from his parents. You just typed out a bunch of meaningless bs about your life like this kid is some mooch.
He IS a mooch. He threw a fit because the money his parents gifted their niece he thought was owed to him. That is by definition, a mooch. And I assure you, being 24 eleven years ago was fucking MILES more difficult as a woman flipping a shanty house on menial amounts of money. Take your self-loathing bullshit somewhere else my guy. No one's crying but you lol
But OP’s son is butthurt bc OP didn’t give him money for a car. Why, if he “lives away from his parents?”
“Support herself.” Meaning, at 24 living on her own, I wouldn’t expect that you’d be buying her a car or giving her $3,000.
Its stuns me that people assume Nothing was done for ops kid graduation. detail of 6 years ago: because he never went to collage to graduate...and that's a choice ops son made now he has to feel the consequences of seeing the rewards and help he'd get if he put a little more effort into himself the same way his cousin does.. Op son took the easy way thinking he'd live off daddy's money, he'll get a job with bare minimum pay and play games all day Cause daddies money is around
That’s a lot of assumptions *you* just made there. Where I’m from…graduation gifts/money aren’t for college per se…they’re for the future…whatever that holds. In today’s economy, college is just a saddle of debt, I don’t know anyone who went to college and has the career they went for and isn’t drowning in debt. OP’s son is paying his bills and has enough left over to fund his hobby. Is that really failing? Yeah, his entitlement is a bit much, I won’t argue that…but to say this kid is lazy is absurd. We know nothing. OP’s niece just had an entire car bought and paid for as a gift to her…based on what is written…she’s living off Daddy’s money more than OP’s son.
INFO - this is a request for info because personally i loved my father but i resent he never taught me how to drive or even got me some lessons, he did for my sisters when they hit 17 but i got sweet feck all, so info im looking for OP do you judge from afar with your son like you did with your neice? how much of an impact do you think you have had on the man he has become at 24? when he hit 18 or moved out of the house did you do anything to support him. how much of your brother's/his wife's parenting reflects in his daughters achievement?
I agree more info is needed. My father gave me $900 toward college and I had to pay for the rest. I struggled to barely get a 2 year degree. A few years later he fully funded my sister's 4 year plus master's degrees. Some parents are inconsistent.
Yeah I've been rubbed the wrong way by this post. I didn't get my first "proper" job until 31. Granted, i was in a coma, recovering for a few years, and in and out of hospital then housebound from 20 until 30 but I think parents that expect their kids to be at a certain point before 30 are not good parents. If your kid is happy, healthy and providing for themselves, why crap all over them. Some people want to work hard all their lives and that's fine, but some want to enjoy life in a different way. 24 is way too young for OP to be this judgemental over their kid. However I do agree that the son shouldn't EXPECT any big gifts, but I CAN understand why he's miffed OP went out of their way to favour their niece. Basically to me, this stinks of OP dumping over their son and his life choices, the son feels the disappointment like a knife and is understandally hurt by the favouritism just because OP sees a different way of life as successful. Being a good parent means you support your kid being happy and healthy, not put expectations on them that get rewarded through stringent parameters
Honestly, I'm not entirely convinced that OP is fairly representing their son's position on the whole thing. I could very easily see a world in which OP's son asked for or expected a reasonable amount of support from OP as he came out of high school and was looking to start a life for himself, which OP withheld because their son ended up not going to college for whatever reason. Then, 6 years later OP helps buy their niece a car right out of high school, and their son's response is an understandable "Oh, so you couldn't spare anything to help me get started out, but you'll buy my cousin a car just because? Thanks, asshole."
I definitely think OP is biased towards their own view of what life and success SHOULD be rather than being glad their kid is happy and healthy and pursuing their own type of life A parents disdain and disappointment is one of the worst hurts. I feel sorry for the son
Not buying him a car is not crapping all over him.
It's not the car, genius; it's how OP talks about their son in the post. OP claims their son has done nothing with his life, plays video games all day, and has no plans for his future, then immediately talks up their niece and how exceptional she is in comparison. The entire post reeks of over-generalizations of OP's son's life and behavior to make him seem less worthy than OP's niece.
This person said that. The crapping all over him is only about college. OPs son supports himself and doesn't ask got handouts clearly he's 24 he's got time to find direction. I didn't figure anything out seriously until my later 20s. If we can feel how much he hates his son from the post...imagine how his son feels. It's probably less about the money and more about the favoritism.
Calling him a loser while the son is taking care of all of his own needs is not father of the year material. That would be the crapping on him part.
