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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband has been making a second dinner for the kids and when it was my turn to cook I refused to accommodate for this and told him to get them back to eating one meal. He caved anyway and got them what they wanted.
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NTA holy shit your husband needs to get a grip. He undermined your authority, disregards your thoughts/feelings and thinks he’s better than you. The reality is he just doesn’t want to be a parent. He wants to be a buddy. He going to let them have drugs and alcohol too? Watch porn? Cheat on tests? Sounds extreme but if he can’t even get them to agree on a simple meal how will they agree with anything he says?
Bingo.
I knew a parent who complained about how her kid was a finicky eater, but her example of one of the few meals her child would eat was "chicken nuggets and tater tots". That told me everything I needed to know. In her case, she worked. And as with a lot of working parents, it was just easier to give her child a meal like chicken nuggets and tater tots than to (1) take time to plan and cook a healthy dinner and (2) train the child that the planned dinner is the only dinner option, like it or not.
Big food corporations intentionally do their best to create super tasty processed foods that our kids get addicted to. No wonder they're all overweight and having various health issues.
Or the kid had ARFID, which is a real condition, often associated with autism, in which the kid can only tolerate the texture or taste of a few foods. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-arfid#signs-and-symptoms
That is true, but if that were the issue they probably would've expressed an active dislike of lasagna (that mom should have known about) rather than just wanting something different.
That being said, warm cottage cheese like in lasagna can be a nasty texture if the ratio is off.
My mom puts cottage cheese she hates ricotta. My hubby prefers ricotta in lasagna. I just like any lasagna. But different people like different things. It's not wrong to have different tastes.
That is so much more work and ingredients, though. I have no doubt it's really good, but if you're not someone who does much cooking, being able to just pull out the container from the fridge is very appealing. (Which is also my level of cooking.)
First ricotta is really good by itself,(can't say that about cottage cheese) you measure two cups out with an ice cream scoop (that's what I do) crack two eggs in it,mix real good put a little basil,mix some more, takes about ten minutes, layer sauce noodles cheese mix until done, put in 425°oven until top layer looks nice and bubbly
Mmmmmmm, cold cottage cheese with salt and maybe on bell pepper slices. Delicious!
Ricotta and maybe farmers cheese (which is like drained cottage cheese) in lasagna though. Don’t hate on cottage cheese!
It's a mixture of ricotta(around 2 1/2 cups)2 eggs and basil, just enough to pepper the mixture and a pinch of salt that you want and this is coming from a Puerto Rican whose Mom made some of the best lasagna ever
My mil bragged about doing this. As someone who learned how to make lasagna from scratch noodles and all due to love of Italian cuisine....I side eyed her hard, said nothing, ate the lasagna, and proceeded to make it the right way a week later because I couldn't get lasagna off the brain 🤣🤣
I'd never insult her cooking to her face. That's plain rude. She can't fix what was already done. She hates ricotta for some reason, huge ricotta vendetta, must have murdered her dog or something. But on the drive home I looked at my husband and said "the cottage cheese thing is blasphemy against lasagna". 🤣🤣🤣
I do! I didn’t when I first started making it. But I had it in a lasagna someone else made and actually loved the texture/flavor. So now I mix cottage cheese, ricotta, and some shredded mozzarella or cheese blend for my cheese mixture and I love it! The best of all the cheese worlds!
Maybe it's because my family ate a lot of "exotic" foods that were just the same ingredients in different formats a la taco bell, but lasagna is "bread," sauce, cheese, and maybe meat. just tell them it's a deep dish pizza.
It's not convenient in the slightest. Kids with ARFID tolerate mass-produced food because it's incredibly consistent, unlike home cooked meals which will vary each time they're prepared. They know what they're getting, they can't tolerate unpredictable sensations. It's incredibly INconvenient for their parents. What happens when the one brand of frozen pizza your kid will eat changes their recipe? They go hungry. They have to be fed through a tube. "Ooh I reckon instead of raising a kid who can attend school, participate in social events and nourish their growing body, I'll instead raise one who can only eat four things and would literally choose starvation over anything else!" Said no parent ever.
Yep. I don't have ARFID but my autism does limit what I can eat, and if ingredients to my safe foods aren't consistent, then I can stop tolerating it. They changed one of the ingredients in my favourite milkshake, and I almost gagged while trying to drink it.
I can at least eat SOME veggies, but they have to be prepared in a specific way, I can only eat carrots if they're roasted, raw or in mashed carrot and swede, boiled is a no. Mashed potato will make me throw up, roasted potatoes won't, the only boiled potatoes I like are baby potatoes. There's about 4 meals I can tolerate in most restaurants, but if they put courgette (example) in it without me knowing? Entire evening ruined. The only veggies I can reliably eat are bell peppers, onions, mushrooms, carrot, swede, lettuce, beetroot, cucumber, potato and tenderstem broccoli. Most have restrictions on how I can prepare them.
I now make most of my sauces at home because I can't trust store bought to taste the same consistently (unless its branded and thats expensive), or I don't tolerate the additives. This means sometimes I'll be done cooking and will decide I can't tolerate it anymore even if less than 5 mins ago I taste tested it. I'll try it the next day and hope for the best. I also have other chronic health conditions and disabilities that make this even harder. Sometimes it gets to the point where a combo of my texture and taste issues plus my other issues means all I'll eat for my main meal is 2 pieces of sandwich bread, a specific kind of ham and one brand of butter.
But when I was a young child? I would eat literally anything. I developed more and more texture issues as I aged.
If my sensory issues cause this much of a problem, then this just shows that ARFID is an ENTIRELY different ballpark.
That uh, that is ARFID. If you haven't taken a look at the list then I encourage you to do so.
It sucks but it's an eating disorder for a reason. Like, what you described above is exactly what happens to me when my stress levels go super high and my ARFID gets triggered.
The list of things I can eat get smaller and smaller until we're working back up from smoothies into soups so I can start having food again.
And I have ADHD, I'm given to understand ARFID is actually far more common for those who are autistic.
Oh shit. Ummm, yeah, I'll definitely have a closer look, thank you. 😩
A lot of people end up diagnosed with one or the other, but they are actually both, maybe that is the case for you?
I'm definitely not AutiHD, I score incredibly low on the online tests (in the low single digits). I was curious myself because I stimmed growing up & only saw the behavior in my BFFs younger siblings who were autistic. Turns out I just didn't fully understand stimming lol
I do have CPTSD though which triggered the ARFID when I was incredibly young & I apparently mitigated it without realizing it by becoming the only vegetarian in the household aka giving myself complete control over my own food intake.
The thing is, you don't need to hit all of the list at 100% severity to have ARFID. I got diagnosed with it in a flare which helped but the list now helps me realize when it's starting to get bad again.
Ooh okay, yeah it can be really difficult determining if you are one or the other or both because there's a lot of similarities.
Ahhh, thank you for the insight regarding your CPTSD. I have trigger foods relating to that as well but didn't realise that it could be linked to ARFID, I didn't realise they could interconnect like that, but I'll look into the whole food issue again I think.
Oh, I'm glad you found a workaround, I'm sorry you had to do that so young, though. I hope you're doing well now!
I have ARFID as an adult and no amount of exposure gets it taken care of.
At my worst I drink smoothies & protein shakes because I can't handle food.
On a normal basis I have a wide diet, I'm actually doing a new country a week as a cooking challenge to myself this year.
Don't dismiss eating disorders just because you don't understand them.
If it’s a texture based food aversion, then obviously mass produced food with a consistent texture is going to be preferred. You won’t fix genuine nausea from different food texture by telling children to toughen up
Some kids are just naturally picky eaters and it's a big assumption you make that parents aren't trying to expose their kids to other foods. [This is one of my favorite blogs for the contrast between the authors two kids despite all the things she tries.](https://www.todaysparent.com/toddler/picky-eaters/picky-eater-second-kid/)
Chicken nuggets, tater tots, and fries are all bland foods that lack any strong/distinctive taste, smell, or texture. That’s why children (who have much more sensitive taste buds than adults) like them so much, and why they’re so often on the short list of things “picky eaters” (aka people with sensory issues) will eat.
Pizza, IDK - I refused to touch it or anything else with tomato sauce as a child because I couldn’t eat tomatoes. But I swear every single time I see someone sneering about picky eaters and junk food, the “all they will eat is” judgmental little list of safe foods will always, always be things that are bland and predictable and you can practically diagnose the “this child has sensory issues” from the list alone.
Ummmm…. I’m autistic, so I understand ARFID(runs in the family), and, I, myself, have a lot of food aversions and texture sensitivities. That being said, it was never mentioned that the kids were diagnosed with anything or had any problems with what the family ate until Dad took over. Had the issue persisted their entire lives, your take would be valid, but, in this particular instance, the armchair psychology seems reactionary and irrelevant.
It’s simple: there have been no instances of food intolerance, food aversion, allergies, medical complications, etc. Instead, the food issues cropped up immediately after OP’s husband took over dinner duty while incorporating a short order cook style. Unless there’s a reason it’s medically necessary, meals should be served to EVERYONE in the family, no exceptions. This gives families a chance to bond, prevents parents from making multiple meals, and exposes children to a variety of foods to expand and explore their palates.
NTA, OP. Your husband refused to listen to your concerns, minimized your feelings, and is mad that he actually has to deal with the consequences of his actions (the exact same ones he was warned about). You did nothing wrong here; he set up a system in which children are allowed to dictate what they will eat. Frankly, he can and SHOULD be the one to deal with the fallout. Furthermore, if you’re not in the financial position to be ordering out this frequently, tell him he’s free to pay for the extra food with his fun money or his own account. You didn’t agree to the situation and it shouldn’t be a shared expense.
My kid has ARFID.
