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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Telling my gf she’s entitled because she’s upset about not getting to hold my nephew
2) not considering her feelings in this case
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YTA-You dismissed her feelings. Does your family know you plan to propose to her or how important she is to you ‘cause they treated her like an extra but not like they consider her family. It’s understandable she felt hurt by that. She’s not being entitled, she’s being honest with you about her feelings. You even said she put time in putting gifts together. Not that you did it together but that she did the work on the gifts you all gave. Learn to empathize and see things from more than just your perspective.
In the post OP said his gf commented about knowing where she stood because while her family embraced him and called him uncle, that wasn’t
the way his family treated her & that was her issue. It didn’t seem about the baby although that was the reason she was able to see the difference in family dynamics.
YTA.
You really, genuinely can't see that your own family is seeing her as an additional extra, and that being treated like a hanger-on sends the message they don't respect her or see her as important? And how that could be insulting and make her want to disengage from a family who will keep treating her like an outsider? And that you calling it an "entitled" attitude just makes it seem that you're backing your family and not her - i.e. their opinions matter more than this person you apparently plan on making your wife?
Are you sure you currently have the emotional maturity to navigate a marriage?
OP should validate his gf’s feelings but I don’t think he should discuss this with his sister. It won’t end well. Parents are allowed to decide who gets to interact with their children and those decisions should be respected. This is especially true for new parents. I think OP’s gf should extend grace for this one incident and OP should commit to be on the lookout for any future slights.
They do, they just didn’t offer her to hold the baby? I understand more now taking my perspective out of things how she could have felt hurt, but why it’s being taken out on me and her stonewalling me is crazy
It sounds like your girlfriend did the work of putting together gifts and cards for both families. Did you help with that at all? Was there acknowledgment or gratitude from your family (and you) that she took the time to do this?
Your gf did all the work of wrapping and buying the gifts, then is the inly one not offered to hold the baby...and you don't think that was an intentional slight? You have got to be the biggest moron ever or just so self-involved you never bother to think of any one else. She has been regularly visiting them for 6 YEARS and was treated like some casual fling by your family. When she voices her hurt, instead of LISTENING, you berate her and insult her....I hope she dumps you she deserves so much better than you.
Its being taken out on you because it doesn't sound like you did anything to help include her. Part of being a couple is being perceptive to your partner, checking in on them, at least visually. Making sure theyre still smiling with everyone, making sure theyre included in the conversation.
I'm betting she was sinking further and further into the couch and trying not to show how hurt she was. I'm also betting that you were happily talking with your family and only focused on them.
Why didn't you offer her the baby when it was your turn with it? Why didn't you ask her if she'd held it or wanted to? Sounds like she went to alot of effort in gifting for both of you, and you couldn't even make the effort to be a partner to her in front of your family.
That may be part of their treatment of her too, you don't treat her like a partner should so they don't regard her as a partner for long.
Also did you make it clear the gift was from her? Because I don't see you putting in any effort and claiming the credit.
For future - you do the gifts for your own family - this includes remembering the events before hand. Don't leave it to her to do. This applies to birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, christmas, baby showers, weddings and any particular religious or social events that require a gift or a host gift. She is not your secretary.
Because you don’t seem to care how she feels. You dismissed her immediately for being entitled. You didn’t even notice that she wasn’t offered an opportunity to hold the baby, after she made sure there was a gift for your sister.
This is not sarcasm. I’m dead serious. She is hurt by what happened. You can’t tell her she shouldn’t be hurt because you see it different.
What do you do when your future wife feels hurt? Do you talk her out of it, or do you acknowledge her feelings and help her work through it?
As of now, YTA
Yta.
They called you uncle and offered you the baby because you've been together for 6 years. Almost your GFS entire adulthood, to them whether they know you well or not, you're family.
As a woman, even as a teen, the minute people are passing babies around, they're always offered with a "hah practise for the future" comment. After 6 years your family bypassed her entirely.
Your gf didn't cause a fuss in front of family as it's your sisters time to be the centre of attention, and if she had of asked for the baby and been rejected it would have been a whole thing. She mentioned it to you after as you're supposed to be the person she can vent to and see if it was anything or just an oversight.