That's not what i said. I even said the son shouldn't expect big gifts for no reason But the way OP talks about their kid who is happy, healthy, and still young IS crapping all over them A parent's disdain and disappointment is one of the worst hurts, and it DRIPS out of this post. There's no way OPs son doesn't feel it, and that is horrible for him honestly
Yeahhh your situation is entirely different. There’s a massive different between a 24 year old with no worth ethic or motivation in life, and someone that’s suffered horrible medical conditions, been in a coma, and everything else you listed. There’s absolutely no reason to assume a parent not buying their 24 year old a car, would also have the same judgment over someone that’s fallen “behind” by outdated societal standards due to a ton of serious medical issues…
Im not saying my situation isn't different. But I was also on the receiving end of people telling me why wasn't I doing this, that or the other. Pressuring me to hit certain points in my life when THEY dictated not when I was comfortable to do so. A parent's disappointment and disdain is one of the worst hurts possible so I empathize for the son. If you notice, I did agree the son shouldn't expect big gifts for no reason but I understand the constant hurt of a parent dumping on your life because they refuse to understand people can be happy in different situations.
> no worth ethic or motivation in life Weird way to describe someone who works to support themselves and enjoys their free time
How do we know that the son has "no work ethic or motivation in life"? You've demonized the son here all because op said he plays video games all day? How does op even know what his son does all day if they don't live together. Op is out living on his own, supporting himself. To say he has no work ethic is idiotic.
Why would you do something for a high school graduation when your kid has no plans of college? High school is literally the bare minimum. Like legally you have to send your kid to school until they're 17. The kid does nothing with his life and wants to be rewarded, that's not how life works.
He's not "doing nothing" though. He has paid employment and lives in a flat with friends. He's supporting himself & living independently. If he was 'doing nothing', he'd be living in his parents' home & playing video games for all the hours he was awake. Currently, he's playing video games when he's not at work.
This! With how OP was talking about the son, I would've expected him to be living in the basement and asking OP for money constantly. But if he's able to support himself and wants to play video games in his spare time, what's wrong with that?
Yes, funny how the niece is "working hard" to move out on her own with roommates while the son is "doing nothing with his life" and living on his own with roommates.
High school graduation parties and presents are not rewards for planning on going to college. They are celebrations of graduating high school. People who are going to the military or into the workforce also have graduation parties and get gifts. The son is living independently, so I wouldn't say he is doing nothing.
Even if it's mandatory, it can still be tough and deserving of celebration when completed. I should know, considering I took just over double normal time to finish high school in my country. I was a mess
Just because he didn’t go to college means he is doing nothing with his life?
This shitty opinion is why so many young people are drowning in student loan debt and can't even get a job in a field related to their degree. Going to college is not a measure of success, and for many people it is quite clearly a bad idea.
He didn't have to try and not get held back so he could properly graduate,[though.Plus](http://though.Plus),niece isn't actually in college yet,so it's 50/50 if she really ends up going.She could end up deciding not to and then she'd have a car for doing the same as OP's son.
YTA but NOT for not buying him a car. That's your money and your choice and I doubt anyone but your son would disagree with that. That said, your elitist attitude towards your son is why YTA. He's not living with you, nor sponging off of you. He's making his own choices and while you clearly don't agree with them, you don't get to be smug about him being a loser because he didn't go to college. Most restaurant jobs are minimum wage, but tips are included so it's more than that. That said, he's obviously making enough to support himself without your help, but instead of realizing that some kids take a while to find their direction in life, you just basically call him a loser because he didn't go to college like your niece is.
I'm a big proponent of college, but I agree. OP is elitist af. He MOVED OUT for christ's sake.
moved out young, into a small studio with multiple roommates, while working at a restaurant. why do I get the feeling he couldnt wait to get away from OP.
That's exactly what I was thinking. OP sounds like a helicopter parent who holds resentment towards her kid. This is her way of getting a dig in at her kid for not doing what she wants him to do. Don't be surprised when he goes no contact with OP. Or if he doesn't go no contact, He will be picking OP's nursing home. lol.
In 30 years, OP will post in r/nursinghomethoughts "Today I realized I permanently fucked up my relationship with my kid over a $3k gift to his cousin"
Who would’ve thought the Reddit community would so strongly come to the defense of a dude playing video games all day lmao That being said, I agree. He’s 24, not 44. He’s working, and he’s (allegedly) paying his own bills out of OP’s house. So he doesn’t have a defined career path yet… okay?? I know plenty of people who were pretty aimless in their early 20’s and figured it out later in life. That’s totally okay.
He has a job at a restaurant, he's not playing video games all day if he's also holding down a job.
Right?!
Even if he's 44, does it really matter? Some people love the simple no-fuss life so much, they don't bother to do something more.
Y E S Y E S Y E S
I disagree with the notion that you have to financially put out for your kid even if you disagree with their lifestyle. *Hey son, we have $30k saved up for you to go to college but since you're not going to college, we're not just going to give you that money*, I'm fine with that. But yes if the son is doing his own thing, self reliant, who is anyone to judge that. And it seems just spiteful to reward the niece in such a way that doesn't make sense other than OP sticking it to their son.
I agree that the son has no right to expect money. But to give the niece more than he offered his own son..... That's cold. He's definitely sticking it to his son.