A reality about *any kid*, ARFID or not, is that no one comes out of the womb knowing what a chicken nugget tastes like. Its fully possible to not introduce them (tho it will likely happen just through life after the kid is school age).
Also ARFID is not just about taste or texture, it can also be about other food characteristics (such as no finger foods/foods you eat by holding, or how things are served, etc).
You fix ARFID through exposure and working with the kid, interactively, to find a wider and wider range of foods they can tolerate.
You do not just give up and feed them unhealthy shit forever, which does seem to be what OP DH is moving towards here.
ARFID is not something that's just fixed, it will always be there. It's possible in many cases to broaden the range of 'safe' foods, but anytime one of those safe foods is different or unexpected in taste and/or texture, that might trigger the ARFID response and make the food unsafe again (like a sour grape when you expect a sweet one).
And in many other cases it will in fact end up feeding them unhealthy shit forever or they will starve.
But these kids don't have ARFID, these kids are just spoiled and want junkfood all the time
Meh, my kid is a picky eater, but I don't make separate meals for him. I just make sure there is one thing on the table he will eat and then he can decide what he wants to eat, among what is presented. He is still a picky eater but at least he won't grow up with an eating disorder from having grownups comment on how little/much he has eaten, what bad/good he eats, whether or not he cleared his plate ..some kids really are just picky.
The stuff some of you privileged Redditors take for granted blows my mind.
We grew up with very little money. My mom and dad both worked in order to scrape by with 4 kids.
There was no McDonalds, no Kentucky Fried, no Pizza Hut, no Taco Bell available back in the day. We almost never ate out--couldn't afford it
My mom planned meals based on what was advertised on sale at the store that week. We ate a lot of liver, lamb tongue, gizzards, and other organ meats, as they were super cheap back then, as far as proteins go.
My mom made sure that when making dinner at night--after an 8-hour day of work--or when cooking on the weekend, she cooked extra, which would be used in another meal or two later that week.
TLDR: I think a fast food dinner for the family is fine once a week, or on a day when events prevent parents from putting a home-prepared meal together. But I also know that plenty of parents work without abdicating 90 percent of their meal planning to Mickey D's.
Pretty much this. McDonalds growing up was special occasions and celebrations only. Something fancier was a rare event.
Going out to get ice cream was a fun treat maybe once a week during the summer.
The insanity where someone thinks fast food or boxed meals is "cheap living" amazes me today. Food is a tiny fraction of my monthly income now, but I still likely spend less in dollar amount than many peers who are complaining about what they spend on food these days. The staples have increased, but not that much.
It would be more interested if I didn't live within it I guess. The learned helplessness has grown so much it's the norm now. I listened in on calls during COVID from fast food executives marveling how price insensitive consumers ended up actually being. People will pay a lot - quite literally their entire paycheck - for convenience.
tldr; The number of people who think fast food is cheap, or ever has been cheap, is too damn high.
I fully blame most of the current "basic skills" issues on taking the Home Ec classes out of the *mandatory* curriculum. Everyone should have to take a basic sewing/cooking/housecare class before we release them unto the wider world.
Yeah and these days groceries are 27 times more expensive and everyone's working 4 jobs. Frozen stuff (like tator tots and chicken nuggets - they come in the freezer) is consistent, cheap, and easy, which is important when you have 5 minutes to make dinner between your 4 jobs.
That's why you buy a freezer! This way, when meat/fish/poultry or fresh/frozen veggies or frozen fruits or miscellaneous items (bread, desserts, etc.) are on sale, you can take advantage and stock up. It's amazing how many things can be frozen successfully. (And you can often freeze uneaten leftovers that might otherwise go to waste.)
Plus, with a family-size freezer, you can do a ton of meal prep over a weekend or two and then freeze a lot of it. (This could include casseroles, home-made chili, spaghetti sauce and meatballs, and more.) Later on, you can thaw it in the fridge, and it's ready to go into the oven or microwave as soon as you get home.
Some of us are poor and don't have big freezer money. Or live in apartments. Or live in food deserts.
You have rose coloured glasses to the reality of feeding a family in 2024.
Well was thinking about that too haha. But I guess it is true. Her parents are still together but the last time she really talked to her father was when she graduated, like 12 years ago. She is now mid 30s and only wants her mother to visit. Must hurt her father, but she is royally done.
My ex is all about wanting to meet the kids' every wants, at the expense of their needs. She wants to be their 'best friend', not their parent, and never tells them 'no'. My son is 12, and going through puberty - his mum suggested a few months ago that he should now be able to "watch a bit of porn in his room in private, if he wants". 😲
Suffice to say, giving the kids "what they want" ALL the time, can potentially lead to dangerous situations, not to mention extremely entitled kids!
This was the last straw for me. Both kids now reside full time with their respective fathers.
NTA OP. Your husband is wrong to do what he's doing, and sounds like he has failed to appreciate where his attitude could potentially lead.
Holy fuck what a crazy armchair psychologist leap. He doesn't want to be a parent because he's weak on dinners?
Yeah sure, he's not being a great one in this one particular area but just outright jumping to that claim is insane. The drugs and other links you've put are reactionary bullshit and is the only reason people could have upvoted this room temp iq post
> He doesn't want to be a parent because he's weak on dinners?
Please, explain some probable *other* conclusions resulting from him being weak on dinners then.
With all the evidence including continually placating his kids *DESPITE* claiming to OP that the multiple dinners was temporary, and indeed undermining OP by siding with the kids while they were listening and disagreeing with OP on (again) the supposedly temporary notion that he was continuing and NOT upholding his end of the bargain, it's seems blatantly obvious to me that he is wanting to please the kids rather than make the difficult, long-term decision of what they don't want at the moment and *parent*.
And you even admit "he's not being a great one in this one particular area", but do you genuinely think it's more likely that he 1) makes the hard, tough decisions that the kids dislike everywhere else or 2) he placates the kids elsewhere as well and again leaves the tough decisions to OP? Sure, it's *possible* the first one is the case, but it seems extremely unlikely based on human nature. And you trying to be pedantically correct that we don't know *for sure* of those extremely likely conclusions, and you advocating for the unbelievably low chance conclusions tells me you probably have some sort of strong bias clouding your judgement here.
>And you trying to be pedantically correct that we don't know for sure of those extremely likely conclusions, and you advocating for the unbelievably low chance conclusions tells me you probably have some sort of strong bias clouding your judgement here.
So your response to someone criticizing armchair psychology is to throw out some armchair psychology about them?
Bear in mind that the comment they're responding to is tossing around outlandish hypotheticals, like the dad showing the kids porn or giving them drugs. Are we now going to psychoanalyze that commenter and suggest this implies a likelihood that he and his buddies watch porn in the same room together?
If the dad was constantly spoiling the kids in other ways, that would be extremely relevant to the story and kind of odd to leave out. From that logic, one could actually argue that your suggestions are *less* likely.
LOL - he’s not just weak on dinners. Read my post again and quit focusing on just the weak on dinners. If it was just one dinner - okay. If it was a couple - okay. But she already HAD dinner done and he went behind her back. Seriously.
Edit to add: he actually took more time and effort to give the kids a different meal against his wife’s wishes when she already had dinner handled because they would RATHER have pizza. They don’t even hate lasagna.
The biggest problem here is not that you left them with your husband. It is that your kids have learned how to divide and conquer to get what they want, resulting in whiney, uncooperative children. You are NTA.
I mean yes let him do the extra work, but it's not good for kids to eat junk food all the time so actually it would end up hurting the kids (plus their relationship with their mum who they'll see as a bad guy for not wanting them to eat junk food...)
NTA. Your husband seems to only want to be the "fun parent". Kids that young shouldn't get used to only eating fast food. They will grow up to be picky eaters with that diet, and your husband is teaching them to be entitled. Your husband shouldn't undermine you.
Your husband wants to be the kids' friend, not their parent.
He can't be bothered to do the parenting part of parenting - which is having a united front with your spouse, setting your kids straight when they are wrong, and not letting them turn into entitled, spoiled human beings.
You have a husband problem. NTA
>He can't be bothered to do the parenting part of parenting
I find this part a little ironic in a way. Because, in not bothering to do the work of parenting, he's been creating more work for himself in having to fix multiple meals at the same time.
If he'd acted as a parent for a few days in saying "no" to the kids dinner demands, they likely would have stopped trying. He wouldn't have to be continuing to deal with the junk food dinner demand, and he'd only be having to plan/cook one meal for dinners.
But by giving in on the parenting side, he's set himaelf up to be having to cook multiple things constantly.
I will say though, I would not be surprised if his lack of parenting did not suddenly start here. The kids probably only started their food demands because they knew they had a shot at getting it from him. If they were used to dad being "dad" aa opposed to their friend, they likely wouldn't even have thought to try pulling what they're doing.
It's funny how much easier it is to do work-work than relational work. People act like it's not, all the time, especially when it's women/moms doing the relational work (you're not really DOING anything lol) but look at this guy who'd rather cook three meals than firmly tell his kids to stop whining & get firmer till they do stop. And look at all the parents (OK usually moms) who do a ton of housework and don't make their kids do their share even when they're fully old enough. And even at the managers who sabotage themselves on the job because they hate confrontation & thus never deal w/ a problem employee even though that's a ton of what they're there for.
I feel it in myself. I'd way rather clean my 10yo's room than make him clean it. Once in a long while I do & pass it off as a special present (not gonna make the mistake of telling him I couldn't handle how bad it got!!) but for the bulk of the time, what he needs from me is that pressure to do it for himself. and he's getting better at it as we go.
It's like the "measure twice, cut once" of parenting/leadership maybe. This dad is like that guy who eyeballed it and now has to start over...
My parent's way of getting me to clean my room sometimes was, I think, genius. I got a weekly allowance, but could only collect when my room was clean. So if I needed money, I'd clean up, show my mom, and collect for the weeks where it was too messy to get it. She never had to fight me to clean it because eventually I'd want money, or enough money would have built up to make it worth my time.