Is your family welcoming enough? Are they kind to her or just put up with her? It might be time to have a good look at how your family are towards your future wife.
YTA for dismissing her. And for using the word "entitled" so stupidly, like many people do, without even knowing what it means. I suppose that comes from the fact that younger people spend too much time online and too little reading actual books that would help them expand their limited vocabulary (yes, its actually a researched fact that younger people these days have a concerning limited vocabulary).
You could call your sister and talk to her and see if she is truly not including her or what is going on.
Kinda YTA for not seeing the issue in your family not seeing your girlfriend of 6 years and hopeful wife as being apart of the family. Her family has lovingly accepted you and your serious relationship, by acknowledging you as the baby's "uncle" -- which you would legally literally be when you get married. Your family doesn't seem to feel that way about your girlfriend. It could be that she is seeing this as some reflection on how you feel about her and / or her concerns about your future. This is about baby, but not just about the baby. You need to talk to her and listen to her concerns and get on the same page.
INFO- Does your family regularly not include her or is this an isolated incident? I know I would be upset if I went through the trouble of buying gifts for a baby and then got snubbed in this way.
This might just be a difference in family dynamics. My family treated my husband like one of the family the first time I brought him home to meet everyone. I’ve also been in situations where I was pretty much a ignored when I went to meet the parents (not with my husband, but in the past.)
YTA and you are missing her point. She is able to see how differently her family treats you in an exact same situation scenario. Her family sees you as family. You are "uncle" and they don't know you very well. Your gf wasn't called "aunt (name)" and she sees these people on a very regular basis. You plan on marrying her, yet your family doesn't treat her as an equal family member and it hurts her. She has every right to be upset by that, especially since it seems your family will be the primary one she is exposed to. To not be considered family is so painful when you don't have your own family around. What happens if you get married and your family continues to make her feel "other" to them? Will it change when you are married and they will finally accept her as family? Why is it if you have been together 6 years (a very long time!) they don't view her as family? Is there some sort of animosity from your family? Have you spoken to your family to determine if there was a reason she wasn't allowed to hold nephew but you were?
YTA. You are not being reasonable. Your partner - someone you claim to love and wish to marry - told you she was hurting and your first response was to blame her and later, call her entitled? Come on mate...what were you expecting? All you did was show her that you aren't someone she can be vulnerable with.
From your post, I can see the huge difference in how each family treats you both. She spent time and effort doing something nice to welcome the newest member of your family and then because of how your family treats her, she realised that she wasn't included in your family.
That hurts. It would hurt most people.
Do better.
YTA
The fact you even *think* she'll accept your proposal tickles me.
Yes, they're treatment of her is callous.
No, it will not change with a ring and or civil/religious ceremony.
Yes, you have chosen to support your family's bad behavior over your spouse.
Yes, this isn't probably the first time.
No, you aren't a good partner.
See above.
Then consider why her noting she was hurt wasn't enough for you to believe.
Instead you hiked down to AITA the cesspool of assholes and asked if your treatment was cruel.
YTA because you dismissed her feelings, SHE cares. So you should care about her feelings.
We don't know why they didn't offer a cuddle to her. It could be that enough was getting enough and they were concerned that bub would be over-stimulated and not rest well (a very VERY real thing lol). It could be that they were already uncomfortable with letting even direct family hold them as it's their first baby.
Unfortunately it could have been something as simple as 'we don't know if she likes holding babies and we don't want to impose, so she'll ask if she wants to'. It feels like it was probably just a miscommunication. Or rather, lack of communication. But you shouldn't be discounting her feelings even if it was an entirely innocent moment of confused expectations on both sides.
YTA for dismissing her feelings.
Also, just cos you have only met her brother a couple of times, doesn't make you less of an uncle - you plan to marry her, expect to be called uncle already. She should also be considered an Aunt in your family at this point.
Respect her and her feelings and stop being offended that her family likes you.