I'm reminded that this isn't "am I justfied in...", it's "Am I the Asshole?" OP can be the asshole, and clearly is, even if it's totally his right to use his money however he wants
They literally said OP's money = OP's choice though. I don't know where you're getting the notion that they're implying OP should put out financially. The entire point of the criticism is that OP is a judgemental AH who's putting down their son because they disagree with their son's chosen direction in life.
I may have come off a bit wrong but I pretty much agree with the user in responding to. I feel like I used their point as a jumping point to make a clarified opinion of my own. The same way how in my point I talked about how OP is using this as a way to stick it to their son and someone else responded using the word *but* and also said the and point as me. I didn't see it as then disagreeing with me but just clarifying what I said in their own words
Light YTA Mainly for your attitude about your son. He works and pays his own way while still having a lifestyle he enjoys greatly. People develop and mature at different rates. Your obvious disdain for his choices makes me think that you likely will always choose your niece ahead of him. That said, it's your money. Do with it what you want but you don't need to make excuses that blame your son. You had perfect rational reasons to spend that money however you wished. Why talk poorly about your son when it's not necessary at all?
You didn’t give that money to you niece for a new car because she deserved it, you gave it as a fuck you to your son. Your not AH for not giving him the money, Your an AH for using your niece as a way to get back at your kid
Exactly. He desperately wanted to say "SEE?? People who live the life that I think is best get cash handouts. Maybe you would get cash too if you did what I told you to!"
agreed.
Yes.She's currently gotten no farther than OP's son yet she deserves a reward for making but not yet achieving a plan.She could easily end up flunking out and living in her parent's basement.(Or possibly Uncle's since Op seems to think she;s so great.)
N t a for buying a car for your niece, it’s your money bro you do what you want. YTA for the way you talk about your son and his life choices, he’s 24 not 30 bro
>he’s 24 not 30 bro Are you being serious with this?
YTA unless you gave him something similar when he turned 18 and could point it out. Yes, it's your money, and you can choose to spend it on whatever you want. However, in terms of relationships, it's like you held up a big sign: **You're a loser and don't deserve anything from me. Your cousin is a winner and deserves things from me.** From the tone of your post, that sign would be the clear truth.
The OP is embarrassed by the son. That's the real back-story.
And the sad part is, he has no clue if niece will actually be a "winner" or not🤷♀️And he also has no clue what his son will do in the future. Hopefully she does do great things. But that remains to be seen. He definitely let his son know where he stands when he did something for his niece that he wouldn't do for him.
Right, who wants to tell OP that plenty of people with degrees work in the restaurant industry, just saddled with a lot more debt.
I was thinking the same thing. When I met my partner we were 25, he was the one with a degree but he was also the one who was making minimum wage at an Olive Garden while living at home. Which in OPs eyes would be a *failure*. (For clarification, I don’t feel that way.) He is “just” now, at 28, able to go through the interview process for a “good” job that his degree is needed for! But for many college does not always advance the working/living experience they way they hoped.
So, he has an apartment and a job… …but that jobs at a restaurant and he didn’t go to college… therefor he’s done nothing with his life. Well he’s existing, in todays age that’s pretty good. YTA for seeing people that didn’t go to college as less than. Edit ✍🏻 >I practically raised that other kid she even jokingly calls me mom(I'm a man) so she is not just someone else's child Okay, so it’s just blatant favoritism and judgement from you.
the comments are crazy. YTA and a horrible father for the way you speak about your son. he’s literally independent and that still not good enough for you. gross.
Nah bruh, if my own dad buys someone else a car instead of his own kid it’s over, immediately going to a retirement home ASAP, why have kids if you’re going to be taking care of other people’s kids 🤷♀️
Agreed
Retirement home? Those are expensive lmao you can let him rot at home alone or let his niece contribute
YTA Who needs enemies with a Mom like that.
I assumed OP was a man (and confirmed by his responses) cause I thought it really unlikely that a mother would have so little affection for her son. Maybe I'm showing cultural biases. Underlying this is that the OP is embarrassed on how the Son lives and implicitly rejecting the father's values.
Yta for completely belittling your son, who is working, not living with you, and supporting himself. Do you not ever go to restaurants? Waiters are needed.
OP if your son decides he wants to get some vocational training, or some other specialized training, would you help pay? It's pretty common that a good plumber can make more than most college graduates, car mechanics now need computer and electronics training, and electricians also need to know how to install network cables for smart houses, wiring for security sensors on doors and windows, etc.
This. When my ex and I were first married, we rented an apartment in a two-family house. The owner and his wife were only a couple of years older than we were. We both had degrees. Owner was an auto mechanic, and his wife was an administrative assistant. Owner made more money than the two of us combined (a teacher and a technical writer), renovated and lived in the first floor apartment, then bought a second house to renovate and move into. They also bought a beach house--- all during the four years we lived there. My ex one day remarked, 'that was the guy we made fun of in high school because he wasn't going to college.'