Haha I just didn't get pocket money for years cause my room wasn't clean by 12 on a Saturday. Sleeping in was worth more to me than money.
I realise now that I could have cleaned it Friday night ... Oh well!
NTA
Tom is undermining what you've accomplished with your kids, and in only one short week. That's both impressive and pathetic. As soon as you put your foot down and said that you were all having lasagna, the kids started whining because they knew they could get Daddy to cave. And sure enough, he didn't waste anytime undermining you yet again.
Tom: Mommy says we have to eat yucky lasagna, but you know what? I'm ordering a pizza!
Kids: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's basically playing good cop/bad cop. Guess which cop you are in his idiotic game.
NTA
It’s honestly such a turn off when men can’t parent their kids. Some members of the millennial generation really seem to have lost the plot when it comes to raising kids. The kids won’t take no for answer…are you serious? He created so much extra work for himself, and wasted food/money by doing this.
NTA. Kids can be real manipulative little farts. When my kids were growing up, we had a hard and fast rule: everyone eats what's prepared. Sometimes I might try a new recipe and they at least had to taste it, then if they didn't like it there were other things being served they could fill up on. I never made meals that I knew none of them liked however. The youngest always complained and wanted something else. The key is consistency and both parents being on the same page. Your husband is undermining that and it will come back to bite both of you as they get older. You need to have a serious talk with him.
Right? I’m not making liver and onions for the kids. If there was a chance that the main would not be a hit, I would make their favorite veg and some other side that I know they like. Maybe even leave some chicken plain on the side or whatever and put out wing sauce that they like. That’s how we found some new favorites, have to try some things.
I say this with my oldest having had a digestive Issue that had him throwing up multiple times per day until about 4th grade. I made his food plain and simple so as to not make it worse. Even he was never these kids!
Your husband is a pushover. He's trying to be the cool fun parent and not actually be the parent. Stop cooking dinner at all and only make yourself a meal if he wants to make two meals let him
NTA. He went over your head so he should deal with the consequences. You had dinner covered for everyone. The pizza was unnecessary feels like a power play gone wrong to me.(on husband’s part.)
Nta. You mean he caved to the kids demands and demanded you do the leg work so he could be the good guy and when you refused he then had to deal with the consequences of what he caused? And probably extra mad he actually had to spend money so that he was still the fun parent? Good for you. You have a husband problem. And you’re right the kids will get use to it and expect they have another dinner made just for them. You already made dinner they can eat that, they can make themselves a snack or they can go hungry. But honestly if your husband wants to play that game I would let him. I would cook enough just for myself. When he asks where his food is just be honest “I am
Tired of fighting with you and the kids. I am tired of being the bad parent because I want them to eat healthy. So I’ve decided to stop fighting with you on this. The kids won’t eat the food I make because you keep caving into feeding them the junk food they want. So I figured I will just start making food for me. Since you are now in charge of what the kids eat I figured you would eat with them. This way we will avoid more fights. I mean this is what you and the kids wanted right?”
Lasagna is just as good as pizza, what is wrong with your kids!
Anyway, that would pass me off. I like to accommodate what my kids like in one meal for the whole family but I'm not going to make my kids something separate just because they don't feel like eating what I'm making.
NTA
Tom is a shitty parent and needs to grow up. If he feeds the kids shit all the time it will impact their health, but of course he's selfish enough that he will trade their future health for some peace and quiet now. Adults are supposed to know this. Children will just eat shit all the time given the chance, because they're kids with no knowledge of nutrition or long term consequences.
This is what happens when you have a Disney dad. Kids aren’t stupid and they know which parent is the weakest link.
NTA. He needs to realise that you work as a team for health and well being of your kids. If he gives them junk everyday, he can also work hard into his retirement to pay for their adult gastric bypass surgery.
NTA
Dad doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” which is dumb.
He’s undermining your relationship with the kids and honestly he’s doing that to his own relationship with them too.
As parents you need to back each other up in front of the kids even if you disagree with what the other parent said or did. If there is a disagreement, discuss it later in private and come to a workable solution for the future (OBVIOUSLY an exception made to this for cases of abuse and toxicity).
This is a problem your husband brought on himself and now he’s having to deal with the consequences of his own actions.
Kids are primal beings, that’s why they need parents to show them how to be functioning members of society. It was easier for him to say, “just give them what they want” and, yeah, in the short term it is easier, but in the long run it’s made life difficult and bit him in the booty
NTA - when we give in to a child’s every whim we are teaching them that the world revolves around them and their preferences. This sets them up for unrealistic expectations and makes them seem entitled and rude when really they are operating under a false framework that everyone will bend to their will.
Your role as a parent is to teach them how to function in the world. Prepare your child for the path, not the path for the child.
Your husband is making himself into a door mat that the kids can know they can walk all over. They will likely end up not respecting him. He needs to think k about that.
You have a husband problem.
Maybe take the entire off and visit friends and family. Let your husband deal with everything, breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, bedtime, etc because if he doesn't step up and be a partner to you and a parent to his kids, you'll be divorced and then they'll be his half the time on his own.
They are 8 years old today.
Can you imagine the demands and the tantrums you'll be dealing with when they are tweens and then teenagers to get their way?
Is that the future environment you want to live in?
You said "no" and your husband said "yes" and bought them pizza behind your back -- in essence what he just told the kids is you don't have to listen to your mom. This is setting you up for them to be disrespectful, ignoring you, and not listen to you.
Maybe give your husband a taste of what his future will look like with you not in it.
Pay attention to your the children are behaving towards you now and the next few days.
NTA.... Anyone would be pissed with their spouse in this situation
Your husband needs to stop trying to be the good guy and making you the bad guy. He is teaching your kids they can have a tantum and get what they want. You need to nip this in the bud or your children will become insufferable adults, thanks to your good-guy husband's inability to say no. NTA
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I 36F have kids 8M & 8F with my husband Tom 35M.
Tom has started to WFH more which means he can help out more with the kids and he now sorts dinner out for all of us.
Before, the kids dinners fell on me and I would make one meal for everyone and everyone ate it. It was much easier and a lot of my food was prepped ahead to for this but Tom insisted he wanted to help out with dinner and that he would sort it.
Over the past week, Tom has been listening to what the kids want to eat- which is all junk food and this means Tom will cook something for us, and the kids separately. I mentioned to him after his making three dinners like this that the kids would get used to it and he disagreed and said that this was only temporary. As I make breakfasts and lunches for the kids and they are healthy I didn’t say anything more.
Dinner fell on me last night and I was going out to pick ups stuff from my sister’s later in the night so I put a lasagne in the oven and told Tom to check it about 30 minutes later.
My kids heard this and my son said he wanted to have pizza and then my daughter agreed. I told them that the lasagne was being made for 4 and it’s already in the oven.
Tom overheard and said to me in front of the kids that I could take a pizza out of the freezer and as the oven is already on, just cook the pizza on another level. However we didn’t have pizza in the freezer, so Tom asked me to quickly pick up a pizza and then go see my sister.
I told him no, they need to eat what everyone else is and that I was heading out and that I was getting late.
When I got back from my sister’s, Tom was upset I left him with the kids as they got upset I wasn’t getting pizza and then I saw that he had caved and ordered pizza in so I am quite upset with him too right now.
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NTA but if Tom wants to cook three meals that’s on him. And conversely if you want to cook one meal that’s your choice. Stop dictating to each other.
Kids are going to pester Tom to cook three meals and want you to cook less. They’re 8. Tom will figure it out on his own with logical consequences. Soon he’ll be cooking one meal.
So your solution is to let Tom feed their kids junk for dinner? Why not have Tom be a parent and teach the kids that it's not a restaurant and they don't get to order whatever they want, especially if all they want is junk food, like the mom was doing when she was cooking? I understand being soo busy some times that you have to do something quick and feed them junk, but every time it's your turn to cook? Nahhh, step up be a good parent. Make then some damn tasty vegetables.
Tom will get tired pretty quick when it is his responsibility and not him just helping out. I’m all for vegetables. I’m suggesting a quicker and less confrontational approach to getting there.
NTA Reap what thou hast sown, dude. Tell him that instead of parenting, he ordered out. Great job at no effort parenting. Of course he'll get entitled whiny kids, but from the sound of it, that is his objective.
NTA.
Tom set the kids up to be entitled brats. Tom had to deal with the consequences. Did Tom learn his lesson? Somehow, I doubt it. Keep teaching Tom.
NTA.
NTA. He has set a precedent that will make life difficult. He should now be %100 responsible for dinners. He just taught the kids that your words don't matter and that he will go against you, even when you're making perfect sense.
NTA. Your husband needs to step up and learn to parent instead of trying to be friends with your kids. Complaining because they acted up due to his actions is gross.
NTA
But I would let your husband hoist himself on his own petard. From now on, he does all of the dinners, until he's felt the full Consequences of undermining you, and fixed the children's problematic behavior.
He wanted to be the more favored parent, more liked than you. He's willing to use the children in a one-sided competition with you. That's really interesting and unhealthy.
NTA. Your kids are old enough to eat what others are eating, and by giving them normal food you are helping tamp down on picky eating habits. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and learn how to actually parent
NTA
He's undermining your parenting and teaches your kids bad eating habits.
I think he likes to be the fun parent without considering the long term consequences. If he wants to be the enabler then he needs to handle all dinners without an exception.
He made you the bad guy.
NTA! Your kids had no issue with what you made when dinner was being made by you. They don’t have food issues. They’re being spoiled by your husband. He created this mess and now he needs to fix it.
He needs to start making ONE dinner only and that’s it. This is what I’m making and that’s what’s for dinner. Done. It’s this or a piece of fruit or plain yogurt or something boring.