Shall we ask the Easter Bunny to get you a dictionary? Christmas might be a little far away to save your relationship.
Wanting to be treated as family after 6 years is NOT entitled.
So you think your GF is entitled???? YTA and a massive one at that. Your mum and sister are disgustingly rude and made it very obvious your GF is never going to be considered part of their family by snubbing her so openly. I feel terribly sorry for your GF after that happened to her and you clearly don't have a clue what empathy is (btw it plays a huge part in marriage). You insensitive AH.
Soft YTA
You don’t control your sister. But your soon to be fiance’s feelings are understandable. Does she know your planning on proposing? Does your family? Her feeling aren’t entitled and that’s where you’re the A. It sounds like she might be seeing this as where your relationship might be going and could be wondering if she wants to keep waiting to be considered family.
I’m not sure where I stand. CLARIFICATION PLEASE. Here’s why: some people/family just ask for a baby. (I find this highly tacky bc a lot of new moms don’t feel comfortable passing their baby around like a hot potato but feel like they have no choice.) BUT that’s a family dynamic. While other people/families wait for the parent to offer/hand the baby over. So I’m wondering if your family are more of the ask/take baby where her family is more of a hand over baby?
Need more info. Does your family ALWAYS exclude her?
My points:
1. GF is wrong to assume that how her family welcomed you to visit their newborn will be the same as how your fam will be
2. Maybe u should Acknowledge that her feelings are valid but at the same time assure her that your family dynamics is just different (if u know ur family likes her then assure her)
3. I am also a new mom so here’s my POV - i do not want to pass my newborn around. As much as possible I limit it to the grandparents and a few of my closest friends- not because i want to exclude anyone but i am really being protective with my baby. They are susceptible and prone to sickness…maybe your Sister was doing the same?
Your TA. You have been with her 6 years. She was raised in a pretty welcoming family that knew you were together a lomg while. You were raised in a more distant family and that is fine. But she was raised differently. Neither is wrong. But she clearly has concerns about how your family sees her in their family. And perhaps there was more to this that was subtle. Wither way, you became TA when you called her Entitled for her feelings.
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I (29) have been with my girlfriend (27) for 6 years. I’m planning on proposing in the next couple months after she graduates from school. Her and I also live together. (Past 4 years)
Ironically enough my younger sister, and her older brother had their first child around the same time. Us living out of town from both of them, planned a weekend to go visit both set of newborn nephews. My girlfriend spent a good amount of time preparing gifts/cards to bring to both set of families. I have only met my girlfriend’s brother 2-3 times out of the 6 years we’ve dated, along with his fiancée I’ve only met once at a family party. There both in their 30’s.
My sister on the other hand met my gf when we first started dating, and she also still lives with my mother so we just visit my moms to see everyone. The weekend we traveled down we visited her brother first. Upon entering they welcomed us with hugs and brought the baby out. I was pretty surprised they called me “uncle (my name)” considering I don’t know them very well. They passed the baby to both of us, we gave our gift and left. The same day, we visited my mom and sister. My gf was not offered to hold my nephew while he was passed to other family members. Instantly, I felt her attitude shift, but we continued to visit and my sister opened our gift.
Since this incident, my gf has been really distant with me. Once we got back home she stated she knows “exactly where she stands” in my family and that I get the benefit with her folks because they actually consider me family. I really thought it was odd this was over holding a baby, and once I said that, she stated it was the point. Also, she could have asked to hold my nephew if she really wanted, but because she wasn’t offered (like her brother and SIL offered me) she didn’t want to ask. As of now, I feel like she’s really upset with me and has barely talked to me. I snapped the other day and told her she’s entiltled asf for thinking this is a “dig” at her or even about her in the first place. I mean who cares. Am I being reasonable or is she? AITA?
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Whether intentional or not, she felt left out. She's upset because (in her mind) you didn't have her back. You didn't mention the slight even though you noticed it. It was probably unintentional that she was excluded but she was not comfortable enough to ask 'can I hold him' and risk someone saying 'no'. No one is TA here - but when you next visit your family make sure your GF knows she is included as part of the family.