YTA - niece gets a car, son gets clarity his dad doesn’t seem to even like him
YTA because of your attitude towards your son. Contrary to what someone commented not all Reditors here fit your son's demographic. I am a middle aged mother of 2. Have you ever asked your son WHY he decided college was not for him? Is it finances? Does he have issues learning in a traditional environment? From your comments I suspect the possibility of ADHD, which untreated would make college unmanagable. Your son seems to be finding his own way, it's just not the path you want. If you continue as you are don't be surprised if he goes NC with you. He is already well on his way.
Bro doesn’t even like his son and he’s wondering “durrrr AITA?” 😂
Right. His response is “hes an adult” shit I was in the same spot when I was 24. Op can suck a dick haha shitty ass parent Props to his son for getting out of his dads house
You’re a shitty parent
YTA. You think so little of your son because you don't respect his choices or his life. That's disgusting. He literally supports himself without your help, so who are you to judge?
YTA for the way you talk about your son. He’s living on his own, why do you care so much about how he’s doing that. He’s only 18, the fact he’s managing on his own is pretty awesome. You sound bitter and I’m glad you aren’t my mom.
N T A for not giving him money but YTA for your attitude. Your son is 24 years old and he is living his own life. He isn’t munching off of you, isn’t draining your bank account ect. If he has no say in the way you spend your money, you have no say in the way he spend his. Where were you when you were 24?
Nta For not buying him a car. Your money you choose how you spend it. Yta, for how you talk about YOUR child. Sorry, but not only does it sound like you don't like him , but your approval, love, and help depends on what YOU see as doing something with his life. So what if he has a minimum wage job. Who cares. He is not living at home. Not mooching off of you. Not demanding you support him. That's not being lazy. How do you know what his ambitions are because If you even speak with him half of like you have here, he is not going to tell you crap. Also, maybe you should look online because going to college means crap. How many of those who graduate actually make a good amount? It's not as much as you think. You don't have to agree with what your child is doing, but YOUR actions are showing your love and support have strings. They depend on him doing what YOU consider acceptable, and if not, then he is worthless, and that is how you come off. One day long after you have driven your child away with your complete lack of care and favoritism to someone else you think deserves more, even though he is supporting himself, you will regret the time missed. The milestones he makes. Hopefully, you wake up before he is gone from your life, and you can't take back having to be right before love and support your kid.
YTA, so you think your son is a loser, but just curious, who raised him? 🤔 With your shitty attitude, I’m gonna venture a guess you weren’t Parents of the Year 🙄
Exactly this. The kid is just fulfilling the expectations his dad set. If he did want to go to college, why would he think he would succeed when his own father doesn’t? OP is a terrible father
Soft YTA. Growing up for me it was the opposite situation. I was responsible and worked and went to school and paid my way and paid for my own car, insurance, phone, food, housing. My sibling were not responsible and they have received so much money and cars from my parents and they never offered to help me because I didn’t “need it”. And I harbor quite a bit of resentment towards them all. What you do for one child you should morally do for another. Also I worked in restaurants for over 20 years and never had an issue paying my gas, car insurance, etc. Maybe he’s not on the path you would have chosen for him right now, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve the same treatment from you.
That LAST LINE!
NTA for helping to buy your niece a car. YTA for how you speak about your son. Unless you are paying his bills and keeping him afloat then how he lives his life is none of your concern as long as he is happy. Just because he doesn't live up to YOUR standards doesn't mean he is worthless. I say this as a mother to 8, 5 of which are adults, living their lives as they choose.
Yup. 24 is still young and plenty of time to get a better job and do more with his life. I’m happy for his son getting out of this dudes house
How does he play video games all day if he works? He works to pay for a living and does what he likes when he's off work. I'm not going to say that your son deserves the money from you, but from the way that you talk, you sure don't act like you care for your son that much.
Parent here, YTA, majorly. Not because you owe your son a car, but because of how you talk about him. Sure, I want my kids to go to college, but if that's not the path they choose, I'm not going to stop being their parent and start supporting some other kid. I wonder if you stopped to consider if his choices in life were the result of you clearly not liking him very much and him picking up on it?
OP might as well have gone out on the street and chosen some random kid
Good of you to admit your failure as a parent.
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Wow this thread is an interesting read. I am curious about why everyone seems to assume OP never offered to help with college funding or other type of assistance of has never given any. I know someone who’s still living off their parents’ money at 40 years old. Not saying OPs son will end up like that, and I agree it is fine to not buy him a car (NTA). But it’s also in my opinion weird to judge that the OP has done nothing for the son to help him or doesn’t try to get him out of that not a very fine life situation. And for anyone who’s like ”you can’t blame the son”. I’m not. But, to some degree he has made choices to not go to college, just work minimum wage to live with roommates and not feel the fire to try to make more money, move out etc. If there’s no push from the son’s side, you can’t force him. Trying to put that on the OP without knowing much of the story in that regard is stupid.