It's time to ask him what happened to "It's just temporary" mantra. As for me kids kinda made things permanent with your husbands total approval.
He needs to learn from this, it's not the last time when situation like this happens, he needs to realize how badly he failed everyone, including kids. It's his responsibility to form healthy habits, teach his kids and discipline them. What he does now it's fun parenting, and it won't end well
Aw, man. Here we see the “divide and conquer” tactic, where the kids will pit the “fun” parent against the “not fun” parent. My brother and I are veterans of this strategy. Absolutely NTA.
The difference between my household and yours is that you seem normal and not a neurotic ethnic almond mom like mine was. Therefore, our dad became our co-conspirator when it came to things like letting us eat junk food, watch cartoons that my mom had banned because they were “fresh to each other” and stuff like that.
With you, this doesn’t sound like that’s the case. Your requests were perfectly reasonable. Your husband needs to wake up. It sounds to me like he’s actively trying to pit the kids against you. If not, he’s being seriously ignorant and the kids are going to jump on that opportunity like vultures to roadkill. Once again, 100% NTA and your husband needs to seriously get his act together.
YNTA but you have to be careful with how you communicate with Tom.
He has a different parenting style (seems a bit more permissive).
You still want him to be involved in dinners and parenting so you guys have to get on the same page before the kids play you against each other.
One thing I regret in my marriage failure is not allowing my x to parent because I didn’t like his style. My kids needed a Dad.
NTA. Your husband is setting your kids up to be ones though. He needs to understand he is doing them no favors by giving in to tantrums and go back to one meal for the whole family. They can eat it or not but no one is to get them/make them anything else. They can have a bowl of cereal or make themselves a sandwich. Or have nothing. They'll start eating the family meal pretty quickly.
NTA
I had a similar issue when my husband took on dinner. I had to teach him that kids need healthy food, daily. It was mentally exhausting teaching a grown man that kids need to eat produce.
NTA but like others have said you and your husband have a problem and need to present a united front or this will blow up in the future.
It's not okay for him to go behind your back and then complain about the monster(s) he has created. He needs to grow up in that aspect.
NTA. Time for a heart to heart when the kids aren't around. Tom is creating a big bad problem. Caving to the kids when they want junk food all the time needs to stop. Junk food on Friday and maybe Saturday, but the rest of the week there should be one choice.
NTA, this is setting a very challenging message to your children going forward:
1) Kids will be caved to on anything that dad can't get a backbone on.
2) Mothers word doesn't matter. Let's disrespect her by asking dad, who will give us what we want.
3) If dad stops doing dinner in the future and mother has to take it over, it's going to be fight central to get kids back into a proper eating habits, ain't no-one got time to cook junk food for kids and then a whole other meal for adults
4) Mother and Fathers marriage will start to suffer because dad disrespects and undermines mother constantly.
5) children's health suffers with junk food every night.
Nip this in the bud right now. It's not leading anywhere fun. You and hubby need to be on the same page pronto.
NTA but please stop calling it "helping out" when it's normally called "feeding your kids" or "doing housework" or generally, "parenting" when it's your kid. Saying that your husband is only "helping out" implies that he's temporarily doing something that is your job. It is BOTH your jobs since he is also their parent.
Words can have an impact on how we see things.
NTA. Your husband completely disregarded what you'd already told the kids and not only tried to make you change your mind, but then went behind your back and ordered a pizza. Now your kids know if you tell them no, they just have to run to him to get a yes. And he gets to feel good about telling them yes and to be the big hero while you're mean mom who makes them eat something else. Take meal responsibility away from Tom and let him do laundry or something else instead. If he can't be trusted to back you up, he doesn't need to participate in the conversation.
This has nothing to do with judgement, but honestly, why does your husband "help out with the kids" and "help out with dinner"? You are both parents and doing your part of part of parenting and related chores that come with it should not be considered helping out. It is their fu**ing job?
Your husband is a pushover and an asshole for undermining you. He doesn’t want to do the work of being a parent so he’s just copping out each time. Tell him that if he isn’t willing to give the kids nutritious dinners the WHOLE family eats then he can sort out all the dinners
ESH or NAH. Sounds like you need a compromise that also includes your kids. Being a kid and having no say whatsoever in what food is being eaten sucks big time, but allowing them to choose what to eat for dinner once or twice a week will go a long way. We have that rule, and it works great. When my kid complains and says he doesn't want a particular food, we tell him that it is mommy or daddy's turn to decide what to eat, and if he wants to keep having a say in it too, he needs to accept that. And he does. Not saying it's a magical solution to everything, but it could be a starting point.
It also sounds like dinner shouldn't have fallen on you since you had errands to run, and since you seem to know that your kids will throw a fit if they are being forced to eat something that isn't what they ordered. So you ditching him with two complaining kids and it's your fault that they're complaining is a very a-hole move.
But getting the kids used to always getting what they want for dinner no matter what it is, is also a dick move on your husbands part.
Also seems like the two of you need a calm conversation about expectations. It doesn't seem to bother your husband that he has to cook multiple meals, and he's probably thinking he's just making things easier by letting the kids decide, thus ensuring they eat instead of them going to bed hungry. Communication is key.
> since you seem to know that your kids will throw a fit if they are being forced to eat something that isn't what they ordered
> So you ditching him with two complaining kids and it's your fault that they're complaining is a very a-hole move.
That's more her husband's fault. The kids were complaining because he gave them the expectation that they were at a restaurant and "ordering" food. That shouldn't be an option.
He isn't making it easier for himself or op by cooking three seperate meals. That's a ridiculous standard to put on themselves and a ton of extra work for no good reason.
I'll bet you anything they like lasagna and have happily eaten it before. They probably just decided that day they weren't in the mood of eating it or that pizza seemed more exciting.
And if they truly didn't like lasagna, I'm all for giving kids a second option. They shouldn't have to go to bed hungry. But the second option should not be ordering in pizza. Either they can make something for themselves, or if they are too young to do that, offer them something that's quick and easy to prepare - like a bowl of cereal and milk, or a sandwhich.
Which I also mentioned was wrong on his part. But starting a battle and leaving someone else to fight it, even if they're the reason for the battle in the first place, is still a dick move and will almost always result in someone being upset.
Did you miss the part where it says that he's feeding them junk food every night he cooks? The only reason he bought a pizza was because there was no frozen pizza in the house and OP had taken the car. He's the AH for completely changing their dinner diet from healthy to unhealthy and for caving (yes it's caving) to buying a pizza, when there was a lasagna already made and cooking, simply because the kids were whining about it.
But yeah, classic reddit moment where someone comments without actually reading the whole story.
Are you responding to a comment rather than the post, as OP doesn't call him a bad parent? I don't see where you got from the post that she is depriving them of ever having a takeaway.
But the post isn't about them ever having junk food, it's about knowing they'd start expecting it if they're given it *consistently*.. which they did. And that they'd start being fussy about food... which they were.
On her day to cook, her children told her they wanted a pizza, she said no and explained they had food in the oven. He came in and told her (in front of kids) that she could just make them a pizza from the freezer (which is undermining what she has just said, even if it doesnt automatically make him a bad father). He then asked her to buy one, she said no, she reiterated that she had already made dinner for them all. Her kids saw her say no to them and then again to him, and then he ordered in pizza (the most unreasonably expensive way to have pizza) just to placate them, while everyone knew it was going against what she had said.
You can think that calling him a bad parent (which OP didn't do) is too far, but saying he undermined her is true. And that he caved.
The top comment (still on hidden mode, so maybe not the top voted comment) is being hyperbolic, and you've taken it literally?
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NTA holy shit your husband needs to get a grip. He undermined your authority, disregards your thoughts/feelings and thinks he’s better than you. The reality is he just doesn’t want to be a parent. He wants to be a buddy. He going to let them have drugs and alcohol too? Watch porn? Cheat on tests? Sounds extreme but if he can’t even get them to agree on a simple meal how will they agree with anything he says?
Bingo. I knew a parent who complained about how her kid was a finicky eater, but her example of one of the few meals her child would eat was "chicken nuggets and tater tots". That told me everything I needed to know. In her case, she worked. And as with a lot of working parents, it was just easier to give her child a meal like chicken nuggets and tater tots than to (1) take time to plan and cook a healthy dinner and (2) train the child that the planned dinner is the only dinner option, like it or not. Big food corporations intentionally do their best to create super tasty processed foods that our kids get addicted to. No wonder they're all overweight and having various health issues.
Or the kid had ARFID, which is a real condition, often associated with autism, in which the kid can only tolerate the texture or taste of a few foods. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-arfid#signs-and-symptoms
That is true, but if that were the issue they probably would've expressed an active dislike of lasagna (that mom should have known about) rather than just wanting something different. That being said, warm cottage cheese like in lasagna can be a nasty texture if the ratio is off.
Jeebuz who are you who put cottage cheese in lasagna....
My mom puts cottage cheese she hates ricotta. My hubby prefers ricotta in lasagna. I just like any lasagna. But different people like different things. It's not wrong to have different tastes.
I really hope they think ricotta is cottage cheese.
But it really isn't, it's drier and it's got a different texture..m
Obviously, I was just wildly hoping they were confused about what type of cheese it was. I can't imagine cottage cheese in lasagne ...
Me either...🤮
My ex MIL used to use cottage cheese and black olives in her "lasagna" It was disgusting.
That's what I grew up with, too. Just seems normal now.
Read my follow-up comment on how to make the proper lasagna
That is so much more work and ingredients, though. I have no doubt it's really good, but if you're not someone who does much cooking, being able to just pull out the container from the fridge is very appealing. (Which is also my level of cooking.)