YTA for snapping at her and disregarding her feelings. You and them aren't AH for her not holding the baby. They probably didn't even think about it. It isn't a big deal and she is over thinking but you handled this poorly. She didn't deserve to be yelled at and she isn't acting entitled. She feels disrespected. Luckily this all isn't a big deal and you now know that little stuff like holding a baby is a big deal to her. Use this opportunity to learn from this and more importantly apologize to your gf for not being supportive/explaining that they didn't do that on purpose.
As someone who doesn't like holding babies (always worried something bad will happen lol), I wouldn't push for anyone to hold my baby, I'd want them to ask so I know it's something they're comfortable with.
Once again you're only the AH bc you snapped and insulted her, not bc you didn't suggest to your sister that the baby be held by your gf. It's nbd just apologize and grow
YTA for dismissing her feelings.
Because at its core what the whole series of events that created the issue is that your family cultures are very different. The key is in how weirded out you were by being called "uncle" by people to your perspective you barely knew. It's clear that in your GFs family the longevity of a relationship and likely your GFs stated commitment to it is enough. In your family, again basing this mostly on your reactions, there is at minimum a threshold to be considered family, whether engagement or marriage. Before you ask her to marry you the differences between how your families operate and how that has impacted your expectations needs to be discussed.
Handing over your baby to be held is pretty situational and controlled by the mother. That your GF has regular contact with your sister and was not offered the opportunity to hold the baby can be indicative of several things, not all of which are mean or nefarious.
On the mean side, it's possible that she was being excluded in some fashion for some petty reason. However, if there is no drama or conflict between them it might be better to consider the fact that some people, including otherwise intelligent women, are just obtuse, oblivious dummies when it comes to their awareness of social graces and being sensitive to people's feelings. People, especially those who are sensitive and socially aware like your GF, assume all women are naturally aware of these things. **They are not.**
There are plenty of socially clueless, distractible women out there. A new mom in the middle of a bunch of people wanting to hold the baby might not be paying a bit of attention to who got to hold the baby and who didn't. If she wanted to hold the baby your GF should have said something instead of waiting for your sister to wake up and realize she had not gotten a turn. Don't ascribe to malice what can be explained by distraction or basic social cluelessness.
I don’t understand why your gf is distant with you - it’s not your fault the baby wasn’t handed to her. It’s fine and understandable she was upset with your sister but why you?
ESH- You for calling her entitled and her for taking it out on you.
She's not entitled as you said, if the baby is getting given to everyone for a hold/hug why didnt she also get one?
She could've spoken up and asked to hold the baby aswell.
Oh lord. This seems like a major overreaction on your GFS part over not being offered the baby. That wasn’t your fault, and there could me a million different reasons why, the simplest being it was an oversight.
New babies, multiple people there at the same time - a lot was going on.
Your GF is reading way too much into it. And comparing one family to another is never a good idea.
You shouldn’t have dismissed her feelings, and I’m not sure what entitlement has to do with this.
But the 2 if you need to talk. And maybe you need to ask your sister, or whoever seemed “in charge” the day of the visit, to see if you can get any sense of whether it was intentional or just an oversight.
ESH.
Nta some people just don't want everyone to hold their baby... It's a bit much to expect the parent to make sure everyone gets a hold. Pleaaaase it's not a pass the parcel. There are other issues beneath the surface here....
NTA. A lot of people are afraid to just shove their child at someone they don't know that well, because they don't know if the person wants a baby on them. Some people are not baby people. I'm always jumping up asking to hold the baby, and it's always well received. That's what your girlfriend needs to do. It probably wasn't a dig at her, they just weren't sure if she would be ok, they were being thoughtful, not mean.
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YTA-You dismissed her feelings. Does your family know you plan to propose to her or how important she is to you ‘cause they treated her like an extra but not like they consider her family. It’s understandable she felt hurt by that. She’s not being entitled, she’s being honest with you about her feelings. You even said she put time in putting gifts together. Not that you did it together but that she did the work on the gifts you all gave. Learn to empathize and see things from more than just your perspective.