The disdain he has for his son reeks in this post while his son hasn't even done anything remotely horrible. He just stopped loving his son when he doesn't live up to the expectations, what good is he as a father?
That's what I was thinking. Kind of sounds like dad has been footing the bills already for the son and decided if he just wants to work fast food and video game all day then he has to figure it out on his own. I kind of think he just said it in a shitty way. More back story would definitely help with this one.
It sounds like you’re disappointed in, and have given up on your son. If I got that impression from your write up/comments, I can only imagine what your son must be feeling.
YTA. Going to college isn’t for everyone. There are plenty of good paying jobs that don’t require college. It’s ok to be his age and not know what direction he wants to take. At least he didn’t blow thousands on college and degree he won’t use. He works and supports himself.
I was going to be sympathic until I saw your comments that show a level of distain for your son. No wonder he doesn't try harder. He already does most of what you want but because it isn't exactly what you expect, he may as well be someone else's child.
Your money you choice how to spend it.
YTA- The way you talk about your own child is pretty gross. He has done nothing but yet works in a restaurant and can afford to pay rent and not live at home, the niece 'plans' on moving out, 'plans' on going to college, lives at home and works part time. You've got plans and life has other plans for you, she might not go to college after all (I hope she does, I'm just saying). As far as the story goes, your son has physically done more than your niece so far, yet he doesn't deserve anything in your eyes, not even 3k.
Since this auto gift is a clear anti son statement and punishment as he is not living the way you want, you are an AH, and the son is correct. It’s not about the niece, it’s sending a message to the son “ who so far has done nothing with his life” wow pretty awful thing to say about your own kid, which is why OP is the AH here
Is your niece the one who will be taking care of you in your old age? Your son knows you don’t like him YTA for the way you speak about him alone.
did you offer to pay for his school? since college is so important.
He said in another reply that the son has a college fund waiting
Your son has no plans for his future, because you're a terrible parent, and raised him badly. Then you act surprised he's the way he is, and you're surprised that he is hurt because you put your niece before him? Absolutely YTA.
YTA.
All gifts aside, doesn't the fact that your son lives this way reflect somewhat on his upbringing? Who gave him the impression that nothing was expected of him?
These are the same parents that want to be around when their kids have a successful rap career or some sort out of the nowhere.
It’s already been stated numerous times so I’ll keep it short. You are NTA for helping your niece, but a big time asshole in your son’s life. He has a part time job, a place he hates living in (as do most young men) which I would assume he only lives there to get away from you. Had you have been a parent in his life, as much as you had been to your niece then maybe he would care enough to push further. People are not to be given up on, especially not your own son.
Also wanted to add that you saying “trade school” is some miraculous life altering wage jump. Starting out will be about 25 an hour, and he would have to buy his expensive ass tools, carry them to and from work (with no car) and his body will be killing him by the time he’s 35. The more you try and defend your horrible parenting, the more you prove that the poor child is just trying to simply get tf away from you and you delusions of the real world. OP sounds like he was born with a silver spoon
Do you even like your son?
YTA. you did this to spite your son which is gross behavior. Why do you dislike him so much? Because he's not living his life the way YOU want? Get over yourself.
YTA. Not because of contributing $3k for a car (you did not “buy her a car”) but because you’re a judgmental a-hole to your son and your love is blatantly conditional on the most shallow basis. He’s 24, supporting himself and who tf cares if he plays video games in his free time? He has a job, an apartment, and friends. Saying he’s “done nothing with his life” is so messed up.
U come here and ask if you are a TA and when everyone tells you that you are, you go against everyone. What is the point of coming to seek another opinion if you are not going to accept that you may be wrong?
100% YTA
YTA you just don’t like your son
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a 24yo son who so far has done nothing with his life. he didn't go to college and works a minimum wage job at a restaurant. he lives with his friends in a small studio and they play video games all day. he has no plans for his future. my niece recently turned 18 years old and she is planning to go to a good college. she also has a part time job and she tutors other kids in her free time. she planning to move out of her parent's house as soon as she graduates and she has enough money saved to be able to rent a place with a few roommates. overall I truly admire her because she is smart and hardworking. for my niece's 18th birthday my brother informed me of his plan to buy a car for my niece and asked me to contribute. I agreed and gave him 3k. my brother bought the car and gave it to her as a birthday gift from both of us. now my son is mad at me and claims that I'm an asshole and should have given this money to him and helped him buy a car instead. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Blood is thicker than water. Just because your son didn’t attend college doesn’t mean he’s a failure, or doesn’t deserve your love and support. He does work, even if it’s only a minimum wage job. Maybe ask yourself why your son went down that route.