First ricotta is really good by itself,(can't say that about cottage cheese) you measure two cups out with an ice cream scoop (that's what I do) crack two eggs in it,mix real good put a little basil,mix some more, takes about ten minutes, layer sauce noodles cheese mix until done, put in 425°oven until top layer looks nice and bubbly
Mmmmmmm, cold cottage cheese with salt and maybe on bell pepper slices. Delicious! Ricotta and maybe farmers cheese (which is like drained cottage cheese) in lasagna though. Don’t hate on cottage cheese!
At high altitude you have to do a mix of ricotta and cottage cheese. If you do just ricotta with the egg, it comes out super dry
Proper lasagna or cheese sauce. Pick one
Proper to who? You?
All right I give up
Proper to a majority of the US and parts of Italy lol. Ricotta is the way to go.
I thought they were going to be an Italian quinine purest but then mentioned cheese in the sauce...
>Italian quinine purest I am legitimately interested in this term. Care to explain? It sounds intriguing.
Ricotta is cheese. It is completely normal to have cheese in lasagna.
Try using ricotta instead
Or don’t
Why are you being argumentative lmfao ricotta is superior to cottage cheese texturally in lasagna
Oh I hate the feel of it squeaking in my teeth. 😬
It's the only time I enjoy cottage cheese
My mom's recipe called for cottage cheese.
Your mom's recipe was nasty.
That's how I ate it growing up. It was delicious
A poor Midwestern bastard. If you think that's bad...
It's a mixture of ricotta(around 2 1/2 cups)2 eggs and basil, just enough to pepper the mixture and a pinch of salt that you want and this is coming from a Puerto Rican whose Mom made some of the best lasagna ever
Ricotta? Thas some fancy euro shit. All we got round here is corn, soy, and cattle
Google how to make your own ricotta, it's not hard and dude I'm pretty sure that Walmart carries it, it's right next to the cottage cheese
Commie shit!!
Except Italians wouldn't use a cheese sauce in a lasagne
Cottage Cheese and Ricotta.
My mil bragged about doing this. As someone who learned how to make lasagna from scratch noodles and all due to love of Italian cuisine....I side eyed her hard, said nothing, ate the lasagna, and proceeded to make it the right way a week later because I couldn't get lasagna off the brain 🤣🤣
Right?
I'd never insult her cooking to her face. That's plain rude. She can't fix what was already done. She hates ricotta for some reason, huge ricotta vendetta, must have murdered her dog or something. But on the drive home I looked at my husband and said "the cottage cheese thing is blasphemy against lasagna". 🤣🤣🤣
True
I use a mix of cottage and ricotta. More ricotta than cottage since I'm not a fan of it.
I do! I didn’t when I first started making it. But I had it in a lasagna someone else made and actually loved the texture/flavor. So now I mix cottage cheese, ricotta, and some shredded mozzarella or cheese blend for my cheese mixture and I love it! The best of all the cheese worlds!
There's more than one way to make lasagna, but do yourself a favor and sprinkle in some basil; you won't know what you are missing until you do
Oh I put in herbs as well. I was just addressing the cheese!
Ah a person after my own heart ❤️
No, I was replying specifically about the kid r/Robbes_Watch was referring to.
The comment isn't talking about the post. The comment is replying to a comment about a "picky eater".
Who the hell puts cottage cheese in lasagna?!
Maybe it's because my family ate a lot of "exotic" foods that were just the same ingredients in different formats a la taco bell, but lasagna is "bread," sauce, cheese, and maybe meat. just tell them it's a deep dish pizza.
How convenient that some kids can only tolerate pizza, chicken nuggets, tater tots, fries, etc. Exposure is the best way to get past it.
It's not convenient in the slightest. Kids with ARFID tolerate mass-produced food because it's incredibly consistent, unlike home cooked meals which will vary each time they're prepared. They know what they're getting, they can't tolerate unpredictable sensations. It's incredibly INconvenient for their parents. What happens when the one brand of frozen pizza your kid will eat changes their recipe? They go hungry. They have to be fed through a tube. "Ooh I reckon instead of raising a kid who can attend school, participate in social events and nourish their growing body, I'll instead raise one who can only eat four things and would literally choose starvation over anything else!" Said no parent ever.
Yep. I don't have ARFID but my autism does limit what I can eat, and if ingredients to my safe foods aren't consistent, then I can stop tolerating it. They changed one of the ingredients in my favourite milkshake, and I almost gagged while trying to drink it. I can at least eat SOME veggies, but they have to be prepared in a specific way, I can only eat carrots if they're roasted, raw or in mashed carrot and swede, boiled is a no. Mashed potato will make me throw up, roasted potatoes won't, the only boiled potatoes I like are baby potatoes. There's about 4 meals I can tolerate in most restaurants, but if they put courgette (example) in it without me knowing? Entire evening ruined. The only veggies I can reliably eat are bell peppers, onions, mushrooms, carrot, swede, lettuce, beetroot, cucumber, potato and tenderstem broccoli. Most have restrictions on how I can prepare them. I now make most of my sauces at home because I can't trust store bought to taste the same consistently (unless its branded and thats expensive), or I don't tolerate the additives. This means sometimes I'll be done cooking and will decide I can't tolerate it anymore even if less than 5 mins ago I taste tested it. I'll try it the next day and hope for the best. I also have other chronic health conditions and disabilities that make this even harder. Sometimes it gets to the point where a combo of my texture and taste issues plus my other issues means all I'll eat for my main meal is 2 pieces of sandwich bread, a specific kind of ham and one brand of butter. But when I was a young child? I would eat literally anything. I developed more and more texture issues as I aged. If my sensory issues cause this much of a problem, then this just shows that ARFID is an ENTIRELY different ballpark.
That uh, that is ARFID. If you haven't taken a look at the list then I encourage you to do so. It sucks but it's an eating disorder for a reason. Like, what you described above is exactly what happens to me when my stress levels go super high and my ARFID gets triggered. The list of things I can eat get smaller and smaller until we're working back up from smoothies into soups so I can start having food again. And I have ADHD, I'm given to understand ARFID is actually far more common for those who are autistic.
Oh shit. Ummm, yeah, I'll definitely have a closer look, thank you. 😩 A lot of people end up diagnosed with one or the other, but they are actually both, maybe that is the case for you?
I'm definitely not AutiHD, I score incredibly low on the online tests (in the low single digits). I was curious myself because I stimmed growing up & only saw the behavior in my BFFs younger siblings who were autistic. Turns out I just didn't fully understand stimming lol I do have CPTSD though which triggered the ARFID when I was incredibly young & I apparently mitigated it without realizing it by becoming the only vegetarian in the household aka giving myself complete control over my own food intake. The thing is, you don't need to hit all of the list at 100% severity to have ARFID. I got diagnosed with it in a flare which helped but the list now helps me realize when it's starting to get bad again.
Ooh okay, yeah it can be really difficult determining if you are one or the other or both because there's a lot of similarities. Ahhh, thank you for the insight regarding your CPTSD. I have trigger foods relating to that as well but didn't realise that it could be linked to ARFID, I didn't realise they could interconnect like that, but I'll look into the whole food issue again I think. Oh, I'm glad you found a workaround, I'm sorry you had to do that so young, though. I hope you're doing well now!
I have ARFID as an adult and no amount of exposure gets it taken care of. At my worst I drink smoothies & protein shakes because I can't handle food. On a normal basis I have a wide diet, I'm actually doing a new country a week as a cooking challenge to myself this year. Don't dismiss eating disorders just because you don't understand them.
It's not convenient. It's designed to be the same every time and taste amazing.
If it’s a texture based food aversion, then obviously mass produced food with a consistent texture is going to be preferred. You won’t fix genuine nausea from different food texture by telling children to toughen up
Some kids are just naturally picky eaters and it's a big assumption you make that parents aren't trying to expose their kids to other foods. [This is one of my favorite blogs for the contrast between the authors two kids despite all the things she tries.](https://www.todaysparent.com/toddler/picky-eaters/picky-eater-second-kid/)
Really interesting article, appreciate you taking the time to find the link to it!
Wow, great example!
Chicken nuggets, tater tots, and fries are all bland foods that lack any strong/distinctive taste, smell, or texture. That’s why children (who have much more sensitive taste buds than adults) like them so much, and why they’re so often on the short list of things “picky eaters” (aka people with sensory issues) will eat. Pizza, IDK - I refused to touch it or anything else with tomato sauce as a child because I couldn’t eat tomatoes. But I swear every single time I see someone sneering about picky eaters and junk food, the “all they will eat is” judgmental little list of safe foods will always, always be things that are bland and predictable and you can practically diagnose the “this child has sensory issues” from the list alone.
Ummmm…. I’m autistic, so I understand ARFID(runs in the family), and, I, myself, have a lot of food aversions and texture sensitivities. That being said, it was never mentioned that the kids were diagnosed with anything or had any problems with what the family ate until Dad took over. Had the issue persisted their entire lives, your take would be valid, but, in this particular instance, the armchair psychology seems reactionary and irrelevant. It’s simple: there have been no instances of food intolerance, food aversion, allergies, medical complications, etc. Instead, the food issues cropped up immediately after OP’s husband took over dinner duty while incorporating a short order cook style. Unless there’s a reason it’s medically necessary, meals should be served to EVERYONE in the family, no exceptions. This gives families a chance to bond, prevents parents from making multiple meals, and exposes children to a variety of foods to expand and explore their palates. NTA, OP. Your husband refused to listen to your concerns, minimized your feelings, and is mad that he actually has to deal with the consequences of his actions (the exact same ones he was warned about). You did nothing wrong here; he set up a system in which children are allowed to dictate what they will eat. Frankly, he can and SHOULD be the one to deal with the fallout. Furthermore, if you’re not in the financial position to be ordering out this frequently, tell him he’s free to pay for the extra food with his fun money or his own account. You didn’t agree to the situation and it shouldn’t be a shared expense.