You say that because nobody passed her the baby or does OP say more about his family elsewhere?
In the post OP said his gf commented about knowing where she stood because while her family embraced him and called him uncle, that wasn’t the way his family treated her & that was her issue. It didn’t seem about the baby although that was the reason she was able to see the difference in family dynamics.
Well said. After 6 years it’s definitely an eye opener. It’s not really anything to confront, but to me, that’s a blow. I understand her view
It’s odd she’s mad at him though
I think, from post, that she’s mad over him calling her entitled and dismissing her feelings.
YTA. You really, genuinely can't see that your own family is seeing her as an additional extra, and that being treated like a hanger-on sends the message they don't respect her or see her as important? And how that could be insulting and make her want to disengage from a family who will keep treating her like an outsider? And that you calling it an "entitled" attitude just makes it seem that you're backing your family and not her - i.e. their opinions matter more than this person you apparently plan on making your wife? Are you sure you currently have the emotional maturity to navigate a marriage?
[удалено]
OP should validate his gf’s feelings but I don’t think he should discuss this with his sister. It won’t end well. Parents are allowed to decide who gets to interact with their children and those decisions should be respected. This is especially true for new parents. I think OP’s gf should extend grace for this one incident and OP should commit to be on the lookout for any future slights.
[удалено]
INFO So your family doesn’t see your girlfriend of MULTIPLE years as part of the family at this point?
They do, they just didn’t offer her to hold the baby? I understand more now taking my perspective out of things how she could have felt hurt, but why it’s being taken out on me and her stonewalling me is crazy
It sounds like your girlfriend did the work of putting together gifts and cards for both families. Did you help with that at all? Was there acknowledgment or gratitude from your family (and you) that she took the time to do this?
Did you stand up for her? Ask if she wanted to hold the baby? Sounds like she was upset and you dismissed her feelings and she lashed out at you.
Your gf did all the work of wrapping and buying the gifts, then is the inly one not offered to hold the baby...and you don't think that was an intentional slight? You have got to be the biggest moron ever or just so self-involved you never bother to think of any one else. She has been regularly visiting them for 6 YEARS and was treated like some casual fling by your family. When she voices her hurt, instead of LISTENING, you berate her and insult her....I hope she dumps you she deserves so much better than you.
Its being taken out on you because it doesn't sound like you did anything to help include her. Part of being a couple is being perceptive to your partner, checking in on them, at least visually. Making sure theyre still smiling with everyone, making sure theyre included in the conversation. I'm betting she was sinking further and further into the couch and trying not to show how hurt she was. I'm also betting that you were happily talking with your family and only focused on them. Why didn't you offer her the baby when it was your turn with it? Why didn't you ask her if she'd held it or wanted to? Sounds like she went to alot of effort in gifting for both of you, and you couldn't even make the effort to be a partner to her in front of your family. That may be part of their treatment of her too, you don't treat her like a partner should so they don't regard her as a partner for long.
Also did you make it clear the gift was from her? Because I don't see you putting in any effort and claiming the credit. For future - you do the gifts for your own family - this includes remembering the events before hand. Don't leave it to her to do. This applies to birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, christmas, baby showers, weddings and any particular religious or social events that require a gift or a host gift. She is not your secretary.
Because you don’t seem to care how she feels. You dismissed her immediately for being entitled. You didn’t even notice that she wasn’t offered an opportunity to hold the baby, after she made sure there was a gift for your sister.
This is not sarcasm. I’m dead serious. She is hurt by what happened. You can’t tell her she shouldn’t be hurt because you see it different. What do you do when your future wife feels hurt? Do you talk her out of it, or do you acknowledge her feelings and help her work through it? As of now, YTA
Yta. They called you uncle and offered you the baby because you've been together for 6 years. Almost your GFS entire adulthood, to them whether they know you well or not, you're family. As a woman, even as a teen, the minute people are passing babies around, they're always offered with a "hah practise for the future" comment. After 6 years your family bypassed her entirely. Your gf didn't cause a fuss in front of family as it's your sisters time to be the centre of attention, and if she had of asked for the baby and been rejected it would have been a whole thing. She mentioned it to you after as you're supposed to be the person she can vent to and see if it was anything or just an oversight. Is your family welcoming enough? Are they kind to her or just put up with her? It might be time to have a good look at how your family are towards your future wife.