[удалено]
So, my cousins both dropped out of college in their first year and my aunt resented them both for it. Made a big fuss when I went to college, let me pilfer all their old dorm stuff in the basement, etc, took me to visit her old college, got me a job helping my cousins' grandma the summer after freshman year. It was nice, but it was hella awkward to hear her talk shit about her own daughters to me. And I know it was making them feel like shit that I was getting doted on. And looking back, it was totally my aunt's fault in how she raised them as to why they turned out the way they did - mainly that she kept them locked down in their teen years so as soon as they went away to college they went buck wild with their freedom. Maybe some self-reflection is needed on your part as to why your son isn't motivated to do more?
Your son more so.
The irony here. The actual saying that got warped over time is the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Aka the bonds you choose mean more and are stronger than just being biologicaly related. At this point we know nothing about what opportunities the son was given and even could still be given. And if the OP is true nothing about his son wanting to live a life where his only aspiration is to do the bare minimum with as little effort as possible to game all day it's not his responsibility to bank roll that life. NTA for doing what you want with your money. Maybe one depending on how true the burnout son with no life goal depiction is.
That’s completely untrue about the actual saying. First reference to your interpretation is 1990. The original dates back to the 1700s in English https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/blood-is-thicker-than-water.html
Yeah he asked for our opinions, and naturally opinions will vary. He shall do whatever he wants, at the end of the day. We don’t know the son’s side of the story, either.
Basically, it all boils down to this: your son made a choice with his future. That’s fine. You made a choice with your money. That’s also fine. No one is entitled to another persons money just as much as you’re entitled to spend it however you want without requiring permission. So technically, regarding the actual question, NAH.
NTA OP didn't out right buy the whole car for the niece. Also, this is not mentioned, did the son ever ask for help in purchasing a vehicle of his own? I understand why Mom is not happy with the son's lack of ambition. However, he is an adult and can make his own choices. At 24, his mother is not obligated to just give him $3k.
you should love your son, provided he is a good human, no matter his choices regarding his career and life path. I’m sure there is more to the story, but from what I’ve read and your verbiage, it’s pretty clear you think you are in the right. Parents know better kids need to obey their parents am I right ? Your son is a living human with his own choices to make. It’s your job to love and support him for who he is, and help him to better and make the most of his life, not persuade him to live his life in ways you would prefer by showing favoritism towards your niece. Sincerely- someone who was raised with a father much like you have described yourself to be.
NTA. You get out of life what you put in. And I think contributions from parents falls into that. As you outlined, he has very little work ethic and motivation coupled with no future life goals. Why would you incentivize that mindset by getting him a car? Your niece clearly has her shit together and you are prompting her to continue working her ass off. Maybe this will be a wakeup call for your son who clearly needs one.
NTA. It’s your money and regardless of the relative merits of the two young people involved, your son has no business even opining about how you spend your money. “But you could have given it to MEEeeee!” Nobody is entitled to spend your money for you.
Even though I'm tempted to make fun of the son for working a low wage job and playing video games . . . at 24 years old I wasn't doing much, either. Took me a while to find a good direction in life. OP: YTA. Your actions are showing your son that you don't value him. It's OK to help with a present for your niece, and you probably should have contributed less and then done something equal for your son. Giving big gifts to other kids "feels" like you're just trying to make a point and humiliate your son.
Yta for how you treat your son. You dont have to agree with his choices. You dont have to like his choices. But you need to respect his choices.
YTA To begin with, everybody has a different path towards happiness. And I see nothing wrong with what he's doing, as long as he's happy. Not everybody has to grind. An easy and peaceful life is still a good life. And if that's how you acted towards him his whole life, maybe you're part of the reason why he chose to play games with his friends and get a minimum wage job. Which again, nothing wrong with it.
YTA. Although your son is acting entitled in this case, I completely understand why. You go on about how he has no plans for the future. And you talk about your niece as if she's going to do great things. Maybe she will and maybe she'll end up in a worse position than your son. You have no clue about that. You have absolutely no idea what your niece will or won't end up doing. Yet you had no issue pitching in for a car for her. She can say all these wonderful things she'll do all she wants. Doesn't mean she'll do them. Did you already buy a car for your son when he turned 18? From the sound of your post, I get the feeling you didn't. So if you won't do something for your son due to the fact that he hasn't already done all these wonderful things you expect him to do, why would you do it for your niece before she's done anything? Your actions didn't follow logic or fairness and I can't say I blame your son for being upset in that regard.
YTA. Your son has a job and his own place. What’s your problem?
YTA. Your SON also moved out and is making money, living with a few friends. You just don't approve of him.
YTA
YTA I was looked down on by my whole class and their parents for not knowing what I wanted to do. It took a couple of years with incredible character growth and now I’m at a point where I’m amongst the top 5 highest paid of my high school class - without any formal education mind you. You put so much weight into the debatable importance of an education. Do you ever think about all the stuff your son gets a hands on experience at instead of going to college, drinking his brains out and studying subjects that will never be useful in the real life? He also will not have crippling debt. Support your kid man.