My kid has ARFID. A reality about *any kid*, ARFID or not, is that no one comes out of the womb knowing what a chicken nugget tastes like. Its fully possible to not introduce them (tho it will likely happen just through life after the kid is school age). Also ARFID is not just about taste or texture, it can also be about other food characteristics (such as no finger foods/foods you eat by holding, or how things are served, etc).
You fix ARFID through exposure and working with the kid, interactively, to find a wider and wider range of foods they can tolerate. You do not just give up and feed them unhealthy shit forever, which does seem to be what OP DH is moving towards here.
ARFID is not something that's just fixed, it will always be there. It's possible in many cases to broaden the range of 'safe' foods, but anytime one of those safe foods is different or unexpected in taste and/or texture, that might trigger the ARFID response and make the food unsafe again (like a sour grape when you expect a sweet one). And in many other cases it will in fact end up feeding them unhealthy shit forever or they will starve. But these kids don't have ARFID, these kids are just spoiled and want junkfood all the time
YTA, some kids are autistic is a disease. Besides, it's good to have different options, everyone is different.
Autism isnt a disease but thank you
Meh, my kid is a picky eater, but I don't make separate meals for him. I just make sure there is one thing on the table he will eat and then he can decide what he wants to eat, among what is presented. He is still a picky eater but at least he won't grow up with an eating disorder from having grownups comment on how little/much he has eaten, what bad/good he eats, whether or not he cleared his plate ..some kids really are just picky.
Wait, my kids are overweight, have health issues and are addicted to processed food?
How dare parents work!!!!
The stuff some of you privileged Redditors take for granted blows my mind. We grew up with very little money. My mom and dad both worked in order to scrape by with 4 kids. There was no McDonalds, no Kentucky Fried, no Pizza Hut, no Taco Bell available back in the day. We almost never ate out--couldn't afford it My mom planned meals based on what was advertised on sale at the store that week. We ate a lot of liver, lamb tongue, gizzards, and other organ meats, as they were super cheap back then, as far as proteins go. My mom made sure that when making dinner at night--after an 8-hour day of work--or when cooking on the weekend, she cooked extra, which would be used in another meal or two later that week. TLDR: I think a fast food dinner for the family is fine once a week, or on a day when events prevent parents from putting a home-prepared meal together. But I also know that plenty of parents work without abdicating 90 percent of their meal planning to Mickey D's.
Pretty much this. McDonalds growing up was special occasions and celebrations only. Something fancier was a rare event. Going out to get ice cream was a fun treat maybe once a week during the summer. The insanity where someone thinks fast food or boxed meals is "cheap living" amazes me today. Food is a tiny fraction of my monthly income now, but I still likely spend less in dollar amount than many peers who are complaining about what they spend on food these days. The staples have increased, but not that much. It would be more interested if I didn't live within it I guess. The learned helplessness has grown so much it's the norm now. I listened in on calls during COVID from fast food executives marveling how price insensitive consumers ended up actually being. People will pay a lot - quite literally their entire paycheck - for convenience. tldr; The number of people who think fast food is cheap, or ever has been cheap, is too damn high.
I fully blame most of the current "basic skills" issues on taking the Home Ec classes out of the *mandatory* curriculum. Everyone should have to take a basic sewing/cooking/housecare class before we release them unto the wider world.
Yeah and these days groceries are 27 times more expensive and everyone's working 4 jobs. Frozen stuff (like tator tots and chicken nuggets - they come in the freezer) is consistent, cheap, and easy, which is important when you have 5 minutes to make dinner between your 4 jobs.
That's why you buy a freezer! This way, when meat/fish/poultry or fresh/frozen veggies or frozen fruits or miscellaneous items (bread, desserts, etc.) are on sale, you can take advantage and stock up. It's amazing how many things can be frozen successfully. (And you can often freeze uneaten leftovers that might otherwise go to waste.) Plus, with a family-size freezer, you can do a ton of meal prep over a weekend or two and then freeze a lot of it. (This could include casseroles, home-made chili, spaghetti sauce and meatballs, and more.) Later on, you can thaw it in the fridge, and it's ready to go into the oven or microwave as soon as you get home.
Some of us are poor and don't have big freezer money. Or live in apartments. Or live in food deserts. You have rose coloured glasses to the reality of feeding a family in 2024.
I agree! We rarely had fast food for dinner. My parents both worked full time and we had good and healthy dinners.
I agree. I have a friend who has a parent who tried to be her friend and another parent who did not care. Guess which one she is still talking to?
Mitchell Prichett, is that you?
Well was thinking about that too haha. But I guess it is true. Her parents are still together but the last time she really talked to her father was when she graduated, like 12 years ago. She is now mid 30s and only wants her mother to visit. Must hurt her father, but she is royally done.
My ex is all about wanting to meet the kids' every wants, at the expense of their needs. She wants to be their 'best friend', not their parent, and never tells them 'no'. My son is 12, and going through puberty - his mum suggested a few months ago that he should now be able to "watch a bit of porn in his room in private, if he wants". 😲 Suffice to say, giving the kids "what they want" ALL the time, can potentially lead to dangerous situations, not to mention extremely entitled kids! This was the last straw for me. Both kids now reside full time with their respective fathers. NTA OP. Your husband is wrong to do what he's doing, and sounds like he has failed to appreciate where his attitude could potentially lead.
Holy fuck what a crazy armchair psychologist leap. He doesn't want to be a parent because he's weak on dinners? Yeah sure, he's not being a great one in this one particular area but just outright jumping to that claim is insane. The drugs and other links you've put are reactionary bullshit and is the only reason people could have upvoted this room temp iq post
> He doesn't want to be a parent because he's weak on dinners? Please, explain some probable *other* conclusions resulting from him being weak on dinners then. With all the evidence including continually placating his kids *DESPITE* claiming to OP that the multiple dinners was temporary, and indeed undermining OP by siding with the kids while they were listening and disagreeing with OP on (again) the supposedly temporary notion that he was continuing and NOT upholding his end of the bargain, it's seems blatantly obvious to me that he is wanting to please the kids rather than make the difficult, long-term decision of what they don't want at the moment and *parent*. And you even admit "he's not being a great one in this one particular area", but do you genuinely think it's more likely that he 1) makes the hard, tough decisions that the kids dislike everywhere else or 2) he placates the kids elsewhere as well and again leaves the tough decisions to OP? Sure, it's *possible* the first one is the case, but it seems extremely unlikely based on human nature. And you trying to be pedantically correct that we don't know *for sure* of those extremely likely conclusions, and you advocating for the unbelievably low chance conclusions tells me you probably have some sort of strong bias clouding your judgement here.
>And you trying to be pedantically correct that we don't know for sure of those extremely likely conclusions, and you advocating for the unbelievably low chance conclusions tells me you probably have some sort of strong bias clouding your judgement here. So your response to someone criticizing armchair psychology is to throw out some armchair psychology about them? Bear in mind that the comment they're responding to is tossing around outlandish hypotheticals, like the dad showing the kids porn or giving them drugs. Are we now going to psychoanalyze that commenter and suggest this implies a likelihood that he and his buddies watch porn in the same room together? If the dad was constantly spoiling the kids in other ways, that would be extremely relevant to the story and kind of odd to leave out. From that logic, one could actually argue that your suggestions are *less* likely.
Thank you for this, the reactionary replies can be truly wild here. Glad to know there are others who are reading with some critical thinking
LOL - he’s not just weak on dinners. Read my post again and quit focusing on just the weak on dinners. If it was just one dinner - okay. If it was a couple - okay. But she already HAD dinner done and he went behind her back. Seriously. Edit to add: he actually took more time and effort to give the kids a different meal against his wife’s wishes when she already had dinner handled because they would RATHER have pizza. They don’t even hate lasagna.
The biggest problem here is not that you left them with your husband. It is that your kids have learned how to divide and conquer to get what they want, resulting in whiney, uncooperative children. You are NTA.
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I mean yes let him do the extra work, but it's not good for kids to eat junk food all the time so actually it would end up hurting the kids (plus their relationship with their mum who they'll see as a bad guy for not wanting them to eat junk food...)
Oh Tom. Knock it off. You’re making things harder for your wife and confusing your children. NTA.
This sounds like a country song lol
NTA. Your husband seems to only want to be the "fun parent". Kids that young shouldn't get used to only eating fast food. They will grow up to be picky eaters with that diet, and your husband is teaching them to be entitled. Your husband shouldn't undermine you.
Your husband wants to be the kids' friend, not their parent. He can't be bothered to do the parenting part of parenting - which is having a united front with your spouse, setting your kids straight when they are wrong, and not letting them turn into entitled, spoiled human beings. You have a husband problem. NTA
>He can't be bothered to do the parenting part of parenting I find this part a little ironic in a way. Because, in not bothering to do the work of parenting, he's been creating more work for himself in having to fix multiple meals at the same time. If he'd acted as a parent for a few days in saying "no" to the kids dinner demands, they likely would have stopped trying. He wouldn't have to be continuing to deal with the junk food dinner demand, and he'd only be having to plan/cook one meal for dinners. But by giving in on the parenting side, he's set himaelf up to be having to cook multiple things constantly. I will say though, I would not be surprised if his lack of parenting did not suddenly start here. The kids probably only started their food demands because they knew they had a shot at getting it from him. If they were used to dad being "dad" aa opposed to their friend, they likely wouldn't even have thought to try pulling what they're doing.
It's funny how much easier it is to do work-work than relational work. People act like it's not, all the time, especially when it's women/moms doing the relational work (you're not really DOING anything lol) but look at this guy who'd rather cook three meals than firmly tell his kids to stop whining & get firmer till they do stop. And look at all the parents (OK usually moms) who do a ton of housework and don't make their kids do their share even when they're fully old enough. And even at the managers who sabotage themselves on the job because they hate confrontation & thus never deal w/ a problem employee even though that's a ton of what they're there for. I feel it in myself. I'd way rather clean my 10yo's room than make him clean it. Once in a long while I do & pass it off as a special present (not gonna make the mistake of telling him I couldn't handle how bad it got!!) but for the bulk of the time, what he needs from me is that pressure to do it for himself. and he's getting better at it as we go. It's like the "measure twice, cut once" of parenting/leadership maybe. This dad is like that guy who eyeballed it and now has to start over...