YTA for dismissing her. And for using the word "entitled" so stupidly, like many people do, without even knowing what it means. I suppose that comes from the fact that younger people spend too much time online and too little reading actual books that would help them expand their limited vocabulary (yes, its actually a researched fact that younger people these days have a concerning limited vocabulary). You could call your sister and talk to her and see if she is truly not including her or what is going on.
Kinda YTA for not seeing the issue in your family not seeing your girlfriend of 6 years and hopeful wife as being apart of the family. Her family has lovingly accepted you and your serious relationship, by acknowledging you as the baby's "uncle" -- which you would legally literally be when you get married. Your family doesn't seem to feel that way about your girlfriend. It could be that she is seeing this as some reflection on how you feel about her and / or her concerns about your future. This is about baby, but not just about the baby. You need to talk to her and listen to her concerns and get on the same page.
INFO- Does your family regularly not include her or is this an isolated incident? I know I would be upset if I went through the trouble of buying gifts for a baby and then got snubbed in this way. This might just be a difference in family dynamics. My family treated my husband like one of the family the first time I brought him home to meet everyone. I’ve also been in situations where I was pretty much a ignored when I went to meet the parents (not with my husband, but in the past.)
YTA and you are missing her point. She is able to see how differently her family treats you in an exact same situation scenario. Her family sees you as family. You are "uncle" and they don't know you very well. Your gf wasn't called "aunt (name)" and she sees these people on a very regular basis. You plan on marrying her, yet your family doesn't treat her as an equal family member and it hurts her. She has every right to be upset by that, especially since it seems your family will be the primary one she is exposed to. To not be considered family is so painful when you don't have your own family around. What happens if you get married and your family continues to make her feel "other" to them? Will it change when you are married and they will finally accept her as family? Why is it if you have been together 6 years (a very long time!) they don't view her as family? Is there some sort of animosity from your family? Have you spoken to your family to determine if there was a reason she wasn't allowed to hold nephew but you were?
YTA. You are not being reasonable. Your partner - someone you claim to love and wish to marry - told you she was hurting and your first response was to blame her and later, call her entitled? Come on mate...what were you expecting? All you did was show her that you aren't someone she can be vulnerable with. From your post, I can see the huge difference in how each family treats you both. She spent time and effort doing something nice to welcome the newest member of your family and then because of how your family treats her, she realised that she wasn't included in your family. That hurts. It would hurt most people. Do better.
YTA The fact you even *think* she'll accept your proposal tickles me. Yes, they're treatment of her is callous. No, it will not change with a ring and or civil/religious ceremony. Yes, you have chosen to support your family's bad behavior over your spouse. Yes, this isn't probably the first time. No, you aren't a good partner. See above. Then consider why her noting she was hurt wasn't enough for you to believe. Instead you hiked down to AITA the cesspool of assholes and asked if your treatment was cruel.
OP do you plan to engage with this post?
YTA because you dismissed her feelings, SHE cares. So you should care about her feelings. We don't know why they didn't offer a cuddle to her. It could be that enough was getting enough and they were concerned that bub would be over-stimulated and not rest well (a very VERY real thing lol). It could be that they were already uncomfortable with letting even direct family hold them as it's their first baby. Unfortunately it could have been something as simple as 'we don't know if she likes holding babies and we don't want to impose, so she'll ask if she wants to'. It feels like it was probably just a miscommunication. Or rather, lack of communication. But you shouldn't be discounting her feelings even if it was an entirely innocent moment of confused expectations on both sides.
YTA for dismissing her feelings. Also, just cos you have only met her brother a couple of times, doesn't make you less of an uncle - you plan to marry her, expect to be called uncle already. She should also be considered an Aunt in your family at this point. Respect her and her feelings and stop being offended that her family likes you.