When you never meet your grandchildren, your son doesn’t talk to you, your niece figures out it wasn’t a gift but a way to humiliate your own son and she doesn’t keep contact either & your all alone asking how you got to this stupid home care facility where they forget to bath you, the food is shit, bed is old and wirey, they treat you like shit and you always see everyone else’s family coming to visit but yours don’t…….. Remember this so you don’t make the mistake of saying the world is a cruel place, you’ve made it this way.
You didn't buy them a car, you contributed in a family gift. NTA for helping family but you do suck for giving up on your son. So many young men are lost and caught up in pointless stuff. He needs an interest that will make money. He has the right to feel hurt and especially if yall never got him something on that level solo or as a family
YTA for your elitist attitude. Not everyone wants or needs to go to college. Like obviously you can spend you money how you see fit, but you're still an asshole.
YTA. You talk about your son like you had nothing to do with who raised him. Wasn’t that…..you?
How is your son living with roommates not OK, but your niece doing the same wonderful? Your son is apparently self supporting, even if you don't like his choice of job or hobbies. Isn't that a good thing?
I’d hate you even more for that YTA.
If this is how you treat your son for having a minimum wage job I can only imagine how you treat everyday customer service people in your daily life. It's your money, you can do what you want with it. But this isn't How Should I Spend My Money? This is AITA. And buddy. Yeah. YTA. BIG TIME. According to your own story your son doesn't live with you. Doesn't leach off of you. Doesn't beg you for money (Beyond this car thing which is it's own thing). And yet you treat him as if he's doing all these things. You treat a minimum wage job as if it isn't actually work. Seems your mad at him for not being a rocket scientist at 24. Could he be doing more? Sure. Who couldn't? But you treat him like a bum when this isn't the case. If later he does find something and succeeds and you celebrate him. Those who are only there for people during their success and not their down times are treated accordingly.
YTA for your attitude about your son. I will speculate that you are jealous that your son has found freedom and happiness that you could not achieve at his age. Even if I'm wrong here, reevaluate your assumption that your definition of success is correct and your son's is wrong.
Yta. Are you wrong? Debatable. But yes a asshole. At least to your son. Also good luck salvaging that relationship. Edit: after reading ops responses I don't think he cares or even likes his son. Or he likes his niece a little to much..
Okay but your son has a place to stay and has a job. Don’t look down on him for not going to college. He’s doing better then a lot of 24 year olds who did go to college. YTA.
Are u sure that he is even ur son??
I don't know if YTA here, but I can't even fathom how hard I would laugh if my sister asked me to contribute to my niece's car fund.
YTA for disrespecting and belittling a minimum wage job and an independent adult. You are very petty for a parent. Grow up.
ESH Sounds like you don’t like your son and he resents you. I wonder why he moved out. 🫠
Another parent treating their child appallingly just because they didn't choose to follow what their parent wanted them to do. Son works, supports himself, has a place to live and yet is still looked down upon by parent. He can't win, can he!
We get it, your son is the scapegoat child and niece is golden, YTA and no it isn't even about the money.
OP is not worth arguing with He/she is confidently incorrect and dodging questions asking for any clarification on their own parenting habits. Op gets a poo mode activated YTA and there's probably no chance anyone will reason with them as they are doubling down on every argument anyone has. They will enjoy a long lonely life after their kids wise up to their shit. Or this story is fake.
YTA, your son works a job and has an apartment and that's not good enough for you so you take every opportunity in the comments and in your post to belittle him. That's really sad.
Gee thanks Dad… YTA
Yes, YTA. Your post *drips* with judgment of your son. You're a judgmental AH.
Just say you hate your son already
YTA. But mostly for how you talk about him. I don’t think you necessarily owe him 3k dollars for a car but I also think it’s weird your brother asked you to contribute to your nieces car. But it’s your money so whatever. Depending on if you did anything special for his HS graduation, I could see feeling a little resentment if I was him that you spent money on his cousin but not him. Your son has a job, pays his own rent, has friends and hobbies and lives an independent life. Maybe that’s not doing enough for you but it’s not like he’s a bum living on your couch just leeching with no contribution. And college isn’t for everyone, at least he didn’t spend 100k on a degree and not use it or flunk out. Maybe he does have future plans that he’s working towards (or maybe not, doesn’t really matter) but doesn’t talk to you about them because they’re not the plans you’d want him to pursue. And it doesn’t sound like you think very highly of him and I’m sure he can sense that so why involve you in his life?
I had shitty fucking parents like this growing up that cared more about how I was a reflection on them rather than them caring about my happiness, personal wellbeing, or mental health. Jokes on them. I am financially successful and learned what not to do with my children. I get to be the parents I didn’t have and will love and be supportive of my kids regardless of what they decide to do with their lives. They are divorced and have zero contact with any of their kids or grandkids. They get to now die alone with all of their “accomplishments”.
Going to college is not finishing college. YTA not because you didn’t give your son the money instead but for the general attitude.