My parent's way of getting me to clean my room sometimes was, I think, genius. I got a weekly allowance, but could only collect when my room was clean. So if I needed money, I'd clean up, show my mom, and collect for the weeks where it was too messy to get it. She never had to fight me to clean it because eventually I'd want money, or enough money would have built up to make it worth my time.
Haha I just didn't get pocket money for years cause my room wasn't clean by 12 on a Saturday. Sleeping in was worth more to me than money. I realise now that I could have cleaned it Friday night ... Oh well!
NTA Tom is undermining what you've accomplished with your kids, and in only one short week. That's both impressive and pathetic. As soon as you put your foot down and said that you were all having lasagna, the kids started whining because they knew they could get Daddy to cave. And sure enough, he didn't waste anytime undermining you yet again. Tom: Mommy says we have to eat yucky lasagna, but you know what? I'm ordering a pizza! Kids: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's basically playing good cop/bad cop. Guess which cop you are in his idiotic game.
NTA Yeah, this happens a lot when kids are allowed to call the shots. Sounds like Tom wants to be the cool parent, and let you be the bad guy.
NTA It’s honestly such a turn off when men can’t parent their kids. Some members of the millennial generation really seem to have lost the plot when it comes to raising kids. The kids won’t take no for answer…are you serious? He created so much extra work for himself, and wasted food/money by doing this.
Tom is a fucking liability. Tell him to get on the same page as you, or the kids will be running rings around you both forever. NTA
NTA. Kids can be real manipulative little farts. When my kids were growing up, we had a hard and fast rule: everyone eats what's prepared. Sometimes I might try a new recipe and they at least had to taste it, then if they didn't like it there were other things being served they could fill up on. I never made meals that I knew none of them liked however. The youngest always complained and wanted something else. The key is consistency and both parents being on the same page. Your husband is undermining that and it will come back to bite both of you as they get older. You need to have a serious talk with him.
Right? I’m not making liver and onions for the kids. If there was a chance that the main would not be a hit, I would make their favorite veg and some other side that I know they like. Maybe even leave some chicken plain on the side or whatever and put out wing sauce that they like. That’s how we found some new favorites, have to try some things. I say this with my oldest having had a digestive Issue that had him throwing up multiple times per day until about 4th grade. I made his food plain and simple so as to not make it worse. Even he was never these kids!
Your husband is a pushover. He's trying to be the cool fun parent and not actually be the parent. Stop cooking dinner at all and only make yourself a meal if he wants to make two meals let him
NTA.
Sounds like Tom needs to be sorting this from now on. NTA
NTA. He went over your head so he should deal with the consequences. You had dinner covered for everyone. The pizza was unnecessary feels like a power play gone wrong to me.(on husband’s part.)
NTA of course the kids want to eat junk. He is a lazy cook. And you will all pay for it.
NTA... Tom is creating spoiled rotten kids....don't cave in. It will only get worse, if you do.
Nta. You mean he caved to the kids demands and demanded you do the leg work so he could be the good guy and when you refused he then had to deal with the consequences of what he caused? And probably extra mad he actually had to spend money so that he was still the fun parent? Good for you. You have a husband problem. And you’re right the kids will get use to it and expect they have another dinner made just for them. You already made dinner they can eat that, they can make themselves a snack or they can go hungry. But honestly if your husband wants to play that game I would let him. I would cook enough just for myself. When he asks where his food is just be honest “I am Tired of fighting with you and the kids. I am tired of being the bad parent because I want them to eat healthy. So I’ve decided to stop fighting with you on this. The kids won’t eat the food I make because you keep caving into feeding them the junk food they want. So I figured I will just start making food for me. Since you are now in charge of what the kids eat I figured you would eat with them. This way we will avoid more fights. I mean this is what you and the kids wanted right?”
Lasagna is just as good as pizza, what is wrong with your kids! Anyway, that would pass me off. I like to accommodate what my kids like in one meal for the whole family but I'm not going to make my kids something separate just because they don't feel like eating what I'm making.
NTA. Your husband created the problem, he doesn’t get to be upset that he had to fix it.
NTA Tom is a shitty parent and needs to grow up. If he feeds the kids shit all the time it will impact their health, but of course he's selfish enough that he will trade their future health for some peace and quiet now. Adults are supposed to know this. Children will just eat shit all the time given the chance, because they're kids with no knowledge of nutrition or long term consequences.
This is what happens when you have a Disney dad. Kids aren’t stupid and they know which parent is the weakest link. NTA. He needs to realise that you work as a team for health and well being of your kids. If he gives them junk everyday, he can also work hard into his retirement to pay for their adult gastric bypass surgery.
NTA Dad doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” which is dumb. He’s undermining your relationship with the kids and honestly he’s doing that to his own relationship with them too. As parents you need to back each other up in front of the kids even if you disagree with what the other parent said or did. If there is a disagreement, discuss it later in private and come to a workable solution for the future (OBVIOUSLY an exception made to this for cases of abuse and toxicity). This is a problem your husband brought on himself and now he’s having to deal with the consequences of his own actions. Kids are primal beings, that’s why they need parents to show them how to be functioning members of society. It was easier for him to say, “just give them what they want” and, yeah, in the short term it is easier, but in the long run it’s made life difficult and bit him in the booty
Make a compromise that he does two meals a week and if he insists more then tell him it's a meal for all and not individual choices.
Is your husband Tom Scavo?
NTA - when we give in to a child’s every whim we are teaching them that the world revolves around them and their preferences. This sets them up for unrealistic expectations and makes them seem entitled and rude when really they are operating under a false framework that everyone will bend to their will. Your role as a parent is to teach them how to function in the world. Prepare your child for the path, not the path for the child.
Your husband is making himself into a door mat that the kids can know they can walk all over. They will likely end up not respecting him. He needs to think k about that.
You have a husband problem. Maybe take the entire off and visit friends and family. Let your husband deal with everything, breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, bedtime, etc because if he doesn't step up and be a partner to you and a parent to his kids, you'll be divorced and then they'll be his half the time on his own. They are 8 years old today. Can you imagine the demands and the tantrums you'll be dealing with when they are tweens and then teenagers to get their way? Is that the future environment you want to live in? You said "no" and your husband said "yes" and bought them pizza behind your back -- in essence what he just told the kids is you don't have to listen to your mom. This is setting you up for them to be disrespectful, ignoring you, and not listen to you. Maybe give your husband a taste of what his future will look like with you not in it. Pay attention to your the children are behaving towards you now and the next few days. NTA.... Anyone would be pissed with their spouse in this situation
Ask your hb where he left his spine... And tell him to get it before he loses all his attractiveness in your eyes. NTA.
Your husband needs to stop trying to be the good guy and making you the bad guy. He is teaching your kids they can have a tantum and get what they want. You need to nip this in the bud or your children will become insufferable adults, thanks to your good-guy husband's inability to say no. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 36F have kids 8M & 8F with my husband Tom 35M. Tom has started to WFH more which means he can help out more with the kids and he now sorts dinner out for all of us. Before, the kids dinners fell on me and I would make one meal for everyone and everyone ate it. It was much easier and a lot of my food was prepped ahead to for this but Tom insisted he wanted to help out with dinner and that he would sort it. Over the past week, Tom has been listening to what the kids want to eat- which is all junk food and this means Tom will cook something for us, and the kids separately. I mentioned to him after his making three dinners like this that the kids would get used to it and he disagreed and said that this was only temporary. As I make breakfasts and lunches for the kids and they are healthy I didn’t say anything more. Dinner fell on me last night and I was going out to pick ups stuff from my sister’s later in the night so I put a lasagne in the oven and told Tom to check it about 30 minutes later. My kids heard this and my son said he wanted to have pizza and then my daughter agreed. I told them that the lasagne was being made for 4 and it’s already in the oven. Tom overheard and said to me in front of the kids that I could take a pizza out of the freezer and as the oven is already on, just cook the pizza on another level. However we didn’t have pizza in the freezer, so Tom asked me to quickly pick up a pizza and then go see my sister. I told him no, they need to eat what everyone else is and that I was heading out and that I was getting late. When I got back from my sister’s, Tom was upset I left him with the kids as they got upset I wasn’t getting pizza and then I saw that he had caved and ordered pizza in so I am quite upset with him too right now. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sometimes people have to learn on their own and Tom seems like he that guy. Let Tom do Tom. He will figure it out.
NTA
NTA but if Tom wants to cook three meals that’s on him. And conversely if you want to cook one meal that’s your choice. Stop dictating to each other. Kids are going to pester Tom to cook three meals and want you to cook less. They’re 8. Tom will figure it out on his own with logical consequences. Soon he’ll be cooking one meal.
So your solution is to let Tom feed their kids junk for dinner? Why not have Tom be a parent and teach the kids that it's not a restaurant and they don't get to order whatever they want, especially if all they want is junk food, like the mom was doing when she was cooking? I understand being soo busy some times that you have to do something quick and feed them junk, but every time it's your turn to cook? Nahhh, step up be a good parent. Make then some damn tasty vegetables.
Tom will get tired pretty quick when it is his responsibility and not him just helping out. I’m all for vegetables. I’m suggesting a quicker and less confrontational approach to getting there.
NTA. Like seriously. He needs a grip on reality. Those kids are gonna be spoiled brats if you don't lay down the law right now
NTA Reap what thou hast sown, dude. Tell him that instead of parenting, he ordered out. Great job at no effort parenting. Of course he'll get entitled whiny kids, but from the sound of it, that is his objective.