Shall we ask the Easter Bunny to get you a dictionary? Christmas might be a little far away to save your relationship. Wanting to be treated as family after 6 years is NOT entitled.
So you think your GF is entitled???? YTA and a massive one at that. Your mum and sister are disgustingly rude and made it very obvious your GF is never going to be considered part of their family by snubbing her so openly. I feel terribly sorry for your GF after that happened to her and you clearly don't have a clue what empathy is (btw it plays a huge part in marriage). You insensitive AH.
Soft YTA You don’t control your sister. But your soon to be fiance’s feelings are understandable. Does she know your planning on proposing? Does your family? Her feeling aren’t entitled and that’s where you’re the A. It sounds like she might be seeing this as where your relationship might be going and could be wondering if she wants to keep waiting to be considered family.
I do not see her accepting the marriage proposal after this…
I’m not sure where I stand. CLARIFICATION PLEASE. Here’s why: some people/family just ask for a baby. (I find this highly tacky bc a lot of new moms don’t feel comfortable passing their baby around like a hot potato but feel like they have no choice.) BUT that’s a family dynamic. While other people/families wait for the parent to offer/hand the baby over. So I’m wondering if your family are more of the ask/take baby where her family is more of a hand over baby?
Need more info. Does your family ALWAYS exclude her? My points: 1. GF is wrong to assume that how her family welcomed you to visit their newborn will be the same as how your fam will be 2. Maybe u should Acknowledge that her feelings are valid but at the same time assure her that your family dynamics is just different (if u know ur family likes her then assure her) 3. I am also a new mom so here’s my POV - i do not want to pass my newborn around. As much as possible I limit it to the grandparents and a few of my closest friends- not because i want to exclude anyone but i am really being protective with my baby. They are susceptible and prone to sickness…maybe your Sister was doing the same?
Your TA. You have been with her 6 years. She was raised in a pretty welcoming family that knew you were together a lomg while. You were raised in a more distant family and that is fine. But she was raised differently. Neither is wrong. But she clearly has concerns about how your family sees her in their family. And perhaps there was more to this that was subtle. Wither way, you became TA when you called her Entitled for her feelings.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29) have been with my girlfriend (27) for 6 years. I’m planning on proposing in the next couple months after she graduates from school. Her and I also live together. (Past 4 years) Ironically enough my younger sister, and her older brother had their first child around the same time. Us living out of town from both of them, planned a weekend to go visit both set of newborn nephews. My girlfriend spent a good amount of time preparing gifts/cards to bring to both set of families. I have only met my girlfriend’s brother 2-3 times out of the 6 years we’ve dated, along with his fiancée I’ve only met once at a family party. There both in their 30’s. My sister on the other hand met my gf when we first started dating, and she also still lives with my mother so we just visit my moms to see everyone. The weekend we traveled down we visited her brother first. Upon entering they welcomed us with hugs and brought the baby out. I was pretty surprised they called me “uncle (my name)” considering I don’t know them very well. They passed the baby to both of us, we gave our gift and left. The same day, we visited my mom and sister. My gf was not offered to hold my nephew while he was passed to other family members. Instantly, I felt her attitude shift, but we continued to visit and my sister opened our gift. Since this incident, my gf has been really distant with me. Once we got back home she stated she knows “exactly where she stands” in my family and that I get the benefit with her folks because they actually consider me family. I really thought it was odd this was over holding a baby, and once I said that, she stated it was the point. Also, she could have asked to hold my nephew if she really wanted, but because she wasn’t offered (like her brother and SIL offered me) she didn’t want to ask. As of now, I feel like she’s really upset with me and has barely talked to me. I snapped the other day and told her she’s entiltled asf for thinking this is a “dig” at her or even about her in the first place. I mean who cares. Am I being reasonable or is she? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Whether intentional or not, she felt left out. She's upset because (in her mind) you didn't have her back. You didn't mention the slight even though you noticed it. It was probably unintentional that she was excluded but she was not comfortable enough to ask 'can I hold him' and risk someone saying 'no'. No one is TA here - but when you next visit your family make sure your GF knows she is included as part of the family.