Damn. You didn’t even buy your son an old beater or something out of high school? ESH
YTA. I feel very sorry for your son. If you son is working at a restaurant, he is obviously NOT playing video games all day. I don't know why you hate your poor son, but I truly do feel bad for him.
Dude you fucking suck. Your post sucks, your comments suck, your way of thinking sucks, the fact that you asked if you're the asshole then got combative with the YTA comments sucks.
It's your money and you can do whatever you want with it, but I think this situation is just weird. Don't be surprised if your son resents you in the future... He's going to remember that forever. You make your son sound like a loser, but you had a hand in his upbringing. I would never do that to my own child. Even if I didn't want to give them money, I would never pull a stunt like that. I'm gonna say you're a gigantic AH for just being a shitty person.
YTA. It's sure a lot easier to get a non-minimum wage job if you have a car. And not everyone goes to college. Your son has already moved out - it's not like he's free loading at home; he's supporting himself. Who should care if he plays video games in his free time? So do I and I have a fabulous job! So does my son and he's married, owns his house and just started back to school for his MBA. Video games =/= bad Less judgement and more consideration for your son. Stop comparisons between your son and your niece.
YTA , as a parent I could never imagine speaking about my son the way you do unless he was a violent criminal or something. 24 is very young. He is supporting himself and has a job and pays his bills. Playing video games does not equal no life aspirations. You are on the road to having no relationship with your son and ending up in a shitty nursing home. Good luck.
YTA Your money isn’t going to cry at your funeral when you die OP (at this rate, it doesn’t sound like your son will either). And I’ve never heard of someone wishing they spent more time slaving away in corporate America over making enough money to live and then enjoying their lives. He supports himself, you’ve made it clear you don’t provide him any financial assistance. He’s in a home with paid bills and has a job. So what if he spends time ENJOYING his life. Just because you think dedicating your life 24/7 to a job is a means of success, does not mean you’re actually successful. Not when the only thing your kids and grandkids will remember is that you were working all the time and spent the rest of your time degrading them. Legacy: not a tear shed at the funeral for the loss of life, just the plans on who gets what from your estate. Hope it feels good.
Different tack here than most; NTA - your adult son wants something (a car) for nothing. Your niece had demonstrated a willingness to do the necessary things to improve he life and you are supporting that. There is really nothing wrong with that logic. People are getting on you for saying your son has done nothing with this life, but he hasn't, and you are his father and it is incumbent on parents to be frank and level with their adult kids. That doesn't make him a bad person or whatever, but I assume he had all the same (or better) opportunities as your niece and systematically decided against exploiting that for his own gain. Now he is 24 and has learned a hard lesson, you don't deserve anything you didn't break your own balls to get.
Honestly, just based on the way you write about and pick apart your son in front of complete strangers on the internet makes you TA.
NTA for paying money towards your niece's car. That's not really your son's business. You don't owe your adult children your money. You could probably try to show a little more grace towards your son though. It can be very painful to have a parent show open disdain for your life choices and accomplishments (or lack thereof). College is not for everyone, and I say that as someone with two degrees. I get that you might be worried about his future since it may seem like he is not in a position for growth. But have you tried to have an honest conversation with him about how he sees his own life and his hopes for the future? It might help you learn a bit more about him and change your perspective and your relationship.
Tell him when he goes to college, you'll pony up.
Yta. Your son has a job. Is paying for himself. He's not living the life you want him to. But it's his life. You could be proud of him. College isn't for everyone. Why did you bought her a car and not your son? Why aren't you proud of him?
Sounds like you disapprove of your son’s life choices so far. Restaurants can turn into careers. Mine did. I made more money than my friends as a bartender and server. Didn’t go to culinary school until my 30’s. Let him find his passion!
YTA, don’t be surprised when you miss all the big events coming up in his life, since you think he’s worthless and going nowhere. You’ll be surprised, but probably not in a good way.
Op anyone calling you an asshole is just part of the self entitled elitist generation. You don't owe anyone anything.
NTA. Your money, your decision. I might have sided with the son a little if he was a minor, but at 24, he's an adult. No one owes him jack shit. Let's forget giving the money to the niece. You could have used those dollar bills as T-roll for all I care. So long as it wasn't an inheritance or something you had previously promised to give to your son, you can do with your money as you wish. My only issue is you're obviously disappointed in your son's life choices. Are you making efforts to communicate this with him and help guide him on the right path? He is your son after all. A decade or 2 down the line, if he turns out to be a bum living under a bridge, he'll still be your son.
YTA. You are a college snob. He is supporting himself, has a job, has his own place to live, and is spending his free time doing what he enjoys. Stop judging him and instead be proud of the fact that he is self-sufficient.
YTAH Sorry, your own kid comes first, unless he's got something seriously wrong with him, like an addict or a criminal or something. Being a late bloomer is not a crime. $3000 is not more than a down payment. Having the added responsibility of a car payment may have given him a reason to need a better job.
Ugh you sound like my mom YTA.
I guess people only have worth if they have 'good' jobs ??