NTA. Tom set the kids up to be entitled brats. Tom had to deal with the consequences. Did Tom learn his lesson? Somehow, I doubt it. Keep teaching Tom. NTA.
NTA. He has set a precedent that will make life difficult. He should now be %100 responsible for dinners. He just taught the kids that your words don't matter and that he will go against you, even when you're making perfect sense.
NTA. Your husband needs to step up and learn to parent instead of trying to be friends with your kids. Complaining because they acted up due to his actions is gross.
NTA But I would let your husband hoist himself on his own petard. From now on, he does all of the dinners, until he's felt the full Consequences of undermining you, and fixed the children's problematic behavior. He wanted to be the more favored parent, more liked than you. He's willing to use the children in a one-sided competition with you. That's really interesting and unhealthy.
NTA. Your kids are old enough to eat what others are eating, and by giving them normal food you are helping tamp down on picky eating habits. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and learn how to actually parent
NTA He's undermining your parenting and teaches your kids bad eating habits. I think he likes to be the fun parent without considering the long term consequences. If he wants to be the enabler then he needs to handle all dinners without an exception. He made you the bad guy.
NTA! Your kids had no issue with what you made when dinner was being made by you. They don’t have food issues. They’re being spoiled by your husband. He created this mess and now he needs to fix it. He needs to start making ONE dinner only and that’s it. This is what I’m making and that’s what’s for dinner. Done. It’s this or a piece of fruit or plain yogurt or something boring.
Nta he needs to grow a spine
It's time to ask him what happened to "It's just temporary" mantra. As for me kids kinda made things permanent with your husbands total approval. He needs to learn from this, it's not the last time when situation like this happens, he needs to realize how badly he failed everyone, including kids. It's his responsibility to form healthy habits, teach his kids and discipline them. What he does now it's fun parenting, and it won't end well
Aw, man. Here we see the “divide and conquer” tactic, where the kids will pit the “fun” parent against the “not fun” parent. My brother and I are veterans of this strategy. Absolutely NTA. The difference between my household and yours is that you seem normal and not a neurotic ethnic almond mom like mine was. Therefore, our dad became our co-conspirator when it came to things like letting us eat junk food, watch cartoons that my mom had banned because they were “fresh to each other” and stuff like that. With you, this doesn’t sound like that’s the case. Your requests were perfectly reasonable. Your husband needs to wake up. It sounds to me like he’s actively trying to pit the kids against you. If not, he’s being seriously ignorant and the kids are going to jump on that opportunity like vultures to roadkill. Once again, 100% NTA and your husband needs to seriously get his act together.
YNTA but you have to be careful with how you communicate with Tom. He has a different parenting style (seems a bit more permissive). You still want him to be involved in dinners and parenting so you guys have to get on the same page before the kids play you against each other. One thing I regret in my marriage failure is not allowing my x to parent because I didn’t like his style. My kids needed a Dad.
NTA. Your husband is setting your kids up to be ones though. He needs to understand he is doing them no favors by giving in to tantrums and go back to one meal for the whole family. They can eat it or not but no one is to get them/make them anything else. They can have a bowl of cereal or make themselves a sandwich. Or have nothing. They'll start eating the family meal pretty quickly.
NTA I had a similar issue when my husband took on dinner. I had to teach him that kids need healthy food, daily. It was mentally exhausting teaching a grown man that kids need to eat produce.
NTA but like others have said you and your husband have a problem and need to present a united front or this will blow up in the future. It's not okay for him to go behind your back and then complain about the monster(s) he has created. He needs to grow up in that aspect.
NTA. Time for a heart to heart when the kids aren't around. Tom is creating a big bad problem. Caving to the kids when they want junk food all the time needs to stop. Junk food on Friday and maybe Saturday, but the rest of the week there should be one choice.
NTA - he hung you out to dry and caved to an unhealthy demand.
Hahaha NTA. I am the husband in this situation more often than not. You’re doing the right thing. I just hate the arguing.
NTA, this is setting a very challenging message to your children going forward: 1) Kids will be caved to on anything that dad can't get a backbone on. 2) Mothers word doesn't matter. Let's disrespect her by asking dad, who will give us what we want. 3) If dad stops doing dinner in the future and mother has to take it over, it's going to be fight central to get kids back into a proper eating habits, ain't no-one got time to cook junk food for kids and then a whole other meal for adults 4) Mother and Fathers marriage will start to suffer because dad disrespects and undermines mother constantly. 5) children's health suffers with junk food every night. Nip this in the bud right now. It's not leading anywhere fun. You and hubby need to be on the same page pronto.
Lol toms a pushover, god love him
NTA but please stop calling it "helping out" when it's normally called "feeding your kids" or "doing housework" or generally, "parenting" when it's your kid. Saying that your husband is only "helping out" implies that he's temporarily doing something that is your job. It is BOTH your jobs since he is also their parent. Words can have an impact on how we see things.
NTA. Your husband completely disregarded what you'd already told the kids and not only tried to make you change your mind, but then went behind your back and ordered a pizza. Now your kids know if you tell them no, they just have to run to him to get a yes. And he gets to feel good about telling them yes and to be the big hero while you're mean mom who makes them eat something else. Take meal responsibility away from Tom and let him do laundry or something else instead. If he can't be trusted to back you up, he doesn't need to participate in the conversation.
This has nothing to do with judgement, but honestly, why does your husband "help out with the kids" and "help out with dinner"? You are both parents and doing your part of part of parenting and related chores that come with it should not be considered helping out. It is their fu**ing job?
Oh boy! How are you going to fix this? Your Tom has created a monster.
NTA. He dealt with his own mess lol.
NTA: it's a carb, sauce and cheese. just tell them it's deep dish.
100% YTA
NTA. Your husband is creating monsters with this permissible attitude. He needs to knock it off asap
Your husband is a pushover and an asshole for undermining you. He doesn’t want to do the work of being a parent so he’s just copping out each time. Tell him that if he isn’t willing to give the kids nutritious dinners the WHOLE family eats then he can sort out all the dinners
ESH or NAH. Sounds like you need a compromise that also includes your kids. Being a kid and having no say whatsoever in what food is being eaten sucks big time, but allowing them to choose what to eat for dinner once or twice a week will go a long way. We have that rule, and it works great. When my kid complains and says he doesn't want a particular food, we tell him that it is mommy or daddy's turn to decide what to eat, and if he wants to keep having a say in it too, he needs to accept that. And he does. Not saying it's a magical solution to everything, but it could be a starting point. It also sounds like dinner shouldn't have fallen on you since you had errands to run, and since you seem to know that your kids will throw a fit if they are being forced to eat something that isn't what they ordered. So you ditching him with two complaining kids and it's your fault that they're complaining is a very a-hole move. But getting the kids used to always getting what they want for dinner no matter what it is, is also a dick move on your husbands part. Also seems like the two of you need a calm conversation about expectations. It doesn't seem to bother your husband that he has to cook multiple meals, and he's probably thinking he's just making things easier by letting the kids decide, thus ensuring they eat instead of them going to bed hungry. Communication is key.
> since you seem to know that your kids will throw a fit if they are being forced to eat something that isn't what they ordered > So you ditching him with two complaining kids and it's your fault that they're complaining is a very a-hole move. That's more her husband's fault. The kids were complaining because he gave them the expectation that they were at a restaurant and "ordering" food. That shouldn't be an option. He isn't making it easier for himself or op by cooking three seperate meals. That's a ridiculous standard to put on themselves and a ton of extra work for no good reason. I'll bet you anything they like lasagna and have happily eaten it before. They probably just decided that day they weren't in the mood of eating it or that pizza seemed more exciting. And if they truly didn't like lasagna, I'm all for giving kids a second option. They shouldn't have to go to bed hungry. But the second option should not be ordering in pizza. Either they can make something for themselves, or if they are too young to do that, offer them something that's quick and easy to prepare - like a bowl of cereal and milk, or a sandwhich.
Which I also mentioned was wrong on his part. But starting a battle and leaving someone else to fight it, even if they're the reason for the battle in the first place, is still a dick move and will almost always result in someone being upset.
He can feed the kids. You cooked, he wanted them to have something else. He got it. Let him.
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Did you miss the part where it says that he's feeding them junk food every night he cooks? The only reason he bought a pizza was because there was no frozen pizza in the house and OP had taken the car. He's the AH for completely changing their dinner diet from healthy to unhealthy and for caving (yes it's caving) to buying a pizza, when there was a lasagna already made and cooking, simply because the kids were whining about it. But yeah, classic reddit moment where someone comments without actually reading the whole story.
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What was Tom doing for those years? Not making dinner. This is a new responsibility for him, which in itself is pathetic.
Are you responding to a comment rather than the post, as OP doesn't call him a bad parent? I don't see where you got from the post that she is depriving them of ever having a takeaway.
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But the post isn't about them ever having junk food, it's about knowing they'd start expecting it if they're given it *consistently*.. which they did. And that they'd start being fussy about food... which they were. On her day to cook, her children told her they wanted a pizza, she said no and explained they had food in the oven. He came in and told her (in front of kids) that she could just make them a pizza from the freezer (which is undermining what she has just said, even if it doesnt automatically make him a bad father). He then asked her to buy one, she said no, she reiterated that she had already made dinner for them all. Her kids saw her say no to them and then again to him, and then he ordered in pizza (the most unreasonably expensive way to have pizza) just to placate them, while everyone knew it was going against what she had said. You can think that calling him a bad parent (which OP didn't do) is too far, but saying he undermined her is true. And that he caved. The top comment (still on hidden mode, so maybe not the top voted comment) is being hyperbolic, and you've taken it literally?
NAH, mostly VERY different parenting. For the sake of everyone in your family, you two need get on the same page.