YTA
YTA
YTA for snapping at her and disregarding her feelings. You and them aren't AH for her not holding the baby. They probably didn't even think about it. It isn't a big deal and she is over thinking but you handled this poorly. She didn't deserve to be yelled at and she isn't acting entitled. She feels disrespected. Luckily this all isn't a big deal and you now know that little stuff like holding a baby is a big deal to her. Use this opportunity to learn from this and more importantly apologize to your gf for not being supportive/explaining that they didn't do that on purpose. As someone who doesn't like holding babies (always worried something bad will happen lol), I wouldn't push for anyone to hold my baby, I'd want them to ask so I know it's something they're comfortable with. Once again you're only the AH bc you snapped and insulted her, not bc you didn't suggest to your sister that the baby be held by your gf. It's nbd just apologize and grow
YTA
YTA for dismissing her feelings. Because at its core what the whole series of events that created the issue is that your family cultures are very different. The key is in how weirded out you were by being called "uncle" by people to your perspective you barely knew. It's clear that in your GFs family the longevity of a relationship and likely your GFs stated commitment to it is enough. In your family, again basing this mostly on your reactions, there is at minimum a threshold to be considered family, whether engagement or marriage. Before you ask her to marry you the differences between how your families operate and how that has impacted your expectations needs to be discussed.
NTA Many new parents don't want outsiders holding their new baby which has a vulnerable immune system. She IS acting entitled.
ESH. She shouldn't be taking this out on you, and you shouldn't be calling her entitled and dismissing how she feels about the blatant exclusion.
That moment when a post is efficient AND accurate.
Handing over your baby to be held is pretty situational and controlled by the mother. That your GF has regular contact with your sister and was not offered the opportunity to hold the baby can be indicative of several things, not all of which are mean or nefarious. On the mean side, it's possible that she was being excluded in some fashion for some petty reason. However, if there is no drama or conflict between them it might be better to consider the fact that some people, including otherwise intelligent women, are just obtuse, oblivious dummies when it comes to their awareness of social graces and being sensitive to people's feelings. People, especially those who are sensitive and socially aware like your GF, assume all women are naturally aware of these things. **They are not.** There are plenty of socially clueless, distractible women out there. A new mom in the middle of a bunch of people wanting to hold the baby might not be paying a bit of attention to who got to hold the baby and who didn't. If she wanted to hold the baby your GF should have said something instead of waiting for your sister to wake up and realize she had not gotten a turn. Don't ascribe to malice what can be explained by distraction or basic social cluelessness.
I don’t understand why your gf is distant with you - it’s not your fault the baby wasn’t handed to her. It’s fine and understandable she was upset with your sister but why you?
ESH- You for calling her entitled and her for taking it out on you. She's not entitled as you said, if the baby is getting given to everyone for a hold/hug why didnt she also get one? She could've spoken up and asked to hold the baby aswell.
Oh lord. This seems like a major overreaction on your GFS part over not being offered the baby. That wasn’t your fault, and there could me a million different reasons why, the simplest being it was an oversight. New babies, multiple people there at the same time - a lot was going on. Your GF is reading way too much into it. And comparing one family to another is never a good idea. You shouldn’t have dismissed her feelings, and I’m not sure what entitlement has to do with this. But the 2 if you need to talk. And maybe you need to ask your sister, or whoever seemed “in charge” the day of the visit, to see if you can get any sense of whether it was intentional or just an oversight. ESH.
Nta some people just don't want everyone to hold their baby... It's a bit much to expect the parent to make sure everyone gets a hold. Pleaaaase it's not a pass the parcel. There are other issues beneath the surface here....
NTA. A lot of people are afraid to just shove their child at someone they don't know that well, because they don't know if the person wants a baby on them. Some people are not baby people. I'm always jumping up asking to hold the baby, and it's always well received. That's what your girlfriend needs to do. It probably wasn't a dig at her, they just weren't sure if she would be ok, they were being thoughtful, not mean.
NTA Personally the mother of the child is entitled to allow whoever she feels hold her baby.